#reminds me of my childhood a bit
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Can I just say as someone who was raised around sailors and boats and grew up learning boat terminology, I really appreciate the attention to detail of One Piece and the Going Merry? Like- the way they showed how the sails unfurl and turn with the boom, the jib and the mainsail, the way they TIE UP THE ANCHOR instead of just having it dangle??? The proper care of the ship like rolling up the sails at night and the ropes and everything and just- UGH its so nice to see a sailing show ACTUALLY TAKE NOTE AND CARE about the boat
#one piece#im just so happy to see it#like i got so excited when i saw luffy and zoro reeling in the anchor for the morming and PROPERLY TYING IT UP#and that they roll up the sails at night#10/10#reminds me of my childhood a bit#learning hoat stuff#also the inside of the boat looks like the INSIDE OF A BOAT#its great#i love the going merry#shes a beautiful vessel
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michael: do i really have trauma, though?
jeremy: dude. your dad is literally a serial killer
michael: yeah, but he didn't serial kill me
#fnaf#michael afton#jeremy fitzgerald#this is me projecting. aside from the serial killer relative bit#i want to do more denial and minimizing his own trauma michael#it's interesting#plus i think he does repress a lot#there might be periods of time where he doesn't remember that william ever hit him#and he's like 'well. at least he wasn't PHYSICALLY abusive'#and someone who knew him as a kid has to literally fucking remind him that he WAS#also saffron mike just bc of how severe evan's trauma is#might have periods where he's like. my childhood was basically fine. right?#until something comes up that he endured and even evan is like 'that must've sucked'#and mike is like???? YOU WERE BASICALLY NATASHA ROMANOFF'D WTF DO YOU M E A N
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Sometimes instead of working you play dress to impress~<3333
#uwu.txt#now that I’m back home and have more time… I be playing quite a bit of this damn game!! DDDX#the gif is obvi not dress to impress but stillll#love me a good dress up game! reminds me of my childhood~<3333
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one thing I love about shifting is that you can literally do whatever you want.
I have a dr where I’m literally purple
#I’m also an alien#so that’s fun#it’s yet another DC dr#I want to be besties with starfire and no one can stop me#I love her so much#I’ve loved her since I was like 8 and my cousin made me watch teen titans with him#did I care anything about superhero’s at that time? no not one bit#but I saw that she slayed and I respected that#honestly part of the reason I’m so connected to my DC DRs is because they remind me of my childhood#my cousin was OBSESSED with Batman and I was just along for the ride#(we are the same age and spent like 80% of our time together)#reality shifting#shifting#shiftblr#desired reality#shifting realities
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Rented Room - Rhodes Parlour House
#I didn't know they had rooms in rhodes but this is genuinely my favourite place to rent now#it reminds me of my childhood home#old furniture and tacky paint peeling off the walls#old windows and curtains that have been there for years#my bedroom was very much like this#I never had much in it apart from my bed and a dresser with a mirror#the art on the walls is beautiful too#I don't know it just made me tear up a bit because it feels like home#the vines overgrowing too#ahh#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#mick squeaks#arthur morgan#red dead redemption community#oh arthur
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went to the state fair yesterday and tried so so much good food !!! my favorite things were the pickle lemonade (literally my favorite drink ever since i first tried it a couple weeks ago) and the fried pickles and the roasted corn. feeling like a true midwesterner after that :-)
#although i will say the pickle lemonade i tried by the lake by our house was a lot better#it was punchier#the ones at the fair were watered down a bit i think just from the ice melting in the heat#but it’s just SO refreshing#genuinely something my dr would prescribe for one of my health conditions is a shot of pickle juice#so it was so rejuvenating LOL#it was rly fun !! my home state doesn’t have a state fair like THAT#but it took me back to my 4H days :#when i competed agility w my childhood dog as a kid and camped out to do some horse riding events and archery#and pigs and chickens and such#rly nostalgic haha#i only did pigs one year bc it was too sad#but i was a chicken girl through and through#4H is what started me down the dog trainer career path and sparked that interest as a hobby#i didn’t pursue it seriously until a long time later and have since taken a hiatus bc of burnout but#it did remind me why i fell so head over heels in love w it#something abt being so in tune w another creature like that is just#so special#we didn’t get to watch the stunt dogs tho we missed the show :((#i kinda want to go back again to see them perform#kinda feeling like it might reignite something in me and maybe i’ll start making steps to be a trainer again#i’ve been missing it#personal
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I like feyre, even though sjm kinda killed her character i stand with my girl for the most part. emphasis on the most part because i will never recover from her manipulating tamlin to lash out in acomaf/acowar (sorry they all bleed together)🧍🏻
