#really its just to confirm i can do what i say because it's an internal maternity cover contract

[delyth88]

.

[ciatana]

i am going to pride tomorrow and im gonna have a good day with my friends!!!

[abyssalzones]

can you tell us about your interpretation of the better world universe!!!! especially curious how stan/mystery trio works into it

hell yesssss I definitely can. ABW is maybe my favorite niche gf thing and probably the only "AU" I care about but that may be due to the fact that it's an AU that exists in the canon and we know so little about it. so it has an established foundation that you're left to fill in the details with yourself... it's like a poke bowl to me. you can put anything in there

and since I felt like it here's a bonus pic of them living their best lives pestering ford

[explanation-y stuff under ze cut because I got very longwinded]

as for specifics of how I see everything working out, there's a few key points that establish why things happened differently from canon, the most important being:

Stan agrees to hide journal #3 somewhere

Ford reunites with fiddleford and they begin working together again

both of these are already confirmed in canon, the first being the most obvious "schism" between timelines. literally everything in ABW is the way it is because stan made a different decision. kind of crazy in terms of its implications: I feel like that moment in the basement is a really good example of how stan gets so few opportunities to shape her own life (while ford is in the picture...) because of her role as the 'black sheep' twin. it's not exactly a premeditated decision to push ford into the portal, it's her acting on feelings that have been bubbling unaddressed under the surface for 10-something years at that point, and only then does she have any sort of power over the "narrative" of both her life and the story itself, something that from her pov has been ford's story. and in the canon timeline, she says no.

so like, what the hell made her say yes in ABW's timeline? this question kind of haunts me because I feel like it has to be entirely dependent on what the inside of stan's head looked like at the time. it's possible something influenced her, but overall I think it's more interesting if ford did and said all the exact same things up until this point and it really was entirely dependent on stan's decision internally.

so stan says yes, goes on a big trip to the other side of the world somehow, and buries journal 3 somewhere probably never to be found again. yay! but, uh, going on a trip like ford was suggesting would... take weeks. that would leave ford alone again. and not to have my established thoughts informed by new material or anything but bill did give him 72 hours.

so, next order of business: how in the fuck would ford convince fiddleford to rejoin him??? I'm unsure between journal 3 and tbob's information how ford may have tried to reach out to him but it seems like fiddleford was pretty adamant about staying away from that guy, out of guilt or fear of bill/the portal or both. I don't think logically it would just be a matter of ford calling him enough times or finding out where he lives- and I think that's kind of getting away from the point of why ABW is the way it is too. if stan is suddenly making decisions that are influencing ford's life, I think it would be similarly interesting if fiddleford also possessed some unique autonomy in this scenario.

aka I think ford got fucked up badly (possibly involving losing an eye) and fiddleford found him half-dead while trying to burn his house down. [mabel voice] romance!

to clarify: I don't think fiddleford is obligated to take care of ford. a major part of him leaving the project was finally making the decision to leave a situation that was hurting him, that he'd been staying in entirely because he still cared about ford and felt on some level he could still help him (which gets broken with "I don't need you!") and I think that's a very reasonable decision on his part. but I also do have to think about all the times ford has been "the hero" in situations where fiddleford ends up hurt and helpless because of something traumatizing. I think it'd be fascinating to see that reversed and have fiddleford actively making the difficult, messy decision to take care of that guy even when they're on miserable terms. and so begins like a solid week of these two desperately trying to look out for eachother in a nightmare scenario where one of them probably needs to go to a hospital + keeps getting possessed off and on and the other is going through the worst addiction/withdrawal cycle of his life irt the memory gun. yay! (part of the reason this even works To Me also is heavily informed by the lack of secrets: if fiddleford is actively dressing that guy's wounds he can't really keep it all to himself anymore. crushingly intimate perhaps...)

stan gets back eventually. such is the context of this pic

from there it's a nebulous grab-bag of things I think could happen up to the foundation of the institute.

how do all three of these incredibly fucked up individuals get along? well they don't but then they do.

how do they get bill out of ford's head without performing amateur brain surgery? idk. my best guess is a fiddleford and stan bonding trip into ford's mindscape that potentially helps answer the first question. possibly utilizing the memory gun. shrugs.

what's up with that one picture you drew of parallel fidds holding the memory gun up to ford's head? well. okay that one might or might not be something that actually happened but the idea was just that ford is coping badly with a few specific things and I liked the idea of fiddleford "holding onto" something for him to remember and work through later when he's ready to deal with it, it's an interesting reversal of how he's normally more of a memory sink.

from the point in canon about them stabilizing the portal so that bill can't use it to get into their dimension anymore onward, I think it just becomes a matter of them living the lives they could've always had in canon without realizing it. hence "a better world." some cool tidbits I like to think about:

stan gets to transition much earlier (late 1990's perhaps?) and probably starts going by "lee" instead

she's also the institute's CMO and is mostly in it for going on business trips abroad with ford. and the money. obviously.

the institute probably also legitimately changes the world on a sociopolitical scale outside of just interdimensional travel since their research renders them uniquely untouchable and all three of them are trans (I'm cartoon logic-ing a little bit here just let me have this one)

ford is the eccentric bill nye esque face of the company, fiddleford is the backbone. that isn't to say ford doesn't do anything as I think he'd always moreso be in it for the science than the fame (though it is nice to be more than comfortable financially) but it's an open secret fiddleford keeps tabs on literally everything, he's still very security-oriented.

the northwest family now has a more prominent ongoing rivalry with the pines family that could be very funny to think about. they've taken all the LOGGING JOBS with their damn SCIENCE

part of the reason I thought ford should lose an eye is because I think having him wear an eyepatch would be a neat way to parallel stan's "role" as mr. mystery visually! stan wears an eyepatch for no legitimate reason to keep up appearances as a schlocky tourist trap host, but it also alludes to her being more than she seems under the surface. ford's eyepatch does sort of have a legitimate reason to exist, but he also could just wear his glass eye and it would probably be less "conspicuous." he chooses the eyepatch instead because it's part of his image as Stanford Pines, Founder of Oddology, and because it keeps him safe. there's also a little residual scarring there from damage to his eyelid/tarsal plate which could easily represent him hiding the more "damaged" aspects of himself under his successes. ouch.

I'm unsure if ford and stan would ever feel comfortable getting back in touch with their parents. I know a lot of people go that route with fan material but I don't think they should have to. I think they're much happier now having healed the rift between them on their own and getting to live successful lives for themselves, rather than to prove something to their father.

that being said I do think fiddleford gets in touch with emma-may and his son again and they end up on better terms with time and a Lot of effort. tate's family is now composed of his father, mother, "uncle" ford (in the ye olde gay closeted sense of referring to your dad's partner as an uncle), and auntie lee, and I like to think they go out on trips to the lake together often :]

also ford and fiddleford tie the knot unofficially (in the eyes of the government anyway) in 1990. owed to stan somehow getting "ordained" as a rabbi. don't ask me how.

the pines twins start visiting the institute from a younger age than they do irt visiting stan in the show-- but they're only permitted to come along on heavily-supervised interdimensional excursions once they turn 12. cue antics!

anyway, hopefully this extremely longwinded and loosely structured mess helped answer your question. I like ABW sooo so so much you guys

[prettysweetprettysweet]

i really do feel genuine queerness radiating from the narrative in Cherry Magic Thailand in a way that it might not have in other people's hands. the thing that truly roped me in from the beginning was how Karan's love for Achi, beyond the inherent goodness of it, also created a vast spectrum of negative emotion for Karan that most queer people could immediately recognize and sympathize with. specifically, how uniquely queer it is to have your love and attraction to someone be so closely married to terror at the thought of disgusting them that the concept and feeling of love is tainted for you in ways that it isn't for straight people.

i was hooked by episode 2 when Karan recognized that putting himself out there in even the smallest ways was causing Achi discomfort, and he resolved to just...settle. i can settle, i can settle, i don't need more than what we have right now. i won't make him any more uncomfortable than I already have. i'm being selfish, i need to retreat and keep a distance so he doesn't have to think about me when he doesn't want to, so he doesn't have to dwell on bad things.

he is so concerned with the thoughts and feelings of others that he constantly allows it to branch into self-denigration in relation to his queerness. like after he and Achi were forced to have physical contact by the party game, he's so preoccupied with Achi's fear and discomfort that one of the first things he says to him is "they shouldn't have made us play that game. what guy would be okay with kissing another guy?" and its like...Karan, you would! you would love to kiss the guy right next you and thats okay! to me it seemed like he was giving Achi a pass in case he was disgusted, like 'its okay if [my] queerness grossed you out just now.'

and as @poetry-protest-pornography pointed out here, Karan's confession of love is weighed down by so much negative emotion. right out of the gate, Karan is apologizing for having these types of thoughts and feelings about Achi, taking Achi's willingness over the past few weeks to get to know and be known by Karan as an act of charity, and apologizing for betraying his trust by wanting more. like, you gave me a good thing and i perverted it and made it bad. i'm so sorry.

this resonates with me so much because his internal dialogue was so similar to mine when i came out, but in the context of my relationship with my mother. in the months after i came out to her, every time i saw her i was looking for clues in her body language that confirmed my agonizing suspicion that she was disgusted by me. every time i saw her, my first thought would be 'she's thinking about it and she's disgusted with me, i'm gross to her.' and when i saw her minutely reacting to parts of my own body language that were too butch and masculine (that i hadn't really spent a lot of time thinking about prior to coming out), i vowed to start being more conscious of how i spoke and presented so that i wouldn't make her uncomfortable because i felt so, so bad about forcing her to associate me, her child, with something perverted and gross. Karan's instinct to be ashamed, apologetic, and remorseful for being himself and feeling his feelings makes this show so, so gay for me.

[project-sekai-facts]

Fes gacha updates

Before I say anything else I'm just gonna say the vast majority of the fes updates are incredibly disappointing, especially if you're F2P. Like seriously if you're F2P don't expect to come out of this post entirely happy. I can be mean to clpl because I'm F2P and this is total bullshit. Anyway.

Starting from the fes gacha on this sunday, Colorful Festival will now be known as Bloom Festival! It also has a newly designed logo as seen in the picture above, complete with flowers in all the unit colors, including Virtual Singer, which pretty much confirms that all 26 characters will be getting 2nd fes cards. The good thing about this confirmation is that unless they fuck with the schedule again and put 3 characters on one banner a few times, this means the story will continue past 6th anniversary, something there'd previously been concerns about. There's only 9 fes banners before 6th anniversary (10 if you include 6th anniversary), but you need 13 banners to cover everyone. So that's really nice news!

