#orcs for life

[niqhtlord01]

Humans are weird: Not what I expected

Human Security officer: First day on the job?

Alien Trainee: Yeah, bit nervous.

Human Security officer: Don’t be.

Human Security officer: Sure we see a bunch of strange things here on the station, but working security isn’t so bad.

*Over the radio*: Hey Sarge, it’s happening again.

Human Security officer: Gods damnit.

*Answers radio*

Human Security officer: Where are they this time?

*Over radio*: Deck three.

Human Security officer: *to Trainee* Right, I got to go handle this so you might as well come along to. ----------------------

*Several decks later*

Human Security officer: Now whatever happens, I need you to be calm.

Alien Trainee: Saying that makes me less calm.

Human Security officer: Just shut the hell up then and watch.

*turns corner and sees gathering of people. Many of them look like miners who had just returned from outer system asteroid mining*

Alien Trainee: *Looks confused as to what they are all looking at until they tilt their head up and see a monstrous being of pink flesh and tentacles clogging up one of the hallways leading to the docking bay*

*The creature is easily three to four times the size of any of the gathered humans and ooze drips from its tentacles*

Alien Trainee: *Begins to panic and rest their hand on their sidearm holster before realizing they haven’t been issued a weapon yet*

Alien Trainee: *Turns to look at human sarge only to find him casually walking towards the monster*

*Only now does the trainee realize that none of the humans appear to be panicking or freaking out*

*Crowd parts to let the human sarge stand before the creature that now turns its full attention to the security officer*

Human Security officer: Marvin?

Human Security officer: Marvin you need to go back home.

*Creature lets out a loud gurgling noise from beneath its tentacles that sends shivers down the alien trainee’s spines*

Human Security officer: Marvin! I know you don’t like it when your friends leave but they need to go back to work.

*More loud grumbling and the creature retreats further into the tunnel, fully blocking passage*

Human Security officer: MARVIN! Get out of the tunnel!

*Softer gurgling but the creature only uses their tentacles to cover their eyes*

Human Security officer: Marvin I can still see you; covering your eyes does nothing.

*No response*

Human Security officer: Marvin. Maaaaaaaaarvin. MARVIN!

*Still no response*

Human Security officer: *Sighs loudly*

Human Security officer: *Points to random worker* Where’s Mitch? Why isn’t he here dealing with this?

Human Miner: He got offered double shifts on the belt and took it for the extra money.

Human Security officer: Of course he did.

Alien Trainee: *Finally working courage up to speak* Who is this “Mitch”?

Human Security officer: *Turns remembering that the trainee was there* Ah, right; he’s Marvin’s owner and the only one he’ll listen to.

Alien Trainee: Is this, Marvin, a sentient being?

Human Security officer: More like a pet Mitch found a few years back and took with him.

Human Security officer: Don’t think he counted it on being the size of a bus.

*Sees Alien Trainee looking nervous*

Human Security officer: Don’t worry; despite his size Marvin’s a goofball with a heart of gold.

Alien Trainee: Can we not just stun it and drag it out of the way then?

*All humans nearby stop and look at Alien trainee, anger and shock on their faces*

Human Miner: Is that some sort of fucked up joke?

Human Miner 2: Yeah!

Human Miner 3: You heard Marvin has a heart of gold and you just want to stun it? What kind of monster are you?

*Loud rowdy humans increase in volume before Human Security officer waves them down*

Human Security officer: It’s his first day, go easy on him.

*Rowdiness decreases in volume but the humans still look upset*

Human Security officer: *Whispers* You can’t just go around saying you want to stun someone’s pet.

Alien Trainee: *Looks more confused*

Human Security officer: *Turns to miners* Alright, go through duct C90 and you should be able to get around him.

Human Miner: Fine, but so help us if Marvin’s still in that tunnel when we get back.

Human Security officer: What the hell are you arguing with me over that? Get Mitch to bring his ass back here so Marvin will calm down!

*Conversation devolves into argument as human miners begin pulling off a grill plate and shimmying through a duct around Marvin* (AI image provided by @myecandy )

[stubz]

"Human Max and Kim?"

"Yeah?"

"There is something that has been on my mind for quite some time now, a question about your work."

