#okay we know those don't really exist in the mcu but still

[dapper-zappa]

“She’s Everything. He’s just Stark.” | Tony Stark

Pairing: Tony Stark x Wife!Reader

Summary: Let's see how would it be like if you and Tony saw the Barbie movie together, shall we?

Word count: 597

Warnings: Kinda crack fic so forgive me for that and it being short, banter, references of irl celebs bc I HC that they all exist in the MCU world, Tony being the ideal bf fr, reader can be either an Avenger or civilian up to your interpretation, pretend Endgame, Infinity War, and Civil War never happened, Barbie movie spoilers (don't be like those bfs who are secretly misogynists, y'all)

A/N: Came up with this idea when I was chatting with my friends on Discord and idc what y'all say, Tony would watch Barbie for his gal (and himself) even if ironically his actor is in Oppenheimer 😭

Also I always find the HC that RDJ and Tony coexisting in the MCU to be hilarious bc they're basically lookalikes of each other in my head BAHHAHDSHHFDF

“That was…”

“Amazing. I love how empowering this movie is.” Tony continued, turning away from the screen to face you with the cutest grin ever plastered on his face. 

“Barbie World'' by Ice Spice and Nicki Minaj blared itself inside the theater studio as the credits played on the silver screen. The lights had turned on and people were starting to leave now that the Barbie movie had finished showing, with you and Tony deciding to watch it not just because of the trend, but mostly because of how you really looked forward to that movie before it premiered. While people are leaving, you, your boyfriend, and some others still lingered inside to watch the credits.

You smiled back at him. “I know, right? I never expected a movie about a literal Barbie doll to be this deep, but man, Greta Gerwig did such a fantastic job!” 

He leaned in to give your cheek a kiss. “You know, babe, hearing Gloria’s monologue about women’s struggles made me even more proud of you for being a really strong woman.” he pecked your other cheek. “You’re always there for me and your loved ones, you’re never shy of fighting for your own goodness, and last but not least, being the best wife ever.” 

“Thanks, Tones.” you replied.

“You’re welcome, because I think this is the best movie experience I ever had with my girl. Me watching one of the best movies of this year with my best girl? Yes please!” he exclaimed cheerfully.

Tony Stark might be one of the Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, but he’s deep down just a loving man who loved his wife and cared for his friends. He had his own needs and interests, not just him being Iron Man plastered on murals or a kid’s bedroom poster. You, on the other hand, were a woman he admired so much for being an iron-willed woman who dedicated your life to make everyone feel better. After years of dating him, he finally proposed, with the two of you finally tying the knot some time later. 

“Honey?” you asked. 

“What’s up, Mrs. Stark?” 

“I think I know someone who should definitely play another Ken if there’s a sequel.” 

Tony tilted his head and slightly squinted his eyes in suspicion. “Who is it, hmm? You want Steve Rogers to be a Ken? Oh please, you know who’s the better choice.” he smirked playfully. 

“Robert Downey Jr.” you joked. 

“What? Out of everyone in this entire world, you chose someone who looks a lot like me instead of the actual me? The actual Tony Stark? How could you, baby?” he exclaimed, putting his hand on his chest in pretend shock. “Are you saying that you’re taking the ‘She’s everything, he’s just Ken’ thing seriously?” 

A lighthearted laughter escaped your mouth at the sight of your husband’s reaction. “Tony, I’m kidding, okay? Besides, why would I disrespect the man who’s literally boyfriend and husband material? These matching shirts aren’t supposed to be taken seriously! If anything, you’re way better than Ken, baby.” you gestured to the matching t-shirts you both wore. 

On your shirt, it said “She’s everything.” while Tony’s matching one said “He’s just Stark”. It was custom made thanks to the slogan being different and Tony wanted the name to be Stark instead of Ken, much to your dismay but nevertheless you thought he looked great in it. 

“Now that’s the Y/N I know and love.” 

You stood up from your seat and offered your hand to him. “Absolutely. Now let’s go, we have dinner waiting for us.” 

[full-of-malice]

wow. alright. just got through loki season two last night. here are my thoughts

alright so first and foremost. the ending was bullshit.

something something pretty imagery pain and suffering godlike potential and he wants to be a good god. i just. gods there are so many other ways you could've done that in a way that didn't reaffirm that loki would suffer alone forever. that he would be burdened with a glorious purpose til the end of time. he doesn't deserve that. loki has been through enough and finally deserves something akin to peace and happiness.

don't get me wrong as a norse mythology nerd the imagery in this episode was nice. some concepts were lovely. the time travel tie together of a lot of stuff at the end i appreciated it. but loki didn't and doesn't deserve pain and suffering. one of the points of the show is that you are not tethered to fate and that you can try and make your own choices and destiny and is fighting back against the predetermined.

i will also be bitter that we as a fandom got queerbaited. again. don't come over to me crying but serena a romance subplot would've been rushed it wouldn't logically have worked, oh serena not everything has to have romance. well sure. i know. but i also call bullshit. if the writers can cram in a drawn out uncomfortable ai x romance scene then i'm pretty certain that they can make two characters who already have chemistry kiss. it could be like. a five second scene. a quick kiss on the cheek. anything to confirm that they. were actually together. it wouldn't have taken much considering the characters already have chemistry unlike some which they somehow managed to squeeze in there [coughing sylki cough coughing]

queerbaiting in the fact that we as a fandom were robbed of our potential loki genderfluid representation, along with barely given the Concept of him being bisexual before instantly forced into a seemingly straight relationship that resembled a selfcest fic. [the scene where loki said if he won't come back and was going to say something to mobius before time slipping was queerbaiting and you can fight me on that] loki using he/him in the mcu is why i am primarily using those pronouns for him. pronouns don't equal gender, he can still be genderfluid and use only he/him pronouns. or if his character were to come out and prefer different terms those pronouns would be used. either way i'd be thrilled because finally genderfluid rep

okay um flashes mythology nerd badge lets get into some imagery that i enjoyed despite not. like. enjoying the end of the finale.

yggdrasil. in the norse mythology is a giant tree that all of the nine realms exist upon. this giant tree is ruled over and protected. okay yeah most people who know anything can see that imagery in the end of the show. this matters even more but i'll get to that soon.

the imagery of the throne reminds me of odin's throne in norse mythology. it was a grand all seeing throne that no one else but the king of gods was allowed to touch [that didn't stop of lot of people though]. and while my memory of this is a bit fuzzy it does remind me a lot of the throne used.

it even more reminds me of the punishment that was used against loki in norse mythology where the god was chained to a rock with a snake dripping burning venom of their face

alright back to yggdrasil imagery. the branches of multiverse and the like are pretty obvious meanings. but what really stuck out to me was rather the fact that in the first captain america movie with the red skull, the tesseract was found in a carving of yggdrasil.

loki then proceeds to fight over and chase after this tesseract desperately as one of his motives. only to end up in the tva. and for fate to have destine for him to destroy the loom and basically restore yggdrasil.

do i like this ending ? no not one bit loki deserves so much better. do i think the imagery is pretty ? sure i do i appreciate the touches but i do think it could've just as been as meaningful without loki being sent to eternal suffering.

don't get me wrong the show to me was enjoyable. i was excited for it each week, but it was hard to watch due to a lot of wasted potential, unneeded moments, scenes that made no sense, and so forth. and also the fact that it feels like they don't seem to care about a lot of the characters ? maybe that's just me but yk

[erinptah]

Your thoughts on jakemark? I started to like it quite recently and I find them extremely underrated

All the headmate shipping combinations are A+ good in my book 👍

And, uh, my hand slipped and I wrote an essay, here...

I think the Steven sides of the triangle are easier to make happen, because Steven wears his heart on his sleeve (see: gushing over Layla after knowing her for 5 minutes), and is willing to put in the effort to drag the emotions out of somebody more closed-off (see: the entire Duat). So he can take the emotional initiative with both Marc and Jake.

Marc is more closed-off and withdrawn, with this persistent underlying feeling of "I don't deserve nice things, I don't get to ask for things I want, I shouldn't even think about wanting things." (Layla definitely also took a lot of emotional initiative, or they wouldn't have ended up together in the first place.)

And Jake -- okay, his MCU scenes are tiny and his comicverse characterization is wildly inconsistent, but here's the version I write, based on "cherry-picking only the character notes I like and mashing them all together."

Jake is willing to be open and sociable about surface-level things, but his underlying hang-up is "I can't talk about things that are really important to me, those are vulnerabilities, and if I'm too obvious about them, they'll be used against me."

So Marc's first instinct when he finds out about Jake is "oh no, this must be someone scary and dangerous and monstrous, because I know how bad I am, and if I couldn't handle knowing about him before, how much worse must he be?"

Which just reinforces Jake's existing approach of "showing any weakness or soft spots is a bad idea, and Marc in particular doesn't like or trust me at all, so why would I risk being vulnerable in front of him?"

I figure they would soften up toward each other once the whole system spends some time adventuring together...but then they get caught in a standoff where both of them think "okay, that guy's not so bad, maybe I even care about him...but he's obviously still got his walls up against me, so I'm gonna be cool and keep my distance and not make this weird."

So to make the good ship actually sail, you need some outside force to break the standoff! Or else they'll keep spinning around in that infinite loop forever.

Personal favorite approach is for Steven to break the loop. He did the feelings-wrangling for each of these idiots individually -- he can bloody well roll up his sleeves and tackle both at the same time, if that's what it takes!

(...This is the approach I'm taking in the Cover of Knight universe, and, well, we're 100K+ words in, and Jake+Marc are still only at the point of "we can let ourselves show affection toward each other IF Steven's in the middle to act as a buffer." It's totally possible they're headed towards "okay, sure, technically we're having full-on hot headspace sex with each other -- but only because Steven thinks it's hot to watch, and we think it's hot to indulge him -- it's not like we like each other or anything.")

[sokkastyles]

On some level, I can understand where Azula stans are coming from, and I mainly blame the recent shows and movies that have been released. For a long time villains have just been evil with no remorse as presented in media, but recently we have seen movies that are like "hey actually this guy isn't that bad and they are a prodict of their surroundings and its not their fault they are evil" like the movie malefecent or alice into the looking glass. Not to mention, redemption arcs are super popular like Loki, kylo Ren, catra, and the diamonds from Steven Universe. I specifically named these character because i feel like they have done so much bad that it will take a lot more than just a sorry and a tragic backstory to make up for all the bad they did. Maybe Loki is okay, but he did some really terrible things, and i am on the fence about him. Not to mention the joker sympathy that has been rampant for a while because of the movie blaming society, and that is someone completely irredeemable except for the Harley Quinn show, apparently, but that is a comedy.

What im trying to say though is that there doesnt seem to be just straight up villains now and consatnt blaming of outside forces for a the bad villains do saying it's not there fault because they only blew up a children's hospital because they were hurting, not to mention medias constant depiction of toxic relationships and friendships that keep getting talked about like they are completely normal. I know some Azula stans are just kike that but some i fell are misinformed and seem to surround themselves with so many like minded individuals that they truly believe what they think is true and are hard pressed to change their opinion. (Also, pretty privilege exists)

Well, redemption arcs and villains with complex stories are hardly new. I haven't seen the most recent MCU stuff but has Loki been redeemed? In the comics, and in Norse mythology, he has always been something of an antihero, a character who would be good or bad depending on the occasion. I grew up on comic books and those kinds of characters frequently occur there. Magneto is another example of a character who would sometimes side with the good guys but also inevitably go back to being a villain. They're complicated characters with sympathetic pasts, but their pasts don't excuse their actions. And there's an important distinction there that I think is lost on a lot of people. Another example that comes to mind is Billy from Stranger Things, who I often see idolized on tumblr as if he had become a hero by the end of the story, or should have, just because he had a sad background and then sacrificed himself for the heroes. His death, and life, were tragic, and we understand by the end why he was the way he was, but he was still an awful, unpleasant person, and the show never suggests that we should see him as good now, nor should it.

A lot of the examples you mention with female villains I blame on the rise of liberal "girlboss" feminism. That goes with what you say about pretty privilege. Pop culture "feminism" wants to convince you that being pretty is empowering, the weaponized femininity thing, eyeliner so sharp you can kill a man, etc. When in reality, we're still catering to patriarchal ideas of desirability. And what's especially insidious about this kind of feminism is that it's often other women or other marginalized groups who are the targets of it. Pop culture puts this stuff out to pander to women by presenting a "feminist" ideal that is still non-threatening to the status quo. The idea that Azula or Harley Quinn, who in her first appearance in BTAS was a character who became a villain due to being manipulated and abused by a man, are empowering female characters is bananas. That's not to say they are bad female characters, and Harley is another comic book character who has always been likeable for her propensity to gleefully straddle the line between hero and villain, but I despise the girlbossification of these kinds of characters the same way I despise people making them into poor widdle innocent victims.

The heroization of the joker comes from red pill weirdos primarily, and those have also existed for a long time. See Fight Club for another example, but anyone with a brain knows that Tyler Durden is the bad guy, and that the stuff he's spewing about being woke and masculine is all just nonsense in the end. So I don't necessarily buy that it's all media's fault that people don't understand the point of these characters.

And there are absolutely still just "straight up villains." The obvious answer just by looking at ATLA is Ozai, but even then, the show still does a lot to tell us why he is the way he is, and implies he was once a victim of his family not unlike Zuko or Azula. People often ignore that, especially Azula stans who make such a distinction between Ozai and Azula in order to prove that Azula deserves redemption. I'm not saying that Azula and Ozai are the same in terms of how much sympathy the narrative gives them, by the way, just that I think it's odd that one is seen as so much more redeemable than the other, when their backstories are so similar. Ozai often gets labeled as one dimensional not because he is less complex than Azula, but because people don't want to see him redeemed and are uncomfortable with the idea, so they want to see him as less complex and more villainous. Which to me misses the point of the fire family dynamic and how the cycle of violence was perpetuated in that family.

