#or if it’s just me being naturally anxious or the meds

[szczylpierdolony]

how do i tell my friend im sorry for nor writing anything in our essay today bc ive had one of my worst days in a while without coming across as a selfish pathetic dick

[artificialstardust]

Thinking about how since Noah knows what it’s like to struggle with anxiety, just him being so fucking understanding when you’re going through a rough patch with it. Like, he’s holding you as tightly as you need him to (it makes me feel better to have something tight around my chest) or giving you as much space as you need. He will listen to you for hours to help you feel more relaxed because he knows it’s better to just let it out than hold it in. He helps you with the little things without you asking him too so it takes shit on your plate, as well as helping you with the bigger ones too. He makes sure you’ve ate something when you feel to anxious to even eat a full meal, he just wants you to have something in your system.

He also makes sure you take your meds if you’re on them. If not, he tries to find natural ways to help you calm down for longer periods (I took ashwagandha before I was medicated to help me function without having a panic attack). If you do have a panic or anxiety attack, he’s right there keeping your hair out of your face and talking you through it, making sure that you aren’t alone until you tell him that you’re for sure okay.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for getting into a screaming match with a neighbour after he harrassed me for months for being sick?

im gonna start this by saying i dont *think* im the asshole. i more just wanted to share this insane story and maybe get some other points of view on it.

i (22nb) got really sick back in april. like rush to a&e multiple times sick. i tested multiple times but it wasnt covid. it later turns out my cold-like symptoms and my horrendous cough were caused by allergies. it took about 3 months to finally dull it down and feel okay again. i take meds everyday and im still not 100% because the allergen (pollen) persists.

but in this 3-month period of me being sick we found we kept getting knocks on our door. it was our upstairs neighbour (approx 50m). the first time he knocked at 3 in the morning to complain about how my coughing was keeping him awake. he rambled through the door for like 15 minutes about my coughing and demanded we move our bed to the front room so he couldnt hear my coughing anymore.

i, having already been feeling guilty and anxious about being sick because my fiancé (27m) had to take care of me and i lost my job over the situation, decided i was gonna go for a walk. i was really upset and i wanted some fresh air (which at the time i thought would help).

the next morning, the neighbour came down again to inform us that we should keep sleeping in the front room until i recover because he slept so great that night. we informed him that we in fact did not sleep in the front room and i hadnt even been in the flat.

a few days go by and we get another knock at the door. its thankfully daytime and hes talking through the door again. hes demanding that we move into the front room because we are the ones causing the noise disturbance. (once again, i am very sick. paramedics were round at our house 2 days prior to look me over).

we say no to this and he says hes going to get our estate agent to resolve this because we, and i quote, "are being selfish".

a few more days pass and our estate agents inform us that theyre coming to do an inspection. naturally they get here and they want to know my fiancé and i's side of the story. we tell them im very sick and they are very understanding because the neighbour said as much when they put in the noise disturbance complaint. they tell us not to worry and theyll tell the neighbour that hes being silly.

two or three weeks go by and we hear nothing. until one day, whilst my fiancé is at work, he decides to harrass me personally because he knows im home alone. he demands to know exactly what im doing to fix this, tells me how its bothering our other neighbours (who had said nothing to us) and tells me its affecting his quality of life. (i was the one coughing so hard i was vomiting for about two weeks but his quality of life was the one inconvenienced???) in the end, he slinks off back upstairs like usual and i then ring the estate agents to complain about his continued harrassment.

this happens again another time when my fiancé and we start arguing through the door again. it was pretty much like the last few times.

but then, heres where we might be the assholes of the story. after weeks of repeated knocks and lengthy complaints and demands, he knocks again. it was 8am, my fiancé was still sleeping for work. my fiancé woke up to him complaining at me through the door again and lost it. this man was knocking to ask if it was okay to move back into his bedroom because the coughing seemed to have gone down. he wanted us to assure him that i wouldnt get sick again. we opened the door to him for the first time (after giving warning) and got into a screaming match with him. of course in the time it took between giving warning and opening the door, he had scurried upstairs and was yelling at us from there.

i think theres a possibility we are the assholes because the screaming match would have been heard by our downstairs neighbour who was not involved in this at all. we did write him a letter to apologise for this but i still feel kinda shitty about it.

i went back to the estate agents after and reported him again saying if they didnt deal with him, id look into taking legal action for harrassment. its been about a month now and weve heard nothing from him since.

What are these acronyms?

[transgenderer]

Some further thoughts on my relationship with alcohol, and weed to a lesser extent: I am by nature kind of an asocial, generally anxious and especially socially anxious person. And this anxiety is pretty well merited in the social case because like. I act strangely and miss social cues and stuff! So like...the version of me who never drinks would go on a lot fewer dates, spend less time hanging out with friends, etc. I tend to get kind of bored or irritable or anxious or worn out around people for extended times when sober. Sober, I just don't like spending time around other people that much. I KIND OF like it. But I like it less. and I want to be a more social person, I like being a more social person. So I feel like...idk, there is an extent to which I "need" alcohol? But like. I mean this is a silly comparison but I wouldn't say its entirely unlike, idk, taking meds for adhd or whatever, you take a drug and it gives you a capability you otherwise wouldnt have

[angelsanarchy]

Glass Houses: Jack Thurlow x Y/N Series CH 02 -> CH 03

"He looks just like Rusty and he keeps following me." "Unless you're walking through pet sematary, I assure you that's not Rusty."

Tagging: @roryculkinluvr @thatsthewrongwallcraig @icarus-star

"How was therapy?" Shanda asked as Jack walked through the neighbor smoking a cigarette.

"He recommended getting fresh air instead of staying locked up in the house. Naturally I'm having a cigarette and talking a walk." Jack smirked.

