#reader possibly has ppd

[tinyraptorhands]

Pro Hero, Pro Mama, No Problem pt.2

The Hero Gala was *the* event for the year, next to the Hero Awards, that is. The Hero Gala was an event for heroes to make connections, show off fashion labels, etc. It was a fun event, Katsuki wasn't exactly thrilled about it. But you used to love it. You always loved playing dress up and having your husband's eyes on you. You're pretty sure Katsumi was conceived in the venue bathroom-then again, you weren't too sure.

What you were sure of, is you were *not* going.

"I'm not going." You said, tossing the invitation to the counter, Katsumi in her swaddle over your chest. She was six months old, and blowing raspberries every chance she got. Katsuki was looking at his own invitation.

"No. You're going."

You blinked, looking up from wiping spittle from Katsumi's chin. "Excuse me?"

He turned, gesturing to the invitation. "You're going. And you're gonna look gorgeous, and you're gonna make your debut since the baby, and it's gonna be good. And I'll be right beside you." He stated, and you blinked owlishly.

"...Katsuki-" You sounded exasperated, and he held a hand up.

"Nah, nah. Don't give me that shit. You haven't been anywhere, and the last time we went out for dinner when she was four months old, we ended up eating in the damn car at a WacDonalds." He walked over to you, taking Katsumi out of your swaddle. She squealed, and he held her on his hip. "You've seen the news. Everyone's been asking where you've been-and I know your PR agent has been hassling you about your debut comeback."

You fidgeted, sitting at the kitchen island. "I don't think I'm ready." You knew how the media could be. They would tear into you, your body, your looks...

Society had an issue with celebrity mothers-hero mothers? A completely different ball game.

"Look," he said, coming over to you. "I don't wanna either, but I've been climbing in the ranks-and the media keeps saying I'm with other women-"

"Since when do you care about what the media thinks?" You huffed, interrupting him.

He looked at Katsumi. "Since I have a damn kid that's gonna see that shit one day."

Good point.

You sighed. "...I can't. I-I really can't." You felt your voice waver. Katsuki sighed loudly.

"Dammit, woman. I'm not saying go nuts-just....let people see you, at least. I know we agreed on you being on maternity leave for a year, but all your friends are wondering where you are!"

"They're your friends, too." You pointed out.

"Not the point." He huffed. "Its not only about that. It's you being a recluse-its your insecurities and your fears of leaving our damn kid for five seconds."

You frowned. You leaned your elbows on the marble. You rubbed your face. "Katsuki, I'm scared." You admitted.

"I know." He said, uncharacteristically soft. Katsumi tugged on his hair, blowing more spit bubbles.

"What if the media tears into me?"

"Then we sue them for defamation." He stated, as if it were that easy. You looked at him, rolling your eyes.

"Can't you go by yourself? Go stag?" You whined. He looked at you like you were insane.

"Y'want me to go? By myself!? Hell no!" He groused. "You're the only reason I go." He said quietly, blushing. You sighed.

"I'll need to pump."

"Then we'll bring the hand pump."

"What if Katsumi gets fussy?"

"Then the old hag and pops'll take care of it. They already said they would watch her."

Damn. He had a solution for everything. You ran your hand through your hair. "T-then I'd have to find a designer and a make up arti-"

"Done." He said. You gave him a look.

"*How*??"

He rolled his eyes, and looked at Katsumi as he twiddled his fingers at her face, making her give him a gummy smile. "I talked to your PR agent. She already has a few lined up. They're wanting you to model their designs for your comeback. And Mina's make-up and hair artist got in contact with me. I really don't want another year of concealer on my face, so I sent her to your agent."

Double damn. He knew you were gonna try to wheedle out of it. You sighed.

"Fine. But we're not staying the whole night."

He smirked. "Done and done."

Katsumi cooed. You looked at her, then at him. "...But what if she-"

"Nope." He held her up, making her squeal. "Don't think shit. It's all gonna be fine."

It was all not fine. You woke up the day of the gala, breasts engorged. Katsumi had eaten her full, making them less hard, but you noticed two hard lumps in your breast.

Blocked ducts. Fabulous. You were holding a heated cloth on your right breast as you pumped, the living room abuzz with your designer and your pr agent.

Yoshiko Ruo, your agent was a godsend. You always liked her. She made sure your birth was a private affair, and Katsumi was kept from the media. She looked over at the designers picks, tossing the ones she saw your face flicker in doubt over. "No. None of these." She said, being your voice when you felt like you couldn't turn the cat-quirked designer down. "You're putting her in these...baggy things. She's a mother, not an old woman." Yoshiko frowned. The designer flicked her black cat ears back, frowning.

"Well, I don't think (h/n) wants to flaunt anything at the moment." She said, gesturing in a not so descreet way at your current predicament. You looked down, feeling embarrassed.

"Excuse you." Yoshiko hissed. "You can take that attitude and shove it. So she's pumping. Big deal. I'd like to see you handle two hard rocks on your chest and be as dignified and calm as (h/n) is right now. And what happened to your brand being all about body positivity? (H/n) is recovering from birthing a *child*. And by the way, she looks amazing, for your information." She sneered. "Honestly. I think we can manage to get a new design-"

"No, no! I...I think I have some other dresses we can use!" She scrambled to the other dress bags on the rack. You looked at Yoshiko, mouthing the words, 'thank you.' She gave you a thumbs up.

Finally, what seemed like forever, your ducts were clear, and you had two bottles filled with milk. You carefully went to the kitchen, preparing to freeze them when Yoshiko came up. "Listen. I know you're nervous."

"Uh huh." You said softly, trying to be modest as you adjusted yourself back into your nursing bra. "I just...I don't want to look like an idiot."

"And you *won't.* I promise." She said, a hand on your shoulder. The brunette woman tossed her hair back, and gave you a grin. "I wouldn't do that to my best client."

Your smile wavered. She caught it. "Besides," she huffed, "I think if I did, your husband would ruin me."

You both chuckled.

As you came back into the living room, your eyes spotted a dress hanging off the leather couch. It was a light rose, sweetheart neckline chiffon floor length dress, with billowing long off-the-shoulder sleeves, capped at the end. It would highlight your decloté, and would make your neck look long for sure. It would also put your now rather ample breasts on display, and would even make access to them easier if you had to pump. You walked over to it, as the designer was setting out other options. Yoshiko didn't miss your reaction to the dress. "How about that one?" She asked the designer, who had turned to you-watching you finger the sleeves, her yellow cat eyes pinning.

"...We can try it." She said quietly. "I thought that it was too muted-"

"Its perfect." You said softly. You loved how flowy, how...*pretty* it looked. You would feel like a goddess in it.

They wasted no time. Soon, you were standing in front of a floor length mirror the designer had brought over, turning this way and that. The dress flowed and flared as you turned, and you smiled.

You felt like your old self again. You felt *beautiful*.

"Thats the one." Yoshiko nodded, the cat eared designer nodded as well.

It was decided. Miraculously, no adjustments were needed. You could even put your nursing pads inside without them peaking out. It was amazing.

Jewelry was next. That was quick enough. Delicate Pearls stringed in two were decided for your neck, and drop pearl earrings were placed in your ears. Nude strappy heels were laced up your mid calf, and soon the make up artist and stylist came in.

Things moved quickly. Your hair was set in a low bun, braided, and your hair was slicked back, giving your hair a wet look. Your make up was decided to be nude, to match the rose tone of the dress. You were looking *amazing*. You looked in the mirror again, and smiled.

There you were. Good to see you, old friend.

"Oh yeah." Yoshiko said. "Its all coming together."

You almost forgot about your new life, until a scream was heard from the baby monitor.

Everyone startled except you. "Ah...she needs to eat..." you frowned.

"Right. You said Dynamight's parents are coming over soon?" Yoshiko looked at her watch. You nodded, watching the designer, make up artist and stylist pack their things.

"Yeah. Any minute now." You said, grabbing one of the freshly pumped bottles. "I'll just give her this for now. It's still warm and I won't need to take anything off." You said. Yoshiko nodded. "I'll get everything cleared up in here. Dynamight should be here in...an hour? His agent called me. Hes getting ready over at his agency." Bless the woman for keeping you in the loop. As you said your farewells and thank yous to the others, you dashed to the nursery.

Katsumi was sitting up in her crib, her pink cheeks flushed as she wailed-only to stop when she saw you. Her wail turned into a squeal of delight and you chuckled. "Mommy's big girl have a good nap?"

She cooed, wiggling her bottom and her head side to side as she gave a gummy smile, little fists clenched in excitement. Wide, carmine eyes-katsuki's gazed back at you. They were intense, but she had your face, the red sharp in your soft features.

You scooped her up, and grabbed three extra spit up cloths. There was no way you were gonna ruin your dress with spit up breast milk.

As you encouraged her to suckle the bottle, she stared up at you unblinking. It was as if she were seeing you for the first time.

"Momma looks a bit different, I know." You whispered.

"Momma looks amazing." You heard a familiar voice. You looked up to see Katsuki, leaning on the doorframe. You blushed.

He looked good. He always cleaned up nice. He had a black suit, with a green dress shirt on, a satin black vest to compliment. His tie was black, too-with a silver tie clip. It had his signature symbol, a grenade with a small flash symbol around it. You recognized it as the one you gave to him the day of your wedding. You smiled fondly. "Best Jeanist didn't hassle you about doing your hair?" You teased, and he smirked. "He didn't get the chance. He sent his stylist over but I told him to pound sand." He smirked, like he was proud of himself. "Besides. I don't want to outshine you."

You chuckled. You continued to feed Katsumi. A comfortable silence, save Katsumi's sucking sounds and swallowed filled the air.

You heard a camera snap and you looked up, seeing Katsuki's phone out. "Hey!" You frowned. He shrugged, nonchalant.

"What? Can't take a picture of my sexy wife feeding my beautiful baby?" He smirked. "Saving that one for the albums."

"Katsuki!" You huffed. He chuckled. He came over, leaning over the rocking chair.

He dangled his hand in front of Katsumi's face, and she grabbed his finger. She continued to eat, her eyes now looking at him. "...s'weird. Seeing me in her." He whispered fondly. "Its...not bad, I mean-shes gorgeous. I just...sometimes can't believe we made her."

"Yeah...I know." You whispered. You both watched as she began to tug on Katsuki's fingers, her little legs began to slowly kick around. You smiled warmly. "Shes probably gonna be like you, you know." You said softly, brushing her bangs away from her face. You heard a soft snort.

"Well. Let's hope she won't be too bratty like me." He huffed.

You laughed. Katsumi finished, and he gently pried her hand away as you adjusted her for a burping.

You sat her up on your lap, gently tapping her back. "C'mon, baby girl. Gimmie a good one. No pukes, please..."

Miraculously, she only burped loudly. Katsuki sighed.

"Manners, kid. Ever hear of 'em?" He teased, hands sliding into his pockets as he went to the changing table. He set up a fresh diaper and a onesie as you laughed again. "With a grown-up sounding burp like that, you should start filing our taxes." He smirked.

"Totally," you played along, "and get a job while you're at it, Katsumi." You walked her over to the table, nodding your thanks at Katsuki for him preparing her things. He helped you clean her up, only wincing as you changed her soiled diaper.

"Never fails, the kid shits each time she eats." He mumbled, looking away and pinching his nose.

"Oh, come off it. She's just making room." You smirked, used to the scent and grossness of it all. He shook his head.

"Still don't get how it can smell like death-coming out of such a cute kid. Maybe she's possessed by some colon demon."

You gave him a deadpanned look. "Uh huh. That's what it is." You finished changing her, then remembered something. "Your mom told me your baby poops were the sa-"

"My mother told you about my *shits* as a baby??" He found himself red as he stared at you, completely embarrassed.

You nodded nonchalantly. "Oh, yeah. She told me once you completely blew out your pants, and cleared out a whole restaurant-"

"Bullshit!"

"Yeah, it probably smelled worse than that if it cleared out an entire restaurant!" You cackled.

He groaned, and mumbled curses under his breath. You just continued to smile and wipe Katsumi. "I'm sure I have some baby stories of my own. Not...that insane, but still." You said, still mirthful. You slipped a fresh diaper on Katsumi, who suddenly found her feet the most fascinating things in the world.

She cooed softly, her little pink lips forming an 'o'. "Yes, Katsumi. Those are feet. Your feet!" You said, and Katsuki looked over.

"Heh. Kid's flexible. Can grab her feet and shit." He watched as you maneuvered her legs without Katsumi breaking her hold on her toes. "She do that often?" He asked.

"Yeah, more recently. Especially during diaper changes." You said, snapping up her Uravity onesie. He got quiet.

"....Wish I'd seen it, first." You heard him mumble.

Ah.

"You know you can't help it. You're on patrols." You said softly, scooping her up and placing her in his arms. He frowned.

"Yeah, I get that. But shit...sometimes I wish I could be you and get to spend my day with her. See how she is, y'know. Not spend a few moments or just see her asleep in her basket." He said, his face neutral. He held out his hand to her while he held her on his hip. She tapped it with both her hands, continuing to go, 'oooh.'

You gave him a sympathetic smile. "Yeah, well...sometimes I wish I was back out there again. Being (h/n) again."

"You will be. Soon." He said softly. "Just...enjoy maternity leave, yeah?"

You sighed, leaning on the changing table. "Yeah..." you wanted to tell him how maternity leave really was. It was no picnic. In fact, it was sleepless nights.

Poop, pee, spit up and snot. Days where you forgot to take care of yourself until you took a whiff. Your body still bothered you. And your back? It hadn't been the same since delivering Katsumi. And you were pretty sure you had every baby song memorized at this point.

But sure. Enjoy maternity leave, he says.

Mitsuki and Masaru had picked up Katsumi, by now everyone knew the drill.

Breastmilk, a little puree, more breastmilk, and call if needed. "We won't be the whole night, we promise!" You said, handing Katsumi over in her carseat. Mitsuki chuckled.

"Yes, yes. We know. But really, you look amazing, (y/n)! Maybe Katsuki will give me another grandkid??" Mitsuki teased, and you shook your head.

"Not any time soon, I'm afraid." You chuckled.

Masaru also praised your looks. "I hope we can get photos?" He asked, and you gave him a small smile as he walked to the driver's seat.

"Yeah, we'll get a few." Katsuki said, loading her diaper bag in the back. "Just don't forget to give her her milk." He said, shutting their car door.

"We won't!" Mitsuki and Masaru said, and you both watched as they drove away. You both stood at the entrance of the apartment.

The self-doubt began to kick in.

"...Are you sure I can-"

Katsuki cut you off, "C'mon. The limo will be here any minute."

Right. You internally shuffled through your brain for your (h/n) mask.

Tonight, you were (h/n). And that was something you were born to be.

((I'm gonna make a third part. I know what I wanna do, but I feel like I'm droning so I wanna start a fresh chapter. Also please look at the comments for the dress I'm describing for what the reader is wearing. I didn't want a massive link in the post lol.))

[spaceyaemonds]

pairing: evan buckley x reader

sum.: in the aftermath of your traumatic birth, buck struggles to bond with your baby.

warnings: angsty, buck really struggling with his feelings and thoughts here, traumatic birth but no details aside from she almost died, implied that the reader has ppd, buck is a very very good husband, he is just really struggling, so is reader, good friend hen, buck and readers baby girl has a name (lowen), possible ooc!buck??? minors DNI

note: elaborated on this thought, but it’s more buck centered than a traditional x reader fic, i guess?? i do have a kind of part two, that will read as a standalone, of buck and reader talking more in depth on their feelings on the birth, their struggles, and the aftermath. unedited. and as always, any feedback is extremely appreciated, it helps keep me motivated. especially reblogs/comments/asks!

wc: roughly 1k

Evan loves your daughter. More than anything.

She’s nearly three months old and he already knows he would die for her.

But he can’t hold her most days, can’t even look at her some days.

All he can think about is the fact that you almost lost your life bringing her into this world.

Currently, he’s standing across from Hen in the station at the kitchen, lost in thought as she, unbeknownst to him, looks at him concerned.

Chim had mentioned to her that Maddie told him Evan has been struggling, but wouldn’t talk to anyone about it. It had you nervous, nervous enough to call your sister-in-law crying in the middle of the night when Evan picked up another overtime shift.

Trying to balance an infant, a semi-distant husband, recovering from an awful birth, and what you are fairly certain is PPD was beginning to take a toll on you, and in a moment of desperation you call Maddie.

Maddie, bless her, tried to talk to Evan, but he refused to tell her what was wrong and just promised to stop working overtime and be home with you more.

Hen clears her throat awkwardly, noticing Buck’s mind is clearly elsewhere, “So, how’s the baby doing?”

Evan has to bite back a sigh. The baby. All everyone does is ask about the baby.

“Uh, good. She’s good,”

Hen cocks an eyebrow at him, “Just good?”

Her tone is what catches Evan’s attention the most, and it causes him to be defensive, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Hen holds her hands up in mock surrender, “I just mean, all you could talk about for months was this baby, how excited you were for her to be here, all the plans you guys had. And now that she’s here…” Hen trails off lightly, not sure how to approach this conversation now that she’s started it.

Buck is quiet for a long minute, before he sighs and lets out a whisper of your name.

This catches Hen’s attention, “What about her?”

When he looks back up at her, his eyes look so sad, and it makes her chest hurt.

“She almost died and,” He takes a deep breath to try to calm himself down before he gets too worked up.

“I don’t know what I would have done if something happened to her,”

Hen nods, brows still furrowed in slight confusion.

She, hell everyone, knew that Lowen’s birth had been extremely difficult.

Buck had gotten a call from Maddie in the middle of a 9-1-1 call that you had gone into early labor and he really needed to be there.

By the time they had finished the call, Maddie had called Chim and told him things had taken a rough turn, but everyone was okay, you guys just didn’t want visitors at the moment.

She put her hand on his, squeezing, “But everything turned out okay. She and the baby are both perfect,”

Buck nodded, but bit his lip, “I had this fear, this awful feeling when they rushed her away from me to that OR, that if she died I would resent the baby- that I would resent Lowen.”

His words take Hen, and himself, by surprise. It’s his first time admitting out loud, and there’s no taking it back.

It was true, though. For a split moment, as they wheeled you away and took you to have the emergency c-section, all he could do was beg God not to take you from him, and in that split moment, he didn’t even think about his baby.

There had been blood everywhere when he came in, he didn’t know what was happening, why you had looked so pale, why Maddie had tears in her eyes as she tried to explain everything to Evan.

His ears rang the whole time. He didn’t even react when they came and told him all was well with the baby. All he could think about was you.

Later, when he sat in your room with you as you held her for the first time, crying at how perfect she was, felt extremely guilty. She was-is perfect. The most beautiful baby he’s ever seen.

But he couldn’t shake the feeling of you almost dying to get her here, and he couldn’t ever tell you that.

So, at home he did absolutely everything you needed, every small thing you asked- except for when it came to the baby unless absolutely necessary.

Every time he held her, all he could see was your pale face when they wheeled you to surgery.

He tried, he really fucking tried. But she could sense his unease, his fear, and she would cry and cry until you took her. And you would cry and cry, not able to understand. And Evan would cry too, for causing it all.

Hen looked at him, sympathy in her dark eyes, “Buck, have you talked to her about this?”

He shook his head, unease in his eyes, “No, no. She, uh, she would hate me,”

Hen frowned, “I’ve known that girl a long time. I don’t think she could ever hate you. Especially not for feeling like this.”

Buck looked at her like she’d grown a second head, “She loves the baby more than anything. She would hate me if she knew how I felt.”

Hen laughed lightly, “You love that baby more than anything, too. I know you do. You just need to talk to your wife. I’m sure this isn’t easy for her either,”

Buck frowned at that. You hadn’t talked about it, at all. And he didn’t bring it up, because he didn’t think he could either.

He mulled over his talk with Hen for the rest of their shift, deciding that talking to you was for the best.

When he got home, he cautiously took the baby from you, holding her close and pulled you into his opposite side, finally feeling a weight lift off his shoulders.

[slimybeth69]

Venus in Furs: Part 2

Summary: After saving your life and getting you back to Jackson, things with you and Joel feel different. While navigating this new life, raising a teenager with a man you think you know-- you run into someone unexpected.

WARNINGS: This story contains DARK themes, HIGHLY dubious consent in early chapters. Pregnancy. Pregnancy loss. talks of child abuse. therapy speak. mean!joel, dark!joel, liar!joel. unreliable narration. multiple povs. cheating. mental health- PTSD, PPD. mentions of suicide attempts. highly adult sexual themes.

a/n: I'm not kidding when I say that this shit gets dark. I try and keep this as real as fucking possible. Please be aware of the things you consume and if none of those themes are for you, please think twice about checking this story out. Before you read this, I recommend reading Crybaby and Such Small Hands. You don't have to, but you'll probably be confused.

a/n pt2: No use of y/n. No physical descriptions of the reader. Reader has a pretty extensive background (sorry, it's interesting though), story focuses on Joel and readers relationship, while also following her parental relationship with Ellie.

w/c: ~ 28k~

I did go through his chapter and change some things and fix some stuff. Not all of it though because what's a good slimybeth69 story without some grammatical errors and spelling mistakes and run on sentences.

Joel did fuck a baby into you the next morning.

Neither one of you knew it at the time. But he did it gently and slowly and you really felt the love he had for you when he did it. Slow and gentle thrusts, no force, no jolting movements. His hips were fluid and flush against yours most of the time and you spoke softly into each other's mouths.

You were thankful for Joel for waiting because it was perfect and you were clear headed and not afraid. You didn’t even panic when he was between your legs.

In your weird-not-as-much-blood-as-you-should-have-inside-you, high, fucked up state; your fear of that position had been conquered.

“I love you, Bird.” He whispers into your neck as he finishes inside of you. It’s what you both wanted. Regardless of what Maria said; you cared for him and wanted the same thing he did. You know that in your clear headed state. Even if your leg was aching the whole time. It felt good to feel like a normal person again. It felt good to not have any anxiety. 

“I love you, Joel.” You coo into his ear as he withdraws from you.

Joel kisses you softly before he crawls off the bed completely. Off to the bathroom. This is the new routine now after sex. Sex. Bathroom. Wipes himself down and comes out, dick swinging and then cleans up between your legs.

“You tell me not to stare at it but you just leave it out for me to stare at!” You exclaim when you catch Joel’s eye after looking at it the entire time he walks across the room to his dresser. 

“I like when you look at it. I like givin’ you shit more, though.” Joel says as he tugs on a pair of boxers. 

“I’ve been meaning to tell you to get some less tight jeans, Jesus Christ, that thing is visible all the time! Everyone can see it! ” You point to his groin as he zips his jeans up. He looks down and adjusts it but does nothing to hide it. “See!” 

“I’m not going to find less tight jeans. Let’s all the ladies know what you’re—” Joel snickers but you stop him.

“That’s exactly what I don’t want! Other women lookin’ at it! Get a fuckin apron or a tool belt or something to cover that thing up.” You point at his groin with your open hand.

“Stop talkin’ about it. He’s gettin’ all excited again from your attention! “C’mon, we gotta get ready for worship.” Joel is now buttoning up his nice flannel shirt. 

“Okay! I’ll stop. I have to shower.” You start to stand up but Joel stops you, hands around your waist, pulling you back to him. 

“Keep me in you. Wear me to worship… worship my come. Shower when you get home, baby girl.” Joel kisses the side of your face softly and smacks your ass. 

“You’re a freak.” You look at him with fondness in your heart because so are you. 

"You... uh still want me to... I dunno... want me t'spit in your mouth 'n choke you, letchya spank--"

“Are you trying to prove something? Because all you're doing is proving my point..." You smirk at him.

"Yet here y'are."

Ellie and you walk hand in hand in front of Joel into the House of Worship. You have never been very religious but Joel told you to just give it a chance. So you do. It’s actually nice. No God talks at all. It’s a House of Worshiping the fact that we are all still here and lucky enough to have each other. We worship this colony that keeps us safe. We are all a ‘family’ in a sense when we live here. We worship our neighbors and the food we are given daily. It was nice. It feels like every single person who lived in the colony showed up. 

There is a social hour in the basement after. Ellie wants to go because Dina is going to be there. Oh la la. It must be why Ellie wore her nicest and most clean shirt today. Joel grabs you by the hand and introduces you to everyone. 

“Ava, this is Birdie.” Joel introduces you to a tall, beautiful blonde woman. She’s probably five years older than you. Closer to Joel’s age. She is almost as tall as he is. Her eyes are an emerald green and she is in great shape. 

You hate her. 

“Hi! It’s so nice to finally meet you!” She hugs you like she is your best friend. You hug her back because you want to be polite to Joel’s friend. You do not like her though. Her voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard.

Not really. It's not terrible, but you already hate her.

