#ok the rebirth blues still make me normal

[ilybigman]

we really need to get onto making that Loop and Mal Du Pays coffee shop AU from the ISAT soundtrack livestream

ANON YOU'RE SO RIGHT. that was fun and sillay we totally should. i'll probably toss in some ideas soon

[choppedcowboydinosaur]

I don’t like the new marvel teen heroes for some reason. Which is weird since I’m normally a sucker for teen hero characters.

I thought the Young Avengers were good. And even with them they are still unique despite appearing to be derivative of the Avengers. For example you get Hulkling who at first glance appears to be a hulk but in reality he’s a skrull. So despite appearing to be derivative there’s more to them than meets the eye.

The Runaways were good, especially the early volumes. It felt real the way they talked and had to deal with being on their own. There are some dated early 2000′s references but I was a kid during that time so I don’t mind it as much and get the references.

I never cared for Avengers Academy.

For some of the newer characters they made I like Blindspot and Robbie Reyes as Ghost Rider. Blindspot is a cool character with his own look and isn’t derivative of Daredevil despite being his sidekick. He has his own personality and is impatient and wants to prove himself. Robbie Reyes is cool for the first volume he shows up in. I like his relationship with his brother and the beef he has against his uncle. It’s when he joins the Avengers I felt like Marvel didn’t know what to do with him and they squandered him. Why is it that I don’t care for the other ones they have made? Some of them feel kind of derivative in my opinion.

You get some characters that Marvel acts like they’re new when they’re not. Like Amadeus Cho, Miles Morales and America Chavez. Miles Morales came into existence a bit over 10 years ago. And honestly, I felt Miles only came into his own as a character when that Spiderverse movie came out. In Amadeus’ case he came into existence even earlier like the early 2000′s. From what I’ve seen of Amdadeus he seems ok even before they made him a Hulk which felt like an odd choice but not infuriating either.

Then we have America Chavez. I never liked America Chavez that much. Her backstory is convoluted and constantly changing. Is she latina or a space alien? I don’t know? I don’t think even Marvel can seem to decide.

Kamala Khan is meh to me as a character despite being popular. I feel like she has potential but that potential is never fully utilized. My impression of her comes from her earlier comics and civil war 2. She seems relatable but whenever a challenge is thrown at her it just gets resolved in the next issue. It never felt like there were any lasting consequences for her as a character until Civil War 2 where she denounces Carol and her friend Bruno gets his hand blown up. I’m not saying you have to make her series dark and grim but just give her a curveball or something that is not easy for her to deal with. Basically, Kamala Khan can be summarized by this picture.

Then we get the new wasp. Why does she exist? Janet Van Dyne is still alive and kicking. It just seems pointless. That and her early comics are not so good.

I guess part of my dislike for these new Marvel teen heroes is due to taste, wasted potential and how derivative some of them are. And even when they are derivative I can forgive it if there’s more to them than meets the eye like the Young Avengers. But for the new ones it doesn’t seem to be the case.

For DC teen heroes I like Static shock, Sideways, and Jaimie Reyes as the Blue Beetle. Sideways is interesting to me since he’s a more recent teen hero yet I find him more relatable than the some of the Marvel ones. When he first gets his powers he tries to become a youtube celebrity and winds up breaking his arm in the process. It’s relatable because I can see some kid actually doing that. His friend who makes his costume and cosplay outfits is cool. His series starts off from this street level stuff to dealing with cosmic level threats and other universes. Yet it’s done so naturally and is well thought out as a story.

Hell even some of the Teen Titans characters from Rebirth seemed ok the last time I read them. Crush seems like a character with potential and depth as this Czarnian who is supposed to be related to Lobo but probably isn’t. I liked her as a character. And the derivativeness isn’t even a problem with her for me. I guess I don’t mind it with DC since they have a history of sidekick culture so it’s not as obvious when compared to Marvel which didn’t really have that.

I guess what my problem is with the new Marvel teen heroes from the All New All Different era is that what potential they had got squandered and many of them were derivative of the big name heroes.

[lizardboy66]

watch me try to link pat’s outfits in bad buddy to his emotions here we go

Ok so pat’s primary colour is blue: it is his signifier. In any scene where pran’s feelings towards pat are in focus, he is wearing blue or the room is coloured blue (see episode 4). Pran’s primary colour is red, we haven’t seen pat in red much since he hadn’t realised his feelings UNTIL NOW but we did see him in red in flashbacks. When they are wearing their own colour that is usually an indication of either being in an environment in which they are comfortable, or in a scenario where their own feelings are the focus.

Pat ends the last episode and starts this one in mostly black and white. This is unusual, his outfits are normally very colourful. This represents his confusion and him forcing himself into a mould. To me this represents his compulsory heterosexuality, needing to change part of his core identity (his style) to fit with heteronormative society. In these scenes he is actively forcing his feelings for ink, but it isn’t working. White is often used in these scenes to represent a level of confusion but still a want to explore. White is his blank canvas. Black often comes up in situations where he is uncomfortable or the situation is made worse because of his actions or the circumstances. Black usually carries a negative connotation.

Then boom: red over the heart. Even though he is wearing the same shirt in the last scene, we only catch a glimpse of the red once he has his “oh” moment about pran. He is still overwhelmingly in black, he has a shirt over the red, it’s hidden. This is our first glimpse at pat’s emotional world.

He then returns to neutrals as he explores his feelings for pat. White is to him the colour of curiosity, of exploration. It’s a blank canvas on which he can experiment. In this scene he explores whether he can be jealous of pran, finds out that he can and bolts. Same.

Sleeves are also a funny one. This may be a stretch but hear me out ok. Whenever there is a scene with a lot more emotional intimacy for pat, he is usually sleeveless. He is more exposed in these outfits, more skin is showing. This could be a representation of how naked and unsafe he feels expressing his feelings and also links to his objectification of himself whenever he needs to cover up a serious emotion™️.

THESE OUTFITS!!! First of all I am not immune to pat’s arms. I’m not. But second of all look at all of that blue. Pat is again sleeveless, this scene also digs up some emotions in him that he isn’t comfortable exploring or thinking about. But he’s in blue. His feelings for pran at this stage aren’t about pran, they are about his own internal struggle with his queerness. Pran is protected by his sad feelings for pat, he uses the song they wrote together to win, he is weaponising his own feelings against pat, whereas pat is literally just in his feels rn.

The last blue outfit we see pat in is this. This scene is deeply hostile but also about concealment. He is hiding how hurt he is (since the shirt under this one is black) with his own colour and resorts to childish violence, as easy release for his complex emotions. Here he is still in his own head, dealing with his internal struggle.

Now pat isn’t clothes at all. First of all I am once again not immune to pat’s arms. Also boobs. But also water imagery is often used in queer narratives in a lot of different ways (see itsay) but here I think it’s a sort of baptism or rebirth. He is washing away all inhibitions, all fears, anything that would make him want to run and hide. He is finally confronting head on all of his confusing feelings that he hasn’t been able to make sense of for all this time.

And now he’s in red. He doesn’t need to hide his feelings anymore and his feelings for pran are no longer an internal struggle, but an external reality. He is sleeveless, he is vulnerable and exposed. Also there is a lot of black, this is a situation which could potentially cause problems and he knows this but that isn’t going to stop him. Gays? We win.

[amazingphilza]

DSMP!OC HEADCANNONS

i dunno if ppl on here make dsmp!ocs for themselves outside art but here’s my long list of headcannons?? idk what to call this, but assume all names have c! before it ofc :]

,, this is kinda messy & probably has a lot of plot holes but i just needed a space to write out all my thoughts LOL

also cw / ment of manipulation & ib: dsmp wiki <3

character origin :

previous life was the l’mantree :D

allegedly planted by schlatt, we will never know who’s my canonical parent(s)

reborn as a dryad after niki burns the l’mantree

i think being a dryad would fit especially since they’re typically nymphs of oak trees :]

appearance :

my character’s mc skin has long light brown hair & is seen wearing a flower crown with petals that are around the color of a pale violet and navy blue

clothing would consist of black shoes & a long light grey sweater that falls down to the legs and covers most of the hands which adorned with 2 black stripes on the upper arms

lore / history :

since my past life was the l’mantree, i would’ve known the ins and outs of the history when l’manburg was still standing, up until niki burned the tree

after witnessing everything, i’d hold a grudge on niki (+ allies?) and loyal to wilbur since he’s the whole person that made a meaning of the land of l’manburg

however i’d still be on edge w any side because i could sympathize with everyone to some extent after seeing some sort of distress from everyone at some point

i think seeing both sides of the spectrum when l’manburg/manburg still stood could change my perspective of some other characters

but at the same time, not everything was completely centered in l’manburg so i wouldn’t know the whole story of everyone’s character

i’m currently writing this just after tommy has left the prison & mostly everyone is treating him differently, so i’d try to befriend him by not showing that i dont care about his past & trauma but also not being fully faithful about our friendship ahaha,,,

he seems like the type that needs someone to see through his past history but tommy would definitely disapprove of my character visiting dream at the prison (i would do it anyway :))

vowing my current life to wilbur, i would help dream escape to revive wilbur & follow along with their plans of chaos

i don’t fully support dream but he is the only way to wilbur, making me comply with dream’s decisions

“growing up” in my past life and witnessing endless conflict, it is the only thing i know and understand; chaos

but i think during the process of helping dream & wilbur i’d keep my connection with them secret, being the person to obtain all the inside information they need

i could see myself as a type of equilibrium like ranboo but in a bad way, i don’t know how to explain it

but i would try befriending ranboo since he seems like he is involved in many things and would know a lot, despite his short term memory

unfortunately i’m not sure how much his character actually knows since i haven’t been able to watch his pov that much but i’m sure there’s a lot in his memory book...

to blend in as a normal person within the rest of the characters, i’d surround myself with connor a lot

not only because he needs more lore, connor is one of the “normal” citizens of the smp so i believe being with him doesn’t bring as much attention to myself, unlike people that’s related to the egg and their noticeable features after associating themselves with the egg

he is currently only on bad terms with techno which is rly good when comparing that to other characters and their relationships with other people

connor could probably sense my real intentions eventually & tell everyone else that i’m not who i say i am but if that’s my flaw & my downfall is caused by connor, so be it! sorry dream & wilbur

i feel like for being a young dryad, i’d still fool around with dream/wilbur & help give tommy an small “advantage” to defeating the two ?

like yes i’m supposed to be on your side but where’s the fun if tommy can’t do anything to begin with?

i honestly don’t know if wilbur was revived he’d actually be his vassal but let’s assume that happens, but either way i’m with wilbur on his decisions

but ya dream seems like the type to punish me for helping tommy and send me to the afterlife to learn & become smarter like wilbur had done or smth

in the end, i just want to give tommy bits and pieces that tease him from ending all the wars and problems he has been faced with

like here’s some info about dream and wilbur but it won’t be no where close to enough

but who knows, ghostbur said ‘villains are just heroes that aren’t convinced yet’ & maybe tommy could eventually grow on me & change my ways,,

maybe me fooling around & teasing tommy with answers he’s been searching for is a way to mask that i want to be a good person

ok but imagine after knowing so much about dream/wilbur, the revive book, & the afterlife & then i switch sides,,,

surely if tommy can’t put and end to them, dream would make sure i’m gone for good instead

but also if me & connor are in good terms & he’s canonically a necromancer & can bring ppl back to life,,,,

personality :

to all besides dream & wilbur, i’d try to act passive and friendly on the outside to get on everyone’s good side

however under the mask i am more mischievous & strive to cause more problems for everyone on the server from the inside out

in a way, i’ve taken up some of dream’s manipulative personality but still very understanding

i’d like to think of my character as a good listener,, trying to do less talking than others so i do not open up about my true self and intentions

i’ve seen rumors about schlatt & mexican dream also being revived along with wilbur & i feel like i’d have some soft spot for schlatt & pick up a few things from his own character, not sure what though

schlatt planted l’mantree theory, dad!schlatt au part 2 !! /j

because of my character’s closed off and quiet personality, i feel like i’d be pretty analytical

i would know how to slip between the cracks with some characters & notice the smallest things to make them question themselves

maybe my character is good at holding their composure, and not that susceptible to being “emotional” in a way so it’s easier to face people

like i understand when a situation is sad, etc but i can’t show emotion towards how i feel about it (i don’t know if that makes sense but ya!)

i wanna try to elaborate more,, like imagine my character before tommy visits the prison, i would be unfazed from when i found out he died to the point he’s released and we find out he’s been revived

everything is a constant blur hehe

i just can’t fully process everything i guess? i dunno if that’s helpful but yeah!

in the end though, my moral compass has been very tainted; despite wanting to show my loyalty, it can be slightly easy to sway me, making me internally feel guilty to other people

but me trying to get on everyone’s good side to impress wilbur/dream to seem useful to them would ruin me before i would even realize that i’m another “pawn”

we know damn well dream is faking it till he “makes it” but yk,,

but i’d be stuck in this kind of dilemma of not knowing what thoughts are my own or just something trickled down from wilbur or dream

there’s like maybe something that clicks in my head like “maybe i wanna think for myself for once” or smth

like who am i really?

powers , bonuses , etc :

since dryads can technically manipulate plants in some ways, theoretically i could control the blood vines to some extent ???

i’m pretty sure dryads can communicate with plants so i could understand what the blood vines are saying as well

maybe i could get a good sense of what the egg is all about and stuff

assuming that i understood anything that was happening with the egg in the first place but anyway—

i guess similar to ranboo like how he can’t really be around water without some type of amour or something, it would make sense for me to primarily reside in a type a forest or be near one ?? who knows

seems a bit morbid in a way because of the whole history but if i can somehow easily get rid of the blood vines without it affecting me (if there is still some there) i think it would be kinda pretty to build a tree base in the middle of the l’manburg crator (iskall tease)

like it can show a sign of some rebirth, not the same government repeated once again but a new era in general

you know how you see like destruction years after it the disaster or smth happened and it gets all overgrown with plants and stuff? ya that’s what i’m going for in my head (mumbo jumbo s7 tease)

i know it’s covered in glass already but i dunno, some broken glass and a giant tree emerging from the whole thing and all the rubble seems cool

i’m not a good builder but i have the vision LMAO

omg puffy is like a sheep human hybrid im pretty sure & like there’s a specific type of dryad that are a protector of sheep & other animals?? i’m not exactly sure but that seems like an interesting element to incorporate somehow

also glatt randomly planting a oak sapling in quackity’s lore stream yes pls feed my nonexistent dsmp character lore /j

i honestly dunno how to incorporate the fact dryads can turn shapeshift into trees when trying to escape something but i read something that if a dryad stays in a tree form for too long they’ll forget who they are and stay stuck as a tree?? which like woah that’s cool & some material but at the same time what—

since everyone’s backstory is kinda a mess, mr beast parent tease bc he planted a bunch of trees /hj

i have realized wilbur saying like “the whole reason i built this nation is gone” & blowing up everything or whatever is kinda a plot hole in like ‘why would i follow wilbur if/when he’s revived when he said this?’ but i’d like to think he was the one that made some meaning of the area lmanburg was on, which includes the lmantree

like he was the one that started everything and created that sentiment of that land, and however he views it now is how i would see it now

he gave meaning to my past life and now in my current life, i feel this obligation to repay him for it

not really lore bc i think it was cc!tommy talking to cc!ranboo about his height & age when he first joined but yk it would funny to make my dsmp character than his just to slightly spite him anyway

canonically 6’4 dryad yes . /hj

also i have no idea anything about hannah and her lore but we do be flower buddies :D

also omg like this isn’t at all important but the way ranboo can pick up grass blocks will just have me at awe, i dunno seems in theme with the forest/plant stuff

and i remember reading like there was something about dryads and apples but i can’t remember but i’d give tommy a bunch of apples /hj

apples am i right chat,,,,,

i’ll just have infinite apples in my inventory, like kill me in game, not like losing lives kinda deal but just in general and boom stacks of apples

“bee i get you’re half tree but do you just poop apples out like they’re nothing??” “girls don’t poop” /j

ok but like no matter how many streams i watch i cant grasp where everything is but omg but no if i was new to the server & stuff, canonically & not, i would feel my character to be the curious kind to explore everywhere

like besides a mini tour from some other person in the server, since my character only knows things in the bounds of lmanburg, i’d go off exploring different places like pogtopia, the sewers, showchester, etc

i feel like my character would be really into history, like they would have questions about what happened to lmanburg after the last war? what was life like before wilbur? what was the whole history about the antarctic empire? i dunno but reading a bunch of books from a library seems really interesting

oh but in theory, me and tubbo are loosely related if you wanna count schlatt as my “dad” because he supposedly planted the lmantree ???

i mean could make sense but it seems like a stretch

also if my character ever got close to schlatt, i’m not sure if this is canon, but i swear one time he mentioned how the whole dsmp sever is just a game/server in a game & he’s the only one that knows that ??? but like imagine if i found that out canonically,,,,,

big existential crisis pls

and i’m not 100% sure how dryad shifting works with like going from female to tree form and stuff but if i’m able to morph into different girls on the server & act as them,,,, the about of problems that can cause in the lore omg

lemme frame niki real quick and get inside information /j

oh ya and like hey bee do you support the government then? yes but no. whatever my “fav” person is canonically (assuming this is based in the beginning of this whole hc) whatever wilbur thinks, i think. head empty. but subject to change as the dsmp storyline progresses and stuff :]

ngl i wanna throw in some like random lore that doesn’t make sense to throw people off but i can’t think of anything

not actually really lore related but my choice of stream music like how ranboo has his undertale stuff that makes everyone cry, i will have in love with a ghost

yup i like in love with a ghost sm & i’m pretty sure their music is like not dmca too which yay but yk theoretically never gonna stream on the dsmp but still a fun aspect to think of bc i love listening to music & it’s very impactful to a story & associating something to it makes it more meaningful :D

like i could imagine the chill pop lofi piano stuff fits witha few lore streams of like exploring the whole smp before my character would really go out with being this lost villain in a way?

tubbo’s gangnam style who?

like i feel like i made my character bad/evil so they could have potential to get better in the future

on one hand, i’ll end up w dream and/or wilbur for the rest of my life, which is okay but i could also switch to be with tommy or even disregard all of them and be with techno/phil or quackity & potentially schlatt even who knows

also i cant wait for more connor lore tho, like as much as i tried to make my character give him more content i wanna see how everything goes with him having connections to schlatt & stuff

anyway i would’ve made concept art for my character but i honestly don’t rly like my art currently but who knows LMAO

and lastly if u read all of this ily /p

i might update this later when there’s more lore but ya

[apollo-justice-for-all]

Snow

AO3 link here

Summary: Apollo recalls his first experience with snow in the Khura'inese mountains with Dhurke and Nahyuta.

--

The Kingdom of Khura'in...or, to be more specific, the faraway mountains. A relatively safe haven for the Defiant Dragons as they planned their coup d'état against the tyrannical Queen Ga'ran Sigatar Khura'in and her equally tyrannical Defense Culpability Act.

The Defiant Dragons had multiple bases set up in the kingdom, from dilapidated buildings to even the complex sewer system underground. They even had spies within the ranks of the royal guards, stealthily observing the queen and her family's every actions - observations that they would then report back to their superiors.

Yet, time and again, the mountains proved themselves to be the primary base of operations for the Dragons. Standing at the pinnacle of the world, the mountains provided a great barrier of nature, one that proved to be impenetrable. No matter how many of the royal guards were sent out, the Dragons could conceal themselves within the dense forests and the vast fields. Even the deepest of lakes and the fastest of rivers could hide them from prying eyes.

