#rewatching the good place at 23 can be something that is so personal

[doin-just-fine]

How it feels to be us.

For questioning systems, specifically those who do not fit the typical DID/OSDD criteria, this will be an in depth dive into how our brain works as we understand it right now!

Bellow is all of us, The Super Fine System. 🛸 DoinFine (23) is on top and from left to right is ☁️ Cloud (~22) , 🌾 Summer (24) and 🧸 Bean (~8).

This is how we "appear in the head space". Technically, we don't have a visual headspace and we don't literally see each other. For us it's kind of like wondering around a space with the light turned off but we all have psychic proximity so we can sense each other when we're in proximity to each other. Even more technically, only DoinFine has psychic proximity in this way and I🛸 don't actually know what everyone else experiences up here.

🛸 I am a front stuck host. It's like I'm plugged in to the front. We call it being stuck in the chair because it's an easy way to explain it but I don't actually feel stuck in a literal chair. I just sort of feel glued in place. I feel like I am the front. Some systems talk about a control panel. I feel like I am the control panel. All I can really do is experience the outside world, sense when someone else is close to the front with my psychic proximity, and imagine what certain events that unfold in my head look like visually to kind of help make sense of it.

🛸 The thing about being front stuck is that I can never leave so we don't have traditional amnesia. What we do have is difficulty with memory recall but usually we'll get there eventually with enough description from an outside party and Emotional Amnesia. The best way to describe Emotional Amnesia is as if you're rewatching a movie but now the movie has no sound and is in black and white. Or like you're watching the movie from way across the room and through really thick glass.

🛸 The other thing about being front stuck in such a permanent way is that no one else can fully front. They all have to through me. This is why I feel like the control panel sometimes is because everyone has to operate and filter through me. This turns Cloud, Summer, and Bean into this:

Here are the originals for comparison.

🛸 Like I said before I can't see anybody nor can I hear anybody. But through the psychic proximity I can feel them and I can feel their vibe, emotions, and if their close enough or "touching" me I can hear them. Example: making these picrews was me making them and doing what I think they'd like and then feeling their reaction. It's genuinely fascinating because I will add something that I think looks good and I'll pause and tune in and feel, especially from Cloud, the vibe of "No, I don't like that." and if I'm really not doing a good job I'll hear a "I would never wear that." I don't actually hear another voice it's more of a passing thought and opinion that very much differs from my own. Thats how we figured out what everyone looks like.

Back to the filtered versions of my head mates. Some systems would describe this as being blurry, blendy, or just co-con. We feel blendy would fit this best. we know for some systems, like our partner system, blended alters can be their own solid individuals with unique names, pronouns, thought, and feelings. However, this is not the case for all systems and definitely not for us. The level of blended changes based on how close the person is to DoinFine.

This was particularly hard to navigate at the beginning of realizing we were a system because everyone talks about switching in and out and we don't do that. This fed our denial spirals for a good long while.

DoinFine has only ever not be in the front maybe twice. Bean seems to be the only one able to boot DoinFine to passenger with ease and has only done it once. The other time Cloud was bonding with his friend in our partner's system and DoinFine consciously decided to try and "look around" the head space (still not sure how to translate that literally) to see if they could learn more info. Cloud is our gatekeeper though so they didn't learn much nor did they full achieve disconnect but Cloud found himself front stuck for a second. We think this only happened because he's never co-fronted before and didn't know how to leave.

After writing that here's some information we may have pieced together. The first level of "fronting": Bleed Over and and Passive Influence is what DoinFine gets from the other head mates on our average day. The second level of "fronting": As someone get close to the front the influence becomes stronger which turns it into being blendy. This when someone sits on the bench with DoinFine or, in Cloud's case, standing just behind it. We don't make it past here very often. This is also where we have to give a heads up to those around us incase unexpected mannerism come through. The third and final level of "fronting": is reaching Co-Fronting where DoinFine stops driving but is still up front and can let the other person "have a turn". Typically it will look like the other person is Fronting on their own. This usually because in these instances who ever is co-fronting usually wants their time to exist as a person.

With Cloud getting front stuck briefly, that was DoinFine consciously and willingly taking "a back seat". Bean still holds the title for being the only one of us to kick DoinFine out of the drivers seat and forcing a co-front without anyone realizing until it was already happening. It wasn't even on Cloud's radar that maybe the 8 year old could be that powerful in the front. He was watching the interaction and suddenly DoinFine and Bean had swapped places and he began to panic only a little bit.

When it comes to our internal communication we don't lol. We communicate by verbally talking out loud to each other. Other things we do is use apps to text to each other. DoinFine, psychic proximity only gets us so far. All though they are developing a new technique where they kind of vaguely think about a question or theorize about an answer and then they try to tune into Cloud who's almost always with in proximity and tries to gage his emotions to tell them the answer or if their theory is correct. We have found that Cloud does not mind revealing information in this way. He still won't reveal everything though. For example we were trying to figure out when everyone first appeared in the headspace, when we got to Cloud he wouldn't tell us obviously but DoinFine noticed that when they would try and guess his vibe and emotions would almost play like a hot and cold game. When we were too far back he would almost boast about how, "i've been here way before that" and when we were too far forward we could feel collectively that it wasn't right. We eventually narrowed it down to early on in our time on this earth but when we were starting to get too close to specifics Cloud stopped the game and wouldn't provide anymore information.

🛸 Though I can tune in to vibes, emotions, and sometimes thoughts I can't access anyone completely. I think It's Cloud and he keeps tight tabs on everyone, I can gather information about people as individuals but nothing about the headspace, how this place works, and if anyone else is around. Though this is frustrating I can feel Cloud and trust that his intentions are good despite his rude way of executing them. I can feel that he is very familiar with me, and he knows what I can handle and when I'm ready for it. He is very much an older brother type. And I do trust that I will learn things when I'm ready for them. I also get the sense that he doesn't know EVERYTHING like he says he does and sometimes he just doesn't have the information and pretends like he's just keeping it from me. As for what everyone else knows I can't get a read on them. Bean is rarely around and it flips back and forth for Summer whether or not she knows things that Cloud knows or is just as clueless as me. Only time will tell I guess. I hope this is helpful or at least interesting to someone.

I’ve been trying to map how we work for a year now and this is where I’m at. I'm sure this will all change as I grow more familiar with my new situation. But for now if anyone has any question feel free to ask them, we are more than happy to answer anything. Questions from other people help us figure stuff out for ourselves.

Remember, you are valid in you're experiences!!!

[zandra-lang-cave]

Molly's posible depression

I didn't think about it until I saw this fanfic

https://archiveofourown.org/works/45957685/chapters/115676548

( I love it. It inspires my mind, that isn't an easy thing to do, believe it or not)

I won't explain everything, but it basically gives a lot of insight about what could go on in Molly's head through the perspective of everyone around her.

After I read it, I gave a rewatch to the show, and a lot of stuff took a turn in my head and in my view of molly. In this post/essay, i will explain why Molly's depression is not such a baseless idea as it might seem. Here are some examples that can be symptoms/reasons for depression.

She has moved a lot for her entire life

That doesn't look that bad at first sight. Specially when the show doesn't really pay attention to the life of molly begore Brighton. But if you really look more closely, it's really sad.

If you count all the pins the macgee's had, they move at least 23 times. I say at least because molly just put the places she remembers moving, but they have probably moved more when molly was a baby/toddler, so she doesn't remember. Let's assume this are since when molly was 4-5 since that's when she probably started to remember the places they have moved.

Molly is just 13 years old. Doing the math She has moved to 23 places in 9-10 years.

Moving just once in your life can change your mind a lot. especially for a child. They need stability to be able to develop the best they can, and moving to a completely new environment even just once can affext that development.

I move from my home contry to the US when I was arround 9-10 years, and even though I knew it was for the best, the whiplash affected me all through my teen years and I just recently started to feel comfortable in my home, almost a decade later.

So just imagine a kid in their formative years, moving to a new city, and going through the process of adapting to a new environment, just to move again in a few months.

Lack of friends/community

This is a big part of the show, though a suttil one, and it applies to the whole family, not just molly. The macgees are a very social family not just molly, everyone of them trive in community. They do volunteering together, they support molly to construct the banshell, they join in town parties, and events not has attendees but has staft.

But that say, none of them have any friends before Brighton. And until the Chen's arrive they didn't have any close friends.

Darryl has 2 friends he mentioned, but we never see, and Sharon and Pete have libbys mom, but that one is more of a "our kids ate friends, let's get along" type of friendship.

Molly makes a big deal of both scratch and libby being their best friends, scratch specially when she calls him her "forever friend." And lets remember her entire family makes an entire dance for the chen's, it was a big deal to them to get them to be friends with them.

They haven't had any friends or community in such a long time that they are emotionally deprived, to the point they go to extreme lengths to ensure they forever home can be the best place it can be. It's not a bad thing on paper, but it's not a good thing if we think of it logically.

Molly's controlling tendencys

A big part of Molly's personality is how controlling and pushy she can be. The entire episode of snow day show this at his peak, but there were tiny examples before and after. When they make a movie and molly dismiss her friends complain saying "if I'm the director it's still our movie", her helping all her class with the props and costumes (she 100% volunteer for it), the relationship with her mom and grandma, libbys bat mitzvah, etc.

Well, that can be seen as a coping mechanism. She lacks stability as she grew up, so taking control can be subconsciously comforting.

Again this is something I can relate, I lack stability in my childhood (for different reasons) and in my teens I crave has much control in my life I could get (I didn't have it which leaves me with more unrelated issues but still I salty about it) it's just a comfort being in control when you are use to not having it.

There are probably more examples for Molly's possible depression symptoms/reasons, but this are the biggest I could think at the moment. I will make a second post if I remember anything else.

Now the biggest counterargument would be "she is so smily and happy, she is not sad she can't be depress." To that, I answered, depressed people can look/act happy. Most of the time, they do.

Using myself has an example, I pass through a "happy depression," and I basically pretend to be happy to not worry my family. I didn't wanted to feel what I felt so I would do things to not thing about, I would read fanfiction all day, work on school, read books, see TV an unhealthy amount of time just not to feel anything but the "happines" those things give me. In family gatherings and school, I would act friendly and "normal." I didn't even let my grades slip cuase at the time they were the most important thing in my mind. There was no reason for anyone to believe I was depress.

I kept that for around 5 years, the "happy depression" going on an off but never leaving completely, I never addressed it because in my mind and everyone around, I was "happy." Until the pandemic hit, and it destroyed me emotionally. I know that happen to alot of people but I mean it, It destroyed me, I couldn't use school has a distraction because it didn't kept me occupied enough, the little time I spend outside of my house was rip away.

I could no longer avoid thinking and feeling, and that turned the "happy depression" into a full mental breakdown that I had just recovered less than a year ago. And not even fully cause I keep falling back into avoiding my feelings from time to time. Just now, I can recognize it and fix it before it turns into "happy depression" again.

Hum, acting happy to avoid others to worry, filling yourself with activities that make you "happy", acting has if everything is totally normal.

Those are things molly can and has done.

So yeah, depress molly. More likely than you believe. I already loved her before. Even though i couldn't relate to her, i related more to scratch. but after this realization, I relate to her a lot, and I appreciate that. I don't think it would ever be acknowledged or even mentioned in the show, but the fact I can see it, it gives me comfort.

[theyamjam]

SRRY IF YOUVE ANSWERED SOME OF THESE ALREADY BUT 10, 14, 18, 23, 64, 86, aaaaaanddd 95 for th ask gameeeee :3

10 (how would you describe your style?):

if this is aboutt fashion style? cozy!comfycozy!!! in the winter/autumn i like wearing brightly colored sweaters with fun logos on em, in the summer i mostly wear plain t shirts with pants or shorts (preferably long pants though :0( ). i likee slightly oversized floppy clothes without too many different accessories. im not very good at matching pieces together, so i usually go for things that are simple and nice to sleep in and have a funny picture or pattern on it

if its about my art style its probably soft :o) i like drawing soft comforting things

18 (favorite tv show?): OK K.O.! Let's Be Heroes is probably still my all time favrite,,, i havent rewatched it in awhile but thhe art style and the soundtrack and the story are all just so fun and well thought out at the same time it makes me so HAPPY!!! it would be nice2 make art just as good as ian's some day hes so talented

also I AM LORD BOXMAN!! HE IS ME!!!!!!!

23 (describe your dream date): OH I DONT KNOW ACTUALLY. 1 of the things ive stumbled across most when i go on dates with people is that im still in the setting of "oh i need to do well. i need to entertain this other person ineed to score likability points or else theyll dislike me forever" and ofc thats not how youre supposed to feel around the person you love and trust with everything </3

so for my dream date ii would probably want to already know this person irl long enough that i feel comfortable around them! maybe when we're already in a relationship. i wanna do something thats entertaining but leaves enough space for us to have casual conversation llike maybe go to a cat cafe? or 1 of those places where u can make ur own candles? BUILD A BEAR OH PLEASE OH PLEASE BUILD A BEAR

theseare just examples but i dont think i have any clear cut plans for whata perfect date would be because i just want some1 i can be put into any scenario with and love them and not have to worry too much about whether they love me back or not !

64 (favorite dipping sauce): ummm my food palette is a little basic im afraid :0( i like garlic sauce and mayonnaise

95 (summer or winter?): PROBABLY SUMMER!!! the sun might make me burnt n sweaty but it also makes me happy :o]

[real-total-drama-takes]

https://www.tumblr.com/real-total-drama-takes/729754341302534144/this-athletic-strong-girl-character-is-just-a?source=share

they...ARE mary sues. that's. exactly what they have in common and probably why they were being compared in the first place. by definition a mary sue is a female character lacking depth due to possessing immense physical capabilities and lacking any major flaws. there's certain degrees of this, but they are all definitely mary sues.

first off we know all three of them are very physically capable. we never really see them have huge failures in challenges (my memory's a bit hazy on sky but i know for sure priya and zoey never fuck it up that badly- i can't recall any failures on their parts off the top of my head except for priya's miscalculations in the catapult episode, but it really wasn't that severe and she never faced consequences for it)

the big thing with these characters is that they lack personality, especially compared to the other female characters in their seasons. sky's the most obvious case, and i think it's perfectly summarized by her "Personality" summary (taken from the total drama wiki):

"Sky is an aspiring Olympian whose sights are firmly set on winning the game. Although Sky is not opposed to forming relationships along the way, she doesn't want them to get in between her and victory. Sky is a natural team player, a leader when needed, and strives to see the best in people, even refusing to 'trash talk' unless she is angered. She can be encouraging and will give advice to those who require it. A true white knight who plays by the book with a strong sense of good sportsmanship to match, Sky easily gets along with most of the other contestants. However, she is firmly, and sometimes aggressively against anyone who exhibits foul play. She also faces difficulty when her nerves and emotions get the better of her and cloud her judgement. She also seems to care a lot about winning, as she wanted to win Total Drama so she can win at the Olympics."

the vast majority of her character is based in competition, and we never see her have a huge flaw or error that leads to her development, making her a mary sue. (take this all with a grain of salt as i haven't seen pahkitew in a hot minute and i don't want to rewatch it just for a stupid rant)

priya is also very lacking in personality. her section in the total drama wiki isn't as developed, but the summary given of her personality is still very much centered around her strength as a competitor and not her qualities as a person- this is because she really doesn't do anything except compete and befriend millie (which she still works the competition thing into). i don't want to get into this but i have a theory that priya's going to get some real character development in the second season of the reboot, which is why she's currently so bland compared to the rest of the '23 cast, so obviously my opinion on this whole thing is going to change if that does happen. but for the time being priya is a mary sue.

i would talk about zoey's mary-sueness too but this ask is getting too long so i'm gonna wrap up my thoughts

all this isn't to say that every athletic female character in total drama is a mary sue or that they can be grouped together. jo is an excellent counterexample to this- she was well fleshed out (despite getting less screentime than zoey, funnily enough), and she has a personality that is easy to define as well as flaws that make her an interesting character to watch. total drama is very capable of creating female characters who are both strong competitors and interesting to watch- heather, courtney, eva, jo, leshawna, jasmine, and julia (plus more i'm sure i'm forgetting) all fit that criteria perfectly. most female character have certain strengths, but the thing that makes them interesting is that their strengths are undercut by flaws, and those flaws cause bad things to happen to these characters. this is something that zoey priya and sky lack.

it's not misogynistic to acknowledge characters sharing similar tropes (which i assume is what the original anon was getting at, though i still don't agree with the language they used), especially in a show where all the characters are intentionally based on stereotypes. such light use of the term "misogynistic" takes away from its meaning when we use it in legitimate feminist discussions. i understand why at first it might seem misogynistic to reduce these characters to their "strong female competitor" aspects, but when you actually look at their characters, that is the aspect of their personalities that is the most important to them. grouping them together is like grouping heather and julia together as mean girls, or grouping lindsay and dakota together as blonde stereotypes. it's not meant to completely reduce these characters down to the stereotypes they're based on, but rather to acknowledge the qualities that are at the core of their personalities.

hopefully that made sense lmao. i love this show and i think it's important that we recognize the flaws in our favorite media. i don't think zoey sky or priya are flaws in total drama as a whole. i adore all three of these characters and i think they absolutely deserved the wins and screentime they got. but they are all based in stereotypes that limit how much they can be developed as characters. some might consider that a flaw. some might not. that's up to you

(my hyperfixation is too strong. i don't know why i let myself write so much about this)

.