[doctorofmagic]

I know this wasn't the point of the Wanda post but I feel like this should be said: Introducing things from the movies into the comics is not always a bad thing like how Blade wasn't half vampire until after the film trilogy and everything that happened with comic 616 Nick Fury. But I could be wrong and those are actually terrible examples.

I agree with you! I don't think adaptations and new concepts are bad, but it really depends on every circumstance.

Cloud!Galactus will forever haunt the second FF movie. Let alone that *points at Victor von Doom as a whole*

On the other hand, some concepts are super welcome, like what they did with the Eternals, making most of their personalities waaaay more interesting (I suppose my only exception is Sersi. Comics!Sersi is/was so full of sass and I missed that. But Ikaris? Makkari? Druig? *chef's kiss*)

Nick Fury, imo, is a very unique concept because he only exists thanks to the Ultimates artist who used Samuel L. Jackson for his design. The actor saw that and wanted to be part of the MCU, which turned him into a very popular character, leading Ult!Fury to the 616, while 616!Fury is currently *whatever happened to him in Slott's FF run idrc* (correct me if I'm wrong on this, I read that info a long time ago)

Oh, and I can't say much about Blade because I'm just starting to read his chronology. But I think it's cool that he's a daywalker, as far as I know.

In short, it's okay if the movies introduce something cool to the character.

But back to Wanda... (and I know you didn't mention her, this is just me ranting, so please feel free to ignore that part, I'm just seizing this opportunity)

Nothing about her MCU characterization added good things to her comic book version. She was whitewashed, worked for Hydra, had a terrible storyline about grief and mental health (tipically stereotyped and twice as problematic since she's a woman) and finally had the "woman goes crazy with power" trope. She was never able to control her powers (as seen in Civil War) and let her emotions warp reality to fit her fantasies while being manipulated by both people and her own emotions (again, women are often called overly emotional, and I'm not excusing Bendis here because he did the same in comics). She became a villain during HoM and the times she was possessed by Chthon, but she was never meant to be *THAT* scary and evil. There's altruism in her essence (this is why the narrative of killing a teenager is just so off to me).

Wanda is a brown romani woman who was often persecuted due to her ethnicity, religion and skin color, as well as her mutant genes. And yes, the many reboots that tried to erase her identity. Even in modern day, she still has to deal with ill-intended writers who ignored the implications of her character as a hero of color and the double effort she has to perform in order to be accepted as an Avenger, (former) mutant and overall hero. Not only that, the fans have to BEG to artists to make sure she isn't whitewashed, while 0ls3n stans will mock and diminish those who ask for representation.

This is why it's so problematic for Wanda to be like that. Her entire characterization is made to please a toxic fanbase and use her as a symbol to promote their racism (as seen on my previous post).

In short, they don't like Wanda. They just idolize 0ls3n because she's white and plays a derranged woman filled with power. And that's kinda enough for them.

Don't get me wrong, I do love my fair share of female villains (I'm literally in 300 different fandoms). But Wanda was not meant to be that, especially knowing that there are so few female heroes of color on screen (it gets even worse when we only count phase 1, 2 and 3).

In any case, my point is, fans cannot accept the influence of MCU!Wanda to be translated to comics because it's erasure of her identity and plain racism. The new team is working very hard to portray a woman of color as she was supposed to be ever since her roma heritage was established in comics, and it's infuriating that people will turn a blind eye to all that.

Like, this kind of shit keeps happening over and over.

Even when Wanda is a brown woman like she's supposed to be, they still find a way to erase her through 0ls3n's whiteness. This is not different from those derranged people who pick white actors and photoshop them over Black Panther's characters (I've seen one just yesterday).

Sure many minorities were poorly portrayed back then, often depicting problematic characterizations, but here's an excellent case of how comic books allow room for growth (I was talking about HP and JK but it also fits this post)

Agatha was just the last bit of bad influence from that accursed TV show. She was deaged, which is absurdly ageist. There are so many few elderly and middle-aged women in the Marvel universe. There's less now because women can't be old (ask me about the anons that stated Charlize was too old to play Clea and watch me burn in rage).

Anyways, I wanted to make this about Wanda again because it's not just a case of bad adaptation. It's a political statement -- and a bad one. And I don't want ANY OF THAT in a media that is so political and means so much to minorities. I feel like it's important for us to talk about this ALWAYS. So yeah. I don't know how to end this post. Representation matters. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

[nightowlwriting]

summary: steve is acting weird. avoiding you, being snippy and mean, leaving the room when you enter. all you want is your boyfriend back, but all he wants is to pretend you don't exist. when he's almost hurt on a mission, you do what you're made to do.

word count: 11k

reader specifics: no race/gender/sexuality/body type mentioned, no pronouns for reader used, powered!reader, insecure!reader

warnings: steve is mean to the reader in the beginning, heavy angst, hurt/comfort, canon-level violence, brief ptsd symptoms, slight description of blood, brief mention of racism in the '30s & '40s

brief mentions of: reader's parents being toxic, homelessness, past accidents, ableism in the past & present

note: this one hurt me lmfao. idk why this went the way it did but i'm not mad at it // also i am a queer, trans, disabled american. i have fundamental disagreements with things that marvel/the mcu as it stands for and some of the more nuanced things that you might not notice unless you're looking for it. this will take place in my writing because i cannot separate myself from the lens in which i consume/create content.

title credit: lil nas x

mobile masterlist - request - support my work? - ao3

Falling in love with Steve Rogers went against every instinct you had. You knew that he was going to hurt you from the first moment your lips touched his. Sure - he’s clever, righteous, courteous… You can’t forget he’s also drop-dead gorgeous because every trashy gossip magazine in a three-state radius of New York doesn’t let you forget. Neither does the sight of him waking up in your bed every morning. (Well, actually, maybe that would remind you if he was still fucking doing that.)

But lately, you’ve had to rely on the fucking tabloids to catch a glimpse of your super-hero boyfriend. The university class you had picked up on a whim at the end of the summer - Life & Times of the ‘30s and ‘40s - avoids any mention of Steve Rogers and the Howling Commandos. Not that your classmates do because, Christ on a bike, those magazines manage to catch pictures of you and Steve in moments that you don’t even remember. Plus, you’re an Avenger too. It’s bound to catch some attention when you waltz into a college classroom.

You’re sure if you were an undergrad trying to fill a gen-ed requirement and were sitting next to someone who could kill you without blinking but also dating Captain Rogers you’d be a little distracted too. You try not to blame your classmates too much, but they do make it hard to concentrate with their -really dating Captain America?- and -wonder if I could get an autograph- whispers. None of that matters because you’re learning, really studying, in between missions and missing Steve and believing that maybe the gossip reporters are right.

Maybe he’s forgotten about you.

You grit your teeth and push the thought away. It does you no good right now, while you’re training with Peter. He’s working his way up to bona fide missions and, because you’re the only one on the team who has experience with real-life teenagers outside of saving their lives, it’s up to you to get him to the level that he needs to be. Plus, the mission where he’s going to get his gills wet is just you, Tony, Steve, Nat, and Bucky. You’d much rather be the one to train him because you won’t traumatize him.

Right now, though, you’re just kicking his ass to try and get rid of some of the tension in your body. You feel a little bad about it, but when you started as his mentor you told him point-blank that you’d never go easy on him. That meant if you were having a bad day he either needed to up his game or he’d have a bad day too. It appears he’s taken that to heart as he struggles to dodge the hits you’re throwing his way. He lunges out of the way when you try to land a right hook but practically walks into the leg sweep that sends him crashing to the ground.

“Awe,” Peter groans, letting his guard down. You take the momentary lapse of focus to grab him by the collar of the hoodie he’s wearing and haul him to his feet, jerking one fist back to cold-clock him but he beats you to it. You hear the sound of your nose cracking before you feel it but then the pain rushes you all at once. You’ve had worse but coming from Peter, the move surprises you. You don’t yell out but he does when you push him away from you and call the fight off. Peter practically yelps your name, hands up by his head as he watches you bend at the waist, both hands over where your nose is absolutely gushing blood. “I am so sorry, I just reacted-!”

“It’s fine, Pete,” You shake your head and stand straight again, the blood beginning to leak through your fingers, “Just go get me a towel, okay?” Peter practically trips over his feet to get something for your nose and as you track him on his way into the locker rooms, you see Steve, Bucky, and Nat. The latter are looking your way, eyebrows raised like they’re asking you if you’re okay. Steve hasn’t even broken stride in his conversation so you wave them off with a bloody hand. Peter’s back in a flash, pressing a wet towel into your grasp and snapping you out of your self-pity party. “It was a good hit,” You compliment as you wipe your face off, “I just wasn’t expecting it. Prob’ly wouldn't have landed it if I had.”

He wrings his hands, shifting from foot to foot. “I’m sorry-”

“It’s a good thing, Peter, means you’re getting better.” You deadpan, checking to see if your nose has stopped bleeding yet, “I don’t think you actually broke it, but I’ll go down to medical to check later.” You do your best to clean up your hands with the wet towel, but it’s so soaked with your blood that it mostly just smears it around. You grimace and shake your head. “Well, I should go now before our sparring match ends up looking like I murdered you.”

“I’ll go with,” He offers, “I’m the one who broke your nose.” You let Peter walk you down to medical even though you were originally going to refuse. Perhaps petty, but it was the way that Steve didn’t even look your way as you left that made you let the teenager walk you the two floors to where you’d be able to clean yourself up. He hums in the elevator and you know that he wants to ask you something - it’s the way he holds his mouth when he’s prying for information or keeping a secret that tips you off. Finally, just before the elevator opens, you sigh and turn to him.

“What, Peter?” He grins but then it falls when he has to skitter after you down the hall. Maybe that’s why it falls - the question he asks next nearly sends you to your ass.

“Is everything okay with you and Captain Rogers?” He easily catches up to you when you stop in your tracks, ignoring that you’re still bleeding a little bit down your face and you might be dripping blood everywhere from where it’s run down your arms.

“What?” You do your best to look confused like everything is fine, but Peter is perceptive. He may fumble around and be pretty awkward, but those are really just teenager things that he’ll hopefully outgrow. You should have known that when someone caught onto how bad things are on your end, it would be Peter. (You wonder if Nat or Bucky has brought it up with Steve, considering he’s spent more time with them in the past week than he’s seen you in the past month.) “We’re fine.” Your words are stilted as you begin walking to the medical wing much faster than before.

“I just thought I’d ask, well, because I’ve sort of noticed… Something just seems off, you know? Like, you two used to spend a lot of time together, and maybe it’s the recon mission coming up, but I was just thinking that you two really barely look at each other even when you’re in the same -”

“Peter!” You say his name much louder than either of you expected and both of you jump. “Peter,” You say softer, looking at the glass door to the medical wing instead of him, “Just leave it, okay? It’s nothing you have to worry about, kid.” Peter ducks around to open the door, forcing you to look at him. “He’s just focused on his stuff and I’m focused on getting you whipped into shape for this mission. We only have two days.” Once you’re inside and surrounded by the medical crew Tony keeps on staff, he thankfully drops it. You love Peter, you do, but it’s a lot like having a little brother. You can only love them so much before you want to fucking strangle them. Eventually, as the doctor checks to make sure he hasn’t broken your nose, you have to order him away to go study or something. “I’ll join you later,” You promise him as the doctor prods at your tender flesh, “I have an essay due soon.”

That’s another thing that’s been bugging you that Peter surely picked up on. Nearly everybody knew you were taking a course at the local community college, but nobody knew what it was about. You’d wanted to keep it a secret until you told Steve, but the day you had registered he’d flown out for a two-week mission without telling you or saying goodbye. After that, you decided it didn’t really matter if anyone knew what class you were taking, and keeping it a secret sort of spiraled from there. If they wanted to know they could look it up. Maybe it was petty, but you just wanted the class to be over and done with so you could forget that you really only picked it up so you relate to your boyfriend more.

If you can even call Steve your boyfriend anymore. You’re not so sure where you stand and, honestly, you’re really close to giving up on the relationship as a whole but you can’t do that. Before you were dating, you were friends, and Steve… He never gave up on you. Not once. How could you repay him by giving up on your relationship? The one that you thought was The One? Even if it hurts, even if you’re unsure more than sure these days, how could you? Somewhere, though, you know you deserve better. You don’t deserve the sinking, dark feeling that lingers in your gut for most of your days now or the way that you second-guess every move you make - even in the field. It’s dangerous but you can’t do anything to fix it.

You’re too scared. You know that eventually, it will happen, he’ll break up with you, but you’d like to put that day off for as long as possible. To relish in the love he once had for you, how pure and powerful it was. You’re sure that you’ll never experience anything like that again.

Hell, you might never fall in love again.

Those thoughts don’t do anything to help you, though, so you try not to have them. You get clearance from the doctor and get cleaned up as much as you can without taking a full body shower. The idea to go back to your room and take one crosses your mind but you know that Steve’s probably done training, probably heading back for his own shower, and you don’t want to open that can of worms. Instead, you go to the common room and drop into the couch between Peter and Tony. They’re talking about something something science something something, but you pull your stack of books and notebooks out from the shelf underneath the coffee table and continue outlining your essay from where you left off. The assignment was focused on how the end of WW1 changed American life and then how life changed leading up to and during WW2 but that had hit a little too close to home for you, so you’re writing about the racial tension and overall racism of the times. Tony and Peter keep talking over your back and then you hear footsteps heading toward the common room.

You barely look up when they enter - Nat and Bucky - because it’s fine. It’s normal. They’re just two of Steve’s best friends, that’s all, nothing to be jumpy about. You don’t even register that emotional pain that hits when you realize that, yeah, you’re not one of his best friends anymore. You doubt you’re even considered a friend in his book.