But the mountains were also a dangerous place to live in. While the royal guards were a main concern, there was also the matter of other dangerous creatures roaming in the wild. One could easily find themselves face-to-face with a predatory animal like a tiger or a wolf, or a misstep could send someone falling off a cliff to their untimely demise. And, of course, there was always the matter of finding enough food to last an entire group...or a small family.

Dhurke always kept this in mind. Even after all the years he'd spent hiding in the mountains, living in that little shack, he knew there was danger to be had. Not just for himself, but also for his two boys, Nahyuta and Apollo.

Especially Apollo.

From the moment Dhurke took him under his wing, the young child had grown into quite the little spitfire, always full of energy and vigor, and always eager for adventure. Take away that piss and vinegar, and you get just that: a child, all alone, with his father dead and his mother missing. It broke Dhurke's heart every time he recalled the incident: the fire burning away at the palace, Apollo as an infant crying for help as his father lay dead...

He was so lost in thought that he didn't hear the fast pitter-patter of bare feet against the wooden floorboards, nor the sound of a door being swung open. The rush of cold air and a startled squeak, on the other hand, were enough to snap him out of his thoughts.

Dhurke turned around to find Apollo running towards him. His tiny hands were wrapped around something white and mushy, and his cheeks were bright red. He was also shivering from the coldness to the point where Dhurke could see his pointed canine teeth like little fangs (dragon fangs, according to Datz).

"D-D-Dhurke," Apollo spoke up between shivers. "What's this? It's s-so white, and wet and...and...and c-cold!"

Dhurke blinked in surprise. Then, he smiled. And let out a hearty chuckle. He knelt down to affectionately give his foster son a pat on the head, just behind his tiny horns. His other hand came up to poke the white stuff that was slowly but inexorably beginning to melt in Apollo's smaller hands.

"My boy," he said. "All this time in the mountains, and you have no idea about the natural world outside?"

Though, given the circumstances, he figured that being forced to hide from Ga'ran's royal guards was the main factor. But he didn't dare tell Apollo that. Instead, he took a clump of the white and wet...thing...and cupped it in his hands for Apollo to see.

"This is called snow," he explained. "The mountains are topped with it. And, at a certain time of year, it is what covers the land and makes it cold and white."

"S...suh-now..." Apollo slowly repeated.

Dhurke nodded. Apollo took a deep breath and said it again, with more confidence this time. "Snow!" He tossed the last bits of snow into the air, and watched as it scattered on the floor in small droplets.

Apollo frowned. "But if the snow covers the ground, then what happens to the grass, and the plants, and..."

Dhurke chuckled as he stood up. "Well, why don't we find out for ourselves together?" he asked. He went over to the closet and pulled out a large blue coat for himself as well as a smaller red coat for Apollo. He also took out a pair of mittens and boots to keep their hands and feet warm as well as some scarves.

Once Apollo was fully dressed, he followed Dhurke outside the shack and into the fields. More snow covered the ground, blanketing the world in white. Dhurke watched as Apollo gasped in awe at the new surroundings, his eyes sparkling with delight. He then looked down at the snow and ducked down on all fours to dig through it, as if he were searching for his hidden cache of a freshly-killed rabbit or squirrel.

Dhurke knelt down to Apollo's height as he put a hand on his shoulder. "You wish to know more about what happens to the grass and plants when the snow falls, don't you, son?" he asked.

"Uh-huh!" Apollo nodded with enthusiasm.

Dhurke sat down in the snow and pulled Apollo onto his lap. "Well, at this time of year, the plants and grass need to rest and recharge, like the rest of us. When the cold seasons start to settle in, they..." He paused, unsure where to go from there. "...They retreat back into the ground. The earth gives the plants the energy that normally would not be found just by obtaining sunlight and water alone, and the plants, in turn, give themselves to the earth to be reborn again."

He turned to the riverside. "And it's not just the grass that needs to rest, too. Ice forms over the water, and the fish within have to sleep for a very long time. It's the same with some animals, too. Some of them store up enough energy to sleep through and survive the long, cold nights and short days. And others retreat to warmer places."

He glanced up at the sky, noticing that it was starting to snow. "Apollo, listen carefully. Winter is a time when you should reflect upon your past and plan ahead for your future. It is a time to rest your body and mind so that you will be ready come the next spring. But most importantly, it is also a time to remember the fallen ones and to honor their spirits so that they will be reborn anew. And the snow is a symbol of it all - of death, of rest, and of rebirth. That is what makes the life cycle so incredible."

Apollo nodded. "OK," he said. "But what can we do with the snow?"

"How about this?" an older, yet still boyish voice sounded from behind them. As if on cue, Dhurke felt something cold and wet hit his back, startling Apollo. The two of them turned to find Nayhuta dressed in his white coat. He held a snowball in one hand as he grinned, his jade eyes standing out amongst all that white.

Dhurke stared at Nahyuta in bewilderment. Then, he chuckled. "Where'd you come from, my boy?" he asked.

Nahyuta smirked as he clutched his snowball with both hands. "Oh, you know, Father," he said rather innocently. "Just thought I'd surprise you both."

"Well, you certainly managed to accomplish that." Dhurke slowly got up just as Apollo hopped off his lap. "And now, you're going to get it! Raaah!"

Without warning, he scooped up a large clump of snow in his arms and threw it at both his boys. Nayhuta laughed as he dodged the wave of snow. Apollo, however, wasn't so lucky, as he tripped over and fell face-first in the snowbank.

Nahyuta gasped in shock and dropped his snowball as he rushed to his brother's aid. "Apollo! Apollo, are you alright?"

Luckily, Apollo wasn't injured at all. He simply sat up to wipe the snow off his hair and face and glared up at Nayhuta. "Yuty, we gotta get back at him!" he declared.

Nahyuta blinked. Then, he smiled and nodded. "Yeah, you're right," he said. "For the Defiant Dragons!"

The two boys quickly gathered up as many snowballs as they could before launching them at Dhurke. Their father laughed as tiny white orbs pelted his coat before retaliating with some of his own snowballs.

Even as Dhurke continued his snowball fight with Apollo and Nahyuta, he couldn't help but feel a dreaded thought nag the back of his mind. Though the snow held its own beauty, it also came with a danger of its own. Prey animals would become scarce, while predators could take desperate measures by invading the shack in search of any fresh meat they could find. And, of course, there was always the possibility of Ga'ran's followers coming into the mountains in search of them.

He knew that someday, one of his two sons would have to leave Khura'in for his safety. And he knew that day was fast approaching.

But for now, as he lay in the snow with his sons at his sides, Dhurke was happy to live out a snow day free of worry...a day where he and his family would be safe.

At least, for now.

* * *

"What are you thinking about, Polly?"

Apollo yelped as Trucy's voice startled him out of his daydream, so much so that it nearly caused him to fall out of his chair. After taking a moment to regain his composure, he then took a quick look at his surroundings.

Gone were Dhurke and Nahyuta along with the little shack in the mountains, replaced with the warm and messy (yet familiar all the same) office of Wright Anything Agency. Trucy was leaning over his desk in front of him, staring at him with concerned sapphire eyes.

Apollo sighed with exasperation as he rubbed his finger against his forehead. "Trucy, how many times do I have to tell you not to wake me up like that?" he complained. "It scares me every time."

Trucy withdrew from her perch atop Apollo's desk. "Sorry, Polly," she said. "But you looked pretty zoned out. What were you thinking about?"

Oh...that.

Apollo sighed as he relaxed in his chair. "Just...thinking about the times I used to play in the snow as a kid, I guess," he answered solemnly. "Snowball fights, snow angels...even sledding..."

Trucy tapped a finger to her chin, like she usually did when she was thinking hard. "You really miss all the fun times, don't you?" she asked. "It's not like you to feel down in the dumps, you know. You're usually a lot more serious than that, Polly."

And by serious, you mean grumpy, thought Apollo as he pouted a little.

Trucy glanced out at the window...and let out a gasp. "Polly! Polly, look!" she squealed excitedly. "It's snowing outside!"

Apollo blinked with surprise. "Wait, seriously?" he asked.

"Seriously, Polly! You gotta take a look at this!" Trucy pressed her gloved hands against the glass window, grinning with excitement. Apollo got up from his desk to look out the window. Almost right away, his eyes widened with amazement at what he saw.

Outside the office, he saw multiple snowflakes gently falling from the sky, blanketing the city skyscrapers in a soft and fluffy white. Down below, he noticed that some of the streets and sidewalks were empty, as if the people down below had chosen to leave room for nature to take over.

Almost unconsciously, Apollo found himself recalling Dhurke's words: "Winter is a time when you should reflect upon your past and plan ahead for your future. It is a time to rest your body and mind so that you will be ready come the next spring. But most importantly, it is also a time to remember the fallen ones and to honor their spirits so that they will be reborn anew."

He couldn't help but curl his lips into a small smile, remembering his first snow day in the mountains, in a world where he lived alone with his family. He wondered if they were doing the same, looking out into the window of their hideout, remembering that very day...remembering him.

"Hey, Polly!"

Apollo looked down at Trucy, her grin having morphed into a broad, toothy smile. "You wanna go and see if Mr. Gavin and Ms. Skye have taken the day off? I'm sure they won't resist a good snowball fight...or two. It'll be a good way for you to unwind as well."

Apollo thought this over for a moment. Then, he smiled. "Heh, why not?" he replied, his mind picturing a moment where he could finally knock that stupid, smug look off of that glimmerous fop's face.

"Perfect!" Trucy bounced over to grab her coat. "Then let's go make some calls and tell them to meet us over at People Park!"

"I'll be right there," Apollo said. "Just...need a moment." Once he was sure Trucy was gone, he leaned against the windowsill and looked outside once more. He let out a deep sigh as the memories came back to him. For the first time in his life, he realized just how alone he was, in America, without his family by his side.

Yet, at the same time, he couldn't help but think about the new friends and the new family he'd gained here. A group of close confidants who would always have his back no matter what.

He smiled. No matter what happened next, he would be fine.

[cobradoesmcyt]

Black Rose (3/4)

Here comes part 3! Filed with “Death, forgiveness and rebirth”!

Bdubs walked into Idea's warehouse at a leisurely pace, Keralis just a few steps behind him. They had just finished a wonderful breakfast, made my Keralis with the help of Grian's big garden, and they couldn’t be any more confident. They'd ask Xisuma now, because if they delayed it nothing good would happen.

Sharing one last look they walked in, happily greeting Xisuma as they entered. They still don't know if the admin was a part of the Grian was like this, but they mostly lived by the "Innocent until proven guilty" thing so they had no reason to not be nice to him.

"Hi guys! Are you ready for today?" Asked Xisuma, a smile hiding under his helmet as he talked to his two friends.

"Actually, can we ask you something before we start?"

X looked at them curiously, but nodded his head non the less.

"Is what Iskall talked about when he went to new Hermitville really true?" Questioned Bdubs, he hoped that his lying skills were good enough to fool the admin, if not they'd be in a lot of trouble moral vise.

"What exactly was he talking about?" Asked Xisuma calmly, if not a bit stiffly.

"Grian, and how he disappeared two weeks ago and something about wither roses." Said Keralis flippantly, pretending that he didn't really care to remember.

"Ah, that," bit out X, fingers tapping together anxiously, "Yes it's true, we still haven't been able to find him."

"You'll find him eventually!" Said Bdubs faux happily, swinging an arm around his friend's shoulder, "Any idea why he ran away though? Maybe we know places he could be if we know his motives?"

Xisuma looked away from the two of them, guilt shining in his eyes. They deserved to know, he just didn't want to admit that he'd failed one of the people on his server so much that they ran away. But with one glance at Bdubs' curious eyes and Keralis' encouraging smile (both of which were actually mostly true, and not fake) he broke, "I don't know exactly why, but from what I've gathered from Iskall and Ren, the two people who have put themselves fully into finding Grian and apologizing, we poked fun at him without checking to make sure he was ok with it. There's a lot more stuff to probably, but that's the thing we are the most sure about."

The two nodded along to what he was saying, knowing that his words were true (you know, since they live with Grian now and all that). "But why did you wait two weeks to start looking?" Asked Keralis, the daunting question finally being asked.

"We didn't know he was missing until two nights ago when Iskall told us at the server meeting."

They hadn't been at that server meeting since Bdubs had been sick and both Grian and Keralis wanted to stay and make sure he recovered without a hitch, which he did. And Bdubs was thankful he hadn't gone, he would have probably punched Iskall if he'd said that in front of him.

Whilst X had been talking Bdubs had been secretly talking to Grian, telling the short man what was being said and how the admin was talking. After that last tidbit of information he sent Grian a text asking "Do you want to see X? Because we can bring him right now if your ok with it, he's really shaken about all of this"

A yes from Grian arrived a few moments later. Now he just had to get X to New Hermitville, which is actually the easiest part yet it seemed, because all they had to do was say that they had something important for him in the village and he followed along.

As they approached the gates Bdubs saw a badge with a wither rose attached to it. He walked over and detached it before quickly jogging back and handing it to Xisuma. The Void looked from the badge to him with confusion.

"You'll understand soon." Winked Bdubs, leading the admin towards Grian's little house which resides at the outskirts of the village.

They walked up to the house, but instead entering the wood building they walked around the house to the back. Xisuma was confused as to what could possibly be at the back, what was it that they even had to show him? Just as he was about to ask he turned the corner and froze.

They had just entered a garden filled with yellow, pink and blue flowers, there was also two cats and a dog resting on a grass patch near the back door. But that wasn't what made him freeze, it was instead the person in said garden.

Grian stood facing them, a small unsure smile on his face. He was gently holding a spring crocus in his hands, "Hi X."

"Grian?" Breathed the admin in shock, "You've been here all this time? And what happened to your face, and clothes too?"

"Sit down Xisuma, we have a lot to talk about."

And so Grian explained everything to him, about his feelings, the Hermit’s actions and his time with Bdubs and Keralis. By the end X wanted nothing more than to hug the small man in front of him, "Oh god Grian, we didn't realize. God-I'm so sorry!"

The violet eyed man observed the admin for a while, eyes narrowed in thought. He eventually gave a nod and walked up and gave the flower in his hands to Xisuma, "This is my answer."

X took the flower gently, not wanting to harm it and get Grian mad at him, "Uh, not to be rude-but how is this your answer?"

The dirty blond giggled at the question, "It's a spring crocus. It isn't just a pretty flower, it has a meaning. That meaning is my answer to your requests for forgiveness."

Xisuma seemed to hold the white and purple even more gently in his arms at that, as if it was the most precious thing in the universe. And at this moment, that was kind of true.

He looked up at Grian with thankful eyes, hoping that his expression could be seen through his visor, "Thank you. Is it ok if I come back tomorrow? That should give me enough time to look up the meaning of it."

"You can," said Grian, giving the admin a small smile, "It was good to see you X, have a good day." And then he walked back into his house, dog and cats following him back in.

Bdubs patted his admin friend on the back, "Was this important enough?" X could do nothing more than nod, unable to form words, "Good. Now do you want to go back and have the meeting, or do you want to look into the flower immediately?"

"I think we can skip a meeting." Said the helmet wearing Hermit, eyes not leaving the flower in his hands. He was about to walk away when he remembered the badge he was given, he took it out and showed it to the other two Idea members, "Hey, what's with this?"

Bdubs didn't even have to look to know what he was talking about, "It's Grian's crest. He chose it because what was cooler to have as a symbol then the thing that almost was your demise?"

Xisuma clutched the badge in his hand, the black painted metal heavy in his hand with meaning. He left for his base soon after that.

As soon as he left Keralis and Bdubs walked into Grian's house. Said man was sitting at the table, playing with the same badge that Xisuma now has. He put down the metal object once they got in and offered the two a smile.

"I'm curious, what did that flower mean?" Asked Keralis, arms crossed over the table.

"It represents our heart or soul, which blooms when someone we love forgives us. This is me forgiving him, because he hasn't done anything to me directly except forget to ask if I was ok with the few jokes he made." Answered Grian softly, fingers moving to trace the petals of the lotus flower in the bowl of water on the table.

"That's nice. Is he the only one who's forgiven? Or is there anyone else who also is?"

Grian continued to gently caress the pastel pink petals of the lotus as he answered Keralis, "Ren is also forgiven, he never made a lot of the jokes. Python and TFC are also forgiven, but I'm not as close to those two as I am with Re."

"Re?" Asked Bdubs with an eyebrow raised, smile playing at his lips. 

"It's a little joke between me and Ren," smiled Grian, "He's Re and I'm Ri, I don't know why it stuck, but it did."

"Oh, that's so sweet!" Cooed Bdubs, the rave head grinning all the while, "So how are you telling the other four?"

The dirty blond stopped tracing the petals, his hand instead moving to tap on the polished wood of the spruce table, "I'll send letters to TFC and Python, with flowers included of course. And I'll invite Ren down here to talk."

"Sounds like a great idea!" Grinned Bdubs, "Now can you come help me pick out some new flowers for the castle? It's looking a bit too copper and white for me."

"Sure!" Chirped the dirty blond florist, "Just tell me what you feel you're looking for and I'll give you what you need!"

And like that everything went back to normal. Of course nothing was ever normal here, but the peace was back at least. And soon would many friendships also be back, or at least be on the mend.

[obeymematches]

(Part 1) I only use Tumblr to lurk and I've never done an ask before, so I hope this comes through ok! You're an angel (devil?) for doing matchups, so I thought I'd humbly request one! I'm Nikki, and I'm an old lady by fandom standards. I grew up in the deep South US (NC and New Orleans), and lived in Italy for a while. I wanted to be a linguist when I was younger, and I still love learning foreign languages. I have a degree in French (cont in pt 2)

(part 2) and I'm now a lawyer, because academics don't pay the bills. I work with child abuse victims, which is rewarding. I love to travel, but I can't much because a) I got court to go to and b) I also love animals, and it's hard to find someone who will take care of dogs, guinea pigs, and reptiles all at once. I'm sarcastic, kind of flippant as a defense mechanism. I'm usually the funny friend, but I get sassy when I'm on the whiskey (cont in pt 3) (part 3!) I'm a big fan of nonfiction books, especially about science and history, and historical dramas on Netflix. I love Netflix and chill with my partner, but I am pretty independent, so I like spending time alone traveling, taking care of critters, or working out. My love language is acts of service, so I show I care by cleaning the house or running errands for my man/lady. (last part incoming!) (last part!) My partner needs to be independent, with a dark sense of humor, who doesn't mind me venting about the grisly and/or weird stuff I see at work. I do like a responsible guy, 'cause I don't wanna be your mama and your gf at the same time. He should also be accepting of weird backwoods southern-isms, like buying taxidermy, saying "bless your heart", and listening to Dolly Parton and Rebirth Brass Band. Thanks! I love your blog!

Hello love!

Thank you for sending in a request! awwwww i’m glad to be your first! 

I hope you like the result! 

Okay so lets’ see... I’m kind of torn between Lucifer and Barbatos. 

I decided to match you with Lucifer! 

So i’m going to keep it real with you, I think your southern upbringing would add to this relationship a lot. First I thought it’s super risky to do this but let’s go anyway. I mean I don’t really want to bring religion into this, but we all know their background in the game. 

