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#penis humour
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Tybalt: My uncle made me take fencing lessons because he hoped that would make me less gay. Now, I know how to suck dick AND stab people.
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chilapis · 1 month
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I feel like I always talk about criminal law this and contract law that but did you know that while studying public law, one must enlighten themselves on the subject of prerogative powers? And did you know that you’re completely allowed to abbreviate longer terminology in your essays? Did you know that for the duration of an entire chapter I had to sit there and listen to, and write about, fucking “pp”? Did you know that on the day we first dived into this chapter our teacher wrote on the whiteboard, and I quote, “3 types of PP”? And then listed them down, starting with PP of the monarch? Did you know that. Did you know how tightly clenched my jaw was during all those lectures because I was so utterly terrified that I was going to fucking crumble over the monarch’s Phallus Penis
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astaldis · 4 months
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@smubbles-etc
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Chapters: 1/1     Words: 900 Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Jaskier | Dandelion, Borch Three Jackdaws | Villentretenmerth, Véa (The Witcher), Téa (The Witcher), Yarpen Zigrin Additional Tags: Smubbles, dragon, directly after season 1 episode 8, Humour, penis talk
Summary: After Geralt leaves, Jaskier gets the story about what happened on the mountain from the others. Still, there is one question left that he needs to ask the dragon, a rather personal one.
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lemonlurkrr · 2 years
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tell us about your classmates!! let us live vicariously through you
me and another classmate made a baby together today.
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r0bee · 2 years
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Pass the happy! When you receive this list 5 things that make you happy and send this to 10 of the last people in your notifications. (You dont have to if u dont want to tho 💞💞💞💞😌)
1) You <3 /p (and Taylor but she's not on tumblr djshshsh)
2) my special interests
3) rn I'm pretty happy about the way my comics are arranged on my wall bc my mum finally got me some blutack and I just moved some stuff around
4) the risotto I just had it was yummy
5) the pretty lights they put up in town that I get to see when I'm going home after college :)
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the80shippie · 3 months
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Such a prick! 🤣
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gilla-day · 9 months
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Sitting beside the girl I like while learning about the male reproductive system makes me so comfortable :,)
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official-torfmoor · 1 year
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Let's have a look at Paul Allen's wrench.
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wndaswife · 3 months
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saving room for dessert | wanda maximoff & fem!reader
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Dinner with the new neighbours sets you on edge due to the repeated subtle passes made at your wife. You reestablish your ownership over Wanda in the kitchen while your guests wait for dessert in the dining room.
Word count: 6864
Tags | MDNI: smut, domestic fluff, humour, jealousy, possessiveness, reader has a penis, handjobs, brief thigh fucking, daddy kink, degradation, but way more praise, what is the word for almost getting caught fucking in the room beside the dinner guests??, sub!wanda maximoff
A/N: the corny alliteration of vision and virginia's name was not my doing it is based on his comic series ndskjfnkjfn
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The town of Westview was a rather quiet one, though both you and your wife really loved the neighbourhood community, for it was friendly and close-knit. When you first moved into Westview together, it was because Wanda’s job had relocated her to somewhere further than where you had previously lived, and close to the charming town that was alike to the kind you had always talked about living in together.
Both of you were delighted to find that the people of Westview were welcoming and kind, and that there were frequently tourists that made the small town buzz with life, for Westview’s small-town charm along with its infamous preservation of its older architecture and landscape was a sight that many of those from the more bustling areas of New Jersey enjoyed visiting.
Though Westview had a tightly-knit community and a steady flow of cheerful tourists, it was rather uncommon for the small town to get new people moving in, so when one of the new neighbours ended up working alongside Wanda, the two of you were rather eager to get to know them — a long-time married couple with two children who’d graduated from college and were now living elsewhere.
After about two weeks of scheduling between the four of you, dinner that had long been spoken about was finally happening at yours and Wanda’s. 
You were looking forward to it, for Wanda spoke quite highly of the wife, who she described as an extremely kind and funny woman. You had spoken with her a few times too, but only by chance like under casual circumstances when you were bringing in groceries with Wanda and she was out gardening. 
Additionally, Virginia, the wife, lived in Russia until she was eight, and though Wanda was Sokovian, the two were able to initially enjoy discussing their Slavic similarities in culture and dialect until they became closer, chatting casually about things from their spouses to Westview. Eventually, conversation led up to Wanda inviting Virginia and her husband, Vision, over for dinner. 
You were looking forward to it, and though Wanda was looking forward to dinner with the neighbours too, she also enjoyed hosting and cooking, and so the kitchen was busy and smelling wonderfully for the last little while as you cooked together. 
Mostly, it was Wanda who took the lead with cooking, but since being married, her talents had rubbed off on you; you could now dice onions at perhaps two-thirds of the speed she could, and Wanda also always says you’re good at cleaning up after her while she cooks.
But also, you really just loved doing things like this with her, when you could just talk about anything, just the two of you, while doing things you could only dream about when the two of you were still only dating, living in a place together that you could also only dream about back then. 
You wrapped your arm around your wife’s waist once she slid the potato dauphinoise into the oven and shut it, pulling her into your body and kissing her forehead. “I love you,” you uttered into her warm skin. 
She held your chin in her hand and angled your face to hers so she was able to kiss your lips. “I love you too,” she replied, smiling sweetly at you. 
Your guests were five minutes early, perhaps to make a good impression, for they could have been exactly on time if they so preferred seeing as though they lived right next door. 
It was you who opened the door as Wanda was finishing up a few things in the kitchen, ensuring the cheesecake you had made earlier was comfortably sitting in the fridge waiting until it was time to serve dessert.
Also, she thought it’d be a good impression for you to greet them first, since you’d yet to meet either of them officially.
Cheesecake was actually your signature greatest achievement in the kitchen aside from nearly — not nearly at all, really, but you like to boast — keeping up Wanda’s onion-chopping. You’d taken the cheesecake recipe from a cookbook, and it was Wanda who adjusted most of the measurements and changed some of the ingredients, but it was you who could make it perfectly.
Well, Wanda could make it perfectly too, and probably better, but she never tried; she liked the way you made it, and gave you recipe credit though it was her who really reconstructed it to be what it tasted like now. But she always says that it was you who found the original recipe, at the end of the day.
Not that any of that would matter to your guests, and maybe it might be a story told over dinner if the topic came up, but it mattered plenty to you and Wanda; you wanted to concoct a special dinner together, preparing dishes with special meaning. Though some of said meanings were not as profound in their history as the cheesecake’s, like how Wanda lathered the dinner rolls in butter a second time halfway through because you liked when the top of the rolls weren’t completely dry by the time they were finished baking.
In any case, the intention was to host a dinner that was friendly and warm, and so the dinner spread was selected with intention.
“Hi,” you greeted with a smile, waving a bit awkwardly for no reason at all before ushering them into the foyer and closing the front door behind them. “You must be Virginia — I’ve heard lots about you from Wanda.”
The woman, slightly taller than you and with smooth, soft looking dark hair that ended at the mid-way point of her slender neck, beamed at you as she stepped into the house, her husband following behind her. She took your hand with both of hers, warm fingers caressing your hand gently. “And you must be Y/N. I’ve also heard quite a bit about you from Wanda,” she said, eyes crinkling at their edges as she smiled.
She gestured to her husband, a clean-shaved blonde man with aviators, slightly shorter than his wife but still a bit taller than you. “This is my husband, Vision,” she introduced. “I don’t believe even Wanda’s yet met his acquaintance.”
It was when Vision shifted the lidded ceramic bowl into his other hand to free one in order to shake your hand that you realised he was carrying something. You shook his hand with a friendly smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Y/N,” he said cordially and with a smile.
“Virginia!” Wanda cheerfully greeted as she walked into the foyer, hair fixed up and now without her cooking apron on. They exchanged a hug and Virginia kissed her cheek before introducing Wanda to her husband.
“Thank you for having us,” Virginia said appreciatively. “We’re both thrilled to finally get to know both of you better.”
Wanda replied, sharing a tenderness with Virginia within their met eyes, “You’re very welcome. Y/N and I have been looking forward to tonight all week.”
“Oh,” you interjected softly, realising Vision was still holding his ceramic bowl. “I’m so sorry, let me take this into the dining room for you.”
“In fact, I’ll also take the both of you into the dining room too,” Wanda added lightheartedly. “Let’s get out of the foyer. You can set your shoes down anywhere by the door, and the coat rack’s right here.”
Once wine had been poured and everyone’s plates were served the dinner you and Wanda had made together — pomegranate-brined chicken with white balsamic charred peach, potato dauphinoise, and a medley of some vegetables — you each sat at the dining room table, enjoying your dinner together.
There was conversation about how wonderfully everything tasted, and you were sure to credit Wanda with taking charge in the kitchen, allowing her to talk a little bit about how she prepared the meal and delving into details the couple asked her about, like how she had made the potato dauphinoise so creamy. 
You began to truly enjoy their company for how much they were complimenting your wife.
Until there was Vision’s, You’re a gorgeous woman who can put together an equally as gorgeous dinner spread — Y/N’s hit the jackpot.
“Dinner couldn’t have been done without Y/N,” Wanda assured and then looked at you with a proud smile mostly meant for your eyes, but you weren’t paying as much attention to her as you were scrutinising Vision’s body language after his comment.
It wasn’t… inherently malicious.
But there was something implicative in his wording that made you slightly sceptical of him.
