#on all the psych tests she made me do i scored like

[yoiku]

Man, last week... started off optimistic and ended up in the pits kinda.

We made plans for me to join a 15 month course to find fitting job(s) with the aim of going to said jobs and trying them out. Sounds good and is something i am interested in, but after friday all i've been thinking is that maybe it's too much too soon. I'm still thinking if i can manage 3 days of workshop/week instead of 2... so diving into something that can have 4-5x 6hr days/week is making me very anxious and already feeling bad if I end up not having the energy to do it. I think its the main thing that has dropped my mood bc I know that the chances of me getting a part-time job in any of the fields that interest me and are something i could be able to do physically, is pretty nonexistent. All of those fields have severe oversupply of potential workers against the amount available jobs, in the entire country. So the chances of getting employed as someone who doesn't have any substancial studies in the field, isn't able bodied or mentally okay... Lets just say it isnt exactly an encouraging thought. I just feel like no matter what I am entirely useless when it comes to any employment that i feel i could perhaps be able to do. If an able-bodied, neurotypical and socially capable person with a suitable degree can't get a job in those fields, what are my chances? lol. I dunno. Already feels like a failure if I muster up the courage to say that I feel like I've said OK to things that I'm not actually sure about. I'm sure they'll understand if I say i'd rather focus on getting back into 3 workshop days and trying to progress my rights for therapy for now. I don't know. I feel conflicted with my own thoughts. Part of me thinks I should give it a go even if I drop out - id at least be certain that it was too much. But I also know how heavily dropping out from anything hits me mentally, so i am genuinely afraid of seeing the bottom of the pit again. The psychologist at the current evaluation course did say she thinks taking things as slowly as needed is probably the best for me considering everything they've summed up abt me so far. I'll try to talk about it at least.

On a less depressing note, the results from the various psych/neuro tests were partly curious. My mathematical skills being extremely below average wasn't a surprise, lmao! But I found it curious that the one that was the highest above average was linguistic skills, followed by the less surprisingly above average spatial awareness that involved shapes, patterns and other stuff that i think any artistic person would excel at. Accuracy was great but speed was awful, lmao. Overall I scored pretty average on the cognitive side. Worth noting is that I am medicated now and I did take my adhd meds on that day as well, so that likely helped slightly with the accuracy and overall concentration. (a lot of the tests had a time limit) Interesting tests though, and I'm glad it gets written up into my files as well, because it's more proof to the fact that my autism is mostly affecting me on the social side of things. I would be really interested to take the same tests in a busy/noisy environment or with some sort of forced interrupts like someone asking you something entirely different suddenly and see just how much of a disaster that would be trying to get back into focusing on the test tasks then, lol. That's morely likely how things are after all if we think of these tests as a measure of how will you get by in the world of working a job, unless you really have a job where you get to work alone in a perfect environment for yourself. (man i love making art at home)

[aspd-culture]

Hello, you said on a post you were prof. diagnosed with ASPD - May I asked how that went? What did it look like?

Sure! Mine happened with a mix of two professionals and the input of a third smd fourth. Firstly, I went to a therapist and explained what I thought may be happening - that as far as a few friends with ASPD had told me, and what I had read online, I resonated with a lot of it and thought it would explain much of my symptoms - after a couple months of consistent weekly therapy, my therapist felt confident enough to evaluate me by verbally asking me about each criterion and found that she wasn't entirely sure that it was ASPD, mostly due to the law-abiding criterion and the aggression criterion not truly being met and the fact that she didn't think (from what I'd told her) that I would have met the criteria for Conduct Disorder during my childhood. I later would explain to her the things my psych evaluated that counted in her opinion that I simply hadn't yet gotten to with my therapist. She went to a colleague and they both felt uncertain it was ASPD and were leaning toward a mix of my already diagnosed PTSD and a potential for autism. She advised me to be evaluated for autism and go from there.

During the first autism evaluation appointment, my psych asked what brought it to my attention and I explained we were trying to rule out if it was autism causing symptoms that reminded me of ASPD ones. My psych suggested we do paper evaluations (where you read statements and honestly answer how much you agree with and relate to them) for both first, and we did.

After scoring those, we made another evaluation appointment at which she advised me both evaluations appeared to suggest diagnosis, but input from a colleague was that autism could appear as ASPD, unless of course there were any symptoms that didn't have any potential for overlap between the two. I explained the reason I felt I had ASPD - and got into my outlook on people, relationships, empathy, social interaction, etc. I don't think she was expecting me to feel the way I do about the world because I had been masking my symptoms for so long that I've become quite good at it for anyone who doesn't live with me.

At that point she was more convinced, and suggested we take 2 more paper evaluations. One was to fill the differential diagnosis thing and the other was a "psychopathy" screening. Whilst it is poorly named, it is a legitimate medical test for ASPD that just happens to be quite old.

Upon scoring those, she said she felt confident diagnosing me with both and did. She asked if I was ok, and that was that. I went to therapy as normal and let my therapist know what was diagnosed.

Both psych appointments were in serious symptom flares to the point where I could not mask and I can say that definitely helped me get a diagnosis, which is an upside to an otherwise extremely unpleasant situation for me. I prefer to keep things masked so as not to scare off the professionals I have built trust with.

Still, it got me answers and I appreciate that. Some professionals will use paper, whilst others will use direct DSM criteria in a verbal eval, and others still will diagnose in a more "covert" way to avoid skewed results or masked answers if you show enough symptoms to be diagnosed just through your talk therapy (though they should still tell you that you have it, but they may not say they're evaluating you for it). That is the only way that is super likely to be diagnosed in one appointment - otherwise expect it to take a few or even a lot if it's a new professional. Because PDs have to be persistent and consistent, they need to ensure it's a long term issue that has been and appears to continue to be happening at all times after onset.

I hope this helps!

[regularbeans]

in other news im probably autistic

[copperbadge]

hi Sam! do you think its a good idea to just go to a clinician/psychiatrist and say "I think I have ADHD, I'm having trouble in school and I'd really like medication for it?" Apart from the whole, I'm a minor and they might fear I'm a druggie- my ADHD symptoms has improved so much this summer when I finally left my abusive mother. My grades have always been great, and I would probably hide my neuroses on the actual interview and hyperfocus on any tests they give me so I'd score okay

Oh man, there is a lot going on in this ask. Not in a bad way! But a lot.

First, I'm glad you got away from your abuser, and I hope you're in a good place with people who are looking after you. I do think it's a good idea, if you feel you're struggling, to speak to a professional about the issue, especially if you have access to one easily. But I'd like to try and reframe your thinking a little bit, because while I understand the urge to say "I think I have ADHD and want meds, how do I get those" the underlying issue is different.

Don't get me wrong, I am really loving my Adderall and I'm not at all against medicating for issues that medication can fix, but medication doesn't always (or even usually) magically work at the perfect dose the first time out. I've never had a medication work for me like the Adderall does, and part of that is down to luck, finding the right med in the right dose on the first swing.

What you want, actually, is to find out why you're struggling, and to get help with that struggle. "Why you're struggling" may very well be ADHD, and "get help" may be medication, but framing it differently helps you to work towards a goal, instead of feeling like you're faking your way through. And it helps you get the help you need, not the help you may think you need. When I got evaluated for ADHD, I specifically asked also for an evaluation for Autism; I was pretty sure I didn't have it, but because my father did and brother does, I wanted to rule it out -- or get treatment for it, if it was that and not ADHD. I wanted a solution for my problem, but I wanted to make sure I knew what the problem WAS.

When you take an ADHD evaluation, most of them are really just a questionnaire (my eval was more extensive than most). They ask stuff like "Do you lose belongings frequently" and "Do you get told you interrupt a lot". As a student, you may be asked about your study habits, like whether you tend to do all your work last-minute, or whether you have trouble paying attention in class. Hiding behaviors, or lying about the ways you feel and act, is not going to help anyone get an accurate view of your issue, whether it's ADHD or something else. And it makes you look more like you're seeking drugs even if you aren't.

What you want to do, when speaking to someone about potentially having ADHD, is to show how you feel, behave, and act without coping mechanisms, which is different from concealing behaviors you think wouldn't be found acceptable. Do I lose my keys? Very, very rarely. You know why? Because I have a muscle-memory developed where without even thinking I put them either on a hook (at home) or in a special pocket of my bag (outside of home). Would I lose them constantly if I hadn't spent like fifteen years doing that? Sure would! When I spoke to my current psych, Dr. C., he asked me about the keys and I could have just lied and said "Yes, I lose them all the time." Instead, I said "I used to. I had to develop really strict protocols about where my keys go, and if I break protocol yeah, I do lose them." That actually made him MORE convinced I had ADHD, because he understood I saw the problem, fixed the problem, and still struggle sometimes. Context matters, it's not something you can hide if you want to get to the truth.

If you receive a diagnosis, the next step is to get help, and this is where you may need to be a little more focused on a goal. My initial evaluator suggested an "executive function coach" and coping mechanisms; she was against medication. I knew that I wouldn't benefit from a coach and I already have coping mechanisms, and I was still struggling, so I made the decision to speak to someone with a specialty in medication management, who I knew would be more open to prescribing for me. I said "My last psych recommended coping mechanisms. I'm not happy with white-knuckling my way through life anymore and I want to try medication."

Presumably you, like me, don't have a history of substance misuse or physical issues that would make it impossible to take the meds, so trying medication is an option you should be allowed to explore. But you may have to be a bit of a self-advocate there, and framing it as "I want to try this treatment option" instead of "I want medication" is a better way to go, both for yourself and for the person treating you.

This is a process where, unfortunately, we combine "You have to be open and transparent about your struggle" and "Sometimes the psychiatrist you speak to is a dickhead and will take advantage of that." It is still important to be honest, to say "I need help, I think this is how I need help, can you confirm this for me" and just know that if your dickhead alarm goes off, you can smile and nod and go get a second opinion later. Hopefully you have someone in your corner who can help you with this, since as a young person your dickhead alarm is not yet finely tuned. (No shade; it's probably better than mine was at your age.)

At the end of the day, I hope you're safe, I wish you luck, and I want you to get a diagnosis and some GREAT meds. I just think it's really important for someone to tell you that you don't have to hide parts of yourself in order to get there. You're in a new part of your life now, hopefully with people who care about you, and relearning how to feel safe and be vulnerable in that safety can be really difficult and also very frightening. But it's good for you, and it's the best possible way to get the help you need. GOOD LUCK!

[moon-light-jukebox]

Learning Styles - [Reid x Reader]

Summary: Reader has worked hard to get to the FBI, but a misunderstanding has her feeling insecure. 

Pairing: Spencer Reid / Fem!Reader

Word Count: 2.5k

Genre: Fluff

Rating: PG

Content Warning: Mention of normal criminal minds stuff briefly. 

A/n: I got these two requests and they were so similar I decided to combine them. I hope that’s okay, but I feel like the stories would have been almost identical. 

Requests:  - I have a fic suggestion. Reader pretends to be dumb but is actually really smart. I’m thinking of that quote about marilyn ”you have to be really smart to pretend to be dumb”. One day spencer realizes that reader is smarter than she lets people know.

- Hi! Can I request a spencer reid x reader fic where reader isn't great with numbers but brilliant with behaviour and humanities (i.e. literature, history, sociology, up to you)? Maybe a dash of insecurity to spice things up?

-- Learning Styles -- 

My favorite professor in college told me that everyone learns differently; what works for one person won’t work in the same way for another. We are all different human beings that are shaped in different ways.

I had always been oddly insecure about my intelligence level. One of my earliest memories was my mother yelling at me while I sat at the kitchen table when I was in first grade. I was the only kid in my class who still hadn’t learned how to read. I just didn’t understand. All of my friends were progressing so much quicker than me and my mother was losing patience.

It wasn’t until my grandmother stepped in that everything changed. My elementary school teacher was training children to read by memorizing sight words, a concept I didn’t understand. When my grandmother sat down and taught me phonics. I distinctly remember everything snapping into place.

I was in 1st grade and reading at a 7th-grade level by Christmas. Once I finally understood my learning style, I really began to thrive.

But no matter what I did, I could still hear my mother yelling at me, telling me I was stupid.

In my line of work, I see just how much the throw away comments that parents make can shape a child’s development. Luckily, those comments just made me a bit insecure, not a murderer.

Up until I was 22, I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do beyond this desire I had to help people. SSA David Rossi had come to guest lecture in one of my abnormal psych classes during undergrad. After I heard him speak, I was done. I couldn’t have done anything else with my life. I had obtained my master’s in psychology before I joined the FBI.

It took some time, but I was finally assigned to the Behavioral Analysis Unit at Quantico. I was so excited on my first day that I remember my hands physically shaking.

Until they weren’t.

I can still remember my first day so clearly. SSA Hotchner had introduced me to the team, saving the “best” for last.

“And this is Dr. Spencer Reid,” he had said. “He’s our expert on…well, everything.”

Reid was my age and he had his Ph.D. I remember feeling awed by him.

Until I didn’t.

"I hold 3 Ph.D.'s in Chemistry, Engineering, and Mathematics. I also have BAs in psychology and sociology."

I remember my jaw almost hitting the floor. While I was impressed by him, I wasn’t insecure about my place on the team.

Until I was.

My grandmother may have helped me master reading, which opened the door to me mastering anything else I put my mind to…except math.

I was fine at statistics, luckily. You couldn’t get a psych degree without a ton of statistics work. But statistics was different, I could see the practical use of statistics. I just couldn’t wrap my head around calculus or algebra.

On my first case with the team, Reid had calculated some insane mathematical equations on the whiteboard, running down the probabilities and applying a mathematical formula to the unsub’s behavior.

It wasn't until later, after the case was solved when I was standing in front of the whiteboard that my confidence was hit. Reid had come into the room and saw me looking at his work.

“Don’t bother trying to understand it,” he had said. “You’d have to be a genius to understand what I do.”

I didn’t have a word to describe the feeling that settled in my stomach at his words, I wasn’t sure such a word existed. The feeling was cold and heavy, but also made my body burn with shame.

I had just offered him a tight smile before I left the room.

On the plane home I had made a decision. I was no match for Dr. Reid, I doubt anyone was. So, I would take myself out of the competition. I couldn’t get hurt if I wasn’t playing the game.

And that is how the next year of my life went. I allowed Dr. Reid to explain things to me that I was an expert in, never saying a word. I acted like I didn't understand concepts that I had written papers on. The only thing I didn't dumb down was my profiling skills. Those were necessary for my job and for saving lives.

I don’t think anyone realized what I was doing.

Until they did.

--

The team had been called to Colorado to assist in capturing a serial rapist.

All of our cases bothered me, every last one…but something about ones with this vile element really struck me.

We had the unsub’s name, Tyler Childress. He had spent time in prison for sexual assault and burglary. It seems while he was in prison, he spent time perfecting his methods; it was only by pure luck that we found his fingerprint inside the victim’s house, making him the main suspect.

When we paid Mr. Childress a visit, he had managed to get the drop on Prentiss and Morgan, allowing them to escape. Morgan was furious.

All of us were sitting around a conference table in the local prescient while we let Dr. Reid talk.

I was trying to be calm, I was, but my nails were digging into my palm so deeply I was worried I was about to draw blood.

“Guys,” the expert on everything said. “He has to have some sort of accomplice.”

Rossi just sighed. “But the profile doesn’t point to him being the sort to do well with others; he’s a narcissist.”

Reid wouldn’t budge. “I know that, but he isn’t intelligent enough to pull this off alone. He’s just not. He had an IQ test done when he was 20. He scored in the mentally handicapped range. I’m telling you he has to have help.”

“Are you sure, Reid?” Hotch asked.

“Positive. I have his results right here.”

“IQ tests aren’t a good measure of intelligence on their own.”

I was so startled that someone had contradicted Dr. Reid that it took me a second to realize it was me who had contradicted him.

He turned to face me; his brown eyes wide. “What?”

Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. “IQ tests aren’t a good measure of intelligence.”

Dr. Reid laughed. He laughed at me like my comment was funny. “I don’t know where you heard that,” he began.

But I interrupted him. "IQ tests are classist and oftentimes racist. The man who invented the IQ test never intended for it to be used as a complete measure of intelligence. He regretted making the test.”

Reid sputtered. “You…it’s not racist!”

“Yes. It. Is.” I ground out. “If it wasn’t it wouldn’t be illegal to administer an IQ test to a black child in the state of California.”

"Wait, it's illegal to do that?" JJ asked, her brows drawn together.

"Yes. There was a court case in the 1970s over it. Teachers were using tests to separate white children from black children. The black children were put into special education classes they didn’t need to be in. Just because the teachers didn’t want those children in their classrooms.”

I should have stopped, but I was on a role. “They’re also inherently classist. How can you expect a child to answer a question about Romeo and Juliet if they haven’t heard of it?”

That had Dr. Reid scoffing. “Everyone has heard of it.”

I shot to my feet, unable to hold back anymore. “No, they haven’t. Children in underfunded schools that don’t have access to resources might not have heard about the most famous play in history because their school wasn’t able to provide the materials to teach them about it. There was a study done in a remote part of Russia right after the IQ test was invented. Every. Single. Person. Scored in the mentally handicapped range. Because they didn’t understand.”

I knew my voice was rising but I couldn’t stop myself. “Once the researcher took the questions and applied them to things they understood, they all scored as above average. They didn’t understand math as an abstract concept, but they understood it when it was applied to their businesses, to something they actually knew about.”

I cleared my throat. “The test isn’t fair, it’s not equal. Tyler Childress didn’t go to a good school and he didn’t have a stable home life. You can’t use one measure to calculate his intelligence. He’s gotten away with 7 assaults so far that we know of. He’s not stupid.”