Lucifer would be very wary with anyone coming from a highly religious area, but sooner or later he would learn about your own perspectives. (since you play the game I assumed you’re not the stereotype being an English major taught me)

It would take him quite some time to share his views with you in depth, honestly you have a better chance at getting anyone else to open up about their past than him. But I think once you get someone else to do it and now you already know briefly whats up, he would just tell you himself. After all he takes buliding a relationship seriously once he is truly interested in someone.

I think your academic career and the fact that you are a lawyer would impress him and after he learns this about you, his respect for you will grow. Which is very important when it comes to Lucifer.

Lucifer had quite a lot of centuries to pick up languages. Although he isn’t speaking them all either (i mean he is a demon how many languages would he really need), he sees the value of being a multilingual human. Just to test you, he would sometimes switch between them.

It is canon that he is supposed to be outgoing as well, were it not for his very limited amount of free time. So he definitely understands your struggles to get away, as he is the most responsible demon in the household. Once in a blue moon he would probably get to have a couple of days off with you though. I’m sure he knows people who’d take care of your animals for a few days. (probably not one of his brothers though.) 

He appreciates a sarcastic s/o as he can be a bit sarcastic as well. Your flippant nature will only turn him on, especially since you are also responsible so flippant attitudes coming from you hit differently. 

Drinking with him is something you probably wouldn’t be able to avoid. I’m sure he would enjoy your sassy nature, he is one of the best at handling that so don’t worry about conflicts.

 I’m sure he would be able to talk in detail about historical events as he was there when it was all written. So this would be a common topic of conversation! in a healthy relationship good conversations are a must, so you two got that down as well. None of you is bored! Also I don’t really see him reading fiction tbh, so you are on the same page. 

Netflix and chill is up on his priority list as well, so again no trouble on either side.  

Lucifer in canon can fall in love with whoever it happens with, but an independent partner makes his life easier. By this I mean that he is usually busy so his partner would be very disappointed if they expected him to entertain them for many hours a day. Sure, he does make time for you so you don’t feel neglected as he wants to be a good partner. At the end of the day he is in love. 

He would definitely appreciate your love language! He always needs a helping hand, although he is usually too full of pride to actually ask for help with big things. So basically you’d probably get to do the easy stuff. 

His love language is affection so hopefully you are prepared for lots of private times! 

Also love language is just something you have to talk about with him, I think for his beloved he is willing to do things he normally wouldn’t. like you need a new dress?? want to hold hands in public?? want some reassurement?? gotcha (ok with some of these he might struggle but he tries so we gotta give him that)

I think he fits into everything you described your wish for a partner. he is mature and respnsible, and don’t worry he has heard and seen some stuff your stories would be hard to compare. 

so he has his own sense of decoration and if you look into his room, some taxidermy is just fine... 👀

hmmm idk about “bless” in his case because of reasons mentioned above but thats a conversation he will have with you

 He is also very keen on music, so thats also a topic to discuss. he is probably more into classicals, but he just wants to learn more about his partner to be able to fully love and understand them. so if it means listening to Dolly Parton, then so be it. 

[devil-kindred]

death stranding adventures- final

I finished Death Stranding!

A recap on the events through the end of the game + my thoughts as they occurred below the cut! Beware spoilers if you haven’t played the game!

- left port knot with the order for fragile and found myself looking at a sea of the blob BTs- not exactly a joyous moment. I finally figured out why they look familiar though! They resemble the Portuguese man o’war! Which makes sense in keeping with the beached/aquatic creature theme given: the fish that show up after you defeat the catchers, the catchers themselves, THE WHALE, the little floating crabs, etc. The lions don’t fit the theme obviously, but I chalk that up to them being more of a Higgs thing? Since he’s the reason you encounter one in the first place.

- I got Sam through the floating BT minefield without too much trouble by hugging the moutainside and using the rifle to take out the ones that were closest to make a path. After that, there was a brief reprieve and then I had to fight a catcher BT. Did that then the normal BTs appeared once I progressed a little further. Made it past that, then rushed through mule territory and then, more BTs. This time 4-5 lion BTs (i don’t remember which but I know it was more than 3 because I thought I was done and then about got Sam stomped on by the one that I missed). Finally finished that and got a TON of chiral crystals for my trouble which was admittedly kinda nice, though my thoughts were mostly “please just let me finish this delivery T_T” by that point.

- Continued the trek to the Capitol Knot City and noticed the sky had changed from a color I refer to as “tornado green” to this very ominous red shade. Not a good sign, followed by rumbling noises that made a even worse sign. Nearly to the city gate (as in maybe the length of one of the bridges you can build level close) and then. A whale. Falls. Out of the sky. ._. Guessed it was time for round whatever number I was on at this point and once again, Sam with the standard reaction to weird BTs goes “what the fuck”. My thoughts exactly at this point.

- Climbed onto whatever thing that emerged from the tar was closest and then clambered onto a building that appeared. Was helped once again (as I was with the previous fights) by a ghostly Sam that lobbed all sorts of neat useful things my way, most importantly two grenade launchers and a multi rocket launcher. Thank you ghostly Sam! I would’ve been doomed without your help. Defeated the whale, collected more chiral crystals, then FINALLY made it to capitol knot.

- Delivered the items to Fragile who looked... really not well. I was concerned there was going to be another loss, but Sam waved a cryptobiote in front of her face and she woke up. Prior to Sam walking up to he, Mama/Lockne ran over and tried to hug him which Sam was (understandably) having absolutely none of but at least he was kinda gentle when he stopped her.

- They explained the whole thing that happened and how Fragile was essentially bounced back from Amelie’s beach and that she wanted Sam to go to her. So they have a long convo about how Sam needs to go and has to find a way to stop her, but also understand that he might not be able to come back. Pretty sobering, but ok. He and Fragile do the forehead touch (which I know helps but it’s so cute, I can’t) and she tells him to picture Amelie’s beach and feel the connection to her. Fragile does the same “I know you love her” thing as the first time and Sam gets sent over to the beach. Fragile looked very sad, chiral allergy tears aside. Which, given that she probably considered him a friend by this point, fits since there’s no guarantee he’ll come back let alone be able to stop Amelie.

- Elsewhere, on Amelie’s beach things are... not looking good. There’s dead sea creatures everywhere, the water’s red, and the sun thing looks like it’s going to turn everything on the beach into smoldering ashes any second. Sam finally finds Amelie after running around for a while and she reveals she’s an EE, which he already technically knew thanks to Higgs. Amelie explains a bunch of stuff and tells Sam to make a choice: stay with her and watch the world end (no thanks) or stop her. Sam pulls the gun which does no good and upon following her, gets a prompt to hug her. He does and they both get super emotional (which is in turn making ME get emotional) and then Amelie shoves him away.

- Sam plummets into the ocean and somehow gets bounced back to his own beach. Where he’s blue? For some reason. I don’t think it’s a tint because everything else on the beach looked the same colors it always was in prior sequences. He’s the only thing that’s not. Which, there is a reason for I’m sure. Anyways.

- Cue running along the beach for eternity a good while with Sam stopping every so often to sit down and catch his breath as well as reflect on what Amelie told him. Which was a lot. She explained that she and Bridget are one and the same, a separation of Ka and Ha that managed to coexist. She also says she got bored of waiting for the end and decided to bring about the extinction early and, while I can understand that’s her purpose as an EE, way to say fuck humanity I guess.

- In between more running and resting, it’s revealed that Sam is the BB Cliff (aka Mr. Combat Veteran) was looking for. His son. (Which you find out kinda after fighting him for the third? time.) Sam was apparently an experiement and a potential sacrifice (man this game gets dark fast) for something. Die-Hardman- aka John- told Cliff as much in less words and instructed him to take his son and run. Cliff does and bad things ensue when he gets cornered. John/Die-Hardman was given the order to shoot Cliff and when he refused to Bridget/Amelie made him, quite literally, by grabbing his hand and making him pull the trigger. My thought process during these has bacially centered around “wow Bridget is awful” but add the swearing of your choice to that sentence. Basically, I do not feel charitable towards Ms. Extinction Entity.

- Cliff took BB Sam out of the pod at some point and when Bridget shot him via using John/Die-Hardman as a puppet, she also shot BB Sam. Upon realizing this, she freaks out. Which is understandable given that she just killed a man and a baby. But what did she think was going to happen? That Cliff would throw his teeny baby son across the room when she pulled the trigger? What exactly was her expectation here?

- So BB Sam died and went to the beach. Or was it his own beach? They all start to blur together a little after a while. Amelie finds the BB, which is blue because it’s not breathing (ooh hey maybe that’s why adult Sam is blue? ... but my understanding is when Fragile jumped him to Amelie’s beach, all of him went— not just his soul. So maybe not? Is it symbolic? Am I just looking too hard into this?) and does infant cpr (I think?) and lo and behold, BB Sam is brought back to life! She tells him she knows the way home and puts him in the ocean. & in upsetting the balance of life and death, she made him a repatriate

- Once again back on the beach, Sam decides he’s had enough of being stuck there and remembers the gun and Amelie’s words that “a gun won’t help you here but it still has a role to play” and decides to use it as a way to end the beach cycle. There’s a click and then the title “Death Stranding”. I was very confused at first and just kind of stared at the tv like “that’s it? All that for—“ and then a little button prompt showed up on the bottom with the words “reconnect with the living”. Push the button and oh look, Sam’s still alive (Which is very much a joyous moment for me as a concerned player)! He tries again a few times and realizes it doesn’t work, then hears a very familiar song. Following the sound he finds little BB handprints in the sand and following those leads him to some familiar voices.

- Amelie/Bridget shows up again, this time in white as opposed to her signature red (i know there’s symbolism in that change, maybe rebirth? or just signifying that she’s trying to be on humanity’s side of things this time around?) and tells him that he still has ties to the living and then points at the five figures floating in the sky⏤ presumably meant to represent Deadman, Mama, Lockne, Heartman, and Lou. Or is it Deadman, Mama/Lockne, Heartman, Lou, and Die-Hardman? Following that, various voices belonging to those mentioned above remark that they can see him and just need to bring him back. Sam winds up in the ocean again (i’m finishing up this post almost a week after beating the game so my memory is tad iffy on the exact way things happened) and is greeted with the sight of Deadman holding Lou in her little pod while he’s got his hand around Sam’s ankle.

- They manage to bring him back to the land of the living and what follows is a fair amount of cutscenes. In the absence of Bridget/Amelie/Samantha ‘America’ Strand (the woman who never existed), Die-Hardman takes up the mantle of president (good for him!). He reveals his face to the crowd (and presumably everyone watching from... wherever they may be) and starts talking about the unsung hero none of this would’ve been possible without... which is about the time Sam, who’s been hanging out in the very back of the room (mood), decides to bail (also a mood). He slows a little when Die-Hardman says the hero doesn’t need to be named, they all know who it is and they’re all for grateful for their efforts. He keeps walking and exits into the hall and wow, BRIDGES buildings are a lot bigger than you’d think from looking at the outside which is large in general but inside is... a lot.

- Deadman catches up with him and drops some information about Die-Hardman aka John. Which I think Sam already knew due to the sequence while trapped on the beach but oh well. Sam continues down the hall and tries to pass Die-Hardman who appeared from somewhere? I’m going to guess parts of the facility loop or there was a change in scenery and I just wasn’t paying enough attention. He confesses information about his past, including how he got his name, and kinda has an emotional breakdown which made me very sad for him and increased the number of times i cried while playing this game. Sam gives Die-Hardman/John back his gun and repeats Amelie/Bridget’s words and leaves.

- Sam goes to leave the building and runs into Deadman again who hands over Lou’s pod and... Lou’s dead. Which was very depressing and the knowledge of which hurt. A lot. Deadman tells him to take Lou to the incinerator and takes Sam’s cuffs offline while giving some useful information: his location is undetectable by BRIDGES while his cuffs are offline and they will automatically reconnect to the network when he uses the incinerator. Sam nods, gives Deadman a hug and tells him “thanks for everything”. Which is more than a thank you, it’s a good-bye and kojima has now broken my heart into five billion pieces. Sam departs, gets out the big door, and... oh hey, Fragile!

- They chat briefly, during which she reveals that she’s carrying on her father’s legacy and that Fragile Express now has a private contract with BRIDGES and they’re the first independent company to have it. Good for them! She comments on Lou (I think) and remarks that he at least shouldn’t need an umbrella. Then asks him if he’d work for her. Sam says no and explains how he felt when he first began his journey and reveals he still feels that way (and now i’m even more sad! let’s take the five billion pieces that are my heart and just shove them in blender at this point, why not!). Fragile is upset and I think she tried to stop him again but he left anyways. 

- Thus begins the trek to the incinerator with BB’s Theme playing on the way there (it’s a wonder i could even see the tv at this point as the ending just keeps hammering the sad nail home). Finally made it to the incinerator taking the same path I did on the first visit (thanks Igor for the tools!) and Sam enters the building, takes off his cuffs and sets both those and Lou’s pod down on the incinerator before he remembers Deadman’s words. He snatches Lou’s pod back just in time and the slab descends into the floor, the doors seal shut, and turn his cuffs into ashes. It’s revealed that Sam took Lou out of the pod and not much has changed. He tries infant cpr and hearing his words the entire time literally had me sobbing. Sam says “come on baby’ and he’s crying (i’m crying and now the blended pieces of my heart are being run over by a steam-roller) until he finally gives up... and then... Lou lives! There are a bunch of baby BT’s floating nearby in the incinerator which is a little concerning, but hey Lou’s alive! Sam cradles little Lou to his chest and she’s so tiny⏤ her little skull is barely the size of his palm! Anyways, Sam and Lou walk outside and it starts to rain... but the sun is shining, the rain causes no harm to him or Lou (or Sam’s clothing) and a rainbow appears. The first normal rainbow in the entire game. Which is a good sign, I think? The title screen appears once more and woo! I beat the game!

This was a very unique and fun game, and I can honestly say I enjoyed every minute of it. Between the music, the environment, the characters, and all the lore you can uncover by reading Sam’s mail... it was an amazing experience. I still have some trophies I’m missing and I think I only need 10 more to platinum the game so I’ll be playing chapter 15 for a little while longer. Plus I want to rebuild all the roads + find all the memory chips. I do want to replay the game in it’s entirety sometime just to see what i pick up on ahead of time the second go-around. And, while I may have beat the game, this is going to be another one of my forever fandoms. I don’t have much contributed right now, but I hope to have more things posted soon now that I know the whole story. if anyone ever wants to chat about the game, fic, or anything, feel free to send me a message!

[excindrela]

12 Days of Demon Ayno- Day 8

Supernatural AU

Pairing: demon! Ayno (Noh YoonHo) VAV / Female reader

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: Occult - non Judeo/Christian celebrations

Word Count: 3380

AU: Welcome to Day 8! (Is it ok that we’re still doing Christmas?)  Today is fluffy...but important (that’s all I’m going to say about it for now!). More smut is on the way in Day 9! I love feedback- so if there’s something you like, or something you want to see- tell me!! Thanks to everyone who has stuck with me on this! Special thanks to @quyennie​ for being my proofreader, and @itsakpopalypse​ for coming up with the amazing description of Leo!

Demon Ayno: Summoned | Thanksgiving | 12 Days: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Day 7 | Day 8 | Day 9

On the 8th Day of Christmas: You Met Leo

You were stretched out on the bed, laying on your belly, feet lazily kicking in the air, staring into your laptop as you tried to work your way through your overflowing e-mail inbox. Ayno was lying next to you, his head cradled in the small of your back, reading a large hard-backed volume that was old enough to have cloth on the binding and cover. The fabric was now a little threadbare in places allowing the thin wood to show through, and it had that old library book smell that you caught a hint of as he turned the yellowed pages. It was also written in Greek, which was not surprising- the antiquities section of the library was one of his favorite places.

“Do we have plans on Wednesday night?” he inquired absentmindedly.

You thought for a moment. “I don’t think so. The office Christmas Party is on Saturday night…but I don’t think we have anything before then. Why?”

“I was invited to a holiday party. I was hoping you would go with me.”

“Sure.” You said as you unsubscribed from a newsletter for the fifth time.

…and then it hit you. “You were invited to a holiday party?? By who??”

“My friend Leo. He is having a party to celebrate the solstice, and he invited me. I think he is curious to meet you.”

“Leo? You have a friend?”

“I think so.”

“Where did you meet him?”

“He runs a shop in downtown.” Ayno paused hesitantly and sat up, “He knows.”

You stopped cold and stared at him. “He knows what?”

“About me. What I am.”

You started at him in shock. “Ayno…you told someone??” you whispered.

Ayno shook his head vehemently, “No! He just knew. As soon as he saw me, he knew.”

You sat up and took Ayno’s hands. “I think you need to tell me the whole story”, you said softly.

“It was not long after I received my key. I had gone out to explore downtown, and I had decided to turn south to go home, when I suddenly felt compelled to go a different direction. I walked west into the part of downtown that has not been made new yet. I just felt something pull me in that direction. I walked until I came to an area where the shops are all arranged in a square around courtyards, and in one of them was a shop called The Ace of Cups. The Ace of Cups is the card of intuition and spirituality in the tarot deck. When it is upright it means opening up to possibilities and new beginnings, upside down it indicates loss, instability and pain. The picture on the sign was upright, so I went inside. I think you call it a ‘metaphysical’ shop: herbs, crystals, supplies for wiccans and druids- things that pertain to the occult. I understood why I was drawn there- it seemed familiar.  As soon as I entered a man emerged from the back and stared at me. His gaze at me was very intense…it scared me...and his eyes were blue…but they were not a normal blue. He spoke to me.

“Marry meet, friend. Can I help you?”

“I was drawn to your shop. I am not from around here.”

The man snorted. “That’s an understatement. We don’t see much of your kind. Do you have business here?”

I knew then that he knew something about me. I tried to proceed cautiously. “I mean no harm. My Patron lives nearby. I am granted freedom to occupy myself when I am not attending her.”

He seemed intrigued. “You have a regular customer?”

Ayno shook his head “I am in service. I have not been released.”

“How long have you been here?”

“Eight risings before All Hallows Eve.”

“That’s a long time for you. Are you trapped?”

“No, no. She is pleased with me and desires me to stay. I have grown fond of her. I do not wish to be released.” Ayno hung his head. “Please. I am not a virulent entity- I will cause no harm. This place feels…comfortable.”

The man stared at him intently, considering his plea. “By what name are you called?”

“I am Ayno.”

“Very well, Ayno. So long as there is no malicious intent, you are welcome here. I am Leo.”

 You sat for a moment, absorbing the details of the story. “Sweetheart, why didn’t you tell me?”

Ayno looked down and picked at a loose thread on the cover of his book. “I am sorry. I was afraid you would panic and send me away.”

You placed your hand on his cheek. “Ayno- look at me. I have no intention of sending you away. I’m just afraid that someone might try to hurt you or separate us if they found out.”

Ayno crawled forward wanting the reassurance of your arms, sighing as you held him tightly with his head against your chest. “I should have told you. I am sorry. Forgive me for not trusting you.”

You kissed the top of his head and stroked his hair. “It’s ok, I’m not mad. Trust takes time, it has to be built. I understand you aren’t used to trusting people.” You sat there holding him, turning his story over in your mind. “Ayno? One thing I still don’t understand: How did Leo know what you are??”

Ayno gazed up at you, “I do not know. But I do not think Leo is from around here either.”

