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angelanimedesaray · 4 years

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Wings in the Dark Chapter 9: Thorns on the Rose

AN: It took me forever to come up with this title lol And I can’t begin to explain how much I adored all the feedback...and how tempted I was just to let you all squirm for a few days just for the heck of it XD

ik, ik, I’m evil, what’s new (She says, sipping from the mug that says Tears of My Readers. No really, I own a mug that says that. It’s my favorite).

I swear the delay isn’t because I wanted to make you squirm, though, I really had some troubles near the end and had to work through them PLUS decide to chop of my initial plans for half this chapter and shove them into the next chapter because this one was already so damn long XD

Characters: Levi, Fem!Vampire!Reader, Erwin

Pairing: (Eventual) Levi x Fem!Vampire!Reader

Warnings: Language, Allusions to Trauma, Antagonization, Mentions of: Death, Violence, Near Death, Blood, Murder.

Word Count: 9183

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*Levi’s POV*

When Levi came to, he felt lethargic and disoriented. His head was pounding, limbs heavy, and he even found breathing to be tiresome and difficult. Something that would have normally been alarming, if he could think straight.

What day was it? Was it night or day? Where was he? Why did he feel like there was somewhere he needed to be, something he needed to do?

He attempted to move his arms to start to sit up, opening his eyes briefly before immediately closing them as the world spun around him, the bright light painful on his eyes. A groan rumbled in his chest but didn't make it past his lips as he slowly started to sit up, using the soft surface below him as a sense of stability and direction while the world was spinning around him. As he sat up, something sheer and soft slid off his bare skin, scratching against something that was covering his lower torso.

Levi opened his eyes more cautiously this time, squinting against the light that came in through the window as his vision slowly came into focus on the familiar room around him.

His room. His bedroom.

What the hell was he doing in bed? He never slept in his own bed--it was there for decoration more than anything else. If he'd fallen asleep it would have been in just own chair.

And why was everything in his head such a confused mess? He shouldn't be this disoriented right now, why couldn't he remember...remember…

Levi lifted a heavy hand to his head, fingers digging into his hair as he tried to remember how he got here, what had happened before he'd fallen asleep?

Wait, there were...bandages on his head? Had he been knocked out by something? Some freak accident?

Right, he hadn't fallen asleep...he'd fallen unconscious because…

Levi looked down, finally noticing the bandages wrapped around his middle as well, covering his abdomen with a few strips wrapped over his shoulder to keep them in place. His hand lowered carefully to his middle, hand pressing tenderly for a wound, for some reason expecting to see blood gushing everywhere or to at least start seeping through the bandages.

The skin underneath was tender, sensitive to the touch and admittedly painful now that he was aware of it, like one large bruise or burn. Except, he knew that wasn't what was underneath the wrapping.

He remembered...blood. Lots of it, seeping out of a hole in his stomach, a hole ripped through him by the broken debris of a warehouse. He'd been losing blood so fast, staining his shirt, his skin, his hands, the floor...he'd known the moment he realized he'd been impaled he was going to die.

So why wasn't he dead?

Why had he gone to the warehouse in the first place?

The door to his room--the office portion--opened without anyone knocking, and Levi looked up in surprise. Considering the lack of an inquiry, he assumed it was Erwin coming inside. They cut right through his office without hesitation, heading right towards his bedroom door to reveal--

His stomach lurched, panic started to try and rear its head from his chest.

Red eyes, burning skin, a necklace, arms that threw him through walls and into the wood that impaled and should have killed him, an arm pressed against his lips, forcing blood into his mouth and holding fast to keep him from spitting it out though he still tried, in vain, to do just that, hands over his mouth and nose, cutting off his air until his body grew so desperate for oxygen it swallowed the blood in his mouth on a reflex.

Hands pressed against his fatal wound to try and stop the bleeding, arms that pulled him free from the wood he'd been impaled upon, a voice that tried desperately to keep him awake even when he lacked the strength to stay conscious any longer.

Even with some of the answers she was still a damn enigma.

L/N walked through his bedroom door as if it was perfectly normal for her to be here, a tray with teacups and freshly brewed tea on one hand while the other was opening and closing doors. She was completely unharmed--no burned skin, no line on her neck where his blade had drawn blood, no fucking gash across his chest where he'd cut her open trying to get her to stay away from him. Her eyes were back to their normal color, not a hint of red in them or on the clothes she'd clearly changed.

How long had he been unconscious?

No, that was a secondary question, he had more important things to worry about right now. Like how casually she'd just walked into his room, the fact that she was in his room, when he knew what she was.

The sheets that had covered him were thrown aside as she entered the room, the world tipping dangerously as he tried to swing his feet out of bed and get to his feet, tried to get to a position he could fight back. L/N moved in a blur, not even trying to hide her nature anymore as she sat the tray of tea down on the closest surface and practically appeared in front of him.

"You shouldn't be out of bed, yet, you're still not--"

Ignoring what she was saying, Levi reached out and grabbed a fistful of the front of her shirt. With far more effort than he would ever admit, he pushed her backwards, his own steps staggering and unsteady as he followed her, pushing her up against the wall, eyes glaring murderously at her and effectively silencing whatever else she was about to say.

They stood there for several moments, Levi's heavy breathing filling the room, L/N's hands up at her sides with palms out, meeting his gaze and appearing infuriatingly unsurprised by his reaction.

He wanted to just kill her here and now. Fuck, he shouldn't have hesitated back in that warehouse, things wouldn't have ended in his…

He wasn't dead. He was certain he wasn't dead. He hadn't died...had he? He should have. He'd been at the brink of dying the last he remembered. She'd been yelling at him not to die because her blood...her blood needed more time to heal him.

Levi's grip on her shirt tightened, fabric straining and threatening to rip.

He should have fucking killed her when it was simply man verses monster, because now she'd saved his life, and he didn't know what to do.

He had to accept that this situation was a lot more...complicated then he'd originally thought, and that he didn't understand what was happening. And if he didn't understand the situation, he couldn't approach it properly.

"I don't trust you," he growled out in a low voice. Again, she was unsurprised. It was probably one of the only stable facts between them right now.

"But…" his fingers flexed, adjusting the grip he had on her. "I will listen one time, and this time you'll answer our questions."

"Our?"

"Erwin will be there. Whatever I know, he'll know, and I don't want to be repeating shit." Levi centered his gaze on her again, expression dark and hard. "One time, and then we'll decide what to do with you."

Levi waited until she gave a slow nod to show she understood before he released her, hearing a little slide against the wall that told him he'd lifted her slightly--he hadn't even been aware. Turning away, Levi attempted to get back to the bed before his strength left him, but his knees buckled and he started to collapse before he even made it halfway there.

L/N caught him before he could hit the floor.

"Your interrogation will have to wait. You still haven't recovered enough to really get out of bed," she told him, helping him get to the bed before he pushed her off to let him do the rest by himself.

She backed off and let him struggle to get back into the bed, going back over to the tray of tea she'd brought in the first place to start pouring the cups as she spoke. "You've been out for a couple days. People have been asking questions, which I haven't answered. I've just been saying it's your business and leaving it at that. You can probably expect a visit from Commander Erwin any day now--you can tell him whatever you want, then."

"What did you do to me?" Levi cut in, fists planted in the bed as he tried to make sense of what had happened, how despite all odds he was sitting in this bed with some creature of the shadows attempting to have casual conversation with him as if he hadn't tried to kill her, as if she hadn't almost killed him and hadn't killed so many others before him.

She looked at him in silence for a brief moment, as if sizing him up before she approached with a cup of tea in hand.

"My blood can heal most injuries, if there's enough time. It's gross, and it's risky, but it was your only chance given the situation. But it was also cutting it close." She held out the cup of tea, and Levi eyed it distrustfully. A bit of annoyance crept through her voice, and she held it a little closer to him without spilling it everywhere. "No it's not your usual black tea--it's an herbal blend that should help your recovery, so I suggest you drink it anyway."

When he still seemed reluctant, she grabbed his hand and placed the cup in it to make him hold it. "I'm not going to have gone to all this trouble to save your life just to poison you with tea at least half a dozen people saw me making or on my way here with."

Honestly, he wasn’t sure he could stomach anything right now after hearing that. She’d made him drink her blood. The thought alone made him nauseous as he stared down at the tea whose fragrances were doing nothing to help settle his nausea.

L/N sat down next to him instead of retreating to a chair in the room or leaning against the wall, making Levi stiffen and shift away, glaring at her and about to tell her to get the hell away from him. She reached out with a hand to grasp his chin, which made Levi glare daggers at her and pull out of her grip, his free hand knocking her hand out of the way.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he seethed, on the brink of trying to clock her in the jaw if she didn’t get out and leave him alone.

“Checking something. Believe me, this is a quick exam you want me to make. I said there were risks for healing you the way I did, didn’t I?” she said seriously, her gaze sharp and analyzing as they swept across his features. The way she said it made him even more nauseous, the bad feeling settling deep into his gut.

She kept her hands off this time, though it also meant she got closer, staring intently into his eyes before she started asking questions.

“How’s the light? It’s not too much, causing any discomfort or headaches?” she asked, and it was at that point Levi realized the lighting in the room was all natural sunlight.

“No. A bit at first, not now,” he said shortly.

“Does your jaw hurt? Feel like there’s a stabbing pain, like a tooth trying to break through?”

“What? No.”

Levi leaned away from her, unsettled by the questions he was being asked as well as her close proximity. Surprisingly, she got to her feet with a small nod, closing her eyes and letting out a relieved little sigh. “Good. I just wanted to make sure.”

Levi’s gaze tracked her as she went back to the tea tray, trepidation bubbling up in his gut. “What were the risks?” Levi asked in a deceptively steady tone.

She hesitated in answering him, which was alarming in and of itself, but she ended up choosing not to try and hide it from him.

“If you’d died with my blood in your system, you would have turned into what I am.”

Levi felt numb, except for the painful pounding in his chest and the ring in his ears at her words, his breaths cutting against his lungs. She turned to face him, looking worried, but Levi spoke before she could say anything else.

“Get out.”

The words were heavy and harsh against the silence of the room, and she took another step forward with hesitation, her concern momentarily outweighing her caution.

“Get the fuck out,” he spat venomously, glaring at her to drive the point home. She withdrew into that shell of hers instantly, gathering up the few things she’d brought with her, but pausing with her hand on the doorknob, the wooden door partially closed behind her but still open enough to show her back. He couldn’t see her face, he could just see her hair, the back of her clothes, the corner of the tray.

“I really am glad that you’re alright, Captain. And relieved that you’re still human. I suppose I’ll see you soon after you recover.”

She left before he could throw any other scathing remarks her way, leaving him behind in the silence of his room as the reality of what happened in that warehouse started to press in on and crush him until it felt like the solid ground beneath his feet had disappeared and he couldn’t breathe.

Two days later, after Levi filled in a dubious Erwin on the reality of what Y/N L/N was hiding, it was quickly established that a proper interrogation was long overdue, especially since she was willing to cooperate and openly answer questions now. They just needed to wait until Levi recovered enough he could move around without drawing attention to his injuries. He’d already been a fast healer, but with L/N’s...help...he recovered in record time. Erwin didn’t say anything, but Levi suspected Erwin wondered if Levi had ever actually been hurt, considering he’d never even seen a wound from him.

Erwin hadn’t seen what Levi had seen, he didn’t have the visual proof, just Levi’s word. Even trusting Levi’s word wasn’t enough for this. They were going to have to do something to show him the validity of Levi’s claims.

Still, Erwin trusted him enough to arrange for the secret interrogation, one that was going to be done in the dungeons, with L/N handcuffed behind bars in a cell while Levi and Erwin stayed on the other side. Levi wasn’t sure how much good a few pieces of iron were going to be in holding her back, but it was the best they could do.

Well, that and something else that Levi expected massive resistance over.

True to her cooperation so far, L/N agreed on the secret meeting in the basement, the three of them rendezvousing in the dungeons in the middle of the day while most of the Scouts were out busy fulfilling duties or enjoying time off with their family or friends. Erwin had glanced between the two at the palpable, hostile tension coming from Levi and the attempt at indifference L/N seemed to be trying to exude in return to Levi’s hostility.

Erwin had already tried to suggest he do most of the talking, but Levi had turned him down flat. Normally, yes, he let Erwin take the lead for these kinds of things--but this had started to cross over into personal a while ago, and he had questions of his own he was going to have answered.

“Pardon the precaution, but if you don’t mind,” Erwin said politely, putting the cuffs on her before stepping aside and holding an arm out towards the cell that was currently open and waiting, a chair already situated on the other side of the bars for her to use.

Levi could have sworn he saw a flash of amusement in her eyes, which confirmed his theory the bars and cuffs did nothing but give an illusion of safety. Still, she went inside without a comment, picking up the chair and bringing it over to the wall, setting it with its back to the wall so she was facing the opposite stone wall instead of facing them directly on the other side of the bars. While she was adjusting her chair and taking her seat, Erwin shut and locked the door, taking up the seat facing the cell while Levi moved over to the bars, leering inside at her.

“We’ll be taking that necklace, too. So you don’t make a break for it in the meantime,” he added. As expected, she cast him a sharp look, the reluctance clear on her face. “Unless, of course, you were lying about being so cooperative.”

She cast him a dirty look at the clear attempt to back her into a corner where she would have to hand it over as a show of good faith, but to his mild surprise, she reached up and carefully undid the necklace she’d nearly killed him trying to get back in the warehouse, coming over to stand in front of him at the bars of the cell and holding it out for him to take. When his fingers closed around the medallion and he attempted to take it, her grip tightened instead of released, causing his gaze to narrow slightly at her as the silver chain went taut, and there was a brief spark in the tension between them both.

“I want that back,” she said seriously, holding his gaze for a few seconds more before she released it, the chain falling loosely against his knuckles with the ends left dangling past his closed fist.

“Depends on what we decide after you spin your tale,” Levi returned with a hint of a bite in his tone. Erwin sighed softly behind him at the antagonizing air between the two, but Levi ignored him, moving over to take up a spot leaning against the wall behind Erwin, finally able to get a good look at this special necklace for the first time. The chain and the border of the medallion were both silver, with strange engravings along the back of the silver medallion piece in symbols he didn’t recognize. The medallion, however, was simply a well-polished black fire opal. Besides that, there didn’t seem to be anything strange, magical, or supernatural about it. It just seemed like a fancy necklace.

“What’s so important about this necklace, anyway? I get it lets you go in the sun, but the way you reacted? There’s more to it than that,” Levi asked, gaze flickering back up to where L/N had retaken her seat in the cell as he tucked the necklace away into a different pocket than he had in the warehouse, just to keep her guessing in case things went south again.

“I’m going to lead this interrogation, Levi, remember?” Erwin reprimanded him steadily. Levi was unfazed.

“It’s as good a place to start as anything,” Levi said indifferently, eyes still fixated on L/N.

“Then you clearly didn’t think too long on the fact that it lets me walk in the sun,” she said with a sigh, turning her head to meet Levi’s gaze unflinchingly. “You could say that necklace is the physical manifestation of my freedom. Without it, I can’t go out in the daylight, yes. I can’t feel the sun. Can’t move around in the day and be part of society. Can’t live on the surface. Without it I’d be kicked back down into the Underground to try scraping by day after day with no way out, for an eternity. So yes, I reacted a little strongly when it was taken from me.”

Oh, she wasn’t holding back her verbal punches after that clear dig at him and his past. This was going to be an interesting interrogation, then. Levi also planned on putting her through the verbal wringer when it was his turn to field the questions to make sure she wasn’t hiding even a shred of dark intentions or ulterior motives. And poor Erwin was going to be smack in the middle of it.

“Let’s take a few steps back, so that everyone’s on the same page,” Erwin said in a voice that spoke volumes for the more mediatory role he was slowly getting pushed into. “Captain Levi’s seen all the evidence he needs to believe this shadow monster theory, but I’m finding it harder to believe without seeing anything to prove it, myself.”

“Vampire.”

“Sorry?”

“Vampire. Not shadow monster. There’s an actual name for what I am, even if the people within the walls seem to have forgotten it for some reason. I’m what’s called a vampire.”

“Vampire, then,” Erwin said patiently. “The problem still remains, though, that I find it hard to believe.”

“It is rather hard to believe, isn’t it?” she said, getting to her feet to look around the room idly, contemplating how she wanted to prove she was what she said she was--a vampire, apparently. She eventually picked up a fairly sizable piece of rock and snapped it in half with a display of strength that further solidified Levi’s thought that those bars and handcuffs did nothing to hold her back. Putting the sharp edge against the inside of her palm, she cut her hand open, angling it in Erwin’s direction so he could watch as the wound healed rapidly in front of them until all that was left was a bit of blood in her palm, not even a faint scar line. And no steam, like when a Titan regenerated. “Is that enough, for the time being? The only other things I can think of to prove I am what I say I am would only make me look a helluva lot more threatening and far less cooperative.”

Erwin had that familiar stoic mask in place as he processed the reality of what Levi had told him with that little display of tangible proof. At least Erwin had some mental preparation for what she was ahead of time--Levi just had it dumped on him all at once.

When he seemed to reach a point he was satisfied with, Erwin leaned forward, hands folded together and resting against his chin as a hard and serious light appeared in his eyes, focused on L/N on the other side of those bars.

“Levi has already filled me in on what he’s been able to observe, and what he’s heard from local legends. I’m of the opinion we should get some clarity from you--confirmation or denial on the accuracy of these details, anything we might be missing. That way we have a better understanding of who we’re dealing with.”

L/N looked away, Levi able to catch the briefest flash of resignation in her eyes as she chose to instead look at the wall across from her again. “Know thine enemy, correct?”

“Well...whether you’re our enemy or our ally has yet to be decided. Ideally, we’ll know after we finish talking.”

"What do you want to know?"

For the time being, Erwin took over the interrogation entirely while Levi acted the silent observer, giving her soft questions that were easy to answer and shedding light on the basics of what she was.

"Legends say you're immortal. Y/N Frazier supposedly died about forty years ago, which would make you--"

"Late sixties, approaching seventies. Except I don't age, so even though I've been around for that long, I'm frozen in my mid-twenties. I'll never get a day older."

"And the blood drinking?"

"Unfortunately very true. So long as I keep a healthy diet of blood in my system, I function like any other human being. Except, I don't actually need to eat and drink regular food to survive. It helps me look normal and blend in, I can still enjoy it, benefit from herbal teas, and eating and drinking regular food can help with...cravings."

"Levi’s noted that you go out once a week to satiate your hunger. That's quite a lot of people to have killed over forty years or longer, if you stuck with the once a week approach."

"It's the diet and lifestyle. I could go longer without it if I wasn't in a field where I'm likely to be around blood often and need to keep cravings tightly under control. Not to mention I'm not taking the best quality blood out there, which unfortunately means I need more across a shorter span of time because it doesn't keep me satisfied as long."

"Blood quality?"

"Yeah, the better quality blood, the stronger the vampire and the less often they need to feed. Animal blood could work in a tight spot, but it would be miserable, and it would be harder to resist human blood constantly denying that basic nature, so it's not an option for me. People that do a lot of drinking and drugs and other pollutants to their bodies have a lower quality blood, and surprisingly lifestyle has an impact as well. Certain bloodlines are...exceptional: top tier stuff, like perfectly curated tea leaves."

"And your...diet?"

"A lot of pollutants...bare minimum stuff. I try to single out people who thrive off the suffering of others, the people doing the really nasty stuff to others where they think no one is looking. Sometimes I'm rushed, and I don't always have the luxury of a full background check before targeting someone, but I have my standards and tricks for luring the worst people out. I have lines I don't want to cross. It satiates my hunger, but I could do better. I just refuse to feed off innocent people...like most vampires seem to do."

“What if you didn’t feed off anyone? What happens?”

“Slow and painful starvation over...I don’t know, decades, centuries? It’s not pleasant. Someone threatened me with it once and from what I understand its a very slow and agonizing decay over a very, very, very long period of time.”

"You mentioned how your diet can affect how strong you are--what does it affect? Levi’s already noticed you have keen senses, fast reflexes, strength, speed…"

"He's not wrong," she said softly. "One of my first days here I got in trouble for holding back on my fellow cadets. The problem is, if I don't hold back, someone could get seriously hurt. I can move faster than the average person--I could probably intercept an arrow, maybe even a bullet. Reflexes fall into that same category. I have enhanced senses, definitely. I can hear your heartbeats, and the heartbeats of the people above us, a mile out if I'm not focusing, a little further if I am. I've learned to sift through all the excess noise and focus on certain sounds or voices, or to block it out if I need to. Sight is much sharper than normal, too--as is smell."

Her gaze shifted to Levi, and she directly addressed him once more. "That's why you couldn't sneak up on me until I was in the Underground. Then I was distracted and blocking out the smells around me. Normally, though, you have a very distinct scent--not bad, just distinct--that I grew accustomed to picking up on. And sometimes the breeze carried it even further.”

Bold of her to address him. As he listened to her casually discuss her abilities and killing people, his expression had darkened, scowling deeply. Sure, he could give way on the matter of having to kill to survive. He could see that much now--at least she had to in order to survive so she didn’t die a slow and painful death, or hurt someone innocent by accident. But how casually she discussed it, how flippant she sounded talking about taking life--that didn’t sit well with him.

Now, however, as she discussed all of these strengths of hers, all these advantages she had over the rest of him, there was something else that was nagging at the back of his mind. He remembered the exhilaration in her eyes when she’d killed that Titan despite the close call Eld had in that exact moment, and how he’d been concerned she might not be taking it seriously. Yes, she’d told him when he was still dying that she joined to help, her intentions there had been pure--she’d felt she could find purpose coming to the Scouts, that maybe the death that followed her just so she could survive could mean something if she dedicated her life and abilities to serving a purpose greater than herself.

Hmm...maybe she did take all the killing she did to survive seriously. It was hard to tell with her. She was so flippant and casual talking about it now, but back then, there had been notes of something...deep and unsettling in her voice. An emotion that didn’t quite have a word to go with it, but revolved around the knowledge of so many people dying so you could live, and wanting to make sure it wasn’t for nothing.

Shit, now wasn’t the time to be sympathizing, he had a purpose here--he was here to seek out any ill intent, and he had to shove aside the sympathizing for her plight or anything else that crept up for later reflection. Right now was the time to dig in and search no matter how harsh he got with his questions.

And his current concern was that the situation that was life and death, horror and tragedy for the rest of them, was nothing more than a game, a simple change of pace, mere exercise for her. From the sound of it, between her regeneration and all these enhanced senses, strength, reflexes, speed, all of it, it was like she was fucking invincible. There was no real risk for her like there was for the rest of them. All this struggle and sacrifice and suffering from the people around her, and she had nothing to lose, there was no real threat towards her, personally--she didn’t even have to put any effort into it.

Their life and death struggle was like a game to her.

It pissed him off the more he thought about it, until he couldn’t keep a lid on it anymore.

And her directly addressing him like that gave him the opportunity to let the first accusation fly.

Voice low and deadly, chilling as ice, Levi’s hard gaze drilled into her from where he was leaning against the stone wall of the dungeon. “It’s not even a real risk to you is it, going out there where the rest of us struggle, suffer, and die? Just a fucking game for you with how fucking invincible you are, from the sounds of it--”

Her eyes flashed, and her voice grew colder to match his chilly tone as she cut him off before he could get too far with his accusation.

“It’s still a risk for me, too. Maybe not as great, maybe I have a better chance, but it still would only take one wrong step. Unlike a Titan, I can’t grow back a full limb. I don’t age, but I can still die. Some deaths, okay, fine, I’ll come back from it. I’ll come back from a bullet to the brain, or suffocating to death, or a stab through the heart with a blade. I can’t come back from decapitation. Just one bite in the wrong place, and I’m just as fucked as anyone else in that situation,” she said bitingly, taking a deep breath to try and calm down, her tone losing some of its chilling edge as she continued. “It doesn’t help that my reactions play out faster than the ODM gear can function. While everyone else was learning how to properly operate the ODM gear and balance and react and all that, I had to focus more on slowing down for the gear than anything else, because if I react too fast at the wrong time, and the ODM gear skips something I was trying to do because I did it too fast, I could sail right into the thing’s arm or mouth. I might not have been putting in the same kind of effort in the same places as everyone else, but that doesn’t mean there’s not any effort being put in by me, doesn’t mean that I don’t have to be careful as well, that there’s no risk. Hell, one of my greatest fears is something catching that necklace and causing it to come off in the middle of the day on an expedition. I’d be fucked, dead in seconds with no shade for protection. There’s risk for me, too, even if it's a different kind of risk.”

While Levi put her monologue aside for later to mull over, letting it soothe his concerns that she wasn’t taking the expeditions seriously for the time being, Erwin leapt for the reins of the interrogation again.

“So far you have given the impression of invincibility, though. His concern is justified,” Erwin said diplomatically, and she sighed, visibly calming herself down again.

“I’m not invincible. I have rules and limitations just like everyone else,” she mumbled, leaning her head back against the stone wall.

“Like?”

Her eyes flickered over to Erwin. “You can understand why I’m hesitant to be forthcoming about that kind of information.”

“Too bad,” Levi said flatly. “You agreed to talk and answer questions. If you don’t answer them, we’ll have to assume the worst.”

And if she wasn’t willing to tell them how she wasn’t invincible, they would have to assume she didn’t want them knowing how to stop her, which would mean she was actually planning something sinister.

“Vampire or not, it's never a comfortable thing telling someone exactly how to kill or stop you,” she mumbled, running a hand through her hair, an uncomfortable look on her face before she reluctantly began to speak.

“I already mentioned being out in the sun unprotected for too long can kill me. So can decapitation. A wooden stake to the heart for some reason kills a vampire. So does burning alive. I already said that I can’t grow back limbs--my regeneration is slowed down if I’m near death or haven’t fed in a while. Vice-versa, I heal faster when I’m well fed or I’m feeding. Oh, here’s a weird one--I can’t enter a living space for a human being unless I’m invited in. Community places that people rotate out of like inns or the barracks are a grey spot, I can go in there, but private homes, property, anything that is the private living space of a human being I can’t enter without being invited.”

Wait a second...She has to be fucking joking, right?

She was just in his bedroom the other day--she’d carried him back to his office, to his living quarters, without being invited inside. She’d been in and out of his office running errands for him.

But that first time, when she’d first been made an aid...he’d thought it was odd, but he’d assumed she was trying to be polite but had pushed it to annoying levels. He distinctly remembered how she’d waited until he had said the words come in before she entered his office for the first time. She’d been waiting for him to truly invite her in instead of making some vague noise or answering with a simple, yes, what, whatever it was he felt at the time. After that she hadn’t waited for another come in, she’d just entered his office like a normal person.

He’d had a safe space, a barrier she couldn’t cross between her and him, a place she couldn’t enter unless he allowed it, and unknowingly, he had thrown away that layer of protection. She’d been well aware that was what he was doing, too.

He felt like some part of his privacy had been invaded, knowing that she shouldn’t be able to enter his office and bedroom, but because of that one time he had invited her in without understanding the consequences, he wasn’t going to get that safe space back.

Her gaze wandered over to Levi, spotting the angry look on his face, and she jumped to her own defense before he could voice it.

“Before you get angry about me being invited into your office, I wasn’t exactly given much of a choice considering I was given a job where that protection barrier was going to come down at some point. How else was I going to be your aid if I couldn’t come into your office to deliver something or pick something up? The moment I was made your squad’s aid, it was something that couldn’t be helped.” She sighed. “It’s not something I’ve taken advantage of, and I have no intention of doing so in the future, if that makes you feel any better. But future reference--a good way to keep a vampire out and to maybe pick out a vampire, is to stay vague when letting people into your private spaces. Don’t outright tell them to come in--just imply it. A vampire needs specific, verbal permission to come inside, anyone else can just walk right in. It’s a good habit to have.”

“Anything else?” Erwin prompted before Levi could do anything more but sulk in the background at the revelation that he’d let a vampire into his office and now he couldn’t do anything to take that back.

“Yes--something rather major, actually.” She got up from her seat and walked over to the bars of the cell, leaning casually forward against them and centered her gaze, once again, on Levi. “Ever since Petra had me start making your tea, I’ve spiking it--”

He knew he should have thrown out that tea!

“How the hell is that supposed to be reassuring?” Levi fumed, cutting her off before she could finish. As if finding out about the being invited in thing wasn’t bad enough!

“Let me finish before you bite my head off,” she said with a slight scowl. “I’ve been spiking the tea with white sage. The reason I’ve been doing that is because it protects a person from vampires. It's practically poison to a vampire. It burns the hell out of us if it touches our skin, it's like swallowing acid if we consume it. Anyone who has white sage in their system, a vampire can’t safely bite. Ingesting it will cause enough pain to knock them out, if they ingest enough. At the very least it will incapacitate them long enough to try to bolt or fight back.”

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Why spike my tea?”

“Well, first of all, access. You're the one whose drinks I’ve had access to. Secondly...remember what I said about certain bloodlines being exceptional?” She let that comment hang in the air, staring at him until she saw realization spark in his eyes. His blood--his blood was one of the exceptional ones that would make her stronger if she partook. “An exceptional bloodline also means it’s harder to resist. I did it as a precaution. It’s a damn good thing I did, too.”

When she was trying to save his life. Her eyes, the noises she made, how much she seemed to be struggling, and yet she didn’t so much as lick the blood off her fingers. Because when she started making his tea, she’d made his blood poisonous to her so she couldn’t bite him, even if she lost control.

He...didn’t know how to feel about that.

As infuriated as he was at the thought of her purposely tampering with his drinks and violating the gesture of trust it had been to even allow her to make his tea by spiking his drinks, it had been done to protect him--and it already had protected him. Even if he hadn’t known it at the time.

It wasn’t like she could tell him she was adding white sage to his drinks to prevent her from accidentally killing him some day because his blood was too tempting to resist. She’d been trying to hide this whole other world, trying to keep her true nature secret--it wasn’t like she could tell him she was going to add white sage to his drinks to protect him.

Don’t think about it too much right now, just absorb the information and move on--how you feel about it can come later, he chastised himself again, once more shutting down the stirrings of sympathy for her that was egged on by these little bits of extra information they were receiving about what she’d actually been doing in the background all this time.

He still had to press some of her buttons to answer a few more questions. There were still a few questions he had, and he wanted to see how she would react under stress. If they could trust her to keep a lid on her emotions and keep from losing control.

That seemed to be a running theme for her. Control. If she couldn’t keep control of herself, someone could end up seriously hurt.

He’d already almost bled to death in front of her, so that was one trial by fire she’d already passed. However, he wanted to test out a different kind of self-restraint. From the sound of it, with all these abilities of hers, she could accidentally kill someone in a fit of rage.

So...did she have enough discipline to keep a tight grip on her own leash? If anyone was going to test the theory, he was probably the best person to do so, and now was the time.

Keeping that cold and indifferent exterior he’d kept up through this entire discussion, Levi spoke up after a few moments of silence passed, likely from Erwin giving Levi a chance to pursue the discussion about her spiking his tea.

Levi was about to derail this entire interrogation.

"You sure know how to paint yourself as the well-intentioned victim.” Levi’s chilling tone echoed around the suddenly silent dungeon, his gaze boring down on her without a hint of the sympathy that kept getting stirred up from hearing about the situation she was in, the way she viewed things. It was just cold indifference he was projecting towards her. “The only problem is, I don't think someone who isn't above slaughtering her own best friend is anything close to a victim, let alone someone to be trusted.”

She stiffened as he brought up Victoria, her own demeanor rapidly shifting away from that casual posture she’d been keeping this entire time to someone who was ready for a fight. Levi kept pressing on, sensing he might have found what he was looking for.

“If you're not above that, how the hell are we supposed to take your word for any of this? How could we possibly trust anything you have to say?"

Her posture was rigid, eyes holding anger and her teeth grit even as she tried to take a calming breath and answer in an even tone. Erwin, meanwhile, was giving Levi a sidelong look, trying to glean what Levi hoped to find by so clearly antagonizing her.

“I get that you're doing your job and you’re trying to figure out the kind of threat I pose, I get that you don’t trust me and you’re assuming the worst, but for god’s sake ask instead of assuming you know something when you clearly don’t understand anything about it except what I tell you.”