“It’s nice to meet you too! I’ve heard so much about Miss. Ava from Ellie, and Joel just loves your jam.” You have acrid bile coming up your throat at the counterfeit kind tone you have.

It must come across pretty naturally because she laughs, and then touches Joel’s arm.

She better remove those pretty fingers from that strong bicep, you know, if she wants to keep ‘em for making jam and everything.

You know the importance of fingers when it comes to kneading bread and making jam.

So why is she touching your boyfriend like that? 

“He was going through,what, a jar every two or three days while you were in the medical center?" She is looking right at Joel when she’s talking to you. Right into his big brown eyes and—

Joel's big, dumb eyes are looking right into her emerald ones! Looking right into them like he’s lost in there and cannot find his way out. 

"Ain't that interesting..." You nod your head and watch as they look at each other intently.

Unspoken words are happening right in front of you.

What the fuck is going on?

"Once I'm able to bake bread and make jam, I'll be sure to send some to school with Ellie. As a thank you, for making sure Joel here was full of it," you smile... maybe too sweetly.

This comment pulls Joel’s brown eyes away from Ava’s beautiful bewitching eyes and looks down at you. 

“I will let you two catch up. I should go introduce myself to everyone.” You sneak away fast with your little limp before Joel can protest.

There are a couple awkward moments of you weaving throughout the crowd of people, trying to put as much distance between Joel and that witch Ava.

You pause and introduce yourself to a young woman who looks about your age.

“Hi, I’m Birdie.” You wave to her nicely and smile.

Her blue eyes light up and she also hugs you like you are best buddies. “Bird! I know all about Birdie! I work down at the market as well as the greenhouse and you are all Joel talks about when he comes in. Bird this. Bird that. I thought he was talking about a real bird at first and I had to ask what kinda bird it was he was taking care of so good up in that house.”

This woman speaks so fast it makes your head spin.

“I’m Connie. It’s so nice to finally meet you. I been waitin’ for you to get outta that house! I need someone to hang out with! Joel said you’re the same age as me and, that’s amazing.” She continues to talk as fast as you have had to run for your life sometimes, and it’s hard to take in everything she is saying. 

“Wow!"

"I know, ain't it somethin'?" Connie is beaming. She seems so sweet and nice.

"Did you say that you work at a greenhouse? We have one of those?” You ask curiously. It would be so nice to have something to do besides just sit at home and wait for Joel and Ellie to get home.

It’s not like there is anything else to do. You could read but there are barely any books. You’d have to go on an outing to try and find some but books are so heavy. So heavy. 

“Yeah! Me and Jacob need help real bad. We run the greenhouse and also the market. It’s gettin’ to be a lot with just the two of us.” And then Jacob turns around at the sound of his name. 

“Ya’ll talkin’ about me? I didn’t do it. I don’t know nothin’ about it.” 

You're not expecting the familiar face that turns around to look at you.

"Jackie?" Your voice croaks the name out as every drop of moisture evaporates out of your mouth.

This has to be a dream-- a nightmare.

Jackie Harris, the only other man on this plant to have seen you naked, to have touched you in ways that no other person has, besides Joel, is standing here in front of you.

"Jackie Harris?"

His hazel eyes go wide when you say his name. You watch the realization, the recognition hit him like then thousand pounds of bricks.

He says your name-- your real name, and it feels like home. His voice, his eyes, the way he smiles when he realizes that this is also actually happening.

“No fucking way. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. Holy fucking shit.” You don't know how you two started holding onto each other's forearms in this sudden and insane turn of events. “You look just like you did in high school. Except your hair. Your hair is different. You look just like you did the last time I saw you.” Jackie’s eyes scan all over your face and neck and down to your chest. “You look incredible.”

So the fuck does he! With his jet black hair and is fucking beautiful caramel brown eyes. Wow. He just looks like an older version of your high school boyfriend. He doesn’t look aged or haggard. He just looks older. Taller. More handsome and muscular. His arms feel strong under your hands and he’s gripping you so tightly like he cannot believe your real. 

“Wow.” You whisper as your eyes scan his face and chest and neck and down to his middle. You cannot believe he is here either. “How did you get here? When did you get here?” 

“I was part of this original colony, but I had been gone for a while. I was on a scouting mission to Bend, Oregon with some of our military guys. I got back a couple weeks ago. When did you get here?” He is still looking you up and down. 

“I was here before... a couple months ago, and then I left...and then I came back.” You feel awestruck. The words come out of you dreamily, like you're floating.

You snap back to reality. Very quickly.

“I had to help my boyfriend with something.” You add, because you did not forget about Joel.

No. He’s here. Also. As well.

With your ex-boyfriend from high school.

Joel is currently dripping out of your pussy and into your underwear.

  It’s fine. Everything. Is. Fine.

“You’re cheating on me? I didn’t think we ever broke up.” Jackie smiles down at you.

Fuck! Stop smiling.

He used to be so cute in school. He was one of the cute popular boys and now he is a hot, handsome man.

Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!

You look over at the woman who is still looking at you, smiling. It's like she can read the question that's forming on your lips-- even though you have no reason to ask, or care, or even want to know.

Connie drops the smile and shakes her head. 

“Ew. No. We’ve been traveling together…or like… almost ten years? He found me with a broken leg and took care of me while it healed. He’s like my brother.” Connie explains. You nod in understanding. “Ew. No. Gross .” Connie makes a disgusted sound, like she might be retching as she walks away. 

“Hey.” Joel’s voice sounds very unimpressed with the image in front of him. His new girlfriend holding the arms of another man– a handsome man.

Joel is looking him up and down– while this handsome man embraces his new girlfriend's forearms in his strong hands? No. Joel does not like this at all. “What’s goin’ on?” He eyes you up and down now skeptically. 

“Joel, you’re not going to believe this. This is my ex-boyfriend from high school. The one I talked about.”

Because you have talked of him, fondly . He was a good boy. Always nice and respectful. Had a nice big dick too if you can remember correctly but you’re not remembering. Nope. Not even thinking about it.

What is a cock?

Nobody better ask you, ‘cause you don’t know. 

“Oh. Hey–it’s nice to meet you.” Joel offers his hand for a shake and Jackie slaps his hand in Joel’s with some force and they shake…for a while. 

“Joel...we do patrol together on Wednesday nights,” Jackie looks so confused as to how Joel just forgot who he was. 

Joel knew who Jacob was?

Was he was just too flustered to fucking say the right thing!?

Joel’s eyes move back and forth in the sockets while he searches for something to say.

This might be the first time you've ever seen Joel speechless, or at a loss for words in any situation.

"Right." Joel says finally after a painfully long time of silence.

Your stomach cringes up inside of you because what the fuck was that!? Ugh! It makes you wanna die for Joel. That was awful. You wish you could leave. Right now. 

“Jackie, I’ll come see you about that greenhouse job soon. We’ll have to catch up sometime.” You pull Joel away, who is still staring at Jackie, and try to find an exit door or some place that does not have what feels like ten thousand people in it. 

“Oh, you’re goin’ t’work for him?” Joel says as you two walk outside. There are people walking by so he lowers his tone and takes a step towards you. “That really your ex-boyfriend? Are you fuckin’ shittin’ me?” Joel sounds like he’s upset with you. 

“What? You think I called him up and told him about this place, said I missed him, and told him to come over?” You start laughing because now he’s the jealous one!

“No jokes.”

Uh oh.

Joel is serious. “You wanna work for him?” He does not think you’re funny right now.

He must have not smoked your medicine this morning. 

“I’d like something to do during the day. I enjoy gardening. You know this. I’ve told you before. Connie says they need help anyway.” You kiss Joel on the mouth and he stares at you, giving you no kiss back. He’s stone-faced, his eyes follow you around in the socket.

“Connie his ol’lady?"

You want to lie and say yes to make things go easier but you don’t like to lie to Joel. Or anyone really. 

“No. It’s his sister. Travel companion.” You explain. “Joel, I'm not interested in him. I just want something to do during the day. Something I like. How lucky would I be to have that? You get that! You like being a carpenter. I wanted to work in the greenhouse before I even knew Jackie ran it.” 

“His name is Jacob. No one calls him Jackie .” Joel grumbles.

You chuckle softly at his jealousy. “How is Ava?” You flick your eyebrows up to him once and cross your arms over your chest.

Joel rolls his eyes.

“Exactly! You were at her house every two days for jam!? Gimmie a break. And she was touching on you. Joel, she wants to fuck you.”

Joel’s eyes snap back to yours. “No she doesn’t.” Joel says this like it’s something he’s convinced of. 

Interesting .

“Oh? I bet if you tried she wouldn’t turn you down.” You roll your eyes at him now. 

“Oh, like Jacob would turn you down? Did you see the way he was lookin’ at you in there?” Joel points to the door you just walked out of. “Undressing you with his eyes. I do it all the time. I know what it looks like!” 

Joel is big jealous. Big mad. Big feelings. 

“Oh, get over it. I wasn’t undressing him, which is all that matters. Do you not trust me? Have I given a reason for you not to trust me? No. I don’t lie to you. I never have.” You keep your arms crossed and turn your nose up at him. “I never even slept with him.”

Joel is by your side, his nose is in your ear. “You better never, ever do it, either.” He growls. “ Mine, remember?" He sounds so upset. You think he might be growling to cover up the…fear in his tone?" I’m your swinging dick. You’re my ol’lady. Don’t forget that.”

You pull away from him and look up into his brown eyes but they are angry. Narrowed right on to yours. 

“I don’t forget things.” You start walking back towards the building and into the building. Joel stays outside.

It’s funny to you now, walking away because you’ve been forgetting a lot lately– like, so much more than normal.

“This is my Mom!” You hear Ellie’s voice ring out over all the others and then her loud, clunky footsteps but they are accompanied by another set of footsteps. 

“Hi Mrs. Miller. Ellie doesn’t stop talking about you.” It’s Dina! Ellie wants you to meet Dina! Oh this is so—

What the fuck did Ellie just call you?

For the first time? In public and in front of other people?

She planned this so you wouldn’t make a big deal about it…you think. 

“Hi. It’s Dina, right?” You ask, holding your hand out to shake, she shakes it with vigor. Dina nods, and smiles at Ellie. “It’s nice to meet you. She pointed out where all her friends live when she showed me around.” You cover your tracks because you’re a good mom and don’t wanna give away that Ellie talks about Dina all the time. 

“Mom, can I go to the movies with the kids from school? Joel said that I could go yesterday, and I just wanna make sure it’s okay with you.” Ellie is hanging on to Dina’s jacket sleeve.

You’re hanging on by a thread because she just called you mom again. Stay calm, don’t embarrass your daughter.

It’s so hard. You wanna squeeze her until she explodes.

“As long as you’re home for supper, I’m fine with it. Have fun. Make good choices .” You lean in and kiss Ellie on the forehead. “Love you, Squeak. See you later.” You adorn her with the nickname your mom had for you growing up.

Ellie and Dina take off together and are suddenly joined by ten other kids and they all run off.

Joel is beside you. suddenly, his arm touching yours. “Where she goin’?” He asks, all the anger has left his voice. His hand finds yours and he holds it gently.

“Movies. With Dina. ” You bump your hip into his. You want to tell him what Ellie said, what she called you....but she calls Joel…Joel. So you don’t know. Maybe she will always call him that? You don’t know. You’ll wait until you talk to Ellie about it unless she says it in front of him first. 

“Sorry if I was an ass. I didn’t mean to be.” Joel squeezes your hand. He’s trying. 

“It’s okay. I got jealous too. I love you.” You rest your head on his shoulder and watch everyone mingle in the basement of the old church. 

“Love you, Bird. Wanna go for a walk with me?” 

“You’re not going to be mad if I go work, right? At the greenhouse?” Joel’s eyes are on you as you speak, you can feel them but you don’t look up to him. You keep your eyes on the sidewalk in front of you. “I just don’t wanna be bored.” You shrug.

There hasn't been enough time for you to be bored. You just got home from the hospital a week ago.

This life though, this new, calm and peaceful life with no threats feels....uncomfortable. It shouldn't, you should be thankful for the time you get to rest, and relax and sleep with your eyes closed the entire night-- not having to wake up and take watch. Not snapping your eyes open at the smallest sounds, the most insignificant noises because...what could it be?

It's quiet at night. It's unsettling.

All of this new life feels so strange.

“You’re gonna work if we have kids?” Joel asks, squeezing your hand softly in his. 

“I could. I could work in the market with Connie. Bring a baby right to work with me. Strap it right to my chest or back. Women do that in parts of the world, you know. Work with babies wrapped right up to them.” You cradle the air in front of your bust. 

“If that’s what you want, Bird.” Joel doesn’t sound like he’s convinced himself he’s okay with this. 

“Hey.” You finally stop and look up at him. “I was just shocked to see him. A familiar face. It was nice. Reminds me of a time I had almost started to think wasn’t real.” You hold back tears. “Memories of a– a simpler time. You have those memories, don’t you? You get them with Tommy.”

Joel is looking down at you, his face is not soft or understanding. He is listening to you though.

“I don’t know. I didn’t ever think I’d see someone from home– from my childhood? Never. It was just shocking to know he’s still alive. A brain fuck that he’s here in Jackson, of all places.” You take a step forward and press your chest into Joel. “Doesn’t mean you have anything to worry about. Or be jealous of.” You purse your lips together for a kiss.

Joel huffs, rolls his eyes and gives you a peck on the corner of the mouth. “Fine. I don’t like it. Not one bit. I can’t cage my Bird though.” He kisses you on the forehead now, longer than the peck. 

“You don’t have to like it. I don’t like that you still eat Ava’s shitty jam.” You sneer up at him gently, almost playfully. Joel laughs and wraps his arms around your neck and holds you close to him. 

“Shitty jam. You liked it.” He’s still laughing. “Thought it was real good until you found out who made it.” Joel continues laughing. “Brat. You're a lil brat.” Joel growls into the top of your head before he kisses it softly. “My brat. Do you want to go up top? You been up there?” Joel’s eyes shoot to the top of the wall that surrounds the colony. 

“I haven’t been up there. Are there a lot of stairs?” You wrinkle your nose.

Joel shakes his head and then stops. You see the gears turning. 

“Kinda. I’ll piggy back you up on them. Like last night. C’mon, Bird. It’s pretty up there. Pretty sure you can see your old cabin.” Joel grabs your hand and slowly leads you towards the entrance of the giant wall that keeps out all the bad. 

It’s easier to hop up onto Joel’s back today than it had been last night. You actually held on with one arm around his neck and the other gripping his shoulder as he carried you up the two flights of stairs to the top.

“My big, strong future husband.” You whisper into his ear as he nears the top. He likes this. He grips your legs tighter and makes a sound from deep in his chest. 

Things are already feeling different with Joel. Things feel more like they did on the road when he’d be nice to you in front of Ellie and hold your hand towards the end near Salt Lake. You do love Joel. So much. You almost forgot about Jackie already but then he pops back into your head just for a second. His nice smile and beautiful hazel eyes. 

“Bird, leggo f’me.” Joel is at the top of the stairs and you haven’t noticed because you’re thinking about someone else's eyes! No! Don’t do it! Stop! You ease yourself down off of Joel and he takes your hand again. “C’mon.” Joel leads you around the platform behind the outer edge of the wall. There are two sections. The outer part is the defense around the perimeter. The inner part of the wall, it’s hollow the entire way around. Then another wall, the interior. There are five feet between the two separate walls, and a platform around the entire thing for the patrol. 

“How do I get on patrol duty?” You ask as Joe slowly walks you around the large circle. 

“You’d do patrol?” Joel asks like he cannot believe you’d want to do that. 

“Do I get a cool fuckin’ vest like him?” You eye the guard on patrol now in his bulletproof, tan camouflage vest.

Joel and him both chuckle as Joel gives him a nod. “Ken.” 

“Joel.” The man in the vest says. “I got extra, if she wants one!” He calls out as Joel leads you further around the circle. 

“I do want a vest from Ken. I do. Get me one. I mean it." You do your best to keep up with Joel. “Slow down, Jesus. My leg!” You hiss at him. It feels like he’s running.

What is he running from?

You realize in that moment how fucked you’d be if anything happened to this colony. You’d have to hide. Have to. You wouldn’t be able to run for shit. Couldn’t climb a tree. Probably couldn’t even get up the stairs. You’re having a panic attack. 

“Baby? What’s wrong?” Joel is in front of you, holding onto your shoulders as you’re stopped in the middle of the platform. Eyes moving ten billion miles a minute in your head.

It feels like you can't breathe at all.

“Bird! What s’wrong? Are you okay?”

No! No you’re not okay. You are a sitting duck with this leg and you do not like it. Not one bit. You also don’t like the fact that you’d be a sitting duck nine months pregnant. Nope. Don’t like that. 

“No baby.” You whisper. “Bad leg. C-can’t run. Pregnant? Run? Baby? CRYING? ” It just comes out as panicked, incoherent babbling.

Neither of you, Joel or yourself, had put no real thought into what having a baby means. Not even a little. You had at one point, but all the common sense you had was tossed out the window when Joel started calling you a lil girl and telling you he wanted to put a baby inside you .

Mother-fucker. 

Sonofabitch . 

“What are you talkin’ about?”

Joel does nothing to try and piece together the string of words you had let fall out of your mouth.

There is a sentence inside of you that can relay all of the panic inside of you. It goes--

Joel, how could we possibly bring a new life into this world, into this place when we don't know what's going to happen? Nothing is promised, especially not our safety. How would we calm and quiet a cranky, crying baby if anything were to ever happen to these carefully constructed walls? How would we ever get out of here-- all four of us, in one piece?

What you end up saying is--

“Baby!? Crying!?”

Joel stops moving and stares into your eyes. Both of you are silent and still. For several minutes.

You think that he is reading your mind, silently understanding your fears and concerns. He's dealing with all of that in his head right now and you start to relax just a little.

“I don’t hear a baby crying.” Joel says to you so seriously, while still staring at you. 

“Not now!” You bark at him in your panicked state, and you shake yourself free from his hands.

"Watch it," Joel growls at you, narrowing his eyes.

Now is not the time to correct your tone-- not even a little bit.

“We want to have a baby?" The harshness from your voice is gone, but the worry and fear still drip off your tongue.

Joel starts to say something, but you don't let him get the words out before you're speaking again.

"I cannot run on my leg. What would we do if something happened?” You raise an eyebrow at him and cross your arms over your chest. Joel looks around and puts his arm around your shoulders and walks you slowly away from the patrol who is looking at you guys pretty hard.

“What are you talkin’ ‘bout? Nothin’s gonna happen.” Joel sounds like he’s pretty sure of this.

"Oh like you didn't think anything was going to happen on the road!" You exclaim.

Joel narrows his eyes on yours again, "Watch. It."

The intimidating voice and his scary eyes are completely ignored by you and your racing thoughts.

“We never know what’s going to happen out there, Joel. I told Ellie that in the basement of that house when I thought you were going to die! We sound stupid saying that nothing’s going to happen.” You whisper, fully aware now that you’re not at your house and basically on a stage for everyone to look at.

You keep your voice low. “I told Ellie that she needs to remember that she’s not untouchable and look at us: forgetting the same fucking thing.” You’re so disappointed in yourself.

Joel doesn’t say anything for a long time. He just walks you around the entire colony and you never actually stop to look at anything like he wanted. You just walk and think in silence.

It’s like Joel got baby stupid and forgot all these things too and now he’s suddenly remembering that wood walls and guns don’t keep out fires and other things with guns. Or explosives. 

Joel doesn’t piggy back you down the stairs, he helps you get down them carefully like your words did something to him and now he has to get you better. Immediately. No more babying you. No more carrying. You’re getting that leg better or it’s going to kill Joel. 

“Okay. Talk to me calm. Slow. I need to know what you’re thinkin’.” Joel says as you two get home and inside. He leads you to the couch. 

You explain to him everything going through your head. How would you carry a baby if your leg doesn’t heal all the way? How are you going to run from danger and protect a child and Ellie and yourself if you can barely run away? Can’t climb for shit, don’t know if you ever will be able to again.

Joel listens without saying a word. You continue to explain how the wall is a false sense of security. It always is. Maria and Tommy can have their baby. You and Joel need to focus on keeping Ellie alive. 

“Fuck.” Joel rubs his hands over his eyes and leans back against the couch. “You’re right. We got baby fever, got caught up in it.” Joel sighs, his hands still over his eyes. 

“I know. It sucks. I was really excited about it. Maybe it’s not off the table completely but this place is still so new. So fresh. Let it establish, settle a little longer. Then we can see?” You look up at Joel from your place beside him on the couch. “See how my leg heals?” 

“Yeah. Yeah. We’ll get married first. See what happens.” Joel leans in and kisses the top of your head. He wraps one arm around your neck and pulls you close into him. You rest your head on his shoulder and feel like you could cry. 

“Yeah.” You choke out— so sadly. You’re so sad. This sucks.

Fuck.

“So this is where we grow everything for the market out front. It’s all fruits and veggies. Joel and Tommy said they’d work on expanding it for us.” Jackie explains as he walks you through the greenhouse. “Maybe you can get that expedited for us.” He winks at you and you feel all the blood rush to your cheeks. 

“I’ll put in a work order with the carpenters and see what I can do.” You look into all the raised garden beds and all the plants growing out of them. 

“It’d be appreciated by everyone. We’d be able to dig into the ground. The soil is so lush and fertile here. We’d be able to expand what everyone gets weekly. Connie wants to start a pumpkin patch—”

“A pumpkin patch would be such a good idea.” You interrupt on accident but this does excite you. “Sorry, we could do pumpkins and get some corn planted. Some more wheat.” You point to the corner of the greenhouse that is dedicated to wheat and it’s almost depleted. “We could do barley and hops. The guys at the bar could set up a distillery. Make moonshine and beer.” 

“Wow. Look at you with all these good ideas.” Jackie turns, leaning against a table behind him. “You were always full of ideas. Not always good ones. Remember when you tried to back my car out of the driveway and knocked over your neighbors–”

“Mailbox? Yes. I do.” You chuckle and lean against the a large, raised garden bed. “I got into so much fucking trouble for that.” You look up at Jackie, he’s smiling at you. “My dad tried to tell me I couldn’t see you for a month—”

“I saw you that night.” Jackie finishes what you were gonna say. You nod at him. “Sure did see you that night.” He sounds sentimental. It’s making your stomach flutter because you remember what you did with him that night. Got naked in the back of his car and touched. Nothing more. Just touched but he saw you. Really saw you that night for the first time. 

“We did a lot of stupid shit back then.” You’re smirking so hard it’s turning into a smile too. Shit. Stop smiling at him. You probably look so dumb smiling at him like this.

“Sure did.” Jackie is looking at you through his lashes. He doesn’t seem devious. Not at all. Just silly. “Remember the time your mom cut my hair—” 

“And bleached the tips! Frosted tips! Oh my God! Yes!” You laugh again because he looked so fucking cute but he hated it. Hated it so much and your mom wouldn’t die it back or cut it until he grew it out a little. 

“I was so mad at your mom… ” Jackie was laughing but stopped quickly. "She still..?"

“No. I think she got as far as like, Akron Ohio, then she got taken out pretty quick.” You look down to the ground and your shoes. “What about your parents?” 

“Both made it out of Jersey. My mom stayed with a colony down in Texas but it was culty as fuck. My dad and I split and made our way up here but he passed two years ago. Heart attack out in the woods. I think. He wasn’t infected. Not shot. Just died hunting one day.” Jackie’s voice doesn’t quiver once. “Your dad last long? Seems like the kinda guy who would last long.” 

“He did. Died... maybe four years ago? I can’t remember. Got an infection in his blood. Went septic real quick after that.” Jackie nods as you explain. “Sucked to watch him die like that.”

“Damn. Surprised he didn’t shoot himself. Or worse, make you do it.” Jackie chuckles a little and so do you because that is something your dad would have made you do. 

“I was shocked too. I couldn’t believe he suffered like that for so long, ya know? He was such a hard head I thought for sure he’d limp out into the woods and end it before it got as bad as it did. He suffered to the very end.” You remember it like it was yesterday. Listening to him crying and begging to not die.

“Scared.” Jackie is looking at you when you back up at him from your feet again. “He was scared. Normal. I’da been scared. Hell, I’m still scared most of the time. These walls don’t mean shit.” You nod at him when he speaks.

“Yeah, I just had that realization yesterday after worship. It’s scary. Nothing like before the outbreak.” You sigh and shove your hands into your hoodie pocket. 

“Not even a little bit. I like this colony. The people are great but they’re all a little wall-blinded. Too comfortable.” Jackie takes a step towards you, you try to step back but there is the garden bed behind you. “Do you want the job?” He holds his hand out for yours and you nod.

“Yeah, I would.” You put your hand inside his and--

What the fuck was that? That... feeling?

Why are you buzzing the way you are? What did this man do to you? He did nothing. Not one single thing but hold your hand and shake it gently.

