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majestyeverlasting · 5 months ago

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𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐢𝐭 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐬 | 𝐣𝐨𝐞𝐥 𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐫

Pairing Joel Miller x Daughter Reader

Summary For years, you’ve survived tethered to Joel’s side, haunted by the loss of your sister and scared to step outside of his shadow. So when he bonds with the girl he’s tasked to smuggle, it strains your complicated relationship—until the threat of losing him forces you to confront just how much he means to you [angst, fluff, 5.4k].

A/N This is some of my favorite prose I've written recently. Daughter!reader is a new dynamic for me, but it was such a rewarding writing experience. Thank you to the anon who sent this request in. I hope you all enjoy.

∘°∘♡∘°∘

𝐒𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆

It’s cold outside today. If the draft sneaking in through the windows isn’t enough to let on, the sky itself is an undeniable sign. There’s no blue, no clouds that can be distinguished from the next. The entire expanse is a pale white sheet. As if the heavens have decided to shield earth from its view because of how far it’s fallen.

Nevertheless, life in the Boston Quarantine Zone labors on. Day after soulless day, rain or shine. Like a well-oiled machine who’s battered parts of flesh and blood refuse to lay down and die.

The glass of the living room window is cool against your forehead as you gaze outside. Everything is dull. Brick, metal, concrete, and endless earthtones constitute the expanse of buildings that seemingly stretch for miles. However, after having explored every corner of this walled city, you know it’s finite. A mere portion of a much larger world trying to find its footing again.

The people walking on the sidewalks below look small from the height of your apartment. All seeming to move on a droning autopilot, clad in worn clothes that likely belonged to ten other people before them.

With a sigh, you step away from the window and plop back down on the couch. The coffee table is cluttered with stained, old papers and trinkets, but you reach for the stack of Polaroids you’d previously been flipping through. Each photo and caption transports you back to a past moment in time...

tea for two ♡ March 13, 2003

A day that seems closer than it actually is, now confined to a single, glossy frame. The white border has faded to beige and the picture itself no longer bears its original saturation. In it, you and Sarah are wrapped in each other’s arms, dressed like princesses for the tea party you invited her to.

You were her three-year-old shadow, and even though you got on her nerves half the time, she found it hard to say no to you. Everybody in the Miller household did.

lake day!!! July 4, 2003

A sunny day. You, Sarah, and Joel are squinting into the light but smiling, your backs to the lake. Later that night, according to Joel’s retelling, you cried because of the colorful, celebratory explosions bursting amid the night sky.

dad’s getting old (jk ily dad) September 26, 2003

Joel’s smile is shy as he sits at the kitchen table with a cone birthday hat on his head. Sarah was the one behind the lens while you clung to her leg, both you and Tommy making goofy faces in hopes of making Joel smile wider.

He turned thirty-six that day. By that evening, everything had changed. Not just because of the outbreak, but because Sarah, who had been a light in so many of the photos, was gone too. A few months after her fourteenth birthday, no less.

It feels strange being twenty-three now. An age she never got to see—

The faint metallic clinking of a belt being fastened prompts you to curiously stand to your feet. After setting down the photos, you saunter to the hallway, where there’s a straight view to Joel’s bedroom. The door is cracked, and warm lamplight pours out to light the end of the hall. With each step closer you take, the old, wooden floorboards creak.

When you make it to the door, you rap your knuckles against it a few soft times. There’s shuffling on the other side.

You knock again when there’s no response. “Dad?”

“What’s up?” he doesn’t say it in a clipped, annoyed way so you know he hadn’t heard your previous knocking.

“Can I come in?”

He’s quiet for a beat. “I’m finishing up getting dressed. But yeah.”

Inside, the bed still isn’t made. He’s standing in front of the full body mirror leaning against the wall. The paint of the gold trim around it is peeling, revealing the dark aluminum beneath. The glass itself is a bit foggy with stubborn grime that refuses to be scrubbed away. And right in the middle, at the same height that Joel stands, is a sizable spiderweb crack that makes his face look fragmented unless he bends down or shifts to either the left or right.

Right now, he doesn’t seem to mind the distortion of his face, more interested in assessing his clothes. When you step up behind him, a little to the right, your entire body looks whole. Face and all.

His eyes briefly flick to you as he continues to button the rest of his olive colored shirt. When he’s finished, he sucks in his stomach and pushes down the waistband of his dark jeans to rest at a more comfortable place on his hips.

It isn’t until then that you notice a small portion of the back of his shirt is flipped up, the fabric thick enough to hold its place. You reach out to smooth it down. Joel hums in realization.

“Thanks,” he mumbles.

“Yep,” you murmur. “I thought you were off today.”

Turning around and brushing past you, he sits in the accent chair to put on his boots. A grunt escapes him with the effort of leaning down. You watch as his thick, battered fingers fumble with the laces until they produce two neat bows. He sits back with a sigh when he’s done, running a hand through his fluffy, silvering hair.

“I’m meeting with Marlene,” he says. The way you frown tells him that’s not a good thing, or nearly enough information. “Tess will be there too. It’s looking like we might be able to get that car battery we need to set out for Tommy.”

You process that information with a slow nod. The idea of finding him feels elusive these days.

A few weeks ago, Marlene told Joel she knew a couple guys who could provide resources. At various points in the months prior, she claimed the very same thing. Every promise she made fell flat because those said contacts either died or backed out of the negotiation. Yet, Joel held out hope every time.

It used to be you who accompanied him whenever he went to meet with Marlene, but it’d gotten to the point where you couldn’t bring yourself to believe her or stand seeing her face.

But Joel still did. For the sake of his own conscience. For Tommy.

After standing from the chair, he fishes into his back pocket for a red cardstock meal card. When you reach out to take it from him, he doesn’t let go, instead opting to look directly into your eyes.

“Want you to meet us for lunch at the northern dining commons at noon. We should be done by then,” he says, waiting for you to nod so he knows you’re tracking.

“Don’t leave before then, alright? It’s getting crazier out there. Don’t know if it’s ‘cause summer’s coming or what.”

“I won’t,” you insist.

When you try to take the card again, he holds onto it just for the sake of coaxing a smile out of you. It doesn’t quite meet your eyes, but it’s enough to tie him over for now. He lets go of it just as you’re in the middle of pulling, and the lack of resistance makes you stumble backwards. The sound of amusement he huffs out earns him a light punch to the shoulder.

“I mean it, though.” He points a finger. “Don’t leave till it’s time, alright? We’ll fill you in on everything then.”

Rolling your eyes, you follow him back out into the living room. “I already said I wouldn’t.”

“Well, reiterating is my job.”

Those are the words he leaves you with before heading out the door.

A few hours later, when the clock strikes twelve, you’re eating at the dining commons alone. Anxiousness prickles beneath your skin. You soothe yourself as chatter and the clinking of silverware float up all around you…

Everything’s fine. Joel’s alright. Tess is alright. Just finish eating and go home.

•••

Sunset paints the sky that evening. The clouds that lingered all day have finally made way for an expressionist ombre of blue, pink, and orange. It's beautiful in a way that would’ve been worth photographing once upon a time.

All you can think about is the fact that Joel hasn’t returned.

A little past seven, voices arise in the hallway. They’re hushed and somewhat frustrated, one of them undeniably belonging to Joel. By the time keys hastily begin jingling in the door, you’re popping to your feet from the couch. A second later, it swings open with enough force that it hits the neighboring wall.

“Get inside,” Joel orders. You can’t see him from where you’re standing.

You can’t see anybody.

“I don’t have to keep listening to you,” quips a tight, youthful voice. “Whatever happened to stranger danger?”

“Move, Ellie,” Joel says. “Before I make you.”

A young girl wearing a backpack trudges into the apartment with a scowl. After looking around the bleak accommodation, her eyes settle on you. The air falls silent. You note the wispy flyaways escaping her short ponytail, the slight redness to her eyes like she’s been either crying or rubbing them.

Ellie sizes you up in return. You can see it in the calculated rove of her dark gaze, the way she squares her shoulder to match your guardedness.

She eventually whips her attention back to Joel. “Who the hell is she?”

“Told you I didn’t live alone.” That’s all he gives her before redirecting his attention to you. He seldom reveals the entirety of what he’s feeling in a given moment, but you can see the guilt weighing down on his shoulders. “I—”

“You missed lunch.”

He runs a heavy hand down his face. “I know.”

The girl looks between the two of you with owl-like attentiveness that borders on amusement. At least she wasn’t the only one having a shitty day. Outside, shouting voices arise in the distance. Glass bottles break.

“Dad. You wanna tell me what’s going on?”

Ellie’s eyes widen at the revelation.

Joel doesn’t say anything because you’re staring daggers straight into his very being.

“I’m immune to the virus,” she speaks up. There’s a hint of pride in her tone, like she’s looking past the present to some undefined future in which she saves the world.

“He’s gonna take me to the people who can find the cure. Then you guys are gonna go find Timmy or whatever—Tommy.”

It’s an oversimplification, but Joel doesn’t have the energy to expound right now. Not when you look like you would lunge for him if it wasn’t for the girl.

•••

Later that night, he sees the first shove coming. Your eyes darken until you’re no longer able to constrain your frustration to a mere look. It frustrates you all the more when he doesn’t budge. So you do it again, pushing both your hands straight into his chest.

All he does is take a single step backwards to create distance, hands raised in surrender. The fact that he isn’t reacting makes more heat consume your face.

Until, finally, he grabs your wrists.

“Are you done acting like a child?” he asks.

“As soon as you quit treating me like one,” you bark. “All you do is give orders and break promises, and I’m supposed to keep following you around like a dog.”

“I don’t see any shackles.”

“Because it’s you,” you retort, attempting to pull away from his light hold. “You’re the shackles, the prison guard, and the key.”

Those words make him drop your wrists as if you’ve stung him with poison. He takes a seat on the edge of his bed and drops his head into his hands with a heavy sigh. The mattress creaks under his weight. In the new silence, you stand and stare at him as your breaths even out.

Neither of you are aware that Ellie has her ear pressed to the other side of the bedroom door, listening.

When he lifts his head, only then are you aware of how tired and worn down he looks. His hair is more disheveled than it was this morning. The same hair you used to playfully run your fingers through and litter with sparkly hair clips. Except now, his face is void of a smile.

“I’m sorry about lunch, alright?” His dark eyes search yours for any inkling of forgiveness. He knows he scared you. That’s what’s beneath your anger. “I didn’t know I was gonna get held up like that.”

Joel Miller was a lot of things, but a pushover wasn’t one of them.

If he really wanted to, he could’ve at least come to the dining commons to explain. Or ignore Marlene’s request entirely, and force her to find someone else to smuggle the girl. Even Tess had refused to involve herself in the escape plan because she feared it would be all risk and no reward.

“What happens if these guys turn out to be dead too?” You ask Joel, voice softer than before. “What if this is yet another exchange that falls through?”

He knows you have a point. He also knows he has a brother out there miles away who recently sent him a signal.

“If there’s a chance, I gotta take it,” he says. “And if we get out there and nobody’s waiting for us, we’re heading to Wyoming anyway.” He meets your gaze.

You swallow and blink in surprise. “Really?”

“I’m done waiting around for the right time,” he says, voice low but firm. “It’s never gonna come. Gotta forge it ourselves.”

He sounds sure. Right now, you could use something to believe in. And if nothing else, a change of scenery from the city walls you’ve been confined within for far too long.

•••

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐄𝐑

𝐈.

The Capitol Building is empty when you arrive, no sight of the men who were supposed to take Ellie and give you and Joel the supplies you need to carry on. For a while, the three of you linger hopefully on the inside, where grass grows through the chipped marble floors. The only people who eventually arrive are ridden with the virus, their rotting bodies infested with fungus from the inside out.

You promptly flee the scene after swallowing disappointment like a pill.

𝐈𝐈.

The front door of Bill and Frank’s house is unlocked when you arrive in the desolate suburbia. Dead grass and tall weeds constitute the yard. The flower beds out front have long wilted. That’s enough for you to know that they’re either dead or gone. Joel pushes into the house anyway, with you and Ellie trailing behind. Bill left a note behind. They’re dead. Ellie asks questions about them that Joel thoughtfully answers.

The three of you take turns showering, then leave.

𝐈𝐈𝐈.

By early August, the trio feels more like a unit, having been bound together by shared letdowns and long nights under the stars. Some days, you don’t know where you are until coming across specific landmarks or recognizable cliffs. You and Joel teach Ellie how to shoot because she wouldn’t stop begging. Most days, as you’re making progress towards Wyoming, it’s the two of you trailing behind Joel, who often shoots unreadable glances over his shoulder to make sure you’re keeping up.

Sometimes he lets down his walls to offer a small smile.

•••

𝐅𝐀𝐋𝐋

All around, tall trees stretch towards the sky, bearing vibrant leaves beginning to change colors. Every so often, a breeze rolls through and ruffles them. The same mourning dove has been calling out into the wind with no response in return. It’s a tune that filled the mornings of your childhood back when you were on the road to Boston with Joel. You hadn’t heard it much since.

Twigs and leaves crunch beneath your boots as you squat to lower your fingertips into the creek. The water is cool against your skin, and clear enough to see the rocks at the bottom. When you stand up, you startle at the sight of Ellie standing a few yards away. She takes a few apologetic steps back, almost tripping over herself.

Further away, Joel sits with his back propped against a tree as he reorganizes the contents of his backpack.

“Jesus, El,” you sigh, pressing a hand to your chest over your heart.

Ellie no longer seems sure of her reason for approaching you. There were times when she didn’t look her age—whether it be her stare or the way she carried herself—but this wasn’t one. Now, an air of self-consciousness surrounds her, like she’s caught between knowing nothing and everything all at once.

“I didn’t mean to scare you. I thought you heard me,” she rushes out. There’s a pang of guilt when you realize she thinks you’re angry.

“No, it’s fine,” you insist, softening your tone. “I’ve just been in my head.”

She nods and feels more comfortable to step up alongside you.

“I’ve seen those pictures you’ve been looking at.” She continues when you don’t say anything, “Was that your sister?”

Neither you or Joel have brought her up, but your silence is an answer.

“What was she like?”

“I don’t remember much.”

Only bits and pieces. The larger gaps have been filled in by Joel over the years. He never talks about Sarah at length, but sometimes he’ll see something or you’ll make an expression that reminds him of her. That usually prompted him to tell a short story. Oftentimes, without meeting your eyes because he was too busy trying to busy his restless hands. Talking about her always makes him fidget.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I know what it’s like to lose someone.”

Ignoring her, you ask, “Did Joel say when we were gonna start back hiking?”

Embarrassed, Ellie clears her throat and shakes her head no. “Why do you use his first name like that?” You almost hadn’t realized.

“Force of habit.” Her brows have furrowed in confusion, so you explain, “Half the time, people in the QZ only listened to me when I threw his name in the mix. It holds a lot of weight among certain groups these days.”

“Like he’s the boogeyman or something?”

You allow a small chuckle to escape at her words. She feels like it earns her a place back in your good graces. Pride glimmers in the grin that stretches across her face.

“Something like that,” you agree.

The familiar crunch of leaves rises as Joel makes the short venture over to the two of you. When he sees the fleeting smiles on your faces, he clears his throat and waits to see if he’ll be invited into whatever small moment of amusement had arisen. He seems to have just missed it.

“Speaking of the devil,” Ellie says,

Joel frowns, remaining quiet as he walks up to the edge of the creek. He stares into the bottom for a few thoughtful seconds. Both of you watch as he squats down to splash his face with water, humming with refreshment.

Ellie no sooner moves to copy him. She laughs, a bubbly surprised sound, as she stands with her face dripping and eyes squeezed shut.

“Wait, how do I—”

“Use your shirt,” Joel quips lightly.

“Oh, yeah!” She uses her shirt to dry her eyes just as he had.

The chuckle that rumbles through Joel’s chest is a sound you haven’t heard in a while. It makes you stand up straighter, unconsciously shifting his way as if the sound has the power to heal that part of you that misses him even when he’s within reach. Misses how things were before he grew hard and consumed with the need to survive.

You didn’t fault him for it, though.

What’s become increasingly clear, however, is that need was born as much out of spite as it was out of the pure, unadulterated will to live. The end of the world took Sarah, and to Joel, ensuring the two of you endured no matter what was his fuck you to the universe. His proof that everything he cared about couldn’t be ripped from his hands. It was a muddled labor of love.

But right here, right now, he’s laughing. Not urging silence or trying to instill a survival lesson. He’s letting the moment wash over him for what it is. There you stand watching the two of them like a mere onlooker frozen in place. The entire scene is reminiscent of a different time. A different Joel.

Something heavy and bitter settles in your stomach at the sight of their twin smiles.

“Are you gonna try it?” Ellie asks like she’s referring to some grand experience.

“It’s just water,” you say flatly.

Face falling, Ellie looks to the ground as if the bridge connecting you two had been burned yet again. Something protective flares in Joel’s chest.

He gives you a pointed look. “You feelin’ alright?”

“I’m great. Grand even.”

The air shifts, levity disappearing like a vapor. All three of you can feel it.

“Let’s keep moving then.”

For weeks, you keep it moving. Through rain, shine, and snow. The closer you get to Wyoming, the further away you drift from Ellie and Joel. Like you’re the corner piece of an island that’s been chipped away from the larger landmass.

𝐖𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑

Arriving at the Jackson commune does little to mend things back to the way they were. Some days pass by with more conversation and laughter between the three of you than others. Coming here had been the very thing you longed for, right alongside Joel. But tonight, as you fold clothes at the secondhand store where you volunteer, you wonder what there is to dream about now.

You don’t know what you like or want. You were so young when the outbreak began that Joel’s practices and motivations became your own. You don’t know where he ends and you begin, and the inability to distinguish makes a part of you resent him.

The bells above the door jingle as Ellie enters with her backpack slung over her shoulder. Half of her hair is pulled into a ponytail, while the other falls in loose waves just past her shoulders. For once, it looks like she brushed it properly.

You see more of her than Joel these days.

“Hey, I’m gonna go over to Dina’s,” she says as she pads over to you. “Joel’s not home yet so I figured I’d come tell you.” She absentmindedly runs her hand over the cashmere sweater you’d folded minutes prior to her arrival.

You set down the pair of jeans you just finished folding. “He’s not?”

“No,” she says, unphased. “Probably went straight to the dining hall.”

A dull, gnawing sense of worry arises in your chest. Ellie can’t see it or feel it herself, still tending to believe Joel was somehow invincible. That every time he went out for patrol, he was bound to return because that’s what he’d proven to her so far.

“Be safe, okay?” you tell her. “Thanks for letting me know.”

When she leaves, you head to the store owner in the back room. He’s rummaging through a huge box of donated items.

“Hey, Stewart?”

There’s a click as two glasses knock into one another. “Goddammit—what?” He straightens up to turn around and face you.

He has a head full of wiry gray hair and his glasses are crooked on his nose. There’s a light sheen of sweat beading on his forehead.

“You alright back here?” you tease lightly. He grumbles and waves you off. “Would it be okay if I clocked out early? Natalie and Craig are out there, so you’ll still have help until closing.” It’s been pretty slow this evening anyways. No chance a random rush would occur.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever you want, kid.” He huffs and looks back down at the box. “I’ll see you on Thursday.”

“You’re the best, Stew.” You flash him a playful smile.

Outside, you shiver at how cold it’s grown. Crossing your arms over your chest does little to alleviate the creeping chill. The first snow of the season has yet to fall, but you can feel it lingering in the crisp air. Nevertheless, Jackson Hole is buzzing. People of all ages flit in and out of shops and gathering spaces. Everywhere you look, there’s a friendly face, if not an actual friend.

This time of year, the entire commune is reminiscent of those cute Christmas village displays. Plush wreaths with red bows hang on wooden posts, and colorful fairy lights shine all around. The most activity buzzes over at the dining hall. Families talk and laugh on the benches outside, and you can see people walking around inside through the windows.

As you head that way, the two men standing on the patrol office porch capture your attention. It was probable that Joel was inside either logging or assessing his hours.

When you make it to the building, you recognize the taller man as Cameron, someone who often partnered with Joel because they had the same, collected, no-nonsense way about them. They automatically nod to you in greeting, but their lips are set in firm lines like they have news you don’t.

You offer a shaky smile back as a lump forms in your throat, “Evening.”

Your heart rate speeds up as Cameron opens the door for you. Inside, six men stand circled around Tommy, who’s tone is firm as he talks with his hands. Some have rifles slung over their shoulders, and others have pistols on their hips. Standing among the group is Lyle, a younger guy who was scheduled to be Joel’s partner today.

The only person missing is Joel.

You allow your eyes to rove over the plaques, portraits, and retired weaponry decorating the walls as you await the end of Tommy’s lecture.

“Let what happened out there today be a lesson—” Tommy stops talking when his eyes fall on you, and other heads turn to look your way. A few throats are cleared, necks are scratched.

“Hold on a second, fellas.” He breaks out of the circle and heads towards you, cowboy boots clunking against the wood floorboards. There’s a rifle draped across his body like he’s ready for action.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he says softly, reaching out to squeeze your shoulder. He doesn’t have to say anything for you to gather what this meeting is all about. Everybody has discretely turned to look at the two of you.

“Tommy…”

“Why don’t we step outside for a second, yeah?” He places a gentle hand at the small of your back to guide you back out into the cold. Cameron and his buddy slip inside out of respect for your privacy.

“What’s going on, Tommy?”

He wrestles with how to answer. You see it in his dark eyes, the way he shifts his stance. His cheeks are a bit flushed.

“Joel hasn’t made it back,” he breathes. “Lyle made it in without him around an hour ago. Said they ran into some disgruntled nomads and got split up,” he says. “Got a few people out looking for him now, and I’m about to go out myself.”

How foolish you’ve been acting these past several weeks hits you all at once. Everything from purposely distancing yourself from Joel, to occasionally ignoring him whenever he tried to ask how you’ve been—you’d made a point to be away from the house as much as possible. Most of all, it’d been foolish to pretend he wasn’t one of the only people in the world you wouldn’t be able to live without.

A stinging sensation pricks in your eyes, but no tears form. You don’t have it in you to cry. Helplessness crashes down on you in the form of frustration.

“What do you mean came back without him?” you ask. “What good are patrol partners if they’re just gonna leave you behind—”

“Hey. Hey.” Tommy looks at you intently. His eyes are so much like Joel’s that you look away. “This ain’t the time to be pointing fingers, alright? When you’re out there like that and shit hits the fan, you don’t know how you’ll react.”

“Definitely not by leaving my partner behind.”

Joel had never left you behind. Things had gone sideways time after time again, but you managed to remain by each other’s side.

Worry radiates off of you in waves.

“I’m worried out my ass too,” Tommy admits, trying to assure you. “But judging other people ain’t gonna bring him back any faster,” he says.

When you release a heavy exhale and slink your head down, Tommy steps forwards to wrap his arms around you.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he promises. “You eaten dinner yet?”

“I’ll probably throw up if I do.”

He pulls away to look at you under the soft glow of the porchlight. “Let’s at least try to get a little something in your system, okay? I’ll walk you over to the dining hall.” Tommy guides you that way, and everything around you seems to fade in and out as you walk.

Tommy’s words manage to break through to you, “I know my brother. He’ll make it back one way or another,”

He always did. Maybe a bite to eat didn’t sound so bad.

•••

The unyielding weight of your nerves forces sleep to find you when you make it home. Not in your bed, but on the couch as you sit and wait for Joel’s return. Worrying has taken a lot out of you.

Creaky footsteps arise out on the porch. Then the lock clicks. Neither of which you register. By the time Joel is walking in through the front door, your eyes flutter open. There’s a slight sway to his stride like he’s favoring one leg. Other than that, he’s still in one piece. You’re on your feet in an instant, ignoring the crick in your neck.

“Oh my god, Dad—thank god.”

Joel stops in his tracks as you hurry over to him. He lets you look him over as if he’s a child who just fell off a bike.

“Hey, sweetheart,” there’s a rasp to his voice.

Relief is written all over your face. It’s the most interest you’ve shown in him in weeks, but he’s grateful for it anyways. He’s grateful for any mind you’re willing to pay him.

There’s so much you want to say—I thought I lost you, don’t scare me like that again, I love you—but none of it comes out. Instead, it’s all packed into the way you step forward to throw your arms around him.

But even hugging him doesn’t bring you close enough.

Luckily, he’s so tall and broad that you settle for the feeling of being safe, cocooned in his arms. He squeezes you, not in the playful way that used to be a means of making you smile, but in a way that solidifies his presence. Assures you that he’s never going to let go. That you don’t have to worry about living without him.

As your tears wet his shirt, he doesn’t ease up or pull away. He remains constant like he’s been throughout your entire life, even on the days you thought you wanted him to disappear.

He presses a lingering kiss to the top of your head and you’re overcome with warmth.

“I love you to pieces,” his voice is low and thick with sincerity. “So much it hurts.”

It’s you who reluctantly pulls away to look up into his eyes.

“I love you too,” you murmur, cheeks glistening with tears.

The tears gathered in his eyes finally spill over. He doesn't turn away or tilt his head back in an attempt to fend them off. They simply roll down his cheeks at your words. You can’t recall seeing him cry since Sarah passed away. Guilt, sympathy, and gratitude swell in your chest. For the years he’s been strong for the both of you, for everyone who’s ever leaned on him in a time of need. He never made it look hard.

“Thank you,” you whisper. “For everything. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry—”

“As long as you’re safe, I can handle being ignored.” He manages a small, sad smile. “It ain’t easy growing up during the end of the world.” Few things ever were.

“It’s a little easier with you.”

“Just a little?” He asks lightly.

Both your smiles grow, and as you step back into his arms, every gripe and the chaotic events of the evening fade away.

Thank you so much for reading! Likes, comments, and reblogs are always appreciated. I promise I see them all.

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cokoladasljesnjakom · 1 month ago

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WHEN YOU’RE LOST IN THE DARKNESS

summary: the world went to hell. to say at least. a man lost his daguhter, the only person that kept him alive, and then? boom! all of the happines he had? thrown in the water. same happened for the two young girls. lost both of their parents to infection. what will happen when the man and two young girls meet the paths? will they kill eachother or somehow get closer? guess we'll find out.

joel miller x platonic! reader, ellie williams x older sister! reader

word count: 18k (im sorry)

warnings: outbreak!, zombies, heavy angst, major character deaths, PTSD, panic attacks,guns, knives, a lots of blood, gore, attempts of su!c!de, se*ual ab*se and attempts, tears, cann*ball, anxiety and lots of it.

a/n: first off i wanna say, that i made myself cry with this, let alone watching the gameplay AND the show itself. i had this on my mind lately and it irked me so much i had to get it off my chest. this is a series if you havent noticed! i put my soul and my heart into this. putting myself into their shoes and tbh? i felt it. anyway! enjoy reading.

masterlist haunting past (oneshot)

BOSTON, NEW YORK, AUGUST 2006.

Two years had passed since the outbreak, since the world as they knew it fell apart. That was the day everything changed. The day Anna made the decision that would alter the course of her life—she chose to keep her baby, Alex.

When Anna told others, their eyes turned cold with judgment. How could anyone even think of raising a child in such a world? Why would anyone bring a baby into the chaos that had engulfed the world? The whispers were relentless, but Anna never wavered.

Instead, those whispers only fueled her love for Alex. And when Alex was born, Anna’s heart swelled with a love she hadn’t known was possible, even in a world that had been reduced to dust. Despite the chaos, Alex was the one thing that kept Anna grounded, the one thing that made the world feel like it still had some light in it.

As Alex grew, she became aware of the sounds that filled their nights—loud, haunting screams that pierced the silence, the growls of infected just outside their door. And every day, she'd wake up to find her mother’s arms wrapped tightly around her, keeping her safe from the horrors outside.

But being a Firefly, especially with a child, was never easy for Anna. Even with her boyfriend Kyle by her side, she often felt like the only parent in the relationship. Kyle and Anna would argue almost every night before one of his missions. The fights weren’t always about big things, but the little things—the words, the harsh tones, the way they shouted at each other—it all cut deep. It hurt more than either of them could admit.

Before the outbreak, their relationship had been simple. Yeah, they had their disagreements, but they never felt like this. There was a tension now, a weight to every word they said, and it was taking its toll.

One evening, while Anna was putting Alex to bed, the shouting began again. Alex, clutching a small, worn-out toy in her tiny hands, heard the voices raised in anger. The sound of her parents’ fight made her chest tighten, and tears welled up in her wide eyes.

Anna’s heart broke as she saw Alex’s tears. She immediately knelt down in front of her, scooping her up into her arms, murmuring softly, “Shh, baby, it’s okay. Mommy’s here. You’re safe.”

Kyle froze, his eyes meeting Alex’s with a flash of guilt. He hadn’t realized how much his anger affected her, and the shock of seeing his little girl so scared hit him harder than he expected. Without another word, he grabbed his jacket, walked to the door, and slammed it behind him as he left the apartment. The loud bang of the door closing made Anna jump, and Alex flinched in her arms.

Anna looked down at her daughter, her heart aching as she saw Alex’s small hand reach up to gently touch her cheek. Despite the tears that still clung to Anna’s eyes, Alex smiled up at her, a small, innocent smile that broke Anna’s heart all over again.

“Mama no cry,” Alex whispered, her little hand brushing away Anna’s tears. “Make mama happy.”

Anna smiled through her tears, pressing a kiss to Alex’s forehead. “I’ll always be happy with you, baby,” she whispered, her voice barely audible as she held her close, the weight of the world pressing down on her shoulders but, for a moment, forgetting everything except the warmth of her daughter in her arms.

Three years later, not much had changed. Anna, Alex, and Kyle still lived together in the Boston QZ, in the same apartment Marlene—Anna’s childhood friend—had secured for them years ago. But this time, something was different.

Anna, now six months pregnant, waddled carefully toward the kitchen, one hand resting on her belly. Another baby. They didn’t know the gender, but it didn’t really matter. All that mattered was that the baby was healthy.

“Mama! Dada!” Alex’s little feet pattered against the floor as she ran toward them, gripping a squeaky toy in her small hands. Her face lit up with excitement as she waved it around. “Got new toy for baby! Now baby and me play when she come!”

Her toothy grin was infectious, and Anna and Kyle couldn’t help but exchange a glance before laughing together.

“Wow! That is so cool, baby!” Anna said, crouching down with a hand on her belly. She steadied herself by holding onto Kyle, then reached out to gently run her fingers through Alex’s hair.

Kyle noticed Anna struggling, so without hesitation, he scooped Alex up into his arms, settling her into his lap before helping Anna sit down beside him.

Alex giggled, wrapping her little arms around Kyle’s neck and planting a kiss on his cheek. “Love Dada so much!” she announced before turning to her mom with a bright smile, waving her hands excitedly. “And love Mama too!”

Anna’s heart swelled. She leaned in, kissing Alex’s forehead as Kyle held them both close.

For a moment, the outside world didn’t matter.

TWO MONTHS LATER -

Night had fallen, and with it came the same routine. Another mission. Another night where Kyle had to leave with the Fireflies. And another night where Anna had to stay behind, waiting.

"Why do you have to go?" Anna whispered, her arms tightening around him as if holding on hard enough could make him stay.

Kyle sighed, pressing a soft kiss to her lips before resting his forehead against hers. His hands cradled her face like she was the most fragile thing in the world. "You know I have to. It’s my turn to do the shit we volunteered for."

Tears welled in Anna’s eyes as she buried her face into the crook of his neck, breathing him in. Gunpowder, grime, and leather—his scent. The one thing that made her feel safe. The one thing that told her he was still here.

"But you don’t have to," she murmured, her voice barely above a breath. "There are others now. You don’t have to go." She pulled back just enough to look into his eyes, pleading. "I need you here. Alex needs you here. The baby needs you here. You can’t just go. What if something happens? What if the smugglers get you? What if—"

Kyle cut her off the only way he knew how. His lips crashed against hers, desperate and deep, like this was the last time he’d ever get to taste her. Because maybe it was.

He memorized the way she felt in his hands, the way her body fit against his. But even as he lost himself in her, his mind drifted—to Alex. To his little girl. God, he loved her so much it physically hurt. If he could rip his own heart out just to make sure she never had to cry, he would.

Tears streamed down his face as he pulled away, his hands still cupping Anna’s cheeks.

His voice was raw, shaky, but sure.

"I love you." His thumb brushed away a tear trailing down her skin. "I love you so much it makes my heart hurt. I love you so much it drives me crazy. To the point where I’d tear myself apart just to be near you."

A small, broken smile tugged at his lips. "I love you on your bad days. When you throw shit at me, when you scream at me over stupid things I did. I love you because you’re you. I love you because you’re the mother of our children. I love you."

looking at him with the purest pook she ever gave him, she broke down. sobbed so much it hurt her to breathe. her chest felt so heavy, it felt like her lungs were caving in on itself, and every breath she took, felt like it was last.

the fear of loosing him, coiled in her stomach making her feel sick everywhere. 'what if he hurts himself? what if he gets stuck alone and there is no one to save him?' the last thought on her mind, god, it hurt her to even think about that. she hated every second of it. she hated how they joined the fireflies in a hope that, maybe, one day, everything could go back to normal.

despite the pain in her chest and heart, a broken smile got on her face. kissing him softly, she said while caresssing his face. "you are such an asshole, you know that, right?" Kyle smiled teasingly, bringing her closer to him, while kissing the crown of her head, softly whispering. "well, you are dating this asshole. so tehnically, not my fault."

now looking at him seriously, Anna whispered out. "I love you. so much its making my head hurt just thinking about you. i love you when you have that deep frown on your face every time you think about something. i love you when youre trying to do something, youre doing it with a passion and not like youre forced to do that. i love you even though it makes my sides hurt and when I want to put myself next to your soul."

kissing him softly, she smiled, despite crying, again. "I love you when youre playing with Alex, making sure she gets all of the happines in this cruel world. i love you when im mad and youre still here, next to me, trying to make me forget about my problems. i love you for the way you are. i love you."

Kyle opened his mouth trying to say something, but then a little voice broke him out from his thoughts and he turned his head around to face the little voice. Anna saw his head turning away, so did hers. and when it did, they saw their little babygirl standing, with a blanket in her one hand and her toy in the other.

Alex’s voice now sad, and her eyes full of tears, seeing her parents crying, she cried too. "Mama? dada?" when she saw their heads turning and seeing the tears on her moms face, she runed towards her amd cried. "mama no cry. dada no cry."

kyle picked her up and wiping his tears, his voice now full of happines, because he was truly happy. his two best girls and the baby on the way, made him the richest man on the world. "hey lexie. how's my girl doing?" kyle asked trying to keep his voice calm and steady, but the crack in it made Anna cry silently. watching her little girl and the man that she loved made her heart full.

Alex’s hand wiped his tears and kissed him on the cheek, while doing the same to her mom. "me sad. mama and you crying. have bad dream." hearing her words, splitted their hearts apart, making them beat fast aganist their chests. when she had nightmares, both of them would curl up next to her and hold her like they wanted to protect her from everything in this world. Anna clearing her throat said, while wiping her tears away, ner hand now on Alex’s cheek. "oh, my little girl had a bad dream. you want kiss to make you feel better?"

Alex nod her head and both of them, Anna and Kyle, kissed Alex on her forehead, cheeks, nose, ears, neck and whenever they could do that. giggling, Alex said during the kissess she was reciving. "that tickles! no more kiss!"

both of them now grinning, Anna and Kyle kissed her once again, before Anna asked Alex, her voice quiet not to startle her. "what was the dream about, lexie?" Alex looked over her mom and her lips stared to tremble, before speaking. "monsters screaming. dada saved me and you kiss me on cheek. then i was happy."

locking eyes, Anna and Kyle looked at eachother and nod their heads, Kyle speakijg up first. "dada will always save you. i will be next to you whenever you want and i will always love you."

his hand slowly dragging over Anna’s now 8 months pregnant belly he noded down, pointing at her belly to Alex. "I will always protect you, your baby sister and your mama." kissing Alex slowly on forehead, his voice cracked before speaking up again. "Im always going to be right here." he pointed to her heart.

Anna cried softly, before speaking up after Kyle. "mama is going to be here, too. im always going to be here. to kiss your boo boo's away. to make you feel better. to make you feel the happiest in the world." caressing her cheek, Anna spoke again. "you, your baby sister that im sure it is now, and your dada, are the most important people in the world. i will always love you."

in their little moment, everything felt like it stopped. the time. the cruelness in this world. it felt like just four of them exsisted. Anna, Kyle, Alex and her little baby sister.

before Anna could say something more, a knock on the doors stopped her. the doors opening, it revealed Marlene. Kyle looked over his shoulder and his stomach dropped. he felt sick and so scared. leaving his family was the worst thing he could ever do. he didnt wanted to be on that mission. he wanted to be here, with his little family. god, if there was a chance to change the situation he was in now, he would do it without missing a beat.

Marlene watched the scene unfolding in front of her, and it made her heart feel heavy. watching her best friend and her boyfriend with a daguhter in his hands, with a upcoming baby, it made feel like she was the bad guy in here.

clearing her voice, Marlene called out, her hand gripping the door handle. "its time." and with that she closed the doors and walked out.

Anna, now looking at Kyle, her eyes full of tears, shaked her head no at Kyle, trying to make him stay. "no, please. dont go. Kyle dont go." and Kyle watched her in silence, his tears now sliding down his face. "Im sorry. Im so sorry."