Her eyes flashed dangerously at the end towards Levi, a bite in her voice most people wouldn’t dare to use when talking to him. Even behind bars, even when she was the one in the position to be interrogated, she didn’t hesitate to bite back, showing a surprisingly strong spirit despite that timid exterior she’d been projecting in public all this time.

He just needed to push a little further, and he could probably coax a reaction out of her. Hopefully, she really was in control of herself and it wouldn’t result in anything deadly. If she didn’t have control of herself...well, hopefully the bars would delay her enough to allow him to react fast enough and intercept her.

"It's a legitimate question. If you've been struggling with this violent nature of yours since you were born, and you've already hurt people like Victoria, what’s to say you won't hurt anyone else? That you won't snap, lose control--that we won't be next?"

Bringing up Victoria by name was like he’d said some kind of trigger word. Her voice dripped with freezing venom, even as deep-running hurt flashed in her eyes, proving that she was, in fact, lashing out.

He finally found a button that set her off, information spilling out of her in a torrent of unbridled emotion stirred up by his brisk, accusatory statement.

"Vampires aren’t born, Captain, they’re made. Which means a few decades ago I was just as human as you. Just a regular carpenter’s daughter living in Wall Rose in a no name town, where I probably would have married, had kids, and died in obscurity if I hadn’t been caught in the rain one night and crossed paths with the worst person I could have stumbled upon."

Her cold voice paused, all that chilling intensity focused on Levi and Levi alone, Erwin temporarily forgotten amidst the verbal back and forth they were caught in. Her words were meant for only him, and she didn't hold back on any perceived courtesy anymore.

“Do you know how a vampire’s made, Captain? It got mentioned when we talked briefly after you woke up," she said in an almost mocking tone to go with her rhetorical question. Realization was stirring in the back of his mind as he remembered what that risk had been in saving his life, but she pressed on before the full implications of that fact could settle in. “A human being has to die with vampire blood in their system. And then they have to drink human blood to finish the transformation. I may not know the specifics, if you have to be dead for a certain period of time before the blood makes you a vampire instead of just heals you, if you have to drink from a human in a set time limit--I don’t know any of that. I didn’t get an explanation. There was no induction, no passing comment, not even a hint that I wasn’t human anymore. I woke up unable to remember the night before thinking I was simply sick after catching a cold in the rain, and I went to my parent’s house because it felt like the kind of sick I wanted someone to keep an eye on me for in case it got really bad.”

Details of that "double homicide" flashed in Levi’s mind rapidly, and he felt sick to his stomach as the missing information she provided started to fill in the gaps and bring the larger image into focus in his mind. As schooled as his expression was, she was staring at him so intently that the realization in his eyes didn't escape her notice.

“Now it’s clicking. That night before the double homicide Y/N Frazier is now famous for in that town? I was murdered. And because I had no explanation or understanding of what was happening to me, I didn’t know to stay away from the people I cared about. So when Victoria came to visit me…”

She swallowed and looked away when her voice wavered at the end, trying to hide the sudden flash of vulnerability and remorse that came with a haunting memory.

But then her eyes flashed again, and she glared at Levi from the other side of the bars.

“So no, Captain, I didn’t ask for this, and it's not as simple as being born like this. It was done to me. I never had a choice. Maybe try to keep that in mind in the future when you’re fishing for answers instead of blindly accusing me of something.”

Well aware that he’d crossed some kind of boundary after that acidic spiel from her, Levi refrained from poking at what happened that night any further. He needed to back off that subject--a lot of these subjects, actually--and do some thinking before he said anything else.

As for the interrogation...

One more push, one more time antagonizing her, and he’d back off if it didn't yield anything.

"You still haven't answered my question," Levi said curtly. And she hadn't. Instead of answering if she was a threat to them,, she'd gone on a long-winded spiel about her past and how he was making wild accusations.. "All the good intentions in the world won't change the fact that you're a threat to us. Are you?"

She made a noise of frustration, teeth grinding together in a barely restrained growl of frustration before she stepped back from the cell bars, snapped the chain on the handcuffs without a second thought, clawing the cuff parts off like wet paper and letting them fall to the ground. Levi straightened up from the wall as she reached for the bars of the cell, stepping in front of Erwin protectively with his arm held out in warning as she bent the bars aside to step right through with a bit of bending and wiggling. Behind his back, Levi had drawn a knife and was holding it firmly in hand, even if, given the information they’d just received, it wouldn’t do much long-term good. But it could at least slow her down.

She didn’t move any closer, but Levi wasn’t assured--if anything, he was on edge now, heart rate picking up as they stared each other down.

“Yeah, that’s reassuring--so you’re an unpredictable threat,” Levi said scathingly. His grip shifted on the knife, flipping it around to a more comfortable position and a better grip he could use to lash out quickly and without warning. Erwin shifted slightly behind him, but considering Levi couldn’t see him with his attention focused on L/N, he didn’t know how Erwin was reacting to the situation besides that slight shift after seeing Levi’s grip showing he was ready to act.

“Because I am.”

That...was not an answer he’d been expecting. His head tilted slightly to the side, eyebrows raising. She didn’t look like she’d suddenly gone crazy. If anything, she just looked exasperated right now.

Throwing a hand aside as if to gesture to the hole she’d just made in the cell bars, a short, bittersweet laugh escaping her. “Fucking hell, don’t ever treat a vampire as anything less, because if they are a threat and you give them the benefit of the doubt, its too late. I get the reaction and intention to treat me as nothing more than a monstrous threat, it’s a healthy reaction, it’s a reaction that would give you a chance against a vampire that didn’t have good intentions, which is most of them. But if I was really after you I would have just done it and left by now. I wouldn’t be wasting my time sitting here giving you the best explanation I can muster and enduring the accusations. And I wouldn’t be going to the lengths that I have to take the necessary precautions to make sure I don’t accidentally hurt someone ever again, especially someone in the Scouts.”

Levi’s grip on the knife behind his back relaxed, and he slowly started to slide it back into its holster, both him and L/N taking a few breaths in the tense silence and gradually calming down from the mood that had tipped towards explosive.

“Look…” she said in a sharp exhale, gaze sliding between Levi directly in front of her, and what she could see of Erwin behind him. “I can’t tell you that I’m not a risk, because it would be a lie. Your question shouldn’t be am I a risk, but am I a risk you’re willing to take. If not...I’ll go quietly, try to find another purpose, I guess. But I would like to stay, and do what I can, here.”

Behind Levi, Erwin got to his feet, putting a hand on Levi’s shoulder as a silent way to tell him to stand down for the time being, stepping up to the woman in front of them, studying her head to toe. She let him do so, meeting his gaze unwaveringly despite its intensity.

“Levi, let L/N here have her necklace back. I think I’ve heard all I need to for now.”

Levi didn’t flinch, didn’t hesitate, didn’t so much as give Erwin a sideways glance. He simply pulled the necklace out of the pocket he’d stowed it in, holding it out for L/N to take. She did so hesitantly, looking between Erwin and Levi with an unsure expression on her face, like she wasn’t sure if it was a trick or a test.

“Go back to your duties--I’m sure the rest of Levi’s squad has plenty for you to do while we make our decision,” Erwin said simply, turning to Levi and nodding towards the exit of the dungeon to signal that they were going to leave together.

“I’ll...fix the bars, first,” she said awkwardly, standing in place as they turned to leave like she didn’t know what to do with herself, necklace still in hand instead of around her neck.

She was just as socially awkward as she was sharp when she needed to be. Underneath that timid hesitation when it came to being around people, to trying to be a part of society again, there was one hell of a strong personality. It was like being entranced by the delicate petals atop a rose and then realizing when you wrapped your hand around its stem just how thorn-covered it actually was.

That’s what she was. Not an enigma--a rose, one with soft but vibrant petals and leaves, but sharp thorns running all the way down the stem that wouldn’t hesitate to pierce skin and draw blood.

Erwin turned to give her a small smile, adding in the slightest nod. “Please. A cell with a hole in it doesn’t do us much good,” he commented humorously before leading the way for him and Levi out of the dungeon.

Now he could let himself consider everything he’d heard. And he could already tell it was not going to be easy.

In his mind, the decision between whether or not to let her stay was made. What was left was to process everything they’d learned and figure out how to move forward. And in Levi’s case, how to make reparations.

Next Chapter---->

Levi Tags: @humanitys-hottestsoldier @clary-quinn @sunny-flo @whalerus @thirstyforsometea

Wings in the Dark Tags: @regalillegal @animeluver23 @theshylittleelfgirl @queenthorin1 @dilucs-thighs @sociallyanxiousmouse@subtlepjiminie @hakunamatatayqueen @queenofcurse @linxiajei17

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obeyme-kaidii-writes · 4 years

Text

Chances

Mammon x gn!MC

Words - 5245

Content warnings - lots of angst, cheating, no smut, lots of comfort

Prompt/Inspiration - none

Summary - You and Mammon start to drift away from each other, and a drunken mistake forces you both to have a very difficult conversation.

AO3

Mammon had just made the biggest mistake of his life.

Which is honestly saying something when taking into consideration his age and tendency to make frequent stupid mistakes. But this one was far worse than anything he had ever done before. And the minute he was done, he knew just how badly he had fucked up. If he thought it would do any good at all, he would have gone to Lord Diavolo and Barbatos and begged, groveling if necessary, to go back in time and stop himself from doing this.

Ordinarily, he would go to you when he needed help getting himself out of a tight spot. But this wasn’t the sort of thing you could help with. It wasn’t something anyone could help with, really. He briefly considered just not telling you, but he knew the guilt would eat him alive. No matter how he looked at it, he was going to have to talk to you.

But where would he even begin? Should he start with how he’s been feeling for the past month? Or just the incident from earlier in the week? Or should he just cut to the chase and say exactly what he did? He didn’t want to make excuses for himself, but at the same time he wanted you to understand how this all happened. It wasn’t because he didn’t love you, and he wanted to make sure you knew that more than anything. You could think he was stupid, selfish, a total scumbag - but he wouldn’t be able to live with it if you thought he didn’t love you.

And oh did he love you. So much. More than he ever thought possible. More than himself, more than Goldie, more than all the riches in all three realms combined. There was only one thing that would satisfy his Greed now - and that was you.

That’s why it hurt so much when he felt you pulling away from him. He wasn’t sure how it happened exactly, either. Only that it was a slow process where he lost you little by little. The first thing he noticed was that you weren’t laughing with him as much as you used to. Instead you’d roll your eyes and ignore him. The next thing that caught his attention was when you stopped standing up for him in front of his brothers. Up until then, you were always quick to put an end to their shit when they’d try to pin all their problems on Mammon. But then one day...you just didn’t.

That was probably the first big red flag that he was unable to rationalize away. And after that, he noticed dozens of other little things - how you stopped saving his seat at dinner, you didn’t wait for him to walk home from RAD, when you canceled movie nights without a reason.

He wanted to talk about it, he knew he should. He knew that’s what you would want. But he just couldn’t make himself take that final step. Partly because he felt he had to have done something to upset you and that’s why you were acting this way...and partly because he was afraid of what you’d say. Afraid that you’d tell him you didn’t love him anymore, or even just confirm that it was all his fault, that you were tired of dealing with him.

So he bottled it up, and shoved it down, and tried to ignore that lonely, empty feeling. But the longer he went without talking about it, the worse he felt, and the angrier he got. Couldn’t you see he was trying? Why didn’t you appreciate his efforts? Did you have any idea the things he’d given up, the changes he made, all to make you happy? To make you proud of him?

Until finally he started to pull away too. He stopped crawling into your bed at night. Stopped buying you little trinkets. Didn’t invite you out as frequently. Started spending more time out partying again, trying to keep his mind off you.

And it was one of those late nights out at The Fall that started him down this path he was now clueless as to how to escape from.

Before he had even left the House of Lamentation, he knew what he was going to do - he was going to break up with you. It just hurt too much to be constantly rejected, avoided, and ignored when he was expecting you to be there for him. When it felt like you should be there. Too afraid to try to talk things out, he decided this was the only thing to be done. He would leave you before you had the chance to leave him.

But first, he needed some liquid courage. He didn’t want to be completely hammered, he still needed to be coherent enough to tell you what he wanted to say. He just needed some help working up the courage to knock on your door.

It was then, while he was enjoying his third glass of Demonus, that he was approached by a beautiful demon. Of course, he didn’t think they could hold a candle to you, but there was no denying that they were attractive. And what better way to help himself relax than by giving himself over to his more demonic...urges? He was about to break up with you anyways. So what did it matter if he got a little frisky on the dance floor with someone else? Plus, knowing there were others that were still considered him desirable was a huge confidence booster, something he desperately needed right then.

Thinking back, he could see that this was the moment when he should have just turned around and left and went straight to you. Because maybe if he had talked to you right then, everything still could have been salvaged. He would be able to tell you how he felt, and you could tell him how you felt, and everything would just...work out.

But that’s not what he did.

Instead, he took this demon’s hand and let them lead him out to the dance floor. Right to the middle of all the action. With so many bodies pressed together, and so little light, it didn’t take long at all before he lost himself in the music and the feeling of them grinding against him. Soon, his hands had found their way to their waist, and they encouraged him to let them roam. Under the hem of their dress. Pushing the straps on their shoulders aside for better access to their neck. Teasing the edge of the V on the neckline of their outfit.

Mammon didn’t think he had been that drunk. But the combination of music, alcohol, and heat was overwhelming. So he didn’t hesitate when the demon asked if he wanted to get a private room. He didn’t hesitate when they pushed him down on the sofa. And he didn’t hesitate when they began undoing the buckle on his pants. All he could think about was how he wanted more, more, MORE. Something, anything , to fill that hole you had left inside him.

And then it was all over.

He was left in the room by himself. His partner not bothering to help him get cleaned up or get dressed. Wholly unconcerned with how he would get home, if he managed to get home at all. They had gotten what they wanted - a fun romp with a powerful demon - and now they could brag to all their friends about how they absolutely ruined Mammon, Avatar of Greed.

The cool air on his bare skin began to return Mammon to his senses. And the more he sobered up, the more he hated himself, and the harder he cried. Silent tears, just streaming down his face, getting caught in his ears. He missed you so badly. You were always so tender and affectionate with him. You spoiled him. And this...it had been the opposite of everything he loved about you, and he felt so hollow, so dirty , the longer he thought about it.

Why had he thought that talking to you would be so scary? What made him think breaking up with you would have been so much easier? How did he manage to convince himself that this would give him courage?

Mammon wasn’t sure how long he laid there, staring at the ceiling and reflecting on where exactly it had all gone wrong. He didn’t remember getting himself dressed again either. And by the time he had returned to the House of Lamentation, he just felt numb . There was no point in delaying the inevitable, so he shuffled his way to your room, careful to avoid disturbing his brothers, and knocked on your door.

When you saw him standing there, unsteady on his feet, reeking of booze, clothes absolutely filthy and unkempt, your eyes went wide. And then a moment later you had flung your arms around his neck, hugging him close.

“I’m so glad you’re ok!” you whispered in his ear. Mammon was stunned. He didn’t know how to react. Should he hug you? Is that the appropriate reaction for someone who was about to shatter your heart into a million pieces?

“C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up,” you said, releasing Mammon, only to tug gently on his hand and lead him inside your room. He sat obediently on the edge of your bed, still trying to work out what he’s supposed to do next, as you gathered up a fresh change of clothes for him, and a couple damp washcloths to clean away all the grime.

You couldn’t even begin to fathom what sort of trouble Mammon had gotten himself into this time. Did he start a bar fight? Refuse to pay for his drinks? It didn’t really matter to you though. You had been trying to reach him since earlier that afternoon and his DDD kept going to voicemail, and all your texts were ignored. You were just glad he was alive and in one piece, you’d deal with the fallout from whatever this was later.

When you went to remove Mammon’s shirt, he finally reacted, grabbing your wrist and halting your movements. He still hadn’t figured out what to say, but he knew if you removed his shirt, it really would be all over. You’d see the evidence, marked all over his body.

“Mammon? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

You knelt down on the floor in front of him, trying to catch his eye, as he was refusing to look at you. When you brought your other hand up to gently caress the one that was holding your wrist, he finally looked at you. Why were you so tender to him? Even now? Even when it was clear he must have done something absolutely awful?

And that was all it took for the tears to start to flow again. Mammon let go of you, just to bury his face in his own hands as he tried to curl up into a ball from where he sat. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go! He was supposed to be mad at you! He was supposed to march into your room, and tell you things were over! Why was he now sitting on your bed, while you rubbed his arms, as he cried harder than he ever had cried before?

“Hey, sweetheart, what happened?” you asked softly, your concern only mounting the longer you spent with him as you watched him unravel. Mammon had always been on the emotional side, but this was beyond any reaction you had seen from him before. Carefully you moved to sit on your bed next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders as he continued to cry.

“I’m sorry. So sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry,” he choked out between sobs and gasping for breath.

“Shhhhh, we’ll talk about it later. We’ll figure it out.”

You had started running your fingers through his hair, something you knew that he loved, before gently pulling him to you so that his head rested on your lap and his body curled up on the bed.

Mammon hated himself more and more with each passing second. He knew he shouldn’t be letting you do this. He knew it was wrong of him to let you comfort him. He knew that he was just taking advantage of your kindness. But he just couldn’t help himself. He hadn’t been able to spend quality time with you in weeks, and laying here like this, your fingers running through his hair while you whispered soothing words in his ear, was just what he had been wanting. So even though each motion of your hand felt like a barb to his heart, he stayed and soaked up that feeling. This would be the last time you ever touched him, wouldn’t it?

As Mammon rested in your lap, you realized how much you had missed this. He had been so busy, for what felt like months, and no matter what you did your schedules never seemed to match up. You knew that was partly your fault though. You had been avoiding him to a degree.

When you had first started dating him, everything had been amazing. He lavished you in love and attention. You gave him your whole heart, your entire being - and he returned your affections in full. There wasn’t time for anything else, the two of you were enamored with each other. Obsessed, even.

But after awhile, you started to become aware of tiny little things that started working their way under your skin, grating on your nerves. On movie nights, he stopped asking if you’d be there. It wasn’t that he just assumed you would since it was your custom, but he didn’t even tell you he was looking forward to it or...anything. In fact, he hardly texted you at all now. Unless he wanted something.

Before, it wasn’t unusual to find the two of you with dopey grins on your faces, sitting in the same room, sending each other all manner of adorable and ridiculous messages. And he always had a word of praise for you. Even if it was simple things like how he enjoyed the way you smiled at him that day during class. But those compliments had just dried up too.

You tried a few times to send sexier texts, just to tempt him and get him to respond, but those were also ignored, aside from a flirty demoji. He just didn’t seem to have time for you anymore.

The breaking point for you was one day at RAD, when you were waiting for him to walk home with you. He was late. Very, very late. You tried calling him, he didn’t answer. And when he finally appeared, he acted like nothing was wrong. He didn’t apologize or offer an explanation. He just grabbed your hand and started heading home, talking about his day like he hadn’t just left you standing at the entrance to the school for 30 minutes.

That’s when you decided to pull back a bit. Just a little. You just wanted him to notice all you did for him so he’d stop taking you for granted. You were expecting him to ask you about it, or to take a step towards you and initiate things for a change.

But...he never did.

He never breathed a word of it to you. He didn’t ask you what was wrong. He didn’t pick up the slack. He just let you drift away. And the less he said to you, the further away you pulled, until the two of you hardly saw each other at all.

You were at the point now where just the sight of him made your heart break, especially when you’d catch him laughing or smiling with anyone else. It was like a slap in the face - he was still happy without you. He didn’t miss you. He didn’t need you. For all those words of love and promises of eternity, you were just another passing distraction. You had served your purpose. And now, he was simply no longer interested in you.

Today, you had decided to finally talk to him about it. You didn’t think you could survive much longer in this relationship limbo you currently found yourself in. You needed answers or...well, you didn’t want to think about the or. You still loved him. But you were starting to think he didn’t love you, even if you didn’t want to believe it and refused to let yourself admit it.

When he first ignored your calls, you assumed he was just avoiding you, maybe even playing hard to get. Which you felt was fair, given how you had been behaving recently, not that that made it any easier to stomach. The longer he went without contacting you though, the more concerned you grew. Until he finally showed up at your door looking like death warmed over. And as soon as you saw him, nothing else seemed to really matter.

After awhile, Mammon’s breathing had finally begun to even out and you could tell his crying had stopped. He didn’t move to sit up though, and you didn’t stop running your fingers lovingly through his hair. It seemed both of you knew that whatever happened next wasn’t going to be pleasant. You still needed to talk to him, and he still needed to confess to you.

“...I made a mistake…” Mammon finally mumbled into your lap, tightening his grip around your legs. He was going to hold on for as long as he possibly could.

“What sort of mistake?” you asked, in a quiet, gentle voice.

“...a really...really...bad one…” he choked out, fighting back his tears.

“Tell me about it. We can fix it together.”

“...no...you can’t...you can’t fix this…”

“You won’t know for sure unless you tell me.”

“...someone…”

“Did someone hurt you?”

“...no...I...I...was...with...someone…”

“You were with some…?” you inhaled sharply as you finally began to understand what he was getting at. The hand that was combing through his hair stilled, but you didn’t push him away. You didn’t know what to do. Was this why he had been so distant? Why he started avoiding you too? Why he let you drift away? Because he had found someone else to take your place…? The thought of it made you sick. But why was he sobbing into your lap, desperately clinging to you if he had already decided to replace you?

Not knowing what else to do, you resumed running your fingers through Mammon’s hair. You felt him flinch under your touch, but he still didn’t move. It was obvious he didn’t want to leave. And you...you didn’t want him to leave either. Not yet. Because the moment he did get up, and he did leave...that would be it. As long as he stayed here, holding you like this, you both could pretend that everything wasn’t as bad as it was for just a little bit longer.

Maybe it was the fact that your disposition made you naturally good in a crisis, but for whatever reason, you were calm. Irrationally so. Anyone else in your position would have shoved Mammon to the floor by now, and chased him from their room. But you didn’t. You were doing the unthinkable - you were comforting him. And all you could think about was finally getting the answers to the questions that had been plaguing you for over a month now.

“Do you think we could start from the beginning?” you asked.

“The beginning…?”

“Yeah, like why did you go out tonight? Or when did all this start? The beginning. Whatever it is.”

“Umm...I…” Mammon stumbled over his words. Where did he even begin? Where was the beginning anyways? His heart was so mixed up. And even though he was sober now, he still couldn’t get his thoughts to focus.

“Just start somewhere, ok? We can piece it together as you go.”

Mammon took a deep breath, steadying himself, before finally continuing, “I was...going to break up with ya tonight. That’s why I went out. I didn’t...I didn’t mean for this…” now that he had started talking, he was finding it easier to get his words out. He still had so much to answer for and so much to explain, and if you wanted to know, telling you was the least he could do.

“After...I...I knew I messed up. That’s why...why I came here…”

“...why did you want to break up with me?”

Mammon’s admission of cheating hadn’t really bothered you. Perhaps you were just rationalizing it, but if he was planning on leaving you, then you weren’t really sure it could be counted as cheating. At least not in the same way as if he had stepped out in the middle of your relationship and had been trying to have his cake and eat it too.

What really bothered you was the fact that he was even planning on breaking up with you in the first place.

The thought that maybe he didn’t love you anymore briefly crossed your mind, but you had a growing suspicion that it was more than that. Something told you that you were somehow responsible for this. That your attempts at getting him to appreciate you had actually hurt him, instead of their intended effect. That if you had just talked to him sooner…

“...I thought ya didn’t want me anymore…” Mammon’s voice trailed off. He hadn’t said that out loud before, and it hurt far worse than he was expecting it to. It was like now that he had said it, it made it real. It wasn’t just something he feared or worried about. Now, it was simply a fact.

“Wh…? Why would you think that…?” you asked, but you knew why. You knew exactly why he thought that. You had done such a good job of pushing him away, after all.

“You just...stopped laughin’. Like ya didn’t have fun with me...like ya preferred my brothers. Jus’...seemed like ya...were tired of me…”

By now, you had started crying. You tried to muffle your sobs with the hand that wasn’t still carding through Mammon’s hair, but you were unsuccessful. As soon as Mammon realized, he immediately sat up and turned to face you. He wanted to comfort you, to hug you. But it didn’t seem like the sort of thing you’d want from him right now.

When Mammon sat up, all you could do was stare at him, both hands clamped over your mouth. The reality of what you had done was finally starting to hit you, and all you could feel was overwhelming guilt. Why didn’t you just talk to him first?? Why did you wait so long to talk at all?? You hadn’t accomplished anything that you had set out to do - you had only hurt the one person who mattered most to you.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so so so sorry.”

What else was there to say really? How would you explain that you had done those things...intentionally?

Mammon started to reach out to you, instinctively wanting to hold you, but then he froze with his hands hovering halfway between you, not wanting to do anything that would make you uncomfortable. You didn’t hesitate to return the gesture though. And soon he had you pulled into his lap, straddling him, while you hugged one another, with your arms around his neck.

“I thought you were sick of me .”

“Why the hell would ya think that?”

“...you stopped texting me. And there was that one day at RAD…”

“Huh?”

You pulled back from Mammon a bit so that you could sit up and face him, resting your hands on his shoulders, “There was one day I was waiting for you after school. I had to be waiting there for 30 minutes at least, before you finally showed up. And you didn’t say anything. You never told me why. You never apologized...and I just…I just felt like you were taking me for granted.”

It wasn’t difficult for Mammon to remember that day. He had been so happy to see you waiting for him, even after he had taken so long to get ready. You still waited. Part of him just assumed you knew, that saying those things was unnecessary, because you always seemed to know what he was trying to say.

“I was happy to see ya. I’m always happy to see ya.” Mammon tucked a stray hair behind your ear before cupping your cheek tenderly with one of his hands and wiping away what tears he could reach with his thumb. You closed your eyes and just held his hand to you, enjoying the feeling of the warmth on your skin. Why hadn’t you just talked to him sooner?

You knew the next part of your story was going to be hard to hear, and even harder for you to admit. But it needed to be said, probably more than anything else.

“So umm...I decided to...kinda play hard to get I guess? I thought if I wasn’t as available, if you had time to miss me, that you would appreciate me more. Except...you didn’t...so…” silent tears had started running down your cheeks and you couldn’t bring yourself to raise your gaze to meet Mammon’s either.

“I just…” you continued, determined to get the rest of your thoughts out, “...I thought that you would say something to me about it, you know? I kept waiting for you to notice. But you never did...you just kept on like nothing was wrong. And…I...I didn’t know what to do…”

To your surprise, you felt one of Mammon’s hands begin to tenderly rub your back, as he gently pulled you towards himself so he could hold you again. He had been so stupid. The irony was not lost on him that by avoiding talking to you, he managed to let you slip through his fingers. If he had only mentioned that he even noticed any of the things that had been bothering him, the two of you likely would have worked things out. Or at least, had the opportunity to try.

You slipped your arms back around him, burying your face into his neck. From that position, you couldn’t smell the alcohol - just the comforting, warm scent you came to know as “Mammon.” Wouldn’t it be nice if you could just stay there? you thought.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, “I should have talked to you. But instead I...”

“Shhhhhh, it’s ok. It’s ok,” he soothed, continuing to rub your back ever so affectionately. It was clear to him now that this massive dumpster fire that his life had become had all started from some small, seemingly innocuous incident. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say, and his was no exception. All the small moments when he could have done something to prevent things from spiraling out of control replayed in his mind with perfect clarity. So many chances that he ignored where he could have taken you aside and just said “thanks” or asked if you were ok. And he had just let them all pass him by, too scared to make a move.

“I’m sorry too. I should have talked to ya.” His response just made you hug him closer. How could you be mad at him when you did the exact same thing?

“...do you still want to leave me…?” You were hesitant to even ask, but...you had already wasted enough time not talking these last few weeks.

Mammon stiffened. He was not expecting you to ask him that. At least not in that voice. And especially not after he had admitted to being intimate with another. Of course he didn’t want to leave you. He never really wanted to in the first place; he had just backed himself into a corner and couldn’t figure a way out. And weren’t you supposed to be pushing him away now? The air had finally been cleared. There was no more reason for you to let him stay. He couldn’t forgive himself for what he had done, and he had no right to expect you to.

“...do ya want me to…?”

You sat up again, keeping your arms looped around Mammon’s neck. You knew why he was asking that question. And you had almost let yourself forget about it. But it was something that needed to be addressed and couldn’t be simply ignored, no matter how much you wanted it to.

“I think...this was like a perfect storm, you know? We did this to ourselves. I mean, even if you didn’t make that...mistake...I can’t act like I wasn’t responsible for hurting you in the first place. And if we had just talked…? I feel like none of this would have happened. So…” you wove your fingers into Mammon’s hair at the nape of his neck, before leaning your forehead against his and continuing, “I’d like to try again. And maybe not make the same mistakes twice?”

You opened your eyes to find him staring at you, and you offered him a small smile before pressing a kiss to the tip of nose. Mammon smiled at you in return, a light blush dusting his cheeks. How had he managed to get so lucky? You were...he didn’t even have a word for it. “Everything” didn’t seem like it was enough, his feelings about you were much stronger than that. All he knew for sure was that he couldn’t live without you.

“I love you,” you whispered, wrapping him up in yet another hug, “so much. And I’m sorry I didn’t make sure you knew that.”

Mammon hugged you tighter, hiding his face in your neck. He was so glad you were still here, that you hadn’t left. He had a second chance, and he was determined not to mess things up.

--------

This is just some tooth-rotting fluff to make you feel better after the main story. I didn’t feel like it belonged with the rest, so I’m adding it here as a little “extra”.

It had been a couple weeks now since you and Mammon had finally talked to one another. And things were going a lot better than you had expected. After your conversation, Mammon had gotten himself cleaned up, changing into a set of clean clothes he kept in your room, before crawling into bed beside you. The two of you then spent the rest of night, into the early hours of the morning, talking and whispering words of love to one another. There had been so much to catch up on, that you hadn’t been able to share while avoiding him. And it felt good to finally have your best friend and partner in crime back and talking with you again.

After that, you two were stuck together like glue, always touching one another in some way - a hand on the shoulder, pinkies linked together, legs resting against each other. You still felt a knot of anxiety sometimes when Mammon was slow to reply to a message, but both of you made a considerable amount of effort to draw closer to one another. And the results you felt spoke for themselves - everyone in the House of Lamentation got so sick of looking at the two of you, that Lucifer finally gifted you a voucher for a free meal at Ristorante Six just to allow the rest of them to have a peaceful dinner. Well, that’s what he told you at least. But you were fairly certain he had noticed how depressed you and Mammon had both been and wanted to give you something as a way to celebrate resolving...whatever it was.

As you walked home, Mammon swung your joined hands happily between the two of you, fingers laced together to get as much contact with you as possible. He was in such a good mood. To think a few short weeks ago he had been positive that he’d never get to enjoy a moment like this with you again. And now look at him. Laughing and smiling, with a big dopey grin that hadn’t left his face once. So happy that he didn’t even care how much his brothers tried to tease him.

And boy did they try, in a vain attempt to discourage the lovebirds from all their PDA.

It did not work.

In fact, it only made it worse.

Not that you were complaining.

Feel free to discuss in the comments! Do you agree with MC? Are you sympathetic towards Mammon? How would you have reacted differently?

#gn!mc #happy endings #tw: cheating #obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me mammon #mammon x mc #obey me fanfic #obey me angst #mammon fanfic #mammon angst

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x0401x · 3 years

Text

Jeweler Richard Fanbook Short Story #13

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Ramen Story

The voice of the owner as he said “welcome” turned into a mutter at the end, fading away. I could understand how he felt. With a light, cut-and-sew jacket draped over him, a blond, blue-eyed man had come inside, standing behind another man who quite literally had the air of a student. It wouldn’t be unreasonable to wonder if he was an actor. But we were just a party of two.

“Two people,” I indicated with a peace sign. We were guided to a table seat. There were no other people around. While we were at it, we gave them the meal tickets that we had bought from the vending machine outside. A couple of negi ramen.

