#parasocial interaction is real guys

[chompe-diem]

cannot quite put the words to it but the 2 crew fall vaguely like this on some kind of alignment chart. couldnt verbalize the axes but i swear-

[ugh-yoongi]

a word from our sponsors | knj

you’ve co-hosted a podcast with namjoon for three years; have known him even longer. the two of you have always been the picture of platonic, but that hasn’t stopped the internet from doing what the internet does. the shipping? a little weird at first, but you can understand it: two attractive twenty-somethings always in close proximity to one another, obvious (platonic!) chemistry—people have created ships for less. the fanfiction, though? also pretty funny… until you can’t stop thinking about it. 🎙️

pairing: namjoon x f. reader genre: podcast, friends to lovers au; crack, smut, fluff rating: explicit. minors do not interact. warnings: parasocial relationships galore, a m*n with a p*dcast, author abuses italics, swearing, alcohol, reader uses a pseudonym/nickname (piper) because writing the meta fanfiction scene would've been too weird without one and i refuse to use y/n, dialogue-heavy but it is a fic about a podcast, everyone is down horrendous, mentions of social media & fake r*ddit posts, ex-boyfriend yoongi but in a good, healthy way. let me know if i missed anything but mostly this is just two goofballs not realizing they're in love with one another. smut warnings: kissing, oral sex (f. receiving), fingering, unprotected vaginal sex (fiction), protected vaginal sex (nonfiction), a lil squirting, mild degradation, mentions of a p*ss kink but there is no actual pee i promise (...lest?), i didn't intend to write size kink but it's namjoon so it just showed up anyway, slight dom!joon, everyone orgasms. wordcount: 17.5k credits: this was entirely inspired by that one episode of the basement yard where frankie reads the smut fic of him and joe, so credits to both that author and that podcast. spotify, for their podcast name generator. astro-seek for helping me drag namjoon astrologically. an extra special, gigantic thanks to @effortandmore for writing the meta fanfic (3k of it, no less!) and not batting an eye when i said it could have pee in it as a joke. this is as much yours as it is mine. finally, @hot-soop and @the-boy-meets-evil for reading this over for me and telling me i'm funny. author's note: happy birthday, indigo! here i am to validate every fear you've ever had that the people you write porn about may one day read it. live and on air. :)

You’ve co-hosted a podcast with Namjoon for three years.

You can learn a lot about a guy in that amount of time.

None of it is especially salacious. You know all about his family and his dog and the brand of recycled paper towels he insists on buying in bulk. You know what he’d written his grad school thesis on and what he’d looked like in the thick of it, when he was staving off his fifth mental break of the week. You know how fidgety he gets when it’s closing in on Friday night and he’s got a date—how much he stresses over which restaurant to pick, which cologne, which expensive cashmere sweater to wear.

You also know what the internet thinks about him. Intimately.

Kim Namjoon, according to the internet, is peak husband material. He has cheeks ripe for pinching and thighs small countries would go to war to defend. He has a lap that doubles as a seat and dimples people want to get baptized in. He has Instagram selfies with hundreds of thousands of likes and comment sections full of intelligible keysmashes, especially the ones he posts from the gym.

Kim Namjoon, according to the internet, is a man written by a woman.

Looking at him now, you aren’t sure that’s true, you think people just need to raise their standards. Namjoon is just… Namjoon. He’s intelligent and kind and up to date on modern feminist theory, is all. And, sure, maybe in the current political landscape that puts him far above the rest of men, but the way the internet has latched onto him is a little concerning.

“There’s another post about whether or not we’re dating,” you say, pushing your glasses up the bridge of your nose.

sooo let’s be real here, we ALL think they’re dating, right?? Posted by u/pod-shipper 2 hours ago

Just like he always does, Namjoon huffs out a soft laugh, makes his way around to your side of the table. Puts his large hands on your shoulders as he leans in close to read from your screen, snorting every time he reads a sentence he finds particularly amusing. Whichever cologne he’d chosen this morning is, admittedly, very nice.

It’s sooo obvious, especially in the episodes they film and post on YouTube. The way they look at each other?? I don’t even look at my HUSBAND like that! (+1264) ↳ omg ur sooooo right! i could MAYBE buy that they aren’t full on dating, but they’ve def at least slept together. Namjoon is so 🔥🔥🔥 (+791) ↳ um how can namjoon be dating her when he’s already married to me 😌💅 (+3) ↳ For the millionth time, can we not speculate on their personal lives? This is weird and reinforces really harmful ideas that men and women can’t just be friends. (-51)

“How come they never talk about how hot you are?”

You can tell by the look on Namjoon’s face that he hadn’t meant to say that—or, if he did, he didn’t mean to say it like that, with an entire pout, eyebrows raised nearly to his hairline. “Cursed to be ugly and dumb,” you joke to ease the sudden tension, reading the comment that simply says you’d have to be the dumbest person alive to not sleep with Namjoon.

He scrunches his nose at that. Returns to his side of the table. “Yeah, I don’t think so, lots of people haven’t slept with me.” Starts to unpack all the gear from his bag before he says, “Hey, all that stuff—does it bother you?”

“What do you mean?” you answer, the corner of a protein bar stuck in your mouth. Namjoon always insists on recording at the most inconvenient times.

“People thinking we’re together,” he clarifies.

You shrug. “I dunno. Not really. Comes with the territory, I think, not to mention how much you love to overshare—”

“Hello?”

“I’m just saying,” you retort, hands raised in self-defense. “There really was no need for you to mention you blew your grad school stipend on a porn scam.” Namjoon looks affronted, like he can’t believe you’d stoop so low as to bring that up. “Or that you lost your virginity at fifteen.”

“We have a relationship podcast,” he states simply. “That’s kind of what we do, right? Talk about relationships? And the spectrum of human sexuality is part of that.”

You slump back in your chair as you quirk an eyebrow. “No one said it wasn’t, I just said you overshare. Which you do.”

“And that’s why there’s a dozen Reddit posts a week discussing whether or not we’re dating? Because I overshare?”

“Yeah, exactly. That’s the kind of behavior that leads to parasocial relationships. People latch onto that shit. Makes them think they’re your friend.” He glares. “Don’t give me that look, you know I’m right. It’s bad enough you’ve word-vomited all this highly personal information about yourself, but to not even do it under a pseudonym? It’s like you’re begging for trouble.”

Another comment he doesn’t even realize he’s making: “I don’t beg. For anything.”

To this day, you’re not sure why Namjoon asked you to co-host a podcast with him.

His reasoning had been simple: “You’re my best friend and we don’t agree on anything.” Hard to argue with that. Namjoon has seemingly endless patience, even in the face of things he shouldn’t entertain, and you… do not, to put it simply.

You’re not a cold person. Your fuse isn’t short. You’re just a little jaded, is all. Have far less propensity for bullshit than Namjoon does, so the two of you play well off each other. You end a sentence with a well-punctuated full stop and Namjoon’s right behind you to sigh and say maybe you shouldn’t be so hasty, not everything in the world can be so black or white.

Except some things are. Somewhere along the way, the podcast—which Namjoon had affectionately named Place Him Gently in the Garbage, even though some people should be shoved in there with force—had picked up a following. A big one. And now, every week, you’re inundated with emails ranging in severity. Sometimes people just want to vent after their tenth bad date in a row or share funny stories, and Namjoon lets you take the lead on those, but sometimes it’s a little more serious. That’s where Namjoon shines, all that endless patience, and people love him for it.

“What’s on the agenda today?” he asks, accepting a thick stack of papers from Jungkook.

Ah, Jungkook.

You aren’t sure what he actually does. Some kind of social media manager, which is obvious from the wildly out-of-context clips he posts of you to TikTok, and it’s his responsibility to go through the thousands of emails you get from listeners, but aside from that all you’ve got are your suspicions that he just sticks around to swindle Namjoon out of more and more money.

“I’m in a silly goofy mood,” comes Jungkook’s reply, and you let out a witch cackle as Namjoon winces. Nothing good ever comes of Jungkook being in a silly goofy mood, and that’s quite alright by you.

Fifteen minutes later finds you with a camera in your face that you greet with an unamused, flat stare. Jungkook is used to it by now. Just films for a few seconds before turning his attention to an unaware Namjoon. Head down, pen and highlighter going a mile a minute as he pores over the stack of papers with all the doggedness and eagle-eyed stare of a literature professor.

That’s the thing about Namjoon—he takes this really seriously. So do you, but not in the ways Namjoon does. He’s all skill and determination and you’re color commentary. It works. It clearly works, so you aren’t too bent out of shape about it, but sometimes you worry. Namjoon takes this really seriously and sometimes you worry that he takes it too seriously, that he carries the burdens and worries of all these strangers, that he’s trying to solve and fix things that aren’t his responsibility to solve and fix.

So he takes it really seriously and you don’t take it as seriously as you maybe should, and everything is by design. Balanced.

Twenty minutes later finds you staring across the table at Namjoon, who asks, “Are you ready?” and does one last equipment check before he launches into, “Welcome back to another episode of Place Him Gently in the Garbage with Namjoon and Piper. What’s new with you, Pipe? Any fun news?”

Pipe. It drives you nuts. Feels like nails on a chalkboard. “I see you almost every single day,” you respond dryly. “But for the sake of entertainment, I’m thinking about getting a cat.”

“A cat?” Namjoon parrots, and his eyebrows disappear beneath his fringe because he knows what that means.

You’ve co-hosted a podcast with Namjoon for three years, but you’ve known him even longer.

Since your first year of college, which is also when you met Yoongi. Yoongi, your ex. Yoongi, the person you’d been with for six years and had planned a life around. Yoongi, now one of your closest friends, because the two of you still love one another but no longer in that way, which is fine. But also—Yoongi, allergic to cats.

So, yeah. Namjoon knows what that means, and he has the good sense not to mention it. Unlike him, you’re intensely private and keep your cards close to your chest. Your listeners don’t even know your real name, let alone that you’d gone through a breakup a year ago.

“What kind of cat?” he continues, like his entire world hasn’t just been turned upside-down.

You shrug. “Eh, I don’t know. Probably one that’s been in the shelter a long time, I guess. I’m not too fussy, you know?”

“Right, a cat is a cat,” Namjoon says, thinking he’s done something. You and Jungkook gasp at the same time. “What? Why are you giving me that look?”

“Because that’s a fucked up thing to say! A cat is not just a cat. They have little personalities, just like people. You’ve got—”

“But you just said you’re not fussy,” he interjects. “And I know they have personalities and that you have to find one that suits your lifestyle! Like, you can’t have one of those really cool cats that likes to go kayaking and shit, it’d never work—”

“What does that mean? Why couldn’t I have a cool cat?”

“Hey, all you cool cats and kittens,” Namjoon mocks, and you can tell he thinks he’s done something again, but his impression falls flatter than flat. An awkward silence fills the studio. He coughs. “Anyway. Do you have pictures?”

“Yeah. I also have a list of candidates ranked by how cool their names are. Number five, Casserole.”

“That’s cute.”

“Mhm,” you agree, “but Casserole is a kitten, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that kind of responsibility.”

“They do say you should adopt kittens in pairs.”

“And that’s how they get you. You want one kitten and they talk you into two, and before you know it you’ve got, like, twelve cats. Number four, Party Girl.”

“Sick name.”

“Number three, Toddler.”

“Toddler?”

“Number two, Flat.”

“Just Flat? Understandable.”

“And, finally, number one: Human Torch.”

“Yoooo.” Namjoon laughs. “You have to adopt Human Torch. Let me see.” You pull up a picture on your phone and hand it over. “Okay, for our listeners—Human Torch is a young, male Domestic Short Hair. He has stripes. I don’t know what that’s called.”

“Tabby,” Jungkook chimes in.

“Jungkook says he’s a tabby. He’s cute. Adopt him.”

You return your phone to your pocket. “Maybe. I still think I want an older cat, but I’ll consider it. What about you, though? Any new dating horror stories to share?”

Ah, the dating horror stories. Your most dedicated shippers are convinced they’re fake, that Namjoon just makes them up on the spot to keep them off your trail. If only. Not in the if only they were fake and Namjoon and I were actually dating kind of way, but the holy shit one of my closest friends is a fucking disaster and it’s a little embarrassing kind of way.

“Not really,” he answers. “I’ve got a date this Friday, though. Trying to decide if dinner and a movie is too boring.”

“It’s a classic for a reason. What are you gonna see, My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3?”

“Three?” Namjoon emphasizes, truly sounding scandalized. “Since when are there three? I haven’t even seen one or two.”

“Okay, first of all, the original is a classic and it’s a crime you haven’t seen it.”

“And second of all?”

“There is no second of all. Repeat point one.”

He snorts. “I’m not gonna see that, anyway. Maybe the re-release of Howl’s Moving Castle.”

“Subbed or dubbed, though?”

“Are you trying to get me canceled?”

“Absolutely.”

“I like both,” he chickens out. “Now, let’s stop wasting time and get to the point of the show.”

“Talking about cats is a waste of time?”

“I—no, we’ve just got a lot on the agenda today.”

“Like what?”

“Well, there’s lots to talk about on the celebrity front—”

Namjoon loves this part. As esteemed and educated as he is, not even he is immune to good old celebrity gossip. (Inside him there are two wolves.) Lives for it. Texts you about it at all hours of the night. Sends you links to Reddit threads with hundreds of comments. Has more opinions on Celebrity Big Brother than he does on Ludwig Wittgenstein, sometimes, and when that’s the case you know you’re in for a long evening. You’ve never even seen an episode of Celebrity Big Brother.

But Namjoon loves it, so you’ve become fond of it by association. Reminds you a bit of Yoongi and his love for sports and sports anime.

“—one should we start with?”

“Whatever you want,” you answer, because you haven’t been paying a lick of attention and you aren’t sure it matters anyway. Namjoon can talk to a wall on a good day, but he’s an entirely different beast once mundane, innocuous celeb gossip gets involved.

And even though you hadn’t been paying attention, it seems like this was the right thing to say, because Namjoon smiles so wide his dimples crater his face. “Cool. Let’s start with Taryn Manning. Did you see that bizarre—”

“Who?”

“What?”

“Who is Taryn Manning?”

Namjoon looks a little dumbstruck. Even Jungkook’s arching an eyebrow at you. “Are you serious? She was in Orange is the New Black and Crossroads.”

“The Britney Spears movie?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. Weird, okay. Continue.”

Your co-host shoots you a very pointed look. “I will, thanks. Anyway, she posted a video on social media talking about this affair she had with a married man. Like, she pulled over on the side of the road to record this. Said she can’t stand the man’s wife because she called her a quote-unquote lunatic.”

“I—huh, thought we weren’t supposed to say that anymore. Alright.”

“But wait, it gets even more bizarre. Listen to this quote—and this is direct. This is a direct quote from the video, I can’t stop thinking about it: ‘Don’t you ever threaten me when your husband came to me to get his butthole licked.’ Can you—”

“What? Namjoon, what in the fuck—”

“It’s crazy, right? She was gonna buy this guy a boat.”

“Namjoon, this is a family show, you can’t just talk about ass-eating unprompted.”

“No it’s not.”

“Well, you still shouldn’t talk about ass-eating unprompted. It’s unbecoming.”

“You’re unbecoming,” Namjoon fires back, because he can’t help it. The words are out of his mouth before he can think. “Sorry, that was out of line.”

You sigh. Know whatever look Jungkook is catching on his camera right now is exasperated and pointed, the corners of your mouth probably tugged up just a hint. “Unbecoming, like I said.” Namjoon scoffs. “Anyway, so this actress was gonna buy this married guy a boat and was eating his ass?”

“Yeah. Apparently it was her friend’s husband? They all went to a Taylor Swift concert together.”

“Jesus, this keeps getting worse. Big year for Hollywood cheaters.”

“It is, right? Cheaters and divorces. Something in the water, I guess.”

“I saw the astrology girlies saying a bunch of planets are in retrograde, so—”

“Can you explain that to me? Like, what does it mean for a planet to be in retrograde? Why is it causing divorces?”

“I don’t know, I’m not an astrology girlie. That’s why I said the astrology girlies. What are your big three, though?”

“What’s that?”

“Your sun, moon, and rising signs.”

“How do I find that out?”

“Ugh,” you intone, “don’t worry about it, I’ll do it myself. What time were you born?”

Namjoon rattles off a time.

You grab your laptop. Pull up the page, type in Namjoon’s date of birth and birthplace, and wait. Then you’re staring at a circle with a bunch of lines in it that also don’t make a lick of sense to you. You roll your lips to keep from laughing and school your voice into something deadly serious. “Bad news: it says you’re a virgin.”

“Virgo,” Namjoon corrects, not taking the bait. “I already knew that.”

You scroll a little further down the page. “Your moon is in Sagittarius. Oh god, listen to this, they’ve got you pegged: ‘The greatest need is to always search for something. In order to feel safe you need a philosophy or belief’—”

“Haaa, that’s not—”

“—’You need to have a goal or mission that gives your life meaning. Your faith must be voluntary and it is a paradox that fighting against dogmas may lead you to other dogmas.’ Yeah, that’s you.”

“That could apply to anyone,” he argues. “There are seven-billion people on this planet; I’d imagine a sizable amount of them would say that also describes them.”

“Hm, sounds like your faith in astrology is not yet voluntary. Did you know you’re a Scorpio rising?”

“No. I’m sure you’re gonna tell me all about it, though.”

You smile. “Correct. ‘People with Scorpio on the Ascendant need to fight against dark and destructive power in their life.’ Is that true?”

“Yeah, you’re the dark and destructive power. You keep sidetracking me and we need to get to the point of the podcast.” He grabs the stack of papers Jungkook had given him. Looks more highlighter than paper, if you’re being honest. “I guess Jungkook thought we needed a lighthearted kind of day.”

“That was nice of him, considering what he gave us last week. I guess we’re allowed to have faith in humanity today.”

To your left, Jungkook scoffs.

“Alright,” Namjoon starts, putting on his Very Serious Podcast Guy voice, “first up we’ve got a question from one of our listeners in Canada. It says, ‘Hi, Piper and Namjoon. I recently agreed to go on a blind date with a friend of a friend. She said he was a bit old-fashioned but really talked him up so I thought I was in good hands—and then he showed up to get me in a ‘67 GTO and exclusively referred to me as doll. He didn’t use my name once. I’m torn, because he was really nice and I had a good time otherwise, but this is weird, right? Should I see him agai—’”

“No,” you interject.

“Can I finish?”

“You don’t have to. This guy sounds greasy.”

Namjoon pinches the bridge of his nose. “And why is that?”