More information that we were told on stream, as well as story and gacha lineup predictions can be found below the cut!

Unfortunately we have not yet been told what exactly the differences between colofes and bloomfes are in terms of story. Based on the whole journey to bloom/world bloom (internal name for WLEs) thing, I reckon it could be something like the characters' Fragment SEKAI expanding, like what happened with the Tree SEKAI in Let Your Song Resonate. It would also tie into the plot of WLEs, so it would make a lot of sense. Some other speculation I've seen since March is that they might have entirely new Fragment SEKAI, which I think is entirely plausible due to character development and changes in their personal conflicts, and another was that these could be like bandori's kirafes cards, which focus on relationships. While I think this would be interesting, and makes some sense since prsk does take influence from bandori in some ways due to sharing a parent company (craftegg), I feel like they would've mentioned that.

We do know a lot about the differences between bloomfes and colofes on a meta and gameplay level, and unfortunately this is the not f2p-friendly part.

The main gimmick of bloom festival that differentiates them from colofes is that bloomfes cards will have 2 skills! One skill will apply for the untrained card, and one for the trained card. You can switch them at any time, presumably by flipping the illustration when it's on your deck. There's a catch though. The catch is that to train bloomfes cards, you will need 3 Wish Drops (the items used to level up area items past lvl10) on top of all the regular 4* training materials. All players will be given 3 wish drops for free, but aside from that these are incredibly hard to earn for casual players due to being the most expensive item in the event shop at 50000 tokens per wish drop. Basically the game is forcing you to sacrifice other shop rewards, tier, or spend money. Not that colopale needs it when the game earns millions a month.

(translated graphic from @/pjsekai_eng on Twitter)

The skills are also not the most fairly balanced. That's an understatement actually. You have to be a massive whale to get the max skill on these cards, it is literally impossible for casual players.

The untrained card skills vary between virtual singers and human characters. For vsingers, at max level, they give a 90% score boost, but gain +30% boost for every different unit type on your team (though it only applies to two types max, giving you a total of 150% bonus). This is pretty easy to achieve, so that's good for scoring purposes!

For human characters, you get an 80% base score boost at max skill level. By selecting one other card in your team, you get an additional boost of half of that card's skill increase (eg: if the card selected has a score boost of 100%, the bloomfes score boost will get 50% added to its base 80%, for 130% total). I'm not sure if this card is selected manually or automatically. But nonetheless this is a pretty good skill too!

The issue lies with the trained skill. At max level, it gives a base score boost of 110%, which is pretty good, but the additional boost is scaled by your Character Rank, with +1% score boost per 2 ranks (eg: a player with a CR40 Miku will get a bonus 20% score boost) on top of the 110, for 130% boost total). The issue here is that the absolute max boost you can get require CR100, which is ridiculously hard to get without spending money, and is near impossible to do for multiple characters. In other words, this skill is for your oshi, and you have to be willing to spend a lot or grind a lot for said oshi. And also be lucky enough to even pull your oshi from the gacha. It's incredibly geared towards P2P players and is totally unfair for F2P players. There's also the issue of the fact you need 3 wish drops to even unlock this skill, another thing that is against F2P players.

Anyway, let's move on to something a bit more fun! Who is gonna be fes? Here's an overview of how it's looking right now:

There's three possible ways that the fes cards could be paired up: using the same pairs as colofes, using different but still same-unit pairs, or using mixed unit pairs.

I think the second or third option is more likely. If you wanted to do the first option, it would have to be Honami/Shiho, Haruka/Airi or An/Toya, but there's still chance that An could be on Kohane5, Haruka only very recently had a card (though this has not stopped other characters, and Shiho is quite likely to be on the event.

In terms of alternate same-unit pairs, I think Kanade/Ena and Airi/Shizuku are the most likely. Kanade and Ena are both reward cards on the current Mafuyu event, so it could be a sign that they'll be fes, plus Kanade hasn't had a 4* since February. However, both of them have a lot of 4*s right now, with Niigo having the most in the game overall. Alternatively there's Shizuku and Airi. Airi is the second-most due for a lim out of all the characters, with her last one being released at the end of October last year. Shizuku only very recently got a card, but again this has not been much of an issue in the past, with Minori, Tsukasa, and Emu all getting fes cards very soon after an event where they got 4*s (or an event where they got unit-gacha lims for Tsukasa and Emu).

However if you wanted to go for mixed unit pairings, the most likely options are probably Ichika/Kanade, Honami/Kanade, or Airi/Ena. However if the june event isn't 2-B lims, the Hinomori sisters and Saki/Airi are also options. Ichika hasn't had a 4* since white day, neither has Kanade, and Honami hasn't had one since Rise as One. However, we know they will be getting cards soon, and under the assumption that 2-B lims happen, it seems a bit unfair to give 3/4 of Leoneed lims just before WLE. I don't have an argument against Airi/Ena, it's definitely the most likely out of these options.

However, just for consistency I'm willing to bet that they'll stick with same-unit pairs. In that case, I think either Kanade/Ena or Airi/Shizuku is very likely. Maybe I'm leaning a bit more towards Airi, but only because she's more in need of a lim.

But just to throw one last thing out there: the next update will implement an increased, 25% event bonus for default virtual singers, a bonus that pretty much exclusively applies to fes cards since players are far less likely to use the default vsinger 1*s and 2* on their team. So there's a chance, albeit slim, that they could throw us under the bus with Len/KAITO fes. I still think Kanade/Ena or Airi/Shizuku is more likely.

Anyway, that's all for now. Some of these updates are a bit disappointing but I'm interested to see the cards and read their stories! I'll update this post if we learn any more information.

[sillysiluriforme]

Hey, so kind of random but can I just say I really appreciate how you are dipping into the religious guilt and internal conflict angle with Nino?

Cos its extremely cool!

I'm used to most stories doing one of the following:

Character doesn't think about it at all, little odd but workable if they just roll with magic existing in general.

Instantly and easily accommodate it into their belief system, IE, (Insert god her) clearly intended for this. Which can be fine but dull.

Immediate flat earth atheism/blind zealotry. & like, I've seen how some folks can get about any given belie system but its kind of meh.

Your version feels much more nuanced and thoughtful.

Oh there's one other I don't often see but that I do like:

This actually confirms all my beliefs or only causes a minor readjustment because of my specific spirituality.

This is kind of what I assume Kagami's response would be, like, "Oh there's a W in Kami? Our bad."

Thank you !! Sprinkling some religious characters in stories always make them more grounded to me ? Like it’s weird that everyone is atheist and really accepting of supernatural stuff.

I get that it’s extra leg work for a lot of writers but it’s compelling to ME and I’m going to do that leg work !! Fuck it !!! What would your imam grandad think about the ethics of being a magical girl ??

[mantisgodsart]

[...isolation of the transformation appears to worsen the standard disorientation of a new body. I believe that the familiarity of the upper body may be offsetting the psychological impact of the lower body - as not everything has changed, the subject still "expects", on some level, that their body will work similarly, despite radical changes to organ systems and locomotion and the near-total overhaul of the centre of gravity.]

[The subject appears to be leaning on hexapodal motion as a type of "crutch", despite the size of the lower body making most of these sorts of motions awkward at best - the tournament venue doesn't currently have many internal spaces sufficient to test this one's mobility, but outdoors venues seem more promising for testing, anyways. This confirms something that I've previously suspected, as well - subjects find it more difficult to adjust to addition of new limbs than they do subtraction of limbs.]

[Subject appears to exhibit difficulty with coordination in the lower limbs, and has adopted an extremely "cautious" form of motion, taking steps with one limb at a time. The difference between upper and lower limbs means that this mode of movement is extremely... clumsy, to say the least. I intend to keep them under observation for a few more days before release and see if this resolves within the initial settling period or not. After that, just some periodic check-ins should be...]

Hello, and welcome to: watercolor paintings for Round 2 of @bug-oc transmutations! Mirach by @ghost-of-hallownest. Some extra details under cut because this is a long post and we don't want to make it longer.

This one is based pretty heavily on Dragon!Falin from Dungeon Meshi, but we're bringing through some lizard-y aspects from last year, and very much having fun with the tabby-cat patterns on the back - though technically speaking, Mirach's blue is limited to her wings, adding some markings to the body helps us break up that big plane of sandy yellows and add some interest to the design. We think it turned out well!

If we could fit it in, we'd add a third bit of Marigold notes related to the actual transmutation method, since it's been living in our brain for a while, and we think our Potion Drawing might be a bit... abstract, otherwise?

More or less, the weave - the active transmutation medium - is woven to the inside of the lasso's... lasso, and upon encircling something with it, the weave is transferred to the target, thus making the lasso fall apart entirely as a major component of its structure abruptly ceases to be part of the object.

This transfer-and-break is the same general method through which most of Marigold's "one-use" charms work - as the effect is now tied to the target's body, rather than an object, it simply remains in effect until the weave "wears in" to the body entirely, shifting it from an effect active on the subject to a part of the subject's body.

This means that, before the effect is fully integrated into the body, it can be broken, though as with all charmcraft some effects may still linger. This also makes it so, technically, the charmcraft only casts an effect on the caster - the same effect through which pretty much all Medals work - rather than being a direct interface a la wiring it directly into the bug's body, which is illegal and what Marigold spends a lot of time tiptoing around to produce major effects on a bug's body without the single most useful method for bodily alteration Charmcraft has to offer.

...that was longer than we really expected it to be. We are working on the other contestants, both of this round and the last, though it's going very slowly seeing as the afternoon sun is currently hot enough to melt our brain into a fine sludge. We've got a solid idea of all three other Round 2 designs, and we've finally got a sketch for Mal - though Pola is being delayed, still, due to our poor comics-making decisions. We're working on it! Slowly!

If we could figure out how in the hell to represent it visually, we'd be working on making a loser's bracket, too, but as is... listen, we're not a graphics designer for a reason. If you are a graphics designer and we can outsource designing a loser's bracket to you then please contact us. We have a budget of approximately ten dollars. We can do PayPal but if your payment processor of choice is US-exclusive we cannot help you.