Alex watched her parents cry and it made her cry too. "dada, dont go. stay." even being a kid, Alex was smarter than anybody ever could be. kissing Alex on the crown of her head, sniffing her scent in, trying to memorize the feeling of having her in his arms and then finally kissing Anna, like its the last kiss hes ever going to have feel. he leaned his forehead on hers, sobbing, and said his voice shaking, saying the words so quietly so that only she could hear them. "I love you. so much. i love you guys so much."

turning his head around to face Alex, he whispered out to her. "daddy loves you too. so much." and then finnaly he dropped Alex down on the ground, before he himself dropped on his knees, his forehead pressing aganist Anna’s belly, pressing a kiss on it, before softly whispering. "I love you kiddo. so much. be careful with mommy."

getting up from the ground, he once again pressed his lips on Anna’s, like he was saying goodbye. kissing Alex once again too, he whispered out to her. "I love you 3000." before picking his stuff from the floor and with one last glance he called out. "wait for me." and then he got out.

watching him leave, Anna felt something inside her shatter. her vision blurred, her breath hitched, and without thinking, her knees buckled. she collapsed, slowly sinking to the floor.

Alex, noticing her mother’s distress, didn’t hesitate. she ran toward Anna, throwing her small arms around her in a tight embrace. “Dada come back. Don’t worry.”

she said those last two words with such certainty, like they were a fact, like there was no other outcome. and that only made it harder.

because hope—God, hope had killed more people than Anna could count. hope was dangerous. it made people believe there was something better waiting for them. it made them believe they could survive just a little longer, just until things got better. But things never did.

still, Anna pressed a soft kiss to Alex’s face, her voice gentle, careful, as if she was trying not to break a promise. “yes, baby. daddy’s going to come back. and then it’ll be just me, you, your sister, and dada. just like before.”

and for the first time in a long time, she let herself believe it. because maybe, just maybe, he really would come back.

THREE HOURS LATER -

it was a late night, something between 3am. stars covered the clear sky, making the moon shine. Kyle had his riffle on his shoulders and a gun in his hands, just in a case. walking on a rooftop, where it was hard to be noticed, he thought about them.

his chest hurting and his breathing shallow, the photo in his fingers made him calm. him, Anna with a 4 month baby bump and Alex in his hands. the pogotovo was taken not long ago, when Anna found out that she was pregnant.

he remebers that day so clearly, like it was yesterday. the shock on his face when she told him the news and when he hugged her so thightly, Alex came in a view. her big doe eyes, stared at them in confusion, asking her dad, her head tiltling. "why dada hug mama?"

looking away from Anna, Kyle crouched down to face Alex, took her in his arms and spun her around, while yelling with a big smile on his face. "mama's pregnant!" and Alex, now giggling, when her dad spun her around, her little eyes were so wide, that it looked like they were going to pop out. "YAY! ME HAVING A BABY SISTER!" while yelling with her dad, both of them having big smiles on their faces.

Anna watched them, her hands on her belly, with a big smile on her face. she felt like the luckiest girl in the world, even though everything fell apart. the chance of being happy in this time, made her feel like she was the richest person ever. having a boyfriend, who actually loves her, no matter what argument they had, he always looked at her with so much love.

"why are you so sure its a girl?" Anna asked Kyle, burrying her nose in his neck, while he bringed her closer to him, kissing her hairline softly. "I just do. its like i have this tingle everytime i touch your stomach. its like shes responding to me, look." putting his and Alex’s hand on Anna’s stomach, he gently caressed it, before he felt a slight kick on his side. Alex now grinning when she felt the baby kicking too, whispered like she was not trying to scare off the baby.

"baby kicked mama. baby loves Alex and me loves baby sooo much." she said, her eyes twinkling, and Anna could feel a bonding moment between her and the baby. its like she knew, that one day, Alex will protect her sibling no matter what.

Anna had laughed, her eyes shining with unshed tears as she watched them. Kyle closed his eyes at the memory, pressing his lips into a tight line.

his chest ached. his throat burned. God, he missed them.

kissing the photo softly, and putting it back in his pocket, the tears in his eyes stinged so much it hurt him. his throat closed up making it hurt to breathe or to say something. because he knew, that if he said something, he could break right here.

too lost in his thoughts, his walkie-talkie ringed back to the life. a male voice called out. "kyle? come in kyle, over." quickly takjng his walkie out from his vest, kyle whispered out, his voice slightly shaken up.

"Im here. whats up?" his hands shook slightly, while gripping the walkie-talkie in his hands.

"Jason said that someone has to go to check the mall, to clear out the area." the voice called out. the words hit Kyle like a punch to the gut. "didn’t we lock down the mall for a reason?" he muttered, glancing up at the empty streets. "the place is crawling with infected."

the voice sighed and Kyle swore that he could hear the annoyance behind the voice. "I dont know man, ask Jason. he gave the orders not me." the voice paused for a second, then called out again. "and the last time we checked, the mall was empty. not a single soul was in there, so youre safe."

Kyle’s chest tightened, his heartbeat thudding in his ears. his breath, once steady, now felt too fast, too shallow. the thought of facing the infected again—the thought of dying and leaving Anna and Alex—sent a sickening churn through his gut.

he didn’t fear death itself. he’d always known it was coming. but leaving them alone... that was a thought he couldn’t shake. it made him feel weak, vulnerable.

with a deep breath, he forced himself to focus, his grip tightening on the walkie-talkie. "roger that. I’ll check it out." but as he took another step toward the mission ahead, the image of Anna and Alex lingered in his mind, a haunting reminder of what he had to lose.

after a few minutes of walking, Kyle found himself standing in front of the mall. he remembered this place—once bright, alive, filled with people carrying shopping bags, laughter echoing through the halls. friends chatting, families smiling, voices blending together in a hum of normalcy.

now, it was nothing but a hollow shell, its walls crumbling, its windows shattered, the silence pressing down on him like a weight.

he let out a slow breath, adjusting his grip on his rifle. his other hand held a flashlight, the beam flickering as he stepped forward. careful, quiet. the entrance loomed before him, sealed off for a reason, but orders were orders.

the doors creaked as he slipped inside, darkness swallowing him whole. dust clung to the air, and each step felt heavier than the last. he knew where he had to go—the electrical room. if he could get the lights on, he’d be able to see what he was dealing with.

navigating the ruined corridors, Kyle reached the door to the electrical room and eased it open. or at least, he tried to.

the second he let go, the universe decided to turn against him. the door slammed shut behind him with a deafening thud.

his breath caught, his heart hammering in his chest. his grip on the rifle tightened as he froze, listening. nothing. just the sound of his own pulse in his ears. he cursed under his breath, shaking his head before turning to the breaker panel.

his fingers traced over the worn-out wires, his eyes scanning for the right one. a second later, he found it. exhaling softly, he applied pressure to the loose connection, then reached for the switch.

with a flick of his wrist, he pulled the handle down.

the mall flickered back to life. lights buzzed overhead, casting long, eerie shadows across the broken floors. the silence that once suffocated him was now replaced with a low hum, the kind that made his skin crawl.

his eyes flickered to the empty storefronts, once bursting with life—shoppers darting in and out, their hands full of bags, their voices blending into a constant hum of conversation. now, the windows were shattered, dust-covered mannequins stood frozen in time, and discarded clothes lay strewn across the floor, faded and torn.

then, his gaze landed on the arcade.

for a moment, he swore he could hear it—the distant echoes of game machines beeping, the laughter of kids as they raced from one game to another, the rhythmic clatter of tokens falling into slots. his lips twitched into a faint smile.

this place—it was where he met her.

eighteen years old, desperate for an escape, he had found solace in arcades. the flashing lights, the familiar weight of a joystick in his hands—it was the only way to quiet his mind. that day, he'd been focused on setting a new high score when he noticed her.

she stood by the claw machine, blonde hair tied back in a loose ponytail, a few strands escaping to frame her face. despite the neon glow of the arcade, her eyes were the brightest thing in the room. and that smile—god, that smile—lit up everything around her. her freckles stood out in the dim light, scattered like constellations across her cheeks.

he remembered how she had huffed in frustration when the claw dropped the stuffed animal too soon, hands planted on her hips in defiance. he had laughed, unable to stop himself, and she had turned, eyes locking onto his.

"what?" she had asked, brows raised, though there was a teasing lilt in her voice.

"nothing," he had shrugged, stepping closer. "just thinking I could probably win that for you."

she had smirked, arms crossed. "oh yeah? big talk for a guy who’s probably never played this thing."

that was the start of everything.

standing there now, in the ruins of what once was, Kyle swallowed hard. the memory felt like a punch to the gut. he could almost see her—eighteen again, laughing, rolling her eyes at him.

Kyle stepped into the arcade, the faint neon glow still flickering against the walls, casting eerie shadows across the dust-covered machines. the air was thick with silence, but if he closed his eyes, he could almost hear the echoes of laughter, the chorus of game soundtracks blending together, the rhythmic clatter of buttons being mashed in excitement.

his gaze landed on a claw machine near the back.

a stuffed elephant sat among the pile of toys, its fabric faded but still intact. his heart clenched at the sight of it.

it was just like the one he had won for Anna on her birthday. he remembered how she had clutched it to her chest that night, smiling so wide it made his entire world feel lighter.

swallowing down the ache in his throat, Kyle started searching the room for coins. he moved cautiously, sifting through the dust and debris until his fingers brushed against something cool and round. a grin tugged at his lips as he picked up the scattered coins, dropping them into a small plastic bowl he had found along the way.

making his way back to the claw machine, he took a deep breath and slid a coin into the slot. the machine hummed back to life, its colorful lights blinking as if waking from a long slumber.

Kyle cracked his knuckles and placed his hand on the joystick, maneuvering the claw toward the elephant. he pressed the button, and the claw descended, gripping the toy by its ear—only for it to slip through and drop back into the pile.

"are you kidding me?" he muttered, brows furrowing.

determined, he tried again. and again. each time, the claw teased him, lifting the elephant just high enough to give him hope before letting it go.

frustration bubbling in his chest, he exhaled sharply, shaking out his hands. "alright, one more time."

he lined up the claw, eyes locked on the prize, and pressed the button with full force. the claw lowered, latched onto the elephant’s ear again, and— It held.

Kyle barely breathed as the claw inched toward the drop chute. his hands clenched into fists, his heart pounding as he silently begged the universe not to screw him over this time.

and then— the elephant tumbled into the prize slot. Kyle let out a breathless laugh, fist pumping the air in triumph. "hell yeah!"

reaching into the machine, he gently pulled out the stuffed toy, brushing off the dust before carefully tucking it into his backpack.

just the thought of bringing it home to Anna and Alex made his chest feel lighter, even in a world that had long since forgotten what joy felt like.

for them, he would always find a reason to smile.

walking out of the arcade, Kyle adjusted his rifle and flashlight, moving quickly but quietly, trying not to draw attention. the silence was suffocating, broken only by his own breath and the faint crunch of debris under his boots. his heart pounded hard in his chest, making it difficult to focus.

he checked another store, sweeping his flashlight across the dark corners. empty.

another sigh left his lips as he stepped out, gripping the walkie-talkie from his vest and pressing the side button.

“Aaron? come in. over.”

static crackled before a familiar voice responded. “Aaron here. you clear the mall? over.”

Kyle ran a hand down his face. He was exhausted. “yeah. nothing. place is dead.”

“copy that,” Aaron replied. “head back. Marlene’s gonna lose her shit if she sees you’re not in your spot.”

Kyle stopped mid-step, brows furrowing.

“…what do you mean ‘if she sees’?” his grip on the walkie tightened. “you didn’t tell her I was sent into a sealed-off building? alone? ith fucking infected crawling around?”

Aaron sighed. “look, man, not my call. Jason said it had to be done. I just passed it along.”

Kyle let out a humorless laugh. “had to be done?” his voice rose. “Aaron, are you fucking serious?”

his knuckles whitened around the walkie. “for fuck’s sake—I have two girls waiting for me. a baby on the way. and Jason just threw me into this shit without telling Marlene?”

a beat of silence. then Aaron muttered, “I didn’t have a choice. you know how bitchy Jason gets. you don’t do what he says, and suddenly you’re pulling double shifts.”

Kyle exhaled sharply, rubbing his temples. “I don’t give a shit about him. he knows I have people waiting for me. and he didn’t even clear this with Marlene?”

Aaron groaned. “Kyle, I know. but don’t put this on me, man. I’m just doing my job. not like I’m getting paid enough for this shit anyway—”

Kyle barely listened as Aaron kept talking. his focus shifted to the exit, quickening his pace, eager to be done with this place. he didn’t notice when the picture and knife slipped from his pocket, hitting the floor with a soft clink.

the noise sent his heart hammering against his ribs. he spun around, scanning the darkness, only to realize what had fallen. “…shit.”

rushing over, he snatched them up, stuffing the picture into his vest for safekeeping. he wasn’t risking that again.

Shaking off the nerves, Kyle adjusted his pack and strode toward the doors, Aaron still rambling in his ear. gripping the handle, he pushed— nothing.

Kyle frowned. tried again. the door didn’t budge. his stomach twisted. “you have to be kidding me.” cursing under his breath, he yanked his backpack off, rummaging through it for supplies. the next few minutes were a blur of failed attempts—pulling, prying, shoving. his patience wore thin.

then, with a sudden snap, the handle broke clean off. Kyle stared at it in his hand, then at the door. then—

“mother fucker!” his voice echoed through the empty mall.

frustrated beyond belief, he made a decision. fuck it. If the door wouldn’t open, he’d make it open. bracing himself, he threw his weight against the door. hard.

BANG.

Again.

BANG.

the noise was too loud, way too loud, but he didn’t care. he was so close. just one more— CRASH.

the doors burst open, slamming onto the ground with a deafening clang.

Kyle barely had time to grab his bag before— a scream. blood-curdling. echoing from deep inside the mall. his blood ran cold. every muscle in his body tensed. slowly, he turned his head.

eyes. empty, dead, and locked onto him.

one infected. emerging from the shadows, crawling over debris, snarling, its hunger razor-sharp. Kyle’s breath hitched. then they ran. and so did he.

his walkie-talkie clattered to the floor, forgotten.

pacing the room, Marlene glanced at the map, then the clock on the wall. 5 AM. still no sign of Kyle. no Aaron bursting through her door with a stupid grin, cracking some half-assed joke to break the tension.

something was wrong. with a frustrated sigh, she pushed up from her chair and stormed out of her office, boots thudding against the floor. her mind raced. what if something went wrong? what if they’re stuck? what if— she clenched her jaw, forcing the thoughts down. she needed answers.

reaching Jason’s office, she knocked— three sharp raps. a voice called from inside. "come in." taking a breath, she pushed the door open and stepped in, shutting it firmly behind her. Jason was at his desk, flipping through a file, barely sparing her a glance. too casual. too at ease.

"what's up?" he muttered, eyes scanning the papers like she wasn’t standing there, burning holes into his skull. Marlene folded her arms, stance rigid. her voice came out sharp. demanding. "where are they?"

Jason didn't react. didn’t even blink.

"it’s five fucking in the morning, and they’re not here. What did you do?"

Jason laughed. a quiet, dismissive chuckle, shaking his head. he still wouldn’t meet her gaze. "I don’t know what you’re talking about."

wrong answer. Marlene saw red. she was done. done with his smirking, his arrogance, his bullshit. in a flash, she moved—circling the desk, grabbing his collar, yanking him up from his chair.

Jason staggered, hands gripping her wrists, but she didn’t let go.

Marlene sneered, her voice dropping to a dangerous whisper. "don’t bullshit me, Jason." she tightened her grip. "tell me where Kyle and Aaron are. now."

Jason’s breath hitched. he grabbed at her wrist, struggling, trying to pry her off, but she held firm. he gasped, his hands dropping limply to his sides as the oxygen left him. his eyes darted wildly, fear creeping into them. finally, in a ragged, desperate breath, he choked out, "okay, okay—I’ll tell you, just please—"

then— BANG. the door slammed open, rattling the walls. Marlene’s head snapped toward the entrance as Aaron stumbled in, panting, chest heaving.

"Marlene..." his voice was raw, urgent. his hands trembled as he tried to catch his breath. "Kyle—he’s in trouble."

for a split second, everything stopped.

Marlene’s grip slackened, and Jason collapsed back against the desk, coughing violently. but she didn’t look at him. she was already moving. her boots pounded against the floor as she rushed to her office, ripping open drawers, grabbing weapons, supplies—anything she could carry. Her mind screamed at her. this is your fault. you shouldn’t have let him go. you should have stopped him.

Marlene shoved a pistol into its holster, slung a rifle over her back. her hands were shaking. she swallowed the fear, turned to Aaron, and barked, "get what you need and come with me." her voice wavered. she didn’t have time to pray.

but still, under her breath, she whispered, "please. just let him make it."

breathing heavily, he clutched his side of ribs, trying to stop the bleeding. the blood gushed through his hands, the color now grimson red. cursing he looked down at the huge cut and hissed. "fuck... this shit really hurts huh?" kyle spoke up between the quick breaths looking at the infected, now dead, talking to himself.

scoffing and turning his head around, the sight making him gag. the sight of blood always made him like this, and yes he knows its stupid. six years into the apocalypse he saw a lots of blood and the stuff anyone was supposed to see.

sighing he thought about the times when the only problem in his life was how to get a girlfriend without making a fool out of himself. the time when he got to see his mom's homemade meals and the times when he argued with his dad over stupid things. the time when he met her. the love of his life. when he first told her that he liked her and the time he got the chance to kiss her. the time when he told her that he loved her. god, just thinking about that made him smile like a highschooler.

over years he thought about one thing. spending the rest of his life with her. growing old with her, their children next to them while their grandchidren ran around the yard, screaming and playing together. and yet he didnt got the chance to ask her the only one thing he always wanted to. to marry him.

every day he saved his money, hoping that maybe one day, he would have the balls to ask her that. and every time he had the chance, he chickened out. what if she doesnt wants to spend her life with me? what if she doesnt loves me anymore? what if im not good enough for her? those thoughts were driving him crazy. made him wanting to rip his own heart out and yell out how much he loved her. how much he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

and the time when he actually got the courrage to ask her that question, the world went to hell. he remebers the day so clearly, like it was yesterday. the time when she called him, her breath stuck in her throat, sobbing violently and begging him to come and save her. "kyle- something is happening, something bad. people here are screaming and-." static. the line cut off. so he ran. he ran like his life depended on her. thats because it was. he couldn’t do this alone. not without her.

the ring in the box, hidden from her for months was laying down on the ground, forgotten in a rush. to this day, hes always cursing himself for forgeting the ring. if he only had the chance to go back to time and ask her sooner, he would do it all over again.

too bussy reminding himself of his past, the veins on his side grew. bit by bit, his whole side was covered in spores. right. the bite. he knew what was coming. and he wasnt running away from it. for the first time in his life, kyle accepted his fate.

crying softly taking the picture out from his vest, he smiled at it. bringing the picture closer to his lips, he kissed the picture, imagining his little family. his Anna, his Alex and his his unborn baby. it hurt knowing that he wont be there to watch his baby girls grow up. to watch the love of his life spending her life alone. without him. "I love you guys so fucking much." he whispered to the photo, as if they were here, next to him.

he imagined the way that Anna would wrap his side trying to make the blood stop from seeping away. the way that Alex would prepper the kissess on his face, blabering about anything to make her dada feel better. the way that his hand wouldnt leave Anna’s pregnant belly, feeling the little kicks on his hand.

the pain on his side was nothing compared to the pain in his chest. the hoolow ache making his breath heavy, his heart pounding in such a cruel way. to remind him that it was over.

hearing the faint sound of footsteps, Kyle’s hand instinctively reached for the gun at his side, his fingers tightening around the grip, preparing to defend himself. but the voice that broke the silence made him exhale sharply.

"you don’t have to shoot. It’s just us. just me and Aaron." Kyle’s shoulders slumped, exhaustion weighing him down as he lowered the gun, grunting in pain.

“could’ve said that earlier,” he muttered through gritted teeth, his head tilting back against the wall. the world felt distant as the room seemed to tilt. blood pooled around him, and for a moment, he forgot where he was. the pain was nothing compared to what was coming.

Marlene’s voice broke through the fog of his thoughts. "what happened? Why are you here? how did you get in here? Kyle—"

he raised a hand, cutting her off. "stop," Kyle rasped, his voice barely above a whisper. "you know what happened. you know how it went down. it just… happened." he stared at the ceiling, his voice quiet. "i tried to stop it… but my mind kept drifting to them. to her. to them… and I couldn’t… I just couldn’t fight it."

Marlene’s eyes filled with tears as she took a step closer, her face pale in shock and disbelief. “Kyle, please… we can stop the bleeding, I can help you, I just need—"

Kyle’s laugh was bitter, the sound rasping in his throat. "help me? Marlene, you and I both know what’s coming. there’s no helping this. I’m gonna turn. I’m gonna be one of them. and there’s nothing anyone can do about it." his voice cracked, the tears slipping down his face as he struggled to hold it together.

"please," he whispered, his words pained and desperate. "please, just—" but Marlene wouldn’t let him finish. she cut him off, her voice shaking. “don’t you dare say that. don’t you dare ask me to—” Kyle’s eyes snapped to hers, his voice cracking with emotion. "you think I don’t want to go back to them? you think I don’t want to hear their voices again? feel her touch? hold them just one more time?"

he was shaking now, his chest rising and falling rapidly as the emotion spilled out. "God, Marlene, I would do anything to go back. anything. but I can’t. it’s too late. it’s too far gone." tears mixed with the blood on his face as he reached for her. "please," he begged, his voice hoarse. "i need you to do it. i need you to kill me before I turn. you promised—" he choked on his words, barely able to speak. "you promised you’d protect them if something happened to me."

Marlene recoiled, horrified by the request. “i can’t… i can’t do that. i can’t end your life. not like this. not like you’re asking me to.”

Kyle’s hand fell weakly to his chest, his breath shallow. "Marlene, please." his voice was barely a whisper. "you promised."

Marlene hesitated once again, her hands shaking and her mind racing. the thought of killing her best friends boyfriend made her sick. "what about her? what do I tell her? what do I tell to a three year old, whos asking for her dad, waiting to come back?"

she choked up on her words, she wanted to take them back, she wanted to change everything. "what do I tell to Anna? do I tell her that i killed you? do I tell her I killed you juat because you wanted that? huh?"

kyle sighed out, a slight smile on his face just thinking about them. "you tell them i love all three of them so much. you tell my Anna i wished that if the things were diffrend, that i would make her mine forever. that i would marry her with no hesitation."

tears were framing his face now. the breaths he took were fast and ragged. "you tell my Alex that daddy loves her so much. that she is going to be my baby forever. you tell her I love her 3000."

even through his tears, talking about his family made him happy. it always did. but then he remembered the baby.

“you tell our baby I’m sorry,” Kyle whispered, his voice breaking. “for leaving. for not being there. for making her grow up without me.” his fingers trembled as he clutched the photo tighter, pressing it against his lips. “tell Anna to name her Ellie. our little Ellie.”

with a grunt, he reached for his backpack, fumbling through the blood-soaked fabric. his breath hitched as he pulled out two things: a small stuffed elephant and a knife. “you give these to them.” he held up the elephant first, his voice shaking. “Alex gets this. she loves elephants.” then he looked at the knife. “and this… this is for Anna.”

Marlene watched, frozen in place, as Kyle kissed the picture one last time before carefully stuffing it inside the elephant’s worn fabric. his bloody fingerprints stained the toy as he pressed it to his chest, his body wracked with sobs.

“tell them I’m sorry,” he choked out. “for everything. for not listening to Anna. for not being there when it mattered.” his breath came faster now, his body trembling violently. “Marlene.” he met her eyes, desperate. “do it. now. please. this is the last thing I’ll ever ask of you.”

she shook her head, her grip tightening on the gun at her side. “I can’t.” Kyle let out a broken, guttural sob. “please! Ppease, Marlene! kill me before I—” his words cut off in a strangled cry as his body jerked, muscles seizing, his eyes wild and unfocused.

then, he moved. It happened fast—too fast.

“DO IT!” he screamed as he lunged toward her.

the shot rang out before she could think.

a body hit the floor. silence.

Marlene stood there, her breath ragged, her hands shaking so hard the gun nearly slipped from her grip. the room was suffocatingly still, except for the quiet, broken sobs that fell from her lips.

she had done it. she had killed her best friend’s love. she had killed Alex’s father. she had killed Ellie’s father.

and now, she had to tell them why.

Anna paced the room, her arms wrapped around herself, her breath uneven. the lump in her throat made it hard to swallow, the tightness in her chest making every breath feel shallow. worry gnawed at her, twisting in her gut like a knife.

she stopped abruptly, pressing a hand to her stomach as sharp kicks jabbed at her side. the baby was restless—just like her. A soft smile tugged at her lips despite the anxiety weighing her down.

"hey, you," she murmured, running her fingers in slow circles over her belly. "you feeling okay in there?" another kick. a stronger one. Anna chuckled, blinking away the sting in her eyes. "sorry for making you upset. I'm just worried about your dad."

as if in response, the baby kicked again.

"you love your dad, huh?" another kick. "okay, okay, I get it. you love him more than me."

the small moment of warmth settled over her like a fragile blanket, but it didn't last. her eyes drifted to the bed where Alex lay curled up, wrapped in a thick blanket, her tiny fingers gripping the teddy bear Kyle had found for her. that bear was her lifeline—but not as much as her father was. Alex adored Kyle, always trailing after him, laughing at his silly jokes, teaming up with him to tease Anna.

Anna smiled, brushing a few strands of hair from Alex’s peaceful face before pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. her heart ached with memories. she remembered the first time she told Kyle she was pregnant with Alex—how terrified she’d been, how she had braced herself for disappointment or fear in his eyes.

but his reaction had been nothing like she expected.

she could still see it so clearly—his wide-eyed shock melting into the biggest grin she had ever seen. and then, before she could even say another word, he had grabbed her, kissed her breathless, and spun her around like an idiot.

"I'm gonna be a dad!" he had shouted to anyone who would listen. "do you hear that? I'm gonna be a dad!" she had laughed, embarrassed, but his excitement was infectious. that whole day, he wouldn’t shut up about it, telling everyone in the QZ, beaming like he had won the lottery.

but she also remembered the looks they got—pitying glances, quiet murmurs. a baby in this world? what were they thinking?

and honestly, she had wondered the same thing. when he caught her growing quiet, he had cupped her face in his hands, pressing gentle kisses across her cheeks, her forehead, her lips.

"ignore them," he had whispered. "fuck 'em all. this? what you're carrying? it's a goddamn miracle." he had kissed her again, softer this time, and rested his forehead against hers. "and I love you for it. I love us."

now, sitting beside Alex in the dimly lit room, she wished she could hold onto that moment forever. but the ache in her chest reminded her of reality. Kyle wasn’t here. and the waiting was killing her.

Too lost in her thoughts, Anna barely noticed the soft murmur that came from Alex. "Dada... miss Dada." Her heart clenched. The ache in her chest sharpened, spreading to her sides. Just hearing those words made her mind spiral. She tried to steady her breathing, to push down the storm building inside her, but it was useless.

Leaning down, she pressed a soft kiss to Alex’s forehead, whispering into her ear. "Love you so much. I’ll be back."

She slipped off the bed carefully, making sure not to wake her, then moved to the door. Her fingers trembled as she turned the key, locking it behind her.

With each step down the dimly lit hallway, her breathing quickened. She ran through everything she wanted to say, everything she needed to ask—but no words felt right. By the time she reached the other side of the building, she wasn’t even thinking anymore. Just moving.

Anna stopped in front of Marlene’s office and knocked—three times, sharp and deliberate. Silence. Her pulse pounded in her ears. She tried again, rattling the doorknob harder this time. "Marlene."

Nothing. Her chest tightened. Panic crept up her throat. She slammed her fist against the door, her voice breaking. "Open the goddamn door, Marlene. Just—please, open it."

The silence stretched, thick and suffocating. Anna’s breath hitched as she pressed her forehead against the door.

"Marlene." Her voice wavered now, quieter, but no less desperate. Still no answer.

Her hand curled into a fist, nails digging into her palm. She tried to breathe through the anger, through the grief clawing at her throat. But it was useless. With a sharp inhale, she stepped back and slammed her fist against the door again.

"If you don’t open this fucking door, I swear to God—" The lock clicked. The door cracked open just enough for Anna to see a sliver of Marlene’s face. Tired. Hollow. Eyes heavy with something Anna couldn’t place—regret? Guilt?

Anna’s breath hitched as she met Marlene’s eyes, stepping inside and shutting the door behind her. Marlene didn’t turn, her gaze locked on the window, hands trembling at her sides. That didn’t go unnoticed.

"Hey," Anna murmured, stepping closer. "You seem shaken up. What’s wrong?"

When Marlene didn’t answer, Anna pulled her into a hug, her limbs aching with every movement. The second their bodies touched, she felt it—Marlene was stiff, barely holding herself together.

Something was wrong. Anna pulled away, searching her face. "Hey, hey, what’s going on? Did something happen to you? Are you okay?" Marlene’s breath hitched—and then she crumbled.

Her shoulders shook as she broke down in front of Anna, sobs tearing through her. Anna froze, her heart slamming against her ribs. Something happened.

Her mind raced, possibilities running too fast to catch, but one name lodged itself in her throat. "Did—did something happen to anyone? To Kyle?"

Marlene flinched. And then she sobbed harder. The floor beneath Anna may as well have shattered. A sharp gasp escaped her as her vision blurred. No. No, that wasn’t right. Kyle was fine. He was safe. He was coming home. Just like he promised.

"Kyle’s coming home, right?" Anna whispered, desperation clawing at her throat. "He’s on his way to me, to Alex. Right, Marlene?" Marlene shut her eyes, her entire body trembling. "I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry."

The world cracked open. Anna’s breath turned ragged, her chest caving in on itself. "No—no, you’re lying. You’re fucking lying." She stumbled back, gripping her hair with one hand, the other clutching her belly. The kicks against her ribs sharpened, a cruel reminder of reality.

But she refused to believe it. "Kyle—he’s coming back to me," she choked out, shaking her head violently. "He’s alive."

Her voice wavered, but her anger did not.

Something inside her snapped. "STOP FUCKING LYING!" The scream tore through her, raw and broken. "HE’S COMING HOME TO ME! DON’T YOU DARE LIE TO ME!"

Then the punching began. Her fists slammed into Marlene’s face, her sides—anywhere she could reach. She wasn’t holding back. She couldn’t. The pain was unbearable, and this was the only way to let it out.

Marlene caught her wrists, pinning them to her sides. Their foreheads pressed together, hot tears mixing between them.

"He’s not coming home," Marlene whispered, her voice cracking. "And I am so, so sorry." Anna’s body trembled, her head shaking weakly. "No," she sobbed, fresh tears spilling down her face.

With every tear that hit the floor, she felt herself breaking further.

Her insides ached, but nothing compared to the agony in her chest. God, her heart.

It felt like someone had taken a knife to it and twisted, over and over again. The baby kicked, grounding her, but all it did was remind her—Kyle was gone. Alex and the baby would grow up without him.

Without their rock. Without the man who made them feel safe.

And she—she would have to live without the love of her life. The man who showed her what love was. How it could make her the happiest in the world and, at the same time, completely destroy her. She sobbed, the sound ripped from her soul.

Marlene slowly pulled away, her face twisted with sorrow as she reached into her bag.

Anna barely registered her movements until something soft and cold was pressed into her hands. She looked down. A bloodied stuffed elephant. A knife. Her breath hitched. Her fingers trembled as she lifted the elephant to her chest, clutching it like a lifeline. The knife—God, the knife—her lips pressed to the blood-stained handle, where his hands had once been.

He was still here. Just for a moment, she could still feel him. But it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.

“He told me to give you the knife and the elephant to Alex.” Marlene’s voice wavered, thick with grief. “There’s also a photo inside the elephant.”

Anna barely registered the words. Her fingers tightened around the stuffed toy and the blade, both stained with his blood. They still felt warm, like he had just been holding them.

Marlene took a shaky breath and stepped closer, cupping Anna’s face in her trembling hands. “He said he loves you,” she whispered. “He loves Alex, too. And… he said to name the baby Ellie.”

Anna let out a laugh—sharp, broken, and soaked in tears. It bubbled up from somewhere deep, somewhere raw. “That idiot,” she choked out. “That absolute fucking idiot.” Her voice cracked, betraying the ache in her chest.

She flipped the elephant over, hands unsteady, and pulled out the photo. And god—god, it hurt. Kyle’s face stared back at her, frozen in time. His wide, stupid smile, his face smudged with dirt, his hair a mess. Alex was in his arms, grinning just as big, her tiny hands clutching his jacket. His other hand rested on Anna’s belly.

A life that was theirs. A life that was supposed to be theirs.

Anna’s breath hitched as she pressed the photo to her lips, squeezing her eyes shut, as if holding it close enough could bring him back.

Anna’s breath caught as she pressed the photo to her lips, squeezing her eyes shut as if holding it close enough could somehow bring him back. “I love you so much,” she whispered, her voice trembling. “I promise, I’ll keep an eye on them, no matter what.”

A shaky smile tugged at her lips, though the tears kept falling. She could barely speak through the sobs. “And I promise... you’ll be the only man I ever love, for as long as I live.”

14 YEARS LATER -

"Ellie, for the love of God, stop! You're going to break your arms off," Alex muttered, her voice a mix of frustration and disbelief. She was sitting cross-legged on the dusty floor, surrounded by piles of debris, while Ellie—being Ellie—was still trying to force her way out of the handcuffs with all the determination of a bull.

"No," Ellie snapped, her short response enough to explain everything. The 14-year-old tugged again, her brow furrowed in concentration as she yanked on the cuffs, refusing to give up.

Alex rolled her eyes, slumping against the wall with a resigned sigh. She closed her eyes for a moment, her mind drifting back to three weeks ago. Back when their life—at least the little bit of peace they'd managed to find—felt somewhat stable.

She could still picture it clearly: the cramped room they had shared, the excitement in Ellie’s eyes when they'd gotten the new bunk bed. It wasn’t just about the bed—it was a piece of normalcy they hadn’t had in years. Ellie had jumped at the chance to sleep on top, her laughter echoing through the small room as she declared victory in their little sibling battle.

"Top bunk’s mine," Ellie had grinned, practically bouncing as she climbed to the top.

Alex had tried to argue, of course. She was the older one. "No, I’m the oldest! I get the top bunk."

Ellie had looked at her, giving that defiant grin that Alex knew all too well. "Doesn’t matter. I’m going up there. You can deal with it."

And so, Alex had huffed, crossing her arms in mock frustration, even though a small part of her had been relieved. At least she wouldn’t have to deal with Monica’s snoring anymore. That alone made the bottom bunk more bearable. But now... now those simple moments seemed so far away. The bunk bed, Ellie’s defiant grin, the moments of peace—it felt like a lifetime ago.

Ellie was still tugging at the cuffs, but this time Alex just watched her for a second longer, a faint smile tugging at the corner of her lips. She remembered what it felt like to fight over something so small, something so... normal.

"You're impossible," Alex muttered, not with real anger but with that familiar affection. "You know that, right?"

Ellie shot her a quick glance, grinning despite the situation. "Yeah, I know. But you love me anyway."

And for a brief moment, Alex did love her. Maybe a little more than she had before. Because, despite everything—despite the madness and the loss—they were still here. They were still fighting. And that, for Alex, was enough.

It was a late night, rain falling from the sky, the sky was pitch black, just perfect time to sleep. At least that's what Alex thought. Climbing the window, the poles were wet and impossible to hang on. After a while she finally reached the top, her hand landing on something sticky. She raised her hand to see what's on it and she cursed under her breath. It was a shit from the bird.

The white, sticky substance made Alex's stomach churn. Deciding to ignore it for right now, Alex took one final reach to the window, opened it and got quietly inside. Opening the window, Alex got inside, first taking off her shoes and her wet jacket that had sticked on her like it was her second skin. ‘ew.’ just the thought of having the jacked on her frame a bit longer, made her feel like she wanted to throw up.

Turning to the wall, Alex took off her jacked and her boots, while changing her clothes. huffing out breath when shirt stuck on her face, she cursed once again and, well, tried get her head out from the damn shirt. After a minute of fighting with a shirt, Alex took off the shirt and sighed out when the shirt finally came off from her. Ready to go to her bed, she turned around and then- a figure screamed out, their knife close to Alex’s face. Alex defended herself, twisting the knife from the person’s arm and grabbing them by their arms and put their head on Alex's bed. “You do that one more time, I swear to god, I am going to throw you out the window.” Alex spoke out, her breath catching in her throat and adrenaline radiating in her veins.

“Yeah, well you should announce yourself when you're back, not getting in like you're trying to kill me.” Ellie sighed out, her breath quick and her heart pounding in her ears. “Plus, if you throw me out from the window, who's going to annoy your ass?” Ellie winced from the pressure, Alex was pressing to her head, and she tried to get away from her grasp, but Alex only glared at her and smirked. “Yield, then I'll let you go.” Ellie shook her head no, pride filing her voice. “No fucking way, ‘ll rather die than do that shit-” Alex pressed harder on Ellie’s head, and then finally, Ellie yelped and chocked out “okay! Okay, Jesus fine! I yield! I yield!”

