#sadness over a comparatively minor thing but I needed to vent

[faislittlewhiteraven]

Sad things that are technically very minor in the scheme of things but nontheless ruin your day all the same.

I spent the last eight hours typing away at a big long post about my blorbo whom I very rarely have the energy or guts to gush about.

I love my blorbo and very much wanted to maybe, just maybe, write something that might cause people who have not thought as obsessively as I have about this character to maybe appreciate their struggles, realize where they might have been unfair to this character and others like them in the past and maybe, in a teeny tiny way help people writing fanfic about my blorbo to actually write them as a character rather than a (cute) set piece that happens to be in their blorbos' lives.

I was under no illusion that my blorbo would become theirs. In all honesty I didn't expect more than like two people to ever actually read it and good odds those two people would still disregard it completely because there are very legit reasons for people to find my blorbo obnoxious or annoying.

BUT STILL.

That doesn't mean I expected some program (that's apparently reset its automated schedule to mid afternoon instead of the 4am I had it) to close all my internet pages as I was still writing them!

So yeah. I'm just gonna go mope and look at silly memes for a while until I can stop feeling grief over losing my character gushing and I hope anyone potentially reading this is having a much better day.

[spiderton]

not a question but a demand tell me your spiderton headcanons i need to know what you see in him /pos

hes uhhh sexy and desirable and very cute and kissable. anway jokes aside i have A lot i feel and its very "this probably came out of nowhere" depending on what you feel. and i have rambled before but i cant find the post containing my hcs so here i go once again...

-spidertons beginning wasnt. The best. compared to beetleton or gong who came from noble families he was on the lower middle class and (pretty unusual for spider zigotons) was an only child. he also was raised only by his mom and didnt really knew any of his cousins or uncles, so he was isolated.

-spiderton i feel is also a trans man thats a very projecty hc but i feel he still uses his birth name. like i have a deadname but i feel spiderton keeps his name (like kumoton. btw) because he didnt bother to change it

-he had grew up to be an engineer and possible architect but before being important he worked on cannons and other machinery. he was working towards at least being a higher up engineer when he was an adult but when the patapons seemed to be growing stronger, spiderton was now a general.

-spiderton became a general not out of talent but out of desperation, and despite still being on the technical side (such as planning strategies with gong) he was much more weaker and less known, and spiderton pretty much felt small for his entire life that such a role like this, despite being looked off, gave him pride.

-his relationship with beetleton is strange but yeah i see it as romantic (sorry...) the two had fought at first over minor things but eventually began to tolerate one another and bond. spiderton had seen beetleton as reckless and constantly scolded him about it, with beetleton actually listening in the end; the two found each other venting to one another about minor stuff before eventually becoming close enough that theyd share their duties. theres probably gay sex rumors abut them during that time who knows

-spiderton calls himself a dark warrior because he ended up growing close to goruru and beetletons cockiness grew on him. he also ended up being a kibaton because he was forced to ride a horse at moments (and he ended up liking horses a lot more than he should)

-spidertons life when he dies can go like. two ways. he survives or he becomes a demon..

-him surviving kinda ruins all the pride he had and he enters an awful emotional rut (and looses a leg). doesnt help that he feels betrayed by beetleton (and never really got to say goodbye), and feels sour at how gong was missed but hardly any celebrations when he was back alive. when gong returns he finds that spiderton wants nothing to do with him and works solely as an architect before moving off to the karmen continent. i see this as like the canon route to my aus and such but he does become better mentally

-if he becomes a demon (now kumotan), despite still being a cocky cunt he finds himself confused and left out. he literally leaves but instead of alive zigotons its akumatans and doesnt return out of feeling like he was a tool for everyone. his relationship with kuwagattan is, ehm, strained from them being alive, but i feel at some point kumotan tries to reunite with him out of guilt. probably also still has a missing leg

i will say not headcanons or anything but outside of. like my actual attraction to a square i find myself liking spiderton a lot for feeling.. unneeded? compared to huk or any other character spiderton seemed like he was.important and was tossed away from the story to focus on others.. i have like. a lot of issues with me feeling like id be replaced by my own friends or them secretly hating my guts.. its ehm. yeah

less sad reasons is that hes a cute bug zigoton, his horse wnd tank are cute, and spiderton is just so tttithtntntntntnnnbbbrbrbrbbbrrbbrbrbbbrbrbbbrrhhrbrbrb

[josephines-simps-fics]

How It feels to be replaced - part 2

Pt. 1

Pairing: Tony Stark x Daughter! Avenger! Reader, Bucky x Fem! Stark! Avenger! Reader, Avengers x Fem! Stark! Avenger! Reader

Summary: Weeks after the argument, Pepper thinks you should and Tony should see a family therapist

Warnings: very minor swearing, angst, family therapy, crying, daddy issues.

I do not consent my work being stolen or posted elsewhere. Please reblog if you enjoyed the story!

Divider by: @firefly-graphics

It had been weeks since your argument with Tony. Ever since then, you've been ignoring him and he's been ignoring you. You guy's don't talk unless forced too.

When the two of you were in the room, the whole vibe would become awkward. Pepper would get try to get you to Tony, but you wouldn't do it.

"I think you and your dad should see a family therapist" Pepper purposed.

"No way am I sitting in a room with a stranger and Tony for an hour" you complained.

You didn't care what your mom told you, there was no way you were going to sit with Tony for an hour.

"Please, Y/N. Do it for me, your mom" Pepper begged. And so you agreed.

"This is BS, Wanda" you began your rant. You loved venting to Wanda, she was your bestfriend.

"I can't believe that I need to sit in a room with the worst person I've ever met." You vented as you paced back and forth across the room.

"Why did you agree to therapy, if you didn't wanna go?" Wanda asked, hugging the stuffed animal on your bed.

"Because, I knew that my mom would never be happy again if me and Tony kept arguing" you explained. "My mom looked heart broken when I said no the first time."

"Behave and I'll pick you up when the session is over" Bucky said.

You didn't wanna ride with Tony, so Bucky volunteered to give you a ride. Even after your argument, Tony didn't get the hint that he was a bad father. Bucky was the closest thing you had to a father now.

"Okay, bye Buck" you exited the car and entered the building. You knew it was a mistake agreeing to Pepper's offer, but you didn't wanna make her anymore sad then she already was.

The session was already halfway over, and not one of you said a word. "Can one of you tell me why you're here today?" Dr. Johnson asked, breaking the awkward silence.

"My dad replaced me" you said, which made Tony look at you, as If he were the bad guy, because he was.

"That isn't true, all I did was start spending more time with Peter" he said. Dr. Johnson started scribbling in her notepad.

"You started replacing me with Peter, Tony! You didn't pay attention to me, and you started choosing Peter over me" you argued. You felt your face turning red everytime Tony spoke.

"What do you mean by 'replacing', Y/N?" Johnson asked you.

"He hired his new intern, who is only one year older than me." You started your story, "and now Tony only spends time with him" you continued.

Johnson started scribbling in her notepad again.

"He started giving all of my jobs to Peter and started comparing us," you felt tears form in your eyes.

"I never did that, I only gave him the things you couldn't handle" Tony intervened in the story.

"I've been doing this job longer than Peter, what can't I handle!?" You yell at him.

"You have ten minutes left" Johnson interrupted.

A tear fell from your eyes, you just wanted to leave.

"Just end the session, please." You spoke as you walked out of the room.

You got home a few hours after Tony, because Bucky took you to Yogurt Land for at least talking to Tony.

There was a meeting called by Tony, so you had sit in the conference room and listen to whatever announcement he had.

"Peter will be moving into the compound with us" Tony announced.

"I'm sorry, so we just come back from therapy, where I complained about you replacing me with him. And your solution to that problem, was to move him in." You complained.

It was upsetting to you, having the kid that replaced you, live in the same building as you.

"Well maybe he wouldn't be moving in, if you wouldn't treat Bucky like your dad" Tony argued with you.

"Bucky is the only father figure I have in my life, because you wouldn't spend time with me. What did you expect me to do?" You defended yourself.

"Maybe not chose a murderer over the person who gave you life!" Tony shouted at you.

The room went silent. Everyone was disgusted by Tony's choice of words. Everyone in the room knew that Bucky wasn't in control of what he was doing as the winter soldier.

"Bucky is anything, but a murderer and you know that" you yelled back. You slowly walked up to Tony and whispered in his ear, "this is why I don't fucking like you."

You walked out of the meeting and ran to your room. You couldn't take this anymore, you couldn't take living in this building anymore.

You grabbed one of your luggages and stuffed a crap load of your clothes, not wasting one more minute of time.

"Y/N, what are you doing here?" Clint asked, shocked to see you on the front porch of his safe house.

"I took a bus, I thought I would visit" you walked into his house.

"Do your parents know you're here, Y/N? You can't just show up without your parents knowing" Clint said.

"No, we had a slight disagreement" you walked around and eventually made your way to the living room.

"Why don't you go sit at the table and tell me what happened, while I make you a sandwich" Clint said.

You both walked over to the kitchen and you sat down. "Tony replaced me" you spoke.

Clint sat in the chair next to you, putting a sandwich down in the space right in front of you.

"Tony, would never replace you." Clint told you "and even of he did, he would never stop loving you."

"Then why did he stop choosing me to go on missions? Why does Peter always end up taking my place at work?" You took a bite if your sandwich.

"Your dad maybe replacing you, but that doesn't mean that you don't have a whole other family that doesn't love you." Clint's wise words made you smile.

He was right, even if Tony did stop loving you, you still had a family that loved you.

After you ate your sandwich, you hanged out with Clint while you waited for Tony to pick you up.

You and Clint sat in the living room and watched a movie, before you were interrupted by a knock on the front door.

Bucky, Tony, Pepper, and Wanda entered the room.

"Bucky!" You ran to Bucky and gave him a hug.

"Y/N, never do that again. You scared the shit out of me" Bucky held you tight in his arms.

When Bucky released you from his arms, you were met by Tony. He looked angry and upset at you.

"Y/N, you're grounded for two weeks, and no missions for a month" Tony said to you.

"Okay" you spoke, sadly, looking at the floor.

"Tony, could we have a word in the kitchen" Clint walked Tony to the kitchen.

"What is this about, was Y/N misbehaving?" Tony questioned.

"No, Y/N was a very good. The problem is the way you treat her" Clint told him. "You don't treat her like you would treat Peter."

"Why does everyone always bring Peter into this? He did nothing to Y/N" Tony yelled.

"You choose Peter over Y/N anytime of the week. You treat your child like a nobody" Clint yelled back, defending you.

"Well maybe if Y/N was good enough to be my daughter, then I would treat her better." Tony's words shocked Clint. He was disgusted at what Tony had just said.

"You gonna go over there and apologize to Y/N, and you aren't leaving until you do" Clint said.

The two men walked out of the kitchen and into the living room, where you we're still watching TV.

"Y/N" Tony looked at you. "I wanna apologize for how I've been treating you, it wasn't very mature of me. I still love you. You aren't grounded anymore, and I promise you'll start to go on more missions" Tony apologized.

"Dad..." Tony's face lit up at the name that you hadn't called him in a while.

"It's gonna take me a while to fully for give you, but I do, I forgive you" you forgave him.

You walked over and gave Tony a hug.

"I will do anything, and give you anything, just so I could get you to forgive me" Tony said.

"I want you to apologize to Bucky for calling him a murderer, and I want you to tell me that I was right. I also want to twenty-dollar allowance" you answered him.

Tony walked over to Bucky.

"Bucky, I want to apologize for calling you a murderer. I only said that so I would hurt Y/N's feelings. I hope that you could forgive me." Tony apologized to Bucky.

And thought you didn't fully forgive your dad, you did think that it would be nice to rekindle your relationship with him.