[genderkoolaid]

yeah im a aro-spec lesbian and ive literally been told that im 'reinforcing the predatory lesbian stereotype' bc i still sleep w/ ppl even tho im not really interested in dating rn. it doesnt matter that there are plenty of other lesbians that have casual sex, but apparently thats fine since they can fall in love but its bad when i do it bc im just 'using ppl' and 'have commitment issues'. even tho the women i sleep w/ all know and are fine w/ there not being any potential romance. but yeah amatonormativity totally isnt a problem in the lesbian community 🙄

yeah godddd even in queer spaces im super hesitant about being openly aro. cause casual sex/FWB is all fun and quirky when you're assumed to be allo and will eventually get a romantic partner/view casual sex as a gateway to romance. but if you are openly aro and want casual sex/FWB/sexual friendship/etc. then you are reinforcing stereotypes/internalized homophobia/traumatized/commitment issues/a heartless slut preying on allo people (who have feelings while we don't because we're incapable of love or being hurt!)

i think a lot of allo people don't understand that there is a difference in how people treat someone whose "taking a break from dating/sex to focus on themself" or "just having fun and letting off steam" and an aro/ace person just. existing and doing anything at all. if i told people i was taking a break from dating pr wasn't looking for anything serious right now they'd be totally chill, but say i don't feel romantic attraction, never want a romantic relationship and my ideal relationship is "friends with benefits"? suddenly they treat me like i'm a dr. phil guest.

and its bitterly ironic for the exact reason you mentioned: allos accuse us of "leading people on" and tend to assume we're going to be somehow toxic or abusive or predatory in relationships. and so we'll be so painfully clear about what we want and don't want and get confirmation that its okay a million times.... and then our allo lovers will get mad at us for not being okay with things we explicitly said we weren't okay with, and for not falling in love despite our explicit explanation that we don't fall in love.

[devine-fem]

I wanted to talk about Damian’s sexuality.

That comes out weird, I know but this is prompted more so because I saw someone post about how he’s always been straight and op didn’t understand how people were so surprised when he started dating Nika. Then someone took a jab at Damijon + another person who said they didn’t understand the concept of Damian not understanding queerness.

I think that Damian doesn’t understand queerness but I’ll get into it toward the end of the post.

This will be put in two parts. One for Damian and how he feels about his sexuality and Damian’s internalized homophobia.

Let’s start with his canon love interest; Flatline. Flatline unlike his other attempted love interests was supposed to be taken seriously and didn’t suck. Compared to the others on this list, we should be rejoicing at Flatline.

Then this person used panels where it suggested that Damian had a sexual interest in a woman.

Almost every single person Damian has been interested in has been treated like a joke and not taken seriously. Some women are much too old for him and just awful picks.

Katana… why… stop please. Another example of them only doing it as a joke. This is so weird considering she’s much older.

Supergirl. Another joke. And much older.

Djinn… I don’t even know why…

Cassie Sandsmark… in a Earth, nice one Tom Taylor.

He has a couple more one off ones that weren’t taken seriously as well.

I know he got a cheek kiss from Emiko. He also dated Raven in an animation but I feel it was more a plot device. Also there are a lot of sexual jokes about Damian and I hate because he’s supposed to be ten by that time… there were some weird sexual impilcations when he teamed up with steph and I don’t know why writers do that instead of exploring the potential of their characters together and relationship…

Now let’s get into how Damian personally feels about his sexuality.

He jabs at romance and the concept of it a lot.

In Robin 2021 he also was very against romance but it was more as a way to sheild himself from his feelings. The only real confirmation that Damian is attracted to woman is Nika. So thank you, Nika. Anything other than that is just comphet to me at least.

This is also why he’s hc as Aro, Ace or Demi because he literally shows no interest in romance and the only times he does it feels like the writer has forgotten his personality.

TW: SEXUAL ASSAULT.

People don’t talk about that time Damian was kind of drugged/mind controlled and sexually assaulted… I’m not sure if people don’t perceive it that way but it seemed like SA to me.

She’s much older than him. He’s a ten year old. The way she’s speaking… her being naked. Damian telling her he doesn’t like it. Him not being in his right frame of mind… it reads this way to me.

Listen, I don’t understand how you can interpret Damian as any sexuality anyway when he’s so young. Only when he’s thirteen/fourteen can it truly be explored.

Although, Damian saying he won’t/can’t feel that way also proves my case.

He’s never really shown a whole bunch of interest in anyone.

—— End of trigger.

Now for the internalized homophobia.

So, the arguement is “he’s too smart not to know about queer culture…” What? What part of not knowing about queer culture makes you stupid?

Damian grew up in a very controlled environment where he was taught how to survive, taught how to lead and how to feel. What part of his schedule would fit in learning about queerness?

Internalized homophobia is in no way a bad thing and personally, as others do as well, see it as another way to queer code because its something a lot of queer people experience. This doesn’t negate the attraction to woman by the way but that doesn’t mean Damian can’t be interpreted as some other type of queer.

There’s also people who like to negate and ignore this part of Damian’s character but… why? These moments are part of important comics with his character. Damian was young and didn’t know much about well, anything. If you’re not personally queer yourself then you have no real incentive to learn about queerness.

There’s nothing really wrong with it. Even if Damian used gay as more of an insult. I doubt he knew what being queer was outside of “When boy likes boy.”

Also, he makes some comments often that come off… not the best.

I still really don’t think its bad and can be interesting if explored.

This also coupled with his culture shock, probably adds to his confusion on certain cultures.

I mean, he doesn’t know all that much. He’s not exactly mister super genius when it comes to real life things as well.

He doesn’t know what laffy taffy is… come on.

All this evidence doesn’t even matter anyway because it’s confirmed that when he does go to pride that knows literally nothing about it and has to be EXPLAINED by a friend about how it came about and how it works but people get so upset about that.

I don’t know what Damian’s sexuality could possibly be but I just don’t personally think he knows either and that has nothing to do with Damijon or any ship, but with canon.

I wanted to go more indepth to this but yeah, internalized homophobia Damian is very close to me.

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

while i agree the other anon wasn’t particularly eloquent, they are right. AFAB, in its original definition from intersex terminology, means assigned female at birth OFTEN INCORRECTLY due to ambiguous genitalia. this happens to males more often than females because most intersex genitalia fall inbetween full penis and full vulva, and many (not all) intersex males end up being born with genitalia that appear to skew towards the female end. this doesn’t correlate 1:1 with intersex females simply because an underdeveloped vulva still looks like a vulva. to answer your question, the ones who are AMAB are still overwhelmingly male. the doctors are not purposely scheming and declaring a male baby a female baby because they see a male and decide to shake things up: they see a female baby because of the ambiguous genitalia they see. it’s a mistake, not a conspiracy.

in the cases of Caster Semenya, and likely Imane Khelif, most intersex males in sports are essentially fully male but with internal gonads due to their condition, which makes their genitalia just appear as a vulva at birth. that’s why they’re raised as female. and it’s common knowledge that it’s easy to mistake the sex of prepubescent children outside of straight up looking at their genitalia because the sexual dimorphic traits that we can see from a distance don’t begin to really show until after puberty. this same thing happened to a swiss skiier in 1966, Erik(a) Schinegger, who accepted the reality of his male sex and even tried to return the medal he won to the woman he beat in the Womens Downhill Run Ski World Championship. Caster Semenya has fathered children and has every single sexually dimorphic trait as perisex men, the ONLY difference is that he was born with ambiguous genitalia that got labelled as female at birth.

i think you have your heart in the right place, but listening to what’s actually being argued in regards to Imane and intersex males (especially those with confirmed 5ar2d) is crucial. it’s very likely, if not guaranteed, he’s male and knows it. multiple boxing organizations have now come out to say he is. they cannot release private medical information (only Imane can, and he knows that if he’s asked to prove his sex and refute the claims it’ll show that he is in fact male) but they can say he did not pass a test that determines if XX chromosomes are present in the dna of the athletes, which by process of elimination means he does have XY.

i say all this in factual matter by the way. i have empathy for intersex males who grew up fully believing they are female until they underwent puberty, especially in Imane’s case where his home country is extremely misogynistic and anti-LGBT. however, it’s still completely unfair to the perisex female athletes who have to compete against males who are AWARE of their male sex, and are far more at risk of injury or death due to the nature of boxing. personally, i choose to put the safety of women over the hurt feelings of men who are just being told they can’t compete with women. no they didn’t ask to be born that way, but neither did perisex women.

the ioc is also complicit in muddying the waters of this situation too. they were the ones who let Laurel Hubbard compete, they are the ones who refuse to do sex testing to ensure fairness and instead go off of editable documents, and they are the ones insistent on making feminists look evil by intentionally conflating intersex men with intersex women. even women with pcos and hyperandrogenism do not have HALF the levels of natural testosterone as the LOWEST LIMIT of testosterone of males, including intersex males. the ioc allows intersex males to compete in the womens catsgory with higher levels of testosterone than women who are banned by DOPING WITH TESTOSTERONE. literally, trans men who take T are not allowed even if they still have lower testosterone than intersex males. this is why we’re frustrated with the ioc and with the situation with Imane.

I see. I'm not too proud to admit that I can be wrong. My honest answer to this whole situation is that I do not know enough about it. I did not know all of this. Thank you for sharing. I'm interested to know what others have to say in favor/opposition to this.

[manicpixieyandere]

Homelander & DID

Today we wanted to talk about Homelander from The Boys! Specifically Homelander's DID. Now we haven't read the comics, and have heard he's a bit different there. So this post will just be about Homelander from the show.

Even in the earlier seasons we noticed Homelander tended to "zone out" and then start masking. At least that's what it looked like at first. But as it kept happening in the show more and more, we started to think maybe he has DID? Then in season 3 and 4 they basically confirm he has alters and a system with internal communication. Now we don't know a lot about his system. No alters have names or anything, but they do seem to have clear characteristics from the brief seconds we got with them all together.

Homelander having DID can be quite problematic but also interesting. Let's get the problematic stuff stated as it's important. DID rep in media has never been amazing. You have movies like Split with the evil alter trope that caused massive damage to the world's perception of DID and other dissociative disorders. But Homelander is a bit different than that. In the sense he doesn't really seem to have an evil alter, they all suck in one way or another.

We have a love hate relationship with Homelander's DID. Obviously the DID community deserves more rep that aren't villains and murderers. But also Homelander is incredibly well written and his DID is handled with care. He flips the trope of the evil alter on its head by being all evil. Some have said he may have a good alter, his human side. That would just continue to make him flip the trope on its head even more. He has a good alter amongst a system of evil. A complete inverse of the usual trope. We find it incredibly interesting.

