#or if it's our brain trying to split again

[mournfall-syscourse]

I'm glad you like the response~ we're glad it didn't come across as confrontational or anything. Ahh, mental blocks around some stuff, can definitely understand that. Hopefully it's something you can figure out why it happens, if it's safe to do so. Being tired and delirious is also very fair, we appreciate the clarification regading those parts. And yeah, we'll probably still ask some clarifying questions but if it's something you just can't answer, then let us know~ Apologies in advance for the long paragraphs too, we tend to have very long-form thoughts about stuff that tends to ramble, and we're not great about being able to trim them down'''. Again, responding paragraph by paragraph - though we found we had to split some into more sections because tumblr has some limitations regarding that, apparently.

Ah okay, that's interesting. We, kinda view ours the same, at a baseline. It's the same level as autism affecting our identity, or our adhd. We are autistic, we are an adhd person, we are also a CDD system. We would not be the same person/people if we didn't have either of those conditions. Even if we took away the disordered part of our plurality while still remaining plural, we would be very different people to who we are now. Even our trans identity is heavily affected by our plurality. Maybe parts of that are how connected we feel to our individual identities as alters, and feeling very disconnected to the identity of the body. It's hard to say. I think things shifted, with us, when our old host stopped being around. Your explanation makes sense, it's interesting that with similar roots, we still get to slightly different destinations, when it comes to this topic.

I will say, we are not very far along in our recovery journey. A lot of the strategies we do use were either self-taught through looking things up and figuring out how to apply them to ourselves, or things we learnt via friends. Some of these are potentially maladaptive, but they work for us now, even if we might have to change them in the future when we find better alternatives. We've started some amount of therapy, but it's been slow-going as far as working on the issues the disorder throws at us. A lot to untangle. As far as being able to see our plurality in a vacuum now, while it's not something we can see our plurality within as it is now, it feels like something that can become disentangled from the disordered aspects of it, one day. We don't know what that'll look like, but we're hoping we get to see it one day. Certain aspects of the disorder will always be present - our brain's default coping mechanism will still likely be to split or throw up barriers in the face of something that is too much to handle at the time, and we'll have to deal with that each time it comes, even after functional multiplicity. But in some ways, kinda because of the disorder, honestly, we end up being blinded to some aspects of it. We sometimes have to remind ourselves that we are disordered, or that certain experiences are disordered, cause the brain is trying to hide it. It doesn't try to hide us being a system anymore, but it does try to put up curtains on a lot of the negative stuff - which when that stuff rears its head is not a fun time. But those moments of things being hidden… and even the times we choose to kinda put those parts of the experience to the wayside when we're feeling particularly depressed about being dysfunctional, we find we're able to just enjoy being a bunch of friends and family and such in the same brain and body, just vibing, doing our best to live life. In a way, it feels like a taste of seeing it in a vacuum, even if we know it's not gonna be the same as what it actually could be, or how it would feel for a non-CDD system. And yeah, absolutely agree with the feeling that it's hard to imagine how things will look in the future. Non-CDD systems will still have some differences in functionality to CDD systems that have reached functional multiplicity, but we do sometimes think the experiences of non-CDD systems give a good idea of what it can feel like, what it can look like. Not identical, but still. I think our view will be different as we recover. In some ways already, we almost view our plurality as a plant, like a tomato bush or something. The disordered parts of it are like a weed growing around it, affecting the plant, becoming so entangled that you can't really separate them properly, especially not easily. Therapy is kinda like taking a gardening class, learning how to properly weed a garden - and getting the specific help for weeding in this particular situation, where the weeds are so wrapped around the actual plant. Over time, those weeds will be tamed, start to have a smaller influence on the plant. And even with functional multiplicity, those weeds will still be there, underneath the soil, and sometimes they'll grow more and start affecting the plant again and will need to be dealt with again, but for the most part, you're just left with the tomato bush - it's not growing quite the same as a tomato bush that never had weeds to deal with, cause it's learnt to grow and live despite that adversity, and while it's definitely doing better than it was, some parts of that change in growth are permanent. It's not a perfect metaphor, but it works fairly okay with describing our view of things in this regard.

I'm glad you liked the comparison there - and I do think that your points still stand, separate spaces are good to have as options.

Ahh okay, I can see those being especially weird to hear about if you've never encountered them before. We've definitely interacted with headmate creation before (tbh we tried it once just to see if we could, a few years ago). System-hopping, we've tangentially interacted with - it's a complex explanation, that I can give if you'd like, but it's also not necessarily the "same" as the system-hopping that's normally heard about - and nowadays we don't really hear about it much at all - though we aren't as involved in (pro-)endo spaces as we once were, it's mostly just syscourse and some close-knit friendships or communities that we really engage in for system stuff. Do you recall any specific odd interactions between plurals and their headmates? Or do you just remembering some feeling odd? System collapse, and all the adjacent or equivalent terms… yeah we've had experience with systems who've had that happen for them, and honestly there's a part of us that wonders if it's something we experienced when we were younger. Definitely a confronting thing to encounter, I'd be open to discuss our experiences and thoughts around it if you'd like. Weird urges as well, I'd like to hear if you have more detail you can give on that, too. I do think even the less-disordered-seeming presentations and experiences can vary quite a lot even amongst CDD systems specifically - and obviously the disordered ones can vary a lot too. We've met a lot of CDD systems over the years, and each one definitely has its own structure, its own way of doing things. Sometimes there's similarities, other times they can feel very different. They still generally make sense when you understand the roots, if you're trusted with that information, and apply that alongside knowledge of how dissociation and trauma stuff works with CDDs, but it can be hard sometimes. Having a ton of focus on those experiences makes sense, in a shared space, but I think it would have been nice to at least have a section of that space for the more CDD-focused experiences. This is actually something that's good to see even within CDD-focused spaces, actually - there are some experiences that are going to be more specific to certain alter types or roles. Persecutors are going to appreciate a space that's built for them, where they won't be judged, they can voice their frustrations and concerns, just be themselves and talk about their experiences, and for that to be fine. One server we're in (we mostly lurk in it though) has two channels for this: one for persecutor alters to hang out in and chat about what they want to, and an additional one for any questions or advice-seeking that non-persecutors can direct towards persecutors for trying to understand how to better manage their own (which the persecutors can choose whether or not they engage with). I think maybe with a similar style of structuring a shared space, that could very well allow for CDD-focused discussions to have their own space, with an additional section for those without CDDs (or questioning if they have one or not) to ask questions to better understand things. An idea, at least, for how shared spaces could better accommodate CDD experiences. Hm, I'd definitely be interested to see if you would notice similar differences in the way we talk about our own experiences, given we're also a fairly pro-endo CDD system. I can understand it being hard to explain those differences. It might be easier to work out some of this stuff in a more conversational format, than series of reblogs. If you'd be interested in exploring that, you're more than welcome to DM us, we can either use tumblr dms or exchange discords, etc. - You generally seem like a cool person overall, and someone we'd enjoy being friends with.

Ahh okay, I think that makes more sense when you re-explain it there. Definitely agree that there's more of a focus on shared spaces in the pro-endo community - it's inherently an inclusive kind of environment, or at the very least tries to be, at its core, even if it misses the mark at times. I can kinda see why the separated spaces could be seen as unnecessary by some, and perhaps that viewpoint suggests that a sub-section of the shared space that's dedicated to the specific experiences of one part of the wider group would be more comfortable for some than having entirely separate spaces. Personally we think both approaches have their merits. And we definitely dislike that some will demonise separated spaces - though we can kinda understand why, too. Non-CDDs may feel excluded, which… frankly in some cases is something they just need to understand that the space is not built for them. I personally wouldn't mind them being in the CDD-specific space as long as they don't make it about non-CDD experiences. There's also the question of where mixed-origin systems fit in, sometimes. Even those with a CDD still have a lot of experiences that fit with non-CDD systems, and in a space that's CDD-specific, I think it'd still be worthwhile to have a section of that space that allows for those discussions. The lines between those experiences is blurry, and mixed-origin (trauma-endo, etc.) systems kinda prove that simply by existing, and I do think that we ought to accommodate them too, within a CDD-centric environment. If we can't create a space for CDDs where every system with CDD experiences can feel like they belong in, then it's not going to be solving the issue, fully. It's going to leave some people to the wayside who should be able to benefit from the space. From talking to a mixed-origin system we know, some of their difficulties with CDD exclusive spaces is that it's often unclear if mixed-origin CDD systems are welcome (particularly those with non-CDD experiences as well). And if they are welcomed in, it needs to be done in a way that doesn't require that they basically hide their non-CDD experiences and pretend they don't exist within the server. Even for us, we'd feel uncomfortable if we couldn't talk about some of the experiences we have with our system that aren't specifically related to our CDD. I think the way it needs to be handled is rather delicate, but doable. Tbh if we had the energy to moderate such a space, we'd consider building one ourself - with some help of course to run it. For some, shared spaces are enough. I think it's also worth considering why people like the shared spaces, why they like the discussions that have very little to do with the disordered experiences, even as a CDD system. Like we mentioned before, sometimes we deliberately let the curtains go up around some of our disordered experiences, cause we just wanna vibe, and enjoy some parts of our existence as a system, without always acknowledging the hardships that come along with having a CDD. Shared spaces that are focused on those positive experiences - ones that non-CDD and CDD systems can both share, even if they're not identical - can be really nice and relaxing and joyful. There was a period of our life where we thrived in those shared spaces, because we were struggling with irl experiences that it was nice to take a break. Sometimes a part of the shared spaces is a bit of escapism, and it's not too different from any other space, like those for hobbies, where the focus is on having a good time. But, we do agree that these shared spaces should still provide space for the nitty gritty of being disordered. We think that'd make them more comfortable for us, too - and maybe we'd engage with those spaces too. We think they also need to be built around mature discussion - where managing your own symptoms is expected, to engage in the environment in a way that minimises harm where possible.

(Responding to the same paragraph as above) As far as separate terms go, while I don't think that every term should be shared, I also don't think they really need to be separated more than they already are. CDD is a very good label to separate the experiences. I'm not really sure what kind of terms would really be helpful with separating experiences more than CDD already does, while also not excluding those who sit somewhere in the middle of experiences. Perhaps this comes from our viewpoint of plurality all being on a spectrum, that they're not experiences that are separated by a pane of glass and only look similar - we think they're very linked. I'd compare the differences in some ways to those of CDDs that are polyfragmented vs not. We are not polyfragmented, and frankly we don't fully understand the polyfrag experience. Conceptually we understand it, but it's not something we can really imagine experiencing, which can make it difficult to properly empathise. Not to mention that polyfragmented experiences vary just as much as non-polyfrag CDD experiences do. There're a lot of grey areas, a lot of nuance. But we still know that polyfragmented CDD experiences are still linked to non-polyfragmented CDD experiences - they're both CDD experiences, but there're differences. To us, it's a similar difference with non-CDD experiences to CDD experiences. They feel linked, fundamentally, with regards to dissociation, but that dissociation functions differently, so while there's plenty of similarities, there's also plenty of differences, too. And mixed-origin systems inherently indicate the possibility of shifting from one part of the plurality spectrum to another part. So, while we think some separate terms make sense, we also think others don't. I think system and plurality both are fine to share. CDD is a separating term for those experiences, just as polyfragmented is another separating term within the CDD umbrella. I'd like to hear more about your concerns with the terms being as they are now, though - maybe you'll help us see something we're missing. I hope that our viewpoint doesn't come across as belligerence here, as well. Our viewpoint on changing terms, at least currently, is not "too much work for a pointless outcome" one, but rather "is this actually productive? does this run the risk of doing more harm than good? What alternatives are there that can do good while avoiding harm?", and I hope that comes across in how we've been discussing this. (Both sides struggle with this, yeah, hopefully something that can change over time.)

Understandable that this is difficult - mental blocks can be rough to work through, especially figuring out why they're there, and if it's safe to figure out why they're there in the first place - be careful, and we wish you luck and safety with approaching this block, when you're in a position to. Hm, I find this interesting, and maybe in part this is because of our different viewpoints with regards to the identity lens, as mentioned above. For us, our viewpoint of our plurality being so tied into our identity, feels exactly the same as the "autistic people" side of things is. I'm not a person with a system. I'm not a person with a CDD. I'm a system. I'm a CDD system. It is who I am, at a fundamental level, it's my identity, the core of my being and existence. I will always be a system. I will always be a CDD system, even if the system shifts to no longer be governed by the disordered aspects of the CDD. It's similar to our autism. It affects so much of who we are, we can't be separated from it, even if we have found ways to be able to adapt our live to accommodate for certain difficulties that being autistic to the point where it's become so normal and we rarely are affected by it negatively. It's a part of our identity, and our identity is also it. Our ADHD is the same (though I do wish it had a term like "autistic" that could work well so I don't have to say I have ADHD, I'd like an "I am X" term to use for it - ADHDer is fine in a pinch, I suppose), and honestly I think can fit our view of system stuff a little better than the autism side of things (though you could certainly use the different presentations and support needs levels for that too) - ADHD has different subtypes, generally being "inattentive", "hyperactive", and "combined". This doesn't work perfectly, as all forms of ADHD are a disorder, while non-CDD plurality is not disordered, but bear with me. We still have those labels of separation (subtypes) within ADHD, on top of the existing base (being the dopamine deficiency, generally). Plurality feels similarly, where there's still the same base - being plural, being a system, multiple, etc. - and then you have the separation labels on top of that, CDD vs non-CDD. The separation labels for both are descriptive. I'm still an ADHDer. I'm still a system. But including the separation labels, I'm a combined-type ADHDer, and I'm a CDD system. Endogenic vs Traumagenic have often been used as well, but given mixed-origin things and also the varied ways that people apply origin labels, it gets messy at times. The plural rings label viewpoint also falls short, with Adaptive being the equivalent term for CDD or Traumagenic, and while not inherently indicating origin with its wording, but rather structure, the rings themselves also do tend to have a lot of associations with origin through the other rings - spontaneous, created, and unknown, all being words to describe how the system (or a given alter) came to be, and adaptive can align with that too. It's hard to find labels (or sets of labels) that properly do everything you want them to while also not stepping on toes or excluding people that should be included. Moving on though, so we don't ramble too much more on this particular part - can always add more after your response to this.

Ahh okay, that makes more sense, then, I think. Shared spaces are generally going to focus on the most common experiences, for better or for worse. A lot of the issues tend to feel like problems with just how the shared spaces are structured, rather than the shared spaces themselves. There needs to be those sub-sections of a shared space that allow for discussions of experiences that are specific to one group but not the other - visible to all, but the discussions stay relevant to what they're meant to be relevant for. This applies on both sides, too. For non-CDD systems, having spaces for discussion around created plurality (willogenic and tulpamancy experiences - even sub-sections for each individually) makes sense, as not every non-CDD system has created alters, or is a created system. Sub-sections for non-CDDs who became systems unintentionally, or don't know how they became one, etc. as well. And the in-between experiences there too, unintentional created alters/systems. And on the CDD system side of things, you can divide different experiences up further, like different alter roles, polyfragmented experiences, potentially others as well - with some needing more care and such with how they're handled, due to some of the risks that can come with engaging in topics around certain aspects, but that's something that needs to be managed in CDD-specific spaces, too. The medicalised aspects of CDD experiences do get neglected far too much, in shared spaces. It does depend which spaces you find yourself in, but it's definitely not an uncommon problem. I can understand feeling like you're the token anti-endo in a lot of places, and while I do think there's endo-supportive spaces that you'd probably find people who agree with you on a lot of aspects, especially with your complaints of how the (pro-)endo community does things (we agree with you on a lot of it, as it is), those spaces will also include people with experiences you disagree with - and engaging in those spaces would need to be done with an open mind, or with the ability to just let certain aspects of that be without debating it. Approaching stuff you don't understand or that doesn't make sense with curiosity, gentle observation, and probably most importantly reading/hearing things in good faith can do a lot.

(Continuation of the section above) I think it also really helps to have people who look at even non-CDD plurality not from a medicalised view but still a psychology view, to talk to. It's part of why we developed our view of things being more or a spectrum than entirely separate experiences, because looking at things from a psychology lens and discussing that with non-CDD systems that we know who enjoy doing the same, really helps with seeing just how similar things are, while also recognising not just the differences, but the why of those differences, the how, from a more scientific understanding. A lot of the discussions are theoretical - I'm not a scientist, I can't prove anything, ultimately, but it's still interesting to collaborate on coming up with theories that feel plausible and make sense, and maybe could be proven right or wrong some day. A lot of our process going into a lot of this is to assume that the wider-spread experiences that people have are real - there's so many people with a shared experience that it would be kinda unreasonable to think that they're all making this up, or misinterpreting things. So then we try to ensure that any theories we come up with don't invalidate those experiences. Mixed-origin systems require that CDD and non-CDD plurality both must be linked - you must have a way to shift from one to the other. This does get a little messy sometimes with how certain labels are used inconsistently, but we've come up with ways of explaining things that account for those - and maybe they're not perfect, but we like them, and can always adjust them as needed. Keeping our worldview of all of this as flexible as possible so that we can adjust as necessary when new information comes in, really helps. Some parts of the structure are solid, other parts are more fluid, elastic.

