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christinepanas · 1 year

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When Augustus Was God

A short fiction story

The first time I worked with Professor Newborn, I was a wide-eyed, second year grad student and he was the director of the archaeological excavation. Quirky, I thought, the way he reacted to each find, especially anything sculptural. Maybe I wouldn’t have found him so quirky had he not dressed like a character fit for a blockbuster movie. Cargo shorts. Pith helmet. A bandolier filled with pens and other tools. Timberlands. White socks. A pocket watch.

“Welcome to the dig,” he said to me on the day I arrived, bedraggled and loaded down with equipment. “We’ll have fun.”

“It’s an honor to be here,” I replied. And it was.

Newborn was famous in archaeological circles, partly for his scholarship but mostly for-some of his out-there theories about the humans whose trash and graves we dug up. But he was a good leader and a thoughtful mentor, and, when he published excavation findings, an excellent documentarian. He cared for the artifacts we unearthed and received them with the kind of awe and respect most people reserve for religious relics. His reverence made me question my own reasons for pursuing archaeology. I told myself it was for a deeper understanding of my own world and how we got here. I needed that foundation for my big picture approach to existence.

Academia, however, is seldom a big picture world. It is a place of increasingly esoteric and tedious studies and examinations of minutia. Here is the fragmented rim of a water vessel. We posit the whole of the vessel from studies of its rim, and perhaps, if we are lucky, a few random fragments of its body. Then we study changes in rims over the spread of time and geography. We can show when and where rims change. But we don’t know why they do. Some theories posit that itinerant potters and their personal styles spread changes. Some posit physical improvements, or simply the need for novelty. Either way, washing, sorting, organizing, counting, drawing, photographing, bagging, tagging, and cataloging thousands of pottery sherds is tedious. And they pile up.

I am not great with tedium. To write five hundred pages and five thousand footnotes about something that Euripides might have, could have, should have said or done or thought! That tedium would render me mad. I prefer to stand back and look at everything all at once, to see time laid out before me like a banquet. Staring at piles of unsorted sherds, all I wanted to do was pause the recording of human endeavors and see what everyone was up to on a specific day in the distant past. I wanted synchronicity. I wanted to see Parmenides arguing that all reality is one while Xerxes was busy building gates in Persepolis. They would not have agreed on Truth and its nemesis, Opinion. That is what I craved, not the tedium.

But I am practical, and I know that it takes hard work to achieve anything, and in archaeology hard work means digging in dirt and gleaning deep meaning from piles of detritus. That, and reading reams of tedious articles written by people like me.

A month into the excavation season, on a boiling hot Friday afternoon, I was digging along the foundation trench of a sixth century BC temple when I found a giant centipede cradling her brood of tiny offspring. Fascinating. We all stopped work to examine the situation and discuss moving the centipede nursery. Someone volunteered to move the nest to a hollow under a fig tree. And then we all resumed work.

Just a few minutes later, I found a marble finger. It was an odd finger, three times life size and bent as though it had been cradling something. The rest of the hand was nowhere to be found. Not an uncommon occurrence when buildings are destroyed and rebuilt over and over again.

“A splendid finger, isn’t it?” Professor Newborn commented, his own fingers dancing along the length of the marble. “Very fine.”

I said nothing as I watched his expression change from curiosity to admiration. Maybe even love.

“Splendid,” he repeated, and with great reverence as he placed the finger in a container.

Later that day, as we students and volunteers sat on low stools, washing the finds and making notes, Newborn stopped by to chat.

“Such a magnificent day,” he said as he looked across the fields of sunflowers and tomatoes that surrounded the excavation mount. Then he sighed with an odd heaviness.

“It is a beautiful day,” one of the volunteers said. “God’s day.”

The rest of us remained silent as a breeze scented with wild thyme and rosemary stirred through us.

“Can you imagine,” Newborn said to no one in particular, “how all of this must have looked? I mean, at its height.”

I could not. It was all a chaotic jumble. Outlines. Charred roof tiles. Rusty bits of iron. Broken marble blocks. Piles of rubble. Sherds everywhere. Some modern trash. The occasional scorpion or snake.

“We think we know so much now,” he said and then retreated into his thoughts, humming and mumbling to himself.

That night, as we sat around the encampment fire, the team from Vienna was discussing the results of their recent land survey using ground penetrating radar. I was fascinated.

“Yes,” Gruben said. “We can clearly see that this plain continues from the sunken valley fault. We see the pre-tertiary granite and serpentinite with the characteristic overlay of tertiary volcanic and sedimentary rocks.”

Newborn sat in silence, the firelight reflecting off the smudged lenses of his glasses. His lips were pursed, as if he were about to whisper. After a lull in the conversation he said, “the science tells us the what but not the why.”

The next morning, I awoke well before dawn, drawn out of sleep by the sound of a nearby shepherd moving his sheep through an adjacent field. The music of his flute, gentle for the early hour, transported me across the millennia to a distant time when my own ancestors moved their herds across these same lands. I lay in my cot, eyes firmly opened, as if the wider I held them, the better I could hear. Dozens of thoughts flickered and flashed as the last of sleep left me.

And then the sounds of sheep and flute receded, and I was left wide awake and in awe of the continuum I had just witnessed. I climbed out of my bunk and dressed myself while my roommate slept on. I hardly knew her. She had arrived the week before from Berlin. She was there to study bones.

Newborn was already up and moving around. I watched him walk past our hut, mumbling to himself, catching only a few words here and there. He seemed to be talking about an inscription in Greek. Omicron. Lambda. Retrograde. And then he said, “But Augustus wouldn’t have known that.”

Augustus was Newborn’s obsession. And, despite the fact that we were digging up Greeks some five hundred years older than the first true Roman emperor, Newborn could find a way to bring the conversation to the reign of Augustus. And his particular fascination was Augustus’ godhead.

The Romans, a practical organization whose structure and culture spread over a vast territory, had a way of making religious expression beneficial for the organization. It was simple: They believed that humans created gods, and that all gods, at one time or another, had been human. It was tradition. And tradition was sacred. Today, we call this kind of devotion ancestor or hero worship. But the Romans took it to different and legal dimensions. Augustus was the first of the godheads to rule the Roman state. And Newborn was fixated on that moment when Augustus left the mortal for the divine realm.

It is an interesting topic, this notion of godhood as a product of human need. For many of the secular archaeologists working with Newborn, the Roman logic of godhood was obvious and practical. Of course the Romans made Augustus into a god! It was a logical step, considering how the Republic would have fallen apart had Augustus not become emperor. Or so they argued. And they posited that Jesus was likewise bestowed divinity by those Roman followers to whom Paul constantly wrote. New Testament as proof of something. Like sherds and marble fingers.

For the religious among us, such discussions created discomfort. Examinations of faith are seldom without discomfort. And some of us, especially some of the American volunteers on the excavation, held conservative Christian beliefs. It bothered them that the word “god” was used indiscriminately. It bothered them when Jesus was diminished to a man whose godhead was bestowed upon him by his followers. For them, such talk was proof that Satan was at work among the academicians.

Newborn handled the difficult conversations well. He never dismissed the religious, nor the secular. When things heated up, he found a way to bring everyone together. His inherent reverence to all things sacred, regardless of affiliation, never waned. And I think some of it might have rubbed off on the rest of us.

Over the next few years, I would work with Newborn two more times before I was off to the western edges of the Roman Empire, seeking an obsession that would carry me through dissertation, publishing, conferences, post doc, a book, and the holy grail of academia: a tenured position.

The last time I worked with him, he spoke almost non-stop about Augustus. It was like a stream of consciousness narrative about the man-to-god life of the architect of the pax romana. Augustus set the stage for two centuries of peaceful (allegedly) Empire building and Newborn was like an obsessed fan.

Others in archaeological circles had noticed this obsession, too. They whispered about it at conferences that touched on the topic. Someone from Princeton created a fake Augustus fan club and invited Newborn to join. He never replied, so I heard.

I spent the next two decades trying to build my career, a difficult task given the amount of tedium this required. During that time, I seldom returned to Asia Minor. I somehow relegated myself to the western edges of the Roman Empire, those provincial lands that Romanists smirk at. Elitists. Unending sneering at provincials imitating Rome. It’s another iteration of Ivy League-smirking at State Schools. Elitism is deeply imbedded in the world of classical studies. But I did not care. At conferences, I attended sessions that pertained to the far-flung reaches of the Empire. But I was never too far away from Augustus and his acolytes. It was still his territory. His long shadow.

One year, it happened that Newborn and I were both giving papers in the same session at a conference in New Orleans. He asked if we could meet. I agreed. It was a cool, February morning. He was dressed in khaki pants and a white polo shirt. No hat. His hair had greyed and thinned but his eyes still flickered with joy.

“So good to see you!” he exclaimed. “I read your article on provincial dynastic portraiture. Good job.”

I thanked him, and then together we went for a coffee. But I hated that article. It was just another article documenting what we all knew.

“Your article inspired me,” he said. “The western empire has some interesting stylistic constants. I am sure Augustus would approve.”

At first, I smiled and chuckled. Augustus would approve. An archaeological inside joke. But he carried on.

“I was particularly interested in the sculpture from Merida. But you know, he doesn’t like the ears,” Newborn said.

“He doesn’t like the ears?” I asked. “What do you mean?”

Newborn sipped at his coffee and then ran his hand through his hair.

“Augustus doesn’t have ears that big,” he said. “But it is a fascinating likeness. I wish there were more images from Spain and the west. It’s not like home, though.”

“Home? You mean Asia Minor?” I asked.

“The Vatican,” he replied. “It’s really his city, isn’t it?”

For a few seconds I reviewed the history of my conversations with Newborn.

Augustus would have. Augustus had. Augustus has had. Augustus has. Augustus will have.

Newborn had moved from a subjunctive past to a future perfect. Or was it just Augustus moving through time and space? Maybe they were both caught up in a temporal wave. But wherever he – they – were now, it felt as though they were with me in the present. Someone’s present. Augustus was real to him, as real as open-armed Jesus was to his believers. Newborn’s words evoked the devotee that resides in all humans. We want eternal heroes.

As he went on, speculating about what Augustus liked, likes, might like, I thought about that marble finger I had found – my first real find – a finger attached to nothing, a rogue piece of the past that continued to taunt us. Nothing more was ever found. Plenty of articles had been written about it, though. Speculations. Theories. Analogs. And here we were twenty-five years later, both pursuing some kind of truth as we wrestled with the remnants of that time when Augustus was god.

“I am writing a new book,” Newborn said as we were about to part ways. “I’d like to give you a draft to read.”

I agreed and thanked him.

Weeks later, a package arrived at my office. As promised, it was a draft of Newborn’s new book. The working title was written by hand: Augustus, God and Man: How Early Christians Appropriated Roman State Religion. He had dedicated the book to me and a few others from that first season. A note on the table of contents read, “This time, I tell the why of it. I know you understand.”