"I'd say that's progress, somewhat." Shanda laughed. Jack knew she really didn't want to leave him by himself but it had been a few days and he honestly felt fine. He didn't mind the silence when he was writing and when the silence made him anxious, he turned on a playlist to start boxing things in the upper levels up.

"I was checking with work and I think I might be able to make it back for the weekend-" Jack cut her off.

"Shan, please stop trying to fuck your own life up to babysit me. I am following all the rules, being a good little patient and working on myself. I don't want you to waste your life freaking out about me." Jack loved Shanda. They had been through a lot as kids and now as adults. He wanted her to be happy and live the life she wanted to live and she couldn't do that if she was taking care of him.

"Jack, you're my best friend. I'm going to worry." Shanda defended.

"I know that and I love you for that but I promised you that if I ever got those feelings again, I would reach out. I'm not going to let myself get that bad again." Jack knew the meds were working because his mind was usually at ease. It was his body that wasn't working out.

"How about the sleeping? How's that going?" Shanda asked.

"I sleep a lot more and I'm trying to eat more but everything makes me nauseous. I need to find something to supplement my lack of vitamins or something because sleeping half the day doesn't help when you're trying to meet deadlines." Jack placed the cigarette between his lips to run his hand through his hair.

"What about the sleep walking?" Shanda was the only one who knew about his sleep walking episodes. It was something that bonded them as kids because everyone else thought they were weird for having such vivid sleep walking episodes.

"None that I know of but I did put up some cameras just to make sure. I'm thinking about putting a few inside just in case. Basement cameras, maybe one in the kitchen." Jack could hear whining but couldn't quite place where it was coming from.

"You should get those nanny-cams they have for elderly people so I can check on you when you don't answer my calls." Shanda joked making Jack laugh.

"That would just give me motivation to figure out my dick dysfunction to scar you." Jack had been medicated since he was hospitalized and he hadn't been able to get a single hard on since he started. At first it didn't bother him because nothing was really piquing his sexual interest but now his body felt far past pent up.

"It wouldn't be the first guy whose tried to jerk off at me. Remember I live in New York." Jack heard the whining again and stopped walking.

"What the hell is that?" Jack looked around in the open field he was standing in trying to follow the sound.

"What's wrong?" Shanda asked.

"I keep hearing something whining, like a dog or an animal of some kind." Jack started towards the trees and heard it again.

"Are you sure? Maybe you're just hearing feedback through the phone." Jack knew what feedback sounded like and this wasn't it. He got all the way to the tree line when a small white dog popped out of the woods and strutted up to him.

"Holy shit..." Jack put his cigarette out on his shoe and stuffed the butt in his pocket.

"What?! What is it? Did you find the noise?" Shanda sounded concerned.

"Rusty?" Jack knelt down to the dog and he didn't move.

"Um...Jack." Shanda had the unfortunate experience of seeing the collateral damage that came from Jack's breakdown. Sadly Rusty was it.

"I know, I know. He's dead. I killed him but Shan..." Jack held his hand out and the dog still didn't move.

"I'm sure there are plenty of dogs that look like Rusty in that neighborhood. Your neighbors are upper class white elders. Just walk away from him." Shanda suggested.

Jack stood up and looked behind the dog, not hearing anyone call out for him or come popping through the trees to retrieve him. He also noticed it didn't have a collar either. He tried walking away but now the dog was following him.

"Did you walk away?" Shan asked curiously.

"Yeah but I mean I can't seem to-" The dog had run up to him and was no jumping on his legs.

"He looks just like Rusty and he keeps following me." Jack knelt down to pet the dog now that he was engaging with him.

"Unless you're walking through Pet Semetary, I assure you that's not Rusty." Shanda reminded. Jack missed Rusty more than anything. Rusty had been his comfort through a lot of his life and knowing that he was a victim of his mental break broke his heart more than anything.

"I can't just leave him out here by himself. It's going to get dark soon." Jack got back to his feet and picked the dog up.

"Jack, please don't do anything that's going to set you back. Just ask some of your neighbors. They'll probably be able to tell you who he belongs to." Jack started walking back to the neighborhood but wasn't really ready to go interacting with his neighbors. He didn't see the point in getting stuck in the cycle of everyone talking to him about his dead parents and decision to move into the big house by himself.

"I'll just take him home tonight and call Nancy at the vet. She might be able to figure out who they belong to." Jack scratched the dogs head and started towards the house, ending his phone call abruptly with Shanda. He kept his eyes peeled for anyone running around frantically looking for a lost dog but no one ever came outside.

"Come on little buddy. Let's get you something to eat. You look tired." Jack rooted through some of the groceries Shanda had left behind for him and could only find a bag of goldfish. He grabbed Rusty's old dog dish and took him upstairs. He cleaned him up in the sink before plopping him down on the bedroom floor.

"Sorry buddy, I only have this. It's not much but I wasn't really expecting company." Jack sat on the floor next to the bowls, one filled with water and the other with goldfish crackers. The pup sniffed them both and started eating the goldfish. Jack pet his back softly.

"That's a good boy. Good boy." His heart hadn't ached for much while he was hospitalized but sitting here with Rusty's doppelganger made his heart hurt. He made a mental note to mention getting a new dog to his therapist.

[filmnoirsbian]

you've said before that you struggled with stress ulcers in 2020, iirc? have you found a way to manage them effectively besides just, you know, not being stressed? i've had them constantly for a few months now and it's incredibly painful but the stress is due to circumstances outside my control. thank you for your time <3

I went on anti anxiety medication, that helped. Beyond that, I don't have much advice in terms of diy stress reduction. I am not a very anxious or stressed person by nature so it really hit me hard (also due to factors outside my control) and if I hadn't begun taking meds for it idk what I would have done.