“Ignoring the fact that this guy has arguably one of the lamest classic cars around, he didn’t use their name once? Not once, in all the time they spent together? That’s really disrespectful.”

“Some people are just pet name people,” Namjoon argues.

“With absolute strangers, though? It’s really giving the impression that he didn’t even know it, not to mention some people are uncomfortable with pet names. The whole shtick is super lame.”

“I agree it sounds a bit misguided, but—”

Ignoring Namjoon, you say, “Sorry you had to go on a date with the ghost of less-cool James Dean. Into the garbage he goes.”

And, just like he’s done a million times before, Namjoon rolls his eyes and says, “If you really like this guy and want to see him again, a bit of communication will go a long way. Tell him the pet name made you uncomfortable—if it did—and offer to pick him up for the next date. I don’t think he’s completely destined for the garbage, yet.”

“You’re just saying that because you don’t have a license. You probably think a 1967 Pontiac GTO is the pinnacle of romance. That’s probably like picking someone up on a Specialized Aethos to you, eh?”

“That’s a fifteen-thousand dollar bike, I’ll have you know.”

You groan. “Oh my god.”

Ep: #183 - Namjoon is a Virgin

I think Namjoon had the right idea on this one. Sure, the car can be considered lame, but I think a lot of men are deeply insecure and therefore overcompensate when it comes to dating. Women are hard to impress when they have unlimited options. You have to stand out, so I’m glad he advocated for him. Piper can come off like such a misandrist sometimes. (-649) ↳ just shut up bro namjoon would fuckin hate u (+204) ↳ Imagine caring about something like this when they’re getting a cat together 🙄 (+19)

You think about the cat thing for nearly a week.

Adopting a cat is certainly not the worst idea you’ve ever had, and truth be told it’s been a little lonely, living by yourself. No more Yoongi in your space; no more Holly. So, having a new little friend around might do you some good.

It’s just—

It’s a big commitment, and there’s also the dog sitting-shaped elephant in the room. Ending things on good terms means you’re still Yoongi’s second-choice sitter whenever he has to go out of town, and while you love Holly dearly (the two of you had adopted him together, after all), he’s a lot like his father in a lot of ways.

Should I get a cat, you type out, and it’s only been in Yoongi’s inbox a few seconds before the most unflattering picture you’ve ever taken of him is flashing across your screen.

“Are you dying?” you ask, because Yoongi doesn’t call you for much else.

And you already know what his response is going to be. “We’re all dying.”

“Lighten up, Yoongi. One might say being so existentially nihilistic before noon causes wrinkles.”

There’s a split-second pause. “It’s nine p.m.”

“Sure, but it’s before tomorrow’s noon, so it still counts.”

“Whatever. Listen, before you adopt that cat, I need a favor.”

“You going out of town again?”

“Yeah. Shouldn’t be long, though. A week at the most, five days if I’m lucky.”

“That’s fine, bring him over whenever. Yijeong’s busy?”

This pause is far, far longer. “No,” comes Yoongi’s eventual response, but it’s slow. Unsure. A two-letter word has never taken so long to say in the history of ever. “He’s, uh. Coming with me?”

Oh, you think. This is where your ex awkwardly and hesitantly breaks the news of his new relationship. You’ve known this day was coming, and this is what you get for staying friends with him. “This is a fanfiction plot,” you accuse. “Hot, mysterious man moves into a gaudy apartment complex after ending a long-term relationship and meets his equally-hot and mysterious neighbor and they fall in love.”

“I—that’s not—my apartment is not gaudy.”

“Yes it is. There’s a giant gold bust of a weird bird in the lobby.”

“Weird bird?” he parrots. “It’s a swan.”

“I see you’re not denying the in-love-with-your-neighbor accusations.”

“Am I on trial?” Yoongi retorts, and it’s such a Yoongi thing to say when what he means is, is this okay? He means, are we able to talk about this without it being weird? He means, I won’t ever say as much out loud, but your acceptance means a lot to me, and I’d like for you to give me this.

So you lower your voice and soften the edges because it’s not really something to joke about, and you say, “No, of course you’re not on trial,” and Yoongi knows what you mean. “And if you were, you'd get locked up for fifty years. You can’t lie for shit.”

There’s a beat of silence before he clears his throat, mutters a thanks that is so quiet you almost don’t catch it. “Send me pictures of the cats.”

Later on, once you’re freshly-showered and tucked into bed with a candle and a book (Eloge de l’amour by Alain Badiou at Namjoon’s insistence and request), your phone buzzes with a text from Yoongi—

Yoongi: toddler is a fucking hilarious name for a cat but so is flat Yoongi: it’s a tie for me You: Okay well pick one 🙄 Yoongi: yijeong says get both You: Both???? Is he paying my vet bills? Yoongi: kinda out of line to proposition him for money. flat is also good with dogs, js You: If he’s now being raised by you two, my perfect, well-behaved son is probably long gone. Does he even count as a dog anymore? Yoongi: me and yijeong both say fuck off Yoongi: holly too. he says he doesn’t miss you anymore and he’s not coming over now Yoongi has added Yijeong to the group Yoongi has changed the group name to #ThirdWheelChat Yijeong: Please don’t drag me into this. Also I did not say “fuck off” You have changed the group name to People Who Have Seen Yoongi Naked Yoongi: fuck you

You should’ve known something was going on with Jungkook, because it’d started like this:

(When you and Namjoon started the podcast three years ago, it was in the living room of his apartment.

Surrounded by books and plants. He loved to record in the afternoons back then—Namjoon loved to say it was because of his grad school schedule, but you’ve always suspected he just wanted to preen in the golden hour light, much like he’s doing now.

“Is this really necessary?” Jungkook whines from his spot on the couch. He’s already swindled Namjoon out of two bags of microwavable popcorn and three cans of sparkling water. “It’s a Saturday afternoon; I could be doing something so much more fun than this.”

Namjoon scoffs. “Are you saying this isn’t fun?”

“Yeah. It sucks, actually. This could’ve been an email.”

And because Namjoon is accomplished, mature, and absolutely incapable of not taking Jungkook’s bait, the space between his brows creases as he sends a murderous glare Jungkook’s way. “Stop eating my food, then. And drinking my drinks. And lounging on my couch like that—”

“I’m not lounging,” Jungkook argues.

“You’re manspreading all over the leather!”

“This is how I sit!”

“Well, knock it off! My couch is only for fun and people who think I’m fun!”

Jungkook rolls his eyes. “So you fuck on it?”

“What?”

“What other fun things could you possibly do on a couch?”

Namjoon blinks. “Watch… watch a movie?”

Jungkook groans, throws himself backwards against the pillows as if he’s suffering a Victorian ailment. “Jesus. No wonder you can’t score a second date.”

“Okay, that was a little uncalled for. There are a ton of reasons a person might not want a second date, and no one is obligated to go out with me—”

“Uh-huh. Anyway—”

You clear your throat. Try to hide your own can of seltzer you’d taken from Namjoon’s fridge in the midst of his and Jungkook’s bickering. “Not trying to be rude, but I have an appointment at the shelter at three. If, y’know. You wouldn’t mind speeding this up a little.”

“Oh! Yeah, of course—”

“Oh, so you’ll speed this up for her but not—”

Namjoon pinches the bridge of his nose. “She,” he begins, jerking his thumb in your direction, “isn’t needlessly complaining and actually has someplace to be.”)

It was just a quick little rendezvous in Namjoon’s living room to come up with a rough draft for the following month’s episodes. He couldn’t do it over text because he’d fallen down the steps at his office and landed on his ass on the corner of a step and his phone had been in his back pocket. Cracked clean in half. And he couldn’t do it over email because he—rightfully—knew Jungkook would ignore them because he has his inbox set up to send all of Namjoon’s personal emails to the trash.

But Jungkook holds onto things like that. Grudges. Loves to let Namjoon think bygones are bygones and pop up a few days later with some evil scheme. Hence:

“What is this?”

Jungkook smirks. Rocks back on his heels. “It’s fanfiction.”

“I can see that, but… why?”

This is where Jungkook shines: the ominous, cheshire cat grin; the aw, shucks demeanor that gaslights Namjoon into thinking Jungkook couldn’t possibly be fucking with him. “Well, you were having trouble coming up with ideas for episodes, and there’s an email in there from someone whose partner reads really expli—”

“Jungkook, this is fanfiction about me.”

You can’t help the laugh that escapes you. Of all the weird shit you’ve seen on the internet (and there’s been a lot), fanfiction of people you know—your friends—was something you’d managed to escape. Probably by virtue of not knowing anyone famous enough to warrant fanfiction being written about them.

But you should’ve known. You really, really should’ve known.

“Oh my god?”

You’re not sure who says it. Could be you or Namjoon, but the sentiment is the same. He mouths a what the fuck at you that’s met with a shrug. You’re in uncharted territory now, too. “Where did you even find this?” you ask, taking the stack of papers from Namjoon. “And why did you print it out?”

“Because I’m going to track down whoever wrote it and get them to autograph it. Then I’m going to buy a nice frame and hang it on the wall behind him, so we never forget this historical moment in Place Him Gently in the Garbage lore.”

“It’s a podcast,” Namjoon deadpans, “how can it have lore? And how much lore can there possibly be?”

“It’s the internet,” you concede. “The lore possibilities are endless. Don’t tempt them.”

Jungkook nods sagely, well-versed in the degeneracy of the internet. “Yeah, that’s how you end up with shit like 4chan.”

“4chan? There’s Space Jam porn on there.”

As the youngest, all Jungkook can do is roll his eyes. “Sometimes explaining this shit to you feels like trying to teach old people how to rotate PDFs—”

Namjoon scoffs. “I’m not that bad. I know how to rotate a PDF.”

Wow, Jungkook mouths. “Anyway, back to the fanfiction—”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Namjoon interjects. He looks at you. “It’s weird, right? Like, it’s weird that people have written this about us?”

About us.

Your scope of the world narrows to the size of a pinhead. It’d just been about Namjoon before. This is fanfiction about me, he’d said, and you hadn’t been included in that. Now it’s written about us and you’re included.

“I—what?”

“It’s about us,” Namjoon repeats.

Jungkook rolls his lips. “It’s about the two of you fucking, to be specific.”

“Can you not—”

“Fucking a lot,” Jungkook continues. “So much fucking.”

Namjoon looks at you, and it’s all you can do to keep from laughing. The look on his face is pure bewilderment, both that Jungkook has cooked up this idea and is hell-bent on executing it and that he remains employed. And maybe it’s a little bit of nerves, too, because neither of you are ignorant of the risks. Reading fanfiction about yourselves—about the two of you as a couple, specifically, or at least two people who have sex—is weird. Not something you can unread.

And maybe it’s because you’re so determined to not make it weird that you send Namjoon a cheeky, exaggerated wink, shrug your shoulders, and say, “I’ll need a couple drinks, but I’m down.”

Jungkook throws his head back and cackles wildly, and that look of bewilderment on Namjoon’s face morphs into something else. Trepidation, maybe; definitely disbelief, because sometimes he lets himself get swept away in Jungkook’s schemes, but it’s rare that you follow suit.

As Jungkook continues to laugh, you wonder if you should’ve said no.

Namjoon has two stipulations: the two of you have to film the episode completely alone, and he, too, needs to be a little drunk.

The latter? Piece of cake, considering Namjoon has become some sort of whiskey aficionado in recent years. His drinking is streamlined and to the point—he knows exactly how much and what to drink to get him where he wants to be. You can’t say he isn’t efficient.

The former, though? Borderline impossible. From the second Namjoon states his terms, Jungkook is having none of it. Argues that he’s the one who found the story and the one who cleared it with the author, so he deserves to witness the fruits of his labor.

“No,” Namjoon repeats for the nth time, “no way. I’ll barely be able to do this with just her, let alone both of you.”

And that—that doesn’t bother you, right? You force a laugh, because why would it bother you?

There are few secrets between you and Namjoon, except your respective sex lives have been staunchly off-limits. Namjoon could be a virgin for all you know, and as you study him—the way he keeps bobbing his leg, the slight shake in his hands—you wonder if that’s the reason he’s being so weird about this.

It’s just a story.

Fiction.

Most people don’t have to worry about someone writing stories about them fucking their friends. If they do, you reckon even less actually read them. So, sure, it’s a little strange, but people from all over the world send in stranger stuff all the time, don’t they? It’s literally the reason you’re in this predicament.

Eventually Jungkook agrees. His whining has gotten him nowhere, so he just throws up his hands. Posts a cryptic little “u guys won’t believe what the next patreon ep is lmao” that sends the internet into a frenzy. Doubles your Patreon numbers almost immediately, and both you and Namjoon do a good job of pretending the pressure isn’t overwhelming.

Jesus. You have to read explicit fanfiction about yourselves. On camera.

Namjoon gets caught up with work and isn’t available until the weekend, so you’re forced to sit with the nerves for a few days. Not too bad at first, but you’re nearly coming out of your skin by Thursday with the need to know. You’re well-versed in the world of fanfiction, but this is fanfiction about you: your name, your likeness, maybe even your personality.

What will they know of Namjoon, though?

Will they get it right, the way he looks with his jaw clenched? How impossibly deep his voice can go, both when it’s raspy with sleep and when he’s fully at ease? Will the Namjoon in the story be closer to the Namjoon you know, or the version of himself he presents to the public?

And you’ve known him a long time—long enough that there are few secrets between you, but you don’t know the most intimate parts. All the parts the internet loves to speculate on. All the little gaps that, apparently, need to be filled in by fanfiction.

Will they know what Namjoon looks like when he gets off?

No, you scold yourself, jerking awkwardly like you’ve been burned, and neither will you.

Because you are not going to think about this. Your thoughts are not going to go there. Namjoon is your friend, and you’ve listened to him scold an endless amount of men on the podcast for exactly this behavior. Sexualizing their friends. You’re not going to do it, too.

Maybe that’s why you’re kind of seeing double when it comes time to record. Namjoon needed an extra shot and offered you one as well. You’d necked it without a second thought and now you’re here, trying to ignore the slight tilt of the room as Namjoon adjusts the camera.

“How’s the shot look?” he asks, gesturing vaguely behind him at his laptop screen because Jungkook had refused to lend you his fancy cameras if he wasn’t allowed to be involved.

It’s a completely normal question.

It’s a question you’ve asked and answered a million times.

Except—there’s something horribly distracting about Namjoon in this moment. The outline of his back muscles through the thin fabric of his t-shirt. The way the sleeves are tight around his biceps. He’s always been a gym rat, always carries around a protein shake that smells and looks completely foul, but you can’t remember it ever being this obvious.

And you take too long to answer, because Namjoon straightens up just enough to send you a concerned look. Which does not help. You are not imagining what else might cause his brows to pinch like that, what might have his lips parting, have sweat dotting his hairline.

You swallow. Hard.

“Looks fine,” you manage to say. He’s still staring. Are you on fire? You feel like you’re on fire, which would make sense. Would explain Namjoon’s sweating and concerned stare and the fact that he cannot stop staring at you. “Maybe a tiny bit to the right if we’re being picky,” you tack on, hoping it’ll break whatever spell the two of you are ensnared in.

It works. “To the—the right, yeah, makes sense,” he rambles.

He moves it an inch to the left.

—

Things are tense, to say the least.

Recording hasn’t been this awkward since your first episode, or maybe ever. You’re sat across from one another like you always are, and usually Namjoon would be making quip after quip by now, talking endlessly until Jungkook shushed him long enough to get the intro filmed. Now, there’s just silence.

“Should we…?” Namjoon startles. Bangs his knee on the underside of the table and drops a string of curses. “Sorry, are you—”

“I’m fine,” he says, cutting you off. He gestures vaguely toward the camera. “I’ll just… yeah.”

Showtime.

You wipe your hands on your jeans, unsure of when they got so damp. Unsure of when you’d grown so nervous, too, because you’d been fine an hour ago. Had strolled in with two cups of tea and a little too much confidence, giddy at what you were about to do.

Maybe the nerves had shown up alongside the alcohol. This sounds reasonable, and you do not, under any circumstance or for any reason, think about Namjoon’s back. Or his biceps.

Namjoon makes it through the intro, dimples deep and wide as he smiles, and you also don’t think about the way his voice cracks and gets a little breathy when he introduces you. It’s only because he’d been drinking, and the flush on his cheeks attests to that. The same flush that creeps down his neck, still a little sweaty; disappears beneath the hemline of his shirt.

“—Jungkook had. Right, Piper?”

Now it’s your turn to startle, and there’s not much you can do to hide the obvious except ask Namjoon to redo the shot. Because it’s bad enough the internet already overanalyzes every move you make, every word choice, every instance you’ve stared at Namjoon a second longer than they thought you would—this is a blatant display of… affectedness.

“Sorry,” you say, “I wasn't paying attention. Can we redo it?”

You’re expecting a playful scolding. A ha ha, get it together, because that’s what you usually get. But there’s nothing aside from Namjoon studying you and nodding. Asking if you’re okay. Saying, “Is this—this is weird, right? Is it too weird? Maybe we shouldn’t—”

An out. Namjoon is giving you an out, and you should take it, you know you should take it, so there’s absolutely no reason at all you shake your head and say, “No, no, it’s fine! I think I’m just a little, uh. Drunk?”

“Are you sure? We can—”

“It’s fine, Joon,” you insist. “Besides, it’ll be good content, right?”

“Good content,” he parrots. “Yeah, for sure.” He fidgets in his seat, runs his hands down the span of his thighs. Very, very thick thighs. “I’ll grab us some water.”

You faceplant onto the table as soon as he’s out of the room. When did his thighs get so thick?

But the water helps. Cures whatever strange, insatiable thirst has come over you, because you feel much more human after a few glasses. Less drunk, too, which makes sense. Yoongi could barely escape your drunken, horny wrath when the two of you were together, so you chalk it up to a Pavlovian response.

Namjoon does the intro again. Introduces you strong and steady, not a hint of nerves, and explains, with a fresh blush taking over his upper body, what the episode’s going to be about. “Someone wrote fanfiction about us,” he says, scratching at the back of his neck. “It’s, uh, pretty explicit. Jungkook thought it’d be funny if we read it.”

You snort. “He might get fired, depending on how this goes.”

“He should get fired regardless,” Namjoon deadpans. “Anyway, we have permission from the author to read this so don’t come after us, and, as always, we’ll put all the credits in the video description.”

“Special shoutout to Jungkook, though, who was not allowed to be here with us for this momentous occasion.”

