#or im guessing it was?? could be weeks could be months idk
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Okay my brain wont shut up about them soooo,,,
Normal Club Hc!!!!
Has a meeting every saturday and sunday (virtual or in person depends on where they are) where they discuss all the Weird Stuff their team gets up to
The meetings usually ends with them doing Weirder Stuff
They have a group chat called 'were so normal haha' filled with indistinguishable memes and vent text about their teams (or coaches lol)
Lots of inside jokes that are very cryptid. E.g. : "remember. The Waffle Incident"
"Okay but is it as bad as The Great Purge of 3:47?"
Ja nein is self destructive. Tiger has no sense of self preservation. Chuck is just trying to keep them both alive
Both chuck and tiger forgets to eat sometimes so ja nein is the one to remind them
Despite everything tiger is the most emotionally intelligent of the group. So if they have questions about team relations (or just relationships in general) they go to him
Chuck is the only one who knows how to drive a car. Tiger is the only one who knows how to ride a motorcycle. Ja nein is the only one who knows how to ride a bike. Theyre each others modes of transport<3
Somehow they all know how to drive a tank
Self deprecating jokes. And dark humor
Tiger talks like a 13 yo gamer boy. Hes slowly corrupting the others. One time chuck yelled "FUCKING LIT" when toni fell down the stairs. It was awesome
Both tiger and ja nein are in happy healthy relationships (w/ miko chen and uber respectively ofc<333) and so they like to set up chuck with random strangers they see
"Hey!! Youre very pretty!! wanna date my friend?"
"You seem cool. Are you single? Because my friend is definitely interested"
Chuck is in the background frantically shaking his head
Chuck is the mom friend
They call ja nein jane bc they think his nickname is ridiculous. Yes more ridiculous than fucking twisting tiger. Ja nein pretends to hate it but he doesnt really care either way
Tiger is gremlin insane. Ja nein is babygirl insane. Chuck is done with everyones shit (and also insane)
Both ja nein and chuck are relatively the same size and tiger likes oversized clothes anyways so they often steal and swap clothes with each other
Got matching piercings at Claire's bc thats what besties do
Ja nein is the only one allowed in the kitchen
Tiger: okay but what if-
Chuck: absolutely not
Ja nein: no no lets hear him out
Very protective of each other in a 'only i can insult, hit, kick, fight, and criticize them' kind of way
Genuinely best friends. The most ride or die friend group youll ever meet
#ghost rambles#supa strikas#twisting tiger#chuck chipperson#ja nein#they are so insane actually#but we love them for it<33#i blame nico for putting thoughts in my head#i say even tho the post that inspired this is months old lolol#or im guessing it was?? could be weeks could be months idk
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she was the silliest billy 🥹
#dogs#rip babygirl i love you so so so so much you were better than all of us#mia.txt#jojo#we had to remove all her front teeth not long after we got her bc they were rotted so i have a ton of pics of her sticking her tongue out#she had a sense of humor too btw she was so playful#she was abused in the past so it took her about a full year to trust us but once she did she was so so so loyal and loving#mia.jpg#goddd i wanna die i cant believe im like. looking at pictures from two weeks ago where she was running and playful#and in the past week she just. gave up. she just stopped eating and stopped being able to even stand on her own#i had to hold her while she used the bathroom cause she kept losing her balance :(#sorry if this is too gross and upsetting i just. feel like i need to reach out. to anyone#like she was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease with no real chance of recovery several months ago so i should have like#prepared myself. but idk i guess i just had blinders on lol. the vet said his dog lived with it for 4 years before dying#idk. i guess i just thought she could survive longer
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more and more it makes me kind of uncomfortable (for lack of a better/softer word) to call my own characters ‘ocs’. because like. they’re from a completely original universe and from completely original intertwined stories and all that. so why would i have to specify they’re original in the same way someone would when referring to a character they made for a pre-existing non-original universe/franchise/whatever? by that logic every fiction author ever would be referring to their characters as ocs rather than just. their characters. you know.