*          *          *

You walked twelve blocks through the chilly night air into the area of downtown known as The Mews. The Ace of Cups was located in the third quad you came to. Ayno placed his hand on the small of your back and gently guided you past the ornate iron gates and into the crowd of people in the courtyard. You went to the food table so he could drop off the rosemary and sea salt roasted almonds he’d spent the afternoon making. You stood taking in the sight, eventually realizing someone was staring at you. The man in question was tall and broad shouldered but slender. He had high rounded cheekbones and his eyebrows arched at an angle that make him seem exceptionally intense. His nose was long and angled, and tilted down above his full lips, before the lower part of his face curved into an oval. You nudged Ayno who turned and followed your line of sight. “That is Leo”, he said raising his hand in greeting. Leo raised his hand back, and then disappeared into the crowd.

There were more people than you had thought there would be. You weren’t sure what you were expecting, but people were wearing outfits that ranged from Game of Thrones to Wall Street day broker. There was a small bonfire near the front that some of this odd assortment had gathered around keeping warm. Scattered around the courtyard were tables that seemed to have various crafts to do, wares to buy; as well as one for food, another for drinks and a third for sweets. Toward the back, there were paper bag luminarias arranged in a spiral.

You and Ayno took a slow lap around the place looking at all the different things and Ayno said hello to people. His eyes lighted on one of the craft tables and he said, “Oh wreath making! We should make a wreath- we do not have one on our door.”

“Now that you mention it- we don’t, do we? I used to have one with glass balls on it- but it broke.”

You approached the table and looked at what appeared to be a pile of dismembered Christmas tree, baskets containing things like holly and cinnamon sticks, rolls of red, green and white twine, and stacks of what looked like twigs that had been bent and tied into rough circles. “I don’t think I’ve actually ever made a wreath before” you said looking at all the supplies and wondering how exactly to start. “It is not difficult I will show you how”, Ayno said happily. He walked you over to the wreath making table and selected a circle of vines that had been tied together. Then he carefully selected a piece of evergreen and wound it between the vines and used green twine to tie it in place. “See?”, he said, “Easy. We just keep doing this.” Five minutes later it became obvious that you did not have the knack for this. Ayno laughed and told you to choose the evergreen boughs and he would tie them on. In no time at all, you had a beautiful fluffy green wreath that smelled fabulous. Ayno pointed at the baskets on the table, “Oh holly and pinecones! We must have those too. You choose, I will arrange.” You pulled some sprigs out and a couple of pinecones and handed them to him. Ayno talked while he worked, “The wreath is a symbol of the wheel of the year. Holly is masculine. It is used on wreaths because the thorns are thought to keep evil spirits from entering a home”, he said as he arranged them and used more twine to tie them in place. Then he ran a fat red ribbon through the back as a hanger. “What do you think?” he said holding it up for your inspection. “It’s beautiful” you said with a soft gasp, “You know, you’re actually very artistic.” “Thank you!” he smiled, “I am satisfied with it. I think it will look nice on our door.” Ayno carried it over to the fence and hung it around one of the loops in the rod iron, next to the other ones that had been completed as well. “We can hang it here for now and take it with us when we leave tonight.”

You moved on to another table where there was a strange assortment of supplies. “What is all this Ayno?” He smiled, sat down & patted the chair next to him. “We are making things to hang in the trees for the birds. Part of the joy in the solstice is giving back to the earth and providing for rebirth and spring.” A nice woman in a green velvet cloak came over smiling “Merry meet Ayno! This lovely lady must be your girlfriend. Would you like to make birdseed ornaments?” Ayno nodded, “Yes Celestine! How do we make?” She told you to choose shaped cookie cutters as she poured birdseed into bowls. Then she patiently showed you both how to dissolve flour and gelatin into hot water and mix it into the birdseed. Then you pressed the sticky mixture into greased sun and heart shaped cutters you had picked. You stuck a drinking straw into it, and then lifted the cookie cutter off and pulled the straw out. “Excellent work. When they set, we’ll run a ribbon through the straw hole, and hang them in the trees for the birds!” Celestine said as she added them to a cookie sheet with others and bustled them off to fridge to set up.

The next table had large baskets of oranges and bowls of cloves and cinnamon sticks. “Ah! Pomanders! Have you made before?”, Ayno asked. These you knew. “Aren’t these from the Victorian era?” He nodded, “They were very popular then.” You paused for a moment as a realization hit you, “You were there- in the Victorian era- weren’t you?” Ayno gave a small smile and nodded, “Yes. I have been making these for a long time.” You sat watching Ayno braid ribbons and wrap them around the oranges, suddenly awed at how old he really was and how many times and places he had seen and experienced. He handed it to you when he finished and began another for himself. You set the orange down and wrapped your arms around him, hugging him tightly and nuzzling into the crook of his neck. He placed a soft kiss on your temple and whispered “I do not know what has caused this, but I would like it to occur as often as possible.”

It did not take long for you to finish your pomanders- Ayno’s a complicated pattern of swirls ringed with rows of cloves and cinnamon sticks tied at the top, and your simple- if slightly crooked- rows of peeled stripes and clove buds. Ayno hung them on the fence with your wreath and led you over to a tall table that had strips of paper and assorted pens. “Mmmm. This is important. Choose a paper, and on it write down that which you would you want to let go of in your life. Anything you would like to unburden, things you would like to leave behind in the darkness. You can use as many as you need: one, ten, a thousand.” You took a paper and stared at it, with a ball point pen poised above trying to think of all the things in your life that weighed you down. You glanced at Ayno, who seemed very comfortable using a glass fountain pen, dipping it into a vial of ink and writing words gracefully across his paper in a language you didn’t recognize. “Your writing is beautiful.  What language is that?” You asked. “Mine.” He said simply. 

“For something that is supposed to be evil it’s awfully pretty.” 

Ayno’s hand paused, and without looking up he replied, “There are many things in the world that are purely evil but come wrapped in the guise of beauty.” 

You weren’t sure if you shivered from the cold or Ayno’s words, but he noticed your blue lips and sent you to wait near the dying fire while he got you something warm to drink.

He’d only been gone a moment when Leo seemed to magically appear at your side. He watched Ayno go and then looked at you quizzically, “Tell me, Ayno’s foolish mortal girlfriend: whatever possessed you to summon a demon and then keep it as a pet??”

“I didn’t summon him”, you stated.

Leo seemed confused. “That’s not possible. Ayno cannot simply appear- he has to be summoned.”

So, you told Leo the story about the Halloween party, and the book, and how Gia had summoned him, and he had come through your mirror.  

“Interesting”, he said, “You didn’t actually summon him… yet he remains bound to you…but why did you keep him?”, Leo pressed.

You shrugged, “Well…he’s very good at what he does…and my apartment was kind of messy…my life was kind of messy- I needed some help, and it turned out that I liked coming home to him …he’s easy to talk to and has a good sense of humor and one day I realized I didn’t want him to go…so I just never released him.”

“In other words, you kept him as a sex slave and a maid and then discovered he was actually a sentient being, is what you’re telling me?”

You were embarrassed. It sounded so awful when he said it like that. “Wow that makes it sound really bad. I know- in retrospect my reasons were feeble, and it was not exactly ‘right’ …but it’s not like that anymore. I care about him- so much. If he is unhappy all he needs to do is say it, and I will let him go- I would never want him to stay against his will.”

Leo looked at you -the challenge visible in his eyes. “Yes”, you whispered, “I love him.”

Leo nodded and gazed off into the distance for a moment. “You do know that he can kill you right?”

You were silent for a moment and then nodded, “Yes, I suppose he can, but I don’t really think that’s Ayno’s thing.”

“No”, Leo said “It isn’t. But he is still a demon- keep that in mind. It’s like getting a tiger cub and raising it as a house cat. Just be careful.”

You glanced up to see Ayno making his way back to you across the courtyard. Leo followed your gaze. “Ah- wassail. That will help warm you up, and it is almost time for the Yule log, so the fire will warm you too.”, Leo said as he started to move on and then stopped, and turned and looked at you. “For what it’s worth- he’s in love with you too.”

A few moments later, someone began ringing a bell and calling for everyone to gather around the fire which had diminished itself to embers. Ayno came and stood behind you, pressing his warm body against yours and wrapping his long arms around you.  Celestine and Aysheh wove through the crowd carrying baskets of holly and acorns. Ayno instructed you to take one of each. You watched as Leo and 3 other men carried in a large oak log decorated with ribbons, evergreen boughs, holly and mistletoe. A man wearing an outfit that looked like Santa Claus styled by the renaissance faire and a woman who looked like every illustration you had ever seen of a medieval druid came forward and began speaking. They called for all the lights to be extinguished; then they welcomed everyone. They asked all present to take a moment to dwell in the darkness -to know that this was the longest night of the year. They invited you to think about the past year, the old the things that you were ready to shed and leave in the darkness, and to envision the light returning- coming back to you- bringing new things into your life- awakening parts of yourself that had gone dormant and slept. The Santa Man stepped forward and raised his hands, as the Yule log was placed into the glowing embers everyone chanted with him “May the log burn, May the wheel turn, May evil spurn, May the Sun return.” The fire began to grow, and as it did, people stepped forward to toss the holly and the acorn in – some calling out things they were thankful for or hopes for the new season. Next, you tossed in the slips of paper you had written on- symbolically leaving those things in the past. When the crowd had committed their personal pains to the fire and vowed to embrace the possibilities of the coming year, everyone cheered and rang bells before launching into a lusty rendition of Deck the Halls.

Somewhere around the second chorus, Ayno pulled you away and led you to the spiral of luminarias at the back of the courtyard. He walked slowly backwards, holding your hands and pulling you through the softly lit path. “Thank you for coming with me tonight. I have had such a good time. I was so happy to share this with you; I hope you were not bored.”

“No! It was really interesting! …and I’m really glad I came. Now I understand how you feel all the time: having little to no idea what is going on, and just trying not to call attention to yourself and look like you know what you’re doing. Afraid you’ll say the wrong thing and give yourself away. Honestly Ayno – you’re amazing, and I have new respect for how hard you try every single day.”

Having reached the center, Ayno stopped walking. He pulled you in close and brought your face to his. “Worth it”, he said as he kissed you gently and deeply.

“I’m cold”, you said, “Let’s go home and you can warm me up.”

“Look at that”, he smiled as the burgundy flooded his eyes, “Solstice wishes coming true already.”

*          *          *

 Leo stood leaning against the door of the shop, humming to himself as he watched you and Ayno depart the festivities. Your coat pulled tightly around you, your hair lifting slightly in the winter breeze; Ayno towering over you with your tiny hand in his huge one, his wings folded gently against his back, tail swaying as he walked, and his horns spiraling gracefully up into the moonlight.

Celestine paused as she walked past with another tray of completed birdseed ornaments, “Leo- what are you humming? I know that tune, but I can’t place it.”  Leo gave a small smile, and sang in his soft angelic voice:

“Just a little change

Small to say the least

Both a little scared

Neither one prepared

Beauty and the Beast…”

[mellz117]

Mellz plays KH Re:Com on PS2, Reverse/Rebirth (Riku’s campaign) Part 2

Yeah I hate Larxene. She’s mean for the sake of being mean, she has no redeeming qualities. Xemnas at least has a goal, Larxene is just an asshole just to be so. She reminds me of Agent South from Red vs Blue, whom I also can’t stand lmao.

Now that THAT’S out of the way....

Check out part 1 of Riku’s campaign if you’re joining me for the first time! Also linked there is the beginning of my time with Sora’s part of the game. Otherwise, let’s continue.

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Snibbs shout out to you for warning me about Wonderland. LETS GO THERE RIGHT NOW!

Ok I think I know that you meant. I have like 20 cards but only 9 show up in battle.

Oh wow ok. I only ever have 9 cards to work with in Wonderland which sucks against the boss. So I died.

I'm getting so mad right now. I died 4 times. Ok. After reaching the next floor a cut scene plays and Lexaeus tells Zexion that Vexen is dead, which he already knew because "his scent is gone". Some convoluted bullshit gets talked about, if the hero of light loses his path the Organization might find use for the hero of darkness. If the hero of light goes astray YOU STILL HAVE ROXAS.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

So I'm at the Olympus Colosseum and after a while I started wondering out loud

"Can Dark Firaga heal Hades?"

And my sister, who's been eating Ferrero Rocher says "Dark Ferrero?"

Thanks, Rose. Do they make Ferrero Rocher with dark chocolate? I kinda want that.

I do not struggle with Hades at all. Ever. Especially when I don’t have a stupid DUCK casting fire spells.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

When we finish the Colosseum Riku meets Lexaeus, who's already got his tomahawk out. He's ready to kick ass and take names. Nobody here has any time to stop and smell the white, ceramic roses do they?

He calls Riku an infantile coward (a wussy baby) and battle ensues.

Oh ho-ho on battle attempt number 5 we both had one hit left in our HP bars. Guess who won!

NOT ME!

Death count with Lexaeus was 6 after a bunch of grinding. My card count wasn't a problem it was my HP.

Jesus christ, Lex. Hes 15, give him a break. No, not shatter his back on the ceiling...

Well now you done it. Ansem took over and kicked your ass for Riku.

Rose: "Sorry, Ansem, I don't think you're his type"

Please stop talking. Seriously. Someone call the feds omfg

Zexion laments Lexaeus’s defeat. He sounds so sad about it. Were they close?This melancholy mood is quickly shoved aside when Axel appears. They both casually discuss who of the remaining Org13 members in this castle is gonna die next. Zexion leaves to confront Riku himself.

It doesn’t take long before Marluxia's dead, which is enough power to SHAKE THE WHOLE CASTLE and Zexion shows himself to Riku. "Sora's destiny is to fight the darkness, including you, Riku". he says and peaces out until we get the Destiny Islands.

Poor Riku, constantly being bombarded with reminders of his mistakes. These bad guys REALLY like to give him a hard time. LET HIM LEARN WITHOUT HURTING HE’S TRYING HIS BEST.

The Darkside is also a super easy boss. Especially at this point in the game. It's like a bull against a mouse, and the mouse wins. The mcguffin card showed up at the end when it wasn't necessary but I used it anyway.

There’s a door. Oh I get a choice? I don't remember that door. I always just went up to "Sora". What happens if I pick the door?

God damn imagine how BEYTRAYED Riku feels, thinking Sora has turned against him. Hm, well Sora sure knows how it feels now Riku does too!

He looks so sad...

A figment of Kairi appears before Riku. “There is no power than can defeat you” she says. So Riku is OP? She means like, one nor the other has to be his downfall. She tells him the darkness will make him stronger but that’s what ANSEM has been telling him this whole time. And Riku just believes this illusion of Kairi… why? She’s parroting Ansem and Riku’s like “...Yeah that sounds legit”

……………………………………………………………………………………………

What does darkness smell like? Like a damp towel? Stale potatoes?

Battle ensues. So I didn't realize Zexion was stealing my cards to use against me. So what a surprise when I paused to do something and he's got Soul Eater in hand!

Upon exiting the Destiny Islands a cutscene in the darkroom plays. Zexion is scared half to death by Repliku before he realizes Axel is there too. Oh how short that wave of relief lasts... Axel manipulates Repliku and has him kill Zexion. Axel is a bastard. How would killing Zexion help Repliku? What does he know too much of? Isn't he still loyal to Xemnas? Or did he defect like Marluxia and was considered a traitor? Is AXEL even still loyal to the Organization at this point?

Poor Zexion.

The disembodied voice of Ansem Seeker of Darkness calls out to Riku. "Who's there?!" Riku asks, totally forgetting the fact he has seen this man talk with this voice. Canonically it's the same voice. It may be different to the audience but in canon it's the same!

Mickey is at full opacity.

I really like seeing this side of Riku, more silly and cute.

Riku just really needs a hug.

Riku is just completely overcome with relief and his legs give out on him. He’s not alone anymore. When did they get the time to bond between the end of KH1 and CoM?

I'm reading this aloud and Rose says, when I'm done. "No, no, you have to do the voice”

Ok so I went back and reloaded the save before the Darkside fight and the door just leads you to the previous room in case you want to save. Now with that over with, we go to Twilight Town

……………………………………………………………………………………………

DiZ tries to be all "ooh Im evil, I’m Ansem, be very afraid Riku". They battle pose and nothing happens for a too long an awkward moment of time and Riku sees right through this farce.

"You're not the true Ansem" ACTUALLY HE LITERALLY IS THE TRUE ANSEM THE ANSEM YOU KNOW IS TERRANORT’S HEARTLESS LMAO. Look if any of you reading this don’t know Diz and Ansem the Wise (not seeker of darkness) are the same person, what are you doing here?

Oh look it's that ho. I know I keep dragging Repliku but I'm just remembering his death scene and I'm really sad again. I honestly feel so bad for him. He needs a hug. He's super distressed and it's just so heartbreaking. Help!

“Your own darkness doesn’t scare you anymore”

“How can you tell?”

How many of you have played Sonic Adventure 2?

Repliku’s feelings of existentialism hurt me. 

I stop feeling bad for him with every death I face

I was grinding for level ups and this happened

I’m barely within its despawn range lmao

……………………………………………………………………………………………

I did it! I don't know how but I beat Repliku! Guess a lot of dueling is the technique? Because I ended up doing that a bunch.

So Repliku is dying. I gave him a lot of crap and drug him through the dirt but the fate of Repliku is a heartbreaking one. He's just laying there and accepts his fate. HE DIED SO YOUNG.

I’m suddenly reminded of this omg

Let’s get back on track.

What DOES happen if a replica dies? Riku ponders as well, perhaps they go to the same place as a normal person. THIS SCENE MAKES ME SO SAD [video]

After all this anger and drama I'm glad that Riku feels pity the replica. He's not heartless. We now enter the mansion and into the... Basement? Is the pod room in the mansion’s basement?

Omg shes so cute.

She shows Riku the pod Sora’s in and Riku's wigging out, thinking Namine's done something wrong with him. Riku, you’re scaring her!

She explains what he's doing there and offers to use her power to make Riku forget the darkness. Riku is concerned he could forget his loved ones as a result. 

Riku is king of sass

God damn I love this kid. Little shitlet half the time but I love him. My son. My boy. That stupid finger waggle

DIZ! YOU'RE 3 FEET I FRONT OF RIKU. JUST HAAAANNND HIM THE CARD LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING. THIS AIN’T YU-GI-OH!

GEE I WONDER! Think back what, 10 years ago? Is that when BbS took place?

Riku is ready once and for all to fight Ansem and tells Mickey to stay behind because there’s no point in fighting him if Riku can’t win with his own power.

He’s like “Hey do me a solid? if I don't defeat Ansem, just kill me.” 

Riku-interrupting Mouse interrupts him “Sure I’ll save you if that happens”

“No, no. If I lose, DESTR-”

-”Nope!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Here’s [part 3] of Reverse/Rebirth, as well as my final thoughts.

[fireintheforest]

Beetles

The sun was now shining with more strength than it had during the rainy season that could be called winter in the Isles, and now the blooming trees and the vibrant flowers reflected the start of spring. Cherry blossoms, weeping willows, lotus flowers in the pond, vines with star-shaped white petals with blue and purpleish freckles in them, tall plants with heart-shaped leaves, a crisp and cool air, scents of both flowers and berries; nature around was flaunting as much of its power as it could, enticing the eye with rebirth and beauty.

Walking amongst all these plants was Saufinril, his hair tied back in a plait that shyly grazed his shoulders. He swung a stick here and there, moving aside the plants that threw themselves at the path he was walking. His eyes sometimes scanned the vegetation that moved aside and other times he’d tear his gaze away from the small dirt road to look around.