[mundanemiseries]

                                         GET  TO  KNOW  THE  MUN

𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐩𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐮𝐩 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐞𝐬 ?

uh well...i've definitely rambled about it in the past but most of my muses (basically all of the main ones except Aurelius) are all more or less aus of my first muse on here, Joel that became more than own dudes than just "joel in a different universe" so they became their own muses unto themselves. for Joel? he came about around 5 years ago when i stumbled onto the t.wewy rpc and so i made this blog and Joel!

𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 ?

i mean besides the general kinda ick inducing topics there's not really that much else. combat/fighing based threads probably? but that's more because i'm not that great at/confident with writing those and ik i can get kinda "don't look at me" when it comes to posting types of writing/threads/etc im not confident in

𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐧𝐣𝐨𝐲 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 ?

a lot of things really! i always have a soft spot for fluff, goofy/silly/moe playful things are always fun, when u get some good angst going it's just chef's kiss. what i'm personally really enjoying writing changes from time to time but idk, there's a lot i have fun writing!

𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 ?

i more or less play things by ear with headcanons, sometimes, with more fandom based muses (ex. Koko) it might come from some realization i had about some aspect of the universe they're from or a headcanon will form out of rambling about my boys to a moot over disc.ord or smth, or i'll get an idea that i end up building on from something i'm watching/listening to regardless headcanons kinda just sneak up on me ig

𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐬𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐨𝐫 𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐜 ?

music 100% i find i struggle to focus even moreso without something in the background so it's normally music and/or a podcast/some other long form video i'm prolly rewatching

𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐧 𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐫 𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 ?

i very much wing it most of the time, i tend to get sdetracked real bad when i try to plan things out proper so 9 times outta 10 replies are me winging it and letting my muses take the wheel.

𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐧𝐣𝐨𝐲 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 ?

yes, always! not just romantic, familial and platonic ships are always great when they happen oooh, ooh! and like...hateships and the like...i've really only ever had one but that was fun

𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐬 / 𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞 ?

kellin!

𝐚𝐠𝐞 ?

22, 23 come the summer

𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐝𝐚𝐲 ?

july 13th!

𝐟𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐫 ?

purple, grey, blue

𝐟𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐬 ?

oh god plese don't make me pick. i mean as always i adore anything from new design, a.venturine's boss theme's stuck in my head and i've had s/t by j.oyce m.anor on loop for days so...theres those lmao

𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐦𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐝 ?

uh.....i think the m.ario movie???

𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐝 ?

??? not sure, if web series count though, h.unter the p.arenting

𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 ?

constant headache - joyce manor

𝐟𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐨𝐝 ?

sweets, like...in general probably.

𝐟𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧 ?

:Tc hmmm, fall probably, not so warm that im melting but also not hilariously cold, the leaves are pretty, i end up getting a shitload of pumpkin donuts at this place near me, good season imho

𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚 𝐭𝐮𝐦𝐛𝐥𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 ?

firstly, i absolutely have to call out the og on this blog @the-grim-heaper. she's been around here more or less since i started this blog and has just, always been there ( also fun fact, she's the one who got me into w.arframe so legit Koko and Raziel just wouldn't exist without her :3 ) aside from the bro, @cosmicdreamt and @strawberry-barista for just...being friends and awesome and i lowkey consider my mains friends, or at the v least very cool ppl and 👉👈 i hope they think so too and there's other ppl too but i am...head empy rn and been trying to do this for days x_x

tagged by: @attroxx tagging: legit just steal it and say i tagged you. crimes! :D

[iloveutoodeath]

hiii for the ask thingy ☺️ 1, 4, 8, 15, 16, 21, 23, 27, 28; 30

omg sorry i totally forgot i reblogged the ask game a while back 😓 hehe.. thank you for sending these!!! this got long so i added a read more lmao

1 -3 things you wish for- that i stop procrastinating the projects i wanna work on, that i can find a better job than my current one sometime this year, that my dogs could have the same lifespan as me

4 -3 topics you’d love to learn more about- well currently i’ve been reading all about numerology and i rly want to learn more and more about it lmao. and cinema in general has been a current obsession for the past couple years for me, i didn’t watch movies much when i was younger but now i just really really love to watch a movie, then look up and read ppl’s thoughts about it, and any stories about the making of process whether it’s about the costuming, special effects, filming process, or writing process, read up on the subject matter whether it’s based on a book or a historical setting, or reading about any actors that stood out to me.. idk just like anything that peaked my interest or curiosity while watching the film, anything to have a more firm and in depth grasp about the story and the people who worked on it. i especially love to read about silent films!!! but yea it’s a very fun process and there’s always more movies to watch amd learn about!! and i guess the third topic i want to learn more about is doll making lmao

8 -3 tv shows you never get bored of- tbh for this i’m gonna answer with some of my favorite animes bc that’s what i have a tendency to rewatch the most lmao: mob psycho 100, cowboy bebop, death note

15 -3 quotes that have a special place in your life- sorry the only thing that’s coming to mind is “ask me if i give a motherfuck ?!!” -zayn malik

16 -3 drinks youconsume the most- omg definitely water, matcha lattes/milk teas w boba/smoothies (i consider those basically the same drink but with varying degrees of frozenness lmao), and mint tea. i wanna give a special shout out to any mango flavored drinks tho, which given the opportunity i will always gravitate to but like this is too broad a category to fairly consider it my most consumed drink u know?.. lmao ♥︎

21 -3 things you’re passionate about- i’ve always been and always will be obsessed with self expression and the infinite ways that can manifest through a person, but for me personally the 3 expressions that fill me with the most love, inspiration, and passion are fashion, home decor, and the creation and curation of art(visual art, music, film, etc).

23 -3 songs you listen to while cleaning- brand new start- little joy, rehab- amy winehouse, when i was your man- bruno mars (i don’t rly listen to him lmao but this song is imprinted in my brain bc it would often play on the radio at closing at my first job and idk something about sweeping an empty fast food restaurant after hours while this song played felt so right)

27 -3 thing you wish you did more often- travel, go out with friends more, go to more concerts

28 -3 things you love cooking/baking- omg my current favorite dish to make is.. well i don’t have a name for it but it’s like fried/sauteed diced potatoes and i usually improvise it depending on what i have in my fridge to go with it and what flavor i’m craving. so it pretty much always includes potato, onion, and tomato, but it can also have mushrooms, eggs, any plant based protein (my faves are soy chorizo, those like…. vegan chicken strips idk what they’re actually called, or just chopped up veggie patties), peas, lentils, etc. and it can be seasoned pretty much any way but my faves are a tomato based sauce or something like butter and garlic. lmao idk it’s rly good and highly customizable. oh and i guess my other fave dishes to make are ramen (again super customizable) and a frittata or quiche if i’m feeling more ambitious and have the time :-))))!!!!!!!!!

30 -3 moments you’ll never forget- when my sister and i were teenagers we were once reenacting the helena music video and my sister was doing the helena ghost dance and at the end she let herself fall back onto the couch and the couch literally broke lmaoooooooo, like the wooden beam that was holding up the seat cushions literally snapped in two rip she didn’t get hurt or anything and i literally can’t listen to this song without hearing the loud crack of the wood in my head and dying of laughter. also when my childhood dog (a small little white poodle) jumped onto the dinner table and gobbled up a whole block of cheese in the 5 seconds my family and i looked away to look at a bird that was outside our window lmaoo, AND OF COURSE the absolute hysteria of the beginning my mcr show where gerard walked out wearing the cheerleader dress and holding the blowtorch!!!!!!

[dwtsfun]

Dancing with the Stars Season 5 Week 1: Rewatch

We're back for a new season rewatch. Just a few updates. First, Samantha is on maternity leave, so Drew Lachey is handling cohost duties with Tom. I remember Drew being really quick witted as well and playing off of Tom real well (probably what happens being a younger brother and working in a boy band as a teen and young adult). Also, the premiere was split up into 2 nights. The women were on night 1 while the men were on night 2. I believe there was a third show that week as there was an elimination on the first week. Anyway, with all of that said, let's get into the show.

Night 1

Jennie and Derek- Cha-cha (Judges' Score=21, My Score=7)- Derek was so young back then. This is so wild seeing baby face Derek again. Jennie was really good. Her technique was clean. I was especially impressed with her arms. She places them so well. Jennie's musicality was very good. It did not feel like she was struggling to dance with the music. Her legs can use more work. She can be stronger in her legs, but she is such a diamond in the rough. Confidence will be key for her. And if I remember correctly, that was their biggest obstacle.

Josie and Alec- Foxtrot (Judges' Score=16, My Score=6)- So there is definitely potential there for Josie. She was elegant and she had a lot of personality (which is something that models do tend to struggle with). But she does lack a lot of strength and therefore, the control that she needed was not there. I also agree that her feet weren't great. I do think Len was a little harsh with her though because it wasn't terrible. I wish she had gotten a second dance. She looked so defeated after Len spoke and you can tell that she was so excited to get out there and perform.

Sabrina and Mark- Cha-cha (Judges' Score=26, My Score=9)- Babyface Mark. Omg. This is so wild. This is still one of the best cha-chas that I have ever seen on the show. The surgical precision of her feet was out of this world. Her musicality???? Goodness. Every line. Every foot placement. Her legs. Her arms. Everything was perfect. I honestly liked the hip hop. It was a tasteful amount to me. The only reason I'm not giving it a 10 is because it is week 1. That's literally the only reason.

Marie and Jonathan- Foxtrot (Judges' Score=21, My Score=6)- Marie is such a great performer. Now her technique left much to be desired. Marie has so many things going for her though. She does have nice lines. She is confident and comfortable performing in live shows. She's got good musicality. She is super charismatic. And she has a desire to improve and be better.

Mel and Maks- Cha-cha (Judges' Score=24, My Score=9)- This was an amazing dance as well. I actually don't think that it got the love that it deserved. The technique was so good. The energy was high. It wasn't as good as Sabrina, but they were right underneath.

Jane and Tony- Foxtrot (Judges' Score=24, My Score=7)- I was quite impressed with this dance. I don't remember Jane on this show as much as I remember everyone else from this season, but this was very good. She was so elegant and posture was so good. Her turns were kinda not great and it wasn't as smooth as I personally would've liked for a foxtrot, but it was still very good.

My Rankings and Scores Out of 30:

1 Sabrina and Mark- 27 2 Mel and Maks- 25 3 Jane and Tony- 23 4 Jennie and Derek- 21 5 Marie and Jonathan- 20 6 Josie and Alec- 17

So the women set the bar extremely high. I don't think the men (outside of Helio) measured up, but I'm excited to get to their night. I will be back later on today with the dances for the men.

[billiejeanenthusiast]

List of random thoughts 5/7/23

I’m now kind of an adult in the workforce and I have yet to need to transition my make up or clothes “from day to night”. Magazines really lied to me.

I honestly need a Taylor code. Not just bc I really want to see her live. I do. I really do. But bc I just need one good thing to happen to me in life. Lately it’s been rough.

I’m surprised the White House didn’t have a cocine scandal before. It’s literally called White House with the amount of high stress and high stakes I’d bet good Lokey it’s harder to find someone NOT doing cocaine than someone doing it.

I just saw a hot silver fox in his 50s dressed in a crisp shirt and suit pants parking his black Vespa next to the restaurant in my building. And that whole situation is so: Mediterranean summer at lunch hour.

I love Hart of Dixie. The show. I could write an essay on it. I’ve rewatched it so many times. I guess sometimes I’m just nostalgic for living in such a close knit community and small town.

Saturday morning I’m gonna step on that plane with a never bigger mix of emotions. How can I both love to return to a place and have someone absolutely ruining it for me so much I dread going back. I’m so happy to return. But I have the biggest stone in my stomach over it. I hate this feeling.

I hate the 2024 f1 calendar. Not bc it’s bad. But bc my life is so chaotic and I just can’t plan anything. And it makes me sad.

I should’ve taken a pill for my headache before I went to the post office. There’s just one person working and 11 people and it’s SO SLOW

I genuienly do think I’m someone who is happy just with the little things in life.

I GOT THE ERAS TOUR TICKETS CODES FOR SALE….and then immediately I realised that means nothing bc there’s still the whole war of actually buying the ticket.

I think I’ll probably sob through a solid 5-6 songs on that concert.

I think I’ll download glitter conspiracy videos to watch on my flight home.

Or actually no. It’s right the morning after Speak Now TV comes out. I’ll just spend the 45min listening to that.

It scared me that I’m 26 and I don’t feel a day older than like 23/24. I don’t know how to explain it. I’m scared to even say it to people. I just…is there something wrong with me? I blame COVID. I lose two years of my life.

I don’t think there is a single type of chocolate inverted that I would not like. Chocolate and shiny jewellery is the key to my heart. And no I don’t care that it sounds or is basic. Give me a pretty bracelet and some Belgian chocolates for an anniversary or just random day and you will get the freakiest dream come true sex of your life.

I feel like lately the whole universe has been a bit unhinged. Everyone and everything just seems on a looser tether. I can’t properly put into words the feeling but everything feels like it’s way closer to an edge than it was and that balancing on that edge is wobbly. People are more unhinged. The universe and what’s happening. A bunch of people I know have been having the most awful period of their lives. Others have been up to things the fbi couldn’t even come up for a fictional scenario. I too am a bit victim to this. I feel like I just …care less about any perception of me than ever before.

I would love to do one of those colour analysis things but they all feel just so incredibly MLM-ish to me. I’m not saying they are. They just give me that Avon and Mary Kay vibe.

[feelingofcontent]

DNP Rewatch: How To Speak Lad - With Dan and Connor!

Date video was published: 06/05/2015 (X)

DNP Main Channel Rewatch: 271

A collab video! DNP starting doing a few more of those in 2015, and started both posting collabs with the same person. Previously, mostly one of DNP or the other posted a collab with someone, but not both. Phil posted a video with Connor the same day as this, so that will be next up.

Connor was in London as part of his book tour in summer 2015, so that’s likely when this was filmed. Although Connor had apparently lost the memory card with video footage for a bit, so these may have been close to not getting posted!

0:14 - this is a pretty long solo intro

0:17 - that was a weird jump-cut after “as an authentic Brit myself”

0:23 - lol at the annotation. He did slightly blend in with the bed spread.

0:38 - Dan does do this in every collab. And every guest starts with a red face from hunching over. 😂

0:55 - “and they were talking about tea right away” perfect.

1:05 - smiley Dan

1:17 - Connor’s got it. That’s a good start I suppose.

1:42 - Dan is the opposite of a lad, lol. Oooo, Connor with the call out! I mean, you can see the Haru pillow in the background, so...

2:02 - okay, they are both complete dorks. I love it.

2:16 - is that one really something only “lads” say? Also Dan tongue-thing.

2:20 - either I’ve just consumed way too much British media, or I’m weird, but I would immediately think the British meaning if I heard someone say “mate”

2:35 - Connor’s like...’exactly how much do you want me to embarrass myself?’

2:39 - lol, why is he calling out the fluff in Connor’s hair

2:49 - Dan’s giving that one to him. DNP tend to describe all their interactions as banter, especially on DAPG

3:13 - that was a terrible pun, lol

3:24 - oh god his accent attempt 😂

3:28 - well I don’t know that one.

3:31 - that was some seemingly good logic to attempt a guess for that one.

3:39 - wtf are Dan’s gestures in this video, ahahaha

3:49 - okay, Dan is aware he’s doing the gestures. That makes it better.

3:57 - Connor’s doing pretty well.

4:08 - although he does look confused by “Spoons”

4:24 - now Connor looks terrified and appalled

4:38 - I’m beginning to think I have consumed too much British media...there are very few I don’t know.

4:49 - oh wait. I thought “necking” was kissing. I am over confident, lol.

5:11 - even Connor is making fun of how Dan says “literally” 😂

5:27 - I love that Connor went with “pianoed” probably because he can see the piano in Dan’s room

5:31 - continuing just choosing objects he can see 😂 And making it obvious.