#roman empire #augustus caesar #archaeology #classical studies #fiction #short fiction

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gotebox · 2 years

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Mercenaries

The sun hangs low in the morning sky and the kingdom of Audhelm wakes along with its people. Merchants open their stalls and exchange goods while they wait for customers to show, people wake up and begin making their way to their jobs, opening up businesses and hiring people to advertise for them on the streets. City guards take their shifts and patrol the streets, watching over the people carefully, their armor and equipment giving them a distinct clunk! As they move in between alley ways and streets. Outside of the kingdom’s walls, in a hamlet a few miles away, two mercenaries arise.

Khal and Vanith sit in their small business, the two had grown up together and naturally ended up living together, starting a mercenary business to try and make coin as they made their way in the world. As Vanith sits in a chair on the side, he works on his bow, making the string taut and giving it some practice draws.

“Anything at all yet Khal?” He asks, continuing to work on the bow.

“Nothing yet my friend...” Khal says. He sits at the desk in the front, putting quill to parchment as he responds to Vanith.

“Work has been slow lately, nothing to do but wait or, if you’d like, take some side jobs working with the tavern.”

Vanith sighs, “I’d rather not be a server again, I learned my lesson last time, drunkards are more trouble than that job is worth.”

Khal laughs “And so you’d rather put your life on the line being a soldier for hire?”

“It pays a lot more than giving a drunkard more ale.” Vanith responds.

“Well, you do have a point there...”

The conversation is interrupted as the door to their business opens, a familiar clunk! follows the footsteps of the man who walked in, Vanith grimaces as the knight makes his way to the desk, though he looked very young, he was holding himself up with a great amount of dignity.

“Good day sirs! I am here looking for mercenaries to aid the wa-”

“Yes, we know what you’re here for, and we’re not interested.” Vanith says coldly.

The knight is surprised but continues “...to aid in the war efforts as we continue to fight against...” He trails off a bit, Vanith now giving him an icy glare.

This time it’s Khal that interrupts him “Your commanding officer told you to go through this whole speech no matter what, am I correct?”

The knight looks a bit nervous but nods his head responding, “I was told instructed to, yes.”

Khal quickly followed up, “You’re not the first knight to be here and ask for our assistance, tell your officer that this hamlet wants no part in their war profiteering.”

The knight looked a bit annoyed at the words, responding “This is not profiteering, the knights of Audhelm fight only for honor and-” “-the glory of the kingdom, yes, we’ve heard this before too.” Khal quickly interrupts, finishing the phrase and attempting to get the last word in.

The knight walks away, still looking slightly annoyed as he closes the door behind him.

“Finally, I’m sick of the kingdom charging in here every other week.” Vanith says, putting his bow down as he watches out the window on the door, “These wars the kingdom gets itself into are pointless...we may be soldiers for hire but at least we’re helping someone at the end of a job. This conflict helps only the upper echelong of the kingdom.” he finished.

Khal simply nodded in return, continuing to write on the parchment on his desk before being interrupted by the door opening once more. Vanith stepped back looking a bit shocked as yet another young man stepped in, one that was recognizable.

“Apollo!” Khal smiled, welcoming him before realizing that Apollo was panting, a cut across his arm.

Regaining his posture, he quickly explained “Drunkards in the tavern are causing trouble...I got a dagger pulled on me for trying to break up a fight, and now the place is practically in chaos, I got most of the bystanders out but my father’s still in there, you have to help!” Apollo said it all in one go, barely taking a breath as he sat on the chair Vanith previously occupied, panting heavily.

Grabbing his bow, Vanith quickly tended to his wounds, a calming light pulsating from his hands as he placed them on the wound “There we go...that should help with the bleeding at least, we have bandages in the supply chest, help yourself.” Khal is already making his way towards the door, grabbing a large claymore-like sword that rested on the desk wrapped in cloth. Quickly removing said cloth revealed a shining steel blade.

“Let’s go Vanith.”

The scene at the tavern was indeed chaos, two men were not just fighting, but one was slinging spells at the other, small fireballs and the like zipped across the room as the tavern keeper Yarne hid behind the counter, feeling both aggravated and afraid as he listened to the ensuing chaos and therefore the destruction of his establishment.

“You yellow bellied bastard...I swear if it wasn’t for your drunken habits, we would still be in the business!” yelled one man, launching a quick lightning bolt at his opponent. The projectile missed it’s mark by many feet however, the drinks having affected more than just the men's temper.

The other man responded by rushing drunkenly ahead with a dagger, the brute force approach barely even considered as the spell slinger dodged albeit with a bit of sway to his step. “I wouldn’t ‘av this drinking habit if we just kept workin’ towards the bigger heist! We would be livin’ in luxury right now!” he responded, taking random swings at this point, knocking over chairs and mugs of mead.

Vanith was the first to arrive on the scene, being much lighter on his feet. Without even a word, he took aim with his bow, looking to disarm the dagger wielding brute, that is, before a small fireball zipped towards him, he could barely roll away in time as it hit the entrance, leaving a large still hot sear on it and singing Vanith’s tail just a bit.

The spellslinger was firing them off with little care, the fight becoming an outlet for rage that had seemingly been built up for one reason or another. Vanith rose once again, taking aim, he quickly let loose an arrow on the brute, an arrow straight through his arm. “Dammit!” the man held his arm, the dagger dropping helplessly to the ground as he struggled with his wound. The spellslinger was surprised, attempting to run as he realized what was happening, he ran into what he thought was a wall.

It was Khal. “Sorry about this.” Khal said before quickly lunging the pommel of his blade into the spellslinger’s chest, knocking the wind out of him as he joined his compatriot on the ground, struggling.

As the two of them lay there, Vanith quickly got to work, bounding their hands and feet and drawing a small sigil on both of the spellcaster’s hands. Sighing, Vanith turned to see Khal and Yarne attempting to fix what little they could, Yarne explaining the situation as best as he could.

“They suddenly started yellin’ at first my boy tried to get em to calm down but got an arm fulla steel for it. We evacuated everyone we could, but they made a right mess of this place...” He said in a sad, tired voice. “Thank you both for arriving as quick as you could, I don’t have anything to repay ya with...” Khal smiled, as much of a smile he could muster in a situation like this at least.

“It’s no trouble Yarne, we’re just glad no one else got hurt. Now, about these two...” Khal scratched the back of his head. “I suppose...we gotta turn em’ in to the kingdom.”

Vanith scowled but nodded in agreement, exiting the tavern to find the knight from earlier. Khal stayed on watch, wondering what possibly could’ve led them to fighting. Taking a seat and leaning forward onto his sword, he watched the two closely, the sounds of clanking metal and footsteps making their way towards the entrance.

At the very least, he thought it was a job well done.

#Short story #Fantasy #Furry #Gotenerd #I forgot I wrote this for a college paper #I kinda still really like it

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please-picturemeintheweeds · 2 months

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Got any idea about how to have healtier relationships? I used to literally not have boundaries and sold out parts of my soul for people who I thought were commmited to me, I once upon a time changed too much for a few people who weren't worth it but I want to let people in my life again and how do I do that better and healthier?

🤍🤍🤍

I feel you!! And omg I’m so proud of you for wanting to let people in again after being hurt in that way! You’ve got this 💪🏻! Giving up parts of your self for other people happens to everybody, so you’re definitely not alone. Something that has helped me a lot with this is the concept of self-consent and honoring boundaries (which are an expression of consent) that I set for myself. For example; “I know this feels good right now because I like seeing this other person happy, but I told myself I wouldn’t do xyz because it has made me feel isolated/bad about myself in the past… how can I support myself to stick to that decision?” Some other questions that are good to ask yourself often: Is this change something that I am freely, enthusiastically doing? Am I pressuring myself into this change, why? Can I change my mind? Would it be safe for me to express how I feel (to myself and to others)? How do I feel in my body when I think about this change?

It’s very very hard to set/communicate boundaries to others when we cross our own boundaries allll the time. It’s so engrained in our culture to violate our own boundaries, and other peoples’. White supremecist hetero-patriarchy fundamentally operates on repeated violations of boundaries, think about being pressured to stay late for work or not take the pre approved vacation day off, or to just hug someone because they want a hug, or to push our bodies past the limits of hunger/need to pee/thirst/discomfort to finish a task, or to use poison in our gardens. Which is not to say that you can never choose to do something that you don’t want to do- we freely consent to stuff like that all the time (a classic example is helping a friend move. Yeah it’s not fun, you might not want to, but you can still choose to do it and feel fulfilled and empowered by that choice! Another reason one might choose to do something that doesn’t feel good could be for safety. If you need to do something for your safety, or if the consequences for not doing it would be far worse, I would encourage you to trust your instincts, make the thing as safe as possible, and seek support to address that underlying safety issue).

So I really just want you to know that this is a very normal thing to struggle with, and that it is a radical act every single time you pause to honor your own limits, needs, desires, and boundaries. Which also means we have to explore what feels good, as much as what feels bad! Trying new things is a wonderful amazing part of life! And sometimes other people are the catalyst to discovering things that you never would have tried without that push to step out of your comfort zone! But the important part is always about choice and autonomy. Is it something you are choosing to do, and why? Are you free to make a different choice?

go slow, trust your gut, try and run things by a few other people so that you have a variety of perspectives to draw from, and have fun endlessly creating your self 🦋

#Asks #empowered relationships #Gender based violence 101 for swifties #Ptsd #wouldve could’ve should’ve hours #Trauma #relationships #C

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elfhchan · 3 months

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I'm crying you're so sweet, bestie!!😭💖 I am very glad that I was able to make you happy with my words! Aww~ it's okay and the size doesn't matter!! All your works, regardless of their length are amazing trust me! Hehe, I blush at your words again, my dear!! I didn't expect you to like it at all, I'm kicking my feet because im so happy waaaaah >///< Yes, it is! It's so cute that he tried to be himself, and even wanted to ride Ghostie, which he eventually did 😩💘 I mean, even being like a puppy, he stays as a top at some point and it's so cool! Yeeeah in fact the moment with Ghostie on the window sunbathing melted my heart and a bit later I will show how much!! To be honest, your fanfiction can be both sad and a bit with pain for me, and I totally adore them too!! The characters look alive, just like the real ones and it is really nice! Oh, I would write you so many comments under all your fanfiction about how sensual your works are, how wonderful every line you've written, all the feelings that you describe make me get goosebumps, and they do not cause an overwhelming at all, they only cause positive feelings! In fact, I read this fanfiction almost as soon as you published it, well, maybe an hour after publication... I wrote to you about this only yesterday because I wanted to show you a drawing inspired by your incredibly amazing work. And even now I answered you so late because I just recently finished it... 😔 I tried to make it with the atmosphere that you described in your work, but maybe I didn't quite understand how the shadow from the sun falls at them both, so it turned out like this- oh and it's nice that you're in a good mood and readers could feel it through fanfiction too!! <33 I am sending you hearts, your works and answers are just incredibly nice and beautiful, you are the best, sweetheart!! 💖💖💕💞💘💖💕💘💞💘💕💖💘💖💕💘💕💘💞💘💕💘💖💘💕💘💖💕💘💝💕💘💖💝💕💘💘💖💝

Also sorry for bad quality i can't do anything with it NOW BYE IM RUNNING AWAY CUZ IM SHY AAAAAAA

Once again, thank you for taking the time to read and express your feelings about my fanfics! It is an honor to have someone who is this dedicated to what they like and it makes me even happier that this is my work you enjoy reading! I always try to bring at least a small amount of storytelling and emotions to the story, I dont want it to be too smvty and basic because then it loses its meaning. I see Ghosty and Kon as humans, not just characters, so I need to showcase that, even if sometimes the outcome is sad or a bit painful.

