#ok so. surface level thought 3 minutes in is that this is about the shame of teenage pregnancy

[vaugarde]

this is what social anxiety feels like. nanami is like those posts like “is dry cleaning socially acceptable?” except its carrying around an egg

[nevertheless-moving]

Star Wars AU #20: MacenJar AU

Inspired by this meme and with permission from @simpskywalker

This au is dedicated to everyone who told me that this concept ‘gave them a headache’ or ‘psychic damage’. Especially that special someone who begged me to ‘please stop’ because ‘i hate this, i hate this so much’ and told me ‘please don’t say more words about this.’

Crack Lies Ahead, enough to consume a man. I have spoken.

“Ani. Ani. Anakin Skywalker.”

“Hmm?” The dulcet sounds of Padme calling his name dragged Anakin from sleep against his will. 

“Anakin, you have to get up.”

He groaned, rolling over. “...here’s my face...I’ll...be awake in a second...just sit down...I’m awake...”

“No, Anakin you have to leave, remember. You have a 5 AM take-off scheduled, and you made me promise I would get you up early this time, come on.”

She cruelly yanked the covers away. He gasped in betrayal. 

“My own wife...how could you.”

“Anakin if you’re not out of bed in the next 30 seconds the next time you beg to stay the night because ‘you can get up early, you swear’ I am kicking you out before anyone sits anywhere near anyone’s face, do you understand.”

He sat bolt upright and stumbled out of bed. “Ok, Ok, I’m up I- Padme!”

“Yes?” She asked sweetly, brushing her hair at the vanity. 

“It’s 3 AM!”

“Yes I know, you were going to stop at that bakery I recommended, remember?”

“You woke me up an hour and half early so I could stop at a bakery,” he asked, disbelieving.

“Yes, Anakin, it was your idea. It was going to be your cover, in case anyone wondered what you were doing in the building.”

“That is-” before he could call it the stupidest idea he had ever heard, the memory of promising Padme that staying the night was a good idea because it would facilitate his cunning ruse (he was distracted, ok? Padme was wearing a lot of layers) came rushing back.

“-right,” he finished lamely.

Padme just hummed and began braiding in her cosmetic forcefields. 

Anakin managed to stretch, complete his morning refresher run, and arrange his robes in a suitably decorous fashion by the time Padme had established the base layer of her hairstyle for the day.

A quick kiss- no goodbye, it hurt too much to say goodbyes in war - and Anakin was out the door. 

He idly scratched his chin, vacantly looking out the lift and vaguely considering growing a beard. The pre-dawn view was quickly replaced by metal walls as the ride dropped below the skyline.

The transparisteel pod began to slow scarcely one third of the way down. Anakin suppressed a groan and tried to arrange his expression in Jedi-stoic manner, hoping that whoever got in the lift with him would be too intimidated by seeing a Jedi close-up to think about what they were doing in a Senatorial Apartment building at 3:15 in the morning. If they ask, I’m visiting the famous Bebbisun Bakery. Bennison? BELLASAN. I’m visiting the Bellasan Bakery.

Actually, anyone getting into the elevator this early was probably also doing the walk of shame so it’s probably fi-KRIFFING SITH SPIT THAT’S

“Master Windu!” Anakin cleared his throat, trying to lower his voice an octave. “Good- Good Morning!”

Windu’s eyes widened almost imperceptibly. “Ah. Knight Skywalker. Good morning to you as well,” he replied, stepping in the elevator, doors closing behind.

The lift descended as Anakin’s heart rate skyrocketed. This was it. Windu had to be here for Anakin. What other possible explanation could there be? WHY WASN’T HE SAYING ANYTHING?

Wait.

What other possible explanation...could...why wasn’t he saying ANYTHING?

Anakin scrutinized Master Windu out of the corner of his eye. Were those...the same robes he was wearing yesterday? They looked like the same robes but then again...pretty much all robes looked the same so this was probably a stupid way to figure things out. Fuck, it was too early for this.

Unsurprisingly, he couldn’t get a sense of the Master’s surface emotions. But his underlying aura seemed...happy? Typically Windu's serene presence had a tinge of righteous fury (something that had frightened him back when he was a child). But now that ever present vaapad edge was... softened? Anakin wracked his tired brain for a more reasonable explanation than- than the obvious but obviously impossible. He had to projecting. Right? Then again...couplings weren’t forbidden (even if Anakin couldn’t quite understand how people enjoyed just- having sex without any attachment).

The corners of Anakin’s lips twitched. The Master of the Order. Getting laid. Master Windu. In the Senatorial apartments. Mace Windu. What level had he gotten on? Above aides...diplomats probably. Should he ask? Force, this was too good- he couldn’t not ask.

Windu stared at him cooly and the knight instantly sobered. What was he thinking? Windu was obviously trying to trick him! If he said anything, Windu would turn it against him! Well, he wouldn’t be fooled so easily. Anakin spent the next several levels of descent staring forward, determined not to be the one to break the silence. 

He was so focused that he didn’t notice the lift slowing prematurely again until the doors opened; an elderly Rodian hobbled in. The two Jedi moved even further apart to allow the man some space.  The lift closed and newcomer glanced at the humans curiously. 

“Aren’t you Jedi? What are two Jedi doing here so early?”

“Bakery,” Mace and Anakin responded in unison, heads snapping to stare at the other in surprise.

The Rodian chuckled. “Oh, that Bellasan place, right?”

“Yes,” Windu replied smoothly. “They have a famously unique caf blend.”

“And you can’t get Sweesonberry rolls anywhere else,” Anakin added quickly, not letting the opportunity to firm up his cover go to waste.

“You mammals and your carbohydrates,” The elderly reptilian clucked, bemused.

Knight Skywalker and Master Windu exchanged wary looks. The door pinged open on level 4848. 

“Enjoy!” the overly entertained Rodian called out as they stepped out from the closing doors.

Anakin cleared his throat. “After you, Master Windu,” he said politely. CHECKMATE FUCKER.

But Windu just nodded serenely, striding confidently ahead, past the checkpoints and into the attached upper-crust market. After a very short walk, Anakin found himself in line behind Mace Windu at a pastry shop in the basement of his wife’s apartment building.

Anakin blearily thought that sentence through again, then subtly pinched the inside of his arm.

Nope, he was awake.

Every second that passed Anakin had to fight the steadily increasing urge to blurt out something stupid, and possibly incriminating, if not both. Just say something bland! Nothing about why they’re both here so early. Nothing about coming here before. Something casual.

“Smells good,” Anakin said.

Nailed it!

“Indeed,” Mace replied.

I’m a genius! He actually thinks I’m here for the bakery! He’s never going to suspect a thing! He was probably here for some boring pre-dawn meeting, and now I’ve got the perfect excuse to come visit Padme whenever! I can probably start sneaking off more often, I’ve just got to remember to bring back a pasty or something. And he can’t even say shit about un-Jedi like consumption!

“Skywalker-”

Oh no. Please be about the bakery. Pleasebeaboutthe

“Believe me when I tell you that I’d rather not ask-”

Oh NO. THIS ISN’T GOING TO BE ABOUT THE BAKERY. I’M AN IDIOT.

“-But did you fly here in a temple speeder?”

Cold sweat started to trickle down Anakin’s back as they shuffled forward automatically in the surprisingly long queue. Guess that’s why Padme woke me up so early.

“Knight Skywalker? Did you hear me?”

“Yes, Master Windu, sorry- I was, uh, distracted by the specials board. I, um, have my own hoverbike. Built it myself. No temple resources involved.”

“Sounds...distinctive.” Windu’s tone seemed neutral, but the way he pinched the bridge of his nose was obviously irritated. They stepped forward again. Why are so many people at this bakery so early? Guess we’re far enough down that day/night cycles don’t matter so much. Oh kriff, he’s massaging his temples now. Why is he mad about the bike? Is he going to ask where I landed it? Fuck.

Anakin swallowed the lump in his throat. “I- I thought it would be better to take personal property. Since this isn’t exactly order business.”

“That’s very responsible of you. Such...separation of personal from professional is an important skill for a Jedi.” 

The trickle of sweat down his spine increased. The Chosen One discretely wiped his sweaty palms on the inside of his sleeves and prayed that his outer robe was hiding any growing pit stains. 

Are we...actually talking about this? Is he going to admit to having an affair? Is he going to tell me to keep this quiet? I CAN BARELY KEEP MY OWN RELATIONSHIP SECRET! Does he know about Padme? Does he know we’re married? Is this conversation still about the bakery visit? Is HE married?

“However...such a vehicle might not be the most discrete. And discretion is also an important skill.”

Is he giving me permission to use the temple landspeeders to visit padme? Is he telling me to take the bus? WAIT! IS THIS A METAPHOR? Is he telling me to come here less? Is this still about the bakery? Did I actually check that I wasn’t still asleep or did I just dream that I checked?

“Do you understand, Knight Skywalker”

“I- uhh. I mean- well, ummm- OH look, it’s your turn to order!”

Master Windu stepped up to the counter. 

“Hello, again! Same as last time?”

OH FORCE GODS HE’S A REGULAR. THIS IS IT. I’M NEVER GOING TO GET TO SEE OBI-WAN OR ASHOKA AGAIN AND PADME’S CAREER IS GOING TO BE RUINED AND

“The same blend please, but please add on one of your Sweesonberry rolls- a friend recommended them.”

...Did Mace Windu just call me his friend?

“Excellent choice! Your friend has good taste!”

Mace Windu stepped to the side and Anakin Skywalker stepped up. “...I’ll have what he had.” 

A minute or two later, they were walking back to the lift, matching disposamugs and flimsibags in hand. 

To try and delay the inevitable, the pale and now very sweaty young Jedi took a sip of caf. He raised both brows involuntary. “This is...really good. Holy kriff. I don’t usually drink caf for the flavor but...wow.”

“Worth the trip?” Windu asked. Anakin choked a little but successfully managed to swallow. He took another sip to avoid answering. 

Windu took a bite of his roll, making a small noise of appreciation, “The pastry is also excellent. I don’t have much of a sweet tooth but this is remarkably smooth...I can’t say I’ve ever had anything quite like it.”

“Floral, right?” Anakin said, grinning into his cup. 

“Yes, that’s a good description.” Ha! I told Padme I was paying attention.

They drank companionably as the lift indicator dinged closer. 

“Skywalker...you’re parked on 4970, right?”

The knight nodded, too afraid to speak. The force seemed to swirl at the precipice of something. 

The Master sighed. “Look- I’ve got an unregistered van- this one time only, stow the speeder, and I’ll give you a ride back. If you’re visiting the bakery in the future- please take something with a closed cab. Last thing we need is the tabloids wondering where you’re going...”

Anakin nodded again, more eagerly again. He was practically being given permission to visit Padme! That was totally worth an excruciatingly awkward flight back to the temple! He just had to chew slowly so he couldn’t blurt out anything marriage related! He was a genius!

The lift opened.

“Jar-Jar!” Anakin said, surprised and pleased. “Wow, are you also here for the bakery? This place really is popular!”

“Ani! Little Ani! Wassa you doin here?” Jar-Jar looked around wildly, then stumbled out, foot catching at the gap. Windu darted forward and effortlessly saved the Gungan before he hit the floor, while Anakin stuck his arm forward to catch the closing door.

“Bakery, Jar Jar!” he said as he stepped inside. “I’d love to talk, but we’ve actually got to get back to the temple!”

Windu struggled to untangle himself from Jar-Jar, who was being particularly unhelpful about it, even for him. Wow he’s even clingier than usual this early in the morning. It’s nice how patient Master Windu is being; I feel like even Obi-Wan can be too hard on Jar-Jar sometimes.

“Actually Skywalker, why don’t you go on ahead and stow the bike- I just remembered I meant to pick something up for Council; I won’t take long.”

“Uh. Alright,” Anakin said, catching the keys. I guess I can’t really be late if I arrive with Master Windu.

“Ossa no!” Jar-Jar exclaimed sadly. “I was justa saying to Macey lassa night thatsa I missed talkin wit little Ani!”

Anakin smiled reassuringly as the lift began to close. “Don’t worry Jar-Jar! We’ll- catch uh-HOLD ON did you say LAST NIGHT?!”

Mace’s eyes closed in resignation as the door shut on the pair, Jar-Jar still tangled around the Jedi.

AND MACE WASN’T EVEN TRYING TO PUT HIM BACK UPRIGHT ANYMORE HOLY KRIFF JUST PUT THAT TOGETHER.

Anakin stared blankly at the metal walls as they rushed past. The lone Jedi Knight took a long sip of caff, then carefully placed the pastry bag and drink on the floor. He systematically wadded up the sleeve of his robe and shoved in his mouth. He then spent the next few minutes squealing with unholy glee while literally bouncing off the walls in a manner only accessible to a force sensitive in an elevator. He was still panting slightly when the lift opened on the primary parking level.

