#save me from myself and my impulsive habits

[bettsfic]

Have you written about kicking your phone addiction? I'm half way there but I'm interested in hearing other people's experience.

i have! but as always it's a long, meandering post of self-reflection and egregious declaration that basically boils down to: remove your phone's positive reinforcement and replace it with different positive reinforcement. (the post is more about social media than phone usage, but there's a lot of overlap.)

relevant excerpt:

the thing about getting away from social media is that it’s slow. i don’t think you can really go cold turkey. when i got home from the residency, i went on a long hiatus and had all these strict rules for myself about when i was allowed to look at my phone and when i wasn’t, but that didn’t really work for me. but i did delete all the social media apps from my phone, and on my computer i logged out of all of them and deleted my saved passwords, so if i wanted to check them, i had to go to that extra step of logging in and even typing in my password. and that doesn’t seem like a lot, but when you’re checking social media out of habit, muscle memory, something to attend to that might give you a brief blip of dopamine, having to type your password is just one step too far. the brief pleasure i would get from checking my notifications was less than the hassle of logging in. and that’s what it all comes down to: feeling good. in the moment, it feels good to check a social media app, to see that somebody has interacted with your content or maybe with you directly. it’s that tiny subconscious exclamation point, the feeling we get when somebody politely smiles or waves at us, when a dog comes up to us wagging his tail, when a well-meaning stranger compliments your outfit. that’s the social part of social media. but that’s also the part that keeps us cycling through our apps out of habit and boredom. so you have to take away that stimulus from yourself, and you have to create positive stimuli elsewhere. to take away the positive stimulus of social media, you have to stop posting content on it. content is the mind killer. when you tweet something, your impulse might be to check that someone has interacted with it. but if you step away from the great conversation of social media, nobody speaks back to you, and you develop more patience for the longer-term good feelings of reading a book.

one year update to this post:

i intended to share a screencap of my average daily phone use, which is around ~30 minutes, but uh. i don't remember where i put my phone.

my mentality has continued to be "replace glowing screens with sensory/tactile satisfaction" and that's worked really well for me. so well that i wrote a newsletter about it last month.

[yandere-yearnings]

I won't keep this up for very long, but I think I do owe it to all my mutuals, followers and those who'd just browse on occasion or who found a safe space in this blog.

My previous account under the same name disappeared about a week ago, and it was sudden enough that I'm sure some of you may have chalked it up to Tumblr deactivating it. In actuality, it was because I deleted it myself.

I haven't been in the best mental state as of recently, even before I first started the blog, but I thought things would get better over time. My intention isn't to turn this into a rant or vent, so I won't expand but, I think all the self-imposed pressure I was placing on myself to write, paired with other factors had just pushed me to the point of breaking. I had a panic attack, and didn't give myself the time to calm down and think things through after, when I had decided to just give up.

My biggest regret is not making at least one final post, because I know how jarring it can be to have someone there one second, and find out they're gone the next. I can't imagine the worry I put some of my friends on here through, nor can I ever apologise enough that I still won't feel guilty.

I have a habit of leaving abruptly like that when I'm overwhelmed. Every time I promise myself I won't do it again, I end up breaking it. At the very least, this time, I'll try and have realistic expectations of myself and take breaks when I need them instead of impulsively deleting weeks and months of time and effort.

It's ironic to me because I'm the type of person who saves every single thing I write just in case anything happens, but I didn't do that with most of the content that I had on this blog — because I wasn't expecting things to turn out this way. Some of my works are probably still floating around Tumblr thanks to reblogs, so if anyone sees anything and lets me know, it'd help me find them again. For the most part, I'll probably have to start over from scratch anyway.

Unfortunately, all my unanswered asks are also gone, and I had a lot of them. I'll try to put out things for the ones I can remember somewhat. If you've sent any in that I never came around to, you're free to send them in again if you still want a response.

This got lengthier than I anticipated, but I hope it was a sufficient enough explanation. I'm sincerely sorry for any distress or just negative feelings I may have caused. I'm sorry to my mutuals who I left without even trying to talk to. I'm sorry that I took away a safe space for some of my followers, because I used to get the sweetest messages about how my writing helped and how my ocs would make everything feel less lonely. I truly hope this can become a place like that again. I'm gonna try my absolute best.

[animeyanderetalker]

So you finished enies lobby eh? How’s ur one piece journey so far, and do you have any brief thoughts on the straw hats (so far)?

