#or at least less miserable

[trashabilly]

yall i spent a good hour tryna figure out how to crochet a chain stitch (i was following a tutorial) and let me just say.. what the fuck

[popsicle-stick]

YES!!!!!!!!!!! OH YEAH BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (sickos) OH YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

[cometrose]

yap about uhh zhongli and azhdaha (please)

I believe I already talked about zhongli and azhdaha but everytime i reread the last lines of their dialogue together I feel so ill, its just like getting sucker punched

first there are theories that azhdaha could be the geo dragon sovereign and I mean its certainly possible. First he is described as the "Lord of the Vishaps" and he lashes at Morax for being an usurper which is the first time this word has been brought up within the main story itself. Plus Morax also struggled to seal him away during the fight showing immense strength so maybe?? I am leaning towards this theory but I have no idea really.

It would make zhongli and azhdaha's relationship 10x more interesting but a billion times more complex.

But that aside reading through the zhongli's second story quest, I think its interesting how Jiu (evil azhdaha) refers to zhongli as a traitor/betrayer this could refer to the fact that morax sided with humanity to stop him or it could refer the heavens and the authority of the archons.

anyway im still crying because morax sharing his power with azhdaha to stop his erosion is so sad but he can't stop it so he has to watch his consciousness and reason turn to nothing. I can't imagine its not only finding a new enemy but losing a friend.

Azhdaha also holding Morax is very high esteem is also super interesting. Apparently in the chinese text it signals that morax had azhdaha's respect or support in the sense that if azhdaha was the geo dragon sovereign he willingly allowed morax to use his power.

I could talk forever but as you go through act II azhdaha recites a poem "a star appears within the wild...a sun ascends as bright as...jade" LISTEN my number 1 theory for what zhongli's true form is, is that he is a star, just a fallen star for the heavens, so not only is this line super important but it also reflects how much meaning morax had to azhdaha. A blind dragon yearning to see the sun, morax embodied that sun is almost every way.

azhdaha uses kun jun to track down morax but also senses morax is no longer than geo archon, i wonder how he found him then- just the scent of the divinity?

"even without a god above, this remains a nation of men. I was once their god. I ought to be here to witness their rise and fall." ugh zhongli please dont say such things

"you were always the strongest among us, yet it would seem that even you have been eroded" see now im confused and upset. zhongli says he struggled to seal azhdaha away but azhdaha also refers to zhongli as the strongest amongst them. the truth seems as that both of them were very close in power with zhongli just peaking over him. When it comes to their fight in the chasm, it seems morax fought azdhaha alone and out of the chasm while 3 of his adepti prepared the seal in Nantianmen. (fun fact you can see the stone formations where morax "dragged" azhdaha out of the chasm)

BUT azhdaha also says that morax came to him not as an assassin so he was willingly sealed away. BUT then zhongli is like the "movements of the Earth Dragon can tremble the earth and shake the heavens. with your abilities even at my full strength i struggled to confront you, let alone seal you away." First zhongli refers to him as Earth Dragon as in a title so wink wink nudge nudge are you the sovereign azhdaha? then zhongli kind of emplies he wouldn't have been able to seal azhdaha had he not consented to it, but azhdaha also believes zhongli was still stronger than him. I guess for now we have to accept both truths.

Also im upset please dont say such things, like the fact that zhongli has eroded in his own way makes me sad.

"you may live forever, doomed to a lonely existence...yet even this is temporary" FUCK. Like this is also part of the reason I think zhongli is a star, because eternal life? loneliness? the sun shines brightly all by itself casting a shadow on everyone and burning whoever gets too close. zhongli is bright and beautiful but he ends up losing everyone within his orbit, like this is so awful but like the adepti, the archons, azhdaha, guizhong like everyone close to him is always dying. even though he lives amongst humanity now he is still going to watch all of them die. someone hold me!!! Azhdaha does say he will meet all his companions at the end, but that could be an eternity away from now.

Also after this zhongli is like my lifespan can't compare to yours, the life of an elemental being is longer than anything but wait a second, in xianyun's story line she mentions that adepti are pure elemental beings. so like is he or is he not an elemental being. If he isn't why is he called the prime of the adepti, if he is why does he state that he could not compare to the lifespan of an elemental being. then again morax could be non-elemental being that just ascended to the title of adepti.

But- kun jun states that if he were not an elemental being morax would've killed him a long time ago, so maybe it's less of the lifespan but more to do with a cycle of rebirth. In the sense you cannot truly kill an elemental being as they will simply revive or come back to life thousands of years later. who knows!