We can double date! Padme and I can host! I can help Mace and Jar-Jar plan their wedding! We can reform the order to allow for romantic love! I can be Jar-Jar’s best man! Padme and I can have another ceremony and Obi-Wan can give me away while Mace officiates and  and then we’ll all have sweesonbury cake and Jar-Jar can help teach our kids how to swim! 

With those dreamy thoughts running through his mind, it was child’s work to follow the the force to the unremarkable hovervan. He was humming to himself when Master Windu opened the door. 

He beamed at the older Jedi. Windu scowled in reply. Anakin smiled wider, unintimidated. He genuinely liked the Gungan, but anyone who could spend hours with Jar-Jar had to have a soft side.

“You know, Jar-Jar is a long time friend of Senator-”

“No.” Windu cut the eager words brusquely. 

Anakin shrank back, a little hurt.

(Maybe a lot hurt.)

Mace glanced over at the obviously crestfallen young General and sighed before amending his words.

“Not- Not right now, alright? Maybe if you’re miraculously more discrete about this than you are about your affection for Senator Amidala, then we can talk, understood?”

Anakin nodded with absolute determination, glimmering images of fairytale weddings visible once more. Distant, perhaps- but the chance was worth any amount of tongue biting. Now that there was a real, possible future where he could have it all, now that he knew Windu had a heart somewhere under his robes- he could be patient. 

He could be very patient.

Anakin calmed his grin down to a smaller, more Jedi-like smile, taking a sip of the cool but still really good caf. He channeled Obi-Wan’s most neutral diplomatic grace.

“Thank you for the ride, Master Windu. I appreciate it.”

Windu gave him an approving glance. “You’re more than welcome, Knight Skywalker.”

Feeling bold, he continued on with his best non-mocking impression of Obi-Wan.

"Have you had a chance to read the latest report on helmet redesigns? I think they might really improve peripheral vision without compromising concussive resistance.”

Mace hummed thoughtfully. “I have. I’m somewhat concerned about deploying such a radical change mid-campaign. Even better gear requires an adjustment period, and I’d rather minimize needless deaths while the troops readjust to hud flow.”

“Yes, that’s a reasonable concern, I was talking to Captain Rex-”

They spent the remainder of the flight chatting comfortably about troop safety and absentmindedly eating (or possibly stress eating in response to the prolonged absence of interpersonal conflict) the box of pastries Mace had picked up. When they arrived at the temple, they divvied up the remainder between them, quietly agreeing that there weren’t enough to share anyway. 

They continued their conversation, Master Windu accompanying him to the orbital loading bay. 

Obi-Wan rushed over in alarm at the sight of them approaching. “Anakin, there you are- I was starting to wonder if you’d make it. Terribly sorry Master Windu- I hope he wasn’t too much of a bother-”

“He’s not your padawan anymore, you don’t have to apologize for him. Though I do appreciate the reflex.”

“I suppose the concern isn’t completely baseless.” Anakin said, tone deliberately mildly. Mace chuckled slightly and Obi-Wan took a step back, slightly frightened by the sudden camaraderie. Anakin pretended to take a sip from his now empty disposamug to avoid fist pumping the air or cheering.

“I- Yes well- the important thing is you’re here in time for departure. What- what is that in the bag.”

Moment of Truth. Don’t freak out. Focus. Prove you can be discrete, THEN double dates, THEN Jedi Wedding Ceremony.

“Sweesonbury Roll,” Anakin answered placidly. He pretended to take another sip of caf. “Master Windu was kind enough to give me a ride from the bakery.”

“That’s- I’m sorry, what?” Anakin bit the inside of cheek to keep himself from reacting to Obi-Wan’s palpable bewilderment.

“I had to double back and get more, but we came straight here after,” Mace added helpfully, with zero hint of intentional mischief. “Oh and Skywalker- you can call me Mace if we’re not discussing temple business.”

Anakin SCREAMED (internally, of course). Outwardly, he simply bowed politely. “And you’re welcome to call me Anakin, of course.”

He deliberately avoided looking directly at Obi-Wan, his former Master’s bug-eyed reaction already pushing him to the edge, even just visible as it was out of the corner of his eye.

Windu nodded in return. “Safe travels you two. May the force with you.”

“And with you.” Anakin replied.

“May the force be with you,” Obi-Wan rushed to say, after a short delay.

Master Windu turned and exited the cargo bay doors. Anakin threw out the mug in a nearby bin, pulling out a roll and biting into it before turning to face Obi-Wan. They made eye-contact, each waiting for the other to break first. Usually that would be Anakin, but he had goals now. The Knight chewed. His Master’s eyes narrowed. The older man (who may have aged significantly in the last 5 minutes) finally broke.

“Who are you?”

Anakin just sighed, maintaining the Kenobi impression. “Come on Master, we don’t want to keep the troops waiting.” With that, he walked forward, hiding his smile as Obi-Wan followed closely at his heels. 

“Since when does my apprentice visit bakeries with Mace Windu?” Obi-Wan asked, almost desperately.

“You’re making it sound like a bigger deal than it is.” 

Master Kenobi sputtered as the pair opened the airlock for the short-range shuttle. 

Anakin mustered up an earnest smile. “Master? Would you mind flying- I’m still eating and-”

Obi-Wan made an incoherent noise of horrified outrage before fumbling for his communicator. 

“What are you doing?”

“NOTHING IS MAKING SENSE RIGHT NOW. EITHER YOU AND MACE NEED TO GO TO THE HEALING HALLS OR I DO!”

Anakin burst out laughing. “Relax Obi-Wan, I’m messing with you, holy shit. Obviously I’m flying.”

Obi-Wan slumped into the co-pilot seat, rubbing at his eyes. “Don’t do that Anakin! My nerves are stretched thin enough by the war as it is-”

“Sorry, Sorry!”

They strapped in and took off, Anakin still chuckling occasionally, Obi-Wan scowling in irritation each time. 

They ascended above the towering skyline alongside the first rays of sunlight.

“So you didn’t go to a bakery with Master Windu this morning?”

“Uhh-”

[dzifasblog]

Chapter 4

Read from Chapter 3

It would be a bit of a stretch to say no one had ever rejected me . Yet, it did not happen often and it did not happen when I like like someone. Not only was I rejected but I was also friend zoned. Which is crazy because I usually did the zoning. Everything comes back full circle indeed. It had been a week since I had my ego bruised and I have to say, I was being a big girl about it. With Darcy's friend shooting the cheer "movie", she was left alone a lot of the time. Time she usually spent with me....because we're friends now.

Kill me now!!

Not that I don't enjoy her company. Au contraire, being near her all the time. Listening to her silly jokes, hearing her laugh and the way she would get pa Her boyfriend is one lucky bitch.

I was currently sitting in the house's common room, making use of the uncharacteristic quiet. Seemed like there was some party I was not invited to because the whole house was almost empty. It didn't bother me much; but as time ticked on and Darcy still hadn't made an appearance I became more and more curious.

Darcy did not strike me as a party girl. and her friend could not have dragged her because she had a meeting with Mimi today. (Yes I had learnt the schedule to see what times I could be with Darcy, yes I am a simp.) It took everything in me not to barge out and go look for Darcy: 1. We hadn't made any plans and 2. It would be plain weird. So I stayed my ass in the chair.

A couple of minutes after trying to focus of the copy of Shakespeare in my hand. The door to the common room burst open to reveal Kaitlyn, one of the girls in the opposite dorm. Putting her hands on her knees (thot shit), she tried catching her breath.

"Boys, " she panted. "The boys are here."

So this is why she ran?

All of a sudden it hit me. Darcy hadn't ditched me, she was busy with her boyfriend. I wasn't sure how to feel about that. On one hand, she hadn't ditched me and that gave me semblance of peace(??) And on the other hand she was with her boyfriend, someone who I didn't need to see to hate.

I was so engrossed in weighing the pros and cons of my love life. (if you can even call it that) That I hadn't realized Kaitlyn had been speaking until Darcy's name came up.

"What did you say about Darcy, sorry I'm hard of hearing" I needed to not come of as too curious.

"Her boyfriend came in a car and brought her a bouquet of flowers," Kaitlyn swooned.

"How do you know that?" It wasn't strange for guys to bring presents to their girlfriend. But I doubt Darcy announced it to the whole school.

"He came in a car, with his friends. He's like a year older," Kaitlyn spoke so animatedly. "He got out of the car with this huge ass bouquet and got on one knee and everything." After narrating the story complete with hand gestures. she fell onto the chair opposite me with all the drama of a Disney princess.

"How romantic," I deadpanned.

"I know right" Kaitlyn sighed completely oblivious to the sarcasm. "I wish someone would do that for me." Men would do the bare minimum and hetero girls would swoon. The bar was in the absolute pits of hell. Also, I doubt Darcy liked all the fanfare around the bouquet of flowers and their delivery. I needed to go see all this for myself.

Standing up I dusted imaginary dust of myself and moved to put the book back in its place. Kaitlyn was still sprawled in the chair with a goofy smile on her face. I do not know what would have happened if she been the one to get flowers. I wanted to say goodbye to her but I doubt she would have heard it over her self-excitement, so I made my way out of the room.

I had not made it far when I heard someone calling my name. I turned to find my longtime friend and partner in crime Robin jogging towards me.

"Where the hell have you been? I've been looking for your bitch ass everywhere." Robin and I had been friends for as long as I can remember. Our mothers had been bestfriends and roommates in the same sorority house. Our friendship was a given. We lived on the same street, went to the same school and did almost everything together.

We even came out together, him as bisexual and me, as lesbian. This broke our parents who had hoped we would end up together hearts but they got over it. Or at least I think they did.

Ignoring his question, I asked one of my own. "Why is my school crawling with degenerates from your school?"

"Wait you didn't know?" He furrowed his eyebrows in genuine confusion. "We're having some lame ice breaker. Never wrote to you cause I thought this was something you'd have been all over."

"I've been busy," I shrugged.

"Busy doing what?"

"You knowww....this and that" He looked confused. I wanted so desperately to share this whole Darcy thing with someone else but the thought scared me. I don't know what of, but the thought of another person knowing terrified me. Maybe it was the shame of being friend zoned.

"Is it a girl?"

"Wh..what...no" Hesitating and stuttering through your answer is never a good thing. I cast my eyes to the ground to avoid Nico's.

"Uh huh" Was all he said, not buying my bull.  "You know what I think?..." I didn't get to find out what he thought because just then the loud revving of a motorcycle cut through the air, demanding everybody's attention. I looked down to the park in front of out hostel to see one big motorcycle flanked by two smaller ones. I guess the big one belonged to the head honcho.

"Ghost riders," Robin said, coming to stand beside me. "Ninja name, trash guys."

I giggled at that. "I'm guessing they don't tickle your fancy." I teased.

Robin just rolled his eyes at me. "They are bad news, like really really bad news. Like gang shit, and not in a cool fun way but in an you could probably get killed way." My brows shot up at his statement. Gangs were nothing new but high schoolers in a gang would be pretty bad. Imagine being this hormonal and having the equipment necessary to kill.

"That sounds bad,"

"Bad? Try awful. I stay 5 feet away from them all the damn time, I will not be caught up in any of their shit. Not even by accident." Robin was usually very dramatic but something told me he wasn't exaggerating.

Suddenly, the girls seemed to burst out in cheers, I looked down to see the head honcho lip locking with Darcy.

My Darcy! My grip on the railing tightened hard, and I tried leaning forward to get a better look but I felt a hand pull me back. I turned ready to give Robin a piece of my mind before catching myself. Did I really like Darcy enough to yell at Robin?

Robin had one eyebrow arched at me. "I know I said some stuff but you look ready to end him"

I cast one more look at the park and grabbed Robin's hand and started dragging him to the common room where no one would see or hear us. There I spilled my guts about everything till now. Robin sat there quietly listening to me ramble on and on. It felt good to get it all out.  When I was done, he had a very Joker like smile on his face and for once I was grateful he would eventually have to leave.

"I've seen a lot of strange things in my day," he started. "But I have never seen anyone get under your skin so fast."

"You don't get it, she's just amazing" I argued.

"Look at you with heart eyes," Robin teased. I punched him in the arm. "Stop it"

"Ok, ok," he laughed. "Look, I know you think you've met the love of your life but you might want to pace yourself a little. I mean do you really know this girl? Like know know her? She was kissing one of the ghosts for crying out loud."

"I know her," Sort of. "I know she would never be mixed up in some illegal shit." Robin had raised some good points but I knew Darcy would never get mixed in any illegal activities. Or would she?

"How do you know?" Robin asked

"I....I just do, ok?" But did I?

"All things you know about Darcy are very surface level things-"

"I wouldn't consider knowing the way she looks when she comes surface level," I interrupted.

Robin shot me a look but continued anyway. "Why don't you take sometime to get to know her better, like where she's from and where she met her terrible boyfriend." He was right, I knew he was right and judging from the look on his face, he knew that I knew he was right. "Besides," he continued. "You and her are not together so use this friend zone wisely."

