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it's been a Long Ass Time since I've had so many rushing emotions over an entity whom I will never get to know on a personal level and it is Breaking My Brain LMAO why am I like this
Also just basically re-discovering all the check-boxes I have to like an entity. I say entity because to this day I really don't know if these are things I want to have in a real-life partner, or things I like in my entertainment.
But basically... Doppi encapsulates it all. Lmfao.
The End.
LOL
Previously I've probably said similar about Sonny, but the one thing about Sonny is that sometimes I get the sense that his humor behind the scenes could get a little dark/sarcastic beyond my comfort. Otherwise he too is very...yes.
I've yet to hear Doppi sing (sadly...I regret not getting into him sooner and missing his karaoke as a result sobs) but I imagine he probably has similar vocal capacities as Sonny? But Sonny sure can belt like man... hard to beat that imo.
But then there's Doppi's General Talented Vocal Chords and every new thing I watch of his I am increasingly surprised, grow more feelings, fall more in (dare I say it) love... it's absurd.
Really, really absurd.
Ingenious, funny, kind, soft, cool, unabashedly himself, talented as hell, confident without being annoyingly cocky or egotistical, apparently built as fuck, evidently very athletic.................and yet so very nerdy and chuuni and dorky like
And with his voice like. normally it's got a lighter more casual feel to it, kinda goofy and playful, sometimes it becomes a little deeper and softer when he's a little more focused or serious on something, and then when he's Really doing it on purpose, it becomes so deep that I can hear and feel the vibrations, it becomes sultry and addictingly delectable... OR he gets all growly when he's passionate and stuff and THAT can even sound attractive somehow... or when he gets really excitable and high-pitched and his words run together into jibberish... it's SO cute...
how is he real????????????????????
truly the duality of man and it is driving me insane. seriously.
also like when I went and found The Forbidden Knowledge and listened to some of his old stuff like bro. BRO.............. he has a RIGHT to be cocky and he CHOOSES not to. I respect that, frfr.
For this guy to single-handedly remind me that I LOVE when people
have wide acting talent, ESPECIALLY in the voice department
have wide vocal range, and a nice enough voice that I can feel tingles (and this man makes me feel full-on body tremors)
are confident (even a bit cocky sometimes) but in a way that shows that they are simply self-assured, and not doing it to stomp on others
healthy dose of athleticism
cute AND cool
funny AND smart
kind and appreciative and genuine to others and the community
like...damn. he really is just about everything I unconsciously gravitate towards in people wrapped into one.
Sonny does check off quite a few of those boxes, but he's also just. Sonny. like he has duality of man in terms of his voice acting talent, but he is what you get, he is as labeled on the tin, and I appreciate that about him and his branding. If you dig deeper, if you stick around, if you're LUCKY, you'll see he can be softer and wholesome, but he's usually just being silly, shooting the shit, and being really tsun to chat lol (he "abuses/bullies" his briskadets and briskadets does it back kind of thing).
And before I forget, let me bring in Enokiya.
Enokiya also ticks off pretty much all my boxes too, I've come to realize over the years. Like the more he's shared about himself, his life struggles, his thoughts on his job, how he moves through the world, etc.., I've come to really, really admire him and appreciate his work and existence in the seiyuu world, right? But also like. good looks, EXCELLENT comedic timing and sense of humor (I love word play, dark humor, jokes delivered in a flat, point-blank tone, etc.; it's quite similar to Sonny's and thus why I like Sonny's humor too), AND HIS ACTING RANGE MAN LIKE YES X1000000... and so on. I could go on and on and on. But you look at the bullet points I listed above? He checks off all of them, pretty much. He's just more...sleepy/tired vibes. He's just a guy after all. LOL
So like. yeah. I have found entities that I realize like wow! Ya'll check off almost all of my boxes, if not all!
but then there's Doppi... oh Doppi.
The amount of times the things he says has nearly made me cry in the past 2 weeks is kind of ridiculous lmfao. I have admittedly been in PMS/period mode so I know that's part of the reason why, but like. He is SO fucking wholesome and earnest and kind about his community and making sure everyone feels welcomed and Worth It and just.......................god.
again. how is he REAL,
Like, I guess the missing piece with Enokiya and Sonny is that you don't always easily feel the appreciation for fans. I think with Sonny we do get it every now and then (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.), and with Enokiya I feel like I felt it FINALLY after meeting him at Sakura-con... but it's like. infrequent, right?
But with Doppi... man. It's ALWAYS there. He makes SURE you know that he appreciates you the viewer, us the community, his staff, his fellow gen-mates, all his senpais, etc. like... if you didn't want to know before, he insists that you know that he appreciates you and everything you add to the streaming experience.
How on earth does he do it... They do say though that the kindest people have been through Some Shit and I have to wonder...what kinds of life experiences made him the way he is today... what tragedies did he have to endure? ; ;
I know what we see is just his public-facing self, but I'd like to think that he's been pretty genuinely himself on stream. He seems like it, anyway...especially given how others have been like "yeah, he's just. like that. always." about his chuuni-ness LOL.
Sometimes I get so caught up in my feelings over Doppi that my anxieties and insecurities bubble up. Not healthy enough, not taking care of myself enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, don't know enough about otaku contents, not understanding all his reference and jokes, not being talented, etc. etc. etc.
I'm trying to make sure I don't fall in TOO deep, but it happens, you know? Just gotta be careful (': I think he'd be understanding of trying to maintain the delicate balance that mental wellness requires, after all lol. It's definitely something to help keep me in check too like... okay insecurities bubbling up...let's go do something or watching something else to make me stop hyperfixating so much on a good thing (Doppi) that it turns into a bad thing (my insecurities in life).
Anyway. This wasn't supposed to get so long. What the fuck happened,
PS: it is high time I acknowledge that I have a voice fetish and like a...smart/intelligent/capable fetish???idfk but damn if I don't feel so kimoi and creepy every time I try to acknowledge it as Real and Not Going Away LMAOOO
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every birthmarks everybody dies parallel takes twenty years off my life
#this can’t have been intentional but then like. the boring thing#they absolutely rewatched birthmarks before writing that ending#so maybe it was#wish i could’ve gone into that writers room and strangled them all to death with my bare hands#also someone must have pointed this out already but i don’t think i’ve seen it if they have i think i would’ve gone insane then and there#house md#hilson#+
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Since there’s a lot of overlap, what would you say are the main differences between chimmycore and jeremycore (and hueycore). Like in a Venn diagram, what wouldn’t generally overlap?
OUGH. UHHH UHHHHHHHH
HONESTLY. I. wouldgnt know.
The more I Venn the more the lines blur together. Maybe its just about the vibes. Or how they'd react to certain situations. Or something. I. dodnt kno.
#asks#clownjacket#i was gonna put immortal on the venn but then i realized it... cant fit anywhere.#i have no clue man#i think “Day since Time Loop” is probs the best indication???#huey's on day 4 and he's already gone insane#jeremy's on day 200 and STILL thinks maybe this time he wont accidentally say Thanks You Too to the waiter#chimmy's on day 800. he hasnt picked up on the fact that hes in a time loop at all.
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“She had no magic to wield, save for the keen eyes of the goddess at her shoulder and an uncanny ability to remain unnoticed, to play into expectations.”