We rambled a bit there, sorry - continuing on with responding to the next part of your paragraph (same one as above)

I'm sorry that you also feel like an odd one out even within anti-endo space. We haven't been in anti-endo spaces in a long time - the one time we were in one (it was for a PluralKit clone that no longer exists, but we liked some of the functionality that it had that was different to PK, as well as it being a very good back-up for when PK crashed) we felt like we had to be very very careful about what we said with regards to our views. It was very clear that if we dared breathe a word of not thinking that endos were either faking or just CDD systems that didn't realise it, we'd be ostracised and likely kicked. At one point it did come up, and thankfully we were able to defuse the situation enough to not get kicked (wanted the server for support with the bot, primarily), but it was not a fun experience. This was before we really got into syscourse stuff, and generally just had a "live and let live" mentality, but we also knew a couple endo systems and generally didn't have a reason to doubt their self-determination of how their system formed and functioned. It was probably one of our first experiences with a space dominated by a deeply anti-endo viewpoint (we'd had some tangentially before then but that was more to do with whether the space should have been CDD-exclusive or not - given the space had a mix of stances and generally wasn't a syscourse environment, while some sentiment of endos not being real/valid came up, it was often quashed, and the focus of whether or not to allow endos in was more the focus). Honestly, I'm curious what it's like in anti-endo servers these days - given how the anti-endo community has more of a divide between those who disagree with non-CDD systems as being a real and valid thing vs those who simply have issues with being around non-CDD systems and/or want nothing to do with (pro-)endo systems, CDD or otherwise, I imagine that the dynamic has shifted a lot. What's it like in those spaces, nowadays? From an outside perspective, I do wish that there were more distinct terms for those two flavours of anti-endo. It would also probably help with a lot of the discourse around things - the majority of flak that (pro-)endos direct towards anti-endos is primarily for the ones that don't believe in non-CDD systemhood at all - but due to the lack of separating labels within the anti-endo community (and frankly, a lack of understanding on a lot of the (pro-)endo community's side that there even are multiple sub-sections of the anti-endo community - something that we get frustrated by a lot and could make an entire post about, like yes I know it's still "anti-endo" and that generally has a history of meaning "anti-the-existence-and-validity-of-endogenic-systems", that doesn't mean that's what it means now, even if some of the anti-endo community still matches that description) then those who just wanna be left alone by (pro-)endos end up being caught in the crossfire. It's something that needs to be worked on, on the (pro-)endo side, but also something that would be easier to manage if there was more of a separation within the anti-endo community - even just as far as labels for stance within that. Someone we spoke to recently suggested "endo-averse" as a term, and honestly that's one that could work well - "endo-avoidant" also could fit. What do you think about this? Also I'm glad you've been seeing more people sharing your stance, and I hope that's something you've seen on both sides, too, even if one side perhaps has it more common than the other.

Gonna put this next bit in its own paragraph (apologies again for the length), even though it's still part of the same one from your response. A couple of friends raised a few good points regarding pro-endo CDD systems not talking about their disordered experiences as much - especially mixed-origin systems, so I'll include those points in here too. There are a lot of factors for this. Sometimes people don't really want to talk as much about their disordered experiences in general, they want an escape from them and will use the shared space with non-disordered systems to do that. Other times, it absolutely could be the issue of there not being an area within that space for that discussion to happen. Non-CDD systems do sometimes not do a great job of allowing CDD-focused discussions to just be about CDD experiences without inserting their own or demanding that their experiences be acknowledged and accounted for within the conversation. I think it's a loud minority, but it would be appreciated if the non-CDD systems that don't cause this problem could perhaps be a voice in telling those that do cause the problem to, well, not. Some pro-endos or pro-endo leaning CDDs do this, but it'd be more effective if it came from an actual non-CDD system too. Other than that, with the more positive-focused environment that a lot of shared spaces tend to have, similar to that of a hobby-based discord server, like one dedicated to a specific game or something, it's not necessarily the space for vulnerability (which, absolutely a good discussion point on its own), or at least doesn't really allow for it, sometimes. Some discord servers have had some amount of area that's good for vulnerability, but even then it's limited, and the amount of support can vary, often due to many simply not knowing how to support people through it. Sometimes it's also the more public aspect of it, many people don't feel comfortable sharing as much about their struggles in a public space, but would be more okay with it in a smaller one, or in a private group or dm or such, with people they trust. And perhaps this can highlight a problem with some shared spaces being just how big they are. It's hard for things to feel really personal when there's so many people in a given space. Even in a CDD-specific space, it can also create an amount of fear because that involves people with different syscourse stances (and in a way, separate spaces are still shared spaces, just with a smaller scale of what's being shared), and that can feel very threatening, depending on the experiences and stances in question. Like you've said, even some of the experiences that pro-endo CDD systems talk about still feel different, strange, foreign, for you. Would talking about those experiences be okay in your ideal of a CDD-exclusive space? For our own experiences, not everything feels super linked to having a CDD - and honestly it's probably something that will become more prevalent the more we recover, where more experiences won't be so focused on the disorder - happening alongside it, sure, but not always related to it - and those experiences will be more akin to those that non-CDD systems can experience - would we be allowed to talk about those experiences within the CDD-specific space, or would we be expected to not talk about them? Especially in regards to the lens of experiences changing with recovery, I think there needs to be care taken to ensure that the focus remains on CDD experiences as a whole, and not just low-recovery CDD experiences. Definitely could go a lot more into this but this paragraph is already gonna be really long, but if you'd like us to go into more detail, we'll be more than happy to do so.

(Continuation of above) There's also the discussion around created alters within CDD systems - we've made one before, and while she's since fused, if she was still around, would we be expected to just kinda not talk about her? Would she have been expected to stay out of discussions? What about other alters that aren't trauma-based within CDD systems? (I know what-ifs can be frustrating for you, from stuff that's been posted on your blog in the past, but they are very important to think about with how varied and nuanced being even just a CDD system can be.) With regards to mixed-origin systems in this kind of environment, many may not feel safe being in or talking about certain experiences in an environment where people who disagree with mixed-origin systems may be present. This raises another question: in this CDD-exclusive space, do you allow anti-endos that don't believe in non-CDD systemhood? If you do, does that mean you then disallow CDD systems that have non-CDD-related system experiences/history, or do you think they can co-exist? It also just makes sense a bit for mixed-origin systems to talk about their CDD-related experiences a bit less than non-mixed CDD systems do, because they very much have a mix of experiences, to a greater degree than non-mixed CDD systems do, so they'll talk about both.

Lastly, for this paragraph/section, I find it interesting that you found that created plurals in particular have a larger focus than any other kind of plurality within (pro-)endo spaces, by the sounds of it even moreso than non-created non-CDD systems. I do want to ask: How many pro-endo spaces have you been in, to see what it's like there, etc.? What do you search when you try to find them? What platforms do you look for them on? While I'm absolutely not going to discount your experiences, I do wonder if you've unfortunately stumbled into the spaces that end up being more dominated by non-CDDs and missed out on seeing the better-run spaces. We've seen spaces like those you've described, and can agree with the problems you're describing when we think of those spaces, but we also have seen spaces that don't have those issues.

Alrighty, onto your last paragraph. We can generally agree with a lot of what you're saying here, it sounds like it'd be a good way of structuring the community. A lot of the ideas here are subject to demand for them - additional separating terms (without necessarily changing existing ones) can be good, if enough people feel a need for them - obviously anyone can use a new label for themselves (pluralpedia, while not always great as a resource, has a ton of terms for different experiences, that range from hyper-specific to more broad - and some are more specific to CDDs, though most are either non-CDD-specific or are broad enough to be shared - many use some of these labels even if they're a bit more obscure), but if it's going to be wide-spread use of a new term, it needs to have people who want to use it. Maybe there's a demand for that, maybe there isn't. Even looking at spaces, equal number of shared vs separate spaces is still dependent on demand - but also we're free to make as many spaces for each as we please, really, thanks to the internet. It doesn't take much to make a discord server, it doesn't even cost any money. Running it, is a whole other question, let alone getting people to join - advertising it on tumblr or some sites like Disboard or such can help, but people will still only join if they want to join. I do think there is definitely demand for each, but shared spaces are always going to have more demand simply by virtue of being shared. I think overall though, your core ideal sounds pretty solid, it'd be a good way of running things. Do I think it's possible? I think it depends if we can get to a point where origin discourse can finally be laid to rest. I think that'll be a big dividing factor for a wider plural community, and it's a prevalent problem even now, that causes a lot of separation. We also need to work on the other problems in the pro- and anti-endo communities, but I think those are doable, if people are willing to change and improve things, and I hope people are willing to. Leading by example helps, I think. It'll probably take quite some time, but we can get there.

Thankyou for responding as well, and answering the questions we've had, I'm glad you've had fun with them~ You're also more than welcome to ask us questions as well, we also enjoy discussing our experiences and stances and such - and these kinds of calmer discussions while not necessarily agreeing on everything can be really insightful. We look forward to your response, when you're able to.

Huh, that's neat, one of the current syscourse topics is relevant to something I was thinking about earlier.

One thing that I see a lot of endos do that annoys the fuck out of us is they like to make conversations about CDDs about them. I know a lot of people reading that will go "No we don't!! Endos rarely ever do that!!" to which I say; just because you haven't seen it, doesn't mean it's not happening. I myself have seen this a ton, I see people claiming that "anything a CDD system experiences an endo can too", people saying there should be no separation of terms at all (very common to see sadly) some saying that there shouldn't be CDD exclusive spaces, that endos belong everywhere that CDD systems do, all sorts of things all the time. I've even seen a lot of people who rarely ever claim this kind of thing, knowingly or not.

There seems to be this idea that endos need to be involved in everything. Some believe there are no differences, some know there are differences but that they "don't matter at the end of the day", this idea that there should be minimal separation. So much push back at the idea of separate terms, and, as said before, endos making CDD experiences about them. They get mad if they aren't included in everything, and people seem to hate the fact that we insist on there being more separation, both in terms and communities, in regards to plurality. So, since syscourse is talking about it for once, I'll share our thoughts from an anti endo perspective so yall can see how this whole thing looks to an anti.

In our eyes, our plurality in inseparable from our disorder. We wouldn't be plural at all without it, and all the various symptoms don't just exist on the side of our plurality, like some seem to suggest. No, it blends together with our other symptoms, to the point of being nothing outside our disorder. A lot of endos talk about their plurality in a very different way we do, viewing it through the lens of identity, but for many CDD systems, it's always viewed through the lens of disability and disorder first and foremost. Seeing how they talk about their plurality, how they seem to experience it, how they deal with it, it's very different from how we and many other CDD systems do.

The thing is, our plurality can't be seen in a vacuum. We really hate (pro) endos saying they're "more similar to us than we think" because we genuinely can't see how. We aren't just plural, we aren't just a disordered plural, our plurality is our disorder, and our disorder is our plurality. I know many don't like people talking about it that way, but it's how things are for us. It's unbelievably frustrating to see people constantly insist that we should "focus on the similarities" and "just accept them" when it's hard to believe they really experience what we do.

I'll put it this way; AuDHD. It's the combination of autism and ADHD, and some think that you just have both of them, nothing special, but the truth is, they blend together to create something entirely new. Sure, we have similar experiences to autistic people, and those with ADHD, but it's not the same. I still feel as though my experience as an AuDHD person is still very different from people with one or the other, because both of them have become inseparable. You can't view our ADHD without our autism, and vice versa.

I know what I lot of you are thinking, "But they still can talk about their experiences and be in the same spaces!" Here's the thing about that; both still have the disorder. Both still have these similar experiences because they have the same diagnosis we do. The reason endos frustrate me so damn much, why I can't stand their constant insistence on making everything about them, demanding that we share almost everything, getting mad when I want there to be separate terms; is because they have only a few symptoms, usually only one or two, then claim that it's "so similar" to mine. That's what annoys us so damn much. Yes, I DO feel like there are tons of important differences, because while their plurality isn't affected by a CDD, because they don't have one, ours is completely entangled in our CDD. It's irritating because it's not just that we're multiple, it's that said plurality is constantly blending and mixing with all the other symptoms of our disorder. They claim to have it in at the very least, a similar capacity to us, and it's so irritating because theirs isn't so entangled with a CDD. Just like with AuDHD, our plurality blends together with our other symptoms into something entirely new. It's hard to put into words, mostly because I can't figure out what we would be like if we weren't so completely entangled with our OSDD. It's hard for us to view systemhood separate from CDDs.

That's why we want separate terms. This whole "Oh just use CDD system" or "Just say you're traumagen" isn't fucking enough. I know to a lot of people that's stupid, but I really can't see how just differing origin terms are enough to encapsulate how much of a different world it feels like we live in. I know people think we're being dramatic, but I just wish I could get people to see things the way we do, just for a bit. It's so hard to put into words, and I still feel like even if I could put it fully into words, I'm not sure (pro) endos would get it.

I may not remember the specifics on what we saw in the pro endo spaces we were in, but I remember exactly how we felt. It was so...alien to us, for lack of a better word. It really did feel like we were living in completely different realities from them. When we talked directly to an endogenic, despite the similarities, something about the way they talked about it, something about how they experienced things, still felt so wildly different in a way I can't fully explain.

And it's especially awful to see so many say "You don't need to understand, just accept it" so much of the "just get over it" sentiment. So much "Make your own space if you don't like it." It just feels so dismissive. It really, genuinely feels like (pro) endos and endo neutrals with a pro lean are just, doing whatever the hell they want and are ignoring us. Our discomfort disregarded as "just go to therapy and leave everyone alone." It really does feel like everyone aside from us has decided that whatever they're doing is the best. That just shoving everyone together is the best option. That separation is "just too hard" and "pointless" to even bother trying at all. I know many don't give a fuck about what we feel, or want to bother taking our discomfort and needs into account, but the thing is, we're far from the only ones that feel this way. Practically every anti endo I've ever seen feels almost the exact same way we do.

I know a lot of people see this stuff as just pointless, bigoted gatekeeping. But many pro endo CDD systems aren't particularly benefitting from how things are either. Sure, they feel differently than we do, I'm sure, but plenty have expressed a need for separation regardless of stance. I really, really want people to take the idea of more separate communities and terms and think on it. Even if things don't end up the way we want it, it's very clear that something needs to change, and frankly I don't thing this whole hyper acceptance and sharing near everything approach is working. Even though tons of endos seem to prefer being as close to CDD spaces as possible, it really doesn't look like this kind of setup is working for as many CDD systems as people think it is. I don't mean to speak over pro endo CDD systems by any means, I'm just saying, maybe giving at least a little bit of the more separation approach a chance would be a good thing.

I guess the point I'm getting at here is that being separate isn't always gatekeeping bullshit. It's not always the worst thing ever. I know quite a few prefer things as close as possible, but those of us who prefer more separation are being shoved out and told to fuck off and go somewhere else. Basically, it really feels like people are making a "compromise" where we get the short end of the stick and are told to just deal with it. That we just need to swallow our discomfort to make everyone else comfortable. So many people complain that anti endos are ruining everything, that we're taking everything over and not letting anyone else have room, but from our perspective, it's the other way around. In our experience, we're being kind of suffocated by (pro) endos everywhere. Which one's true, I can't tell at all, I'm just going off my own experience here. I'm just trying to say, I don't think that just letting everyone share everything isn't the best compromise.

And before anyone comes at us, going "Oh but antis need to meet us halfway!" Look. I'm doing my part as best I can. I can only do so much, I'm doing what I can, I'm trying to get other antis to be better too. Just because a lot of antis are unreasonable right now, doesn't mean it's not worth at least trying to accommodate for us, just like how a ton of (pro) endos refusing to talk to antis peacefully doesn't mean yall aren't worth trying to accommodate.

-Kaz

[habitual-creatures]

OOC

My brain is kinda mushy rn, but this blog is keeping me grounded and I’m so thankful that I met all of yall :)

Glad it's keeping someone grounded.

I'm barely lucid right now.

But yeah, I'm glad i met you too. Life would've been waayyy different without yall, really.

