#ok im depressed as hell and can only squeeze this out

[mrsparker3696]

𝚙𝚎𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚛 𝚡 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛- 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚊𝚐𝚎

**********************************************

"Really? Another one?!" You asked tony, still annoyed.

"Yep. And you have to be there" tony smirked at Peter and you.

"Dad?!" You looked at you helpless dad.

"Sorry hon. You know tony" your father sighed.

"God, you can be a pain in the a-"

"I'll stop you right there young lady" steve stopped you.

You graoned and walked to your room, leaving peter alone with them.

You hated those parties.

Fancy dresses, high heels, suits...

Too many people, too many clichés.

Yoi love parties, but not this kind of parties.

You love loud music, sweaty people squeezing, jumping, the bass beating in your head.

The adrenaline.

-

You got out of the shower, with a towel covering you, looking at the red dress on your bed.

"... If you're ok, so are yo-" you heard a voice behind you.

You turn around, almost dropping the towel.

Peter stood in your room, with his mouth open, and his eyes staring at the towel.

"Parker! What the hell are you doing here??" You asked him, tighing the towel on your chest.

He didn't moved.

Silence.

"Hey! My eyes are up here!!" You looked at him, pointing on your eyes and trying not to smile from his adorable blush that covers his face.

"I-i um. I- uh" he looked up to your face suturing.

"Just leave parker. Im out in a second" you said, letting the smile cover you face.

He left the room, almost running.

You smiled to yourself, thinking about the stupid boy who changed your life since he got in.

You got all dressed up, and sat on your bad.

Peter and you are best friends for almost a year.

Well, at least he's your best friend.

You didn't really had friends in your age...

Your dad wanted you to stay home, safe. So he tough you himself, consider he's a doctor.

So your only friends were the avengers.

A bunch of weird depressed old people.

But peter...

Peter was different.

He was so sweet and carefull...

He was so shy, and quiet, the exact opposite of you.

You were cocky and loud.

You didn't care to say what you this, and you did things on your own.

A knock snapped you out of you thought.

You walked to the door. Well, liped with those stupid heels.

Opening the door.

Peter stood in front of you,

With his black suit, he's hair was pulled with gel.

He looked... Handsome.

"Well, hello there parker" you smirked at him, checking him out.

"H-hey, y/n" he said.

He cheeks were already pink.

"I-um the party started... And i was looking for you..." He blurbed.

He was looking for me?

"Well, good thing you found me here. I need help with those torture device" you said and pointed at your feet.

Peter followed your fingers and looked at your shoes.

"Yeah, lucky you" he chuckled.

With the heels, peter and you were in the same high.

You tried to take another step but your shoe slipped and you fell.

You prepared yourself for the hit your gonna get but a strong arm stopped wrapped around your back, stopping you from falling.

Peter pulled you back up.

"Thanks" you said

Your faces were so close so you could just kiss him.

Maybe i should... Wait.

What?

No you can't kiss him. He doesn't feel the same way.

And you don't want a boyfriend, you cant.

You took a step back

"We should go" you said, trying your best not to blush.

"Y-yeah" he said, avoiding your eyes.

You leaned into him, holding his arm as support.

In the second you two walked into the big room, everyone stopped talking and looked at you.

"Wow, you look great y/n" buck said

"Yeah, your beautiful demon" tony add, smiling a proud smile.

"Well, isn't it my favourite niece with my least favourite kid" sam said, sending a smirk and a wink at you.

You rolled your eyes,

"Don't listen to him, his an ass" you whispered to peter.

He just nodded.

"Hey dad, nat, Steve, Wanda" you greeted them with a big smile.

"Hey, hon. You look beautiful" your dad said, sending you a smile

"Remember. No alcohol tonight, we don't want our green friend tonight" you said as you left Peter's arm to hug you dad.

"Don't worry, im keeping an eye on him" nat winked at me.

She looked gorgeous.

Her black dress who got to her knees, the red heels, and her aamazing red her that you adored so much.

"You look amazing nat" you said and hugged her.

"You too wanda"

Wanda send me a genuine smile.

"Come one, tony start talking" steve rushed us.

You walked (successfully) to the bar, where tony was standing.

"So guys...

My friends and Bucky"

Everyone laughed.

"Enjoy!!" He yelled and pepper pulled him down.

Everyone cheered him and clapped their hands.

"So y/n, what about a boyfriend?" Tony asked and sat next to me, on the bar.

"You mean the one who doesn't exist or the one from my dreams?" You asked him sarcastically.

Tony knows that you've never had a boyfriend and you didn't even cared.

"The second one" tony joked.

"How about my little boy here?" He asked. you followed his gaze.

He looked at peter.

"Peter? Yeah. Right" you rolled your eyes.

"Well, he talks a lot about you"

You choked from your water.

He talks about me? The thought making your heart stop for a second.

tony took his drink and walked away,

Leaving you alone to deal with the bomb he just said.

-

The music started play as you sat down.

You took your heels of.

"God, my feet are killing me" you said rubbing your feet.

"Hey" you heard next to you.

You saw peter, standing next to you.

"Hey parker" you smiled from ear to ear for the saw of the cute brunette boy.

"Are you ok?" He simply asked.

"Yeah, just the shoes..."

"I think im gonna head back, its late and may probably worried" peter said.

"What? Are you sure?? Can't you just tell her that your staying over or something?" You didn't want Peter to leave yet...

"They're gonna eat me alive if you'll leave" you whined.

Peter chuckled softly.

"Yeah, but i don't like keeping may up late... I'll just come early tomorrow, ok?"

You smiled at him.

You always loved the way he cares so much and how much his aunt mean to him.

"You got yourself a deal, parker"

You picked your shoes from the floor and added

"Can you at least walk me to my room?"

He nodded fast

"Sure, of course"

Ok. I have to tell him tonight. Or else i wont be sure. You thought.

"Thanks for walking me... And coming today... It really made me happy" you said when you got to your room, trying to hide how much you were nervous.

"Sure, any time" he smiled, light red spread on his cheeks.

You took a deep breath.

You can do it.

"Ok, listen parker.

I need to tell something because im not sure if you didn't do it because you dont think like that or you're scared and you dont have the courage to do it. so, ok....

I think i like you peter.

No. I like you. For one hundred percent."

You said fast, but in confidence.

Peter stood there, looking at you in shock.

You scared for a second that he don't feel the same way, so you asked him again.

"Is there a tiny chance that you feel the same way?"

Peter nodded fast, smiling

"I like you too, for a while now" he said.

Your cheeks matched his, with a dark red colour.

You took a step closer to him.

"Can i kiss you?"

Peter nodded even faster then before, making you smile even more.

"Ok" you whispered, taking another step closer, so you're just a few inches away from him, looking in his beautiful brown eyes you love so much.

Then, moving your eyes to his lips.

You leaned in, slightly opening your lip and closing them on his.

You slipped your hand to his hair, stroking his soft curls.

And Peter kissed you back, and the feeling of his soft sweet lips on yours drived you crazy, making you want more.

But something was missing.

Peter didn't touched you.

His hands were next to his body, not knowing what to do.

So, without breaking the kiss, you took your hand out of his hair, going down to his, grabbing them and putting them on your back, pulling yourself closer to him with his hands as a permission.

You left his hands, putting yours back in his hair, deepening the kiss.

Now peter got a little more comfortable, so he pulled you closer, holding your cheek with one of his hands.

And the kiss...

The kiss took all of your attention.

Not letting you think about anything.

The only thing you did is smile against the kiss, trying to stop but you can't.

You were too happy not to.

You felt his tongue gently rubbing on your bottom lip.

You broke apart to catch your breath,

But peter pulled you right back, pressing his sweet soft lips on yours, deepening the kiss again, making your sweet kiss to a make out session.

But then, you heard a click.

A camera click.

You broke from the kiss looking out of your room.

The avengers stood there, looking at you in shock.

You felt blush climbs on your face.

"I got it on camera! I got it on camera!!" Scott screamed in excitement

"You two owe me 10 bucks" tony said to bucky and sam.

They both sighed and rolled they're eyes.

You buried your face in Peter's chest, prying for this to over.

"I can't believe you watched us" you said, walking towards them.

"Told you he likes you" tony smirked.

You send h an angry look.

Then, looking at your dad.

But he wasn't mad, he didn't looked like his gonna kill peter and burn the body.

He looked...

Happy.

"Come on guys, let's give them some privacy" your dad said, grabbing Tony's shoulders, pulling him away.

And the rest followed them.

You turned around, looking back at red peter.

"Im so sorry about that... You know how they get.." you bit your lips.

"So..." You tried to break the silence that was for a while.

But peter didn't said anything.

You smirked, your gonna try your luck again.

"Im gonna ask you something because i think i broke you so you won't be able to ask me but don't worry, i wont ruin you manly ego.

So parker, do you wanna take me on a date?"

But peter didn't answered, he just crushed his lips one more time before saying

"I'll pick you up tomorrow"

And then, he ran away.

Leaving you with a stupid grin covering your face, making you feel like the most lucky girl that exist.

[chans-baby-girl]

You’ll always have me!

Pairing: Felix x (Gender Neutral) Reader

Description: Fighting with your dad was regular thing but today he crossed a certain line and you need only person to cheer you up and one person only.

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: Verbals and Physical abuse (Slapping), bad parental relationships (father),mature language, established relationships, angst, fluff, mentions of depression but not explicitly stated.

~

“Don’t come back then!”

You wish you didn’t have to…you really did but sometimes things don’t work out the way you want them to. That’s what runs in your mind as you run out the door with your dog Kookies in tow. He looks at you and licks your face making you tear up with guilt for wanting to resent him a few minutes ago. He did start this after-all but he didn’t even know any better so it wasn’t like you could blame him.

“I just cleaned up his piss…”, your dad spat motioning to the now yellow stained wipe in his hand. “Next time you pick up after your own damn dog….What can’t hear or something?”

You barely heard half of that after removing your headphones that your dad didn’t notice you were wearing. But he had been with this sour mood all day so you were just offended?

“Who are you talking to?”, you reply seemingly forgetting you and him were the only ones in the room.

“So you think you’re being smart with me?” He walks closer to your bed anger lacing his tone.

“No I just don’t understand why you are taking it out on me I was in the bathroom you could’ve waited for me to finish and I would’ve cleaned it. So I’m just angry you are giving me attitude for something so childis-“ *SLAP*

“DON’T FUCKING TALK TO ME LIKE THAT YOU LITTLE SHIT IM YOUR DA-“

“WHAT SO JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE MY DAD YOU THINK YOU CAN PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME? DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER? STRONGER? HUH NOW THAT YOU HIT YOUR KID OH YOU ARE SO FUCKING TOUGH HUH? YOU FORGET IM A GROWN ADULT SO JUST LEAVE MY DOG ALONE THEN SINCE YOU DON’T LIKE MY DOG SO MUCH.”

You were so livid you couldn’t even see straight. Your vision began blurring, you started seeing red, and your ears even began ringing and you couldn’t even stop the words flowing out of your mouth. You were so sick and tired of how he treated you and him hitting you was crossing the line.

“ I DON’T WANT THAT DOG”

“I DON’T WANT YOU AND HERE WE ARE.”

“STOP TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT.”

“CAN’T HEAR YOU I HAVE HEADPHONES ON.”

You never shoved your AirPods in your ears faster hitting play and turning up the volume until you felt your phone fly out of your hand.

“FUCK THAT DOG I WANT IT GONE OK?”

“SAME TO YOU I HATE YOU!”

“FINE WITH ME UNGRATEFUL ASS ALL YOU DO IS FIGHT WITH ME I DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU! I FEED YOU LET YOU SEE YOUR BOYFRIEND I DONT HAVE TO DO ANY OF THAT.”

“I DON’T WANT ANYTHING FROM YOU THEN IF YOU ARE JUST GONNA GET LIKE THIS EVERY TIME AND YOU KNOW I HAVE MY OWN JOB SO STOP.” You swear your voice is going to give out and you tap your face and feel all the tears you didn’t even know were flowing. You felt hurt,angry, sad, until you just felt numb.

You ran and grabbed your dog and left with those last words echoing in your head.

“Don’t come back then!”

But you knew that it would be ok because you were almost there. You wished you could’ve let him know you were coming but your phone was back at your house. Soon enough you knock on an all too familiar door. You wipe your tears but you know you are probably going to cry again so it’s pointless to hide it. Kookies wags his tail in anticipation but the door never opens.

“Shit…is he not home?…”, you walk to his driveway and spot his parked car.

“…maybe he went to bed ….fuck fuck fuck….what do I do…what do we do?…”, you looked to Kookies who tilted his head in confusion and barked possessively.

You fought back tears until you choked on a sob and just cried loudly. It was uncontrollable at this point all the events leading up to this very moment have taken a toll and quite frankly it wasn’t something you wanted to deal with. You stepped away from the door and started walking towards the sidewalk. You didn’t know where else to go and you sure as hell didn’t wanna go home but you had no other choice.

You sobbed and started your walk home. Kookies whimpered at your sobbing features and licked your face in an attempt to soothe you but sadly, his efforts were futile. You barely made it 15 feet away from the house when Kookies began barking loudly. You pet him and told him that it was okay but he managed to wiggle his way out of his your grasp and ran towards the house once again.

“Kookies come back we have to go!”’ You cried as you reluctantly raced after him. He stopped at the door and sat there expectantly making you look at him in confused.

The door abruptly opened and there stood your boyfriend Felix clad in a oversized shirt that stuck to his seemingly damp frame with sweats underneath. His blond hair was tied back in a hair tie and it looked pretty frizzy. ‘Did he just…shower?’

You felt a bit dumb thinking he was asleep you kept your head down and didn’t say anything. Felix however studied your sad and exhausted appearance and put two and two together. This wasn’t the first time you’ve escaped to his house and in the 7 years he has been with you he knows the issue. He can still remember your broken face the first time you came over.

It was sophomore year and your dad had just yelled at you for not being home on time even though you told him that the city bus broke down and you had no other way home. He berated you and made you feel like it was all your fault so you ran to your boyfriends house for the first time. You were thankful he lived so close to you. He was shocked to see you appear unannounced at his doorstep and you had only been with him for a few months. Even then you never really told him what was going on in fear he would laugh too. It was far from what you expected though, he went out to get you snacks and made sure to make you comfy before wrapping you in his arms. He put on a movie and sat there without saying a word. He didn’t want to push you and waited for you to come out with it on your own. You did sure enough, and from then on it became a routine. His home became your home. He became your home.

Felix sighed before opening the door allowing you to step in. You put Kookies down and he went immediately to Felix, who happily let the dog jump in his arms and took him to his backyard before closing the door allowing Kookies to play with the toys Felix had out. You made your way to the couch that resides in the living room and sat on it without saying a word. Felix makes his way back to the living room and sat next to you. He opened his arms allowing you to rest your head on his shoulder. He placed his hands on your sides and gave you a reassuring squeeze.

You looked up at him with an unreadable expression and he just smiled softly at you because he just wanted you to feel safe. You broke down you couldn’t take it anymore you just let yourself cry and you let yourself be vulnerable around him. You knew that he was there even when your dad was going to be the worst Felix would always be the best. You eventually calmed down and Felix rocked you back and forth rubbing small circles to your back until you stop crying. It was silent for a few minutes more until you decided to speak: “He told me not to come back…even tho I know he said it because he was mad it hurt more than it should’ve…and idk Lix I just idk if I can t-take it anymore I’m so tired and exhausted.”, tears formed in your eyes and you pressed your head to his chest.

“I mean I said stupid shit to him too if I’m going to be fair so I am at fault for pissing him of-“

“YOU’RE at fault? YOU that’s ridiculous and fair????baby please don’t cover for him. Don’t defend him and don’t try to make yourself feel guilty that is what he is good at. Don’t do that to yourself love. It is not your fault and he has put you through hurt and suffering since before we even got together and you know it. His actions are inexcusable at this point and I am done sitting here and not being able to do anything about it. He said he doesn’t want you back and whether he means it or not you are staying with me. You know I have more than enough money for us and we can make this work. I promise love.”, he grabbed your hands and stared in your eyes and told you he loved you. You couldn’t help but get lost in his beautiful eyes and you couldn’t help but glance at his adorable freckles. You leaned in and pressed kisses to them which made him smile. You leaned I to him resting your head in the crook of his neck before replying with an ok.

“Hold that thought love ima go get Kookies since it’s darker outside now!” He gets up to go to the backyard only to return moments later with your furry companion.

“Anyways sweetheart I am so happy to hear that you wanna stay with me. Love I promise I’m going to take care of you here. Well you and Kookies how could I not he is so adorable and we both know he loves me more!”, he proclaims loudly puffing out his chest and donning one of his cheeky grins.

You scoff and roll your eyes.

“He does not”

“Does too”

“DOES NOT”

“DOES TOO”

“WHO DO YOU THINK GAVE BIRTH TO HIM!”

Felix bursts into laughter and squeals “NOT YOU!”

“HOW DARE YOU DO YOU EVEN VSCO?”, you shriek back and you’ve long forgotten what your dad even did.

Felix gets up and grabs Kookies,” You love me more right…give me a little kiss if you do!”

“HOW DARE YOU ASK HI-“

“SHHHH HE IS THINKING”, he replies causing you to stare at Kookies who has his head tilted. It took him a few moments to finally lick Felix’s cheek causing him to erupt in cheers while you in contrast feigned a hurt expression.

“Kookies how could you…don’t you remember where you came from!”, you fake cried. You and Felix both looked at each other and burst into a fit of giggles. Felix sat back down placing Kookies on the floor and hugged you tight. You sat in a comfortable silence until you spoke up.

“You know I still have to tell my dad I’m moving out?”

“Yes I do but I will be there with you ok love?”

“Yeah but I know he isn’t going to like me moving out on a whim I’m just a bit scared you know and I still have to get all of my stuff it’s just gonna be a mess.” You let out a heavy sigh and let your head fall in your hands. Felix shifts so you are in between his legs and starts to massage your back letting you relax in his hold. You always enjoyed his tender and relaxing massages from his tiny hands that worked wonders.

“I know things are going to go down but we need to get it done now or he is always going to do this to you and by staying you are just giving him that. I promise ima make it ok just trust me love.”

You nod with a smile and embrace him while kissing all over his face letting your hands roam to his sides to tickle him. He begins laughing uncontrollably squirming with tears forming in his eyes.

“YA STOP STOOOOOOP PLEASE”,he cries out pleading for mercy.