“Ganra!” he called, then kept on. He knew the property of his aunt’s house stretched until the stream, in which case he had to go back. He’d seen his brother scurry away with his cousins when they arrived and he wasn’t particularly keen on staying back in the house, hearing the adults’ conversation about politics, business and whatnot. Besides, Graywatch had asked him to please go get his brother since they were going to leave soon. Sometimes he wished the Graywatch of when they visited relatives or were out of the house were the same as the one at home.

“Ganra!” he scratched his elbow. They were supposed to be around, him and their cousins usually hung out by these sides. He turned his head to the left and that’s when he spotted the pink and green of his cousin’s robes. Upon hearing his voice, his cousins turned to look behind and immediately scattered away. All that was left was his brother, holding something on his hand. Saufinril headed his way.

“We’re leaving…” his gaze went to whatever was in Ganra’s hand, “what’s that?”

“It’s um…” Ganra opened his hand to reveal the beetle that was crawling on his hand. Saufinril stared at it before looking at Ganra and asking, “Why…why do you have a beetle? And where did Cirana and Faranil go?”

“We were playing truth or dare and I picked dare so um…so Faranil dared me to eat this beetle but you arrived.”

Saufinril scrunched his face, “Well you’re not gonna eat it, are you? That’s gross.” Ganra didn’t respond, “Ganra, that’s gross. Don’t. Faranil has dumb ideas, I’d never in a million years eat an insect or anything related to it.”

“Faranil doesn’t have dumb ideas!” Ganra protested, turning his hand to allow the beetle to roam it.

“Put that down, let’s go home.” Saufinril said, starting to turn around. When he saw that Ganra was hesitating, and rather turning to look at where his cousins had gone to, Saufinril’s first thoughts went to his stepfather’s anger at making him wait, so he protested, “Ganra put that down, come on!”

Ganra just turned to look at Saufinril with a defiant look.

“Ganra-” Saufinril didn’t even finish the sentence before his brother popped the beetle in his mouth and bit down. All Saufinril did was gasp, staring at his brother with wide eyes and a mix of disgust and shock in his face. Ganra himself looked like he couldn’t believe it.

“Ganra that is disgusting!!” Saufinril said in distress, “Why would-wh-when-Ganra!!”

“Wh-what do I do now?” Ganra asked through clentched teeth and while the bug waved its legs frantically, probably immersed in searing pain. The second he thought he saw a grayish-yellow drop come from the beetle, Saufinril closed his eyes and turned away.

“Ewww, Ganra! I can’t believe it!”

“What is this, now?” Graywatch’s voice made Saufinril open his eyes and turn to the road he’d come from, where their stepfather appeared, approaching them. He wasn’t the adult Saufinril had in mind, but given the circumstances, he figured (reluctantly) that he’d do.

“Ganra ate a beetle!” He accused, a quease forming in his stomach. There, adult. Do what you got to do.

Graywatch stopped in his tracks right there in that instant, his frown immediately fading. It was the first time he’d ever seen his stepfather like this. His skin had not just turned a shade paler, but there was also a tint of green on it. Graywatch turned to look away, then back at Saufinril with a face he could only describe as disgust mixed with horror, and asked in a very soft tone of voice, “…what?”

“He ate the beetle.” Saufinril repeated, softer. Graywatch just blinked twice, then took his hands to his face for a second, before dropping them and turning to Ganra, “Spit that out right now!” though his tone of voice was the same harsh one, his face still showed the aforementioned fear and nausea. At once, Ganra turned his head and spit the bug, which twitched and squirmed on the ground.

“What is the matter with you?!” Graywatch scolded.

“I-”

“By the Divines, just-” he crouched to be face-to-face with Ganra. Saufinril, already regretting telling on his brother, stepped closer. “Go to that stream,” Graywatch hissed, “wash your mouth. Don’t talk to me the rest of the day. Here.” He gave Ganra his handkerchief, then straightened up, “Go. We’ll talk about your decisions at home.” Ganra at once took the handkerchief and dashed to the nearby stream. Saufinril started to follow but a hand grasped his plait, forcing him to be in place. He sensed, however, that the hand was trembling. Was Graywatch really that angry?

Saufinril shimmied, scratching his elbow again and waiting for his brother. It would take around 5 minutes for Ganra to get to the stream and another 5 for him to return to where they were. Normally, Graywatch would take advantage of this time with him alone, but right now, just by how he sensed the trembling of the hand, Graywatch wasn’t even moving. If anything, Saufinril heard him take a deep yet still shaky breath. He’d never heard Graywatch do this. Equal parts curious and scared of his stepfather getting angry for it, Saufinril turned his head back slowly to peer. Graywatch had his eyes closed and brows closely knitted and was pinching his nose bridge with two fingers as he took deep breaths. They remained that way until around 6 or 7 minutes later, when Ganra returned running, with water still dripping from his mouth and wiping it with the handkerchief. He offered it to Graywatch.

“No, just-fucking move. Let’s just fucking move.” He snapped, finally releasing Saufinril. Both boys walked ahead, side by side, with Graywatch behind them. None of the three said anything on the way back, despite Kusunna’s puzzled gaze. Saufinril not only stayed in silence out of the implicit order that Graywatch had made, but also was quietly figuring out what had made his stepfather react this way. Granted, eating an insect was disgusting, and even he had turned away, but Graywatch’s pale face only returned to its original color halfway on the way to their house, even if his stoic face was the same as always. As soon as they got home, Graywatch took both of the kids upstairs. He left Saufinril in his room, then closed the door after him. Saufinril opened the door and peeked out of it enough to see Graywatch take Ganra to the front of his room, slap him hard four times, then shove him in and close the door after the younger Altmer. Their stepfather then went back downstairs, without saying a word. It was only when Saufinril made sure that he was downstairs that he left his room and went to Ganra’s. He opened the door gently to see Ganra rubbing his cheeks while blinking fast.

“You ok?” Saufinril whispered. Ganra nodded, “I told you not to eat it!”

Downstairs, they heard Graywatch talk to their mother like nothing had happened. Both of their tones of voice sounded light, and Kusunna even laughed at something Graywatch said.

The following day, the topic still hadn’t left Saufinril’s mind despite class and Soviril’s invitation to go to his house afterwards. Saufinril feigned a stomach ache and ran back to his house. Or, more accurately, to the kitchen, where Kusunna was hand sewing. She gave her oldest son a smile when she saw him enter.

“Hey! How was class?” she asked

“It was good. Mom, do you have a glass container? Like a jar or something.”

“I, believe I do. What for?”

“I need to catch something.”

Kusunna blinked twice, then put down the cloth she was sewing as she stood up, looking around. “I…think I do, let me see.” She said as she went to the cabinets and opened here and there, pulling out jars and boxes, Saufinril right behind. She’d take a jar out, check if it was empty (usually it was not) and put it back.

“Let’s go see in the other cupboard.” She meant the cupboard where she had her alchemy ingredients, where she headed with Saufinril right behind, “Where’s Ganra, by the way?”

“He’s at Soviril’s house.”

“Why didn’t you go with him? I thought you and Soviril were friends.” She opened the cupboard. Saufinril wrinkled his nose. Kusunna caught the gesture, “Not anymore, hm?”

“No.”

“Did something happen?” she was still looking for jars. Saufinril just shrugged.

“I just don’t like being with him anymore.” He replied. Kusunna didn’t reply, having dug deeper until an “Ah-hah!” made Saufinril’s ear twitch, turning to his mom just when she pulled out a medium-sized, empty jar. She wiped some dust from the lid before handing it to Saufinril, “Wash it and then you can catch whatever you need to.”

“Thanks mom!” he took the jar and was about to run out when Kusunna’s “Wash it!” came to him. He took it to the kitchen, washed it quickly, dried it and then ran to the garden. He looked around and then decided to start his search from left to right: under leaves, on top of flowers, investigating each stem, on the ground, digging earth here and there on each plant box. He vaguely heard Graywatch get in the house, only faintly the voice of him and Kusunna talking, even a laugh here and there (and some kisses. He did hear that, and was the only time he stopped the search for a couple seconds before resuming it with a spike of anger in his chest).

A streak of rose-orange was forming on the cerulean sky when he found what he was looking for: a beetle. A big, black beetle. The beetle was resting on the orange calla flowers near the end of the garden. Saufinril picked it up gently, neverminding the beetle’s wiggling of his legs, and carefully put it inside. He tore off some leaves and added them in for food, then closed the jar. He sat down on the ground and peered at the beetle, who was now clawing the walls. It was worth the experiment, he mused. He stood up and entered the kitchen again, where Kusunna was back at her sewing.

“I caught it!” Saufinril exclaimed triumphantly. Kusunna turned to look at what her son had, and her eyes landed on the beetle.

“Oh.” Was all she said, “That’s, nice. Are you going to liberate it?”

“No, it’s mine now.”

“Alright. But I think he’d be happier in the garden.”

“I’m going to take it upstairs.” Saufinril sped out of the kitchen before his mother could tell him anything else. He ran up the stairs, gaining a “Don’t run up the stairs.” warning from Graywatch, who was in his studio. Saufinril lowered his speed and stopped at the top of the stairs, his jar in his hands. This was the moment of truth. He took a very deep breath and walked to the studio, hiding the jar behind him. Graywatch looked at him, and immediately smiled.

“Come here.” He said gently, putting away whatever he was writing and turning to Saufinril, “Close the door.”

Saufinril hesitated, but closed the door without revealing the surprise behind him, then he approached his stepfather, his hatred for that smile lessened by the hope he carried in his jar. Graywatch grabbed him by the waist, starting to lift his robes. Saufinril used his other hand to push it down.

“Don’t get like this, come on. You’re acting like you don’t like this.” Graywatch said, pulling him closer. Only until then he realized Saufinril’s other hand was behind his back, “What do you have there?”

This was his moment. Saufinril pulled it from behind his back and practically shoved the beetle to Graywatch’s face. When Graywatch’s eyes landed on the beetle, his face drastically changed to one of pure panic, releasing Saufinril immediately and pushing himself on his chair back.

“What the fuck is that?!” he asked out loud

“It’s-it’s my beetle.” Saufinril said, proudly, “It’s mine now.”

Graywatch’s adam apple bobbed, “Yours.” He stated, anger in his voice even though the panic hadn’t left his face. Saufinril nodded.

“His name is Pelien!” Saufinril added. When Graywatch finally seemed to collect himself better, he just snarled, “Get. That. Out. Of. Here.”

“Do you want to hold him?”

“GET OUT.”

Ok ok he was pushing it too much. Saufinril turned around and left the studio, running back outside with a smile of mischief and victory in him, complete elation evidenced.

[rangerofpelor]

1, 11, 20, 33, 53 for three of your pick!!

goin’ with my two main dnd ocs and also antigone because i’m camp nano-ing and ironing out her story this month

1. Age, Birthday, Star Sign

VALKO. he’s 27 years old, born on the 23rd of the month of Rebirth (May), which makes him a gemini

BRYNJA. she’s 63, born sometime during Summertide (July), which makes her a cancer.

ANTIGONE. she’s 17, born sometime in the middle of her world’s version of august, so she’d be a leo

11. Do they have any notable features, like horns, tails, or so on?

VALKO. the scars slashing across the right side of his face are probably the most distinct features of his. but there’s also the symbol of pelor that was branded on his hand after he was chosen as his champion. that symbol has usually been covered up either by a glove or some sort of wrapping tho. it wasn’t something he advertised for a number of reasons and most recently, it’s been covered up because nerull did something and put some old-ass magic on it and the gang needs to head back to the temple of pelor and figure out what’s going on with that

BRYNJA. none that she puts on display regularly. she’s got her lightning scars in the shape of yggdrasil on her torso, but that’s usually covered up by her clothing and armor.  

ANTIGONE. she’s got albinism, so...her pale skin and white hair make her stand out in contrast to the suntanned skin and brown hair the rest of her family has. her mother told her that she was “born under a full moon” and that she was “kissed by moonlight”

20. Clothing/Aesthetic

VALKO. function over form clothing, usually in dark greens and grays to help him blend into his surroundings. studded leather armor, bows and arrows, dark shadows contrasted by beams of light, open wounds, scars, bruises, wolves, thieves tools, wheat fields

BRYNJA. viking. so very viking. stormy skies, high reaching mountain peaks, battlehammers, symbols of mjolnir, eagles wings. dresses in blues and greys with silver adornments, hair half pulled into braids and half loose and wild

ANTIGONE. her clothing is pretty simple and comfortable: a simple tunic, trousers, and comfortable leather boots. though if she had her way (and if she had the money for it) she would much rather wear the fancy dresses and high fashion of the Obsidian city. but in general, the red/white/black color palette is what she likes. 

33. How have they changed over time?

VALKO. god i could write ad nauseam about his character arc. but put simply: he went from sweet little farm boy, to an angry victim of poverty, to a cold-hearted criminal, to a self-loathing and suicidal vagrant, to a highly skilled adventurer with supportive friends and slowly learning self-worth and recovering from the abuse and trauma of his past. at the beginning of the campaign, his main goals were “don’t get caught” and “inflict as much self-harm as he can without outright killing himself”. now, at fucking level 18, his main goals are “be a better man that he used to be” and “stop running; take responsibility for what he’s done.” and it may not seem like a lot of growth but god it really really is. 

BRYNJA. she went from being angry and bitter about her father trying to push her into following a certain path. and then she actively rebelled against that by choosing to be a cleric of thor, which was such a liberating feeling and then she disowned him as her father. and then she calmed down a lot after that and after she started her training with grettir. so basically...angry teenager to a calmer young adult....tho the anger still lingers and it’s starting to come back considering there’s a god trying to push her and her party along a certain path which...she isn’t appreciating 

ANTIGONE. ah...i’m still working on this tbh. she starts off as a pretty normal girl stuck in the boonies with dreams of doing something more than just...farming and ugh...rearing children...then she loses everything and she’s hellbent on revenge. wrath is one of her bigger sins and she’s so ambitious but she has to learn how to reign in that anger and learn how to use her intelligence and charisma in order to survive in a highly politically driven place like the Obsidian Palace

53. Expectations vs Reality: what did you expect and what did you get with this character?

VALKO. i went in with the desire for a redemption arc and i’ve definitely gotten that (and an incredibly slow build one at that). that said as i worked on his backstory it just got darker and darker (which only made the redemption arc harder but that’s ok because both valko and i are masochists) so i guess i didn’t expect the amount of abuse and trauma valko suffered when i first went to make his character (obviously it was still there but just not...as much). also the whole champion of pelor thing. i did not expect that AT ALL let alone as early as that happened (like level 6/7). i had talked about maybe having valko take a few levels in cleric (as a cleric of pelor) at some point but i didn’t expect story to lend itself to it that soon. so yeah, valko as a champion and high status religious figure was definitely something i didn’t expect from this at all (tho i am very pleased about it)

BRYNJA. i mean my big thing with her is that i wanted a dnd character as different from valko as i could get (confident, emotionally open, not nearly as angsty) and that’s really what i got. she was designed to be as straightforward as possible and that’s what she is. i suppose if anything she’s more rebellious than i had anticipated. her backstory was written/finalized after we had been playing for a few months but as mentioned in the last question, there’s this theme of her not liking higher authority pressuring her into doing certain things

ANTIGONE. tbh she’s pretty much what i’ve expected so far. I haven’t properly written her yet, so i know she’s got plenty of surprises in store for me and i’m excited for them. I can’t wait to see what kind of monkey wrenches she (or any other characters) throw into things

[a-salty-alto]

Lost and Found

[[A/N]]: This is my first fill for my MCU bingo card, for the center free space. This fic is inspired by Thanos's "I hope they remember you" line in one of the Infinity War trailers. Thanks to @queendophne for coming up with the title.

His head hurt as Steve woke up inside the Avengers Compound. He looked around and saw the other Avengers were in similar states- passed out on the floor.

Steve took a quick headcount and saw that everyone who had been in the Compound before was there: himself, Natasha, Thor, Sam, Bucky, Rhodes, and Spider-man.

Steve tried to shake the grogginess from his mind and remember what had happened. They had gotten a warning from FRIDAY about an unknown energy signature, and then a blinding flash of light, and Steve found himself here.

Getting up off the floor, Steve roused the others.

“Um, guys,” Spider-man called, pointing  out the window. “I know that upstate isn’t exactly freezing in March, but I don’t think it’s usually this sunny. Or neon.”

“Neon” was an understatement. The blue of the sky was retina-searing. The landscape around the Compound looked completely different too,

“So, we’ve been transported to somewhere else.” Rhodes surmised. “Are we even on Earth?”

“Let’s split up and take stock.” Steve ordered. “We’ll meet back up in 30 minutes with our findings.”

Steve’s search brought him down to the basement. He stumbled across a door that looked familiar, but he couldn’t remember where it lead. He tried to open it, but the door was locked.

“FRIDAY, how do I get in here?”

“You must use your pass code.” the AI replied curtly. Steve always got the sense she didn’t like him, though he wasn’t sure why.

“I don’t know my pass code. I don’t suppose you could give me a hint?” Steve asked the ceiling. The lack of reply was not unexpected, if disappointing.

Ok, it was Steve’s passcode, so he could just try things he’d normally use for passcodes.

“Peggy,” he tried. A red “ACCESS DENIED” flashed across the door.

“Peggy Carter.”

Sarah

Sarah Rogers

Howling Commandos

Erskine

Project Rebirth.

None of them worked.

“Password” Steve practically growled. He was so close to just trying to beat the door down. This was ridiculous. This was the Avengers Compound, and Steve was the leader of the Avengers. There was no reason for there to be a door he couldn’t access. Another list of failed passcodes later, Steve was going to either admit defeat or bash his head into the wall, when a thought randomly formed in his head.

“Captain Handsome?” Steve asked cautiously. The door turned green and let him in.

“Why the hell did I set that as my passcode?” Steve wondered aloud as he entered. The room was a lab or an office of some sort. His old shield was sitting on the desk. Steve felt a pang of sadness at seeing it, but couldn’t exactly place it.

“I’ve found something.” Natasha’s voice rang out over the comms.

Steve took the shield and left the lab without a second thought.

-

When Steve arrived, the rest of the Avengers were gathered around a new person, with Bucky pointing a gun at him. The guy was scruffy, with the beginnings of a full beard coming in and he looked like he hadn’t slept in a few days. Steve’s eyes wandered to the glowing piece in the man’s chest.

It was... familiar.

But also wrong.

Steve knew what it was, and that it shouldn’t be there, but Steve had no idea why. That was how Steve felt in general looking at this guy. Like he was looking at the same thing drawn by two different people. They were both very clearly the same thing, but they had subtle little differences.

Except Steve didn’t remember ever seeing the other picture.

“Hey! My eyes are up here.” The guy said,  trying to sound annoyed, but the way he tapped his hands at the side of his legs betrayed his nervousness.

Wait, what was Steve talking about? He didn’t know him so how could Steve know anything about his mannerisms. He wasn’t Natasha.

“Who are you? And what are you doing?” said super spy asked, jolting Steve out of his thoughts.

“Tony Stark. Though not yours. Battleworld is made up of all sorts of different pieces of different planets, and dimensions. I’m from one of the other ones. I was just stopping in to see if anyone was home. I wasn’t going to do anything, and I really can’t stay” The man explained.  

Tony Stark.

Steve rolled the name around on his mind. Was he related to Howard? Maybe that was where the sense of familiarity was from?

Even as he thought it, though, Steve knew that wasn’t the case.

Because as the man had said his name, the thing that stirred something deep in Steve wasn’t the “Stark,” it was “Tony.”

