samsamsam871

[loveandthings11]

I UNDERLINED IT FOR YOU 🥹 !!!

[jazzyhazzy]

For the second day in a row, I wake up from a dreamy sleep in the embrace of Harry. This is something I could definitely get used to. Too bad I won’t get the opportunity to get used to it.

“You talk in your sleep” he mumbles, obviously sensing that I am now awake even though I’m facing away from him, his body curled around my smaller one. I roll over to face him, and he tightens his hold on me once more as I get comfortable. 

He looks angelic, that’s the only word for it. His lips are plump from sleep, his cheeks rosy and his hair sticking out at all odd angles, a slight curl forming at the end of every lock. His hair is short, but I can tell that if he grew it our it would be curly. 

“Do not” I protest, poking my finger into his dimple.

“Yeah you wouldn't shut up about how much you wanted to fuck me and how much you liiiiiiiiiiike meeeeeee” he teased, and I know he’s joking. I only ever talk about one thing when I sleep talk, always have.

My finger moves from his dimpled cheek to fiddle with a strand of hair poking out from behind his ear. “You’re a terrible liar” I inform him, although it’s rich coming from the likes of me, someone who is a dead giveaway whenever she lies.  

“You can't deny it though, you do want to fuck me” he grins, pulling me flush against his bare chest, and I feel my cheeks turn scarlet. What am I supposed to say to that?! He’s not wrong, I’ve definitely thought about it more than I care to admit, but I can’t exactly come out and announce that to him. 

He already knows, of course he does. Harry can watch me ticking it over in my head, considering what I should respond with. He’d be able to tell straight away if I lied, but he might think I’m just another desperate girl if I don’t. It’s not easy being me right now, stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

“Yeah just consider yourself lucky that I’m letting you share my bed, it’s not something I do often.” I respond, avoiding the question without directly answering. 

I hope he doesn't think I’m a prude or anything, but I am not in the mood to explain why I don’t share my bed often. 

“No one ever good enough?” he asks, I know he is teasing again, but I feel my insecurities seep in like an uncontrollable fog, clouding all other thoughts. “Quite the opposite” I sigh, averting my eyes from his and looking down, my fingers fidgeting as my restlessness grows. Why is he here, with someone like me, he could easily find someone more beautiful, more interesting. I’m just... boring, average at best. 

All of a sudden I want his arms off me, I want to be alone, curled up in my bed. I want to keep the curtains closed all day and sit in silence with my thoughts. 

“You’re silly, Ruby Tuesday. All the boys see you, you just don’t see them. I had to buy you a drink to get your attention... You’re not cheap” he winks at me, and I feel the fog of insecurity beginning to fade back into the background, as he strokes my cheek with his thumb, feeling the smoothness of my skin.

What is he seeing when he looks at me through those emerald pools? 

Without warning, he leans forward and plants his lips upon mine, smooth and soft and supple. Everything else dissipates and all I know is his lips on mine, I open my mouth, breathing into the kiss and feeling his tongue run along my bottom lip, tentative. 

Much like last night, it ends before I can get all wrapped up and lost in the kiss, and I can’t hide my disappointment, it’s written all over my face. “I’m right, you definitely do want to fuck me” he chuckles, noticing my reaction. 

“Ugh, you’re full of hot air, did anyone ever tell you that?” I retort, pulling away from him to stretch out my limbs, still stiff from sleep, my legs straightening and my back arching up off the bed as I loosen the muscles.

He watches me hungrily as I do so, taking in the curve of my back and licking his lips. Looks like I’m not the only one who wants to fuck. 

“What’s the plan for today?” Harry quizzes me, and I remember that I pretty much agreed to spend the day with him. Wow, pressure much. How am I meant to impress him. I’ve lived here my entire life, and everything seems too boring to me, I’m sure he would want to see the touristy attractions, but I figure keeping a lower profile and avoiding large groups of people would be ideal. 

An idea comes to me and I smile, sitting up and clambering over his resting frame to peek out at the weather behind the curtains. His hands resting on my hips as I hover over him, taking the time to open up the window to let some fresh air into this stuffy room. 