Namjoon laughs. “I’m sure he’s having plenty of fun at home.” You both pause. “That’s not—I’m not implying anything with that! I just meant—you know, like. He’s hanging out and enjoying his day off.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Moving on. I have two copies of this. Do you want your own?”

You grin, wicked and wide. “Nah, just read it to me.”

“Making me do all the work,” he huffs. “Typical.”

“There’s a stack of papers in front of you that might say otherwise.”

It’s clear you catch him off-guard. He cocks an eyebrow, opens and shuts his mouth a few times like a goldfish. An obvious question sits on the tip of his tongue: You think you’d be in charge? Instead he coughs, jerks his head to the side, and says, “I guess we’ll see.”

It sounds like a challenge.

Thirty seconds is all you get before Namjoon’s shuffling his stack of papers and clearing his throat. Asking if you’re ready and jumping right into it once you say you are. Reads the first few lines like they’re some old lecture notes, and they’re conservative and safe-for-work enough that you start to relax.

And then Namjoon reads, “A louder one wonders if Namjoon is a pet name person—if he’d call her ‘honey,’ or ‘gummy bear,’ ‘babe,’ or ‘baby,’” and you choke.

“Gummy bear?”

Namjoon laughs along with you—the weird one that almost sounds like a dog panting. “You want me to call you gummy bear?”

“I want you to call me a Lyft,” you snark. “I’m leaving.”

He continues:

And that’s how it starts, wandering thoughts, wandering fingers—the first time Piper comes to the thought of Namjoon calling her baby, pushing inside her, showing her that he definitely doesn’t beg, but she does… Well, she’s a little ashamed. She’s apparently got a reputation to maintain, anyway, not to mention a friendship.

His eyes leave the paper and lock onto you. “Or maybe you’d prefer baby?”

“Fuck off.”

Weeks after that first time, it’s become a habit, thinking about Namjoon as something more than a friend. It’s confusing and a little mortifying and it’s starting to affect her in ways she hadn’t expected. When they record, she feels fidgety—she’s jumpy when he gets close, has all the stupid obvious tells of an unwanted crush: her breath hitches when he whispers (why the fuck is he whispering in her ear, anyway? Doesn’t he know what that does to a person?) inside jokes to her so Jungkook can’t hear, her heart rate spikes when their fingers accidentally brush, she feels itchy and hot and a little embarrassed whenever he holds eye contact with her. It’s terrible, and it’s only made worse by the way he’s doing all of those things more than usual. Or, at least she thinks he is, thinks she’s not imagining the way his eyes linger on her more than she can remember happening before or the way she’s caught him staring at her lips when she chews on the end of her pencil mindlessly. 

You’ve completely forgotten how to breathe.

Namjoon’s staring again. You need to salvage this. He’s only on paragraph three and you’re already squirming in your chair and imagining things that are not appropriate. So you roll your lips, return his teasing. “Well? Do you stare at my lips?”

It works. “No,” he scowls.

“You sure?” you joke, morphing your face into something half-pout, half-duck face.

“We’re never gonna finish this if you keep making comments.”

“You started it,” you point out. “Go on, then.”

There’s some dialogue. Some prose that hits way too close to home, has you wondering who on earth wrote this and how they plucked every single thought from deep within your psyche. A pang of fear that maybe you haven’t been as subtle as you’d thought all these years. A moment to confirm to yourself that, no, you haven’t been harboring a secret, deeply-buried crush on Namjoon.

Then he reads—

And then he kisses her. It’s greedy and hot, his lips like a branding iron. She moans a little against her better judgment when he licks at the seam of her mouth, and in return, she can feel Namjoon’s lips curve into a smile against her own. It’s better than she’d been imagining it, really. He’s a good kisser—firm at the right times, soft when she needs it, careful but not cautious. He holds her jaw with one hand and keeps her right where he wants her beneath him (as if she’d want to move, anyway).  When their lips finally part, he rests his forehead on hers. It’s intimate in a way she hadn’t expected, and he looks at her as if she’s the answer to every question. Finally, he whispers, “What’re we doing, Piper?” His lips are still wet and pink and a little swollen from kissing, and she barely hears the question—she’s too busy thinking about kissing him again, about pulling his plump bottom lip between her teeth, teasing and…  “Kissing,” she says finally.  “What do you want?” he asks, sinking to his knees in front of her. And if that alone isn’t an answer to his question… “Whatever you’re willing to give,” she replies. It feels like she’s wanted this forever, this and so much more. Once she got the idea in her head, it’s hard to know if she ever felt differently, ever truly thought they could just be friends. Or, if in the back of her mind, in the dark corners that she never lets see daylight, she always knew she wanted Namjoon. Always knew she loved him.

—and everything goes right out the fucking window.

Namjoon sits with those words for a moment. Scans the paper in his hands and frowns a little when he confirms what you already know. “The rest is, uh. Porn.”

“That is why we’re here.”

“Last chance to back out.”

“I’m not scared,” you lie. “Are you? You’re the one who keeps stalling.”

He huffs. “You’re a pain in my ass,” he retorts, and then nothing is all that funny anymore.

Because Namjoon was right: the rest is straight-up porn. He’s barely able to read the part where he goes down on you with a straight face, turning a deep shade of crimson. Stutters through the part where you pull his hair, and that is not something you needed to know about your friend. You think he loses his grasp of language entirely when he reads, “When he slides a long finger into her and brushes past her most sensitive spot, she arches into him and lets his name fall from her lips in a soft cry. Piper, notorious skeptic, is a babbling, trembling mess as she gets closer to her orgasm,” because all the words are garbled together, producing nothing but gibberish. You think he’s ready to keel over and die when he reads, “Namjoon pulls away briefly, lips slick with her juices, and licks over his top one, pausing to tell her how good she tastes before he dives back in.”

“That was nice of them to include. I appreciate their attention to detail in regards to my personal hygiene.”

“This is so embarrassing,” he whines.

You roll your eyes good-naturedly. “Gimme. I’ll finish it.” He hands over the papers immediately.

Except you regret it immediately. The words you’re staring at are not words you ever thought you’d read or recite in your entire life. Not even for a million dollars. “Oh,” you say instead.

“See? Not as easy as it looks.”

“This is really embarrassing,” you confirm. “I might need another shot.”

“Y-yeah. Alcohol sounds good.”

Namjoon staggers forward obligingly, looks completely fucked out and pliant, willing to do whatever she asks. She remembers the sounds he made when she pulled his hair, wonders if he likes being bossed around, if he wants her to tell him what to do, to be a little mean to him. Maybe it’s different from her dreams, maybe he will beg her. She wants him so badly, she’d do anything for him. So, she pulls his briefs down to expose his absurdly large member, already mostly hard, and slaps it. Gently at first to see how he’ll react, and when he shudders and jerks his hips, she does it again, a little harder. “Look at you,” she whispers, “such a needy boy.”  He whimpers at that, eyes pleading. “Please, Piper…” he whines.   “Please what?” “Please let me fuck you,” he begs. She wants to, wants him so much, wants to feel him stretch her open, and from the looks of his cock, thick and long and drooling with precum, he could. “Should I?” she asks. She musters all her confidence to keep the condescending tone up. It feels wrong given how desperate she is to get him inside her, but it also seems to be getting him worked up and equally as desperate. “Do you even know what to do with that big, stupid cock?”  Namjoon’s cock twitches, and he begs, “I—I’ll fuck you so good, Piper…. I know how, I promise. Just… please?”

“Oh my god,” the two of you say in unison.

You so badly want to ask if this is biographical. How Namjoon feels about a little degradation; what he’d do if someone actually called his cock stupid. Ifsomeone has called his cock stupid. You dare a glance at him and conclude that someone’s had to. Namjoon just has that kind of energy.

But you can’t ask because it’d be weird, so you keep reading.

“How do you want me?” she asks softly when their lips part. There’s a wild look in his eyes, like he’s processing all the possible options out of everything he’s considered. And then it occurs to her. “Have you imagined this before? Thought about how you’d fuck me?” she teases him as she stands, stepping into him. Piper pushes one hand through his hair, brushing it back off of his forehead and wraps her other around his dick, squeezing a little for emphasis on her words. “Yes,” he groans as she strokes him, thumbing at the head of his cock. “Tell me what you want, then. Want me on all fours for you? Want me to show you how it’s done, to let you lay back and ride you so you don’t have to put in any work?” Namjoon’s breathing is getting heavy, pupils blown wider with each suggestion. 

“I told you!” you shriek, laughing in between the words. “I told you I’d…” And then your gloating tapers off, because what happens next has your brain malfunctioning.

“All of that,” he whines as she lets go of his hair and brings her hand down to run a fingertip over his perineum. “Want all of that. Want to bend you over the table and fuck you right here. Hear your sounds in the microphone.” Even in her dirtiest thoughts about him, she hadn’t considered the microphone, hadn’t considered recording it. When she thinks about it though, it makes sense. Namjoon is exactly the kind of person that would get off to someone’s voice. So, she does. She makes a show of turning around and slowly bending over the table, sliding her upper body across it carefully until she can reach her microphone and turn it on. When she says into it, “What’re you waiting for?” she sees over her shoulder the way that Namjoon shivers.

This is… not good. You’re never going to be able to look at a microphone the same way, which is extremely not good for a person who supplements their income with a very popular podcast that requires them to speak into a microphone for extended periods of time.

This is very, very bad.

Namjoon must be thinking the same, because he lets out a strangled a-haaa that’s less of a laugh and more a plea to God, the gods, the entire gamut of higher powers that might be able to save him. No one’s going to, you think, staring down at the paper again. This godless piece of fanfiction will be preserved on the internet forever, will be seared into your mind forever, and no amount of praying is going to erase it.

“I should, uh. Just read the rest, yeah? Get it over with?”

“Mhm. Yep. Yes, please.”

Don’t say please, you almost say. You can’t take it; not after what you’ve just read.

So you put on a show. Steel your expression and your nerves and take it seriously. Use voices and sound effects and desperately try to stave off the awkwardness you know is inevitable because a smut fic is probably only going to end one way, and that’s with you acting out Namjoon having an orgasm.

Maybe you’ll have another one, too, if the author is nice.

It’s sweet, she thinks, the way he’s easy for her, takes his time with her. Strokes his fingertips along her sides and kisses the back of her neck reverently. As much as she loves it, part of her hopes he’s not always like this—hopes he’ll give as good as he takes, hopes he’ll put her in her place. She can feel his cock hard against the cleft of her ass, not even inside her yet, and still, she thinks about next time and the time after that. “Still okay?” He breathes into her ear as his tip rubs against her cunt.  “Yeah—want you, Joon.”  “Never thought I’d hear you say those words.”  “I never thought you’d record them,” she teases, eyes glancing up to the flashing light showing the mic picking up all of this as he starts his slow slide into her.  Piper falls even further forward when he bottoms out, letting her forehead rest on the table. He’s whispering filth in her ear, about how he has something to prove, how she’ll never want anyone after this, how no one can fuck her the way he does.  She hates that he’s right.  Each stroke brings a new sensation: sparklers, butterflies, nerve endings on fire as he fucks into her and licks and sucks at her neck, her shoulders, her ear. Piper can’t even think, and this is what people mean when they talk about being fucked stupid, she decides.  It’s perfect.  Every time she thinks she’s getting close again, he changes something: fucks her a little shallower, moves his hips just a little, slows down, speeds up… It’s driving her crazy.  “Come on,” she whines. “I’m so close…” At least she can tell he is, too. No longer able to sustain the dirty talk, he’s breathing heavily, letting out broken moans and sighs of her name. He’s moving rhythmically now, thrusts consistently faster.  “Oh, fuck, Piper,” he groans, “Gonna cum.” One of his hands finds her clit and he rubs careful circles over her, bringing her to her peak along with him, no more teasing.  When she comes, it’s with a loud moan into the studio mic, and that seems to be what tips Namjoon over the edge, too. His hips stutter into hers as he comes, her cunt clenching around him for what feels like forever.

You deserve an award, you think. An Oscar. You didn’t even groan when you had to read the word “cunt,” and that’s a feat in and of itself.

“Is it over?” Namjoon asks, words muffled by the hands covering his face.

“Not quite,” you answer. “There’s some aftercare, and at the end you ask if I’ll piss on you.”

Namjoon gags. “I asked you what—”

“Today’s episode has been brought to you by Stamps-dot-com—”

HOLY SHIT THE NEW PATREON EPISODE???????? Posted by u/pod-shipper 4 minutes ago NO WAY. NOOOOOOO FUCKING WAY DUDE THERE’S NO FUCKING WAY THEY DID THIS AS AN ACTUAL EPISODE WHAT THE FUCK WHAT HTE FUCK WHAT EHTU FKF DFGLKDG;L (+705) I wasn’t sure if they were messing around before, and I was quite critical of the “shippers,” but now I’m pretty convinced. (+423) ↳ we’ve been telling y’all for YEARS 😤 (+197) ↳ Glad you’ve seen the light, u/RandomAcorn2058! (+5) ↳ ugh. they weren’t messing around before and they aren’t messing around now. do you guys not listen to what they say? namjoon’s been dating, and piper got out of a six-year relationship just over a year ago. if they’ve had something going on for “years” that means they’re both cheaters, and that’s a really shitty thing to assume about them. not to mention it makes the entire point of the podcast moot. (-63) Why do you guys think Jungkook “wasn’t allowed” to be there? (+314) ↳ So they could fuck lmao it’s so obvious (+329) ↳ because it’s awkward af? would you wanna read porn about yourself w all your coworkers in the room? (+2) ↳ the “it’s awkward” excuse is sooooo lame he’s the one who found it and is the one who edited the episode, he’s gonna see it regardless. (+15) ↳ Tbh I’m more curious about how he even found it to begin with? Do they have a throuple thing going on? Like, why was he looking for smut fic about his bosses? (+38)

You do not get through recording unscathed.

You are very scathed. Perhaps the most scathed a person has ever been.

Jungkook texts the group chat sporadically throughout the week, cracking jokes and making memes at your and Namjoon’s expense which is par for the course and shouldn’t have you off-kilter, but something inside you feels deeply wrong. Feels like someone’s given you devastating news; feels like it used to back in uni when you knew you’d failed an exam and were just waiting to see how badly.

It both helps and doesn’t that the internet is so invested. All the clips Jungkook keeps posting have re-doubled your Patreon numbers, and jumping up a tax bracket never hurt anyone, you included. But all of those jokes and memes largely went unanswered by both you and Namjoon, still too close to the incident to find the humor in it from the other side.

The two of you had sex.

Not literally, of course, but you figure you might as well have with the way you’re feeling. The way you’re avoiding one another. Someone wrote a story about the two of you having sex and you both read it and something about that, days later, feels really fucking unsettling.

In a bad way? You aren’t sure. It’s not like you’re mad or upset or any other synonym. You just feel… off. Itchy from the inside out, and that’s far from the norm in your and Namjoon’s friendship. In all the years you’ve known one another, you’ve never once avoided each other, including the time you’d set him up with a close friend and he showed up 45 minutes late to their date and ghosted after.

(Unsurprisingly, that friendship had not lasted.)

Maybe it’s because Yoongi had always been there as a buffer. You aren’t of the belief that men and women cannot be platonic friends, but being in a years-long committed relationship nixed a lot of awkward interactions and assumptions off the bat. Even Namjoon had known Yoongi first. Had introduced himself to you in your shared 100-level psych course with a, “Hey, you’re Min Yoongi’s girlfriend, right?” because they ran in the same underground circles and Namjoon had idolized him from afar for years.

Pretty fucked up, then, that Yoongi’s off in Los Angeles with his hot new boyfriend and you’re on your couch, Holly at your feet, pointedly ignoring your texts.

“I’m gonna get a cat,” you say to the dog, trying to redirect his attention when he starts chewing on your sock again. Holly doesn’t offer any input, of course, and he’s a lot like his father in that way. “I can’t believe you have a stepfather. You’re a proper child of divorce now, Min Holly.”

There are a pile of unread texts you continue to ignore in lieu of showing Holly pictures of adoptable cats. A few more memes from Jungkook, one from Namjoon’s new phone asking to move the recording date a few days because “something came up at work,” one from the food delivery service you admittedly use too much offering 10% off your next order, and two from Yoongi. This reminded me of you, the first one says beneath a picture of an ice cream cone on the ground, and another one of him holding a water gun that says send me a picture of my son or else.

You eventually reply back with a picture of your middle finger, Holly nothing but a blurred brown blob in the corner of the frame.

That’s how it goes for the better part of a week. Namjoon’s work issue lasts four days. He doesn’t offer an explanation and you don’t ask for one, you just wait for the all-clear text and try to quiet the nerves once you get it.

You’ve never been nervous to see Namjoon before.

The more popular the podcast became, the more money rolled in. The more money that rolled in, the more you could afford nicer things. That meant going from recording in Namjoon’s living room to a bona fide office space. Third floor, an expanse of windows and natural light, thirty-five minute commute by train.

Today, it feels more like thirty-five seconds.

You can hear Jungkook’s witch cackle from the stairwell, and your mind fills in the blanks of Namjoon’s exasperated sigh. It helps, your brain reminding you that you know these people. You know this is Jungkook’s late gym day, so he’ll be in a pair of sweats and a hoodie that drowns his frame. You know that when Namjoon has work issues and feels like an inconvenience, he always shows up with two boxes of baked goods from the bakery near his place, and you know both of them will save the best donut for you.

So you walk in and Jungkook’s in a hoodie and sweats just like you expect him to be, and there are two boxes of baked goods next to the coffee machine. Both of them say hello and wave and, for all intents and purposes, everything is normal.

Except it isn’t.

Because Namjoon looks… different.

Not in a bad way. Not in a bad way. He almost always dresses nicely, always looks polished and put-together, usually because he’s either going to or coming from campus—fitted shirts, either of the tee or dress variety, and earth-toned cardigans; tailored trousers that are sometimes corduroy; polished loafers. Sometimes, if he’s feeling extra casual, a stark white pair of tennis shoes.

Today, he wears none of those things.

No, today torture comes in the form of form-fitting jeans and a t-shirt a little oversized so he can roll the sleeves. His hair is brushed back off his face instead of parted down the middle. He’s wearing gold jewelry that glints in the sun. A pair of off-white Converse high-tops. And, much to your horror, he’s also wearing his glasses.

According to the internet, Kim Namjoon is peak husband material, which you can usually ignore, but not when he’s wearing glasses.

You avert your gaze, convinced you’ll burst into flames if you stare too long, not to mention Jungkook will notice and that’s a ribbing you’d rather die than take. So you avert your gaze and pointedly ignore Namjoon, who’s talking about his work crisis to no one in particular. Something about a co-worker going on an unexpectedly early paternity leave, and Namjoon being asked to cover some of his courses until they could find a more permanent fix.