Away from her grasp, Ellie straightened up, her back cracking with each move she made and then she glared at Alex. “You're stupid, you know that right? You wannish for like a week, and then you decide to show up again, like you’re some sort of magician.” Ellie starred at her while Alex starred at her, worry and regret filling her eyes, for leaving her little sister lone. “I'm sorry, I thought it was going to take just a day, and it was going to, but then Jason told me that I have to go on another location and I just-” the next thing that Alex felt was Ellie's pair of arms around her frame, pulling her in a tight hug. The hug that could heal deepest wounds and make you feel like you're safe in someone's arms.

Alex had no hesitation and circled her arms around Ellie, their limbs pressing onto each other's. She felt horrible for making her little sister worried. Whispering in Ellie’s ear, Alex spoke out, kissing Ellie’s head. “Sorry for worrying you, I promise that for the next two weeks, you and I are doing whatever you want.” and the look that Ellie gave it her made her want to take that back, because the grin on Ellie’s face? Oh yeah, Alex was in deep shit.

“Really? Anything that I want?” Ellie giggled, stepping away from Alex and looking at her with an evil twinkle in her eyes. “Oh, I want to take it back so bad right now.” Alex whined while Ellie just smiled. “Can I take it back? I'll take it back. You’re impossible to talk. I swear to God Ellie, if it's something stupid, I am really throwing you out the window-”

“Don't worry, it's her way on convincing you that there is nothing to worry about. Right Ellie?” then a figure spoke up behind Alex. Turning around, Ellie and Alex saw Riley climbing up the window and with few huffs and puffs, Riley got in the room and closed the window. “Hey, what are we talking about?” Riley now stood tall with her hands on her hips and smile framed her face. Being next to window made her freckles shine under the light, making Ellie blush slightly and looking away.

That didn't went unnoticed by Alex who was now grinning from ear to ear, teasing Ellie. She wanted to tell Alex to fuck off, but Riley beat her to it. “What? You’re not going to say hi? Or at least say that you’re glad to see me?” Riley asked, her hands dropping on her sides.

Ellie just glared at her and turned around to go back to her bed. “Why would I? You decide to just sneak away for a night and then never come back.” turning around, Ellie faced Riley, her eyes stinged at how much she had tried to keep them away from falling down her face. Ellie paused, her voice barely above a whisper. “Everyone is leaving me. You, Alex. If you guys just want to leave forever, then fucking say so.”

Alex’s eyes widened and a pang echoed in her chest. She didn't know that leaving her alone made her feel this way. She hated being the reason when her sister was sad. Looking away, Alex spoke in a slow voice, guilt filling every part of her body. “I'm sorry for making you feel like that, Ells. I swear, fuck- I'm sorry.” riley on the other hand looked to the ground, avoiding Ellie's eyes, shame filling her entire body. If she knew what Ellie was feeling now, she would be mad too. Just the thought of Ellie or Alex disappearing out nowhere, made her worried. “I’m sorry for making you feel that way. It wasn't my intention. I was just trying to surprise you.”

Ellies eyes were now full of anger, sadness seeping out of them. “Surprise me? How Riley? By leaving me alone? By making me feel like an idiot? Like I'm some toy, you decided to throw away?” Ellie’s voice was louder now. Loud enough to make an echo in their shared room; the room that Ellie, Alex and Riley had shared.

Riley paused and then spoke up, her voice thin and quiet. “Surprise you by making you have the best night of your life. With me. With Alex. Nobody else, but us.” tears were sliding down Riley’s face, her eyes red and filled with guilt.

Ellie’s face fell. Her face before angry, now it was shocked. She was angry at herself for bursting so easily for taking her anger out on her sister, the person who was always with her, who was always on her side, no matter what. On Riley too, she was the person who made Ellie laugh so hard, her stomach filling with butterflies, sending her on the cloud nine. She was the one who Ellie felt seen but not exposed. She was the person that Ellie finally realized that she is in love.

Ellie’s breath caught in her throat. Her heart was at war with itself—anger clawing at the edges of her chest while something softer, more vulnerable, tried to break free. She wanted to scream, to run, but she also just wanted to be held, to be understood.

Sighing Ellie rolled her eyes and wiped them dry, because the tears were falling down her face. Punching Riley’s and Alex's shoulders, she told them, her voice slightly cracking. “Yeah, I'm sorry for lashing out, I guess.” Alex’s face grew in a smile and riley just laughed her face stained with tears. “Yeah, you're sorry because you want to see the surprise.” Alex spoke up.

Giggling, Ellie threw a pillow on Alex’s face and before she could catch it, it was already on her face. “Well, then, take your big girl pants on and follow me, my lady.” Riley spoke up, her voice now playful and teasing.

Waking up from the short nap, Alex opened her eyes, and she saw Ellie, who was pulling on the chains an hour ago, now fast asleep on her shoulder. Being stubborn in this world carried a lot of consequences, but Ellie being Ellie, she loved that. She loved having control of her own actions, even if it meant that she is going to get in trouble for whatever reason. But having an older sister was even better. Ellie loved Alex so much, that even if having an absolute control of her actions wasn't even enough, because it means that Alex was, the one who always reminded her that she is going to be her sister forever and ever. It meant that Alex was going to annoy Ellie about how dangerous it was to be reckless, to be stubborn, to not accept that people come and go, whether we like it or not.

Feeling Alex's stare at her, Ellie grumbled in her sleep and slowly opened her eyes. “You know its disrespectful when you’re starring at people like that? You’re scaring them off like that.” Alex just shrugged her shoulders and said with sarcasm dripping in her voice. “Well, that makes two of us.”

Rolling her eyes, Ellie got up from Alex’s shoulder and stretched out. “How long was I out?”

“Don't know, maybe like an hour?”

“And you didn't even bother to wake me up?”

“Why would I wake you up Ellie? To watch you pulling on the chains?”

“Exactly! Because unlike you, I'm trying to get us out!”

Alex rolled her eyes and opened her mouth to say something, but the sound of the doors opening stopped her. Glancing on the other side, she saw a woman in her thirties, the same woman who has been ‘testing’ her and Ellie to see if they are going to turn. Ellie, however, got up from the floor and glared at the woman who was 6 feet away from them, as if she was keeping her distance from them. Ellie looked at the plate she and Alex had from the other day and pushed with her foot, forcing it away from her.

The woman looked at her papers, a pen in her hand, writing down something. Then she spoke up. “Count slowly and steady.” Ellie rolled her eyes and began counting fast. “onetwothreefour-” the woman looked up from her papers, her voice annoyed and clipped. “Slowly and steady” Alex, now enough of her shit, got up from the floor ang began to count instead of Ellie, because she knew that if she began to say something, she’ll have to deal with it, and she wasn't in the mood for that.

“One, two, three, four, five” with each number she recited she stared at the woman, her eyes sharpening with every move the woman made. “Six, seven, eight, fuck you.” and then a smirk appeared on Alex's face, her middle finger raised at the end of her sentence. Ellie who was next to her, smiled so big Alex could swear that the heaven above blessed her. “Fuck yeah, that's what I'm talking about!” Ellie high fived Alex, who had the same smile on her face.

The woman rolled her eyes and grumbled something under her breath. Writing something down, she spoke up again. “Now hold up your ha-” and there stood Ellie and Alex, their hands extended out, their posture still. The woman wrote again something in her file. Sighing woman shook her head slowly and spoke up, her voice clipped and short. “State out your names. Slowly.”

Muttering under her breath, Ellie spoke up annoyed. “Veronica. The same as today, the same as yesterday, and the day before and the day before and the-” Alex cut her off by speaking up. “Alex Williams. Something else?” and she swore, Ellie's eyes fell out from her head, her mouth opening in a shock. “Dude! What the fuck? Why are you stating out your real fucking name?” Ellie whisper shouted.

Alex turned to face Ellie, and she shrugged her shoulders. The woman wrote something gain and then she closed her file, clutching it to her side. And then she turned round and got out from the room, while them man appeared behind the woman and took the plate from the ground, his back now facing them as he slammed the doors behind him, getting out from the room.

“Hey!” Ellie shouted and her voice muffled when the doors closed. “HEY! People are gonna come looking for us. People from FEDRA.” her voice cracked with every word she said, breaking Alex's heart. She hated to see Ellie broken apart, her face once filled with smiles, now with nothing else but guilt and anger. “You hear me?! Let us go or you’re gonna pay motherfuckers!”

Alex saw Ellie's distress and she called out her name. “Ellie, leave it.” Seeing tears falling her face, she pulled Ellie in a tight hug. The kind of hug that healed all the wounds, the kind of hug that made Ellie forget about all the problems she faced. “Why won't they let us go home?” Ellie said, her voice cracking with every word she said. Alex could feel her heart breaking in pieces. The tough of Ellie carrying all the problems alone, made her feel uneasy. It made her chest feel like she can't breathe.

Taking Ellie’s face in her arms, Alex said, wiping away Ellie’s tears. “Hey, hey, Ellie. Hear me out, okay.” Sniffing, Ellie raised her head and looked Alex right in the eyes, when she did, she saw a smile on Alex’s face, like it was the only thing that grounded Ellie from going insane. “There you go. Listen- maybe one day, the day that we are going to escape from this hellhole, we are going to have our own place. The place to live together, to laugh, to eat, to make new memories and the place where we are going to pretend like everything is okay.” tears were dropping on Alex's face, her mind wandering to her dad, to her mom. The time when everything was perfect, even though the world went to shit.

She can remember her mom’s laugh, it sounded just like Ellie's, her face scrunching up and the way her teeth were showing up every time she smiled. She looked at Ellie one more time and she nodded her head. Yep, just like their mom. She could also remember her dad. She remembers the way his face would scrunch in confusion, his eyebrows making a weird shape that she had. She knew that because Ellie told her so, million times. She remembers the way that he would cackle and the way his eyes would shine so bright, lighter than a diamond. Both of Ellie and her had his eyes, but Ellie had the shape of her mom’s, while Alex had the shape of her dad’s.

Ellie is energetic, just like their mom, while Alex is calmer, just like their dad. While Ellie is the sun, Alex is the moon. Ellie is sharp on her tongue, she does not care what other people think about her, she's her own person. While Alex is the kind of that will search for comfort in the people that she's closest with. She will run away from her problems, not wanting to face them. Not wanting to remind herself of them. She will pretend like they don't exist. Ellie was like mom, brave, sharp and stubborn, while Alex was like dad. She will protect her loved ones even if it meant that she will be the one who will be gone at the end of a day.

“We can go to the moon; we can go back in time and see all the dinosaurs you're interested in. We can explore various of books we want to read, the songs we want to listen. We can have monkeys as pets.” hearing that, Ellie laughed, her chest shaking and her smile so wide that could heal all Alex's wounds. “Can we have Captain America as our neighbor?” Ellie asked her tears shining with tears sliding her face, the happy tears. Alex's eyes were so wide and the sound that she had just made, it was hilarious. It gave comfort to Ellie. It gave her hope, that maybe one day, everything could be perfect.

“We can even have Thor as our teacher about space.” and with that Alex hugged Ellie ono more time, but this time it felt like the darkness, the ugliness and everything in this world didn’t exist. It felt like everything was just like it was supposed to be.

Alex sighed out a breath she was holding, and she whispered out to Ellie, like she was the only person she was supposed to hear, and no one else. “I love you 3000.”

Ellie grinned and whispered out. “I could say the same about you too, sis” and with that Alex punched Ellie in the shoulder, while both sister’s laughs echoed in the room.

After many hours and how Ellie would say it ‘more like thousand years later’, a knock interrupted their peaceful sleep. Alex's eyes fluttered open, the sun blocking her view. Ellie jolted awake and as if on command she began counting again. “One, two, three, four-” and then Ellie was the one who saw the woman in her thirties, her skin dark and her curly hair wrapped in a low ponytail, few strands of her hair framing her face.

On her sides, the woman carried two backpacks. One was Ellie's and the other was Alex's. Nudging Alex, Ellie whisper-shouted to her. “Hey, Lexie wake up, man” With heavy sigh, Alex craned her neck and looked at the woman. The woman looked skeptically at the girls, her eyes widening with every move they made. Finally, deciding to give the girls their backpacks, she threw them on the floor. Ellie was the first one to pick up her own backpack, her fingers opening the zipper and then finally- she sighed out and took the knife and held it closer to her chest, her fingers fiddling it with it. Alex on the other side, looked at the woman and then took her own backpack and slowly opened the backpack, her eyes scanning the inside of it. When her eyes fell on two things, she sighed out and she closed it, clutching the backpack so close to her.

“You're not scared.” Alex voiced out, her breath slow and her eyes sharpening with every move the lady made. She really didn't look scared, and it made Alex uncomfortable.

“Then unlock us” Ellie voiced out both for her and Alex. She really hated the feeling of the cuffs on her hand.

The woman just scoffed and said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “How about we start with thank you?”

Alex and Ellie said at the same time, their faces confused. “For what?”

The woman cocked her eyebrows and told them, her voice loud enough for them to hear. “For saving your lives? For telling them not to shoot at you girls? That was me, just in case you didn't know.”

“And who are you?” Alex asked, her curiosity winning.

The woman smiled and shook her head. “I'm Marlene.” and Alex swears, her eyes never widened so fast. So, she is the woman who was the leader of the fireflies. Alex thought.

However, Ellie didn't care for Marlene's name, so she asked her the question that been bugging her since she came in here. “Why did you stop them?” Marlene just shrugged and answered. “We’ll get to that.”

Deciding to unlock the cuffs from the girl's hands, Marlene leaned forward causing for Ellie to raise her knife away from her and Alex to grab the broken glass from the floor and pointing to Marlene's way. Marlene leaned back and raised her hand, revealing the key in her hand. When the girls saw the key in Marlene's rasp, they looked at each other and nodded their heads. Marlene unlocked Ellie's cuff and then did the same to Alex. “So, Veronica... Alex” Alex just glared at her while Ellie just giggled at Alex's face. “How do ya feel?”

“The same.” Alex answered for both of her and Ellie.

“Is it gonna happen?” Ellie asked, fear filling her voice. The thought of turning in one of them, scared her more than she thought.

“So, can we go?” Alex asked.

“We won't tell anyone about any of this, I swear.” Ellie slowly said, her voice full of hope, that Marlene would let them out and they could go back home. The thought of being in this hellhole for one more day, made her feel insane. It made her skin crawl with fear.

Marlene leaned backwards, her arms crossing and her eyebrows cocking in confusion. “And where are you gonna go?” her voice was now loud and sharp. “Back to FEDRA military school? Are you that desperate to be a solider?” then she turned to Alex and asked her the question that made Alex's heart stop and her breathing gone. “And you Alex? Do you want to kill your sister, just because she has to kill you? Because you want to make sure that the world one day everything comes back to normal?” Marlene spat.

Just thinking about that made Alex curl up to herself and never wake up again. Just the thought of her little sister not being here anymore because of her, it made her stop and think about what Marlene just said. ‘Kill Ellie?’ the thought ran around Alex's mind like an echo, her mind glitching and imagining every worst-case scenario. No, she couldn't, she can't, Ellie- she's her little sister. The person who she loves the most, the person whom she promised that she is going to be next to her forever and ever. She promised her mom that she is always going to protect Ellie, no matter what, that its always going to be Ellie and her to the edge of the universe.

Snapping back in the reality, Ellie's voice broke Alex out of her trance. “You think we chose that place? That we want to be a part of their shitty community that just-ruins the humanity more than it does?” Ellie spat out, her voice trembling with every word she said. “They put us there when Ellie and I were barely old enough to stand on our own. It's for orphans.” Alex continued, her voice small and quiet.

She can remember the time when she and Ellie just got in there. The weird stares and the hushed whispers with fingers pointed in their direction. She held Ellie closer to her chest, whispering out the soft words to Ellie because she noticed how upset Ellie has gotten. Day after day, week after week, counting turned into years, the stares stopped, but the judging grew. The kids who were surrounding them made them feel like they didn't belong here, like there was no place for them.

Marlene watched the girls, and a smile appeared on her face, making Ellie frown. “They didn't put you here.” she paused and then said again “I did.”

Ellie watched Marlene with a shock on her face while Alex just stood there. She felt like something, or someone was telling her that, maybe, Marlene knew her parents. She knows that there was a woman who was her mom’s best friend, and she remembers that the lady had the dark skin and curls, but she couldn't remember her face. The feeling irked her, it made her want to claw out her yes and to remember the lady, to know who she was to her parents.

“... are you my fuckin mom or something” Ellie asked, a chuckle in her voice.

“Do I look like your mom?” Marlene asked with a small smile on her face.

Ellie turned to Alex as if she was searching for answers and i almost made Alex laugh, but instead she just shook her head no and then Ellie turned back to Marlene “no, you're not”

“As I told you, my name is Marlene. though you probably already know that.” she turned to face Alex, and she saw the stare Alex was giving her. Like she as trying to find the lost piece of her memory in her eyes. A shook of wave ran in Marlene's veins, and she looked back at Ellie, though she could still feel Alex's stare at her. “I'm the leader of the fireflies in the Boston QZ.”

Ellies eyes widened at the sudden confession, so she asked. "Why would terrorists dump us with FEDRA?”

Marlene sighed out and she leaned forward.” because its where you'd be safest, and you were safe until you decided to sneak out and-” Marlene paused and thought about the next words she’s going to say, because she knew that they were going to hurt. “Terrorists? Was Riley a terrorist?”

The words that she said fell like bomb. The grip on the knife Ellie held was so strong, Alex thought her hand would bleed out, so she held Ellie close to her, while she could feel the tears dropping on her face. “Why won't you let us go home?” Ellie asked while the tears swelled up in her eyes as well.

Noticing the tears of the girls, marine's heart dropped to her knees. She knew how much Riley had meant to the girls. Just like Anna has to her. Being her friend since the childhood mad it harder for her to process her death. even now, she grieved, but she hid it so well. “Because you, Ellie, gave a greater purpose than any of us could ever imagine.”

Alex looked at Marlene so wide, she thought her fuckin eyes were going to pop out from her skull. The purpose? What purpose? Why is Ellie special to them? What are going to do with Ellie? Are they going to take her away from Alex? No. No no no no no- they- they couldn't. They shouldn't. She swears that the day they take Ellie, is the day that she will burn the whole world just to find her, just so her little sister could be with her again.

Ellie looked at Marlene, confusion written so clearly on her face. Wanting to ask about more, Marlene interrupted her. “So, we’re leaving tonight, and we are taking the two of you with us.”

The knock interrupted the heavy tension in the air, the tension that was hard to swallow. “He's here.” the same woman who tested out Ellie and Alex if they ever turned, and Ellie being the menace she is, she stuck out her tongue at the woman and the woman rolled her eyes and closed the doors. “Five minutes.” Marlene said.

When the doors shut close, Marlene spoke up, the seriousness in her voice clear than ever. “What I'm about to tell you, cannot be repeated to anyone. Because if you do-” Marlene's words were firm and short. “I assure you; you will die.”

FEW HOURS LATER -

Looking back, Ellie wished she wasn't born. She just wished that Alex, her mom and dad had a happier life. But no, the universe had a dumb way of saying ‘hey! So, this is the life you’ll live from now on. Have fun!’ and she hated it. She hated the fact that her and Alex had to live in this world, the world that's consumed by murder, by hope. Hope. Fuck that shit. She hated that feeling. she hated when it got the best of her, only to let her down.

Her thought interrupted the talking of a man and woman, probably Marlene fighting with some jackass. Then there was the real fighting, the wrestling and then- gunshots. She looked at Alex and her eyes were wide. Alex knew what is going to be the next thing Ellie's going to pull off, so, she shook her head no at Ellie and tried to grab her arm from walking out from the door. Ellie got her arm out before it could fall into Alex's grasp and she slowly waled to the doors, her footsteps quiet. Finally, she reached the doors, and she pressed her ear against it. Hearing the faint footsteps, she told Alex to quiet it down and he pressed herself harder against the doors. Alex, now sick of Ellie, she stepped closer and tried to get her away from the doors, but then a voice spoke up behind the doors, making her stop in her tracks. The voice was gruff and heavy, looks like it was a man’s voice and then she heard a soft-spoken voice, the woman’s voice.

Now Alex did the same thing as Ellie, she pressed her ear against the doors, making Ellie grin widely. Opening her mouth to say something snarky, Alex's hand stopped Ellie, and she glared at her. Then the footsteps stopped. Why did they stop? Did the man and the woman found out that they are behind the doors, listening to them? What are they going to do? Are they going to hurt Ellie? The thought run around Alex's mind like a mantra, making her breath stop.

And then Ellie decided to do something stupid. In a moment of a haze, Ellie threw herself at the doors, and got out falling against a man who was probably in his 50’s. Her eyes wide and her breath quick, Alex cursed loudly and called out for Ellie. “Ellie! What the fuck are you doing-” and the next thing Alex saw made her stop in her tracks and takeout the gun from her waistband she hid from Marlene. A man pushed Ellie against the wall, making her drop to the floor, his gun pointed at her. A switch turned in her head and she stepped closer to the man and put her gun on his head, nudging his head with her gun. The man craned his head to look at Alex who stared at him, her eyes burning his skull.

Then a voice interrupted her interaction with a man, her eyes snapping to the voice. Marlene and Kim-the woman whom she just met. “Joel?” her eyes snapped back to Ellie’s; her concern bigger than the awkwardness in this room. “Marlene?” the man spoke up. How do they know each other? Alex wanted to ask Marlene, but her attention was on Ellie, who was having a hard time breathing, a man's gun pointed at her. Seeing that Alex spoke carefully. “Put the gun down, or I'm gonna blow your brain out.” the man looked at Alex once more and scoffed, his gun still pointed at Ellie.

Marlene looked at Ellie and pointed out, her voice annoyed. “Jesus, Ellie, you can’t be stupid like that.”

Joel scoffed and then the woman behind him spoke up. Her face stitched up, probably because, well, she was injured. “So, this is who Robert screwed us over with?” her face showed a sign of annoyance, and she continued. “The Che Guevara of Boston? I mean the war must be going shitty for you to buy merch from scumbags like him.”

Marlene sighed out and she held her now bleeding side “Yeah well it has been. The merch was bad, and he obviously didn't take ‘fuck off’ for an answer.”

Ellie listened the conversation and her hand flied to her pocket, where her knife was hidden. The knife was safely tucked in her pocket- wait. Her knife. where it is. Ellie patted her pockets, and her eyes met Alex's as if she was asking her for help. Alex took a deep breath, and her eyes scanned the hallway, and then- the knife. It was next to Joel's leg. Finally seeing it, Ellie reached for the knife, only to be under Joel's foot, away from Ellie's grasp. “Give me my knife” “Give her, her knife.” Ellie and Alex spoke up at the same time.

Joel only ignored the girls, and his head turned to Marlene. “What do you need a car battery for? "Ellie did the stupid move again, making Alex's heart stop. She stuck her hand out to grab the knife, and Joel pointed his gun again at Ellie, his voice now threating. “Don't.”

Alex just pressed her gun at Joel's head harder and she sneered at him, her voice full of venom. “Drop the fucking gun.” while Marlene pointed her gun at Joel and said, carefully, her voice filled with worry. “Not at her. Point at me.”

Then Marlene decided to tell Alex the thing that she didn't even dare to do. “Alex, drop the gun.” Alex just scoffed and pressed the gun to his head. “Alex for the love of God, drop the weapon.” and then with a final glance at Marlene, Alex dropped the gun down, her hands dropping to her sides.

“To answer your question, I need it for better reason than you do. No offence, but tommy’s just one man.” Marlene clutched her side.

“how's he just one man-” Marlene interrupted Joel. “it's our business to know things.”

“To know things?” Joel asked. “you're the cause of it. you turned my own brother against me.”

God damn, this guy had it all, Alex thought.

“That was a lot of gunfire. FEDRA’s gonna be on the way.” Kim pointed out, the women who was on Marlene's side.

“We were gonna move Ellie and Alex outta the zone tonight, but we won't make it anywhere like this. Not for a while anyway.” Marlene pointed out. “So, I think you're gonna do it.” Marlene pointed to Joel and Tess.

What? Why them? No, not a way in a hell, Alex thought. She was going to take her alone in there, even if it meant that bunch of FEDRA officers are going to be on her for that.

“We are not going with them” Alex and Elie said at the same time.

“Let me take her.” Kim said.

“Kim, you don't have a fuckin ear on your head, don't you dare to take her.” Marlene pointed out.

“Tess, we don't have time for this.” Joel and Tess were ready to walk out from the hallway, their missions now dropped in water. “You don't have time?” Marlene asked the pair.

“Who are they to you?” Tess asked Marlene. It really irked her off, the thought that they must take the girls.

“To you, they're cargo.”

“We don smuggle people.” Joel pointed out.

Marlene sighed out. She wanted to bang her head against the wall until it falls off from her shoulders. “there's a team of fireflies waiting for he two of them at the old state. I know what's out there. We are going with an entire squadron for that very reason.” Marlene spoke up. Looking at Ellie and Alex, their faces twisted in confusion, she continued. “But now I don't have a truck, I don't have a squadron. FEDRA’s five minutes away. What I do have is you. And I know what you guys are capable of. For better or worse.” Marlene finished; her breath quick at the speed she spoke.

Ellie was, at least to say, surprised to what Marlene just said. Jesus that's a lot of work. Ellie thought. “What are they capable of?”

“You need to get her and Alex safely there. They will get you what you need. Not just a battery. The whole thing. Fueled up trucks, guns, supplies all of it. I swear.” Marlene said. and the second Ellie head the word guns coming out from Marlene's mouth, her eyes widened in excitement. Alex just shook her head no and she mouthed out to Ellie ‘no fucking way, stay where you are, Ellie.’ and then with a swift of his leg, Joel kicked Ellie's knife away, making Ellie to curse at him. “Asshole.”

Joel paused and then he turned his back, and he pulled Tess to the side, the two of them talking it out. The second he did, Alex rushed to Ellie's side and engulfed her in a tight hug. “What is wrong with you. I told you to stay back, you shithead.” Alex whispered out to Ellie.

Then Tess broke out from Joel's distance and spoke up. “Okay here’s the deal. We'll get them to your crew at the statehouse. But before we hand her over.” she pointed to Ellie. “They give us everything what we want. If not, we kill ‘em there and then.” Tess finished talking.

“Deal.” Marlene just nodded.

What' oh hell no. Alex will kill them before anyone touches her little sister. No way in hell. Just the thought of handing Ellie to someone Alex didn't believe in made her feel like Shes trapped in a trap.

“Really, that fast?” Ellie spoke up, her face offended.

“you two are all that matters. my team will not jeopardize that.” Marlene told Ellie and she looked both girls. "Remember what I told you. Now go get your backpacks.” Ellie hesitated while Alex didn't wait a second, before marching off and taking her backpack with her. “Now Ellie.” Alex voiced out to Ellie.

Ellie got up and took her backpack from the room they were once in and then she got out, looking back at Marlene and then she knocked her shoulder against Joel's, making him slightly stumble from the impact.

Joel, who was already walking away from Marlene heard a soft spoke voice, coming from Marlene. “Joel. Don't fuck this up.” and with that he walked out from the hallway into the streets.

After few hours passed by, Alex and Ellie were still sitting in the chair. Suddenly the snore snapped them out from their conversation and Ellie spoke up. “You mumble in your sleep.”

Joel just rolled his eyes, and he got up in a sitting position, facing the girl. Ellie continued with her rambling. “I've ever been on the other side of the wall. Look at how dark it is.” Ellie glanced at Joel and then at the window again. “you guys go there a lot?”

Joel just sighed out and spoke up. “I guess.”

Alex just stared out the window, listening to their conversation. She got out a lot. She seen the city, the last bits of the fallen Boston. She seen the infected a lot of the times. She killed them too. Not just infected, but the people too. it's not something she’s proud off. After all she was forced to do that. she can hear the screams of the people begging her not to take away their lives.

“When was the last time?” Ellie asked, looking out the window.

“I don't know, maybe a year. Why ask?” Joel questioned.

“You know where to go. So, we are gonna be okay.” Ellie whispered out. Alex noticed the discomfort in Ellie’s posture, so she did something that she knew would calm Ellie down. The though f losing Ellie over something stupid, made he feel like she wasn't worth her. Ike she wasn’t worth of being Ellie's sister. “Hey, hey, it's okay, c'mon.” Alex whispered out to Ellie, her arms circling around Ellie.

Joel noticed the sudden change between the sisters, softly called out to the girls. “Yeah. So, what's the deal with the two of you anyway? You some kind of bigwig's daughter or somethin’?” his eyes never leaving Alex's.

“Something like that.” Alex spoke up, her voice quiet before turning her attention to the window once again. Joel raised his eyebrows in shock. So, the girl can speak.

“The radio came on when you were sleeping.” Ellie spoke up, making Alex grin slightly, knowing what she was planning to do. And like on the sign, Joel's back stood up straight and the panic in his voice, made Alex grin even more under her palm. “What? What was the song?” Joel asked.

“Something like-” Ellie continued, her eyes now turning to Alex's waiting for her to finish the sentence. “Wake me up before you go-go?” Alex finished out. And just on the cue, Joel sighed out and cursed under his breath, not before running the hands on his face.

Ellie grinned and opened her mouth to say something more, Alex interrupted her. “Gotcha. 80’s means trouble. Code broken.” Alex finished out and hen looking over to Ellie, her hand raised out to high five Alex.

Then a switch turned in Joel's had. Damn it. The girls guessed the code. Joel who was sitting on the couch, he stood up from it and he walked over to the girls, his footsteps heavy and his voice shuddering. “Listen-” and then the rattle of the doorknob interrupted him, Tess getting inside the room and locking it behind her. “The spot under Lancaster looks good. "Then she turned Alex and Elie and asked them. “you two got a jacket in those backpacks?”

Alex was the first one ho nodded her head yes and answered “yeah.”

“Okay, get it. It's time to go.” Tess pointed out to the girls.

The girls, Alex and Ellie. Goth their jackets out from their packs and put the jackets on and their backpack on their shoulders. The sudden change in the air made Alex take a deep breath and to prepare herself for the worst-case scenario. Joel, Tess, Alex and Ellie got out from the doors; the apartment now empty.

To say that the rain wasn't still falling, Alex could only lie to herself. Yep, she still hates the rain. While Ellie is enjoying the feeling of the droplets of the rain in the fucking tunnel they were in. Alex could handle guns, knives, blood and even maybe a pair of infected, but water on her skin? Ugh she hated that. Stuck in her own thoughts Ellie broke her out from it, and she told her, a smile on her face. “Ahh the water. You love this part, right Lexie?” and Alex just shoved Ellie's shoulder, making her stumble against the wall.

Finally, after what it felt like a decade of walking around in the tunnel, Joel stopped and began climbing up the stairs. Wait, what? The stairs? Like the one who are stuck to the wall? Alex gulped and began slowly climbing up after Ellie her breaths rushed. After a while Joel stopped once again, and Alex swore that she never had a tight grip on something. Finally, once again, Joel lifted the cover and slowly got out, then Ellie and Alex following her and Tess being the last one. After checking if anyone got safely out, Joel placed the cover back. And then Ellie deciduate up from the floor and look around, shouting. “Holy shit, I'm actually outside!”

Alex's eyes widened and she took Ellie by her hand and pulled her down to crouch once again, before whisper shouting “what are you doing? are you out of your mind?!” then the light flashed out in their direction, Alex pulled Ellie on the ground, her breathing uneven at how much stuff was happening right now.

“Okay we’re gonna tail the left edge around the buffer zone. You stay close and you follow my lead. Got it?” Tess whispered out to the girls, but mostly to Ellie. Because she noticed how much she wanted to see around her. Alex and Ellie nodded, and Tess spoke up again. "Let's go.”

The group finally moved Tess leading again and Joel checking up if anyone was following, while the girls just followed Tess, their hands brushing lightly. Alex watched the way Tess walked towards, and her mind started to wander. She remembers this way. The time when she was sent on the mission, she was only 16 years old. sent off alone in the mall. To see if the mall was empty, if there were any signs of infected. She had spent the whole night in there, checking the corners around. Luck was on her side, even though she didn’t believe in it. She remembers the time when FEDRA used to hang people just because they wanted to have a touch of a freedom once in their lives. The screams, the sounds that people made, it engraved in her brain. Ellie being curious didn't make it any better. She wanted to see what's like out there, to see why everyone is going outside the walls. Ellie and Riley wanted to see what's like out there. Alex fought with her blood, sweat and tears for Ellie not to go there; she tried the same with Riley. But Riley didn't listen. So, she left, she left and explored the walls, the malls, the areas that were restricted trespass into. And then she joined the fireflies. While Alex left the fireflies, Riley joined them.

The shuffling of the footsteps broke her out from her trance, the voice sharp and horribly familiar. Before she could have a chance to take Ellie by her arm and to run away, a voice stopped her. “What the fuck? Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Don't move! Don't move!” Tess and Joel immediately stopped and raised their hands up, while Alex just shoved Ellie to the side. The officer just gasped and whispered out to Joel and Tess “You gotta be shitting me.”

“Okay let's just talk this out.” Joel said his hands shaking, trying to find a way to get the hell out from here. The officer just scoffed and pointed his riffle to the group. “Turn around.” Joel tried again, his voice still. "Wait, hold on-”

“Get on your knees! Get on your fuckin knees!” the officer yelled out; his patience thin while the light on his riffle flashed out and revealed Tess, Joel, Ellie and Alex. And just on a cue, the officer starred at Alex and chuckled out, pointing his riffle now on Alex. “So, you're the famous Alex Williams, huh? Wanted to follow your daddy’s steps, right?” Alex’s throat bobbed and her hands shook, her mind rewinding the time when everyone from the fireflies used to make fun of her, just because her dad was in there. All the stares she got, the pitying looks, it made her feel weak, and she didn't like that. So, she closed herself up and just did the tasks she needed to do. Plus being an older sister to a newly born sister was a hard thing to do. Even when growing up, Alex used to tell her all the memories she had from her parents. Ellie loved that and even if she never met their parents, Ellie learned to love them.

The officer saw how uncomfortable Alex looked so, he just continued “guess that didn't work out, huh? Man, I wish my dad was now next to me-” Joel stopped the officer, yelling out and noticing the way Alex's tears started to swell up in her eyes, her breath shaking and her lips trembling, like she was in some kind of trance. “Hey! Focus on me. Not her alright?”

The officer just smirked and spoke up, his voice filled with nothing, but venom. “Why, so she could escape? Yeah man. Keep fuckin dreaming. Now get on your damn knees!”

Tess sighed out and she got on her knees, her back facing the officer now, and Alex, Ellie and Joel got down and did the same thing as Tess. “Just get on your knees. Just get on your knees, c'mon.” Tess told them.

The officer now dropped his rifle and walked over the group, while Tess spoke up. “Listen, you let us do this run... we'll split the cards with you.” the officer just scoffed and spoke. “Oh, will you?” Tess nodded her head “yeah!”

Sitting on their knees, Alex and Ellie looked at each other as the officer took out the device, their eyes wide and Ellie’s eyes starting to sting. That was it. The officer is going to kill her for even finding out. Alex is going to be alone, and she is going to grieve Ellie to the rest of her life. Alex took out the knife from Ellie's pocket and hid it in her sleeve, ready for the attack.

“Oh, I'm so blessed. Hands on your head, eyes forward. Hands on your head!” the officer just yelled out.

The group interlocked their fingers and put them behind their heads, ready for the scanning. Ellie looked at Alex and whispered out to Alex. “I'm scared.” and when Alex looked at her, she could feel thousands of emotions flooding through her eyes. So, she just whispered out to Ellie, her voice filled with worry. “It's okay, we’re okay.” and Ellie just nodded her head.

Tess saw the device and she grumbled, her voice annoyed. “Really man?”

The officer just nods his head. “Yep. we're doing this by the book.”

“Jesus Christ.” Tess grumbled.

The officer put the device on Tess's head, and it beeped, showing the green screen, meaning she is not infected. Then next was Joel and the officer did the same thing with Tess. The device beeped and it showed the green screen, making Joel sigh out.

“Unauthorized exit. They'll hang you for that.” the officer said.

Joel rolled his eyes and spoke up, craning his head to look at the officer. “Fine! Everything off this run and half of the pills!”

The officer just scoffed and spoke up. “Half of? No, all off!”

Next up was Alex, and the officer stood behind her, grabbing her by her hair, making her wince out and he scanned her neck. “Risk my job for half of the fuck-” the officer stopped and spoke up the grip on Alex's hair tighter now. “Oh, I'm so going to get rich for this girl right here. Isn't that right Alex?”

The officer took the device out from Alex's neck, and he looked at it, then the screen got orange, making the officer furrow his eyebrows and ask Alex, his voice curious. “What the hell is this supposed to mean?” and Alex just shrugged, her smirk wide and dangerous. “Don't now. why scared I might kill you?” and the officer ignored her stepping closer to Ellie and scanning her neck. The next thing Alex pulled happened in a blur. She got the knife out from her sleeve and jabbed it into officer shoulder making him grunt and yell out, while she just pounced on him, moving Ellie out of the way.

