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matan4il · 2 years

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Kinnporsche 107 sex scene meta

Me: I am not going to fall down yet another hyperfixation rabbit hole, I am not.

My brain: Yes, but have you considered Kinnporsche’s bathroom sex scene at the end of ep 107?

(Below: going feral over why this is one of the best sex scenes ever)

This sex scene as a turning point

This scene tells a whole story, which is why it’s so emotionally evocative. It’s Kinn and Porsche’s turning point. Before it, they’ve done so many things together, they’ve felt attracted to the other man, they’ve felt anger, they’ve kissed, they’ve argued, they’ve fucked, and so often, they’ve pretended with each other. It isn’t easy for them to openly show what they feel and be vulnerable like that. Even after Kinn took a bullet for Porsche (!) at the end of 106, they still have moments when they pretend. Porsche tries to walk out of Kinn’s hospitalization room in the side story as if he didn’t nearly lose his damn mind at Khun making a joke about his brother’s condition, while Kinn in 107 tells Vegas he can do whatever he wants to with Porsche as if he won’t go apeshit crazy when he’ll think that’s happening... And this pretending takes place even after it’s already become so clear that they matter a lot to each other (for example, Porsche is staying as Kinn’s bodyguard despite them both knowing how much he hates certain inevitable parts of mafia life, and Kinn’s wishing for the first time in his life for the minor family’s success just so Porsche would return safely to him). They both have trust issues, and being that vulnerable with someone through honesty about their feelings and wants, it’s still just too damn much for them.

But not after this sex scene. They’ll still have their trials and issues, but this scene is what marks the end of them pretending to care less about each other than they do. Everything that will follow, even when there will be stuff that they keep from the other one, will still be so much more honest in terms of how they feel about each other and wanting to be together.

Which is why this scene is built as an emotional journey, signalling the change from the primal phase they were in during the first part of the season, to a new, deeper relationship in the second part. It’s why the scene starts with conflicted sex (which they’ve had before) and transitions into sweet, even joyful lovemaking (which they will have again afterwards). This scene encompasses a summary of their journey, while also being one of the most pivotal points in it. It is a mini reflection of the whole play. It’s brilliance.

That transition is why it has to start with anger, with a sense of betrayal (Kinn’s when he sees Porsche with Vegas, Porsche’s when he realizes Kinn blames him for Vegas’ unwanted advances), then passes through regret to reach the point where they both choose each other, not because they’re unaware of their points of conflict, but with a new understanding that they care enough about each other to be able to surpass them.

Defiant anger is built into what allowed them to happen in the first place. A part of why Kinn falls for Porsche to begin with is the fact that this man does NOT accept any of Kinn’s bullshit. We see it in 101 already. Porsche has the audacity to insist on getting paid for his help to the point of deciding he’s taking Kinn’s watch, the one right next to Kinn’s infamous mafia family ring (we have a clear shot of both in the same frame), and even as Kinn shows interest, Porsche doesn’t want to give him a phone number, and barely even gives him a first name (which Kinn will quickly discover is not the real one anyway). To truly emphasize how completely out of the ordinary this experience is for Kinn, right after Porsche rides away, we see a car pulling up next to Kinn and a stream of bodyguards pours out of it and bows in perfect sync to our mafia prince. This serves to highlight right away just how unique Porsche is and why Kinn HAS to take note of him.

So it’s no wonder that Porsche’s first time confessing his love to Kinn plays out along these lines. It’s not a sweet and docile confession. It’s a storm powered by Porsche’s anger. Which may not sound very romantic, except consider Kinn for a second. At the point where Porsche first meets him, he trusts no one. He’s guarded and closed, and surrounded by people who bow to his every wish. And he’s been deeply wounded by a man he did have feelings for. IDK if he was in love with Tawan, but Kinn felt enough for him that even after Tawan’s betrayal, Kinn kept Tawan’s picture in his bedroom. We only get a small glimpse at what Kinn and Tawan’s relationship was like, whether it was fake from the start or if at first Tawan did feel something for Kinn, but the lying and manipulating had to have started back then, and in the present we see Tawan doing that by being extra available and seemingly very sweet and docile for Kinn. It must have been a very convincing act at the time, yet Kinn managed to realize that it was a lie, that while Tawan claimed to love him, his ex never did.

So imagine how meaningful it was to Kinn that Porsche is nothing like Tawan. That he doesn’t try to appease and be subservient. That he stands up to Kinn, and gets angry, and shouts, and pushes Kinn away. The manipulative Tawan probably never did any of those things, he surely didn’t want to risk what he had with Kinn. Which is why it matters so much that Porsche’s first love confession is so angry and ready to call it quits. Because the tragedy of what Tawan did is that Kinn has trouble believing in soft love confessions. But Porsche getting angry, Porsche calling Kinn shitty in the very same sentence in which he admits his love? That’s honest. That Kinn can believe. And all of the softness we’re going to see between them after 107 is made possible because of that very HONEST anger. In that moment, Kinn can feel that Porsche is telling him the truth, which is why Kinn himself can apologize, because he really does grasp in that moment that he was wrong, that Porsche wouldn’t play with and manipulate him the way Tawan did.

And the second Kinn realizes his mistake, he apologizes right away. I wanna point out how this also connects to 101. We don’t know why Porsche is so insistent on getting 50,000 baht from Kinn until later on, when we meet Uncle Thee and realize Porsche needs the money to cover up this man’s debts. Despite everything that Thee puts Porsche and Porchay through, he never truly apologizes, he never sees how deeply his actions hurt these two orphaned brothers, or feels any genuine remorse for that, never mind attempt to compensate the two for what they’d gone through because of him. Worse, at first he actually spins things around in such a way that Porsche actually ends up apologizing himself to Thee, even though Porsche did nothing wrong. He just wanted to see to his brother’s education, which is valid and right, and a much better use of the money than covering Thee’s debts. Even when he does eventually apologize, it’s clear that his apology is of the “I’m sorry I got caught, still need you to bail me out of this” variety.

So once again, just think about how different it is for Porsche, seeing Kinn realize that he had mistaken Porsche’s intents with Vegas, that he had spoken too harshly, and witnessing how Kinn actually cares enough that he's ready and willing to do whatever it takes to fix things. He sincerely apologizes and then proceeds to show Porsche that he knows he got it wrong, that unlike the hurtful things he said, he actually adores Porsche, and that Kinn will expresses that by physically worshipping him. By taking the time and making Porsche feel good and profoundly appreciated. There is no evasion of responsibility or manipulation on Kinn’s side. And for a man as proud and stubborn as him (characteristics Porsche is already aware of by 107), admitting he was wrong and apologizing is no small thing. Porsche must know this because at the end of the day, he chooses not to walk away from Kinn.

We all know he could. Sure, Kinn’s strong, can fight and has a gun, but we’ve seen Porsche able to fight off even people with guns who seem stronger than him. We’ve even seen him and Kinn face off in 101, and Porsche being completely undaunted by the gun Kinn was carrying, being ferocious enough that he managed to get himself out of there despite Kinn’s skills, his gun, or his bodyguards’ weapons all pointed at Porsche. So if he managed to get out of that one, he could def get out of that bathroom if he wanted to.

But he doesn’t get out. He doesn’t want to, because on some level, he can feel the change in Kinn, the realization he was wrong, the regret, the willingness to make it up to Porsche. It’s their turning point. And maybe my most fave part about an entire scene full of beauty and emotion perfectly captured, is the way Porsche physically turns around towards Kinn. It’s their turning point, literally.

This isn’t just some bathroom quickie. This is the beginning of Kinn and Porsche being on the same page, trusting each other, because they finally grasp that there is real love there. The foundation for everything we’re going to see them building together in the second half of the season.

At the end of the day, this trust is going to be so crucial for them. It’s what they both are missing at the start of the show. Kinn, as a mafia prince, trusts no one, especially not after Tawan’s betrayal. But Porsche is really suspicious of people as well. Like Kinn he has a small circle of people around him that he cares about and trusts, mostly family, but not a lot beyond that. When he meets women at Yuk’s bar, he’s not interested in anything other than sex. That requires too much of him, including trust. And when Kinn wants his phone number and his name, Porsche doesn’t trust him with either. As much as we can understand Kinn’s lack of trust in terms of the mafia world he was born into, Porsche has a somewhat similar experience in terms of the world being an untrustworthy place. He lost both his parents at a young age, the people who should be there to protect him most of all. And then he had one parental figure in his life, Thee. But that man kept amassing debts, which Porsche had to regularly pay off, risking him, his brother, Porchay’s education, their house... In 103, Porsche explicitly talks about the violence and brutality he has experienced at the hands of debt collectors, even Porchay was used to it enough that we saw him in 101 taking care of Thee’s bruises without batting an eye. Add to this that Porsche has also been involved in street fighting, a world in which we saw the “ring master” cheating Porsche out of some of the money he was owed. So trust is a crucial element that neither of them get to have beyond a very small circle of immediate family and a couple of lifelong friends.

That’s why the real test for their love is trust. Where love confessions and the realization those feelings are mutual, those are often the climax of a love story, for Kinnporsche that happens to a great degree in the 107 sex scene. Porsche admits to loving Kinn, while Kinn shows his love through his apology, and the sex being so consensual and equal-footed, that’s in a sense them coming together and realizing they’re on the same page. But that’s not enough, because the real question is, is what they feel for each other enough to build the trust they both lack and desperately need?

In the second half of the season, they’re going to come across two huge tests of trust. And not just any tests, these are going to be grounded in a shift in reality, the kind that makes people doubt themselves, let alone others.

Kinn’s test is gonna come first, when Tawan shows up, “back from the dead”. Just think about how mind boggling that had to be for Kinn. Porsche didn’t know Tawan, he wasn’t there when Tawan was shot, and he was so certain the guy was dead that he was convinced he was being haunted by his boyfriend’s dead ex. So just imagine how much Kinn’s sense of reality must have been challenged when he was there and convinced he killed Tawan himself... It’s not simple to still have faith in yourself or in your new boyfriend after being so deeply betrayed by your ex and when things you thought you knew for a fact get challenged. And yet, we’ll come to find out Kinn did, that he never lost his trust in Porsche, not even when it looked like he did. Kinn’s real challenge wasn’t in whether or not to believe Porsche over the “resurrected” Tawan. It was in trusting him enough to let him go when Porsche escaped imprisonment in 110.

Yes, we’ve seen Kinn letting Porsche go at the end of 106, which was an incredibly important step for him. But it’s one thing to do that when they never got to be together as a couple, when Kinn never got to experience how happy they could be sharing their lives, and when he thought he was letting Porsche go in favor of pursuing his dream of opening a bar on the beach, getting away from the darkness of the mafia world. It’s a different thing to know how happy they can both be if Porsche doesn’t go, and that if he does, they may never get that. Because by now, Porsche is tangled too deeply in the webs of this dark world, if he leaves, it’s not in order to pursue freedom and lifelong dreams. It’s to get away from Kinn. And all along, Kinn knows it can all be resolved so easily if Porsche just stays and hears the explanation regarding Tawan. But Kinn understands that if he insists, if when Porsche is asking for Kinn’s trust he won’t get it, it may be over in any case. Letting him go at this point must have been hard enough considering how at the end of 105 we saw Kinn still being that man who insists on getting everything and everyone he wants. He had to really struggle not to express himself in that way. So just imagine how hard it had to be, how much trust it actually took for Kinn to let Porsche go at that moment, especially when he probably knew Vegas, the man Kinn already suspected of being behind Tawan’s betrayal, was most likely the guy behind breaking Porsche out of that prison cell.