Jungkook asks a question you don’t catch. Because paternity leave means his co-worker and his partner had a baby, presumably via old-fashioned methods, and it’s not a direct mention of sex but it’s close enough to send you into a coughing fit you have to blame on your donut. Neither of them buy it, but Namjoon is a good enough person to look genuinely concerned. Reaches out, probably to slap your back, but the thought of him touching you is just… too much.

So he barely gets out an, “Are you o—” before you choke down whatever’s left in your mouth and cut him off with a, “Yep, all good!” before you’re scurrying off to the opposite side of the room like a little rat.

It doesn’t get any better.

Both of you are so stilted and awkward during recording that Jungkook has to be the voice of reason and call it, suggest trying again tomorrow. Luckily he has enough b-side stuff he can release if need be, Namjoon’s work emergency providing a decent cover, and he sends the two of you home for the afternoon with all the exasperation and incredulity of a disappointed parent.

Thirty-five minutes back home.

Thirty-five minutes to sit in the embarrassment of not being able to do your job. Thirty-five minutes to catastrophize and wonder what you’re going to do if you can’t get it together. Namjoon will keep the podcast, of course; you’ll be replaced with someone else. Maybe someone less cynical, maybe someone more, but undoubtedly a man. After this mess, you can’t imagine Namjoon would want another female co-host.

But as embarrassed as you are, your traitorous brain keeps thinking about Namjoon.

Thirty-five minutes to think about his glasses and his rolled-up sleeves and the way the denim of his jeans contoured perfectly to his thighs. Thirty-five minutes to think about, “Please let me fuck you,” he begs. Thirty-five minutes to squeeze your thighs together and overanalyze the way he stumbled over his words today; how he could barely make eye contact. Thirty-five minutes to draft a dozen resignation texts and delete them all.

You groan, head thunking against the train window. You’ll take a cold shower as soon as you get home.

That’ll cure you.

You get home and walk Holly so long he gives up halfway through and you have to carry him back to your apartment. You take a cold shower and actually find it pleasant once the initial shock wears off, so it doesn’t work to keep all your rogue Namjoon thoughts at bay. You make a simple dinner and don’t think about Namjoon sitting you on the counter and having his way with you. You tuck yourself into bed far too early and consider going back to therapy, because clearly something very, very bad has happened to your psyche.

Needless to say, nothing cures you.

But it’s a new day, and you’re determined to get your shit together. Yesterday was a fluke, because you’re so normal and so capable of being in the same room as Kim Namjoon.

Except—you’re not.

Jungkook’s there when you arrive, mindlessly scrolling through his phone. Barely looks up at you to say hello, and barely returns it when you do. You double-check the time, because you can count on two fingers the amount of times you’ve shown up and Namjoon wasn’t already there, jotting down extensively-detailed notes, circling and highlighting and chasing down Jungkook to ask questions.

“Where’s Namjoon?”

Jungkook shrugs. “Dunno. Not here.”

You roll your eyes. “Super helpful, thanks.”

Jungkook rolls his eyes right back. “You don’t pay me enough to also be his handler.”

You bite your tongue. Arguing with Jungkook means you’ve already lost the war. Not worth it. But it still eases your worries a bit that he doesn’t know any more than you do. That Namjoon hadn’t only texted him to say why he was running late because he didn’t want to—or couldn’t—talk to you.

So you wait. And you wait and you wait and you wait. Jungkook lets you talk to people on his dating apps and tells you about his new gym routine until your eyes are glazing over. Orders food delivery for the two of you because he gets hungry after an hour and had already eaten what was left of the snacks before you arrived. Cracks a joke that isn’t really a joke about calling the police, because Namjoon still hasn’t shown up and he hasn’t said anything and none of your texts are showing as delivered.

You’re halfway to hour two when the office door bursts open and Namjoon stumbles through, soaked with sweat and stammering over apologies.

“I am so sor—I broke my phone again so my alarm never went off and then I missed my bus? And apparently they’re not running the regular bus schedule today so the next one was a half-hour wait, but then I…”

You don’t catch the rest, because Namjoon is covered in sweat and breathing heavily and a week ago you could’ve survived this. A week ago you would’ve cracked a joke and handed him a towel and told him to get to work. A week ago you would not have been paralyzed in your seat, transfixed on the sweat rolling down the side of his neck.

You are fucked beyond belief.

Jungkook elbows you in the ribs, bringing you back to reality. “...even paying attention?” You startle, face warming in embarrassment. Namjoon still isn’t looking at you. “This is so sad to watch,” Jungkook mumbles, and thankfully it’s only loud enough for you to hear. “Like some stupid shit you only see in nature documentaries.”

Well, you can’t really argue with that, now can you?

But you’re a professional above all, so you hum an acknowledgment and take your regular seat. Pointedly ignore Jungkook. Wait for Namjoon to assume his position as well, and you’re surprised to see the space in front of him empty. No notes. No script. There’s just… nothing.

“Are you okay?” you ask, gesturing to the space in front of him when he seems confused. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without a stack of notes in front of you.”

“I forgot them.”

“Don’t think I’ve ever seen you do that, either.”

Your tone is light and airy, not at all accusing or confrontational, but Namjoon’s jaw clenches nonetheless. He scoffs, fires a shitty little, “Were you not paying attention when I was talking about what a horrible fucking morning I’ve had?” at you that makes even Jungkook flinch. A few moments of stunned silence, and then, “Oh fuck, I’m so sorry, that was rude—”

“Yeah, it was,” you agree, and all of a sudden you feel too big for your body. Feel like there are ants beneath your skin, feel like everything is wrong, and you don’t want to be here anymore. “It’s fine. Let’s just—”

Namjoon looks like he wants to argue, but he just sighs and says, “I—yeah, okay.”

This is where Namjoon would usually launch into the intro, a dimpled smile already plastered on his face that’d drop as he discussed another failed first date with that brand of self-deprecation that makes him so endearing. This is where he’d say what have you been up to, Pipe, and you’d try not to groan because how hard could it possibly be to add one more letter, another syllable, but Namjoon seems incapable of it. This is the part that, for three years, has been seamless and easy and instinctual, just two friends having a conversation.

There’s a red light on your microphones that indicates you’re recording. It’s on and it mocks you, because Namjoon is not doing the intro or telling you about a failed date. He doesn’t use that cringey nickname. He doesn’t say anything at all. His mouth opens and shuts and no words come out. What’s worse is that you know exactly why he can’t speak, because you’re thinking about it, too.

“So, uh,” you begin, and Jungkook makes a gagging sound from behind you. “Come here often?”

Namjoon ignores you. “Right, right, the intro…” He sucks in a breath. “Welcome back to another episode of Put Him in the Trash, I’m—”

“Joon—”

“Namjoon, and my co-host here is—”

“Joon, that’s not—”

“Piper. Wait, why are you looking at me like that?”

“That’s not the name of our podcast.”

“Huh?”

“You said Put Him in the Trash.” Namjoon just blinks. “It’s Place Him Gently in the Garbage.”

“Is it? Since when?”

“Since forever?”

He looks at Jungkook, who is hiding behind his hands. “Is she right?”

A beat of silence. “I can’t do this,” he half-shouts, half-whines. “Are you two going to be like this forever? Because if you are, I’m quitting. I’m so serious. I’m gonna quit. I can’t take it anymore. The two of you are insufferable.” Another beat of silence, before Jungkook stands at full height and lords over you and Namjoon. “Forget today. Just go home and try again on Monday. This is so—I’m seriously gonna quit.”

Yoongi comes on Saturday afternoon to pick up Holly.

Yijeong isn’t with him, which is almost disappointing. Now that he’s dating again, you were looking forward to seeing just how awkward it could get with the three of you in the same room, but he looks good. Refreshed. The trip clearly did a world of good for him, and you can’t even bring yourself to crack a joke at his expense.

He, however, has no such hang-ups. “You look like shit.”

“Weird way to say thank you.” You click your tongue and look down at Holly. “Do you see how your father treats me? You should bite him.”

“My son would never. But also, thank you.” He flops onto the sofa. “You do look like shit, though. You wanna talk about it?”

“Not with you, preferably.”

“Oh, gross, is it a dating thing, then?”

“I—no.” You pause. It’s not a dating thing, but you still feel like you’ve got motion sickness whenever you think about it. How would you even begin to explain this to Yoongi, anyway? Someone wrote a porn fic about me and Namjoon. You remember Namjoon, right? Namjoon, that I’ve known and have been friends with since college. Yeah, that Namjoon. Anyway, someone wrote fanfiction about us having sex, and it fucked me up so bad I can no longer be in the same room as him.

No fucking way.

“You look like you’re holding in a fart.”

“You know, I’m getting really sick of you. Did you just come here to insult me?”

He snorts, but his smirk dissipates a few seconds later, a familiar seriousness filling the void. “We’re okay, right? Was the Yijeong thing too soon?”

“No,” you answer immediately, leaning over to flick him on the forehead. “We’re fine, and if you’re happy, then I’m happy for you.” He still looks doubtful. “You want me to start singing ‘I Will Always Love You’ or something? It’s just… weird work stuff.”

“Depends. Are you singing the Dolly Parton or Whitney version? And real work or podcast work?”

“Podcast work, and obviously the Whitney version.”

Yoongi seems surprised by this, eyebrows disappearing beneath his fringe. “Like, the podcast with Namjoon?” He presses his tongue into the fat of his cheek when you nod your head. “Not gonna lie, I didn’t think that was possible.”

“Like I said, it’s weird. It wasn’t, like, an argument or anything.”

“How weird?”

“You’re so fake, Min Yoongi. You act like you’re so distinguished and above drama, but really you’re just as hungry for gossip as the rest of us.”

He shrugs. “I’m not denying it.”

God help you, you’re going to rip off the band-aid. “Someone… Jesus, this is so embarrassing. Someone… wrote? Fanfiction? About us.”

“About you and Namjoon?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh my god—”

“About us… uh. Having sex? Specifically.”

“Oh my god—”

“Jungkook found it and thought it’d be funny if we read it for an episode.”

“Oh my god?”

“So we did? And it was really weird, which I expected, because I’ve known Namjoon for a long time, and I never, ever thought about having sex with him because we were together and me and Namjoon are friends, so yeah, it was fucking weird. But now… I don’t know. I can’t stop thinking about it? And now we can’t even be in the same room as one another.” Yoongi is a concerning shade of red. “So our show is gonna get canceled, because we can only release b-side stuff for so long until people realize something’s up, and it was Namjoon’s podcast to begin with so obviously I’ll get fired—”

“Oh my god, you want to fuck Namjoon.”

Yoongi sounds like a strangled cat when he says this, which does not help the way you feel like you’ve been hit square in the face with a frying pan. “No,” you argue, though it sounds more like a question. You do not want to fuck Namjoon. “No, no. No. It’s just because it was weird.”

“Did you forget I dated you for six years? I know what you look like when you want to fuck someone.”

“You’re telling me you wouldn’t be weird if someone wrote fanfiction about you fucking your friend?”

“Not if I didn’t actually want to fuck them, no.”

“You’re a liar. Get your dog and get out of my apartment.”

Yoongi laughs as he stands. Pats you on the back in the most condescending way you’ve ever had someone pat you on the back. “Let me know how it goes. No need to give me credit for your moment of horny clarity.”

Min Yoongi is a bastard.

Unfortunately, as you come to find out, he’s also a correct bastard.

You want to fuck Namjoon.

Which is… not great, you have to admit, considering he can barely stand to be around you, so you take another cold shower and decide you’re going to take this to your grave. You’re going to spend the rest of the weekend getting your shit together, and you’re going to show up on Monday and be a consummate professional. You’re going to look at Namjoon and say, ha ha, isn’t it so funny someone thought we would have sex? I don’t think about it at all because I am so cool and normal about it.

You’ve got it all planned out. You’re going to show up fifteen minutes early with your own box of pastries. You’re going to look nice, if not a little pretentious—maybe a nice sweater. You’re going to be prepared with notes of your own. You might even be nice to the villain of the week so Namjoon doesn’t have to pinch the bridge of his nose and sigh at you.

And then someone knocks on your door.

You find Namjoon on the other side, and all your plans immediately go to shit.

Has he always been this tall? You can’t remember. You can’t remember a lot of things, including how to speak, because Yoongi had launched you into a crisis of epic proportions and now here’s the source of it, standing right in front of you. With all of his… height. And thighs. And that heady, musky cologne he always wears, that you can still smell now even though there’s an unfortunate amount of distance between you.

“Uh, hi.”

You blink. “Hi,” you parrot, and it’s a little insulting how one single word seems to have sucked up all of your brainpower. “Namjoon,” you tack on, not awkward at all.

“Sorry to just show up,” he says, scratching at the back of his neck. Very bad idea; makes his biceps bulge. You barely swallow your whimper. “It’s just—my phone’s still broken, and it felt bad leaving things how we did? So I was hoping we could talk.”

Talk. Namjoon wants to talk to you. Normally: not a problem. Currently: big problem. You manage a nod, open the door wider to let him in, and you don’t think about how jarring it is to have Namjoon in your space. You don’t think about how your legs feel like jelly all of a sudden, or what it’d be like if Namjoon bent you over the couch, or the kitchen counter, or the—

You cough. “Do you want anything to drink?”

“Oh, sure. Maybe just some water if you have it.”

If you have it. What kind of person doesn’t have water? But you tell him to make himself comfortable and get him some anyway, and you mull too long over the size of the glass. Ultimately decide on a smaller one, because if things get unbearably awkward you can excuse yourself to the kitchen to get more.

“I haven’t been here in a while,” Namjoon says from the living room, and when you look up he’s sorting through a stack of books near the window. Some he’d lent you months ago, notes jotted in the corners, sticky notes in the shape of sea animals on important pages. “You ever wind up reading this?”

The Idiot. Namjoon had raved about it when he was in the midst of his 19th century Russian phase, right after he’d read a bunch of Tolstoy and Pushkin. You shake your head—though, judging from the title, you wonder if someone hadn’t written your biography.

“It’s good. If you have the time, you should definitely give it a shot.”

“Yeah, of course,” you say, handing over his water. You take a seat in an armchair, pull your knees to your chest. Namjoon’s still looking through your books, isn’t looking at you, so it feels safe to say, “You wanted to talk?”

“Yeah.” He moves to sit on the floor, massive thighs spreading until he’s comfortable. Thank god he can’t see the look on your face. “I just wanted to make sure we’re alright. Things have felt pretty weird since we filmed the, uh.” He coughs. “Thing.”

“Right, yeah.” You realize he’s waiting for an answer, and you offer up a very rushed, “We’re fine, Joon.”

“Are you sure?”

Yeah, you’re sure: sure you absolutely cannot be having this conversation in the safety and sanctity of your own home. It’s tainted now, contaminated by all your uncontrolled horny thoughts about the man in front of you. You’ll have to fumigate. Might have to pick up and move, actually, or call an exorcist.

“I’m sure,” you assure him. “The… thing… was weird, but it’s fine. Temporary.”

“Do you think we shouldn’t have done it?”

That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? Because, in isolation, reading a porn fic about yourselves wasn’t a big deal. No one got hurt. Everyone who needed to be consulted was consulted. The episode made the two of you a lot of money, and Jungkook even promised to send some of it to the author, so your bases are beyond covered.

So, should you have done it? There wasn’t a good enough reason not to, because the story itself was never the problem.

The problem is staring you right in the face. It’s sitting on your floor, a book cracked in half at the spine and forgotten in his lap. The problem is looking at you like you hold all the answers to the universe’s secrets, and it’s no small thing to be looked at like that. The problem is that Namjoon is looking at you like that from across the room but you’re wondering what it’d look like from on top of you.

The problem is that you’ve co-hosted a podcast with Namjoon for three years, have known him even longer, and you’ve just realized today that you want to have sex with him.

And you can’t say that, can you, because Namjoon came here to fix things which really does not lend itself to a hookup. Namjoon cares about your friendship and your working relationship so much he came here to try and salvage it, so you’re going to keep your mouth shut. You’re going to say, “I think it’s okay that we did,” and leave it at that. Because it is okay.

Because you’re the problem.

It feels like a small victory when Namjoon sags in relief. When he exhales and says, “Okay, good, because I think so, too.”

“It made us a lot of money,” you tack on.

Namjoon’s eyes widen as he laughs. “Right? Like, that was almost too much money. Just to watch us read porn?”

“About ourselves. I think that was the selling point.”

He stands. You do, too. “Never thought I’d be doing that,” he says, returning the book to where it belongs. “Definitely the most embarrassing thing I’ve done for money.”

“Being a man with a podcast wasn’t embarrassing enough?”

He snorts. Gets closer to the door. “Hey now.” You’re going to survive this. “Thanks for entertaining me, by the way. For a second there I was really worried we’d fucked it all up.”

Just the ending. Just one more thing to say and you’ll be done with this, and then you can take your third cold shower in recent memory and triple text Yoongi with a full-fledged mental breakdown. Maybe he’ll bring Holly back and you can register him as your emotional support animal.

And Namjoon must sense the awkwardness that’s crept back in, because he tries to cover it with a joke. Says, “Haaa, like you’d actually piss on me, right?”

Except it sounds like he’s got a mouth full of marbles.

It’s no wonder you mishear him.

Because he says like you’d actually piss on me but you hear like you’d actually kiss me, and there isn’t a universe that exists in which the following makes sense: you, stunned into silence in the doorframe, Namjoon saying his goodbyes, you thinking fuck it, last chance and saying, “Yeah, I’d kiss you.”

Namjoon stops dead in his tracks. “What?”

Your entire body is on fire. “Is, uh. Is that not what you said?”

“I don’t think it matters anymore what I said.”

“I’d argue that it does, for the sake of my digni—”

“You’d kiss me?” Namjoon… doesn’t look put off of the idea, which is surely a point in your favor. Interesting to note that his diction is crystal clear, now. Bastard. “You’d kiss me right now?”

There’s also no explanation for the way you say: “It’s only been an option for ten seconds and you’re already begging for it?”

You’d say there’s no explanation for the way Namjoon’s jaw clenches, the way he repeats I don’t beg for anything, but maybe the simple fact is: the two of you want to fuck each other. And, judging from the way Namjoon crowds your space, keeps dropping his gaze to your mouth, it seems very likely to happen.

All that fixating you’d done on Namjoon’s thighs was wasted, you think, as you take in the shape of his mouth. His lips. The way his tongue darts out to run along the bottom at the last second before he reaches out, tilts your head up, and finally presses his mouth to yours.