But back to his DID being handled with care. The show never tries to sugar coat Homelander's trauma or make it his fault for being abused. He was manipulated his whole life into being tortured by the only people he ever knew. He was a child. And the show knows this. In fact we'd argue the scenes where he punishes the scientists who raised them are quite uplifting. Obviously no one IRL can do that to their abusers, but it's a power fantasy many victims have had. It was powerful to see on screen. That's about the only good thing that man has done.

But of course he's still a horrible person. Murder, r*pe, you name it. But even then his mental condition is still treated with care. It would have been easy to say his DID is what made him evil. But they aren't. He had a rough childhood, but he's still evil because he is actively choosing to do all these horrible things to people. That was his choice, not the scientists. We have never seen a scene of his alters fighting on whether or not to do the right thing, because none of them really care to.

The thing with villainous rep of neurodivergent characters is it can be a damaging stereotype but also something those of the same condition enjoy seeing on screen. Take the popularity of Jinx from Arcane for example. The poster girl of BPD. She is a murderer and terrorist. Yet her trauma in the show is also handled with care. She's a villain, but many still relate to certain aspects of her character. It's fiction. Many ND people have been told all their life they're monsters for the conditions they have. Thus it can be freeing to see a character just like you, being just that. It's fiction, they didn't really murder anyone. Characters are just toys in a story to play around with.

But the thing is those toys can still cause harm. In a perfect world a character like Homelander would be fine. Because you'd have plenty of characters with DID who are both heroes and villains. And also many inbetween. But it's not a perfect world. The fact is DID rep has been mostly harmful. And this doesn't really help. So while Homelander is an extremely interesting and well written character, the DID aspect was perhaps not needed and may do more harm than good. I think they did an ok enough job in not making it a complete shit show. The DID is not the biggest part of his character, nor the reason he is evil. The condition itself is handled with care. But in a world that desperately needs good DID rep, it's just more of the same.

So while we personally may enjoy a good ND villain, we can also recognize the problems here. We think it's good to look at both the good and bad of what we were given. Not everything is black and white. But at the same time, this is quite a dark shade of gray.

[daeva-agas]

Speaking of the Senshi/Shitennou pairs. I was kind of curious why those stones in particular, right. Kunzite and zoisite are so unusual that I think only gemstone aficionados know them, and even though jadeite and nephrite are somewhat more commonly known names IIRC it still made people mess up the mineral names back in the day.

Well, uh, so, it was alleged that Takeuchi-sensei chose them to match the character and personalities of the senshi they're partnered with, so... Excuse me while I go overthink this and have a meltdown in suffering.

In the first place, supposedly the "inner senshi" are officially meant to be called "guardians"/"guardian deities" (守護 or 守護神). Haven't seen the raws, so I can't confirm, but that's what the JP media says. The term "Shitennou", as many are already aware of, are originally a term used to refer to a set of 4 Buddhist guardian deities.

If true then it just feels like they're all intended to be perfectly matching sets from the start, and it just never made it into the story.

I read that Sailor Moon was originally meant to just end with the Dark Kingdom plot, so maybe sensei intended to have a Romeo and Juliet sad ending where everyone just dies in the end?

These are all based on Japanese gemology guides (same as what I used to research for the Shitennou knight titles), since I imagine it's more likely to be the one Takeuchi-sensei had access to. These may differ from international ones.

(Warning: Long post)

In the manga sensei specified that the zoisite is the blue one, that's also known as "tanzanite". The blue variety of zoisite, among other things, means "calm and intelligence".

The connection to Ami/Mercury's character is very straightforward and obvious.

In terms of romance, a zoisite also means "subdued expressions of love". It really makes me think of how gentle this pair looks in the splash art sensei drew.

Kunzite means "premonition of a lover". It's specifically oh dang when I saw this because Minako was "special" among the senshi in the way that her character vibes are based on "love" (because Venus, goddess of love), rather than the original elemental name attached to the planet. It fits enough to make you pause and wonder if this it truly a coincidence.

The planet venus originally has the element of "gold/metal". The gold is reflected in her design somewhat, but her senshi identity is more related to "love". The other girls' names matches their planets' element names. E.g Jupiter = mokusei = wood, Ki(no) = wood/tree. Mercury = suisei = water, Mizu(no) = water.

Also Venus's relationship with Kunzite ended up being the one who got the most hints actually shown in the manga, so... I do wonder.

The two jades are less overly specific like this, especially Nephrite, but well.

Jadeite is the native jade from Japan, and has been long used to make magatama since ancient times. As such it's always seen as a deeply spiritual stone, that can protect against and/or ward off evil. A perfect match for Rei, who is a miko. One wonders if sensei chose the stone because of Rei being a miko, or if she made Rei a miko after choosing this name for the one matched with her.

Edit: Japanese Wiki claims Rei being a miko was based on Takeuchi-sensei's personal experience as a part time miko. So then Jadeite had to have been named/chosen to fit her, if this theory is true.

Not to mention that Akuryou Taisan, the evil-banishing spell, is something that she uses quite often.

Nephrite is the most confusing one here, because I'm not really able to find the connection. That's why I initially had strong doubts about the rumour/claim about the gemstone names' connection to the senshi.

In the gemology guide that I referenced, its meaning is "charm of maturity". I suppose Mako has always felt like she's older than the other girls, because her hobbies (cooking and home decor) feels really motherly.

Other than that and the stone being a deep green colour similar to Jupiter's senshi outfit I'm not entirely sure. (in the manga, sensei says nephrites are "always deep green" even though IRL that's not the case)

----

Just my additional comments after reading everything that I did:

In terms of colour, I like to think Jadeite is a red jade. Not just to match Rei, but in the manga Jadeite's stone is always coloured the darkest (it's almost all-black). Of all the various jades, red is one of the darker-toned ones.

The shading can be arbitrary, especially if sensei was just tracing from reference photos. Dark green jadeite also exist, so for all I know this is intended to be green too.

But if I use the logic that the stones are matched with the girls' character, I think red just fits the best. In gemstone language the red jade means "tenacity" and "willpower". Green jades tends to be associated with things like harmony, prosperity, luck, and so on. It doesn't feel very Rei-like.

Also, the nephrite jade being a "soft jade", it's associated with very cuddly meanings such as "warm" or "gentle", which makes me laugh even more than the "wisdom" one.

Unless, again, these words are more attached to the matching girls' character, rather than the guy in question, because yes I think Mako is definitely very warm and gentle and fluffy and very huggable.

Although other-coloured zoisite varieties were said to have different meaning, it looks like blue is the predominant zoisite colour in Japan. A lot of Japanese gem sites tend to automatically just say "it's blue" while describing zoisite, even though there's obviously other colours out there.

Sensei did specify it's "blue zoisite, a.k.a tanzanite" in the manga, so I think she's aware of the other colours having different meanings attached. Some articles also had mentioned Takeuchi-sensei's family runs a jewellery store?

I wonder if this is why Crystal went with the gemstone's healing properties for Zoi's title though, because the gemstone words overlaps too much with Mercury in a very in-the-face way. The other meanings are Hope, Mystery, Pride, and Noble, and maybe those don't make very good title names? Like, the only viable one is probably Hope, though I feel like it would be even more confusing if Crystal said Zoi is the "Knight of Hope" or whatever.

Another thing about Kunzite is that its meaning also include "pure and everlasting love", but the website caveated this that this is a saintly kind of love (for the gem's association with Holy Mother Mary). So it's not necessarily something to get overly excited about in terms of SenShi headcanoning, but, well, it's there.

"Shitennou" in Japanese pop culture is generally used to just mean "4 very important people", so it didn't have to actually mean anything. Like, a few samurai in history had their "shitennou", who are just the best 4 generals serving under them. Most famous being the Tokugawa shitennou, but other samurai lords actually have their own so-called shitennou. It's just that if the senshi are officially named "Guardians", then this changes the context.

[dreamlifebunny]

hi~ i just wanted to know your thoughts or opinions on tarot readings? i got into reading tarot about a year ago and it turns out i am pretty good at it ! i get so inspired and really feel like im helping people when i give them readings. im not really sure if it's on brand for neville's teachings though. I've been a bit torn cause I really do fully believe in the virtues of both NG and divination, but it's kind of hard cause law of assumption is all about finding answers from the inner man, not from external sources (like tarot cards...) so i just wanted to know if you have any advise on keeping a balance of these things or maybe i should walk away from tarot practices altogether? yeah im not really sure, but any thoughts you have would be much appreciated 🫶🏻

OMG ANON, this is my favourite question EVER!! I completely understand what you mean, it's hard to "believe" in or use tarot when you know that you create your own reality and answers. However, I think that tarot is a super great tool for us to get to know our limiting beliefs and help us along our manifesting journeys!

Before I begin, I wanted to say that I think you are very wise to be questioning two seemingly "opposing" beliefs (tarot as an external source, law of assumption as an internal source). Spirituality and truth come from asking questions and getting to the very core of our beliefs, and I think you're doing good work here by trying to figure this out and asking these questions! ❤️

At its core, tarot is a collection of universal symbols that humanity has repeatedly identified with and recognized over time. It's very easy for us to look at a card's imagery and see how it reflects our own lived experiences. With this in mind, tarot is actually a really great way for us to better understand ourselves and our beliefs and solidify our manifesting practice!

I'll give you a couple examples. Let's say that I know for a fact that all of my desires have already been said "yes" to and that all I need to do is relax and be excited and fulfilled. If I asked, "where am I blocked in my manifestation?" and I pulled the Four of Cups, the card could be telling me that I am being handed my desire but I keep saying "no" to it by not believing that it is already mine!

Another example could be that I know that all I need to do is go within myself and fulfill the inner man. If I ask the question "where am I blocked in my manifestation?" and pull the Five of Pentacles, it could be saying that I am ignoring the warmth and abundance that is inside myself and instead am choosing to wander around the outside world looking for confirmation!

As you can see, I am not relying on the tarot to tell me whether or not my desire is coming, because the truth of the Law of Assumption has already given me that answer; a resounding yes! Instead, I am using the tarot to show me where I am straying from the truth, and getting advice on where I can reclaim my power as I Am.

In a way, we can use tarot similarly to how Neville used the bible; he analyzed the bible and re-framed the content to better understand and reflect the truths of the Law of Assumption, and we can do the same using tarot! The Law is the truth, and the tarot helps us return to that truth when used in a helpful way.