It’s the middle of summer, and we’ve been blessed with a scorcher of a day, and my idea is going to be perfect. It will involve a couple of stops on the way, but I’m sure it will be fantastic. I hope he will love it, and it means there will be no people around. We can spend some time together and maybe I can learn a little more about him seeing as I’m apparently the only person in the world who doesn't know who he is. 

“What are you thinking?” he asks me, hesitantly, able to tell that I am formulating a plan in my head as I gaze outside. 

“I’m thinking it’s a surprise” 

***

While it would have been perfectly fine staying in bed and cuddling and talking all day, I feel excited about this particular plan. It was a bit of an adventure, and the idea truly excited me, but I barely know anything about Harry, this could very well be the opposite of his idea of fun, but I guess I will find out. 

“Is the blindfold really necessary?” he grumbles, as we finally pull up to the beach. It’s one of the less popular beaches, and being a weekday, it means there aren't as many people here as there usually are. 

When I don’t reply right away, too busy trying to park the car with two kayaks tied to the roof, he huffs. “I already know we’re at the beach, I can smell it, just let me see!” he insists, trying to convince me. I could probably use his help to get the kayaks off the roof, luckily the guy working at the place I hired them from offered to secure them onto the roof for me. I’m sure I could manage it on my own without causing serious injury to myself and everyone around me, but why bother when Harry could probably lift them down easily. 

“Okay, okay! Quit whining will you!” I scold him, reaching over to take the blind fold off him. His head looks out the window at the beach, it’s only a small beach, but that’s not where our destination is. 

“The beach? Nice” he observes, his eyes darting between the people who have set themselves up on the beach. 

“Not exactly...” I trail off, opening my door and handing his sunglasses to him. “Put these on, and this too” I grab a wide brimmed straw hat from the back seat and pass it to him. He does as he’s told and puts them on, grateful for the disguise. “How do I look?” he asks, giving me his best blue steel. 

“Fabulous darling, you look just like the candyman” I praise him, God if only he knew just how good he looked. I swear he could pull anything off. I envy him for it. 

We get out of our seats and he notices the kayaks on the roof, raising his eyebrows above the frame of his sunglasses, “You can’t be serious!?” he exclaims, and I’m not sure if he’s afraid or excited. 

I ignore him anyway, and open the boot of the car, handing him a bag with some food in it, and I take the bag with the towels and picnic blanket. This is an idea I’ve had for a while, but just never found the time or the right friend to do it with me. I seriously hope he enjoys it, otherwise I’ll be left feeling really disappointed. 

“Trust me, this is going to be fun” I promise, hoping he was up for it, and had an open mind. 

We get the kayaks down, and we drag them down to the beach, past the other people laying out in the sun or playing with their kids in the sand. It’s an amazing day for it, there isn't a cloud in the sky, and the temperature is rising. 

“Oh God, what now?” he asks, dropping his kayak by the edge of the water, he clips his lifejacket into place, safety first and all that, this is the ocean after all, big and unpredictable. 

“Now push it out into the water and get in it!” I encourage, maybe this was a mistake, has he ever kayaked before?! Do they even do that in England?

I lead by example, pushing my bright orange kayak into the water until it’s just floating, and (hopefully) gracefully climbing into it, settling myself down into the seat and waiting for him to do the same. 

Harry watched every move I made, and copied it, although he didn't quite climb in as gracefully as I had done, “The seat is wet!” he wailed, lifting his butt off the seat and looking to me for help. I shake my head at him, thank goodness he has a lifejacket is all I can say, I’m unsure whether or not he’ll even make it to the island. 

“There’s water in here, there must be a hole...” he panics, but I know for a fact that there is not a hole, there will be a minuscule amount of water in there from when he jumped in. I can’t help but laugh at him, an hour ago we were in my bed and he was arrogantly gloating about how much I wanted to fuck him, and now he’s out here wailing pathetically about a bit of water in his kayak. 

“Oh my God will you shut up!” I tell him, waiting for him to sit his butt down in the kayak, we hadn’t even left shore yet and I’m already considering the fact that this may have been a bad idea. 

I pick up my paddle and show him how to use it, “No, Harry that’s the wrong way around...” I try and correct him, but he thinks he knows what he’s doing, 

“The curved side-”

“I’m doing it!!!” he interrupts  triumphantly, travelling a couple of metres away from shore, and I don’t quite have the heart to tell him he’s not exactly doing it right.