"Gah, fine." I hated playing the waiting game, I'm not known for my patience.

"Good," Robin pat my head. " Let's go, I need to get back to school as soon as possible."

"Alright" With that we left the common room and made our way downstairs. I walked Robin over to his ride, a 6'5 muscular guy I was 85% sure he was fucking. "See ya later, alligator." Robin yelled as the car took off.

"You're such a loser." I yelled back as the car disappeared behind the gates.

[forallyourikemensengokuneeds]

Secret santa present

Title: Carving a Tradition

Fandom: IkeSen

Suitor: Masamune

To: @selenecrawford

From: @darkmindsthinktwistedthoughts

A/N: Happy Holidays my dear. I how you have a time as rewarding and joyful as this tale.

--

The hall was perfect. It had taken a lot of work and the enlistment of almost half of the castle staff to pull it off but the main audience hall of Oshu Castle was finally looking a lot like a modern-day Christmas.

It was hard to locate the items she had in mind but thankfully she was going out with a guy who’s name not only opened doors but the ability to acquire and procure the things she wanted. Small paper lanterns had taken the place of fairy lights. Intricately cut paper became fine decorations attached to folded paper garlands in festive shades and was hung around the room, draped over the original ornamentation of the building.

The Lord of the castle was cloistered away in the kitchens working on variations of the dishes she had described to him as a traditional feast. This was something he had most looked forward too during their discussions on the holiday so it was no surprise when he announced Oshu would have its own winter festival and he was preparing a feast for everyone.

There was one item that she had had her heart set on. The focal point of the celebration as far as she was concerned. A tree. It had been a request that she entrusted to her friend Sasuke. Being from the future as well, she felt if anyone could find a tree closest to the one she desired, it would be him. A 10-foot-high spruce that apparently had a complicated scientific name making it sound like it had more of an education than she did was the result. Swathes of thin fabric clung to the branches along with paper cranes and tiny fans. Yes, today was going to be the day that she could reveal her creation to her boyfriend. Just one last finishing touch…

“Hey Kitten you got a minute I need you to try this dish for me!”

Balanced on a chair attempting to attach a star to the top of the tree the Princess stopped in her actions after hearing Masa drawing closer in the hallway.

“Masa? I told you, you couldn’t come in till I said so!” She called out as she adjusted herself to get down.

“I know that and I’m not coming in I was just going to open the door a little and get you to try this food.” After saying this the large sliding door began to move. She rushed towards them imagining that they would somehow open completely if she didn’t, but before she could take more than a few steps disaster struck. 20 lbs of furry chaos flew past her as it rocketed through the small gap in the doors making its way towards the biggest and most fun looking thing in the room.

“NO!”

A loud creaking announced the inevitable ground-shaking crash as the 10-foot tree was knocked flat to the ground as if it had been hit by a truck. The paper ornaments scattered to the four corners, which only served to entertain the Tiger cub more as he then took it as a fun idea to begin chasing them as if they were falling leaves in the garden.

The Princess’s cry had Masa cursing under his breath as he broke his word and pushed the doors open as wide as he could with one hand the other resting on the hilt of his sword as if he was waiting for an attacker to present themselves. His eye roamed the room not really taking in any of the decorations until it settled on the impudent kit mauling at something that looked very much like the things Mc had been making in her room. Balls of string, paper origami shapes…

“Shogetsu you bad cat get back here now!” He chastised the cub but it was all too late. The branches of the once decorated tree were crushed and broken on one side. The decorations were all in different variations of broken, unravelled and chewed. It was a disaster.

Mc moved in slow motion as she made her way to the fallen symbol. Her hand trembled a little as she picked up one of the fabric ornaments she had made especially. It had two small figures on it and one large cat. The text “Our first Christmas” was embroidered on it. She didn’t know if she wanted to laugh, scream or cry.

“Hey… Mc? Mc? I have been calling you for the last few minutes and you haven’t said a thing.” Masa placed his hand on her shoulder attempting to get her to look at him and when she did, he thought his heart was going to stop. Her eyes were glazed over, unfocused with unshed tears. The emotions flickering like a candle in the darkness were moving rapidly unable to settle on any one single reaction. “Kitten?”

“I’m sorry Masa. I just wanted to show you what a real Christmas looked like and I failed.” Her voice was small and weak. It hadn’t been her fault and yet she was taking all the blame. It was so like her. Her kind heart was one of the things he loved about her. Loved and hated. She could have stood to be a little more selfish at times. He would have given her everything. He still would give her everything. Wrapping her in his arms he watched as the tiger left the room oblivious to the aftermath of turmoil it had created.

“Come on Mc it’s not the end of the world. We can get another tree.”

“No, we can’t.” Her voice was muffled in his chest but he could still hear the stifled pain in it.

“Why not?” He pulled back a little so he could see her. He didn’t really understand why this was so important but it clearly was otherwise she wouldn’t be so upset. And if it was important to her then it was important to him too.

“Masa it’s Christmas Eve. There is no way we can get a new tree here from the same place we found this one in one night. It’s impossible. I mean it took 3 days to get this one here.” She sounded defeated and not at all like the girl he knew. Her shoulders were rounded as she slumped with her mood.

“Hey now.” He took his hand and tilted her chin to look at him. “Are you forgetting who your boyfriend is? You want a tree I’ll get you a tree. There is no such thing as impossible.”

“But—”

“No but’s. You just wait, Kitten. I’ll fix this.”

-

It was around noon in the castle by the time the real buzz started to hit a fever pitch. Everyone had been invited by Masa to attend the party and so naturally all members of staff were dressed up in their finery. They still insisted on helping with serving for rest of the guests but there was no doubt that the idea of dressing up had put them all in a festive mood.

The one person who had been the most excited now looked to be the most miserable. Mc had sat in her room attempting to make new decorations for a tree that no longer existed and glancing over at her fabric bauble. The tragic look on her face didn’t change or shift no matter how much time had passed. This was bad. An unhappy Princess meant an unhappy Masa and that was no one’s idea of fun.

It was about the eighth time she had tried to fold some paper when she finally gave up and stopped forcing herself to try to march on. Masa had been kind and sweet as always in his support of her but this was something different and she was not sure how he would manage to keep his word this time.

*Knock, knock*

“Kitten? It’s me.”

“I’m not very good company right now Masa. I have to prepare for the party as well.” She tried to brush off his visit to gain some time to prepare herself. She needed time to correct her mood before she saw anyone.

“Don’t worry bout any of that all you need to do is turn up. But I really need you right now Mc. I have to get you to check things for me so I can tell if I did a good job or not?” He sounded like a pleading child. But he also said he needed her. It was those words that had her moving automatically to greet him. Suppressing a groan, she got up from the floor and tottered to the door. Masa was standing on the other side as lively as ever.

“What am I checking?”

“Come with me I’ll show you.”

They walked in silence to the scene of the crime. Mc’s heart lurched at the memory. She knew it sounded silly to be so emotional over a tree for one day of the year but there was so little here that felt like her modern-day roots that she had become a little emotional.

“Ok now. I don’t really know what it was supposed to look like but I think I did it.” He said as he paused by the doors.

“What did you do?”

“The impossible.” There was a twinkle in his eye that she loved.

“Masa….”

“Hey don’t look at me like Yoshi does I didn’t do anything bad. Just open the door if you don’t believe me.” Masa grumbled whilst encouraging her to slide the door.

Inside was the same room now tidy and free from tiger attack signs. The decorations that hadn’t been broken were all being used to decorate the tables and raised seating. But that wasn’t what caught her eye. In the centre of the room where there had once been a majestic spruce there now stood a tree carved into shape made out of ice.

Her eyes followed the surface of it the limbs were all separate levels but also had incredible looking carved decorations on its surface. It sparkled in the lamp lights making it look as though it was covered in glittering stars.

“Masa… y-you did this?”

“Of course.” He said proudly puffing out his chest a little whilst still nervously checking her reactions. “Do you like it, Kitten?”

She turned to him and immediately dragged him into a tight embrace.

“Like it? Masa I love it! I had no idea you could carve like that.” Mc pointed at the ice sculpture. Her face was beaming a pure and natural smile. He felt like he could breathe again for the first time.

“Sure, it was just like carving that root vegetable for Halloween.” He shrugged trying to play it cool and hoping she would ignore the heat growing on his cheeks as he had a sudden thought about just how adorable she was.

“Why did you?”

“For you Kitten. I know you wanted to make this the best Christmas ever for me but I also wanted to be able to do something for you too. I realise Shogetsu playing with the tree was unplanned but I’m still a little happy he did that because now I can say I helped too.” He admitted his own small shameful truth a little happy to have it off his chest.

“Masa… you always help me. I was just trying to do the bits I could do because you were doing so much in the kitchen.”

“Well now, aren’t we a pair?”

“Sure are.”

“Do you like the tree Kitten?”

“Yes. I think everyone should have one.”

“Ha-ha that’s great but I don’t think I have enough ice to make that dream come true for you this year.” His laughter reverberated in the room, filling it with the first round of joy it would see for the night.

“It is missing something though.” Taking the ornament from her sleeve she placed it next to the ice tree. “There. Now it’s perfect.”

“Agreed.” Masa kissed her brow looking at the fabric ornament feeling his chest grow a little warmer. She was always cute but there were times she was so cute he genuinely thought he was going to overdose on her sweetness. “Merry Christmas Mc.”

“Merry Christmas Masa.”

--

[transbionic-shieldmaiden]

a really long post about my stupid HRT adventure

cw medical stuff, tumors.

context: there was a post about getting on HRT that I read but I decided this was too personal to go in a reblog. donut rebagel, but feel free to reply.

ohhhh man, so like obviously i’m glad other people have had a better time than I when it comes to getting on hrt but i really gotta rant about the issues i had, because I had a hell of a time getting it DESPITE NOT ACTUALLY RUNNING INTO GATEKEEPING. so, story time:

this got long, so have a read more.

So I have executive dysfunction, which I cannot recommend. For me at least it comes in a package deal with a bunch of plasticbrains things I’m very much a fan of (stims! hyperfocus! being trans!), but I’d still very much like to not deal with it. And I also have social anxiety. Which overall is not a great combination of issues for dealing with the medical system.

Case in point: figuring out I’m trans was the catalyst for getting me to actually seek therapy (at MIT medical, which -- sidenote -- is free for students and I can’t recommend them highly enough), but what this actually meant was I took basically an entire semester to make the phone call to get an appointment, which was scheduled for a month after the call*. So far so great.

Anyway, as my therapy continued I kept coming in and complaining about dysphoria and being like “man i wish i could start hrt! but i won’t, because that involves talking to strangers :(” and eventually my therapist was like “so like. regular medical, which can prescribe hrt, is literally one floor below us. i can walk you down and schedule an appointment right now.”

and i was like “uhhhh wait i didn’t actually want my problem solved that means i have to talk to strangers!!!” but like obviously this was the social anxiety talking because i did actually want hrt. so my therapist walked me down to medical and i scheduled an appointment with the one Trans Doctor (tee-em) at MIT medical (like seriously this woman is as far as I can tell the PCP for like half of MIT’s trans population, we stan).

so the way this worked out is I needed three appointments: one intake appointment which was largely informational, one appointment with a physical checkup and a blood draw, and finally an appointment once the blood draw results came in. So I went in to the firs appointment, scheduled the second once it was done, and then MIT medical stole my blood.

And when that appointment was done I...didn’t schedule the third.

Cue several months passing due to executive dysfunction and social anxiety.

So I finally get myself together enough to schedule the last appointment, and I go in...and it turns out I have abnormally low testosterone. And I was all ready to be like “Oh no...isn’t that a shame...how terrible...” but the problem is, low testosterone in conjunction with my other blood metrics...was possibly a sign of a brain tumor.

That sounds worse than it actually is -- the brain tumor in question would’ve been benign, so it wouldn’t have been cancer. It does occasionally lead to blindness however, and low testosterone from said tumor would obviously not be very visible once I was taking spironolactone. So we needed to make sure I didn’t have a tumor before we could proceed with HRT. I was sent to take another blood test, optimized for the time of day when testosterone levels peak, and was therefore in the strange situation of being a trans woman hoping for high testosterone levels on a blood test.

Alas, it seems I was truly too trans for my own good, for it turns out the second test was even lower than the first.

This meant I had to go in for another blood test, and I had to get an MRI. And of course remember that every appointment I make here means 3-5 weeks depending on scheduling, all while I’m engaging in the standard MIT pastime of drowning in psets. Which is not fun when you’re depressed from dysphoria, let me tell you.

The MRI rolls around and it’s in this area of the Boston metro area Where The T Dares Not Go. There’s a bus stop near the clinic, but I have only been on an MBTA bus once and I really didn’t want to miss my appointment. So I hop in a lyft and soon it’s time for me to go in the Big Science Tube.