You smile widely letting your grin spread from ear to ear and mischievously reply,”Only if you make me brownies please please please.”

“YES YES OF COURSEEEEE PLEASE STAWWWWP.”

You smile with satisfaction and release him jumping up from the couch and start jumping up and down.

“My hero!”, you reply with a layer of sarcasm to which Felix merely smiled at before grabbing your hand and leading you to the kitchen.

To your surprise there are already ingredients for brownies laid on the counter. You gaze at Felix with a questioning look to which he simply shrugs.

“Actually I was already planning on making you brownies and bringing them over but fate was on my side as always.”, Felix grinned and wrapped his arm around your waist pulling you in front of him as he started preparing the mix. He made sure to keep you close because he loves inhaling your sweet scent. You turned around and smiled feeling so lucky have him. He made you feel so safe and secure. He made you feel loved and cared for which was something you lacked at home with your dad. Not that it was your real home because to you, you had found your real home in Felix and he found his home within you and that was all you needed.

“I am a bit sad though Lix cuz I don’t even have my dad to go to anymore.” You sighed wishing things could be different.

“I know but who cares even if the world turns against you…You’ll always have me!”, he grinned and turned you around so you could face him. You couldn’t help but smile back because he was right.

You pressed a kiss you his lips draping your arms around his neck to bring his closer. Quickly he wrapped his hands around your waist and moved his lips in sync with yours. You smiled into the kiss and started giggling randomly making Felix pull back and stare at you with a perplexed smile on his face.

“What? Do I have something on my face?” He began patting his face vigorously and let out an overly dramatic gasp. You rolled your eyes and hugged him instead pulling him close and squeezing him with the tightest grip you could muster.

“No you coconut I just…”, you sigh with a smile that he couldn’t see,”I just love you Felix I really love you. Thank you for always putting me first.”, you peck his lips and cup his face staring at his features and studying them like you’ll never see them again.

Felix beamed feeling a little proud of how good he is to you he peck your lips in response looking at you with his face full of love and care.

“I love you too forever and always.”

****************************************

Authors Note: just wanna say hi and welcome to my work I hope you enjoy and I just want y’all to know… I really tried 🤡 but if you like or if you want more stuff like this yk send asks :) anyways have an amazing day

[help-im-a-gay-fish]

Hi! (>^<)/

I'm curious, what will OT3 Fluffynightkiller/Ccillermare do if one of them gets sick or gets injured? Will they try to take care of their partner, or are there other options?🤔

Have a nice day! (^^)

That's a good one! And hell if I'm gonna miss this opportunity for some fluff....... And so Angst, some sweet angst.

But fluff first.

Also I should probably tag my fellow head cannon makers now that I've thought of it @yuriyuruandyuraart and @kotikaleo

So first Nightmare and Killer.

If Nightmare is sick then he tries to act very grown up about it. He doesn't need anyone's help to take care of him, he's a grown up. He'll text Killer to let him know he's not going into work, saying he's sick.

Killer "awww you want me to come over and put you to bed with a bottle of milk Nighty?"

Nightmare "oh shut it you"

So Nightmare tells Killer he'll be fine by himself and not to worry. That won't stop Killer from texting him every 10 minutes or calling him every hour to check on his boyfriend. Just in case.

Killer on the other hand is stubborn as a mule about being sick. He's abit like Monica from friends in this aspect. He'll come into work with a bitter cold, coughing and sneezing, but will deny being ill in anyway. (no corna in the studio verse thank god)

Que him attempting to act but getting not even 5 minutes into the script before the director tells him to go home. Nightmare trys to convince him resting would be a good idea.

Nightmare "come on now ya idiot.... Let's go you're sick"

Killer "nope! *sneezes* how about you an I go to your dressing room sofa.... And I'll show ya I'm not sick~"

Nightmare "...... No"

Killer "aw.. Don't you want some of this?"

Nightmare "no"

In the end Killer goes home and spends the time sleeping, complaining that he's not sick or texting Nightmare, trying to get him to come over for fun times. You know to prove he's fine. Nightmare has never fallen for killer's subduction methods. At least that's what he says.

Though for the most part Killer and Nightmare take care of themselves when they are ill. They are both Independent people who don't want to attmit to needing help, or attmit to caring enough about the other one to offer help. Yall know 'casual'

This is wear Ccino comes in, he's the opposite to his partners in that aspect.

When one of his boyfriends as ill he'll be over with some warm tea in a flask, some painkillers or cough syrup and some tins of soup. No matter what Nightmare or Killer say, he is stubborn with this.

Nightmare "ccino it's just a cold, I can take care of myself"

Ccino "nope. I made you soup!"

Killer "I'm not sick honey, I can prov-

Ccino - no shush!, drink your tea"

Nightmare and Killer go into a slightly tsundere mode about it. They don't like being cared for by the coffee boy! They aren't blushing! Shush!

As for Ccino being sick? Well.... For that I have two answers.

First one being that If Ccino was unwell, it wouldn't stop him from working. Kind of like Killer, but for him, he's not in denial about being sick, he knows he's sick but he will work anyway. Even if he stays home, he's not in bed. He's up studying or cleaning. Always working.

Luckily after he gains two boyfriends, you can be sure that Nightmare and Killer are gonna pay him back for caring for them by bringing over soup and tea.

However this leads me on to my second answer. This might press into a touchy subjects so be aware of that.

Ccino is basically sick all the time because he makes himself that way. This is where the Angst comes in. Under the cut.

He'll be up at 3 am studying, only to then get up at 6am to feed his cats. Then he'll go to work at a local coffee shop for a few hours, then study for an hour or so, then go to work at the studio. Then he comes home, eats, showers and gets to classes. Then after classes he'll keep studying. And repeat.

After Nightmare and Killer were brought into the picture, Ccino has to squeeze them into his schedule. Now he has to make up the time with Nightmare and Killer by studying or working longer.

Long story short, Ccino never gives himself a break. He just has to much work to do, but he'll never attmit this to anyone.

And it just gets worse. Sometimes Ccino forgets to even take care of his basic needs. His cats and his lovers are more important. Maybe he'll forget to eat every other day, or forget to shower. He's fine though. He's fine.

Imagen one day while working at the studio it all just hits him at once and it drives him to collapsing. "I'm fine... Im fine" he says as his boyfriends question him. He gets to his feet, saying he needs to get back to work.

But maybe then they notice, those dark circles under his eyes.... When did he last sleep? The stains on his clothes, when did he last shower? When was the last time they saw him eat?

Nightmare and Killer start to notice things about their coffee boy. The way his smiles are often forced or very tired. They way that his shoulders are sagged. The way his arms are covered in 'cat scratches'.

Sometimes Ccino just won't show up for work. He'll just lay in bed and stare upwards. His phone will ring and he'll want to answer but.... He just can't. He doesn't have the energy. Nightmare or Killer will come and knock on his door. But he can't get up and answer. He just doesn't have the motivation or energy.

Ccino still has depression. As happy as Nightmare and Killer make him.... It doesn't change that. His depression might be a mildler form. But it's still there.

Then after a few days he'll come into work like nothing happened. Maybe Nightmare and Killer didn't notice this when he first started working there. But after a while they start to notice. All these little things make them worried.

So maybe instead of teasing him, they will just give him more genuine affection. Hugs, kisses, nuzzles.

Maybe they offer to help him to study and help him revise.

Perhaps they bring him food during his shifts, or cook for him or take him out for dinner. So that he eats.

Maybe they start sleeping over at his flat more or inviting him to theres. So they can hold him at night and make him feel confortable. Or they can make sure he sleeps.

In the end perhaps they catch him while 'the cats are scratching his arms' or maybe they happen to be there when he doesn't have any energy. They just want to help him with soft kisses and touches. Lots of words of reassurance. Maybe convince him to finally let down his walls.

"it's ok to tell us if you are hurting, it's ok if you aren't ok, you aren't a burden to us... we love you remember that".

So in the end Ccino is the one who needs to be cared for the most out of the 3 of them. We can only hope that Nightmare and Killer can give him that love.

Heh.... This got abit sad, but if I'm honest, this is my truest, head cannon about the relationship. I'm sorry to get into touchy topics, but it's something I have personal experience with, which makes me want to share it more. I'm not sure how many of you read this part, but thank you for reading.

[dontasktheradiodemon]

I Love You (3/14/2021)

Buddy I don’t even need to summarize this thread, I can just tag it with tropes like it’s a fic, here watch me go: #angst #hurt/comfort #anguished declarations of love #tw depression #tw suicidal ideation

Immediate sequel to this thread but reading it is optional. Basically, it’s nearly impossible to spend very long in Hell without developing a guilt complex and fantasizing about whether it’d be better to stop being; Alastor and Telly @usedhearts open up to each other about theirs.

Frankly it’s a startling display of mutual emotional vulnerability and I’m proud of them both.

Sir Pentious

whenever he came back from that, what did he do

cause it said he went right to telly so 👀

Alastor

Initially? Probably just tracked him down in whatever he was currently doing and went “can I hold you”

Sorta, holding it together by a thread barely

Sir Pentious

telly probably noticed but just 'yes' and let him Hold Him no matter how grimy he was at the time

Alastor

And he’ll be content with that for about three minutes before that one thread starts fraying and he goes “... can you hold me”

Sir Pentious

thats all it takes for him to coil around alastor and hold him Tight

Alastor

Curls up tight in him and sobs on his shoulder.

Sir Pentious

telly just holds him TIGHTER

makes little comforting/soothing sounds

he doesnt know why he's upset but he will be there for him

Alastor

They’re just both gonna be grimy and that’s Fine.

Sir Pentious

so very grimy

they can take baths later

Alastor

When he’s finally capable of attempting coherent speech again the first thing he’s gonna get out is “I never, ever, ever want to leave you.”

Sir Pentious

telly just takes his face in one hand and cradles it so gently and just 'ok, alright, you don't have to.'

give him a kiss

forehead kiss bc he's probably snotty

Alastor

He’s definitely snotty. He’s full on ugly sobbing.

Sir Pentious

oh hes probably not smiling huh

i think thats probably the first time telly sees that

Alastor

NOPE, he lost that sometime while he was hiding in Telly’s shoulder.

First time Telly’s seen him with the mask off

Sir Pentious

god thats got him WORRIED and he just HUGS HIM AGAIN NICE AND TIGHT AND COILED

telly: ive got you. ive got you, im here, it's alright...

Alastor

He’s just gonna keep clinging as hard as he can, he got out One sentence and now he’s sobbing too hard to talk again.

It’s a lot of radio static and feedback noise

Sir Pentious

telly is just going to KEEP HOLDING HIM god himself couldnt pry this snake off this deer and would get bitten and injected with venom for trying

Alastor

He’ll gradually stop sobbing and the shaking will decrease to shivering

Sir Pentious

telly's just going to hold him through it all, pet his hair, massage at the base of his ears, everything he can do to soothe him

Alastor

Mumbles his gratitude and an apology for interrupting telly’s work

Sir Pentious

telly: no no don't apologize. i love you and i want to be here for you. my work will still be there. id much rather know that you're alright and have it be interrupted than you be upset or hurting and you not come to me for fear of interrupting me.

Alastor

Mumble mumble he could have handled it himself

Sir Pentious

telly: i don't _want_ you to have to handle it yourself. i'm here for you, alastor. i want you to know that you can come to me whenever you need me and i'll be here.

Alastor

Tries to say three different things but chokes on them all and just wheezes out another thanks.

Sir Pentious

he just gets a squeeze and a kiss to the nearest him surface

Alastor

He keeps holding on until he can get a small, tired smile fixed back on his face, and then he pulls back to say “Thanks” again.

Sir Pentious

he gets another forehead kiss and then telly gonna lead him to the bathroom and they are taking a BATH they are now both covered in grim AND snot

Alastor

You know, that’s fair. Bath time. Strips down to boxers, climbs in with Telly, and Clings again. ... and sorry about Telly’s clothes, he’ll clean them before the snot fossilizes

Sir Pentious

Those were his dirty work clothes, it's fine, the Eggs will wash them. But it is BATHTIME, and they are both getting a scrubbing. Moreso Telly than Alastor tho.

Alastor

... can Alastor get a scrubbing too

Sir Pentious

Absolutely!

A softer scrubbing than Telly gets

Alastor

He’s going all jelly-eyed again. It’s ok he’s fine.

Sir Pentious

He gets a nice wash cloth and a nice gently scented soap, and a boyfriend to hum to him as he kinda reverently cleans him.

Alastor

He gets self-conscious SO fast, he’s gonna hold his breath and slide under the water. It’s fine he’s fine

Sir Pentious

Telly just smiles and giggles bc that's cute, you're cute Alastor. Probably wraps his tail tip around Alastor's ankle to gently and playfully tug him thru the water.

Alastor

!!! Grabs Telly’s wrists to pull him down into the water.

Sir Pentious

Now they're both underwater!! Gonna tussle with a sea serpent in his natural element, huh, Alastor!! Play time, silly mode ACTIVATED

Alastor

GOOD he’s ready to wrestle. He’s trying not to laugh, he doesn’t want to inhale water.

Sir Pentious

Time to PLAY and WRASSLE!!

Tumbling and splashing and a big grinning snake!!

Alastor

Alastor’s got a surefire way to win this wrestling match! He’s gonna GRAPPLE THE SNAKE COMPLETELY. ... basically he’s just hugging him. Hi.

Sir Pentious

Grapple the snake and the snake grapples back. Now you're wrapped in a tail Alastor, and getting a mermaid kiss.

Alastor

Oh no, what shall he do. This definitely wasn’t his plan. Totally wasn’t. Not at all. Nope.

Sir Pentious

Kiss kiss fall in love, and he's rising up out of the water, because he wants that mouth OPEN for TONGUE.

Alastor

When they get out of the water, Alastor breaks the kiss—sorry, not going for tongue this time

Sir Pentious

Telly blinks and just brief pouting, but holds him close all the same. Kisses cheek instead.

Alastor

“Sorry. Just... tired.” Considering he sobbed about half the liquid out of his body earlier,

Sir Pentious

Wipes the wet hair off his forehead and then kisses it. "That's fine. Come on then, lets get out and dry off. Would you like a snack before bed?"

Alastor

“I need a drink. Not a drink-drink, just a drink. Fluids.”

Sir Pentious

"Of course. I'll get you some water, once we dry off."

Alastor

A nod. He’s still in a quiet mood.

Sir Pentious

Telly gonna carry him out of the bath and set him on a rug. Get towel and start drying him

Alastor gets dried first because Telly Must Care For Him.

Alastor

He puts up a token struggle against this but okay as long as he goes next.

Sir Pentious

He will. Alastor gets handed a Towel and offered his pick of head or tail.

Alastor

Head this time.

Sir Pentious

He Offers Himself on Alastor's drying alter.

Alastor

Alastor Shall Dry This Offering. And while he does he says hesitatingly, “You don’t have to ask if you don’t want to. But you can if you want.” Because it’s been weighing heavily on him as Really Fucking Weird that he just unloaded a hurricane on Telly’s nice jacket and at no point did Telly ask what that was all about

Sir Pentious

He considers it and shrugs a little. "That depends: Do you want to tell me, or would you rather not tonight?"

Alastor

He has to think about it a moment. “I think you should know.”

Sir Pentious

"Alright. Then tell me."

Alastor

Thinks about it; but then just keeps drying.

Sir Pentious

Telly just looks up at him and blinks. "Well?"

Alastor

Stops drying again. “You’re sure?” Listen, this is hard to share,

Sir Pentious

"Yes. If it had you that upset and you say that I _should_ know, then I would like to know."

Alastor

He shouldn’t have said that. He wraps the towel around Telly, hugs him, and sighs. Okay.

Sir Pentious

He's just going to lay there on the rug with Alastor, and the towel wrapped around him. And state with his big ole eyes.

Alastor

No... Not the big ole eyes... That makes this harder. He’s gotta look away. “I... don’t want to be... here.” YEAH ALASTOR GREAT START, SUPER CLEAR, RADIO HOST OF THE YEAR

Sir Pentious

A very confused furrowed brow. "Meaning what?"

Alastor

“In Hell. In—existence.” He swallows hard. “Hell wears you down. It—rubs your soul raw. It sandpapers you off a bit at a time. And I’m—I’m tired.”

Sir Pentious

A soft, concerned look and a hand cupping his face. "Oh, love...I can understand that feeling. I'm...I'm tired too. It is very tiring. Before I met Hel, I'd been close to giving up entirely. And then before I met you, I'd been ready to check myself into that hotel, just to see if it was possible. Something to change the tedium...."

Alastor

“I spend so much of my time going on walks. I don’t have anything else to do but go on walks.” He covers Telly’s hand with his own so he can press into it and shuts his eyes. “Almost every year, I wonder whether this is going to be the year that I decide to go for a walk when the angels come.”

Sir Pentious

And his heart clenches so tightly in his chest. "Don't." The word is soft and unbidden, desperate.

"There have been many a year where I've felt the same...where I thought it would be better to just end it. But I didn't. Mostly out of spite, but that can only get you so far. I like having love to live for better. Or exist for. Neither of us are living." A dry, bitter, short chuckle.

Alastor

His heart skips a beat at the word, so pronounced he flinches at the odd th-thump. Still not used to those. “I won’t. *I never want to leave you.*” He pulls Telly close. “And you’ll stay here?”

Sir Pentious

"I will." It's a promise, a swear, and he can't help but sit up to kiss him, at least once. "Don't leave me and I'll stay here, too."

Alastor

Alastor returns the kiss; it’s not a formal pact with magic and all, but it feels like one. “Then we’ll both stay.” He presses his forehead to Telly’s, eyes still shut. “It’s... heavy, though.”

Sir Pentious

"I know. Damn it, do I _know_. Humans like us, we weren't meant to be eternal. It _fucks_ with us, especially knowing that we've already died. But you have me now. And I have you. And if we share our loads, it won't seem as heavy." He may be crying, just a bit, and luckily only from the face eyes.

Alastor

“Knowing we’ve died—and knowing we aren’t *worth* eternity. I know I’m not. I know Hell is a punishment, but—sometimes it feels so *generous.*”

But he nods, slightly, with their heads still together. “But—I have you and you have me. And good God, am I glad I do.”

Sir Pentious

"I understand. I know exactly what you mean." Sighs and wraps his arms around him.

"I'm glad to have you too. I...I love you." A small kiss.

Alastor

"I love you, too." And it hurts like hellfire to say. It's the thing keeping him chained here, and it's also such a part of the reason why Hell hurts at all.