***

We make it to the small island, it takes longer than it should and he’s exhausted. If he actually paddled properly he would feel half as tired. He yanks his kayak up onto the shore and collapses onto the sand next to it. 

“How is it so hot” he puffs, wiping the sweat from his brow. 

And then he pulls his white t-shirt off over his head, tossing it aside. I should definitely ask him about all of his tattoos, we’ve got all day, I’m sure he wouldn't mind. 

“Here, lay on this” I say, throwing him a big beach towel, he catches it but keeps it rolled up and puts it under his head like a pillow. I shake my head, he is terrible at following any kind of instructions. I grab my own towel and roll it out on the sand next to him, sitting down on it and grabbing the sunscreen from one of the bags we bought over with us. 

I squirt it on my legs and arms first, and I can feel him watching me as I rub it into my skin. Thanks to the giant hole in the ozone layer above New Zealand, its twice as important to wear sunscreen if you don't want to cook yourself alive. “Put some on” I tell him, tossing him the bottle as I remove my singlet and apply it to my stomach and chest, ensuring that I don't miss any spots around my bikini top. 

“You put it on” Harry retorts, still watching me through his sunglasses as he’s laying back in the sand, feeling the warm grains against the skin of his back.

“I am putting it on!” I point out, clearly he can see me applying it.

“No, you put it on me” he insists, I roll my eyes at his smirk, if that’s what it takes for him to wear sunscreen then I’ll happily oblige. 

“Fine, but you need to do my back first” I bargain, turning my back to him and waiting. I hear him get up and squirt some of the liquid directly onto my back, seconds later, his warm hands are on me, rubbing it into my skin. 

I enjoy it far more than I care to admit, and he knows it as he massages it into  my back, my head relaxes on my neck and flops forward as I enjoy the almost massage I’m getting right now, feeling tension release from my shoulders. I’m half aware of the fact that he could so easily unclip the clasp of my bikini top, but he doesn't, pulling away after another minute. 

I had forgotten how nice it is to even just be touched like that by a boy. A man no less. Again, I find myself thinking how the hell did I get here, how am I here on the beach of this small island, on a hot summers day getting sunscreen rubbed into my back by that perfect looking creature. Why did he choose me to spend his time with? Why has he chosen me to curl up to these past two nights?

“My turn” he smirks, interrupting my train of thought. I swallow nervously, as I turn to face him, he’s elected to sit himself on my towel, manoeuvring himself so he’s sitting facing me, with his legs on either side of me. 

I don’t say a work as I squeeze the lotion onto my hands and hesitantly begin to rub it over his chest. Harry’s eyes study me the whole time, his focus flicking between my hands and my face, and occasionally my boobs. 

“You’re nervous” he points out. Well no shit. He’s fucking gorgeous, his skin I’m aching to lick, I want to to run the tip of my nose along where his collarbones stick subtly out from his skin. My fingers graze over his nipple and he jolts slightly, my eyes widening. 

He grabs my wrist with one of his hands, his long fingers wrapping around my wrist and he leans forward, his other hand lifting my chin to look directly at him. My heart splutters as he closes the distance between us, I’m frozen as he pecks me on the lips. 

So casually, like it’s nothing. “Don’t be nervous, I’m cooking here so lets get on with it” he jokes, poking my side. 

What the hell is he doing to me?

It made a difference though, as I pick up where I left off, applying sunscreen to his shoulders, before moving onto his arms. “Your tattoos... Do they have meaning?” I ask shyly, wondering whether the meanings are personal or not, he doesn't have to share with me, but I’m naturally curious after all.

“Of course, some do, but not all of them. Sometimes I just see a picture or something that I like the look of and I’ll just do and get it done” he explains, still focused on me as my hands and fingers dance across his skin. 

“What about this one?” I ask, pointing to the tiny cross on his hand. Is he quite a religious kind of guy or something? My mother would love him if he is. “I’m not even a believer in God or anything, really.” he eludes, any my finger moves to touch the cross necklace hanging from his neck, resting against his chest. 