Never feel down for commenting late or anything of the sort, we all have lives and it's totally okay with me whenever you do, I enjoy seeing your comments and thoughts on my stories!! Your artwork is ADORABLE, so cute, and bestie, you are SUPER talented! You portrayed the scene very well, and you also gave such a beautiful dimension to Simon's eyelashes, I LIVE! I appreciate your time and effort so much, you didn't have to go through all the trouble to create this tho!! Make sure to eat something yummy to reward yourself for this! And also, this will go on my wall, no joke! I adore it, it's now my favorite artwork of them ever! 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖 Also don't feel bad about the quality, I LOVE YOUR ARTWORK REGARDLESS!!!

૮˶• ༝ •˶ა ./づ /̵͇̿/’̿’̿ ̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ‧₊˚♥︎♡

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evoanakin · 2 years

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Doc,

I have been down lately, been physically and mentally exhausted from working. I started drawing again, after years I am starting to do it. Been reading a lot of self help books and putting out my frustrations in workout. Tntry ko like 3-5 times a day magworkout. I still drink and smoke. But i feel like it’s not affecting my mental state naman. I don’t go hard on it, very chill and responsible naman.

It’s been very hard. Ask sakin ng lawyer ko kung kailan anniversary namin. I said nov 15, sabi niya yung mga tao daw na alam yung mga maliliit na bagay sa spouse nila, inlove pa din. Sabi ko oo nnaman. Lahat ata ng bagay tungkol sa asawa ko alam ko. Before i made 10 things to know about Gracell. When i found out she was dating someone else. I told her its not just 10 things about you. So the other day I wrote down every thing i could think that I know about her. Its was like two pages. Every single detail, from how kind of egg she likes, to the amount honey nasa tea niya, wherever I go, I know what she would like. I know it. I wake up every day i see her face, i kiss her before i go to work, she kisses me. I tell her i love her every night. The truth is i love my wife to the core of my heart, I would do anything for her. I proposed to her three times, i remember the first time she said she was in love with me after 2 weeks, just two weeks of being together. Our first kiss. I flew here just to tell her i love her cos i wanted to tell her in her face. And the next day she said it back. Best morning of my life.

I know the reality is that we’re both toxic. I trigger her so much cos I didn’t know how to handle her she didn’t know how to handle me. I memorize every part of her except that. I try so hard to cook her the best tortang talong that she loves. But i couldn’t even try so hard to not trigger her. I know it was bad, we were hurting each other. But i didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t mean to hurt her. I know my heart loves her so much. And i have done so many things to hurt her. And i know someday she would forgive me like how i forgave myself. If only people know why she acted those ways, the hiding, the lying, the anger. I knew how much she been through, she told me every single part of her. Sometimes more than once pa nga e. But yeah, i understand where shes coming from. But i do deserve better. She deserves better. She inspired me to be better. To love myself. To find myself again. To be a better version of me. I wish the best version of her. I always believed that she is more than what her mom says or what other people say. She has good heart. She doesn’t wanna be a bad person. I know it cos i have seen it. I have seen the weakest part of her and I know she scared. I know shes better than what she made me feel. I try to erase the bad memories cos shes the best part of my life. She made my dream come true. And its not going to do me good if i stay there, in the past. I want my memories of her where moments she made my heart so hard to breathe. The moments she made me feel safe and loved. I was happy at some parts but i had sad moments where i felt unsettled, unease and unsecured. I lost myself and who i wanted to be. A person with respect for the girl he loves. A person who honors his wife. A person who will do anything for his wife without regrets. I read this book that “choose your hero and become your hero until you are your hero.”. My hero is my grandfather, my ito. My ito showed me how to love and respect and honor a wife. I always wanted to be like him when i grew up and get married. But at some parts i failed him cos at some parts i failed my wife. At so many parts, i hurt my wife emotionally, mentally and physically. I made her cry so many times and she felt so much pain when she was with me. I made her feel unsafe and she would overthink and cry herself to sleep. I have made her question my love for me. She grew thin cos she couldn’t eat in our fight. She felt ugly but she is the most beautiful girl for me in this world. She is perfect for me, in my eyes even how mad she made me. She makes my heart melt. I have hurt her. I have failed her.

Second chances in love is not easily given in this world. But if i had another chance, I would do it right this time. Time makes people change. Time apart makes people be better. If they choose to be better. And i choose it every day. I choose to be better for myself. My health. My mind. My peace. My family and my friends. My choice was because of her. Not because she left me. But she inspired me that I can be better. Time will give me more chance to be better. Time will heal me more than ever.

At the end, she gave me a second chance for myself. Even if its not for us. She still thought about me, even if she thinks or it looks like she only thought about herself. It was Gods way, in her that we both needed this. And at in ever day of my life now and until when ever it is time, I will not miss her like I miss her now. I will not love her like how i love her now. But whatever comes our way apart, I hope we see each other with happiness and joy and peace again.

We came to you cos we wanted to save what we had, not break it. But every thing happens for a reason. And whatever that reason is. I know it will be okay at the end of the day. I am not okay. I am not fine. I am not sad. I am not happy.

I am just letting time do its job and my job is to make things easier for me. To make things better for me. And who ever comes in my life in the next days to come. It will be so much better than before.

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ticklishbeans4 · 2 years

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hi! how are you?, have you ever been interested in writing about Adrian Graye (the leader of the coven of illusions) with the idea that he is good and became Gus's teacher or something like that

🐰

Well since you two asked so nicely, and cause this is such a cute idea I HAD to write it! Enjoy!

Illusions of Another Time

“Now, just hold still.” Adrian spoke, a reassuring smile on his face as he placed his hand on Edric’s wrist. Gus watches with bated breath, as did the rest of the student body. But when he pulled his hand back he gestured for Edric to turn to the crowd. “Now! As you can all see, it looks real! But, Edric was it? Show us some beast keeping magic.” Edric looked worriedly out to his sister, but drew a small circle in the air, summoning a butterfly. The tension that left the room was palpable. Everyone was suddenly lining up to get their “sigils” and chattering excitedly about how cool it was that they were gonna pull one over on the emperor’s coven!

When Gus’s turn came up he fiddled nervously with his tunic. He was excited to be part of this whole big ruse, but… He was meeting the head of the illusions coven! The coven he was so desperate to join! This was kind of a big deal!

When he approached, Adrian grinned wide and knelt down in front of him, tail swishing, almost like a puppy. “Ah! You must be Agustus! Principal Bump told me about you! Quite the little prodigy, from what he said. I have to say, for someone so young to be in such advanced classes, it’s a marvel! Why, even I wasn’t that good at your age! Who knows, maybe you’ll replace me one day!”

Gus giggled and held out his arm, “I don’t know about all of that, but I do want to join the illusions coven one day! I like having some extra showmanship in my life.” “You and me both little ringmaster!” he laughed, putting the fake sigil over Gus’s wrist. “If you don’t mind, once the scouts have passed, would you mind showing me just what you can do?” This must be a dream… “I-I’d love to! It would be an honor even!” he grinned, bouncing on his heels excitedly. Adrian chuckled, his tail coming up and playfully tickling Gus’s nose, making the boy giggle and cringe away cutely. “The honor is all mine! Now, run along to your friends, I’ll meet with you soon.” Gus nodded and ran off, “WILLOW! WILLOW! OH MY TITAN!” ~timeskip~ “And so you just draw your spell circle with the mirror and…”

Before them appeared a field of multi-colored flowers and plants. Adrian looked down and inspected the flowers. “Amazing work! So detailed!” Gus tried to grin, always happy to get such high praise from his new mentor, but it was hard keeping up an illusion like this. There were so many tiny details to focus on. The older witch chuckled and ruffled Gus’s hair, “Let’s take a break, alright?” Gus quickly dispelled the field and flopped over with a sigh of relief. “Yes please.” Adrian laughed and sat next to him, “Tired already little ringmaster?”

Gus just put an arm over his eyes, blowing a tired raspberry. They’d been at this for most of the day, though this was the first time he got to use the amplifier. It was a heck of a rush really. The magic was stronger than anything he’d felt before. He’d definitely want one of his own someday!

A poke to his belly made him jump out of his thoughts with a squeal. Adrian backed up a bit, blinking in shock. “I was just going to ask if you were listening. But I’d rather ask if you’re ok. That was quite a reaction.” Gus’s face went dark with a warm blush, “I-I’m fine! You just startled me, that's all!”

“Is that so…” the head witch smirked, gently poking him again. Gus squealed again, curling up a bit and hugging himself.

“Did that surprise you too? Or are you going to be honest now?” he teased, “I am the head of the illusions coven, if I couldn’t see through a lie then well… I wouldn’t be very good at my job, would I?”

Gus pouted but it was pretty pointless to argue with him at this point. “W-well… I mean… I might be… just a bit… kinda… ticklish?” “Now was that so hard?” he chuckled, ruffling Gus’s hair, “There’s no shame in it! Plenty of people are ticklish! I mean, if I had a snail for every time I saw and heard that Golden Guard boy getting destroyed by Darius, well, my pay as a coven head wouldn’t be able to compare.” Gus laughed a bit, and was definitely remembering that bit of information. After all, Hunter was living with Darius now, and Gus had been wanting to visit again.

“In fact.” the coven head continued, “I am even of the firm belief that everyone has a tickle spot somewhere, I’d even be willing to bet Belos has a few.” Gus snorted,m “No way! He’s way too grumpy!” “The grumpier they are, the harder they giggle.” Adrian replied dramatically, wiggling his fingers at Gus for emphasis, making the boy squeak and giggle. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’d quite like to find your tickle spot!” Gus gasped as Adrian’s wiggly fingers hit his belly, quickly falling into a stream of bubbly, silly, giggles. “W-wahahait! I’m tihihicklish! Ahahah!”

“Well that I could guess.” he drawled, moving to scratch at his ribs, “But your belly isn’t what I’m looking for…”

He squealed and wiggled, batting weakly at Adrians hands, “Stahahahap! It tihihihickles!”

Adrian only chuckled and dug into his underarms, “That’s what it’s supposed to do little ringmaster!”

Gus’s laughter only rose in pitch, it was clearly a bad spot, but noT quite his tickle spot. “EEHEHEHHEHEHE! NOT THEHEHERE!”

“Oh? Not there? Maybe… here then!” Gus shrieked when he felt the fluffy soft tuft of fur on his neck and swiping along his ears. “T-TAHAHAHAHAHILS ARE CHEHEHEHEHEATING!” he squealed, kicking and scrunching up his neck to deter the tickly tool.

Adrian only went faster, his fluffy tail turning the poor kid into a giggly puddle.