[disabledstraydogs]

For the ask game, Lucy and Kyouka with ♿️, 🩼, ☔️, 🏳️‍🌈 and 🐶

I hope that's not too much! (and sorry about the questions being kinda out of order lol)

Hi anon! Because of the number of points here, we are just doing Lucy, but feel free to resend if you want us to do Kyouka as well!!!!

Lucy

♿️ - What is your disability headcanon for [character]? What are the main symptoms that they show? Be as specific or as vague as you want.

Okay Lucy to me has:

Schizoaffective disorder- To me her main symptoms would have disorganized behavior and speech, hallucinations, and mania/depressive episode

She also uses/used a colostomy bag- Although atp I'm unsure if I headcanon her as having it a permanently or just as a young teenager, I think it was either an infection or cancer that causes her to need one. In this post though we're going for it being permanent.

System Lucy is a headcanon we have- however currently I'm leaning towards Anne being a reoccurring hallucination rather than an alter

I don't know what exactly this would class as but due to the orphanage I think she would have something with her hands maybe a nerve or skin issue? Because I don't know what exactly I won't specify this but it's a Thing imo.

🩼 - What is their relationship like with their disability? Are they in denial? Do they fight against it? Are they at peace with their disability?

I think with her schizoaffective disorder she's very used to it, however I think she does have times where she is reluctant to (or judt doesn't) take her meds because she wants to be 'better' and 'normal'.

With her colostomy bag I think she despises it. Having been bullied for using one (despite it being necessary for her to survive) I think she just associates it with bad things and would hide it. She's very anxious to have people find out that she uses one because she doesn't want to answer any of the intrusive questions that come with it. Sometimes she struggles to change it because of this.

🐶 - Has their past affected their disability and it's formation? How?

I think this is an interesting question. In Lucy's case I think the bullying and mistreatment 100% caused (or triggered) her schizoaffective disorder. Obviously we don't know her parents so there could be a genetic element too. But I think being called a freak and so forth impacted her majorly and had her developing delusional thoughts at a young age that weren't picked up on. Also I think the nature of her ability would aid in her disorder.

I don't think there was much she could do to change the possibility of having a colostomy, although I think the orphanage could have picked up on her medical needs sooner and gotten her help that means she may not have needed one.

☔️ - What does a 'bad day' look like for them? How do they cope with this?

I think a bad day for Lucy would involve a lot of emotions and sobbing. She wants attention and reassurance but isn't sure how to ask for this. I think she would lock herself in her ability and just. be held by Anne because she feels like no one else can love her.

I think if she was in mania rather than the depression she would act incredibly impulsively, and possibly have an aggressive streak when she's manic.

For her colostomy, it causes skin irritation, and that makes her upset because it's like a permanent reminder that it's there. Also if it leaks and Lucy is in a bad place she will break down and possibly panic depending on where she is when or if she's in a bad place in general.

🏳️‍🌈 - A random headcanon about [character] and their disability

I've said this before but I think Lucy is a horror junkie, however I also think this could make her psychosis symptoms worse. The Guild have pretty much banned her from watching horror films.

For a headcanon we haven't spoken about.... Besdies Anne, I think Louisa and Atushi are the only people who have actually seen Lucy's colostomy bag. I though Louisa is the only person Lucy has let close enough to help her with changing it.

[quarantineddreamer]

I think a natural consequence of being chronically ill/immunocompromised is becoming more…germ opposed. (Im not gonna say hypochondriac but I mean yeah, I guess that).

Anyways I hate how it forces me to constantly be on my toes about getting sick and how in turn…I get perceived/treated like I’m overreacting and ruining things (example; visiting family rn and I can hear my father in law hacking up a lung and now I’m sitting here like..fuuuuck I don’t wanna leave the room! I don’t wanna get sick! I just started a new med, I’m in as little pain as I have been in nearly two months and I’ve worked so hard to get here and i don’t want to get sick)

But my FIL is also the type of guy who will be weird about me feeling this way (uncomfortable/anxious). Plus there is supposed to be a gathering at the house tonight where he has invited a friend who he’s proclaimed multiple times to be anti-vax 🙃

Anyways why am I writing all this out? Who tf knows I can’t exactly talk about it freely rn and do don’t want it to live in my brain where it’s gnawing at me from the inside out

[gayhoediaz]

me throughout my entire life: going out in public and talking to people and interacting takes a lot of energy out of me.

literally everyone including supposed mental health professionals: mhm. because you’re shy and have a lot of social anxiety.

me: uh. no. zero social anxiety actually. not shy. have no issue talking to people it just makes me tired afterwards.

them: mhm. but there must be a rational explanation so it’s because you’re anxious. you must practice.

me: i have practiced my entire life it just created burnout, it’s not gonna change, this is how i work. i could get up on a stage in front of thousands of people and give a speech it wouldn’t make me anxious at all, i’m just tired after.

them: mhm. so you have social anxiety.

———

me throughout my entire life: *is quiet*

literally everyone including supposed mental health professionals: you’re so shy

me: actually no, i just like to listen and reflect on what’s being said, and i like to think things over. whenever i have something to say, i have no issue saying it, i just naturally examine things from every angle and i want to make sure that my words are a valuable contribution to the conversation.

them: shy <3

———

me: yeah so my dad kind of traumatized me, he would gaslight and invalidate my fee-

therapists and psychologists: you’re too sensitive <3

me: …and i’m afraid his new kids will also struggle with-

therapists and psychologists: they’re probably not as sensitive as you don’t place your experiences and emotions onto other people

———

me: i’m depressed

therapist: go to a spa <3

———

me: you make me uncomfortable i’m not ready to talk about this specific assault that just happened to me please don’t push it

psychologist: therapy is difficult <3 it’s okay to be uncomfortable <3

me: okay but i’m uncomfortable with you - like as a person. and i never agreed to this therapy.

psychologist: therapy is difficult <3 it’s okay to be uncomfortable <3

me: i-

psychologist: listen to the only song that brings you any kind of comfort while i stare at you <3 im sure it won’t ruin the song at all <3