The entire room was silent once I had stopped speaking. I couldn’t bring myself to regret it though. What kind of person was I if I played dumb because I was afraid of being mocked when a monster was out there attacking women? No, those women deserved to have me at my best.

And I’ll be damned if I wouldn’t give it to them.

Rossi spoke first, his eyes twinkling when he looked at me. “Took you long enough,” he said. “But y/n is right. We trust the profile; we don’t let personal bias cloud the way. That’s how we catch this bastard.”

--

Later that day, we were cleaning up the conference room while the local police processed Tyler Childress.

Pathological narcissism is a complex disorder, but we followed the profile and Rossi was right. Hotch set up a press conference in which JJ and Prentiss took center stage. They tore Childress’s ego to shreds on live television.

His narcissism wouldn’t allow that to slide. He got angry, he made a mistake, and we got him before anyone else got hurt.  

While the cat was out of the bag about my intelligence and that made me nervous, I couldn't regret any of it. I got to be the one to tell our last victim that we got him. I got to hug her while she cried because now that he was locked up, she felt like her healing could begin. I wasn’t sure if my rant about structural racism and the classism of IQ tests actually helped anything, but that didn’t really matter. There was one less monster in the shadows.

Today was a good day.

I was alone in the conference room, untacking photos from the evidence board when I heard someone clear their throat from behind me. I turned my head to meet the wide, honey brown eyes of Dr. Spencer Reid.

Oh boy, I thought. “What’s up, Reid?”

He shifted from foot to foot, his hands twisting in front of him before he crossed his arms over his chest. “I asked Garcia to look into you.”

My eyebrows drew together. “I’m pretty sure any nefarious things I had done would have popped up on my initial background check.”

“Right, I didn’t mean like that,” he mumbled, the apples of his cheeks turning pink. “I asked her to look into you academically.”

Shit.

He went on. “You double majored in psychology and sociology before you got a master’s in cultural psychology. She pulled your thesis. I just read it.”

“I see.” I turned my attention back to the board.

“You also guest lecture on cross-cultural psychology at Georgetown several times a year. And you’ve co-authored two papers since I’ve known you.”

Meh, it’s three. But that doesn’t matter. “Did you read those too?”

I took his silence as confirmation.

He was so quiet I almost thought he had left, but the crackle of energy I felt in the air told me he hadn’t. “Do you need something, Dr. Reid?”

"Why didn't you get your Ph.D.?"

I had answered that question many, many times. “I didn’t need a doctorate to do what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to waste time. Once I figured out what I wanted, I charged at it.” Which was a far more honest answer than most people got about that from me.

“W-why did you pretend to be dumb?” he rasped out, causing me to look back at him. “32 days ago, you let me explain the long-term effects of gerrymandering and the complex causes of poverty.”

“Of course, I did,” I said, frowning. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“One of the papers you authored was about generational poverty.”

“Just because I know a lot about something doesn’t mean I can stop listening to information. That sort of thinking breeds ignorance.” I smiled, unable to not tease him just a little bit.

Reid took a step closer to me. “You didn’t answer my question.”

I just shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t have a good answer.”

In all the months I had known him, Spencer Reid had never touched me, not even so much as a finger brushing against mine when he handed me something. That fact is why I was so startled when I felt his hand on my upper arm, turning me towards him.

He licked his lips, his eyes darting around. “Did everyone else know?”

I shook my head, my teasing mood long gone. "No. I mean, clearly, Rossi suspected but…No, I didn't tell anyone else."

“I just don’t understand. You’re brilliant.”

I scoffed. “No, I’m not. I’m decent a psychology, sociology, stuff like that. I can’t apply math to behavior to find patterns. I can’t even calculate how much something is gonna cost when it’s on sale without a calculator half the time.”

‘What do you…” Reid trailed off. “Wait. The very first case. You were looking at the evidence board.”

Goddamn eidetic memory.

The boy wonder was on a roll now. “I told you that you’d have to…is that why you didn’t tell me?”

What else could I do? I just nodded.

Those brown eyes closed, and he let out a groan. “I said that because I thought you were going to…I was worried…” He huffed out a breath and opened his eyes. “I wanted you to like me. I didn’t want you to think I was just a nerd.”  

Now I was confused. “Why?”

Spencer Reid’s blush went all the way down his neck. “Well…I just…Morgan said I should just talk to you. But I’m not…I’m not good at that. I panic, then I start to ramble. Like I’m doing now…”

“Reid,” I interrupted. “I’m not playing dumb now. I really have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I like you,” he blurted out right before he smacked both of his hands over his face. “Oh my god. I sound like a child.” I thought I heard him mutter idiot under his breath. “Emily says that my IQ gets slashed to 60 whenever I see a pretty girl.”

Much like that moment all those years ago when I was a child, I felt everything click into place. Oh.

I couldn't suppress my smile any longer. I rose up on my tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Well, we've already gone over how IQ tests aren't a good measure of overall intelligence."  

With that, I quickly stepped away and hurried out of the conference room, leaving a stunned genius in my wake. When I turned back to look at him, I saw his fingers brushing over the place where my lips had just been.  

--

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[sallysoot]

    ↱ IT’S A CONVERSATION. ↲

in the drift, the two of you are made equal. 

[ pairing ; (pacific rim AU) philza x reader ] [ stats & warnings ; 3.3k, second person, general angstiness warnings apply + some descriptive-ish kaiju death! ] [ notes ; this one’s pure self-indulgence, but i SUPER wanted to write it regardless. i tried to make it pretty easy to understand whether you’ve seen pacific rim or not, though i don’t know if i succeeded. OTL also i cannot write action at all don’t come for me with the kwoon combat scene 😭 ]

          if your mind has ever shown you kindness, its most gracious act is when it buried the memories of the day the kaiju crawled from the depths of the ocean and laid waste to your hometown. only a child, then, you were much too young to understand that the earth shaking beneath your feet was the same rumble of impending doom that had sunk californian cities and crushed lives in its rubble. when you hear others speak of that day, it sounds to you like a simple fairytale with its terrible, grim ending left intact. hastily written history calls it abedus. those that mock your personal disaster with comedy on live television call it toe-biter. you wonder what you had called it, in those memories that your psyche keeps locked away.

          you think it might have been monster. 

          an overfed orphanage replaced your childhood home, when help finally dragged you from your hiding place in the aftermath. the dark fog around your recollection subsides when you think of those times, with little to eat and the ever-present sound of children crying for parents that, for the first time in their short lives, never came back. a girl in her late teens had seen you, shellshocked and unresponsive, and took it upon herself to be the first one to care about you. her heart ached for the loss she shared in kind with you; something that your own heart could yet to bear the worst of. her name was benji, and she told stories as expertly woven as handmade tapestry. benji had promised you that when she left the orphanage, it would be to enlist in the jaeger academy. she even swore on her life that she would become a pilot to fight humanity’s latest foe. 

          ‘the kaiju will never hurt you again, okay? if any of them try, i’ll beat them up! they’d never get through me.’ she’d say, pretending to throw a punch at the air. you laughed, back then, at her pretending you were a kaiju and tickling you to death to demonstrate just how easily she’d emerge victorious. in your heart, though, you had hoped she’d never walk that path. the media made it seem glamorous, treating jaeger pilots like celebrities. but even as young as you were, you knew better than to think of it so casually.

          your silent prayers that benji would never graduate went unanswered, in the end. you saw her do it all, through the lens of the tv in the orphanage’s common room: graduate, fight, win, do interviews, become famous, promise to protect the people of the earth.

          then, in the end, you watched her die a death so horrible that there was nothing to recover or bury. her partner was dragged up from the ocean in mangled pieces, but they still had enough of him for a funeral, you heard. their jaeger, adder paladin, is laid to rest in its own graveyard, too. more people seem to mourn the mech than they do its pilots; you resent them for that.

          only months later, you outgrew the orphanage, too. benji’s optimism had taken her down a path with an untimely end, and you never shared the same blind faith she did. instead, you had resigned yourself to this: if it is inevitable that the kaiju will wipe out humankind, someday, you’d far rather meet your own demise fighting than face it hidden away in a bunker with a hundred terrified strangers.

          so you ghost through the jaeger academy. for four years, you are a specter taking tests and doing drills without leaving a trace of your presence behind. your scores speak for themselves when you refuse to; those numbers that summarize precious years of your life are what place you on a list of partner candidates for a man that you had thought much too legendary to be real, until you see him standing before you.

          phil zagami, notorious first for his victory streak and second for his vanishing act on the day it ended, stares straight through you. through everyone, really. his demeanor is heavy, its weight leaning into you as another candidate steps forward to challenge him. the last one before you, you realize. phil’s disinterest is palpable. he steps back, showing a respectful bow to his opponent— just a split second before he sweeps his staff under her leg on the first strike, sending her to the floor with a startled gasp. the time is called out from across the room. two point four seconds, and her chance had ended.

          as she collects herself and leaves the mat, phil looks to you. this time, he sets his gaze upon you instead of looking beyond. his winter-blue eyes pierce holes into yours; they invite you silently forward. so you move, gripping your staff in clammy palms and letting your feet sink into the mat. phil bows to you, so you return that respect to him.

          “let’s talk,” he says, a hint of light melting through the ice of his stare.

          a cold chill runs through your right shoulder, down to your fingertips. wide-eyed, you narrowly dodge phil’s first strike on that side. electric currents spark under your skin, guiding your foot forward to swing for his hip. he blocks you, turning on his heel to hook his foot under your knee while that foot is lifted. you lurch to that side in an attempt to force your balance. when you manage it, somehow, you swing the staff down, over his head. he clutches his own in both hands, blocking the attack with a wooden clack. 

          feeling the path of his next move, you block his return towards your chest. when you step forward, he steps back; you, to the side, him, to the side with you, circling the mat.

          it’s a dance, percussion kept in time with every breath and resounding noise of colliding weapons. the weight of his presence becomes light. his grim expression shifts into a smile and you think you might be smiling, too. phil catches you off balance on the next turn of your waltzing, catching the crook of your knee on his staff and jerking backwards.

          your back hits the floor, the wind leaving your body with it. as you lie on the floor, trying to catch your breath, phil stands over you. his chest rises and falls in time with your own. perfectly in sync, like co-pilots should be. he leans forward with his hand outstretched. you take it, letting him pull you up from the ground. when you’re upright again, he doesn’t let go right away; instead, he raises your joined hands to the air.

          the once-hopeful candidates watching your ‘conversation’ offer their support, clapping and cheering for you both. for the first time in a long time, you don’t feel like a ghost. phil saw you, when you danced, in a way no one has before him. you wonder if this is how benji felt, the moment that she and marley had chosen each other.

          phil chose you. so you choose him, too, then and there.

          with your first dialogue over, you move swiftly to the second, that night at dinner. the chatter of the room goes quiet as you focus on him, listening to his voice like it’s the only thing that matters.

          “where did you go when you retired?” you ask, curiosity taking its hold.

          “i’d hardly call that retiring. i didn’t get a 401k or anything,” phil replies with a little shrug.

          “okay, not retired... left, then?”

          phil looks away, suddenly finding the contents of his plate much more interesting than you. “you’ll find out, won’t you?”

         “what do you mean?” 

         “when we drift,” he says. “you’ll know everything, then.”

          realization washes over you. you’d almost forgotten that your designation as co-pilots is far from over. you shudder to think of him trawling through your memories, seeing every embarrassing moment and failure you’ve ever lived through. you know that it’s a necessity, in order to sync your minds to one another and the jaeger, but you wish it could be any other way. “right...” you murmur.

          “don’t go getting all reluctant on me, now. it’s not as bad as you think.” phil pushes the rice on his plate around for a moment and takes in your palpable uneasiness. “the psychologists that made the whole thing say that the ‘modesty reflex’ is one of the main reasons people aren’t able to drift. they panic and hide things, so it fails. we could get it out of the way now, if you want.”

         “uhhh-” you raise a hand, shaking your head in panic.

         “here, i’ll go first,” phil proposes. he doesn’t gve you the chance to interject before continuing, “when i was a recruit, i had this one picture from a magazine of megan fox. i liked it. i mean i really liked it, so-”

          “ew! okay, okay, no, i’ll just wait for the drift to get a load of that image, thanks.” you try to sound a bit serious, but it’s all for show and you start giggling. when phil laughs, too, your suppressed laughter gets loud until you’re cackling in the corner of the table with him. your sides feel like they might split, and it isn’t until someone from another table exclaims ‘shut up!’ that you quiet down. when phil looks at you a split second later, though, you get carried away all over again.

          that night, after practically getting heckled out of the cafeteria, you stare up at the ceiling and wonder how the drift will go, when the time comes. the next few weeks pass in a hurry; fourteen-hour training sessions in the combat room leave you tired but nonetheless fulfilled, and your skills become rounded out with the help of phil’s experience. soon, perhaps too soon, the time comes to drift with him.

         phil tries to keep your spirits high with laughter and reassurance, but he can’t hide the unease in his own form, either. he looks different, in the drivesuit; he looks like the man that you saw on tv, the one that took on impossible odds and won. there’s that hollowness to his face,though, that makes him recognizeable to you, as your friend and co-pilot. 

          you’ve never truly set foot in a jaeger before now, and its sheer scale becomes all the more apparent as you’re brought to stand in the cockpit with him. phil looks to you as the suits connect, locking you in to the fate that you’ve chosen. “they told you already,” he says, “but don’t chase the RABIT. they’re just memories, alright? don’t linger on any of them, no matter how real they feel.”

          “...i don’t remember things that happened, when i was young. will you see them?” you ask. “will i?”

          “yes, i’ll see them. do you want me to tell you what i saw, when we’re done?”

          “no, i... don’t want to know,” you decide, settling back and taking in a deep breath. some things are better left forgotten. you close your eyes and wait for the drift to begin.

          the robotic, tinny voice overhead tells you: neural handshake initiated. all at once, you’re dragged through what feels like a pane of glass, thrust into a shattering field of blue over your vision. you see yourself, young and untouched by the cruelty of the years ahead, laughing on a swingset with once-familiar hands pushing you forward. it goes blank, dark, until you re-emerge on the other side in the orphanage with benji. you see yourself stutter over a presentation in your second year of high school, and the time your first date stood you up. you see your failures laid out so plain and simple that it stings. all at once, those are overtaken by the crushing weight of watching the last news report about benji that ever ran. your memories play out like cinema, taking phil with you through each set of grief and embarrassment and every ‘first’ you remember living through. every time you want to hide, you force yourself to keep the wall down; you want this. you want to be a jaeger pilot with phil and continue the legacy that was promised to you. 

          the kaiju will never hurt you again, okay?

          the memory passes by, too, but you wish you could cling to it. you want to live in that time again, when there was only you and the promise of a future that was too distant to think of as reality just yet. when you leave this place, for the first battle that you will take on, will you be afraid? will phil be afraid, with you?

          just before your side of the neural load stabilizes, phil sees a memory of only weeks ago, of you reading through old articles about him and the battles he’d won. you nearly try to block him out of it at the moment you see yourself go red, flustered by the thought of him. of all the embarrassing things, you dread to think that had to be among them. even so, you let him walk through it, and for the first time, you have been seen. so truly and deeply that every vulnerability is exposed, handed over to him with faith that he won’t exploit it. your trust belongs to him alone. so much that parts of yourself invisible even to you have been handed over to him to keep safe; even the hours upon hours spent training with him couldn’t have prepared you for being flayed open with your heart rendered bare.

          so when phil lets you in, you think you’re ready to be shown the very same thing. his childhood is warm, and the gentle comfort of it doesn’t subside until later than in your own. you watch a kaiju tear up the seaside town he’d called home. the ground splits apart with all the struggle of eggshells underfoot, and his mother is swallowed by the earth seconds after she pushes him away from her.  you see him try to reach for her into the darkness of the pit, knelt by the edge and calling down to her in a voice shattered by overuse. he turns to look at the ocean when great calamity stirs up even more noise; a jaeger you don’t recognize rushes the kaiju, wrestling it beneath the surface of the water. its hands go violet-hot as it grips the head of the kaiju, squeezing and squeezing while the thing screeches, writhes, until its skull bursts open. toxic blood and brain matter sizzle away on the hands of the victor while phil watches in silent awe of the power before him.

          he lives with his grandparents, always thinking of the pilots that had saved the survivors of the wreckage, until he enrolls in the same academy you had attended. you see him surpass his classmates, until he graduates with incredible honors and goes straight to combat with his co-pilot: a pretty woman with silvery-white hair. you see the two of them get married a year later, then have a son a little after that. when she dies of sepsis in the aftermath, your heart aches to watch him raise the boy alone. even so, you feel the adoration in every moment they spend together. you watch him grow up and follow proudly in the path of his father. 

           wilbur becomes a pilot with an ego and the skill to back it up. he’s quick-thinking, showing the effects of his training since youth. he and phil become co-pilots, taking on battle after battle and coming away with glory. there’s a crack of thunder that marks the change in memory; you’re inside of the jaeger with them, now, and there’s flashing lights and flying sparks that tell you everything has gone wrong. with a horrible screeching sound, a long spike spears through the cockpit.

           and through wilbur. he chokes and gasps for air while phil shouts at him, watching the lifeblood pool at his feet. he’s in agony unspeakable, but you can hear it in his voice when he begs, “dad, it hurts- fuck just kill me!”

           so he does, sobbing as he takes a loose-hanging tube from the ceiling and slips it under wilbur’s helmet. your confusion turns to dreadful understanding; toxic gas will kill him even faster than bleeding out, it will make his passage less painful.

          phil pilots the jaeger alone, in piercing agony as he shares the burden of wilbur’s death with him, feeling all the pain and terror until it goes dark. the neural link is severed, there’s a complete void and emptiness where it should be. he’s not been truly alone for so long. he finishes off the kaiju in a furious twist around its neck. the beast dies, and phil nearly goes with it; the neural load is too much for one person, after all.

          he has a stroke the very moment he crashes upon the shore. it leaves him weak and useless for months. you feel his rage and frustration, trapped in his own mind and unable to speak. his body recovers, he regains his full capability in what doctors call a miracle. though his body heals, his heart does not, and the anger makes him a vicious man until they ask him to pilot again. he doesn’t want to lose another co-pilot, you hear in his protests; they eventually die out as he finds that he hates kaiju more than he fears another loss. 

          memories of the past months flicker by easily, until his side is stabilized, too. it feels as though you’ve lived through years, yet you know it’s been only moments. synced with one another and the machine, you think to reach a hand out and phil does it with you. you can feel the weight and power you’re controlling with every move, even as you turn your hand upright and give a thumbs up. phil looks to you with a wide smile. you feel his excitement and his exhaustion like it’s your own-- and it’s exhilerating to be one with another person.

          when the test is over and you’re released from the jaeger, you stumble giddily down the platform next to phil. “amazing,” you breathe, nudging your shoulder up against his. “you’re amazing. everything you did was.”

          phil shrugs, but you see him trying not to smile. “all of it was what i had to do,” he replies.

          you hesitate a little before slipping your hand into his, interlocking your fingers. “okay, mr. humble. would you rather i focus on the megan fox thing, then?”

         he laughs and rolls his eyes. “no, no, i’m good.” phil turns to you as he pauses on the platform, squeezing your hand. his expression goes a bit somber as he says, “we’ve both lost a lot, already. but i don’t want to lose you next. so when we go out there, for real... don’t be stupid. or overconfident, or whatever.”

          seeing the time for jesting is over, you nod. “i won’t.” you lean back against the wall and he follows, heaving a sigh as he does. “we’re in this together. we’ll win, together.”

          phil lets go of your hand to hug you, instead, pulling you close. “and losing?” he murmurs.

          you rest your head against him, arms wrapping just as tight around him. “that, too. together, from now until the end.”

          he rubs the small of your back with his palm outstretched. “you’re supposed to say we won’t lose.” 

