#phew there we go | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nvrcmplt · 17 days ago

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"Lance… don't."

"Lance, wait, don't do it…"

"You know what he is like, Lance, dude…"

They always say it, when they all watch from the side-line the Master of this Forge taking the credit of forging blades that were not his. They slaved over those blades, the molds, the pounding of hammers and blistered formed from sweat, fire and hard work. Lance wasn't a guy that liked any idea of someone taking his work for themselves, whether it was to be a simple borrowing or just to show off in a quick second. His jaw was tight enough from the stupidly agreed contract that wasn't feasible in their current workshop. No way were three apprentices and one master, who didn't fucking do his own work, were going to fulfill fifth blades from their fires.

Ah - he could feel his vein pulsing in his own forehead as he reached up to grasp at his nape, squeezing to try and lessen the ache from growing but it wasn't working. His friends, as little as he knew them, were watching him moreso than the Boss chat shit at the door with their high-end client or whatever, the whispers for him to let it go was just as aggravating. He understands that this was the fourth place he tried to get himself to work in but gods, just gods, it wasn't working for him. Humans were just such fucking trash…!!

As he watched his own dagger be pulled from a pile, the flaunting and dribble of some nonsense was the last straw… It wasn't too clear in his memory because Lance had already stepped forward and launched his hammer at the Owner with full intentions of breaking something in body. Though it was narrowly dodged by an ill timed shift of the Master. Lance didn't shy away from clicking his tongue, tearing off his gloved hand to toss with a wad of spit being spat to his side. "Tha' fuck you doin'? You ain't made one damn blade in this place since we started… Ya ain't taught me shit, to make those damn expensive, good quality steels and ya standing there taking the credit of us?!"

The silence was deafening, the embarrassment of their Master was swift to take over their tan-lard ass and Lance was soon without a place to claim his own work place. Tossed out after a share of fisticuffs, violence wasn't an question in Lance's eye, the moment his cheek was touched. It was the question and of course, his answer was to return the punch with a knuckle sandwich to the nose. The blood was not even noted, since the smaller of the two, Lance, was already swinging for more harm. He got in two body blows before he was apprehended by the guards that came with the client. Lance managed to get a kick, spit and a bit out on these fuckers but he was still all the more tossed out onto his back into a puddle of something.

He woke up in the dark, aching with footprints on his clothing and his nostril busted but he could only huff with a strong snort to dislodge dried blood. Hissing at the pain of his form, Lance sighed with another wave of emotion. "… I ain't the problem. I ain't." He had to tell himself a lot, no matter the injustice, he wasn't going to sit under it just to push on. It never sat right in his soul, so within the next hour, he began to move. Standing up with a wince and creak of his shoulders, deciding to stretch his limbs out instead of letting him remain stiff, it was in that process that he felt lighter causing him to look down at himself. His waist was bare… thankfully, he was fully clothed and no ass ache but his belt was gone. Utility belt, that was. He paid two silvers for that!!

The tools he usually held on his frame, all paid for! One by one over two years of odd jobs and starving himself to the brink to afford quality tools. "Oh… Oh, that fat bastard." His knuckles popped with fisting tightly at his sides and with his fire once more reignited, he took off. Knowing exactly where he needed to go to get them back.

Running through the streets at the dead of night wasn't hard, their was hardly any patrols in this area, even though it was high for its forges and open flames that seem to burn away, it wasn't a place that got the attention of knights or any orders. Lance learned fast upon entering this city that the slums, the lesser than the rich were always short of anything worth of help. Lance didn't mind it, he born within it - lost upon this planet with it, but he did thrive here. He knew a good right hook, his talents in tinkering got him a few jobs of helping out with cars, radios and even wristwatches, stolen or not. He just liked taking things apart to put back together but his true calling on this planet was when he was standing before a Forge. Inhaling the heated air and allowing his arm to swing with innate might.

Unlike this fat prick he was currently breaking into his storage house… Needs must, but he knew stock was always here, something for the morning mart, something for the evening and mostly, where he takes all his goodies from the warehouse in the blacksmith shop. As he crouched at the door, fingers pressing two metal lines into the large keyhole, he stilled when he heard a voice with a scrape of a foot on the gravel. He tsk'd at the interruption but he at ease, crawled towards the steps wall, to climb over and crouch within bushes even if one nearly stabbed him in the eye. In these moments, Lance was thankful for his height, that's for sure. He was but a dot in these shadows and he didn't have to wait long until he saw the two thugs hired to look after this place.

Lance wasn't sure when those were introduced but it didn't soothe his need for revenge. Instead he watched them piss about, talking to each other instead of keeping an eye out because it wasn't long at all for them to be yawning, leaning against the door and wall for five minutes before pushing on again. Lance wasn't going to lie and say it wasn't nerve wrecking, hiding like this. It always made him need to pee, a full bladder wasn't grand but he didn't need to do much else but climb out and get back to unlocking the lock. It took him two more minutes, a silent cheer as he pushed through the door at a low and shut the door behind him. The darkness, lack of candles was great, and as he moved further in, he backtracked to a box of fine leather and fur pelts…

The sound of his zipper was just an echo in the dark.