And you’ve got to laugh, because no piece of written fiction could ever accurately portray what it feels like. How soft his lips are. The way he touches you—gentle, but still dominant enough to have you moving the way he wants, have you backing up into your apartment so he can smile against your mouth as he closes the door behind him.

No piece of fiction would get it right, the way you’re unsteady on your feet, breathless at the way Namjoon’s kissing you. How he only breaks apart long enough to ask where do you want me in that throaty, deep voice of his. How you’re so overwhelmed you can’t decide: unsure if you want to waste the time it’d take to get to your bedroom, but if it’s only going to happen once, wanting to make it count.

So you decide to risk it. Plant your hands in the middle of his exceptionally broad chest and push him in the direction of the hallway, and if the two of you can’t wait, can’t control yourselves, well.

But the story had gotten one thing right: Namjoon does kiss like a branding iron, hot and greedy. Namjoon kisses you like there’s nothing else he wants to do in this lifetime, and it makes you dizzy. Has you off-kilter, stumbling into the wall as you try to remember where the fuck your bedroom is and why it’s so far. Just like the fictional version of you, you also moan when he licks into your mouth.

“Should I do it the way we did in the fic?” Namjoon asks as the two of you cross the threshold into your bedroom, a cheeky grin on his face. “Do it like this?” he questions, pushing you gently until you’re on the back in the middle of your bed, chest heaving as you lift your head to look at him.

Namjoon is so, so big from where you lay, just hovering at the foot of your bed. Cheeks ruddy, bulge prominent. “What’d you say you wanted?”

Takes a second to remember how to breathe, let alone what you’d read. What do you want, Namjoon had asked, right before he’d sank to his knees in front of you. “Whatever you’re willing to give,” you answer.

Namjoon smiles. Puts one knee on the bed, and the way it dips beneath his weight is unsettling. Why does he have to be so fucking large. “That’s right, baby.” Christ, you think, because there’s another thing that fic had gotten right. No one on earth would be immune to Namjoon calling them baby in that tone of voice.

The riposte biting at the back of your teeth gets swallowed whole as Namjoon grabs your ankles and drags you to the edge of the bed. “May I?” he asks, hands poised above the waistline of your leggings. You nod, and Namjoon drags down your underwear with them. “Fuck, look at you,” he groans, awe creeping into the edge of his words.

“You want me to do it the same way? Hm? You’re being awfully quiet; thought you were giving me shit about being the one in charge,” he chides.

Because you’re short-circuiting. Namjoon’s on his knees, just like you’d envisioned, and his mouth is dangerously close to your cunt. How can you be expected to think and speak under these conditions? But if Namjoon can find the brainpower to be a bastard, so can you, because what you’d read and the way he’d reacted can both never be forgotten. So you thread your hands into his hair and pull. The resulting moan is enough to sustain you for years.

“Are you gonna keep running your mouth, or are you gonna make me come on it?”

He blinks. “Jesus Christ.”

There’s precedent. Fictional Namjoon ate you out like a man starved, like he couldn’t get enough. Had fictional you writhing and insatiable, so it’s a lot to live up to, but it doesn’t deter him in the slightest. He hesitates for only a second, giving you one last chance to back out before the two of you set every last boundary on fire, and then he’s settling between your thighs and making you see stars.

Now you know what it’s like. Now you don’t have to rely on fiction, and it doesn’t matter because it’d never compare to the way Namjoon feels as he works to bring you to your ruin. The way he flattens his tongue to lick long, thick stripes; the way his lips suction around your clit. The way it feels when he groans against your core. The way he says, “Fuck, you do taste good,” like that’s a completely normal thing to say. Like he doesn’t know exactly what he’s doing to you.

But you need more and Namjoon knows it. His mouth doesn’t leave your cunt for a second, but his fingers find your mouth, so you put on a show. Wrap your lips around them, suck on them the way he’s doing to you, make sure they’re slick. Namjoon groans again, doubles his efforts. Slides one thick finger inside of you and barely lets you adjust before he’s adding a second.

In an embarrassingly short amount of time, Namjoon has you unraveling. Presses incessantly on a spot that has your vision whiting out. Has you trembling, a little panicked as you say, “Joon, fuck—Namjoon, wait—” as it builds and builds and builds.

You might black out for a second, because you come to and Namjoon looks… stunned. He looks like he can’t believe any of what just happened, and you blink a few times, try to come back into your body, and when you regain enough consciousness, you’re extremely aware of the large wet patch beneath you.

“Um—”

“Holy shit.”

“Namjoon, that’s not—that’s embarrassing—can you grab a—”

He shuts you up with a kiss. Presses the taste of you into your skin, and all those silly protests die in your throat, because if Namjoon was needy before, he’s desperate now. Covers your body with his own, hips dipping down low enough to press his erection into the juncture of your thigh, and the weight of him is delicious. Has you fisting the fabric of his t-shirt to pull him closer, has you pulling it over his head, his pants following. Has your hands skimming down every thick part of his body until you reach his cock, hard and aching and slick with pre-cum.

“I need to suck you off later,” you say, done with overthinking. Time to just be honest, and Kim Namjoon has a dick you need to feel down your throat. “Remind me.”

He whines, thrusts into your hand a little harder. “How could I forget that?”

“Don’t know. Didn’t know if this would be the only time,” you answer. “Did you bring a condom?” Namjoon nods, fetches one from his wallet and rolls it on.

He hovers above you again. Looks nervous, all of a sudden, like he can’t tell his lefts from his rights. All out of sorts. You’re about to tell him it’s fine, you don’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to, don’t have to do anything at all, when he says, “It doesn’t have to be.” You just stare. “The only time.”

There’s a conversation to be had. You know that. Both of you clearly have feelings you need to talk about and sort out, but you reckon they can wait. They’ll still be there in the afterglow, in the morning. So you nod, say okay, Joon, and kiss away the insecurities that still linger.

You think about the fic. Think maybe Namjoon would appreciate it if you cracked a stupid joke, just like he’d tried to do earlier. “Has anyone ever called your cock stupid?”

He laughs, breath fanning against your skin. “No. Wanna try it and see what happens?”

Might as well. You try to remember the exaggerated tone of voice you’d used. Repeat the line—“Do you even know what to do with that big, stupid cock?”—and wait.

There’s a beat of silence, and then—

Namjoon swallows thickly. “I, um. Unfortunately, I think that really works for me.” You laugh. Pull him closer. Wrap your legs around his waist as he starts to move against you. Has jokes of his own. “Please. Please let me fuck you.”

You roll your eyes, laugh tapering into a giggle. “Do you know how?” Namjoon nods, looking all too much like a puppy eager to please its owner. “Do you promise?” He nods again. “Okay. Okay, come here.”

You expect him to move fast; expect the first time to be frenzied and a little awkward. It isn’t. Namjoon lines himself up and pushes the smallest bit inside, and then he’s leaning down to kiss you. Threads your fingers together, squeezes your hand. Pushes further inside and mumbles praise just beneath your ear.

It’s dizzying, the amount of care Namjoon handles you with. How soft he is. Does nothing to ease the discomfort of the stretch, the overwhelming fullness, but he talks you through it. Tells you how good you feel, how beautiful you look. Spills a lot of words you’d probably be embarrassed to hear and he’d be embarrassed to say if this was any other time, but in the heat of the moment it all just works to unravel you faster.

He bottoms out. “Okay?” he asks, and you’re rewarded with a dimpled smile when you say you are. Namjoon is a devastating kind of beautiful.

But, as he gives you time to adjust and you give him the all-clear, he also fucks like a demon. What once was hand-holding is now your wrists pinned to the bed, your body caged beneath him as he rolls his hips at a pace that has your eyes rolling back into your head. You’ve been deceived. Lured into a false sense of security.

It’s almost a shame this isn’t being recorded, because you want to memorize all the sounds Namjoon’s making. Want to hear them for the rest of your life. Don’t want anyone else to be the reason he sounds like this, and as he ups his pace and presses his lips to your neck, you don’t want to sound like this because of anyone else, either.

Maybe one of those times in the future, you can talk him into it.

Namjoon reaches down, rubs circles into your clit. Every time you think you might be close, he pulls his hand away, smiles like the devil. You let him have his fun for a while, let him think you’re keen to lie back and take it, and then you tighten your legs around his waist and flip him onto his back.

He doesn’t think it’s very funny. Looks up at you all bewildered. “What’re you—”

“You were taking too long,” you snark. “Figured I’d take matters into my own hands.”

“Yeah? Shit,” he says as you begin to move. “Fuck, baby, like that. Ride me just like that.”

You do. Don’t change a thing, because Namjoon’s cock is long and thick enough to hit exactly where you need it to. You can feel yourself clenching, feel yourself getting wetter, and the sight of Namjoon beneath you does nothing to stave off the inevitable. He looks even better than you’d imagined: skin flushed, eyes squeezed shut, head thrown back, sweat-slick. You want to make him cry. Want to give him the entire world. You will.

Namjoon thrusts at the same time you roll your hips, and that’s what does it. Has you crying out, has stars flashing behind your eyelids. Has you saying fuck, fuck, fuck as he drives you over the edge for the second time. Has you on the brink of oversensitive as he thrusts a few more times to chase his own end, almost delirious at the way Namjoon moans as he spills into the condom.

Has you swooning, just a bit, at the dopey way Namjoon smiles at you, eyes half-lidded and crinkled at the corners.

“Was that okay?”

You snort. “Yeah, I’d say it was decent.”

“Maybe next time you could pee on me,” he jokes.

You whack him on the chest. “Sure. Or we could record it.”

Has you a little shocked at the way his cock twitches inside of you at the mention of it.

On Monday, you don’t wear a pretentious sweater.

When you stroll in, Jungkook’s already got the best donut shoved halfway into his mouth because he’s a shithead. He eyes you warily, probably hoping with all his hope that you spent the weekend finding God and getting your shit together.

And then he realizes you’ve got on Namjoon’s hoodie and he nearly chokes to death.

“What the fuck are you wearing—”

Namjoon appears at that very moment, and it’s so hard not to take credit for the way he’s glowing, the dazed smile on his face. But Jungkook notices, because Jungkook notices everything, and his gaze darts between the two of you: your hoodie, Namjoon’s face, your face. He opens his mouth, something inappropriate bound to spill out, but Namjoon beats him to the punch. “Ready?” he asks you, and you nod.

It’s seamless.

No hiccups, no awkward stuttering. Namjoon gets through the intro without a hitch, and it feels exactly like it used to. Just two friends having a conversation. It’s obvious Jungkook still wants to say something, but after suffering through last week, he stays quiet lest he makes it worse and sends the two of you back to the bad place.

“How was your weekend, Pipe? Do anything fun?” Namjoon rolls his lips, tries not to laugh.

So you play along. “No, not really, just some dog sitting. How about you?”

“Oh, you know me. Had another first date on Saturday.”

“Did you? How’d it go?”

“Perfect.”

It’s a blessing Jungkook isn’t filming this, because your eyebrows raise so far they nearly disappear from your face altogether. There isn’t even a hint of hesitation in Namjoon’s voice, and although you would’ve described it the same way, hearing him say it with such conviction has you a little stunned. “Wow. You gonna see her again?”

“Yeah,” Namjoon says, sharing a private smile with you. “I think I am.”

who the FUCK is namjoon dating Posted by u/pod-shipper 7 minutes ago This has honestly ruined my entire day. I thought all the stories he told about dating were a bit… Like, what kind of guy has a podcast about relationships but can’t seem to be in one? But you could just HEAR it in his voice how much he likes this woman he went on a date with over the weekend and I’m sick to my stomach. (+2195) ↳ bro you and me both 😭 i genuinely thought him and piper had something going on fr (+1302) ↳ Seriously might stop listening because of this! Any woman with self-respect would never let their partner host a podcast with someone they’re obviously in love with. If he gets serious with this woman, Piper will be gone within 6 months, mark my words. (+927) ↳ I wouldn’t worry about it too much! My cousin works at a really nice restaurant in the same city Namjoon lives in, and she said she saw this “date” on Saturday and that it wasn’t anything serious. (+788) ↳ Piper got a cat and Namjoon finally got a second date. Face it, it’s over. (+325) ↳ cannot believe him and piper aren’t dating.. do you think i should delete all my tiktok edits? (+4) ↳ this is unhinged lmfao i thought y’all hated piper? you’re in here bitching abt her being a “misandrist” every week and now ur gonna stop listening bc namjoon isn’t dating her? pick a lane and stay in it (-64)

Thank you so much for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts, and reblogs/shares are always welcome! I appreciate you very much~ ♡

[the5thcellar]

I actually think Luke is serious about A. That age gap is typically what men marry these days. I think he's crazy about her and was taking it slow after a long term break up before going official. That shows intention, planning, and wanting her. I wouldn't be surprised the official IG couple post is coming soon.

I'm just upset that they took it this far with promo. Tom and Z were meeting each other's family outside of work early on, so to say you are officially brining him to meet the fame was a bit much. Closing your eyes when she touches your face? Grade A acting. I hate that it makes me believe he was never attracted to an amazing woman like Nicola. I feel dumb for falling for it all. I hope Nicola finds a handsome guy who will love her proudly.

that's a really interesting take tbh! ive actually never considered he was serious about her in the sense of marrying - but of course this is purely based off the vibes I get and is entirely my own view.

one of the reasons i say this is because luke doesn't seem too inclined to keep a completely friendly distance between himself and nic - i heard that the QC leads india and corey were shipped really hard by fans as well and he had a gf during the whole press run - and towards the end india and corey started posing separately on carpets (i.e. no touching, no friendly hand around shoulder even during photos etc) because they wanted to emphasise that they were really just friends.

luke in contrast seems to have no qualms about blurring lines - and one of the reasons the more rabid fans kept insulting Antonia was a direct result of the fact that he kept stating his "single" status to press. I think he could have helped Antonia avoid a lot of the flak she drew by just stating that he's seeing someone. but maybe he felt it would draw even more attention to his private life and her? idk. i don't want to puzzle over his motivations because I don't believe they are too complex - I've said this many times before and I'll keep saying it - no matter how good a man seems (and I do believe Luke is very good and sweet), trying to justify anything they do is still a sure path to disappointment.

more importantly: please don't feel dumb for falling for the hope that nic and luke could be together! i really don't think they were being deliberately disingenuous - i actually think the opposite - i think they themselves are often confused about what they really are and it's just easier to define it as being great friends. it's strange but i get the feeling that they see each other as a source of potential - it's simultaneously impossible and also the easiest thing in the world for them to envision a reality where they're together - there just seems to be many barriers to it happening for real. they're comfortable living in the liminal space between great friendship and great romantic love - it definitely explains why nic said she doesn't have a relationship in her life that's anything close to what she has with luke. I think there just needs to be a decisive push for them to ever move out of this grey area. it'll have to be something massive for it to ever happen... and it's not something I hold out hope for (again, just to avoid disappointment!)

this got really long; I wish nic and luke all the best and I think they have something very special with each other. I think life has many many stops along the way and I don't think luke has found a final stop in his romantic journey with antonia - they are both very young and they don't have the vibe of "together forever" couples - if they did (since luke is such a big believer in love at first sight) - he'd have laid down a commitment a lot sooner.

again I want to emphasise that this is all MY POV - it's the vibe I get. I'm WELL AWARE I don't know these people irl. There's always criticism of how parasocial fandom and stan behaviour are but I think most fans - myself included - are very conscious of the fact that the way we perceive and interact with celebs is completely one sided. I'm also not a psychic or clairvoyant or anything of the sort. i just strangely feel a lot of things all the time and ive never been chill a day in my life 😂

sending you lots of good feelings and healing - I feel your hurt and unease and disappointment because I feel the same, but it gets easier to accept with each day that passes.

[taevolu]

Parasocial [Part One: What can go Wrong?] 18+

Brief Summary: she was a streamer that liked to play games for fun and to meet new people. Her fanbase was growing more and more and she loved to interact with her fans as much as possible. However, someone wanted something more than just online interactions. He wanted her, needed her and would do anything just to be with her.

Pairing: Taehyung x Reader 

Genre: Smut

Word Count: 2,961

Warnings: yandere tae, taexdom, obsessive/possessive tae, stalker, computer hacking, masturbation, porn, home invasion

Parts: Part One, Part Two

***I do not portray any of the members to act like this in real life as they do in this story, this is all fictional!***

―

“Good evening everyone! I am so stoked to play Sun Haven for you guys!” You say to your viewers on Twitch. You always loved to play games after work and decided to make it your side hustle to get extra money. It was always your dream to become a full-time streamer and based on your growing viewers, it might even happen. Your viewers are all very supportive by showing up and tipping you as much as they can, it was like you had your very own fanbase! There was one viewer in particular that joined everyday, his name was Taehyung. He was always hyping you up, tipping you huge amounts of money, and staying until the end of your stream. You really appreciated him as one of your viewers.

You continued to stream and interact with your viewers, having to scroll through chat to read and reply to every single one. But you stopped at a comment that caught your eye as it was from Taehyung, “You make me so happy, thank you for taking some time off of your day to stream for us!” It warmed your heart when you saw his comment, thanking him in return.

You were about to end the stream but wanted to chat with your viewers before going. A lot of them wanted you to create a discord server, saying that it would be a fun way to keep chatting with you or with others after the stream. You thought that it was a great idea as you wanted to talk and get to know your viewers a bit more too.

After creating your account and announcing the server, you got tons of  friend requests from your viewers and without any thinking, you added them all as a friend.

*ding*

You got a notification from your discord’s private messages.

[Messages]

Taehyung [21:03]: hi y/n! im so glad that you finally set up a discord account!

You [21:10]: hi taehyung! Yeahhh it did take a while to finally decide to

Taehyung [21:10]: well im glad i can talk to you everyday now and not through your lives 🙂

You [21:19]: thank you for supporting me!

Taehyung [21:19]: goodnight ❤

You [21:26]: Goodnight 🙂

You got ready for bed, glad that you had another successful stream.

Taehyung chuckles at himself as he hearts your message, happy that he had a platform to finally talk to you privately and not with other people. He loved you so much and wanted you with him forever. He wanted you for only him and no one else, just the thought of you being with someone else angered Taehyung. He planned to hack your computer to receive your IP address to find out where you lived but he wasn’t able to do so until you went back on stream.

“You’ll be mine soon.”

Before work, you went to your usual cafe place to wake yourself up after a long night of gaming. You see your best friend, Mael, behind the counter.