“What a surprise. There’s always a long queue for this shop. So that’s how shops are like right after they open in a student district?”

In this shop, currently reserved to our exclusive use, I talked without restraint about all sorts of things – about the layout of the classroom building in my campus, about the hideout-like garden in the university’s premises, about my friends and even about my teachers. The shop’s atmosphere did that to me. The man who could well be the best listener in the world let me talk as much as I wanted, occasionally making an exasperated face.

“Here, sorry for the wait. It’s hot, so be careful.”

“Thank you, thank you.”

“You too, Mr. Foreigner. This is ‘hot’.”

As Richard replied with a “thank you, madam”, the old lady laughed fickly.

Now for the ramen.

Its soup was salt-based, warm steam wafting from it. That being said, it wasn’t as if there was anything special about it. We hadn’t added any ingredients, so it was a simple one. Fermented bamboo shoots, dried seaweed, fish cake and a large helping of green onions.

We silently put our hands together to thank for the meal, taking the chopsticks and parting them with a snap. I took the dwindled noodles, then opened my mouth wide and filled it with them. I tried to make as little noise as possible.

Delicious.

This shop’s ramen was simple, but it was a strong ally for a student’s cold pockets and quick-to-get-hungry stomach. It stayed steadily in your belly, resolutely reminding you for about three hours that you had eaten ramen today. And above all else, the animalistic joy of eating without thinking was more irreplaceable than anything else. Tasty food was great.

By the moment I was done with my very-IQ-lacking monologue of “thank you, o ramen; o ramen, thank you”, there was only a little bit left of the contents of my bowl. Still eating the green onion ramen without a sound, Richard looked at me with upturned eyes from his bended posture. Those blue eyes made me seriously wonder if there weren’t gemstones inserted in them.

“Hey, you got a moment?”

“As you wish. Whatever you please.”

When I prefaced it with, “This is serious talk – super, super serious talk”, he made a face that screamed, “You’re being too long-winded”, so I went straight to the point.

“I didn’t think you’d actually come eat ramen with me.”

I hadn’t imagined that the day would come when I could eat a bowl of ramen for 450 yen at a historical, cozy ramen shop in the student town with this beautiful man who usually only wore suits. I hadn’t at all. Even now, another side of me was still tilting his neck somewhere within my mind, wondering about “how things came to this”.

Ever since around the time I had started working part-time in Ginza, I had no sense of reality. Not even about the fact that I would later be going to Sri Lanka. No, of course, I was fully ready and had a Visa, so I was in a phase where all I had left to do was get on the plane and I was making the oh-so-busy Richard help me out with that, but...

Richard took a sip of the salt-based soup with the china spoon, then glanced at me. “So you were not expecting anything from me, is that it?”

“No way. On the contrary.”

When I said that I just didn’t think he would give me the OK, Richard’s lips curved in the shape of an arc, and after looking for napkins on the table, he realized that there weren’t any, so he took a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe his mouth.

“I value the accuracy of your palate. It is obvious that, if you have a shop you like, I would want to try eating there.”

“Thank you. And for remembering about it too.”

Soon after I had started working part-time, I was introduced to a stone called chrysoprase. I once laughed my butt off when I learned that the etymology of the fresh green-colored stone included the meaning of “leek” or “green onion”. The topic then changed into ramen, and we, the shopkeeper and part-timer who subtly had not yet thrown off reserve with each other, talked about liking green onion ramen, what kinds of toppings we preferred, and other such things. I had kind of thought that “it’d be nice to go have ramen with this guy someday”. Back then, to me, Richard was someone as far-off as the moon and stars that shone in outer space. Of course, he was still as resplendent as the moon and stars even now, but he didn’t feel as distant.

Once I was done drinking the soup up to it’s last drop, I heaved a small sigh. “That was delicious. Last time eating Japanese ramen and this one for a while, huh.”

“How about putting instant ramen in your suitcase?”

“I ain’t used to making those. I’m the type that goes out to eat ramen rather than making instant ones. But there’s curry roux inside. Weird story, isn’t it? I’m going to a curry culture zone, yet I’m taking curry with me.”

“Analyzing Indian and Sri Lankan curry by Japanese curry standards can cause serious stomach problems. Beware.”

I puffed out my chest, saying that I had properly prepared myself for this because he had already told me about it before, to which the beautiful man gave a little sigh.

“May I also talk about a truly serious topic?”

When I told him that didn’t mind it at all and that I wanted to hear it, Richard looked at my face directly. It made me nervous. What was he going to tell me, I wondered.

“I did not think that you would actually invite me out for ramen.”

“Me?”

“Yes. I honestly did not.”

“Why?”

As I kept on tilting my neck at that sentence, which you wouldn’t think would come from someone like him – who looked like just breathing was enough for him to get invited to eat out –, Richard spoke to me reticently. He told me that people were quick to come towards him, but there were also those who surrounded him from a distance, watching him without trying to shorten the distance between him and themselves. So this kind of thing also happened?

Looking back, I was also from the keep-a-distance group at first. But I sucked at giving up, and whenever something that made me happy happened, I would be overjoyed no matter how many times I remembered about it, so every time I recalled the chrysoprase talk, I would find myself thinking that I should invite him out for ramen. It just so happened that the desire for this “someday” had amplified as the number of times that I thought about it increased, and I had finally voiced it this spring.

The shop was tiny and had a bit of a mysterious scent, but it was truly delicious. It would be closing this spring. I was concerned about what to do if he declined it with an awkward face, but the response I got after speaking up was a “When will it be?” without a moment’s delay.

“Was it okay to have invited you?”

“What do you think?”

“Well, I was just thinking I was glad that I invited you, but...”

The reply was a short-range smile. That slightly tired face with no sense of uneasiness to it was bad for the heart. But I was gonna get used to it. I had to.

“Still, was it really all right? That I was the one you had a meal with for the last time at a shop that you have fond memories of, I mean. Would it not have been better to do so with the friends that you always ate with?” Richard asked.

Hmm. So he was gonna bring that up, huh?

“Well, well, thank you very much for your superb consideration. But I’m glad it was with you.”

“Is that so?”

“I’m glad it was with you. Not anyone else; with you.”

I had learned many lessons even in just four years of university, such as that things were shifting, everything kept changing over and over, the green onion ramen shop would be gone, I would be leaving for Sri Lanka in the near future and there was no telling how my life was going to be from now on. But this jeweler was a man who knew very well how to cherish a memory.

Only to people like that did I entrust the things I didn’t want to forget.

Bidding a courteous farewell to the elderly shopkeeper and old lady employee, we exited the shop. Cars rushed on the Yasukuni Avenue. Kasaba during holidays was so quiet that it felt like a different world. As the wind softly blew, the cherry trees planted along the street shook and their pale pink petals scattered about.

“That was delicious, huh~. You got any plans for later?”

“I am going to help Saul with chores. We are not boorish enough to engage in business talk after just eating ramen.”

I stole a peek at his profile as he started chewing on a mint gum. The beautiful man brushed cherry blossom petals off his golden hair. He offered me one of the white gums, asking if I wanted to eat it.

I probably wouldn’t forget this sight. Even if that ramen shop was gone, even if my address was no longer in Tokyo.

Richard tilted his head a little, as I was still staring at his face even after accepting the gum. “Anything the matter?”

“Aah, sorry. Your beauty was like you’ve come from another world, so I spaced out.”

I then changed the topic, saying I was going to think about what to have for dinner or something. There were still lots of shops that I wanted to visit while I was still in Japan, though they were all set-meal and chain ones. I didn’t think I was able to hide my melancholy, but he’d probably act like he didn’t see anything. I was grateful for that.

In the middle of our walk to the train station, I looked back at the cityscape one last time and wordlessly offered a moment of silence to it.

Thank you for everything; I’m off!

#housekishou richard shi no nazo kantei #housekishou richard #jeweler richard #the case files of jeweler richard #nakata seigi #richard ranashinghe de vulpian #richard ranashinha de vulpian #richard #jr short story collection #tsujimura nanako #yukihiro utako #novel #my translation

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stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland · 4 years

Text

💭- ɟ

Heellooo babies and dear Anons 👋🏼🤗 I’m so sorry for the delay, but I’ve been pretty busy. I haven’t forgotten about you. I’m alive, and as I said I would, even if late I will always answer you. And trust me, I feel so bad for the delay, but I’ve prepared a bonus at the end of the post that I hope will make it up to you 🙏🏼

Now. Without making you wait any longer, let’s move on to the questions Mari sent to me.

I can sure try, dear Anon 🙃 1) Yes, I firmly believe in the theory that Lauren went to Camila right after the concert. 2) Camila ended up in the hospital for the same reasons she’s been there other times too: stress, lack of sleep, dehydration, weariness, and, you know, general weakness because they were overworked. 3) No, she was already gone at that time. That episode was released on November 1, 2014, but was filmed on August 21st in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania during the ‘Austin Mahone: Live on Tour’. Camren were already official in April 🥳

I really don’t think she was watching porn, dear Anon. I have two theories on this, but neither of them includes porn. Theory number 1, Camila and Lauren arranged to pull a prank on the girls, not giving a damn about the cameraman. They faked those moans to prank DNA. Theory number 2, it was all true (at that age especially, are more the times when hormones control you and not the other way around 🤣) and they didn’t give a damn about the cameraman and anyone else also for an act of rebellion.

The takeover begins with Ally. While Ally talks to ‘us’, Lauren is shown for literally two seconds while she’s on a video call with someone. At 0:04, you can hear her say something like “Hey, it’s okay, baby”, followed by “I wanna do it” at 0:08. Lauren is no longer seen for the rest of the takeover.

The first “Ahh” said by (in my opinion) Camila, happens at 0:50. The way DNA crack up, and Ally’s cheeks that get so red with embarrassment, I find hilariously funny in itself. As well as the teasing made by DNA towards Camila. But Normani… NORMANI KORDEI HAMILTON, guuurl! And do we want to talk about Ally? The “You too with your water” said in THAT way after Camila’s “Have fun with the movie”? Whatcha mean, girl, whatcha mean? 😝🤣

At 2:05, while Camila is eating, Lauren says something like “Gimmie” to her before Mila reaches out her arm to really give her whatever she’s eating. At 3:00, people hear “Keep going”, while I hear “Don’t stop” with a moan, immediately followed then by the other “Ahh”. Lauren, in my opinion. “Ahh” that Mani then repeats at 3:08 to make fun of them. And no, don’t tell me things like ‘but she hit her head’ because if you see the scene in slow motion, at 0.5 speed, you’ll notice that she doesn’t hit it at all and that she said it to imitate them and make Ally laugh. And then, there’s the difference in the “oww” she says at 3:14 when she hurts herself for real, and you can see how different the two verses are.

Whether it was true, or whether it was a prank, for me this is still a big proof. And this big proof, Camila and Lauren didn’t give it to me per se. Ally, Mani, and Dinah did. Why? Well, because all of this does nothing but show how used to hear that kind of thing they were. So used to it, that not only were they comfortable enough (except for having a camera pointed at their face during this time) but that they even teased them.

I don’t know if they didn’t really notice or if they did it on purpose to get more views and likes. I just know that AwesomenessTV no longer has it in their videos, but the Fifth Harmony page does. Same page that was/is managed by whom? By the same people who still want Camren dead but who exploit them when it suits them best. As in this case because views and likes produce money that ends up in their pockets.

Yes, dear anon, I truly believe that.

The funny thing for me is that Lauren called Paul Martinez her first love when she was much younger. But that only after their breakup. At the time, she even believed that they would’ve gotten married. She explained that they’d been best friends before they got together and that he then broke up with her and that she didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, and that she was able to move on only when she wrote her first song about how she felt about it on September 17, 2011.

The reality of the situation, however, is different. Lauren really fell in love for the first time with Camila. She realized the real difference later. Lauren and Paul were together for not even two months. They were together for literally only 50 days. That one, I mostly define it as a strong infatuation. First experience of a relationship, even if brief, with someone. First time she has experienced the real pain of a breakup and having a broken heart. And at that age, everything seems more and more intensified and even worse than it is. For Lauren who’s an empath, even more so.

So, yeah. I truly believe that both were the first true and intense love of the other. And no, dear. No one has topped that yet. Neither for one, nor for the other 😉

If you don’t mind, dear Anon, I would prefer to answer your questions in reverse and start from the second question first because it connects to the first one. That way, it’s simply easier for me to explain to you what I mean 😄

I don’t think so?! I mean, I’ve never experienced love at first sight. I’m a rational person and who follows logic a lot, therefore, if I were to think to want to shout a serious ‘I LOVE YOU!’ on the face of a person I’ve just met and of whom I know absolutely nothing, I’d feel crazy. How could I think I’m already in love with them? It’s something I would think to be absurd because honestly, what the fuck? I’d think of being definitely delirious.

I know what it’s like to look into a person’s eyes and think ‘wow’. I know what it’s like to look into those same eyes and lose myself in them, and feel myself melt, and getting soft, and feel light, and literally feel a passage of energy through my body that turns into goosebumps.

I know that kind of instinct. An instinct that pushes you towards this person, that pushes you not to let them go. You can’t let them go and you don’t want to. You want to know this person. Right from the start. You want to know their interests, what they like, what music they listen to, and everything in between. It’s something you can’t control. You can try, but it’s impossible and it gets you out of your mind. It’s difficult, weird, and exciting at the same time. And it’s different from the normal attraction. The normal attraction is only physical. This is mental. It comes from your mind but is also guided by something else. Something that after, only after, you understand to be your heart. And what does THAT mean? That you’re starting to fall. And after having really got to know the person better, also feeling esteem for them, after that complicity was created, that passion, that intimate and mental connection, that’s where true love is born.

When you see someone for the first time, and you like that someone, you obviously feel attraction. Love, true love, happens over time. And that’s what I think happened to Camila. I think she felt an immediate attraction as soon as she saw her (2012), which turned into a huge crush (2013), and it started with the fall which in turn blossomed into love (2014). Maybe she didn’t understand this metamorphosis right away. Maybe she has understood this over time and maturing. And the moment that she understood it (ex: Terrified, Must Be Love), was also the moment in which she was able to explain it to us and deliver it to us in different songs. Another striking example that comes to mind now is “Seventeen when I started to fall” 🎵.

It was different for Lauren, but the process was similar. She herself said she found her cute initially. I think that the attraction was born when she started to know her better (2012), and that this was already an alarm bell for her because she didn’t want to. And not because she didn’t want to be attracted to Camila, but because she didn’t want to be attracted to a girl again. One with whom she should’ve spent a lot of time together, by the way. So she tried to keep this attraction at bay. But the more she tried, the more it grew. The more she denied herself the desire, the more she got to knew Camila, and the more attracted she was to her. Then she succumbed to the attraction and simultaneously started to develop a crush, and this threw her for a panic loop even more because she COULD NOT have feelings for a girl. She simply couldn’t. And that’s how the 2013’s back and forth started, the ‘Like Friends Do’ situation that led her to start falling hard and the eventual definite falling in love in 2014.

Good question, dear Anon, a really good question. You see, EL has always puzzled me. In the sense that for quite some time, I didn’t know whether to believe if they were really a friend of theirs, or if it was just a person in the industry who had only worked with them for a certain period of time, or if they were just a fan with a huge luck in guessing certain things.

I think this because many times they’ve contradicted themselves and said very general things that anyone with a good knowledge of the girls and how the industry works could have predicted. I’ll give you some examples. I remember that at first, they said they had a relative in the industry, then they changed and said something like Lauren was one of the most important people in their life. Then they changed again and said they knew a lot about the Camren’s relationship because they were close to them, but that they wouldn’t delve into their private lives out of respect, yet, at the same time, they said about their first kiss and their first time. Um.. like, what?? How does this make any sense? Stick to one version, can’t ya? That alone, already made me doubt their credibility very much.

Another example I can give you is that they said the purpose for the Bad Things music video was to show how straight Camila was and to kill the rumors about her sexuality. But then, they said the video would have hints of her true sexuality and Camren’s too. Um… Again. What?? Not only did they contradict themselves, but they also said something rather generic and predictable. Think about it. If the video was to kill those rumors and straighten her image in the first place, why then would they have agreed to put hints on her sexuality and on something related to Camren? What would have been the point of trying to straighten her image then?? Not to mention that it’s pretty easy to say that we’d find things related to Camren when there are CS who would be able to find something even when there isn’t. Because we know that there were and still are those who find things that are actually completely absurd and non-existent just for the sake of having proofs. So, do you see my point here?

As for who they were, you can rule out most of the industry people who worked with them, and DNA and all people related to them (DNA) for one simple reason: ExposingLaucy was fluent in both English and Spanish. You can rule out Camren because they would never, ever risk being hacked and discovered. And that leaves us to the friends of the Camren’s clique and the fans. Wanna know what makes me think this person was actually a fan? The fact that EL also knew a lot about 1D and that Camila and Lauren’s true friends never got involved in Camren’s world publicly. You’ve never seen Marielle and Sandra or Brittany, Keana, Alexa, and Erica say anything about Camren publicly. They certainly wouldn’t have created an account to expose Laucy when exposing Laucy would’ve meant not helping their friends. And then, come on, they had their own lives to think about.

Now I want you to think about something else too, and I’m gonna take precisely me as an example. In my very first post, ‘There is a light at the end of the tunnel’, I created a little skit during which Shaky misgendered Sam Smith. As we all know, it actually happened in real life just over a month after my post. In my ‘PR stunt relationships’ post, I said I was convinced that Shabby had grown his hair out to look like his obsession for years: Matthew McConaughey. Five days after my post, Chauffeur admitted exactly that and of copying his style in general in the Late Late Show interview.

What does this mean? That I knew all this was going to happen? Hell, no. That I’m a white version of Raven Baxter? Maybe 😎🤣 No, but kidding aside, I just said what I thought of him both times. I only expressed my opinions, and the first time I did it through that skit because my gut had always told me that he’d be the kind of guy to be an insensitive asshole like that. And by the way, I was shocked, surprised, and even a little proud both times because I was actually right. But what’s the point? My point is that I could’ve taken advantage of this from the start. I could’ve pretended to be an insider from my first post and prove to you that I was one for real with these two things that I would’ve told you were ‘proofs’. It would’ve been pretty easy. But I didn’t. I would never have been stupid enough to start something so risky with the risk of being discovered as has happened with many other fans. And I never would have done it especially because that’s not who I am. I don’t need to pretend to be something that I’m not, thank you very much 😁 I’m more genuine than that.

Unfortunately, though, there are a lot of people who don’t think like me who have and continue to create accounts pretending to be insiders. All of those accounts are nothing more than fans who crave attention. Fans who pretend to be insiders who have information, without ever proving them though, and who say generic things and who sometimes are lucky enough to guess. That’s all. But EL, had something these other fans didn’t have. My best guess? EL was just a Harmonizer lucky enough to have someone from the industry in their (5H) circle, maybe really a relative as they initially said, who sometimes passed information to them.

Because Camila was constantly out there working, dear Anon. You know, interviews, performances, tours, you name it 🙃

I’ve already answered this question, dear Anon. Go check out my ‘🗯️ - ɟ’ post 😄

Yes, dear Anon, they’ve both hurt each other many times, and you can imagine how a parent might feel about seeing their child suffer. I’m not a mom, so I can’t speak from experience in that department, but I can give you another type of example to make you understand and maybe even make you better relate to what I want to tell you.

Imagine having two friends, okay? These two friends, are both your best friends. You care about them in the same equal way. These two friends of yours are together, and every time they fight, they come to you to vent. You unintentionally find yourself in the center of this situation, but not because you get in the way or because you take the side of one of them, but simply because you’re literally the person they go to for venting and to ask for advice. Every time you hear that one of the two has fucked up, you automatically ‘hate them’, in many quotes, for making the other one suffer. Maybe you also try to justify their actions because you know them and love them and you want the two of them to make up, but it’s still automatic for you to feel momentary anger towards them for making your other friend suffer.

Now that you know what I mean, double, triple, even quadruple, that momentary anger because that’s what I think a parent feels. It must not be easy to see your child suffer in general, but to see them suffer for someone you know, who is the cause, must be even harder. Especially in their case that they saw Lauren grow up with their daughter.

Camila’s number one best friend is Sinu. Camila has always told her everything. And Sinu has also always been very present, especially since the beginning of September 2016 when she’s become a permanent presence. Sinu must have seen the developments over the years with her own eyes. And I also think that Sinu and Ale have that kind of relationship where they talk about everything. I don’t know, but I think the Cabellos would have preferred to see her single rather than in that kind of pain in those times of severe toxicity between them. Because those are the periods that Camila refers to in both songs if you notice (I don’t consider First Man in this case).

Don’t get me wrong. I still to this day think Camila and Lauren are considered as daughters by both families. The problem at the time, wasn’t Lauren specifically because I think they would’ve thought it no matter who their daughter was with. And same thing in reverse for Camila for the Jaureguis. Besides, I don’t think the Cabellos consider Lauren a bad person at all, in fact, quite the opposite. The Cabellos love Lauren and the Jaureguis love Camila. It’s always been like this, despite they’ve tried to make us believe otherwise. I think that in those two songs Camila has only blown it out of proportion for the sake of the songs themselves and that’s why it looks more serious than it really is.

I think the answer is in the question itself, dear Anon 😆 Their problems have always been caused by the lack of communication. So they fixed that. They’ve learned to speak for real. To communicate for real and without keeping anything inside. They’ve learned to listen and not bite each other’s heads off. They’ve learned to put pride aside. And they both have set boundaries. They healed each other the same way they broke each other: together. I don’t think they’re 100% there yet, also because no relationship is perfect, but I think they’ve improved a lot compared to before. Or at least, I hope so since mine are just assumptions.

No, dear Anon. I never believed that rumor, and unless a picture of them kissing or something like that gets leaked, I don’t think I ever will. I’m sorry, but that sounds way too ridiculous for me to even think about it 🤷🏻‍♀‍

As for your last question, I believe Ari has already answered it herself in 2019. You remember Monopoly, right? Well, that “I like women and men” made me jump from my chair so high, I don’t know how I didn’t break something when I landed on my feet. I don’t even know how I landed on my feet and not tripped or directly fell to the floor honestly 🤣 “I’ve been on a roll, where you been?” dead, Ari. I died after what you said, okay? I knew about Victoria because she’d already come out, but you hadn’t done it yet so don’t ask me where I’ve been because I’ll tell you where I’m now, and I. Am. Deeeaad! Dead.

Ahh… How I wish our Mila would come out in that same so chill way, you know? Without making too much of a big deal out of it 🤩 But anyway. Ari didn’t want to put a label on herself because she never felt the need to, and I respect that 🙏🏼

BONUS

I call it ‘The truth in the lies’.

I was re-reading some old Camila’s interviews when I came across a particular one that made me literally burst out laughing, shake my head, and say what with them has now become my phrase: “The math… The math”. I’m referring to the interview with BBS News titled: Camila Cabello: ‘An absolute force of nature’, published on December 5, 2019.

I copied and pasted the part that interests us: As soon as the Grammys wrapped up, however, Cabello stepped away from the limelight to concentrate on her second album. “She said, 'I’m not going to come out of the studio until I’ve beaten my last album,’” recalls her manager, Roger Gold. In total, it took eight months, covering a period where “other artists were putting out back-to-back albums, only a few months apart,” he says. “So it was hard for us, and for her, to ignore the noise and go into the studio and take the time she needed.”

I’d like to underline the ‘As soon as the Grammys wrapped up’ part (big ass liar 🙄), and the more important one ‘In total, it took eight months’ (to complete the album). I repeat, 8 MONTHS. And that’s the truth. Okay, are you ready to do the math and for the explanation? Good 😏

The Grammys they were referring to were the Grammy Awards which took place on January 12, 2019. Romance was released on December 6, 2019. From January 12, 2019, to December 6, 2019, it’s 10 months. We already know regardless that this would’ve turned out to be bullshit because Camila started recording the album in September 2018, and not January 2019. But just to prove to you even more how much bullshit they said for this album, I wanted to include it anyway.

Would you like to see another proof with the same date? Okay. Now let’s try from January 12, 2019, to July 12, 2019, which is the PR day in San Francisco. It’s 6 months. You can also move the dates by a few days because it’s logical that Camila wouldn’t have recorded the same night as the Grammys and, according to their stupid narrative, Used to This was recorded right after San Francisco and was the last song recorded for the album. Wanna try, I don’t know, from January 15, 2019, to July 16, 2019? It’s still SIX MONTHS and NOT EIGHT 🤣 Let’s go on.

Let’s try to calculate with the actual recording start date now and not their narrative dates.

We know First Man was the first song recorded for Romance, and we know it was recorded in Nashville. Camila was on tour for Taylor Swift’s Reputation Stadium Tour at the time. Two dates that interest us on that tour are the one of September 8th in Kansas City, and the one of September 15th in Indianapolis. Why? Because for those five days in between, from the 9th to the 14th, Camila stayed in Nashville. For the first few days, she worked first with Amy Wadge on First Man, and then in the following ones, with Ed Sheeran on South of the Border, which they finished on September 14th. All you have to do to have a confirmation of this is to check out the video C posted on July 12, 2019, where she’s rehearsing her verse with Ed, and the picture she posted on September 14, 2018, and you’ll notice that she’s wearing the same shirt.

Since First Man was finished either one day or two prior, let’s take the South of the Border date as a reference for good measure. Also because as I showed you before, moving the date by just a few days to do the calculation still leads to the same result.

So let’s try, from September 14, 2018 (South of the Border) to December 6, 2019 (Romance album release) it’s 1 year and almost 3 months. Soooo, nope. Next.

From September 14, 2018, to July 12, 2019 (PR in San Francisco) it’s 10 months. 🤣🤣🤣 NEXT.

Come on, Faby, when are you gonna tell us the real date that corresponds to the 8 months? Now, babies, now. And I actually can offer you two.

We know that Camila finished Romance in May, and we had even more confirmation when she posted an Insta-story on June 3rd of a Dropbox folder called CC2 with the album already mastered and more than ready. Wanna try with both a May date and this June date? Okay.

From September 14, 2018, to May 21, 2019, that is, the rehearsals for the Señorita’s music video, it’s 8 months and 7 days exactly.

From September 14, 2018, to June 3, 2019, that is, the IG-story of the Dropbox folder, it’s 8 months and 20 days exactly.

We have our winners, guys 🥳🥳🥳

Let’s recap just because:

From January 12, 2019 (Grammy Awards 2019) to December 6, 2019 (Romance album release) it’s 10 months.

From January 12, 2019 (Grammy Awards 2019) to July 12, 2019 (PR in San Francisco) it’s 6 months.

From September 14, 2018 (South of the Border) to December 6, 2019 (Romance album release) it’s 1 year and almost 3 months.

From September 14, 2018 (South of the Border) to July 12, 2019 (PR in San Francisco) it’s 10 months.

From September 14, 2018 (South of the Border) to May 21, 2019 (Rehearsals for the Señorita’s music video) it’s 8 months and 7 days exactly.

From September 14, 2018 (South of the Border) to June 3, 2019 (Dropbox folder) it’s 8 months and 20 days exactly.

Now do you understand why ‘The truth in the lies’? 😏

Aaaaand I’m done 👩🏻‍💻 I hope I made it up to you with this bonus 🤞🏼 Thank you, Mari, and thanks to all of you for your questions, I swear I’m loving them more and more, so please, continue to feel free to send me as many as you want 🤗💪🏼

Remember to be kind, to others and to yourself. Remember to be a good example. Remember to be patient. Stay safe and take care of yourself. I send you lots of love and virtual hugs 🤗🤗🤗 Oh and, of course, keep shipping our submarine 🤣 I love you, babies. Always with love, F ❤️

___

Ten answers for ten anons, that’s a lot of writing to do. Great work, F

#submission #f anon #anon #answers #long ass post #10 x 10

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janekfan · 4 years

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omg you're taking prompts?? best day EVER!!! i was thinking. season 2, where jon is complaining about some kind of illness/pain that's actually worse than he's letting on? maybe elias sends jon, tim, and martin on some kind of gay little errand and jon's either really ill or already hurt, and he keeps trying to communicate that he really wants to go back to the hotel and lie down, but they're so angry with him that they assume the worst? then, comfort :) if you don't like this i can try again!

@taylortut :D I hope you like it!

6 hours and 47 minutes.

The average amount of time it took the train to travel from the London station to Edinburgh.

And that being if they didn’t run into some sort of delay. Or hit a cow. Rupture the fuel line and be trapped on the tracks for the rest of the day.

Jon massaged his temples, shifting uncomfortably on the hard cushion that honestly might as well not exist for how much good it was doing him. Barely back from their mandatory thirty days leave after the Prentiss, Elias, the prat, sent them away to investigate the vaults beneath the city regarding the murders committed by Burke and Hare nigh 200 years ago.

And Jon really, really didn’t want to.

He’d been looking forward to sitting in the dark of his office and going through statements at a snail's pace and possibly, possibly skiving off early because he hurt and hadn’t been sleeping well because of it. The injuries left behind had been deep and damaging and he'd walked out of the hospital with a brand new cane. Leaning against the window and easing the weight off his left side, Jon tried to let the scenery slipping by lull him at least a little bit. Tim and Martin were spending the majority of their time in the dining car sampling the assortment courtesy of Elias’ generous travel budget and that was fine by him. While Martin may be better at hiding it, both of them were quite angry with him and he wasn’t exactly looking forward to the next week spent in their company.

Pain exploded in his bones, waking him from his nap and he whacked his head against the window blinking hard, breathing shallow, as he gathered his wits about him and took in Martin sitting across from him.

“Tim,” he admonished, setting a cup of tea down in front of Jon and turning the handle toward him. “Should perk you up a bit; you look tired.”

“Yeah, Boss.” Tim mocked him, prodded a particularly sore spot on his side. “Drink your tea.” Jon chose to ignore him.

“Th’thank you, Martin.” He spoke low, shrinking away, into himself, and holding the warmth close to his chest, checking his watch: two hours and change. Surely it wouldn’t be this awkward between them the whole week?

Jon was often wrong and this experience would prove no different as he pushed himself as fast as possible following Tim and Martin, the tip of his cane clacking unevenly on the cobblestones. It was dark and he had no desire to be caught alone on the streets at night, sure that whatever else had complaints with them wouldn’t hesitate.

“Tim, slow down.”

“Ah, sorry, Marto.” Jon looked away, feeling the heavy weight of Tim’s gaze press down across his shoulders and he almost stumbled beneath it, catching himself and thankful he’d chosen a backpack instead of luggage. “Tired from the train?”

“I happen to be, yes.” Authoritative, eyes cast pointedly forward. “Besides, it’s a nice night. Let me enjoy being away from the Archives for a moment, won’t you?” Tim laughed, pounding Martin on the back, and the two discussed going out for drinks at the various pubs they passed along the way. While grateful for the decreased pace, Jon was isolated and alone, throat closing up so tight it was like choking, face turning hot, but he refused to cry.

He’d dug this grave. He’d have to lie in it.

Unable to stand one moment more after climbing the stairs to their room, Jon collapsed heavily to the couch, digging his knuckles into his thigh in an attempt to stop the awful seizing in his muscles. His whole body was trembling with fatigue and when Tim suggested it was the perfect time to head into the Vaults he could have kissed Martin for insisting he was too tired tonight because he knew he was only saying it for Jon’s benefit and he didn’t understand why. How could he...after all. He hated him and he still--

“Well, I call rooming with Martin and there’s just one bed. That leaves the couch for your skinny arse, Boss.” He batted big dark eyelashes at Martin, making the other man blush furiously and sputter and despite himself Jon smiled, just a little, bidding them a quiet good night neither of them would hear through the door between them.

He could tell already he wouldn’t be getting much sleep, if any at all. The pain wasn’t anything sharp anymore, just a low level throb impossible to ignore, and no amount of adjusting or staying still or squeezing his fists so tight crescent moons were bit into his palms would change that. So he laid there, in the dark of an unfamiliar room, in an unfamiliar city, filled with unfamiliar sounds and listened to the deep and even synchrony of his employees’ breath. More street lights kicked on, the glow pleasant if only because he could see, transforming eerie shadows into shapes he could identify. Jon nibbled his bottom lip, shifted, pushed his feet into the cushions to exert pressure? Release pressure? He wasn’t sure exactly what he was trying to accomplish other than keeping himself quiet.