Additionally, there is absolutely nothing wrong with using tarot even though you know the truth of the Law of Assumption. For example, we know that we can lose weight without working out simply by assuming we have lost weight, but some people absolutely love going to the gym and have fun working out, so they should absolutely keep doing that! Same with tarot; we know that we can find all of the answers we need inside of ourselves, but we are also humans who struggle with human problems and tarot can be a really comforting and fun thing. Plus, if you get super inspired doing tarot and it brings joy to your life, then you ABSOLUTELY should continue doing it! 💗 Manifesting and Neville's teachings come from a place of wanting to feel the absolute most lovely feelings and give yourself the best life possible, and if tarot gives you lots of happy feelings then that is the best thing ever! 🥰

And really when you think of it, tarot may seem like "external" source, but where do you get all of the answers from when you pull a card? Yourself! You go within your mind and your own experience and intuition and you give yourself and others wonderful answers through the cards. In this way, tarot is actually a great way for us to externalize what we already know internally. It's kinda like when you feel sad or angry so you choose to journal all of the feelings out; as soon as you get it out, you get answers to your questions and you feel relief for having externalized it all.

Finally, the way that I learned tarot is to use it to tell a story; who are the characters? How does their story progress in the pictures of the cards we pull? Self / I Am / God wanted to live an infinite number of lives to experience its wonderful limitlessness, just like how human beings want to create beautiful stories and art. Tarot helps us understand our own human story, and that is a lot of fun and a huge comfort, even when we already know the truth!

(Also keep in mind, not a lot of people know or believe in the Law, which makes reading tarot for others such a beautiful way to give them positive news and make them feel good about themselves! And what a beautiful and lovely thing that is ❤️)

Hopefully this answers your question anon, I really appreciate such a thoughtful question and I hope you continue to pursue whatever makes you happiest and always returning to your belief in the law! 🥰 Also, pleaseeeee DM me if you ever wanna talk more about tarot and the law!!! Hehe.

Finally: I truly encourage everyone to look at any spiritual belief that you have or that you used to have and turn it over in your minds until you get to the core truth. Learn new things, test them out, and expand your mind and your beliefs against the things that you already know! I'll make a post on this later, because it is a really beautiful thing to explore :) Big hugs! ❤️

[handsonurknees]

last kiss

din djarin x gn!reader

a/n: just a little preface, i am not a star wars expert i literally watched mando because of pedro and that’s it (don’t kill me) but sorry if anything is inaccurate! also thank you for all of the love on my first post!

(i did not proofread this so i’m sorry if there’s any mistakes)

warnings: mentions of graphic injuries, angst, hurt/no comfort because i’m evil, main character death (yikes)

wc: 1.8k

“let’s go!” you hear cara yell at you, her voice hoarse from shouting over shots and the fire burning just some feet away. your eyes flickered from her and your friends to the injured mandolorian sat against the flipped booth. when she realized what you were thinking, even more panic creeped into her face. “no, no. you can’t. he’ll be okay. we need to go!” she pleads, but your eyes never leave the beskar-clad man. you hear him grunt through the voice modulator and you flinch. you can’t leave him, he can’t die not knowing how you feel.

“she’s right. go, i’ll be alright.” he offers, unconvincingly. you feel tears well up behind your eyes, fighting them back before turning back to the group.

“go. you all go and both of us will catch up. IG, give me the bacta spray, i can do this. i used to be a trained medic.” cara sighs at your attempt at a deal, but clearly worried about running out of time, she turns to the droid beside her.

“do you think the two of them can make it out alive?” she questions.

“more likely than not.” is all the bot says in response. the droid removes a vile from its arm and tosses it to you. “though i should be the one staying, i’m sure she would stay as well anyways. i can confirm her medical history., he is in good hands.” sweat pours down your back due to the warmth of the fire as cara looks at you and the mandolorian, and she realizes deep down she won’t be able to change your mind. you almost think you see a glisten in her eye and a small smile directed at you, but that’s just before she turns around and crawls through the grate as fast as possible, the child in her arms. she won’t say goodbye because this isn’t goodbye. she’ll see the two of you again in only a matter of minutes. you quickly turn to mando, hovering with worry over him.

“i didn’t know you were a medic.” he drowsily says, the effects of his injuries settling in as you begin to move with more haste.

“yes mando. you forget i had a life before i met you.” you respond, swallowing quickly as you uncap the spray. he laughs, and you smile. it’s been a while since you’ve heard him laugh, and even longer since it’s been you who made him laugh. “stay with me, alright? talk to me.” you say like routine, all of your knowledge flooding back to you from when you first learned how to deal with a patient drifting in-and-out of consciousness.

“why did you stay? i told you to go.” he asks genuinely. “i was fine here, peaceful. i’ve always thought that if i were to die i would want to die a warrior’s death.” he continues, voice wavering occasionally. your heart lurches at the idea of him knowing the really reason why you stayed. once the mist is all set up, you look at him, searching for his eyes under his visor.

“you are not dying tonight, mando. that’s why i stayed” you respond, and while it’s not technically a lie, you still feel guilty. that’s when your breath suddenly stops, realizing what you have to do next.

“w-whats wrong?” he questions your hesitation. when you look down at the bacta spray and don’t meet his eyes again, the air shifts in a way that sends shivers down your spine, even while the sweltering heat just feet away from you tickles your face.

“i have to do it to save you.” you whisper, still looking at the spray. “you won’t live much longer if we don’t do it now.” your voice getting hung up on the last word. you both know this is the last chance. part of you screams internally, baffled by how he’s even considering the possibility of not getting the spray. that part burns with white, hot, boiling rage, wondering if you were just going to give up, why did i stay for you? you don’t even ask me to stay and i did. how can you make me watch you die? but before you are able to voice any of this aloud, a gloved hand meets yours and shakily leading you the side of his helmet. “are you sure?” you ask a final time. even though every bone in your body aches to rip that helmet off the second the metal touches your fingers.

“don’t make me s-second guess myself.” he answers dryly. you just nod and carefully remove the helmet with a gentle hiss. slowly revealing the features you’ve been trying to piece together in your brain for months. in the amber glow of the room, you wish to memorize his eyes and his nose and his lips and his cheeks. but instead of studying every ridge and line in his face like you’ve always dreamed of doing, you imagine his face as one you’ve seen one million times. you don’t even flinch when big brown eyes meet yours. as soon as the helmet is off, your hands work quickly. you quickly lift the spray to his head and administer it. a breath escapes you that you hadn’t even know you were holding in. he’s okay. he’s okay is all you can think, the feeling overwhelming you so much that you don’t hear the heavy footfalls behind you, or mando’s failed attempts to shove you out of the way and shouts of ‘get down!’

‘he’s okay’ is all you can think, even when you’re shot by a stormtrooper who wasn’t killed in the shootout. luckily, by you crouched in front of the mandolorian, you blocked him from the view of the trooper. mando instinctively grabbed his blaster and shot a perfect hit into the the gap of the trooper’s armor between his neck and his head. the trooper falls limply to the ground, but all you can focus on is the pain radiating from the new hole in your back. your ears ring and something in you calls out. something that made you suddenly understand what mando meant about being peaceful with dying a warrior’s death. in a strange moment, the two of you are transported back to only moments before, but this time, with the roles reversed.

“dank farrik!” he curses, searching your eyes, his eyebrows furrowed together tightly. your knees feel weak, giving out in your current squat above the armored man. you fall flush against his chest, eliciting a hoarse cough. your hands press firmly into his chest, pushing yourself up to look him in the eyes. in any other situation, your mind would be completely foggy due to the proximity between you two, but somehow what you want to say is completely clear. he swallows, holding a firm hand over your wound, frantically looking around the room, despite knowing it’s far too late.

“you know, this is not how i expected this to end.” you joke weakly, woozy from the pain. the mandolorian pants, his face drowning in concern at your state. you set a hand on his face, his scruff scratching your palm pleasantly. “it’s alright. this way-“ you wince “you won’t have broken your creed. no living thing will have seen you.” you chuckle, which turns into a cough, followed by the metallic taste of blood in your mouth. he just sits speechless, words failing him. there’s so much he wishes he could say, but shock keeps his mouth shut. you feel the familiar feeling of tears for the umpteenth time that day. your thumb grazes his cheekbone, and he just watches as you fight this losing battle. sadness swells in his heart, a hurt that hasn’t hit him in years. for a person, that is. “i love you.” and you’re unsure if it’s the adrenaline or if it’s your sort of last words, but he snaps back into reality and brings his focus back to you.

“what?” he attempts to confirm, even though he heard you the first time.

“please don’t. i just-“ your tears fall down your face numbly, in steady streams. “i just need you to know that i love you. before i die. i need you to know the real reason i couldn’t leave you behind.” your words stumble out of your mouth quickly, but you know if you don’t say them now, you’ll never have the chance to. his leather covered hands move to hold on to both sides of your face, and he starts to quietly laugh. “what?” you ask, confused.

“i cannot believe that you are telling me this now. this was not supposed to go this way. everything was supposed to be different-“ he continues to dryly laugh “you weren’t supposed to die before i could even-“ he’s cut off by the startling reminder that the room around you that was once just taken up by the warmth of fire feet and feet away from you, is now engulfed in flames. smoke finally begins to fill both of your lungs and the ashes make mando’s eyes water (or at least that’s what he tells himself it is.)

“go. go now. please go find them.” he feels a weight on his shoulders, pulling him into the ground beneath him, holding him in place. he can’t leave you. you stayed for him, he has to stay for you. but his eyes flicker to the grate and how the fire is getting increasingly close to blocking his path. he knows your right, he knows he should go. “it’s okay. it’s okay.” you assure him “just don’t forget me, okay?” and he has to stop himself from guffawing. how in the world could he forget about you? he just breathes shakily, grabbing his helmet.

“i have thought of you every second while we were together, and i will think about you every second we are apart.” he admits with a sort of finality that scorches you. this is the end. in a desperate burst of energy, you slam your lips into his, reveling in every last second. you want to die with his lips being the last thing you feel. not the pain of your wound, not the pain of him leaving, just him. he kisses you back clumsily, making it obvious to you that this is his first kiss. selfishly, you hold on for just a moment longer, then letting him go, letting your hand trace his face one for time before he gets up.

“and for what it’s worth, i love you too.” he says, turning away in a way that shatters your heart. still, even while the live of your life leaves you in the flames, even while your back lets out one final wave of pain, even while taking your last breath, all you can think is;

he’s okay.

[geddy-leesbian]

SERRENNEDY POKEMON CROSSOVER AU FOR SERRENNEDY WEEK!!