5:41 - Dan and Connor’s minds were in very different places 😳

5:53 - okay, this part of the video I remember

6:10 - Connor’s description on “cheeky” just being JacksGap is hilarious

6:31 - Dan with the pizza shame

6:56 - ah, that’s why he called out the fluff earlier because it comes up here

6:58 - “make a wish” OH GOD, with Dan doing that here too I just realized that must be something DNP do all the time 😭

7:10 - lol at the making fun of spons with the annotations

7:28 - just left that in alrighty

7:41 - Dan’s just making Connor embarrass himself this whole video

7:51 - there are a lot of jump-cuts 😂 What the fuck is this sentence Dan wrote.

8:18 -  Dan is proud of himself for this, lol

8:36 - now he’s calling out the horns with the annotations too. I love it.

9:00 - Dan with the “too real” moment

9:20 - this is not the first time Dan’s called something like this “edutainment”

9:36 - Connor’s video with both DNP is still up too

This is not a video I rewatch a lot, so I didn’t remember much of it at all. It’s cute and Dan seems fairly comfortable working with Connor! It is pretty reminiscent of the How To Speak INTERNET video Dan did with Jack and Finn back in 2012. He must like this format for collabs.

[carissimipaixao]

─ T̷̞̾̌H̴̩̃͊Ȓ̴̡͙̰̄̿Ō̷̰̮̉̈U̸͗͛͜G̷̛̟̥H̷͎̿͛ ̴̝͔̍ͅT̷̡̘̙̋͒̓H̴͓͑̾̚E̸̼͕͊ ̶͚͙̬̍̅Ŵ̵̠̮O̸̬͊͝R̸̭̋̒̎L̴̥̺͎̋͆̑D̷̻̟͔̀͝L̸̼̈́́͋ͅḮ̵̺́N̵͓͖̪̕Ĕ̸͇͂͠S̵͓̤̑̓

published on: september 23, 2021

pairing: okabe rintarou & reader

word count: 1.8k+

gif credit: me!

note: had this laying around and thought it’d be a stupid idea to let it go to waste. so, here you ago! by the way, this is a crossover with loki (2021), because, while rewatching steins;gate zero, something clicked in my monkey brain.

additional note: everyone (but okabe) is speaking english, thus the western-style of okabe’s name popping up here and there. no loki involved, i’m afraid. just good ol’ mobius and the tva, whose building i still don’t know or understand.

The intercom on the desk beeps.

Mobius immediately reaches for it, although his gaze never strays away from your own. ‘Yes?’

‘We’ve got an issue.’

The man’s shoulders drop with a heavy sigh. ‘We always have an issue. What’s the issue?’

‘A prisoner has escaped.’

You raise an eyebrow, unable to keep the interest and curiosity from your face. Mobius notices. He puts the intercom away as he stands. Mobius walks around the table and pulls out a key. Once your handcuffs click open, he ushers, ‘Time to go.’

‘And where are we going?’ You ask, rubbing your wrists.

‘Well,’ he starts, ‘if there’s something I’ve learnt from you, it’s that you can’t be left alone for too long.’ He winks and knocks twice on the table, before moving to the door. ‘Let’s move.’

You don’t hesitate.

As you scroll through the hallway, meeting the skeptical but wary eyes of many soldiers, Mobius reaches for his intercom. ‘Who are we looking for, exactly?’

‘Rintarou Okabe,’ a hunter replies. You raise your head at the name, and you swallow dry. ‘A variant from Beta Worldline.’

‘Oh, at least it’s not from Alpha,’ he chuckles. He turns to you, mouthing “crazy”. But, you don’t care enough to ask for an explanation.

No. Suddenly, all you care about is wrapping your hands around the throat of that one variant. No matter the worldline, no matter the timeline, he is still the very same — the same scumbag who has blessed your days with blood and scars.

‘What do we do?’

‘Track him,’ Mobius says. ‘But, whatever you do, don’t engage with the variant.’ His gaze is back on you. ‘I have a plan.’

‘What are you planning, exactly?’ You snap, narrowing your eyes. ‘If you think I’m going to help you—’

‘I’m afraid you don’t have much choice, D6.’ The man is already inside the lift, holding the door up for you.

You have already stopped walking, crossing your arms. ‘What makes you so sure I won’t just kill him?’

The sudden question makes him hum in thought, before he tilts his head and points to the collar around your neck. ‘That will keep you from doing as you please. I know how you feel about Rintarou—’

‘You don’t know shit.’

‘I know a lot of things about you,’ he says, but his tone makes her believe he has said that line many times before. He pauses, staring at her face. ‘But, looking at you now, it’s clear to see you are dying to see what this is all about. You want to see a familiar face, because you find comfort in what’s familiar and close to you. Isn’t that why you joined the organization?’

You tense up.

‘Right, sore spot,’ he mumbles. ‘Well, come on. The quicker we find him, the quicker we can go back to our pretty game of twenty questions.’ The intercom begins beeping once again, and he instinctively reaches for it but doesn’t answer at first. No, he keeps staring at you with this expectant look on his face. ‘What do you say?’

You glance to the side, only for a moment. You are curious to know where you are and how this whole place works. You want to know what the hell is the TVA and who is behind it, just so you can go home — once and for all. Most importantly, you want to know why Okabe, of all people, would be here. Then again, perhaps he was here for the same reason as you were. For a crime against the sacred timeline.

Whatever that means.

You finally respond by entering the lift and watching the doors close in silence.

Mobius, next to you, answers the intercom, smiling faintly.

‘Sector Nine,’ the same hunter quickly announces. ‘He is moving towards the Northern balcony. We are keeping a safe distance from the variant.’

‘Good job,’ he praises. ‘We’re on our way.’

The older man presses a button, and the elevator quickly begins its descent. You take a deep breath, clenching your fists by your sides — your normal reaction to when you are nervous or anticipating conflict. Mobius glances at you, observing, but turns back to the doors. For some reason, the silence feels welcoming. But, it doesn’t last long.

As soon as the doors open, a robotic voice welcoming you to Sector Nine, Mobius all but rushes down the hall, having turned right. You follow him closely, rolling your shoulders, and observe the multiple posters that line up the walls, as well as small monitors which display the current state of various worldlines.

‘Here’s what I want you to do,’ Mobius begins. ‘I want you to approach the variant, and I want you to be calm.’ He gives her a look.

You frown. It’s as if you’re being scolded by your mother, all over again.

‘Chances are, Rintarou will see you and think you’re just your Beta self. He will calm down, he will let you get closer.’

‘Do you really think he can be that easily convinced?’

‘If you play your role right, which I know you will, then yes,’ Mobius reassures. He places a hand on your shoulder, stopping you as you approach the end of the hall. ‘I want you to get close to him. Make him calm down, and just be patient and selfless.’

‘I’m not—’

He shushes you gently. You pause, and his lips turn upwards into a smile. ‘Despite what you’ve gone through with the organization,’ he starts, his voice lowered into a soft whisper, ‘I know you haven’t changed that much. I know you’re still you, deep down.’

Who are you, exactly?

The man suddenly presses something onto your hand. ‘Be careful.’ He raises his hand towards the entrance of the balcony and nods approvingly. How can someone you have never met in your life and, yet, someone who seems to know you so well be so positive? How can Mobius, despite knowing your deeds, be so encouraging, expecting the best of you?

He may be disappointed.

You peek around the corner, through the arched doorway. You swallow, upon seeing a figure stand in what appears to be awe and shock. Your eyes roam the figure, up and down, and, as they fall upon the messy hair, you recall the faint memory of grabbing onto those black locks, shoving his head back and pressing a knife to his throat.

Take it easy, you tell yourself.

You step out of the hall and quietly begin to walk into the room. The variant remains oblivious to your presence, and you know it is due to your training and experience when it comes to sneaking behind your targets. He exhales shakily and he leans to support his weight against the railing, his head dropped.

The sight makes you stop.

Somehow, you have never seen him look so defeated.

You understand that he may be feeling just as lost as you are, but, there is something about Okabe — about this variant, you remind yourself — that pulls slightly on your heart strings. He looks like he has given up, like he is ready to embrace whatever is thrown at him.

It unsettles you.

You glance over your shoulder and find yourself sharing a look with Mobius, who gives a firm nod before disappearing around the corner once again. You roll your eyes and turn back to the variant. You take another set of steps forward, although, this time, you are bolder. And, it earns you the response you had expected.

He spins around, his eyes wide and fearful.

You frown, tilting your head to the side. ‘...Okabe?’

The young man opens his mouth to speak, but all that comes out is a strangled breath, broken and confused. Even from the distance between you two, it is easy to see how he shakes.

You slowly approach him, your eyes fixated on the way his body grows even stiffer, on the way his eyes wander across your face, down your body. He seems to be in search of something, you conclude. But, you’re more worried about his stance, about how he may react to you.

You don’t know him, not as much as you feel like you know him, despite how similar they look. In the man that stands in front of you, you see nothing, however, that reassembles that blunt and cold person that you have been fighting for a long time. There is no emotionless stare, no chin held up high, no weapon in hand. He looks normal, perhaps as normal as both of you would have been — or perhaps how you are in another godforsaken worldline.

He calls your name, and the vulnerability makes you flinch.

‘What—why?’ He mutters. 

You only feign a gentle smile.

He stares at you, as if he is looking directly into your soul. You begin to think that, as you had suspected, he knows you are not who he thinks you actually are. But, the silence is killing you, more so than the pain that is clearly visible in his eyes. Something must have happened.

‘Okabe,’ you call.

Somehow, those words make the young man’s walls finally crack and, before you know it, his arms are wrapped around your body. You are stiff in a flash, but he doesn’t appear to notice. No, he is more preoccupied with pressing his face against the crook of your neck, as he leans against you.

‘You’re here,’ he whispers, breathlessly — and you hear his voice crack. ‘You’re here and you’re safe.’

‘From what?’ You ask, lowering your voice. Yet, despite Mobius’ request to play your role, you find yourself unable to embrace the man, even if your heart has broken a little bit. Maybe, you look just like your Beta variant, but you would never allow yourself to be as passionate and vulnerable as she.

Especially to him.

He still hasn’t answered your question; instead, he presses his face harder against your skin and you feel something wet dripping down your neck. He’s crying, you realize. But, why?

‘Okabe,’ you slowly raise your arms. ‘Everything’s okay.’

He sniffs, refusing to move away.

‘It’s okay,’ your lips curl into a calm smile. ‘Sleep.’ The Beta variant of Okabe pauses, and you repeat, ‘Sleep.’

When he opens his mouth, a confused sound escaping through, it suddenly morphs into a strangled scream.

He goes stiff and begins to fall back, his muscles completely paralyzed. You only watch, clear disinterest in your eyes. Okabe gasps for breath, as he lays on the floor. ‘W-what?’ He attempts to speak louder and clearer, but you realize that whatever tool you just used is too strong for even someone as Rintarou Okabe.

‘Sleep,’ you say the same word, and your voice is harsher, your eyes colder. His gaze is stormy — confusion, betrayal, shock. You don’t know which one hurts you the most, but you tell yourself that you aren’t supposed to care, even if he was a low variant of your enemy. ‘Sleep, Okabe.’

Mobius appears by your side, and both of you tower over the Japanese young man as he tries to fight off the inevitable. His eyes swin between you two, but, before he can say anything, they close and his body finally stills.

‘Good job, D6.’

[dangermousie]

2020 End of Year Post - kdrama edition

You can find my 2020 cdrama post here: dangermousie.tumblr.com/post/638449659546845184/2020-end-of-year-post-cdrama-edition

This is only going to cover kdramas that aired in 2020; if it originally aired another year, it’s not on this list.

It’s been a pretty lackluster kdrama year. There are probably only 5 kdramas I truly loved and only three of them I was really obsessed over. Better luck in 2021!

DRAMAS WATCHED

(In order of liking from least to most as opposed to pure quality; I am including if I’ve seen enough to make up my mind; yes I realize that’s inaccurate, but that’s my list)

42 Born Again - so bad, so incoherent, so insane, I have no idea why the leads signed up for it (and unlike some of the other watchers, I think it was awful from the very start.) There is literally nothing about this drama that makes sense.

41 Love with Flaws - a bunch of people who should be tried under the Geneva Convention.

40 Sweet Munchies - Jung Il Woo proves his inability to pick a functional script.

39 Meow the Secret Boy - if you ever wanted to bang a cat, this drama is for you. Not being a furry, however...

38 Do Do Sol Sol La Sol - I lost braincells just typing out this title.

37 When I Was the Most Beautiful - the only way it’s not the dumbest, most pointless melo of 2020 is because Born Again considerately came out the same year.

36 Woman of 9.9 Billion - if you want to watch an artsy French movie about miserable people, but only badly made, boy do I have a drama for you.

35 Lies after Lies - screams after screams.

34 Backstreet Rookie - people were up in arms about various problematic plots. I am a survivor of many plots much more problematic but even I couldn’t survive how utterly boring and annoying this drama was and how utterly irritating the leads were. This has taken Ji Chang Wook off my top favorites into “should I even check his latest Lovestruck in the City? Probably not” territory almost single-handedly (Melt Me helped, to be fair.)

33 Men Are Men - boring is boring.

32 Dinner Mate - two beautiful boring people eat out a lot.

31 Was It Love - no it wasn’t.

30 Alice - Joo Won in the shower can make up for a multitude of sins but not plot nonsense of such magnitude. When you find yourself thinking it would be better if he hooked up with the alternate universe version of his mother because at least then something entertaining would happen, you know it’s bad.

29 More than Friends - started out OK, then made me hate basically everyone and kept going.

28 Start-Up - honestly, it’s probably more decent than its place here, but the toxic and batshit fandom for it (the worst this year) made me feel like breaking out in hives any time it’s even mentioned.

27 The Spies who Loved Me - how to take a good cast and waste it.

26 Private Lives - it was good but it never took off with its concept and spent more time on the incoherent plot than the OTP which was its one strength. It’s a decent drama but coming after Heartless City and My Beautiful Bride from the same writer, it’s a disappointment.

25 Record of Youth - as high as it is due to Park Bo Gum hard carrying this entire awful drama on his shoulders and doing it so well I finished it. Alas, while he is in one drama (and that drama is great), the rest of the characters and the entirety of the script are a pointless useless mess.

24 Do You Like Brahms - excellent first third, mediocre middle, and terrible last third. I don’t know what musical term applies to this? Diminuendo, I think.

23 I’ll Go to You When the Weather is Nice - nice and mellow but nothing much happens.

22 Forest - mainly for Park Hae Jin’s excellent and frequently naked bod.

21 The Ballot - I didn’t love it as much as everyone did but it was well-made.

20 Hyena - more romance and less weird law stuff would make it better.

19 365 Repeat the Year - surprisingly solid.

18 The Game Towards Zero - see 365.

17 When My Love Blooms - very old fashioned, very lovely.

16 Chocolate - also very old fashioned and very lovely but also with Yoon Kye Sang performing medical procedures bleeding and shirtless. MMM.

15 (tie) Secret Royal Inspector - a fun if run of the mill sageuk.

15 Find Me In Your Memory - best melo this year.

14 Mystic Pop Up Bar - surprisingly good even though I wasn’t planning to check it out.

13 Where Your Eyes Linger - came out of nowhere but was tender and hopeful and lovely.

12 Itaewon Class - Park Seo Joon hard carries a drama that is already excellent. Love it.

11 Psychopath Diary - Yoon Shi Yoon is such a treat in a hilarious, cynical, dark comedy.

10 Kairos - more like ouroboros.

9 Queen Love and War - in a year where sageuks are very rare, this was solid and surprisingly moving and shippy.

8 The King Eternal Monarch - people didn’t like it but I did. It’s no masterpiece and both the leads and the writers have better dramas, but it was a lovely romantic fairy tale for me.

7 Mr. Queen - sharp, hilarious, and some of my favorite actors.

6 Psycho But It’s OK - healing, sharp cinematography and even sharper chemistry.

5 Crash Landing on You - the last ep pissed me off so much this drama is dead to me but I loved it so much until then I can’t place it lower in good conscience.

4 Train - who knew I would go this hard for an OCN drama or that OCN would do romance so well? But this time-travel mystery romance is just incredible and I shipped the OTP and rooted for the characters and loved every last bit of it.

3 Run On - this is the drama Record of Youth wanted to be but failed. Smart and lived in, you feel like you are peeking at real people, but also even four episodes in, I am so invested in the main characters separately and together, and care for them so much, it’s a little frightening.

1 (tie) Tale of the Nine Tailed - my perfect fantasy romance. I liked it better than Goblin, yeah I said it.