/////////////////////

Lance took his time venturing slowly through the warehouse after leaving his mark, mostly because it was more like a home, multiple open rooms that branched off each other with a wall here and there that he get curious of just what else was in here now. The living area, head a fireplace and everything though it smelt wrong. Made his nose scrunch and a hand raise to his face to cover it from the smell and when he noticed where it was coming from he understood right away. It was a brothel, illegal and the incense was nothing great at all, a mix of some drugs he didn't want to know but he did reach out to take the burner and toss it onto the sofa to cover with pillows and other things to mute the smell the best he could. A few items of worth, cuff links and a few rings left behind from recent use of the room, those were pocketed in his pants to head off when looting was done.

Crossing the hall and slipping undetected through the other rooms, which should of been a kitchen was instead of a drug making room wasn't it? A lot of glass, rare but the shapes spoke science to him. Lance understood just what was going on now, as he stepped backwards and made his way towards the stairs only to stop mid-lift of his foot. Sound outside makes his heart race and sweat crawl down his spine as he lowered himself to slither towards the back of the stairs instead, low to the ground and in the shadow, as he was getting into position it was here he noticed the door. A draft under it against his ankle and hands. The front door was neared though, he could just tell by the moon light being blocked at the front doors bottom and that made his decision. He didn't have long, not at all…

Swallowing thick and inhaling deep, he moved with slowness to grasp the door and pry it open, slowly yet trying not to make the damn hinges squeak, Lance managed with all his might to shimmy between the smallest of gaps and promptly close the door behind him with a heavy sigh. Though he was sweating buckets, he felt cold, shivered head to toe when he noticed the entrance he was in now lead down, far down some steps to another door? This wasn't normal, not at all. He could only swallow it down though, his nervousness, and furrowed his brows with a shift of his being. Heading down the steps slow and steady, he stroked his hand on the wall with hope nothing sticking out would fuck him up… still, as he got closer to the door the worse it smelt. Something was being kept down here in a shit conditions and Lance was hoping it wasn't women.

The door was strangely fucked up too, like it was beaten one to many times, the lock was feeble, not even fully locked so completely easy for the blacksmith to rattle free with a good clean yank. He didn't do much else after that, just wait for any signs within and when nothing came he opened it up… and that's why he understood it to be loose. "That fat bitch, I fucking knew it." This room was filled to the brim with his swords! His axe! His dagger! Everything he poured himself into to learn from one of the best, here in a barrel just collecting dust and most likely to be sold and nothing to his own pocket!

"Oh fuck this guy, fuckin' piece of shit." His hand grabbed his own things, holding them with some awe of his best works only to tsk with a click of the tongue. A glance around and that's when he spotted the cloak. Perfect. Wrapping his goods up in quick time and strapping them to his back diagonally he was happy. Grinning with the rage in his heart but another door took his attention away. He could and honestly should just slip out here and take a road to some other neighboring village… but something pulled him over there.

Frowning and thinking it must be another weaponry room he pried the door open with some difficulty. It was rotten this one, and the smell was tenfold, Christ. Whatever was in here was in some seriously shit condition and Lance wasn't sure if his heart could take the sight of it. He lingered, frowning and grumbling, angry but as he sighed again, he pushed on through. Having to leave the door open this time to see into the darkness the best he could, he was about to give up until he heard it. A clatter of chains, a breathe, that thick growl… "Oh shit." Guard dog? No, he couldn't hear them getting closer or padding around even, and that's when his eyes took their time to get used to the dark. He stepped closer, his fingers twitching at the sheer sight of cruelty.

Gods, he's never wanted to kill a human before, but he was so damn close with this vermin. Something in him told him, this guy was just in pain, scared and he didn't at all blame him but Lance was not going to leave them. So, he crouched, he made himself smaller and to their side, he reached through the bars to grasp the chain around their ankles to test the locks. It would come off, just needs a heavy hit and that's when he moved to gather his utility belt - the hammer perfect for this and with that, he got to work. A few hits at the joint and it crumbled. One, two, three and four…

Free, that's what he thinks the moment he pries the door open to let the canine out - but the sight of his muzzle made Lance want to vomit. "You poor thing… That asshole deserves to rot in this place, not you." He wanted to touch, to tend to them but alarm upstairs caused his shoulders to raise and his head to turn with fear. They need to scram, this guy seemed strong enough to hobby at his side but Lance wasn't sure if there was a way out but he did this best. Pushing boxes aside, moves items and things and that's where he sees it.