#i guess you could say it’s different or something because I haven’t published any one Solid Official Work yet or anything but.#I don’t think that particularly matters? cause then you just get into policing what does and doesn’t count as Real and Official and that#inevitably doesn’t do anything good#idk man I know the term Original Character isn’t technically incorrect in my case but. I just feel like that term was created to separate#fandom creations from their source’s canon. or maybe to describe characters that don’t come from any particular established universe#or story at all (fandom or otherwise).#cause otherwise. why shouldn’t I just be calling them my characters. the characters from my universe and my works. which are#established and incorporated. it’s definitely not properly organized or set up for true publication (at least not yet. definitely possible#I’ll publish something as a consumable structured thing someday)#you just don’t hear established authors calling their characters ocs. because why should they? the original part is sort of a given.#hopefully anyway#anywayyuyyyyyyeuyyyhh sorry this is not important just has been on my mind the last few weeks or few months or more#kibumblabs#I guess there’s also a difference maybe between making characters for the sake of making characters- and those being ocs- versus#characters that are developed as part of a larger work/story#I definitely feel like there’s a difference between the two and how they should be labelled (but im not saying one is more valid than the#other or anything like that.)#like when I see a poll that’s like ‘how many ocs do you have’ I just kinda sit there cause that question. doesn’t make sense in#my situation at all. because it’s the same as asking the author of a fiction novel that question. what do I count as my ‘oc’#would that mean my primary characters? or vaguely my primary and secondaryish ones? or do you mean every single character mentioned#regardless of importance or prevalence? every single named parent or grandparent or boss or childhood friend or one night stand or etc etc#I feel like it’s weird to call those characters ‘ocs’ in the way the question is implying. but then what DOES count? it just doesn’t make#sense for something like this. right? it irks me a little
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Oh god.
This summer you sent our mutual friend a package, to get to me. An heirloom, a bit of camp history. Passed down to me.
And on that package, your phone number and address. Your phone number, that I had long deleted from my phone because the urge to call you was always too strong.
When I last saw you in person, you said that when you finally moved to the city it would be with your girlfriend. You would move in together. And surely, she would become your fiancee and then your wife.
There it is. On the package. Your new address, in the city.
I have to keep myself from calling you right now. You probably have my number blocked, and I truly don't know what I'd do if you answered. But I would give anything to hear your voice again.
Even if it's just you saying, "Hello? Who is this?" While her voice is in the background, asking you what you want for dinner.
At this point, I don't even need to be the voice in the background asking what you want for dinner.
I just wish I could be the voice on the other end of your phone call.
#idk if this made sense. its 4am#but storytime i guess#years ago. like four now. i had a best friend#i loved her so much. truly i was in love with her. which was the problem#she had a girlfriend. im sure you can guess where this is going#she cheated on her gf with me. i felt guilty and made her tell her gf. months later but better late than never i guess#her gf made her choose between us. understandable. she chose her gf. understandable#so i got a call one night from her. where she said we could never speak again. we couldnt be in each others lives. and i deserved that#it still killed me though. it still kills me. i havent recovered#but this past summer she sent a package to our mutual friend. for me#just something from the camp we both work at. and there on the package was her phone number and address#two years after she left me she volunteered at the camp i worked at and she used to woek at#we ended up talking. and being friends for that one last week. and she mentioned that she wanted to marry her gf#and move in with her. in the city. so when i saw her city address... yeah#i took a picture of her number and address before throwing away the package. something i remembered tonight#its just sitting in my camera roll. her number and address#and i could never call her. never send her a letter#idk what the point of this storytime was#but this is some half decent writing for 4am#i hope you enjoyed