His eyes look into yours for a long time, he holds your hand in his as he stares at you. 

“You look so…” Jackie trails off and you pull your hand away from his. “Sorry, it’s just real crazy seeing you again.” He doesn’t take his eyes off your face. They’re focused directly onto your lips and you would kiss him if it weren’t for Joel. 

“I have to get home. Ellie will be home from school soon. I’ll come back in the morning. You can show me what I’ll be doing.” You sidestep Jackie and move as fast as your body will allow you out of the back door of the greenhouse. 

Shit. Shit. Shit. Does Joel have something to be jealous of? No. Not even a little bit. Right? Fuuuck. Shiiit. This is worse than Ava’s dry fuckin’ bread. God dammit. No fucking way.

You find a tiny piece of happiness carved right out in the woods and the two only men who have ever seen you naked are in the same colony? What are the chances? Really? You’d love to fucking know.

This sounds like some fucked up warning that your mom would give you about fooling around. 

"Keep your clothes on. You never know who is gonna see you, and then you have to see them, knowing they’ve seen you with no clothes on. For the rest of your life, Squeak! Keep your bra on! Don’t let the boys see nothin’!"

Now you wish you had kept your bra on. So badly. So, so badly.

Oh dear, it felt like... you might have kissed if you hadn't left when you had. You don’t know for sure, but it sure fucking felt like you guys were about to kiss.

You think about what Joel said to you once. 

“I’d kill anyone who ever touched you.”

Now you are terrified for Jackie!

Joel and Jackie do patrols on Wednesday nights together.

Lest a horrible accident befall Jackie this Wednesday. You’d never forgive Joel if an accident happened to Jackie while Joel was around.

You know what Joel is capable of. You’ve seen it with your own eyes. He’s also told you! He's told you what he did!

Joel told you bits and pieces of the things he did to people he would have considered innocent in this fucked up world of take take take.

Jackie is an innocent!

Fuck! 

“Where ya' goin'?” Joel’s voice booms from all around you somehow.

It's almost breaks your neck how fast you whip your head around looking for him.

Then he lets out a sharp whistle that makes you look straight up.

"Where ya' limpin' off to in such a hurry, baby girl?" Joel is peering over the rooftop of the building you were walking beside.

“Home. I just got the job at the market and greenhouse.” You shield your eyes from the sun so you can see him better. Looking into his face makes you feel better. He’s just as hot as he was before he left for work this morning.

“I bet you did.” Joel rolls his eyes. “Hold on, I’m comin’ down.” And then he’s gone. He reappears from behind the building, down an alley. “Bird. Psst. C’mere.” He nods you over with his head. You limp to him. He pulls you completely behind the building he had been working on top of. 

Joel’s mouth is on yours and his hand is down the front of your pants before you can say hi to him. You’re soaked and he is… curious as to why. 

“Wet?" Joel growls into your parted lips as his fingers thrum against your clit quickly. "Th'fuck did you do for your interview, huh?"

“I was thinking about you.” You lie to him. “Thinkin’ about how you fucked me so good this morning, Daddy.” You whisper into his ear.

Joel loves this, loves the way you’re speaking to him in public. He forces his hands further down the front of your jeans. The fabric stretches so tight that you can hear the faint creaking and ripping of the worn, thin threads keeping them together. This doesn't stop Joel, he doesn't care. His fingers slide between your velvet and into your entrance. 

“My lil girl. You are. My sweet girl.” Joel coos softly. “Come for me before you go home baby.” He pulls his fingers from within you now that they're coated in your slick and circles them around your clit quickly. “Come lil baby. I love hearing you try and hold back.”

You are trying to hold back the gasps and moans from how fast Joel's thick, strong fingers are pushing you towards bliss. It feels so good. The calloused pads of his fingers rub against you quickly and with force behind them. Joel’s warm breath on your ear and neck as he whispers dirty things.

“Love touchin’ your perfect pussy. Wanna feel you come on me before I go back to work. Hurry lil girl, I don’t got all day.” He growls against the side of your face as he works his fingers against you quicker. 

“Daddy,” you moan breathlessly against his shoulder. "Gotta walk home," you gasp, the tightness in your lower belly feels like it could snap. "Can't--- don't... please," you whine softly.

"Awe, baby doesn't wanna walk home in wet pants?" Joel taunts you, his fingers unrelenting against your aching clit. He braces you against the wall with his forearm underneath your breasts when he feels your knees buckle. "Won't make ya' squirt, just come for me baby girl..."

That exceptionally taut sensation in your belly snaps and your body goes limp against the brick wall behind you.

A string of expletives and his name Daddy, come out of your mouth in a hushed tone as Joel tips you right over the edge.

"Such a pretty girl when ya' singin' my name," he hums, and nips at your earlobe.

You don’t gush but you do come, and Joel can feel how wet you get against his fingers. You’re holding on to his biceps for dear life as he talks you through it.

“Yeah, darlin'... just like that.” Joel pulls his fingers from your pants and sticks them into your partially open mouth, but instead of letting you suck them clean, he leans in and both of your tongues lap and lick hungrily at the juices on his fingers and knuckles. Joel looks into your eyes the whole time, never looks away. “Mine. No one will ever make you feel the way I do, Bird.” 

Holy shit. Why, and how did Joel get so hot? It almost makes you sick thinking about it. He’s so experienced and you’re… technically fifteen…sexually. As weird as that sounds. You’re a grown woman, yes. But you had never even had a finger inside of you before you met Joel. You sure as hell didn’t know how to make yourself feel the way he made you feel.

You never had anything to base it on. 

Why are you even thinking about all that? Doesn’t matter. He’s your future husband. Ya’ll promised. Not that it matters at all about the promise. You love him. You love him so damn much. You again have nothing to compare it to. It’s nothing like the love you have for Ellie. And you were fifteen when you were in love with Jackie, and this feels different from that. 

Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Shit. Fuck. 

Ellie is already home from school when you walk through the door. She’s at the table doing her homework like a good girl. 

“Hey, Squeak. Can we talk?” You ask, sitting down gingerly across from her. Her eyes go sad and she looks down at the table “What’s wrong? What did you do?” You tilt your head to the side and wonder what could have happened. What did she break? She looks up at you, her fingers fidget with the pencil she has in her hand. 

“What’s wrong? Why do you sound mad at me?” She asks in her little tiny girl voice. “Are you mad that I called you mom the other day? I won—”

“Ellie, no. Not at all. I’m not mad. I loved it. I don’t ever want you to stop.” You laugh nervously and give her your concerned eyes. “Why do you look guilty though?” You ask, still nervous.

She shrugs. “You just weren’t here when I got home. Then you walk in and say we need to talk. Don’t even give me a hug.” Ellie looks back down at the table. 

“Pipsqueak .” You stand, even though it hurts. You walk around the table and hold her head into your chest. “I’m sorry. I have so much on my mind right now.” You sigh against the top of her head. “It’s got nothing to do with you though, hon.” You whisper and kiss the top of her head. “I was just distracted. I got a job today.” You pull away, still keeping your arms wrapped around her neck so you can look down at her. “Down at the greenhouse. You can come help me whenever you want, I’ll teach you how to garden.” You kiss her forehead and she finally smiles. 

“Is that what is on your mind?” Ellie asks as you limp back to your chair. You shrug your shoulders. 

“Mostly. Yeah. Just trying to adjust to not having to run away and be on the move all the time.” You lie to Ellie. “Can I ask you something?” She nods. “Why do you call me mom but you don’t call Joel dad?” Ellie drops her eyes to the table. 

“I dunno. It’s just different. He feels like my dad, but he’s just my…Joel.” Ellie’s eyes flick up from her homework. “Should I call him dad? I don’t know. It just feels…different. You never had kids before. You want to be a mom. I don’t know if calling Joel dad would just make him sad about Sarah.”

You hadn’t thought about that.  

“I think you should talk to him. Maybe don’t make that assumption for yourself, babe. He’s never going to ask you to call him dad.” You don’t know this for sure, but you would have never asked Ellie to call you mom.

The rejection if she had said no would have broken your heart in two. Also, that's kind of a weird thing to ask a kid… who is dealing with her own traumas. 

“You do? How would I even bring that up?” She rests her elbow on the table and rests her head on her fist. You lean back and think for a minute, looking down at the table before you answer. 

“Yeah. I do think you should talk to him. Just ask him what he wants. He’s told me he wants a family with all of us. Wants us to have his last name some day.” You reach for her free hand and she holds yours with hers softly. “Just talk to him. Go for a walk. I dunno. Bring him to your clean and tidy bedroom. Talk to him. Cry if you have to. Don’t hold back. Just be honest.” You squeeze her hand. “He loves you so much. So, so much. You didn’t see him doing everything he could to get you ou—”

You’re still speaking but Ellie’s eyes flash and she sits up, pulling her hand from yours. 

“What happened? That day at the hospital. I don’t remember anything. We were all outside and then I woke up in the back of that car.” 

Fuck.

It had only been two days since you and Joel had your talk on the bench outside the medical center. He had told you everything he had said to Ellie about that day, but you were high-- so you don't remember.

Not really. It's so fuzzy and only bits and pieces come to you when you try to recall what Joel had said.

“The doctors were telling us that… that the tests that they were trying weren’t working. They were going to stop looking for a cure. When Joel and I went to get you… the umm– the raiders! The raiders came. I’m sorry Ellie. I lost a lot of blood. I don’t really remember it all that well.” You lie again because you remember every single thing except for the parking garage. You remember everything before that. 

“It’s okay. That’s what Joel said happened. I don’t know. I just feel— feel like something isn’t right.” She looks back at you with skeptical eyes like she doesn’t really believe what you’ve told her but the next thing you tell her isn’t a lie. 

“I feel the same way. Things don’t feel right.” You say it before you can pepper it with some pizzazz to make it seem like you’re not scared. Her eyebrows furrow. You scramble and think of a new lie to cover up what you’ve just said. “We’re getting used to regular life. It’s hard. It doesn’t feel right. Trusting new people. Relaxing at night. It feels weird.” Good one. Good one. She seems less frightened. A little more at ease.

“That makes sense, I guess. I don’t know. Things just feel weird.” You stare at her for a long time. 

“Why do you say that?” 

“I dunno, maybe for the reasons you say? You seem different. Joel is different.” She shrugs but her eyes never meet yours. 

“How are we different? Bad different?” You’re scared now. 

“He just looks at you different. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. He always used to look at you. His eyes were different then though. He just…looks at you different, now. Sometimes it’s a little scary–”

“It’s scary? The way he looks at me?” Your heart is pounding in your chest. Sweat is dripping down your spine and the hair on the back of your neck is standing straight up. 

“You look at him scary too though.” She looks up at you now.

"What does that mean? Look at him scary?" You're whispering for whatever reason, this feels like it should all be whispered.

"Like...you're scared of him. Like...maybe you don't trust him." She whispers back to you. "You never looked at him like that on the road. Never, ever."

You wonder how much attention she was paying to yours and Joel's faces back then. Jesus Christ.  

“How would you know what I look like when I don't trust someone?” You ask curiously, trying to hide your immense fear.

“I don’t. But I know what lookin’ scared looks like--- and lately... you look scared a lot.” Ellie confesses to you. 

“And Joel looks at me like he’s…scared?” You ask nervously. Why would Joel be scared of you? Ellie shakes her head silently. Her eyes scan across the table in front of her rapidly. “What do you mean he looks at me scary then? I don’t understand…” 

“He looks at you like…” She struggles to find the word she wants to use. “He looks like he wants to tell you—”

The front door opens. It’s Joel. 

“My girls– what are you guys talking about?” Joel looks at the scene before him.

You’re basically laying on the table, trying to coax the next words out of Ellie’s mouth and she’s leaning against the table like you’ve hypnotized her into staring at you. 

“Girl stuff!” Ellie spits it out.

Is she scared? Was she scared just this very second? You were scared and you don’t even know why---you do know why. It's because she was about to admit something terrible. You could feel it in your chest, and you still do for some reason. She just couldn’t find the word for it. Fuck. He must have gotten out early. 

“Yeah. That.” You look up at Joel who doesn’t believe either one of you. It’s in his eyes but he drops the subject and walks further into the house and into the bedroom. “I love you. We’ll talk later. Finish your homework.” You whisper to Ellie before getting up from the table.

With a still racing heart, you walk into the bedroom and lean against the door frame of the attached bathroom as he gets undressed. Fuck, he is so nice to look at. 

“Did you have a good rest of your day after I saw you?” You look him up and down as he slides the flannel off his arms. Joel looks over at you smirking and nods. 

“Could smell you on my fingers for the last hour.” Joel pulls the black t-shirt off and over his head and tosses it at you. “You’re so fuckin’ hot lettin’ me touch you like that in public. I love that shit. I was fuckin’ throbbin’. If I had more time I would have fucked you up against that wall.” Joel’s pulling his jeans off now and you can see his erection in his boxers.

Hard to fuckin’ miss. 

“Come here.” You nod Joel over but he waves you away with his hand. 

“She’s out there. Get outta here, you horny Bird. I stink. I need to shower. You’re distractin’ me.” He gets into the cold shower and shuts the curtain. 

“Yeah but I like bein’ around you. Like talkin’ to you.” You walk further into the bathroom and shut the door. You sit down carefully on the closed toilet seat and Joel looks out at you from behind the curtain. 

“So what you wanna just hang out in here with me while I jerk off and shower?” Joel chuckles but you’re nodding. 

“Yes. Moan for me, Daddy.” You whisper as he closes the curtain again. You do hear him give you a throaty groan from over the sound of the shower. “Yeah. Touch yourself for me. Are you thinking about my throat or my cunt, Daddy?” The shower curtain snaps open and Joel, who is now dripping with water, pokes his head out. 

“Who taught you how to talk like that?” His eyebrows are furrowed. You raise your eyebrows and point to him. His face softens, but not much and he snaps the curtain back to being closed. You laugh as he talks from behind it now. “Don’t stop.” 

“Do you want to go deeper in my throat like you did before? Go as deep as you can? Choke me and make me gag?” You talk softly and a little throaty. Trying to make it sound sexy for him in your jeans and sweatshirt.

“Christ, yes. I do. Keep going.” Joel answers from behind the shower curtain. 

“You can come in my mouth and all over my face. I love when you come in my mouth, Daddy.”

“Jesus H Christ.” Joel groans softly. You hear him panting softly and another soft groan and then he’s quiet. “You’re terrible. Horny as hell. S’one of the reasons I love the shit out of you, dirty bird.” Joel’s laughing from behind the shower curtain. “You got the job? I’m proud of you, baby. I forgot to tell you earlier.” 

“Thank you. I’m going in tomorrow morning to start. Jacob wanted me to tell you that the expansion of the greenhouse would help the colony a lot. Get some more stuff planted. Have more food per house.” You explain, still sitting on the toilet set. “Just passing the word along.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll talk to Tommy about it. We can probably put the bowling alley on hold for a couple weeks.” Joel’s voice carries over the shower curtain. “I’d get to see you too. You’d be there, right?” 

“Yeah. There or inside the market, but I’d be there.” You smirk because he is sweet and kind. Hot as hell, too. Even at fifty-something. 

“What do you wanna do for dinner? I was—”

“I have to go hunting, it’s my turn. I go with Tommy, Ken and Philly on Monday’s.” Joel shuts the shower off. “I’m not gonna be here for dinner. You and Ellie go to Maria’s for dinner. She’ll probably be there all by herself.” He wraps himself up in a towel. “I’m sorry,” He sees the look of disappointment on your face. 

“It’s okay. Don’t be sorry.” You know Joel has responsibilities here.

You won’t be going to Maria’s. You will be staring into Ellie’s eyes and trying to get her to spill the beans.

What the fuck was she going to say before Joel got home? 

Ellie is staring at you from the edge of her bed. She’s got her knees tucked up into her chest. She is looking at you with regret in her eyes.

“I shouldn’t have said anything. I don’t even know what I’m talking about.” Ellie says when you don’t let up the staring contest. 

“ Liar .” You whisper. “Tell me what you were gonna say.” 

“I can’t.” Ellie’s eyes are pleading with you to leave her alone. Stop pestering. You’re not going to like the answer. 

“You can. That’s the thing. You have the mouth and the vocal cords that make it possible for you to tell me.” Ellie rolls her eyes. “Why can’t you tell me? I won’t like what you say?” You ask. Ellie nods. “Is it about Joel?” You lean in. Ellie nods again. “Is it bad? Real bad?” You’re forehead is almost touching Ellie's. 

“Mom, I can’t. You’ll be so mad.” 

This makes you do two things. It makes your heart explode with love for that little girl. So much love.

It also makes your heart and stomach drop into your asshole. 

“Okay. I’m gonna guess– and all you have to do is nod or shake your head no. ‘Kay?” Your words feel like they are getting stuck in your throat as you talk. You think of all the things. “Does Joel look at me like he wants to hurt me?” Ellie shakes her head and furrows her brows. “Okay. Does it have anything to do with what we were talking about earlier?” You ask desperately. She shrugs. “That’s not an answer. Yes or no.” You point your index finger at her. She shakes her head. “But it is about Joel?” You tilt your head to the side, still pointing at her. She nods again. 

Fuck. Fuck.

When Ellie does decide to talk it’s fast. So fast you almost can’t understand her.

“JoelandMiss.AvakissedabunchbeforeweleftforSaltLake.” Ellie throws her hands over her mouth and closes her eyes.

You gasp. So loud.

“See! I knew you were going to be mad! I should have never said anything!"

“No! I'm-- This is-- Don't--You’re fine. I knew about it. I did.” You lie. 

“Then why did you make that sound!?” She exclaims, with a raised eyebrow in confusion.

You have to think. 

“I am just so shocked... that... um... that-- that you know! Why and how do you know that!?” You exclaim. 

“We stayed here in this house before we left and she would come over all the time. I’d see them on the couch before they’d go into your bedro—”

“Stop!” You hold your hand over her mouth. “I don’t want you to tell me anything else. Okay? I love you so very much, you cute fuckin’ baby.” You stand up and kiss her forehead. “I love you.” Your hand is still over her mouth. “You’re perfect and you did nothing wrong. Not at all. I knew all this.” You lie again. 

Oh.

You didn't know any of this shit!

What the fuck!?

You think you might actually throw up.

All of that happened before you guys became official-- at the same time as your little escapades in the woods. What the fuck? Okay. It’s fine. You two were not exclusive then.

You are going to throw up. You actually have to go outside and stand on the porch for fresh air. Your head is spinning.

Of course he wouldn’t tell you.

You wonder where Jackie lives; you wonder why he wasn’t the one you passed on the road the day you met Joel. Hmph. 

You wait on the porch until two in the morning. Joel comes home with a beer in his hand. 

“You waited up f’me?” Joel slurs softly.

You chuckle because you've been stewing in your newfound anger, and it’s very clear headed anger, waiting up for him. Yes. 

“Sure did. Come sit, buddy.” You pat the seat on the bench next to you.

“Buddy? Uh-oh. What’d I do?” Joel smirks and starts up the stairs. You’re so glad that he’s giggling.

You hope he keeps giggling honestly, it’ll make it easier to shove that beer bottle into his urethra. 

“Why don’t you tell me? Since I already know, I’d like to hear it from you.” You’re still smiling. You have no idea why, you’re actually so upset. The smile is coming from the insane part of your brain. You’ve never really ventured there before. Never had a reason.

Joel gives you a big brown eyed look. Not falling for it this time.

“What are you talkin’ ‘bout?” Joel leans back and takes a swig off his beer bottle.

You mirror him and lean back, smiling still, you can’t stop it.

“Why’re you smilin’ at me like that? You sound mad…"

The light leaves Joel’s eyes; you can see it happen. They go dull like the bulb died behind them.

“I know, Joel. I fucking know.” 

He doesn’t say anything, just stares at you.

“Yep. I know about who used to come visit in between our little romps in the woods.” You shake your head at him, the smiles gone now. Long gone. “In our bed?” You ask dully. “Really? You moved me into a bed that you used to fuck someone else on? You couldn’t even get a new house? There are other house— Oh… is it because someone else’s house is two doors down…” The smile is back, why the fuck are you smiling? 

“That had nothin’ to do with–”

“Oh my God. I thought for sure you were going to deny it. Not admit to it first thing. Oh God. I have to go for a walk.” You stand up but Joel tries to grab your hand. “No.” You pull it from his grasp and stuff it into your hoodie pocket. “I’m walking. Maybe I’ll come home tonight. I don’t know.” 

Not only did Joel fuck Ava. He lied about it. You asked. Okay. He didn’t really lie because you asked if something happened between him and Ava while you were in the hospital. Joel with his audacity to have said anything about your cunt belonging to him before you left for Salt Lake while he was already fucking someone else. Did he ask Ava first and she said no? Is she mad that he came back with someone else? If it wasn’t almost two thirty in the morning you would have gone up to her door and knocked because you’re really tapping into that crazy jealous part of your brain— OH! What if Ava is one of those going deepest women Joel said he knew??!! Oh! No! Joel could be going deeper into her throat right now! You think about rushing home but you do not. Your jealousy won’t get the best of you. Not tonight. 

“Bird?”  

Stop. Stop it right now. Why is Jackie Harris out walking around at two thirty in the morning? 

“Jackie?” You turn and it is him. It's Jackie Harris and he’s carrying a shotgun like Joel had been carrying. “Did you hunt tonight?” You ask curiously. He nods, motioning you to follow him. 

“Philly came down with something, stomach bug, food poisoning. Asked if I could cover for him– what are you doing up? Lookin’ for Joel? We all went to Tommy’s house after–”

“I found Joel.” You say curtly. Jackie chuckles. You look up at him. 

“He in the dog house for something?” Jackie looks down at you with his beautiful hazel eyes. 

“Is it that obvious?” You can’t help but smile at the look he’s giving you. 

“Kinda.” Jackie pulls his gaze from yours and stops in front of a pale yellow house. “Me and Connie live here. Wanna come inside?” It sounds innocent. Like just a friendly, do you need someone to talk to? You do need someone to talk to but it’s, like, super inappropriate to be talking to your childhood ex-boyfriend about it? Right? “We can just sit on the porch– I don’t want to put you in a weird position with Joel.” 

“Yeah, we can sit on the porch.” 

Jackie leads you up the driveway. Your house with Joel is on the other side of this house. You cannot see it from your front porch. You could see Jackie’s backyard from yours. But you’re not in Jackie’s backyard. 

“Everything okay?” Jackie asks it hesitantly, like he knows this isn’t a good idea either. You shrug. This is getting dumber and dumber by the second. Why did you even follow him up here? “You don’t have to talk about it. But I am always here to listen. If you ever need a friend in this place. A real one. Connie, too. She’s a good kid. Got a good heart.” 

“You never slept with her?” You give him a knowing look. He shakes his head. 

“Nah, it wasn’t ever on my mind really. I did it a couple times with some girls in colonies and shit we’d find. But when it was me and my dad and Connie all together on the road it was hard.” Jackie chuckles and shakes his head. “Never tried with Connie and then when I was horny enough to ask, it felt weird because she felt like family.” Jackie’s laughing under his breath now. The way his face moves, the lines around his mouth and eyes show the years he’s aged but it’s handsome. He’s handsome. His laughter makes you smile. 

Neither of you talk for a while. Then Jack speaks again, softly. 

“Is Joel…good to you? Nice to you?” His eyes are looking into yours when you look up from the floor. 

“You’re the second person to ask me that in like…three days.” Your eyes scan his face and he looks worried for you. “Why?” Your heart is pounding in your chest again. Jackie seems good at articulating his words. He’ll fucking tell you. 

“I just heard stories. He’s a no bullshit kinda guy, from what I hear. Just wanna make sure you’re safe.” Jackie tries to smile but you can see the fakeness behind it. “He’s a lot older than you. Like, almost twenty years. I know you’re grown but…it’s not like you had a lot of experience before the outbreak.” Jackie looks out into the road, like he’s nervous and checking to see if anyone is coming. No one is. 

“What do you mean?” The words he speaks confuses you. Not as confused as you are to how Joel went through Ava’s shit jam so fast. But you look at him with worry in your eyes because this is your future. You made a promise. 

“I dunno. It’s probably nothing. Forget I said—” Jackie sighs loudly and you can hear the regret in his voice but you want someone to give you a clear answer.

“What do you mean? Tell me. I live with the guy.” You take a step closer to Jackie and he backs away slowly. He didn’t do that earlier, he stepped towards you. The thought of Joel and Jackie in the woods alone races through your head. “Did he talk to you? Did he say anything to you on this hunting excursion?” You raise an eyebrow and take another step towards him, he tries to back away again but the edge of the porch is behind him. He shakes his head but his eyes are staring at your forehead! Not your eyes! “Look’it me.” You stand on your tip toes for two seconds and catch his eye. “What’d he say to you?”