TonyTonyTonyTonyTonyTonyTonyTonyTonyTonyTonyTonyTonyTonyTony

“We don’t have a Tony Stark.” Natasha said, but she sounded off. Like she wasn’t entirely sure that was the case. The man’s eyes widened in surprise, then he simply shrugged.

“Your loss, I guess. If you really want context, in my universe, I’m the son of Howard Stark and Maria Carbonell. I fly around in a metal suit of armor and I go by Iron Man. I’m an Avenger.”

‘I already know this’, Steve realized with a start. But that didn’t make any sense. There wasn’t a Tony Stark in their universe. He looked around at the other Avengers, but they seemed just as confused  as him, Rhodes especially.

“So you’re like War Machine?” Spider-man asked.

“Yeah. Though in my universe, War Machine is like me, since I became Iron Man first. In fact, I made Rhodey’s armor.”

Steve processed this information. It felt right, but Steve knew logically it was wrong. If Steve had known Tony, in their dimension, and he was  an Avenger, Steve would remember him, wouldn’t he? They would have had to have fought side by side at some point.

Steve pulled up a mental image of an armor flying through the sky and battling the Chitauri. ‘It would be red and gold, gaudy and flashy and impossible to miss. Steve saw a flash of it flying a nuke through a wormhole.

That hadn’t happened though. They’d gotten rid of the nuke by-

By-

“Rhodes,” Steve whispered, his voice trembling, “where did you get your armor?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it.” The other man said. He looked shaken. The other Avengers did too.

“Is something wrong?” Tony asked. All irritation in his voice was gone, replaced with clear concern.

“Nothing,” Steve said, “it’s just-”

“You’ve got an itch you can’t scratch?” Tony supplied, looking like an idea had just dawned on him.

“Yes! Exactly.”

Tony hummed softly, and took a look around the compound.

“Do you guys know anything about the Reality Stone?” he asked.

“Yes,” Thor nodded. “It was one of the Infinity Stones Thanos managed to seize before we forced him to retreat.”

“Our Avengers tangled with our own Reality Stone. A group of supervillains used it to flip reality around and make it so the Avengers were actually a group of criminals who couldn’t stand each other.” Tony said. “The others and I, we were pretty convinced we were supervillains, top of the most wanted list in fact, and that we liked it. At least until I got a lucky shot at the Reality Stone and saw myself and the others fighting together. Then, with some help from Steve, we all started asking ourselves basic questions and realized not everything added up.”

Basic questions. Like where Rhodes got his armor, or how they met Spider-man, or who made FRIDAY, or who Steve fought in Siberia.

“Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m projecting.” Tony shrugged. “Either way you wouldn’t be able to fix anything while you’re on Battleworld. You’d need to find your Thanos and be in your own dimension to fix it.”

He tilted his head in silent question. Steve suddenly realized Bucky did still have a gun to Tony’s face.

Steve turned to give Bucky a signal and the other man stood down. Tony smiled at Steve greatful and began to pack up his stuff.  All ready to go, Tony pondered something for a bit.

“Look,” Tony said, “this guy, I’m calling him Suspenders, is going to show up and soon. He put this place together by stealing pieces of other worlds.  He uses a lot of tech to to monitor everyone on Battleworld. The only reason I can avoid his sensors is because he hadn’t meant to bring me here, so he didn’t have eyes on me in the first place.” He pointed a finger at Steve. “I know this is going to be hard for you, Cap, but. Do. Not. Fight him. At least not outright. He’s crazy powerful and Battleworld is his. And he’ll see you coming from a mile away. I’m looking for a way to throw off his sensors completely, but until then do me a favor and hang tight, will ya?”

Steve stared at Tony, caught off-guard by the stern command. He took a moment before nodding.

Tension visibly seeped out of Tony’s shoulders.

“Good. I’ll get in touch when I have something, okay?” Tony started to leave, but Steve grabbed his arm.

“Wait. Before you go.” Steve stammered. “I just- Thank you, Tony.”

‘I will miss you Tony’

The memory hit him and Steve nearly took a step back. He couldn’t fill in the figure that was supposed to be there, but someone was supposed to be there. Their Tony. Steve’s  Tony. That settled it.

After the Avengers watched Tony leave, the others turned to Steve.

“So, what do you want to do, Cap?” Rhodes asked.

“First, we have to get off of Battleworld. Then we figure out what's going on with our Tony, and punch whoever’s behind that in the face.”

“I was expecting something more eloquent Cap.” Sam drawled.

Steve rolled his eyes, but could see the others were in agreement.

Someone, Thanos most likely if what the other Tony had  said was true, had tried to make them forget their Tony. Steve couldn’t let them get away with that. He wouldn’t.

I promise, Tony

[kurtty-drabbles]

Lovecraft au (rebirth)

N/A: I think I have fallen in love with the background for Kitty, so, I´ll expand a little more here. Or tries to.

@djinmer4

At first, the universe was nothing, just Azeroth sleeping, until, his own imagination gives life to the circle of chaos and order. Zaorva was a free sprite roaming in the galaxies without propose, until she meets him and suddenly her life has a propose.

They are one thing now. Watched the life grows and dies, one day Azeroth thought of the planet called EARTH and Zoarva grows fascinated by such creatures.  Humans, she wishes she could understand them. Her other part did not care, think of them as nothing more than food.

It was a pity their union wasn´t as eternal as they wished to be. Lord Chutchu wasn´t very knee in dying and once the deity of God confirmed that he will die sooner than he expects, the creature wanted a backup plan and Zaorva was the target, sadly for him, she wasn´t interested. The consequences were severe.

Zaorva was murder and Chutchu was murder in retribution by him. The chaos itself does not know how to grieve, only how to feel anger and hate, once his beloved Zaorva ceased to exist, her body just vanish before his eyes, many planets felt his wrath, no one was spared.

But that happens a million of years. And it wouldn´t be the last time they meet. Fate has plans for the lovers.

___

Elaine Pryde is a woman of strong will and courage. She was diagnosticated with a type of cancer that was fatal and the chances of getting better were slim to none, yet, this didn´t stop her from trying.

A combination of the Starks technology and Dr Bruce ´s experimentations and theories, a cure for this type of cancer was created, however, there´s a side effect.

"I can´t have children?" asked Elaine. Her husband, Richard put his hand on her should in solidarity as the doctor explain how is impossible for Elaine to be a mother.

"Darling, don´t worry, we´ll get through this, we can be a family, we can adopt, what is important is that you are healthy," Richard said in a soft tone kissing her forehead. Elaine can´t help to feel a bit sad, she wanted to have a baby so much and this cancer took this dream from her.

But, Elaine is nothing is strong will and courageous as nine months after her getting cured by this cancer, she is pregnant with a healthy baby girl. Elaine holds the baby and some nurses mention how is odd that the baby didn´t cry. Just giggles.

"That our little girl, she likes to giggles more than crying," Richard said noticing the freckles on her checks, Elaine has freckles but the baby has stronger freckles that are uneven.

"Yes, she likes to giggles, don´t you?" the baby merely giggles in response " then I will call you Kitty Pryde," Elaine said " Katherine Anne Pryde, but I think you will like Kitty Pryde better"

___

Times flies by and baby Kitty grows to be a cute child. The Prydes realize that she is a witch and couldn´t have been prouder. Kitty was a cute and strange child, she could float in the air and often speak about things that no one, not even adults, understands ("Do you think Azeroth drinks milk to sleep too?" "who is Azeroth, sweetie?"  "The man who dream us, I saw him in my dreams") but they all assume is just Kitty being Kitty.

Meanwhile, the group of sorcerer supremes are discussing an important matter.

"Let´s kill that monster now" Dr Strange, once known as the calm and cold calculist of the group, is throwing any assemble of logic to the window, he faced a chutloid creature ONCE and it was enough to leave scars.

Agatha was against such an idea and is sad to see she is in small number in this discussion.

"Stephen, please, drink a bit of tea and think thoroughly, if we murder her, an innocent child, what good this will make to?" Stephen was about to protest when Agatha interrupted him " the creature could very well find another body, we can´t kill this creature, but, we can teach her to not hate us, think carefully if we kill her like you always suggest, what will stop her to go fully against humanity and nuke us all?"

"She is a danger to humanity, Agatha, if she stays here...it will bring others, him...she will attract him" no mortal dares to say his real name.

"I know, that why our best chance is to not murder her. He could very spare the planet and mankind if we don´t murder his other half, the seals we put on the girl are working, her powers are in control for now"

Many other wizards share their opinion and Agatha drinks her tea, call them idiots and explain once more something as basic as this, at least to her.

"The seals are not permanent, nothing human could control such creature, however, her powers would be too much for her young body, besides, if she is here why not having a normal human life? Without wizards planning on murder her?"

"One day, the seals will break and then Agatha, I hope you are ready to face the monsters that will come," Dr Strange said in a cold tone.

__

Wanda was on the phone talking with some other witches about the big convection, lately, the backlash the young Maxximof received for being Magneto´s daughter was forgotten.

"Would care to join us? we want to apologise for our behaviour, we have bad memories with Magneto and is not fair to take on you" the witch said on the phone and Wanda is more than happy to forgive.

"Of course, and can I bring Kitty as well? she never leaves Bayville" Wanda asked and noticed how the witch´s tone change.

"No, please, no, I mean, the coven can´t accept her yet...please, don´t ask this from me again, please" the voice begs and Wanda can even hear the woman crying "Please, don´t ask this to us, please"

"Oh, ok, then we will see each other soon, I guess," Wanda said to hang up the phone. Vision enters the room with the laundry already made and fold properly.

"Wanda, are you alright?" Vision asked noticing her distress.

"Well, my old coven wants to patch things up, which is fine, but...I ask them if I could bring Kitty and they...said no in such desperate way" Wanda then adds "thinking about this, I think is odd how Kitty never leave this city and how no other coven accept her"

"It is odd, since your coven even accept me, what are you thinking?"

"I think...there´s most have a reason as for why the covens don´t want to take her in" she explained. Then she wonders if she could create her own coven. Dr Strange, did that so why not her?

__________

Present time.

Kitty is walking side by side with Kurt. The dinner on the fancy restaurant, shame Kitty never got the name right, was short(she didn´t eat anything or drink anything and she feels fine, could this be a new mutation? well, Kurt didn´t eat much too) and now they are walking around enjoying the day.

"Ok, talk about yourself, pretty please?" Kitty asked giggling at his face as Kitty is hugging his arm(just arm this time)

"What you would like to know, Katzchen?" Kurt asked amused as the woman nudges her head in his arm lovingly, she mutters how familiar that was ("is nostalgic for me, Am I making sense?" "Yes, you are")

"Well, tell me about your family?" Kitty asked and Kurt takes a while to answer.

"I don't think we have the same concept of family, I don´t have a family, Gods likes us just exist, but I suppose to simply your question, Azeroth sort created us" Kurt explained, "and you don´t believe I´m an old God?"

"Don´t take personally, many people enter in my life claiming to be God, and I was always disappointed"

"Well, I´m the real deal, in fact so are you, but this will take time and I have patience" Kurt explained calmly and Kitty just shakes her head ("again, is because of this talk the X-men didn´t accept you" "I don´t need them, I have you" "yeah, yeah, you like to create chaos and I like to create order" "you have no idea how true this is")

"Can I ask something more?" Kitty blushes and Kurt´s eyebrow rose at her shy demeanour. "Rogue told me, after your first impression of killing Jean and Logan, which is not cool," she said but deep down she is not really sad by their deaths(but she knows the others were judging her, why wanting to help this odd mutant? she knows no words to describes, she just needs to help him, she needs to be closer to him) " Rogue told me that Jean was ...offering herself to you and you didn´t bat an eye, you didn´t consider not even for a moment?"

"Katzchen!" Kurt said in shock.

"Is that everyone man finds her so beautiful and ...they think my freckles are weird, irregular numbers on both checks. I still don´t get why you want to be near me"

"What those humans did to you?" Kurt asked shaking his head with his narrow eyes "but answering your question, Jean Grey is never going to come closer to you. Your beauty is beyond their tiny mortal´s mind to comprehend" then his tentacles slowly lift her head "and I love your freckles, is the mark of our constellations" Kurt explained gently.

Kitty laughs as she is crying now.

"You always say crazy things. But it is  working" she said "I wish I have met you before...going to High School wouldn´t have been so horrible, people really, really hate freckles...my freckles that it"

Kurt is not pleased by this. Not pleased at all.

His tentacle caresses her face as his hand bring her closer. Kurt kisses her freckles sweetly. This seems to lift the mood for Kitty.

"When we were in the space we were so free, Katzchen, one day I want to show you space" Kurt promises as the woman kisses the tip of his tentacle and let a soft sigh escapes her lips.

"That would be nice even if it is crazy," she said resting her head on his chest. Was he always such a gigantic? ( flash of a dark blue colour invade her mind in a pleasant way)

"Katzchen, I remember when we meet. You told something that I'm curious about, what is hentai?"

Kitty giggles and is thankfully Quire and the others aren´t here to witness this moment.

[jokessho]

Fic: Stardust

Digimon Adventure Big Bang Challenge – Theme: Rebirth

-o-o-o-

The fight was raging on and I kept yelling at the others to stay back. We all knew that Wargreymon and I wouldn’t last much longer against Piedmon, but I would not let the others get hurt. There was only one person I would allow to join me in the foray—Yamato. I just had to wait a bit longer and he would come to our rescue. He will be able to turn this fight around. I knew. I believed. And he didn’t let me down.

Yamato arrived on the scene, shouting and crying.

He scooped me up into his arms, whilst Garurumon tended to Wargreymon.

As I looked into his shimmering blue eyes, I could feel his heartbeat—feel his very soul—and I knew I was saved. We were all saved. By an angel.

That is all I could describe him as in that moment: an angel. He had descended from Heaven, to give me new life.

I had been living my ‘new life’ for six years, now, and I felt like a man sentenced to Hell—full of sin. I had fallen in love with my best friend in that defining moment when he had cried for me and given me new strength. It was torturous to have the blond so close, but be unable to love him.

In that euphoric rebirth, I had vowed to tell Yamato exactly how I felt. The confession had been on the tip of my tongue. Things had gotten hectic, however; the fight had continued. I had had to shift my focus back to Piedmon and to beating him. This time, I knew I could do it—Yamato was with me.

With all that happened afterwards, I forgot my vow.

I only remembered it later, when we had returned to our world. And I had chickened out. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t risk our friendship.

So here we are: six years later and still best friends. Only friends. I do suppose lovers are best friends, too, but they’re also so much more than that. I want that with Yamato. I can’t have that, though; he’s dating Sora.

The mobile phone on my bedside table beeps. A message. I reach over from my lying position and grab the device.

It’s just past noon on a Saturday. The sun’s out. I’m in my room, lying on my bed, being lazy. I hope the message is from one of my friends—fingers crossed it’s Yamato—asking me to hang out or do something. I could use the company—especially if it’s Yamato’s. Misery does love company. With my current thoughts, I’m the epitome of misery.

It’s over

My eyes widen and I spring up from the bed, dash out of my room, shove my shoes on, and rush out the house.

The message had been from Yamato, but it wasn’t the expected offer of company; there was no need for clarifications or explanations—I understood.

Yamato and Sora had broken up.

I made it to the Ishida residence in record time. I rang the bell, whilst knocking frantically. Nothing. I tried again. Still nothing. I continued knocking on the door; there was no way I would let my best friend wallow in self-pity. It’s like our roles had been reversed: he was now the miserable one that needed company.

“Taichi?”

My head whipped around to look to the staircase. Yamato was standing there, head cocked to the right in confusion, grocery bag hanging from his left hand.

“You got here sooner than I expected.” He stated, walking towards his door, where I stood stupefied.

“You weren’t at home.” I noted dumbly.

He shook his head, pulling out keys and unlocking the door. He pushed it open and motioned for me to go in.

I entered the apartment, toeing off my shoes. Yamato followed in silence, closing the door behind himself, before making his way to the kitchen. He lifted the fabric tote bag onto the counter—he started hating plastic after we had watched a documentary about it ruining the environment—and proceeded to unpack his purchases.

“...Are you ok?” I braved, after a few more minutes of silence.

The blond had his back to me, so that I couldn’t see his face. He shrugged a shoulder.

I was at a loss: Yamato wasn’t very good at hiding his emotions, but—at the same time—he was. He wasn’t very good at expressing positive emotions—happiness, appreciation, fondness—but anger and annoyance he was good at. What about sadness? Misery? I know he used to suffer from depression, but that was cured by our adventures in the Digital World. Could this cause a relapse?

“Taichi?” He asked again, startling me from my musings. I looked at him and our eyes locked. His held the tiniest hint of amusement. “Stop thinking so much; I’m fine.”

I didn’t believe him, especially since he tore his eyes away from mine. Courageously, I took a few steps towards him and pulled him into a hug. His first reaction was to pull away, but I had anticipated it, so my hold was tight. I did, however, relax my hold once he relented, letting his head fall onto my shoulder.

We stood there—embracing in the middle of his kitchen—in silence.

“I had to break up with her; I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t pretend another day.”

I turned my head as much as I could, trying to look at him, but it was hard since he was so close. I contented myself with murmuring into his silky hair, “what do you mean?”

Yamato pulled back, keeping his hands on my waist, but looking down at the floor. “I don’t love her. I like her, but I don’t love her like I’m supposed to.”

“Yama...”

Angrily, he brushed away a stray tear from his cheek. “I hate myself for putting her through that.” That statement broke my heart. “I knew from the beginning that I wouldn’t be good for her, but I was too much of a coward to turn her down. I didn’t want to hurt her back then. But now I’ve made it even worse.” His voice was getting more and more choked as he spoke. I remained quiet, letting him purge. “It would have been so much better to say no in the beginning, but I accepted her confession and made her suffer for almost a year. I know that she was unhappy, and that I couldn’t ever make her happy. She really does love me, I know that. I just can’t return it. I wish I could. But I can’t. I just can’t, Taichi!”

“Shh,” I stepped forward again, re-wrapping my arms around him tightly              . “It’s ok. It’s not your fault. We can’t control how we feel. It’ll be fine.”

“No it won’t.” Yamato sobbed into my shoulder. “She’ll hate me forever!”

“No!” I pushed him away firmly and placed my hands on his cheeks, forcing him to look at me. “She won’t hate you; she has no reason to.” I wiped away his tears with my thumbs. “You know how strong she is; she will get over this. She will not hate you.”

“I would.”

“Don’t.” I stepped forward again, letting our foreheads meet, closing my eyes. “Please stop beating yourself up over this. There is nothing you can do to change how you feel. Sora understands as much. She won’t hate you and neither should you hate yourself.”

Silence followed my declaration and I opened my eyes to look into his deep blues. “Ok?”

“Ok.” He nodded.

We stayed like that; foreheads together, staring into each other’s eyes.

Something unexplainable and illogical took over me and I kissed him. It was the lightest of touches, the briefest of moments, but it happened. Neither of us could deny the fact that it happened.

He looked shocked—an emotion that was most likely mirrored in my own eyes, in addition to the myriad of other emotions I was feeling.

Yamato opened his mouth, but I beat him to it: “I’m sorry! Shit! I’m so sorry! I really shouldn’t have done that... I’m sorry!”

I was panicking. He had just broken up with his girlfriend of almost a year, and now his best friend had gone ahead and kissed him. Talk about trying to get someone on the rebound...

“Sorry.” He said, looking down again. That one word made my heart shatter to a million pieces.