I’m giving you my honest review here because as much as I like the series so far, I also have my fair share of stuff I don’t enjoy.

I adore the world in One Piece. I’ve been a big fan of Pirates of the Caribbean as a child and I have always wished back then that I would see Jack Sparrow exploring all mysterious islands and finding all treasures. I got that with One Piece but even better. Each island feels unique and whilst there are definitely pacing problems at times even this early for me, I do love the aspects of exploring each individual island and learning about the rules, the environment and the life of the people calling it their home. I know that the Skypiea Arc isn’t that beloved amongst Anime fans but I really loved the arc due to the unique and interesting setting the island in the sky had. From its past to the inventions to the way people live in the sky, everything has so much personality and that has been the case with every major island so far. The sense of adventure and curiosity I always get whilst getting to know a new island is really addictive and I love the foreshadowing. The fact that the end of the Going Merry had already been hinted during the Skypiea Arc but was only revealed during the Water 7 Arc is insane and from what I have heard, Oda is great in foreshadowing and I’m looking forward to that.

What I find myself struggling with, and I don’t know if the Anime is partially exaggerating this sometimes, are the characters itself at times and the, in my opinion, lukewarm comedy that gets very repetitive and boring after a while.

Luffy:

I am actively struggling with the main character at times. Luffy is quite carefree, impulsive and does whatever he wants and it is not even that this is what I dislike about him. He has such heartfelt moments such as giving Nami his straw hat during the Arlong Park Arc despite the hat being a treasure for him or him defending the pirate flag of Chopper during the Drum Island Arc. It’s just that he sometimes is portrayed as so amazingly incompetent and stupid that I am agonizing over it. How can you get stuck twice within the same arc in between two walls and then spend episodes there whilst your friends are trying to save Robin?? Him being a glutton is expected, older Shounen protagonists just seem to have a habit of having a black hole instead of a stomach. I also still don’t understand how he learnt Gear 2 and 3 in such a short time considering that I cannot recall a time where he had time to properly train.

Roronoa Zoro:

I have very little to criticize about Zoro. Luckily his character gag of always getting lost isn’t something that is thrown into my face every episode so I can tolerate it. He’s a man of honor and I like seeing him on screen, but I’m still waiting for that one moment of him where I go from liking him to loving him. I also feel like he suffered in the Enies Lobby Arc from being paired with uninteresting opponents to fight against (Kaku and Jabra).

Nami:

I love and hate Nami at the same time. But the reason why I hate her isn’t even her own fault. As a character I love how she isn’t someone who is actively fighting and has admittedly not the most interesting fights but without her literally nothing would work. As a navigator she is irreplaceable and without her skills the Straw Hats would go nowhere. Her backstory was also heartbreaking but Oda seems quite skillful when it comes to writing a good and tragic backstory. The reason why I hate her though is because she has become more and more a victim of sexualization the further the story has progressed and I just know that it’ll get even worse. I have seen the pictures of her after the timeskip and it is so infuriating because she didn’t look like this at the beginning of the story. The freaking scene in the Arabasta Arc where she was sexualized from a camel and a crab was a different low for me because it’s the first time I have seen animals thirsting over a female character.

Usopp:

Usopp is a character I also find myself struggling with. On the one hand his creativity and his craftsmanship are to be admired. This is a man who invented Nami’s Clima-Tact and was the shipwright before Franky joined. On the other hand his character gags of being the big coward can get a little bit tiring after a while for me. I really loved the Water 7 Arc because it showed him in a much more serious light which was a nice change for once. And I am going to be quite honest here with you, I did not enjoy the whole Sogeking sequence. I understand that he was too ashamed to face his friends after he had left the crew but it got a tad bit annoying to me after a while. I was also not surprised that Luffy and Chopper were the only ones who didn’t recognize him in his disguise.

Vinsmoke Sanji:

I actually really enjoyed Sanji’s character when he was first introduced. I admired his ideology of not letting anyone starve due to his own experience of being stranded on an island without much food and the relationship he had going on with Zeff and the other chefs was heartwarming. However, his simp character has significantly increased since then to the point where it has gotten frustrating and annoying. I remember that scene in the Skypiea Arc where the Going Merry was kidnapped with a few crew members still onboard. And the first thing that left Sanji’s mouth then was that he was disappointed that Nami wasn’t in bikini anymore. I think that is the moment where I started not liking his character as much anymore and from what I have heard, it’ll become a lot more worse. It’s really disappointing in my opinion because he could be such a cool character but around women he is always reduced to a simp with heart eyes.