You groan and lean back into the couch, bringing your study materials with you. Peter glances over, skimming over your page and a half of shorthand, and gags. “Jesus, can you write like a normal person?”

“Oh, sorry,” You say lazily, not looking up as you continue to scribble in your incomprehensible code, “I do forget that some of us had privacy at home.” You lift your lips just a little bit to let Peter know you’re kidding, looking up at him through your lashes as you slouch next to him. He looks red in the face. “Besides, once you have to start doing mission reports you’ll be begging me to learn my shorthand and use my stenography machine.”

“I keep telling you that I can update that ol’ thing,” Tony draws your attention. For the first time, you realize that Nat and Bucky are on the loveseat looking at you expectantly. Steve is standing in the corner over their shoulder reading a book from the bookshelf in front of him. His back is tense and he looks like he’s not reading, just listening. You force your eyes back to Tony on your right and shake your head.

“No, because then you’d know my shorthand and it makes me too happy to see you spend hours trying to decipher it.” His eyes wander to your essay again, trying to find any patterns that he can use to figure out what the hell you’re writing on anything ever. He’s opening his mouth to make a smart-ass remark that will no doubt lift some of the weight off of your shoulders when another voice speaks up.

“Wow,” Steve doesn’t even look at you even as he says your name sardonically, “Way to be a team player.” Your mind comes to a screeching halt, trying to figure out what the fuck he’s playing at. Even Bucky and Nat look surprised at the cold way he spoke to you, Tony and Peter both gasping from your side. You can’t say anything, throat tight and burning with tears as you stare at your boyfriend with raised eyebrows. What do you say to that? How do you respond? You know it wasn’t a joke because he’s not laughing, not smiling, not even looking up from that fucking book in his hands. You can’t tell if you’re more hurt or embarrassed, but either way, you don’t want to stick around for someone to get the nerve to say something.

Instead of replying, you slam your textbooks shut and bundle everything into your arms. You doubt Steve even notices that you’re making such a hasty retreat but if he does, he doesn’t say a fucking thing. You feel like you’re in high school - practically running through an empty hallway with your notebooks and textbooks pressed to your chest, trying not to cry. It’s ridiculous. You’re a trained assassin, you’re an Avenger, you are strong and powerful and yet… And yet. You’ve given so much of your heart and soul to Steve Rogers that he can knock you down eight pegs without even trying. Without even looking at you. You can’t wait to go on this fucking recon mission, where you can put all of your focus on making sure Peter is doing okay and gathering the intel. Where you can stop thinking about how easily Steve Rogers seems to be pushing you to the side.

You spend the next two days writing your essay, ignoring almost everyone, and working on your essay. On the day of the recon mission, you’re running out the door for your eight a.m lecture, printed essay in hand, and reminding Tony that he promised to pick you up on campus after class for the mission.

You’re lucky that you went, too. You hadn’t counted on the professor making everyone stand up and tell the class the subject of their essays - didn’t realize that it would be twenty-five percent of the grade on the paper. You’ll never understand college professors and the weird shit they do, but the class is informative and entertaining. He goes around the room, starting on the opposite side of you, so you’ll be last. Great.

Several students did their papers on the propaganda of the time, one student was brave and did her essay on the ethical dilemma of the super-soldier serum and eugenics, and most of the other students focused on pop culture and how it changed. When your professor looks at you it’s almost like he’s expecting you to have done nothing but fawn over Steve and Bucky, considering you know them personally. He looks surprised when you clear your throat, stand and say: “I focused on the casual and institutional racism that faced non-white Americans at the time.” You almost preen when he looks impressed and then the shame fills you. It’s just… You want Steve to be proud of you. You want him to congratulate you on going back to school, even if it’s just for one class. You want him to be happy and surprised that he was the inspiration for taking the class.

Though, lately, the class has been more for you than for him. You like learning new things, pushing the boundaries of assignments, making people uncomfortable with the truth of the times you’re studying as told to you by two people who lived it. It’s nice. Normal.

Everyone needs a little bit of normal.

But, honestly, normal is fucking boring. By the time your class is over and you’re handing in your essay it’s like ants are crawling over your skin. A combination of nerves from the upcoming mission, a head full of fog from whatever is happening with Steve, and a little bit of fear at the thought of taking Peter into the field has you bolting for the door the moment your essay is taken from you. You’d worn your tac-suit underneath a pair of baggy sweats and a loose hoodie, so you don’t even bother slowing down as you head toward the car that Tony has waiting for you. He’s in the front seat, grinning at you from underneath his aviators and Peter is driving.

You slip into the backseat without thinking or looking at who’s there, tossing your bag in the back and peeling your hoodie off. “God, Tone, we’re goin’ to die before we even get to the mission with Petey driving.” You toss your hoodie back to join your bag and finally see who’s sitting next to you.

Of course, it’s Steve. He’s looking at you - but not really. He’s looking through you, like he can’t stand that you’re both crammed in the backseat of Tony’s electric car. His gaze catches you and holds you in place. Everything around you goes cold and fuzzy, making you miss Peter’s indignant complaining that he has his license so he should be able to drive… And then Steve scoffs and looks out his window, ignoring you. It stings but you have a job to do. You make some witty retort back to Peter, but it falls flat as you struggle out of your sweats. This is what life is, you think. Relationships aren’t meant to be forever - you learned that at a young age.

Until your accident at fifteen, you had watched your parents run out of helium, their relationship expanding and cooling in arguments, in days spent not talking, in trips to your grandparents without the other, in passive-aggressive computer searches for divorce attorneys left open for anyone to see. Then, after you were trapped between those machines - after you spent hour after agonizing hour with electricity pressing between your atoms, being torn apart and rebuilt as a young god - after that day you watched them expand against each other before the neutron core of their relationship collapsed on itself and the resulting supernova sent you to the streets. But then Fury found you. Then Tony, then Nat, then Steve.

Your parents exploded out from each other and the shockwaves ruined your life. At least now, your relationship with Steve is ending silently. There’s no explosion, no collapse, no rapid expansion to take over your cosmos. Your relationship with Steve is simply approaching the event horizon, where it will hang in the air until one of you takes the final step and you both become frozen, two collapsing objects on opposite sides of the universe. Maybe that’s what you already are. You feel so far away from him in the back of Tony’s car - like he’s eons and light-years away from you - and you feel so cold. Frozen, down to the bone. It makes you stiff in your replies to Tony and Peter, slow on the uptake when the car pulls up to the quinjet, nearing stasis and unable to respond when Nat asks if you’re okay.

Finally, you turn to look at her, nodding. “Fine,” You clear your throat, “Been a rough day.” You do your best to smile at her, but your face feels heavy. Your chest feels cold and tight, making you worry about your performance on the upcoming mission. When Peter shakes his head next to you, discreetly telling Nat not to press, you’re focused on Steve and the electricity humming in the most base part of your body.

He scoffs and rolls his eyes. You turn away and force yourself to smile, throwing a weak and numb arm over Peter’s shoulders. “Are you ready for this, Pete?” You jostle him back and forth, leading him toward the sitting area behind the cockpit. “Gonna get your ass kicked?”

“Please,” He shoves you off, nervously laughing, “Not with the skills you’ve taught me.” He mimics throwing webs, making hissing noises under his breath, and you bark out a laugh, shaking your head.

“You’re payin’ my medical bills when I have to save your ass, Spidey.” You shake your head and strap in next to the wall, Peter taking the seat to your right. Tony, from the aisle across from you, points a thick finger your way.

“You don’t pay medical bills anymore,” He waggles his finger, “So you’ll just have to make him do your homework for a week.”

“Mister Stark!”

“He’ll have to earn shorthand to do your essays,” Nat chimes in from between Bucky and Steve, who are both doing their best to not look at you - or anyone really. “You willing to share that with him?”

You lean back in your seat and jab at Peter with your elbow. “Hell no, so I guess Spider-Boy better do his best.” The arachnid in question grumbles, crossing his arms and slouching in his seat.

“No pressure, right?” He complains, “Not like I’m already nervous or anything.”

“You’ll do fine, kid,” Bucky pipes up, drawing your eyes back to Steve, “It’s goin’ to be a cakewalk.”

“Don’t jinx it, Barnes,” You warn half-heartedly, tucking in on yourself, “We need this to be easy.” From the look on his face - everyone’s face, really - you know that they heard you loud and clear when you were really saying I need this to be easy.

After an uneasy laugh from Bucky, a claustrophobic silence settles over you all as the jet begins to take off. You’re in for an hour ride and plan to spend it going over battle plans with Peter when harsh whispering catches your ear. It’s Bucky and Steve nearly crushing Nat between them until she gets up and sits across from Peter, rolling her eyes. Still, you try your best to run him through the actions you both had planned - the names, the setups you needed to execute them, everything. If something happens to Peter, you’ll never forgive yourself.

And then, cutting through your soft promptings to Peter and his equally soft replies, Bucky’s voice. “Leave it, Steve. Until after this mission.” Even Tony looks up from his tablet, curiosity piqued. Their faces are both red, set hard and angry at each other and your stomach drops. What the hell is going on that Steve ‘Till The End Of The Line Rogers is fighting with Bucky You And Me, Pal Barnes? You must shift, or lean too far into Steve’s eyesight, because for the first time in what feels like years he is looking directly at you - and seeing you, too. It makes your pulse jump and, almost instinctively, you want to reach out and ground yourself on the rubber of the seat underneath you.

You don’t get the chance, though, because Steve speaks. “No, why should I? This is clearly affecting the team.” He’s still looking - glaring - at you like you’ve done something wrong. “What’s the point of waiting? I’ve been waiting to talk about this.”

“Bo, I don’t think this is the time,” Bucky looks over his shoulder at you, then, and you know what’s coming. You know that it’s time, that Steve is about to break up with you in front of your teammates. Your friends. Your family. You steel yourself for the anguish you’re about to feel and then jerk your chin out, hardening your resolve.

“Buck, it’s fine. If Steve wants to address something, he can.”

Natasha says your name, a low warning over the hum of the quinjet. “I think he should wait.”

“Well, I’m not goin’ to wait!” Steve unbuckles himself and stands, “I have tried waiting, and look at where that has gotten me.” He puts his hands on his hips and puffs out a breath. You unbuckle and stand, too, unsure of where this is going. “You need to,” He holds one hand out, pointing at you while his voice shakes. You notice his hand is shaking, too, but fractionally. If you didn’t know Steve as well as you do you may have never noticed it. “You need to get it together.”

“I need to get it together?” You question, eyebrows nearly hitting the ceiling with how fast they shoot up. You’re not totally sure you’ve heard him right because what do you have to get together? The broken shards of your relationship? The information and research for your final paper? The awful way you’ve let yourself be treated for what seems like forever?

“You heard me,” Steve says, at the same time Bucky leans his head back and groans deep in his chest. “What? Someone had to say it.”

“We should wait for this,” Nat speaks up again, but lifelessly. She knows now that you and Steve are both on the warpath, neither of you are going to stop. (That’s also why the two of you work together as a couple so well. Very rarely are you both so worked up about something that you can’t back down, so the other is always there to meet you halfway and get you back to earth.)

“No, no, no,” You say, near hysterically, “No, he wants to do this now? Before a mission? Instead of the fuckin’ weeks we had to hash whatever crawled up his ass and died out? Be my guest. He’s already dragged everyone into this by treating me like a pariah.” You’re not sneering, but your teeth are gritted so tightly together you can hear them scraping and feel a tension headache beginning to bloom in your temples. Bucky looks… Almost incredulous at your statement. Like putting the blame on Steve is a dick move or something.

“Oh, so I’m the bad guy here?” Steve is curling his lip, glaring at you. There’s something behind his eyes, but he’s buried it so deep that you can’t reach it and figure out what it is. “I’m the bad guy, right. Right, right, right.” He scoffs, shakes his head, and then he’s running his fingers through his hair like he really can’t believe what you’re saying to him.

“Well, what else am I supposed to think?” You throw your hands out to the side and let them slap back down on your thighs. “You ignore me, you make me feel like shit, you talk down to me like I’m some insignificant foot soldier. How else am I supposed to take that, Steve?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe ask me what’s wrong? Maybe ask me why I’m acting like this, instead of ignoring all of your problems like a child?” He mirrors your moments, but the sound his hands make when they hit the outside of his suit is more powerful than yours. Fueled by anger, you think. Anger and whatever the hell was in the serum Erskine pumped into Steve.

“Ask you?” You repeat, near-hysterical, “Ask you? Oh yeah, let me get right on that. Hey, Mister Rogers? Mister Captain America? Mister Ignores-His-Partner-For-God-Knows-Why? Hey, just why are you doin’ that?” You’re surprised that you’ve said something so snotty, but you don’t back down. (Steve looks surprised, too, and Bucky has stood up next to his friend like he’s about to start berating you as well. At least he looks more cautious about it, like he’s not totally sure that this fight should be happening.)

The more surprising part of your fight is how fast it’s shut down. Tony and Nat stand at the same time and exchange a glance like they’ve surprised each other. “That’s enough,” Tony starts.

Nat cuts him off. “I don’t care if you fight this one out instead of talking, but if you do it before this recon mission you two are going to blow it. Do you understand me?” She looks dangerous, the sharp edge of a knife spiraling through the air. You force yourself to look away from her, from Tony, from Bucky, from Steve. She’s right. You know she’s right - especially on this mission. Peter is there, going to be in real danger even though there’s not supposed to be one Hydra agent in a four-mile radius. You have to clear your mind and focus on protecting him.

Steve seems to think the same thing because he stands down. When you watch him collapse in on himself, Bucky’s arms around his shoulders, into the little quinjet seats your everything aches. Heart, lungs, eyes - everything. Even though you don’t know what’s going on, what could have possibly happened to make your relationship sink this quickly and out of the blue, you still love him. He’s still The One for you. You still want to be the one to comfort him and make him feel whole when he’s struggling.