As you can see above, this is very angsty. Leon and Luis both have a lot of trauma and Baggage. Luis almost has a panic attack and does some trauma dumping.

While there's no explicit smut on screen, there's a moment that gets kinda steamy and a fade to black/implied sex scene.

(oh and personally I feel very awkward swapping things out with pokemon terminology, like using "Arceus" instead of "God" so there is normal swearing here)

“Dr. Serra Navarro?”

“Well, yes, that is me, but typically I prefer Professor Serra,” His eyes wander all over Leon. “Though for someone as pretty as you, I prefer just Luis. Is there something I can help you with?”

Leon was afraid that he was going to go all the way to Alola only to find out it was all a complete waste because Professor Serra actually was just a professor unfortunate enough to share a name with a Team Rocket scientist. But that outcome is already ruled out. Either this guy is the lead he's been seeking for years, or he's an innocent professor that Leon will ask out on a date.

Due to excitement over finally finding a new lead, this trip was hastily put together, and Leon didn't realize how young Dr. Serr– Luis was. Once he confirmed that Luis was from Johto, he didn't go any deeper. He did see a couple pictures, but didn't pay much attention, and assumed the youthfulness was because they were older pictures. His assumption was very wrong. Luis is about his age and way too good-looking. The length of his grayish pink hair is braided, and the loose bangs are fluffy. His tinted glasses are a little too big for his face, but in a cute way. He's taller than Leon. And his outfit is fucking stupid. Shirtless under a lab coat. So stupid. It's hot.

A date with him will make this trip more than worth it.

“I just have some questions for you.”

“About? Are you a parent, or..? I don't think I've seen you around before, but I don't usually get anyone else dropping in on me like this…”

Shit. Leon really should have thought of a cover story beforehand. But in addition to not thoroughly researching Luis enough, he was also too high on the excitement of finally finding something after years of searching to bother thinking through what he'd say.

“Just heard about you, found your past interesting. From Johto originally, was wondering how it affected you. If you had any run-ins with Team Rocket.”

And it looks like Leon will not be going on a date with a handsome professor tonight. This is the guy. He recovers quickly, but for a split second, the phrase ‘Team Rocket’ invokes some panic in his expression.

“No. I was fortunate enough to never have encountered them.”

“You know anything about Mew?”

“Yes, of course? What kind of a professor would I be if I didn't? Mythical pokemon from deep in jungles in South America. Believed to be the ancestor of all pokemon.”

“What about Mewtwo?”

“I've heard the rumors, yes. A clone of Mew that was heavily genetically modified. But I believe that those are just that, rumors. There is no real substance to the claims.”

“Cinnabar Island. That's where you worked when Team Rocket captured and imprisoned Mew. You cruelly experimented on Mew. You helped create Mewtwo.”

“Who in the hell do you think you are, showing up at my doorstep to accuse me of such insane things?!”

“International Police!” Luis starts to shut the door, but Leon blocks the door with his foot. While he wasn't wearing his full uniform, he did bring his badge and takes it out to flash to Luis. He sees some purple fur coming up behind Luis. Must be an espeon, coming to protect its trainer. “Put that in its pokeball and open the door. Now.”

“I will do no such thing! I'm not proud of what I did back then, but I've done my best to leave it all behind, build a new life for myself. I will not allow you, or anyone else, to rip all of that away from me.”

“Not proud of what you did back then? So you admit it?”

“It doesn't matter. Arrest me if you really want, but it won't be anything more than a waste of time for the both of us. I'll maybe spend a night or two in jail, then be let go without charges being filed because I have a good reputation here and you have no evidence. If you try to tell anyone I confessed to involvement with Team Rocket, they won't believe you. You'll ruin your own reputation.”

“I do have evidence! Documents connecting you to the Mew experiments and the creation of Mewtwo.”

Luis actually starts laughing.

“You don't know as much as you think you do then. You find my name on a scrap of paper in the crumbling ruins of a lab, and think you know my life story! So arrogant! Yes, I did work at the Cinnabar lab, but I did not contribute to the creation of Mewtwo. I did not experiment on Mew. I have never had the privilege to even see the legendary Mew in the flesh. Mewtwo had already been created and Mew had already escaped before I was even hired. I can prove that your supposed timeline of my work history is impossible in court, so good luck getting a conviction!”

Leon moves his foot and lets Luis shut the door, and slinks away from his house with his tail between his legs.

…

Leon checks into a motel. He turns the TV on, but he can't focus on it. His mind can't stop wandering back to the conversation, analyzing every word. He fucked up.

“I'm not proud of what I did back then.”

He really fucked up. That could have been a very good angle. Tell Luis that this is his chance to atone and right his wrongs by telling Leon everything he knows about Team Rocket. Maybe even offer some kind of immunity deal if he still seemed hesitant.

But he had to get hot headed and fuck it all up. His first lead in years, and he blew it.

Not ready to admit defeat quite yet, he decides to give himself a day to cool his head off, before trying again. At least Alola offers plenty of distractions. He's not one for most of the tourist trap shit, but distracts himself with hikes through some scenic, and more importantly, rugged terrains. Pushing his body always helps him get his mind together. It's isolated enough that he can let all of his pokemon out too.

Something else Alola offers is a brutal sun. Leon didn't think to buy any sunscreen, and has a bad burn across his face by the end of the day. He's been through far worse, the pain is nothing to him, but he is annoyed at himself for being so stupid. His pokemon were quite happy with the exercise and exploration though, and his head feels clearer, so overall it was a pretty successful day.

…

A knock at Luis's door again. Rattled by yesterday, the knocking gives him a spike of anxiety. Still, he gets up to answer it, in case it's a student or parent that needs something.

He looks through the peephole and sees the same pretty International Police agent that came by yesterday. Luis really doesn't want to open the door. But he's worried it'll be worse if he doesn't and the man busts the door down. Besides, Espeon seems at ease with the situation, not alarmed and protective like she was yesterday. So he opens the door a bit, keeping the chain lock secure in case he tries to get in. (He would certainly be able to break the chain, but at least it would buy Luis a few extra seconds to try to think of a desperate plan.)

“Hello, officer! What are you here to threaten me with today?” Not wanting the agent to know how shaken he is, he turns up the sarcasm in an attempt to mask any nervousness. “Going to accuse me of experimenting on Arceus?

“No. No accusations today. Sorry, about yesterday. Wasn't polite to you. Can I try to make up for it, buy you dinner?”

“You can't seriously believe I'm going to just walk right into whatever kind of trap this is?”

“It's not a trap. Just feel bad about yesterday, I swear. I'm Leon, by the way. Think I forgot to mention it before.”

Luis goes to shut the door, but Espeon seems determined that Leon should be heard out, and telekinetically lifts the chain and nudges the door open. Leon smiles, and it cuts right through Luis's fear.

“I don't like you, and I don't trust you. But…” The prettiest man that Luis has ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on is trying to buy him dinner. (The angry red sunburn on his face does make him the tiniest bit less pretty, but he's still incredibly pretty.) Whether it's a date or something else, turning him down goes against everything Luis believes in. “I suppose I'm willing to put that aside for a free meal.”

“Look, you have every right to feel that way. But I really regret yesterday, I swear. It's just this subject… My parents were Team Rocket. Died on a mission,” Leon hates talking about this. With anyone. Back in his pokemon trainer days, before deciding to join the International Police, he'd had some time in the limelight. First as a rising star gym challenger, then as a champion. He always sidestepped questions when interviewers started asking about family. He especially hates talking about it to a member of Team Rocket. But this is the price he pays for fucking up yesterday. If he wants Luis to trust him and give him what he came for, he needs to give something himself. “Never knew details until I started investigating some stuff related to Team Rocket, found out they died on one of the expeditions looking for Mew. So this whole topic just gets me hot headed and dumb and I say things I don't mean and regret.”

“Well, it sounds like you shouldn't be an International Police agent then, if you can't separate your own personal issues from the job.”

“Yeah, maybe I shouldn't be…” Leon says, because what else is there to say? Luis isn't wrong. “C'mon, dinner. Walked past a restaurant on the way here, you know if it's any good?”

“Yes, we can eat there. By the way, are you aware that your face is extremely sunburned? I have stuff I could put on to help it.”

“Food first. Maybe after.”

“Suit yourself. I'm going to change, I'll be out in a minute.”

Luis ditches the lab coat and comes out with a top on, something that disappoints Leon more than it should. At least it's just a vest that shows off a decent amount of his chest. His hair is down today, and it somehow makes him look even better.

Leon regretted the way he approached Luis yesterday, but initially it wasn't because of guilt. Even if it wasn't Mewtwo, there was something Luis was involved in. He only denied experimenting on Mew and creating Mewtwo, he admitted he was a member of Team Rocket. Luis deserved the harsh treatment, he had only regretted it because Luis could be useful to him. But he does feel a small twinge of guilt for demanding he put his espeon in its pokeball when it follows Luis out the door and he sees that it has a service pokemon vest on. Maybe Luis would have felt safe and opened the door if he could keep Espeon out.

“I can walk there fine,” Luis says, noticing Leon looking at the harness. “I have an injury from a long time ago that flares up from time to time, but Espeon can sense when I'm going to have problems with it, gives me warning, and helps me not fall on my face when it does act up and I struggle keeping my balance. But it is fine most days.”

They sit across from each other, Espeon laying under the table by Luis's feet. Leon has to keep reminding himself that this is not a date. This is an attempt to get Luis to move past yesterday's harsh treatment so Leon can have a second chance at interrogating him. Despite his attempts to not ogle Luis, Leon can't help himself, and notices something very interesting. Scars. The biggest one is on his chest, and another on his cheek.

Being in a public place seems to put Luis at ease. Somewhat, he's at least smiling and looking more relaxed. As it probably should. Leon is dying to grill Luis about the “injury from a long time ago” and the scars he's noticed since sitting down. But this isn't the time or place.

“So… Small talk time?” God. This is actually a fucking date. “How long you been a cop? And why are you still poking around with Team Rocket? They're not a problem anymore. Disbanded twice, no activity in years. One would think the International Police might have some, ah, you know, actual problems to deal with, eh?”

“Been one for a few years. There's not a lot of resources being used up for it anymore, but it still matters to me personally,” There's actually no resources spent on it. Leon isn't here on official International Police business. The Team Rocket hunt is just vigilante shit Leon does on his own time. “Just because they've stopped doesn't mean they shouldn't be brought to justice for the past. Their leader slipped away, it just doesn't sit right with me. I'm trying to nail as many members who slipped away as possible,” Luis's smile disappears. “As far as justice goes, I'm mostly concerned about the big fish. Leader, executives. Finding small fish is just a good way to get leads on the big ones.”