Perhaps in an attempt to… Well, you actually weren’t entirely sure what Virginia was attempting to do when she lightly corrected, “Both Y/N and Wanda have hit the jackpot finding each other. You two seem so perfect for each other. Not to mention, if I might be so blunt, you’re a rather attractive couple.”
Wanda laughed, but in the way she regarded Virginia’s expression for just an additional moment before looking back down to her plate to respond with something humble and bashful, you knew she was also curious about the other couple’s compliments.
“I moved the wine around!” you tried, intentionally poorly, to call after Wanda when conversation came around to discussing the different wines you had, resulting in Wanda leaving to go get one the opposite couple loved. “Sorry, if you’ll excuse me, I don’t believe I’ve yet told her how I reorganised down there.”
As you headed down the hallway, you inhaled and exhaled thoroughly to untie the uneasy kink in your stomach, sure to keep your shoulders still so your tenseness wasn’t obvious to your guests who could still see your back until you headed downstairs to where the wine was kept, for their comments hadn’t stopped since the first time.
Wanda looked over her shoulder at you when you descended the stairs and she straightened from looking around at the selection. “Baby, do we still have the Pinot Grigio they were asking about?” she asked, hands on her hips as she leaned back a bit and ran her eyes over the selection on the wall in front of her.
“Are they swingers or something?” you asked as you approached, placing a hand atop Wanda’s hand on her hip as you reached around her and took the white from the wall to her left.
“Oh, you moved them,” Wanda noted, thanking you when you handed it to her. 
You stood beside her in front of the wine rack and repeated your question, looking up at the closed basement door before asking again. “Are they swingers?”
“What?” Wanda looked up from surveying the wine, looking confused. “What are swingers?” 
Clarifying, you replied, “Couples who sleep with other couples.”
“Them?” she asked incredulously and laughed. You took that as a ‘no,’ then looked over at the basement door curiously as if you could see them through it, ruminating over their comments. Then Wanda was silent and unmoving and you looked at her as she was tapping her fingers against the glass of wine, seemingly in deep thought of her own. “Well… Come to think of it…”
“Wanda!” you hissed. “You invited swingers over to our place for dinner!”
“I didn’t know!” she answered. “I just thought… Virginia talks about her sex life often and I suppose there are some times that she’s alluded to… to swinging about with other couples—”
“It sounds weird when you use that term like that — just say sleeping with,” you interrupted.
Your wife gave you a look and you cracked a tiny amused smile before she continued. “Anyway, yes, I suppose they’re swingers. I didn’t know!”
With your arms crossed, you tapped your fingers against your upper arm in thought, and Wanda supposed you were thinking of how to converse with them now that you both knew they were swingers. But instead you asked hesitantly, meeting Wanda’s eyes, “Are you… interested in that?”
Wanda scoffed. “Y/N, no. Don’t be ridiculous,” she replied. You surveyed her face for a moment longer and she fully turned her body to face you. “You really think I want to sleep with other couples?”
“No, I don’t, but we’ve never had the conversation before, so it’s possible that you’ve had it on your mind before, even in passing.”
She assured, “I do not want to sleep with anyone else but you.” It was almost funny to hear those words come out of her if you thought about it with no context, but context given, it was really a relief to you. “I’m entirely satisfied with only us, and the thought of being with anyone else disturbs me greatly. I’m not offended that you asked just to make sure, but the idea of being with another couple, or anyone but you, has never been anything that I’ve entertained. Y/N, I didn’t even know what swinging was until a moment ago.”
“Okay?” she checked in, her voice soft, letting her other hand with the wine hang by her hip while she stepped towards you and cupped your cheek with a warm hand. “I really didn’t know — and not even subconsciously, if you’re thinking that.”
“Okay,” you confirmed and smiled at her, causing Wanda to smile at you in response. She leaned forward and kissed you.
When she pulled away, she met your eyes and your chest warmed when Wanda’s smile crinkled the sides of her eyes. Her thumb rubbed against your chin adoringly. “I’m unsure how we ought to go about signalling a lack of interest in having sex with them,” she told you.
“Just a lack of reciprocation, maybe?” you suggested, and at that, you perked up at the recollection of their commentary that you now knew was flirtatious. “Wanda, if Vision calls you gorgeous one more time, I’ll fuck you over the dining table monogamously in front of them — I’m serious. It’s driving me crazy. He’s right, but to know they’re both just thinking of how much more gorgeous you’d be if we were all having sex is rather startling.”
It wasn’t that they weren’t making subtle passes at you too, but since Wanda was far more communicative and talkative, it was natural that their efforts to become closer circulated your wife far more than it did you.
Wanda laughed and pushed at your shoulder playfully, her head thrown back slightly. “You’re such a freak,” she said. She took your hand and you headed out of the basement together. “It’s okay. Now that we’ve spoken about it together, I’m sure it’ll be much less awkward since we know they’re swingers. It likely won’t be a problem until they bring it up, and then we can clarify that we’re not interested.”
The plan was more than simple, but it failed to consider how agitated you were becoming, little comments now seeming much larger now that their intentions were clarified between you and your wife. 
It was things from Virginia noting how you seemed to be the one to ‘take charge’ in the marriage, to asking outright how often the two of you had sex, about children and the possibility of them, and plenty of other things that were likely of no consequence but seemed irritating to you because you were simply irritated. 
Mostly, it was Virginia’s comments that were permitted to be slightly more vulgar as it was she who asked about yours and Wanda’s sex life, for she was now more than only work friends with your wife, and she’d shared much about her own intimate tendencies with Vision before. 
The conversations about sex weren’t crude, and mostly they were merely jokes, but knowing the intentionality behind them now made them far more than that.
But it was about more than references to sex; there were comments made about how both you and Wanda were such a perfect couple, how well you worked together and how kind you were — observations upon observations about how you and Wanda were within your marriage.
It seemed they had standards, at least.
And truly, Virginia and Vision were kind people and you would thoroughly enjoy having them as neighbours as soon as it was made clear that you and Wanda weren’t interested in sleeping with them.
What irritated you wasn’t necessarily all about them and their commentary, for they knew not that you and Wanda weren’t interested, and anyways, if Virginia had been alluding to being a swinger along with her husband on several occasions, this dinner might very well be interpreted by them as interest.
So you didn’t necessarily dislike them.
It was all true that you and Wanda made a wonderful pair and that Wanda was gentle and so generous, and that she was beautiful and all the things that had been said about her tonight. 
She was very funny too when she wanted to be, and had great taste in movies and all her clothes always sat so well on her shoulders, and her hair was always so soft and the crook of her neck was always very warm, and her fingers were gentle and curious when she had them wrapped around you, and she was so delicate when she slept, and her elbows were a nice shape, though you don’t think you ever told her what you thought about her elbows — all this Virginia and Vision didn’t know, but for whatever reason, you thought so much about it all.
And for another inexplicable reason, it was rather related to how irritated you were.
“Y/N and I have been married for two and a half-ish years now,” Wanda said in response to a question you weren’t listening to, placing her hand on your thigh. You looked over at her and she smiled at you sweetly. 
You’d only said a few things in the last few minutes, little comments and visible reactions to show that you were engaged in the conversation, but nothing majorly contributory. You looked to the side in brief thought then said, “Two years and… seven months.” 
With a second more to think, you also added, “Three days.”
Wanda thought that was funny, but also sweet, and her smile widened, perking up her ears slightly as her smile grew. She squeezed your knee and pulled her hand away to take a sip of wine. “Indeed — two years, eight months, and three days.”
“If we feel so inclined to place trust in my math,” you joked modestly.
You watched as Wanda conversed further with your guests, watching the way she laughed and how she looked over at you often to see your reactions to things or to just make eye contact with you. Specifically, you liked when she looked at you while she was laughing to see if you were also laughing, to share in that joy with you.
As you watched your wife between sips of wine, there was a rupture of adrenaline that came over you. All that you’d been thinking of about Wanda wasn’t some abstract concept about some idea of Wanda — they were all about the woman you loved, the woman who loved you, the woman you were married to.
The woman who was yours, and who’d only ever be yours, as you were hers.
The thought warmed you and made you feel delighted, but your cheeks felt warm and the wine warmed your throat and chest in such a pleasant way, and suddenly, you needed Wanda then and there like you knew you had her.
“Are we all ready for dessert?” Wanda asked, looking around at the table to see everyone’s plates empty with their silverware to the side. 
When Vision confirmed for both himself and Virginia, Wanda said, “Y/N’s made a wonderful cheesecake for the occasion. She can be quite the chef.” Her praise made you feel a bit bashful and you smiled at her gratefully.
Virginia expressed excitement for dessert while you and Wanda collected the empty plates to bring to the kitchen, letting them know it’d be a few minutes.
You followed behind Wanda as she headed down the hallway and into the kitchen. Dishes were thoroughly emptied and rinsed before being placed into the sink while Wanda carefully took the cheesecake out of the fridge.
“Can you take this?” she asked, holding the cake out to you. You took it from her and placed it on the island counter at the centre of the kitchen. “I think I’ll slice some fresh fruit and arrange it nicely on top. I didn’t want to do it before it was served or it wouldn’t be fresh.”
You were listening, but not quite taking in what she was saying. You watched her closely as she took out some fruits and honey from the fridge and brought it to the counter before taking out the cutting board. She tucked loose hair behind her ears and pushed her sleeves up.
Her neck was exposed and you felt the urge to smell her perfume, feel the warmth of her skin against the tip of your nose.
