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ellieclaireblack · 3 months

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sanctuaire | sanctuary

sanctuary | noun your safe and peaceful haven a comforting place of refuge and rest in a noisy, chaotic world

{brother's best friend | fem!reader x james potter} ⪼ warnings: mentions of abuse, panic attack, disorderd eating ⪼ word count: 2k

part two: unforgivables playlist

story: sanctuaire | sanctuary

“What in the world is going on?” I got awoken by a shout and shot up. James beside me stirred and we were faced with Sirius’ face in ours.

“What are you doing here?” my twin brother faced me.

“Sirius, I can explain.” I got up from the bed, but Sirius was already walking away, clearly hurt. I didn’t see any reasoning behind his actions but there was no way to stop him. Shouting his name several times helped nothing, except for waking even Peter, who was sleeping like the dead normally.

I sank to the floor and put my face in my palms. Suddenly two lanky arms wrapped around me. “Hey don’t despair, he’s going to calm down. You know how he gets and he’s hurt too.” Remus told me. “The two of you just need to talk.” James spoke up from the bed.

“Yeah but he’ll have to come to me, I definitely won’t make the first step. Not after him overreacting like that.” I told the two still feeling hurt. It wasn’t just Sirius not wanting to listen to me. There was just so much bottled up rage and fear inside of me. Fear that we might not surpass this, that our relationship might never be fixed again. Rage that my mother was such a terrible person, that my dad didn’t do anything against her. It was incredibly frustrating knowing you couldn’t help the one person you looked up most to, even more frustrating not being able to talk to that person even if you needed their opinion most.

“y/n please don’t be as stubborn as him, you know that way you’ll never get over this.”

“Believe me Rem I’m trying. Now I’ve got to get back to my dorm. I need to make myself ready for school.”

“Wait, I'll bring you down with my Invisibility Cloak so nobody gets suspicious of you wandering around in your pajamas.” I looked down at my body and realized what I was wearing, the cut of my pajamas was revealing quite a lot of my cleavage and due to the cold my nipples poked through the fabric. I crossed my hands over my chest and nodded at James to get up. He got the cue and we made our way to the dungeons.

“Nightbane” I whispered the password to the common room, squeezed James’ arm and slipped inside knowing I would see him later.

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I went up to my room and quickly got dressed, since it was a school day I wore the school uniform. In the bathroom I met Flo who looked like she was about to throw up on me.

“Bonjour, qu'est-ce qui ne va pas chez vous? [Good morning, what’s wrong with you?]” I asked her switching into French, all children of the Sacred 28 spoke it fluently and sometimes we would switch into talking it without noticing.

Flo made a sound that sounded close to hurling and pressed out “Sick.”

“Merde! [Shit] Give me 5 and I’ll get you to the infirmary.” I exclaimed and proceeded to make my hair via a few spells and brush my teeth. Applying perfume was the last step.

Then I grabbed Florence’s hands and pulled her up. With most of her weight leaning on me I quickly fetched my bag filled with school essentials and we were on the way to the infirmary.

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After I left Flo in Madam Pomfrey’s hands I made my way to the great hall. I found Theo and Adam and sat beside them. I sipped on my tea when I felt eyes staring at me. I deduced it was my twin brother and his entourage. Not shooting Sirius another look I got up again not having touched my toast and made my way to our first class of the day.

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Miss Aurelia Granville, a former auror, taught the Defence against the Dark Arts class. Consisting of Gryffindor and Slytherin. Can you believe my bad luck?

Beside me was an empty seat, that’s where Flo usually sat. The first day back and she was already sick I couldn’t endure the day without her. The scraping of a chair startled me and I looked up to find James’ boyish grin smiling at me. The corner of my mouth quirked up but fell down as soon as I saw my brother behind him. It turned into a frown when I realized a few of my fellow Slytherins would report me sitting next to a Gryffindor to my dearest mother.

James sat down nonetheless and before I could protest Professor Granville entered the room. "Good morning class. I hope you had an amazing holiday. Today we're going to talk about the Unforgivable Curses."

In half a second all of the color drained from my face. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and my heart beat so fast that it hurt. Every curse my mother threw at me came crashing down. Every part of my body ached feeling the strike of the Cruciatus Curse on my body.

"First of all can anyone tell me how many unforgivable curses are." "Three Miss." Remus answered. "That's correct, Mr Lupin."

"And who can tell how those three are called?" Everyone remained silent not wanting to speak up and saying those three words, scared it would have an effect on the speaker itself. “No one? Come, Miss Black I know you know this."

My eyes shot uo. Why of all the students did she have to pick me? "There's the Avada Kedavra curse, for instantaneous death. The Imperio curse, for total control. And-'' My fingers shook violently now. "The Cru-Crucio curse, for excruciating pain." "Well done Miss Black. 10 points to Slytherin."