“What’s up y/n! How are you?” He greets you as you walk over to the counter.

You and Mael have been friends since junior high and used to hang out often, unfortunately, since you both graduated, life has been busy. But the both of you always caught up every morning while he got your usual ready.

“I’m doing well!” You reply.

He chuckles, “You seem a bit more cheerful than usual.” He said as he was about to finish up your drink.

“Just had another successful stream last night. A lot of my viewers asked me to open up a discord server and I’ve just been raided with a whole lot of compliments.” You explain.

Mael hands you your order, a warmed croissant with a chai, “Isn’t it a bit risky to do that though? Like creeps messaging you everyday?”

You shrug, “Maybe, but I will be careful, promise!” You say as you grab your things from him, waving him goodbye as you exit the cafe to go to work.

…

*ding*

‘I'm excited to watch your stream tonight 🙂.’ You look at your phone and see that Taehyung has messaged you. You smiled and reacted to his message, no time to message him back as it was almost time to start your stream.

“Good evening everyone! Today’s game will be…” You continued your stream like normal

As you continue to play your game, Taehyung quickly gets to work. It did take him a while and was glad that you decided to play longer today as you didn’t work the next day. He was able to get ahold of your IP address and found your information. He chuckles to himself, he was close to having you.

Taehyung started to look around your area, trying to find a home to be close to you. He wanted to hang out with you like you were friends, he wanted you to like him, and wanted you to finally notice him.

Taehyung shouts with glee as he found a home that was just minutes away from your area. He began to pack up his things, not caring about anything else that he was going to leave behind.

He was on a mission and you were his goal.

It took Taehyung a week to own his home and to get everything ready for him to confront you in person. He was able to locate and observe you to figure out your daily routine, knowing which stores you always visited and where you worked. You weren’t much of an outside person which made this easier for Taehyung.

‘Everything was going as planned.’ Taehyung thought.

You started your morning routine before work, going over to the cafe for your usual. You greet Mael as you enter the store, him already getting your order ready. You sit down on one of the booths, opening up your phone to reply to your fans that commented on your post last night.

You suddenly hear footsteps walking towards you, assuming that it is Mael with your tea. You turn around to grab your things to leave but you were wrong. 

“Hey y/n! Fancy seeing you here!” Taehyung says, excitement showing throughout his face, you looked at the man in confusion, not knowing who he was and why he knew your name. The man then realized and introduced himself, “I forgot to introduce myself, I’m Taehyung, I watch you on twitch!”

You froze, you weren’t expecting to ever see any of your viewers in person, especially Taehyung. You had to admit, he was a good looking man. His body was slim, his hair looked messy but styled at the same time, and his face looked godly.

You didn’t realize that you were standing in place while still staring at Taehyung until Mael cleared his throat to get your attention.

“Here’s your order y/n.” He says, then passes Taehyung to walk over to you to hand over your things.

“Thank you, Mael.” You murmured, Mael nodded and began to walk away. Taehyung had his eyes locked onto Mael as he walked away, eyebrows furrowed, but changed his expression once he turned back to you.

“Sorry if I disturbed you, I didn’t mean to.” Taehyung says while fiddling with his jacket.

You shake your head, “It’s okay, I just didn’t expect to ever see any of my viewers in public, that’s all.” You nervously laugh, “But I gotta go to work soon.” You wave Taehyung goodbye as you reach the door but he stops you by grabbing your hand.

“I was wondering if you wanted to hangout sometime?” Taehyung asks.

You turn around to face Taehyung, “Yeah sure! Just message me and I’ll be there.” You reply. You see Mael looking over to you, mouthing ‘don’t do it.’ but you just shrug him off. Taehyung was one of your #1 supporters on twitch and have stuck with you since you started streaming. 

What can go wrong?

Taehyung watched your stream that night, chuckling to himself as he finally had you in his hands. The more he looked at you, the more aroused he felt. He ran his hands all over his body, feeling himself and wishing that it was you touching him. He reaches down to his pants to reveal his cock, pumping his cock as he moans your name. He begins to pump faster, groaning as he wished it was your pussy instead.

“Fuck, y/n, I want to feel your warmth so fucking bad.” He moans, gripping his dick harder as he was about to cum. He groans as he shoots his cum all over your face that was displayed on his monitor.

He stands up from his chair, wiping his cum off of his monitor, “Next time, my cum will be on your pretty and soft face, my darling.” But that gave him an idea. Your stream was about to end and as you say your goodbyes, he begins to dress up to head somewhere.

Your home.

He didn’t live too far from you, just 2 minutes away, glad that he was able to find an apartment unit so close to yours. He walked up the stairs to your apartment’s front door and saw all of the lights in your unit were off, noting that you were already asleep. The doors in this apartment complex were easy to get into as they can be unlocked by fingerprint or keycode. Good thing for Taehyung, he got your fingerprint when he grabbed your hand as you were leaving the cafe earlier this morning. He uses the tape that got ahold of the print and unlocked your door in an instant.

Taehyung slowly opens the door, no creaks to be heard, and tiptoes his way into your unit. His layout was the same as yours, making it easy for him to find your room. He sneaks into your room, slowly opening your door to see you without any clothing, masturbating while watching porn. You moan in pleasure as you rub your clit, your wet pussy and the video filling up your room. Taehyung can feel his erected cock suffering in his pants, waiting to be used. He pulls out his cock, pumping it while he watches you rub your clit. Your moans start to build up as you are getting closer to your orgasm, your speed increasing. Taehyung sees that you are getting closer, pumping faster to cum with you. You moan in pleasure as you reach your orgasm, twitching from the sensual sensation. Taehyung notices as he sees your body twitching, feeling the same sensation as he cums into his hands.He pulls his pants back up and begins to watch you get ready to fall asleep, waiting until you fall into a deep sleep.

He stood there, hearing you softly snore, queuing him that it was time. He opens up your door even more, slowly walking in towards your bed. He was glad that you decided to not clothe yourself as it made it easier to touch you. He lightly touches your legs to move them apart. He feels you move under his touch, stopping his action to not wake you. He hears you softly snore again and begins to lean in close to your pussy. He inhales to smell the scent of your pussy, the smell of your cum still lingering. His mouth started to water as he was impatient to taste you. He inches his mouth closer to your opening, his tongue softly touching your pussy while he licks up your juices. He then sticks his tongue into your pussy, motioning his tongue to your clit and down to your entrance, feeling your pussy becoming wet under his touch. He smiles as he hears you moan in your sleep. He continues to lick your clit while he carefully pushes a finger in your entrance, you start to squirm but he didn’t care, he was waiting for this moment. He slowly pumps inside you while he quickened his pace with his tongue, your juices and his saliva piling up on his chin. He feels you tighten around his fingers and quickly pulls away as he doesn't want to wake you from your sleep. He slowly crawls back out of the bed to not wake you up, and stands up to observe your body. He smirks admiring your perfect breasts, staring at your erect nipples. He begins to lean down, kissing both and creeps out of your room slowly while carefully shutting the door behind him. He smiles to himself, satisfied that he finally got a taste of you.

…

You woke up as a cold breeze came into contact with your exposed pussy, realizing that you forgot to clothe yourself back up before getting into bed. You sat up in bed, going over the dream you had last night. You had a dream of someone eating you out but you couldn’t see who it was. You haven’t had someone eat you out in a while, blaming that reason for your dream. You groaned as it made you horny again but you had to get ready for work. You stand up from your bed and get ready.

You finally got to the cafe, walking over to the entrance. When you walk in, you see the same people that go in there daily like you. However, you see someone who you don’t see often and it was Taehyung. You feel different after seeing him sitting with his coffee, the feeling of your pussy gushing underneath your panties. You were wearing a skirt today and the breeze between your legs led a shiver down your spine. You shake your head to compose yourself, scolding yourself for being horny so early in the morning.

You walk up to the counter and thank Mael but he stops you, “Please be careful y/n, I’ve been really worried about you lately.” You roll your eyes at him. Mael has always been protective but you don’t blame him, you were a juvenile teenager and always chose poor choices but you were an adult now and knew better, you didn’t want him to worry about you forever.

“Mael, I am quite sure that I can take care of myself. I do appreciate that you care about me a lot. I will be more cautious with what I do, I am not like the teenager that I was back then.” You hear him sigh.

“I know, I am just worried.” He starts, he then leans in closer to whisper, “Ever since that one day, he has been showing up lately.” He whispers as he looks over to Taehyung. You raised your eyebrows in disbelief.

“Mael, don’t worry about him. He is a kind person. And plus you don’t know him that well to be assuming stuff about him.” You say in a hush tone.

He shakes his head with a sigh, “And you know him?”

“I don’t, but he is harmless, trust me please.” Of course you didn’t know him personally but you didn’t see that in Taehyung, he never showed the intentions to be a ‘creep’ when it came to your lives.

Mael sighs again in defeat, “Okay, fine, but if you come to me for help just know that I told you so.” You smile and nod in response.

You walk over to the door to leave for work, feeling sharp eyes on your back. You turn around to see who it was and it ends up being Taehyung. You gave him a smile and a small wave, he does it back and stands up to walk over to you. While he does, you see Mael’s eyes shift over to you both but you ignore him.

“Hey, y/n! I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tomorrow at the club?” Taehyung asks.

“Yeah, sure! I do want to get my mind off of some things right now so I would love that!” You reply. You see Taehyung’s face lighten up in excitement.

“Great! I’ll meet you at Forum tomorrow, 22:00 okay with you?”

You chuckle. You appreciated that he respected your stream time but you were planning on canceling your stream plans that night, “I’m not streaming tonight so we can go at 21:00!” He nods in response. You say goodbye to Taehyung as you were getting late for work.

Once you got into your car, you get a text from Mael. You sigh after looking at his text message.

[Messages]

Mael [7:47]: Be careful please.

You [7:48]: If you are so worried, why dont you just come with? We are going to the Forum at 21:00 tonight.

Mael [7:48]: Okay, I’ll see you there

You threw your phone into your bag, tired of talking to Mael and started driving over to work.

While you left the cafe, Taehyung sat in his spot, his heart racing as he started to think about the things he wanted to do with you as he had you in his hands. His thoughts suddenly stopped as Mael approached him.

“What intentions do you have with y/n?” Mael asks. Taehyung shifts his gaze over to the man. Taehyung didn’t like Mael as he always talked to you, especially earlier as he heard your conversation with him.

“Nothing. I’m just one of her biggest fans.” Taehyung says nonchalantly.

Mael huffs in annoyance, “Well whatever it is, don’t do anything stupid.” Taehyung nods slowly and begins to make his way out of the cafe.

Mael was going to be a problem between you and Taehyung. And Taehyung had to do something about him. But now wasn’t the right time. He needed to have you first.

― 

PLEASE do not copy, translate or post my writing on any other platform without my consent. ― taevolu🤍

Inspired by trivia-yandere and the parasocial game by chillas art

[waybeforeyourtime]

the parasocial relationship that some people have with edvin and omar is insane. and the entitlement. these guys don't know you, and you don't actually know them, even if you think you do. they don't actually owe us anything, but they still manage to interact with the fans when they can. I think they interact with fans more than any other fandom I've been apart of. but its still not enough for some people. if they've taken a step back on social media its their business and its shallow to assume it reflects how they feel about yr, as many people like to imply, because imo they've both shown time and time again how much the show has meant to them.

Modern parasocial relationships are so disturbing. Fans think they can read people's minds based on body language captured in a split second. Or they take a comment and think they know the hidden meaning behind it. Or they think they are 'owed' knowing who the actor is dating.

My mind can't fathom how people can't see how unhealthy it is for all parties involved.

This fandom has reminded me why I enjoy book fandoms so much more. I mean there's fan entitlement, ofc. And there have been issues with authors online. But most of the time no real people are harmed. Fictional characters are not harmed by my obsessive nature.

[redphlox]

Genuine question! How do you feel about Hawks currently in the story? I know he has a lot of fans, and a lot of people really enjoy him, but I am somebody who really struggles to enjoy Hawks with everything we have thus far.

I really did have high hopes for his character, I hope that he was going to have a real moment of self-reflection about Twice's death. Every time Hawks talks about twice, he just says the same thing, "Yeah, Jin was a good guy. (:"

He's got a very weird parasocial relationship with Endeavor, and the story didn't unpack that. After Endeavor's family past comes to light, he's not shown to have any struggle with the idea of Endeavor being a past abuser he just automatically goes straight giving him his support and we are not shown a moment of internal conflicting thoughts on Endeavor.

Horikoshi created a very interesting foil situation with him and Touya, but then he never unpacked that either. They never interacted again after Twice's death. Sucks, as I felt like the Dabi and Hawks dynamic has TON of potential (not talking from a shipping lens), but it still didn't go anywhere in the end.

The way the story frames Hawks is very strange, too. Not one person on the hero side questions him killing twice. It would have been interesting if we had gotten a scene where Tokoyami questioned Hawks and asked if it was the right thing to do.

Another weird scene was when Lady Nagant explodes, and Hawks catches her. She tells him he's got the look of a real hero or he had an optimistic look in his eyes (I don't remember 100% what she said now). That was their first time meeting each other, too.

Now, here we are currently with Hawks, becoming the president of public safety commission.

Idk, I wanted to really like him, but when I read his character in canon, I just think there is a lot that the story did not unpack with him.

Some of it feels like Horikoshi's writing choices. It really feels like he holds back really hard when it comes to the heroes.

Hey! Thanks for your thoughtful ask 😊

Basically, I agree with everything you said. You took the words right out of my mouth. I initially really liked Hawks - his design, his spunky personality, his quirk, and the mystery surrounding him. All the foiling with Dabi was superb. I didn't even mind when he killed Twice - not that I didn't feel sad about his death, because I did, but with the framing and everything I thought his death wouldn't be in vain and that the characters would all grow and learn from it, especially Hawks.

But nothing came of it. I'm of the opinion that Hawks was retconned heavily because Horikoshi realized how popular his character was and didn't want to angry fans by having him face consequences or be wrong about something. I feel like Lady Nagant is probably what Hawks' backstory and actual plot were supposed to be, and she's just a substitute. But this sudden change in the direction of his arc completely devastated the themes and thus the story.

Hawks feels really empty to me right now. He's the epitome of toxic positivity, blindly following, and no introspection or self reflection about his actions or what it means to be a hero or even about what it means being a victim. He's just kind of there.

I know we have two chapters to go, so maybe we'll have more - I have hopes that with his power as president of the commission he will pardon or rehabilitate the villains in some way and actually follow through with what he had offered Twice.

We'll see. For now, I'm like... rolling my eyes and imagining better writing for him.

[nicromancytarot]

so how did you manage to find the exact name of your spouse thats quite cool!

It’s a long story in all honesty. 2022 I liked this guy, and I stumbled across pick a cards on YouTube, I watched one about my future spouse and it mentioned some specific things that unfortunately for 2022 me did not add up with the guy I liked. At the end of 2022 I interacted with my future spouse unknowingly, and he’s always been under my nose which sounds insane and creepy at the same time. My friend sent me a video of him in 2021 and I had no idea who he was, I used an audio of him on tiktok in 2022 and still hasn’t a clue of his existence, even as far back to 2020 when I saw him on youtube and vowed to never watch his content ‼️

He’s somewhat in the influencing space if you can’t already tell (I’ll keep his name private for the sake of both of our privacies and timing, since obviously things can change) so I didn’t think much of it. Then mid 2023 I got back into Tarot and pick a cards, I was feeling really demotivated so I decided to watch some about my future spouse again, same thing as always happens, I put two and two together and was like “oh, hang on a minute” then bro got semi cancelled and I was onto bigger and greater things, hoping Louis Partridge was my husband instead 😔

I always felt verrrry drawn to this person no matter what and it pissed me off cus this was my era of loving Miguel Ohara and wishing that he was real, but it was spoiled by this man being on my mind. So around 5 months later I got back into his content (very loosely) and I was a tad more content with him being my future spouse.

I then started learning more about astrology, he hasn’t got many chart analysis posts about him as he’s not mainstream or anything, but the ones that he does have, the “soulmate” ones weirdly describe me and it’s creepy, because it makes me feel parasocial, I only know one other person with a “famous” future spouse so I don’t really know how to feel about it, since there’s so many unsuspecting, but it’s weird to know who you’re going to marry.

Another thing I should probably say is that my spirit guides don’t hide much from me anymore, the start of 2023 they gave me a blob of information about the universe and how it works and all these things about the afterlife (which again, makes me sound psycho, so I don’t speak about it) I’m writing a book on it, have been for the last year, it’s definitely going to be a lot when I one day release it lmao, but because of them telling me all this stuff, they don’t really care to hide my future spouse’s identity for me, I think they figured that it will motivate me to actually get my ass up and become who I want to become so we can meet.

But going back to the astrology, I was told by my spirit guides via pendulum that I was going to meet him at 21, that was told to me October last year, December last year I was looking through our astrology transits, we both have a 5th house (love and relationships) transit on November 24th 2026, 14 days after my 21st birthday. So that was certainly confirmation lmao. His 7th house ruler (where you could meet) in astrocartography goes over the country I live in, and my 7th house ruler also goes over that place too, so again, very strange.

During my October pendulum time, I spoke with one of my great grandparents who had a specific message for me, and she proceeded to spell out his name, so that’s how I know that lmao.

I’ve done so many readings on it since because it does make you feel absolutely, incredibly insane and possibly out of your mind, and they’ve always added up. I did a “how he’s going to meet his future spouse” and then mine, they added up too much, it was terrifying (bro feels rejected by me, L) and I also asked for confirmation a few nights later for just a single sign that he is indeed my future spouse, I pulled AT THE SAME TIME the lovers and two of cups, I genuinely sobbed when I realised I could’ve recorded it, it’s the craziest thing that’s happened to me in Tarot I swear.

I also received a few readings since during exchanges and games where people have straight up confirmed that he is who I think he is. So hopefully we both make the right decisions to be together in the end, it’s definitely not an opportunity I plan on missing out on.

I can’t lie, knowing your future spouse is hard, especially if they’re somewhat someone you look up to, I’m not necessarily a “fan” of him, I don’t really interact with his content anymore, I haven’t really done so since early 2023, but I feel guilty for not doing so now as of who he is to me, and who he shall be. I constantly have doubts about it, my guides get pissed off at me all the time because I’m always asking for confirmation or searching for something, but really all I know now is that if I make all the right choices, and he does too, then we will become what we will be, but for now I guess I feel isolated in that.

