crmsnmth

[crmsnmth]

Tearing the Wings Off of an Angel

You were the only one who would not let me hate myself

Holding my hair back as I vomited on another drunken night You used to have so much faith in me and you never let me put myself down a full-time job 24 hours a day You were always on call

You deserved better than what I was and I’m forever ashamed that I made you lose your smile your light your radiant glow I watched it fade as you realized I’d never change that I’d never be what you thought I was If I die, and I got to hell my biggest sin will

Tearing the wings off an angel

I did eventually clean up my act but it really doesn’t matter because I don’t blame you for never coming back I had the chance to keep your heart next to mine And I chose the drugs every fucking time

I was a black hole of a person sucking the light from those that loved me And no apology will ever make up for those late nights for the fear that I was going to die for the scars on my arms and the scars on your mind I hope they healed well

[crmsnmth]

Under Water

I hope these words are an influence Just a few short lines for a stranger to see Something that shouts in your face pick up the pen You can do this too

Crumpled notebook paper in the trash Scribbled and scratched and aged Sentences shared in hope No one should ever feel this broken

Is it my fault? I don’t know, I haven’t decided yet And a big part of this journey is all about indecision Take these words has a hand to hold A life preserver in water that’s so shallow We don’t even realize our feet are on the bottom

The thoughts spiral creating a whirlpool that sucks you down You see that flashing cursor? Make it race with every single thought in your head Don’t you stop now I have all the faith I can have for you Even here with the downward pull

Our heads will remain above the water

[crmsnmth]

In the Final Stretch

Not a single day goes by where you don’t cross my mind And even far away and forgotten You always manage to make me smile I see my face in yours In pictures all the time I wish you knew just how proud I am of you

This separation is almost over and you’ll be flooded with every gift I’ve stashed in the closet for you And I’ll know you Like I wish I could

I made this choice and I still stand by it even with the awful circumstances that it inevitably created I knew the consequence and I still faced them

Someday, I’ll tell you the whole tale Just so you can understand why why I’ve missed five birthdays five Christmases Why I didn’t get to watch you row I have no excuses, and I know right now you probably don’t know I exist I’m sure she never tells you about me and that’s her choice

We’re in the final stretch and by the end of the year I will scoop you up and hold you and this time,

I will never let go.

[crmsnmth]

Crash Diet

I’m slowly fading to just skin and bones Because I’m terrified to be alone I can’t force an appetite to make a play My anxiety crash diet is here to stay it’s been a week since I’ve eaten much A couple bites here and there for energy Is this depression or am I in a rut? Like everything else, I blame anxiety

Swirling thoughts in my mind Begging the universe to give me a sign Still shedding weight without the workout I’m not even sure what this is about Somebody please tell me what to do Give me an answer I can hold in my hand I’m never sure I’ll make it through broke the hourglass yet kept the sand

My veins bulge from under the skin looking to days that were about heroin And I wonder if I didn’t do this to myself Spent my whole life creating my personal hell What else can I say? It doesn’t matter anyway I wish you could get a look inside my head I never knew that this is the price I pay Clinging to life because I’m terrified of death

[crmsnmth]

This is Just an Update/Note 7/16/2025

So, I just wanted to explain why my output as dropped so low, and I'm not annoying everyone with my usual nightly splats of words. I would say it's pretty obvious (because I talk about them constantly) but I have some mental health issues, and I do take medication. Some of my worst symptoms are not just the noises and movements out of the corner of my eyes, or the insomnia or blah blah blah. The worst part of it all is this fixation that I'm dying, or that I'm going to die. I know most people think about it every so often, and that is normal. At least, I think it is. I wouldn't really know. But for the last few months that fixation won't leave my head. To the point where I've gone to the hospital for chest pain (my heart and lungs were fine) and kidney issues (according to them, again, I'm fine) and the latest would be this absolute fear of contact with a bat (there was no contact, not physically.) I know how dumb that idea is because, like I said, there was no contact between it and me. It doesn't help the fact that I have a major phobia of the harmless little creatures. And it's not really a phobia of the creature, but the disease that 1 in 1000 carry. I have dealt with extreme panic attacks the last two weeks that aren't letting me sleep, making me see symptoms that aren't really there, or can be explained easily. I've talked to my state's nurses' hot line numerous times, and each time I talk to them, they tell me I'm ok. They said I didn't need to go in (that came directly from the director of our states department of epidemica or something like that. I have been told by numerous doctors and numerous other people that I'm fine and that it's all in my head. Today, I have an emergency therapy session and tomorrow I see my psychiatrist and we're going to look into what I can do for this obsessive thought pattern that just won't quit. I'm really sick of numerous panic attacks a day, and I'd really like to get some actual sleep. Anyone have any ideas of what I can do to stop this? I haven't been writing as much, due to this, which shows how it's effecting my day-to-day life in a pretty miserable way. I don't know why I'm sharing this. Maybe because I want to scream into a void and see if that helps at all. I'm not dying. I'm just convinced I am.