———

me for 5 years straight: i feel exhausted all the time i feel like a zombie

psychiatrist: hm lets increase the dosage of this extremely heavy anti depressant

me: i don’t think i was ever depressed i think it was burnout but these meds just don’t make me feel good. i’m still exhausted i can’t get out of bed.

psychologists and psychiatrists: lets increase the meds and also you can’t just rely on medication, sweaty, you have to try also.

me: i am tryi-

psychologists and psychiatrists: no <3 try harder <3

———

me: yeah a few years ago i slowly decreased my anti depressants by myself under the supervision of my family and i feel like i woke up after 5 years in a coma and i am still catching up in life because it was all paused but i feel so much better since quitting therapy because it was just giving me so much extra trauma and frustration with constantly being invalidated and misunderstood. i completely support medication and therapy when it’s necessary but i think it’s harmful to look at professionals as if they’re gods who can’t do anything wrong. i do not, in fact believe that everyone should go to therapy.

everyone:

[slowdripsunrise]

book review for into the drowning deep by mira grant!!! spoilers under the cut! just found out the author has a tumblr well if u find this pretty please dont look theres nothing bad in here its just not for you! reviews are for readers and you can get constructive criticism from a paid editor and not random readers doing this for free :)

ok i. literally just finished this and am writing it as i am staring at the finished checkmark on my computer lol wanted to get this out so i didnt forget. anyways ok so i super liked this book. love feels like a strong word bc i think im on too much adhd meds to really feel it like that but yeah i really really liked it.

OBViously the best part about this book were the mermaids. i came into it wanting mermaids and creepy shit in the ocean and science and thats what i got. they were creepy wnd fucked up and vicious and murderous amd beautiful and i loved them so much. especially that we got their pov! and how sometimes from their pov we would get little hints of answers about them before the scientists did. i liked that. loved the ocean imagery especially from dr toth was it heavy handed? maybe. idc i love the ocean.

this was also again. creepy as fuck not downright terrifying which surprised me bc im a huge wimp. but i was on the edge of my seat and anxious and nervous for a lot of the characters... which leads me to my next point i guess i dont really feel like i connected per say with all of the characters as much as others. like i feel connected for sure to olivia, especially when its her pov, the probable undiagnosed autism diagnosis goes crazy. and i really liked the wilsons, luis was nice, i liked dr toth. everyone else i didnt really care. which is fine i read this for cool mermaids !!

another thing i would kill for more of was the linguistics with hallie and lennox and the mermaid like i fucking LOVE that shit, and also what happened to said mermaid other than just a small bit at the end about it being bought by some rich guy. also would like to see more of the matriarch mermaid. i love the absolute ancient and archaic nature of creatures that are just fuckin so big, especially when it relates to the ocean. and also maybe i missed where her size was actually describe and im generally really bad at conceptualizing how big things are when just given like. measurements but i was picturing this thing as more colossal than anything else, which would tie into luis' research, right?? pretty sure that was his whole schtick and i wanted more of that... i do appreciate the mystery however. this book left me with questions, and not in a like this was filled with plot holes kinda way but more of a i need to know more this is probably how all those scientists felt kinda way. i like that i think. absolutely love how in these reviews im just spitballing ideas and seeing what sticks who knows tomorrow i probs wont agree with half the shit im saying but who cares. im working out my thought irl and this is what happens. on another note we had anchovies out for dinner and im not normally squeamish about them but. looking at them when reading this book did make me feel a bit weird so theres that. 4/5 stars had fun would recommend

[weepylucifer]

i try to keep it light n breezy on here, but i think i need to write some shit down somewhere. so here is a dreary little tale

so in august of last year, i had covid. it felt like a two-week-long flu, but then it was over. a year ago FUCKING PRECISELY, the Problems started. i went to multiple doctors, but no one paid me any attention, and i was told not to make a fuss, everyone was having post-covid these days, and it'd all go away by itself. further, in a breathtaking display of shittiness, my dad told me to stop being selfish and burden my mother (who, after all, has actual problems!) and himself with my shit. so i gave up. i tried to go on with my life as if nothing had happened, to get a job and finish college, and hoped that the Problems would indeed go away by themselves.

since then i have sat by and watched my body get weaker and weaker and it scared the shit out of me, but there was literally no one who would listen to me or believe me. i lost what little endurance i started out with until i couldn't make the 10-minute walk to the grocery store without almost passing out. i did faint in the grocery store, actually, and i just went home and told no one bc they would have just told me it was my fault, that if i exercised, or kept a proper sleep schedule, or what the fuck ever, i would be in the bloom of my health. for a year now, randomly, my heartbeat goes weird. i started getting dizzy spells out of nowhere with no apparent cause. i live alone. i was frightened all of the time of the day i'd just not manage to take care of myself anymore. i was convinced that if i asked my friends or boyfriend for help, they'd believe i was lying too. i had no idea what was going on with my body. post-covid can, it looks like right now, manifest any fucking symptom ever, which means it could also be anything else.

because the dizziness was getting so dire i barely dared to leave the house anymore, i decided to try seeing my gp again. this time they discovered i'm so fucking anemic it's like a dracula stole half my blood away. after i was Urged to go to the hospital, i arrived at an ER bursting with people and naturally presumed i'd have to hang around for a couple hours, but after i showed them my blood test results i was absolutely Rushed into observation. i got an iron transfusion and am on several new meds as of last week.

today there was an article in the paper (yeah, my parents still subscribe to the local paper) on the one dude in this area who treats post-covid. it lists every symptom that i have. it also says that apparently somehow covid fucks with whatever it is that makes red blood vessels. this could have been explained to me a year ago. it wasn't. i had to let it get exceedingly bad to be deemed worthy of help. that doctor doesn't even have a solution yet. just "eat beets, take walks, and exercise a bit but not too much". i still took the article and put it in my journal bc it's the first thing i've seen in a year that has validated me.