“So if I understand, you help the small fish, they help you? They tell you everything they know about the big fish, and in exchange you don't come down hard on them?” Leon smiles and nods. It'll probably take longer than it should have because he'll need to build some trust after freaking the fuck out their first conversation, but Luis will play the game and give him what he came for. Luis's smile comes back. “Well, interesting… How have your investigations been going?”

“I've made some good leads,” That's a complete lie. Finding Luis's name in the ruins of Cinnabar Island is literally the only lead he's had in years. But telling Luis that will make him feel empowered. “William's out there somewhere, just a matter of time until I find him. Or until he gets tired of licking his wounds in secret and re-emerges on his own, something I'm hoping to at least make harder for him by picking off people he'll need to organize.”

…

“Do you want to come in?” Is Luis trying to have sex with him right now? They did just go on a date, after all. Why doesn't Leon want to say no? “So I can help you with your sunburn.”

Shit. Leon needs to get his mind out of the gutter.

Leon sits on Luis's couch, and Luis drags a stool over by the couch to sit on while he gently rubs ointment across his face with his (gloved) hands. Their faces are so close together. Leon has to stop looking at his face, because he wants to lean forward and kiss Luis. So he looks down. At Luis's neck. A fatal mistake. Before his brain can even process what his body's doing, he's pulling Luis forward, off the stool and onto Leon's knee. His teeth are sinking into Luis's neck.

As soon as he realizes what he's done, he hopes that Luis is going to ask him what the hell he's doing and get up off of him, because he's not sure he'll be able to control himself if Luis is into this too.

Of course Leon isn't that lucky. Luis moans at the first bite. He moans again and grinds down on Leon's knee with the second bite. The third bite has him yanking off the ointment covered rubber gloves and just tossing them on the floor, so he can start exploring Leon's body with his hands.

“I wish I could make some quip about buying me dinner first, but you quite literally did just buy me dinner, so… And really, I would be happy with this even if you hadn't,” Leon just keeps biting as Luis rambles. Now there's a hand in his hair, that clenches around or tugs at it with every bite. There's another hand working the button on his vest, and Leon is quite impressed by his finesse. With one hand and without even looking, Luis quickly has all of them unbuttoned. Though it doesn't get him to the bareskin he's desperately trying to get to, Leon also has a button down undershirt on. Luis doesn't bother unbuttoning all of them, just a couple so he can reach the bareskin of Leon's chest. “Someone as pretty as you doesn't need to buy me dinner, they can just do whatever they'd like to me. You're a cop, you have handcuffs? I'm into that.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Leon pushes him off his lap and gets up, then picks Luis up bridal style. Partially because he wants to give Luis a subtle reminder that he isn't just some small-time cop. He is, in fact, a very well trained special agent in peak physical condition. But mostly because there's a very specific place he wants to carry Luis to. He wasn't lying about someone like Leon being able to do whatever; he readily accepts being picked up, wrapping his arms around Leon's neck. “Where's your bedroom?”

…

“I didn't know I was working for Team Rocket initially. They had things very well compartmentalized. I was hired by a shell company. They had a contract with Devon Corp, so it really seemed like a completely legitimate company.”

In the afterglow, Luis finally starts speaking about his past. Leon briefly wonders if this makes him a whore. He isn't getting money for having sex with Luis, but he is getting information. Something even more valuable to him. The entire reason he's here.

But intent matters, right? Leon didn't start biting his neck because he wanted information. He didn't suck his dick because he wanted information. He didn't put him in handcuffs and sit on his face because he wanted information. He did all of it just because he wanted to. Just because Luis is hot enough that Leon temporarily forgot that he hated him. He was fully prepared to just go back to his motel room after, without any additional info from Luis, and just keep building the trust. So while he's not a whore, he definitely is a slut. Whatever. He's making more progress in his investigation than he has in years, it's fine.

“I was in a research team focused on mega evolution, specifically artificial mega evolution,” Luis continues. “Devon had recently perfected an artificial pokemon line, Beldum. They wanted us to find a way to make Metagross mega evolve. It was no easy task… But we did it. We tinkered around, created an artificial mega stone that metagross would respond to. We researched further, tweaking things to modify metagross's mega form, until we felt it was powerful enough. I was informed that Devon was extremely pleased with the work, and given a promotion, to be the head researcher on a new project my company started…”

“Guessing that's when you started at the Cinnabar lab?”

Luis says nothing, just stares down blankly, frozen. Leon reaches for a pokeball on the nightstand, and lets his sylveon out. It knows exactly what to do, approaching Luis to wrap its ribbon feelers around his arm. Leon hadn't ever wanted a sylveon. He had wanted his eevee to evolve into an espeon, actually. He thought the psychic abilities would be useful in his line of work. But it evolving into a sylveon instead has been a happy accident. Its calming abilities can be surprisingly useful.

“Yes, it was,” Luis answers. He's still wincing at the memories, but Sylveon's soothing aura is preventing him from having a full-blown panic attack and shutting down. “All I was told beforehand was that it was another project related to artificial mega stones. This was when the Alola research about mega evolution being cruel on the pokemon was starting to come out, so in my naivete I assumed we'd be modifying natural mega stones in ways that would make it easier on the pokemon. I knew something was deeply wrong when I was led downstairs. Armed guards. There was a whole maze of hallways and locked gates. As I said yesterday, Mewtwo was already created by this point. It had also escaped once and only narrowly recaptured, so there was much stronger security. I was never alone, there were always at least two armed guards with me at all times. It wasn't just to keep Mewtwo from getting out, it was also to keep me in. I knew it was wrong, it made my stomach churn, but I did the work. I did what was asked of me. We made two artificial mega stones tailored to Mewtwo. Two different stones, two different forms with different strengths.”

Despite Sylveon's feelers, and now Espeon's face rubbing against his other arm, Luis breaks down sobbing.

“You're okay. You're safe,” Leon whispers. Sylveon moves away from Luis's lap, laying down at the end of the bed, so that Leon can wrap his arms around him. As helpful as soothing pokemon like Sylveon can be, sometimes people just need human touch. Leon wants to press for more information right away, but he's not going to repeat yesterday's mistake. He has to go slow, he can't risk pushing Luis away and making him shut down before he's gotten all the information he can out of him. “You don't have to tell me the rest right now. Take all the time you need, okay, sweetheart?”

Jesus Christ. He just had sex with a member of Team Rocket, and now he's calling him sweetheart. At least he's making progress.

Luis just clings to Leon and sobs for a few minutes, before finally speaking again.

“I didn't want to, Leon. I didn't want to. I didn't have a choice. They were forcing me to, they would hurt me if I didn't, and I couldn't get help. Not from gym leaders. Everyone knows that William was the Viridian gym leader, but it went so much deeper than anyone knew. The lab was right by the Cinnabar gym, Wesker was the gym leader and heavily involved in all of the Team Rocket science research. Alexia, Saffron's leader at the time, was quite involved too and came to the lab regularly. The ones who weren't involved were getting paid off to look the other way. The police were paid off too,” Leon entwines one of his hands with Luis's and squeezes it, presses chaste kisses onto his neck, trying to encourage him to keep talking. This is a goldmine. He's long suspected there was a lot of corruption in Kanto and some intentional incompetence during the initial Team Rocket investigations, but could never get anything solid. And the fact that there were other gym leaders directly involved is actually news to him. “It was so screwed up what we were doing, I lost sleep over it, I barely ate because I had no appetite. Until one day…”

A loud, choked sob.

“Mewtwo got out again. All the new precautions weren't enough. It attacked all of us, we deserved it… It was a lab, there were scalpels, lots of glass to break, so many sharp objects that it lifted with its mind to hurl at us. That's how I got all my scars. The worst wound was in my back. It almost killed me, if it had pushed the bone saw in even just a little bit deeper, I would have died. I only survived because… It wasn't luck, it didn't make a mistake, it chose not to wound me fatally, because… Because I think it got in my head, it didn't say anything but it made eye contact with me, and saw that I wasn't a willing participant in its torture. The room after, blood… So much… I was the only one spared, it killed all the others.”

Luis untangles himself from Leon and lays down, closing his eyes. Seems like that's all the information he's getting tonight. Which he isn't upset about, it's a lot, far more than he was expecting. He'd like to know more about Mewtwo, where it ended up after this, and of course he needs more details about Wesker and Alexia.

“Stay?” Luis asks quietly, when Leon starts getting dressed. “Please?”

“Yeah,” Leon does still reach for his pants, but doesn't put them on, just fishes out his notepad so he can write everything down while it's still fresh. “Okay, I'll stay.”

It's dangerous. Leon is so close to liking this guy. Something he needs to not do, because Luis very much has the potential to be dangerous. The main reason Leon had been so hot headed and harsh to him initially is because he thought he got away with everything. He thought that Luis was a monster, and, instead of paying for his crimes, just walked away completely unscathed. Just moved to a new region, was completely accepted, became a pokemon professor, a pillar of the community. A role model.

But that's been shattered. While it may not have been in the traditional route, Luis has paid for his crimes. Is paying for them. Leon is cynical enough that he might have believed everything was just bullshit to manipulate him under other circumstances, but there's enough that it's undeniable. There's more than just faded scars that could have been the result of anything, he has an actual service pokemon. Years later, his injuries are still problematic enough for him to need that assistance. And clearly, he is genuinely traumatized. No one is that good at acting, Team Rocket is truly a trigger for him.

The issue is that Leon doesn't know why it's a trigger. Even injured and traumatized, Luis could be dangerous. The best case scenario is that he's been completely with Leon, and truly hates what he did. The worst case scenario is that he doesn't feel any guilt for his actions, and his near death experience was the only source of the trauma, without any emotional side to it.. Even injured and traumatized, Luis has the potential to be very dangerous.

“Hey, Luis?” Leon whispers after he's done jotting down notes about what Luis said, hoping he's not already asleep. His eyes flutter open. “Is it fine if I let my growlithe out? Usually sleep with it.”

“Go ahead. Just don't leave me. I don't want to wake up alone.”

He should leave. Luis is dangerous. Luis is Team Rocket. And Leon might already be a little bit in love with him, and needs to get the fuck away from him before he falls in even deeper.

But he doesn't. Instead he lets Growlithe out, turns off the lamp on the nightstand, and spoons Luis. He falls asleep with his arms wrapped around him, face buried in his fluffy hair. Espeon sleeps on the floor in its own little bed, while Growlithe and Sylveon lay down by their feet.