Thanks for the ears/eyes and the support. I appreciate it more than anyone could ever know. -crmsnmth

[crmsnmth]

Panic Attacks

I feel my chest collapse in on itself With the overbearing weight of a thousand worries And it feels like I can’t get a breath My shaking hands hold tight over my heart Trying to get a count of it’s elevated angry beating Inhale Exhale Not enough I just can’t expand them anymore

The back of my head aches in a new way as the skin feels so tight and I find myself in the bathroom staring at the man in the mirror and wondering just who the fuck that person is cause it surely can’t be me

My heart races trying desperately to escape the prison of my rib cage I can feel each pump in my engorged veins and it hurts and it’s so very loud

My eyes drain leaving puddles of salty saline tears all over this bathroom tile Just a wet reminder of a broken brain

My hands tremor and I drop everything I hold And I’m trying to concentrate Focus, man, you’ve got to focus Giving pep talks to myself but they don’t do anything to stop this

Ride it out Every day I have to ride it out Because they happen everyday Therapists and psychologists Shove more little pills down my throat It doesn’t stop the feeling that I’m going to die

this vessel is unchecked electricity shocks along every path of my nervous system

Somebody, anybody, just lie and tell me this will end

[crmsnmth]

City Kid Back in the Rural

the sweet smell of fresh cut hay hangs in the humid central WI air And the bees and the butterflies share with every flower sometimes the even share a petal

It always seems to remind me that I need to stop, and take care of myself Cryptic messages from Mother Nature

I don’t think I belong here I don’t think I deserve this kind of peace Besides it’s so hard to fall asleep without the sounds of trucks and sirens

My heart belongs on the sidewalks that I can walk for miles I belong on street corners leaning up against the street lamps Flippin' a coin and counting the moths above

But the city is dangerous creature and it chewed me up and spit me up A hair ball in high population Be careful not to slip in it you could break your neck in the fall

I still walk the alleyways in my head the path’s I took still etched deep in my memory They always lead to a dealer’s house No matter what district No matter what neighborhood my paths lead to nowhere

But for now, I’ll play it safe I’ve somehow learned to be afraid to die so I sit at the end of dead end gravel road On the roof watching the stars and smoking cigarettes

I’m a city kid now a gothic in the rural you should how fast those necks snap Everyone hat stares, deserves the whiplash

Will I ever make the decision to risk it all and go on back or will I die in the same bed I had in my childhood.

[crmsnmth]

Father's Day

Sometimes I completely forget your gone at least for a few moments after my eyes open to yet another day I dial the number but the numbers not valid and I’m reminded that your not here anymore And it hurts, just like it did on that cold January day

I sit back down on my bed, as my legs don’t want to work I put my face in my hands and I cry I sob I laugh

Remember that time we were fishing off the dock and you dropped your brand new pole into the clear twelve to the lake floor We had chewed some mushrooms up hours ago and fishing turned into both of us trying to hook the pole which is hard enough has it is but it’s even worse when our eyes were twisted dreams

Remember when I took you to see Motley Crue as probably the best Father’s Day gift I could give and it was more fun than it’d be This was before you and I ever found solid ground Seems for us, we share in the way a guitar sounds

I know I wasn’t the best son I lied (what a shock) and I stole from you I had no respect for you until I finally lost everything and realize that we weren’t meant for that relationship You wanted to by my father and all I wanted was a dad

You were more focused on my brother the golden child, but my god we all fall and he’s just like us I’m betting that was the problem we were too alike But we got over it and the last few years we reconnected as father and son laughing together, not expecting a car crash Does anyone ever?

