something about "your anger isn't scary to me" is making me so emotional. something about as above so below, cassandra as a mirror of kristen. something about "I've been dropping the ball a lot lately" and kristen's struggles with adhd. something about teenage girls and rage and fury and justice. something about adaine's vision of ruining fallinel and the sylvaire looking for revenge. something about sadness and doubt and anger and love. something about "I choose to understand" being the absolute core theme of d20 in general. something something.
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WEI WUXIAN, who is afraid of childbirth and pregnancy, and wants to have adopted puppies sooner than ever give birth to them, because he knows a lot of stories about painful childbirth and death during them, and the very thought of pregnancy makes him feel terrible —
♡
alpha!reader who makes a lot of nests and brings clothes so that your omega can hide in them, but at the same time you completely lack any desire to have biological puppies, even if your parental instinct is very active and even aggressive in manifestation — but you completely spend it on your husband, who remains an eternal puppy.
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thinking about how if gillion hadn't drawn a second card from the deck and instead was present for the feywild stuff it STILL would've fucked him up. just in a slightly different way. because thinking about it that shit was made to get to him on such a personal level.
pretzel, the closest thing to a service animal the undersea has ever seen, being turned into a plushie? almost like the frogtopus plushie he had as a child? a tiny classroom setting with a strict teacher who states that you have one chance and the punishment for cheating and/or failing the test is DEATH? sounds kinda similar to the "if you don't get this right on your first try, the world is gonna fucking end and it'll be your fault" mentality his tutors had with him. the room that was filled with blades and weapons hanging from the ceiling in which the key to moving forward was filling a vial with blood? there's that self-sacrificial behavior he was taught. running and fighting for your life in a totally unfamiliar place with strange creatures you're convinced are trying to kill you? those training simulations weren't for nothing!
a creature made to be a weapon asking only "do I have free will?"
the answer being them allowing another to cut their chains and free them.
even the escape room with the family is almost mocking him. because growing up, that's all he wanted, isn't it? his family. people around that cared about him. that wanted him around as family, rather than the chosen one. I bet escaping without being able to save the family, even with how artificial they are, would have super gotten under his skin. his time in the luxbris pearl still REALLY got to him but. I wonder if he would've finally opened up to chip and jay, at least a little bit, if he hadn't drawn that card.
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do you ever think about how will probably wishes he was braver?
that he could tell mike the truth about himself without having to speak in code. that he could stick to his guns when he's been wronged and stand up for himself rather than tucking tail and turning the other cheek. that he could be less shy, less sensitive, less cowardly, and maybe then his loved ones wouldn't forget about him as often as they do.
maybe then they would pick him first, rather than leaving him for last. maybe then they would want to hang out with him and hear what he has to say. maybe then they would treat him like they used to, like he can still take care of himself just like they can, instead of like a fragile little thing that they pick up only when they need him. maybe then they would care about him as much as he cares about them. maybe then he wouldn't doubt that it could all come crashing down once they know who he really is, and always has been, because the rest of him would've been enough.
like, maybe he wishes he didn't freeze or run away so much. maybe he wishes he wasn't so afraid all the time, of every little thing. that he could be brave like mike, el, or his mom. i mean, el's been through so much, too. why can't he be more like her? why does he have to hide behind her? he hides behind her when the monsters come crawling back, and he hides behind her when he can't bring himself to say what he really means—even after getting on her case about it.
he spent so much time on that painting. he didn't let anyone see it—it was that special to him. why couldn't he own up to that? there's no monster in the van with him; it's just him and mike and this painting of the party, nothing inherently incriminating or romantic, and still—he can't help himself. he retreats back into the shadow, shrinks into himself, and tells lie after lie to the person that he never lies to, that he knows doesn't fucking deserve that, just because he's too scared.
of course he'd feel like a mistake sometimes. of course he'd hate who he is (if That script is to be believed), when he can't even talk to the one person that would understand without lying straight to his face, over and over again, like a fucking hypocrite. of course he'd feel so lost without the person that tells him it's okay to be this way and shows him that there is indeed strength in it. of course he'd hate who he is when he's encouraging someone to be true and speaking about their courage, all while being incapable of taking his own advice, and giving the credit for all of his love and efforts and emotions to someone else.
so many people died to bring him back, so many people died just because he didn't stay dead when maybe he should have, and for what? so that he can continue to hide rather than live his life? so that he can turn into a "worse" version of himself? so that he can live in fear? so that he can continue to ache for a past that he can never return to, while everyone else moves forward and berates him for not doing the same? time stopped in the upside down when will went missing, and he's been stuck there ever since, too. too much has happened for him to move on from. too much has changed—he's changed. he's too different now, in every way, and the older he gets the more clear it becomes.
of course he'd feel like a mistake. of course he'd hate who he is. he's the common denominator here: in his loneliness and in this war. the boy who came back to life when others didn't. the boy that got possessed and couldn't fight it. the boy that turned into a liar and a coward and must learn to live with it, even if it's at his own expense. the boy that can't let go of the past and whom the past won't let go of either, because even after everything, he's still connected to this great evil that won't let him go. they got it out of him, and yet the tether remains, because of-fucking-course it would.
just—why? why him? why can't anything ever go right with him? why is he always the outlier? i think that overwhelming amount of fear, shame, grief, guilt, exhaustion, and loneliness would wear anyone down, let alone a teenager that never asked for any of it and has experiences so unfathomably unique that the only other people that could have possibly understood are literally dead.
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realistically being lost in a labyrinth or the backrooms or something would be one of my worst nightmares but we tend to love those the most
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Turns out wasps like raspberry enough to eat some from your hand ❤️
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Hi cianna ! I messaged you soo soooo long ago about being nervous to go back to college after the thing where my roommate tried to kill me (if u may recall), but I wanted to share I just signed a lease today in the town my new college is in for a single bedroom! No roommates!! I'm so excited now to go and I'm going to be able to sign up for classes soon! Sharing with u previously was cathartic for my nervous ass so I wanted you to know that I'm now much less nervous in part thanks to you and the positivity you've shared here on your blog - trying to absorb your drive for your area of study for myself as well haha. Anyway I love you have a good day ❤️❤️❤️
WAIT OMG THATS SO COOL im so so so proud of you!!!! This is so cool wtf it actually just made my whole day
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When you find yourself doubting if you can go on, just remember how far you've come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome. Then raise your head high and forge ahead, knowing you got this!
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