You stepped forward so your pelvis was pressed against her hip, an arm wrapped around her waist as you pulled her close and ducked your head beyond the strands of her hair, burying your nose in her neck. She tipped her head to the side, allowing you room to kiss up her neck.
You felt the vibrations of her laugh against your lips.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I need you,” you answered briefly, using your other hand to tug her sleeve down slightly and expose some of her shoulder so you could kiss there too. There was no response from her aside from a soft hum, and you knew it had been on her mind too. “Don’t tell me you haven’t been thinking about it; all their implications have made me think of you all night.”
“And that constitutes you needing me now?” she asked, turning her head to look down at your face along the slope of your nose and forehead seeing as your face was still half-buried within the crook of her neck. “I would have thought you’d be too busy brooding.”
She was trying half-heartedly to taper your desire, but the soft inflection in her voice told you she’d certainly felt the same thrum you’d been feeling too.
“I was busy with far more important things.” You wrapped your fingers around her wrist carefully and led her hand down to between your hips, and in spite of her hesitation, Wanda’s fingers wrapped delicately around you through your pants. Your hips immediately bucked into her hand.
Wanda inhaled sharply then sighed at the feeling of you. “Y/N…” Your name trembled on her lips. You watched as she swallowed, eyes flickering up at the hallway in front of you both. Her jaw tensed and she looked back down, fingers twitching as she internally fought against her most rational objections.
She bit the inside of her cheek before her hand moved, unbuttoning your pants then unzipping. She met your eyes, her hand pausing momentarily, perhaps wishing you might change your mind suddenly and stop her before she was unable to stop herself. But you said nothing, only meeting her eyes with stubborn conviction.
Your gaze made her cheeks flush a soft pink and Wanda shifted in her spot, pushing her own hips against the edge of the island counter, no doubt feeling her own desire growing. She looked down and tucked her hand past the waistband of your underwear, pulling it down along with your pants until your cock was free.
“I’ve been thinking about having your lips around my cock,” you whispered, your lips brushing against the lobe of her ear. “About the way you groan when I pull out just enough so you can taste the way you make me feel against your tongue before I fuck myself down your throat. I thought about how beautiful your pussy looks when I lay you down and spread your cunt open. I thought about you.”
Her breathing became heavy at the sight of your arousal, seeing how you twitched as you spoke about her. Her hand wrapped around you, her thumb brushing gently over your sensitive tip and eliciting a soft grunt from you.
“Fuck, Wanda,” you cursed from beyond clenched teeth. Your hips twitched forward into her hand and Wanda didn’t wait a moment before giving you the friction you wanted, her hand jerking around you and repressing a moan of her own as she felt you throb and twitch in the warm confines of her palm.
Your arm wrapped around her waist advanced upwards, pulling up some of her shirt and exposing some of her lower stomach as your hand groped at Wanda’s clothed breast.
She let out a soft moan and you watched as she squeezed her thighs together and further pressed her pelvis into the kitchen counter in desperation. Her hand gained speed, ensuring to graze around your tip each time her hand continued its rhythm around you. Her head rested on your shoulder as she watched the way she touched you, watched the way you let her touch you, her breaths shaky as she felt her own desire climb.
But how could you deny your wife mutual pleasure?
You moved the cutting board to the side and Wanda watched as you readjusted things. 
“Y/N, don’t,” she protested quietly. “We can’t.”
Ignoring her, you moved from her side, her hand releasing from around you as you placed your hands on her hips and pressed her against the counter. 
You unbuttoned her pants and watched over Wanda’s shoulder as she watched your hands, her chest rising and falling, gripping the edge of the counter. She was so warm against your body and her perfume smelled so nice. 
You pulled her pants down along with her underwear, allowing you to press your cock against her perfect ass. 
Wanda exhaled a deep, trembling sigh and she leaned forward against the counter. “Y/N,” she weakly protested again, reaching back and trying to swat your hand away. 
Impatient about wanting her to give up her hesitation, you pulled her pants down further below her ass and slotted yourself between her thighs, parting her wet cunt with your dick and brushing your tip against her clit. 
Her head fell back against your shoulder and you felt her thighs squeeze together ever so slightly, nudging you up against her clit. 
“We can’t?” you asked. 
“They’ll…” Wanda braced herself again and straightened her back, knuckles turning white as she pressed the pads of her fingers into the underside of the counter. “They’re in the other room. We’d have to…”
“Be quick?”
She nodded. 
“I can be quick,” you told her. You kissed the corner of her jaw, the hollow part behind her earlobe. “You know I can be quick.”
Your hand slid down her stomach, the heel of your hand brushing against the space between her hips before your fingers found her clit. Carefully, you brushed them against her, feeling the way she twitched her ass back against you, subtly rubbing herself against your cock that was still throbbing between her thighs. 
“Beg me to fuck you.”
Wanda looked over her shoulder at you. “What?” she asked. “I thought you wanted–”
“But you were so adamant that we couldn’t. Now, I’m not so convinced myself,” you said. “You’ll have to beg me.”
“Y/N, please,” she whispered impatiently. 
You gave a quick pinch to her clit and Wanda repressed a yelp as her body jolted against yours. “That’s not how you beg, baby.”
Wanda urged, “We don’t have time.”
“Make time.”
Impatient, you spanked Wanda’s ass lightly and took a handful of the soft flesh, eliciting a sharp inhale from your wife before she sighed out, “Oh, Y/N…”
She reached back, parting from your hips to make enough room for her hand. She wrapped her hand around your cock and stroked it slowly, bending herself over the counter and presenting herself to you obediently. 
“Please, daddy,” she begged. “I want you inside me. I want… I want you. Please. I need you.”
You watched as her desperate hand continued to pleasure you, watched as her back arched as she bent over the counter. You pushed her shirt up her back, eyes running up the delicate curve of her spine and feeling with your palm the smoothness of her soft skin. 
“Are you… Are you going to?” Wanda asked nervously, fully aware of the fact that you had every liberty to pull away and forget all about wanting to fuck her right there and then. She wasn’t exactly meeting your eyes, not that she could at the angle she was looking back over her shoulder at you, but she wasn’t exactly trying to either, for the possibility of you leaving her all desperate and unfucked was all too real.
You hummed in what sounded like consideration, but really, you were just running your eyes down the curve of Wanda’s lower back and the perfect swells of her ass, watching the way she continued to hesitantly stroke you, desperate to please and desperate to have you inside of her.
“How could I deny you, Wanda?” you finally answered, and you saw your wife flush from beyond her mess of loose strands, looking away and at the hallway ahead that led to the dining room. 
“We really have to be quick,” she reminded, letting go of you but not without brushing her thumb over your tip again. 
A hand came to her upper back and flattened her against the kitchen counter, a soft grunt leaving Wanda as was pressed down against the marble. “You really overestimate yourself if you really think it’ll take very long to get you to come,” you mocked, hands hooking under her hips and around her upper thighs, arching her back further and sticking her ass up. 
At the sight of her cunt, you groaned and parted her sticky mess with your thumb and middle finger, brushing your index finger down across her clit. You ran your thumb across her hole, dipping ever so carefully into her before removing your hand to position yourself against her opening.
“I couldn’t help but notice,” you said, “how embarrassed and shy you were every time they mentioned sex or asked about our sex life. Trust me, there were dozens of other things running through my head, but one in particular.”
Wanda gripped at the edge of the counter, taking in a breath as she felt you prod at her opening with your tip, dipping in just enough for her to feel the stretch of your cock sliding into her. “What… What was it?” she asked quietly.
“I wondered why you felt such an urge to act so embarrassed talking about sex when you know what a fucking slut you are,” you gritted out before your hands tightened around her thighs below her hips and pulled her ass back against you so your cock slid into her with a single thrust. 
You leaned forward to grunt against her shoulder, muffling your noises and letting your wife know how good she felt. “Fuck, you feel so fucking good around my dick, angel,” you groaned. “Sweet innocent girls wouldn’t be able to take cock like this, Wanda. You put up a front when you’re with them, but you know how much you love getting your pussy fucked raw by daddy. Isn’t that right?”
Wanda shut her eyes tightly, her moans and yelps being only partially-swallowed as she tried to keep them from escaping past her lips, though it become increasingly difficult as you began thrusting forward, trapping her between the kitchen counter and your hips and forcing her to withstand the entire impact of your brutal fucking.
“Th-That’s right…” she conceded.
“I know it is,” you agreed. “I know it is, because it’s fucking filthy. You’re a filthy slut, baby. You can hear it, can’t you?” You reached down to rub your fingers against your wife’s clit. “You can feel how much it turns you on that you’re all daddy’s, that daddy can fuck you whenever she wants because she owns you.”
Your forehead laid against her shoulder and Wanda reached up to cradle the back of your head with her hand, interlacing her fingers with your hair.
“That’s right. Fucking take it,” you grunted into her ear, feeling yourself growing closer each time Wanda’s walls squeezed around you, listening to her delicate high-pitched yelps every time you pinched her clit or thrusted into her so hard her ass stung with the way your skin slapped against hers. 
Her hips were beginning to become sore with the way they were pressed against the edge of the counter.
“Do any of you need help in there?” Virginia called from the dining room, audibly beginning to head down the hallway to the kitchen. 
“A-Ah, no!” Wanda called back, her attempts at repressing her moans making her response come out slightly more aggressive than she’d wished. “Please don’t! We’re almost finished. Just…” Her head hung as she quickly ran out of excuses, but she couldn’t bring herself to push you away — not when she was so, so close.
Not when you felt this good inside of her, holding her so close against you.
