#punkrocksoapoperas

[crmsnmth]

Write What You Know

They say that you should write what you know But when the only thing you know real well is sorrow It gets to be difficult to swim in miserable words But I found myself here, again and again Sitting at the desk with a keyboard and a pen Staring into space, reliving scenes again

I'd rather write what I don't know I'd rather become one with the fantasy But like the junkie gets sick without his next shot I can't find words to describe what it's like to smile But I can write about her smile time and time again Because her smile turned into the catalyst The catalyst of how I learned that misery was easier to know

[crmsnmth-journal]

4/17/2024 11:12 PM

I person I used to know back in middle school hung himself last night in his shop. Luke. His brother, Sam, was the one to find him this morning, hanging from the rafters. I cannot even begin to imagine that kind of pain. Nobody knew, but rarely any ever does. I've been on that road before and had incidents in the past I was lucky enough to have survived those very dark periods. We weren't friends. Me and Luke, I mean. He was two or three years younger than me, and the only reason we probably ever spoke was because we rode the bus together. When Pokemon was at it's peak in the begiining we would play a basterdized version of the trading card game. He left behind a kid. I could never do that to Milo. I could never leave him here with more questions

[crmsnmth]

The Horrifying Concept of Time

As the pat gets larger and the future gets shorter You'll realize that we're all running out of time Making resolutions to change like coocoons I got my wings just so you could cut them off Transubstantiation Eat of my body, drink of my blood

The clocks ticks are far from infinite That second hand will just keep driving Gears and perpetual motion machines keep the baton twirlers in step left left, right, left left left left, right, lift

Stop staring at the clock You'll only manage to slow everything down And I'm sick of molasses on waffles Buy some fucking syrup and I'll gladly cook again That was the deal Keep things rustic and ugly

Each step we take is one step closer to the grave And that's why those who can't walk may live forever Wired and on fire Roll me down that hill I can't run up it

I'm out of shape this time

[crmsnmth]

A Letter to Someone I'll Never Talk To Again: Part One

Dear "Muppet"

Most people start off a letter by asking how you are, but I don't want to waste words on something that doesn't affect my life. I hope you're doing well, but it's really none of my bsiness in the end. I wish like hell that that wasn't true, but wishes are for wishful thinking. You know me, always the life of the party.

I haven't changed all that much since our time. Okay, that's a lie. I've changed a lot. See after you left, and everyone watched me go down, I vowed to change. That I would someday change back into the person I was at my happiest. I thougth that's what mattered, being happy.

The problem with this fool proof plan was that I was a fool with guesses. I was at my happiest with you, so that means I'll never be that person again. That person is officially dead and buried and his rotting corpse is why my breath stinks to badly in the morning. It leaves a foul taste too.

I knew you were with him during the last month of our relationship. I always wonder if you ever figured out that I figured it out, playing Sherlock Holmes but with a far less interesting story that you already know. I knew he was there while I was at work. And I bit my tongue because I loved you so much. I loved the person I had fallen in love with.

That person I fell in love so deeply with, was different than the one you were at the end. And I guess that's kind of a given fact since you were fucking someone else while we were in our relationship. I've had some bad relationships, the one after you especially difficult, but one thing i can say is that I've never once cheated on any partner I've had. Even if I wanted to, I never did it. Not even has payback. I didn't really give all thought about it.

Why would I? It never mattered what you did. From the very first time you stepped into that bar to the very last time you walked away from me, I knew I was yours. I was yours and I would do anything for you. So I even forgive you for all of this stuff too.

That doesn't mean I wasn't a problem too. I was caught in a delusional world I had built in my head, and I wouldn't get out of it until you left me. I think that was the shock that snapped everything into place. The catalyst, you could say. I was a liar and a con artist with the charisma of Charles Manson. I could get anyone on my side before you. I used those skills. I did it constantly. Tell a lie, something so far off and unreal that was obviously lie, and I'd wait for sometone to take the bait. Once they took the bair, the game was on and I ould try to convince someone that I was right, even when they knew I wasn't. It worked more often than not, and looking back, that frightens me so much. I was so good at it. Either that or everybody was somehow in on the joke. I did it too twice that I can think, but that number should be higher.

I really lost it after you left. And you saw it. The last phone call I ever got from you was the morning after a very awful evening. I don't remember the evening. I was mixing cocaine and being black out drunk. Somehow, I managed to piss everybody off and was taken outside to get the shit kicked out of me. You called the next morning, after hearing abot the beating and my awful behavior. Yout told me your roommate was super pissed at me. I tried to apologize on Facebook and maybe find out what happened, but he read my message and proceeded to block me/ That was it then. That one less than a minute long phone call.

They'll be letters soon, but for now I'm tired and my eyes itch behind my glasses. Time to start the ritual you loved so much in the beginning but by the end hated. And that's how it goes. People change, and there is absolutely nothing one could do. Our time together meant and still means almost everything to me, and at the way it's going, I'll be seeing you when my eyes close for all of eternity. Even without well-respected no contact clause. I almost broke when I came across your picture in a box of random papers. But I didn't. And the number I refuse to delete from my sim card may not even be your number anymore. I've probably gone through 100 different numbers since yo split.