I cried the minute I saw you I think I knew what was about to happen there was no hope in I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye opting just for a see you latter pop

and now the smell of hospitals make me sick Your always on my mind I could use a little advice old man Who’s more important to haunt then your dumb ass loudmouth gothic son

[crmsnmth]

The Philosophy of Sobriety

When I quit drowning myself in brown liquor putting the bottle and learning to see straight again There are some things they just don't tell you. How do I make friends and meet people? Without a beer or two I'm too anxious to talk to anybody I don't know so every pretty face I want to know is just my brain torturing me Because it thinks no one wants to meet me And I just can't figure out what words work When they're not being added to a page I wish I could speak as eloquently

When I gave up the needle, and started letting blood be the only thing pumping in my veins it took a long time to lose the longing of course I was going to miss my escapes And I’ve held on, and I’ve had my missteps why the fuck is relapse the 13th step? Is it just that every junkie will fall No matter how hard we try? What’s the point then? I’m serious What’s the fucking point then

Excuses I tell myself that make it all ok I don’t have to fight has hard has I did but it’s always there the want to get drunk and drive in oncoming traffic If I’m going, I’m taking all you with me We’ll celebrate in Hell

I think I’ve got this now it’s been a long time since I fell but still, some days the itch is there and I distract myself with thoughts that I’m dying maybe I am Maybe tonight will be the last time I go to bed At least it won’t be my fault I don’t want to replay the feeling of an overdoes

I never stay Because I’m always tempted willpower defended

[crmsnmth]

If It Doesn't Bleed

as you stitch the last stitches and I take my first breath Are you proud of your creation? A monster somehow surviving without the beating of a heart You created this abomination

You stare and watch never believing you’d see this day but here I stand, taking stock of the place I sit on the cold steel table and my feet hit the floor with heavy boots running my fingers over the scars of my face

You speak with shaky voice unsure just how the living dead would react At first I can only grunt while my brain wakes up but soon I’ll speak and I don’t think you’ll want to hear it

I look down at my hands with engorged veins and I wonder if it’s blood or chemicals in my heart You won’t tell me how you created it as if I didn’t already know I was born with that information I’m supposed to be dead I was never supposed to come back

You watch in shock and awe as I walk around this dungeon room taking stock of everything within how could you do this to me? How could you make me into this? Did I deserve this?

I don’t want to look at you already facing my rebellion phase and I shatter the window slicing open my hands and I don’t bleed

and that gives me all the answers.

[crmsnmth]

A Midnight Picnic

the grass is wet with dew as we lie on our back, watching the night sky we had to drive out of the city for a long time to escape our natural habit of light pollution but we brought a blanket and we brought the food Such a bummer that we couldn’t find a basket

There’s two half empty glasses of red wine as we watch the stars shoot across the sky they promised us a meteor shower and it’s absolutely wonderful Her hand in mine, eyes to the sky The kind of silence that money can’t buy It’s perfect here, in this field her truck parked behind us on the side of the road

We laugh and we talk and we kiss and we keep watching for UFO’s to fly by I’ll shine a flashlight in their general direction and hope we get the video right

And between shooting stars I look at her, and her eyes reflect the show it’s even more pretty to look at it when I see it in the shade of ocean blue and I’ll think to myself wondering just how I ever got so lucky How privileged I am that she’s here, with me on a midnight picnic in the middle of nowhere

She looks at me and smiles and I kiss her soft and slow Gentle caress to an owl’s call and even with the mosquitoes biting all over We’re still here, burning down heaven

We pack up our blanket and decide to head back home such a perfect evening the kind that bad poets write about

[crmsnmth]

Cynical Love Poem

Someone much wiser than me once told me that love was the most potent healing drug and I always liked the way that sounds even knowing it’s just total bullshit Because love is dangerous

Love is a sharp blade, riding the skin opening portals to let any infection within Making scars all over an already beaten body I thought love was important, but she treated it like a hobby

I laugh at the thought that love doesn’t hurt it hurts more than anything I’ve ever known I’ve been left for dead by the one’s I let in By the one’s who claimed to be my home Call it whatever you want it doesn’t change the facts

Love is poison, swallowed greedily down Quick acting and now I’m on the floor She once swore she would love me until the end but it was the end that she kept in store she wanted less and I begged for more

Love is the weight of the barrel in my mouth my shaking fingers not squeezing the trigger And though it’s become all that I’ve ever known I still can’t seem to finish the job I never was one to complete a project

It’s the whole idea of falling in love that makes my heart scream in warning tones the alarm goes off as I fall in love with yet another stranger Knowing it’s so much better if I remain alone at least there’s safety in no numbers

Love is beautiful and ugly at the same time In the beginning there’s nothing better than those kisses but by the end of the ride we resort the day by throwing dishes and she broke my nose with a coffee mug Lost the deposit because I bled on the rug

And maybe these ideas are just my way of protection A way to remember what always seems to happen I want to love, but it’s better if I don’t

[crmsnmth]

To Go Through and Back

Thirty seconds in and the smoke pours out my lungs Leaving a taste that vanished as quickly as it came And now the world shifts I find myself staring at a kaleidoscope of neon shapes and Cheshire cat grins There’s no turning back now