I won’t get into the whole negative side of knowing your future spouse, unless some asks me to lmao, it’s certainly too much for this already too long rant.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk xoxo

[betweenblackberrybranches]

For rlgl how would they even start interacting with each other? Y/n at least knows to keep a distance and they would never talk at work so even if they do talk it probably wouldn't be a great idea to keep doing it....

Yes I am very interested in this au and all your aus om nomnomnomnom

💕 munchin on my AUs i see hope they are tasty

Well i think Y/N may know to keep their distance and does not fall for the flirting but they are not immune to the parasocial relationship they have to the guys, years of cleaning up after them and working with them eventhough interactions were held to a necessary minimum made them kind of care about the bots at work. So when they see the guys struggle in the new inviroment (oh no the washingmashine broke and now they have to clean up real fast before it seeps into the floor and damages the flat; oh no Moon accidently threw something important in the trash now they have to search through the big trashcans in the courtyard; usw thes guys are chaotic) they cant help but to feel like they dont want them to struggle alone. So first they start helping only in extreme emergencies and through a gradual shift they become more used to it. They always try really hard not to be spottet with them in public though

[hellcatsandcars]

long post! milex inspired rambling!! you have been warned!!!

not to be That Guy but i am asking everyone who - just like myself - likes to speculate about miles and alex and their personal lives (very much far away from them so that our speculations don't make anyone uncomfortable, thank you very much) to stop for a second.

there's been a trend lately of people kind of... piling up heartbrokenness (?) on miles, and portraying a sort of break-up situation between the two of them after the end of the eycte tour. that's fair enough! lyrics interpretation can definitely be used to back those ideas, go off!

but also, since a lot of people have used the "alex was not ready to come out, they fell out as a consequence of this" trope (which again, fair enough, whatever waters your crops) i am asking you to actually stop and consider what this means with a bit of empathy.

a large part of the fanbase is queer, in whichever direction that may be. a lot of us have gone through the five stages of gay grief when we found out because, despite the bubble we create for ourselves on the internet, there are a lot of real life issues connected to queerness that we will simply have to learn to deal with. that being said, i find it sort of... mean, i guess, the way that people are using the very real issue of being torn between coming out (and the many, many consequences that follow) and maintaining a "secret" relationship, which as far as we know might have been secret only to the public. especially given the added weight of fame, i would also be very hesitant to have a relationship exposed for everyone to see, comment on, judge, or discuss like it's just another segment in the news.

alex is beyond private, as is his right. we as fans grow to have a sort of parasocial expectation of him to share facts about himself (since we may feel that we are "owed" that intimate knowledge) and we gossip about him endlessly and we pick apart every single interaction or relationship he has. if we do all this in private, and bearing in mind that it's not something we are actually in any way involved in ourselves, it's okay. i'm not dictating what people do on the internet because that'd be beyond pointless.

but please, especially if you're queer yourself: how would it feel to have a part of your life ruthlessly exposed for the world to see, slipping entirely out of your control? how would it feel to be the villain simply because you don't want to come out, or don't want to divulge private information?

this is not to say that you can't write or imagine these scenarios, but maybe try to have a bit of empathy when you do. sometimes coming out really isn't a feasible option, and there's nothing evil or cowardly about that.

[hxhhasmysoul]

the blatant didactic nature of the gojou's racist comment scene

the way people talk about the racist comment gojou made is baffling to me. completely baffling.

gege seems to have lefty leanings and jjk is pretty lefty too. it's not super lefty, it's not fully enlightened on all possible fronts, not even close to as left as most tumblr fandom would want to be or imagine themselves to be. most of you fail miserably because you are averse to self-awareness and interrogating your own internalised bigotry and it plays a huge part in the outrage about chapter 255.

jjk can be easily criticised from the left. very fucking easily, but most of the fandom just doesn't know how and any criticisms they make on how jjk handles lefty issues usually fall so fucking flat and honestly often veer into into criticising jjk from a right wing and fundie religious pov. that's just the truth, i've personally dissected some of such takes, mostly about the performative feminism in the fandom that is aggressively terf flavoured.

so i will do some more mild lefty critique in the context of the recent gojou flashback. by explaining to the loud functionally illiterate part of the fandom what gege likes to do in the story. like what very basic, unsubtle things gege does in the story to push their lefty leanings. so this is as much a critique of the text of jjk as it is of the fandom.

______

jjk's target audience are japanese teenagers. idk if gege thinks they are writing mostly for boys but i wouldn't be surprised by that, that is the stereotype, even though i think a lot of teens who aren't boys passionately read shounen titles too. especially something like jjk that aggressively panders to the not straight male gaze.

what gege did with gojou making the racist comment, they'd done before with toudou and megumi. and with yuuji and ozawa. i mean the very unsubtle rhetorical didactic technique they used. gege took their presumed teenage male reader by the hand and led him through a basic lefty concept.

(they also tried to do it with momo and nobara and mai but that one is such a mess and honestly a failure because gege mushes in too many topics and really doesn't stick the landing on some, that it fails to be a simplistic didactic moment like the other ones. it'd be too much of a tangent to go into it)

megs & toudou aka gege explaining to teen boys how not to end up someone akin to an incel

when toudou asked megumi his type, as readers are very clearly led to understand that megumi's point of view is the correct one.

megumi's answer about character being what matters gets clear approval from the two girls present. gege points to the teenage boy reader, look, if you want girls to think you’re okay, think like megumi.

and toudou is very clearly written as cringe, as a guy who tries to be edgy but simps for an idol. there is a stigma in japan against men who obsess about idols because they are considered immature, unable to handle having interactions with other humans and forming parasocial relationships instead. so toudou's rejection of megumi's thinking is put into context. his behaviour puts women off, and shouldn't be taken seriously because he's likely a virgin, too afraid to talk to a real woman.

the attempt is good, but not perfect. because the social ridicule men like toudou get is really annoying, because it's just trying to shame them into being "normal", and it doesn't address the underlying societal and cultural issues that lead to men turning to parasocial relationships for emotional fulfilment. so i'd say 8/10. pretty high because toudou at least was like: don't be homophobic.

ozawa & yuuji aka gege explaining to teen boys how to be a borderline decent human being, and to people with low self esteem due to cultural shunning that they deserve more than basic human decency

gege does the same thing with yuuji and ozawa. ozawa has deeply internalised her fatfobia and turned it into self hatred. she develops a crush on yuuji because he considered her attractive. yes, i think yuuji is generally great and would make a partner happy, but ozawa's primary motivation is that he's normal about her. this teaches the reader: yuuji is the best one among the boys because he's not shallow and fatphobic. but also with ozawa not pursuing yuuji when she got slim, it shows people like her not to settle for the bare minimum of being treated with basic decency. it would've been better if ozawa didn't turn slim because i've seen cis male fans really gloss over everything else, but it's not a completely meaningless attempt. it's just like 5/10.

gojou & miguel aka gege explaining to teen boys how certain widespread stereotypes are actually bigoted

gege has gojou say an openly bigoted thing, get instant push back for it from the affected party and apologise to the person he hurt. it literally teaches the reader, we all have biases, we all are ignorant about things, even the people who the society elevates and puts on a pedestal. and when that happens, when our ignorance is pointed out to us, when it hurts someone, we should not argue, we shouldn’t treat their push back as a personal attack, we should just simply apologise. there's no attempt at gojou apologetics in the text. 10/10, the best of gege's attempts.

_

racism and colourism and cultural chauvinism are prominent cultural and societal issues in japan. japan also has huge issues with abelism, misogyny, queerphobia, fatphobia to name the biggest ones i can think of. but also these issues are pervasive in all other countries around the world, just to varying degrees. there's no country that is perfect on any of these, some are objectively better on some, but never all, than others and some market themselves as better but are actually fucking awful.

one of the most globalised things is bigotry, it spreads like wildfire. but it also spreads in ways that most people don't understand. you need to be taught critical thinking and reading comprehension and actually taught that they can exist in the first place to pick up on these things, no one is born with these skills and knowledge. if people never encounter stereotypes like "black people are naturally stronger" challenged or discussed, they will not know that 1. they are not true, 2. that they are actually harmful. because on the surface it kinda looks like praise, and people will propagate it thinking that it's praise. gojou isn't trying to insult miguel, his apology makes it clear. he lived in a culture where this opinion was widespread and never thought about it, it vaguely sounded like praise to his ignorance. it doesn't mean that what he said wasn't racist because his intentions were good. i've written before what i think about using intentions to excuse shitty behaviour, i've actually written about it specifically in the context of how the fandom treats gojou's shitty behaviour.

we all have these internalised bigoted opinions in ourselves, not because we're all bad people but because we're surrounded by them. as children we initially trust adults until we learn better that not everyone should be trusted. or that some people can be trusted about some stuff but not everything. so we take what we hear from them at face value. same with the media that we’re all bombarded with. someone has to teach us to notice these things. (if you think you're morally pure and only have good opinions it means that you've not worked through much. there are so many complex issues in our cultures and societies that it's impossible not to have blind spots. but also it means that you're closed to evolving your opinions. many views that used to be progressive 20, 10 years ago are not seen as such anymore. certain interpretations are proposed, seem good but get challenged, and usually turn out to be reductive. believing that there’s some finite and established set of morally good opinions means that you just want a cheat sheet to perform moral purity to get societal brownie points, you’re not really interested in reality)

we need to first learn that we have the biases we do and then also be open to interrogating our preconceived notions, to be actually capable of shedding them. we need to not take personally being called out on it.

but that's hard. the morality policing that is so pervasive online leads many people to never wanting to be wrong. because others will be horrid about it and will never forget. there's no incentive to get better on issues, or grapple with one's own biases when many people online will never accept the idea that someone can make a mistake, be corrected and take that correction to heart and do better from there on. you have one chance to get it right and then well, morally impure brand forever.

and this is one crux of the issue with fandom's reaction to the scene in 255. gojou is shown to have a racist blind spot and happily regurgitates a racist comment. and what happens next doesn't matter. the fandom has decided that gojou is forever tainted because he wasn't fully enlightened to begin with.

what gege did is one of the best ways a story can be aggressively didactic about something like this. show a person doing a bad thing and then show how to sincerely apologise. no apologetics, no relativism, very short, to the point.

but in this day and age, with how people perform leftism through media consumption and fandom, this is met with vitriol. and that's fucking scary because it will make it toxic for others to attempt stuff like this. all of you misinterpreting this so aggressively is actually harmful. idk how much of this will get to gege and other mangaka but it might make some of them believe that it's better to never touch any societal issues because it's not worth the backlash, most of which stems out of either actual lack of reading comprehension or malicious misinterpretation. because gege did it correctly and the fandom just will not accept that.

to the rabid and loud parts of the fandom, gojou having this flaw is either:

the author is just being a dick to their character, therefore the true gojou that lives in his fans' heads is not racist.

or what gojou did actually wasn't racist uwu, or his intentions were pure uwu, it's not that important and you're overreacting.

or gege is racist for even mentioning racism... some of you really think you are leftists and then parrot this tired far right tactic: i'm not bigoted, you're bigoted for mentioning bigotry...

and all of these, all of these completely miss the point of that scene.

_

this is one of the 3 recent gojou scenes that i think are meant to be redeeming for his major flaws selfishness and insensitivity, and the only one that in my opinion actually works.

the one that is completely garbage and confusing is the one with gakuganji, gojou seemingly is trying to appoint someone to provide structure to the rebuilding after the whole sukuna debacle. like i think it's meant to show gojou actually taking responsibility for his failures (the whole mention of yaga) and show practical concern over futures of the people in his care. previously he kinda showed responsibility over what happened to riko and getou but it was all kinda mired with him getting a power up, and him really still being an irresponsible and selfish guy later on. and all he had to offer the teens he recruited as child soldiers was some "better jujutsu society" that very pointedly lacked on any fucking details as to what it could've been. and him ceding responsibility onto gakuganji, one of the pillars of the previous system really kinda shows hoe vacuous gojou's ideals were. -10/10 on the redemption attempt.

the one that feels very tone deaf is gojou telling ijichi that he trusts him the most. ijichi literally thought that gojou could hit him a few months before that. ijichi a lower ranking person in a hierarchy, believed that a higher ranking person could hit him. the kind of bullying and disrespect that leads someone to believe that is serious, honestly gojou and ijichi kinda remind me of an abusive family dynamic, where the abuser sporadically and irregularly drops some kindness to confuse the victim and make them not leave. and the last act of kindness just doesn't feel that meaningful. 0/10 on the redemption scale.

but this with miguel? a 10/10 redemption moment. gojou isn't prideful when his racism is called out, isn't trying to diminish what he did, isn't avoidant. he apologises. that's it. this is why it actually is a very simple argument against the "gege hates gojou" bs.

that "gege hates gojou" is stupid in general, because it's basically based on the belief that giving a character flaws means the author hates them. and this stems from far right moral purity ideologies that a lot of people have never challenged in themselves. that's why there's so much harassment and vitriol over finding out people put on a pedestal have flaws.

gojou is flawed. each and every one of us is flawed. we all have biases and blind spots and internalised bigoted views, many of which we don't realise we have because we usually don't think about those topics. that point is what we do with that, how we react to realising that a thing we had as some background belief is actually a harmful stereotype. if it's just in our heads then interrogate it, where did it come from, maybe there's more shit like that in our minds that we need to tackle. if we say it, then acting like gojou is actually the way to go. apologise, if necessary do more remediation, and then interrogate where it came from.

having bad opinions doesn't make anyone an intrinsically immoral and impure person. what they do when those opinions are challenged and how they act / what they say next time is the mark of their character.

so many of you moral purity fuckers, who deem themselves leftists, want media to be morality plays. want media to take you by the hand and show you right from wrong. and when an author actually does that, the exact thing you claim you want them to, it literally flies over your fucking heads.

[antimony-medusa]

It’s very interesting hearing you talk about rpf dynamics in the myct fandoms. I’m a casual enjoyer of it and only follow a few people in the fandom. The boundaries thing is just so weird to me bc rule 34 is a thing, people are gonna do what they want to do. Every other fandom I’ve interacted with has had the rule that fandom stuff is for the fandom and shipping and rpf aren’t things regulated by the cc’s. Going up the the person and asking about their boundaries feels worse to me than just writing or drawing whatever it is that you want and then just putting it in the proper tags or website on the internet so that the cc’s won’t find it.

Yeah. I agree.

I think the whole notion of boundaries started in a good spot, with not wanting to make the creators uncomfortable, which is a laudable goal! And with this fandom being really close to RPF, it's the sort of thing that you think about if, if you're sort of inventing a fandom from first principles and not checking in to how actual ethical RPF fandoms have learned, painfully, how to work. (First rule is to NOT SHOW THE PERSON THE RPF, the second is that we all know that it's fictional and not real truthing about the person, and the list goes on. I don't believe MCYT is truly RPF, but it's close enough that I think we wouldn't do badly to adopt RPF fandom principles from people who already know the pitfalls to avoid.)

And then we had, as a neutral statement, unprecedented access to the creators through TTS and Twitter, so while I might have the thought "I hope this doesn't make this actor uncomfortable" I'm not likely to be able to actually get in contact with the guy playing Steve Rogers— But I CAN get in touch with the guy playing Technoblade. (or y'know. I could. Anyways.) So people could start to show up and ask things, and then that became normalized, and then questions that really are rude if you think about it for a second ('what are your feelings on shipping?' why are you bringing up shipping— maybe they don't want to talk about it—in a context where the person can't avoid it?) get followed by the same questions over and over again, and both more petty (what do you feel about scars) and more invasive (how do you feel about age regression?) questions, until it's just a constant barrage of the person being asked to weigh in on things they might wish to not look at! But we're shoving it in their face!

And then this whole thing combines really badly with the parasociality of the fandom, with people feeling like they actually know these streamers and they're friends. You get people cruising Ao3 (a thing the streamers know not to do) going "how would I feel if this was about me, like it's about my friend streamer", and then they go out and send death threats and doxing in the defense of their friend streamer, and you get people writing for the approval of their friend streamer and convincing themselves that their friend streamer really approves of what they're doing and they'd love to read it, and suggesting things like a QSMP fanfic library, and you get people bringing up fanfic to their friend streamer in their chat and comments, both in the sense of "isn't this horrible please condem it" and "isn't this great don't you like it", and in all cases that behaviour, throwing all this information in their faces, is the thing that I think is inappropriate to do to a real person.

Just let them make jokes and play block game. If we're getting a little too into it and wriitng royalty au epics, we should not bring it up to them. This seems straightforward to me.

[variousqueerthings]

i do think one of the things i really enjoy about nu!who is that so many of the doctor's relationships are either established to be -- or retroactively written as in the case of some classic!who returning characters -- Super Intense in a way that cannot be quite nailed down. that ambiguity is key to my enjoyment

some of this is because of nu!who playing alloromantic-chicken -- that is, they kinda wanna do something sexy and romantic, which they see as functionally the same thing, but they veer off to the left at the last second every time (which, fascinating to analyse on its own) -- but that just means that these relationships take on a fascinating tinge of not romantic not platonic but a secret (queer) third thing that is heightened because of the science fiction Element of it all (the doctor is an immortal alien who travels around time and space, functionally forever until the show decides otherwise, while everyone else must eventually leave the show for some reason... except for the master, of course, who has themself defined their relationship as basically a secret third thing in canon... in fucking m*ffat's canon no-less), but it is still grounded in incredibly real human identity concepts and relationship constructs... but... not necessarily on purpose a lot of the time? (donna is on purpose, but would they ever describe it as an aroace qpp... maybe one day, I've just gotta get a one-on-one with rtd or david tennant, they'd get it, I know they would!) (my parasocial relationship with these two consists of me explaining aroace queer philosophy to them and both of them nodding and instantly understanding and telling me how smart I am)

this to say that anyone who does enjoy the alloromantic read of things, can obviously have at it, that's their enjoyment and the show doesn't not say that's a possible read, but it's always interesting to me when the people who don't enjoy it can't read (queerly) outside of their amatonormative box to know/understand that there are a million and one ways that these relationships can be described. there's just... no curiosity there in delving into the actual dynamics, because once something has a will-they-won't-they romantic undertone, any interesting analysis of the actual Bones of what's going on just seems to fly out of the window. it's been cursed by amatonormativity. it is nothing other than Romantic. the end

there's something about the way that amatonormativity actively makes interacting with this show worse (it's the inherent aroaceness of the main character and people not engaging with that read because they either don't know aroaceness exists or they don't think it's a real thing or they don't think it's "actually" queer, and so instead the show is hetero-ized, to the point that people might be shocked that the doctor could call a man hot, because nothing else that could be read as queer -- never mind the onscreen gay shit that's happened already -- is happening in this show, that's... that's what it is). it limits the kind of spaces it can go into and it limits the ability to enjoy the intensity of these relationships for what they are in the text, by simply reading what you don't want into it and then making up a guy to get mad at (the exception may be river song's arc, but even that -- in its own, flawed "river song consistently reads as having no self-esteem when it comes to the doctor and was also groomed from birth to be obsessed with them" kind of way -- goes beyond strictly normative alloromantic allosexual reads)

but this show -- specifically nu!who, because classic!who never allowed that kind of ambiguity in the same way from what I've seen so far/have read, the word "Asexual" meant something different on that show (celibacy, monkhood, the learned scholar, etc) -- has (unintentionally?) offered a smorgasbord of intense, well-written, aromantic and asexual relationship dynamics, all centred around one single character, and people don't see it as an option, because they don't quite... get it... as concept... as a real, human concept, not just a science fiction conceit

anyway, the arguably most easily definable relationships the doctor has are with all the characters one might describe from the doctor's perspective as "proteges/students/ersatz children/grandchild," and that's not to say those relationships are not super intense, it's just a slightly easier dynamic to pinpoint and explain (although i think if, for example, bill had met thirteen that dynamic might have become very muddied very quickly......)