Then it’s Porsche’s turn to have his trust tested. And if Kinn experienced a revelation that would put a dent in his sense of reality, this is even more true for Porsche. His parents dying in an accident is one of the most forming experiences of his life, and then he first discovers that’s not how they were killed, then later he finds out his mom is still alive, though in a sense she’s still out of his reach. Everything he knew collapses. His own memories turn out to be untrustworthy. We see him physically experience discomfort as he struggles with that. Thee was supposedly his uncle, the man who raised him and Porchay since they were little and orphaned, but he turns out to be some stranger inserted into their lives, while a man Porsche thought was a stranger turns out to be his uncle through adoption. All of that together, it’s so destabilizing, but remember Porsche had trust issues to begin with. So to now find out all of this, to know he can’t even trust his own mind... How does one even handle something like that? It could make anyone fall apart. Yet, before the end of 114, we get the answer. Porsche isn’t okay, his trust in Korn has been shaken up seemingly for good, yet there he is, choosing to put his trust in Kinn. Eventually even pledging Porsche’s own life to him.

Kinn himself, in a sense, is tested during that final battle, too. He has been raised his whole life to believe that only those who are loyal to Korn can be trusted. Even after all of the lies and manipulations, Kinn is still extremely loyal to his father, we never even see him getting to express any upset over Korn faking his death and all the turmoil, death and destruction that brought about. Kinn's whole identity has always revolved around being his father’s son, to the degree that he still asks for Porsche to declare his loyalty to the main family, meaning to Korn, at the big battle. And he doesn’t get what he’s asking for. Porsche refuses to pledge his allegiance to this mafia family. Yet despite that, he states he is loyal to Kinn. And that is maybe the first thing Kinn has ever had that is truly his, not something he got thanks to being a mafia prince. Porsche’s love and trust is actually something Kinn has earned despite his family. That’s not something Kinn is supposed to want or accept. Yet Kinn trusts Porsche, so that Porsche is loyal to him, despite not being loyal to the family or Korn? That’s good enough. That’s another small trust test they pass.

I can’t say enough about how powerful I think that is, which is why I also believe no matter what’s gonna come their way if we ever see a season 2, Kinnporsche can overcome it. Korn is still a very dubious figure, these love birds are still deep within the brutal mafia world, so challenges are bound to rise sooner or later. But they love and trust each other, so I feel no doubt they will come out on the other side of such challenges stronger than ever.

Yeah, basically the epicness of Kinnporsche’s love story is their trust and the way it manages to hold on and help them win even in the face of a reality bent out of shape. No matter what, by the end of 114, they know they can trust each other. And the moment when we first really see them committing to this trust, when they’re in sync for the first time and choose this trust (choose to trust the other man’s love confession and apologetic expression of love) is during this brilliant sex scene. There’s a reason I’m never gonna be over that scene, and it’s not just how hot it is. Which, for the record, is VERY.

This sex scene as a dance

It’s not just the idea behind the scene that’s powerful, or the meaning of it, its power is also in the way it was filmed. It is a dance. We can feel its rhythm. Half a step forward, one step back, sideways glide, turn and coming back together for the big, climactic jump.

When Kinn barges in there and kicks Vegas out, you can see Porsche is happy about it. Not only did Kinn just stop Vegas from continuing with those unwanted sexual advances, he was also damn sexy while doing it. Porsche is smiling at Kinn (the same hooded smile he had when they were on the balcony earlier in the ep, flirtingly discussing using Kinn’s “other gun”).

You can tell that Kinn’s anger takes Porsche by surprise, see the joy draining out of him. In fact, this is so not what he expected that at first he doesn’t even know how to react to it, he just searches Kinn’s face for answers. Porsche knows he did nothing wrong, so how is he even in a situation to have to defend himself? It’s only when Kinn keeps pushing and even gives him a small slap that Porsche is moved into action. He gives Kinn a shove that mirrors the slap. It’s an expression of Porsche’s anger, but also puts them back on equal ground. He’s making it clear he will not be pushed around.

Porsche protests that he didn’t do anything, to which Kinn responds with a bitter, cynical smile, a physical sign of his hardship in believing this. And then trust comes up explicitly. That’s what was truly jarring for Porsche, not the slap, but realizing that Kinn still doesn’t trust him. “Shoot me already,” he says, because in this very ep he heard (from Vegas, who omitted Tawan’s betrayal) that Kinn’s paranoia led to him killing ex. That’s a freaking scary thought, to know the guy you’re into might kill you, because he’s done it before. But Porsche didn’t run away, instead he was still smiling when Kinn first leaned over him after getting Vegas out of that bathroom. He doesn’t run away now either. No, instead he challenges Kinn to shoot him. For a second, it’s as if he demands, “You will love me, and with that trust me for real, or I will die right here.”

But then he adds, “Just like how you shot your ex.” There. If the shove balanced off Kinn’s slap, it’s these words that balance his hurtful accusation. This is exactly when we see Kinn’s bitter smile slips off, just as Porsche’s genuine one disappeared earlier. These words hurt him so much, Kinn leans in closer, ready to hand out the real blow with deliberation. But it’s not a physical one, it’s the accusation that Porsche is sluttier than he thought.

And it lands. That was crossing the line. Which is ironic, because before Kinn came along, based on everything we see in 101 and hear Porsche tell Yuk in 108, Porsche was a bit of a slut (affectionate). He flirted with the women at the bar, if they were interested he slept with them right there at his work place, he never went on dates, we saw him going from zero to hot and heavy sex in no time, he showed no interest in seeing these women again, and had zero attachment to anyone. He was perfectly happy that way. Obviously, he had every right to be. But Kinn is clearly different for Porsche. Kinn was someone he was attracted to and grew emotionally attached to even before they first kissed. He felt enough that after they had sex, despite the murky circumstances, Porsche couldn’t get Kinn out of his head, he couldn’t sleep with someone else despite trying to, instead he kept flashing back to the way Kinn touched him, evidently wanting that over anything else he’s ever experienced with any of those other women. Kinn ruined Porsche by getting under his skin. Which is why this accusation is so deeply devastating. It completely erases Porsche’s love and how it affected him. If Kinn can’t see that, how can he possibly be convinced that he’s wrong?

So Porsche slaps Kinn, bigger this time, and angrily states he should have never loved such a shitty guy. This is his angry love confession and it comes from a wound, from a place of hopelessness. It’s so hurt and so raw, Kinn doesn’t doubt it. He can’t. But in that very moment, Porsche already turns to leave. He’s had it. This is their dance, perfect synched opposite movements. Porsche is ready to walk out precisely when Kinn realizes that he really does have this man’s love. That he can trust it. He’s ready to fight for it by making amends exactly when Porsche is ready to give up on it.

So Kinn has to stop him from leaving, but Porsche is in no place to hear him out. The result is they’re backed up against the wall. Kinn is so desperate to apologize and make things right. Porsche is physically surrounded by him. But something shifts in that moment. It doesn’t change completely, Porsche is still angry and hurt. But he’s also looking into Kinn’s eyes, and he sees there something that’s enough to stop from Porsche from fully trying to walk out. Like I mentioned, he could have fought Kinn, he could have gotten out of that bathroom. He chooses to let Kinn back him into the wall. Porsche is still upset, he turns his own back and raises his shoulders like another wall between them, but he’s not completely closed off. He doesn’t talk, but he’s there. He can hear whatever Kinn has to say.

What does he say? He just experienced sincere anger, indicating sincere love, and now he’s awash with sincere guilt. He’s searching for the right words, he’s straining, you can see it in the way the vein in his temple stands out, he’s hovering his lips, his breath, over Porsche’s skin. Then he finally settles for something that isn’t an explanation, and it isn’t some grand speech. It’s an honest apology. And he echoes it with every following adoring gesture ghosting over the nape of the man he loves.

And Porsche? He knows it doesn’t have to be some grand speech. He’s familiar with the actual rarity of an honest apology and a willingness to work to make things right. He lets Kinn kiss his nape. Just think about how vulnerable that area is. How sensitive. How many physical sensations can be evoked there. Porsche chooses to allow it. His head started out down, in a self-protective angle, but now it’s rising slightly. We still can’t quite see him, but the expression on his face is more visible than a moment ago.

All along, the camera dances with them too, moving from a greater focus on Kinn (he was the center of the frame in the moment when he backed Porsche into the wall), to both of them, to them with their reflections in the mirror, then backing away from the reflections to being once more just them.

This is so important. Reflections in art are where people meet themselves, where they can reflect back on who they are, what they want, where their true self or happiness lies and how they can get there. Kinn has to look all of his doubts and shed them for his apology to be real. Porsche has to make a decision on whether he can trust Kinn enough to forgive him. But while reflections are an opening for insight and self-inspection, they’re also dangerous in art. Those who look at their reflections and fail to find the right insight, to act on it, to find their way from that reflection to their true self, might get caught in the unreal reflection. The horror genre is especially notorious for this (mirrors, doppelgangers, etc). So it matters that the camera pans over to the mirror, to give them that ability to form their insights, but then withdraws from their reflections back to Kinn and Porsche. And when does the camera start its movement back? Precisely when Kinn says he’s sorry. Precisely when the camera’s angle does lower, catches a better glimpse of Porsche’s eyes. They’re being honest. They could make it.

It’s then that Porsche begins to turn towards Kinn. Hesitantly. But this is a part of their dance. Porsche turns as the camera moves back from the mirror, turns as Kinn moves with him and backs away a bit to give him space, turns as there’s now just enough space for the background light to flood in from behind, take up the space between them and break into a thin, faint rainbow at the edge.

They just look at each other. This is so fragile. Kinn is apologizing, Porsche is willing to give it a chance, but this is still so uncertain. They clearly have the power to hurt each other deeply. That’s a reason to walk away. But they have that power because they love each other so much. That’s a reason to stay. They look at one another, and they see all that. They have to decide whether they want this with all of the risks attached.

And Kinn does. He raises his hand to grasp the hair at the back of Porsche’s neck, like a signal of what he’s about to do. That’s time for Porsche to stop this if he doesn’t want it to happen. He doesn’t. Kinn’s got implicit permission, and he dives into it, into making things better by worshipping Porsche, by making him feel good. It’s still hesitant and cautious. He doesn’t dare kiss Porsche on the lips. He’s not worthy yet. He knows what that kind of kissing means, it’s why he avoided it with everyone else after Tawan. Everyone but Porsche. Yet now, Kinn is denying himself that, and instead he starts kissing Porsche everywhere else. Who doesn’t stop it. So Kinn keeps going, and going, and eventually he circles back, works his way up, physically, to kissing Porsche on the mouth. Once again, he’s allowed to. Porsche had closed his eyes when Kinn started kissing him, starting his surrender to how it made him feel. And now, he actively joins the kiss, opens his mouth for it. And Kinn practically devours Porsche at this point. This is where you can really feel the desperation he’s been reigning in since the second Porsche was ready to walk away from them.

But the kiss is stopped. Porsche pushes Kinn away, holds him by his neck at a small distance, and examines him. They’ve kissed and had sex and flirted in no uncertain terms before, but this will be the first time Porsche really chooses this. He looks at Kinn with the full understanding of what it means if he doesn’t stop them now. Kinn gives him a small nod, and Porsche’s hands are letting go of his throat, allowing the distance between them to dissipate, rising up to cup Kinn’s face, while his own go down to undo Porsche’s pants. It’s a dance. Synchronized timing, opposite motions, one final direction they’re both moving in. They’re finally moving with each other in perfect harmony.