You all walk out of Clint's house, and out to the car. Knowing that Tony was making an effort to reach your forgiveness, warmed your heart.

[my-writings-and-musings]

Hey, if you're still doing those angsty oxygen scenarios, could you do one with Rumble? I know he's not a lost light bot but it would mean a lot to me

He means a lot to me too, anon. Plus as I see it, being a Lost Light bot is a state of mind.

Here's all my previous posts with this popular prompt!

Part One: Here!

Part Two: Here!

Part Three: Here!

Part Four: Here!

Part Five: Here!

Part Six: Here!

Part Seven: You are Here!

Part Eight! Here!

Part Nine: Here!

Part Ten: Here!

Part Eleven: Here!

Part Twelve: Here!

Rumble

·The story of how you both ended up on the Lost Light is a long and rather ridiculous one, but thankfully you're both quite happy now with the way things have turned out. Hanging out and playing video games is one of the more calm and non-destructive things you two do around the ship, and it's an activity he adores having someone to share with, as not too many bots share the hobby. Being absolutely tiny by Cybertronian standards but huge compared to you, he typically encourages you to sit on his lap while you game together, something he claims is only done to ensure you both can see. Being a good sport, you agree so he can keep protecting his reputation as a tough bot who never cuddles anyone, and also because you know he's secretly in need of said cuddles despite his claims otherwise. You're well in to a rather relaxed gaming session when an emergency communication pings both of you.

·Quite open about how annoyed he is, the feeling only grows when the line is barely audible, static blurring all but every other word of what sounds like a rather urgent message. Though he does try to ask for a repeat of what's said, when the feed simply dies he's quite tempted to just ignore it and keep playing games. Admittedly that sounds good to you too, but being on a gigantic alien vessel makes you far less comfortable at the prospect of things being uncertain, as what's minor to the bots can be quite dangerous for you. Initially your gentle insistence on seeing what might be going on only gets an exaggerated groan regarding how it's probably nothing and that the two of you are having fun so who cares? The pouting is something you're rather accustomed to, so you follow a strategy of gentle pushing to get him moving, which results in him growing ever more dramatic until he's lying back on his second hand couch as if getting up would be physically painful.

·A gentle kiss on his nose finally melts away his immature resistance, but only after he blushes like a lamppost and huffs to try and pretend he's not doing it because you've convinced him or anything. With one last sorrowful look at his console, he hefts you into his shoulder and moves out, not willing to wait on your tiny human legs. Though he's obviously grumpy there's still care and consideration in how he walks with you, as he's never going to risk dropping your squishy human self if he can help it.

·Repeated attempts to comm anyone for some information turn up nothing but static, and that leaves both of you quite confused, with the minibot commenting on how odd it is that no one is answering. Being near the living quarters at this time of day means there's no one around to ask, so he hurries along whilst looking for a signal, reasoning that the two of you should head to the bridge or somewhere equally important to look for answers. Knowing he has way more experience in this than you do, you happily let him take the lead, smiling softly at how your agreement makes him puff up with pride. Being a mini has made him rather unaccustomed to any kind of leadership, so even the simplest praise or deference always means the world to him.

·His ego boost is quite rudely interrupted by a sudden tremor through the ship, though he's hardly knocked off balance for long due to his unique skills. Keeping his footing solid and you secure on his shoulders, he immediately asks if you're okay once the floor steadies beneath him, knowing that it was just a little shake but worried nonetheless. You assure him that you're fine, which convinces him to hold you a little less tightly. Looking up into his visor, you're concerned to see his usual calm replaced with a much more serious expression. It's one you know to only expect when things are about to get bad. As he starts walking again, he explains that, as an expert on seismic things, he knows that the ship has just been snagged. Having an internal sensory system specifically designed to detect these things also makes him certain of the exact size of the enemy and where it hit; and what he detected isn't good.

·Despite being less than half his height, Rumble is your immediate worry as he goes on to explain more of the situation, talking more to cut through the quiet to calm his nerves. You know that you're not built for alien robot battles, but quite frankly, neither is he. Not on his own at least. Though he'll surely deny it now, he's confided in you that without his brother or a bigger bot to sync up with... fighting anything but other minis is a lot harder. Knowing that makes you press him gently on a plan; where should the two of you go to be safe?

·As expected he's immediately adamant that he's fine, but his attitude to you is another story, as is obvious by how he shifts you completely into his arms and holds you tightly. With a promise that he won't let anything touch you, he surprises you with a completely unrestrained sense of protective drive, something quite out of character for a bot that usually struggles with deep feelings. Knowing that ships always have extra guards stationed at key locations, he decides to hurry his way to the medical bay, secretly hoping not to encounter any enemies on the way. Not that he's embarrassed to be a mini or anything, but in moments like these he really wishes he could be big and strong for your sake... Pushing those thoughts deep down, he hurries along and tries to focus on how cool he looks carrying you to safety. Maybe after all this is over he'll be able to tell some awesome stories about rescuing you.

·Seeing you get a little sleepy absolutely baffles him, and he gives you a little tap to wake you up with a tease about taking poorly timed naps. Not having realized you were nodding off, you rub at your eyes in confusion, suddenly aware of sleepiness that certainly wasn't present earlier. At your continued and obvious exhaustion he's quite worried. Had he better practice at driving with an occupant he'd have given you a ride to save time, but even at the best of times previous attempts at that were disasters, so in your current state you'd probably end up getting seriously hurt... It's yet another thing to regret as he holds you closer and hurries along, secretly trying to establish communication so he can hopefully get some answers. The lack of success makes him more worried with every passing minute.

·Though Rumble is no stranger to cuddling behind closed doors and carrying you to show off his strength, this is the first time he's held you like this in public for so long, and it feels very nice. You know he's worried about you, but it's getting harder to focus on staying awake and comforting him with his arms keeping you so secure, and his little spark humming so warm and strong right next to you. Only his gentle pleading for you to keep your eyes open prevents you from nodding off, mostly because his voice is so sad as he does so, and you can't handle seeing that sweet face grow any more worried. Clearly it must be bad if he's openly showing his softer side. You're aided in staying awake by a rather unexpected visitor nearly stepping on the minibot as he enters a hallway, and in the panicked blur that follows your mind is just sharp enough to catch the towering form of a very unfriendly alien before you're laid on the ground and Rumble charges forth in a preemptive strike.

·Though he's every bit as fearless as he usually is in appearance, in his spark he's absolutely terrified as he breaks out his piledrivers, the lack of his brother or Soundwave leaving him with a sense of total helplessness that he has to force down for your sake. The alien is a kind he doesn't recognize, but it's big and clearly hates bots by the way it strikes to kill. Using his tiny size to his advantage, he hammers the legs that are too slow to kick him away in time, striking with a level of force that strains his shock absorbers to a painful limit. The hulking alien collapses as its means of support are demolished in a messy and agonizing attack, but the mini takes no chances, hopping up to the head and delivering a blow capable of creating an earthquake all on its own. He's left panting from the exertion but grateful to have proved himself. Sore from the strain, he hurries back over to you and can't help but ask if you saw what he just did?

·Tiny jubilation is crushed when he hears your weak reply. Even though you're smiling at his victory, you're obviously barely holding on, and that means whatever invisible malady is afflicting you is growing more severe. Scooping you up in bloodied servos, he tries to keep the tears welling in his visor from falling, though admittedly he's not sure why since his image matters very little in the face of losing you. Thinking fast, he breaks open a vent cover and makes use of the claustrophobic shortcut to hurry to the medical bay, ignoring his own overworked body's protests to save you at any cost. Not knowing what the problem could be, he's still tearing himself apart inside over every tiny delay that could now result in the difference between life and death. If only he hadn't hesitated to stop gaming, or had been paying enough attention to avoid that alien... How like him, to prove unworthy of something by ruining it.

·You'd been physically incapable of staying awake as he'd closed in on the part of the ship where help would hopefully be found. Though you had tried so hard and been so heartbroken by his struggles, exhaustion unlike anything had ultimately forced you to rest, with his protective grip on you making it hard to worry as you slipped under. Tears had started to fall without restraint the moment you went quiet. It had made quite a scene when he'd burst into the medical bay, ploughing through a vent cover and startling multiple bots on guard as he yelled for someone to help you, nearly getting shot until he was recognized with you in his arms. Nearby medics had been quick to explain the breakdown of the atmospheric generators and the loss of oxygen, but he brushes all that aside with a single question; will you be okay?!

·Every bot present is immensely surprised by his demeanor. He's known as a troublemaker and a prankster, so even with your relationship to him being taken into consideration, his agony over your condition is not something they could have ever predicted. The loyalty to you is unshakable and obvious even after you receive the care you need, as he refuses medical attention for himself and doesn't care in the slightest when the alien ambush is declared defeated. Not even the prospect of free drinks at Swerve's to celebrate can make him leave you for a second. All he wants is for you to wake up, and to hopefully not be mad once you wake up and learn what happened, which he believes he made worse by being irresponsible and wasting time... Though it isn't allowed, he crawls into your berth with you to snuggle when no one is present.

·You awaken to a much clearer head and the warmth of a bigger body huddled closely around you, and as soon as you open your eyes a familiar frame welcomes you back to consciousness. Whispering a greeting, you're shocked when the mini suddenly clings to you and begins pleading for your forgiveness while also recounting what happened to make you "sick", confusing you beyond all belief at first. Why would the bot you remembered saving you need to apologize? It's only by listening that you realize his misplaced blame is likely motivated by fear, as his hot tears pattering against the berth suggest a bot recently scared out of his wits. The poor mini is blaming himself for his lack of action, in full belief he could have moved faster and should have the moment something was wrong, and sounding quite convinced of his role in your injurey before you shush him as gently but audibly as you can.

·Wiping away heavy tears on his cheeks, you speak clearly through the oxygen mask still secured to your face, reassuring him that he did nothing wrong and had no reason to believe things would play out as they did. When he tries to miserably reply that he's still should have jumped at the first sign of trouble, you remind him that he jumped into action when it counted, taking down an enemy several times his size without anything but his own fists as weapons. Perking up to hear you remember his burst of bravery, he asks a little more confidently if you recall how he punched the alien so hard the hallway shook from the force, and you smile while you assure him that you saw every heroic moment. Hearing himself be referred to as a hero seems to reassure him in ways he didn't know he needed, and the rush of his own gratitude is enough that he hugs you tight without a hint of bashful hesitation. Just being here and safe with you makes it hard to be worried about anything at all.

[caslikescoffeeandfreckles]

Important Work

a short destiel quarantine au featuring doctor!dean and professor!cas with a little shameless star trek reference. heart ripping certified by @wanderingcas

Read on Ao3

It takes a bit of shuffling but Cas is able to move all his groceries to one arm and raise his fist to knock on the bright yellow door. “Mildred, it’s Castiel! I’m leaving your groceries on the porch!”

He lowers one of the large bags to the welcome mat and backs away a safe distance. It’s not long until the door opens, revealing an elderly woman. Despite having no reason to leave her home for weeks now she’s still dressed to entertain the queen, hair curled and pinned back elegantly, pearls decorating her throat.

“Oh, thank you, dear,” she gushes as she picks up the bag. “I tried to order online like my granddaughter told me but that damn Amazon is just too much for someone as old as me.”

Cas smiles as she vents, familiar with her feud with technology after years of living next to each other. “It’s no problem at all, Mildred. Let us know if you need anything else.”

Mildred’s smile gets impossibly kinder. “What would I do without you boys? Oh, that reminds me. How is that lovely husband of yours? I heard the hospital has been a bit of a wreck.”

Cas’s chest tightens at just the mention of the place and he doesn’t bother trying to smother his grimace. “Dean’s well but it has been pretty tense. Everyone is tired and overworked.”