The drafts origin, a hole in the wall. "Fuckin' bonus… hey, hey come on." His hand taps his thigh, his attention on the freedom so close and he works his way through, even if he has to remove his bounty to pull in after himself he waits a few minutes for the dog and when he comes through, Lance smiles. "Good boy, so clever. Come on, I'll get you out of that muzzle once we're away from here. Promise." He ran fingers over their head, around ears and neck, encouraging them to move along.

It was daunting, hiding in the dark and suffering the horrors of a sewer but it was worth it. The echos kept them hidden, the winding paths made it easier to lose trackers and this dog, he was hella smart. Lance couldn't always tell which why the footsteps were coming from but this beauty did. He hunkered down with them in his arms sometimes, others he rested a hand on his neck, feeling his pulse and will to fight - so when it was just them, finally nearing the exit.

Lance almost shouted at the slumped figure, reaching for him in a panic but only to notice that he was just exhausted. So darn exhausted. "Man, you… Leave it to me, rest up, buddy." He didn't hesitate, sure the smelt and felt like a slime of shit but it was worth something. He pried them from the floor and dragged their weight onto his shoulders. A heavy yet not lift of a tired creature and Lance tied his cloak around them both, weapons included. Hood up and everything in place, he took off. The last stretch, to freedom and safety.

/////////////////////

Lance wasn't going to lie and say he wasn't sweating blood at this rate but he walked and walked and walked, jogged at some points to get as much distance as he could away from that village and he was rewarded with his work. An inn halfway to the next village was empty save for the two people that worked here. He didn't need to say anything, just tossed two coins of silver he robbed from that place and headed up tot he provided room. Here, he sat and released everything from his body, sat on the floor and giving the dog the bed. He mustered up the last of his strength to cut that muzzle off their face, freeing their jaws with a wince at the grime left in the wounds… but he couldn't do much yet, no, he passed out soon enough himself. Half on and half off the bed.

When he woke it was night time again, worth it though as he heard the inn being slightly busy but not enough to cause him to be paranoid. Instead, he stank and that was rotten. So he stripped, tossed everything grimy onto the floor and proceeded to take himself and the dog into the bathroom were hot water was waiting for them. Washing a half-dead dog was hard work, he scrubbed and scrubbed, careful of ribs and wounds but at the same time, knowing the better they were clean the better they'd heal. So, he cut fur, trimmed curved nails with one of his many blades, used his blacksmith tools to do the best they could for this guy. Washing them both in a rare soap bar, aggressively making sure that this dog got the care he deserved.

He wasn't sure how long it was, but the bath was freezing by the time he was done. The pair of them washed to the bone, sun light was beaming through the window and that's where he placed the canine. Left him to sun dry after towel drying him the best he could. Leaving them in the room and asking the inn keep were some food and paying another three silvers for the mess he left upstairs. It wasn't good to linger too long here so when he asked of a carriage to the next village he was pleased to know it was only four hours away. He nodded and claimed a spot for himself and the canine and that's where they were within the next afternoon.

Sat with four others, two ladies and an elderly man, he was on his own with a hand on the dog's head and his weaponry well covered in his stolen goods. Watching the pathway grow longer and longer in the distance of what he once knew. This was going to be a new start, that's for sure… but first, he has to sell these goods for a good price and get himself a new place to live in. Nothing new, nothing strange - but it was rather fun in this state. The canine was wrapped up in bandages and some first aid to prevent infection, even graced a low healing potion from a wore down merchant stall on the passing. Anything to help really and he was glad it worked out since that muzzle scar was the result of the potion doing something good…

Lance sighed with a smile this time, stroking over the canines head that rested on his thigh and with a nod, decision made, he grins with the new goal in life. "Let's do what we want, Shadow."

@mangher - Story II.

#« ( Lance ) » IC.#LANCE & DARIUS ╱ We’re Good At Surviving For It's All We Have Now ❣#BLACKSMITH VERSE ／ Breaking The Iron Shackles #━━ ｢ Drabble ｣#phew there we go #long post cw

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solifloris · 5 months ago

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on "voyage of the outcast";

a psychological analysis with a look into identity, feelings of inferiority, and the glorification of self-sacrifice.

LONG OVERDUE, THIS TOOK FOREVER ?? mentally im not over his story branch and i think about it OFTEN and i have a LOT OF THOUGHTS.......... this'll actually focus less on the story branch (and the potential parallels) itself, but more on what, personally, i think could be the implications!!! 🥰

warnings :: spoilers, +this is quite long! 😭

i'll preface this by saying that . confession time!!!!!! i didn't expect a lot out of this because mostly because i was initially pretty worried about how they would connect the last time we saw xavier (at philo) with the current point in the story, especially given that we ended on a point of a cliffhanger and xavier's and mc's relationship had not developed anywhere near close at that point. but i'm actually pretty impressed with how the writers handled xavier's branch... and i'm more than grateful that infold didn't fuck it up as much as i thought they would 😭

with that said...