“It’s my mum and sister, they’ve always been more into it that I ever was. I always questioned too much, why we always saw starving children on the television when we were growing up, why planes crash, why people die in hurricanes. It never made sense to me.” he trails off, and I’m glad he’s starting to open up, I just want to know more about him, get a sense of who he is as a person. 

“Why the tattoo and the necklace then?” I ask, still not quite understanding why he would wear it, and get it embedded into his skin for the rest of his life if it’s not something he follows or believes in.

“For mum, I guess. She always wanted me to be her good Christian boy. I’ve worn the necklace for as long as I can remember, now I’m just used to it, and I know it keeps her happy so why not wear it? And the tattoo... I’ve grown fond of the symbol, plus it would keep mum happy knowing that I’ve got at least one tattoo she approves of amongst all of this” he finishes, gesturing to the abundant images and scribbles across his arms and chest. 

“What about the letters on your shoulders?” I wonder how many I can ask about before he gets sick of it. Before I ask too much.

“A for Anne, my mum, and G for Gemma, my sister.” he answers easily, it’s sweet, the three I’ve asked about have lovely sentiment. 

“And the naked mermaid?” I raise my eyebrows at that one, it’s certainly not my favourite, and it’s just right there on his arm. “Just thought it looked cool” he shrugs, tilting his head at me as I stand up and move around to do his back. 

I flick the straw hat off his head and begin rubbing into his neck, his head lolling as mine did, clearly enjoying the feeling. “What about you, good girl? What ink have you wanted?” he quizzes, remembering from the other day when I told him I’ve never liked an idea for long enough to get it permanently engraved into my skin. 

It’s the whole permanent aspect that gets me, I’m just not quite the committed yet. I worry that it will effect my chances of getting a job in the future. I worry about everything. 

“It’s mostly just been little quotes or lines from poems that I’ve wanted, but then after a while they just don’t appeal to me as much anymore.” I answer, feeling embarrassed, this was all a long time ago, back when quotes were all the rage, but now... not so much.

“Quotes huh? How about something without letters or numbers?” he encourages me to tell him more. “There is one I’ve wanted for a while now...” I reveal, thinking about the idea, “Just a flower, my Nan’s favourite one.”

He tilts his head back on his neck so his face is in front of mine, upside down. “Why don’t we go and get it?” he suggests, wagging his eyebrows at me. 

“We?” 

“Yeah, you’ve seen the shit I put on my body, what’s another flower?” he trails off, so nonchalant about the idea of getting a tattoo. How can he be so careless about it all? A tattoo that I want, no less, a tattoo with meaning to me, and he just want to get it too, the flower meaning nothing to him. 

I really do not understand him at all. 

“I don’t know...” I hesitate, I wouldn't even know where to put it, I can never decide if I want it somewhere hidden, or somewhere out in the open for everyone to see. I’m not as carefree as Harry apparently is, liberally putting whatever he wants wherever he wants, assured that he’ll still be able to do his job without being fired, without having to ever worry or care about what people will think. “Mull it over, at least.” he offers, and I nod, finally finishing sunscreening his legs after what felt like a lifetime of touching him without really being able to touch him. 

He skin felt smooth and warm under my hands, I nudge him off my towel and lay back, enjoying the feeling of the sun on my skin, warming me from the outside in. 

“Sooooooooo, what are a few of your favourite songs?” Harry asks, rummaging around in the bag for a bag of crisps that he opens and begins chomping away on. 

I turn to face him, taking the time to consider my answers. 

“Romeo and Juliet is probably one” (x) I offer, remembering listening to Dire Straights with my Dad when I was young.

Harry abandons his crisps and rolls over the sand onto my towel, his face next to mine as he sings, “You and me babe, how about it?” His voice is gravelly and like honey at the same time. I can’t help but throw my head back and laugh, “That’s the one” I confirm, laughing instead of leaning over to kiss him because that is all I want to do right now after he just sang that line beautifully to me. 

“What else?” he demands, wriggling over so he’s sharing my towel, I gave him his own one to lie out on, but he’s choosing to ignore it and share mine instead, while I enjoy being close to him, it is stiflingly hot and he radiates heat like nothing I’ve ever known.

“Do You Wanna Touch Me?” I respond, and he turns to look at me over the top of his glasses, looking surprised. 