#Chapter 23#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#Lorcan Salvaterre#Elide Lochan#Elorcan#no spoilers please first read to read along with me#more notes quotes annotations & reacts in the tags spoilers for the chapter & book in post & tags of course pt 2 of 4 perspectives#Lorcan had never felt the weight of the hours so heavily upon him-I FEEL IT 2poor Rowan must feel this 247HURRY where’s Elide?hold on Aelin!#And to send Elide into Maeve's clutches--it had taken all of his will to let her walk away.😭#If Elide was captured if she was found out he wouldn't hear of it know of it. — you’d know cause she’s your mate idiot (I love you idiot#without proving their worth they could still visit--briefly. — ugh Maeve why does everything about you suck so much#If she emerged. — COME ON ELIDE — I CANT HANDLE ANOTHER CAIRN-NAPPING#the Prince of the North and the Lion the protector and the ever impatient in love idiot we all love Lorcan#He knew some of them. Had commanded them. Were they now his enemy? — they are all having some inner morality battles#What manner of birds? Raptors mostly — none from the House of Whitethorn — they fought for him on the other borders… for her🥹😭them#why so many guards if no Aelin hmm???? SHES HERE GUYS#though Gavriel kept glancing to the tattoos inked on his hands. How many more lives would he need to add before they were through?#Aelin had been trained to endure torture. Elide... He could see those scars on her from the shackles. — how about we save them both?😭🖤#She had endured too much suffering and terror already. He couldn't allow her to face another heartbeat of it--#Rowan and his random hatchet now😅😂 it’s giving my wife is gone unhinged in the woods with the bros might become a horror movie vibes#But then a two-note whistle echoed and Lorcan's legs wobbled so violently he sat back onto the rock where he'd been perched-OH MY ELORCAN😭🖤#also Lorcan… perched??? isn’t that bird boy Rowan’s thing?😅😂🤣#her cheeks rosy in the cool night air. — cheeks pink in the twinkling lights tell me bout the first time you saw me (shipping in insanity)#She was fine. She was unhurt. There was no enemy on her tail. Elide's eyes met his. Wary and uncertain. I met someone.#THANK GOD — but also wait WHAT-when?WHO?HOW?#also this quote posted is like one of the reasons I love Elide#another grand Maasverse enterance is on its way?#the fact the opening line shows that being sold out to Maeve is the same as death — OH GET TO AELIN ALREADY PLEASE#no more tattoos guys — what’s with Maeve’s wolves — isn’t dark haired beauty what Elide called the girl in the caravan so maybe it’s her
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Being into jfashion now doesn’t feel the same was it did back in the 2010s ;-; there was a magic to it almost
#maybe I’m too old or idk what it is#almost all the jfashion/liz Lisa girlies that wore it back in 2014-2017 gree out of it and there’s no shame#cuz like I did as well kind of but I’m slowly getting back into it#for whatever reason but I’m trying not to be crazy because I already have TONS of clothing#and Liz Lisa esp the prices has gone insanely up from what I remember#I guess In a way I was closer to age to the women who wore it back then and everyone into it now is super super young#and I felt a sense of community back then#which is silly to say out loud#I’m also older and more insecure about how I look as the years pass which is sad#or at least how I appear on camera in person it’s not as bad but#for some reason I cannot stand how I look in pictures/video
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Random yes but thank u for making that frusan art awhile ago it's adorable and i love seeing more art of this underappreciated ship :D!!!
ahhh thank you!!! frusan is so underrated FOR REAL, i guess it's probably because after Islands they all but disappeared (like i think they were only shown twice after that and that's including in Fionna & Cake (which i actually missed when i watched it bc its such a brief glimpse)) but like. still. I actually have a little idea for another frusan drawing (frieda and susan talking on a roof grown-up edition) but I have to break up the dialogue into parts & think of more Susan Reactions so it's not just Frieda monologuing at her lol
#frieda is such a compelling character to me augh because seriously living on the islands sounds like. idk. scary in an existential way#like if I lived on that tiny(?) island always with the same people and didn't have hope that I would maybe someday get to explore someplace#new and meet new people. i would explode i think.#and frieda HAS hope & the drive to follow through with it#but then susan goes robo-mode and like surely any hope is just GONE after that#thats such a crazy interesting dynamic can't believe everyone else on earth isn't also insane about this#obviously it's not susan's fault that she went robo-mode but it's still recieved as a betrayal yk. so sad :(#and then susan went after finn & they probably all assumed she was dead#AHHH??? i can't even imagine how that would have felt for frieda?? like imagine you're trying to get off the islands and your favourite#person won't go with you but she helps you. but then she betrays you (not her fault but yk) and then (i'm assuming its not even that long#after) she's sent off the islands and she goes willingly#like wowww way to rub salt in the wound susan omg (i love susan this is not susan negativity)#my little angsty hc about that is like. frieda still holds a little bit of resentment towards her for what happened but she knows she#shouldn't because what if susan was right? what if she left the islands and it wasn't safe and she DIED?#but then also what if she isn't? what if she just left and it wasn't worth coming back? what if frieda wasn't worth coming back for? yanno#stuff like that. AGHHH hhh i love frieda#and then they go adventuring together and work it out and kiss on the mouth#uhhh i'll stop myself there before i write a whole essay in the tags (or maybe i already have ahahah...) but yeah. i love frusan :3
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am finally back home and can say without a doubt that i am just fundamentally not built for long distance travel however the train was much nicer than planes
#that being said. pressurized cabins drive me insane a little bit#and also it gives you pretty intense sea legs for a While#like. the ones from the first trip hadnt gone away by the return one. so. might be stuck with that for a few days#we shall see#also ajr live fucks severely#the albums were already incredible but that was a goddamn religious experience#like. idk the way i think abt it is theyre more djs than a regular band esp w their performance showing the making of way less sad#like their music is very electronic‚ theyre making mixes of their own sound effects more than singing in one go#so like. the vocals were a teeensy bit rough at times#notably times it has taken me Literally Hundreds Of Hours Practice to be able to consistently sing along with#and times ive found its literally physically impossible to like. no matter what#idc how big your lungs are‚ there is no human on earth who can do that final run of karma in one breath#much less to An Entire Stadium After An Hour Of Jumping And Dancing And Singing Loud As Fuck#so like i dont blame them for that‚ you dont go to live shows expecting it to be 100% perfect anyways jwbdjsbfksb#the trumpet however. well she was certainly playing sometimes. and was very enthusiastic about her flares.#however. in most of their songs they use midi trumpets to my ear at least#meaning she was likely an addition specifically for live performances and in my personal band kid opinion#prooobably was not in any of the like. higher tier bands? idk just. a lot of the mistakes she was making were hitting as stuff that got#taught out of us the instant we joined any band beyond regular concert#so i would guess she was probably just like. a friend who happened to play trumpet in high school or maybe even just middle school#and they knew that the trumpet parts in their pieces were big and distinct enough that like they /had/ to get a live player#and just kinda. didnt anticipate the audition -> performance gap#like. her tone was really fried the whole time like she was playing as hard as possible#which. she was mic'd. have the sound guy turn her up.#the way they did it made it sound like she was using a mute but not. like she only got the bad parts of a mute from it yknow#her tempo and timing were. bad. theres no nice way to put that one it just Was Bad‚ like the trumpet runs in ajr songs arent. complicated#like. quite literally if you handed me the sheet music right now i would have it down perfect in a week at absolute most#and better than that player on sightread. like. we did so many sightreading drills.#like ill share my band kid creds if anyone cares but i need to emphasize this isnt me being braggy like. they genuinely just arent hard#fuck im out of tags. w/e i think only like one of yall also listens to them anyways so i can leave it there
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good morning it is now 4 am and i have just finished watching atonement good night
#atonement#next tags are just going to be personal rants ignore that#i couldn’t sleep at all so i tried reading s&b and then fanfics and then the bell jar but it just didn’t hit#so then i tried writing but i just kept crying so i thought i’d watch a romance movie because yes#should’ve gone for four weddings and a funeral or pride and prejudice because what the hell is this#i didn’t know anything about this movie i just remember having it on my watchlist and saw ONE clip so i picked that help#and yes i ended up crying and the tears are still here but i’m also starting to think that that’s not entirely because of the movie at all#i stripped my bed off its sheets because the bright color annoyed me and it was already peeling off anyway and i was too lazy to put it rig#and when i pulled back from the screen after the movie finished and just look at how bare my bed is and how i’m in the middle of them#i just started crying again#and my legs are aching and i hate myself and i think i want to take a shower but maybe i’ll wait later on#i don’t think i’ll sleep at all honestly i’m not sleepy anymore#besides i’m thinking of going outside today just at the park i don’t know doing something#i always sleep really really late lately because my parents are out of country right now and no one is keeping me checked and i apparently#still can’t take care of myself. cried about that too it was something. why am the eldest daughter i’m so not fit for it#and then i always wake up at like 9 am and it’s already too late by then that i just never do anything productive#and it’s like i’ve been living in a simulation and i’m kinda going crazy and insane but it’s okay because today is going to be better#i hope because i’m not getting any sleep and i can finally go outside at 7 in the morning instead when it’s already way too hot#damn this is supposed to be one of the best years of my life??????? fuck off#also i can hear the azan subuh from the mosque by the neighborhood and i miss praying honestly#it’s so funny because i was happy to get my period because that meant i wouldn’t have to wake up so very early on in the morning#but i miss it now#hopefully my period will end soon#nadirants
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the NORMAL book to read in a tree on campus at my very professional adult job is the scientific history book, but the one that WILL get me the look of absolute befuddlement and mild consternation I crave from my supervisor is the gnostic gospels, so here we are
#jk I will probably put the actual fuckin library book I still have to finish in my backpack like the smart cookie I am#I have had at least one of my library books for over a year. and at this point it's just a point of spite that I will finish it.#tbh I may return that one cuz it's just a media studies book on time travel in tv and film and I'm like. what are you gonna tell me.#what are you going to impart to me that I don't already know.#I've got a media degree and have watched every piece of media referenced in the book. what do you have to tell me.#however. derrida on time is like. I NEED TO GET THROUGH THAT BOOK. FUCK. for my soul#DON'T @ me we've known I'm insane in this particular way. if you didn't idk what to tell you okay.#I have to say I've done very well at not buying books. I have bought One all year.#it helps that I haven't gone anywhere. but.#I should go to the used bookstore next to campus tho. cuz I wanna. 'should' I say lmfao.#it's as a treat!!! also I don't think I perused their poetry section last time I was there.#NOT that I don't have like three poetry anthologies to read on my shelf right now. fuck.#hmm maybe I should actually bring the norton native nations poetry anthology instead.#got that one. we want it all (transpoetics). and a book of luminous things.#ugggggh I have so much reading to do.#jesus CHRIST I have a to do list
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He didn’t die!!