“AHAHHAHAHAAHAH! A-AHAHAHADRIAN! S-STAHAHAHAHHAP! PLEEHEHEHEHEASE!” he cackled, pushing at the covenheads tail.

He sighed playfully and rolled his eyes, letting the boy go after a final wiggle behind an ear to make the boy squeal. “Alright, alright. I can be nice. And we still have some training to do before you head off home.” Gus was all but limp, half flopped on Adrians leg, “Just…. Juhuhust a sec…” “Of course, take your time. Just be warned, this isn’t going to be the last time this happens.” Adrian smirked, tickling the kids nose with his tail. Gus giggled and batted at his tail, “Okahahy! Ok! I get it! But I’m pretty formidable myself! You’d better watch your back!”

“I’m shaking in my boots.” he drawled, tasering two fingers into Gus's belly, making him shriek and curl up. “But really, you’re still so young Gus. And with all that’s about to happen… you should savor the moments when you can act your age.”

Gus looked up at Adrian and smiled, hugging around his middle. “I’ll try.” Adrian looked a bit shocked, but hugged him back with a smile. Till he felt tiny hands digging into his sides and he shrieked. “Told you to watch your back!”

#bean answers #gus potter #adrian graye #toh tickle #tickles #tickle fic #good guy adrian au #lee!Gus #Ler!Adrian

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mbti-notes · 3 years

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INFJ. Processing past Fe failures. Want to get better at socializing / having deeper relationships/friendships. Muddling through Ti development - desiring to get better at self-awareness + communication. A lot in my brain and it'd be a lot to share the entirety of recent exchanges that have ended up in failed relationships, so I'll try asking this and hope it's enough to get critical thinking help from you, thank you much in advance. (1/2)

[con't: I notice a pattern of me trying to communicate and express myself to be understand by, or be emotionally met by Fi users, and them responding by saying things like "I don't know what you want from me", "I don't know how to help you," "I'm sorry you feel that way" or them even saying variations of "Maybe you're not used to my communication style" (ENTJ) if I express that I feel dismissed, uncomfortable, or disrespected.

This isn't ALL Fi users thank God & I'm in therapy now to address my downplaying of my emotional needs, being willing to work through anything even though the romantic relationships I'm attracting are woefully incompatible or unhealthy. But I want to get better at doing my part to increase the chance of relationships building. What am I doing/expecting/judging in my communication with Fi users so they respond that way or has me feeling being unseen/misunderstood? Is it the basic INFJ recs?]

You point to Fi specifically. Fi doesn't require outside validation, so perhaps what you're encountering is their lack of concept of outside validation, in the manner that you're seeking it with Fe.

All of those example statements sound like they could be taken sincerely. "I don't know what you want from me" could be an opportunity for you to better explain what you need/want. "I don't know how to help you" could be an opportunity for you to provide better instructions. "I'm sorry you feel that way" could be a helpless admission that the two of you don't see things the same way. "Maybe you're not used to my communication style" could be an indication that there is a need to investigate the big gap between what was perceived and what was actually intended.

Not everyone is going to see eye-to-eye with you, not everyone is going to agree with your version of events, not everyone is going to care about your needs and feelings enough to address them kindly and patiently. This should all be okay with you unless you were walking around expecting everyone out there to have the capacity to meet you emotionally or validate your emotions (unhealthy Fe)? That's simply not gonna happen, so it's an unreasonable expectation. That's why it's so important that YOU be the first to take care of yourself and own your emotions, set proper personal boundaries, and navigate interpersonal boundaries more gracefully.

If you feel someone has violated your boundary (i.e. you feel hurt by them), the answer isn't to violate theirs in return. You're trying to fix a problem in the relationship, so further damaging the relationship isn't going to help. Whether you are right to feel hurt is not the main issue. Feelings themselves are always true and tell you something true about you. However, what you DO about the feelings isn't always right. There are two main ways people deal with negative feelings: 1) bottle them up, which amounts to self-harm, or 2) express them, which opens up the possibility of doing harm to others, if they don't have the means to process your feelings. Neither way is ideal.

If your main approach is to expect people to change (when they can't or don't want to), expect them to give you more than they are capable of giving (due to not having the means or resources), expect them to understand something that they are not really capable of understanding (when they just don't think in the same way as you), etc, your expectations are easily perceived as "demands". You're essentially pressuring people to be what you want them to be, which amounts to dishonoring them and violating their boundary. This approach is usually met with submission or resistance. If they submit to you (because they care for you), they will be unhappy for having allowed you to violate their boundary, and the problem will recur because it was only swept under the rug. If they resist you, conflict ensues, and the relationship bond will be tested and possibly threatened, especially if the conflict recurs without resolution.

There is a way to honor your feelings while also honoring others' feelings. It requires you to have good emotional intelligence and be a good communicator. Good emotional intelligence means respecting your feelings and taking full responsibility for them. Instead of seeing yourself as the victim (i.e. "you made me feel this way"), you see yourself as an agent with the power to decide what is best (i.e. "I feel this way and this is what I should do about it"). Positioning yourself as a passive or helpless victim means that you cast blame and eventually demand reparations. Positioning yourself as an active and influential agent means that you survey the situation objectively and then try to act in the best interests of everyone involved. This is what healthy and confident Fe should look like.

For example, when you feel dismissed, maybe you bottle it up for awhile, until you can't take it anymore (because the problem remains unaddressed). Then you confront people and say, "I feel dismissed". This implies that the other person has done something bad to you. You are the victim, which puts them on the spot, feeling like the bad guy, and then they can't hear you, due to becoming too preoccupied with not wanting to be the bad guy. Communication is likely to stall there, unless they have the wherewithal (emotional intelligence) to keep their focus on you and your concerns.

Instead, you could say to yourself, "I feel dismissed". You take full responsibility for your feelings and validate them for yourself. When you are good at validating your own feelings and emotions (something you admit you really struggle with), you'll eventually find that you won't need to rely on others to do it for you.

What does it mean to feel dismissed? It means that you believe you're not being taken seriously, or something to that effect. Not very difficult to understand. What to do about it? The feeling of disharmony is a message to you that you have to do more to advocate for yourself and make space for yourself within the relationship/group (it is good Fe advice). There are many ways to advocate for yourself without stepping on others. If you choose the right way, in terms of honoring everyone involved, the feeling of being dismissed will dissipate naturally. If you choose the wrong way, in terms of honoring yourself but dishonoring others, you'll encounter the problem again, because you haven't addressed the underlying problem of you positioning yourself as the victim in every relationship conflict. Chronic victim mentality is often an indication that you depend too much on outside validation of your self-worth.

Unless you are stuck in a very toxic social environment, the majority of people are not malicious for no reason. Before accusing or blaming, are you absolutely certain that they INTENDED to dismiss you? If not, wouldn't it be wise to gather more info? For instance, you could ask something like, "Have you had the time to give my idea serious consideration?" No blaming, no battling, no victim-victimizer dynamic. Do you understand how communicating without blame, through genuine inquiry, avoids trapping the both of you in a vicious cycle of seeking emotional reparations? You give people the benefit of the doubt. You give people the chance to clarify or explain. You give yourself the chance to grasp the FULL picture so that you can make a more informed decision about what to do (based on their response to your question). But this presence of mind isn't possible when you can't accept your feelings/emotions and they run wild as a result.

One common misapplication of Ti is the tendency to jump to illogical conclusions or make up illogical stories about what is motivating people's negative behavior, all the while believing that you're being completely logical. It's a destructive way to deal with negative or disharmonious feelings. Once the false narrative infects your mind, you can't help but perceive the person as attacking you, even when they're not. This misuse of Ti is a major impediment to relationship building.

The problem with victim mentality is that you are hyperfocused on your perspective only, so you only have half the picture, which means making ill-informed decisions. If you are prone to Ti loop, you need to get to the bottom of why you're so quick to position yourself in the passive position of victim. A healthy relationship should be an equal partnership based on trust, which means that you should always try to 1) give people the benefit of the doubt, and 2) gather the facts of the situation before drawing a conclusion about what they intended or what kind of character they are.

If the fact of the matter is that the person really doesn't care about your feelings, then you know not to seek validation from them, and perhaps distance from them for your own good. Don't play around in toxic or abusive relationships. If the fact of the matter is that your perception of the situation doesn't match up with what they intended to say/do, then it's up to you to straighten out the situation in your mind before proceeding.

Trust your feelings, validate your feelings, but don't act blindly on them (i.e. without fully grasping what's happening with the other person). Figure out why exactly you're feeling what you're feeling, then take it up with the person in a way that addresses the root of the problem and in a way that doesn't immediately put them on the defensive. Conflict is sometimes unavoidable, but being more skilled at communicating your concerns will certainly reduce the amount of pain required to reach a resolution.

#infj #infj relationships #emotional intelligence #auxiliary fe #ti loop #communication #self worth #victim mentality #boundaries #relationships #conflict #ask

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ladyartemesia · 4 years

Text

The Praetor

◐ PART VI of THE ALPHA ◐

◐ Series Masterlist ◐

◐ Part I ◐ Part II ◐ Part III ◐ Part IV ◐ Part V ◐

Pairing: Alpha Werewolf Jimin x Omega Reader

Rating: Hard Mature 18+ (for this installment)

Warnings: sexual content including grinding and marking, some light (and totally consensual) manhandling, ABO sexual dynamics including discussion of scenting, marking, mating, and claiming. Violence and discussion of violence relating to ritual combat, possessive behavior, injuries and discussion of injuries

Special Note: Yoonji and Yunli are NOT the same person. Yoonji is Yoongi and Yunli’s cousin. She is sometimes affectionately called “Ji-ah.”

Word Count: 5500 (wow)

Author’s Note: Life has been really hard. I won’t beat around the bush. It was hard to do anything... but your kind words and support really kept me going. Truly you guys straight up manifested this chapter with your incredible support. As always, my angels @ppersonna @xjoonchildx @untaemedqueen and @underthejoon were the best betas and the best friends anyone could ask for. My thanks to ALL of you for helping me bring this story to life!

“Alpha.”

Namjoon’s voice echoed through the clearing with profound resonance.

There would be no more fighting.

There would be no more doubt.

It was a complete surrender, the kind only a true Alpha could compel.

A frantic whimper suddenly split the air, drawing every eye to you-

But you saw only him.

“Untie me,” you pleaded, struggling impatiently against the restraints.

One of the elders moved to release you, but before she could, Jin produced a knife and cut you free with the kind of terrifying precision expected of a man who was every bit as deadly as he was beautiful.

Then you were running - and this time, no one could stop you.

Your body crashed into his and fiery joy shot through you as he pulled you into his arms.

His scent wrapped around your senses like a warm blanket, covering the fear and pain of the past days in unimaginable relief.

“Jimin.”

“I’m here. I have you,” he whispered.

Your entire frame seemed to shake as you sobbed against his chest. It was as if you could not draw close enough - could not hold tight enough - to be satisfied. Part of you was still terrified that you would wake up and discover that all of this had been a dream...

Then you heard it.

Another set of knees hitting the ground.

“Alpha.”

Then another-

“Alpha.“

And another

“Alpha.”

Till the air was filled with hundreds of voices, all speaking the same word.