1 Flower of Evil - all the tropes I love in one incredible package. I would rewatch episodes waiting for new ones trying to puzzle the story and to stay withdrawal but it works just as well on rewatch. Lee Jun Ki brings his trademark tortured intensity and for once, both his leading lady and his script back him up and are worthy of that. It’s perfect.

FAVORITE DRAMA

It’s a tie between Tale of the Nine Tailed and Flower of Evil but if I had to pick just one, FoE, because it had me seriously obsessed and guessing about the protagonist and gave me the narrative tropes I love so much and an OTP that statisfied all my hurt/comfort kinks and then some.

WORST DRAMA

Born Again - honestly, this is so bonkers it almost becomes good but alas...

FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER

Do Hyun Soo/Baek Hee Sung, Flower of Evil - he is so messed up, so on edge, so traumatized. Yet capable of so much warmth and caring even as he himself doesn’t realize his humanity. FoE is basically a story of a man pushed and punished by the world for his entire life who, because of one woman, finds a safe place and peace and slowly comes to life without realizing it, and watching his desperation to keep this small bit of normalcy is so heartbreaking and exciting all at once. Plus, you start the drama thinking he’s a psychopathic serial killer and end it (if you are me) thinking he must be protected at all costs and if anyone even looks at him wrong they must suffer, and that’s quite a change!

FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER

Nam Ji Ah, Tale of the Nine Tailed - she is so funny and tough and smart and loving and amazing that I will totally buy that a literal demi-god will do anything and everything for her and love her for literal eternity.

NEEDS TO BE MURDERED

Dad in Record of Youth - yes in a year with serial killers and supernatural demons, I picked a normal character from a mediocre drama. It’s his everyday awfulness to his family that hits so hard and I am sad he never got his comeuppance.

FAVORITE SHIP

Ji Ah x Yeon - a fearless reporter and an immortal demi-god who’s been hoping for his human beloved to reincarnate. A really rare set-up where the OTP is equally ride or die, so compatible and completely BAMF. I got why he waited for her for that long and then fell in love with her all over again. Perfection.

Runner up: Flower of Evil - he is so messed up he literally does not believe he is capable of love or empathy, but he falls in love with her anyway and so utterly she permeates his entire life. She is tough as nails and only believes what she sees and is the sole person who believes in him against the world. She loves him but he needs her. She needs him but he loves her. They are amazing.

FAVORITE SECONDARY OTP

Seo Dan x Gu Seung Jun, Crash Landing on You, North Korean x Conman were so good I shipped them harder than the main OTP and the end of that storyline pissed me off so much I dumped the drama and didn’t finish it for months (and it’s still dead to me.)

NOTP

Record of Youth - it started out and they didn’t have much chemistry but the dialogues were interesting and I thought the chemistry would grow. It didn’t and deteriorated, their dialogues became boring and relationship had zero development (about as much as the supposed female lead.) I think we were supposed to feel bad they broke up and they were going for a bittersweet open ending, instead I found myself happy about the break up of two incompatible, chemistry-less people and hoping for the love of God they never get back together.

FAVORITE SCENE

Yeon and the bridge of knives, Tale of the Nine Tailed - Yeon choosing to undergo the creeptastic bridge of knives for a chance to save Ji Ah, who at that point he is not aware is the reincarnation of his Joseon love because, as he says, he doesn’t care if she is or isn’t, it just would be more horrible to have her die than to undergo the horrific torture he is undergoing, and then the sequence with his catching her, her weeping over him and the fact that she is the original Joseon girl revealed and all the bandaging and his watching her sleep and all that loveliness, is everything for yours truly.

Runner up: Hyun Soo having that break-down at the cliff at the end of ep 15 of Flower of Evil as Ji Won desperately tries to convince him she is alive and he finally stumbles to her.

Runner runner up (it’s my list, I will do what I want): Do Won preparing to blow his brains out to give a chance to Seo Kyung to live in Train.

BIGGEST CRUSH

Seon-Gyeom, Run On. Yeah, I know. Im Siwan is tiny, delicate featured and has a runner’s build, none of which are things that normally appeal to me. But his character is so odd, so honest, so unflinching in pursuing what he thinks is right, so incapable of self-pity despite plenty of reasons for it, and so ridiculously attractive when he smiles, I don’t even care.

BEST SCENE STEALER CHARACTER

Kim Bum, TotNT - I started out being annoyed by him and ended up looking forward to his scenes and being distraught by his ending.

NEEDS A SEQUEL

Honestly, none. I was fine with all the endings. I wouldn’t mind seeing post-end life of Tale of the Nine Tailed characters or the OTP settling into their literal new world in Train, but I am good.

TROPE THAT NEEDS TO DIE

Time jump that solves all the problems off screen or alternatively years pass and everyone is frozen - something that kdramas need to learn and need to learn badly. See Record of Youth, Brahms and Start Up.

FAVORITE TROPE WE’VE SEEN A LOT OF

Men who are ride or die for their OTP - this was a great year for this - the male leads of four of my five dramas were beyond anything on that scale (only exception is Run On because it’s still too early to tell there.) Yes PLEASE.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT

This was a banner year for that what with Start Up, Do You Like Brahms, Record of Youth, and Private Lives all starting out well and nosediving off the cliff but winner is Crash Landing on You. I loved it so much for bulk of its run but the last episode pissed me off so much I deleted all my files and called it a day.

BIGGEST GOOD SURPRISE

Flower of Evil - I had no expectations of this drama and wasn’t even planning on watching it despite liking both the lead actors because yet another “look at evil serial killer be evil” drama with no romance was not my thing. Luckily someone convinced me there might be some romance and I peeked curiously. Honestly, their promo campaign was the most misleading and dumbest thing ever.

Runner up Psycho but it’s OK - I have never liked Kim Soo Hyun in anything before and the drama premise seemed WTF but it was shockingly good and KSH totally blew me away.

Hardest Working Lead

Yoon Shi Yoon - he starred in two (!!!) dramas in 2020 playing three characters and not only were both these dramas awesome in a lackluster year, but if it wasn’t for the fact that I knew it was the same actor and the fact that the characters shared a face, I would have never believed that they were played by the same actor. So good!

2020 DRAMAS I HAVEN’T SEEN THAT I MOST WANT TO WATCH

None. Covid Year gave me PLENTY of time

BEST NON-2020 DRAMA I’VE WATCHED IN 2020

My Beautiful Bride and Deserving of the Name - I was obsessed with both of them and honestly, they were much better than the bulk of 2020 kdramas I watched.

MOST ANTICIPATED IN 2021

The Moon That Rises in the Day, Hong Chun Gi, Joseon Exorcist, Island,  Frightening Cohabitation, Snowdrop.

[ayuuria]

Yashahime Translation: Prince Animage May 2021 Issue (Part 2)

Please do not repost this translation without my consent! This includes screenshots of any type and amount. If you wish to share this translation, simply link to this post.

For more information regarding the use of my translations, click here.

Due to the amount of content in the magazine, I have decided to the split the translation into three parts:

Part 1: Elder Son’s Resolve! Interview with Director Satou Teruo

Part 2: We Won’t Give Up On the Future! Father-Daughter Round-Table Talk with Narita Ken, Matsumoto Sara, and Komatsu Mikako

Part 3: The Strength to Overcome Destiny. Interview with Director Satou Teruo

Intertwining Fates

The curtains on the Yashahimes’ story briefly closed with the shocking scene of “Setsuna’s death”. With Towa and the others at its center, the complexly intertwined fates of various people continue into the second chapter (season).

The fire that tore Towa and Setsuna apart, the Dream Butterfly that stole Setsuna’s slumber, the sleeping Rin, and the Rainbow Pearls that possess demonic power; all these things that became key to the story were connected to Kirinmaru’s elder sister, Zero.

Zero previously heard the Shikon Jewel’s prophecy: “An existence that is neither demon nor human and can cross through time will destroy Kirinmaru.” Thinking that it refers to Towa, Setsuna, Moroha, and Inuyasha, Zero tried to eliminate them in order to protect her younger brother. However, that was just an ostensible reason. Behind her actions lurked a feeling of jealousy towards the half-demons and quarter-demon that carried the Dog General’s blood. It seems her unrealized love for the Dog General was the motivation behind her twisted emotions and actions.

Zero’s behavior rouses Kirinmaru’s anger and she disappears from his sight. However, the story does not end with just this issue being settled. As part of the “Rite of Courage and Cowardice”, Towa and the others end up having to fight Kirinmaru and unbelievably, Setsuna loses her life during the battle.

There is a heap of other issues such as Rin who still continues to sleep even now and the Grim Comet that has appeared in the modern era. It is now an anxious wait for the broadcasting to see how future mysteries will be unraveled in the second chapter (season).

Character Bios

Zero Kirinmaru’s elder sister. She was in love with the Dog General. Being that she was the one who created the Rainbow Pearls, she went to go look for the scattered pearls after her breakdown with Kirinmaru.

Kirinmaru The beast king of the eastern lands. Irritated by his elder sister, Zero’s, misconduct towards Sesshōmaru, they part ways as brother and sister as a result. He battles the three (Towa, Setsuna, Moroha) and kills Setsuna.

Sesshōmaru The son of the beast king who once stood on the same level as Kirinmaru, the Dog General, and Towa and Setsuna’s father. It seems he is searching for a child named Akuru but the reason why is unknown.

Higurashi Towa She treasures her younger twin sister, Setsuna, above all else. As she grieves over Setsuna’s death, she receives a broken Tenseiga from her father, Sesshōmaru… …?

Setsuna A half-demon whose sleep and memories were stolen by the Dream Butterfly. She loses her life while battling Kirinmaru but just before drawing her last breath, she calls Towa “Towa-neechan”.

Moroha Towa and Setsuna’s cousin. Despite being enraged by Setsuna’s death, when she turned into Beniyasha, she was able to maintain her (sound) mind and not get overwhelmed by the rampage of her demonic blood.

The Offense and Defense Concerning Half-Demons

Zero has attempted to eliminate the half-demons that carry the Dog General’s blood by doing things such as spurring Kirinmaru to kill Inuyasha or burning the forest that Towa and Setsuna were hiding in. Sesshōmaru was always by her side. Though he does not say much, Sesshōmaru may have seen through Zero’s intentions early and acted one step ahead.

Rin and Zero’s Connection

Zero can connect to others via “fate” and control them as she pleases. Those whose fates are connected to Zero will die alongside her should she lose her life. It seems Zero herself connected her fate to Rin and used that to keep Sesshōmaru in check. The details on how Rin and Zero’s fates were intertwined is of interest.

That Which Sesshōmaru Searches For

Sesshōmaru is someone who never appeared on the story’s center stage for long. During that time, he was searching for a child named Akuru. It seems that the pinwheel Akuru holds is somehow connected to the giant “Windmill of Time”. After Akuru appeared before Sesshōmaru, the Windmill of Time that had not moved for so long moved again but what does that mean… …?

Setsuna’s Seal

Zero wants Kirinmaru to exterminate Towa and the others but Kirinmaru, preferring to fight fair and square, realizes the difference in strength between him and the girls and decides to hold off battling them until they have grown (in strength). It is there that Zero forcefully releases the seal placed on Setsuna’s demon blood so that Kirinmaru will fight Towa and the others seriously.

A Broken Tenseiga

The Tenseiga that Sesshōmaru carries is a sword of healing that was created from the fang of the Dog General and is known as “the sword that saves the lives of the weak”. Sesshōmaru resurrects the dead Zero with Tenseiga but that enrages Zero and she breaks the blade. Will the broken Tenseiga be able to revive Setsuna who has lost her life?

Famous Quote Pick Up!

The role of Sesshōmaru, Narita Ken “Anymore will sadden Rin”

“Personally, the monologue in episode 24 “Anymore will sadden Rin…” struck me. Even though Sesshōmaru doesn’t show kindness, periodically he will suddenly say something like this. On top of that, he doesn’t even put a lot of emotion into it and it just comes out nonchalantly. I think that‘s what’s good about him.” (Narita)

The role of Higurashi Towa, Matsumoto Sara “We’re not alone now.”

“(the line) At the end of episode 16 “We’re not alone now.” I felt was just like Towa. She says that to Moroha but of course Setsuna is among those she’s thinking of. Towa came to the feudal era for Setsuna’s sake she has always held the feeling of “It’s okay because Setsuna is here” at her core. The strength of her unwaveringness really shows when the three of them are backed into a corner.” (Matsumoto)

The role of Setsuna, Komatsu Mikako “You can always change the way you live”

“The phrase in episode 16 “You can always change the way you live” left an impression on me. Even though Setsuna is a half-demon, she’s quite farsighted (philosophically) for a 14-year-old. I think her environment up until now and the blood that flows within her makes her that way. Having passed episode 20 which depicted Setsuna’s past, I once again feel how powerful this phrase is.” (Komatsu)

We Won’t Give Up on the Future! Father-Daughter Cast Round Table Discussion

Role of Higurashi Towa: Matsumoto Sara Role of Setsuna: Komatsu Mikako Role of Sesshōmaru: Narita Ken

Demanding “A Sense of Smell” From Playing Sesshōmaru

— Since this is after the recording of episode 23 today (the day of the interview), thank you all for your hard work!

Matsumoto: Thank you! You see, today is actually the first time I recorded with Narita-san for “Hanyō no Yashahime”. It’s like “we finally meet” kind of feeling and I’m very happy!

Narita: Finally, it was our first father-daughter meeting! I look forward to doing this interview together.

Komatsu: Likewise, I look forward to working with you as well. Narita-san went straight into recording episode 24 (the final episode) right after recording episode 23. The last episode is next week for us, but we read the script and it was completely shocking… …!

— The final episode had an ending that really made you wonder about the future. Having traversed through the story up to this point, what is everyone’s state of mind right now?

Matsumoto: After episode 20, going into the final stage, the vigor of the story increased. For viewers, I think their theories up to now were all overturned at one point. We also started recording not knowing what was going to happen in the future, so we progressed through recording while talking about “What’s going to happen next?” every time. It was a continuation of surprises. Just when I thought we finally got to interact with our father in episode 23, this time, something like that happens to Setsuna… … I was shocked like “To think they would end it like this!” and I immediately started thinking about how the second chapter (season) would connect from here. My current thought is that as I look forward to the second chapter (season), I want to rewatch season 1 one more time before the broadcasting (for season 2) begins.

Komatsu: Back when I didn’t know what was going to happen, when I asked the staff “How is season 1 going to end and what’s going to happen in season 2?”, they told me “Most of the questions that the viewers have will be answered in season 1. Around the last episode of season 1, you might be able to record with everyone in the Higurashi family again.” That’s why in my (mind), I had my hopes up like “I wonder if in the final episode, the whole Kirinmaru situation and Rin’s sleep would all be resolved and Setsuna and the others go to the modern era again, and in season 2 the three Yashahimes would start a happy school life?”

Everyone: (laughs)

Komatsu: And then it went in a completely different direction! Just when I thought the story was connecting in a line, there’s suddenly more questions. There’s still many unanswered mysteries and in the second chapter (season), what will happen (in regards to the those mysteries) … while having that anticipation, as Setsuna, I want her to be revived as soon as possible. In the Inuyasha world, you get pushed down many times, no matter what, and those intense developments where you fight as you climb back up are a distinct characteristic. Hence, I look forward to those intense developments in the second chapter (season)!

Narita: I don’t like calculating future developments and then think “I’ll do this part like this” so I go into the recordings without knowing the upcoming story or the movement of the characters as much as possible. Besides, it feels more fun to go into it without knowing the story. As such, all I use is my sense of smell. In this work, it feels like I’m using my sense of smell 1,000 times more than usual. That’s just how much concentration is needed, and I feel that this work is very stimulating in more ways than one.

— It seems that Sesshōmaru himself moves knowing what Kirinmaru and Zero are after but Narita-san, you were acting without knowing the upcoming development I see.

Narita: That’s right. Sound director Nagura Yasushi-san asked me “Would you like me to give you something that explains how things will turn out?” but I purposely declined. If I found out, it felt as though unnecessary emotions would come out of my voice. When I act, I aim for the middle between “Lines written in the script as is” and “my own considerations” like “It probably goes like this right?”.

Komatsu: Even though I think Sesshōmaru probably knows everything, his lines have various components mixed into them, so I always get a sense of “I wonder?”.  That’s why as a fan, I love speculating that marginal aspect.

Matsumoto: I’m the same way. (His lines) always leave room for pondering.

Komatsu: He doesn’t speak much to begin with, but I think it’s just like father to not say everything within those few words. Watching Narita-san record in person today, I was moved by how Sesshōmaru’s nuances were expressed with such finesse.