so here i am. my health is in the toilet. i am an absolute twitching anxious mess. even if everything goes perfectly with the new meds (which it rarely does for anyone, does it) it may take weeks or even months until i get to just feel normal again. i still get dizzy every day. sometimes i have a hard time focusing on reading or writing. i can't work. i can't do anything strenuous for fear of passing out. i'm staying with my parents because i'm not sure, if i went back to my apartment, if i could manage to keep myself alive. i haven't seen my boyfriend in weeks. there are friends i'm not meeting, ladies i'm not going on dates with, parties and other events that i'm missing. every time i have to text someone saying i'm not well enough to go out quite yet, i'm afraid they'll get tired of my shit and stop contacting me. my life is basically on hold until further notice.

and there are still people who have been hit way worse by post-covid than me. i am at least not bedridden, and i still have my sense of smell and taste, and it seems like my symptoms can be improved. i'm not saying this to self-flagellate, i'm saying it because it's ludicrous how callously the whole disease gets treated. people want covid as a whole out of sight and out of mind so that we can all be such productive little cogs in the capitalist machine and act like the pandemic is over. tons of people are still catching it. others will never be the same from the aftereffects of it, and there straight up is no cure for that. like what is fucking wrong with us as a world that we consider that acceptable collateral damage. for what, even? just so that we can continue avoiding taking stock of the current episteme that Does Not fucking work for most of us in the first place? just so that somewhere, for the gratification of someone, line go up? why was it so important for us, a year or so ago, to reestablish this figment of normalcy when, again, what was normal was already not working out?

[whentherewerebicycles]

hoo boy it’s Tuesday and what a week it’s been already. Pip was up all night demanding to be let out to hork down grass and then hork it back up again, so nobody in this house slept much 😩 I also started getting so anxious last night I was short of breath and then had those awful choking dreams where I wake up gasping for air, which I haven’t had for years. at one point I just woke up and sobbed for a while and then went right back to sleep. I feel a little better this morning but in general I think there may be something Not Right about my current levels of panic/dread/despair. like yes I have some reason to worry based on past experience but the intensity of the feelings is outside my normal range of emotional ups and downs. I have always been suuuper sensitive to anything that messes with my brain chemistry and I wonder if this is a “surge of new intense hormones” + “suddenly not being on the meds that have been regulating my brain chemistry for the past 12 years” kinda thing.

like if I step back from the anxiety and try to look at it objectively when I am calmer, I know:

my HCG numbers and rate of rise are at the very top end of the normal range, which is strongly associated in the literature with ongoing pregnancy and live birth

my numbers and rate of rise last time were NOT in the normal range and were in fact one of the fairly textbook patterns for an ectopic pregnancy

I am not experiencing any of the classic symptoms of miscarriage—no pain, no cramping, no bleeding

I have never been all that physically sensitive to HCG—the trigger shot has consistently just given me mild GI symptoms whereas other women experience full-on early pregnancy symptoms. last time my levels eventually reached 18,000 before the surgery (which is close to where I am right now) and I still was having zero symptoms. it seems possible my mild symptoms are not a Harbinger of Doom but are just my body not being that reactive to HCG. my mom says that in four healthy pregnancies she never had morning sickness or any really marked symptoms of pregnancy so maybe there’s a genetic basis to it

I can tell I’m ignoring the symptoms I am experiencing (or dismissing them as unimportant/meaningless) in favor of fixating on the ones I am not experiencing and according those the greatest significance. this feels like classic anxiety brain

having one ectopic increases your risk of having another one but as far as I can tell the odds are higher if they open the tube and then stitch it back up as opposed to removing it entirely. I know my right tube seemed to have a weird little kink in it that showed up in the HSG exam and that was indeed where the ectopic took place. my remaining tube is totally clear/open so there is no particular reason to think I will have a recurrent ectopic.

most women do not have access to this level of data about their pregnancies at six weeks! I need to remember it’s not normal to have so much information so early to obsess over. if I weren’t undergoing fertility treatments and had just gotten pregnant naturally I wouldn’t be going in for a first scan until 8-10 weeks and probably wouldn’t even know my HCG numbers. the intense levels of anxiety I am feeling are probably Brain Stuff gone awry but also I think are a product of having too much info too soon, which partly gives me the illusion of control but much more strongly makes me aware of how little control any of us have over this process. this entire journey has been about just the extreme agonies of waiting through long stretches of time where you literally cannot do anything to influence what is happening inside your body. that is a hard thing to do! and a hard thing to accept! I am doing the best I can in the circumstances I am in!

but also I can probably help myself out a bit by asking about SSRIs and/or cognitive behavioral therapy sigh

[beenovel]

Just finished Wednesday (2022) here are my thoughts in no particular order.

Before I begin I would like to admit that I watched most of the show either with a horrible migraine or on very strong migraine meds that usually either knock me out or make me very loopy. So there may be intricacies that I missed. If you notice something I clearly missed, please point it out.

----

Good:

Wednesday actually visibly cares for her little brother so so much and it's so important to me.

Gwendolyn Christie, Jenna Ortega, Emma Meyers, Joy Sunday, Christina Ricci, and all the other female actresses???? Incredible. Gorgeous. Incredible displays of talented acting every last one of them. The men also did well with what they were given (more on that later).

The coroner came onscreen and before I even recognized why I knew him I started singing No Life Without Wife from Bride and Prejudice. If you know you know.