“I’m not fuckin’ repeating what he said. No way. I’d never call you those things. Never.” Jackie furrows his eyebrows. The blood drains from your face. 

“What did he call me?” You ask softly. You feel tears prick at the corners of your eyes. Jackie does take a step towards you and reaches for you but he withdraws his hand at the last minute. You two are just on his front porch, standing inches apart. Jackie is taller than Joel by a couple inches, you have to crane your neck up to look at him. 

“I won't repeat it because it wasn’t very nice.” Jackie whispers. “Why are you mad at him?” He asks just as softly. 

“I found out he was fucking Ava before we left for Salt Lake.” You whisper it to him like he slipped you some kind of truth serum. “We weren’t together then but we were fucking too. And he lied to me about it.” The tears fall from your eyes in big, fat drops. Jackie wipes them away gently with his thumb. 

“I figured you knew about that. Everyone does.” His voice is so sweet as it delivers this heart wrenching news. It makes you close your eyes and lean into him. “I’m sorry, B.” He whispers, wrapping one arm around your back. “That’s real shitty. I’m sorry.” 

“What did he say about me? What did he call me, Jackie. Don’t let me end up with an ass.” You plead quietly in his chest. You feel him sigh softly. 

“C’mon. Sit. I’ll tell you everything. 

After you sit down on the bench similar to the one on your porch Jackie explains what happens out in the woods. 

The Woods 

  “We need to talk.” Joel’s voice is quiet behind Jackie, it startles him slightly but he nods Joel up to his side. Their steps are slow and quiet. They fall into rhythm with each other mindlessly to make less noise. 

“What’s up, man? Everything okay?” Jackie looks down at Joel with concerned eyes. Jackie knew that his ol’lady had been up in the medical center for a while. Jackie just hadn’t known who his ol’lady was. Connie talked about you a lot. Called you Birdie but that’s not what Jackie knows you as. Nope. Now, he’s worried something’s wrong with you the way Joel is talking. 

“That’s up to you.” Joel doesn’t look at Jackie when he talks, just keeps his eyes scanning the woods in front of him. “You still got eyes for Bird or did I make that up yesterday in the church basement? The way you were lookin’ at her?” Joel still doesn’t look up, but his voice is steady and low. Jackie doesn’t really know what to say. “Her cunt was all wet when she left the greenhouse today after seein’ you. You know anything about that?” Joel does look up at Jackie now, to gauge his reaction. All Joel sees is shock.

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, Joel. I wouldn’t touch her. I know she’s not available.” Jackie whispers after a couple moments of scanning Joel’s face to see if he was going to smile and laugh and slap his back, say just kidding or something but Joel stays stone faced. 

“If she was available you’d touch her though right? See if that pussy tastes the same as it did in high school?” Joel isn’t looking at Jackie anymore, he doesn’t need to look at him. He knows that this handsome young man didn’t touch his Bird in that greenhouse but Joel knows that he wants to. 

“You’re reading way too much into it. We haven’t seen each other in over twenty years, Joel. It was shocking– to say the least– to turn around and see her standing right in front of me. Regardless of what you two got going on now. I did care for her a lot at one point and it is nice to see her.” Jackie explains calmly, also with a steady voice. Both men are poised out here in the dark woods. “I’m not like that kinda guy, Joel. I can care about someone and not want to fuck them.” Jackie isn’t lying. His mom raised him to be a respectful, caring young man. He respects women. Joel is sounding like he doesn’t. Jackie doesn’t like that. Knowing he’s going home to you later. 

Joel doesn’t interrupt or anything. Doesn’t make a sound. Just listening to the confidence in this boy's voice. Jackie waits for a response because he yes, he can care for someone without wanting to fuck them. Sure. But it’s all he’s fucking thought about since he’s seen you. Had to go home and jerk off twice after worship. All knowing you were Joel’s ol’lady. 

“Is all you had to say?” Jackie says after a painfully long bout of silence. Joel chuckles. 

“No.” It’s short and Joel turns his head to look at Jackie and stops walking for the first time since they met up. Jackie stops too and looks down at Joel in the light of the moon. He looks skeptical of Joel and the older man can see it all over Jackie’s face. “She’s mine. I mean it. I’m putting babies inside her. Right before worship I filled her right up to the brim. She had her hands on your arms but my come was leaking out of her pussy. Remember that next time you wanna stroke one out to my cunt. My baby factory. ” And then Joel walks off without another word. 

Jackie is left standing under a giant tree, completely stunned and honestly disgusted that Joel would ever say that about anyone. Let alone you! The first woman Jackie had ever seen completely naked. The image of you with your knees spread, fingers inside of yourself in the backseat of his Dodge Neon the night you ran over your neighbor's mailbox was burned into his brain. Jackie had so much respect for you, the way Joel spoke about you made him angry. 

Once the hunt was over Tommy invited everyone over for a couple of beers before everyone went home, including Jackie. They all sat around the fire and talked about the bounty they had been able to bring in tonight. Tommy got a couple rabbits, big ones. Ken got a deer a couple miles away from the colony and Tommy and Joel had to help him bring it in.

Jackie got a deer too, after the talk with Joel. But he was able to carry it in on his own. They skinned the animals, bled them. Ken stayed back and butchered everything up for tomorrow at the market. There was a big deep freeze he would go put everything in when he was done. Jackie would be showing you how to organize it all for everyone in the community tomorrow. 

Joel’s eyes never left Jackie. Not one time. Even Tommy noticed when he tried to pass him a joint and Joel never noticed. Tommy had to tap him on the shoulder twice. 

Jackie smoked, like to smoke and drink. Eased a little of the trauma he was dealing with himself. Quietly. Eventually, when Jackie had his fill of weed and beer, he said his good nights and headed home. He lived the furthest from Tommy and was going to take his time. He had a lot to think about and was tired of going home to an empty bed.

Joel had followed him out, with a beer in his hand. Jackie cut down towards the medical center, in the opposite direction of the housing tract to avoid talking to Joel again.

Now especially because Joel had been drinking. Jackie sat on the bench outside of the medical center, in front of the park for a while before he decided it was safe to head home. That’s when he ran into you.

“He said all of that?” You cannot believe your ears. No way. Joel wouldn’t speak about you like that to someone else, would he? You clearly don’t know that man at all! Or…Jackie could be lying– but Jackie has never lied to you and Joel is caught in a whole new lie about Ava right now. Jackie just nods his head solemnly. 

“You can stay here tonight– no funny business, really– I’d sleep on—”

“Joel might actually burn your house down if I do that.” You say. There was supposed to be humor wrapped up in those words but no humor came out. Just fear. 

“I was thinking that too. With us in it.” Jackie chuckles softly. “You’ll be alright– going back there tonight?” You nod. You don’t really ever think Joel would hurt you. He might yell at you and call you terrible things but now you know where Jackie lived. You’re honestly surprised Joel hasn’t come looking for you yet. 

“Yeah. I should go home now. Before he comes looking for me.” You chuckle nervously. 

Jacob Harris leans in and kisses you softly. A soft exhale of breath from his nose tickles your upper lip when he touches you, like he had been wanting this. You let out the same exhale from your own nose because it does feel good. It ended as quickly as it had happened and you are left blinking at a blinking Jacob Harris. 

“I’m so sorry.” He whispers. “I don’t know why I did–”

“I have to go.” You stand and limp away as quickly as you can. 

Holy. Fucking. Shit. 

There is a light on at Ava’s house when you walk by and panic strikes your heart because why is she awake? Did Joel go over there? 

No, he did not. He’s still on the porch. You had been gone for over an hour, close to two honestly and Joel hadn’t moved an inch. 

“Where’d you limp off to for so long?” Joel asked like he already knew. He doesn’t look at you when you stand in front of the door to go inside.

“I ran into Jackie.” You do not lie. Joel’s head snaps to you. “We talked for a while.” You lean against the door frame and cross your arms. Joel’s eyes are locked onto yours and he looks panicked. Like he did in the hospital when the first shots were fired in your direction. When he realized how much blood you were losing. He has those same eyes. 

“What’d you guys talk about?” Joel asks. He doesn’t sound curious. He sounds again, like he already knows. 

“Old times. Being dumb kids.” You don’t really lie. “Talked about our families.” You pepper in some of the conversation from the greenhouse earlier to give it some flavor.

Joel just nods.

“Talked about what you guys shot in the woods.” You drop your tone a little, and make him have to strain to hear you. “Told me what you said.”

Joel chuckles and shakes his head in disbelief. “What’d he tell you? I didn’t see that kid all night. I was with Tommy and Ken most of the night.” Joel rolls his eyes and turns away from you now, looking back out into the front yard.

You nod at him slowly. “What about before that? You didn’t talk to Jackie? Didn’t call me your cunt. A baby factory?” You sneer at him.

Joel shoots up off the bench and is in front of you before you can react. 

“I never fucking said that. I never would say that shit. Anything he said to you was a bullshit excuse to try and fuck you. Don’t be so fucking gullible.” He’s growling. Angrily. 

“You only like it when I'm gullible for the lies you tell me.” You pull away and look up at him. “I believed every fucking word you said to me about Ava. You looked me right in the eyes and said nothing happened. When something clearly did happened. Whether it was before me or not. I had a right to know and you had a very good opportunity to tell me about it and you didn’t.” You’re angry. So angry you could hit him but you keep your emotions level, surprisingly. You did just kiss Jacob Harris and it felt good. 

“So now what? You’re done with me?” Joel doesn’t move when you go for the door handle. 

“I don’t know. Maybe. I’m sleeping upstairs tonight. I’ll never sleep in that bed you fucked Ava on ever again. Never.” You snap at him. That’s exactly what you do too. Upstairs in a little twin bed. 

You don’t cry. You are too busy touching yourself, thinking about Jackie touching you. You wish you had stayed at his house but you knew Joel would have come looking for you eventually. Better to not get caught with your pants down with another man. If you had stayed you would have kept kissing Jackie. You know it in your heart. Your pussy knows it too, it was leaking when you got upstairs. 

The only reason you don’t cry when you’re done coming…twice is because you know you get to see Jackie tomorrow at the market and that makes you excited in a different way. If gives you butterflies in your belly.

Joel is gone and already at work when you wake up in the morning which is unusual, he usually eats breakfast with Ellie in silence but he’s gone. Fine with you. Ellie is still getting ready for school in her room when you come out of the bedroom across the hall. She pokes her head from around the door and gives you suspicious eyes. 

“Joel was snoring so bad last night. Had a couple of drinks at Uncle Tommy’s house after the hunt.” You hate lying to Ellie. It makes your heart heavy.

She seems to believe this so you go downstairs slowly. Your leg is fucking aching. You make Ellie eggs and toast. You leave off Ava’s shit jam. You actually throw it right in the trash. Fuck Ava. Smiling all nice in your face the other day and then touching Joel’s arm?

Fuck. Ava. 

“Are you mad at him?” Ellie asks with eggs in her mouth. You shrug. 

“I’m not exactly happy that you know about all of this.” You sigh and drink your instant coffee. “I don’t know what I feel, Squeak.” You look at her pretty face and smile at her and think about how much you love her. You’d never leave Ellie. Never. 

“Are you going to sleep upstairs again tonight?” It’s like she had time in between seeing you upstairs and coming down here to think about things and not accept Joel snoring as a good enough excuse. 

“I don’t know.” You don’t lie to her again because you don’t know. You don’t really want to, but you meant what you said to Joel about never sleeping in that bed downstairs ever again. Never. “Do you want me to walk to you school?” You flick your eyebrows up at her and she nods excitedly. You change your clothes and brush your hair.

“Do you like school?” You ask as you and Ellie walk hand in hand. “Like really like it? The classes and stuff. I know you like hanging out with your friends. Do you think you learn a lot?” You’re curious about her little life outside of your house. 

“It’s okay. It’s boring most of the time but I like having somewhere to go. Something to do. I do learn a lot. I felt like I learned more on the road with Joel.” She looks down to the gound, “Where was he this morning? He usually walks most of the way with me.” Ellie looks up at you with a hint of sadness in her big brown eyes but mostly she sounds curious. 

“Had to work early. I’m not sure where though.” You passed the bowling alley and they weren’t there on the roof like they had been yesterday. You drop her off at school and all the other parents are waving goodbye. You kiss Ellie’s forehead. “Good choices. Love you. I might be home when you get out. Might not. Dunno yet. Snack and homework. Stay home!” You call to her as she runs to meet her friends. 

Joel and Tommy are at the greenhouse, expanding. You chuckle to yourself when you see them out back behind the market but head inside. Jackie is standing behind the counter, already smiling before you come in. 

“Morning.” Jackie keeps smiling as you come around the counter to stand beside him.

“Mornin’. I’m ready to work. Tell me what to do, boss.” You look up at him with the least amount of lust you can. You try and make your eyes look dead but it doesn’t work because Jackie keeps smiling down at you. He has a clipboard in his hand.

“Everything gets distributed by person. If someone lives in a house alone, they don’t get as much as a family of four. But everyone gets some of everything.” Jackie runs through the list of all the families and households and how much everyone gets by weight. “We have a scale here. You weigh it out. Toss it in a bag, throw it in the fridge. We distribute it as it they come in. It used to be self serve but people kept taking the wrong bags.” Jackie looks down at you as he hands you the clipboard. “You can hold on to that. Come on, I’ll show you how and when we harvest.”

Joel’s eyes are on you as soon as you step outside. Both of you. Tommy has to tell him multiple times to stop looking at you and get back to work. Tommy just think’s that his brother’s got a hard on for his ol’lady but Joel’s thinking about driving a hammer into Jackie’s skull. You can feel it in the way his eyes are burning holes into the back of your head. 

“We harvest as the fruits and veggies come in. Families put down their preference of stuff we’re short on, so we aren’t giving blackberries to a family who would prefer blueberries in a shortage of blackberries. We could be giving those to families whose kids only eat blackberries and won’t touch blueberries. You gotta pay attention— look it says right here..” Jackie stands close to you, so close you can feel the heat radiating off of him. He points to a couple families who have different color asterisk next to their name. Their preferences are color coordinated down at the bottom. 

“I can see why you and Connie need the help.” It’s a lot. Way more than you expected. Not just gardening. 

Jackie heads back inside and this is when Joel finally comes over and stands in front of you as you read the clipboard. You can see him but you don’t look up. He clears his throat and finally, you shoot him a glance.

"What?"

“Knock it off. You still mad?” Joel doesn’t sound like he has time for your attitude and that makes you even more angry.

“Yeah. I am. Are you going to be a dick about it?” You look up at him now and drop the clipboard between you to your side. “You fucked up, what are you mad at me for? Holding you accountable for it?” You narrow your eyes onto his. “I’m still on the fence about you. I don’t know what I want but you’re doing a good job of pushing me over to the other side.” You whisper it to him so that Tommy can’t hear. Or at least hear you yelling at him. 

“What’s waiting for you on the other side, Bird?” Joel’s eyes are softer now. “You don’t know that guy. You think you, do but twenty years went by. I did fuck up by not telling you about Ava, yes. I’ll admit that, but Birdie. I didn’t say any of those things about you in the woods. I swear.” Joel’s eyes never leave yours and they never waver.

Something ticks inside of you, like he might be telling you the truth. 

“Why would he say that then?” You whisper even quieter now. Joel answers almost before you can finish your sentence. In his own strain whisper he leans into your ear,

“Because you’re a beautiful Bird. I’m not the only one who thinks so.” Joel kisses the side of your head quickly before you can pull away. “I mean it, baby. I would never say that shit about you. I like to say that shit to you. Not about you. I’d never talk about you like that. Ever.” Joel does sound like he’s being genuine. Hurt that you would even believe those things. 

“Despite however I feel about that, I still am upset about the whole Ava thing. Real mad and I don’t know how I’m going to get over that. I really don’t. I need some time to think. Really think.”

Joel looks worried as you speak, the worry growing more and more. “Okay. You know where I am when you’re ready. I love you.” Joel leans in and kisses you gently on the lips. You let him. He smells like home. 

You didn’t really listen to Joel last night, you were too upset but now. He has a point. You don’t really know Jackie. At all. You think you do, because he feels like home. But that home is just a memory and not the right now. Joel is your home. Has been since before you got back to Jackson.

The rest of the day goes by alright. Nothing to crazy. All you can think about is what Joel said and now you’re desperate to talk with him. You feel like an ass for believing Jackie right off the jump. He kissed you right after! He was obviously thinking about it! Jackie has reason to lie to! And now you really miss your cabin in the woods. This wasn’t something you’ve ever dealt with as an adult. Not a grown woman! This was child's play! Schoolyard bullshit. Fuck. 

Ellie is home when you get back from work. You give her a big hug, the biggest hug you’ve ever given her and don’t let go until she is pulling away from you with protesting sounds. 

“Mooooooooom, stop. What is wrong? Jeez, almost popped my fuckin’ head off.” She smirks while she grumbles and you sit down across from her at the table. “Did you see Joel today?” She asks softly, like she’s nervous he ran away and left you two. You nod. Ellie’s eyes light up. 

“He’ll be home soon.” You scan her face with your eyes. She’s too grown. Has gone through too much for almost fifteen. You did too for your age, though. It still isn’t fair. “Did you have a good day?”

Ellie runs through every minute of her day from when you left her at the school until you walked through the door.

You smile through the whole thing. 

“Did you have a good first day at work?” She asks, returning to the homework she has in front of her. 

“Yeah. It was good. There’s a lot more to getting food from the market than I thought.” You sigh softly and lean back in your chair. “I need to ask you something and I really don’t want to. But I know you’ll tell me the truth if you know it.” Ellie’s eyes shoot up to yours from the table. “Did Joel ask Miss. Ava to come with you to Salt Lake?” Ellie thinks, you can see it in her eyes; how hard she's really thinking, but she shakes her head quickly from side to side and sets her pencil down on the table gently. 

“She was sad he was leaving. I remember hearing her crying. Asking if she could come and Joel said no.” Ellie looks at you with very serious eyes. “He said to her real loud– I could hear him from upstairs– they both knew it was going to end. She shouldn't have gotten attached."

Oh. Joel asked you to come though. Joel protected the shit out of you too minus the stabbing and getting shot. It’s fine. You wanted to go. Joel kept you alive. Fed you. Snuggled you up in the woods. 

Fuck. Nothing makes sense anymore and might never again. How could two things feel so right at the same time and also so very, very wrong. Kissing Jackie last night did feel good. You don't feel so good about it now. Not at all, actually.

The front door opens and it’s Joel. He walks in silently, gives Ellie and long kiss on the top of the head and goes to the bedroom. You do exactly what he did and follow him. 

“Thought you were mad at me.” Joel says from the bathroom as he gets undressed. It’s fucking hard to stay mad at him when he has no shirt on. Jesus Christ. The man is perfect in every way. 

“I am. For not being honest with me.” You murmur, it's true you are still mad. You have new questions for Joel. “Why’d you ask me to come to Salt Lake?” You drop your eyes to the floor because you feel dumb and don’t know why you’re asking dumb questions. This feels like a dumb question because he told you. He said to you one night shortly after you departed that he was going to “fuck you every night until ya’ll got to where you were going, because he’d be cranking his hard cock thinking of that pussy every night” but that was bedroom talk. You think. “Really, why'd you ask me?” You ask after a minute of silence 

“Bird, look’it me.” Joel says softly. He’s in just his jeans, leaning against the sink. “You’re fun. You make me laugh. We stayed together that last night and havin’ you pressed up against me in your bed– I stayed up all night wonderin’ how I was gonna leave you behind. Watch you get snatched up by someone else?” 

“While you were fucking someone else already?” You like Joel’s answer, but you are still extremely pissed that he wasn’t completely honest with you.

Joel says against the sink, which you’re thankful for because if he came over here, you’d lose all your trains of thought. Lose ‘em or they’d all start crashin’ into each other. Whatever. 

“I was fuckin’ Ava. Yeah. We weren’t dating. I didn’t like her. She just kept comin’ over. Showin’ up with jam and bread, bein’ real nice. Hard to say no to. Specially when you only wanted to see me every—”

“I never set that rule up? That was all–” Joel drops his chin into his chest and looks at you through his lashes. “Did I set that rule up?” It was so long ago you can’t really remember. 

“Yeah, I was gettin’ ready to leave after that first time and you said as I was walkin’ away, wanna meet back here every four days when the sun goes down?” Joel pulls his chin up and looks at you with his big, perfect brown eyes. “Like I said before, I assumed you had a husband, someone you didn’t want me t’know about so I never pressed it.” 

Fuck, it’s coming back to you now. You were so desperate to see him again when he left and he never told you how to find him, you never told him how to find you either so you just called it out over your shoulder. You do remember now. Fuck. You could have been the one here with Joel and not Ava. Fuck. 

“I felt like an asshole once I realized you had been alone out there in the woods the whole time.” Joel runs his hands through his hair. It’s getting a little shaggy. You like it. His facial hair is coming in a little thicker. He did follow you home the night you told him you didn’t in fact stay with the colony and were in the woods alone. 

“Okay. I am sorry for bein–” You start but Joel does take a step towards you and cuts you off.

“Don’t be. You got nothin’ to be sorry for. I was an asshole. I was, really. I told you I am not good at this boyfriend thing but I do not want you to walk away from me.” Joel sounds like he means it.

But you do have something to be sorry for because you did kiss Jacob Harris while you and Joel were still together. 

“Why did Jacob know I was wet after the greenhouse?”

Joel’s eyes fill with panic and he’s back leaning against the counter with his hands over his face, pulling his cheeks down slowly. 

“I might’a talked to him.” Joel admits without looking at you. “I did ask him what happened at that greenhouse, what made you so excited– you were fuckin’ drenched when I saw you yesterday afternoon– you know what he told me?” Joel looks at you now with very serious eyes. You don’t say anything but you continue to stare at him. “He told me that you two kissed.” 

“What!? I didn’t kiss him until after the hunt–” You bite your lips between your teeth and close your eyes and sigh. 

“You did kiss him...” You can’t see Joel’s eyes but you can hear it in his voice that he’s…a mixture of emotions. “You kissed him. Last night?” 

“It was after I had found out about you and Ava! I was mad! I though–”

Joel is in front of you, leaning down so he can be level with you. “Did he kiss you or did you kiss him?” The way Joel is asking makes you nervous. 

“Joel. Does that matt—”

“Yep. Did he kiss you? Lied to you about what I said in the woods, made me look bad, made you not trust me and then he kissed you?” Joel’s voice is gravel. “Told you not to be so gullible, Bird.” Joel leans in kisses you softly and goes back to the shower to finish undressing. 

What? Is Joel not going to kill you and Jackie and bury your bodies in the woods or was he going to shower first? Then kill you guys?

Nothing made sense anymore. Joel finishes undressing and gets into the shower, closes the curtain and then looks out at you. 

“Come talk to me. I can’t really look at you right now, but we’re not done talkin’.” Joel growls and snaps the curtain shut quickly. This makes you sick. That he can’t look at you. “You wanna know what happened out in those woods? I’ll tell you what really happened.”

The Woods 

“We need to talk.” Joel’s voice is quiet behind Jackie, it startles him slightly but he nods Joel up to his side. Their steps are slow and quiet. They fall into rhythm with each other mindlessly to make less noise. 

“What’s up, man? Everything okay?” Jackie asks steadily. Joel had known Jackie since before he had left for Salt Lake. Jackie and a couple guys had done a scouting mission for supplies to Oregon, left a couple weeks before Joel himself left the colony with Ellie and you. Jackie knew that Joel had a woman up in the medical center, Joel talked about you on patrol sometimes. It’s funny to Joel now because Jackie had known you all along.

“That’s up to you.” Joel doesn’t look at Jackie when he talks, just keeps his eyes scanning the woods in front of him. “You still got eyes for Bird or did I make that up yesterday in the church basement? The way you were lookin’ at her?” Joel still doesn’t look up, but his voice is steady and low. Jackie doesn’t really know what to say. “She was soaked after seein’ you at the greenhouse. You get her all warmed up for me?” Joel partially teased. “I don’t want no trouble. I’m wantin’ to start a family with her. We’ve been trying. Tried before worship the other morning.” Joel gives Jackie a knowing look. 

“Alright.” Jackie says, dropping his eyes to the ground in front of him. “We kissed in the greenhouse the earlier. I must’a gott’er all warmed up for you. I’ll keep my distance though, knowin’ she’s your old lady. Keep your eye on her though. She’s a sneaky one. Always has been.” Then Jackie walks away.

Joel tells you almost the same exact story except for what was said. 

“Why didn’t you tell me this last night?” You asked, you had just worked with Jackie all day and honestly, felt like he was pretty nice. Didn’t seem to devious or at least you didn’t think he did. 

“You were angry. I was angry. If I had kept talkin’ I would’a said somethin’ terrible– like I always do– so I just kept my mouth shut and let you go to bed.” Joel says from behind the shower curtain. 