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#my posts#you know how this usually goes#i make an amount of tags so that if you read this its bc you've clicked and its not bc i am just posting it like whatever lmao#... unsure if i should even post it tho but what else do i do just leave it in my brain? idk maybe its the same maybe its better#maybe its worse? .... why have i been feeling kind of like this and at this kind of intensity for like about 2 weeks or more#2 weeks is how long ive been properly aware so i think its more but like. man.#like maybe its been like a month and i just havent been keeping track of time bc january is way too long to even try lmao#. but. idk. i just wish i could be kinda.. stable. like i cant feel good lmao#like it truly doesn't matter nothing is good enough in general#what i do isnt good enough#what goes on around me doesnt help trying to ignore the constant.. dread?#and like all things considered i should be doing good currently#or at least not this bad#but here i am constantly trying to not let myself feel too bad until im alone bc man.#so... yeah it just doesnt feel like anything is truly worth it not me as a person nor the things i do nor the things i experience lmao#also lately ive been just feeling more..... disconnected to others... like i dont understand them and they dont understand me#but like.. more than usual#and i guess its me? that it's kind of a me problem#idk I'm just tired. i need to sleep. i want to let face down on some sort of big water body or do something that will make my life worse#or they i will regret lmao#i. wont do any of those#also when i mean face down in some sort of bldy of water or whatever i dont necessarily mean like die#not against it but its not the only option#just lay there and float..... also not against it#i just want something that i cant have i guess bc im not sure what it is#like i just know what i want is to not constantly feel like this but idk how lmao#... u would sleep if i can bc man also I'm so tired#.... adding tags its a bit worse than I assumed lmao im also thinking about wether i deserve stuff or not lmao#like it got windy and cooler and i was like 'a blanket by my legs would be nice' only to be like 'no you don't deserve that ' like ah yeah#its kinda worse than i thought lmao
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oh boy so i've been lowkey forced to ration my T lately bc the gel i use just hasn't been in stock for a hot minute and i only have 1 bottle left which sucks obviously. i've been taking my usual dose every other day to make it last longer but well my stomach's been feeling a bit weird tonight and i stg if this is a period thing im going to fight god i think
#jack.txt#i don't think that's very likely at all bc i've been doing this for like. 2 weeks and it's not like i've been off T#and im pretty sure it takes longer than that to resume periods when you're completely off T anyway#i guess it could have to do with me going off my anxiety meds this month too and the wombo combo is just taking my body for a ride#idk but like periods were a big discomfort/dysphoria point for me so i hope this is just literally anything else lmao
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...
#it is truly so wild to go from feeling miserable and hopeless all the time for... lets look at my excel sheet#the last 23 days. then to suddenly rocket up to smiling to myself all day. the world is so fucking beautiful#for no rational reason aside from what i have to assume is a chemical shift in my body#like is this what happy ppl feel like all the time? its truely so crazy. have i always been like this?#did i not notice this was a thing? like ive definitely noticed it in the last year but like ???#my suspicion is that it doesnt actually last long enough to b considered hypomania but like idk i should see a doctor probably lol#u would think being happy would make it easier to do things but i just keep forgetting to do them and just like spacing out lol bc rn i#feel chill. even tho i need to make a list of the shit i gotta do by Friday. bleh. but idk it makes being in thr lab so much nicer bc i#mean. i still dont give a fuck abt what im doing but im like fuck it this isnt gonna b my problem in like 2-3 months. even tho im sure ill#still have to write up everything. but idk. it also makes it easier to b like. ok so i kno what my problems r lets plan yo make things not#so horrible so u dont just live a miserable life and then like die having lived a life of fear. like its so crazy how much easier thst is#to do rn??? well see how long it lasts but yea v strange. wish i could control my fucking focus tho. like that would b great#its like the fucking painting of hypnose. my focus is like a lighthouse wildly swinging its light around until it sometimes blasts me in#the face. like not helpful. i need to b able to do things.#i guess the weird thing rn is thst while i feel happy. i also have this like simmering fear of irrational things. like when i used to live#in my parents basement and i was terrified of the dark rooms down there at night. like that kind of childish baseless fear#but like im in i tiny tiny apartment lol like bro what r u scared of??? silly silly silly#idk hopefully it holds out the whole rest of the week and then i can travel and see my parents like !!! yo !!! happy vibes :-D#that would b kinda unhinged lmao. i doubt itll last thst long. its already slipped from this morning so we shall see#unrelated
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Wow I didn't realize I had such a good week till just now.
- I went to my first ever wrestling show and saw my favorite wrestlers live.(I had fun cheering and booing at the top of my lungs with my siblings too, lol)
- I reached out to a Podcaster who's work I really like, who's open to talking to me more in the future if I have stuff to share.
