#quite literally when you say oh my god he's insane he wrote [too many things to name] about me <3

[yououghtaknow]

feeling myself Actually move on is insane..... what do you Mean i don't want to cry every time i see her????

[littlelcvestory]

thank you @wesperbrekkered for tagging me even though im so inactive on like all my fandom accounts 😭😭😭

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

i have 13 :)

2. What is your AO3 word count?

29,858 words 😭 thats kinda crazy for me ngl

3. What fandoms do you write for? 

my main is six of crows! my ao3 still has my fics from when i wrote solangelo tho lmao

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

sparks fly (whenever you smile) with 268 (wesper)

we were in screaming color with 244 (solangelo)

Doctor Death (god this fic is so old i hate it 😭) with 236 (solangelo)

i wanna teach you how forever feels with 221 (wesper)

time can't stop me quite like you did with 205 (i wrote this for a school assignment, it's from the book they both die at the end)

i strongly dislike this list mainly because of solangelo being on there and how long ago i wrote those fics because theyre really bad now 😭 perhaps leave more kudos on my wesper fics :)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? 

YES it makes me so happy that people enjoyed what i wrote. i'd like to say it's author fuel but i have not touched any of my fics since august but they ARE author serotonin

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

it's either time can't stop me quite like you did (because he literally d!es) but none of my SoC fics have angsty endings, because none of them have endings. haha

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

uhh i'd say it would be i wanna teach you how forever feels purely because it's a cute domestic post-ck wesper

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i dont think im widespread enough to have haters on my fics tbh 😭

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? 

nope, i am literally 16 !! although i have written a few very intimate passages but theres also taught you the way you call me baby which is the closest i'll ever get for now

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

my wesper romeo and juliet au like fire and powder that i havent touched since august! this was like my most big brain idea ever but i'm torn between discarding it and starting from scratch or continuing as it is right now

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? 

i dont think so, and i hope not !

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? 

no :)

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

also no

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship? 

wesper. next!

15. What’s a WIP you’d like to finish but doubt you ever will?

THE ROMEO AND JULIET AU I AM CRYING i need to continue it as soon as possible oh lord

16. What are your writing strengths?

not sure tbh! i do find writing dialogue easy but it also leads to my downfall sometimes which i'll explain in the next question

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

inner monologues, because they jump around too much and i eventually stray from the original thought. or anything thats not closely tied to a character ... i'm really strong with character driver things but if you hand me a plot, i'm gonna struggle (which may be why the r&j au is failing LMAO) and how i said with dialogue, it ends up being dry and makes the scene move a little too fast. i'm really bad at slowing down scenes 😭

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? 

never done it before hehe

19. First fandom you wrote for?

percy jackson, i think

20. Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

my romeo and juliet au because its the most ambitious thing i ever tried to accomplish. i really want to get back to it because i'm still so intrigued by the idea of it and i was shocked i wrote 10k for the first chapter but it felt like it was being squeezed out of me... i'll do my best to get back to writing i've had insane weiters block (no thanks to school 🙄)

thanks for tagging me rae :) i'm tagging @artsypretzel @jazzythursday and anyone else who sees this and wants to do it :)

[nattyontherun]

I just read all ur naruto fics and I feel insane.

Me about fictional characters: they get me.

I absolutely refuse to be emo in someone ask box but screams at you so much.

“How much do you lose to mourning, when what you lose is everything you’ve ever had? How can you acknowledge yourself, when all you have left to acknowledge is the you who never grew past your hurt? // Existence was ruination, to Sasuke. Existence was the slow descent into insanity.” I’m literally rolling around on the floor thrashing around. Hearth fire (and the rest of the series) WRECKED ME by the way if you even CARE. Me when the parallels in a fic to my life literally grab my by the throat and stab me but also wrap me in a warm fuzzy blanket and pat my head. Literally sent me deep into a very contemplative mood after reading it.

“… would have to live on because if not him, who?” “…because mourning, in its own way, is a form of safekeeping.” Hello I have died.

Also I don’t mean this in a derogatory sense but when I went to ur ao3 profile and read u have a psych degree I was like. That makes so much sense lmFAO.

Also also on a slightly more serious note, well it’s not that serious tbh, but I also do be dissociating and the way you described it was idk it felt weirdly good to read. I used to lose days at a time. I’m not as bad now but I’ll still lose hours here and there. I am not one to externalise things so I don’t have the capacity to describe things to people when asked but we’re I to try very hard it would probably be similar to how you wrote sasukes experience.

Oh my god tho. Oblivion. YOUR MIND IS SO POWERFUL. Your mind is literally so so so powerful. I’m shaking.

Anyway maligayang pasko at mag ingat ka 🫶🏻

This just made my holidays! First of all thanks??? I'm as surprised as you are that HF has been so monumental for me????

I've been told on a multitude of occasions that I have the unfortunate(?) habit of putting a lot of myself in fics. What I explore--thematically at the very least--is often just me chasing after the worms that haunt me in my dreams, yk? It's not like I'm a perpetually sad or moody person--quite the opposite really--but if I don't contemplate stuff I go through at least a little bit, where would that leave me? As uncomfy as it is, it's better to know yourself too much than not at all.

But YEAH! HF! Mindboggly amounts of woah topped by a surprising amount of hope? Sometimes I think I made it too melodramatic and "floaty" for lack of a better word and then I get comments like yours and I start rethinking my spirally thoughts. I just have so many OPINIONS about how canon treated everyone, but mainly Sasuke. If they weren't gonna let him die, by god give him the justice he so deserves?? He has like zero closure and an overwhelming brother complex and all canon does to fix that is say "revenge bad, here walk around some" FAWK no????

Anyways I have a psych degree! I don't use it for much rn but it's glossy and makes me feel good about myself sometimes! I like to think I'm not so obvious about it but I also feel like I always talk about it to anyone everytime so bvcedjsnj where was I going with my reply?

Right. Right! I meant to say that, as per the dissociation thing--far be it for me to claim I know anything about it beyond what I've read in a couple journals but I do tend to 'lose time" so to speak, myself? When I'm stressed or depressed or anxious or some horrid conglomeration of those three horrid things lmao. It's NOT fun, and I don't wish it on anyone, and I hope, if you can, you can speak to someone about it because suffering, in whatever way, however much, doesn't have to be a thing we just settle with yk? Idk. I wrote HF with this thought in mind that just because things can seem absolutely ass over tits at any moment doesn't mean it's always gonna be like that. I love the struggle story, I love ANGST--writing it, reading it--but there's something so devastating and inspirational about wanting to stand back up after stumbling. Human tenacity and resilience will always be infinitely more heartrending than sorrow itself or whatever philosophical way you can spin it...

I feel like I just lost the thread of my response all over again. I'm sorry! It's nearing 3am, I just got off shift, and I'm in one of those moods again... just... I care very deeply about people as a concept, and the way we mold ourselves around each other's lives until every one of our struggles is an extension of our community, which is an extension of our history and so on. I'm not super good about being in the /now/, the details of general existence aren't my best friends. But if characters get to act however the fuck they want to act, if they can build themselves back up from nothing, explore themselves in ways you or I never could, maybe never is just a qualifier we give ourselves to excuse our inflexibility and stagnation?

Something, something, the ultimate goal of the human experience will always be Self Actualization.

Anyways Anon, sorry about all the rambly philosophizing, I've probably scared you off now fbvehcskffbcrehd but you made my whole month!! Maligayang Pasko sa inyo po!!! Ingat ka lagi!!!!!!! And to whoever even bothers to read all this rambling,,,, in English: Merry Christmas and take care always, Mabuhay!

[amv1xc]

my first love.

"love" is a strong word, i know. and frankly, i'm fully aware of the fact that he never deserved me or my feelings towards him. but anyway...

i got in in contact with him when i was seventeen years old and he was twenty. we had many things in common. and the first thing, actually a person, was our mutual friend.

i knew about him for a year before we even got in contact. like i said, we had out mutual friend. the year he graduated, my friend and i met up, as we would do. she had attended his graduation and showed me pictures of him when i asked her: "so what have you been up to?"

it was near the end of june and graduations in our country take place anywhere between late may and early june. no question that she would share his graduation with me.

and that was when i saw him for the first time. he was attractive, no question about that. at all.

tall, blonde, slim and he had a man-bun. long hair. always a plus. his facial features were nice as well. he was just- well, quite perfect. i teased her a little bit, saying: "my god, he's attractive as f##k!"

she chuckled before texting him: "my friend thinks you're cute" - before taking a quick picture of me and sending it to him. now she was the one teasing me.

and a year after that, she sat on my couch at my house. once again, we were just hanging out, checking up on each other. i bought us some middle eastern food from a restaurant nearby, since her birthday had just passed and thought it would be a somewhat alright birthday gift. she's one extremely petty eater. luckily for the both of us, she enjoyed the turkish food.

and so, i brought him up in our conversation. "so, how's your insanely attractive friend?" i teased.

she replied: "oh, he's alright. recently single. wanna say hi?"

i thought she was joking. she wasn't. she facetimed him literally three seconds later. i ran and hid myself, but not too far away so that i could still hear their conversation.

i know, childish... but i was a child.

i heard him laugh when she told him that i literally ran away. they chatted for a couple of minutes before hanging up and that's when i made my way back to my couch, sitting next to her. they started texting and i would read their messages.

she sent him a picture of me from a couple of months back. i think it was a selfie from when i was on vacation in egypt. that was during the winter time, a couple of months back as we were in mid to late july.

he'd give me compliments. my heart would skip a beat or two- he was older and did i mention super attractive? she'd text him: "she's a 10/10, huh?"

to which he'd reply: "nah, 11/10" - and so that conversation would keep on going like that.

and then, he texted a phrase in my mother's tongue. he wrote a phrase that, literally translated, said something like: "my heart has tightened for you" - which basically means: "i've missed you"

he texted that when i told her to text him that i'm the same girl who crushed on him last year. she obliged and in response to her text, he teasingly replied: "of course, i'd never forget her" before sending that rather cute phrase.

i got to know that he had many friends with middle eastern backgrounds. so he had probably learnt that phrase from a friend as well as some cute nicknames he'd call me.

anyway, i needed to spend some time with our dear friend. and so i did. he said: "well, tell her to add me on snapchat then" to which i had to reply:

"i will, once i've gotten my eyebrows done"

about three days later i added him and we got in contact.

the first (and long) four months of us texting, basically before it actually became serious, i was so intimated by him. don't know why- well oh, of course i know. he was older!!! and had experience!!! and he was the absolute first guy i ever "talked talked" to!!!

so not intimated in a bad way or anything... but i would definitely retake pictures of myself before i actually sent them to him on snapchat. like, quite a lot.

and then we met up and started to... develop something deeper. well, you know how it goes. but we got serious. basically. and the first few months, about three months, were... well... perfect. you should know me by now, I like to use strong words.

but seriously, i was so happy. i liked him so, so much. and he was so cute and nice and i just... i was on cloud nine.

but the honeymoon-phase would quickly come to an end and then he would, unfortunately more often than not, start to ignore my snaps. some messages here and there. the month of may, when we had been talking for, literally over nine months, was the worst.

i felt like he just... wasn't there. i still liked him, a lot, maybe even too much. yet, i'd feel like he would get more and more distant.

that summer, literally a month after the worst month of my life (or so i thought), was beautiful. and i enjoyed every moment with him. my dad was out of the country, so he'd sleepover at my house. for the first time.

we did some... things... right... but i actually didn't lose my virginity that summer. we just never got to that part. however, we did do some other things and like i said, this was all new to me.

he was nice and never once did i feel uncomfortable in, like, a bad way. of course, there was some discomfort as i didn't know what i was doing. at all. but never the type of discomfort as in: i don't wanna be here. you know?

for whatever it's worth, somewhat i'm "happy" that my first experiences with my sexuality and sex overall wasn't all too bad. i guess.

i lost my virginity to him that september. i was happy. and by that time, you could say i started to love him. now, a year and about two months had passed since we started talking and, well, i loved him.

unfortunately, it all went downhill after that september. and a rough month later, and a couple of days in between that, he decided to- well, let me put this in a nice way- he decided that his colleague was... more interesting, prettier, more loving and I guess, better than me?

of course, i had some suspicions about him and other girls. multiple. but i just... didn't do anything about that. and it got me hurt.

my first heartbreak, that was. it wasn't funny back then, but man, i can laugh about it today. shit, that man really snatched my appetite (and literally will to live) and well, i lost a couple of kilos.

that winter wasn't fun. the sky was dark and so were my days. as disgustingly cliché as that sounds, it's true.

he texted me on christmas, a month after out breakup: "merry christmas. even if you don't celebrate it. i hope you're well ❤️"

i didn't reply.

time passed and february was around the corner and man, i was not excited about my birthday. f##k, i wasn't excited about anything in life.

i posted a picture on my birthday. he liked it. then messaged me on instagram: "happy birthday ❤️" - as if that wasn't enough, a minute in between, he texted me the same message.

i didn't reply.

i unfollowed him back in november, a couple of just days after our breakup when he basically confirmed that he had been cheating on me with his lil' colleague. i remember feeling like i would throw up, pass out and die. i didn't.

i removed him as a follower and then he would request to follow me again. then i deactivated my account. about two months passed before i logged in again on my birthday and decided to be a public account - his request then, automatically, was approved. he followed me.

then i deactivated my account again and logged in about three or four months after. by that time, i was pretty much over him. and i was kind of crushing on somebody else, but now, that's not relevant.

i posted a picture on instagram. it was early june and the picture was from a classmates party i had attended in may, the month before.

and guess who liked it.

oh, he didn't just like it. no. he shared that post to myself, dm'ing me, and texting his infamous phrase in my mother's tongue. you know that one.

i didn't reply.

this was funny. i thought that he was still dating his colleague, the same one he left me for. cheating again huh?

but apparently, they had broken up a short while before he texted me. so. well. that was that.

you know, i had a friend that had a friend who were kind of friends with him. ish. they followed each other on social media. anyway, my friend knew about him and i and for whatever it was worth, she asked her friend to see his profile. this was in march or april, while i was healing from getting my heart broken.

he had added a highlight for her on his instagram profile and claimed her in all types of ways i would wish for him to do for me. i found out about that a month prior, so may. and lord, even though i was about 85% over him... shit hurt.

my friend had taken pictures of his account and then of his highlights with her. she showed me.

a picture he'd posted on valentine's day was one i recognized. i remembered. it was from maybe october or even that stupid month november. he and his colleagues were out on afterwork. the picture he had posted, one that he took with her while i was probably sleeping in my bed dreaming of him, was quite intimate. so to say. and all this behind my back.

but at the same time, maybe this explained why i would literally feel waves- and i mean that literally- of anxiety rush through my body at random times during some days. maybe the universe was trying to tell me something. not that i listened.

but then again, to no one's surprise, he managed to fall out with another girl. obviously i wasn't the first girl he talked to. him being older and all, and well... our mutual friend had told me some stories about his past relationships. they weren't the best, so to say.

i graduated two days after posting that picture on instagram and he replied to one of my few stories that i had published that day.