And people will say she was justified in what she did and that its tamlins fault that he lashed out. like it wasnt great on his part but it is a type of emotional manipulation from feyre to get him to do that. she had to push him to get that reaction, it wasnt a natural reaction and man. Sjm accidentally wrote 90% of my childhood experiences with shitty boys LIKE how did she do that ⁉️
#acotar#pro tamlin#feyre critical#i really loved feyre in the first book#shes a little silly and a bit naive BUT she had the spirit!#and then the little rat came along and i cant#anti rhysand#sorry its 2am and my brain is bringing back what i now realize is childhood bullying/trauma#and tamlin is constantly on my mind and my mind loves connecting dots and finding patterns and this lines up strangely well#Rhysand reminds me a bit too much of this one mf i knew named jack#fuck you jack you are a piece of shit#Literally rhysand and jack are so similar and i need to look into sjms mind#Call up a divorce lawyer i need feyre to get away from rhysand#i like feylin and prefer it if i gotta pick a ship but realistically i need feyre to have some personal time#shes never had real time to figure herself out. providing for her family then becoming tamlins fiancee#then getting hitched to the ratty batty boy in like a 2 month timeframe like#girl please#tamlin#feyre
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why does everything i get really into always end up being so god damn niche. by the year 2035 i am going to be blogging exclusively about the interpersonal relationships between the pillbugs and snails hiding underneath the bricks lining the flowerbeds in my parent's garden.
#im falling hard into the virvox guys rn sowwy. i like em a lot hee hee. i didnt realize just how small the fanbase for em was tho#actually i didnt realize how small the company that makes them were either. i got so used to the yamahas and cryptons of the vsynth world#that i forgot that like honestly. a lot of the voicebank makers and some of the software makers themselves#theyre like companies of like maybe 5 employees with like no funding LOL not a bad thing but i forgor#but yeah i was looking up to see if there was like. a fanon reason why people shipped takehiro and ryusei? not judging because i get it#i like took one look at the virvox guys and immediately slotted them as a very strange boyband (a catboy and a middle aged dragon man....)#and also took a second look at takehiro and ryusei and assumed they were childhood friends. i saw the doujin flash before my eyes#but also looking into it it seems the fanbase is also like. 20 people. and like 3 of them ship that#and at least one person ships whiteCUL and ryusei? why not LOL when it comes to vsynths sometimes a ship can be spearheaded by like#one very prolific artist HGDJKDFSHDJK which actually reminds me. honestly i dont really have many vsynth ships#i guess i dont really partake in a lot of shipping stuff deeply but i like romance!! you know i like love stories. you know this#i mean i keep calling the eclipsed sounds characters the celestial polycule for a reason tho. im not joking around about this#this is serious to me. they are stars and moons and suns and together they hang out and kiss. in the sky. this is serious to me#also i do like solaria x eleanor forte actually. its a bit random but i understand it. i understand it#and of course the aformentioned takehiro x ryusei. and also the whole virvox polycule. get that old man in here too#(what do they call people like me. a multishipper? i do that a lot. you know this from my otome game fanart LOL)#OH and i dont remember either of their names rn but i like that the cevio bank anju inami voiced has like a big fat crush on like#that girl with the brown hair. i like that theyre like. besties (turning into something more wink wonk)#thinks with all my brain. i think thats it. i dont know why theres so little. i think its because i think of them as like#audio sample libraries first and foremost and i forget about their characters and relationships LOL#but im not against the idea of making some audio sample libraries kiss...... not at all#picks up a guitar sampler and a sound effect cd. presses them together.#hee hee. they kiss
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oc posting part something I’ve lost count, where it’s just me testing out a new brush pack I downloaded featuring hair care
#first Val sketch came out pretty good actually#coloring reminded me of those old manga covers#Kain has considered getting a buzz cut numerous times but kalani just told him to grow it out a bit#Val actually had the same haircut since like childhood#only recently did he start growing it out#my art#art#digital art#illustration#procreate#original character#sketch#oc#retrograde#haliai art
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I don't remember him to look THAT fruity
Also shout out to this screenshot I found. Nothing straight about this man:
#In fact; I didn't remember him at all#Had to dig in my all of my (partly repressed) childhood memories for a moment#He looks so cringefail bbg#The hot temperatures are frying my brain. I apologize#I remember him to be very whiny#Why does he remind me a bit of Victor Frankenstein.#The last pic send me#zach van tech#wild kratts zech#wild kratts#childhood series#series#cartoon#zech wild kratts#shitpost#my ramblings#kuni's ramblings#not bsd related#My sister said she remembered him to be this fruity#I just remembered that he hated animals and had a somewhat high pitched whiny voice and that he was yelling the whole time#I do in fact remember his voice very clearly for some reason
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THE ARDENNES IS PERFECT!!!!
