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lostbutterflyutau · 2 months

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I was tame, I was gentle, 'til the Sohma life made me mean

**As a note, I will not be participating next Monday. I'm preparing for a convention and will not have the time. So instead I'll be focusing on my piece for 05 AUG.**

Anywho, I got stuck on this week's prompt, so I decided to just by pass it and give you part two of The Tortured Sohma Family Department's Head Family Trifecta.

Part two of this trifecta focuses on the deranged, broken side of Akito that resulted from being given power and pressure at a young age in the toxic environment of the Sohma clan and how she begins to rise out of it and take control of her own life.

The who’s who of “who’s that?” Is poised for the attack But my bare hands paved their paths You don’t get to tell me about sad If you wanted me dead You should have just said Nothing makes me feel more alive

In the first verse, Akito is talking about Ren and her supporters. The phrase “who’s who” usually refers to the leaders of a group. However, by saying the “who’s who of who’s that?” She’s saying someone who’s at the top of group of unknowns. Or, in this case, a group no one is really concerned with. Sure, in chapter 115 the head maid says that Akito and the others need to get their shit together because of the “Ren Faction” but I seriously doubt Ren holds any real power considering that power was transferred directly to Akito after her father died. Therefore, Ren is at the top of a group no one’s giving much of a thought to and as we know, is always ready to “attack,” with her harsh words.

However, despite acknowledging in canon that things were breaking, Akito has already made the bet and chosen her path of proving Ren wrong and showing that the bond she’s held to for so long is real. It’s something that Ren finds sad and fruitless, but Akito is essentially telling her to shut up. She knows very well she was unwanted by her mother and would probably rather she just outright admit it and leave it be than play these stupid games. Yet, the idea of “showing off” to and “winning” against that woman fuels her.

So I leap from the gallows And I levitate down your street Crash the party like a record scratch As I scream “Who’s afraid of little old me?” You should be

Historically, gallows were an apparatus for execution by hanging. Obviously, Akito isn’t dead, so taking it metaphorically, I believe the gallows is being used to represent the miserable box Ren wants to force her into, but she just won’t bow down and admit defeat. Akito knows her presence alone irritates Ren. Hell, even before she was born Ren thought her life and relationship were screwed. So, this is Akito acknowledging that while also taunting her, saying that she should watch herself. After all, she is the family head and if she really wanted to, could ultimately ruin Ren’s semi-comfortable life.

The scandal was contained The bullet had just grazed At all costs keep your good name You don’t get to tell me you feel bad Is it a wonder I broke? Let’s hear one more joke Then we could all Just laugh until I cry

The “scandal” here is the breaking of the curse, which no one – except Akito and Kureno – knew about for years. His curse breaking could be considered the bullet that just grazed. It did hurt. And it was the first real moment of Akito having everything she was ever told be put into question. But also, he agreed to stay for her. And they managed to keep it under wraps. So, while it was a metaphorical wound for her, it wasn’t a deep one. Not at the time. And even after, they kept the status quo and let everyone believe Kureno was still part of the zodiac (keeping his “good name” in a sense).

The last line comes in after this and leads into the next verse, when he goes to speak with her after the altercation where Akito throws her the box and ruminates on how she didn’t want to lose to her. But also, that she knows the end is coming.

It creates a through line between the first and second verses. In the first, Akito is digging her heels in and telling herself that the bonds are real and she is special despite Ren’s cruel words. However, she later admits she felt like she had to keep repeating it or she would break, especially after Kureno was freed. And now, the audience is seeing that delusion start to fall apart.

In chapter 118/S3E7, Akito says to Kureno that she wasn’t given another way to live. She doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. It’s not the exact line here, but the spirit of it. And with everything described thus far plus the breaking of the curse, it’s no wonder she starts to break down. And because of her break, when Kureno tells her that she can start learning and living from that point, it’s more like a cruel joke in her mind. Pretty words, as she says. But ones that she thinks come too late.

So I leap from the gallows And I levitate down your street Crash the party like a record scratch As I scream “Who’s afraid of little old me?”