"well, congratulations i guesssss"

i never got drunk at my graduation party, but i had a drink and shot, one or three, something like that. so with some alcohol in my system, the clock being close to 2 AM, and with all the anger and sadness i had bottled up from the past couple of months i just couldn't do it anymore...

i replied.

"thanks i guesssss"

he liked my message almost immediately. but didn't reply as quick. i wanted to kill myself for giving him the satisfaction of replying to his message. i feel asleep.

i woke up the next morning to a message from him, which he'd sent about an hour later after my message. it was quite long and went something like: "hahaha, sorry for that expression. just wanted to congratulate you and tell you that i'm proud of you. whatever you decide to do in life, you'll be successful in. the (my name) i got to know will get so far in life and do great things. just keep on doing you and being yourself."

he added, "this isn't me trying to get back in contact with you as i suspect that you're not interested in that. just wanted to say that i'm proud and happy for you."

i liked his message and didn't reply.

he was still following me on instagram. and so every story and picture i'd post of myself, he'd like. a month after that, in mid july, he sent me a photo of himself when he stood right outside my house.

during that same month, he posted a picture of us two, one where i was sitting on his lap at a party and had my arm around him, on his snapchat private story. a picture taken by his friend at my friends party. he had covered my face with an emoji, but not enough for our mutual friend to clearly see that it was me.

actually, i had actually posted that exact picture of us on my VSCO account. one that he had asked me to delete before our breakup, because he didn't want people at his work (spoiler alert: he meant his colleague that he was hooking up with)- to see private photos of him.

and so that was how last summer went. he unfollowed me in october, so about four to five months ago.

my first love broke me in all kinds of ways only a loved one could do. maybe i should even title this "my first heartbreak" instead? whatever.

and for the fact that i didn't deserve to be treated the way he would treat me, and so on... and he knows it... it still doesn't change the fact that i loved him.

and sometimes, only sometimes, i think back to when we just started talking. soon to be three whole years ago. it was cute. innocent even.

sometimes i miss how excited about life i was when i started to develop real and deep feelings for him. of course, it was one sided. at least i think so. i'd never hurt somebody that i love the way he hurt me.

for whatever it's worth, i just might still love the person i thought he was three years ago.

i'll never forget the butterflies i had in my stomach, in a good way, in our beginning stages.

then... well... now you know what happened after that.

[4dtk]

i rmb reading a drabble b4 about calling gojo 'satoru' and that it makes him feel human and seen. idk. i loved it a lot but i'm not sure who wrote it :( this is just a little word vomit on the same concept. i love him so much :(

just a side thing i wanted to write in between requests, hope y'all don't mind <3

"satoru, come to bed, it's late," yawning, you pat the space beside you. he's doing his nightly skincare routine, patting his face gently with the retinol serum he just bought.

"ya sure you don't want to try it out?" gojo offers out the dropper, a hairband cutely pushed up to prevent his bangs from interfering.

"i don't like slimey stuff on my face." you cringe, realising your mistake too late.

"and yet you give me your face to cu-"

"shut the fuck up," you severely miss him, pillow landing on the floor beside him. he didn't even bother to activate his technique, laughing out loud at your failed attempt.

gojo never did switch it on when he was with you. not when he decided that he'd give his all to you, not even he asked you to move in with him on a desperate full of nightmares, not when you first said i love you.

gojo satoru was soft around you, a sight that many would like to see yet only disclosing it to you. the you who got him falling when you'd hang out with his students, giving as much pointers as you could on cursed energy. that was when he decided, he's sure. but again, there were countless other times where gojo recalls falling deeper and deeper in love with you. he smiles at that, capping the skin care bottle before quite literally jumping onto the bed.

"argh! satoru, what in the hell?!" his weight was crushing you, emphasised more when he leans down to plant kisses on your features. the feigned anger turns to giggling and shielding hands which he easily seizes between his fingers.

"s-stop! 'toru!" your smile is like the first few hues of dusk. it makes him feel all warm and mushy inside, something the strongest normally wouldn't have the luxury of feeling. satoru says, fuck it, because even i deserve love, even i deserve to be held. he repeats those words you said to him the first time he broke down in front of you, and he does it all the time, now.

gojo is brought back to reality when you cup his cheeks gently, not minding the 'slimey stuff' as you caress his skin. your hands accommodate his smile, cheeks filling up with how he's grinning down at you.

"you're insanely beautiful, satoru," you say it like it wouldn't boost his ego, but you can't care much when that much is true, noticing how much his hair resembles starlight and how his azure eyes catch the moonlight so perfectly.

gojo could say the same about you.

he sucks in a breath when he hears the compliment, the familiar cocky smirk and corny line lingering on his lips. he figured it's just different when the words come from you.

"say it again."

"hm? you're beautiful, really so-" your mouth parts in surprise and the other lowers himself to your side, which prompts you to lie on your lone shoulder.

"no, my love, i meant my name." gojo pulls you closer.

"oh! okay! uhm, sa-toru?" you giggle, the name falling weirdly from your lips now that you were demanded to say it. you try again, "satoru."

your lover smiles, scooting closer, "again."

"satoru." the syllables leaving your lips makes him feel dizzy and giddy. while he enjoys being told his voice sounds like silk and syrup, he finds that it fits you better, bringing his face to rest only inches from yours.

"again."

"satoru," you whisper, a shy smile overtaking your lips. soon, they're captured by gojo's, moving tenderly against yours. you're certain you see the sky painted in many different colours before your eyes close, the mere thought of gojo sending you reeling and cheeks flushing.

gojo's kisses are slow tonight, savouring every part of your mouth before he slips his tongue in, entwining with yours as he continues to make you fall harder. it works. breathlessly, you smile into to kiss to hopefully get a bit of air, feeling the reply of a grin on your lips when his irises open up to look at yours.

"love you." you murmur, ghosting along his lips before he smashes his lips against yours again, albeit clumsily that you two let out collective laughs.

people only ever call him gojo satoru, the strongest. he's never found much identity, always a pawn for the higher-ups to play with, but when sa-to-ru falls from your lips? god, he can compare it to being caught in cupid's arms. you give meaning to his name—satoru, satoru, satoru you whisper, knowing that it meant enlighten, and he's certain that's all you do whenever you're around.

you're always lighting up his life, always loving him with no restraint.

"angel?" gojo whispers in between kisses. you respond sleepily, tracing incoherent patterns along his chest. the words are caught in his throat when you fingers go over the 悟 of his name, three syllables packaged into a single character. he didn't expect you to remember, but it breathes some life back into him when you do it over his heart. he can't remember the last time he let someone trace his name so intimately.

"your first name is beautiful, satoru, just like you," you peck his lips. "now rest, you have a long day tomorrow."

"i love you too," the other replies a little late. his heart clenches up at the sight of you, caged and safe in his arms that he isn't sure what to do with his hands. "i love you. i love you. i love you so much."

with one last lingering kiss, you both succumb to slumber in peace, with gojo satoru's first name in the palm of your hand, and his last name aching to take its place in front of your own.

[doctorofmagic]

My thoughts on What If... Doctor Strange Lost His Heart Instead of His Hands?

The very title of the episode sends a shiver down my spine. And this is where we’re going to start.

~ long post under the cut ~

A year ago, I wrote this post as an attemp to dive into one of the most important traits in Doctor Strange’s personality: love. Stephen is a being made of love, made to love, no matter which interpretation you have when you watch Infinity War. If you don’t read comic books, you’ll understand the moment you meet Donna. You’ll begin to understand how her death reshaped his entire subjectivity out of fear of failing, being powerless and unable to control everything around him (especially death), thus the arrogant and yet a disaster of a man we all know.

Where do I even start? Stephen loved her sister deeply and felt responsible for her death. And then, slowly, he also lost his parents and his brother. He fell in love with Clea but he also pushed her away. He loved Zelma platonically and lied to her, which was enough for them to break their bond. He felt attracted to Kanna but screwed things up, even though they remain friends. He was forced to kill the Ancient One, the only father figure he had ever since his father died. And lastly, the only person who would never leave his side... also left. Yes, even Wong. Stephen has SO much love to give but he’s also afraid because he’s cursed. He truly believes his love in poison. And would you look at that? What If really delivered a story where this is actually true.

What If Doctor Strange Lost His Heart Instead of His Hands?

The level of understanding when it comes to the character is... inconceivable. What could possibly reshape Stephen into following a dark path but love? The very premise of the whole episode. This is so much more than a love letter. This is literally too much, in all senses.

Fine, let’s begin.

What if the best of intentions has very strange consequences?

No. You used the word “strange” for the pun but this is not the word. Nah-ah. I’d go with ATROCIOUS, for starters. Things are gonna escalate so quickly, my friends.

Seriously, tho? Christine is SO SO SO SO beautiful, they’re so cute together. I have this feeling that MCU!Stephen was quite toxic because of his arrogance and this is why they didn’t work out. But WhatIf!Stephen???????? He’s always praising her, teasing her in a healthy way, respecting her and listening to her. HE TRULY LOVES HER, I’M GONNA CRY ALL OVER AGAIN, PLEASE, NOT THE CRÈME BRÛLÉE, PLEASE

I’m going to leave this shot here because we need to go back to it later. Hold that thought.

And bonus points to “Yeah, well, I would call that quite remarkable.” / “Well, I would say the same about you.”

GODS. THE PAIN. STOP THE PAIN.

So in this reality, Stephen didn’t caused the car accident because he was checking his phone while driving. Also it was not the reckless attempt to pass the truck. Well, maybe it was the consequence of this act? The fact is, the car behind them loses control, which makes them crash. Does it matter? We’ll learn later that no, it doesn’t.

And yep... Christine dies. Have you noticed the shattered heart? Ah, the pain only gets better and better.

Again, Stephen blames himself. More than anything, this is so important because Stephen is all about guilt. We still need to meet Donna so we can add yet another layer of guilt. But the feeling exists. This is what corrupts Stephen’s heart and soul in all his iterations. This is what makes him the character I love so much. I love this SO. MUCH. In addition, his stubbornness to accept his condition. Man won’t take a no. This, this is Doctor Strange in character. Stop complaining about NWH Stephen, it’s pathetic.

Okay, “grief-stricken”, Stephen found the Mystic Arts and became a sorcerer. That’s when he learned about the Time Stone, the Eye of Agamotto and Dormammu. Nothing changes, he saves the universe. But time does not heal his deepest wound.

I love Wong so much. Every time Wong does something, the world is healed. Really. We’re going back to him as well but for now I’ll just leave this shot.

BUT STEPHEN, DOING SOMETHING RECKLESS? HE’D NEVAH

Aaaaaaaannnnnnd then he did.

He goes back in time. It’s been two years since he lost Christine. I think he reacted pretty nicely, despite the circumstances. Now let’s go back to that shot I said I was saving for later.

Stephen is so light-hearted here. Also, during the first time he lost Christine, he had no idea what “The Price is Right” was. He knows now, which means he probably tried to learn more about the show because of her, because of grief. HAHAHA MORE PAIN

AND THEN HE

AND THEN SHE DIES AGAIN

AND THEN HE KEEPS GOING BACK IN TIME

AND SHE KEEPS DYING

AND THE MUSIC

AND HIS VOICE

AND HE TRIES TO CHANGE FATE BUT IT CAN’T BE AVERTED

HE EVEN TRIES TO STAY AWAY FROM HER LIFE BUT SHE DIES ALL THE SAME, WHY

AND EVERY TIME THEY CRASH, HE FEELS THE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL PAIN AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN, WHY

I’M-- *ugly sobbing noises*

Apparently, not.

And this scene when he simply... closes his eyes before she dies again...?

This is where this episode had me in endless tears. It got me the four times I watched it. I’m dead serious.

Okay, so, next the Ancient One appears to Stephen, explaining that Christine’s death is an Absolute Point in time. It cannot be changed. Stephen needs the accident to become the Sorcerer Supreme and defeat Dormammu.

And this is where Stephen starts his journey into darkness. “Nothing is impossible, you taught me that. I only require more power.” Disobeying the Ancient One, Stephen then travels in time, seeking the Library of Cagliostro. Now, if you’re not aware of that, Cagliostro was a sorcerer who studied time in comics, and later became Sise-Neg (there’s a recent post on this because of the new Defenders run). It’s funny to think that Sise-Neg also destroyed the world when he became a god, however he grew past his pettiness and remade reality. Stephen did not possess such power, as we’re about to see.

PS: “Stop torturing yourself, Stephen.” Naur but he should use this line like a mantra. Especially comics!Stephen.

Not gonna lie, tho. This place reminds me of the Temple of the Vishanti from T&T (of course I was going to insert T&T somewhere, it’s me).

And of course they’d go for a pun with his name haha. I don’t know how to feel about this, tho. I feel like the episode is too heavy and dark for comedy. But it is what it is.

Okay but why some books are in cages??????????? And wow, it seems Cagliostro also gathered knowledge about several fields of magic.

And then Stephen learns that, in order to break an Absolute Point, he needs to absorb more power. This is when I went “oh-oh, here we go”.

And for real, is this Shuma-Gorath? Why are they keeping his name a secret? Is this the same creature from the first episode with Captain Carter, right? RIGHT? It has to be Shuma-Gorath.

Of course he tries to be polite and ends up all hurt haha. O’Bengh warns him about love but he will not listen. “Love can break more than your heart. It can shatter your mind.”/ “Is she worth the pain?”. Please, this is Stephen. He eats pain for breakfast.

Also, also, let’s take a break. We’re finally going to get monsterf0cker tentacle-lover Stephen Strange. It will cost us everything but here we goooooooooooo (yes, I went frame by frame for your more obscure fanservice needs)

Gods, I love this sequence so much it hurts. Okay, here we go.

Shmebulock???????????

AND HE STOLE THE CAPE??????????? AND DREW THE LINE ON BUGS??????

The grasp this man is holding on me right now...

Some of you will understand. I’m with you.

And here are the grostesque ones. These are hard to take SS but I had to.

Animation, sound effects, OST? CHEF’S KISS TO ALL

And lastly... the tentacles. Yeah, if you’re new... this is a thing.

Fanservice. Fanservice everywhere. (low-key the reason I also waited to write this review, I wanted to enjoy this part so badly but I was too sad for that lmao)

Okay so. O’Bengh is suddenly OLD and DYING, until we realize that Stephen spent CENTURIES absorbing mystic beings. CENTURIES. WTF STEPHEN. He had nothing in mind but the goal to save Christine. And people wonder why he went insane???? I’m sorry, O’Bengh, but I can’t take you serious when you still call Stephen Sorcerer Armani. Oh, and also because you watched him absorb beings for centuries in silence lmao. But I guess I have to because you said that Stephen is split in two since the Ancient One cast a spell on him, splitting the timelines and making them exist in the same reality before he could travel back in time. I know, it’s complex. Anything for the plot.

And now good!Stephen has an evil!twin who wants to absorb him back in order to become whole and break the Absolute Point. Cool.

I said I wanted to talk more about Wong because I think people are not talking about him enough. Wong is so important in this episode. He’s the one who’s trying to heal Stephen after Christine. He’s Stephen’s anchor.