“I can’t help but worry about him,” Mildred frets. “My heart always sinks when I see his car is gone.”

Cas knows the feeling well, just as he’s come to know the pathetic relief he feels whenever he gets home and sees the impala in the driveway and can finally breathe.

“And of course I keep hearing about all these doctors and nurses who can’t even come home!” Mildred sighs. “It’s just heartbreaking.”

It’s not a topic Cas likes to talk about. This entire pandemic has been beyond Cas’s worst nightmares and the only thing keeping him together after a day of panicked headlines, crying nurses, and rising death tolls, is holding his husband in their bed at the end of the day. Or every few days as it’s become of late. “He’s doing what’s important to him,” he says, mostly to himself to be honest. It’s become somewhat of a mantra these days, a reminder of peace, a minor sense of control. It’s what Dean wants.

“God bless him,” Mildred prays with a revered head shake. “Well, I won’t keep you from your beau any longer. You go give him a kiss for me, okay? Have a good night, dear.”

With a kind goodbye, Cas waves and crosses the yard toward home with the remainder of his groceries. Dean is supposed to have tomorrow off - his first free day in too many weeks. And it just happens to be a Saturday which means Cas has no online classes or work to prepare for his college students. Cas plans to stuff his husband full of pasta and wine tonight and then tomorrow they’re going to stay in bed until noon and won’t think of any future plans. Just enjoy the moment they have with each other while they can.

Just thinking of having Dean all to himself for more than a few hours is enough to make him grin and walk just that must faster.

Dean is nowhere to be found when he gets inside and for a moment Cas worries he may be sleeping. Then he hears footsteps upstairs. Smiling, Cas drops the groceries in the kitchen and hurries up the stairs to their room.

“Are you ready for the best shrimp alfredo you’ve ever-” Cas swings into the room only to freeze, smile dropping just like his heart falls to his stomach when he sees the half-full suitcase on the bed.

Dean looks close to death, big purple bags under his eyes and he’s certainly thinner than he had been even just a month ago. His hair is long and greasy and ruffled and there’s hardly a spark in his eye aside from what Cas recognizes as guilt.

“Dean?” Cas whispers, not daring to walk closer. He looks at the suitcase again, then back at Dean. “No,” he says and again, but louder. “No.”

“It’s for the best, Cas,” Dean sighs.

“No!” Cas says again. “I thought we talked about this. It’s safer for you to come home.”

“But more dangerous for you ,” Dean argues. He drops the shirt in his hands and turns fully. He’s still in his scrubs and usually the sight lights a fire in Cas but now he wants to strip his husband down for entirely different reasons.

“We’re not having this conversation,” Cas says with every ounce of confidence he has.

“Cas-”

“No,” Cas snaps. It’s quiet but fierce. Severe. “No. You are going to go get in the shower and I am going to go start dinner. I don’t want to hear another word of this.”

“Dammit, Cas, be reasonable here,” Dean says, voice raising above a whisper for the first time. “I don’t want this either. But I… things are getting bad. Hell, they’ve been bad. Benny left Andrea two weeks ago. Jesse has been staying with his brother. Donna hasn’t seen her kids in I don’t know how long. And it sucks.” Dean’s voice breaks and Cas can’t breathe. “They’re hurting and I see it every day. But the only thing keeping them going as more and more beds fill and the masks keep disappearing is knowing that at least their families are safe. I have to keep you safe, Cas.”

“That’s not your decision to make!” Cas says.

Dean shakes his head. “Actually, it is. And I won’t risk you.” He picks up his discarded shirt and puts it in the bag.

Cas feels like he’s being pulled in a million directions. He wants to continue screaming. He wants to snatch Dean’s bag away and dump everything out. He wants to tackle Dean to the floor and hold him down until he comes to his senses. But as Dean continues to move calmly around their room, packing his back, Cas realizes that Dean has come to his senses. Cas can’t stop him.

Dean is the one who notices that he’s crying. “Oh, sweetheart…” Dean stops and pulls Cas’s body against his. Cas’s hands knot in the soft blue fabric of his shirt and cling. “I’m so sorry,” Dean whispers in his ear, lips brushing so gently and lovingly against his neck. “I’m so sorry.”

Cas shakes his head and buries his face in Dean’s neck, breathing his husband in as deeply as he can. “Not your fault,” he whispers.

Dean’s hands rub his back, comforting and soothing. “I can still be sorry. If I had known something like this was going to happen, I never would have-”

“Don’t.” Cas pulls away far enough to look into Dean’s eyes. They’re so sad and tired, a dull green instead of the bright summer fields he loves to compare them to. “This is our life. Maybe we didn’t anticipate a global pandemic, but the risks were still high and we knew that.” Cas releases Dean’s shirt so he can slide his hands up Dean’s chest, feel his heartbeat. “I’m going to miss you.”

Something close to a choking sound comes from Dean and Cas is being squeezed impossibly closer. “I’m going to miss you, too.”

They finish packing together, Cas sorting through the toiletries to make sure Dean will have everything he needs. He packs some snacks for Dean too, puts the ingredients for dinner away to save for whenever they’re together again.

Their hug at the front door is long and silent, neither really capable of verbally expressing goodbye. All too soon, Dean is gone and Cas is left staring at the door he disappeared behind.

This is important to him , he reminds himself for the thousandth time. People need him.

Cas heads for the stairs, appetite long gone. He’s about halfway up when he hears a strange knocking. Not on the door… but the window?

Cas follows the sound to the living room and frowns when he recognizes his husband on the other side of the glass. Dean spots him and smiles.

“Did you forget something?” Cas calls as he walks closer.

Instead of answering, Dean raises his hand and flattens his palm against the window. He still doesn’t speak, just watches Cas until it clicks.

Cas can’t help but snort even as he feels the little burning sensation of tears build behind his eyes. He finally stops just inches from the window and arches a brow at his ridiculous husband. “Star Trek? Really?”

Dean shrugs, smile so gentle and easy and just for Cas.

Cas flattens his palm over Dean’s, loves the way Dean’s eyes brighten as Cas returns the gesture.

“You know why I saved you?”

It’s all too on-the-nose, but Cas says his line like the dutiful husband he is. “Because you love me.”

Dean nods, eyes crinkling as his smile becomes that much bigger. “And because you’re my friend.”

[dildo-swaggins-t-baggins]

Lord Rodimus tortures and tries to break Thunderclash in front of the whole Lost Light crew, but Thunderclash refuses to break: the robot that send the mean message to Rodimus confesses and apologizes, but Rodimus kicks him and laughs: "Do you think that changes anything? Everyone treated me like unfairly even before they misunderstood my words about Thunderclash and nobody was there for me when I needed them most! Tarn may be horrible, but at least he sees my potential and not just my flaws!"💔

Sorry this took awhile, been worn out with everything! But I hope you enjoy it!

Rodimus jammed the shock probe in the colorful side of the the Captain, watching the colorful frame buck and groan, but not a sound escaped those golden lip plates. The wires stretched but didn’t break, Tarn was getting better with his knots, he made another mental note, making sure that the purple tank was never behind him. 

His spark shriveled, somehow the new and improved Captain didn’t even groan, where was the scream, the howl of pain, the fat tears? Rodimus pulled the probe back and watched as another ribbon of energon leaked from the Captain’s intake. Then he did something, something that made Rodimus’ spark burn, the fragger grinned and winked as his paint started to dull.

“What are you doing?” Rodimus hissed grabbing the Captain’s chin and pulling his helm up.

“What?” He wheezed a bubble of energon slipped past his denta. “Can’t I smile?”

Rodimus moved his servo down to the base of his neck. “I shouldn’t expect anything less from you, Greatest Autobot of All Time.”

“That’s enough Rodimus!” Ratchet yelled, flinging his famous ratchet.

Rodimus caught it, not even turning away from the dulling red optics, he crushed the tool in his servo and spared Ratchet a glance. The medic was covered in energon, Drift was under him, still awake but his chassis was open. “Ratchet, do you not understand the basic concept of slow death?”

“Maybe you don’t understand that you just attacked your captain, and your amica,” Ratchet glared at him. “I know that hurt, that hurt because I felt it too.” He hissed, welding up a crack. Drift whined and Ratchet hushed him with soft words, mumbling sayings of ‘everything will be okay, just hang on’. 

“So you know everything now don’t you?” Rodimus snapped, turning away from his replacement and glaring down at the doctor. “What are you going to do Ratchet? You’re surrounded, the Lost Light is in pieces, and the DJD is here. Maybe you should think this through, and you might not lose another patient?” 

Ratchet snapped his intake shut, his optics twitching, taking in Rodimus’ features. “Why’d you leave the Lost Light?”

“Why would I stay? Why the frag would I stay? Everyone said it, I was a horrible captain, even Optimus thought I was, setting me up with a babysitter. Then Thunderclash joined,” His throat tightened just saying his name out loud. “Who gladly showed all of my flaws, the crew favored him and...Getaway was right, I was a horrible captain.” He grit his denta, his helm burned, absently he reached behind his neck and rubbed a sore spot.

The Captain’s engine stalled behind him.

Rodimus glanced back, the leaking smile was gone, his optics finally held a certain fear, the fear Rodimus was looking for. “You were right Ratchet.”

“What are you going on about?” Ratchet snapped, placing wires back and closing up Drift’s chassis with a patch. 

“I didn’t stop Megatron, or Overlord, and I couldn’t save Nyon.”

“What?” The grumpy medic frowned. “What are you going on about?”

“That message you sent me.”

“I didn’t send you squat.”

Atomizer of all the mechs stepped out, his digits fidgeted. “Uh, Rod-Lord Rodimus, so that wasn’t Ratchet, that was Getaway, and well I helped.”

Rodimus’ engine rumbled and in a flash he shot off Atomizer’s helm, what left was a smoldering stump. “Figures, still doesn’t fix anything, not like it can be fixed.” He huffed rubbing the back of his helm. “Doesn’t change anything. The whole crew treated me unfairly, even before the incident, before Thunderclash even joined. No one understood, or made an effort to. Then they found me, funny that they found use of me, and overlooked my flaws.” He sighed, his spark ached, he felt it, Drift was pulling on their bond, begging for Rodimus to come back. 

“Found use?” The Captain croaked and laughed. “Really Rodimus, they found use?”

He spun around, staching the probe and slamming it into his replacement’s side, the Captain grinned through the pain, staring right at Rodimus, optics flickering. Rodimus pulled back. 

The Captain laughed. “Use? I’m sorry Rodimus, I think you just need to face it, there’s no use for you.”

“I’m sure I can kill you.”

“Then why haven’t you done it yet?” More energon leaked out of his intake. “You couldn’t kill Megatron, or Drift, so what makes you think you can kill me?”

“Thunderclash, you moron shut up!” Velocity snapped.

Tarn stomped over to Rodimus, towering over him. “My lord-”

“Take him to the ship, we have more...toys there.” Rodimus cut off Tarn. “Let the rest of them wait.” He shifted into his alt-mode and raced off, his spark burning, helm hurting and his tanks twisting. “Stupid replacement, stupid Ratchet and Drift and…” He trailed off, creating a trail of dust in his wake.

________________________

Thunderclash hissed as he was carried off, he only spared a glance at Velocity and Riptide, meeting his closest friend’s horrified faces. He offered a small sad smile, knowing that if this plan failed, he would die, horribly. But at least Megatron would get the crew out, somehow. And maybe, if this plan worked out, just maybe Thunderclash might reach Rodimus.

They carried him to the ship, his helm filled with static and system errors but he held on, just a little longer. They stopped, and Thunderclash felt Tesarus flinch, he lifted his helm a bit and saw Tarn and Rodimus, they were close, servos balled into fists. One of his audio inputs was somewhat working, he focused on it, on what they were saying.

“You said you would kill him off!”