HOLY SHIT DID THEY GO HAM WITH THIS 😭😭

and parallels and references aside, i really am quite happy that they perpetuated something i've been waiting to look into more in-depth for a while—because i feel that in these chapters, we get to see a lot of how xavier's upbringing has really shaped the way that he carries himself. sure, we've already seen it quite a bit in his limited cards, but seeing it in the main story hits more, especially when... there hasn't necessarily been a deep level of relationship development between the two yet.

which, the branch may reference his lightseeker myths and the anecdote "when shooting stars fall" a lot, but i'm glad that this gives the same desired effect even if you didn't get a lot of his cards (especially limited ones). because thankfully it's at least made pretty clear that xavier and mc haven't had the chance to develop their relationship very much past what we know in the main story itself. they're not in a relationship at this point, which, according to the cards, seems to really only get to that point after "21 days"...

so this brings us back to the xavier that we're more familiar with from before that card. the xavier who's still figuring out how to accept the parts of himself that had become a lot more fragmented throughout the years. the xavier who doesn't know how to do it yet, but the xavier who's still trying.

i know i did go into his upbringing and whatnot in some form of detail in my lumiere analysis (here, in case you maybe want to go through that too <3), but i'll expand on that a little bit here!! so how this will go, as much as i can keep it within the outline, is something like background + personality -> relationship. overall, we'll look into how each has influence over the other, and how that ties in to what we see in "voyage of the outcast"!!

++ a lot of these may be a little complex, but with the best of my abilities i'll try to break it down so its easily digestible !!!!!!! but, like... i'll disclaimer here again with this being my own personal speculation, from my understanding of his character hehe <3 so take it with a grain of salt? maybe? whdjsjfhhs

i. background and personality notes.

long-established is the fact that xavier has been depicted as royalty. at his core, he's the prince of philos—heir to the throne, someone who is to lead philos and its people when the current king no longer can.

...but he's also not been very happy about it. he'd distance himself from his family, and his duties, as much as he's able to...

and again, what does mc see when they first meet?

—"they say he doesn't live on campus because his family background is complicated, and many people have seen him surrounded by bodyguards."

—"they aren't clad in all black as one would expect, and they keep a respectable distance away from xavier. still, these people exude an air of oppression. xavier, with his bag, is at the center of their group. it seems he's used to being stared at. the only difference is that rather than being his usual expressionless self, he appears slightly upset."

—"'you appeared to be upset, so i thought you wanted to be free.'"

—"'i wish xavier is free to do what he wants.'"

she says all these things because even she recognizes him to be trapped. this is the mc that doesn't know him, isn't close to him yet at this point—but this is what she observes.

and this is the core of what we'll be looking at this time which i would section off into: (a) the nature of a prince, (b) constraint and psychological resistance, (c) incongruence of identity, and (d) feelings of inferiority. all of that, then, will tie into their relationship as a whole !

because if in the lumiere analysis we zeroed in on how this feeling of being "trapped" affected his identity—which, arguably though, is a big point so we'll get back to it nonetheless under section (c)—this time we're going to try to look into why these issues with his identity mean so much.

i. - (a) ; the nature of a prince.

something i do wish we had (or may get) more insight into is what exactly his life was like in philos x.x largely what we know of can only be inferred, because the story is being told through mc's point of view, and technically mc doesn't get too deep into the kind of lifestyle each of the LI's have.

with that being said... xavier, in his lightseeker myths and the 'when shooting stars fall' anecdote, still does encapsulate typical princely duties. there's the formality of royalty, the responsibility that comes with a higher status... a prince is high-ranking, a prince is a noble, a prince is royalty. there's a certain sovereignty involved with the title, and in that effect—we all know that there's a certain air of elegance and poise that xavier generally carries himself with, whether that be in his swordfighting, or the words he uses (he has pretty eloquent speech sometimes), the books he reads... even little things, like the calligraphy he does, his handwriting, the slow dancing, playing the piano. he's well learned, and it's clear that he's been trained truly in the image of a prince.

and he's calm. collected. for the most part, we've seen him deal with adversities in a way that's almost chillingly calm; and for the most part, he portrays himself in a way that feels as if it's not easy to get him to lose that calm. again, it's why we as the audience tend to be so shocked when he does—maybe incredibly, even, especially with misty silhouette as of late. he gives this image of someone who does not often lose control of his emotions...

but it's never been because he wants it that way.

along with all of these things, comes the duty of being a prince.

a prince is high-ranking, a prince is a noble, a prince is royalty. again, there's a certain sovereignty involved with the title. but more than that, is the responsibility of holding such a high status.

xavier is the crown prince. he's the next-in-line. he's expected to take the throne after his father's death, and that means being able to lead and care for the people of his nation—or, well, planet, i suppose, in this case, philos. that's a heavy burden to bear. he's already likely faced with all these lessons, to exude a princely demeanor, and all that formality, and speciality, and elegance, and poise—and now he has to keep in mind that the satisfaction and the safety of this planet will fall directly into his hands when the time comes.

we know later on in his lightseeker myth that this means much more than we think it does—because it means being aware of, and accepting, and condoning the sacrifices that go into keeping philos safe, for, well... exactly that. to keep the people safe.