You felt so good with your arms around her.
You took a handful of Wanda’s ass as you shoved her further down against the counter so she was being soundlessly fucked from behind as her hair gradually became undone, her shirt riding up to expose that beautiful curve of her spine that you loved. 
“Wanda’s a bit of a perfectionist with decorating the cake,” you added, digging your nails into her malleable flesh and watching as smooth ivory tinted into a flushed red. “She wants it to be a surprise!”
“I promise we’re… we’re nearly finished!” Wanda called back, slightly breathless, before quickly burying her face into her arms and muffling herself.
Virginia gave in, saying something about having the both of you promise not to work too hard because both she and Vision would love the cake anyways. But neither of you paid much attention once you heard her walking back down to the dining room.
“You feel so good inside of me, daddy,” Wanda whimpered into her arms. “Please come inside. I want to feel you. I wanna feel how warm you are.”
Being degraded always turned Wanda on, but it was being praised that made her come; you loved how your wife was so sensitive to sweet things like that.
So you lifted her from the counter with your arm wrapped around her waist so her arms were taut with her hands gripping the edge of the counter again. From here, you were pressed against her with access to whisper into her ear.
“You’ve been so good for me, haven’t you, sweetheart?” you complimented against her cheek, pressing a kiss there and running your hand beneath the confines of her shirt. “All nervous and hesitant to let daddy make you feel good at first, but you knew better later, didn’t you? You know that I know what’s best for you, honey.”
Wanda nodded fervently. “Yes, I…”
Your hand pulled Wanda’s bra to the side and you kneaded her breast with your hand, feeling the way her nipple hardened against your palm before moving to the other and pinching her other nipple between your thumb and forefinger. “Oh, I know,” you cooed when she leaned back against you with a prolonged, quiet moan. “My princess, you’re such a good girl.”
“Why don’t you listen to what a good girl you are, hm?” you asked, moving both your hands down to grip her hips again and pulling her against you. You watched in detail as you pulled out of her, her glistening pussy wrapped around your cock, before you thrusted back in, your obedient wife taking every inch. 
Both of you listened to how her cunt sounded around your dick, her slick coating you as you throbbed inside of her, her tight walls squeezing you in just the right way, feeling the way the pressure from her walls gripped around your tip when you pulled out at just the right length.
“Fuck, baby, your pussy feels so good,” you groaned, leaning back so you could watch the way her ass looked when you rutted your hips against her. Unable to help yourself in spite of the noise you knew it might make, you delivered a spank to the side of Wanda’s ass. 
You then wrapped your arm around Wanda’s waist again, your other hand moving up to cup the side of her cheek and turn her head around so you could kiss her lips. “Come on, angel, fuck yourself on daddy’s cock. Let me see how badly you wanna come on my dick.”
Wanda obediently began moving, arching her back to allow herself leverage to fuck herself back against you, listening to how her ass slapped back against your hips.
“That’s good, baby. You’re so beautiful,” you breathed out against her neck, kissing the warm expanse as you listened to Wanda whimper and try to hold herself together until you gave her permission to come. Your hand groped her breast again. “You’re so needy for daddy’s cock, hm? You’re making such a fucking mess, Wanda.”
“Y/N…” Wanda whispered, her arm reaching back to grab at the edge of your shirt. “Please let me come. Please.” You kept your chest pressed against her upper back, allowing her to meet your eyes when she turned her head to plead.
“Come all over daddy’s cock, baby, come on,” you permitted. “I love to see you all desperate for me. Let me see you come, Wanda.”
Wanda ground her ass back against your hips, burying your cock deep within her pussy as she came around you, walls gripping at your twitching cock. You felt her pulsate around you as she grasped desperately behind her, searching for your hand. 
You interlaced your fingers with hers and kissed her lips as you came to your own hilt, emptying yourself inside of her and letting her feel your warm cum fill her up to the brim until you could feel yourself dripping out from the sides of her cunt.
Weakly, you continued thrusting into her, fucking your cum deep inside of her as Wanda whimpered, sensitive and still pulsing around you as she felt your sticky warmth shoot up inside of her. 
“Oh… I love when you come inside of me, Y/N,” she breathed out, satisfied and tired as she let go of your hand and used both to balance herself against the counter as she slumped forward.
You grinned at her and kissed the back of her neck as you pulled her underwear up first, giving her sensitive cunt a quick swipe through her panties, telling her to keep your cum in for as long as she could. Then you did her pants back up and did the same for yourself.
The rest of the cheesecake decorating went relatively fast after Wanda quickly cleaned herself up in her kitchen window reflection. 
Actually, neither of you had ever decorated a cheesecake so fast considering you decided to go a bit overboard with some whipped cream to make up for how long you both took — it would’ve made far more sense to come out with a more intricately decorated cake. It was a decently-sized cake, just enough for four people to enjoy, so it didn’t take as long as it would’ve if it were sized regularly.
“Oh, we were so worried you might’ve needed help with the dessert,” Virginia said the moment the both of you stepped into the dining room, Wanda with the cake in hand and you with the plates and silverware.
“We’re so sorry,” Wanda apologised. “One of us set the cake lopsided in the fridge and it came out a bit kooky, so we had to reshape it and all. And then the organising of the fruit and—” She waved her hand dismissively as she set the cake down. “Well, it’s all finished now.”
You set the plates down for everyone along with their respective knives and forks. “We hope you didn’t have to wait too long,” you told them apologetically.
Aside from how your initial impression as a couple spiked Virginia and Vision’s interest in wanting to sleep with both you and Wanda, the meal thus far must’ve paid off, for they really didn’t seem irritated at all after waiting for dessert. 
And they did end up enjoying the cake too.
Except for Wanda, however, who seemed to be rather distracted with something else. You watched as she kept readjusting herself in her seat, her thighs squeezing together every so often and taking sips of her wine just to fidget with the handle of the glass.
You were rather eager to fuck your wife in the bedroom too after dinner, but before that, to see how much of your cum had leaked out of her.
By the looks of it, she had failed to hold much of it in.
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enkvyu · 11 months
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two-faced — jjk smau
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in which gojo pisses off a famous streamer (you 🫵) for funsies and unleashes a legion of loyal fans who want him dragged, doxxed, or dead. fortunately for him, you have your own secrets that you’ll take to the grave, perfect for him to take advantage of. when the two of you meet, an unlikely love story for the ages blossoms aka a lighthearted smau abt gojo n the gang!!
pairings: gojo x f!reader
genres: social media au (smau), crack, fluff, strangers to enemies (?) to lovers
warnings: profanities, dark humour, sexual jokes, mentions of death and suicide, very stupid jokes don’t take anything too seriously!! ignore timestamps. will contain jokes / references from the manga !! you will be warned of spoilers on the posts that have them 🤍
this is my first smau so if it’s not funny i Apologise 😨 just for the shits n giggles !! upload schedule will probably be based on how well this is received 🤍 note all characters are in uni (ages 18-20)
unread notifications !
profiles one | profiles two
01: hit tweet this, hit tweet that, why don’t you hit the gym?
02: hot girls pay the government 2 b a citizen
03: nanami’s right titty tingle
04: What Ever Major Loser
05: let him in, LET HIM IN
06: it’s “save the turtles” until i drink boba with my hands
07: silence of the lambs
08: god giving me my greatest obstacle and it’s a man
09: would u still love me if i was a chip floating around in ur stomach?
10: deny that instead
11: twitching eyes and clenched fists
12: getou’s bang grease
13: spring loaded penis bomb
14: first date options and gojo picks spit boba (it works?!)
15: lactose intolerance, biggest killer since cancer
16: unknown mysterious reason unravelled
17: i wish i could have at least (1)
18: beautiful princess disorder
19: GOGOGOJO GONE !
20: tba
pinned accounts !
@whats-humanity-lol @vduxx @saltypuffin1040 @porridgesblog @justpuddinglol @sleezzsister @fadingpalacebonkpsychic @iluv-ace @realestalphamegathugd4ddy @invisible-mori @mimiqz @hyuckworld @wheredidmycrowngo @ericupid @satorukissr @rumi-rants @milza12 @nymphsdomain @thunderimpulse @waengyknow @err1vki3 @nerdiel-has-no-braincells @whatamidoing89 @aboveasphodel @doughnuts-eater @archer-fb @giannitaa @leathernourishingshoepolish @poisonnuggies @cotton-eee @postmancat @yoontaedotin @crushed-satellite-stars @polartrident @starsfilm @etsukis @bladeismine @the-fab-killjoy @a3th3rrr @alatuskaleidos @emii4evr @trcomedump @usermins @ancientimes @aelynaneedsalottathing @jaynawayna @milceslv @lvryeager @sukisprettyface @kissezfornamjoon @satoryaa
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( being added to the taglist means you will be tagged at every new release ! ask 2 be added / removed 🤍 )
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Trick Or Treat
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Request from Wattpad-
Pairing: Wanda X G!p Reader 18+
Set in Ep6 of Wanda Vision, could you do reader getting turned on by Wanda's Halloween outfit and leaving to sort themselves out with Wanda coming to 'help' (1.4k words)
Warnings/Tags: 18+ Smut MDNI, Girl Penis Reader, Hand jobs, Blow jobs, Orgasm delay/Denial, Masturbation, Caught, Dom/sub undertones.
---
Reluctantly walking down the stairs, you let out a huff as you entered the living room, the boys giggling at your ridiculous outfit. Dressed in a tight green spandex shirt with a yellow diamond at your chest, green leggings under vibrant yellow shorts and a matching cape chosen by your lovely wife, had you questioning many things, complaints on the tip of your tongue until your mouth parted at the sight of her.