Narita: As expected, you two are “Inuyasha” fans (laughs). But it really is difficult. He won’t say things with words after all. Although, he would just become a boring man if he said everything. I think he himself knows everything, but suppresses giving out the answer and just highlights it a little bit… that kind of moderation is important. I’m always conscious of this when I act but it’s tough after all. I only have a few lines so I have this feeling of “If I mess these words up, when is the next time (I speak)?”. That’s why I act with this feeling of “I’m going to put everything into these words” every time.

— Narita-san, how did you feel when you first heard about the “Hanyō no Yashahime” project?

Narita: I never thought they would revive “Inuyasha” in this form. If they were going to do it, I thought naturally Inuyasha would be the center of the story. The setting of Sesshōmaru’s children being the main characters never crossed my mind. I thought something like that would be impossible and I wondered about a lot of things like “Then who’s the mother?”.  Rin (being the mother) was unexpected.

— It was unexpected?

Narita: I didn’t think he would ever touch upon that. I wanted to shake Sesshōmaru’s shoulders like “This isn’t like you~!” (laughs).

Komatsu: Love sprouted!

Narita: How do I put it, love is something far off to Sesshōmaru… I even think he had kids because he probably had some kind of objective.

— In other words, not because he wanted to create a family?

Narita: That might be true for Inuyasha, but for Sesshōmaru, I think there was an experimental aspect to it like “What sort of chemical reaction would happen in my heart if I had kids”. After all, I don’t think it’s necessary for him to be a dad.

Komatsu: Sesshōmaru certainly does seem like he would have that kind of desire to “want to know”.

— Then how did you feel when you saw the girls?

Narita: “Ah, so this is what they’re like” is what I thought. I thought they were brave, healthy looking kids. When color was added to the characters, I felt there were aspects similar to Sesshōmaru. But you know, the shock that he had daughters really is big. It was like “Will the Sesshōmaru up until now fall apart?” “I don’t want him to start ogling”. It was a little complicated there. It's just that it’s true that in the story of “Inuyasha”, he gradually showed his affection for Rin. In that case, something close to that may also bud for his daughters and that too may become a new appeal for him.

Reenacting Sesshōmaru’s Solitude for the Final Recording

— It’s been 20 years since the time of “Inuyasha” but Narita-san, do you remember the time you met Sesshōmaru?

Narita: I did not get the role of Sesshōmaru through auditioning. It seems there were actual auditions, but they couldn’t come to a decision, so they had Takahashi Rumiko-sensei, the author of the original work, listen to the voice samples of various candidates. It was there that Rumiko-sensei picked me is how the story goes. Until then, I did not have many appearances in anime works, so I think there are many young people who recognize me for my role as Sesshōmaru. I also felt that things changed after I played Sesshōmaru. That’s why to me, his existence is very big.

— His looks are androgynous but his voice is deep, so in the beginning, there may have been people who felt an element of surprise from that.

Narita: When I first saw his character appearance, I remember thinking he was woman dressed in a furisode. That’s why during the first test, I used a higher pitched voice. Like the pretty boy voice so to speak.  Then, the sound director at the time, Tsuruoka Yōta-san told me “Please make it deeper”. I lowered my voice while thinking “What?” yet he still said “Deeper” … That’s why it was very hard in the beginning. It was to the point that I thought “I can’t keep going like this!”.  That’s why I raised my voice just a little bit at time so that it wasn’t noticeable. Otherwise, I felt that I couldn’t express (things). When I did that, it gradually became easier.

Matsumoto: So that’s how it was.

Narita: Although, there was a trigger behind that. At one point, I received a letter from someone who was a fan of the work and it seemed that the Sesshōmaru that person imagined was a certain voice actor who was very popular at the time. When I read that, I thought “Whaaat!” (laughs). But if that’s the case, I thought “It’s fine if I do this more freely” and my shoulders relaxed instantly, and I felt better.

—  As in acting in a way that only you can?

Narita: Yes, that’s why I’m grateful for that letter. It’s thanks to that that I was able to reach a turning point after all.

Komatsu: Meaning you broke through that “Sesshōmaru has to be like this” kind of (mentality). When I first heard Sesshōmaru’s voice in the animation, I was able to grasp that “This is what Sesshōmaru’s scariness was”. To begin with, his beauty and contrasting calmness pierced through me and I had this scary image of him from when I read the manga. However, the moment that became a voice, I really felt that it made it convincing. That’s why from the start in my mind, I couldn’t imagine anyone else for Sesshōmaru other than Narita-san. It’s the complete opposite of Inuyasha’s high tone and he’s calm. He felt like a true greater demon. His rank is much higher than Inuyasha’s and I could feel that sense of him being beyond anyone’s power.

Narita: Afterall, his father (the Dog General) was Ōtsuka Akio-san and his mother is Sakakibara Yoshiko-san. The parents were amazing, weren’t they?

Matsumoto: For sure, the whole family is strong… …!

Narita: But Sesshōmaru’s strength is that he doesn’t flinch even before such parents. Like he has his own world. I thought I really should (act) that part without wavering.

— How did it feel playing Sesshōmaru again for the first time in a while in “Hanyō no Yashahime”?

Narita: It’s been 20 years since “Inuyasha” and 10 years since “Inuyasha the Final Act” so that amount of time is pretty hefty. I thought I could do it instantly but when I tried, it felt off. I was bewildered like “I did this originally so why?”.  I started acting while doing my utmost to recall the feelings from back then, but it didn’t go well immediately and even I was surprised. The stronger the emotional attachment, the closer to myself I got and I thought “This is a human”. I kept comparing and adjusting many times like “Gotta change it back, gotta change it back”.

— So there’s a certain feeling when playing a demon.

Narita: That’s when I thought I probably focused a lot more back during “Inuyasha”. The onsite studio for “Inuyasha” had a peaceful atmosphere and I felt that I couldn’t let myself get caught up in the atmosphere. Stubbornly, I strongly made myself think “I am solitary”. Until I stood in front of the microphone, I would create Sesshōmaru inside myself and carry on as such until the end. That may have been what I was missing. That’s why at the recording of the final episode today, I purposely told the girls “I want you out”.

— In other words?

Narita: Just as I said earlier, I recorded episode 23 with the girls but I recorded the final episode alone. During that time, the girls waited for me (until the interview started) and they could’ve stayed in the booth but I purposely wanted to do it alone. It probably wouldn’t have changed much whether there was someone inside or not but how to put it, I wanted to get closer to the me back then, even just a little.

— I see.

Matsumoto: There’s certainly emphasis on recording with a small number of people right now, so it might be a difficult environment to face your role in. It’s pretty much you get to the studio, immediately voice the scenes you appear in, and then immediately go home when you’re done. Even as a newbie, I can feel it throwing off my rhythm somehow.

— So even bout scenes get (cut up) into small pieces then.

Matsumoto: I think if we had recorded with everyone together from the top, we could’ve created time for each of us to focus on our roles while feeling the flow of the story. I think there’s definitely something that can be built with everyone onsite. However, there’s difficulty from not having time to build that.

Komatsu: When you can feel the flow of the whole thing onsite, the feeling changes a little from when you’re reading the script at home. There are times where you realize things for the first time. But right now, we’re only doing our corresponding scenes, so things come up that we just can’t grasp. There is merit in just doing your turn in a short time, but it feels completely different from doing it with everyone.

— So there’s a challenge that comes from the Corona crisis.

Komatsu: The staff have shown consideration for us by making it possible for us to interact with each other as much as possible, so I’m grateful. While taking in consideration counter measures against spreading the virus, they adjusted it so that those voicing scenes with character conversations can record in the same booth together. Thanks to that, the cast of the three Yashahime were basically able to record together.

Narita: They were limiting it to around 3, 4 people at most. I recorded with Kirinmaru (Yoshimasa Hosoya-san) and Zero (Sakamoto Maaya-san) many times. Then there was Jaken-chan (Chō-san). Jaken was the same old Jaken and he made me think that I had to do my best without losing. I didn’t (record) together with my younger brother (Inuyasha played by Yamaguchi Kappei-san). Not that I want to meet him or anything.

Matsumoto: It’s Lord Sesshōmaru! (laughs)

Komatsu: Thank you! (laughs)

Narita: (laughs) Also, I was able to record together with Rin (Noto Mamiko-san) in episode 1. It felt as though Noto-san had matured a little bit. Her growth as a woman came through a little in her acting, which I thought was wonderful.

Matsumoto: Us daughters haven’t recorded with Noto-san but I just happened to be able to watch the recording for episode 15, so that’s when I greeted her. When I told her “I’m your daughter; thank you for giving birth to me” Noto-san was like “Oh my god~! My daughter~!”. But we had to maintain social distancing so we were both like “I can’t hug youuuu~!” (laughs).

Komatsu: I’m so jealous. I can picture that situation (laughs)

Concern about Setsuna’s life and Towa and Riku’s relationship

— In regard to Rin, it was revealed in episode 23 and 24 that her “fate” is connected to Zero. Matsumoto-san and Komatsu-san, as daughters, what do you think?

Komatsu: I thought “what a cruel fate”. While the feeling of wanting to hurry and meet mother face to face grows stronger, currently the only way to prolong Rin’s life is to keep her asleep, and it’s there that Setsuna’s Dream Butterfly is involved. All that is linked to Zero.

Matsumoto: It’s a negative chain where in order to get Setsuna’s sleep back, you have to kill Zero but doing so would also kill Rin. Towa wants Setsuna to be able to sleep but she still doesn’t know about that connection. She tried to sever that in the final episode, but the result was…

Komatsu:  Setsuna, who was never able to sleep, was finally able to sleep via death. It was such an ironic plot twist… …!

Matsumoto: Seriously, I thought “You’d write this kind of script!?”! (laughs) In the opening for cour 2, there’s a scene where Rin catches a falling Setsuna but I want them to hurry and do this scene in the main story.

Narita: Setsuna will be in season 2, right? We won’t be able to sleep in Setsuna’s place because we’re so curious.

Komatsu: I have faith that she’ll appear… … For that reason, I look forward to Towa’s efforts.

Matsumoto: I’ll do my best! At the end of the final episode, Sesshōmaru takes out a broken Tenseiga and says “Shall you try, Towa…”. That was the first time father said my name. Earlier, I watched Narita-san record from outside the booth and that was truly unforgettable. Seriously, I think it was a scene that entrusted a lot of things (to Towa) so I want to carve that voice into my heart and take on the recording for the final episode.

— In regard to Towa, her relationship with Riku is also of interest.

Matsumoto: You’re right. The scene where she told Riku “I like you!” really surprised me!

Komatsu: Love made up a large portion within the story of “Inuyasha” but “Hanyō no Yashahime” doesn’t have a love component to that level. It was a scene where you saw a small sign of that.

Matsumoto: For the line “I like you”, Nagura-san directed me before the recording “It is absolutely not fawning. Please don’t go in the LOVE (romantic) direction.” I think it was a refreshing emotion and that she liked Riku as a person type feeling. I was also told “It’s okay to show happiness when Towa sees Riku like ‘Oh it’s Riku’”. Even though she doesn’t think it’s (romantic) love, it seems she’s always had this perception of “Riku’s not a bad person” and I think what burst out from that was “I like you”. The fact that Riku hugged her was something that lingered with her into the next episode, and it was very memorable.

Narita: Riku… … he can’t be overlooked in many ways (laughs). This won’t do, I can’t let him live. I guess I should cut him down in a single stroke!

Matsumoto: Fatheeeeer!! (laughs)

Komatsu: Like “I won’t forgive anyone who make a move on my daughter” (laughs)

— Riku’s wellbeing will be something to pay attention to in season 2 (laughs). Lastly please give a message to our readers who are looking forward to the second chapter (season).

Komatsu: First off, there’s what’s going to happen to Setsuna. I’m sure Towa, who’s been entrusted with things, will revive her in the second chapter (season)… … Personally, I want to see father-daughter interaction and a reunion scene with mother. I also haven’t given up on my dream of an exciting modern era school life! Just once is fine but I want an episode where everyone goes to the modern era, wears a school uniform, and takes Kirin-sensei’s class. Having it end as “it was all just a dream” is fine too (laughs). I believe there are issues as well like Inuyasha and Kagome being trapped in the black pearl, so I hope everything is included in the second chapter (season)!

Narita: Indeed, when I think about what all is going to happen, I can’t help but be curious. Coming to episode 23, I recorded with the girls for the first time but how are things going to be between (Sesshōmaru) and the girls going forward? I’m also curious about the relationships with Inuyasha and Kirinmaru. I’m just like the viewers in that I want to enjoy each episode one at a time. I’m truly happy to have encountered this work. I would be happy if everyone continued supporting us.

Matsumoto: In terms of hopes, I want Setsuna to be revived immediately at the beginning of the second chapter (season)… … Even if that doesn’t happen, I want Setsuna to be revived as soon as possible. I think there will be new encounters getting there. At the end of season 1, there was a character named Akuru that appeared along with the keyword “Windmill of Time”. I’m excited to see how those will connect into the second chapter (season). Another thing I’m curious about is the promise that was made to Mei, “We’ll come back for sure”.

Komatsu: Oh yeah

Matsumoto: I do feel that I want to see a scene where Towa says “I’m home” to the Higurashi family… … but right now I don’t want to go back to the modern era! Need to revive Setsuna and clean up everything before that! Riku, Zero, and Kirinmaru might show some new movement in the second chapter (season). Please look forward to it without missing the details!

Q. Who did you think was Towa and Setsuna’s mother?

Narita: I thought it was Jaken (laughs).

Matsumoto: The Mama Jaken theory! (laughs)

Komatsu: Even among the fans, there was the Mama Jaken theory in the beginning (laughs).

Narita: Well, Jaken stays close to Sesshōmaru the most and knows him best. If love was going to sprout, it would’ve been from Jaken. Plus, he’s a full demon.

Matsumoto: Master Jaken really looks at Lord Sesshōmaru after all.

Komatsu: In actuality, Master Jaken was both the educator and caretaker, so his position was like a wet nurse.

Narita: He might’ve been breast feeding them periodically. Demons seem like they can do anything (laughs).

Komatsu: I think Master Jaken guessed what Lord Sesshōmaru was feeling and thought “What is my role…”.

Narita: He probably can’t be by Sesshōmaru’s side if he doesn’t have that kind of anticipation (laughs)

[that-homoerotic-blouse]

30 Questions Meme

I was tagged by @goodtobealunatic and it made me so happy! It’s been a while since I filled one of these. Thank you!

Rules: Answer these 30 questions then tag 20 people you wanna get to know better.