Also, THEY FINALLY USED A SPELL WITH THE NAME OF THE VISHANTI. HOORAAAAY

So, for the sake of our understanding, I’m addressing the characters as evil and good!Stephen. Let’s go. Evil!Stephen summons good!Stephen and gods, he still holds such a strong grasp on me... unbelievable. THE DEEPER VOICE BENEDICT USES???? PLEASE, DIDN’T WE HAVE ENOUGH?

Imagine his strength to hold so many beings inside him, fighting to control him. BRO, THIS IS TOO TOO MUCH

Fine, I’ll not post SS about the fight because I’d be here all night long but I WILL say this: NOT CLOAKIE!!!!! NAAAAAAAAAAUR

Also if you ask me if I recognize any of the spells? Maaaaybe the Flames of Faltine, the not-so-crimson Bands of Cyttorak and a little trick Magik does with her portals. That’s how far I go.

I’ll not comment on the “seducing yourself to stay in the trap”. I will not. I’ll just say that the first person Stephen thought of when “Christine” was talking about the crème brûlée was Wong. That’s it.

And finally evil!Stephen absorbs good!Stephen and releases... UNLIMITED POWER (I love when the stone goes red as if it was bleeding aaaaaaa)

I can fix him...

This scene here? Poetic cinema. (I love his wings so much)

And when Stephen says her name and the other monsters’ voices echo “Christine”, AAAAAACKKKK

AND OF COURSE CHRISTINE WOULD FREAK OUT, BRO. LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE BECOME BECAUSE OF YOUR TWISTED LOVE. I’M NOT DOING FINE.

Oh, but it’s too late anyways because Stephen broke reality haha. This scene is interesting because Stephen is the only one who sensed and/or talked to the Watcher until now. I read an interview that the Watcher kinda showed up but it’s also about Stephen’s keen senses. Bit of both, let’s say. Still, man, 616-Watcher is not that cold. 616-Watcher would watch this and say “how about I intervene anyway?”. WhatIf!Watcher is brutal.

The way Christine looks at Stephen one last time also KILLS ME, DESTROYS ME, BREAK ME INTO A MILLION PIECES.

And this is where my soul left my body.

This is how they end the episode. This is how you leave me speechless and with teary eyes. This is how you give me a whole existential crisis.

This... this was brutal to watch. Really.

What can I say after this? I’m used to reading painful things when it comes to Stephen. Aaron’s and Cates’ runs are heartbreaking on so many levels. Hickman’s New Avengers is not easier. Coincidentally, What If? Magik Became Sorcerer Supreme and The End. And now Death of Doctor Strange. And yet, after everything I’ve been through, I’d never expect to watch something so brilliant, so tragic, so heartbreaking and unexpected in the MCU. Never. This is top tier content and this is my favorite character with SO MANY LAYERS and SO MUCH UNDERSTANDING. I can’t put into words how meaningful this whole episode is to me, or how deep it touched my heart and soul.

I’ve been struggling to find the proper words since then, I still can’t. All I can add is, I cried for the 4th time now. This is too, too much, even for Stephen stans. Even for the ones who are used to pain, regardless of which media you’re into: comic books, live actions or animated movies. This is literally more than I can take and yet I’m so, so grateful. The voice acting, gods, how did Benedict manage to create a better Stephen than the one he’s literally playing in real life???????????? HOW

This episode really took the max potential Stephen had to offer as a character, added tons and tons of layers based on his grief, depression, arrogance and need to control everything and created a tragic masterpiece. In 7 years of being a Doctor Strange fan, I've never read or watch something that could go this deep into the character. The closest I can think of is Mr. Misery and the metaphor of Stephen's depression. This is a whole new level of respect and understanding. This is more than a love letter. This is peak maestry. It’s perfect, it’s heartbreaking, it’s... gods, I can’t.

Sorry for dragging you until this far. Before I wrap up this review, I just wanted to remind you all that Stephen will appear again, he will smile again, he will be surrounded by people again. So this is not the end. It was painful but be brave. We still have a few more steps to take.

[txciaz]

Hi!! So,

it's my ( literal ) first time writing fanfiction, so I'm pretty new at this stuff, but Lady Dimitrescu is all I was able to think about for weeks and I >needed< to do something about it.

( If you want some context, I wrote this thinking “what if Alcina survived?” - Alcina's pov )

———

The fall,

The end of everything you once loved

Ethan Winters.

You woke up... somehow, you woke up. The frigid air hitting your fresh wounds felt like a jolt send by reality, as if one says "you're still alive" -

- and oh how you were starting to hate that feeling.

Laying on the demolished floor of your castle, muscles twitching in pain, mouth open gasping for air... that's how you are, how you will remember yourself from now on. A defeated dragon, a crushed woman, a dead mother.

You should get up, you should let go of your carcass and crawl your way back into the warmth of your home, you should—

—you should be dead, actually. Resting on death's cold embrace along with your daughters.

Daughters.

God, your daughters.

The memories flood your mind with a painful, unbearable reminder; they're gone, dead, crystalized - gone. They're gone. Your lovely daughters, your pride and joy, the main reason you'd open up your eyes in the morning...

...Bela,

Cassandra,

Daniela....

Their names are long cold, not yet forgotten - no, never forgotten - but somewhere else, as they don't belong here anymore; not on your arms, tucking them to bed. Not on your hands, caressing their faces. Not on your lips, kissing their foreheads. Not on your tongue, as you say them.

A raspy scream leaves your throat, it sounds disturbing.

You sob, hot tears trailing down your cheeks and neck, small cries for help find their way into the wind, disappearing with less importance then when they materialized.

You cannot recall for how long you stayed at that very same position, perhaps some hours, perhaps a day, but you are certain that at some point you were overcame by tiredness and collapsed - probably the best to do for now.

xxx

And so, rises the moon and the stars watch upon your limp body, the night howling a merciful wind and singing a melodic song. Grunting, you push yourself up with your elbows, sitting up and facing the sky through the hole you've made on the roof... and the levels above...

A huge carcass sits besides you, it's wings bended on itself and it's big mouth open to whoever would like to have a peek; you probably changed back into your normal body while unconscious... Now that you can see it clearly, you notice the damage that man-thing did to you... by heavens, how were you still alive and...

Oh. The castle. You look forward, taking in the horizon - the stars look exclusively shiny tonight - you breath in, the dusty air causes you to chough a few times. Stretching your neck a bit to see your whole house, you tell yourself it looks.. fine, actually, ignoring the broken windows. The broken windows.

It's cold. You shiver harshly, panting as the air meets your bare back and rumbles through your lungs, making you hug yourself, - you're naked, you just realized - the winter in Romania is truly kind to no one.

Your legs tremble with just the thought of trying to stand on your feet. You don't rush to do it either, let the wintry breeze take in your wounds, make it sting, burn it, freeze it; freeze your body along.

“To die. To die is to live. To live without them, that's torture. To live without their presence, absent of their scents, to not hear them, nor see their faces again, that's worse than death; far, far worse. How could I ever walk into that damned house without the heavenly sounds of their laughs, the tapping of their feet as they walk free, the steadiness of their heartbeats, reminding me that my own still beats.

Beats for them. For them only.

And they're gone.

So who shall my heart beat for? Myself? No, that wouldn't do. I will rip it out from my chest if I must, sacrifice it to any god who may hear me, all so I could spend five more minutes with them. Then I'd die in peace and find them at my arms again at whatever comes after this poor life.

But I'm here.”

You still hold yourself as you stare at a castle's - broken - window, new warm tears hanging the same trail the old and now dry ones did, a silent cry.

Your intrusive thoughts were abruptly cut by a loud noise from the inside of the castle, making you jump up, gathering all your last strengths to stand and walk a few shaky steps closer to home. The more you walked, the louder the noises got; a little rustle became a bang, and your tiptoing became a sprint, you hold yourself as tight as you can, ignoring the bleeding, the cold air spiking your lungs, how insanely fast you heartbeat was. You need to get there, protect the last remnant of them you still have.

The gates felt heavy now, even for you, who would open them with one hand. Where is your strength now? The fearless dragon who'd do anything to protect her house? Perhaps she died on that fall, and now all there's left is a shadow of what you were one day.

With much pain, you open the big doors, leading to the comfort of your house; you don't get in, you throw yourself in. The warm atmosphere engulfed you like a summer kiss on a winter storm, all you needed to ground yourself to reality for now. Grabbing some sheets laying over an old counter, you wrap yourself in it – oh, that's gonna get soaked in blood, but that's not of your concern now – moving incredibly fast for someone as hurt as yourself, you follow the continuous sounds that could not mean something good. The main doors are open, the cellar is unlocked as well, that idiotic man-thing couldn't even close the doors once he finished slaughtering your home? Imbecile.

You stand at the library's door now, suddenly frozen; you know what happened in there... do you really want to get in? Are you truly ready to face it again? Maybe you should take a step back and walk away, it would be the most logical decision to take now.

But what is logic when the heart screams? What is the brain for once your emotions take the best of you? You can't walk away. Put some honor on your name. Save the last bit of your daughter that fate is still conceiving you. Your chest rises and falls completely out of coordination, your fists close around the fabric involving your body; get ready, you're going in; gather the last bit of courage you have inside yourself and blast these doors.

And so you do.

You bring those pieces of wood to the ground, the only barrier between you and the reality you couldn't accept; a guttural growl forms in your chest as you see a lycan approach your child's crystalized body; you're blind with ire, sorrow, protectorship - you name it - and it makes you shout at the top of your lungs as you dilacerate the filthy beasts you'd bat your eye at. A bloody trail of corpses marks your way through the castle grounds, your claws dripping with fresh sanguine fluid - which you can't tell if it's from the creatures or from yourself - the crimson path follows you all the way to the other wing of mansion like a spirit who must haunt you for eternity.

You scream like a feral animal, blood soaking the once white cloth around your form; the scream becomes a shriek, which descends to a yelp, ending as a furious cry. You can feel the anger leaving you, like the waters of a waterfall; explosive, big portions of water falling into a numb, deaden lake. Hopefully those waters will carry you with them, you shall fall and sink at a anesthetizing lagoon.

You kneel, eyes closed, eyebrows frowned; a loud sigh fills the deafening silence in the air, your mind is blank – better, your mind is red, scarlet red mixed with black, ire and grief. Slowly, your head lower itself so you're facing the floor.

The big Lady Dimitrescu,

kneeling on a pool of blood, defeated.

•

“Lady Dimitrescu!”

Who..? The voice was so far yet so close, you try your best to focus on the direction of the calls but your nerves just won't cooperate.

“Lady!”

Who would be calling for you? Is your mind playing tricks on you now? And since when you were laying on the floor? Too many questions for too little answers. You try to stand up, but a sharp pain on your side made you cry out and fall on your back, face knotted in pain – perhaps your adrenaline rush was keeping you from feeling what was really happening with your body, and now you feel like you're betraying yourself for that.

A small figure approaches you in a fast pace, causing you to unleash your claws one more time and snarl at the not-so-possible threat; you were hurt. Vulnerable. Letting someone close was the last thing you wanted now. The humanoid thing backs away a few steps with your aggressive reaction, hands on their chest, visibly afraid – even though your vision is quite blurry, you identify their expression: scared, desperate, sorrowful – they call out once more, almost shouting.

“Please, Lady Dimitrescu, let me help!”

Ah... Help... The now clearer feminine voice washes over you - a wave of compassion - as if hope has found its way to your house again. Well, it better go away again, or you'll drag it out yourself.

“Out.” was all that left your lips, your intense gaze locking with hers, a silent yet not so discrete warning; although you had only said one word, it was well understood by the woman, who stepped away, eyes still meeting yours, a dreadful cast hang on her face.

Still, she didn't left.

Is that girl testing her luck? It can only be. Once again you warn her: “Leave. I will not repeat myself.”

Her posture stiffens, after a moment of silence she looks at the door, truly wondering about leaving or not; her body turns around, her knuckles going white from how hard she was grabbing the fabric on her chest – she's conflicted. But why? Who is she, after all? – A long, defeated sigh leaves her, as if she knows there is no choice left.

“Allow me to help.” A failed effort on trying to sound confident; her voice is full of tears and her tone is oscillating – it makes you wonder if she has been crying – The human walks towards you, trying not to make any eye contact; you can't stand on your feet, you left hand is pressed on your injured side, the other is open and directing your now extended nails towards her.

Oh how funny it is, no?

The predator being cornered by the prey. The dragon being trapped by the rabbit. How ridiculous it is.

Her extremely shaky hands hang in front of her, trying to say she won't hurt you – oh if she only knew it's going to be the other way round. – One step closer.. Her lips and chin tremble; Another. Your claws grow bigger, eyes peering through her soul; another step, your eyebrows frown, her eyes are teary. The last step - your blood is boiling hot, your nerves on edge; you are still the predator. - a slicing sound and a half-scream saturate the air for a millisecond, just for silence to overfill it once more. Red splashes over the room again, on your face, on your chest, but mostly on the floor, where the girl was thrown at.

An agonizing scream leaves her throat - what a miracle, she remains alive - both of her hands cover her face, blood spilling all over her; what a sight, you would most definitely enjoy this very much on another situation. She cries out in despair, making you face the ceiling and close your eyes, a tired look on your face – you just want all this to end, you don't have any more patience for this. You want to crawl back into your bed and starve, you want to destroy this place, make it abandoned ruins of what one day was a home; you want to kill that damned sickening man-thing, kill this foolish girl for perturbing your grieving, and then yourself.

The woman captures your attention once again, she is kneeling, her body facing yours, her right hand presses her ripped face, the other makes its slow way up to you, although she is trembling, she manages to keep her hand steady enough to hand you a little green flask with a yellow-y label; You look closer, 'treatment disinfectant' it says... Oh you can only be joking. You feel like slaughtering the girl right this instant, but takes in a deep breath and holds the flask, her hand immediately falling along with her body. Is she dead? No, her slow yet consistent breathing exclaims that she is still alive – you honestly find it a bit offensive – You should, but you cannot bring yourself to finish the human; you should end her suffering, but now she caught your attention; and besides, she wants to help, doesn't she? then the price she'll pay is staying alive.

———

hahaaa I'm so nervous about posting this,,, ,

and yes! It is a alcina x maiden fic! I do plan it to be slow burn, and if some you liked it and read it till here, please like and/or reblog and I'll post chapter 2!

( posted on Ao3! Name: “The woman in your castle” )

( chapter 2 posted!! )

[odetojeons]

ok ok ok but what kinks do you think mingyu has 👀👀

okay so i’m gonna start answering the requests now like i didn’t disapear for one month :’) and omg i’m excited. I already said this before, I think mingyu is more of a sub than anything, but there are times. there are TIMES. when he doms it’s not too kinky, it’s more like carnal and (very fucking) rough sex in which he gets too impatient to be a good boy and grabs you by the hips, takes what he wants and just completely destroys you,, ANYWAYS, you can read more of my thoughts here. Y’all better sit down and buckle up cuz I have A LOT to say about this man (especially with how fucking much I miss him).