          “fine, then. we won’t lose,” you concede. it feels as though you’ve known each other for far longer than a number of weeks; more like a lifetime, after having seen each other’s. you tip your head to look at him and see that he’s already looking at you, and the two of you move in sync even without the aid of the drift. phil runs his fingers along your jaw, leaning down to kiss you. 

          it’s a dance, too.

[sxfik]

han seo headcanons (part 4)

writing this is cathartic tbh. of course, i always write on the days i have an exam to prep for (aka my lit exam tmrw thats technically today)!! we make good life decisions here at clown nation <3

< prev

read on ao3

tw: mentions of abuse

the first time they competed, vincenzo was away on his buisness trip to italy. he had some loose ends to tie up after his little contract and getting paulo off the helm of the mafia.

which meant that jipuragi was particularly empty without the italian-korean's presence. no one to give han seo a pat on his back. no one to look over cha-young's shoulder.

they all felt it hard, as if the firm had a huge hole where vincenzo is supposed to be

han seo felt himself looking at his desk every single time he passed by it. the first day was more jarring than the rest, he had gotten used to vincenzo's presence in his life.

it was a particularly late friday night at jipuragi. han seo lugged into the firm a gigantic stack of contracts and internal documents about babel so the laywers and him can go through each one. cha-young had to carry both her and vincenzo's load for that week with vincenzo in italy.

they were stressed and tired and had a million paper cuts from sorting through each pile of documents. all three of them were working quietly, the silence comfortable, save for the sounds of russling paper and pens scratching across notepads

"alright, i'm off for the night. i have a airplane competition tomorrow morning and i need jason to fly far for me so i can finally win that 500 dollar prize. goodnight byeonosanim, mr. jang" the paralegal said as he put on his satchel and took out his cycle. he waved his goodbyes as the he left, leaving han seo and cha-young in the office by themselves.

they had only known each other for two weeks, really. han seo always met his hyung vincenzo over drinks or over at his house. he only ever saw the pretty lawyer from a distance, usually when taking note of how his hyung vincenzo dotes over her just so he can tease him about her

and use her to distract his hyung

it always works

cha-young didn't know much about the young ceo, despite meeting him a couple times from her time at wusang. part of her never wanted to trust him, even though he had proven himself and his loyalty to vincenzo, because in the world she lived in, everyone could betray the other at any time

but his presence in the office was comforting to her. he had come in, dressed like an 80s disco star and all asking if he could join the team, and somehow, he stuck with her.

something in her wanted to trust him. he seemed unassuming and loyal to the core, especially to vincenzo. the way he always walked into the firm grinning, visiting the plaza residents. he had an energy about him that reminded him of a younger sibling she's always wanted

but she was burned once with prosecutor jung and she's learned her lesson so it was time for the ultimate test

"are you hungry?" she asked, shuffling through her papers one last time before standing up, and putting the stacks back into their file system

han seo was startled for a second, his head buried deep with in the papers, the words almost swimming together with the amount of times he had to look through these contracts

for a second, he thought she was speaking to vincenzo, not himself before he remembered that vincenzo wasn't here this week

"Oh yes, byeonosanim. Would you like to order something or..?" he'd replied as he stood up from his seat, giving his legs a strech. he had forgotten just how tired he was until she asked him, his body feeling the effects of running the company and being at jipuragi

"Yeah, we can. I have the perfect restaurant to get some food from! they're always open late too so it's really convenient" she quipped back, her back facing him as she started putting all the contracts back into place and started pulling out new ones to look over

he followed suit, clearing up the table he was working on and moving to the paralegal’s desk.

even though his work was often hard for him to understand, the legal and formal language needing multiple reads, he felt refreshed each time he came to the plaza

he'd established a daily routine here, going to check on the hee-soo at the snack bar, visiting the pawnshop

he's quite good with his hands. he'd always known he had a knack for taking things apart and fixing them, which especially helped at the pawnshop when college students and older families would come by with broken tablets and gadgets.

even though he was rich, barely anything was spent on him when his dad was alive. every single new outfit or toy always went to han-seok, where as he was stuck with the ragged hand me downs, and old toys.

so when he had gotten his first phone, and broken the keypad, (because han seok threw it across the room when he got angry that he had the same model as his illegitimate brother) he understood it was up to him to figure it out.

he was always good at taking things apart, from all his toy cars to majority of the gadgets and clocks he had in his house.

(there was a day, when he was younger, that he took apart han seok's toy car. the next school day he walked around with gloves, trying to forget about how his cuts hurt as he curled his fingers around a pencil)

taking things apart and then putting them back together the same way was somehow natural to him. but of course, none of that mattered since he couldn't score well enough on his exams to get past the courses he needed to into engineering. plus, he could imagine the sneer on his father's face if he told him what path he was considering...

for most of his life, he'd felt useless compared to his brother. he was never the quick-witted boy at school, failing his english courses and having to go to cram schools and tutoring sessions just to pass by.

he hated going to school everyday, having the teachers shame him for not being as smart as his brother, not being as charismatic or as smooth talking

the exam days were always the worst. looking at the exam sheet, his palms sweaty and his throat tight as he looked at the questions

the doubt was overwhelming. the pressure made him sweat and freeze up even though he knew the problems.

the kids at his schools always seemed to prefer han seok, for some weird reason, when to him he's always been the menace in his life.

han seok was the one to head the company. the one he can't measure up to in front of his father. the one to push the family forward. every bit of praise, every second of attention, it all went to han seok.

han seo was the mistake. the one who always fucked it up. the one who seemed to mess up his brother's plans.

his brother seemed to take it upon himself to remind him that he wasn't meant to be alive. and their father, believing it to be good for han seo, would force him to be tutored by han seok every day.

his brother had a field day with it, finding the most creative ways to abuse and torture him

of course, he's not allowed to say a word about it.

at first, working at jipuragi was anxiety inducing, sweat drenching his shirt each time he brought a document he thought useful to vincenzo, his throat closing up imagining the consequences of fucking up

he knew deep down, that vincenzo wasn't like his brother, he will not hurt him, he will not kill him

but the anxiety and panic are second nature to him

his eyes were glued to his shoes after he handed it over to vincenzo.

vincenzo paused, looking over the document with scrutiny. and his body was automatically bracing for a slap, a punch. at the very least a snide remark or a sneer.

instead he looked up at han seo, nodding, and told him "this is very useful. thank you."

thank you.

thank you. he blinked.

the words echoed in his head as he replayed them back over and over. thank you. in all his years working, no one had said thank you. no words of appreciation were ever dealt for doing his job. for doing something right.

unable to think of a reply, he walked back to his desk and sat down, the shock overwhelming him before he got his mind working again

although it took him double the time to go through the contracts than it did vincenzo or cha-young, he was never berated. there was never a comment about how slow he was, how he wasn't cut out for this, only appriciative glances and words when he did well

and when he didn't, they corrected him, gently. never maliciously, never taunting, always gentle.

and for the first time, he could breathe

the time passed by quickly as they both continued working in silence, han seo finishing up half a stack before the doorbell rang.

"i'll get it! ceo jang, can you set the table up?" cha-young looked toward as she went to grab the food from the delivery man

"yes, byeonosanim" he replied as he went to grab some disposable plates and wooden chopsticks from the cabinet

he set everything out just in time for the lawyer to set the food down. he squinted at the bowls she pulled out, the bright red liquid a stark contrast to the white containers.

"uh, byeonosanim, what is that?"

"hm? oh it's fire noodles. you don't mind spice do you, han seo?" she quirked her eyebrow at him, her voice sickly sweet

and he grinned at her and that was enough of an answer: it was showdown time.

so there he was, sitting across from cha-young, the container of red chili oil central to both of them. both of their suit coats were off, lest they start literally heating up.

oh, and if either of them reach for their water: they're out.

for about 10 seconds, they stared at each other, trying to psych each other out, before his phone timer counted down.

....3, 2, 1 and they were off!

both of them grabbed their chopsticks and spoons and ate two large bites and drank the broth before angling for one spoon full of chili oil into their noodles.

and on they went in this cycle, eating a bite and drinking broth, and pouring chili oil in after each cycle.

3 pours in, and they were still doing good, neither of them showing any signs of redness

6 pours in and his tongue was swollen, her eyes watery, their broth bright red

7 pours in and .... was it just him or was the room getting hotter?

8 and you could see the sweat dripping the lawyer's forehead, the sniffles of the lawyer getting louder and louder. meanwhile he was panting, trying to increase the circulation into his mouth

9 and their arms meet across the table, inches from the chili oil. their eyes lock, their faces bright red and the pain of his tongue unbearable

his eyes are squinted (from his eyes burning or from concentration, we'll never know) and the lawyer is making faces, trying to get him to give in

"it'll" *huff* "be easier" *huff* "if you give in now" *huff*

he laughed back, in response. "and let you win? no way. I'M getting that paper crown"

their eyes both glance at the flimsy, blue paper crown set upon it's carrier, a stack of contracts

she scoffed back (and almost choked) "absolutely not"

they stare each other down as they pour more in and go for another round

they swallow and in that second, cha-young made a fatal mistake

she breathed in the fumes. and coughed. and grabbed the water before she could think about it.

"AHAHA I WIN!!" he yelled out, the chair flying back as he jumped up, the layer of sweat easing up when he grabbed the bottle of water and chugged the whole thing down

the lawyer on the other hand, was slumped in the seat, taking the opportunity to also chug the water.

for around 10 seconds all they did was pant, getting their bodies back into a normal pace before cha-young spoke up

"fine i guess you win, have a great night!" she jabbered out quickly but he knew what she was trying to do

"nuh uh, nope, you're not getting out of this. we agreed! loser has to crown the winner." he grinned at her, his eyes completely closed as his happiness shone through

sighing, the lawyer grabbed the crown from it's holy pedastal and stomped over.

"tun ta da da !!! all hail king han seo, destroyer of spice, the unyielding one" she sang out, her voice deeper as traces of laughter tinted her voice

she placed the crown upon his name and bowed, "may he reign forever" and looked up and shot him a wink "at least, until i win next time"

he struck a superman pose, and puffed his chest out, before both of them crumbled into laughter, cha-young dramatic one ringing above his cackling

"we should do this again please, noona!" he wheezed out, his stomach hurting from laughter.

but it was only his ringing out, as hers cut out sharply.

"noona?"

he paused as his head whipped around to the lawyer, her head tilted as she looked at him

did i say that? i swear i called her byeonosanim... and he replayed the moment.

fuck.

"ah, i'm so sorry hong cha young byeonosanim, i overstepped, i apologize," he bowed in apology to her.

"do you call vincenzo byeonosanim hyung?"

"huh?" he looked up at her in confusion, "uh, yeah i do call him hyung. why?"

"you can call me noona then." she quipped back and for a second, he stared at her. wait what?

she clapped his back, and he choked on his spit, the clap knocking the air out of him "relax. you passed the test han-seo. i've always wanted a younger brother, you know? you can call me noona. as long as you remember your manners, that is," shooting him a wink

he glanced at her, before breaking out into the biggest grin, his gums peaking out.

"okay... cha-young noona!" he giggled, as they took their seats.

she grinned back, settling in.

"ah, you know noona, he said the same thing as you"

"huh?" she squinted back

"vin hyung! he said the same 'you better mind your manners'" han seo laughed as he mocked the korean-italian mafia's voice

"you know, that impression is spot on!" she laughed as he continued the voice, adding in the classic hand gestures, until both of them broke into laughter.

for some reason, both of them were instantly comfortable with one another.

for han seo, laughing with cha-young, trading insults and teasing felt warm, it felt like he'd found a best friend (a best friend who once upon a time he almost maimed by sending thugs after her, but she swore to him that all is forgiven) they had similar humor, similar tastes, similar personalities

for cha-young, he felt like a partner in crime. not like the way vincenzo her partner in life in crime, but in the way that they were both pranksters, both with similar personalities and bright humor

it felt like finding a sibling, a person to commit crimes with, a person to clown together with

"you know, noona, is vin hyung..." he paused mid-sentence, contemplating if he could ask this.

"go on, han seo" cha-young encouraged him, one hand bringing the bottle of water to her mouth

"is he your boyfriend?" he rushed out the words and—

he was sprayed in the face.

cha-young was sputtering as the water dripped off his face, and his eyes shut as he wiped off the excess

"yah, why would you even ask that?" she scoffed out refusing to meet his eyes, but he could see the red tint creeping up on her neck and her cheeks

he shot her a look.

"yeah, yeah okay. he and i are... partners"

"oh." he quipped back, a sinister smile slowly spreading across his face

"no, no, no" she shook her at him, "i do not have a crush on him"

he raised an eyebrow back "who said anything about a crush hm, noona?"

she froze and he knew he'd have next weeks entertainment sorted

"you know maybe i'll take back that younger brother thing if this is how it's like" she taunted, but he didn't feel any hurt. instead her teasing just made his heart soar, her teasing somehow a comfort

"oh, we're just getting started!" he quipped back, as they cleaned up for the night, continuing their conversation as they restored the firm back to order.

"i've noticed you going to the pawnshop a lot recently" she noted, as she grabbed a stack of contracts to put back into the filing cabinet

"ahh, yeah i've been helping them out. they're having a baby you know and it must be hard on both of them to run the shop" he responded as he stacked another set of contracts together, clearing Mr. Nam's desk

"you should do it."

"what?"

"study electronics. or at least continue working for the pawnshop."

he stared at her.

how did she know? for someone so bright and busy he didn't expect her to be so observant to him.

"oh please, like it's hard to notice. i've seen the way you always seem to be happier as you pass by the pawnshop. when i popped in during lunch, i saw you, hunched over the tablet. it's the happiest i've seen you look."

"oh." he grew quiet "it's a little too late, don't you think noona? for me to even consider that? i'd be a little foolish to follow that"

she sighed and turned to him, grabbing the stack from his arms. "let me tell you a story han seo. i'm 34 years old and a lawyer and don't get me wrong, i love doing this. but when i was little my dream was always to sing. but for years, i pushed it back, thinking i could never do it."

she stuffed the papers to the back corner, somehow managing to stuff it in and turned back to him.

"so, noona? did you do it?"

"patience. a couple weeks after my final exam for law school, i said why the hell not. and now i've been taking lessons one and off for years!"

"you should give a demo!! sing for us"

"oh, please i couldn't possibly do it" she tucked her hair back, looking bashful.

"ple-" he barely got the words out.

"oh of course, if you insist!" she grabbed the empty water bottle and climbed on her stool, the makeshift stage for the night

"noona! noona!!" han seo cheered her on as she stood up. she cleared her throat, moving her head to the side and warming up

and she opened her mouth.

and sang.

if you could call that singing.

what came out was more of a series of tone-deaf screeches, making him wince but mask his face with a smile, trying to solider through the pain.

he clapped as SOON as she finished the last note, his ears grateful for the break. she took a flourished bow as she jumped off the stool

"how was it?"

"noona, that was amazing!" he lied, trying his best to stop the ringing in his ears.

she smacked him with her water bottle "yah! you liar! i'm god awful" she made one of her classic faces.

"you know??? and you made me endure that???" he touched his ears. he expected to see blood but luckily the damage wasn't too bad

"YAH!" she smacked him again. "you brat, the point isn't that i'm good or not."