"Okay shoot."

"..."

"She means ask away."

"Ah. Yes, well. I was wondering how you two knew to train before coming to work here? As I was under the impression you both joined shortly after the coalition made contact with Earth."

"Train?"

"You mean for taking care of younglings?"

"Yes human Max."

"We didn't. We just used the training we already had and then learned on the job about the finer details."

"What she said. Although we did need to take some first aide courses before opening."

"...come again?"

"We barely had information of other species so we mostly relied on the training and teachings we received at home, Earth."

"Don't worry we took some night classes later on to be more prepared later on."

"How later is 'later on'?"

"About a month."

"...you seem really confused about this."

"That is because I am. . .how were you able to tolerate the biting then? Or the vast difference in height and weight from some of the larger ones? Or keep up with the fast ones?"

"Oh I was bit all the time at home. Both at work and at home."

"I just like running so it's not that hard for me. Kim still struggles though."

"I have tiny legs you jerk."

"But the strength and weight of some of them..."

"Oh right, on Earth you have to be able to lift at least 50 pounds to go into childcare."

"I thought it was 50 kilos..."

"...but that's like a hundred pounds...wait.."

"You have to be able to lift 50-100 pounds with ease!"

"...How heavy are your children?"

"Between 50-100 pounds."

[jeeaark]

In Regards to Face-Grabbing Pep Talks Becoming A Thing This Team Does Now

And Platonic dancing lessons mind you. Greygold just really cherishing their friendship right now.

What golden flecks of memory I have left of Monster-Hunter Wyll's response to Greygold's 'you must think me a monstrosity' commentary was really friggin' heartwarming.

Uplifted Greygold's spirits after Lae'zel's reaction had felt....foreboding! Maybe their love life is in shambles but, by gods, are their friendships just. So good. So good. Can and Wyll Will move mountains for. Now with telekinesis.

Knowing their friends still love them even with extra bits, Greygold won't hesitate to charge into whatever comes their way in stride.

[notpostingjustperusing]

I think what attracts people to humans are space orcs stories is not the inherent idea that humans are evolutionarily aberrant in the universe. Rather, it is the solution to the existential crisis of what if we are not alone in the universe. If we are alone in the universe, we are unique and able to make our mark on the universe unhindered. 

But if we are not alone, if there are countless other species, each identically unique, what is there to set humanity apart? How do we make the universe remember us after we have gone extinct. If all species are exactly like us, have things that make them unique and memorable, each grew up on a deathworld, each views themselves as a space orc, each has attributes about them but are multifaceted species, what difference does the existence of humanity make on the universe? Earth having evolved life will matter for the surrounding star systems and any individuals that come in contact with earthlings, but in a million years, will anyone care? Will we make a mark upon the universe, do anything to make the cosmos take notice of us?

And so in a universe of space orcs, what is it that humanity can do to separate ourselves? Space orc is not a prophecy, it is a promise to the stars. The only fear we have is not that we are not alone, it is that we are not unique.

[just-some-trans-nobody]

Orc boyfriend head canons

Warnings: mentions of sex, swearing, mentions of war, mentions of hunting, brief mention of blood.

Minors Don't Interact!

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Big scary orc boyfriend whose taken down dire wolves with his bare hands terrified by a little mouse. His tiny human lover has to catch the mouse and put it outside while he freaks out.

He'll give you all the kisses in the world after that praising you for being so brave.

May or may not give thanks by burying his face between your legs for a few hours.

He likes bring you back his trophys of war and hunting, he knows he doesn't have anything to prove but he still likes showing off to you.

Loves rubbing his tusks against you while cuddling in bed. Heart eyes and smitten if you kiss his tusks.

Would die on the spot if he saw you wearing only pelts from animals he killed. Run back to that bed or else your getting railed on the closest surface he can find.

Is ok with doing you in front of all his friends but if your not comfortable with it he won't push the topic at all. He respects your choices

Will try to take you hunting though, mostly so he can show off but it's also a bonding experience for him.

Likes picking you up and puting you on his shoulder like a sack of potatoes with his hand on your ass. He'll walk around your home and even outside if you let him.