Kinn pulls down Porsche’s pants like a revelatory act, feeling up his hips with so much reverie. The camera travels up and down their bodies to show us all that, in a similar manner to how Kinn’s hands were roaming over Porsche’s skin. There’s so much adoration in the gaze, as much as there is in the touch, and that’s amplified when the camera focuses back on their faces, intently focused on each other.

Kinn starts jerking Porsche off. They start moaning loudly, their bodies tense and stretch, and Porsche’s hand joins Kinn down there. The intensity on their faces makes way for something more. Porsche’s delight. He’s relishing this. This sex and this man that he chose. Their hands start stroking at exactly the same time, and Kinn grabs Porsche’s hair tightly while repeating his name. It’s the first time we see this mafia prince, whose lives and the lives of his men have always depended on him being fully in control, start to unravel. After Tawan, Kinn didn’t intend on ever loving again, and now he gets to, and this time, it’s the real thing, with someone who’s honest with him, and loves him right back. That’s so intense, no wonder he’s not quite in control.

Which is exactly when Porsche steps up, takes charge as they both start smiling at each other, basking in how good this is. Porsche even stops for a second, licks his hand, and brings it back down to bring them both to completion.

Because this is their dance: the sex in this scene, just like their relationship overall, starts out with Kinn being the active one, the initiator, the one in control, but soon Porsche joins him, at first with trepidation, but then with more and more enthusiasm, with more commitment and passion poured into it, eventually matching Kinn, and even taking control himself, bringing them back to an equal footing. The initial choice is Kinn’s and the final one is Porsche’s, just like in the show overall. It matters so much that the sex itself is implied to be an act of mutual masturbation, it’s maybe the most “egalitarian” of sex acts that two men can have.

And when it’s over, they don’t let go of each other. Skin against clothes, we see them holding on and kissing. Hugging, and burying their faces in the crook of each other’s neck. That must have been the first time they felt that this is truly theirs. That they can have this. A joy and togetherness and love and fulfilment neither one of them was even hoping for. This was the big jump, the real leap of faith, and they took it together, completely in sync. All of the trust we’ll see later that will get them through everything, that will get them to the moment where they have their symbolic “wedding,” letting us know their commitment to each other doesn’t fall short of any heteronormative marriage, we’d have none of that if it weren’t for this perfect moment.

Thank you so much to the wonderful @nattaphum for her permission to add the beauty of her gifs (which everyone should check out) to this post, and help put this meta together. Cris, you’re a gift to your fandom, so this is kind of a belated bday gift to you. Buon compleanno! xoxox

#kinnporsche #kinnporsche meta #kinn x porsche #kinn theerapanyakul #porsche pachara #porsche theerapanyakul #i am going to watch this casually my ass #or theirs #mileapo #because i have to salute mileapo for their extraordinary acting in this scene #and also i'm looking forward to the mileapo movie #mkp

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good-beanswrites · 6 months

Note

Any headcanons about Yuno, Muu, and Shidou being guilty in T1, for a total of 7 guilty prisoners? If it means anything, none of them have a higher guilty percent than Amane. (Yuno is 50.85%, Muu is 51.26%, Shidou is 50.96%, based on Pai's graph)

(I see what you're currently working on)

Haha, well I hoped you enjoyed a bit of comedy before I post some dramatic headcanons :3 Thank you for the request, this is a really interesting switch-up for the prison 👀👀👀 A majority guilty cast would carry a much darker tone, but allow for a few people to really shine.

Major guilty reactions:

Yuno: She’s just as bitter about her guilty verdict as she was in canon, becoming cold and isolated. She’s tired of people making judgements about things that are none of their business, and separates herself from everyone. There’s the subtle difference from canon because she actually agrees with this verdict, but still doesn’t think Es should be the one to give it out. Her video has more focus on Es/the audience, we see more people who may judge her (friends, family, etc). More stuffed animals, more crowds, all growing hostile. The video had more substantial hints towards her sadness at the way society looks down on people like her.

Muu: She becomes panicked and defensive with her judgment. She's flighty, startles easy, and lashes out in fear all the time. Now, she’s the one to consider ending everything – to her, the verdict essentially means “if it was really down to you or her, it shouldn’t have been her.” Her video really highlights that duality, turning both she and Rei into monsters battling for/with the hourglass. Her panicky attitude is reflected in it, feeling like everyone in the world must be out to get her now.

Shidou: He’s at peace with the verdict, and allows himself to fall into misery. He's thankful to be punished for all the guilt he’s been feeling. Kotoko’s attacks only plunge him deeper into despair. He feels helpless and once again can’t save people the way he wanted to. He’s disillusioned with his career and becomes pessimistic and bitter. He takes it out on Es, telling them there’s no way they can save anyone either. His video is full of unavoidable death in nature, like rotting food, changing seasons, and wilting flowers.

The attacks:

Since the guilty percentage order didn’t change, I’m going to say the attacks themselves happen exactly the same – it’s the aftermath that’s different. Whether it’s due to restraints or locked cells, Shidou isn’t able to offer aid. He has to sit back and talk the others through instruction: Haruka, Kazui, and Mikoto if he can get him to focus. They do their best, but they’ve never done anything like this before. Despite his calm attitude, Shidou isn’t good at explaining things he knows innately under pressure. Fuuta and Mahiru end up in a much worse state, since proper care was denied for so long. (I don’t think they’d kill anyone t2, but if they were willing to, she would have died here). Fuuta’s eye is gone for sure, and he has trouble getting around with his other injuries. Mahiru is barely scraping by, not allowed to leave her bed. Her video is glitchy and confusing due to the unhealed head injury and overall weakness.

Other character details:

Haruka grows even more confident than canon, seeing himself as Muu’s protector as well as the object of her affection. He helps her through her self-harming thoughts, feeling like a hero and a model son again. He threatens Es to vote her innocent, but with his newfound feeling of importance he threatens anothers’ safety, not his own (maybe Amane or Mahiru because they're smaller than him.)

Amane’s hatred for Shidou is actually dulled because he got a guilty verdict too. She believes he’s getting the punishment he deserves, and doesn't need to interfere. She's a little annoyed he's taking the punishment with open arms, though.

Fuuta’s line in Backdraft is just about Kotoko – “why is she innocent?” He feels less singled out among so many guilty prisoners, but he recognizes his parallels with her and it drives him crazy that they got different verdicts.

I won’t spoil anything for Kotoko’s stuff, but she’s a bit less harsh since she believes Es really is just like her, giving unattached, severe judgements.

Since he was able to help a lot in the attacks, both protecting Fuuta and offering care afterwards, Kazui really leans in the hero role. Whether he enjoyed being a cop before or not, he's consumed by that responsibility now. It gives him purpose and he really takes charge of everyone. He and Kotoko butt heads a lot now that he's speaking up more.

There are conflicted emotions between the innocent prisoners and patients – they know they’re not medically trained, but there’s still a bit of hostility that they didn’t do a good job. There’s a mix of feeling grateful for their aid and bitter it’s not perfect. The innocent ones get a confidence boost that they were able to be useful and protect others instead of hurt them, as well as get crushed by the guilty that they failed at offering great care.

I'll need more time to ruminate on it, but I wonder if given enough time, would the guilty prisoners band together and attack Kotoko back? It was hard for the canon four, but now they have the numbers...

#milgram #haruka sakurai #yuno kashiki #fuuta kajiyama #muu kusunoki #shidou kirisaki #mahiru shiina #kazui mukuhara #amane momose #kotoko yuzuhira #not tagging mikoto because i dont say much about him #sorry these hcs feel a bit scattered but i just wanted to put down the major things that caught my attention #it was fun picturing slightly altered t2 mvs!#i think that since so few innocent verdicts were given out it would make them feel even better about receiving one #so haruka and kazui would get even more of a confidence/ego boost #i dont think kazui would let the power get to his head but he does become a strong leader #and kotoko would be even more set in her ways while simultaneously being more patient and kind to es #i dont know if the seven Would join forces #its all kinda designed to keep them isolated - and yuno doesnt seem the type to get involved #muu is too much of a mess - so is mahiru - and shidous given up on everything #amane would be the one trying to get everyone to work together and i dont know if anyone would listen to a kid #much to think about....#anyway thank you for the request!! this was really fun to think about !#i call this the 'pretty much everyone gets worse' au asdfdsf #headcanon time milgram

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atom-writings · 1 year

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(Hetalia Main 8 x Reader) S/O with Toxic / Abusive Parents

(Gender Neutral) Headcanons ~ A/N whoopsies this one took a while ./ uuhhhh. Anon i hope everything is ok ):

Trigger Warning: (Obviously) terrible parents, mentions of abuse

From the start, Alfred did NOT trust nor like your parents. You don’t have to convince him! The type of person who ever thinks to berate and gaslight you, is not the kind of person he thinks either of you should be around…

If you still want to stay in contact with them, he won’t try to stop you but he’s not going to encourage it. He can’t understand why you would put yourself through that, even though they are still your parents.

Anytime you need someone to cry to, he’s right there with a box of tissues. Even if it seems like an endless cycle, he won’t get angry with you. Not ever! It’s not like it’s your fault in any way, after all.

If they’re upset with you for dating Alfred, another man, he’s gonna feel a little guilty. But also more vindicated in constantly asking to come along when you see them. Let them see how happy you two are! That’ll show ‘em! (It won’t.)

But regardless of the reason, he’s going to try to always be around when you talk to them. If they’re so worried about seeming like good parents, perhaps they’ll remain on their good behaviour with him around.

When he first started dating you, he’d often brush off any problems you have with your parents. After all, they’re fine most of the time, right? But as time goes on, he’ll learn to want to strangle them. A couple of mistakes is understandable, but this many?! Over and over again?!

He completely understands that regardless of their abuse, you can’t imagine your life without him. He’s had many relationships like that, so he won’t try to coax you out of it. But just know that if you ever need support without him, he’ll always be there for you. In any way, any time.

But if they’re pissed about you dating another man, he’s gonna be about as angry as them! I mean, out of all the reasons… don’t they know that you being gay doesn’t change anything?! It’s utterly ridiculous. Do you want him to throw a brick through their window? Please, let him attack them with bricks.

Other than that, he’ll ultimately act civil towards them. They’re your family, even if they’re a ticking time bomb. But if you ever need him to burst in and give them a taste of their own medicine, he will happily do so.

Francis is not an angry man, but he finds it hard to hold himself back when it comes to your parents. I mean, the absolute audacity they have with you… if they won’t listen to your protesting, maybe they'll listen to an immortal!

As much as he can understand your reservations about distancing yourself from them, he worries greatly about your safety. If there’s anything that they do, that he can do instead, please let him know. It’s really not good for you to be around people so toxic.

Anytime you need someone stable to comfort you, he’s running to help you. He may not always have the right words, but damn he’ll try. You don’t deserve such torment, you know? It’s not fair that your parents are such an ordeal to deal with…

If they’re homophobic as well, he’s really not surprised. Not impressed either, but considering everything they’ve done, it adds up. All that means is that you two have to get even gayer to spite them.

Your parents insisting you visit? Well, too bad! Francis bought you both non-refundable tickets to a resort all the way across the world. Now you’re way too busy having a perfect honeymoon instead of dealing with their bullshit.