"then what is?" his eyebrows furrowed as he looked in confusion.

if you're not good at it then what really is the point? why should i keep trying?

"the point is that i'm happy. it doesn't matter how good you are at something for you to consider it an interest, as long as it makes you happy."

he paused. no one had ever said that before. to do what makes him happy. not what made his father or his brother happy. everyone's advice all his life was to stick to what you're good at and that there isn't a point in trying if you aren't good from the beginning.

"look i'm terrible at singing. but i know that if i had never pursued it, i would have grown old and regretted it. so what if i am bad! at least i got to do it while i'm alive! give electronics a shot, han seo."

han seo bit his lip slightly. and he nodded.

he was going to give it a shot.

"good! now lets get this cleaned up and go home!" she sashayed off to her desk, grabbing the last of her stuff before they left the firm.

the next week, when vincenzo was back from italy, he had expected to find the firm just like he left it. what he didn't expect was his girlfriend wife partner and brother han seo, one sprawled on the couch and the other on the floor, piles of blankets and what looked like a mic and SEVERAL bottles of sujo scattered across the table.

they were both in matching pajama sets, and snoring very loudly. he shuffled over to his desk where a note that looked like it was written in crayon was left

and it said

"dear vin hyung: noona and i were having a sleepover last night. i made sure she was extra safe and did not do anything overly amitious (like call you in the middle of the night to ask you if you had to leave) if you are seeing the mess that we probably made, please excuse it. i will clean it up as soon as i can. grazie!

p.s. you should ask noona out sometime, i have it in good word that she might be interested ;)

to be continued...

a/n: let this be a fic reminding you that if you are passionate about something, pursue it! our world conditions us to believe that you have to be good at something in order to be able to do it but that's absolute bs. please give your younger and future selves a chance by taking up something you've always wanted to do <3

[theuniversitychallengereview]

UC 51.13 - Wolfson, Ox vs Bristol

I am allergic to dairy. Or at least I believe I am. This is different to lactose intolerance in that it has symptoms more in line with your typical bout of hayfever, rather than those of a more gastrointestinal bent that you get with intolerance. In other words - cheese makes me sneeze. 

I first discovered this about a year ago when I had something containing milk after a month of testing out various vegan cheeses (having previously been a cheese sandwich on the daily kind of guy). I was completely wiped out with a runny nose, runny eyes, achy joints, heavy head kind of illness for about a day or so. Now, this is a kind of illness that had been plaguing me for years, but I’d never stopped long enough to think about what the cause could be. I just sort of assumed that I was a person who would always suffer a base level of ‘having a cold’ and would occasionally and seemingly randomly get taken out by an extreme instance of it every once in a while. 

After this first incident last year I conducted an experiment on myself whereby I swore off all dairy products for a month and then consumed in as little time as is physically possible, a large takeaway pizza with extra cheese and a large portion of cheesy chips. The next day I was struck down by the same severe sniffles and was forced into a life sans-cheese sandwiches for the first time in living memory. I called the GP to see if they’d be able to do some tests or something to try and find more out about it, but they basically told me that they thought I’d solved the mystery already - so why would I need anything from them. 

Nearly a year goes by with no further cheese-based indispositions, until last Thursday when, on a work trip, and having not eaten since breakfast, having skipped lunch in anticipation of a larger window for the consumption of a full meal which did not materialise, I bought a superfood wrap, the ingredients of which I had read and believed to be safe. However, it turned out that it contained copious amounts of feta. Realising this only once I had taken the first bite, I resolved to finish it. In any case I was absolutely starving and this was the only food I was likely going to see for the next few hours. How bad could it be, anyway?

Very bad, as it turns out. To the extent, indeed, that most of Friday, Saturday and Sunday were complete right-offs (other than the fact that I was able to binge without guilt the entirety of Squid Game). To the extent also, that I spent a not-insignificant amount of time trying to research exactly what it is that's wrong with me (i think it could be something to do with the fact there is a lot of histamine in cheese, and this messes about with the way my immune system deals with threats… If anyone has any insights on this subject they would be greatly appreciated), in the hope of potentially being able to mitigate the issue in the future. 

Usually when I delve this deep into a subject there is the prospective chance that said research will serve me well in future quizzes. With this in mind, and with the hope that it acts as sufficient justification for this self-centred ramble about cheese, I am really hoping for a three part bonus set on the role of histamine in the immune response tonight.

Anyway, (any usually when I make an apology for my rambling I’m being flippant, but in this case it really is genuine, because there isn’t really any excuse for this level of frippery in the introduction to any blog post), sorry for the gigantic diversion from the scheduled programming; here’s your starter for ten. 

Bristol have made seven University Challenge quarter-finals, without ever making it to the semis, which is quite impressive in more ways than one. Wolfson have never made the semis either, but they only have a sole quarter to their name, meaning they have a ways to go to match their West Country rivals.

Wolfson’s Williams introduces himself with one of the biggest smiles I’ve ever seen on a contestant, and its pretty infectious. By the time Paxman gets round to asking the questions I’m positively grinning. The jolly fellow himself is the first to get some points on the board, recognising various revolutions before anyone else. They take two bonuses on the words of the acronym TARDIS. 

Bristol’s Woodcock negs the next starter, coming in very early with India, and then rapping his hand on the desk when he’s told he’s wrong. Wolfson aren’t able to pick up the points, and returned the neg with one of their own next time out. Williams takes his second of the night with Shackleton and beams his head off again. They take two bonuses, including one which is a very obvious description of an electron - the kind of question that has no business appearing on the Challenge.

Nowakowski is first to recognise Granada for the first picture round and he bloody well dabs. He pauses for a brief moment and then literally, and energetically, dabs. I don’t know what else to say about this. It is beyond description almost. Brilliant, mind, but beyond description. A third starter for Williams increases Wolfson’s lead, but they can’t capitalise on the bonuses. The next ten pointer goes to Nowakowski too and… this time he raises his glass of water like he’s cheers-ing the crowd in celebration. I really hope this dude has a full set of different celebrations for each time he gets a question right. We shall see…

Following an amusing discussion between the Wolfson team in which Nowakowski says of Chopin, ‘Well, as a Polish man I wouldn’t call him French, but you’re the captain’, Woodcock makes up for his earlier neg and gets Bristol back on the move. They keep going courtesy of Brian on the music starter, as she gets The Shangri-Las so quickly as to elicit some murmurs of appreciation from Paxman. They then take the lead with a bonus set on film titles made of international country codes and pretty quickly they are thirty points clear.

Aggarwal hits back for Wolfson with an early buzz of Ramanujan, but they don’t make many inroads on the bonuses, and Bristol seize back control with a pair of consecutive starters. They take two bonuses on events happening in years in which the second two digits are three times as large as the first two digits - a lovely UC contrivance which initially seems to make the question more difficult but actually makes it a multiple choice guessing game.

I hadn’t realised it, but Bristol are now ninety points clear. I don’t quite know how they’ve done it, because Wolfson seemed like they were doing okay, but fair play to them, they’ve been excellent after a shaky start. The game is over at this point, but Williams gets in a little joke with a guess of Dr Gilssando on a question featuring the word glissando. Good lad. 

Hang on, if Wolfson can get a few more points they might be in with a shot of the play-offs, and Nowakowski is still pretty pumped when they he gets a bonus question right, yelling Uzbekistan, baby. It isn’t enough to get them the 140 points they need to come back for the repechage, but Paxman comments on his enthusiasm at the end of the match, in one of the most surreal exchanges I’ve ever seen on the Challenge. 

He asks Nowakowski why he was so psyched about his Uzbekistan answer, and Nowakowski says ‘Phenomenal country, great people’, to which Paxo says ‘That’s enough from the Uzbekistan tourist board’. Nowakowski then points a finger at the camera and says ‘Poland approved’. This description doesn’t do it any justice, so if you haven’t seen it already do go and watch it (and if you have then watch it again, its really quite something)

Final Score: Wolfson, Ox 110 - 165 Bristol

I’m going to miss Wolfson, and in particular Nowakowski, so, so much. But full congratulations to Bristol, who dealt with the boundless charisma of their opponents most admirably. See you next week for the last first round match!

[creacherkeeper]

sorry if this bothers you but you seemed like a good person to talk to about this. im like 97% sure im autistic and ive done a lot of research but my mom doesn’t believe me because i’m not like the boys she’s seen on youtube. and its just awful because i’m not eighteen yet and im a black girl and i know how parents are important in the diagnosis because of childhood behavior. i just feel like no one will believe me about a diagnosis.

hi nonny

first off, not a bother AT ALL, no worries. im always happy to talk through situations like this

secondly, im sorry for the situation youre in. its one that a lot of autistic people find themselves in, so youre not alone, but its a very difficult thing to go through, especially when youre a minor without access to many resources. so know that someone sees the struggle. when i was trying to get diagnosed my parents were the exact same way. they didnt believe me at all because their only concept of autism came from rainman

so, some advice:

until youre an adult, take this time to learn as much as you can about autism, the autistic community, your own neurodivergence and how it affects you, and whether or not you actually want a diagnosis. having that official word is important for many people, and it gives you access to accommodations at work and school. but there are a lot of drawbacks to a dx as well. in situations where you are forced to disclose, there is a lot of stigma, and people may treat you poorly because of it. depending on where you live, you may be disqualified for live saving medical treatment such as transplants. it makes it infinitely harder to adopt or win custody battles. etc etc. there are many reasons one would choose to get a dx or not, so learn more, talk to people, and take this time to make a decision. if you choose self-dx, know that there are many in the autistic community who chose the same and you are loved and welcome as one of us

if you do chose to get a professional dx, know that its going to be an uphill battle. it's expensive, for one, so if you're planning on attending college or live near a campus, try finding a university teaching psych center that charges on a sliding scale. they're also going to have young professionals who hopefully are more up to date and not so set in the old conception of autism. youre also going to have more of a difficult time getting a diagnosis as a black girl, because so much of the psych field was built on sexism and racism, as well as the inherent ableism of the field. youre doubly more likely to get misdiagnosed with a behavioral or mood disorder, so know that you are allowed to stick up for yourself and be clear about your needs in the process. many (especially older) professional's picture of autism is still 10 year old nonverbal white boys. before seeing someone, ask on the phone (or have someone ask for you) whether or not they have experience diagnosing adults, women, and people of color. that could really make a difference. but also keep in mind that if one person doesnt work out, you can always see someone else. i've been misdiagnosed with things several times, and i choose not to disclose that when seeing new medical or mental health professionals unless its relevant

all that said, you do NOT need your parents to get a diagnosis. mine were not involved in my process at all when i got dx'd at 19, because i knew they would do everything in their power to convince the doctor i wasn't autistic, even if it meant bending the truth or lying. i brought them to my results session, but that was it. they argued with the doctor but she had already made her diagnosis, so it didnt matter. the rest of it was just me and the diagnostician, and i answered all questions about childhood the best i could. its totally fine to write down a list of childhood behaviors or memories before you go in if you think youll forget or miss something. for me the biggest reason i got diagnosed was the hugely variant scores i got on my IQ test, which is a common thing with autism (my scores ranged from low 30s to 99.8th percentile, with not much being average or in the middle). so the diagnostician will not only be looking to childhood or family members. there are plenty of people seeking diagnosis who dont have access to willing family anyway

i think thats all my advice as of now. but i understand how scary the situation is, or how scary it seems while youre in it. if you have any more questions or just need to talk, feel free to message again or dm me. im more than happy to listen or try to help more

[dkscribe88]

Tavronica Week Prompt 7: AU

And now, for my final entry for this year’s first annual Tavronica week. I decided to set it in modern times. They’re still on Thra and still Gelfling, but they’ve adopted a way of life similar to humans, including going to college and playing sports, such as ice hockey. Tavra is team captain, single, and focused on helping her team win the final game of a tournament against their rivals, lead by Tolyn. Onica is a Psychology student who recently became single and is dragged to the game by her best friend, Tae. Tavra always seemed like she would be a jock if she were real, and the only sport I really ever played was ice hockey, so I decided to write her playing it. I hope you like this last fic. It’s been a blast writing for this event, and I’m proud to say I met my challenge of 7 prompts for 7 days. Can’t wait to do it all again next year! So now, sit back and enjoy my final entry for this year. Beware, it’s the longest one yet.

The roar of the crowd was deafeningly loud throughout the halls of Ha’rar State University’s hockey stadium. Flooded with fans of both the home team, the Ha’rar State University Fighting Paladins, and visiting rivals, the Sami Thicket University Landstriders; the atmosphere was tense. It was the finals of a two-day tournament. Both top seeded teams played two games the day before, easily routing their opponents. Their head-to-head battle had always been assured, the latter two games merely a formality. Both teams stared daggers at each other whenever the Paladins locked eyes with a Landstrider. There’s bad blood between these rivals, the wound freshly opened after what had transpired a few hours before…

-------

Earlier in the day, the home team had arrived two hours before they were to hit the ice, hoping to do some warmup exercises in their locker room before suiting up, only to discover that the whole place had been destroyed. Bags had been dumped out, equipment strewn randomly throughout the room, and jerseys were being soaked by the showers. Their hockey sticks were no longer in the racks, and no one would have found them, had the team not experienced this sort of attack before. The Paladin’s team captain, defenseman Tavra just sighed before casting her gaze upwards, confirming that the sticks were indeed glued to ceiling.

“Sheesh, they could’ve at least come up with a more original way of wrecking our stuff. C’mon guys, cleanup positions. Ready? Go!” The team quickly got to work straightening things, accomplishing their tasks efficiently, having done so many times before. They kept a scraper and a bottle of nail polish remover taped under one of the benches for occasions such as this, which easily dissolved the super glue. It took a little longer to get everything back in order this time though, as the Landstriders had taken the time to remove the tape from their sticks before gluing them. It was a tedious task, retaping everything, but Tavra and her crew knew everything needed to be perfect, or they wouldn’t stand a chance. STU’s captain, Tolyn the Terrible, did his best to crush anyone that stood in his way, using any means necessary. The Landstriders led the league in both penalties and player ejections. They’d already given four different Gelfling concussions, ending the player’s seasons early, and in one case, ending it for good, the injury so severe it caused brain damage, forcing the player off the team and out of school altogether.

Forty minutes later, the locker room was back in usable condition. Tavra took her place in front of her team.

“Alright! Everyone get in line for warmups. First, we stretch, then after that 20 jumping jacks. When I say go. Ready? GO!”

-------

Meanwhile, at the campus dorm rooms…

“C’mon, Onica! It’ll be fun, I promise. The game is going to be great and there’s gonna be a sick afterparty, with lots of hot gelfs for us to hit on, so let’s go, please? You need a new girlfriend, or at least someone to take your mind off Effiny and I need to get my flirt on. It’ll be good for you to get out.” Tae had been trying to convince her friend to attend the game with her for the last few hours, not wanting to go by herself.

“But I’ve got that test coming up for my Developmental Psychology class and I haven’t even studied for it yet.” Tae rolled her eyes.

“You’ve never had to study for any of your Psych classes before. You know every bit of that material frontwards and backwards, sideways, diagonal and upside down. If that’s your best excuse my victory is assured.”

“But I won’t even be able to get into the afterparty. You have to know someone on the team to attend and I don’t, so I see no reason to go.” Tae refused to give up.

“That doesn’t matter! I told you, I know the goalie. Zili promised that if we showed up, she’d get us in. Zili’s a bit weird, which she claims is a common trait amongst goalies, but she’s also true to her word. Please, I don’t want to go alone.” Tae had been nice so far, but it was time to pull out her secret weapon. She kneeled down next to Onica’s chair, lower lip jutting out in a pout, eyes turned up in a begging fashion, glistening with small tears in their corners. Onica had to give her style points for being able to cry on demand. She tried to turn away, but there was no escaping the power of the fizzgig pout. Unable to fend off the adorably cute assault any further, Onica let out a groan.

“Ugghhh! Okay, fine! I’ll go. But you owe me. More than one.”

“Yes!” Tae jumped up, giving her roommate and best friend a hug. “Thank you so much, Oni! There’s this new guy on the team, Galen, and Zili’s promised to help me get a chance to talk to him. Oh, I can’t wait for you to see him, he’s so dreamy. He’s tall, and Sifa, like us, with some Spriton and Vapra mixed in. He’s got beautiful tanned skin and dark hair with little bits of silver here and there, ooh-hoo-hoo just the thought of him makes me quiver!” Onica gave her friend a look of disbelief and slight disgust.

“Sounds like a creep if you ask me.”

“No! No, he’s not, actually. Zili said he’s really kind and soft spoken most of the time. When he does talk, he’s so deep, and he’s got a great sense of humor, too.” Onica smiled at her then, reassured of Tae’s choice to pursue this guy.

“I can’t wait to meet him, then. I hope you find happiness this time Tae. I’d hate for you to be stuck with someone who doesn’t appreciate you.” Onica’s face turned slightly sullen, then. Tae put a hand on her shoulder.

“Are you talking about Effiny? Onica, that girl has serious issues with where her priorities lie. She didn’t know what she had, being with you. But soon, Onica, someone will come along who loves you for you, I’m sure of it. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet them tonight. So, come on. To the game!” Tae jumped into a pose, pointing dramatically towards the door. Onica gave a small laugh, before getting up and ready for the night’s activities.

The two young women made it to their seats as the two teams warmed up on the ice, each circling around their zone, while some fired pucks at the goalie, who easily blocked them all, giving Zili a confidence boost to start off with. Tavra was gliding along on her skate’s edges, keeping an eye on her own players, looking for signs that each was ready, and smirking when she found they were. She got in line to shoot then, firing right from the line in a slapshot, typical of her defensive position. She’d placed a spin on the puck, causing it to look as if it were warping in the air as it curved toward Zili’s glove side. Tavra nearly got it in, but at the last second, Zili’s eagle eyes tracked it and she caught it neatly in her mitt.

