#ok good night for real now
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dont look at me with hope im being delusional again but if i were to have an art stream on like. june 14th what'd be the best time for you lot.
#snap chats#making this before i sleep for forty minutes because this thoughts eating my brain again#i dusted off my old picarto account and got thinking#AGAIN EXPECT NOTHING FROM ME life is unpredictable and so am i but. for the day i finally stop being a baby#i say june 14th specifically cause that was the day i started making RGG art again so it'd be a cute 1-year-anniversay kinda deal#'snap why the hell did you put these ~ ugly fucks' because while the plan is for the stream to go on for two hours#i am also filipino and therefore the concept of time and schedules are mere suggestions#idk if it'll go on for two hours- could be shorter could be longer#but two hours seems realistic. plus it'd be my first time streaming in a while#and i have no faith i can entertain people for barely two hours let alone any more#but idk idk#ok good night for real now
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sooo obsessed with this person using LOONA to explain nct to kim chi
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gerard fucking owes me a performance of it's not a fashion statement it's a deathwish
#i still can't believe they played it several times on the tour but NOT once in brisbane. killing myself for real#mcr#ok good night for real now
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had a surprisingly good day today, overall. not gonna expect anything similar for tomorrow lol but i’ll take this small w
#eye guy speaks#uc posting#i was chattin n laughin like it was nothing. most natural thing in the world#i didnt even think about it. i was just able to do it#then i realized that man i havent felt like this in over a month. thats wild#so much joy to be had in the world. i love talking about stuff and having fun#hope to get back to it consistently someday#for now. i sleep#arm will probably get worse overnight again but the sling has helped so i’ll prob use it again tomorrow#i mean best case my arm Doesn’t get worse but even then i shouldn’t push it#part of me wonders if i used it too much#though idk why it would then only get worse overnight#just trying to come up with Any explanation i guess#ok good night for real now
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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fuck it sk8 sketches from da sketchbook. get sk8ed idiot
#sk8 the infinity#kyan reki#hasegawa langa#renga#sure whatever. tagging ship is probably easier than explaining what the fucks up with these two in my head#hi. I watched sk8 with my friend cosme a while ago. I actually dont care about the allegations that much I just got#blasted with teenage years flashback. and now I need reki to have everything on earth and be well#these have been around for like a week lol Ive just been debating posting them to tumblr. bc like. Im not finishing these lol#hesitant to call sk8 ''therapeutic'' but boy oh boy. does it make me confront some stuff. yes a sport anime leave me alone!!!#its just. I think I was this way about raz too actually. listen I have History with Stuff. I'm allowed ok? I'm totally allowed#u can See it in some of these doodles actually. this fuckign anime got me so unwell#hey. if ur a fellow adhd potentials-havers out there. ur a real one. thanks for still hangin out doin what u love/ur best#if u were an 'if u wanna do art u have to be excellent and high-art at it otherwise it means nothing' kid. I am holding ur hand#I'll be normal now I prommy (lying)#well. what I'll be doing now is taking a nap. maybe. gods my schedule backslid like four hours again#eh whatever. I go to bed anyway. got my portion of the day done and tomorrow I go buy new knife#hope someone come give me a new table top and lower the whole thing a bit soon. so I can stop sitting like Im in a shopping cart#have a good night lads. have fun. its imperative
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guys i was so fortunate and lucky to get to see enhypen irl tonight :’) sooo grateful omg it was so good and i’m going coocoo bonkers crazier than ever rn
#hoping everyone here one day gets the opportunity to see these boys irl cuz omg it’s just unreal#it’s srsly only now hitting me that i actually did indeed see them irl#cuz i just never thought i would ever get to#i would share pics but tbh my seats were not v good and i couldn’t afford vip so T-T#my pics are horrendous (i’m actually just gatekeeping my jake pics /j)#anyways maybe i’ll share some once i go through all of them#for now i have to sleep and recover from everything tonight cuz omg#i’m actually losing it jake omg what a man#it was jay’s night (cuz it’s jay’s hometown - welcome back jay 🥹) but i’m sorry whenever my focus wasn’t on jay for 80% of the other times#it was on jake#probably more but i WAS PAYING ATTNETION YO THE KTHER MEMBERS#i’m not just a solo jake stan ok#also jake came to our side THE LEAST SO I WAS JUST STARING AT HIS BACK THE WHOLE TIME#yet ig he just has that strong of a hold on me that he’s the only one on my mind since the concert#and before the concert let’s be real and during the concert let’s be real#i’m so delusional rn u guys it’s actually insane#ok sorry i actually gtg now ok gn byee#em speaks