[slowdrippingnoise]

I cannot stop thinking about Fords dream. Plan sexual? Is this aroace confirmation??

"Attracted to planning" my ass. What happened to attracted to strange and the strange was always attracted to him?? You are a weirdo, except it

I an aroace and i was concerned that Ford will be straight in TBOB but now i am just confused???

I see you want to scream about the book of bill. Please scream at me i need someone else in this madness

OK!!!! so this is an extremely interesting question, and my perception of it is very heavily influenced by this interview being fresh in my mind (you've probably already read/watched but if not go do that it's great) towards the end you can find alex answering a question about ford being interpreted as queer- and basically talking about how ford is written as extremely romantically/interpersonally repressed in general- I won't try to summarize it i genuinely recommend just going and reading that, he describes it all better than I could (and again maybe you already have idk)

I feel like the tbob dream note could be taken a number of ways (and, while I wouldn't actually ask it cause i feel like leaving it up to imagination is actually more interesting in a creative engagement kind of way, i'm desperate to know what hypothetical answers are hiding behind that "usually" oh ford) but the thing that sticks out to me is. i mean it's very difficult to read it as straight isn't it. ford has recurring dreams about being quizzed on "what he's attracted to" and consistently dodges the question (doesn't even give a straightforward answer like "nothing", he misdirects back onto his logical smartguy persona) it's definitely a nod to fans too, sure, but in-character it's no-way-out firmly establishing that his sexuality specifically is on the Grand List of Stanford Pines Insecurities. we definitely got a nod to this way back in j3 of course- the ford&fidds campout conversation- but this i think this new tidbit betrays a much more internal fixation/anxiety than "it's confusing to me and I don't really want to think about it for more that a minute at a time" (<-the vibe his j3 stuff had more of to me) TL;DR whatever he is, i do not think you can call this man canonically straight at all lmao. W

(ok i'm losing track of my own thoughts a bit here. i should've outlined this like an essay lmao. back on track-)

In terms of what I personally believe/headcanon? honestly i'm in a funny in-between place right now- if you asked me last week i'd just say "he's gay probably" but this has me Thinking now in a more "ok, what cooperates best with canon and how I personally view him" way and the "ford aroace" people are making some interesting points. my most recent idea of him that i've been rolling around in my mindscape like a shiny rock goes basically like this:

(putting this under a cut)(also this goes wildly off-topic for a while because i love talking about ford. i promise it is tangentially related and relevant to my argument)

ford is repressed in how he deals with people because people are confusing and often scary (history of bullying and ostracization, we all hc him as some kind of autistic, etc.), and this extends to how he views romance/sex- if you don't see yourself as safe/belonging among other humans it can be extremely difficult to imagine yourself in such intimate dynamics with them (accepted, loved) and ford is very well established to close himself off to keep himself safe. the prospect of "romance" is by default more unsettling than it could ever really be comforting to him (within his ability to imagine it, at least) outside of the rarer "what if i was just normal and nobody bothered me for existing" fantasy, which is its own can of worms,,

another part of this is my (more arbitrary/i know because im right forever/because i lived it) hc that the elder pines twins' parents didn't really love each other by the time they were raising stan and ford, it was more of a "we both pay the rent/keep the family going, we may not strictly like each other and yeah there's a screaming fight or two every few years, but divorce is off the table because it would leave us both financially up the creek, so you do what you gotta do" situation. which has the potential to do. things. to how you think about Traditional Ideas of Couples and Suchlike. take my word for it.

another important part, though i find myself getting technically off-topic for a ways here, my apologies- i've been thinking about ford's Patterns with his attachments, in that he generally has one Main Person to focus on and trust at a time, and for a most of his life these attachments end Badly- throughout his entire adolescence he has stanley as that person, they exist in constant contrast to each other, their own self-perceptions are defined by their existence as a duo, covering for each other's weaknesses (to the extent that they can ignore traits in themselves that "double up", so to speak- stanley is the dumb muscle and ford is the booksmart genius with potential- no way out of that)(their dad affects this too)(oof) he and stan have a really awful falling-out that leaves ford with the belief that his One Person was willing to sabotage his future, completely disregarding ford's own feelings or sense of security and agency, just to get his way. (strike 1.5? against ford's ability to trust people) --- in college he attached to his roommate, fiddleford- and they genuinely get along and compliment each other really well! they're besties for life! yippee! so ford has a Person again, to exist next to, to prop himself up. but their lives go in different directions- they both move on with their studies/careers, and ford winds up in gravity falls, alone, where he has trouble again interacting with the locals and spends all his time wandering the woods, with endless hours for introspection. --- enter- Bill! :) bill becomes ford's 3rd Person, and he flatters ford and manipulates him and validates him and offers him everything he could ever shallowly imagine would solve all his problems and patch up the gaping hole in his self-worth forever definitely (while reminding him of what he remembers/imagines of his brother most likely, ow) bill is also more "safe" than other people, he's an anomaly, a supernatural phenomenon, even, and he lives exclusively inside ford's head. he's a perfect, safe, obsession target. (billford situationship essay for another day)

until he's not, of course.

until his college bestie Person is back too, and he's more Real than bill in a way that's very comforting, but fidds is another strong influence, one for the better, and bill can't have that around, he has to go. after that his relationship with bill also turns sour extremely quickly in a terrifying way, which leaves ford shaken and unmoored and desperate, which leaves... stan.

which also falls apart. (strikes 2, 3 and 1.5-the-sequal in rapid succession)

the 30 years spent multiverse-hopping are interesting to me too in how they affected ford- i think being around so much "abnormality"/being disconnected from his own world's ideas of normal did a lot to mellow him out- but he still couldn't really stick around anywhere to form deeper bonds with anybody, he's a wanderer until bill is dead, which may well end up killing ford in the process, so...

then! he's back home! which is bad! (from his perspective) but gives him the opportunity to try to Attach to a 4th Person- dipper! this was a secret essay on why i think he's Like That about dipper all along not about romance at all haha trick'd'ya! (i'm joking)

anyway you get the idea- fortunately he has a slightly wider support net by the end of the show between stan, fiddleford, and the kids- but to me it's relevant in that ford has a very limited network of people who he is close to at all, considering that his view on romantic relationships seems to orbit around "don't wanna think about that/that's scary, I don't know/etc.", and that for a long time the relationships(platonic or otherwise) that he did have were defined by their ending in trauma, guilt, and shame. it makes sense to me for him to not really be able to figure himself out, how do you dissect all the layers of the bonds you do manage to form, tease out one strong emotion from another, especially when you're always afraid of ruining something because this is all you have?

I guess, given all that rambling, to me he lands within some combination of demi-aroace(attraction of any kind is rare and difficult to distinguish from other emotions, needs a strong base first) and too repressed and deeply, deeply traumatized to really say what comes naturally and what's his brain trying to protect him from being hurt. he knows that something is, by the standards of humanity, "wrong" with him, but it's just another note on a long list of "reasons normal people don't like him". and he's gay.

-----

ok i probably forgot some stuff but i think thats my thoughts on that lmao. anyway BOOK OF BILL this makes me. so crazy. hasnt left my brain for days. i will never be the same i called these shots i CALLED them. but i couldn't imagine. anyway-

while i'm still talking about ford, i love that this book let him be more emotionally vulnerable than j3 did, i feel like there was a harsher impression of ford among fans for a long time (at least, with people who weren't already Obsessed with him) because he has limited time in the actual show for his character to be established, and a lot of j3 either had him on the defensive, or still stuck in "everything ever is my fault" mode. getting a better view both of how bill manipulated him, and how he's still affected by it "postcanon" puts him way more in line with. how i've seen him all along basically!! augh. he's lonely and insecure and afraid and wants so, so badly to connect to people,, "the ego of a king. the insecurity of a circus freak." compare to "my immense self hatred vs my delusional god complex" we were so right.

his last section of the book is. so so perfect i'm so glad we have that- it wraps up what felt like a loose end with other pieces of canon leaving him on "i'm the biggest idiot in the world" which felt. bad. all things considered. but tbob lets him air out that soul-crushing shame in such a beautiful way- both in letting us the audience actually See how it was with him and bill before, and his family reassuring him that they love him and don't carry some massive sense of Blame for him being manipulated... it hurts good man. perfect place to end on. he's gonna be ok it'll be ok.

related- possession pages go crazy. like that is some "i've read fanfiction less fucked up than this" shit and I [the rest of this sentence redacted for my dignity] what was i saying. the dream scene was so viscerally upsetting. the "light switch". the stretching. (alex drop a link to your ao3 account. urgh) bill is so so so scary for that brief moment which is an amaaazing essential addition to the book that actually made me feel horrifically personally sorry for the little bastard for the first time maybe ever. i mean this so genuinely he's the worst he's been he's the saddest he's been it's a beautiful tapestry drawing me in. it's gonna occupy my brain for weeks. maybe months. he's desperate to hold on to ford he's desperate for his plans to work for once and he's pissed as hell but also now he has an excuse to cut loose- he doesn't have to hide his angry, shitty, abusive side from this little human that he's grown so attached to(who he sees himself in)- he can see ford and ford can see him (or, what he's willing to think of as "himself")(where did you all go-) and ford is just living a nightmare that he couldn't have possibly imagined. incredible

i'm practiced at being emo about ford i've been emo about ford since 2015 but the bill thing is new to me (not strictly the lore, i was around for the reddit AMAs/the axolotl poem, but the elaboration-) and it's killing me. he's so fucked. he's hopeless. he's fucked himself up so bad and refuses to get any better because just looking at it inside his head is too much. there's a loud buzzing in his ears and he blacks out for 30 seconds. everyone loved him he was the best baby ever. sixer, it would eat you alive. the doctor says three sips a day will make the visions go away. where did you all go. he's fine, he's fine, he's fine. it's all hitting me fresh like it's brand new, funy nightmare triangle abandonment issues go brrrr-

he wants ford to want him so bad he wants to not be alone so bad. hes awful he ruins every chance he gets and it's all genuinely his own fault. fuck (im not gonna talk about "pain is hilarious" im not gonna be cringe im not gonna do it) blacked-out list of exes love and fear are the same love cage you're my property if lost return to bill cipher covered in blood all alone in the universe-

I was gonna elaborate on those last scraps but. i am running out of brain. big week for ford enjoyers. big week for me being so so sad (/pos) ☀️