Praise Kink — I HAD to start with this one. I think you can all agree with me how much Mingyu loves being praised. There is actually a video of him getting red all over and whining because he got too happy when he was praised by the other members and IT’S JUST SO CUTE. Mingyu would downright meowl every time you told him how much of a good boy he is and how he’s perfect, so pretty just for me. But I also think he would love to praise you too, wants you to know you’re everything he’ll ever need.

Pet names — Idk if this is considered a kink, but please, he gives me such vibes of being into the pet names puppy or pup. We all know he’s considered the puppy of Seventeen, so I think it suits him and his personality a lot, especially because I think he would be so horny and desperate when it comes to sex. Calling him baby boy, angel, sweetheart, he would love it so much. Although he would love to call you by cute names too, and I think his favorites would be princess, prince and my baby.

Degradation — HEAR ME OUT, I absolutely think he would love being degraded. I just,, I can’t even begin to explain how much I think he would enjoy that. Mingyu is just so dirty, he would go all red when you tell him how he’s the filthiest little slut or are you that desperate for me you can’t even stay still? while he humps his cock on the pillow, too needy to wait for your touches. He could even cum just from such kind of words, in all honesty I think this is one of his major kinks ever, not just the verbal aspect of it but also the physical part too. 

Begging — Oh, yes. YES. Mingyu is all about begging. No matter how many times I think about it, I can absolutely hear his throaty and whiny voice saying please, please, please, let me cum, I have been so good, and he sometimes doesn’t even have to have a purpose or an incentive to do it, he just mumbles it without thinking like it’s the only word he remembers. It would come with the fact that he’s too horny for his own good, seriously, y’all don’t understand how much horny energy I feel this man exhuding.

Exhibitionism — We been knew how much he likes being watched. He may be shy about it, but I guess it can be related with his love for compliments. Although Mingyu would not only like people watching him, but also you as well. The way you move your body on top of him as you ride his dick, or the way he would put a hand on your lower back and make you arch impossibly more just so he could drill into you harder; the contrary of how he would cry and beg later when you edge him and tell him how much of a needy slut he is, being this desperate just because people are watching. ALSO ummm,, I try hard not to talk about other members here but, can I just say that I think him and Wonwoo are so much into watch each other fuck people. God, I even wrote like 18K words of porn of this particular thought. You can read it here.

Breeding Kink — Does this even need explanation? Mingyu would feel an almost animalistic need of putting as much cum inside you as he can. This would do as much as make him feral about it, when he has a stressing day or just because he wants to see his seed dripping out of your hole; no matter what compells him, it would get him aroused to the point where he wouldn’t even be able to wait until both of you get to the room, would rip and thorn both of your clothes off, put you on your knees and make you suck him off until he cums all over your face, just so he could fuck you against the wall afterwards. Which brings me to the next kink:

Strength/Size Kink — Well, is it possible to have a strength and size kink with yourself? Because he does. Mingyu would love to manhandle you around the place, fuck you against every surface of the house, especially if he gets to hold you up as your back is pressed somewhere. Not only that, but I also think it would be due to the movement of his hips. Or better yet; what comes after it. The way your ass and the back of your thighs would get red with how hard he’s thrusting into you, won’t be satisfied until you’re drooling because of his cock and simping for his muscles, bulging over the effort of fucking you. And I just know, I KNOW he would have a dirty mouth about it, would make questions like yeah? You like how strong I am? All this time on the gym gotta pay for something or falling appart on my big cock like you were made to, hm?. Fuck why am I like this. I LITERALLY BRING PAIN TO MYSELF.

Bondage — I think I’m writing too much so I hope y’all keep up with my horny ass, because I can’t stop until I say everything I want to say about him,, so, about this, Mingyu would love to tie someone up as much as he would love to be tied up... Okay, maybe I think he would love to be tied up more than tying someone up, if I’m being completely honest. He just gives this kind of vibes, maybe even as punishment for misbehaving, since he would sometimes be too desperate to wait like a good boy, and he knows you end up letting him take what he wants just because you would tie him up later and make him “regret” (the little shit would never regret anything, and neither would you).

Overstimulation/Edging — Oh, fucking definitely. I have this very vivid image of Mingyu sitting on a chair, hands tied up behind the chair back, legs spread and completely falling appart as you jerk him off. Flick your wrist faster and faster, just to get him on the edge and let go when he’s just there. Then, make that again and again and again, until he’s crying and begging for you to let him cum, and when you finally do, you only keep going, grip unforgiving. Watching his labbored breath of relief turn into little meowls, hips jerking away or closer, none of you are quite sure, but he wants it, saying don’t stop more like a moan than actual intelligible word.

Pegging/Anal Sex — Mingyu would be so shy about it at first. He would come to you, mumbling words you struggle to understand and cheeks burning red, until he manages to get out he wants you to fuck him. But oh lord, when he tries it out he would go absolutely insane. I really think he would be into it, into you rocking your hips and nudging your cock (plastic or not) against his prostate. Just imagine him with a dark blush all the way down to his chest, little whines and meowls that sounds too high and sweet for his own ears, body writhin all over the bed and fists clenching the mattress as his back arches. So damn cute and hot at the same time :( he just wants to be taken care of sometimes, being able to just lay down and have someone fucking him to oblivion.

Power Play — More like fighting for power to be honest. He really enjoys subbing, but when he does it he wants you to put him on his place, because Mingyu is irrevocably and completely a brat. He would tease you to the point where it drives you insane, just so you could snap at him and take what you want, as much as he loves when you do the same to him.

Spanking — Hmmm Mingyu and spanking. And he would do it hard. Full on open fingers going down on your ass until he leaves his handprint. To be honest, I totally think he’s the kind of boyfriend who would be possessive, wants his marks all over you neck and body, however, oh however, I also think he really really reeeeeally love when you do it to him. Everything, from the crescent shaped marks on his back, to the bite on his shoulder you accidentaly gave him when he was fucking you on missionary position, to the mark of your fingers on his cheek when you slap him for being a brat. Okay I kind of lost myself in the kink but yes. Mingyu and spanking.

Double Penetration — HOLY SHIT please tell me you agree with me. Like, fuck, there’s this evil side of him who wants to see you being speared open in more than one cock, wants to see you fucked into another dimension and reduced to an incoherent drooling mess, and it’s just so dirty of him, usually possessive and guarded, to let someone else get their hands on you just so he could watch you fall apart with two cocks. Or even him alone with a dildo, what it matters is to have two things inside you absolutely wrecking you. Or him. Oh shit why did I have to say that cuz now the image of him being double penetrated won’t ever leave my mind IT IS BURNED BEHIND MY EYELIDS FOREVER. Bye.

Choking — You damn right I think about his hands on my neck all the time. They look so big, and I’m sure it’s also something of his size kink, seeing his huge hands wrapped around your throat would make something ugly, something hot burn in the pit of his stomach. You doing it to him too, especially when he’s tied up, only being able to take what you’re willing to give him.

and that’s that! sorry (?) for writting too much, this always happens when I stay too much time without writting any filth,,, last time that happened, I speant two years without any smut so then I wrote 18K words of porn in two days (no, I didn’t sleep) AND I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER WRITTING HALF OF IT??? and the time before that, I simply wrote 12K words. what is wrong with me. anyways!! hope you liked it, tell me what you think and your opinions too!!

[rubysunnday]

No. Six

A/N: i actually wrote something, bloody hell (no, this isn’t Umbrella Academy despite what the title says)

Growing up in Birmingham wasn’t pretty.

Literally and figuratively.

Growing up in a family of six was even worse.

Over her nineteen years of being alive, Y/N Shelby had often wondered who or what she’d wronged in a past life to deserve being the youngest of a family of idiots. When Polly used to make her go to church on Sunday – something she’d stopped doing as soon as she could because if God was real, why was the world so shite? – she often silently asked what she’d done wrong and how she could fix it.

It wasn’t that she didn’t like her family – love was a very strong word, one that wasn’t said… at all, really – they just drove her up the wall.

Ada was the one sibling who rarely managed to annoy her - the two only succeeding in driving each other insane twice and, even then, it wasn’t for long.

Her twin brother, Finn (who was only ten minutes older but seemed to think he was a whole year older), was the main culprit behind her exasperation. He wasn’t the brightest tool in the toolbox and it often led Y/N to wonder how on earth he’d survived nineteen years on the planet without even coming close to dying.

“I didn’t mean to stab myself,” Finn muttered as Ada prodded the stab wound, he’d somehow given himself whilst chopping carrots. “I thought it was the carrot.”

“Well, they do have a similar resemblance,” Y/N replied. She was sitting on the kitchen table, legs swinging back and forth, as she tried not to enjoy her brother’s pain too much.

Finn turned his head to glare at her sister, regretting it almost instantly when he accidentally looked at his very bloody hand. “Oh, fuck.”

Arthur sighed and handed Finn a bucket, begrudgingly rubbing his back as he threw up. “Alright, you’re fine.”

“Somewhere out there a tree is working very hard to replace the oxygen you consume,” Y/N said, scooting across the table, away from Finn. “Now go apologise to it.”

“You’re one too talk,” Finn groaned, head in the bucket.

“Finn, love, everything that comes out of my mouth is pure gold,” Y/N replied, picking up a piece of chicken from the plate next to her. “You lot just never fucking listen.”

“Y/N, you’re not helping,” Ada snapped, taking a moment to glare at her sister.

Y/N licked her fingers and sighed. “I know… I’ve just got nothing better to do than annoy you lot.”

When Finn wasn’t causing complete havoc in the household, it was usually John.

Despite being married – twice – and a father to far, far too many children, John still acted as if he was a child. Y/N had lost count of the amount of times she’d been woken up by John falling down the stairs because he was too drunk to remember that they went around a corner.

Out of all four of her brothers, however, John was – not that she would ever admit aloud to anyone – her favourite. He always seemed to know when she needed cheering up or when she need someone to take her mind of things.

As a rule, the Shelby’s were not a very affectionate family, but John was the exception to that rule. He gave the best hugs – the one’s that could almost piece every broken part of you back together again – and he wasn’t afraid to show his soft side to his siblings.

That didn’t stop him from being a complete twat, however.

“I was going to ask how, but then I remembered I don’t care,” Y/N said, frowning at John who had, somehow, managed to get his car wedged between a wall and tree.

John sighed, hanging his head. “Y/N, for once in your fucking life, can you just help and not make a sarcastic comment?”

“John, you’re the one who taught me to be that way,” Y/N replied, jumping down from her car and walking over to him. “Besides, what exactly do you want me to do about it?”

“I don’t know!” John yelled, throwing his hands up. “Fucking fix it?”

Y/N sighed, leaning on the bonnet of her car, crossing her arms. “Have you tried pushing it out?”

“Yes.”

“Driving it forward?”

“Yes.”

“Moved the branches?”

“Yes.”

“Have you tried reversing it out?”

John paused, frowning slightly. “Ah, fucking hell.”

“You’re welcome,” Y/N called, jumping back into her car. She reversed it back far enough for John to reverse his car out – albeit with a lot of screeching and swearing from both him and the car.

Tommy and Arthur never, usually, caused an issue.

Well, for Y/N, anyway.

The age gap between her and her two oldest brothers meant they’d never really gotten close or had a chance to actually be siblings. Y/N rarely talked to them since neither one was around much, both off running the company.

She saw more of Arthur than she did Tommy. She normally saw him at the Garrison when she was working – because god forbid a woman who wasn’t married be allowed to work for the Shelby Company – and she was often the one to kick him out and send him home.

Arthur was more of a parental figure in her life than a brother. Y/N didn’t remember her mother and had no recollection of their father ever being in their lives – all she remember was Arthur being the one to look out for her.

“Evening,” Y/N said as Arthur sat down at the bar, taking his hat off and burying his head in his hands.

“Mmhm,” Arthur muttered, his head dropping onto the counter with a loud thud.

Y/N turned around, setting aside the glasses she was drying, and grabbed a fresh bottle of whiskey and two glass. She placed them down and poured the whiskey out.

“On the house,” Y/N said, sliding the glass over to her brother. “Well, since you own it, it’s your own shit so who cares.”

She reached over and clinked her glass with his as Arthur looked up at her, a puzzled expression on his face. Y/N looked at him and raised an eyebrow as she swallowed the sip of whiskey she’d taken.

“Oh, what?” Y/N asked, knowing the look on her brother’s face never meant anything good.

“You’re not usually this nice,” Arthur said, picking up his glass.

“Well, I am to Polly and Ada.”

“My fucking point.”

Y/N smiled, chuckling as she finished her drink. “Well, being the youngest of six does mean all concept of ‘nice’ goes out the fucking window.”

Arthur chuckled, shaking his head as he downed his drink in one, slamming the glass back on to the table. “You know, it’s still weird seeing you in here, working… living. I keep thinking you should be back at the house, in bed or getting ready for school. Yet, here you are, wearing John’s old shirt and trousers –“

“Nah, this is your shirt,” Y/N corrected.

Despite what many people thought, Y/N wasn’t opposed to the skirts and dresses her aunt and sister wore. She just didn’t like them as much. It made running and breaking up bar fights considerably harder.

Y/N had realised that Tommy and Arthur never really bothered to mend the shirts and trousers that got holes in them. They just threw them out because they had the money to just buy new ones. Y/N – who had never quite gotten to grips with the fact they had money now – always rescued the clothes from the bin or pile of scraps and mended them enough to let her wear them.

They were always far too big, but she just rolled the waist band up or wore a belt with them and it tended to do the job.

Y/N slid the bottle of whiskey over to Arthur and nudged his hand. “Don’t seem so surprised. I never quite got over the fact we don’t have to be frugal anymore, so I took your old clothes – and Tommy’s, too – and mended them up and wore them myself. Besides, I look a lot hotter in these than I do a dress. I think it’s the waist band, it does wonders for my hips.”

Arthur scoffed, shaking his head as he poured himself another dink. “Y/N Shelby, you are a fucking wonder to me.”

“Why, because I’m nothing like you or Tommy?” Y/N asked, drying another glass. “You don’t see it, Arthur, but I’m a lot more like the both of you than you think. I can just hide my hatred of the world.”

Tommy was, if Y/N had to say, the sibling she had the worse relationship with. Over the years she’d realised that she was far too like her brother for them to ever get along because Tommy just constantly saw himself in her. She would’ve loved to have a better relationship with him – she was always envious of how close Ada was with him – but eventually just realised it would never happen.

Because Y/N was the spitting image of her brother, she just hid it all better.

The one and only time Y/N and Tommy had a meaningful sibling moment that didn’t involve yelling and screaming at one another was shortly after Grace had died. Y/N hadn’t seen him in weeks – he’d disappeared off the face of the earth entirely without a word – but she’d found him one night, sitting on a hill, by himself.

She’d been out riding, gotten lost and – long story short – had somehow found herself at Tommy’s house despite starting out over ten miles away.

Tommy had looked up as she rode up to him and had frowned slightly, looking around to check that it was, indeed, night time.

“What the hell are you doing here?” He asked as she walked up to him.