—"...I knew you'd catch on. However, it is a necessary duty of the crown prince. It is also the King's responsibility."

—"Xavier! Listen to me. A King cannot act on his emotions or only protect the people he holds dear. Your duty is to protect Philos. You must only do what is necessary."

his duties are outlined. he has to protect philos. he must only do what is necessary.

it may be the topic of another conversation entirely, but the whole debacle with philos is really just that whoever is on the throne has to answer: "which is it that men cannot live without? a blessing that leads to damnation, or a freedom that leads to deprivation?" [joshua rosfield and the ff16 writers, thank you for this quote that lives in my head rent free] and like, hell. that's a difficult choice to make.

it's also worth noting that although the context here is somewhat dark, this is a rule that applies to general leadership—there is not much room to be selfish, because you have to think about the people under your care, or rule, or jurisdiction. it's a responsibility that falls on your shoulders for you to bear, for you to make the right call, the right decision—that is the value that the xavier's father is trying to instill in him.

because he is the crown prince.

because he will soon be king.

and heavy is the head that wears the crown.

...only, xavier has never once been receptive of it.

i. - (b) ; constraint and psychological resistance.

we go back to, again, "when shooting stars fall", and the very clear recognition mc has of his lack of freedom.

because that's what it is.

lack of freedom.

because duty is the enemy of freedom.

and xavier, given his position, is undeniably plagued by all of these duties and these obligations and these things that fall to him-

yet, he's never wanted any of it.

though not explicitly confirmed in the game itself, the setup that's implied leads us as the audience to believe that xavier has never enjoyed his royal duties, never found that it was something he desired. it could be that he wanted many other things, but has never been allowed to enjoy these things. in "when shooting stars fall", he's often lonely; often surrounded by these "bodyguards" and rarely interacting with other people in the academy. he believes that these figures restrict him from watching the meteor shower with mc, too. it's possible to think that he's believed, all that time, that he had no say in the things that he does...

because he has to be molded into the perfect image of a prince.

that's where it comes in: the constraint.

something that limits one's freedom of action or choice.

it may or may not be what happened in actuality, but it's clear that by the time anecdote 3 happens, xavier had developed into a person with the misbelief, conditioned, that he was not allowed to do as he wished. it could be the strict training, it could be the things they might have kept from him when he was little.

but xavier believed that there was nothing that he could do.

in a sense, this brought about a sense of learned helplessness.

learned helplessness is the learned feeling that one has little to no control over a certain situation—and because of the lack of control, feelings of helplessness, or passivity, or a lack of motivation to take action, end up resurfacing. it could mean overlooking opportunities for relief, or change—it means basically accepting the situation as-is, without bothering to try to get out of it. "it is what it is." "i can't do anything anyway, so why should i still bother?"

this is the xavier that we meet at the beginning of anecdote 3.

— "I can't." "Is it because of those..." I hesitate, wondering what to call them. "People?" Xavier appears shocked, and then he nods without saying a word.

— "Don't be sad. I'll just go by myself... I'll bring your wish to the stars when I do. What's your wish?" "I don't have one." "How could someone not wish for anything?"

however...

it changes.

the xavier at the beginning of that anecdote is not the same xavier we see at the end of it.

mc makes various comments; talks about how he's smiling more, and we see him more deliberately avoiding the company of those "people" in favor of being with mc instead. he's found something he wants, and he makes the decision that this is worth fighting for. it breaks him out of that mold of learned helplessness—

only to have it ripped away from him through mc's death.

this anecdote is painful because he realizes that he doesn't have to be trapped anymore... but it's a moment that's short-lived.

and it builds.

it builds.

it's very likely that the end of that anecdote haunts him for years on end, builds up a certain sense of resentment and disdain for the universe, for his circumstances, and builds more of that rebellious nature.

when we see him in his lightseeker myth, that learned helplessness is gone.

and instead, it switches to the opposite end.

xavier is more headstrong. he's no longer passive, no longer the boy who was unsatisfied with the restrictions but sat still and did nothing. he literally walks out of his conversation with the king, and he's seen multiple times in the myth defying what's expected of him.

but because it's gotten to the point where he's at the opposite end of the spectrum...

he'd develop, instead, what would be called psychological resistance.

maybe not the concept in its entirety, sure, but the very core of it—that is, displaying these paradoxical, opposing behaviors in response to what he'd be told to do.

it's, in a way, that xavier would have himself feeling stuck nonetheless; because he's so insistent on rebelling against all of this, that the more he's told he's a prince, or that he has to do this, or that, or help philos, or whatever, he completely turns his back on it. i would argue that at this point he is being less objective of the situations and, going against the expected conduct of a prince, gets overly emotional—at this point, the only thing that matters to him is mc.