Wanda walked over to you, nose scrunched and a smile playing on her lips while she was dressed in a stunning outfit. She wore pink leggings that showed off her long slender legs and the curve of her hips, a tight red corset that slightly pushed her breasts up, her red scarlet witch crown and a matching cape that fell to the ground. You were speechless as she stopped in front of you, a perfect view of her chest as you looked down at her. Her hands ran across your waist, the touch along with her outfit causing a spike of arousal to shoot down you, the spandex feeling even tighter at a certain area.
“Thank you for humouring me and wearing this ridiculous get-up, Detka,” she murmurs softly, eyes raking over your body making you let out a shaky breath. Her fingers dragged across your abdomen through the green spandex, her nail scratching slightly making your untimely arousal even worse. You absolutely lost it when she peered up at you, lip caught between her teeth with a smile.
“No problem love,” you sighed out, needing to find somewhere to get rid of the little, well the big problem that was growing in size. “I’m just going to go to the bathroom,” you quickly excuse, making your way through your house till you were in the ensuite bathroom you and Wanda shared.
“Fuck,” you groan when you pulled your cock out, your length hard and aching at the sinful costume your wife was wearing. You knew you had to be quick and swiftly spit on your hand before rubbing up and down your length, a sigh leaving you at the pleasurable feeling shooting through you.
You imagined Wanda’s hand wrapped around you, her mouth crashing against yours as she jerked you off expertly, her fingertips teasing your tip before running down to the base of your cock, her other hand cupping your balls and squeezing gently. You moved your hand to her core, circling her clit through her outfit while your mouth descended down her neck, kissing the top of her exposed breasts and desperately wanting to tear the item off her.
“Oh god,” you moan quietly, one hand frantically sliding up and down you while the other grips onto the countertop nearby to support you. Your mind flashes through sinful scenarios with your wife, imagining her on her knees for you, bent over the countertop as you pounded into her from behind and even you on your knees for her, fingers tangled in your hair as she tugged you where she wanted you.
“Trick or Treat, Detka,” she rasps out at the shell of your ear, teeth nibbling on it gently while your body jumps at her sudden presence. You relaxed when her hand replaced yours, firmly gripping you and teasingly moving up and down you at a torturous pace. You lean back against her body, groaning at the way her fingers glide around your tip, smearing the small bit of precum that’s leaked out of you before sliding down to the base.
“Trick,” you jokingly sigh out, moaning at the way she kissed the back of your neck, a breathy moan escaping her at the way you twitched in her hand. You missed the way Wanda smirked behind you, unaware completely of the mischievous glint in her eyes as her hand relentlessly jerked you off.
“Oh Detka,” she husked out lowly before she made you turn around, pushing you until your back hit the countertop and swiftly dropped to her knees. “Do you like my costume?” she innocently asks, peering up at you as her mouth ghosted you, her hand moving to cup your balls as her tongue teasingly swiped over your tip, moaning at the taste of you.
“Fuck, love,” you groan when she takes you briefly into her mouth, your hips bucking at the action. “I love it, it’s so hot, you look beautiful,” she smirks at your affected tone, licking up your cock and spitting on it to make it easier for her.
Wanda’s lips then wrap around you, taking you down her throat as far as she can before bobbing her head up and down your length. You groan at the warm and wet feeling of her mouth, pleasure clouding your mind as you look down at her. She pulls back, panting for breath while she licks her lips, her eyes darkening as she sees your head loll back when she kisses the tip.
“Wanda,” you moan out when she takes you down her throat again, moaning around you making your hips buck, cock going even deeper down her causing her to gag a little. Your hands grip the countertop as she hollows her cheeks around you, not wanting to thread your fingers through her hair and mess up the hairstyle she spent ages doing.
A guttural noise escaped you when she moves to just suck on your tip, her tongue running over the sensitive head while her fingers moved to hold your hips still, not letting you fuck her face this time. “I’m so close,” you groan out, Wanda looking up at you to see the desperate look in your eyes.
Wanda waits until she can practically feel you throbbing and twitching in her mouth, pulling away just before you could crash head first into your orgasm and leaving you to pathetically buck your hips in the air as she returns to her feet. You whimper into her mouth when she keeps your hands trapped on the countertop, not letting you finish yourself off.
“You asked for trick Detka,” she rasps out against your lips, you panting as your orgasm is gradually taken away from you. “If you want the treat later, you’ll be a good girl and not come until then, do you understand?”
“Please Wanda,” you beg, desperate to feel your release as she still keeps you pinned.
“I asked if you understood,” her tone dropping an octave, one hand moving to teasingly run down your length one last time, your hips stuttering as you twitch in the air. You ignore her words once again, looking at her with a pathetic gaze.
“Please just let me come now,” her hand wraps around you once again, jerking you off firmly to have you moaning into her mouth as she tries to quieten you. You practically thrust your hips into her hand as she loosens her grip to let you, teetering on the edge of your orgasm once again until she stops again, a frustrated groan leaving you.
“Are you going to listen to me now Dekta?” her tone condescending as she tilts your head to look at her, “If you want to come tonight, you won’t touch yourself until I say so. Do you understand?”
“Yes,” you sigh out, “I understand,” body trembling from being denied twice now.
“Good girl,” she whispers against your lips, kissing you softly and letting your hands go, them immediately wrapping around her waist and pulling her close for an embrace. Her lips place a gentle kiss to your cheek, her mouth opening to say something else but the sound of the twins interrupts her.
“Mom!” Tommy shouts from outside your bedroom door, knowing he’s not allowed to just walk in, “Can we go trick or treating now?” Wanda chuckles against your hair at the impatient tone of one of your sons, pressing another soft kiss to your face.
“Yes, I’ll be out in a second Tommy,” she calls back, cupping your jaw and murmuring softly, “I’ll let you calm down for a bit,” she looks down to your still hard and aching cock. “Meet us at the town centre,” you nod at her words, watching as she quickly fixes her appearance in the mirror of the bathroom before starting to walk out, pausing at the door frame and giving you a smirk before leaving you, frustrated and desperate for her. 
---
I hope you enjoyed :)
Masterlist
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darlingofvalyria · 10 months
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❝I am not a Valyrian Sex God.❞
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part 03 | pucker up, buttercup
chapter summary:
[ The line of friendship dances in uncertain waters when you and Aemond play the fake dating game a little too well. Helaena reveals much more than meets the eye to Aegon, and vice versa. Oh, and Alys. Hi Alys! ]
[ 5,399 ] [ series masterlist ] | best friend's brother!aemond targaryen x f!reader, ft. cregan stark x f!reader & aemond targaryen x alys rivers,
contains— mostly fluff, a wee bit angsty, a little smutty - profanity, i swear a lot sorry too shhshs - no use of y/n - no gods, no kings, no betas.
a/n— thank you so much for the love this little fic is getting so far!! it truly warms my heart that you people enjoy my twisty, crackpot humour and my version of a modern au for these characters!! as much as i am grateful for george for making these characters and these stories, i have to say what propelled me to write is the beautiful community i found. truly, from the bottom of my heart. ❥ fandom is built on community. i would not have had the courage to start writing fanfiction again if not for ya'll. so thank you so much. for the consumers and the creators. you, us, are the beating heart of fandom. please take care of each other. + comment, reblog & like at will, mwa ♡
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"Please tell me I haven't inhaled so much drugs in my system that I am hallucinating our— and I say this with a lot love, okay you know what? No. Our Nasty Little Bitch of A Grudge Holder we call, lovingly, a brother, is not dating the hottest friend you have? Hel? The hottest friend you told me if I ever came anywhere near, you'd rip me a new asshole? How is Aemond's asshole still intact?? Or does our brother just have a gaping fun-house slide down there? Hello? Hellooo, pay attention to meee. This is so rude, why didn't I call Daeron?"
"Because Daeron knows nothing and I know everything?" Hel snorts, finishing up re-naming Aemond's contact from CURRENT DUMB BRO to NASTY LITTLE BITCH OF A GRUDGE HOLDER, before turning to Aegon on her laptop.
Like she predicted, Aegon is already pouting, leaning back on what Helaena remembers is their grandfather's rum-coloured leather office chair. In his office. In Oldtown.
After a quick stint in Ibiza, it seems Helaena's brother had found himself back in the country, and worse— back in their grandfather's office. Without him in it.
"Grandpa's going to kill you." Helaena snorts. "How'd you even get inside his house?"
"This is not the first time I have been faced with a locked door, baby sister."
"You broke a window didn't you?"
"I really, really had to piss."
She rolls her eyes. Hard. "You are a boy. You can literally just pee anywhere."
Aegon flutters a gasp and a hand over his chest. "Excuse me? I may have a penis, but that does not mean I have to be uncouth. For shame, Helaena. Also disgusting. But that's not why I called." He steeples his fingers as he leans forward, pressing his elbows against the nice mahogany desk. "What the fuck is happening over there? I'll be there by tomorrow and I'd like to know what the fuck is happening before I start—" he wiggles his eyebrows salaciously, " — shaking things up."
A dark look crosses Helaena's usually amiable pretty face that has Aegon leaning back. "If you do anything— and I mean anything — to ruin what I have going on, Mother may help you for I certainly won't. The Stranger will look like an old friend, Egg, don't you fucking dare."
"What the fuck," Aegon exhales, wide-eyed and horrified. "Have you been watching M. Night Shyamalan movies again?"