"that day in the chasm? did you hesitate?" "a heart of stone is a heart nonetheless" I don't even want to talk about it, to this day this is still the most homoerotic line in the entire game. i feel so ill, want to throw up.

I'm kind of curious when zhongli and azhdaha met, because azhdaha is like I was there with Liyue's founder, as in he was there when the harbor was founded 3,700 years ago and was sealed 1,000 years ago. BUT liyue was founded before the end of the archon war, hell it was founded at the climax of the war, so were zhongli and azhdaha already partners when zhongli became the geo archon? If so it could grant more meaning to the idea that azhdaha approved of zhongli as in he accepted morax taking his authority IF he was the geo dragon sovereign.

"you're leaving?" dont talk like that zhongli it makes you sound (and me feel) pitiful

See also zhongli is like “centuries have past since the day azhdaha attacked but the events remain crystal clear in my mind” so like i feel zhongli erodes in a different way than azhdaha i don't think his memories are just degrading away.

BACK to the power thing, zhongli says despite being the victor he cannot claim to be stronger than azhdaha, because in his heart he still retained good will, and although he wished to be sealed away, erosion made him forget this wish. SO azhdaha says morax was stronger but zhongli says azhdaha was stronger.

In this situation, zhongli could be referencing power of will. In the sense that even though zhongli won the physical fight, azhdaha was still "stronger" than him because, despite losing his memories, he still retained goodness in his heart. I will leave the power thing between the two as "ambiguous" just for my peace. But zhongli could also be saying that erosion made azhdaha "weak" in some way and if not for that he could not have bested him in battle.

Erosion talk makes me sad, zhongli describes his erosion as "people abandon and surrender the things the love to pursue the right path". And god it hurts, he loved azhdaha, truly! But to protect liyue zhongli had to turn his back on his companions. there are probably so many people zhongli loved that he couldn't protect or couldn't be with to protect liyue.

Which is why I don't think I can be too harsh on him for stepping down as archon. Not only is erosion more dangerous the stronger the being is, but for a god that has lived so selflessly for all these years I cannot blame him for wanting to cherish the things he personally loves for once. But even then he still loves liyue so much he wants to watch them grow for many years.

So uh yeah azhdaha zhongli hurts me soooo because it was never meant to be, but there are a lot of theories out there that could change the dynamic of their relationship so I am just not sure. But i do like them together I wish azhdaha would come back simply because it would make zhongli happy.

[extralively]

What would the CANON!Timeline characters reactions be to Yura and the UtCoS!Verse? Like say if Yura got transported to the canon world for some reason before Shibuya arc, or the first year's and CANON!Satoru somehow end up in the UtCoS!Verse before Shibuya. What would everyone's reactions be like? Both from the UtCoS!verse and the CANON!verse.

oh man, you got me thinking about it and it's just all sorts of sad! So I started writing and this became a sort of mini oneshot LMAO help

(This has not been properly proofread tho nor is it in my usual style, but I couldn't help myself!!)

So let's think up a scenario in which Yura is transported into canon circa early 2018 (let's not fret over the specifics lmao). At first, she's very confused when people she knows don't recognize her, and then it starts ringing alarm bells in her head when Satoru doesn't recognize her. And even worse, there's a weird pull towards this Satoru from her soul connection to him, but she can tell it's not him that she's attached to. Oops, she's in another universe somehow.

(Let's skip over all the drama of her trying to make everyone else believe her story and bam, they all do.)

Yura is not having a good time. Seeing the people she cares about not know who she is, seeing them lead a life without her around just makes her desperately miss home. Imagine there's some drama over them not knowing whether or not she could go back to her own universe, so Yura has to consider the possibility that she's permanently stuck in this world where all the history she had with everyone else has just been completely wiped out, and it's basically torture. To have the people she loves right there in front of her but also not be the same people that love her back would be just all sorts of painful to deal with.

Then we get into her learning what everyone else's lives have been like without her around, and if Yura was sad before, this makes her feel double sad--but this time, it's sad for them.