[acesandocs]

So what is Ace doing by the time of the comic?

Thank you for the question @fresh-cup-of-antimatter!

After Ace escaped prison, He grabbed a backpack and hit the road. Traveling east stopping a few places but never staying long, until he ended up in st Louis. To make money he had been participating in back alley fighting matches to make money and at one of these ‘’events’’ a guy who worked at the Lackadisy asked if he’d want a job. This was around half a year before Atlas died. He got into contact with Atlas and he offered her that he'd keep her hidden from the law and out of prison if she started working for him. She said yes, hoping having a stable job and protection was a good change of pace and started working at the Lackdaisy as extra muscle.

Why she stayed after he died is complicated. She doesn't have any education and has so far spent all of her adult life in the criminal underworld. He doesn't really feel like he has many other options. Other that picking up her stuff and hitting the road again and returning to her old line of work, but in a way she she feels like it wouldn't feel much different. He’d still be fighting for money. At least at the Lackadaisy he has some kind of stability, however small it is.

Another reason is Rocky. Ive already mentioned in a previous post that they are on similar wavelengths and would get along great. They'd both probably be surprised that their individual mannerisms didn't put the other off. Rocky probably would be giddy at the prospect of making a real genuine friend, but Ace would have more mixed feelings. She’s so used to pushing most people away intentionality before they can hurt her, and the few times shes let people close its ended not so great. She'd be perturbed at first, maybe avoiding him for a short while while she collected her thoughts. But eventually the high she’d get form getting the one thing she desired (understanding and acceptance) would be to sweet not to savor, and she’d start seeking him out again. Him and rocky have become pretty close over the course of working at Lackadaisy.

When Atlas died Ace's major jobs became security and rum running. Out of her and Rocky she’s only marginally more suited though. She’s strong enough to carry the merchandise and can handle most violent situations but her decision making skills are on par with Rocky’s.

Heres an extra overview of her relationshjip with the rest of the gang.

Atlas: Like most of the crew its complicated. Outside of offering Ace the job they've barely interacted. Ace has a lot of emotions he does not know how to deal with especially when it comes to authority figures. He instinctively wants to be as agreeable and as useful as possible as to avoid ever getting fired. But his relationship with his last boss ended abruptly and violently so theres a lot of unsaid stuff there. And she also does not want to think about it so she projects those feeling of fear and anger onto Atlas, especially after he dies just as abruptly. Its all in all very parasocial.

Mitzy: Similarly to Atlas they never interacted much, so most of what she knows about her comes from her coworkers occasionally talking about her. Other than Rocky who would probably mention her pretty often. In current day they talk more often though its usually only about work. Ace thinks she acts nice but he always has this underlying feeling like shes notreally genuine or putting on some sort of act. Hes never mentioned this to anyone, maybe hes just paranoid.

Viktor: Viktor has a similar opinion of her as he has Rocky, though its more about the fact that they both talk to much than that he thinks she’s inherently dangerous. Though thats more because Ace is better at hiding her bad decision that lead to bodily harm. Or at least not draging them back to the Lackadaisy. Ace is also similarly overly friendly which is a result of Viktor kind of reminding her of her grandpa and that just naturally makes her more at ease around him.

Mordecai: Mordecai might have an intimidating air about him but Ace has seen him freak out at three to many spiders to able to take him completely seriously. Thinks it was shitty of him to shoot Victor ands probably resents him a bit for that.

Wick: Another person he doesn't know well enough to have much of a solid opinion of, but is a hater in solidarity with Rocky. Also thinks anyone who’s hat is that tall has to have some dark secrets hidden in there. (the secrets are duck ghosts)

Ivy: Ace and Ivy get along well. Both are very energetic and with Ace’s skills with a sewing machine Ivy will get Ace to fix her clothes for her. Ivy pays him in dance lessons. She also likes having a girl close to her age at the speakeasy. I think she sometimes forgets Aces gender identity a little bit. Though not maliciously, more because she hasn't met many openly queer people and isnt as used to using multiple pronouns for someone. She’ll get it eventually.

Rocky: See above

Freckle: Freckle is equally as exhausted by her as he is Rocky. The day he met her he felt his heart sink as the phrase ‘oh no, theres two of them’ echoed in his mind. Ace likes him more when hes in a blood rage.

Zib: respects his chill but thinks hes a bit boring to hang out with. Is really interested in what he has to say about music though. Zib thinks he can be a bit much but is happy that with him around Rocky has someone else to talk to that is not Zib.

Horatio: despite Horatio being more relaxed compared to him he likes hanging out with the more timid cat. Ace sneaks him old bread and cookies to give to the rats. Ace likes rats, better that those filthy crows at least. And since Ace sometimes works security they hang out by the door and have had many interesting conversations. Horatio is too polite to react negatively to the weird shit Ace says, Ace know this and has made a game out of finding out where his breaking point is.

combining ocs with cannon is something I have some internalized shame about, thanks brony fandom. But I’ve been steadily working on that since I first posted about Ace. Just generally trying to unlearn cringe culture. Also im feeling like im about to get burn out so im gonna try not making myself draw something for every ask unless i feel like it.

[inchidentally]

please tell me your parasocial theory about the lando effect on his teammates i'll shrivel up like a raisin without it actually

god. I'm gonna try and keep this coherent and not TOO weird. obv this is completely without knowing any of these people personally and it's just me theorizing for fun without any actual private knowledge etc etc !

(I've had to edit the hell out of this bc I don't want to like outright offend anyone since this isn't meant to be super serious at all but I'm mortified at how long it is anyway lol)

so we all know that Lando has always had the whole main character fairytale prince/princess quality that started from taking so incredibly long to finally grow up right up to his version of grown up vacillating between devastating fuckboy to coquette fetish sweetheart. and we all know that Lando is fully aware of how he looks and how he's perceived bc of visible social media presence and interactions and also just being around mirrors. he's stunning and charismatic because he makes no effort to be and there is an aura of destiny and magic around him with whatever he does. but he's always seemed like someone who needs to know what exactly he means to his close friends, mainly guys. in a way that's almost like 'yeah you have a girlfriend but does she accept that I'm ✧Me✧ and not just a Normal Blokey Friend?' or 'will your friends accept that I'm ✧Me✧ or will I have to put up a front?'

the reason Lando's so magnetic to people is because he's a ✧Me✧ but also because he's a ✧Me✧ while being a guy which guys aren't usually secure enough to be ✧Me✧. a lot of guys dress up or play up acting like one but Lando's authentically a ✧Me✧ and not to be classed with guys who are Normal Bloke or Normal Friend. they are very very rare.

to expand on this further and because I have insomnia let's take a walk through our perceptions and occasional facts of fandom observation over the years...

I feel like somewhere in the process of his first few years of F1 Lando went from awkward paddock baby who was probably a fall risk to realizing how incredibly adorable he still was even as a pro racing driver. he was literally everybody's baby (and honestly still kinda is). he was thrown into F1 so young it's not surprising.

I am a diehard carlando fan here so please understand that I'm switching to speaking in real life and not fandom terms (and I prefer fandom terms lol) real life Carlos is 100% hetero to me. my family and friend group are sort of UN levels of diverse and what seems like fruityness in non-American or sometimes non-British men is completely standard for straight dudes outside those countries. straight euro guys in particular flirt and get physical with their bros one way and then have an entirely different type of flirting and physicality with women they're attracted to. I don't think this is the case with Carlos at all but a LOT of these euro dudes can even compartmentalize so well that they're actually homophobic while fully kissing and cuddling with their friends. like I say Carlos doesn't seem at all homophobic but there have definitely been tiny, subtle moments with other drivers or during social media challenges where he's been like 'okay that's far enough for me'. which imo is him drawing boundaries and is totally fair.

AND YET WITH LANDO? Carlos has had a verrrrry hard time classifying Lando up until recently I think. for a while after signing to McLaren it was clear he viewed himself as protector and big brother/uncle to a very skittish and weird child/toddler/pet. then when Lando started to build his F1 personality around Carlos and was able to do some give and take with him, Carlos started to see Lando as a fun little satellite buddy and we got some of their silliest most adorable moments (the squawk laughing and the horseplay etc). but Carlos very much still viewed himself as the superior and Lando was just happy to have someone patient and considerate of him rather than a serious competitor.

to me Carlos and everyone else in F1 shifted how he saw Lando around the time of Daniel showing up on the scene (and Carlos' shock at how upset Lando was when he went to Ferrari). Lando got a LOT more confidence on and off the track from here on and he absolutely saw Daniel as a competitor and gave as good as he got off track too (in a fun way). he was never a satellite of Daniel's like he was with Carlos. he also physically started to grow and appreciate his own beauty and sexuality (not as in his identity but his effect on others sexually). he started dressing more consciously and mixing flirting with cuteness to win people over and play the media. youtuber/streamer Lando began to merge with F1 paddock darling Lando into something new between having Carlos and Daniel as teammates.

I can just tell you right now that a dude like Carlos would have ABsolutely no idea how to classify what Lando was becoming at that point in terms of their friendship. Lando was too pretty and still too small to be considered a Dude and apart from on the race track Lando doesn't have the natural douche-ness of Dudes. but Lando also had an active sex life and women were already crazy for him so he wasn't a child anymore either. since F1 drivers literally for bodily safety reasons can only identify as straight Carlos couldn't even class Lando as a rainbow guy.

personally I think that's when Carlos elevated Lando to Hot Bitch/Great Dude status. Lando can still take roughhousing and stupid jokes but he's also got this intense genderfluid glow that poor straight man brain have a tough time with. so Lando's this still confusing hybrid but one that Carlos accepts and loves.

in such a short time Lando went from notice me senpai over Carlos as a teenager on twitter to showing off how they exclusively hang out outside race weekends and he can breeze into the Ferrari garage like he owns the place. one teammate down :)

obv this whole time Lando has had Max F in his life and I think they've known for a long time that they're the sort of best friends who are also common law married. their gfs have always seemed really good natured about it. (**this will be relevant when Oscar comes up later) before Carlos, Max was very clearly the stronger public personality Lando had latched onto as a kid and stayed that way until about 2020/2021. since then I feel like Max is watching Lando in a kind of proud wiping away a tear and claiming that it's raining way. he was down before he probably knew it :)

honestly I'm not a big fan of Daniel Ricciardo for specific reasons and I've chosen to just edit out what I'd written about him and Lando since I truly don't want to piss anyone off over this pointless post lol. it's enough to say that for all Daniel's cockiness making gay jokes etc I get a lot of joy from the fact that Lando has ended up combining Lewis Hamilton-gender norms are for losers attitude with his own genuine rising stature as a future WDC and basically blew Daniel out of the water in every way. they're absolutely still good buddies but damn, Hot Bitch Lando had Daniel stuttering and staring with how little effort it took for Lando to outshine him, on and off the track. Daniel is usually the one in charge of his F1 relationships but Lando got him fucked. up. and begging.

another teammate down :)

do I even need to go into detail about Oscar . we know so incredibly little about Oscar's real personality yet we fully know that he's been replying to Lando's tweets and watching Lando's content since boarding school in the UK. you can take a tour of just the McLaren youtube content from the 2023 unboxing onward and watch Oscar go from dazed and stumbling over himself to not look a tool in front of Lando to Prema-era humor Oscar being able to banter with Lando.

here's what's different with the Lando/Oscar friendship tho. Oscar came in weirdly grown up for his age bc he'd left home so young and went from boarding school to being set up in his own flat by Mahk Wibbah. he already had a long term girlfriend and after waiting a year for his driver's seat he'd made the extremely ballsy move to publicly decide his own fate in F1. Lando was probably expecting to have a typical rookie on his hands but instead he got someone who's already more emotionally mature and responsible than Lando's other two teammates combined. then Oscar is so incredibly talented that he's pushed Lando to such a massive new level that P3 and P2 and (currently) 4th in the WDC are already losing a bit of their shine. Lando wants the whole thing and in a way he never has up til now. Oscar is a not insignificant part of that.

Lando suddenly has an equal! their age difference is negligible and their competitive level is the same. the fact that Oscar's racing mentality is so vastly different to Lando's is perfect because there'll never be a Lewis/Nico situation. Lando needs to stay within his own head to a certain degree for race weekends and Oscar looks forward to his next opportunity as soon as he's done with one. Oscar even has a much more laid back Max F style sense of humor which means Lando doesn't have to play up and perform as much as he used to for social media shit.

then there was the awful start to the season followed by Lando definitely being shook up by how hot Oscar came in as a rookie. AND YET Oscar has always gone out of his way to celebrate Lando's successes literally no matter how his own performance went. he's never once opted to peace out until needed for media or pictures (or straight up left) after a DNF or finishing poorly. there's this moment from the Dutch GP that breaks my idiot fandom brain bc Lando had just qualified second and Oscar (Q8) is shaking his hand and congratulating him and. idk it feels like one of those 'oh!' moments where Lando realizes Oscar is rooting for him even when they're competing and it's not a one-off nice gesture or bare minimum effort

(which honestly that bare minimum is totally fair in racing and I don't judge drivers who need to lick their wounds, it can take a lot to come out of that adrenaline mindset and be happy for your teammate who is also your competitor).

and that's the thing, Oscar came in already won over by Lando. he simply expects them both to do their jobs well and whatever Lando has to offer outside that is cool with him because Lando is ✧Lando✧. if Lando wants to bring him more into his non-F1 life at some point that would probably be great but Oscar's also got his own stable non-F1 life so it's fine either way! if Lando has other commitments and Oscar needs to step up more with the team then that's fine! I know I've been superlative with this post but like, Lando never needed/needs to do anything at all for Oscar to like him and accept him and root for him. Oscar clearly doesn't feel the need to prove anything to Lando or force the relationship. everyone else is dazzled by Lando or watched him/helped him grow up but Oscar just really Finds Lando Neat and Wants to Be Around Him. he seems to like being bossed around by Lando but he also likes when Lando is being really cool and when Lando is quiet and moody he just waits until Lando wants to be around people again. he's like a cat that proves their devotion to you by remaining in proximity rather than meowing or shoving their face in yours.

so like, part of me feels like Lando saw his new teammate having this whole life(**girlfriend?? but does she accept me as ✧Me✧?) already before even meeting Lando and had no idea how they'd develop a relationship. both Carlos and Daniel had (and still have) very bachelor style lives where a relationship with the current teammate is top priority and everyone else in their life has to deal. work comes first, then work friends, then everything else until the babies are made.

but then Oscar just shows up all content with his grown up life and smiles at Lando all the time and doesn't take anything for granted and respects Lando's space within F1 and McLaren and never complains even about doing things he doesn't like and Lando's like oh! I've already got this one down for the count and I didn't even do anything! nice :)

anyway thank you for asking and I hope this was remotely worth reading aakfgsjgfjgafagla

[animentality]

I'm an Astarion girlie and fandom veteran in general and I would literally rather kms than interact with the VA, that's a bridge I won't cross. The shit I (the girlies) say, he doesn't need to know, man's got enough to deal with

Listen that post was not aimed at all Astarion girlies.

Just the ones who are being parasocial.

If you bite and slobber all over astarion in your own corner, you're good. Draw weird fanart, write weird fanfiction, obsess over all the silly little fictional men all you like, it's just whenever you start being creepy with a real life person who is not your toy that it gets sooooooo weird.

Astarion fans are just such a majority, or maybe just a passionate minority, that they kind of work themselves up into a Frenzy.

They're also the ones I've noticed starting beef with other people, mostly the ascended Astarion girlies who get mad when someone points out that his spawn ending is his good ending and the ascended ending is the one where you objectify him so much that he ends up becoming what you wanted him to be, and not his true self.

Now I don't personally care about that.

Because I'm a Gortash stan and he's way worse, and he doesn't have a good ending, and he's not super redeemable. And I'm not stupid, so I won't bother debating with stupid.

But the arguments and debates, just yeah, ok, stop, calm down.

I get that you love him, but please remember he's not real and harassing real life people out of this weird loyalty to him...is super ugly.

Should not be confusing, but, real people will always matter more than your fake pixelated man.

That includes the voice actor of your fake pixelated man.

I got the tailwind of one of those Astarion hurricanes and it was enough to make me ignore the greater BG3 fandom in general.

That's why I hang out in the durgetash/Gortash corner. Much less people, and no one in here tries to argue that Gortash is actually a great guy.

[olderthannetfic]

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/733656857367003136/post733364183692984320-im-not-this-anon-but?source=share

No. I've been in two different fandoms where there was substantial proof someone had killed themselves for real, and there was no "oh no they're dead!", it was, "I'll reblog some mental health awareness posts for a bit I guess" at most. Even when we had confirmation from one guy's brother that yes, he was dead, yes, that's his real name, please stop DMing me about this, no one was overflowing with sympathy and compassion and tears.

I don't know why people want to play pretend that fandom is this huggy lovey thing but most people don't have deep attachments to writers. To content, yes, but not to content producers. It feels very parasocial to expect that people who you've met met will care about your existence because they liked your writing. I really loved the Guardians of Ga'Hoole books growing up but if the author died I wouldn't be overcome with sorrow, not because I'm a cold stoic badass, but because crying over a stranger is not a normal part of the lived human experience.

At this point this isn't even a 'touch grass' thing it's a 'interact with anyone ever' thing.

--

I'd think it was a pity, but that would be about the extent of it.

You usually see a bit more posting when it's somebody who went to cons and the posters had actually met them.