1. Name/Nickname: Em

2. Gender: Error 404

3. Star Sign: Capricorn/Aquarius (look, I’m tired, I don’t care for horoscopes and all I know is that in some places the 20th is considered a Capricorn and in others it’s considered Aquarius, so to hell with it I’m both)

4. Height: 5’7”

5. Time: 23:25 pm

6. Birthday: 20/01

7. Favorite Band: uhhh gonna say Queen, cause their vibe and the stylistic variety of their music is simply dazzling, but I must confess I’m not one for bands, I usually listen to soundtracks or instrumental music mainly 

8. Favorite Solo Artist: umm David Bowie, I guess? Again, his vibe and his style are majestic and he’s got a lot of songs about space :)

9. Song currently stuck in your head: none and THANK GOD FOR THAT

10. Last movie watched: The Prince of Egypt (1998) because it’s a visual masterpiece and the music makes me cry :’)

11. Last show watched: Doctor Who (I’m halfway through my season 4 rewatch heheh)

12. When I created this blog: May 2014

13. What I post: mostly RTD era Doctor Who stuff (which remains one of my longest hyperfixations to date), things to do with David Tennant, Much Ado, Good Omens, my favorite films and other random stuff, but also activism, intersectional feminism, lgbtq+ and gender related stuff

14. Last thing I googled: Gävle Goat (because my adhd brain suddenly went WAIT IS THIS THE GOAT THAT BURNS EVERY YEAR at 1am)

15. Other blogs of yours: nope! No sideblogs no nothing, this baby here is my personal dumpster, a true clusterfuck of stuff

16. Following: 250

17. Do you get asks?: Sometimes? More like rarely, but I love answering them anyway so please don’t be shy ;)

18. Why you chose your URL: skdjjfhjfvkfndvk to be completely honest I’m not sure, I’ve had the same URL since I first logged onto this site in the ancient year of our Lord 2014 and haven’t changed it (although I’m considering it). I suppose what my baby teen self wanted to convey was that I was an overly dramatic flamboyant little gay, which still stands true as of today ;)

19. Lucky number: none I guess? When I was younger though I used to believe that the number my name occupied on the school class list gave me luck, which was at first 9 and then 12 in high school, but I gave that up a long time ago

20. Followers: 821

21. Average hours of sleep: 7 or 8 almost every night, because I’m basically glued to the sheets if I get any less. However it takes me an awful long time to fall asleep (lmao) so it could be between 6 and 7

22. Play any instruments: oohhhohoh no definitely not, it’s been a long time since I abandoned learning music and decided to simply enjoy it (but I used to play the violin when I was little) 

23. What’re you wearing: grey sweatpants, black V-neck t-shirt and my favorite socks :3

24. Dream job: ideally, something related to acting or in the creative industry

25. Favorite food: POTATOES, POTATOES IN ALL THEIR SHAPES AND FORMS ARE EXQUISITE ... or alternatively, something with cheese and tomato, like pasta or pizza

26. Nationality: European (lol) that’s all you need to know

27. Favorite song: aaaaaa but that’s an impossible question! It’s like counting drops in the ocean! I can tell you one I’ve been listening to recently because of nostalgia though, We go Where No one Goes by Jonsi

28. Last song you listened to: Run Boy Run by Woodkid

29. Last book you read: hmmmm I haven’t read anything properly in ages (*ashamed screech*), but for academic purposes the last one I read was Down and Out in Paris and London by George Orwell, and I’m also just starting Beautiful Chaos, which is a DoctorDonna novel and it looks great so far :)

30. 3 fictional universes you’d love to live in:  kjdskcdhcbkds this is the question that provides me with all the daydream scenarios. But just three? Okay let’s see: Doctor Who!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (YES PLEASE) !!!!!!!!!!!!!, How to Train your Dragon (DRAGONNNSS) and perhaps ATLA because I’ve always wanted to waterbend ^^

I’m tagging: @mayomkun @earthgirl-sunshine @wordsintimeandspace @mothdogs @coolartist1110 @badwolfgirl13 @fritzmetzger @senadimell @onthedriftinthetardis @jasdoctorwhowriter @mylonelyangel7 @loupettes @geekgoddess @tenthdoctorlife @englishbunnyrocks @dumbfilmschoolkid @chemeli @rcse @deardiary17 @libeloco

[gaytransgirl]

Outrunning the Universe: The Troubling Implications of City Seventeen (Sonic Riders Fandub Analysis)

That’s right. After the success of my 06 dub analysis, I’m throwing my hat back in the ring with a stab at the Sonic Riders (plus Zero Gravity) fandub. Originally, I had hoped to track the development of Sonic’s toxicity towards his friends over the course of the dub series. However, as I rewatched the Riders fandub, I began to notice something sinister. Or... Someone sinister, really. That person?

Jet the Hawk.

I understand that this initial pairing might mystify you. “But Lily,” I can hear you saying, “Jet is a wholesome friend who appreciates Storm and Wave! What’s so sinister about that?” And you may be right. The Babylon Rogues are a much more positive and uplifting friend group than Team Heroes. The trouble lies with everything else Jet does, especially his development from after five years have passed. First, though, we have to take a look at what Jet’s untamed power can do by sifting through the original Sonic Riders’s dub portion.

Three main scenes depict the truth of Jet’s power on its own. First, we’ll draw upon the scene depicted at 4:30. Sonic makes an illegal left, and Jet notes this before announcing the first sign of his boundless powers. “Revali’s Gale is now ready.” For those of you who don’t understand the implications of this, it shows that Jet either has achieved a massive level of control over his own flight that he is able to take off from the ground on his own, or that he has freed Divine Beast Vah Medoh from Ganon’s control. Neither is any small feat, but we can deduce that it is indeed the latter, since Jet’s take-off is done while riding his Extreme Gear. We know now that Jet has defeated Ganon. (Also worth noting, as it happens between now and the next Jet Moment™, is that Storm is shown to have immense power of his own, thanks to his possession of an enemy stand. More on this later.)

Jet’s next great display of power is shortly before the race at the Great Colosseum In The Middle Of The Desert, specifically the 30-second scene at 16:23. Jet recounts a Redbox encounter in which he almost drowned in quarters, and upon hearing Wave’s concerned rebuttals, he replies with a surprisingly sinister line. “Here, I’ll show you.” Cut to footage of Jet surrounded by money, laughing maniacally. This tells us two things. First, Jet laughs in the face of death, something not at all uncommon in the Sonic Dub Franchise. In fact, in the Sonic 06 dub, Sonic proclaims that he can never die. Second, Jet can project his memories directly into the minds of others. This is admittedly not as monumental a feat as defeating Ganon, but it shows a great level of control for someone as unrefined as Jet.

Jet’s next great accomplishment is in his control of the Chaos Emerald-powered Gamecube 2. This scene, taking place at 19:18, displays three rapid-fire uses of Jet’s untapped potential. In order, he turns up the graphics settings of the entire world around them, showing that he not only knows the limitations of his universe, but can manipulate the world around him at will. From here, he fires a laser into the distance, which is admittedly just his channeling of the Gamecube 2′s power; it’s the least notable of his three accomplishments in this scene, though that can only be said because it lacks a destructive impact. He then proceeds to dig up Pompeii solely with the power of his mind. Jet not only can locate Pompeii, which has allegedly been lost in this universe, but can raise it into a state of permanent levitation.

Only one more scene is notable from the Riders portion of the dub, and that is at 22:28. Jet fails to beat Sonic in a race, yet Sonic does nothing to physically stop him. What is it that tampers with Jet, sending him flying off his board? That’s right. The hand of God. Jet is only able to be physically stopped in this state by God himself. And that is with his powers not even fully explored. However, there is one flaw in this logic: Sonic himself. We need to stray briefly outside of the Fandub and draw upon local Sonic expert, Brian David Gilbert. He is quoted as saying that “... if a hedgehog could commune with the dead, be resurrected, run with infinite energy, and have his gospel prophesy the future, then either Sonic is a god, or could kill God, and I do not care if there is a difference!” Sonic lives in a universe of immense power, and while Jet’s feats are certainly not anything to be scoffed at, they pale in comparison to direct tampering with Sonic.

... that is, until the introduction of City Seventeen.

Up until now, all we’ve drawn upon is the original Sonic Riders, where Jet hasn’t taken five years apart from Sonic to live a toxicity-free lifestyle. This toxicity cleanse has clearly left him powered beyond belief, and while this power is not shown throughout the Zero Gravity dub as it was during the original Sonic Riders dub, one scene tells us all that we need to decipher the true scope of Jet’s power. That scene takes place at 56:21, and is the introduction of City Seventeen, The World Of Thematic Resolution. He feigns confusion, but this very city is a mindscape of his own creation, founded with the sole intent of imprisoning Sonic until he unlearns his toxic mannerisms. The very creation of City Seventeen is a feat entirely unforeseen within Sonic. Solely by his own means, Jet forces the gang to enter his own universe within the XBox of Friendship.

I know what you may be thinking right about now, too. That one man claimed to be the creator of City Seventeen, and thus the universe has nothing to do with Jet. However, consider the scope of great religions over the course of humanity. A true god never reveals himself directly to the universe as a whole; there is always a divine prophet. Abraham, Moses, Jesus, Muhammad. This human man is simply the prophet through which Jet shall tell his cautionary tale of toxic masculinity and Adam Sandler movies. Now that that’s been covered in full, let’s briefly cover a comparative display of Jet’s powers to that of his own friend Storm.

When confronted by City Seventeen, Storm is fully unable to cope with his surroundings, and loses control of his limbs, his eyes, and his mouth. Left completely motionless, he is left to beg for death from Hatsune Miku. Before you ask about her, she’s just a universal constant. Anyway, in comparison to Storm, how is Jet able to move around? Perfectly freely. Storm, a powerful stand user who nearly drowned Knuckles in his own lungs, was completely dwarfed by Jet the Hawk. And with good reason.

In conclusion, while the scope of Jet’s power is admittedly still unknown, he reigns far supreme over any deity whose power has been showcased in the Sonic Fandub Cinematic Universe. Sonic may be a god, but Jet operates on a level above theism. Jet has full and complete command of not only this universe, but infinite others, and the fact that we remain in somewhat peaceful times is a sign of Jet’s mercy. We can only thank Redbox and his busy schedule for not allowing him to watch Grown Ups 2. If he had fallen in line with Adam Sandler’s toxicity, the multiverse would be walking upon a tightrope.

[melanielocke]

Lost in the Shadows - Chapter 23

AO3

Taglist: @nott-the-best @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised

@alastair-appreciation-month

Previous Chapter: Chapter 22

Next Chapter: Chapter 24

Alastair was exhausted. By the time they made it back, it was seven in the evening even if they’d been in the land in between for much shorter. He was cold, still soaking wet, and he didn’t want to know what had been in the water that had flooded the dungeon. He imagined he and Cordelia both smelt terrible, but completely covered in it, Alastair could not smell it himself. It was frustrating, because Thomas and Lucie did not indicate anything about their scent, but Alastair suspected they did smell whatever had been in that water and were just too polite to mention it. Thomas didn’t touch him and kept a little more distance than he usually did.

All the way back to the Herondale’s manor, Cordelia and Alastair were arguing about who could use the bathroom first, until Lucie pointed out there was a second bathroom connected to the master bedroom.

‘Why do you both want to go second anyway?’ Thomas asked. ‘I’d imagine you’d argue about who gets to go first.’

‘Because I am cold and dirty and want to use the bathroom for at least an hour, and if I go first, Cordelia will start yelling at me to hurry up after about ten minutes,’ Alastair said.

Thomas tilted his head. ‘And if she goes first?’

‘Then I will yell at her to get out after ten minutes,’ Alastair said. ‘And since I am freezing I’d be completely justified.’

‘We both have very excessive bathroom rituals,’ Cordelia added. ‘Especially when we’re this dirty. But staying in there for an hour would be rude if someone else also needs to use the bathroom. So whoever goes second can yell and be completely justified, and then has all the time they need to get warm and clean. It’s a good thing there are two bathrooms and we can both go take a shower.’ .’

Two separate bathrooms sounded good. He remembered his childhood home had had that too, before his father had been forced to sell the family home when Alastair was around five. Jem had bought it back a couple of years ago, but Alastair found it difficult to imagine why one person needed a house that big. Although he guessed Jem had grown up there too and had lost his parents at a young age, so perhaps there were sentimental reasons.

Both the Herondales and the Lightwoods were at the manor. Will and Tessa were reading as usual, Sophie was tidying something up in the kitchen and Gideon was pacing back and forth until he noticed the four of them.

‘Finally, you’re back,’ Gideon said, concern written all over his face. ‘What happened?’

‘We got the skin,’ Cordelia said. ‘Grace is free. But the dungeon the skin was hidden in was completely flooded, so if you don’t mind I want to use the bathroom. Alastair and I both do, and Lucie mentioned there was a second bathroom.’

In the end Cordelia took the bathroom connected to Will and Tessa’s bedroom while Alastair took the one upstairs, glad to finally have some peace. He was exhausted as well as cold and dirty. There was a huge bathtub in there and Alastair turned on the water while getting in the shower to first rinse off the worst of the filth and to get warm again. He got out of the shower when he felt like he was semi clean and the bath tub was nearly full. Even if he’d been in the shower for some time and felt a lot cleaner than before, he was still so cold. He got in the bathtub. There was even a bubble bath function, exactly how rich was Lucie’s grandmother?

Perhaps he should ask Thomas to join him here sometime. He imagined that would be nice. Alastair allowed himself to relax. Although he was exhausted, he did feel a lot better than yesterday. At least with Grace freed, he felt like he’d accomplished something. Like he wasn’t useless and deserved to be liked again. That was something he often struggled with.

He sought out memories, but unlike other days he didn’t seek out the bad ones. Right now he wasn’t seeking to make sense of the past, nor was he interested in hurting himself. Instead, he let himself settle comfortably into a memory of Thomas confessing his feelings to him, of their first kiss. It wasn’t all bad, the memories.

When he was younger, they didn’t have a lot of movies at home, so sometimes they would rewatch movies Cordelia had seen at Lucie’s place instead. His mother had been a little concerned about that, usually children being too quiet was bad news but them sitting on the couch for over an hour in the same position was just weird.

Lucie had a tendency to talk through movies, so Alastair had come to associate certain scenes in the Little Mermaid or Aladdin with her commentary. Alastair had always loved Aladdin as a child. Although now he was far more critical of the strange way in which the movie mixed together Persian, Arabic and Indian culture and architecture, at the time Aladdin had been one of the few movies with a main character who looked like him.

He returned to reality after a while, finally warm again and decided to stay in bath for a little longer. Bubble baths really were nice, Alastair guessed if he had ever had enough money for one he’d buy a bubble bath. In the current economical climate he doubted he’d even be able to buy a home, but he could dream.

***

Thomas was busy in the kitchen with his mother. He liked to cook, and was quite good at it. From a young age he’d wanted to go into the kitchen and look at what his mother was doing there, or help out. Barbara was a decent cook but didn’t love it like he and his mother did, and Eugenia had been banned from using the kitchen, but Thomas had picked up cooking quite easily. Now, they were making a vegan shepherd’s pie, Thomas was cutting the onion, trying to cut the pieces as tiny as possible. Compared to his mother, he was less sensitive to onion and was therefore always giving that task while cooking together.

‘Were you surprised?’ he asked out of a sudden. ‘When you and dad found out I like boys?’

His mother threw away the potato peels. ‘Not really. I remember when you were fourteen and would come home from school. You could only talk about this older boy you’d met, about how beautiful his dark hair and eyes were.’

Thomas realized his mother had a point, that wasn’t exactly subtle. And he couldn’t talk about his feelings for Alastair with his friends, so instead he’d talked about him at home. ‘That boy was Alastair,’ he said.

‘Really?’ his mother asked. ‘Now that you mention it, that was his name, but we never met him.’

‘I think dad suggested I invite him over for dinner, but Alastair barely acknowledged me back then and I didn’t dare. Nor do he think he would have accepted.’

‘And while you were singing his praises, James and Matthew could only complain about him. So we figured there had to be a reason why you thought he was perfect when your friends thought he was awful. We weren’t sure it was a crush, or if there was some other reason, we figured it was best to let you figure that out on your own.’

Thomas hadn’t realized it was so obvious, but looking back it was a miracle anyone had missed it.

‘Thanks for that. I don’t think I was ready to talk about it at that age, even if I wasn’t exactly subtle. We do have a bit of a history. While I was in love with him, he was awful to us. I think I idealized him then, because he was beautiful and smart and appeared so confident, and I downplayed his rudeness. But he isn’t like that anymore, he grew up and changed and he apologized for his behavior at school.’

‘People change,’ his mother said. ‘I believe people deserve a second chance. Especially when someone was so young when they made mistakes.’

‘Exactly. And now I feel like I’m getting to know the real him. You and dad, you do like him right?’

‘Of course we do,’ Sophie said. ‘He’s been nothing but polite, although a bit blunt. Your father sees himself in Alastair, he thinks Alastair struggles with connecting to people because of his past, and wants to help.’

‘Alastair thinks you only like him for his ability and his willingness to save me,’ Thomas said. ‘I’m not sure why he thinks that, it seemed unlikely and he couldn’t really explain his line of thinking either.’

Sophie sat down at the kitchen table, cutting the carrots. ‘When you’ve been treated badly in the past, it can become difficult to accept kindness. At some point, you start to expect people aren’t sincere, they can’t be trusted, because that’s all they’ve known.

It was difficult for me, at first, to trust your father’s kindness because I knew people were not always genuine, because I’d been hurt before and I was scared it would happen again. Because I thought, with this scar, who could believe I’m beautiful?’

Before meeting his father, his mother had been in a relationship with a man who’d cut open her face when she’d broken up with him. He’d claimed that if he couldn’t have her, he’d make sure no one else would want her. The cut had left a scar across her cheek and her ex had eventually gone to prison.

Thomas didn’t know the details, but suspected her ex had been abusive before the break up already. People didn’t always realize how dangerous leaving could be for an abuse victim. His mother’s ex had turned to carving up her face with a knife. Benedict Lightwood had decided to sacrifice his wife when he realized she was leaving. He had to admire Alastair for being brave enough to leave his ex. Even if someone wasn’t physically violent it couldn’t be easy.

‘Do you think he distrusts your and dad’s kindness because of that?’ Thomas asked.

‘I think that’s likely,’ Sophie said. ‘I think he blames himself for what happened to him, and might not believe it’s possible for other people to genuinely care for him. Perhaps he thinks people have treated him badly because he’s a bad person, or perhaps he thinks that he’s too broken to be loved. Perhaps to him it is so unlikely that we care for him that it makes more sense that we are kind because we want something from him.’