“Alpha.”

Namjoon remembered very little of what happened after his surrender...

Just pain.

His limbs seemed oddly disconnected from the rest of his body. There was blood everywhere (and he was reasonably sure it was his).

He knew he should feel defeated, broken - ashamed even.

Instead he felt strangely...

Light.

As if a great weight had lifted from his shoulders.

The last thing he saw before losing consciousness entirely was Yunli’s tear-stained gaze - still fixed on him - even as the others turned to face their new Alpha.

He breathed out her name in a quiet, desperate plea as the darkness overtook him.

Jimin was only in your arms a few moments before healers and half the elder’s council came rushing forward on all sides.

You snarled instinctively at the first elder who tried to collect him, but a healer eventually got close enough to reason with you after pointing out that the wound on his shoulder could possibly become infected if left untreated for much longer.

An Alpha’s injuries always took the highest priority, but Jimin directed them all toward Namjoon, brushing away anyone who attempted to tend to him.

By that point Jin and your mother had found their way to your side and were gently trying to pull you back - even as more elders reached for your mate.

Everyone was speaking at once - words about preparations and plans and ceremonies - but none of it registered over the waves of frantic adrenaline still pounding through your system.

You didn’t know what they wanted or why they were so close-

just that they were trying to take him away again.

No.

Suddenly a senior elder placed his hand on Jimin’s forearm and your wolf snapped entirely.

Omegas were known for their speed and as a Luna, yours was unparalleled.

Two council members and a healer went flying into the dirt within the space of a single second as your body instinctively assumed a defensive stance. The remaining elders stumbled back in alarm and your mother fainted dead away forcing Jin to catch her rather inelegantly.

Your canines began to lengthen as you pressed your back to the Alpha, letting primal rage guide your movements.

They had tied you up.

Forced you to watch as he was attacked again and again and again-

An omega would defend their mate to the death and you had spent days knowing he was in danger...

Feeling powerless, feeling paralyzed-

Your wolf had simply had enough.

“Luna please-�� the chief elder began cautiously, but you cut him off with warning growl and lunged - fully prepared to end the next person who attempted to separate you from-

Strong arms closed around you, pulling you back to the comforting warmth that enveloped you moments ago.

Jimin.

“Luna,” he whispered against your skin and you shivered, letting your eyes flutter shut.

Then you felt it.

The gentle pressure of the Alpha - your mate - nosing softly at your neck.

It was a gesture of soothing affection.

Of gratitude.

Slowly he turned you in his arms till you were facing him once again. The fire in your blood began to fade as you simply took him in, struck by the sensual beauty of his face and the possessive heat in his gaze.

“So fierce,” he hummed, tilting his head so you could bury yourself in his scent once more. His hands brushed soothing circles over your back, leaving delicious sparks of pleasure in their wake.

“I’m safe,” he promised as you nuzzled into him needily. “You can rest now...”

The pleasant pull of his command wove heavily through your senses. You felt your feet leave the ground as he lifted you fully into his arms...

Then you slipped into a blissful sleep.

The healers worked for hours on Namjoon.

Some betas were blessed with minor healing abilities - a valuable gift stemming from a type of energy transference. He could feel the heat of their hands as they poured themselves - literally - into mending his battered body.

His ribs were set and wrapped tightly and the swelling and bruising were already beginning to fade due to the assortment of vile tasting herbal concoctions they insisted on ramming down his throat.

Accelerated healing and potent herbal intervention truly went a long way, but it would take time and rest to restore him fully.

Despite his lingering soreness, Namjoon was finally lucid enough to think for the first time since the fight and there was certainly a wealth of things to think about…

Yet his mind kept going back to that moment-

To her.

“Kim Namjoon.”

Every hair on his body raised to attention.

“Alpha-”

He struggled to pull himself upright, but Jimin placed a hand on his arm to still him.

“Please,” he spoke softly, “let me sit. I’ve caused you enough trouble for one day.”

A painful chuckle stuttered out of Namjoon and he shook his head.

“Shouldn’t I be the one saying that? We both know this is entirely my fault.”

Jimin’s eyes dropped in reluctant amusement..

“You think rather highly of yourself,” he said with a barely perceptible grin, echoing his words in the chief elder’s chambers a day - a lifetime - ago. “I believe I had something to do with it as well.”

Namjoon laughed and winced immediately. He rubbed gingerly over the binding on his ribs before voicing the question that had plagued him from the moment he awoke.

“How quickly?”

The Alpha tilted his head in confusion. “I’m not sure I understand.”

“How quickly,” Namjoon grunted, pulling himself to an upright position, “could you have killed me?”

There was a strange sort of acceptance in his eyes, a profound and untainted respect that Jimin was wholly unused to receiving from a man like him.

It was equal parts humbling and overwhelming.

“The first hit... a little to the left - at full force - would have fractured your sternum and penetrated your heart. You’d have been dead in a matter of minutes.”

Namjoon was silent for a long time.

“Why did you spare me? ...I challenged you, threatened you, intended to lay claim to your mate which-” he rubbed idly at the back of his neck, “I’m beginning to understand is enough to enrage any man… So why am I still here?”

“Because,” Jimin sighed, “apparently I think very highly of you too, Kim Namjoon.”

“Well… I’m flattered, but I - I still don’t understand… I’ve done nothing but underestimate you. Most wolves would have made an example of me.”

“Oh I intend to make an example of you,” Jimin smiled and Namjoon felt his blood run cold for the briefest instant, “but not in the way you’re thinking.”

The Alpha’s eyes took on a strangely solemn light. “I have no intention of ruling through fear and violence.”

After a moment, his gaze met Namjoon’s again.

“You were right… Without your challenge, the pack would never have trusted my leadership. You were the obvious choice to be Alpha and without defeating you decisively, they would always look to you as an alternative.”

Namjoon eyed his collection of injuries sardonically.

“Something tells me you won’t have that issue now.”

“And I have you to thank for that.”

“So … you spared my life in gratitude?”

“I spared your life because it was well worth sparing. You have always led your clan with honor and dignity. You don’t strike me as someone who enjoys killing, yet you were willing to do so for the good of our people. Such a man is a far better example alive than he is dead.”

Namjoon could not help but be impressed by the younger alpha’s insight and perception.

Our goddess has chosen well.

“I am grateful for your mercy, Alpha... Though I’m sure there are some who believe I should have chosen death over the disgrace of defeat.”

Jimin’s jaw clenched. .

“Defeat is not a disgrace. I have learned some of my greatest lessons from it. Defeat is often a vital stop on the path to victory.”

The elder alpha grinned.

“I wouldn’t know. This is the first time I’ve lost.”

Jimin laughed and Namjoon’s impish smile suddenly became oddly serious.

“I want you to know… You have my loyalty - without question - and not simply because you spared me. It is clear that you were meant to lead.”

A subtle hint of awe crept into his tone as he continued.

“Honestly… I’ve only ever heard stories of primal alphas. I never thought I’d meet one,” he snorted, “or be foolish enough to fight him.“

Jimin drew back in confusion.

“I’m not familiar- ...I’ve never heard of a primal alpha.”

“Really?... Well ...I suppose that makes sense. I forgot how often you skipped camp.” He sighed and shifted into a more comfortable position before answering.

“A primal alpha is goddess-blessed. They cannot be compelled. Their command is powerful enough to compel members of other packs and even non-wolves. It is a rare gift.”

Jimin’s face easily betrayed his shock.

“I-...That’s-” he shook his head. “Why do you believe I have such a gift?”

“I suppose the first hint should have been your coloring. Silver wolves are never born to mundane destinies... But the real proof is in your eyes.” Namjoon leaned back against the headboard, quietly reliving the moment he discovered the depth of Jimin’s ability. “When you commanded me to yield, your eyes flashed gold. It’s the true sign of a primal alpha... of a king.”

King.

The word fell heavily between them.

A human king was a politician, a figurehead whose power became more symbolic as the ages passed.

But to the wolf nations, a king - an Alpha - was the heart of their pack. A warrior who bore the burden of leadership alongside his Luna.

The power of a wolf king was quite real.

The Alpha shifted uncomfortably

“I never thought I would be a king.”

“And I never thought I wouldn’t be.” His eyes dropped to his hands. “I’m not quite sure what I am anymore.”

“Perhaps I can help with that.”

Namjoon’s gaze met his with cautious curiosity.

“Oh?”

“You said yourself I skipped Alpha camp every year. I may have been destined to lead, but I won’t pretend that I’m completely prepared for it.”

All at once Namjoon realized why Jimin was there.

The transfer of power was a long and intricate process that should remain essentially uninterrupted until its completion.

There could only be one reason the Alpha had come to his bedside.

He was here to appoint his Praetor.

A Praetor wielded nearly as much authority as the Alpha. In terms of pack hierarchy, only the Alpha outranked him (or her). The commitment required was immense. Their role encompassed everything from ‘chief advisor’ to ‘the last line of defense.’

Praetor were expected to cut all obligations to their own clan and serve only the Alpha. They were an extension of his authority and vision. It was a lifetime appointment which could be extremely dangerous (depending on the number of territorial disputes one’s pack might be involved in).

If anything were to happen to the Alpha, a Praetor would assume the responsibility of protecting the Luna and ruling by her side (without any romantic obligations as Praetor often had their own mates) until their death.

“What about Taehyung?”

Jimin shrugged.

“What about him? I assure you, he has no interest in this at all.” A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips. “Besides, he serves me well as a best friend... A Praetor must be willing to disagree with me from time to time without worrying too much about my feelings. They must be in tune with the needs of the pack. Kim Taehyung is a good man… but he isn’t the right one. Not for this.”

The elder alpha considered his next words carefully.

“What you’re asking is no small request.”

“True,” Jimin nodded, “but how about this…” he grinned mischievously, “I promise to put in a good word for you with Min Yoongi when he finds out what you’ve done to his little sister.”

“I haven’t done anything to his little sister.”

“Yet.”

Namjoon cleared his throat guiltily.

“You realize this means we’ll have to talk every single day.”

“It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make for the good of the pack.”

Namjoon laughed and Jimin smiled back, more sure than ever that he was making the right choice.

After a moment the Alpha held out his hand in an age old ceremonial gesture and finally voiced the question he had come to ask.

“Kim Namjoon, will you forsake your place in the clan of your blood to serve your Alpha and your pack as Praetor. Will you protect my blood as your own and fight by my side till the paths of our lives be complete?

Namjoon’s gaze locked with his as their palms met, letting the force of his resolve color each word.

“I swear it shall be so.”

It was well past noon when you stumbled from your bedroom to find Jin spread luxuriously over your kitchen island, popping berries into his mouth like a debauched satyr.

“I feel very odd…” you yawned, “almost like I-”

“Attacked half the elders council in a fit of horny rage?”

Your jaw dropped.

“I did no such thing!” A few choice memories began to flood back and your staunch defensive tirade stuttered in shock. “Wait...Did I-”

“You did.”

“I wouldn’t call it horny rage,” you muttered, massaging your temples as you struggled to process your own actions.

“I don’t know, the whole thing looked very horny to me.”