He thinks putting a bear pelt down in front of the fire place with a couple of bottles of mead is the most romantic thing in the world and will pull this move any time he feels romantical or if you need a night of pampering.

He also thinks battling side to side covered in your enemy's blood is just as romantic.

Lord this man is bad at reading, he's more a himbo type. Sit on his lap and read out loud to him he will absolutely love it. His arms will wrap around you holding you close as you read to him. Better yet let him use your lap as a pillow while you read to him.

If you have hair long enough please let him brush and braid it he loves it. Do the same to him he finds it intimate and rather romantic.

Oh boy oh boy ask him about his scars and his tattoos, he'll spend hours telling you about them in great details.

In his mind your alredy married but if you explain to him you want a wedding he will be more than happy to listen to how you would want it and try to get as close to that as possible. He's going to go all out for the wedding sex too.

He has a tattoo in honor of you. May have more than one.

Would be so happy if you got a tattoo that had to do with him but wouldn't be disappointed if you didn't.

If you have any pets he treats them like their your children.

Will bread you in hopes of having your kids even if it's impossible for number of reason's. Still fun to pretend.

[misspoken-pea]

I feel like if humans came into contact and formed alliances with aliens and the aliens discover “humans are space orcs” on tumblr, they will share the same reaction we do to flat-earthers.

That’s it. That’s my ted talk.

[rad-roche]

warmup doodle of my bg3 character

[hellonearthtoday]

Raise your hand if you hate TITWPO . Worst acronym

[marlynnofmany]

Monkey Chase

I stepped off the loading ramp and got a good view of the reason why we’d landed in the wrong part of the spaceport. A giant cargo hauler lay on its side, broken and bent — had a ship crashed into it, or had the engine exploded? I couldn’t tell from here — and large slabs of spaceship insulation gel sprawled everywhere. The hauler’s cargo, clearly. As I watched, three people with a hovercart tried to shove one aside to no effect, and another slab as big as a cross-section from my old apartment on Earth slowly peeled off from inside the remains of the hauler. It hit the ground with the squishiest thud I’d ever heard - the thing was the color of smoke, but dense enough to make the ground vibrate from here.

I whistled, then regretted it when the tentacle alien on the ramp beside me scrunched up at the sound. “Sorry,” I told Mur.

“Ow,” he said, uncurling his blue-black tentacles. “Was that a human swear? It’s sharp.”

“More of a ‘wow-look-at-that’ kind of noise,” I said. “But swearing would sure be appropriate. What a mess.”

“You said it. Glad it’s not our problem.”

Captain Sunlight came down the ramp to join us, regal as ever in the bright yellow scales that had given her the name. “Our client isn’t answering,” she said. “I’ve put in a request at the local medcenter to see if they’ve been injured in this crisis, but haven’t heard back yet. Anyone interested is welcome to join me in walking over to where their ship was meant to be parked.”

Three other crewmates followed her out of the ship: Blip and Blop in their flowiest silks that both matched their fin colors and also showed off their biceps, and Zhee with his purple exoskeleton as shiny as always. They all made quiet noises of dismay at the state of the spaceport.

(Well, Blip and Blop seemed dismayed. Zhee was looking down his nonexistent nose at whoever had been careless enough to cause such a mess.)

Mur waved a tentacle. “Lead the way,” he said to the captain. “Here’s hoping the ship isn’t buried under all that.”

“Yeah, it looks heavy,” I said as we moved out. “I wouldn’t be surprised if a little ship could be crushed under that, especially if it also took damage from whatever kaboom happened in the first place.”

As we got closer, I made several observations in a range of importance. A medical shuttle was zipping off toward the city center while another appeared to be waiting around just in case; the medics were standing there chatting instead of tending to anyone. The gel slabs couldn’t be pushed, though they could be lifted with a big enough gravity platform. There was only one of those here. Cleanup was going to take a while. The slabs covered a large area of ground as well as a couple ship-sized lumps, turning the spaceport into a sea of smoky gray translucent rubber.

A small creature bounced around on it. People were shouting about that.

“What’s going on over there?” I asked.

Captain Sunlight sighed deeply and sped up. “I really hope that’s not our cargo.”

“Our cargo’s an animal?”