Dragging his bag over he dug blindly through it for the bottle of paracetamol settled at the bottom, fighting with the child safety cap and tipping too many pills into his hand. It didn’t matter. It wouldn’t touch it. Not really. But hoping for a placebo effect was better than writhing in agony and Jon swallowed them dry because getting up wasn’t an option. Rigid, shivering, he pulled up the blanket, trying to take comfort in its weight and the sun was coming up by the time heavy lashes fell shut over tired, burning eyes.

“Wakey, wakey, Boss!” Jon jerked violently awake, whole body thrumming in panic and pain before he had the sense to realize what was happening and by then Tim was gone.

“Sorry Jon, I tried to distract him.” Sheepish, Martin offered up a small smile and a cup of tea, setting it on the low table beside the couch. “You alright?” He’d relaxed back into the cushions, trying to gain back any of the soft, drifting nothingness he’d finally succumbed to and failing miserably. Good lord, he wasn’t well.

“Just fine, Martin.” Rubbing away the remnants of sleep, Jon struggled upright and took a sip. “Thank you.” Strong and dark and perfect, the caffeine would help. “When, what time are we investigating the Vaults?”

“Midnight or so? There will be fewer people on the streets then.” Silence broken only by Tim’s puttering in the room settled between them. “We’re hoping to sight see, be proper tourists for the day.”

“Ah.” He hid his disappointment behind the rim of his cup. Of course they would. Of course and they deserved it. “That sounds like a fine idea.” It didn’t. He wouldn’t make it, surely. Almost choking on his tea when his jacket came down over his head, Jon sputtered and coughed, catching a glimpse of Tim slipping on his trainers.

“And you’re not getting out of it.” Martin reacted to Jon's sigh with exasperation and hurt.

"Look, Jon. I know you'd rather be anywhere than with the two of us, but try to enjoy yourself?" And while that wasn't entirely true Jon was unfortunately too much a coward to refute it.

Which is how he found himself here, now. Nauseated, Jon sipped carefully on some juice, sitting stock still in his chair and watching Martin and Tim sample almost everything on the menu. He’d been dragged through the city and while he’d enjoyed some of the history and honestly their company, the pain cast a dark pall over the day. It was only on his third try asking for a break that they passed a pub and Martin suggested supper, and not a moment too soon. Even with the cane and Jon's white knuckle grip on his self control, his leg felt ready to give way.

“Come on,” Tim cajoled, tongue loose and on his third pint. “Don’t you want to waste Elias’ money with us?”

“Not that hungry I’m afraid, but go on. Looks good and you mustn't forget dessert.”

"Martin! You heard the boss-man!" After sitting in the low light, resting for a bit, Jon felt up to a drink, enjoying how it blurred everything at the edges and dulled the worst of it so quickly on an empty stomach.

When they returned to the room for a nap prior to their excursion, Jon barely remembered passing out on the couch.

It was cold, the jacket completely useless against the underground chill and his exposed fingers were numb on the handle of his cane, on the torch. Long after this happened, Jon asked for a reprieve. They’d been down here for hours already and they had all week so with no leads they could come back another night, couldn't they? It had fallen on deaf ears and when he tried to speak up again, this time because he’d fallen more than a few steps behind, it was clear he just needed to tough it out. Obviously, he was supposed to be handling this better and he was only embarrassing himself by being overly dramatic. Gritting his teeth, Jon pushed himself faster, catching back up only to lose ground seconds later.

“I’m. I’m sorry. I.” Why was this so hard? Asking for help, for a break, to go back and just please stop standing up. “Could we. Could we take a moment? Just. I mean--”

“Spit it out!” Tim’s frustration echoed painfully in the enclosed space, bouncing off walls and striking Jon from all angles like a series of blows. “We don’t have time for whatever you’re on about.”

We don’t have time.

“Leave off, Tim.” Something caught Martin’s eye and he veered away from the pair of them.

We don’t have time for you.

Stop it.

Stop being a child.

“Of course. Yes. Push on.”

Sick with exhaustion and shaking from pain, Jon was falling further and further behind, the torch losing its effectiveness as the dark closed in, heavy, tight, suffocating. He couldn’t call out. They wouldn’t. He. They’d made how they felt clear and asking again would only be shameful. But his cane wasn’t enough anymore and it dropped from his ennervated fingers, clattering to the ground while he held onto the wall with both hands. He’d be lost here, buried here, in the oppressive black, his body saved by the End for experimentation and dissected by medical students and he didn't think he cared about being forgotten but the thought of it felt far too real. He sobbed. It echoed. And he clapped his hands over his mouth and let the tears glance off them as he slid to the ground.

He’d just hide here. In the dark behind his eyelids, stifling the pathetic sounds forcing their way up his throat and between his teeth. If he was quiet he wouldn’t be found, nothing could find him if he was quiet. Not the things scuttling around in the black, not the pain doing its level best to gnaw its way through his skin, not the overwhelming weariness clawing open his chest, between his ribs.

“Jon!” He flinched. He hurt. He curled tighter despite it. He didn’t want to be found. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this. “J--Christ, Jon.” Martin’s heavy footsteps slowed to a stop on the stone in front of him, shifted nervously. “Hey, what’s. Jon? What’s wrong?”

“M’.” But it was so much more than that and he didn’t know how to explain, so he didn’t and Martin’s voice came from above him.

“Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn't you say it was this bad? ” But he had. He had tried. Hadn’t he? After being ignored he thought he was just being needy and dramatic. Annoying. Tim had similar injuries and he was fine. Jon ducked his head into folded arms, shoulders hitching with a shaky breath. He didn’t know what to say or how to justify how bad off he was.

“S’sorry.” He’d have to stand in a moment. To continue the investigation and even the thought made him want to cry. “Just need a. N’need.” But it hurt so much and when the next breath he reached for broke open he heard Martin sigh heavily, shoes scuffing the ground and this time his words were at his level.

“I’m sorry, Jon. You. You did tell us. We just didn’t listen. Thought you were cross at being sent here with us.” A warm palm enveloped his forearm. “What do you need?”

“N’nothing. Just.” Deep breath. Relax. You’re alright. “I’ll be ready in, in a m’moment.” Thick and hoarse, he didn’t want Martin to see his face. He didn’t want to see the disgust in his. “You, you go on. Tim shouldn’t be alone.”

“And you should?”

Yes.

Yes, because he’d be fine. He was always fine.

Before he had the chance to answer he heard Tim coming back, steps angry if there was such a thing, and calling through the tunnels.

“I see, just abandon me to the spooky vaults, serve me up on a platter next time, it’ll be faster!” Jon risked a look and saw Tim staring down at him. “What the hell, Martin? Jon, sure, but you too?” And that hurt, cutting to the quick of him deep enough that he almost checked for blood. Tim didn’t really think he’d abandon him, did he? “What’s with the secret meeting?”

“We need to go back to the room.”

“What?! We’ve barely started anything!”

“Jon needs a break.”

“Of course.” Scoffed, Jon could practically see him rolling his eyes

“Tim--! No, Jon’s been. He’s tried to ask a few times and I know we’ve got work to do but--”

“It’s alright, Martin. I can. Keep going.” The crease between Martin’s eyebrows deepened. “O’or stay here until you get back.”

“No,” Martin spoke sternly, “Tim, help me get him up.” Jon didn’t think he’d ever seen such a scathing look on his face before but it was enough to shift Tim. They lifted him together and as everything stiff stretched back out fire bled into his bones and he couldn’t help but cry out, trying to collapse back to the ground and into himself. “Oh, okay, Jon. Okay.”

“Ah, it’s.”

“If you say “fine” I’ll drop you right here.” Tim adjusted his grip, tried to take more of his weight and Jon was ashamed that he let him but--

"Good lord, Jon. You're so pale." When had Martin gotten so close to him? “I’m, I’m sorry.”

“S’alright.” The shaking started up again when he tried to take a step and Martin had to catch him before he collapsed all over again. This was so stupid. Why was he like this? Why did he hurt so bad?

“You can’t walk like this.”

“No! No, I can! I just…nngh.” His teeth were chattering, he was shivering. Just leave him here. This was mortifying and he all but gave up, following their soft directions until he was draped across Martin’s broad back and suffering through the strain of forcing his leg far enough forward for him to get his hand under it to lift him. Off his feet and pressed against a veritable wall of warmth, Jon lost his grip on the frayed threads holding the last of him together. They unspooled, slipped from his hands, and tears soaked the back of Martin’s collar.

"You're warm." Empty, sitting limp on the edge of the couch, Jon leaned into Martin’s hand on his forehead. “Are you sick?”

“No…” Clumsy fingers clawed open the bottle of paracetamol, irrationally angry when Martin only allowed him double the dose.

“Jon.” Tone firm, Jon looked up at him without lifting his head. Didn’t think he could if he wanted.

“S’mm.” He pulled in half a lungful of air with difficulty. “When it. When it hur’s like this.” The next breath strangled him and he thought he saw Tim and Martin exchange a look, one he couldn’t interpret and didn’t care to if it just meant they were leaving him here to go back to the vaults. He didn’t bother worrying about the new moisture dripping off his chin. He just wanted to disappear.

“Jon?” There was a packet of digestives being thrust under his nose and his stomach turned. "I haven't seen you eat at all today, or yesterday for that matter. I'm not going to let you take all those pills without at least a little something."

“Mm.” He forced one down his throat and pushed insistent hands away, swallowing the medicine with some lukewarm water Tim helped him hold, gasping when they manhandled him down to the cushions, sighing when something cold eased the fire in his hip.

“Ice, should help, okay?” And Jon concurred, new tears slipped between closed lids in relief, in weariness.

“Try and sleep, Boss.”

Quiet voices tugged him up through layers of cotton. Martin. Tim. Talking. Hushed.

“...shouldn’t have pushed so far.”

“So stupid...didn’t think…”

“Shh.” Caught eavesdropping. Jon swallowed. Everything they were saying about him was true, he wouldn't cry over it.

“Hey, Jon. How’re you feeling?” Sore. Foolish. Like he wanted the couch to open up and drag him down to wherever loose change went.

“Better.” When he made to sit up Martin stopped him. “Really, m’fine.” He stayed put.

“I need to apologize, Jon. I, I was so stupid. I didn’t even think about. Well, your injuries. Caught up in myself, I suppose.”

“No! I. Martin, it, it isn’t your fault. This,” he gestured to himself and laughed humorlessly. “This isn’t your fault.”

“We should have listened.” Now Tim was sat on the arm nearest his feet. His elevated feet and his face must have shown his confusion. “Did some googling. But we shouldn’t have let it go so far.”

“It’s--” he stopped abruptly at their combined frowns. “It’s. Um. Thank you, for taking care of me.”

“How is it?” Jon looked at his folded hands, guilty.

“I’d. If I could stay here today?” He closed his eyes, waiting for the frustration, the disappointment. “Not because I don’t want to, to, I want to. I enjoy your company! I’m.” He was botching this, just speak your mind, Sims. “I’m just. I’m very tired. Haven’t been, uh, sleeping much.” Opened them again when Martin cupped his shoulder and saw understanding reflected back.

“Sure. Of course you can.”

“We’ll make a day of it.” Tim flashed the company card. “Back soon, gents.”

The day was spent watching bad daytime television and Jon dozed on and off between being plied with sugary snacks and tea and watching Martin scold Tim for throwing wrappers at the worst of the actors.

“I’d clean it up, Marto, but,” he gestured to Jon’s feet where he’d tugged them over his lap. “I’m trapped, clearly.” It was so much like old times, away from the pressure of the Archives and Elias that Jon couldn’t help but smile. Maybe this could be fixed after all. Maybe it wasn’t all lost.

In the end, they’d discovered nothing new. No evidence to back up the statement givers that inspired this whole excursion in the first place.

6 hours. 47 minutes.

It didn’t seem such a long time on the way back.

#TMA #the magnus archives #prompt #jon sims #martin blackwood #tim stoker #strained friendships #pain #chronic pain #bad coping mechanisms

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ownworldresident · 3 years

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We Are Our Own Heroes. Chapter 9: Faith

Book: The Royal Romance, seven years post-TRR

Premise: Six years after a tragic loss, Liam and his adopted daughter meet Cassandra, an artist with her own troubled past, and the three find in each other the friend they never knew they needed.

Disclaimer: Setting and some characters belong to Pixelberry. I am just borrowing them and will return them when they feel better.

Themes: found family, (power of) friendship, healing

Content Warning: death mention

The Master Masterlist (link)| Our Own Heroes Masterlist (link)

Cassandra

Cassandra woke well before her alarm and was out of bed before she realised the time. She didn’t need that to realise the day. The cold ache in her heart was enough.

Cordonia itself felt devoid of life in the cool autumn morning. The weather was reminiscent to the point of the worst type of nostalgia, without the misplaced excitement or fateful future plans.

Dark thoughts followed her through a zombie-like routine and out the door to the predawn world. A sweet relief of no busy minds was the clearest feeling. She was fully awake. Then the feeling faded, and she was fully aware.

No one was on the road save a few unfortunate shift workers, but she remained as diligent as if it were peak traffic. A short, humourless laugh escaped her behind the wheel. What a cruel twist of irony to repeat the event. She hadn’t delayed this time.

At the junction taking her from the city she opted a familiar route, and the false dawn breached where sky met sea as she pulled up beside the shore. The only one here. She escaped her car, planted her feet on the rocks before it, and stared at the overcast sky.

“If you’re there,” she said, “I’m sorry.”

But no matter how many times she said it, the words were not enough. Cassie’s eyes drew back to the drivers side of her Golf for a moment before she squeezed them shut, her fists with them, and looked out to the dawn following its friend.

The first regret was there was no friend now. A second later she realised there was.

----

At the first reasonable hour she drove up, and the staff directed Cassie to the breakfast room on the upper level, far from Liam’s apartments and somewhere Cassie had only been once, when Emily showed her around. She pulled the cuff of her sleeves over her palms and pressed them against her damp eyes, hoping to at least appear composed when she found him.

Clearing her throat as softly as she could, Cassie stared at the door, which stood slightly ajar. It was bright inside, the room faced west, and she hoped the sun was now high enough that he wouldn’t see exactly how hard it was for her to breathe.

“Liam?” she asked as she entered the room, spotting him after a moment as he paced before the windows. He interrupted the sunlight whenever he moved across them, but stopped in shadow.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded. Cassie flinched and resisted the urge to step back.

“I came to see you.” Her voice was the soft opposite to his. She could make out his features as her eyes adjusted. Liam’s expression was tight, his body so tense he stood statuesque, and his eyes were just as hard.

“To rub in your success?” he asked, then frowned deeper. “How much did they offer you? Enough to buy your studio? Move overseas? Pay whatever debt you have?”

“What are you talking about?” Cassie’s concern became confusion in her voice. She sidelined her reason for coming. There were no events she could think of that would cause such a reaction.

“Don’t be daft.” Liam grabbed a newspaper from the table between them and thrust it toward her. He paced again as she took it up.

An intentionally dark picture took half the cover; a bare, neglected room with a cradle at the far corner, a huge, oddly shaped blotch on old carpet, and what looked like a gun beside it. And superimposed was a head shot: a smiling young woman with striking blonde hair, a thin round face, and familiar pale eyes. She didn’t need to ask, because below the image and in the description, was her name: Anna. The stain was blood.

Cassie cupped a hand over her mouth, nearly dropping the paper as bile rolled up her throat. She swallowed the acidic taste, coughed, then read the title again. ‘How She Really Died’, with the subtitle: ‘A Horror Behind Red Tape’.

The news had apparently gone to print this morning. She had been nowhere but her home or her car since before dawn.

“Why did you do it?”

Cassie looked up and flinched to find Liam much closer, just out of her space. The anger in his eyes was a thin mask for the suffering that wound deep. She knew that pain was in his very soul because it lived in her as well.

“Why would you think I would do this?” she breathed, croaked rather, and cleared her throat again. Her mind shifted. “Does Emily know?”

“I’ve called her school, they’ll contact me if she wishes to come back.”

“Good. God, I hope she’s… are you okay?” She wanted to help him, comfort him, and pressed a hand over her heart to stem her own heavy ache. Liam shook his head.

“Cassie stop. Stop pretending. You got behind my defences, I should have known better than to let you, and you told them the first chance you had.” Liam’s words held so much certainty. Cassie wondered how long he’d been firm in the belief that she was capable of such a betrayal. Her other hand tightened around the newspaper.

“You don’t actually think I would tell anyone?”

“Honestly? I have no idea what to think. I know you are the second person I have ever told and two days later—this.” He pointed to the paper in her grip.

“And so you took the first possible explanation and stopped there.” Cassie’s voice cooled as she comprehended his narrow thought process. “With no consideration for how I’ve acted in the past. I have a lot of regrets, but betraying a friend will never be one of them.”

Liam searched her eyes, then closed his and looked away. “There is no other logical option.”

“Really? You’ve never had anything happen to you that you couldn’t explain in minutes? What a glorious life that must be.” Cassie threw the newspaper down.

“You have no idea what this is like.” He shook his head dismissively. Heat rushed through Cassie’s body at the callous words. There was so much hurt in his voice, but it didn’t touch her now.

“Yes, I do.” She blinked back tears. “I lost my best friend a year ago today. I had hoped to find one here, but apparently that faith was misplaced.”

Liam’s eyes widened a fraction. His mouth opened as if to speak, but nothing came. The silence settled and stretched, then Cassie released a breath, and the ache in her chest sunk deeper. Maybe this had always been inevitable. Maybe Liam wasn’t prepared or yet able to work through his past. When it was clear she would get no reply, she left.

Liam

Liam heard her footsteps retreat down the hall as he stared through the open door. A choked sound travelled back to him and tightened around his heart. He barely drew breath, willing himself to move. ‘You have no idea what this is like’ He was ashamed of the words, and they would ring in her mind. He followed her out.

“Cassie, stop,” he called, hurrying after her. She reached the landing and paused. Liam stopped a few strides away. His heart pounded as he waited for her to turn around, and hoped there was something, anything, that could undo his words.

Cassandra corrected her posture and turned stiffly to face him again.

“What?”

“I—” he cleared his throat. “I didn’t know about your friend.”

Cassie stared at him, her brow pulling tight, then said quietly, “That shouldn’t matter.”

Liam’s mind spun with thoughts he couldn’t grasp, and he struggled to find one that wouldn’t dig a deeper pit. The heat in the back of his ears didn’t help. He exhaled and tried to see the conversation from her perspective.

“No, it shouldn’t,” he conceded. “It was a stupid thing to say. I don’t…”

“Don’t what, Liam? Don’t have a conclusion already? You didn’t discover the ‘logical option’? What a fresh world this must be for you.” Cassie grit her teeth and took a deliberate step toward him, her face streaked with tears. “You are so busy trying to judge people’s intentions you never stopped to ask, and this is why you’re alone here, why you’ll always be alone. It’s not so damn frightening to consider someone other than yourself. I thought of all people you would know that.

“All I wanted was friendship,” she continued, “all I asked for was trust, but you couldn’t even give me that.” Cassie looked away from him for just a moment, but when he tried to answer she held up a hand and stepped backward. “I’m sorry that this happened to you, Liam, but I can’t do this one sided anymore, so this is goodbye. Give my love to Emily, and you make damn sure to remember how lucky you are to have her.”

There was nothing Liam could say to stop her walking away again. The back of his throat ached along with the rest of him, and he ran a hand over his mouth as he stared at the point where she had vanished around the corner. He wanted to collapse there, in the middle of the hall, or maybe scream. Of his own failure he compounded one pain with another. And now she was gone. He didn’t love Cassie like he had loved Anna, but the loss added to what he had felt every day for six years.

After some indeterminate time, he pulled himself up and exhaled. There were things he needed to do, tasks he could distract himself with. Liam swung round to return to the room he had come from and discovered he was not alone.

“That uh… looked rough,” said Drake, scratching the back of his head and glancing up the hall where Cassie had disappeared, then back to Liam.

He sighed, breath shaking, and cleared his throat. It did nothing to release the ache. Not that anything ever did. “How much did you see?”

“See? Not much. Heard?” Drake winced and folded his arms, appearing a little guilty. “Voices carry. Everything since you came into the hall.”

Liam’s ears burned again, and he glanced over his shoulder at the memory of Cassie’s anger. It wasn’t something he wanted everyone to know, but Drake wasn’t the worst person to overhear.

“Are you um… are you okay?” Drake asked.

“I just…” Liam drew in a choking breath and released an audible sigh. “Need some space.” Need a friend. “I’ll be fine.”

He didn’t need to look at this friend to know Drake’s expression was a mix of doubt and guilt and pity. It was one of the reasons they didn’t talk about Anna, and why he wasn’t the friend Liam needed right now. The one he needed was gone.

His mobile buzzed in his pocket a minute later on his way down the hall, and he pulled back all of the heaviness to the back of his mind, and focused on the external again. It was the school.

Emily needed him.

——–

Our Own Heroes list: @blackcatkita @kingliam2019 @mom2000aggie @texaskitten30 @missameliep @princess-geek @zoehanji @marshmallowsaremyfavorite @ladyangel70 @whenyourheartskipsabeat @bebepac @iaminlovewithtrr

Please let me know if you would like to be added or removed from the taglist :)

#trr fandom #trr fanfic #trr liam #trr drake #choices trr #trr au #king liam #drake walker #we are our own heroes #choices the royal romance #liam and cassie

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talesofafangirlwithadvr · 4 years

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October/November Picks

Long time no see! So...it’s been a little bit since I’ve posted a wrap up. I had all intentions of posting one after October, but then you know life gets ahead of you and before you know it it’s Thanksgiving. Not much has changed in my viewing habits for these past two months, so I thought I’d group them together for a mega wrap up. Hope you enjoy :)

Without further ado here come some spoilers.....

…..

….

SECRET SOCIETY OF SECOND BORN ROYALS

This Disney + original movie was one of my highly anticipated watches for the fall. I am disappointed to share that it was a let down. The concept was such a cool and creative one. Having the second born in a royal family not simply be the “spare” but be the protector...with superpowers! (In a very YA way, getting their powers at a specific age.) They just should have gone about the story in a better way. I wanted more time with them learning about the powers and to make the villain stronger. Overall the acting wasn’t bad (which is good for a Disney + original), but it was just lacking. The movie was LONG and yet much did not feel like it happened. It was cool seeing Casa Loma (the castle they filmed at) as I was just there two summers ago. Sadly, I will not be watching this movie again.

VIOLETTA SEASON 3

We all already know how pumped I was when season 3 of Violetta was released on Disney Plus in September. I couldn’t believe it after waiting so long for the second season. I really enjoyed the beginning of this season and knew we would be headed down a road where I would grow tired of the storylines.

We have hit that point.

Quick Violetta rant. Things I am done with:

Roxy and Fausta plot

Fran and Diego being a secret

Herman and Priscilla

Pablo not at the studio

Milton being evil

Ludmilla lying

Recently, my sister is catching up to where I am in the season, so this has pushed me to watch more. I am on episode 43 and some of the above venting has been solved, so that is super exciting. I am finding myself wanting to watch it more now, so fingers crossed it continues to get better.

JULIE AND THE PHANTOMS

Kenny Ortega has done it again! When I first heard the premise for this show and watched the trailer on Netflix I wasn’t too sure. Then both of my sisters watched it and they wouldn’t stop talking about it, so that was a sign that I needed to watch it. Since then, I have watched the show twice and can’t stop listening to the music. THIS. SHOW. :) I get the hype. It’s just so wholesome and feel good. The characters are well crafted and the episodes go way too fast. They are the kind of characters (and cast) that make you wish you were a part of the show. I can’t wait for the next season (because there better be one). Definitely add this one to your list if it’s not on their already.

THE OUTPOST

The Summer CW shows were pushed to the fall line up due to delays in filming of the originally planned shows. I hope this means that they’re getting a little more love this year. The Outpost deserves it, as it is currently in its third season. (I think it might have gotten a little more now that the 100 is over and the commercial aired during the 100′s last season. Maybe people heard Black-blood and decided to give it a go.) This season has seen a new threat and during the first eight episodes there’s been MANY twists and turns, making it hard for me to remember how this season started. There’s been a lot of unrest in the Outpost and changes in who is in charge. While there are some unnecessary plot-lines (like that Tobin had to be married), I’m really enjoying others. Like how important Janzo is, his relationship with Ren, more Munt and that TALON AND GARRETT FINALLY GOT TOGETHER!!! It makes me so happy and is what we deserve after these three seasons. I love how strong both of their characters are and how they are both Warriors. I hope the season ends strong.

PANDORA

Just like The Outpost, Pandora was originally a Summer CW show that is now airing its second season. I really enjoyed the first season (like more than I was expecting), so I went in with higher hopes for this new season. Unfortunately, I have been let down so far. With the first season, there were parts that left me confused and my biggest review of this show has always been how there were gaps or moments where I didn’t know how much time had gone by. Those kind of things I could overlook, but this season the overall plot just seems weaker. I think this in part because of so many new characters. I know a lot of the season 1 cast ended their characters’ plots away from the Academy, but I wasn’t expecting them not to be a part of this season’s story. That has been a difficult adjustment. I also feel like I only understand Jax’s story and not so much about the other government/rebellion points. It’s getting a little better, but I hope it gets to be more enjoyable.

THE SPANISH PRINCESS--SEASON 2

When I originally was creating this list I had just started this season, and felt completely different than I do right now. I just finished this season last week. Much like my above review on Pandora, The Spanish Princess wasn’t sucking me in. I had a few episodes gather on the DVR. Then once we hit episode 3 or 4 and more drama was starting/Henry was starting to show glimpses of the Henry VIII we all know, I was growing more interested. In season 2 of the Spanish Princess, we do not see a loving Catherine and Henry for long. Problems Catherine have in conceiving a boy (male heir) are one of the main focal points, as is Woolsey’s growing influence on the king. With several sub-plots this season, I specifically enjoyed learning more about Meg in Scotland (as a big Mary Queen of Scots/Reign fan, I liked seeing a portrayal of her grandmother) as well as Princess Mary Tudor (who I was unfamiliar with. I loved her and Charlie Brandon’s relationship and wish we could have gotten more.) Each week I watched this show, I found myself Googling a lot. That is always one of my favorite parts of watching a historical drama based on true events. I know right now it looks like the producers aren’t continuing with the Tudor line and might have a different part of history as their next show, but I wish they would. I’m feeling the call to watch the Tudors as it’s on Netflix and I haven’t seen it before. I want to learn more about his wives.

BLOWN AWAY

In a complete shift from a period piece, here is another Netflix show I thoroughly enjoyed watching last month. Do you find the act of glass blowing to be extremely interesting, but you would never dream of trying yourself? Or do you like competition game shows that are not like anything else you’ve watched before? Then Blown Away might be for you! It’s a very fast watch with only a handful of episodes that are about a half hour a piece. (I honestly wished they were a bit longer because it was SO GOOD!) Each contestant is a glass blower and they get to show off their skills by competing in a specific challenge. Each episode you see someone get eliminated until the final where the winner gets a residency at Corning Museum of Glass in upstate New York. This show came out in 2019 and I am hoping a second season comes out.

LIFE IN PIECES

This CBS comedy was one that I remember loving when it first came out. But I only remember watching the first season because then I couldn’t remember which day it was on. (It’s going to sound weird, but because I don’t watch a lot on this network I often forget it exists. We also only had a one room DVR at the time, so we couldn’t tape more than 2 things. Oh, the joys of multi-room DVR). After I finished my re-watch of Derry Girls in September, I was looking for another sitcom to re-watch. This was when I stumbled on the full series of Life in Pieces on Amazon video. (It’s free to watch with Prime.) I was so surprised to see there were 4 seasons! Since then I have been watching a good amount of episodes when I sit down to watch it. Now I’m about mid way in the second season. I highly recommend this show if you haven’t seen it before. It gives vibes of Modern Family. Very short episodes that include four storylines. The format is one that I haven’t seen done before in a sitcom.

SUPERMARKET SWEEP

The revival of the beloved game show from the early 90s is now hosted by Leslie Johns and is the best thing you should be watching on Sunday nights. If you know your grocery shopping list like the back of your hand then you are all set for this show. Leslie Johns is hilarious as are the cast of characters that are regulars in her supermarket. I think it would be a great TV show to be on and I’m not just saying that because I want one of the sweatshirts (although that would be great). If you want (another) feel-good watch, look no further! You catch up on demand.

RE-WATCHING

ANNE WITH AN E

It’s hard to believe that we only got the third season of Anne with an E at the beginning of this year (as this year feels like its been going on forever and when I watched the third season I was in a much less stressed place). Currently, I am teaching a class involving Little Women and Anne of Green Gables. The main focus is on how these stories get adapted in recent times and include such modern plots (and sub-plots). Naturally Anne with an E is perfect for this topic (and after watching season 3 at the start of the year) was one of my major reasons for choosing this topic. (The other being Greta Gerwig’s latest Little Women.) As I’ve been planning my schedule, I’ve re-watched this show. There is something so great about watching it from season 1 all the way through to season 3. You get to watch them grow up and it’s crazy to see how young they first were. Comparing it more to the novel has been a fun time, but also analyzing it more has been great and made me appreciate it even more. With all the stress of our current situation watching this show has made me escape and feel good. (Yes, I know I’ve used that word a lot in this wrap up, but it’s true.)

***

******

Hopefully my next wrap up isn’t as delayed. Wishing everyone a happy holiday season!

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ghostmartyr · 4 years

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/clears throat/ so, Immi, I hear you like the locked tomb, which is fantastic! from one person also escaping the snk series into TLT to another, what did you think of the characters and plot in HtN? are there any things you're most excited to see when Alecto comes out in 2022?

-pats lifeboat- This baby can fit so much trauma.

SPOILERS, naturally.

With another paragraph informing the curious that unspoiled is the way to go into HtN, since if you aren’t lost and confused, are you really reading Harrow the Ninth?

I read it all in one day, and that was a choice. It does mean my memory and understanding of what all went on is slightly dependent on someone else on the internet exploding over a particular set of paragraphs and explaining their significance to me, but I still enjoyed the hell out of it.

HtN disappointed me on one front in that I was hoping seeing more of Harrow 1.0 would help out any future fic endeavors. On everything else, like the first one, being told the story is such a good time that I’m willing to wait on a full comprehension of where it’s going.

I also really like second person.

What I loved most about HtN is how even without Gideon mentioned until very, very late in the book, you can feel her absence everywhere. In the wrong bubble flashbacks you’re commanded to examine the strangeness, but even in Harrow going about her day, the isolation and the wrongness of it decorate her every action. She’s alone, and she shouldn’t be, and the loss she’s unaware of bleeds into a constant echo of grief.

I don’t think I’ve ever appreciated absence as a narrative tool so much. Obviously griddlehark hours go hard once they start in HtN, but even before then, there is so much power to their connection that looking into a world where it never exists still manages to punch you in the heart with how much each one inhabits everything the other is.

The whole series is amping me up with a few thoughts on loneliness, honestly. Gideon and Harrow grow up alone on the Ninth, save for each other. It takes leaving for that to be any kind of good thing. The first book is tag team Among Us with everyone in their little clusters, slowly learning what other people are about as they all drop dead.

The second book has a different vibe and different plot things going on, but it’s similar in that the protagonist gets thrown into a world they don’t fit and have to put on a show. Only now there are even fewer people to familiarize with, with that number correlating directly to how they all killed the person closest to keeping them from being alone.

Lyctorhood is taking the person dearest to your heart and trapping them there forever while they’re stripped of everything that made them who they are.

...Also Ianthe is there.

Gideon, Mercy, and Augustine are the last Lyctors standing after 10,000 years. There were only seven, starting out. Sixteen acolytes who came to the First. The only pair who didn’t succeed in condensing themselves is separated from the pack and sent to live away from their peers on a tiny planet that no one has anything good to say about.

Alecto is John’s -- who even knows, past A Lot, and he puts her to sleep and locks her in a prison no one but he can get past.