[impossible-rat-babies]

puppets bunker and ddos attacks have never been so much fun

[leafing-from-view]

i think i wanna take the time to tack onto this post i did since there's been a couple people actually viewing it. also hi! thanks for reblogging my post and getting it a tiny bit of traction.

so, as an inhuman alter who had originally split in case we ever did lose our comfort item... it's not bizarre or weird for something like that to happen. your brain continuously works on coping as a system, and while it hurts you a little bit more it's ultimately trying to help. now, don't quote me on this or take it as cold hard facts -- we as a whole are just a mentally ill adult who looks into the specifics of our own disorder for fun every now and again.

not to mention how into symbolism and hypotheticals i am, i can maybe at least give people some semblance of understanding of why what splits for what purposes? things like that, y'know.

abusers are the most common that split or maybe fictives split that remind you of people in your life, maybe they remind you of yourself, maybe they're just a favorite from a media you enjoy. abuser introjects take on whatever forms there are, like i said. they can be a mirror of the actual person they're based off of, they could be totally different appearance wise and just have memories from a third person perspective of the person.

your brain can do some fucked up shit to cope with trauma. we have an introject of our biological father in our system who has actively caused so many issues for us. but uh, i think i know why he split now? i've been sitting here trying to think about it for a while, a lot of us were stumped on how or why he was here but he does have a purpose. they all have a role, but they also don't have to be vocal about what their role is to them. it always really just is a guessing game with some of 'em. i'm not fully comfortable sharing things about him specifically besides the origins and that's about it.

in my specific case though, i'm technically in the role of "soother"? i'm one of the calmer people, i just kind of exist to make sure we're doing okay, bring us a sense of comfort. my "source" was this plush panda bear we had growing up into adulthood. we had it all throughout the discovery process, held onto it as tight as possible from being afraid of the consequences that would come with it, etc. collectively, we all found a sense of comfort in it and eventually when the stress grew too much and we had to get rid of it? i fully figured out my identity was just... the comfort bear. over time, you obviously change shape and have different preferences.

now? i'm just a little fella who's full of dirt, i'm a living cultivator for life now. it's really nice to think about? but also kind of complicated to explain if people ask me "hey, what's your source?" or "what do you do?". i usually don't have an answer, i just laugh and shrug like "oh yeah, i don't have a source" or "i don't really do much". i kind of shifted towards being a red panda instead of the traditional black and white panda bears. things like that, but yeah!

uhh, i didn't proof-read this post too much but i hope it adds some miscellaneous insight to reasonings behind introjects.

friendly reminder to any and all systems: you can introject anything -- abusers, friends you've been close to forever that bring you a sense of comfort, relatives in your family, fictional characters, comfort items, etc. and it doesn't make you any less of a system for any of these introjects. it's okay to not be happy with an introject (to an extent) based on their origin but keep in mind; this is their whole own person right now, they may not do or say the things you'd expect the actual person to say or they could be totally on point to the origin point.

doesn't make you any less of a system. and i'll keep saying that.

[jestoria]

It's 11:51 pm, and I've just learned that I can hold my breath for 1 minute and 48 seconds. Underwater.

Why did I test this?

...I have no idea.

[kiyoomiee]

part one. part two. part three. part four.

boxer!sukuna who’s been in the training room for hours now. Sweat trickled all over his body as his arms never stopped swinging.

“Sukuna, you’ve been here for more than an hour now. That punching bag will break any moment.” Toji voiced out as he walked in.

“What’s wrong with you?” He tried to ask Sukuna.

“She’s mad at me. Been ignoring me for two days now.” Sukuna dropped his arms and sulked. Fucking hell, he misses you so much.

“Ah that pretty doll? Couldn’t imagine her staying mad that long with your annoying ass.”

“She’s my pretty doll. Don’t call her that.” Sukuna grumbled at Toji but the man ignored him.

“What’d you do?”

“Her medical director was being a misogynistic ass, so I punched him on her behalf.” Sukuna smirked, remembering how gratifying it was to punch the bastard in the face.

“Heh, would’ve done the same if I was there. But didn’t it occur to you that she might not want you to fight her battles for her?”

“Why wouldn’t she? I could send that man in a hospital without even breaking a sweat.”

“That’s exactly why asshole. Besides, you’ve seen how she handles herself in her own field. So go apologize instead of breaking our goddamn equipment.”

boxer!sukuna who corners you in your office so you can’t avoid him anymore. Locking the door close and closing the blinds so nobody could interfere. He went looking for you right after finishing his shower.

“We need to talk.”

“Not here Sukuna, I’m working. And I don’t want to talk to you right now.” You can see where this was going, tears already threatened to fall in the corners of your eyes.

“No. We need to talk right now, or else I’ll go crazy-“

“You’re going crazy? You haven’t talked to me in two days Sukuna. Now you’ll stroll in here and break up with me?”

“Break up?“ What the hell?

“Can’t handle the emotional part of the relationship? I should’ve known since you’re-“

“Since I’m what?” His voice was loud and angry. It was the first time he got mad at you.

“How could I even dare to break up with you when you’re constantly in my mind? When I’m trying my best just so you could notice me? When I’d surrender at your feet if you’d only say the word? I’ve pursued you for months and waited for you to see me. Even with countless rejections, I would’ve continued to wait for the rest of my life as long as there’s no ring on your finger yet. God, my infatuation even turned into obsession.” He sounds dejected as he chuckled to himself in pity.

“Now you’re saying I’m here to break up with you? No baby, I’m here to get on my knees and beg for your forgiveness. Because I’ll lose my goddamn mind if I don’t have your attention on me even in a split second. Why can’t you see it? I’m so fucking in love with you that the thought of leaving wouldn’t even cross my mind.” He continued on and sighed in agony.

“Y-You’re what?” You were stunned. It was the first time he said that three lettered word.

“I love you so fucking much. So please, I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I shouldn’t have interfered because I know you could stand up for yourself. But I can’t say I regret punching that motherfucker in the face.”

“I know you won’t, ‘kuna.”

“Fuck, don’t cry baby. I’m sorry I was an asshole.” He got on his knees and wiped the tears that fell from your eyes. You leaned into the warmth of his touch.

“Yeah but thanks to your little stunt, that man was fired and I won’t have to deal with his misogynistic comments anymore.” You just finished talking to the higher ups and the HR a while ago, they assured you that they’ll handle the case and that your medical director will be terminated immediately.

“I’m sorry too Sukuna, for avoiding and ignoring you. I should’ve reached out to you sooner.”

“No, it was my fault. I should’ve reached out. It won’t happen again baby, I promise.”

“Ryo.” You called him and caressed his face.

“Hmm?”

“I love you too.” His brain stopped functioning when he heard you say that.

“A-Are you sure? I’m not pressuring you just because I said it earlier-“ Ears turning red, he was now flustered and asked just to make sure he heard it correctly.

“I love you Ryomen Sukuna, I’m very sure.” You expressed lovingly, together with a quick peck on his lips.

“You sure know how to make me crazy for you, sweetheart.”

[fluffylino]

serpent hybrid hyunjin 🌱🐍🌱

hyunjin never acted like this. you had never seen him behave so much like a serpent. was he experiencing an unusual kind of heat? did snakes do that...well u just gotta find out

i love this concept so much ill scream-

reblogging > liking

-contains mature themes (two dicks and a split tongue ahhh)

snake hybrids weren't exactly judged well in society. stereotypical beliefs calling them mean slithery liars who manipulate people.

they were just misjudged. misunderstood hybrids who needed affection too. maybe the energy exhuded made them look tough and deadly but deep down they were sweeter than even bunny hybrids.

thats why your boyfriend, hyunjin is always by your side.

theres nothing quite different about snake hybrids. except for the patches of scales on different parts of their body.

however some had no scales, instead just forked tongues. hyunjin was no exception. patient and mind numbingly soft at all times. snuggling into you every now and then.

thats why when you step into the house,you aren't expecting the strong whiff of a certain peculiar smell. its musky and fills the whole apartment.

you don't even know what you're smelling until you're embraced by him. his body warm, reeking of musk. intoxicating your senses.

"hyun-" you let out hurriedly, dropping your bag on the ground in shock. his face buried in your neck. hands running all over your body.

practically pushing you against the door, slipping his left hand between your legs while his right hand grabbed your backside. gasping at the way you seem to float off the ground. he's picking you up quicker than you can even process.

"what's going on? baby?" you say, trying to wriggle out of his firm hold. he's stronger than before and he continues holding you off the ground.

hyunjin hisses.

he fucking hisses.

and your eyes widen. thats only the second time he's ever hissed at you. once during an argument and right now. did that mean he was angry?

"heat." is all he says, huffing as he slams the bedroom door open. throwing you on the bed. not caring at the funny way, you bounced on the soft mattress.

"what do you mean? I thought snakes..don't get heats..."

you questioned. watching as he paced around the room, trying to control himself.

taking off his hoodie. arms out on display. shining with a thin layer of sweat. his hair soaked.

"fuck i don't know...i was washing our clothes and i got the smell of your shirt..."

he mumbles, and your eyes go down to where theres a prominent bulge in his pants. a wet patch staining the material.

"and its like my senses went wild. all I was thinking of was you. fucking you over and over again..." hyunjin slurs, his forked tongue peeking out.

"jinnie...your tongue"

you whisper. intrigued at how his tongue slipped past his lips every few seconds. he had never done that before.

"i can't control it-" he covers his mouth, gazing at you with needy eyes.

were his eyes always so sharp, you wondered.

"its okay baby, breathe" you reassure, opening your arms for him to come to you. and he does. resting his head on your shoulder, his weight pressing you down into the bed.

leaning into kiss him innocently when all of a sudden, his hands are on either side of your face, pulling you in for a needy kiss.

brain shutting off at the feeling of his forked tongue licking into your mouth. forcing you to be submissive because you knew you wouldn't win this battle.

.

🌱

.

"j-jinnie" squirming under him.

his hands pinning your lower half down. head buried between your legs. your toes curling everytime he maneuvered his tongue to simultaneously flick at your sensitive clit and slip between your swollen lips.

"shhh"

u don't know if he's shushing you or hissing at you.

because the next thing you feel is his fork like tongue pushing all over your folds. fingers digging into your hips with strength that had your cunt throbbing.

whining at the loss as he lifts his head up. teasingly using the tips of his wet muscle to prod at your bundle of nerves. face contorting in pleasure at your taste. breath heavy on your warmth.

"breed." he blurts out, surprising himself. your mouth opening in shock when his nails dig into your waist.

his nails had grown longer, into claws and the once hardly noticeable scales on his forearms became visible. gradient shade of black and grey.

"hyun! h-hyunjin, baby b-bab-"

writhing higher into the mattress as he pushed your legs further apart.

nestling his split tongue over your swollen pussy. teasingly managing to place your clit in the Y of his wet muscle.

had his tongue grown longer because you could feel him so deep...

.

.

"h-hyun?" you whisper, gripping his arm to relax your body for him. scales textured and rough under your calloused palm.

"m'right here, baby" hyunjin cooes. placing a hand flat on your lower stomach. eyes fixed on where he was prepping you.

with both his dicks. rubbing the tip over your folds while the other pressed into your entrance. leaking more and more slick that mixed with your own arousal.

"almost in, my love" nudging the first one in with extreme care. your fingers grasping at him. his jaw hanging open as he pushed in, groaning when he slid halfway in.

spreading your thighs so he could start to push his second dick in. the sensation and stretch making you cry in a mix of pain and pleasure.

snake hybrids had two features that only a person who they were close to, would find out about. a forked long tongue means their dicks are the same as well.

hyunjin was not particularly big. actually he was slightly above average considering snake hybrids had longer lengths and lesser girths.

hyunjin had thicker girths and the length of both his dicks were just perfect. neither too big nor too small.

but right now, he felt bigger.

he felt longer. he felt hot.

thats why when he pushes both of them past your entrance, you let out a muffled scream. eyes rolling back at the fullness. quite literally stuffed like this, for the first time.

"f-fuck gonna take me all in"

lowering himself to look down at you. his arms on either side of your head. placing his larger hands on your face. lips brushing against your open mouth.

"thats my precious girl~" and your pussy spasms around him.

getting him soaked because the way the word 'precious' rolled off his tongue, could make you cum on the spot. rolling his s's and a few other alphabets in a serpent like way. something he'd usually never do.

a firm thrust that has your hands flying up to hold onto him. clawing at his back while he buried himself deeper into your cunt. stretching you out with every rough movement.

the scales on his back were larger and travelled down his spine. groaning as you scratched down his back, hard enough to leave red imprints.

"gonna take my cum like a good mate, yes~" hyunjin hisses, watching you so closely. letting his tongue run over your front teeth, all the way down to your bottom lip.

you nod at his statement. wrapping your legs around his waist. pulling him closer. not caring if his patterns of uneven scales scratched you here and there.

plush lips kissing you with such intensity. his nose pressing into your cheek. pushing you deeper into the pillow. trailing a hand down to where your chest touched his. grabbing a handful of flesh and squeezing hard enough to make you arch your back.

taking the opportunity to thrust in deeper. your bottom half nearly lifted off the bed with his strength.

pads of his fingers pinching and pulling at your sensitive nubs. hooking your leg higher so he could change the angle. filling you up with warmth. it makes your eyes struggle to stay open.

this was nowhere near over...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

hiss hiss need more snake hyunjin ideas FUVKKKKK

part two

[jupiterpilgrim]

The Secret Folders - Or Surprisingly Exposed

Seulgi x Male Reader

word count: 4.5K

The horror movie flickers across the TV screen, casting dancing shadows around Seulgi's dimly lit living room. But you can barely focus on the generic slasher plot - not with her sitting so close beside you on the plush leather couch. Your best friend since college is wearing those damn gray pajama pants again, the ones that hug every curve of her toned legs and petite frame. Combined with a loose t-shirt that's always sliding off her shoulder, giving a glimpse of her collarbone; she's the perfect mix of casual comfort and unintentional sexiness that's been driving you insane lately.

"Earth to spacehead," Seulgi says with a playful nudge, breaking you from your wandering thoughts. "That's like the third time you've jumped at absolutely nothing. The movie's not even at a scary part yet."

You force what you hope is a casual laugh, hyper-aware of how her half-bare shoulder brushes against yours as she shifts position. "Just tired I guess. Long week at work and all that."

"Bullshit," she counters with that knowing half-smirk that makes your stomach do backflips. "I've seen you marathon horror movies until 4 AM after double shifts. Try again."

"Maybe I'm just getting old and jumpy?" You attempt deflection, but your voice comes out higher than intended.

Seulgi pauses the movie mid-scene, turning to face you fully with her legs tucked under her.

"Or maybe," she draws out the words slowly, dark eyes studying your expression, "you're distracted by something else entirely. Or should I say... someone?"

Your heart rate kicks up several notches. There's a glint in her eye that you've never seen before - something predatory and knowing that makes your mouth go dry. "W-what do you mean?"

"Oh, I think you know exactly what I mean." She leans in slightly, her vanilla-scented shampoo filling your senses. "See, the other day when I borrowed your laptop to print those work documents? I may have accidentally stumbled across some... interesting folders."

The blood drains from your face as realization hits.

Fuck.

Those folders.

The ones you thought were safely buried in obscure subfolders with innocuous names. The ones filled with carefully edited split-screen videos - porn on one side, usually featuring petite Asian women who looked just like...

"Your face is doing that thing it does when you're panicking," Seulgi observes, seeming almost amused by your deer-in-headlights expression. "The same look you had that time we almost got caught sneaking into the campus pool senior year."

You open your mouth to speak but no words come out. How do you explain away folders full of porn videos meticulously edited to display alongside photos of your best friend? There's no platonic explanation for that level of obsession.

"I have to say," she continues casually, as if discussing the movie rather than your darkest secret, "I'm a little hurt you didn't just tell me you were into me. We've been friends for what, six years now? That's a long time to keep those kinds of feelings bottled up."

"Seulgi, I..." you start, then falter. "I never wanted to mess up our friendship. You mean too much to me to risk that. And I know those folders were fucked up. I promise I'll delete everything! I'm so sorry you had to see that-"

"Shh." She presses a finger to your lips, effectively silencing your rambling apology. "I'm not finished. Because while I was surprised to find those folders... What surprised me more was realizing how much they turned me on. Damn, I didn't know you were such a dirty boy."

Your brain short-circuits at her words, unable to process this turn of events. Seulgi takes advantage of your stunned silence to slide closer.

"Want to know a secret?" she whispers, her lips barely an inch from your ear. "I've thought about you too. All those times we've had sleepovers, sharing my bed... I'd lie awake wondering what would happen if I just rolled over and kissed you. If I told you how wet I get when you look at me with those hungry eyes you think I don't notice."

"Fuck," you breathe out shakily as her hand lands on your thigh, fingertips tracing idle patterns through your sweatpants. "Is this really happening?"

"That depends," she replies with mock thoughtfulness. "Do you want it to be happening? Because I saw those videos you like... all those pretty Asian girls taking it up the ass... is that what you want to do to me? Do you want me to be your anal princess?"

Your grip on the couch cushion tightens as arousal shoots through you at her blunt words. Hearing your best friend talk like this is driving you crazy.

"Don't worry, I always wanted this too," she continues, voice dropping to a husky whisper. "Do you remember all those times I'd sit in your lap for no reason? When I'd 'accidentally' grind against you while reaching for something?" She grins wickedly. "That wasn't accidental at all. I've been trying to make you hard for months."

Your mind races back through countless moments - Seulgi plopping down on your lap during movie nights, wiggling her tight little ass against your crotch as she "got comfortable." How many times had you gone home afterward to jerk off thinking about it?

"I could feel it, you know," she continues, her voice dropping lower. "How hard you'd get. Sometimes I could even feel your cock twitch through your pants. It made me so wet knowing I was affecting you like that."

You groan, unable to help yourself. "Fuck, Seulgi..."

"And you know what really got me hot?" She leans in close, her lips brushing your ear. "Sometimes I could feel your cock right against my asshole through our clothes. The way it would press right there... god, it made me want to just pull my pants down and let you fuck my ass right then and there."

Your cock is straining painfully against your jeans now as Seulgi's dirty confession pours out. She notices, of course, and presses her palm firmly against your bulge.

"You still haven't answered me: all those videos you picked - they were all anal scenes. Is that what you think about? Fucking my tight little ass?"

Unable to form words, you just nod. Seulgi's hand squeezes your cock through your pants.