“Yes, among other things. I thought I told you, but I guess not; it was a last-minute addition to our load. Someone’s exotic pet.” She looked up at me with concern on her lizardy face. “How are your animal-catching skills?”

“Depends on the animal,” I said, squinting at the fast-moving thing. I was the critter expert on the ship, but I didn’t want to promise anything. “What species is it?”

“I’ll bring up the description in a moment,” Captain Sunlight said. “I think I see our client over there.”

She was right. The slender Frillian with a leash and an exasperated expression did turn out to be the person we’d come to meet, and the various spaceport officials on the scene had no any easy answers about how to catch his pet.

“Normally he comes running for food!” the client exclaimed. “But he’s got plenty to pick from here!” He pointed accusingly at the spill of fruit from a truck smashed open by a slab of gel.

“Oh, like that’s my fault?” said a Heatseeker who was busy gathering fruit. “Half my stock is ruined! Go catch your little menace and stop complaining.”

This led to a rant about how impossible the menace in question was to catch when he didn’t want to be — giving him a bath had to be done by trickery — and he was never going to come down from this playground full of food, and oh the man should have just paid for a transit that allowed him to bring pets.

Zhee muttered agreement at that last, but I don’t think the guy heard him. Spaceport officials offered calming words and a reminder that nets had been sent for.

Captain Sunlight asked one of them, “Is there an animal-handling service anywhere nearby?”

“Nowhere close,” was the answer.

She looked back up at me. “Any bright ideas? Here, I’ll show you the description.”

While she unfolded a screen and brought up the information from this particular courier gig, I watched the jumpy creature carefully. He was close enough for a good look now, since he’d come back to snatch another alien citrus off the ground, making the owner yell after him.

My first thought was “monkey,” followed by “frog.” The animal was long-limbed and green, though with velvety fur instead of an amphibian’s shine, and had a tail that could hold fruit just as well as his hands could. Pointy nose, round ears, and the biggest eyes of anyone here except for Zhee. He could probably see a person sneaking up from behind. He was fast. And he was clearly having a great time jumping from one bouncy surface to another, making chattering noises and spitting citrus peel everywhere.

“It’s called a treeleaper,” Captain Sunlight told me. “Warmblooded, diurnal, omnivorous, and ‘a bit of a troublemaker.’”

Mur snorted. “Sounds like your species,” he told me.

“Just with a tail,” Zhee added.

“I wanted a tail as a kid,” I said absently, thinking hard. I’d just caught sight of a shipful of humans disembarking nearby, on the other side of the biggest pile of gel. They looked like they were in pretty good shape. One was already walking on the gel and laughing about the bounce.

I had an idea. “Excuse me, Captain. I think I see reinforcements,” I said, then ran off toward my unsuspecting kinfolk. When I got close, I took great pleasure in yelling, “Hey humans! Who wants to help me chase a monkey across a trampoline??”

They were all smiles and questions, then when I led the way to where they could see the monkey-frog jumping around with stolen fruit, they volunteered immediately.

“I’ll get the small cargo net!”

“Do you think the big gravity wands will slow it down?”

“Bet you a cleaning shift that I can grab it in a towel.”

“You’re on!”

I told Captain Sunlight that I had successfully recruited some animal-catchers, and she didn’t bat an eye, just suggesting that our crew gather similar tools from our own ship. Zhee and the twins rushed off while Mur stayed to yell suggestions.

The other humans were already venturing into the bounce zone. I hurried to follow, grabbing a fist-sized lime thing from the ground as I did. We made a wide circle before closing in.

The treeleaper saw us coming, of course. Threw a half-eaten fruit at one person and made a rude noise at another, then sprang up to ricochet between surfaces like an unholy pinball.

Thus began a merry chase.

It brought back memories of bouncy houses and birthday parties at the trampoline gym. The gel was tough enough to take an impact without doing more than denting briefly and launching a person hooting into the air, to rebound off another surface and hopefully not smack into anyone else in midair. There were a couple close calls. But that just made everything funnier somehow.