God has seven friends. More if you want to count the people in the Cohort, but realistically, he has seven friends. Then they keep dying.

Harrow spends HtN in a spaceship with five people.

One is trying to kill her.

One ordered that one to try to kill her.

Two could not care less about the useless baby Lyctor.

One is Ianthe.

There is no real endgame. There is surviving life, and life has become a game of running as far away as possible so you don’t share your ruin upon your inevitable death.

It’s bleak and sad.

Harrow’s healthiest relationships are with dead people, and some of them she didn’t know at all in life.

Reiterating it, the most plot significant bit of the world is finding someone else in the world, swearing yourself to them, and smashing your souls together until you’ve lost the connection entirely.

My brain’s not in the best place so I can’t do more than gesture loudly at it, but a few people have mentioned that the series’ thesis is a counter to Ianthe’s statement that love is acquisitive.

Harrow tightens her hold around Gideon until Gideon would rather she just strangle her and get it over with, all things considered. It fucks them both up, and when they start working to get past it, circumstance wraps a chain around both their throats.

The necromancers who become imperfect Lyctors have all acquired their cavaliers, and besides the cav, it kills that bond.

Harrow’s rejection of that is why Gideon’s soul is still in the world of the living (and John blood).

She has spent her entire life eating pieces of Gideon to keep herself a horrid imitation of whole, and when she is finally offered that, she refuses.

Grief and how Harrow just can’t are active elements of the book, and Magnus gives her more therapy in five minutes talking about it than she has ever had in her life, but the reason why that isn’t the end of Gideon is because, unlike all the other Lyctors, Harrow turns the offer down.

With the exception of Babs and Ianthe, the relationship between cavaliers and necros about to do the Lyctor thing is cavaliers promising to burn for an eternity while their necromancer lives off the fumes.

Fuck that is Harrow’s response.

Cytherea says, in the aftermath, that they had the choice to stop.

Harrow stops.

A lifetime of doing exactly what Gideon is telling her to do with her death, and Harrow chooses to stop.

Harrow remembers Ortus’ poetry. She regularly sees her congregation off to their deaths. She keeps Gideon’s glasses. She views Palamedes, head exploded and all, as an infinitely better person than she is because of the quality of his exemplary character. She pulls Gideon the First from the incinerator on the night she plans to kill him.

Kiddo has so many fucking issues, but somewhere, she has learned to respect people for being people. That’s why she and Gideon are the heroes of the story, ultimately, and Ortus saying that they’re heroes worthy of the Ninth doesn’t fall flat. They’re actually trying.

Where that puts us for Alecto, I don’t pretend to know.

Since the first book is the temptation of an end to isolation, only to have it snatched away, the second book is the continuation of isolation with a few promising sparks of human connection that pave the way for hope...

That leaves the third book to shed the isolation and allow the connections to thrive.

With Gideon and Harrow MIA.

I know that the books kick things up into high gear in the final acts each time, but if they’re both gone for the majority of the book, no matter how much fun it is, I’m going to miss them. They’re the core leads, and I don’t want to be without them in the final part.

The 2022 release date has aged my soul. I deliberately planned my GtN read to land a month before HtN came out, then suffered when that was delayed. When really that was nothing at all. I hate waiting.

(Insert note that I’m very glad they aren’t forcing Muir to rush anything out. It’s been a rough time, but also, just in general authors should have the opportunity to create the best versions of their art they can, so the extra time hurts, but it’s obviously for the best.)

What I’m most excited for is probably the cover art. The first two have been awesome, and the artist said he’d likely do print sales for all three when the third’s revealed. My wallet cries but my heart does not.

What I dare not be excited for is the potential for Gideon and Harrow meeting again and perhaps hugging. In their own bodies.

I’d take other bodies, but ideally, y’know.

Also I would love for Harrow to finally meet her popsicle girlfriend.

I doubt it would be a wholly positive experience, but by golly I want it. Maybe they could hug too. It would probably kill Harrow again, but who doesn’t expect several people to die again in the third book?

However it plays out, I’m expecting to enjoy AtN. The writing’s the sort that I’ll happily follow wherever it goes. For everything else, there’s fanfic. The only real worry I have is the whole book will be narrated by Ianthe, and while I mentally groan at that, I actually find Ianthe’s commentary delightful, so even in the worst case scenario I’m having a good time.

Thank you so much for the ask.

#Harrow the Ninth #Gideon the Ninth #The Locked Tomb #asks #oh I don't have an ask tag for the tomb yet #should work on that #tl;dr #viva la pluto

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writersrealmbts · 4 years

Text

Pack Trials: Seokjin

Description: This wasn’t the way things should work. Are you in charge, or are you a tool? Will you actually find someone through these trials?

Warnings: Mentions of death

There are other groups in this, but this is a BTS part of the fic.

Introduction Here!

Posted: 08/05/2020

Tags: Hybrid AU, Hybrid!BTS, Hybrid!Reader, Readers Choice, Hybrid!Got7, Hybrid Everybody and their Mother, ReaderxSeokjin

Angsty/Fluffy/SFW: 7,160 words

A/N: Feels like I haven’t posted anything in months. (nothing like hitting post when you’re just trying to save a draft)

You groaned in frustration since screaming in frustration definitely wasn’t an option. That would draw far too much attention. The letters had barely cut into the number of men vying for you. If you were especially harsh with your judgment, you might be able to cut the group in half, but that would involve rereading all of the letters, and it had already taken you a whole day to read through them all once.

Plus you had to have the next trial ready to go the moment you ended this one.

You would have to be mean about the next trial. You would have to make them sing. Music was so important and you honestly didn’t think you could spend your life with someone who couldn’t at least carry a tune by your side. Sometimes music was all the packs had to get them through the harshest of winter storms without getting defeated.

You made your decisions, decided the next trial would be a musical competition—singing or instrumentation, or both if they are so gifted—and headed out after a nice nap. You paused near an encampment, realizing most everyone was sitting for a meal and made like you were just taking a quick, brisk walk around before going back to your tent and looking through your supplies to find something to eat.

“Hey.”

You jumped and turned to see Seokjin smiling at you from just inside your tent, out of sight from passers-by and holding a plate of something that smelled fantastic.

You smiled. “Strange place for you to eat your lunch.”

His smile turned into a grin that made his nose wrinkle a bit. “Just take it, y/n.”

“Thanks. I never stored some of the supplies gathered for that trial. I was too busy.”

“I noticed. I’ll spread a rumor about you needing supplies to the other suitors. You’ll have to turn gifts away.”

“Well, I do plan to spend some meals with the different groups of suitors. A sort of long-term trial, I guess you could call it.”

“The letters help?”

“Not particularly, but they cut down some of the suitors. And maybe don’t spread the rumor. I can trade for supplies. I still have goods that my father and I prepared.” You ran a hand through your hair. “So, how ridiculous did I look?”

“Not many people noticed you. We only did because we were talking about you. Worrying about you. We hadn’t seen you cooking and Jimin said your light had still been on late into the night.” He gestured for you to close your tent securely. “If anyone asks, I came to check on you because I heard something fall.”

You nodded, complying easily with his silent order.

“Are you okay?” He asked more quietly. “It’s been a pretty long week.”

You took a deep breath, letting it out again. “I suppose it could be worse.”

He arched an eyebrow. “Your father was murdered after disbanding your pack. You’re forced into choosing a mate before you’ve even been able to mourn. You give up sleep in order to comply to wishes that weren’t your own to begin with. They were your father’s. Don’t look so surprised. I was there, remember? I saw your face, your reaction to what your father said. Your world was torn apart, and yet you stand there acting as if you’re okay. Like it’s okay.”

“It is.”

“Y/n.”

“It is.”

“No, it’s not,” He whispered harshly. “Stop saying that it is!”

“It is! It is because it has to be!” You shook your head, turning away from him, your eyes burning. Your exclamation was met with silence.

His arms wrapped gently around your shoulders and neck, his head resting against the side of yours.

You pushed back a sob.

He hummed softly, pulling you back tightly against his chest. “I’ve got you.”

You shuddered with a sob, jerking your shoulder down so his grip would loosen and you could turn into his chest.

He helped you turn, tucking you to his chest and continuing to hum softly. “You’ve been so strong, just let go for a little while. I’ll keep you safe and no one will ever know. Lean on me, y/n.”

You clutched at his shirt, sobbing and shoving against him a little.

He just held you tighter, hummed a little louder.

You fell apart in his arms, everything crashing down on you while he held the pieces of you together. You muffled your sobs in his chest, hitting him now again as anger and frustration would flare up on top of everything else, and then drooping again as everything else overwhelmed that anger.

He held you the whole time, tightening and loosening as he needed, humming continually. When you calmed to hiccuping sobs, he kissed your forehead and guided you into sitting on your bed. “Eat this, then sleep. I want our medic to check on you.” He rubbed your neck in a way that made you sort of melt into his hold until he laid you back. “Or lay down now. I’ll bring you food when you wake up later, but try not to sleep until you get checked.”

“Why do I need to be checked?” You pouted.

“Because you look ill. None of us want you to be sick. Just get comfortable, okay?” He covered you up carefully, helping you shift the pillows so you were laying more comfortably. “I’ll be back shortly with the medic.”

You nodded, closing your eyes and focusing on the way his hand on your forehead was nice and cool.

“I’ll be right back,” He promised softly, then his hand was gone.

Your eyes snapped open, watching his back disappear through the flaps of your tent. You could hear a little commotion as he stepped out, and his voice as he called to someone, saying that you were unwell, which caused more voices to start talking.

He slipped back in with a medic just behind him. “I think it’s exhaustion.”

The medic, an older woman from the scouts, nodded and came to your bedside, checking your temperature momentarily and then your pulse. “Any aches or pains.”

“A minor headache,” You whispered.

Her sharp eyes studied your face for a moment before nodding. She gave you some herbs to eat, then sent Seokjin away to make an herbal tea and to see if anyone had some soup you could eat.

Once he was gone she sighed a little. “How are you sleeping?”

“I don’t know that I am,” you whispered back.

“Didn’t think you were. Seokjin isn’t going to like this, none of them are, but you know as well as I do that the trials cannot be delayed.” She held your hand gently, looking sad.

“My father is no longer here to keep the peace. Without him, everything rests precariously and the peace could be easily broken. I have to wrap these trials up within the week…but I don’t know how…” You trailed off as tears choked you.

She pulled you up into her arms so you were crying on her shoulder, releasing a calming scent. “When you were small, we always watched you, knowing you would grow up to be strong. You are so much like your mother. She was the defacto leader during the summers. Even the senior warriors charged with protecting us, from both packs, would defer to her judgment. Your father was able to bring about times of peace because of her. Did you know she chose him through the pack trials?”

You shook your head.

“She was an orphan, found by the packs during one of the trials. She was raised to a certain age in each of the packs, and given the choice of what pack to train in when she was old enough. She chose Jay pack, but everyone knew that she wouldn’t fight. She wouldn’t stay in one place. She became a trader, traveling through the packs with ease and familiarity. She was loved in all of the packs, and when she was old enough, she approached the leader and asked to hold the trials for her mate. She had all of the single men vying for her hand. Even Star Pack came and they rarely venture this far. She chose your father, because he made her relax despite the stress of the trials on her shoulders. She chose him because he spoke of peace among all the packs and free trade, which was not something that occurred then outside of your mother’s work. The packs would have an uneasy truce for things such as the trials, and after mates were chosen, there would always be a fight to see which pack the couple went to. Your mother was the first to leave her pack peacefully.”

“Really?”

“Mmhmm, we were all astonished when she just walked right up to him, looked him up and down and turned the the pack leaders and said, “I choose him. I’ll be going with the Arrow pack.” And then she took his hand and walked right out of there. She knew when she had the right one beside her, and you will too.” She smoothed your hair then lay you back down. “You just need to rest and clear your mind.”

The tent rustled as Jin came back in with the tea and a bowl on a tray. “Is she sick?”

“Just tired, as you said. Help her sit up, make sure she eats and drinks that, then let her sleep. I’ll check back a little later.” She patted your hand before getting up and heading out of the tent.

Jin set the tray on the table, then helped prop you up. He started feeding you, even though you mildly protested that you could feed yourself. “Stop fighting me, let me take care of you for now. You know you’re going to have to take care of yourself soon enough. Let me get you stronger first.”

You couldn’t really fight him. He was stronger.

“I wish your father hadn’t allowed all the packs to participate,” Jin whispered. “We all know you’ll be safe and at least relatively happy in Scout or Jay Pack. But can you even name someone from Stem pack that you’re completely comfortable around? Or Jellyfish pack? Don’t get me wrong, they’re nice guys. Truly. And they also want what’s best for you. The suitors all talk about you, and wanting you safe and comfortable with your choices, you know. But can you name one person that you’re comfortable around from either pack?”

“Mark from Stem. He’s nice, and we’ve talked before since he’s a messenger. And N is kind too, for what little I’ve interacted with him.�� You sighed, looking down at your hands. “They’ve all been nice. Especially the group that’s still in the competition.”

He set aside the empty bowl. “Do you know what you’re going to do for the next trial?”

“No.” You closed your eyes. “Can we talk about something else?”

“We’ve been making houses out of the wagons we pull. With beds and kitchens. Namjoon was going to talk to your father, see if he wanted some for his people. Now he and JY are negotiating instead.”

“Really?”

He nodded. “Yoongi has one, and Jimin and Hoseok share one, and Taehyung has his. Namjoon usually stays with Taehyung, and Jungkook sort of floats around. They’re making me one, but they didn’t even let me participate in the planning of it. Apparently, it’s supposed to be a surprise. I don’t know what the big secret is. It’s not like it’s going to be much to see. Maybe a slightly bigger kitchen area than the ones before since I cook for our circle.”

“Because of the shortage of women?”

“That and we were a sub-pack before. One of the only sub-packs. Everyone in the pack is fine with us still sort of being our own sub-pack still because it’s in support of Namjoon, and it’s been helping our entire pack function really well. We’ve got young blood to train soon, but we’re not quite there. We’re growing stronger. Namjoon only brought part of our pack, a lot of our elders, and senior warriors stayed back for farming and such.” He moved to your chair after making sure you were all covered up and laying down again. He fingered the stitching on the quilt you had folded up, your project. “There are still problems, there always will be. But as long as I keep the boys from overworking themselves, everything should work out for the best.”

“And who will keep you from overworking yourself?” You asked, curling to the side to look at him more easily.

He just gave you a smile. “Who says I’m overworking myself?”

“I would say Jimin since I’ve seen him helping you when your neck hurts. Or back.”

He stared at you for a few second, then smiled again. “Have you been sneaking around camp?”

“I did during the hunting trial. Not often, but some nights. When I was feeling restless.”

He hummed thoughtfully, but then he just kept humming songs that served to lull you a little into dozing despite not wanting to lose the moment.

You wanted to keep talking with him. It felt so nice after basically being isolated, but you were so comfortable with him that it was quickly become impossible for you to stay awake.

When you did wake, it was because a medic from Jay pack was gentle waking you as she checked on you.

“I apologize, but it’s time to wake up.”

You blinked a few times, forcing your eyes open. “Yes. Of course. I’ll…be ready in a few moments.” Your voice sounded terrible to your own ears.

She paused a moment, then seemed to understand there was nothing she could do at the moment to help. “There’s some breakfast on your table, try to eat something before you come out,” She said kindly, then left you.

You pushed up, feeling as though you were well-rested while also feeling weaker than before. Your heart experiencing the same sort of conflict.

Everyone was waiting for you by the time you finished dressing and eating some of the food that was brought to you.

You dipped your head to the pack leaders, then took your seat.

“Y/n?” JY asked quietly.

“Sing. Anyone that moves me moves on,” You told him, voice feeling hoarse. “Special consideration for the first ten performers.”

“Are you ill?” He asked, sounding mildly alarmed.

“I’ll be fine. Please announce the trial,” You answered, trying to speak as evenly as possible with as little hoarseness as possible. “Quickly.”

“Right. Next Trial! You are to sing! Anyone who can move her, will continue to the next trial and the first ten performers will be given special consideration for their quick thinking and willingness to step up to the plate. Ten minutes to get instruments!”

For a moment, everyone looked frozen, then they went racing off to get instruments so that they wouldn’t have to sing acappella.

Jungkook and Yoongi had run to get the instruments for the Scouts, the rest all huddled together and talking song strategy—probably for those that weren’t exactly vocally gifted.

“A bold move, my lady,” Stem commented, sounding amused at the very least.

You nodded to him, not trusting your voice.

“Tea, my lady?” A girl from Jellyfish asked, approaching the dais with a tray of tea and snacks.

You nodded, gesturing for her to approach.

She set it on the table. “There you are, my lady. Some nice peppermint tea.” Then she showed you another bowl. “Also, some freshly harvested honey if you wish to sweeten your tea, and some lemon candies.”

“Thank you,” You said after taking a sip of the tea. You had a sneaking suspicion that some of the medical women from the different packs had gotten together to send this up without raising the suspicion of the pack leaders. Honey was a treat and no one would even think twice if you were to just eat straight-up honey when offered it.

You waited a while, noticing that someone was getting ready to perform.

Some of the performances were really good, others were…valiant efforts.

Namjoon sang so terribly, obviously knowing he wouldn’t get points for being on key and made the whole thing so funny that you marked him as through just for making you laugh despite how painful your throat was getting.

So after his, you were definitely treating yourself to some honey.

But you had to make an important distinction between the good performances and the ones that you felt in your bones.

Your boys from the scouts sang some songs that were so familiar to you that they were like old friends.

Taehyung sang your favorite song from your childhood.

Jin sang a song with Jimin that you were used to hearing your father sing.

A song your father used to sing with your mother. In it’s best form, it was a song that two lovers sang together, but the boys made it work and you were dangerously close to crying. Only your will keeping the tears from falling.

Many others sang equally well, some songs you hadn’t heard before but were quite willing to add to your memories to repeat one day.

But the duet was the one that stuck with you as you wrote down your final decisions and left while JY announced it to go make yourself some lunch. You weren’t certain what you would make for lunch but—

A pot of soup was boiling on your personal stove and a young girl from Jay pack bowed to you before scurrying off.

You quickly moved into your tent to savor the soup and brainstorm the next idea. Archery? That could work. Or completely backfire.

You ate as fast as you could and then hurried back to the arena, surveying it for ideas. Archery and then what?

“Singing, really?” Hoseok asked, a laugh in his voice.

You jumped and turned toward him, then quickly looked around to make sure he was the only one around. “First thing that came to mind.”

His smile disappeared. “You are sick. Hyung said he thought you might be—”

“I am not sick, I simply have a sore throat. It can be caused by any number of things. Now, what is your purpose in coming here.”

He studied you for a moment. “Hyung told me to check on you. He didn’t want you to get sick of him pestering you, I think.”

You sighed and rubbed your head. “Sorry, I’m just…I’m trying to think. Tell him I ate a full meal and I’m fine.”

“Okay.” He still sounded worried, but he left you alone after patting your shoulder in what you supposed to be a comforting gesture.

You stood there, trying to calm down after, trying to turn your attention back to the trials.

You wished you were back in bed, listening to Seokjin humming songs or talking to you.

A banner caught your eye.

“My lady? JY has sent me to assist you?”

You turned to Seungmin. “Get me a sheet and something to write on it with, as well as pen and paper, then spread the word that the next trial will be archery, followed by a trial where they will need pen and paper.”

He quickly bowed and dashed off to do as you told him.

You ran over a few questions in your head, possibilities for your test.

He returned with some of the other Jay pack boys that weren’t part of the trial to help carry the things you had asked for. “Anything else we can help with, my lady?”

“I’ll need this kept out of sight until it’s time for the trial, and someone to bring it out when it is time. However,” You paused to swallow hard, your throat getting scratchy again. “Right now I need you to go take this inquiry to JY.” You handed him a quickly scratched out note.

Another one took it and ran off after bowing.

You spread the sheet out on the dais, smiling as the boys quickly found rocks to pin it down for you. Then you painted on it, carefully, making sure everything was readable and clear.

You surveyed your work, smiling a little. “What do you boys think?”

“Milady is a skilled huntress,” Seungmin said simply, rereading it.

You nodded. “Alright, could you boys carefully move it out of sight?”

The boy who had run off when your message to JY ran back in with the rest of the Stray subpack that wasn’t part of the trial. “He said you have full permission!”

“Excellent, then you can take this to the meeting tent. And if you would, gather tables and chairs?”

Felix bowed quickly, grinning. “Yes, miss!”

They rushed off.

You sat down in your chair to quickly write down every question you could think of. Then you set it aside, sitting properly and waiting.

Slowly people trickled back in, speaking in hushed tones as they glanced your way.

The pack leaders stepped onto the dais, dipping their heads to you.

All of the contestants had their bows.

As expected, it didn’t really help. Most pack members knew how to shoot a bow out of necessity, so you only managed to cull a few from the herd.

You stood as JY announced who had been cut from the trials.

JY glanced at you to confirm that you wanted to continue with your plan.

You nodded, walking toward the stairs.

“The next trial will be conducted in the meeting tent, all participants in the trial should report there as soon as possible with the tools for writing.”

An immediate reaction was heard, gasps and whispers of disbelief, followed by contentious murmuring.

You smiled to yourself for a moment as you walked toward the Meeting tent, then quickly schooled your expression.

“Surely the pack leaders will be allowed to oversee,” Stem asked, mostly catching up.

“Surely not,” You replied, turning to face them. “And if you insist on doing so, I will enforce the rules of the trials. Did you know that a pack leader who tries to force something on the one holding the trials automatically forfeits his rights to leadership?”

He let out a choked sound of disbelief.

“It’s in the charter,” You added with the sweetest smile you could muster. “Now please, go relax with the rest of your pack. If this goes as I plan, then there shouldn’t be many trials after this one. Then we can all be on our way, back to our own territories to continue on with life. Don’t make it harder for me to choose someone from your pack by making it undesirable for me to answer to you.”

Jellyfish sputtered with laughter before he could help himself, earning a glare from Stem.

You raised your chin slightly. “I’ll take your silence as acquiescence.” You pivoted and strode away, heart racing. You just openly defied a pack leader.

Your suitors filed into the tent quickly, just a short while after you entered yourself, most stopping to stare at the words you’d painted onto the sheet.

Hoseok smiled, meeting your gaze and his grin widening.

You figured that meant he forgave you for snapping at him.

The men finally finished sitting down, pulling out papers and writing utensils.

“To begin, I will read off the questions you will answer. If you would be so kind as to write them down so I need not repeat myself all through the day, I would appreciate it.” You sat down, unfolding the page. “Question One—”

——

You finished grading the last one, setting it aside with the others.

Obviously they’d been careful with their answers, but some of them had been a little too…flamboyant.

The first question was find out what they thought your position in the pack would be should you choose them for a mate.

Your least favorite was someone who basically outlined a life of having pups and serving him. He didn’t word it that way, but that’s what you gleaned from it.

The rest of the questions were along similar lines, how they saw you, how they would react to you in various states.

Like question five, it asked what they thought would cheer you up if you were sad. Your least favorite answer for that one was “bring you the moon and stars”. You got the gist of what he wanted to say, but it was his fourth non-answer answer. The least effective answer someone gave was “bring you candy”. While you liked candy, you were not a child and candy was not enough to cheer you up.

You’d been vicious with your grading though, and you were almost certain that there would be backlash on this trial.

You finished your honey-tea and walked briskly to the arena, hearing panicked calls that you were headed that way. Well, at least you had everyone on edge. That might keep them from lashing out right away.

Or it might make them lash out more.

You might start a riot.

You definitely didn’t want to start a riot. A riot would lead to fighting, fighting would lead to a battle, a battle would lead to a war. A war wouldn’t solve anything, just bring more chaos and destruction.

You didn’t remember the stakes being this high for previous pack trials.

Then again, you didn’t remember ever seeing as many suitors as you had participating in the trials. Normally there were ten to fifteen suitors.

You were just now paring it down to that amount.

“Y/n,” JY called, then caught up with you. “A word before we go into this?”

You frowned slightly, but nodded, letting him pull you aside to an area where anyone could see the two of you speaking, but you would be able to tell if anyone was close enough to hear.

He glanced around once more, then met your gaze, not domineering, but concerned. “There’s been word…whispers, really, of going against your wishes. Now, the suitors and the former suitors don’t seem to have any knowledge of such a thing or any inclination to do so, but where there are whispers—”

“There’s a breath of truth. I understand.”

“There’s more.”

You felt your heart sink. “More?”

“Something I should have told you. There’s been a lot of unrest before these trials, skirmishes on borders and the like. Your father…he was worried before that the treaty wouldn’t hold any longer. And with the Arrow pack land now open the other packs might think to use this as an opportunity to push the Jay or Scout packs into the land vacated to expand their own hunting grounds.” He looked at the ground. “The trials were a bid to buy the Jay pack and the Scout pack time to fortify our defenses, if you had agreed. If you didn’t agree, we would have used the uneasy truce of the gathering to fortify our borders. Your father would have deferred into one of our packs, allowing you to join whatever pack you wished.”

“What role did the Scouts play in this plan?”

“Namjoon was aware, but reluctant about your role in the plan. His second hand…or his third hand? I can’t keep track of their hierarchy, anyway, he objected politely but fervently.”

“Yoongi?”

“No, the other one from his subpack, uh, Seokjin?”

You frowned. “They didn’t know until the day I agreed?”

“They knew we were going to try and buy time for our packs to strengthen, but not your part in it.” He looked a little nervous.

Maybe he could tell that some small part of you wanted to rip his throat out right then and there.

“I am not a pawn on your chess-board of warfare,” You said, your voice surprisingly calm, with only a slight bite to the word “pawn”.

“No, you are no pawn. You are a king, if you are lost, so is everything else,” He answered, voice urgent.

“You are wrong,” A soft voice said.

Both of you flinched, turning toward the intruder.

Jin looked between you, then settled on you. “You’re drawing a crowd.” He tilted his head toward where people were watching from a distance, uncertain whether they should continue to the arena or stay and watch.

You let out a huff, then started walking. “We were done here anyway.”

“Y/n—”

“No,” You snapped at JY, whipping around to face him. “No, you gave up the right to use my name when you decided to use me in your scheme. Do you understand the torment I put myself through for this? I lost my father, and it is only now that you tell me the stakes? I have grown weary of your games and deceit. Do not believe me ignorant of your own self-interest in this game of suitors.”

JY looked surprisingly ashamed.

“Y/n,” Seokjin said softly. “Not here.”

You glared for another moment at JY. “I’ll let you come up with a cover story for this spat.” Then you turned and strode toward the arena. You spotted one of the Scout boys that you had spoken to before, Yeonjun, and flicked your fingers to beckon him.

He hurried over.

“I need your voice. Think you can announce things for me?”

He blinked in surprise, then nodded. “Yes, my lady. Is everything alright?”

“Just a bit of a sore throat.” You led the way onto the dais, sitting down and handing him the list, but gesturing for him to wait.

JY came in with the other observing leaders, sitting in the seats behind you.

The suitors lined up in front of you.

You waited until everyone seemed to have quieted, then gestured to Yeonjun.

He stepped forward. “When your name is called, please step forward. If your name is not called, you have not advanced to the next round.”

There was surprise on the faces of some that made it through, and on some of the faces that did not make it through.

But your gaze kept falling back to one person.

“My lady, the next trial?” Yeonjun asked in a whisper.

You stood, resting a hand on his shoulder. “I can take care of that. Thank you for your assistance. Give this to Namjoon, and this to JB from Jay pack.”

He bowed and rushed off.

You went down to look over the suitors, maintaining a distance from them, really only caring about one. But you needed to buy time.

You approached Jungkook, resting a hand on his shoulder. “You’re dismissed from the trials. Report to your leader.”

His eyes widened. “Y/n.”

“Go,” You whispered, more forcefully.

He bowed and walked away.

You went up to the next, Jackson. “Which is more important, pack or individuals?”

He frowned. “Individuals make up a pack. So, individuals.”

You nodded slightly, moving to the next suitor, Suho. “During lean times, which is more important: laughter, or song?”

Suho’s eyes widened, and he didn’t seem to know how to respond for a moment. Then he frowned slightly. “Laughter?”

You tilted your head and walked past Seokjin to Jinyoung. “Do you actually care for me?”

His mouth opened, but you could see in his eyes.

You nodded. “You are dismissed, report to your subpack leader.” You walked away from him, going down the line of suitors, skipping others now and then asking questions, not always because you wanted to know their answer, but because you needed to buy time. And if you didn’t like their answer, then dismissing them was beneficial. You had everyone’s attention focused on you instead of the slight thrum of secret activity outside of the arena. Instead of noticing the way the Scouts and the Jays were slipping out of the crowd.

You definitely had their attention when you dismissed Jackson, the last Jay pack member up there.

You came to a halt in front of Seokjin finally, studying him for a moment. You’d pared it down to five suitors, but you had yet to ask him a single question.

He met your gaze, unchallenging, gentle, lacking his usual…vibrance. He dipped his head to you after a moment, then met your gaze again.

“You said he was wrong,” You started softly. “That I wasn’t the King. What piece would you say I am?”

“You’re the Queen,” He answered, just as softly. “You’re the strongest player, but if you’re lost, the game cannot be won. You have the free-est range of movement and your adaptability and deadliness is incomparable.”

“Have you been acting as a rook or bishop, protecting me and the King, or are you a King?”

“I don’t know,” He said, a hint of a smile on his face.

You nodded, then turned slightly, to walk to the next suitor.

But you stopped.

The crowd was so quiet, every eye on you. The packs outside of the arena needed you to hold out longer.

“It’s okay, y/n. You’ve done more than they should have expected from you,” Jin said softly.

Your breath hitched.

“You don’t have to choose. It’s okay. You can walk away from it. No one with a heart could blame you,” He continued, a little louder, but not enough to make sure his voice reached you and maybe be overheard a little by the closest suitor. “You don’t have to choose.”

You swallowed and turned away, toward the dais. You went up there, grabbed your notebook, and looked at the leaders.

You dipped your head, then went back down to the suitors, who had bunched up a little whispering just a little while Seokjin shrugged.

They got quiet again as you came to a standstill just four feet from them.

You flipped through your notebook, glancing over the data and mostly just putting on a show for people.

You nodded firmly, tucked your notebook into your pocket, walked forward briskly.

Seokjin blinked down at you, confused.

“Take me home,” You whispered up to him. “I choose you, so please take me away from here. And never make me come back.”

He glanced at the other suitors, who seemed equally surprised as him, but also sympathetic after hearing your words.

You tugged his hand. “Please tell me you choose me too.”

He met your gaze again, and nodded. “I do. I choose you. I chose you.”

“Then take me home,” You told him, a little more desperately. More emotional. You were unraveling faster than you wanted to.

“Y/n, if we start to walk out of here…” He trailed off, glancing guiltily at the others.

“Go,” Suho whispered. “We’ll hold them back. That’s all we can do for you.”

Ken nodded. “We’re sorry it came to this, y/n. I hope…I hope we can meet peacefully again someday.”

“Maybe when the leadership changes,” You whispered, understanding.

“Go,” Suho whispered again, nodding. “And may happiness meet you both.”

Seokjin dipped his head to them, then started walking briskly out with your hand firmly grasped in his.

You caught up to fall in step with him, head held high because there was no time to show weakness.

Once the two of you were out of the arena, he pulled you into a run—the noise from the arena rising in volume from the surprise and indignation.

“Why me?” He asked, a little out of breath as the two of you hopped into the van that was waiting.

You slammed the door shut, and fell back against him as Jungkook floored it. “Because you saw when I was falling apart.”

He wrapped his other arm around you, pulling you properly onto the seat then helping Taehyung buckle you in. “That’s a silly reason.”

“Too late, you can’t take it back,” You told him, curling up to rest against him, head on his shoulder.

He draped a jacket over your head. “You know…”

“I know. You’re not normally this serious. I do know. I miss that side of you, but considering it’s missing because you’ve been worried about me, and the war…”

He gently kissed the top of your head.

It was early morning when you woke up, deep in Scout territory, and you were alone in the van, laid on the seat with someone’s coat to keep you comfortable. Smelled like Jin’s.