Seeing how your parents treat you is obviously gonna piss Yao off. But it also makes him reflect on his parenting a lot… he sees the pain it causes you and he can’t help but worry if his “kids” feel the same. No one deserves to go through what you do.

Because of this, he’ll encourage you to try to work it out with your parents. If you need advice, he’ll always try his best to help you guys. But if they refuse to listen, just hurting you more in the process, he’s gonna blow a fuse.

I mean, are you seeing these unreasonable assholes? You should like, cut them off. Being family is about respecting each other, and they choose to do everything but that! Maybe you should come live with him instead, he can take care of you instead.

If they’re annoyed specifically because you’re dating another man, well, that just adds to it. People nowadays… back thousands of years ago no one cared! They should learn a little history before treating you terribly.

If he ever meets them, he’s gonna give them a piece of his mind. The way they act around you, that’s no way to treat a child! You don’t deserve any of it!

Normally, it’d be hard for him to recognize patterns of abuse (considering he has a couple of his own…) but with all of that changes. The moment you start crying on the phone to him, Ivan has decided your parents have lost their right to live.

Of course, he’ll listen if you don’t want him to beat them up. They are your family after all… even if they act like you aren’t. He’ll be passive enough when he visits with you. Well, he may get a little… threatening… while you’re in the bathroom. But he can’t help it! They have no right to hurt you as they do.

After that, he’ll want to come along basically every time you see them. They want to act the puritans, surely they won’t blow up on you when he’s there. If they do, he can always just sling you over his shoulder and drive you home. He’s fully prepared to comfort you all night if you need it.

If they’re homophobic as well, he knows there’s nothing you two can do. He has plenty of experience with the type, and they do not take kindly to any education on the subject. It doesn’t really matter anyway, he’ll still love you no matter what they say.

Feliciano is going to try to be moderate, even though he wants your parents to be sent to live alone in the wilderness. He understands if you still want to have a relationship with them, and he supports you. But also if you wanna cut them off, he'll gladly take you in.

He’ll act like he doesn’t, but he does truly hate your parents. Especially how they act like they’ve done nothing wrong even when you come home to him, sobbing your heart out. Where did they find the audacity? You don’t deserve any of this!

Normally, he rarely gets angry. Much less, confrontational! But when it comes to you, he can’t help himself. He sees how much they’ve hurt you, and he has no choice but to tell them off.

Especially if they hold your queerness against you. Being gay is wonderful! What an outdated view to hold! The absolute cruelty of hating you for something you can’t change, it makes his blood boil. Maybe you really should just cut them off…

He’ll always be there for you, no matter what you need. A shoulder to cry on, a stable home, anything. Family may be important, but no more important than your safety.

As soon as you tell Ludwig what your parents have done to you over the years, he’s going to urge you to distance yourself as much as possible. He’s seriously worried, not just for safety, but for your mental state. He can’t imagine going through that… from a damn parent!

Although he’ll always be there to comfort you, he can’t help but try to take a more proactive approach. If you really are dedicated to remaining connected with your parents, he’ll do everything he can to help you improve your relationship. Even if he thinks it’s a lost cause…

If they’re homophobic as well, he’s well-versed in defending your relationship. He has hours of reasoning and logic ready to make them feel like idiots; but unfortunately, that kind of hate isn’t that rational. You’re better off just leaving.

Whatever you decide, he’ll support you. Although he may seem tired of your endless cycle of parental problems, it’s really just because he cares about you so much. He wishes everything could be easier, but with things like this, nothing is black or white. Maybe, eventually, everything will work itself out. Then, you two can finally live in a perfect world.

Kiku may seem like he’s impartial, but he is absolutely NOT. He despises your parents, regardless of how kind they may act. Hurting you in any way… it’s the most horrid thing a parent can do.

Frankly, he may even refuse to meet them. Regardless of your insistence that they are not “always like that,” he still believes that you deserve so much better. He thinks that anyone who can act so awful and then pretend nothing happened, is someone who should not be tolerated.

Especially if they hold your love for other men against you. Any kind of illogical, ancient belief like that shows that they are beyond saving. He’s not even gonna try.

If you want to remain in contact with them, he’ll support you but never encourage it. He believes strongly in the institution of the family, but draws a line for his darling. If you tell him they’ve truly changed, he may come around, but he’ll always hold it against them.

All he wants is to protect you, no matter who it’s against. If your parents ever make you feel unwanted, unloved, or unworthy, Kiku will be there to tell you that you aren’t, over and over again.

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sumire-no-nikki · 4 months

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Grow Into

It has been a rainy week over here. Only 8 days into February and I feel like I’ve lived four lives already. It has been awfully busy. I’m doing a million things and planning on doing even more. I’m not complaining though. I feel very present and engaged with every project I’m working on. It has been a very productive year so far.

I’m here in my study, lounging on my reading chair and sipping coffee (inexplicably at almost 19:00! don't worry it's decaf!). I feel enveloped by the silence as I reflect on the past couple of days that have been quiet on my end. It’s not out of sadness or anything painful like that. There are just periods of time when I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I've always been this way, I think. My inner world just feels so much more enticing that it doesn’t feel necessary to venture out. I’m thankful that my friends and loved ones understand this. I suppose an extrovert might read this and think, oh how pitiful. But there’s nothing sad about it. I feel very nourished swimming in the lake of my own mind. There’s never anything to explain or justify, and I feel thoroughly fulfilled going about my days and getting things done this way.

At any rate I think I’m coming out of it now. I feel like my internal gauge is reading “ready to socialize again” so I’m crawling out of my personal wonderland to say hello.

I will say that something rather shocking happened to me recently. Shocking, sad in a way, but ultimately triumphant.

To make a long story short, I found out that someone had wronged me, for the millionth time, despite all the reassurances and chances in the world. It was something juvenile enough on its own. And it wasn’t the act itself that was upsetting to me, but the intention and effort to lie about it. This person hurt me with the attempt to misrepresent facts, and in doing so has communicated to me that they don’t think I’m important or worthy of consideration. When it mattered, they would choose to run me over. With every “I’m sorry” and every “I forgive you,” my affection for this person is diluted.

In the past, I took incidents like this very personally. When I wasn’t chosen by a friend group, it was some sort of judgment against me. When my mother compared me to other girls, it was an indication of my shortcomings. I always felt alone. Everyone else had an ally while I was left to starve for someone to fight my corner, to acknowledge my worth and defend it. I saw another person’s inability to value me as my personal responsibility. I thought I had to work hard to earn someone’s attention and investment. And because this is inevitably a fool’s errand, the result was always the same. I renewed my self hatred with every disappointment. I was sure there was something inherently unlovable about me.

But in the moment in which the truth hesitantly came out from this person, I saw very clearly that I had nothing to do with it. That while it was hurtful to me, while it was a blatant disregard of my own wellbeing, there was nothing I could have done to prevent this. No amount of loving harder, understanding better, or caring deeper would have changed the situation. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the other person.

While the conversation was unfolding, I was struck by the growth I noticed in myself. I have myself. I am my greatest ally. Yes, this person hurt me, but it doesn’t matter in the end. I will not be consumed by someone else’s failings. These were the thoughts I had, and I haven’t felt this proud of myself in a long time.

I don’t need their consideration if it’s not something they can provide. You wouldn’t go to the desert for snow after all. And that’s not a judgement against them. They are who they are. They can only be who they are. They make their choices. We’re just all different. And I’m at peace with that because I have all that I need right here. I have me.

I saw myself in that moment, reading someone’s apologies for something they’ve shown to not have any intention of changing or correcting, and felt such possessiveness over my heart and mind. I saw the woman I am and thought, you’re mine. You’re mine and I will take care of you. I smiled even after that shocking confrontation—all the unpleasantness just slid off my back. I held myself. The love I had been looking for all my life was right there. I was enough.

Perhaps this is very elementary to some people. But it meant a lot to hear it come from me. Not as an advice, not from a therapist, not from a self help book. It came from me because I wanted to tell myself that I love the girl I was, the woman I am and will be after all.

I was listening to a political podcast last week and the host brought up the fact that strong people are not those who can maintain an extended period of stability, but those who can go through all manner of changes. There’s a focus on making sure we don’t disrupt our lives as much as possible. We enter adulthood seeking a city to claim as ours, a career to specialize in, a partner to settle down with. A divergence from that path is widely considered as a bad thing, or worse, a failure. But I’m more convinced now than ever that if things don’t go well for me, I’ll be just fine anyway. I’m not worried anymore. I’m shedding the years of anxiety and control, and I’m giving way to a version of myself that’s even more liberated, resilient. I am growing into strength. I will keep on going no matter what. It’s in my nature.

Anyway, here are two books I’ve started reading recently. Water by John Boyle which is a book I bought last year while I was in Bath, and the other one is Nobody, Somebody, Anybody by Kelly McClorey. Both books are on my 24 books for 2024. I realized I hadn’t read one book from the list in January as I was feeling rather spontaneous then, so I’ve got to catch up with the list this month. I also plan to reread The Searcher by Tana French at the end of the month because the sequel novel is coming out first week of March and I want to be prepared. As a Tana French-stan (as the young ones say these days—how do you do fellow kids? lol) I cannot tell you just how excited I am for this new book. I’ve pre-ordered a signed copy and I am shaking with anticipation just typing this. Tana French novels represent a very specific feeling and time in my life, so I always welcome the opportunity to jump back into her written world. This is funny, now that I think about it, because her books are actually pretty damn bleak. Oh well!

Reading has been going in a somewhat slower pace, in comparison to how it was in the last quarter of last year. I’m fine with it so long as I’m on track to complete my annual goal. I do wish I would have more time to just devour more books though. Someone on Reddit calculated how many books they have left to read if they live up to a certain age and read a certain amount of books annually. That mildly alarmed me. I obviously have a handful of decades ahead of me (if everything goes well lol) but to have a concrete number of books you’ve got left to read in your lifetime is such an existential experience. But it’s a bit silly too, honestly, because all sorts of things could happen. You could die tomorrow, you could live longer than expected. You just never know.

Here’s a recent addition to the vinyl collection. It’s the deluxe edition of Billie Marten’s first album on colored vinyl. I have a copy of the first pressing from 2016, and I will say the main differences here is that the first pressing came in a nice sturdy textured cardboard gatefold, and the booklet has more pages and artwork. The packaging just feels more luxurious. It’s on a standard black vinyl and it sounds just fine. The repress on the other hand is an MOV pressing, which means it’s digitally mastered and not by the original label. The audio quality is very clean though, and it comes with deluxe edition tracks. It’s also numbered and limited to only 1000 copies. I plugged in my headphones into the receiver the other day to do an up close listening and it was a delight to listen to. It was like being in an amphitheater. I’m so happy to have this in my collection, relieved I snagged one before the scalpers hoard all the copies and start selling it for $300 a piece lmao. (Ah, vinyl collecting is just god awful nowadays… but that’s a topic for another day.)

Alright, that’s all for now. Here’s a Faye Webster song I’ve been revisiting a lot lately. It makes me want to be in silky pjs and walk around my house with a cup of coffee whenever I listen to this song. It feels like gentle morning sunshine, don’t you think?

I’m going to read now until my eyelids can’t stay open. I’m very cosy here. I hope you’re also keeping cosy wherever you are!

Toodeloo!