Tsumiki is still cursed, so that's a big blow to Yura, and learning that Tsumiki and Megumi didn't grow up with fun birthdays and holidays and happy family time like Yura remembered made her heart ache. Yura doesn't understand why this Satoru kind of kept his distance from them and only acted as a mentor figure to Megumi as opposed to her Satoru who stepped up as their legal guardian, and she has to face this reality where the Fushiguros were forced to grow up alone, like she had feared they would back home. And of course, once she tells this Megumi about all of it, even if he tries to keep his cool, he can't help but imagine a world where he and Tsumiki had a happy childhood for once. Yura shows him pictures of the four of them on her phone, and it somehow makes him feel weirdly nostalgic despite the fact that he hadn't lived this life at all. There's a strange longing inside of him over what he could have had, but he has to shake himself out of it because, to him, it's nothing but a fantasy.

Then we get to Satoru.

This Satoru is very much like her Satoru, but also not. His personality is still the same, but Yura knows him well enough by now to see the constant loneliness that weighs him down; that her Satoru has this kind of joy in him that this world's Satoru lacks. She learns that, without her, Satoru didn't really have anyone after Geto left, despite Shoko still being around, and it just kind of sends her spiraling thinking about what it must have been for him. She thinks about all the times that her Satoru would seek her out throughout the years, all the time they spent together--so what was it like for this Satoru? What did he do during summer at school when everyone else left and it was just him around? Who did he bother when he had a new movie he desperately wanted to watch or a new bakery he wanted to visit? How did he spend his birthdays after Geto was gone? When he overworked himself, who was there to tell him it was okay to take a break?

And when canon Satoru learns about their history in this alternate reality, he almost finds it too hard to believe. There's this strange woman telling him that they're best friends in this other universe, despite the fact that he'd never thought he'd have someone fill that position after Suguru was gone. And not just best friends, but something else--something the woman refuses to name, even though he starts to have an idea about what she may feel for this other Satoru from the way she talks about him.

(And pretending that the soul-binding ritual is a real thing in canon despite the fact that I made it up) She also turns out to be bound to someone in the Gojo clan using that old soul-binding ritual, judging from the mark on her chest. And not just someone, but him--and he would have to admit that he felt a strange tugging inside of him towards her, that she theorized it was because she was bound to his alternate self in this other universe of hers. Something something their souls were alike so her soul bond 'found' him, something something. First of all, why would he bind himself like that to anyone? That shit was serious, and archaic, and he never actually wanted to be married to anyone, let alone permanently married. But oh, she claimed they weren't married for real (c'mon, this is a marriage ritual) and that he only did that to save her life (were there no other alternatives??)

Still, when she shows him the photos and videos she has of them in her phone, Satoru is kind of entranced. There's her and him, but a different him, being all sorts of familiar with each other. There's a strange ease in the way they interacted with each other, videos of this other him making jokes at her as she played along, her being annoyed at him, him teasing her as they cuddled up in bed...

Yura promptly snatches her phone from him when he finds the racier pictures, but from what he'd seen, it looks like they had fun. But in general, Satoru has a hard time wrapping his head around the idea of this other universe, of this other life he could have had. In theory, there were countless other universes out there where anything could have happened, and he briefly entertains the thought of a universe where Suguru didn't leave them before he shakes himself out of it. Because there's this weird woman looking at him in a way that he's never had anyone look at him before, and it's throwing him off in a weird way.

Eventually, they find a way to send Yura back home. She feels relieved and is desperate to be back where she belongs, but she has a few things she has to do before she goes. First, she tries her best to break Tsumiki's curse like she'd done back home even if she still has no idea how she did that (she succeeds, because this might not be her Tsumiki, but it's still Tsumiki). Then, she tells Megumi to stay close to his sister, because they're family and family is always looking after each other--if they have no one else, they need to make sure they'll have one another. And at last, she has a few parting words to say to this Satoru.

She tells him to not be alone. He finds it a little funny, but she's serious. She says that he has so many people around him that care, and that he shouldn't shoulder everything himself because yes, she knows him well enough to know that that's exactly what he's been doing--being lonely is miserable, and she doesn't want that for any Satoru. She also asks him to keep a closer eye on the Fushiguros too, to get involved a little bit more--because as much as it would be good for them, it would be good for him too, she knows it. And finally... she tells him to be less of an idiot. Since she isn't around to keep his idiocy in check, he's gonna have to do it himself... or at the very least, rely on the people around him to do that for him.

Yura eventually goes back home. She feels pure relief at getting her life back, at being reunited with her Satoru, with her little family, but she can't help but feel a twinge of sadness thinking of everyone in this other universe and what their lives must have been like. Her Satoru then jokes that she made his life better just by existing... but also he's kinda serious. Yura finds it hard to wrap her head around that.

(...Also she notices that her phone went missing...)