The lighting?????? The camera angles?????? The costuming?????? The set design????????? HOLY SHIT. Its some of the best I've seen in a LONG time. It's dynamic and interesting and fun. It's artistic and frankly beautiful. It is the look it is the moment. It somehow feels very natural and like it's also telling its own story through use of light and shadow and color. The fact that the principal tells Wednesday "you see the world as black and white and fail to see the shades of grey" while Wednesday wears black and white and the principal generally wears grey or silver????? Amazing. I could go on, I have nothing but good things to say about the artistic choices on this show.

Also, when I have a headache I have a hard time looking at TV shows because (especially if they've gone out there with the lighting) they can make my headache worse but I didn't really experience that with this show.

Enid is absolutely adorable and I don't feel her character was explored enough. Also I love her relationship with her dad, it really reminds me of me and my uncle.

I really really REALLY loved the theme of "teenagers do horrifically shitty things for reasons even they don't fully understand but that doesn't make them bad people and if they're willing to try and make amends they should be given a second chance". It is so important to me and I feel like in our current cancel culture that feels more like puritanical panic this is an important message for teenagers to see.

The respect I have for Principal Weeks is incalculable and I'm furious she won't be returning next season. She was the whole reason I watched the show in the first place. I love that she is respected both in the way she was written and by the other characters.

---

Not so good:

The show felt rushed and clunky, especially the first few episodes. I really wanted to enjoy the story being told but plotlines were introduced very suddenly and in awkward ways and then almost immediately disregarded. It occasionally felt like they were just trying to get through as many ideas as they could as quickly as possible so the audience would stay on their toes.

Eugene? Fantastic little autistic boy. I loved him, his actor did an amazing job and I loved his relationship with Wednesday and how that almost sibling relationship helped pull her out of her isolation a little bit. The other boys? Not so great. Let me make it clear that I think the actors did a fantastic job across the board, they made their characters actually enjoyable and were the only reason I was able to keep watching. However. The script they were given was not nearly as good. The male characters felt very flat and one dimensional which was a startling and unpleasant contrast to the female characters which were so interesting and detailed.

The only exception to the amazing actors was uncle fester. I don't know what it was but something about his voice made me anxious and I didn't like his face acting, whatever it's called. His voice felt more like voice acting which was out of place.

What happened with the coroner??? His death was never properly wrapped up, it was introduced as a way to frame Gomez (which made no sense, that would be like triple reverse psychology) and then we never actually found out what happened even though they made it very clear suicide would be weird because he was excited to retire.

I don't think the writers have ever actually been to therapy. Or they were trying to write a really terrible therapist who pushes her client way to far way too fast. I really wish they'd done more with the therapy plotline.

The Xavier storyline felt very uncomfortable. At no point did I feel like Wednesday was actually interested in him and he was just weirdly obsessed with her like Garrett Gates was with her mom. They even had the same brown medium long hair which meant I confused them when Garrett first showed up and it just felt like an unintentional yet uncomfortable parallel. I'm sure that's not what the writers were going for and I don't know if anyone else feels the same way but it gave me the ick. They had lots of time to make him likable and interesting and they just didn't. Instead we got creepy paintings and "you get lost in the music and I feel like that's the only time I can see the real you" which felt to me a lot like "I'm the only one who REALLY sees you Wednesday".

-----

Final thoughts:

Overall I really enjoyed the show. It was fun, the characters are interesting and lovable, the music and set design/lighting/costuming is fantastic and the riddles and stories were interesting enough to keep me watching. Sure, there were some things that annoyed me or I found lacking but I'd say it was a good show.

[my-time-at-brainrot]

my sandrock ocs and their pairings  :)

also a wip doodle of sonia and fang lmao

(current patch spoilers under cut)

Sonia and Fang, main save and also the one I care the most about lmao

Completely opposite personalities: Sonia has pretty much limitless energy, can talk for hours off of one tangent, very extroverted, just really excited to be around people and likes getting to know all sorts of folks, while Fang is... not any of that.

Both are the type to get absorbed into their work, but Fang gets in his own head over whether or not he's done something wrong to make Sonia stay away, but in reality Sonia kinda just forgot that she existed for a week lol

Tangentially related to the above: Sonia is so incredibly clumsy in day to day life. She trips over her own feet, falls out of chairs, stumbles when she stands in the same spot for too long, walks into walls, stubs her toes, etc. Fang first saw this after Sonia fell off of the observation table at his clinic, and thought that she had some type of balancing issue, but in actuality she just doesn't pay attention when she feels comfortable.

Because of this Fang is understandably Very Anxious about Sonia being involved with the Civil Corps, even though she is very much capable of keeping herself alive in combat situations

Sonia is usually the one making date plans, which both parties are happy about, though Sonia would like Fang to be more open about his needs.

sonia, preparing for a dangerous event: "nah dude, dude, dude i'm fine, i have hella plot armor i'm aight dude trust me"  

fang, remembering their last date at the saloon where sonia dunked her hand into blazing hot coffee after being warned that it was in fact boiling hot not once, not twice, but five times by owen: "...no."

As far as Fang's canon romance storyline goes: Fang slowly comes out of his shell over the course of Sonia's time at Sandrock, and their friendship (and eventual romance) is a very slow burn (that I still have to outline but I'll get to it when I get to it)

Sonia could not cook at all before coming to Sandrock. She ate raw potatoes out of the ground, dirt and all, "that's where the REAL nutrients are!" she would say. It was really only after Arvio's comedic failure with the Spicy Bean Paste that she gave cooking a genuine try. 

Fang was not aware of this until Juno joked about it during their first wedding anniversary. Something about Sonia putting in the time to develop a completely new skill on the off chance it could make him happy... made him emotional for a bit.  

There's one particular line from "Words to Betray the Heart" that say something about the Builder being so perfect and how Fang would be a burden on someone like that etc etc etc, and uh. Man. Can't really articulate it rn but in short it's rather important of a trigger for Sonia, so there's absolutely self esteem issues in both parties that have to get ironed out if this relationship can be healthy

Sonia did do the medical trials, and it went something like:

sonia: hm.

fang: ...

sonia: hey.

fang: ...?

sonia: i'm gonna drink all three of these at once.

fang: ?!?! 

sonia: *devours all contents of the bottles faster than lightning and passes out immediately*

fang: ?????????????? 