- I had breakfast with my mom and got some new clothes that I think are cute(after a doctor's appointment, I really was dreading)
- Had some really good Japanese food
- I feel I'm finally getting my strength back after 3 years (I just feel more healthy in general)
And some many other little things that made me happy. This time of the month is usually the worst, but this is the first time since I don't know when I just had a good solid week😊
#i was fuckin miserable this time a year ago. i didn't know i had p mdd and i literally thought i was going c razy lol#i was so fuckin p aranoid i could barely eat on top of being incredibly s ick already(p mdd makes me extremely physically ill without#m edication)#g od i really fuckin l ived like that 2 weeks out of every month was hell till i hit my p eriod then i had to go through that bs. ugh.#one year ago was when i finally realized i had it but i was suffering 2 fuckin years before that. i legit thought i was dying it but#no d octor wanted to see m e(c ovid times yknow)#an yway idk why im saying this i guess it's nice to finally look back and see m yself doing better instead of worse ha#well im not in the clear yet. i still have another d octors a ppointment. but hopefully that goes well and I'll be better for a long time#but a good week is a good week tho. I'll take it b aby😌#rin posting💌#i c leaned and o rganized my room today but i actually like doing that l ol#i don't know how to do a r ead more on moble so s orry(i tried)
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were cramps always this bad. why doesnt everyone who has cramps get paid a million dollars to stay home every time they have cramps
#is it possible its worse becos i nerfed my uterus and everything. huh#again assuming these are period cramps and not. smth worse#period mention#i dont think its appendicitis. i guess well find out if i wind up dead!#ok i just looked it up. its entirely possible t is doing this to me#not t generally but. the fact of the current dose#im alternating 1 and 2 pumps and maybe thats whats got me in this situation#some ppl say they still get monthly cramps even if they dont bleed#that literally has not happened to me in 2 years. so it must be the dose change#there was a solid 2 weeks or maybe up to a month where i was just on one tho. idk how long cos it was a blur#the point is i might still be coming back from that. so ill stay my course for now#but if this happens again next month im putting the dose back up. god#save#god my family doesnt know that i havent had cramps in like 2 years. so they probably genuinely think#im just dying LOL#i THINK its 2 years. it could be 1. uhhh
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i’m tired of being worried about my roommates getting me sick. tbh
#idk this sucks ass. i feel bad and lonely. i want to live by myself#i won’t even know if IM sick until friday. pointless to not go to work today if i’m going the rest of the week#i’m feeling increasingly stupid about taking time off at the end of the month bc of the number of days i’ve had off since i scheduled that#and because the thing i wanted to do is too expensive so i feel stupid for thinking i could go do something nice#i hate that we’ve decided we’re just living this way & that it’s fine#whatever 🤙 no one cares anymore so i guess my roommates will just keep giving me long term heart and lung problems#chatpost
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.
#tonight or tomorrow morning actually is the 4 year anniversary of my dog dying and like surprise surprise lol im still not over it like.#i honest to god dont think i ever will. i honestly dont know how people move on and get other pets and just. keep on living like i#understand it like for some people it's part of the healing process but i just could never do it. like i just cant even fathom#i dont know that's not the point. the point is im having such a hard time because everytime i do anything tonight i keep thinking#4 years ago i still had my dog or 4 years ago in 5 hours i didnt know id be going to the vet at 1am and going home without my dog at 5am#and i just keep reliving it no matter how hard i try to not. and on one hand i want it hurt like i want to remember it just to punish myself#i just i just cant move on like it's just. i went 24 years of my life without ever experiencing death and then 4 years ago today my dog dies#in the most tragic possible way ever and then 11 months later my other dog who i had for 17 years since i was 8 dies and yeah still#not over that one either because i never let myself process that or truly grieve her because i had to shut that up real tight#or i would have lost it for real. and i have the most fucked up miserable tragic dreams about her so many nights a week#because she was old and had been u know. like old dogs do they just decline and that was impossibly hard to watch but at least i kind of#knew it was coming u know but like with my other dog. there was just absolutely no warning it was so sudden and it just ripped me apart and#i honest to god will never be okay again and then 6 months after all that i find out my ex died and only because after 6 years i finally#Finally decide to have the guts to talk to him again and apologize and explain and try to be friends and then nope he's dead#then in between all those deaths a super close family friend died and my grandpa my dad's dad died and like it's just#i had never even experienced death before and then all of a sudden i was engulfed in it and i just dont know how to come back from it.#but tonight is just. painful. like i havent even said his name out loud since it happened. i cant talk about him at all just writing this i#want to cry like it just fucking hurts forever. and it should i guess.#and i feel so stupid because so many times i wonder if my cat even remembers them and i wonder if she misses them too and idk#that makes me feel stupid and emotional and im just a wreck but i should be.