“The song” I quickly add, “By Joan Jett and the Blackhearts”

Harry continues to stare at me, like I was just casually asking him if he wanted to touch me. Again, I turn beet red with embarrassment. Why couldn’t I just be cool? Likeable? I’m constantly saying dumb shit like that. It’s a wonder he hasn't tried swimming back to shore yet.

“Do you wanna touch, Do you wanna touch, Do you wanna touch me THERE, WHERE” he just about screams at the top of his lungs, and I’m sure half the toddlers and their mothers heard us back on shore. I roll over and cover his mouth with my hand, “Oh my God shut the hell up, I didn’t mean-”

He interrupts me, but I can’t make out what he’s saying because my hand is blocking his mouth. I remove it, hoping that he’ll stay at a reasonable volume. 

“You totally want me to touch you” he smirks, rolling us over so he’s on top of me, my breath lodges in my throat, blocking any words that were going to bubble out. 

I feel his weight on top of me, his legs tangled with mine, his hips against mine, and I can already feel him beginning to harden against me. Wow, that’s for me?

“Where do you want me to touch you, Ruby” he whispers, even though we’re well out of range of anyone possibly hearing us. My chest rising and falling rapidly, as he hovers above me, awaiting an answer that I’m not sure I can even give. 

Fuck, I want him to touch me everywhere, literally every inch of my body wants to be caressed by him, kissed by his plump pink lips. I feel the ache between my legs as he rests himself against me, and it’s all I can do to keep dead still. 

Again, he bends down to kiss me, and finally I get the opportunity to deepen it, his tongue dipping into my mouth and finding mine, my chest tightens just at the feeling of him on me, his tongue against mine, our lips moving together in sync. 

And again, he pulls away too soon. 

“Fuck you’re adorable, but I can’t touch you yet” he growls, rolling off me and laying on his back beside me again.

“Why” I whine, the word escaping my lips before I even have time to register. 

Next to me, he chuckles deeply. “I told you, I want to get to know you first.”

***

When we arrive back at my flat just after dark, I feel my body longing for sleep. After such a long on day in the sun, and a full stomach all I need is my bed right now.

“Straight to bed” I announce, dumping the bags we took on the couch and deciding I would forget about them until tomorrow, barely having the energy to change into my PJ’s let alone having to unpack a couple of backpacks.

“Fine by me” Harry smiles as he follows me into my bedroom, collapsing down onto my bed and pulling his phone out of his pocket, scrolling through some notifications or something, most likely. I’m sure he’s got a lot of people he needs to be taking to, which makes it all the more odd that he wants to spend the whole week with me in my little flat. 

I shrug it off, not going to let negative thoughts creep in after the perfect day we’ve had. The kayak trip to the island was better than I had ever imagined it would be, we stayed there all day, laying on the beach and talking, jumping off high rocks into the cool salty water below, and moulding a hideous sandcastle with our hands alone. 

Harry had insisted that he tie his kayak to mine and let me paddle both of us the whole way back, getting grumpy and tired after his paddle wasn't getting him far (because he was still using it incorrectly, but he wouldn't let me tell him any different. Stubborn man.) 

Once we reached the shore, we strolled down the road and got some fish and chips, a classic delicacy here. We devoured them on the beach, watching the sun set over one of the best days of my entire life. 

Reaching into my drawer, I locate some little PJ shorts and a singlet, hiding behind my door to get changed into them. While Harry had been touchy and had given me the odd kiss here and there, we hadn’t done anything else, and to be honest, I was starting to get a little frustrated. 

I pad off the the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face, although I had put minimal makeup on today anyway - knowing I would sweat it all off in the heat - it’s still nice to wash the day away and feel refreshed. My cheeks are definitely a little burnt, I can tell. In fact, my whole body is looking a little pinker than the norm. 

Theres a knock on the bathroom door, and Harry enters before I even give him the go ahead, he walks over to the toilet and puts the seat up, peeing right in front of me. Granted his back is turned to me, so I can’t see anything, but still!

“Charming” I tease, but in the back of my mind, kinda weirdly flattered that he’s already comfortable enough around me to do that. 