You ventured out of the van, taking in the pale shape of trees and the murmurs of those around the various campfires. The scents of different meals just hints on the chilly breeze that blew through camp. It looked like a semi-permanent camp, like a few people were always stationed in the small grouping of cabins way off to your left, made to support those who came temporarily. And maybe that was a forge near the cabins, or an outdoor oven, but the early morning light made it hard to distinguish.

You followed your instinct, moving along the paths created by the different camps, searching for the proper one.

“Hey,” Jin said brightly, falling into step with you. “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” You replied, studying his face.

“Did you sleep well?”

You nodded. “Apparently.”

“Would have moved you, but I didn’t want to wake you. You needed the sleep. I’ve almost finished breakfast.” He led you to a slightly larger camp, one the boys obviously shared that was actually in the opposite direction than the one you had been walking. There were three wagons, and two tents, one of which was slightly larger than the others—the smaller having the appearance of a command tent.

Jin led you to a chair beside the fire, where you could take in their whole camp, then went inside the larger tent (which you could see had an old cot against one wall and all of their cooking supplies filling the rest of the tent). He came out with two blankets, draping one over your shoulders and laying the other over your legs, before hunching over his veritable kitchen of campfire cookware that was set up, all with some sort of food on them. “This spot is a breakaway point. Some of them will head to where most of the women, children, and elders were waiting. Others will split into hunting groups. Our group will be splitting off as well, us and our sub-group in training. We’ll be heading to the crafting camp first, apparently my wagon is finished. Don’t know why it took so long. I really only need a bed.”

“You’re sore,” You said, then glanced back toward that cot. “Did you sleep on that thing?”

He shrugged. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not.”

“I am.”

“You’re not.”

“I—” He broke off, blinking up at you in surprise just before his dramatic rebuttal. “This is payback isn’t it?”

“Just a bit,” You answered, smiling a little as you got up, keeping the blanket around your shoulders. “Can I help?”

“Oh, no, you should—”

“What needs to be done,” You insisted. “I have hands. I slept clear through dinner yesterday. I’m hungry and helping will make it go faster.”

He chuckled and gave you a job.

The two of you cooked in silence, greeting the boys as they woke up and joined you all for eating.

He didn’t say much the rest of the morning, a few jokes here and there, goofing off with the other boys.

They split up in the vehicles to go to the crafting camp, Jin driving one vehicle, Jungkook driving the one that was pulling Namjoon’s wagon, Hoseok driving the vehicle pulling his and Jimin’s wagon, and Yoongi driving the vehicle pulling his own wagon.

And it was just the two of you in the vehicle, but it was a while before the silence was broken.

“You seem like you’re feeling better,” Jin said quietly.

“I am. Sleeping helped.” You watched his face. “You have questions.”

“A few.”

“I was serious about choosing you,” You told him quietly.

“But—”

“Seokjin-oppa,” You murmured. “You’ve always had my best interests at heart. If you don’t want me—”

“That’s not what I said,” He said quickly. “I just don’t want you to be unhappy with me.”

“I won’t be. I have the wherewithal to find satisfaction in whatever situation I may be, so long as I never have to deal with all that had to do with the trials. Ever.”

He glanced at you, pulling in alongside the other boys and turning off the van before facing you. “I want you to be more than satisfied. I want you to be happy.”

You studied his face, one that you knew so well and yet was so foreign. “I think I have to learn how to be happy again. Think you can help show me?”

He smiled a bit. “I think I could do that. But the boys say my jokes are pretty bad.”

You considered that for a moment. “Well, I suppose we’ll find out if I think they’re bad as well.”

Both of you jumped when Jimin slammed his hands against the window on the driver’s side.

“Come on! You have to see your new trailer! Eyes closed! You too, y/n! It’s your home now, too,” Jimin laughed out, opening the door.

You got out, following over to a spot and letting Taehyung cover your eyes.

They were scrambling in front of you, doing something or other.

“Okay!”

You opened your eyes to see the biggest wagon yet.

“What…is this?” Jin asked beside you, sounding confused.

You looked at Namjoon, then the wagon. You grabbed Jin’s hand.

“It’s for you, hyung,” Jungkook said, laughing a bit.

You pulled Jin to the wagon, letting Hoseok open the door for you, but you pulled and shoved Jin ahead of you so he could see it first.

Jin was so astonished that he was silent as he looked around.

You grinned, seeing the love for Jin in every part of it. How much they must rely on him still since they made sure there was space for all of them in there, without crowding Jin.

Jin was focused on the kitchen, then he seemed to notice you again, and he stared at you.

You held his gaze, smiling still.

He walked toward you, pushing Jimin out and closing the door, locking it so they were all out.

“Jin?” You asked, surprised.

“They’re noisy. It’s our first time in our new home,” He said, shaking his head. “Come on. This is our home. Welcome to our home.”

You smiled. “Welcome to our home.”

Maybe it wasn’t the same as ‘I love you’, but it was something that the two of you shared in a new life together.

A home.

–

Masterpost.

Masterlist. ~ Introduction.

Tagging: @bryophytas @young-yellkie @alex–awesome–22 @bryvada @missmoxxiesworld @knjhe @i-dont-even-know-fck

#packtrialsseries #pack trials #kim seokjin #seokjin #pack dynamics #bts #bts fic #bts fanfic #Werewolf!AU #hybrid!au #jin #namjoon #jimin #jungkook #taehyung #yoongi #hoseok

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halothenthehorns · 3 years

Text

TLTNL- DUDLEY DEMENTED

The graveyard appeared in a haze around him, and the tombstones were the good features. The memory resurfacing in his mind's eye as he relived the moment again and again, Voldemort's ghastly white face, the threats and promises of his death, and always lingering in the background, Cedric-

"Harry, Harry love, wake up."

A gentle hand was brushing the bangs away from his face, only twitching slightly over the scar but continuing the methodic pattern. Squinting past the gray haze of sleep, he caught a glimpse of red, and for a moment was sure it was Ginny, but that faded absently from his mind without even fully registering why she'd be there.

Then he kept blinking, and instead of the wide brown eyes of Mrs. Weasley promising a hug whenever he did, or didn't, need one, his own green were staring down at him.

"Mum?"

For a moment Harry wasn't entirely sure if he was even awake...but his eyes were already closing again, her soft voice whispering reassurances, "it's alright dear, you're safe here."

Real or not, Harry felt himself relaxing under that touch, and soon faded back into a restless rem of a long dark corridor...

Lily was cooking breakfast with an absent minded look on her face. She wasn't churning on the book they'd most recently finished though, if she lingered on that to long she was likely to start crying into the pot below her. No she was instead worrying over the fact that they had an Order meeting tonight, and the four of them would be unable to attend. Once she'd served breakfast and brought this to the attention of the others, Sirius brushed her off at once.

"Quit fretting Lil's, so we miss one meeting, they won't go flying off the handle for that."

"Besides, I think it's for the best," Remus grumbled towards his bowl without looking at anyone. "Doubt some of us could walk in there without executing a murder we couldn't fully explain." He took an extra hard bite at his spoon at the end, nearly ripping the metal off.

James's hand twitched on the way to his mouth, spilling porridge over his nose instead, and only after he'd carefully wiped it up did he say, "it's not like we can do anything about it. If someone comes around here asking questions, we'll do the same as we did before and pretend like nothing's wrong. It's none of their business if we're being extra cautious of late and didn't attend this one meeting."

Lily was stirring her food absently in the bowl, she hadn't touched a bite. She was too busy straining over the fact that they could honestly use the Order's help with this. They should know that there was a traitor among them before any more secrets were spilled, and she couldn't help the deep longing she had just to see them all. So many were going to die in the coming year.

Harry watched them all with a deep ache, again feeling personally responsible he was putting them in such a hard spot all because of his presence. No one was eating much anymore, and when Harry went to put his finished bowl away and began collecting the others no one protested.

Despite the fact that they all knew full well this stupid book was as likely as the last ones going to start with the Dursleys, Remus kept the baby almost hopefully in his lap. He felt safer with his little cub in his arms while hearing about them than having to picture this very infant around those people. Harry in particular couldn't help but smile when he saw this. Aside from his own parents, there was just something adorable about Remus holding a baby he couldn't put into words.

It was a somber group that flopped down into their spots in the living room and Sirius who started without much enthusiasm, and the book he had to grab wasn't helping. It was solid black, only the faint purple five on the spine barely catching the light showed it was next. Sirius tried to pretend that wasn't a bad omen as he cleared his throat.

Privet Drive was coming to the close of another heated day.

Sirius had never believed he could say a street name with as much hatred as he hurled that out with.

All cars were parked, and the once green lawns seemed to be withering on sight for the use of hosepipes had been banned due to drought.

"Huh?" James asked in confusion. He'd admit he was also trying to delay a bit until he had to hear about the inside of one particular house.

"Hosepipes are used to pump water out," Lily grumbled more than explained, at this point she'd pay Sirius just to skip these parts until Harry could escape to the Burrow, but she also knew that wouldn't do any good. In some perverse way she wanted to know every terrible thing Petunia and Vernon had done to her son, that way she could kill them with a much more clear conscious knowing everything. "Sometimes in very hot summers, the city puts restrictions up so the residents have limited use."

James couldn't even imagine the idea, but then again, he'd never thought to question where the water came when he used a spell.

Without their usual aquatic uses to keep them busy outdoors, the inhabitants of Little Whinging were now more seen inside with all windows thrown open in attempts to coax a nonexistent breeze. The only person left outside was a boy in the flowerbeds of number four.

"Please tell me they don't have you out there pruning in that weather," Remus forced out between gritted teeth.

"Nope," Harry murmured. His memories of the summer were still murky, the last clear thing he remembered was getting off the train into Vernon's car, but he already had a bad feeling about how this summer had gone. Not that any of his summers at that place were ever really considered pleasant, so maybe he was just getting this one confused with a previous one? He hoped so, because the bad feelings bubbling up in him now weren't proving a good omen.

Very skinny, with black wild hair and spectacles covering green eyes, he looked even more unhealthy than usual laying in the dying plants.

"That comes from too little nourishment," Lily sneered, thinking back to the new levels of starving they'd been putting her boy through that past summer.

Harry Potter's appearance was an unwelcome sight to the sort of people in this town who thought scruffiness should be punishable by law,

"Well I think how you treat him is punishable by law!" James snapped, "and I can't bleeding wait to act on it."

Harry got the sense he wasn't going to be reporting the Dursleys to anyone, but his father would be facing his own law somewhere in there, causing Harry to inch away from him just a bit in fear. He really wasn't looking forward to what would happen to his muggle relatives when they got out of here.

but Harry had hidden himself behind some hydrangea bushes and so was currently invisible to anyone who would glare.

"Why were you hiding yourself?" Sirius asked, infusing some mischief into his voice Harry quickly shot away with an exasperated look. He had no more clue than them, yet. Besides that, Harry had always strived to keep himself out of trouble at the Dursleys, though hardly ever exceeding that wasn't the point.

The only way he could be spotted was if someone stuck their head out the window of the living room and looked directly down on him. Harry felt he should be congratulated for finding this spot.

"Well congratulations then," James nodded somberly. He really couldn't find any of his normal enthusiasm while having to hear about Harry there. He was half waiting any moment for Voldemort to pop up all over again and start trying to curse his son where he lay, though hopefully he'd at least hit Vernon first.

It may not have been comfortable, but it was far better than trying to sit in the living room where Vernon kept grinding his teeth so loud and snapping accusing questions at Harry, he couldn't hear the news.

Now Harry could feel the soft melding beginning on the edges of his mind as a memory was being returned, and he was more confident than ever his first impulse had been right, he'd found a new level of hate for his summer holidays. He was utterly confident it had something to do with watching the news, or perhaps a lack of news-

"I know you're not going to answer," Remus sighed as he watched baby Harry begin gumming on the sleeve of his robes, "but I really am curious why you're trying to spend time with them like that."

"Enjoying their company is not my reason for being in there," Harry at once said with conviction, "but I'm getting a bad feeling of why I am there."

"I get a bad feeling any time you're there," Lily sniffed, though everyone felt themselves tensing up even more at Harry's proclamation. What a way for this book to start, in such an already tense and uneasy atmosphere.

As if these thoughts had been spoken aloud, Vernon chose that moment to speak up and demand to know where their miscreant nephew was?

Petunia returned carelessly not in the house.

Vernon grunted this was a good thing, demanding of no one what that boy was really up to, he did not buy his story of watching the news.

Harry could feel the soft pressure it caused for his memories to be returned, his listening in on this conversation had finally given him a timeline of where in the summer he was, and the heavy sigh he released relieved no one of their worries. It managed to increase the look of agitation on Harry's face as he realized he'd been left to stew in nothing for a solid month with no useful contact from anyone. He threw Sirius in particular a disgruntled look for his letters he remembered from his godfather, then he sat there and really looked at him for a moment with some monster of a feeling telling him he should be valuing any letter Sirius sent him...

The others had noticed Harry, but they figured if he wasn't sharing it was best not to ask as that had only caused him pain in the past.

No normal boy should even be interested in such a thing, Dudley didn't have a clue who the Prime Minister was.

"He says that like it's a good thing," Remus cocked his head to the side in, well more disbelief than usual for Vernon's mental health.

"It does explain a bit about them though," Sirius curled his lip in disgust. "They enjoy their son being as daft as a stick like they are, they hate Harry for not conforming to that."

Vernon continued even louder in disbelief it's not as if his lot would be on the news-

Sirius rolled his eyes in disbelief at such a statement, he'd been on there only two years ago, and now Vernon even knew who he was. It wasn't actually possible for someone to be that dense was it?

"As if he doesn't know better," James snorted in disgust, thinking back to that first book which seemed like a kindness now, and all of their odd mentionings he'd tried to make a comment to Petunia about. He supposed Vernon had simply blocked that from his mind though, puny as it was, he needed the space for all his insults.

but Petunia quickly shushed him as she reminded the window was open.

"These people have far to much concern with being spied on," Lily scoffed in disgust, but she already knew how self important they found themselves.

"Petunia does enough of it," Remus forced something resembling a smile, "I'm sure she's just expecting retribution."

Vernon quickly agreed and silenced himself as another commercial started in their room. Out on the street, Harry was watching Mrs. Figg amble along apparently muttering to herself.

Harry's eyes narrowed in on this, he'd been far too shy when this had first been brought up, and far too out of it when Dumbledore had mentioned it in the last book, but now taking any excuse to not speak of the Dursley's for a moment Harry confirmed, "you said there was a Figg in the Order?"

"Yes," Remus confirmed, "but I'm still not convinced it's not the same one we know. Surely if she's been looking after you all these years, she'd have told Dumbledore about your err, living arrangements in your younger years." His face was murderous by the end at having to phrase a child living in a cupboard in that light, but if he'd actually said the words they'd come out more as a growl.

"I never told her that though," Harry shrugged, "never told anyone."

Lily narrowed her eyes on her son for that, but she blamed the Dursleys more than Harry for that. More than likely he'd been warned with a harsher punishment than no meals, she shuddered slightly at even the thought of that man putting his hands on her son and quickly cut off her train of thought while answering, "yes, well there's still the other things. Those ratty clothes and your very clear malnourishment plus never taking you anywhere while they spoiled Dudley rotten. Surely she'd at least mention that to Dumbledore who would have investigated further."

Harry wasn't as sure, the Dursley's had often spread around he was a sickly kid to excuse his looks and how they couldn't find any clothes to fit him properly, and there really was something nagging at his mind of Mrs. Figg and Dumbledore...but he let the matter go nonetheless.

Harry was more pleased than ever for his concealment, as Mrs. Figg had taken to inviting him round her place for tea when she caught sight of him recently.

Lily gave a soft little sigh of pity for the poor old thing, she probably got lonely especially since Harry hadn't stayed around anymore.

Vernon piped up in the living room again, asking if Dudders was out for tea?

Remus spluttered in shock as he looked at Sirius like he'd spoken Norwegian.

Sirius looked just as disbelieving as he rolled his eyes at what he'd said. "I'll believe Dudley's out having tea with friends when Harry dates Malfoy."

Harry retched at the idea theatrically while laughing along with the others, privately thinking to himself all that he'd already caught Dudley doing that summer when he was supposedly 'out.' His parents really were blind.

Petunia responded with fondness at once of which friend's house he was at tonight, cooing over how many of his little play mates he had.

James scoffed in disgust, he had more reasons than he'd ever dream of hating these stupid in laws of his, but their continued ignorance still chafed him for just how purposefully stupid they were being.

Harry suppressed a snort with difficulty. The Dursleys really were astonishingly stupid about their son, Dudley.

"Yet I'm not even surprised," Remus rolled his eyes.

Harry's cousin wasn't out having tea with anyone, but was instead out with his gang terrorizing all the children of the neighborhood and vandalizing whatever they pleased.

They were all muttering in frustration at this little delinquent, but honestly it was just a nice change of pace to hear he wasn't tormenting Harry as much as he'd seemed to before they weren't putting too much effort into it.

Harry had witnessed it himself while scavenging the streets looking for newspapers.

Sirius finished that a bit sadly, his mind flickering back to his having done the same in Hogsmeade and not appreciating the similarities to him and his godson in these lights. Harry was probably getting just as much food as a few rats at that place as well.

"Why were you scavenging for newspapers?" James asked with a wince, trying to deny he'd been picturing the same thing as Sirius.

Harry chewed on that for a moment, debating whether to tell them and get it over with or let the book tell as it most likely would, but it didn't take much to decide on the first as he explained the lackluster mail he'd been getting from his friends.

There was a moment of shocked silence before Remus shook his head sadly at Harry and said, "I think you're putting a little too much stock into your friends with that. What exactly do you think they're not telling you, Voldemort walking up the street? No, he's in hiding, they can't offer up anymore."

It was clear as day the anger in Harry's tone as he'd explained it, but this explanation didn't simmer him any. "I don't understand why they had to be so cryptic about it though, it made it sound like they knew something I didn't." This usually happened every time he was at the Dursley's, as old feelings never failed to pop up of his years of isolation there and it somehow felt so much worse that summer.

"Is that really safe?" Lily tried to change the subject into something she found far more important. "The only reason you're at that bleeding place is because you're somehow protected at that house, is wandering the streets a good idea?"

"I couldn't be locked up in that house all the time," Harry scowled, "I'd go mad and beg Ron to come get me again. It's Dumbledore's fault for not explaining that to me." He felt a little bad for his petulant tone when he watched everyone around him flinch, clearly they were all fearing some coming attack by Death Eaters now. Harry wasn't afraid of that, if it hadn't happened by now he didn't see why Voldemort's return would suddenly cause it. That wasn't entirely accurate though...had Death Eaters ever shown up in Private Drive? He was getting some interesting feelings trying to flip across his mind. He was in some kind of danger this summer, and he would be getting guests at his house...but then Sirius had kept going and he stopped thinking about it.

Finally the opening music for the local news began, and Harry was instantly on alert. His stomach clenched with anticipation, as hopefully tonight, after all this time...

"What are you hoping to find anyways?" James asked.

"Strange deaths, disappearances, anything indicating what Voldemort's doing," Harry said like he thought that was obvious.

"While I get what you're going for," Sirius shook his head at him, "I think you're getting a bit ahead of yourself. If that's the kind of stuff you were hoping Ron and Hermione would send you, then it's no wonder you're disappointed. Voldemort tries his hardest to keep himself in the shadows as often as possible, it's certainly scarier that way."

"Didn't you notice the pattern last year," James agreed. "Of the people we know he killed, they were all fairly insignificant and wouldn't have taken much notice. The only reason Bertha did was because most likely Crouch, and he had his own reasons to find her and his own secrets to protect, she was sloppy." No one could miss how haggard his face looked in the end as they all remembered who's sloppy kill that was.

"But someone must have some idea of what he is doing," Harry insisted, already realizing he was going to feel bad for the way he'd been thinking of his friends this summer once he'd had this explained.

"Well yes," Remus agreed, "but that's not something you'd put in a letter." Privately he also agreed he wasn't entirely sure if anyone in the Order would tell Harry even if they could. Sirius was the most likely, and they weren't even sure where he was right now. Remus seemed to have just fallen off the face of the earth and wouldn't be telling anyone anything, and clearly Dumbledore was trying to keep Harry out of the loop by having him at the Dursleys for as long as he was.

Harry grumbled a bit more but sighed in agreement.

It started with stranded holidaymakers because of a Spanish baggage-handler strike- but was cut off by Vernon muttering he hoped they enjoyed their siesta.

Lily was fighting back the urge of a few nasty insults she'd like to throw Vernon's way, she wanted Harry to leave this news venture just so she wouldn't have to hear his commentary on every little thing.

Hardly any of that registered with Harry though as he seemed to deflate with disappointment. Bigger news like deaths and destructions would have trumped stranded holidayers.

"While true," Remus agreed, "I'm not sure I understand your disappointment with that."

"Better to know what's going on than this constant wondering and worrying," Harry grumbled.

They wanted to argue the point, but what could they say. They couldn't tell Harry to at least try to enjoy his summer while he could, not where he was. He had nothing to take his mind off these things, and they could already feel the frustration rolling off of him in waves.

Harry forced himself to keep listening anyways, the same pattern as the rest of this summer. Waiting, tension building and expectations running wild until he sat down and heard the nothing, and the questions began again of why nothing had happened yet.

Lily sighed as she wrapped a tight arm around Harry, remembering back to his early days of discovering the wizarding world and how he'd spent his summer days longing to go back to school. She'd rather hear about that than his desire to go chasing after Voldemort.

The rest of the stories held no more intrigue for him, nor Vernon's commentary on it all. Especially the escalation of the drought story and Vernon's waspish comments as he hopped his neighbor heard this one, him with his sprinklers on at three in the morning.

"As if he's not doing the exact same thing," Remus scoffed.

"Actually he wasn't," Harry shrugged, "he treated us all to a lengthy dinner speech about the importance of upholding such laws and he found it befouling anyone would do otherwise."

"Yet another reason I intend on murdering him," James sneered, "torturing you with his arrogant attitude like that."

"Still as pompous an arse as ever then," Sirius rolled his eyes, though honestly he wouldn't be surprised if the man was still a hypocrite and did it without Harry's even noticing.

A helicopter had almost crashed in a field in Surrey,

"That counts as a little strange," Lily offered just to see her son stop looking like that for a moment, though she really didn't think it had anything to do with Voldemort.

"It was because they were training a new pilot though," Harry sighed, "I definitely found that believable enough."

then onto a story of some actresses divorce which Petunia stated shouldn't even be in here, though she'd put her bony hands on every scrap of news she could find.

"So she is a hypocrite," Lily sniffed, though she was well aware by this point.

Finally Harry lost his patience as Bungy the budgie had been trained to water ski!

"That's actually quite talented," Sirius snickered a bit at training a bird to do that.

"Muggle's have the strangest news," James had his head cocked to the side as he heard all of this.

If this had made it in there was no more point in listening, so Harry carefully rolled onto his front and was preparing himself to crawl far enough away from the window before he could stand again.

He hadn't made it an inch when a crack broke the street like a gunshot,

Sirius had never really gotten to a carefree mode of reading, Harry being around these people just made him too uneasy, but now he was reading as tense and upset as if Harry had been around that troll all over again. Anything that sounded like a gunshot couldn't be a good thing.

Even if James hadn't remembered what a gunshot was he would have instantly been as tense and upset as the others just from the way they all were.

a cat streaked out from under a parked car and flew out of sight;

Harry was too busy feeling the echo of adrenaline trying to jump him even if he didn't feel it now to wonder on why he should be thinking of that.

a shriek of fright echoed inside the house, and Harry was on his feet in the same second, unsheathing his wand for a fight.

Remus was far too concerned with the vision of Death Eater's really attacking Harry there to congratulate him on those reflexes.

He hadn't gained his full height yet when his head crashed into something.

Harry hissed and went cross eyed in pain as he rubbed the top of his head, but that still didn't drop the determined look on his face nor how his hand stayed tight around his wand. If he looked like this now with just a delayed after effect while trying not to do anything about it, they could all easily imagine how fierce he looked on the actual situation. It didn't do much to make any of them feel better as they all remembered just how alone he was there.

Harry tried to stagger away and keep his eyes focused on everything, to understand where that noise had come from, but before he'd got his bearings back two hands entrapped his throat from the open window.

For a moment Sirius was convinced someone was squeezing their hands around his throat, his vision blurred out as he saw red then black from what he'd just forced out in shock. There was just no way possible that monster was actually squeezing his godson's throat!

Then a monstrous noise registered, and Sirius wasn't allowed to act on whatever his impulse had been leading him to break because he was flying into action.

"Let me GO!" James continued to thrash no matter how tight the hold on him was. "I don't care if I get knocked out, I'll kill him before I do!"

Remus nearly fell back down the stairs, he'd bolted up there and put the baby down in his crib the moment he realized what all was happening and only just came back in time to try and stop his friend as well. "Think about what your saying Prongs," Remus begged, trying to stay in his face while avoiding the thrashing limbs. "You won't get a foot when Harry's going to have to drag your arse back here, and what if it's worse this time-"

"I don't care!" James howled, his elbow now slamming repeatedly into Sirius' ribs as he kept trying to make his way to that bleeding door.

Harry watched with horror at this reaction, which finally wore off when his fingers started grasping at the handle, so he darted forward to try and say his part, "Dad, please, it-"

"AND YOU!" James snarled, his face the deepest shade of red as his wild eyes flashed between the door and his son now. "You lied to me! You said they never put hands on you!"

"I said they never left a bruise," Harry quickly corrected.

He blinked as all three of them froze in what they were doing and just stared at him, Sirius arms even went slack and James clearly didn't notice.

James stood there, vibrating in place as he snarled, "lying by omission is still a lie Harry! The bloody hell, how many times had he done this!?"

Harry was frowning in concern, rocking on his feet as he watched him with unease, but when he failed to answer James made a guttural, maddening sound as he stormed away, at least in the opposite direction up the stairs. He shoved a vase off a stand on the way, though as Lily noted when she darted after him it had been a gift from Petunia so it seemed fitting.

The last thing the three at the bottom of the stairs herd was a few more objects breaking and Lily crying, "no, James, not that one!"

Harry's face was stark white in shock as he whispered, "he's really mad at me."

Remus and Sirius exchanged a broken look. Neither of them were feeling much calmer than their friend, but the terror now written on Harry was doing a pretty good job of reminding them they shouldn't try and mimic his actions.

"Not you," Remus sighed,

"-by much," Sirius muttered.

"but Harry, what were you thinking?" Remus quickly moved past that sense it only made Harry look even more upset.

"I just," he threw his hands up in the air in frustration, his mind scrambling as he tried to come up with a way to make them see. "You guys have to understand I never told anyone about this, anyone. Not Ron, it just-" he sighed and flattened his hair onto his head for a moment, starting to pace and still throwing panicked eyes at the stairs where now no noise at all could be heard.

Sirius sucked in a deep breath, watching Harry pad back and forth for several more beats before saying, "I get that. It took me ages to tell James what my mum did to me."

Harry paused then, watching Sirius with dark weary eyes. Sirius leaned back against the stairs banister, trying for all the world to look casual as he said, "I grew up a nosy little child, always asking one to many questions, and my mum hated that. She always said I was never a proper Black, and she tended to curse me for it, a lot. Her favorite was to use the Transmogrifian Torture, it popped a limb out of socket and she'd leave it like that until I properly apologized and said I'd do better and stuff. That never left a bruise either," he finished with a mutter, rubbing absently at his shoulder.

He looked over to see Harry had a new kind of horrified look on his face, and Sirius nodded solemnly as he kept going, "things didn't get any better for me once I started school. My first morning there when she'd found out I was in Gryffindor, she sent me a howler so bad it made what Neville's Gran and Ron's mum sent look like a love letters. I ran out of there trying my damndest not to cry, and James caught up to me and demanded to know what that was about. I didn't tell him, not really, just kind of fudged around it and we ended up missing our first Transfiguration class, though for some reason McGonagall didn't say anything to me," he added with a rueful smile. "Then Remus let us borrow his notes so that we could do our homework, so it was never even brought up. He wasn't even technically our friend yet."

"I think I just somehow knew I'd better get used to it," Remus said with a roll of his eyes, taking a seat on the steps anyways and propping his head in his hands like he was trying to pretend this was all casual stuff.

Sirius gave him a nudge with his foot before rounding up, "I didn't go home for that Christmas or Easter holiday, but my summer there wasn't pretty. She basically disowned me, swearing up and down I could never make up for this terrible mistake I made." He gave a tragic look to the ceiling, then smirked at Harry before finishing, "a memory I look back on quite fondly now."

They watched Harry for another second, and this time he did open his mouth before quickly closing it, clearly still dithering, so Remus instead said, "my parents are afraid of me."

Sirius had to bite back the instant feeling he had of correcting Remus, he'd only met his parents twice and he'd never gotten that impression, but Remus seemed to feel anyone who wasn't an Animagus was afraid of him no matter what they said. It was one of the reasons he avoided his own dad now.

"What?" He squawked in surprise, looking Remus in the eye to make sure that wasn't some cruel joke.

He just shrugged however, though his fingers fidgeting with the hem of his robes showed his careless tone wasn't really all there as he explained, "well, they certainly never look me in the eye. They asked me if I could even try to stay at Hogwarts over summer break because they realized the school was much better equipped to handle me. During my full moons, they'd shut me up in a room, sort of like they had to do here, and then leave the house for twenty four hours, just to make sure they weren't around for any part of the cycle."

Harry's mouth was actually hanging open in shock now, which only made Remus give a not at all amused smile. "Oh they took care of me after the fact, bandaged me up and all that. I never knew if it was shame, or fear, or something else, but I do know I stopped going around my parents place not long after I left school, and they've never asked me over since. Last time I saw them was when my Mum passed away and I honestly thought when I was asked up to the hospital it was a joke."

Harry seemed to realize he was staring then, and quickly closed his mouth, but at least this time he didn't turn away from them and instead ran his hand through his hair some more as he said haplessly, "I, don't know what you want me to say. He throttled me sometimes, but only when I was much younger, when my magic was really obvious. He only did it till I went slack, and I learned to do that pretty fast, then he'd lock me in my cupboard until he'd decided I'd learned my lesson. It never did leave a bruise," he emphasized, now rubbing absently at his throat in remembrance.

"How come you never went to the police, told someone," Remus asked gently.

Harry rolled his eyes at what he felt was an absurd question. "Even if I'd had the gall to, which I didn't as Vernon terrified me through most of my younger years, I had no proof, which he'd occasionally point out whenever someone looked at me on the street to long. You think I didn't notice that Dudley and I were clearly so different from each other. But Vernon always said that if I ever said a word about how they'd dealt with any of my weirdness, I couldn't prove it. They'd say that Dudley's second bedroom was mine, and they really only did take food away from me whenever my magic was acting up, never so much I was malnourished."

He paused then, a calculating look on his face as he added, "I don't really think Petunia or Dudley knew, or if they did they didn't care. Petunia was certainly all for the food part though, so I may not put it past them."

Harry looked back to see that a nerve was thumping in both of their jaws, and he was quick to tack on, "he really did stop after I turned eleven though. He was definitely to afraid of my magic, and it really wasn't that frequent."

"And your twelfth birthday," Sirius managed to get out in a steel tone.

Harry flattened his hair with nerves, but at this point recognized there was no reason not to tell them. "Okay, yeah, he did it then until I did pass out. Woke up in the bathroom and they wouldn't let me out until Vernon had put those bars on my window. They've got their own bathroom in their bedroom, so it hardly put them out."

He crossed his arms defensively when they just kept staring at him. "What? What I just said isn't nearly as bad as what you two had."

While they weren't exactly going to argue with him over such a topic it hardly made what he did say feel better.

Up the stairs in their room, Lily watched James collapse on the bed. He'd taken his glasses off first, so that he could press his hands so hard into his face, his palms digging into his eyes, he looked like he was trying to gouge them out.

"James," she whispered, sinking down beside him, but completely at a loss for words.

"I can't stop seeing it," he got out through a restricted throat. "The cupboard, Pettigrew, Harry watching Cedric get murdered right in front of him, now this. I'm fighting this war to try and save my only child, and at this rate my dying feels about as useful as my life."