I jumped off one gel wall with and hit another with my shoulder, making the monkey-frog turn a 180 back towards a pair of guys with gravity wands. He tried to spring away to the side, but I threw my lime to bounce off a surface nearby, spooking him enough to change direction yet again. Somebody slid down a gel slab like a rubbery playground slide, yelping as that turned into a wild tumble. The animal didn’t know what to make of all the flailing and laughter. His hesitation was enough for the gravity wands to lift him partway off the gel, then when he stuck a leg out far enough to jump free, he was immediately bagged by a grinning lady with a cargo net.

Everybody cheered.

The treeleaper growled and tried to scramble free, but no luck. Somebody else caught up and helped tie the net off with a scarf. Everyone settled down to minimal bouncing, and many hands worked together to carry the bundle of ropes and disgruntled animal back to solid ground.

“You got him! Is he okay? He didn’t sprain anything in that net, did he? I hope he didn’t eat too much fruit. He’ll do that if given the chance, you know.” The owner was grateful and worried and relieved and talkative.

Eggskin had arrived from our ship with a medical scanner, and thankfully they could put everyone’s mind at ease about the state of our animal cargo. The treeleaper was fine. It had a stomach full of fruit and a bloodstream full of adrenaline, but all it needed was a nice nap in its carrying cage.

I considered asking why it hadn’t been in the carrier before, when the rented shuttle got its windows smashed, but I didn’t.

A small hand patted my back, as far up as it could reach. “Earning your keep once again,” said Captain Sunlight.

I laughed. “That was my pleasure.”

Another human lingering nearby asked, “Is there anything else that needs catching? That was great.”

“Yeah, you should sell tickets to this!” agreed another.

A Frillian in a port uniform said, “No, but thank you.” She paused, then added, “Hm. I wonder if that’s worth suggesting to the owner of all this insulation. It’s useless for its intended purpose now that it’s breached the sanitation shielding.”

I smiled. “It still makes an excellent trampoline even with footprints all over it. Lay those out in an empty field and charge people entrance, and they could make back a decent amount of money. You get plenty humans through this port, right?”

The woman who’d caught the treeleaper said, “We’re here early for a family reunion before the big festival, then there are three or four sporting events in a row. Let us know if that does happen, because we can get you a lot of humans interested in jumping on this stuff.”

I had to leave with the animal cargo back to our courier ship, so I didn’t hear how the rest of the conversation went, but I saw the official bring the representative of the hauling group over to meet the humans. He looked very interested in what the spokesperson had to say.

