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kechiwrites · 11 months

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gentle touch

könig x massage therapist!reader kinktober countdown day 5 (body worship)

synopsis: oh, the military boys were your favourite.

wc: 2.8k

cw: massage therapist reader doing bad medical-ish practice, body worship, light sub!konig, mentions of edging, hand jobs, a little oral as a treat, biting, konig being petnamed as he should (honey), size kink, hints at touch starvation, groping, begging, uncut konig, afab!reader, no gendered pronouns or language.

author's note: i know his dick hex code and it's glorious. mdni.

He’s your last appointment of the day. And what a fucking day it had been, ten hours that should’ve been eight, cinnamon scented candles instead of eucalyptus, a rushed lunch because a client had shown up early, not taking “I’m on break” for an answer.

You knock on the faux bamboo door, waiting for your appointment to allow you entry. When he does, so quietly you almost miss it, you open the door, only for your eyes to land on a broad, strong back, still wrapped in a dark grey long sleeve. He turns slightly, just enough for you to see the thin stubble on his chin, cheek and jaw.

"Hello! I didn't catch you undressing did I?" This time he turns all the way around and you are sure your swallow is audible. Hell, you hope it's audible, you want this dude to know just how impressed you are with what you're seeing.

"No." He shakes his head, rubbing his aquiline nose against the inside of his wrist. It must’ve been broken once before, if the uneven bump on his bridge is anything to go by. Why is that hot? That shouldn’t be hot. You eat up the motion, eyes tracking every twitch or movement of his massive arms.

“Oh…" you're ogling him. You need to stop ogling him. "I actually need you to strip down.” The words burn on your tongue. You must say that a thousand times a work week, but this time, when you say it to him, it sounds…dirty. Like a shitty porn set up. Makes your clean white polo feel vacuum sealed to your skin. He takes a step towards you and you shudder a breath, tensing until you realize he’s getting closer to the lockers to your left.

He’s huge, you think, and when he still doesn’t look up at you, content to let the strands of dark brown hair, nearly black hair, hang in his face, you figure he’s shy too.

Cute.

“And you can use the towel to maintain modesty, Mr. König.” You get the inflection of his name wrong, you know because you’d googled it prior, held your phone to your ear in the staff washroom and listened to a soft spoken German man lilt it to you. There’s a hard ‘g’ on the end where it shouldn’t be, and you apologize, trying again to master it. “König.”

“Right.” He murmurs, “Just around my waist, yes?”

Or it could go on the floor and I could rub my clit on your abs.

“Yes, sir. Around your waist.”

You exit the room, closing it softly behind you. You figure you’ll use the few minutes you have to get a bottle of water, or a sedative. Something strong enough to bring you back down to your customary professional detachment.

When you return, he’s where you expect him to be. Face down on his stomach, his head in the cushioned hole. “S-sorry.” He speaks, voice muffled by his position. The apology comes immediately upon the sound of the door closing and you worry his large frame has cracked the massage table or something. You peer around him, looking for any chunks of polished wood or loose screws.

When you don’t find anything you realize he’s apologizing for his scars, the pit marks of bullets dug out in haste and healed with spite, lacerations haphazardly stitched, then redone a second time with the careful, practiced hands of a doctor in no rush.

“Oh, please don’t be. We get military boys all the time. Nothing I haven’t seen before.” You murmur, and it’s a lie of course. Not that you’ve seen scars, of course, you’ve seen some really storied skin in your time here, being near a base and all. No, it was the man who was an oddity. Mandy at the front desk told you that he’d had to duck through the front door.

His skin is also ultra pale in a way military men usually aren't. Near transparent, the sprawling blue lines of his veins thread underneath his skin, and you can see yourself getting distracted tracing some of the pathways with your fingers.

He hums, and you hope you’ve put him at ease a little bit. You haven’t even touched him yet and the tension in his back is glaring. Anxious people tended to hold a lot of stress, anxious soldiers? You’re just glad he’d booked a two hour instead of the customary hour and twenty.

The oil is cold straight from the bottle and you warm it between your palms before you make contact. He’s warm to the touch, bridging on hot, and he flinches when your hands meet his skin. “Was that too cold?” He groans, but doesn’t affirm or deny it, so you figure it must just be the contact. Slowly, you begin with his calves, tending to and pushing on knotted muscle and tense areas, working out kink after kink, soothing his compounded aches. The oil smoothes down his leg hair and you must be going insane because even that is hot to you. His thighs are even worse, strong and muscled and dimpled in the sweetest places. He shivers when your palms glide over his inner thighs, and he clenches them together when your fingers brush the hem of the towel shielding his ass from your greedy view. As quickly as it happens, he relaxes, murmuring another apology. You hum your own response, and push your thumb into an adorable cluster of moles you see just under the towel.