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I forget how much I hate the taste of vodka but the whipped cream vodka is so much better my god
#make a drink sweet enough that you can’t taste it when it’s in ur mouth and then all u get is the whipped cream vodka in the burn#makes drinks more tolerable#also this is the fastest I think I’ve ever chugged an alcoholic drink#we are gonna get fucked up tonight bc we have daddy issues and fought with our mom this morning slayyy#smoked a cigarette at the lake now getting fucked up in my room while home alone#life is so good and it’s all bullshit forever#literally we could all die and it doesn’t matter and life is weird and crazy and I am happy it sucks and I am so fucking thrilled to be aliv#at all#life is good regardless of death but I wish death would just like wait patiently for my family#dad I miss u I hope you had a good four twenty where ever you ended up. im sorry moms acting like this. I hope my brothers okay at school.#I hope he’s having a good time and isn’t completely overwhelmed with everything. I was right and apparently he’s gonna come home after grad#uation and im excited to have him home again but my mothers all upset. I know it sucks that you’re dead but it’s nice knowing in a weird way#that you’re the reason me and hunter got close again. so thanks I guess for that. and smoking made me and mom grow closer. idk. you’ve done#a lot for us and most of it had to do with weed. today hurt worse than my birthday. or the six month anniversary. today sucked. and no one#else seemed to be torn apart by it and it made me feel like I was going crazy and no one could even tell#you would’ve noticed if I was acting different. I love you. wherever you are I still love you. and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was such a bitch.#and I wish I took better care of you. but you were my father I wasn’t supposed to take care of you. you should’ve been there for me. we shou#have been there for mom and hunter and your parents and I’ve been thinking a lot about grammie actually. I don’t know how I feel. thinking#about her makes me cry now. I don’t have the heart to make her cry talking about my childhood but I miss her. and I miss being young. I miss#you coming to my Father’s Day dance recitals and coming back from bike week in Laconia and bringing me flowers always wearing your grey#Harley Davidson jacket and you’d have flowers in your arms and you’d be bored but so proud and you’d hug me and you’d smell like weed and#your beard was always scratchy when you’d hug me and I just miss you a lot. I miss you and I fucking hate you for it fuck.#note to self. don’t be pmsing and then get drinking and smoking and thinking of your dead father. you will cry
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I forgot Tumblr is (barely) my only safe place to vent
#i feel like im getting fucking pounded and slapped left and right today with reminders of how little my worth is#and on top ofbthe physical pain. what joy#work is treating me like an afterthought...but only bc im an entitled baby who doesnt know how to stand up for herself or communicate#my brain is so choked of enrichment & badically in survival mode that the thought of things that r suposed to bring me joy just piss me off#im too fucking chicken shit to take advantage of the dream oportunities that dropped in my lap bc idk imposter syndrome i guess#and the newest blow...#the mesures ive taken in the past to help maintain my mental health aparently have cracks in them i.e. blocking that person doesnt seem to#be enough bc i just got slapped in the fucking face with all their goddamn glory and success and ya know im so happy for them#but my brain only lets me see it as a reminder of what i could have. what i am physically capable of is i wasnt me.#with my stupid fucking emotions and my stupid fucking fear and my stupid fucking lack of knowledge.#...i love having to stop while writing this and run to the bathroom in the middle of the office bc im goddamn crying in the club. again#and i love having to just vent here bc ive used all my ~pity me~ and ~complain about my life~ cards for the day. week. month. year...#my mom was right#im ugly. no one cares. and im going to die alone.