#I was so certain kennedy was gonna die#I’m so upset I never saw this show sooner I would have gone INSANE for a sailor with seizures being treated like a human as a kid holy shit#it would’ve been airing just as I realised that I’d probably give my arm to sail lol#if anything happens to archie kennedy I’m taking everyone and myself out#lmao#just kinda surprised. my whole paper was on the archetypes of epileptic characters#and here’s one that just straight up DEFIES all of them jfc#yeah I’m still MAD#was all of the english speaking world keeping this a secret?? my coworker mentioned it like it was common knowledge#wondering if I should try the books#I CRAVE good epilepsy portrayals I’m so starved#living off of scraps#yes I’m enjoying the show overall but let me just have this one#it’s healing#grown ass man smiling like a child lol you lot have no idea how much this means to my stupid heart#so I’m only on episode 3 of hornblower but books maybe??#my reading list is already is long as my leg and I’m rereading monstrous regiment for the nth time (it’s my all time comfort book)#(all about war crimes and gender and this isn’t the blog for discworld sorry
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brain bad but im listening to the narzissenkreuz questline ost and. man i want to play the quests again and i WOULD but i have such a hard time reading non-voiced world quests which SUCKS bc this quest series like. the fucking best and i would argue better than some of the archon quests
#yappin#everyone shits on the inazuma quests bc rightfully so there was so much potential w/ the civil war that just went right down the drain#ngl kazuha was the only Good thing i feel#and hot take but i dont think that sumeru AQs were that great#like the individual characters are good and fine but theres a pretty big disconnect with the characters & their motivations in the quest#i feel the characters were just roles to be filled for a coup and they could have used any character to achieve the same story outcome#as funny as it is that al haitham only got involved bc his cushy office job was in danger is funny and all#but i feel like only nilou and maybe cyno were the only ones to have personal reasons to be part of the coup#they should have let candace in on the action bc she DID have reason to be involved#seeing has how the akademiya were kidnapping the insane scholars that THEY dumped onto aaru village to take care of#ive gone on and on abt how good the fontaine AQs are like theres a lot of weird plot holes and weird decisions#especially abt the way government works + meropide#but the contrast of the character driven arcs vs the actual plot/action/lore was done so fucking good#there were reason for me to be invested in navia/the twins/neuvillette/furina bc we werent just TOLD their stories#but there with them taking an active role during their character arcs#so being already invested in characters going into the plot/lore just made it so much more enjoyable#but anyways narzissenkreuz sweep#fool in fontaine
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It would be disastrous if I was ever put in a classic eldritch lovecraft situation. Even when I'm as sane of mind as I can be and actively Not experiencing the horrors the best I can muster is a 'I can see why... someone may... not want to give into and join the horrors and be twisted into unfathomable beauty. I mean horror'. I'd be so gone dude like it isn't even a question. I'd be waking up at 5am to get in line for it when it opens at 2pm.
#tide of consciousness#Part of the horror of some of those situations is being an outsider looking in on someone already taken#And like... listen. The people who are taken sure don't seem upset about it#So... obviously... even if they would have objected before#Because. So d. Do you understand#God I'd be so fucking gone instantly#Nyarlathotep pleeease please please... please.........#My most insane gender.#<- no I will not elaborate#It's so funny because talking like this like I could be an exception is exactly what gets people screwed in the stories#But maybe I. Want to get screwed over anyway... I'm just saying
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Kingdom of Ash Chapter 54
Chapter; Highlights
Before battle tomorrow-before they might stand a chance of actually saving Anielle.
He was still working through all that had transpired these months he'd been gone. The battles and losses. Where Dorian had gone with Manon and the Thirteen. Chaol could only pray his friend was successful-and that he didn't take it upon himself to forge the Lock.
Needing to unravel all he'd learned, he'd left Aelin and the others near the Great Hall to find whatever food they could, immediately.
Part of him half wondered if the mare knew that his back ached, that he needed his cane, but that he chose to be here.
He ran a hand down her ebony mane, then patted her strong neck. "Ready to trample some Valg grunts tomorrow, my friend?"
Farasha huffed, angling a dark eye at him as if to say, Are you?
Chaol smiled, and Yrene laughed softly. "I should head back to the hall," his wife said.
"See who needs help." But she lingered. Their eyes met over Farasha's powerful back.
He came around the horse, still mindful of her biting. "I know," he said quietly. Yrene angled her head. "Know what?"
Chaol interlaced their fingers. And then laid their hands atop her still-flat abdomen.
"Oh," was all Yrene said, her mouth popping open. "I- How?"
Chaol's heart thundered. "It's true, then." Her golden eyes scanned his. "Do you want it to be?"
Chaol slid a hand against her cheek. "More than I ever realized."
Yrene's smile was wide and lovely enough to fracture his heart. "It's true," she breathed.
"How far along?"
"Almost two months."
He studied her stomach, the place that would soon swell with the child growing inside her. Their child. "You didn't tell me, I'm assuming, because you didn't want me to worry."
Yrene bit her lip. "Something like that."
He snorted. "And when you were waddling around, belly near bursting?"
Yrene whacked his arm. "I'm not going to waddle."
Chaol laughed, and tugged her into his arms. "You'll waddle beautifully, was what I meant to say." Yrene's laughter reverberated into him, and Chaol kissed the top of her head, her temple. "We're having a child," he murmured onto her hair.
Her arms came around him. "We are," she whispered. "But how did you know?"
"My father," Chaol grumbled, "apparently possesses better observational skills than I do." He felt, more than saw, her cringe. "You're not angry I didn't tell you?"
"No. I would have appreciated hearing it from your lips first, but I understand why you didn't want to say anything yet. Stupid as it might be," he added, nipping at her ear. Yrene jabbed him in the ribs, and he laughed again.
Laughed, even though every day they'd fought in this battle, every opponent he'd faced, he'd dreaded making a fatal mistake. Had been unable to forget that should he fall, he'd be taking them both with him.
Her arms tightened around him, and Yrene nestled her head against his chest. "You'll be a brilliant father," she said softly. "The most brilliant one to ever exist."
"High praise indeed, coming from a woman who wanted to toss me from the highest window of the Torre a few months ago."
"A healer would never be SO unprofessional."
Chaol grinned, and breathed in her scent before he pulled back and brushed his mouth against hers. "I am happier than I can ever express, Yrene, to share this with you. Anything you need, I am yours to command."
Her lips twitched upward. "Dangerous words."
But Chaol ran his thumb over her wedding band. "I'll have to win this war quickly, then, so I can have our house built by the summer."
She rolled her eyes. "A noble reason to defeat Erawan."