By the time you get to his lower back, König is almost purring, his gentle breathing often interrupted by drawn out, guttural moans. Whines and whimpers that make your blood hot. He’s holding the worst of his tension there, and you have to lean almost all your body weight into the motions of the massage. His hips jerk up and then down just as sharply when you crest your palm over her shoulder blades, and you don’t imagine the keening noise he makes as he grips the massage table. You’re used to military clients being a lot more stoic but it seems Mr. König is most assuredly not the sort. You reach his neck, framing his throat with your palms and using your thumbs to rub firm circles into his nape. His breath hitches and you find yourself cooing. “Breathe for me, I got you.” The soldier’s hips snap downward again, this time hard enough to shift the table beneath him. Which is more than enough to make you pause.

No.

It couldn’t be.

The soft music and sound of the water feature on the wall nearly drown out the curse König whispers, but you catch it, and can’t stop your lips from curling into a pleased little smile. This was just too good. You start to finish up his neck, brushing some of his hair out of the way so you can rub your fingertips into the skin just below his earlobes. You guide him to turn over and when he doesn’t respond, you wonder if he’d fallen asleep.

“Mr. König?”

He makes a wordless groaning noise low in his throat, laying motionless.

“I need you to turn over, honey.” You don’t even realize you’ve pet-named a grown man you don’t know. Which is just as well, because it seems to be what the soldier needs, and he rises from the table, clutching the towel in a tight fist to maintain his scant modesty.

You turn towards the side table, pouring more oil into your palm. When you return to face him, you witness why exactly he was so reluctant to face the ceiling.

He’s at least half-hard, a very noticeable ridge lifting his towel. You can’t stop staring at it, even though you know König is trying his best to ignore it. You circle around him, and begin at the foot of the table, going through the massage cycle again; feet, calves, thighs, arms. You zone out, following through your motions, listening to the man beneath groan and sigh his contentment. You reach his chest, spreading your hands over his pecs. They’re big, just like the rest of him, you think and it’s hard not to fucking drool on him. He’s firm but soft, still pleasantly warm, despite being exposed to slightly below room temperature air. He shifts again when you hit a stubborn knot right below his collarbone, and you pause to check in.

“Still good?”

His breathing is uneven, shuddering and laboured. His hands clench and relax from white knuckled fists.

“Yes.” he hisses through gritted teeth, and you’re worried he’s undoing every bit of relaxation you’ve tried to bring him. It’s painfully clear where the stress is coming from, hidden underneath a paltry white towel, the enticing elephant in the room. You put your hands back on him.

Still got 45 minutes left, after all.

You try your best not to look smug, and you fail miserably.

Every stroke and rub you perform across his chest makes his cock jerk and twitch under the towel. You can practically see the cloudy drops of precum that’d be beading as his tip. Your thumb nail skates across his pectoral and catches his nipple and the whine he makes is so sweet you just have to do it again. Soon, you’re barely massaging him, groping the poor man under the guise of your job. A weak grunt snaps you out of your reverie, and when you glance down his abdomen at that godforsaken towel, you can’t stop the quiet gasp of shock you release at his erection. “Ah, I’m so sorry. Very sorry” His flush spreads from his cheeks all the way down to his chest, a gorgeous stewed cherry colour that overwhelms the pale skin you’d worked into submission. His eyes are screwed shut when you can bear to drag your eyes from his cock to his face. His soft, pink mouth is pulled down at the corners, and the heavy, dark slashes of his eyebrows are furrowed together, creating a wrinkle between them you want to smooth out with a kiss.

“It happens all the time. Are you alright to continue?” Your voice is deceptively calm, serene and soft, when all you really want to do is snatch the towel off the battering ram he’d smuggled in here. Your blood thrums, and you ache at the sight of it, at the mere thought of the ungodly stretch he’d put you through.

You will yourself to keep your hands where they are, force yourself to look literally anywhere else. The faux waterfall ahead of you, the wireless speaker droning pleasant, melodic mood music, fuck, you even try staring at the dimmed light fixtures hanging from the ceiling. But every cry and whine forces your eyes down, tempts you to catalogue every inch of flushed skin and threaded muscle. You gnaw on your own lip, and find your hands drifting down, back around his abdomen. You’ve worked through the area already, there is no excuse to be down there, to slip your finger tips under the towel, to push your digits into the skin around his pelvis. “Is this okay?” You have the gall to ask, when you push your fingers lower still, and basically sign your own severance package. Oh but it’d be worth it, to get what you want, to make this big strong man sob with pleasure, to have his mouth on your throat while you stroked him to completion. The memory of his cock in your hand will keep you warm in the unemployment line.

König nods, turns his head towards you but doesn’t open his eyes. His hips cant upwards again, and his towel shifts, parting to reveal his angry, desperate hard-on. He raises a hand from the massage table, letting his mammoth paw land on your hip. He squeezes you, and exhales sharply through his nose when his thumb touches your bare skin, skating over your flesh underneath your work shirt. “Say it.” You mutter and his eyes crack open, just wide enough for you to spot the crystalline blue of his irises between his inky black lashes.

“Please.”

And that’s all you need.