He presses his face to Telly's shoulder; this time, at least, his crying is quiet.

Sir Pentious

His breath catches and the tears come again, more freely. He can feel the eyes on his tail beginning to leak as well, can't control it in the moment. Telly's arms wrap more tightly around Alastor, and one of his hands moves up to stroke and card through his hair. He squeezes his eyes (on his face) shut again, he shakes with quiet sobs, holding Alastor to him as if everything depended on keeping him close.

Alastor

He holds Telly just as tightly, an arm around his back and an arm around his shoulders. Guilt twists in him at being the one to make Telly cry; but Alastor’s not crying hard, this time around he can support Telly through his sobbing.

Sir Pentious

They're not hard sobs, instead soft little things, hiccups more like, and along with them comes a soft chorus of "Love you, love you, love you." The amount of emotions that are roiling around inside of him, who knows if the crying is sadness, happiness, or something else. But there is an overabundance and he is letting it out.

Alastor

And Alastor will keep supporting him until it’s all out, the same way Telly did earlier. He briefly lowers one hand to Telly’s tail and gently tugs, encouraging him to coil around Alastor if he wants. He can deal with a dozen eyes crying on him.

Sir Pentious

The tail barely needs any encouragement, it is up and coiling in an instant, squeezing Alastor's lower half. Not hard enough to hurt, but definitely very tight. Telly doesn't take too long to calm, the tears stopping and his breathing evening out. Then he's just breathing deeply against Alastor, still holding him tight, but with less desperation.

Alastor

Alastor rubs Telly’s back as the tears slowly stop coming. Once Telly’s breathing has steadied, Alastor murmurs, “How do you feel?”

Sir Pentious

"I'm not sure. I'm happy, but tired, and sad that you felt so tired, too."

Alastor

“I don’t want you to be sad on my behalf.” He sighs quietly. “But if there’s happiness in there too...”

Sir Pentious

"I can't help it, I love you, and knowing that you hurt, it hurts me too. But that's not to say 'don't tell me when you're hurting' because I _want_ to know. So that I can help if I can. Or just hold you, if that's what you need. But I'm happy because you love me, and you're here with me, and we can help each other. And that is what's most important, more than anything." A soft sigh in return, and a gentle kiss to his shoulder.

Alastor

“That’s the worst part of this whole thing, isn’t it? We’ve got to carry each other’s pain on top of our own—and then we feel guilty for paining each other.” Alastor laughs ruefully. “But I’m here for you. For whatever damage control we can do.” He returns the kiss.

Sir Pentious

"It's quite something: you want your love to not hurt, but then your hurt hurts them, and they don't want you to hurt, but their hurt hurts you, and it's just another fucking ouroboros." He laughs, a bit of a hysterical tinge to it. "But I'll endure it. For you."

Alastor

“I’ve always thought there was something beautiful in the image of devouring oneself alive.” There wasn’t anything beautiful in *this,* but maybe he could find it. “I will, too. As long as I give you more happiness than unhappiness.”

Sir Pentious

Telly pulls back just a tad, enough to see Alastor's face. He cups it and kisses him, pressing their foreheads together again. "You already have."

Alastor

“Make sure I keep it up.” He cupped Telly’s face as well, running his thumbs over his cheeks. “We’ve only just gotten started, and there’s a long eternity ahead of us.”

Sir Pentious

"I will. I hold you to that." A bit of a smirk, and he's uncoiling, and grabbing the towel again. "I'm mostly dry but still a little damp. Let's finish up and get some water, _I'm_ thirsty now too."

Alastor

Huff. “*Right.* Of course.” He retrieves the towel he’d wrapped around Telly’s shoulders and helps, taking special care with the tear streaks around his many eyes. “We can try out another one of your herbal teas, see if this’ll be the one I like. I can whip up something or other to go with it.”

Sir Pentious

Telly smiles and finishes drying, before taking Alastor's hand. He kisses it and then wraps it around his arm to start slithering towards the kitchen. "Anything in particular you want to try tonight? Or should I just try and pick something that I think you'll perhaps like?"

Alastor

“Whatever you want. It still all tastes like fruity tea to me.” He laughs self-consciously. “I’ll get there.”

Sir Pentious

"Maybe something with some citrus? For a zest? I have a few mixes like that." They are now in the kitchen and Telly's going to get the kettle on and then dig around for the teas.

Alastor

“Sure, I could use some zest.” He starts rummaging around to see what he can make that goes with something citrusy. He’s got this place pretty well outfitted by now, if he says so himself.

Sir Pentious

"Alright, I have a green tea with orange, clove, and ginger. It's very tasty, has a good bite." He hummed as he got out the clear pot that he'd used before, and two cups.

Alastor

Green tea, what goes with green tea? He’s got no idea what goes with green tea. He can slap together some tea sandwiches that go with orange, clove, and ginger, though. “How does chicken sound?” And perhaps a more important question: “When did you last eat?”

Sir Pentious

Cue him pausing as his brain starts to work, trying to remember. "Ahhh...this morning? Breakfast, yes, I think that was when." Oh look how concentrated he is on pouring the water into the pot he is now.

Alastor

Maybe something a bit more substantial than a rinkydink tea sandwich, then. “Would you say that tea’s more clove-y or ginger-y?

Sir Pentious

He lifts the dried tea to his mouth to blelele and hums. "More clove-y."

Alastor

“Then let’s make that beef instead of chicken. Compliments it better without having to toss in a dozen other spices—and we don’t want to overpower the tea, do we...” He presumes they don’t want to, anyway. He checks the fridge to see what they’ve got on hand. Watch out, he’s switching into Cooking Mode.

Sir Pentious

Telly loves when he switches into cooking mode. He's just going to move the cups and the pot to the table and then settle in to watch.

Alastor

Okay, keep it simple—he grabbed some roast beef, onions, watercress, mayo, and some odds and ends to mix into the mayo that will *hopefully* compliment the tea, passing each ingredient one by one to his shadow to find a place for on the counter. Alastor swoops by Telly to give him a quick squeezing hug on his way to start prepping sandwiches—maybe a slightly longer hug. Maybe he’ll linger here a moment.

Sir Pentious

Oh! A hug, yes, a hug is good. Get that snake purring like an engine. He's very tempted to coil but he won't, he's getting hungry just watching.

Alastor

Okay, no, no getting emotional. Twice in one day is enough. He’s got fancy mayo to prepare. He lets go and hurries to the counter. “So. What’s... What were you working on earlier?” Don’t mind if his voice is a little rough, it’s fine.

Sir Pentious

"Oh, just more repairs. Installing new parts and making some delicate calibrations that the Eggs can't handle." He's watching Alastor and not even paying attention to the tea, that's gonna seep for a good while.

Alastor

“I ought to take an evening or two to help out with repairs.” He’s talking as much to himself as to Telly. “I keep coming over and *watching,* there’s no reason I can’t pick up a wrench or screwdriver and pitch in.”

Sir Pentious

"I'd love for you to help, I can get instruct you what to do just fine, I know how capable you are." A smile, and then he's re-noticing the tea and pouring a cup. Adds a little honey for sweetness and takes a satisfied sip.

Alastor

He passes over the first sandwich. “If it goes horribly with the tea: I’m sorry, forgive me, I did my best, it’s not my fault.”

Sir Pentious

Telly laughs. "I'm sure it will be fine, Alastor." He takes the sandwich and bites, and then takes a sip of tea, and then makes a very surprised and delighted noise. "Oh, that tastes wonderful."

Alastor

“Good!” He finishes his own, takes a bite—good—and pours some tea for himself to try—well, it still tastes like tea, but like, at least a tea that pairs well with the sandwich. “The good news is I think I’m starting to differentiate the taste of green tea from other teas.”

Sir Pentious

A smile. "Good! I'm glad. Maybe you're acquiring the taste for tea, at least a bit." A wink, and then he's back to eating. He finishes it far, far too fast-- Telly really does just inhale his food when propriety isn't a factor-- and then he's just sipping his tea. His tail slides over to curl around Alastor's calf.

Alastor

Alastor's taken two bites. He pauses before the third. "... Do you want another sandwich?"

Sir Pentious

Oh, shy snake look, and then a little nod. "Yes, please." And his tail retracts to let Alastor move.

Alastor

He waves his shadow over to do it and nudges Telly's tail with his foot. He's staying put.

Sir Pentious

Oh! Good, the tail is curling back around and holding him, and he smiles just so fond and bright. And another sip of tea.

Alastor

Alastor returns the smile—it still looks tired, but it’s just a little warmer when he meets Telly’s gaze. “I’m sorry I threw you off your schedule today.” Such as it was; Alastor was getting the distinct impression that Telly’s schedule was *however much I can get done today in as many hours as I can keep working.* “I’ll help you get back on track. And next time it’s your turn to have an emotional breakdown, all right?”

Sir Pentious

He laughs softly, and reaches over to take Alastor's hand, thumb stroking gently. "Alright, but you have to mop up after." A snicker.

Alastor

Alastor squeezed Telly’s hand. “It’s a deal.”

Sir Pentious

He hums and takes another sip of his tea, not letting go of Alastor's hand. "Is my other sandwich done?"

Alastor

Alastor glances over.

His shadow is just, sorta, standing there, awkwardly, holding a sandwich, watching this tender moment. Heyyy.

Alastor gestures. Go on, put the man’s sandwich down.

Sir Pentious

And he is devouring the sandwich, very happily. A contented snake.

Alastor

Well, for all Alastor’s flaws, at least he can help keep one snake fed—and that’s something, isn’t it? He continues eating his own sandwich. It’s a little awkward with one hand, but right now nothing could make him let go of Telly.

[cosmosrival]

👀 Does Kama like to peg Ash? 👀

u know what... ? u know what ?

KamAsh headcanons (AND NSFW HEADCANONS) time!!!!!! i don’t care anymore i had fun writing the kama*master ones 

so have these !!!!! might also become a character analysis and trivia because i cannot stay consistent when im talking about them !!!!

reminder bfore i start: ITS FINAL ASCENSION KAMA. NOT THE OTHERS. 

ok we’re good now

i think kama tops by default in every relationship they’re in, but their true strength resides in the fact that they are vers. and i believe that ash is ALSO vers. because flustered kama is a luxury and super cute and delicious and BECAUSE YOU WOULDNT LET YOUR GOD OF LOVE TOP YOU ???? ARE YOU SURE ??? YOU WOULDNT LET URSELF BE PAMPERED BY UR GOD ? ARE U REALLY SURE ?

ash is very cute because he’s gap moe, his respect for parvati shows that he’s not just a rage machine and can very much think normally like ur regular gold hearted delinquent anime boy !!!! god i Love him... anyway, i think he respects kama enough to look out for them and worship them like a proper God!! i believe that ash would call kama things like ‘your divinity’, ‘your grace’ (and if u have some jp knowledge, i think he’d add “-sama” to their name) because they... are god? (i think arjuna and karna also call them like this !! polite mahabharatan warriors are good boys)

since ash never married in the epic, i like to think that it’s because he was very much focused on his duty and ALSO because his participation in the war was out of loyalty towards king dhritarashtra and hastinapur so he was... perhaps planning on getting married once the war Ends ??? HE WAS OUT THERE FIGHTING !!!!!!! but we all know what happened to him (sheds a tear) 

anyway i think he’d be a bit of a masochist. (the room falls silent and you all look at me)

SORRY THAT WAS VERY HARDCORE ALL OF A SUDDEN but hear me out, FIRST OF ALL this man was able to endure an immortality curse until lord krishna eventually decided to free him so he’d join the throne and SECOND OF ALL, in his interlude he speaks of looking for ways to repent because he regrets what he’s done. and since we’re kinky over here, i’m gonna throw gentle femdom in the mix bc i think it fits them and its cute. especially because kama is literally the best person he could apologize to. and the only person who’d make his repentance pleasurable (because its their mcfreakin talent !!!!!) even if it technically wasnt his fault, i think his need to atone would just... overpower that and he’ll want to do anything kama wants, just to earn a crumb of forgiveness (without being desperate about it because... HES GOT AN EGO STILL, COME ON)

i like to think that he’s tried to apologize properly before... in a tense moment when they’re both more calm and alone. but kama stopped him because it’d just make things worse. if kama loses the need to have a grudge, will they even be useful as a servant anymore ? would they forgive themself for being so lenient ? forgiving their murderer’s protégé when they havent even had proper revenge ? kamadeva might have been a benevolent god before, but now they’re a lot more malicious (mara...) and this pointless anger would just make them look like an idiot (because servant shiva doesnt exist (YET?)). and i think ashwatthama would understand. 

so he won’t say the words “i’m sorry” because it’d just hurt them. 

THO WILL HE STOP LOOKING OUT FOR THEM AND SPOILING THEM ? no he will not

kama would find him interesting because he’s perfect bullying fodder but as i said before, it doesn’t work on ash. HE’S A WARRIOR ??? A CURSED IMMORTAL ? DO U THINK THAT PETTY PRANKS LIKE THE ONES KAMA DOES WOULD AFFECT HIM ? “are you bored ?” he asks while they’re trying to surprise him from behind and jumpscare him, without even turning to face them. kama groans in defeat.

SEDUCTION DOESNT WORK ON HIM EITHER AND THATS SO FUNNY but thats where it becomes subtle, he grows attached to them because they’ve gotten used to eachother’s presence (and strength in battle... small things like that). love can be born out of simple things!! blatant bimbo seduction doesn’t work on him but when he comes to wake kama up, and they’re too lazy to get up or float and groggily order him to lean forward so they can hold onto his shoulders so he’ll lift them up when he straightens himself is...

he’d find it cute. they’re cute. when they reach the cafeteria it’s still quite early and he already knows what they like to eat and get their plate ready for them while they’re waking up and yawning. god... they’re cute... its so subtle and cute...

......ok time to be horny !!! (TOMATOES GET FLUNG AT ME)

i think that they’d reach this stage after a while, when kama just gives up on bothering him cuz he’s annoyingly strong (and ganesha is more fun to bother anyway) and since they’re around eachother very often, kama would grow comfortable around him. same for ashwatthaman ! they’re very nice to be around when they’re calm and just chillin. 

the only teasing kama hasn’t tried on him is being openly horny and come onto him, asking him things about himself. and ash revealing that he’s never done these sorts of things before (HES A LIL MAD CUZ ITS EMBARRASSING ... DAMN... !!!), i think it’d give kama ideas. I MLAUGHING TYPING THIS BC I DIDNT THINK OF HOW THEY’D COAX HIM INTO GETTING NAUGHTY YET AND IT SOUNDS LIKE A BAD PORN INTRO AHHHHHHHHHHH

ok yeah like i said i didnt think of the coaxing yet but knowing ash, kama could turn it into a competition and make fun of him a little and he’s ready to go. arrogant dummy. 

he’s polite but his arrogance is a charm point because he’ll def want to prove himself to the god of carnal love. imagine kama’s reaction when he actually outfucks them.

HONESTLY ? I BELIEVE HIS WARRIOR STAMINA WOULD JUST BE INCREASED ONCE HE BECAME A SERVANT. AND KAMA WAS NEVER A WARRIOR theyre a lavish and lazy god.

BUT THEIR EGO IS WOUNDED and their shocked reaction is cute and ash wants to keep holding them for a little longer

their sessions genuinely feel like hatefucking at first since they’re both weirdly competitive like that but then, guilt hits and kama feels like an idiot because they just came onto someone thats supposedly their enemy??? and they’re a bit distant in the aftermath, they almost... look a little shy. 

ashwatthaman isnt beating himself over it as much as they are tho. it felt good, he got to see a new side of them he never thought he’d get to see so intimately and... he outfucked God :) SO HE IS PROUD. but looking at them lying there, breathless and looking all sad worries him. so i can see him leaning forward and spooning them, holding their hand and kissing their fingers and it’s such a soft gesture, kama stutters and asks “Where.. where did you learn to do that.” and seeing their reaction, Ash blushes as well and explains that he saw his father kiss his mom’s hand once???? AND ITS... SUCH A CUTE AND OBVIOUS REASON. kama feels dumb for asking but it makes them chuckle. 

and i think seeing someone who constantly looks so tired and depressed, have a genuine little chuckle would melt ash right there. i think he’ll want to see more. 

AND FROM THAT POINT ON, i think kama would also get used to this... intimacy they start to share. when he wraps his arms around them he always hugs them in this protective way, as if he wanted to shield them from something. and when he holds them like that, they always feel the need to wrap their legs around his waist, hide their face against his neck and Allow him to cuddle them.

they both have an ego u know aha. so if u openly ask them about eachother, they’ll get embarrassed and shut u down. IT’S... IT’S NOT LIKE THAT (sweats)

it is. it is like That. 

ANYWAY THEYRE BOTH VERY VERSATILE and ash is pretty much into everything kama could teach him about. like i said earlier, he’s also fine with being manhandled, mostly the feeling of kama’s nails gently pressing against his skin, or being bit. i think he’d be into getting a lil feral.

a mutual once said that sexually liberated ashwatthama is hot as hell and i feel it in my bones.... kama coming onto him after a particularily short mission that got ash angry but not enough to let out some steam --> they get pounded into the mattress and they live for it because riling him up when he’s like that is actually really fun.

OBSESSED WITH THE BOTH OF THEM SLOWLY SEEING IT AS A GAME AFTER A WHILE... 

OH ash bottoming is also very cute. his first times would be awkward but kama is a pro at this anyways and i’m finally going to answer ur ask: YEAH HE GETS PEGGED !!!!! he finds out how excited he gets when kama calls him a good boy !!! and he never knew that he was into these sorts of things but holy shit it feels nice.

when kama gives him his first blowjob he almost loses his mind

what i really love about kama is that they can see how tense he gets, even if he’s having a great time, and i know they’d teach him how to relax. EVEN WHEN THEY’RE RIDING HIM, they’ll massage his pecs and his shoulders, set the pace and squeeze down on him just to hear him moan. stare at his surprised little face because he didn’t know he could make THAT kind of nois e ? ? ? ? ?

HE’S EMBARRASSED but he doesn’t want them to stop

OH YEAH i wanna come back on the whole masochist thing (I GET SNIPED), him getting repentance and being punished through sex is both very liberating and hot as hell, especially when it’s kama. ashwatthaman moaning ‘your divinity’ like it’s a prayer is also hot as hell !!!!!!! IDK i just think that they can both get very intense, and also last a while, until they’re thoroughly SPENT.