I swallowed a sob, “Don’t be. You have nothing to apologise for. It was my fault and I shouldn’t have done it. Not right now. Probably not ever, but I did it and I can’t do anything apart from apologise.”

He shook his head, glancing up at me briefly, “I’m still sorry. I really can’t do this right now—”

“I know!” I cut in, determined to make sure he won’t feel bad about something that was my fault. “I know it’s a really bad time and that you really don’t need this right now. Can we just forget about it?” He gave me an irritated glare. “For a while, I mean. Just until you’re ready to talk about it. Please? I promise I’ll talk to you about this, but—please—for now, can we just forget it happened?”

Yamato let out a long sigh, before nodding. His blue eyes lifted and he gazed at me. “Alright,” he conceded, “I’ll bring it up another time. I just really can’t do this right now.”

I gave him a reassuring smile, “I know and thank you. I promise we’ll talk later. For now, though, we need to get you feeling better, yeah?”

He gave a shaky smile and turned to the unpacked groceries. “I was planning on making rice balls. Is that ok with you, or would you like something else?”

Rice balls: also known as one of the ultimate comfort foods in Japan.

“You know anything’s fine by me.” I grinned and he let out a small chuckle.

“I have some leftover rice, so it won’t take long to make them. Once I’m done, would you like to go to the park and have a picnic?”

His back was turned to me, as he was rummaging around the fridge, pulling out the rice and two cans of soda. He turned to me with a smile, handing me one of the cans. I returned the smile and nodded at his suggestion. I was extremely grateful that he was ignoring the kiss and acting normal.

Yamato grabbed his dark blue apron, looping it over his head and tying the bow at the back with practiced ease. I had never been able to do that and—if I ever had to or wanted to cook—Yamato had to do the bow for me.

“Yama?” I asked from my seat at the kitchen table. Yamato was making the rice balls at the counter. I saw his posture stiffen. “About today...”

“What about it?” His tone was slightly harsh, but I didn’t let that deter me. I knew it was just a defence mechanism.

“How long have you been planning on breaking up with Sora? Why today?”

He sighed, placing yet another finished rice ball to the side. His pale hands returned to the rice container, scooping out a handful. “It’s been coming for almost a year now.”

“So you mentioned, but why now?”

Yamato shrugged. “I just decided to stop being a coward, stop fooling myself, stop deceiving her...” He shrugged again, more hopeless this time. “I just had to end it now, or hurt her even more.”

“But if you knew from the beginning...?”

“I guess I just wanted to try. She asked me out and I liked her enough, so I agreed. I wanted to learn to love her like she loves me, but it just didn’t happen. I just finally gave up today.”

“I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what else to say.

He just shook his head. “Don’t be. It’s all my fault anyway. I just hope that Sora lets someone else love her—someone better for her.”

Silence followed.

“I called Jyou.”

“Huh?” I looked at his back, wondering where this had come from.

“I called Jyou after I sent you that message. I told him that Sora and I broke up, and that she probably needed comfort.”

I was still confused. “Why Jyou?”

Yamato threw an amused look over his shoulder. “He likes her, didn’t you know?”

My eyes widened. “What?!” The blond turned around to face me, arms crossing over his chest, face neutral. “Jyou likes Sora? Since when? I thought he liked Mimi!”

Yamato rolled his blue eyes at me. “That was ages ago and he doesn’t like her like that anymore.”

“Why Sora?”

“Why not? She’s great: she’s nice, caring, smart, pretty... The list goes on.”

“Why don’t you date her, then?” My statement was followed by a few seconds of stunned silence and I paled. “Shit. Sorry. I really shouldn’t have said that...”

“It’s ok.” He said, back to me, head down.

“No, it’s not.” I stood, going over to Yamato. “I’m really sorry. You know me: I don’t always think before speaking...” I wrapped my arms around him. “Feel free to punch me if you want.”

“Can I?” He asked, slightly humorously.

I smiled into the back of his neck. “I’m going to regret this, but sure.”

He turned around in my arms—for a moment I thought he really would punch me—and hugged me back. We spent a few minutes in silence; I offered comfort, whilst he composed himself again.

He pulled back a bit and I bumped my forehead to his. “Are you done with the rice balls?”

Yamato smiled, “Yeah. Let’s head out and get some fresh air.”

“And sun. Lord knows you need it.” I winked at him and he stuck his tongue out at me.

His ocean-blue eyes told me that he was extremely grateful for my company and the normalcy of my actions.

-o-o-o-

As the weeks progressed, Sora and Yamato’s relationship stabilised. They sorted through their issues and became close friends again. In addition, Sora and Jyou had gone on a few dates. They hadn’t announced anything yet, but both seemed quite happy with the concept.

I was quite happy, too: Yamato and I were spending most of our free time together, going on ‘dates.’ At the end of most, I debated whether to walk him home and kiss him at his doorstep. Obviously, I didn’t, but the thoughts were there.

It was during one of these ‘dates,’ that Yamato said something that sparked a similar—yet different—train of thought:

“You know,” he said, “breaking up with Sora feels like a breath of fresh air. Somehow, it seems like I’ve been given new life.” He looked at me, eyes sparkling with the joy of life—something I hadn’t seen in about half a year. “I know it sounds weird and a bit mean, but it’s really how I feel.”

We were at the park—sitting on a patch of grass, people-watching—when he dropped the bomb.

I froze; those words stirred something within me. It was like a recording of my own thoughts was being played back to me.

My face must have shown my shock, as Yamato looked worried before looking down in guilt.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, “guess that was a really horrible thing to say...”

“No, no, no.” I hastened to correct myself, “I was just—it just...” A blond eyebrow rose. “It just reminded me of something that I thought I’d forgotten.”

A silence was followed by: “Something important?”

“Yes. No. Kind of...”

The following silence was, yet again, punctured by Yamato. “Care to share?”

I hesitated. “I should, though I don’t particularly want to... But I guess it’s about time we do talk about it.”

“Here?” Yamato asked, casting a glance at our surroundings.

I also looked around, then shrugged, “Sure. It’s more open and you’re free to run away if you want.”

Both his eyebrows shot up. “...Is this about the kiss?”

I averted my gaze, afraid of his reaction. “Yes.” I took a few seconds to gather my thoughts. “First off, I’m sorry. Not really about what I did, but when I did it—and now I realise that maybe I should start by saying that I like you—like, like like—but that I think you already know, or guessed. So back to my first point—which should now be called my second point, seeing as liking you was the first—anyway, the point about the timing: it was wrong. The timing I mean, but I think I already said that earlier. And I’m rambling like a crazy person—why are you not stopping me?” Finally, I looked up at the now-amused face of my best friend; he was doing his best to contain his laughter. I glared. “What’s so funny?”

“You’re nervous.”

“Of course I’m nervous! I’m confessing here!”

Yamato let out a small chuckle and I sent him another glare.

“Oh, come on.” He gave me a flat look. “I’m your best friend and you should know that I would never hate you for liking me.”

“Yeah,” I shrugged, “but there’s still the possibility of being rejected, even if you don’t hate me.” I paused, hesitating. “So? What’s your reply?”

This time round, Yamato cast his gaze downwards. “Well...”

“Well?”

“Well.” He looked up with determination shining in his eyes. “The main reason I broke up with Sora was that I didn’t feel anything for her. That got me thinking and I realised that I wasn’t really interested in any girls. I’d never questioned my sexuality before, but I started to.” He dropped his gaze again. “I’m still not sure what I am, or what I prefer, but... I would be willing to give it a try with you.” Hastily, he looked up, waving his hands in a frantic, un-Yamato-esque type of way. “I don’t mean that as you just being a test-run or anything; what I mean is that—why are you laughing?”

I was indeed laughing. I could now see what Yamato had found so amusing about my earlier rambling; it was funny watching your best friend fret and worry about words, when I knew exactly what he meant to say. I told him as much, then added: “Does this mean that you wouldn’t object to me taking you out on a date?”

He gave me a shy smile, “Of course I wouldn’t object.”

I grinned idiotically. “You don’t have plans for Saturday, right?” A shake of the head. “Good, then I’ll come pick you up in the morning. How’s ten sound?”

“Sounds good.”

“Great. It’s a date!”

-o-o-o-

Saturday rolled around and brought with it rainy weather. That was fine by me, as my plan was to spend the day indoors with my date.

I rang the bell of the Ishida apartment. Much to my surprise, Yamato’s dad came to open the door.

“Hello, Taichi. Yamato’s just about ready and I’m heading off to work.” I said a ‘hello’ back, as he stepped out and past me. “You boys have fun.” He called out, walking towards the lift.

“We will!” I called back.

“Will we?”

I turned around, facing my date and shot him a grin. “We will.”

“Are we gonna be outside?”

“Nope.”

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

Yamato rolled his eyes, grabbing an umbrella and slipping on his shoes, before stepping out and closing the door behind him.

He was dressed casually, in dark skinny-jeans (which framed his legs quite nicely, I might add) and a bottle-green, button-up shirt with long sleeves. Of course, true to Yamato’s style, the sleeves were rolled up to his elbows.

I had a blue polo shirt and—true to my style—shorts. Though these ones were near-black, as opposed to my usual shades of brown.

We left the apartment complex and headed for the nearest bus stop, getting on one of the buses that would take us to the outskirts of town. Yamato was pestering me the entire way, demanding to know where we were going. I remained mute, until we had arrived at our stop and I told him to get out. His blue eyes widened when he realised where we were.

Knowing about his planned future career, I had brought him to the newly opened space museum.

“C’mon.” I said, grabbing his hand and dragging him towards the entrance. I gave the clerk printouts of the tickets I had bought beforehand.

I could tell that Yamato was enjoying himself; I had never seen him expressing so many positive emotions so openly. I was only half-listening to his ramblings, far too engrossed in his eyes and expressions. It was only when we reached a section about supernovae, that what he said caught my attention:

“Did you know that you have stardust running through your veins?”

“Huh?” I asked, startled by the intensity in his gaze. “Stardust?”

“Yeah, stardust.” He turned his head to look at the pictures of the supernovae again. “All iron on this planet comes from supernovae. And the haemoglobin in your blood contains four iron atoms. Thus, you have stardust in your veins.” He face turned to smile at me and I couldn’t help but smile back, thinking that this was Yamato’s way of telling me I was special.

After a few hours of wandering around, we left, hopping on another bus that would take us back towards the city. I had scouted out a few possible places to eat, depending on what kind of food Yamato wanted. Being a gourmet-cook (at least in my opinion), he tended to be quite picky when it came to eating out.

We ended up in a traditional restaurant that was serving hot pot dishes; the rain and humidity were making us feel in-need of something that would warm us up from the inside.

It was around three in the afternoon, when I took Yamato back home.

Yamato unlocked the door, turning to me. “You coming in?”

“Ah, probably not. I should get going.”

“How come?”

“Well... Normally I would take you up on that offer, but we’re dating now, so...”

“That’s one of the perks of dating a friend: you don’t have to act any different.” The statement was accompanied by a smirk and I laughed.

“Fine, fine.” I said, stepping into the apartment after Yamato. “But this time around, I’m kicking your ass at Mario Kart.”

“Whatever.” Yamato said, rolling his eyes. He turned into the kitchen, presumably getting us drinks, as usual.

We settled in front of the TV, drinks on the side, controllers in our hands. Guess Yamato had been right: dating a friend was really not that much different to hanging out with a friend. Save for one thing, of course...

“Hey, Yama?”

“Yeah?” He turned to look at me.

“Can I kiss you?”

He was only momentarily taken aback by the question, but then flashed a smile. “Sure. We are dating, after all.” There was a hint of a challenge in his tone and I rose up to it, leaning in to kiss him. His response was near-immediate.

The kiss itself was simple and short; it was, after all, our first kiss (excluding the one I stole a few months prior).

We started playing afterwards, as if nothing out of the ordinary had taken place. Maybe it hadn’t.

I had thought that dating Yamato would be weird, or awkward, or different, but it was none of those things. It seemed more like a natural next step, rather than a giant leap, or even a small skip.

-o-o-o-

In the weeks that followed, things progressed at very much the same, natural pace as on the day of our first official date.

Natural, was also our first real fight as a couple.

Yamato had been nagging me for years about putting more effort into studying and revising, but now, as a couple, his nagging increased tenfold—or then the reason could have been that we were seniors now. Either way, one day, he really pissed me off and I snapped.

We had been on the way home from school, when he had brought up a math test that was coming up in a few days’ time. He suggested we spend all our free time studying for it; I suggested we do something else and leave studying for the night or morning before. He insisted.

“Would you just fucking lay off? It’s not like this test is the end of the world; not all of us are aiming to become rocket scientists, so math is not a top priority!”

Blue eyes narrowed dangerously, “Oh yeah? Well, some of us actually care whether we pass high school and get into a good university. Have you ever even considered which university you’re going to apply to or what you want to do with your life?”

“Of course I’ve considered stuff, but I don’t have to decide now.”

“When will you decide, then? We need to start applying for universities soon and—I don’t know about you—but I don’t want to be stuck in a shitty one.”

“I have plenty of time and I can always get in with my soccer skills.”

“You cannot rely on soccer getting you that far in life!”

We were attracting quite a lot of attention from passersby, what with our blooming argument.

“Soccer is my life!”

“Oh, please! Get real, Taichi: you’re not going to be able to make soccer your career, no matter how much you want it. At most, you could be a middle school PE coach.”

That did it. I shoved him, causing him to take a few stumbling steps backwards. My hands balled into fists at my sides.

“Just because you failed to live out your dream of becoming a rock star, doesn’t mean that no one else should have a chance to live out their own dreams.”

Yamato’s jaw dropped. “That’s not what this is about! And I never really wanted music as my career—but that’s beside the point—”

“No,” I cut him off, “the point is just that. You’re just a fucking-bitter grouch that wants to ruin life for everyone just because you never made it.”

“Excuse me?!” He was back in my face and—out of the corner of my eye—I could see mothers pulling their kids away from us and to across the road. “I’ve fucking told you that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life playing at gigs! You know this. And you know that you will never make it as a professional soccer player.”

“You don’t know that! I could very well make it!”

“But you won’t!”

“Stop putting me down! I am good and you know it!”

“Good, yes, but that won’t cut it! You need to study and aim for a proper career.”

“My grades are fine as they are.”

“No, they’re not. You won’t get into a good university with your current grades.” Yamato was looking slightly worried at this point.

“Why would I need to get into a top university? If I don’t make it with soccer, then I don’t care what shit-subject I study. Or where.”

Yamato actually hesitated; he cast his head down and bit his lower lip. I waited. His eyes lifted, to look up from under his bangs. “What about us?” The question was quiet, but it knocked the wind right out of my sails.

I gulped. “What about us?”

He lifted his head, eyes narrowing slightly. “I refuse to go to a crappy university just because you can’t make it into a good one.”

I opened my mouth to retort, but swallowed it back and actually thought about the situation. Long-distance relationships were hard and usually didn’t work out. Plus, I didn’t actually want to be apart from Yama for that long.

He had clearly been thinking about his future and now it seemed like he was questioning my part in it. Would he be ok without me in his future? Would he choose university and his astrophysicist career over me?

I looked at his face and saw the answer so plain and clear that it broke my heart: yes.

-o-o-o-

Needless to say, I blew it on the math test; I tried studying, but the argument I had had with Yama kept playing itself round and round in my head.

It had been almost a week since we had last spoken to each other. I had walked off that day and we had yet to resolve anything. Both of us were avoiding the other and it seemed like the end had come. What could I do? Yamato apparently didn’t give a flying fuck whether I was in his future. I wanted to be in his, and I wanted him in mine, but how would I get it to work? I didn’t even know what I wanted to do with my life.

Yamato had been right: I would not make it as a professional soccer player. Or even as a professional coach. Or manager. So what would I do?

I spent hours online in the library, looking at different career options. None were that interesting, but I had to find something and soon. We were about half-way through our final year, so university application period was almost upon us.

It was during one of these career-searching sessions that Sora came up to me, looking cross.

“Taichi.” She said dangerously. Her hands were on her hips, and her foot was tapping against the ground.

I felt like a little kid being scolded by his mother. “Yes?”

“Apologise to Yamato.”

I was taken aback. “What?”

“Apologise to him. Right now.”

I turned back to the computer. “Why don’t you go tell him to apologise to me first?”

“I have, but he’s too afraid that you won’t forgive him.”

I turned back towards her. “What?”

Sora’s demeanour deflated. “He’s been calling me and talking to me at school and fretting about your argument. He thinks you’re really pissed off at him and will never forgive him. Is this true?”

“No, so why don’t you go tell him—”

“I won’t tell him anything. This is your guys’s fight, so please leave me out of it and sort it out for yourselves.”

“Why don’t you tell him this?”

She bristled. “I told you that I won’t tell him anything anymore. Jyou’s been asking me why I’ve started spending so much time with him again. It’s your problem, so you sort through it.”

I furrowed my brow. “I didn’t know Jyou was the jealous type.”

Amber eyes narrowed. “He’s not jealous, he’s insecure. Just like Yamato.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means,” she said, rolling her eyes, “that Yamato thinks it’s all over and that you never want anything to do with him anymore. He’s been stressing and crying and it’s disrupting his studies, which makes him stress even more.”

“Why doesn’t he come talk to me, then? Why do I have to be the one to approach him?”

“Because he’s afraid of pissing you off even more and ruining things.”

“Bit too late for that, isn’t it? He clearly doesn’t need me in his life.”

Sora let out a sound of frustration. “You idiot! He does want you in his life, which is why this is such a problem! He’s scared of making the first move because he’s scared of being rejected and left alone.”

“So why don’t you tell hi—”

“I. Told. You.” Sora gritted out. “I won’t have anything to do with your stupid fights anymore. Your fight is jeopardising mine and Jyou’s relationship.”

I felt bad for her and it clearly showed in my eyes, as Sora calmed down and gave me a motherly look.

“Taichi, you’re the child of courage. Use it, please. If not for my and Jyou’s sake, then for yours and Yamato’s. You guys belong together—I know it.”

I stood and smiled at her, pulling her into a hug. “I’m sorry, Sora. I promise we’ll sort through our issues.” I gave her a final squeeze before letting go. “If the child of love says that we belong together, then I better believe it, right?”

“Yeah,” she said, “you’d better believe it.”

We parted ways after that; she went looking for Jyou and I for Yamato. We had a lot of things to say to each other.

I stopped by a convenience store on the way to Yamato’s place. I rang the bell.

Yamato opened the door, blue eyes widening when he saw me. I pushed myself into his apartment and into his arms, digging my face into his neck.

“I’m sorry.” I mumbled.

He overcame his shock and hugged me, muttering the same thing back.

I pulled away, stepped back, and lifted my arm up between us, offering him the bouquet I had purchased. His face softened into a smile, which he hid in the roses.

I smiled gently back, letting myself further into the apartment and closing the door behind me.

“I really am sorry.” Yamato said, looking at me sadly. “I was completely out of line—”

“No you weren’t and you know it. I know it.” I sighed, leading him into the lounge. This was going to be a long talk.

I plopped down onto the sofa, but he excused himself and went into the kitchen, to put the roses in a vase.

Upon returning, he sat down close to me and leaned his head on my shoulder. “I honestly can’t apologise enough. First, for all the things I said. Second, for causing the argument. Third, for not coming to apologise. F—”

I kissed him, to shut him up.

“That’s enough, Yama. Let’s just agree that we’re both sorry, forget about the whole thing, and plan what we’re going to do with our future. Ok?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, eyes tearing up. “Sorry.”