^ repeated for a comical amount of time until Fang finally bans her from FREE MED WEDNESDAY/FRIDAYS (TM)

Juno and Logan, the secondary save and heavily dependent on main story updates AND romance update in june/may :))))) so this is going to be rewritten without a question when the proper romance quests come out

so how normal are we about logan :)

Surface level: Juno is a Civil Corps monster hunter, Logan’s Pa was a monster hunter (and Logan is too lol) so they bond over sharing knowledge of the desert’s beasties and train together in remote areas of the desert.

Very early on, Juno develops a keen sense of... secrecy around Logan and the real nature of his departure and relationship to Sandrock as a whole, and ends up confiding in Elsie about his suspicions, but not much is really going on until Water Tower Moment (Gone Wrong)

Juno is, in short, the truest definition of orphan you can get. There is no one that ever knew his family, nor his parents’ names, or if he had any siblings. His memory only really starts around the time that he met Sonia, and being in Sandrock is only distressing him further about his lack of memories

That’s part of the reason that Juno is so drawn to Logan. The plot just doesn’t make sense to him. 

Can someone really love their Pa so much that the grief destroys everything they once loved? Can Juno ever know that type of love? (and other hurty questions)

Logan is tied to Sandrock, and keeps his hometown so near and dear to his heart. Juno... doesn’t have anything like that. If he died tomorrow, only Sonia would notice and care. No one else would even bat an eye. 

During the Duvos invasion, Juno goes missing. Logan is concerned, but quickly realizes that his concern is based in something more than simple comradery, and makes the super duper mega healthy decision to suppress his feelings. 

oh what’s this? oh boy oh boy! work in progress ocs!

Lily and Mi-an, the planned save for full release and a Builder power couple (and admittedly Mi-an the one I know the least about romance wise, but builder power couple cute)

With Yan arrested and awaiting trial in Atara, Sandrock is down a Workshop and Builder, which is especially bad news for the more remote villages around Sandrock. Sonia writes to her old friend Lily (her godparents’ daughter) and invites her to fill the position on behalf of City Hall. Lily is ecstatic and jumps on the opportunity.

Lily and Mi-an immediately hit it off and spend hours talking about various builder nerd stuff.

Out of the relationships I’m writing, this one is definitely the most casually, normally paced. 

Romance wise, they present a Heart Knot to each other at the same time, so they are on the same wavelength most of the time.

Mi-an has bouts of self confidence issues, but Lily is rather quick to hype her up and comfort her if needed

Similarly, Lily sometimes needs scheduling help, so Mi-an is happy to help coordinate commissions for Ultimate Productivity (So We Have Time To Watch Old World Romance Movies)

Armaros (they/she) and Owen, Schrodinger’s save (as in I have renamed this oc like 7 times and will probably rename her another 5 times) as well as the bachelor that I am going to take the most creative liberties with edit 4/23: mhm, i did in fact change their name an eighth time lmaoooo

Rose is completely, totally mute. They never spoken a word and never will, as it is physiologically impossible for them to verbalize their thoughts. No amount of “encouragement” will change this and they are very exhausted arguing this. 

Rose visited Sonia (former coworkers) in Sandrock about a couple months or so into her contract, and stayed at the Blue Moon during her week long visit.

Owen and Rose’s initial meeting is, well, awkward to say the least. It took Owen a little bit to catch on to why the blond wasn’t saying anything in response to him and only pointing to menu items, and he was very apologetic once Rose passed a note to him explaining themself.

Owen wouldn’t exactly admit that it was immediate love, but he was captivated by their general vibe and wanted to get to know them better

Of course, Rose did go back home to Highwind, but the two stayed in contact via letters. Owen writes very kind, cordial letters, and Rose writes in an elegant, poetic style. Soon the content of their letters would turn more romantic and emotional.

Rose has the special, unparalleled ability to quickly get people comfortable with them. Owen and Rose have similar warm vibes, but accomplish this through different ways. Owen talks to you like you’ve known each other forever, and Rose is a gentle attentive listener that takes her time responding/giving advice to someone.

Rose is pretty Church of Light religious in comparison to other ocs, so they do utilize some scripture and similar sentiments in their letters to Owen.

Until there is more Owen content, there’s not much else canon I can play with, so I will probably rewrite portions, but the general idea is going to be the same.

Bonus: a Rose and Fang interaction

Rose: :)

fang: ...Have needs, query X.

Rose: :|

fang: ...

Rose, holding up her notepad: (I’m mute. Please be patient with me. -w-)

fang: ...oh. (internally: thank you, peach...)

[captain-geeky]

Inarizaki Grey’s Anatomy AU headcanons

I've been currently binging Grey's Anatomy with more or less of an obsession. Now I've been thinking of an Inarizaki Grey's au/crossover in which:

-The third years are attendings (doctors who completed their training in their specialty and are supervising the residents. They can also take the position of the head of a whole department )

-the second years are residents (doctors who completed their internship year and are receiving training in a specific medical area. Also function as supervisors for the “interns”, the first year doctors who just finished med school.)

-Atsumu, Osamu, Suna and Gin were Kita's (when he was a resident) interns who got often scolded which was deeply terrifying. But it was always valid criticism about the decisions they made as doctors.

-Kita might've been a harsh and sometimes terrifying resident but he was so strict because he wanted to make the four aware of that mistakes can cost lives in this profession. But Kita raised them well as they've all become excellent doctors.