...and leave room for softness. kama gently brushing his wet hair behind his ear, leaving him breathless and a little shy. they then lean in to kiss him and he immediately melts into their touch. but then they bite his lip. and he ... he Likes it but he could almost pout.

time to get a little angsty (i lock gazes with you) i think that after a long while of sharing such a relationship, ash would almost say The Forbidden Words in a daze. and kama deeply kisses him so he stays quiet. and they’re just staring at eachother, until kama tells him that he’s not allowed to say it. and if he does, it’ll almost be a betrayal towards shiva AND themself. they’ve grown impossibly close but neither of them can say Those Words because they both feel like they’ll break something.

also bc they both have huge egos.

but i think that deep down they really want to say them. 

another variant of this is kama wanting to make him admit it, have him say Those Words. but because of his blessing and respect towards lord shiva, he cannot. both because of the guilt and that it’d end up feeling like a lie, even if his touches, his kisses and the way he looks at kama screams otherwise.

BUT REE WHAT ARE THE FORBIDDEN WORDS

"I Won't Say (I'm in Love)" Hercules (1997).

is this enough of a clue ;;);)););;;))))))) HAAHA

THEY HAVE SO MANY LAYERS TO THEM ITS UNREAL

anyway shower sex hot !! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

i also think that them mutually jerking eachother off is hot as all hell and ONCE AGAIN, flustered ash who doesn’t know what he’s doing (at first) is cute !!!! cute !!

ashwatthaman LEARNING from kama is also a big fave. they’re abt to bathe in kama’s luxurious bathtub they had master buy for them and they’re removing their earrings and he silently leans forward and bites their ear and suddenly their face is red. god. huge dummy god of love. i love them soooo much its unreal

THEIR DYNAMIC IS BASICALLY.. I WONT SAY IM IN LOVE but still look at eachother like they’re newlyweds everytime they get intimate and (sheds a tear) i think theyre super married

GOOD GOD .......BODY WORSHIP IS SOMETHING THEYRE BOTH HEAVILY INTO ALSO. both giving and receiving, even if kama is a lot less obvious about it and a lot more smug.

oh, i think ash would be the loudest between the two !! THIS ONE WAS OBVIOUS. hearing him like that would also coax kama into making more noise as well so its win-win 

ok to be honest i think i should draw porn of them being soft like... THERES DETAILS I HAVE IN MIND THAT ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO WRITE DOWN IN THE HEADCANON FORMAT and i’m too nervous about writing fics (looks away) but i have things to draw.

ANYWAY I THINK THIS GOT VERY LONG ????????? SO IM GONNA STOP HERE. IF U MADE IT THIS FAR: THANK U FOR LISTENING TO MY BRAINWORM !!!! 

[mactuna]

๓ฯ hคlf ~ ¢hคຖi

My Half ~ SF9′s Chani x fem!reader insert

Words: 3.4K

Genre: fluff/angst?????

Warning: cursing and minor makeout scene (idk wth im doing)

“What’s wrong Chani?”

He just looked at the bride, a longing sorrow that was completely overwhelmed by anger in his dark eyes. 

“What’s wrong?! I’m just so sick of Rowoon!! He has everything! He has the money, the looks, the admirers, and now you! I have absolutely nothing! Basically, everything’s wrong!!!!” And all you could do was watch him sadly, barely able to keep the tears from leaking out of your eyes.

“And now, I pronounce you, Kim Rowoon and Kim Yerin, husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

Tearing up, you watched as your brother kissed the love of his life, who also happened to be one of your best friends. She was basically like your mom, so she fit right into your family. Looking behind the beaming couple, you saw Hwiyoung having the time of life just laughing at you. Frowning, you stuck your tongue out at him before mouthing,

Do you want to die?!

He immediately shook his head and went right on back to clapping and cheering for the new couple.

Hmph! That’s what I thought!

Following Rowoon and Yerin down the altar, you and Hwiyoung linked arms and skipped after them like little kids, giggling like no tomorrow. Despite the joy of the occasion, you could still hear the awful whispers. 

“Are they dating?? They’d look so cute together!”

“Pfft, as if! I wish she’d stop jumping from guy to guy like this... what a slut! Rowoon must hate having her as a sister. I know I would!”

Forcing the tears back into your eyes, you successfully (hopefully) fudged a huge smile on your face. It’s not your fault that your brother had so many friends that you just happen to get along with! But as soon as you all were out of the church and on our way to the park where the reception would take place, you felt a slight tug on my dress. Looking down, you saw the little 8-year-old with a piece of your dress tightly in his tiny fist. Smiling softly, you knelt down so that you had eye contact with him.

“Hi Seokhee, do you need something?”

“I just really want a hug, noona...”

Huh? This is coming from the kid who literally hates any kind of physical contact that doesn’t include some form of violence??? WHAT IS GOING ON?!!

“Of course, sweetie! Come here.”

Immediately after you opened your arms, Seokhee fell right into them, sniffling.

“Seokhee...? What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“I don’t know...! Hyung always seems so mad nowadays and I just want him to be him again~~~!!!!”

Your heart aching, you hugged him tightly and sent him off with Zuho’s little brother to the playground, before marching over to Chani, slapping the back of his neck.

“OW! What the hell Y/N?!!!”

“We need to talk right now, got it?!”

“Yes ma’am...”

Grabbing his wrist, you dragged him over to a tree that currently had no one around it.

“Ok, so what’s-?”

“What the hell do you think you’re doing Chani?!! Do you know what just happened to your little brother?!”

Immediately his eyes went wide and into full-on panic mode.

“WHAT?!! Why?!! Is he ok?! Is he alive?! What happened?!! Oh my-”

“JUST SHUT UP WILL YOU?!!! Seokhee literally just came to me crying, because of you! Do you know how sad he was?! Do you know why?! NO! He’s sad because you’re always so angry all the time! AND I AGREE!”

He turned right then, running his hands through his hair before screaming right back at you.

“How else am I supposed to feel?!! You know how I feel about Yerin!! Ugh, I’m so sick of everyone!”

Sighing, you just patted his shoulder awkwardly. What else could you do as the sister of the groom? But in anger, he just shook your hand off his shoulder before shoving you away.

“DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME Y/N!”

“I’M NOT! BUT GUESS WHAT?!! You’re being a total asshole, you’ve terrified your little brother, and today isn’t even supposed to be about you!! It’s my brother and best friend’s wedding day and I sure as hell am not going to let you ruin their happiness. I get that you’re depressed and shit because you’ve liked Yerin since forever, but save that for tomorrow! If you ever truly liked her, then you will be fucking happy for her!! She specifically asked you to do the brother-sister dance with her because she trusts you, dumbass! I tried to tell her, but she didn’t believe me! So don’t ruin today for her, GOT IT?!!”

Did you care that Chani was staring at you in shock? No. Did you care that your voice cracked like ten times in that whole rant? Not in the slightest. Did you have every right to be mad? Yes. Did your heart crack with every word of your argument? Yes. Why? Because you have had to watch the only guy you have ever had a crush on fall head-over-heels for someone that was totally OFF-LIMITS!

It took a couple seconds for Chani to recover from his obvious shock. He'd been best friends with you since forever and he knew that you were usually the one person who kept her calm and was usually the only cool-headed person in a shit situation. But when you were pissed? You were pissed as hell and you were going to go the fuck off on everyone. Nodding, he held out his pinky. "Okay. I promise to try to not ruin today for Yerin or Rowoon." You just stared at his pinky for a solid minute before finally linking yours with his. "And you know that I will kick your ass to hell if you don't?" He just smiled at you, rolling his eyes. "Of course!" And just like that, the problem was solved. Or so you thought.

It was finally time for the brother-sister dance. From your seat, you watched as Yerin took Chani's hand. Even if she and everyone else in the room missed it, the look of glee on Chani's face as soon as her hand touched his was as obvious as a neon yellow elephant. As depressing as it was for him, Chani was like a brother to Yerin and she had never had feelings for him. Not even once. Rowoon squeezed your shoulder from where he sat on your right. He was one of the two people who knew about your feelings for Chani and he and Hwiyoung had teased the hell out of you for it for the past two years. Yet you managed to shrug it off every time and eventually, it was forgotten by everyone but your own heart.

"Noona?"

Looking down, you saw little Seokhee with a flower in his hand.

"Yes sweetheart?"

"Can you dance with me, please??"

Laughing, you looked at Rowoon. You were supposed to do the dance with him, but who can resist a eight-year-old? After all, if you rejected him now, it could scar him for the rest of eternity.

"Of course sweetie! But you do know which dance this is right?"

The little boy just beamed at you cheekily.

"Yup! I really, really want you to be my real noona one day!"

Trying to ignore what that meant, I took the little boy out to the dance floor and we just jumped around like idiots. Who gives a damn about a waltz?!

What if he's serious? If he wants you to be his real big sister then he probably wants you to marry Chani!! Oh what the hell, he's only eight! Meaning he has no idea what he's talking about! Get your head out of the gutter Y/N!!

Shaking your head, you desperately tried to shake all of these stupid thoughts of your head. But-

"YAHHHHHHHH!!!"

Spinning around, you turned to see Yerin holding her leg tenderly while Chani stood over her.

"Noona, what-"

Quickly, you covered Seokhee's eyes and hid him behind your back. If he saw his brother like this, who knows what might happen??

"Chani, what-"

"ALL I'VE DONE IS WATCH THE TWO OF YOU!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS?!! THAT'S IT!!"

And he took off running, hair an absolutely atrocious mess. Hwiyoung ran up to you, hair all messy and lipstick kisses covering his face.

"Y/N!! What happened?! Is Yerin ok?! What the hell just happened?!!"

Trying not to gag at his alcohol-reeked breath, you shoved Seokhee into his arms before trying to talk Rowoon out of killing Chani for spraining his wife's ankle.

"YAH KIM ROWOON! Sit your ass THE FUCK down and take care of your wife, dammit!!"

You didn't even care that the whole ballroom was looking at you. You just knew that you had to find your shithead for a best friend before he did something even worse. Running out, you chucked off your heels to the side and took the stairs, all while pulling your hair out of the way into some sort of messy bun.

"KIM CHANI WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!!! BECAUSE YOUR ASS IS SO FUCKING DEAD!!!”

By the time you made it to the final flight, you were dead tired, your voice was practically gone, your feet were aching, and you still hadn't found him. But what you saw next literally made your heart stop.

"CHANI!! DO NOT MOVE!!"

Your heartbroken best friend stood right on the edge of the roof, looking out into the night sky.

"Look at that Y/N, the stars are waiting for me to join them."

You had no idea what the hell you were going to do and you wanted to sock him in the face but you really couldn't. As much as you really wanted to kick his ass off the roof, this was someone's life. And it wasn't just any someone. It was the boy who you’d liked for two years.

"Chani? Talk to me. What's going on?"

He laughed, turning around to look at you, looking as happy as ever. But his eyes? They betrayed him with the most heartbroken gaze imaginable.

"What's there to talk about, Y/N? You don't understand how I feel at all! How much it hurts to know that the girl you love is head over heels for your best friend! Who else is out there to like a guy like me? Who do I have to live for?"

"ME! CHANI! WHAT ABOUT ME?!! Just step away from the edge, please!!”

Your voice literally sounded like a dying whale, but you didn't care at all. Tears streamed down your face as you inched closer to him.

"You don't understand Y/N!"

"YES I DO YOU SHITHEAD!"

Your voice was so ragged, you had no idea if he could even hear you above the wind. But you had to try, you just had to.

"Don't lie to me, Y/N."

"I'm not lying, you asshole! You say that I have no idea how much it hurts to know that the guy you like loves someone else. But did you ever ask me?!!! NO! Do you know how much it hurt to hear you go on and on about Yerin?!! About how pretty she is?! How talented she is?! How kind she is?! How smart she is?!! How perfect she is?! Do you know how much I wanted to hear you say those things, about me?!! NO! BECAUSE YOU NEVER STOPPED TO WONDER HOW I FELT!! Do you know how much it fucking hurts to watch the guy you like want to commit suicide over the girl he likes that isn't you! OBVIOUSLY NOT!"

Wiping away your tears furiously, you walked closer to him, watching his eyes go blank, dead even, as you came closer. And you slapped him as hard as you could. Not your usual playful slaps. Not your 'you dumbass' slap. But a slap filled with hurt and anger.

"You know what, Chani?!! If you really want to die? FINE! Just know that if you die right now, you're leaving behind a girl and an entire family who cares about you for you who you are. And that girl is not me but the girl who you hurt on her goddamn wedding day!"

Turning on your heel, you tried to ignore the blood gushing from the heels of your feet, the sweat that basically dripped off of you, and the tears that streamed down your face, blurring your vision.

Chani watched your retreating figure limp towards the door, tears in his eyes.

"Chani, look! I got 96% on my statistics project!!"

"Wow, you're soo smart Yerin! Congratulations!"

"Why, thank you!"

And then you came running down the hallway and basically tackled him in a bear hug.

"CHANI I GOT 100% ON MY GODDAMN STATS PAPER!!"

"YES Y/N! YOU GO GIRL!"

"Why the hell am I friends with you? XD"

"Wow, Yerin's such a good singer!"

"Pfft, Y/N could literally kick her ass if it was singing competition!"

"Chani, why do you always defend Y/N but you have a hugeass crush on Yerin?"

"Because she's my best friend and she comes first."

"Dude, are you sure you like Yerin?"

"There is no way in hell I'm wearing that! I look like a pig in dresses like that! Give it to Yerin!"

"But I picked it out for you..."

"Chani that face does not work on me."

"Ok, but seriously! Stop downgrading your beautiful self and strut your stuff because you know that you're the baddest bitch out there!"

"Ugh, why does Rowoon get everything?!! I just want him to lose to me for once!!"

"It's not the worst thing in the world to place second you know..."

"But it's always to him! I just want to beat him at something for once! I know! I'll make Yerin fall for me instead of him! That's perfect revenge."

"That's the shittiest idea I've ever heard."

"But it's my shitty idea so too bad."

You had always been the one. The prettier one. The smarter one. The more talented one. The one that had always been there to cry on, lean on, and tell shit ideas to. That's when it hit him. He'd only liked Yerin to rub it in Rowoon's face that the girl he liked had fallen for him instead. And his thirst for revenge had completely blinded him to the girl that had been waiting for him.

"Chani, you're friends with Y/N right? Do you think you could introduce me to her?"

"Why? What do you want from her?"

The other guys in the locker room joined in, lost in their own disgusting fantasies.

"Dude, she's innocent right?"

"If I was the first one to touch her-"

"Just think about it! She'd just follow because she doesn't-"

"She's totally clueless and-"

"WOULD YOU ALL JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP?!! SHE DESERVES TO BE RESPECTED AND I'LL NEVER INTRODUCE ANY OF YOU TO HER!"

"Oh really, lover boy? What are you going to do about it?"

And that's how Chani ended up never leaving your side since college started.

You had finally reached the 13th floor on your way down, but your foot was absolutely killing you and you had 12 more to go. Opening the floor's corresponding door, you saw the waiting room of an office?

Hell yeah!

You already knew that Chani wouldn't jump. Why? Because if you made him feel guilty, he would apologize first before doing anything else.That was just the kind of person he is. But before you could take a single step, you were swooped up into the arms of Chani.

"You're such a klutz, Y/N."

"What the- PUT ME DOWN!"

You screamed, smacking his chest while yelling curses at him.

"I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU AND-"

But you were cut off by Chani pressing his lips to yours, effectively cutting you off as you were shoved against the wall, legs wrapped around his waist. His lips were soft, yet they managed to surround yours in a single second. He was everywhere, moving slowly yet efficiently, teeth nipping at your lower lip, breath tangling into a knot of anger, hurt, and... love? Despite his lips leaving a burning trail on your neck, you shoved him away by his shoulders, giving you space to just breathe.

"What the hell Chani?!! You cannot just kiss me out of the blue like that!"

"Can I if I ask you to be my girlfriend?"

What the hell?!!

"NO! I don't want your pity! I don't want you to do whatever the hell you're doing just because I said that I like you!"

"And who said I didn't?"

You just stared at him, shock written all over your face.

"How stupid can you get?!! You can't be madly in love with someone and just jump to someone else within minutes!!"

"I never loved her, Y/N! It was always you! Every time I described her, I was describing you! This whole time, it was all fake! I just wanted to take something from Rowoon for once, beat him at his own game. And I was so blinded by that anger for revenge, that I completely missed my perfect girl, you."

You couldn't say a word as he stared at you, his eyes boring into yours. He knew how you felt and you knew how he felt, but why were you waiting? You couldn't accept it just like that! So you did what Kim Y/N would do and punched him in the shoulder as hard as you could, shoving him away from you and letting you stand on your own two wobbly feet.

"YOU ASSHOLE! I can't just brush away how hurt I've been just like that! AND YOU ALMOST KILLED YOURSELF OVER HER AND YOU EXPECT ME TO JUST SAY OK?!! NO CHANI! That's not how it works!!"

He sighed, frustrated at how stupid he'd been. If he hadn't been so stupid, you'd be smiling and laughing, Yerin wouldn't be hurt, Rowoon wouldn't hate him, and little Seokhee wouldn't be so sad anymore...

"Then let me prove it to you, I just need two minutes. You can have as much time to think as you want and we can go slow as a snail through mud, but after two minutes."

He watched your face as you pondered the offer. You knew you wanted to kiss him, but was it really that smart?

"Please Y/N, just two minutes."

Oh well, it's just two minutes, right? Nothing that bad can happen in two minutes. It wouldn't change anything.

"...can we set a timer?"

You didn't even have a second to breathe as you were thrown onto the couch of the office's waiting room, before his lips crashed onto yours.

"Chani-"

"Shh, don't speak..."

His voice was low and rough as he whispered in your ear, body lowering down to rest between your legs. He knew exactly how delicate you were, despite your tough act. Again, his lips surrounded yours, teeth nipping your lips ever so gently. Any sense of time or conscious thought vanished as his presence overwhelmed you.

You were completely helpless against him. You were totally out of your element, this being the second kiss of your entire life. All you could do was respond as best you could, gently biting his lips and leaving a trail of butterfly kisses down his neck as his lips left bruising marks littered across your collarbone. 

But what felt like a few seconds, was over when he forced himself to rip away from you, trying to catch his breath as he looked at you looking like a hot, beautiful mess on the couch under him.

“Listen darling, I know I look great but you don’t have to stare at me so openly! It makes me feel self-conscious...”