I bumped my forehead to his. “Stop saying sorry and tell me where you plan on applying to.”

He pulled back, cocking his head cutely. “Where do you plan on applying?”

“Wherever you will go.”

He was taken aback for a few seconds, but then he smirked lightly. “I think there’s a song about that.”

I laughed; glad to be back to a semblance of normalcy. “I think you’re right.” Then I sobered up. “So? Where?”

He took a breath, looking at his hands in his lap. “Kyoto would be my first choice, but it’s quite hard to get into, so I’m not banking on it. Nagoya is second, Hokkaido third, and Tokyo fourth.”

I nodded, making up my mind. “I’ll apply for anything in all those cities.”

Yamato cocked his head in confusion. “What will you be studying?”

“I won’t necessarily study anything; I might just look for jobs for now and decide what I want to do later.”

“But—”

“But nothing.  I will follow you to wherever you decide to go. I want to be with you.”

“But, Taichi, that’s the whole problem!”

I think my heart stopped.

He took note of the look on my face and shook his head. His eyes strayed to somewhere on my right. “That’s not how it was meant to sound. What I mean is—I want to be with you, too, by the way—but what I meant to say was that I can’t ask you to give up that much and cast aside your own plans, just because I’m too selfish to settle for anything other than the best astrophysics universities in Japan.”

“Yama, Yama, Yama.” I grabbed his shoulders, pulling him into my chest, and held him tight. “I don’t have any plans, so I don’t care where I go. And you’re not selfish: you’ve been working really hard and you deserve to go to the best university!” I gave him a squeeze and rubbed his back. “Don’t you worry about me and what I’ll be doing; just do what’s best for you, ok?”

He was silent and I pulled back slightly, so I could see his face. He was crying.

Gently, I took his face into my hands, wiping the tears with my thumbs. I kissed his forehead. “Please don’t cry, Yama.”

“Sorry...” He sniffled, trying to draw back, but I kept him close. He wiped at his face angrily. “Sorry... It’s just been such a long week and I’ve missed you and I was afraid I’d blown it all and I’ve been so stressed and dad’s been so supportive and now you’re being so supportive and understanding and I really don’t deserve either of you and—”

I kissed him gently, again silently telling him to shut up and calm down.

After a few minutes, Yama had composed himself enough to pull away. He placed his hands on his lap and stared at them. “I’m sorry. I’m being such a baby about this...”

“But you’re my baby.” That got a small laugh out of him. I smiled, but it was short-lived. “Seriously, though, just do what’s best for you and don’t worry about what I’ll be doing, ok?”

“But are you sure? I mean, you are basing your entire future on my choice. What if I’m not cut out to be an astrophysicist? What if I’m making the wrong choice? What if I’m ruining everyone’s life by making a stupid choice?”

“What if you’re making the right choice? What if this will lead to the best possible outcome for all involved? We don’t know these things, Yama.” I took one of his hands in mine, rubbing his knuckles gently. “We just have to be brave and take the plunge.”

“I know,” he mumbled, “and if this were just about me, then I would be taking the risk and just doing it, but it’s also about your future and I don’t want you to end up hating me for making a bad choice. And same about dad: he’s saved up a lot of money, so that I could go to any university I want and not have to work part-time whilst there. So, what if I fail and can’t keep up with the workload, or if I’m too dumb to understand the physics, or just fail in general? Too much depends on my choice, Taichi!”

I was a bit stumped; I would probably be freaking out, too, if I were in his shoes.

“Well...” I started, carefully formulating my consolation. “If you look at it from a different point of view, then you’re the only one left that hasn’t made a choice yet. Your dad decided to save up some money for you, and I chose to follow you wherever you go. Now it’s your turn to make a choice.”

Yamato eyed me sceptically. “I don’t know if that makes the situation any better...”

“Doesn’t make it worse, does it? Besides, you won’t fail or be too dumb; the university will see your grades and—if they think either of those things—then they won’t accept you. So you don’t have to worry about failing once you get in somewhere; you won’t get in, if your grades aren’t top-notch.” I was proud of my logic. That is, until I realised how it could be taken. “I don’t mean to say that you’re dumb, or that you’ll be rejected, or that you have bad grades—we both know that you have some of the best grades in our year. All I meant was that that option of flunking out doesn’t even exist!”

He laughed. He actually had the nerve to laugh at me and my attempts at correcting myself. Here I am, trying to be the rational, reassuring, consoling one, and he laughs at me.

I crossed my arms over my chest, pouting.

Although—as he looked at me with laughter in his deep blue orbs—I couldn’t help but feel that I had somehow, miraculously helped him and fixed everything.

-o-o-o-

After Yama and I had made up, he had agreed to help me improve my grades. What this meant was me getting rewarded with kisses (and sometimes with something a bit more R-rated) for getting my homework done or passing exams.

The teachers were impressed by my efforts, but—seeing as we were at the end of the school year already—those efforts had little impact on my grades overall.

I also figured out what I wanted to do with my future (apart from spend it with Yamato). I had applied for extra courses, which would enable me to start teaching PE at the elementary or middle school level. I figured that I could move up to high school once I got enough experience. Or then I would move on to study something else. I still didn’t have a long-term plan, but I was fine with that; I would be happy teaching kids for the next few years.

Yamato was happy that I was sending out applications and actively working on my future, though he was still worried about his own acceptance. I knew he would be able to go to Kyoto University, like he wanted, so I had focused most of my application efforts over there.

Currently, I was over at Yamato’s house, lying in bed, waiting for Yamato to finish with his turn in the bathroom. It was the last night before our graduation ceremony and—despite my mum’s protests—I would spend tonight and tomorrow night with Yamato.

“Hey, Taichi?” Yamato said, as he snuggled into my side.

“Yeah?” I drew him closer.

“You don’t have plans for the break, do you?”

We were finishing high school and wouldn’t be hearing back from universities for at least a month, so we had the entire four weeks off—not having to worry about homework, or studying, or applications.

“No. Why?”

“Well,” Yamato seemed uncertain, but pushed it aside. “I was thinking of going somewhere. Like on holiday. Just the two of us.” My eyes widened. A holiday with Yama? Sign me up! “How would Okinawa sound?”

“Sounds great! I’ve never been and the beaches look gorgeous and the food is great!”

Yamato looked up at me from his position at my side, smiling widely. “Really? You want to go?” I nodded enthusiastically, already planning how we would go about the whole thing and how we would pay for it. “Great. I’ll start booking stuff the day after tomorrow—seeing as we probably won’t have much free time tomorrow. I’ve already been looking up some hotels and plane tickets—you know, just to make sure it was even feasible. I’ll be paying for everything, so you don’t have to worry about that; just tell me what you want to do and see and I’ll take care of it.”

I was speechless. “What?”

“What ‘what?’”

“Why are you paying for it? And with what money?”

A fine, blond eyebrow rose. “I have money from gigs, remember? And since dad insists on paying for university, I don’t have to worry about saving for the tuition. Plus,” he blushed slightly, “I want to do something for you—you’ve been so understanding and supportive, and I know you will continue to be, no matter what the outcome of this whole thing is.” I knew ‘this whole thing’ meant his choice of university and future career. “I know you’ll keep loving me, no matter what my choices lead to.”

I leaned over to kiss him, letting him know how right he was. He smiled and snuggled further into my side. We fell asleep like that.

The next morning, we woke to the sound of the alarm beeping at 6:30. The ceremony didn’t start until 9, but Yamato wanted to get up early, just to make sure that everything would go smoothly and that we wouldn’t have to rush.

Yamato went to take a shower, whilst I got some coffee going (about the only thing I could be trusted with in the kitchen). Yama came out of the bathroom in a pair of boxers and towel wrapped like a turban on his head. Needless to say, he looked hot—damp and wearing practically nothing. My thoughts must have shown on my face because he frowned at me.

“No.”

“What?” The question came out at a higher pitch than I had intended.

“Stop thinking about whatever you’re thinking about and go take a shower, whilst I start making breakfast.”

Yama cooking in nothing but his boxers and apron?

“Taichi!” He slapped me around the head and I grinned sheepishly.

“Fine, fine.” I muttered, walking towards the bathroom.

Once I got out, Yamato was sipping coffee, whilst placing plates and bowels onto the dining table. He looked up at me and smiled.

I had been right—he was in nothing, but his dark blue apron and black boxers. I had thrown on a random, light grey t-shirt and pair of black boxers.

“Food’s done. I’ll just go throw on some clothes and we can eat.”

Bummer.

He smiled at my pout, giving me a lingering kiss as he passed.

“Later, ok?” He whispered before walking off.

I grinned, moving to sit down. Yama joined me less than a minute later, in a white t-shirt and dark red basketball shorts. I didn’t know he owned anything that casual.

After we had eaten, we started getting ready for the ceremony. Our school had given us instructions on what to wear—black suits with a white tie. We had both rented the suits, since we might still grow, and probably wouldn’t need them again for a while.

We helped each other get dressed, adjusting ties and rearranging the jackets. I have to say, we both looked good, especially standing together.

All seniors were allocated seats in the second row, so Yamato and I had to split up. Once everyone in the audience had settled down, we stood to sing the national anthem, followed by our high school’s anthem. That was followed by speeches from the principal and a few guest speakers; I didn’t pay too much attention to the speeches, but they were all about leaving childhood and friends behind and moving on to greater things.

Finally, they started calling out names. One by one, students got up and walked up to the stage to receive their diploma.

Yamato was called up before me and I could hardly hold back the tears as my heart filled with pride. He looked so happy, receiving his diploma, and bowing to the principal, then to the audience. I clapped the hardest and was the last to stop. Yamato had sent me a huge grin before leaving the stage.

After around eight more students, my name was called. I walked to the stage, feeling slightly nervous for some reason. As I took the scroll into my hands, however, the nervousness was replaced by pure joy and I grinned broadly as I gave my bows. I could see my parents and Hikari clapping and crying in the audience. Yamato’s father and Takeru were also there, wiping at their eyes in-between claps. Lastly—just as I was leaving the stage—I looked at my boyfriend. His eyes shone with a similar pride that I had felt for him. It was the best feeling in the world, to be on the receiving end of such a strong emotion.

The rest of the ceremony passed by in a blur; we sang a few more songs and returned to our homerooms for our yearbooks and personalised goodbyes from our teacher. I was, once again, ignoring the speech. We then had the freedom to mingle and say our goodbyes to our classmates. I was chatting with some soccer friends, whilst Yamato had been attacked by a group of girls—all presumably confessing. I grinned at the thought that he was mine and they could never have him.

Once we were released, we met up with our families on the school grounds. I was practically smothered by hugs from my family. Glancing over, I saw that even Hiroaki hugged his son—something I don’t think he has ever done before. I could tell that Yamato was deeply moved by the gesture, but he tried to hide it by attacking giving his brother a noogie.

Our families met up and my mum and sister hugged Yamato, whilst my dad shook his hand in congratulation. I got handshakes from his father and Takeru.

We chatted for a while, agreeing to meet at the Ishidas’ for dinner that evening. Then, I proceeded to drag Yamato off, telling our families that we were going to go say goodbye to some of our other classmates again.

“Taichi,” Yamato said, dragging his feet slightly. “Where are we going? We already said goodbye to everyone, in case you’ve forgotten.”

“I know. There’s just something that I regret not doing and I want to do it, since I will never have the chance again.”

This, apparently, caught Yamato’s interest and he picked up his pace. “What is it?”

Instead of replying, I continued to pull him along, into the school, and down the stairs. The school’s gyms and changing rooms were located on the bottom floor. I pulled him inside the boy’s locker room. I didn’t want an audience.

“Taichi?”

I pulled him forward by the arm I was still gripping, and kissed him. He returned the kiss with fervour.

The kiss escalated a bit, with me shoving Yamato against the metal lockers—which, of course, made a huge noise. We ignored the noise, preferring to continue our make-out session. Yamato’s hands were in my hair, tugging and pulling, whilst I molested his hips and ass.

We stopped before any clothes started coming off, panting hard.

“I regret never having kissed you in school.” I managed to get out, in-between pants.

Yamato laughed under his breath, giving me a last, gentle kiss.

[poetobservationz]

Entrances & Exits

A review and commentary on the past year, and welcoming 2017. 

“Who are you really, wanderer?” 

Last week & last year was so strange. 

my 2016 can be demonstrated by this:

I cleared out so much of what was not serving me. 

In particular pain from an old lover, each of us unable to say goodbye, 

was muted, prompted by an event that would be okay for a friend to hear.

but not somebody who he supposedly held dear. 

and I had to end it. For my sanity. 

I blocked him. (Called Leo). 

I was in pain without needing to be. And that is why I am writing at all; it has always been my sanctuary, and place where I can’t fall, 

but rise. 

Only two hours after I blocked him, did I go back to my phone. 

I found two messages with words similar to my own:

(Called Bala) “Can we talk? I need your advice, I know its been awhile. Im not here to fuck up your life, I just need 10 minutes. Are you home?” 

I invited him over. We tried to stay sober but the familiarity forced the desire to be lifted even higher. 

We reviewed our last year and a half. 

I heard his stories, I made him laugh. 

I was his friend, again. Able to give constructive advice about life, his family, and his girlfriend. 

And to hear he was in love didn’t hurt. And there was so much to that for me.

Not only had I just blocked someone who was dear to me, but I was afraid of what it would feel like to know he’s ok without me. 

and I was presented with knowing EXACTLY what I would feel. Only love. Platonic, not the sickly chronic kind I was afraid of. 

And someday, I will sit with the man I just blocked, criss-cross applesauce, and we will reflect happily, and share stories, and maybe for once he’d listen to my advice. 

When I was doing Bala’s Tarot card reading, he cried. 

I knew I was reawakening a feeling inside on top of providing the truth he so desperately needed to hear. 

That feeling was friendship. 

and I felt it too, as true as any, because when we did; we knew each other very well. 

but our lives were so different now and we both just went through hell.

and, I swear, to know he loved another didn’t hurt like I thought it would. 

The truth was so pure, so simply understood. We learned to love in as healthy of a way we could and then when that changed we had to say goodbye but we were afraid of letting love die. He finally cut it off, and for that I am grateful. It made room for me to remain faithful to Leo. 

and upon this reflection, should I care to mention I found the medicine again? 

He is all I have ever dreamed of, yet I am hesitant still. My scars are not fully healed. 

       And I am going so far away, to a place across the sea. 

     and I don’t want emotional baggage with me. 

2017 thus far has been far more about clarity than 2016 was. I am determined to speak honestly, and be patient with reality. I am so much stronger because of the pains that were allotted me in 2016. 

  Already there has been so many goodbyes. So much death. 

  I have told many friends the plots within my 2016.

I have said I had a break, or death, to my heart, body, and mind; 

which subsequently left me with soul. 

When the only thing you have to depend on is your soul, you’d be surprised how strong you can feel. 

Because you don’t have to deal with the shit from your heart, body, or mind that happens all the time because the only thing you have left is this third eye, see all, know all TRUTH. 

and it forces you to look in the mirror. 

My soul, each time I had a break, whispered the words “Who are you really, wanderer?” 

And answering that question, HURTS usually. But I didn’t have any sensitivity or sadness left to give it. No self pity. 

Only connection, truth and love. 

Heart:

The heartbreak was saying goodbye to a boy I loved so truly, and then having to live with him everyday after. Goodbye’s are hard to give when you live with the waved. 

And before I said goodbye, officially, I desperately needed him to help me. I needed help, I was depressed and he walked away again and again and fell out of love wth me because I wasn’t my normally joyous self. And he couldn’t love me in the dark. Maybe it hurt too much for him. 

so I said goodbye. 

and I woke up every day with a dull ache, that would’ve been easier if I didn’t have to see his face. But I tried so hard. And it fucking hurt. I’m still processing how I even survived that. 

“Who are you really, wanderer?” 

Body: 

During that, my foot broke.  I mean, really, really broke. 

My dad was a foot doctor, and he died. And I broke my foot for the 6th time since he was last alive. 

And the doctors I had were worried about me. They didn’t know why I had broken my foot so many times. I told them it was a direct message from my dad to “Slow down little girl”, but of course they were not open to that. So they did tests that pushed the boundaries of my mind and made me contemplate life. And they still scare me.

And I was stuck in bed, so much of the time. And I was sad. And all the exciting responsibilities I was so sure of being able to do, I couldn’t even get too. I crutched everywhere and my arms fucking hurt. My body was exhausted every day and I was so lonely. My friends would go out and I would be unmotivated to, because I was broken and sad and blue. And a girl on crutches, drunk? Sounds like an easy target for karma or a bad guy or accident. I got so depressed, and I woke up each day with a question in my breath:

“Who are you really, wanderer?” 

Mind: 

And during all that, besides the pain in my heart and body which impacted my grieving mind for the worst, I was thrown another curveball. 

My dorm room was broken into. 

My medication that kept me kicking, was stolen. It was medication that helped and aided my brain of all sorts, including life saving migraine relief, and aids to my ADD. 

Money was stolen. 

Precious items, stolen. 

Safety, peace of mind, love of home, shelter: stolen. 

I was completely and utterly a mess. 

The investigator told me this was her most interesting case in 15 years of service at my school. She said this kind of thing was unprecedented. 

She said it appeared Personal to me. 

She had no fucking idea. 

But all I could hear, was the quiet singing “Who are you really, wanderer?”, begging me to declare who I was when I had nothing, when I was broken down, and destroyed. It was time to be strong. 

Resilient, a word a friend called me over the phone last night, explaining why I got through my semester. “Because you’re resilient” He said, too which I realized he thought of resilience as a quality, that you’re either born with, or not. He thinks he was not. 

But if I am resilient, it was a choice. It was an expectation I had of myself. It is who the wanderer is: whomever she choose to be. 

Soul:

It took time, but I realized my gain because of that repeated question.  

My heart learned to be okay with pain; not escape it, or run, but healthy was to exhibit and go through it. I learned that I could get through this and get out the other side. And be okay. Be so okay.  I was able to say goodbye this time, and not necessarily for good, but for better. For us both. And without that, we’d both still be suffering and I wouldn’t be departing for world travels. I had to change to make change. 

My body learned to be broken, and that its capable of amazing things in being so. My arms are not flabby, baggy arms anymore. They have defined muscles. They are beautiful. My feet are healing from the break and the depended on pressure. And they are enduring, and good. And I push them, instead of ignoring them and their abilities. My body was there for me my entire life, healing it, getting in touch with it, forcibly taking care of it was a hard lesson but a call to action. I only became stronger. 

My mind learned to go through a triathlon of a semester and make it out, as sane as ever. It taught me that when your mind is broken, its more like an egg cracking; it gives birth to things you never dreamed of, impossibilities and probabilities realized and born. It was a forced rebirth to my line of thinking; I don’t need medication to make me, me. My brain was mine all along. I don’t need possessions to feel at home; I need the people in it. It was a restoration of the knowledge I had as a child. My destiny is in my hands. And my hands are incredibly capable. And like a newly hatched robin, I had to jump off the ledge of comfort and home, and dive into the sky, with only the belief and instinct, that after everything, I can fly. 

and my soul repeats the question, resonating and clear, no longer a whisper, sometimes so loud I think others can hear: “Who are you really, wanderer?”  

“They miss the whisper that runs any day in your mind, "Who are you really, wanderer?"-- and the answer you have to give no matter how dark and cold the world around you is: "Maybe I'm a king.”

Exeunt all.