-their specialties are (don't ask me how came up with this):

Kita=neuro surgery (operating on brain, spine and nervous systems)

Aran=cardiothorasic surgery (operating on heart, lungs and other organs from this area)

Akagi=pediatric surgery (operating on fetuses, infants, children, adolescents, and young adults)

Omimi=trauma surgery (manages physical injuries in emergency situations)

Atsumu=general surgery (operating on organs within the abdominal area)

Osamu=orthopedic surgery (operating on bones and muscles)

Suna=plastic surgery (correcting or restoring form and function of organs, doing skin transplantations)

Ginjima= cardiothorasic surgery (Aran took him under his wing)

-Atsumu was disappointed when Osamu chose to specialize in orthopedic surgery instead of general like him because he hoped that he and Osamu would be an unstoppable general surgeon duo.They refused to talk to each other for days

-During their internship, the twins got stuck in an elevator with a patient who had a gunshot wound once. Aran was on the other side and gave them instructions on performing an emergency surgery on his heart. It was just their first year, so the Dr. Miyas were anxious af but they successfully kept this patient alive on their own. Aran was so proud and told them: “Atsumu, Osamu you two just flew solo”

-The four interns witnessed a surgery in which Kita, Aran, Akagi and Omimi worked together on their first day and they realized how amazing their senpais were.

-Aran is the cardio god. He’s known as one of the best surgeons when it comes to heart transplantations in the country.

-Aside from being a brilliant surgeon. Kita is also the best candidate to become the next chief of the whole surgical department of the hospital because of his impeccable leadership and his organised nature.

-kids love Akagi. Somehow he always manages to brighten the sick kids up no matter in how much pain they’re which is probably why he became a pediatric surgeon in the first place

-As the trauma surgeon, Omimi often leads trauma training with medical dummies who simulate victims of an accident for the subordinate doctors. "Atsumu, time’s up your victim just bled out.." "AWWW Come on!"

-Suna and Osamu once made out in one of the examination rooms when they were interns but Suna forgot his boxers which was found and pinned on the “lost and found” section of a bulletin board the next day. Kita was furious to see the boxers on the board and probably said something like this: "you can tell me whose goddamn panties are on the bulletin board. this is a hospital, people, serious work happens here, we save lives here" *menacingly stares at Atsumu, Osamu, Suna and Gin* "I know it's one of yours. It's always one of mine (interns), always..."

-Kita's granny was once admitted to the hospital and needed surgery. Yes, yes it was dramatic but in the end everything went fine cuz our boys are hella good surgeons. After the surgery, Kita sat next granny's bed and told her: "Well, aren't my colleagues amazing?"

-Osamu is constantly seen munching something. Usually it’s an self-made onigiri or chips and a chocolate bar from the vending machine. It’s a hard job and he’s a glutton after all.

-He owns a signature scrub cap with tiny onigiris on it.

-Suna is constantly sleep deprived. That man walks around the hospital looking like he’s just arisen from a tomb. He even told his interns to never ever (!) wake him from his naps during night shifts, unless the patient is dying of course.

Wow, more headcanons than expected….Someone please make a fanart or fanfic out of this!!! 🚨

[alienpupy]

About your top surgery:

Firstly, though, hoi! I'd like to say that I am happy for you, but I don't really feel happiness. Just nothing. But I am proud of you that you got the top surgery and seem very happy about it.

And going through your posts about it, I realize that I want top surgery, too. But I'm also genuinely afraid of the post-surgery time. And this makes me wonder, were you nervous or anxious before the surgery? (Also, apologies for the rambles and for not feeling the happiness for you)

no worries im happy to talk abt it :] i was anxious in the weeks and days coming up to the surgery, yea, but it was more anxiety abt stuff around the surgery than the procedure itself (like, ik several people who got top surgery at the same clinic and everything n they're super reputable so i wasnt worried about the medical aspect, just the preparations + i had to move appartments 10 days before the surgery + had to pack up AGAIN bc im actually staying with my parents for a month or two bc you absolutely need ppl to assist you with stuff during early recovery)

the closest thing to anxiety abt the actual surgery i had was one time a few weeks before it i was like "wait. what if i don't actually want this what if this is a mistake" and then to test it i put a bra and tshirt on and realized yeah no absolutely not thats just pointless self-doubt and i still hate these

it was rlly surreal tho if im being honest? idk if its even fully hit me that this was real and actually happened. I've wanted top surgery since i was like 13 but obv for most of that it felt like it was really distant in the future, and yet now that im flat it just feels. normal? like im still super early recovery so i havent actually seen my chest w/o the bandages yet but still just looking in the mirror with the bandages flat on my chest it just looks natural to me. its been less than a week and im already forgetting what it was like to have tits lmao (altho to be fair i've been binding for years so its not like they were ever a huge part of my life, just a major inconvenience)

and post-surgery really isnt that bad. i've complained about the weird nerve stuff, yea, but that does clear up eventually (altho ik it usually take years for the nerves to fully 100% heal, they're the slowest thing to regenerate). I've had basically zero pain, but i was still prescribed pain meds to take if i need them and given a lot of advice for healing as best as possible. the most important thing is definitely to have someone (or multiple people) be able to take time off to help you with everything (like, from food to drains to making sure you're comfortable and checking on you, you're not supposed to move your arms a lot or lift anything heavy for the first 6-ish weeks).

Post-op depression can be a thing for a lot of people too, but it hasnt hit me (at least not yet) and it can be avoided/mitigated by making sure you're not alone. having friends over, or calling people, making sure you still have games or movies or art to keep u occupied helps a ton.

also i dont think i've said it here before but i got top surgery at GRC montreal, and gender-affirming surgeries are covered by the government here in canada. I sent my paperwork/referral stuff there in may of last year, and it took them a couple months for each stage of processing but they gave me my surgery date (june 7th) a couple of months before, so (not counting the time to get a gender dysphoria diagnosis + letters from doctors and therapists and junk) i only had to wait about a year.