And that’s all it took for you to shove him away and march towards the stairs, limping and bleeding. Sighing, Chani gathered you up in his arms, despite all your cursing and complaining.

“Look, you can be all ‘I’m a strong, independent woman’ after I get your injured, clumsy ass down the stairs, ok? Feel free to look like you caught the bad guy, because guess what, darling?”

He leaned in closer to your ear, and you could feel his hot breath against your ear. It was just air, but it absolutely burned.

“I found the other half to my broken heart. And she’s the only half I’ll ever need.”

A/N: ok so... AHHHHH OMG its OVER!! kinda sorta super embarrassing to write but at the same time, who tf cares?? and this was kinda based off of the wedding scene from brigadoon, which has an amazing soundtrack btw:)

[greyknm]

Eleutheromania (pt.2)

Pirate au

Hoseok/J-hope fanfic

Consists of harsh language, name calling, being taken advantage of…basically angst, small smut, admiration, fluff(?)

Eleutheromania (noun) a great desire for or obsession with freedom.

“Why not!” The idiot yelled at you holding you over the edge of the ship. It’s late night and they’re back at it again with threatening you by saying they’ll throw you off no hesitation. “You sleep with that Hoseok guy every night!” He continues to yell. Tipping you further over the edge. You have tears in your eyes trying to grab his shirt to come back up. You beg and beg to be forgiven but he doesn’t hear you at least he doesn’t want to. The cheer of ‘let her drown’ and 'give 'er what she deserves.’ “ Please! Let me back up! I’ll do anything! Just please!” You cry out. “You won’t do anything.” The men stop to look behind them. Hoseok, tired eyed and annoyed. The man loosens his grip making it easy for you to escape. You run to Hoseok’s arms. Like it’s normal he wraps an arm around you. “What makes you have her all the time and we don’t.” He strokes his hand to your ass. Go along with it, he whispers to you. He squeezes your ass that makes you inhale sharply at the sudden move. “Must be doing something right, right boys?” The men get riled up. “Boy! Whatch it! I-” The captain walks out. “Go back to work or sleep! Jun no fucking fights! Now go!” You get out of Hoseok’s grip and head to his room. It takes him a while to come back but you’re already in tears. He comes in to hear soft sobs. He walks towards you and pulls your hands down and holds them. You look at him with teary eyes, slope down to the floor and cry in his lap. He rubs your head gently and you stay like that for a while.

The next couple of days you stay in the room unbothered. It was nothing new you did it often. But then you were always bothered the men barging in your room for one reason only. “You’ve been in here for a whole week and some.” You stay still under the covers with puffy eyes. “Once upon of time, this was my room. Just never used it.” Hoseok walks to the other side of the bed and examines you. He pushes the hair out your face. “You haven’t eaten either. Don’t starve yourself.” You look up at him and sees his face. “Hoseok! You’re bruised! What happened!” You sit up and grab his face. “It’s nothing just got into a little fight.” He pulls your hands off his face and gets up to walk away. You notice him limping. “Hoseok!” You get up and push him on the bed. You sit on top of him and strip him down to see any more injuries. “Hoseok there are knife cuts on your chest and they’re not old, so don’t say that. What exactly happened?” He sighs. “Well, remember that I said I liked you. The men were talking down about you and it made my blood rise. Long story short that’s why I took a while coming back that night. We got into a fight and they didn’t play fair. I’m fine. What you need to be worried about is you. Go eat.” You stare at him. “Stay put. Please.” You leave him and return back with supplies. He’s sitting up shirt still open. You tell him to lay down and you clean him up. He moans in pain. 'stop moving it’ll make it worse’ you tell him 'nghh stop!’ 'stop being a baby and take it like a man’. The men could hear you guys behind the door. “What the hell is doing to her and keeping her in there. To have her for himself?”

They burst into the room. You’re on the side of Hoseok touching his scars. “What’s going on here. Do we have to teach your ass a lesson again.” Hoseok gets up and walks to the 3 men. “Oh, so now you guys care about her when she’s not pleasing you.” The men growl. “You keep her when she needs to do her job for your pleasing.” Hoseok scoffs. “Im going to stop the act. I’ve never touched a part of her excepts the night where I grabbed her ass. I’ve never done anything sexual to her. She sleeps with me because she feels better with me, sorry to break it to you. I actually speak and listen to her and treat her like a humam being. Something you guys should pick up from.” The man goes to punch Hoseok but he easily avoids it. Before anything gets out of hand you yell to stop. “STOOOP! stop! Stop. You know what he said is true I haven’t touched him in anyway so stop hurting each other for something so stupid.” They look at you in shock as if you didn’t have a voice. “Better yet I’ll get out your hair. I can do something helpful for once.” You walk out the room and not speak to anyone for the rest of the trip.

You walk off the ship and you get pulled by Hoseok. He grabs your hand and drags you to his room at the inn. He pushes you down on the bed and holds your arms. “Stay.” He demands you in a stern low voice. He walks out the room. You stay on the bed lying there not caring anymore. He comes back with food. “Eat.” The scent of the food comes to you, making you hungry but you still don’t want to eat. “C'mon you haven’t eaten for more than 2 weeks. You have to eat something. Feed yourself or I will force feed you.” You get up and look at him then zone back out. “Alright then, force feed it is.” You guys fight back in forth just for you to eat. You finish the food unpleasantly. He leaves to get bath water, he then comes back and drags you to the bath. “Now. Do I have to bathe you or will you do it?” You stay silent. He sighs. “I seriously didn’t want to do this.” He strips you down until your body is exposed and he puts you in the tub. Softly he cleans you with the soapy clothe. Covering almost all your curves, he was hesitant about your breast, ass and vagina. He soon still had to go over them so he took a deep breath and calmed himself. When it was time for your vagina he carefully brushed it sending you little tingles. He keeps at it and goes a little harder making you stop his hand. “I think I’m clean now” you softly tell him, holding his hand touching you. “Yes, of course sorry. In the wardrobe there was a dress I’m going to go get it and see if you can fit it.” He returns with the dress and puts you in it. You watch him, watch you and slowly take in your body. He snaps out of it and continues getting you dressed. “Argh, it’s too fitting. I don’t like it” Hoseok looks at how your body fits the dress a little too well. “It’s fine. I’m just going to go visit my mother today and come back.” He raises an eyebrow and settles it down. “Still don’t like it, but ok.” With that you head out.

You walk up the hill and sit down in front of your mother’s grave. “Hey mom. I’ve finally come back to talk with you. I don’t think I can do this anymore. Stay here I mean. You’re probably not resting in peace hearing the things they say about me in town. You have to understand that what I do it will only be for a short time. I’ll be leaving soon. I’ll make sure to visit you. I’ll be leaving with Hiseok. He’s a man I met at the bar and he’s different. He’s wanted nothing from me and we became friends. He’s helped me on the ship. I stay with him here on land. I feel like I can do things now and be happy. Step one is to get away from here. I’ve been depressed for too long. Hoseok’s helped me today. I haven’t eaten nor washed in over a week. He made me eat and washed me. I trust him that’s why I’ll go with him. I’ll come back and tell you good bye. I’m so sorry I have to leave you.” You hold all your tears in and muster out good bye and I love you. You arrive back at the room in stand in the doorway. Hoseok slides out of bed and goes to hug you. “What happened? What did she say?” You sniffle. “I wish she could say something back.” His chest going up and down calms you. “Huh?” You raise your head up. “She died. I talk as if she was still living because it makes me feel at ease. I feel like she follows me when I need someone with me. Maybe that’s why I haven’t visited her often. I don’t feel the need of her anymore.” He just listens the room falls silent. Only breathing can be heard and little hiccups of you letting the last of your cries out.

You lay on top of him, just wanting to be held. He doesn’t mind. “Hoseok?” He hums. “Why do you stay?” He takes a deep breath. “If you mean stay with you. It’s because I like you. You’re different. I mean meeting you at a bar when you’re in stress wouldn’t be the best way of meeting someone but I got to know you. I like you’re confidence.” You readjust your head. “Confidence?” He hums in agreement. “You obviously have it. Not being conscious about your body. You weren’t shy when it came to undressing you and bathing you. Also, what you do you have to have confidence. I like it.” You smile at that. “What?” You look up at him.“I don’t get sincere complements.” He raises a brow. “Really? Should I compliment you more?” You smile. “I’ll take that as a yes. From now on I’ll compliment you everyday.” You bury your face in his chest in shyness. He flips you over so he’s now on top of you. Your cheeks get hot. “Hoseok-ah I like you too.” He smiles. “Do you like me enough to do this?” He kisses your forehead. You giggle. “Or this…and this…how about this?” He kisses both your cheeks and then starts tickling you. Laughter fills the room. “You’re so fucking precious when you smile.” You lift your head up and kiss his lips and wrap your arms around his neck to pull him down. He kisses back and it’s heaven. A kiss that’s filled with love and you don’t want it to stop.

The next morning you wake up in Hoseok’s arms u dressed. “Morning, beautiful.” His husky voice makes you tingle. “Why am I undressed?” He kisses you. “Let’s just say that we wanted more than the kiss.” Your cheeks rush with blood. “You’re pretty loud too.” You looked surprised. “I’m usually not..” He rubs your back. “I guess I bring out the best of you.” You hit his chest and curl into a ball. “Hobi!” He raises a brow. “You remember the nickname but not the sex. Guess we’ll have to do it over.” You squeal. “You’re adorable. Tomorrow my ship comes. You’re coming with me?” You come out from hiding and nod. “Good. I was scared I would be alone. You want to do anything before you go?” You sit up. “I’ll say my goodbyes to my mom.” He hums.

You walk up the hill and sit in front of your mom. “Mom. Tomorrow I’ll be leaving for a better place. A new start. Now you can finally rest in peace. Thank you for being with me through these hard times I put on myself but now it’s time to go. I love you. I’ll make sure to visit. Good bye.” With that you head off with a smile. Back at the inn, you’re packing up. Hoseok already had his things packed up since he came. He never really took anything out. He comes behind you and gives you a back hug while kissimg your neck. You smile. “Almost done.” You tell him. “So are you ready to get away from here.” You turn in his arms and look at him with a serious face. “Most definitely.” You turn around and finish packing the last of what you have. You were excited the whole day ready to leave. Hoseok laughs at your excitement every now amd again.

The ship arrives at the docks. You look at it with uncertainty, wondering if you really want to leave. You realise what this place has done for you letting you take more steps foward. Closer and closer you get to the ship. You smile at Hoseok knowing that he’s now the sunshine in your life that’ll guide you and make you smile. Your hope. “Ready?” He smiles at you. “Never been more ready!” With that you’re off dreaming about the better life you’ll have. “Your freedom is finally here.” Hoseok kisses your forehead. You smile and hug him tight. “Thank you.”

[thisisasupergoodidea]

alright, this took forever because i kept getting sidetracked, but here it is. the universe ive slowly been building up. it took so long to write. its so ridiculously lengthy. i almost want to apologize to you if you read it oh my god 
the main story in this universe is project four, in which four people meet Death and tag along on its quest to convince a space wyrm not to eat the world. the death figure, kymoyef, evades capture for nearly 1000 years following the event that takes place in the four cities, observing people and steadily learning about the world as it stores energy for the big confrontation. as an energy being in the form of an object, kymoyef struggles with applying the concept of personhood to itself, but the four people who insert themselves into its business help it understand who it wants to be
kymoyef’s companions love to ask questions and tell stories, one of which is an old folk tale about morality that they know as the four cities. in it, a godlike character asks kymoyef to visit four corrupt cities and raze them to the ground should their corruption be confirmed, so that the seeds of new civilization can be sown in their place. kymoyef goes to the first three places and, finding vanity, enmity, and apathy, destroys them without question. but upon reaching the fourth city and encountering suffering and hopelessness, kymoyef begins to question whether any of these people truly deserved erasure. it refuses to complete its task and instead goes into hiding to plot against the godlike character. kymoyef reveals that this tale is (generally) true 
then i began fussing over details and ended up developing a plot within Sorrowstone, the city of suffering and hopelessness, where i show up close just how depressing it is through the perspective of a newcomer named rin. he joins the camp (which has no name historically since no one remembers it really existed) to escape his past and soon realizes that his stay would be permanent. the endless labor, the bleak and isolated environment, the meager food and supplies, the rampant depression of every other person in the camp - all of this combined prevented anyone from being of sound mind enough to leave. rin sees one death and promptly decides he has a duty to write down everything he observed, whether anyone would ever see it or not. that is the sorrowstone account 
ok. back to the top. one of the four protagonists, caforleh, absolutely loves hearing stories and using them as inspiration for his own grand tales. i really wanted to feel justified in brainstorming for a completely separate project that had nothing to do with project four, so i clapped my hands together and declared that caforleh occasionally works on a piece of fiction that is my project inheritance, in which generation after generation of a particular lineage of siblings are all cursed to the same fate. in their lives, only and always two children will be born, quite often twins, and one will die by the actions of the other at some point. the most recent siblings are separated at a very young age after the murder of their mother, but years later one dies all too suddenly and the adults involved are sent into a panic trying to hide it from the other sibling. magic shit happens and basically you have the dead ones consciousness in the body of their sibling, not realizing theyre dead yet technically alive again, and the living ones consciousness is bound to a piece of paper in a wizard’s pocket. and everyone’s trying to run away from a cult faction that wants their leader back, but surprise, the living sibling was their leader. its a convoluted mess 
in the background of this mess i found a nice little home for the magic pendant, a story that is literally just my 11th grade spanish project. a guy has a cool magic pendant. some magic dude steals it. the guy and his friend get a magic knife from a magic squirrel and kick magic dudes ass. so magical. i took that and pumped in extra details that made me happy, and now its officially enough of a story to be included 
once more to the top. within the world of project four, one of the regions is plagued by a deep rift that scarred the land when scientist daiah’s experiment went horribly wrong. it swallowed several cities and poisoned the people and land around it. the survivors call that area daiah’s shame and send excommunicated criminals there to die as punishment. what they have yet to discover is that the rift is truthfully a tear upon their plane of existence, acting as an opening into an adjacent plane where pure energy resides. the land and people lost in the experiment fell into this other plane perfectly intact, but being that the two planes were never meant to interact in this way, were shortly infected with unknowable ailments. people slowly lost their sanity, their agency, anything that made them who they were. they either became husks or sought violence to distract themselves from their own pain. and the only freedom was to be killed, for time affected nothing in this plane. no one could grow old. the sky never moved. plants absorbed strange air and gnarled into bloated bastardizations 
this is the reality that the protagonists of project dark souls ripoff fell into. wayrain had been traveling with a known criminal through daiah’s shame in the hopes of reaching a region beyond it, and his friend cadmor was secretly a member of law enforcement tasked with making sure the criminal died there. when this was revealed, the three fought and all of them stumbled into the rift to be spat out in the desolate climate of the lost region. i was heavily inspired by dark souls in creating all of this, so honestly just imagine the opening scene of whichever dark souls game and you’ve got the idea of it. wayrain and cadmor have to navigate this sickly area that theyve hardly even heard stories of while also dealing with dangerous people, feeling betrayed by one another, and creeping afflictions. much like rin and caforleh, wayrain takes to learning as much as he possibly can about the surroundings and compiling it all into journals. he travels ceaselessly and does his best to uncover every last mystery, from lost libraries to unmarked graves. cadmor battles his imitation morality as he eases into another role of leadership. the two will clash several times but ultimately reconcile before kymoyef shows up to assess the condition of the rift 
and project fire girl is kinda out of place because it feels entirely standalone, but its actually the origin of most of this stuff, so im hoping i can find a way to squeeze it in somehow. its about a person who wakes up in a fire with no knowledge of how she got there and wanders around aimlessly dealing with the destructive repercussions of her mysterious fire powers, which she can barely control. i know. its sort of like frozen but with fire. but hey spoiler alert: she’s actually a wizard scientist (you can tell i really like my wizards and scientists) that, alongside her cousin, did awful experiments on people in the name of magic science, imbuing them with different forms of magic just to see what happens. and she gave herself fire powers because why the hell not. but the internal flame was so painful that the trauma of it elicited amnesia. she regains these memories in time by meeting the people plagued by the consequences of her actions. not knowing shes the one that did this to them, they work together with her and carry out a plan to expose the other wizard scientist. in the final confrontation, she admits that she regrets what shes done even if the academic community learned a lot from it, and allows herself to be imprisoned 
yeah. like i said, project fire girl was the first narrative in this universe, which came from a dream where she was taken in by an old couple and their adopted daughter and awoke in a bed of bright petals, only to realize that she accidentally set the house on fire in her sleep, killing the whole family. the imagery was so vivid that it stuck with me. project four originated from one of my old minecraft worlds that i unfortunately deleted by mistake and then tried to rebuild. but i couldnt remember what the old build was called so i called it arenos, and that became the first region. once i decided that fire girl was gonna be set in some mountains and that those mountains bordered arenos, i was officially on my way to creating what is now this world. and then more detail happened and kymoyef happened and the concept of the four cities being parallels to the four regions in the world sounded neat but i got carried away and wanted to try to recreate the four cities in minecraft, and only did sorrowstone, so i started to think of what depressing shit went on in that place and wrote a little bit about it 
the dark souls ripoff is, of course, a blatant ripoff of dark souls, but its also a combination of A) another neat dream i had that was just two people traveling on horseback through cold morning fog and being ambushed - one was killed and the other crawled to a nearby basement and hid for an eternity, until the landscape had entirely changed hundreds of years later - and B) a totally separate dream where two people were traveling on horseback through cold evening fog, trying to reach some uncertain destination after having to leave their entire lives behind because they were magic. i was like “i’ve just added two more regions to my world. what if this region has a big rift in it - oh, what if this person hid through the rift incident that sent them to an alternate plane - no wait, what if these other characters were traveling through the rift area and fell in?” 
project inheritance was first called dark souls ripoff 2 because it deals with souls being portable and consumable and the two siblings have to deal with increasing insatiability for souls to keep themselves alive after having their consciousnesses ripped from their bodies. but this story was originally gonna be a text adventure game with like seven hundred endings (im exaggerating a little) testing your ability to forgive and manage your bloodlust. i know. its like a bootleg undertale. i cant have an original thought even if that thought happened two years before the popular thing happened 
thats about it i guess. thats the beginners guide to my utterly incomplete creative endeavors. i have some other ideas that would be neat to pursue but they dont belong in this particular universe as of right now. i might find a way to make them fit. i might not

[animorphs-liveblog]

this one goes out to the cool dude who requested i review book 2 as a whole *finger guns*

it was fucking phenomenal.