Y/N waved a hand. “Got lost, long story. More importantly,” she said, kneeling down opposite him and warming her hands in front of the fire, “why are you moping up here in the cold?”

“Doubt you’d understand, Y/N,” Tommy muttered, taking a sip of his flask.

Y/N sighed to herself, sitting cross-legged on the cold grass and leaning back on her hands. She looked up at Tommy, eyes scanning him. “Tommy, you’ve probably heard the same fucking apology speech a dozen times this past week from a dozen different people. None have helped because you blame yourself for what happened.

“Our family isn’t one for affection and, well, for being nice to each other. We never used to even be able to have a conversation without screaming at one another so, whilst I’m almost certain you are high, I’m going to add this one to the list of successful conversations.

“Tommy, look. Life is… shit. But we all knew that already. It doesn’t get any easier. It gets a whole lot worse. Losing Grace will be one of the hardest things you’ll have to live with, and you will always run that moment over in your head, wondering ‘what if?’. But, what’s the point in dwelling in the past so much you forget what a gift the present is.”

“And what fucking gift is the present gonna give me, eh?” Tommy asked, glancing at his sister, his tone cold. “My wife is dead, because of me.”

“Yet your son is still alive.”

Tommy’s cold eyes flicked up to look at Y/N. His brow furrowed slightly as he took in her words. He raised his cigarette to his lips and took a long drag of it.

“Tommy, we don’t get to decide who lives and who dies, despite what you think,” Y/N said quietly, leaning forward, her face being lit up by the fire in front of her. “Nor do we get to decide who tells our story. But, your son, is still alive and breathing. If anyone is going to tell your story and be the one to continue on your legacy, it will be him.”

Y/N stood up, dusting the leaves off the bottom of her jacket. She gave Tommy a small smile and turned around, walking back to her horse.

Tommy watched his sister as she rode off without another word, leaving him and his thoughts alone once more.

[lover-of-trash-and-people]

shadow and bone rewatch s1e6 while drinking mid-range scotch

I wish I have a face that is as unlined and pretty as Ben Barnes' when I'm 39

Arken you dirty dirty liar

the face Alek is making at his lies that he knows are lies firstly because he knows the art of lying so well and also because he can read people very well

okay Ivan is kind of a bad bitch with his smirk at Arken's lies

alek's eyes narrowing and his little smile when Arken says 'im an entertainer' bitch I love this show

*grabs hand, pulls up sleeve, and discovers Arken's hand is full of marks indicating successful passages through the fold* 'well, that is certainly entertaining' I love this man with all my heart

him screaming is so fucking hot, is that weird for me to say

Nina being the Darkling's spy is quite interesting

Ben giving the Darkling crazy eyes when Arken owns up to his guilt is so cool

also wtf is Arken a fool trying to negotiate with possibly the strongest man in the world

kind of loved the darkness literally eating him

also love Alina learning to use her powers better when she is alone than when she is with anyone else, wish we got to see the cut in this season as per the books, ah can't have everything I guess

the camera pan to Jesper's gun at his side, amazing

god Jessie is literally so beautiful I need to see her bring Alina to the peak of her power so bad

netflix you better renew this series to let the plot run to its completion

HOW THE FUCK DID THEY CAST THE CROWS SO PERFECTLY

INEJ FUCKING TREMBLING JUST THE TINIEST BIT AS SHE BOWS SLIGHTLY TO ALINA SGSHSBSJJSJSSJ MY TWO QUEENS

'And where is my Summoner?' my little Darklina heart ouchie I really wish you hadn't used and manipulated her like this Alek it was incredibly fucked up especially considering you actually caught feelings

'Ivan and I won't fail you' oh Fedyor my baby, my angel, you don't deserve what is coming

Helnik literally recreating Titanic lmao stop this is a joke

I too would jump off the raft if I came to consciousness to see a gorgeous woman with magical powers with her hand on my back

omg but why is ryevost so pretty though

'I know exactly how she felt. The King's soldiers treated me the same way... I'm not myself today.' why must you do this to me, why must you fuel my darklina soulmates agenda idiocy

I don't quite think I have a problem with the Zoya Darkling relationship as much as I have a problem with the line they chose to reveal it to use with.

my drink's over and I don't know if I should have another, considering that it's 7 am

the tenderness with which he looks at Zoya and takes her hand and then when he says 'I shall relax when I have Alina' makes me believe more that the man that is reduced to tears time and again in front of Alina could in fact be the master manipulator I know him to be

god I can't wait for Zoya's character arc

'I speak six languages, it's part of my job' why is Nina literally the fucking coolest

Alina blinding the oprichniki was so hot, I can't wait to see more of her power and her ruthlessness

I know I've said it before but good god is Jessie Mei Li gorgeous

HER LITTLE SMILE AMONGST ALL THE PANIC AS SOON AS SHE SEES MAL, THE AUDACITY OF THIS SHOW TO MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY

THE SCORE COMING IN AT THE RIGHT MOMENT, THEIR HANDS MEETING, HER SMILE AGAIN DHDHSBSNSNSNSNAN IM IN PAIN

REALLY?! YOU'RE GONNA GO DIRECTLY FROM MALINA TO HELNIK WITH NO CONCERN FOR MY HEART?

I simply cannot get over Calahan's accent lmao it's really funny

'im not afraid of you' he says to the insanely gorgeous girl with magic

HIM HANGING HIS HEAD IN DEFEAT TO INDICATE NINA HAS MADE VALID POINTS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND I CAN'T BREATHE

'You're just a man. Like all the others.' she says and then forgets her train of thought looking at him as he strips. god I love this

not sleeping all night and then scotch is not a good idea, I think

'I promise not to ravish you' 'I hate the way you talk' her hand on his chest, his hand gripping hers, my fucking heart feels like it's about to explode

good god these shooting locations and sets are so beautiful

Alina throwing the flask at Mal and Mal going 'OI!' I fucking can't, I guess I am a

simp for childhood friends to lovers, give me more of that banter and childhood friend energy, I am thriving

wow it literally seems like they took book! Mal sl*tshaming book! Alina and made show! Alina sl*tshame show! Mal, hmm, interesting

'They would have split us up!' MAL'S LITTLE SMILE AT THIS, and the 'You wrote me letters?' Mal's nod, the Malina yearning stare, the Malina hug, 'thank you for finding me' 'always. I'll always find you.' NO MALINA YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE MADE ME ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FERAL

I understand they had to split time between my ravkan babies and the crows and that is why there were several aspects that were sort of not reflected on enough but Alina's training at the Little Palace, Alina's cut, Mal's personality, a teensy bit of backstory for the crows, maybe one lockpicking scene from my boy Kaz

random note: we have far too many idols and paintings and pictures and whatnot of Hindu deities in our house apart from the specially designed temple (we are Hindus, so maybe it's not that weird but it's a little weird)

Kaz's cane is a literal star, it's so beautiful my heart wants to explode

'Why would Heleen get the Crow Club?' *literally fucking gets up and walks aways instead of answering the fucking question* I LITERALLY CAN'T BREATHE I'M LOSING MY MIND

'I know that voice' WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO MAKE ME FIGHT FOR PLATONIC SHIPS IN FANDOMS

'We won't starve' omg get you someone who packs food for you when you go on the run together hiding from your ex who wants to capture you and use your powers as a weapon against your consent

Mal looking surprised at her summoning sunlight, Alina looking cautiously at him waiting for him to disapprove or run for the hills in fear or smth like that, 'I'm sorry it took me this long to see you... But I see you now' my dumb little shipper trash heart ouch

they really said we're gonna feed you this part asian couple as the protagonists in this show in 2021 and guess what I'm eating it's really tasty I'm very satisfied as a south asian

NINA'S LITTLE SMILE WHEN MATTHIAS WAKES UP WITH HIS ARM AROUND HER

'I can feel how much you hate sleeping next to me' 👀👀👀 BITCH SAID IMMA SPILL THE TEA AND THEN SHE DID

it's 8 am and guess what I'm getting another drink my parents have c*vid and are in govt qu*r*ntine centres there is nobody to supervise or stop me

I too say 'Why do you have to say things like that?' to my pretty crush when she flirts with me

Nina smiling at Matthias bragging about his conservative ways is my aesthetic

'No, it's not natural for someone to be as stupid as he is tall and yet, oh, there you stand.' MY FUCKING QUEEN

Matthias laughing uncontrollably at Nina saying something which isn't even that funny is a whole ass vibe

Kaz Brekker saying 'The Black General' ooh fuck yeah

YESSSS STEP OUT OF THAT CARRIAGE ALL SEXY BLACK GENERAL

isn't alcohol supposed to like kill germs? well, the amount in my system definitely will

I love my crows so much (always but this time particularly for setting that alarm in the stolen carriage)

ooh Polina recognising Inej by the knife yesss let's go writers

this Ivan Jesper showdown is all I needed from life and yet did not know about

Ivan taking off his cloak was, um, sexier than I wanted it to be

I just realised how thirsty I am going to sound in this post

'Has no one told you that keftas are Fabrikator-made and resistant to bullets, hmm?' 'Oh, I do love a challenge' LITERALLY EVERYTHING

im sorry to be pointing out flaws in a perfect show and adaptation but the line delivery on 'You robbed me of my brother, now I'll rob you of your life' from Polina was kind of weak

'You're a-' *gets knocked out with the back of a gun* LMAO we love the hints

got excited at the prospect of kaz v. zoya until I realised they will not be letting the opportunity of kaz v. darkling pass up

my goodness is Amita Suman a splendid actress

I AM NOT KIDDING WHEN I TELL YOU I SQUEALED WHEN I SAW DARKLES EMERGE OUT OF THE SHADOWS IN FRONT OF MY BABY BOY KAZ

THERE BEING ACTUAL FEAR OR ATLEAST DOUBT ON KAZ'S FACE, THE LITTLE BACK STEPS AS

THE DARKLING WALKS TOWARDS HIM, AAAAH I CAN'T

THE DARKLING STOPPING AT KAZ SAYING 'SHE FLED ON HER OWN' AND THE HINT OF TEARS THAT WE SEE IN HIS EYES

'IT WAS PRETTY CLEAR SHE WASN'T INTERESTED IN BEING A CAPTIVE ANYMORE' YOU TELL HIM, KING

*ACTUAL FUCKING TEARS IN THE DARKLING'S EYES AS THE SHADOWS APPROACH*

NOT ME YOWLING LIKE A HYENA THAT THIS CHILD OUTSMARTED THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN EXISTENCE WITH A FAKE MAGIC TRICK

'Are you sure you added enough cloves?' literally warranting a wide ass smile from my queen Alina making my entire fucking day

for some reason, no matter how much I push it from my mind, Ben Barnes dressed up as the Darkling, dancing to 'push it' keeps coming to mind, it's absolutely ridiculous

I got somehow distracted with interviews but good things came out of that as it gave my body the time for the booze to kick in

and I would just like to say that I love Leigh for all she has given me

Alina is so fucking compassionate, I have no much love for her. I can feel her guilt and her sorrow as Mal talks of Mikhail and Dubrov

don't particularly like how the stag plotline is woven in, could have been executed better

'You're afraid you might start to like me?' *flaps furs like a bird's wings in frustration*

'I DO like you' my fucking heart you idiots

the sexual tension is so palpable and the moment is so intimate I simply cannot

OMG SHE FUCKING FELL

that moment where you think he might let her fall despite having read the books and he doesn't and he tells her his name I- <3

YOU DARE TRANSITION FROM A HELNIK SCENE TO A KANEJ SCENE YOU REALLY HAVE NO MERCY FOR MY HEART HUH

people have talked about this endlessly but Freddie's little jaw tic after he says Inej because Inej is wounded and he can't physically bring himself to help her I fucking cannot

THE MUSIC PICKING UP AS KAZ LOOKS TO THE DARKLING'S CARRIAGE I CAN'T WITH THIS SHOW ANYMORE

and now for one of my favorite scenes in television and cinematic history, David Kostyk throwing a book at Jesper Fahey without even knowing who he is merely because he opens the door of his carriage and says hello to him before getting knocked out by Kaz Brekker while trying to run away

Immediately followed by another, the scene with David Kostyk raising his finger to put forward his point in front of the Darkling and the Darkling trying to let him know he doesn't have to before obliging is one of my favourite scenes in the world

also sir please stop being devastatingly attractive in your glorious appearance with your face and your black kefta and cloak because all that comes to mind is Ayesha Erotica's Emo Boy and I'm afraid that is terribly inappropriate.

'No, you look great.' *literally looks down from embarrassment or blushing* MALINA RIGHTS?

THE LOOK ON THE DARKLING'S FACE BEFORE HE SAYS 'NO ORDINARY TRACKER, NO ORDINARY GIRL' BITCH IM OUT OF BREATH

'ORPHANS OF KERAMZIN, REUNITED.' 'ADORABLE.' HE FUCKING SNEERED IRL I FUCKING CANNOT

GOD IT'S SO GOOD

[gilmores-glorious-blog]

I held you close as we both shook

(Disclaimer this is the first fic I’ve ever written and I wrote it in a rush of emotions after the new episode)

-

-

Roman manages to hold himself together until after he sinks out. But the moment he rises up into the mind palace, he breaks down. 

Virgil has been sitting on the couch for a few hours. He’s vaguely aware that the others are off talking to Thomas, but he’s too engrossed in Tumblr to care about missing out. Remus has walked by occasionally, making crude comments, but if there’s one thing Virgil’s good at, it’s blocking Remus out. All in all, Virgil’s doing pretty well. A little alone time can do wonders for anxiety. 

There’s the signature noise of a side returning to the mind palace, and Virgil’s head pops up from his phone. So much for his alone time. Upon seeing the top of Roman’s head begin to appear, Virgil bites back a smile. He would never admit it out loud, but Roman makes him inexplicably happy. Remus once told him- back when they talked to each other- that that is called “a crush! your feelings are horny! you want my brother to-” (this is where Virgil cut him off). So naturally, Virgil is a bit excited to see Roman return. 

Before the purple side can even open his mouth to say hello, however, Roman starts crying. Startled, Virgil stays quiet. He watches as Roman, usually cheerful and confident, crumples to the floor in front of the tv and let out silent sobs. Roman mutters to himself, but Virgil is unable to hear him fully. He does catch snippets of useless, pathetic, and despicable, though. Virgil is so shocked at the scene that he forgets to say anything. After a few minutes, he finds his voice again and manages a weak “...Ro?” 

Roman’s head shoots up. He immediately starts wiping tears from his eyes, plastering on the fakest smile Virgil has ever seen.

“Oh, hey there Jack Smellington, I didn’t see you there.”

Virgil tentatively moves off the couch towards where Roman sits. “Roman, what on earth happened?”

“What are you talking about? I’m fine. You’re just anxious. Well of course you’re anxious, you’re anxiety! My point being, Hot Topic, nothing is wrong-”

“Ro, I saw you crying.” 

Roman’s face falls. “Ah. You did. Well, please don’t feel the need to help me. Or pity me. Or anything of the such. I promise I’m fine, I just…” He trails off, and Virgil sees tears glistening in his eyes, watches him bite his shaking lower lip. “I just… he just…”

“He?” Virgil still has no idea what’s happening.