I hid my hands under the desk, but it was too late. James had already seen them. Tears were forming in my eyes and James grew more anxious by the second. It felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. Minutes passed and the only thing I heard was the blood rushing in my ears. I could see Professor Granvilles lips moving but couldn’t understand a single she was saying.

I had to get out of here. "Professor Granville?" I said raising my hand, doing my best to keep it from shaking. "May I be excused for a moment." With a nod from her I shot up and hurried out of the classroom.

Running now, the tears were streaming down my face and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I hid in a corner trying to even my breath. Nothing worked. Over the last few years panic attacks were nothing unusual for me, but not at Hogwarts. This was the only place where I felt safe, except when the reminder of reality got to me in the form of letters from my parents.

Time seemed to stop moving and I still couldn't stop shaking. Suddenly I felt a hand on my arm. Looking up I spotted James. Worry and concern etched into his features. "y/n, what's going on? Please talk to me." He pleaded.

When he realized I couldn't answer him, because I was having a panic attack he knelt down on the ground in front of me and took my face into his hands. "Mimic my breathing. Come on, you've got this." I did as he told me and slowly felt like I could talk again.

"Tell me five things you see come on."

"You..., a window, my shoes, the ground..., a painting." I slowly got out. "You're doing great love. Five things you hear come on." "You, my heart, the clock ticking, uh- the wind outside and—and the steps of the other students." "Amazing y/n, are you okay again?"

"Yes I uh think so. Thank you J." He pulled me into a hug holding me close.

The bell rang and I realized I missed the whole lesson, that's probably why James went looking for me. All of a sudden Sirius was standing in front of us. Looking just as worried as James earlier.

“What the hell did she do to you?” He nearly shouted, I winced at his loud words and some more tears spilled down my cheeks.

Sirius crouched down beside me and took both of my hands into his. Looking me deep into my eyes he told me “y/n tell me this instant before I lose my mind, please.” James shot confused glances between us.

“I, Sirius, I- can’t.” Was all I got out squeezing his hands slightly. Overwhelmed from all the crying and memories rushing over me. Overwhelmed from being so close to my brother again. My everything, even though I never meant the same to him, he’s the person I’d move mountains for.

“James, could you leave us for a minute” Sirius told his best friend and James shot up and was gone so quickly you could think he’d never been there. Now it was just Sirius and I in the little alcove. Luckily it was so secluded that nobody was able to spot us. I couldn’t have the whole school seeing me having a breakdown.

“Come on now, Dimples. It’s just the two of us.” He said, calling me by his childhood nickname for me.

I took a few deep breaths steading me. “The night- uh when you.. left. Walburga went berserk. Never in my life have I been so scared of her. She banned Reggie to his room thank god and then took most of her anger out on me. She threw some Unforgivables in the mix and today just brought back a lot of memories I guess.”

Sirius looked stunned for a moment before he gathered himself to answer me. “I- oh god. y/n/n I can’t believe she did that. I mean I’m used to a few curses from her, but Unforgivables. I- it’s all my fault and I’m so sorry. But you know I couldn’t have stayed any longer. She-”

“I know how she is. I get it, believe me I do. What I don’t get is why you couldn’t tell me you were leaving. Would it have been so hard? I know I don’t stand a chance against James. From the moment you met him, he was the sibling you never had. But guess what you have two siblings. You were Reggie’s and my role model growing up, never backing down from Walburga. I get it was hard and when you finally found James you could just forget about Reg and me for some time. I know how hard everything was for you. But that doesn’t justify your actions.”

“You really think that?” A tiny nod from me was all it took for him. I could see his heart break right then and there. Millions of tiny splinters. Years of realization washing over him. “Oh. Oh y/n. You can’t be for real. You and Reg were always my priority. James may be my brother in spirit, but the two of you- I could never not for one minute forget about you. Since day one you’ve been a part of me, infused in my every vain and the day Reggie was born even at two years old I vowed myself to always love and protect him. I never wanted to make you feel like I loved you less, when the both of you are the people I love most in this entire world.”

A tear spilled from his cheek, mirroring my feelings. To all the people saying communication is key. Wow. One talk and years of insecurity and doubt faded into the background. I reached out and hugged my twin as hard as I could. Never wanting to let go again. He reciprocated the embrace and we spent some minutes sitting there. The worries about our parents, our differences, our fight being unimportant for now.

a/n: i'm back guys. did you miss me? i haven't been inspired lately and incredibly stressed but i finally got back today. i'll try to upload another part maybe even today (i'm in a flow rn) xoxo and lots of love ellie <3 p.s. it's only half proof read so i hope i didn't make any mistakes