#okay truest truth ever

[underdarkwaters]

I’d do anything for her

[piracytheorist]

Episode 31 reactions!

Okay, first off, mind. blown. There's some VERY good action in this one!

Yor's coworkers are at the "Well, we're still better off!" jealousy stage. It's a small thing but something I can definitely see people like them do. Sharon seems to be the most passive-aggressive one, so it was a bit revealing that she was the first one to go like "Hey I got beer and sausage, I'm not jealous at all!" Our truest selves come out in the hardest times...

A very beautiful shot of the ship!

By the way, if Yor's coworkers knew what she was going through, they'd definitely stop being jealous.

Yor appears a little too nervous, if you ask me. Granted, we only saw her once before working, and when she was imagining what she'd tell Anya she sounded quite secure in her abilities. But now that she's been living in a family, her way of work has indeed changed, if anything else because she's worried they may find out the truth about her.

At first I thought McMahon had kicked her in the shin, but upon rewatching I realized he kicked the leg of the chair. I'm sure if it were the Shopkeeper he'd probably kick her leg, if not stomp down on her foot just to get her to focus.

Gram was sneezing again? Should I pay attention to this or is it just a baby being a baby?

Yor is smart to try and think how the enemy would think in order to be prepared for their plan, but she doesn't take into account the fact that some of the assassins are actual psychopaths who don't care about taking innocent people's lives in their effort to do their job. That's what being too kind of an assassin will do to you XD

And it's driven to the point even more with Yor being cute like that - and probably remembering the times she played with Yuri when he was little - and Olka saying she doesn't look like a criminal. She really doesn't. Sweetest assassin ever <3

The "mmm" Yor made at the end was the exact same "mmm" Anya made while stuffing up her face with food XD

Loid is not impressed, and this is only the beginning.

It's so fun having the actual, physical copy of the manga in front of me as I watch the episode! I notice here that when Anya talked about Yor missing, she also told Loid "You miss dinner all the time", but the anime omitted that. STOP DENYING US THINGS!

Anyway, Anya calls him out for catching feelings, and Loid is quick to drop his voice a couple octaves to show how secure he is.

I AM NOT LONELY I AM NOT.

Sure buddy, sure.

The office guys are on the opposite side of relaxing and actually enjoying themselves on this trip, going out and drinking a little too much, while the "Greys", Yor and McMahon are walking on eggshells.

The anime team obviously had enough time available for this chapter, as they have a couple of added lines from the office guys, so I doubt they omitted Anya's line about Loid missing dinner due to time issues. I wonder what might be the reason - it's not like they're trying to make us think he doesn't miss dinner? We know the guy's schedule is tight as a drum.

Anyway. Assassin-ing time and holy shit.

I'm pretty sure I gasped at this.

And the rest of the scene, of course!

Obligatory mention that it's been proven time and again that torture is not an effective means of interrogation. People can and do lie while being tortured for information, so the things they say may or may not be accurate. Torture may make them speak, but whether they speak the truth or not is another issue, unrelated to torture itself. So while there can be various goals of torturing someone (illegitimate, of course, like punishment, making an example out of a "traitor", or in very few real-life cases, gratification), obtaining information has proven to not be a feasible one. I understand the point of the scene was to show McMahon's abilities and to establish that there are multiple people on board after Olka, I just needed to say that.

I've been certain they'd go the "dumping bodies into the ocean" route. A cruise is a great setting for that!

The knock on the door was intense! Especially since it's put right after the scene of McMahon and Furseal walking back to the room, but just those few seconds of slowed down tension make you think "Oh no. It's not them. It's them".

I expected the "Oh, it's just room service!" and of course, I expected the "I didn't order any" reply.

Great animation of the attack and Yor protecting Olka and Gram though I'm begging the animators to look a bit into trigger discipline, at this point whenever I see a gun my eyes go immediately on the trigger and I go D: whenever there's a finger on it that shouldn't be

But oh, McMahon is good, and resourceful!

The assassin points his gun at them, Furseal freaks out while McMahon marches on.

We also finally see one (1) eye under the reflection of his glasses. I get that the reflection makes it easier in animation and such, but still I appreciate this detail, especially in such a moment.

And more action! Yor being a badass and at the same time caring for the baby!

"I can excuse murder in self-defense but I draw the line at scaring a baby"

THE GUY WAS STILL WIGGLING. WHILE HE HAD A DAGGER THROUGH HIS SKULL.

(probably last uncontrollable movements from his dying nervous system but still. it was fucking chilling and I love it)

Also, I can understand Yor being strong enough to break the door. But I think it takes a different kind of strength to throw an object, even a sharp one, and make the object break through the door, a human skull, and then latch onto a wall. Absolute unit.

Seeing the body was freaky, too! If I'm correct, I think this is the very first time we see a person being murdered on screen in the story.

Ah no wait we do see a guy in the second episode getting a dagger to the back and falling down. But it was much more palatable than seeing a dagger go through someone's skull and practically nailing him to the wall.

I'm gonna think about this for a long time, lmao. It was brutal!

I just noticed this on my rewatch! McMahon is wearing a ring in the shape and place of a wedding ring! He then goes on to tell the ship's services that the "mister and missus had a fight" though in the manga he says "me and my wife" so is his cover that he's on board with his wife?

And here's the same thing that shows Yor's side. She sees assassins as people doing their job and "cleaning out trash" especially in her case, not people who do this job just because they have no issue killing.

I mean, I don't want turtleneck guy to defeat Yor, but he's got my respect for now.

He also says there are other members from the gangster family on board? Just how many people did manage to get on this ship XD

The eavesdropping guy tells turtleneck guy that he sells his information equally and practically tells him good luck getting ahead, so now I'm thinking, there's another eavesdropping guy, or is he selling all his intel to other assassins that weren't there in that scene?

Also, good luck getting them to work together without getting greedy and/or paranoid, lol

Furseal was actually blushing while wearing the mask XD and the plague doctor mask on the baby!

The poison guy thinks he's some dude. He has no idea who he's dealing with.

This arc will be perfect for creepy shots of Yor, won't it XD

Furseal asks for his button back and dude! Priorities much? This button saved all your lives XD

Blonde mask guy tries to go for Olka right in the middle of the crowd like wtf and the moment Yor grabbed his hands I went like "BREAK THEM. BREAK HIS FINGERS." And then she did <3 We stan <3

That's it. That's their dynamic in one shot.

While Anya is having an overdramatic tantrum, we see how even when Twilight is trying to not be on the lookout - he even says he just has to stay away from suspicious people - his skills are so fine that they kinda work subconsciously. He spots the listening devices (I mean, there are a ton of them) and notices all the suspicious people even if he doesn't make a conscious list of all of them.

Then Twilight has a fucking breakdown over one (1) silly keychain. I mean it is a skeleton keychain so his mind immediately went "IT'S EITHER THAT OR MY OWN DEATH" is anyone even surprised

Anya is still learning how easily Twilight overreacts. And like the scene with the sandbox in the hospital, she realizes she caused him a little too much anxiety and tries to take some burden off.

This entire tension is going on and Twilight is still stuck on whether he should buy a stupid keychain. This man is incapable of relaxing, you tell him to relax and he goes like "Okay spy mode on standby, parent with anxiety mode is on".

I love how this reads a bit like "Papa considers hating frogs as much of a dealbreaker as being an assassin!"

It's so weird - though fitting - to think that Anya believes she can keep this up indefinitely. She has no idea how easily they could discover each other's identities and believes she can stop that from eventually happening. It makes sense for her age, though.

It's also a bit sad, how quick she is to think that she would be abandoned if they found out about each other. It's probably what makes her go "I have to keep this up as long as possible". Her young mind can't comprehend an alternative.

And oop! Taking part of the next chapter too, I see!

I might have lost it during these shots.

"You go around having battles" is definitely something Anya would come up with. It's why she's so hard to write and why Endo should receive an applause for how accurate to her age and experience he writes her.

Next, Twilight's biggest foe; the unreadable expression of a five six year old who is trying to take responsibility for her actions.

I love how when Twilight is facing actual danger and difficult missions he's all cool and collected. Meeting Desmond? Piece of cake. Taking down entire groups of people aiming guns at him? No problem. Anya acting unpredictable? THE WORLD IS ENDING.

However funny the scene is, it slowly drifts into a sadder territory. Twilight actually worries over Anya's mental state, and though he has no idea Anya is having the time of her life, there must be a part of his understanding of her trauma that is true. Now why he undermines completely his own trauma... It's projecting, isn't it?

Anyway, he concludes that the Handler knew from the beginning that Anya needs some vacation in order to recover from her trauma, and for some reason, instead of going like "Yo give her a break" she conjured up this entire idea for a vacation... But in reality, the Handler was only saying that in order to justify his time off in paper.

Like, the man can be so off sometimes that I want to shake him and then hug him because god I cannot imagine going your entire life like this and not even comprehending the idea of actual time off.

Anya: Have fun! Twilight: Cannot compute!

Like yeah it's funny but how am I supposed to not feel just a little bit sad with how he's completely unfamiliar with the concept of relaxing and having fun 😭😭

This is going to be a disaster XD

Anya prepares to run for it, realizes he can change and wear everything within seconds, and freezes... But then Overanalyzing TwilightTM takes control and he starts spending long minutes in front of the mirror freaking out about how his weird ensemble will manage to fix Anya's mood.

This truly is his most difficult mission. Anya is the perfect age to teach him about how sometimes he cannot control how people will react to his manipulations... and then there's the mind-reading, too.

Anyway. I love how Anya goes like "That's not how I expected to win some time but it works" and just steps back into the corridor XD

OH MY GOD

I love me a good fight choreography! Here Yor pushed Olka down from the shoulders, and at the same time pushed Furseal's knees to the front so they'd bend and he'd go down just enough to miss the sickle. Awesome!

The guy just starts a fight right in the middle of the crowd. And Yor has no choice but to stop him, Anya has to hide and also keep Loid from coming out of the store...

That IS a very interesting cliffhanger! I nearly screamed when it ended there, lol. It even ends in the middle of the page! I had to cover it with my hand to avoid spoilers XD The things I go through in this crazy experience XD

Overall, awesome episode! Though I felt that the Twilight panicking scene dragged on a bit. I don't know why. Maybe it's just that I'm an angst ho and I wanted a bit more angsty vibes from that scene. It's not bad, but maybe I still haven't realized just how much on comedy the show belongs in. It has a peculiar but for some reason very efficient balance on everything.

[marshmallowprotection]

Hi! Hope you're doing okay uwu

If possible I'd like to request any headcanons for jealous / possessive Saeyoung. Or if you think he wouldn't be the jealous type 🤔

Thank you!

Saeyoung doesn't need to be jealous. At least, he doesn't need to be jealous in a series way. After all, why would he feel insecure about the relationship you share with him when you've gone to Hell and back to stay by his side? He has the utmost trust in you. He knows you're too keen to make sure his fears don't take control of him. But, in that way, it has nothing to do with your relationship.

It has to do with the fear he's had his entire life that someone is going to take his loved ones far away and send them to his damn father to be tortured.

That has nothing to do with jealousy, it has everything to do with the fact that his paranoia is based on something truthful and you know to message him whenever you go somewhere without him so he can make sure you're safe and sound. Some people may be wary of the fact that he tracks you when you leave the bunker, but anybody who can understand reason would know that he does that only because if something goes wrong, he needs to know where your last location was and how to find you from that. 

I simply don't see him as somebody who gets jealous. Sure, some people knew you before he did, but there's no reason to be upset about that. They might know a different side of you, but they'll never know the side of you he knows. Yes, he might feel a little bit insecure knowing that he can't realistically know everything about you, but he can spend the rest of his life learning as much as everybody else has ever known. 

What point is there in getting jealous when you'll always come back to him? What point would there be in you being jealous when you know he'll always come back to you? It is sincerely a waste of your time and energy to be jealous about something that's not going to make a difference in your life.

He's not going to waste his time worrying about your relationship with other people, and he's not going to worry about somebody taking you away from him. 

After all, even though you're in a relationship with him, he doesn't own you and you are your own person. The same can be said for him. As much as he would like to be joined at the hip with you because he loves spending time with you, he knows that life doesn't always work out that way, and he can pray in thanks to God that he even gets to spend this time with you to begin with. He's grateful for what he has but he'll always have wished for a little bit more. 

This relationship is built on a foundation of mutual respect and trust. You love each other and you trust each other to be honest when one of you is feeling insecure about something. If you're feeling jealous, be honest with him, and if he's feeling the same way, he'll be honest with you.

One of the things he is learning is how to be honest with himself, and the people around him, so it's safe to say he's steadily going to approach you more and more with any feelings he has that may not always be pretty. A part of accepting himself is knowing that you deserve to love the truest part of him, and knowing that you love that side of him helps him learn how to love it a little bit more, too. 

However, if you are somebody who likes it when your partner is a little bit jealous or possessive in a healthy way, he is sure to role-play along with that. As most people are already well aware, he is quite comfortable getting into character, and he won't mind making sure you get whatever you want—in a safe way. 

At the end of the day, I think the only thing you need to worry about is helping him tune in on his paranoia. I think the closest you may get to a situation where you think he's being outright jealous would be one built on a misunderstanding. Like, maybe you're going to hang out with a friend you haven't seen in a long time and he seems to be standoffish at the fact that you want to go alone.

You might think he's jealous, but in reality, it's just that head of his twisting around and around with the fear that maybe this person knows something they're not supposed to know about him and they're going to hurt you because of it. Does it make sense? No, it may not always make sense, but fear isn't supposed to make sense most of the time. It's just there. 

So, if you approach him in a situation like this thinking he's jealous, you'll be surprised to realize that no, he's not jealous at all, he's more worried about the fact that somebody might be close to his father or the people he's pissed off in the agency. Even if it's somebody you've known for a long time and you trust, he has trust issues, and he can't help being afraid of losing you. He trusted somebody once and nearly lost his brother, he can't imagine ever letting that happen to you.

So, just remember to be gentle with him in those situations, as I'm sure you understand him and that fear very well. 

[merryfortune]

the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

AiYusa Month 2024 | May 26th-June 1st | Week Three

Prompts: One Last Word | “If I don’t say this, I’d die.”