But you can’t. You can’t and it kills you.

The heat of battle makes a lot of things fade into the background. Important things like why the fuck are there Hydra agents here? and Steve is going to break up with you when you get back on the jet and Tony swore on the fucking limited edition AC/DC vintage tour poster he has in his office that this would be an easy in/easy out information mission. None of that matters, though, because you’re in deep shit. There are seventeen of them, all primed to the teeth with weapons made to take your team down permanently.

You’re practically glued to Peter, calling out commands and plans for him to initiate. It’s when all of your plans fall through that you take a hit from a heavy fist on purpose, hitting the ground hard. “Plan F, Spidey, Plan F!” You cover the instruction with a groan and then you’re back on your feet, working your way toward him.

“Plan F?” Tony says, somewhere above you in his suit. Your comms crackle ominously as another heat-seeking grenade is launched, interfering with the radio waves your tech relies on. You don’t worry about it, because you know Tony is on it. He’s your eyes in the sky.

Peter is the one who answers his question, watching your close hand-to-hand tilt out of your favor briefly. “Plan Fuck It, Mister Stark.” He grunts as he webs up a Hydra agent, jerking him away from where he was about to slip a knife up and under Natasha’s kevlar. You finally drop the guy in front of you, ignoring Steve’s disappointed Language! and toss one of your knives toward Nat for her to use. Tony is still laughing in your ear, wheezing as he drops down and snags the rifle from one of the snipers and then takes back off.

What your little protégé failed to mention about Plan F is that it’s not just chaos, but controlled chaos. You let loose, letting a soft current cover every inch of your skin as Peter switches to his conductive webbing and takes special care to not web any of his allies. Except for you - if you’re in the way and he catches you in a web it doesn’t matter because you’re you, alive with electricity that drops the men that get caught in the web, too. You rip out of the webs and turn the current off when one of your teammates gets too close.

More Hydra agents are pouring out of the woods, topping out their numbers around twenty-five. That’s twenty-five too many in your opinion, especially when you can see Peter getting tired, his anxiety spiking, his moves having more and more hesitation behind them. You need to get this over with quickly, but you don’t have the options to do that. Steve, Bucky, and Nat are really the heavy-hitters - you, Pete, and Tony are the only ones without serums despite all of your individual abilities. Desperately you reach out for a web that’s still connected to Peter’s arms, pulling him out of the way of a baton that’s about to come down on the back of his neck.

The baton the agent is wielding glints in the coming dusk, freezing you as Peter scrambles past you with a quick apology. You’ve seen that before - seen it, felt it, know it like the back of your hand. There’s no way that you could ever forget that weapon. The man stumbles when his hit doesn’t connect but then rights himself and searches for a new target.

A long, black baton that splits into two prongs at the end is heavy in his hand. Electricity crackles between the bulbs at the end, flashing in the setting sun and your memories. The man only has one, but if it was hooked up to a machine, spinning. If there were four, five, six. If you were pinned between them, screaming in the pain as they rewrote your DNA… You’ve only felt it once, but you’ll never forget it.

And now, you’ll taste it again. On purpose this time. The man holding the stun baton is going for Steve’s back - his strong back, the one that protects people, the one that holds the weight of the world, the one that lays in your bed, the one you see whipping out of rooms as you’re entering just so that he doesn’t have to look at you - and you can’t let that happen. It only takes ten amps to kill a regular human, but you know those things are cranked up to twenty minimum. You don’t want to see how many amps of current it will take to stop Steve’s heart. You’re between the baton and Steve before you can think about what you’re doing or what comes next, the hard bulbs settling unyielding into your side and cranking out maximum power for maximum damage as soon as the current is connected and able to flow from one bulb to the other.

The pain hits you and your throat catches on it. It burns through your body, setting everything on fire - your chest hurts as your heart protests the electrons and then your powers kick in, sweeping them into your very atoms and cells. You’re a live wire now, ears humming and body thrumming with power you’ve only dreamed of. It hurts, and it burns, and you feel tears rising in your eyes because you’re back there - back begging for death or for life or for God and god at the same time - but then it’s over. The man sees that you’re not seizing up, not dropping dead in front of him, and he takes three steps back.

It’s not far enough.

You’ve only felt like this once before - right after you were unhooked from the machine that changed your life and brought you to your new family. You remember how you looked when you were put in front of a mirror with all of the pent up electricity circling your body - how your eyes were filled to the brim and dripping with bright and blue electricity, the way it was jumping across your body, how you didn’t need to breathe because your body was fully saturated with pure, unadulterated power. You wonder if you look like that now and assume you do because you can see the bright blue reflecting in the terrified eyes of the Hydra agent.

Your suit, unlike everyone else’s, is not grounded. It’s metal, metal, metal. You’re made to conduct, born for it, and the earth beneath you comes alive with bright white as you release all of the energy, the power, surges down and out. You’re practiced. You can reach out and feel the synapses and neurons of every human being in the clearing, know exactly where your teammates are standing, and know exactly how to target everything but them and the pitiful amount of electricity their brains carry. You grin, something truly feral and unhinged, and you can see the fear in the Hydra agent. Then, you let go.

You know that everyone is going to be pissed. (Maybe not everyone.) You’re not built for this, not made to take down nearly twenty fucking people at once. As you let go, you feel what they feel. The seizing muscles, the stopping of their hearts, the inside of their bodies crisping against their bones. At that moment, that delicious moment, you see the universe.

You become God. You become everything - your mother and your father and God and god and anyone else who’s watching your life from the ether. You become the judge, jury, and executioner of souls that you don’t know from Adam. You become lightning, and thunder, and exposed nerves of the cosmos at the same time. The world bends to your will and you relish in it, taking that power in your fist and wielding it to protect the man you’ll love for the rest of your life and the family that you’ve made. You will stop at nothing to end this, even if it means turning yourself inside out to do it.

You damn near do turn yourself inside out too, but that doesn’t matter, does it? The blood spilling from your ears, nose, and eyes feels like heaven. It’s hot, and thick, and it’s proof of the power that your body holds. You’re a temple and a sanctuary, a war-room and a bunker, a field of flowers and a sun-dry desert. It does not matter if Steve doesn’t love you at that moment, because you are love and hate wrapped into one package. You are everything and nothing, spread thin at the beginning and the end of time.

And then none of that is true. You are just… You. Standing in a clearing, surrounded by twenty-something dead Hydra agents and your terrified, terrified family. It hurts to breathe and you can taste blood in your mouth, but that’s an afterthought. Steve is still standing behind you, but he is alive. That is what matters.

This is what love is, you think.

Pain and pleasure.

Even if he leaves you, you will always love him.

Pain and pleasure.

You’re weak at the knees when he finally turns to see you - and you’re a sight. Struggling to stand, fingertips blackened with soot but not burnt, blood pouring from your nose, ears, eyes… You look like death, but you feel like life. Someone says something behind you - Peter, maybe? Or maybe Tony, in your comms? - but you don’t hear it. Everything tunnels out, your weak knees finally collapsing as you keel backward.

Steve bears down upon you almost immediately. You’re halfway to unconsciousness when he wraps you up in his arms, keeping you from falling in with the pile of bodies around you. He’s saying your name, harsh and soft and then in a voice like he’s ordering you to wake up. You loll about as he drops you down onto a patch of clear grass, hands searching your body for wounds. When he skims over your side, where the baton has burnt through your suit and your flesh, you surge back toward being able to have cohesive thoughts. The pain brings you back, hands wrapping around Steve’s arm and calling out his name. “Steve! Fuck, that hurts!”

“Honey,” He breathes, “Fuck, we have to get you back to the jet.” His jaw ticks, hair dirty and loose from its normal style. “Why’d you do that?” Steve doesn’t wait for an answer from you, ordering Peter to web something up to carry you over your protests.

“I’m fine,” You argue, only slurring slightly, “I feel fine.” But you’re going to let Nat and Bucky load you up on the webbed stretcher anyway because it’s the first time Steve has cared for you in a long time. You want to relish in this moment, the way that he didn't say your name but called you honey.

Well, and because Natasha slides a thumb across her neck over Steve’s shoulder in a silent threat.

You groan when Bucky accidentally grabs your calf where there is an absolutely awful stab wound, but you wave off his apology. “How could you have known?” To be honest, you hadn’t even known it was there until his Vibranium hand was slipping against it and sending shockwaves of pain through you. Peter is next to you the whole time that you’re being carried back to the jet - Tony staying back to begin scanning the bodies of the Hydra agents for the information you need and any other information they may be carrying. The poor kid is nearly at a breakdown, so you reach out to him and shake his arm when his fingers twine with yours. “Chill out, kid, I don’t know how you got it into your head that this is your fault, but it sure isn’t.” He sniffles, but hands back with Steve as Bucky and Nat get you situated in the small medical room of the jet. They transfer you and then make to leave, only Bucky hesitating near the door.

“Stevie’s goin’ to be here soon and… I don’t know what made you do what you did but you have’t explain it to him. He’s bendin’ over backwards to figure it out, and we don’t have’a clue. Came out’a nowhere.” He looks at you for another moment before shaking his head and stepping out of the room. Your head is spinning, partially from what Bucky just said and partially from the pain and stimulus of electricity. You wait there, then, because this is it. This is the event horizon. You wait there, eyes closed, until you hear footsteps approach the med room, and then the door slowly opens. Steve says your name, holding all the finality and weight of an atomic bomb. You don’t open your eyes until he swings a chair next to the stretcher and lays a hand on your calf.

“You don’t have to do this,” You finally say, pushing yourself up onto your elbows to watch him. “I know that you don’t want to.” Steve only scoffs and begins to wash the stab wound using a packet of soap and a water bottle. You say his name twice before he looks at you, something between hate and hurt curdling into a glaze over his eyes that stops you in your tracks.

“Just let me do this. It is the least that you can do.” His words are painful and stilted, like it’s taking force to push them past his teeth. You lay back down and close your eyes, content to just feel the pain of Steve beginning to stitch you up and then dress the wound before you feel the pain of Steve leaving you like you knew he always would. (Falling in love with Steve Rogers went against every instinct you had. You knew that he was going to hurt you from the first moment your lips touched his.)

When he’s done he sits back and puts his elbows on his knees, head in his hands. He heaves a heavy sigh and then shakes it off, “I’ll dress your burn, and then we’ll talk.” And normally, yes, you would agree but this is too important. You want to get it over with so you can lick your wounds metaphorically and dress them literally - and then you want to go home, you want to pack your bags, and you want to disappear and remake your life somewhere else.

Some far-off place where everyone you know won’t take one look at your face and know that you’re still painfully, deeply in love with Steve Rogers, end of your semester be damned. Family you’ve made be damned. You can’t sit around and be in love with him like a neon sign on a dark highway while it’s painfully clear that he hasn’t had a sign on his highway in a long time.

So instead of agreeing, you swing your legs over the stretcher and swallow your flinch when the burn pulls tight. Steve opens his mouth to argue but you give him a tight-lipped shake of your head and his jaw snaps shut. “No,” You say, voice not giving in to the emotion swirling in your chest. “I have let this go on long enough.”

It’s the wrong thing to say because Steve fucking scoffs again and looks away from you. “One day was long enough.” He says, cutting straight to your core. Okay, ouch. You take a deep breath and shake your head to try and bite back the tears that are inevitably rising in your eyes. If one day was long enough for him to realize he doesn’t want to be with you, why did he let it go on for nearly a full year? Why did he spend so long leading you on, pulling you by a thread before garroting your heart with it? What was the point?

“If you want to leave me, just say that,” You reply harshly, standing and wobbling away from him. He just watches you go, watches the way you struggle past the lead weights your muscles have become, the way you’re starting to feel the stab wound on your leg, the way the skin on your burn is beginning to blister and only just now losing its heat. He just watches you, where the Steve that loved you once upon a time might have helped. You turn your back on him, hands on your hips so that you can hide the way that you’re crying and your hands are shaking.

“If I want to leave you? If?” He says. You hear the scrape of his chair as he stands, “I think after what you’ve done, it’s not an if, sweetheart.” The way he says it tastes like iron. Steve never calls you sweetheart like he never calls you by your name. It’s always honey, lover, dovie. You don’t turn to face him because you’re struggling to keep yourself above water. “I spent so long thinkin’, wonderin’, askin’ myself - God damnit, will you look at me?” You turn slowly, not because you’ve never heard Steve speak like that but because his voice is desperate and raw. When you turn, you’re not sure what to expect. Maybe him, standing in front of you, broad-shouldered and disappointed like in those PSA’s he had to film once. Maybe he’d be angry, hands clenched at his sides and eyes narrowed like he gets in meetings when he doesn’t agree with something but he’s out-voted. But you never expect to see him crying, lip wobbling, folded in on himself like a young boy instead of the strong, invincible man you’ve come to love.

He looks so different.

It hits you, then, that you’re not looking at Steve Rogers. Not really. He's not Steve Rogers, not Captain America, not even Captain Rogers. You see him as he was - before America spat it’s untruths all over him and injected him with a serum that changed who he was, is, will be. He’s not the able-bodied man that you know, not strong and unreachable, not the heartthrob that overshadows the team during press events. He’s not America’s Darling, not really. Not where it counts.

You’re looking at Stevie Rogers. Stevie Rogers who, for all intents and purposes, was supposed to die before he made it out of toddlerhood or soon thereafter. Stevie Rogers who the doctors said wasn’t supposed to survive. Stevie Rogers who grew up sickly, rattling painful breaths and never playing ball with the neighborhood boys. Who couldn’t walk until middle school when he got his braces off. Who never had a partner because Bucky, strong and handsome and tall Bucky, was always deemed the better option. Who believed in his country so much that he tried to sneak into the second world war, subjected himself to a painful medical procedure so that he could change his very DNA to be what the world wanted him to be.