Chaol stole another kiss from her. "As much as I would like to show you just how much I am at your command," he said against her mouth,
"I have another matter to deal with before bed." Yrene's brows rose.
He grimaced. "I need to introduce Aelin to my father. Before they run into each other." The man hadn't been near the hall when they'd arrived, and Chaol had been too worried for Farasha's well-being to bother hunting him down.
Yrene cringed, though amusement sparked in her eyes. "Is it bad if I want to join you? And bring snacks?"
Chaol slung an arm around her shoulders, giving Farasha a farewell stroke before they left. Despite the cane, each step was limping, and the pain in his back lanced down his legs, but it was secondary. All of it, even the damned war, was secondary to the woman at his side.
To the future they'd build together.
As well as Yrene's conversation with Chaol had gone, that's how badly things went between Aelin Galathynius and his father.
Yrene didn't bring snacks, but that was only because by the time they reached the Great Hall, they had intercepted his father. Storming toward the room where Aelin and her companions had gone for a reprieve.
"Father," Chaol said, falling into step beside him. Yrene said nothing, monitoring Chaol's movements. The pain in his back had to be great, if he was limping this deeply, even while her magic refilled. She had no idea where he'd left his chair—if it had been crushed under falling debris. She prayed it had not.
His father snapped, "You fail to wake me when the Queen of Terrasen arrives at my castle?"
"It wasn't a priority." Chaol halted before the door that opened into the small chamber that had been vacated for the queen and knocked.
A grunt was the only confirmation before Yrene’s husband shouldered open the door enough to poke his head inside. "My father," Chaol said to whoever was inside, presumably the queen, "would like to see you."
Silence, then the rustling of clothes and steps.
Yrene kept back as Aelin Galathynius appeared, her face and hands clean, but clothes still dirty. At her side stood that towering, silver-haired Fae warrior-Rowan Whitethorn.
Whom the royals had spoken of with such fear and respect months ago. In the room, Lady Elide sat against the far wall, a tray of food beside her, and the giant white wolf lay sprawled on the ground, monitoring with half-lidded eyes.
A shock to see the shift, to realize these Fae might be powerful and ancient, but they still had one foot in the forest. The queen, it seemed, preferred the form as well, her delicately pointed ears half-hidden by her unbound hair.
Behind her, there was no sign of the golden-haired, melancholy warrior, Gavriel, or the utterly terrifying Lorcan. Thank Silba for that, at least.
Aelin left the door open, though their two court members remained seated. Bored, almost. "Well, now," was all the queen said as she stepped into the hall.
Chaol's father looked over the warrior-prince at her side. Then he turned his head toward Chaol and said, "I assume they met in Wendlyn. After you sent her there."
Yrene tensed at the taunting in the man's voice. Bastard. Horrible bastard.
Aelin clicked her tongue. "Yes, yes, let's get all that out of the way. Though I don't think your son really regrets it, does he?" Aelin's eyes shifted to Yrene, and Yrene tried not to flinch under that turquoise-and-gold stare. Different from the fire she'd beheld that night in Innish, but still full of that razor-sharp awareness.
Different-they were both different from the girls they'd been. A smile curved the queen's mouth. "I think he made out rather well for himself." She frowned up at her consort. "Yrene, at least, doesn't seem like the sort to hog the blankets and snore in one's ear all night."
Yrene coughed as Prince Rowan only smiled at the queen. "I don't mind your snoring," he said mildly.
Aelin's mouth twitched when she turned to Chaol's father. Yrene's own laughter died at the lack of light on the man's face. Chaol was tense as a drawn bowstring as the queen said to his father, "Don't waste your breath on taunts. I'm tired, and hungry, and it won't end well for you."
"This is my keep."
Aelin made a good show of gaping at the ceiling, the walls, the floors. "Is it really?"
Yrene had to duck her head to hide her grin. So did Chaol.
But Aelin said to the Lord of Anielle, "I trust you're not going to get in our way."
A line in the sand. Yrene's breath caught in her throat.
Chaol's father said simply, "Last I looked you were not Queen of Adarlan."
"No, but your son is Hand to the King, which means he outranks you." Aelin smiled with horrific sweetness at Chaol. "Haven't you told him that?"
Yrene and Aelin were no longer the girls they'd been in Innish, yes, but that wildfire still remained in the queen's spirit. Wildfire touched with insanity.
Chaol shrugged. "I figured I'd tell him when the time arose." His father glowered.
Prince Rowan, however, said to the man, "You've defended and prepared your people admirably. We have no plans to take that from you."
"I don't need the approval of Fae brutes," the lord sneered Aelin clapped Rowan on the shoulder.
"Brute. I like that. Better than 'buzzard,' right?"
Yrene had no idea what the queen was talking about, but she held in her laugh anyway.
Aelin sketched a mocking bow to the Lord of Anielle. "On that lovely parting note, we're going to finish up our dinners. Enjoy your evening, we'll see you on the battlements tomorrow, and please do rot in hell." Then Aelin was turning away, a hand guiding her husband inside. But not before the queen threw a grin over her shoulder to Yrene and Chaol and said, eyes bright—with joy and warmth this time, "Congratulations."
How she knew, Yrene had no idea. But the Fae possessed a preternatural sense of smell. Yrene smiled all the same as she bowed her head-just before Aelin slammed the door in the Lord of Anielle's face.
Chaol turned to his father, any hint of amusement expertly hidden. "Well, you saw her."
Chaol's father shook with what Yrene supposed was a combination of rage and humiliation, and stalked away. It was one of the finest sights Yrene had ever seen.
From Chaol's smile, she knew her husband felt the same.
"What a horrible man." Elide finished off her chicken leg before handing the other to Fenrys, who had shifted back into his Fae form. He tore into it with a growl of appreciation. "Poor Lord Chaol."
Aelin, her aching legs stretched out before her as she leaned against the wall, finished off her own portion of chicken, then dug into a hunk of dark bread. "Poor Chaol, poor his mother, poor his brother. Poor everyone who has to deal with him."
At the lone, narrow window of the room, monitoring the dark army hundreds of feet below, Rowan snorted. "You were in rare form tonight."
Aelin saluted him with her hunk of hearty oaten bread. "Anyone who interrupts my dinner risks paying the price."
Rowan rolled his eyes, but smiled. Just as Aelin had seen him smile when they'd both scented what was on Yrene. The child in her.
She was happy for Yrene-for them both.
Chaol deserved that joy, perhaps more than anyone. As much as her own mate.
Aelin didn't let the thoughts travel further.
Not as she finished her bread and came to the window, leaning against Rowan's side. He slid an arm around her shoulders, casual and easy.
None of them mentioned Maeve.
Elide and Fenrys continued eating in silence, giving them what privacy they could in the small, bare room they'd be sharing, sleeping on bedrolls. The Lord of Anielle, it seemed, did not share her appreciation for luxury. Or basic comforts for his guests. Like hot baths. Or beds.
"The men are terrified," Rowan said, gazing out at the levels of the keep below. "You can smell it."
"They've held this keep for days now. They know what's waiting for them at dawn."
"Their fear," Rowan said, his jaw tightening, "is proof they do not trust our allies.
Proof they don't trust the khagan's army to actually save them. It will make for sloppy fighters. Could create a weakness where there shouldn't be one."
"Perhaps you should have told Chaol," Aelin said.
"He could give them some motivational speech."
"I have a feeling Chaol has given them plenty. This sort of fear rots the soul."
"What's to be done for it, then?" Rowan shook his head. "I don't know." But she sensed he did know. Sensed that he wanted to say something else, and either their current company or some sort of hesitation barred him.
So Aelin didn't push, and surveyed the battlements with their patrolling soldiers, the sprawling, dark army beyond. Baying cries and howls rent the night, the sounds unearthly enough that they dragged a shudder down her spine.
"Is a land battle easier or worse than one at sea?" Aelin asked her husband, her mate, peering at his tattooed face.
She'd only faced the ships in Skull's Bay, and even that had been over relatively quickly.
And against the ilken who'd swarmed them in the Stone Marshes, it had been more an extermination than anything. Not what awaited them tomorrow. Not what her friends had fought on the Narrow Sea while she and Manon had been in the mirror, then with Maeve on the beach.
Rowan considered. "They're just as messy, but in different ways."