#diary #sumire-no-nikki

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galaxyshine24-7 · 1 year

Text

Silver Bullet Au🍹

Chapter Three Rose Margarita

Tw: Gang violence, drugs, drinking

“Ace! Oh god, Ace!” Yuu rushes over to his collapsed form having to cover their nose with their sleeve. The smell of blood is so strong it makes them nauseous. Tears start to spill down Yuu’s eyes as they try to remember what to do. Call the ambulance? No, Ace is badly wounded, and what if they don’t come in time? Plus he’s in the Mafia, they don’t do hospitals, so it might get him in more trouble.

Yuu works fast moving Ace as gently as possible getting him inside their apartment upstairs. Ace’s blood drips onto the wooden floors as Yuu hauls him onto a spare bed as they go find the first aid kit in the bathroom. Mozus Trein taught Yuu first aid knowing where they live, you never know when you or someone might need quick stitches. Rushing back to the room Yuu starts to undress Ace to analyze the wounds. He had a stab wound on his side as his body is covered in bruises. What chills Yuu the most however is the burn line that wraps around his neck. Yuu is not oblivious to what goes on in NRC, heck their teachers would warn them about the mafias that run the city. They like to collect youngbloods to fill in the ranks; each mafia is different in how they discipline lower-ranking members. Not to mention the outside dangers from other gangs and mafia groups. Yuu’s teachers have tried their best to prepare Yuu for the harsh world in the sector, but nothing compares to seeing it up close. Ace was bickering with Deuce and laughing over drinks just a few hours ago, and if Yuu hadn’t found him when he did, he might have died.

The area around the bed is covered in bloody wipes and bandages as Yuu does their best to patch him up. Once done they cover Ace with a blanket to let him rest. Yuu steps out of the room looking down at their hands to see them covered in blood. They rush to the bathroom trying to wash off the red substance. Their eyes land on their reflection in the mirror, wide tired eyes look like they’ve seen a ghost. A migraine starts to form making them rub their temples. Yuu needed to focus on another task, they walked into the hall to see the blood stains on the floor. They start by looking for the mop to get it clean.

“What did Crewel say? Lemon juice washes out blood stains.” Yuu mumbles as they come across a gray bundle curled up by the fireplace. It's the cat from the alley. It's all gray with a fluffy tail and a small black and white ribbon around its neck. It's small and a little chubby, but seems agile enough to get around. Big blue eyes stare back at Yuu as the little cat shakes off the water from the rain outside. The rain is starting to fall hard now as Yuu rushes downstairs to make sure everything is locked. They grab the cleaning supplies and start to get the blood stains from the floor. Yuu loses the passage of time as they work away. When it's done they haul themselves back upstairs for a shower and a change of clothes. The cat sleeps soundly on the couch as Yuu lets out a sigh.

“If you’re going to stay here you better earn your keep. I better not see any rats around here.” Yuu tells the feline firmly as it opens one of its blue eyes to look at them. It soon yawns rolling over on the couch as Yuu walks away. They check up on Ace to see that he is still breathing. If the condition gets worse Yuu will have no choice but to call an ambulance, but for now, he needs his rest. Yuu goes to wash up and finally slips into bed trying their best to fall asleep.

------------------

Ace couldn’t remember much after he ran away from the Heartslabyul manor. It's a blur of street lights and speeding cars. However, he never expected to wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking in the kitchen as he lays in a soft bed with a cat staring down at him.

“What the hell?” Ace exclaims trying to sit up, but his wounds send him back down on the bed. The gray cat kneads into the blanket staring down at Ace letting out a low growl.

“What are you looking at?” Ace huffs about to move the cat off his chest.

“Oh, you’re awake.” Yuu peeks their head from around the corner holding a bowl in their hands as they mix the contents inside.

“Yuu?” Ace questions as he watches them sit on the side of the bed.

“How are you feeling?”

“Everything hurts like hell. Why am I here?” Ace reaches up to place a hand on his forehead.

“I found you passed out in the alleyway by the bar. You were in pretty rough shape.” Yuu frowns at the memory. Ace feels the embarrassment start to spread across his body. Did he run all the way here? Why to a bar he only went to once? Many thoughts race through his head as he looks over into Yuu’s warm eyes. They were worried for him, he can’t remember the last time someone worried over him like this. He looks towards the wall feeling the blood rush to his cheeks.

“You shouldn’t go around picking up random people on the street. Don’t expect me to pay you back for this. I didn’t ask for your help.” He scolds. Yuu lets out a small smile as they stand adjusting the bowl on one side as they pick up the cat with the other hand.

“You don’t owe me anything, Ace,” Yuu said sincerely. “I’ll bring you some breakfast soon.” Yuu walks over to the door, setting down the cat outside the room as they close the door behind them. Ace tries to lift his head, laying back down at the pain. He really got himself into trouble this time, not even Trey could save him from Riddle's wrath. He closes his eyes for the time being thankful for being alive at least. He settles back down as he lets out a few steady breaths knowing he needs to get his energy back if he’s going to fix this.

Yuu comes back after a while with a tray of pancakes and eggs for Ace. They help him sit up. Yuu pulls up a chair to sit close to the bed. They tell Ace that Grim; the name they decided for the cat; was eating some tuna by the fireplace. Yuu had to run and get some pet supplies for the little guy early in the morning.

“He came in when I hauled you upstairs from the dumpster,” Yuu explains. “To be honest without him hissing I don’t know if I would have found you.”

Ace huffs at the statement, stuffing his face with food.

“The little guy hates me, I can tell.” He grumbles.

“I think you might have fallen on his home. I went back to the dumpster to make sure you didn’t drop anything and there was a box with ‘need home’ written on it.” Yuu eats from their own plate along with Ace as they enjoy the food with a few minutes of silence.

“So, what happened?” Yuu speaks up, bringing out the elephant in the room.

“Mafia stuff you don’t want to get involved with.” He turns away.

“Is that why you decided to pass out by my bar, to not involve me?” Yuu retorts. Ace glares at them for a good minute before letting out a sigh as he runs his fingers through his hair.

“I got into a fight with the boss, I stole a tart and the dude completely flipped out. He’s a total tyrant, and throws temper tantrums like a huge baby!-” Ace begins to complain.

“Hold up your leader did this to you all because of a tart?!” Yuu’s eyes widened.

“Well, I guess the tart was the last straw.” Ace shrugs. Yuu could only stare horrified. Ace freezes at the look they give him

“But don’t worry about it, he wasn’t going to kill me.” Ace waves it off. “I’ve had worse beatdowns in my life.”

“What about that burn mark?” Yuu motions to the line all around his neck, like a morbid collar.

“It's from the boss’s unique magic.” Everyone gets punished with it if they step out of line.” Yuu knows about the use of magic by their teachers. It's been around for a long time, but it's hard to harness it and after the incident of Night Raven College it has been used as a drug that grants the user all kinds of benefits, but the aftereffects are horrible. The drug has become a serious problem in the NRC sector as it is used and sold by the thousands. It takes many years for someone to be a master at controlling the drug residue called blot so it doesn’t cause them to overdose.

Ace’s boss must be very powerful to control magic and even gain unique magic from the drug's use. Yuu reaches over to the nightstand handing Ace some burn cream.

“Use this if it starts to hurt okay.” Yuu places it next to him. “I gotta open up the bar soon. Will you be okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” Ace gives them a smirk. “I’m tougher than I look. Just take that weird cat with you.” Ace pouts once Grim peeks his head inside the room once more. Yuu chuckles at that as they finish up with breakfast. Yuu made sure to place their number in Ace’s phone if he needed anything. Having spent so much on surprise circumstances Yuu will have to work extra hours to get by. Crowley’s allowance didn’t last long now that they thought about it.

Well, all they can do now is get to work. Yuu brings Grim down to the bar so Ace can recover in peace. Grim starts to explore the bar sniffing at the chairs and booths until he finds a cozy spot on a bar stool. Yuu thinks about getting a bed for him to rest on as they open up shop.

A few people came in during the early hours. It is a slow start to the day, but it gives Yuu a break to sort through their thoughts. The chime of the bell reaches their ears as they put on a small smile.

“Welcome to the Silver Bullet, what can I get you?-” Yuu stops as they see a familiar mop of blue hair walks into the bar. “Deuce?” Yuu questions their shoulders, tensing a bit as another accompanies him. He wears a clover mark on his cheek showing that he is also a part of Heartslabyul. A hat sits on top of his choppy green hair as he adjusts his glasses giving Yuu a warm smile.

“Hi Yuu, we’re here for Ace.” Deuce lowers his voice. Yuu raises a brow at the man next to him as Deuce clears his throat. “This is Trey, trust me, he’s a friend.” He explains. Yuu relaxes a bit looking over at Deuce once more.

“He’s upstairs healing, I found him passed out and beaten up in the alley.” Yuu can’t help but grit their teeth. Deuce and Trey give each other concerned looks as Yuu continues.

“I don’t know what you all got into, and I don’t want to know. But Ace is in no condition to be moving around right now.” It's a subtle warning to them both, if they truly cared for him they would let him rest. Not drag him back to get beaten up again.

“I understand, and I actually think it is best that he stays here for a bit,” Trey speaks up much to Yuu’s surprise. “Can we please see him at least?” Yuu thinks for a moment looking around at the empty bar.

“Fine but I have to accompany you.” Yuu places a rag over their shoulder as they lead the two of them upstairs to see Ace. Grim watches over the bar when Yuu is gone. Trey and Deuce follow them to the apartment without saying a word as Yuu knocks on Ace’s door.

“Ace, Trey, and Deuce are here to see you.” Yuu hears a shuffle from inside.

“Bring them in.” Ace answers. Yuu opens the door to find Ace with part of his shirt on as he tries to sit up and move around.

“Don’t reopen your wounds.” Yuu scolds stepping inside. Trey and Deuce follow immediately, checking Ace to see his condition. Yuu doesn’t miss the sigh of relief that leaves Trey’s throat.

“I’m so glad you're okay. I’m sorry I wasn’t there earlier.” Trey rubs his temple.

“It's not your fault Trey.” Ace rolls his eyes.

“Yes it is, I’m Riddle’s right hand. It's my job to take care of everyone, especially in the state he is now.” Trey sighs.

“Well, he needs to figure things out himself instead of taking his anger out on others.” Deuce adds. “All the underlings can do is try not to step on his toes, which is hard to do with all the rules,” Deuce explains.

“It's just his way of doing things.” Trey takes a deep breath.

Yuu leans against the wall watching the scene before them. They will never understand this whole mafia business. Yuu’s disdain for people throwing their life away to join those groups always causes a sinking feeling in their stomachs. They can only hope to find a place away from all this in the future. With a sigh, Yuu knocks on the wall to get their attention.

“I need to head back down to the bar. I’ll give you guys some privacy.” Yuu lets out a sigh.

“Thank you, Yuu.” Deuce straightens up bowing to them. “For everything.”

Yuu nods as they walk out of the room, closing the door.

As Yuu makes their way down the stairs the sound of a voice reaches their ears.

“Aren’t you a pretty kitty? Come on smile for Cay-Cay.” A man with bright orange hair. Yuu gives him a confused look as he’s snapping many pictures of Grim on the barstool. Grim however looks ready to claw the man’s eyes out.

“Um, can I help you?”

“Oh hey there.” The man flashes a bright smile at Yuu. He leans against the counter looking Yuu up and down. Grim saw the first opportunity to escape somewhere else in the bar.

“You the owner of this bar?” He straightens out his jacket.

“No, but I work here. What can I get you?” Yuu goes behind the counter as the man takes a seat.