So here’s the thing about the Big Science Tube. It’s loud, it’s cramped, and in my case at least you get pumped with Contrast Juice which like goes in your brain or something? idk i’m not an MRI tech. I actually found it to be a not entirely unpleasant experience, because it sort of feels like you’re in a cryosleep chamber or something and I’m a huge nerd. But it’s also...massively disorienting. You can’t move, your vision is limited to the inside surface of a white cylinder, the whole thing is making Noise and vibrating, there’s the Contrast Juice sloshing in your brain...Oh, and at least in my case they let me listen to satellite radio while i was vibing in the science tube. Thing is, I don’t generally like radio music, since I tend to like individual songs more than genres, so I picked the jazz station. I figured this would ensure fairly enjoyable music the whole time, instead of a weird roller-coaster of songs I like, songs I hate, and songs I haven’t heard (the vast majority).

While I stand by this analysis in general, I do not recommend jazz as the soundtrack to the big science tube.

All this is to say that by the time I got out, I was extremely out of it and loopy. Oh, I also forgot to mention: I did not sleep well the night before. My sleep schedule is a mess at the best of times, and I was very nervous. So I am...completely off the shits by this point, not to mention extremely hungry and thirsty. They tell you to drink a lot to flush the Contrast Juice from your system, so that works out OK. In theory.

I get out, stand by the bus station for a bit, and conclude the bus isn’t coming. I walk across the street to a McDonalds, figuring I could really use some food and liquid. Which was correct.

...Except the bus came and went while I was in there, and looking at the schedule on my phone revealed I’d have to wait another half an hour for another.

This is where I make a terrible mistake. I look at my map, see that Harvard...isn’t too far from where I am, and Harvard has a T station! Perfect! So I, completely loopy from the MRI, still dehydrated because I haven’t gotten nearly enough liquids from McDonalds, decide to WALK TO HARVARD. It was a 30 minute walk, through unfamiliar territory, and I cannot stress this enough: I. Was. Off. The. Shits.

So I walk to Harvard using my phone’s GPS and whatever brain cells were not full of Contrast Juice, somehow managing to navigate through this random neighborhood and over the bridge without getting too lost or getting hit by a car. As I reach Harvard, I realize that this is a bad place for me to be in my current mental state: it’s bustling, full of standard college craziness; i think there was a guy in a chocolate bar costume which I could not process at the time. Oh, and I’ve never been to the Harvard T station so in my condition I struggle to find it. And when I do get there...well, here’s the thing about the Harvard T station: It’s huge. There’s several floors of underground bus terminals and an absolute warren of tunnels. Perfectly navigable, if you’re sober or know the area.

I am of course none of these things.

Still, somehow I find my way to the train, but that wasn’t even the end of my problems! Because, you see, my dorm is twenty minutes from the nearest T stop! So even once I get back to MIT I still have lots of walking to do. I don’t remember how I got back at that point; I think it involved a lot of drinking fountains.

Anyway, I guess this was supposed to be about me getting HRT? So it takes a while for the MRI results to get back, but it turns out I don’t have a tumor. However, in the meantime my parents have been pushing for me to freeze some sperm cells, so that I can have kids someday. Here’s the thing: I do not want kids. I do not expect to ever want kids. And if that changes, I’d be quite happy to adopt kids. But my parents are offering to pay for it, and the risk-averse part of my brain is like “oh...maybe i should do it...just in case???”

It takes me a month to actually call a fertility clinic. In the meantime, I am struggling in my classes; dysphoria is not conducive to educational success. It was not a good time to be me, let’s just put it that way. Finally, I make the call, and uhhhh it turns out sperm freezing is really expensive? And you have to go in for an intake appointment...then do some tests...and then...

So at this point I say, fuck it! And I get on HRT the next week. In total it took me like...a year to get on HRT, depending on how you count it? And all this without anyone actually gatekeeping me on being an Invalid Trans or whatever. But it’s all good, because now I’m far happier and more together than I ever thought I can be. The moral of this story is: HRT good, executive dysfunction bad, and don’t wander through Harvard while completely off the shits from MRI aftereffects.

*this is the one issue with MIT medical; their services are great but also in high demand. the system is a bit better once you actually get into it though.

[islamicrays]

I'm tired. He is tired. We were both hungry. The kids were loud.... anyone who has been married for awhile knows where this is going, right?

I'm going to show you what Fearless Vulnerability looks like in turning around a grump-session!

My husband told me dinner was ready. I wasn't feeling well so he took over making dinner and getting it on the table. Relieved, I finished something off for work I needed to get done.

But then he called me a second time. His voice sounded irritated.

I got irritated.

"Why is he calling me like that?" was my knee jerk reaction thought.

Instantly, I checked in with my feelings. Why did I feel so upset?

I'll tell you why.

I could have just sat there with my reaction to the tone of his voice.

But instead I recognized my strong reaction was because I felt guilty having asked him to take care of getting dinner on the table. I felt guilt sitting in my chair "doing nothing" because I wanted to take care of my family.

No...that's not quite it.

I dug more....

I was feeling guilty because I was at a conference for several days and then worked all day yesterday. (Serving my lovely clients from this beautiful WOJ community may I add!)

I hadn't been there serving them for several days in a row.

Here it comes. WHOOOOOSH. Another wave of guilt.

Forget the fact that I am with my family everyday and homeschooling two of my four kids but parenting all of them!

No...guilt says that taking a few days break from that for a conference makes me a terrible wife and mother.

Shame on me!

Ugh.

Ok, so there was the next layer of truth. I wasn't done yet.

I finally came to the table but instead of responding with my layer of truth I realized another feeling was coming to the surface.

Hurt.

I was feeling hurt that he didn't just recognize how tired I was and how I wasn't feeling well. I felt hurt that he would speak to me with a tone of voice that sounded judgy and irritated.

I mean.. I was coming!

But guess what....

GUESS WHAT!!!

Ladies, I want you all to pay attention to this.

Because everyone I coach gets stuck right there. Right there in their feelings and knee jerk reactions.

Let's look at the facts on the ground:

1) My husband took care of dinner.

2) My husband invited me to the table.

So far, we've got two actions that show love and support. No comments about me not cooking, not helping, about me sitting, or even working. Zero. Total acceptance and obvious recognition that I was tired.

Ok....but what was that tone of voice? I had such a strong reaction to the tone! I couldn't help the initial reaction.

When I finally told him that my feelings were hurt from his tone of voice and that I was now also swimming in an ocean of guilt his response was, "I didn't even realize how my voice sounds. I'm tired myself. It was a long day. I'm sorry. You've nothing to feel guilty about! "

Oh.

Why am I not just *knowing* that?

"I just wanted you to join me at the table so we could all eat together. That's why I called you the second time."

Yeah, the knife in the heart moment.

Why, you may be asking, didn't I, the "master relationship coach" over here not just know all of this automatically?

I'll tell you why.

I.Am.Drop.Dead.Exhausted.Today.

It's just one of those days and I admit I didn't get enough sleep last night.

When I'm tired, I am not my best self.

When ANYONE is tired they aren't their best selves, right?

I fell asleep on my coach while my eight year old was reading to me out loud from Charlotte's Web. I never sleep in the daytime. Even when I want to take a nap, I usually can't.

But today, I knocked out for 20 minutes waking up in a groggy grumpy state.

But you know what I did do even while feeling groggy and tired?

I worked Fearless Vulnerability.

I held my feelings and thoughts accountable. I honored how I felt, and I also explored my reactions.

After a few minutes, I told me husband not just my hurt, but my guilt, my doubts about myself - all of it. I resisted responding to just the knee jerk feelings.

Imagine if I didn't check in with myself and be fully honest about what was going on inside of me. Where could this dialogue have gone?

What might it has turned in to?

Two tired, hungry people.... not being vulnerable with themselves or each other.... <-- that has the potential to be a disaster.

At the end of the day, the entire "dinner drama" of my night lasted a few minutes, was solved with a conversation, but mostly the realization that I need some solid sleep.

Yes to the SLEEP!

Few things to learn:

1) Never underestimate the power of being tired or hungry to bring out the grumpy side of yourself or your spouse.

2) Make space foe each other to not be perfect all the time.

3) Apologize when you've hurt someone even when unintentionally.

4) Fearless Vulnerability is a method that asks you to fine 3 levels of truth. In many situations of conflict, there are often 3 truths happening within you all at the same time. Know them and. you can resolve things much faster and more effectively.

5) Be gentle with yourself. I am not perfect. I know that. What matters is that I work hard to *be* my best self as often as I can.

6) Everyone has different sensitivities. What irritates you might not irritate your spouse or any other women in our WOJ community. Honor your feelings. Don't judge them or compare them to anyone else.

7) Rahmah is important in a relationship. Life is long and the journey is hard and some days are just those kind of days.... Have gentleness with each other, give each other some space, and start over the next day.

Keep us in your du'a! Thanks for being here and letting me be vulnerable with you too. ❤

I know I've got plenty of formally or currently sleep deprived ladies on here! If you totally understand what I mean by "those kind of days..." send me some love with some ❤️❤️🙌🏻🙌🏻

Via Wives of Jannah

[repost-this-image]

Stim Toy Review: Chewable Annular Pendant and Chewelry Case (from Stimtastic)

**All images are from stimtastic.co product descriptions on their website.**

I have ADHD, and have had a powerful need to chew for as long as I can remember.  After being shamed out of chewing on pencils, I spent YEARS chewing on either gum, or the inside of my own mouth (ouch!) to satisfy this urge.  I would also grind my teeth at night, which wore them down badly.

Even with near-constant gum-chewing, I wasn’t really getting satisfaction for that urge to chew.  So I decided to buy a chewable pendant.  This way, I’d save a bit of money on chewing gum, I’d never have to worry about “running out,” and I’d always have stimulation right on my body, not in my purse, or in the car, or somewhere that’s not actually as convenient as you thought when you have a powerful craving to CHEW SOMETHING NOW.

The Chewable Annular Pendant is exactly what I never knew I needed.  I ordered one in Onyx, which looks like this on the website:

(Mine came out a bit lighter, more of a charcoal-gray.  So expect a bit of variation if you pick one of the iridescent colors.)  It matches OK with any outfit, which I figured could only be a plus.  Stimtastic also sells a slightly discounted 3-pack, so if you want more than one color, you don’t have to pay full price.

I also ordered a “Chewelry case,” (which is basically just a retainer case, so if you used to use a retainer, you can clean the old case out and use it) and a small squishy keychain (see next review).  They do warn you on the page for the case that they’ll try to match your preferred colors, but if they don’t have them, they may send you one in a different color.  Given this, I recommend that if there’s a color you absolutely HATE, tell them “DO NOT use this color” in your description, along with the colors you’d prefer.

I’m a huge sucker for PURPLE, so I said anything with purple, pink, or blue would be good.  They didn’t have any cases in those colors in stock, so my case is marbled black and white.  Which still looks REALLY cool.  Again, the reason they do this is so that they can send a case out to you faster, which IMO makes up for it.  Plus, you can always put a sticker on the outside of your case to personalize it, and have your favorite color that way. :)

The case, along with awesome pouches for your stim/fidget toys, is under the STIM TOY BAGS section of the site.

------------------------------------------------------

So enough product description--let’s get to the review!  The Annular Pendant, as it turns out, has the exact texture and level of resistance I’ve always wanted in a chewable and never knew I needed.  It’s very firm and only slightly yielding.

As promised, this particular design stands up to the most aggressive chewers.  I bit down HARD on this for about 15 minutes, and only ended up with some tiny dents on the surface.

The pendant itself is about 2″ (5 cm) across, and the included breakaway cord is 30″ (75 cm) long.  This means that if you’re like me and don’t want to show your chew toy off to the world, you can easily slip it under your clothes, even if you have big boobs and a love for low-cut tops.  It also means you have plenty of slack in the cord while you chew, which as we all know is kind of important.

The silicone material means that this lovely toy dries off quickly and won’t absorb moisture, so you also won’t have a sticky mass of drool on your clothes (unless, I suppose, you’re a heavy drooler--I have chronic dry mouth, so I can’t speak for y’all).

A retainer case is just the right size to hold the Annular Pendant, and might be able to fit another small pendant inside, if I order another in the future.

My order arrived a mere 4 days after I ordered it (which is especially impressive, given that I ordered it on a Sunday before a major holiday), and the small package fit easily in our standard-sized mailbox (so NO worries about the dreaded Package On The Stoop or “We tried to deliver but you weren’t here to sign for your package” forms).  We got a free bonus item too:  a purple rubber bracelet that says “Flappy Hands Are Happy Hands.”  I’m not autistic, so I don’t think I’ll wear it, but it was a very nice thought and shows they were paying attention about the purple. :)

All in all, we’re looking at a solid 10/10 for both the pendant, and Stimtastic’s service.  Definitely order from them if you want good stim/fidget products at a low price.