“Nice try, Captain! Maybe next time, yeah?” Zili teased her. Tavra smacked her stick against the goalie’s pads affectionately before gliding off to the back of the line, only to freeze as a sinister gaze met her own.

“Tolyn,” she whispered bitterly. The big jerk was Spriton, tall and strong, or in Tolyn’s case brutish. The sound of ice being carved sounded from behind her, letting Tavra know her two assistant captains had her back.

“That guy almost makes me ashamed to be Spriton.” Kylan muttered, glaring with all he had at the man, who only sneered back.

“Don’t let him get to you Kylan. I’ll make sure he doesn’t hurt you this time. I’d never hear the end of it from my brother if I did.”

“You’re damn right about that, Naia.” Another player had joined the assistant captains.

“Speak of the devil. Hey, Gurjin. You ready to rumble?” Naia asked her brother.

“Oh, you know it. Gotta get revenge for them breaking my poor Ky Guy’s arm.” Suddenly, the scoring siren went off, signaling the players to leave the ice as it’s resurfaced in preparation for the game’s start. The Paladin’s gathered once more into their locker room. Tavra, Kylan and Naia stood up front as everyone else kneeled, waiting to hear some inspiring words from their captain.

“Ok, we’ve got a tough game ahead of ourselves here, people. We know just as much as anyone else that the Landstriders don’t fight fair. Expect attacks from all sides and keep your guard up. Their goalie is weak on their stick side, so do your best to aim at the space between the arm and torso, as well as high on her right side. Stay away from that glove hand, it’s too good. Now raise your swords, gelfs…” Everyone’s sticks rose in the air. “Brave paladins of HSU, are you ready to defend yourselves, your honor, and your school?” The team let out their best roars of approval. “Are we ready to face the beasts in battle, skate blades sharpened, sticks taped?” Another roar resounded throughout the room. The coach signaled for the group to head out for introductions.

“Ok gelfs, charge!” The Paladins stormed out of the locker room, cheering wildly, though it was completely drowned out by the outrageously raucous crowd. The visiting team was just getting finished with their introduction.

“And, at center, the Landstrider’s leading scorer and captain of the team, number 66, Tolyn!” Loud boos overwhelmed any cheers there might have been for the Spriton center, causing him to shake his stick angrily at his many detractors.

“And now, the roster of our very own home team, the Ha’rar State University Fighting Paladins!” The crowd cheered loudly in response. “For the tertiary line, at left wing it’s number 86, Mira!” A thin Vapra girl quickly skated out on the ice, waving to her fans. “On right wing we’ve got number 18, Deet!” A Grottan girl and Rian’s girlfriend skated over to bump gloves with Mira. “And at center, number 8, the incomparable Rian!” The Stonewood skated out strong, charming all the ladies as he waved to the crowd. “For our secondary offensive line, we’ve got our newest player, number 45, Galen!” A Spriton, taller than both Kylan and Tolyn skated reservedly onto the ice. “Coming in on right wing like a thief in the night, it’s number 13, Periss!” The youngest of the team, a Dousan boy with a rakish attitude glided out, taking bows and throwing kisses as he went. “And, at center, number 7, Bold Gurjin!” The great oaf was light as a feather as he slid past his teammates, giving Kylan’s helmet an affectionate smack as he passed him. “And now for our secondary defenseman. On the right, give it up for number 3, Brea!” Tavra’s younger, bookish sister skated calmly into place, absorbing any information she could about her enemies. “And on the left, it’s number 69, ladies let out a cheer for Rek’yr!” The tattoo-faced man skated grandly into place, blowing kisses to his many lady followers, who screamed in response, one of them fainting.

“And now, everybody give it up for our starting roster. On left wing, we’ve got number 4, the mysterious and shadowy Amri!” Amri had already snuck into his place in line at this point. “On right wing, number 32, our ever-melodious Kylan!” The lanky Spriton skated calmly into place, doing his best not to be intimidated at the sight of Tolyn pretending to slash his throat, the universal bully sign for ‘you’re dead meat’. “And at center, number 17, it’s Fierce Naia!” Naia charged onto the ice, letting out a growling war cry as she bumped gloves with all her teammates, nearly knocking some of them over in her zeal. “And starting for the defense, we’ve got number 49, Ellis!” A Vapra senior a few years older than Tavra skated out. “And don’t forget his partner, your favorite player and mine, that devastating lavender tornado, the Tremendous Tavra!” The crowd got even louder somehow as Tavra regally entered the rink, smiling at her comrades and looking disdainfully over at her opponents. “And last, but certainly not least, that eccentric and crazy girl you know and love, the goalie, number 00, Zili!” Zili skated out powerfully in her heavy goalie pads, ready to protect and defend her net with all she had.

“Whoo! Yeaaayuhh, let’s do this!” Zili riled up the crowd even more, forcing the officials to wait several minutes until things died down to start. The Skarith Land’s flag was lowered down over the rink by wires, as the country’s national anthem played. Once it was over, the teams headed for their respective benches while the captains of each team came and shook hands. Tavra took her hand out of her glove, offering it to Tolyn, who merely scoffed at it and took off to his own bench. Tavra looked at Kylan and Naia.

“Well, you can’t say I didn’t try.” The three skated over to their team, who were being given a last-minute pep talk by Coach Madso.

“Alright, lads and lassies, get out there and follow the plan. Don’t let them goad you into penalties we can’t afford. Stay onside, and for Thra’s sake, protect each other. We don’t need anymore broken arms, right Kylan?”

“Y-Yes sir!”

“OK!” Tavra barked. “Sticks in!” Everyone gathered in a circle, sticks placed in the middle, pointed downward. “Paladins on three! One, two, three-”

“PALADINS!” With that, the other lines went to the bench and the starters to their places. The referee checked to make sure each goalie was ready, and the centers faced off. The puck is dropped, and the game begins!

-------

It’s late in the third period. Both teams are exhausted from holding each other to a standstill. Neither had scored so far, and the crowd was getting restless with tension. Back and forth across the ice they raced. Naia had the puck on a small breakaway, Kylan assisting her as they passed the flat black object between each other, desperate to keep it away from the Landstriders. Suddenly, Kylan got pinned to the boards as he tried to dig the puck out from the edge of the rink. The enemy player’s skate kept blocking his stick and he couldn’t twist his body the right way to get it. What Kylan didn’t see was that across the rink, Tolyn had locked onto him. He charged, barreling straight at the unwary Spriton. But just as he was about to slam the music major into the boards, something tripped him from behind. He landed flat on his face, sliding hard into the boards from his momentum. A whistle was sounded, stopping play.

“Number 17, Paladins, two minutes, tripping.” It didn’t matter that Naia had stopped Tolyn from breaking Kylan’s clavicle, she got stuck with the penalty. Now they were one gelf down, on a powerplay in the Landstrider’s favor, at the very end of the game. They only needed to last two minutes, but with Tolyn lurking out on the ice, it might as well have been two trine. Coach Madso called timeout, gathering his brave Paladins to his benchside.

“Alright my soldiers, this is what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna hold the line as best we can. I need Gurjin on right, Deet, you’re on center. Use any tricks you’ve got to be in front of that net. Tavra, Brea, you’re in at D. Tavra, you’ve got the fast slapshot. Everyone else, get the puck into the Landstrider zone, and then get it to Tavra. She and Deet will do the rest. Are we clear?” Everyone nodded. “Good. Paladins on three. One, two, three-”

“PALADINS!” The selected players went to their spots. Deet took the faceoff. When the puck dropped, Tolyn made to tackle the small Grottan to the ground, but when he aimed high, she went low, ducking beneath his arms and skating away with the puck. Gurjin plowed through his opponent, flanking Deet on the right. Tavra and Brea trailed behind, stopping just inside the Landstrider blue line. They skated circles in place, watching the puck bounce back and forth between Gurjin and Deet, trying to thwart their attackers and draw them away from the net so Tavra could get a clear shot. The clock began to wind down. The two-minute penalty passed and Naia quickly skated to the bench, where she was replaced by Amri, who drove hard into the occupied zone to help Gurjin and Deet. Deet passed to Gurjin, who was immediately dogged by Tolyn and his right wing, Lun. Pinned against the boards, all Gurjin could do was kick his leg, which he did, successfully knocking the puck along the boards and over to Amri, who slipped and slid around his attacker like a snake through wet grass. His ears perked as he heard Coach Madso cry out.

“Hey! Get it to Tavra! She’s open! Ten seconds left! Make the pass, Amri!” Amri whipped around, searching for his teammate. Tavra was in shotgun position, ready to take aim as soon as she’s given ammo. Amri flicked the puck over to her. She barely stopped it before pulling her stick back and firing it hard through the air and over the center of the ice. The goalie reached for it…It’s…It’s…CLANG! It’s deflected! But what’s this? SMACK!

The crowd waited with bated breath. Tavra stared forward, dropping to her knees.

Wee-Ooh! The scoring siren finally sounded. It’s good! Deet had indeed been waiting, and when the puck glanced off the post, she was right there with the rebound. Her teammates suddenly surrounded her, giving a group hug and patting her hard on the back, screaming they’d won. Tavra, still on her knees, looked upward, not trusting the scoreboard. It was 1-0 Home, and the clock had one tenth of a second left. The following faceoff was just a formality, as the clock ran out and the siren sounded once more, signaling the end of the game, and of the tournament. Trophies were handed out in a ceremony before everyone started to head home. But, just before the team left the ice, Gurjin shouted to the crowd:

“Victory party at Gyr Hall!” Cheers were heard as they departed to the locker room to shower and change before heading to the party. Tavra took her time cleaning up, in no rush for the festivities. All she wanted was to enjoy the energy rush she’d gotten from a game well-played. But, as team captain, she was obligated to go, at least, that’s what Naia and Gurjin said. Kylan gave her an out, but he was quickly overruled by Rian and Deet, so Tavra had no choice. She would socialize, whether she wanted to or not.

-------

“Tae, do we have to go to this thing? All that crowd noise gave me a headache.” It was Onica’s last-ditch effort to escape the party. Tae just rolled her eyes.

“You’re fine. Don’t be such a drama queen. Besides, Zili knows we’re here, we can’t just walk out on her. There she is, Zili! Over here, girl!” After meeting up with the goaltender, who was just as weird as Onica had heard, Zili escorted them over to Gyr Hall and the party held within. The voices of others were all that was heard within the crowded dorm hall. The music was still being set up, but Gurjin kept interfering to flirt with Kylan, who was in charge of tunes. Zili moved passed them, searching for the boy Tae wanted to meet with. Galen was finally spotted talking to Amri, joining them when Zili called him away.

“Alrighty. Galen, this is Tae. Tae, Galen. Ok, let’s see some love sparks fly. Go on, you two. Scoot!” The two walked off, Tae apologizing to Onica for leaving her there with her eyes. Onica sighed lightly, she knew this would happen. She opted to plop down on a vacant couch, people watching to pass the time. Twenty minutes went by, during which Onica grabbed herself a beer from a nearby cooler. She sipped the bitter liquid slowly, not desiring a buzz, but merely drinking it as something to do. Just as she’d talked herself into grabbing one more, there was shouting coming from the front street. Changing her mind on the drink, the redhead decided to see what was going on.

A tall Gelfling of Spriton descent stood in front of a group of students, some of which Onica recognized as being part of the Landstrider’s roster. They’d had their helmets off when receiving their second-place trophy.

I guess that means the one in front is Tolyn. Not the most attractive of team captains, is he…Onica thought, watching the scene unfold. More shouting was then heard coming from the dorm’s side entrance, before a group of Paladins emerged, a beautiful silver and lavender haired woman at their head. And that must be Tavra. What an attractive Silverling. Perhaps Tae was right. Maybe I should find someone else. Tavra stepped right up in Tolyn’s face, not backing down.

“This is a private engagement, my good Landstriders. Please leave, before things get ugly.” The cracking of knuckles reinforced her words, Naia’s fists providing the sound effect. Tolyn just gave a cocky grin.

“Aww…is the big, brave Paladin afraid one of us Landstriders are gonna hurt one of her friends again? By the way, Ky, how’s the arm?” Kylan grabbed his forearm, defensively pulling it to his chest.

“I-It’s fine.” Gurjin stepped in front of his boyfriend.

“Leave him be, Tolyn. You touch him, and I won’t stop at just your arm.” Kylan grabbed Gurjin before he did something foolish, attempting to calm him down. Tolyn just scoffed.

“Tch! You need to keep a better leash on your Drenchen mutt, Tavra. Kylan betrayed his own, so he’s fair game to us.”

“Oh, my Thra, he changed schools! There’s no betrayal in that. STU didn’t have a music program, so he switched. You can’t fault him for that.” Naia jumped in, standing next to her brother and further blocking Kylan from Tolyn’s wrath.

“I take back what I said,” Tolyn paused. “It looks like you’ve got two Drenchen dogs you need to teach discipline to. You really got your work cut out for you, don’t ya, Katavra.” Tavra flinched at the use of her full name. Only her mother called her that, and when it happened, it wasn’t going to be good. Tavra stared at Tolyn coldly.

“Just leave, Tolyn. You’ve had your fun. Enough is enough.” Tavra turned, attempting to end the incident, but Tolyn wasn’t of the mind to leave. Onica watched as he snuck up behind her back.

“Oh, no. H-Hey! Tavra, look out!” Onica’s warning came too little too late, as Tolyn turned Tavra by her shoulder, only to haul back and hit her right on the jaw with a sickening crack. The poor woman was knocked off her feet, saved from hitting the ground by Gurjin, as Naia charged forward with the rest of the team in retaliation. A fight broke out, the Paladins easily outwitting and out-brawling their opponents, only to chase after them as they tried to retreat. Gurjin had left Tavra with Onica, who had approached to see if she could help. The Drenchen charged into the melee, flinging Landstriders left and right. Brea came over to where her sister lay with a washcloth and ice, handing them to Onica before grabbing her phone to call campus police. The Sifa placed the ice gently to Tavra’s already swelling jaw. The dazed Silverling gazed up at her, a strange smile spread across her face.

“Hmm…I must be dead…” Onica looked at her oddly.

“What makes you say that?”

“I’ve got a beautiful, red-haired angel taking care of me. If this isn’t paradise, I don’t know what is.” Onica chuckled at the rather forward-speaking Vapra.

“Well, I’m afraid this isn’t paradise, but if you’d like, I can care for you a little while longer.” Tavra smiled at her, before suddenly pulling her in for a dazed and clumsy kiss. Onica pulled back, blushing wildly.

“I’d really like that. My name is Tavra. And what is the name of the gorgeous angel that’s caring for me, if you don’t mind my asking.” Onica blushed even further, beguiled by the Vapra girl’s charms.

“I’m-uh…I-I’m Onica.” Tavra took her hand, holding it up to her lips for a kiss nearly missing it because of her dizziness.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, my dear lady Onica. I hope we can get to know each other better, that is, once my jaw stops hurting so much. *Groan* Coach is going to be so mad at me if I can’t practice tomorrow.” Onica placed a gentle hand to the uninjured side of Tavra’s face.

“Lucky for you, my hobbies include learning traditional Sifa herbal Less side effects than regular medications. And I guarantee you’ll be up and skating by tomorrow. Now, let’s get you up and into bed.” Onica helped Tavra to her feet, the Vapra swinging an arm around the other girl’s shoulders.

“You’ve known me less than ten minutes, and already you’re trying to get me into bed. My, my, don’t you work fast.” Onica rolled her eyes, but still laughed quietly.

I think I’m beginning to like this girl. With that last, lingering thought, the two walked unsteadily into the dorm, and into a wonderful new relationship.

-DK

[luvdsc]

Hey Cat!! I hope you're doing well as always ! 💖 AHHHH huhu I closed the form last Sunday since I've collected enough responses dy! (NOOOOOOOO ToT) I got a total of 221 responses at the end of the week, which is 3x the amount I initially needed! :o I'm beyond grateful and appreciative ToT I've cleaned the data and have proceeded to run some data analysis, but I ran into an issue whereby the scores on the subscales are equal (it has never been reported in past studies! :O) so I'm waiting for my supervisor's feedback on how to proceed. Hopefully it's nothing too serious ToT

Hehe finance is interesting indeed! I just started reading a book on finance for young adults (Rich Dad Poor Dad) and I look forward to learning more from the author's tips! The Coursera introductory course has also made financial terms a lil more familiar, even though it's just the basics and it's really helped w my financial literacy 🥺 I can push myself to study but it's also the numbers and calculations I'm worried of cuz I am rly a nong (idiot) when it comes to numbers * - * it runs in the genes I guess AHAHAHAHA my mom and sister aren't good at numbers either keke

Aww I'm glad yr professor made financial accounting enjoyable and a fruitful experience for you! Some lecturers / professors rly just have that spark in them to inspire ppl and I'm blessed to be surrounded by a bunch of em in the psych department!🥺😭 it truly makes a difference and I'm sure we both are living proofs of that!