I have to stop now, or I never will.

Love You Until the Sun Explodes, "Peanut"

[crmsnmth]

I am a Horrible Person

I am a horrible person And I have done horrible things I have conned and lied my way into bedrooms into backrooms into places that I shouldn't have been But I had a knife for a tongue and my growing cynicism with life made slitting wrists far too easy

I have tricked the innocent I have fed them poisoned food from my hand And I kick my feet up on my desk to watch them drop to the ground with foaming mouths And I made them love me while it happened Because everyone loves a lovable asshole At least according to anything with a screen

I have lied to those I love for no reason other than I could I've always been one to test the threshhold and I wanted to learn what makes them tick Even when they confronted me with evidence I could get them to believe in whatever story I could tell And most of the time they weren't believable But I was a god complex away from a cult leader and my charisma was water for the thirsty

I have stolen things Things that have no reason to be stolen A nik-nak from some house party I snuck in Or most likely conned my way through Stealing little pieces of other people's lives As if the sentimental value was worth something to me And even I have no sentiments in my boxes No reason other than to make someone else lost at least for a moment or two I just liked the thrill

I am not the sum of my mistakes A reminder I say in the mirror every morning That I have grown and learned empathy even within my darkened apathy I am a better human being then the selfish person I was And I won't ever forget a single thing I've done But I'm learning how to forgive myself for some

[crmsnmth]

Liar.

Whoever told me that "everything would be fine" Whoever told me that "things are going to be okay" I hope you stub your pinky toe into the legs of the coffee table every night And I hope you step on a tack every time you take off your shoe

Liar.

[crmsnmth]

Hearing Aids

Did ever hear me in the silent moments where sounds seems to vanish as ash in the wind the kind of silence where you can hear the blood running through your ears and your bones creak and clash as you stretch your limbs (snap, crackle, pop) Did you ever hear my silent declarations?

Did you hear me in fits of laughter tapped with mischeif and wholesome criminal behavior The kind of lauhg that makes you feel your going to suffocate and the Ha's and the Ow's become interchangeable (like wooden blocks) Did you hear my laugh with your yours

I hear you in the silence and I hear you in the laughter I hear you in bad love songs playing on alternative rock radio (I don't care if Monday's blue) I hear you in the very wind that stole my name

Did you hear me mumble softly into your ear at the first seconds of the sunrise I spoke words of devotion, of romance, or love, of my confession I was yours I whispered promises of happiness, of joy, of protection, of undying love And I wonder if you ever really heard them (or just a high-pitched squeal) Did you hear my mush-mouth words?

I heard every word you've ever said to me Learning everything like my starring role script I live through them again and again and again Making little notes on the screenplay pages

I can hear you clearly, as if you were whispering in my ear and the very thought raises gooseflesh up and down my arms (it's goosebumps, you pretentious prick) I shiver as I close my eyes and go through all the conversations all the speechs all the promises and even all the lies but my favorite thing I ever heard from you

"I think I love you."

[crmsnmth]

There is a Crack in the Universe

There's a crack in the universe and it is as beautiful as it is frightening What could be on the other side?

There's a crack in the universe and it seems to get bigger day by day by day How do you stop something like the apocalypse?

There's a crack in the universe and it bleeds with blue and red and green lights What tool caused the tear in the first place?

There's a crack in the universe and when it fully splits we will know will if form the darkness of a balck hole?

There's a crack in the universe. There's a crack…

[crmsnmth]

Hope/Denial

The difference between hope and denial is only in the smile or the frown Hope and denial stand hand in hand With skeletal gray fingers bulging with blue veins They clutch tight and their nails dig into their palms Blood brothers made in the solitary hours Those hours that seem as still as ice and just has frigid

They circle in orbit evenly matched pulls the balance comes from facial movements holding back tears and laughing heartily into the sky Sometimes int the very same moment Hope is always there to piece denial back up like a jigsaw puzzle finished and thrown on the floor Becoming tiny pictures of a larger picture All that time and effort wasted and sadly, I think of you

[crmsnmth]

Love That Grows Old

An old man helps his wife to sit even though he shakes slightly from the weight his become an elder and his body shows But he doesn't wish for the days he was young He helps wife to read the menu since she forgot her readers The waiter sets down two cups of coffe And the old man pours cream and sugar into one stirring with a spoon he places it front of her And she smiles at him like she did when they met and he can't but smile back at her I watch this unfold, alone in a booth And I guess I want nothing more

I want a love that grows old

[crmsnmth]

Congratulations

I stumbled on your wedding pictures Congratulations I'm glad to see you found someone

I mean that in all sincerity from the very bottom of this haunted heart It's good to see you smile again