“Everything looks horny to you.”

Jin grinned but didn’t bother denying it.

“What do you remember?”

“I remember…” you pulled a water bottle from the fridge and took a long drink before answering,”...Jimin’s victory... People kept trying to take him away and then-”

Heat streaked across the back of your neck as you recalled the press of his lips on your skin.

“Oh...”

You shivered deliciously.

Jin sighed. “Yes, you were quite the spectacle. Who knows how many throats you would have ripped out if the Alpha had not intervened.”

“Oh goddess,” you moaned, burying your face in your hands. “He probably thinks I’m a lunatic.”

Jin rolled his eyes.

“I wonder if there is a celestial punishment for smacking the Luna upside the head.”

“Punishable by death - for sure,” you pouted, “and why would you even want to do that?”

“Because you’re an idiot. The man risked his life for you in ritual combat and then carried you home in his arms all the way from the sacred circle like a fairy tale princess.”

“He... he did?”

Your cousin nodded and tossed another berry in his mouth.

“The whole scene was so disgustingly romantic. I would have swooned if I wasn’t left to haul your mother back. Honestly I think I threw out my back.”

“And - and the pack?”

“They were free to swoon since they weren’t carrying your mother and most of them did. The man has become a bit of a legend already. Namjoon is one of the strongest alphas in the mountain kingdoms and Park Jimin dispatched him like it was nothing.” He paused to dab berry juice off his absurdly full lips. “I’d be surprised if every pack for a hundred miles hasn’t heard about it by now.”

“How is Namjoon?”

“Alive. He will make a full recovery.”

You sighed in relief. Truly, you had no desire to mate with the Kim alpha, but (despite the grumbling of your bloodthirsty wolf) you never wanted him dead.

Not to mention the loss of Namjoon would have cast a heavy shade over Jimin’s leadership. He was wise to spare him.

“Where is he? I want to see him.”

“Namjoon is with the healers-”

“Kim Seokjin,” you bopped him with your now empty water bottle. “I am obviously not talking about Namjoon. Where is my mate?!”

“Calm down, cousin. You’re getting that throat-rippy gleam in your eye again and I’m far too beautiful to go out like that.”

He reached for another berry.

“I need to see him.”

You were already marching toward the door when Jin yanked you back. It was always a surprise to see how fast he could move when he wanted to.

“My dear sweet Luna, you have one murderous rampage and forget all about our tedious traditions. The elders will be drowning him in the preparations and expectations of leadership for at least another ten hours.”

None of Jin’s sensible reminders mattered the least bit to your wolf. She was already suggesting all sorts of reasons you should just march into the council chambers and take him.

Park Jimin was yours.

You’ve waited long enough.

Your hand tightened on the doorknob.

“He left something for you.”

Kim Seokjin really was a wickedly clever man. He knew exactly which cards to play and exactly when to play them.

Your heart stuttered wildly in your chest as Jin nodded toward a small box on the table.

“He sent Taehyung to drop it off not long after the elders dragged him away from your bedside.”

If you had even an ounce of dignity left, you might have been embarrassed by how quickly you scrambled over to the gift, but you were well past caring about such things when it came to him.

Your cousin shook his head as you eagerly tore into the wrapping, impatient to discover what he could have possibly-

You gasped.

There, laying nestled in an ornate wooden box with a lavish blue satin interior, was the most beautiful pair of gloves you had ever seen…

Your fingers reached out to brush the soft white leather, custom stitched with intricately embroidered vines that wound around a beautiful silver wolf.

“They’re exquisite.”

Jim’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“They’re not just exquisite, they’re one of a kind.” His fingers traced over the emblem on the box. “This is the mark of the Bangtan Leatherworkers Guild. Every one of their pieces is unique.”

Your head tilted curiously as Jin began to lift back the satin lining.

“What are you doing?”

“You can only buy their merchandise directly from the shop in Seoul. There’s no way he could have gotten these today.”

“R...Really?”

Jin nodded.

“I’m about to find out for sure. Each piece produced by the guild comes with a certification. It includes the date of manufacture and the date of sale.”

After a moment he withdrew a small card embossed with gold writing.

“Well... what does it say?” you pressed impatiently.

An odd little smile drifted across Jin’s lips as he considered the information in his hands.

“These gloves were sold to Park Jimin three years ago... a few days before your 17th birthday.”

Min Yunli slept for most of the day after Taehyung brought her home.

The Alpha ordered his second to secure her and see to her safety not long after lifting the Luna into his arms.

In the end, Tae had to compel her again.

She fought to stay near Namjoon, but he needed medical attention and there was no real reason to allow her any access to the fallen alpha.

She had no claim on him.

She was nothing to him.

Nothing at all.

When she finally opened her eyes the sun was already dipping low on the horizon and the world around her was dim.

Aching emptiness sat heavily in her chest. The Change was another six days away which meant the connection between her consciousness and her wolf was not fully solidified… but she could still feel acidic pain of rejection festering in both halves of her heart.

Tears fell silently down her cheek as she considered her actions and what the consequences might be.

Namjoon probably hated her now. She had ruined everything for him.

An angry growl rumbled up from her stomach.

Yunli snorted humorously and shrugged off her dirty clothes, throwing on an oversized t-shirt before trudging out to the refrigerator.

Of all the problems she was facing, hunger was the easiest to fix.

“Do you normally walk around without pants?”

She just barely bit back a scream.

There - sitting on her couch (and looking significantly better than he had the last time she’d seen him) - was Kim Namjoon.

“How did you get in here?!” Yunli squeaked.

Namjoon held up a key.

“Yoongi gave it to me years ago.”

Though I doubt he intended for me to use it like this.

Her fists clenched and unclenched reflexively at her side.

“Have you… come to yell at me?” she whispered.

Namjoon didn’t respond right away, he was too distracted by the shapely curve of her legs and the soft glow of her skin under the warmth of the living room lamps.

Yunli, however, took his silence as confirmation of her worst fears.

“I’m so sorry...” she trembled, her beautiful eyes glistening poetically with unshed tears. “I don’t - I don’t know what came over me - I know I cost you the fight and I-”

Namjoon felt a chuckle bubble up in chest and winced.

“Yunli...your screams, however affecting, could not undo the will of the goddess.” He shook his head, “Park Jimin was born to be the Alpha.” His fingers rubbed idly at his chest. “I’ve never come across anything like his power.”

Her eyes traced over the damage to his body with obvious remorse.

“Are you ok?” she asked finally.

He had four cracked ribs, several critical lacerations, a concussion, two sprained elbows, countless contusions, and a split lip.

“Ah, it’s nothing,” he shrugged, barely suppressing a groan.

Yunli grinned, helplessly endeared as always. She opened her mouth to ask again why he was here, but he cut her off with a surprisingly curt question.

“Has Taehyung seen you like this?”

Yunli blinked. Twice.

“T-Taehyung? Like Kim Taehyung - your cousin?”

“Second cousin,” he growled, “I was told he brought you home.”

“Well. Yes. He did… I’m really grateful to him actually. I don’t know what would have happened if he hadn’t caught me and calmed me down.”

A loud ringing was building in Namjoon’s ears.

“Do you have an understanding with him?” he snarled.

Yunli’s jaw dropped.

“An understanding? With Yoonji’s Taehyung?!” She snorted. “I don’t have a death wish.”

“What’s Yoonji got to do with this? Isn’t she in Europe?”

“Never mind that. Why would you think Tae and I-”

“Tae?!”

Yunli’s eyes narrowed.

“What’s going on in that busted up skull of yours, Kim Namjoon?”

Namjoon was off the couch and pressing her against the wall faster than she would have thought possible in his condition.

“What’s going on is that for the past year you’ve been a real problem for me, Min Yunli.”

Yunli gasped as the muscled lines of his body weighed firmly into her own. Deep curls of pleasure flared up at every contact point.

Yes. Oh goddess, yes.

The force of his desire burned hot in the air between them. She had waited years for him to see her like this - to touch her like this...

“I wasn’t supposed to feel anything when you looked at me with your heart in those pretty brown eyes,” he murmured, brushing the tips of his fingers up over her arms till he was cupping her chin.

Yunli’s wolf keened in delight as she melted helplessly into his embrace.

It felt good. It felt so so good.

“I was convinced you were a challenge - a divine temptation put in my path to test my resolve-” his jaw clenched, “or simply an endless source of torment because you wanted me so badly and I could never have you.”

The sound of ripping fabric split the air as Namjoon clawed through the neckline of her t-shirt, baring her pert little breasts to him like an obscene feast.

“I was supposed to want the Luna,” he growled, squeezing the soft mounds roughly in his palms till she was whining and writhing against him, “-not Min Yoongi’s sweet little sister.”

Her gaze was so open - so trusting. Adoration shone through every inch of her regard and it was intoxicating.

She was intoxicating.

His hand slid down to grip her thighs, lifting her body till she was forced to wrap her legs around him for balance.

“Namjoon,” she whimpered as the sensitive folds of her core ground into his growing hardness.

“You just kept pushing and pushing-” he hissed, punctuating each word with delicious thrusts till the maddening pressure in her center was nearly unbearable. “Then last night you offered me a taste and it nearly destroyed me.”

His mouth finally descended on hers again and she opened to him eagerly, wrapping her arms around his neck with wanton desperation. A tortured groan slipped past his lips as he dragged her away from the wall and onto the sofa where she first discovered him.

“Is this what you wanted, Min Yunli?” he rasped between the fervent mating of their mouths. “To make me desperate? To take me apart until I’m half-mad with wanting you?”

“Yes,” she sobbed as he sucked mark after mark into her flesh, painting her body with the evidence of his passion.

She slipped her hands greedily under his shirt, aching to feel more of his skin against her own. Needy whines and moans fell from her mouth like a siren’s call, beckoning Namjoon to lose himself in the lush warmth of her body.

“If Kim Taehyung puts his greasy hands on you again, I’ll kill him.”

Yunli mewled in primal gratification at his bold words. She had waited far too long to hear them.

“All those months I suffered because my wolf recognized what I was too ignorant to see.”

The last shreds of her shirt flew across the room and Namjoon pinned her wrists above her head like a pagan offering, allowing his free hand to explore her curves with impassioned reverence.

“You are mine, Yunli,” he swore.

And she was.

She always had been.

Following Jimin’s victory, the pack exploded into a chaotic storm of gossip and ceremonial preparations. The story of his unlikely path to power had already spread beyond the borders of the mountain kingdoms.

“-messages are coming in from the high packs of Delhi and Beijing requesting to meet with him-“

The rise of new pack leaders typically brought with it a buzz of excitement, but the Luna and her newly victorious Alpha were anything but typical.

“-he’s a silver wolf. I always knew he was meant for more than just heading up the Park clan-“

The last Alpha king (the current Luna’s great-grandfather) died peacefully in his sleep nearly thirty years ago and the elder’s council ruled in the interim while they waited for a new Alpha to rise. This was the first (and likely the only) coronation most people would see in their lifetime.

“ - my friend from Seoul is begging me to invite her. Outsiders aren’t allowed to attend unless they’re the guest of a pack member- “

Preparations to transfer power were every bit as tedious and time consuming as the rest of pack law.