“Well I’m going to.”

“When are we going to finish off Megatron?”

“You will, I’m not satisfied yet!

“They were right there, he was right there, I could’ve made your whole crew’s sparks fade!”

Did Rodimus winch at that? “You’ll get your chance, not like I’m going to let them escape.”

Tran rumbled. “Rod-”

Rodimus burst into flames. “Enough! That’s the end of it! Thunderclash dies, the Lost Light is gone, and you can have Megatron’s helm!” He roared, turning to Tesarus. “Bring him to my hab.” He snarled, still in flames and stomping off.

Thunderclash groaned, he stared at the floor, counting the steps, the markings, anything from minor dents to scuffs, anything to keep his processor off the pain. He was carried to a hab, a large one, huge compared to anything the Lost Light had. His frame was hooked up to a couple of dangling wires, Tesarus checked his work and left.

Thunderclash hissed, there was an upside to energon loss, the numbing, he would’ve been in unimaginable pain, but now, as his frame leaked, there was just the steady feeling of cold creeping up. 

Rodimus stormed in, prying off the rifle on his back and tossing it aside. “Fragging Tarn, he’s obsessed over Megatron, so-” He stopped and turned to Thunderclash. “So driven to get revenge.” Rodimus’ shoulder eased and he fell on his berth, helm in his servos. “I’m just as bad as him aren’t I?”

There he was, that’s his captain, there’s the Rodimus Thunderclash knew! “No, you’re not.”

“Ugh, shut up.” Rodimus flopped back. 

“Rodimus-”

“It’s Lord Rodimus.”

“You know how stupid that sounds right?”

“Why won’t you shut up?”

“Because, you told me to keep that crew alive, and that’s what I’m doing.” He smiled. “Rodimus I wanted to tell you something, or well a few things.”

“Can’t it wait?”

“Swerve's, that’s where we met, twice a month we’d meet there, the crew, try to plan out a way to track you down. Megatron, Ratchet, Drift, Whirl, Cyclonus, Tailgate, Riptide, Velocity, First Aid-”

“Shut up!”

“I can keep listing if you want. They all came, they all realized their mistake, and wanted to find you.”

Rodimus jumped up, grabbing a blaster and started to take it apart, cleaning it bit by bit.

“Drift became mute, you know? He hardly spoke to anyone, even Ratchet.”

Rodimus started to whistle.

“It’s my fault, I should’ve gone after you, talked to you when you needed it.”

“What are you trying to do?”

He vented. “I wanted you to know that they missed you, and that well you’re the better captain.”

“Whatever this act is, this aft kissing is? It needs to stop.” he rubbed the back of his neck, flinching.

“You would’ve gone after me if I left, you learned that when Drift left.”

Rodimus flared, rushing over, his servo wrapped around the base of Thunderclash’s neck “Shut! Up!”

His optics watered, there was so much pain in Rodimus, so much hurt, and loneliness. What did Tarn do to him? Thunderclash smirked, he had to keep playing along, he had to. “You’ll have to kill me then.”

Rodimus shoved the cool barrel of his blaster against Thunderclash’s chassis, his optics narrowed and his fangs flashed. 

“You can’t do it can you?”

“Why won’t you shut up?”

“You can’t kill me, I know you can’t, because you’re not Rodimus.” His helm spun as Rodimus slammed the butt of his blaster down on Thunderclash’s helm, denting his helm brim. “Rodimus wouldn’t have let me die slowly, if anything it would’ve been quick. Just like Nyon.” He pulled his helm up and stared at his once great captain.

Rodimus was crumbling apart, his optics watered, his frame shivered. “Why won’t you just shut up?” He spun around, once more flashing the 5 tiny welds on the base of his neck and he fell onto his berth, curling up and sobbing. 

[basement-critics]

I watched "I Have A Complaint" so you don't have to...

Okay so I know @carmensandiego-againstonision already did one for this video, and if I knew how to link the post I would, if you haven't seen her's please do, but I have some things I want to add to the video as well.

• Starts off saying they have a bone to pick with the planets and life. And that this video is a vent video so they can "vent their sorrow and pain"

• Says that they didn't mean to look like Archie from Riverdale, but you can pretend they are Archie complains at you

(Okay I don't even like Riverdale, but you look nothing like Archie, like at all)

• Claims Mercury Retrograde is fucking up their life, also states they are a skeptic in all the astrological stuff. But are starting to believe in Mercury Retrograde because "everytime Mercury is in Retrograde shit starts to go down hill for me"

(Or could it be that it's just a bad day/week and you are looking for something outside of yourself to blame it on?)

• "Every small little inconvenience that could happen to me is happening to me"

(Oh snap, it's almost like you are an adult)

• Says they are losing their shit over this

• For the first time I've ever heard, they call themselves Kai

(Looks like Greg finally wore you down huh)

• It all started a week ago, when their car didn't work right. Their power steering shut off, but they made it home safely, where they told Greg and he went to look at the car. And it worked fine for him

• Says stuff like that happens often, they will be trying to get something to work but it won't, and then Greg will use it and it works fine

(Same fam, it's just a thing that happens to everyone)

• That was the first sign, and the first inconvenience

• Says they were feeling weird for a while

• They had trouble talking to people, and they had to go into a meeting where they had a hard time getting their point out, and they felt dumb because of it

(Again same, I did this today in English 1. It happens to everyone)

• More little things like that started happening but they don't go into detail

• Then they started to feel bad and sick, so they scheduled and appointment with the Doctor. Then they make a point to say how they never go to the Doctor even when they are really sick

(Yo that is so not healthy)

• So they go to the Doctor, but they only have an 8 am appointment

(Oh no, an early appointment that means you can get done earlier and get more stuff done later in the day)

• Greg had to drop them off

• And then they had a bunch of extra time after their appointment "which was awful by the way"

(Oh no, some time to yourself)

• They are salty about having to go to "a women's health clinic" and said it wasn't the funniest thing and they almost cried the entire time they were there

(Okay I get that this could cause dysphoria I do, but Lainey you have to realize you have the body of a women. If you need to go see a Doctor they are going to put you down as a woman regardless of where you go because you are biologically a woman and that affects your care and your medication you can be put on a lot. Also if you knew this was going to bother you, why not try going to other health clinics. There are general health clinics that aren't gender specific)

• They finished their appointment early and decided to walk to Starbucks that was a mile away

• But oh no, it was up a hill and it was cold out

• They got their Starbuck "so all in all, not that bad"

• The clinic called them and told them they had an infection and need to be on antibiotics

• The antibiotics are making them sick

(Like they do with everyone)

• They say it's not fair to be on a medicine that makes you sicker than the illness it's treating and they are depressed about it

(Which I can agree with, but that what antibiotics do. They make you sick, that's a well known thing)

• The first and foremost indicator of the Retrograde is that, they and to run errands, and it was hard and they had to do it themself

(I've been running errands by myself since I was like 14, it's not hard)

• They decided to treat themself with a Green Tea Frappuccino from Starbuck, because they don't get Starbucks often

(Sure you don't Lainey, sure. *looks at all the videos where they have a new Starbucks cup*)

• Then they dropped their Green Tea Frappuccino

• Lainey almost had a break down in the Target parking lot over a spilt drink

(It's a drink, from a place that burns their tea and coffee so you can't taste how low quality it is)

• Their alarm hasn't been going off all week so they had to rush out the door and didn't get to eat breakfast

• Lainey stops at McDonald's and orders food and a coffee

• So they order, and pull up to the window. The woman handed them the bag, Lainey says they do not remember, to this day, taking the bag from woman, like it's a complete black spot in their memory

(LAINEY GO TO THE DOCTOR, THAT IS NOT NORMAL)

• They get their coffee, and sit there waiting. The woman comes back and asks Lainey if they need anything else.

• Lainey tells the woman they haven't gotten their food yet, so the woman goes and gets Lainey another order

• They go park so they can get their maps up and their food ready so they can drive

• And they see they have two bags off food in the seat

• They say they feel like an asshole and that they can't take it back, and how they never want to go back to that McDonald's again

(Like I get the feeling like a jerk part, but hey, free food)

• They almost broke their ankle by tripping over the stuff all over their dirty house

• They laid on the floor for 30 minutes afterwards

(1, clean your house. 2, you are a mother, if you fell and hurt yourself then so will your children. 3, you are a mother of 2 children, you shouldn't be laying on the floor for 30 minutes while your kids were doing God knows what)

• "It still hurts, to this day"

(Because it happened that week Lainey)

• They then show us their gross feet

(I don't know if their feet are gross by normal people standards, but I really hate feet so all feet are gross)

• They say their emotions are going haywire and they are sad about everything

• If someone looks at them the wrong way they feel like they cry

• They feel betrayed all the time as well

• They also say they are lonely, and that Greg is working all the time

• So they lay in bed and cry

(Again, mother of 2 small children)

• They cry themselves to sleep almost every night

• They feel like everyone is ignoring them

• They get upset when people leave them on read, even though they do that to everyone

(Okay Lainey, this is coming from a genuine place. Please, please go get help. Being sad all this time, crying all the time, being on the verge of a break down all the time, is not normal nor is it healthy. You may have a hormone imbalance, or you may have an undiagnosed mental illness that you really need help for.)

• Says that in 6 days they won't feel like this anymore because Mercury will be out of Retrograde and they will "be the happiest bean to ever bean"

(They keep usuing really cringing language like this, it's like a middle age mom trying to fit in with her kids and their friends)

• They are doing a binder video soon where they compare an expensive binder to a cheap one

• And even though they already have an expensive binder, they ordered another one to use and ordered a cheap one

• The cheap one is dangerous because they feel like it is going to crush their lungs even though they put in their measurements

• Their expensive one was supposed to ship in 1-6 days, but it got delayed. When they emailed the company they got a code for free shipping in their next order

• Claims that they need it soon because it's urgent

(1, free shipping in your next order? Hell yes. 2, you are a YouTuber who makes your own schedule and doesn't upload daily, it's not that urgent)

• They can't talk about the last thing, even though it was supposed to be the craziest thing that they have ever found out in their life and really proved the Mercury Retrograde stuff

• They say it's not normal for things to be like this, so unless they "pissed off the magical sky spirit" they don't know what's going on, but they want it to stop

• There have been other minor annoying inconveniences that have happened, but nothing so important to remember

• Lainey says that once Mercury goes out of Retrograde it will all stop and life with go back to normal

• They like to complain

Conclusion

Lainey, I really think you need some help. You are overly emotional all the time from the sounds of it, and that's not healthy for you. Also, this is stuff that happens to everyone, this kind of stuff is normal. We all have bad days or weeks, that's just how life works. Don't look to blame something outside of yourself, when it's just life, these problems happen to almost everyone, sure it's annoying, but it has nothing to do with Mercury Retrograde.