[darkmindsthinktwistedthoughts]

A Different Time pt3

Warning: Scientific Nerdy Ninja, strong language

MasterList

---

Chapter 3 – Tactless Advice

It was a bit of a shock to see my friend standing before me but there was still no doubt that it was him. Yukimura turned around and gave me a happy smile and a wave.

“Hey Sasuke long time no see.”

Finally reaching his side we share a small fist bump before walking towards the Inn where I have my room.

“Why are you here Yukimura?”

“Hey what’s with that? You not want to see me?” He pulls a small pout answering my question with a question.

“It’s not that, I’m always happy to see my bestie you know that. I’m just surprised because you have no business here as far as I can remember.” There was no reason for Yukimura to be here. Azuki was where he had been given orders to seek out information in not all the way out here in the back of beyond. Also, he was on a break. Lord Shingen called it time off for good behaviour. It sort of made it sound like an early release from prison.

“Yeah that… Lord Kenshin was getting all worked up and so Lord Shingen cut my time off from spying a bit and sent me here to check on you so I could report back that you are ok. It has been nearly a week you know?” Yukimura tilted his head as he looked at me.

Drawing a mental tally of time spent traveling, then being thwarted in my attempts to gain access to the Daimyo’s residence, I realised he was right. My previous estimate on time for this mission had racked up a number of delays. The image of her popped up in my head. What on earth was that about?

“I’m sorry to have been the fuel that drove you into having to come and check on me.” I shook my head a bit, attempting to clear the image from my mind whilst also apologising.

“Oh, don’t give me that I wasn’t that worried. To be honest I’m glad to get away again Lord Shingen is driving me mad with his constant sneaking around looking for sweets and chasing every woman he can find in town. Don’t get me started on Lord Kenshin, I think that man is starting to go even crazier. You know he challenged a member of kitchen staff to a sword fight the other day because he was given the wrong tea set?” Yukimura sounded exasperated as he described the situation at home.

“That does sound pretty dire. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that alone.” I held my tone together somehow whilst simultaneously apologising and trying to avoid sniggering at my poor friend’s experience. I knew it could be bad our Lords seemed to require babysitters, if I’m honest though Lord Shingen is more laid back. Lord Kenshin whilst a brilliant man, is also an acquired taste much like his prized sake and pickle plums combination.

“No, you’re not! I can hear you smirking even if your face hasn’t cracked into one. Anyway, what’s taking you so long? Thought you said it was an easy in and out job.” Yukimura put his arm on my shoulder dragging me towards him in a conspiratorial fashion.

“I would prefer to have this discussion inside.” He nodded in agreement and followed me inside. The owner of the inn was a very nice old man and he managed to arrange for Yukimura to have a room near mine. Bowing in gratitude we left the front of house retreating to the back and into my room.

---

After several cups of tea, and a carafe of sake, Yukimura finally had been clued in on all that had happened. And now in a typical Yukimura fashion had exploded into a full range of emotions that would put a modern-day actor to shame if they had been told to recreate it.

“So, you are telling me that a female ninja who had been attacking you for the last few days invited you to her camp and you just went along with her?” His jaw hanging open like that made him look a little like a koi in a pond.

“Yukimura you are getting the wrong idea.”

“Wrong idea? Sasuke man seriously. It’s basic survival, you don’t just follow your enemy.” Yukimura smacked his palm onto his forehead in frustration.

“But she isn’t my enemy.” We had been going in circles with the same topic for a while now. I had been up all night and was planning on retiring to my futon as soon as I arrived back to my room but with the arrival of Yukimura I had rejected the idea until we had finished talking.

“So, what you fancy her?”

“Pardon?” His adamant tone of voice as he said that caught me off guard and I nearly repeated my blunder from earlier with her by inhaling my tea.

“You like her. You know as a woman. Ack don’t make me spell it out man seriously I haven’t had enough to drink to have that conversation with you.” Yukimura had turned red all over his face right the way to the tips of his ears. It was an endearing quality in my friend. He found something so uncomfortable to talk about and yet still attempted to do his best and talk about them regardless of his own embarrassment. I however wasn’t entirely focused on that right now. I was trying to assess the accuracy of his statement. How do I feel about her? I don’t even know her name.

“I would have to say that based on current levels of understanding and data that I have gathered on the subject that there may be a possibility, given the right circumstances and all the varying factors involved. That is to say the increased levels of adrenaline and norepinephrine in me causing my heart rate to increase, that I could possibly find myself in an infatuated state with her at some point in the future.” I spoke as I tried to process my own feelings and thoughts into words.

I had taken to studying the social interaction of people after I arrived in this era, partly due to trying to fit in for work purposes but also partly because the way in which couples interact in this time seemed to be more open and easier to study. There were not the modern issues of embarrassment about all PDA situations. It was an intriguing notation to me that I could compare romantic entablements in the Sengoku period to modern era entanglements.

“So, you want to have sex with her then.” Yukimura blurted out as he rolled his eyes.

“Yukimura there are times your level of understanding and tactlessness astound me.” I had often experienced Yukimura and his outbursts of tactlessness but that had been with women present.

He didn’t usually do something similar when we were in private. Or maybe it was because this was not a topic that normally involved me directly. It was normal for us to talk about everything and anything and naturally the topic of females did arise from time to time but it was more generalised. Yukimura seemed to actively avoid relations with women except for casual hook ups and although I can say I could see the appeal I also knew deep down it was not something that I would really enjoy past a basic chemical level.

“Well yes or no?”  Yukimura had leaned forward to look into my face. Clearly the sake had relaxed him enough to forget the idea of personal space.

“It isn’t as simple as that.” I sighed as I pushed myself to stand and retrieve some sake for myself. If we were to continue this discussion regardless of time of day I was going to require something stronger than tea.

“Sure, it is. Sasuke we are living in a world of uncertain futures. You could die at any minute. My point is if you want something you are going to have to be willing to take a risk.” Yukimura was always sincere and his voice right now also carried with it the weight of personal experience and a desire to help. I found my mind racing once more and the image of her rose again in the sea of thoughts and queries. What do I want to happen?

---

Yukimura eventually left my room in search of food and left me to get some sleep. It was now much later and I was watching from a window as the blue and purple hues of twilight changed into the darker shades of night. It was nearly time to go to work.

I gathered my swords strapping them onto my back in a way that meant I could move even if it did make navigating in the crawl spaces of a ceiling awkward. I strapped my throwing knifes onto my leg and made sure I had an adequate amount of smoke bombs and ground spikes tucked into my tunic. Leaving the room via the window I hopped from roof top to tree to rooftop and balcony until I reached a quite street and dropped to the ground to walk on terra firma.

My mind wandered back to the conversation earlier and my unanswered questions bubbled up again to the surface of my mind. Could I handle leaving here and the possibility of not seeing her again? Does she feel the same? Could she feel the same?

Well we had only just met and just because we were both from the future was no guarantee that she would be attracted to me. Also, she might already have someone she is romantically attached to. The idea my logical brain had put up as an issue to my curious emotional internal discussion made me feel a little like the ground spikes in my tunic had imbedded into my chest.

I stopped at the corner of the intersection between the road leading into town and the road that led to the compound. There were guards in the area and although they didn’t seem to be particularly well trained it would have been reckless to assume that they couldn’t get lucky. Lord Kenshin’s training had resulted in me developing skills that built on what he called “natural abilities.”

When I asked to be trained as one of his Ninjas it wasn’t an immediate yes. I had saved his life and Kenshin knew that, but he wanted me to prove I was worthy to take on the tasks of a ninja in training. It took about 4 months of him running me like I was some sort of pack animal crossed with delivery boy.

The menial tasks he gave me blended in with basic training for strength and agility before finally he declared he would agree to me training on the proviso that he himself took care of my training personally. It was brutal.

I had so many bruises and cuts from the first year in training before I was strong enough to at least block a full Kenshin force style attack and rebuff his katana in order to get away. I had nightmares to start with a shudder ran up my spine just thinking of the sneak attacks. In modern-times we didn’t have sword wielding men randomly appearing actively trying to hurt you at every opportunity. It was like something from a pink panther movie crossed with a Texas chainsaw massacre.

Drawing back from my musings and memories, I watched as the two guards on patrol walked past me and slipped out of my hiding spot hauling myself up int a tree near the compound wall and swinging myself towards the stone fortifications.

– Cough, Cough –

Oh, fantastic. I flattened against the top of the wall and looked below me. I had managed to land above another guard. He was leaning against the wall smoking a pipe, the trails of smoke rising towards me in the darkness made my nose tickle. I suppressed a desire to sneeze and moved slowly crouched low along the wall away from the guy taking a smoking break.

It’s amazing how easily you can move when someone isn’t trying to throw something at you. The thought caused me to smile beneath my scarf and I scanned the area looking for my point of entry. It should be on this side but on the second floor. The building itself was two stories high, it wasn’t unheard of but it was a rarity in this era.

Clearly this Daimyo was as bad as rumour had you believe. Over taxing to gain more wealth and spending it on lavish bouts of self-indulgence and opulence. If Lord Kenshin had been here he would have cut down the second story of the manor himself. The idea of Lord Kenshin going toe to toe with a strong building made me feel amused. However, I also knew that for the God of War, even if his opponent was a brick wall he would still attempt to win. Something about the building and the amount of men on patrol guarding it had settled into the back of my mind since I first saw the place and it was still causing an uneasy feeling in me. What am I missing?

Rounding the walls, flitting between shadows I finally lined myself up with the entrance I was looking for. I say ‘entrance’, in actual fact it is just a small enough gap in one of the rooms of the castle. I don’t know why but the window there was always just a little open with its shutter put in place over it on the inside. Taking my chances that no one will see me, I dived onto the ledge by the window and pushed the shutter with my hand through the gap. It was loose and didn’t seem to make a noise so I entered in through the window and lowered myself soundlessly to the ground inside.

– Gr…mmm… –

There were moaning sounds of a someone in the darkness. Please tell me I haven’t just landed in someone’s bedroom while they are ‘preoccupied’. My eyes adjusted to the loss of light in the room and I could see the outlines of a few people but this was wrong. They were lined along the walls and either laying or sitting in place hardly moving. There was a very small lamp by what looked like the door to the room and I decided to light it and illuminate my curious mind. Almost as soon as I managed to light the lamp I regretted my choice.

“What the Hell?”

---

[hari-writes]

Little Louis Dupain-Cheng - Chapter 10

Fandom: Miraculous Ladybug Pairings: Adrien/Marinette Summary: In the seven years since Hawk Moth’s defeat, much has changed. Adrien Agreste PhD returns to Paris and is reunited with his friends. Marinette has a degree in Fashion Design, a thriving boutique and a son, six-year-old Louis. Louis is like his mother in many ways, except for green eyes and a familiar smile… Will Adrien do the maths?

Read on A03 ★★★ Buy me a coffee?

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9

Être héroïque en cas d'urgence

Marinette laid her yoga mat on the floor and adjusted her yoga pants. She had an evening to herself, no Louis and no parents, so she planned to relax and concentrate on herself. She was going to spend 45 minutes on uninterrupted yoga, followed by a long bubble bath with a book and a glass of wine. It was going to be an excellent night.

She grabbed her phone, intending to scroll through her Spotify library to find the ‘Chillax’ playlist that Nino made for her, but there were 20 missed calls from Kim, Alix and Alya.

Before she could call one of them back, someone started banging loudly on the apartment door. She ran downstairs, still clutching her phone, and peered through the spyhole. Kim looked red-faced as he continued to knock urgently. She pulled the door open.

“Mar! Have you seen the news?! Gabriel Agreste escaped the hospital on Tuesday, it’s just been announced. We need to find Adrien, but he’s not answering his phone. Where is he?” Kim breathed heavily. He must have run all the way here.

“He’s at the observatory tonight… With Louis. ” Marinette’s eyes widened and her hands flew up to her face. “Oh my God, Kim. Adrien is with Louis. We have to find them.”

She grabbed the trainers that were still by the door from her parkour session with Alix earlier and pulled the door closed behind her.

The university was a fifteen minute walk from her place, but at the pace they ran, they made it in six. Marinette took the steps in front of Notre Dame in one bound, vaulting over the concrete benches and bollards surrounding the Cathedral concourse. Kim was on the phone, talking to someone for the first couple of minutes. As they crossed Petit Pont, they were joined by Nino and Alix.

“I’ve never wanted Tikki and Wayzz to be here more than now.” Nino puffed as they neared the astronomy tower.

“I know what you mean.” She agreed grimly. “But we’re on our own.”

The door was unlocked so the four friends ran up the stairs, Marinette took them two at a time. Kim’s legs were the longest so he was ahead of her and he reached the closed door at the top first.

He didn’t try the handle. Pressing his ear to the door, he put his finger to his lips, telling the rest to be quiet. Marinette reached the door next and put her ear to the door, facing Kim. She heard voices, one older, gruff, commanding, the other, Adrien, was calm but wary.

They had found Gabriel.