“-the council just announced that he’s chosen a Praetor. I’m sure it will be Taehyung-“

Aside from sneaking out to secure his Praetor (who was not Taehyung), the new Alpha had been holed up with the council, the heads of the ten major clans, and an army of envoys from other packs for nearly twelve hours.

“ -grandfather worked with him all day. He claims that the future king has already impressed the council-”

Park Jimin’s name echoed through the mountain kingdoms. People could speak of nothing else.

But there was one member of the pack who had not yet heard the news...

Yoongi took a deep breath as he waited for the woman on the other end of the line to accept his call. He was mentally and physically exhausted, but he had promised to tell her what happened as soon as he could.

Silence lingered eerily in the first few moments after she picked up.

“I really debated answering this,” Min Yoonji whispered at last. “I don’t know if I can bear to hear you say that Park Jimin is dead.”

She sighed heavily as she ambled down the stairs of her tiny apartment in Paris.

There were too many happy memories connected with him. He was Tae’s best friend... His loss would tear her former lover apart.

And she could not be there for him when it did.

She could never be there for him...

Several thousand miles away her cousin smiled.

“Park Jimin is not dead, Ji-ah.”

Yoonji missed the last step and crashed down inelegantly on her tail bone.

“WHAT?!” Her fingers scrambled to hold the phone secure in her precarious position. “You mean to tell me that Kim Namjoon lost - to PARK JIMIN?!”

“You sure picked a wild time to move to Europe,” Yoongi chuckled.

“I didn’t really move here per se... I just relocated temporarily but indefinitely.”

“Yes, I’m well aware. Your mother is still howling about what a disgrace it was to go through the Change away from your friends and family. So thank you for that.”

Yoonji sighed.

“What’s done is done... I know you don’t understand, but I promise to explain someday.” Her eyes drifted shut as she forced the pain in her heart aside. “... I can’t believe I missed all this. You have to tell me how he did it.”

“I will later, but I need to head back to the council chambers. We had a brief recess and I figured I’d call since it’s still early over there. However… I do have one last shocking revelation for you before I go.”

Yoonji rolled her eyes at her cousin’s dramatics.

“I’m not sure anything could shock me after finding out that Park Jimin is our new Alpha.”

“Jimin just made Namjoon his Praetor.”

Apparently I was wrong.

“WHAT!? So wait - that means Jinwook is now head of the Kim Clan?”

Yoongi’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Jinwook? No, how could - ah never mind. You were already in Europe when he left.”

“Jinwook left?!”

“Yeah, he was finishing up a consultation in Bangkok when he met his mate in one of the packs up there. It's an older pack with almost no alphas so they asked him to stay. He’s lived in Thailand since August.” Yoongi yawned. “Believe it or not Kim Taehyung was just sworn in as the Kim Clan alpha.”

Dead silence met his declaration. For a moment he wondered if the call had been disconnected but then-

“...What... did you just say?”

Yoonji’s voice had taken on a strange hollow quality that had her cousin frowning into the receiver.

“I said Taehyung was just sworn in as a Clan alpha.”

“That... no that can’t be right... You’re saying Kim Taehyung - my Taehyung-”

“What do you mean your Taehyung?!”

“- is a Clan alpha?”

“Yoonji. I can’t believe I’m repeating this a third time. Yes. Tae is the new head of the Kim Clan. I watched him take the oath twenty minutes ago and I have to say-”

A heart wrenching sob cut him off abruptly.

“Oh goddess what have I done,” she gasped.

Yoongi’s eyes widened in fear and alarm.

“Ji-ah? What’s wrong?... Ji-ah?... Ji-ah?!”

But the line was dead.

Don’t Miss Chapter VII: The Luna… Coming Soon!

If you would like to be added to the taglist, please comment on this post. If you have already asked then you will be automatically tagged in all future updates.

Guys I cannot emphasize enough how much your support has meant to me these last few weeks.

Your comments and your love kept me going. I truly value it so much and it fuels my creativity. Please let me know what you thought? It is incredibly rewarding and motivating to hear from you!

I really struggled with this update. It was much longer and took a lot out of me... I hope you love the final product as much as I do…

Bonus: The gloves Jimin sent his Luna...

2K notes · View notes

theoreticslut · 3 years

Text

“Do you feel the same?” // d.m.

derek morgan x reader

requested: for @anxiousblanketqueen ’s bday writing challenge!

word count: 1.7k

warnings: slightly angsty, but overall just fluff & flirting

A/N: okay, first ever derek morgan fic & I’m not sure how I feel about it. I like it, but at the same time I feel like it’s just not as good as it could be, you know? in all fairness, i am still trying to get through the series so I don’t have a total grasp at his character yet, but I tried. let me know what you think? It’d be so deeply appreciated 💗 anyways, I have another fic for Jill’s writing challenge that I’m thinking I’ll put out either thursday or friday?! It’s a spicier one so that’s exciting. keep an eye out for it! Xx

taglist: tagging my general taglist once again - if you don’t read for criminal minds, just ignore this. Also, if you still havent filled out my new taglist form, please do! Xx

general taglist - @accioalix @captaincactusjuice @inglourious-imagines @keepawaythenargles @lemongrasshoney @onyourgoddamleft @valiantobservationkitty @concepcion @eternallyvenus @fandomwhoress @fleurho @fredweasleyzwh0re @harleigh110 @hufflepuffflowers @hufflrpuffforfred @i-miei-amori @littlemisswitt @sammy-the-gay @sightiff @starstruckgranger @teenwolfbitches2 @watermelonsugar2810 @harrypotterwifey @ioverslane99 @darthwheezely @callmelilone @teawiththeweasleys @softlyqoos @justmesadgirl @xuckduck @filipi-yes @aestheticwh0r3 @siredkai @matsuno-nadeshiko @msmarklee1213 @immajustreadwritereblog @msmimimerton @perfectlysane24 @mischievous-queen @bunnyboo7 @grandeoptimist @daddystevee @slytherinxhunter @streetfighterrichie @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @isthereanymorejello @karushinekomiya @p0gue420 @hogwartslut @sebby-staan @fredshmeasley

General CM - @anxiousblanketqueen @your-hispanichufflepuff @yikesyikesyikes95 @livvysnaps

It’s unusually quiet as everyone boards the jet. While the case had ended as good as one can, it had been a long and extremely tiring ordeal. You’re pretty sure that everyone is in agreement that you all need a day off to rest.

However, the best you can get at the moment is to try to get some peace on the flight back, and maybe if your lucky, get an hour or so of sleep.

Unfortunately, you are not one of the lucky ones.

“How’re you doing?” Derek asks as he settles himself into the seat across from you.

“Fine. Tired, but I think we all are.” You smile, drawing a chuckle from the man.

“You got that right, y/n.”

You nod lazily as you take in his appearance. He tries to hide it, but you can see how tired he is in his eyes and in how his shoulders sag.

“Enjoying the view, sweet girl?”

“Sure,” you scoff with a smile, eyes automatically rolling in their sockets.

Ever since you started at the BAU, you and Derek have had a flirtatious relationship with each other. It started with him throwing flirty comments your way to see you get all flustered and annoyed, but as soon as you started throwing them back, it’s become more of a game to see who could be more flirtatious. So far neither of you have yet to win.

“You know, you scoff and roll your eyes, but I think - no, I know - that you secretly do like me.” He smirks, loving as you shake your head and try to bite back a smile.

“Yeah right, Morgan. If that’s what helps you sleep at night.”

At that, he lets out a hearty laugh which you hate to admit sends butterflies to your stomach. In an attempt to hide just how much he gets to you still, you pull out a book and flip to the page you left off on.

~.~

It’s been nearly an hour and a half since you’ve started reading and Derek hasn’t been able to stop admiring you. He tries not to make it obvious, but he can only pull his attention from you for a few minutes at most.

In all honesty, he didn’t want to stop admiring you. If he could, he be more than happy to just watch you all day, every day.

You’ve only become more sleepy since boarding the plane and reading. Curling yourself up into a small ball, and yawning continuously for the last half hour, It’s impossible for Derek to not find you adorable.

“Derek, I can feel you looking at me.”

He can’t help but smirk as you don’t even look up from your book. You don’t even try and yet you’re stunning.

He’s adored you since the moment you first walked through the BAU doors four years ago. He didn’t realize then that the beautiful woman walking through the doors was going to be his teammate, but it’s been an enjoyable four years ever since.

While the nature of this job may be dark at times, he only needs to look at you to find light. Not only are you unbelievably attractive, kind, and empathetic, but your so brilliant and skilled at so many things - the job in particular. Out of all the reasons he could hate the job, he would always say how great it is as long as he got to work with you.

“Yeah? And?”

“Can you stop?” You question, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“I can, but I’m not sure I want to.”

“And why’s that?”

He smiles, a little chuckle leaving his lips as you finally look up at him.

“You’re really nice to look at. Wouldn’t want to deprive myself of such a beauty,” he winks.

“Oh good god, Derek. You sure are laying it on thick tonight.” You groan, wondering how you found yourself here.

It’s not that you didn’t like his flirting and sweet comments, but you just worried what it all meant at times. He obviously was flirty with Penelope, but it was obvious that they were the best of friends. With you, you couldn’t tell. Maybe it’s because you couldn’t tell what you wanted it to be. Either way, it scared you.

“I’m just telling you the truth, darling.”

You shake your head, trying to hide a smile as he watches you. You don’t need to fall for him. You don’t need to fall for your teammate more than you already have.

It’s easy to find yourself swooning to Derek’s words, and even easier to find yourself falling for him, but you needed to stop it. Being in love with a teammate will only make things difficult, if not ruin things completely.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” You ask, not able to ignore his almost love-sick stare.

“Like what?”

“Like you’re in love or something.”

“Maybe I am.” He shoots back, thoroughly shocking you. It’s hard to keep quiet when you had nearly choked on air.

You try to keep a calm façade, but you’re certain he can read the panic in your eyes.

“Derek...”

“No, I know. I know it’s hard being in love with someone doing this job, even harder when it’s someone on the team, but I can’t help it, y/n.”

You look around the jet to find everyone either sleeping or preoccupied with their own entertainment. You sigh, glad that no one is overhearing this.

“Derek...what do you want me to do?” You sigh, heart sinking as your mind runs a mile a minute.

“Like you said, it’s hard enough being in love with someone while doing this job, let alone that person being someone on the team.”

He sighs, frowning as he falls back into his chair, not really sure what to say. He knew to never share his true feelings with you, but he got so caught up in the back and forth that he couldn’t stop himself from spilling.

“Do you feel the same?”

You look at him, making contact with his beautifully dark eyes. You sigh softly, reading the emotions swirling behind his irises.

“I think so.”

“You think so?”

“Derek, it’s easy to fall for you when you’re you. You’re so physically and mentally strong, you’re unbelievably knowledgeable, you’re talented in so many ways...” You start, watching as he watches you with his full attention.

“You’re funny, and sweet, and so much fun to be around. You’re a natural leader with the charisma to match, and I swear you know how to light up a room without trying. You make people around you feel comforted, and you never break your promises. You’re undeniably amazing...”