“A virgin spicy mango margarita please.” He places his head in his hands. Yuu starts to get to work making his drink trying to take their mind off the trio upstairs.

“So what’s your name?”

Yuu glances up at the man as he gives them an award-winning smile, but it seems like an act to them. Sam would teach them about the facial expressions of people. The man in front of them has a fake smile. A smile that makes people uncomfortable if they knew the truth behind it, but on the surface, it's as warm as can be.

“Yuu.” They answer bluntly.

“My name is Cater Diamond. Nice to meet you.” He outstretches his hand to Yuu as they slide his drink in front of him. Yuu raises a brow at him as they take it.

“Excuse me for being too forward, but would you like to go on a date with me sometime? You are just two cute, I know a few cafes you would love.”

Yuu stands there with wide eyes as blood rushes to their cheeks. It caught them so off guard that they didn’t see Trey coming down the stairs. Trey stops, looking at the scene in front of him.

“I’m I interrupting something?” He laughs nervously. Yuu takes their hand away from Cater, turning to Trey.

“No.” They turn around going to clean some of the other glasses. Yuu just now noticed the diamond under his eye. Another Heartslaybul member, it's like their bar is a magnet for them now.

“Hey Trey, I've been looking everywhere for you.” Cater places a hand on Trey’s shoulder pulling him off to the side to whisper something to him. Yuu goes back to tending the bar. They can see the emotions flash through Trey’s eyes as he pinches the bridge of his nose. “So now our dear Queen is very pissed, and we have no place to hold the negotiation meeting.” Cater finishes as Trey takes some time to think. That’s when Trey’s eyes meet Yuu’s. They should have known when Trey and Cater flashed them that nervous smile something was up. “Yuu I know you might have a lot on your plate, but could we use this bar as a base for negotiations? We need a place in neutral territory and our previous place is… no longer available.” Trey asks.

Yuu raises a brow as they clean up a glass.

“I don’t want my bar overrun with gang activity.” They state firmly.

“Of course, we wouldn’t dream of causing your establishment any trouble.” Cater smiles waving the thought away.

“It will just be for tonight, and we will pay you handsomely for doing this favor.” Trey ensures. Yuu couldn’t argue with a good paycheck, they need it right now with another mouth to feed. Plus it will be interesting to meet this infamous Queen everyone keeps talking about.

“Fine, but only for tonight, and you must make sure Ace doesn’t get hurt.” Yuu glares at Trey.

“Absolutely, I’ll make sure Ace is not harmed. You saved our skins, believe me.” He sighs in relief.

“It seems you Heartslabyul guys need a lot of saving as of late.” Yuu places down the glass crossing their arms. Cater and Trey can only laugh at that statement as Yuu huffs going to check the inventory in the back.

As the day goes on Trey and Cater head back to the gang's headquarters, as Deuce stays to look after Ace and help Yuu with bar duties. Yuu made sure the bar looked presentable, setting up a table on the upper level with enough privacy for this negotiation meeting. As the sun starts to go down many people start to come in for a drink. It created a good amount of white noise for Yuu as they made drinks and bus tables. In the late hours of the night, Deuce comes down the stairs in a hurry.

“He’s coming.” He tells Yuu going to stand outside and wait for his gang. Yuu takes a deep breath mentally preparing themselves for this encounter. They had finger foods and trays of drinks already laid out in the seating area as Heartslubyal members started flooding in like soldiers lining up in a straight line. The lights are dimmed slightly as they illuminate the faces in the bar. Trey and Cater open the front door as a silence passes through the building. The sound of heels clicking against pavement makes itself known as a shadow comes into view. Yuu tilts their head to get a glimpse at this gang leader as he steps into the establishment. He was short in stature, but his presence was one of authority. His red hair is done perfectly and his suit is crisp and clean, not a spot out of place. His eyes are a sharp bluish-gray as he glances in my direction. I could only stand there cleaning glass as he walked past. A small huff escapes his lips as he walks up the stairs with Trey and Cater at his sides. Deuce comes up from behind with the rest of the gang members as they take their seats elsewhere on standby. Deuce sits at the bar by Yuu taking a deep breath, sweat spilling from his forehead. Yuu passes him a cup of water. He gives them and thankfully nods, as it now turned into a waiting game for the other side to come in. Yuu made sure there was enough food and drink for everyone, they took notice that the sweets are more favored when it comes to Riddle. The gang leader finished off a single plate by himself. Yuu can’t help but smile a little at that as they clear off the table.

“Something amusing?” Yuu stops and so does everyone else in the vicinity.

“No sir.” They answer, picking up the plate. Riddle stares down at them from his seat, his eyes following their every move.

“Funny I could have sworn I saw a smile on your face.” He looks towards his empty glass sipping at the last bit of its contents. “It seems I’ve finished another glass. Our friends are very late.” He states. Yuu can feel the tension in the room starts to thicken.

“Here Riddle.” Trey takes out a bottle of sparkling cider from the table, going to pour it again into Riddle’s glass, but his leader's hand stops him.

“Bartender, I would like you to make me a drink.” Riddle smiles.

“What would you like sir?”

“Surprise me, but be sure I like it or else.” He frowns glaring daggers at Yuu.

“Here Riddle let me-” Trey speaks up.

“No Trey I need you here to keep me updated on our friends. Hopefully, this bartender can make up for their rundown establishment with their service.” He crosses his legs. Yuu knows it would be in their best interest to not piss this guy off, but his arrogance picks at their patience. Not to mention the terrible state that Ace is in, is all because of this guy. Yuu places a tight smile on their face, as Riddle raises his brow.

“Of course.” The eyes follow Yuu’s motion as they curtsy. “Your majesty.” Yuu makes their way back down the stairs before he can say anything. Now they just have to make a drink that's better than ever so they don’t lose their head.

Yuu took notice of how Riddle has a sweet tooth, and that Trey chose to give him a cider instead of a wine, he must not be of drinking age yet. Not to mention Ace brought up that he stole a tart. So with the information, Yuu as they whip up a sweet rose virgin margarita. Yuu makes sure it has a bit more sugar than the recipe calls just for Riddle as they bring it up on a simple tray. Deuce watches them pass up the stairs his hands clutching to his sides.

“Here is your drink sir.” Yuu places the glass in front of Riddle and carefully eyes it. With the snap of his fingers, two gang members stand side by side with Yuu. So they couldn’t escape it seems Trey can only look on with worry as Riddle takes a small sip. It moves in slow motion as Riddle’s eyes widen and his face softens a great bit.

“Hm, this is rather good.” He takes another sip as the whole room lets out a collective sigh.

“Your skills very much make up for your decor bartender.” He waves the guards off as they go back to their stations.

“Thank you-

“Okay where is he!” A young thug bursts into the bar with a few of his friends as he looks around at the establishment. He spits out his cigar stomping on it to put it out. “There he is, hey Rosehearts sorry we got here late had a party across town.” He walks up the stairs taking a seat across Riddle as his friends sit beside him moving Yuu out of the way.

“Hey, sweetness mind grabbing us a few beers.” The main thug orders as Yuu returns to the bar to get their drinks. This won’t end well anyone could see that. The Heartslaybul members are already tensing up. Yuu finds Grim on the bar stool as they safely place the cat in the safe room behind the bar. Yuu brings up the drinks quickly as the thug rambles off to Riddle, who is just sipping the beverage Yuu made him.

“So I don’t think we’ll be able to sell our territory with what you offered.” He takes a long chug of bar letting out a large burp. Yuu cringes at the sight, but still, Riddle remains silent.

“We already adjusted the deal several times.” Trey piped up.

“Shut up four eyes I’m talking to your shorty of a leader here!” He snaps at Trey.

Cater grabs onto Yuu’s shoulder having them step back a fair distance away.

Riddle stands taking one last sip of his drink. In a split second, he pulls the thug by the collar smashing the glass right on his head.

He lets out a loud scream as everybody stands in attention, any bystanders rush out the door trying to not get caught in the crossfire. His friends pull out guns, but they explode with a snap of Riddle’s fingers.

“I’ve heard just about enough of you lot!” He outstretches his hand towards them as fire shoots from his fingertips. Red veins grow from his neck and eyes as collars made of fire wrap around the thugs' necks.

Cater places his hands over Yuu’s eyes as Trey covers their ears. It only seemed like a few minutes before they let Yuu hear and see again. Burn marks stand where the thugs once were as Riddle dusts himself off.

“Change of plans Trey start the preparations to add new territory to the Heartslaybul district. We will be taking it by force this time around.” Trey nods as Riddle heads down the stairs.

“Thank you bartender for letting us use your establishment on such short notice. Heartslaybul will cover any damages that took place in a timely manner.” Riddle straightens out his gloves as his members stand in attention holding the door for him. Yuu follows Cater and Trey down the stairs as they say their goodbyes.

“Oh, I don’t think I’ve probably introduced myself.” Riddle stops turning around fully to greet Yuu. “The name is Riddle Rosehearts see to it that you remember.” He turns around again looking over his shoulder one last time.

“For you will be seeing me more often.”

Inspired by @jackplushie Silver Bullet au

#silver bullet au #twst silver bullet au #twisted wonderlandxreader #twisted wonderland #my writing #riddle rosehearts

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scruffyssketchbook · 6 months

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Vay is honestly such a tragic character and nobody really talks about it :(

Being a prickly asshole is an extremely understandable response to what happened to him, although it’s not a good or ethical one. In Vay’s eyes, the old Blizz, the one he cared about, is dead and was replaced by some cruel mockery. Of course he hates him! And on top of that, Blizz doesn’t remember anything about the lab, and Vay must be incredibly jealous of that. Vay is mean and prickly but it must be hard to be anything else at this point. The other mon in the box really don’t understand the extents of what happened to him. Even if anyone knows what truly happened, I sincerely doubt they really understand his struggle. Everyone is so busy trying to deal with their own problems that it’s near impossible to reach out and really understand somebody else’s, especially when their trauma’s mostly come from a similar place. They’re trying so hard to ignore what happened that looking into anybody’s else’s pain would only bring back their’s at full force.

Back on topic, even if Vay wanted to be kinder, how could he be? He has no healthy outlet for his trauma or emotions. He’s already ruined his relationships with just about every mon in the box, repairing them would be such a daunting task that trying would probably just make Vay relapse into assholery. It’s not as if every mon would forgive him. Blizz might, but we already know why that wouldn’t work for Vay. I imagine spending time around someone who is kind-of-but-not-really your (long dead, in your eyes) hero would be HELL for anyone!

For any of the cast to truly move on from what happened to them, they would have to 1), be and feel safe, which a lot of them aren’t and none of them do, 2), actually acknowledge and process all the bad things that happened to them, which a lot of them have spent the entire course of the story running from, 3) process the bad things they’ve done themselves and try to make amends, which I presume most of them would struggle with, and 4) have the motivation to actually change, which is probably the hardest one.

Vay, and everyone else for that matter, needs outside support to heal from his trauma. He can’t do it alone. But he either won’t accept the help from others, or the others won’t provide it. And it isn’t like Vay will ever forget or fully move on from what happened to him. He’ll never fully feel safe or happy again. Even if Vay is willing to put in the effort to change, imagine how awful it must feel knowing that you’ll never be whole again, that some part of you, the happiest part of you, will never come back. Even Vay’s physical appearance is directly tied to his trauma. He sees it every time he sees his reflection, he will never be rid of his traumas. That would be a massive demotivator for anybody!