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Been informed that. Maybe I come off as commitment phobic since I'm demi. And therefore don't get into relationships right away until I know if I actually like a person (I'll date I'm just not gonna get into a committed relationship until I'm sure I have at least a crush and they at least like me). Mm. I mean like i categorically am Only looking for long term relationships mainly since I'm gonna take a while to like someone and feel lust for them. But interesting to me that maybe despite that, I was coming off the same way ppl who avoid commitment do. Maybe that partly explains why I seem to attract SO many people who just do not want a relationship/are not capable of liking me (but still wanna be with me until they find someone they Actually like :/ )
#rant#i had no idea idk that like. demi could come off that way yo others#idk man. i still thinks its absolutely wild that ppl commit within a week to a month like???#even if u DO lust immediately. even if u do feel an emotional 'attraction' immediately .#how would u know if y actually liked them versus a sjort term attraction like. u dont wven know them well in less than a month#a person could have horrifically opposing values or just uncompatible at#living with u based on their traits. and u do not know that within a month.. ur gonna commit hefore u even know....#i guess thats how it works when u can crush so fast maybe. sounds wild to me tho#any other demiromantic demisexuals out therw following me?#by that i mean. ur dude mejo doesnt get a crush until a few months of knowing someone minimum If I Do#and also i dont feel particularly anything banging or kissing unless im at least falling in love. which makes hookups boring af#so i usually wait to get intimate until im in a committed relationship dalling in love. whixh takes like idk 3-7 months#u know if i get lucky and do get a crush after a few months of dating And we are actually compatible so i start falling in lofe proper
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bitches will create a sideblog just to post their art n then never post there
(im bitches)
#idk im just looking at my art blog like Damn Bitch You Live Like This ?#i always wonder why my silly little shitpost blog has more followers than my art and its like!! Bitch Post Maybe ??#ive been having very severe artblock that goes on and off since like . January i think?#ive only made a few ‘finished’ pieces since the start of the year …#and its either gifts for my friends or low effort things i dont feel like posting#other than that its just alll been unfinished sketches / little shitpost drawings#i guess i could post those as well? but im always like. very self conscious abt showing my ‘messy’ art .. idk why#im a perfectionist when it comes to sharing my art online so . i guess that is why i post like once every 6 months#and then contemplate deleting it the very next day lmao#but its just that more lately ive been really struggling to make. anything at all#i just stare at a blank canvas for hours and its killing me#bc i usually use art to unwind and relax .. but its been a very stressful year for me already#its sucked out all my motivation to do Any form of art - but drawing especially…..#WOW this became a vent post fast LMAO#im hoping after im done with school in a few weeks i’ll find the motivation to pump out several drawings a week like i used to#but for now . Stuggling .#rambles of a sad man#<- im sorry i’ll probably never use this vent tag again but it was . Right there
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...
#i was supposed to spend the last 2 days prepping and relaxing for the start of this big project tomorrow#but ive spent thr last 2 days frantically coding as fast as i could and focusing v hard to get a lot of bullshit done#and ive fixed things since yesterday. the changes i had to make were too too bad bc the thing that went wrong was so fucking weird#but it should be okay by tomorrow. knock on wood. but this does mean ive done fuck all to prep for tomorrow#so we r winging it bby. ugh. just gotta fucking pray that everything goes ok. pls let nothing b broken and let everything seal properly 🙏#i was also supposed to meet with my boss today. probably for her to make sure i dont fuck up this project but apparently their safety hood#was having an emergency... whatever that means. so im sure shes having a week as well. and im free to fuck everything up for everyone#ugh. im so. theres a certain point in burning out where youre not really in pain anymore. you dont really feel anything all your joy and#hope dissolves away and u just exist to be useful. and i feel like its easier to maintain that than trying to b happy#i do not advise that bc its a fucking miserable. wasteful way to live but i dont really have time to try for anything better#god. i really hope my measurements friday dont take a full 8hrs. i dont know if i can handle that. literally i would have stay intensely#focused with my brain being Interrupted every 5min so i can manually record data points. its gonna b agony#so that fun. but maybe it wont. maybe itll be great and fun and ill have a wonderful time. seems unlikely but ya never kno#lets not think abt the fact that having to rush all this is preventing me from being able to do all thr other bullshit i need to get done#to prepare for the future. future? what future? hard to imagine from the bottom of this pit im digging myself#sigh. in a few months i can leave this place and never come back. soon but not soon enough#lol i was literally crying listening to cold play earlier bc idk thats the type of music my parents would put on at parties in summertime#so it evokes a v specific mood. which is i guess me hiding away from ppl at parties haha#back when i didnt have to worry abt things so much and i could just listen to the frogs chirping and watch the fireflies#oh god. now my boss is asking if i reached out for help tomorrow. no. lady i would rather drink bleach than have to direct an undergrad#tomorrow. its 10pm im fucking tired. just let me be sad. did i reach our for help? no my brain is on fire#tomorrow is gonna b a long day ugh#unrelated
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