I feel it grab me, from the center of my spine and I am flung through glass that shatters as I pass I’m not here anymore, I’m there with beings I can’t begin to comprehend They speak to me in a language I somehow understand are these the voices that have always been in my head

I feel safe and terrified at the same time I didn’t know what to expect but I know it wasn’t this I’ve never been on a trip like this This is something more then fractals and ego death this is a glimpse into a new dimension

They show me gadgets that move and writhe as if they were made of living flesh the schematics are unreadable but somehow I understand what it says I’m confused and fused with the knowledge of a new world Exploring the next stage

And with a push I am flung back back to my sleeping body on the bed I come in with a crash as the glass fixes itself and now it’s just images burned into my brains This was the first time It won’t be the last time Sometimes I want to talk to god and I think that’s where she is

“How was it?” He asks with an excited grin

“Holy fuck.” My short and perfect reply

[crmsnmth]

I Want You To Know

I just want you to know that I would have never given up on you I would have supported every move you made even if I didn’t agree I would have wanted you to be completely free I don’t make rules It’d be pretty silly if I did

I wanted to see you touch the sky and I still believe that if anyone can do it it’s always going to boil down to you Even if I’m on my hands and knees offering my breaking back as a step stool You deserve so much more than just the world just for showing off that crooked smile

I want you to know I still think of you and it always brings me to a better place be it the nights we spent rolling on your bed or the long late night walks around the park I visit those places and I can almost remember just what it feels like to actually be happy my fabled ghost emotions

I hope you’ve been having a wonderful life the kind of life that everyone dreams of I hope it’s filled with love and joy and peace and art and more I hope it’s everything you ever wanted

I want you to know that I’m sorry I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you thought I’d be I’m sorry that my love for you wasn’t what you wanted I’m sorry I was just a waste of a year I’m sorry.

[crmsnmth]

Conversationalism

Conversation is a skill that must be practiced and I’ve forgotten how I don’t really talk anymore Making myself a mute by choice It’s all based on the past Back when I had everything I could ever ask for

There’s no use in making new friends Because I can’t get over the one’s that I miss Who would believe that we’d separate so bad when we were practically stitched at the hip And I still scratch at the scars I have made Sometimes I even find a stray stitch still there

Growing old for me means growing lonely I’m accepting that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing And I’m not sure that I ever did I gave it all, but I really didn’t have much to begin with At least now I can fully admit it

Solitude is easy to get used to but there’s always the bite of being lonely Trying to connect with people but only living on the mouths of strangers Is this a discussion or can I claim my prize? Either way I have nothing to add

[crmsnmth]

Untitled #134

Covered in gasoline and I light the cigarette that sets me to blaze Do you like the view? Don’t fucking lie to me I know you do You’re into watching me burst into flames You get off as I become ash I’ll got out in silence

Black smoke fills this room and I can hear you coughing over the roar and as I give in to the raging heat I laugh Your going to suffocate from natural pyrotechnics How’s that for irony?

Consider it my last ever gift to you

[crmsnmth]

A New Adventure Awaits

The Skype call ends and I find myself staring at my own reflection I look exactly how I feel

We have this call every single night because who could believe 30 miles apart would seem like crossing the Atlantic and there I am, still swimming

But thank Al Gore for technology or whoever, I never claimed to know This is our versions of portals when I see her face and her room and she’s smiling and I’m laughing

I used to swear this was the girl I was going to marry that velvet box is the proof

Tonight, though, after I hear that sound is where I make my one big gesture It’s time to move To move away from this town that’s treated me so well Everybody knows my name That crazy kid with next to no shame And I took pride in knowing I was a top star singing shitty karaoke at the bar

I spend a few hours just looking at the size and where I should park this weary body She has a real life, and I have a joke It’s only natural that I follow her home

There’s no guilt yet no goodbye’s to be said because only two people know I’m leaving and that’s the way it will stay

I ask my best friend to spread crazy rumors after I vanish If I’m gonna fake my death, let’s fake it with some dignity

A week later, I slept in her bed for the weekend and told her what my plan was and she threw her arms around my neck and held me close and kissed me like I just got back from war maybe that’s exactly what this was and when I eventually found something a line cook could afford I was there, without so much as a wave to the city I was abandoning I hoped they could see my reason were noble there’s nothing I won’t do for love

and waking up with her next to me makes this all worth it all the awkward speeches all the attempts at making friends in the city, I don’t have a name I thought a fresh start for me might help how could I have guessed this was my personal hell?

I’ll asphyxiate has I inhale polluted air but I promise you I belong here, next to you