He’s uncut, and the veins blanketing the length of his cock are visible under his foreskin. Pretty in a way you aren’t used to, a denser blush than the rest of his body, but still quite pale. It feels like your hand is moving in slow motion towards it, your fingers twitching in anticipation. The heat of his dick warms your skin before you even make contact, and when you do, wrapping your fingers around the root of it, your fingertips can’t touch. You press your lips together and try not to squeal happily, glee crinkling your eyes.

God is real and he’s an uncircumcised cock on a shy giant.

König’s erection is searingly hot. Soft skin and hard core, jerking in your palm, leaking steadily, nudging at your hand, insistent. Your brain is working full steam and connections necessary to utilize common sense are still not being made. Slowly, you tighten your hold on him, the weight of it is so imposing, you wouldn’t be surprised if imprints of the veiny surface were branded onto your hand once you withdrew. If you ever withdrew. You should fucking withdraw.

You do not withdraw. Instead, you slide your hand up slowly, choking up on the head of his cock before dragging your grip back down. You chance a glance up at his face, watching his Adam’s apple bob with each laboured swallow. The poor man’s jaw clenches and relaxes while you slide your palm over his flesh again and again. Somehow, he hardens further and your eyes widen impossibly larger, the pit of your stomach doing somersaults at the idea of where you want that thing to go, what you want it to do. You get fevered flashes of König bending you over the massage table in your mind, hands on your hips, rutting without sense or logic into you, so hard the surface scrapes against the floor, all while he sobs, his overwhelmed, overstimulated tears splashing against your back while he rearranged your insides. The head of his cock is exposed every time you slide your hand down towards his pelvis. By the third peek, you’re dragging the pointed end of your tongue over the tip of his dick, licking against his head, and coating your mouth with the taste of him. He grips at your side harder, his fingers digging into your hip as he chases the warmth of your mouth. He keens loud, almost mewling when you pull off him, using your spit to ease your hand’s path. By this point, your handiwork is audible, noisy and wet, König’s voice filling the small room. You use your free hand to guide his head to your chest, letting him bend toward you, press his nose into your tits while he begs for you to finish him.

“Are you gonna come, Mr. König?” You thread your fingers in his hair, letting your nails scratch against his scalp, drift down to his nape and up to his crown again.

“Yes, please, please. Fuck.” His voice is reedy and thin, and he wraps his arm around your waist, burying his face deeper in your chest. And then his whole body trembles, and his hips roll towards you, and for a fleeting minute you consider edging the poor bastard, sliding your hand completely off his cock and watching it twitch violently, uselessly in the air.

But he begs so sweetly. And his next session was already pre-booked.

The hand you kept on his head leaves his hair, and you rub the head of his cock with your flat open palm, jerking him off with firm, fast strokes. He bites down on the curve of your breast, and you’re grateful he still managed to retain enough brain cells to not break skin.

“Do it then. Come, honey.” You trill, feeling his tears wet your skin through your shirt. It’s almost instantaneous, so fast it’s kind of impressive. His body goes bowstring-tight, and he squeezes you so hard it almost hurts. Ropes of sticky white seed shoot from his cock, covering your hand and his spasming abdomen. You slide your hand up, milking just the first two inches of him through his orgasm, until he stops your movements himself, covering your hand with his own.

When you finally break contact, you stare at your hand for what feels like ages, thick beads of his cum rolling down your palm, sliding to your wrist. You extricate yourself from his hold, using your clean hand to brush his sweat damp hair from his forehead. You press that kiss you wanted to the space between his brows. Why start restraining yourself now? His body shivers periodically, and you turn to the sink, to wash your hands clean, clenching your own thighs together, his moans and sighs echoing in your mind. You turn to face him, grinning wide and cheery,

“So...I’ll see you next week?”

hoe, you are getting fired! at least you got a man outta it though.

support city girls who love gummy worms, reblog what you like.

find the rest of the masterlist here.

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largetaytertots · 1 year

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my aesthetic secrets

this upload is a very informative video, especially for new sims 4 content creators. I reveal my camera settings and camera tips. I also share most of my default replacements for a more aesthetic game. watch it here.

download links

aesthetic mods:

◦ missing plumbob by @mintvalentine ◦ no highlight by fogity ◦ smaller mosaic by lemememeringue

lighting mods:

◦ sunblind by @softerhaze / instructions ◦ into the light by @lotharihoe ◦ out of the dark by @lotharihoe ◦ no glo by @luumia ◦ no blu by @luumia ◦ serene reshade preset by largetaytertots / instructions

cas default replacements/mods:

◦ vanilla default skin replacement by @luumia skinblend recommendation: ◦ gaia skinblend by @divinecap ◦ whisper eye default replacement by kellyhb5 ◦ daydreamin' pet default eye replacement by @nolan-sims ◦ no ea lashes by cien z roza eyelash recommendations: ◦ 3d lashes ver. 6 by dreamgirl ◦ 3d lashes by kijiko ◦ 3d lashes by katco ◦ @serenity-cc female underwear replacement by largetaytertots ◦ @caio-cc female underwear replacement by largetaytertots ◦ simtimates default replacement underwear by joyceisfox ◦ male feet replacement/socked feet by @cyristal-art ◦ female feet replacement by @dissiasims / toenail polish add on ◦ toddler/children feet replacement by necrodog ◦ female/children socked feet by @simminglena ◦ infant prop override by @simbeeez infant default replacements: ◦ infant rug override by nervelli ◦ infant toy default replacement by largetaytertots ◦ infant heart patterned bath override by @simbeeez ◦ rubber duck override by @channel4sims-cc ◦ baby bottle default replacement by @sixamcc

adult default replacements:

◦ laundry pile default replacement by largetaytertots ◦ folded laundry default replacement by largetaytertots ◦ eyeliner override by qmbibi ◦ lip balm default replacement by largetaytertots ◦ morphe blush palette default replacement by largetaytertots ◦ juvia's place blush palette override by qmbibi ◦ lipstick default replacement by largetaytertots ◦ mac lipstick override by qmbibi ◦ nail file default replacement by largetaytertots ◦ iphone 12 override by @nuribatsal ◦ airpods2 replacement by @nuribatsal ◦ airpod max default replacement/accessory by nickname ◦ razor default replacement by largetaytertots

home default replacements:

◦ ceiling tile default replacement by wykkyd ◦ remote control default replacement by dynamus ◦ ps5 / ps5 controller default replacement by simmerwellpupper ◦ better console games: ps5 edition by simmerwellpupper ◦ coffee bag default replacement by @channel4sims-cc ◦ coffee art override by @annachibisims ◦ cutting board override by @channel4sims-cc ◦ food retexture 1, 2, 3 by @apricotrush ◦ soda can override by @yandycc ◦ override ea utensils by @somik-severinka ◦ robot vacuum default replacement by @asteria-sims ◦ cleaning spray override by @dudleystrailer ◦ mop default replacement by largetaytertots ◦ adoption pet carrier default replacement by largetaytertots ◦ pet leash default replacement by largetaytertots ◦ rake and shovel default replacement by largetaytertots

world default replacements:

◦ ghibli cloud replacement by @miikocc ◦ san myshuno billboard override by @simstwink ◦ vehicle default replacement by @blvck-life-simz ◦ moon replacement by @yakfarm

youtube / tiktok / twitch / patreon / gallery id: largetaytertots

#the sims 4 mods #sims 4 default replacement #sims 4 overrides #cc finds #my content

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maidragoste · 1 year

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Things I think Jacaerys Velaryon would do if he were your boyfriend

This whole week I was thinking about Jacaerys so I ended up writing this

Reblogs, likes and comments are always appreciated. I hope you like it 🥰🥰💕💕

Disclaimer: English is not my first language so I apologize for any mistakes.

•Let me tell you that if English is not your first language then Jacaerys LOVES it when you speak in your native language. He is always very curious about the difference between their languages, he asks you if some words have a different meaning in your country. I see him going to the supermarket with you and at some point he starts asking you what they call a certain product in your country.

•Jace would work hard to learn your native language. Most of the time his pronunciation is clumsy but every time you hear him speaking in your native language you feel like you fall in love with him ten thousand times more.

The word he knows how to say best is "I love you" because he never stops saying it to you.

•If you are vegetarian or vegan I can see Jace searching the internet for good places to go eat together. He loves trying new food with you.

Plus his house is always stocked with a couple of vegan products. One time he got mad at Luke because when you came to see him there were no more of your vegan cookies left because his brother ate them and didn't tell him.

•Sometimes when you feel like painting your nails but you're in lazy mode Jace ends up being the one to do it for you. The two of you talk nonsense while he carefully runs the polish over your nails.

•Every time he sees a tik tok from a series or a book that he knows you like, he sends it to you.

•Whenever you're too caught up in studying, Jace reminds you to hydrate and eat something. Most of the time he orders something from your favorite fast food place to give you a pamper after so many hours of studying.

•I see Jacaerys as someone very touchy. Every time you go out together he can't be without holding your hand or his hand around your waist or at least hugging you by the shoulders. He needs to have you close.

•After seeing your reaction to letting his hair long. Jacaerys stopped wearing it short. He loves seeing how nervous you get every time he catches you staring at him. He always teases you by making you pout and he loves kissing you.I only know that Jacaerys pretends to forget his clothes at your house but in reality, he does it on purpose because he loves to see you later wearing his clothes.

•My man has two playlists about you. One with all your favorite songs and another with the songs that make him think of you. In the latter there are these songs:

"You can hear it in the silence, silence, you

You can feel it on the way home, way home, you

You can see it with the lights out, lights out

You are in love, true love" — You Are in Love, Taylor Swift.

"Cause all of the small things that you do

Are what remind me why I fell for you

And when we're apart, and I'm missing you

I close my eyes and all I see is you

And the small things you do" — Those Eyes, New West.

"I wanna be your vacuum cleaner

Breathing in your dust

I wanna be your Ford Cortina

I will never rust

If you like your coffee hot

Let me be your coffee pot

You call the shots, babe

I just wanna be yours" — I Wanna Be Yours, Arctic Monkeys.