like. ok. you probs want more detail than that, but,

ok. jesus. where to even start. so, admittedly, it lost me a lil in the beginning. i mean, i understand!! it’s for children, and it’s written with the assumption that maybe you dont have access to the first book(which is great!! because children often DONT have control over which books they can access, so allowing them to benefit from your series with some VERY brief and honestly decently-crafted exposition is awesome, and framing it as each character telling their version and understanding of events is BRILLIANT to working towards characterizing everyone, and also making the same information palatable to repeat-audience, and also informing you of who knows what! so if they keep this format, as things go on and secrets are inevitably kept, it’ll become VERY interesting seeing the same situations from different perspectives, from people who hold entirely different puzzle pieces! so it’s all good!!!) but holy jesus mother of CHRIST ALMIGHTY does the recap fucking MURDER me each and every time!!! my adhd ass cannot Handle it and i start to skim because im a big weenie baby

but i can acknowledge that it is completely functionally sound, is solidly crafted, and lends itself well to a unique and interesting writing style. it isn’t badly made or poorly constructed in any sense, it’s just a Thing that happens not to click exceedingly well with my personal reading style

i really, really loved how much the book expanded on like… like what its like to be morphed. as in, mentally, that you have multiple consciousnesses(theres a fuckin scrabble word for ya lmao) that are not only vying for dominance, but also have murky boundaries. the cat and rachel are distinct, but when she morphs she becomes the cat AND rachel. almost like two bodies of water sitting next to each other have suddenly been merged, and the water can flow back and forth seemlessly, and it’s very hard to tell sometimes where one begins and the other ends, but they are inherently distinct(in a way)

or maybe even- like two ponds next to each other, and theres a small hole in the wall separating them. but the longer you stay like that, the more you force water through the crack in an effort to get control, the more you WIDEN THE HOLE, which eventually results in a melding that can’t be undone; i.e. tobias. his “pond” and the bird’s “pond” have mixed so thoroughly you could never hope to separate their consciousness. you can put droplets of blue and yellow food coloring in a glass, and MAYBE you could very carefully scoop them back out, but if you slowly stir it, the water will turn green and there’s no turning back

i also like the way animals and their emotions are represented… sort of. this happens more in book three, but like, occasionally there’ll be some statement about how animals just “dont have those feelings[mourning, grief, missing someone, intense sadness]” and i… ok, these books were written a while ago, and these are CHILDREN who might not have a strong enough grasp on their own feelings to entirely understand the animal’s feelings and how they’re different!! but we KNOW animals mourn. many species bury their dead. koko the gorilla spiraled into a depression when her baby died, and got better once she was told she was getting another baby… but then what she got WASNT HER ORIGINAL BABY, and she got angry, she wouldnt accept it, BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT THAT SOMEHOW WE HAD BROUGHT HER BABY BACK AND FIXED IT, AND SHE WOULD GET /HER/ BABY BACK(im going to cry btw?? im Big Baby and im going to cry?????) and i just… i know thats a fairly obvious case of a Smart Animal but i just refuse to believe that animals cant mourn. maybe they mourn differently, maybe it would feel different, i’ll accept that, and i’ll even accept “this specific species cannot feel xyz”, but i just refuse to accept “animals dont mourn” because you are telling me a Lie right to my Face

OK WELL IVE DONE ENOUGH TALKING AROUND THE ISSUE. TIME TO GET INTO THE ACTUAL MEAT OF THE STORY

SO. IT WAS INCREDIBLY FUCKING POWERFUL. like, it did everything it needed to and more to win my heart and convince me of just how high a caliber applegate was/is writing at. i mean, just… the nuance of the morality of the yeerks, the incredible lengths the chapmans go to to protect their daughter, how deeply melissa’s pain was and how brilliantly it was portrayed, the way rachel deftly comforted her friend in the only way that could truly keep her safe AND save her from her suffering even if only in the smallest of ways, the deeply scared and flawed and NOBEL rachel who knows what she must do and doesnt care how scared it makes her because she can do this. it isnt much but she can die silently, this is something she can do, she can die with the biggest FUCK YOU burning in her heart as she forces her mouth and her brain into complete silence, she is ready, good lord she will go down fighting even if it looks like silence because her defeat is the possibility of victory, because she knows this, because of melissa and her parents and rachel’s parents and because of tobias and jake’s brother and every single person who had to suffer through the feeling of their llved one slipping away and they dont know why this is happening, and because FUCK. VISSER. THREE.

the only POSSIBLE complaint i can truly lobby against the book is that i believe in rachel’s note to melissa, she says “your FATHER loves you”, which is true!! and it makes sense to highlight just how incredible it was that he was able to stand up to v3 just because of how much he loved her… but the mother fought back as well. she was weaker, but that doesnt make her fighting any less impressive because SHE TRIED TO CHOKE HERSELF TO DEATH

MELISSA’S MOTHER TRIED TO KILL HERSELF BEFORE SHE ALLOWED THE MONSTER CONTROLLING HER BODY EVEN A CHANCE TO HURT HER DAUGHTER

melissa’s mother fought against the yeerk in her brain and wrapped her own fingers around her own goddamn neck and squeezed with the intention of DYING. she loves her daughter so much she was ready to die, and he loves his daughter so much he’s prepared to LIVE- live through hell, live through being a traitor to humanity, ready to live in a box in the back of his own mind. they both love her more than words could ever even hope to express

ok well i’m done for now because i made myself cry and now my nose is all runny and gross??? so. yeah. i’ll add more thoughts if/when they come to me

[neewtmas]

{#16} cutting // newt

fandom: the maze runner

pairing: newt x reader

word count: 1,7k words

[WARNING: cutting and selfharm, mentions of depression and blood, do NOT read if this could trigger you in any way!]

a/n: please don’t hurt yourself, you’re all precious and important,and there ar other ways! If anyone needs to talk, i’m here and so many others too! Stay safe♡♡ (also, i never cut myself and i was never depressive, so i don’t know how it feels like and only wrote down what i think it could be like, if anyone is offended by this, please let me know and i'll try to change it!)

request: @maliajacsons

summary: y/n is always happy and smiling, the sunshine of the glade. but she is secretly cutting herself and one day newt discovers her scars, leading to him confessing his love to her.

masterlist

“- and then he tried to get the bucket off his head but it didn’t worked and he stumbled into the kitchen and scared Frypan to death, he literally jumped and screamed like- like a little girl!” 

You could barely understand what Thomas tried to tell us because he was laughing so hard that he almost fell of the bench he was sitting on. The rest of the guys also laughed, except for maybe Frypan and Chuck, who both seemed slightly embarrassed. Newt, who sat next to me, stopped laughing abruptly and asked with a hint of concern in his voice: “You alright, Y/N? Why you’re not laughing, this story is bloody hilarious!” 

And again he started snickering like a little kid. “I’m ok, just tired.” I forced a smile on my face, what felt more like a grimace, but he seemed to buy it. “Of course she’s ok, right Y/N? Always laughing and smiling, i wish i had the same optimism”, Minho said, winking. 

My smile faltered. If they would only know… “I try my best…but i’m going to sleep, good night” With that i quickly stood up and walked to my room.

I closed the door and walked over to the bed, slowly laying down. I stared at the ceiling with a blank expression. I felt…empty. Shoving up the sleeve of me hoodie, i let my gaze wander over my wrist and my forearm, following the scars softly with my fingertips. 

I felt weak, so weak for laying here and looking at my scars. It’s been 4 months now since i arrived through the box, and every day was worse than the day before.

I had started cutting myself two months ago. At this day i had felt worse than ever before, and it was the only thing i could think of that would make me feel better. 

Since i had no razor blades, i stole a sharp knife from the bloodhouse and hid in my room with it. I remembered exactly how i had felt when i placed the knife on my wrist for the first time. I didn’t felt weak anymore. I felt powerful. 

To know that i could do anything now, that i could punish myself for being so weak and pathetic gave me new strength. When i pressed the sharp blade down on the soft flesh of my wrist i was surprised of how easy it was, and i had dropped the knife, shocked of myself. 

But the sharp pain that shot through my arm made me feel…better. So i did it again, every day. No one ever noticed something, therefore no one could stop me.

I sat up and grabbed under the thin mattress and pulled ou the knife i had hid there. I looked down on the blade and then on my forearm, covered in scars. 

“I deserve this. I’m weak and pathetic” i thought and pressed the knife on a my wrist. There was a sharp pain where the knife cut my skin and i watched the red blood trickling down my arm. I made another cut and watched the blood, then a third one. 

The other gladers weren’t weak like me. They were strong, they gave each other hope,hope that one day, we’ll find a way out of this hell. They worked together, supporting each other, and unlike me, they didn’t pretended to be perfectly happy the whole day, and then sitting there in the evening, cutting themselves.

I hadn’t realized i had started sobbing until some salty tears fell on the fresh cuts and made me flinch in pain. Not even trying to hold back the tears i started crying heavily, until my whole body shook in crying fits and my hands were shaking so badly i couldn’t hold the knife anymore. 

I dropped it, squeezed my eyes shut and curled up into a ball, just wishing i could wake up from this nightmare. That’s how i fell asleep, with a tearstained face and blood covered arm pressed up to my chest.

The next morning i woke up with a hurting arm. I forced myself out of my bed and changed from the hoodie full of dried blood into a new one. The cuts had already started healing and i pulled the sleeve of my hoodie down to my hands, careful not to scrach them open again. 

I walked over to the bathroom, and at the door i met Newt. “Good morning, Newt”, i said cheerfully and cringed internally on how fake this sounded. “Morning, Y/N”, he beamed and this genuine happiness, just because we had met, made me smile. A real smile. Newt was the only one who was at least sometimes able to make me smile like that, and this had made me developing a little crush on him. 

But the smile faded when i was alone in the bathroom and puleld my sleeve up and saw all the scars, the newer, not fully healed cuts, and the dried blood from yesterday evening. I’m so pathetic. 

I turned up the cold water and hold my arm under it. It washed away all the blood and left my scarred forearm clean. I pulled down the sleeves again and put on a smile before i left the bathroom and made my way over to the homestead.

After eating,i walked over to the fields,together with Newt. We started working in comfortable silence, until Newt broke it. “Could you help me?” I looked up  and saw him standing there holding a vine at the lattice right above his head. 

“Just hold this please while i search for some new rope because if i let it go now i have to to the whole bloody thing again.” I nodded, stepped over to him and raised my arms to hold the vine. 

Since he was taller than me, i had to stand in tiptoes to reach it. I waited for him to move and going away tosearch for rope,but he didn’t. Turning my head to him, i saw im standing there eyes glued on my wrist. I follwed his gaze and saw that me sleeve had revealed some of the cuts and scars when i had streched my arms up. 

Shit. 

Quickly, i pulled my arms back and tried to put down the hoodie so that Newt couldn’t see my scars. “Y/N..what the hell is this?” he asked in an indefinable tone. 

“Nothing!”, i replied quickly. Too quickly. He grabbed qrist and i hissed as he touched one of the newer cuts by accident. I tried to wriggle free from his grasp, but he helf my arm and pushed my sleeve up. His eyes widened in shock as he saw the scars. 

“Y/N -” “I have to go, sorry.” I managed to break free from him,turned around and ran towards my room.

Tears welled up in my eyes as i ran faster and faster. Why did that happened? He’ll never talk to me again! I stumbled into my room, my sight blurry from all the tears and and i broke down on my bed, crying. It was even worse than yesterday, i could barely breath. 

I didn’t noticed Newt opening the door and rushing to my bed, pulling me on his lap and at his chest. I clinged on him for dear life and cried into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and began rocking back and forth as if i were a little kid. 

It helped though, i slowly calmed down and he took my arm and softly began to follow the scars with his fingers. I looked at him, but he didn’t seemed disgusted, as he he looked at the wounds, but incredible sad. My heart chlenched at the sadness in his voice as he finally spoke. 

“Why did you do that?” “Because i deserved it. I’m weak and pathethic and i would understand i you’d hate me now…”, i wispered, barely audible. “Hate you? God, Y/N, i could never hate you. And you don’t deserve this. You don’t even deserve to be here. You deserve only the best, and you’re certainly not pathetic and weak. Maybe i’m the pathetic one, as your best friend i should have notice how bad you’re feeling. You’re actually the strongest out of everyone here.” 

I scoffed. “The strongest? Oh please, i cry myself to sleep every night and you want to tell me i’m strong? Everday i pretend to be that i’mfine, that i’m happy, but i’m not. I’m not, and why?Because i’m weak!” Tears run down my face again and Newt lifeted his hand to wipe off a tear from my cheek with his thumb. “No. That’s why you are strong. Because you give your best to be happy, even if you aren’t. Doyou even know how many of the boys desperately need your happiness? Do you know how many of them would go completely nuts without you? Yes,maybe your happiness is fake and you think you’re weak, but you are not. You are important. We all need you. I need you. Please stop hurting yourself.” 

During his little speech Newt had took my hands and traced little patterns on the back of them with his thumbs. I smiled up to him and he smiled back. “Thank you, Newt.” I placed a kiss on his cheeks. He stared at my, slightly blushing and surprised by what i just did. After a few moments of staring into each others eyes, he looked down on our interwined hands. 

“Can-” he cleared his throat - ”can i kiss you?” This caught me completely by surprise. “What?” He blushed deeper. “Nothing. Forget what i just said. I didn’t -” 

“Yes.” 

He looked at me again. “Yes what?” I took a deep breath. “Yes, you can kiss me. If you want.” 

He started smiling, a smile so full of genuine happiness, i couldn’t help but smile back. He slowly raised his hand and put a strand of my hair, before he cupped my cheek and pulled me gently towards him. 

I felt his breath on my face and when our lips were only centimeters apart, he wispered: “I love you.”, and kissed me.

thanks for reading:)                       want to request something?

[vile-allure]

present

so, i was very depressed, cut my wrist down to the artery and had to go get stitches in france and blah blah blah. the program director caroline was very sweet and agreed to let me go back home for a week. wednesday night i purchased tickets to head home friday. friday came around, i got in the uber, the bus, the train,the plane, and then into the prius.. it seemed like only seconds went by when i got back in that car to head to the airport, to take a plane, then a train, followed by a bus and uber. as i arrived back in Aix, hoping out of the uber, i felt nothing. hearing people speak french in the airport just annnoyed me. i walked inside the house, and it didn’t feel like it belonged to me anymore. i dont feel like i am actually here, sitting in this bed listening to the wind rattle the window panes. it does not feel like i was just back home, it feels like it was all a dream. I saw so many familiar and welcoming faces in california. my parents, claudia, lindsay, annie, and the wormhole crew. but it feels like it was a dream. the weirdest part, is that on the plane and train, while i was napping i had very vivid dreams. i had dreams in which i was having a simple conversation with my parents, i felt myself wanting to talk back but i then quickly opened my eyes and realized it wasn’t real. it was all a dream. when i noticed that i felt so confused and lost.the dream felt just as real as the reality of me just being back in california. i close my eyes hard, squeezed them, while on the train, just praying i would open them and be looking out to a beautiful view of mt tam, i reopen them to see the flashing by french countryside. life is moving, and it is not stopping for anybody. itis a frightening feeling. 

when i was back in california, i had absolutely no desire to go back to france. when walking around SF i did not miss the beautiful french architecture. it came to mind but it wasn’t a negative nostalgia. it was a faint memory associated with positive things but no desire to relive it. i am here in france but i do not feel like it. i feel like i have moved on and past it. these past 6 months, i have noticed so much. i have grown and matured in so many ways. i have learned about myself and about time and life. i have really learned that you have to live in the moment because it goes by so fast. i have learned to sit close my eyes for a few seconds, take a deep breathe and be present, control my breathe so i know i am here and in the now. I have learned what it is like to be truly and utterly alone and not have the energy to reach out. when i felt like this in california, i had at least my mom on call, and an array of friends, but here it is just me. i remember as soon as i saw blood gushing from my arm all i wanted was my mom, i jjust wanted her to hold me or sit there, or be in the other room playing covet. i just wanted to know she was there. i see this loneliness and can only imagine the pain i will feel when this lonliness is not only separated by distance, but by death itself. I have no idea what i would do if i did not have my parents.

i walk by the kitchen in this french house, and see my father sitting there having coffee and reading a book, i only saw that a few times in comparison to all the other people and actions that have taken place there, but the most comforting thought is that he was once here, his spirit has walked through here and memories were made and it gives it some sentimentality.

i really do not know what i am feeling. i know i am sad, i am extremely aware of it. I am aware of how it feels, how i react to it, how it causes me to act in different ways. I have started to categorize myself as 2 entities. Hillary and not so hillary. Hillary is a happy and sarcastic animal loving goof ball, who just wants to spend time with loved ones, do adventurous things and have a good time. Not so hillary is very contradictory, she is destructive, not only to herself but to people around her, she has no patience and no desire to help anyone, and would like to be alone and wallow in her sorrows. The two hillarys meet, but dont associate with each other. i feel as if there is a switch and sometimes it gets turned. i can go from having a pleasant experience, to have something trigger me and all of a sudden it is the devilish hillary and it is almost impossible for me to stop the transformation. it is like i am hypnotized, and certain words or topic trigger the switch, but i am not able to pin point the triggers.

i am sad, very sad. i am aware of the sadness. i manifest it as a heavy dense raincloud over my head. I want the sun to shine through, i want to be happy, but it is hard to get away from the cloud because it keeps following me. sometimes i wake up and im happy, other times i wake up and would rather just lay in bed eating snacks watching stupid shows trying to keep my mind occupied. I notice it, i recognize the familiar feeling. i feel it, i taste it, i hear it. the sadness is all around me. and i understand that i am the only person who can lift this raincloud but while im under it so drenched in tears it is almost impossible.

in order to feel better, i am going to try to change a few things.

i am going to force myself to go to the gym everyday, i don’t care how tired or sad im feeling. i feel at least a little better knowing im doing something that will at least make me look better. 