Thomas figured it was something like that. But what did to mean for Alastair’s feelings for him? Did Alastair think he too would abandon him if things became too difficult? Or did he think Thomas would only stay with him as long as he could satisfy his needs, with no care for his own? Did he feel guilty about falling into that flashback last night when Thomas had touched him, like he was not good enough? Thomas wanted to make him understand that it wasn’t true, that he loved Alastair and wouldn’t abandon him, but he wasn’t sure how.

‘How do I convince him that’s not true?’ Thomas asked.

‘The only thing we can do is let him know we care,’ his mother said. ‘And be patient with him. Does he communicate his feelings to you?’

‘He tends to be honest and rather blunt with his feelings,’ Thomas said. ‘I like that about him.’

When Alastair wanted to be honest, he wasn’t one to dance around the message or his feelings. He was very straightforward and blunt in what he wanted to say, not much like what was common in Britain, to hide behind politeness. Thomas found it refreshing, to know that when Alastair said something nice he meant every word of it.

‘So make sure you communicate with him as well,’ his mother said. ‘I know you struggle with verbalizing your emotions, but you have to let him know how you feel or he might end up believing you don’t really care for him.’

Thomas nodded. His mother was right, he did struggle with telling people how he felt. Most of the time, it was because he was scared his feelings would inconvenience other people. He was determined not to do that to Alastair though, he knew his feelings for him weren’t inconvenient and they weren’t shameful. Nevertheless sometimes it was hard just to get the words past his lips. Perhaps that was why he’d waited so long to come out when he’d wanted to for some time. Ultimately, kissing Alastair when they would see was easier than telling them, but he knew he could not communicate with Alastair the same way, he’d have to tell him how he felt as well as show it.

‘Was it difficult for you, entering a new relationship after the last one had ended so badly?’ Thomas asked.

‘It took a while until I was ready,’ his mother said. ‘At first, I thought, who would want me now that I have this scar? I think Alastair might feel the same way, even if his scars aren’t literal like mine is. It took some time before I started believing Gideon when he said I was beautiful. That is a process, and all you can do is support him and be gentle with him while he works through that.’

‘Last night, something I did triggered a flashback,’ Thomas admitted. ‘I thought he was okay with it, I think he thought so too. Or maybe he was scared to refuse because of how his ex used to treat him. Something I did reminded him of his ex and he panicked.’

‘Did you communicate what you both wanted?’ his mother asked.

Thomas had to think. He’d asked, of course, and Alastair had said yes. But perhaps what they needed was a more in depth discussion of what they both liked and what Alastair was comfortable with.

‘Yes. He likes it when I ask for consent before kissing or touching him. I think he didn’t see it coming. That it would trigger a flashback, I mean. But I don’t want to hurt him, and I think maybe he feels like he isn’t a good partner if he’s not ready to have sex? I’m not sure exactly, but I think his ex was very demanding when it came to sex.’

‘It’s best to ask him,’ Sophie said. ‘You said he usually honest and blunt with his feelings, so I think if you ask him how he feels about sex, he’ll tell you. Those aren’t always easy conversations, but it’s the best way to make sure you don’t accidently hurt him. And I think when you accidently trigger something, it’s best to apologize and move on when he does. Lingering on it might make him feel worse.’

They finished the shepherd’s pie and put it in the oven. Thomas always struggled with preheating the oven at the right time, he didn’t want to leave it on for a long time while he wasn’t ready to put anything in it, but it was also annoying when everything was finished but he had to wait for the oven to get warm. It was another half an hour until it was done, which would give Alastair and Cordelia plenty of time to finish bathing. Thomas hadn’t wanted to say anything but they did smell awful after coming out of that dungeon soaking wet, and he could tell they were both chilled to the bone. He hoped neither of them would get sick.

Thomas sat down on the couch with his father and Lucie. ‘I’d been waiting for you,’ Lucie said. ‘I thought it would be better with you here.’

Gideon frowned. ‘What’s going on?’

‘This might be difficult to process,’ Lucie said. ‘While I was waiting in the land in between, I saw a ghost. Not like I usually see ghosts, she was only half there, transparent like in the movies. Until I asked her to show herself so Thomas could see her too. When I was back in our world, I could do the same thing. According to Grace, I stole a soul back from the thief of souls.’

‘You stole a soul?’ Gideon asked. ‘I’m not sure I’m following. Is she a ghost now?’

‘She’s right here,’ Lucie said. ‘A ghost, yes, but no longer trapped. She’s your mother.’

‘My… mother?’ His father seemed in shock, his voice a whisper. ‘You mean to say she’s here?’

‘She’s been trapped for a long time until I found here. She didn’t realize how much time had passed until we told her and she found out Thomas was your son. She wants to talk to you if that’s alright with you.’

Thomas found it difficult to imagine what his father must be feeling. Would he be happy for a chance to see his mother, or would it only tear open old wounds? He knew Lucie had done the right thing to set her free, and hoped she could find peace and way to move on from this world, but he wasn’t sure it was kind to his father. Not telling him was infinitely worse though.

‘Yes, of course. How does this work? Do you tell me what she’s saying?’

‘Actually, I can make her visible,’ Lucie said. ‘Barbara, show yourself.’

Barbara Lightwood appeared once more, standing in the middle of the living room. She looked a bit disoriented, glancing around before settling her gaze on his father.

‘Gideon. It has been so long,’ she said. ‘Last I remember you were still so small. I’m so sorry for leaving you.’

‘That wasn’t your fault,’ his father said, tears in his eyes.

Thomas wondered if he should leave, if this was a private conversation, but Lucie couldn’t leave since she had made Barbara visible. Perhaps he should stick around for emotional support?

His father had a long conversation with Barbara, telling him about his life, about Thomas’ sisters. Barbara started crying too when she realized Thomas’ oldest sister was named after her.

Thomas imagined Barbara had to be devastated to learn what Tatiana was up to and hoped she could find peace with it. He didn’t think Tatiana could be persuaded to stop by a mother she didn’t even remember. Gideon was the only one of her children who remembered his mother at all, although uncle Gabriel claimed to have a few very vague memories even if he could not recall her face and had no concept of who she had been.

Alastair entered the living room, his hair still damp but otherwise dry, wearing a clean dark green button up shirt with black jeans. Thomas went to him, he didn’t think they’d explained to Alastair what had happened or who Barbara was.

‘That’s the soul Lucie took back, isn’t it?’ Alastair asked.

‘Yes. Her name is Barbara, and she is my grandmother.’

‘Benedict’s wife? The one he sacrificed?’

‘Exactly. Somehow Lucie saw her and when she made her visible, she pulled her through to the world she was in, and now she’s here.’

Alastair looked concerned. ‘Do you think the thief of souls will try to take her back?’

‘I’m not sure. But if she moves on, we think she should be safe. How are you?’

‘Tired, but feeling a bit better. The bubble bath was nice, you should try it sometime.’

Thomas wondered if Alastair meant he should try it because it was nice or he wanted them to use the bubble bath together. He didn’t dare ask for clarification. He’d be far too embarrassed if it turned out Alastair had no desire to take a bath together. Just after he’d told himself he’d have a conversation with Alastair about sex and what he wanted.

‘Maybe I will,’ Thomas said, not sure what he meant he’d do. He wasn’t opposed to taking a bubble bath with Alastair, but wasn’t sure Alastair was ready for something so intimate. He’d ask later, he told himself. ‘You smell nice.’

All traces of whatever dirt he’d been in were gone. Instead, he smelt sharp and minty, but also sweet.

‘Just my shampoo. And I guess also the scrub, bath oil and body cream, but they all have the same scent.’

‘I like it,’ Thomas said. ‘Like eucalyptus, maybe?’

‘That’s in the products I use, yes,’ Alastair said. ‘Are you alright?’

Thomas guessed Alastair had read some worry on his face. ‘Well, I never knew my grandmother so it’s mostly confusing. I think it’s hard for my father though. He lost his mother when he was five, it’s been a very long time and seeing her again has to be painful.’

‘I can’t even imagine what that’s like,’ Alastair said. ‘But I’m happy for him that he gets the chance to talk to her even if it’s only once. He deserves that.’

‘They really do care for you, you know,’ Thomas said, returning to the kitchen with Alastair in tow to check on their shepherd pie.

‘Your parents?’ Alastair asked.

‘Yes.’

‘I don’t know,’ Alastair said, head bowed down, avoiding eye contact.

‘I just asked my mother, she likes you and you remind my dad of him when he was younger. They both care. I’m not sure why you have this idea that they don’t, but I thought you should know.’

‘I don’t know how to explain,’ Alastair said, still refusing to look him in the eye.

Thomas guessed eye contact might be difficult for him. Lucie was the opposite, staring into people’s eyes so much it became uncomfortable. She was a writer, after all, and how else was she to know Thomas’ hazel eyes had both hints of green and gold in there?

‘My mother thinks it’s because you were hurt so badly you find it difficult to believe people could love you. If you want, you could talk to her about it. I may not know what it’s like, but she does. Her ex hurt her too.’

‘Not everyone is as easy to love as you are, Tom,’ Alastair said with a sigh. ‘Now that you’ve seen the extent of my scars, how long until you realize that I’m just not worth the pain?’

His mother was right, Alastair did believe he could not be loved. He believed Thomas would grow tired of him? That it was painful and difficult to be with someone like him and it wasn’t worth it? How could Thomas make him see that he was wrong, that he was loved and that he deserved that?

‘You are worth it,’ Thomas said, running a finger through Alastair’s soft dark hair. ‘Having a mental illness doesn’t make you unworthy of love, it doesn’t make you too difficult.’

‘You realize that this might never go away, right?’ Alastair said finally looking up. Thomas realized with a shock there were tears in his eyes. ‘I still have hope for EMDR, but PTSD is a very difficult disorder to treat. Perhaps it will get better over time, but it might not.’

Thomas imagined that was a difficult idea for Alastair to cope with, knowing that he might never get better. He’d read a lot on PTSD in the past week, and it was true that it was difficult to treat, especially when caused by prolonged childhood abuse. But according to his admittedly limited internet research, even then people could learn to cope better, find better support. One metaphor he’d found interesting was how the symptoms were like waves of the ocean, Alastair might not be able to stop them but he could learn to surf.

‘And if it doesn’t go away, I’ll still want to be with you,’ Thomas said. ‘I’d still do the best I could to support you. My feelings for you are not conditional on you getting better, although I certainly hope you do. For your sake.’

‘It’s easy to say that now,’ Alastair said softly, once more refusing to look him in the eye.

‘I’ll prove it to you then,’ Thomas said. ‘I don’t care how long it takes until you believe me, but I’ll keep proving I care about you.’

‘Just how do I intend to do that?’ Alastair asked.

‘Well, I’m still figuring that out but it would involve lots of cuddling. And my mother thinks it’s important that I tell you how I really feel, so I’m going to do that too.’

Alastair’s expression changed, showing a small smile someone else might have missed. ‘I’d like that. When will you be next available for cuddling?’

‘Give me a moment, I need to check on the shepherd’s pie. You need to eat and I couldn’t feed you burnt food.’

Thomas checked the oven, everything looked fine and needed a little more time in the oven. He set the timer and returned his attention to Alastair.

‘I am available right now if you want. Another ten minutes until we can eat.’

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Killabustas (S2, E9)

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode are below. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:00 - Are the birds flying past Malcolm’s apartment supposed to be an omen for the rest of the season? Or just some foreshadowing for the bird-heavy episode? .....I’m probably reading wayyy too much into this.

0:12 - Ugh. Someone give this sweet cinnamon roll a hug. He’s spiralling. He is so close to having a total mental breakdown and it breaks my heart. (but like, I also want to see it because emotional whump is my favourite).

0:23 - “How can I trust you? I know what you did.” This. This is what’s killing Malcolm. The fear that if Gil, Dani, JT, and Edrisa find out what he did for Ainsley they won’t trust him. He’s afraid they’ll abandon him. He’s afraid that they’ll hate him as much as he already hates himself. ISTG the moment they all find out (or tell Malcolm what they suspect) Malcolm will break. That will be the metaphorical straw that breaks the camel’s back. 

0:34 - Anyone else think Malcolm looks completely adorable (yet super sad and scared) when he’s focusing on painting? <3

0:45 - “Why must everything you paint have an exit wound?” I love that this suggests that this isn’t the first mother-son painting session. <3 hahaha

0:47 - “It’s a pear.” It’s heartbreaking that Malcolm didn’t even realize that his pear was bleeding. C’mon Jessica, it’s time for an intervention. Malcolm is breaking in front of you. DO SOMETHING. 

1:01 - NO. DAMN IT FEDAK. I wanted to see Malcolm’s reaction when Jessica told him she was writing a memoir. I wanted to see it so badly. I wanted to see him panic about the fact that she was inevitably going to disclose information about his childhood that he’d rather not have public. 

1:09 - “How much worse you really are.” OOOOOOOOOOHHHH SHIT. I can’t believe he said that to his Mother’s face. hahahaha OMG. Malcolm is a little shit head and I love him. Well, at least I know he’s upset about the fact that she’s writing this book. His jab at Jessica proves that much.

1:42 - Is Malcolm playing matchmaker here? hahaha or is he just trying to get Jessica out of his loft ASAP?

1:53 - “Why didn’t they call me?!?” Can you hear the sound of my heart breaking? I understand why they didn’t call him in on this one BUT it’s not helping Malcolm’s mental health. On top of the fear that he is becoming his father, the stress of covering up a murder, the fear that his sister is going to become a serial killer, his childhood trauma, and usual mental health issues - Malcolm is afraid he’s going to be abandoned if the team finds out about Endicott. This is reinforcing those fears. 

1:55 - “Where should I start?” At least Jessica can see how much pain Malcolm is in. I wish she’d do something constructive about it.

2:00 - “Forget to call someone?” Something about the way Malcolm waltzes into the frame and delivers that line is super endearing. He’s like a little kid running after his older siblings and their friends when they tried to go to the mall without him. <3 

2:05 - Why the hell didn’t Gil just pull a 1x12 on Malcolm and insist Malcolm take a holiday? Hell - he could’ve gotten Jessica to enforce it. The fact that Gil is being super distant with Malcolm is not helping Malcolm’s very fragile mental health. GIL I’M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU (and I have been all season....) :(

 2:12 - “Trauma’s my middle name.” Okay so 1) what is Malcolm’s middle name? If it’s Martin please tell me he changed it when he changed his last name. 2) At least we got a small papa!Gil moment this episode. <3 

2:26 - “Fine.” This is Gil terrified. Remember what Gil said in 1x12? “He was losing it. I mean, I could see that. But I was afraid that I’d lose him.” That’s why Gil is letting Malcolm on this case. He knows Malcolm is losing it and he’s terrified of what Malcolm might do to himself with time on his hands. Gil doesn’t think Malcolm should be working but he knows it’s the only thing he can do to help Malcolm in the short term. 

2:42 - hahahaha Gil’s taken-aback look when Malcolm starts not-so-subtly being a member of the Gillica fan club. hahaha <3

3:00 - Okay. I’m done. Edrisa can’t still think she and Malcolm might happen. I can’t handle this blantant one-sided worship anymore and I’m so glad it’s ending this episode (I hope).

3:07 - “and also, you’re bleeding.” <3 JT looking out for Bright. <3 

3:12 - “Oh. I thought that this was your hobby?” <3 Dani teasing Bright. <3 I love that Dani, Edrisa, and JT are at least giving Malcolm some positive attention right now. It’s good for his fragile mental state. <3 

3:40 - The directing is really good this episode. I’m not usually a person who notices that kind of thing but DAMN. 

“It’s an expression of power and control.” “Sounds like someone with serious anger issues.” Yikes. Why do the ‘cases of the week’ always relate back to Malcolm’s current mental health crisis?!? Malcolm dismembered a body (for Ainsley but still). Now he’s profiling that the act of dismembering a body is an expression of power and control. That reinforces his fear that he’s becoming like Martin. Dani’s distaste and offhanded comment about anger issues won’t help Malcolm’s very real fear of abandonment. Hell, it’s compounding his fears that he’s like his father - the man obsessed with power and control who has a nasty temper when things don’t go his way. 

4:09 - “Our killer derived pleasure from this.” Dani looks terrified when Malcolm says this. Is it just because she thinks this is a gross and scary murder scene? Or is it because she’s connecting the Malcolm+Endicott dots?

4:11 - “budding homicidal psychopath” is this supposed to be foreshadowing that Malcolm is becoming a psychopath? The writers have been suggesting that Malcolm enjoyed cutting up the body all season. .....and I don’t want the story to go that way. Please no.

4:15 - “I think I just became a vegetarian.” hahahaha JT is my hero. I love this dude and his dry but humorous comments.