Apparently this nameless ‘he’ holds a lot of emotion for the creative side right now, because Roman starts crying again.

“I-I’m sorry, this is so embarrassing.” Roman sniffles. “Feel free to hate me. Everyone else does.”

With those two sentences, Virgil can feel his heart break. 

“Ro… no one hates you.”

“Really?! Janus didn’t seem to be a big fan of me.”

Virgil’s blood runs cold. He hasn’t heard that name for years, since he stopped hanging out with the dark sides. “Janus? Deceit told you his name?”

“Yep. And everyone loves him now. He’s Thomas’ new best pal. His new hero. He doesn’t need me anymore.”

Virgil clenches his fist. “Roman, I need you to tell me what happened as well as you can. Last I checked, we all hated De-Janus. What changed?”

Roman takes a deep, shuddering breath. “Well, Patton and I were debating how much Thomas needs to be selfless, and what the right reasons are for being selfless, and if there are right reasons, and so on. Patton got super confused and just… flipped out. Went full on frog mode. And by that I mean he literally turned into a giant frog. With abs. It was quite the sight. So then Janus shows up and is… he’s helping Thomas. And he’s going on and on about how self care is important and your mental health is a priority. And everyone believes him! Even though he is literally Deceit! So I’m trying to make a point about how he’s evil, we’ve determined he’s evil, and he’s telling us to go back on everything we’ve learned, but they all sided with him. And since I’m saying we can’t trust him, he decides now is the perfect time to make a big show of revealing his name. And yeah, maybe I laughed at it. But I was angry! And it’s a stupid name, anyways.”

Virgil takes this moment to interject. “It is. He sounds like a middle-school librarian.” Roman stares at him, an emotion in his eyes that Virgil can’t decipher. He decides that he doesn’t like the intensity in Roman’s gaze so he urges him to continue speaking.

“Upon me making a lighthearted joke, Janus com… he…” Roman breaks down crying again.

“What? What did he do?” Virgil realizes he probably shouldn’t be forcing Roman to talk about things he doesn’t want to, but he’s too blinded by his rage at Janus to think clearly. Roman doesn’t answer, and Virgil gently puts a hand on his shoulder. 

“Roman? What did he do?”

The prince mutters something that Virgil can’t hear. “What was that?” 

Roman jerks his head up from his lap. “HE COMPARED ME TO HIM!” He yells, startling Virgil. “He… he compared me to my brother. He said, and I quote, ‘Oh Roman, thank god you don’t have a mustache, otherwise between you and Remus I wouldn’t know who the evil twin is’.” Roman stares at the wall straight ahead, blinking back tears.

“...oh.” Virgil breathes.

Roman lets out a sad chuckle. “Oh.”

“Ro, I’m so sorry, I-”

“Don’t.” Roman says. “I’m done pretending I’m the hero. You and Logan, my brother and Janus, even Patton and Thomas have made it abundantly clear I’m far from it. Thomas let me be in control for far too long and it’s clear I shouldn’t be. When Deceit, the literal embodiment of lies, is trusted over me, that shows just how useless I really am. And… he’s right. Remus and I… we are similar. And I hate it. God, Virgil, I hate it so much. He’s everything I don’t want to be, and yet the only difference between us is a stupid mustache. I shouldn’t be here. I don’t deserve to be here. I’ve done nothing but hurt Thomas. And hell, even if he can’t live without Creativity… he’s got another one right there waiting for him.” 

Virgil doesn’t know when he started, but now he’s crying too. It hurts so much to see Roman like this. Roman, the brave side. Roman, the side who’s always there to lighten the situation. Roman, the side who’s clever nicknames make Virgil’s heart flutter. Roman, who Virgil has never seen sad, let alone like this. Roman, who Virgil loves.

He doesn’t know what to say. But he knows from his own experience with panic attacks that maybe Roman doesn’t want him to say anything. So he wordlessly puts his arm around the other side. Roman, still sobbing, lowers his head into Virgil’s lap. If someone had told Virgil an hour ago that Roman would be sitting with his head in his lap, Virgil (well he wouldn’t have believed them) but if he did, he would have been excited. But now he wishes more than anything that this wasn’t the situation.

Roman’s cries continue, still silent, but wracking his whole body with shuddering sobs. Virgil tries and fails to hold back his own tears while he gently runs his hand through Roman’s hair. 

After a good ten minutes of them sitting like that, Roman has fallen still. He’s still crying, but he’s sort of just numb now. 

“Ro?” Virgil asks hesitantly. “Can I say something?”

“Sure.” Roman’s reply is quiet, whispered into Virgil’s lap. 

Virgil gulps, unsure where to start. “You… you are incredible. You’re passionate, you’re smart, you’re insanely talented, you’re brave, and you are so kind. And I am so sorry for anything I have ever said or done to make you think differently. I know our relationship started off bad, to say the least, but we’ve grown so much since them, and I really truly care about you. And I know everyone else does too. Patton loves you more than anything, Logan likes you the same amount Logan likes everyone, which… it’s uncertain at times what that amount is, but I promise he loves you. Thomas couldn’t live without you. I mean, just imagine what Thomas would be like if his only creative thoughts came from Remus. It would be a nightmare! And speaking of your brother… you are nothing like him. I promise. I spent twenty-something years with him and you are so vastly different. And even if you were like him, he’s not all that bad. And he cares about you too, more than he cares about any of the rest of us. He never shuts up about you. He wants to be as good as you. Because you are a hero. ” That’s about all Virgil can muster before he breaks down too.

Roman is sitting up now, staring into Virgil’s eyes. “Do you mean all that?”

“Roman, I would never lie to you.” Virgil puts his hands on Roman’s shoulders. “So believe me when I say that I wouldn’t be able to live without you.” 

Roman laughs sadly. “That’s not true.”

Virgil speaks in a voice more serious than he’s ever spoken in before. “No. It is. You keep me in check, you help me feel like I have a purpose for Thomas, and you’re…” Virgil finds himself getting lost in Roman’s green eyes. “You’re… god, Roman, you’re fucking amazing. I love you. So much.” Virgil isn’t sure if Roman is going to interpret this in a romantic way or not, but either way, he knows it’s what the other side needs to hear right now.

Roman pauses, tears still silently streaming down his cheeks. 

And then he kisses Virgil.

It’s a soft kiss, barely touching, but it’s there. As much as he wants to, Virgil doesn’t kiss back. That’s not what either of them need right now. But either way, Virgil’s heart races. 

Roman pulls back almost as quickly as he leaned in. 

“Thank you Virgil.” He smiles at him. 

Virgil has seen Roman smile before. Many times. Often they are wide smiles. Huge smiles laced with laughter, usually in response to some stupid thing someone else said. But in this moment, Virgil feels like he’s never seen Roman smile. Because none of those countless smiles he’s seen before were anything like this. This small smile, lighting up his tearstained face, barely even noticeable as a smile, is the most genuine thing Virgil has ever seen in his life. 

Roman glances down, then back up at Virgil. 

“I think I’ll stick around.”

Virgil smiles now too, tears shimmering in his purple eyes. 

“Glad to hear it.”

[supertransural]

Beyond the Mat, sort of meta?

Ok so for some personal context, I’ve been rewatching all of Supernatural and i have the firm intention to keep the show on repeat on my computer/tv until i’ve fully binged it 15 times (never fear, I am already perfectly aware of how bad a decision this is). I wrote this post with a frantic need to get all the thoughts out, but it happened to be 3am at the time, and I realized I had to make gifs and upload them which was obviously too much work for a sleep deprived brain. I put it off until the next day, but ended up procrastinating and now it's been sitting in my drafts for 3 months and I thought hey this is a good time to finish it up (it could be argued that i'm polishing up this thing at 5am and this doesn't seem to be an issue for my will to get this done this time around, although I am heavily caffeinated so maybe that has something to do with it, go figure).

Anyways that’s besides the point. At the time I had just gotten to 11x15, Beyond the Mat. I’ve seen people write a lot about how parallels between Sam and Dean’s love lives/interests are part of the subtext about Dean’s bisexuality. I’ve also read people's works about how Gunner is pretty obviously one of Dean’s youth celebrity crushes. But (and I might just be a bit blind or haven’t looked hard enough) I haven’t seen a lot about the parallel between Sam/Rio and Dean/Gunner.

So let's get down to business, shall we?

The scene I will be focusing on starts out with Dean utterly star struck, sort of mumbling awkwardly his reasoning for coming up to Gunner (x) (x). Interestingly enough, Sam does the exact same thing with Rio (x) (x), while Dean is in the other corner clasping Gunner's hand for way too long and way too tight, and giving him the “i’ve loved you ever since i met you” look (x) (x).

Now since Sam’s crush is strictly heterosexual and we all know Sam’s interest in women, he outright says it to Rio (this is, after all, the CW) (x) (x). Dean on the other hand doesn’t verbalize it in so many words (the CW), but cmon... That fluster when Gunner winks at him later on?? (x) (let's not forget the little leg pat (x) that is probably still etched in Dean's memory amongst the 20 best things that ever happened to him, behind the previously-mentioned-wink and the Cartwright Twins) Or his reaction to Gunner patting his arm, "ok ok don't panic, it's not like your childhood crush just touched you oh wait". And Literally His Unwavering Smile The Whole Way Through. Jacting choices, people, Jacting choices (x).

Sam saves himself by steering the conversation towards a type of "where are they now?" interview, and Rio follows his not-so-subtle attempt, with a heavily implied tint of nostalgia for the good old days (x). Dean pulls a very similar stunt, mentioning something about his and Gunner's past (x) (x). Rio and Gunner's faces in those clips resemble each other quite a great deal: the emotion is the same, regret.

I really love that parallel because it’s really just “in your face”. You see Dean getting all flustered, at that point you could still say “hey i love [insert celebrity] and i don’t have a crush on them, but i’d probably still react that way around them”. (First of all, if I were you, I'd go on a journey of soul searching because hello, it’s ok to have crushes on celebrities you wish you didn’t, we’ve all been 12 and we’ve all seen Twilight and we’re all ashamed, and second of all, would you really and I mean really react that same way?) But then, enters Sam and his old crush, from the same field, basically the same time period, the same place and roughly the same "community". And it’s an unapologetic crush, not just a “hhhahaha i loved your uh.... your work.... as a uh kid haha.....”. Nonono. He says it, he tells her that he “used” (i’m not sure it’s completely gone, just like Dean) to have a crush on her. And then boom, parallel.

The way the two interact with both “celebrities” isn’t that different, if anything, Sam is less awkward around Rio than Dean is with Gunner. I’m betting the reason why is that since Sam’s crush is a woman, he has 1: talked about it openly before with his family (a poster of your crush on your wall is a good way to do that) and 2: talked to other crushes like her before. Dean, for obvious reasons, has not. Not a man, maybe some girlfriends, but he was never open (specifically not to John) about a potential crush he had on the big wrestler man in the ring, because he’s supposed to be this manly manly ladies man. He’s much more awkward because he hasn’t had much of an opportunity to talk to his crushes that might have been men, so the entire ordeal is wayyy more foreign to him. And he was also just a fan, so the whole “oh my god oh my god” of the crush is added to the already existing “oh my god oh my god” of his inner (and outer let's not kid ourselves) fanboy self.

Dean’s reaction is incidentally very similar to the one he has in the Fat Spa in 9x13, The Purge, with the character called Larry, Maritza’s husband. Dean’s awkward, goes too far, slightly flustered, and he’s pretty clearly not thrown off because of Maritza in that interview room, his gaze is mostly going from Sam to Larry then back to Sam. He lightly brushes over Maritza but barely looks at her (x) (x).

I’d also like to point out that when Gunner enters the stage, there’s a hint at a bi flag created by the light show, blink and you'll miss it (x). But then again that could just be the fact that those lights look pretty together and I'm completely insane. I’m not going to push that one too far, but since Gunner winks at Dean after that, which as I said before, makes Dean look adorably happy and flustered..... Take that as you will.

There's a thousand other scenes relevant to Dean being very blatantly bi-coded in Beyond the Mat (seriously, it's almost as obvious as the siren episode) but I really just wanted to focus on the parallel this time. I might go even more in depth on that episode (or do it bit by bit) if I ever find the will to make more gifs and string intelligible words together to create coherent sentences, and give off the impression of a sane mind. Might even throw in some The Purge meta for fun. Yes my definition of fun is quite warped.

[mooosicaldreamz]

Have you listened to folklore yet?? Can you do commentary on all the songs??

it’s time.

THE 1

This song has a funny vibe in comparison with “I Forgot that You Existed” - it really sets a tone of calm, quiet vibes in comparison to the more bombastic stuff on Lover. Also this song is kind of a banger. It has a very gentle rhythm, like I’m in the sun in the woods and I’m in my hammock. I have a hammock now and I’m considering moving into it. “It would’ve been fun / if you would’ve been the one.” Also I love the “I had this dream you’re doing cool shit” - so fun, so sweet. Taylor said a curse word.

CARDIGAN

This song is proof to me that this album was produced by a Dessner because it has the same repetitive piano that I would say is a hallmark of National songs - it sounds a lot like “Light Years” to me. That song is, by the way, an absolute banger. This song? Fun! It’s an interesting metaphor, and an interesting way of saying the point of the song. And I think it’s much more grounded than some more old school Taylor metaphors of like fairytale stuff. “Tried to change ending / Peter losing Wendy.”

THE LAST GREAT AMERICAN DYNASTY

As we ALL KNOW, this song is about Taylor’s wonderful little house wherein the great Fourth of July celebration took place all over Instagram in the Red era. I googled it and it’s semi-biographical! I think it’s clear that Taylor is making commentary on her life on the Cape just as much as she is telling the story of this person, Rebekah Harkness. It’s an interesting piece of self-awareness to compare herself to an oil heiress who caused quite the stir in a segment of the world that is full of big stirrers (ie the Kennedys who I’m pretty sure she was neighbors with somewhere down the beach). I’m intrigued. She is having fun.

EXILE (FEAT BON IVER)

This will sound like absurd hyperbole but between Bon Iver and Taylor Swift, I’d be hard pressed to name two artists who have fucked up my life more. Getting to hear his beautiful baritone without layers of distress like he’s been rolling with lately is a gift. Thank you to Taylor Swift. “I can see you staring, honey / like he’s just your understudy / like you’d get your knuckles bloody / for me.” VIBEZ???? ARE WE VIBING????? I AM VIBGIN!!!!!! “Those eyes add insult to injury????”” BANGER!!! IT’S A BANGER.  THAT BREAKDOWNN!!!! LET’S ROLL!!!! LET’S GET FUCKED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m PUTTING THIS ON SO MANY PLAYLISTS!!!!!!!!!!