[laufie]

i have a lot of thoughts about emet-selch, its been 3 days since i finished MSQ and i’m still tearing up thinking about him. i dont expect anyone to read this shit but i just need to vent this somewhere cause crow’s ear is probably sore with all my moping

(at first) i hated him the whole time, man. not as a character, he’s an amazing character, but because he’s a villain. you know, we’re the good guys and he is the big bad guy. especially after he hurt g’raha, i was powering through MSQ hoping i get to kill him. maybe a bit too much but a rather adequate response to how they set him up.

and then amaurot. then talking to the shadow of his friend who was just a bit more self-aware than others, who told me of the heavy burden that plagues him, despite him concealing it so masterfully. then seeing it’s end. slowly coming to understand his intentions, my view on him changed so drastically and so quickly that to my own surprise when thancred dealt the final blow to him i found myself angry, not satisfied as i initially expected. i wish things went differently.

emet-selch, for all his vices and undeniable villainry, was trying to do the same thing as us. prevent a tragedy happening to the people he loved. well, more like “undo” it. he witnessed everyone he loved and cared for die and he knew of a way to bring them back. the means were abysmally catastrophic, so he had to convince himself that we are just mindless primitive savages. we don’t feel bad killing a bug that inconveniences us. that’s what emet had spent so many years convincing himself of: we are just bugs in his way to restoring everything he ever loved - makes it all that much easier to commit genocide. not only that, but the man was tempered. we don’t know how much of his will was truly his own. maybe, if there was a way to strip him of zodiark’s influence we would see a face of remorse.

he was numb to all suffering around him, save for the one he remembered his people going through. he was a hero of his own story. but he was also alone. he didn’t have others cheering him on or believing in him like wol does, he didnt have the scions at his side or even so much as a friendly shoulder to cry on. and i’m sure he cried plenty. a man who cares for someone so deeply doesn’t reach his levels of apathy without burning through every emotion there is sevenfold. and in the end he lost.

emet-selch was a villain who deserved to be saved. he deserves redemption, to feel regret and remorse and self-hatred for what he’s done, to make it up to us. final fantasy is that kind of game. maybe it’s too early to ask for a redemption ark, but the heavy implication of him really truly being dead is really hard. it’s the worst.

why couldn’t we save him? the universe with magic, aether, tempering, light and dark, is bound to be bendable enough to find a way. something that ryne saw in him. a way for wol to “drain” his darkness and balance it out with their own overload of light. loosen the grip of zodiark on him. fuck sake, even those “i have no idea why this worked” moments. anything. one of the key phrases of this expansion is that what we are doing is for those we can yet save. why couldn’t he be one of them. why re-introduce a fairly minor character back into the story, tie him to so many events and characters, set up an entire world around him, only to kill him permanently. was it only for heartbreak? i really dont want to believe that was his purpose.

i know that the re-created amaurot still stands, so maybe emet-selch isn’t dead. i know that we used the same means and the same quantity of it to kill him as we did on lahabrea, a comparatively much weaker ascian, no way the same identical thing would do the same damage to hades, so maybe emet-selch isn’t dead. i know that g’raha was also a minor character from the past reintroduced as a major key character in shadowbringers with heavy implications that he will die, just like they did with emet-selch, so maybe he isn’t dead. i’ve thought of all of this, because i’m in such fucking denial that he’s dead. i don’t want him to be dead. if blizzard found a way to bring back illidan, a villain fuckup with intentions much less noble than emet-selch and give him a redemption ark, square enix can do it too.

i keep saying to myself, final fantasy is that kind of game. despite how grim the story got, it still has the core of purity. giving someone a chance they may not deserve, seeing the good in others. emet-selch is a villain deserving to be saved, i will die on this hill alone if i have to.

i’m sad. i’m so fucking sad, i still cry when i think of the last parting phrase he says to wol. 3 days later i actually still cry over this fucking character. and no, i’m not on the thirst train or whatever, i don’t find him attractive, although i can see the appeal. i love his character so deeply. i went into shadowbringers because of what crow told me about g’raha tia - he was my main focus and one of the main reasons i played and enjoyed the story. i love g’raha. i didn’t expect that by the end of it i would find myself missing emet-selch the most. i know g’raha is still there, but as i said earlier, i was hoping to get to kill emet-selch. the game fucked with my head so hard that now i regret it so much.

i’m sad i’m sad i’m sad, i’m so fucking sad and i will never be over this character. i’m not mad at se, the story is amazing, i just. i think he deserved better.

[that-one-violist]

formal apologies this is long, its a mindless vent session so like, dont feel obligated because oof

i hate how grief takes away so much from you. not only do you have to deal with the absence of someone you never could imagine would disappear from your life, but the bills, the house, the clothing, the holidays, the food in the fridge she would have eaten, the things you would have shared with them, the phone calls you would make, having someone to forward emails you didnt understand to, someone to sit next to when youre ill, someone to cry to when life gets tough or when your head hurts for hours unend and it just makes everything harder. i cant share anything with her anymore. i cant be happy or feel proud without it being stained by grief and pain. 

like, i did really well at my juries, maybe not comparatively to others but for me i did. but all i could do was sit in a practice room and cry because i normally would have called her to tell her how proud i was and how much she made this possible for me. but i couldnt. there wouldnt be anyone on the other side, and there never will be.  there was a moment when i read the comments that i just was happy and proud and excited and then i went to grab my phone by reflex and then it just hit and i just broke all over again. 

last night i walked around campus from like 10-11:30 at night just walking aimlessly because i just needed to think and get some exercise and fresh air along the way. everything was fine and then i got to my dorm which at this point is empty im the only one left for exams and i feel like i could have had a minor fucking breakdown? 

i literally just started crying and all i could do was talk to an empty room like i was talking to her on the phone and i tried to share everything with her and tell her how much i miss her even though i was fully aware there was no one there i just felt like i had to and it helped but how fucking crazy do you have to be? i literally even took out the wedding rings that I cleaned because i knew she would have wanted them clean because she was so meticulous so i could fucking “show” her that i got them cleaned. literally what the fuck? like i even openly said like 40 times that “theres like a 99% chance that you dont even exist anymore and then if you do its unlikely youre able to hear me or experience any of this and tehres absolutely no guarantee that if there is something after that ill be able to interact with you but i dont know what to do because telling dad about this trivial stuff that im proud of just isnt the same. its still important but its not you.” and kept going. whats wrong with me? is this just like, grief but a weird version of it? 

why am i going off on here. why is tumblr somehow supposed to help me think through shit? i always have to talk through shit and im 10000% an over-sharer because i think outloud and i think through other people’s reactions and their responses but i dont want to bother anyone with this face to face because its uncomfortable and its been over a month so my “free to be too open or openly sad or openly something related to grief” card is gone and

i used to do this shit on my finsta but a lesser version of it but then people in real life that follow my finsta started to bring it up to me (and by that i mean literally one person but also) and im not trying to concern people and theres a few people i know and love to death that follow me on here and know me irl and i also dont want them to worry but i operate on the slim chance they dont see this shit even though i post fucking bullshit so frequently

i dont know im just saying shit to say it now i really need to just figure out a more personal not so vocal version of this, writing it on a piece of paper does nothing because theres no out in the world to it, idk if that makes me an attention whore but i mean i wouldnt be suprised at this rate with how much i talk about how much this is bothering me 

big

fucking

yoinks (thats yikes but more)

[alyxeris]

apparently i only check/update this when i have big life updates. 

anyway, long post is going to be long. i’m processing a lot of things and life changes and changes in relationship dynamics.

things have changed a lot lately, and i need a space to talk and vent about it. obviously in the last year i got laid off from my job, moved to lexington, and generally have been working on improvement as always. i have an amazing roommate  and cat roommate here, and we have a cute if decrepit house! everything is halloween-themed in it, and i actually enjoy having people over. (which isn’t to say i don’t miss twin pines and my amazing neighbor/basically roommate from cincy because goddamn i definitely do.) we live a minute walk from the bar all our friends frequent; it’s not dissimilar from cheers and at this point we can basically time when our friends are about to come in. we mostly annoy each other with goofy songs on the jukebox when it’s not playing sad country tunes. i’m really happy here, honestly. it’s felt like home so quickly, and i have a really supportive and rad group of friends. i’m really lucky i do because things sort of all fell apart when i first moved here. 

i won’t go into full details because being respectful to my partner and all that, but basically right after i moved down here my partner and their other partner they lived with broke up. they were dating for 6 years, and it seemingly came out of nowhere (less so in retrospect). she was pretty shitty about the whole thing and it’s made my life a dramatic mess for the last 3ish months. my partner has been mostly staying with me while looking for a new place to live. we just finished cleaning out their old house yesterday (she left a whole bunch of fucking shit behind, which is one of many reasons i’m pissed as fuck at her) and gave the keys back. 

for those of you who know me well, you know i’m pretty against living with partners. the last partner i lived with, i just feel like it ruined a lot of our relationship. we went back to being best friends as soon as we weren’t living together. we were both people who needed a lot of alone time, and that wasn’t possible with our living arrangement. i’m glad i had the experience, don’t get me wrong, and i still adore him (hello if you’re reading this, avery. it’s been way too long since we’ve gotten to hang out. i miss you and let’s hang soon, yeah?), but it definitely made me wary of living with anyone. this is my first time since then even living with a roommate. it’s been surprisingly great! i love my roommate, and my roommate’s partner, well, and my roommate, are two of my best friends. what freaks me out a little is that i don’t even mind having my partner around. usually i get cranky with people in my space, but i don’t mind them one bit so far. it’s been about 2 months like this, and i’m perfectly content. 

maybe a lot of it is that i’m currently in a headspace of making up for “lost time”. there’s a lot we couldn’t do before because of the nature of long distance relationships and because they were living with their other partner. obviously they’re in a weird headspace of dealing with all of the loss they’ve been handed. i’m helping in whatever ways i can. i worry it’s too much sometimes, but i worry too much about everything. i’m just trying to give the help that i had when moving, ya know? before their breakup we were fighting a whole lot. things were fucked up. since the breakup, we’ve had one minor fight. things have been going as well as they can for us given the circumstances. they also started seeing someone new, which was in the works since before the breakup. it’s triggered a lot of weird and insecure feelings for me that i’m dealing with on my own because i’m realizing all of them are rooted in issues with their ex-partner and the awful and manipulative shit she used to do. my partner is definitely not ready to talk about that shit yet as they’re dealing with the breakup still and incredibly stressed. and that’s totally fine, but i need to work through this some i’m going to talk about what she’s done to me personally so i can work past it.

so the most vivid memory i have of her was a weekend i was down while still living in cincy. i was incredibly anxious all 3 days i was down, and on the last night i was in the middle of an anxiety attack that my partner was sitting with me through at their shared house. partly through she says, “i’m sorry if this is too honest, but it’s been 3 days and you need to get over it”. i swallowed that shit the fuck down and internalized it. she was totally valid in feeling done with it, but when you know what anxiety’s like, why wouldn’t you have a little fucking empathy? once i moved down here and my partner and i were having issues (mostly related to them not having any time to actually hang out or work on our relationship because, surprise, surprise, they were spending all their time with her), she met up with me one night to talk about it. i thought this was super nice at the time, but in retrospect i think it was actually pretty manipulative. she told me about how they’d decided to be together forever and that she thought i had too heteronormative of a view of relationships (which like what the fuck does that mean here? i don’t want any kind of hitting benchmarks relationship, i just wanted to fix our problems and get to a healthier place because i love the fuck out of them. she literally left them no time to see anyone else because they always had to be home to do xyz for her). in retrospect, that was super possessive and insecure and was her projecting her doubts onto me. okay, whatever. 

part of that conversation was also her digging into me about not communicating things to her. these were things i had communicated to my partner and assumed they would talk about together, which yes maybe dumb on my part because i know communication is one of my partner’s biggest weaknesses. still doesn’t make it my fault though when they should’ve been having those conversations and i had done my part in communication to our partner. anyway, the whole conversation basically descended into her gaslighting me. i get it now, she was in the drowning moments of an ending relationship and was lashing out. i was an easy target because she possibly saw me as where she lost control of her partner in the possessive sense (when my partner and i started seeing each other, they had talked about going monogamous to work on their relationship. my partner told her that they couldn’t give up their relationship with me though. it always felt like this was something she held against me). anyway, so now i’m working through all the trauma and triggers in my head left from her. i.e. i get really uncomfortable when my partner’s new partner texts like walls of messages because i remember when their ex would do this basically demanding they come home right now. i’m slowly working through it, but i don’t have much of anyone to talk about it with. and this new partner is really rad and sweet and deserves to not feel weird because i’m working through the ex’s bullshit! she didn’t actually do anything, and like the thread of most everything the last 3 months: not everything is about you. 