I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you

(I can never look away)

I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you— Daylight, Taylor Swift.

Taglist for all my House of the Dragon works:

@chaotic-fangirl-blog @venus-flytrap3 @ajordan2020 @iloveallmyboys @sweethoneyblossom1 @fudge13 @crystal-faith @cicaspair418 @tita004 @ichanelvxgue @snowprincesa1 @joyouart @rosey1981 @alastorhazbin @papichulo120627 @apollonshootafar @jasminecosmic99 @diorchaiamet @partypoison00 @camy85 @fluffly @rebelliuna @bxdbxtxh15 @impartinghades @targaryenmoony @thegirlnextdoorssister @angeliod @snh96 @aleemendoza2425-blog @lizlovecraft @natashaobo @nyenye @savagemickey03

Tumblr won't let me tag them: @arabis-world @nzygftoji @lauufeysonnn @Snileykiddie08 @pictureofcaroline @sydneyyyya

@minaxcarter @marytargaryen @bugheadkids @missusnora @sabi127 @buckysmainhxe

If you want to be part of my taglist

hotd masterlist

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littlemssam · 6 months

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Mod Updates & Translation

As always delete old Mods Files and the localthumbcache, when updating my Mods!

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SimDa Dating App Hook Up Calls should work on Rent Units as well now

Entrance Fee on Community Lots | Custom Lot Trait Added Rent Units to Residential Blacklist/Whitelist Tests

Better Autonomous Homework Added Rent Units to Residential Blacklist/Whitelist Tests

Personal Objects (Computer, Tablets & more) Added Rent Units to Residential Blacklist/Whitelist Tests

Unlock/Lock Doors for chosen Sims Added Rent Units to Residential Blacklist/Whitelist Tests

Ask to Cook/Bake/Grill/Mix Drink! (including Cupcakes and Experimental Food) Added tests so Bake, and Cook Grandmeal for me only shows up when the required Packs are installed

Small Laundry Overhaul - Doing Laundry On Community Lots Costs Money Small Tuning Tweaks

Small Laundry Overhaul - Put Laundry In Inventory On Community Lots when changing Clothes Small Tuning Tweaks

More Buyable Venues and new Venue Types Added Multi Unit Venues to the Non Residential Tests, so Money Loot should not be happening on those Lots

RSM - Vacuum Time and Autonomy Changes Not in Inventory Addon should work on Rent Units as well now

RSM - Auto Brush Teeth Added Support for Rent Units

RSM - No Shoes at Home Added Support for Rent Units

Other Mods - Homework Tweaks Sims with the Research Debate Skill should do their Homework indeed faster based on Skill Level

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Translations Only

Autonomous Gardening - Added Polish Translation by Aarathiel

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My Site with all possible Download Links: lms-mods.com

Support Questions via Discord only please!

#littlemssam #sims 4 mods #updates #translations

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twodogs-twocats · 4 months

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Sleep Token as Roomates

For whatever reason, my Sleep Token fixation has chosen to lodge itself in my brain in the form of a New Girl-esque scenario…

Translation: You and all four band members are roommates. Annnd there is definitely romantic tension with every one of them.

Content Warning: very little justification for any of this. Just my 🌈imagination🌈

POV: fem reader

Vessel:

- the one everyone thinks is in charge.

- the most fun one to do chores with. he will get them done, but have a good time along the way. car karaoke on the way to get groceries, dance parties in the kitchen while cooking, playing the floor is lava while vacuuming. he will always try to make you smile even during the most boring of tasks

- workout gear everywhere. he’s got a pull up bar installed above his door, where he does shirtless pull-ups every morning. you only watch sometimes…

- honestly, probably always shirtless in general

- the best smelling of the bunch. lights incense and candles on the reg

- always doing little things to impress you. like as soon as you come home, he starts playing piano, or doing pushups. and then will pretend he didn’t know you were home when he catches you watching

- likes to come up behind you. if you are standing at the kitchen counter, he will reach around you to grab something, with his chest pressed up against you. he uses his size to his advantage, and he gets the sense you like how big he is

- paints your nails sometimes. and sometimes wants you to paint his. black polish only

- a very good cook. often cooks family dinners

- a bit unhinged, but I could see vessel borrowing your clothes and jewelry. like going to bed in your tshirt or stealing some of your rings for his shows

- honestly, I just picture roommate vessel as a generally soft goof

- the one who’s actually in charge

- very clean and organized. keeps everyone else in line (if you know the show new girl, to me, II is a quieter, scarier Schmidt lol)

- he’s the best listener. when you have had a rough day, he will listen to you vent for hours. or if you need help making a decision, he will help talk you through it. he gives 100% attention to everything you say

- he will surprise you with finishing little chores for you. you’ll come home to a freshly washed car, or your laundry already folded

- a plant guy. always brings home plants and takes very good care of them. runs your little family garden

- morning person. this man is up at the crack of dawn and has already accomplished about a dozen things before anyone else is even up