"Tell me," she demands. "I want to hear you say it."

Swallowing hard, you force yourself to meet her intense gaze. "Yes. Fuck yes! I think about your ass all the time. Every time you wear that fucking leggings, I can see every curve, how tight and perfect it is. I go home and jerk off thinking about spreading those cheeks and burying my cock in your ass."

Seulgi moans, grinding the heel of her hand against your erection. "Keep going. Tell me more."

The dam breaks and all your pent-up fantasies come pouring out. "I think about eating your ass first, getting it nice and wet with my tongue. Spreading you open and licking you until you're begging for my cock. Then sliding into that tight hole inch by inch while you take it all..."

"Fuck," Seulgi gasps, her free hand sliding between her own legs. "I knew we had a connection. Want to know a secret?"

You nod eagerly, hypnotized by the way she's rubbing herself through her pants.

"I have toys," she confesses. "Butt plugs, dildos... I use them in my ass almost every night thinking about you. Imagining it's your thick cock stretching me open instead."

That confession breaks the last of your restraint. With a growl, you grab Seulgi and pull her into your lap, crushing your lips together in a desperate kiss. She responds immediately, grinding her ass against your cock as her tongue invades your mouth.

You grab her firm ass with both hands, squeezing and spreading the cheeks through the fabric. Seulgi moans into your mouth, rolling her hips to create more friction.

"Bedroom," she pants, breaking the kiss. "Now. I need you to fuck my ass properly."

You don't need to be told twice. Standing up with Seulgi still wrapped around you, you carry her down the hall to her room, hands firmly gripping her ass the whole way. She attacks your neck with kisses and little bites that make your cock throb.

Once in her bedroom, you toss her onto the bed and she bounces with a giggle that quickly turns into a moan as you grab the waistband of her pajama pants and yank them down. Her tiny black thong comes with them, leaving her lower half completely exposed.

"Fuck, look at that ass," you breathe, taking in the sight of her small, perfectly round cheeks. You've imagined this view countless times, but reality is so much better.

Seulgi wiggles her hips teasingly. "Touch it. I've been waiting so long to feel your hands on me."

You don't hesitate, climbing onto the bed and running your palms over the smooth globes of her ass. Her skin is incredibly soft and warm under your touch. You squeeze and knead the firm flesh, spreading her cheeks to reveal her tight pink hole.

"God, it's perfect," you groan, rubbing your thumb over her puckered entrance. Seulgi pushes back against the touch with a whimper.

"Taste it," she demands, arching her back to present herself better. "I want to feel your tongue in my ass."

You dive in eagerly, spreading her cheeks wide and dragging your tongue from her dripping pussy up to her asshole. Seulgi cries out, pushing back against your face as you circle her rim with firm licks.

"Yes, fuck, just like that," she moans. "Get my ass nice and wet for your cock."

You alternate between broad licks and pointed jabs with your tongue, gradually working the tip past her tight ring of muscle. Seulgi's whole body shudders as you tongue-fuck her ass, her pussy dripping onto the sheets below.

"More," she begs. "Stick your tongue in deeper. Get me ready for that thick cock."

You redouble your efforts, gripping her ass cheeks hard enough to leave marks as you bury your face between them. Your tongue pushes deeper into her hot channel while your nose presses against her taint. The musky, intimate taste of her ass only makes you harder.

Seulgi reaches back and spreads herself even wider for you. "That's it, eat my fucking ass. God, I've dreamed about this so many times."

You pull back just enough to spit directly onto her hole, watching it clench and relax. "Me too. Every time you sat on my lap, I wanted to bend you over and tongue-fuck this perfect little ass."

"I knew it," she pants. "I could feel how hard you'd get. Sometimes I'd grind back extra hard just to feel your cock pressing against my asshole through our clothes."

You press your thumb against her spit-slicked entrance, watching it slowly sink in to the first knuckle. Seulgi moans and pushes back, taking it deeper.

"Look how eager your ass is," you tease, working your thumb in and out. "Such a greedy little hole."

"Only for you," she gasps. "I've been saving my ass for your cock. Now stop teasing and fuck me already."

But you're not done exploring yet. You've fantasized about this too long to rush it. Pulling your thumb out, you replace it with two fingers, slowly working them into her tight channel.

"Fuck yes," Seulgi hisses. "Stretch me open. Get me ready for that big dick."

You pump your fingers steadily in and out of her ass, watching in fascination as her hole grips and releases them. Your other hand slides around to find her clit, rubbing the swollen nub in time with your thrusts.

"Oh god," she moans, rocking between your fingers. "That feels so fucking good. Add another finger, please. I want to be nice and loose for you."

You comply, working a third digit into her stretched hole. Seulgi's back arches beautifully as she takes it, a long moan escaping her lips.

"Such a good girl, taking it so well," you praise, scissoring your fingers to open her up more. "I can't wait to feel this tight ass wrapped around my cock."

"Please," she whimpers. "I need it. Need your cock in my ass so bad."

You continue finger-fucking her ass while your other hand works her clit, building her up slowly. Seulgi's moans get higher and more desperate as she approaches orgasm.

"That's it," you encourage. "Cum for me. Cum with my fingers in your ass."

Seulgi's whole body tenses as she crashes over the edge, her ass clenching rhythmically around your fingers as she cums. You work her through it, only stopping when she collapses bonelessly onto the bed.

"Holy fuck," she pants, looking back at you with glazed eyes. "That was so good."

You slowly withdraw your fingers, admiring how her hole stays slightly open. "Just wait until you feel my cock in there."

"Yes please," she purrs, rolling onto her back. "But first, get naked. I want to see what I've been missing."

You quickly strip off your clothes, your cock springing free rock hard and leaking. Seulgi's eyes go wide as she takes in your size.

"Fuck, you're bigger than my toys," she says appreciatively. "No wonder I could feel you so well through your pants."

She sits up and pulls her t-shirt off, revealing small, perky breasts with hard nipples. Your mouth waters at the sight of her toned body, tight abs leading down to her bare pussy.

"Come here," she beckons, reaching for your cock. "Let me get you nice and wet first."

You move closer and Seulgi wraps her small hand around your shaft, stroking slowly. Pre-cum leaks from the tip and she uses it to lubricate her movements.

"I've wanted to touch your cock for so long," she admits, leaning in to lick a stripe up the underside. "Every time I felt it getting hard under me, I wanted to pull it out and suck it."

Her tongue swirls around the head before she takes you into her mouth. You groan as she sucks you deeper, her hand working what doesn't fit.

"Fuck, your mouth feels amazing," you pant, threading your fingers through her hair.

Seulgi hums around your cock, the vibrations making your legs shake. She works you expertly, alternating between deep throat attempts and focusing on the sensitive head.

After a few minutes of this heavenly torture, you have to stop her. "Wait, I don't want to cum yet. I want to save it for your ass."

She releases you after a long suck on the tip. "Mmm, yes please. I want you to cum deep in my ass."

Seulgi rolls over onto her hands and knees, presenting her ass to you once again. "I need your cock in my ass so bad, babe. The lube is on the nightstand."

You grab the bottle and drizzle it generously over her hole and your cock. Using your fingers, you work it into her ass, making sure she's well-prepared.

"Ready?" you ask, lining yourself up with her entrance.

"God yes," she moans. "Fill my ass with that big cock."

You press forward slowly, watching the head of your cock stretch her tight ring of muscle. Seulgi whimpers as you breach her, her hands fisting in the sheets.

"You okay?" you check, pausing to let her adjust.

"Yes, don't stop," she pants. "Keep going. I want all of it."

You continue pushing forward inch by inch, groaning at the incredible tightness of her ass. Seulgi rocks back slightly, helping to work you deeper.

"Fuck, you're so big," she gasps. "My ass feels so full."

Finally, you bottom out, your hips pressed flush against her ass cheeks. You both moan at the sensation of being completely joined.

"How does it feel?" you ask, running your hands over her back.

"Amazing," she breathes. "Better than I ever imagined. Start moving, please. I need you to fuck my ass."

You pull back slowly until just the head remains inside, then push back in at the same pace. Seulgi's ass grips you like a vice, sending waves of pleasure through your body.

"God, your ass is perfect," you groan, establishing a steady rhythm. "So fucking tight around my cock."

"Yes, fuck my ass," she moans. "Use my tight little hole. I've been saving it just for you."

You gradually increase your pace, watching in fascination as her ass swallows your cock over and over. The sight of your shaft disappearing into her stretched hole is hypnotic.

Seulgi reaches between her legs to play with her clit as you fuck her ass. "Harder," she demands. "I can take it. I want you to really fuck me."

You grip her hips tighter and start pounding into her ass with more force. The sound of skin slapping against skin fills the room, mixed with both of your moans and gasps.

"Yes, just like that," she cries. "Fuck my ass hard. Make me your anal whore."

Her dirty talk spurs you on and you slam into her even harder, watching her small body jolt with each thrust. Your balls slap against her pussy, adding to the obscene symphony of sounds.

"You like that?" you growl, spanking her ass cheek. "Like having your tight little ass stretched around my cock?"

"God yes," she pants. "I love it. Love feeling you so deep in my ass. Don't stop, please don't stop!"

You can feel her getting close again, her ass clenching rhythmically around your cock as she works her clit faster. The extra tightness is bringing you closer to the edge too.

"Gonna cum soon," you warn, your thrusts becoming more erratic.

"Inside," she begs. "Cum in my ass! Fill me up with your hot load."

The combination of her words and her tight ass proves too much. With a final deep thrust, you explode inside her, painting her walls with rope after rope of cum. The feeling of being filled triggers Seulgi's own orgasm and she screams your name as she cums hard around your cock.

You continue pumping slowly, working both of you through your climaxes until you're completely spent. It's when you collapse forward, careful not to crush her smaller frame. Both of you pant heavily as you come down from your respective highs.

"Stay inside me," she murmurs when you start to pull out. "I want to feel your cum in my ass as long as possible."

You comply, remaining buried in her stretched hole as it continues to pulse around your softening cock.

"Fuck, that's hot," you groan, bringing your face closer to kiss her neck. Her tight hole squeezes you and you can feel your cum starting to leak out around your shaft.

"I can't believe we finally did this," Seulgi says softly, turning her head to look at you with those beautiful eyes that always drive you crazy. "I've wanted you for so long..."

"Really?" you ask, genuinely surprised. "I had no idea. I mean, I've always been attracted to you too but I figured I wasn't your type."

She lets out a little laugh. "Are you kidding? You're exactly my type. I've been fantasizing about you fucking me like this for years." She rolls her hips slightly, making you both moan as your semi-hard cock shifts inside her cum-filled ass.

"Why didn't you ever say anything?" you ask, running your hands up and down her smooth back.

"Same reason as you probably - didn't want to risk ruining our friendship," she admits. "Plus I wasn't sure if you saw me that way. I mean, you were always so shy, never showing any obvious interest, despite your glances at me... It was hard to decipher what you really wanted."

"Well, now you know what I really want. Do you know how many times I've jerked off thinking about that perfect little ass of yours?" You give her ass cheeks a squeeze for emphasis. "Or those cute little tits? Or those fucking gorgeous lips wrapped around my cock?"

Seulgi moans softly at your words, her ass clenching around you again. "Mmm tell me more... What else did you think about doing to me?"

You can feel your dick starting to harden again inside her as you continue: "Fuck, everything. Bending you over every surface in my apartment. Watching you bounce on my cock. Filling all your tight little holes with cum. The way you'd look with my dick stretching out that pretty mouth..."

"God yes," she whimpers, beginning to slowly grind against you. Your cock is definitely getting hard again now, making her gasp as it swells inside her ass. "I used to imagine you just grabbing me one day and taking what you wanted. Pushing me up against a wall and shoving your big cock inside me..."

"Yeah? You wanted me to just use you like a little fucktoy?"

"Yes! Fuck yes," she confesses. "I wanted you to treat me like your personal cumslut. Make me take that fat cock however you wanted..."

Your dick is fully hard again now, throbbing inside her cum-filled ass. You can feel your previous load still leaking out around your shaft as she continues grinding against you.

"Well now we can make up for lost time," you tell Seulgi as you pull out of her slowly, laying on your back on the bed as you pull her on top of you. "I'm going to fuck this tight little ass whenever I want now. Fill you up with load after load of cum..."

"Promise?" she asks breathlessly, grabbing your cock in her hand as she slowly reinserts it into her ass, sitting on top of you. The new angle lets you fully appreciate her perfect petite body - those perky tits, flat stomach, and that incredible ass currently impaled on your shaft.

"Fuck yes I promise. But now I want to see your perfect little body riding my cock..." You grab her hips and thrust up into her, making her cry out in pleasure.

"Oh god! Yes! Let me ride you," Seulgi purrs. She starts rolling her hips experimentally, getting used to the feeling of controlling the penetration. Your previous load of cum makes obscene wet sounds as she moves, some of it leaking out around your cock and dripping onto your balls. The sight of your thick shaft disappearing into her tight little hole is fucking mesmerizing.

"Fuck, you look so hot like this," you groan, gripping her slim hips. Her ass clenches around you at the compliment, making you both moan.

"Yeah? You like watching me bounce on your big cock?" she asks breathlessly, starting to lift herself up and down properly now. The way she moves is absolutely perfect - she clearly knows exactly what she wants and how to get it.

"God yes, love watching this tight little ass take my cock," you tell her, giving her ass cheeks a squeeze. "Such a perfect little slut, riding me like you were made for it..."

Seulgi throws her head back and really starts going for it, bouncing enthusiastically on your dick. Her small tits bounce with the movement and you reach up to pinch her hard nipples, making her cry out in pleasure. The wet sounds of your cum squelching around your shaft get even louder as she picks up speed.

"Fuck! Your cock feels so good in my ass," she pants, grinding down hard against you. "Love feeling it stretch me open... Love having your cum inside me..."

You thrust up to meet her movements, driving your cock deeper into her tight hole. The way she's riding you is absolutely incredible - her ass is still gripping your shaft like a vice even after taking your first load. Every time she drops down, taking you balls deep, she lets out these perfect little whimpers that drive you crazy.

"That's it baby, ride that cock," you encourage her, running your hands up her sides to cup her tits. "Show me how badly you've wanted this..."

"Wanted it so bad," she moans, bouncing faster. "Dreamed about riding your big cock like this... Feeling you stretch my tight little ass..."

Her dirty talk spurs you on and you start thrusting up harder, making her cry out with each deep stroke. The sight of your shaft disappearing into her perfect ass over and over, still slick with your previous load, is absolutely incredible. Some of your cum is leaking out around your cock, running down onto your balls in thick white streams.

"Such a perfect little anal slut," you growl, squeezing her tits roughly. "Taking my cock so well, begging for more... Were you always this much of a cumslut or is it just for me?"

"Just for you," she gasps, grinding down hard. "Never wanted anyone else like this... Never begged for anyone else's cum..."

Her words make your cock throb inside her and you start really pounding up into her tight hole. The way she's moving her hips is absolutely perfect, grinding down to take you as deep as possible before lifting up until just the tip remains inside her. Her ass clenches around you each time she rises up, like she doesn't want to let your cock go.

"Fuck yes, ride that dick," you encourage her, gripping her hips tightly. "Show me how badly you want another load in this tight little ass..."

"Want it so bad," she moans, bouncing frantically now. "Want you to fill me up again... Want even more of your hot cum deep inside me..."

The sight of her riding you like this is absolutely incredible. Her perfect little body bouncing on your cock, her tight ass gripping and milking your shaft, the way your previous load is leaking out around your cock - it's all driving you crazy with lust.

"Gonna fill this tight hole up again," you grunt, squeezing her ass roughly. "Paint your insides white with another huge load..."

"Yes! Please cum in my ass again," she begs, grinding down hard. "Want to feel you pump me full... Want your hot cum deep inside me..."

You can feel your orgasm building as she continues riding you frantically, her tight hole milking your cock perfectly.

"Fuck, I'm close," you warn her, gripping her hips tightly. "Gonna fill this perfect little ass up again..."

"Do it! Cum inside me," she moans, grinding down hard. "Fill me up, mark me as yours..."

A few more bounces and you're there, groaning loudly as you start pumping another huge load deep in her ass. Seulgi cries out and clenches around you, her own orgasm hitting as she feels your hot cum flooding her insides.

"Oh god, yes! I can feel it," she gasps, grinding against you as you continue spurting inside her. "So much cum... Filling me up so good..."

You thrust up a few more times, making sure to deposit every drop of cum as deep as possible in her tight hole. When you're finally spent, she collapses forward onto your chest, her sweat-slick skin sliding against yours, both of you breathing heavily as your softening cock remains buried in her thoroughly fucked and cum-filled ass.

"That was fucking incredible," you pant, running your hands up and down her back.

"Mmm it really was," she agrees, nuzzling against your neck. "Best night ever. We definitely need to do this again. Like, a lot."

"Oh we will," you assure her with a grin. "I meant what I said - I'm going to use this perfect little ass whenever I want now. You’re mine. Officially. No take-backs.”

Her grin softens into something more genuine, and she cups your face, her thumb brushing over your cheek. “So we’re doing this? Like, actually doing this?”

“Hell yes, we are,” you reply without hesitation. “We’ve wasted enough time pretending we didn’t want this. And now that I know how good we are together, you really think I’m letting you go?”