“Fucking bitch! I'm gonna fucking kill you-” the officer got up from the floor pointing his gun at Alex, her stance still, only for officer to laugh in a mocking manner and he spoke up. “Oh! Look at that! Joel Miller being the protective daddy that he is.” then the officer said again, his voice full of hatred and will to kill Alex. “Get out of the way!”

Joel stood in front of the officer, his hands raised in front of him, trying to stop the things from going south. “Wait! We can fix this!” his hands hook and his mind wandering off on the memory he didn't want to remember.

The officer just stared at Joel, and he yelled out. “Move! Move you fucker! MOVE-!” and then Joel pounced on the man, and hitting him with his fists clenched up, bruising the man’s face, and Joel’s knuckles filled with the officer's blood. He continued to punch the officer until he was unconscious. Then he turned around and saw Ellie and Alex, looking at him in shock and then the man who was probably dead.

Tess however saw the device and looked at it, screaming out to Joel. “Joel! JOEL LOOK AT THIS” and Ellie noticed that and raised her sleeve, revealing the wound to Tess, trying to convince her otherwise. “No! No, no. Look! I'm not sick!”

Alex saw the encounter between Tess and Ellie, and she stepped in, her voice shaking. “No- Tess, she's not- she isn't infected-” Ellie just yelled out, her hands shaking. “I'm not sick! Look! This is three weeks old! Nobody lasts than a day! Does this look like a day old to you?”

“i should fucking kill you! When did it happen?” Tess asked, sneering at Ellie. Alex heard what Tess had said and stood in front of Ellie, and she got into Tess's face, her voice threating. “You do that, and I'll make sure you have the slowest and the most painfull death ever-”

Elie shrugged Alex's arm of her and spoke up again. “It doesn't matter! You have to trust me! They're gonna catch us if we don't run!”

Joel looked at Tess, Alex and Ellie and he spoke up. “The pipsqueak is right. We have to move.” he looked at Tess and he spoke up, picking up the riffle officer had and flung it over his shoulder. “We gotta move Tess. C’mon.” he looked at the officer, who was on the ground, now definitely dead from Joel's powerful punches on his face.

He turned around and followed the girls and Tess, going through the fence, the sharp edges scraping his skin, burning him.

While they walked, Alex wondered how will everything turn out after Ellie saves the world? What will happen to her? Will there be any consequences? Will Joel and Tess be there when the situations get ugly, while they travel all the way to the fireflies. The ones that Alex gave up from long ago, before becoming her own person and doing everything on her own. Only the universe will know.

Until then, she will make sure that nothing happens to Ellie. Ever. Or that's what she thought.

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heartshapedbabydolls · 1 year ago

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On a sheep farm with Joel 💌🌾

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marvelwitchergilmore · 5 months ago

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Just Wanted To Hear Your Voice

Summary: Joel Miller x Fe!Reader -> You and Joel by no means are 'friends', but when things go wrong, you find comfort in hearing his voice.

Disclaimer: Mentions of murder, death, swearing, blood, gunshot wounds. Enemies to lovers, I guess. Single moms hitting on Joel. Hint of fake dating. Age-gap but not really specified. Angst, fluff/smaller intimate moments, Ellie calls Joel 'dad' and they have a cute moment. This is kind of a long one. Not Proof Read.

Yourself and Joel were by no means friends.

In fact, there hadn’t really been a time since you’d both met that you hadn’t knowingly hated each other. He found you too “new” – whatever the hell that meant. And you found him to be, well, an asshole.

You’d both first met through mutual friends. If you could call them that. You’d call Frank a friend. Bill was just…well, all being said he was a decent guy. He just didn’t take much to people.

A small lunch had been put on, allowing a nicer air of discussion around the topics of smuggling and trading. Initially, Joel had been…nice. As nice as he could be for an asshole.

But when he found out you were the one that the suppliers talked through, he practically ran in the other direction.

“She’s too new, Frank.”

Frank shook his head. “Just give her a chance. I promise. She knows more about this than you think.”

Walking around the corner, pretending not to have been eavesdropping, you held up a bottle of wine. “Figured this would go nice with the food?”

Frank smiled. Bill yelled.

“Did you take that from my-”

Keeping eye contact with Joel as you handed the bottle over to Frank, you yelled back to Bill. “Relax. I brought it with me. Your precious collection is safe.”

Bill relaxed after that and Frank went to find a bottle opener. And you stood with Joel in the sunny path.

“If you don’t want my suppliers, you can just say so to my face. But have it be based on their product. Not on how “new” you think I am. Whatever the hell that means.” Turning away, you walked back to the dinner table and acted as if nothing happened.

Ultimately, Joel agreed – however, to a smaller shipment.

“This is a trial run. If you get caught-”

“We won’t.”

For a moment, Joel looked confused, but then seemed to convince himself of something else and the conversation was cleared up before you all went your separate ways.

Except, the trial shipment never made it to Joel. At least, not all of it.

“You're short.”

“Trust goes both ways, Miller.”

Joel didn’t miss the way you were covered in scratches and bruises that were freshly forming. It had shocked him when he rounded the corner and found you considering he didn’t think you were also a delivery courier.

With a heavy sigh, Joel pocketed the goods and handed over his items before he turned to walk away.

“Wait.”

He stopped and looked back at you where he found you pulling an old card from your jacket pocket. “My details. In case you need to reach me.”

Joel took them reluctantly. “Thanks.” Then he nodded to your head. “You’re bleeding.”

“I’ll be fine.”

Then you walked away. But he called after you. “Hey, don’t you need mine?”

“Relax, Miller. I know how to reach you.”

Each meeting after that never got less colder. It was a business exchange being made with minimal trust via delivery system.

And then one day you simply dropped off the face of the planet when you were meant to be making another delivery to him in Boston.

“I knew it! She was too new!”

“Joel.”

“I warned Frank. I told him she would never-”

“She’s been good so far.” Tess explained. “Maybe she’s just having to lay low for a day or two. Security has gotten tighter with the fireflies going around.”

That was true but Joel couldn’t shake the feeling. Then one afternoon, your voice came over the radio.

“Wait a sec. He’s here.”

Tess stood from the chair and handed the receiver over to Joel who had just walked through the door.

“It’s Y/n.” Tess mouthed and the buried fury began to erupt inside of Joel.

“Yeah.”

“Joel?” Your voice crackled over the radio.

“You were meant to be here three days ago.”

“I know. But I’m not coming.”

“What?” Joel’s fury was starting to become white hot. “No, we had a deal.”

“I am sorry, Joel.”

He breathed out. “So what are you gonna do? Run with our supplies? Why call?”

You fell silent for a moment before your voice crackled back over the radio. “Guess I just wanted to hear your voice. I am sorry. To both of you.”

Then you signed off.

And he never heard from you again.

Until he found himself in need of an extra pair of hands at the house Tommy and Maria had set him and Ellie up in. As he stood on his porch in the morning sunlight, he heard a familiar set of tires pull up against his driveway.

First, Tommy stepped out of the passenger side. “Hey, figured you might need some extra panels. The ones around here have mostly rotted away with the winter.”

Then the driver stepped out. And Joel had to check he was still alive.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.” You had beaten Joel to his own thoughts.

“Tommy, what the fuck is she doing here?”

Rounding his truck with the extra panels over his shoulder, Tommy looked between both yourself and Joel. “You’ve both met?”

“Yeah, I ran a couple supplies to him a while back.”

“Run off with them more like. What the fuck are you doing here?”

Placing your sunglasses into your shirt pocket, you climbed the stairs of his porch. “Wow, warm welcome. If you must know, I moved here. And I’m guessing you have, too.”

Tommy piped up. “Yeah, Y/n found us after-”

You shot a look at Tommy and he shut up. “After I left Frank and Bill. They left a note for you, if you’ve seen them.”

Joel nodded. “I got it.”

“Good.” And for a moment, the short silence was awkward. “So what can I do?”

“Fuck all.”

Tommy slapped his brother on the shoulder. “She can help fix this porch before Ellie falls through the rotting wood.”

“I can do it myself.”

You looked around and then back at Joel. “Couple extra hands can’t hurt.”

You were right. Joel hated that you were right. And the only reason why he didn’t completely kick you from his home was because the image of Ellie’s foot slipping through one of the wooden slats earlier that morning kept flashing through his mind.

You were banned early on from his porch, left to measure and cut wooden slats for one side of the porch whilst Tommy worked on the one between yourself and Joel, and Joel worked on the opposite side.

Most of it was finished by the time Ellie came strolling back up the driveway. “Joel, you won’t believe what happened today- Hi.”

You looked at Ellie and smiled. “Hi.”

From where Ellie was standing, you were a friend of Tommy’s. “I’m Ellie.”

You went to shake Ellie’s hand and introduce yourself when Joel came around the corner. “I’m-”

“Nobody. Ellie, get inside.”

From the look Joel gave at the sight of you, Ellie didn’t question his order. But she did question his judgement. So, just before he shut the door behind her, she turned back to him.

“Be nice.”

“I am nice.”

Ellie looked around. “Has she been helping all day?”

Joel couldn’t bring himself to voice the answer so just nodded.

“Then be nice.”

Joel just turned her around and lightly pushed her inside. “There’s some soup on the stove.”

Ellie was quick to turn back around just before he shut the door. “I’ve got homework and I…I don’t know…”

Joel just nodded. “I’ll help you.”

Ellie smiled. “Thank you. And be nice.”

An hour or so later, Joel had finally gotten rid of you, leaving him and Tommy with Ellie as she sat at the kitchen table trying to figure out her homework.

Which Joel and Tommy were no help with.

“When would I ever need this shit?”

“Ellie,” Joel sighed. “Language.”

“When would I ever need this stuff?”

Joel nodded. “Better.” Then he turned to Tommy.

“Don’t ask me. I don’t know how a fucking thing is taught anymore.”

“Well do you know who does?” Ellie asked.

“Can’t you ask your teacher?” Joel asked but Ellie shook her head. “Why not?”

“She’s…scary.”

Joel held back a laugh. “She’s scary?”

Ellie didn’t know how else to put it. “She got mad because I didn’t do fractions how she wanted me, too.”

“Did you get the right answer?”

She nodded. “Still got mad though.”

Joel looked to Tommy. “How can fractions change?”

Tommy shrugged. “Beats me. But I do think I know someone who might be able to help. Promise they’re not scary. She tutors a couple of the kids in the square. I can ask if she can drop by later on.”

“Really?”

Tommy nodded. “Sure, kid.”

It was a day later when Joel got a knock to his front door and found you standing there.

“What the fuck are you-”

You held back your smile. “Doing here? Guess I just wanted to hear your voice again.”

Joel wasn’t amused. You held your hand up. “I’m just here to help your daughter. Trouble with homework?”

“You’re the tutor?”

You nodded. “I’m the tutor.”

“You’re a smuggler.”

“I was a teacher before I was a smuggler.”

Then Ellie’s voice called out. “Joel! Who is it?”

Ellie appeared by his side, holding the door open wider. “Oh, hi.”

“Ellie, right?”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

“I’m Y/n. I’m, hopefully,” you looked from Joel and back to Ellie, “going to be your new tutor.”

“Promise you won’t get mad if I don’t do it your way?”

You nodded. “A lot of kids, and parents, learn differently from the way your teacher wants people to learn. Promise I won’t get mad.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” Then Ellie looked at her dad and nudged him. “Joel…”

“What?”

“Let her in. I need her help.”

Reluctantly, Joel let you inside your home. “Come on, kitchen’s this way.”

You followed Ellie through her home and towards where she’d set up her homework station and you sat opposite her whilst Joel brought in a couple of old items from the garage outside and laid them on the kitchen island.

By the looks of it, the things he was ‘fixing’, weren’t in desperate necessity of a new working life. Especially considering he only ‘worked’ on them when you looked in his direction.

“Is he always like this?” You whispered to Ellie across the table. Ellie looked to her dad.

“Sometimes. Do you two know each other or something?”

You nodded. “Or something.”

“Aren’t you meant to be talking about contemporary…normal…analytics or something.”

You looked at Joel and smiled. “Or something.” Then you turned back to Ellie when he finally looked you in the eye.

“Let’s try the next line.”

You were in Joel’s home for another hour before you looked at your watch. “I’ve got to go, but I run a small class in the dance hall every Tuesday if you want to join us next week? I think you’d find it fun. You don’t even have to talk if you don’t want to. But it can provide some good insight into what you’re doing at school.”

“Why can’t you be one of the teachers?”

You laughed. “I’ve got my hands full helping others in town. But if your teacher is ever sick, I’ll step in.”

Ellie thought she already knew the answer. “How often does that happen?”

“Not very often.”

Ellie grimaced.

“But still, come on Tuesday. And if you hate it, you don’t have to come again.”

“Okay.”

Joel stood. “I’ll walk you out.”

And he did so, walking you to the end of his driveway towards your truck. “Thank you, for helping her.”

You shook your head. “Don’t mention it.”

“This doesn’t mean we’re okay.”

You gave a flat smile. “Joel, I’m just helping your daughter. We don’t even have to interact outside of you dropping her off at my classes in the week. I get you don’t like me, but that doesn’t mean you have to actively hate me. I’m just trying to help.”

“Like you helped me in Boston?”

You didn’t say anything in reply to that. “Goodnight, Joel. Give Ellie this.”

He opened the paper. “What is it?”

“It’s a schedule. And my radio code. If she needs my help, she knows where to find me.”

You and Joel didn’t talk much, if at all, after that. Ellie attended your classes when they were on and much to his chagrin, Ellie had found a friend in you.

Why was it out of all the people, in all the towns, in all the worlds, it had to be Jackson where you were? And why did you have to be one of the first people Ellie made friends with?

But one afternoon as he was sitting by the kitchen table, tuning up his guitar, he got a sense of deja vu.

The radio in the corner of the kitchen crackled and your voice sounded through its speakers.

“Why are you calling?”

“Just wanted to hear your voice.” You replied. “Joel, it’s Ellie.”

His heart dropped. “What? Is she okay?” He’d completely forgotten she was with you after school before she’d head to the bar to walk up with Tommy.

“She’s fine, but I think you should come down here. She needs her dad.”

Joel was inside the barn hall calling out for you and Ellie when he entered one of the back rooms that had your name and a large poster that looked like it had been decorated by some of the school kids taped on the outside.

As Joel walked inside, he found you and Ellie sat on a bench, your arm over her shoulder. And when you saw him, you whispered something to Ellie before she looked around and found Joel.

Immediately, she ran over to him and crushed him with a hug. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. Babygirl, I’ve got you. What happened?”

Joel managed to pull away a little so he could get a look at her face. “What’s going on?”

“I’m really sorry.”

“Joel, can I speak to you for a moment? Ellie, want to grab your things?”

Ellie looked to you and nodded, forcing herself from Joel’s embrace as she walked back to the bench to grab her bag and books.

“What’s going on?”

You sighed and spoke quietly. “It’s best if you ask Ellie about it but some asshole kid made a comment about Ellie and she stood her ground. As a teacher, I can’t condone her actions. I can’t condone what the kid said, either. But off the record, she was right to stand up for herself and I’m glad she did.”

Joel had to read between the lines from what you said and once Ellie was back at his side, he gave you a curt nod and headed for the door. He didn’t get any answers from Ellie until the next morning at the breakfast table when, in the open silence of the morning, she finally explained what happened.

“I…I know I’m not your daughter, Joel. But as families go, you’re the closest thing I’ve got to one. Some kid,” Ellie named him. “He said some things about me. About me having a family. A…about…about having a dad. Eventually, I lost it and pinned him to one of the posts and Y/n had to break it up. I…I didn’t stick around after that but she came to find me later. I know I shouldn’t have attacked him. He deserved it but I know I shouldn’t have…I just want to tell you I’m sorry and that if Tommy has to do something or if I have to leave, I will-”

Joel shook his head. “No. No, you did right. And, Ellie?”

She looked at him.

“You’re my daughter in every other way that counts. And if you want me to be your dad…I know we’re not blood but, if you see me as your dad…if you say I’m your dad, that’s okay. You’re my family, too.”

Ellie didn’t know what to say exactly so, looking down at her hands, she nodded trying to will the tears away. “Mmh, y-yeah. I…I’d like that.”

Then Joel smiled before standing and cradling his arms around his daughter. “And you don’t have to leave. Y/n’s on your side, too.”

“You really should be nicer to her. She’s a good person, Joel. I know something happened back in Boston but…are you going to hold it against her forever?”

Joel thought about it for a while. He probably would be thinking about it for a while longer, too. You had done what you had said. You had helped. You were helping.

“How about I make us some breakfast? Eggs?”

Ellie nodded.

Joel stood with a smile, kissing the top of her head quickly before turning around. “Sunny side up or scrambled?”

“Scrambled.”

“Coming up. You brushed your teeth?”

Ellie shook her head and stood. “I’ll be back.”

Just as she got to the kitchen entrance, she stopped herself and turned back. “Hey…dad?”

Joel turned around to face her as if it was the most natural thing in the world until he realised what she’d finally called him. “Yeah?”

Ellie let the moment settle. “Thank you.”

Joel just nodded before waving the spatula at her. “Go on, brush your teeth. And maybe run a brush through your hair.”

Ellie laughed a little before disappearing upstairs leaving Joel to finish cooking breakfast with a faint smile on his face. Never in his whole life had he ever imagined hearing someone call him “dad” again, but it washed over him like a fresh wave.

Then he remembered what she had told him.

What Ellie had said about you.

He never thought he’d be called “dad” again. Maybe some things could change for the better after all. He’d just need to learn to trust you more. Trust you in a way that didn’t have the end result be the same as Boston.

It took Joel a week to approach you.

During that week, you saw him across the square. He walked her to your lessons and waited for her every day. By day four, he stood a little closer to the building until one afternoon, when you thought everyone had left, his voice rang through your classroom.

No “hello”, no coughing, no calling of your name to get your attention. Just…

“Thank you.”

You internally swore at yourself for jumping the way you did. Looking around the room, your brain let itself relax when you realised you were correct in your initial thought of who the voice belonged to. Not the rest of the people your head named after him.

“Joel.” You breathed, a hand against your chest. Then you fixed yourself.

Standing straighter with a couple books cradled in your arm, you turned and faced him properly.

Joel felt a little awkward but considering you seemed to not mention how he’d scared you, he didn’t bother to mention it either.

“Thank you,” he repeated. “Ellie..told me how you helped her, so I just…didn’t want it to go unnoticed.”

Never in your life had you heard Joel say so much as a nice thing towards you. To others, it was few and far between. But to you; not so much.

You didn’t know how to take it exactly. “I appreciate that, I do. But that’s not why I did it.”

Ellie had told him the rest of the story when she came back downstairs for breakfast. How you’d broken up the fight, called out the student and warned the rest of the class before dismissing them. And how you’d spoken to her when you found her. You didn’t make her feel scared or “shit” as Ellie had put it every so gracefully to him. And if he was being honest, Ellie’s love for actual school was much better even just after a few weeks with you.

“She’s a good kid, Joel.” You told him. “I don’t pretend to know what either of you went through to get here. But despite whatever did happen, she’s a good kid. She, nor anyone else, deserved to be treated the way she did. She stood up for herself and I’m proud of her for that. And I hope you are, too.”

Joel could only nod. “I am.”

You nodded in agreement. “Good.” You went to turn away to collect the rest of the books but then quickly turned back around. “Oh, here. Let me give you this.”

Joel was about to walk himself before you called out so, standing in the middle of the room a little worried about what you were going to give him, he watched as you rushed towards your desk and picked up a piece of paper.

Walking over, you held it out to him. “We’re having a parent-teacher night next week. Just gives the parents a chance to talk about the kids and see their work for this year. They say it’s mandatory but I do hope you’ll show up.”

Rubbing his jaw, Joel read the page. “Sure.”

“Good. Don’t tell Ellie but I plan on showing a couple of her school books. She’s a smart kid.”

“Smart mouth, too.”

You laughed a little. “That, too.”

But all in all Joel agreed. “I’ll be there.”

“Goodnight, Joel.”

“Yeah, night.” Joel reminded himself that he had to leave and finally made his way towards the door.

Yet he stopped by the door and looked back to where you went back to collecting the rest of the books and he couldn’t help but feel his mind was changing on you. He couldn’t place why but the fact Ellie liked you was a start.

By the time Parent-Teacher night rolled around, Joel found himself being bossed around by Ellie as he got dressed.

“Put on the green one!” Ellie shouted up the stairs.

“What?”

“The green shirt. Put that one on.”

“Why?”

“Just do it!”

Joel grumbled but did as he was told. And once he was showered and dressed, Ellie practically shoved him out of the door. “Come on, we’re gonna be late!”

“Since when did you become so eager to get to school? I usually have to drag you out of bed.”

“I know but tonight’s important.” Ellie laughed. “Come on.”

Joel found himself laughing, too as he locked up before they both headed towards his truck. Maybe they could have walked but Joel had a feeling by the time the night had finished, Ellie would be about ready to fall asleep.

And when they did finally walk inside, Joel looked around before he spotted a familiar face in you. And then you spotted him and waved. Ellie waved back.

Then Joel was greeted by Ellie’s teacher. You chuckled as you watched them both step back and recoil a little. Like father, like daughter.

“Fuck.” They both swore under their breath.

“Mr Miller.”

Joel started getting flashbacks of his middle school principal who seemed to have a vendetta against him and Tommy.

“Ellie.”

Ellie nodded, moving to stand behind Joel a little. “Mrs Davis.”

“Mr Miller, I was hoping to speak to you about Ellie. She’s been, let’s say, a little harsh in her language since she got here. And, despite her improving grades, she hadn’t quite been grasping the concept of how we complete work-”

Joel and Ellie got another shock when you suddenly appeared from behind Mrs Davis, except this was one of pleasant surprises.

“Mrs Davis-”

“Please, do not interrupt-”

“Frankie’s parents are asking to speak to you personally.” That seemed to change Mrs Davis’ tune.

“Oh, right. Um, please…please excuse me.” You pointed her in the direction of Frankie and his parents and replaced where she stood and only spoke when she was finally out of ear-shot.

“Sorry about her. And please ignore everything she said.”

Joel raised his brow. “Everything?”

You both looked at Ellie and then back at each other. “Okay, maybe not everything. But she has been swearing less.”

Joel gave a ‘dad’ look to Ellie but she tried to hold back her smile as she held up her hands. “Hey, she said less.”

He rolled his eyes.

“Ellie, I hope you don’t mind but I’ve decided to show some of your work.”

“Really?”

She seemed shocked, rather than horrified. You nodded. “Both of you follow me?”

They did and once you’d all reach one of the middle tables, you held one of the books out to Joel.

“Holy shit.” Ellie whispered. Joel nearly shut the book to give her another look but she apologised and studied the books you’d laid out.

“Ellie, do you mind giving your dad and I a minute?”

Ellie looked between you both before giving a slight smile and nodding. “Okay.”

Then she disappeared into the crowd.

“How is she?” Joel asked, looking through Ellie’s books.

“She’s good. The swearing could use a bit of an improvement,” you smiled a little and Joel finally met your eyes. You tried your best to avoid taking a mental picture or keeping a written memory of how he looked. “She’s doing well, Joel. She’s even starting to make friends. It’s taking her a while to trust people, but she’s getting there like the rest of us.”

Joel’s stare softened for a moment.

You forced yourself to look away and back at her books. “She needs a bit of help with her maths and science but we’re working on that in our sessions. But she’s excelling at history.”

“There’s a museum not too far away. I was thinking about taking her to see it.”

You graced him with another smile. “I think she’d really enjoy that, Joel.”

He nodded, feeling pleased at your agreement.

“Look, I just need to go and speak to a couple other parents but, feel free to stay here as long as you’d like. We…we have the kids write in a diary every week. Just jotting down what they want to work on, or what they want help with in class. Some kids even write short stories and things. I think you’d like what Ellie did.”

Lifting the diary from underneath the pile, you handed it over to Joel.

“Last couple of pages.”

With a smile, you left him alone.

Joel opened it up. There was the usual. Reviews of books they’d read in class. What Ellie wanted help with (science), what she enjoyed (history). Joel found himself smiling as he read through the comments. He could hear her voice in his head as he did so.

Then he got to the back couple of pages.

It was different sketches of their home. Of their windows, porch, backyard. Then small notes; things he’d told her. Things to remember when playing the guitar, how to fix the porch, what things are in a car. Just small notes of information she believed important to her.

You didn’t know how long you’d left Joel to fend for himself. You knew the minute he walked in that all the single moms had their radars switched on. They already tried to get his attention whenever he walked past the school during the day. But this Joel was freshly showered and wasn’t covered in layers of heavy clothing. He had a green shirt that made his eyes stand out more than usual, his hair softening as it dried in the warmth of the building.

You didn’t know how long you’d left him alone, knowing it wouldn’t take long for the single moms to make their move. But when you were wading deep through double digits of parent-talks, Ellie came and found you.

“I think Joel needs your help.”

You saw when Ellie was looking and held back a short laugh. As Joel managed to get out of the grasp of one woman, another one popped up out of nowhere. And then another one. And another. And another.

“I tried but they kinda swarmed over and I got pushed out of the crowd.”

You chuckled watching the comedy play out in front of your eyes as Joel tried his best to escape.

“Okay, give me a minute.”

“I think it’ll take longer than that but, good luck.”

Making your way over, you called out to him before forcing yourself through the crowd. A few women were about to scold you for doing so until they realised it was you. The teacher. Apparently in search of Joel, the parent.

“Help me.”

Taking Joel by the hand, you drew him in front of you before taking him by the shoulders. “Sorry, ladies but I need to talk with Mr Miller for a moment.”

Practically directing him out of the crowd, you beckoned Ellie over and she immediately pushed around the crowd to get to both you and Joel. You and Ellie looked back to find the women still standing waiting for him to come back.

“I don’t know about you two but I could use a drink.”

“Yes.” Ellie agreed completely.

“Don’t you have work?”

“I’ve spoken to enough parents tonight. Mrs Davis will only speak to them after me anyway. Want that drink, or would you like for me to throw you back into the pack?”

“Anything but the second one.”

“Can I have one?”

“No.” Both you and Joel said before he added. “You can have a soda.”

Grabbing your bag, you showed Joel and Ellie to the back door of the school and you all took the long way round the building to get towards the bar.

“I’ll go and tell Tommy you’re coming.” Ellie took off running. Joel tried to shout back but she just called back.

“Be safe! I know!”

“That kid is gonna be the death of me, I swear.”

You laughed, slowing your steps as you and Joel were finally far enough away from the school.

“Thank you for showing me her work. And the other stuff. Kinda made my night.”

“It wasn’t the single moms asking you a thousand questions that did it?”

Joel chuckled. “Thanks for that, too.”

“Oh, you’ll need to thank Ellie for that one. She came and got me. Who knows, if she didn’t, you could have drowned in phone numbers and radio stations.”

Joel tried his best to laugh it off. But you disagreed.

“Don’t knock it. Hot and handsome single dads are few and far between in this town.”

Joel couldn’t help but repeat your words. “Hot and handsome.”

You rolled your eyes, trying to hide your slight embarrassment of letting your inner thoughts slip. “Alright.”

“No, no. Please. Tell me more of these hot and handsome single dads.”

“You’re hilarious. I hope you know how funny you are.”

“Why?” Joel asked. “Does that make me hotter?”

You rolled your eyes, trying your best to hide your smile. “Okay. Don’t let it go to your head, Miller.”

“Too late. It’s already there.” Joel reached for the door handle of the bar and held it open for you. “Come on.”

“Thanks.”

Entering, you found the place a little quieter than usual before you both met Ellie at the bar and Tommy made his way over.

“Here you go.”

“I already ordered for you.” Ellie told you both. “I didn’t know what you drank but Tommy said he remembered.”

You thanked them both before accepting Joel’s invitation to sit with them at the bar. Joel sat in the corner, his back resting against the wall whilst you sat between both him and Ellie as she moved up quickly before you could take your original seat.

And for the first time, you both talked.

At first, it was just about a few things around town. Joel asked you about how you got into teaching, or at least, why you taught tutor sessions but not lessons at the school. You told him the truth. Day one of you arriving here and meeting Mrs Davis, you knew you didn’t want to be dictated by her rules that were already scaring the kids enough into thinking they were back with FEDRA. They needed help learning and a safe space to do so. That was where you could help.

Then you told him you were sorry about Tess. He tensed for a while, unsure of what to say or how to react.

“I know she meant a lot to you.”

Conversation flowed for a little while longer than a distraction was provided as Ellie disappeared to the toilet and a group of moms walked in through the front door.

Then Joel ducked and somehow tried to shrink himself in the corner of the bar. “Shit.”

You laughed. “Oh please, they won’t hate you for it. In fact it just adds to the chasing element. More than anything they’ll be hating me for dragging you away for some ‘alone time’.”

“Why? Because I’m hot and handsome?”

“I regret saying it now.”

“They’re your words, Darlin’.”

You tried to ignore what his words and accent did to you, and tried to focus on the fact that one of the moms was making their way towards both of you.

“Where’s Ellie?”

“There was a line, she’s probably still in it.” You told him. “Relax, once she comes out, she’ll see that you’re uncomfortable and you can both go home.”

“You can see I’m uncomfortable.”

“Joel.” You leveled with him. “You look like you’re about to run out of your own skin. How could you have been a smuggler in the QZ for so long but be scared of a single mom? Just talked to her.”

“Where are you going?”

You were about to leave when Joel reached out for you. “Going to get Ellie.”

Joel looked at the mom making her way over. She was getting closer. “You said it yourself that she’ll be able to see we’re uncomfortable.”

“We’re?” You questioned. “Joel-”

But you couldn’t say anymore than that because the mom had arrived beside both of you and Joel had tugged you back by your shirt to stand with him.

“Emma, hi.”

She smiled at both of you. “Hi, um, I was wondering if I could speak to Joel. We didn’t really get a chance to finish our conversation since, you know, you came and kinda dragged him away.”

“Yeah,” you laughed. “Sorry about that, it’s just…” You looked at Joel hoping he’d maybe butt into the conversation. “We had to talk about his daughter.”

“I didn’t see you leaving with any of the other parents,” she mentioned to you.

Joel finally spoke up after clearing his throat. “I, uh, well, Ellie actually…invited her out with us.”

“Ellie did?” Emma seemed shocked.

“I did what?”

Both you and Joel seemed more than relieved to see her appear from behind Emma.

Emma looked from Ellie to Joel and then to you, back to Ellie and then she smiled. “I was just hoping to talk with your dad for a minute if that’s okay?”

Taking a quick look at her dad to see him subtly shake his head, Ellie half-faked a yawn.

“We were actually just about to leave.”

“But your drink is still half full.”

“That’s, uh, that’s Tommy’s. Anyway, we’d better be off. Ellie?”

As they got halfway to the door, you called after them, making something up to Emma. “I need to tell you about next week’s homework-”

The doors shut behind you and you rushed to join Joel and Ellie.

“Who was she?” Ellie asked.

“A woman.”

“She was trying to hit on Joel.”

Ellie looked at you. “Hit on Joel or hit you to get to Joel?”

“Both probably.”

Then something strange happened. You and Joel looked at each other and then started to laugh.

On the way back to the school, you explained to Ellie everything that had happened and she started to laugh with both of you before swearing to protect Joel when and where he needed to be.

“Hey, can I drop you off home?”

You hitched a thumb over your shoulder. “I’m just down here. But thanks.”

Then from the car Ellie called out. “Dad! Let’s go!”

Joel laughed and looked back at you where he found a light smile on your face. He tried to ignore what it made him feel.

“You better go, before she comes to hit me to get to you.”

Joel nodded, laughing a little at that. “Okay. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Joel.”

As Joel drove back home, Ellie quickly falling asleep in the passenger seat, but not before saying; “I told you she was a good person.” leaving him to roll his eyes lightly and agree, he found himself thinking over what he had been feeling since he saw you show up beside Mrs Davis.

Maybe his feelings for you were starting to change more than he had expected.

And they only continued to change over the following months.

Three months later, Joel found himself as your actual friend. Between your tutoring sessions with Ellie, and being forced to work together by Tommy when he was a couple hands short for a couple jobs that needed doing around town, you’d both become friends.

And he’d learnt to trust you. And you had learnt to trust him.

From running the lunch tables in the school every Tuesday and Thursday and Friday together, to taking on a couple of patrol shifts on the weekends together, you and Joel earned each other's trust.

And between all of that, you had somehow become Joel’s shield from the rest of the single mothers in the town that did not wish to hide their already obvious crush on Joel.

Until that shield began to crack.

“I heard she left them for dead. Why would anyone want to be with someone like that…he deserves so much better.”

“Left them for dead, more like killed them for everything. And for what? So she can come and teach our kids and steal our men.”

“I’ve tried talking to Maria but she must have her claws in her, too. She doesn’t want to listen to reason. Joel doesn’t deserve her. Nobody does. The stories people tell. And she doesn’t deny them.”

Tommy leaned over the bar. “Don’t listen to them.”

“Hard not to when gossip about you changes every hour.”

“Have you even told Joel what happened?”

You shook your head.

“Why not?”

“I’m happy where I’m at with him. I’m able to help Ellie without her dad wishing me dead because I bailed on a trade.”

Tommy didn’t have the chance to reply because another mom came and sat beside you. “He doesn’t deserve you, you know. He has the choice of a lot of women in this town, and he chooses you? Why?”

You sighed. “Like I told Emma, and Ashely and Tracy and every other mom in your friend group. Joel and I are not dating. We are not a thing. If you want to talk to him, then go ahead but do not blame me for something that I am not doing. And if Joel doesn’t want to talk to you, then maybe take the hint.”

“Why wouldn’t he want to talk to us? What have you been telling him?”

You looked across the bar and shouted to Tommy. “Schedule’s in the glasses!”

“Oh, okay. Thanks!”

And you stood up. But the mom gripped onto your arm to stop you from walking away.

“We know the truth about you and sooner or later, he’ll come to his senses.”

Ripping your arm from her grasp, you made your way out of the doors and down the square. As much and as hard as you tried to forget what she had said, the stories, the gossip and what she had said to you continued to play on your mind.

But a week later, none of that mattered. At least for you. For Joel and Ellie, it meant something different.

When Joel had gotten up that morning, he went about his routine. Getting into the shower, getting dressed, waking Ellie up, getting his work gear ready, knocking on Ellie’s door once again, making breakfast, knocking on her door a third time before she swung it open and stumbled out of her bedroom and into the bathroom. Eating breakfast with his daughter before driving her to school and heading to work.

Except, when he finished work and went to pick Ellie up from the group tutor session after school, he found her sitting outside the doors already waiting for him.

“How was school?”

“Y/n didn’t turn up.”

Joel was confused. “What?”

“I waited for her to, but she didn’t.”

Joel checked the radio. “Did she cancel the session?”

Ellie shook her head. “We were meant to go over the new science homework.”

“Did you try to find Tommy?”

“Couldn’t find him. The dude in the bar said he was on patrol.”

Joel hummed, trying his best to make sure his mind remained focused. Maybe you’d just gotten caught up doing another job. You wouldn’t have forgotten about the kids.

But before he could drive away, there was an uproar of noise coming from the main gates where Tommy rode in as quickly as he could before coming to an abrupt halt.

“What’s going on?”

Joel switched off the engine and unbuckled his seatbelt. “Stay here.”

Ellie did as she was told but wound down the widow in hopes she’d be able to hear what was being said.

“Tommy!”

“Joel! I don’t know what happened but-”

“Who is it?”

Then Tommy went from frantic to unnaturally calm. “It’s Y/n.”

Then Joel saw and slowly made his way over. Your body was slung over the back of a horse before being dragged onto a stretcher. And for a second, Joel saw the worst. He thought you were dead.

“She should be okay if we can get her fixed.”

“What happened? Tommy!”

Tommy joined his brother as you were taken away. “I-I don’t know. She was covering a shift. We were meant to be back an hour ago. But when she didn’t turn up with her partner, I went to look for her. I just found her like that.”

“Dad?” Ellie had gotten out of the car.

“Get back in the car!”

“But-”

“Now, Ellie.”

She just nodded and made her way back.

“Go home, Joel. There’s nothing you can do for her right now.” Those were Tommy’s last words before Maria came running out of one of the town buildings and towards her husband whose hands were covered in patches of blood.

“Is she going to be okay?” Ellie asked, her face pale, as Joel got back into the truck.

“I don’t know.”

You spent the next three days unconscious and Joel spent his time trying to work out what had happened and why. You hadn’t been bitten. You’d been shot.

Joel had also spent three days hearing the whispers around town, hoping to hear any updates on your condition. He couldn’t bring himself to go and see you, and neither could Ellie.

But rather than updates, he heard…stories.

“It’s karma, though, don’t you think?”

“What they say about her? Everything she did? Maybe someone came to get revenge.”

“Maybe it was just self-defence.”

“Would she really do that here?”

“Maybe one of them followed her here and waited for her. After all, she never volunteered for that job.”

“Would you, though? Hunting those things? I couldn’t do it.”

“She's probably just looking for some sympathy. Not getting anywhere with Tommy’s brother – I heard they’ve got a past.”

“A past or a past? Because if I had a past with that man, I’d be making sure it was present and future, too.”

“Would you shoot yourself to make sure of that?”

The woman laughed. “Honey, for a piece of him? I’d do almost anything.”