"I'd rather fight on land," Fenrys grumbled.
"Because no one likes the smell of wet dog?" Aelin asked over her shoulder.
Fenrys laughed. "Exactly because of that."
At least he was smiling again.
Rowan's mouth twitched, but his eyes were hard as he surveyed the enemy army.
"Tomorrow's battle will be just as brutal," he said. "But the plan is sound."
They'd be on the battlements with Chaol, readying for any desperate maneuvers Morath might attempt when they found themselves being herded and crushed by the khagan's army.
Elide would be with Yrene and the other healers in the Great Hall, helping the injured.
Where Lorcan and Gavriel would be, Aelin could only assume. Both had peeled off upon arriving, the latter taking watch somewhere, and the former likely brooding. But they'd probably be fighting right alongside them.
As if her thoughts had summoned him, Gavriel slipped into the room. "The army looks quiet enough," he said by way of greeting, then unceremoniously dropped to the floor beside Fenrys and hauled the platter of chicken toward him. "The men are rife with fear, though. Days of defending these walls have worn on them." Rowan nodded, not bothering to tell the Lion they'd just discussed this as Gavriel ripped into the food. "We'll have to make sure they don't balk tomorrow, then."
Indeed.
"I was wondering," Elide said to none of them in particular after a moment. "Since Maeve is an imposter, who would rule Doranelle if she was banished with all the other Valg?"
"Or burned to a crisp," Fenrys muttered.
Aelin might have smiled grimly, but Elide's question settled into her. Gavriel slowly set down the chicken. Rowan's arm dropped from Aelin's shoulders. His pine-green eyes were wide. "You."
Aelin blinked. "There are others from Mab's line. Galan, or Aedion—"
"The throne passes through the maternal line-to a female only. Or it should have, Rowan said. "You're the sole female with a direct, undiluted claim to Mab's bloodline."
"And your household, Rowan," Gavriel said. "Someone in your household would have a claim on Mora's half of the throne."
"Sellene. It would go to her." Even as a prince, Rowan's own heritage connecting him to Mora's bloodline had thinned to the point of being in name only. Aelin was more closely related to Elide, probably to Chaol, too, than she was to Rowan, despite their distant ancestry.
"Well, Sellene can have it," Aelin said, wiping her hands of dust that was not there. "Doranelle's hers." She wouldn't set foot in that city again, Maeve or no. She wasn't sure if that made her a coward. She didn't dare reach for her magic's comforting rumble.
"The Little Folk truly knew," Fenrys mused, rubbing his jaw. "What you were."
They had always known her, the Little Folk. Had saved her life ten years ago, and saved their lives these past few weeks. They had known her, and left gifts for her. Tribute, she'd thought, to Brannon's Heir. Not to... Gavriel murmured, "The Faerie Queen of the West."
Silence.
Aelin blurted, "Is that an actual title?"
"It is now," Fenrys muttered. Aelin shot him a look.
"With Sellene as the Fae Queen of the East," Rowan mused.
No one spoke for a good minute.
Aelin sighed up at the ceiling. "What's another fancy title, I suppose?"
They didn't answer, and Aelin tried not to let the weight of that title settle too heavily. All it implied. That she might not only look after the Little Folk on this continent, but with the cadre, begin a new homeland for any Fae who might wish to join them. For any of the Fae who had survived the slaughter in Terrasen ten years ago and might wish to return.
A fool's dream. One that she would likely not come to see. To create.
"The Faerie Queen of the West," Aelin said, tasting the words on her tongue.
Wondering how long she'd get to call herself such.
From the heavy quiet, she knew her companions were contemplating the same. And from the pain in Rowan's eyes, the rage and determination, she knew he was already calculating if it might somehow spare her from the sacrificial altar.
But that would come later. After tomorrow. If they survived.
There was a gate, and eternity lay beyond its black archway.
But not for her. No, there would be no Afterworld for her.
The gods had built another coffin, this time crafting it of that dark, glimmering stone.
Stone her fire could never melt. Never pierce. The only way to escape was to become it—dissolve into it like sea-foam on a beach.
Every breath was thinner than the previous one. They had not put any holes in this coffin.
Beyond her confines, she knew a second coffin sat beside hers. Knew, because the muffled screams within still reached her here.
Two princesses, one golden and one silver.
One young and one ancient. Both the cost of sealing that gate to eternity.
The air would run out soon. She'd already lost too much of it in her frantic clawing at the stone. Her fingertips pulsed where she'd broken nails and skin.
Those female screams became quieter.
She should accept it, embrace it. Only when she did would the lid open.
The air was so hot, so precious. She could not get out, could not get out—
Aelin hauled herself into waking. The room remained dark, her companions' deep breathing holding steady.
Open, fresh air. The stars just visible through the narrow window.
No Wyrdstone coffin. No gate poised to devour her whole. But she knew they were watching, somehow. Those wretched gods. Even here, they were watching. Waiting.
A sacrifice. That's all she was to them.
Nausea churned in her gut, but Aelin ignored it, ignored the tremors rippling through her. The heat under her skin.
Aelin turned onto her side, nestling closer into Rowan's solid warmth, Elena's muffled screams still ringing in her ears.
No, she would not be helpless again.
#Chapter 54#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#Chaol Westfall#Yrene Westfall#Lord Westfall#Fenrys Moonbeam#Aelin Galathynius#Elena Galathynius#Aelin Ashryver Galathynius#Rowan Whitethorn#no spoilers please#first read#read with me#read along#First Read along with me NO SPOILERS PLEASE though warning for post & tags up to KoA 54 & more reacts/notes/quotes in tags below#Hellas Horse aka Butterfly-Never again-A chance-let’s go babies!-waddlebeautifully lol-he wants to build her a house😭-maybe a nursery#when it’s all gone-together-prettier with you-they scared her from the flame-worse marks were left-she’s tired but she will#she fought she’s fighting-what’s real what is what was-whatever was left-the weeping always eases in the end-it’s lovely fracturing joy#dam Sarah not future you quote again ITS ALREADY BURNED ME ONCE-one foot in the forest-they share meals-don’t ask-line in the sand#wildfire touched with insanity-I mean how would she not be a little insane-admirable-and please do rot in hell lol-the meeting we needed#congrats they meant-they loved it about her-and Rowan-the casual easy lean on him QoS how far we’ve come *good for once*#it’s either laughing or crying so-the sort of fear that rots the soul-what then they didn’t know-he knew-lol the wet dog-watch and brooding#It’ll save her-not a coward-Mab again-the dearie queen of the west-HER-a fools dream but a dream nonetheless-he will do whatever he has to#the world didn’t know-never helpless again-he let her steal the warmth-finally their all having those talks-hi cousins again-2places at onc#Him taking care of the horse was kind-shes always helping-Farasha congrats ur the other1st2be told-happy moment cuz their having a bb#At least he was smiling again-all the names-faerie queen-couldve been worse noone got stabbed shes shad worse dinners-@her side#stood that towering Fae warrior-spokeWsuch fear&respect-Aelin shifted fae again-AGREED YRENE-i knew she’s a blanket hog lol41wfire powers#A line in the sand the titleOnly sweetness when its horrific Fae BastardLaughed anywaysBuzzard she said w love-tru joy&warmth#its bad if Elide hates you-l luv her feist-as her own implying Yrene is-wanting joy4them-No Maeve-no bed-the truth-just a name-stars
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how to kys without krilling yourself ;-;
#How to stop being anxious and having your heart stop every second without krilling yourself#What I have been doing : crying actual real tears cause I think about kaveh LMFAO#me -> why am i so unloveable ☹️ (sad) … *thinks about kaveh* …. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 (crying my eyes out LMAO)#help I am so insane not a joke I think someone needs to shoot me in the head wowowowowow 😻 pls where is dahlia . . . Her being gone is#Giving me more anxiety#anyways imagine nothing making you cry but then some anime twink who’s been missing for over a year just makes you cry multiple times LOOLL#I think I should be embarrassed … I AM embarrassed 😭😭😭#dora daily#Iiiiiiiiiiiii giiiivveeeeee uppppppp 😻😻😻#I could go on a rant about why and what has happened but honestly I just think it’d fall on deaf ears 🧍♀️ so I don’t think it’s worth#Wasting my already very very VERY limited breath on.#The way a dude who tries to use me (discord boy) would’ve told me to go in great detail and listened attentively and I can’t even have my#Actual friends like me enough to want to listen 😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻 no wonder I feel unloveable maybe it’s better to be#Fake loved and used atp than feeling like this. Idek atp I am just so drained completely that even talking is absolutely impossible so I#Wouldn’t even talk to him if I wanted to ;-; so now what ? I remain mute for the rest of my life ? Man I’m sick of this sick of having to#Sleep and that being the only way I don’t rip out my eyeballs or cut off my leg from how insanely weird I feel#Dniewosmsmskaj helpppp 😜#First half of the tags was in just me trying to be funny but the rest is srs 💃 eeee I hate my brain#Sooo anxious helpppp ☺️🔫 anyways marks apparently came out I am not going to ask for a heart attack on top of my already unstable heart so#I won’t check. But I also have sm to do that I couldn’t get done like that fucking timetable it’s been pending since forever I need help 😻#The days are flying and getting merged together I can’t keep count anymore
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COME CLOSER
Summary: Reader asks her friend, Soldier Boy to take her virginity.