Same chorus. Same spirit. But connecting it with the other verses, I imagine that she’s now lost in her break as she runs from the estate. Literally “leaping” from the confines of it and taking things into her own hands as she makes her way to Shigure’s house and – by proxy – Tohru. She’d always pointed to Tohru as an obstacle in her pursuit of eternity, and literally comes “crashing” in when she suddenly (in Tohru’s POV) appears before her with a knife. She wants to be someone Tohru should be afraid of, even outright tells her that she hates her and how unfair it is that she gets to “destroy” everything Akito knows and still be seen as the good guy before threatening her with the knife.

I was tame I was gentle ‘Til the Sohma life made mean “Don’t you worry folks We took out all her teeth”

I did change a lyric here, but honestly, swapping out “circus” for “Sohma” makes no difference because the family is a circus act.

We see Akito as a child in flashbacks and during one of these, Yuki mentions that while Akito had tantrums, she was overall fairly “normal.” We also get glimpses of her with Kureno. Her telling him that being a bird must be nice with a big smile on her face and another where he comforts her after a bad dream. Then there’s her being so shy and gentle when she approaches Shigure the day he confesses to her. All of it points to her being a relatively stable child, even after her father died. She carried pain, yes. But hadn’t yet started to lash out the way we see in canon. However, once Kureno’s curse broke – something exclusive to the Sohma family – she snapped. She began to see that Ren might be right. But because she can’t let Ren know this, she clings to that bond still, absorbs what the old maid in particular says as she reinforces the idea of Akito being “special.”

At the same time, she’s acknowledging that while this life made her mean, she also has been given very little agency in terms of what was planned out for her (again, see chapter 118/S3E7). Those “teeth?” That’s the power she doesn’t have. She’s head of the family in name only. She can’t even live as the woman she knows she is. It’s ironic, really. While the toxicity and overall structure of the clan and the curse “made [her] mean,” she also realistically has very little agency in her life or over the lives of the Zodiac. By her own admission, I believe she knew she couldn’t hold them down but kept trying to convince herself otherwise.

Who’s afraid of little old me? Well, you should be

You should be (You should be) You should be (You should be) You should be (You should be) You should be

Remember how Akito said she had to keep repeating the same words over and over? This is just that. Repeating the same thing again and again in hopes that it will stick.

So tell me everything is not about me But what if it is? They say they didn’t do it to hurt me But what if they did?

I believe the first two lines to be a reference to the way everyone placated Akito for so long and told her that she could do whatever she wanted to the Zodiac. That when they acted out, they were betraying her, and it wasn’t her fault if she lashed out. It was theirs for betraying her. But she starts to realise over time that it was her doing. She was just never made to take accountability for forcing people to stay. So, it’s her saying, “they say it’s not about me/my fault, but what if it is?” Further adding to the racing thoughts during her breakdown.

Onto the second part, Kureno asks himself in chapter 115 whose fault it is that Akito turned out the way she did at that point in canon. Couple this with Akito asking him three chapters later, “Can you blame me?” in regard to holding so tightly to the box and, by proxy, her father and his words, and we can see where looking for someone to blame comes in. Now, I don’t think anyone in the clan intentionally set out to emotionally damage Akito the way they did. After all, they’re all living under the same toxic structures. But they still did.

Combined, it’s a mix of Akito struggling with the idea that their suffering is her fault and also that growing up in that stifling environment where she had power thrust upon her at a young age (both legally (head of the family) and spiritually (curse)). Like Kureno said, the environment and it’s enablers – including him – have been holding her back and her realising that, realising that all she’s ever known is a farce, is devastating.

I wanna snarl and show you Just how disturbed this has made me You wouldn’t last an hour in the Asylum where they raised me

I see this as the cry for help she never gave out loud. Of wanting to reach out and admit she’s struggling and has been since she was a child. If her interaction with Tohru in chapter 121 is anything to go by, I believe that deep down, she wanted someone to see just her. Just Akito. The person and not the power. It’s her becoming self-aware, and in doing so, wanting to just scream about, well, everything. And really, how many people could last as long as she did in such an environment? Granted, it was all she knew. But the asylum comparison works well because of how, historically, asylums while outwardly being seen as a haven for those with mental illnesses, were often, rife with abuse. The main estate is similar in the sense that it being so insular is meant to make her feel protected and safe, but the truth is that the walls hide years of generational abuse and toxicity.