------------------------

Listen. I started writing this and I couldn't stop. Shit, I love thinking up AUs of my own fanfiction lmaooo I'm in too deep

(I've been thinking a lot about an AU where Satoru doesn't propose the soul binding ritual to save her life but instead proposes an actual marriage instead. And let me tell you, things would have gone wildly different lmaoo think being made to live together to prove your marriage is for real. his family pushing for them to consume the marriage otherwise they would declare it a fake. them enjoying consuming the marriage a little too much and being confused about their own feelings. and oh, perhaps an accidental pregnancy oh THE DRAMA (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°))

[arnold-layne]

i hate that finding a good job this day always requires networking. what about us antisocial bitches that say more words to an npc than to a human in a day. i really should be able to get a decent job with skills alone, not through someone i happen to know, because i don’t know that many people.

[ferberus-skull]

i don't wanna be a hater but. man. dusthides are looking really disappointing. i was so sure we were finally gonna get a wingless ancient, which was my One Huge Hope for the earth ancient. and. nope. still has wings.

[no27-autonation-honda]

Idk how much longer I can keep telling myself the reason my more recent years keep feeling so bad is because it’s been so long since the actual worst years of my life tbh

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[possiblytracker]

coughs loudly. scheduling this post for slightly later today so i have time to get lunch and not chicken out before it goes up

firstly i gotta apologise for dropping off the face of the earth. in hindsight it was creeping up on me for a long time I just didn't think anything of it/had enough stuff going on to ignore it for a while, but ive been wrestling with pretty abysmal mental health that just kinda hit me like a truck back in august. i wont get too much into it but things just ground to a halt and in the span of a week or so it legitimately felt like i stopped being a Person- i just stagnated, felt like i lost the ability and will to do anything or enjoy things or create like i used to, all my energy went into keeping it together in front of my family, and it made me way too anxious and ashamed and guilty to want to show my face. like who would want to put up with my stupid bullshit, right (wrong! that idea just made me unbelievably worse and i regret it extremely, but my anxiety was going extremely unchecked at this time). i don't think i've ever been that depressed before and i didn't at all know how to handle it or begin to claw my way out

fortunately, a combination of getting exercise + touching grass regularly and new enrichment/hyperfixations to latch onto like an orphaned duckling are very recently kicking some life back into me so to speak. who wouldve thought. and now where i used to still feel stomach-turning dread and paranoia thinking about getting back on tumblr and discord a week or two ago, it finally feels like i can handle dipping my toes back in. i'm making this post first bc i know most of my friends will see it, and that feels less taxing than explaining myself a bunch of different times over and over and dragging it out, but ofc i will try and get back into conversation when and as i can (askbox and discord is still best to reach me if you wanted). i'm just really sorry, and I hope you can forgive me, for making you worry or otherwise

i'm not sure what to do from here (i'm considering maybe moving main blogs to a clean slate eventually? this one will still be here i couldnt bear to get rid of it, i've just had it since i was 16 there's Baggage attached) but i'll be trying to ease my way back into relative normalcy before doing anything big ofc. in the meantime i will be vaguely floating around here again. see you around and thank you for your time..

[ask-artsy-oncie]

I wish I was not an unintelligent manchild.

[monsterbisexual]

,,

[pollen]

hii it's been awhile since i've given any updates about what's going on with me but!!! i think we're moving back to oregon at some point. and i'm gonna make grad school happen. i'm so yhappy

[killerchickadee]

When I was younger (like in my early 30s) I figured I'd make it to my 42nd birthday and if my life was still a burning shit show I'd kill myself.

Well I turn 42 a month from today and my life is still a burning shit show, but I don't want to kill myself anymore so. Progress I guess.

[thetantiger]

the warblade does pride celebrations a little differently

meanwhile at the sotf base:

[arsenicflame]

anyway! officially booked both the time off and the hotel to go to london for my birthday. this will be nice

[llycaons]

one of the prev posts I was like oh cql? on the url and they WERE cql...but their top tag was...bad....but I don't even have the energy to refute their nonsensical arguments for it because like that's not what shipping really is about but also THEY REALLY THINK JC IS *THE ONE* TO MAKE WWX HAPPY AND LWJ IS BORING???? incest aside like jc makes wwx MISERABLE jfc canonically yeah lwj does make wwx happy and jc is left miserable and alone due to the consequenves of his actions including actively tormenting and mocking and humiliating and trying to kill wwx. go die mad about it 😭