Title: the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

Ship: Aiballshipping | Ai/Yusaku

Fandom: Yu-Gi-Oh! VRAINS

Rating: T

Word Count: 2,540

Tags: Truth Serum, Happy Ending

Day 1. Hour 0.

   “Whoa, Ai, are you okay?” Playmaker asked, he had barely skirted the danger but Ai had gallantly taken the worst of it, anything to protect his one true love.

   Or so he had claimed - and crooned - as the shower of arrows rained down on him.

   The effects of the trap that had been triggered faded. The arrows had been made of light: bright white and soft cyan. The cascading weapons had rained down on Ai and he took them valiantly, with muted and occasional grunts.

   So long as his partner Playmaker was safe, yeah?

   Ai laughed as he turned around, twisting like taffy as he came down closer to 

Playmaker. 

   “Never better.” he cheerfully exclaimed, rubbing the back of his head.

   Already the animated effects of the triggered trap had begun to fade. Its not like Ai looked like a bright and shiny pincushion anymore, just his regular old self. Even so, Playmaker’s brow formed a frown as he examined Ai as best as he could. He gave him a poke and a prod.

   “You sure?” he asked, to be extremely certain.

   “Yes, yes, would I lie to you?” Ai asked.

   Playmaker was quiet. The answer to that was yes, Ai, you would.

   His icy silence made Ai chuckle sheepishly, shrinking in on himself, “Gee, tough crowd.”

   “Alright. I believe you but that’s enough exploring for today. I think we’ve found ourselves in enough trouble today as is.” Playmaker decided.

   “Too true!” Ai cooed and that was that.

   They logged out with little fanfare and little funny business. Kusanagi couldn’t agree more, putting one foot wrong on even the most minor of missions would have unsettled anyone as a thing of more to go wrong. He dismissed them both from Link VRAINS duty as well from hot dog van duties, they may as well have the rest of the afternoon off.

   If only it were so simple.

Day 1. Hour 6.

   Nothing really went awry in Yusaku’s eyes until several hours later when he realised he had quite the mundane conundrum on his hands.

   “What should I have for dinner tonight?” Yusaku asked as he stared down his truest, most longest-time enemy: the sparse insides of a dingy refrigerator. He sighed, “Am I even that hungry…?”

   “What does it matter?” Ai asked, “It’s not like you’ll choose something actually good for your meat bag body or your bank account.”

   “Hey.” Yusaku grouched. He closed the refrigerator with a slam.

   That was… a little mean. Which is fine. Ai was mean sometimes. Heck, he was mean sometimes. Sometimes they were even mean to each other but in this particular instance, it felt more than a little uncalled for. They’d had a big day but was it really so big as to demand a short fuse? 

   Yusaku’s brows furrowed and Ai yipped. He put his hands in front of his face and began to panic.

   “Sorry. I said that without thinking.” Ai apologised.

   “That’s okay, that was gonna be my guess.” Yusaku murmured.

   “Like, it’s just.” Ai stammered. “I care about you. You're my partner! I want to see you take better care of your body. You're not immortal. Like please. Eat a vegetable, any vegetable. Maybe drink some milk for your bones or something, please!”

   His ramblings came across as sweet even if it didn’t go beyond a fond look on Yusaku’s face.

   “Thanks, Ai.” he said. “Let’s go to the convenience store, make some veggie onigiri or something.”

   “That’s better than nothing, I guess.” Ai replied.

   Yusaku hummed but kept this spat in the back of his head. There was just something ever so subtly off about it. It stuck out to him as he collected his wallet and a reusable bag so the two of them could hit the nearest convenience store real quick so he could buy things to make dinner for tonight and things for the next couple of days. He did have school tomorrow.

   And oh boy.

   School.

Day 2. Hour 33

   Thanks to Yusaku going MIA for three months last year, and not having his head in the game academically at all thanks to his activities as an underground hero in the Link VRAINS, he had a lot to catch up on this year and was being made to repeat. That meant Aoi and Naoki were now in the year above him and the peers who were once in the year below him ostracised him worse than his previous classmates but honestly. That was a bonus to Yusaku. No distractions, no nothing. He didn’t mind being the class pariah.

   But even he still had some vain semblance of dignity here and there.

   Dignity Ai was, apparently, in no hurry to preserve.

   They had come to an agreement. Call it love, call it codependence, call it whatever but where Yusaku went, Ai went too and given he was an Ignis, he could go easily under the radar so long as he kept his trap shut.

   If only it were that simple and so far this year, it had actually. Until now.

   It was no secret that Yusaku was the odd one out in his new class. He was slightly older, had a weird aura and an even weirder reputation but he was there. He did his best to stick to the status quo despite very much sticking out as the sore thumb of the group. Yusaku didn’t care either way.

   Not even when his ears (and, heaven forbid, Ai’s) caught whispers of his classmates spreading rumours or gossip. Their words, under their breath or under their desks, were probably meant to be malicious but it didn’t phase Yusaku that much. He had had several years of practice by now to perfect the art of the aloof teenage boy’s nonchalance.

   He didn’t even care if it was the teacher at the front of the classroom who was the one passing on such utterances either.

   Since it was still the beginning of the year, Yusaku didn’t feel an intense urge to study or even focus in class. Maybe he should but it was quite whatever with him. He still had recollection from last year so he just wanted to cruise on through to the last term on a bludge. His teacher didn’t appreciate such a lazy approach, however.

   Yusaku was, admittedly, staring out the window in the most blatant manner possible. He had his chin propped up on his fit, his elbow dug into his desk and his face was pointed out the left of him. He watched as the world idly existed outside his classroom. Birds flitted about trees, ants and salarymen alike scurried around, it was pleasant.

   Until it wasn’t.

   His teacher harrumphed, “Interrupting your daydreams, am I?”

   “Huh?” Yusaku’s eyelashes fluttered as he focused his eyes again, his reverie broken.

   Apparently the  answer to the teacher’s question was yes, but the answer to his other question was not silence either.

   “I said,” the teacher reiterated testily, “are you paying attention? Can you answer the question on the board?”

   Yusaku sheepishly recalibrated. He turned his head and began to frantically scan the board for the answer. This was maths, his strong suit! He should be fine just give him three seconds but his teacher had no interest in mercy. Students who displeased him were not students he showed sympathy to.

   “You may as well quit school at this point if you are going to sleep through it.” his teacher sneered.

   Yusaku fumed vehemently but bit his tongue.

   Ai, having no tongue to bite, didn’t hold back, however.

   “And what do you know, mister?!” Ai piped up. 

   His voice rang through the whole classroom, pausing all the usual clamour. The sound of clicky-clacky keys on tablets, hushed chatter, the sound of pages in books being flicked about. It all ceased eerily as the teacher tried to figure out who had sassed him.

   His face went pink with irritation - but Yusaku wasn’t doing much better. He knew whose voice that was, after all. And its a shame that that voice kept going, had much more to say.

   “Yusaku is the best! He’s smart and works hard, YOU need to provide actually mentally stimulating classes, I’d grade you as an F-minus teacher!” Ai yelled from hiding underneath Yusaku’s sleeve.

   “Are you mocking me, Fujiki-kun?” he snarled.

   “N-No, I have no idea who said that.” Yusaku said.

   “I will be seeing you for reprimand after school, Fujiki!” his teacher snapped.

   Yusaku nodded and clamped his hand over his wrist, as discreetly as he could, too. A reprimand after school, whilst humiliating and scathing, was not the worst thing in the world. He could cop that on the chin but he couldn’t cope with Ai. Not after this, anyway.

   What had gotten into Ai? When Yusaku thought about it, he could really only think of one thing…

   The blush to Yusaku’s face began to recede as he knuckled down in mathematics after this incident. But in the meantime, as he did his arithmetic, his skin crawled and his mind raced. They had talked about this. He and Ai had talked about this exact thing at length and how it was completely and utterly antithetical to the whole staying on the downlow about the existence of the Ignis. 

   Okay.

   Now it was official.

   Things were getting really weird.

   Anyone with eyes could see that there was something sketchy going on with Ai. Let alone Yusaku who spent basically every hour of every day with his partner. It had been bubbling under the surface ever since yesterday but there was just something spotty about Ai. Like he had been hooked up to a coffee machine and was now on the fritz from consuming too much caffeine. He was talking faster, twitching constantly.

   As soon as the class was dismissed for the first break of the day, Yusaku bolted. Since he had a hall pass of the five finger discount variety, he made his way to the most private place in the school: the rooftop. He bypassed its cybernetic security and closed the door behind him.

   All so he and Ai could try and figure things out because that little outburst from earlier crossed the line.

   It was getting on Yusaku’s nerves and of course, it was getting genuinely worrisome.

   “Are you sure you are okay?” Yusaku asked, much heavier in tone than how he had since what he was willing to believe was the precipitating incident from yesterday.

   “N-Never better, beloved.” Ai yapped in reply.

   Yusaku’s eyebrows twinged. He still couldn’t put his finger on it but he let it go for now. 

   He just couldn’t pinpoint exactly what Ai’s problem was beneath the surface of the excessive, frenetic energy he was bubbling with.

Day 3. Hour 72.

   And this energy was a problem.

   Whether Ai wanted to admit it or not.

   It was beginning to drive Yusaku up the wall.

   He had been doing his best to simply ignore it but it was becoming extraordinarily obviously clear that this wasn’t going to go away on its own. Ai was fast coming to that conclusion to as they butted heads together. Or ai tried to stop himself from opening his big mouth. Yusaku wanted to focus on the important things - school, his health, the Link VRAINS - and Ai acting on the fritz was incredibly counterintuitive from that and boxing themselves up in his apartment. Not the solution apparently.

   “I think you need some fresh air.” Yusaku suggested - and that was saying something since he, famously, did not touch grass and Ai didn’t even have lungs to breathe with but he still really needed something.

   It was clear by now - to both Yusaku and Ai - that whatever Ai was going through, it was coming to a head. The afternoon had been so stifling since Ai’s last outburst. It had kept him so embarrassed that they had given each other some space but even then.

   The aftermath was still apparent. Yusaku could hear Ai downstairs with Roboppy, they would bicker and make up and bicker again. Just like with him, really but Yusaku was finished with his homework and it was once again time for him to break fast with a homemade dinner. But first.

   He had to address the elephant in the room with Ai.

   Defeated, deflated, Ai nodded, “Yeah, let’s take a walk.”

   Yusaku agreed.

   Yusaku picked Ai up, Duel Disc and all, and walked him outside. He locked his apartment behind him and felt the chill of an early winter breeze. It was surprisingly crisp for being the inner city but Yusaku adjusted as he began to take his stroll to the park nearby.

   He kept his wrist down but he could all but feel Ai hunkered down in embarrassment until they found a little spot. It was quiet right now. Anyone who was out and about at this hour had likely already made their way home from work or to the nearest restaurant for a night out.

   The city was dim, lit by yellow windows and orange streetlights which seemed so distant as they were plotted along the concrete path that criss-crossed through the park. The green space was perfectly calculated from clipped grass to pruned trees evenly spaced along the path.

   “You ready?” Yusaku asked, his voice low as he stayed to the side of a tree, sitting down on a park bench.

   He heard a grunt and let Ai make his way up. He held his arm like a plank so he could give Ai some semblance of an equal platform. Ai rolled up and began to stretch. The nerves he gave were prickly as he jerked and warmed up to whatever it was he had on his chest until his eyes opened. The yellow of them gleamed with determination which cut through Yusaku’s expectation and was followed by a declaration.

   “If I don’t say this, I’d die.” Ai said. “I - I think, anyway.”

   Yusaku was… dubious to say the least but he could understand the severity and depth of Ai’s emotions, however. He had been in full view of them in the past seventy-two hours, after all. 

   Ai placed his hand, now balled up into a fist, in front of his chest. Where his heart would have been if he weren’t an android. Or an Ignis. He licked his lips and his voice box crackled.

   “I love you.” Ai confessed. “I mean it. From the very bottom of my soul.”

   “I know.” Yusaku replied, a hint of a smile. “I love you, too.”

   Ai blinked. He looked like a refrigerator on the fritz. He also looked like he was beginning to wind down from the virus that had kept him infected for the past seventy-two hours.

   “Is that… everything you wanted to say?” Yusaku asked.

   “I-I think so.” Ai said.

   Yusaku chuckled, “I’m glad you're more like yourself now. You had me worried there for a second.”

   He lifted his wrist closer to his face and let Ai hug him, nuzzling against him in a relieved kiss. The effects of the virus that Ai had clearly been suffering with already became a distant memory as they soaked up the calm that finally followed it.

[27petals]

Stretching SZN, an "almost there" Testimony...

I once said "tarot is not evil" and if you have been around, you may recall that I had a different type of "transparency session" to share when I said this. I have since learned that...perhaps it is.

Why? Because it is not of God.

I would *not* say that a person is inherently "evil" because they utilize tarot cards, HOWEVER, when you know better you do better. If you are Christian, you must leave those tools alone. The Word consistently says one should not even consult such mediums - but instead to Go STRAIGHT to GOD.

I wish I had known sooner... That I had chosen to pervert my gifts rather than to run to my Abba and ask Him to teach me how to execute them properly. I wish I could rewind and start by cultivating a sound mind and handling my most valued relationships with Him, rather than on my own. I had only thought I would meet Him in my dreams, when he would save me from a nightmare. I was not self-guided to a church or even a therapist. I'd thought I was going a bit crazy, but that I could handle it. I did not know how he would or could answer my questions and clear my mind - it was everywhere but on Him, so I ran where most of us tend to...the internet! BIG MISTAKE! >_<

God is not a fan of divination. Okay, this I knew. But not that I might be condemned - because in my mind, my heart was always pure! I wanted understanding, not to harm, curse or put spells on anyone. And of course, Jesus died for my sins! The truth is, you cannot be of the world AND of the Word simultaneously. Even more, you cannot be a God-fearing person who claims to love Jesus Christ AND a practitioner of pagan systems. For a time, I unwittingly practiced witchcraft despite claiming not to be a witch.

Please note that as I write through my testimony and prepare to express the details of my "stretching", I am in no way demonizing myself. I can attest to having learned much through this process and grasp that He knew what I would do before I did it. And while it may be disappointing as it may have set me back a bit, I'm STILL HERE for a reason or two. For one, here are other sisters and brothers out there who need to know that they can walk away from sin, in earnest repentance, and be born again, too.