hell, probably a lot of what happened isn’t about me either. i’m just trying to make sense of it. i’m just so fucking angry and trying to make sure that i’m never a partner like my partner’s ex, honestly. i never want to be controlling like that. my partner currently still thinks they had a great relationship and isn’t ready to talk about things, and that’s fine. i’m finding out from other people down here though more and more how fucked up their relationship was (obviously not to say my partner was completely innocent in all of this). it has been so much healthier for everyone with her gone (she literally skipped town and alienated all her former close friends before leaving if they didn’t tell her she was making the right call), but now the healing starts. i’m not sure where to even begin with it. i guess it starts with unpacking everything she did to me, then everything she did to my partner, and then just sitting with it. i don’t think i’m ever not going to be angry. and to be perfectly clear, i don’t hate her, and i’m really not sure how much of what she did was intentionally malicious but it sure as hell was shitty as fuck. 

my partner and i talked a little last night. i told them that since everything is changing i want to be very careful and deliberate and caring as we figure out where we’re at now. we’ve worked through a lot in this process but i want to continue building something healthy and that makes us both happy. i don’t want it to be controlling and possessive and insecure; i want it to be nurturing and communicative and positive. i want it to be freeing. one of my favorite things about consensual non-monogamy is that we can go out into the world and experience things and then come back and compare notes or share stories and we can always work on getting our needs fulfilled. it’s why monogamy just doesn’t work for me. after the conversation we had last night, i think my partner realized how much this has all weighed on me. they thanked me for being a good partner and for putting up with their shit. when i got home from work they cuddled on me until i took a nap, which i really fucking needed. i appreciate them so much, and i want such good things for them. life has been rough. i’m head over fucking heels in love with them though, and despite all the bullshit, i’m incredibly happy here. may the bridges we burn blaze the way into the brilliant future.

[stimmyvillainarchive]

WHY does the android app gotta suck so much, when i click the faq link it just like refreshes the page,,,, this happens with all links in bios on the andoird app :[

NNNN lovin this broke ass app.

I’mma go ahead and paste the FAQ just under the cut, hopefully you should be able to read it now :’))

(FAQ is written by Mod Joker)

“Are requests open?”

We get this ask a lot. And while I don’t mind answering, it does get a lilll annoying sometimes since we’re essentially repeating ourselves constantly. Before you ask, please check our ask box! It will ALWAYS give our request status!

From now on if we receive requests when they’re closed, we’re going to delete the message entirely. You’re free to ask again when they’re open, but we need breaks!

“Can allistic/neurotypical people follow?”

Yes! So long as you’re respectful of stimming and understand it’s not an aesthetic or something to make fun of.

“It says there’s two mods, but I only really see Mod Joker post.”

There is! But Mod Boo is rather, well, shy. We both are, tbh. I’ve just gotten used to talking a lot on this blog. And to tell ya the truth I invited her to mod this with me because she considered making a blog but wasn’t sure how she’d do it, and was worried she’d be too awkward/quiet. But she actually tends to see your messages a lot! She just tends to let me handle things. But if you ever wanna talk to her, just say the message is specifically for her and I’m sure she’ll get back to you. She’s very friendly and tbh one of the best people to talk to!!

“How do you make gifs?”

I use the same method stimmybby uses! His tutorial’s right here!

“How do you make banners?”

I use photoshop and for backgrounds (depending on what type of background), I use paint tool SAI. I made a tutorial on how I do it here!

“Can we use your banners for posts that aren’t stim related?”

Absolutely! So long as credit is given and you’re not in our dni, then use it as you like! Discourse posts, art, vent posts, promo posts, whatever floats your boat!

“Can I use your gif/s?”

As long as there’s credit to us for the gif/s and you don’t apply to our dni, you’re free to!

“How can I credit you?”

There’s a few ways! Such as

- Including the credit in the post and/or under the cut (this is the best way people can access the original post and see the credit!

- Include the credit in the post’s captions

- Include the credit in the tags

- Include a link in the post to another post that has the credits in it

- Saying you got the gif/s from us in the post

“What are bad/wrong ways to ”“credit”“ you?”

- Saying “I don’t own these gifs”

- Saying “credit to the original owner(s)/gifmaker(s)

- Straight up not saying you took these gifs from people/including in no credits

- Claiming the gif/s are yours/you made them

If I see any of these I WILL publicly call you out on it and you WILL be blocked immediately thereafter. That block will not be lifted.

“What does REG mean?”

Reactionary Exclusionary Gatekeeper. Meaning people who try to exclude certain queer people from queer spaces. Such a biphobes, transphobes, aphobes, panphobes, and so on.

“What does TERF mean?”

Trans/Transgender Exclusionary Radical Feminist. Meaning radfems who are transphobic and are violent towards trans people (especially trans women).

“What does SWERF mean?”

Sex Worker Exclusionary Radical Feminist. They’re radfems who try to exclude sex worker from their feminism and often treat women attracted to men as less worthy.

“What’s the ADT community?”

ADT stands for “Actually Dysphoric Trans/Transgender” and was created by transmedicalists/truscum to break off from the trans community. It’s an insult to the trans community, an insult to the creator of the transgender pride flag (it’s removed the white that was there for people who ID as non-binary/outside the gender binary), and is there purely to start drama and create rifts in a community that’s already got enough enemies for simply existing in a transphobic world

“He/Him lesbians don’t exist/they’re transphobic towards trans men”

As a trans man who doesn’t think the world revolves around me and who understands that what lesbians decide to do it literally none of my goddamn business: get the fuck over yourself you whiny pissbaby

“What do you mean by people in the true crime community?”

People who sexualize, romanticize, excuse, and/or support serial killers and their actions/crimes. This doesn’t include people who are INTERESTED in the topic of crimes, serial killers, etc but acknowledging how these people are disgusting and their actions are unforgivable.

“Why are you anti-cgl?”

Cause we hate pedophiles and are decent human beings.

“You’re bigoted to kinksters just like homophobes are bigoted to gay people!”

I hate to break it to ya bud but I’m proudly kinkphobic and you’re a giant homophobe!!

“I’m a SFW cgl(re)/littlespace blog so I’m following/interacting uwu”

No the fuck you aren’t!! You’re a kink blog, there’s no such thing as a “sfw kink” even if you’re remaining two braincells are too busy fighting over the last pacifier to tell you some fuckin common sense. Your ass is getting blocked and I’ll also be using your blog to take a look at the people you interact and block them too just for safe measure! Eat a cactus, fuck nugget

“You hate lesbians if you hate TERFs”

You owe every lesbian an apology for assuming they’re all mysogynistic, LGBT+phobic pieces of horseshit like you are. Eat a dick.

“aces/aros aren’t LGBT uwu”

Wow… that’s so wrong Alexa play Fuck You by Lily Allen

“Me/Someone I know/(insert user/s) has been blocked. Why?”

There can be a number of reasons why you’re blocked, and I’m not afraid to block people as I want this place comfortable and safe for the mods and followers. So there’s several reasons as to why.

- You apply to our DNI (see BYF)

- You’re a (insert harmless children’s cartoon) critical blog (I tend to block those due to them saying LGBT+phobic things)

- You get into kin drama

- You’re an ace discourse, pan discourse, bi discourse, and/or overall REG discourse blog (this does not mean I block inherently block discourse blogs! I block the shitty ones)

- You’re a spam/porn/etc bot (if I’ve gotten this wrong, lemme know! I tend to block shady and empty blogs for this reason unless their desc/url/etc says it’s empty/weird for a reason)

- You’re a blog that frequently posts/centers around one or more of my triggers

- You’re an aesthetic blog (though I tend to soft block for them. But this is NOT an aesthetic blog and stimmy is NOT an aesthetic)

- You’re an “anyone can interact” stim blog

- You’re a stim blog that steals/doesn’t credit the gifs they use

- I feel you and I are going to argue and I’m just saving us the trouble of future unpleasant encounter/s

- You’ve been shitty to my friends or just been shitty to people in general and I’ve noticed it

HOWEVER I’ve made slip ups in the past! If you feel you don’t apply to any of these, you can contact me through my main and ask why. Sometimes I don’t always remember why I blocked somebody (sadly there’s a lot of shitheads on this site I’ve needed to block) or I’ve confused one blog for another person’s blog. Or maybe the person was more chill than I thought. Please contact me yourself rather than ask somebody else to do it though so I can get all the details! Even if I don’t lift the block, I won’t report you for block evading or anything.

“You used to be kidheart friendly and now you’re not, why’s that?”

Sadly, Raven (the creator of Kidhearts) has proven to be a bully sympathizer and feels it’s okay to compare agere to kinks/cgl and sides with regressionuncensored. She condones bullying/harassment/the sexualization of minors and I am not nor will ever be okay with that.

“But Raven sai-”

I don’t care what she says. She made it abundantly clear that she supports regressionuncensored and I don’t care that it came back to bite her in the ass. Bullies deserve no support, no sympathy, no nothing. And if you side with her than don’t come near this blog. This is agere safe and I will not allow people who support sexualizing it to interact. Kidhearts WILL be blocked on the spot, no questions asked.

“I’ve left a community on the dni list, can I follow/interact?”

Yes!

“Why are you anti-(insert thing on blacklist here)?”

Camp Camp: It’s racist + antisemitic

Dragon Maid: It’s pedophilic

Killing Stalking: It’s homophobic, ableist, sexist, perpetuates rape culture, and fetishizes abuse

Your Lie in April: It romanticizes child abuse and it literally starts off with a gross pedo joke when we meet the love interest in episode one

Split: It’s ableist

Hetalia: It’s antisemitic

Harry Potter/J.K. Rowling’s works: Actually there’s nothing inherently bad about the story. I just don’t like it. HOWEVER: I can’t stand J.K. Rowling as she’s a TERF/overall LGBT+phobe, and racist. So none of her creations will be featured here.

Sonic Boom: Nothing inherently problematic. I just can’t stand the show because it just fuckin sucks

13 Reasons Why: It romanticizes suicide and the creators refused to listen to actual mental health experts and have made the show potentially dangerous to anyone who even slightly deals with suicidal thoughts/urges

Detroit Become Human: It’s racist + antisemitic

Voltron: Legendary Defender: It queerbaits/it’s LGBT+phobic

“REG is a transphobic term”

I, Mod Joker, am trans. Try again.

“A-specs aren’t LG-”

*buzzer sound* wrong. So sad for you

“You’re not LGBT+ because you DARED disagree with me because you actually acknowledged that tumblr didn’t credit the community sweaty uwu”

We get this shit because a lot of you assume I’m ace or at the very least a-spec. And… Ya couldn’t be far from it. I’m a pan, genderfluid trans man. Even with all your gatekeeper (sorry, BULLSHIT) logic; I’d still be attracted to multiple genders and not be cis. I’m p queer. So no matter which way you slice it, I’m part of LGBT+. Die mad about it.

“You’re comparing aphobes to TERFs and SWERFs you fucking transphobe!”

Wow I didn’t realize setting boundaries meant that I viewed y'all in the EXACT same light. I’m so glad I have the lovely aphobes that have told my friends that they should kill themselves to set me straight.

Asking people not to interact doesn’t inherently mean I think they’re the EXACT same thing.

“Mod Joker is a gif-thief and reposts people’s content without properly crediting them!”

I have made this entire post explaining that’s wrong. Idrc if the post is too lengthy for you. Don’t talk shit if you don’t even have all the details.

Additionally, if you send me somethin about this in a negative light I’m IP blocking you. One strike and you’re out. If you want to believe people with false info and false accusations then that’s your baggage. Not mine.

HOWEVER if I’ve accidentally mis-credited, forgot to/messed up on crediting a person for their gif/video, or so on let me know! I’ll make mistakes, but I never do it intentionally.