Fuck. This is almost as bad as Ava’s jam. 

“Why does nothing make sense anymore?” You ask Joel running your own hands through your hair now. You could pull it out honestly. It’d probably feel better than the mental turmoil you’re in. You have to make a decision on who to trust and you have to make it soon. You’re going to lose something if you don’t. You can feel it. You think it’ll be that little girl sitting at that kitchen table doing her homework. She calls you mom. Joel lets her call you mom. 

“You’re confused and upset. So am I. I still love you though.” Joel says from behind the shower curtain. “Very much. I’m not forgetting about that even though I am fuckin’ pissed.” Joel does sound a lil mad. He’s also been in the shower longer than you’ve ever seen him be in the shower. 

“I’m sorry.” You whisper. You do feel bad. Not trusting Joel seems so stupid now. He’s home. Wherever Joel is. “I am. Real sorry.” 

“Don’t be sorry. Don’t ever do it again. I mean it. I was an ass, but I’m workin’ on it. Don’t give me a reason to be an ass again.” Joel shuts the water off and opens the curtain.

You have to try so hard to keep your eyes on his face because this is a serious matter. “I won’t. I don’t even really wanna go back and work–”

“Yes you will. We don’t back down." Joel gets out of the shower and wraps his towel around his waist. "You’ll go work there and you’ll keep your legs closed, like a good girl. You’ll be apart of this community just like I am.” He stands in front of you, bending to be at your level again. “I’ll take care of Jacob Harris.”

You didn’t think he’d come up here. He was quiet at dinner and mostly kept the conversation held with Ellie. You guys played a quiet game of Sorry!, then Joel said he had a headache and was going to bed. You braided Ellie’s hair after her shower and laid in her bed with her for a while. Then you went to bed. You only woke up again when you heard your door opening. 

“I don't like you sleepin' up here,” Joel whispers crawling over you to press himself into the wall as tightly as he can. The room is dimly lit by the moon and stars. His eyes look so worried. "Don't like how different things are."

You’re pressed into him, stomach to stomach. Your hands are squished between the two of you. “Ellie says we look at each other differently.” You explain to him hushed so she can’t hear if she is awake, listening. Observing. She’s apparently really good at that.

“How’s she know?” Joel gives you a pinched brow look. You chuckle softly and let your hand rest on his side instead of being jammed between the two of you. 

“You’d be surprised at what that girl knows, Joel.” His eyes look across your face as you speak, he watches your mouth move, looks into your eyes. 

“She the one who told you about Ava?” He whispers and rolls his eyes. 

“Don’t be mad at her. She’s all fuckin’ confused. She’s going through it right now. I asked. I shouldn’t have done that. I feel bad but I was desperate for answers.” You whisper back to him honestly.

Joel’s brows unpinch and his eyes soften. His arm wraps around your waist gently, he pulls you closer to him than you thought possible. “M’sorry. I really am. I should have told you about Ava, I really should have. I just didn’t see the point in getting you all worked up over someone I didn’t even care about.” Joel sighs and rests his forehead against yours. “I really fell in love with you out there on the road. I really did. I mean it. I don’t ever want to hurt you. I made a lot of really stupid decisions this last week. Real stupid. From fucking you high and lying to you about it, to not telling you about Ava. I fucked up. I don’t blame you for not trusting me.” He sounded sad. A little broken.

You still don’t trust him. Not fully. You feel like you might never trust anyone but Ellie ever again. 

“I don’t want to walk away from this. You’re giving me everything I ever wanted.” Which was true. You got the house and the fence and the kid. You just need a dog and a cat and things will be perfect. “I’m scared. So fucking scared because I don’t know what to believe.” Your eyes start to water. “I’ve never not trusted what was said to me. My dad never gave me a reason to not trust him. I was alone most of my life with just him.” You do start crying now because you realize how naive you really are. “This is the first time I’m in love. And it's with someone I don’t trust and that scares me.” You see the tears start to pool in Joel’s eyes now too. “Love doesn’t just go away when trust disappears.” 

“I hate myself for that.” Joel sighs softly. “I swear nothin’ happened between me and her after we got back. If I wasn’t up at the medical center with you, working on the house, or with Ellie trying to get her situated– I was asleep. Maybe with Tommy. She’d bring jam over and ask for her jars back, Bird.” Joel is pleading. In his tone and his eyes. “If I was ever over there it was just to give them back.”

“But everyone in town knows you guys used to be a thing?” You ask quietly.

Joel pinches his brows again and pulls his forehead away from yours. 

“Nobody should know about that.” Joel shakes his head softly and you can see the gears turning in his head. “She might’a told some people but I didn’t fuckin’ talk about her. We weren’t a thing. We fucked. That’s it.”

Even though you appreciate his honesty, the words make you want to throw up. We fucked. An admission. It makes your stomach do several flips. 

“It’s what Jacob said. Said I should have known because the whole town–” You start but Joel groans softly. 

“Jacob knows I used to fuck Ava because I told him. Fuck! I used to talk about it on patrols and hunts back before he left for Oregon. It was just guy talk– we all did it. Fuck.” Joel grimaces, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“What would you tell them?” You ask nervously. You don’t really want to know, but it would answer some unasked questions you have. 

“Shit, probably the worst of it. None of us talked nice. We all talked like guys. You know how I talk to you in the bedroom? Probably like that? I dunno, why?” Joel looks at you confused, hoping you don’t push for more examples.

“Just the way he talked.” You say softly. You repeat the whole story that Jacob told you on his porch last night. 

“Jesus.” Joel sounds ashamed. "I just wanted him to know how serious we were. I wanted him to leave you alone. Never called you a baby factory..." 

“I hear the truth in your voice. I do. I want to believe you so badly. You’re such a good Dad. It’s so hot. You have taken very good care of me in the short time that I’ve known you. You kept me alive when you could have left me for dead in that hospital. You could have just left me when I asked you to and just gotten Ellie out of there.” You sob softly and Joel holds you close, his fingertips pressing into your skin as you speak. “You kept me alive. Ran through the woods for me. You’re so fucking hot. Fuck, you’re so hot .” You wipe the tears from your eyes and Joel chuckles softly. 

“I love you. More than you’ll ever know. I never thought I’d want another kid. Not of my own. I’ve met a lot of women over the years. None of ‘em made me want a family like you do. None of ’em. I know we’re not doin’ that anymore. But I do want one. Badly. With you.” Joel presses against your forehead with gentleness. “Bird, do you want me to stay here or you want me to go down stairs?” He whispers, giving the tip of your nose a kiss. 

“Stay. Don’t go.” You whisper against his chin gently.

He nods and relaxes his body the best he can. You try but you’re hanging on for dear life. He’s almost pushing you off the bed but you don’t care. Something about the way he spoke to you is comforting. Comforting enough to close your eyes and try to go back to sleep. You know you have to see Jacob tomorrow and that makes you nervous. You thought you could trust him but he makes up lies? Makes them up out of thin air? At least Joel was trying to protect your peace. 

You think. You hope. 

Joel wakes you up softly the next morning with gentle kisses on the side of your face. They’re so soft. Softer than you ever thought Joel could be with you. 

“Gotta wake up. We gotta work. Walk the girl to school as a family .” He whispers against your cheek. “Let’s go. I’ll piggy back you down the stairs.” He smirks as he crawls over you. You climb onto his back and run into Ellie in the little hallway at the top of the stairs. She beams when she sees you two come out of the room together. 

“Hurry up and get ready. I’ll make us breakfast sandwiches.” You call to her as Joel carries you downstairs. 

“I’m workin’ on a new bed. I promise. Might be a couple more days, but I’ll get us one.” Joel explains as he pulls on his dirty work jeans. “We won’t have to look at that thing soon.” He nods towards the bed you two are standing next to. You’re upset because it was a comfortable bed. But you’ll keep your word about it. Never sleeping it in again. 

“You don’t want to just keep sleeping upstairs? In the twin?” You smirk, pulling a long-sleeve shirt over your head. Joel glares at you softly, it makes you chuckle as you pull on your own jeans. 

“My back is fuckin’ screamin’ at me, Bird. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do another night on that thing. Fuck.” Joel stretches, the flannel he’s about to put on is in his hand as he arches his back dramatically. “I’ll sleep on the floor or something.” Joel smiles at you. “I don’t like not sleeping next to you.” 

“I’ll sleep on the floor with you.” You smile back at him and take a step into his open arms. “I’m glad we talked.” 

“Me too. I really dunno what I would have done if you didn’t want me to stay last night. I was s’desperate to be close to you.” He’s whispering in your ear. You know it. He almost cried last night. 

You make breakfast for everyone. You all eat together as a family. Ellie is sweet and talkative this morning. 

“ Dad , do you think once the bowling alley is done, we could all go and you could teach me?” Ellie asks with her big brown eyes locked on to Joel’s. Your eyes flash to his face but he has no reaction. 

“Sure thing, Bug. It’s gonna be a while. Mom wants me and Uncle Tommy to work on expanding the greenhouse first. More veggies for you to eat.” Joel flicks his eyebrows up at her and she smirks. Joel sips his coffee and takes another bite of the egg sandwich. You’re blinking. What is going on? Why is he not jumping up and down for joy? 

You and Ellie walk hand in hand again to school and Joel follows directly behind you guys. Ava is outside getting all the kids through the door when you drop her off. 

“Hey. Good choices, like always.” You kiss Ellie’s forehead. “I love you so much. I’ll see you after school. We can do something fun. I don’t know what but we’ll find something.” You kiss her forehead again. You step back and let Joel give her a pep talk. It’s short and sweet.

“Don’t get into trouble. Love you.” A kiss on the top of her head and he’s pushing her by one shoulder into the school yard. Joel wraps his arm around your shoulder and kisses the top of your head softly. Ava catches your eye and you wave to her and smile warmly as Joel holds his lips to the top of your head. You can feel him breathing you in. She smiles softly, waves and averts her gaze. 

Yeah Ava, go deepest with that, why don’t you?

She turns her back to the two of you like it pains her to see him touching you. Good. You hope it kills her. Joel laces his fingers with yours as you walk to the market together. Your stomach is in knots. You do not want to see Jacob. Not now. Not again, ever. Honestly, you’re glad it happened. It makes you have a little clarity. 

Not really. It confused the shit out of you. Fuck. You don’t like that Joel lied. You don’t like it one bit but he seems to be doing everything he can to keep you around. It’s not like you’re the last woman on earth! Joel could easily find someone else if he wanted to. But he doesn’t want to. Nope. He could have ran right back to Ava when you went on your walk. The way Joel makes it seem Ava would have done anything to get him back in her house. You’re gonna punch Ava. You’ve decided. You’re gonna hit her. Just like you punched Marlene. Punched her right in the fucking mouth and knocked one of her teeth out.

You wonder what tooth Ava likes the most. You’re knocking that one out first. 

Jacob is inside with Connie when you and Joel walk past the big window out front. Joel pulls you to the side of the building, out of their view and kisses you softly. His hands cup and hold your face so gently. Joel presses his lips to yours for so long. He really does smell like home. He smells like your home. Your forever home. 

“I love you, Birdie. So much.” He whispers softly against your lips. “Please don’t forget that. How much I love you, What I would do for you. What I wouldn’t do to keep you safe and close to me.” Joel sounds like he could cry. He’s got you pressed against the brick building so tightly. 

“Did you two not do enough of that this morning? Joel, get off the girl before you put another hole in her leg with that thing.” Tommy says as he rounds the corner. Joel doesn’t move. He stays pressed against you, eyes locked onto yours. 

“I love you.” He kisses you again gently and finally pulls himself away from you. “I’ll walk home with you today if you wait for me.” Joel calls out as he starts to follow Tommy around back towards the greenhouse.

Jacob says not one single thing to you the entire day. You and Connie chat a lot. She talks so damn fast. It makes you dizzy how she bounces from one subject to the other. Jacob must be done for the day. You don’t see him after he walks outside with his jacket on.

“He’s been such an ass all day. He was fine this morning when we got here.” Connie says absentmindedly. Hm. Interesting. “So, how did you meet Joel?” Connie asks, resting her elbows on the counter. 

“I was out hunting one day and we just bumped into each other. Literally. We just hit it off after that.” Connie smiles at you while you speak. 

“It’s nice he found someone. He always seemed so lonely last time he was here. I only ever saw him with Tommy. I know Ava used to have a big thing for him. She was real broke up when he left.” She’s speaking so fast and you wish she would just slow down a little bit. Just a teeny bit. 

“Ava?” You cock your head to the side like you might be hearing this for the first time. Just a little lie, Connie doesn’t need to know that you already know about it. She nods and gives you a sympathetic smile but it doesn’t last long. She has her hand on your arm and is squeezing gently. 

“Not like you have anything to worry about, God no. Joel is obsessed with you. Like…obsessed. I’ve never heard a man talk about a woman so much in my life. And it’s always so nice. I felt like I knew and liked you before you even woke up.” She smiles and keeps her hand on your arm, squeezing. 

“How did you know that Ava had a thing then?” You give her a pinched, squinting look and she laughs and slaps your arm gently. 

“Cause she’d follow him around everywhere. Always offerin’ him that nasty fuckin’ jam she makes—”

“I hate her jam too. So much.” You smile and start laughing. Connie does too. 

“It’s not even sweet. It tastes like shit.” Connie sticks her tongue out and gags. It makes you laugh harder. 

“So…Joel didn’t… like Ava or anything?” You ask as nonchalantly as you can. Connie shakes her head no and looks at you with distaste. 

“God no. We’d have big get togethers and she’d follow him around and try to stand next to him but he’d try all night to stay away from her.” Connie laughs while she’s talking like she’s remembering how stupid Ava must have looked. “She seemed real desperate. Must’a turned him off. She’s real pretty but…she was desperate. Now look’it you. Went an’ snatched him right up.” Connie smirks and looks at you through her lashes. “Lucky duck– nothing funny or anything, I ain’t like that— Joel is cute though. You must feel real lucky, specially with such slim pickin’s.” Connie sounds sad. You feel sad for her now too.

“I appreciate you telling me that. About Ava and Joel.” You smile at her and place your hand on top of hers. “I really do.” Connie smiles real wide and squeezes your arm again. 

“Oh of course! I don’t got many friends in the colony. Not many women our age. Couple. I’d be nice to have someone to talk to besides Jacob.” She sighs loudly and looks out the window. “Someone’s waitin’ for you.” She points over your shoulder. It’s Joel. You look at the clock on the wall and you should have left a half hour ago. You ended up waiting for Joel without even meaning to. You were going to, regardless but you made a friend in the process. 

“We’re closed on Wednesdays so you don’t have to come in tomorrow unless you wanna do some gardening.” Connie says as she pulls her hand from your arm. “Come garden whenever! We don’t mind it at all.” 

“Thanks, I might come with Joel and work on the flower beds.” You say, walking backwards towards the door. She clasps her hands together tightly. 

“That would be amazing!” She cheers as you walk out to meet Joel. 

“Gorgeous girl.” Joel wraps one arm around your waist. “Have a good day?” He looks down at you while you walk together. 

“I did. Did you?” You look back up at him and smile because his big brown eyes are the best. You love them. Even if you’re still a little hesitant. 

“I woke up next to my lady. Walked– Did you hear what she called me this morning? I almost fuckin’ forgot ‘cause I was so fuckin’ on edge about seeing that prick this morning. She called me Dad . Did you hear it?” Joel is gushing like you’ve never seen. He never gushes like this. “Called me Dad . Holy shit. Damn. It felt good. I liked it.” Joel is beaming. You’ve never seen him so happy. “You don’t mind that I cal–”

“She called me Mom the other day after worship.” You whisper as he stops you in the middle of the sidewalk, wrapping his arms under yours, you place your hands on his chest. He gives you a confused look. It’s been two days since worship and she’s called him Joel plenty since then. “She was nervous to call you Dad. Thought it might upset you, ‘cause of Sarah.” You kiss him softly on the lips but he doesn’t kiss you back. He’s lost in thought. 

“You talked to her about this?” Joel asks finally after a minute. You nod and he releases you, taking your hand again. “You told her to call me Dad?” He’s confused. You shake your head no and chuckle. “I asked why she didn’t. Asked for my advice– did she not talk to you first?” You ask Joel looking up at him. He shakes his head no. “Didn’t take my advice. But yeah, she wanted to. Just didn’t wanna bum you out.” 

“Bum me out? I love her so much. I love that she calls me that. Holy shit. I’ve been buzzin’ about it all day, Bird. All day.” He squeezes your hand gently. “That and getting to sleep next to you tonight.” 

This is what you want. With Joel and Ellie. All of this feels so right and so good. It almost pushes all the distrust right out of your brain but then you walk past Ava’s house. 

“I hope she chokes on her shitty bread.” You say out loud. Joel laughs loudly and pulls you into his chest 

“Christ. We gotta real bad Bird here. Jesus .” He continues to laugh and holds your head against his chest as you walk up the driveway to your own house. “That’s terrible , Bird.” He’s still chuckling. “You need a spankin’ f’that.” He whispers into your ear as you open the door. Ellie is at the table doing her homework. She smiles bigger than she did this morning when you come in the door all over each other. Joel’s kissing the side of your face, his hands on your hips.

“Hi, Squeak. Did you have a good day?” You and Joel both walk to Ellie at the same time. Joel stands on one side of her, you stand on the other. Without having talked about it first, you and Joel give her a kiss on the side of the head and hug her tight. You press your forehead into her temple gently. “Love you, kid.” You whisper into her ear. Joel whispers something in her other ear but you don’t hear what he says. 

It’s later. After dinner and you and Ellie are in her bed. She’s looking at you but you’re on your back, looking at the ceiling. When she talks, she whispers. 

“You’re not going to leave?” She sounds like she could start crying. You turn your head to look at her and shake your head no silently. “You’re not mad at him?” You keep shaing your head no. “You’re not mad at me?” She does start crying now and she curls her knees up into her stomach. 

“Squeak, no. I’m not mad at you at all. Neither one of us is.” You whisper, wrapping her up in your arms. “You did the right thing telling me. Not lying. Joel and I needed to have a talk. You were right, things have felt weird. Different.” She opens her eyes to look up at you, but she’s still weeping softly. “We needed to talk. And you helped us do that– you shouldn’t have had to. Not one single bit.” You press your cheek to her forehead. “It’s really fucked up that you got dragged into this.” It is, it’s super fucked up that you asked her anything about Joel. At all. You know it. But you were desperate. So desperate for some kind of truth. It made Joel give it to you. It’s still fucked up. 

“I thought you were going to leave us.” Ellie sobs softly. 

“Ellie, look’it me.” You pull your head away from hers and hold her chin in your hand. “There is not a single thing in this world that could keep me away from you. Not one single thing.” You whisper it to you, staring into her eyes so she knows you’re serious. “I would wage war on anything that tried to keep me from you, do you understand that? I will never leave. Ever.” You’re doing everything in your power to make her understand how much you actually mean that. 

“Promise?” Ellie still has tears in her eyes but she has stopped weeping. You nod.

“Keeping you safe and happy is my biggest priority. Will be until the day I die, Squeak.” You whisper softly. 

You hold Ellie like that until she falls asleep and then you sneak out of her room. She isn’t going to want you to do that forever so you’ll do it for as long as she’ll allow it. Joel is in the room across the hall on the floor. Every single blanket in the house is underneath him. 

“She asleep? Sounded like she was cryin’ in there. She okay?” Joel asks as you crawl into the blankets next to him. It feels like when you were on the road. 

“Yeah. She was just a little stressed. Thought I was going to leave.” You run your hands through your hair as you sit cross legged next to him. “Do you wanna smoke, like a tiny little bit?” You can barely get the words out before Joel is up off the floor and running downstairs. He’s so fucking cute. When he returns he shuts the door and opens the window next to the bed. He pats the seat beside him. 

“You made her feel better?” Joel asks about Ellie once the joint is lit and passed between the two of you once. You nod and watch him smoke. “Good. I like that you make her feel safe. Make me feel safe knowin’ she has you.” Joel passes you the joint again.

“I love her.” You look at Joel as you smoke. “I didn’t think I’d ever love a kid that didn’t come out of me so much before.” You mean what you say because you didn’t think this kind of love for someone was possible if you didn’t actually birth them. 

“I know what you mean.” Joel has something to compare his love for Ellie to. You don’t.

Not yet at least.

“I fucking love you.” Joel is on his hands and knees and you’re kneeling beside him, with an old electrical cord in your hand. 

“You sure do. Have you been a bad boy?” You ask mockingly, taking a fistful of his hair in your hand. He nods. “Say it. Use your words.” You spank him softly with the tips of your fingers. He jumps at your touch. 

“I have been real bad.” Joel sniggers as you caress his bare ass with the curve of the electrical cord. You have the cut end and the plug in your hand and it leaves a perfect teardrop shaped whip in your hand. “So bad.” Joel is loving this. 

“And you should be punished for what you did, yeah?” You drag the cord up his naked asscheek now and you see goosebumps rise on his flesh. It’s not even cold in here! Joel!

Freaky-freak. 

“Oh yeah. I need a real good whippin’.” Joel sounds too excited for this. You dislike it now. He should be nervous. You bring the cord back and bring it down quickly onto his bare ass. He lets out a sound between a groan and a giggle softly. It wasn’t hard enough to hurt that bad, but he definitely felt it. Knows what’s coming. You grip his hair tighter, pushing his head forward. 

“Is something funny?” You bring the whip down harder on his bare flesh. This pulls a sound out of him, that’s for sure. Sounds like a small whimpered hum. “Hmmm? Still funny?” You whisper softly, leaning down to kiss the side of his face gently. Joel just hums softly, dropping his head but you pull him back up by the hair. “Use your words, baby.” 

“Nothin’s funny.” Joel’s so throaty when he says it, it makes you ache between your legs. 

“Call me Ma’am.” You caress him with the electrical cord again and he shivers. 

“Nothin’s funny, Ma’am.” He growls up to you softly. He likes this. 

“Ask me for another.” Your grip in his hair tighter, you throttle him softly, pushing his head forward and then pulling it back towards you gently. “Beg me for it.” Joel sighs softly and you can feel him chuckle, even though you don’t hear him. It makes you smirk too because you’ve definitely never done this before. Never ever this. You’re basically just copying everything Joel has ever said to you. “I said fucking beg me, are you fucking deaf? Stupid? Which is it?” You bring the whip down hard on his ass again. Joel pulls his hips away from you, but you pull his head back and lead him to where you want him. “Deaf or stupid?” You ask softly, tapping his now slightly red behind with the cord softly. Over and over again. 

“Stupid, Ma’am.” Joel snickers out. You can’t help but let out a little giggle either. It’s fun. “And I would love another. You can do it harder, Ma’am. I can take it.” Joel sounds eager so you give him what he wants, but you tease him first and drag the loop of the cord up the back of his thighs. This makes Joel sigh softly in anticipation. 

“Say thank you when I’m done.” That one was all you. Joel’s never told you to say thank you. You raise the cord over your head and hold it there. You can see Joel tense for it. His muscles contracting under the pale skin of his bare ass. You smirk and have to bite your lips between your teeth to keep from laughing. It’s too cute. You wait until he’s not tense anymore, he tries to look back at you but you push his head forward at the same time as you bring the loop down on his unsuspecting flesh. You had been spanking him across his whole ass. Now you focus it on the cheek closest to you. It’s the hardest you’ve hit him tonight. Joel doesn’t even flinch.

“Thank you Ma’am.” Joel hisses through clenched teeth. Then he’s up. You don’t even realize what’s happening until his hands are on your waist. “You like spankin’ me? I think you liked it too much.” He’s tickling you. Really tickling you. 

“Joel. No. Stop. Joel, I– St– Jo–” It’s too much. He’s moving his hands too fast for you to grab on to them and try to push them away. Not like it would do anything, he’s so strong. You’re not weak. Not at all. But Joel could overpower you so quickly if he really wanted to. It doesn’t scare you the way it would have when you had just gotten home from the hospital. 

“What? Ya can handle a couple whips across the ass but can’t handle a couple tickles? Are you a wuss or somethin’?” Joel teases you as he lifts you easily, his hands around your waist and quite literally body slams you on the tiny twin bed. You bounce gently and he’s between your legs, looking down at you. His hands on your knees as he knees in front of you.

“What? You gonna keep tickling me?” You stick your tongue out at him but he just shakes his head no softly and you watch as his eyes scan your face. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” You ask, you can feel yourself sinking into the mattress insecurely. His smile is gone, his eyes are so intense. 