- enjoys learning about your hobbies. if you are a reader, he wants to know what you’re reading. if you’re trying to learn something new, he will help you practice

- toxic trait is that he would be the most jealous if you ever brought someone home. like very openly hostile

- light touches. like he tries so hard to keep it platonic, but you’ll feel his hand on your back when he walks around you, or his fingers will linger on yours just too long if he hands you something

III

- the messiest of the bunch. like he will help out with cleaning, but if anyone is leaving laundry or dirty dishes around, it’s this man (often causes little spats with II)

- loud and fun. he is always singing, dancing, playing music. when you get home he will greet you with a big hug. his goal in life is to make you laugh

- likes to braid your hair. and you help him with his space buns

- takes the longest in the bathroom for sure. He enjoys regular bubble baths, and often teases you that you are welcome to join him

- when III’s energy has come down a bit, he is a master at chilling. Im talking movie nights with popcorn and candy, building blanket forts with lots of pillows. (he will sometimes try to sneak an arm around your shoulder. Not unusual for you two to end up *platonically* cuddling on the couch)

- the best dancer. You always bring him when you go out dancing or to a concert.

- the most openly flirty. will always compliment your outfits and tell you how beautiful you look.

- he will also find any way possible to touch you, even when it’s completely unnecessary — hugs when you come home, putting his hand on your knees when he’s talking to you, and occasionally even kissing you on the cheek. he especially loves to see you blushing and flustered

- tinkers with his guitar into the late hours of the night. the sound often puts you to sleep

- the most “bro”-y of the roomates

- like the only one of you who will ever put sports on tv (and you all complain and tell him to put on something else)

- the house barista. makes great coffee and is very particular about his process.

- you like to take naps with IV. You both will pile on the couch and fall asleep watching some stupid comedy. you often end up with your head in his lap and his hand resting on your waist.

- has a bit of a staring problem. he is the most obvious one about checking you out, and he does not seem to care if you notice. when you get dressed up, he will give you a full head to toe scan, and then proceed to stare at you like he wants to eat you (and he probably does, of course)

- enjoys going on walks with you. might not say much, but he always has a good time

- adds lots of artistic touches to the home. buying art or cool knickknacks to add around the house. this man has excellent taste

- the most protective of you. makes sure he knows where you are at and who you’re with. installed a lock on your bedroom door so you could have some privacy. (but he kept a key for himself, you know, just in case)

Etc.

- you definitely have a black house cat, and II is definitely the cat’s favorite

- your living room has been taken over by musical instruments. there is always, always music playing in the house

- all the boys are great at comforting you when you are sad. I could see any one of them holding you while you cry

- big family movie nights. all the boys love movies, so you will all regularly get together to watch something

#sleep token #sleep token fanfiction #sleep token headcannons #vessel #iii #II #iv

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hannahssimblr · 29 days

Text

Wise behaviour, I decide, is sleeping it off. I pass out in the tent for hours, oblivious to the festival chaos, and wake disoriented and in no better spirits once the sun has dipped beneath the hills. Half awake, I trudge towards the showers and wash my hair and teeth under cold water before wandering off to find someone to hang out with for the night.

It’s Joe and Kasper I find first, laying into hamburgers that I cannot understand how they can stomach. After what I saw spew out of me today, I’m not sure I’ll ever enjoy solid food again, but I sit with them while they polish them off, finding that I can handle the eating and the finger licking if I completely dissociate and think about the way my palms feel until my mind is free from all thought, and every emotion is vacuumed right out of my being.

I maintain it for a while, that blank feeling, and when we finally meet with the others to see Foo Fighters at the main stage, I stand there like a ghost on the outskirts of the group while Jen throws me the occasional withering stare.

“What’s wrong with you?” she whispers, as we try to find a decent place to stand.

I shrug. “Dunno, really.”

“Why are you acting so weird?”

“Am I?”

“Yes.”

“Not trying to.”

“And where were you all day? I texted you like, ten times, probably. It was like getting a grim insight into what it’s like to go out with you.”

“What’s that mean?”

She scoffs, “Please, how you’d disappear for hours when Michelle was trying to get in touch, and reappear with no explanation, like, a day later? No wonder she was paranoid.”

I frown. “Thought you refused to talk to her about our relationship, the same way you did with me.”

And she rolls her eyes, “oh, come on. You really think she didn’t bring it up with me? Endlessly? And you know what? She was right. Not texting her back for a whole day was a really shit thing to do.”

“It was because my phone died. Half the time I couldn’t remember where my charger was.”

“You just didn’t want to talk to her.”

“Sometimes I don’t want to talk, Jen. In fact sometimes it's better for everyone when I don't have to.”

Her face reddens. “Well then, you should say that, instead of just going mute on people. It’s not nice.”

“I said it this morning!” As my voice rises a few decibels, Evie turns to look at me, and I only meet her eyes for a split second before returning my glare to Jen. “I told you I’m not up for talking.”