Over the days, he heard more than just that. Of stories about you and your past before you came to Wyoming. Some were nicer than others, but many were…if he hadn’t somehow become your friend over the last few months, he would have been saying the same thing. So…was it still the same? Were you still hiding something? He still didn’t know what had happened back in Boston. All he knew was that you had practically disappeared off the face of the earth.

When people like you sold his trade, it was usually to someone else. But he hadn’t heard anything. No extra sale. No new traders. Just complete silence.

He had thought about asking you a few times. Part of him, he guessed, still didn’t trust you. Especially since Ellie was now involved, too.

It wasn’t until a week later that Joel could bring himself to come and see you. They’d placed you inside the doctor’s surgery. You still hadn’t woken up but the doctors that were in the town seemed a little more hopeful for you pulling through.

“She’s still young, her body should heal like it did before.”

Joel had to do a double take. “Before?”

The doctor nodded and rested the chart at the end of the bed. “When she arrived here, she collapsed just outside the gates. Thankfully, I was on patrol that day – otherwise they would have shot her. They thought she’d been bitten but…”

The doctor gave a heavy sigh and they both looked back at you before he continued. Joel looked back at the doctor.

“I’ve seen enough of those bites in my life to know the difference between that and a bullet wound.”

“D’you know who shot her?”

The doctor shook his head. “She never could bring herself to tell me. But when Tommy walked in, she looked like she’d pass out again. She didn’t talk for three days after that…then…one day she just opened up. Tommy was the only one she’d talk to and I’d figure he’s the only one who knows that whole story.”

If his brother knew the whole story, why didn’t he ever say anything?

“I suspect she’ll be waking up soon, ‘might be nice if someone is here this time.”

Joel just nodded after a while, realising what the Doctor was asking of him. He’d stay. You were alone last time. You were probably terrified to go through what you did for, as far as he knew, a second time. You shouldn’t have to be alone when you’d wake up, too.

Except, as he sat by your bed, he’d gathered more questions in his head than he had answers.

It took you a while before you could bring yourself to open your eyes, almost like you’d had the deepest sleep of your life and you weren’t ready to get up yet. Beneath your hands and legs you became familiar with the feeling of bedsheets.

Slowly your fingertips felt for some kind of grip. Some kind of notion that you weren’t still left in the dirt, buried between the trees and moss alone. One hand provided you relief. Bedsheets. The other…

Opening your eyes, the brightness cut through your vision until you finally blinked them open and found Joel’s hand in yours.

Carefully looking around the room, you recognised where you were. Only, the last time you were in the same bed, in the same room, you had woken to find yourself alone.

“Take it easy. Tommy…he found you and brought you back.”

You swallowed but your throat felt like it had been attacked by a grater. “How…how long have I been out?”

“Little over a week.”

You relaxed back into the pillows and closed your eyes, forgetting your hand was enclosed in Joel’s.

“Do you remember what happened?��

It took you a moment but you eventually nodded. “The doc…he told me this isn’t the first time you’ve been shot…”

Opening your eyes, your gaze met Joel’s. He looked curious…concerned.

“What happened before you got here?” You waited for his true question. And you didn’t have to wait long.

“What happened back in Boston?”

You figured he’d ask you one day. You just hadn’t expected it to be like this. Joel let you take your time. Blinking back the oncoming tears. Trying to control your breathing. Trying to control your fears from hitting you at full force.

“I was with my team.” You took your time explaining what had happened. When you’d realised Tommy was Joel’s brother, you explained what you could to him. You could deal with Joel hating you for what you’d done. You would have felt the same. But you didn’t want the one place you might have been able to call a home to be thrown away on conspiracy.

“We’d run the route a thousand times. I’d done it on my own for years. But, one night it just poured with rain. Buckets and buckets could have been filled. I remember finding new lakes in parks when I got out, but…umm…”

You swallowed thickly and bit back the tears.

“We were only a couple miles out of Boston so we found shelter. Checked it over. It was clear. We would have been safe for the night. A couple of us stayed on watch for a while but I must have fallen asleep,” tears came to your eyes and a few escaped down your cheeks. “Because…”

You didn’t know where from but you gathered enough strength to bring your voice back, even if only for a short moment.

“Because when I woke, half of my team was missing. A couple of our supplies had been thrown around the place. Grabbed my gun, woke the others and started searching the building. We found the rest of our team on one of the upper floors. One…one of my guys got bit. But he didn’t want to…he didn’t want to die. He’d convinced himself he wasn’t infected and when the others saw, I guess they tried to do something about it but he got…he got one over on them.”

Joel waited for you to continue but then noticed the twitching in your side. You sat up quickly and tried to lift your t-shirt. “It…ahh.”

You closed your eyes from the pain and squeezed Joel’s hand just before he stood up and reached for some of the balm the doctor had made and left by your bedside.

Rounding the bed, Joel sat beside you. “Come here.”

“Joel, it hurts.”

“I know, I know. Can I lift your shirt?”

You nodded and hummed in pain, letting his fingers slowly lift it up. “This might sting, but it’s gonna help.”

You heard Joel open up a metal screw-top tin before he gathered some of it on his fingers and rubbed it gently around and over your healing wound. You let out a small gasp and covered grunt in pain as the hand that had previously been closed in reached for his arm.

“I’m sorry. I know.”

You tried to concentrate on Joel’s continuous movements as he rubbed the balm into your skin. It was less itchy, and it was cooling down a little. The pain in your side was still there but it was becoming bearable.

“The infection came over him pretty quickly.” Joel’s fingers stalled for a moment before he continued, making sure he wasn’t causing more harm than good.

You could finally open your eyes again.

“It all happened so fast. I guess one of us moved and before I knew it…bullets were flying everywhere. I must have gotten caught in them then, but I can’t be sure. I just started shooting and he dropped the gun but then…Joel, he started biting. And I just…I didn’t know what to do. People were trying to help him, trying to help those he was attacking. I just fired. For a moment I thought I could get him out, maybe lose him outside and get back in time. Find another way to you. But he was too fast.”

As your tears fell down your cheek, you hadn’t realised Joel had stopped rubbing the balm into your side and was holding you steady whilst his hand held your face, his thumb tracing the tears away.

You finally looked at him. “I shot them all, Joel. He’d bitten them all. Some in the neck, others in the arm. A few hours and my team that knew every smuggling route, that knew every way into a QZ without being detected, that…that were my family. I tried to wait. Hoped that maybe it was just a bullet graze. That they’d be okay but…just as one turned, so did the others…”

Joel didn’t know fully what to do. If he had known…

He pulled you close to him, kissing your temple before holding you against him. You didn’t know how long he held you for, but you knew he never let you go. He never left your side. He didn’t even try to.

“I don’t know how long it was before I radioed through to you. All I remember was seeing a lot of blood on the floor and wondering why it was down my clothes. But I was glad to hear your voice. Even if you did hate me for bailing on you.” You eventually explained. “I’d managed to get some supplies to take with me. Fixed what I could of my wounds and prayed I’d make it some place. For a while I was okay, my wound was healing. But then I guess I ran into the wrong people. Some guy decided to start firing and I got hit again. I don’t know how long I ran for but the last thing I remembered was hearing horses.”

“Does Tommy know all of this?”

“Parts, but not all.”

Joel wondered whether or not he should tell you about what he’d heard over the last few days. “People…they’ve been talking since you came back…what happened when you went out?”

You shook your head. “I don’t know. I just remember hitting something and then a sharp pain. I told my partner to meet me at the bottom of the hill. Guess the others finished the same as him.”

“What do you want me to tell Ellie?”

“Just tell her I’ll be okay. She doesn’t need to know the whole story yet.”

“Too late.”

Joel and you looked towards the door and found Ellie standing in the hallway. “Mrs Davis let us out early. I wanted to come and see you. And…I’m glad you’re okay. And as far as I’m concerned, everyone can go fuck themselves.”

“Ellie. What have I told you about eavesdropping?” Joel asked her as she walked inside.

“Not…to do it.” She answered slowly. “But you know I’m right. You’ve heard the stories, too.”

“Stories?”

Joel sighed and turned back to you. “People in this town…they’ve got nothing better to do but gossip about what happened to you before you came here.”

Ellie jumped into the chair where Joel had previously been sat. “Yeah, and some of em’ are wild.”

You looked between her and Joel. “Like what?”

Joel looked from his daughter to you and sighed. “Most of them aren’t so nice, but…” Silently, Joel gave his permission to Ellie to tell you.

“There’s one that says you’re some bigwigs daughter who ran away to run his kingdom but then you got overthrown by a rebel group so now you’re waiting here before you can take your kingdom back over.”

You raised your brows. “Wow.”

“And someone else has said you’re actually a fortune teller that is secretly training us to help you and your psychic army to take over the cordyceps and make them human again.”

That one made you laugh a little.

“People have nothing better to do with their time.” Joel told you.

You shook your head. “It’s okay. The people…” you looked at Joel and Ellie. “The people that need to know the truth already know. Nobody else matters.”

Joel smiled at you before looking over at his daughter. “Go and find the doc so he can look her over.”

Ellie nodded before pulling herself out of the chair and spinning out of the door. “I’m really glad you’re okay, Y/n.”

You smiled before looking back at Joel finding him looking at you, too. Then you found your fingers tracing his own.

“I’m really glad you were here with me when I woke up.”

Joel smiled before lifting his hand and lightly brushing the few stray hairs from your face before his eyes found yours.

“Guess I just wanted to be the first to hear your voice.”

You smiled, hearing your own words echoed back to you from him. You leaned into his touch before you felt yourself lean forward a little only to have his lips meet yours in a tender kiss.

With a little confidence growing around your heart, you leaned in a little closer, feeling Joel’s fingers dig a little into your hair as he pulled you closer, and into a deeper kiss.

“Hey, the kid told me- whoa.” Tommy stalled in his tracks and covered his eyes. “Uh, sorry. I…I guess you’re okay. Uh, yeah. I-I’m just gonna-”

Tommy looked around himself, making sure the door he came through was still there and accessible for him to leave through it. “Good–Good door frame job.” He tapped it twice. “I-I’ll remember to knock on next time.”

You chuckled a little, leaning into Joel the same as he did with you as he watched his brother become 12 again and leave through the door.

“I guess we should wait until we’re actually alone before Ellie comes running through her and gets the shock of her life.”

Joel chuckled. “I guess you’re right.”

But he couldn’t help himself. Kissing you once more, you both made sure to listen out for the jingle of the door and when you did, Joel made sure to sit up a little as you leaned back. However, your hand remained in his, his thumb brushing continuously over your knuckles. He pressed a quick kiss to them before Ellie appeared through the door with the doctor who seemed more than relieved to see you awake and alive.

Maybe when you and Joel had met, you were the furthest thing from friends. But now, with a developing connection and deeper feelings, you found yourselves moving further from friends, but in the opposite direction.

Towards happiness.

Towards love.

Towards the light.

249 notes · View notes

mydreamfortress · 1 year ago

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My Joel 🌾

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pedrospookie · 5 months ago

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I like you.

summary: Jackson!Joel Miller x Eldest Daughter Reader, Just an afternoon in Jackson, Wyoming with Joel Miller.

a/n: This is (kinda) the first Eldest Daughter Reader fic among a sea of others that I am currently working on. This one is for the Eldest Daughters™️ who were left to be their own company for a long time. I mentioned in a post a few days ago that some of these stories are a little self-indulgent, and this one most definitely is. I was always a kid who was left to play by themselves and who was often treated as a second choice or plan B. This is also stemmed from hearing “i love you, but i don’t like you” growing up, especially during my teenage years. I know that we need to do the work to heal, grow and love ourselves, but we can also allow ourselves to have experiences that help us heal or at least believe/find the trust that we deserve it (because we do!). Anyway, here’s a little bit of Fix it Joel 👷‍♂️ for the Eldest Daughter. I hope you like it!

warnings: mild swearing, hints at infidelity (not Joel), the reader having some (what i feel are) ugly guilty feelings, light smoochin. Fluff.

wc: 2.3k words

It was a quiet day in Jackson, the streets filled with the chirping of birds and a lazy breeze, cartoon-like clouds drifting through the vast sky of the flat lands as people blissfully went about their day. After a tediously bitter winter, the kind that nipped at your fingers and left a lingering chill for anyone who dared to venture into the tundra, the burning sun and fragrant blossoms thawed the people of Jackson, casting a much needed warmth and sense of serenity over the sleepy town of survivors.

Today’s patrol went without a hitch— the regular route was relatively trouble free; a few fallen branches blocking the trail and the odd foot caught in the mud posed mild inconvenience, but it was nothing compared to your life before Jackson. The river that flowed along the outskirts of the town had finally melted it’s final peaks of ice, and the meadow just past the gates to Jackson was starting to become lush with tall grass, wild flowers scattered across the soft bed like confetti. It had been weeks since an infected was spotted. The murmuring speculation across town led to a single theory; that the virus could not survive the harsh winter, allowing a decline in infected. Regardless if it is fact or fiction, you’ll take it. Especially if it meant getting home early.

While the winter may have been frosty and daunting, your heart remained warm through the tough season. A certain someone had slowly found their way into your heart, providing emotional shelter from the storm. One cozy, snowy night at The Tipsy Bison, bonding over a shared love of Fleetwood Mac and Johnny Cash, led to another cozy night sipping whiskey, and then another, and then another.

Joel’s companionship gradually seeped into your life. It was an adjustment, having lived the life of a lone wolf, even before the world ended, yet Joel filled the quiet, yearning space that sat in your chest. A space that had you had become so well acquainted with from a small age, that it felt odd to have it overflowing. From the minuscule gestures of affection, sweet words of praise, or the moments spent together in silence reading, Joel was unknowingly and steadily mending a piece of you.

The gates of Jackson groaned an achy greeting as they opened, welcoming you back into the arms of the protected city after your quiet day on the outside. The trotting footsteps crunched under the gravel roads, slowing as you approached the barn, the horses anticipating their stalls. Leaning up against the wooden frame was a familiar salt and peppered man, his broad chest and strong biceps tugging at the seems of his white shirt as his arms sat crossed on his chest.

“Welcome back, darlin’.” Joel’s thick, weathered hand reaches for yours as you dismount from your horse, waiting patiently for you to find your footing along the hay floor. Once you were firmly planted back on earth, Joel’s gentle touch brought you into him as he pressed a tender, yet eager, kiss to your lips.

“What are you doing here?” You smile against his plush lips, breaking the embrace to welcome his pleasant surprise. “Not that I’m complaining.”

“I was doing some work at the barn.” Joel points behind him at the old structure before curling his fingers into your pockets and tugging you closer, his voice lowering an octave. “Y’know, the usual mending of hinges and fences and whatnot.” He presses another chaste kiss to your lips. “Thought I’d stick around for ya t’see if you were free t’night?”

“You’re just in luck,” you say with a gentle poke to Joel’s firm chest, “my schedule is clear.”

“Mmm, thought I could cook you up somethin’ nice for dinner,” his musky voice hums, a taunting edge to his voice. “Maybe split that bottle o’ pi-not that I found last week.”

“Oh, now you’re just talking dirty to me, Mr. Miller.” You feign innocence, batting your thick lashes as your gaze leisurely meets his deep, chocolaty eyes. His pupils wide and hungry, taking you all in.

“Just you wait ‘n see how filthy this mouth can be, lil miss.” Joel muses, a faint darkness rounding out his husky tone. If this was any indication of the evening Joel had planned, you were all in.

Hand in hand, the two of you made your way towards the town centre, discussing the difference between a flathead and Philip’s head, how you spotted a fox fishing along the ravine, and the latest town gossip, specifically why Nick got dragged out of The Tipsy Bison last night.

“You’re fuckin’ kidding’ me.” Joel gasps, bewildered at the juicy slice of small town gossip you’ve shared with him. “After everythin’ Melissa did for him when he got shot by those raiders?”

“I know, I know. I would have killed you.” You mutter back with a laugh, a sliver of truth in your words that is not missed by Joel.

“Rightfully so.” He agrees with a squeeze to your hand, eyebrows knitted together in disbelief of the story he’s just heard. “These fuckin’ knuckleheads don’t know a good thing if it hit ‘em square in the face.”

Your attention shifts to The Tipsy Bison, very location in which Nick had been tossed out of less than 24 hours ago, as a familiar twang calls out to you and Joel.

Tommy stood just past the swinging doors of the bar, hand reached out towards the sky offering a wave.

“Joel! The boys ‘n I are having a drink later. You should join us!” He beams, motioning Joel inside as he tosses a dish towel over his shoulder.

“Nah, s’alright Tommy. I have plans tonight.” Joel says with a wave, “Thank you though!”

“You sure? Jimmy’s back from Louisville,” Tommy’s sweet, boyish demeanour is replaced with a cheeky grin, “supposed to be bringing some good shit with him.”

“It’s okay, Joel.” You mention softly, giving Joel a gentle shrug. It was amazing that the Miller’s managed to have friends in other cities among this hellscape. While it was exciting to have been met with Joel at the barn, you felt a weird sense of guilt for holding him back with your plans. Sure, it would be disappointing if he were to rain check your evening together, but you also could understand if he wanted to spend his evening with a friend who had made the several day trek to Jackson.

Joel couldn’t quite read the look on your face, confused slightly by your words and watching the gears turning in your head. He tried to pay no mind to it, looking back at his brother.

“We have plans tonight! But tell Jimmy he still owes me a pint!” Joel’s raspy voice laughs in response. He then shifts his attention back to you; his deep, oaky eyes looking at you with a twinkle. He gives your hand another light squeeze before slowly leading you back on your path home.

The two of you continue your walk back to Joel’s house, waving politely to neighbours as you pass by the once white picket fences and attempts at flower beds that lined their front yards. Joel could sense there was something on your mind, noticing how you had suddenly fallen quiet after running into Tommy. He kept replaying what he thought was a harmless interaction over and over in his mind, eyebrows furrowing as he dissected each frame as it passed through his brain.

“Are you sure you don’t want to pop over and see your friend?” Your meek voice breaks his train of thought, immediately drawing himself to you.

“Of course I’m sure, sweetheart.” Joel smiles softly, immediately feeling relief wash over him at the simple question. “I got plans with you!” He nudges you gently with his shoulder as your pace starts to slow.

“I know,” you say, coming to a stop by the steps to Joel’s house. “But your buddy is in town, which the fact that you have a friend in these circumstances alone is a miracle, and you haven’t seen him in a while.” You sigh, pulling your hand from Joel’s to brush a fallen strand of hair behind your ear. “I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to see him…” Your voice trails out softly, catching Joel by surprise.

“Darlin’, I gave you my word.” Joel reaches back for your hand, his thumb tracing reassuring circles across the soft skin of your palm, sharing a pleading look with you. “Plus, I like hanging out with you.” His gaze softens, lifting your hand up for a kiss before slowly helping you up the steps to his house, his grip keeping you steady as you make your way up the ancient stairs.

“Those boys are nothin’ but trouble and I reckon they’d give me a headache in more ways than one. I’d always rather spend time with you.” He reassures with a wink, reaching into his pocket for his house key.

“You like hanging out with me?” A sneaking blush comes to your cheeks, the realization freezing your feet to their spot on Joel’s porch. Why did this come as such a surprise to you?

Joel thought he had been very clear that he very much enjoys spending time with you— he saw you nearly every day. He would beg for an extra five minutes in bed together, and insist on walking you home from the stables or The Tipsy Bison. There had been several occasions where Joel managed to bribe someone to switch patrol shifts with him just so he could spend his day on horseback with you. Joel loved your company— your thoughts, your ideas, your dreams, no matter how tame or wild. He could listen to you speak for hours and never grow tired. Joel had never found someone so easy to be around, someone who he could be his whole self around. Why would he not like spending time with you?

Joel looked at you in a way that was difficult to decipher. Flashes of worry, confusion and disappointment passed over his greying face, the lines around his eyes deepening as each emotion crashed over him at lightning speed as his eyes searched yours, looking for clues as to as he how you may be feeling. Maybe he did say the wrong thing earlier?

“‘Course I do, baby.” His warm, thick hands finding themselves along the contours of your face, locking your gaze with his. “I love hanging out with you.” Joel says with an assuring yet short lived smile, his expression changing to one of concern. “Darlin’, where is this comin’ from? Did I do somethin— Did I say the wrong thing?”

“No, no, honey.” You murmur gently, a small smile of your own creeping up your cheeks to ease Joel’s worry. “I just don’t want you to miss out on being with your buddies because you’re stuck with little old me.” You brush off with a laugh, attempting to look away from Joel, but his stubborn touch wouldn’t let you, coaxing you to embrace this moment of vulnerability with him.

You knew these roots had been insidiously planted decades ago, stemming from childhood, fertilized by chronic disappointment. It was something you were forced to endure for years before accepting it as your reality. It was easier to accept that you are just a convenient second option, rather than getting your hopes up to ultimately find yourself disappointed again. You didn’t mean to be this way, it ate you up inside that Joel felt that he was responsible for this fear trying to mangle it’s way out of you. He had never given you a reason to question his priorities, and as scary as it may be, you had to trust him. Trust that his priorities haven’t changed. He gave you his word.

“If I wanted to be with those idiots, I would’ve told ya ‘n worked somethin’ out.” Joel says gently yet firmly, tracing his thumb lightly across your cheek, drinking you in. A smile slowly spreads across his face as his eyes take in your features. “And guess what?” He whispers, breaking the silence, “I don’t. I want to be with you, spendin’ time with you, drinkin a bottle of pi-not and getting my ass handed to me at scrabble with you.” Joel looks shoots you a cheeky wink. “Now, I know bein’ round an old guy like myself may be a bummer, but you’re stuck with me, missy.” He clears his throat as his hands fall from your face, slowly sneaking their way into the back pockets of your jeans. “Not only do I love you, I like you a whole damn lot too. You’re stuck, whether you like it or not.” Joel shrugs playfully, his eyes softening from his playful smirk to something deep and sincere.

His words bring a faint blush to your cheeks and a growing warmth in your chest. He does so much to show up for you, but hearing those words brought you a peace that you didn’t realize you needed. Not only did Joel love you, he liked you. Quirks, baggage, humour and all. He embraced you for who you were and loved every molecule that makes you you.

“I love you, Joel.” You say softly, fighting the growing lump in your throat as you digest the kind words that he had just shared with you. “I like you too.” You add with a smirk, wiping the pooling tear from your eye.

“Good.” He says with a fondness, firmly pressing his hands against your backside to bring you closer to him. His lips meet yours in a soft, yet passionate kiss. Joel’s hungry mouth deepening the embrace as he searched for more, his tongue slipping into your mouth as his grip on your ass tightened. Your hands found their way into his salt and pepper hair, eager to let them get lost among his soft curls. Joel broke the kiss with a sigh, the desire in his eyes fighting with his sudden withdrawal from you. He slowly pulled one of his hands free from your back pocket, reaching back into his own to grab his key.

Joel slowly unlocks the door, lazily kicking the wooden structure open as he turns back to you, delicately pushing you forward with the one hand still in your back pocket.

“Now, let’s say we crack open that bottle?”

tag list: @evolnoomym @mrsmando @picketniffler @itsokbbygrl @mrs-hardy-hunnam-butler-pascal @slimybeth69 @marilovespedro

(I’m sorry if i’ve tagged you and you didn’t want to be! Just let me know and I’ll remove it 💕)

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damn-stark · 9 days ago

Text

Chapter 11 Eternal eclipse

Chapter 11 of Tragedy at the Miller’s

A/N- This chapter was an emotional one to write, more than the previous one

Warning- ANGST, talks of violence and death, thoughts of suicide, spoilers for season 2, Remember this is a rewrite not an AU, so the major stuff that happens in the show will happen here :)

Pairing- Joel Miller x daughter!reader (platonic of course :), OC x Fem!reader

Episode- 2x03

(If you want to be tagged let me know!)

————

What sweet escape is there from the deafening echoes of your father’s screams torturing your every waking second?

What mercy will erase the violent memories of him getting violently beaten to death?

What trick can you play on fate so it can cut your life line and stop you from hearing your father's last words repeating again and again, adding to that merciless torture?

“Don't look…baby.”

What is the answer to all your loaded questions? If it was not Abby, then what?

You look around the clinic bathroom for a quick answer, something that will let you join him quickly, but you find nothing until…you look past your reflection. There in the depths of that steaming bath water is your answer…

Nothing can be as painful as the torture you went through, and will go through from here on out, so there’s no hesitation or fear. You were supposed to undress and wait, but you dip in the bath, getting quickly enveloped by the steaming water, and seeing darkness when you close your eyes.

A part of you expects all that grief and trauma to follow you, but there’s a peaceful abyss in the darkness, so you sink under and wait to finally be complete with your family.

It’s the only way to know peace again. It’s the only way to end the pain that awaits you. It’s…the only way to be with him again…

Yet…you can almost muster a laugh when you hear the door open, letting in fate’s intervention. Your husband, Apollo.

Said man sees you completely sunken in and reaches in to pat your shoulder, making you rise from the water and not care to wipe the water off your eyes when you open them. You just sit there with your eyes downcast and dark, with the horror still clinging to you.

“I told you to wait for me,” he says the same way he’s been speaking to you since you reunited in the middle of the street; softly and like he’s afraid that if he speaks any louder, he’ll hurt you in some way.

“At least you helped by loosening up that dry blood,” he adds so he knows he’s not scolding you, he’s just reminding you kindly of what he told you—“I'm going to start with your face, okay, my love?”

You don’t respond or acknowledge him, you simply sit still as he rubs soap on the rag and then gently touches your face to gently and slowly scrub your father’s blood off your face.

“Maria and Tommy will be back, they just have to take care of other things around town,” Apollo fills the morbid silence. “Our friends will come visit soon, and my dad will take Teddy home later. If not, Maria said he can spend the night with her.”

Finally, after a long silence, you shake your head, letting him know without a need for words that you want Teddy to be home, and he doesn’t argue against it, not in your state.

Apollo would actually not dare to try and upset you at all, thanks to Maria and Jesse, he knows why you returned home in such a disarray. He doesn’t know what exactly happened or how exactly you got hurt, but he knows enough to ask for time off work to be with you and be extremely gentle with his words and actions.

He wants to know how you ended up getting hurt, but he can’t bring himself to ask, so he has no choice but to wait to read the reports. Until then, he just washes the blood off your face, and when there’s no trace of red left, he moves onto your hands, skipping your throat because the nurses had cleared that area when they tended to your wounds. However, when he starts scrubbing your hands, he notices how filed down your nails are, and the cuts on all ten of your fingertips, almost as if you had scraped your fingers until they bled.

Once again, he doesn’t ask; he just tends to you quietly until finally you lift your eyes off the water and pull one hand away to start signing.

Now, he doesn’t know as much as you do, but he knows the alphabet, so he understands when you sign, “ELLIE.”

“Oh,” he gasps and lets his hand hang over the bathtub to give you the answer you seek. “She had some broken ribs. They’re tending to her now by the best doctor, Mia,” he lets you know with a smile in hopes you’ll mirror it, but you just express faint relief and a light nod.

“She’ll need to stay here until she heals,” Apollo continues to share. ��Which is good knowing her. She’d probably try and get back to work tomorrow.”

You nod again in agreement and then pull yourself closer to the edge of the tub to ask after someone else.

“DINA,” you sign, making Apollo continue scrubbing your hand.

“She’ll be fine. The drugs have worn off, and they'll tend to that frostbite on her hand,” he lets you know, making you let out a short and deep breath of relief before you continue to look down at the water.

“And you,” he adds sweetly and with another sweet smile. “Will get to go home today. There’s no need to stay with a bruised throat. I think you’ll be more comfortable at home anyway.”

Home…

It’s supposed to bring you peace. It’s meant to be an escape from the everyday commotion of work and this apocalyptic life. You hoped with every fiber of your being that it would be an eternal escape anyway, and in some way, it is some escape. Home does offer some peace, but only because it offers sanctuary from the outside world.

You don’t fear that the infected will roam the streets, that’s not why you don’t leave home when you step foot in it. Home doesn’t keep the violent and painful memories away; no, you have those every day and every night.

When you close your eyes the first night at home, you think you’ll be in that peaceful abyss once again, but you end up back in that lodge, seeing your dad slowly slip away right in front of you.

Every single night it’s like you’re being tortured, feeling every raw ounce of grief and crippling pain. It reaches the point that Theo needs to start sleeping in his own room so he wouldn’t be startled awake by your screaming. You had advised Apollo to do the same, but he refused to, so every night, like clockwork, he wakes up to you screaming and offers you the comfort of his soothing embrace.

Apollo is the sweet reminder that you’re not there again, so you keep him close. Being near him or in his embrace eases your pain and makes days easier to navigate, but he’s not enough to ward away your paranoia. It’s why you don’t leave home for three months, because home is a sanctuary. Home keeps you from failing your dad again, it keeps you from being taken back to that lodge again and watching him get beaten to death.

Albeit eventually, sometime throughout those three months, Apollo has to return to work. He’s the head of the construction unit now, you see, because the previous one died, so who else can fill his shoes but the man he mentored?

Yet you’re not alone. You’re never alone when he’s gone. If it’s not your Uncle Tommy, it’s Maria, or Mia. Even Dina is around sometimes, but you’re never at home alone.

That would annoy anyone; it would annoy you when it hit a certain point, but why would a corpse be annoyed?

That’s what you are. A shell of a person who has a beating heart, working lungs, but no soul. It was sucked right out of you, leaving you roaming the earth like a corpse.

You do eat, but hardly. You take care of your son, but every achievement he makes passes over your head. You listen to Apollo, your Uncle Tommy, Maria, your friends, and Dina talk, but you never respond to anyone besides mindless nods and blinks.

Life just passes by. The snow melts, the bitter coldness begins to leave, and day by day spring slowly takes over the earth, but everything might as well be bitter, dull, and lifeless because you don’t bother to care.

It comes to a point where everyone who loves you, except for Ellie and Jesse, meet up at your house to talk about you, thinking you’re busy putting Theo to sleep. Albeit he's quick to fall under the spell, so you overhear everything that is said.

“It’s been 3 months, Mia,” you hear Uncle Tommy raise his voice at your friend. “If something is wrong with her, you need to tell us.”

“N-No,” Mia argues. “Nothing is wrong with her. Her wounds have healed. She should be able to talk now.”

“Then?” Your uncle quips with worry.

Mia sighs, and there’s a moment of silence before you hear Gail, Mia’s adopted mom, speak up for her daughter. “It's a trauma response. She may not be doing it on purpose. It’s her mind's reaction to everything that happened that day, but now it all depends on her. You can’t force her to speak. She needs to decide on her own.”

“And if she never does?” Maria asks with the same concern that everyone in that living room carries.

“Then she never does,” Gail puts it bluntly. “But either way, I’m going to start her therapy tomorrow. That's what you still want, Apollo?”

A second of silence passes before you hear your husband speak. “Yeah. We've been putting it off for long enough, and I…I don’t know how to help her anymore. Her nightmares don’t stop, and I…I don’t want her to suffer anymore. She doesn’t sleep. She doesn’t eat. I…don’t want this to take her. So please. Come.”

Tears slip from your eyes, and you rest your head against the wall as you take in his words and think about everyone gathered in your home, worried about you.

You don’t want them to be worried. You don’t want to be a burden. It’s all just…impossible.

Life…without him…

If you make a sweet escape, no one will worry. You’ll be no one’s burden, and most importantly, you’ll be with them again; Sarah and your mother, whom you never got to meet but was your dad's great love, according to your Uncle. Most importantly, you’ll be with your dad again. You crave that sweet afterlife so dearly…

An end to the pain…

However, one of the reasons you don’t take that path suddenly stirs awake and looks up at you with his father's sweet eyes, making you wipe your tears off your cheeks and muster a soft smile.

——

*THE NEXT DAY*

And then, in the silence of the day is an interruption. A disturbance in your day-to-day life.

Yet even though you were broken from the spell you were under, you don’t move to open the door after a visitor rapped their fist on the wooden door. You don’t pretend to be busy, you remain seated in your rocking chair with your blanket covering your legs and your crocheting project in the same state it’s been for the past three months, just a square.

The visitor, on the other hand, walks into the living room trailing after your Uncle Tommy, revealing themselves to be Gail. As predicted.

“Hello,” she greets as she walks past your Uncle to stand at his side and face your pathetic state, and since you can’t speak, you just offer her a tight-lipped smile before you look down at your crochet square and pick up the needles to pretend to be busy.

“Well, make yourself at home. I’ll be close by,” your Uncle Tommy interjects in the awkward silence, taking no time to turn away and walk off, leaving you alone with Gail and her intentions, you really don’t plan to entertain.

“Well, you can put that shit down, we both know you weren’t doing it before I got here anyway,” she says bluntly, making you pause and wait a moment before you drop the needles and keep looking away.

“We’re also not going to pretend that you don’t know why I’m here. You’re smarter than that, so get up and come with me.”

You draw out a deep breath and slowly raise your head to face her with a glum look, making her think you’re going to give her a hard time, but you pull the blanket off your lap and toss it on the couch before you rise off your seat.

“Good,” she praises you and doesn’t fret to walk off. You follow after her at a normal pace, not giving much thought to her grabbing a bag next to the doorframe, and not asking questions about where she’s taking you. You follow her until you notice that she’s heading to the backyard. That's when you stop in front of the back door, hoping that the door will close behind her, securing you inside, but Gail is quick to notice that your footsteps are not trailing after her, so she turns and manages to catch the door before it closes.

“Come,” she beckons you outside. “Just to your backyard.”

You step back, telling her that you refuse to follow along now, but she takes a step past the door as she keeps it open, and hardens her gaze.

“There’s no point in making you,” she argues. “But if you want to be difficult, I will be difficult right back. Come. Outside. I need you to see something.”

You think about her threat and know she means it, but what is her persistence compared to what she wants to show you?

You have an idea as to what she may want to show you after all, and even the thought of it makes you want to cry.

“Ellie gets out of the clinic in a week,” she then cuts through the silence to share that bit of information about a girl you haven’t gone to see in three months.

“Do you want her to see you the way you are? Is that the example you want to give your sister?” She cuts deep, forcing you to think about what she said and come up with an answer, which is no. You don’t want her to see you the way you are. That’s not the image you want her to have of you after she gets out of the hospital.

You want her to see someone…handling her grief. An example of strength so she can be so and know that it will be okay. Yet how can you be the very picture of that with the way you look now?

Thus, you drag out a deep breath and step forward, making Gail offer you a tight-lipped smile before she continues her path outside.

This time, you trail after her, and the moment you step outside, you gasp deeply as you’re hit with the simple touch of fresh air. You then immediately shield your eyes from the sun’s rays breaking through the branches of the great oak trees that live around your backyard, and duck your head whilst your shoulders tense up as you’re offended by all the noise that travels through the sky.

When you finally manage to catch up to Gail by the garden of wildflowers, your discomfort slowly washes away. The sun still slightly burns your skin and bothers your eyes, and the noise is just as annoying, but you don’t let it drive you inside. You let it all be as you keep your eyes on the vivid green leaves that decorate the oak tree.

“Look down here and tell me what this garden means to you,” she gets right to business with a strict and professional voice.

You remain defiant though and let your eyes wander the trees, feeling the sun stop burning and start feeling warm and kind against your skin.

“Look,” she presses with her voice raised, and so you proceed to blink and drag your eyes down, but you keep every feeling, thought, and memory at bay.

“So?” Gail probes.

You simply shrug, making her sigh and crouch to study the little yellow rue flowers that take part in the great wild garden.

“I think these Rue flowers are lovely,” Gail shares her thoughts, making you cross your arms over your chest. “When did you plant these?”

You don’t say anything, of course and since she already knows the answer, she continues for you.

“Was it after you came back five years ago? They’re very pretty.”

You bite your lip and glance away.

“These purple ones are really nice too,” she adds, and so you grip onto your arms and keep your eyes averted.

“Everything is just so lovely. I think there’s a purity to flowers. Grace. A resilience and a rather dependable beauty in this new life. You know? Infected roam the earth, bad people live amongst us, but this…these flowers are something you can always count on when you want to see something so perfectly beautiful. Furthermore, when you can’t see them, at least you know they’re still here, growing tall even through it all.”

You look down and see the picture she paints with the flowers. You can understand everything she says, but every personal meaning you have connected to all that’s beautiful is still kept away.

You meant to lock it away in the dark corner of your mind, but you weren’t strong enough, so it came rushing down. The only thing keeping it from completely crushing you is your fight to keep it at bay.

“Oh, ok,” Gail sighs and pushes herself to her feet before she pulls out something small from her bag that fits in her balled hand.

“If this doesn’t mean anything, then you won't mind if I torch it, right?” She says and catches all your attention.

“Tell me,” she huffs and reveals a match and a striker as she opens her hand. “What does this wildflower garden mean to you?”

You watch her pull out a match and hold it up between her and you.

“The yellow flowers are Rue flowers. You planted them with your dad in memory of your mother. Am I right?” She asks, and since she doesn’t get an immediate answer, she answers for you. “Yes, I am right.”

You swallow thickly and drop your arms to your sides to ball your hands tightly in defiance of what she threatens to bring out.