“Just thinkin’ about how lucky I got. So many times.” Joel leans down, presses his lips to the spot right below your right eye. He continues to speak, but it’s whispered against your cheeks and the bridge of your nose between kisses. “Lucky I met you. Lucky you said yes to comin’ with me. Lucky you kept wantin’ to sleep with me on the road. Lucky you survived. Lucky Ellie loves you. Lucky you’re still here. I don’t know what I did.” Joel kisses the same spot but under your left eye. His beard tickles your cheek softly when he does it. “I can be a mean bastard. Lucky you still want to be with me. You put up with me. Patient with me.” Joel’s back to memorizing your features. 

Joel had done that already– memorized your face– sometimes when you slept while you were on the road but mostly when you didn’t even know he was looking at you. He does it all the time. Loves to look at you. Loves to see the way your face lights up when you smile, talking to Ellie. Loves when you furrow your brows when you get upset. The small, soft lines around your face when you frown. Joel loves every inch of you.

“I love you.” You whisper up to him. 

“I love you, too.” Joel kisses the corner of each of your eyes. “I’m sorry for making you cry. I hate that I was ever the cause of your tears. Stress. I can’t stop thinkin’ about it. ‘Bout what you said,” Joel whispers, he lays down beside you. He’s talking so much. You have so much you want to say but you want to see where this is going to go, unprompted. “Loving me but not trusting me. That bothers me . I want you to be able to trust me.” Joel kisses your lips now, quickly but gentle. “I told you that I am not good at this. So I might need your help, tellin’ me what I can do. Keep talkin’ to me. That helps me. I can’t figure you out if you don’t tell me what’s goin’ on in your head, Bird.”

“You better never, ever fucking lie to me ever again.” You stare at him, gaze unwavering. “And you should think real hard right now if there was anything else you forgot to tell me or kept from me to keep me from being upset. If it happened, it happened. I get the choice on how I react to the truth. You don’t get to decide if or what I should know. I tell you everything, you tell me everything.” You nod at him. He sighs and nods. 

“If we’re bein’ honest…Ava had… some feelings for me. She wanted to be a thing. I didn’t. She wanted to come to Salt Lake. I said no. The next time I was with you I asked you to come. I had been thinkin’ about it since you told me you weren’t with the colony.” Joel rubs his hand across your stomach and circles your belly button with his index finger. “Ava and I haven’t talked ‘bout nothin’ besides you, Ellie, school and jam. I promise. We didn’t even talk about what happened before I left. It’s old news. She knows your my–”

“Don’t be so gullible .” You roll your eyes at him. “You’re either gullible or lying to me again. She knows I’m your old lady. It’s not old though. Not to her. You left her broken-hearted and show up two months later with an ol’lady? She’s pissed. ” Joel waves his hand at you like you are crazy. “Hey– a woman doesn’t touch a man she doesn’t want to sleep with. She had her hand alllll over your arm at worship. I left so quickly because I was gonna bite each one of her fingers off and then spit them back at her, the way you showed me.” You point at him. He laughs, a real belly laugh, and shakes his head at you. 

“Bird!” Joel sounds like he can’t believe you’d say something like that. 

“Don’t Bird me. You said you’d kill someone for touching me. It goes both ways.” You’re serious. More serious than you thought you’d be if and when you ever said that to him. But you’re so serious. It scares you a little. 

“Oh?” Joel looks at you with raised eyebrows and tilts his head to the side. “Big Bad Bird gonna do whatever it takes to protect her family?” Joel sounds slightly teasing in his tone. You don’t like this because you’ve already given almost all your blood you had inside you…to protect this family before they were even really your family. You press your index finger against his chin and tilt his head so he’s looking right at you. 

“This is the first time in my life I have something to protect that isn’t a crotchety old man on the verge of dying. You or my dad. I love that girl with everything that is inside of me. You hurt me–” You pause because you didn’t really think this through. You just started talking. “I’d take her—” Joel tries to protest but you cover your hand over his mouth and press into him. “I mean it. I’d take her. She doesn’t need to be raised by a man who doesn’t respect women or treat them right.” Joel’s eyes scan your face as you’re speaking. “If you hurt me again… I’ll kill you.” You’re staring at him. “And if Ava’s the one you hurt me with… I’ll kill her too.” Joel doesn’t react. He doesn’t say anything. He stares at you for a moment taking in your very serious words, then he nods. Silently. “Good boy.” You remove your hand and kiss his lips softly. “I love you.”

Now Joel is the one who looks scared! Good! He should be scared because holy shit, you’re scared too! Where the fuck did that come from!? One minute you were spanking your boyfriend, the next minute you’re threatening him with the loss of his life and his past lover… so. That went exponentially well. If we’re being honest. You know. Spanking. Lil murder talk for some flavor. Now Joel should be rock hard, ready to go. 

“I love you too.” Joel whispers, his eyes still scanning your face. “You’re so fucking hot.” Joel chuckles after a minute. “I don’t ever wanna hurt you, Bird. Ever.” He’s smiling and wrapping his arms around you. “Let’s go to bed. We got work to do in the morning. Walking our daughter to school. I like that.” He nuzzles into your neck and kisses under your jaw. You tilt your head up to give him easier access to your skin. His lips and facial hair feel so good. So good. 

You know what happens next. 

The next morning, you fly through your morning routine. You’re going to the greenhouse today to garden. Mostly to watch Joel work. You don’t ever get to watch him in action. You’re actually more excited to see him do what he’s best at than to do anything in those flower beds. 

Ellie’s waiting at the front door for you with her hand outstretched. You place your hand in hers, Joel takes his place behind you and you make your way to drop Ellie off. She swings your arm back and forth with hers as you walk. It makes you smile. You look at the braids she let you put in her hair this morning after her shower. 

“Miss. Ava needs to talk to you guys. They’re doing parent teacher conferences.” Ellie explains as you round the corner to the school.

“I got work, Bug.” Joel says from behind you two. Ellie turns around, shakes her head no and gives him annoyed eyes like he should know that they aren’t going to conference this morning. 

“She just needs to tell you when they are. All the kids' parents go in on different days.” She rolls her eyes like she’s fed up with him. It's seven am. She’s been around him for maybe a half hour. You love Ellie so much. 

“Yea, c’mon, Joel. Get with the picture. Jesus .” You snap back at him, rolling your eyes like Ellie. He gives your ass a soft smack. 

“Gross.” Ellie. “I liked it better when you two just finger fucke–”

“Ellie! It’s not called that. That’s not what wanting to hold hands means.” You put your free hand over her mouth. “It’s just wanting to hold hands.” You and Joel are inconsolable with laughter.

“Then what does finger fucking mean?” Ellie asks, it’s muffled because your hand is still over her mouth and she’s twisting her head trying to get free. 

“Don’t worry about it. Just don’t call it that anymore, Nerd.” Joel sighs, wiping the laughing tears from his eyes. You guys enter the schoolyard and Miss. Fucking Ava comes running over in her cute cardigan and her long skirt. You hope she trips on it. 

“Joel… Birdie.” She smiles at the both of you. You smile back just as nice. It’s dripping off the corners of your mouth. The niceness. “We’re doing parent teacher conferences this month. Do you guys think you could come in toni–” You don’t even let her finish the sentence. 

“Yes! I’ll be here tonight.” You smile even harder now because Joel does patrol on Wednesday’s so he will be sleeping after he gets home from work to prepare for his overnight patrol shift. He will not be able to come. 

“I gotta patr–” Joel tries to interject but you snap your head up to look at him. 

“You are so busy. All the time, like monday and wednesday and then you work.” You put one hand on his chest and look back at Ava. “I’ll be back here tonight.” You keep smiling at her, eyes slightly squinted. “I’m so excited.” Ava seems a little… disappointed. “Can’t wait.” You have to keep talking because she’s just the worst and you’d tell her if there weren’t thirteen teenagers and a handful of little kids all around. You would. Tell her right with your fist. 

“I’ll see you guys around. Have a good rest of your day.” Miss. Ava smiles. You catch her looking at Joel a little too long. Her eyes linger on his arm around your shoulder. You snake your arm around his waist and stare at her, smiling. She nods at the both of you.

“Thanks, Ava. We’ll see you around.” Joel smiles politely. 

“So…you’re going to do this thing by yourself?” Joel asks, putting his hand in the back pocket of your jeans as you turn to walk away from the school. You hope Ava is still watching.

“Yep. Sure am. I am fully capable of relaying everything she tells me to you.” You avoid his eyes because he’ll know what you’re up to, if he doesn’t already. 

“That'll be all you’re gonna talk about, right? Ellie and school? “Cause that’s what you’re going there for. Don’t forget that. Issues you have with her shouldn’t be gettin' brought up. You wanna talk to her about anything that happened between us, I won’t stop you. But you won’t do it at Ellie’s school.” Joel sounds serious. He’s being a good Dad. 

Sonofabitch. 

He’s right. If you’re gonna lay Ava the fuck out it can’t be at Ellie’s school. It also doesn’t make sense to do it after the fact. You will wait to punch Ava until she does something stupid. It doesn’t seem like it will take her long.

“I know. I’m just trying to be an active parent. A good Mom. You know. Things good moms do.” You’re rambling and maybe lying a little.. Trying to stay talking about nothing until you get to the greenhouse so that you can further avoid him and his curious eyes. You did just tell him last night you would kill him. And Ava. So, he is probably a little concerned. But it’s not going to come to that! No! Because you trust Joel. You don’t think anything has happened since you got back from the hospital. You can feel it in your bones, you think. That or you’re willing it to be true; you don’t want to kill Joel. Not at all.

You would kill Ava though. 

Not for fucking Joel before. No. That was Joel. All him. But you came back. You were laid up in that hospital bed for almost six weeks. Joel was running all around town telling everyone how excited he was to bring you home. Connie is proof of that. Ava still came around with her ass jam and her bricks of bread. Still touched on your Joel . Right in front of you. 

Jacob Harris might have been your only boyfriend over twenty years ago. But you fought Ashley Benson in the hallway one day when you found out she invited him to her house after a football game once. Ashley Benson had to have her nose job redone when you were finished with her. You’ll fight Ava for the man you want to be your husband one day. You sure will. It might not be at Ellie’s school, but it’ll happen if Ava ever sniffs around Joel funny ever again. 

The market is locked up but the greenhouse has an entrance from the back, Joel follows you inside after saying good morning to Tommy. 

“I really don’t mind if you have something you wanna say to Ava. I’m sayin’ something to Jacob next time I see him. Don’t do it at school.” Joel warns with a pointed index finger. “I mean it.” Joel presses his lips to yours. You kiss him back gently. “I love you. Come talk to me when you get bored.” 

Then he walks away with his perfect ass that you got to spank last night for the first time and you know he’s still got a nice teardrop shaped welt on his left butt cheek from it. Sonofabitch. You love him. You wonder what he’s got to say to Jacob– Jackie. It feels gross calling him Jackie now. It’s not Jackie he’s Jacob. You don’t know him like you thought you did, so now he’s Jacob Harris the stranger. 

You do a little work around the greenhouse. Tidy. Clean up the garden beds and weed them as much as you can. Water what looks like it needs it. Nothing needs to be harvested, just pruned. You enjoy this. It was something you did with your grandma before the outbreak. She had a huge flower garden in her backyard. You’d spend most of your summers with her in Chesapeake Bay. You miss her more than anyone else. 

“What’re you day dreamin’ about, Birdie?” Joel’s voice pulls you away from the sandy beach and salty misty memories and back into the greenhouse.

“A beach.” You sigh and look up at Joel. He towers over you. “With you and Ellie.” You smile up at him and wipe your hands on your jeans. 

“Oooh. A beach vacation?” Joel extends a hand to help you up. 

“If it wouldn’t take us three months to get there- put our lives and limbs at risk, and then also three months to get back, I’d say let's leave right now.” You do let out a small groan when you get up.

Your leg hurts. Still. You’ve only been out of the hospital now for almost three weeks? You don’t remember. That first week was so damn blurry because of the weed. Leg hurts. Doctor says it’ll probably hurt for a couple months while the muscle tries to fully heal. Keeping active and working it out will help. You’re trying to do those things, but you ache. It hurts. 

“You going back to the school? Ellie should be home already.” Joel kisses your forehead as you stand. 

“Did the whole day go by? I was going to go home and change first. Shit.” You had gotten all wrapped up in your memories of ice cream on the beach with your grandma. Shit. Now you have to go back to the school looking like you gardened all day. While Miss. Ava sits in her cute sweater and skirt. So fancy. Fuck off, Ava.

“You’re fine. Stink a lil.” Joel shrugs his shoulders and you give him a whack on the chest softly. “I’m kiddin’. Go. I have to go home and fuckin’ nap. I gotta sleep in the big bed. The floor, the twin. Fuckin’ killin’ me, Bird.” Joel does have his hand on his lower back like he is in pain. 

“Sleep in your disgusting shame, dirty talkin’ sex bed then. I don’t care. I’m not sleepin’ in it though.” You cross your arms over your chest and turn your nose up to him. Joel chuckles at you. 

“Hey.” Joel tries to get your attention but you don’t look at him. “Psst. Bird.” Joel does it again and you look at him out of the corner of your eye. “She wasn’t as fun as—”

“I don’t want to hear it!” You whack his chest now with the back of your hand. “Ugh. Stop! I gotta go look at the woman.” You roll your eyes. Joel’s laughing like he’s so funny. 

“She wasn’t!” 

“I’ll punch you in the dick so fucking hard all thoughts of a family are off the table.” You growl. It’s a little funny but he’s getting to much enjoyment from the redness forming behind your cheeks. Joel covers his groin with one hand and takes a step back. 

“I mean it. Why do you think I asked–” He’s still laughing, still thinking this is hilarious. You grab a pile of dead flowers and leaves next to you and toss it at him. They go everywhere and land in his hair, on his shoulders. 

“I’m biting it. Next time you try and go deepest or whatever you did–”

“Deep-throat? Face fuck? What do you mean when you say going deepest? I’ve never heard that.” Joel has tears in his eyes. 

Deepthroating! That makes so much more sense. Okay. Did Joel come up with that? Incredible. 

“Is that what you did that one time? Fucked my face deep-throat style? You ask seriously.

This almost puts Joel’s nearly six foot frame on the ground. He’s leaning against one of the raised garden beds. The tears are rolling down his cheeks. He’s trying to talk but words won’t come out of him. You don’t know why it’s so funny. You don’t find it as funny as Joel does. 

“I’m goin’ t’pass out.” Joel wheezes. You tap your foot in annoyance and cross your arms over your chest. You are trying not to smile because his laugh and smile is infectious. “D-Deepthroat s-style.” He’s coughing now. Apparently, laughing so hard it made him choke.

You’re not going to help him. You don’t even offer a comforting pat on the back. “Are you almost done? I have to go talk to your old girlfriend.” You ask dully.

This does end the laughter. The coughing continues but Joel tries to talk through it. 

“Not— my girlfr— friend.” Joel is coughing , coughing.

Good.

You hope he coughs so hard he throws up. Like you almost did getting deep-throated.

“That makes it…not better. Not even a little. So. I’m gonna go. Love you so much. Don’t choke to death.” You say taking backwards steps towards the door that leads outside. “Have a goodnight on patrol tonight. Try not to get locked up in that one jail cell we got for murdering Jacob Harris.” You joke.

Joel’s head snaps up to you and the coughing stops suddenly. What just happened. 

“Don’t say stuff like that, Bird.” Joel shakes his head no softly. “Don’t ever say that again, you understand me? Not as a joke or nothin’. Understood?” Joel clears his throat as he takes two large steps towards you and is pinning you against a wooden table in the greenhouse “I mean it. Don’t. Don’t put the idea in people’s heads. Don’t.” Joel whispers it to you gently. 

“Are you goin–” Joel puts a very soft, very carefully placed hand over your mouth. 

“Don’t ask questions. Don’t talk about this ever again. You understand me?” Joel is so serious. You nod silently. “You thought I was full of empty threats? I mean what I say, Bird."Joel removes his hand and kisses you softly on the lips. You never take your eyes off of him. "Do you?"

Um. Holy fucking shit. Not only are you terrified– there's basically a water-park in your panties. Something is wrong with you. You need to be evaluated by professionals because that would make a normal person run away in the middle of the night to never be seen or heard from again. Right? Like his ex-wife? But you’re drenched. It’s soaking the front of your panties right now and if Joel didn’t need a nap and you didn’t have to go talk to the desperate jam wench he used to fuck, you’d let him bend you over right here. 

“I love you. Come lay down with me when you get home if Ellie is being anti-social.” Joel kisses your lips softly and then he leaves again. With his cute butt and his sexy…worrisome words.

What does that mean? Do you? 

Does Joel have something to be worried about? Do you have to kill him? Are you going to find out terrible, horrible, gut wrenching news at this parent teacher conference? 

There has to be a word for what you’re going through right now You’re sure that if the outbreak never happened you would know what the word was. But you don’t. There’s a lot of words you don’t know. It makes you feel dumb sometimes but you’re not stupid. You might be. You are sleeping with someone who maybe just admitted to murder in the first degree. A murder that had been planned. The way he spoke made it seem like he had been thinking about this.

The school is empty and Ava is waiting at the entrance for you. She waves and smiles. You mirror her. 

“Hi! You were in the greenhouse today, I can tell!” She looks down at your dirty pants and you wonder if that’s enough reason to punch her but you don’t think it is. 

“Oh yeah. Making sure all the produce and flowers are taken care of. I love to garden so I ended up spending all day there with Joel while he and Tommy expanded the greenhouse for the market.” You very casually pepper in the fact that you were with Joel all day. 

“That’s awesome. I heard Connie talking about it at the bar the other night.” Ava explains as she leads you into the school. “It’s awesome that Joel and Tommy are doing that. Putting the bowling alley in hold and everything.” She looks down at you since she is taller than you, and smirks, “Must’a worked your magic to get that done quicker, huh?” 

You wanna tell her you slobbered all over Joel’s monster dick to get him to come do that for you but you didn't. You just asked nicely and then fought about the woman next to you. So you don’t say that. 

“Oh yeah. Batted the eyelashes, turned on the puppy dog eyes. The man cannot resist.” That was even better. Ava says nothing as she turns into the classroom she teaches out of. 

“Let’s talk about Ellie.” She smiles as she sits behind her desk. There isn’t even a chair for you. You have to sit at a students desk like one of her pupils. You do it, even though you don’t like it. You wonder if other parents had to sit at desks. You look around the room and there are actual chairs to sit in. For adults. With no desk attached to them.

“You lead the way.” You smile nicely, waiting for her to say something about Ellie. “She turns all her homework in and everything?” You ask, waiting for her to say something while she flips through papers on her desk. Ava’s head flicks up at you. 

“Oh yeah. Ellie is one of my best students. Her homework is always done. She asks questions, participates without having to be asked. She is a gem.” Ava explains as she pulls a piece of paper from the rest of the stack. “I’m just a little concerned about her.” Ava hands you the piece of paper. “I’m honestly glad it’s just you. Joel might not understand.” 

The paper in front of you is a poem.

Weight on chest, salty waters in eye. Drowning. Sleeping. Sick feeling inside.  His voice. Your voice. Tangled in one.  Flesh ripping. Soul searing.  Hurting ones I love. 

You have to read it three times. Ellie’s name is written up at the top. 

“We did a poetry lesson last week and this is what she turned in. She got an A. It’s beautiful. Made me cry. But, she’s almost fifteen and I know you and Joel haven’t been with her for long. I just wonder what she went through before–” 

“She dealt with some stuff on our way to Salt Lake. I’ve talked to her about it. I’ll keep talking to her, make sure it’s not eating her up too bad.” You read the poem again. “Can I keep this? I’d like to keep it, if that’s okay.” Ava nods and you fold it twice and put it in your pocket. “How else is she? Good in class? Doesn’t get into trouble?” 

“Well… I do have to talk to her and Dina everyday. No matter how far I sit them apart from each other, they find a way to talk and chit chat. Pass notes.” Ava gives you a knowing look. “It’s innocent but can be distracting. They both have good grades in my class but it causes the other kids to struggle sometimes.” 

“I’ll be talking to her about that.” You nod your head and rest your elbows on the desk. “Dina a good kid? Anything I should be worried about?” You ask curiously because you don’t know Dina at all. Haven’t met her parents or caretakers at all.

“Oh no. Dina is a pleasure. Polite and very smart. She’s a very good kid. Someone you’d want Ellie to be friends with.” Ava is gushing about Dina. Which is nice but Dina might become more than Ellie’s friend…and now you’re sick. Oh shit. This never occurred to you before. At least Ellie is only fifteen— NO! No!! You remember what YOU were doing at fifteen and now you might actually be sick. Shit. 

“That’s amazing to hear. We love Dina in our house.” You say nervously because now you wonder what Ellie and Dina do when they hang out. Oh my God. Having a kid isn’t fun. Not at all. Stressed out. You’re so stressed out and wanting to throw up but you’re holding it back. 

“Yeah, she’s great.”

You meet with Ellie’s one other teacher. A much older woman who goes by Ms. Babs. She’s great. She said Ellie is her favorite and then only wanted to talk about Joel. 

“He’s so handsome. So nice too. Always so willing to help.” She’s walking you out of the school. You think if anyone besides Ms. Babs spoke of Joel in this fashion you’d be jealous but she’s very clearly in her eighties and you’re pretty sure that’s not Joel’s thing. So you don’t have anything to be worried about. “So handsome. His jeans fit just right. Wears them well.” She sounds like she might be from Jersey. The city maybe. She makes you laugh. “I’m at the bar almost every night if you ever want to come join me and Ava and Connie and the rest of us broads sometime. You seem like a nice girl. Joel’s lucky to have you. You’re all he talks about. You and Ellie.” 

“He sure is a good man. I’m lucky to have him.” She touches your back softly as you reach the entryway. “It was really nice to meet you. I’ll come by the bar sometime this week for drinks.” You smile. Ms. Babs seems like she could be a lot of fun, even in her eighties. You wonder how she lasted this fucking long but she seems to be in great shape. 

“Get home safe. Tell Ellie to practice her multiples! She struggles with that!” She calls to you as you limp out of the school yard. 

This wasn’t too bad. Ava is actually not a complete cunt. She seems to be a good teacher and likes Ellie. That’s nice. Anyone who is nice to Ellie is okay in your book. For the mos–

“Hey, Birdie. Mind if we walk home together?” It’s fucking Ava. 

“No. We are neighbors after all.” You wonder where all these nice words come from. They must be from your love for the teenage girl who lives in your house and eats all your bread. 

“Sure are. Nice having them two– and now you—back on the block.” Ava matches her pace to your slow limping one. It’s quiet because you don’t know what to say. You’ve lost the nice in you and now you wanna tell her to never look at Joel again. “Hey, I don’t know if Joel told you or not…” She trails off, like she’s thinking about really telling you. Your heart stops in your chest. 

“What?” You lie. She’s willing to tell you everything right now? Let’s hear it, bitch. 

“Me and Joel used to like… be a little thing, before he left for Salt Lake. I just don’t want you to hear it from someone else if Joel hadn’t already told you.” She sounds like she’s being genuine but you don’t know what to believe anymore. Ellie is the only person you’ll believe ever again. You act surprised though. You want more information than that and you wanna see how much she’s willing to give. 

“Oh really?” You try to sound as surprised as you can. Ava frowns and nods 

“Yeah. I’m sorry. I was hopin’ he told you. We haven’t talked about it at all. You know, he asked me to come with him to Salt Lake and I said no–”

“What?” You smirk now, and try and hold back a chuckle. This is false information. Your sweet daughter told you the truth.

“Did he not tell you that either? Yeah, he tried to get me to come with him, but I couldn’t. I had the kids and the school and everything.” She explains. You both have stopped walking now 

“Oh. Yeah, no he didn’t tell me that.” Your voice is quivering because you have anger and giggles and punches bubbling inside of you. 

“Yeah. He was real upset when I said no–”

“So, lemme ask you something now. Did you know about me before Salt Lake?” You cock your head to the side slightly. Ava pinches her brows together and she shakes her head like she’s confused. 

“No. Didn’t he meet you on the way there or something?” She asks curiously. You shake your head and smile at her with satisfaction because you’re about to drop two bombs on her right now and she has no idea. 

“No. We didn’t. We met maybe six months ago, shortly after he arrived in the colony. I lived in the woods, just outside the wall.” You smile and lean against the iron fence behind you that borders the school. “Joel’d trek his happy ass through the woods every four days to fuck me. Rain? Thunder and lightning? Worst snow you’ve ever seen? Joel was there. Never missed an appointment. You ever wonder where he was running off to every four days?” You can't hold it back now, you are laughing at her. She's staring at you with a dumb, slack-jawed look like she doesn't believe a word you're saying.

“No way. He wasn’t—” She tries to talk but you're tired of hearing her voice.

“Oh yes he was. Walking through the woods to see me. And then after your request to go with him was denied, he slept in my bed. Fucked and licked me all night long. And then asked me to come with him to Salt Lake. Picked me up on horseback the next day.” You nod at her slowly.