I'm actually in love! Their model is sooo good and the coats are adorable. The bay roan looks like this horsey I always rode past on my way to school. I need these ardennes in my stable. I can't express how much I love them.
#maybe it's because they remind me of my childhood#they make my childhood dream of riding a dutch draft a little bit a reality#I know they're a different draft breed but they look close enough#ssoblr
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Me looking for the softest and most tender songs in my youtube history to add them to the baby Dib playlist I am preparing 🧐
#I could do it on spotify but some songs aren't there and I wAnt them to be there#Those are songs that either remind me of his early childhood or I just enjoy listening to them when I draw him.#so I'd say this is a bit personal 👉👈#that child be my insp#There are even very cute lullabies in Spanish in my opinion#yeah I also listen to lullabies#it's... relaxing...#anyway I'm also thinking of drawing a little cover to present it#del is speaking too much#dib membrane
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yknow i think a lot of the really far-gone transfemme vs transmasc people who still play by the 6th grade milquetoast "trans women are targeted way more than trans men cause femininity is bad and masculinity is good In Our Society, so trans men get free acceptability passes" feminism forget that trans men/transmascs started life. as. little girls. we were mistaken, from birth, for baby girls. and we were raised by our parents to believe that we were little girls.
a lot of trans men and transmascs then grew up to be teenaged girls
a lot of trans men and transmascs were adult women too
and for a while we *believed* we were girls and women. some of us even WISHED we were girls and women (points at myself). and much more importantly, we were continually seen as girls and women. a lot of the time, we are STILL seen as girls and women, even with full fuckin beards and baritone voices. especially if we need to go to any kind of medical professional. this is what our free acceptability pass looks like?
its just so much more nuanced than these 'boys vs girls' people ever seem to care to think about. even binary trans folks dont have the same sense of cisgendered binary that cis people do. we literally cross from one fake end of the fake-binary to the other. thats where the trans in transgender comes from. i dont know how some other trans folks seem to forget that?? i don't know how, somewhere along the line, we forgot that trans men and transmascs also directly suffer under misogyny?
#my t#sorry for more gender based griping i saw smth on twitter that reminded me of this.#the bright spots of Little Girl euphoria i had in my childhood were rare and beautiful. i refuse to forget them.#my perception of myself i had as a child is important to me.#possibly in a different way to others because. yknow. i am plural.#and plural folks have a different brain and sense of understanding of themselves that singlets wont have. its just a neurological differenc#but my little girl self is an important part of my present day adult man self.#and looking at the adult trans men in my system who are still under my care today-#the little girls they were - however fucking briefly - are still important to me and to them too.#and i fully understand that a lot of other trans folks cannot think of themselves this way#but trans mens experiences of being mistaken for little girls are as important as trans womens experiences being mistaken for little boys#we are all trapped in the same systemic cycle of gender-based abusive conditioning.#really we just have to do away with assigning gender to baby bits completely. its weird.#trans men are either eternally confused women or just invisible#and crushed under the weight of maintaining a cis-man image.#i mean for fucks sake#my partner system and us have been talking about having a kid for ages#if i were to get pregnant i'd just have to accept the fact that i have to masquerade around as a woman for 9 months.#because there is NOTHING for pregnant transmascs.#nothing.#there aren't even a lot of gender neutral options for maternity clothing.#even the term 'maternity' denotes femininity and motherhood.#paternity clothing isn't a thing that exists for me for look forward to or even mildly worry about.#and i'm just talking about a *planned* pregnancy involving a trans man. what do yall think happens to transmascs with unwanted pregnancies.#what a privileged life i lead as a no-op no-hrt trans man. big cishet loves me because i am obviously exactly like a cis man now#just want people to stop infighting and being stupid tbh.#breaking: bro strider fictive gets really fuckin pressed about gender and systemic abuse again!