I will be sure to keep my feelings and personal matters and opinions to myself. close friends and family are obviously an exception but there is no need for others to know my bussiness out of pure petty gossip.

i will read more, at leassssst 10 pages a day. i will also write more, no matter my mood, to try and track my feelings, progress, and maybe be able to identify my triggers.

i will cut out gluten and dairy once again and this time hopefully actually stick to it.

i want my body to be as healthy as possible, because that somehow might change my brain chemistry and equalize my hormones, resulting in more balanced emotions. this health will be reached, as said before, by a new diet, and daily exercise. as well as trying to get out into nature as frequently as possible.

as for my mental health, i will try my hardest to live in the moment and appreciate the now because it only happens once. if i notice something sneaking into my mind about what i will do later, as long as it is not a pressing issue i will put it aside. when at the gym running on the treadmill i will not cut my workout short just because i realized i wanted to search something or need to shower, we all sure as hell know that your fat ass is just going to sit in front of the computer screen and watch netflix. so live in the moment and dont fantasize about unrealistic or unimportant things, live in the damn moment.

you are only young once. ok now this is for future hillary. i know this is really tough right now. you are so lonely. you live alone, you have friends in class but have no real connection with any of them. you have pretty much no desire or energy to socialize. you are insecure and alone in a foreign country with nothing but two stuffed cows to cuddle. i want you, i NEED you to take advantage of this situation. when you feel the lonliness come on, write it down, try and realize what it is that is causing you to feel so lonely, and if there is anything you can do to change that. also, for motivation for the future, when you go back to california for summer you are going to see all you good friends again, who obviously saw you when you were back for week in a very negative headspace and 30 lbs heavier. so use these next few months to better yourself so when you go back, the people who you didn’t see, the people of lesser significance in your life will not see how being alone and abroad caused you so much hardship, but caused you to better yourself as a human being and cause you to come out stronger than ever thought possible. you know for a damn fact that people are more attractive when the are happy, so right now you must look like a gremlin, but that is beside the point. play the part and maybe you will get it. take the steps to be happier, smile more, exercise more, enjoy all mother nature has to offer. spend good times with good people. dont let your insecurities hold you back. if you want to say something, SAY IT, dont let your anxiety hold you back. if you want something, obtain the means to get it. be proactive hillary. no one else will ever be the root of your happiness, you will always somehow be alone. when you close your eyes to go to sleep it is just you with your subconcious, in the bathroom, when you give a presentation. there are so many examples. but basically no one person can take away your sadness and instill a strong foundation and sense of security. not all promises can be kept, due to personal changes, circumstances, or maybe death. people come and go, and if you attach yourself a little to each person, person you wont have yourself anymore because you will be so identified with other individuals. learn to be yourself. dress the way you want, do your make up the way you want, work out your body so you can shape and mould it into the shape you want. being an individual is all about following your own personal interests. so stop basing your own happiness on others. i want you to look in the mirror in 5 years and see a strong woman who no matter what is thrown her way will always stand strong. i want you to overcome this all and be so in touch with yourself that nothing will ever be able to bring you down, and no one will ever be able to make you second guess yourself. I want you to look in the mirror and see a queen. I want for you to not settle for anyone, the person you marry will be the luckiest man alive because he will be able to call me his wife. but if that man ever leaves me, he wont take a part of me with him, he can take my belongings, or partial custody of future children, but he will not be able to take my dignity or alter my self worth because it is based solely on my own opinion and perception of self. so hillary, in this time of absolute depression and upset, you can still see a bright future ahead. now i want you to reach out and get it at all costs. better yourself so that no one else in the world can even compare to you, and anyone would be lucky to have you in their lives. shape your mind in ways unspoken, obtain knowledge and experience new things. open yourself up to change. you need that right now. let this loneliness and hurt open you up to new beginnings and the development of a new a stronger you. one day people will know Hillary Perelson as a strong and intellectual woman, these people may not know your past, but will be able to tell from the way you present yourself and the demeanor of your actions that you came out on top. mental illness does not control you, you control you. so step it up Hillary. nothing is going to change on its own, you need to take initiative of your own destiny.

[ctntduotism]

If I could keep anything of you,

I would keep just this quiet after you

[kweebtrash]

Dom(me)s Aren’t Built In a Day: Johnny Vers. (M)

Pairing: Johnny X Reader

Features: Choking/Breath play, restraints, spanking/paddling, cock rings, Switch!Johnny, bratty behavior, oral sex/69, light scratching/biting, rough sex, established relationship and some fluffy shit because i couldn’t resist

Genre: Slight Angst, Smut.

Word Count: 7.3k

A/N: So I kinda got carried away with this one. And i was going to make Johnny a sub all the way but the story took it’s own course. Anon I really hope you like this because i love it! I’m so much better writing kink than fluff lol. Thanks Anon <3

DABIAD Mini Series Masterlist

My hands slid underneath the hem of his shirt, feeling the warm skin and firm muscles underneath. I dug my nails in ever so slightly when his hand grabbed my ass forcing me closer to his body. I sighed softly into his kiss, wanting more and hungry to feel him deeper.

“You wanna go to the bedroom?” I smirked as i laid open mouth kisses on his neck.

“I guess…”

He guessed?? “What do you mean you guess?”i asked.

He shrugged and diverted his eyes. “If you wanna…”

“Well it's not really consensual if you dont want to.”

“I'll do it for you.”

I pushed Johnny off of me and got up from the couch. “Just say you fuckin’ dont want to. Damn.”

It had been like this. For weeks now. Apathetic, mediocre. Trying to get a groove back that seemed to have faded already. We had been dating for almost a whole year now, and when it first began it was like we set the whole world ablaze. Every moment with him was ecstatic and filled me with feelings of lust, love, and happiness all at once. Yet lately it seemed like he didn't even want to touch me. I was shocked when he initiated the make out session, even a little turned on to be grinding on the couch like horny teenagers. But even that little bit of a spark disappeared within minutes. And now I knew for sure that he was just doing it to try and please me. Not that him rutting unenthusiastically into me made it feel good.

I had plenty of thoughts running through me head. Was he cheating? Did he fall out of love with me? Was he sick? Medical issue? Depression? He wasn't talking to me and that made me even more worried. How did we even get to this point?

I went over to his bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed. A few moments later he was in the doorway, hands shoved deep into his pockets. “I'm sorry…” He said quietly. He was hiding behind his dark brown bangs, shyer than he normally was.

“What is going on with you? You're never like this and you wont talk to me about anything! When did that start happening?” i let out a frustrated sighed as my mind went to that place again. “Are you….are you cheating on me?”

Johnny’s head snapped up instantly. “What? No! Fuck no! I would never. Why would you think that?”

“I DONT KNOW! You’re not talking! Tell me what's going on then!” i couldn't help the angered tone in my voice.

“It's nothing! Nothing's wrong i just…” He shrugged. “I guess I'm in a funk or something. I don't know. I was hoping it would go away but it hasn't.” He rubbed the back of his neck and groaned. “Dont worry about it ok? I'll figure it out.”

“Figure it out…” I scoffed. “So you've been ‘figuring it out’ by yourself for weeks and you've become reclusive and it feels like you're repulsed by me.”

“Don't be so fucking dramatic. I'm not repulsed by you. Nothing wrong with you. Just let me do this by myself.”

“Fine.” I got up from the bed and pushed past him. “You can call me whenever you ‘figure it out’.” i rushed to grab my bag and keys from by the couch and went over to the door.

“Yeah, thanks for being understanding!!” He screamed after me. “Selfish ass!!”

I guess I was being selfish. It wasn't really about the sex...part of it was of course but what the hell was he hiding? I had spent various nights crying, going days without a call or text, even though he was posting his photography on instagram. It seemed like he was going on without me. That was until one night he finally broke the silent vow that had manifested between us.

“I'm sorry. I really wanna see you. I miss you.” i heard him breathe into the phone.

“Are you drunk?” i sighed.

“Yeah but it's fine. I know what i'm saying. Come over.”

“I'm not going over while you're drunk. Where even are you?” I could hear loud noises in the background and people screaming over each other.

“Out. Please. Meet me at my place. You still have the key dont you?”

“Yeah but-”

“Let me fuck you.”

No. That was bad. Very very very bad. And i should not go over there. I got up and grabbed my keys, swiftly putting on my shoes and making a terrible decision.

When i got to his place he was already pushing me against the door, his mouth overwhelming mine and hands roaming everywhere. I was clawing at his clothes, practically tearing them away. He looked amazing. Tight jeans that accentuated his firm ass, black shirt that was now tossed aside and heated muscles that drove me to open my legs instantly. He grabbed my arm and dragged me to the bedroom, pushing me onto the bed and crawling on top of me. My breaths were coming out so hard that my lungs were starting to burn. The only thing i could think about was him making me cum. Just please make me cum. Ive missed you so much, Johnny. So much.

I couldnt say what i was thinking. I was too busy pulling him closer to the heat between my thighs, wanting to ride his face until the sun came up. My hand was digging into his scalp while his were on my breasts, squeezing and kneading as he rained kisses over my lower stomach. I shoved off my sweatpants and panties, eliciting a growl from his hungry lips. “Fuck Johnny….please.”

He grabbed my hips with a smirk, yanking me towards him and moving up to swallow my lips again in sinful twists and turns of his tongue. “I'll get to you in a minute, baby i promise.”

I whimpered wantonly. “Don't keep me waiting. Ive missed you so much.”

He licked my lips and groaned. “Fuck, me too. You feel so damn good and i'm not even inside you yet.” He trailed his lips to my neck biting down hard against the sensitive skin as his denim clad cock ground into my center. My hands raked up his back, stopping right at the base of his neck. I arched into him, returning the rolls of his hips as gasps of pleasure fell from me. “Choke me.”

I stopped then and there. “What?”

“Choke me. For the love of god, fuckin’ choke me.” He took my hand in his, placing it on his neck as his eyes sealed shut, waiting.

I pulled away, sitting up slightly. “Johnny! That's dangerous!”

“No, it"s fine. Please just do it. It'll get me off.”

My eyes went wide and i scrambled away from him. “I-i cant do that. That's just…”

“Why not? It's easy. Just do it.”

“You could stop breathing! I'm not gonna kill you.”

“Exactly! It wont kill me! You're not gonna hurt me. Just…” He looked at me, eyes dark and pleading.

“I cant. Im sorry. I...i knew this was a bad idea. I have to go.” i quickly grabbed my pants and pulled them on. He didnt even try to stop me. He just sat there, head hung low and hand clenched around the sheets. I rushed out of there fast, my heart still racing with nervousness. I had never been asked that before and for Johnny to even suggest that...was that what he was wanting before? Why he was so distant? I just...i couldn't do that to him no matter how badly he wanted it. My heart hurt now...maybe we werent exactly made for each other after all.

--

A month had passed and we still were barely talking. I wasnt ready to move on but...maybe it was time. He was on my mind everyday and i also continuously wondered if maybe he had found someone else. Someone who could do what he wanted. We had arranged to meet at his place again. I was going to get my things and probably break it off for good. As I drove to his apartment i willed myself not to start crying. I had to be strong. This was for the best. Maybe not for me but maybe for him. In my head I tried to convince myself that I wanted him to be happy even if it was with someone else. But it wasn't really working.

When i got to the front door and knocked there was no answer. He knew I was coming...he had to be home. I sent him a text and waited. Minutes passed and still no answer. I still had the key to his place -i had planned to give it back to him today- but i didnt want to burst in there. It seemed rude now since we were so distant. But he still wasn't answering. I reluctantly set the key in the lock and went inside. The place was dark, there was only a dim light coming from his bedroom. “Johnny?” I called out.

Still no response. Now i was starting to get worried. I went over to his bedroom, the door wide open, and i could see him lying in bed fully naked with his cock in his fist. His laptop was beside him and his headphones in his ears which would explain why he hadn't heard anything. My face was bright red and i panicked. I had no idea if I should stop him or not. I almost didn't want to. He looked so...damn good. The way his chest was rising and falling, his legs tensing and hips bucking with each pass of his hand over the tip of his cock. I dared to step a little closer to him and i noticed the video that was playing on his laptop. Of course it was porn but stuff that we had never watched together. The man was tied up, rope decorating his skin in intricate patterns, his mouth gagged shut and a blindfold over his eyes. There were marks all over his backside, most likely the branding from the tall amazonesque women dressed in latex behind him. She was holding a thin rod of what looked like maybe wood in her gloved hands and he was begging her for more. She complied, landing another hard whip from the cane making him cry out. When the wood landed on skin, Johnny's body tensed, his breath hiccuping for a moment before he licked the dryness from his lips. His cock was leaking now, the sound of wet skin on skin coming to my ears.

I swallowed hard and reached out to him, setting my hand on his sweat slicked chest. His eyes shot open and he jumped up quickly, yanking the headphones out his ears and slamming the laptop shut. “Jesus!! Dont you knock!?” he pulled a pillow over his lap and glared up at me.

“I did!! I knocked, i texted you, and i called out to you! You're the one with headphones jacking off to…that stuff…”

His face flushed a bit and he got up from him bed trying to making his way over to his bathroom. “Why are you here?!”

“We agreed for me to come over and get my stuff! Don't you remember?”

He groaned. “Shit...that was today?”

“I thought that's what we said!” i shifted my feet a bit. “Sorry, i came in with the key. I didnt want to but you didnt answer and...well…”

He pushed his hair back briefly wiping the sweat from his forehead. “It's fine...it's my fault. Um…” He looked down at the pillow that he was clutching tighter. “I'm gonna uh...you know.”

“Finish?”

“What?! N-no! I mean not while you're here now! That's like...weird.” He said.

“Why? I mean I know why but i've seen your dick like...hundreds of times.”

“Yeah but we're…”

“What are we exactly?” I asked.

He looked down at his feet. “I dont know. I thought you hated me.”

“Hate? No! I thought that...i thought a lot of things. I thought you didnt want to be with me because i was scared to choke you. I thought that maybe sex was that important to you and then it made me feel like shit.”

“i felt like shit when you thought it was weird. And i'm sorry about the choking thing. Me being drunk and springing it on you wasn't the best way to go about it. I'm glad we didn't have sex that night.” He replied.

“Me too.” i nodded before glancing back at his laptop. “I really miss you Johnny. Like it hurts so bad to not be around you. And if...this stuff is important to you i'm willing to at least try it.”

His eyes snapped up to me. “R-really? You really don't have to. I dont want to make you uncomfortable. I guess this is what we’re struggling with anyway.”

“I am uncomfortable but...maybe you can teach me and we can try stuff?” I nibbled my lip a bit. “You looked really hot listening to it...just saying.”

He let out a soft chuckle. “Thanks...um…” He leaned in a bit placing a soft kiss on my lips. I smiled and looked up at him.

“So do I spank you and call you a bad boy now?”

He nodded. “That would be kinda nice.”

“Do I say mean things to you?” I asked fumbling over the thoughts in my head and just spitting them out.

“No, i'm not into degradation, just control. Or lack thereof. You're in control. You command me essentially.”

“Command you?” I thought for a moment. “Like get on your knees and eat me out?”

“Right now?” He raised his eyebrows in surprise.

I cleared my throat. “If you dont i'll...spank you.”

He smiled which made me cover my face. “Im sorry! I'm trying!”

“No, no. It's okay. I appreciate it. You're so cute.”

I set my face in his chest, trying to hide my embarrassment. “Am i supposed to sound scary? Like how am I supposed to do it?”

He kissed the top of my head. “Not for nothing but we can watch some stuff together. Its a bit exaggerated but you'll get the gist of it.”

“Watch porn...together?”

“Nothing more romantic, am i right?” He laughed and nodded towards his bed. “C’mon.”

I took off my sweatshirt and jeans, tossing them away with my shoes and climbed into bed with him. He sat up against his headboard, setting the laptop on the pillow and opening it back up.

“Ok,” I held onto his arm and exhaled. “Let do this.”

--

Oh god. I could see why he wanted this so bad. Never in my life had i seen anything so lustful and sensual than my small hands wrapped around Johnny's throat. His full lips were parted, only being able to let out small raspy gasps as his chest tried to compensate for the lack of air. I held his life in my hands, which in of itself was the most powerful thing i had ever felt. My thumbs pressed into his adams apple and his hand instantly grabbed the top of the headboard to steady himself while i rode his cock like I was never going to see him again. And when he came -Jesus- when he came it was like a whole new world had opened and we were the only ones in it. My whole body tensed, convulsed, clenched around him as his cum filled me. He had arched against me, making my nails dig into his skin before he tapped my wrist quickly. I let go instantly and he gasped in air in huge gulps, coughing just a bit.

“A-are you o-okay?” i stammered as i still felt my legs shaking on either side of his hips.

He nodded, coughing into his elbow and struggling to regain his breath. I bit my lip now worried that i had done something wrong. “Johnny!”

He waved me off, giving me a thumbs up before he finished his coughing fit. “FUCK!” he wiped the back of his mouth. “Damn...that was-”

“Did it hurt? Are you ok? I'm sorry, God i’m so sorry. I was caught up in the-”

He interrupted me like i had done to him except it was with a hard kiss. He pulled me down to him, kissing me deeply and desperately. When he pulled away I was almost lightheaded from the intensity. “You're amazing. Like...incredibly amazing.”

“You've never cum like that before. I um…” I looked down at our bodies still connected and the bit of stickiness that was slowly sliding out of me. “It was a lot...and really….wow.”

“Yeah...wow is...one way to describe it. Can we do it again?” He smirked.

“Right now? Are you sure? I think I marked your neck though.” I blushed.

He bit his lip in his charmingly awkward way. “Hell. Yes.” He wrapped his arms around my waist and pushed me down to the bed, attacking my neck and chest with kisses and bites making me giggle.

“Johnny! Wait!” I squirmed beneath him, trying to still his nibbles and licks. Him laughing against my neck tickled even more until I was almost in tears. “Stop!” He didn't, even when i begged but an idea popped into my head amidst my giggles. I landed a hard smack against his ass using as much force as i could given my position beneath him. He stopped instantly, clutching my sides roughly. “When I say stop what do you think that means?”

“Stop, ma'am.”

“Ma'am?” I mulled it over. I didn't think I was a Mistress or Mommy or Queen or anything just yet. Besides some of those titles still made me squeamish.

“Would you want me to call you something else?” he asked, head still bowed and buried in my neck.

“No. I like that. Say it again.”

“Yes ma'am.”

I smirked feeling the sense of power return. “Good boy. I think you should bend over now.”

--

~2 years later~

“Why are you mad at me? You're the one who walked out on me!” Johnny yelled once we got into our shared apartment.

“Because I don't like public proposals and you did it right in front of everyone!”

“It was a surprise engagement party!”

“I still dont like that! It puts me on the spot and it makes me have anxiety and it forces me to say yes!”

“So you dont want to say yes?” He looked at me confused and full of hurt.

“No, i mean...i just...can i think about it?!”

“Think about it? We've been together for so long already! What is there to think about?!”