“Well, fine, but tell me what you were doing today. You look awful.” her hand comes to my face and I knock it away.

“Stop. Don’t touch me.”

She rears back like I’ve spit at her. “Jude.”

“I just don’t want your hands right in my face.”

She stares at me in outrage. “You're treating me like a criminal for being concerned. I just wanted to spend time with you today, that’s all.”

“Well, look. I’m not always going to be here. You’re going to have to find someone else to hang out with eventually, so you’ll need to stop depending on me for company all the time.”

Tears spring to her eyes. “Oh, my God. You’re being rotten. When you’re like this-”

“Don’t talk to me then.”

“I’m allowed to talk to you. You’re my friend.”

I roll my eyes. “Fine, talk then. Chat away. I'm listening.”

Her chin wobbles, but her eyes harden. “You should be ashamed of yourself, by the way.”

I raise my eyebrows with mock enlightenment. “Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

“Because, whatever about how I feel today, but you’ve confused that sweet girl, okay? I’ve been with her since morning, and she’s devastated that you’ve kissed her and then essentially run away and hid from her like a scared child.”

“Did she say that, Jen, or did you just make it up so I’d feel guilty?”

“That’s the fucking subtext.”

“The subtext, is it? Oh, excuse me. The fucking subtext.”

“You can’t speak to me like that.”

“Christ, I can't say anything, can I?”

“It’s not even about me, by the way. What about Evie? Huh? What about-”

“Oh, my God.” I make a sound, this hollow, frustrated hack like the imitation of a laugh. “Stop hounding me about her, right? I’m sick of it, all day, all the time, begging for details. It’s nothing. It’s meaningless, so just leave me alone.”

“It’s not nothing. I know you well enough to tell when it’s-”

“Jen!”

“Fine.” She marches to join Evie, who, after one more anxious glance in my direction, murmurs something to Jen that I cannot hear.

“Yeah. I think he’s just in one of his moods.” She snips at volume, flashing evil eyes over her shoulder. “Don’t worry about it. He woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I had to see him like this all the time at school. Just ignore him.”

I scowl at her, and she scowls back even harder before whirling around and pulling Evie into the crowd, and as far away from me as they can possibly get.

Beginning // Prev // Next

Corresponding LG Chapter

#lucky boy 2010 #joy and fun times all round #he's actually rotten here lmao #but he always looks cute with that stank face on i can't lie

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sirfrogsworth · 2 years

Text

The Babylon Bee School of Comedy

Have you ever wanted to make Elon Musk reply to you with a double cry laughing emoji?

If you crave that sweet billionaire validation you need only follow this carefully crafted conservative comedy content creation course for that powerhouse of online satire... The Babylon Bee.

Soon you too could be bootlicking billionaire balls with the rest of The BBee writers.

Are you ready to get your learn on?

Let us Bee-gin.

The number one most important rule that all The BBee writers must internalize to their core...

Conservative comedy abhors effort.

Brainstorming for hours on end to craft the perfect premise and punchline... is for the Libs. Check out this Facebook meme that got 10,000 likes.

Can you order Starbucks from a bar? Doesn't matter, it's a snowflake drink for a snowflake Lib.

Does this joke not have an actual punchline? Doesn't matter, get lost you stupid Lib!

Is this technically a joke by definition? Doesn't matter, if you believe it is a joke, then it's a joke! Just like modern currency.

If you put too much thought into a joke, it might grow in complexity. That could be confusing! The death knell of any conservative joke are the words, "Hmm, that's a thinker."

This brings us to rule number two...

NO THINKERS!

Let's take this Ben Garrison comic as an example.

Spell everything out! Label everything! Don't leave anything to the imagination! If your audience has to figure something out or draw their own conclusions, what fun is that?

Conservatives want to hear things that are familiar. They want their beliefs parroted back at them. You must regurgitate those beliefs and then just make it *sound* like a joke. Don't break new ground or introduce new ideas. Don't get all caught up in interesting wordplay or clever puns or subverting expectations.

All expectations should be fully verted.

That is definitely a word because I saw someone use it on Facebook. End of research.

Here is a helpful tip. If you can't imagine the joke coming out of the mouth of late night comedy genius GUTFELD!, then you need to dial it back a bit. Do not surpass GUTFELD! levels of humor. GUTFELD! is your touchstone.

youtube

Oh, GUTFELD! I laughed so hard I FELD it in my GUT.

See, I went too far with my fancy pun. That is not the GUTFELD! way.

But what happens if inspiration is fleeting and you can't pay attention to your comedy writing task because you don't believe ADHD is real and thus you are unmedicated?

Don't you worry. If you do happen to get writer's block or are distracted by a funny Pepe meme or a shiny object, just call your racist uncle and say the magic word... "Bidenflation."

As the ensuing unhinged rant darts from subject to subject without any kind of connecting theme, just start writing down every right wing buzzword you hear. Then just insert those buzzwords Mad Libs-style into a derivative joke format.

Let's practice!

Ex. 1: Why did the PRONOUNS cross the BORDER? To get to the DRAG QUEEN STORY HOUR!