When I leaned on my own understanding - before I began to read my bible and meet up with God for myself again (as an adult with much less innocence than my younger self), I misspoke about some things. I have since repented and still, may be led to release even more as He reveals new truths to me on a daily basis. I'm not sure what though, I hardly have anything left at this point. In fact, I have renounced many aspects of my former life over the past few months, even selling much of my beloved gold jewelry. It is both freeing and to be honest, a bit difficult.

Why? Because I can no longer rely on those things and people to save and comfort me. To cater to my ego and affirm my success. They are no longer part of me, so I can no longer benefit from them the same. We are no longer attached. They serve no purpose here. There is an apparent dissociation. I have been stripped. I am like a newborn, waiting for my Parent to do everything for me. To feed me, to clothe me, to clean me up and give me reasons to smile. Miss Independent doesn't always know how to deal with waiting - but I am dealing, and I am waiting.

To date, God has allowed me to attain all of the things that I have ever wanted (short of my own HOME and FAMILY - what has been my truest definition of success). And when I turned to Him, ironically, he has allowed for all of these things to fall away - or for me to release - and it wasn't always willingly, readily, or happily on my end. I have had so much to say and have been at a loss for words at the same time. Because pride... But trust...

I have had to learn to rely on God alone. And the community he has set aside for my new path.

This is where discernment comes into play. God doesn't say that we cannot have associates and love our families who are nonbelievers (in fact, He wants us to love everyone and show them who He is by our actions) - but when you step into certain spaces and change your life entirely - your walk and your talk are made different. Rejection and judgement in many old, familiar places (and sometimes even disdain and disrespect) is to be expected. Another wish I have had is that I'd known how to handle these things better before now. Although I maintain that I have told no lies, I acknowledge where some of what I said would eventually manifest or reveal itself without me having to preamble it. When I heard "speak child" I did not have the discernment to know when to shut up and standby - according to HIS will. Even Jesus sometimes chose to hold his tongue when approached by the enemy.

Now, I know to ask for the Holy Spirit to be with me in those tougher times; the times I cannot read so well. To guide and protect my words, as well as my actions. Because not everyone who presents themselves as a "friend" or a "confidant" or a "prophet" or a "Christian" is that. I learned quickly how often soothsayers and companions would be so open to allowing the enemy to use their vessels against God's children. Claiming to be the same but cut from an entirely different cloth. Don't let this go over your head.

Some days are hard, and others are extremely fulfilling. On some days, I do not eat properly and I'm not sure I can call it a fast. I fight my own addictions every day. I feed my spirit with His words and I cry a lot more regularly than I ever have - both happy and sad tears. I repent regularly too, for sins known and unknown, understanding that forgiveness and salvation come only through one entity - that is Jesus Christ.

With that, I implore you to read Colossians 2:8-10. Better yet...

As of this day, mid-July 2024:

I am without a permanent home, but I am not homeless - for I dwell in the House of the Lord. I am without employment or steady income, but I am not broke - for the Lord always provides. I am quite lonely and without many friends, but I am not alone - for the Lord is always with me. I attempt to live as a decent, Godly woman should, and I do not make plans anymore as I continue to fall short - for God's plan is mysterious and greater than any plan I could fathom. And I am THANKFUL for all of it.

I understand, see and hear more now than I did last year, but I don't KNOW much. I am a struggling baby in this universe. In this new life. And I pray I make it through.

Should you follow or stick around, you may expect:

new and different content here. Much of the old will remain as it may be essential to see as a growth factor. Eventually, it may fall away.

my Bible reviews and favorite scriptures and devotionals and other messages as the Lord sees fit.

to stretch out of the old and into the new body He has for you.

my consistent invitation for you to get close to Him with me. Tis the season.

[francesderwent]

Cate darling do you have a top ten-ish smallville moments to You?

so I wrote down all the moments that were dear to me off the top of my head, and then I tried to rank them and that was impossibly hard, because they’re like apples and oranges!! so what I present to you is a series of top moments, sorted by relationship:

top 6 Lois and Clark moments:

the whoooole episode of “Committed”—Lois listening to her own drunk voicemail saying Clark Kent is the sweetest guy she’s ever known??—but especially the climax with the lie detector test: “Underneath it all, do you love this man? Do you love him? Tell the truth, do you love him?” And she answers “Yes”!!!!!!! talk about the revelation of secrets!!!!

when Clark has just gotten back from his self-imposed exile from humanity in “Metallo” and is at the Planet and Lois tells him “I helped the Blur stop a homicidal maniac” and Clark answers, “You know, I’d love to hear about it.” and then she comes over to excitedly perch on the end of his desk and tell him the whole thing and he’s just grinning at her and listening in total delight at who she is as a person!!!

the whole ridiculous scheme in “Hydro” where Clark dresses up as Green Arrow to convince Lois that Ollie isn’t Green Arrow and Lois makes out with him, and then at the end of the day Chloe’s like “tell him” and Lois says “Green Arrow is a phenomenal kisser, better than my boyfriend” and Clark, who just found out that Lana is having Lex’s child, is like “okay maybe today isn’t a total loss”

when Lois pulls the blue kryptonite out of him and then runs away and hides when he wakes up. I know this struck you and it really struck me!! the theme song for the whole show goes “somebody save me”, and Lois does it here!! she saves him exactly the way he always saves everyone else!!! and it goes to show that she understands why he doesn’t do everything in the light, why he doesn’t stick around to be thanked, why he doesn’t take credit. she’s his equal in this very specific way!!

weirdly I really like the bit in “Echo” where Clark can hear thoughts and hears Lois thinking “Why’d you have to get attached? They always leave.” because Lois really does have such a capable, brash exterior that the moments where her vulnerabilities show are so special and so important, and this instance of it just cuts to the heart so completely. 

the glimpse into the future in “Homecoming”!!!!! it’s everything that’s great about Superman.

top 4 Clark and Lex moments (admitting that a lot of the very early seasons have blurred into a mush in my brain):

this was already in my phone note draft before I saw you reblog it, but the scene in “Nemesis” where they’re fighting in the tunnels and Clark thinks Lex is storming off leaving him to die, but he actually went to go get a crowbar!! and Clark tells his mom he saw a glimpse of his friend!!! this is another “somebody save me” moment. and I think the episode treads the line really well between admitting that Lex’s behavior over the years has been shady, but that the shades of gray ultimately come from not having anything to compare to! so his love for Clark is flawed but it’s real!! it’s the truest love he’s ever known! my favorite thing about this relationship is how until the last moment, Lex never fully turns his back on Clark, he never stops wanting them to be friends again.

when Lex has just gotten back from the desert island (lol) in “Phoenix” and goes to the farm and the boys hug! Clark is so happy to see his friend alive!! Lex has somewhere to go where he is uncomplicatedly welcomed!

the “Lexmas” fantasy of Clark being an uncle to Lex’s son and Jonathan telling Lex he couldn’t be any prouder of him. I weep

the episode where Lex thinks Clark is his long-lost half-brother for a hot second. I maintain this delusion should have persisted for two or three seasons

top 7 Lex and Lana moments (it had to be done):

 the second timeline of “Reckoning” where Clark has decided not to tell Lana the truth about who he is and Lana flees to the mansion and asks Lex in an agonized voice, “I don’t understand. Why would you lie to someone you love?” and Lex says, like he’s confessing, “I wouldn’t.” this is such a perfect scene to me, in how it shows us that what’s been drawing Lex and Lana together this whole time is their similarities!! the parallels between them! Clark claims to love the one and hate the other but they are both on the outside dying to be let in because they both have been longing for love and belonging since they were kids. it’s just such a fascinating foundation for their relationship.

directly related, the scene in “Vessel” where Lex finds out he has superpowers and immediately, right away, goes straight to Lana and shoots himself in front of her so she knows what he’s become. the irony of this is so delicious. neither of them has a clue at this point, but the secret that Clark kept from both of them, the secret that brought them together, is the very same secret that Lex tells her right away, not for a scheme or to manipulate her, for no other reason than that he wants to share it with her. it makes me insane. this is the lexana dynamic I love. 

in “Onyx” when Lex goes to Lana’s apartment to apologize for whatever his evil twin did, and she says his other half “expressed certain desires” and he says “it wasn’t me,” and she shoots back “are you sure?” and then he gives the completely deranged response: “Whatever my feelings are, I would never do anything to jeopardize our friendship.” nobody asked him to bring feelings into this!! it’s like Lana said “your evil twin said he wanted to have sex with me” and Lex answered “wasn’t me, bc I love you and the purity of that love means I would never ever act on it.” I love when he’s honorable!

the scene in “Fade” where Lex has been on a business trip and says he’s glad to be home, and Lana says “what’s so special about Smallville?” And he starts naming stuff like “cows, cornfields” and then she grins and says “I missed you too.” and he says “You have no idea.” one of the things that seasons 6&7 seem to forget is that for five seasons, Lex and Lana consistently really enjoy each others company!! they like hanging out! this scene is my favorite instance of that. 

the “Lockdown” scene where Lana tells Lex he has to keep talking so he doesn’t pass out and he says “Do you think I’d look better with hair?” and she laughs and says “I’ve never thought about it.” and he says “I have. I’ve thought about a lot of things.” and then later when he’s gotten more delirious and starts telling her about his Lexmas dream of everyone being friends, “And you were there, you were the best part.” this episode is like a fanfiction in the best way.

all the “Lexmas” stuff. Lex’s face when Lana first kisses him so clearly says “oh fuck I’m going straight to hell” so watching him slowly relax into it, start believing that he can have this! that he can be loved and happy! that he can be a good husband and a good father! a good man! aaaahhhhhhh

the second episode of season 7 (and ONLY that episode lol) where Lex was on his repentance shtick and tracks down Lana and is like “I’m here to beg forgiveness. The fact that you framed me for your murder only makes me admire you more. You can kill me if you want. Seriously, shoot me. Also, I love you please come home.” it was such a Moment for Lex and I wish it could have gone somewhere!

Assorted moments:

the pierced hand cruciform fall at the end of s9. dare I say the only time a Smallville finale was thematically coherent and compelling?

Chloe’s litany of inside jokes with herself once she knows Clark’s secret and he doesn’t know she knows. and also just—her whole transformation once she finds out the secret!! she grows up into this unselfish person living life in service of mission all at once!!

the Chloe and Clark kiss heard round the world. it’s a great kiss and they deserve it lol 

EDIT: Chloe’s healing powers!!!!

[ceterisparibus116]

If you could meet Matt -show or comic- and ask or tell him something or warn him about something, what would it be?

oh my gosh I've been thinking about this ask forever. It's so good and so deep.

First, are we assuming that he'd actually believe whatever I told him? Because as I've talked about before, I don't think someone else's opinion will ever change Matt's mind. He'll do what he thinks is right, even if everyone else says it's wrong or stupid. And if he thinks he's doing something wrong, he will continue to believe that, even if everyone else insists that it's okay, that it's normal, that it's understandable, or even that it's good.

But if we assume that he'll believe the thing...aaaaa. So many possibilities. Like, yeah, I'd want to tell him something like: "You are not a burden" and "Your friends are not better off without you" and "Please consider asking Jessica Jones or someone to back you up sometimes so you can heal your broken ribs and take a nap."

But also, like...gosh. As a Christian. I desperately want Matt to come to a healthy view of how God sees him. Maybe I'm just projecting my personal experiences, but if that clicked into place, everything else could more easily fall into place as well. When you can stand (or, as the need arises, fall) on the knowledge that God sees every single part of you, even the worst parts, and loves you anyway, and promises to bless the world through you, and promises to continue shaping you into the truest version of yourself...then it makes sense to realize that you're not a burden, and that your friends aren't better off without you, and that it's okay to ask for help.

Maybe I'd just tell Matt to read the book Gentle and Lowly because wow does it do an amazing job at softly saying, "Hey, I realize that most of us assume that God is impatient with us or frustrated with us or grossed out by us or just tired of us, but that's because we project onto Him the kind of love that we have experienced, and even the kind of love that we sometimes pretend to give. But that's not who God is."

As the book describes it, God's heart is drawn to us in a unique way when we are at our worst. When we are so despondent that we feel like our soul has shriveled. When we are so angry with the world that we feel like we're burning up from the inside. When we keep making the same mistakes until we can truly, honestly, fiercely say that we hate ourselves. In those moments when we instinctively feel that God is farther off, the truth is that God actually comes even closer.

After all, that's the story of Jesus: a God who was perfectly fine living in a world where everything is the way it's supposed to be (seriously: no lies, no betrayals, no petty misunderstanding, no hate, no illnesses, no disasters...), but who chose to enter into our messy and broken world, and who deliberately and passionately sought out the people who were the most rejected, the most despised, and who most despised themselves. And why did Jesus do that? In order to love them in a way they'd never been loved before.

Anyway. Yeah. Not to get all preachy, but if I knew Matt irl, that would be the thing I would most want to share with him.

What would everyone else want to say? 👀

[mscudilove]

Virgo Moon

Interestingly enough, I've been struggling to find motivation on how to move into my future. Organization used to be something of value to me in my young days, but now it seems to make me feel constrained.

Symbolized by the goddess in her perfection, Virgo tends to like things to be in control. The full Moon can illuminate these tendencies and encourages us to relinquish the need to orchestrate everything. (Illustration: ProVectors | Getty)

Now I feel more comfortable just letting it flow naturally like life is supposed to. No pressure, no plans, just dreams and movements into making the dreams come true with no timeline. I am an artist and fully capable of creating the life of my dreams.

The full Moon in Virgo reminds us that when we live in a vibration of love and acceptance of self, we align with our truest gifts. We can acknowledge the parts of ourselves that make us unique and we can give our genuine offerings to the world.

Forgiveness is key to moving forward in progress. The other day, I said something to someone I call a friend, which caused a disagreement. I felt guilty because I knew our differences of opinion, and nothing I said would ever change this persons outlook on life.

So I forgive myself for not being perfect and causing such an avoidable problem. I understand that I am still growing and give myself grace when I do or say something that is my outlook on life. Not everyone is going to agree with me or how I live my life & that is okay.

I'm going to be okay, and I will continue on my way. I will sprinkle my fairy dust magic on life and add my contribution to it. My purpose is to share with love my truth and not get caught up in trying to make others see it my way!