“I forgot my toothbrush” he moans, flushing the toilet and washing his hands, at least he’s hygienic, I know so many guys that wouldn't wash their hands after peeing. I rummage around in the cupboard below the sink, until my hand lands on a brand new toothbrush, still in its packaging and all. I think Addie may have bought it for her boyfriend, but he never ended up coming. In fact he broke up with her the day before he was meant to come and visit. I remember her angrily throwing it at the back of the cupboard and slamming the door. 

At least it’s come in handy now, I guess. “Do you just keep spare toothbrushes lying around?” Harry wonders, and I shake my head, still having a mouth full of toothpaste. I spit it out and rinse, about to explain the toothbrush to him, but I’m interrupted by a knock on the front door. 

Who the hell could that be? Lydia again?! But I made sure I messaged her and told her I was going to be busy all week, with Harry staying - though I left out the part about Harry, deciding to fill her all in once the week is over. 

I wait and see if they knock again, surely if they don't knock twice, it can’t be that important. 

But lone behold, they knock again, and I reluctantly head towards the door, unlocking the latch and taking the chain off, swinging the door open.

For what feels like the hundredth time today, my breath catches, but this time it is for all the wrong reasons. I blink twice, making sure my eyes aren’t fucking with me, because the last thing I want right now, is to see him standing on my doorstep, a look of irritation on his face. 

“Where the fuck have you been?”

Once again, feedback/questions always appreciated! Let me know if you’re enjoying it xx

[evenstevensranked]

#36: Season 3, Episode 16: “Beans On The Brain”

Louis goes on a date with Beans’ cousin Chris (Loretta from Pixel Perfect) but there’s just onnnne slight problem. Elsewhere, Donnie channels his inner beauty guru while recovering from a football injury.

This one opens with Louis walking on the ceiling in these special electric suction boots that are yet another insane invention of his. When I was kid I was like “OMG! HOW IS HE REALLY WALKING ON THE CEILING LIKE THAT?!?!” But, now the illusion is shattered and I clearly see that he’s just walking on the floor in a room designed to look like the living room upside-down. It’s kinda funny when you flip it:

It’s also obvious that his pants and shirt are pinned up.

Beans comes popping up out of nowhere as per usual, and what does he do? He takes the remote control for the boots and turns it off, causing Louis to fall. HE LITERALLY COULD’VE SNAPPED HIS NECK AND DIED! Beans is the actual worst. He apologizes saying “It was an accident” and Louis claps back with “You're the accident, Beans!" …and I mean, have truer words ever been spoken? I don’t think so.

Louis, Twitty and Tom are too preoccupied with forcing Beans out of the house, that they don’t properly listen when Beans tries to tell them his cousin Chris is in town. They automatically think “THERE ARE MORE OF YOU?!” which is truly a nightmare-inducing thought. But, *cue the sexy saxophone music* as soon as they see that Chris is actually a cute blonde chick casually blowing bubbles outside with a dumb smile on her face akin to those stock photos of women eating salads, everything changes.

Okay first of all, what was the costume department thinking when they put her in that god awful skirt in front of a wall of greenery/flowers made up of similar colors? Her bottom half just blends in. Ya gotta go solid colors all the way for stuff like this! Come on, now. Second of all, this scene clearly dispels any speculation of whether or not they filmed inside of the house they use for exterior shots. I already knew this, but the interior was in fact a set. This is a little annoying continuity-wise because there is no wall of greenery right outside the front door of the actual house like that. THIS BOTHERS MEEEEEEE! Oh well.

Cut to the subplot. Ren, Ruby, and Monique are hanging out in Ren’s room and sniffing a jar of clay mask gunk… as friends do? (I don’t think friends do this.) Donnie walks by hobbling with a cane and broken foot all moody and depressed, when he starts giving them beauty tips? Okay??? Later, they find out that he has an entire “treasure trove” of beauty products. Okay, we knew Donnie was into himself… but this is a new level. I actually like the way they sorta broke down some gender stereotypes with this character? The big football jock and ladies man, who happens to have a passion for cosmetology. Who knew?! (And this isn’t the first/only time we’ve seen this side of him.) He puts some face moisturizer on the girls and explains that the itch they feel is a “rejuvenating minty tingle.” Yo, I clearly remember being on vacation in Florida when I was, like.. 11. My cousin and I put some pore cleanser stuff on our faces, and I literally said the cleanser gives a “rejuvenating minty tingle” wow. I totally did not realize I learned that from Donnie. When questioned, he refuses to tell them how he hurt his leg and insists that the only topic of conversation he’ll tolerate is “HAIR, SKIN, AND NAILS!” Nick Spano’s voice chanting this has been stuck in my head since 2002.