I hope he treats you well and I should probably apologize for treating you bad I'd say I'm sorry but you know how empty those words can be especially when sliding off my liar's tongue So I won't waste your time with words

I thought this would be much harder Because that's usually how it is with goodbyes Just a nod and wave, just acknowledging

I stumbled on your wedding pictures You look happier then I ever made you And he looks happier then you ever made me

[crmsnmth]

Petrichor

I step outside just as the summer rain stops falling The world is wet And has the sun peeks from behind the cloudy sky Everything shimmers, like jewels still in the mine

I love the smell, and I light a cigarette to chase it away The sound of water dripping into puddles and asphalt makes it's own quiet and calm natural music The world can be be so prepossessing and I guess even I, the misery poet, can see the shine

I watch a car drive through a puddle and water splashes up onto the sidewalk

I start off down the street I've got no place to go, but I can't sit inside anymore I'm sick of being tired and alone And I've given it up and now I'm just looking For something For anything to do

Water drops fall off the branches above and a drop hits my skin, so algid It makes me shiver

I keep walking, keeping my head down and my headphones up I'm not in the mood to talk to strangers especially in the fog that's building right up off the ground

So I hide it as I spend another night walking alone

[crmsnmth]

I Ache

I ache, even within my dreams the dull throb of my black and red heart following into worlds of clouds and dimensions of fire I always find myself right in the middle'

I ache, in a way that I can't explain A phantom pain that comes attached to bittersweet memory. The kinds of things better people would push aside I find myself in a constant state of duality battles.

I ache, in a strange dark place That is hidden in the library of my brain Over time, I've forgotten where they all are but we can look together if you'd like. You gave me Serotonin Syndrome

[crmsnmth]

The Desperation of Being Unheard

I open my mouth wide to scream but all I can seem to muster is a quiet whisper Frustration soon proves to be my long lost lover somehow combined with my absolute worst enemy Don't tell me I've got this, I always seem to drop anything of importance

Watch this regard be my shattered glass Dropped from the roof of our building And the pieces cover the sidewalk, a trap for the barefoot Everything I do ends up in between the black and white And I'm getting so absolutely sick of monochrome dreaming

I'm trying to get it out, to share what's within Somebody once told me that's all I can do But I can't even seem to figure out this trick So I speak in silent teardrops Can anybody see me? Please, someone help me to remember I'm alive I don't want to be buried just yet Just check with the mirror under my nose see if I'm still breathing, if I add fog to the snow

My lungs are deflated but I never got anything out I resolve myself to long nights and red flags I swear these colors aren't worn to disturb you And she had enough and took my voice with her Ain't that a kick in the little mermaid? So, I deflate along with them And find myself back in my room alone With the noise of TV shows I hate speaking more than I'll ever know how to say

Shut up, man. Nobody's listening anyway.

[crmsnmth]

I Really Don't Like This Person

I sometimes wonder if it's too late for me If all the things I've used to try and be better are worth the effort or the chunk of time Because sometimes I find that I still wonder if it's a case of too little, or too late I'll fix the grammar in the morning

The one thing I can say I truly regret with the smell of cinnamon whiskey on my breath Was lying to you just to prove that I could I can't blame you for make your way out the door I just wish it was wasn't the last time I'd see you But why would you want to be friends with someone who can't even figure out the difference between twisted fantasy and an even mrore twisted reality I'm sorry only counts as one rosary bead I've got more than enough left to go

Is redemption really all that worth it When the one person who'se forgiveness I need won't even pass a glance my way She doesn't even know I still exist

It has to be too late for me, friends so take my story as a warning a cautionary tale about love and loss and what isolation can feel like

[crmsnmth]

The Road To Redemption (Part 1)

The first step on the road to redemption is acceptance This is a rule that cannot ever be broken It took me forever to admit I am usually at fault That my mouth runs faster and the friends I had, followed me with baggies Always prepared to clean up whatever shit I left in my wake

I accept that I was once a horrible, uncaring, selfish person I accept that lies were my laungage and I told them for fen I accept that I am a pervert and a prude, sex is dirty but it can be fun I accept that I am not a good person, and on average nobody is

The second step on the road to redemption is a will to change A will to become better and always strive to better then you were And I have that desire it is my fuel and the friends I used to have all laugh at my boast They should, I'm the boy who cried wolf

I accept that I played mind games just to see what I could get away with I accept that I once stole for the adrenaline and not because I need it I accept that I took advantage of my friends doing anything with me I accept that I had no problem fucking them over in the long run

The third step on the road to redemption are the dreaded apologies Because we cannot heal from something if we do not take charge There's no responsibility if you never stake the slaim on what you down I've apologized a million times to every single person I still talk to They don't believe I'm chaning

I accept that my brain is broken and there isn't any way to fix it I accept that medication will be a party of who I am for the rest of my life I accept that my actions have directly hurt someone, even strangers I accept that I am not a good person and I never was I accept that I am not a good person and I never will be I accept that I am not a good person

But i damn well can try