4:26 - Once again - I can’t rewatch the Martin+Capshaw scenes. Once was more than enough. My basic thoughts on this particular scene? Capshaw and Martin are both gross. I think Martin is desperate for physical contact and Capshaw knows it. I think Capshaw is manipulating Martin (why is a mystery to me). I also think Martin is manipulating Capshaw so he can use her to help him escape.....I do however think Martin is a heterosexual male who is full of lust and physical desires. (which is really gross to me - a sex-repulsed asexual).

 6:22 - I have a serious love-hate relationship with this scene. On one hand, Gil is clearly so so so concerned about Malcolm here and it warms my cold dead heart. On the other hand, the fact that he sends Dani to talk to Malcolm instead of just talking to Malcolm himself kind of pisses me off. Gil’s been really distant with Malcolm all season and it’s killing me. BUT I also kind of understand why Gil is passing off Malcolm to Dani (I don’t agree with it but I digress). All season the writers have been pushing the Brightwell relationship. We’ve seen a lot of really good meaningful conversations between Dani and Malcolm. At this point in time, it appears that Malcolm is willing to open up to Dani more than anyone else. Think about it. Even in season 1 - Malcolm never really opened up to Gil about his mental health. Gil knows that Malcolm won’t talk about his mental health with him - so he’s sending in the expert (Dani). I’m not happy about this but I kind of get it. 

6:39 - OMG. Malcolm excitedly sliding into the room is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. <3

6:44 - “What are you guys talking about?” “You.” Exhibit A. If Malcolm had just responded with “what? why?” or Gil had followed up his statement with “we’re worried about you” we could’ve had a meaningful conversation about Malcolm’s mental health. Right. Here. BUT Malcolm knows why they’re talking about him. Malcolm is deflecting. He doesn’t want to talk about this with Gil. So he rolls his eyes and walks away. Gil shouldn’t have let Malcolm off the hook so easily. :( 

7:36 - “There’s a special place in hell for people who hurt birds.” Ugh. I just want to hug this little cinnamon roll. <3 

7:55 - “Where’d this murder board come from?”  hahahaha I love how JT’s constant mood is “I work with crazy people”. 

8:07 - “You’re a web sleuth.” I love that JT somehow manages to get across that he thinks Edrisa is a complete weirdo but he respects the hell out of her. Also - the fact that JT teases the people he loves is so cute to me. 

8:31 - “Ouf.” This was funny but it also felt a little ooc? Like wouldn’t Gil just cross his arms and say “Edrisa” as a gentle but stern warning? 

8:53 - Does Edrisa have no filter or do people really think about sex this often? As an asexual, I’m genuinely asking.

8:55 - I love how uncomfortable Gil and JT get every time Edrisa starts talking about sex and/or reproductive anatomy. hahaha

9:37 - Did Martin ever kill animals? As a teenager maybe? 

9:47 - “They have all the control over this cages, seemingly inferior creature.” ....is this supposed to be a subtle reference to the Martin/Capshaw thing? Capshaw being the killer and Martin being the inferior animal she’s controlling? 

10:15 - Nope. I’m out. Can’t do it. So gross. 

11:00 - “It’s super gross.” Malcolm is all of us. 

11:08 - Soooo is Martin fantasizing about killing Capshaw after they do sexy things (hopefully consensual ones)?

11:52 - “Oh I’m already crazy.” This is somehow adorable and completely heart shattering. Malcolm is hiding his pain behind humour but he genuinely believes that he’s crazy. :( 

12:00 - Is this the only conversation Malcolm and Edrisa have ever had without Edrisa hero-worshiping Malcolm?......I like it?!?! These two are total weirdos and should definitely be besties.

13:14 - Damn. Edrisa is shining in this episode. <3 <3 

13:33 - “No. You won’t” hahaha JT being the team big brother is so cute. 

13:46 - “You coming?” Malcolm is so soft here. <3 <3 

14:00 - I love everything about this scene. I love how Dani opens up to Bright - even though it’s clearly still painful for her to talk about. I love how attentive and caring Malcolm is. I love how in character they both are. Malcolm is trying to deflect his problems. I love how Malcolm is 100% aware that Dani doesn’t believe his “I’m fine” bs. Dani is trying to get him to open up by sharing some of her own demons with him. Dani looks upset and worried that Malcolm won’t open up - but not surprised. 

15:00 - “I pulled a Bright.” hahahaha OMG. I love that Dani and Malcolm don’t question this expression at all. It suggests that the team has used the phrase “pulling a Bright” before and I am here for it. 

15:27 - This is what I call ‘passively suicidal’. Yes, Malcolm jumps in front of that car because he thinks it will help him solve the case. Yes, it’s technically an action motivated by the will to live. HOWEVER, he doesn’t move out of the way when Dani tells him to. That car is driving slowly. He doesn’t move. Because he’s in a mental state where he doesn’t care if he lives or dies. He has moments when he cares about life (like solving a case) but those just aren’t enough anymore. Yes, he looks a little alarmed when the car approaches him - but I honestly doubt Malcolm is frozen in fear. 

15:56 - “You had the right of way. He can’t sue.” Holy shit. First of all - I immediately think Ashton is a douche. Secondly - is this how America works?!?! In Canada we teach our drivers that the ‘pedestrian always has the right of way’.

16:11 - “My super close friends from online.” Honestly - I feel called out. This is how I must sound when mention my internet friends to my family.

16:25 - Sooooo we’re all in agreement right? The fact that Malcolm has hit the left side of his head without medical treatment this many times = 1) mental breakdown sometime before the end of the season or 2) a way to get him out of taking the fall for Endicott.

16:38 - *sigh* can someone please hug this man!?!? He just can’t catch a break. This whole conversation between Malcolm and hallucination!Martin is heartbreaking. It shows that on some level even Malcolm knows he’s going to break soon because his mental health is in tatters. 

17:23 - “She’s not like the others.” Who are the ‘others’? Are these the other people that Malcolm’s had a romantic interest in? Are ‘others’ friends from Malcolm’s past? Or are the others Gil, Edrisa, and JT?  

17:34 - Ugh. Floppy haired. Bruised. Sad. My whump heart is so full. 

17:56 - Does Malcolm not go on the internet? He didn’t know what a sock puppet is? (granted, I’m 24 and I didn’t know either).

18:04 - The firefighter’s name is BLAZE (Blaise)?!? Are you kidding me?

18:24 - “No. No, it isn’t.” Damn. JT is worried about Malcolm. Just look at him. 

18:51 - Do I think it’s weird that this dude is so openly flirting with Edrisa in the middle of a police questioning?!? HELL YES. Do I think it’s weird that Edrisa’s allowed in the questioning??!!? HELL YES. Am I glad they’re giving Edrisa a love interest who isn’t Malcolm? OH HELL YES. ....also Edrisa and Blaze are kind of cute? Like they’re both weirdos and they’re both into each other so ...?!!?

19:47 - Wow. This whole “Killabustas police interrogation” scene is painfully hard to rewatch. Like - the dialogue makes absolutely no logical sense but it had to be there for the plot? Everything is just too convenient. The pamphlets. The fact that these members were all so quick to meet IRL. The fact that these dudes were able to track Alex down so quickly....I mean....who is buying this nonsense?!?!

20:05 - Ugh my asexual ass can’t handle the amount of horny people in this episode. 

20:18 - Anyone else think it’s strange that Gil referred to Malcolm as “Bright” to Jessica?!? I mean, Jessica is Malcolm’s mother. PLUS it feels like Gil is trying to emotionally distance himself from Malcolm?!? 

20:24 - “Remind me to take Malcolm out of my will.” hahahahaha OMG. I love Jessica so much.

20:44 - These Jessica/Gil scenes were a highlight of the episode for me. They’re just so cute. I love how supportive Gil is. I love how Jessica isn’t repressing her feelings with booze during this episode. I love how open about her insecurities Jessica is with Gil. I love how happy they both look. <3 <3 <3 <3 

21:24 - “Some still do.” YES!!!! YES!!!! Keep flirting Gil!!! Don’t give up on her!!! <3 <3 

21:45 - Holy shit. How much does Edrisa get paid?!?! This is a rich person apartment. I’m shook. 

23:05 - Again. I must fast forward through the nasty romantic manipulation that is the Capshaw+Martin scene. The sexual tension made me nauseous the first time. But I WILL say that I think the black guard in this scene - Mr. Benjamin will be the dude Martin maims next episode (from the previews) - not Mr. David. Either that or the black patient in the room. 

25:25 - “Watch out. I bite.” ........I have no words. My asexual ass is shocked, disgusted, and .....kind of proud of Edrisa for going after what she wants (even if she’s super crass about it). 

26:03 - “That’s a seriously twisted mind.” “Sure. The kind I get.” This whole scene is heartbreaking. I honestly can’t tell if Malcolm is projecting himself, Ainsley, or both of them onto the suspect. “He killed for attention” - sounds like Ainsley to me. “Alex was going to out him to the group” ......HOLY SHIT. Does this mean Ainsley’s going to try and kill Malcolm and/or Jessica because she think’s they’ll rat her out?!?!?! “It’s about preserving the group. The Vulture needs them.” - That sounds like Malcolm to me. Malcolm doesn’t want to tell the team about Ainsley because he needs them and he’s scared they’ll abandon him if they find out about Ainsley. 

27:10 - I’m getting secondhand embarrassment from the west coast of Canada.

27:21 - “Our killer would never order take out.” Weak, Malcolm. Weak excuse. 

27:40 - annnnnndd this scene was a hard skip for me. I can’t watch Martin and Capshaw prepare to do sexy things. Nope. ALTHOUGH, I will say: Capshaw’s story about how she ended up in Claremont is interesting. Whether it’s true or not is debatable but it definitely shows that Capshaw is manipulative and creepy like Martin. I have a very strong feeling that Capshaw is a psychopath, serial killer, or sociopath. 

31:00 - Edrisa checking out Malcolm’s loft is everything I dreamed it would be. The fact that she’s clearly in awe of his weapons collection. The fact that she has no regard for his privacy and just starts going through his fridge and sleeping area. The fact that she so openly comments and judges the stuff in his loft (ie. restraints on the bed, lack of food in the fridge). It’s perfect. 

31:27 - “This is the fridge of a very sad person.” LMAO. I love this line so so so much. I love how Edrisa seems to be realizing for the first time just how broken Malcolm is. I love how sheepish Malcolm looks when she unintentionally calls him out. I love how amused Dani is by the whole situation. <3 <3 

32:00 - annnndddd the Killabustas have taken over Malcolm’s loft. They don’t ask for permission to set up his TV. They don’t awkwardly hang out near the door until Malcolm invites them to ‘make themselves at home’ or any of the other common pleasantries us North Americans go through when we visit the homes of acquaintances. They walk right in and claim ownership. It’s kind of beautiful? 

32:13 -......so did they already have Malcolm’s wifi password or am I expected to believe that they either a) have a mobile hotspot, b) are using data, c) web-sleuthed their way into hacking his wifi, or d) Malcolm had his wifi password written down somewhere super obvious inside the house?!?! This is honestly the most unrealistic thing about this episode. It’s 2021. The first time you visit a friend’s house you ask for their wifi password. It’s what you do. 

33:28 - Ok. I like the kiss on the cheek. Very respectful. She clearly would’ve been down for more but he’s a gentleman and I respect the hell out of it. 

33:48 - “I’m sorry Blaze is so jacked.” hahaha OMG Edrisa - Malcolm’s not romantically interested in you. He never has been. Read the room woman!

36:11 - Ashton is Malcolm in this scene. “I’ve been a freak my whole life. I had nothing until that bird video. Suddenly, I was a part of something.” == “I’ve been a freak my whole life. I had nothing until I joined the team. Suddenly, I was a part of something.”

36:38 - “Ashton, it won’t work. Family will only go so far. Because once they know the truth - who they’re really after - they’ll give up on you. And no more family.” Ouch. This hurts. Malcolm genuinely believes that Gil, Dani, JT, and Edrisa are going to abandon him the second they find out what he did for Ainsley. Malcolm thinks they’re going to hate him. Malcolm thinks they’re going to think he’s like Martin - a criminal. A killer. Look at how broken Malcolm looks and sounds here. It’s not just that Malcolm thinks he’s going to be abandoned. It’s that he thinks he deserves to be abandoned. He thinks he’s a monster. 

 37:02 - EDRISA!!! DAMN. I love this badass. <3 <3 So proud of the girl who literally had a panic attack in 1x15 when she had to save a that ‘almost-victim’ by injecting alcohol into him. 

38:05 - My heart is so full. This is honestly one of my top 10 moments of Prodigal Son to date. I love that we see Gil’s new car. I love that he’s working on his car in a police mechanic shop. I love this little glimpse into Gil’s personal life  - the man who likes fixing up old cars with a cold beer while listening to 80s music in an boombox from the 80s. <3 I love the absolute adorableness that is Jessica and Gil awkwardly flirting. 

I love that Jessica - the rich socialite - holds Gil’s wrench without question. Even though she looks a little confused. I love that Jessica comes to Gil this time. He’s been instigating the flirting most of this season. It looks like Jessica’s finally ready to be an equal partner in the relationship.

I love that Jessica - the rich socialite - takes a drink of Gil’s working-class beer with a smile. His social class isn’t beneath her. She doesn’t care about how rich he is - just about the purity of his intentions and the depth of his devotion to her family. 

39:00 - “Oh I remember her. How fiercely she protected her kids.” I LOVE THIS. I love that Gil is attracted to Jessica’s devotion as a mother. I love that the fact that she had children with another man (a serial killer) doesn’t bother him. He loves how fierce, independent, and strong she is and that’s absolutely gorgeous. 

I love who wholesome their romantic moment is. Unlike Edrisa and Martin’s live scenes - it’s not fast, heavy, and physical. It’s slow, gentle, and emotional. Gil and Jessica dance like an old married couple when the song they danced to at their wedding comes on the radio. 

I love the setting of the scene. How they’re dancing in a dirty mechanic’s shop. Jessica is dressed like the rich woman she is and Gil is wearing a plaid shirt rolled up to his elbows. The contrast is striking and beautiful. I love that Jessica isn’t trying to make Gil fit into her social status. She’s not dragging him to rich people galas and forcing him to dress or act like someone he’s not (although he would so do that for her). She’s hanging out with Gil on his turf and she’s delighted about it. <3 

 40:08 - “Do you think you can ever really know someone?” Isn’t this what Malcolm said to Gil in 1x17 as the whole Endicott thing was boiling? You know - a few episodes before the team arrests Malcolm in his loft when he’s in the middle of a mental crisis?!? Is this foreshadowing for the next mental health breakdown?!? (Hopefully a fully mental health breakdown this time?!?!)

40:18 - “Masquarading as someone he wasn’t” Yikes. Malcolm truly believes he’s lying to the team just because he’s not acting like a monster. Malcolm has truly convinced himself that he is his father’s son. 

40:45 - I don’t even care how you feel about Brightwell. The fact that Dani is the only person this whole season who has told Malcolm that he’s not a monster makes her the greatest friend he could ever ask for. 

40:51 - “Ever since Nicholas died.” ....well Dani isn’t a moron so if she didn’t connect the dots before she will now. If we don’t get an intervention next episode I’m going to throw hands. 

40:57 - Why. Does. Martin. Have. To. Ruin. Every. Chance. Malcolm. Gets. To. Begin. To. Heal?!?!

41:16 - “ooooohhhh here comes the kiss” .....honestly though. Martin is every Brightwell shipper.

41:20 - I respect the hell out of Malcolm for shutting Dani down like this. Yes - he absolutely should’ve come clean with her. HOWEVER, he clearly isn’t ready to share this burden and the fact that he shut down the progress of any romantic relationship is really good. Because Dani would be SO MAD if they started dating while he was actively lying to her. It would be the end of their friendship. Forget your Brightwell ship - they wouldn’t even be friends. 

41:40 - “Why are you ruining this!?” Dani had to have heard this. Even if she didn’t....Malcolm was pretty obviously glancing over her shoulder at hallucination!Martin before she left. There’s no way Dani - a detective - won’t be able to figure out that Malcolm is hallucinating. I WANT A MENTAL HEALTH INTERVENTION. NEXT EPISODE. I’M MANIFESTING IT INTO EXISTANCE. EVEN THOUGH I DON’T TRUST FEDAK TO GIVE IT TO ME. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO HUG MALCOLM. 

42:06 - Honestly thought Capshaw was going to beat the crap out of Friar Pete here. This woman is unstable. Mark my words. She’s going to kill someone (if she hasn’t already). 

I know I kind of shat on this episode a bit but I honestly really liked it? I loved the character development it gave us. Even if the plot was pretty subpar. 

Thanks for hanging out. See you next week. <3 :)