Ex. 2: How many GENDERS does it take to GROOM a lightbulb? Two! One to hold the BUTT PLUG and one to GO WOKE, GO BROKE.

Great start! I'm sure with a polishing pass those will make more sense. Or not. The bar is pretty much "will it get clicks?" so we're not too worried about coherence.

Heh... Mad Libs.

U MAD, LIBS?

Get it? Cuz Libs are always mad? About the normalized bigotry and whatnot.

Jokes are always better when you need to explain them.

Oh! That's another rule. Write that down. Wisdom like this is why I am teaching this course, of course. Hah, that's like that horse show song. I got jokes coming out the wazoo. Wazoo is my butt, right? Siri, is wazoo a butt? Oof, I'm kinda spacing on what the next lesson is.

I really wish Matt Walsh hadn't flushed my Adderall down the crapper.

Can I get a second opinion? Top Gun was so good. What does Tom Cruise think about ADHD? He always has good takes on stuff like this. Did I leave my oven on? Shazam, what song goes doodoo doo doo doooooo? Can you vacuum a yard? Has anyone tried that? That sounds more like a marijuana thought than an ADHD tangent. I should double check the THC content of that cotton candy vape juice.

I'm flyin' off the rails over here.

Matt, are you super duper sure it's not real?

Okay, fine. I'm an "energetic boy."

I hope whichever fish absorbs my meds is extra focused on whatever fish shit he needs to get done.

COMEDY WRITING!

Sometimes it is best to learn through observation. Let's eavesdrop on an actual The BBee writer's room to see how the sausage is made...

"So what did your racist uncle have to say?"

"Well, first he texted me a cameraphone picture of Trump as an astronaut that he wants me to print out cuz he doesn't know what a crypto wallet is... but then he said all the woke schools are turning kids into a bunch of gay commies."

"EUREKA!"

Classic! The BBee writers strike again. I mean, they aren't striking. There is no commie clamoring for a union at The Babylon Bee. That's for damn sure. FOCUS!

Do you get the joke though? With the kids and the gay and the communism?

Because all of those woke schools totally cover complex economic theories in 4th grade and all it takes to turn gay is a little persuasion from a teacher with green hair. Libs of TikTok wouldn't lie about that. End of research.

Look at this public school teacher!

I mean, you knooow she has a litter box in her classroom. I can just sense it. End of research.

Sure... it is just a context-free picture of a person with green hair in front of a flag and you cannot actually judge the quality of their teaching ability from this. But yoouuu knoooooow she is skipping right over grammar lessons and giving detailed instructions on how to turn gay.

Step 1: Look at a bunch of butts. Step 2: Touch a bunch of butts. Step 3: Gay sex a bunch of butts.

(Replace butts with cooches for lesbians.)

Grooming accomplished.

And you definitely shouldn't look up that green-hair'd, nose ring'd educator and research her any further. Extensive research is for the Libs, bro. Because you definitely don't want to discover she is a passionate high school English teacher who makes fun content on TikTok in the hopes that people will buy things off her wishlist so her students will have a better learning experience. I mean, caring about her students? That's so gay.

YoooOOOuuuUUU knnnooooooOOOw she is a bad teacher because she has green hair and a flag. End. Of. Research.

So... you have your gay communist headline that is perfect to get all of those sweet conservative clicks. But you still have a full webpage to fill out with more words and stuff.

Now I want to see if you learned anything from my perfectly focused and informative teachings. I want you to write some jokes about kids becoming gay communists.

Ready? GO!

Joke #1 Little Billy has wealthy parents so all the students will share his cookie at snack time.

Joke #2 At the beginning of the day, students pick a new gender out of a hat but all the kids fight over Attack Helicopter.

Joke #3 At lunch, the students have to stand in a peanut butter and jelly bread line.

Joke #4 The teacher makes the kids take turns combing each others' hair for a grooming session.

Wait a sec... are those... THINKERS?

No no no no no! You made my brain all confused and thinky!

You need to calm down, you overachieving silly billy. You forgot the first rule... NO EFFORT.

Just make the same joke over and over again with slightly different wording. EASY!

Remember the classic final rule of comedy...

Jokes always get funnier the more you repeat them.

Anyway, that's probably enough... joke.

Now let's close this article out!

Maybe we can drop the pretense this is comedic satire and just do some hardcore pandering. Gotta own the Libs, amirite?

Gender theory and drag queens and guns, oh my! That is pure pander-monium.

Just shove those factless tactless Tucker talking points straight down their gullet. They'll forget this was supposed to be funny and shake their fist in the air with exaltation. And it's definitely a great idea to put the thought of gunning down drag queens in their heads. That won't backfire in any way!

Congratulations! You are now ready to "write" for The Babylon Bee.

Please purchase this official Trump NFT certificate for $99 that acknowledges that you have completed this course and have a very poor understanding of what satire actually is.

End of research.

#long post #trigger warning #matt walsh #transphobia #homophobia #satire #babylon bee

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