“The rest of these beautiful flowers are a reminder of who you’ve lost, right? Right.” She nods. “But mostly your sister. The one you and your dad adored. The one who looked after the both of you. The one you would spend breakfasts with just before she had to go to school and your dad had to go to work—”

You shake your head, and your eyes begin to sting along with your throat as your mind slowly gives signs of pain.

“These flowers aren’t just a reminder of her. But of that life with her and him. They’re the reminder that no matter what, your sister and now your dad will always be with you. Even if the flowers themselves aren’t showing, you know that they’re still here, underground, in the same way your dad is and will always be here. With you. Even if he’s not alive, he’s still here…with you. So what if I torch it?”

She won’t do it.

She won’t dare to, so you don’t give her what she wants or what she threatens to set free.

You remain defiant, so she chuckles maliciously and lights the match before she holds it up between you and her again.

“You think I won’t do it?” She reads your mind and smirks at you before she tilts her hand down to let the match dangle between her fingertips.

“Watch me,” she snaps, and you see her loosen her grip, making your heart begin to race with fear.

“I won’t let it burn my fingers,” she adds and looks down at the match before, in the blink of an eye, she lets the match go, causing your eyes to widen, and a breath to catch in your throat seconds before you reach over with the attempt to catch it.

Albeit you’re too slow, the match hits the ground, and the flames don’t hesitate to start wanting to consume everything in its path. So before they can kill the beautiful wild garden that holds everything sweet and hopeful, you quickly stomp out the fire and look at her bewildered and with tears welling in your eyes.

“Tell me,” she insists softer, and this time, after she almost took it all away, you feel it break like a weak dam.

Everything you tried so hard to keep away comes bursting out like a cascade of water, and when that happens, there’s no way of trying to put it all back in. It’s too late and impossible. Everything comes apart.

Every attempt to keep every feeling back washes away. The memories of the day you lost your dad are loud, and his last words are even louder, but it’s every single memory where he wasn’t being tortured, where you were happy, and when he was simply alive, that consume you completely, dragging you under the surface where you can’t breathe because of the emotions that come rushing up your throat, and where you can’t see because of the tears that cover your eyes.

The only way to breathe is by coming up for air, so you do. You surface and take that breath, and when you do, you can’t help it, you start to let out a mighty, painful wail like never before as if you had been holding everything back and only now were able to let it out.

It hurts. It really fucking hurts. It’s like every part of you is on fire, but you can’t stop. You let it all out and continue to wail for the father you loved and lost.

You lose your balance and fall on your knees. You almost fall on your hands, but there to catch you is none other than your Uncle Tommy, who had been on standby by Gail’s instructions.

“It’s okay, baby girl. It’s okay.” He whispers as he cradles you. “I’m here.”

You grip onto him and part your lips to utter your first words in months. “He’s…he’s gone,” you say hoarsely and wail again before you bury your face in his chest and sob like the day he died.

“Yeah,” he agrees. “He is, but never forgotten.” He whispers, and you cherish it as you weep and continue to weep. The pain of grief and loss doesn’t wash away with all your tears, nor does it just go away when you muster the will to speak again. Maybe grief will be a long companion, but the wildflowers are vivid with color, the sky is a sweet hue of blue, and the sun is brightly yellow.

“I think…these flowers will look just perfect in your garden.” Your Uncle says after Gail left, and you were able to stop crying, and able to pull yourself away. “Don’t you think?” He asks and pulls out a couple of lovely blue Irises still connected to its root, begging for it to be part of the dirt so as to not die.

“Gail brought them for you to plant,” he says, giving you the answer as to why Gail was carrying a bag that she left here.

“Where should we put them?” Your Uncle asks and brings the flowers down to a spot already occupied by many a flower. “Here?”

You scoff and remark at him hoarsely. “Are you jokin’?”

He sniffles and flashes you a sly grin before he gets on his feet, making you mirror his actions.

“There,” you point out and lead him to the spot to give your new flowers a place to thrive.

After a while. After you planted the Irises and spent time in your wildflower garden, basking in the sun your body has lacked for three months. Apollo comes home from work, finding you and your uncle sitting on the bench swing.

“Hey,” he says with an air of disbelief and hope as he sees you outside for the first time in months.

“Hey, Apollo,” your uncle greets your husband as he walks over to join you by the bench swing.

“Hi,” you still can’t get your voice to sound clear, but it’s not like it matters to Apollo; he still looks at you with shock, pride, and a twinkle in his eyes.

“Oh my god,” he gasps and quickens his pace to reach you faster, making you get off the bench swing to let him embrace you and undoubtedly hug him back.

“I’m so proud of you, sweetheart,” he coos as he holds the back of your neck with one hand and rubs your back with the other.

“Teddy?” You ask for your one-year-old.

“He was sleeping, so I put him to bed.”

You hum before you hug Apollo tighter, not saying it then, but demonstrating how much you love him.

You can’t even begin to fathom how alone he must’ve felt in the time you didn’t talk, and you were there physically, but mentally, you just weren’t there.

He could’ve given up or not been so patient, but he never complained or turned his back. He held you every time you woke up screaming and when you’d cry in the middle of the day.

“Well,” your uncle breaks you and Apollo apart, but you don’t stray from one another. He keeps his arm around your waist and you tuck your hand in his coat pocket—“I’m going to head out now. You’ll be okay?”

You sigh shakily and nod ever so lightly. “Yeah. Tell Maria not to come tomorrow. I…don’t know what I’m going to do, but I know I don’t need to be looked after anymore. Thank you.”

Your uncle scoffs. “Of course, Sunny. Don’t mention it, but how about dinner, then? At our place? It’s okay, don't bring anything with you.”

Without needing it to be discussed, you nod to give your uncle the okay, making him smile before he begins to head out.

However, before he can leave, you break away from Apollo to catch your Uncle in an embrace. “Thank you, Uncle Tommy,” you whisper shakily.

“You don’t have to mention it okay?” He assures you. “It was nothing. We’re family. Always.”

You nod, and he holds you closer before he interjects.

“You remember where we put your dad to rest, yes?” He asks.

“Yeah. I remember,” you let him know and then pull back. “Get home safe.”

He scoffs and nods before he waves Apollo goodbye and then leaves, leaving you and Apollo alone in the garden where you look at the flowers and think of everything you need to tell him. Everything he needs to hear after three months of you being…not here.

“Apollo,” you don’t hesitate to say, and look away from the flowers to meet his already attentive gaze. “I—”

“Don’t say it,” he cuts you off and closes the gap to be face to face with nothing but an inch of space left between you—“it was really nothing and we made a promise to each other the day we got married. For better or for worse,” he repeats those sacred vows. “I meant them and I live by them not only because you’re my best friend, but because I am in love with you and I couldn’t abandon you when you needed me most.”

You move in, leaving no gap left to be able to grab his hand and be physically connected. “But that’s it, you didn’t abandon me, and for that I will always be grateful. So thank you…I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.”

He shakes his head and brings his other hand up to cradle your cheek with his warm palm. “And you don’t have to. Ever so don’t look at it that way because you’d never want me to see it that way. Right?”

“No.” You shake your head right away, making him flash you a smile before he lets your hand fall to hold your face with both hands and keep your eyes on his so as not to stray even an inch.

“Tell me, what do you feel now?” He asks.

You cup his hands and sigh. “Like I’m here…my heart was beating and my lungs were drawing in air before, but I was never here. My body was only an empty shell. But now…now I’m here and it hurts so much worse, but,” your voice trembles. “I want to try and…make it hurt less. I want to keep talking to Gail.”

Apollo sighs with relief and then caresses your cheeks. “I’m glad to hear it,” he says. “Really. I’m proud of you.”

You draw in a shaky breath before you drop your head on his shoulder, letting him press a gentle kiss on top of your head before he wraps his arms around you once again.

“I’m here,” he whispers.

“Me too,” you whisper back and let a silence linger before you break it with a desire. “I want to go pay my respects. I want to see my dad's grave.”

“Of course. We can go whenever you want.”

“Now,” you blurt and pull away to find his gaze. “Please.”

Once again, Apollo is too kind, he gives in. “Okay. Let me just let our friends know. They want to accompany you, if that’s okay?”

You nod. “Yes, of course. I’ll get Teddy ready and we can go.”

He hums, and without delay, you do as you agreed upon. You wait for Teddy to wake up first, and then after he’s ready, you gather your friends, ride out of town, and find yourselves in Jackson’s cemetery occupied by all of the loved ones everyone’s lost.

You have never had to come until now, but you find no trouble in finding your father. You wish you had struggled to find his grave to have time to process the fact that he’s buried here and that you’ll never get to see him again, but you find his name amongst the row of other dead and instead linger behind to take time to process the fact that he won’t be waiting for you, or meeting up with you. You have to walk to his tomb placed where he’ll be forever. Even when you’re nothing but bones as well.

No one rushes you, though. They let you take your time and wait with you until you’re finally able to approach the tomb.

“Hi Daddy,” you greet, and for the first time in thirty years, you cast a shadow over him. “I know…it’s been a while. I know I wasn’t here when they buried you, but…I’m here,” you cry and crouch down, reading the words carved on the wooden tomb.

‘Joel Miller’

‘09-26-1967 - 01-01-2029’

‘Beloved Brother and Father’

“I’m sorry,” you blurt after you read the carved letters. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I,” you stammer. “I did try. I’m sorry.”

Footsteps close in on you before a shadow casts over your figure, swallowing your shadow before you feel a warm hand on your shoulder as they crouch down by your side, revealing themselves to be Apollo and Theo in his arms.

Apollo doesn’t proceed to say anything; he just stays by your side with his hand on your shoulder, stopping you from saying everything else you had to say, everything that was already written out in your mind after months of thinking about it, and leaving you with that weight on your chest.

“Teddy, why don’t you put the flowers down for your grandpa,” Apollo tells Theo, who’s already come to visit your dad with your Uncle Tommy and Maria.

“Just there,” Apollo instructs your son before letting him go, making you hand him a bunch of yellow Rue flowers that Teddy places down without a struggle.

“Good job, Teddy,” Apollo praises him, making the boy turn to smile with glee, and causing you to clap for him and his great achievement.

“Good job, baby,” you follow up by saying as you wipe the tears off your cheeks and offer him a sweet smile, making the boy get the idea to walk over to you to hook his arms around your neck and cling onto you instead of his dad.

“You did good,” you whisper to him and cradle the back of his head, remembering at that moment the first time your dad saw Theo and held him.

He was so happy that you thought his heart would give out with joy. He also struggled to hand Theo back, so you thought he’d leave with him.

Now…your son will grow up and not even remember him. He’ll know him by all the things you’ll tell him. Other than that, he’s too young to remember how much your dad absolutely loved him, all because…

You drop your head and hold Theo close as if seeking that embrace from your father in someone who’s a part of him. You know it will never be the same, but a part of your dad lives in your son.

“Why,” you pause and clear your throat of that ball of emotions caught in your throat. “Why don’t you say hi to Grandpa?”

Theo pulls away, but keeps one hand around you as he turns to face the tomb. “Ha,” he tries his best to say. “Ha!”

You giggle and kiss his cheek before you stand up with your son in arms, causing Apollo’s hand to slip off your shoulder before he slowly mirrors you and stays by your side.

“I will follow you,” Atlas breaks his silence as he sees you on your feet. “If you want to get justice for what those bastards did, I will follow you.”

“I will too,” Mia proclaims, abandoning her mother-like role in your friend group and showing a fierce and dangerous devotion. “I follow you too. It wasn’t right what they did.”

You keep your eyes on your dad's tomb and hear Mia’s husband chime in next.

“I know I joined your friend group because of Mia, but you’re special to me now too. All of you. And Joel was a good man. I will follow you too.” He pledges and all their words warm your heart. They make you happy, and they let you know that even if you’ve been a bad friend for the past three months, you can still rely on them like before.

Yet as touched as you feel, you know revenge is not what you want.

“Thank you,” you interject and pull your eyes off your dad's tomb. “Thank you, all of you, for your support. I appreciate it more than you know. I do.” You nod and then sigh deeply. “But,” you pause and look at each and every one of them. “That’s not who we are. I’m angry. Sad beyond measure, but I’m not going to gain anything going after the woman who…killed my dad. That’s not going to make my pain any less, and that’s not what I want Teddy to know either.” You express yourself with confidence because no matter what you feel, you know that’s not the path you want to take. That’s not who you are.

“Thank you, though. It really means a lot,” you add softly and look back at your dad's tomb, feeling that weight on your chest push down so heavily that you feel it pushing on your heart.

You don’t like the feeling, but you can’t find a way to get rid of it. Not even finishing what you were sharing before you got interrupted would have been the solution. They were just a manifestation of what you feel and have been feeling, so you don't know what the cure is.

It’s not revenge.

Is it time?

Or…

——

*THE NEXT DAY*

“You don’t think she’ll be mad at me, huh, Teddy Bear?” You ask your son rhetorically, but he looks over at you and blinks as if processing what you asked.

Teddy ultimately doesn’t respond, so you don’t prolong the moment; you secure the bag of goodies around your shoulder and then knock on the door and wait.

Moments later, there’s a response from the other side of the hospital room.

“Come in.”

You open the door and slowly push it open, revealing to Ellie, the patient, that it’s you. After three long months, it’s finally you.

“Holy shit,” Ellie gasps as she sits up straighter and looks at you with her eyes wide. “I thought you were dead. Or completely forgot about me.”

You close the door behind you after you walk in and then respond to her absurd comments. Which are reasonable, but it’s still absurd.

“No,” you argue with your voice still a hint hoarse. “I just…”

“Lost your voice,” Ellie cuts you off more seriously now. “Yeah, I know.”

You set Teddy down and he doesn’t hesitate to roam, taking advantage that he’s not being held, whilst you approach Ellie with your lips drooped and your eyes dull out of guilt and shame.

“It’s not only that,” you share. “It’s…I…felt guilty,” you confess and rob Ellie of her smile and make her slowly frown. “You shouldn’t have walked in seeing that and me on the floor not being able to…uhm,” you pause and clear your throat to avoid crying more than you already have. “Well…stop her. I should’ve,” you pause again and put down your bag of goodies as you stop at the edge of her bed. “I should’ve stopped her even if it had gotten me hurt or killed.”

Ellie stares at you hard for a moment, with the wheels behind her eyes churning fast as different thoughts form.

“For that, I’m sorry,” you finish saying and drop your eyes to try and fight back the tears that well in your eyes, regardless of your attempts.

“I think Joel would have died with you if you died saving him,” Ellie says softly, pulling your eyes off the ground to look at her with sadness—“and,” she continues. “It was a tough situation, so don’t apologize. Besides, he wasn’t my dad. He was yours. I should be the one who’s sorry.”

You take in her words and take a seat beside her to hold her hand.

Ellie looks down at your touch with surprise, expecting an estrangement now that your dad wasn’t alive to keep you talking to her, or expecting anything else but your touch.

“You loved him,” you argue with a small and wobbly smile. “And he loved you. There’s nothing to be sorry about. You lost him too.”

Ellie’s eyes flicker down to your interlaced hands before she meets your watery gaze and breathes out shakily as if dropping a mask that hurt her so much to carry. After that, for the first time, she moves in and surprises you with an embrace.

There’s no awkwardness. Just vulnerability that she lets you see, just like that time after David.

Yet it’s that same vulnerability that makes a different kind of guilt creep in. Yet, you don’t let it affect you at this moment. You hold her tightly, feeling a spark of bliss in your heart that only she was able to make you feel.

“You know…” you pause as you sniff her. “You smell like sweat.”

You pull back and study her face, catching a sheet of sweat glistening over her face, proving that what you smelt was right.

“I hope you haven’t been doing something you’re not supposed to,” you manage to tease her. “My best friend is the doctor of this clinic.”

Ellie scoffs and shakes her face with an obvious lying expression. “Nope, I’ve been sitting here…all day. Every day.”

You know she’s lying, but you’re not annoying about it. Instead, you pick up your bag of goodies and then place it over her legs.

“That’s for you,” you let her know with a happy little smile. “Before the outbreak, if you were in this situation, people would’ve brought balloons and stuffed animals, but this is now, and you get out in a week, so,” you breathe out and pat the bag. “I brought you a bag with foods you like and things to keep you entertained. This last week will be hell, so I think it’ll help make the days pass by faster.”

Ellie groans as she grabs the bag to rummage through it, causing Teddy to walk over with curiosity. “Wouldn’t your doctor let me go now? I feel so much better.” She says.

“Sorry.” You offer her a pitiful frown. “But that’s something I cannot make her do. Trust me. Unless you want her pestering you for a week.”

“No,” she grumbles. “They already check on me more than they should.”

You look over your shoulder to make sure no one is coming and then look at Ellie again as you pick Teddy off the ground and sit him on the bed. “I’m sorry about Dina,” you finally address the situation you’ve overheard Dina ramble about the times she’d visit. “I can maybe start giving her the cold shoulder,” you offer. “Albeit she did visit me and stay with me so…maybe I can keep it strictly professional.”

Ellie scoffs as she pulls out a brownie and breaks it in half to share with Teddy as he grows ever so curious. “Nah, I…learned not to be bothered by what she did. It’s Dina. I assumed she’d forget about it. It’s okay. However, I am sorry she visited you.” She says with a teasing look.

You shrug. “Well, I was out of it, but it was nice. We…share a memory that will always keep us connected, so I’m quite touched she went. It’s Jesse whom I haven’t seen. Has he come to visit you?”

Ellie nods with her mouth full, thus making crumbs fall out of her mouth just like Teddy. “Yeah,” she says with her mouth full. “Plenty of times.”

You hum and wonder again why he didn’t visit you. It’s not like you were impossible to reach, you never left your house.

But alas, you push it aside for now and face her with a faint smile. “After you’re out of the hospital, you are welcome to come stay at my place if going back home is difficult.”

Ellie swallows her snack and slowly lifts her gaze to find yours with nothing to say. She just sighs as her face grows serious and glum.

“Thank you,” she offers you, with no say if she’s going to accept your offer or not.

You don’t pester her about it as long as she knows that’s an option.

“Have you gone to his house?” She asks and looks at Teddy as he asks for more of her brownies.

“Uh,” you swallow thickly. “No. Not yet. I thought about going after this, but I-I don’t know. Maybe...”

She hums and grabs another brownie to share with Teddy.

From there on, you can’t think about anything else but stopping by at your dad's house. You argue with yourself between wanting to go and waiting for a different day.

Gail says it’s okay to take things slow. You’re talking again and no longer trapped in your trauma, so you shouldn’t want to do everything at once, but it’s been three months. That’s what you keep telling yourself until you decide not to go.

You’ll go on a different day, maybe when Ellie goes.

Alas, after the hospital, you find yourself in your dad's street, slowly walking up to his house, fully expecting to see him sitting on his porch enjoying the warm sun until you reach his house and see old and new flowers, drawings, and notes in front of his house in his stead.

The porch is abandoned and has a cold shadow covering the wooden chair where he liked to sit and where you found him for the last time, just at the start of the New Year.

Maybe if you walked to the front door and knocked he’d answer, you thought foolishly until you once again noticed the dozen of notes and bouquets left in memory of him, becoming a cruel reminder that no one would answer the door. No one would sit on that porch again to play the guitar in the sun, or try to fight his sleep as he tried to read.

Maybe if you went inside, you’d feel like a part of him was still there. All of his stuff has gone untouched after all, but when you approach the end of that driveway to prepare to walk to the front door, you come to a sudden stop.

No matter how much you wanted to move, your grief would not let you take a step forward because you knew he would not be there. You knew that you’d no longer have dinners at his house or have movie nights. You'll no longer come and find him and Teddy asleep on the couch, and you’ll no longer have someone to share a cup of coffee.

His house will be alone and a harsher reminder of what you won’t have anymore, so instead of going in, you hang around the fence to read everything everyone wrote and let Teddy see and touch all the things that call his attention.

There’s things that make you smile, but there are more things that make you cry as you read how much he impacted everyone who lived in Jackson.

It all brings you close to finding the strength to walk inside, but alas, you still can’t, so you linger where you are for a moment. When you get ready to leave, you hear someone walk over, so you stop and pretend you don’t hear.

That is until you hear Jesse say your name, causing you to turn and face him with Teddy in your arms.

“Jesse,” you greet with a hint of joy and the hint of a smile, but it’s a blink and you’ll miss it type of smile.

“Were you just coming out of your dad's house?” He asks as he glances over.

“No.” You shake your head and steal a glance at the house before you look at all the things and then at him. “I…couldn’t…you know? But it’s okay, Gail says it’s okay to take my time.”

Jesse nods in comprehension and gulps before he glances at the ground and doesn’t prolong the moment. “I saw you walking out of the clinic, and I thought I’d follow you to uh, tell you first, I’m sorry that I haven’t gone to visit you.”

You watch him and hang onto every word, but wonder why someone usually so confident is struggling to speak.

“And two…I’m sorry,” he says in a quieter voice than the one you’re used to hearing. “I should’ve gotten there sooner. Maybe that would’ve made a difference. Maybe he would still be here and you would have your dad, but I didn’t even catch the ones who did it. For that, I’m so deeply sorry,” he shares what’s kept him away with genuine guilt and shame.

“Oh, Jesse,” you whisper and close the gap between you to grab his shoulder so he can at last look you in the eyes—“you did nothing wrong. Nor do you have anything to be sorry about. Maybe if you had been there you would have gotten hurt too, or worse. What happened that day happened for a reason. So please know that I have never blamed you. I actually wondered where you’ve been.”

He scoffs. “Trying to think of the right thing to say,” he shares. “I just couldn’t bring myself to face you. We are patrol partners after all. Friends too. I just…felt ashamed I let my friend down.”

You smile softly and gently shake his shoulder. “Well, as your friend I want to tell you that there’s nothin’ to be ashamed about. Ok?”

Without making things hard, he nods in comprehension, so you offer him one last smile before you let him go and bring up a question. “You workin’?”

“I have some time until my next shift,” he says, so you nod and then share what you have in mind.

“Okay, cool, come over. I was just thinkin’ about gettin’ some lunch.”

——

*A WEEK LATER*

“You need to take that goat back to the barn,” your uncle tells you for the…third time. Not like you’ll listen or consider it. “It’s goin’ to get attached to ya…more than it already has.”

“What should I name it?” You ignore him as you look at the 1 week old baby goat who was ignored by his mama. “You know that some people believe goats are the devil,” your uncle tries to spook you so you'll leave the goat be, but you get a bright idea for a name.

“Ha, Lucifer!” You snap your fingers. “Isn’t that such a good name?” You tell the baby goat over your shoulder, as it doesn’t fall behind.

“Don't worry,” you now address your uncle as you glance at him trailing at your side. “It’s just until it’s weaned and just while I’m here working on the farm.”

Your uncle sighs since he knows better.

“It seems you're slowly getting your color back,” your Uncle points out as he smoothly changes the subject. “You feelin’ stronger?”

You nod softly. “Yeah. The sun doesn’t bother me anymore, and I’ve been trying to push myself when I’m doing my work.”

“Ok, but as long as you’re not straining yourself,” he warns. “Continue to take things slowly. You’re in no rush. You ain’t goin’ nowhere.”

You huff and flash him a smile, leaving a short silence as you approach the area you’re working at to fix the chicken coop.

Albeit when your eyes land on the area, there in the fenced area between the cows and the chickens are Dina and Ellie.

“Maybe you should give that same advice to someone else,” you whisper to your uncle as you both know that they’re up to something since Ellie is here just after she got out of the clinic after three months.

“If she asks what I’m guessing she’s going to ask, then I will,” he responds before you reach the area and acknowledge both girls.

“Hey Dina,” you greet as you open the fence door and walk in with the goat trailing behind you and your uncle trailing behind the goat.

“Hey…aw! Hello there, goat!” Dina says back with more enthusiasm for the goat than you.

“Ellie, I’m glad to see you’re out and about after just getting out of the clinic,” you direct at her, causing her to offer you a feigned smile.

“They said I should get fresh air,” she quips, making you feign a laugh.

“Girls,” your Uncle greets them. “What brings you out here on your day off? And on your first day out of the clinic, Ellie. Weren’t we all gatherin’ at Sunny’s house later to welcome you?”

She nods faintly. “Yeah,” she brushes him off. “But later I won’t get the chance to share what I just learned, so thankfully you’re both here so I can save some breath.”

You and your uncle share nervous looks before Ellie spills what brought her to the farm while you and your Uncle are working. And it’s nothing good.

It seems Dina finally told her about the girl and her friends who killed your dad, and now Ellie is requesting what you were afraid she’d want. Revenge.

That’s why you haven’t told her about what you know and why you told her you forgot, blaming everything on the trauma of the day. Yet it seems Dina doesn’t have the same precaution in mind. She doesn’t seem to know Ellie like you know Ellie, or else she would’ve never told her.

Alas…Ellie knows, and now she’s here telling your uncle and you to go with her to Seattle, so maybe Ellie doesn’t know you.

Yet you don’t turn her down right away and tell her that. Nor does your uncle turn her down either. Whereas Ellie makes your uncle genuinely ponder, you walk away to grab more wire and pretend to be thinking about the plan when, in reality, you just need time to breathe and gather your thoughts as memories of that day threaten to flood your mind.

You think about Abby, Owen, Mel, Nora, and Manny too. You see their faces every day, but you don’t see red like Ellie. You see betrayal, guilt, a deep aching pain, and a great sadness that threatens to take you down by adding to that unbearable weight that gets closer and closer to crushing your heart.

You hurt differently than it hurts Ellie, and that’s the only reason why you return to where they are to listen, but not even consider it.

“Well?” Ellie questions you and your uncle after you come back, making you put the wire down and take a seat next to your uncle before you bend down to pick the goat off the ground and cradle it in your arms.

“I gotta think about this,” your uncle breaks the silence, saying what you were going to lie about, so you end up being quiet and let Ellie retort.

“Think about what? Let’s fucking get these guys.”

Your Uncle glances over at you as you keep your eyes on the goat, as you try your hardest to fight your emotions.

“Ellie,” your Uncle argues and looks away. “It ain’t that simple. The town is still recovering. So are you.”

“Uh, we get where you’re coming from—” Dina interjects, but gets caught off by Ellie countering with annoyance.

“No, we don’t get where you’re coming from, I don’t get where you’re coming from.”

You clench your jaw and start to caress the baby goat while also slowly starting to rub your thigh.

“If it had been you, or her,” Ellie refers to you too. “Joel would be halfway to Seattle before the sun came up.” She argues, but she argues wrong. She argues completely wrong in your dad's defense. He might’ve been an angry man. He might’ve had a reputation, but he…wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t take a path toward revenge. He only got defensive.

“He’d be halfway to Seattle to save our lives,” your Uncle counters correctly. “But when we lost people, no. It would just break him like it was his fault. I saw that time and time again. And don’t talk to me like I didn’t know him. He was my brother.”

There’s a silence where you finally pick your head up to look over at Ellie, catching her sigh and averting her gaze, which in turn makes your uncle continue more gentler and understanding.

“Listen, I’m not sayin’ you shouldn’t do this. But if we’re gonna put a posse together, we gotta do it right, which means taking it to Maria.”

Ellie’s jaw drops as she’s about to argue against your Uncle, but your Uncle beats her to talking, knowing what she had to say. “Yes, it’s fuckin’ necessary…”

You scoff softly and smirk in amusement.

“She’s gonna want a council meeting,” your Uncle continues. “Open it up to the town. Everyone who wants to get heard gets heard.”

“But you two will back us, right?” Ellie asks, and you catch the hope in her eyes.

Yet even that doesn’t change your mind. Albeit, you still lie and nod so she doesn’t argue with you.

“Of course, I will,” your Uncle gives his genuine response, releasing some tension off Ellie.

“Come here,” your Uncle says as he gets up to wrap her in an embrace that she seems to be tense in for a few seconds before you see her ease.

“And you,” your uncle directs at Dina, keeping to herself in the distance. “You hold out information on me again, you got rendering detail for a month.” He warns her as he and Ellie let go, making Dina scrunch her nose.

“Alright,” your Uncle puts an end to the matter, making Ellie and Dina walk away with the attempt to leave, albeit your Uncle stops Ellie before she can walk past the gate.

“Ellie. We buried our dead ten miles south of town. If you want to visit him.”

You let the goat go and continue doing your job.

“When we're on our way to Seattle,” she says and then leaves after Dina, leaving your Uncle with much to think about.

“You’re actually considering it?” You ask after you made sure Ellie wasn’t near anymore.

Your Uncle pushes himself off the fence and then answers. “‘Course. I’m not thrilled that she wants to pursue revenge, but if she wants to ask the council for permission, I’ll give it to her…will you?”

“I don’t have a say,” you deadpan, making your uncle sigh.

“No, but Apollo does, and what you say goes,” he says what you know and what you were pretending to be dumb about—“Will you tell him to accept?”

You don’t stop working, you keep going and give him a simple answer. “You want the truth? No. It’s not good for her to go down this path. It will get her hurt or worse.”

“Yes,” your uncle quickly argues as he approaches you now. “But if we deny her, she'll find a way to do it behind our backs. It doesn’t end well when you try to forbid the young ones from doin’ something. You were the same, and Teddy and any other kids you might have will be the same.”

You finally stop what you’re doing and look back at him. “I heard her out,” you quip. “I was about to walk away, but I heard her out. I will continue to hear her out when she speaks to the council, but my answer won’t change. She won’t like it, but it’s something I’m more than glad to risk…and it’s because I love her. Now, can we talk about something else and finish this?”

Without any more arguments, your uncle keeps his thoughts to himself to respect your choice.

Later that day, when everyone gathers in your house for the get-together you threw for Ellie, she asks Apollo the same thing she asked you, and he gives her hope since you hadn’t discussed it with him, but your Uncle is right, what you say goes. Your voice is heard one way or another through your husband, and he makes sure to ask for your opinion the next day when you’re lying in bed before you have to start the day.

“I want you to vote no,” you don’t hesitate to share without a doubt. “Whatever she might say, vote no.”

Apollo takes in your words and debates them himself only because Ellie is trusting him with this important decision that may or may not depend on him, and saying no feels like hurting her in some way.

“What if she gets the votes regardless,” Apollo brings up, so you drag yourself back, causing his leg to slip off yours, and feeling a hint of coldness as you pull your head away from his chest to face him with your gaze pointed.

“Then she gets them, but at least I’ll know I tried to put my foot down,” you rebuttal and look into his eyes, catching his doubt, so you sigh deeply and argue in your defense.

“What will getting revenge do?” You ask him. “It's not going to heal her grief. It’s not going to bring him back either. She’s just going to get hurt or worse. I get that she’s angry, I am too, but that’s why we handle it. We don’t chase people across the country for something that can’t be undone.”

Apollo sighs deeply and nods stiffly. “I understand,” he mutters. “She’s just putting her trust in me, you know?”

You swallow thickly and nod. “Yeah, I know. She’s putting her trust in me, too, but we’re the ones looking after her now, Apollo. We have to watch over her and make sure she doesn’t get herself killed. She deserves a good and long life. She won’t get that if she leaves.”

Apollo’s eyes linger on you, letting you see his resolve over the matter, but making you feel bad that he also has to go against her.

“Thank you,” you whisper and cup his cheek before you stroke your hand back to cradle the side of his head, making him smile a loving smile as he strokes your chin and then grabs the back of your head, letting you take that as a sign to nuzzle against him again.

“Will you go today?” He asks with worry. “You don’t have to, I’ll vote no.”

“Mia and Atlas are going to sit with me,” you let him know. “And either way, I’m there to support Ellie. I’ll hear what she has to say.”

He hums, and you go quiet to enjoy the little time you have left in silence before you have to get up. After that, you start your day, and the council meeting approaches soon thereafter, meaning you don’t have to handle your nerves all day. Thankfully.

Yet the same topic Ellie brought up the day before with your Uncle Tommy is brought up again, and you get uncomfortable as violent memories threaten to overwhelm you. You almost get up to leave, but you muster the strength to fight them off because your friends are with you to remind you that you’re not in that lodge, and your dad is no longer suffering.

You’re okay, and he’s…dead…

“Which is why I keep saying we need to invest more in turkeys and less in chickens,” Scott, a Jackson Hole resident and speaker for today's council meeting gets off topic, which you kind of enjoy so the matter can be delayed and your decision along with it—“and that brings me back to my earlier point about corn. Corn, some of you have heard me say, is not the easiest crop to grow, but it’s among the fastest. You can plot a graph that shows ease and resources versus time to harvest and get a li—”

“Scott,” your Uncle cuts his rambling off. “I’m sorry, but we gotta keep you on target here.”

“But it’s an open meeting. The bylaws say that—”

“Maybe we should stick to what everyone else came here to discuss,” Maria interjects now.

“I don’t really have an opinion on the Seattle thing,” Scott inputs now, ending the matter once and for all.

“Okay. Thank you,” Maria says and moves down the list of speakers. “So, that was Scott. Next is Rachel.”

You shift in your seat and keep focused, but as murmuring goes around the room and a baby goes fussy, you can’t catch a word that’s said. If it even was said.

“Can’t hear you!” Someone shouts for the entire crowd, making people go quiet and causing some shifting to happen before you finally hear Rachel’s voice.

“I said that Joel meant so much to so many of us. But he wasn’t the only one.”

You blink repeatedly and drop your eyes to your hands clasped on your lap.

“I-I lost my sister that day,” Rachel continues to say. “A lot of people in here buried family. And now, you wanna send, what are you saying, 16 of our best? Well, while they’re gone, who’s gonna be on the wall if Raiders come? A wall that’s barely mended. And none of you up there can promise us that all 16 will come back. So my heart is with you,” she says and says your name along with Tommy and Ellie’s before she finishes sharing her opinion.

“We are too hurt, and it is too soon.”

You sigh and lift your head to look at Jesse, Apollo, your Uncle, and Maria, all up on that platform as Maria brings an end to Rachel’s time.

“Thank you, Rachel. Next is Carlisle,” she moves on, making the old man stand from his seat to address the crowd.

“I’ll be quick,” he clears his throat. “‘Cause this one’s simple to me. People came and killed Joel. So, why wouldn’t we wanna take our vengeance?”

You clench your jaw and sigh deeply with distress caused by the worry that he’s going to encourage the request.

“Well, because we’re not supposed to.”

You peer over your shoulder and look at the man as he’s caught you by surprise.

“Forgive and be forgiven. No grudges. No revenge. And I’m not even a Christian. I’ve always seen the wisdom in that. That’s what separates us from the Raiders, and the murderers. Our capacity for mercy.”

You take in his words with relief, hoping that his honest and wise words will sway the council to vote no.

Yet your relief is then turned to anxiety when Seth, of all people, cuts in.

“Those sons of bitches don’t deserve our mercy.”

You clench your hands into fists and gain Apollo’s surprised and worried gaze from his place on that platform, so you end up holding in what threatens to break you and express the same surprise, but also share your anxiety on the matter.

“Well, of course they don’t deserve it,” Carlisle argues in between all of the crowds murmuring. “That’s what makes it mercy.”

“Well, to hell with that,” Seth exclaims as he gets up. “And to hell with you for saying it, Carlisle.”

“Seth, sit down,” Maria tries to bring an end to the interruption, but Seth becomes a pain in the ass and holds his ground.

“No.”

“You’re not on the list.”

“No!” He screams louder, causing you to drop your head and exhale deeply.

“What the hell are we all talking about here?” Seth continues. “Boo-hoo, it’s not fair. What, we gotta forgive everybody when they show up and piss in our eye? They came into our house. They took one of ours. My God, somebody shoots your brother, you wanna take the locks off your doors? Grow up!”

You begin to nervously rub your thigh, to the point that Atlas notices and tries his best to try and reassure you by putting his hand over yours.

When you feel his touch you look at him and offer him a faint thankful smile before you wrap your hand around his to keep clinging onto that support as Seth goes on.

“You idiots, they’ll come back. They’ll come back because we didn’t make ‘em pay. And when they come back, they’ll be laughing. And you’ll all deserve it. Bunch of goddamn victims.”

The old man sits down, bringing down an awkward silence that you almost want to leave, but you hold on and listen to the last speaker, Ellie.

After Maria finally gives her the floor, she makes the room go silent for a minute before she gets up and pulls out a paper that she reads off of. Surprisingly enough.

“I normally don’t write things down,” Ellie starts off by saying. “Because I normally don’t think before I talk, which has gotten me in trouble before, a lot.”

Oh? She’s rhyming?

“And it’s cost me in ways that sometimes couldn’t be undone. But I can’t afford that right now because I know what I’m asking is a lot. I’m asking us to risk more people and resources, and at the worst possible time. And I want everyone to know, it’s not because I want revenge.”

Oh?

“It’s not,” Ellie tries to make her lie clear, but she’s not fooling you—“what I want is what you used to give people. I want justice. Because it’s either that, or we do nothing. That’s what everyone else out there is going to do for us. Nothing,” she says with more passion. “A whole world of people who won’t lift a finger if something bad happens to me or you. We have a word for these people. They’re called strangers.”

Atlas snorts quietly over Ellie’s words, so you let his hand go and slowly glare at him, making him go serious right away.

“Well, I don’t think that we’re strangers to each other,” you hear Ellie continue. “And I want to know that I can count on you. And I swear, if someone hurts any of you or the people you love, you can count on me...”

You take this time to smile in amusement at Ellie’s complete bullshit attempt to sway the council's vote.