[safetycloset]

i want to be a less bitter person

people have wronged me so many people and i resent them so fucking much and i wont forgive them because i dont think they will ever deserve it. however lately i find myself getting upset thinking about all of it and im kind of over it

so how do i stop being so angry? first i will vent and then i will try to work through it.

i recently blocked c and im so mad it took me so long. he outed me in high school he is super gossipy + has no idea how to mind his business and is the dullest most negative person i have ever met

L is pissing me off she is always angry about something she can be rude to me and even when she isnt being rude i dont think she is very interestint

M is fucking awful im so fucking mad that i let ANYONE treat me that bad ever ever ever i hope she feels really really really guilty she has such a disgusting soul i am so sad that i let her treat me poorly for so long

A was TERRIBLE but im so proud of how i handled him. he said "i know youre a huge lesbian but i love you" and when i told him he needs to give me space he threatened to kill himself, and he then never backed off so i blocked him and i know he struggled a lot after that but i dont give a fuck

Je never respected my boundaries and she thought everything was her business and also her cishet ass tried to tell me that cis is a bad word and that the word queer is ridiculous (not even the slur argument she just was whining about how it was a stupid word) and she guilted me about cutting myself like it was about HER and we werent even close

Ju only talks to me when he's suicidal and it makes me so angry and he doesnt listen to my advice he is so stuck in his mindset there is nothing i can do and i don't even WANT to because we arent even friends at this point im just his suicide hotline (his suicide hotline that muted his contact and doesnt respond anymore)

M2 hit on me a LOT when i was a minor and they were 21 so what the fuck red flag, they were really toxic and sort of stole bits of myself from me like making my trauma their own and also was super condescending to me about how they thought i was immature compared to them but theyre the 21 year old hitting on a 17 year old so what's really up? fucker fuck off younfucking idiot FUCK YOU

M3 made me so angry she was awful to work with she's the one i get worked up about lately because she was the most recent FUCK her i didnt get paid nearly enough to be in the same room as her im so sick of her she is why i quit

honestly even people who i dont hate are bothering me. IB and i are drifting apart and i think we have been for a while, he's very toxic positivity and i just know the connection we once had is gone and now he just comes off as like. he's talking to me like im a child and it drives me crazy i hate it so much. B recently like texted me after like eight months of not having spoken and is jumping back into "i love you" and pretending he knows me i cant stand it. im probably forgetting someone but it's fine

ok this part i will try to figure out how to move on. y, you are hurting yourself right now. you dont have to forgive anyone and you can and should set boundaries and cut ties, but once you do then it's over and you dont have to worry. if you block someone, they wont be out of your life until you let go of the anger and sorrow. once you let go, your mind and heart will have room for something better! and your experience has given you the knowledge and tools to make things better in the future. and you also have good relationships now!! appreciate those because you know that they are hard to come by. everyday you have the chance to make life better for yourself and you make progress again and again. i love you, you can do this.

[venomousxdanger]

Sex and Feelings (finished)

                CM Punk/Dean Ambrose

Three hours. It was only three hours. He couldn’t go to the arena but Phil could make the drive from Chicago to Indianapolis for some actual face time. Waiting through the hours of Raw with the drive, he was able to walk up to the room without any knowledge of what happened within the company. Once he knocked, it was harder to ignore as a drained looking blond answered. “I drive for three hours and you’re not happy to see me?” The hurt he felt as the door was left open for him was pushed down; something was wrong. “You gonna tell me?” The little bottles were lined up from the mini bar but still full. The larger beer bottles on the floor were a different story. “Didn’t I tell you I was showing up? Why are you drinking?” His eyes scanned the room. “How’d you get the room to yourself?” Jon couldn’t handle the questions, shooting a glare at the tattooed one. “I booked it. I wanted to be alone. Didn’t you see what happened? The Shield’s over. They gave us some bullshit storyline and Seth’s getting a heel push and… everything… everything sucks.” The venting made it clear that alone time wasn’t what the younger man wanted. Sometimes it was easy to overlook just how fragile his puppy was. “That sucks. C'mere.” He sat on the bed and forced the other with him. Taking the gum from his mouth, it was place in Dean’s. “Chew. I’m not kissing a beer tap tonight.” The other began to chew through the mint while Punk continued to talk. “The company is screwed up. They do what they want to get their rocks off and if it ‘shakes things up’ they think it’ll always work in their favor.” It was a big deciding factor to walking when he did. “Speaking of getting off…” His lips climbed slowly up the blond’s neck to seek out the earring he’d sell his soul for.

Jon groaned with a crack of a whimper. It wasn’t exactly his normal needy whimper but it uncharacteristically fit him. It was sweet and broken with a little sense of hope. If it didn’t break his heart, he’d want a ringtone of it. The black lettering of ‘free’ was tangled in the drying strands in a sort of petting stroke. A path was pulled back down the pulsing flesh by his teeth. There was a light stubble challenging the smooth baby face appearance he had on screen. It was only suppose to be a playful little nip but licking over the skin was a teasing taste and soon a bite was placed over the shoulder well. The sexual side of his mind took over before he realized Dean had happily sighed and he was sucking at wet copper because the skin had broke. Letting the moment wash over him, he moaned against the raising drops pumping from the superstar’s heart. Cameras were hell in the business. Any marks left by relationships were 'requested’ to stay covered so Punk got some acupuncture lessons and Dean’s thicker vest usually covered it. Getting too lost in his head was always a downfall around Jon and tonight was no different as he was pushed back on the bed and the flavor was lost. The sadness had fell to anger in the blues looking at him. He loved the kicked puppy look on the kid but it was only one of many looks he had. And, as long as it wasn’t anger towards him, it was actually hot to see. So hot that he didn’t mind the zipper of his hoodie being torn off the chain or the short nails that clawed up his torso while his shirt was pushed up.

The glowing red lines formed from the 'straight edge’ ink to rake upwards to the responsive nipples. The tattoos and the emotional pain Dean had been feeling came out with another claw down the unchanged body. Punk might have said he was doing something with the time off but there was no visible changes from the last time they were together. Part of Dean hated him or that but most of him needed something constant to help stabilize his world. Tears burned his eyes before they were hidden with a duck of his head. Eye level with the 'vomit wave from the skull’ tattoo; Dean smirked. Voicing the thought on the design cost him the front seat a few years ago but after being happy to nap in the back, the design flaw had been mentioned without consequences. Maybe Punk noticed how much the kid liked it.

-Flashback- Sitting at lunch with Paul and Colby, the two were talking about being a 'street mutt’. It hadn’t been an argument because they were laughing as they threw insults at each other. Leaving Seth to wonder and Paul to a call. “If people only heard you two- they’d think you would end up killing each other.” At the time, Seth pushed back his blond patch. “I may be a street mutt but he loves me.” Phil looked up at the words with a shrug. “I like the earring, the face just came as a package deal.” Dean smiled. “I like the puking skull and got stuck with the body.” They were minor details but said everything about their relationships. It wasn’t about money or fame- they liked the little things that made the other who he was.

Dean licked down the surfaced blood begging to escape until he reached the jeans. “What happened to me being in charge?” Light brown eyes glanced down in question. Without a word, the street dog undid the button. “You could’ve said you wanted the lead. I don’t mind letting you do the work.” The casual attitude struck a nerve with Jon. Now the man had learned to go with the flow? He couldn’t have known that lesson four months ago? Fed up with it, his knees trapped the other’s hips as he sat on against on Phil’s thighs. His palms were press hard along the Chicagoan’s chest until a his attention was back on the pecs. Pinching sweetly soon turned rough as his wrist was turned. It would have been painful but sadomasochism was common ground for their relationship. “That long drive tire you out, old man?” Punk’s back arched a little higher out of strategy as his hand wrapped around Ambrose’s arm to force him on the bed. “Not too tired to best you, kid.” Jon rolled his eyes before leaning up on an elbow only to be pushed back down. Blues sparked downwards to where Punk’s hands were finishing the job of undoing his pants. “Say it, Ambrose.” His cock was pulled out. “Tell me I’m still the best in the world.” Dean licked his lips and tried to turn over to his stomach. “Say it.” Jon started with his own jeans. “Prove you are.” The challenge was made. Thankfully, he was able to undo his pants before he spoke. Feeling an arm press against his neck and a hand grab the back of his jeans, the blond lifted his hips in anticipation of the pull at them that followed.

Feeling the hands on him was nothing compared to the scruff scrapping against the back of his thighs as Punk ran his tongue slowly over his hole. "Fuck you. You're taking too long." Phil stopped and knelt up from his work. "I'm trying to be loving, prick." Jon rolled his stomach up and his ass back impatiently. "If I wanted loving, I would have done it myself and finished with a mouthful of Skittles." The Chicagoan shook his head before spitting down at the puckered opening. "Next time you're expecting me to rim you, I'm gonna remind you were were too much of a brat to have me do it now." As he spoke, his knees dipped into the bed between Dean's legs. "Anyone tell you you talk too much?" The head of his cock was held against the glob of saliva. "Everyday of my life." Pushing past the resistance, Dean's body immediately gave to the slightly lighter weight of Punk's. A happy huff escaped the blond.

The first couple of thrusts were used as a trap to get Jon to react. It was little things to start with. There was more of an effort to look back. Then a hand reached back to try to pull Phil closer against him. The counterattack to being grabbed at was the artful hands pinning the lunatic's touch to the bed. "Ambrose..." A displeased tone didn't completely conceal the sex clinging from it. Knowing it was getting to Punk more than he ever wanted to let on, Dean jerked his hips in rhythm to meet back against Phil. The speed was about to earn the younger one a some of the control when the designed fingers met on Jon's lower back. Pushing the Superstar to the mattress, the free talent slowed to an agonizing pace. "What'd I just say?" The pelvis wiggled to get free but the action worked against him causing the momentary sub to drop his head with a whimper. Still didn't stop him from being a smart ass. "My stage name?" A deep laugh gave the Ohioan a pass and the pace picked up again.

-Skip because writing sex scenes by yourself gets repetitive and boring-

As the moans and grunts continued, Punk's thrust became more erratic and they both knew he was close. Bringing a knee to the outside of Dean's body, his position twisted enough to plunge a little deeper. "FUCK!" Dean's hand was free to dig into the knee along his side. The warmth was in volumes both inside him and angled on his stomach as they both came. Dry spasms and chest heaving, Punk dropped to the bed to reach for his shirt. "It's like I'm being punished." As happy as Jon looked, he sounded that sad. "Huh?" A clothed fist stroked down his cock to clean himself but he stopped at the vocalized feelings. "You left, they're taking away The Shield, everything's different. They didn't even give me time." The fabric was laid over his thigh and an arm brought the other form in a hug. He hadn't thought about it. When Dean had started complaining, Punk figured it was all work. Though when he thought through it, The Shield hadn't even been on the main roster for 500 days before he left the company. And now, 127 days later- the kid was losing all of his comfort zones. "I'm sorry." Dean smiled and cuddled closer. "I get it. It's not okay and I'm not gonna say I'm fine with it but I get it."

[louryanalarcon]

Thoughts on The Rise of Skywalker

That was not a good ending, and I’ll tell you why. Careful: spoilers for Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker ahead:

Ben Solo should not have died. Call me crazy, but I am truly a sucker for a happily ever after – especially when it involves Rey and Ben Solo. But the Disney Gods simply would not give it to us. I can already hear it now, “Kylo Ren was responsible for thousands of deaths across the galaxy. This is what he deserves.” Give me a break. Please spare me all this bullshite about Kylo Ren having to pay the ultimate price in order to be fully redeemed. That is just piss-poor, lazy film writing. Redemption does not always have to end in death! Damn it! Besides, “Kylo Ren” died. Yes, he died figuratively – but it lends to the story. Follow it. Ben Solo returns. And he must make things right again. Why then must Ben Solo have to die for this redemption to mean anything? Got damnit.