“No. You’re fucking lying. He was not fucking us at the sa– What?" She didn't know about you. Which is completely fine. You know she didn't. She does realize that you know something she didn't think you knew "I didn’t ask to go—” She starts but you cut her off.

“So our sweet girl Ellie lies? She heard it all. Heard you crying. Begging to come. Joel had to tell you no. It was just a fling. It was destined to end.” You shake your head at her slowly from side to side. 

“Ellie misheard.” Ava scoffs and crosses her arms over her chest.

“Joel told me everything. I know. ” You take a step towards Ava but she stands her ground which is fine. 

“Told me the only reason he was ever over at your place was to return your jam jars–cause you asked him to.” You scan her face and her eyes flick to the side and then back to you. “Exactly. He wasn’t asking for more of your shitty fucking ass jam. He was being nice to you. He feels bad for you. Feels bad that all you have in your life is jam and bread. So he did what you asked and returned your jars. Did you say that to piss me off or did you actually believe he wanted to be at your house? That something might happen if-. ” She starts to protest but you hold four flat fingers to the middle of her chest and press hard. “I’ll put you on the ground so fucking fast if you don’t shut your cocksuckin’ mouth.” 

Ava does shut her cocksuckin’ mouth and now she takes a step back from you. You follow her and keep your hand on her chest. She tries to bat you away but you grab her wrist with your other hand. 

“I swear, Ava, you try to come between me and Joel. You do anything funny to Ellie and her grades because of this– I will fucking end you . Do you understand me? I will. I’ll bury you so far out in the woods an so deep in the fucking ground no one would ever find you.” You giver a sad smile and sad eyes for what you're about to say next. “And since it’s just you in that big ole house, Ava, who would come lookin’ for you?” 

Ava’s eyes never leave yours. 

“I was just trying to warn–” Ava starts but you take the four fingers on her chest and slap her cheek softly. She gasps dramatically and gawks down at you. 

“Don’t make me slap you, bitch. I will. That was a love tap. Shut the fuck up. Keep you lyin’ jam makin’ ass in your own fuckin’ house and don’t you ever even look at my God damned driveway. Walk the other way. Don’t ever walk past my house or mess with my family ever again. Got it?” Ava nods. “Good. I’ll see you at the bar sometime. We’ll talk about Ellie. The greenhouse. We can talk about your pretty fuckin’ skirts but if I ever hear you say Joel’s name ever again…you know what happens.” You tap her cheek very gently with your hand again. Ava flinches. It’s dark out now and Joel is already probably at the wall. “Go home. I have to go see my boyfriend.”

Joel is up on the wall. You can see him up there before he sees you. You climb the stairs slowly and make your way to where he is posted up. When you get close he notices it’s you and smiles. 

“You were gone longer than I thought. You have trouble up at the school?” Joel drops his chin to his chest and gives you a knowing look. 

“Nope.” Joel smirks and relaxes a little. “Did all the trouble on the sidewalk out front.” Joel’s jaw drops. “Yup. It’s like she was waiting for me.”

You run through your whole conversation with Ava. Joel’s mouth just gets more open as you speak. You tell him how she said he tried to ask her to come to Salt Lake. He scoffs and waves you away like you’re crazy.

“Get the fuck’ outta here. I never asked her. Never.” Joel’s brows are furrowed. He keeps checking over his shoulder because he technically is still working and supposed to be patrolling. 

“I know. I believe you. I think she was just trying to stir shit up between us. If she had done it any sooner, it might have worked.” You explain. You notice a lack of Jacob Harris and wonder if Joel killed him already. It doesn’t get brought up. 

“I’m sorry you gotta deal with all this. I didn’t think it’d be an issue when we got back. I thought she’d have forgotten all ‘bout me. Moved on. I hoped she had.” Joel sighs and kisses your forehead softly. “Glad you came to see me though. Made my whole night. Gonna miss you. Crawl into those blankets with you when I get home.” Joel kisses you on the lips now, softly. “My sweet lil girl.” Whispered into your parted lips so no one else can hear. “Touch that lil pussy for me tonight before you go to sleep. I love you.” More whispered sexy demands that you’ll obey for him. 

“I love you.” You whisper back to him. Joel leads you to the stairs and gives your ass a smack. 

“See you in a couple hours, baby.” He calls as you head down and make your way back home.

“Hey, Squeak. Sorry I’m late and missed dinner. Conference and then I went and saw Dad.” You limp into her room. She’s already in bed. 

“It’s okay. He told me you might be back later than normal.” She pats her bed but you wave your hands over your dirty clothes. “Sit on the chair then. Talk to me like we have the last couple nights. I like when we do that.” You pull a chair over to the side of her bed and look down at her as she snuggles up in bed. 

“How are you doing?” You ask softly. She looks confused. “We haven’t really talked much about what happened on the road. Didn’t get a lot of time to.” Ellie’s eyes avert from yours. It makes you sad. 

“I don’t really like talking about it.” She whispers from behind her blanket covered fists. You nod in understanding. 

“I know. I don’t either.” You think back to that day. The first time you almost lost Ellie to that fucker David . The day the two brothers almost killed you. “I was in the house with Joel when two guys showed up. I left my gun down with Joel and they disarmed me real quick without it.” You nod down at her, she’s looking back up at you now. “Said they were gonna do terrible things to me. Said they were gonna do terrible things to you to make me scared.” You feel tears pool in your eyes. 

“What did they say?” She asks softly. 

“Just not nice things. They wanted me to be scared– that’s all that matters. I was. I was so fuckin’ scared Ellie. More scared than I ever was in the hospital.” You say honestly. No one in the hospital was threatening to rape you. “I know there aren’t a lot of people you think you can talk to but I probably know better than anyone what you went through. I’m always here if you need to talk about what happened when you were captured.” You lean down and kiss her forehead softly. “I won’t make you, but whatever heavy feeling you have in your heart will go away if you stop holding it in. I mean it. Holding it in is just going to make it feel heavier.” 

“Why are you talking about this?” Ellie asks like she’s annoyed. You pull the poem from your pocket and read it to her aloud. She sighs softly. “It’s just a poem.” She is annoyed. 

“Okay, Squeak. I’m just letting you know that I’m here. I understand.” You give her another kiss and stand up. “I have to shower and eat something. I love you.” 

“Love you.” She grumbles and rolls over before you can take a step away from the bed. 

Damn. Teenage girls are the worst. 

tag list: @fairylights-throughthemist @creepycorbeaux

(i'll take anyone off, or add anyone who wants updates for the next part.)

[foundress0fnothing]

2024 Fic Writer End of Year Roundup

Thanks for the tag, @popjunkie42! 💕

Answer and then tag three or more creators to keep the game going!

(If you're in my answers consider yourself tagged if you'd like to play!!)

1. How many words did you publish on AO3 in 2024?

57,016! It's by no means a lot, especially compared to what some are able to produce, but I'm pretty pleased with them.

2. How many fics did you complete this year?

4, all for acotar

3. How many in progress or ongoing fics did you start this year?

I have 3 published WIPs that I started this year: my Feysand secret santa for @beesays, and two Nessian-centric, modern AU WIPs. I have a partially published Azris academia WIP from 2023 hanging around as well that I haven’t given up on yet. I've started, but not yet published, a Feysandnyx first war AU that I'm planning to start publishing around my birthday (in mid-February).

4. What was your favorite thing you wrote?

I am forever in love with pied piper Feysand, whistles far and wee. I was also really pleased with how my elucien week fic, what lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why, turned out!

5. What piece was your most experimental or different from your usual style?

There’s not much of it yet, but leave a kiss but in the cup is probably the most experimental for me—it’s a long fic (or it will be) and the first thing I’ve written in present tense.

6. Did any fics surprise you - either while writing or their reception?

what lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why, I think—I had no idea where the second chapter would go when I published the first one—it was purely vibes and thots 😌

7. Do you have a fic you wrote and loved that went under the radar? (This is your sign to reblog/repost it!)

leave a kiss but in the cup—it definitely has a modern romance novel feel and is still very much a wip, and so the fact that it didn’t get a lot of attention wasn’t a surprise.

8. Who is an artist that inspired you?

There are so many wonderful artists that I couldn’t possibly name them all, but to name a few: @witchlingsandwyverns, @laxibbeb, @velidewrites, @stickyelectrons, @janearts, @froggybogwitch, @artinelysian, and @gracieart. 💗

9. Who is an author that inspired you?

SO! MANY! How can I choose?? But I’m so grateful for the community and inspiration offered by people like @popjunkie42, @yourstarsmyscars, @violetasteracademic, @beesays, @rosanna-writer, @the-lonelybarricade, @separatist-apologist, @thesistersarcheron, @dustjacketmusings, @jsmelodies, @reverie-tales, and @shadowriel.

10. Who is a new author you discovered?

Again, so many wonderful, wonderful folks, but I want to shout out @violetasteracademic! I’ve loved getting to know her this year—she writes the Archeron sisters beautifully and is a revolutionary beta reader 😘

11. Did you do any collaborations? How did it start?

Not this year! Over the summer, I tossed around the idea of an acotar key fic with @popjunkie42, @beesays, @witch-and-her-witcher, and @climbthemountain2020, and we went so far as to create all our throuple groupings, but I don't think any actual writing happened 😅 Maybe for 2025...

12. What accomplishments are you proudest of?

Honestly, just getting some writing done at all this year. PPD was a bitch, and 9/10 I will choose to read in my downtime rather than write, and so the fact that I ended the year with words at all feels like a pretty big win to me.

13. What did you learn about writing or creating this year?

The joy of sprinting as a writing technique! I hadn’t used it before, but it was summer and I was feeling intense guilt about not having finished last year’s secret santa gift, Firm and Fragrant Still the Brambleberries, and so I tried spriting with some friends on a whim and found it to be a really useful way to trick my brain into writing.

14. Any advice you’d like to share with new or aspiring writers?

If you’re stuck, shift to writing with a pen and paper!! I work out so many writing ideas and issues and questions this way before shifting back to the computer. The physicality and slow pace of it is really important for me.

15. What are your creative goals for 2025?

I’d like to get my WIPs cleaned up. They’re all stories I’m interested in telling, even the older ones, and I look forward to having the chance to do so, even if it takes a while.

(I’m also planning to defend my dissertation in the fall so lololololol we’ll see what actually happens)

If you’re tagged in this, please consider yourself tagged for the game 💕

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Is there such a yandere that has a breeding kink but zero interest in parenting the thing that results from going hard into the breeding kink? To the point of dropping the kid off at a safe haven location or w/e and damn what the mother wants? Or would the children be seen as too valuable of a chain to hold them down despite their irritation with them.

mentions of infertility and pregnancy etc below the cute

My Home Sweet Home Drabbles explores that. Essentially Clark impregnated her for the kink then doesn't wanna do anything but fuck and ignores the reader's obvious PPD etc.

I definitely think it's very much a possibility.

Oh. Concept.

Dark!character #1 has a breeding kink but no desire to raise a kid. Dark character #2 wants kids but they have some infertility issues in their marriage. Dark!character #1 essentially makes their partner a breeding mill, maybe for multiple people.

[darkserenity24]

I seen some of your ask saying you've been feeling down about writing. With brewing amnesia, you dont even have to write a story, I just have burning questions that I wanna know

1. Does she win her freedom?

2. She originally didn't want to be a mother - does she end up with guilt because she can't connect to her baby?

3. Does she resent Steve for manipulating her into a situation he knew she didn't want?

4. Did Nat ever tell the team about her talk with the reader and how apprehensive she was?

5. Does the team (except nat) not see anything wrong with what steve is doing?

6. Does the tea affect her during the pregnnacy?

7. Sweet jesus, dont tell me she still takes the tea!?!?

8. Is Steve disappointed or angry if the reader doesn't form a bond with the kid as he expects?

9. Does he try for more kids?

10. Does she go through PPD?

11. Why did Steve take her if she isn't the kind of woman he actually wanted?

12. Does he ever feel guilt for manipulating her into doing what he wants? Deep down, does it eat him up that she doesn't want him on her own, that he has to rely on alien tea to get her to stay?

Hey Anon, these are such great questions! Sorry it took me so long to answer but I hope this helps:

1. Reader will try her best to get away from Steve and almost succeeds... but no.

2. No guilt, just acceptance of what the situation is. She'll certainly take care of her child. Both she and Steve are going to be protective in different ways.

3. Hell Yeah! If it was up to her, Steve would be in jail.

4. Yes... sort of. At least some of them.

5. Yes, they do, but most are too afraid to cross him or just want him to be happy at any cost.

6. NOPE! But Steve doesn't know that hehehe 😈

7. Unfortunately, yes. Steve will not have it any other way.

8. He would be, but I don't think that will happen. He's gonna be pissed for a totally different reason.

9. Now you know he certainly will. With that big ass house they have? He's trying to fill it up!

10. Possibly, but I don't think that will be explored in depth.

11. She is who he wants, he's just trying to fit her into a version of herself that he feels will be safe. He almost lost her and doesn't want to ever lose her again so he's doing what he thinks is right.

12. Guilt? No, not really. All Steve cares about is that she's safe with him (ironic, right?) and that they should build a family together. But it certainly does eat at him inside that and she doesn't want to be with him. He wouldn't have had to use the tea to alter her state of mind if he didn't feel like that was the only choice to have his "happy" family.

With that being said... Brewing Amnesia part 2 will be released by this upcoming Sunday 😉 (don't quote me on that tho)

[theelvenhaven]

Postpartum Depression

Celebrimbor x Reader

1.8k words

Request: I absolutely love your work. Was wondering about a Celebrimbor x reader where they are new parents in valinor. (Family barging in is a bonus, lol)

A/N: So I know you were probably looking for something that was more sappy and affectionate but to break the monotony around writing the same thing over again, I wanted to share what it is like to have PPD and shed some light on that. As someone who has had it, I don't think it's talked about enough. I thought this would be a good prompt for Mental Health Awareness Month.

* * *

Something was wrong, and you knew it from the moment the high of your child being placed on your chest from delivery wore off. 

Yet you hadn’t said anything to Celebrimbor, at first it made you happy and filled your heart with joy to see him holding your little one. The way he cradled them close to his chest and the way he whispered and spoke so softly to them. Fawning over everything about them, their black wispy hair, the stork bites on their forehead, their tiny fingers and toes. 

He loved to watch you nurse and hovered, and though the experience was painful Celebrimbor was on board and ready to help you with any and everything- lanolin application, massaging your chest to help break up the rock hard pain of engorgement, bringing you water and snacks often to keep up with your supply. 

You couldn’t have asked for a better partner, one who didn’t cringe at the sight of the blood when you leaked through pads who helped mix the remedies to ease the dull pain in a place… well that you couldn’t have thought were possible to experience there. Let alone he took your little one the moment it was clear you needed rest and they were satisfied. 

Admittedly in those moments when he left the room to let you sleep you could do everything but sleep. Finding yourself openly weeping in silence over the fact that everything felt so wrong. 

You weren’t happy to be a new parent. 

You cringed at every cry your sweet little one made, you feared constantly you were hurting them, you wondered why you couldn’t nurse correctly and without pain. You wished nothing more to be a good parent. But you felt as if you weren’t capable of that. 

You couldn’t bring yourself to smile when you were handed the baby, all you could do was stare at them and wonder why you were their parent. Wondering why it was you Eru chose to give this blessing, when you were struggling to feel grateful for the gift you had for them. 

You loved them immensely and for that reason it felt like you should just leave. Leave them and Celebrimbor, it was selfish. But you felt like staying when you couldn’t be a good parent was even worse, you didn’t understand what was wrong with you. 

Why you were always so sad and questioning your every move, you felt like an utter failure and like you wouldn’t be able to raise a capable elf in society if you couldn’t get it together. You felt as though you couldn’t tell Celebrimbor what was going on with you, in fear that he’d judge you and you suspected in fear that he’d take the baby from you. That he’d think that you were crazy and incapable of being a parent, and you didn’t want to face that reality of someone else confirming what you already knew. 

Unbeknownst to you, Celebrimbor was no fool when it came to your strange behavior. He saw the constant sadness in your eyes, the way you looked at the child you two shared. The fear, the hurt, the confusion. It was no secret no matter how hard you tried to hide it from him… And try as you might to cry in silence in your room… Celebrimbor would sit at the door unsure how to comfort you and what to do to help you.

So he did the only thing he knew to do, and ask his father and mother for help. 

You were sitting on the sofa in your sitting room, the little one nursing on your chest as you leaned back and stared quietly at the ceiling. You clutched the little one close to your chest, scared if you loosened your grip you’d drop them, before Celebrimbor came around into the room with a glass of water and fresh cut up fruit. 

Your elfling made a little grunt before pulling off your chest and Celebrimbor reached over to help you cover up as he took his seat next to you. Suddenly his arm came around you when he finished and he pulled you in close to his chest. Allowing for you to readjust how you held the baby, before he pressed a kiss to your temple.

“Y/N.” Celebrimbor began to speak to you in a gentle voice, it felt like it had been so long since he had been so tender and gentle in speaking with you. Oft times you felt like you were two passing ships in the night that only had time for one another if it involved the baby. 

“Can I be honest with you?” He asked softly, as his hand gently caressed your arm watching as you brought the blanket a little higher on the baby. Making sure to keep them warm, only to hear them grunt out a little bit and shift before they sighed against your chest. 

You on the other hand felt fear course through you at his words. Oh no you thought, he noticed how bad of a parent you were, how awful you were to them and clearly unable to tend to them correctly and struggled. He was going to take the baby from you, but you were quiet. Not saying anything before you finally nodded. 

“I am worried about you mírë.” He whispered softly to you and he felt you tense up underneath his touch. 

“What do you mean?” You asked in a whisper, trying not to get defensive with him. You didn’t want him to know anything was wrong with you. But Celebrimbor continued to hold you, remembering some of what his mother had instructed him to do to help comfort you, along with the fact that they’d be there soon enough to help. 

“Y/N, mírë, I know something is wrong. You barely sleep or eat, you are never happy… I have heard you weep at times you are supposed to be napping… You barely take care of yourself, my love.” There wasn’t a tone of judgment or harsh criticism in his voice as he spoke to you, only giving you a snug squeeze and it made tears well in your eyes. 

It had been so obvious that you were a failure, he noticed all of it. And now you feared he’d leave you over it, so you sniffled trying to keep from being any more of a mess than you felt like you were.

“I’m sorry…” Was all you could think to say as you began to cry, and Celebrimbor was quick to gently get down on his knees in front of you. His hands coming to cup your face, with his thumbs gently swiping away the tears that kept coming. 

“It is alright, Y/N…” Celebrimbor whispered out in a soft coo, 

“Everything is going to be alright.” He said to you gently, which only made you cry harder. How could anything be alright when you couldn’t be a good parent or partner? How could he possibly thing that anything was going to be okay? Especially when you couldn’t see anything good that could happen. 

“How?” You whimpered out softly, trying not to take in a shing inhale. 

“Everything feels so wrong, I don’t feel like a good parent. Like I am incapable, I am just going to mess up everything, Tyelpë.” You began in a sob, and Celebrimbor ached to hear you admit that you were struggling so badly. 

“I am a terrible parent, I can’t even be happy that we had a baby.” You sobbed out to him, and Celebrimbor felt his heart break for you. Gently he stood on his knees to lean over and kiss you on the forehead. Lingering for a long moment as he closed his eyes, trying to reassure himself that everything was going to be fixed an it was all going to be okay. 

“You are not a terrible parent, mírë… I promise.” He whispered against your skin before he finally pulled away to sit back down to look at you and offer you a small smile. Trying to reassure you it would all be okay and that it would get better. 

“Ammë and Atya are going to come and help. Ammë has been through what you are going through, Y/N. She will be able to help and get you set up with a Healer okay?” Celebrimbor said to you in a soft voice, and no sooner than he said the words did his parents seem to appear out of thin air. 

His mother looked at you with sympathy as she could see the tears staining your cheeks,

“Tyelpë, take the baby.” His mother said to him softly, and without second guessing it he did so, you gently let him. Not fighting him on it at all, while his mother gently pushed him out of the way, coming down to grab your hands and pull you off the couch gently and into an embrace. You could hear your father in law walking around to Celebrimbor, mumbling something about seeing his grandchild. 

You buried your face into his mother’s arms, resting your head on her shoulder as you cried. Her hands rubbing your back, before you felt Celebrimbor’s hand come to your shoulder. 

“It’s okay, it’s going to be okay, Y/N.” His mother said gently before kissing your hair. Giving you a warm and loving squeeze, 

“We will stay for a few days, help you get on your feet okay?” She said to you, and you nodded against her shoulder holding close to her, while Celebrimbor continued to rub your shoulder. For a moment you felt okay, like everything was going to be okay again and you sighed out in relief. Knowing that you and Celebrimbor wouldn’t be doing this all by yourself. 

“Come on, let me help get you into a hot shower… That always made me feel better. Curvo and Tyelpë can tend to the baby, and help pick up some so you aren’t scrambling to do it when you get out okay?” She said as you pulled away from her nodding your head at her words, sniffling as your tears finally started to come to a halt. 

“Okay.” You looked up at his mother see her give you a soft smile her hands coming to your arms to rub lovingly. It wasn’t that Celebrimbor wasn’t good enough, it was that you didn’t feel good enough for him, and to suddenly have his and his families support… It well… meant everything to you. And to hear that his mother had been through something like this? 

Well you thought everything was perfectly fine for her… But you could see it got better. 

“And tomorrow we will get a healer here so we can get started on your care, now come let me help you into the shower.” She said to you gently putting her arm around you and beginning to pull you along towards the main bathroom. 

Finally there was a light at the end of this painful tunnel, and you felt like you could breathe with their support. You couldn’t be anymore grateful and were more than ready to get to feeling better so you could enjoy your husband and your newborn. 

* * *

Tags: @saviorsong @lilmelily @dicksoutformtl @fandomhoe101 @celebrimbor-telperinquar @red-riding @miriel-estelwen @ta-ka-shi-ma @nerdysimpy @thegirlwithoutaname87 @anunexpectedsideblog @spidergirla5 @eternalabysss @noldorinpainter

[love-skincareroutine]

How Long To Leave Henna On Skin

New Post has been published on https://skin-care-routine.com/skin-care-for-kids/how-long-to-leave-henna-on-skin/

How Long To Leave Henna On Skin

A. How to Remove Henna from Your Skin

We offer products that we believe are useful to our readers. If you buy through the links on this page, we can earn a small commission. Here is our process. Henna is a dye extracted from the leaves of the henna plant. In the ancient art of mehndi, ink is applied to the skin to create intricate and temporary tattoo patterns. The henna tincture usually lasts about two weeks before it disappears. Once the henna ink begins to fade, you can quickly remove the henna design from your skin. Read some methods that you can try to get rid of a henna tattoo.

1. Wet salt water

You can begin the henna removal process by dipping your body in water with an exfoliating agent, such as sea salt. Epsom or table salt also works. The sodium chloride in the salt can help nourish living skin cells and eliminate dead skin cells. Pour about half a cup of salt into the warm water of a half-full bath and soak for 20 minutes.

2. Peeling

Scrubbing the skin with a facial or body scrub can help remove henna quickly. Using a scrub that contains a natural scrub, such as apricot or brown sugar, will minimize skin irritation. Make sure to use a moisturizer or coconut oil after peeling your henna tattoo.

3. Olive oil and salt

Mixing a cup of olive oil with three or four tablespoons of sea salt creates a mixture that can loosen the henna ink from your skin as you exfoliate the disappearing tattoo. Use a cotton swab to cover your skin completely and let the olive oil be absorbed before gently rubbing the salt with a damp towel.

4. Antibacterial soap

The high alcohol content and the exfoliating pearls of the antibacterial soap can help to get rid of the henna tincture. Rub your hands with your favorite antibacterial soap a few times a day, but be careful not to dry out your skin. Apply a moisturizer to your body after using antibacterial soap to get rid of henna.

5. Baking soda and lemon juice

Lemon juice is a proven skin lightener from Trusted Source. Baking soda and lemon juice can work together to lighten the henna tincture and make it disappear faster. However, never apply baking soda and lemon juice to your face. Use half a cup of warm water, a tablespoon full of baking soda and two teaspoons of lemon juice. Apply this mixture with a cotton swab and let it soak in the skin before removing. Repeat the process until the henna is no longer visible.

6. Makeup remover

Any silicone-based makeup remover can gently remove the henna dye. Use a cotton swab or cotton swab to completely saturate the henna tattoo, then use a dry cloth to remove the makeup remover. You may need to repeat this a few times.

7. Micellar water

Micellar water can attach to the henna dye and remove it from the skin. This method is particularly good for the skin. Make sure to thoroughly wet the skin with micellar water and allow it to be absorbed by the skin. Then apply a little pressure while rubbing the skin to dry.