"No," she lies. "I'm doing this for my OTP."
 "Oh my god, you're the one who roped them together?" Aegon strangles a sigh. "Lae-lae, we've talked about this. No matter how much you think they're cute, Aemond—"
"— Aemond and Alys broke up."
"Then they'll be together again before the weekend's out." Aegon rolls his eyes. "It's Aemond."
"Not like this." Hel shakes her head. "I got her to agree, Egg. And they're like... Gods, the pictures don't do them justice. They're magnetic. They make plans at the apartment, Aemond is there all the time— my OTP is happening."
"You are playing god between two people you care about."
"What else am I supposed to do?! They're obviously so hot for each other, and now that Alys is out of the picture, and she's there, right in front of him, Egg, you should see how it is between them. The energy. It's crackling. They have inside jokes, they're so comfortable with each other, and I will have the most beautiful nephew and niece—"
"—Helaena Targaryen," Aegon admonishes with finality. Hel quiets. Often times, the siblings forget Aegon is quintessentially the oldest sibling. They had never been close to their father's actual firstborn— the age gap is wide and there's just... too much complicated family fissures in between that it feels awkward, even when they're relationship is okay, to interact or consider Rhaenyra anything past a cousin you see every other holiday because you have to, much less now that their father's dead — so Aegon is their big brother.
And though they see it in bits, in flung comet pieces that you see preciously once every few hundred years— the vibe of big brother grasps the edges and reminds the younger siblings.
Sure, he's a dick. Sure, he's a whore. Sure, he's their mother's least and most favourite headache— but Aegon is their big brother.
"You cannot play puppeteer like this. This can blow up in their faces. And they care for each other. Their friends. If this blows up in their faces, it is going to hurt."
"I know that," Helaena says quietly, pout pinched but face mostly cleared. "You don't think I don't know?"
"I think you've already outweighed your chances and your choosing a possibility."
Helaena looks truly scolded at that point, and it juts a guilt down Aegon's stomach. But Aegon likes you. Maybe not like in the way that his brother likes you— in that intense, possessive way he gets with people and things he care about because there are so few of them — but he likes you. And he loves Aemond on a bad day, and likes him on a good one.
And Aegon knows, as a superior power about crashing and burning, that this is going to hurt both of you in ways that he truly doesn't think Helaena understands.
Because he isn't blind (as his brother) (bad joke?) (probably) to what he sees in Aemond's gaze when it looks at you. Sure it's possessive, sure it's the same way he looks at most people he keeps close to his heart.
But he was the one who saw how Aemond looked at you before Alys came into the picture. Before it morphed into nothing but platonic; morphed close to how he looks at Helaena. In that soft, I'm So Glad This Person Exists I Would Kill Literally Everyone For Them.
Aegon always thought he looked at you like he wanted to devour you. Etch you into his skin until your shape is in red marks across white plane. He looked at you like I Would Kill Myself If You Asked.
It was the possibility of devotion dipped in insanity. Aemond had so few things, much less people, who so vocally, physically, and emotionally cared for him without addendums.
The only real reason he never did anything before was because you were Helaena's best friend. Helaena loved you. And he couldn't destroy that alongside the fact that you might leave his side.
And then Alys happened and that focal point moved.
Aegon knew his brother. Not as intensely, and maybe that's the reason he could see it. To see clearly past the intensity and recognise its edges. Aegon knew his brother in his marrow.
"When this crashes and burns—"
"If!" Helaena quips stubbornly. "If it crashes and burns. Come home. You'll see, Egg. Aemond just needs to see."
"And what if she doesn't reciprocate, Lae-lae? She's not hard to love, and this is Aemond." Even Helaena knows his feelings, once taken root in whatever form, can blossom.
Helaena smiles softly. "Come home. You'll see. I can see it. I've seen it. The possibility of them, and it's so pretty, Egg."
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It's really not all that pretty, fake dating.
Maybe it could be, but Aemond Targaryen is such an ass.
"This is not like The Devil Wears Prada fashion montage," you grumble, pinching off the big, 60s, yellow sunglasses off your nose to glare pointedly at the man sat on lounge chair. "All the zippers and tugging— this is not as pretty! And I look ridiculous! I don't wear dresses like these, Aemy!"
"You don't look ridiculous, you look like my girlfriend." He makes his emphasis with an inch raised eyebrow and pouty lips twitching not to laugh. "That's the point, is it not?"
You make a drawl huff. It's not just that his words were right— that's what the past hour has been, roaming around all these big named fashion brands where the staff just knows Aemond Targaryen, if not just by him sauntering in with all the swagger of an asshole you'd walk the other side of the street to ignore, then by the flash of his black card (or three, 'cause what the fuck is money to Targaryens holy shit) — but the way he's sitting as he appraises every look he's chosen for you.
He's lax, as could be in his usually perfect posture, with his hips in the middle, and one leg braced down whilst the other is raised to his other thigh. A confident man's sitting position, with an arm over the length of the sofa, balancing a champagne a trying-to-suppress-her-giddiness staff gave him.
At your disapproved glare— down on your nose at him because you're standing over him, lording over him, as he's sitting down — and he's smirking up at you. As if the power dynamics don't shift by whoever is looming over the other.
Aemond doesn't need to stand to make you feel all fluttery with a smirk and a strong gaze against your body. His eyes gaze from the bottom of your heeled toes, slow, slow, slow, until it reached the top of your head.
Surely you've only imagined his gaze lingering on certain parts of you that now felt hot and tingly.
Surely.
"Plus," he continues with a hum. A sip of champagne. "Isn't this your idea?"
"Yes, but—"
"Didn't you tell me that I should prepare the kind of outfits that Aemond Targaryen's girlfriend would wear—"
 "Yes, but I—"
He leans forward, taking pleasure in arguing with you, as he settles his elbows on his knees, pressing both of his feet flat on the tile. He's looking up, still, but his eyes are intense and the corner of his mouth is twitching from a grin he's trying to fight.
"And even when I told you that didn't matter, that whatever you wore would be fine, you insisted?"
"Because I thought it'd be fun!" you growl and he falls in faint, amused laughter. His eye is sparkling and there's a joy to him that makes you giddy. You truly have missed Aemond as you know him. "Because I wanted a fun dress-up montage, but nothing about this is fun! Why are you choosing so many goddamned zippers, and they're all so fucking tight?"
You plop beside him, stealing his champagne. Staff look away, trying not to ogle too much between you two. As you take sips of his drink, his hand, still over the sofa's arm, begin drawing idle circles on your exposed shoulders. It warms you and calms you down, melting further in the seat beside him.
"I liked the dresses," he finally murmurs. "The ones before this. The flowy fabric ones."
"Those are summer dresses," you say though don't know why.
"Hm," he hums. "You look pretty in them."
You look up at him and he's looking at you, a small smile on his face. The proximity is too near to be proper but not near enough if you're fake dating. You study his silver lashes and the scarred flesh.
"Thanks."
"We'll get them. Is that alright with you?"
You snort softly. "You're paying, Aemy. You can do whatever you want. Can't believe this is how your dates with Alys usually went."
Hatching plans meant unloading information about his former relationship with her. Going through their relationship so you could understand it better, better proportioned the good and the bad, and secretly, make him see the red flags that should jump out in clear, plastic red.
"Not at first." He's looking away now, but his finger is still drawing circles. There's a wistful tone to his voice, like seeing through a dream and a memory. "But when it got... bad, it seemed like the only time we weren't fighting was when we were in public. Almost subconsciously, whenever things got tensed, I'd offer to take us out. Do anything outside of our bubble. Money isn't an issue, and before Alys said she felt like a... cheap whore than a girlfriend, buying things for her, spending time looking through things to wear, to match almost, was safe."
"Gift Giving," you mutter with a nod. He turns.
"What was that?"
"A love language." He cocks his head. You sigh. "I mean it's stupid and not really theoretically accurate, but for fun, there's five types of love languages. People do this test thing and sort of box up the kind of love language you want to receive and what you give— but truly, in my opinion, a true kind of love demands all five for it to work."
He hums, intrigued. "And what are the five?"
"Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Gift Giving. But, you know, all of those should be given by a partner, in increments they can do for you. There shouldn't be a boxed fixture of what your relationship could be."
You shrug, standing up and stretching. You don't see him looking at you in the way that he has been for the past few days, and he doesn't know the tingles and feelings you keep between a smile and a sigh.
"Love looks different for everyone but it should have the same concept."
"And what concept is that?"
You turn to him, smiling. "That if you truly love someone, you can try anything. Love doesn't demand things that you do for the simple reason that you love the person enough."
"Love can be complicated," he says, and he's not arguing, not really. He isn't begging for you to understand. He is simply saying.
"Love can," you agree. "As most things are complicated. But it doesn't have to hurt."
It's a boundary line, the way he blinks, remembering why you're here together, why he gets to touch you in intimate ways, why he gets to pay for clothes, why you spend this time with him. A jolt. A shock.
You don't press and he doesn't retreat. The line exists not just to remind, but to stabilise any projections. Any dangerous tones.
You simply smile, nodding at the time. "Dinner date, babycakes. We can't be late for reservations."
"We can be late for a few minutes," he says, remembering echoes of how Alys sometimes got late. It isn't really her fault; there are days when she's too busy at the law firm, too busy with a meeting or two, or still finishing up her makeup because she doesn't like going to dinner in her work clothes.
"Sure, but we're here together and I know how much you hate being late." You snort.
"I don't hate it."