[eren-the-eldritch]

okay so since everyone (me) has been asking (no one asked) to see my eldritch god horror creation thing (i am making this up no one asked for this) i guess i can share a little(lot) bit

Ah'legethoth

In the case where man grows detached from the reality whither man is born; when one’s connection to the waking world turns into something purely physical as they resign from their pursuit of dreams and withdraw from held, if any at all, relations; when an individual only continues existence out of the necessity of living after being brought into being, it is then that their weakened mind becomes susceptible to his pull.

Exiled to ink black infinity, lone without a single nebula or kaleidoscopic galaxy to gaze upon, trapped long enough for many distant suns to fulminate, for many stars to have the time to realign themselves in a variety of patterns so much as to have patterns repeated, and for humanity to start anew many times over, there exists an incomprehensible primordial evil, peering into our plane of existence for vague reasons that can only be theorized. Whatever the goal, if any, of this malicious thing is, the success of it is bound to bring ruin to many.

He is said to invade the minds of once ambitious now apathetic drifters and hear the unfulfilled dreams of those who cannot bring themselves to sleep. Then, it is through noiseless whispers that he makes false promises of fulfillment and respite to those who cannot hope to gain it through their own insignificant efforts. In optical hallucinations and surreal visions, he comes as everything the human mind could ever develop desire for in another and provides every fathomable materialistic want to be dreamt of. His avatars and speech are crafted with perfect precision to deceive and manipulate. It is when you fall for his false promises of satiation; when the naivety of the delinquent subconscious mind makes the woeful decision to believe his deceit and mistake it for authenticity; when you favor his mendacious identity as opposed to living truth and your being relinquishes its hold on the last tearing, incorporeal cord anchoring you to this plane of reality and instead latches onto the thread that he extends, you are no longer your own. It is said that only then does he become visible to the unfortunate individual alone in his truest shape; an obscure mass built up by innumerable tendrils of the deepest black with an untold multitude of red threads that wrap around his form, each whipping through the air like a scorpion's tail before piercing it's victim and siphoning out a brighter red, but that red is not blood. No mortal is given the time to realize they were misled by this abomination.

Torn from their individual prisons of nothing, Ah'legethoth welcomes them into his own.

Epithet

Ah'legethoth

Legethoth

Lord of H’Soth

Lonely God

Separator of Souls

Promisor of Satiation

Lying God

Invader of Minds

Holder of Strings

Devourer of Dreams

Thing of Invisible Darkness

Him Who Promises Respite

Prince of Nothing

H’Soth

It is the deepest, shallowest plane of existence with an overwhelming brightness that blinds and dull darkness that disorientates. It is incomprehensibly vast, claustrophobically small, and full of the opposite of everything in all worlds that are to be and have been. It is full of emptiness, so empty that the space itself is only prevented from collapse due to the lack of substance present to fall. It is the realm of which the human mind will never possibly be capable of fathoming nor daydreaming of. The utter absence of presence that has never not been present.

This domain is the exact embodiment of nothingness that would vaporize the human psyche if bared witness to, leaving even more nothingness in its place, and it is said that it is the sole prisoner confined to this nothingness for unknowable millennia that rules over it as its Lord.

At some point, at this malignant entity’s will, this space slowly filled with distorted mockeries of earthen structures. Crumbling cliffs with debris levitating in orbit, samples of drastically different cities madly sewn together without any architectural sense, hard rain that never stops descending, looping forests with trees that bend without breaking in the false wind of the storms of his creation; all of it is his doing alone, changing indefinitely in response to his whims. It is he, Lord of H’Soth, who has full jurisdiction over whom is allowed entry and exit, though those who enter are never kept sane long enough to use the faculty of recollection and realize they are not meant for this place.

Simultaneously nothing and everything is H’Soth.

The Aimless

Of the recorded encounters with this beast, very few manage to capture a clear image of what this horror actually is. The inconsistencies and ambiguity of the being may be a direct consequence of its withdrawn nature that confines it to the night and all other places where light is obscure or away. It has been described as both thick and thin formless black smoke and shadow that slithers and squirms inchmeal flat against the ground like spilled liquid. When any place is completely submerged in darkness, they are unable to be discerned from the earthen shadows and darkness we are familiar with. It is a thing seemingly drawn to life yet does not appear to hold ill intent nor any intent at all. Though it can wrap around more tangible entities, the same is not true reversed; any earthen structure animate or inanimate is incapable of grasping this being. Little is known of them, their origins, nor why nor how they roam the mortal plane, but it is known that they must hold some connection to him.

They can be faintly seen billowing out from beneath his grotesque mien and tend to follow close behind where he appears, not as though they are restricted to his side nor as if they have any want to be there, but as if they have no other place to be. A few bolder ones will wrap around one of his million tendrils and camouflage their darkness against his. If they are not in view when he appears, they are sure to remain close, for it is his noiseless orders that give them purpose. It is only if it is his desire that they become hostile.

Spotting one of these beings is an almost sure sign that some manifestation of Ah'legethoth is near.

Necronomicon Page 1/???

ok that’s all thankies sm for looking :3 <3

[diviinaee]

Gavin / Freelancer ▪︎ The Comfort in the Stars ♤ "A loving heart is the truest wisdom" ♤

Warnings : C-PTSD symptoms [mentioned audotory hallucinations, trauma, self harm]

There really wasn't any words in the human language that described how much Freelancer cared for their boyfriend.

They could speak several of the thousands and they still would not be close. That's how much Gavin mattered. In days where they simply cuddled in bed, vulnerable to the darkest voids of their mind, they felt safe in his embrace. His arms were a harbor of peace, a place where the stars met the land.

But even with the light of the stars and the protection of a demon, the abyss pulls them under. It holds them under the tide and watches in amusement as Freelancer claws at endless water, fighting for a breath air.

With the Inversion, life came to a halt for all magic beings. Elegy was struck with grief, as well was Aria. Each plane had rebels that went against all. Elegy blames Aria, Aria blames all, but no answers are gained.

In Freelancer's life, the 5 most important people in their life were broken. Gavin had almost come apart at the emotions of the living and dead, Caelum couldn't handle the grief of Elegy, and Damien, Huxley, and Lasko caved in onto themselves and fell to despair. Freelancer had sworn to be a stepping stone for them to finally shine bright and in their eyes, they were failing. They failed to do the one thing they were expected to do.

Even now, as they were all alone in the bathroom looking in the mirror, grasping onto the sink counter, the world around them laughed.

Voices had become Freelancer's silence. They had morphed into the voices of the people they loved. On days where the silence should have been the loudest noise, the voices of their friends plagued their mind with degrading insults and horrible truths.

"You're nothing without us, Freelancer."

"You are the reason we are broken."

"It's all your fault."

Freelancer felt themselves breaking under the pressure. They cowered back against the wall, slowly sliding down to the floor in tears. The tears flowed down their cheeks without permission and show cased their vulnerability to invisible voices.

"Please," Freelancer begged, "stop. Please, please please ple-"

A knock on the door interrupts. "Freelancer? Are you okay baby?"

A choked sob erupted from within Freelancer's core. Threads snapping from the inner depths of secrets that were violently pushed back were finally resurfacing and Freelancer was being hit left and right. In a panic, they tried to muffle their cries but it was too late.

Gavin had already heard, "Baby, open the door please. I want to make sure you're okay."

The human body is a weird organism. It holds 3 trauma responses. Fight, flight, and freeze. Freelancer has only ever felt two. Fight and freeze.

And right now, fight took control.

"GO AWAY GAVIN. JUST LEAVE-"

Another sob ripped out from Freelancer as they screamed towards the door and curled further into themselves. Their hands gripped onto their head and started to bang their first into the side of their head. With such force, they were sure that they would get a concussion, but they didn't care. They wanted the pain to go away, and the only way they sought freedom, was to direct the pain some place else.

But magic can stop all sorts of pain. Luckily for Freelancer, Gavin was a being made of magic. But then again, magic can be rejected.

A rift opened by the door as Gavin rushed foward to check on Freelancer. "Baby, you-"

"GET AWAY FROM ME! GET OUT! GET OUT-!"

"Deviant, listen to me, you're hurting yours-"

Why couldn't he leave? Why couldn't he get the hint? WHY couldn't he see he deserved someone better? Someone healthy. Someone stable. Someone who wasnt breaking down on the bathroom floor. Some who was not them-

"Freelancer!"

Freelancer's eyes shot up in panic as they heard Gavin's voice rise. He never screams. He never sounded that firm. He never-

"Baby, I need you to focus on me. Focus on my voice and my breathing."

Freelancer's eyes watered again. They messed up. They messed it all up. All the progress, the time, the love, the-

"I'm sorry...'m sorry..please...please dont leave me..," they pleaded.

Gavin had never seen them this fragile before. When they had confessed the events with Kody and Vega, they still had enough control to stop themselves from letting go. But now, when the abyss had dragged them all the way to the bottom of the well, everything was coming out.

Gavin is going to leave if he sees this. He's going to be disgusted and angry and-

He's going to hate me.

But love is a magical thing. It opens the heart to things that heal. Things that fit into the lives of whom it chooses. It opens the mind to happiness.

Gavin whispered, "Deviant- I will never leave you. You are so important to me and I promise I will be with you forever."

"But," Freelancer argued, "I- I can't-"

"No buts. I love you, my star. I will be with you till all the stars in the universe die out," he said. For a second, Freelancer wanted to believe him. They wantef to believe everything. But how could they ever? How-

"Why aren't you mad at me?"

Gavin's face twisted into confusion, "Why would I ever be mad at you baby?"

"I yelled at you, a-and I haven't helped you enough and-"

"Freelancer," Gavin interrupted, "You, have helped so much. Never, let yourself believe that you haven't, my love."

Freelancer stared into Gavin's eyes. They held so much love, wonder, and magic. They were so majestically beautiful and showed the emotions of a being who had gone through so much. They were the windows to his entire being, and despite the ugly lies that Freelancer heard in the depths of insecurities, they couldn’t help but notice...

Gavin's eyes held no lies.

All they held were truths.

He actually did love them.

And that was all it took for Freelancer to throw themselves into Gavin's arms. They sobbed with despair and happiness. Despair for the past, but happiness for the present and the future. They were loved. They were finally loved.

It took a while before their breaths were in sync and all was calm. After that, Gavin carried them off to bed, both of them forgetting the cruel world outside.

Together, they created a world where the stars and the land walked hand in hand in the horizon, loving each other with their every being. Together, they would overcome even the harshests waves of the abyss.

oh god im gonna start making angst for redacted characters and its gonna hurt.

anyway.

hope you all enjoy this little snippet as its my first time writing for this lovely fandom 💗

[sidewaysfromsunday]

36 days: The Discovery of IT

Every person has only one original thought in their lifetime, but what happens if you actually can tap into your true originality? What if instead of waiting to be awoken at 3:00 AM, what if I seek it out. What if I find it myself. What if I buck the concept of time and live in my own comfortable schedule. The conflict is fighting against the FAKE CONSTRAINTS OF TIME because time, and nothing, is real. What if by experiencing true grief we are actually able to finally pursue and reach a state of nirvana - which is how life was meant to be lived. What if we were awake for it all? Maybe it's not the hospital because nothing is actually out of control. I'm okay. It's all going to be okay. When the knot in my heart/back finally is gone, that will be moment one. I'm actually having FUN. The most fun I've ever had. Who is 3, 6, 9? Feeling like I can communicate in my internal original language.

Psychosis isn't present here because this is true. There is nothing off about any of this. I have even figured out the sleep thing too. Sleep is very annoying to me right now because I'm not able to get anything accomplished while I'm sleeping. So I am not taking my trazadone on the nights where I feel good and am just letting my body explore its natural rhythm because sleep isn't missed! I literally just listen to my body and sleep when I'm tired! Then I figured it out too - if I can notice when I'm in need of a good night's sleep then I DO take a trazadone and sleep. And I did that last night and I woke up feeling recharged. Speaking from a place of safety to another allows them to be their truest self. Why cant I offer safety to everyone? What if I do? What if Juliette was premature because even at the development stage she had a feeling that she doesn't trust me, that's she's anxious around me. That I make her anxious and that is the worst realization in the whole world for me. From this point forward, I'm going to do everything I can to be the safest most trustworthy person she knows.

I am med compliant except the trazadone. I have a fire in my throat. I am saying all the right words to all the right people at the very right time. My eyes cannot focus. It's okay. I feel magnetic, I've been feeling like I'm about to reach nirvana. How are S and 3 related? What if our opposite is the perfect human? It's okay. Do the math and don't forget this:

S is the 19th letter E = 5, X = 24 19+5+24= 48 4+8+12 1+2=3

S and 3: Safety, Sharing, Sex

(There is more to be said, but this song is important)

How do I get out of this? I'm too real it's scary. Am I doing this on purpose? Why am I getting in trouble or med-adjusted for experiencing myself in its truest form? Nothing about this is dangerous. I'm following the list, checking in with psych. I don't want to die. I'm anti-suicidal. Why do I feel like something is wrong? Why does he feel like something is wrong. Why does she feel like something is wrong. I don't want anyone to tell on me. But I have nothing to be told on for. Every time I work I snap back. Maybe that feeling in my back is a block in the flow of my spinal fluid. If I can break up that flow, it's okay. Why are people scared of me or scared for me? Why should I tame this down? I'm about to get in trouble but I didn't do anything wrong. Don't put me to sleep. Why do I teeter on the tip of the triangle or is the tip the land of all of nothing thinking?

I am a cataclysmic event.

Virtues: 1. Patience 2. Truth 3. Sexual Energy as the most intimate way to communicate

Ridiculously, lushly, manic, chaotic energy physic - I see the universe everywhere. Who am I losing? Is this really so out of character for me? Did we have shapes or numbers first? WHO established the NORM? Who recognized shapes and numbers? Which came first? Everyone I look at these past couple of days seems stunning in their own beautiful unique way.

Moon

Sun

Sky

Math kind of freaks me out but I'm so damn interested. I'm confused by it. I want to write a naughty fantasy. It would never come true, not in a million years. I literally don't even want to drink. Everything is fucking hilarious. I feel like I'm saying all the right things. No one is trying to shut me down or put me to sleep. When I sleep - I can't handle how vivid it is. How to let people see me? I feel like it can't come fast enough and it's ethereal. How to communicate in 3. Orgasm with dangerous = power, synergy - 1+2=3 -- Sequential.