8. Hydrogen peroxide

Hydrogen peroxide can brighten the appearance of the skin, but this method may require some effort to remove the henna. Use diluted hydrogen peroxide for cosmetic purposes and apply generously to the area of ​​your henna tattoo. After several applications, the tattoo should no longer be visible.

9. Whitening toothpaste

Make good use of the whitening ingredients in your toothpaste by applying a generous amount to your henna tattoo and rubbing it. Allow the toothpaste to dry before gently scrubbing the paste with an old toothbrush.

10. Coconut oil and raw sugar

A mixture of coconut oil (melted) at room temperature and raw cane sugar is a powerful peeling agent. Rub coconut oil on your henna tattoo and let your skin absorb it before applying raw sugar. Rub the sugar over your tattoo before applying pressure with a loofah or cloth to remove the oil and sugar from the skin.

11. Conditioner

A hair conditioner designed to keep hair hydrated can also remove henna. Apply the conditioner to the tattoo and make sure your skin has time to absorb it completely. Rinse with warm water.

12. Go swimming

Chlorinated water from a public swimming pool may be necessary to remove henna from your skin, and you will do some exercises in the process. Hit the pool for about forty minutes and any henna signs on your skin are likely to disappear beyond recognition.

Even if you have trouble removing henna ink from your skin using the methods described above, it is not necessary to be patient for long. Henna tincture is not permanent and should disappear spontaneously in three weeks if you take a shower daily. If you are allergic to henna, trying to get rid of the tattoo will probably not solve the problem. Talk to a dermatologist about the negative reactions or marks on the skin that henna can cause.

  B. How to remove henna: 7 easy methods

We offer products that we believe are useful to our readers. If you buy through the links on this page, we can earn a small commission. Here is our process. Henna is a paste that people can use to create a decorative temporary tattoo. A henna tattoo usually goes away in a few weeks to months, but several effective methods can remove the henna faster. Henna colors the outermost layer of the skin in a similar way to self-tanners. Many different methods of exfoliation and cleansing can remove henna from the skin. Quick and easy ways to remove henna include:

1. Soap and warm water

Cleaning a henna tattoo with mild soap and warm water can help remove some of the tattoo’s pigment. A person can apply soap to the affected area and rub it with a hand or a soft sponge before rinsing the skin with warm water. Repeating this method several times a day will allow you to remove the tattoo. A person may want to apply a moisturizing lotion afterwards to protect the skin from dryness.

2. Baby oil

Baby oil can help dissolve the henna pigment and remove the tattoo. One method is to add about three capsules of baby oil to a hot bath. After soaking in the bathtub for 20 minutes, a person can rinse the baby oil. People can also use a cotton ball or cotton ball to apply baby oil directly to the tattoo and rinse off after 10 to 20 minutes. Baby oil is available in pharmacies and online.

3. Lemon juice

Lemons contain natural skin lightening and blemish-removing properties that can help remove a henna tattoo.

To remove a henna tattoo with lemon juice, follow these steps:

Cut a lemon in half or in quarters.

Rub the lemon gently on the skin for about 2-3 minutes.

Rinse the lemon juice from the skin with warm water.

Dry your skin and apply moisturizer to prevent dry skin.

People with sensitive skin should be careful with this method, as the acidic properties of lemon juice can irritate the skin.

4. Exfoliating scrub

Henna stains only the upper layers of the skin, so using exfoliants can help remove them more quickly. First, dip the tattooed body part in warm water and then gently rub the affected area with a loofah, removing any dead skin. People can buy a scrub at most pharmacies and also online.

5. Shaving

If the tattoo is on one of your arms or legs, shaving the skin area is another way to remove the henna. Removing hair in that area can help exfoliate your skin and lighten your tattoo. Gently scrape the skin with shaving cream and a clean blade to lighten the henna. Applying a moisturizer after shaving can help minimize razor burn and skin irritation.

6. Baking soda

Baking soda can be an excellent scrub and also removes stains. A person can mix lemon juice and baking soda in a paste that the henna can lighten. To use this method, squeeze the juice of a whole lemon and mix it with enough baking soda to form a thick paste. Apply the paste to the henna and let it sit for about 10 minutes before rinsing with warm water. A person can reapply this paste once a day, but it is important to moisturize it later to prevent dryness and skin irritation.

7. Micellar water

Micellar water is cleaning water that contains special particles called micelles. The micelles gently cleanse the skin and break down oil, makeup and other pigments. Many pharmacies sell micellar water, which can also be purchased online. To use this method, apply the micellar water to the henna with a cloth and gently rub over the area.

8. Safety

Henna can cause allergic reactions in some people who are sensitive to potential additives.

These additives can include vinegar, olive oil, charcoal, cloves and small amounts of heavy metals like nickel. According to the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), the reported side effects of henna tattoos include:

Blow

Sensitivity to the sun

Pigment loss

Redness

Fluid from skin lesions called crying

Some people have also reported permanent scars from henna tattoos. This irritation can occur immediately or up to 3 weeks after use. The patch test, in which a person passes a small amount of henna on the skin and waits 24 hours before applying a complete drawing, may not always indicate the possibility of a delayed reaction.

It is also important to note that some places use “black henna”, which contains a coal tar hair dye compound called p-phenylenediamine (PPD). Doctors have recognized that this additive can cause skin reactions in some people. Although the FDA does not allow manufacturers to add henna to PPD for skin tattoo applications, some companies and doctors continue to use it. Therefore, consumers should beware of temporary black henna tattoo applications.

9. Summary

While nothing can get rid of henna immediately, many methods of cleaning and exfoliation can help you remove the henna tattoo faster. People who need to hide the tattoo quickly can apply makeup or self-tanner with full coverage. If a person has a skin reaction to henna, they should wash the area with soap and water and keep it clean and dry. It is best to see a doctor if the area becomes inflamed and painful.

[kirangaikwad-world]

In vivo CRO Market Size and Growth Factors Research and Projection 2027

In vivo CRO Market Overview:

The report studies In vivo CRO in Global market Professional Survey 2019: Industry Trends, Industry Growth, Size, Share, Drivers, Restraints, Opportunities, Production, Segmentation, Pricing, Value, Volume, Company Profiling, Competitive Landscape, Product Portfolio, and Specifications for the Forecast Period till 2026.

This market intelligence study curates an exhaustive database of industrial essentials for formulating favourable strategies. A thorough investigation of the value chain and the distribution channel is provided in this study by business professionals. The In vivo CRO Market study offers detailed information pertaining to the extent and application of the market, which helps better understand the global sector. This report on the Global In vivo CRO Market discusses several growth prospects, including the industry sectors, current trends, up-to-date outlines, driving factors, and hurdles, overall offering market projections for the coming years.

Market Size – USD 3027.2 Million in 2018, Market Growth - CAGR of 8.4%. Market Trends – Funding for R&D activities and Strategic developments for In vivo CRO Market.

This report covers the recent COVID-19 incidence and its impact on In vivo CRO Market. The pandemic has widely affected the economic scenario. This study assesses the current landscape of the ever-evolving business sector and the present and future effects of COVID-19 on the market.

View Full Report Description with TOC:  https://www.reportsanddata.com/report-detail/in-vivo-cro-market

The In vivo CRO market is heavily consolidated owing to a large number of global, regional, and local key contenders having already established a significant footing. The key participants dominate the operations in the industry with their extensive geographical coverage and huge production facilities. Players operating in this market are in intense competition in terms of technological innovations, product development, and product pricing. To gain a competitive edge over the other competitors in the In vivo CRO industry, the leading players are focusing more on ways to offer products at attractive prices.

Leading Players in In vivo CRO Market:

American Preclinical Services, LLC, BTS Research, Charles River Laboratories, Chiltern International Ltd., Crown Bioscience, Eurofins Scientific, Evotec, ICON PLC, INC Research, inVentiv Health, Parexel International, Pharmaceutical Product Development, LLC (PPD), PRA Health Sciences, Quintiles, Taconic Biosciences and Theorem Clinical Research.

Segmentation:

Type (Revenue, USD Million; 2016–2026)

Rodent-Based

Non-Rodent Based

GLP Type (Revenue, USD Million; 2016–2026)

Non-GLP

GLP Toxicology

Indication (Revenue, USD Million; 2016–2026)

Autoimmune/Inflammatory Conditions

Pain Management

Oncology

CNS conditions

Diabetes

Obesity

Others

Regional In vivo CRO Market (Regional Output, Demand & Forecast by Countries):-

North America (United States, Canada, Mexico)

South America (Brazil, Argentina, Ecuador, Chile)

Asia Pacific (China, Japan, India, Korea)

Europe (Germany, UK, France, Italy)

Middle East Africa (Egypt, Turkey, Saudi Arabia, Iran) and More.

Read full Press Release at: https://www.reportsanddata.com/press-release/global-in-vivo-cro-market

What are the market factors that are explained in the report?

1. Market dynamics: The Automotive Evp (Electric Vacuum Pump) 5 report also assesses the various commercial possibilities that are expected to be revealed in the near future and the positive revenue forecasts in the years ahead. It also studies the key markets and explores different geographies where the industry is established.

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3. The Goal of The Report: The main objective of this research study is to provide a holistic overview and a better interpretation of market aspects to producers, suppliers, and distributors. The readers can get profound insights into this market that will allow them to formulate and develop critical strategies to bring about the desired business expansion.

4. Feature of the report:

The report studies the key factors affecting the market:

The various opportunities in the market.

To study the overall size of the market and deduce industry trends from this analysis.

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To analyze the market on the basis of end-users and applications focused on the growth rate of each application segment.

Reasons to Purchase In vivo CRO Market Report:

1. Current and future progression of In vivo CRO products in the developed and emerging markets.

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4. Identify the recent developments, In vivo CRO market shares, and lucrative strategies deployed by the prominent market contenders.

Moreover, the research report mentions the leading players in the global In vivo CRO market. Their critical marketing approaches and advertising enterprise have been underlined to offer a clear outlook of the In vivo CRO market.

In conclusion, the In vivo CRO Market report is a reliable source for accessing the Market data that will exponentially accelerate your business. The report provides the principal locale, economic scenarios with the item value, benefit, supply, limit, generation, request, Market development rate, and figure and so on. Besides, the report presents a new task SWOT analysis, speculation attainability investigation, and venture return investigation.

Find more research reports on Biotechnology Indutry, by Reports and Data:

1. Biocompatible 3D Printing Materials Market: https://www.reportsanddata.com/report-detail/biocompatible-3d-printing-materials-market

2. Cell Surface Markers Market: https://www.reportsanddata.com/report-detail/cell-surface-markers-market

[amarketingautomation]

Melding SEO and Paid Search Boosts Banking Website Sales

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In 2017 rapper “21 Savage” released a song called “Bank Account.” Ten years ago this wouldn’t have registered on financial marketers’ radar, unless they happened to be rap fans. But in today’s search-reliant marketing age, most banks and credit unions have been affected, even if they’ve never heard of the song or the artist.

Blame it on how Google works. In very broad terms, there are two ways to build traffic on your website through search engines.

One way is Search Engine Optimization (SEO), a variety of techniques for increasing traffic through “organic search.” Essentially, this means taking steps to make it easier for Google and other search engines to find your site’s content, “judge” it to be valuable, and to match it to the search terms that people use to find material on the web. This costs nothing — that is, there is no charge from the search engines, though the talent to do SEO right may cost plenty. Practitioners speak in terms of “earning” attention organically.

The other way is Search Engine Marketing (SEM), a major component of which is Pay-Per-Click marketing (PPC) — often referred to broadly as “paid search.” Marketers bid for keywords to appear in the paid listings at the top of search results. The winners, judged according to their bids and other factors, appear. If a searcher clicks on a paid link, the site’s owners must pay a fee. Ideally, after prospects arrive on the landing page, they accept the offer and become conversions, and the cost of the click is more than paid for.

PPC can be very powerful, but on the other hand, a financial marketer’s goal can be undermined by factors out of left field, like 21 Savage’s “Bank Account,” which is assuredly not about the virtues of savings.

Situations like this cause multiple problems for marketers. First, they can crowd out financial institutions’ initial choices of key words in organic search. Second, financial institutions can end up paying for clicks that have nothing to do with banking. Google has no idea why the searcher clicked on a PPC spot. It just knows “click and ka-ching.”

“You are paying for clicks people didn’t intend, which can frequently happen on mobile search,” says Wil Reynolds, Founder and Director of Digital Strategy at Seer Interactive, during a presentation at The Financial Brand Forum 2019. Marketers who don’t monitor and evaluate usage and results of PPC marketing “are literally burning money,” Reynolds adds. When SEO and SEM are pulled together into one view of what’s going on — which remains a rarity, according to Reynolds — huge patterns of waste can be identified. He says his firm spotted $97,000 in inefficient PPC spending in the first 20 minutes of evaluating web performance for a large banking client.

Issues in PPC will become important to more financial institutions because adoption of this technique is growing. Digital Banking Report’s “2019 Marketing Trends Report” found that 49% of institutions surveyed already use PPC or some other form of SEM and 39% plan to adopt it this year, representing a climb in one year of almost 80%. Reynolds makes it clear that success with these tools depends on active management — the financial marketer who thinks that they can “set it and forget it” is going to regret it.

PPC works, but Reynolds demonstrated that it works best when evaluated in conjunction with SEO. Unfortunately the whole area has been hyped to the max, according to Reynolds. He poked holes in several alleged priorities and gave examples of what happens when SEO and SEM aren’t properly managed.

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Skewering Voice Search and Other ‘Must Haves’

So often, banks and credit unions hear that they have to climb aboard this trend, and that technology, ASAP, or they will lose ground to nimbler competitors. The list of urgencies just keeps on growing.

Financial marketers have to determine carefully whether their institutions will gain enough by being an early adopter to make the expense worthwhile. The notion that such investments will prove out in the long run sounds good, but for the vast majority of institutions, says Reynolds, simply isn’t realistic.

“How many of you get to have goals that you’re allowed to hit eight or nine years from now?” — Wil Reynolds, Seer Interactive

Very large financial institutions can afford to put chips on every spot on the table, but most must pick and choose, or wait.

“Mobile is the future!” has been a rallying cry for years, notes Reynolds, and yes, mobile banking has become a growing force in the industry. However, he points out, pundits started shouting that mobile was the future back in 2001. The mobile services designed back then bear no resemblance to where the channel evolved, and many players would have wasted gobs of money.

“You would have been ahead of the game,” says Reynolds, “but how many of you get to have goals that you’re allowed to hit eight or nine years from now? We don’t live in an environment anymore where marketers are given the time to try anything for the long term. You’ve got to put pundits under more scrutiny when they claim something’s going to be the future —because you’re the ones making the bets.”

Reynolds sets about turning down some hype:

• Voice Search: One influential report predicts that 50% of web searches will be made by voice by 2020 — less than one year away. “How many searches have you done today?” a skeptical Reynolds asked the conference audience. “And how many were done by voice? Are all of you going to stop typing in six months?”

So much voice use is in the realm of “Siri, set the timer,” says Reynolds. “But you don’t make any money on that, do you?”

Statistics aren’t available for voice searches on Google, but using a proxy — based on his observation that older users end their voice requests with “please,” something no one ever types — Reynolds has reviewed voice-based traffic for banking clients. He’s found comparatively little.

“I’m not saying don’t invest in this,” says Reynolds. “But temper how much you invest.”

• Chatbots: “So, chatbots are going to take over,” says Reynolds. Pointing to his smartphone, Reynolds puts his finger on the fingerprint reader and obtains his bank balance in seconds. “If you don’t have fingerprint login, I’m sorry for you,” he says. No chatbot required, and no having the phone’s speaker broadcast one’s potentially low balance.

“Be careful of solving a problem that’s not really that much of a problem,” says Reynolds.

• Artificial Intelligence: “AI makes mistakes too,” just like humans, points out Reynolds. Yet experts often portray it as a panacea. ”

“All this stuff that’s thrown at you again and again, you have to learn to build up an armor against hype because it’s kind of cool to think about doing these things someday,” says Reynolds.

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Improving on What Works Today: Marry SEO and SEM

Over the years, Reynolds says, he’s noted that SEO and PPC don’t talk to each other. In one sense, he means that literally. During web strategy meetings, he’d watch SEO teams scrolling through their emails when the PPC folks talked, and vice-versa. In the same way, available technology didn’t compare the results of the two strategies well either, or at least not without high add-on pricing.

“Even though you’re paying money for PPC clicks, Google won’t give you your organic rankings next to the PPC pages,” says Reynolds, “so you have to find your own way to get them.” He combines the data in an analytical tool from Microsoft called Power BI (Business Intelligence). He notes that other tools, also designed for evaluating large datasets, can be used for this purpose, including Tableau and Looker.

Understanding how SEO performance and SEM performance correlate grows increasingly important, according to Reynolds, because “people search differently today. They add more and more words to their search phrases, and then go with what they find on the first try, rather than refining their search multiple times until they get a precise fix. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, not if they convert to business that is net profitable after the PPC cost is covered. One result of this trend is that the number of keywords financial marketers need to evaluate has risen tremendously. The kinds of tools Reynolds refers to above are needed because analyses can run into tens of thousands of search terms.

(Seer’s website notes this: “A search term is what people are actually typing. A paid keyword is a way to tag or categorize your search terms.” For example, if the PPC keyword is “nike air max,” relevant search terms could include nike air max, nike air maxx, nike air max s 13, kids nike air max — four search terms for one keyword. Paid search can also be set up so that terms can be used to negate certain possible results. For example, to help avoid paying for clicks prompted by searches for the rap song mentioned earlier, a brand can negate terms like “MP3”, “video” and “lyrics.” )

The interrelationship of sites has its own impact on a financial institution’s site strategy. For example, an institution that is a partner with NerdWallet needs to evaluate how that financial advice site’s material shows up in search versus its own content. Such comparisons can influence the search strategies and keyword PPD choices that the institution makes.

Banks and credit unions have to be careful which keywords they choose to pay for. If and when competitors’ PPC ads show up above the institution’s own, the marketing team needs to ask how much that impedes their ability to drive business with those keywords, even when they know that those words can result in conversions for them. Smaller brands need to think twice before going head to head on keywords with major banking brands that are already winning with those words.

Read More:

SEO/SEM Comparisons Can Guide Keyword Choices

The details of the evaluations that Reynolds demonstrated can grow technical quickly. But two examples from his presentation illustrate choices financial marketers will increasingly need to make:

1. Don’t rely on “Best” as a keyword. It’s common for financial institutions to choose “best” as a paid-search keyword. The rationale is that a consumer typing in “best” for a banking institution or a specific service wants the best of breed.

However, ideally, a financial marketer wants to spend on exposure that will be exclusive to their brand. To buy attention on a web page that includes “best” frequently entails a page that includes a ranking, like “The Ten Best.” This means the institution has paid to bring exposure to every institution on that list.

2. Pay close attention to the smallest details. “With Google, even prepositions count,” warns Reynolds. “You need to parse out all your words like ‘for’ and look at all the words that come after them to see if your landing pages are connecting with what people are really searching for.”

Remember, he adds, “when you’re paying Google for keywords, they don’t care that you’re the wrong answer to consumers’ search.”

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from Marketing Automation and Digital Marketing Blog http://amarketingautomation.com/melding-seo-and-paid-search-boosts-banking-website-sales/

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How To Deal With Paranoid Personality Disorder

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How To Deal With Paranoid Personality Disorder

Shaheen Naser February 8, 2019

Did you know that around 10% of individuals globally suffer from a personality disorder (1)?

Paranoid personality disorder (PPD) is a type of personality disorder that can cause the individual to develop unreasonable suspicion of others. If you observe an individual being constantly suspicious in relationships or hypersensitive to criticism, there is a high probability that he/she could have PPD.

To know more about this disorder and how to manage it, read on.

Table Of Contents

What Is Paranoid Personality Disorder?

Paranoid personality disorder (PPD) is a type of personality disorder that causes the affected person to behave oddly or eccentrically. This disorder falls under a group of personality disorders called “Cluster A” (2).

Individuals who have PPD usually also have paranoia. This may lead to unrelenting mistrust and suspicion of others even when there is no reason to do so.

Another hallmark of this disorder is being reluctant to confide in others and bearing grudges. PPD usually surfaces by early adulthood and is more common in men than in women.

The main signs and symptoms associated with paranoid personality disorder are discussed below.

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Symptoms Of Paranoid Personality Disorder

Individuals with PPD are constantly on guard as they believe that others out there are trying to demean, threaten, or harm them. Such unfounded beliefs can interfere with the affected person’s ability to form close relationships.

The symptoms exhibited by a person who has PPD are (3):

Believing that others are trying to harm or demean them

Doubting the loyalty, commitment, or trustworthiness of others

Reluctance in confiding in others

Being hypersensitive when it comes to criticism

Getting angry/hostile quickly

Recurring suspicions when it comes to their spouse/partner, without reason

Being cold and distant in relationships

Difficulty in relaxing

These are some common traits seen in those who have PPD. Let’s now look at the factors responsible for triggering paranoid personality disorder.

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What Causes Paranoid Personality Disorder?

While the exact cause of PPD is not yet found, it is believed to be triggered by a combination of biological, environmental, and psychological factors.

Paranoid personality disorder is often seen in individuals who have close family members with a history of schizophrenia and other delusional disorders (4).

Emotional or physical trauma during early childhood is another contributing factor to the development of PPD.

If you think that you (or someone close to you) are exhibiting symptoms of paranoid personality disorder, it is best to see a doctor.

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How To Diagnose Paranoid Personality Disorder

Once you visit a doctor, they may begin by asking you questions about the symptoms you exhibit and your family and medical history.

They might carry out a physical examination to look for any other possible conditions you may be affected with. If the examination or the symptoms you exhibit indicate PPD, you will be sent to a psychologist, psychiatrist, or a mental healthcare provider for further testing.

The mental healthcare provider will do a comprehensive or detailed assessment that may include asking you about your childhood, work, school, and relationships. You may also be asked how you deal with or respond to an imaginary situation. They gauge your reaction to various situations and then make a diagnosis.

If you are found to have paranoid personality disorder, your doctor will discuss and create a treatment plan for you.

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How To Treat Paranoid Personality Disorder

The main drawback of treating PPD is that most affected individuals have difficulty in accepting treatment. However, in general, treatment for this disorder can be very successful.

Individuals who are willing to go ahead with treatment for PPD can avail talk therapy or psychotherapy (5). These therapies aim at:

Helping the individual cope with the disorder

Teaching how to communicate with others in social situations

Helping reduce the feelings of paranoia

Certain medications can also help in the treatment of paranoid personality disorder. Some medications work especially well if the patient has other related conditions like depression and anxiety disorder. Such medications include (3):

Benzodiazepines

Antidepressants

Antipsychotics

Combining these medications with talk therapy/psychotherapy can help in managing PPD successfully.

It is important to avail treatment for paranoid personality disorder to avoid the complications discussed below.

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What Are The Complications Of Paranoid Personality Disorder?

People with this disorder live less functional lives. The unusual and suspicious behavior associated with PPD can interfere with the affected individual’s relationships as well as their ability to function socially and at work.

You must know that there is no cure or prevention for paranoid personality disorder. Treatment aims at improving the symptoms, and affected individuals may have to continue with the treatment throughout their lives. PPD causes a lot of emotional turmoil. Hence, support and care have a great role to play in managing its symptoms.

Hope you found this post helpful. For any further queries, you can get in touch with us through the comments below.

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Expert’s Answers For Readers’ Questions

What part of the brain is damaged when someone has paranoid personality disorder?

Paranoid personality disorder is more of a problem with belief than the damage of the brain.

Is paranoid personality disorder similar to schizophrenia?

Paranoid personality disorder was initially associated with schizophrenia due to the similarities in symptoms like suspiciousness and paranoid delusions. However, the evidence for such an association is not strong enough (6).

What are the 10 personality disorders?

The 10 types of personality disorders are:

Paranoid personality disorder

Schizoid personality disorder

Schizotypal personality disorder

Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD)

Borderline personality disorder (BPD)

Histrionic personality disorder

Narcissistic personality disorder

Avoidant (or anxious) personality disorder

Dependent personality disorder

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCDP)

References

“Personality Disorders, Functioning and Health” Psychopathology, Karger.

“Paranoid personality disorder.” Journal of Personality Disorders, US National Library of Medicine.

“Pharmacological interventions for paranoid personality disorder” The Cochrane database of Systematic Reviews, US National Library of Medicine.

“Schizotypal and paranoid personality disorder in the relatives of patients with schizophrenia and affective disorders: a review.” Schizophrenia Research, US National Library of Medicine.

“Psychotherapy of Personality Disorders” The Journal Of Psychotherapy Practice and Research, US National Library of Medicine.

“Mistrustful and Misunderstood: A Review of Paranoid Personality Disorder” Current Behavioral Neuroscience Reports, US National Library of Medicine.

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