She strained, listening hard but she couldn’t hear Louis. Her heart was thumping like a bass drum in her chest and panic buzzed like a bluebottle in her head. She caught Kim’s eye and mouthed, ‘I have to get in there’.

“How long until the police get here?” Kim asked.

“At least five minutes,” Nino winced, cradling his phone under his chin. “We need to get in there now.”

Usually, Marinette would insist they wait for the authorities, but Louis was in there. Adrien was in there. She had to go to them. She gently tried the handle, not daring to believe it would be that easy.

It was locked.

Alix was prepared for this. Pulling a set of picks from her back pocket, she knelt by the lock and peered into it, concentrating. Once it seemed like she had formulated a plan, she selected her picks and started to work at the lock.

“I’ll go in first, ok?” She whispered, barely daring to make any sound. “I’ll get Gabriel away from them, you protect Louis.”

Kim looked like he was going to object, but Nino nodded.

“Ready to follow your lead, LB.” He said.

Kim’s mouth opened in surprise for a moment and his eyes darted between the pair. They had faced down Hawk Moth before, but this time the stakes were higher. This time, she was fighting for her son.

With the faintest ‘click,’ the door was unlocked. Alix blew on her fingertips and grinned. She turned the handle delicately and pulled the door smoothly and slowly open, just enough for Marinette to slip inside. A tiny voice in the back of Marinette’s head reminded her to ask Alix about the origins of her locksmithing skills at a better time.

»»★««

“And that, is Venus,” Adrien said and Louis gasped in wonderment.

He had been pleasantly surprised when Marinette had agreed to Louis accompanying him to the observatory alone. She had been happy for him to spend the evening with Louis, and Adrien was touched by the display of trust. For his part, Louis was having the best time, listening intently to everything Adrien told him and was awestruck by the constellations and planets he could see through the telescope.

The door opened and Adrien turned in surprise. He wasn’t expecting to have to share the astronomy tower.

He certainly wasn’t expecting to see…

“Gabriel?!”

“Son.” The tall man said.

He was greyer and more gaunt than the last time Adrien saw him and it was jarring to see him in anything other than sharply tailored clothing. His eyes still burned like a cool flame, though, and his expression was still haughty. He closed the heavy wooden door behind him and locked it, taking the ancient key from the lock and slipping it in his breast pocket. There was no way out.

“What are you doing here?” Adrien asked, guiding Louis to shelter behind him, shielding him from his father’s view. “Why aren’t you in the hospital? Or prison?”

“You didn’t want to see me.” Gabriel hissed, ‘You tried to cut me out of your life.”

“So you broke out of hospital? Are you even well enough to be out?” Adrien heard the fear in his own voice, tried his best to keep it level, not wanting to betray emotion. Gabriel was advancing and soon, he’d surely see Louis. Adrien needed to protect him, but how?

“I MADE YOU. And you wouldn’t even deign to visit me.” The man spat.

“No!” Adrien was resolved, almost calm now. “You broke me. I’ve spent the past seven years rebuilding myself.”

“Don’t kid yourself, you’re nothing without me, look at you. Pathetic.” Gabriel’s anger was barely simmering under the surface and Adrien knew it could burst out at any moment. “Everything I did was for you.”

“You never did anything for me, or mother, or anyone else. Everything you did was selfish and you need to realise that. Hell, you spent your free time terrorising the city and putting my life in danger on a regular basis for your own egomaniacal agenda. Go back to hospital, let them help you.” He wanted to shout, but somehow he managed to stay calm.

Adrien’s hearing was heightened by adrenaline so he heard the clicking of a door lock while Gabriel remained ignorant of it. The door opened almost imperceptibly, moving slowly and deliberately. Adrien felt his courage surge when he saw His Lady slip into the tower, unseen by Gabriel. She held her finger to her lips and he realised she was motioning to Louis, who was crouching behind the massive telescope. She pointed to the gap in the door and he saw Nino’s face, his expression steely.

“Hawk Moth.” Marinette spoke and Gabriel faltered.

“You!” His eyes narrowed and he took a step away from Adrien. “This doesn’t concern you, Ladybug.”

“It does now, Hawk Moth.’ Marinette circled Gabriel, “Chat Noir and I are a team. If you take him on, you take me on, too.”

She was moving Gabriel’s attention away from where Adrien and Louis were standing. In doing so, she was putting his father between her and the door, but Adrien knew that she was doing it to protect her son.

“I should have squashed you when I had the chance, bug,” Gabriel glowered, his back was now to the door.

“Don’t kid yourself, you never had that chance, butterfly, we were always at least one step ahead of you. Why should today be any different?” Marinette asked.

Her eyes flitted to one side, a wordless signal to Nino who entered the room and ran to Louis. He picked him up and ran back to the door. Adrien saw Marinette share a look with her son, determined, reassuring and loving all at once.

Gabriel watched as the boy was swept from the room, the boy he hadn’t noticed in his single-minded mission to target Adrien. He looked back at Marinette and Adrien, mouth agape.

“The bug and the cat had an offspring?” He asked, sneeringly, his eyes narrowed. “Of course, she was one of your simpering fangirls. Shame, I thought you’d have better taste.”

“No, he’s not…” Adrien started before realising that he owed this man nothing. “Stop it. You destroyed lives, you don’t get an opinion.”

“Oh, I intend to destroy one more.” Gabriel snarled and Adrien saw a glint of silver in his hand. “If you don’t want to be my son, so be it.”

He moved towards Adrien, scalpel held like a dagger. He was quicker than he looked and Adrien froze in fear.

Marinette acted.

As Gabriel advanced on his son, Marinette ran at Adrien, shouldering him out of the way. Adrien hit the floor, looking up to see his father’s eyes grow wide in horror. Marinette dropped her weight and held her leg out, tripping Gabriel up. The scalpel was still in his grip and he swiped wildly at Adrien. Before Adrien could react, Marinette was on top of Gabriel, pinning him to the ground. She seized his hand and beat it against the tiled floor until he relinquished the blade.

At this, Kim ran into the room and flipped Gabriel over into what looked considerably like a Three Quarter Nelson, holding him down. Although, Adrien’s wrestling knowledge came entirely from video games so he could be wrong. The blade was in front of him and Adrien kicked the scalpel towards the wall, away from his father’s reach.

“You’re not in your right mind, Gabriel, you need help,” Adrien said, breathing heavily.

“You foolish boy.” Gabriel's voice was stifled by the wrestling hold Kim had him in, but he could still discern the bitterness and severity in his tone. “I’ve been lucid for years. I just play at confusion to avoid prison. We both know the minute I’m better, they’ll want to take me to trial.”

“You know you’ve just admitted that in front a room full of people?” Kim said.

“It’s your word against mine.” Gabriel spat. “I’ve been manipulating the doctors for years, I can do the same to the police.”

Before anyone could argue, the police arrived and Gabriel was escorted out. The officers asked the friends to stay until they could get witness statements from each of them. Not wanting to stay in the observatory, they waited on the stairway. Marinette was hugging a tearful Louis who clung to her like a baby monkey. Adrien had his arms around both of them, stroking Marinette’s hair. Kim and Alix were sitting next to them, holding hands and talking in low voices.

“You ok, bro?” Nino sat next to Adrien.

“No.” Adrien laughed bitterly. “My psychopath father tried to stab me because I cut him out my life and I put Louis and all of you in danger because of it.”

“Hey, you didn’t put anyone in danger, Gabriel did. I saw how you protected Louis. So did Mari.” Nino glanced to where she was nodding in agreement.

“He… He threatened me. Tried to hurt me, all because I don’t want his toxic influence in my life.” Adrien said, “And he’ll never face justice for this.”

“Actually,” Nino smiled and lifted his phone, “I think he will.”

Nino pressed a triangle icon on the screen and Gabriel’s voice echoed in the stairwell. ‘You foolish boy. I’ve been lucid for years. I just play at confusion to avoid prison. We both know the minute I’m better, they’ll want to take me to trial.’

Adrien was speechless. Alix, Kim and Marinette were equally dumbfounded. All of them stared in amazement at their friend.

“What?” Nino asked, “You can’t live with Alya for all these years and not pick up a trick or two.”

[ristocycling]

Is that it?

For the first time, I’m sitting at home in Estonia and writing this blog. I came here to ride Estonian Championships in X-Country Marathon. Before I even came here, I got disturbing news that my cycling licence is registered wrong in the system, that ment no Championships for me. Since I already got the tickets and all was planned, I decided to ride the race anyways. Which also ment that my shoulders drop, nerves were under control and everything looked fine, until the very morning. Cannot really put words on it what happens in my head, but nothing makes sense anymore. I wanna quit. I don’t feel it´s worth it. This tremendous fight in me makes it challenging to continue. So, when a random questions led to changing the category to Estonian Championships 1 hour before the start, it didn’t really affect me at all. The guy I was talking to was the chief referee, apparently. So it was kind of a good thing that the licence posed problems to begin with.

But, maybe the lack of preparedness made it worse this time? I saw couple of videos of the race online and it looked really scary- I´ve always been scared of heights and there are many places on this race when you ride on the edge of a cliff- Estonia is pancake flat, yes, but it has some hI´lls. True story! Also I had no plans of hydration since I counted on neutral zones, while most of the other riders had teams to rely on. Maybe if I had a plan and though a peace of mind, something would have been better, different the very morning? I don’t really know! I’ve always struggled before the races, well almost every time. I’ve had a whole season where the nerves were under control no matter the race! So, I’m aware that it´s all in our heads?! For sure! And I know something can be done to hold the head on the surface. But what can you do about it, really? How to calm down, think straight thoughts, or not think of anything? I guess it has also something to do with expectations. So the real question is: does it really matter in the terms of result, if one has high expectations or simply show up to have fun? -GIVEN that preps are done! Maybe not.. Maybe not. What are expectations? Define that! I’m starting to think that it´s simply some pile of bullSHIT! Expectations=how things should be=pretend to be a prophet=religion of futurism=fantasy=ambitions? While I’m always telling others to let go of prejudices, expectations and go with the flow, but have ambitions and wI´ll to do better… Then I’m doing exact the opposite my self. Maybe I should start being a bad example?! Start living rather than fantasising. Maybe even stop having ambitions and simply be the best version of my self?

Well, maybe the fact that my life´s once again at a cross road makes it a bit more difficult to tackle? Maybe my mental capacity ain´t big enough to overcome all the pressure right now? What are these «other» things? Well, their all personal. But I can say so much- nothing in my future is given right now. Maybe, for my health sake, I should take time off from racing? It´s just as simple as that- the pressure is unbearable and I felt it both before and while racing. I made a mistakes for sure. As I rode two hours without eating anything, just drinking. 29th place was more than ok and I HOPED that it would hold. But then the hammer appeared and hit me hard! And then the bad feelings, thoughts, black hole manifested. I started to think of quitting. Didn´t feel sufficed. So after a while, an hour or so, I realised that I was riding in emergency mode (ref. cars that are having severe problems). Then the very best, Greete S, come from nowhere and parked me. I really tried hard to keep her back a while and when opportunity presented it´self, I wished to contribute. But nothing, she was simply superior at that time. After a while, I stopped for a couple of minutes, cheered on my competition, ate 3 bars and drank a little. After a while, stopped in a feeding zone and eat some bread, Estonian black bread! A sausage. Some bananas. Drank some more fluids. Cheered on the second lady. And then continued the journey. And yes, after a long while, the energy stores were restored and I got the speed up. Catch up some racers and even passed them and made them pay parking tickets. All-in-all, 56th out of 125 racers. 50min lost to 1st place. 12 min behind the very best Estonian WChampion.

Now it has been 2 days since that race. I’ve made some analyses on Strava and I cannot really hide myself behind some data that prove that things would have been better IF and so on. I started really hard, too hard. I was climbing up from 32nd place to 29th and kept it going for a while, until the world famous Hammer! My level ain´t that high on single trails, flat, sandy ground. It might sound like I’m defending myself right now, but that really ain´t the case. It´s simply a explanation of what does not suit me. On contrary, hI´lls and climbs suit me very well, easier ground and some gravel too. So, yes, I’m not a complete biker! Far from it. But until now, I’ve fought a fair fight. In my own head, I believe, in a way, I can be related to a fictional character, Rocky Balboa:

«…it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!”

― Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa

So, to sum up. I´m not saying that I´ll quit. I simply say that I´ll choose to meet up to have fun from now on. I’m done with getting so nervous that It squeezes out all the fun and will to ride my bike. That doesn’t mean that my competition should feel neglected- when I do meet up for a race, I´ll do my very best, yes I will! But I´ll act as if it´s only for fun.