“…that's what holds all this together. Not potluck dinners or New Year’s Eve dances. Definitely not a wall, because that thing got busted through. But Jackson is still here. I’ll accept whatever the council decides. But I’m asking you, please…do what it takes to see that justice is done. Not for me. Not even for Joel. I am asking you, please do it for us,” she finishes her letter in an emotional ending that she even adds tears to. Whether the tears are genuine or not you don’t know, they probably are but that won't change the fact that it’s all still bullshit.

“Thank you,” Maria tells her, bringing an end to the discussion to finally move on to the voting—“The council will now vote on the proposal to send a party of 16 citizens to Seattle to find the people who killed Joel and execute them.”

As the voting begins, Apollo steals a glance at you, and you steal a glance at him and trust he’ll do what you asked, but it’s the others that make you nervous and make you sit at the edge of your seat as if that would help. It only makes you more anxious.

Either way, like watching a clock, the process seems to move more slowly than anticipated. A couple of minutes drag on, and you almost can’t take it, but alas, all the votes are given to Amy-Beth, the one person who will share the votes with the crowd without fear that she’ll lie.

“Amy-Beth?” Maria encourages, and so said girl starts.

“Yes.”

You swallow thickly and sit up straighter.

“No. Yes. No. No. Yes. No, no. No. No. No.”

You let out a shaky, relieved breath and sit back without that fear clinging onto you a moment longer.

“The vote is 8 to 3,” Amy-Beth clarifies. “The proposal is rejected.”

Murmurs spread around the room, but no one interjects this time because the word is officially given now. There’s no do-overs, just disappointment from only a handful of people. The only one you care about, you don’t look at though. Not yet.

“Adjourned,” Maria releases the meeting, making people not linger back. Everyone but the council and you get up, causing a cluster of people as they all want to leave at the same time. That’s why you finally drift your gaze to Ellie, so your gaze won't be detected as she's leaving.

Alas, when you look at the other side of the room where she had been sitting at, you actually end up catching Ellie’s gaze.

You try not to read too much into it. You don’t want to catch the betrayal she feels because, instead of getting at least 4 definite votes in support of her, she only got three, and it was obvious to guess that you lied and voted against her. You haven’t been able to look at her all day. All you greeted her with was a quick good morning, and you sat at the other side of the room with your best friends at your sides.

You lied and made Apollo vote against Ellie’s request. Against the one thing she desperately wanted. The one significant matter that required your support more than anything, and the one matter that she trusted you to have her back on, but you lied and turned your back on her and that hurt and betrayal is plain to see because of the dark shadow that cast over her face as if intentional so you won't miss a thing.

Alas, as ashamed as you feel. You feel no regrets. You’re determined to stand your ground, and that’s obvious to Ellie as the sun keeps basking your face as if…intentional.

——

*LATER*

After the council meeting, you had purposely stayed behind, welcoming people’s pity and sweet consolations to avoid facing Ellie’s disappointment and anger, but you can’t hide forever, and when you return home, sitting on your porch steps is Ellie waiting for you.

She makes herself easy to see and makes sure you know that she’s not here for pleasantries. She knows you know why she’s here, so you hand Teddy to Apollo and usher them inside.

Once the front door is closed, leaving the porch just to you and Ellie, she is quick to get to the point. “Why did you do it?”

You draw in a deep breath and turn away from the door to face her and exhale deeply before you respond. Or at least you try to, because just as you part your lips, she cuts in abruptly.

“You said you would support me, and you had Apollo vote no, why?” She asks as you see her teeter over an edge where her balance all depends on what you’re going to say.

“Because I don’t want you to go down that path,” you say, and manage to keep her from falling into a pit of anger. “I know it was messed up to lie, but it’s not like you would change your mind if I said no that day you asked.”

“No,” she interjects before you keep going.

“Exactly—”

“But you still lied,” she cuts you off with a narrowed glare. “You said I would get your vote to go get justice for Joel, and instead you want me to, what? Sit idly by?”

You shake your head. “No. I want you to grieve the right way, Ellie. I need you to open yourself up to letting yourself grieve.”

Ellie scoffs and shakes her head before she snaps, causing her grip to loosen. “So what? So I can turn to you and be depressed and pathetic for three months?!”

You blink repeatedly in disbelief and feel her words stab your heart.

“Do you not get what I’m trying to do?” Ellie continues to argue, raising her voice with the anger that seeps through. “I’m trying to get justice! You were there! You saw them! We have to make them pay!” She exclaims almost desperately.

“I was there,” you interject this time before she keeps ranting. “I know! I live through that day of my life every day and every night. I see their faces and see him die over and over again. I,” you pause and sigh to collect yourself and try to explain your reasoning behind your protest.

“I miss him too,” you say instead. “But what you want to do won’t get him back. Nothing you do will get him back, so why risk your life? Why risk anyone else’s life over it? Revenge won’t make you feel better, Ellie.”

Said girl holds your gaze with annoyance before she shakes her head and retorts. “That’s a whole bunch of bullshit and you’re a liar. If you really loved Joel, you would have voted yes,” she doesn’t hesitate from saying, making you gasp softly and feel your eyes immediately well with tears as you feel a sharp heartache.

Yet you don’t dare and use such harsh words like she did. You keep your head up and watch her give you her back.

“I’m going to do this with or without you. I don’t care,” she grumbles and walks off the porch, expecting no response, but before she can leave, you blurt.

“What about all the risks my dad took for you to be here? Will you just make that go to waste? Because if you go, there’s no chance you’re coming back. You will get hurt, or worse, so what will make those sacrifices he took to save you?”

Ellie stops in her tracks and keeps her back turned to you for a tense silence that seemed to drag on for hours, when it's only been a few seconds where you unknowingly lose her in that pit of anger.

“You know,” she mutters before she slowly turns to face you with her face contorted with rage and her eyes oozing with that terrible and blinding feeling.

“You know why he made those sacrifices,” she continues sneering as she strides back to you. However, you don’t let her make it all the way to the porch because you meet her halfway.

“Why did those people kill him?” She suddenly asks something she’s never hinted at wanting to know. She asks for the first time, letting you see a flicker of sadness in her eyes this time.

“The truth,” she blurts as her eyes well with tears, and you gulp and falter.

“They were…after revenge,” you put it simply because you’re sure there’s no shortage of people your dad pissed off. “Just like you’re after revenge, that’s why—”

“Oh shut up,” she hisses and steps forward while she keeps holding your eyes with her watery gaze and pinched eyebrows. “They were from Salt Lake…right?” She asks as she begins to slowly uncover the truth you never got to share, and the truth that threatens to unveil something else you kept a secret

“Right?!” Ellie snaps, making you blink and lower your gaze to nod stiffly and hope she doesn’t probe about the other matter.

“They killed him because of what he did, right?” She asks, getting closer to that secret.

“Right,” you answer, and look at her so she doesn’t catch anything suspicious.

Nevertheless, your attempts are futile.

“And you knew what he did?” She probes as she narrows her gaze to a glowering glare. “You knew and you lied, right? That’s why you were never mad at him, and you…” she scoffs and holds her chest. “And you told me you didn’t know. You let me believe that I could trust you. Right?!” She exclaims, causing you to let out a shaky breath and nod.

“Right,” you whisper shakily before you step toward her and grab her hands to try and make her understand. “But I need you to understand that I did it for you. I was too late to stop him, I wanted to, I really did, but I was too late, so why would I mortify you even more by telling you the truth? So I kept it from you so you could have a good life. Ellie…you deserve a good life. Please—”

“You were too late,” she repeats and nods stiffly before she huffs and spats hurtful words. “It seems you’re always too late. Always too weak. That’s why Henry is dead,” she hisses quietly, making you slowly let her hands go as you're hit with disbelief.

“And that’s why Joel is dead,” she hurts you with those last words, feeling as if the knife in your heart got twisted for something you already blame yourself for. All because you tried to stop her from walking away, and all because you brought up your dad's sacrifices to have her be here.

You unknowingly opened a can of worms, and now you’re the one hurt because of it.

“I won’t sit by like you,” she spats and points her finger at you as tears finally break out of her eyes and roll down her cheeks. “I will make them pay, and I will hate you,” she sneers. “I will hate you for the rest of my life.”

She turns around swiftly and storms away, leaving you more hurt by those words than what she said before, because it feels like another great loss.

A/N- Seattle anyone?

Tagged- @slut-f0r-u @star-wars-lover @maplecohen @givemylovetoall @itzagothamcitysiren @sammy-13 @beloved-reblogger @emiriia @rues-daya @sunfairyy @littleshadow17 @mcu-starwars @bigtuffswordboy @riaqiax @dheet @queenofthekill @joliettes @d4rno @hardbeingcasual @rana030 @pedropascalluvr41 @ahoyyharrington @beaniebeensbaby201 @maeneedsabreak @maelartasch @adristyles @daughterofthequeen @alastorhazbin @sunsumonner @khaylin27 @hypatia93 @hummusxx @v4mpyk1tten @1donoow @your-shifting-gurl @g4ns3y @izzzzy-the-amazing @aphr0d1teh @lovelyygirl8 @ivy-taylorsversion @mmkkzz @avitute @fuckmebobboys @kitdjarin1

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oceandolores · 10 months ago

Text

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐫'𝐬 𝐝𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐞𝐫 | series

Dbf! Joel Miller x female reader

"𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘥, 𝘯𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦."

summary: In the small town near Austin, Texas, you are trapped in a life of rigid expectations and silent suffering. As the preacher's daughter, you endure the mental and physical abuse of your father while your mother, bound by obedience, offers quiet love. Your longing for a father's warmth finds an unexpected solace in Joel Miller, your father's best friend and neighbor. In Joel's presence, you discover a forbidden sanctuary, where your yearning heart is met with a gentle strength you've never known.

warnings: 18+ only, Minors DNI, AU, No outbreak. (TW) mentions of substance abuse/alcohol use disorder, adult content, religion abuse, violence, blood gore, mentions of death, sexual abuse, sexual content, domestic violences, ped0ph!l1a, cann1bal!sm, human traff1ck1ng, dad's best friend!Joel, HUGE age gap (i will not specify her exact age, but she's legal and Joel is 49), daddy issues, mentions of toxic family dynamic, Joel is widowed, Ellie is 16, angst, smut A LOT, forbidden relationship, soft and protective Joel, innocent and pure reader. your last name is Gibson. any other details will be explain throughout the story. inspired by the album Preacher's daughter by Ethel Cain and also mix with lana del rey vibes.

CHAPTER 1

masterlist of the series!

next | chapter 2

The Texas sun had a way of casting long, dramatic shadows across the sprawling landscape, painting the world in hues of gold and amber. In small town near Austin, the heat clung to everything, wrapping the town in a sweltering embrace that seemed to slow time itself. You, a preacher's daughter on the cusp of graduation, trapped in the rigid confines of a life dictated by faith and fear.

Your father, Reverend Gibson, was a towering figure in the community, his voice booming from the pulpit every Sunday, filling the church with sermons about sin and salvation. To the congregation, he was a man of God, a beacon of righteousness. But within the walls of your home, he was a tyrant. His heavy hand and harsh words left marks not just on your skin, but deep within your soul. Your mother, ever the obedient wife, offered what little comfort she could, but her love was a quiet, subdued thing, overshadowed by her fear of defying your father.

The Millers lived just a few houses down, their home a testament to both prosperity and tragedy. Joel Miller was your father’s best friend from high school, a bond forged in the fires of youth but strained by the paths they had chosen. While your father found his calling in the church, Joel built a successful construction business with his younger brother, Tommy.

Joel and Tommy not live far from each other, while your house is just one house away from Joel, Tommy is a few houses down from Joel's.

The Miller brothers were well-known and respected in the community, their work evident in the many buildings that dotted the town.

Joel’s life had been forever altered by a single, devastating moment. He had lost his wife and daughter in a car accident, an accident where he had been behind the wheel. The guilt of their deaths weighed heavily on him, a burden he carried in the lines of his face and the shadows in his eyes.

Since that tragic day, he had distanced himself from the church, finding solace instead in his work and in raising his adopted daughter, Ellie. Joel has adopted Ellie when she was only 10 years old with the help of Tommy.

At 16, Ellie was a spirited girl, one of your juniors at school. She attended church every Sunday with her uncle Tommy, her presence a reminder of the Millers’ lingering faith.

Tommy, married to Maria, had recently welcomed a baby boy into their family. The joy of new life was a stark contrast to the sorrow that had marked Joel’s existence. The Millers were a close-knit family, their bonds of loyalty and love a stark contrast to the fractured and tense environment of your own home.

You had known the Millers your entire life, their presence a constant thread in the fabric of your existence. Yet, as you stood on the brink of adulthood, your interactions with them took on a new significance. Your father’s sermons about the dangers of straying from the path of righteousness echoed in your mind, but so did your longing for something more, something real and tangible.

It was just another Sunday, and you were helping your dad with the after-service fellowship. The congregation mingled in the church hall, sharing coffee and pastries, their voices a low hum of conversation and laughter. You moved through the crowd with a tray of refreshments, offering smiles and polite nods, your mind elsewhere.

The Sunday service had been like any other, filled with hymns, prayers, and your father’s booming voice delivering his sermon. Today, he had spoken about temptation and the perils of straying from God’s path, his words heavy with the weight of his own fervent belief. As always, you felt the eyes of the congregation on you, the preacher’s daughter, the living example of his teachings.

You couldn’t help but glance towards the back of the room, where Tommy and Ellie stood, their presence a rare but welcome sight. Joel, as expected, was absent, his appearances in church growing increasingly sporadic since the accident.

Your thoughts kept drifting to Joel Miller. It had been years since the tragedy that had claimed his wife and daughter, leaving an indelible mark on him, transforming a once regular churchgoer into a haunted, reclusive figure.

You didn't really know or remember Joel's wife and daughter. Sarah Miller had been much older than you, and she passed away when you were only five. The memories you had of them were hazy at best, a blur of faces and voices that you couldn’t quite place.

Ellie caught your eye and waved, her smile bright and genuine. You waved back, feeling a pang of longing for the carefree spirit she embodied. She was one of the few people in your life who treated you like a normal person, not just the preacher’s daughter.

After the service, as the crowd began to thin, you found yourself gravitating towards Tommy and Ellie. Tommy, ever the warm and approachable figure, greeted you with a smile. “Hey, kiddo. How’ve you been?”

You returned his smile, the tension in your shoulders easing slightly. “I’m good, Tommy. How’s Maria and the baby?”

Tommy’s face lit up with pride. “They’re great. Little Luke’s growing like a weed. Maria’s over the moon, of course.”

Ellie nudged you playfully. “You should come over and meet him sometime. He’s the cutest.”

You laughed softly. “I’d love that.”

Tommy’s expression grew more serious as he glanced around the room. “How’s your dad doing with all the church activities? Keeping busy?”

You nodded, forcing a smile. “Yeah, he’s always got something going on. Keeps him out of trouble, I guess.”

Tommy chuckled. “Good to hear. Your family always looks so put together. It’s impressive, really.”

You shrugged, trying to brush off the compliment. “We just try to do our best.”

As you continued chatting, the weight on your shoulders seemed to lighten, if only for a moment. Ellie shared stories about school, her infectious laughter bringing a smile to your face.

“So, any plans after graduation?” Ellie asked, her eyes twinkling with curiosity.

You hesitated, the uncertainty of your future looming large. “I’m not sure yet. I’ve been thinking about college, but it’s complicated.”

Tommy’s expression grew serious again. “You should follow your dreams, kid. Don’t let anything hold you back.”

You nodded, grateful for their support. “I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks, Tommy.”

As you chatted with Tommy and Ellie, you couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched. Glancing around, you caught your father’s stern gaze from across the room. His eyes were a silent warning, a reminder of your place and the expectations that came with it.

Excusing yourself, you slipped out of the church hall, needing a moment of solitude. Your dad won't notice you are gone a little, your job has been taken by your mom.

The Texas heat hit you as soon as you stepped outside, the late afternoon sun casting long shadows across the gravel parking lot. You decided to walk, the streets feeling empty because everyone was still in church. As you walked aimlessly, your mind whirled with conflicting thoughts and emotions.

You found yourself drawn towards the lake behind the church and the town, a place far enough to avoid everyone. The lake and the surrounding forest were comforting, a sanctuary from the oppressive atmosphere of your home.

Looking around to ensure you were alone, you carefully pulled out your cigarettes and lit one, taking a long drag. Your parents never knew you were quite a smoker, especially your father. If he ever found out, the repercussions would be severe, his wrath swift and unrelenting. The thought of his anger made you shudder.

You decided to sit by the old fallen tree near the lake. It was very quiet, the only sounds were the rustling of leaves and the gentle lapping of water against the shore. You loved to come here every chance you got, a hidden escape from the prying eyes and harsh judgments of your daily life. As you exhaled a cloud of smoke, you heard a rustling sound in the underbrush.

Startled, you quickly put out your cigarette and looked up. Emerging from the trees was Joel, a hunting rifle slung over his shoulder. Your heart pounded in your chest as you met his gaze. "Joel?" you stammered, hoping he hadn’t noticed the cigarette.

He looked at you, then at the still-smoking cigarette butt near your feet. His expression was unreadable, but you felt a wave of fear. What if he told your father?

Joel approached, his steps slow and deliberate. "Didn’t expect to see you out here," he said, his voice as gruff as ever.

You swallowed hard, trying to keep your voice steady. "I… I just needed some air."

Joel’s eyes flicked to the cigarette again. "That why you’re hiding out here? To smoke?"

You bit your lip, the truth hanging heavily between you. "Please don’t tell my dad," you whispered, the desperation clear in your voice.

Joel sighed, his expression softening slightly. "Your secret’s safe with me," he said finally, a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Relief flooded through you, and you nodded gratefully. "Thank you,"

As you stood up, brushing off the dirt and bits of wood that had stained your dress, you noticed Joel's gaze lingering on the rifle in his hand and the heavy boots caked with mud.

"You didn’t come to church today," you said, your curiosity overcoming your apprehension. You had noticed his absence with the frequency that had become almost routine over the years.

He glanced at you, the stern lines of his face softening slightly. “Yeah, I’ve been... busy,” he replied, his tone clipped and noncommittal.

You took in the sight of him, his rugged appearance a stark contrast to the tidy, polished look of the other churchgoers. The rifle and the muddy boots seemed to tell a story of their own, a story that was far removed from the neat rows of pews and the polished wooden floors of the church.

“You know, Father always says that you used to come every Sunday,” you said, trying to sound casual. “He misses you at church. Everyone does.”

Joel’s expression hardened again, the hint of vulnerability disappearing behind his usual reserve. “Yeah, well, things change,” he said tersely, his gaze fixed on the horizon. “People change.”

You wanted to press further, to understand what had driven him away, but you knew better than to push too hard. Joel was a man of few words, his emotional landscape a guarded territory. You had seen it in the way he interacted with Ellie, the way he kept his distance, the way he seemed to be perpetually battling some invisible storm.

"Are you okay?" you asked quietly, your concern slipping through despite your efforts to remain detached.

Joel’s eyes met yours, and for a moment, you saw a flicker of something raw and unspoken. He shook his head, as if to clear the thoughts from his mind. "Just trying to get by, same as anyone," he said gruffly. “Out here, it’s a little easier to do that.”

You nodded, accepting his answer even if it left many questions unanswered. The silence between you stretched, filled only with the distant chirping of birds and the gentle rustling of leaves.

Joel shifted, breaking the silence. “What are you doing out here anyway? It’s quite a trek from town. This place isn’t exactly safe, you know.” His tone was a mixture of concern and curiosity, revealing a sliver of his protective nature.

You sighed, glancing around the lake and forest. “I needed a break. Just... needed to be away from everything for a bit. It’s peaceful here." You looked at Joel, your eyes subtly asking if it was okay to continue smoking.

Joel noticed your look but chose not to comment immediately. Instead, he took a few steps closer, his boots crunching softly on the gravel. You took that as an invitation and sat down under a large tree near the lake, patting the grass beside you.

“Feel free to join me if you want,” you offered, your voice light despite the heaviness of the situation.

Joel hesitated for a moment before sitting down next to you. His presence was a grounding force, even if he wasn’t the most expressive. He glanced at the cigarette pack you had placed on the grass between you.

“Want one?” you offered, extending the pack towards him.

Joel shook his head with a faint, rueful smile. “Nah, I’m good. I’m not sure it’s right to be smoking in front of you.”

You laughed softly, shaking your head. “I thought you of all people wouldn’t judge me for it.”

Joel chuckled, a rare, genuine sound. “Yeah, well, I guess I’m a bit of a hypocrite when it comes to that. I’ve had my share of bad habits.”

You nodded, accepting his refusal. “How are you, Joel? I don’t see you much,” you said, your curiosity evident. It was true; Joel had been increasingly distant from the people in your town, retreating into a shell of his own making.

He met your gaze briefly, a flicker of something you couldn’t quite place crossing his features. “Just... getting by. Working hard, dealing with stuff. Not much else to it.”

There was a weariness in his voice that spoke of battles fought silently and wounds healed only with time. It was clear that the years had not been kind to Joel, even if he tried to mask it behind a facade of rugged determination.

You sensed that pushing further wouldn’t get you anywhere. Joel was not one to open up easily, and you could see that the topic of his feelings was closed off. You decided to shift the conversation, sensing that it was best to focus on something lighter.

"How’s school?” he asked, his tone shifting to something slightly more personal but still restrained. “Almost done, right?”

You nodded, a smile touching your lips despite the lingering tension. “Yeah, I’m just a few months away from graduating. It’s been a whirlwind, but I’m looking forward to it.”

“That’s good to hear,” Joel replied, giving a slight nod. “High school’s a big deal. A lot changes after that.”

You shifted slightly, tucking your legs beneath you as you sat on the grass. “It is. It feels like the end of one chapter and the start of another.” You took a deep drag from your cigarette, the smoke curling around you in the still air. Exhaling slowly, you continued, “I just want to get out of here.”

Joel’s gaze, always direct, fixed on you. He didn’t speak immediately, allowing the weight of your words to settle between you. He shifted his weight, leaning slightly on the rifle, his hands still coated in the grime of the day’s work. “Yeah?” he finally said, his tone soft but edged with curiosity. “Where do you want to go?”

You looked out over the lake, its calm surface reflecting the last rays of the sun. “Anywhere but here,” you said with a sigh. “I want to leave this town, start fresh somewhere new. I’ve been dreaming about it for a long time.”

Joel watched you silently for a moment, his expression unreadable. “Sometimes getting out can seem like the only way to find something better,” he said slowly. “But it ain’t always as simple as it sounds.”

You took another drag from your cigarette, the ember glowing brightly as you exhaled. “I know it’s not that simple,” you said quietly. “But it feels like I’m suffocating here. I just need... something different. Something real.”

Joel’s eyes narrowed slightly, his gaze not unkind but keenly observant. There was a protective instinct in him that had always been there, even when you were much younger. He sensed there was more to your words than just a desire to leave town. The carefully constructed façade of normalcy that your family projected wasn’t lost on him, though he had never delved into the specifics of your home life.

“You know,” Joel began, his voice taking on a slightly softer tone, “sometimes people want to leave for reasons that go beyond what they’re willing to say. It’s one thing to want a new place, but it’s another to be running from something.”

You stiffened slightly, the cigarette now nothing more than a stub between your fingers. You were careful not to let your emotions betray you. “It’s not just about running away,” you said, trying to keep your voice steady. “It’s about finding a place where I can breathe.”

Joel nodded, his gaze steady. “And you think you’ll find that out there?”

“I hope so,” you said. “I just need to get out and find out for myself. It’s been hard to see beyond this place.”

Joel shifted his weight, leaning on his rifle. His rugged face, often set in lines of stoicism, now bore a hint of concern. “You know, I’ve seen a lot of folks runnin’ away from what they don’t want to face. Sometimes they find what they’re lookin’ for, sometimes they don’t. But it’s dangerous out there for someone who’s not ready.”

You looked at him, sensing the genuine concern behind his words. “I’m ready,” you said softly. “I’ve been ready for a long time.”

Joel studied you for a moment longer, his fatherly instincts kicking in. He could see the innocence in your eyes, the quiet strength that belied your troubled soul. He had been a father before, and he knew what it was like to want to protect someone from the harsh realities of the world.

But then, with a shift in his demeanor, Joel decided it wasn’t his business to involve himself further. He cared for you, that much was clear, but he also knew his boundaries. His expression hardened slightly, a testament to his tendency to keep people at a distance.

“Look,” he said gruffly, his Southern accent thickening his words, “it’s not my place to get too involved in this. You’re gonna have to handle things your way.” His tone was direct, carrying the weight of a man who had learned to let his actions speak louder than his words.

Despite the coldness in his voice, there was a flicker of tenderness in his eyes, a brief glimpse of the protective instincts that lingered beneath his guarded exterior. Joel operated in a morally gray area, making decisions that were often difficult and controversial, and he understood the complexities of navigating a world where right and wrong were not always clear.

He wanted to help, but his experience had taught him that sometimes the best way to show care was to step back and allow others to find their own way.

“You know,” Joel said, shifting the topic slightly, “Ellie talks about you sometimes. Says you’re smart, and she admires you for stickin’ it out. She’s got a good head on her shoulders, but she looks up to you. So, if there’s ever a time you need someone to talk to, or if you just need a friend, don’t hesitate to reach out. I may not be the best at this whole ‘talkin’’ thing, but I’m here if you need me.”

You appreciated his attempt to offer support, even if it came in a roundabout way. “Thanks, Joel. It’s nice to know that someone cares,” you said, smiling as you put out the cigarette.

Joel watched you with a mixture of concern and curiosity, as if weighing whether to press further. You could see that he was struggling with how much to say, his usual reserve at odds with the genuine warmth he was trying to convey.

“Well,” you said, glancing at the fading light, “I should head back to the church before Dad notices I’m gone.”

Joel shifted his stance, a hint of hesitation in his eyes. “You sure you don’t want a ride back? It’s a long walk, and it’s gettin’ dark.”

You shook your head, feeling a pang of guilt for declining his offer. “I appreciate it, Joel, but I don’t want to trouble you. I can manage the walk.”

Joel’s brow furrowed, and he gave a firm nod. “It ain’t no trouble. It’s just a ride. Besides, I’d rather make sure you get back safely.”

His insistence made you feel slightly uncomfortable, but you also recognized his sincerity. Raised to be polite and considerate, you found it difficult to refuse when someone was being genuinely helpful.

“Alright,” you said reluctantly, “if you insist. Thank you.”

Joel nodded, his face softening a bit as he walked over to his truck. The vehicle was old but reliable, with a rugged appearance that matched Joel’s own. He opened the passenger side door for you, gesturing for you to get in.

As you climbed into the truck, Joel got into the driver’s seat and started the engine. The interior was a mix of practical and worn, with a faint smell of leather and earth. Joel drove with a steady, practiced hand, the truck rumbling over the uneven terrain as he navigated the path back to town.

The silence in the truck was comfortable, with only the sound of the engine and the occasional rustle of the trees breaking it. You stared out the window, the fading sunlight casting a warm glow over the landscape. You could feel the weight of the day’s conversations settling in, and the quiet offered a moment of reflection.

After a few minutes, the truck rolled into town, the familiar sights coming into view. Joel slowed as he approached the church, where you could see the remaining congregants beginning to disperse.

Joel pulled up to the curb and stopped the truck. "We're here."

"Thank you once again, Joel. It’s good catching up with you," you said, giving him a grateful smile. Just as you were about to step out of the truck, you spotted your father from a distance. A sinking feeling washed over you as you realized he had seen you.

“Oh no,” you muttered, catching Joel’s eye. He turned to see your father walking towards the truck, a determined look on his face.

Joel, ever the gentleman, exited the truck as well. You followed suit, feeling a knot tighten in your stomach. Your father, who had been conversing with some church members, excused himself and made his way towards you and Joel.

“Evening, Reverend,” Joel greeted, extending a hand.

“Evening, Joel,” your father said with his usual charming demeanor, shaking Joel’s hand firmly. “It’s been a while. I hope you’ve been well.”

Joel’s expression was polite but reserved. “Can’t complain. Been keeping busy.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” your father replied smoothly. “You know, we’ve missed you at church. It would be good to see you back.”

Joel gave a noncommittal nod, his discomfort barely masked. “Maybe sometime.”

As your father turned his attention to you, his smile faltered slightly. “And where have you been, young lady? You were supposed to help with the service.”

You flinched at the stern tone, feeling his grip tighten around your arm as he spoke. “I was just taking a walk, Dad. Joel gave me a ride back.”

Your father’s grip was rough and unyielding, his fingers digging into your arm with a strength that was both painful and controlling. Joel noticed, his gaze briefly flicking to your father’s hand before returning to his face.

“Is that right?” your father said, his voice carrying a hint of disapproval. “Well, I hope you weren’t gone too long. We have responsibilities.”

"Yes, I'm sorry, father." You said smile a little to hide the pain he's causing you.

Joel cleared his throat, attempting to steer the conversation away from the tension. “I’m just making sure she gets back safe."

“Of course,” your father said, releasing your arm but maintaining a veneer of politeness. “We have a dinner invitation from Tommy and Maria next Saturday. I trust you’ll be joining us?”

Joel looked momentarily surprised. “Well, I'm supposed I am,"

Your father’s smile widened, a glint of satisfaction in his eyes. “Yes, they extended the invitation to our family. It will be good to catch up.”

Joel nodded, his expression neutral. “I’ll have to check with Ellie, but I’m sure we’ll make it.”

“Excellent,” your father said, still maintaining his charming facade. “It’ll be good for everyone to reconnect.”

As the conversation continued, Joel’s discomfort grew. He noticed the strain in your father’s demeanor and the way he seemed to be masking a more sinister undertone behind his polite words. Joel had been out of the social loop for a while, but he was perceptive enough to sense when something was off, even if he chose not to probe further.

“Well,” Joel said, his tone shifting to one of finality, “I better be on my way. Got some things to take care of. It was good seeing you again, Reverend. And you too,” he added, offering you a brief, reassuring smile.

You gave him a grateful nod, feeling a mixture of relief and apprehension. “Thank you, Joel."

Joel, giving one last nod before turning to leave. As he walked away, you could feel the weight of the evening’s encounters settling heavily on your shoulders. The brief respite you’d found in Joel’s company had been overshadowed by the return of your father’s control and the unsettling realization that your escape from this small town and its complexities might be more challenging than you had hoped.

After the Sunday service, you returned home with a heavy heart. The warmth of the day had turned cold, and the familiar feeling of dread settled over you as you approached the house. Inside, the tension was palpable, and the moment you walked through the door, you knew there would be consequences for your absence during the service.

Your father’s voice was stern and unforgiving as he called you into the living room. “You’ve abandoned your duties. Do you have any idea what that means?”

You tried to explain, but his anger cut you off. “I was just trying to get some fresh air, Dad. I didn’t mean—”

Before you could finish, he was on you, grabbing your arm with a grip that left no room for argument. He dragged you to the center of the room, his face a mask of fury. “You’ve abandoned your duty. It’s about respect and responsibility. You know how important this is.”

“No, please, Dad, don’t. I’m so sorry. I will not do it again,” you pleaded, your voice trembling.

The fear in your voice only seemed to fuel his anger. He disappeared into the hallway, returning with his belt in hand. The leather looked menacing, and your heart raced as you saw it.

“Please, Dad, I’m sorry,” you continued to beg. “I didn’t mean to disobey. I’ll make it right. Just please—”

Your father’s face was a mask of cold determination. “Take off your dress and face the wall,” he ordered, his voice steely. “You needs to be taught a lesson.”

You could barely keep your composure as you undressed, your body shaking with fear and dread. The scars on your back from a previous punishment throbbed with anticipation. When you were finally positioned with your back to him, every nerve in your body was on edge.

The first crack of the belt was sharp and painfully immediate. The sound echoed through the room, followed by a searing pain that made you flinch. You cried out, tears streaming down your face. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” you sobbed, your voice breaking with each cry of pain.

You could feel the belt cutting into your already tender skin, the sensation of bleeding mixing with the agony of the blows. Each strike felt like a betrayal of your trust, a reminder of the harsh world you were trapped in.

Your mother stood in the doorway of the kitchen, her face pale and tear-streaked. She wanted to intervene, but fear held her back. She could only watch helplessly as you were punished, her own sobs mingling with your cries of pain.

In a desperate attempt to mask the sounds of the abuse from the neighbors, she turned the gospel music up loud, hoping the noise would cover your screams and your father’s harsh words.

The music blared in the background, a twisted contrast to the suffering in the room. It felt like a cruel mockery, the joyous hymns clashing with the reality of your punishment. Your mother’s tears fell silently as she stood by, unable to offer more than the muted comfort of her presence.

As the beating continued, your strength waned. The pain was overwhelming, a relentless reminder of the control your father exerted over every aspect of your life. You could only endure, hoping for it to end soon, each moment stretching out painfully as you clung to the hope that this would be the last of such torment.

When he finally stopped, you were left huddled on the floor, your body aching and your spirit broken. Your father’s anger subsided, leaving him with a cold, resolute expression. “I hope you’ve learned your lesson,” he said gruffly, his voice devoid of empathy. “Disobedience won’t be tolerated.”

Your mother rushed to your side as soon as your father left the room, her hands trembling, “I’m so sorry,” she whispered through her tears, her voice filled with sorrow and helplessness.

You looked at her through blurred vision, your own tears mingling with hers. “I—It's okay, mama." you said weakly, your voice strained and shaky. “It’s my fault."

She helped you put your dress back on, her fingers brushing gently over the raw marks on your skin, causing you to wince. Each movement was a reminder of the pain you were enduring.

As you slowly gathered your strength, your mother helped you to a nearby chair, her hands still shaking. She sat beside you, her presence a small but comforting anchor in the storm of your emotions. The music from the kitchen blared on, a cruel backdrop to the quiet moments of shared sorrow between mother and daughter.

In the midst of the pain and turmoil, there was a flicker of hope that someday, somehow, you might find a way out of the darkness. For now, though, you could only cling to the small comforts and the hope that things might one day be different.

979 notes · View notes

alexispunkkk · 16 days ago

Text

in the house of my father

♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰ ♰

god only knows — chapter 1

read the series!

last chapter | next chapter

- warnings: religious trauma + so much guilt, struggles with purity, toxic/complicated family relationships, blasphemous themes, death in family, grief, smoking, kissing, (no smut this chapter), age gap attraction if you squint but not much happens here

- summary: the repressed preacher’s daughter comes back to town, carrying with her immense religious guilt after growing up in the church.

- word count: 3.3k

- author’s note: ahhhhh first chapter of this fic and im so fucking excited!!!! so happy to finally be making a series and i hope yall enjoy 💋💋💋💋

on ao3

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If you learned anything growing up as the preacher’s daughter, it’s how to be watched.

Not looked at, but watched. Measured, judged. Eyes on you at all times, from quiet women who were taught to smile and men who think they know what God wants. You’re in a constant state of being weighed against a God you’ve never met, or at least you don’t think you’ve met. Who lives in your head, your closet, under your bed, behind your eyelids when you sleep. A constant reminder given to you by your father, by the cross nailed up above your bed and the one strung around your neck.

They started calling you “blessed” before you knew what the word meant, saying it in Sunday school like a promise. You had entire psalms memorized before reaching the age you learned to ride a bike. It’s set in your blood, set in the little marks on the back of your thighs from the church pews.

The lord is your shepherd, but he never managed to follow you out of this estranged place. God loved you, but not enough to save you.

Your daddy helped build the church with his own hands, laid the foundation while your mother was pregnant. His sweat is now fixed into the wood and the scripture forever set in the nails, or in his brain. Imprinted. He told you God spoke to him on hot Texas nights, the nights when the air was still and the crickets continued to blare and keep the town up.

If your childhood taught you anything, it’s that love comes second to obedience. The lord is everything. The notion was engraved in your brain by the ripe age of six when you began first grade.

And the truth is, you used to believe it. Or at least you always tried your best to believe: prayed the way you were taught, on your knees with a soft voice and clean hands. God never seemed to answer. Or maybe he did, and it sounded too much like your father’s voice to feel like genuine love.

He didn’t feel like love, but more like a nagging weight hanging on your shoulders.

The town’s sweetheart, preacher’s daughter, and God’s little lamb. You wore white, especially on Easter, sat with folded hands and the softest smile the lord would ever see. Said grace, never missed Sunday school. A good girl.

But you hoped, maybe, just maybe, the communion wine would drown you one day.

Eighteen. You packed up and left for college, begging to leave this god awful town behind for at least a couple of years. Not quite sure where you’d end up, but hoping it was far, far away. With less dust, a louder city, maybe, loud enough to drown out the thoughts trumpeting in your head and alerting you that you weren’t a true baptist. You didn’t try hard enough to believe. You simply couldn’t be saved.

You stopped attending church. Stopped thinking about heaven. Even stopped calling your father every weekend–now a distant memory you tried with the best of your ability to push back and replace with the college kid lifestyle. The silence that followed didn’t even feel like guilt, but relief. A break from that damned church being forced onto you every day when you woke up.

Hymns traded for headphones, soon picking up cigarettes not only to feel grown. The people there didn’t know you by your last name. Hell, they didn’t even know your last name: it didn’t matter in college. There, you weren’t just the preacher’s daughter.