"Don't-" she begged at once, her hands latching onto his, trying to pull them away, but he still managed to keep going, "I couldn't even save you. You're the one who saved Harry, I just got tossed aside like the useless thing I am-"

"James, please, you can't be thinking like that." She cut him off, nearly begging to try and get him to stop. She had to tug hard for a moment, but finally his hands slid away to reveal bloodshot eyes. She stayed leaning over him, hazel matching green as she whispered, "don't you think I'm feeling the same way. She was my sister James, and she's doing this to my baby, but don't you start talking like that now. We will find a way to fix this, make it so that Harry never has to be without us again."

James gave a derisive snort, his eyes still vacant as he whispered, "some dad I'd turned out to be anyways, Harry's been lying his arse off since he got here, and did you see that look on his face. Now I've scared him senseless, I'll be lucky if he doesn't look at me the way he does Vernon now. Should probably just hand him over to Sirius already and be done with it for all the-"

Lily popped him on the forehead, and when he only winced but kept at his insane mutterings, she smacked him, hard.

"James, listen to yourself," she pleaded. "If Harry doesn't understand why you were so upset then that's because he's never had his father around to be upset on his behalf, but he could never put you and Vernon in the same scope of his life. You're too good a person, and he knows that."

His face twitched, like he wanted to believe her but couldn't quite grasp the emotion yet, so she kept going. "And if you actually think Harry would replace Sirius with you if he had the chance, then you really need a reality check. They both love you, and they need you. It's a damn cruel world where Harry's from that you're not in the picture, but both of them would do anything to change that."

He closed his eyes then, his jaw still shaking, a few tears managing to escape, but at least for a moment Lily had seen the flash in him like he believed that.

There was silence for a long time between them, Lily not moving a muscle and James trying to get his under control, until finally he took a careful breath in through his nose and releasing it through his mouth before whispering, "I love you."

"I love you to," she said back at once.

He opened his eyes then, watching her for several more beats before moving like he was going to sit up. Lily sat back and let him, but she was at once buried into his chest as he wrapped his arms as tight around her as he could. "What did I do to deserve you?" He muttered into her hair.

"If I figure it out, I'll let you know," she returned, snuggling him for as long as they both needed, before he took another deep breath and whispered;

"Guess I should go back down and face them."

"They're all worried sick about you," Lily said at once. "You looked likely to jump through a window when you came pelting up here."

He made an odd noise, one Lily couldn't decide if it was in agreement or protest, but then he took to his feet, put his glasses back on, and started for the door, her hand still tightly in his, their rings pressed together.

As they came back down they saw Remus had to hop out of the way, and quickly took in the other two. Sirius who was an ugly gray but trying to pretend he was acting normal, and Harry's arms crossed and still looking defensive. It did not improve his mood that when Harry saw him, his foot looked like he wanted to take an automatic step back, but he met his eyes and at once whispered, "I'm sorry."

James opened his mouth, couldn't think of anything to say, closed it, and walked past him back to the living room. Lily met her son's eyes as well, but didn't release her hold on James and instead hissed something at him as James made for the recliner. He didn't respond, instead sinking down into that and pulling his wife with him. She perched on his lap, giving him a look that said plainly she did not approve of his actions, but when he wrapped his arms around her waist again and didn't look up to moving, she just rolled her eyes and looked back towards them expectantly.

"He's mad at me," Harry murmured for Sirius and Remus' ears alone.

"Only for the next hour or so," Sirius waved it off. "I pissed him off real good when I denied what my mother had been doing to me for most of my childhood. These two asked me a lot of the same questions they'd been asking you when I came back from holiday, and I gave a lot of the same answers. Didn't admit to it all till I ran away, and even while he was helping me unpack he was ribbing me."

"If there's one thing you want to do to piss Prongs off, it is lie to him," Remus nodded in agreement. "When he found out how long I'd gone without telling him about my being a werewolf, he was really ticked, so much so he went and did something illegal," he finished with an amused smile, causing Sirius at least to laugh.

Harry did not join in, still watching his dad with clear guilt on his face, but followed the other two as they went back into the room as well. He stood in the doorway, and finally he couldn't take it anymore. He'd never in his life imagined his father so angry with him, and the rejection trying to well up inside him and cast a new shade of light on every good memory he'd collected so far had the words bursting out of him before he'd considered them. "I'm sorry, alright. I'll tell you, I promise-" he tried to think of some way to begin, but the words failed him, so honestly stalling for time he finished in a whisper, "after this chapter's over."

James only hesitated a beat, nodded to indicate he'd heard, but still didn't unbury himself from Lily's back.

Harry quickly shuffled to the farthest sofa away, trying to curl himself into the cushions and looking anywhere but at his parents.

James had his face pressed into Lily's spine, doing a terrible job of pretending he wasn't paying attention to any of them, while Lily was giving him the stank eye over her shoulder but clearly wasn't moving until she saw something else.

Remus and Sirius exchanged uneasy looks, but finally Remus sat down next to Harry and Sirius went back to fetch the book. The last thing he actually wanted to do was go back and see how long Vernon had his hands on Harry before his little pup passed out, for all he knew he'd barely get a few more words in before he incited rage all over again from himself and James. Normally this would be the time Harry would step in, read for them as a reminder he was fine, but for now he was pretending to be invisible.

It also occurred to all three of them that they'd had this conversation when James and Lily hadn't even been here, so they'd never even gotten their sons full confession. Remus and Sirius locked eyes, knowing now probably wasn't the time, but hopefully by the end of this chapter everyone would be at least a bit calmer and they'd convince Harry to tell Lily and James what he'd told them. Sirius fidgeted with the page for a long time, before finally the silence dragged on and he felt he had no other choice but to keep going.*

Vernon was snarling into Harry's ear to put that thing away before anyone saw it!

Harry tried to pry his fingers away, telling him to get off, all while keeping his wand steadily pointed.

Sirius' fingers were so tight around the book they were beginning to hurt, but he couldn't release his hold one little bit, he was too busy picturing them being around Vernon's neck.

The pain of it all piqued, and Vernon yelped as he removed himself from Harry.

Remus wasn't even distracted by the coppery taste of blood in his mouth from biting his tongue to stop himself uttering a string of constant curses, his own throat vibrating violently already showing how he felt about having to imagine that being done to Harry. The very worst part was, this still wasn't the worst thing happening. There could still be danger around Harry, and Vernon was merely causing a fatal distraction.

An invisible force seemed to have surged through his nephew, making him impossible to hold.

Lily's face was ghastly white as that image kept floating just behind her mind's eye, blocking out her once peaceful living room and adult son trying to burrow himself out of sight behind Sirius and into the couch. How many times had this happened in his youth? Often enough it was clear this was a common reaction of Vernon's to begin throttling Harry, even in plain view of the street like that. Had his accidental magic ever kicked in before? Or had he never held on so long this happened? She hardly wanted answers to any of these questions, she was still likely to vomit and start skinning that walrus already with her own.

Harry stumbled out of the plants and forced himself to remain on the rest of the street, but there was no sign of any person to have made that noise. There were people starting to peek into the street.

This only reinforced what Lily had just been thinking though, and now she couldn't shake the thought! How on earth was that excuse- that was such a blatant sign of abuse and surely someone had just seen it as the neighbors were looking around. Did everyone in that neighborhood care so little about Harry's well being because of the Dursley's lies no one was going to do anything about this!

Harry stuffed his wand hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent.

Harry glanced half hopefully at Remus or Sirius, like he was hoping one of them would make a joke at his expense, but neither of them did, they were still too pail from anger to take the bait. Both were thinking of themselves in the future, what they wished they'd already done to Vernon but each having never done so and neither finding it excusable.

Vernon began playing it off at once, waving cheerfully to all and shouting about some car backfiring.

James still had his face buried in his wife's hair, though the fiery color was doing little to improve his mood it still held the only comfort he could find at the moment, and was far to distracted to ask what on earth that could mean in any relation to the noise Harry reacted to. He was just more disgusted Vernon was playing off his own moment.

He continued to grin in a horrible, manic way,

"I've never seen him grin like anything else though," Harry grumbled softly, as the silence apart from the violent reading was starting to freak him out. He'd grown far to used to the constant flow of commentary, and had learned that long lapses in silence like this were usually at the worst of times. He didn't agree this leveled up with other moments.

until the other faces vanished. Then his grin flipped to rage as he beckoned Harry back to him.

Harry flinched in shock at the eruption of growls in the room, but at least this time he understood why. He hadn't wanted to be back in arm's reach of Vernon then either.

Harry only moved a few steps closer, being careful to remain out of arm's reach.

It was highly unlikely before this moment that the Dursleys were going to live much longer when they were released from this place, but now whatever wavering may have persisted at Harry's words wouldn't even hold. It was utterly astounding he'd ever done so when he clearly had memories of this happening to him in his younger years!

He hissed at Harry what he meant by it?

"I hope he had the bleeding piss scared out of him," Remus hissed, choosing to focus on the disappointment this moment didn't cause Vernon heart failure rather than the still lingering fear of what was going on to start this.

Harry asked what he meant while still investigating the street for the noise that had started this.

Despite James' hands still wrapped tight around her waist, Lily was still fighting the urge to go over to her son right now and have him in her arms to make absolutely certain there wasn't anything wrong with him because of this instance. To run her hands gently over his neck, to be where he was and be just as certain no one was going to harm her son while he was surrounded by all those Muggles.

He furiously retorted Harry had made that sound, but Harry interrupted he hadn't done that.

Petunia's face appeared next to Vernon's now, demanding to know what he'd been doing outside their window then?

Sirius had to work furiously with himself not to give some waspish reply, that was far to similar to how his mother had treated him in the house he'd grown up in. Treating every room that wasn't his as if Sirius were trespassing in it.

Vernon at once agreed with his wife, she'd made a good point.

James felt his lip curling up in disgust, did that man have a single brain cell of his own?

Harry sighed before answering, and the two exchanged a look of outrage.

Harry almost laughed as he remembered those looks as compared to the ones his family still had in place. Vernon and Petunia had nothing on outrage when it came to them.

They demanded why he was doing this again, and Harry reminded it changed every day.

That did it. Harry's unexpected comment cracked Remus and he snorted in surprise but just as quickly tried to stifle his giggling. It wasn't hard, he could still feel bloodlust wanting him to curse something into oblivion, but at least Harry met his eyes and grinned back which made it worth it.

Vernon snapped at him to stop lying, his lot did not get onto their news!

Petunia whispered at his side to be careful, the neighbors could still be listening.

Lily rolled her eyes and tisked in disgust. She didn't care it was nearly fourteen years later for the man, he knew perfectly well her lot did in fact end up on the news from time to time, it had been what had drawn the man to question Petunia about Lily's whereabouts all those years ago. Either he'd blocked the memory or he'd forgotten, either way she no longer needed an excuse to find anything he said or did the lowest form of stupid.

Harry shot back that's all they knew.

The two exchanged a look again before Petunia called him a liar. He shouldn't have need of their news, he got his own from those owls.

"Because Merlin forbid he just get letters from his friends," Sirius muttered tersely. His knuckles still white around the books edge and the fearsome tone of his voice hadn't dropped one bit and Harry was starting to grow worried that none of them seemed to be breathing normally for a while now.

Harry hesitated responding, it pulled at him to tell the truth this time,

"Why do you bother!?" James couldn't stop his snap of outrage, but either Harry was expecting it this time or he just rolled with it Harry didn't flinch this time before answering calmly, "I rarely see a point in lying if I can help it." He did finish on a wince though as all of them gave him looks of disbelief for that, considering his lie by omission was a part of the reason everyone in here looked more than angry. He sighed and muttered something, but was sick of lingering on this topic so shot at Sirius, "do you want me to read through this part?"

"No," Sirius snapped right back, turning his boggling eyes away from Harry for now and effectively hiding a tint of hurt now. He couldn't help it though, he seemed to go out of his way to tell those Dursleys the truth as often as he could, but wouldn't for them? In his time or now?

but finally he admitted those owls weren't bringing real news.

Both snapped they didn't believe him at once.

"Don't see the point of telling them the truth when clearly they think he's lying about everything anyways," Lily was still hissing under her breath so low only James could hear, and he was in full agreement.

Petunia said she knew he was up to something,

"Like what exactly?" Remus rolled his eyes in contempt.

"Don't know, never asked for details," Harry said with a happy enough smile, at least someone was trying to push back into playing this off even if every part of Remus clearly didn't feel it. Harry was honestly wishing Remus hadn't put the baby away now, even that little infant would have helped them feel better.

and Vernon added on they weren't stupid.

There were several colorful comments each of them could have made to that, but considering Vernon would have long since died before this conversation had taken place if any of them had had their way besides Harry, Sirius didn't bother listening to the variety and instead kept up his lackluster reading in hopes this chapter would just end. Anger and worry were still at war with each other over Harry's predicament, and he wanted some kind of proof his little pup wasn't about to be attacked right there on the street and that Vernon was going to have his hands removed soon, not necessarily in that order.

Harry snapped back that was news to him!

Remus couldn't help it that time, he did manage a soft laugh under his breath for Harry's wit, but he was still the only one.

Harry couldn't help rolling his eyes at what he was now considering an overreaction from everyone else. He was fine, and if they really wanted another apology he'd give it just to stop all of this ugly silence and silent death threats he could still feel pulsing through the room.

He didn't wait for a response, but instead stormed off before either of them could call him back and was soon at the end of the street.

Lily blinked spastically for a moment as fear finally trumped anger. Harry was only at that place because apparently it was safe from dark attacks, but now he'd up and left with the noise of an apparition still going unexplained. Exactly how far was that protection magic around number four? Just the house, the street? Yet for even a second to turn around and say she wanted Harry to stay at that house for a moment longer would always feel wrong, it really spoke volumes she'd prefer Harry's chances with a dark wizard rather than her sister and husband in law.

He was in trouble now and he knew it.

Remus was dying to ask Harry what he defined as 'trouble' with those people. Another round of strangling? Harry'd made it clear it wasn't that common, but now he truly was in the dark of how much Harry could be leaving out there. Sirius was still reading every word as a death sentence and very clearly wanting to finish this, and since Remus was well aware Harry wasn't getting out of this conversation again at the end of the chapter he didn't bring it up for now.

He would have to face his aunt and uncle later and pay the price for his rudeness,

Sirius couldn't take the suspense anymore and did ask, "pay what price exactly?"

Harry wanted to sigh and roll his eyes, try and play this all off or just ignore it like he had in the past, but at this point he was sure that wouldn't help any. He didn't see how telling them the entire truth would make it much better, but he wasn't sure it could get any worse either. "Threats mostly, he knew he couldn't do anything to me, even if he knew I wasn't supposed to be doing magic he was still afraid I would after Marge. Locking me in the shed mostly, he even kept the padlock all nice and polished," he finished with a forced laugh like looking back made it funny rather than as menacing as he'd honestly found it, but he'd instead been right the first time, several disturbing noises promising more violence and more death glares at the door showed his honesty had won him nothing.

but he didn't care at that moment, his mind still on other matters.

That cracking noise was one made when someone Apparated, or Disapparated.

Harry was still very distracted by the tension that had practically taken up a seat in this room, and he had no want to think about the tingling feeling saying he could have a gut answer to that question.

No one else had really forgotten what had started the instance either, and honestly fear was starting to trump outrage. None of them could wait to start wringing Vernon's neck themselves, they'd probably have to find an object to do so considering their hands wouldn't wrap around but that wasn't the point. Now though, now that Harry was away from him, the reason he'd left was hovering in the forefront just waiting to pounce on their aching hearts. Most likely it was a Death Eater coming for Harry, and he'd now left the only protection he'd had.

Harry may not have understood why as he wasn't fearing the same thing, but he was relieved when Sirius finally started reading in less blood thirsty tones and hoped he'd finally switch back to at least semi normal.

It was exactly the noise he'd heard Dobby make, and suddenly wondered if it was the house-elf that was the cause of this?

Lily could tell she was the only one who was desperately hoping for that to be the answer. The other boys were all still too upset to even consider any kind of good option other than an attack waiting, but Lily was honestly hoping now it was Dobby with some cryptic new message. She'd take that over a fight for his life as strung out as she was right now.

Could Dobby be invisible right now following him? Harry suddenly whirled on the spot like he expected to see the tiny creature hovering right behind him, but still there was nothing, and Dobby could not become invisible.

Harry was looking on at nothing in a funny sort of way, his face twisted as he was so sure he was moments away from realizing something, about being followed by invisible-

"Not invisible," Remus agreed uneasily, "but you do know he can hide at least in a bush." His thoughts were hovering the same as the other boys, that a wizard could be hidden even more easily. Though it did beg the question, if Harry was under attack, why the hiding at all? Were they waiting until he was far enough away from Private Drive to attack? It was hard to see another motive when they were all still on the edge of their seat and white faced from anger.

He kept up his trudging pace, paying no attention to his route as he'd traced through these streets so much of late he would often wander to his favorite spots without thinking.

Lily tried to force herself to see some good news in this, that this wasn't Harry's first foray out of that house that summer and he hadn't been attacked yet. Her hand tightened around James' though as her mind just kept offering up more terrible solutions, that he was just being watched, and someone was waiting.

He couldn't stop glancing back over his shoulder, still convinced there was something magical about that noise he'd heard amongst Petunias begonias.

Harry fidgeted with unease as he was just as sure of this fact now, but he felt no impending threat from this like he was now aware those around him did. Yet that didn't stop a trickle of sweat breaking over the back of his neck as he couldn't find it in himself to comfort them either, to promise nothing bad was going to happen this night. In fact he was now fighting back the impulse to take the book away from Sirius again for a wholly other reason, something bad was going to happen to him tonight and he didn't think his godfather in particular was going to enjoy it.

Why hadn't they come up to him?

Remus shook his head in disbelief at Harry as he asked, "did it really not occur to you this could be an attack?"

"Not really," he sighed. "Dumbledore said the only reason I was going there was because it was supposed to be safe."

They wished they had that kind of faith in Dumbledore, but seeing as they'd never once seen that house as any kind of safe none of them agreed.

As his question burned, his certainty faded. Perhaps it hadn't been a magical noise at all, but something perfectly ordinary Harry was trying to see more into.

"Glory Harry, now I know you've been spending too much time with those muggles," Sirius sighed. "Trying to write off our instances as normal things."

Harry finally felt a real smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as Sirius tried for a joke again, somehow it felt better to watch them worry about something they knew he lived through like some impending attack then fear for his health at the Dursleys.

Feeling hopeless and alone, the same thoughts began plaguing him as they had all summer.

Lily felt James twitch behind her, the compulsion to go comfort his son when he heard of that feeling rearing its head and pushing away his own feelings. He sighed deeply, but finally unburied himself from her hair and glanced around at Harry now to see a far away, contemplative look on his face as he rubbed absently at his head while Sirius read, but thankfully there weren't any traces of hopelessness in him now.

Tomorrow the pattern would continue, he'd awake at five o'clock sharp to receive his Daily Prophet, though he often questioned why he continued to bother with the paper as he only took a passing glance at the headline and tossed it in the bin. If the idiots running it finally found news of Voldemort's return, that would be the first page, which was all Harry cared for.

Remus shook his head at Harry's naivety, he was looking for odd instances occurring in the Muggle news but only scanning front headlines of theirs? He was most likely going off his experience last year of the two headlines featuring Barty Crouch and Bertha Jorkins, but those weren't always front cover stories. Sometimes it took a few page flips to find anything remotely interesting other than politics and Quidditch scores. He wasn't going to bring this up to Harry now though, no since in riling him up when soon enough they were going to be hearing more about odd happenings in the book than they already were from their own Daily Prophet from this timeline.

Ron and Hermione would likely send him another letter soon, but they were of no more help.

"News like what?" Sirius couldn't stop himself from asking. "Merlin Harry don't you ever just send fun letters to your friends detailing all the times you've tried to kill your cousin."

Harry just rolled his eyes as he found the question obvious and considered the rest all joking, but he was wrong. Sirius wasn't the only one wondering if Harry would ever get anything resembling a normal life which now seemed laughable with Voldemort's return.

Quoting such things in his head about how busy they were, and they couldn't put much in these letters for obvious reasons, but they promised they'd be seeing him soon.

"That would get on anyone's nerves though," Remus sympathized. "Did they have to be so vague?"

"Wonder why you haven't been invited over to the Burrow yet," Lily agreed softly.

Harry just hummed in annoyed agreement, having no idea why he'd feel like correcting his mother he never made a trip to the Burrow this summer.

That was all that was given though, not a single mention of any specific timeline of when Harry would be joining his friends. He'd picked up some hints that his two friends were together, most likely at Ron's place.

"Now that's just hurtful," Sirius gave an exaggerated pout which was worth it when Harry almost cracked a smile at him. Sirius wanted to still be angry, he was certainly still worried, but Harry was starting to look sickly pale again and he didn't want his pup to be remembering whatever was fixing to happen while still thinking everyone was still mad at him.

It tormented him so much to think of the two having the time of their life at the Burrow while he was stuck here, he'd thrown away the chocolates they'd sent him for his birthday unopened.

"Now that was just hurtful, I don't think I've ever been that mad at anyone."

James still sounded off, but he met Harry's eyes so no matter how much hurt and anger was still there, Harry smiled right back.

He'd regretted it later after the wilted salad Aunt Petunia had provided for dinner that night.

Harry's kindling annoyance was certainly muted from what it had been at the age of fifteen, but it was helping that those around him were finally starting to act at least sort of normal again, so Harry tried not to linger too much on the hurt feelings he remembered feeling from his friends.

Just what were his friends so busy with? Why wasn't he busy with them? Hadn't be proved himself capable of handling more than them!

"What does handling situations have to do with anything?" Lily asked in confusion. "They're not taking Ron and Hermione out on Order missions, most likely Molly's keeping them busy with chores."

Harry at first felt a flash of confusion, like he was quite sure his friends did know something of what was going that he still wasn't privy to, but it was at once drowned out by his certainty that his mother was right and his friends were keeping quite busy and not in a way they were enjoying. It was all very strange considering he still couldn't imagine the Burrow coming into play. In answer, he simply shrugged with some chagrin and said, "well when you put it like that it sounds ridiculous, but yeah that's pretty much what was on my mind. They were out there getting told everything while I was stuck-" he finished with a wince, not having any proper way to refer to the Dursleys anymore without watching them all flash with another bout of anger.

Had they forgotten what he'd done, what he'd been forced to see happen to Cedric while he'd been tied to a tombstone?

Lily felt her throat nearly swollen shut. She couldn't stand just sitting here and letting him go through all that! It was killing her not to ask if he'd talked about this with anyone, but she knew he hadn't, he'd said so himself. The only people he'd ever even remotely brought it up with were Ron and Hermione, and that hadn't been the real talk Harry needed, just his friends listening to him chat about what Voldemort could be up to now.

She took one look at Harry's face though and could tell now still wasn't the time to be bringing this up. Harry's face was still lined with tension as he tried to throw covert looks at his father and was still glancing periodically at the door. Clearly whatever they were trying to prove in showing they were trying to move past that moment wasn't fooling him completely, and bringing back up that graveyard moment would only make him feel worse. She wanted her son to feel safe here, not like she was constantly interrogating him, so it was probably best to wait at least until he was at the Burrow and she could trust Hermione to bring it up for her.

Harry at once cut off that train of thought and scolded himself for the hundredth time that summer.

Sirius read all that with such a horrid wince it looked like his face was going to spasm off, but Harry couldn't think of a word of comfort for him or anyone. He couldn't help what his mind dwelled on, and even without the month long time span in between remembering that and where he was now, he could still remembering what it felt like. It was a mercy being here and not being able to constantly relive that moment like his dreams had been trying to do last night, but at least here he had distractions with his family so he couldn't dwell on that. At the Dursley's he'd had nothing.

It was bad enough he kept visiting the place in his nightmares, he did his best not to think on them in his waking moments too.

Green met green as the two shared a look, Harry trying this very hardest to act like this was no big deal. He was failing, and Lily knew full well what she'd woken him from last night with her gentle touch, but she wasn't going to call him out either as clearly he was not going to have this conversation on top of the Dursleys spit out he was expecting very soon.

None of the boys were remotely surprised either, they'd all heard the noise Harry had been making last night and it really wasn't surprising if they thought about it. His recurring memories would of course bring back the dreams he'd be lingering on when he was that age.

He took a sharp turn and just happened to pass the alleyway he'd first laid eyes on his godfather. Sirius' letters had been just as unhelpful, but at least they were filled more with caution and sympathy with such quotes as reminders to keep himself out of trouble, and he understood this was frustrating to Harry but still not to do anything rash.

Sirius had to work hard at it, but finally he got a tragic look strung across his face before looking around at Harry and demanding, "why do you always take the advice I give you like that? That's sound logic with what I know you get up to."

Harry just gave him an exasperated look back, he wasn't going to explain himself twice and he knew he'd had several mental rants about his godfather as well as his friends. Plus, at least he'd started with the nicety that Sirius understood him.

He'd at least been following that advice, or at least, he hadn't strung his broom to his trunk yet and flown off to The Burrow.

"Honestly you deserve a lot of credit for restraining yourself," Remus chuckled, "I know Sirius himself wouldn't have lasted."

Harry gave an absent smile as he tried to visualize it, but all he was finding was an empty house at the end, which made no sense. Of course the Weasley's would be at their home.

Harry honestly found it galling his godfather giving such advice from the same man who'd broken out of prison to come to Hogwarts and then escaped from there on a stolen hippogriff.

James and Remus couldn't help throwing their heads back in surprised laughter while Sirius' smile turned utterly indulgent.

"Well when you put it like that-" he began to agree, when Remus got a hold of himself and spoke over him, "the best part is, that's still not the most wild thing he's ever done. Don't think we've yet told you about the time a Ravenclaw dared him to tie a string up to-"

"You're going to give Harry the wrong impression about me," Sirius cut him off with a wagging finger and a mischievous smirk.

"What impression would that be?" Harry demanded as he laughed along, finally feeling the releasing tension from his shoulders as they all got a laugh again.

"That I was some scoundrel who deserved that detention," Sirius said, making his eyes go wider with innocence. "I'll tell you that one when I know these two idiots won't paint me in a bad light."

"You know that's never going to happen," James muttered loud enough they all heard anyways, but Sirius kept going with a smug smirk.

He'd reached the park now and sat down in one of the remaining swings, his mind still busy with all of these weighing thoughts. Tomorrow he'd have to come up with some new way to listen in on the news.

"You could always try hanging from the gutters," Remus couldn't help but suggest while he rolled his eyes.

"That's not nearly as comfortable or long term helpful," Sirius shook his head, "though I suppose if the telly's loud enough anyways, he could just lay on the roof, I'm sure he's agile enough to get up there."

"Why do we keep your friends around again?" Lily muttered to James as she watched them have a light bicker over the pros and cons of both while Harry watched indulgently.

"You know you love them," was James' only response. He couldn't decide if he wanted them to stop and keep going so that this bleeding chapter would be done with and he'd feel at least a little better talking to Harry again now that he'd cooled down, or keep listening to something so silly as a kind distraction. Harry made the decision for him.

While it was clear he was enjoying the show, and was the least looking forward to this chapter being over as it would only put him back in the spotlight, he still cleared his throat significantly to at least get past the danger they were all feeling because of that cracking noise still having gone unexplained.

He had nothing else to do after all, even his dreams left him restless. If he wasn't revisiting the graveyard and all that had happened there, he was instead traveling long dark corridors ending in locked doors.

Whatever amusement his pseudo uncles had just given Harry vanished at once as Harry shivered violently. He looked more frightened in that moment then he ever had when realizing what Vernon had been doing to him. Even as Harry tried to shake it off though and just tell the others he truly hated being kept there now more than ever, there was something lingering about Sirius reading about that place...

He supposed those had something to do with the trapped feeling he had when he was awake.

"Well that makes sense," Lily said fairly to try and get rid of at least one of the worry lines that hadn't gone away in ages now in her son.

"You sound like Trelawney," Sirius told her for the soul purpose of switching her worried eyes to being agitated upon him. "Dreams don't mean nothing."

Lily curled up her lip at him, prepared to give a volley of colorful retorts to that comparison, but Sirius promptly ignored her and smugly went back to reading.

The scar on his forehead prickled from time to time to further randomly agitate him, but he hadn't bothered mentioning this to anyone, knowing they wouldn't find that interesting any more.

"Of course I would!" Sirius spluttered at once, any amusement he'd collected for himself vanishing at once. "It means it's bothering you, and less importantly, I get to know when Voldemort's annoyed by something. That all matters very much to me."

Harry studied him for a moment before simply shrugging. He knew Sirius truly was concerned for his well being, but he still hadn't found the need to write his godfather any more than his friends of the annoying pain, it would only make his letters even more repetitious and not even remotely helpful as far as he'd been aware.

He already knew the response he'd get, that it was just going to happen more frequently because Voldemort was back, nothing to worry about, old news.

"You make us comforting you sound so drab," Sirius sighed.

"And I'm confident no one would be telling you that was old news," Lily added on forcefully, she knew no one Harry was sending that information to would just write him off like that.

Remus just winced and chose to say nothing, he couldn't even pretend to say how he'd respond because apparently he didn't exist anymore outside Dumbledore telling Sirius to go find his useless arse.

The injustice of it all welled up inside him so that he wanted to yell with fury.

"I'd suggest letting that out then, alone in the park," James told him. "Better than on someone who doesn't deserve it." Or someone who might resume strangling him because Harry raised his voice. He wouldn't put anything past that monster.

Harry got a rather sheepish look about him though, like he was worried that might be exactly what happened.

He'd been the one to tell everyone Voldemort was back! Yet his reward was to lay around Little Whinging for weeks cut off from the rest of the world, forced to listen to useless news surrounded by dead begonias!

Lily winced at the sharp volume Sirius was using while yelling Harry's thoughts, she honestly believed Sirius was venting a bit of his own frustration in there on Harry's part as he more than likely agreed with Harry's plight. Still, Lily tried to keep up a peaceable conversation, "I thought you said those were hydrangea bushes, not begonias."

Harry gave her a strange look as he said, "there's more than one flower in those gardens."

How could Dumbledore have done this to him? How had his friends forgotten about him here? How much longer was Sirius going to tell him to sit around like a good boy? How much longer until he lost the fight with himself and sent a letter to the stupid newspaper telling them Voldemort was back?

"Well that last one at least is doable just to vent," Remus forced a smile that stuck out more than ever with Harry's seemingly never ending supply of frustrated demands. "Even though it'll most likely be chucked in the fireplace, at least you got all that out somehow."

No one responded, Sirius in particular was still pouting down at the pages that his godson was so clearly frustrated with him and yet Sirius thought Harry was in the right this time. What on earth was Sirius doing leaving Harry at that place? It had been made more than clear he hadn't the faintest idea what went on there, but even if he thought Harry was having the time of his life with those Muggles he would have thought he'd be insisting to Dumbledore to at least let Harry come around to Remus' place by now so that Sirius could visit. Or even the Burrow, since Molly and all the Weasley's most likely knew him now. It really was annoying Sirius as much as Harry the longer he thought about this of why Harry was still there.

These thoughts all continued swirling together in his mind leaving him vacant to the rest of the world as dusk fell around him.

James fidgeted hard, his hands tightening around Lily's waist again in fear that was clearly gripping her as well if her small shivers meant anything. Time was clearly passing Harry by and still no attack had come. What in Merlin's beard had that cracking noise been already? It was going to drive them crazy sitting on the edge of their seats not knowing.

The thing to draw him out of his own thoughts was the sound of many approaching, and Harry looked around curiously to spot a gang all heading home, laughing loudly. At the lead was his cousin, Dudley, as massive as ever, but a year's hard dieting and the discovery of a new talent had wrought a change in his physique.

Remus blinked quizzically, cocked his head to one side, then the other, before declaring, "nope, can't picture it. Here I was thinking he'd break that diet and his pants in his next mention."

Harry smirked a bit, but gave no articulate response. He had no clue what had wrought the change in Dudley to physically better himself, but Harry knew he hadn't considered it much more than what damage it could now do to others which was surely fixing to be explained.