So all you kids can sneak into my house With all the cobwebs

I’m always drunk on my own tears Isn’t that what they all say?

That I’ll sue you If you step on my lawn

That I’m fearsome And I’m wretched And I’m wrong

Put narcotics into all of my songs And that’s why you’re still singing along

This is a long one, but it all flows together as things that I’m sure Akito has heard some variation of. Mostly from Ren. But here, she’s saying them in earnest. I want to say the first two lines may refer to Isuzu literally sneaking into her room with all the secrets, and being made an example of, and the one incident being used as an in-general warning about trying to uncover further secrets, something that Tohru had also been trying to do.

Then, we pivot into her repeating the things others have said. For someone who is supposedly powerful, who is God, and who keeps all these dark secrets, Akito is, at her core, desperate for connection with others in a way that comes off as pathetic. She wallows in her own misery and projects it onto others, especially when they touch what she considers hers (“if you step on my lawn”). It’s something that people do speak about. There’s a justified fear that the Zodiac members have of her, because of her past actions. To them, she is fearsome, wretched, and wrong. Yet, they keep coming back due to the bond and her words carrying that supernatural power (the “narcotics”). But the way she says it, combined with her thoughts in chapter 117 alludes to the fact that she’s now aware it’s unnatural.

When all put together, it’s her finally admitting that the people around her are right. She’s the cause of so much suffering and for what reason?

So I leap from the gallows And I levitate down your street Crash the party like a record scratch As I scream “Who’s afraid of little old me?”

I feel like there’s something of a sense of relief with this last chorus. That after laying out everything, she’s ready to change things for everyone – including herself. The gallows here again the confines of the estate and the life she was given, but instead of leaving the actual physical environment, it’s leaving behind the toxicity and the expectations to continue it. The old maid even says to Akito in chapter 126 she liked the old version of her better, to which Akito responds that she’s going to change anyway. That’s the “who’s afraid” part here. It’s a warning that, whether the old faction likes it or not, change it coming and they need to prepare for it.

I was tame I was gentle ‘Til the Sohma life made me mean “Don’t you worry folks We took out all her teeth”

This doesn’t change, but to summarise, even if she’s decided to start turning around, it’s still a fact that in childhood she was rather tame and gentle. A tantrum here or there is nothing compared to what we see her doing as a young adult. But then Kureno’s curse broke, all she knew was questioned and that, compounded with her never probably grieving her father and holding tight to his words plus all the weight put on her as head of the family and a special being warped her way of thinking. Meanwhile, despite this “means” she was largely stripped of her agency and the privilege of wanting to live her life how she wanted for a long time.

Who’s afraid of little old me? Well you should be (You should be) You should be (You should be) You should be

Again, we’re leaning into Akito’s tendency to repeat things over and over like a mantra, but this time as that warning that change is coming.

‘Cause you lured me And you hurt me And you taught me You caged me And then you called me crazy I am what I am ‘cause You trained me

In the last verse, Akito is finally addressing those in the household who enabled her. There’s nothing but truth here. She became the way she did because it’s what she was trained to be. They gave her the life she lived for the first 20 or so years of her life and hurt her development in the process. She was constantly heralded as special as both God and the family head and put into a box of expectations and told how to live her life. And when she finally decides to break that, she’s still seen as a problem. But regardless, she still decides to go on, as seen the ending verses.

So who’s afraid of me? So who’s afraid of little old me? Who’s afraid of little old me?

#Fruits Basket #Fruits Basket manga #Fruits Basket 2019 #Fruits Basket Mondays #Fruits Basket Mondays 2024 #Fruits Basket Mondays Summer 2024 #Akito Sohma #No Prompt #Essay #Personal essay #Lyrical Analysis #The Tortured Sohma Family Department #Part two #Taylor Swift #Taylor Swift TTPD #This album is about Furuba #Change my mind

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