After debating for a while, I've decided not to take a minor mainly because I'm so tired HAHAHAHAHAHA and I'll just do my own self-studying and exploration whilst working! Go out and explore the world, live life! Whilst ironically still staying in my room because of the COVID-19 situation in our country (cases are abt 20+k every day :') ) My proposal has been finalized and it's been accepted! It's just that some elements of my proposal is also part of my actual report, so I have some guidance to refer to in terms of structure! :3 and yes don't worry! I got plenty (sometimes a lil too much) rest during the sem break whilst remaining productive! Plus, I got to catch up w some friends and had game nights (maybe too much of game nights hehe) and movie nights w my friends which was truly refreshing! Also cuz I might not see a lot of them again after we graduate so we gotta cherish every moment 🥺😭

I'm a freelance graphic designer for my uni's newsletter! Occasionally, they'd ask us to create both the content and design! I'll place the link to my recent work below if you wanna check it out! UwU I'm trying to incorporate the same practices during sem break in my last sem (current sem) too! cuz yes mental health is so so important and I'm just tired of being academically tired you get me? :(

What makes me most trilled abt learning abt psychology is how to apply it in daily life too! I find it so fascinating and awestruck at how relatable and within reach these things are like wow we can be influenced in such ways?? :o can be both good and bad but imma stick w seeing it as the development and evolution of us humans UwU

Also, the vaccine has fixed my sleep schedule HEHE (another perk of getting vaccination :3) I got some rly good rest and managed to reset my usual sleeping time, thank you science ToT oooo I see I see, we've had cases of nurses injecting empty syringes hence the recording :( but GHIOGHWEOGIOHW I could never do that, I can feel the liquid entering me as it is so that's good enough ToT (* plays Love Talk * I can feel it coming)

OMG YOUR ART PIECES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, ADORABLE AND ELEGANT! 💖🥺🥰 it must've required a lot of hard-work and effort AHHH thankiew for showing me yr work!! it's truly unique in its own manner despite it's simplicity UwU is there a reason or backstory to yr chosen theme and objects? :3

I just Googled Somi Somi and omg that's such an UwU ice cream AHHHH 💖🥺😭 ice cream is my fav food of all time and it looks like an ice cream haven omg imagine eating it after a loooong hard day's of work ToT and OMG THE SATISFACTION OF EATING THAI MILK TEA ICE CREAM ON A HOT DAY YASSS 😋🤤 hehe if you get the chance to try milk & biscoff, do try it! It's amazing !😍 and ooo i haven't tried alcoholic ice cream before but I will one day!! :3 my alcohol tolerance is rly low though, will I get tipsy over alcoholic ice cream? We shall see UwU (i can only drink half a bottle of apple cider before my face gets red and I start getting a lil tipsy + headache)

and lovie....knowing yr school schedule now...OURS IS DEFINTELY BRUTAL OMG a 3 month long sem break huhu that's only the total amount of sem breaks we get in a year ToT i thought uni was hard but not that hard ToT

Always glad and honored to have you onboard! and AHAHAHAH the contractions about to start soon 👀 I enjoy talking to you huhu you're such a sweet and supportive person 💖🥺🥰😙 huhu for my period cramps, I've been having them since I was 12 ToT my doctor prescribed me some panadols but sometimes I can't even swallow them cuz I'd puke them out ToT I've settled w heatpacks to reduce my reliance on medicine, but I finally got some upgraded and safe to eat medicine from my gynae! She said it's fine to take it every month to keep my womb healthy and apparently my ms. lil uterus is suffering from inflammation, hence the super crazy bedridden cramps :( the upgraded medicine worked for a while, but after time it kinda didn't help either :/ but I realised that exercise rly does wonders to reduce the cramp too (gynae also recommended exercising) so i take walks and do my back stretches more frequently now! my period in the previous months (2 months ago) have been almost painless and bearable, it's so weird not seeing my bedridden ._. when I was in high school, there would always be a day in every month in which I don't attend classes, and that's solely because of my cramps. It just isn't worth suffering in school, plus we don't have a sick room :/ I hope the pain continues to subside! ToT

And ayy internship is also working experience, yr advice would be of great help to me regardless! 🥺 oh yes, I always remind myself that interviews are similar to the speaking test I took for my Cambridge English exams! That kinda help calm my nerves down a lil, but w nerves comes bigger smiles, so I guess it takes on a rather practical form of coping mechanism (sublimation) AHAHAHAHA

WAAAA WHAT A QUEEN you got an offer from every interview?? I aspire to be like you! 💖🥺🥰 huhu skill wise I believe I have lots to prepare esp in terms of case studies, and I perform rly poorly on certain assessments (*ehem * esp those concerning numbers) so I took the chance to study a lil during sem break too ToT but noted on that! I will work on that too and try to maintain that me element in interviews and overall just be myself keke

That's all from me for now! Imma wait for my supervisor's feedback and journey on w my last semester. Bon voyage! Link to my recent work: https://www.instagram.com/p/CTBqGzjr6sN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link Other works: https://www.instagram.com/p/CPpv-IyM7Gi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link https://www.instagram.com/p/CL55EG-MbL2/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

hi hello honey bee !!! 💓 omg i'm so sorry for the belated response, i finally got on my laptop 😭 i'm gonna put my response under the cut since it got a little long 🤧

omg 221 responses !!!!! that's so many 🙀 congratulations aaaaa it's amazing that you were able to get 3x the data you needed !!! was it difficult to run data analysis? were you able to solve the issue with the equal scores on the subscales? i hope it didn't create too much additional work for you ):

omg yes finance is really interesting! i enjoyed the classes i took for it :') how is rich dad poor dad? did you learn a lot from it? i know it was a book my prof recommended, but i never got around to reading it 😶 did you learn any helpful tips? and ooo i'll have to look into coursera! yeah, there's quite a lot of terms for finance, and it can be a little intimidating paired with all the math formulas and such, but it's pretty useful imo! how are your financial studies going so far? 💕 omg nong is such a cute word?? i would never think it meant idiot asdkfhlkajsdf omg my whole family is good at numbers and really like math, but i didn't like it 😭 my mom made me study it a lot everyday though rip are the financial calculations getting easier for you as you practice more hopefully?

yessss omg i absolutely agree with this!!!! like you can just feel when a professor loves to teach and is genuinely so excited to talk about their subject, and it just makes the most boring horrible subject into something you learn to enjoy and hate less :') and i'm really happy to hear you have tons of professors like that in the psych department 🥺💗

that's great to hear!!!! 🌷🌷 i'm glad that you're prioritizing yourself and your health, which is so much more important than taking on a minor. what fun subjects have you decided to explore and self study so far? 💞 oh my gosh, the rising cases are so high?? i hope it's gotten better there for you ): are you able to go outside yet?

big congratulations on your proposal being finalized and accepted, lovebug !!!! 🥳🥳 i'm very proud of you and hoping one day i can read your published studies in a scientific journal :') aaaa i'm so glad to hear that you got to rest and enjoy your time with your friends!! i definitely feel that omg i regret all the times i skipped out on movie nights or game nights with my friends because now we're all scattered across the country and the only way we can have them again is over zoom calls 🤧

I SAW YOUR DESIGNS AND THEY'RE GORGEOUS OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH !!!! 💖 I'M IN AWE AAAA IF PSYCH DOESN'T WORK OUT, I HOPE YOU BECOME A GRAPHIC DESIGNER 🤩🤩💖 and yes i totally get it ): i really felt the academic burn out when i was in college and it was really difficult at times 🤧 but i hope it's going better for you nowadays, sweetpea 💝💝

omg yeah i absolutely agree !!!! whenever i read about psychology, i keep it in the back of my mind and then when i see something irl that relates to it, i'm like :O amazing. it's so cool to learn about different psych tricks too and see how it works when you test them out yourself and whatnot. and it's really crazy to see how the human brain is so easily influenced at times ??? it truly is an amazing subject !!!

ah what a great side benefit of the vaccine - a better sleep schedule 🤩 i'm happy to hear that your schedule has been fixed 💘 and omg what ??? they're injecting empty syringes wth ????? 😭 that's absolutely horrible, are they getting sued?? lmaooooo that love talk reference askdfhlaksjd

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KIND COMPLIMENTS 😭😭💗💗 there were many late hours spent in the art studio to finish them, but i'm really happy with the end products :') i thought light bulbs are an interesting subject to do, and my prof said that cutting out circular objects or sculpting them is the most difficult since they're made up curves and not straight lines and i was like ok bet i'm gonna do it aND I'M SO GLAD I DID BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE THEM 🥺 and i love honey bees !!! that's why i decided to paint them and we were supposed to paint them in a combined style of two artists so i tried monet's impressionist style with the short brush strokes and pop art triptych style like marjorie strider 💕

somi somi is sooo good and i just had it again a couple weeks ago :') omg ice cream is your favorite food? :o and YES ice cream is so satisfying after a long day of hard work, like it's such a nice reward to look forward to at the end of day ✨ aaaaa i have to try thai milk tea ice cream one day now !!!!! it sounds amazing 🤩 and YES i must look for places that sell milk & biscoff ice cream !! i have milk ice cream from somi somi, but i need to try to combined flavors 💘 i don't think you'll get tipsy over it !!! it's a really faint taste of alcohol, like i didn't even notice it at first, and i don't think they put very much of it in there! aksljdfhals omg you're a lightweight :o at least that means you save money on alcohol LOL i need like nine shots to get drunk 🤧

your school is too hard 😭 you need more than just 3 months of break !!! 😡 we get a week off for thanksgiving in fall semester and a week off for spring break in spring semester too and then the month long winter break and three month summer break. and we have the one day holidays off too like labor day, memorial day, etc. i can't believe they give you so little time off after working so hard???

asdfhlkajshdlksja loool are the contractions over yet? has it been born? what's the current status, doctor? 👀 i really enjoy talking to you too !!! i'm very sorry for the late responses, work is really taking over all of my time, and i never have enough time to get on my laptop to reply to my asks 😭 and thank you for saying such kind things about me 🥺🥺💝 oh my gosh, i'm so sorry to hear that you have such terrible cramps 😭 i can't even imagine going through that - mine are nowhere near as horrible 😖 do the heatpads help a lot? i'm relieved to hear that you were prescribed better medication though! but yeah, your body does eventually get used to the medication and you have to continue taking stronger meds for it to work, but that's not a very healthy solution /: but i'm really glad to hear that exercise has been helping out a lot!! 💖 hurray for almost painless and bearable periods 🥳 i'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that in high school ): that sounds absolutely horrible 😭 periods are just awful, but it's like i'm grateful that i have my period because that means i'm not pregnant, but also please go away aslkhdfaklsj

omg what was the speaking test for the cambridge english exams like? :o it sounds so formal and a lil intimidating askdjfhalsd do you know of any psych tricks that can possibly help calm your nerves? :')

aaaa yes i did !! i was really surprised that i got an offer from them all because at the time, i was not in the right major and i think i was one of the most underqualified applicants 🤧 one person who interviewed me asked why i withdrew from my engr physics class and i explained it in a kinda funny way but in my head, i was like "oof i'm not gonna get this offer anymore" but then he laughed at my response and told me about how his prof told him he should drop a guitar class he was taking because he was doing very poorly and we bonded over that aklsjdhfkals omg how do interviews for psych jobs go? do you have to discuss a lot of case studies? do they give you a list of possible case studies they'll ask about? :o what sort of assessments do you have to do? good luck on all of your interviews, honey bee 💛 i'm rooting for you, you're gonna do amazing !!!! 💘

omg what did your supervisor say about your case study? and how is your last semester going? are you almost done now? 🌸 (also how have you been? what have you been up to? thank you for taking the time to leave such detailed messages for me, i'm really excited to see all the fun updates in your life, lovebug 🌷🌷)

[enigma-im]

Kindle Unlimited Recommendation

Dark Planet Warriors Series

Warning: Gore, violence, some situation of wrongful touching

Summary:

8 stories. The series begins with a bug infestation on the mining station outside of earth. A species called Kordolians are there to be the exterminators. After a meeting with a strange human our primary story kicks off while the bug story plays in background in some stories while being the main focus for several books. The consistent story for the other 8 books is a romance between the aliens and humans that results in a war for purity.

Person thoughts:

Great fuckin series. Almost every book has a different couple with only the very first couple being the focus several other times. First book is fantastic, especially the first sex scene. Its so good. The next few focus on the bug infestation till its dealt with then it gets back to the war. Don't skip them though, Riker is a treat that deserves to be acknowledged. My favorite one of this amazing series is Infinity's Embrace. That book has some dope characters. Electric Heart is my least favorite because it's like a real bad Watch Dogs (video game).

Rating: 9/10

Books:

Dark Planet Warriors

Dark planet Falling

Into the Light

Out of Darkness

Forged in Shadow

Infinity's Embrace

Electric Heart

Brilliant Starlight

Office Alien Series

Warning: Awkwardness, drug use, kidnapping (kind of)

Summary:

Three books about an office relationship with three different aliens. Each alien goes through the venture of courting a human woman. All of them succeed on confusing then educating these people on their culture. All the aliens come from the same planet that has been ravaged by a tough alien species that try to wipe them out with their superior technology. That isn't a plot point, its just an explanation. Each story shows the struggles of cultural differences and how education and understanding can help make the world a better place.

Person thoughts:

I adore this series. One book in this series actually got a perfect score from me, which is strange cause I'm a tough grader. The first book has a super awkward lad who just seems to hate everyone. Its really cute and I like them both though their relationship is filled with cringe. The second book I didn't much care for. The main love dude was kind of an idiot and was too blinded by acceptance to be a reasonable thinking alien. Still decent but Its not my cup of tea. The last one- sweet jesus- was amazing. It has a ‘my cousin Vinny’ vibe with their relationship where they fight often but its like their form of foreplay. So good. There is another series that’s super short that takes place 1 year later for each story. Totally worth a read after you read the series.

Rating: 8/10

Books:

The E.T. Guy

The New Guy

The Security Guy

(Christmas special)

Kraving Khiva

Warning: Sex workers, forced prostitution, abuse

Summary:

Eve is a virgin who is fed up with it. After her father's death she has been ghosting by in life with her best friend. After said friend points out a brothel of some interesting aliens she decides to give the place a try to finally rid herself of her virginity. After just one night she keeps coming back, falling for the sex worker. Romance ensues with lots of strife and abuse to keep the two from their HEA.

Personal Thoughts:

Man, this story represents everything I love in a story. Tons of fluff. It was a really good slow burn that I didn’t expect from a story about a prostitute. The cover gives the illusion of a typical middle aged mother romance - which I guess it is- but it has so much more. I only had one problem with the story, the ending. I felt they could have given more information but they just glossed over it. Besides that, hot book. The second one is really boring, just a slice of life that I couldn't get into.

Rating: 9/10

Books:

Kraving Khiva

Prince of Firestone

The Queen's Ransom

Warning: Near death situations, a lot of near death situations, gore

Summary:

432 pages. Long book. Jalia enters into a competition to win a great prize. The interest of great fortune is too much for her to pass up. Little does she know the treachery the competition hides or the actual prize. The king of Minotaurs is hosting an event to test the strength, endurance, and intelligence of potential wives. In a culture that values strength they refuse to accept a queen who hasn't been tried. Genius Jalia goes through challenge after challenge, nearly dying about every chapter while catching the attention of a charming king.

Personal Thoughts:

I generally don't have the patience for long books but this one never dragged on. Every chapter was captivating and riveting. The challenges were interesting and Jalia's solutions were pretty genius. The relationship between the king and her is pretty grand, I adore them greatly. My only problem with the book is all the potty humor and insults. She was a genius but her insults left much to be desired. Once her biggest annoyance is no longer in the picture does that kind of stuff end.

Rating: 9/10

Book:

The Queen's Ransom

The Kraken

Warning: Gore, racism, attempts of suicide(only 1 book), sassy AI

Summary:

A mysterious creature has lived in the ocean long ago, since the beginning of the settlement on this planet. After a nearly drowning woman is saved a series kicks off. Each book has a different relationship of humans and Krakens. Every book tells the story of how the krakens go from living in isolation at the bottom of the ocean to breeding with humans.

Personal thoughts:

When I first read this story I was just getting into monster romance. The love interests have fairly human tops but hella tentacle bottoms. So I was a little off-put by it but as I read on I didn’t care. The first one is pretty good for a start. The second one was decent, I didn’t really care for it. I actually skipped the 3rd one my first go around. Which is fine, it doesn't add too much and its short. Its still worth a read. The 4th one, fucking grand. 5th one? My all time favorite of the series! If you don't want to read them all at least read the 5th one. Like ask me for story details and I'll give you a cliff note for what's mentioned in that story then you can read in peace. 6th was ok, love the sassy AI. I didn't read the 7th one. Its two old people and I just can't

Rating: 8/10

Books:

Treasure Abyss

Jewel of the Sea

Hunter of the Tide

Heart of the Deep

Rising from the Depth

Fallen from the Stars

Lover from the Waves

Escaping Wonderland

Warning: Sexual assault, gore, lots of sexual stuff

Summary:

Alice is wrongfully placed in a psych ward that specializes in simulation therapy. She is placed in a pod then taken to the world of wonderland. This twisted version of the children's classic introduces a rapey mad hater and manipulative Red King. The main love interest is a playful lad who has more control of the simulation than most. The two run from the clutches of the Red King while trying to escape the simulation.

Personal thoughts:

I had very low hopes for this story. I didn't expect it to be as good as it was. It was a twist on the beloved movie and book. Everything was rapey and creepy and I weirdly loved it. Of course nothing too terrible happened to the main lady so it made those situations more tolerable but only just. I adore the main dude, shadow. He was a playful little mischief maker and I would die for him. What made this book better for me was when everything hit the fan they didn't rid him of his sassy personality. Most books make the cocky, silly, playful personality as something that is bad and needs to change. This one they didn’t and kept it. So good.