If you feel a bit a bit frustrated because some of it, think all of it is bullCrap, shame! It´s my personal blog and its not open for criticising. And yes, all of it is personal and IF you feel like some of it also apply to you, good, maybe I was to help? In the end, I´ll print it out as a «book» and hand to my kids one day. Hopefully it’ll happen one day :D

But. I cannot forget the the most important part of it all. To honour the winners. Petter Pruus, Greete Steinburg and all the others before me, after me. I’ve ridden about 50 different races in my career and this was the most insane single track race ever! About 85km singles is tough call no matter how you look at it! Chapeau! Jõelähtme Rattamaraton is truly a mekka for riders who enjoy themselves on single trails!

Thank you for reading! I´ll now be heading to Dolomites to ride Sellaronda HERO, oh well.. to have fun on Sellaronda HERO. This ride suits me pretty well! So I´ll go for my personal best this year and leave it all on the mountains there. My wish is to cross the finish line, happy, satisfied and proud. But, if it doesn´t work out well, I´ll go for a great tour :D It´s amazing place!

Risto

[howellrichard]

How to Resolve Conflict the Compassionate Way

Hiya Gorgeous!

Talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it.

Gotta love those lyrics from the Lipps Inc. disco classic. Once you’re back from Funkytown, let’s talk about your communication skills, cookie! After all, sometimes you’ve just got to “talk about it.”

As far as I’m concerned, open communication is one of the most important tools I have access to—it’s how I deepen my relationships AND patch them up when things get tough. It’s also essential for leading my team and navigating challenges in my business.

That’s why I treat my communication skills like a precious plant. I have to tend to them on a daily basis so they can flourish in every corner of my life.

Because, the truth is, effective communication isn’t always easy. That’s especially true when we need to resolve conflict. As this pandemic reshapes our world, I’m betting you may be facing a bit more of that lately. We’re all under a lot of pressure and stress, often in close quarters. Disagreements and misunderstandings are bound to bubble up. So there’s no better time than the present to level up our communication skills!

Today I’m sharing 9 ways you can communicate better and resolve conflict with empathy, compassion and love. Whether you’re learning how to be an effective communicator or just want to dust off your skills, these tips are for you! They come from my personal toolkit and have helped me make my conversations smoother, no matter how difficult they are.

Don’t feel any pressure to remember or apply them all now, though! Think of this as a menu of tasty communication-boosting tips. If you peruse the list and pick one to apply, I promise you’ll have a much easier time navigating your next tough talk!

9 Compassionate Ways to Resolve Conflict

1. Think before you speak.

Whenever possible, take some time to think about what you want to say before you start a tough conversation. (Sometimes conflict comes out of nowhere and I’ve got more tips below to help you respond well in those cases.) But when it’s possible, a little forethought will empower you to speak with compassion and clarity.

For example, I know that I communicate my best when I do it with intention. Usually that means organizing my thoughts and goals for a conversation beforehand—whether it’s for a team meeting, dinner with my folks or a more serious sit-down with a pal. It’s ok if your process looks a little different—just focus on setting yourself up to feel safe and confident in the upcoming convo!

2. Pick the right time & place.

Good timing can make the difference between a peaceful resolution and a fiery blowout. Consider factors like both of your stress and energy levels. Bombarding someone the moment they get home from a tough day at work won’t get you anywhere! When in doubt, ask if it’s a good time to talk—getting buy-in shows the other person that you’re not there to attack them.

The way you communicate is also important. For example, texting can be a great tool for quick check-ins, but it’s not the best way to resolve conflict because there’s no tone of voice or body language to contextualize what you’re saying. Difficult convos are usually best had face-to-face (or on FaceTime or Zoom while we’re social distancing!).

3. Say what you mean, but don’t be an honesty bulldozer.

Hiding or sugarcoating your needs just builds resentment. So speak your truth, toots! Keep it clear and simple.

But one caution: being honest doesn’t mean saying whatever you want, however you want, whenever you want! I’m a say-it-like-I-feel-it type gal and that bluntness has gotten me in some hot water over the years. I’ve learned that while I don’t need to censor what’s in my heart, I do need to be mindful of how I share it. And if I’m debating whether or not to speak up at all, I ask myself: Will the truth help this relationship in some way or does it just cause more hurt?

4. Put yourself in their shoes.

Let empathy be your guide when it comes to resolving conflict. The more we strive to understand and appreciate each other, the kinder and more successful our conversations will be. As you prepare for your conversation, take some time to look at things from their point of view. It will help you be more balanced and empathetic in the way you speak.

Continue that practice as the conversation actually unfolds, too. When we’re having a tough convo and someone does or says something that we perceive as an attack, our instinct is often to go on the defensive. Pausing to hear, understand and embrace their point of view will help you respond intentionally instead of reacting defensively.

5. Speak for yourself.

No one likes being told how they feel. That’s why it’s so helpful to use observational statements in challenging convos. So instead of, “You’ve been so moody and distant, what is going on with you?” try, “I’ve been feeling a disconnect between us, have you noticed that too?”

See how differently that lands? Not only are you removing your own assumptions—you’re also giving the other person room to share their perspective before establishing anything as fact. Don’t get me wrong, it can be really tempting to blurt out your inner talk track in the heat of the moment, but you’ll have better outcomes if you slow down and let the other person speak for themselves. Which brings us to…

6. Listen.

Communication isn’t all about talking, especially when you’re trying to resolve conflict. My therapist always says that people just want to be understood and that it’s one of the greatest gifts we can give. Interrupting, ignoring or discounting the other person’s side of the story is a surefire way to make them check out of the conversation.

That’s why a big part of learning how to be an effective communicator is practicing mindful listening. Make it a point to show your loved one that you’re fully present (AKA not just thinking about what you’re going to say next). I’ve found it helpful to repeat back what I think the other person means (and to ask them to do the same) to clear up any misunderstandings before the conversation is over. You might be surprised what you hear when you really, truly listen.

7. Tackle one thing at a time.

I’m sure you’ve been in a tough conversation that snowballed—one minute you’re asking your partner for more help around the house and the next thing you know you’re rehashing the details of an argument you had months ago… Been there!

It’s totally normal for other thoughts to surface while you’re talking things out. But it’s difficult enough to resolve conflict without multiplying it, so try to stay on topic.

I find this is easier when I’m practicing forgiveness instead of harboring frustration. In that sense, I can start to resolve conflict before it begins by doing my own emotional work—pausing regularly to drop the baggage from past hurts. That way, when there is a conflict, we can spend less time rehashing the past and more time finding a resolution!

Could you use some support with that? If so, try my free Forgiveness Visualization meditation. It’ll help you shed the weight of any resentment, so you can approach your next discussion with open hands and an open heart.

8. End on a positive note.

Ya know what they say about not going to bed mad? I know how hard it can be when things get heated, but wrapping up your convo in a positive way is so important. It’ll give you both a sense of comfort and usually prevents persistent negative feelings or stewing.

I’m not saying that you need to tie up every conversation with a neat little bow. Instead, it’s about letting the other person know that you love and appreciate them, even if the convo was contentious or you still have a lot to discuss. The more you focus on people’s good qualities, the more they show them to you—I’m speaking from experience!

9. Follow up.

Communication is a process. Sometimes conversations will end before you reach a resolution, so it’s a good idea to plan your next steps. I’ve found it helpful to decide when we’ll revisit the topic later before hitting pause. Otherwise, it’s easy to avoid when the dust settles and everything feels less urgent.

Also, remember that hindsight is 20/20. With a little time and space for reflection, you might realize something you missed or wish you’d said differently. Plus, it shows good will to check in and make sure the other person is ok after a tough convo.

Cultivating Safe Communication

Before you go, I want to share one last piece of advice on communication. I received this big medicine at a workshop with Harville Hendrix a few years back. He talked about the importance of creating safety in our conversations through empathy, ownership and love. The more we prioritize making the other person feel safe, the more honest and impactful our communication can be—that’s what it really comes down to. How beautiful is that?

I hope these tips help, sweet friend. You don’t have to try them all at once. Just pick one and commit to apply it in your next tough talk. And don’t worry if learning how to be an effective communicator takes some practice—that’s totally normal. It’s worthwhile, though.

Giving yourself permission to speak the truth without shame is SO freeing. And you’ll feel a lot less self-doubt with the right communication skills in your toolkit. Mwah!

Your turn: Which one of these tips will you try in your next tough conversation?

Peace & talking it out,

The post How to Resolve Conflict the Compassionate Way appeared first on KrisCarr.com.

[themartinsguide]

Solta, Croatia (and a little bit of Rome and Slovenia)

3 - 17 June 17

Departing from Athens feeling a little lethargic and world-weary, we were looking forward to some rest and relaxation by a pool in Croatia - being on a yacht had been SUCH hard work. In a suitably Southern European fashion (aka frustrating) the least logical but fastest and most cost-effective route from Athens to Split was via Rome, so after a relaxed night in the centre of Rome including a beautiful morning run around Villa Borghese, we set off for Croatia in the best of spirits. We were thoroughly excited by the thought of a stunning rural villa with James’ family (and Martha), an overnight visit to Dubrovnik, snorkelling and scuba diving off the Dalmatian coast, and knocking out our June half marathon in a (slightly) less gruelling environment.

Having completed the first leg of our Athens-Rome-Grohote (Croatia) trip comfortably, we were reasonably confident in making it smoothly to Grohote from Rome. Grohote, where the fabulous ‘Hacienda Noa’ villa is located, is a small village on the island of Solta, which is served by ferries departing fairly regularly from Split. We were due to land in Split at 1500, giving us 75 minutes to make the 1615 ferry. However, our Vueling Airlines plane enjoyed the tarmac in Rome so much that we sat on the runway (without explanation) for our allotted 75 minutes travel time. Resigning ourselves to catching the 2030 ferry after some fruitless running around the port looking for a ticket office for a fictional 1800 ferry helpfully displayed on the departures board, we settled into a local bar for a quiet lager. This was chased by a sneaky scotch (from a minbar size Glengarry bottle) on the ferry as we watched the sun set, putting us in a rather jovial mood as we docked in Solta. Unfortunately, neither a bus nor taxi was available (and James’ parents had usefully spurned the offer of a pick-up from the Villa’s owners). So, in time to a few classic marching songs ('Maori Battalion’ and 'It’s a long way to Tipperrary’), we strode and shuffled the half hour trip to the villa, in time for a late dinner and a chilled glass of wine.

Hacienda Noa is a split level villa, looking back out towards Split on the Dalmatian coast. With a separate main house, outdoor pool, and pool house with a bedroom, we very comfortably wiled away the next two days with James’ parents and his sister. Unfortunately though, after two days of tanning and doing very little else, we were dragged away for an overnight trip down to Dubrovnik, to be preceded by an eventful drive. With fuve people (and small suitcases) the ONLY option was a large rental BMW SUV which, whilst imposing to look at, was perhaps not best suited to narrow European roads. This was swiftly confirmed when a parked vehicle’s wing mirror left a rubber line down the length of one side of the car within the first five minutes of the journey. Did you know that toothpaste and elbow grease will remove rubber from the side of a car and ensure you get your rental deposit back? You do now.

Having gouged the car and dealt with the familial banter afterwards, we cleared Split and settled in for what was promised to be a scenic drive. With James navigating, what could go wrong? Well, James got quickly bored of the coastal route we had been signposted down and after a very brief analysis of a partially downloaded Google Map, realised that if we made a small detour inland, we could get on a toll road, and 'fang’ it most of the way to Dubrovnik. Total time saving was confidently projected at approximately one hour with an added bonus of speeding in a large SUV, versus a detour route of uncertain quality. The words “It looks OK” do not fill Hannah with confidence, and she is now very wary of any proposed 'shortcuts’, so she was shocked when the proposal was accepted without question.

The next 30kms of switchbacks over a mountain ridge, along a secondary road, clearly not intended for anything larger than a 1960’s Mini, was a test of the Martin family spirit. James’ all too frequent comments about the picturesque scenery in no way alleviated the general animosity of the car as the proposed time savings diminished, the altitude rapidly increased, and each oncoming vehicle somehow squeezed past without both vehicles hurtling down a ravine. However, after some character building stuff, a few heated discussions about the challenges of picking routes off Google Maps, and some sullen silences, we hit a wonderful toll road. And opened the SUV up. And got to Dubrovnik in excellent time - via a bizarre stop at a cafe in Bosnia (FYI one must pass through another country to get from one part of Croatia to another) that only sold coffee and ice-cream, and the running of a red light at 70km/hr…

Dubrovnik was every bit as majestic as we hoped it would be. After our pleasant drive down, everyone was a little hungry and frazzled, so after consuming some terrible burgers we split into separate groups for a little relaxation time which was spent wandering the Old City before showering and enjoying a fantastic meal out in a gorgeous back alley of the Old City, with a few chasers to follow. The next day was always going to be action packed, as the wonderful hotel we were staying at, Rixos Libertas, had a wide array of wellness activities that we were determined to enjoy. So, rising early we hit the gym, had a quick swim in the outdoor pool, then utilised the most amazing spa facility we have ever seen for a steam, a sauna, and some plunging between the super hot pool and the shock pool. Rejuvenated, we headed back into the Old Town to walk the walls which we had been assured were not to be missed. Rising up to 30 metres above the city, and at times teetering on the edge of the cliffs on which Dubrovnik perches, they provide unrelentingly superb views. We peered down into rabbit warrens of medieval alleys, admired the churches and statues, tried to pick the venues of various Game of Thrones scenes, spotted quirky rooftop bars, and played 'pick your favourite apartment’. It was a shame we had to leave that afternoon, as we could happily have spent another day or two hunting through some of these spots.