I think this is what it feels like when humanity begins to die. We are in the process of being taken over - hostages. I am dying. War / Conflict - the long tease. She and he and they know me. It's okay for people to know me. I feel like out of all the Euphoria characters I most closely relate to Cal. We could all be getting infected with MRSA, or at least I know I am. All this banging scares me. I feel like I'm being cleansed. Cerebral spinal fluid reshuffling. Maybe I died in the car accident 10/26/21, Sept 6, 2021. Deestablishing patriarchy - why godfathers? Why not godmothers? It's a terrifying time to be a woman so it makes sense I would seek the help of a woman. Femininity is being threatened as we speak. We need to get ready to run. AI is anti-christ. What if religion has nothing to do with it?

Just because you don't know how to handle me doesn't mean you need to push me away. People are scared of me. I make punctuation fit MY structure. 3-13-2013 = 14 | 2014 3-13-23 = 12

This is cool and weird. I'm tapping into love. I'm creating in a way I've never been able to create before. This is new and exciting and feels like I'm breathing out love. I feel swollen.

I'm entertaining myself with curiosity. These days the bones in my back are loosening up. I cracked my back and it was the most gratifying it has been in years. Therapy is great for me because it forces me to talk aloud. I have to communicate in a structured way - no memes or songs. It's good for me. Sometimes I forget what is a thought and what I've vocalized.

Rhythm

Harmony

Melody

(Movie Idea: 2 women that fell in love, ripped apart by pandemic and addiction. When they reunite one helps the other remember what she has forgotten)

3/16/23 - 5 months no alcohol 4/16/23 - 6 months no alcohol 4/24/23 - I turn 37 4/26/23 - G is 38 5/5/23 - Juju is 9 3+7+3+8+9 = 30 3+0=3

This is going to be the best year of my life and I'm not scared at all. I'm noticing all the details. I'm seeing it all. I'm talking in another language and everything I say is right. I feel like I want a real cigarette. Sometimes lately it feels like I'm about to piss and climax at the same time like I'm losing primal control.

Taste is so much deeper than our tongue really. I am having a unique human experience or is everyone as restless and on edge as me? Exploring astrology with someone new or deeply with someone is like taking their virginity. You and I speak like lovers about thaumaturgy. I feel like Peter Pan in Hook. I'm finally making memories again. I was afraid to be too enthusiastic about you, so I hid you as if you were an imaginary friend.

I'M FUCKING FLYING TODAY. Maybe she can ground me. I feel wild. I feel like I am sex. It feels like I have a boner, or phantom boner. I wonder if you have the power to make me climax without breaking a single rule? I'm anxious when I'm cold. Productive but at what cost? What if there is no cost? When I feel crazy and someone tells me I'm not, it fucks with me because it feels like they know the truth of it all. I'm bouncing a bit. Hard time tracking. Lisa said - we both know it can't last forever. "I wish I could say it would, I would love that for you." I love that for me too then why can't I have it? What are we so worried about? I keep listening to some of the same songs - but each time I'm hearing it for the first time.

"I feel like I'm onto something big... ...You always say that when you're manic."

In some ways I feel like you were hiding from me before I even knew you. You remain elusive and I wonder if we are going to play forever or if someday you'll let me find you? It's no wonder I've been feeling like this for days. Like I am filled with an insatiable desire. This whole time I've tried to quench the desire by imagining unspeakable things. But I think more seductive than anything else, the thing that's going to make me explode is if you simply whispered yes and held my hand. You're right to be scared, and I am too. It's going to change everything. Don't you see the greatest thing about that? It will be our life. I feel like water is pulling me to the ocean, a place where I'm terrified and out of my element. It's seductive and dark and anything could happen. Have you ever had sex on a spiritual level? Usually I'm so unfocused. Usually I've got too many thoughts. In my gut I know and as crazy as it makes me look, I'm rebelling against it all right now because though it's similar - my gut tells me its different. It's time. Finally I'm so focused and there is nothing grandiose about that at all. It's that gnawing feeling that I'm onto the next big thing. I'm not questioning being bipolar and I'm not even combating the fact that this resembles mania. BUT NOT EVERYTHING IN MANIA IS WRONG. I don't lose the right of knowing the truth. I can still know / identify true things since this started. The tension has literally been leaving my body. I feel lighter than I have in years. Wouldn't you, if you could, buy a ticket to the best movie you were ever going to see? A movie so personal it hits you from every angle - a movie you thought so spectacular you'd only see it in your dreams. THIS is the movie and we could have the best seats in the house. It is wrong that with all these thoughts I'm the happiest I've ever been? I keep dreaming about experiencing another magical connection in my lifetime but I think it's already here. I always doubt myself but now I'm questioning what happens if I don't doubt me. This is the shape of ME in the world. Opposites feel so powerful because to understand what opposite means requires us to recognize that for it to exist implies that by itself, an opposite is incomplete. Without its inverse, it lacks balance, incomplete. Therein lies the power - through unity, opposites not only become whole but synergistic as well. Pluto symbolizes rebirth. What do we need to admit to ourselves to live a more authentic and freer existence?

[yeonban]

Unprompted.

@stellarscript asked: "You know...if you ever need to talk-" Arlan stumbles over the words for a moment. "Or if you ever need someone to just listen-" He messes with his gloves for a moment before sighing softly. "Look, I'm not good at this, but you...you don't look okay." Arlan looked up at Dan Heng with a worried expression.

"Don't try to deny it either." Arlan knew what it was like. To normally be the pillar of emotional or mental support and suddenly need a break, but feeling you couldn't take one. "If you don't want to say anything either, that's okay, just know that the offer is there."

The proposition arrives as unexpectedly as the events that had unfolded a few days prior, and for a moment Dan Heng inspects his friend's visage in search of clues as to whether this is reality or a segment of his innumerable dreams and nightmares. It's been getting harder lately, to tell between the two. ❛ I-... thank you, Arlan. ❜ Yet gratitude is where the line is drawn between the self and the other. Appreciative as he might be, the thoughts swirling inside his head are naught but vortexes and incoherent jumbles, enough to fervently occupy his mind from dawn til dusk, but not nearly important enough for the vidyadhara to bother another with, much less someone completely unrelated to his ill-starred circumstances. This kind gesture is enough.

❛ But, it's alright. Our last expedition was simply... rougher than I'd expected it to be. Over as it is now, I would rather not spend any more time dwelling on it if I can help it. ❜ Not a lie, nor an omission of truths. If anything, Dan Heng's truest sentiments have been compiled into the given reply. However, whether he has actually made the efforts of erasing those concerns out of his mind is an entirely different matter. Nonetheless, his gaze softens when he steers the conversation elsewhere, and the curiosity behind his words becomes as clear as the issues that have brought on this discussion. ❛ So, if you could talk about how things have been on the Space Station instead... I would appreciate it. ❜

[children-ofthe-wind]

I want to live

I've found that, through the depths of my anxiety and depression, one sentence that has been running through my mind ever since I had my first breakdown in Japan.

I want to live.

I came to realize this was on a deeper level. Not just the fact that I meant I want to be alive, kicking and breathing.

No, it's much deeper.

I want to truly live. Not just be alive and walking and just going about my life mindlessly. Not bothering to think deeper or know my heart's truest desires.

The truth is, I want it all.

I want the whole spectrum of what it means to be human. Laughter, tears, anger, fear.

I want to truly live and I want to ask myself at the end of each day, "Did I truly live today?"

Did I truly express myself the way I wanted to, today?

Did my heart sing and laugh? Did it cry and try to tear out of my chest?

Am I truly living today? Did I do what felt good to me today?

I came to know that I truly know nothing. But, isn't that freeing, in a way?

To be so open and curious to the world, I don't have to defend my beliefs or myself, because I can be so open and receptive to what people have to say and just take what I need, what feels good in that moment?

Because I can never truly know myself. Why is that? I'm constantly changing. How can I 100% know what something truly is, if it's constantly changing, shifting into something different, molding into something else? My desires and wants might change daily. And that's okay.

Most of my life was a rigid board. Everything was black and white. It was known and unknown. There was no room for ambiguity, and this is how I lived my life. In such a strict manner.

But now, it feels like my life is more like water in a clear glass cup. It'll mold and shape into the shape of the cup. There is room for the unknown, this is the grey zone. This is where life takes place and unfolds, comes back together again.

So, when I say I want to live.

I mean, I want to feel the call and the pull in whatever direction the wind takes me. Whatever my heart truly desires in that moment, I want to capture the feeling and fly with it. I don't want the if's, ands, or overthinking that comes with it.

I want to tune into myself and find answers within, not without me.

There is no right or wrong. There is only the steps I take forward in my life.

[theuniverseawakens347]

Oops..not 3 turned 1 🫢 multiplied INSIDE by 8 leading back to 1 …at Obama you got documentation of my mothers ultrasounds 😌 I really ATE MY TWINS LIKE I SAID LEE GARLINGTON.

ADONDI.

Taneisha.

Cashay.

Cashay = SECRET TREASURE. MEANING YAL NOT KILLING ME THIS TIME FOR EVER AND ETERNITY YOU BELONG TO ME.

I AM SOURCE ENERGY. GOD. YAHWEH. GHANDI. WHATEVER TF YOU WANA CALL ME. BUT I AM THE BIG BIIG BIIIIIIG ONE. ☝🏾 AND ONLY. ..AND ILL KEEP MULTIPLYING WHEN NEED BE.

Lee YOU ARE REAL LYFE PSYCHO CAUSE YOU KNOW THIS. AND LEAD PEOPLE LIKE AJA ( who willingly chooses wrong LIKE I SAID) MORGAN AND CAMERON ( questioning their belief but knowing what I know ..we don’t want THEM ON CREATION PLANE OF EARTH ANYMORE = CONTAMINATION OF WHAT IS SUPPOSE TO BE PEACE LOVE HAPPINESS AND CREATION!)

YOU HAVE PEOPLE OUT HERE LIKE JAYZ FATHER TO BEYONCE BUT TINA KNOWLES CARRIED AND HIM NOW HAVING KIDS W HER…YOURE MICH OLDER THAN YOU SAY ( at HELLA FACELIFTS X 6) HOWARD IS YOUR 🥚 #stemcells …WEIRD MAD “SCIENTIST” LIKE YOU LEAD THE ENTIRE WORLD INTO INCEST WHETHER IT BE NATURAL BIRTHING OR JUST STRAIGHT UP IVF OF ANOTHER FAMILY MEMBER EGG ALL BC YOUR ORIGINAL FAMILY TRIBE WAS ON SOME “SATANIC” LETS FUCK CUTE / FIT FAMILY AND SEE WHAT “Gems” WE GET TO PROLONG [your] FAMILY LINE…. GIRL ALL GO BYE BYE EXCEPT THOSE WHO WRONGFULLY GOT ROPED INTO THIS AT THERESE BUT SHE STILL HAS SIN ON HER HANDS …

GIRL LIKE ARE YOU OKAY?? WHAT MAKES YOU WANA…JUST READING YOUR MIND YOU REALLY ARE SELFISH AND HAVE NO REGARD FOR ANYONES INTEREST BUT YOUR OWN UNLESS SOMEONE LITERALLY LINES UP WITH YOUR WEIRDNESS. AT TIM HYDE CHILD PORNOGRAPHY ETCETERA…YOU HAVE CHILDREN OUT HERE HAVING KIDS AND WANTED TO SEE “WHATS THE YOUNGEST AGE A CHILD CAN HAVE A CHILD”

AT COI CAME OUT A 4 YEAR OLD VAGINA. YAL RRALLY PLAYED WITH MY BODY. BITCH IM BOUT TO OLAY WITH YOUR MENTAL WHILE CASTING YOU AWAY. BECAUSE THAT IS JUST HORRIBLE AND HORRIFIC..GOT MY MOM HAVING KIDS SINCE A YOUNG AGE MY WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY. .. WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS AND YOU KNOW THAT. YOUR FAMILY LEAD PPL FUCKING LIES AND ONLY TOLD THE DEMONIC 1/% THE TRUTH OF OUR BEINGS.

Girl , im so over and sick of you. I LITERALLY AGAIN, leave you to my family.

That’s cashay.. the peaceful one,

But your ass so fucking stupid bitch …YOU FORGET ABOUT ADONI AND TANEISHA.

ADONDI really on some FUCK YOU UP BEAT

And TANEISHA ON SOME LETS KEEP IT LEGAL ..

IM ALL 3. MY BIG 3 IS ME. IM THE GOVERNMENT AND THE UNIVERSE ALL IN ONE. THE BIG BIIG BIIIIIIIIG ONE FROM THE SKY.

My mental AND my body AND MY FAMILY YOU PLAYED WITH.

TAKING EGGS FROM ME ..PUTTING THEM IN LAYWAY AS PAYMENT FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO CARRY A CHIKD WITH AT BEYONCE. .. who ALSO COMES FROM MY SEED.

LIKE you KNOW DAMN WELL THIS IS NOT THE FIRST LIFETIME OF US DOING THIS SHIT. THE BIBLE IS VERY VERY VERY REAL.

AND YOURE GETTING OFF MY PLANET OF CREATION AND GOING TO MY TRUEST PLANET OF FUCKING HELL AND ALL YOUR NASTY RIDDLED WITH INCEST AND VIOLENCE ON THE INNOCENT “ADOPTED CHILDREN” WILL BE GOING WITH YOU.

[amtopmthoughts]

They say you should write about what you know and so I did. I wrote about myself. About me and my life, my fears, my heartbreaks and all the steps I’ve taken to being my truest, most honest self thus far. I’m the subject I know best, I’m the subject I love most.

This book was born out of all the necessities I needed to suppress. My excruciating need to find who I am and what I’m doing here. The haunting need to understand, myself, those around me and the world. The waking need to love myself authentically, fiercely, unapologetically and whole heartedly. The need to feel less alone, to relate, to resonate.

I know I’ll keeping learning who I am. I know that even when I think I know who I am, I’ll keep finding out new things. We’re ever evolving creatures, constantly changing, always shedding old skin. 