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hello new self portrait just dropped which means this is officially what i look like now
#i have glasses now!!!! i’m not very good at drawing them but i sure have them on my face at all times shdhdf#and i recently started growing out my hair!!!! my distinctive bowl cut had a good run but i’m officially moving forward#i’ve also started exaggerating my big droopy sad eyelashes a LOT in pictures lately it’s part of my core identity now or something#(that’s not true shdhdf but i think my face knew about my puppydog destiny long ago and gave me puppydog eyes)#anyway i just haven’t drew anything in forever like i think i’ve drew four things that weren’t JUST notebook doodling. all this school year#(and one of those was vent art on paper and the other one was coloring with my little sister. so i’ve drew two things on ibispaint at all)#anyway i think my glasses suit me really good and i’m also really excited i can see the world really good now#i still have some vision problems from POTS that aren’t fixed but like. i can see detail in brick walls now and i’m obsessed#house fucker behavior i’m so sorry shdhdhdff (THIS IS A JOKE AND LIE. I DONT FUCK HOUSES)#(and i’m apparently a house m.d. kinnie so i wouldn’t fuck him EITHER cause we’re the same person i could never)#ANYWAYS i can see well finally and that’s good. and in conclusion i’m real tired and should go to bed#i took my meds at 9:30 then started drawing at 10 finished at 11:30#and now it’s midnight and i’m long overdue to be asleep already. so goodnight world!!!!#i have a sleepover tomorrow night which is very exciting. and also work and homework as usual shdhdf#but in the meantime i get to sleep. for up to 12 hours!!!! here’s hoping#ok anyway!!!! goodnight!!!!#P.S. text or call if you need anything!!#me. my post. mine.#delete later (probably)
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THE FIC IS FINISHABLE 🎉🎉🎉
turns out i am someone who benefits from taking a day off, and also from walking in circles around the neighborhood while thinking through a plot issue.
idk this fic (mini heist!au) is the HARDEST thing ive written recently, i don't know why (its because it didnt come with themes, and also is complicated enough that its 8k, and also i folded the story in half and started telling it from the middle so there is a lot of flashbacks juggling which i find technically challenging, and also the climax scene involves violence which i have limited irl experience with and therefore ... also find technically challenging).
anyway. turns out once i know the character arcs .... its doable!!
i am sooo intrigued by how this fic compares with how we move from a to b, which was a fic of comparable length that i wrote in a similar span of time (3ish months) and drafts (3-4 i think) ... but this one is MUCH MORE COMPLICATED and is also a love story but without any space for romantic tension ... etc. anyway. head empty. bedtime.
#ok now nobody try to hang out with me tomorrow night and i will have! a draft!!!#also ... haha ... i take back what i said yesterday ... i think it might ... be good actually .....#carrot pspspsps kakeru puts a gun to haiji's head#hidey talks fic#i need to go read fics with a certain trope to prep for 520 day exchange fic ...#oh shit and i had the vaaaaaague plan to try to write the kaze server daycare au during this month#WE'LL SEE I GUESS. see this is what happens. i get close to finishing a fic and then i get REAL arrogant REAL fast lol#but seriously. touching two nearly done drafts in the span of 2 weeks based on happenstance timing (NOT SPEED OF WRITING. CANNOT STRESS THIS#ENOUGH LOL. I AM NOT. WRITING QUICKLY. DO NOT THINK THAT I AM. I AM NOT.) anyway. its gonna fill me w even more hubris than i already have
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daigo-gets-trolled kinda fuckin panel
#snap sketches#sorry ignore me#im looking at all the comics i drafted this month and deciding which ones i wanna finish and which ones get sent to hell#and this panel of daigo still makes me chortle.. maybe ill finish this one idk#i just dnt wanna color it uuUUGHGGHGH WHY DO I COLOR THINGS NOW#whyyy doi draw so much thisshit lame as hell#ok im gonna go look at em again and decide which one to work on during stream tomorrow#cause lbr im not finishing any of em on stream LMAOOOO#i was gonna stream tonight but. is anyone even awake.#i mean yeah LOL but i feel low energy#so im gonna be more boring than usual#plus my only plans are to finish sketching some stuff for a comic ill Probably work on tomorrow#so itd be a real short stream since i only have like one or two things left to sketch#anyway. good night ill see Some of yall tomorrow :]#OH YEAH NO NIGORI FOR ME the liquor store closed half an hour early... and after my phone died and i got lost for a hot minute#so mean so cruel :( at least i got a cute kuromi pen from the ebisu store :) which i forgot i lived by until i saw it on my map :)#IM SO MAD THO I WAS SO TIRED I DIDNT REALIZE I HAD MONEY FR A KIRBY GACHA CAPSULE :(((((( maybe next month...#ok im rambling now BYE