She pulls you into a kiss, slow and deep. “Good. Because I don’t want to go anywhere. I'm stuck with you now.”

“Stuck with me?” you repeat, smirking. “Babe, I'm the one who'll have to deal with your insane ass from now on. If anyone’s ‘stuck,’ it’s me.”

“Oh, please,” she fires back, rolling her eyes. “You love my insane ass.”

“Damn right, I do,” you say, sliding a hand down to squeeze it for emphasis. “And I plan on showing you just how much, every chance I get.”

She laughs, wrapping her arms around your neck. “God, we’re so screwed up. Who the hell starts a relationship like this?”

You shrug, leaning down to kiss her again. “Us, apparently. And honestly? I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

The two of you stay tangled up in each other, talking and teasing until the conversation drifts back to the years of near-misses and unspoken feelings. It’s all out in the open now, and for the first time, it feels like everything’s exactly where it’s supposed to be.

—

You slowly open your eyes, still groggy from last night's intense activities. The morning sunlight filters through the curtains of Seulgi's bedroom, casting a warm glow across the messy sheets. Your naked body feels pleasantly sore as memories from yesterday flood back - how your petite best friend discovered those edited porn videos you made of her, and instead of getting pissed off, she got turned on. Who would've thought sweet little Seulgi was such a dirty girl?

The bed beside you is empty but still warm. You stretch lazily, enjoying the lingering scent of sex in the air mixed with her perfume. Your morning wood is already throbbing as you replay highlights from last night - Seulgi's tight little ass bouncing on your cock, her moans when you ate her holes, the way she begged for more...

The bedroom door opens and there she is - your best friend in all her sweaty glory. She's wearing a sports bra that shows off her perky tits and skin-tight leggings that hug every curve. Her skin glistens with perspiration, loose strands of hair sticking to her flushed face. Your cock instantly gets even harder.

"Good morning, sleepyhead!" Seulgi chirps, grabbing a towel to wipe her face. "Hope you don't mind, I always do my morning workout. Gotta keep this body tight, you know?" She strikes a playful pose.

"Fuck, you look incredible all sweaty like that," you growl, drinking in her athletic form. The way those leggings cling to her ass should be illegal. "Your body is fucking perfect."

She bites her lip, clearly pleased by the compliment. "Mmm, someone slept well I see," she says, eyeing your obvious erection beneath the sheets. "Still naked under there?"

"Want to come find out for yourself?"

"Actually..." Seulgi's eyes gleam with mischief. "I could use some extra cardio. Work up even more of a sweat..."

You throw back the sheets, exposing your rock-hard cock. "Get that sexy ass over here then."

Seulgi saunters toward the bed, her hips swaying. The musky scent of her post-workout sweat hits your nostrils and makes your mouth water. When she gets close enough, you grab her wrist and pull her down on top of you.

"Mmm, someone's eager," she giggles, grinding against your erection through her leggings.

You bury your face in her neck, inhaling deeply. The salty tang of her sweat mixed with her natural scent is intoxicating. Your tongue darts out to taste her glistening skin, trailing up to her ear.

"Fuck, you taste so good all sweaty," you growl. "I want to lick every inch of you."

Seulgi moans as you suck and nibble at her neck, leaving marks. Your hands roam over her toned body, squeezing her ass through those sinfully tight leggings. You've fantasized about her in workout clothes so many times, and now you finally get to live it out.

Your mouths crash together in a heated kiss. She tastes like mint - must have brushed her teeth before working out. Your tongues battle for dominance as you grind against each other. One hand slides up under her sports bra to pinch a hard nipple.

"These fucking leggings," you groan between kisses. "Do you know how many times I've jerked off thinking about ripping them open and fucking you in them?"

"Show me," she purrs. "Make those dirty fantasies real."

You don't need to be told twice. Gripping the fabric between her legs, you tear a hole right over her pussy and ass. The sound of ripping material fills the room as Seulgi gasps.

"Fuck yes, ruin them," she moans. "I love how fucking nasty you are."

You run your fingers over her exposed holes. Her pussy is already dripping wet, her asshole still slightly gaped from last night's pounding.

"I gotta admit, I'm gonna miss these leggings," Seulgi whines, but her pussy visibly clenches at the dominant display.

"I'll buy you new ones," you reply, tearing the hole wider until it extends from her lower back to her upper thighs. The torn edges frame her holes perfectly. "Now get to work on my cock while I eat this pretty pussy.”

She straddles your face in reverse, giving you a perfect view of her holes as she wraps her lips around your throbbing shaft. You groan at the wet heat enveloping your cock, the vibrations making her moan around you.

You spread her ass cheeks wide, admiring how her holes glisten with arousal. Her pussy is swollen and pink, cream already gathering at her entrance. Her tight asshole clenches invitingly.

"Such a pretty view," you murmur before diving in, dragging your tongue from her clit all the way up to her asshole. She shudders and moans around your cock, taking you deeper.

You alternate between broad licks through her folds and targeted flicks against her clit, gathering her tangy juices on your tongue. Her thighs start trembling as you suck her sensitive nub, her own oral efforts becoming sloppier as pleasure overtakes her.

"Mmmph!" she gags slightly as you thrust up into her throat, your hands gripping her ass to hold her in place. Tears gather in her eyes but she doesn't pull away, relaxing her throat to take you deeper.

You release her clit with a wet pop. "Good girl, taking my cock so deep while I eat this pussy." You punctuate your words by spearing your tongue into her dripping hole, tasting her deepest parts.

Her hips start grinding against your face as you tongue-fuck her, smearing her juices all over your chin. The torn leggings frame the erotic sight perfectly, the ripped edges emphasizing how thoroughly you're debauching her.

You pull back slightly to admire your work - her pussy is even more swollen now, her inner lips puffy and glistening. Her clit stands out prominently, begging for more attention. Above, her asshole clenches rhythmically, practically begging to be played with.

You drag your tongue up to circle her puckered entrance. Seulgi's whole body jerks at the contact, a muffled moan vibrating around your cock.

"Your ass is perfect," you murmur against her skin before diving back in, circling her rim with firm pressure. Her resistance melts away as you continue the rimming, replaced by breathy moans and hip rolls against your face.

You alternate between her holes - tongue-fucking her pussy until she's dripping, then moving up to tease her ass until it's quivering. Her own oral efforts match your intensity, her throat muscles massaging your cock as she deep throats you.

"Such a dirty girl," you growl between licks. "Getting your ass eaten while deepthroating cock... I bet you were planning this when you invited me to watch a fucking horror movie yesterday.”

She pulls off your cock with a gasp. "And it worked so we- Oh fuck, don't stop... feels so good..." She immediately swallows you back down, sucking with renewed vigor.

You focus your attention on her asshole, pointing your tongue to breach the tight ring of muscle. She practically squeals around your cock as you tongue-fuck her ass, her thighs shaking uncontrollably.

Her pussy is dripping steadily now, cream coating your chin and neck. You reach up to gather some on your fingers, using it to lubricate her asshole as you continue eating it. One finger slides in easily alongside your tongue, making her whole body jerk.

"Gonna make you cum just from eating your ass," you promise, working a second finger into her tight hole while your tongue continues circling the rim. Your other hand moves to her clit, rubbing quick circles on the swollen nub.

She's barely sucking your cock anymore, just holding it in her mouth as she pants and moans. Her hips rock desperately between your fingers and tongue, chasing her release.

"That's it baby, ride my face," you encourage, curling your fingers inside her ass while flicking her clit rapidly. "Want to feel you cum all over my chin..."

Her inner muscles start fluttering around your fingers as her orgasm approaches. You double down on your efforts, tongue and fingers working in harmony to push her over the edge.

She pulls off your cock with a cry as she starts cumming, her whole body convulsing. "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuuuuck!" Her pussy gushes, coating your chin and neck with cream as her ass clenches rhythmically around your fingers.

You work her through it until she's whimpering from oversensitivity, then slowly withdraw your fingers. Her holes clench around empty air, still quivering from the intense orgasm.

"I-I n-need your cock in my pussy," she pants. "You didn't even fuck it last night because you were so focused on my ass. Time to make up for that."

You give her holes one last long lick before letting her climb off your face. Seulgi turns around and straddles your hips, rubbing her dripping pussy along your shaft.

"Watch how easily your big cock stretches my little hole," she purrs, positioning you at her entrance.

You groan as she sinks down, taking you balls deep in one smooth motion. Her pussy grips you like a vice, so hot and wet around your throbbing member.

"Fuck, you're so tight," you growl, gripping her hips. "Ride that cock, baby. Show me how bad you want it."

Seulgi starts bouncing on your shaft, her perky tits bouncing in the sports bra. Sweat drips down her toned stomach as she works herself on your cock. You reach up to pinch her nipples through the fabric, making her clench around you.

"Your pussy feels amazing," you moan. "So fucking wet for me."

She speeds up her movements, slamming down to take you as deep as possible. Her pussy makes obscene squelching sounds as your cock pistons in and out of her soaking hole.

You thrust up to meet her bounces, making her cry out each time you bottom out. Her pussy cream coats your shaft and balls, making everything deliciously slick. You can feel her inner walls fluttering as she gets close to cumming again.

"Play with your clit," you command. "I want to feel you cum all over my cock."

Seulgi reaches down to rub her swollen nub while continuing to ride you. Her movements become more erratic as pleasure builds. You grab her ass cheeks, spreading them wide and teasing her rim with your thumb.

"Fuck! I'm gonna cum on your cock!" she screams. Her pussy clamps down on your shaft as her orgasm hits. You keep thrusting through her climax, prolonging the waves of pleasure.

When her spasms subside, you pull out of her drenched hole. Your cock is coated in her cream, making it perfect for what comes next.

"Get on your hands and knees," you growl. "Time to stuff that tight little ass again."

Seulgi quickly assumes the position, arching her back to present her ass, the torn leggings frame her still-twitching holes perfectly. Her pussy is still pulsing from her orgasm, cream dripping down her thighs. Her asshole winks invitingly, already loosened from your fingers and last night's fucking.

You kneel behind her and rub your slick cock between her cheeks, teasing both holes. "You want my cock in your ass, don't you? Such a dirty girl, getting off on having both holes used."

"Please," she moans, pushing back against you. "Fuck my ass! I need it so bad!"

You press your cockhead against her tight rim, watching it slowly stretch around you. Despite being fucked there just hours ago, she's still deliciously tight. You grab her hips and steadily push forward until you're balls deep in her ass.

"Fuck yes," Seulgi pants. "Your cock feels so good stretching my ass!"

You start with slow, deep strokes, watching your shaft disappear into her hungry hole. Her ass grips you perfectly, sending waves of pleasure up your spine. You reach around to rub her clit, making her moan louder.

"Such a good little anal slut," you growl, speeding up your thrusts. "Taking my cock so deep in your ass while I play with your pussy."

Seulgi pushes back to meet each thrust, clearly loving the double stimulation. Her pussy drips steadily as you pound her ass, adding to the lewd sounds filling the room. You give her ass a hard smack, watching it jiggle.

"Harder!" she begs. "Wreck my fucking ass!"

You grab her hips tight and really start hammering into her. Your balls slap against her pussy with each thrust as you drill her asshole. Sweat drips down your chest, mixing with hers where your bodies meet.

The sight of your cock stretching her tight rim combined with her wanton moans has you getting close. You increase the pressure on her clit, wanting her to cum again before you finish.

"Gonna cum again," Seulgi gasps. "Keep fucking my ass just like that!"

Her whole body shakes as another orgasm rips through her. You feel her asshole spasm around your cock as she screams in pleasure.

“Fuck, I'm almost there,” you moan. “This time I'm gonna cover your little body with my cum.”

You pump into her stretched asshole a few more times, savoring the tight grip before withdrawing with a wet pop. Her gaping hole clenches around empty air as she quickly flips onto her back, her abs glistening with fresh workout sweat. The torn leggings frame her lower half perfectly, her pussy still dripping from her previous orgasms.

"Fuck, look at you," you growl, furiously stroking your cock as you kneel between her spread legs. Your shaft is slick with her ass juices, making obscene squelching sounds as you jerk it. "So fucking hot all sweaty and messy for me..."

Seulgi runs her hands over her damp skin, pinching her hard nipples through her sports bra. "Come on baby, mark me up. Want to feel your hot load all over my abs..."

Your cock throbs harder at her words. She looks like a fucking goddess lying there, skin golden and gleaming with perspiration, hair messy from getting railed, lips swollen from sucking your cock. The contrast of her still being partially clothed in her workout gear while being completely debauched is driving you wild.

"Play with yourself," you command, stroking faster. "Want to watch you rub that clit while I cover you in cum..."

She immediately slides a hand between her legs, fingers circling her swollen clit. Her other hand pushes her sports bra up to fully expose her perky tits, rolling a nipple between her fingers.

"Please," she whimpers, hips bucking as she pleasures herself. "Need your cum so bad... want you to paint me with it..."

You can feel your orgasm building, pressure mounting in your balls. Your cock is angry red and leaking precum steadily. Seulgi notices and licks her lips.

"Are you gonna cum for me baby?" she purrs, spreading her legs wider. "Want to feel it hot and thick all over my sweaty body... want you to mark your territory..."

"Fuck... gonna cum so hard for you..." you grunt, your hand a blur on your shaft. The wet sounds of her fingering herself mixed with your jerking is obscene.

"Do it," she demands, her fingers moving faster on her clit. "Fucking cover me... want to feel it splashing on my skin..."

Your orgasm hits like a freight train. The first rope of cum shoots out with incredible force, landing in a thick stripe from her collarbone down between her tits. The second and third spurts paint her ribs and abs, hot white streaks stark against her shiny skin.

"Yes! More!" she cries out, her own orgasm hitting as she watches you mark her. "Cover me!"

You continue cumming, decorating her sweaty stomach with rope after rope of thick seed. Some lands on the torn edges of her leggings, soaking into the fabric. The final few spurts dribble onto her lower abs, mixing with the sweat pooled in the grooves of her muscles.

When you're finally spent, you sit back to admire your work. Seulgi looks absolutely debauched - covered in sweat, cum, and pussy juice, workout clothes torn and disheveled, hair a mess. Your cum is already starting to run down the sides of her torso in rivulets, mixing with her sweat.

She runs her fingers through the mess on her stomach, spreading it around like lotion. The sight of her rubbing your seed into her sweaty skin makes your spent cock twitch weakly.

"Mmm, so much cum," she purrs, gathering some on her fingers and bringing them to her mouth. She maintains eye contact as she sucks them clean, moaning at the taste. "Love how it mixes with my sweat... makes me feel so dirty..."

She continues playing with the cum on her body, alternating between spreading it around and tasting it off her fingers. Some has dripped down to her pussy, mixing with her own juices.

"Fuck, that's hot," you groan, watching her enjoy your mess. She gathers more cum on her fingers and offers them to you. You eagerly suck them clean, tasting the salty mixture of your cum and her sweat.

"Love marking you up like this," you say as she continues rubbing the cooling cum into her skin. "Looking all sweaty and used, covered in my load..."

"Mmm, me too," she sighs contentedly. "Want you to do this every time I come back from working out... mark your territory all over my sweaty body..."

The combination of the visual, her dirty talk, and the various fluids coating her skin makes your cock start to harden again despite having just cum. Seulgi notices and laughs.

"Already getting hard again? Such a horny boy..." she teases, running a cum-covered finger down your shaft. "Save that energy for the next workout... want you nice and pent up so you can cover me in an even bigger load..."

You spend the next few minutes trading lazy kisses and caresses, enjoying the afterglow. Seulgi's skin is still flushed and glowing with sweat. Her sports bra is stained with your cum, marking her as yours.

"I should probably actually shower now," she says eventually. "Want to join me? I could use help getting clean... or maybe getting dirty again."

"Lead the way," you smirk, admiring her ass as she heads to the bathroom.

—

After the shower, you throw on some clothes and head to the kitchen. While Seulgi makes coffee, you raid her fridge for breakfast ingredients. The domestic scene feels surprisingly natural after the intensity of your sexual encounters.

"I still can't believe this all started because you caught me making porn edits of you," you say, cracking eggs into a pan.

She laughs. "I mean, I was shocked at first. But then I watched them and... fuck, they were hot. Made me realize how much I wanted you."

"Could have saved us both a lot of sexual frustration if we'd admitted it sooner."

"True. But making up for lost time has been pretty fun," she winks. "Plus now I have a personal trainer who really knows how to motivate me."

Breakfast becomes less about eating and more about stolen touches. Her fingers graze yours when you pass her a plate, and your knees bump under the table like it’s on purpose. Each bite of food comes with a side of heated glances that linger too long. The energy between you is still electric, even after having sex twice just this morning, alive with the kind of hunger that never truly fades.

Seulgi reaches across the table, her thumb brushing a crumb from your lip. Her touch lingers, her gaze heavy with desire. "We’re really bad at pretending this isn’t gonna happen again in about five minutes, huh?"

You grin, pushing your plate aside.

"Who’s pretending?”