Sure, you packed your bible, told yourself you’d put it to good use. But by the time you were exposed to the new world you’d never gotten close to experiencing, it was quickly forgotten in the drawer next to the bed in your dorm.

The cover reading The Holy Bible soon was picking up dust and ended up stampeded by a variety of other items that certainly would be regarded as sinful on the sacred pages. Things that would make your daddy sick at the sight of. Cheap lace panties only to be worn under dresses, broken lipsticks and a pack of condoms–yet to be opened.

The first time you kissed a stranger, the guilt finally got to you. Nipped at you, gave you true pain and fear you couldn’t seem to recognize. You let him take you home from a party, he didn’t ask your name, and you didn’t offer.

Hand slipping beneath your shirt, all you could think of was the old Sunday school books you’d color in, your father and the other children sitting next to you. Soft pastel crayons and the sad-eyed saints on the pages.

This boy was different. Your last name didn’t matter, he didn’t know you used to help with prayer circles, you’d lead choir at Christmas time, or that the first time you’d been touched by a man that wasn’t your family was when he was anointed you with oil on your forehead and swore he heard the voice of God when he laid his hands on you.

He kissed you like you were a body, not your father’s name. And you just let him.

You didn’t cry after. You felt like it, but you didn’t. You laid on your bed in the dark, fingers splayed out over your stomach as you waited for something to feel inside of you. Something to split, to help you understand the gap between heaven and skin. Nothing.

It might seem reassuring, maybe something to give you a sign that you were really as pure as you were meant to be, growing up in such a sacred household. But no, it was worse. Feeling nothing meant that nobody was watching, not even Him.

That was the night you entirely stopped praying.

The only thing remaining was the cross hung around your neck at all times, more as a reminder of the girl you used to be, the girl who your parents tried to raise. Of the girl who believed love came second and was earned through suffering. Who didn’t know that wanting could also be holy. Who was more confused and guilty than anything.

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The call came on a Monday on your walk home from your first class, and upon seeing it was your father, you let it go to voicemail.

His voice always shared the same sound as the town: hollow, sun-bleached, left out too long in the heat to shrivel up and go to dust. You expected the usual, asking meaningless questions about school and reminding you about the church, giving you information about the town you’d simply rather not listen to.

Not today, though. His voice was slightly shriveled, softer than you were used to hearing over the phone. He didn’t cry, your daddy was never one for crying. Just said the words before ending the voicemail.

“Hey, sweet girl. I know I already called you yesterday. You didn’t pick up.”

It would make you feel less guilty if he sounded upset about it, but the blank tone in his voice whenever he reminded you of your absence always seemed to hit you in the heart like a truck. He continues.

“Uh, it’s your Uncle John. He’s gone.”

The two sentences were split by an awkward cough, a correction of his voice. Silence for a moment.

“Funeral’s Saturday, your room’s still here and put together if you wanna come. I didn’t know if you’d want to.”

Your uncle was the first man to treat you like you weren’t just a creation for God, he’d hug you without quoting scripture and wouldn’t always be preaching at you. Fuck. A genuinely good man in a pitiful town that you have to call home. And you can’t name many men like that.

As terrible as it’d make you feel, you almost didn’t go. Going means seeing all the figures that you’ve spent nights crying about in your college dorm, everything from your childhood that tortured your later years coming back as if it's nothing.

But not going was blatant disrespect to your late uncle, one of the only men in the town you actually had some respect left for. So, you grabbed a suitcase and tossed in the necessities: toiletries, a few modest outfits for your seemingly brief return to Texas, a funeral dress.

Preparing for the airport, you had the nagging feeling you were forgetting something. You forced yourself to recheck your bag at least three times, thinking it’d be a basic item–deodorant, toothpaste, socks? Everything was there.

The feeling lingered but you brushed it off for a bit, throwing your shoes on and tying them the way your daddy taught you. Bunny ears. One loop through the other, pulled into a tight knot.

You opened the damned nightstand drawer, the one that carried all forms of guilt, and the feeling finally dropped at the sight of your old bible hidden under a couple of old napkins and a bottle of Zoloft. Even though you were in a rush to get out to the airport, you took the time to finally sit down and look at it, hoping it’d take a bit of the weight off of your chest before seeing your father and the church again.

The surface was–obviously–incredibly dusty, but it looked the same. It was the same old copy you’d been given after your baptism, at such a young age. You were a daisy fresh girl then, with no guilt or sense of doom following you around.

The thought had you sitting for a moment. Fingers tracing down the bonded leather that’s creased over the years, over the lettering on the cover that you used to swear by. It was a horrible feeling and genuinely had your heart hurting for the first time in months, the first time since the day after your first kiss.

And for once, you swore you might’ve felt Him looking down on you.

But, opening it would be too much. Seeing the little underlines from your favorite pen as a child and notes written in the margins during Sunday School would make your heart heavier. Flying already makes you anxious, and the weight of reading through your bible right now wouldn’t ever help with that. Not anymore.

The flight was rough. The drive from the airport to your childhood town was worse.

Smelling all the old scents–rust from fences, stale cigarette smoke everywhere in the air–it lingered as a constant reminder of your childhood in the church. The old wooden pews and the leather of hymnals, stretched fabric of you and your cousin’s best Sunday dresses.

You passed by the baptismal river, the church-run thrift store run by your old elementary school teacher that’s full of Bibles and nearly broken toys. The Sunday school, farmhouses with broken shingles on roofs and chickens out back. The funeral home you’d be attending tomorrow, your old highschool, trailers with Virgin Mary statues in the front.

The buildings sit still, watching you and judging like all the women in town do. Paint peeling in strips, the church bell groaning uncomfortably. The memories aren’t pleasant, your spine stiffening the second you pull into the old gravel driveway of your childhood home. Haunting, not comfortable, pressing down on you like guilt.

From the outside, the house appears innocent, neat. White clapboards scrubbed over time by the sun, and the old porch that wraps around the front. You used to sit out there with your daddy and uncle on Sunday afternoons.

Flag out front and fresh roses delivered on the steps, but with thirsty and brittle grass. Windows that catch light in a way that unsettles you–just so you can’t see what goes on inside.

The door creaks like you remember, the floor following suit. And almost enough to scare you, your father was waiting in the kitchen for your arrival. He didn’t feel the same, though, more like a stranger. Unknowable, unrecognizable, like a celebrity in your own home.

He greeted you like one, too. Of course, he tried his best, but the awkwardness spilled over and the air was tense–it’s been two years since you’d seen him, and you always seem to ignore his calls now. The only thing on you that reminded him of the little girl he once knew was the cross dangling around your neck.

Your clothes were different. Your scent, your hair, the lipstick you’d chosen, everything. Not so much the town’s little angel, not coming off as God’s sweet creation, but just a girl. One he doesn’t recognize.

“Hi, Angel.”

His voice was softer, even more so than it sounded on the phone. Clothes more casual than the robes and vestments he’d have on on Sundays back then–a simple flannel and jeans. Fitting more in with the other men in town. A few in particular came into your mind.

Your arms met his, and you were soon wrapped up in a hug that brought back feelings you hadn’t felt in a while. Maybe the lord. Maybe simple love. Maybe being home, feeling childhood. You don’t really know.

“Hi, daddy.”

You mumbled, giving him a weak smile and pressing a soft kiss to his now withered and wrinkled cheek. Your hand came up to hold the cheek you’d kissed, shaking your head.

“Room’s clean.” Was all you got in response. He didn’t ask how you’d been this time, didn’t pay any mind to the way your dress now fit above your knee. He couldn’t pick up on the cigarette lighter in your bag. Nothing. Like you’re a stranger in another pew.

And somehow, it hurt more than the other times you’d heard from him and he did nag you about these things. You almost wanted him to notice something, to pick on you. It’d at least make you feel more at home.

There was a strange and hollow mercy in the silence he offered you–a grace you seemingly hadn’t earned again. Your stomach twisted, the same way going to church as a teenager would make you feel, back when forgiveness felt like a failed test.

You feared his judgement in the past. He’d certainly say something about the length of your dress or your makeup. But now, you’re fearful of his indifference. Guilty. If he wasn’t picking you apart, was he noticing anything? Were you worth noticing? Is He noticing? The absence of shame this time isn’t as peaceful as it once seemed.

It was like the funeral was all you’d come for. And yes, it was the only reason you came, but a part of you wanted your father to want you there for more of it. You don’t know if you even want that, but the little baptist girl inside of you is aching.

You nod once and let go of him, shaking your hand off and grabbing your bag–making sure nothing sinful were to fall out. How he’d react if he saw cigarettes in your bag, you didn’t know, and you surely would never want to find out. You don’t see him until the next morning.

The walk to your bedroom brought you a little more peace. The creaks in the floorboards remembered you better than your own father seemed to. The Bible verses framed on the wall, the old air lingering that brought you back years. And for the first time in months, a scent hit you that reminded you of someone else in town.

Someone like your uncle–a man who never reached or treated you as some darling of God. Treated you like a human girl, not just under your father’s name. The first man to catch your eye the next day at your uncle’s service.

He stood towards the back of the church, one hand resting in the pocket of his worn button-down suit jacket and the other rubbing his thigh. He’d never usually dress like this, you know that. But for the sake of the funeral of a good man, he swapped his usual rugged look for a more respectful outfit.

You were used to heavy boots that complimented the look of his broad shoulders. Hands that look like they’ve done years of work–carpentry. Like he works with them, like he smells like Marlboro Reds. A sharp face, both softened and withered by the sun over time. Deep lines carved into his brow, as well as a scar on his right temple.

The graying in his beard would dull most men, and it’s gotten more grey than since the last time you’d seen him. But on him, it made him look more real. Like he’s aging on purpose. Dark and steady eyes, not exactly cold, but highly watchful. Like he’s untrusting, not letting a certain something out.

When you stepped inside, his gaze finally moved from the ground up. Just for a second. At you. Like you’re the only one to draw his precious attention.

And it hit you like fucking thunder. Joel Miller was looking at you. You’ve changed since he’s seen you, grown up. Not a teenager anymore, but a woman. In a black dress, a grown body.

His gaze didn’t display any lust, not yet. But recognition, curiosity, maybe. Something old, low, and almost aching. Aching like his back now–you’re not the only one who’s grown older. He was in his mid thirties when your mother and father had you, and he’s known you ever since. Held you as a baby. Was there for your baptism, for the performances you put on as a child at church every Christmas.

He’s fifty-six now and feeling as if your name on his tongue would still taste and feel like that little girl he used to know, the one you used to be. But his eyes showed that you weren’t her. He didn’t recognize you.

Not in the same way your father didn’t recognize you, no. In his own way. Your father saw through you, like a verse no longer needed. No comments or even a flicker of recognition in his eyes that matched yours, just polite distance and a kindness reserved for strangers–maybe even sinners not deserving of saving. Like you seemed too far gone to him.

But Joel. His gaze lingered, not sliding over you. Not long enough to be too obvious or come off as creepy, just enough to feel. He paused, shifted. Trying to place you, not from memory but from instinct.

To Joel, you’re not returning to town. Other women and neighbors whispered and stared when they saw you enter the church after a couple of years of absence. Judged. Joel, on the other hand, saw it as an entrance. As someone appearing, not returning as the same little girl seen only as her father’s daughter.

You felt doubly unseen. By the man who helped conceive you, raise you. And by a man in town who is now even more of a stranger. Who you haven’t thought of in months, but now is rushing back. It’s dangerous, and now’s the time you definitely feel like God is choosing to watch–in this church after years of not attending, surrounded by people you used to consider family.

You looked away first, reaching up to your neck to toy with the little cross displayed over your pretty collarbones. The chain you often subtly tug at to try and hang on to the remnants of religion still lingering in that head of yours.

Your father used to tell you that God moves in mysterious ways, but you’d never expect Him to look like a hardened man who smelled like whiskey and sin. Now you felt like you had something to repent for.

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pascallftv · 2 months ago

Text

where the tall grass grows | part IV

'tornado warnings'

joel miller x f!reader | farmer's daughter/neighbor

summary: there's a chance for tornadoes so you set up camp at joel's place

warnings: age gap (reader is mid-twenties, joel is late thirties), mature content, mature language, angst, slow burn, traces of dbf!joel, tornado/weather talk, lots of kissing, dry humping, f!oral, unprotected p in v sex, lots of praise, lots of fluff

word count: 5.2k

previous part

series masterlist | main masterlist

Everything was new.

Not just the new shift between you and Joel, but the fact that the chicks were chirping inside the house, their tub nestled in the corner by Joel’s back door. They huddled together under the heat lamp, their peeping constant from the new environment. The air was cooler than usual, with the sun hidden behind massive storm clouds rolling in from the west.

You weren’t used to this, having them inside and listening to their constant chirps echoing against the walls of Joel’s house. But then again, you weren’t used to anything at the moment. You weren’t used to the warmth of Joel’s hands on your skin, the feeling of him wiping away your warm tears the morning before. You weren’t used to the way he wasn’t hiding himself from you anymore. You still noticed the hesitation when he reached out to touch you, like it was still forbidden, like he was still at war with himself. It was going to take some time for both of you, but you had more important things to worry about at the moment.

You stood out on his porch with your arms crossed as you watched Joel out in the pasture. He moved with purpose as he unlatched the gate and led Callus into the field. The wind had picked up, and the tall grass was rustling in waves as Callus trotted off, tossing his head like he could sense the impending storm. The sky was still clear overhead, but it was getting increasingly darker. The forecast wasn’t great; severe weather, tornado watches, the kind of thing you didn’t take lightly on the farm.

Joel walked back toward you, his eyes flicking up to the sky. “It’s fixin’ to get bad.” He muttered, wiping his hands on his jeans.

You nodded, glancing towards the chicks through the screen door. “Can’t believe I convinced you to bring them in.” You bit back a smile.

Joel let out a low chuckle, but his eyes lingered on you, his gaze thoughtful. The easy back-and-forth teasing was still there, but now that you had decidedly taken things further, it felt different– in a good way.

“You stayin’ put tonight?” He asked, his tone casual, but you could hear something on the edge of his tone.

You hesitated. You weren’t at all opposed to the idea, it actually excited you more than anything. But your first night together made your nerves begin to go haywire. What if he expected sex? It had been so long, what if you weren’t ready?

“I should be okay at my place.” You said.

Joel stared at you. “Ain’t what I asked.”

You gawked up at him, his look making your pulse quicken.

“I’ll stay.” You admitted softer.

Joel nodded, satisfied with your answer. “C’mon. Gotta long night ahead of us.”

Inside, you sat down on the couch while Joel went to check on the chicks. You curled your legs beneath you and flipped the television to the news.

The weather report did not look good. The storm was nasty looking, and it was coming fast. You watched the images of yellow and red swirl on the radar, red boxes beginning to pop up with warnings scrolling across the bottom of the screen.

Joel sank into the spot beside you, his arm resting along the back of the couch. The heat from his body made your skin prickle. You stole a glance at him. His jaw was tight, his gaze fixated on the weather map on the tv.

Your phone buzzed on the coffee table, the sudden vibration making you jump. You reached for it, swallowing hard when you saw Dad flash across the screen.

Joel glanced at you. “You gonna get that?”

You sighed and hesitated for a moment longer before answering. “Hey Dad.”

“Hey sweetheart.” He greeted. “You watching the weather?”

“Yeah, I am. Not lookin’ too good.” You said, playing with the hem of your shorts.

“Why don’t you come here? We’ve got plenty of room.”

“I know.” You started. “I’m actually at Joel’s.”

There was a beat of silence on the line. “Joel’s?”

“He’s got a cellar, figured it was safer here.” You cleared your throat.

Joel’s hand came down onto your thigh, his hand gentle and warm against your bare skin. You looked over at him, his gaze soft and caring. You gave him a small grin before looking back to the tv and biting the inside of your cheek.

“You sure, honey? Martha’s got dinner going. Really wouldn’t be a problem–”

“Dad, I’m fine.” Your voice came out a little too firm. You winced, softening your tone. “Call me if you need anything, okay?”

Your dad sighed. “Alright. Just.. be careful.”

“You know I will.”

You hung up, exhaling slowly as you sat the phone back down. The air felt heavier now.

Joel’s voice was quiet when he spoke. “What’d he say?”

You felt the cushion dip beside you as Joel shifted closer. His fingers reached out, brushing against the ends of your hair, twirling a strand between his calloused fingers. It was so soft and so gentle, it made you feel hot.

“He wanted me to go to their place. I don’t think he loves the idea of me bein’ here.”

Joel hummed, still playing with your hair. “Figured as much.”

You turned your head slightly, just enough to meet his gaze. His eyes were warmer than usual, searching yours.

“That feels nice.” You said softly, leaning into his touch.

Joel didn’t say anything, but kept his fingers moving, slow and deliberate, like he was memorizing the texture of you.

Outside, the wind was beginning to howl, low and steady, rattling against the house. The weatherman’s voice droned on in the background, but you weren’t really listening, not when Joel’s touch was so intoxicating.

You leaned into him, the warmth of his body a comfort against the growing unease in your chest. A distant rumble of thunder rolled through the sky, and Joel’s fingers stilled for a second, but resumed his slow, lazy movements.

“Storm’s gettin’ closer.”

Joel exhaled through his nose, glancing at the screen where the radar painted streaks of red over the county line. “Tornado warning.” He muttered. Your stomach twisted.

He must’ve noticed your discomfort because his hand slid from your hair to rest back on your thigh, warm and steady. “We’ll head to the cellar if it comes to it.”

You nodded, swallowing the lump in your throat. “Hope Callus is okay.”

“Put him in the pasture for a reason. Safer out there, his instinct will keep him safe. Probably hunkered his ass down somewhere by now.”

Thunder cracked again, closer this time, and you jolted when the power flickered. You sucked in a breath. Joel stood to his feet, the warmth of his touch leaving you.

“I’ll grab candles and a flashlight just in case.”

“Wait.” You grabbed his wrist. “I want to come with you.”

You let him pull you to your feet, your heart hammering. You were never too scared of storms, but this was different. This felt all too real, and you can’t remember another storm being this bad in your whole time of living here. You followed Joel into the kitchen where the candles and flashlights were strewn across the table.

The power cut out just as another gust of wind slammed against the house, rattling the windows. Joel grabbed a flashlight, turning it on to give him some light to grab a couple candles. The way the wind howled gave you goosebumps.

Then the sirens wailed.

A sharp, rising pitch that send panic straight to your throat.

Joel grabbed a handful of candles and two flashlights, his movements quick. “C’mon. We’re going down.”

You didn’t argue and let him grab your hand.

The moment you stepped outside, the wind nearly knocked you over. Joel’s grip on your wrist tightened as he pulled you toward the cellar doors at the side of the house. The trees were bending at impossible angles, and the tall grass was nearly blowing sideways. Somewhere in the distance, you heard Callus let out a whinny.

“Joel–” You stopped.

“He’s fine, baby.” Joel said, yanking the doors open and ushering you down the narrow staircase.

The second your feet hit the cement floor, Joel was behind you, pulling the doors shut with a heavy bang. He securely locked it, the storm raging above.

Your breath came fast and uneven as you pressed yourself into the corner of the small space, the scent of earth and aged wood filling your nostrils. Joel stood close, breathing hard. He reached out for you without hesitation, his hands finding your shoulders and guiding you to sit on the cot against the wall.

“Breathe, sweetheart. It’s alright.” He crouched in front of you.

You clenched your jaw, gripping the edge of the cot as the wind screamed above you.

Joel took a deep breath, then moved to sit beside you, looping an arm around your shoulders and tucking you into his side.

“It’s alright.” He repeated, this time he murmured it against your temple.

You melted into him, his warmth grounding you.

The minutes felt like they stretched on for miles. The wind screeched, the cellar doors rattled. Then slowly, the storm began to pass. The wind died down, and the sirens went faded out. Joel’s grip on you eased, but he didn’t let go. His thumb rubbed slow, soothing circles against your arm.

“You okay?” He said softly.

You nodded and swallowed. “I’m okay.”

“We should go check outside.” You murmured.

Joel nodded and stood, helping you up to your feet. He grabbed your hand as he led the two of you up the stairs. The air that met you as Joel pushed open the doors was damp, charged with the smell of rain and wet earth. The sky was still gray, but the worst had passed.

Callus was pacing near the fence line, tossing his head, but he was unharmed. The barn stood firm, and the house was intact. A few branches and scattered debris littered the ground, but you let out a sigh of relief. Your gaze wandered over to your house, and from what you could tell, it was still intact too.

Joel exhaled in relief, running a hand down his face. “Could’ve been a hell of a lot worse.”

You nodded in agreement, and listened as you could hear the chicks chirping from inside, oblivious to the chaos that just unfolded.

The power was still out when you went inside, but Joel moved through the house, lighting a few candles before settling back onto the couch. You joined him, curling your legs beneath you.

“You called me baby.” You said softly, tilting your head towards him.

Joel looked down, grabbing your hand in his.

“I did.” He said, rubbing his thumb on the backside of your palm. “That okay?”

“More than okay.” You whispered.

You don’t know where the sudden confidence came from, but the next thing you knew you were climbing onto his lap, straddling him between your thighs. Your hands came down to rest on his shoulders, his hands coming down to hold your waist.

“In fact, I think you should call me baby more often.” You said, leaning forward. “I like the way you say it.”

You felt the way Joel’s breath hitched beneath you, his hands tightening at your waist. His gaze was darker, his eyes a deeper shade of brown. They flickered between your lips and your eyes, his restraint hanging by a thread.

“Yeah?” His voice was deeper and rougher now. His fingers dug into the flesh of your hips, like he wanted to pull you closer but was holding himself back.

You nodded slowly, your fingers brushing against the soft curls at the nape of his neck. “Yeah.”

Joel gave up, pulling you in and capturing your lips with his. His mouth was urgent and desperate. His hands roamed up your back, pressing you flush against his chest, his heart pounding just as wildly as yours.

A soft whine escaped you as he tilted his head, deepening the kiss, his tongue teasing against yours in a way that made heat coil low in your belly. His grip on you tightened, his hands slipping beneath your shirt, fingers splaying across the bare skin of your back.

You gasped against his lips, rolling your hips just slightly. Joel groaned, the sound reverberating deep in his chest. His hands slid lower, gripping at your thighs, and just as he shifted, pressing you down against him, your phone rang.

You let out a frustrated nose, pulling back just enough to fumble for your phone, barely able to see the screen in the candlelight. Your breath was ragged, lips swollen, and your hands unsteady as you answered.

“Hello?”

Joel muttered a curse under his breath, his hands still gripping your thighs, his chest rising and falling under you. He let his head drop back against the couch, his jaw clenched and his adam’s apple on display. He squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to tame himself.

“Everything okay there?” Your dad’s voice came through.

You swallowed, trying to ignore the way Joel’s fingers were still tracing slow circles into your bare skin, his touch burning into you. “Y-yeah we’re all good, just some broken branches in the yard.”

Your dad hummed. “Looks like we’re in the clear now. Is the power out there?”

“Yeah.” You exhaled. “Joel lit some candles. We just came up from the cellar.”

Joel’s fingers tightened at your waist when you said his name, his gaze dragging up to yours, dark and unreadable.

“You sound out of breath, you okay, sweetheart?”

You felt your face burn. “Yeah, yeah I’m okay. Just hot in here without AC.”

Joel huffed out a quiet laugh, his grip tightening on you for just a second before his hands moved back to your thighs.

“Alright, just checkin’ in. Take care and get some rest, okay?”

“Yeah. Night, dad.”

You ended the call and let your phone drop onto the couch beside you, sighing sharply.

Joel was watching you again, his expression unreadable, but the heat behind his eyes was unmistakable.

“Leave it to Bryan.” You bit your bottom lip.

“Yeah.” Joel said gruffly.

The air was still tense, electric almost. You weren’t sure if the mood was ruined and if you should just throw in the towel and get off his lap, or if you should continue where you left off.

“Sorry.” You whispered, glancing down.

Joel exhaled, his fingers squeezing your thighs one last time before he leaned back. “Don’t be.” His voice was gravelly. The candlelight flickered, casting a golden light over his features, making him look softer.

He reached out again, this time, his finger tracing up the expanse of your thigh, closer and closer to where you were craving him most. “You drive me crazy.”

Your breath caught.

“Joel–”

“Can’t believe I have you.” He said, his voice low and rough. “Shouldn’t but I do.”

Your heart clenched, but as you parted your lips to respond, he was leaning back in, his lips brushing against your jaw, just the softest touch before they traveled lower, ghosting over the sensitive skin beneath your ear.

“Want you so goddamn bad, baby.”

A shiver ran through you. His finger traced higher, squeezing against the flesh of your thigh as high as it could go before he reached your center. You turned your head slightly, catching his mouth with yours again.

Joel kissed you like he was done holding back, his other hand tangling in your hair, pulling you flush against him. You whimpered, your fingers slipping beneath his shirt, dragging over the plane of his stomach.

He groaned, deep and low, and suddenly his hips were jutting up against yours. Joel let out a curse, his hands moving up to grab at your waist. His lips moved down your neck, nipping and sucking at the skin, making heat pool low in your stomach. As Joel’s mouth worked its way down your neck, his breath hot and ragged, his hands guided your hips to roll against him. You gasped into the kiss, pressing yourself closer, feeling the way his cock was hardening beneath you.

“Joel.” You whispered, threading your fingers through his hair, tugging gently.

Joel whined, his hands sliding up your shirt, his calloused fingers dragging up your belly to the soft fabric of your bra, squeezing around your breasts. Your body arched into him, your head tipping back at the feeling. Joel took this as an opportunity to kiss the front of your throat, your breath uneven.

“Fuck.” He muttered against your skin, pulling back just enough to look at you, his pupils wide with desire. “We gotta stop.”

Neither of you moved. You gulped. “Do you want to stop?”

His fingers flexed at your hips, his jaw clenching. “No.” He admitted.

You leaned in again, your nose brushing against his. “Then don’t.”

Joel breathed out through his nose, then in one swift movement, he stood up with you in his arms. You let out a surprised gasp, wrapping your legs around his waist as he carried you through the dimly lit house, navigating by memory alone.

Your heart hammered as he reached his bedroom, nudging the door open with his foot before stepping inside. The air was thick with anticipation, your pulse thumping in your ears.

Joel kicked the door shut behind him, then laid you down against the mattress, hovering over you, his body a comforting weight above you.

His fingers traced along your jaw, tilting your chin up so your eyes met his.

“This what you want?” He asked, his voice quiet. His eyes were just visible in the candlelight, and you silently thanked the heavens that Joel put a candle in here.

“I want you, Joel.” You muttered. “More than anything.”

You reached up, cupping his face in your palms. You pressed your lips to his, his hands moving with newfound urgency as they pulled you deeper into him.

Joel’s lips left yours, dragging down your jaw and to your neck, placing a kiss there. “So beautiful, baby. Smell so sweet.” He whispered.

You gasped as he rolled his hips down against yours, his cock straining beneath the denim of his jeans. One of his hands snaked up beneath your shirt, grabbing one of your tits firmly. You closed your eyes as his fingers worked your breast out of your bra, massaging your nipple between them. Your gaze flicked down as Joel worked your shirt up and over your chest, your bare breast on display for him. He lowered his mouth down, taking your nipple into his mouth. You whined as he flicked his tongue against the sensitive flesh, his other hands tracing down your waist and to your inner thigh.

“Joel.” You gasped as his fingers added pressure to your closed center, rubbing up and down.

“Want to taste you.” Joel said, pulling away from your nipple, his voice husky.

You nodded quickly. You sat up, yanking your shirt over your head and tossing it on the floor next to the bed. You reached out and grabbed the hem of Joel’s shirt, taking initiative to take his off as well. You ran your hands down the skin of his chest and belly, dragging your hand down to his crotch, squeezing the growing bulge there.

“Fuck.” Joel grunted, his hips rutting his erection against your palm.

Joel gently pushed you to lay back down, his hands lowered to your shorts, slipping his fingers under the waistband. He dragged them down your thighs, your baby pink panties on display for him. His brows furrowed in desire at the wetness gathering into a stain at your core. You tilted your head into your shoulder, watching him lower his mouth to kiss your pussy through your panties. Arousal boiled deep in your belly as you watched him, his cheeks getting rosy at the sheer sight of you like this.

His hands slithered up beneath you to your back, unbuckling your bra. You leaned up slightly to slip it off completely, your bare breasts now completely exposed to Joel. His hands dragged around your waist, landing on your breasts. You whimpered as he took them into his palms, massaging them gently, yet firmly. You squeezed your thighs together trying to alleviate some of your arousal.

“Want to make you feel so good, baby.” Joel murmured.

His fingers found their way to your panties, looping around the waistband, slowly dragging them down. You licked your lips at the sudden air on your bare center. They parted as you watched Joel lower his mouth to your core, his hot breath fanning over your folds. He dragged his tongue up your vulva to your clit, then wrapped his lips around it, gentle sucking it. You inhaled sharply, your back arching off of the mattress.

“Fuck.” You moaned, grabbing the sheets at your sides as his finger slid between your folds, rubbing at your opening to gather your slick.

He slowly dipped his forefinger into you, curling it upwards to stimulate your g spot. You sucked in a deep breath, and reached a hand down to tangle into his hair, tugging gently at his curls. You gazed down through hooded eyes at the sight of Joel’s face between your thighs, his tongue working in steady movements against your core.

You felt the coil beginning to wind tight in your lower abdomen already. Joel’s thumb moved up to rub gentle circles around your sensitive clit while his tongue began to prod at your opening with his finger. Your head rolled back in pleasure as he slipped a second finger inside you, deliciously dragging against your overly sensitive g spot.

“Fuck, Joel.” You whimpered. “I’m gonna come.”

Joel worked his thumb faster against your clit, quicker yet still gentle. His fingers pumped faster inside you, and you felt your climax drawing closer and closer. Joel rutted his hips against the mattress, the sight of your eyes rolling back in your head shooting pleasure through him.

“That’s it, baby. Doing so good for me.” Joel praised you, his breaths fast and a little ragged.

He kept the pace with his fingers, and suddenly the coil in your snapped, and your back arched off the bed as your orgasm overcame you, the heat shooting through your core. Your mouth fell open, your vision going white, your legs muscles tensing as you let your climax take over.

“That’s it, baby. That’s it.” Joel muttered, his thumb still rubbing circles against your clit.

As you came down for your orgasm, you squeezed your legs against Joel. The pressure was too overstimulating for your clit. Your eyes fluttered down just as Joel’s glistening fingers left your core, reaching them up to his mouth to suck off your come.

“Such a good girl.” Joel said, leaning himself forward to press his mouth to yours in a passionate kiss. You tasted twangy on his tongue, the taste making you whimper against him.

“You did so good for me. Gonna fuck you now, is that okay?” Joel asked, his hand grabbing at your breast again, pinching gentle at your nipple.

“Yes please.” You said breathlessly, nodding your head.

Joel stood up, and reached his large hands down to unbutton his jeans. He slid them down his legs, along with his boxers. You watched as his erection sprung up against his abdomen, his tip red and angry with arousal. He used his fingers to gather his precum, and stroked himself up and down.

You swallowed hard as Joel lowered himself over you, his bicep flexing as he held himself up with one arm, while the other pumped his length. You reached your hands up and cupped his face, and peppered kisses along his jawline, before landing on his lips. You kissed him with desperation, trying your best to show him how deeply you felt for him, how much you were falling for him. Your lips left his, but still ghosted over them, your noses still brushing together.

You lowered your gaze as Joel rubbed his cock up and down your folds, your arousal gleaming off of his tip. You sucked in a sharp breath and his tip nicked your clit that was still overstimulated from your orgasm.

“So fuckin’ beautiful.” Joel breathed out, his mouth trailing down to your throat, kissing it as he lined his tip up with your opening.

“Gonna take it slow, baby.” He said, then took your ear lobe between your teeth, lightly nibbling on it for a second before placing a kiss just below it.

“Please, Joel. Need you.” You whined, your brows furrowed in desperation.

Your core throbbed as he continued to tease your opening. Your lips parted as you waited for him to make a move. Joel slowly pushed the tip in, breaching your entrance. You gasped at the sensation as he slid his length in, inch by inch. A moan rose low in your throat as you took about half of him in, your walls hot and tight around him. Joel whined, your opening squeezing him perfectly.

“Fuck, baby. Feel so good on my cock.” He whimpered against your neck.

He began rutting against you, slowly but steadily. He pushed in completely, filling you to the brim with his length. You exhaled deeply, your hands winding up to his curls at the back of his neck, tugging on them softly. As he moved inside you, his mouth fell back to your tits, wrapping around your sensitive nipples. Your head fell back against the mattress, your eyes screwing shut and your mouth falling open at the added pleasure. Joel could feel your walls clenching around his cock as he moved in you, his pace quickening.

Joel’s mouth came off your nipple with a pop, the bud glistening with his spit. “Such pretty tits, sweet girl. Can’t get enough of ‘em.”

You ran your hand from his neck down the hot skin of his back, sweat already gathering there. You arched against him as he hit that spot deep inside you. Joel grabbed one of your calves, lifting it to rest on his shoulder. You gasped at the new angle, his cock somehow drilling into you deeper. The room was filled with the sound of your skin slapping together, and the staggered breaths falling from both of your heaving chests.

“Fuck, Joel. So fuckin’ good.” The worlds tumbled from your lips. You struggled to keep your eyes open as you felt another orgasm coming on. The new angle was too much, but you didn’t want to stop. “So close.”

At your words, Joel’s thumb found its way back at your clit, finding its rhythm again, rubbing it soft circles against the swollen nerves. You gasped sharply, your hand flying down to his wrist, grabbing him, but not stopping him.

“Look at me. Be a good girl and look at me when you come.” Joel said, his brows furrowed in deep concentration and pleasure.

“Oh my god.” You blurted out as your second orgasm washed over you, your body trembling against his.

Your hand pushed his hand away from your clit, your pussy clenching and throbbing around his length as he continued to pump in and out of you. You felt your breath leave your body as it tensed completely through your high, your eyes rolling back in your head, and your free hand grasping the sheets for dear life.

“Doing so good for me, baby.” Joel told you, leaning down to kiss your warm forehead. “Flip over for me.”

Joel helped you roll over onto your stomach. He grabbed your hips, helping you up onto your knees, your ass perched up for him. He groaned at the sight of you opened up him, both of your holes on display. He grabbed the plump flesh of your ass, spreading your cheeks open. You breathed out a whine when he bent down and placed a kiss on your folds, sucking gently on your aching clit before sitting back up straight to line his tip back up at your opening.

“Give me one more, sweet girl.” Joel said, then fully sheathed himself back inside you.

You fisted the sheets as he thrusted quickly in and out of you, your back arching instinctively. His hand snaked up your back and grabbed at your shoulder, giving him better leverage to pound you, his balls slapping against your center. You involuntarily whimpered over and over as he hit you deep, his tip bucking against your cervix every now and again.

“F-fuck, Joel.” You groaned out, your head tilting back.

Joel’s hands moved from your shoulder to your throat, not squeezing it, just wrapping it around your neck. He leaned forward and kissed you from behind, his breath hot against yours.

You felt your high nearing once more. You felt completely used up, and this orgasm was going to have to be your last. You moaned out as the hot heat flooded your core, your muscles beginning to tense already. You were so close.

“Can feel you squeezing me, baby. Go ahead and come for me.” Joel said between breaths. His chest heaved up and down, sweat littering his skin.

“Holy shit, holy shit.” You breathed out quickly, your knuckles going white as you squeezed the sheets harder than ever, your orgasm approaching like a freight train.

“That’s it, let go.” Joel said, his hand trailing back to your clit.

The added pleasure triggered your third orgasm, a borderline scream falling from your lips as you came hard. Joel fucked you through it, your vision and hearing completely going blind as your climax overcame you. Your walls clamped down hard around Joel, his orgasm following quickly behind yours.

Joel slipped out of you, and pumped himself to his climax, his come landing in warm spurts across your back. He grunted as he came, one hand holding himself up, the other massaging your ass cheek. Your slick dripped from your center, your folds drenched and used.

You were in a hazy state of exhaustion as Joel went to the bathroom to gather a damp cloth. He came back and gently wiped your back clean of his spend, then as soft as he could, he cleaned up your center, wiping you clean of your slick.

You were completely laying on the mattress now, still trying to catch your breath. Your cheeks were flushed, and your hair was messy. Joel leaned down and pressed a kiss to your hair, and ran a warm hand up your back, taking in how nice your soft skin felt against his calloused fingertips.

“You okay, sweet girl?” Joel asked softly, pressing a kiss to the side of your forehead.

“Mhm.” You hummed with your eyes closed.

Joel chuckled softly. At some point during your climaxes, the power had turned back on. The cool AC felt blissful against your burning hot skin.

Joel laid down beside you, propping himself up on his elbow as he traced patterns along your spine.

“You fallin’ asleep on me already?” He teased, his voice soft.

You forced your eyes open just enough to look at him, a small, sleepy smile tugging at your lips. “Maybe.”

He let out a quiet laugh. “Get some rest.”

He pressed a kiss to the top of your head, then reached out to grab your hand, tangling his fingers with yours.

For a man convincing himself for so long that he didn’t deserve someone like you, he was sure holding onto you like he never wanted to let go. As you drifted off to sleep beside him, you hoped that he never would.

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