MY TEARS RICOCHET

LET’S GET EMO !!!!!!!! You know, just recently I was discussing with Lynne (or myself? I talk to myself about Taylor a lot) about how she’s gonna go on her like farewell tour when she’s 50-60 or whatever and it’s gonna be all these low-down sexy baller mixes, like when Cyndi Lauper did her greatest hits cover release (it’s a banger!). This album is just an excuse for her to sing in her low register. God, I’d die for her. I love how sad this is. I have too many favorite lines. “I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace / ‘cause when I’d fight, you used to tell me I was brave / And if I’m dead to you why are you at the wake?” ALSO “And you can aim for my heart, go for blood / But you would still miss me in your bones.” OKAY HONEY!!!!!!! This is a clear Supercorp song. Since I know this is why you are asking. Start here for fic titles.

MIRRORBALL

Oh, okay, Taylor went to the woods and listened to Ryan Adams, Bon Iver, and just fucked around and made shoe gaze pop? What kind of talent!!!! Her last album was premium pop. Why is she like this. This song is very interesting. It’s very sweet. The phrasing on “tallest tiptoes / highest heels” oh my God. I love this song. I might cry.

SEVEN

Another absolute National-style production, God, we are living in my dream world on this album. “I’ve been meaning to tell you / I think your house is haunted / Your dad is always mad and that must be why / And I think you should come live with me / and we can be pirates.” WHAT A JOKE. WHAT A JOKE!!!!!!! What a beautiful portrait of childhood. There’s a scene in Spring Awakening (the musical, I can only assume now that Taylor is a big fan), where they talk about playing pirates when they were younger and now everything is tragic. “Are there still beautiful things?” It shouldn’t be that easy bro.

AUGUST

This, like “Seven” is an Antonoff production, which is just vibes. The dreaminess. We are vibing. As much as I am inclined to hate the line, “August slipped away like a bottle of wine” it is phrased so well and delicately that it comes across more dreamy than wine mom memey. I also just want to say that I bought the OG vinyl and the “meet me behind the mall” vinyl and after hearing the song that it comes from it’s a vibe. This is obviously a teenage romp song, which is really great because obviously Taylor wrote about being a teenager in love when she was a teenager and wrote about like, the classic world-ending Romeo and Juliet style fairytale. But this is….”meet me behind the mall.” Which is such an adult perspective on what being a teenager is. It’s so wonderful to see that artistic depth in an artist we’ve literally watched grow.

THIS IS ME TRYING

I feel like this is the depression song that should have been on Reputation but was so out of step with the rest of the album between it’s thunderous anger / thunderous oh-shit-I’m-into-this-dude that they couldn’t work it in. And it doesn’t quite vibe with Lover either…this whole song is GREAT. It’s very depression 101. It makes me cry also. “They told me all of my cages were mental / so I got wasted like all my potential / and my words shoot to kill when I’m mad / I have a lot of regrets about that.” I LOVE the way she sings “I have a lot of regrets about that.” Also “and it’s hard to be at a party / when I feel like an open wound.” Absolute banger.

ILLICIT AFFAIRS

I feel we should give this song the true banger status because Taylor wrote a song about a girl who is the other woman and it’s empathetic. God, we love progress. This song also does a good job of being about the other woman, but also has a little more universal appeal. I know when I heard this I was like, “oof, okay, I don’t miss being 16.”  The word mercurial is used in this song.

INVISIBLE STRING

Not to get too emo about it, but this song is adorable and it’s messed up that she wrote it. The idea behind it that I think must be fairly common for people who are in love, that their lives have unique crossover moments, and there’s this hope/want to believe that you were always going to end up in this place because of all those connections? That’s kind of a complex thing (imo) to express. And she WROTE IT!!!! God. If I were Joe Alwyn I would cry every day.

MAD WOMAN

The fact that Taylor would ever attempt to make me believe this is not about Scooter Braun is insane. I love this song. Proof of concept that you don’t need to yell to show how mad you are.

EPIPHANY

This song is sad. But very interesting. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her write anything like this. I think the back half of this album is a little more experimental.

BETTY

I’m not sure what I’m expected to say here. I know that this song is not actually gay. But I don’t care. It’s country twang from a boy’s perspective and you know what? We’re taking it. We are taking it for ourselves. But also, I love that she chose to write this weird “teenage love triangle” set of songs and that she chose to write none of them from like, her perspective? Right? “August” is James cheating on Betty, “Illicit Affairs” is the other woman, and this is James…when Taylor was 17 she would have written this song from Betty’s perspective. And that’s what we would have got. There’s real growth in storytelling here, and a real interest in expanding the canon of what she’s writing about. It’s really great to see an artist do that. Also the way she sings “The worst thing that I ever did / was what / I did to you.” This whole song is a masterpiece. I hate her.

PEACE

I just learned that Joe Alwyn is a Pisces. I am A PISCES. TAYLOR!!!! WE COULD BE TOGETHER.

I love the “I talk shit with my friends / It’s like I’m wasting your honor.” This song is so adult. She’s in like. Real love bro. BRO. I AM HAPPY FOR HER. BRO!!!!!!

HOAX

I am interested in why this is the last song on the non-deluxe version of the album. I don’t have a lot to say about this but that it reminds me of Wuthering Heights. Also if you wanted to get emo this is probably a good SC song.

[claudiasjeancregg]

I hope this helps with the stress at least just a little bit <3 and I do understand wanting to write but not being able to, so if you want, write as much as you want with (specially 12!). So. Here we go! 14, 13, 12, 10, 1!

hey ariel thank you so much this literally made my entire day, i wrote a fucking essay so here goes.

1. favorite episode

EVIDENCE OF THINGS NOT SEEN, institutional memory, the supremes, drought conditions, holy night, the inauguration episodes, the midterms, noël... all of them. just. ALL OF THEM

10. something you wish had happened

oh my god SO MANY THINGS!!! cj/toby kissing in the 7.21 scene would have saved my entire soul, or really just a kiss at any point. i just wanted them to ADDRESS THE CHEMISTRY IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?? just confirmation that they dated at one point, or hooked up occasionally... god. ANYTHING! more canon specific, i really wanted a scene of donna in therapy or talking to josh about the ptsd / trauma she undoubtedly faced after gaza. when they F I N A L L Y got together, i wish they had more of a conversation about why she quit! because she HAD GOOD REASON to do it, and i wish had talked about how he had treated her after gaza. also, seeing how cj and toby had dealt with rosslyn, and more conversations about cj getting the COS role over josh and how he forgave her for that. just. MORE FOUND FAMILY CONTENT GODDAMNIT i could watch entire episodes of the senior staff + donna just hanging out, i love them to death. LAST ONE I PROMISE- CJ HAVING FEMALE FRIENDSHIPS. or friendships, period. god, i would have died for some amy + cj content swapping stories and making sarcastic jokes, cj helping amy to adapt to the white house after being in a different environment her whole career. CJ AND ANDY! i mean i ship the ot3 and cjandy to death, but even as friends! donna and cj!! the assistants all being friends! just. let these tired women have friends, that’s all i want.

12. headcanon(s)

yeah, i’ve... basically covered these BUT i always have more!!

first off- BISEXUAL CJ. bi cj!!!! it’s canon in my heart. this next one is less of a headcanon and more of a dream, but the ot3! cj/toby/andy is my favorite thing in the world and i love the three of them.

i think cj and josh were a lot closer than we see, and i have many feelings about them sort of being siblings.

also, hc that cj and toby ended up together after the show BECAUSE I NEED IT.

um, donna went to therapy! i feel like the show largely ignored the fact that she was the only one in the car who survived!! and so did josh, especially after he realized a part of the way he treated her after gaza was bc of his guilt about sending her there in the first place, and then donna almost dying.

okay let’s see... 50% of my brain is thinking of tww headcanons at any given moment so-

huck and molly grow up with auntie cj, who wishes she could be more of a parent but is so, so, so thankful for what she gets. i didn't really think cj wanted to get pregnant and have kids, especially with danny, but the show really threw that in there at the last moment lol. the reason for this is NOT “she’s too focused on her career,” trust me. i actually think cj’s mom died from breast cancer when she was pretty young, about 13. it’s heartbreaking, and miserable, and cj doesn’t smile for a month after. her dad was at a complete loss as to how to help her, since he was still dealing with it too. so for about half a year they co-existed in the same house, barely speaking. cj’s passion for politics and journalism eventually led her to come out of her shell more, about a year later, but she didn’t come back to the joyful person she used to be until college. she’s deathly afraid of passing the cancer gene onto her kids, which is why in my brain, the ot3 always had plans for kids but andy was going to get pregnant. (i talk about cj’s thoughts on actual canon andy’s pregnancy so much in my fic, so i should probably shut up now.) also i really think cj works herself to the bone after becoming COS, especially after toby leaves. he was the only thing keeping her from self-destructing, making her sleep and eat and remember to function. i can’t get over allison janney’s acting, the way you FEEL cj’s exhaustion. she has... no self- preservational instincts when it comes to doing her job as well as she can, and that really hurts her mental health, and like. SANITY. charlie and margaret know this and this duo practically running the white house might be my favorite thing about season 7.  also HOW DID THIS TURN INTO ONLY CJ HEADCANONS i have so many other ones!)

QUEER ELLIE BARTLET how could i forget? my random desire for ellie/mallory has no canon basis but i’m obsessed with them. tbh, i’m obsessed with all f/f west wing ships.

josh definitely has anxiety, that’s kind of canon. donna helps him manage it but after she leaves, his panic attacks become a lot more frequent and he forgets to take care of himself. also, i think cj has anxiety too.

WAIT WAIT WAIT IS THIS A PLACE FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT DONNA AND TOBY?!! aleena has a soapbox and she can’t stop, i’m sorry. okay so donna and toby are my favorite unlikely tww friendship, and i’m going to limit this to a few sentences but i will talk about this whenever anyone gives me an opportunity to. BASICALLY donna is the only person who doesn’t take any of toby’s bullshit, (who isn’t in love with him) and he underestimates her at first, yeah, but he is one of the first people to realize donna’s potential. and they have some very good, very small moments where he really sees her strength and she sees that he’s more than the stubborn grump he pretends to be.

i have so many headcanons about josh and toby, and cj and toby, and josh and donna, and cj and donna, and TOBY AND DONNA. josh teasing toby about cj. toby making fun of donna for being in love with josh because he says she’s too good for him but he loves josh like a brother despite what he says. HE SHOWS HER BABY PICTURES AND SHE GUSHES OVER THEM i don't make the rules!!!! anyways that’s NOT all of my headcanons, i just don't want to make you guys read any more lmao. thank you so much for indulging me, i would be thrilled to talk about more of these or to hear more of your headcanons! (this goes for anyone btw) THAT WAS SO LONG AHH.

13. character you wish you could be / aspire to be

cj cregg

14. on-screen crush

yeah, i’m a simple bisexual. cj cregg.

THAT WAS INSANELY LONG BUT SO FUN FOR ME, THANK YOU!!!

[unsettledink]

(Part two of looking back at the fandoms I was in and the fics I wrote in 2020)

(Part one here.)

*

Most popular story:

    By Kudos (and comments), Seiche : By hits, Indefensible : On tumblr, Pocket Change

Story you wish was more successful:

    Well, that’s kind of the curse of writing rare pairs. I want anything with Tony/Quentin or Peter/Quentin to be more successful, lol. Defining the feeling of success in fandoms/pairings like that is tricky, because— do I wish they’d gotten more attention? Of course! Do I consider them fairly successful because they got any attention? Yeah, kinda.

Something like Intent got very little response, but considering the size and age of the fandom, it actually felt successful to get any response?

The entire Old Adages series I really wish had found an audience; I’m very fond of it, and it’s… softer than I usually write? The filthy smutty kinky stuff always outpreforms anything else, and that sort of thing feels easy for me. And I’m extrapolating a lot for young Quentin’s characterization, so I’m a little insecure about that as well.

Most "Holy crap, that's wrong, even for you" story:

    You know, there are several stories I feel like should be that? But let’s be honest, considering what I’ve written in the past, they’re not that bad. 

    So I’m going to have to go with Creepy Crawly. I mean, I get squicked a little if I read it in the wrong mindset. SPIDERS D:

Hardest story to write:

    Causality. I just… could not quite connect somehow. I had the image in my head fine, but when I went to write it I felt pretty meh. I think I hadn’t done much (any?)Peter POV at that point, so that was a stretch. And I think I’d been spending so much time in the world of Gotcha that any other version of Peter/Quentin felt strange. I got it done, I have a sequel planned, but it was a struggle.

    No Lies was also tricky. I picked the prompt ‘make-up’ because I had this crystal clear mental image of someone kneeling, crying, makeup smeared all over them. But I didn’t know WHO. I tried so many pairings and characters, and even when I figured out that I really wanted that to be Tony… who with? Could I actually make Peter behaving that way believable?? Once I got it sorted out the writing was easy, but getting there - gah.

Easiest story to write:

    Indefensible was bizarre to write, because it literally just arrived in my brain in one giant chunk, complete, and I just had to transcribe it over a day or two. Very odd. 

    Pocket Change was much the same. The idea appeared and that first image of Tony holding the bill was just… there. The rest of it fell into place so easily as I went along.

Most fun story to write:

    Just a Bite was a lot of fun to write. It’s a topic I enjoy anyway, and I like trying to focus in on one element like that. Peter discovering a new thing he liiiiikes is always a ton of fun.

    11:59 was also surprisingly fun? Like— three characters that have interesting dialogue patterns, a slightly darker Tony, being able to indulge in nasty Quentin without him being quite a villain, the constant shifting of emotions for everyone in the room. Just so much going on in small ways. There are totally at least three more fics set in that universe. 

What’s your personal favorite thing you wrote this year?

    Tough call, but probably A Perfect Fit. Really, the entire insane little universe that’s expanding into. Definitely not something I would have expected at ALL back in January. 

What’s your least favorite thing you wrote this year?

    Maybe Can’t, Wont? Idk. I didn’t have a strong enough idea for the prompt to really make something of it, I guess. And writing Peter/Quentin is kind of difficult at the moment. It feels weird because I’ve spent so much time in the world of Gotcha that other takes on the characters are odd.

If you could go back and change something about one of the fics you wrote this year, what would it be?

    Probably Want What I Want. I knew what I wanted and I just couldn’t quite make it function. So I went with a slantwise version of it - which isn’t bad, but doesn’t have the focus I wanted it to. It felt like more of a twist on the prompt than I wanted. I’d like to go back and expand it out, dig into the specifics of the prompt a little more.

    And tbh, I got a comment on that very point. I’m normally really good about letting go of comments? But it was something I’d questioned myself, so it stuck more.

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters:

    (Just) Waiting Around? Maybe? As much as I love top/experienced!Peter, I had to sit down and figure out how I might be able to actually get him there, convince the reader that this was a Peter that current Peter could become. 

    And any of the Tony/Quentin fics. There’s not a lot given for Quentin in canon; taking those little bits and trying to follow them back to these younger version of Quentin was really interesting and difficult. How do I make this character the softer, more open, more vulnerable, less confident version of himself from 10/15 years ago, and still keep those sharper edges that will grow and take over? How do I make the reader believe both that this version could have existed and that version could actually become the canon one? 