Pairing: Soldier Boy / Reader
Warnings: +18! (MINORS DNI), virgin reader!, smut, language, rough Soldier Boy, beard kink, dirty talk, multiple orgasms, friends with benefits
Word Count: 4052
A/N: English is not my first language.
You grabbed the gun from Ben's suit and placed it in your bag without even waiting for a response since you knew he wouldn't refuse you. “May I take this?” you said. “Just for safety issues.”
Ben joined the team to kill Homelander months ago, and because you two have been on missions together for so long, you two have kind of gotten to know one another. He frequently teased you, and most of the time he really got on your nerves. Another thing Butcher's wanted from you regarding Ben was to make sure you kept an eye on him while he was high or furious.
He sighed, “You are already in safe hands,” and then gave you a little push toward the car, where Butcher and the other members of the team were waiting. “You know that you are something different. Trying to protect yourself with a firearm in spite of the fact that you already have three supes with you, me included, who are the strongest and greatest.”
“After the job is completed, even the biggest dicks become smaller. I wonder if your gigantic ego will ever be smaller one day, Ben.”
“Not mine,” he winked at you in between his laughter before the two of you entered the car. “How on earth does a naive virgin speak like that? I must discipline your dirty mouth at some point.”
He pushed until you reached the other side of the seat, and you muttered, “Shut up.” Your face flushed. “You leave no space for me.”
“Do I look like your personal driver?” Butcher growled at Hughie to come in too, questioned in a disapproving tone. Then Butcher turned back to Hughie, who was sitting in the passenger seat, and said, “Where the fuck is your girlfriend?”
“She arrived earlier with the others. They were driven there by Frenchie already.”
“Will you shut up and drive?” Ben messed with your hair for a while while ignoring what you said that he was going to ruin it, saying to Butcher in an irritated manner.
“Good boy gone bad, huh?” Ben ignored you and filled the entire seat between your complaints. Butcher murmured, “Let's fucking have some fun there since we may not be finding any free time soon, Navy girlies.”
Luckily, Butcher managed to locate a club devoid of supes, but it was still massive and insane, complete with loud music. Hughie's gaze found Annie right away, and Butcher followed after him while he winked at the girl who was staring at him with a chuckle.
You gave Ben a drink and complained, “Do I have to babysit you?” Even though all of the girls were capturing his attention, he was undoubtedly hearing what you were saying.
He patted your head and said, "Babysit me?" with a look of astonishment. "Sweetheart, it's me who has been watching you for several months. After all, it's easy for you to get into trouble."
"Me?" As he messed with your hair, you giggled and attempted to push his hands away. "You're always on the verge of being furious for no reason at all, and I have to keep your ego boosted when you are about to lose it."
"Or maybe I act it this way to get you even more anxious; what do you think? Your human face looks so funny when you're trying to calm me," he smirked and remarked with arrogance.
Punching him in the chest, you said, "You're impossible," although your wrist ached. You sighed in agony, "Fuck, Ben," and made sure everything was okay by looking at your hand. Thankfully, there were no physical wounds.
"Why the fuck have you tried to punch me now? Haven't you still learned I'm built to last?" he complained, gently massaging your hands.
You muttered, "You're so annoying," while he sighed and released your hands. "I can't imagine why almost nobody likes you."
"All you do this evening is talk rudely with that lovely mouth of yours and spit poison. Also, you are to blame. How many times do I have to tell you not to try to punch me? Wish to adopt a tough-ass persona? You're just a little sensitive, soft doll," he continued to tease, causing you to flush with rage.
"Remember the day I gave myself a Temp-V injection? When I really punched you, you seemed rather surprised, and I'm sure it hurt."
“I didn't think being a temporary Supe could happen, and that was a while ago.” Ben continued to smirk and replied, “Keep that in mind. I was merely trying to comprehend the change in your scent when you unexpectedly struck me and pushed me against the wall. You know, I should have been doing that. Of course, I'm not referring to the punching; rather, I'm speaking to the second one, but more gently.”
Ben flirted with you, giving you a tiny pinch on the chin and a wink. He was perhaps the most flirtatious man ever, but the reason he acted this way was that you told him you were a virgin, and even when he understood you were becoming too shy and a little anxious, he continued to tease you verbally. You didn't feel uncomfortable about it, though.
“Whatever.” You rushed to end it, fearing he would start talking even more profanely. You tried to silence him by putting your palm over his mouth. “When are you going to shave this beard? It's really lengthy.”
He murmured, “I thought you liked it longer and thicker,” as he combed his facial hair.
This time, instead of being annoyed, you giggled. “You're impossible.”
You said, “I'm going to check on Annie and others,” feeling a little guilty for something you didn't even understand when you saw him searching for women who fit his tastes. “So that you can have your fun.”
Ben, who had just bought a drink for himself, approached a redhead who had been staring at him passionately ever since he entered the bar. You led the way to join Annie and the rest of the team, but you were carrying a heavy weight that you couldn't quite explain. You did your best to ignore the stupid ache in your heart and laugh out loud at Butcher's half-made-up stories. It was a rare, heartfelt moment of calm after months, shared by all of you as you briefly watched the redhead woman take Ben's head and lead him to the second floor.
Ben's social batteries ran out after a few hours, and when he got into a fight with Butcher, you volunteered to take him home in your car because you were starting to have headaches too. Annie and Kimiko were dancing in the center; it appeared like they were just getting started. Either their heightened enthusiasm was to blame, or you simply didn't feel like having fun at that particular time. Ben was the source of your annoyance because he preferred to spend his time in the club having fun with other women and left you kind of alone.
You just said, “I will drive Ben back; just stop arguing for once,” and snatched Butcher's keys. “I assume everyone will be arriving home late. It appears that Kimiko and Annie won't be calling it a night anytime soon.” After observing them for some time, they realized you were right. Kimiko was high as fuck.
Ben didn't have a shower in his own room, so he quickly took one in yours once you drove home. Surprisingly, he hasn't complained to Butcher about it in any manner, and you've allowed him to use yours anytime he needs to, even if he occasionally takes a shower a bit too frequently, leading you to believe that he does it on purpose to irritate and enrage you so that you two can argue. But no matter what, his unique word choice never failed to make you chuckle.
As he was taking care of himself in the bathroom, you considered something you had long since ignored: your virginity. You could never go one step beyond, not even if you were in your mid-20s. You just didn't want it to be just one fleeting, pointless act, and you didn't feel anything at all. Perhaps you were a shamefully traditional person who was eagerly awaiting the realization of your real fate.
Ben used to make jokes about your virginity, which you didn't mind, but tonight it kind of got under your skin and made you feel uneasy, like there was something wrong with you. It just didn't seem right at all to be a virgin in your mid-twenties.
“You appear to be lost in thoughts. What's consuming your mind so much?” Ben queried.
His long beard and damp hair were pouring over the floor as he emerged from the bathroom, his thick, muscular belly wrapped in a towel. Your eyebrows are raised between your sighs. Though you always knew he was extremely attractive, he seemed even more so at this moment.
Ben glanced at your short dress too, seeing that you were staring at him as your lips parted slightly in a hint of yearning. He smirked, conceited, seeing your legs pushed together.