After a slightly less eventful trip back up, utilising the toll road but not the 'shortcut’, we arrived back at the Villa ready for some more unwinding, and introducing James’ mother to scuba diving. This was interspersed with a short day trip to Split to check out Diocletian’s Palace, watch a little bit of rugby, and hit the local gym; the welcoming of Martha (a very good friend of James’ sister) for a long weekend; and the bastardisation of beer pong with the unwelcome addition of grappa and raki (Team Jannah plus Martha were victorious). Heading down early one morning to the port of Rogac on Solta, we were picked up by the wonderful proprietors of Venus Diving. They were a little late after encountering a surprisingly choppy trip over from Solta, and this same chop caused a little consternation as we thudded through it in our 6 metre RHIB to the dive site. Once we had reached the leeward side of the island though, the sea flattened out nicely and we anchored in a beautiful cove accessible only by the sea. Whilst Hannah and James went off exploring the cliff face by plunging into the depths of the Adriatic Sea (and were mightily pleased they had hoods and booties on at 25 metres down), Martha and James’ mother went through some basic skills and a shallow dive, whilst James’ father and sister snorkelled in the clearest water’s we have seen so far (on a par with Koh Lipe!). After a nice surface interval basking in the baking sun, we went down again with James’s mother to 13 metres for a good explore of the cove. Whilst we enjoyed the brightly coloured cliff walls, octopus, schools of fish and the pleasure of a new dive site, it was an absolute thrill watching someone else fall in love with diving!

It was going to pretty hard to top that high, though we certainly couldn’t complain about the next few days - back to tanning, reading and maybe a little too much boozing. After 6pm of course. Our June half-marathon was calling, and assessing that the mountainous and very popular northern regions of Italy might be a poor decision, we headed out on the only drizzly afternoon to knock it off. Despite some tired legs and a couple of significant climbs up to the top of the island and then back up from the port of Stomorska, we were thrilled to be running in some rain. We came back to the Villa soaking wet, with screaming legs after a positive split, but absolutely chuffed with our run. Fortunately, the weather cleared in time for a spot more sunbathing, a delicious alfresco dinner at a local village restaurant, and a few goodbye drinks at Hacienda Noa.

We were off to Italy, to meet Hannah’s father and his partner, Susan, with a quick detour via Lllubjana, Slovenia. As James’ parents were heading there for a few nights we hitched a ride, with a stop at the beautiful waterfalls of Croatia’s Krka National Park en-route. With some stunning scenery including numerous waterfalls (we lost count) and one of the most picturesque swimming holes we have ever seen, they are well worth a visit. As is Llubjana, which we only nipped into (but will return to) for a quick shower and meal before saying our goodbyes (though we shall return) and hopping on an overnight bus for Milan…

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New Post has been published on Healthy Food and Remedies

New Post has been published on http://healthyfoodandremedies.com/2017/02/10/42-bad-habits-suck-energy/

42 Bad Habits That Suck Your Energy

Ever have those days when you feel you’re dragging a ball and chain behind you?

Everything is a struggle. Your productivity has tanked, your energy is at rock-bottom, and you just want to crawl in a hole and suck your thumb.

Sometimes it’s easy to identify why we’re so lethargic. We might feel physically ill, the weather is bleak, or the stars are out of alignment. Conditions out of our control can vaporize our energy and smack down our motivation.

Most of the time, however, our fatigue and burn-out is the result of our daily habits. We sabotage ourselves with thoughts and behaviors that create a toxic environment for vitality, well-being, and achievement. You may not even be aware how your own habits are affecting you.

If not, here are 42 bad habits that suck your energy:

1. Sleeping too late

The alarm clock rings, and you hit the snooze button — again and again and again. Before you know it, you have just three minutes before you have to hit the road if you’re going to be on time. You start your day stressed and agitated.

2. Skipping breakfast

Skipping breakfast is one consequence of sleeping too late. But many of us simply get in the habit of skipping it because we’re lazy or misinformed. Skipping breakfast actually makes weight control more difficult. Breakfast gives us the morning fuel to perform our best and stay alert.

3. Eating a bad breakfast

Ok, good for you — you ate breakfast. But a pop tart or glazed doughnut doesn’t count as a healthy breakfast. These choices cause a huge blood sugar peak that leads to an even bigger sugar crash. Plus, they’re loaded with fat-packing calories.

4. Constantly checking email

The ding or vibration of an email arriving has turned us into Pavlov’s dogs. We’re compelled to check the inbox when the bell rings, which constantly distracts us from the task at hand. Then it takes more energy to pull yourself away from the inbox and re-engage in our work.

5. Getting lost in social media

Once you get started on social media, you can find yourself lost in a rabbit hole of silly videos and mindless discussion threads. After a few hours, when you pull your head to the surface, you realize you’ve just lost a chunk of time doing nothing.

6. Skipping exercise when you’re tired

There’s no doubt exercise energizes us and has a host of health benefits. If you have the habit of skipping it when you’re tired, you’re depriving yourself of energy you could use for productivity and enjoyment.

7. Drinking too much alcohol

Alcohol is a depressant. It gives you a buzz at first, but after a few drinks you feel tired and sluggish. The effects linger the next day, impacting your energy all day long.

8. Getting angry in traffic

Traffic alone is enough to suck your energy, but if you allow other drivers to get under your skin, now you’re just compounding the problem. Put on some relaxing music or a book on tape, and use the time productively.

9. Wearing heels

Of course heels make your legs look great, but what are they doing to your feet, knees, and back? Heels can be painful, cause bunions, and alter the anatomy of your calf muscles. That’s plenty to get stressed about.

10. Isolating yourself

Humans are social creatures and need others for their emotional well-being. Even introverts need time around others to feel happy. Too much isolation can lead to excessive worrying, negative thinking, and even depression.

11. Being a perfectionist

When you need everything to be just so all the time, it causes a lot of anxiety and stress. Perfectionists have a hard time relaxing or letting down their guard. This stress can lead to a host of physical symptoms and emotional disorders.

12. Watching too much TV

Every hour you watch TV is an hour you aren’t doing something more interesting or productive. You lose time with family and friends, program yourself with negativity, and subject yourself to subliminal messages from advertisers. The stress from TV shows may show up in dreams, worries, or self-expectations.

13. Overthinking and worry

We get in the habit of allowing looping negative thoughts to invade our minds. We allow worry thoughts to take up residence and create internal havoc. Overthinking and worry are bad habits that can be replaced by positive thoughts and productive behavior.

14. Over-scheduling your life

We over-schedule our lives with tasks, obligations, and events that force us to rush from one thing to the next in a frenzy. With little down time to relax and recharge, we’re constantly in a heightened state of activity that leaves us depleted.

15. Cluttering your work space

Physical clutter often reflects your mental state. When you remove clutter, you can improve your mental state. Clutter is distracting and demoralizing and makes us feel out of sorts. Get out of the clutter habit, and your productivity and energy will improve.

16. Tolerating negative people

Certain people can be the biggest energy drains in our lives. We get so used to their bad behavior or negativity that we simply allow it to continue and put up with the annoyances. Tolerating this slowly drags you down and keeps you on constant alert.

17. People pleasing

We think pleasing others will keep everyone happy and prevent the discomfort of letting someone down or making them angry. But when we do this at the expense of our own self-respect and happiness, we deplete our emotional energy.

18. Over-checking your appearance

When you feel overly conscious of how you look, you get in the habit of looking in the mirror over and over to make sure things are OK. The mental energy expended to remind yourself of this only compounds the energy expended to constantly worry about your appearance.

19. Over-checking a bothersome symptom

When you have an unexplained symptom and get in the habit of checking it incessantly, you’re sapping your energy through unnecessary worry and distress. Avoid this tiresome habit by going to the doctor if a symptom lasts more than a week or so.

20. Asking others opinion

When we don’t feel confident in our own judgment, we get in the habit of seeking reinforcement by asking others what they think. This habit alone takes a lot of energy, and add to that the stress of feeling insecure about your inability to make a decision. Practice making small decisions on your own so you can drop the validation habit.

21. Staying up too late

Staying up late throws off your sleep cycle and makes you tired the next day. Getting too little sleep not only sucks your energy, but also it can create a host of physical ailments. Lack of sleep exacts a toll on perception and judgment.

22. Snacking late at night

Late night snacking can cause poor sleep and indigestion. It can unnecessarily add to your daily calorie intake and lead to weight gain by throwing off the body’s metabolic cycles

23. Working too many hours

You may think working long hours makes you more productive. However, too much of anything isn’t good. Working too much can impact your sleep, creativity, relationships, and health. Create a new habit of life balance by leaving work at a reasonable time.

24. Remaining sedentary

Being over-scheduled, stressed, and tired as a result of other bad habits leads to a sedentary life. Because we feel bad, we lose motivation and get in the habit of a being a couch potato rather than exercising. There are so many health risks associated with a sedentary lifestyle.

25. Saying yes when you mean no (or vice versa)

This habit can be a part of people pleasing or simply a result of laziness. It’s more expedient to give the answer with the least resistance. But later we regret it and feel stressed as a result.

26. Assuming the worst

Constantly fearing the worst possible outcome is a dreadful habit. We’re in a state of fight or flight anxiety 24/7. This wrecks havoc on our health and mental well-being.

27. Picking fights with your spouse

When we feel stressed or out-of-sorts, it’s easy to lash out at those close to us. This may temporarily bring relief, but in the long-run, it causes even more stress, depleting our emotional energy.

28. Eating junk food

Junk food has little or no nutritional value. Most of it is empty calories that make you fat and create addictions to more of the same. Junk food doesn’t energize — it depletes you.

29. Buying too many lattes at Starbucks

Not only are you over-caffeinated, but you’re spending too much — not an energy promoting combination.

30. Gossiping

It might feel good for a few minutes to dish the dirt about someone, but it eventually catches up with you in the form of guilt, mistrust from others, or retribution. Gossip is simply negative, and negative things deplete your energy.

31. Giving up too soon

When things get tough, the tough don’t give up. If you’re in the habit of quitting too soon, you lose self-respect and confidence.

32. Having knee-jerk reactions

Our first reactions aren’t always the best, especially in an emotionally-charged situation. An immediate reaction of anger or defensiveness might be regretted later, causing embarrassment or more problems.

33. Avoiding confrontation

It might feel like you’re saving energy by avoiding conflict, but you’re really just prolonging the problem. It takes energy to hold yourself back from facing a situation and dealing with it.

34. Lying

Lying goes against your integrity. It makes you feel shame, guilt, and anxiety. All of these feelings deplete your energy. A habit of lying undermines the trust others have in you.

35. Over-spending

When you spend more than you can afford to spend, you create low level anxiety, embarrassment, and guilt. You feel out-of-control and undisciplined. For a while, stop the spending habit cold turkey until you manage the problem.

36. Accepting unacceptable behavior

Family members, children, and work associates can treat you with disrespect. If you allow it to continue, you give away your power and dismantle your boundaries. The pain of the behavior and your habitual acceptance of it is depleting.

37. Leaving your bed unmade

It’s a small thing, but an unmade bed sucks the energy from a room. It looks messy and disorganized. Make your bed daily and get started on an orderly foot.

38. Working on vacation

Vacation is a time to replenish your energy and restore balance in life. Even if you love your work, give yourself a break from it so you can completely refill your tank.

39. Pretending things are Ok when they aren’t

This goes beyond just avoiding confrontation. It’s an active choice to shove down your feelings and act as though you don’t have them. Denying your feelings causes deep emotional turmoil that sucks your energy and joy.

40. Taking things personally

Sometimes our sensitivities get the best of us, but if you’re in a habit of getting your feelings hurt, you might need to examine a deeper cause. Perhaps you’re a highly sensitive person, but you need to adapt to a less sensitive world so others don’t cause you constant pain and stress.

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41. Wearing uncomfortable clothes

A shirt with an itchy tag. Pants that are too tight. A jacket that makes us overheat. We might look amazing and professional, but our clothes are making us crazy. Why put up with that and allow it to distract you? Get in the habit of wearing comfortable clothes that still look great.

42. Focusing on the past or future

Focusing on the past can create feelings of regret and remorse. Dwelling in the future fosters longing and agitation. Put your energy in the present moment, the task at hand. Right now is where you’ll find all your happiness and energy.

What bad habits do you have that deplete you of energy and drag you down? Have you overcome them? If so, please share how you did it in the comments below.