Captain Steve Rogers. Captain America. Strong, blond, patriotic, resilient.

You’re sure that if men don’t want to go to therapy now, in the modern age, they certainly didn’t want to go in the ‘40s. So where did that leave Steve, your Steve, standing in front of you and looking small, and broken, and sad, and alone? Did they expect him to take his new, taller, working body and run with it? Did they not think about how he would lose a part of himself in the process? How did they expect him to go from disabled to abled without some disconnect?

You think about the You That You Were Before and the You That You Are Now, and how you lost a part of yourself when the accident gave you your powers and how you’d lose yourself if someone figured out a way to take them away. You Before formed your identity around being normal - living in a shitty home with shitty parents, sure, but normal - and You Now form your identity around your powers, your team, your job, your love. If you lost those things, what did you have left? Who would you be?

When Steve lost his identity and became everything that America wanted everyone to think that America was, what did he have left? Sure, he could tell himself that he represents America - strong and patriotic and just - but it must have conflicted with everything he knew about himself before that. You know that disabled people now know that American society is unjust, unfit for them with abled people not willing to make room to allow them to thrive. You can only imagine what it was really like for Steve in the ‘20s and ‘30s and ‘40s. What he had to do just to survive. (Medical experimentation, you remind yourself. Did they know it wouldn’t kill him? Did they know his body wouldn’t rip itself apart with the new sinewy muscle they were packing on? Did they care? Or was he just a body they saw as broken? A project to fix? To turn him into something more like them and call it patriotism?)

You shake your head at him, still filled with despair, and try to figure out what he’s talking about. “Stevie,” You start, pet name easily replacing what you had been calling him because it’s not fair to shoe-horn him into a body that doesn’t feel like his own. You wonder if he still expects the bone-grinding pain that he used to tell you would happen when it rains. He raises a hand, a strong and family hand, shaking his head.

“I just need to know why I wasn’t enough for you,” Steve looks sad, slouching in on himself like he’s expecting to get his ass handed to him in another alleyway and hope Bucky is there to save him. “I need to know why you wouldn’t just break up with me if you wanted to see other people so badly.” You suck in a shocked breath because, okay, that’s not what you were expecting. Between that and the paradigm shift you’ve had on how Steve must view his identity, body, and self, you’re stunned. Steve continues like he doesn’t even register that you look shocked and pale and now you’re crying because he thinks you’re cheating on him? “And I get it. I get it. You have no idea how much I understand. If I were you, I wouldn’t want me either, okay?”

You cut him off there because what the actual God damn fuck is he talking about? “No, Stevie, I’m not cheating on you.” You shake your head again and this, your statement, lights a fire in him. He still looks like Stevie rather than Steve, but there’s anger there. You imagine that’s what it might have looked like moments before he got himself in trouble back before he was serumed. “I’m not.”

“Oh, yeah?” He challenges, jaw ticking and chin jerking up, “Oh, yeah? You can’t lie to me. I know, okay? The act is up, it’s over, I know, okay? You can stop pretending.”

“Steve, I do not fucking know what you’re talking about but I”m not cheating on you!” You raise your voice, not really angry but more out of necessity. You need to get it out of his head that he is anything less than everything you want - that you could possibly love anyone more than you love him.

“I wanted to clarify something for you,” Steve says like he’s reading an old script from when he was just a beefy, red/white/blue stage prop for the American military, “I am excited to meet with you, but there are some rules. Do not talk about Captain Steve Rogers. I don’t want to hear about him,” As he continues to recite something that has clearly hurt him, you go lax. You know exactly what’s happened - your fists unclench, your jaw drops a little bit, and it feels like someone has gutted you, “I think it is wise to keep work and pleasure separate, and it’s a rule I will enforce heavily. I look forward to seeing you again.” He’s sneering at the end, tears falling down his ruddy cheeks.

“Steve,” You try again, but he cuts you off.

“Am I just work for you?” His voice is shaking more than you thought possible, and so are his hands. You’ve never seen Steve so off-kilter, so thrown, and it breaks your heart that yes, technically, you’re the cause of this. Before this, before this horrible misunderstanding, your relationship with Steve was the paragon of trust so neither of you cared if the other read emails or texts. You remember the email - the email from your fucking college professor - because it had made you so angry that he’d referred to your relationship with Steve as something as simple and base as just pleasure - like you could even put words to the galaxy of a relationship you had with Steve - that you’d gone to the gym to work off some of that irritation. You hadn’t wanted to take it out on anyone accidentally. When you came back from the gym, Steve was gone on that two-week mission that he’d left on without saying goodbye.

Oh, God. You feel sick to your stomach as the paradigm of the way that Steve’s been treating you shifts violently to the left. You have to physically hold yourself up and try to speak past the lump in your throat. Steve looks… Brokenly smug. Like he knows he’s right, but he’d rather gnaw his own legs off than be right.

“No,” You croak, “No, Steve, you’ve got it all wrong.” You want to reach for him, but it feels like the room is closing in on you. You’re second-guessing everything now - especially what you’ve just said. How many people said the exact same thing to him pre-serum because they said something meant for Bucky to him? How many times did he hear that when he was getting a new diagnosis, hoping for the best? How many times had his own mother said it to him when he told her something someone had said, fresh-faced and not yet used to the way that abled people sometimes treated disabled people? You think you might be sick. “That email was from my professor, Steve. I’m not cheating on you, I’d never.” He laughs darkly and sits back down in his chair, head in his hands again. You try to gather the strength to move toward him when you see his shoulders shaking, a telltale sign that he’s crying.

“A professor,” He says with a watery laugh, “Right.”

Finally, you realize that he needs you, needs to know you love him, that you’d do anything for him. You can iron out the kinks later - figure out why he didn’t want to come to talk to you past the original hurt, why he treated you so coldly, why he didn’t trust that you wouldn’t do this to him - but now, you need to show him that you’re here. That you choose him. That you’ll always choose him.

You make your way to him and set a shaking hand on his shoulder. For a brief second you think he’s going to shake you off but then Steve’s hand shoots up and latches onto where your hand is resting, dipping his head to press against your arm. “Stevie, please,” You say, unsure of what you’re asking him to do, “I picked up a class, just one, and it’s… I picked it up for you, it’s about the ‘30s and ‘40s and…” He looks up at you and he looks so broken - face ruddy and wet with tears, lip wobbling, chest heaving as he tries to not sob. His brows are knit and he looks confused, “I just wanted to be able to understand you better. You had to leave so much of yourself at the door when you joined the Avengers, had to leave so much of yourself in the ice… In Erskine’s lab… Stevie, I just wanted you to be able to be you when you’re with me. I wanted to know the you that you were before you became Captain America.” Your voice is shaking, knees knocking together, and honestly? You feel like you might blackout.

“What?” He rasps, “What?”

“He sent that email because too many kids signed up for his class thinking that they’d be able to look at pictures of you and Buck for a semester. Emailed me directly because he knows we’re…” You choke on your words, shaking your head because you’re not even sure there’s a we anymore, “Because he knows I’m on the team. Didn’t want me walking in and making his class about just a few years in the ‘30s and ‘40s rather than the culture of the time.” You don’t know how else to explain it to him, but Steve isn’t saying anything - practically isn’t moving or breathing- so you continue to try and explain what’s really happening as best as you can, “And - and that email made me so angry because he singled me out, didn’t email anyone else about it, and I left to try and work some of that out; I didn’t want to take it out on you, or let it spoil - let it spoil… But when I came back from the gym, you were gone. You were gone for two weeks and I didn’t know why.” You’re crying harder now and pretty sure that within the next sixty seconds you’re going to collapse if you don’t sit down.

Steve shakes his head, still looking like he doesn’t understand. “What?” He says for a third time, “A class? A college class?”

“I just wanted to feel closer to you,” You confess, “Just wanted to understand a fraction of your life without making you do the heavy liftin’ and teachin’ me. Shouldn’t have’t do that,” You’re sobbing, barely biting out your words as you realize that something you’ve done to strengthen your relationship with Steve has destroyed it, “Shouldn’t have to explain a whole different time just to feel loved, Stevie. Should be able to be with someone who understands without you havin’ to explain.” You’re not sure you can say Peggy’s name out loud, and you hope he understands what you’re saying without making you actually say it, “Should’a been able to have love with someone who knew, and I know I’m nothin’ compared to what you should’a had, but I want to be. I want to be in the same ballpark instead’a watchin’ from the stands.” You wipe your face with your free hand and look away from Steve when he stands in front of you. You don’t want to see the look on his face - what he’s thinking about what you’ve said.

He says your name and you glance at him, but his expression stops him in your tracks. Where Steve looked broken and hurt and fuming with anger to hide the anguish, now he looks stricken. You shake your head, “No, no. I didn’t say that to make you feel guilty-”

“You think that I care about whether or not you can understand the ‘40s?” He cuts you off, hands moving to curl around your biceps, “You think that I care whether or not you can relate to a time in history when you weren’t even thought of?”

“Of course I love you. I love you more than anything in this world, but you shouldn’t have to not care, Steve,” You argue, shaking your head, “That’s what I’m trying to say. You should be with someone who understands without explanation. I just wanted to give that to you - didn’t know that this would happen.”

“I should be with someone who loves me,” He argues back, “If you love me, that’s all that matters. My past be damned.”

“But your past is you!” You try to pull away from Steve, but he anchors you there. You’re dizzy from being so close to him after this long, but also because of how many different twists this situation has taken. You can barely keep up with how bad your communication with Steve has become - barely keep up with how you need to fix it, or how to fix it. “Your past is you,” You repeat when you realize that Steve isn’t going to let you go. “And you shouldn’t have to give that up so that someone will love you.”

“But you love me,” He says desperately, ducking his head so that he’s nearly nose to nose with you, “You love me, right?”

“More than anything,” You say, closing your eyes and relishing in the feeling of being so close to Steve, “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I don’t care about what anyone else thinks, or anyone else. I’ll even stop goin’ to class if you want me to - Steve, I just can’t do this anymore. Can’t do this thing where you don’t talk to me about what’s botherin’ you.” You’re choking up, barely whispering, but you know he hears you. YOu can feel his warm breath on your face, “Nearly fuckin’ killed me.”

“I thought it was goin’ to be easier,” He breathes, nose bumping yours, “When you eventually decided to leave me for him. Thought I was savin’ myself some trouble.” You can practically taste his tears as they fall again, “Buck and Nat tried to tell me that you weren’t - that you wouldn’t - but I just couldn’t believe them.”

When you open your eyes, his are closed. This close to him you can see the soft freckles that are blooming over his eyelids, his soft eyelashes kissing his cheekbones. You can feel him breathing, feel him nearly pressed against you in a way that feels hauntingly nostalgic and terrifyingly fleeting; like you’ll be able to feel his warmth for years to come, but he’s about to disappear. “That’s okay,” You finally whisper, “It’s okay that you didn’t believe them. That you thought what you thought. It’s okay.” He shakes his head against yours, opening his mouth to protest, but you refuse to let him feel guilty about feeling this way - you have plenty of time to sit him down and talk to him candidly about the way he acted because of these feelings, anyway. “If I would have been in your place I’m not sure I would have believed them.”

“I treated you so badly…” He shifts and wraps his arms around you. It’s almost immediate - you relax into his arms and wind yours around his waist, keeping him pulled against you as he presses his face into your neck and you press your cheek against his chest. “So awfully.”

“We’ll talk about that, okay? But later. Right now you just need to know that I love you, Steve. I love you more than I can tell you - more than I can express.” You want to kiss him, but you can’t. Can’t kiss him, you need to wait for him to kiss you, for him to close that gap and show you that he still loves you like you love him. “We’ll have to have a talk, a long and hard conversation about this, Stevie, but for now… For now, I’m just content to be with you, okay? MIssed you so much.”

He sighs, nose pressing against yours again. “Missed you too, dovie. Missed you more than I can even say,” His voice breaks as his lips brush yours. Your relationship is not without its flaws and problems - Steve’s actions when he thought you were cheating on him are proof of that and, well, the fact that you didn’t realize what was happening, why it was happening, or a large part of your boyfriend’s psychological makeup having an impact on your relationship while it went unknown by you… There is a lot of work for the two of you to do, a lot of work to do, a lot of communication to be done… But you’d do it all for Steve, over and over again.

When he presses forward and presses his lips gently to yours, you know that he’ll do it all for you, over and over again, too.

[forget-mad-not]

warning: lightheartedly controversial rambling about the Markiplier Connected Universe? Kinda. Just a silly idea, really.

EDIT from the future: there was a member mixer minutes ago, and you know what? I'm not that salty anymore. Thanks, Mark.

“Most things in this story - like I said - the story is the lore. But there are some doors that this opens backwards in time, and connects backwards.”

Okay. So I don't exactly want to talk about yesterday's ISWM explanation stream, because frankly, as much as I love Mark's ADHD ramblings and love-himnus about his own projects, I'm so pissed off about some of the things that were (and weren't) explained.

(In my opinion, it's not good storytelling when you use the most clearly interpretable elements of your allusion system, built up over years, in the arc of a character's story, and then laugh at the fact that those clearly interpretable clues were taken by the audience to be exactly what they would otherwise imply. I get the joke, poking fun at the audience, haha, nerds, but you're still not right, haha, ThAt'S nOt AcToR MaRk, SiLlY!

No. You can be cryptic, you can mislead the audience all you want, you can use red herrings, as was done brilliantly with Dorene and Celci. But for the love of Wug. Be consistent.)

What I would talk about, however, is that perhaps Space can help us see more clearly the place of upcoming, future projects within the MCU (Markiplier Connected Universe).