[letsdosciencetoit]

WIP BuckTommy 5 + 1 - Part 4

5 times the 118 worries about telling Buck that Tommy got married, and 1 time they realized they didn't have to. Part 4, as promised this evening. Part five and the +1 may need to wait until next week.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

4. Ravi

It’s three in the morning when they get called to a three alarm fire.  The captain Reed of the 133 is IC, so Chimney splits them off to join another crew on the Charlie side.  Ravi heads off with Eddie and Patrick with their gear, ready to get to work.

Ravi had clocked that the 133, the 162 and the 217 are there already, but he almost stops short when he sees Tommy and Lucy working a line together.

Patrick bumps into him as he rushes by, and Ravi and Eddie get their line set up to add more water to the flames.  He and Eddie don’t operate as smoothly in the field as he and Buck did.  He’d like to say it’s because he hasn’t worked with Eddie as long, but he’s come to realize Buck would probably have chemistry with a door when it comes to the job.

Ravi loses track of time, but eventually they beat the fire back and manage to save the building.  It’s going to need extensive remediation, but it’s structurally sound.

With the hoses off, and the fire gone, the quite almost rings in Ravi’s ears.  He looks over to Tommy and Lucy and calls out, “They had you guys working ground crew?”

“We maxed out on our flight hours,” Tommy called back, helping Lucy coil the hose. 

Lucy scoffed.  “Speak for yourself, Kinard!  I’m just here to make sure your sorry ass makes it home.”

“Fuck off, Lucy,” Tommy said jokingly. “You’d be lost without me.”

“Oi, Kinard!  You kiss your husband with that mouth?” Lucy shot back, grinning ear to ear.

Ravi nearly dropped his hose.  “Shit!  You guys actually tied the knot?  Where was my invite?”

“These assholes flew to Vegas!” Lucy threw out. “They purposely went to Vegas, got hitched while sober, and didn’t get an Elvis impersonator to do it.”

“Those are tacky,” Ravi offers, trying to support Tommy while still wrapping his mind around it.

Lucy scoffs again.  “Like a Vegas elopement isn’t tacky!”

“You’ve made your opinion clear,” Tommy says with a smile and a shrug. “It worked for us.  Besides, we actually got married, and then we flew to Vegas.”

Before Ravi has a chance to ask any more questions, Chimney’s voice crackles over the radio.  “Pannikar, Diaz, Grundy!  We’ve been relieved, and we’re clearing out in five. Back to the trucks or you’re walking!”

Ravi offers a short wave to Lucy and Tommy, then the three of them double time it back to the truck and get their gear stowed away.

Eddie has a pinched look on his face when they sit down, but keeps quiet.  Patrick, on the other hand, is a notorious gossip.

“You still hang out with Buckley, right Pannikar?” Patrick asks, leaning forward as the truck pulls away.

“Yep,” Ravi offers back.

“You going to tell him his ex got hitched?” he asks, a little too gleefully.

Ravi shakes his head, asking himself: What is wrong with people these days.  Instead, he just says to Patrick, “Not really my place to be saying anything.”

Patrick clearly notes Ravi’s unimpressed tone, and the rest of the drive is quiet.

*** 9-1-1***

Ravi heads straight home after showering at the station at the end of shift.  He’s wiped, and just wants to get to bed.

He unlocks the door to see his girlfriend sitting on the couch, her bare feet up on the coffee table, textbook propped in her lap.

“Hey babe,” she calls.  “Tough shift?”

“Three am call.  We didn’t get much rest,” Ravi explains.  He bends over and plants a kiss on her forehead as he walks past her to the kitchen.  “I’m going to grab a shake and head to bed.  You want one?”

“No thanks,” she responds, turning back to her textbook. 

Ravi busies himself in the kitchen, blending the smoothie, and washing out the pitcher before downing the whole thing fast enough to give himself brain freeze.  He feels like a zombie as he crawls into bed.

Minutes later, his girlfriend slips into the bed next to him, settles herself propped up against some pillows, and cards her fingers through his hair.  She likes to listen to audiobooks while he sleeps off a shift, and he loves having her near him.

“Did you know they got married?” Ravi asks her, not even having to say who.

Her finger’s still in his hair, and she’s silent for a moment before she replies.  “Yes.  Mom and I were the witnesses.”

Ravi sits with that for a minute, then asks a question he already knows the answer to.  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

May’s quiet again for a pause.  “They didn’t want to let the news out right away.”

“You’re a good friend to them,” Ravi mumbles back. 

May’s fingers go back to carding through his hair as he drifts off to sleep.

Part 5

Tag list: @fenrirscarsback, @thuperrah

[lovviedovvie]

You’re Not “Too Much”

Pairing: Bangchan X GN!Reader

Summary: You let your anxiety and worries control your mind about being emotionally stable and to be loved, you have to be perfect. When you finally allow yourself to feel, Bangchan calms your mind.

Word Count: 1,729

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Comfort

Warnings: mentions and written anxiety and the mean voice in your head, Bangchan gives the best comfort :,) , crying, angst, emotions man…, maybe tooth rotting fluff because, why not?

A/N hi so idk what I’m doing teehee BUT i hope you enjoy! i’ve based this off the song listed above because i love it so much :,) REMEMBER you’re amazing <3

The weight on your shoulders is heavy as you stand at the stove. Your mind is lost in thought as you play through every moment of your day. The stirring chopsticks on the bottom of the pan, the flame, and the ringing of the fridge are the sounds that surround you.

Your shallow breathing is almost unnoticeable as your eyes glaze over.

It went wrong from the get-go this morning.

The betrayal of the alarm.

Traffic.

The new stain on the white clothes.

Forgetting lunch.

Traffic. Again.

The grocery bag ripping.

And the overall feeling of inadequacy.

Everything crawls into your brain at once. The worry, anxiety, panic, insecurity; everything is almost overwhelming.

The thoughts begin to take control until they scurry away at the sound of the door clicking open.

As quickly as they came in, they ran away just as fast, yet, never fully leaving.

“My love! I’m home!” Chan’s accent fills the entryway as you hear the jangling of keys, shoes being untied, and a bag being hung.

There is a rush to put yourself together in the time Chan takes to set his shoes in a nice line at the door. You tuck a few hair strands back in place and plaster on your smile.

You straighten your back, responding to your boyfriend, as he pads into the room.

“Boyfriend!” You call, holding out the vowels for a silly take on the name. As if on cue, Chan’s laugh lifts your heart as his arms wrap around your waist.

He sighs, as his face hides in the nook of your neck. There’s a muffled inhale.

“You smell good.” His muted voice vibrates in your neck as you giggle, attempting to pull away from the ticklish feeling. Chan’s head peaks out, a slight smirk appearing on his face before diving right back in and blowing raspberries into your neck.

The wooden chopsticks are dropped as you step away from the stove, attempting to free yourself from the ticklish torture.

There are pleas through laughter as Chan’s grip on your waist tightens, your escape soon becoming minimal.

The ‘fight’ soon takes your back to the counter, as Chan’s arms trap you, and he pulls away, a cheesy grin on his face.

Your hands go to cover your neck, a protective finger coming out to scold him.

“Sir, you know my neck is ticklish,” you argue, but your attempt to hide your smile is in vain as Chan leans in more.

“You’re right, I do,” he scrunches his nose, a slight laugh in his words. He places a soft kiss on your lips. “It makes teasing you much more fun.”

You playfully smack his chest and he gives a small teasing ‘hey’ back as he smiles at you. His arms continue to cage you in as he sighs.

“I’ve missed you.” Chan’s voice is genuine as he speaks, and his eyes sparkle with your reflection.

He’s just saying that.

For a split second, your facade drops as the voice slices in.

He doesn’t even care. Why would he?

Your heart drops. You blink a few times in an attempt to reset yourself. The smile is back on, despite the pain in your heart and head.

You softly cup Chan’s face as you kiss him softly.

“Although I love the banter,” you duck underneath one of Chan’s arms, as he lifts it to let you out. “I would like to not burn down our apartment.” You give a light-hearted chuckle, but it’s empty.

The energy shifts behind you as you stare at the pan again. Chan doesn’t move for a moment, as if assessing the situation. In two strides, Chan is at your side, trying to look around at your face.

“My love, are you alright?” The nickname brings that light-heartedness again, but the voice-

You’re not his love.

You never have been.

Don’t show him your feelings.

You don’t want to be too much, right?

He’ll leave if you’re emotional.

You’re being too much.

“My love?” Chan’s voice drops as a hand raises to your cheek. When his thumb applies pressure to it, you recognize the sudden tears that are falling from your face.

You take a small step back, worry crossing your entire face.

You’ve ruined it.

You were supposed to be quiet.

Don’t make a sound.

You want him to love you, right?

You can’t be noticeable that you’re there.

You’re too much.

Your eyes dart between Chan’s, trying to read his face, his expression, his gauge of wanting to leave you.

Your mind is going hundreds of miles and in different directions, just trying to find a way to save the situation.

’I won’t touch a thing, I swear. I just want to be loved by you. Please, just let me come around.’

“There’s-“ Your voice breaks slightly. You try to hide your throat clear as you begin to speak again, finding your cover-up. “Onion! There’s onion in this dish, so, my eyes are watering.”

You rush back to the pan, letting your hair fall in front of your face to hide your emotions.

Your sniffles did not help your case, as Chan reached underneath your arms to turn off the stove. You didn’t attempt to stop him as he softly took the chopsticks out of your hand, and moved the pan off the warm burner.

Your hands hung in the air, awaiting what Chan could possibly be thinking.

He’s leaving you.

You ruined it.

Chan tenderly grabbed your hands, moving you away from the warm stove. His guidance led you to the kitchen island where his hands grabbed your waist softly and he lifted you to the counter.

He stepped between your legs and he placed either arm on either side of your legs as he pleadingly looked up at you.

“Love, what are you thinking?” His tone was soft, barely above a whisper. Your head was bowed in embarrassment as a few tears dropped onto your hands.

You tried to blink the tears away again.

Chan didn’t push. He stood, maintaining eye contact, and waiting until you were ready to answer. His hands found the sides of your legs as his fingers went to rub soft circles.

Hiding your tears was inevitable, as you finally caved and began wiping them. Chan’s worry rose, but he tried to keep his expression from falling deeper into his feelings.

Your breath was shaky as you attempted to calm your nerves. Chan still didn’t push. He waited.

“Are you going to leave me?” The words were broken when they finally reached your lips. Chan’s eyebrows lifted as he leaned in closer to you.

“My love, no.” His head rotated as he continued to look at you. “Why would I leave you?” There was no accusatory tone as he spoke.

You couldn’t even put it together. How could all your thoughts even make sense to him? Where would you even begin?

You couldn’t find the right words as a small sob left your mouth. Chan’s hand reached up slowly to wipe away a tear. His hand was warm and you leaned into it.

You tried to take a deep breath, but it ended in a few hiccups. Chan continued to hold you.

“I’m too much.” The words were broken, and Chan’s heart broke as you said them. “I didn’t want to be too much. So I wasn’t going to ‘make a sound’ by letting my emotions get the best of me.”

“There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do to just be loved by you. I didn’t want to bug you, or make you question dating me.” Your voice wavered as you spoke, but each word was clear. “I just told myself that you wouldn’t know I was there if I was not an emotional wreck.”

“Because you’d leave me if I wasn’t perfect.”

With every word you spoke, Chan felt his heart break. You hid your emotions so well, Chan had no idea until now. He was always suspicious that you kept your happy persona, as life isn’t easy.

He hated that he didn’t notice until now. His other hand reached your cheek as he held your face between his hands.

“My love,” Chan’s voice shook. “You don’t need to be perfect. Emotions are a part of life. They don’t make you weak or ‘too much’. They make you human.”

His thumbs began to wipe your falling tears as he continued to speak.

“I love everything about you. You don’t have to do anything to change yourself because I already love you.” His smile is soft as he comforts you. “I have never questioned dating you. In honesty, I wonder why you’re dating me.” He gives a soft chuckle.

“Love, I want you to be there in every emotion and feeling. Because that makes you real. And what makes you, You.” He holds your face so he can make eye contact with you. “I didn’t fall in love with you because of your ‘perfectness’. It was because you’re real and human.”

“Your emotions won’t scare me away. You’ll have to do much more than that.” Chan gives you a soft wink and lets a smile appear on his face as you giggle.

“There’s my baby,” he leans in. “Look at your beautiful smile.” Chan makes eye contact with you again as he speaks. “I am not leaving you. You’re everything I have ever wanted. I’d be crazy stupid to let you go.” He kisses the edge of your nose.

“I love you. You’re my person. My love, my baby, and my everything.” He kisses one cheek. “Even if I have to tell you every day, I will.” He smiles. “I’ll do it just like this!”

“You’re my person,” he kisses your nose.

“My love,” your cheek.

“My baby,” your other cheek.

“My everything,” your forehead.

“I love you.” And finally, Chan kisses your lips. Everything he said, and meant, is felt through every breath of his kiss.

Your arms swing around the back of his neck, pulling him closer as you lean into the kiss.

When you two finally break the kiss, your foreheads connect, and you share a joint breath.

“I love you.” Chan’s voice is barely a whisper. “I love you so much.” You take a sigh of relief.

“I love you too. Thank you for letting me be human.”

“Always be human. Because you’re my human.”

[xoxochb]

——— ౨ৎ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

“you’re leaving.”

you frown and slide downwards along the bed. you cross your arms over your chest above the blankets.

“I’ll be back in a second, sweet girl, I promise.”

you sigh and curl into the pillows. they smell like percy, like the sea. you inhale the scent of them.

your tranquility is soon interrupted by a dipping in the bed. you whine and sit back up again.

you see percy had found a bowl of ice cream. “I want a bite.”

without arguing, percy takes a scoop and holds the spoon out to you. happily, you take it into your mouth and savor the cold treat against your tongue. you let your eyes close shut.

“okay, that’s enough.”

your moment is ruined when percy takes the spoon out of your mouth. you scowl and slide back down once again. this time you curl into your boyfriend instead of the pillows. you rest your face against his shoulder.

“what flavors did you get?”

“uhhhh… cookie dough and this other one…”

“wow! I love that other one, that’s my favorite flavor!” you don’t try to stifle the laugh escaping your lips.

“I forget the name of it. it’s caramel but with something else in it.” percy shrugs lightly, cautious of where you rest.

“so caramel? let me see.”

you sit back up again. you take the bowl and spoon from him and place it into your own lap. you take another bite, examining the ice cream.

“fudge maybe?”

“why would they mix caramel with fudge?”

you take a third bite before handing it back to percy. “for fun. I miss cookie dough and oreo.”

“I’ll mix those tomorrow, special for you, sweet girl.”

he continues to eat the new ice cream mixture until the bowl is finished, cleaned, and scraped of any remainders.

once the bowl is placed upon the nightstand you return to your spot curled against percy. you wrap your arms tightly around his bicep and rest your head back on his shoulder.

“we need a new routine.”

percy frowns. “but I like our routine. we shower and I eat ice cream and you eat half of it after saying you don’t want any and then we make out a little bit—”

you clamp your hand over his mouth. “I didn’t need a play-by-play.”

you feel his smirk. he takes your arm and kisses your palm then your wrist before entwining your hands and leaving them resting on his chest.

“talk to me, sweet girl.”

it’s a routine.

“I have nothing to talk about, percy, we’re with each other all day, you see and know everything I do.”

he’s quiet for a split second. “did you dream last night?”

your cheeks flush pink. it’s suddenly unbearably hot in this cabin. “no.”

“what happened in this dream?”

unsurprisingly, percy specialized in memorizing your body language.

“nothing happened, it was just you and me.”

“and…?”

“and this is not a fun topic suddenly.”

he pouts. “I’ll tell you about my dream.”

“I don’t think I want to know.”

“it wasn’t bad, it was nice. you moved back into your cabin and you wouldn’t tell me why so I got upset and begged you to come back to my cabin and then you told me you couldn’t so I keep persisting until you told me that you were planning a party for my birthday.”

your brows furrow. “your birthday isn’t for another five months.”

“my brain works in mysterious ways.”

“there’s nothing mysterious about you or your brain. you audibly told me yesterday that you wished you were inside of me.”

“sometimes my mouth moves before my brain.”

you nod. “I’ve taken notice.”

a silence fills the cabin. as much as you love listening to percy’s voice, you enjoy almost as much when he goes quiet because then you can admire him in silence. his features become overcome with sleepiness once hitting the bed (most of the time…).

but this doesn’t mean he won’t tease you for staring.

“close your mouth, you’ll drool.”

your mouth was open. your cheeks flush and you close it quickly.

“you drool more than me, shut up.”

[orellazalonia]

Infected by the Chaos

Summary: Overtime, your questionable tendencies and unpredictable phrases have rubbed off onto your boyfriend. The team reacts by trying their best to un-corrupt the supersoldier. (Bucky Barnes x Avengers!reader)

Word Count: 1.2k+

A/N: Thank you to @ozwriterchick for the idea. Enjoy and Happy reading!

Main Masterlist | Earth’s Mightiest Headache Masterlist

There was a debriefing. The usual boring, long, and necessary meeting. Everyone sat around the conference table looking various degrees of irritated.

You were leaning back in your chair, chewing gum, spinning a pen between your fingers, and mentally ranking everyone’s haircuts from “tragic” to “god-tier.” (Sam had climbed two spots today.)

Steve was talking, bless him, but honestly, your brain had already turned into a screensaver.