“But?” He asks, still watching you.

“But I’ve tried so hard to not let myself fall for you because of the risk it would be, and if you know anything about me, I know awfully well how to put up walls...especially when it comes to my heart.”

“God, I know. You take on everyone else’s pain and sell yourself out to the very last string, but god forbid if anyone try to do the same for you.” ��He chuckles, shaking his head at the situation.

“I’ve seen you, y/n. I know you’re friends with everyone on this jet right now, but I’ve seen how you don’t let a single one of them help you when you really need it. I suppose that’s one of the things that I came to like about you.”

“What do you mean?”

You watch as he chuckles, shaking his head, before meeting your gaze.

“I love how you’re willing to help everyone else, but I want to be the one to get through to you that you need someone to help you. I want to be that person who helps you when you won’t let anyone else.”

You bite back a smile as you take in his words. Out of everyone, you have always felt the most comfortable asking Derek for help. That doesn’t mean you ever have though.

You have to admit though that it’d be nice knowing someone is on your side and willing to comfort you like you comfort others.

“You’re making me fall for you again, Derek Morgan.” You huff playfully.

“Sweet girl, I’ve already completely fallen. The least I can do now is to catch you.”

You shake your head, trying your hardest not to let that smile break, but it’s impossible when it’s derek.

He smiles himself as he watches you, biting your lip although the smile has already taken over your face. God what he would give to see that smile directed at him every day. Just knowing that he can cause you to smile that sincerely, and that big, has his heart melting.

“I’d love to be with you, Derek, but I think we both know neither of us can step away from the job. We’d have to be able to put our relationship on pause whenever we’re on a case...”

“I know. Trust me I know. I’m more than willing to try it though if you are.”

“Okay then.”

He smiles, watching as a small blush heats up your cheeks, smirking when he gets an idea.

“Y/n y/l/n, when this jet lands, would you give me the honor of taking your pretty face on a date?”

You can’t help but chuckle as you nod. Only Derek would ask you out on a date in the goofiest of tones, but you can't say you mind it. You’ve always liked just how happy he makes you.

“I suppose I will.” You smile, chuckling as he punches the air in excitement before leaning over to kiss your cheek.

“This will be the best decision of your life, I swear it. I love you so much, y/n.”

“I love you too, Derek. More than you probably realize.”

He smiles, placing a kiss to your forehead before scooting into the seat beside you, wrapping his arm around your shoulders. You chuckle but can’t stop the smile from gracing your features as you pull your book back up to your face to read, already feeling so much safer - and happier - in derek’s arms.

#JTR23 #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfic #derek morgan #derek morgan x reader #derek morgan fluff #derek morgan angst

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narrators-journal · 3 years

Note

Hello, I hope you are well, can I ask Yandere Akutagawa who probably hates you for how you make us feel? I may degrade you but get mad if someone else does

I hope this is good and is what you wanted! I'm a little rusty with Yandere content, so it might be a bit subtle here. I hope you enjoy nonetheless!

As a new low ranking mafia goon you had expected some harsh bullying from your coworkers, but that didn't mean you couldn't despise them for it, or have the occassional breakdown in the headquarters bathroom or something. That was actually how you'd met your first friend-like person in the organization, Higuchi had found you fighting to not cry in the bathroom one day, and instead of belittling you for the moment of weakness, she gave you a paper towel to dab the tears from your (s/c) cheeks and assured you that she understood your predicament.

In all honesty, the harassment wouldn't be that bad if it weren't for one specific man. Akutagawa Ryuunosuke.

Akutagawa was a violent, hostile, rabid dog of a man who took any possible chance to insult you without mercy. It didn't even have to be anything that would get you into trouble or annoy him, he would belittle anything he could about you as a person, not just your work for the mafia. It had quickly lost all of the leeway you had for newbie-hazing. At least now you had a reason to blame for the prickly mafioso hating your guts. Turns out he isn't a fan of his fashion being labelled 'hot topic tween goth.' After that, you just avoided him as best you could, which seemed near impossible with how much he continued to pop up in your life, even after you'd insulted him.

Of course, Mori would pair you with the goth pretty frequently despite your reluctance, Akutagawa had a pretty variable set of jobs he could be assigned to and thus would be a good on-the-job teacher for a newbie such as yourself, but after you'd insulted the goth he didn't leave you alone like you might've thought he would. Instead, he seemed to pop up a lot more frequently, even outside of the jobs you were paired with him on. Of course, you would see the pale vampire at the headquarters when you weren't working with him, but now you had gone from seeing him maybe once a week for a task or to retrieve or deliver ill-gotten cash, to seeing him a distance behind you in the hallway of the headquarters almost every other day, or in one of the spare sitting rooms the goons had overtaken and claimed as a sort of 'break room' on nights when you'd stay super late into the night and should've been alone.

However, you couldn't really accuse the hostile man of stalking you just to glare at you or spit insults. After all, Higuchi had always had a very valid point as to why you were running into him when you brought the occurrences up, and you'd be labelled a loon for thinking he'd been trailing you just because you had spotted him in the grocery store. So, you opted to keep your mouth shut and just ignored him whenever you could get away with it.

Though, every once in a while a snide remark or two slipped out, like one had on the day he limped into the headquarters after another spat with his rival, Atsushi Nakajima. "You look like a cat's half digested dinner," you snorted, watching the wheezing vampire flop into one of the fancy velvet chairs in the empty break room. He was still glowing a pretty vibrant red, with his coat ribbon lashing like the tail of an angry cat, but he ignored your comment and instead focused on wrapping his slashed up arm and leg in bandages. Then, just as you were beginning to leave the room to find your own place to do some paperwork, you felt fabric slither around your neck to tighten into a razor-wire choke-collar and yank you none-too-gently over to the chair Akutagawa sat in.

You weren't likely to cut an impressive figure with your (e/c) eyes wide with shock at the sudden attack, and fear at the feeling of Rashoumon's sharp edges biting into your (s/c) skin to draw blood under your bully's cold, humiliation-filled glare, "I think you're beginning to forget your place here, newbie." He spat, his raspy growl dripping with venom, "Not only do I outrank you, but I am much stronger than you. You are nowhere near Jinko's strength, fucking Higuchi is more of a threat to me than you are, so the next time you want to feel more significant than you are and insult me, I suggest you have a fucking grave dug beforehand." He got right in your face as he spoke, barring his teeth at you with sin-worthy wrath in his grey eyes, but, just for a moment before the lethal ribbon threw you away as easily as he would a gum wrapper, he hesitated. It was brief, only a few seconds, but Akutagawa's anger lessened, and instead he leaned forward just a hair. Just as quickly as it appeared though, the moment was gone. His fury returned with a vengeance and the ribbon that held you captive launched you across the room, sending you sliding across the floor and into the wall hard enough to crack it just a bit.

You took the hint and scrambled to your feet as soon as you got some air into your lungs, coughing and wheezing as you fled the room before Rashoumon could be sent through your spine next.

Admittedly, being snippy with the vampire after he'd already been embarrassed like that hadn't been a shining example of your best timing, but you tried to move past it, and that weird moment of hesitation, and label it a learning experience. Your fellow goons however, caught wind of your confrontation and did not give you such kindness. They instead turned it into more ammunition for snide remarks about how intelligent you were.

"Hey! Look who just walked in!" A goon you had yet to learn the name of almost crowed one day when you were eating lunch in the breakroom, just trying to watch some tv before your next job when Akutagawa had come in. "Hey, (y/n), wanna try and see if he'll knock your braincells back into place?" You just glared at the man while he continued to call you stupid and just try to instigate whatever fight he could it seemed. You didn't fall for his trap though, keeping your mouth firmly shut and not responding to his insults or assumptions of how masochistic you were. No, you instead simply returned your attention to the tv and blocked out Akutagawa's existence until you finished your lunch and left for your job.

Thankfully, it was a solo mission, a new extension of trust from Mori, and a prime chance to not only prove yourself, but to get away from the assholes you worked with. So, by the time you returned to the mafia headquarters, you were feeling pretty good and had almost completely forgotten your earlier run-in with that asshole of a goon around your lunch time.

Of course, the sky was dark by the time you returned from the job, so on top of your improved mood, you were also spared further heckling since everyone else had finished their work and gone home for the night. So, you were gratefully able to fly through the report you had to write about the mission, and cataloging of the goods you'd distributed without issue. It wasn't until you stopped by the bathroom to change out of your clothing and into some more comfortable, not-dirty clothes before your walk home that you smelled the stench of blood.

It hit you like a brick as soon as you had opened the bathroom door. The whole bathroom reeked of the dizzying smell of iron and death so badly that it poured out into the empty hallway. All it took was a few steps inside to investigate for you to spot the source of such a strong stench. A corpse huddled into the far corner across from the stalls.

Through your stinging tears, you could see that it was likely one of the other mafia goons, and judging by the one bloody tuft of hair you could see amongst the chunks of flayed flesh...it was the same goon that was messing with you earlier. Since your only identifier was the shredded and blood soaked suit that the heap of shredded flesh and spilled entrails somewhat wore and a bit of hair, you couldn't say for certain, but something in your gut told you it was the same man.

"You know, you should really grow a spine." You whirled around to face the doorway as soon as the raspy voice spoke, (e/c) eyes wide and your hand instantly falling to the small pistol you had at your hip. But, instead of some demented intruder out to murder any mafia goons they found, you were instead met with Akutagawa. Your worst bully.

For a moment, all you could do was stare in shock, your brain frantically scrambling to recollect its composure under the pressure of an almost primal terror, just letting you stammer out a shakey, "What?" before your legs began to turn to jello, the thick blanket of coppery blood in the air making your stomach want to escape out of your mouth. However, you put your hand on the cool glass of the sink and bit back the urge to vomit. The last thing you wanted was to give the sadistic mafioso more ammo against you in his harassment, and if he was the goon-slaughtering-psycho, you didn't want to go out because you were too busy retching to defend yourself. However, he didn't attack you. He just stood in the doorway and glared at the mutilated pile of flesh as if it had insulted his family for a moment before speaking again, "You're supposed to be a mafia member, (y/n), you can't just let people use you as a doormat, it reflects poorly on the organization." he chided with a derisive sniff, "Grow a damned spine and begin to stand up for yourself. No one's going to 'defend your honor' like this..." He trailed off, fixing you with a cold, irritated look for a long moment before he turned on his heel with a huff, "Clean that bastard up, before he stains the linoleum anymore than he already has."

With that, Akutagawa stomped off back to wherever he'd come from. Leaving you to deal with the bloody carnage you'd discovered, and to ask yourself why he had even been here. It was the middle of the night, most everyone should be home by now, but the goth had appeared only a moment after you'd entered the bathroom, how had he shown up so quickly? He didn't bring Mori or anyone else, so it wasn't like he'd discovered the body first...

You got a sick feeling that he'd been the one to leave such a nightmarish scene. And that he'd been waiting for you to find it or something.

#bsd #bungo stray dogs #Akutagawa ryuunosuke #x reader #Yandere akutagawa #ask #scenario #yandere

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