"Sure, but you got that eye twitch you do when you're annoyed," you tease, tapping your own eye before you wink at him and skip away.
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For the past few days since the bar incident, by your suggestion, you and Aemond had pour out the intricacies of how Aemond and Alys' relationship worked whilst hiding your true intention of making him see its faults and corners, and at the same time, continue on with the charade of dating him.
It's been a packed week or so, going to your shifts at the bar, meeting with Cregan once and a while (boy had been busy, and he found the entire thing with Aemond incredibly hilarious).
You answered no question mark in regards on who the hand was, only sent a winky face or a kiss blowing emoji. You continue to post minute representations of your no-longer-single status in brief intervals, making sure that you never name him. You never publicly give him a recognisable body.
But for those that knew, knew.
It really wasn't that hard. There were only so much pale, toned hands, so much body builds you can hide with your hand covering his general face that you can hide without people making smart guesses. There wasn't a lot of pale, toned people around you after all.
But in your refusal to name him, the question continues, and so does Alys silent observation of every post. The only story she had liked had been the very first one.
You often wonder what she thinks, before your mind is devoured once again with everything else.
To be fair, as often as you had both been seeing each other lately— and it has been the most often you have been seeing of him — there were still things outside of Aemond and Helaena plans. And Aemond still had UNI to focus on.
"You know, I often forget you're still in university," you say now, comfortably warm in Aemond's car. All fresh leather seat and crisp new car smell despite knowing that Aemond's had this unit now for at least a year. He maybe rich, but he knew what he liked and took care of them.
He shoots you a quizzical look before looking back at the road. The city is bathed in a gorgeous stream of oranges and pinks, tie-dying glass buildings and bustle of city roads. When you look at him, you smile softly at how pretty the light hits him.
"Why is that? Do I look that young?"
"Your vibe is so old man on a nine to three, cigar breaks by four, and whiskey sours by seven pm."
He makes a disgruntled sound at the back of his throat. You laugh. "I would like to think it's my altruistic classicism. A timeless endeavour."
"Sure, old man," you tease then sigh. "Reality is, I'm so much older than you. I'm hanging out with a child. On my free day. Is this what it means to reach low status?"
"I am not a child." His reply is sharp, cutting, almost offended.
"You're in college."
"And of legal age? You're only four years older."
"Oh, right."
"What?"
You smirk at his dark look. "You like 'em way older."
His face, much like his gaze, heats up. You're imaging it when the ride turns red, the car slows to a stop, and he is looking at your lips. Surely it was, because you got transfixed with the way his tongue darts out to wet his lips. A slow, tantalising movement.
It feels like an eternity stretched within three seconds. The light turns green and both of you turn away.
Well, there's been that. A few times. But it doesn't mean anything. Aemond is in that transition of trying to rid himself of bad habits, of being freshly single once again, and you know he and Alys get in on frequently. This had been a conversation a few days back, on a couch, smell of grease and pizza around the room while Murder She Wrote played in the background.
"Wait, wait, wait." You sat up, folding your legs underneath your butt, and giving Aemond your full attention with a little 'o' in your mouth.
"Wait!" Helaena calls playfully from her sway to the bathroom. "Imma pee!"
"Take care, my beloved!" you call back, before turning to Aemond with a big, Cheshire grin.
"Can we not dwell on it?" He's flustered but is trying not to show it, looking back to the TV as if he understood why there's a body on the plane.
But wine has been had, spilled and shared, and it's enough for you to grab that fluster and the topic, and smirked.
"No, no, we will talk about it. We shall! We must! Do you mean to tell me that by the end of it, most of the time, you two were just boning? Is Aemy, one of my favourite people in the world, a Valyrian Sex God?? Oh my god??"
"I am not a Valyrian Sex God."
"Okay, girly pop, please." You raised a hand in a 'talk to the hand' motion and he was smiling at you, entranced and frustrated. "Women talk, Aemy!"
There was a flush and Helaena came back. Wine did things to Helaena, and she was stumbling and giggling as she flopped behind you, turning around and encasing you in a koala hug.
"Women talk, baby bro." Helaena nodded sagely. "Even I try not to listen, they talk, alas."
"And Alys has said those hips—"  You pointed a j'accuse finger at his hips, then his mouth. "—and that tongue has done things that can make the Maiden blush."
Helaena groaned behind you're back, a slew of 'ew's escaping her mouth. And you were still being playful, teasing, but Aemond was looking at you, though scarlet, with a deepened expression.
And at that moment, both of you were thinking the same thing.
His chin brushing your thighs, your sighs like music to his ears, and his tongue making you scream.
Warmth pooled, twin expressions share a gaze. Hunger, desire, shame.
The connection was destroyed when Helaena abruptly jolted and fell down the carpet. Because she was holding onto you, you got pulled with her.
"Are you okay??" Aemond asked.
Hel gasped. "I thought I saw Bobby. I think I squished Bobby."
You shook your head. "You didn't. Bobby is spry. Bobby knows to move away."
Aemond's confused face peered down at both of you. "Who's Bobby?"
"The local spider that lives here."
"Of course." And he smiled.
You smiled back.
Helaena giggled beside you but when you ask her, she only shook her head.
And the silence that lulls in the car is like both of you reaching the very same memory and having to sit through the stifle of that drunken interaction about his sex life. He coughs, you let out a breathy giggle.
"I should admit something," he says, parking the car in front of the restaurant. Dusk is settling, sunset in bright red and orange turning to a cool blue and pretty lavender— and when you turn to him after getting out of the car, coddling your jacket close to your body, he looks nervy. Apologetic, almost.
"What? What'd you do?"
He bites his bottom lip. "I know something about this restaurant."
"I would assume. You chose it." Your eyes narrow, giving the black-out floor to ceiling windows a look. The Painted Table is lit up in a scrawled font on top of it.
You step inside, not bothering to turn to his call of your name, and is submerged by the restaurant's vibe. It's a darkened place with meaningful lighting but a casual air, a bar on the side, and an upbeat jazzy music dancing in the air — it looks good. The place smelled delicious.
Nothing about it sparked familiarity to you, but the anticipation from that look of guilt on his face brought you to a high-strung, so when he calls your name again, just behind you, you turn.
"Is this where you had your first date with Alys?"
He shakes his head. "No. No, but—"
"Aemond?"
The voice is familiar, and you don't stop enough to think before you're turning to the low, clear voice that's just a hint of husky, and Alys' green eyes go wide at your appearance.
She's dressed nice, dressed to go out in a black dress dipping low and fabric tangled around her body to show off her curves. Her inky hair was swept to one side and her mouth was bloodred.
Alys Rivers, owner of Aemond's firsts. The woman he seemingly can't let go off.
You smile. It feels fake. "Oh. Hi Alys."
Her shock staves off into a genuine smile that makes you guilty. "Hi, my love. I see you two are together. Always attached at the hip. Dinner?"
Before you nod— or maybe strangle Aemond — he comes forward, taking your hand in the process and lacing it. He's looking at her as if he's setting a challenge when Alys' eyes fall on your intertwined hands.
"Yes," he says. "We are."
"Well... that's good. This place is great. I—" Someone calls her name, she turns back. You shoot Aemond a withering glare you hope conveys how much you're going to beat his ass after this. She turns back, smiling still. There's a pinch between her eyes but it's gone by the third blink. "Well, I have to go. I'll see you both soon, okay?" She turns to you, stepping forward, not minding the Targaryen beside you. "Especially you. We haven't hung out in a while."
"That's true, I've missed you, you crazy witch." And she laughs and you smile, because you genuinely consider Alys to be one of your friends. Not maybe as deeply as Helaena's, or as close, but Alys was an amazing person and you enjoy her company.
Plus, right now the one you're angry about it solely the man holding your hand.
Alys turns to Aemond, and he stiffens. Between them is a complicated look. So many things unsaid, before her smirk softens. "It's nice to see you too, Aemond."
And she turns away, walking back to her table, to her date, when you tug him with you to the bar. As you order a dry martini, he speaks. Calm and soft.
"You're mad at me."
"You knew she was going to be here." You turn to him, arching an eyebrow, hating the way your chest pangs. "You stalked her and brought us here because you wanted to use me."
He shifts, face crumples at the word 'use' and calls your name in a plead. "It's not like that."
You snort, taking a sip of your drink when it arrives. "Don't lie."
"Okay. Yes, I did. I... I made an impulsive decision because I wanted to see how she could go on a date as if we were nothing." Bitterness cripples his words, the smirk on his lips is ironic and darkened in hurt. Your heart hurts for him, but you can't give him a pass just like that. He hurt you too.
"You could've told me."
He raises an eyebrow. "You would be okay with this?"
Your own smile is ironic and darkened by hurt. "You're already using me, Aemy. That was the deal I agreed, for Hel. It would at least lick the wound to have been in the know, and not, you know, got shot in the face with it."
At the first part of your tirade, he looked like he wanted to argue with the using part, but the realisation weighs him because it is true. To him, he is using you. And it's a cheap shot on your part because you were also doing this for him, out of your own free will.
You sigh when he turns away, guilt dipping low.
"You're such a dumbass."
He hums in agreement.
You're aware of a gaze from the tables, somewhere in the ocean of jazz music and chatter, Alys is looking, and you kinda wanna make this good for him. You were already here after all.
Your hand reaches his jaw, sliding across his neck until you reach his nape and fingers tangle with the baby hairs there. His hair had been wrapped into a bun. Sleek and fluffy.