we get to see the full extent of exactly why xavier is emotionally unstable, because he keeps fluctuating between the two extremes of dealing with all the constraint he's experienced.

i. - (c) ; incongruence of identity.

it get worse, naturally.

to set the stage for this, i'd bring forth the concepts of "congruence" and "incongruence" of identity.

so when we talk about congruence, this refers to the fact that there is a balance between our ideal selves (aka who we want to be) and our actual selves (who we are currently). this means that we basically accept who we are, either that we feel like we are already our ideal selves, or we recognize that though we might not be at our ideal stage, we know how to work to achieve it. there is no conflict between who we are and who we want to become.

incongruence is the opposite of that, and refers to the imbalance of the self. who we are now is not who we want to be, but we don't like that idea. we don't know how to work towards it. it makes us upset, and we may reject ourselves completely to pursue the sense of idealism.

and xavier falls heavily into incongruence.

there's more to it—

according to james marcia, there are four (4) statuses of identity: identity foreclosure, identity diffusion, identity moratorium, and identity achievement.

foreclosure refers to committing to an identity and accepting it, without exploring other options: you'd rather just blindly accept values and ideas and identities that other people suggest, without bothering to consider other options. it's most clear that xavier falls under identity foreclosure.

(diffusion refers to no identity commitment, and no exploration of identities; there is no strong sense of who you are as a person, neither is there any sense of actively trying to work on it. moratorium includes actively exploring options, but not being able to settle into one identity. achievement is the ideal, having explored options and willingly chosen the identity that feels right to you.)

so we have the xavier who's initial identity was chosen and laid out for him without much of his own say in the matter, and because he doesn't want the identity, because it's forced onto him, he develops such an aversive reaction to it that it proves to be quite harmful to the stability of his mental state.

something i've talked about a lot, is how this state of his identity is a cornerstone to the things we see him struggle with, in the main story and in his cards alike, and especially in his relationship with mc. and it sets the tone for the xavier that we see and interact with, as well as the character arc he has to go through to grow into a better person.

once again, it pulls out the fact that he needs to learn to accept who he is as a whole. what he keeps doing is striving for an ideal, striving to become who he "should", as far away from his princely identity as possible. but it's necessary for him to realize that even the most conflicting parts of him are still.. well, him.

the more we attempt to be who or what we are not, the more we remain the same. but when we acknowledge and become what we are, we open right new possibilities for change.

it's not necessarily a matter of blindly accepting your faults and not bothering to change that, but acknowledging the parts of you that you refuse to acknowledge, because you can't just... ignore who you are. like xavier has been very keen on doing.

i. - (d) ; feelings of inferiority.

i want to preface this section by saying two things: (1) that inferiority is a word that's thrown a lot very casually, but actually means something different than what general media portrays it to mean... and, (2) that all of the LI's show conflict with feelings of inferiority, in very different ways, and this is not limited to just xavier!

and to understand what inferiority really means, we go back to the person who coined the term in the first place: alfred adler.

so alfred adler is this guy who's basically responsible for what we call "individual psychology", and the very very basis of it is that people are driven by a need to feel that they are significant, and that they belong. there's heavy emphasis on the importance of relationships and social environments, and— a person is influenced by how they interpret events that happened to them in the past.

i hope you see where i'm going with this !!!!

when we relate this to xavier... we can recall how under learned helplessness, it was primarily xavier's view of how he was treated, that he developed a sense of passivity. when things change and he loses mc despite finally learning how to rebel a little, his view changes into one stained more with frustration and disdain—so he works against the situation and rejects it.

the fact is that we as the audience don't know how he was really treated. sure, we can make inferences, but we're just about making the same inferences that mc and xavier do. it's a limited perspective. and what matters the most in a limited perspective is how it's interpreted. we can see clearly how xavier has interpreted his narrative, and it therefore results into his behavior.

so where does inferiority come in?

it does get kind of intense, because individual psychology is closely related to early childhood. so the theory goes that everyone's born with a little bit of inferiority—and then, as kids, or as babies because we strive for the attention of our parents to help fulfil our basic needs we develop this kind of habit of striving to get rid of that inferiority. baby wants food (sense of inferiority and dependance), baby cries (tries to get attention to get rid of the feelings of inferiority).

so it goes that if the child gets the proper care that they need, then problem solved. but inadequate nurturing... means the problem gets worse. we'd go back to learned helplessness, because then the child would feel like they have no control over their surroundings. and while this is normal in small amounts, if it isn't addressed, compensation is just not enough anymore.... and then they would strive for even more.

overcompensation.

and overcompensation leads to an inferiority complex.

now, an inferiority complex isn't what you might be thinking, because it doesn't necessarily just mean seeing yourself as... less than someone. in fact, it's not even about comparison, really, it's just... the feeling of not being enough. it's a lack of self esteem where the feelings of inferiority that all this started with just, haven't been dealt with at all. so it's a cycle of constantly trying to compensate, and compensate, and compensate... it's the need of someone to feel special because they can't accept themselves as flawed. (it's unfortunate, because everyone is flawed... including themselves.)