“I dont know! I mean...divorce rates, family shit, insurance, an entire fucking wedding that we cant afford! A stupid dress that i'm only going to wear once and costs like a quarter of my college debt.”

“And all of that was enough to make you walk out on me? Really?”

“I just have to think about it, ok?!”

“Think about it on the couch then.” He walked into our bedroom-the one that used to belong to him and only him- and slammed the door shut. I sighed, angrily kicking off my heels and plopping down on the sofa. My arms crossed as my stubbornness was kicking in. I wasnt apologizing. I hated crowds and when he got down on one knee in front of our friends my anxiety went into over drive and i panicked. I had run outside, my emotions a terrible melting pot of odds and ends. I didnt come back to the party. It ended horribly. That was when we drove home in a tense silence that had exploded as soon as we stepped foot into our home.

I thought back to the first year of our relationship. How hot and cold we were because of all the changes we were going through. It was so distant and painful. I didnt want to go through that again. That was when the giddiness hit. He had proposed, completely unexpected and while i almost had an anxiety attack at our surprise engagement party….he had actually proposed. Like PROPOSED. I covered my face with my hands and felt the heat rising all the way to the tips of my ears. I never thought that would happen ever. It hadnt even crossed my mind before. I was so focused on building my business and living our life as a couple who lived together that I hadnt thought that far. A piece of paper and a ring wouldnt change how i felt about him but he had clearly thought it through. Enough to do a party after all.

Oh Johnny. This is why even though I controlled you, you had me wrapped around your finger tight.

I got up and unzipped my form hugging dress, stepping out of it and kicking it out the way. I went over to the bedroom, knocking gently before stepping in. He ignored me, opting to keep his eyes glued to his phone. His blazer was strewn on the bed, tie and top buttons of his shirt undone, sleeves rolled up to his elbows while his hair escaped the hold his pomade had on it. “Johnny…” I called out softly.

His thumb flicked over the phone screen, his eyes following the scrolling blue and white masses of texts and photos. I crawled onto the bed and sat behind him, rubbing my hands over his shoulder. He smacked them away quickly. “Dont.”

“I'm sorry.” I began, placing a kiss on the back of his neck. “I didn't mean to upset you. I panicked.” I wrapped my arms around his ribcage and held him tight.

He sighed and set his phone on the night stand. “Do you really not want to get married? Honestly i'll return the damn ring and get myself a camera.”

I turned his face towards mine and kissed his full lips gently. “Let me think about it ok? Please?” I didn't give him much of a chance to respond as i deepened the kiss little by little, pushing him back onto the bed. He let out a small grunt and i assumed it was because he was mad at himself for being persuaded so easily. But i've always had that effect on him. While our tongues were clashing with one another i drew my hand up to his neck, gently running my hands over one of his most sensitive areas. He jerked at the touch at first, knowing what it meant and the possibilities for the night. He pulled away ever so slightly, his warm breath coating my lips as he panted.

“Ma'am?” he asked tentatively.

“Mhm…” I nodded in response, letting the switch set off between us as our dynamics changed. He wasn't just my sweet, loving, awkwardly goofy boyfriend anymore. He was my pet, my submissive- the one who catered to my every desire to enact my power over him, to see him crumble beneath me, begging helplessly.

“I'm still mad at you.” He said softly.

“I know.” I gripped his neck, adding pressure right against his adam's apple. His breath stilled for a moment as i slid my legs over his lap, straddling him. “That's why I'm making it up to you. Or at least trying to. Will you let me?”

His hand fell to my hip which he squeezed twice-our signal for yes. I smiled down at him dragging my eyes to the tie that hung loosely from his neck. Improvise. I let go of his throat momentarily- much to his dismay- and undid the tie. The shirt came next, a slow tease of testing his patience as I undid each button placing kisses on each new exposed area of skin. I untucked the shirt from his pants, opening a new area across his stomach to litter with kisses and a few harsh bites just to keep him on his toes. He was usually a quiet sub until he started begging and only let out a few hisses when i bit into him. My eyes drifted up to him- he was watching me intensely, wondering where i would go next- before looking down at the zipper of his dress pants.

I ignored it for now, shuffling down to remove his shoes and socks instead. He was shifting in the bed, fingers flexing around the bed sheets as he became raptured by every move I was making. I suppose it did help that i was in nothing but a sheer bra and panty set. I had planned that way before our fight, thinking we would have a chance to slip away in the middle of the party, but at least my plan came back around full circle. “Now dont move. Stay right where i left you.” I commanded before I left him in the bed and retreated to our closet. Behind all the clothes and totes and shoes was our little box of secrets- well, over the years the size of the box had increased as our collection grew and we learned how one another worked. I pulled it out, rifling through the goodies to find exactly what i was looking for. When i turned back to the bed Johnny had removed his shirt and unzipped his pants which instantly made my brow furrow.

“Did I ask you to do that?” i gripped the base of the paddle i now had in my hand tighter.

He licked his lips and swallowed hard. “N-no but I thought-”

“You thought...huh. last time I checked your job isnt to think, it's to do what i say.” I bound over to him, grabbed the tie from the bed and pinned his wrists together, securing them in a bowline knot, making sure it was tight enough that his big hands wouldn't slip through. “On your knees. Now.”

“Yes ma'am.” He shifted onto his hands and knees, ass raised in the air. I always loved seeing him like this. Especially because his ass was so cute, even cuter when covered in bruises and hand marks too.

“Hold onto the headboard and dont move.”

He followed my order while i yanked his dress pants down along with his black boxer briefs, exposing him completely. I bit my lip, trying to stifle my giggle as i still saw faint traces of the bruises I had left on him a couple weeks ago. He was definitely due for some more. I picked up the paddle once more, turning it over and running my fingers over the leather that covered it and the icy steel grommets along the edges. I could see his shoulder blades tensing in anticipation, making his back muscles ripple. God, he looked so good. I stepped a bit closer to him, rearing my hand back and landing a hard slap across his cheeks with the paddle. He pursed his lips together, trying to suppress a groan from deep within his chest.

“What was that?” i asked, rubbing the leather across the bright red sting.

“N-nothing ma'am.” He replied through grit teeth as his head dipped.

“You know i prefer you quiet unless your begging, right?”

“Yes ma'am.” i watched his fingers grip the headboard tighter and smirked.

I brought the paddle down again for another loud thwack. His entire body lurched forward, his ankles crossing over each other sending the tension to his calves. There was no sound from him except his heavy breathing that was slowly starting to shift into raggedness. I switched from using the paddle to rub against him to my hands, trailing my nails over the burning skin. The light scratches were enough to make him squirm, his stomach dipping towards the mattress. I dragged my nails up the base of his tailbone trailing all the way up his spine. I heard the faintest of curses under his breath which made me chuckle. I pressed my index and middle finger under his chin and tilted his head up towards me. “You're purposefully being a brat now arent you?”

His eyes were hooded, long lashes fluttering as his lips parted to say something but he thought better of it. “If you think this is your punishment then you've got another thing coming, baby boy. Trust me i've got something much worse planned for you.”

I dropped my touch from him and slithered back to the box grabbing the thing he loved to hate the most. It was small and simple yet dangerous and carried the weight of torture within its expanding walls. I grabbed the girth of his hips and yanked him back to me. Johnny complied until my hands were over his semi soft cock, sliding on the cock ring over his shaft, making a slight twist in the silicone to wrap around his balls as well. “What?! No!” He hissed.

“Ooh, you're back talking me today too? I definitely won't be taking it easy on you now.” I pressed a heated kiss against his neck, kissing up to his ear before biting against his earlobe. “Get back into position.”

He nodded meekly, returning his hands to the headboard. Now he knew he was in punishment territory and there wasn't any turning back. I may have wanted to make it up to him so he wouldn't be mad at me but there was still a teensy part of me that was angry that he embarrassed me and sent me into a panic. I gave him no warning, mimicking the way he sprung that loaded question me, and slammed the paddle into him again. The indentation of the grommets were starting to form on his skin like fiery o's. I gave him little room to breathe within the next few hits, making sure every inch of his backside was covered in some sort of sordid mark. He was holding up better than he normally did though his knuckles were white and tensed around the headboard. His toes were digging into the sheets as he rocked himself slowly, trying to ease off the heavy burn in his flesh. I propped myself by the headboard, setting the paddle on the nightstand “Hi honey,” I said in a bit of a mocking tone. He lifted his head, eyes falling on me instantly. “You ok?”

He could only groan, a bit of irritation and aggravation hidden within. “Hmm just...peachy.”

I looked down between his legs at his newly formed erection that was already struggling against the cock ring. I giggled and pet his hair back gently, narrowly escaping his teeth as he attempted to bite me.

“Oohh, my baby boy's feisty. Should i just leave you here like this for another hour? Not even touching you? Or maybe i should make you watch me touch myself while you stay trapped in this cock ring.” His eyes lowered into angry slits but he said nothing. “Or I could touch you...edge you...make you scream your begs until your lungs burn? Yeah. I think i like the sound of that more.”

Johnny pursed his lips together hard. His mind was working on processing the upcoming plans and possibly on a way to give me the cold shoulder later on while i got to work on tossing his pants off completely and shoving him against the headboard. I swung my legs over his hips, getting into our favorite position. He looked up at me, his still bound hands freezing right before he attempted to touch me. He knew he was teetering on a fine line and wasn't going to push it just yet. I grabbed his hands and pinned them above his head while my hips hovered above his straining cock. His eyes stayed locked onto the small gap of space between our heat waiting for the first brush of contact. I let him have it, gliding the mesh fabric of my panties over his cock, circling my hips slightly when my clit met his head.

Johnny swallowed back a gasp biting his lip hard to keep himself steady. I fell into a slow and easy rhythm of rocking my hips against him, the thin fabric between us adding just a bit more friction and sending my nerves ablaze. I was focusing on rubbing my clit against his head, feeling his pre cum seep onto his stomach. The grip i had on his wrists tightened, my breath becoming a rough staccato. Meanwhile, Johnny was trying to increase the painful grind, digging his hips up into me. “Please…”

God, that perfect little beg always drove me crazy. He knew it to. Hed pout out his full lips, lick them so they'd glisten and entice me more and toss his head back, exposing his neck for choking, biting or both. And just when i would let go of his wrist hed try and touch me. I knew his game and he wasn't going to win this time. “Please? Please what, Johnny? Use your words.” I sunk my teeth into his neck, pulling blood to the surface and creating a deep mark. He arched up against me, letting out a soft hiss that turned into a strangled groan. I edged my hips up his torso, letting his cockhead press ever so slightly against my entrance.

“Fuck! Please, baby…let me fuck you.”

“Hmm, absolutely not.” I lowered my head to lick at his lips, tracing my tongue over his top lip and giving it a sweet kiss. He reached his tongue out to meet mine, sucking it slowly into his mouth and humming around it. I pulled away just to tease him and he arched his head towards mine, lips parted and willing to accept another kiss. I let go of one of his wrists-being sure to keep a tight grip on the tie- and wrapped my hand around his neck, keeping him pinned to the headboard. A faint whimper escaped him.

“Please ma'am, i'll be good to you. You just-” he tried reach for my kiss again but i tightened my hold on his throat. “You just…” He swallowed back and i could feel the struggle against my palm. “Untie me a-and I can-”

“Quiet. Im gonna make you put your mouth to better use.” I wiggled away from him, sliding my panties off as Johnny excitedly slid down so his head rested on the pillow. I resumed my position on him, my knees now on either side of his head. “Get to work, brat.”

He nodded and pressed his lips against my heat, already prying his tongue through my folds as he growled hungrily against me. He swirled his tongue against my clit before sucking it fully into his mouth. My head fell back and i closed my eyes reveling in the hot wet sucks and kisses he gifted me with. I edged myself forward commanding his tongue to flick into my eager hole. I wanted some form of release myself. Seeing him tied up and spanking him always made my hormones rush into overdrive. I was trying to stay strong but the way he was drinking down every bit of my slick heat had my thighs quivering. I shifted my hips into quick bounces, making sure he would dig his tongue into me, that was until i felt it disappear. I looked down at him angrily. “Did I tell you to stop?”

“N-no ma’am but...a-ahh it hurts.” I rolled my eyes and looked back at his cock that was making a mess all over his stomach. It was bright red and aching, crying out for attention. “Please? Just a little?” He gave my lower lips a few tender kisses, his chocolate brown puppy dog eyes getting to me. I grumbled angrily and accepted his little conquest before adjusting myself so my stomach pressed against his chest in a sixty-nine.

I lapped at the precum that had settled between the grooves of his abs, trying to hide the coy little moan i let out as soon as i tasted him. I trailed my tongue up to his slit, digging the tip in just enough to get him squirming. Meanwhile, my nails raked along his shaft, tracing veins that pulsated with each tantalizing stroke. Johnny pressed his hips up, just a minimal inch, trying to get me to take him into my mouth and i gave in. My lips wrapped around his head enveloping him in heated pulls. I felt his fingers wrap around my ass, pulling me closer while his thumbs spread my hole wide. His tongue resumed its rightful place inside me carving out patterns against my walls.

I swallowed hard around him, trying to get my mind to focus on his torture when all i could really think about was my pleasure. I rocked myself slowly, my mouth slurping him down each time i went forward and his tongue disappearing inside me when i went back. His deep moans were vibrating against my lips making me clench around him and i returned the sentiment. His cock throbbed against my palm as i stroked what i couldnt fit in my mouth edging him even further. My free hand slipped between this thick thighs to grab at his balls giving him a rough squeeze. His hips jerked roughly slamming his cock to the back of my throat and i harshly landed a slap against him before pulling away. “Johnny.” I growled.

He let out a deep groan as more precum leaked from his slit. I bit at his thigh harshly, gripping his balls even tighter. He cursed against my folds and his nails dug into me. He called out to me, my title thrown away, as he pleaded for me to release him. I glared back at him.

“You want it bad don't you? You're a mess baby boy.” I said. “You want this gone?” I tugged at the ring of silicone that was suffocating him. He nodded profusely, wiping away the sweat that beaded across his forehead.

“Please….” He whispered huskily. I bit my lip as his deep voice cut right through me. I undid the tie and carefully eased off the cock ring from around him. He let out a sigh of relief before covering my back and shoulders with kisses. “Thank you. Hmm...can i fuck you now ma'am?”

“You better make up for you being an impatient brat.”

“Maybe you can make up for being such a shithead then.” He chuckled.

Before i could even argue he pushed me flat on my back, my head dangling off the edge of the bed. Any protest i was going to make dissolved into a loud cry as i felt his swollen cock shove into me. My walls stretched and swallowed him down greedily. He wasted no time in slamming into me over and over creating a swirling fire in the pit of my stomach. My hands reached for him, wanting to pull him closer to me but he pinned them to my side. From over the swell of my breasts i could see him watching every movement my body made beneath him. Though he had a crushing grip on my wrists my fingers dug into the sheets trying to find a way to stabilize myself. “F-fuck! Johnny!!” I cried as my back arched against him.

He had never been this hungry for me before. Begging, whiny, and submissive yes but this was...I wanted more. I wrapped my legs around his waist, digging my heels into his lower back as i panted out my own pleads. Johnny finally blessed me with heavy kisses on my neck pairing it with slithering licks. I turned my head towards his trying to capture his lips but he pulled away quickly as if i had burned him. “No.”

No? My eyes narrowed. “What do you mean no?! Give me my kiss.”

“Now who's being a brat?” He smirked. His hips were slamming into me even harder. I could hear the harsh slapping of skin on skin that mixed in with his heavy pants and groans. I tried wiggling out of his grasp but it was no use. Blood was rushing to my head making my entire body feel like it was floating. I could hear my heart thundering in my ears, pouding louder and louder to match each of Johnny's thrusts that dug into me. I arched against him, my body begging for him to aim towards my spot. Just when the head of his cock brushed against the place i desired most he pulled away and i almost screamed. He was testing me and possibly this was his way of getting revenge on me too.

He flipped me over pressing me face down, ass up, his hand gripping the back of my neck firmly. When he reinserted himself into me i felt every pleasure point ignited. My eyes rolled back as my mouth stayed in a permanent moan, my fingers digging into the edge of the mattress. My ass rocked back against him as i felt my impending orgasm approaching. He was relentless and unending and i felt like i was going to snap in half at any minute. The pressure he was putting on my neck strangled my breathing, my chest struggling to expand but it drove me wild. I could finally feel what he had felt; the feeling of abandoning control, of trusting someone so deeply and feeling your entire body slipping away to a space of heightened pleasure.

And as my explosive orgasm hit me i sunk my teeth into the edge of the bed, screaming my sins out. A rush of heat seeped inside me as Johnny bottomed me out with a final thrust. His grip loosened on my neck but i didnt move. It was like i was frozen against him. I felt him place kisses against me, crawling up to my face where he hovered above me so i wouldnt be crushed under his tall frame. “You okay?”

“Yeah….yeah…”

“You sure?” i felt his bangs brush against my shoulder as he kissed my cheek. I nodded and swallowed hard. We shifted slowly so we laid on our backs beside each other staring up at the ceiling as our breaths returned to normalcy.

“So….” he said.

“So…”

“I think i might be a switch.”

“I think i might be ready to marry you.”

We both looked at each other quizzically having said two completely different statements at the same time.

“What?” we said again before laughing.

He turned onto his said to face me. “Did you say you're ready to marry me?”

“Maybe.” I buried my face in his chest, trying to avoid looking at him. “What's this shit about you wanting to switch?!”

“Dont change the subject!” He pulled me away from him forcing me to look up. “You serious?”

“Yeah….i mean if you want to be a switch and do...all of the shit you just did now you damn right we're getting married.” I said.

“So you're just in it for the sex, huh?” He nudged me playfully.

I cupped his face in my hands. “Of course not. I have to deal with you tripping over your own feet, and constantly recording me or taking unflattering photos of me, and you whining when i have to fix your photography website because you messed up the html code yet again, and you sending me cryptic messages because you don't know how to send a text without it sounding ominous. And if i hated all of that i would've left you by now. But the dick is a plus.”

“Ehh, you're pretty decent yourself.” He smiled at me. “Especially when you're getting fucked out from behind.” he placed a slow heated kiss on my lips, teasing me with licks and pulling away like i had done to him. “You'd make a cute sub.”

“Easy now, hotshot. I didn't get the hang of it instantly and you definitely wont either. Doms aren't built in a day you know.”

“I know that but-” His hand wrapped around my neck, his thumb tilting my head up to his. “I'm gonna have fun learning.”