And I haven’t even touched on Nego! Imagine what kind of guilt he’s fostering for keeping Nego locked up for years(?). Imagine the guilt and loneliness he felt after sending him away. The circumstances surrounding Nego’s conception/birth may also have taken a toll on Vay, but I admit I would need to do another rereading if I wanted to make a proper statement about that.

Anyway it’s my firm opinion that Vay needs intensive therapy, and I’d like to scoop him up in my arms and tell him that he’s safe and loved and never needs to worry again <3 that’s my son right there, fr fr. He just needs some good direction and a lot of support, I can fix him, I swear

You gotta also remember!!! It has been shown several times that Vay does in fact care about Blizz. And it isn’t just that Blizz forgot the lab!!! Blizz forgot everything they been through TOGETHER. That makes Vay more angry honestly. It is correct that the other mon don’t know the extent of what happened to him, but you know who did? Old Blizz. His closest friend, the one he looks up with such admiration, his hero. The only other who comes even close is Flame, and Flame AVOIDS Vay! We have seen in the comic that all of the main boys except Blizz decided the best course of action to take with Vay is to leave him alone and give him space. Welp. They’ve been doing that for years and it just seemed to not help at all.

Along with all the other things- yeah Vay needs massive therapy. ALL of the cast does lol

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sitp-recs · 2 years

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Nothing compares by @maesterchill

Harry/Draco (2022, Teen and Up, 3k)

Working in the International Auror division doesn't exactly lend itself to Harry finding love or having any sort of relationship, what with all the unsociable hours and catching bad guys and never being in one location for more than a few days. Not to mention the permanent fixture of his partner, Malfoy. So, how does a song about lost love end up being the thing that helps Harry find love, in the location he least expected it?

Malfoy straightens, and makes a triumphant noise. His lips twist into a smirk, and something about the way Malfoy’s eyes crinkle with joy sends an odd emotion shooting straight through Harry’s heart. It’s an indescribable mix of things, a bizarre configuration of affection and longing and… something else not unpleasant. “Well done,” Harry whispers, feeling strangely lost, itching with that feeling he has when he sees something beautiful that isn’t his.

The vibes baby, it’s about the vibes! I might have mentioned before how fascinated I am with fics sending off what I personally call the casual vibes ™. It’s not really about no strings attached or lack of character depth, but rather the opposite! It’s more about seeing characters being caught off guard but choose to embrace the wonderful and terrifying feeling of falling in love. Something about the adult feel of it, the no stress/low key drama atmosphere, if that makes sense? To be honest the uncomplicated take doesn’t fit all kinds of narrative and it’s not something easily done or replicated. Also not something I’m good at explaining either, but this feeling hits me on occasion and there are a few authors who can deliver it masterfully like @sorrybutblog (see Heartlines) and Maester, crafters of soft & organic romance!

There’s this… lightness to their writing, I guess? A mix of wisdom + low key excitement showing that even pining can be full of wonder and offer connection to little things - a place, a song, a memory - and that falling in love is not the end of the world and doesn’t have to be that scary or complicated. I think I finally understand why the friends to lovers trope compels me so, and that’s because I tend to embrace new feelings despite their potential for change or heartbreak. I find it somewhat Gryffindor comforting and it’s something I’ve been interested in exploring more in my adult years.

This is a fic that made me reflect on all that and so it naturally became an instant fave alongside Oxygen (another masterpiece by Em, big rec!). Harry’s POV is gentle and self-aware, charming in his bittersweet longing for Draco and inability to act upon it but embracing the feeling all the same! I love the way he connects with the song after stumbling upon it multiple times, it’s such a common phenomenon I think everyone will be able to relate to that. There’s something poetic about the song choice too, the break up lyrics evoking a new love instead of a failed one. I’m so here for Harry’s casual-not-so-casual (now you know what I mean!) slow realization and low key yearning. It’s endearing to watch him getting more attuned to Draco since the event we can only access through his memories (the scene I quote just about killed me with feels!), and we observe the change in their dynamics through flashbacks and all the unspoken little things that makes everything feel bigger and meaningful despite the fact they never talk about it.

The best thing about reading from Harry’s perspective is trying to grasp Draco’s intentions through his eyes, and up until the car sequence we have no clue but then!!! Then it all becomes so clear!!! The sing-along moment made my heart skip a beat, it’s such a special underrated little scene where both Harry and Draco finally seem to be on the same page, reminiscing and longing and opening up, and we’re left waiting in anticipation. The impressive build up for a short fic ends with a gentle get together, nice and easy, soft and intimate as if they’ve been doing that for years. Ah, the beauty of Auror partners to lovers!

Beyond Harry’s delicious pining and the slow, quiet romance, these short vignettes are also a love letter to the gorgeous and atmospheric Amsterdam, a perfect scenery for those slice-of-life memories. I love the gripping sense of space and emotion each sequence conveys, capturing wistful tenderness and that jittery feeling whenever our hearts are experiencing something new. @tackytigerfic said something in their comment that sums it up perfectly, how this fic captures “all those things so beautifully with a sort of quiet restraint that made the pining all the more poignant”. Once again Em delivers a short gem, quiet, organic, evocative and so very satisfying. Get ready to fall in love with Drarry and Amsterdam! 🚲

Read on AO3

#drarry fic rec

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whatdostarsdo · 2 years

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And you know what maybe I AM going crazy about garashir! Maybe I am!

Julian as this person who just so deeply wants to do what’s right and will do what he feels is right at any cost, who cares so deeply about people over all else, who has this constant need to prove himself worthy of existing because he has been told that who he is at his core is Wrong. Who lives with this secret and has to hide so much of himself because of it, who hates himself because of it. Who turned his anger and his pain into success and a ticket away from his abusers and who so desperately wants to be around people, wants to be useful to people to show that he’s worth caring about.

And Garak, as this person whose only true wish is to protect himself, to be plain and simple and live an uncomplicated life but knows he never really can. A man who knows in his heart there is no real home to go back to, who was built into a weapon, who was poisoned in mind and heart in a way he knows there is no coming back from and has done horrible things he can’t take back. A person who drugs himself as a way of coping with a deep loneliness that he feels he deserves. Whose entire life path has led him to an exile, broken and unwanted and surrounded by enemies.

These two people who have both resigned to living their life alone, these two people who consider themselves fundamentally broken and unlovable, these two people Find Each Other. And slowly they begin to form a connection, to care about each other. Together they start to see past what they feel they deserve, bashir teaches garak to be selfless and garak in turn teaches him to be selfish. They have no clue what they’re doing. They go on dates regularly and talk about books and make conversation that is significant amounts of innuendo. And then the wire- bashir sees garak’s true self, and he stays. He stays and maybe it’s duty, first, and then maybe it’s friendship, but he stays and it’s clear that it’s love.

And then- the war. And bashir changes. And garak changes too, and their changes pull them further apart- because they’ve switched, you see. Because by the end, garak is the one who is building a life, making a home, who finally sees hope- and bashir, all his friends are leaving him. His family is leaving him. He’s almost alone. He’s seen things- done things- he never imagined he’d have to do. All his secrets are out and he finds that he doesn’t like himself anymore. And after that- what? The story ends there.

And the story is- some things never heal. The past is immutable. But love- for a brief moment it was there and it could be again. It was seeing the potential of yourself reflected back at you and knowing, for a moment, that everything you never knew you even wanted was possible.

I’d like to think they do come together again. That a few years down the line, Julian comes to Cardassia, and they both finally get the peace and understanding they so desperately see in one another. That they heal Cardassia and themselves and each other and see that sometimes what two fallen trees can become is a bridge across the water.

#star trek #garashir #ds9 #it is the child of abuse in me I know #and these are things I so desperately want to believe in #I just think they deserve the chance to show each other the love that they both want and neither has ever experienced before #just also know there are so many fanfics in my brain about these two learning to love each other #and the simplicity of their future life together yk #eris tag

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shieldedreams · 2 years

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always got time for you (s.r.)

summary ⇾ doesn’t matter whether you’re busy handling hundreds of things on your sleeves, you’d always have time for steve rogers.

details ⇾ 803 words / steve rogers x secretary!reader / 🌸 fluff

notes ⇾ i saw one, one damned gif set of steve rogers and this came to mind so... enjoy! >:)

[masterlist] / [drabbles]

the tower has been in absolute havoc since a couple of missions lined up one after another. instances like these are when you wished you didn’t have such a high position because your mind is about to explode. you’re answering calls, scheduling press conferences, replying e-mail threads, filing paperworks, it’s a damned miracle your head is still on your shoulders. everything seems to be in check, for now, at least, until you get a knock on your door and blonde locks peek through with blue eyes.

steve watches as your expression changes; the effect always, always has the butterflies in his stomach somersaulting at the sight. how you anticipate for it to be a coworker, a colleague, tony, and when you process that it’s him, it changes. from expectance, turns into surprise, then familiarity, and the reflection of love and adoration.

"hey handsome,” you move your hands from the keyboard to fold them onto the table, raising a brow at him, “to what i owe the pleasure?”

he slips through and closes the door behind him, hands remaining to his back, “you... busy?” he asks carefully, seeing the amount of paperwork scattered around your desk and sofa combined. he’s well-aware of the damage and mess they’ve caused as avengers, but being with you, he sees the consequences of every single property they damage. it doesn’t help that it was a number of missions one after another within the same vicinity.

“depends on who’s asking,” you lean back in your seat to fold your arms, “if it’s captain america, yes. i’m so busy my mind is about to explode and i would refer you to someone else to tend to your needs.”

he gazes down to his attire and is grateful he doesn’t have his shield right now. he looks back up to your eyes and puts his hands to his hips, “what if it’s steve rogers?”

“if it’s steve rogers, then...”

he watches as you slide your chair back and uncross your legs to stand up. you spread your arms out, “then he better bring that ass here to give me a hug.”

steve doesn’t hesitate, and he certainly doesn’t need to be told twice. he scoops you into his arms, in a bone-crushing hug you’d gladly lose all your limbs to. he finds his rightful spot between your neck and shoulder, inhaling your scent, presence, everything. you sigh as you melt against him, arms circling around his neck as he roots you to the ground, into his embrace.

“missed you,” he murmurs into your ear, earning himself a chuckle.

“i’d offer you the same sentiment if it wasn’t for your team causing nearly fifty claims under the terms of property damage.”

he leans back, both brows raised, “that bad?”

“you wanna sit down with me and watch me redirect a bunch of calls from angry business owners?”

while it may sound like something it’ll turn someone away, to steve, it was a chance to be with you while you worked. it’s something he’s come to appreciate. whenever you were in your zone, in your element, he’s mesmerised. the world has changed so much, but he feels like he’s learning to adapt and be a part of it even more if it was by your side. so that’s how he ends up sitting on your chair, as he becomes your chair, and keeps you company while you worked.

from time to time, he’d roll you back from work and offer you five minutes break to just be in each other’s presence. it’s moments like these that steve appreciates how you make time for him. and it’s moments like these that you love how steve makes time for you. he could be training, could be researching on a bunch of other things but here he is. on the other end, you could be getting work done quicker, faster, more efficiently but here you were, tending to him and indulging in the scattered five minutes of heaven every now and then.

to steve, that was more than enough. to you, even more. altogether, you’d always have time for steve, and he knows that very well.

((”y/n, i’m gonna need you to schedule a press conference for next–jesus, popsicle, not again?! do i need to buy another chair here and label it with your name so you don’t keep harassing my secretary?”

you chuckle when steve doesn’t even respond, only sparing tony a glance before going back to read the e-mail that’s on your screen.