I mean, when you have an embedded, meta-interpretable core story as the basis for your lore, like Who Killed Markiplier?, it's very hard to tell any story or do any project where you don't immediately ask the question: okay, but how does this connect to the core story? How does it relate to the main lore?

And, indeed, it can be terribly frustrating to any creative process when, even if a project stands on its own two feet, an origin story is so firmly attached to everything that it seems impossible to detach it, which is sometimes absolutely necessary. (I seem to recall Mark expressing his opposition to this as well. Roughly paraphrased: "I don't want WKM? to be the most dominant thing on the channel.")

However, the way Space has made the multiverse within the MCU a multifaceted canon, a very elegant solution to the problem has become available.

Is there a story that exists just like that, on its own? Cool. All you have to do: show three seconds of the blue swirling wormhole at the beginning of the video. That's it. Visual storytelling: it's an alternate universe where either the other written and unwritten rules of the channel or the basics of the lore don't apply.

And suddenly everyone would be happy: Mark could continue to create whatever his big creative brain wanted, unafraid of the shadow of that ominous backstory, and we viewers would be left with a much clearer guideline for watching and interpreting the story, and the unpleasant frustration of last night would be avoided for many people. (Again, I get the joke. I still don't see it as beneficial.)

So... Yeah. That's all for now.

P.S.: yes, it's workable that the story of Actor Mark and Head Engineer Mark is just playing with parallels, and it also makes for interesting stories for the future. But then again, can you blame anyone for a possible misinterpretation (if there is one) once it doesn't fit into the existing (wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey) ruleset in this way?

[sweetmaple]

Okay. Hi. It's almost July. (It is now actually July, but it was June when I wrote this. Whoops.) I just finished In Space with Markiplier. I have so many feelings and now it's everyone else's problem.

To be clear, I haven't yet done my customary ending-hunting for part 2 at the time of drafting this because I got what I'm certain is the best possible one the first time and had to sit down for a minute.

I don't post much about Marker-Pliers, despite having watched his stuff regularly for an amount of time that makes me feel old for my relatively small amount of years, but this time I gotta say something. I've become increasingly impressed over the years by his ever-growing Markiplier Cinematic Universe, his lengthy list of Egos, and the way his creative visions (and his budgets) seem to grow and complicate themselves in new and interesting ways each time he comes out with a new project. I'm sure that if (when?) he makes more content for the MCU we will all be falling over ourselves again in wonder/astonishment/praise, etc, and MatPat will be shaking in his boots trying to fathom how the new content fits into the existing lore. For now, we have ISWM. And I think it is the best thing Mark has done to date.

Part One of ISWM feels fairly standard. It has the choose-your-own-adventure format we've come to know and love, it has maddening easter eggs, references to past channel lore, goofs and gags, all the good stuff. I could tell it was trying to pose a more significant question to watchers than previous adventures, but it didn't push me to think especially deeply. I fucked around, but I hadn't yet found out.

Part Two....Part Two got me good. My choices mattered more and yet I had even less idea of what would happen when I made a decision. The identical branches of wormhole obfuscated my future so I had no way to predict how my choices would affect my path until I'd already acted. I could even make the same choice without knowing I was doing so, thereby perpetuating the loops I was stuck in. (An unconscious replication of the cycle of abuse, perhaps; an interesting callout to those of us who have been in that situation before, and possibly a reference to something that may have been part of Mark's journey as well.) I tried to follow Mark for a while and choose the paths that he fell through, but that quickly became impossible when other important characters like the Lady fell in the opposite hole (what if I was supposed to follow her instead? Did she hold the key to solving this whole mess?), or I witnessed multiple Marks going in opposite directions. I couldn't please everybody. I couldn't always make the right choice. Snap decisions are hard for me, especially when I know I could potentially hurt someone, and choosing blind only to discover I've repeated an old pattern was discouraging, to say the least.

But I had something no one else had: a back button.

What kind of power is that? And what kind of world is it where only one person has it? Most of all, why me? Putting us the audience in that situation is like, what? I am God? Except I'm just some guy. Knowing I'm just some guy and I never wanted to be much more than some guy, really, maybe learn how to love well and take care of my friends and my community, and I was just trying to get people to safety as well as I could, but now I'm here and somehow I've become immortal, and yet everyone seems to know more about what I'm doing than I do, or if they don't then they place all of their trust in me anyway, and I still have to make choices that are potentially world-ending -

And that's how it feels to grow up. That kind of terror. I'm told I stand at the crux of everything and I look at all the people around me who made all the wrong choices but they can't or won't tell me how they got there and I am still expected to choose. Now.

And at the end of it all, when I've made all the wrong choices despite my power and I've hurt so many people and I can't even know how far-reaching the consequences of my actions are because I'm just so small in comparison to all the things I've done to the universes, and who decided it was a good idea to give me this much power anyway - after I see the despair and confusion and pain and regret and guilt I feel reflected on the face of a human being I've held and comforted in my arms as he wept, lifetimes ago - after I wake up behind the same glass door of the cryo-chamber that I've seen a hundred times and feel the drop of a stone into my gut at the thought that it might have been meaningless, that I was unable to save even one person from pain - after all that, do you know what Mark says when we choose to Hold On?

"Thank you. For, uh, not giving up on me. Just...thank you."

And I am rewarded by what happens when you hope.

I step out of that formerly hellish frozen portal to the faces of my crew. They are smiling. They chatter amongst themselves. The colony made it to our new planet after all. I took care of my community. We took care of each other. The satisfaction and pride I feel has no words, only a swelling in my chest that feels too big for my bones as I accept my mistakes and realize that, without all the stumbling and the opportunities I misjudged, I never would have made it here at all.

So, in fits and starts, we come to the end. Always fearfully looking over our shoulders towards the past, always rooted in the steps we take in the present, always with eyes shining in wonder and hope as we consider the many permutations of the future. The end credits roll as I sit back on my bed, slowly coming out of the world Mark has created. I breathe. I reflect on the journey I have taken, with him and with many other people, whether they knew it or not. I open up a blank document and start to write.

[lokeanwelcomingcommittee]

I have a question. I've been watching Lokis film (marvel movies) and i really loved Lokis character. I don't know why others call him evil. I really loved him. I wanted to know does real loki and marvel loki related to each other? And i really want to talk or meet real one . Is this possible? Even i don't have an spacial religion can i still be in contact with loki and talk to him?

Hi Nonny,

I admire your enthusiasm, and I know you probably didn't intend to be offensive in any way, but please take a step back for a moment and think about how this comes across.

In a hypothetical scenario where you had zero background in Christianity, could you see yourself going to a Christian after binging Good Omens and saying, "Hey, that Aziraphale guy was pretty cool in Good Omens! I've done no further research and have no intention of becoming a Christian, but would it be okay if I prayed to one of your holy figures?" Yes, I am aware that Aziraphale doesn't actually exist in Christianity, but that's the point. Without researching the actual religion, you wouldn't know!

If you wouldn't do this, why do you consider it okay here? Is it because you see our faith as less serious or less real? If so, why do you want to interact with one of our gods in the first place?

If you actually would, can you maybe see how self-centered this view of religion is? How maybe taking people's sincerely held beliefs, conflating them with comedic works of fiction, and asking them for access to their sacred rites without any obligation to follow their traditions or honor their sacredness might be rude?

The MCU barely resembles actual Norse myth or Heathen religion at all. The character of Loki in the MCU barely resembles the Loki of Norse myth or Heathen religion, in terms of divine role or relationships with the other gods or even basic personality traits. Here's a post that lists some of the most glaring differences, but it's far from an exhaustive list.

To be clear, there's nothing wrong with first learning about Loki through the MCU or other pop culture. Most people do nowadays. There's also nothing wrong with being a Marvel fan and worshiping Loki, in the same way there are plenty of Christians who enjoy Good Omens and Dogma and The Life of Brian. Most people are able to separate religion from fictional works loosely based on religion. It's just that if you take those pieces of media and treat them as an introduction to the actual faith, you're going to get a very, very wrong picture.

And I absolutely do encourage you to get a more accurate picture! But for both your sake and the sake of people you interact with, it's important to go in with the mindset that this is and was people's actual religion. And it's important to go in with the mindset that this is a god.

Whether or not you intend to convert to a new religion, the sort of spirit work your ask suggests you're looking to undertake pretty much inevitably will alter your beliefs and perception of reality. (And not even necessarily in a theistic direction.) This almost always causes an existential crisis. The work is, in fact, more or less intended to do that! It may severely negatively impact your mental health in a lot of other ways. Whether or not you believe any actual metaphysical forces are involved, the psychological buttons these techniques are deliberately pressing in order to induce altered states are very real.

There's are reasons initiations exist in many mystical traditions, and reasons clergy and spirit workers generally require a training period working with more experienced practitioners, and one of them is that having support while grappling with this stuff is really important. Even in the best case scenario, it's a whole lot of hard work and emotional struggle.

People find the work worth it, or they wouldn't do it. I'm not trying to scare you away if it's something you genuinely want. But for your own wellbeing it's important to understand the gravity here. This is not the kind of thing you pick up for fun on a whim purely because you stan a character in a superhero franchise.

If you would still know yet more, we have a reading list where you can find more on the myths involving Loki and modern Heathen spirituality. We also have an FAQ that covers the basics of building your own practice--including, yes, an introduction to communicating with Loki (in ways that don't require deliberately entering an altered state) and discerning whether to give that communication any more weight than you would typically give your own imagination speaking to you.

I genuinely do wish you a fruitful spiritual journey, wherever it may lead, and apologize if this post comes across as overly harsh. It's just that not addressing this stuff and giving you an unqualified green light would ultimately have been doing you a disservice.

- Mod E

[fuesch]

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness review, part 1

We're diving right into the action and get introduced to America Chavez with a camera move onto the star that's a bit too cheesy for my taste.

The return of Dr. West gives us a tired old joke about people with cats. Not surprising he'd list his cats before his brother. He does have character issues (and as if Strange doesn't), so he might have not gotten along that well with his brother, whereas the cats wouldn't have that problem with him. Personally I find it sweet that someone loved him - so what if they weren't members of his own species?! I wouldn't be surprised if West invented the brother just because he wanted some sympathy from Strange. Why should pets count so much less than humans?! They love us, we love them - those are real relationships!

Look, it's not that I dislike Strange, but when Wong joined the fight, that tickled me! He is the Sorcerer Supreme after all, so he better not be forgotten. Not to mention, he's fun.

So I guess Raimi likes action up on the side of a building. And I can't blame him, it is fun - when you're not part of it yourself.

Speaking of nauseating stuff: That eye thing with Shuma-Gorath really wasn't necessary!

Ha, America asking if Spidey shoots webs out of his butt. I mean, it's a valid question!

It's fun how Strange answers 3 questions in a row, but after having the movie seen twice, I still don't know what America asked. Someone please enlighten me.

I really want a clarification about dreams being a window to the multiverse. Some dreams really are just dreams, right? Are there only some people who can dream of alternate realities, and if so, what gives them the ability? I mean, does it take more than just having a counterpart in the multiverse? And does America really not dream at all?

So either America has been in the MCU for a while and Strange's dream was't broadcast live or Defender Strange is rotting fast. Maybe the effect of getting killed by that bandage creature?

Aha, so sorcery and witchcraft are different branches of magic. I still want to know more. So you have to be born for witchcraft, but for sorcery it's enough to be taught? As Ned's magic is inherent, does that mean he could do witchcraft instead? And why wasn't he at the Kamar Taj? He didn't forget everything that happened in NWH, did he?

Although we had already been told that dreams are visions of what's happening to a a variant of yourself, I wondered why the Minimoffs had switched beds from WandaVision. Because I still consider normal dreams to exist.

Ah, there's a traffic light by Tommy's bed! I knew there was something about a traffic light that I wanted to include into my Peter Maximoff truthering, but I'd forgotten where it appeared in WandaVision.

I was so confused by the new Hex at first, why one would be necessary. Now I guess that practicing all that Darkhold magic had killed the trees, so Wanda made the orchard pretty again in an attempt to fool Strange.

Wanda complains about the unfairness in the different judgement of her actions and Strange's. In a way she's right, but in another way: Girlfriend, while you didn't do these things on purpose, you did them for yourself - Strange did them for others. I know, I know, I can't expect her to make sense when she's under the influence of the Darkhold! sigh

So… what, Wanda isn't the same as the Scarlet Witch? Witch please, what are you talking about? Come on, we didn't even get to see our Wanda this movie (except at the very end), that was all the Scarlet Witch. Okay, but I hate this differentiation. And Strange uses it later too, talking about Wanda calling herself a witch as if it's bad. They're telling me they're really doing this? The Scarlet Witch is only the version of Wanda who's influenced by the Darkhold? Witches (you know, a group consisting only of women, as far as we're aware) in general are bad? But that wouldn't make sense with what WandaVision showed us. There was no indication that Agatha's coven was evil.

Liking Rintrah so far. Please tell me more! How did a green cow person come to study at the Kamar Taj? Is he from another dimension like Ta-Lo? Or an alien?

Ugh, Wanda's stilted words during the negotion with Strange and her stereotypical villain acting during most of the film. But I guess you can explain that away with the Darkhold, Agatha had that affliction too. Wanda only seemed like a real person when she was sad.

Ha, I was wondering if that gong was reflective enough, when America was covering that puddle. Why is this room full of puddles anyway? I swear it had a ceiling.

Aww, look at America having a nausea-inducing superpower! I want her and Peter to meet and high-five about it.

There's only one America in the whole multiverse? Okay, that's an American exceptionalism I can believe in.

Heh, she sent Strange and herself to the planet of the hats.

Not even in this utopic-looking New York the pizza balls are free, how disapointing.