(it gets worse, because if even that gets left unchecked, it develops a superiority complex which is kind of the same concept, but instead focuses on looking for the "easy way out", like borrowing authority or luxury or power from other people and living according to other people's value system)

but, i digress, because in xavier's case, his sense of inferiority stems from the identity forced upon him. given his background that we went over, there's a lot of pressure involved... and it is once again inferred that he does not have, or does not view that he has, a good relationship with his father (one would assume, including his mother, though i don't believe his mother has been mentioned anywhere?). it's a sense of a lack of nurture; the fact that he has felt as if his needs were not being met and instead pushed aside for something like the "greater good of the people of philos", or something along the lines.

he has to do something about it.

it goes back to the cycle.

the learned helplessness is pushed aside, and he keeps doing things because he has to. and it could be due to the belief that it's what will make him worth anything.

he has to.

except instead of directing his determination necessarily towards the planet he was supposed to lead... because he's so aversive to his identity as a prince...

he directs that towards...

mc.

he has to help her. he has to save her. he'd give rise to the whole lumiere thing to save her, even despite how much he despises resuming an identity similar to the prince of philos.

he has to.

(which, side note: i do believe that his sword fighting also somewhat stems from an inferiority complex, because of the line:

"it's not that i like it. it's the only thing i've been good at since i was a child."

(implying; his need to still feel good at something despite a lack of enjoyment... almost as if compensating for something.)

ii. xavier and mc.

so what does all of this mean for their relationship?

evidently, at the time of voyage of the outcast and the general main story, none of these issues are addressed. this is not like the lumiere myths, not like 21 days, no restraint, floral blessing—this is the xavier who's still largely unstable on the inside but trying to put on a brave face.

there's a lot of things he doesn't know how to navigate.

but the one thing he is sure of is:

mc.

always mc.

she's important to him and he loves her and he has always loved her. this is the person who was the catalyst to him believing that freedom was possible.

and we've had this whole thing established, that he's so insistent on keeping her around that—he doesn't know what to be. he doesn't know what to do. he wants her around, he wants her to like him—

but what does she like?

there's too many sides of him, and he recognizes that this mc in this timeline is her own person. what should he be? he doesn't want her near whatever princely persona he's had in the past—but what if that's what she wants? he wants to show her the person he wants to be, but what if that's not what she wants?

how does he navigate that?

it's the baseline of where he starts—why we see him aloof, and vague, and a little cyptic. he wants to be careful with his words not just to protect her and not just for nonintervention principle... but also because he wants to figure out what she wants, and really wants to make her like him.

he doesn't want to lose her. he doesn't want to mess up and have her go to another guy, he doesn't want this to be a timeline where he can't win her heart.

it's there again, the determination—

he has to.

he's doing all these things, working in secret to protect her—he can't lose her. and he's not enough, so he has to do something to compensate that. he wants her approval, he wants praise, he wants her to like him.

when we go back to voyage of the outcast, there's still a lot of that same xavier that we start with—he's still struggling with all of these ideals, the interaction of all that he's grown up with and the things that he has to learn how to navigate.

he's still a little vague, still a little cryptic...

but he's trying, most of all.

he puts in an effort.

— "Isn't there something you genuinely want to ask?"

— "Oh... You're asking if I have a hidden side to me like Soren?"

— "You must have more questions."

he's giving her a chance.

even if the way he answers are still lacking in explanation—it's a step forward nonetheless.

and they do talk about it, that sequence by the basketball court has so much to it, because in one way or another, he's still trying to express his thoughts, even if it comes out, again, still a little vague.

"Perhaps it's because he looks like a good student that makes him the best at doing things behind the scenes. After all, people don't write their secrets on their faces. The calmer the water's surface, the easier it is to hide dangerous undercurrents."

even mc recognizes it:

— "Even though I'm so close to you, experienced all these life-and-death situations with you, I still cannot seem to fully understand you."

but why i say he's trying is that, in theory, he understands what he's lacking in. at this point in the story, he knows he's doing things to mask and pick and choose what he shows her, he recognizes that it's not what he should be doing:

"But... the parts of me you think you know and the parts you think you don't know... They make up who I am. All of me, right here in front of you."

it's just that, knowledge is often different from practice.

from the xavier we see here, you get the image that he knows what he should be doing, but he doesn't quite know how to get there. he knows what he wants to tell her, but he doesn't know how to express it properly.

and it's why when we get to The kindled scene, we're pulled back into the xavier that still hasn't come to terms with himself and what he wants, the xavier that falls into the shadow of himself that can't help but be so aversive to his princely duties.

we pull together the insecurities, the incongruence— the inferiority complex.

and we end up with the glorification of sacrifice.

this is something i've always always wanted to get into, and again, similarly to inferiority, it's present in all the LI's, but xavier's really makes you think, you know?

because for being so aversive to his role as a prince and everything that philos has done/has planned to do to queen mc especially, you'd think he'd be just aversive to the role of sacrifice, in general.