As Uncle Vernon delightedly told anyone who would listen,

"The mailbox then," James snorted in disgust.

Dudley had recently become the Junior Heavyweight Inter-school Boxing Champion of the Southeast.

"I think Harry should actually be terrified for his life," Sirius blinked spastically at the idea. "Teaching that little hippo to punch with accuracy and more power!"

"I still can't wrap my head around him in any training regime," Remus had an odd expression on his face like he wanted to laugh at the idea," but I suppose the best advice always has been play to your strengths."

James shook his head at both of his friends while still vividly imagining all the spells he'd still love to use on Dudley. It didn't matter he was Harry's age, he couldn't picture anyone raising a fist to his son anymore without seeing red and Dudley was still second on the list.

Harry may no longer have been afraid of Dudley,

"Is it because you can set him on fire with a word?" Sirius asked innocently, "because I heard that can instill some real confidence."

Harry gave an easy laugh as he fell into joshing about Dudley, avoiding mentioning that after surviving Lord Voldemort Dudley was more laughable than a hedge.

but he still didn't think that Dudley learning to punch harder and more accurately was cause for celebration.

"I'm starting to wish you had to take psych evaluations before learning to play in sports like that," Lily muttered bitterly, thinking that even if Harry wasn't his victim anymore, most likely Dudley was still bullying others out there with this new found gift.

Neighborhood children all around were terrified of him -

James scoffed in disgust as he pictured it, and how any complaints would go nowhere and the best thing to do would be to call the Muggle police on that boy if there was any luck. Preferably while Harry was not in the vicinity.

even more than they were of that odd Potter kid whom everyone knew attended a center for criminals.

Harry sighed and rolled his eyes as he remembered that stupid lie, but for some odd reason he had a bad feeling about his real school year to come and how it may be worth going to that center to avoid another attendance at Hogwarts this time.

Harry watched them passing by without taking notice of him, and Harry had to fight back the urge to hail them back.

"That would, certainly be, interesting?" Remus said brokenly, unsure if he was supposed to be laughing as the last time Dudley had bothered Harry he'd run off screaming to his mum about Harry setting a plant on fire, and now he'd be doing this in front of his friends. On the other hand, was testing Dudley really the best idea, as surely he would tell his parents and Harry was already in enough trouble.

Harry had an unfamiliar look on his face, but it was only because of the flashing green eyes that set the look off. Otherwise he was practically the spitting image of James, ready to antagonize someone because they'd ticked him off, to vent some of his frustrations when Lily'd just turned him down again. It was an uncharacteristic look for Harry and really showed just how frustrating his being there really was to him for Harry to be trying to vent in this particular way.

If Dudley's friends saw him here alone, they would without a doubt try to come over and start something with him, leaving Dudley in a hard place. He wouldn't want to lose face in front of them, but he'd be terrified of provoking Harry.

Remus rolled his eyes as he at once noticed Sirius adopting the same look as Harry, ready to rile Harry up in this clear display of fun to him, giving no regards to the consequences of what could happen if this played out. Honestly Dudley did deserve the outcome, but Remus still didn't want Harry to take any of the fall which was most likely to happen at the end of any scenario.

Harry would find it the most fun he'd had in ages to watch Dudley's dilemma, taunting him and watching him be powerless, while if any of his friends did try something Harry could draw his wand on them in a second.

Lily huffed and gave Harry the stank eye for that, he knew quite well that he wasn't going to go cursing any of those boys and none of those Muggles would do any more than laugh at such a real threat to them. She understood he was angry but she could think of five other healthier ways than provoking Dudley and she was not happy to be hearing him entertaining this, but she still couldn't bring herself to scold him for it either. Dudley had done quite a lot of damage to Harry and he deserved just a tiny bit of payback, she just wished he'd think about the consequences more than Dudley squirming.

He'd honestly love the opportunity, to torment the boys who'd made his youth hell.

James couldn't help it though, he laughed just a bit under his breath as he was on Harry's side, his sons wit would be worth whatever fight broke out between those boys.

They didn't see him though, and Harry didn't really draw their attention. He had to fight hard against the impulse, as picking a fight would only get him a risk of expulsion.

Harry clucked his tongue in annoyance at what he considered a wasted opportunity, but then why did he have a sudden surge of confidence he did use magic this night...and it involved Dudley.

They began fading back into the night, and Harry watched them go with disappointment as he thought towards Sirius that he'd done as asked, the exact opposite of what his godfather would have done.

All five of them finally gave a free laugh again, not a breath wasted on saying otherwise.

He did rise to his feet once they were out of sight, and began trailing the noise out of sight. Vernon and Petunia thought the best time for Harry to be home was when Dudley was. Vernon had already threatened to lock Harry in the shed if he was late again.

"The worst part is, I now know you're not kidding," James hissed, a fire rekindling in his eyes at that threat.

Harry fidgeted, but remembering his promise, decided against playing it off this time and weakly offered, "Well, it's better then the cupboard right? Probably because I wouldn't fit in there anymore."

"I think I liked it better when you weren't trying to be funny about this," Lily muttered in disgust.

Harry rewound his path back towards Private Drive, passing the now quiet and dark houses that only had little patches of beams to light his way. He liked Little Whinging best like this, when all the neighbors couldn't glance out the window and start muttering about the 'delinquent.'

Lily still couldn't help but clench her teeth in disgust of all of these people swallowing all of the Dursley's lies so easily. Lily could never imagine seeing such a scrawny little kid like Harry next to pampered Dudley and not questioning it, now he'd practically grown up and never had one single person said a word about such a thing?

Harry came to a stop in the shadows when Dudley's gang was departing from him, all saying their farewells to their friend calling him Big D. Harry waited until they were all out of sight and Dudley was on his own before sprinting after his cousin and calling him in the same name.

"You're just begging for that fight tonight," Remus said with resignation.

"Least he was alone now, and not stupid enough to pull anything," Harry half heartedly defended while stopping the trembling of his hand going for his wand now. Every moment that passed left him more sure than ever something was fixing to happen...to him or Dudley. Maybe they really were going to be attacked tonight.

Dudley turned, but turned back away at once when he recognized who it was.

Harry caught up to him anyways and asked how long he'd been going by Big D?

Dudley just told him to shut it.

"And I was just dying to know the answer to that," Sirius muttered belligerently as he flipped the page viciously, his mind's eye now vividly picturing what Harry was heading back towards, and if that cretin put his hands back near Harry again Sirius was going to have a much harder time stopping Prongs a second time.

Harry ignored this and told that he may find it a cool nickname, but Dudley would always be Ickle Diddykins to Harry.

Lily snorted volatility in surprised laughter which quickly dissolved into giggling while the other boys quickly gave a nice laugh for Harry using up Petunia's pet name like that. They were honestly starting to wonder though if they were being paranoid, if that crack really had been nothing. Harry had been alone for hours, far enough away from that house he really would have been vulnerable if anything was going to happen. They were at least trying to force themselves to relax, Harry wasn't in immediate danger, from the outside world anyways.

Dudley repeated shut it, louder.

Harry reminded he never told his mum to shut it, and then further asked if he could at least use Popkin or Dinky Diddydums?

Sirius never would have believed he could read with such blissful happiness once again, but being able to read this after all the horrid feelings he'd already been feeling on top of yesterday's times made this mild taunting feel euphoric.

Dudley said nothing. The effort of keeping himself from hitting Harry seemed to demand all his self-control.

"I never would have bet he'd have so much self control," James smirked, still picturing that fat little blob sneaking sweets from the fridge when he'd been on his diet.

Harry switched though to a less amusing topic, asking who his victim had been tonight? Had he gone after Mark Evans again?

"Evans eh?" Sirius looked up and around curiously.

Lily just shrugged though, saying, "don't ask me, I told you my maiden name's actually a common one. My dad never mentioned any more family to me though, so I wouldn't think there's an actual relation." Her face went an ugly puce color as she remembered that Harry was only there because Petunia was supposedly all the family Harry had left. If she did have some distant relative out there who was of her blood other than Petunia, she still suspected Harry would have been better off with some stranger she'd never met.

Dudley snarled back that kid had been asking for it, he'd cheeked him.

"Clearly not hard to do," Sirius snorted.

Harry asked if he'd been told he looked like a pig in a wig? Because that wasn't cheek if it was true.

Harry felt a small smile as those around him laughed at his humor, they were clearly trying to force themselves to calm down finally after that disastrous blowout Vernon had caused, which made Harry feel all the more uneasy that the true danger was only just getting started.

Harry was watching with high entertainment at the frustration he was clearly causing Dudley, like he was siphoning off his own and passing it along.

Lily ran her hand through her hair with a sigh, accidentally flicking some into James' mouth, still wishing Harry wouldn't do such a thing but at least semi grateful he was doing something about it. It would be even worse to have no release she supposed, she just wished he wasn't suddenly even unintentionally mimicking his father in his school years like all the boys around her were clearly laughing about.

They turned right down the narrow alleyway where Harry had first seen Sirius,

Sirius couldn't stop a little shiver creeping into his tone for realizing that, though he would have thought that was a good thing, such a random mention of that alley way managed to try and spring all his worrying fears of his time in Azkaban. What a stupid thing to be dwelling on now when those creatures were as far away as could be from his pup.

when Dudley suddenly stopped in the dark where the streetlights couldn't reach them on either side, demanding of Harry he thought he was a real big man carrying that thing?

"Can't even bring himself to say wand," Remus rolled his eyes in disbelief at this walking dung bomb.

Harry grinned again as he told Dudley he wasn't as stupid as he looked, but then if he was he couldn't walk and talk at the same time.

"No need for digging into blond jokes there Harry," Sirius critiqued. "I know you're better than that."

Harry pulled out his wand.

"Was just proving a point," Harry quickly said in defense, throwing his hands up in surrender at once of his mum giving him such a look of exasperation.

Dudley looked sideways at it, reminding Harry at once he wasn't allowed or that freak school of his would expel him.

"And wouldn't that just make every one of your coming holidays," James snapped, honestly finding it a miracle the Dursleys never tried to provoke Harry, to find some way to get him expelled from a place they hated so much.

Harry said back slyly that for all Dudley knew, they'd changed the rules.

Dudley said they hadn't at once, but his tone wasn't so sure.

"For all he knows the crazy school of magic burns it's rule book every few months," Remus snickered.

Harry just laughed, and Dudley snarled back Harry was just too scared to take him on without that thing.

"Well can you blame him," Lily grumbled, "he's twice the size of you."

Harry just shrugged though, he hadn't feared Dudley in a long time by that point, and while he still didn't consider himself much of a physical fighter, he was honestly rather confident by this point he could probably take Dudley on if he stayed out of his range enough and made at least one good blow of his own. He'd just never bothered as it still wouldn't win him anything where he was staying that night.

Harry said back with derision that all Dudley needed to beat up kids was four mates behind him. Asking about that boxing title he was so proud of and how old his opponent had been, single digits?

Even James was well aware they put opponents up in better racquets than that, but it still wasn't a nice thought Dudley could be out doing this to such young kids in his own neighborhood which they all honestly believed.

Dudley snarled back he was their age, twice the size of Harry, and out cold for twenty minutes after Dudley was finished with him.

"Was I supposed to be impressed?" Remus mock yawned.

"Weight isn't everything," Sirius sniffed. "I'm sure Harry's still faster than him and Dudley."

Then going on to say he was going to go straight home and tell his dad that Harry had that thing out-

"Running off a tattletale now," James sneered, still fighting back his own impulse to curse Dudley stupid.

Harry cut him off for being so afraid, but Dudley sneered back that Harry wasn't usually this brave at night.

Harry felt himself shiver just a bit, he had a bad feeling where Dudley was trying to go with that crack.

At first confused, Harry returned that it was night now, that's what people call it when it's all dark.

This time no one could wrangle up much humor for that jab, they all remembered what they'd heard from Harry last night and what Dudley may have been hearing for over a month now. However, if he was really fixing to mock Harry for his nightmares, that kid was in for a serious problem from the lot of them, more than he already was.

Dudley snapped back when Harry was in bed.

Harry still didn't get it, asking what he was supposed to be afraid of, pillows?

Sirius managed a laugh, but he was the only one who did.

Dudley said back triumphantly he'd heard Harry all last night whining in his sleep.

Harry mumbled something as he shifted around uncomfortably, not meeting anyone's eyes. He tried to swallow, to say what he wasn't sure, because he only managed to cough and just gave up, waving Sirius on to get it over with.

He didn't want to, this wasn't going to go well.

Harry tried to deny it, but he could already feel it was pointless even as Dudley mockingly quoted Harry about 'not Cedric!'

"How would he, why-" Lily began sputtering in outrage. As cruel a child as she'd always seen Dudley, she never imagined he'd stoop to taunting Harry about this. He was having nightmares about it for crying out loud, surely some shred of humanity must live in Dudley for him to realize this was the very last thing you should ever taunt someone about! Harry's little jabs had been of no comparison to the cruelty of this! Yet she couldn't string all of that together, and Sirius wasn't going to wait for her to as he spewed it all out.

Harry tried to snap that Dudley was just lying, but it wasn't possible, he couldn't know Cedric's name any other way.

Dudley paid Harry no mind, already moving on to whining for help from Harry's parents and how pathetic Harry had sounded.

That one hurt the worst, and the foulest part was Dudley had no idea what he was really mocking. Harry hadn't once mentioned a thing about his parents to Dudley of all people, but the ghostly images of his parents that night haunted him nearly as much as Cedric.

Dudley's cruel laughter was cut short as Harry finally lost his temper, and drew his wand, right for Dudley's heart.

Sirius finally felt some of the heat rushing his face receding in relief. He couldn't stop what he was forcing himself to spit out, mocking Harry like that even if every part of him knew it was technically another person doing it. He'd rather pull off all of his extremities than really hear someone saying things like that to his pup, and was more than pleased to finally find the part where Harry really pushed back.

Dudley backed into the wall in fear as Harry felt the past fourteen years of hatred pounding through him. What would he give to strike Dudley now, have him crawling home from the worst of jinxes, like sprouting feelers.

James hummed in pleasure at the idea of leaving Dudley transfigured for at least a few days, might teach him a lesson or two.

The two began shouting loudly at each other, Harry demanding that Dudley never speak of this again, while Dudley told Harry to put that thing away!

Remus honesty wondered how long this circular argument could last. Harry had the most anger and power on his side, but he wasn't going to put it past Dudley to strike out in fear here soon and Harry may accidentally curse him just on instinct and get himself into some real trouble with the Ministry again.

It ended when both boys shuddered as if icy water had been dumped on them.

"Did you finally do something?" Sirius demanded eagerly, but when he glanced up and Harry said nothing, instead he noticed his pup growing sickly pale, Sirius thought the answer was yes and he was just realizing how much problems he'd just caused himself. He didn't wait around for Lily or anyone else to berate him for what he'd done, Dudley had deserved it.

Harry suddenly blinked in confusion as he glanced around, but it was too dark to see anything, there was no light. The stars, moon, and streetlamps had vanished.

Then the book was suddenly in fear of falling from his too slick hands, icy chills covering him while sweat broke across his palms. He'd recognize that description anywhere, he kept imagining it happening to him in the coming months of his world going black with that cold. The oddity of it didn't sink in though until beside him Remus spluttered in disgust, "what the devil are those things doing there!"

Nobody answered him, no one had even the faintest idea. All Lily and James could think to do was praise Merlin and all their luck in the world Remus had taught Harry to do that Patronus spell so many years in advance, because whatever anomaly had caused dementors to appear in Little Winging right near Harry, it had saved their son's life.

Harry came to his senses first, a flare of protection raising his head as he saw Sirius' plight and tried to reach around and take the book from him, but that snapped Sirius out of it and he clearly wasn't having it. He held it protectively to his chest and gave Harry as superior a look as he could manage underneath that pale skin, "unless you actually died in this chapter from something as stupid as dementors when I know full well you can handle them, you're keeping your paws off this until it's your turn."

Harry rolled his eyes, deciding to leave Sirius be if he really wanted to unnecessarily prove something to them by reading about those things.

There was no noise, no nothing but a biting cold seeping into their every skin.

For a split second Harry thought he'd done something by accident,

Despite her absolute confidence Prongs was going to make an appearance any moment and keep her son safe, it still didn't stop Lily nibbling at her lip in fear of how long Harry was going to have to suffer hearing her scream again before that time came.

then reasoning caught up with him as his brain reminded no wizard was powerful enough to turn off stars.

Remus couldn't help a particularly hard involuntary shiver for that idea, what he wouldn't give some nights to blot out the moon, but it had never really occurred to him that a price that could be paid for that wish was a soul.

Harry began wildly looking around to find them, but Dudley broke his concentration by demanding to know what Harry was doing to him.

James honestly wished it was Harry doing this to Dudley, at least his son doing some sort of magic on Dudley would have been more laughable and entertaining than watching Sirius stutter this out in fear. He really had no clue why Padfoot was insisting he wanted to read about those creatures that more than likely were the star of his own nightmares now.

Harry tried to get him to shut up as he strained his ears, thinking desperately that they couldn't be here, all the while his brain was warning him he'd see them before they arrived.

The problem was they all knew full well Dudley wasn't going to do a thing Harry told him to, Dudley still thought it was Harry doing this, so they all stayed clenched in fear as something new occurred to them. They hated Dudley for everything he'd ever done to Harry, but they'd never wanted his soul sucked out! Harry could certainly fend them off himself, but would he be able to keep Dudley protected as well? He'd kept a hundred at bay before, surely he wasn't about to witness something so inhuman happening to another person now.

Dudley was not listening to a word as Harry was still telling him to shut up, but then they both fell silent as they heard it. The deep, rattling breath trying to take in more than air.

Sirius was doing an unintentionally good impression of that noise in between drawing breaths to keep going. They really worried he was going to run himself out of oxygen in his strive to force himself to keep reading about the demons he kept fearing were going to ruin his life.

Dudley swore one last time if Harry didn't stop it, he'd hit him!

Harry tried one last time to tell Dudley to shut-WHAM.

Sirius hadn't meant to shout that so loud he made everyone around him jump, but he honestly hadn't been expecting that word either. What on earth hit Harry at a time like this? Surely even Dudley wasn't that stupid!

Something violently collided with the side of Harry's head, and little lights popped across his vision as he hit the ground, his wand skittering away.

James felt a snarl of outrage ripping up his throat, of all the times he'd wanted to inflict physical violence on someone rather than cursing them, this now made number one. Of all the times for that idiotic Muggle to be doing this to his son!

Harry called after Dudley what a moron he was,

"My honest sentiments, really you should have told him much sooner," Remus hissed under his breath as he kept white knuckling his wand.

all while scrambling around on his knees to find his fallen defense.

Dudley was paying none of this a mind as he tried to blunder away, but Harry shouted after him he was heading right for it!

Sirius never would have believed he'd feel so much fear galloping inside of him for Dudley Dursley, but there was no way he could deny it was there now. Sirius had never before wished this fate on anyone, even that wretched Muggle, but the absurd imagery of this happening to a Muggle was at least helping to block out his mind's eye offering up the same image happening to him.

Dudley did not respond, instead his footsteps faltered and Harry felt the chill somehow manage to increase. There was more than one.

Lily could feel the scream building up in her throat, still unable to shake from her mind of Harry passing out around these creatures. He'd grown stronger since then, but even staring at her full grown son she still couldn't erase the fear of what those things once did to him.

Harry howled after his cousin to keep his mouth shut at all costs! Then he kept shuffling frantically across the ground, his fingers grasping at nothing but dirt in frustration before shouting on instinct the spell to light it, lumos.

Five inches from his right hand, his wand tip ignited.

Sirius might have felt bad at breaking off there with such a horrible timing, but his gaping mouth wouldn't shut and he was having problems finding his brain to keep going. It had gone from overdrive to off like a switch.

"That was wandless magic!" Remus collected himself first. "Merlin Harry, even the most advanced wizards struggle to do that under extreme pressure!"

Harry cocked his head to the side as he stared at him, something tickling in the back of his mind as he asked, "can't wands do magic without us though? Act on their own to aid."

"I've never heard of that," James came back to himself enough to say, "but I suppose none of us are wand experts either. You'd be better asking Ollivander such a thing."

Lily just shook her head in exasperation at her boy playing off such a moment and trying to divert it back to his wand like that. He really had no clue the potential he'd just enacted in himself.

None of them were quite over their panic, but that had been a healthy kick to make them realize that Harry was going to be fine! He'd take care of Dudley, though the miscreant only just barely deserved it. Surely Harry would be far more concerned for his cousins well being if something had happened to him, rather than still looking curiously into space puzzling his own question.

Harry did not stop to think, grasping it and taking to his feet in one fluid motion to face the dementor.

Sirius honestly wished he could go back and keep talking about all the insane things Harry could start training to do with this newly discovered skill of his, or even have a bloody chat about cabbages if it would get him to stop thinking about these things for even a second now. The only reason he was forcing himself to keep going instead of the cowardly impulses trying to convince him to give these pages up was that Harry was fine. His own plight was going to be worked through, because Harry would get through this.

He shouted the spell to be rid of the creature, but all that came out was a silvery wisp. The spell hadn't worked right, and it was getting harder every second to concentrate.

James felt as if those own slimy fingers were gripping tightly against his own heart. He couldn't shake the image that Prongs was failing Harry now, of all times! It may have been Harry's magic and panic that was causing him to stumble over this, but he was Harry's guardian, that couldn't be a coincidence!

The laughter began in his head, shrill, high-pitched . . .

Lily had to resist the urge to press her hands over her ears like a child so as not to hear this next part. Her pleading screams mixed with that high cold laughter, James trying to save them with some time that would all fail...

The rancid smell of the dementors breath was filling his brain, slowing any train of thought, he could not think of a single happy thing. The laughter changed to the icy voice of Voldemort as the dementor grasped his neck, the echoed words from his nightmare repeating again for Harry to bow to death.

Then Lily's trembling fingers truly did fly up, to cover her mouth to smother a gasp of fear. Her mind simply wouldn't process past the muddle of shock that she was no longer her son's worst memory, her screams would never haunt him again, and yet was this truly better? There was no such thing as a good worse memory, but somehow, in some twisted way, at least in that one she hadn't just died to save her son only for it all to have gone to waste in Voldemort's return. No, at least the vision Harry would have now was his parents truly being able to rescue their child. It would hold no real comfort to anyone, not even herself, though she had not a clue if the boys were even processing all of this in the same way she was, they were all looking ready to jump to their feat in moments and Sirius was going to keel over from forcing himself to read about this dementor experience replaying such a thing!

Harry was sure his last thought would be he'd never get to see Ron and Hermione again, and like a shot of fresh air their faces flashed across his eyes and he finally shouted Expecto Patronum.

It finally worked properly, as the silver stag ran free.

Sirius actually sagged back into the cushions with relief as finally Harry found his friends faces. He'd be safe now, he'd found his will, now all that was left to worry about was Dudley, still an odd enough concept he kept back those poisonous thoughts trying to cloud his own mind.

It's antlers caught the Dementor in the place where the heart should have been;

Remus found a laugh somewhere in him that still came out too strained, but he'd never deny he loved that mental imagery.

and before he had a moment to breathe he ran off in search of Dudley, who was curled upon the ground, his arms clamped tight as could go around his face.

Harry blinked in surprise as he wondered if that was instinct, or Dudley had actually been trying to listen to him. He had no clue, wasn't going to ask, and had no doubts he never did ask Dudley about this experience.

The second dementor was over him, prying his arms apart easily, almost lovingly.

Lily felt her nails digging into James' arms still wrapped tight around her waist, that warmth needed now more than ever as she forced away the image of that being Harry again! How many times had a dementor nearly taken his soul? What would he be if not for Remus? She was more grateful than ever when Sirius found his breath back and forced himself to keep going.

The stag had not yet vanished, instead Harry urged his magical guardian to rid this one as well. Once the creature had vanished as well, the lights began to reaper, and the silvery form flickered, then too went out.

The relief flooding the room was nearly visible, none of them had felt any such thing in what felt like years though honestly they'd just started this book. The trauma of what Vernon had physically done to Harry stacked on top of another near death experience all combined into one thing really was too much to process all at once!

Little Whinging came back to life around him as if the dementors had never been here. Harry's reality was slamming back into him just as quickly, his sweat soaked shirt clinging to him, and his mind screaming the question of why they'd been here to begin with.

"I'm still remembering how to breathe properly from you surviving it, haven't quite gotten to the processing of why's yet." James croaked, keeping his head rested on Lily's shoulders and her curled tight into his chest while he kept a steady eye on Harry. No matter how angry he ever was at his son, it would never trump the sheer pleasure of seeing him alive in this room.

Dudley lay curled on the ground, whimpering and shaking. Harry bent down to see whether he was in a fit state to stand up,

Remus honestly wouldn't believe so, dementors affected Muggles much more physically than even wizards as they had absolutely no magical ability to fight them off. It would be an honest miracle if Dudley was even still awake instead of passed out on the pavement.

but then he heard loud, running footsteps behind him.

Sirius felt like his spine was going to snap in half he suddenly tensed so hard, his mind filling with images of the Death Eater who had sent those dementors there for Harry, and now preparing to finish the job! Only the tiny little print could distract him from such horrid visions that just couldn't be worse than that.

Harry turned back on instinct, raising his wand again, before Mrs. Figg came panting into sight.

"Oh!" Lily felt almost dizzy from too many things happening back to back, and that random muggle appearing like that certainly was just another level of odd.

Harry could understand his mother's suddenly faint look, his own mind was already starting to feel bogged down with shock at so many things happening to him in this one night, and it wasn't over.

He at once tried to tuck his wand back away, but Mrs. Figg shouted at him for being an idiot trying to put that away, there could be more! She was going to kill Mundungus Fletcher!

"Did she really say that?" Harry yelped fiercely, tugging the book away from Sirius who was honestly relieved to have the bleeding thing out of his hands by this point. "You guys mentioned him as a member of the Order before, as well as Mrs. Figg. There's no way that's a coincidence, which means they must be the same people you know as I do. So this means the Order-"

"Don't change the subject Harry." James told him with a far sterner voice than Harry had yet heard. He honestly felt like taking another step back, never having felt so much like a scolded child. "You promised, now is the chapter over?" James couldn't care one lick what the Order was doing in that moment, or anything else in the world for that matter.

He sighed as he closed the book for answer. He still thought them being honestly ridiculous about all this, he found discussing this groups members and what this could potentially mean for plans against Voldemort far more important, but he also recognized there was just no point in delaying this anymore. A promise was a promise.

"Yes, alright, so sometimes they did things like this, but it never, you know-"

James couldn't help but cut off, his temper still getting the better of him. "No, we don't know, and it's high bloody time you told us!" The only thing stopping him from going and throttling Vernon this second, even if his hands wouldn't fit he'd find a way, was the stupid bloody magic keeping them locked in this house!

Instead of feeling outraged, or even making a move to stop them, Harry just sighed miserably. He'd known this day would come, the book wouldn't just keep glossing over everything, but he really didn't want to get into this! It was over and done with, they really couldn't do anything to him now, and what they had done had never been anything awful enough that he had ever considered telling someone, let alone running away. Even what Marge had done back when he was thirteen had hurt him so much deeper than any physical blow Vernon or Petunia could duel out.

Still, glancing around at all of their haggard faces, he decided it was high time they knew anyways. What's done is done, now and then, so him telling his family wasn't going to make anything any better, honestly it was probably going to make it worse, but he told them anyways because he felt like they deserved to know. Sirius and Remus had told him things about their past, honestly it only seemed fair to divulge something so minor to him.

"Okay, yeah, sometimes they did stuff like this. I meant it though, they never left a real bruise! Sometimes he'd cuff me upside the head when I said something he didn't like, Dudley pushed me around a lot, she swung at me with what ever was in her hand because I'd asked to do something she didn't like, just little stuff like that."

Lily had to very carefully bite her tongue for fear of mimicking James and cutting Harry off when he was finally speaking about this, but she still in no way considered any of that little stuff.

"When I got older, they all pushed me around, reaching out and grabbing me, usually by the arm, and dragging me along if I was caught doing something they didn't like, then they'd shove me in the cupboard and yell at me. I think that's what he was doing now, just reaching out and grabbing hold of me, trying to get me to stop doing something he was afraid of. When I was really little and did some accidental magic, it scared Vernon so much sometimes he'd choke me until I went limp and fell down, but it never left a bruise because he never hung on that long. Just enough that I didn't fight him when he threw me in the cupboard. That's another thing, when I got older I realized they were afraid of me." He paused for just a moment with his head cocked to the side, though this revelation was no longer new to him it still seemed to stun him just saying it aloud.

"They wouldn't ever really do anything too bad to me, because they were afraid of my magic, even when I didn't know I had it. So they never would have done anything to bad to me, because they probably thought I could magically retaliate. Besides, even if they had done something worse, I knew it would be pointless to complain about it, because they were always spreading around the rumor that I was an odd and troubled kid that they kept 'out of the kindness of their hearts.' So if the neighbors saw or wondered anything, they put it down to just 'those poor Dursleys having to deal with a criminal in there house.'"

He seemed to find that conclusive enough he'd be happy to move on, but none of them really felt yet like this was just a matter to move on from. Those Dursleys had abused Harry, physically and mentally, and it was their reasoning and lies that had stopped him from telling anyone or anything being done about it.

Voldemort was a ruthless mass murderer who had made it his mission in life to eradicate a large portion of the population, and they were fighting him because what he was doing was wrong. Then he'd turned his sights on the Potters, and he was not going to get away with that, and still this was different. It wasn't possible to hate two singular people like the four of them did, but Vernon and Petunia were going to pay for what they'd done to Harry.

"I'm guessing you never mentioned a word of this to me?" Sirius muttered morosely, unable to kick out the twisting of hatred for himself he was feeling that Harry didn't know him that well. If only he hadn't been so rash in going after that rat that night, if he'd just stuck around and been there for Harry none of this would have happened to his pup.

Harry shook his head vigorously at once, looking at him like he'd lost his mind. "I didn't need to know you long to know what a terrible idea that was. You needed to be as far away from me as possible, and you knowing about any of that would have made the opposite happen. You moved into Hogwarts backyard because my scar twinged, what on earth would you have done if I ever mentioned this."

Sirius had to breathe carefully through his nose to not start shouting at Harry about that, it should have been his decision, but still he pressed, "not even Dumbledore though? Come on Harry, McGonagall or someone?"

"Did you?" Harry shot back with a triumphant look, clearly already knowing the answer even before Sirius winced and looked away.

Harry looked around at all of them one more time, putting a pleading note into his voice, "I'm sorry if you felt I was lying by not just saying all that, but I really just didn't think it mattered to know. I hated it there, I love it here, that's what mattered to me, I didn't see the point in making you all angry by mentioning something that was long done."

Any of them could have argued the point with him, it would have been easy to spend hours having an uneasy chat about every little thing those Dursleys had ever done to Harry and then reciprocating with a loving promise it was all going to be okay now, but Harry was a grown man now. They all still couldn't help envisioning this happening to their infant upstairs, but it truly was now his decision how he wanted to handle this. He didn't technically owe them anything.

Harry had kept his promise, and while he took one last hopeful look at his dad and waited for those hazel eyes to brighten when they met, he went back to the book. His dad may even still be mad at him, but at least they were okay now.

HPHPHPHPHP

*Alright, real talk here folks. I did a lot of thinking over this topic, as it's such a widely debated thing amongst HP fans about what Harry really lived through during his time at the Dursleys. Personally, I think a lot of it gets exaggerated, but I never undermine that they did Harry some real harm. I kept myself to the facts and truths that I knew about, and I may have built this up a bit, but don't take my/ Harry's explanation as one that isn't terrible. What the Dursleys did to Harry was a lot more mental punishment than physical, making sure he felt as unloved as possible, which can do as much damage to you as a beating. Guess I don't really have anything else to say, mostly it turned into a big thing between him and James more so then what the Dursleys actually did, but I hope the build up to this scene was at least kind of worth it.

#The LIfe that Never LIved #Harry Potter #fanfiction #Marauders #HP #Ootp #James Potter #Lily Potter #Remus Lupin #Sirius Black

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