Rating: 9/10

Books:

Escaping Wonderland

Infinity City

Warning: Abuse, gore, sexual assault, dope ass fighting

Summary:

A city where criminals are more in control than most people think. Each book takes the reader through different adventure of different people. All having the similarity of protecting the ones they love. The first is of an assassin protecting the only woman who has made him feel so strongly. The second is with a mob boss hacker who grows fond of a shy human. The third is the second in command of the mob boss hacker who finds a pregnant woman in a menagerie and discovers she is his mate. Fourth is one of the workers of the mob boss's security team who gets taken by some slavers along with a woman he was entertaining for the night.

Personal thoughts:

First book sucked. He was obsessives and pretty much took all her choices. It wasn't till the end that he was like "my bad, you can leave if you want". Bleh. Second book was fan-fucking-tastic. Arc is a charming idiot with an amazing backstory. I didn't like the girl in the beginning but she grew on me. I love that he focuses on her but still pays attention to work and his 'family'. The third was surprisingly good. I generally don't like stories where someone is pregnant because they get boring. This one was not that. She was never a hindrance or weak, she was a badass. With her big kitty man they made an amazing duo. Also any scenes with her man and the baby made me tear up. He was so sweet. Fourth was boring, it reminds me too much of a lot of other stories.

Rating: 8/10

Books:

Silent lucidity

Shielded hearts

Untamed Hunger

Savage Desire

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While people watch TV or Youtube in their free time, I read. I have such a weird organization with everything i read because i tend to reread stories and forget i read them. the entire time i read it im like “have i read this before?”. so for books i write them down, rate them, then review them. i didn’t post the reviews here because it would be so many spoilers. Also i sort my favorite fanfics by fandom then relationship. i read so fucking much, its a problem at this point.

If you liked this recommendation drop a like, reblog, or reply. i will perhaps do another if you all like this. i have read so many books and i can post some decent ones and some god awful ones. perhaps you all can tell me how wrong my thoughts are on the ones i deem terrible. i think we will probably agree, ‘free’ books tend to have lower standards.

[fantranslatorbychoice]

Oh glob, what have I gotten myself into? Just some long updates lol XD

Well, the year’s almost over, and it’s already the second half. The first half was too much and to be honest, I had to swim with the circumstances I am in right now so I had to put this passion non-profit project on hold, like seriously. But I did started translating the first few pages as early as December last year, as my very nice benefactor actually sent me the rest of the entire set of the Kakuriyo no Yadomeshi series after sending off the first 4 volumes. Probably read the entire thing first. But hey, free stuff is free so why complain. Plus my benefactor actually got the entire set for a steal, won’t say how much but in Amazon Japan, the last time I checked the whole set is roughly around $150 or a bit around that. and that’s just the first 7 volumes. Probably there’s an entire set now that’s about $200, as the final volume was released around August 2019.

Spoiler alert: the entire light novel series is made up of 10 volumes, so if you read it, the afterword by Yuuma-sensei specifically says that volume 10 is the final one, and Yuuma-sensei feels sad about it.

Yeah I highlighted that part in red, just in case many Kakuriyo fans still have some extreme hunger pangs or are unsure whether the novel series has ended. Here you go, straight from the horse’s mouth. Yuuma-sensei also has another Ayakashi light novel series, 浅草鬼嫁日記, roughly-translated to “Asakusa Wife from Hell Diaries”. Seems fun, they’re literally ogres - Oni living in the real world, like a reverse Kakuriyo thing. Who knows, maybe someday I can score that series too lol. The writer really likes Ayakashi, if it’s not that obvious yet 草 草 草 草  yeah I write kusa lol oml I should stop... But returning to the Kakuriyo series.. I won’t spoil what happened lol but I will probably make a commentary on that once I get the translations up and running.

Which leads me to my next announcement:

I PLAN TO UPLOAD THE DIRECT TRANSLATIONS OF JUST THE INTERMISSIONS/INTERLUDES ( 幕間 ) AND THE AFTERWORDS (あとがき) OF EACH VOLUME.

Chapter 5 is the only complete and full English Translation that I will be uploading here, and the rest will be summarized versions of the chapters plus my translation notes and commentaries.

Bummer, right?

Well, to be honest, after starting my initial translations I ran into several issues which made me feel sucker-punched and added to the stuff I’m worried about:

Issues regarding plagiarism (either my stuff getting plagiarized or potentially being accused of it)

Translating everything actually takes too long, even for me (I’ll explain that later)

More serious issues like possible DMCA-ish complaints (won’t want my hardwork just getting flagged and killed)

Personal stuff piling up and affecting my momentum

To be honest, when I received the books, I was so excited to work with them and upload as much as I can. But lots of things happened one after another, plus the worldwide issue that we have right now, so doing fun stuff wasn’t at the front of my priorities. So at the moment, I am mostly offline, by necessity, like connection is slower and with data cap, so I mostly do my translations with whatever hardcopies of dictionaries that I have on hand, offline. It’s good and all since I can put my skills to the test, but it can be expected that not all of the words are available in the books so I still have to hook on Jisho just to find the missing words I need. So my stuff pretty much looks like this:

I could just take pictures of these and upload them here but the maximum number of pics that tumblr allows is 15, and good glob I have more than 15 pages of translated material. Plus, as you can see above, some parts are untranslated and I had to find them in Jisho once I get online, so right now I have about 50% word-processed with the raw parts cooked, and I only have 12 raw pages remaining to be cooked and hashed lol

Which leads me to my next issues: my slowness (yeah I have to surrender on my slowness) and my fears regarding plagiarism.

I actually only started doing these translations in full blast around 2 months ago, and eventually I had to slow down so I won’t get bogged down since I also do other stuff. But I found out that ploughing through it can get quite draining. I started thinking that fan-subbing and scanlating were easier because aside from working digitally, these were also mostly done in teams so work time gets cut. Well, those were the days lol But for this one, aside from flying solo, I had to use all of my offline resources a lot, like doing everything by hand. It finally broke me about half-way and I had to step away from it, like reaaaaally step away from it. I thought I could finish 50+ pages in a span of a week. Well, I wasn’t exactly wrong there, but I also had other stuff to do, and if I just read it like I would any book without having to do anything, it’s a done deal. But having to translate stuff was draining, I felt frustrated so it broke me. I have to write each page by hand, leave out the words I can’t find or don’t know, and move on to the next page until my body stops working. Rinse and repeat until I could finish about 10 pages and get on with the typesetting and completing the missing parts. That takes a while so I just do my best to be patient.

Then the thoughts of plagiarism popped in and out, like I started thinking how to ensure that my stuff doesn’t get stolen and reposted elsewhere, or worse, getting my site shut down because fan translations are ambiguously illegal, like fansubs and scanlations, and I think those were what got me the most, so I just gave up midway. I’d say ambiguously illegal because if a series or title wasn’t licensed elsewhere then translating it is a fair game. But if it’s already released as a translated version by publishers, then releasing a translated version is like labelled as stealing, even if it’s non-profit. Of course profiteering is the worst, some steal what others work hard for, that they did for free, and sell them off. Scumbags to the bone smh I do my best to be within the fair use thing since I understand how much effort is made in creating content, so at present I have just decided to just put up the intermissions and the afterwords because aside from these being only a few pages long, it’s less likely to get whacked. Plus it’s easier for my psyche to just sum up each chapter and add some comments on it so it won’t be taken down, plus I wont’ be too-attached so even if some nutjobs repost it elsewhere because some people are just unempathetic like that, at least I won’t be as resentful. Plus the afterwords are just so cute, Yuuma-sensei gives off an adorable and relatable vibe, so I feel like aside from just showing off her stories, I think she needs to get signal-boosted too, so people would have an idea on who wrote this hunger-inducing light novel series lol.  I only started to pick up the whole thing again about a week ago, and I still wasn’t fast but at least I got to add at least 20 more pages translated, plus I started to type the first pages and add the missing words so at the very least, I felt some sort of achievement. It gave me some hope, and to be honest I have been doing this to maintain my sanity even for just a bit, so I guess I will do my best to bring Yuuma-sensei’s work out into the world. It’s a really good series, and it got animated into 2 seasons, plus the manga’s out, so that says a lot on how the series caught on. It can’t be denied that it’s a really engrossing series, so I don’t see any reason why this really good series should remain hidden. It probably has a lot of fans but aren’t being too attached into it because of language barriers, and even in my own way, I would like to bridge that gap. I mean, I may have slow internet that can only open mails in basic html but hey, this is the least I could do for the fandom. It’s not like I spew out doujin stuff or anything lol

OK, so summing up this long-ass update:

Chapter 5 - The Mysterious Capital Youto** - coming soon

Will just translate the intermissions and afterwords into English

English summaries of the chapters plus commentaries will be uploaded

Please don’t expect any fast uploads lol it’s not like I do ctrl+A into Google translate and slap it in here. Nothing against doing that but.. uhm, sometimes AI don’t get the nuances translated, and a lot gets lost in translation, so at best, anything done by some trash enthusiast, even noobs can still have some oomph in it that soulless beings can’t even top off. But hey, that’s just my opinion lol

So yeah, there you have it, a long update. Oh, and I changed the name of this blog because I have other raw stuff that I may be able to put here without any fear of being taken down because they’re in the public domain, so they’re all fair game since I don’t get any profit from them anyway and others may also appreciate them too. Hint: One is a series of Japanese classic  fantasy short stories, the other one is a set of instructional manuals on how to write kana and kanji in ballpen and brushpens. They’re a bit lighter so once I get Chapter 5 up I’ll do them as soon as I get rested.

See you all later and thank you for stumbling in this blog. xoxoxo

[perversionsofjustice]

How were you tested for ADHD? My psychiatrist thought I (31 years old) might have it so she sent me for testing. The test included drawing shapes, repeating words and hitting a key whenever a certain letter flashed across the screen. I was with the test person for like 4 hours and when my psych got the results back she told me I was borderline ADHD (51% no/49% yes is how she explained it) so I didn't actually have it so we wouldn't have to worry about it. I'm still so confused about it all.

I went to a psychologist who specialized in ADHD, they made me do a bunch of testing on a computer (that took several hours). I dont remember what my actual test scores were but he did say "you very obviously have ADHD" which was weird for me because I feel like I dont present as obviously ADHD. But then again, now that I've learned more about it, i recognize that many of the things that I've always thought were "wrong" with me were symptoms.

I will say that I am also 99% sure that I'm also autistic (even though I havent yet received a diagnosis), so some things may actually be related to that. I read that something like 50% of autistic people also have ADHD, so that's worth taking into consideration.

But I dunno...I feel like an anomaly because I've never had difficulty with schooling, I was always well behaved as a kid, I wasnt really bullied (that may have had something to do with the fact that I was much bigger than a lot of other girls my age and I had zero impulse control when I got mad), so honestly I spent most of my life thinking that my problems were a result of me just being lazy/not applying myself

[phoebehalliwell]

i was doing the math (cause i'm a nerd like that) and in 2001, Paige would have only been 23 in Paige From the Past. Her parents died 8 years earlier, so she was 15 at the oldest. and she says she got into college based off test scores and essay, so no time to redo classes, meaning she was at the end of her senior year of HS. What I'm rambling toward is that wild-child Phoebe, only 2 years older, could have been one of Paige's partying buddies in high school.

lksjfdkfsd that’d be like!!!it’d be like you know like one of those heroic origins esque episodes which actually they did already do in canon with piper and leo in pre witched which i thought was like sorta just like weird and didn’t quite make sense and this one probably would have been like a lot more reasonable bc like it make sense for both paige and phoebe to be oot and aboot whereas like why would leo be walking down the street of the halliwell manor if he didn’t know shit why would he orb out immediately afterward i don’t get it but like. picture it. a riff on the hyde school reunion episode where instead of doing the not good episode of hyde school reunion they do idk something else lemme think. while i’m thinking lemme just say like as a fun fact this ask did make me realize paige did grow up in sf simply because she went to berkeley my brain decided she must have grown up in the east bay which like. she didn’t. i don’t think. okay so back to like phoebe and paige meeting in high school. i feel like it’s gotta be like. like a whoever fuckin knows episode of once upon a time where it’s like we know how prince charming and snow white met for the first time she robbed him yeah that’s all good & great (i’m still so pissed they altered that meeting when time traveling like genuinely what the fuck i’m so angry) but psych! that was not the first time they met they actually secretly bet when idk charming broke her out of a box or something i really tuned out in the later seasons but the point was right then and there there was that magic little spark that was when two true lovers meet and it like made a tree bc this is ouat so of course it did but something like that where it’s like. something occurred when paige and phoebe first met. and they must go back to that place. so they’re like oh word girls trip to the mausoleum ig where phoebe shook hands with paige and had a doozy of a premonition and they go there and nothing happens or they don’t find the thing they’re looking for and paige is like what if they didn’t mean go back to the location but rather like. go back to the time. and phoebe’s like ohhh like to the moment we first met. okay okay we can to that we’ll write a spell. a spell to take us back to the day we first met. so like okay they like cast a lil spell and bada bing bada boom now they’re both high schoolers and they’re like !!! and they’re in their respective homes or right schools or whatever and oh my god this is so wrong i need to find my sister something went wrong some wires must have gotten crossed but how could this have happened where do i find her no wait if i know anything it’s that everything happens for a reason so i have to follow this day blah blah blah they point is they meet at some party and then it’s just like two teenage girls with choppy bangs and raccoon eyes trying to save the world while also a leeetle bit tipsy on wine coolers.

[creativelyderangedme]

Breaking Point Chapter 4

Adrien learns what’s been going on behind his back between Marinette and Lila - spoiler alert, he’s pissed.

Want to read the rest of the story? AO3 is updated up to Chapter 7

Chapter 4: The Reason

Now it was Adrien’s turn to blink at the girl in shock.

No. There was no way he’d heard that correctly.

But the trepidation reflected in those usually clear blue eyes quickly confirmed that he had in fact heard every word exactly as she’d said them.

So that shock was very quickly being replaced by the same burning fury he’d felt when confronting Lila at their first shoot together. It was festering low in his gut, like a pulsing smoldering ember. Reluctant to flare into an inferno because he was still hesitant to believe he’d heard what he thought he had.

“What do you mean ‘threatened’ ?” He asked, momentarily regretting the dark turn of his tone after watching Marinette flinch slightly. But he couldn’t stop it.  

Marinette fidgeted under what he could only assume had morphed into an intense gaze.

Because he was watching her.

All of her.  

Studying the little ticks and movements her body made that advertised her discomfort. The way her lips parted and she’d begun to breathe unsteadily through her mouth - fuck, he could practically hear the pounding of her heart in those breaths. The way her eyes darted away from him, like she couldn’t keep in contact with him, but not out of shyness.

This was not the timidness that made up Marinette’s usual interactions with him.

As much as he’d been disappointed at the beginning of their friendship that that shyness kept her from being able to talk to him, he’d grown to embrace it. Accept it. Communicate around it. Eventually, they’d fallen into their own sort of language because of that and that eventually developed into the friendship they had now.

But that meant he knew what it looked like.

And this was not it.

“Marinette?” He pushed and he recognized the look in her eye instantly. There was a desire to run. To walk away from the conversation. Hide from it. Pretend it didn’t happen.

He recognized it because he’d had that same look not ten minutes ago.

But she seemed to come to the same conclusions he had.

Silence wasn’t going to fix anything.

Which was even truer since she’d already mentioned something to him. Even if she did run away from him now, it wouldn’t stop him from pursuing the truth later.

Eventually, she groaned loudly, body releasing the tension it had been hoarding in her shoulders over the last couple of minutes so now she looked like she was nearly limbless as she relented to her fate.

“Look, you’re not the only one who’s been doing things on their own.”

He wanted to fire back a snarky ‘I see that’, but knew it would do him no favors. She didn’t deserve that. She’d been so patient with him when the tables were turned. So he kept his mouth shut, waiting for her to gather her thoughts and continue.

“The day Lila came back after… wherever the hell she went, and the class seating got moved around?” She glanced at him, her mouth forming something else, but looked away, choosing to leave it at that.

His eyes narrowed on her.

Of course, he remembered.

And he knew exactly what she’d omitted.

“You mean the day I told you to leave Lila’s lies alone?” His brow rose, unimpressed, making her scowl at him, “ Yeah, I think I recall something about that.” The sarcasm was an unintended side effect, but they were talking about the thing that had driven him to do all of this in the first place.

So as kind as it was that she was trying to spare his feelings, he needed to hear the truth. All of it.

She pouted again, her mouth pulling to the side in another scowl, unhappy that he’d called attention to it, but continued anyway, clearing her throat, “Yes. That day. Right before the Akuma attack, Lila cornered me in the bathroom and threatened me.”

“Threatened how?”

“Why does it matter?”

He stared at her incredulously for a moment, “Are you serious right now?”

They stared again, but Adrien wasn’t backing down. This was important. And frankly, he couldn’t understand why she was suddenly being so stingy with the details.

They stared a bit longer. Their gazes stuck on the other in a battle of wills.

One the blonde was determined to win.

A frustrated groan erupted from her finally, accompanied by a heavy roll of her eyes that seemed to drag her head along with it, “It’s stupid, alright?” She spat, her tone matching his as they fed off of each other’s shifting moods.

It wasn’t what he’d wanted, but if it got her talking, he’d take it and would deal with the repercussions of her temper later.

“I-I thought she was being petty and trying to psych me out because I wasn’t falling in line like everyone else. She said that she’d make everyone hate me, okay? And yeah, I was definitely upset - but come on! I’ve known some of our classmates since we were in diapers. I had more faith in everyone than to just believe she’d turn them on me. And then after school, she managed to catch me before I left and said I’d made my choice and that we were at war.”

She breathed heavily after finishing, trying but failing to maintain a hard look back at him, quickly losing steam as her face softened once more.