“hello to you too, tony. date, time and location?”

“forget it, i’ll just e-mail you.”

“couldn’t you do that in the first place?” steve calls out as tony makes his exit, “don’t push it, old man!” tony yells as he slams your office door shut behind him on his way out.))

#Steve Rogers #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers fic #steve rogers fanfic #steve rogers fanfiction #captain america #chris evans

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utterlyinevitable · 1 year

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Where It Begins (20/?)

↪ series masterlist

20. Merrily merrily merrily...

Pairing: Colin Bridgerton x Penelope Featherington Format: textfic Chapter Rating: T+

Summary: Lover Boy’s back on English soil 😏

Ben’s words keep plaguing Colin’s mind. Have been since his brother spoke them, almost every day of their five-week trip. Every time Benedict caught Colin texting or smirking at his phone a remark about Penelope was sure to follow. Those harsh words burrow into his brain and have Colin question everything. It’s worse now. On his flight and now this drive - all this anticipatory alone time melding with his inner saboteur, when all he can think of is seeing her again. Seeing his dearest for the first time in months.

Is she worth it?

Colin Bridgerton has known Penelope Featherington all his life. Well, since secondary school, in truth.

Colin can’t remember the first day they met. Everything blends together. It’s like his formative years could be summed up as Before Penelope and Afterwards. The Before is his younger years - those days when all he wore were sweatpants and sports shorts and his older brothers relegated him to play with his sisters, closer to his age.

Then there was Penelope. Always with Eloise.

His friend, too, in most ways (whether his sister wanted to accept that fact or not). She’s the company he always preferred to his siblings - whether they were at social functions, family gatherings, or just an after school hangout, he’d be drawn to her side. She was always there. Dancing in his kitchen, singing off key with Eloise whilst Frannie played keys, sitting next to him at dinner or during a movie, and on a blanket by the lake. Everywhere. The two of them sharing food and conversation as they fancy.

As they grew, so did their friendship. They’d text late into the night about anything and everything and nothing at all.

She was there.

Then she wasn’t.

What about Eloise? They fell out for a reason.

That fallout with Eloise... whatever happened was detrimental to Colin’s friendship. He doesn’t hold it against her, she was only being loyal to her friend until the end. Colin couldn’t imagine (as much as he’s tried) how awkward it would have been for Pen if she was still hanging around with Fran and Daphne and him with Eloise’s ire fuming over her shoulder. Maybe they could have worked things out if his siblings kept Pen around... Colin could reflect on all the things the Bridgerton’s could have done differently back then, but even he’s not a simple innocent in the Great Ghosting. He was preparing for first year and had his own circle of mates to appease before they all drifted off to uni... and maybe, just maybe he assumed everything would fall back into place.

But then.. December. And all those old feelings he’d harbored and hidden came rushing back in pervasive waves.

But they’re back.

Friendship or benefits or whatever it is they are to one another, Penelope is back in his life! As she should be. Anyway she wants as long as she’s here.

She’s his best friend. Then, now. God knows they’ve both changed in the last few years. Grew up and into adults. Yet, in all the time that’s passed and shifts in their persons she can still read him. She knows him. Colin doesn’t need to communicate his feelings explicitly because she knows. She’s special to him. Always has been, always will be. Whatever may come.

Would you really break ties with your family for a passing fancy?

Penelope?

No.

You’re mad.

#well well well our mans got some insecurities now doesn't he #polin #colin bridgerton #colin x penelope #penelope featherington #bridgerton #bridgerton textfic

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starnightlover · 1 year

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Hey!! ❣️ I need your help badly. I stupidly started dating a close friend of mine which lead to the most toxic relationship that lead to both of us losing our best friends. We’re broken up now but are still in each others lives as friends but the damage has been done to our friendships outside the relationship. I’ve been on no contact for years now with an old best friend who I miss so much, we stopped being friends after we each got into our own relationships and things between us got bad, so she stopped talking to me cause of something stupid. I want her back in my life sooo bad but 1. Idk how she’ll ever come back into my life after easily unfriending me and moving on, 2. I want her to forget the things she unfriended me over, and 3. it’s complicated cause my now ex has issues with her and I can’t have both in my life at the same time and I hate it. I want them both in my life and for both of them to be neutral with each other like they were before all the problems started. The same thing happened with my now ex, they lost all their friends when our relationship started and I feel it’s my fault cause I’m a jealous person. How can I fix everything and essentially go back in time to change everything as if nothing happened and we’re all the same as before, having our old selves/ friends back? I want to be my old best friend’s favorite person ever idc how delusional that is haha I want her to be obsessed with me and to forget the friends she had before me that are still in her life now and I want the same for my now ex, to have ALL their friends back as if they’ve never taken a break from each other and been close and hanging out together all this time. I want everyone to forget everything and just be our normal selves again. I’ve never tried revising before so is this something to revise to fix everything i mentioned? Please give me all the advice/tips you have, we’ve become loners and I miss my old self and I know they feel the same way. Ps. I’m sorry my ask is so long I tried to make it as short as I could while explaining as much as possible to make sense. Thank you for your help!!!!

Hi lovely! Don't worry about the ask being long, you needed to explain your situation and that's okay!!

First off, stop assuming that they don't like you or don't want to be around! You assuming that must be reflected so if you change that assumption the 3d he to conform to the new assumption! You can revise your situation by deciding that the unwanted circumstances never happened and permitting in that assumption or by deciding you went back in time and persist in that assumption! Either way will work! You are the creator, you created these circumstances, so you can change them! Everything is imagination, once you accept that everything will become easy! Your 3d is a mirror, it only reflects so you need to go within your imagination and accept your desires. Give yourself your desires within and the 3d must conform! Forget about logic completely, loa and logic do NOT correlate! Logic is a manmade construct, you do not need to be logical here. You can manifest immortality if you wanted so this is not hard nor impossible! My best advice is to fully understand that you are the creator and that you have created everything, meaning this is just another thing you created. Which shows how easy it is to change it! The 3d is extremely malleable so anything you can imagine can easily be reflected instantly if you accept so! Don't worry about time, logic, circumstances, or any outside source! None of these things exist so you are the one and the only thing that exists or matters, you only need to focus on your inner man {imagination} the rest will reflect. You got this! I believe in you, now go manifest your desires!

#law of assumption #manifestation #neville goddard #anonymous asks

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limetameta · 7 months

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Only a few people can understand that visceral disgust when you're looking at a person who's meant to mean you well and all you can see reflected in their eyes is the epitome of evil. If they could tear me apart and build me to be an exact replica of them, they would. If they could feed me acid day in and day out until nothing that makes me me remains, they would. If they could kill me and blame it on me and get away with it, they would. But of course, they hide their intentions behind well-meaning words and snide comments about how if only i changed one tiny thing, I would be worth more (it is never just one tiny thing) (and it is never just one tiny thing)

Like i am a commodity, and perhaps to them I am. To them who only see me as a tool that costs to maintain and doesn't give them enough value back, I am a dangerous thing to have. My words and my behaviour and my thoughts are much too ugly. They speak of a person they did not have a hand in moulding. In forcing into their fold. They see a stranger. Or worse. They see my mother in my stead. So they make sure to say how much I look like them. How if it were not for them I would not be half the person I am today. If one did not know them, one would believe they mean well. I know them. I know them well. If they could bill me for everything they’ve ever done for me, they would.

To feed me and to give me a place to sleep these four days proves too steep of a price so they must see a return and they must see one quickly. To see their only relative in so long, in ten years! It's only a reason to attack. Since they have to buy me a meal and since I'm not paying them to stay over in a stale bedroom with dusty decor, with claustrophobia inducing suffocation, then that means that I have to pretend to be their perfect replica. But my glasses are wrong you see I look so much nicer without them. I need to start wearing contacts. But my voice is too loud, why do I need to raise it? Why am I so annoyed? Why am I so neurotic? This is all my mother's fault. She poisoned me against them, yet why is it that they continously fill my blood with shit? Why is it that now that I am an adult and can see the situation clearly, they are even worse than what my mother shielded me from?

I went on vacation to visit a friend and then to be kind, to be polite and well behaved I only made the mistake of telling you. So you invited me to come, and I took you up on it, not thinking that every waking second would be an attack or a battle of some kind. Against enemies who, to be fair, have not changed at all since I was a child. Who, to be fair, still think I am that same child.

My friends made me sick. It wasn’t their words. The train to them made me sick. It wasn't their hate wrapped up in sarcasm. All intellectuals use sarcasm, of course, didn’t I know? But family is supposed to be kind. Where is your kindness, intellectual? Must my body resort to fever just so I can sleep and not listen to you? Must the only times you show concern be when I may die.

It keeps rising. It doesn't go lower. They don't mention the hospital or the doctor, because it might go down and it might not be another unecessary cost.

And the fever doesn't break and I keep hoping it'll last throughout the night and throughout the day and just so I don't have to hear them. That they can't infect me with their words, if they’ve already succeeded with their illness. And they are ill, because I saw a whole dresser shelf lined top to bottom left to right with medicine packages. But when it's time for them to give you medicine to lower your fever they deliberate, they debate, they all but fight between themselves because they have so few packages of the stuff. Can they waste it on you?

So you say, just barely, just hoping to survive one more night with them, hoping that your fever will break and you can go on your plane home: I'll pay for it. I'll give you money. Just get me meds.

Oh, they take such offence. Because you read them to filth. You know they would charge you the stale air they have if they could, but they are prisoners of politeness just as much as you are. So it is a crime and an insult to ask for someone to go buy you meds. They will buy it. They will give me everything they have.

The fever breaks after days. I am leaving tomorrow morning.

They are pretending to be sick now. That i have infected them. Yet you remember while you were sick how delighted they were that your plans changed. You had some friends you wanted to see in their city also. But you couldn't on account of dying. So they smirk and they laugh and they tease with words that sound so putridly villainous and cliche you think a child has written them: You wanted to see your little friends? You wanted to go out and have fun on the town? Well, you can't :) You're stuck here now, hee hee.

As if it's their greatest wish materialized. As if spending time with them 24/7 is what they crave. To hollow me out into a husk to burrow deep inside me and puppeter me. To steal my strength and my youth.

The fever breaks and I see them.

My lungs still wheeze. My strength is not yet back.

You have not had a problem with your lungs in ten years. The doctor is baffled as he conducts tests to check for covid and it's negative. Your blood is fine. Perfect. Your lungs are not well. Have you had problems with them in the past?

Only as a child, you answer. And what a surprise that is. That you were always at your weakest when they were around.

Cutting them off had been the smartest thing you'd done. Why did you come back? What possessed you to think that it was smart?

Oh. You think. Ten years had passed. I am an adult, perhaps they will see it as such, too. And we can mend our ways.

It's a victory to survive and to leave. Not really.

I have not won, but I have survived against your greatest attempts to kill me. I have left and I am home and I will never let you in. I will never file my teeth down for your benefit when your teeth remain, broken off because you are sick, you are decaying, you are old , sharp in my lungs. If you had only had more time with me, perhaps you would have even found my heart and you would have struck.

But I am home now. I am away. You send me messages telling me you miss me already. I am covered in sweat and blood and my lungs wheeze. And you say you miss me. But be sure, I am no longer the child who believes you. And i am no longer the adult that forgot what you were capable of.

I do not miss you.

#writing #limeta

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