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Werewolf by Night (2022) dir. Michael Giacchino
#werewolf by night#wwbn spoilers#werewolf by night spoilers#jack russell#OK OK IM DONE MAKING GIFS#... for now >:)#sorry but the transformation secquence was so damn good#very opposite modern werewolf transformations that are extremely visceral and up close#ala american werewolf in london style#love how you don't really see it just it's effects#also love that werewolf form is practical#it looks so so good and feels real
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leaving for college tomorrow... it doesn't feel real at all :')
#am I excited. idk. mostly I feel terrified and confused.#I got together with a friend the other night and he straight-up asked 'do you *want* to go to college??' and I was like '....yeah. I think.#I mean I need to go.'#and that's all I've got right now tbh.#it's going to be ok. I keep having people tell me that. people keep telling me that I'm going to be fine.#that I have a history of making good choices and I should stop second-guessing myself and everything around me.#but isn't that pride? to believe you'll make it out alright? shouldn't you always be a little bit afraid?#but I'm sick to death of being afraid.#I've wondered around in fear for ever it feels like. I'm ready to grow up and get out of it.#I'm ready to live in the real world. the question is how.#gurt says stuff#personal#college survival
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I have got to stop doing things without thinking of the Repercussions
#did some really stupid shit last night. Injured myself . trying not to panic about it 👍#ok I'm gonna elaborate. When I took my late night bike ride I found a ramp outside a trampoline park downtown#and my dumb impulsive ass decided it would be a good idea to jump the ramp. on my bike.#anyway I chipped a tooth. and scraped up my hand real bad but more importantly I CHIPPED A TOOTH.#both of my front teeth are misaligned now. and I'm scared to tell my parents because they'll probably freak out about it#anyway. fuckkkk
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FNAF WILL BE REAL IN 52 SECONDS
original traditional sketch below the cut
#still kinda a rough sketch but i needed to get this out now because hehe funny fnaf movie and i don’t have time to spare to complete it aaa#but YEAAAAAAGH FNAF MOVIE REAL IM GOING INSANE#NO WAY OF WATHCINF IT YET BUT S O O N#tempted to finish it up more later#but the wall scares me idk if it’d look good hmrggg#actually started this like 2 weeks ago but then covid happened ajsbajsbsj#but we vibe we vibe ok end of monologue tag time#springtrap#fnaf#fnaf fanart#five night at freddy's#fanart#pen and ink#rough sketch#digital art#horror
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hiiii um this is kinsa outta left field but do you have any music recommendations? since sometimes i see u talk about how much you like music and stuff and i wanna broaden my horizons a bit so i thought about asking u ^^
My music taste is So incredibly bad I’m embarrassed to recommend anything sorry. Unless you like really annoying music that hurts to listen to I like the band Sleigh Bells they do noise pop stuff my favorite songs of theirs are Bitter Rivals and Comeback Kid…Ummmmmm also listen to Red Vox they do some different things but a lot of it is like psychedelic rock idk. Ehhmm there’s Mean Sea too I like them they do rock stuff I think it’s like. Surf rock or something Did you know I’m really really bad with genres. And I like Hyper Psychic but they’re death metal idk if ur into that
#I can’t talk about music I like without feeling I’m going to be jumpedSorry#It’s so scary. Sorry if they suck and you hate them and I dieNo I wont#Also it’s video game music but you should listen to the Risk of Rain games osts Trust me#ask#I might delete this later out of fear uhmmmmm ummm ummmmHelp#I’m only ever comfy talking about music from games for some reason. No actually I just remembered people don’t consider it real music#so like. Yes I am now scared of that too#Whatever I like touhou songs(imperishable night)and a lot of touhou covers are extremely good. Theres jazz theres metal theres everything#And hylics 2. And omg and yakuza omg I love yakuzas osts#AND MAD RAT DEAd#And ultrakill the people who make the music have their own stuff outside of that too I think#they’re Keygen Church if I remember correctly#I also like crypt of the necrodancer…and j stebbins touhou stuff….it’s eurobeat……sorryy#I don’t know what’s cool and what isn’t I feel like a frightened animal#Ok bye
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today i learned that macarons go rly well with pinot grigio
#— ai rambles#i still have macarons from last night bc i decided for once in my life to not eat them all in one sitting#and now this is my dinner#literally macarons with wine and it's so good!!!!!!#(i just had a very big lunch and i feel quite full still so pls eat healthy and nutrient dense meals this is not a real dinner ok)
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