She really couldn’t stay mad at him for long, could she?

Interesting Info for another time.

It was a lot to process. A lot to unpack. But Adrien was starting to understand why she’d seemed so hesitant to share at first.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Why didn’t you?” She countered without missing a beat, arms crossing defensively over her chest.

He’d inhaled for his next round of comments and that breath caught in his throat like he’d been sucker-punched below the belt. But he wouldn’t concede to that. “It’s not the same.” His head tilted with the pointed look he gave her.

Because there was no way she actually believed-

“Isn’t it?”

She did. She actually thought they were the same thing.

“No! Marinette, she threatened to take away your friends!”

Her eyes were wide, shoulders hunching in an exaggerated shrug - her entire body conveying her indifference, “But it was a stupid threat!”

And they called him the sunshine child.

He nodded at her point because it wasn’t like she was wrong. It was stupid in that, in a perfect world, it would have been impossible. Lila could have threatened something much worse. But that wasn’t the problem, was it? “Fine, but it was a threat she was making good on.”

That had her hesitating, opening her mouth to argue but closing it again. There wasn’t anything to argue. They weren’t talking in theoretics here. This wasn’t a perfect world.  

“Even before she managed to convince the school to expel you - I’ll come back to that in a moment - she was making you out to be a bully. Every time you argued against her, she managed to turn it on you. I wasn’t there for everything, but I heard about some of it from Nino later on.”

He took a breath, watching her take in and consider his words.

But he wasn’t done.

“But let’s go back to what brought us here today in the first place. Marinette, she actually convinced the school administration that you, a.) cheated on a test where you have perfect scores in the subject, b.) pushed her down a flight of stairs in a jealous rage, and c.) stole her personal property. Even some of our class was convinced.”

None of that was conjecture. Every single point he made, which he’d ticked off on his fingers to further enunciate was unexaggerated fact. It hadn’t just been a lie or a story that was turned around to make her look unpleasant. There had been evidence.  

Lila hadn’t just threatened to turn people against Marinette, she’d struck a masterful blow to Marinette’s reputation with little hope of recovery. It could be done, but it would be like clawing her way out of hell.

A frown had made its home on her lips, hands balling into fists in her lap, “As I said, I figured she’d try something. I just didn’t expect the lengths she’d go to.”

Her blue eyes were clear as she met his searching gaze then and he understood. It hadn’t been indifference he’d seen in her before. It was acceptance. She’d already come to these conclusions on her own. She was smart like that.

And that at least granted him a small bit of comfort.

But it still bothered him. Because she didn’t have to do it alone. Just like him, she wasn’t alone in this fight - she didn’t have to suffer all of this by herself.

The high road only went so far.

He swallowed, willing that heat that radiated from his anger to ease from his words, allowing them to get softer, “I get why you didn’t say anything to the class, especially after they’d sided with Lila as much as they had. But why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know? Because I thought I could handle it? Because, you were right?” she shrugged, having retreated within herself a bit more at this inquisition.

“No, I wasn’t! Lying about who you know or where you’ve been, that’s one thing. But she attacked you. If - if I had known, I wouldn’t have said those things. I wouldn’t have told you-”

“Adrien, stop. Your advice is not the root cause of all my problems, okay? And it’s not like you were wrong! I mean, that entire day just proves it. You said it yourself, trying to out her did nothing but paint me to be the bad guy.”

“Okay, sure, but-”

She put a hand up, effectively silencing him, some of that confidence and resolve he knew so well coming back to her features, “But nothing. At the time, it had been nothing more than a stupid threat. And while, yeah, okay, your advice was a little ill-timed and I took it a little too much to heart, you had the best intentions with the limited information you had.” She allowed for her lips to pull up, “If anything, you confirmed for me what I’d already known at the time. No matter what Lila did, she couldn’t turn everyone on me. I had you on my side and I had faith that I’d have the others as well. That’s why I didn’t say anything.”

She’d had faith that even if Lila made good on her threat, that her friends would stand by her. That he would stand by her. And that kind of trust was something he didn’t feel like he deserved. But she’d been right. In the end, he had been there - no matter how little he’d been able to do at the time.

And the way she was looking at him now told him that no matter what he had to argue back at her next, it was a moot point. She didn’t blame him, no matter how much he blamed himself. And she wouldn’t hear anything else on the matter.

This was… a lot. But he’d needed to hear it. All of it. Which, despite how determined she was to end the conversation at that, he pushed with one last question.

“Is that everything?”

It was clear she hadn’t expected him to ask the follow-up. And while it was also clear she wanted very much to say that it was, to put this all the bed, Marinette hesitated, biting her lip after a moment of prolonged silence.

Oh no. “What?” he asked and was surprised at the pleading in his voice.

“I’m… pretty sure that the Akuma that infected Lila that afternoon is the one that had been meant for me.”

And wasn’t that the icing on the goddamned cake?

Twice.

Lila had nearly caused Marinette to be Akumatized twice. And the second time, she’d nearly succeeded.

All that fury and rage he'd been denying himself came back full force, mounting and building on itself. It was an anger that surprised even himself. What surprised him the most in all of the tumultuous emotions ringing through his head was the growing desire to-  

“I’m going to kill her,” he muttered decisively.

Wide bluebell eyes met him and she nearly squeaked, “W-what?! Y-You can’t do that!”

Oh, he begged to differ. The overly possessive need to protect his friend was telling him otherwise.

“Can’t or shouldn’t? Because I think I’m more than capable of committing murder.” And he knew Plagg was more than happy to comply at this point. Hadn’t he offered his help just a bit ago? Why had he turned him down again?

“No! I’m not going to condone the murder of another person - no matter how much I might hate them.”

“No one said you had to condone it.”

She pursed her lips for a moment, gaze darting over his features, “You can’t be serious, right now.”

“On the contrary, I'm quite serious. In fact, I’d be doing you and everyone else in Paris a service." He'd be doing himself a service. Both sides of himself. "You know who’d back me up? Ladybug and Chat Noir. Lila’s as bad if not worse than Chloe when it comes to being an Akuma or causing them. I’m sure they’d be thrilled to know they have one less psycho they have to worry about.” He’d crossed his arms over his chest during his rant, taking a breath to watch her before something sprang to mind, making his eyes narrow on Marinette conspiratorially as a devious grin took form, “Aren’t you friends with Chat Noir? You should ask him to help and see what he says. I’m paw-sitive he’d agree with me.”

The pun was a little much, but it had the desired effect as the Baker’s daughter sputtered with a roll of her eyes.

“I’m not asking Chat Noir to murder someone for me! He’s a hero! Murder is a crime!”

“What is it they say in the US? No body, no crime? Cataclysm is such an uncontrollably destructive power. What if he 'accidentally' called for it while giving her a handshake or high five?” God, now he was sounding just like Plagg. The little Kwami was rubbing off on him, but he couldn't find it in himself to care.

Not with the way Marinette seemed to struggle with keeping that growing amused grin off her face. “Stop it. You’re being terrible.” she tried admonishing him, but her words held no actual heat. She was enjoying this as much as he was it seemed. And that helped soothe him a bit from his murderous intentions.

Not that he wasn’t completely serious. No one messed with his friends. Especially someone as kind and caring as Marinette.

But for now, he could leave the premeditation for later. “I’m just saying, Marinette. Wasted opportunity.”

“I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.”

She chuckled then with a shake of her head, eyes finding him. The sound was humored and her gaze danced with mirth despite the darker turn their jokes had taken. “I didn’t take you for the vindictive type, Agreste.” her stare swept over him as if taking him in for the first time. Reevaluating long drawn conclusions of his character, but the sly upturn of her lips told him she was not disappointed to find a bit of darkness to the so-called sunshine child.

“It’s pretty hot, actually.”

No, apparently not disappointed in the least.

Adrien's brows shot up to his hairline, green eyes wide before he had to suck his lips in and clench them shut with his teeth in shock and utter amusement.

So shocked in fact, that he couldn't actually process the fact that she'd been talking about him. Because that was a whole other can of worms he was definitely not prepared to address at the moment. Because HOLY SHIT Marinette had just essentially checked him out and called him hot. Not like he hadn't been called that before, but this was Marinette Dupain-Cheng. And if anyone was as innocent as him, it was her.

And poor, sweet, (maybe not-so) innocent Marinette looked like she might die of heat stroke the way her face flushed the loveliest shade of crimson as her own words finally dawned on her.

Scientifically speaking, it really shouldn't be possible to turn that color naturally. But she did.

“Forget I said that.” he was surprised when she managed to speak clearly, normally when she got even a fraction as flustered as she looked right then, her words turned to riddles. “Oh my god, please, please forget I said that. I-I didn’t-”

He could have consoled her. He should have consoled her. Told her she was fine and it was okay, he wasn't offended. In fact, the part of him quickly coming to terms with the fact that he too had misjudged the girl sitting front of him and, fuck, she'd called him hot, was more than a little flattered. But all this rebellious talk and spite had his Chat Noir showing and he couldn't help but scrutinize her as that signature teasing grin took over his face.

“So you do have a type. Good to know. I never would have guessed you preferred the bad boy genre.” his grin deepened dangerously as she sputtered uselessly in response, egging him on further. It was just too much fun messing with her like this. “Though I am starting to understand the friendship with Chat Noir.” his finger came to tap his chin before turning the Chat Charm up to 11. “It’s the leather, isn’t it?”

"A-Adrien!"

Huh, interestingly enough, it was possible to get even more flushed as Marinette seemed to go at least another three shades darker. If he wasn't so busy laughing at her expense, he might have been worried about her health. Or, at the very least, morbidly fascinated at such a scientific discovery.

There was a rustle of movement as Marinette snatched the pillow he'd maintained his grasp on and began pummeling him with it, but all that served to do was make him laugh harder as his arms came up to help block the onslaught.

“You’re. The. Worst!” She yelled with every hit.

“You’re not denying it!” He laughed out in response, finally managing to catch the makeshift weapon and throw in a soft hit of his own for good measure, keeping the pillow out of her reach when she dove for it again.

The look of complete and utter embarrassment mixed with the determined fire in her eyes made it so much more enjoyable. Any other time, he would have apologized, but this back and forth was everything he’d ever wanted out of a friendship with Marinette. And it was like breathing fresh air. Both of them goofing off and just being themselves.

It made him appreciate her in a whole new way. Made him give her a quick (maybe not-so-quick) once-over as well as he memorized the look she was giving him. Memorize the constellation of freckles over her nose and cheeks. Memorize the specks of dark blue in her otherwise sky blue gaze.

But all good things had to come to an end eventually.

The end of their little pillow fight came with multiple chimes from both of their cell phones that had gone largely forgotten in their time talking together.

It broke them out of their stare-off, scrambling away from each other to find their devices.

A peek at the screen was enough to ground Adrien back to reality as he saw nearly a dozen missed texts from Nino, Alya and a couple from Lila all asking where he’d disappeared to.

He peered up to find a frown on Marinette’s face as she too examined her phone, “Looks like our absences have been noticed.”

He nodded, pulling up the messages from Nino:

Nino 7:55 am

Hey man, where’d ya go? Lila said you ran to the bathroom but that was like 10 min ago.

Nino 7:58 am

You feeling alright? Need me to cover for you? Get some meds from the infirmary?

Nino 8:00 am

Dude, I’m gettin a lil worried. Give me a sign or somethin?

Nino 8:02 am

The bell rang like 2 mins ago and you still haven’t even read these. Where the hell are you? Mari isn’t here either.  

Nino 8:09 am

Alya can’t reach Mari and we’re both pretty worried, so please once you see this, give us a sign you’re ok?

Nino 8:30 am

Okay seriously. Imma call the cops cause this isn’t like you, Bro. You haven’t been like kidnapped right? I don’t even know what to do in this kind of situation!

Nino 8:32 am

PLEASE BRO. I’M LOSING MY SHIT RIGHT NOW. PLEASE. Just tell me you’re bein’ rebellious and not like kidnapped. Or dead. Please don’t be dead.

Nino 8:45 am

Dude. I… don’t think I’d be able to handle finding out you were dead all this time.

Nino 8:48 am

Like I don’t knw that my heart could take it

Nino 8:50 am

I’d have to write a eulogy and talk at your funeral.

Nino 8:55 am

FRIENDS DON’T MAKE FRIENDS TALK AT THEIR UNTIMELY FUNERALS, BRO. DON’T DO ME LIKE THIS.

Nino 9:00 am

Okay… like all jokes aside, I’m really freaked out. No one can get in contact with you or Mari and if I don’t hear anything in the next 10 minutes I will call the cops.

Nino 9:08 am

Don’t think I won’t! I’m dead serious, Agreste. If you are pranking me right now I’mma kick your ass.

Adrien chuckled all the way through his messages from Nino. The guy was usually so chill. It was funny - if not totally heartwarming - to see him freak out over his sudden absence.

As he re-read over the last messages another came through:

Nino 9:09 am

Last chance.

With a loving roll of his eyes, Adrien set out to relieve his friend of his overactive imagination.

Adrien 9:09 am

Don’t call the cops Nino! I’m fine! I just didn’t see the messages until just now. Sorry Bro, didn’t mean to freak you out.

The response was immediate.

Nino 9:09 am

FUCK DUDE. I WAS SO CLOSE TO CALLING IN THE ARMY. WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN???

Adrien 9:10 am

I did go to the bathroom. On my way back to class, I ran into Mari who looked really sick. I was worried, so I helped get her back home.

He frowned as he hit send on his last message to his best friend, but tried to not let it get to him. He hated lying to Nino like this, but it had to be done. At least for now.

He peaked back up to find that Marinette had swapped out her phone for one of the nearly forgotten snacks she’d brought up for them as she sat patiently waiting for him to finish, nibbling slowly at the end of a croissant.

“Is Alya freaking out as much as Nino?”

She chuckled with a nod, “Yeah. Threatened to post about me being missing on the Ladyblog.”

Another chime caught his attention, bringing his eyes back down to the device in his hands.

Nino 9:11 am

Oh geez - I hope Mari’s okay. Looks like she just messaged Alya and said she almost fainted? Scary. So did you just decide to be her nurse for the day or something?

Adrien had been in the process of reaching for a snack as well when he nearly choked.

Adrien 9:12 am

WHAT?! NO! Her parents asked me to sit with her until the doctor got here. You can ask them!

Nino 9:12 am

XD Dude, I’m just messin. Seriously, tho - way to be a hero man! I’m sure she super appreciates it.

Nino 9:13 am

But, you do plan on coming back to school right? Like if she’s really that sick, it’s prob not best to hang around too long.

He had a point. Even if the illness was fake, hanging around more than necessary would be just as suspicious. No matter how much Adrien wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of the day in this newfound safe haven.

“It’s probably about time you headed back to class, huh?” Marinette brought his attention back to her while also somehow reading his mind.

She’d slipped back into that soft smile she seemed to have for him today, all jokes and embarrassment forgotten.

He nodded, standing up slowly and stretching to bring his body back to alertness, “I suppose so. Thanks again for all of this. I - I really needed it. The escape and the talk.” His arm snaked back to rub nervously at the back of his neck as she too stood and stretched.

“You and me both needed this, so please don’t worry about it. We should do it again sometime.”

There was a moment of hesitation and thickness in the air between them. Something unresolved. Something neither of them wanted to leave hanging there, but neither knowing what to do with the beast of burden.

Well, he didn’t know what to do. But leave it to Marinette Dupain-Cheng to know exactly what to say as she reached out and squeezed his arm, “We’ll figure all of this out, Adrien. Not right now, but soon. I promise.”

He nodded, because how did someone follow-up after such encouraging words? He couldn’t. She said it all and so much more and it helped him quell any lingering dread having to go back to class without her.

But that still meant he’d have to say goodbye and leave. Which he was finding hard to convince himself to do. But he knew he had to. He just didn't want them slipping back into those old tense habits. He wanted the fun fiery Marinette all the time. He wanted to be able to keep talking with her. He wanted to have contact with her.

He wanted to hug her. Like she'd hugged him earlier. But pouncing on her was probably a bad idea. They'd made so much ground in such a short time. He didn't want to scare her away.

“Can-can I hug you again?” He asked instead, opened his arms in invitation, a shy bubbling hope filling his chest and making him anxious as he watched her eyes go wide and her cheeks flush again.

But she didn’t leave him hanging.

Marinette smiled softly before stepping into the space, wrapping her arms around him and almost burying herself in his frame like he was one of the pillows on her bed.

Who was he to deny her the same?

Adrien wrapped her snuggly in his own embrace, resting his chin happily on top of her head and closing his eyes. Resisting the urge to purr in delight.

Oh yeah. He was quickly developing a need for hugs like this from now on.

“Hey,” her voice came out muffled from his shirt. Quiet and timid once more.

He hummed in response, feeling all that boiling rage from their earlier confessions cooled and tamed while she was wrapped safely in his arms. Not just their conversation. He felt the tension of the last month had been soothed from his body and he felt stronger, calmer, in control of himself.

Imagine that. Talking about your problems actually helps.

“Are you mad?”

He found that while all those emotions had been tamed, yes, he was still angry. But not at her. Never at her. They’d both done something stupid, but that was the essence of what it meant to be teenagers, right? Being stupid and making stupid mistakes. But this could be fixed. He knew it could. He just wasn’t sure how yet. But that was a problem for future him.

For now, he was content to chuckle softly through his nose at her question, “No.” The corner of his mouth pulled up slightly, “I am disappointed though.”

Her arms tightened around his middle and he could almost feel her cringing against his chest before she peaked up at him with her nose scrunched up and a small grin of her own, “You’re right. That is worse.”