Look at this from Rey’s perspective. All she ever wanted was a family – through and through! Her literal entire character revolves around her chasing after her lost parents and finding her identity. How is killing off the one person she finds a connection with, in the entire galaxy, a good idea for her arc? How does that provide any closure or even any sympathy for her character? Rey’s story ends with her alone on a desert planet – pretty much exactly where she started! Good Lord, I shed a tear for her.

Sure, they kiss. And… it’s beautiful. And dare I say, for a split second, I forgive JJ Abrams and Disney for this terribly paced, jumbled mess of an ending. Because in that split second, love prevails. Ben does what his grandfather, Anakin, sought out and failed to do – save the woman he loves. Why do you have to take this away from us? What unwritten rule states that only death can pay for full redemption? Why couldn’t they go the unique route of seeking redemption not in death, but in life? What lesson are we learning here after all? I hate this trope of having death as the end-all to solve all our problems – to put a bow on everything… it’s just tired and does not show true redemption. A true redemption is making amends. We could have had an ending with Rey and Ben training a new school of Jedi knights, whilst surrounded by their twin children – continuing the Skywalker bloodline. This ending is twofold. It continues the bloodline and partly makes amends for Ben Solo as he trains the new generation of Jedi. Guys… It’s right there…

What good does the ending we got serve? The Skywalker bloodline ends (truly) with the death of Ben Solo. I understand Rey states she is a Skywalker but come on guys. She isn’t. But here’s the thing: she could have been – with Ben. I mean come on! It’s right there!

…

I’ve been stewing on this for a little over a week now as you may be able to tell. I haven’t been this enraged by the conclusion of one of my favorite series since Game of Thrones. This isn’t nearly as bad, but still. It’s bad. One might interpret this as the pissed-off ramblings from a hardcore Reylo shipper. And to those people – those stone-hearted heathens, I say, “What’s so bad about wanting a happily ever after?”

Listen, let me level with you all. I’m new to the fandom, (having come in with the sequel trilogy). So, I am in the minority by being obviously invested in the characters of the sequel trilogy: mostly Rey and Kylo, but also Finn and I guess Poe. Side note, Rose being relegated to basically a cameo character is pretty sad, considering her large role in The Last Jedi. But hey, I didn’t really care much for her anyways. Truthfully, I feel worse for Finn because he’s made out to be the bad guy here. He doesn’t even acknowledge Rose or their fateful kiss in the previous film. Hell, it’s like it didn’t even happen. What’s worse, when he wasn’t ignoring the one girl who loved him, he was chasing after the scavenger girl and yelling her name every five seconds. I don’t get it. And then they bring in this new character, Jannah, who has ties with Lando. But like… who cares? Listen, Jannah was fine, but couldn’t her lines have been given to Rose, an already established character? Why continue to introduce new characters we won’t give a damn for?

This movie was two and a half hours long but should have been three. It would have benefitted immensely from taking a moment to just breathe. Let the characters talk and carry this film, instead of having them run around the galaxy like we’re in a video game. I did not appreciate it at the time, but what The Last Jedi does right compared to Rise of Skywalker is its ability to communicate. Reylo shippers loved The Last Jedi for its intimacy and force bond connection between its star-crossed lovers, Kylo Ren and Rey. As I look back at it, I appreciate it now even more. This emphasis on the “dyad” is what this film is severely lacking. The Rise of Skywalker absolutely refuses to love its main characters, Rey and Kylo, in favor of the original trilogy’s Luke and Leia. Why did they decide to end the sequel trilogy with an ending meant for the heroes of past? What about our heroes of this generation? What about our happily ever after?

…

Okay, enough Star Wars. I just needed an outlet to vent out my frustrations on the death of Ben Solo. Hi everyone. Happy new year. 2019 was quite the year, wouldn’t you say? I graduated college! I look forward to what 2020 – and this new decade – will bring to my life. It’s a blank slate with whole new horizons waiting for me. I am both equally excited and scared. As I’ve said before, this is the first time in my life that I’m not in school. As such, there is a lot of uncertainty and hidden pressure to continue moving forward. Some days can be harder than others. Most days seem to bleed into the next. But no matter the uncertainty, I remain thankful. I’m thankful for my health, my family, and the opportunities that come my way.

I started this tumblr back in November of 2017. Now, it’s January 2020. My plan is to continue on for as long as I can. I may not update as consistently as I’d like to, but when I am in the mood, or I feel like I have something worthy to share, I will always try my best to find my way back to you – just as Ben Solo did for Rey.

[sathtrash]

I just watched the second part of Markiplier’s ‘Emily is Away Too’ playthrough (in which he gets the Evelyn-Bad End I guess) and the interactions leading up to the ending with Emily, followed by the ending argument with Evelyn (in which she basically forces the player character to end their relationship) reminded me wayyy too much of fights with my emotionally abusive ex-best friend and it’s got me Fucked Up. Like I’ve been doing well withdealing with that for awhile now (I stopped talking to her last year in late March, and it took me forever to deal with that and move on), but watching those interactions, Emily getting mad at Mark’s character for not immediately replying to her when she was Drunk and Demanding, and then her telling Evelyn about his differing answers about wanting a family (Mark told Emily he wasn’t sure he wanted one yet, and told Evelyn he wanted one eventually) when she was mad at him and was purposefully trying to sabotage their relationship, it all reminded me way too much of that ‘friendship’ I had once. 

She would get upset with me on skype calls if I didn’t immediately ask her about her day, she would pick fights with me if I was late getting home without telling her (she lives in a different time zone than me, her in Europe, me on the East cost of North America), and she would get upset with me if I ever went out somewhere with friends for more than a couple hours, and basically didn’t let me stay over at anyone else’s house unless I had my laptop so we could talk since I didn’t have a phone at the time (and god damn am I glad I didn’t get a phone until after we stopped talking because if she’d been able to text me I would have had to change numbers to get her to stop harassing me), she even got mad at me once because I didn’t always look her directly in the eyes when we talked, I’m not good with eye contact for prolonged periods, it makes me feel restless and studied and really uncomfortable and she knew that. She would ask me for advice (like Emily asks the player character) and then get mad at me if I didn’t tell her what she wanted to hear (like at one time just before we stopped talking she was seeing this guy and I told her that he was an asshole and she deserved better because all he wanted to do when she was around was make out and smoke weed, and she didn’t like the weed bit, and because I didn’t ‘support her decision to be with him’ I was a bad friend). I’ve had to block her and her sister on all possible social media because she was harassing me, and when she was blocked and couldn’t get to me she sent her sister after me. And basically after watching that Evelyn-Bad End situation play out all I can fucking think about is the way I was treated and how I KNOW what it’s like to be in the player characters shoes (if he were real) and it feels like shit, being in that position sucks and there’s fuck all you can do about it, and in the end even if you were in the right, or did nothing wrong, manipulators and narcissists (like Emily in that game-line) will try their very best to make you feel like garbage about it for the rest of your life. It’s been over a year since I last spoke to her and I still wonder sometimes like ‘What if I had just apologized, I know I didn’t do anything but what if?’ or ‘What if I had agreed with her about X-thing? Would things have still gone this way?’ and for a long time the Skype notification sound made my heart race with anxiety because I was always walking on eggshells with her, even after I ended things the Skype sound still scared me for a long time, and sometimes if it’s quiet and I’m not doing anything and not expecting it I still jump and my heart races and I have a moment of ‘What is the fight today?’ even though she’s been blocked on Skype for over a year. That kind of thing messes a person up, and I don’t know if that’s what the guy that made Emily is Away Too meant to do or not, but when I started watching Mark’s playthrough I didn’t expect to feel like this about it, it’s just brought back to the surface all those doubts and trust issues and insecurities for me that came from being in an emotionally abusive friendship. I’ve been able to deal with them, but I still have a hard time trusting new people in my life with deep shit even months into a friendship, and even when I’m super comfortable being the Mom and letting those friends vent to me about personal stuff I’m still hesitant to go beyond a ‘Oh I’m just feeling off/anxious/sad today if they ask what’s wrong, because that ex-best friend taught me that her needs came first, and that her issues were more important, and that mine were nothing because I was in high school and she was an Adult, what could I POSSIBLY have to deal with and stress about because I haven’t even TASTED adulthood yet. And I still struggle with that, I’m happy to play therapist for my friends and let them yell and vent and cry it out, but I can’t do that. There are three people who I feel fully safe to vent about EVERYTHING to, my best friend of nearly a decade (I’ve talked about her a lot on here, I often refer to her as my Wife for reference), another close friend called Laurie, and my mom, and like tonight, when it’s really late (for me) and they’re not available because they’re asleep I end up writing these long emotional Read More posts because I just need to GET IT OUT of my system and I know most of you don’t read my personal stuff anyways so it feels safe to yell here too because I can always delete it later when I get embarrassed about being whingey at 2:30 in the morning over something that seems so minor in the grad-scheme of like abuse? Because I can acknowledge that it did a number on me, but so many people experience way worse stuff and I always feel like I have no right to talk about it because my brain tells me It Wasn’t So Bad Compared to Others because she was just manipulative and passive aggressive, but it really fucked me up, and just watching the way that particular ending of a fucking video game went has brought it all back to the surface and I wish I could just forget about all of it and move on but I still can’t somehow and it makes me feel like garbage because all I want is to be a normal young adult who doesn’t have issues trusting new friends, and who isn’t wary of possible partners manipulating me because I (I guess in my opinion?) am a kind person. All I want is to go back to 14 year old Kat in 9th grade who joined a group on Chatzy for Marauders RP, and tell her to just back out, because while getting to RP as a sassy teen Remus Lupin was fun it wasn’t going to be worth the next three years of consistent passive aggression, monthly (or even weekly) fights, started by her without me having done anything wrong, all the trust issues, the tears shed, the sleepless, anxious nights knowing she was angry at me but not knowing why or what I had done, all the mornings where I’d get up at six am for school on four hours of sleep because I had been too upset to sleep because she had started Something the night before a few hours before she went to bed. None of that was worth what I got out of it, a fairweather best friend who, instead of comforting me during my first breakup, said ‘I told you so’, who belittled my relationship with my first partner, and made threats on fb messenger to my second partner. I gave her everything I could and tried to be the best friend I could possibly be for her, I gave her so much I was even scared to call other people I considered best friends a best friend, even if I wasn’t around her, because I thought it’d upset her if I had multiple best friends, everything I did for three years was to try and be a good friend for her, and all I get in return is trust issues, relationship anxiety that is at 100% capacity at all times, a vague distrust of the Skype notification sound on desktop, and brutalized self-esteem when it comes to thinking my friends actually like me, because of the way she treated me I have genuine trouble believing that my friends are really my friends sometimes, and I get triggered into feeling this way, sad and confused and upset, by a fucking video game that simulates an AOL chat with some girls the player character knows. 

All because of one person. And no matter what I do I can’t escape it, it just keeps coming back to me, and I know that’s how she would want me to feel, trapped and upset and alone, and it feels like even though I ended the friendship, I got out, that she still won. And I hate it. Because all I wanted to do was be a good friend to her, and I feel like she destroyed me, and I can’t get back up again after, it’s been over a year and I still feel like I’m picking up the pieces from what she did to me. I’m lucky to have the friends I do, and my mom, because they’re ones who know about the situation with that ex-friend and they get it and they’ve helped as much as they can, but sometimes it’s all I can do to try and keep moving and not think about her, because I can never get back the girl I was before I met her, and I can never feel like a whole person again because she wrecked me. And no matter what she still won, I might have gotten out, but she still won. And I hate that a fucking video game someone ELSE PLAYED is bringing all of this up for me again.