“I think I can make a guess.” He walked over to sit on the bed next to you and mumbled.
You hesitantly said, “I was thinking something,” not quite sure what to say exactly.
“About?”
You abruptly asked, trying not to flush too much as you moved the bed and fully turned your body to face him. “Would you take my virginity?”
Ben exclaimed, “What?” with his lips parted in wonder as he tried to understand what you meant and raised an eyebrow.
“You already heard me.”
Ben laughed and ignored your request, saying, “Are you drunk or do you need to jerk off? You're going to be a good nun when you grow up.”
“I'm serious here,” you said, blushing red from embarrassment and rage at the fact that the fact that he didn't take you seriously at all.
Ben's mocking expression changed to one of confusion as he realized you were serious. “I thought you were waiting for the love of your life or something. Why did you change your mind all of a sudden?”
“I wasn't waiting for someone,” you denied right away. “I decided being like this bothers me, and I want to change it.”
You continued, “We have known each other for months, and I think we kind of formed a good friendship during this time,” before he said anything, you added, “It must be okay to ask your friend for help, and it's better than to be with a total stranger, right?”
“I'm not the right person to share something like that.” Ben said in a serious tone, “I don't know why you made this decision so quickly, but you'll regret it tomorrow, I promise. If you are horny, I can give fingerfuck you, though.” It was clear that he was not hearing you clearly.
“It's not really that significant, is it? I didn't wait for someone right away, as I had said. If I knew I would regret saying it, I wouldn't have said it in the first place. What's the purpose of friends?”
Hesitantly, you reached out to touch his damp arms to gauge his reaction while also conveying your concern. You felt your small confidence begin to fade as you noticed he was staring at you with the same expression, so you brought your hands back to yourself. “Well, of course I won't try to convince you to take my virginity if you don't want to get into such an intimate interaction with me,” you said, trying not to seem offended or disappointed. “It's a different issue.”
Your heart raced under your thin dress as you anxiously awaited his response.
“I would fuck you with pleasure; it's not that I don't want it,” he added, examining your bare legs and breasts as they rose and fell in time with your heavy breaths. He whispered, placing his rough palms on your chin. “But I can't promise it won't hurt, and I don't want it to be just a one-time thing.”
You muttered, “I know it's going to hurt,” and at last he relaxed and seemed to agree.
He smirked and continued, “I'll fuck your cunt whenever I want,” staring right into your eyes and making you tremble at the sensation. “You'll spread your legs for me and beg me to fuck you.”
“It's better,” you said as his hand lowered to your throat, causing you to become even more thrilled. You chuckled awkwardly and murmured, “Practice makes perfect, right?”
Your lips parted in ecstasy as his thumb massaged your hardened nipple, and he gently pinched it between his fingers through your dress. He didn't even slightly break eye contact with you, as if he wanted to watch every move you made.
Ben mumbled, “I wonder if you're dripping under there already,” as he climbed on top of you. Feeling uncertain about what action to take, you placed your quivering hands on his large chest.
His palm stroked your pussy through your underpants, and you clenched around nothing, murmuring, “I feel like it.” You were already embarrassingly drenched; you knew that.
“Ben,” you murmured quickly, and his hand instantly froze there. He stared at you, confused, not knowing if you wanted to stop or not. You grabbed his wrist and stopped him just as he was about to return his hand to himself. “Can you do the entire job for tonight” you said in a hesitant manner. “I have absolutely no idea what to do.”
Ben surprised you with a kiss on the forehead and said, “Of course I'll do the entire job. You just lay down and relax. I'm going to take care of you well, okay?”
You nodded quickly, trusting that Ben knew what to do when he started to rub your pussy through your underwear again. Your hips rose higher to meet his movements as he played with your clit with a gentle thumb. “Let's get rid of your dress, huh?” he said, helping you to remove it from your body. You were lying under him naked, except for your underwear.
You wanted to hide your body with your hands because you felt a little shy, but you forced yourself to look at him with courage because you wanted this to be good. Even if he was already erect under the towel, he ignored his own needs to give you the pleasure you needed first.
Then he pinched your nipples once more and added, “You have such lovely tits.” Before you could respond, he put his warm lips on one of your tits and started sucking, giving you very light bites. You were a little scared that he could harm you because you had a big power imbalance since he was a supe, but you chose to put your trust in him because you knew he had experience having intercourse with normal people just like you.
As he continued licking both of your nipples, you placed your hands behind his hair and pulled. You pushed his head to your tit as you raised your hip to match his movement, but you moaned loudly when he ripped off your panties and inserted one of his meaty fingers inside of you slowly, even though you were trying really hard not to scream. It was difficult to take even one finger, so tears welled up in your eyes, but you didn't want to ruin the moment.
Groaning, “Fuck, you are tighter than I expected,” he lifted his head.
When he noticed your pained expression, he began to gently massage your clit with his thumb once again. Thankfully, this helped you feel better, and after a while, you began to slowly tighten around his finger.
He asked in a rough voice, “Do you like me fingering you?” and continued to push his finger in and out. “Your pussy is so adorable and swollen. You so desperately need me to fuck you raw.”
He commanded, “Tell me it's just for me,” tensing up his motions as you continued to tighten around his finger.
You said, “Just for you,” and he attempted to press another finger, but you were simply too tense to take it. You said, “Ben, be slow,” in a panic.
“In order for you to take me easier, we need to properly prepare your little pussy. Now spread your legs and don't cover that adorable cunt,” he gave another command. It was then that you realized you were attempting to press your legs together.
You spread your legs so he could see you as per the directions he gave. You let out a loud cry of pleasure and agony as he carefully inserted another finger. Ben swallowed your groans and stretched you with two fingers, his warm lips meeting yours in a passionate kiss.
You were moaning inside his mouth while his tongue and fingers dominated you. Ben felt your wetness on his fingers, your hips rising to match his rhythm, and he felt like he might come without even touching himself.
With a harsh voice, he commanded, “Cum on my fingers,” and proceeded to fuck you while your walls tensed up. With a loud moan and his name between your lips, you nailed his biceps while he watched you orgasm under his touch. “Good girl. You are so easy to make cum. Fuck, you're a needy one.”
You continued orgasming and wetting them while Ben held your fingers within. Even though your pussy felt extremely sensitive, he continued to finger you without giving you a minute's break after your climax had passed.
“Ben, it feels sensitive.”
“Fucking take it,” he growled. “You'll come as much as I want you to.”
You muttered, “I don't think I can,” as your legs continued to shake uncontrollably.
“You can and you will,” Ben responded, and he proceeded to fuck you even more forcefully than before.
The bedroom was filled with obscene noises, and your eyes welled up with tears of pleasure.
“Cum to me,” he commanded again, and you instantly clenched around his fingers. Putting your hands over his head, you kissed him, pressing your lips to his in an attempt to stop your moans.
As you orgasmed, you sensed him grinning slightly against your lips throughout the kiss. He whispered, “You're so fucking tight, you're almost going to lock me inside your pussy,” as you calmed down after your climax subsided. “I guess you're ready now.”
Your eyes widened with fear and dread as he removed the towel from his belly and threw it to the ground, revealing his firm cock. Ben began to give himself brief strokes while spreading your legs apart. Aware of your discomfort, he smiled slightly at you. “I'll do my best to be gentle. You're enough soaked already.”
You nodded to him, waiting tensely as you watched him pump himself between his rough hands. You tensed up abruptly as the tip of his cock touched your entrance, and he took himself in hand after giving it enough strokes.
He said, “Relax,” and kept pushing the tip inside. “Fuck, take it already.”
You attempted to let him in, your legs trembling with desire and dread, but you couldn't stop clenching.
You whimpered, your eyes welling with tears, as he thrust his cock inside with a forceful move. You also pulled his hair around his neck. Your hips were being held in place by his hands, preventing you from moving them. You were certain that it would bruise badly.
You cried out in fear, “Ben,” as he persisted in pushing. Tears fell from the corner of your eyes onto the covers when you were nailing his arms.
He groaned, “Calm down,” and gave you some time to relax. “It's just the head.”
“Sorry,” you said, ashamed that you weren't able to bear pain and adding unnecessary difficulty to the procedure.