Story that was most different from what you usually write:

    I mean, Relief? I’ve never written het before (and probably never will again, lol), but I wasn’t going to let the chance to write redwings pass me by. 

    In general, all the freaking ABO. Which I’d never written before this fandom, though I’ve read tons of it. Not something I really expected to write? And then suddenly I’m not just writing it, I can’t seem to stop. 

    Sustain felt pretty different, and it took me a moment to figure out why (don’t laugh at me!). I’ve never written straight up non-sexual kink before. Not just a kink scene that doesn’t have sex, but a kink scene that doesn’t even have the intention or desire for sex. Completely removing that additional layer of tension and complications is fascinating. I’m really interested in expanding that verse.

Most unintentionally telling story:

    Oh, other than Gotcha, lol? Um. I don’t know if any really are? Maybe Backhand, or Sustain. Hmm, maybe Getting Started, though it’s not finished. 

    Now I wonder what conclusions those have people drawing.

What’s your favorite piece of description or narration?

    Oh my god, what an impossible question. Uh. This is difficult because I… think of images in words? I feel very odd about the bits I picked, Idk. 

    It’s so small, and I don’t know if I captured it as well as it is in my head, but I come back to it so often:

Stark sits on the bed, and then seems to get lost, or distracted, not moving again until Phil pushes him gently towards the middle of the bed. He gets Stark curled up on his side, just a sliver of his back touching the sheets.

There's a chair against the wall that doesn't look too modern, so hopefully more comfortable than most of the monstrosities around here; Phil has a feeling he's going to be here a while, watching Stark come back up. He stands, about to walk away when there's a soft touch on his hand. He looks down.

Stark's arm is stretched out, his fingers just barely resting on the back of Phil's hand. He's looking up at Phil out of the corner of his eyes, head just barely turned towards him. It's a clear a request as anything spoken; stay.

"I'm not leaving," Phil tells him. "I'm not even leaving the room. I was just going to get a chair.'

There's a breath, a hesitation, Stark's hand not leaving his, and then it's gone, Stark dragging it back in, turning his face into the pillow. That was the wrong response, something about it was just... wrong.

"Stark," Phil says, leaning onto the bed. "Do you want me to stay here? On the bed? I wasn't sure you'd be comfortable with that." After all, this doesn't seem to be at all sexual for him.

Stark doesn't say anything—Phil's not entirely sure if he's nonverbal or not—but he turns his face back towards Phil a little. Doesn't quite look at him, and doesn't make a move; he's not going to ask again, not after what he obviously took as a rejection. His reactions are odd, not much like Phil had expected. 

    - Sustain

Or:

Beck gets Peter turned around, still kneeling but settled back against Beck's legs, leaning into it. "Toss me his shirt," he says, and Tony throws it at his face, Beck managing to catch it before it connects. Laughs, like this is fucking funny. He slips his hand into Peter's hair and tugs his head back a bit, wiping the come off his face.

"Take five, baby," Beck says, and Peter hums, resting his head on Beck's thigh and staring at Tony. Beck's petting him, hand sliding slowly though Peter's hair, and it's a fucking nightmare that Beck knows what that feels like and Tony doesn't. "You see?" Beck says. "He likes it a little rough. A lot rough, sometimes, so don't worry about hurting him. Don't worry when he cries," and Tony glares at him.

Beck's looking down at Peter, though, and then Tony is too. He's turning red again as Beck talks, but he's not denying anything, and not looking away from Tony.

Beck's hand trails down Peter's neck, hooks around the front and pulls him back; Peter's head tips back, exposing the whole of his throat to Beck's hand. "He's a little embarrassed by it," Beck says, "but he's an awfully sweet submissive too. Aren't you, honey?"

Peter looks up at him, his expression soft, open. "Yes, sir," he says, and Jesus Christ, Tony had no idea how much he wants Peter to say that to him. Peter likes it too, not just giving it lip service judging by the way his cock is getting hard again. Beck smiles.

"I'm going to miss you," he says. "You've been a lot of fun, baby." He looks up, catching Tony's eye, a smirk growing slowly on his face. "Guess I'd better make sure the last time makes up for it."

     - 11:59

What’s your favorite piece of dialogue you wrote this year?

I mean, I’m very fond of Hang Up, it’s like 85% dialogue.

Alternatively:

"Looks like you're finally ready to be fucked," Tony says. "Bets on if you'll come on my cock, or if I'll have to give you a reach around with this?" settling the gauntlet on Quentin's hip.

"No," Quentin says, shaking his head as much as he can manage, "no, no, Tony—"

Tony leans in, thighs pushing Quentin's legs apart, the head of his cock bumping up against Quentin's ass. "If you manage it just once without my hand," he whispers, ducking his head and rubbing his beard over Quentin's shoulder, "I'll fund every last thing you ask for."

"No," Quentin moans, because he can't.

"Don't worry, sweetheart," Tony says. "I'll make sure you can."

    - Make Sure

Story with the single sexiest moment:

    AHHHHHHHHH fuck this is the hardest one. 

    Secondhand and Gift Wrapped both have some of the hottest moments, I think:

    Peter's so hard he can barely think, absolutely can't control the way his dick jumps in Quentin's hand. He doesn't want to hear about this, doesn't want to imagine Tony with Quentin at all. Doesn't want Quentin to stop.

Quentin kicks off his pants and then he's crawling up over Peter, staring down at him with that manic glint in his eyes that Peter knows well enough by now to worry about. "He fucked my face like that," Quentin says, watching him. "Kept babbling that shit and fucked my throat nearly raw. Can't you hear it, honey?" and Peter can, he can.

"Can't you imagine it?" Quentin asks, and Peter can.

    - Secondhand

And:

    Peter wants— he curls his fingers in Tony's hair and yanks, Tony's head hanging loosely from his hands. He looks wrecked, sweaty and his whole face is dark, his lips wet and red and puffy, all from Peter's cock. When he opens his eyes, it's like he's not even seeing Peter, completely lost in his own little world; he's stiffening slowly, his spine rounding and he tries to brace himself, his eyes going wider and his breath getting shorter and— and is he about to come, Peter wonders. Is he really going to come just like this, from being fucked like this?

He is, he totally fucking is because a moment later Tony stops breathing entirely, his head jerking hard against Peter's hold, his whole body jerking as he comes. He gasps, eyelashes fluttering, and Peter can feel Tony's come landing on his legs, holy shit.

Pepper eases her thrusts, sinking into Tony and just rocking against him while he comes. Waits until he's gone limp, sunk down even more between her hands and Peter's; "Peter," she says. "Get a good grip on him for me. He gets all wiggly afterwards and I'm not done."

    - Gift Wrapped

    But if it comes down to what is probably my favorite - 

    Peter had already been pretty out of it when Tony came back, already wound up and just existing, no thoughts and no worries, nothing but want and feeling and response. He’d already been awfully close to flying, and this— this drops him over the edge, completely. 

Some part of his head is aware of the way he’s thrusting up into Tony’s mouth, Tony taking it happily, drooling around him; is aware that Peter’s tossing his head back and forth, fighting against Rhodey’s tight grip on his hair, only making it worse with every yank. Is even a little aware that the others must be watching him, watching them, watching just like Rhodey’s looking down at him, Tony looking up, their gaze so heavy on Peter he can feel it, just like he can feel everything, every touch and every texture and every single spot his body is in contact with anything. Can feel everything, too much, overwhelming, amazing, and he doesn’t know if it’s that, or the pain of Rhodey’s grasp, or the wave crashing down on him as he comes that have him crying. Maybe it’s all of them, or maybe it’s just that he’s wanted like this, kept and held and wanted. 

Rhodey kisses him, gently, and Tony crawls up over him; kisses Rhodey and kisses Peter and Peter could stay just like this forever. He can see Tony’s mouth moving, talking to him, then Rhodey, then him again, but his head is full of nothing but static, white noise.

    - Flaunt

    (So, uh, what does it say that all of those are threesomes?)

*

Stories I haven't yet written, but intend to:

    SO MANY. Beyond the fics I’ve got going for other people and Gotcha, and the (hopefully) one off continuations of kinktober fics, I really want to focus on - 

    The rest of Deep End (I know it all exactly!)

    The sad AI Peter/Tony, real!Peter/Tony

    Branches of Aegis

    ONE of my longer ABO pieces. 

    Fluffuary & Kinktober, again. 

Fingers crossed. I don’t even want to think about how many more ideas will come creeping in.

[schnees-and-schnugs]

kinda wanted to think about pre-beacon weiss and whitley since in canon its pretty up in the air so i wrote this little ficlet to take a little break from work n stuff :D enjoy! or dont, its okay

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Weiss felt tiny pinpricks of pain as the bandage above her eye was slowly peeled off, revealing a bloody cut underneath. She expected Whitley to gag or to at least wince at the sight- but nothing. His face remained empty, concealing any emotion that he might be feeling.

“You know when Klein does this it hurts a lot less...” Weiss cringed at her weak attempt at sparking a conversation.

“Too bad Klein isn’t here, then.” He didn’t even look at her, too busy wringing out a wet cloth. Weiss learned to tell when Whitley was in a bad mood. He doesn’t yell and break things like Father does- in fact it’s the opposite- he seems to resign into himself and quiet down. She was the only one who really notices, though.

He started to clean the wound above her eye, dabbing the wet cloth all the while avoiding eye contact. Weiss smiled hesitantly. “Hey! Be gentle, please.” 

Before Whitley would have glared at her and snidely commented that she’s quite sensitive for a huntsman in training, but now he just muttered a quiet “sorry” before shifting his position on her bed. Gods. She wanted to reassure him that she was just joking, and that he was always gentle, there was no need to change a thing.

But she knew he really wouldn’t care either way.

Weiss sighed and wondered how she got here. Just two days ago she passed her fathers test, allowing her to go to Beacon. She was ecstatic- twirling her way around the privacy of her room and singing little hymns under her breath. 

But of course, there was the issue of the literal wound on her face. But is it that bad compared to the amazing achievement that is going to Beacon? Absolutely not. It was worth it.

However, there is another issue, one that Weiss can’t just simply brush off. One that won’t simply just leave a scar- but in fact might never heal: Whitley.

Weiss would be lying to herself if she didn’t admit that she’s been avoiding having this conversation with him. What was she going to say? Whitley, I’m going to go to Beacon for who knows how long, leaving you here with our totally healthy and non-toxic parental figures. Are you okay with that? I hope your okay with that. Of course he wouldn’t be okay with it. 

The topic hung in the air between them with every passing second. She wondered what would happen if she just left it like this and went along her way- let Whitley sort out his own emotions on his own. Would it really kill him to at least try to be happy for her? Smile and congratulate her? No, instead he had to give her the silent treatment.

“Whitley-”

“Weiss, just don’t.”  He lifted his arm to peel off the second bandage under her eye, but she grabbed his arm before he could.

“Are you mad at me?” Weiss winced at her own accusatory tone, but maintained eye contact. To her surprise, he narrowed his eyes but didn’t break it.

She continued. “If you’re angry at me, you need to tell me why. I’m not a mind reader- you know that right?” Of course she knew why he was angry at her, but she needed to hear it from him. 

Whitley wrestled his arm out of her grip and scowled. “I just don’t see any reason why you can’t just go to Atlas Academy. Why do you have to go to a whole other kingdom?”

“Well maybe I don’t want to go to Atlas Academy-”

“Why not? Winter studied there, and you practically want to be her!”

“Oh”, Weiss couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “So now you refer to Winter? I thought you disliked her?”

“I do”, Whitley paused to lower his voice. “She abandoned everything she had to become some soldier, and now you’re going to do that too.”

“I’m not abandoning everything, Whitley,” Weiss was already regretting starting this conversation and her patience was beginning to thin. “I’m still the heir and I don’t plan on giving that up anytime soon-”

“Good then. You’d be better prepared to lead the SDC staying here than spending your time with those barbarians in Vale. Honestly, Weiss it’s not that bad here.” His voice took on a desperate edge to it. Weiss knew she had to tread lightly or else she’ll say something she might regret.

“Not that bad? You and I both know that’s a lie. I hate it here, and you do too, Whitley”, Weiss tried to hold herself back, but it all came spilling out. “Did you see his face after I defeated the Geist Grimm? He would have rather I gotten injured and lost than for me to win. Father wants to keep me trapped here and I’m sick of it. I want something more than this.” Years of pent up frustration and sorrow burst out of in those last words. Yes, Weiss didn’t really know what she was missing, but she felt it there. A hollow hole in her heart that needed to be filled or else she’d go insane.

“More than this?” Whitley’s voice was barely above a whisper. “What more could you want? We have everything Weiss. Yes, Father is rash-” Weiss couldn’t help but the chuckle at the massive understatement- “but he can’t help who he is. All of what we have, he gave to us. If you could just be a little bit more grateful, perhaps Father wouldn’t be so curt with you-”

“Grateful? Grateful for this wound on my face? Grateful for an alcoholic for a mother?” Whitley winced but Weiss didn’t want to stop. She couldn’t stop. “Can’t you see how he’s hurting us? How can you make excuses for him?”

Whitley finally broke eye contact. He seemed to almost shrink into himself, pulling away from Weiss. “But it’s tolerable, Weiss. Just as long as it’s the two of us, right? Father will pass on someday and we’ll still have each other.” He softly reached out and grabbed her hands, holding them in his own. “Please tell me that you believe that too. Please stay here. For me”. 

Weiss desperately wanted to do exactly that. Tell him that everything is going to be okay, and that, yes, she will stay here with him. That she’ll do what a big sister ought to do and protect him. That she would never put her own needs before his. That she was content with just her and Whitley, against the world.

But no matter how many times she tried to convince herself of that, she couldn’t. “Whitley... what I have now, it’s just not enough.”

Now it was her turn to look away. She could feel his eyes burning a hole into the side of her face and his hands slowly let go of hers. She tried to hold onto him, but he snatched his fingers and placed them behind his back.

 Away from her reach.

“Not enough?” He snarled. “Like how we weren’t enough for Mother to keep herself from drowning in a bottle? Or like how Winter didn’t think we weren’t enough for her to stay, so she ran off to become one of the general’s lackeys.” 

“Whitley, it’s more complicated than that!”

“Its always ‘complicated’ when you’re the one who’s leaving!” He stood up, having completely forgotten about tending to Weiss’ injury. “You know Weiss, you were always enough for me. I only need you. I always thought that you were going to be the one to stay, it was never complicated to me.”

Weiss didn’t understand. She didn’t ask to be Whitley’s anchor, or to be the only person who remained. She just wanted to be happy. To be free. 

And she could’t take him where she was going to get that freedom.

“Whitley, please...”

“No, just don’t ”, he moved towards her bedroom door and Weiss knew that she wouldn’t see him for the rest of the day. Maybe for the next few days.

“Are you...” Whitley paused, listening. “Are you at least coming to see me off?”

Silence.

“Don’t count on it,” He was barely audible, but Weiss heard him loud and clear as he walked away.

And he was true to his word, Weiss recalled bitterly as she left Atlas a few days later. She hadn’t seen him all day after the fight, nor any day after that. Not even to see her off.