(i mean, i know i would be! 😭)

it's like— if i'm already that aversive, then i'd rather find some kind of workaround to it than bother giving into the sacrificial needs of the planet, just to challenge what's supposed to be, you know?

— "A planet that uses... ... ...to survive.... doesn't deserve to be saved." [ <- do you see the aversion? there's so much hatred and disdain in this! ]

and yet, that's not what xavier does.

— "Starfall forest... will stop once it has enough power..."

— "I couldn't... I didn't protect you before. At least... it chose me this time..."

he was very clearly planning on having the forest take him. it's even further pushed by him recognizing mc to be there, but... the bottomline falls to the fact that he was willing to be the sacrifice that was needed instead.

the contradiction is there, no?

he doesn't want to save the planet, not at all, but yet he'd offer himself.

and although this falls to my personal speculation, when you draw references from his background, there's once again the fact that he grew up with all of these ideaologies. his parents were the first sources of influence—and then whoever had been with him through his growth, and trainings, or whatever else as a prince. and he was learning all these things in philos, the very planet that did use sacrifices.

and upset though he always has been about learning of the sacrifices, it's not as if the planet condemned mc for being the sacrifice... if not, well... glorified her, somewhat. they called her the perfect sacrifice—the life force of the planet. they held importance in what they believed to be "true immortality". moreover— "her duty was to save philos, because her existence worked in such a manner."

it wasn't just "whatever" to them, and they surely didn't treat her like shit just because she was a sacrifice.

it feels as if, the theme goes as "you're doing a good job being the sacrifice. your sacrifice will save us and that is worth something to be thankful for."

and even if xavier is clearly averse to the idea... again—the fact remains that he was brought up with the entire theme of sacrifice surrounding him.

we circle back to inferiority.

there's that certain sense of belongingness, or approval, that was never fulfilled in his childhood, so much that he began to resent everything altogether, enough to rebel so much, the way that he did.

but it stems from what he never received.

and while he may not care anymore for approval from the people of philos, what he does care for is mc's approval.

because again, mc is the only one that truly matters to him, the one he focuses on the most, the one he's doing all of this for.

he has to do something to compensate, he has to do something so that she'll love him.

the same line of thinking that we said earlier he'd come to terms with knowledge-wise, that he's trying to be more genuine instead of chasing after compensation and praise and compensation and praise—

but again, in this scene, it falls back.

he's lost sense of reasoning, the evol, the protofield, they're all affecting him... and we go back to that sentiment.

he has to do something. to protect her. to save her. to be...

noble.

the only issue with that is in this moment, he's faced with the prospect of sacrifice. and he's thinking, "fuck it, this will make her happy—i can save her—i can do something—it will give me some worth."

he's sucked back into that shell, and the option in front of him is sacrifice, which he's likely long grown up with surrounded by glorified opinions of.

it's his duty.

he has to.

and it's just so gut-wrenching to think about, because he loves mc so much that it bypasses even every ounce of aversion and resentment (that she triggered long long back), and he would do anything for her.

the xavier that we see in this scene is raw, and lost, and in pain....

he loves her so much that it hurts.

... but, there's beauty in the way that this teaches him firsthand what he's missing, too. he learns to trust her more, learns to rely on her more... enough so that he drops a good portion of the aloof, distant-ish act he'd been generally having after this scene.

— "Your power will keep me safe."

— "It's as if he's already at the finish line with the answers. He's quietly waiting to see if l'll join him or choose a different path."

voyage of the outcast ends on a hopeful note for their relationship, because there is the premise that he's going to start being a little more true to himself from here on.

i think it's interesting to go through this again after floof attack and misty silhouette, but there's definitely a stark contrast and some sort of progression actually involved with the way they're progressing the main story—it does feel natural, not forced, not rushed, because xavier and mc are still at the pount where neither of them are ready to be romantically involved...

but they're getting there. slowly. steadily.

and it's really nice to see the growth, that i can't wait to see how xavier will continue to grow from hereon out 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

THIS TOTALLY GOT A LITTLE MESSY TOWARDS THE END.... I SWEAR THIS IS LIKE. THESIS DISSERTATION CORE. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW LONG ITS GOTTEN WJFJWNBGEJJF BUT IF YOUVE MADE IT THIS FAR TY FOR LISTENING TO MY RAMBLES !! 😭😭😭✋✋✋✋

i think about his story branch a lot but specifically the basketball scene and the one at the end with the lil shared earphones... im gonna sob in the corner i actually want to hold him in my arms so so gently 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

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