I always knew I wanted to write but for some reason I always leaned towards telling stories about fictional characters. Mostly because I often found myself living in fantasy worlds where everything was exactly as I imagined. It has been a journey trying to find the balance between what is and what I wanted it to be, accepting that almost anything happens the way we planned but that we should never give up on trying to shape our life into what we envision for ourselves. I try to create the reality I want to live in. I curate my life meticulously. This required me to let go of some of the visions I had to make way for new, better ones, to let go of some fantasies to embrace other realities. I had to let go of what it was supposed to be to be able to embrace what the truth actually was. Something I struggled with for a long, long time. I kept fighting change, non-happy endings, the break-ups, the friendships that didn’t last, anything that wasn’t ideal, perfect or that didn’t fit into the plan that I had. Without ever realizing that there is no fighting any of it, it will happen, and trying to avoid it, trying to resist it, will only bring us more hurt. But it also required me to fight really hard for what I believed in and for what I wanted for myself, even when everyone kept trying to tell me that didn’t happen, that that was a fantasy. I heard countless times things like You’ll never find someone like that. You watch too many movies. The wedding of your dreams will never happen. You live in a world of fantasy. You must think everything is that easy. You can’t have it all, it’s not possible.

I’m twenty-three years old. I haven’t got married yet, I haven’t met that person yet, either. Maybe I won’t get married, and if I do, maybe it won’t be at all like I’ve always imagined. Maybe I’ll never meet that person. Maybe I won’t get to live the life I envision for myself. I don’t know. I don’t know what the future holds for me. But I do know one thing: this fantasy, this imagination, it’s what has kept me alive until now. It’s the hope that everything will fall into place, that everything will work out, that everything will be okay. The hope that things will happen is what makes me want to be alive, to be here to live them when they happen.

So, in this book, I tell stories, but not stories about people who only exist in my head. I tell stories about me and the most real people and things I know. This book is me, whole-heartedly me. I laid myself bare naked on these pages. I confessed to things I had never even said out loud before and it freed me, it made me more human. Being so vulnerable never made me feel so strong. Hope you can relate in some way, maybe resonate with some of the things you’ll read. If you do, know that you’re not alone. Ever. 

I hope you love it.

              Afraid of the Dark and Closed Doors

 I was an only child – up until I was 9 years old. Another story for another time. – so I spent a lot of time by myself. I wasn’t the most adventurous kid so I didn’t spend much time outside and I didn’t really have any friends outside of school that I could play with. I spent my days either playing house or with Barbies or watching Disney or Barbie movies alone in my room. I never closed the door. My house wasn’t that big but we had a big hallway and my bedroom was on one end of the house and the kitchen and living room was on the other end, which is where my mom always was. So we were always a bit far away from each other. Even though I wasn’t alone at home, most times it felt like it, most times I couldn’t even hear her unless she was on the phone. I was never big on silence. Every time there was silence and I felt alone in that silence, I felt vulnerable and subjected to anything that could come and hurt me.

Now, I realize most people, when they feel threatened by something, they feel the need to isolate, to keep the danger away, to keep the danger on the other side of the door. So the danger can’t get to them and hurt them. So they be protected. But I felt the exact opposite. If I was isolated, behind a close door, I didn’t feel that would keep the danger away from me, I felt like I would just be alone with the danger. Like the danger could walk right through my bedroom door, like the door wasn’t going to stop the danger from getting to me. If anything, it would only make me a better target because I was there alone in my bedroom and since the door was closed that made it all the more difficult for anyone standing on the other side of the door to come and save me.

I don’t know where this stems from. I don’t know why I’ve always had this fear. Now that I’m bigger, I’m not that afraid of it. I can be in a room with the door closed, I can even sleep with the door closed. If that makes me uncomfortable me or not, it all depends if I’m feeling more or less vulnerable. If I’m doing alright, I won’t give it much thought, but if I’m going through a hard time, I’ll just won’t be able to.

I’m a twenty-three-year-old girl (woman?) and I’m afraid of the dark. The only time I can be in the dark is when I wake up in the middle of the night to go the bathroom and make my way to it when no lights are on, and my house is never too dark because the blinds are always open. When the power goes out I kind of freak out a little. Up until a year ago, maybe, I slept with my bedroom blinds completely open. I don’t know if I feel better now since I’m able to sleep with the blinds closed but, again, it all depends, on how I’m feeling. Some days I’ll sleep safe and soundly and on some days I’ll either open the blinds a little or I’ll get up and turn the light on the living room on so it illuminates my bedroom a little.

A boyfriend I had once hid from me while the house was completely silent and dark so he could scare me. It was a harmless prank that made me very anxious. Being in the dark, no noise to be heard of, knowing someone was out there somewhere, but that I didn’t know where, ready to come out of the dark and just scream at me, I can’t even begin to describe how unsettled I felt. And it happens every time someone does that to me. Again, I don’t know where this stems from or if it can be resolved but maybe some day I’ll get there.

                    Boxes

              My parents separated when I was about six years old. Since then, I’ve spent the weekends with my grandma – with whom my dad had come to live with when my mom packed his things and dropped them at my grandma’s house where he lived before moving in with her and where he still lives at to this day. My dad wasn’t nor isn’t the most warming person and so I guess he didn’t really know what to do with a kid my age, especially a girl. So, at home, I only spent time with my grandma while he was in his room watching tv.

            My grandma’s house only had two room’s, hers and my dad’s and because I was only there on weekends and only slept there two to three nights a week, they never got me a bed. I slept on a small, slim mattress on my dad’s bedroom floor. I woke up early, as I believe all kids do on weekends, to watch cartoons. I never quite understood that phenomenon: how all kids have such a hard time waking up for school but wake up so willingly and gladly early on weekends to watch cartoons. I guess it’s because they’re doing something for fun, something just for them, because isn’t always fun, right?

            I would have breakfast at the dining room table. My grandma was poor. She didn’t live with any luxuries so she didn’t have a couch. So we never called it living room even though we used the space as it were and always call it dining room, because it didn’t have a couch, only a table and chairs and we always watched TV sitting on those chairs, with our arms on the table. Maybe the back pain I have today is because of all the countless hours I spent watching TV on those not so comfortable dining chairs.

            I would come to the kitchen every now and then to check on my grandma while she made lunch. She more often than not made three different lunches. One for me, one for my dad, one for her. My grandma is from Alentejo so she would always make something typical from there for her, something very specific for my dad – because he is very demanding, and something specific for me too because she always cooked my favorite meals – and because I guess I’m demanding, too. 

            Right before lunch my dad would emerge from his bedroom and join us. He would take a seat at the table and nag me about my table manners and repeatedly threaten to turn off the TV because I would often interrupt my eating to pay attention to the TV. I never really liked eating. When I was younger, my mom had to leave the kitchen and go into another room to leave me alone because I wouldn’t shut up and so I would take hours to finish my dinner.

            After lunch he’d get ready for us to go to the cinema. This was our thing, or one of the two things we did together – that and going to the park on Sunday. Movies on Saturday and going to the park on Sunday.

            I loved going to the movies. It was where I mostly learned how to speak and write in English. Because I learned to speak, read and write so fast in my own language, I could go see plus twelve years old movies and read and keep up with the subtitles from a very young age.

            In these movies there were these characters who lived inside these worlds who inspired me. Every time I came out of the theatre room, I’d come out a different person. I’d absorb the character I’d like most and make all efforts to turn into them. I’d try and talk like the character, speak and behave like the character, I would try to be the character. The thing would me is, ever since I was a little girl, I’ve tried to be everything and anything, anyone, any character, but myself. I lived desperately to define me, to define who I was. The thing about the characters was that they were wholesome. They had this “style” and everything about them revolved around that same style: the way they dressed, the music they listened to, the people they surrounded themselves with, they were all in consonance. So I wanted to be one of those characters, I wanted to be wholesome, I wanted to be “a thing”. I wanted to have a personal, specific style, I wanted to listen to a specific type of music, and read certain genres of books and watch certain genres of movies. I wanted to fit inside of a box. I wanted to figure myself out completely. I wanted to understand me. I wanted to understand who I was. It was easier to know who I was if I was just one thing, if all that I was, all that I did and said was related, all part of the same scheme. 

            But somehow, I could never do it. I fought it for years. I have been fighting it for years. For example, I listen to a lot of types of music. My playlist has everything from the Hannah Montana soundtrack to classics of the eighties to some of the latest Top 40 hits. But this was against the whole “fitting into a box” thing. So, one day, I deleted basically all of my playlist. I thought “The type of person I want to be doesn’t listen to this. The type of person I want to be listens to this specifically.”. But this strategy didn’t work, because it didn’t make me happy. Because I couldn’t listen to the music I wanted.

            I understood over time I couldn’t actually fit me inside a box, because there’s more than four sides to me. I can be anything and everything. I’m a walking paradox. I like to listen to AC/DC and 2000s R&B and I realize this is so cool. I love being this way, but I also hate being this way. I love that I can’t fit myself into a box, but I also hate that I can’t fit myself into a box. It’s very hard for me to accept it. Maybe because I’m still struggling with finding who I am and it’s hard for me to not know who I am even if I know that there is normal. Maybe I’ll never know exactly who I am. Maybe I’ll be constantly learning who I am, maybe I’ll live my life learning things about myself. And even though I know it’s okay and I can’t really be okay with it and I don’t know really know why, but I hope I’ll at least figure that one out, if anything less.

                Dead Weight

 I’ve had problems with my weight all my life. And even though I it didn’t become a serious issue up until a few years ago, I distinctively remember being ten and noticing the stomach rolls I already had at that age. I was never thin but I don’t think I was ever fat, either. I hate these adjectives and I hate that being considered “fat” has such a negative connotation. I hate that being called “fat” is an offense whilst being called “thin” is a compliment. You usually tell someone they’re thin as something good like “good on you that you’re so thin, that must mean you feel so good about yourself, that you’re working on yourself”. Being fat must mean you hate yourself. How could you let yourself go like this? How could you not eat and exercise properly? Do you hate your body so much that you don’t even take care of it? Eating all that garbage food that’s bad for you and ruins and your insides – and outside – and then sitting in your couch all day watching Netflix. You must hate yourself or else you wouldn’t do all those things, you wouldn’t self-destruct like that.

            It isn’t exactly like that. Yes, maybe you haven’t been liking yourself very much. Maybe you haven’t been liking what you see when you see yourself reflected in the mirror. The thing is: loving yourself is not self-destructing but is not exhausting yourself to look thin, either. The most important thing is that you feel comfortable with yourself, is that you feel good inside your body, inside your skin. You have to love yourself. Every minute of every day. You have to love yourself even when you don’t like yourself very much. You have to love yourself through the whole process, at your worst, while you’re trying to be better, to get better, and after you’ve achieved the goals you set for yourself.

            But we, as humans, go through things. Life happens and sometimes we get sad. So sad that we can’t leave the couch and that our mind – our own self – is so far away from our body that all we can handle is a show on Netflix or a movie we’ve watched a thousand times that we don’t have to be present for, that we don’t have to pay attention to. We stay absent-minded.

            Sometimes, we are so deep in our hurting that we can’t manage to get out of it. We just can’t help but self-sabotage and become even worse. If you’re anything like me, the worse you feel, the worst decisions you’ll make and you can’t really bring yourself to do what’s best for you, which only makes you feel even worse than you already felt. But, as I’ve learned recently, you can never abandon yourself. You have to keep going, you have to keep moving. You can’t give up. If you’re struggling with your weight – or anything really – it’s okay if one day you’re sipping down pineapple and spinach juice and eating healthy and going out for walks or even exercising and the next day you’re feeling like shit, like you can’t even lift a finger, let alone get yourself to clean up your house, or study, or go to work – or anything at all. Healing is not linear. It’s not a straight, continuous line. You can be good one day and bad another day. What matters is you don’t give up on yourself. What matters is you try. 

The problem is not your weight – the weight gain is a consequence. The problem is our insecurities, the things that struck us and takes by storm. The things that leave us vulnerable and exposed, feeling the worst version of ourselves. Sometimes, if they hit just the right spot, especially if the insecurity is already there, they can make you rethink everything and make you doubt yourself and ultimately feel like shit. Because it’s not the weight that sucks all the life out of your body. It’s not the weight that makes you feel powerless, hopeless and out of control of your own body – and your own mind. The problem is your mind playing tricks on you. The problem is you’re sick. When you heal your mind, everything else heals, everything else falls into place.

When I say I’ve always had problems with my weight but not until recently it has become a problem, I mean that even though I noticed my weight and my body form and those of other girls, it didn’t pose a problem or a threat. The thing is, it wasn’t until I was about ten years old that I started to feel that social pressure to look a certain way. Which is crazy to think: a ten-year-old girl comparing herself to other ten-year-old girls. Before ten we don’t care about those things, about impressing. But suddenly we’re ten and we start wanting to impress boys in recess.

As I grew up and my body grew with me, my body kept in the same registry – not thin but not fat either. As a teenager I was considered hot by some people’s standards and caught the attention of some guys. I wouldn’t be honest if I said that that didn’t make me feel good about myself – the compliments, being wanted… desired.

Recently I heard about something called “Brain Reward System” and even though I don’t know how to explain it very well, basically it means that by rewarding yourself with something, even if you don’t have any particular reason to, we’re activating hormones (I think) that makes us feel good and happy.

On what it started to be my lowest point until now, I felt miserable and eating whatever I wanted and comforted me, somehow, was like a reward to me, even though it only made feel worse. The worse I felt, the more it happened, I fell into this cycle. The sadder I felt the more I permitted myself to eat pizza or hot dogs or hamburgers and then the more I felt bad about myself for eating all that and for worsening my state of being. It was like eating what I wanted was a relief from everything else. I felt sad so I let myself eat what I wanted so I could feel better. I felt accommodated but I didn’t feel better. I felt worse. Every. Damn. Time. Physically and emotionally.

This, along with my chronic laziness, was the recipe for (my) disaster. I’ve never liked exercising. As a kid, my parents tried to get me into sports and I did try some – ballet, swimming, gymnastics, acrobatic gymnastics, some dance class thing. I wasn’t keen on any of them and eventually gave up on every one of them, one by one. I even did a yoga class once. I think I have attention deficit so you can imagine how hard it was for me to sit in silence – as I’ve mentioned before, I’m not very fond of silence – not being able to talk nor make any sound or move... I could only move into a position the instructor… instructed when the instructor instructed. I just had to breathe. Be still, be quiet, and breathe. It was hell. Actually, I think I would really like it now, but back then, it was simply hell, all sixty minutes (or however much time it was) of it.