Um, why does Donnie have a curling iron? His hair is too short, lol.

Louis, Twitty, and Tom are now desperately trying to get back in Beans’ good graces just to hang out with Chris. Ah, and here is where we get more of Louis being a terrible friend by using and manipulating people for his own personal gain. (Even if Beans is the worst... he’s still just a kid who looks up to Louis.) This is a lil creepy, though. It’s 3 guys all wanting to go after the same girl at once. It’s like the 5 members of One Direction singing “What Makes You Beautiful” to one woman. Pretty awkward when you think about it. After buttering Beans up by feeding him crap lines like “There’s a whole in my heart where you used to be” and Tom writing him a ridiculous poem titled “Where art thou, Beansie?” -- Beans eventually decides to let only one of the guys meet her. And thank god, actually. Imagine if they all crowded her? I’d feel so uncomfortable in that situation. In order to determine who the lucky guy is, Beans makes them soak in a cold tub for 3 hours and then pick whoever has the pruniest hands. Are you kidding me? What goes on in this child’s mind? Not only that, I’m pretty sure Chris isn’t worth getting sick over. Seriously, I never really thought she was ~all that.~

Something else that bothers me is that Beans says their hands are “all equally pruny” -- But Twitty’s hands are clearly the pruniest. Ew. 

Louis sneakily makes a deal with Beans and agrees to take him on a boat ride as long as Chris tags along. So Louis decides to take them on a gondola ride. "If ya gotta go... go gondola, ya know?" is his reasoning. And this marks the slightly cringy, slightly entertaining arrival of Romantic Louis. And boy is it something to behold. This side of the character is one of my favorite aspects of the series. Probably because I had a massive crush on Shia growing up, but that’s beside the point. It’s honestly just really comical and awkwardly endearing. 

Anyway, he immediately starts trying to persuade Beans into not riding the gondola with them, to the point where he literally just leaves Beans alone on shore and runs off to be with Chris. Wow, Louis.

Also, um.. WHY IS CHRIS WAITING FOR A FLOOD IN THOSE PANTS?! Honestly, who dressed this poor girl?! Those are either total floods or the ugliest pair of capris I’ve ever seen. And what even are those socks?! And those red Keds? Omg. 

While on the gondola, Louis decides to play “Who can spot the nastiest garbage in the water" -- Not the most romantic activity for a first date, but this just reminds you it’s Louis Stevens we’re talking about here. Some corny, upbeat, ~emotional~ acoustic guitar kicks in to accompany this absurd garbage game, because that makes sense. One of the objects he retrieves from the water is a freaking dirty toilet seat!!! When I was a kid I distinctly remember cracking up at this, lol wow. (Mainly because we get a great Louis Scream) But, immediately after touching the seat.. he starts feeding Chris cheese puffs!!! WHAT THE HECK?! He better’ve whipped out some Purell or a Wet-Nap real quick because otherwise… thanks, but no thanks. 

Now Louis really starts to put the moves on Chris, omg. He asks if he can put his arm around her.. and then he asks if he can kiss her. Jesussss! Isn’t that a little fast? Y’all barely know each other, spot some trash in the lake, and jump straight to kissing? Aren’t they like.. 14? Isn’t this Disney Channel? Dang, lol. I mean, at least he asked.. which she appreciates. This is just another reason why I think these characters were meant to be in High School, tbh. Anyway... Louis leans in to kiss her and... well......