I grinned at the scene as I walked away: the intense conversation in front of the vast playground of bouncy surfaces. I wondered if we’d get a chance to come back for a visit when they got it set up properly.

~~~

The ongoing backstory adventures of the main character from this book. More to come! And I am currently drafting a sequel!

[blighted-elf]

Half-orc fans, come get your food.

I've uploaded the head preset I made for my BG1/2 Bhaalspawn, Telvesh, and three new vivid green skintones.

You can download them here!

[saccharineomens]

You know, watching the anime made me realize something, so I went looking.

We (manga readers, anime-onlies beware spoilers later on) already know Senshi’s tragic backstory and that the reason why he stays in the dungeon is to take care of it.

Early on in the manga, Senshi behaved with a complete disregard to Chilchuck’s orders to keep them safe. It’s possible Senshi behaved this way because he didn’t respect Chilchuck’s skills, or he thought that none of the traps would be able to harm him (due to being a dwarf). When he offered up his life to the orcs (before his vegetables, even), maybe he was simply trusting that Zon wasn’t actually going to kill them (despite them brutally murdering an entire pub in front of their eyes). But what if he simply…doesn’t care whether he lives or dies?

Senshi shows no interest in returning to society, preferring to keep to himself. He lives only for tending to the dungeon and cooking his next meal. He behaves recklessly with his own safety, and he hasn’t moved on from the trauma he experienced almost eighty years prior. He also believes that resurrection is unnatural, and accepts his own death with relative ease.

I think his survivor’s guilt left him passively suicidal, just waiting for his inevitable death to come to him, and holds fiercely onto Gillin’s final wishes that Senshi lives on as a reason to not seek it out.

[andejoe]

A aliens guide to humans that have a bit of a temper or have strong uncontrolled emotions? Or that have a tendency to bite claw or scratch when angered

Guide to Upset Humans

While most humans grow out of fits of rage, or learn to handle them discretely, there are moments of unbridled emotion that can well up. This guide hopes to prepare you should this happen.

Do NOT assume you can handle flailing limbs. Humans tap into insane strength when they are emotional.

It is vital to prevent a human from flinging their limbs lest they hurt themselves and not realize it. Use a blanket or other large wrap to protect both you and the human.

Once the limbs are secured, a human may fight harder if their emotional state triggers their danger instincts or they may relax into sobs.

If the human begins to sob, do not release them. Fetch them cold water, a hot drink, and something to eat.

If the human fights harder, DO NOT release them.

Without letting the human free, move as far away as possible.

Human teeth may not look sharp, but they can and will bite a chunk of flesh off your body.

Wear protective armor. Humans invented a near perfect material called ‘denim’ that is flexible and teeth proof. *Denim does NOT protect from the pain of a bite, just protects the flesh from being ripped off*

If the human escapes, do not try to recapture them. Their fight or flight instincts have already engaged and any further interference will likely lead to someone or something being damaged/hurt.

If you absolutely must stop the human immediately, gather several others and encircle the human in a group hug. This will likely force the human to relax, although it will take time.

If you can, it may be easiest to lead the human into an empty room with only one guarded exit and allow them to calm down naturally.

Report all wounds immediately.

[dogwatch05]

Conversations 3

Human 1 : "What are you doing? Put it back and buy it at Walmart."

Human 2: *Feral Hiss*

Human 1 to Human 3: "She hissed at me!"

Human 2: "That was not intentional"

Alien: "I need a new job"

[carionto]

The Revitalization League of Extinct Sports

Documentation!

Every culture and civilization creates mountains of records of all kinds, though sadly the ones that have the highest chance of surviving beyond the ages are also prone to retain the least amount of complete information.

Wear and tear of physical mediums is unavoidable, no matter the precautions and measures taken. Thus there are countless organizations and individuals dedicated to finding, preserving and restoring information that has been lost to time.

One such group aims to recover the lost art of athletics, physical competitions, and exercises of pure strength and speed. The results have been...

mixed.

Their primary sources of "inspiration" have been ancient print media depicting the lives of a subgroup of Humans called 'Alpha Males', though DNA analysis has yet to identify a consistent genetic code to substantiate their actual existence. Nevertheless, there are quite a few depictions from a limited spectrum of Human history of these Alphas engaged in a variety of dangerous activities.

Some speculate that it was a mutation that had a predisposition towards recklessness and so if these Alphas truly were a Human sub-variant at some point, their nature made them extinct within just the span of a few generations. However, their exploits have survived to this day and age, and the Revitalization League of Extinct Sports has replicated these, within reason, of course.

This particular display of strength and endurance, has been named "Naked and Ferocious". The goal of this activity, we speculate, was to showcase ones individual prowess against a seemingly inferior opponent of another species, but who had numbers on their side.

Events often seen in nature, where the goal is survival, are sometimes reintroduced by a society where such conflict has been eliminated to maintain some connection with their origins, to never forget the cruel reality that awaits should civilization collapse, or most commonly a simple showcase of strength for personal ego reasons.

The League, naturally, cannot offer one to fight actual living creatures, that would simply be too chaotic and dangerous for everyone involved. Plus laws exist, but only because to some the obvious problems are, apparently, not obvious. What they offer instead are robotic replicas, as lifelike as the real deal, but programmed to either not cause any harm, or if the participant signs a warrant, limited harm.

It's... quite popular among some crowds. Of Humans mostly. It can be a little, actually, a lot off-putting to see a bare chested Human crush a mechanical creature MADE OF METAL that kinda resembles some members of the Galactic Coalition.

Humans are incredibly terrifying, no matter what they do or if they even have access to their literal planet destroying machines or just their own bodies.

The creativity of destruction knows no bounds.

[goblinlurkin]

need to find a way to advertise my art to furries that arent interested in human people

[dgtor-official]

POV: 7’6” Barbarian Orc woman, who’s lost her mate and is trying to reunite with her remaining family has just been hit on by the party’s down bad bard.