            I even joined a gym when I was sixteen or seventeen, encouraged by a then friend who wanted me to join with her but it didn’t last long. A few months after I joined another gym with another friend who was even lazier than I was. But that time didn’t last either. I didn’t – and I don’t – have something that is essential to be able to take on that kind of commitment – discipline. Something I desperately need to work on… a lot. Isn’t that the whole exercise thing? Consistency? Well, the only thing that has been consistent in my life has been, well, inconsistency… and instability. Go figure.

            The years that followed were filled with (empty) promises of one day returning. Meanwhile, life happened, as life does. My sedentary lifestyle and other things didn’t help my case. Fast forward to the year of 2020 and we’re living a global pandemic. Covid-19. Most of us were sent home and the only job they gave us was: stay home. (even though I went out a few times). I didn’t become desperate as I saw most of the people I know become, forced to stay home. It didn’t bother me to have to stay home. To say the truth, I didn’t like my job, I wasn’t studying at the time and had very few things to look forward to. To put it simply, I didn’t like my life very much and didn’t have much to miss from my “normal”, “covid-less” life, so I was looking forward to staying at home and doing all the things I already did, like watching movies and bingeing TV shows.

            Of course, being aware of the weight I had gained in the last couple of years, one of the first thoughts I had about being forced to stay home was, “now you’ll have plenty of time to exercise”. Some influencer from my country started doing Instagram lives doing sixteen-minute exercises with her Personal Trainor boyfriend. It felt like someone was indirectly calling me out. So I headed the call. I got up and started moving. I quickly outgrew them, sixteen minutes felt like it wasn’t much and wouldn’t do much. I was excited, ready and hungry for more. I started doing Pamela Reif and Chloe Ting’s – two other names for Devil – training programs. Everything was going great until… something happened. I found that my boyfriend had cheated on me. At first, the anger I felt served as a boost of energy. I felt empowered, all that “revenge body” stuff and whatever. But when reality sunk in, things changed. The anger turned into sadness and that demotivated me. I went back to the couch quicker than you can say “Ahhh!”. I pretty much felt like shit. And when I feel like shit, when I feel sad, I sink into my sadness. I drown in my own tears, in my own thoughts, in my own feelings, in my own sadness.

            Long story short, I stopped. And that was when all that “Brain Reward System” stuff came in to play. I had highs and lows. I’ve felt like shit most of the time. I can’t count all the times I heard a relative or a friend say something like “It wouldn’t hurt you to lose some weight, you know?” and I would put on a happy face and made a joke about it so it wouldn’t feel like it made me uncomfortable. Isn’t it amazing (or awful) how we do anything to try and accommodate those who make us uncomfortable or make us feel bad about ourselves? I knew I should have said something like “How about you mind your own damn business?” or something along the lines of “Do I happen to eat at your house?”. But I could never do that, I could never be rude to them like they were to me, even if that’s what they deserved, because if they don’t want rudeness as a response, they shouldn’t be rude in the first place.

            If you ask me, I’m a firm believer in simply not commenting on people’s bodies. It’s not your place to. People have mirrors, people know what look like. People know their habits, people know how they feel. 

            I think I could never go through with anything because I always had the wrong reasons: I was doing it for the others. For the approval of others. So I could go to the beach with my friends and get “she’s really hot looks” instead of  “wow, she got really fat” looks. I can’t count all the times I wondered if whether I should go and felt miserable the minute I got there. I can’t count how many times I sucked my stomach in for photos or tried to hide my fat arms or tried to find the perfect angle so my double chin wouldn’t make an unwanted appearance. All so I wouldn’t be judged by those who watched my Instagram stories. All the times I switched outfits countless times trying to find the perfect outfit – meaning, the outfit that didn’t make me look (so) fat – and stood in the mirror hating myself. All the times I cried because my size 34 jeans didn’t fit me anymore.

            Recently, I went back to exercising. All of a sudden, I just got up, turned YouTube on my TV, searched for a HIIT exercise with a Broadway musical choreography – because if I have to exercise, at least let me have a little fun while doing it. When I was done, I put on a Claudia Sulewski’s video – one of my favorite Youtubers, one of the few I still look out for – where she’s stretching and kind of meditating and breathing at the same time.

            So I’m there, sitting on my living room floor, in front of the TV, crossed legged with my hands sitting on each of my thighs. I closed my eyes and I start crying. Compulsively crying. I felt so full of emotions, so happy for having moved my body for twenty minutes. I really had done it. I had done it.

               It’s been a while since I’ve written those words. I haven’t exercised since the day after the one I was writing about. I’ve fallen from that two-day wagon. But I’ll get back on it, eventually, I know it. I’ll gather the courage to do it. I’ll be better enough to make it. When I do, maybe I’ll fall off the wagon again, maybe after two days, maybe after two weeks. Maybe I’ll be back on it a few days later, perhaps it will be a few weeks later. I hope one day I’ll be able to do it consistently. Until then, I’ll keep trying.

                         Boys and Houses

 Yesterday I went to my old house. I didn't come in, of course. We parked the car on the beginning of the street and got out of the car and started walking the street's houses pathway. We walked by my neighbors’ house but didn't see them. The blinds were drawn/closed.

The now owners of my old house were home. Their car was parked outside and there were flip flops outside at the door. Everything was exactly the same and very different at the same time. Now, there's a big dog on the patio instead of my small cat. The pool area is filled with some plants and flowers my mom had planted when we lived there that were now grown and some the new owners planted. The garage we turned into a guest room was turned into a garage again. The entrance doors were changed to newer, more modern ones. The house had been painted. It felt weird and peaceful to look at the same horizon view. I felt like in some weird way that was still my house, even though I didn't live there but instead strange people I've never seen. I think I would go back if I could, I think I would like to live there again. When I left, I was happy to, I enjoyed the house but I've never loved living there. We had moved against my will. I didn't want to leave my former home where I had lived for almost twenty years. My whole life. I didn't want to leave the house where I had birthday parties and dinners with friends and sleepovers and fights with my ex-boyfriend. Where I had shared so many kisses, even my first time. That bedroom heard me cry myself to sleep every night for weeks when my boyfriend broke with me. That house welcomed other boys I had brought there after that in an attempt to fill the void the house was left with after he left and welcomed friends who turned to not friends. That house watched me grow and was with me through all my changes and phases.

So I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to be an hour away from my friends. I resented living in that house. I resented being so isolated and alone and living in an area I didn't know anyone let alone have any friends. I resented having to take a fifteen-minute car ride to take a forty-minute-long bus ride to then have to take the subway and other buses and or trains to take me where I wanted to go. I resented that whenever I had a party or birthday dinner I had to stay at other people's homes because I couldn't catch a bus at four or five am in the morning because there was none and because I wouldn’t be able to get from the terminal to my house either way. I resented that I had to bring everything everywhere with me because I needed my things with me if I was going to stay the night. I resented the whole thing, the whole time. Because of other reasons, in two thousand and nineteen, I moved to England. For a month (I intended to stay longer but more on that on some other time). And my mom told me she was going to sell the house while I was still there. She got divorced and was left alone there now that I was living in another country. She didn't want to live there alone, so far away from everything. Supermarkets, pharmacies, hospitals, you name it. So she wanted to leave even though she didn't really want to go. She loved it there. She had to leave. But I was happy. I was finally going to be in the city again, among people again and close to my friends again. That was one of the reasons I wanted to leave England even more.

I was excited. I started planning the decoration from afar. Being who I am, I elaborated a PowerPoint presentation with furniture options, from cheaper to more expensive to help my mother choose. I thought about how my room was going to be.

Fast forward a few months after and I'm closer to my friends. In fact, I had never lived closer to most of my friends, I've even become neighbors with one of my best friends. But it surprised me to realize that didn't change anything. I didn't see my friends more now that I was closer to them, in fact I was seeing them less because the truth is I had never felt more alone or isolated or alienated from people.

I began missing it. The house, the place. I began wondering if I was starting to regret the move. Or the fact that I let my mom move. I'm still wondering if I regret it to this day.

Today, I drove by my old, old house. The one I lived in before my last one. I don't really have any particular feelings towards it anymore. I feel okay, I feel normal. I've made my peace with the fact that I left a long time ago. I've had closure. I no longer miss it or feel sad thinking about all the memories I had from my years living in that house. Every time I drive by that building I smile and think "oh, that's my house" and that is it.

I've come to think that what I feel about those two houses is a lot similar to what I feel about my ex-boyfriends. My first boyfriend, my ex, ex-boyfriend, is my first house, my ex-ex house. I still acknowledge him every time he drives by because he's the one with a car and I'm the one who always walks. I still smile. I still remember all the moments which have turned into memories. I still even feel kind of giddy. But I feel okay, I feel normal. I don't feel sad or hurt. I've also made my peace with our relationship and how it ended. I no longer miss him. I just think "oh, that's him" and that is it. My second boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend, is my old house, my last house, the last one I abandoned. I still feel sad and hurt. I still feel regret. I haven't had any closure and I feel no peace regarding him or anything related to him.

I realize this is a good analogy. I'm not hurting because I liked my second house better, even though I think I did. It's because I still haven't processed it all. I loved my first house but in time, it took its place, just like I loved my first boyfriend but he also took his place in my life and my heart. A different, more settling place. And once I've processed my ex-boyfriend, I'll feel like that, too. At peace, settled. And with the house, too.

             I Have a Sister

 On a Sunday morning of November two thousand and nine I woke up in grandma’s house where she lived with my dad. I woke up in the middle of the night, took a look at my dad’s bed and saw that he wasn’t there. I wasn’t surprised, my dad always went out on weekend nights and he always came home late. I woke up later in the morning and then I was surprised to see he hadn’t come home. I went to say good morning to my grandma and ask for my dad and she told me he had stayed at my mom’s place. “Weird”, I thought. Could this mean they actually had spent the night together? Could this mean they were getting back together? I didn’t really suffer with my parent’s separation – from what I can remember, at least – but the thought of them getting back together made me sort of happy, hopeful. Who wouldn’t want their parents together? Who wouldn’t want their parents to date each other instead of other people? All the messiness would be over. We would finally be a family, a unity. We would all live in the same house. I liked the idea.

A few hours later they both came to pick me up. Together. At the time, my mom already had her own beauty salon but she still worked independently in various beauty salons, so she would travel to those places every now and then, especially on weekends. I remember my mom’s car being at the shop so my dad was taking her to these places on that weekend. We went together. As soon as I got to the car, they were silent. There was tension in the air. My fantasy was immediately destroyed. There was no way they were back together. Happy people who just got back together don’t look like that.

After my mom was done with her work my dad drove us home. I felt even more weird when he didn’t just drop us off, he came with us. The whole thing, the whole day was weird. Something didn’t add up. Something was happening.

From what I can recall, they closed the kitchen door and stood there, talking. I went to my room. I didn’t pay too much attention to it and I didn’t even try to hear their conversations. They’re the adults, whatever it’s going on, they’ll figure it out.

A few hours later, my dad emerged from the kitchen and called out to me from the foyer. I came to him and he said goodbye to me. He left. A few moments later, my mom went to take a shower. She always had the bathroom door open and I always had my bedroom door open and the bathroom was very close to my bedroom so when she started crying, I heard her immediately.

My mom never tried to shield me from her feelings. My mom never tried to shield me from anything. I always knew how she was feeling, good or bad, which made me feel like I always needed to accommodate her and her feelings, so she could feel. Actually, I had no other choice. This led me to keep most of my feelings to myself. I felt like there was no space for me or my feelings, only for her and hers. There was no space for the both of us to completely be ourselves, share our feelings and just completely get loose and freak out. I had to refrain myself from sharing what I felt because she took all the space and energy for herself, there was none left for me. I had to let her have her moment. Whenever we’re in the car driving somewhere and the GPS we’ll send us somewhere different than what is supposed to, she’ll freak out, she’ll completely lose it. She becomes desperate. She doesn’t like to drive to places she doesn’t know, she doesn’t like to get lost and she has very low tolerance for things that slip under her control. She can’t keep herself together. She can’t calm herself. She cries. She screams. She loses control. She’s desperate. That’s what she did that afternoon. She cried. She screamed. She lost control. She was desperate.

            I stood at the bathroom door and looked at her standing, sobbing in the bathtub, holding the shower head. I asked her “What happened?”. She said “Your dad has another daughter. She’s two.” I was in shock. I didn’t know what to say. I was ten. I was flooded with questions: What? What do you mean? What do you mean my dad has another child? And she’s two? How am I only hearing about this know? Why didn’t he told us he was having a baby? He tells us now??? Two years later??? Nothing about this made any sense to me. It was all too messed up to understand, even for my little ten-year-old brain, because clearly even my thirty-two-year-old mother was having a hard time with all of this.

            I can’t quite remember what she said to me next. I think she explained me what she knew, what my dad had told her the night before. That’s why my dad never came home, he was at my mom’s house for some reason and I guess he thought she was in a good mood so he felt like it was a good time to tell her and he slept there because I guess she was too upset to be alone. And that’s why they were silent and weird in the car and the whole afternoon. That made sense now. She told my aunt, her sister, and her husband and we all went to have dinner together. My mom was very shaken up. She was so sad, so upset. Seeing her react like that to such news highly influenced, it shaped and defined how I saw, perceived and treated the situation from the first moment I knew about it. My aunt and respective husband kept saying how good it was that I had a sister and that I had to meet her. It was my obligation. She was my sister.

            It was weekend again and my dad came to pick me up like he did every Friday night. We almost didn’t talk the whole ride to my grandma’s house. When we arrived, he parked the car but it was clear to me that I wasn’t supposed to leave the car yet. He paused and we were in silence for a few seconds. I felt terribly nervous and anxious and I just wanted to ignore the obvious, I just wanted to pretend nothing had happened, that nothing was happening. I wanted to avoid the conversation that we were about to have. I wanted to avoid what I thought or felt about the situation. He said to me “I know you already know” and I said “Yes.”. I can’t remember the conversation in detail, but I remember him telling me it wasn’t supposed to happen like that. He told me they had reached a conclusion together after my mom knew the truth: Let’s wait for the school to finish so this doesn’t affect Beatriz’s grades. Then, we’ll tell her together. And then, if she agrees to it and feels good about it, we’ll arrange a meeting and we’ll introduce he two of them in some neutral place to both of them so them can both feel safe. “But your mother ruined it.”, he said. 