“-and next time, we need tighter communication. Nat, cover the north entrance. Sam, recon from above. And you two,” He gestured at you and Bucky. “Try not to burn the entire building down next time.”

You opened your mouth, probably to say something deeply unhelpful and not at all relevant but then it happened.

Bucky got there first.

Deadpan, casual, and not even glancing up from his notepad, he muttered:

“I don’t control the fire. The fire controls me.”

The room went silent.

Sam slowly turned his head. “What.”

Nat blinked. “I’m sorry- Did Barnes just say that?”

Steve dropped his tablet. You were staring at him like he’d just told you he was pregnant with a spider-dog hybrid.

Bucky glanced up with a shrug. “What? It’s true.”

“No, no, no, back up.” You stood, pointing at him. “That’s my level of chaos. You don’t get to say things like that with a straight face. That’s my thing.”

“Pretty sure I’ve earned chaos privileges by now,” He said in an even tone, biting into an apple.

Nat coughed. “What else have you been saying lately?”

You whirled on Bucky. “You didn’t even flinch. You said it like a man who has absolutely Googled whether rats can legally vote.”

Bucky smirked. “I have due to our last date. They can’t yet.”

Sam slid down in his chair. “Oh god, there’s two of them now.”

Tony, who had joined the meeting late with a coffee and zero patience, looked between you and Bucky. “I always knew one of you was a bad influence. I just didn’t expect it to be her.”

“I resent that,” You said.

“I expected more from you, Barnes,” Tony replied.

Steve looked like he was having a mild stroke. “I spent a decade dragging him out of assassin mode and you…you-“ He pointed at you with all the drama of a soap opera actor. “You corrupted him.”

You crossed your arms. “Excuse me, I elevated him. You think he’d even know what a possum rave is without me?”

“Wait,” Bucky said, serious again. “That’s real?”

“Unfortunately,” Sam muttered.

Bucky turned to you. “Do you think we could-“

“No,” Steve and Sam said in unison.

Later that night, you and Bucky were sitting on the roof, feet dangling over the ledge, and watching the stars while splitting a packet of strawberry Pop-Tarts.

You nudged him with your shoulder. “You really said it, huh?”

He smirked. “It just came out.”

“And the fire controls you?”

He looked at you with something soft and proud in his eyes. “Maybe I’ve just been spending too much time with my favorite disaster.”

You grinned and leaned into his side. “Next step: getting you to name a pigeon.”

“Already done. His name’s Charles. He watched us fight three agents yesterday.”

You gasped. “You’re perfect.”

“I know,” Bucky said. “You trained me well.”

-

As time passed, Bucky was the problem now.

At first, the team found it endearing. The grumpy super soldier smiling at dumb jokes, randomly throwing out facts about duck mating rituals, or muttering “vibe check failed” after knocking someone out. In some strange way, it was charming. Odd, but charming.

But then he named a second pigeon. And that was the last straw.

“We need to intervene,” Natasha said, deadly serious with her arms folded as she stood at the head of the war room table.

“Why?” Bucky asked, mid-bite of a toaster strudel. “Charles Junior likes me.”

“Exactly,” Tony said, pointing dramatically. “The fact that you’re calling it Charles Junior is the problem.”

“I don’t see the issue,” You said from your seat next to Bucky, proudly wearing your ‘#1 Chaos Hero’ necklace again. “It’s genetic. Charles Prime had strong leader energy.”

Steve looked between you both like he was watching two people fall off a moral cliff in slow motion. “You used to be a soldier.”

“He is a soldier,” You said. “He just also knows five ways to make banana bread ”

Bucky nodded solemnly. “Just don’t over-mix the batter.”

Tony facepalmed. “Nope. This is a brain rot virus, and you’re patient zero.”

You smiled sweetly. “Thank you.”

“I wasn’t complimenting you.”

“Still taking it that way.”

Natasha, still painfully calm, pulled out a folder labeled “OPERATION: WINTER DETOX.”

“Oh no,” Bucky muttered.

“Yes,” She said. “We're deprogramming the chaos out of you. We're doing it for the safety of the building, and also the pigeons.”

-

During phase one, you were banned from interacting with Bucky for 48 hours. No comms. No breakfast together. No late-night feral cuddling where you told him shark facts until he passed out.

You broke the rule in 6 minutes.

Literally. You broke into the vent system and dropped into his room from the ceiling like some kind of gremlin god.

“Did you know octopuses have nine brains?”

Bucky looked up from his book, deadpan. “I do now.”

When Sam burst in to yell at you, he found Bucky trying to braid your hair while you explained the 36 reasons flamingos are both cursed and divine.

Sam left with his soul cracked in half.

Phase two didn’t end much better either. They tried re-soldiering him. Military documentaries. Physical training drills. A six-hour silent stare-off with Steve.

You showed up with a whiteboard that said “Today’s Mission: Turn Bucky Into a Lizard.”

Steve had to lock you out of the room and block your contact from Bucky’s phone for two hours.

By phase three, the team tried pairing Bucky with other Avengers. Nat. Rhodey. Bruce.

Each one ended up slightly more unhinged than when they started.

Bruce now exclusively drinks out of a cup shaped like a frog. Nat started saying “mood” unironically. Rhodey got a ferret and named it “Mini War Machine.”

“Do you see what you’ve done?” Steve begged one night as you and Bucky made soup in the communal kitchen while retelling an episode of River Monsters using only metaphors and curse words.

“I made the team fun,” You said, stabbing a ladle toward him.

Bucky beamed. “They laugh more now. And I haven’t threatened to murder anyone in two weeks.”

Tony nodded slowly. “He’s not wrong. Still terrifying, but now it’s… unpredictable terrifying.”

The breaking point came the next morning. Bucky walked into the briefing room wearing a shirt that said: “Emotionally Stable is a Strong Word”

You wore one that said: “I Know the Assignment. I Am Choosing to Ignore It.”

Steve stood then walked out muttering something about moving to Wakanda.

The team officially gave up trying to fix Bucky Barnes.

-

Later that night, Bucky was lying beside you, watching the stars again as the city hummed below.

“They really think I’m broken now,” He said.

You shrugged, twirling a glow stick between your fingers. “They just don’t know how to handle dual-wielding emotional repression and chaotic brilliance.”

He turned to you, smiling. “You really think it’s brilliance?”

You kissed his cheek. “Obviously. I don’t waste my time on mediocrity. Now help me build a pigeon obstacle course on the balcony.”

He nodded. “It’s what Charles Prime would’ve wanted.”

[hadersversion]

how to disappear! - lumberjack! logan x farmer’s daughter!reader: how they first meet

warnings: mentions of christianity, waiting till marriage, innocent reader, implied age gap (reader in 20s and logan being logan so 200?), good ole country attitudes

moodboard <3

🍓you’ve been living in a small town in nebraska your whole life

🍓the youngest daughter to the towns farmer, you were full of personality and many people in the town just liked to be around you

🍓you cared for the kids, helped the elderly, cooked & baker for everyone while wearing a big, beautiful smile on your face

🍓logan came to town in early spring, buying the fixer upper house down the dirt road from your home

🍓you two first met when your father asked you to run down some eggs that the chickens just hatched to the new neighbor as a welcome gift

🍓 you got on your bike, your white skirt flying in the wind as you drive down the hill

🍓 you parked your bike in front of his house and walked around the property, which seemed to be empty besides the pick up truck sitting in the drive way

🍓“hello? hello? i’m y/n, your new neighbor from up the street.”

🍓 you ventured around the property and admired the way it was already coming together. the once run down house now painted a fresh coat of red.

🍓 your walk around the house was cut short when you heard the sound of wood being split deeper into the woods surrounding the property

🍓 clutching the eggs, you followed the noise until you were looking at the ripped back of a man as he swung his axe high in the air

🍓 your body froze as you watched the man move swiftly with his axe, admiring his body and trying to tune out all the things you wanted him to do to you

🍓 he turned around and did a double take, his eyes raking up and down your body

🍓 the older man stood tall, his dark hair spiking up

🍓“um, hello?” he grunted

🍓 his white tank top clung to his sweaty body, showing off his hairy chest

🍓 dog tags hung around his neck as your brain thought about them hanging above your face when he’s on top of you

🍓 your mouth became dry as you stared at him

🍓 “h-hi.” you said shyly.

🍓“can i help ya with something, sweetheart.” he set the axe down and picked up a cigar from a log

🍓“y-yeah, i-um-i.” you were a stuttering mess looking at the gorgeous man in front of you. “sorry, i-uh…i live up the street and my daddy asked me to drop off these eggs to ya. our chickens hatched them this mornin’. think of it as a welcome to the town gift.”

🍓 he looks down at the eggs in your hand and smirks

🍓“appreciate it.” he walks up and grabs the eggs, cigar hanging from his mouth. “tell your pa i said thanks.”

🍓 your breathe hitches as you stare up at him, your thoughts becoming impure before you could even control them

🍓you never had thoughts like this before, you knew that you had to wait until marriage to even cross this bridge

🍓but this man made you want to throw those ideas out the window

🍓you watch as he stares down your chest, your shirt didn’t leave much to the imagination as it opened a bit at the top

🍓 instinctively, your fingers come up and play with cross necklace sitting comfortably against you

🍓you could swear this man let out a small groan at the tiny action

🍓“didn’t catch your name, sweetheart.”

🍓“y/n.”

🍓“y/n.” he repeats back and you swear, your heart melted in your chest. “pretty, just like you. i’m logan.”

🍓 i nod and smile. “thank you.”

🍓 the two of you stand in silence, appreciating the company of one another

🍓“i-uh…i should get going. but it was nice to meet you, logan.”

🍓“back at ya, kid.”

🍓 he watched as you walked towards your bike and hop on

🍓eyes raking over your body one last time as though he was never going to see you again, he wanted to savor you

🍓 you wave innocently and start your journey home

🍓 logan waves back and takes the cigar out of his mouth

🍓“maybe comin here wasn’t so bad.”

[bewitched-hours]

okay zo bazically, I waz wazhing dizhez then an idea popped into our tiny little worthlezz head!

Zo a 1x1x1x1 x [READER]

And [READER] has multiple perzonalitiez/people inzide them (like Sun and Moon from fnaf)/different voices! They all talk differently, and they almozt alwayz talk at the zame time, zo it's pretty hard to know what they're zaying/what they want to zay to you

And zometimez they can just zlip up their personalitiez into different bodies, and they all act differently from one another. I alzo think they'd have a doll like body or zomething, kinda like 1xs

But mozt of the time they juzt do that to avoid talking to people (expect CK, they like him:3)

But when they talk to 1x1 they realize they kinda enjoy talking to her! Oh no, they like him! D:

They don't know HOW to actually procezz romantic feelingz, zo they're all panicking internally, and they're all saying different thingz like; "We like them..? Oh no, they won't like us back..!"

"DONT SAY THAT!! IM SURE HE'LL LIKE US!!"

"Sorry to pop your bubble, but we're not one to have love. We're all so different, so why would she like *all* of us?"

"Ugh, can all of you just shut up about this crush?? It's not worth anything. You know what happened last time we tried to find a partner who liked ALL of us."

"You're right.. it's worthless to try."

zo they just try to avoid 1x1, but of course, one of the personalitiez are alwayz looking at him, and zometimez she catches them looking and they're like "FUCK-", but pretend nothing happened

Alright, thiz iz getting way too fucking long, cutting this shortizh.

They eventually shove flowerz into 1xs handz, all of them collectively zhout "THIS IS FOR YOU!!" Before abzolutely zprinting the other way

And then the end

Jk, they cuddle at the end, maybe all of them are in their different bodiez and now they're cuddling 1x and they'res juzt too much body heat, but none of them are moving

-Zanon

(HELP THE CRAMPZ R GETRING TO ME SNED JELP)

Oh Zanon... Yours started right as mine ended it seems... Don't worry, I'll happily do this one and hopefully you can get some sleep and tea. Lots of warmth!

Reader's getting they/them but not for the voices~

Your brain was never quiet.

Thoughts from so many voices always flooded you.

They were your other 'personalities', as you'd call them to simplify it.

The way you've all fused together has become a blurred memory by now but you still remember white walls and people in white coats running around.

The last thing you remember clearly at all was wielding some sort of comically giant hammer and looking down at a corpse with a sharp pain in your head.

All of them had been screaming in a panic and you couldn't understand a single one of them clearly before everything went black.

In a way, it was blissful. Total darkness, comfortable silence...

But by the time you could even process anything, it all rushed back to you and you awoke in a cabin. Surrounded by strangers.

The voices were back to panicking almost immediately and with the strangers also talking, it overwhelmed you to the point where you split.

The strangers were astounded to see you produce little copies of yourself with differently coloured clothes and eyes that all acted very differently.

That's when you noticed how your body(bodies?) looked...

You were doll-like. Your body seemed to almost somewhat match one of the strangers but you ignored it for now. What mattered was the voices were out again and you could finally think for a moment.

"We're- I'm- We are okay..." You muttered before suddenly being picked up and helped to your feet by one of them. He introduced himself as C00lkidd and judging by his voice and behaviour, you could tell he was a kid and just gently pat his head for a moment as you introduced yourself... Yourselves...

All the voices introduced themselves by the personality they apparently represent but you? You seemed oddly okay using the name you had been called only moments before total darkness.

"[Reader]! [Reader]! Do you think we still have the hammer?!" Playful asked with excited giggles.

You just decided to step back and focus on summoning the hammer. How did you know how to summon it? You had no idea...

But it did show up, still stained with blood from what you could only assume was the corpse you last saw.

The others took some time telling you how things would work now and investigated your voices a bit before they had to fuse with you again because you were starting to feel dizzy.

Overall, you were at least never bored.

You didn't exactly feel any specific way towards the survivors and just killed them without much thought or emotion, a stark contrast to how you acted the moment you were back at the cabin.

But the other killers would always watch and comment on your strategies. You never used the same strategy twice but could send out your voices all at once to spot the survivors for you.

Only problem is that you were the only one able to touch any of them, let alone your own hammer...

Luckily this was only the case for rounds. Once you were done, the voices usually went to interact with the other killers since there was always at least one of them that could bond with the others.

Although CK easily caught the admiration of you all with how adorable the kid can be...

But 1x seemed to be a special case. 1x and CK were the only two where you didn't just hide away to let one of the voices bond with them and collect the memories once you're back together.

The embodiment of Shedletsky's hatred was surprisingly nice to talk with. And she appreciated when you dragged out his death a bit to let him watch his creator suffer.

By the time one of the voices realized how your collective heart flutters at her mere presence, total chaos breaks out in your mind.

"How are we meant to even begin understanding this?!" Paranoia was hyperventilating.

"I'm sure it's fine!" Playful tried to be cheerful but even they sounded nervous. "We're just casually experiencing a new emotion we know of but never expected to feel for a being made of hatred! This is perfectly fine!"

But Opportunist seemed... Awfully calm. "Sorry to burst the bubble but with how different all of us are, why would he choose us all? There's always at least one of us she'll dislike at best."

You could only answer through your thoughts, not wanting the other killers confused at your one-sided conversations.

Not like they would be, given that you've told them all by now how loud the voices usually were to explain why you had random moments where you'd be completely unresponsive unless touched.

It was usually CK grabbing you that snapped you back to reality and tune out the panicked conversations in your head to focus on the other killers. Sometimes you'd snap back to find 1x lightly shaking you, being more gentle than you'd expect. And it drove your heart to practically vibrate in your chest.

"She's so sweet to us... How are we meant to ever get his attention with how divided we are...?" Spite spoke for once. It's still surprising to hear them of all voices sound so... Hopeless... Not even a witty remark...

But you were fed up.

Before you were to be sent into a round, you decided to sheepishly shove a bouquet of flowers to 1x's chest and panicked. "THESEAREFORYOUOKAYBYE-"

You were lucky you planned that perfectly to time your panicked confession with the time you had to be teleported.

The bouquet was obviously handmade with a letter inside detailing all your thoughts because you were shit at explaining them normally.

The voices were all nervous throughout the round and you just did your best to tell yourself that if you do good, things will work out.

Maybe you'll be able to impress her! Although you doubted that...

You felt a sense of dread as you chased the last survivor. Shedletsky.

Your heart raced at what awaited after his death. But you took deep breaths and took him out even slower than usual, somehow finding the time to make a heart out of the corpses and praying that 1x was watching...

But he was... And he was amused.

Once you were back, you greeted with a hastily written note before she went back to her room.

'If you're all serious, just come cuddle.' Your heart could've exploded and your legs felt like jello.

For once, the voices shut up without splitting.

"Did... Did we read that right??" Paranoia asked incredulously.

"It worked?! It fucking worked?!?!" Spite was in disbelief.

"Well colour us fucking surprised, we've won the jackpot or something!" Opportunist urged you to follow the note.

You hesitated for a bit, figuring 1x probably wouldn't want the other killers to notice. But you slipped into her room unnoticed and almost immediately stood face-to-face with him, a bright blush spreading across your face as you were suddenly dragged to bed with 1x's face against your chest and her arms holding you tight.

Like a reflex, the other voices slowly began to split and make the session turn into a cuddle pile.

It was warm... But no one dared to make a sound...