If America was pulled through the same portal as her parents, how did they end up elsewhere? Was it like that trip with Strange, going through multiple universes and one of the parties travelled further? I had hoped by the end of the movie they would be reunited. America's story better be heading that way!

[omegas-spaghettios]

Big Boi Loki Episode 1 Spoilers

The Infinity Stones in the drawer scene.

I have seen people SO ANGRY that this happened cause it made the entire plight of the Infinity Saga trivial.

THAT'S THE POINT

The Multiverse has existed in Marvel Comics for decades, and the rule has always been that the Infinity Stones are really only powerful on a universal scale. The Stones are exceedingly powerful, but they exist in every universe and don't function outside of their own. Multiversal level beings have ALWAYS trumped them.

Franklin Richards, Molecule Man & The Beyonder, beings that all rival or exceed the Stones. The Beyonders, The Living Tribunal, The One Above All, people so ridiculously powerful the Stones are TRIVIAL.

I know the MCU doesn't follow the comics exactly, but to do the Multiverse and make it even resemble the comics, the stones have to follow the rules they have for decades. If the stones were capable of controlling the multiverse, the multiverse would be way less cool.

Jumping into the Multiverse in the MCU means we are moving beyond things that are the most powerful objects in the universe, that's just how it is. Endgame still was huge for our characters, but it meant very little in the grand scheme of the Multiverse and that is okay! It still is important!

"The TVA just let that happen though!" Yes they did, but look me in the metaphorical eye and tell me they were supposed to come off as heroes this episode.

EDIT: I used my dumbass brain and did realize that for people who are not fans of the comics, this was a huge shock. While the fact that Tony, Loki, Nat, Gamora, and many others died for the stones being a small scale event is something comic fans are used to, it is new for the MCU and most definetly a shock.

My point is that this is to be expected and that it doesn't actually make all those sacrifices meaningless, they still fought to accomplish their goals and saved trillions. The TVA being dickbags doesn't undercut that Tony saved so many people with his sacrifice, actual lives.

This timeline "things happen as they are supposed to" from the TVA is stupid and they are purposefully painted as cold and rude and something that is wrong and it is my honest hope this series ends with Loki either successfully have or starting his journey to tear this awful organization down.

[sserpente]

So um I saw this twitter post on how the main reason the loki series was created in the first place was to make loki the first main character in the mcu to be bi, is this true? I mean I thought the reason it was created was because marvel wanted to continue on where loki went after he escaped in endgame. I know I shouldn't just belive everything I read on the Internet that's why I'm asking you about this. I kinda belive it for a second cuz ever since ep 3 of loki came out, Kate herron has been kinda pushing the fact that loki is bi in everybody's throats in a twitter post of hers and I quote "it was very important to me, and my goal, to acknowledge loki was bisexual." So yeah, I just need a second opinion on this cuz lately marvel has been kinda woke if you know what I mean if you know about the whole controversies on their new comics. I really don't want any of this to be real. I'm really looking forward to your response.

*blinks* Okay, first of all, I'm flattered you want my opinion on this because I didn't even work on the show and I am, in fact, just another Loki girl on the Internet, haha! Okay, so here me out:

The main reason? I really doubt that! The reason we got a Loki show is because Tom Hiddleston has been stealing the show for years. In fact, I strongly believe that it is OUR passion for this character and HIS incredible talent and commitment that Marvel went ahead with his own series. If Tom's Loki wasn't this popular, I'm pretty sure he would have stayed dead after TDW. So don't worry about that. ♥

As far as I'm concerned, Kate is bisexual herself. She loves Loki as a character, so her passion for this is understandable. I support the LGBTQ+ community with all my heart, so I too cheered when Loki cheekily went "A bit of both". They worked this lovely aspect of his character into the show and given that it's always been there both in the comics and in the myths, it was only a matter of time in the show, I guess. After all, they didn't really have the time to focus on that in the Thor films.

But, and this is very important now: Loki being bisexual doesn't define him. It's a meaningful aspect of him (an aspect that resonates with many fans which is great), part of who he is, sure--but it doesn't define him as a fictional character. He is Loki, the God of Mischief, not Loki, the MCU character who is a bisexual. A friend of mine is a lesbian but if I pointed this out to her every time we met or only referred to her as such, she would go mad. And she certainly wouldn’t keep talking about her being a lesbian every time we met either. It doesn’t define her. It’s part of who she is but it doesn’t define her entire being, let alone reduces her to that. Just... let people love whoever they want, you know?

In other words, I remember there being a few discussions on whether the show should include Loki’s sexuality or even love interests before it came out and I understood that worry to some extent simply because Loki has a lot on his plate right now. Think about it:

The last thing that happened to him was him finding out that he is a Frost Giant, why Odin favoured Thor all these years and that his entire life is a lie, him starting a desperate attempt to gain his adoptive father’s recognition, failing, trying to commit suicide, ending up with Thanos instead, getting tortured and being forced to invade New York City, failing again (presumably even intentionally) and now being about to be brought back to Asgard expecting Odin to execute him (which is not far-fetched—Odin said ‘Frigga is the only reason you’re still alive and you will never see her again’ in TDW so I’m sure Loki was almost certain to be executed by Odin). So when the Tesseract landed at his feet, he saw his chance so he took it and escaped and now the TVA is telling him that he shouldn't exist and forces him to work for them, else he will be disintegrated and he learns that he can't return to his own timeline, has no home. He is struggling with his identity and finding his place in the world, figuring out who he is and what he wants. Now imagine making all that only about his sexuality and gender identity and disregarding everything else or shoving it in the background. Doesn't make sense, right? Loki must learn to love himself first before anyone else, regardless of their gender identity, can love him. If he ever gets love interests in the future, I'm pretty sure it'll be a process full of angst and hurt. I don't know anything about those alleged controversies concerning the new comics though, so I wouldn't be able to comment on that.

A lot of people are staining society with their negativity and try to find negative aspects everywhere which is why I never interact with such posts on here or elsewhere, it’s not worth my energy. It starts with bisexuals who happen to end up in a relationship with the opposite gender and are being judged for it even within their own community and as of right now it continues where some individuals on the Internet insist that we all must now use "they/them" pronouns for Loki when even in the show, they use "he/him" pronouns for him and "she/her" pronouns for Sylvie--not every non-binary/genderfluid person exclusively uses “they/them” pronouns.

Most importantly, I really doubt that every future episode now will keep reminding the audience that Loki is bisexual. You’re probably not familiar with her but Alex, the winner of this year’s season of Germany’s Next Topmodel is transgender--and, at some point in the season, when she was asked by an interviewer about what she thinks about a transgender model winning Germany’s Next Topmodel, she said in her opinion, simply a woman would win Germany’s Next Topmodel because that is what she is, meaning that society should stop pointing out how “different” the LGBTQ+ community is by constantly pointing it out but instead to finally start acknowleding it as normal. She told her story once and that’s it--she wants to be considered a female model, not a transgender model. Being transgender is a part of her but it doesn’t define her entire being.

Puuh, now that was a very long answer. Please, anyone, feel free to add things, I’m happy to learn more about what you guys, especially if you’re in the community, think about it. ♥

[fantasticwolfpenguin]

Kemetic Round Table: The Afterlife

Q: How did the Egyptians view the afterlife? How do you view the afterlife? Does this effect your practice at all?

There were always doubts by some Egyptians that a primary example being the "Harper’s song".

Tomb of King Itef as translated by Toby Wilkinson (not the only one but the only one I have on hand) "Look, no one is allowed to take his possessions with him/Look, no one who departs returns!"

I sometimes listen to Kara Cooney's (an Egyptologist) podcast "Afterlives" and her interpretation of how burial and display is just a show of wealth and anyone who couldn't afford funerary goods was just going to have to deal with these influencers and fade out of existence. Now archeology needs evidence and cited sources because you can’t ask 3000 years worth of people. This is where it differs from Kemetic practice where the revival efforts also take spiritual more intangible ideas in addition to present literature.

The main few questions people have these days as a practicing Kemetic are: Is it egalitarian? Is it open to us? It is up to personal interpretation of course, but I guess getting into whatever afterlife isn't a moral high ground in my opinion. The whole reason it exists in a meta sense is to make sure life continues past its perceived end. Even there I think the examples of stories where magician or even generations of kings being reborn imply that there was at least the concept of reincarnation existent.

Now currently my experience with the dead has been really limited, but my main god relation being Anubis has given me some UPG. While others have told me that they expect the flow of souls to the Duat to be thinned out, I personally think you don't have to be openly Kemetic to end up there. Ancient Egyptian art and history has extended to so many people and with that I think there would be more than just a few. I also think that with the guidance of the gods we won't be left abandoned when we die, honestly to have walked the path and try to battle with the meaning of Ma'at and discuss keeps Their names alive. Especially some of us who work with those Beyond probably have some idea of what they have gone through enough to feel at least a little secure.

I still believe the trials of tradition may still exist there i.e. weighing of the heart, but since most people aren't memorizing spells (I mean kudos to you if you do, I want to some day). Just for ritual purposes I think it would be neat to bury someone with the texts or do Opening of the Mouth, but I really hope one day we would be able to gather in a way before my personal end to discuss this. I visualize the Field like some texts say, as a place we have lived or want to exist in. I think it won't be some boring field of wheat (looks directly at the MCU), but in fact a garden because of the implied work and community. Time either probably works based on Egypt or it isn't even relevant. I think the gods would also be a bit more present, not necessarily each person but structural places. Because that is something I've always wanted here aka a temple/place we can make offerings to.

Okay now to get really dark; this is a warning

This is also relevant to my wish for body autonomy of wishing one day someone would preserve my heart (for science of course, I assume the medical thing I have is made of plastic but I could be wrong), but it would also fulfill the other heart preservation aspect, but in the capitalistic hellscape of you need lawyers and a will etc only gives me anxiety that my wishes could never be completed until I outlive my current circumstances and have people willing to do what I want. But then also think of just not caring because it was my body's problem and my family to not get enough to know what I want and my own relationship with a funeral god because of all these reasons that they don't even bother touching/knowing/ talking about with me. Gives me the outward vibe of I don't give a crap even though as you read all the way down I do care A LOT, and think about way more often than ever.

Note: Kemeticism has always fit into what religious afterlife ideas of Taoism and Buddhism I grew up with that the Divine determine your path in death and after there is perpetual rebirth with others you may or may not know. Taoist believe you are handed some kind of potion to forget those connections are start as a baby.

[luxuriantegg]

POV: you're watching Loki episode 5. Loki and Sylvie share a blanket, and then five minutes later sylvie’s like “we’re the same :)” which comes after them holding hands to cause a Nexus event, Mobius implying they're in love, and Loki appearing to want to confess some sort of adoration for her before being pruned,,, and so far, it seems the showrunners/writers are on board w/ calling it a love story,,,,,,,,,,

let’s dive a bit into this ship.

(note: i'm not going to tag this as "syl//ki," and i will not put any ship in the body text without the "//", but tumblr may take the "syl//ki" out of "anti syl//ki" and put it in the ship tag. that's out of my hands. you need to block "anti syl//ki" if you don't want to see that.)

when it comes to defending or being anti syl//ki, I think a lot of people sort of missed the memo on or forgot about the fact that Loki is a frost giant. I have looked on both Twitter and Tumblr and literally have not seen a single person talk about it in the selfcest debate so far. I've probably missed something. So if you have seen this argument, well, here it is again!

so, syl//ki defenders will say,

It’s not selfcest because they are genetically different. They might have different parents since they were adopted by the Asgardians.

If they were genetically similar, then they would also be genetically similar to Boastful Loki and Alligator Loki.

First of all. Loki’s last name is Laufeyson. Sylvie’s last name is Laufeydottir. Due to the naming conventions used here, both can be assumed to be children of Laufey. I realize we haven’t seen Sylvie’s Laufey, but who’s to say they look any different than the one we saw in Thor? Furthermore, there’s nothing to suggest that they weren’t adopted by the same exact couple (i.e., Odin and Frigga or some variation), and if you’re not ok with Thor and Loki, you probably should consider this. Probably. We'll really just have to see what happens if they develop Sylvie further. Who knows, they might get cold feet in the last episode and actually make her Enchantress (Sylvie Lushton) proper.

The second point really pisses me off not just as someone who loves Norse mythology but also just. The race card. Does no one remember the fact that Loki is actually supposed to be blue? He’s not genetically white. There is nothing in his genes that command him to be white. That is a disguise (originally put on him by Odin if I’m not mistaken? feel free to check me on that).

Loki could literally be any gender and/or any color he wants to be. Hell, we've seen him shapeshift into Steve Rogers briefly and Odin presumably for a good while. Really, it's hard to pass judgement on the relationships that the other Lokis have to their respective timelines. We can only make assumptions based on the evidence we have. (but also have fun with headcanons of course)

(also the funny part about bringing up Boastful Loki is ,, everyone is always like “well, are you trying to tell me that our Loki has the same genes as Boastful/Hammer Loki? 🙄🙄🙄” and like, they won’t come out and just say one is white and one is black like,,, :) they’re trying so hard not to sound racist it’s hilarious. AND THEN TO PUT ALLIGATOR LOKI IN THE SAME CATEGORY. LAUGHABLE. str8 up.)

But concerning the alligator, in Norse mythology, frost giants can have kids that are really just. Out there. Jormungand is a snake that can wrap itself around the world, Fenris is a gargantuan wolf, and Hel is a half dead child. Those are just Loki’s kids (note: in the mythology. they also exist in the comics as his children, but I am also aware that Fenris and Hela are not his children in the MCU and trust me, that peeves me a lot). I’m sure there’s more examples though. So like. Potentially????? Yeah, Loki Prime could be genetically similar to Alligator Loki.