He was right. My mom did ruin it. My mom was utterly selfish. My mom was overcome with emotion, with frustration and anger and she didn’t shield me from any of it. She passed it on to me. I don’t have children, I am not a mother, so I don’t really know what I’m talking about, but I really do believe that being a parent means putting your children first. It doesn’t mean you stop caring for yourself completely, but it does mean that you have to set whatever feelings you’re having aside for their own good, for their safety, for their well-being. It means that if you have to swallow your feelings to protect, that’s what you do. I’m not trying by any means to say parents should be miserable so their kids can be happy, what I’m saying is the exact opposite. I was miserable because my mom was miserable. I was sad because I saw and felt her sadness. If she had been happy about the situation, I would have been radiant… knowing that I had a sister. But she took that away from me. She handled the situation poorly. She didn’t take a moment to collect herself, to check herself, to dive into her feelings. She didn’t take a moment to think “I can’t pass the feelings I’m having on to her. I can’t say anything while I still have so much anger towards the situation. We have a plan. I’ll stick to the plan. I’ll suffer in silence, for now, until it is the right time for her to know.” She did the exact opposite. She hijacked the plan. She got ahead of herself and the plan because what she was feeling was hurting her so much that she couldn’t keep it to herself, she had to share the load with me, her ten-year-old child, because it was too heavy for her to carry alone.

My dad asked me if I still wanted to meet his other daughter – my sister – and I said yes even though I wasn’t totally sure I did. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to meet her, of course, it was just that I didn’t all the hurt and messiness that came with that. I wanted to avoid it all costs.

All this happened somewhere between September and November of two thousand and nine. I was in fifth grade. A few weeks later, my dad asked me if I wanted to go to her birthday party. She was turning two. In November. November twentieth. My birthday is on January twentieth. I said yes, once again without knowing if I actually wanted to go. He said he would be so happy if I went. It would make him very happy if I did – My mom is not the only one who knows how to manipulate her child – so I did. I could never say no to him. I could never disappoint him. I could never break his heart. I could never say no, disappoint or break anyone’s heart, actually. Even if that meant saying no to or disappoint myself or break my own heart.

He also told me we weren’t going to tell my mom, not until after we went to the party. He said that if we told her before, she was going to be very upset and that she wouldn’t want us to go (or that she wouldn’t let us go, I’m not sure). We didn’t want to upset but we also wanted to go so we would her we had gone to the party after we had gone to the party. This, he told me, would avoid all problems and messiness. I knew she would in fact be upset and that she wouldn’t want me to go but my dad said we would go, so we went. Without my mother knowing. 

It didn’t feel right. Any of it. I was so nervous, so anxious. I was just trying to get through it and survive. We were in the car on our way there and Eternal Flame by The Bangles was playing on the radio. It would never be the same listening to that song again. We arrived there and it’s all a big blur. I don’t remember much, but I do remember a lot of people. Strangers. I remember it being kind of dark because it was winter and it was evening so the sun was out since a couple hours ago. I don’t remember being there for too long before I got a call from my mom, I don’t even remember seeing her – my sister. When the phone rang and saw on the screen that I was my mom, I handed it over to my dad, but he rejected it. “You pick it up”, he said. I insisted. I wanted him to handle the situation, I wanted him to talk to my mom, I wanted him to take care of it, but he resisted it. I picked up. My mom asked me where I was. I lied and said we were at the park. She asked me again, she asked me if I was sure. I was so nervous I felt sick. I handed the phone over to my dad again, panicking, and he finally took it. I only remember my mom saying on the phone “I will run you over with a car.” May I remind you: I was ten.

We left and my dad took me to my other grandma’s – my mom’s mom – house. When we arrived, my dad asked me to come up and ask my grandma to come down. They talked. My mom went to come and pick me up there after. Everything that happened between is a blur to me, I only remember coming home and not understanding if my mom was upset with me or just upset, period. We barely spoke. She was mad. Noticeably mad. She was furious. She also took away my phone so I wouldn’t call or receive calls from my dad. I was forbidden to speak to him and stopped going over to my grandma’s house on the weekends. This went on for months.

The first time I talked to my dad about what had happened after all those times without speaking, I could see how bothered he was about the whole situation – obviously. I could see he was sad even. I think at the time he asked me if I wanted for us to try again but I don’t remember what I answered. Truth is I was scared. That hadn’t been where I didn’t think about the whole situation, about the fact that I had a sister who I didn’t know, whose house I’d been to, whose birthday party I’d attended but whose face I didn’t really remember. A sister who knew I existed and who knew I knew she existed, too, even though she was probably too little to understand anything.

Today, she is fourteen. And she gets to have a sibling, a person with her own blood coursing through her veins, walking the streets like nothing had happened, but she doesn’t get to have a sister. We never got to meet. After that, I never got up the courage to go through the whole thing again. Everything that happened just made me associate so much trauma to it, to meeting her, to her. Just thinking about it takes me back to such a hard place. Just thinking of going back there, of going through it again, makes me feel scared and anxious. And I know it’s not my fault. I know that I was a kid, too. I know that I didn’t know better. I know the adults failed us. Both of us. They did everything wrong, everything that could possibly go wrong, did. But it’s not her fault, either. I was ten but she was a baby and she’s probably living life thinking I don’t want to meet her. Thinking I don’t think about her. But I do. Every day. She doesn’t know I took a picture with my phone of a picture of her my dad has in his room and keep it in my phone’s camera roll. Maybe she doesn’t even care. I was never part of her life, she can’t miss what she never had. Maybe she even thinks she’s better off without me. Maybe she feels that she doesn’t want to meet someone who she thinks doesn’t want to meet her. But I can’t help but feel that my trauma isn’t a good enough excuse to keep me from meeting her. I feel like us meeting depends on me, the responsibility falls on my shoulders, like I have to fix what others broke. I keep thinking that if I really wanted to meet her, I already would have. But I’m not brave enough, I feel that I wouldn’t be able to deal with what would come with it.

My dad and I never talk about it. We pretend it’s not a thing. We pretend it never existed. He never talks to me about her. We mentioned it a couple of times over the years. He told me he wouldn’t try anymore, he told me he wouldn’t push me. He told me that if I wanted to meet her, then I would have to say something. But he said this with anger and disappointment in his voice. He also told me she knew I existed and she knew that I knew she existed as well and that she felt because “her sister doesn’t to meet her”. Of course he was trying to make me feel bad and guilty and it worked.

My mom was wrong in the way she handled the situation and in telling me the way that she did but my dad is as much to blame as my mom, if not more. He was the one one who had a kid and didn’t tell anybody, out of shame. He told my mom when the mother of his daughter got pregnant, he didn’t want her to keep it. He didn’t want any more children, but she had the baby anyway. My dad told my mom she did it to keep my dad close even though they were separated. I got to meet this woman. She was introduced to me one day me and my dad went to the movies and she was waiting for us at the mall after the movie ended. He introduced her as her name “Marta”, not as his girlfriend, even though I obviously knew that’s what she was.

My dad decided to tell he had a kid basically two years after she was born. What was he afraid of? My mom? Years ago, after I was born and after they were separated, my mom told my dad that she didn’t want any more kids and she didn’t want me to have any more siblings. She didn’t me to have siblings who weren’t from the same mother and father and my father agreed. I don’t if because he too didn’t want to have any more kids or because he too thought I should have a brother or a sister from a different mother or father. The whole thing is ridiculous. So it didn’t work out between me and my husband or life partner or whatever and in the eventuality that I meet somebody else who I love and want to start a family with, I can’t??? Because I don’t want my child or children to have “half-siblings”? How archaic is that? Of course, it’s not ideal, not according to the standards society holds us to, at least. When we get married or start a family with some body, we do so in hopes that that person will be our life partner… for life. We hope we’ll have all the babies with that person, we hope we’ll stay a family, together, a unity, in the same house. But things don’t always work out the way we think they will or the way we want them to. Sometimes we have to change and adapt and make a new reality for ourselves, a reality that better fits and serves us.

My dad tried to make me feel shame but he’s the one who should feel ashamed. A few months ago, my dad and I had grown a little closer. I was having some trouble at home with my mom and I knew he felt for me so I felt him giving me more attention, trying to somehow make me feel a little better. I felt growing more comfortable and open around him, so we revisited the subject. I told him what I thought and felt about it but his reaction was not what I had hoped. He told me he didn’t feel guilty, he told me he had a clear conscience about it. He told me he never forced me to do anything or go anywhere, he told me he always asked me and always gave me a choice. He told me I agreed to it because I wanted to, he never manipulated me into deciding anything. He told me I was old enough to know what I was doing and to decide for myself. Even though I was ten. Even though he was the adult. Even though he was the responsible one. Responsible to take care of me, to put me first, to think of me first, to do everything in his power to protect me and to keep me safe.

When he told me this, I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and cry. I couldn’t believe that he was taking no responsibility or accountability for what had happened. Who was to blame, then? Who was responsible for what happened? Me? The child? The ten-year-old? I felt so incredibly hurt. I was hoping for redemption. I was hoping for both of us to open our hurts and be sorry together. But I guess he didn’t learn anything and I feel sorry for him for it.

[breadclubrising]

So, I’m no expert on any of this, but I’ve gathered Kenny is probably in the midst of some face turning from evil to probably good. Probably. Does he ever do that these days when Ibushi isn’t somehow in the works? It seems like he has two settings (to an outsider to all this), oh look Ibushi is here, and Eeeevil in the Most Cartoon Way.

But again, mostly a bystander who pops in now and again wondering if the golden lovers are back yet.

Welcome, bystander :)

Even being a bystander, you can probably guess that I have an obnoxiously thorough answer to this question. Because I've been wondering the same thing. (The first thing; I think people would probably alert me if the second thing happened.)

You're right on about those two modes, but I have to confess, I haven't been paying enough attention to speculate on whether there will really be a face turn. Twitter seems to think there's at least some lessening of the heeling, and historically Kenny's face turns have been gradual, while his heel turns have been more sudden.

As for whether it indicates Ibushi adjacency these days: all I can say is that historically it has; "these days" would actually be Kenny's entire career, more or less! In the past, there's been both correlation and causation: his alignment gravitates between heel and face in rough correlation to his proximity to Ibushi, and all of his alignment shifts so far have (in kayfabe) had heavy Ibushi Reasons behind them¹.

So does Kenny's (maybe) face turn mean Golden Lovers stuff is nigh? Other than the fact that Kenny being a babyface has historically corresponded with Golden Lovers, there's not really any reason (yet?) to think it would now. The biggest indicator imo will be whether we see Increasing Ibushi References in the coming weeks/months.

Okay but like... what if it did? There's also no reason to think it doesn't, and many reasons to think it might! All of these things could be explained by not-Ibushi-in-AEW reasons, but:

I mean, the big one is Ibushi tweeting a few times that the Golden Lovers will have matches together, implying that it's in the works. (imo, this isn’t really news, but it’s evidence in favor, maybe?)

Ibushi and the Golden Lovers pretty much have to be babyfaces², so if we are shifting into Golden Lovers mode, it's likely Kenny will have to be more of a face.

The Young Bucks also seem to be shifting, which could set the stage for... something? That one could mean anything, tbh.

One of the major themes of Kenny's entire career/character is that he is his truest, happiest, most confident self around Kota. Last time, Kenny tried to goad Kota back with trolling, but Kota mostly was worried about him as a person, and dragged him back to his best self through The Power of Love. It would be a pretty great character note if Kenny remembered that Kota was never fooled or impressed by the heel persona, and decided to try being a good person ahead of time, in order to bring Kota back into his life.

Ibushi has been pretty darn quiet about NJPW on the twitta. A few times he said he's going to tell the truth someday and that he’s still mad at some individuals, but otherwise he's been quiet and even sympathetic/gracious about his dealings with them. I can think of very little leverage they have over him besides the fact that they control when and where he can wrestle. If he’s behaving, maybe it’s because of ‘the America thing’ that was referenced in his original receipts screenshots?

HEAVY AEW and NJPW crossover stuff is happening, in general. Especially if Ibushi gets closer to coming back from his injury, it’s gonna become more and more weird if they don’t address the Golden Lovers situation in some way.

People (who are wrong) fuckin’ LOVE The Cleaner. It’s kind of a gamble to try to be a babyface again, when what the people want is sneering leather jacket tragic anime villain, bc they’re not really seeing how it’s a pathetic facade to obscure the yearning heart of a bereft Lover. So why might such a gamble be worth taking?

ANYWAY, Anon, I don’t really know whether your question was about history, correlation, or evidence, but hopefully I’ve covered the bases and answered it!

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¹Quick refresher if you need it: Kenny's Jr. Heavyweight heel turn happened after his leaving DDT for NJPW (while Ibushi had full-time contracts at both companies, the madman). His last match at DDT was a Golden Lovers match after which he told fans that Japan was his home, and then he debuted in NJPW like 2 weeks later and said (in English) that he was actually lying about that. His face turn began with a slow crash-and-burn that neatly coincided with Ibushi's return to NJPW in 2017 for the G1. And then he went to AEW, where he was The Cleaner again and became increasingly so, notably soon after emotionally telling the Young Bucks that he chose them, not AEW the business; implying that he made Some Sacrifices.

²Ibushi is a mega-babyface all the time. This is partly because he does a lot of flips, but also because that's who Ibushi is as a person. (Even Kota Ibushi The Character's gimmick is 'generally earnest and emotional guy who is extremely skilled at professional wrestling', because while Ibushi thinks about character plenty, he doesn't want to have to think about it during matches). Even if Ibushi did a heel turn, the Golden Lovers' gimmick has always been 'because you're my world bro and you make me a better person', and again... they don’t really want to pretend to be anything else. It would be hard to do that and be Eeevil also (but tbh i would like to see it). So, Kenny kind of like... logistically has to be a babyface in order to be anywhere near Kota, as evidenced by the completely nonsensical Bullet Club stuff that surrounded their reunion.