His eyes widened at the sight of your face, and he planted a gentle kiss on your forehead. He whispered, “Hey, it's okay. You take me so good, so warm,” in between kisses and proceeded to place his cock inside of you once more. You knew it was a major step for you when you felt like he broke your hymen. This time, his hands gently remained on your hips as he sensed a change in your feelings.
Thank goodness, you relaxed between his kisses and compliments, and your wetness allowed him to enter at last. Ben gave you time to get used to his size after his cock completely filled your insides.
After planting another hard kiss on your lips, he asked, “Are you okay now?” and stroked your cheeks.
You responded, “I'm okay,” as the agony lessened and you began to get pleasure from his cock pulsing inside of you.
Ben put his hands on the sheets, and as he started to move slowly inside of you, you locked your legs around his hip.
He groaned, “You're so tight around me,” as he began to move faster. “I should have fucked you sooner.”
He gave you quick kisses, and his bushy beard tickled your chin as he began to fuck you quickly and roughly. “I'll turn this little cunt addicted to my cock.”
As you continued to moan beneath him, he gave another order: “Tell me you want me to fuck you hard.”
You murmured, “Please,” and he slowed down.
Ben wrapped his hand around your neck and said, “Beg me properly,” but he wasn't using force against you.
You sighed, “Fuck me hard, please, Ben.” You moaned as you saw his mucsles stretching as he continued to penetrate you quickly and roughly. Your hands nailed his chest and broad abdomen.
He put your legs on his shoulders and stated, “I'm going to fuck you every day; make you my little cumslut. Do you enjoy having your friend fuck you? Does this turn you on?”
When he kept talking filth, you couldn’t stop clenching around his cock.
He moaned, “Fuck,” in between hard strokes. “Look at this pussy clench. You really get turned on by it.”
Ben intensified his movements as your legs trembled with pleasure around his hips, and you felt your climax strike with a loud moan and a cunning sneer on his face. You tried biting your lip to muffle the moans, but it was difficult as Ben fucked you raw, on top of you, dominating your whole body.
He whispered, “I'm going to fuck your face another time,” and put his thumb inside your mouth. “Suck it. Prove to me how much you crave my cock inside your mouth.”
You groaned in displeasure as he slowed. Ben strictly said, “Suck it, show me how badly you want my cock inside your mouth, and I'll fuck you as you need,” when you lifted your hips to get him to return to his previous rhythm.
With the expectation that he would like it, you put your lips around his thumb and started to lick it with your tongue.
He mumbled, “Fuck yes, gonna cum inside that mouth,” and started fucking you quickly and roughly once more.
He muttered, “Almost there,” and continued to fuck you while staring at your bouncing tits.
His hardness continued to throb inside of you as you tightened around him one more time and orgasmed. He moaned and spilled inside of you, filling you with his thick and warm ropes.
Ben continued to fill your pussy as your climax subsided. You felt incredibly satisfied because you felt so full of his seed.
When he was finished, he carefully pulled out his cock, exposing the blood at the tip. Ben gave you a long, hard kiss on the lips when he noticed you were staring at it.
You offered him a tiny smile as he whispered, “Come closer,” and he embraced you with his large arms. “Are you alright?”
You continued to stroke his beard while responding, “Yes.” Actually, you've never felt better.
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the longer i look at this panel the more deranged i feel about it. this is environmental storytelling at its finest.
the eodio stand-in doll in particular makes me crazy. where did it come from? did thistle just pop into the village like "hey ungrateful wretches, one of you needs to make me a life-sized mannequin, For Reasons". did he make it himself? seems quite unlikely, yet the possibility haunts me. i mean, i guess there could've been one just lying around the dungeon somewhere. it's the act of replacement itself that really gets to me. (edit: it's been pointed out to me that the eodio doll also could have been left behind as part of delgal's escape plan. slightly different kind of madness but tbh, just as funny-sad to me if that happened and thistle went Ok, Guess That's Eodio Now.)
both the wives are there too. we know very little about them, which makes me tend to assume thistle wasn't all that close to them, but they're still included. when did they end up here? did he kick their souls out of their bodies at some point, or were they among those who left their bodies voluntarily to try and escape? when did yaad become an effective orphan, delgal an effective widower? women in the margins of the narrative, tell me your stories!
and the fact that they're surrounded with the living paintings, which thistle habitually wanders through to relive the past. this truly is his inner sanctum, his place of utmost comfort... and it may as well be a tomb.
that panel is so creepy when you first see it. just a sense of "ohh jeez, there's a lot to unpack there".
and actually, yeah, it remains creepy from pretty much any angle, but the more you think about it the more it's also tragic.
this is where many of thistle's happiest moments took place. everything he had in that picture is now gone. first he lost their warm regard, then one-by-one their bodies became hollow shells. before the end, none of the people here needed or enjoyed food anymore. the dinner table, as a center of both family life and nutrition, became obsolete.
a line from someone else's excellent post about thistle has stuck in my head ever since i read it: "to eat is to live, but to eat together is to be loved". to me, this is the sentiment and symbolism at the core of everything that happens in dungeon meshi.
it makes this bit all the sadder and more disturbing.
there's several things to note here:
thistle has gone from seated and eating with them as part of the family, to a lonely and ominous figure hovering over delgal's shoulder
eodio is conspicuously absent from view, and his body would have been a husk by now, but yaad says parents, which forces me to assume that they are sitting at the table with eodio's soulless body, hidden under yaad's speech bubble
they're not actually eating anything.
those plates are empty. you could assume that they've already finished eating, maybe, but yaad refers to it as sitting around the dinner table. in fact, he compares it to what he's currently doing; sitting at the dinner table watching the touden party eat, not eating anything himself.
it paints a pretty grim picture. for some time even after the fantasy had fallen apart, even after there was no need or desire to eat, they kept gathering around the dinner table. at that point, i'd guess only so as not to provoke thistle's wrath.
but even that last happened a long, long time ago.
this is a callback to what senshi said in the golden kingdom: the reason the people keep maintaining their fields and silverware and so forth is that they need to do so in order to stay sane.
paradoxically, the dinner table is the most striking evidence of thistle's insanity, and at the same time, it's the only anchor to sanity he has left.
he kept enforcing the ritual of dinner together long after it lost significance. when even that was impossible- because almost everyone's souls were gone- he kept their bodies at the table anyway. it's fine. it's fine! he's protected them, physically, just like he set out to. they're all still breathing. at a glance it looks like they could wake up and resume dinner at any moment. like this, it's easy to pretend.
isn't that what being a dungeon lord is, at the core of it? rejecting reality, staying in the prison of one's impossible desires. it's just one long game of pretend.
thistle did all this to protect his loved ones. no matter how obsessive and twisted he became in pursuit of that over the years, his core motivation never changed. this is all he has left of that dream: his loved ones' bodies gathered around the locus of their happiest memories together. like this, he can tell himself he's succeeded.
when eodio's body vanished with delgal's soul in it- when he couldn't even have that anymore... well.
i want to reach through the screen and shake him. no, they're not, thistle. THISTLE, NO, THEY'RE NOT! the doll of eodio is the closest thing to him in this panel, underlining the point. when that final illusion was shattered, he became completely unable to cope with reality.
therefore casually forgetting the creepy eodio doll isn't real.
thistle isn't stupid. eodio's body vanished at the same time as delgal's soul. shortly after, more adventurers came pouring in than ever before. deep down, he knows what happened. if he didn't, being confronted with the truth by mithrun wouldn't have made him panic so hard he summoned chimera falin to the first floor.
yet still...
he absolutely can't admit that to himself. he is clinging to the last scraps of the illusion with everything he has.
this is a dungeon lord at the end of desire. this is a lotus-eater machine left running long after its conclusion. this is mithrun lying listlessly in his bed, his replica lover having given up any pretense of being human. the illusion is all that's left. (an illusion is all it ever was.) thistle and the citizens of the golden kingdom- they're ghosts just as much as the ones who wander the dungeon floors. and if it weren't for thistle sealing the lion away, he would've been eaten by it long ago.
all of this encapsulated by that single panel of the dinner table.
#dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi spoilers#thistle#delgal#yaad#eodio#meta#long post#aphelion.txt#dunmeshi#sorry. i am so incredibly not normal about any of it
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