If it’s your first time watching this episode, I’m pretty confident that you will literally DIE LAUGHING!!!!! I’ll never forget when my mom and I watched the series for the first time in years back in 2011. We practically fell off the couch we were laughing so hard. Even right now, having seen this moment countless times since then -- seeing it on a loop like that has me rollingggg right now as I type. How disturbing is that?! What gets me is the fact that Chris is smiling, and then BAM! Beans is just staring at Louis, so very unimpressed looking.. lol. Not only that, the music is so romantic and uplifting as Louis leans in, and as soon as she morphs into Beans it abruptly changes to minor omg. THIS COUNTS AS MUSIC HUMOR TO ME AND STUFF LIKE THAT WILL ALWAYS KILL ME WITHOUT FAIL. 

Naturally, Louis starts freaking out and it’s hilarious. Imagine you’re about to kiss a guy and then he does this:

I don’t even know how you react to something like that. He quickly changes gears and rambles off this incredible excuse to leave: "I have a rump roast in the oven at home, so... I gotta go back home." - Definitely gonna add that to the list of effective excuses in my back pocket. I always thought it was interesting because in The Battle Of Shaker Heights, there’s a scene where Shia says the line “At least I wasn’t restocking rump roasts” ..and I always think of Louis Stevens and his brilliant excuse. 

The next day everyone is bombarding Louis to spill the beans (pun sort of intended) on how the date went. Tom is soooo great here. I freaking love him. It’s not even that serious.. but just because he doesn’t get enough love... I’ma embed what I’m talking about: 

Even Tawny asks Louis how it went! He practically has a mental breakdown and she becomes his personal shrink yet again. He explains everything and she tells him he just needs to make it up to Beans and then his conscience will be cleared. Which cuts to Louis imagining a total Andy Griffith Show parody of he and Beans going fishing and everything’s just SWELL!!! :D So, I guess that counts as a pop culture reference. 

Cutting back to the subplot, Donnie has basically turned the Stevens house into a salon. There’s a bunch of girls there and he’s the one styling them and everything. I’m starting to feel like this whole subplot is supposed to be a giant red flag that Donnie was actually a coded gay character. Very stereotypically gay in this case... But, yeah: 

He’s saying “Oh, hey Cindy! Put a smock on, I’ll be right with ya honey!!” Complete with limp wrist and valley girl voice. Um. He definitely seems to be in his element, tbh.

During the hustle and bustle of running an in-home salon, Ren catches Donnie walking around without his cane and automatically knows he’s been faking the severity of the injury. We learn that Donnie did get hurt while doing a victory dance out on the field, but recovered a while ago. He’s been faking to avoid going back to football after embarrassing himself. Aww. He eventually does go back, but this time he runs into the goal post after celebrating a touchdown. It’s pretty funny. 

There’s a really pointless scene where Beans comes over and kinda tortures/taunts Louis as revenge for ditching him, all while fake-acting like a cute little kid who doesn’t know any better. Constantly asking “Oops. Are you mad at me now?” He also gives Louis a wedgie with a fish hook... Like??? It’s annoying and doesn’t really go anywhere. Idk. 

Then we get to the final scene! Louis kisses Chris for real here! Whoaaa. I always forget that Louis kissed someone other than Tawny! But yeah. Louis kisses Chris and everything’s fine. He thinks his problem has been solved..... until......

This ending absolutely kills me.

And that’s it! I honestly really love this episode. The whole Beans morphing scene(s) are definitely some of the funniest moments in the whole series. Like... wow. I had a tough time deciding where to put it. Even though those bits and some of the other things I highlighted are great, there’s still something that feels a little off about this one. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Probably just the Season 3 weirdness. It starts to feel a little... disjointed? The situation isn’t completely resolved. We never actually see Louis make it up to Beans, which feels like a missed opportunity for some character development. The subplot is a lil weak as well, but I love Donnie... so. For an episode about Beans.. this one is not bad and pretty hilarious at times. Louis trying to romance Chris is great, but once again.. he’s kinda manipulative and ugly to Beans. 

Going down my list of criteria, this one probably meets Personal Favorite and Hilarity the most. It’s really good. But for my rankings, I’m valuing episodes that hit all the right notes for me the most. And trust me, there are some pretty perfect episodes to come and I’m so excited that we’re getting closer and closer to those! :)

Here’s a video with 3 of the most solid scenes, just because ya gotta see those morphs in all their glory. Plus, Shia screaming “wHAT IS THAT?!” gets me every single time:

Thanks for reading! Chime in via Disqus, please! :)

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