He turns to you, to your touch, in shock. "What are you—"
"Try not to look so surprised," you whisper, stepping close to him until your noses are bumping. "We're supposed to be dating."
And then you slant your mouth against his.
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TAGGED: @fan-goddess @snh96 @valeskafics @opheliaas-stuff @tempo-rary-fix @fantasticpeaceharmony @diannnnsss @iamavailablesstuff @spinachtz @at-a-rax-ia @bespinnn @tsujifreya @moonlightfoxx @kemillyfreitas @joyouart @bananzaa @honey-on-mars @alexa4040 @cinnamonbambii @wintrr13 @wxb-slingrr @astroswift @queenofshinigamis @helaenaluvr @kaetastic @jxdegodfrey @laniii-on-your-left @watercolorskyy @snowprincesa1 @gemini-mama
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wqnwoos · 10 months
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“that one looks like a penis,” you say conversationally.
minghao casts you one, long look from his side of the blanket. “is this not supposed to be romantic?” he questions you, with a suppressed smile playing on his lips.
“yeah, but like. look at it!” you point upward, towards the clouds and fixating on one in particular, that to your gifted, artistic eye, looks a lot like… male genitalia.
your boyfriend bites down on his lip and shakes his head. “what about that one?” he points, changing the subject, because actually he sees where you’re coming from, and he doesn’t want to dwell on it. “it looks like an elephant.”
you gasp, following his finger. “where? i love elephants!”
“there.”
“are you making it up, hao? i can’t see it.”
“it’s right there!”
“where?”
minghao sighs, clicks his tongue, and tugs you carefully so you’re half on top of his chest, with the side of his face pressed to your cheek. “there,” he repeats, softer, as though he hasn’t pulled one of the smoothest moves in the book.
“ohhh.” you look at it, and then sigh disappointedly. “it looks more like a… a camera.”
there’s a short pause. “i’m starting to worry about your eyesight,” he says finally. “look at it! there’s the trunk, and the ears, and — ”
you look at him sideways, as he traces his elephant in the clouds, suddenly struck by how pretty he is — how lucky you are. “okay,” you agree quickly, when you realise he’s waiting for a response. “it’s an elephant.”
your boyfriend sends you a long look. “i can tell that you’re just humouring me.”
“i am,” you admit, unashamedly. “but you love me anyway, right?”
“are you fishing for confessions?”
“it doesn’t hurt to hear it!”
minghao sighs, and gives in as he always does, but he pinches your nose when he says it. “yes, baby. i love you anyway.”
“even if i see penises in the clouds?”
a longer, deeper sigh. “even if you see penises in the clouds.”
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an / if u saw the jeonghan drabble i posted like ten mins ago and deleted. no u didn’t. here’s a minghao drabble instead. prompt from here bc writer’s block is insane
taglist: @n4mj00nvq @eoieopda @som1ig @glowunderthemoon @wondering-out-loud @graybaeismytae @hannyoontify @sahazzy @dokyeomin @icyminghao @smilehui @nicholasluvbot
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ghostflowerhotpotch · 3 months
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You know? If you think about it, slang and memes are probably different across the multiverse.
Have you see it how adults complain not understanding what teens said these days? Well now is the entire Spider-Society because despite the (probably) great population of teens the vastness of the multiverse makes for jokes and memes to transfer.
Pavitr literally needs to not only translate memes, he basically needs to do an entire background explanation to almost anyone. Perhaps with other spiders he defaults to jokes about "Fuck England" because people being angry at England seems to appear to be a very common thing across the multiverse.
Because the closeness on time periods, Peni and Margo constantly sent each other memes in "4D" technology. Miles saw one and stared at the wall for 20 minutes trying to understand what the hell he just saw.
Hobbie uses cockney slang which already means he will probably need to explain himself a lot, but if is true that he is from 70s (I don't remember if this was someone's hc or a theory) a lot of his jokes are mostly local to his area already because there is no internet, probably less if his universe is anything close to the dystopian hellscapse it is in the comics.
Noir would deadass, need multiple lingo dictionaries because being from the 40s definitely means he needs A LOT of explanations to most of anything.
Miles was a bit disappointed when he tried to show a meme to Gwen and she didn't get it, but after realizing how he barely understand memes from his other spidey friends, he felt a lot better to realize in general the sense of humour between their universes is pretty similar.
Technically Peter counts on that front as well, but he insists he doesn't understand teenage these days and lets these two to it; mostly just to let the lovebirds alone.
Miles and Gwen argue their universes are the only ones where the sense of humour is not broken and have the "Good memes alliance" which everybody else calls "they are having non-dates that they call association meetings because they are impossible."
These entire debacle started with someone saying "YEEEET" "Bro that meme is like 2 years ago" "2? Try 6" "The fuck are you talking about? That was part of my media class on memes" "DUDE YOU ARE SUPPOSE TO SAY 'YEEEZ'" And the rest is history.
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hotteoki · 7 months
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womp womp (c.s.b.)
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pairing: soobin x reader (one use of 'her')
genre: one shot smau, fluff, crack, humour
cw: language, kys as a joke, jongho draws a penis on your cup
notes: hello lightbulb anon!! ik this isn't exactly what you requested nor is it super accurate to the plot you were looking for but i've been in such a non-writing mood i'm sawry 😞 hope it's still enjoyable tho!!
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networks - @kflixnet k-labels @kbookshelf neverendingdreams-net straykidsland @k-films pirateeznet
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ureksbaby · 5 months
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little things
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summary : gojo loves the little moments with you
w.c : 934
type : short fic
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gojo comes home to the smell of your cooking. it’s one of the few consistent things about the chaos of his life. while the smell may be different each day, it reminds him of his hunger; it brings a comfort in knowing that you were prepared for that.
he kicks off his shoes and hangs his jacket up on the hooks that you had insisted on putting on the wall by the door. they’re a little crooked, you had put them up yourself, and despite him telling you that the two of you have no need for them, he uses them every single day. whether that’s because you were right or because he chooses to humour you is constantly up for debate between the two of you.
he walks down the hallway to the kitchen, unsurprised to see you at the stove, sporting the ‘will cook for sex’ apron he had bought you for christmas one year. you had squealed and told him that he was so crude. still, you were wearing it every time he walked through the door. you tell him it’s only because you don’t want to get your clothes dirty and that you have no other aprons. he knows that you keep your plain, less ‘crude’ aprons at the back of the cupboard under the stairs for when your family visit.
he watches you for a few moments, as you quietly hum his favourite song. you’re no good of a singer, but he loves to hear it anyway.
“smells amazing my smoochums.” he sings from the doorway, making you jump. you swirl on your toes, turning to face him with a beaming smile on your face, completely unfazed at this point by the cringy nicknames he tries to give you,
“ah, satoru! you’re home.” you cheer, putting down your tongs and crossing the expansive kitchen to kiss him on the cheek. your lipgloss always sticks to his skin, but he waits for you to turn back to your cooking before wiping it off with the back of his hand. he follows you back to the stove, wrapping his arms around your waist as you cook.
he knows it’s probably no help having him cling to you while you’re trying to work, but you never complain,
“how was your day?” you ask him, stirring the broth in the pot with a practiced hand. he shrugs,
“it was fine: nothing too crazy. although… the first years ruined my shirt.” he tells you. you titter,
“i hope you didn’t ask for them to pay for it.” you muse and he squawks
“why shouldn’t they? they spilt coffee on my lovely new shirt!” he laments, pretending to cry into your shoulder. you reach around and pat his head pityingly
“we’ll try and get it dry-cleaned. and if that doesn’t work, i’ll buy you a new one.” you say sweetly. he laughs,
“and with what money are you going to do that with?” he asks teasingly. you flick his forehead
“yours, of course.” you joke, grin ever-present on your face, “but you’ll have the privilege of having a shirt picked out by me. it’ll be even better than the one that got coffee-d.”
he whines,
“are you insulting my fashion sense?”
you raise an eyebrow, gesturing to the apron you were wearing,
“yes.” you say simply, but he knows it’s in jest. removing his arms from your waist, you wave him away, “now go sit down! dinner’s almost ready.”
he does as he’s told, sitting down at the table in his usual spot, sat in front of the pink placemat that simply read ‘sugartits’. bringing over the food, you place his in front of him and sit down opposite him at your own ‘massive penis’ placemat. evidently, it’s meant to be the other way around, but you had set them out wrong one time, and the two of you had found it so funny that it became tradition.
“thanks, i’m starving.” gojo comments, before digging in. there was never any need to hesitate when it came to your cooking.
you tell him about your day over dinner, as you always do and he listens. you tell him about all the little things you got up to, acting out stories. you inadvertently slow down your eating as you talk and he slows his down too, despite how hungry he is, so that he can keep listening to you without you ever becoming aware that you had slowed down in the first place.
it’s only small talk, but it doesn’t seem so small to gojo. it was pretty big to him.
he loves you.
when you finish eating, and he finishes with you at, conveniently, the same time, he takes the dishes and begins to wash them up. you follow him, drying the plates and putting them away. you chat away to each other even then, about nothing important, just happy to hear the sound of the other’s voice.
he helps you put away one of the bowls on the top shelf; he unties your apron and hangs it up for you; he kisses the top of your head and thanks you for dinner. you put his favourite show on; you let him rest his head on your lap while he watches; he gets into bed before you and notices that you had arranged his pillows in exactly the way he likes.
they're little things, he knows. but when you climb into bed beside him, immediately curling up into his side, fitting perfectly against him - he realises just how much he loves all of these little things.
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