Anything you'd like to request/ask? Check out my pinned post first and I'll be happy to write up whatever you want!

[user211201]

Modulated

--- Original author: realhankmccoy ---

“I ain’t no motherfuckin’ redneck, you assholes! Don’t you fucking get it? I’ll never be ok with you being here and disrespecting our gay spaces!” I had shrieked and screamed, and I was being sassy as fuck. But they had darted me, so it was too late for me already. I had been one of the hottest little twinks in Colombia back then. I had such a tight little body, I was non-binary, and I was supportive of my local drag scene. I was absolutely into resisting these fucking fascists and their goddamn bullshit lifestyles, which I couldn’t stand.

That’s how I thought of it all back then, anyhow.

Man, that dart though, it had done its dirty work. I was writhing on the floor of the club, so I didn’t even get to witness the way it transformed me as I went into spasms. It was almost like having a seizure, but I could feel the muscle growing on me, and I could hear my shrieks and wails shift in pitch as I grew on into this whole new, far more masculine body.

I was getting to be built like a brick shithouse really fucking fast, and was taking on more of a mature look. Everywhere I was getting more muscle. I was splitting the seams of my jeans, and my underwear, and felt my back pressing up and splitting my tight pink t-shirt.

When I finally was able to sit up, I was in a daze. I had rendered my clothes asunder. I had bristles of hair all over my face, and the har on my head had grown longer, too, sort of flopping in my eyes. I was a mess.

And then the headache came. I was clutching the sides of my head and moaning, almost screaming in pain out loud, as my twinkish mind collapsed and got replaced by a growing part of me I didn’t even know existed. That part, my friends, is the motherfucking, take-charge redneck stud I am today.

My friends helped me get out of there, and I was still in transition. It takes a good seventy-two hours at least until you can fully collapse one of those weak-ass brains like the one I had before and until a more dominant, superior personality takes over like the one I was starting to get.

So yeah, like I said, I was a mess, and when my friends got me back to one of their apartments, I was still sporadically ranting about how dare those fascists do this to me, they’d never win, this was fucking awful. But as I heard myself talk, there was a growing part of me that was observing myself and thinking “so what? You sound like a raving lunatic. Look at this body! Damn, boy, just look at that muscle!”

Sleeping on it, man, that twink brain of mine must have collapsed even further. I woke up and I just wanted coffee with a splash of alcohol in it, so that’s what I got. Then I added two splashed. I had already stripped out of my shredded pink t-shirt, and my friends had some loose boxers that fit me, but I was just this naked, muscular stud in awe of his own body and trying to come to terms with who I was now.

I was seeing my friends with new eyes, too. They seemed anxious to me, weak, full of nervous, overly feminine motions, jittery, immature, skittish and mostly just kind of fucking annoying. “Those are your friends,” I’d remind myself. “This isn’t you who’s thinking this.”

But that growing part of me was thinking “This is you. This is all you, stud. You’re so much better than them. They don’t even know you’re thinking this, and if they only knew, they’d probably be terrified.” That thought made me want to laugh out loud, so I did.

“What are you laughing at?” one of them asked.

“Oh, nothing man, nothing,” I said, looking away and scratching my head. “These are your friends,” I told myself again, but I didn’t really seem to believe what I was trying to tell myself that morning. “So what if they’re your fucking friends,” my new mind was saying. “They’re fucking losers, man. Don’t let them drag you down. You ought to just get out of here.”

That morning, I was feeling just hornier and altogether more fucked up than I’d ever been. I was thinking, nah, this can’t be the new me. I’m no motherfucking redneck. I don’t think like them. But already I was feeling excited, having this body, having these different feelings, realising that I didn’t feel like such an evil guy like this, not like I thought I would, anyhow. All I wanted to do at that point in time, I felt like, was get the hell away from these people. I didn’t know to where. I borrowed some shoes and a t-shirt that was so tight it hurt, pleading that I had to get back to my apartment. It felt like the shoes would split, and the shirt was riding up on my belly, as I trotted back to my place.

I didn’t know what I was doing or what I was gonna do. When I got home, I felt thirsty, just wanting to drink a little, feeling like that would make this feel better, even though I told myself no, you have to compose yourself, you have to call people, you have to report this. Just one drink, I thought. It turned into shot after shot, and before I knew it, I was drunk, hard in my boxers, having kicked off the shoes and thrown that tight-ass shirt on the ground as soon.

Then I was beating off, and cumming, and the build-up to that orgasm, man, it flooded my brain with some real redneck juice. I wasn’t thinking of the type of guys I usually did. I was thinking about redneck studs, studs like myself, feeling the drool run down my chin as I beat off. As I came, shooting way up on my pecs, rubbing it in with my hand, I was whispering to myself, almost like a confession that I had yet to voice to anyone, “You hot fucking redneck. Holy fuck, you love this, don’t you. You’re a redneck now. Holy fuck. Holy fuck.”

The desire to live for working out and fucking was already growing in me.

Thoughts were just racing through my head then. I knew I didn’t want to be some lame-ass yuppie or some weak-ass queer, man. I felt this powerful attraction to the redneck scene, the working class scene, the country scene, the military scene, the jock scene, you name it, any scene were men were men instead of the glitter fairy I had been before. I couldn’t quite pin it all down at that point yet, but my thoughts were sure racing.

Can you picture me, getting drunk in my apartment, turned on at my own body and swirling thoughts? And then I started to really know, man. I started to know. There was no going back now. The guy I used to be was a loser. I didn’t want to be him anymore. I was pissed off that I ever even was him.

I walked barefoot into the bedroom, checking out his stuff in the drawers and on the walls. Almost none of it would even fit me anymore. His feminine attire and the way his shithole apartment was decorated disgusted me. It made me want to punch the wall, even, so I did that and it felt good. I saw the paint crack and the drywall cave in. This new body had power.

I screamed then, a roar of pure rage and exhilaration. I punched the wall again, and it felt so fucking good that soon I was ripping all his shit off the walls and throwing it in a corner, ripping that flouncy shit off the mattress and I didn’t stop, screaming the whole while, until the bedroom at least look bare bones enough to resemble something a man would want to sleep in. I’d be damned if I ever let that loser back into this mind.

There were a few flashes, sure, and man was he a crybaby as he went out, as well as one hell of an angry little prick. Lots of hatred in his heart. I’d just laugh and say, “Fuck you!” sometimes out loud as I felt that twink brain collapse forever.

And now, as far as I’m concerned, he’s gone man. No longer a part of me, thank God.

I was nervous at first, when I started trying to hang out with guys I thought I’d have a lot more in common with that my old friends. Would they accept me? I was pretty desperate for acceptance at that point. I starting hanging out at a diner that I knew a lot of them liked to frequent, classic diner that pre-dated even the 1950s, a real antique. But these sexy ass guys would show up there, and soon we got to talking over waffles and hash browns.

Soon I was telling them I was darted, and they were saying that was hot as fuck, wanting to hear the story. Soon I was telling it to them, my legs in the air, sweat dripping down my bearded chin, as I was getting fucked.

Months after that, I was almost fully integrated into the lifestyle, man, and soon I was the one doing more of the fucking, especially after I got these sweet-ass tattoos all over my right arm. Getting fully into it, the desire to be that all I could be as man, hell, it ran in my veins now. I was going to let those commies know that I was better than them in every single way imaginable, and I wanted to show it off. I still get hard just at the thought of that, demonstrating my own superiority in the most tangible – well, to them, intangible, because I don’t want them even fucking touching me – methods available to me.

Yeah boys, it meant war for me, just like it had when I was a stupid twink, only this time I was playing for the other side, and it was chess instead of checkers.

Of course, there’s a lot more to life than just that for me, namely having hot-ass sex with all sorts of country studs and military men, hell, being part of that whole network of strong and powerful men who worship and respect other guys who’ve worked for it. I feel like I’m serving my country and being a paragon of virtue for it even when my legs are slung over some guy’s bull neck and thick, rounded deltoids as he plows the fuck out of me with his long-ass rod.

I had never gotten fucked this good when I was a twink.

I do real work with myself now, a man’s work. I dress like a man, I eat like a man, and I live my life like a man. I’m fucking proud of it, too. I love who I am now, and relocated to the other side of town, too, where the action’s hotter and I have way more in common with most folks.

I am sure glad I’m a buff stud with a thick-ass chest these days, and I don’t ever go clean-shaven. Been really into guy’s pits lately, and getting them to flex for me so I can lick those. Yeah, shit, I’ve gotta stop, because here I’ve got a raging boner just telling you all about that right now. I swear I’m way more horny than I used to be. At least seventy-five percent of the time now, I’d bet, I’m a top these days.

I don’t really like bottom boys, either. Their mere existence tends to piss me off, to be honest, so when I do fuck them I tend to be an aggressive power top. A lot of the time I don’t even think of it that way, though. I just think of them as so weak that the same rules don’t even apply to them. Different rules, in a way, because they’re a different kind of guy than me. Much more like women, unable to control themselves, you know how they are. I used to be one of them, and I’m so glad I’m not anymore, that’s for fucking sure.

A lot of the time I prefer to just fool around with guys such as myself. I love topping another top, having to wrestle somebody for hours in a strength and dominance competition. Gets the blood flowing. I like somebody who puts up a fight. C’mon, son, do you have any idea how fucking fun that is for me now? To meet up and hook up with another guy who’s just as manly as I am? That’s the stuff I live for now. I’m ready to just fuck my life away with hot ass guys at this point.

So, yeah, I’m a top who loves to wrestle with other tops and see who can dominate. I must be pretty good at it if I swear I’m scoring a seventy-five percent these days, but that’s just because occasionally I throw in some twink losers. Yeah bud, even some of these leftists get thrown a bone by me every now and again. They need us, and I like them to know they need us. They wouldn’t know what to do without us.

One of these days, I might even check with one of my army friends and see if I can come along on a mission so that I can dart one of them myself. I think I’d laugh my ass off when my dart goes in his neck or his shoulder, wherever it his him. Just to see the look on his face, shit boy. That could turn a guy on just by imagining it, so one of these days I’ll have to make it legit.

Fuck if I care about the loser I once used to be or what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. My life is better now and that’s all that matters to me.

Hot-ass guys, man. That’s what I live for.

[manicmanuscription]

I Got You Love

Pairing: Rhysand x Reader

Summary: You suddenly have intense flashbacks and the only thing to help calm you down is your mate, Rhysand.

Word Count: 1544

Warnings/Tags: PTSD, mentions of torture (only vaguely described), panic attacks, fluff.

acotar masterlist | main masterlist

divider by @seradika-graphics

Today was a good day.

Today was supposed to be a good day. 

The soft summer sun had the  beautiful carved roads of Velaris glistening, bricks shining with a renewed vigor. Flowers hung from lampposts or sat in windows and it was perfect. 

I didn’t know when it became too much. When the light and soothing chatter from pedestrians became a jackhammer in my skull. 

When the warmth suddenly became blistering, my clothes started sticking to my skin and soon I was suffocating. Too much, too much, too. much.

Everything was too bright and blinding. I stumbled in people’s paths in my desperate attempt to escape the world around me. Everything in my instincts told me to run as my mind was harshly thrust into dark memories. 

The kind and smiling faces of my people morphed into those of my old tormentors. Children giggling turned into a dark laughter as my skin was split open with a harsh edge of a dirty blade as they had tortured me. The bindings that held me three hundred years ago felt fresh on my skin, the phantom pain intensifying as if it were merely moments ago. My feet were pounding against the stone. My mind is screaming at me to go, to get out. I needed to find a safe place, to escape this feeling of terror that had etched itself into my very soul. 

Go, go.  My mind screamed GO! before they caught me, before this feeling could somehow intertwine further into my heart than it already had. Broken bones and my own shattered screams echoed in my ears and I couldn’t. fucking. breathe. 

I could barely hear Rhysand’s comforting voice in my mind, barely noticed his tug on our mating bond over the sound of my trauma dragging my back in it’s terrifying trenches. Barely even noticed when he gripped me by the forearms and winnowed us to our shared bedroom. 

All I could see was the door and I ran towards it, the knob wouldn’t open and I spiraled even worse. Gods I was stuck again- 

I collapsed to the floor, pressing my back against the wall as I sobbed, my broken breathing the only sound in the room. My mate was kneeling in front of me, his hands hovering above my knees as if he wanted to touch me but wouldn’t as if he knew my overloaded system wouldn’t be able to handle it right now. 

Rhys whispered my name softly, trying to break me out of my hysteria. I was starting to get light headed from the lack of oxygen, black dots dancing in my vision as ragged gasps turned into full on hyperventilating. Rhys said my name again,

I think this time in my mind, pushing gently on my walls without being overbearing and making my flashbacks worse but it didn't break me out of my trance. I couldn’t fucking breathe. I was here, yet not. Voices all overlapping and drowning out everything else. 

Memories were pushing to the forefront of my mind and my entire body was shaking. 

Rhysand had never been more terrified, he hadn’t seen you like this in years and he had already tried all your practiced and safe response’s to these episodes so he could hopefully calm you down but nothing was working. So he grabbed hold of your mind firmly, he would never usually do this but this was an extreme situation, the last card he had to play.

Those dark tendrils wrapped around your traumatic memories and pulled them away, he willed your brain to make your breaths come in even waves instead of vengeful gasps, willed your body to stop shaking and replaced the panic with a feeling of safety. He curled himself around your mind, muting everything except for the familiar comfort of the mating bond, throwing love down it as his glittering magic pulsed around you. “Breathe.” He whispered softly, placing a hand over your heart. “Just breathe I’m here love, you’re ok.”

I did exactly that, deep breath’s in and out as my body finally started to relax with each inhale and exhale. I held him extremely tight and enjoyed the way his scent calmed me down.

There was nothing in this moment except his dark magic that sparkled exactly like the night sky seeping into every corner of the room. his arms wrapped around me, holding me close and just gave me a damned moment of reprieve. 

I don’t know how long I stayed like that in the quiet comfort of my mate. I hadn’t had an episode like this in a hundred years. Rhys was always the one to calm me down, always knowing exactly what I needed to feel safe.  Sometimes I hated touch, sometimes I needed it. Sometimes I needed him close and other times I needed him far, yet he was always there. 

Soon guilt settled in as my mind cleared, pulling away from that primal place of flight or fight.

He was supposed to be in a meeting with some of his high-ranking merchants and this wasn’t the first time he’d dropped everything to help me. I sniffled into his shoulder as my stomach twisted. Gods I was so overdramatic and clingy and-

“Stop it.” Rhys whispered against my skin. A wave of reassurance and love down his side of the bond spread through my chest, making me feel all warm and fuzzy. 

“I’m sorry.” I croaked out, my voice raspy from crying. “That word is banned if you remember.” His voice was light but I still felt the sincerity in his words. “I just, I don’t know what triggered it and..I mean..I-“ 

“Sshh.” My mate murmured. Leaning back slightly so he could look me in the eyes. I gripped on even tighter to his shirt at the almost loss of contact. He took my face in his large hands and titled my head so my gaze met his. 

“You do this little spiral every time after intense PTSD moments, I am not helping you out of obligation, I am helping you because I care about you, because I love you. Because you’re my mate, my wife, you are everything to me and you deserve to feel safe and happy. You deserve the world and being there for you is an honor, it is a gift and it helps me feel secure, knowing that I can care for you, protect you. I love you.” I didn’t miss the way his voice slightly wavered on the word protect.

Even though those males had taken me long before I met him I knew he still wanted to rip them apart all over again. His gaze was so intense and it had a familiar heat trickling down my spine. I could feel the truth in his words, see the conviction in his eyes and I slowly let go of the guilt that had tried to overtake me.

“I love you too.” I sighed. “I just..I hadn’t had an episode in so long, I mean that…event…was fucking forever ago and I -“ My voice cracked slightly and I took a shuddering inhale as the urge to cry hit me again tenfold when I started speaking. “I just thought I was healed, it was over, I’d never have to be so -broken- again.” 

Rhysand tilted my head so our foreheads were touching. “You have healed, you have done so much work and I’m so so proud of you baby, look at where you are now from yesterday. From last week? From two hundred years ago? You can’t put a timeline on healing, there are good days and bad days and it is important you have the support, especially for bad days and I’ll always be here. You’re not broken, you can do this. You’re safe baby. You’ll be ok, it'll never happen again.” 

I started crying again at his words, it soothes something inside of my roughened heart and he wiped my tears away with the pad of his thumbs. “You’re perfect just as you are.” 

I reached up and gently pressed my lips against his and he immediately opened up to me, letting me lead the kiss, feel in control and I sighed happily against him. I needed the soft intimacy. It was a balm to my soul and after a few seconds I laid my head on his shoulder once again. I was too tired for words but I pushed my needs to him down the bond and he responded immediately, lifting me up in his strong arms and tucking me in the bed treating me with such care I thought I was going to cry again. 

He curled himself around me and I laid my head across his muscled chest, listening to his strong heartbeat as those fingers drew comforting circles onto my shoulder. The panic had left my body and although I felt so tired from the whole exchange, my body shutting down as all the adrenline finally left and I could relax. I didn't feel as hollow as I usually did after these moments. 

No, I felt completely loved and cared for. Soon his rhythmic touch had me drifting off to sleep. 

I was loved, I was cherished for, I was safe.