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btw my mom said it. she said it to me looking me in the eyes. i told her about how difficult it was for me to get through those family reunions, and she admitted it was very important to her, important enough that she was just going to do it anyway.
#i know there are compromises out there#and i'm not going to live w them my whole life so i'll be out fairly soon all things considered#and i'm trying to be understanding when people's priorities aren't the same as mine#but i uh. would be lying if i said it doesn't hurt a little wittle bit.#i'm gonna keep handling it because i've been an asshole to my parents for long enough#i largely owe them that. cooperating and spending time with them and engaging in what matters to them.#but then she's says things like ''but whenever you move out you'll still be part of the family and invited if you want uwu''#it's just ?????? okay thanks ???? perhaps you could also try seeing things from my point of view perhaps????#it's all circling back to that. they have a very weird way to ''help'' me#throwback to them trying to cure my depression with amusement parks#when i would have liked a little less of that and a little more help and understanding#it feels like they're trying to put bandaids on a cancer#''you don't ask for help'' okay no help is coming. i am not being helped.#the system can't help me cause there's no damn beds no damn professionals no damn time to help everyone#the people around me can't help me because it's not their job or within their wheelhouse to help me#and they've got their own shit to deal with#on that note#i was discussing stuff with my mom#and i mentionned it was indeed pretty difficult to manage your time when you had to deal with school and friends and your parents#and she was like ''deal with your parents???? what do you have to deal with????''#oh i don't KNOW maybe that i'm officially an associate of my dad and i have to help out w events and some accounting#or maybe i have to pay back the fucking years i spent being an ungrateful child now i do everything you expect me to and it's exhausting#maybe that you constantly remind me i am living in YOUR house by touching my shit instead of letting me deal with shit at my own pace#maybe the fact that despite everything i care about you and i want us to have a good relationship and that takes WORK and i'm exhausted#maybe the fact that you keep giving me advice that is unproductive misguided misunderstanding etc etc#and cold comfort after you did something you knew to be difficult for me#how you keep encouraging shit that i don't want and am unhappy with because it's the ''normal'' way#how you raised me from childhood to be an empty shell in a family of empty shells#broadcasting my misery#vent
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on one hand I am very glad that ketamine therapy has been helpful for my severe depression and anxiety and ptsd and whatever else is going on up there, and I’m grateful that it’s available to me as part of my treatment plan
on the other hand I’m not a huge fan of the payment for that help being a 50/50 chance every time of having a bad trip that unlocks some deep scary part of my psyche and then having to address all of that in therapy until the next trip
#starlight personal#ketamine has saved my life and also scares the fuck out of me tbh#like I went into this trip being all ‘love and kindness gotta be nice to myself’ and it went ‘yes BUT -‘#and shoved me off a cliff into years and years of repressed existential anxiety and reminded me that I’ve had that since I was Very Small#bro please I just want to not off myself I don’t need to be unpacking deep childhood trauma rn I’m trying to buy a house#how am I supposed to buy a house when I now have to grapple with Deep Pain being brought to light#I was going to talk about house anxiety in therapy this week but that has now been derailed for -#I Am Terrified of the Universe and Always Have Been and Do Not Know How to Cope With This When It’s Not Repressed#and I do truly believe if it came up in treatment that it means it’s time to deal with it and learn to handle it#but like…….. I would’ve liked to be asked#not just thrown into the scariest psychedelic trip of my life and then left to pick up the pieces#anyway this is all to say that I’m once again cursing my genetics for not letting SSRIs work and leaving me with psychedelic woo-woo shit#like what do you mean I can’t take a pill and ignore some of this deeper shit what do you MEAN I have to face it#ketamine is very I Will Shine a Light on the Things You Have Hidden Whether You like It Or Not For Your Own Good#thank you I guess but right now I’m a bit grumpy about it#on the brightside I am hopefully going to be less depressed for the next two months until it wears off again so we love that!!!#hahahaaaaaaaaaa it’s fine we’ll be fine this will be good for me in the long run#what’s peace like I wonder I’ve certainly never known it
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#cat pics as promised#cats#guhhh i love them#black ones name is pitch#he was born without his tail reminds me alot of my childhood cat hes very sweet but a bit... silly#(sound of plastic being quickly scarfed down before anyone gets to him)#grey ones ash !! shes catious around doors and will just#decide i dont have to use my arm anymore and lay on it
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