Furthermore, according to this Gizmodo article, Alligator Loki is a Loki (2021) creation, and they admit to playing with the idea that Alligator Loki may not even be a Loki. So take that how you will.

So my verdict is that Loki and Sylvie are the same person with different looks, possibly some difference in genetics, depending on the mother.

(note: Loki is marked in his file as genderfluid, technically we cannot know what he was assigned at birth. we only know his pronouns. he could be AFAB. Sylvie may be AMAB.)

I don’t ship lok//ius, and I don’t care if Loki gets with a girl (I actually really like Loki and Darcy) so don’t come at me with the biphobia excuse that’s running around. I will say that yes, I would adore seeing Loki in an mlm or wlw relationship. Yes, it is really cliché to have the two opposite gender-presenting leads get together. Yes, I want to see Loki and Sylvie as friends/family. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. I’m just here to ask if this is selfcest or not.

So yes, Syl//ki really does appear to be a selfcest ship and like, if you’re willing to own that, own it. It looks like that’s how the show’s going so far so,, uh,,, enjoy it if that’s something you want to do I guess. I’m ,, probably not going to though. But congrats on the canon! If it is!

I’m not asking you to stop shipping it, if you do. I'm not even asking you to ship with caution. Overall, I just hope I made you think a little more about it and maybe get a discussion going that doesn't revolve around the same arguments we've heard for the past three weeks.

Because like, it's not hurting anyone to ship it, and if you send hate speech to any shippers or the showrunners, literally what is wrong with you???? there are civil ways to discourse, my lord.

Personally, if I had to ship it, I would only do so as a self-love metaphor, and I think that's as far as I would take it. As it currently stands, it's on the same level of Oncest, so like. it's weird but honestly it doesn't hurt anyone. (and if you don't know what Oncest is, give this video by Sarah Z a watch.) Really it all just amounts to this test from Buzzfeed that you've probably seen in fandom memes before. So you can use that as your squick-o-meter when it comes to this ship.

I will end this by saying I am not pro-ship. Inc//est and pedo//philia have no place in fandom and thinking these are okay could lead to harmful thinking in real life, especially with regards to children in fandom.

Selfcest is not technically on the same level as inc//est, and yes, I know, in the words of the great Buzzfeed Unsolved team, "anytime you have to say technically that's not great" but I really mean it here. We can still say technically here.

TL;DR: yeah syl//ki is more than likely selfcest. don't send hate to people who ship it tho (this includes the showrunners).

[mrsmarymorstan]

fic writer interview! thanks for the tag @whatsaboomlakalaka ;)

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

123! A nice round number ^__^

Although only 119 of those are complete >__>

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 699558

Nice B) 3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

47 Fandoms Officially, but realistically it's more like 17 since there's a lot of crossover with individual stuff. For example, Hobbit and Lord of the Rings count as two separate fandoms on AO3 but realistically they're the same. Anyway, my 17 fandoms are:

- BatFam, Young Justice (Cartoon), Middle Earth, Star Trek, BBC Sherlock, Cabin Pressure, MCU, The Great Gatsby, Talking Heads (Alan Bennett), Quantum Leap, Critical Role, H*rry P*tter, BBC Merlin, Brooklyn 99, Fruits Basket, Snow White With The Red Hair and My Hero Academia

Talking Heads and Great Gatsby were actually ALevel Coursework I thought would be funny to upload! After I had all my results in and so on, of course. So if you wanna know what A* Coursework looked like in 2012 you know where to go xD

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Hells Kitchen 99 - A Brooklyn 99/Netflix MCU Crossover

Show Me Yours - All 5 Robins bonding over scars

Eating Out With Your Wife And Other Spousal Pleasures - Kyoru Smut

Puppy Love - Braduil Fluff & Angst inspired by 101 Dalmatians. My First multichapter long fic!

Electric Bolt - Denki Kaminari is Epileptic and I have FEELINGS about that

5. Do you respond to comments, why or why not? I always try to! But sometimes I run out of spoons, or a comment is so lovely I don't know what to say to it! However I always try to reply because I am very grateful for any and all comments I get and sometimes that's how you make friendships ^__^

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? Hmmmm... okay so most people would probably say it's "Trinket's Memoriam" because Trinket dies at the end, but also Trinket is a VERY OLD BEAR at that point so it's not THAT angsty! And he gets to go see is Mamma and Step-Papa and Uncle Vax again, so really it's a HAPPY ending!

I would probably put angstiest as "Waiting" because Sigrid and Fili are still separated in death by Mahal's xenophobia and then their child is discriminated against in the next fic too.

"Good Days, Bad Days" is pretty angsty too, since that's a fic about Sigrid having Dementia and there's no recovering from that one.

See, I don't think these are THAT angsty but I am also told by some that everything I touch eventually turns to angst so who is to say what is what lol

7. Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I mean, I wouldn't say it's crazy but I wrote a Quantum Leap - BBC Sherlock Greaserlock AU. That's probably pretty niche. Sam leaps into Molly and in order to leap he needs to help Sherlock with the whole Reichenbach thing and then also kiss Lestrade.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

LOL YUP! There are a lot of Biphobic TimSteph fans out there. And yes, I count hating on Harper Row as being biphobic given that she is one of the only openly queer members of the BatFam! AND ALSO guess what? Tim Drake is ALSO canonically queer! So all those "Tim isn't Bisexual! That's just FANON!" commenters can go suck a rotten egg because WHO WON IN THE END AYE?!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Yes, I write smut. Yes I am asexual, we exist.

I have almost exclusively written Cis M/F fic but I have some ideas for some ObiZen Smut so I guess I might be reaching out for Cis M/M in the future!

I do sometimes have ideas for Smut with Trans Headcanons? But then I worry that I'm going to be in a world of fetishcisation so I don't bother lest I accidentally offend.....

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not to my knowledge! Though I suppose it could have happened? 11. Have you ever had a fic translated? Someone asked to translate my Barduil into Chinese and I did give permission for one of them, but I don't know if it ever happened...

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Yes! I co-wrote a Star Trek DS9/Sherlock Holmes Trill AU with an old sherlock fandom friend, a Sam/Clint MCU fanfic series with @sarah-the-artiste and like on day 2 of meeting my cousin as an adult we sat and wrote a Kiliel Fic together xD

13. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

OH GOODDDDDDD... Ummmm... So I probably have had the most fun writing for Figrid because it was absolutely the ship of dreams and there were so few of us in the rowboat but boy howdy did we make the most of it! I don't think I could ever go back to writing them for a plethora of reasons, but I certainly had a great time doing it!

In contrast, I have been shipping Kyo and Tohru for over a decade and I think I always will! But I don't have as much fun writing for them as I do other ships because there's just not much left to explore.

Merthur is always a good one to come home to as well... I mean. They left it so open ended that there's a billion different fix-its to choose from! You really can't go wrong. Also we all agree that Gwen deserves happiness so she always GETS happiness in those fics and I love that about the Merthur Fandom.

She really was better off with Lancelot....

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

The Rules of The Game... I was really close to finishing before I started at the Hell Job and then Hell Job gave me depression (or rather made my depression 20x worse) and so I just can't go back to that stage of my life again..... also I can't play hockey anymore due to my disabilities so it's a little rough on that one too. Ah well. Who knows what the future may hold, aye? 15. What are your writing strengths?

I am informed that I am very good at writing things in character, especially dialogue. I can also write jokes that actually make people laugh!

16. What are your writing weaknesses? I verb my verbs too much, and am not very good at coming up with varied sentence openings. Also I cannot spell for shit.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for? H*rry P*tter

19. What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

Gift of the Valar my Hobbit Fix-It in which Tilda has Epilepsy that gives her prophetic visions which she uses to save Fili and Kili's lives. I don't think I will every write anything as good as this, and I am okay with that =)

Also you know, "Love in the time of Spiders" won a Hugo Award so that should be mentioned here too. Yes. I am the reason "Shelob (Tolkein)/Battle Goat #1" is a wrangled tag. You are welcome internet.

[galaxythreads]

Suggestions on how to improve fanfic writing:

I was talking with @angelfishofthelord recently (not that recent, time is a concept that escapes our collective grasp) and I jokingly suggested that I make this post. I am in the middle of an insomnia night, so. Here be us.

Characters use the same nicknames and phrases inside their head as speaking. This doesn’t necessarily mean they’re sharing the humor they’re speaking. I.g.: For SPN, I see a lot of people write Dean as a little careless in his POVs, because that’s just how he portrays himself, but Dean, I think, while having a dark sense of humor, isn’t actually very funny in his head. Same goes for MCU and Tony Stark. Funny characters does not always equal happy head space. :)

Nicknames--this used to bother me to no end, because nicknames were never something in my family, and people shortening down the names felt wrong. But you nickname what you love. If someone has given a nickname (and not in mockery) to a character, chances are, they call them that in their head. Like in MCU Clint calling Natasha "Nat", or SPN Dean and Sam calling Cas "Cas" however, with that said, unless the nickname is self chosen, most people will use their full name when narrating. Castiel, Natasha, etc.

Headcanons! This is going to sound a little backwards, but headcanons have always helped me sort between characters. I know that some fic authors are very against headcanons, but to me, you HAVE to make these characters and their world your own, at least a little. You need to understand how their brain functions, and headcanons are a wonderful, wonderful way to do that. So long as you can conceivably fit them into canon, I think you’re good. One of the ones I have about SPN Cas is that he doesn’t actually give off body heat, so he’s constantly room temperature. It’s a detail for people that’s not Cas’s POV to notice. So getting some headcanons like that will help differentiate between POVs because it’s different things for characters to acknowledge.

Mimic writing that you admire. (And ask yourself WHY you like it) I really, really love the way that TFW/avengers team is portrayed in some stories, in others, I’m like “meh.” Write to please yourself, first and foremost, on how to read these characters thoughts. Those who agree with you will flock to be your audience, and they’re who matter.

Language/word choice is really important for POV change. Again, people talk like how they think.

POV change? Treat the character whose POV it is like they are THE most important person in existence. Their reactions get a front seat. Their five senses are your concern. What they notice about a character may not be true, but it's what they notice. They are human, not omniscient, ergo, they'll get things wrong. Even if the story is written with a completely different character in mind, this character is still the most important. POV's time to think, talk, panic, angst, express, etc. That chapter was about how they felt. That’s why sometimes, even if I really do want them to talk or something, a character might think “please don’t say xyz” because THEY don’t want that, and how I feel as an author isn’t relevant here. Remembering that they’re human, and need time to process/react to things is huge.

Practice, practice, practice. It does get easier with time, and effort. I promise. All of you would laugh at my first few weeks of diving into fandoms. That stuff is garbage.

Conscious stream of thought is generally the best way to engage readers, and the most enjoyable. This is how we immerse ourselves into the story. We become a part of it because we follow their thinking. It is always ideal to start where you are the most comfortable, whether that's 3rd omniscient, 2nd person, etc, but, in my opinion, you don't get that true "click" with the characters until you've conscious stream of thought them.

Research. Lots of research. Don't know how long battieres could last in 2002? Look it up. Don't know how to do stitches? Google it. Try to avoid making things up.

Look guys. Everyone understands that you are most likely NOT a doctor or have any semblance of a medical degree. This is fiction. Research what you can, and move forward carefully or vague it out with the rest. The worst that can happen is someone correcting information you got wrong.

Please, please, please stay within the range of human limitation. (Or whatever creature/being you are writing for) You can't lose more than five pints of blood. You CAN die from pain. Infection spreads quickly. I'm sorry. I just. Have read so many fics from newbie writers who push their characters past extremes that is almost impossible. You want to hurt them that bad, break a bone or something. Just. Please try to be realistic. (Don't misunderstand here, I love me some well-done whump.)

Again with the "you are not a professional thing." Those diagnosed with mental illnesses know that you may not be writing from true experience. This is okay. But please, please do not avoid using any words or phrases common with the illness as you try to "vaguely" write it. The more authentic you are, the less likely you will offend someone. Look. I would be so frustrated if someone tried to write about an ED and just... Avoided words like "starve" "binge" and "hungry" because they didn't want to trigger me. Like. Sweeties, I appreciate the thought, I do, but it's more frustrating that you can't even SAY it than actually putting it into your writing. So. Please just. If you're going to write about a mental illness, do so with the intent to WRITE it, not skirt around the bush.

With that, if you are not diagnosed with the mental illness your writing for (or suspect that you have some form of it) that's okay! Google symptoms to get a basic idea, and search for first hand accounts. People's experience is a lot different than the definition. For example, some of the most hilarious people I know are severally depressed, and Google will just tell you they are sad.

Write write and write. You are building a skill. You have to practice that skill frequently.

Do not be afraid to ask for feedback. Betas are wonderful. Asking for advice is wonderful. Being too shy and afraid of criticism for asking for help is perfectly okay. (Hello fellow traveler)

If your search history doesn't have you being watched by government organizations in the next few months, you aren't researching enough. ;)

Take your time. Quality over quantity. Do NOT conform to the update fairy that demands updates frequently. Look. I love my readers. I do. But you HAVE to take your time to finish things in order for them to be worth reading. If this is six hours or six years, that's that.

Do not give everything away. Stop answering questions. We keep reading because we have unanswered questions. Anticipation = good. Knowing everything at once: bad.

Do not put in funny for the sake of funny.

Insults should be insulting, not make people want to cringe and duck their heads.

Dialog should serve as people communicating... Like actual people.

Siblings (unless otherwise said so by canon) DO NOT address each other as "bro" and "sis"

Not a native English speaker? Cool. Natives would love to help you learn their language. :) English grammar sucks.

Analogies should make sense. They should flow smoothly into the writing. If they pop out, you've lost the attention of your writers.

please, please don't glorify rape, racism, homophobia, mental illness shaming/glorification, abuse, sexism, and other crappy things. Thanks. People came for a story, not to get their souls crushed.