Tony Tony Chopper:

Chopper is adorable and I love his versatile forms he can use with his Rumble Ball. But I just wish that the show would actually give him more recognition because the 50 Berries he has on his head as of now and the fact that he was called a pet on those wanted posters is saddening. Because not only can he actually fight because he took down one of the CP9 members but he is the doctor of the ship and fulfills such an important role because of it. He is more than just a cute little animal and I hope that will be more recognized.

Nico Robin:

Robin is as of now my favorite character and I have literally nothing I can criticize about her. She is intelligent, her backstory is my favorite as of now and I love how her character also shows that it isn’t only pure strength alone that can be dangerous in the eyes of others but also intelligence. She was wanted for simply knowing how to read Poneglyphs. I’m also happy that she hasn’t been sexualized in the Anime so far and I pray to god that she won’t get the Nami treatment later on. I also love her dark and blunt sense of humor.

Franky:

Franky is incredibly likable. He is as of now the newest member of the Straw Hats so I have not as much to say about him but he is also a well built character with a nice introduction. The relationship he had going on with Iceberg and his past with Tom were well written and despite his rowdy experience he has a heart made out of gold. The fact that he took all outsiders in Water 7 under his wings and gave them a new home and purpose says really all you need to know about him and I’m looking forward to seeing more of him.

[tokoyamisstuff]

Dystychiphobia (n.) - the fear of hurting someone

Synopsis: The side-effects of the SEP program and Reaper's poor impulse control make for a very dangerous mixture.

Warnings: Angst, Cussing, Self-Loathing, Alcohol, Smut, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Dirty Talk Notes: Talon Researcher! Reader, Slow Burn, Size Difference Words: 7200, got a little carried away.

"Calm me down with your caress I'll get off while I watch you undress Maybe the sex will help me to forget A precious, transient, schizophrenic bliss

Oh, my god, you're beautiful Why do you stay with this neurotic fool?

I've lost control, please save me from myself" - IAMX: Insomnia

There it was - that damned smile again.

Reaper immediately became week-kneed at the sight, sinking down on the chair reserved only for patients at the examination room.

Admittedly, ever since you had joined Moira's research team, Reaper's obligatory visits at her laboratory became somewhat more bearable.

However, the more time passed and the two of you grew closer through the time you were required to spend together, being alone with you felt like bittersweet torture for the lonely man.

"Good morning, Reaper" you cheerfully greeted him, taking place on the office chair opposite to him. "Morning, doc."

It was a force of habit to call you by this title, though you were far away from having an actual medical carreer. Not that you had never thought about it before, but the circumstances of your life just didn't meet the requirements.

Well, one thing about Talon was that they didn't give a shit about your qualification, for as long as you'd commit your duty without question. Everyone had equal chances here if they were willing to prove - and improve - themselves.

Anyways, being adressed this way never failed to make you laugh.

"I've told you to just call me Y/N, right?" you snickered and the man slouched back in his chair, arms crossed.

Fucking adorable, he thought what he would never dare to voice aloud. Your voice was so balmy, he wanted it on tape - maybe listening to it he'd finally be able to find proper sleep.

It was pretty hard to know what someone's actually thinking if you can rarely ever see their face, since our expressions indicate a lot about ourselves - more than we care to reveal, most of the time. At least it was the case with you, being an open book in huge contrast to the man in front of you.

The only thing you could decipher was that while Reaper might be surrounding himself in mystery, his body language was significantly less hostile around you. However he'd always maintain his distance and keep up a defensive position, seemingly tensed.

Well, a medical examination wasn't exactly something to look forward to, so you got the idea.

Lost in his little infatuation, Reaper forgot to answer or react in any other way to keep the conversation alive. Not the first time, though, and you knew he wasn't a man of much words either way.

"We'll start with the usual, shall we? Miss O'Deorain wants me to draw your blood for a sample test." Reyes groaned quite irritated at your request, but an order was an order. "Let's just get this over with."

At least it was not Moira or some of her deranged underlings doing those silly experiments on him anymore.

The scientist's interest in Reaper had faded rather quickly ever since she was able to revive him - or however one wanted to call the atrocity she created in the progress.

Moira was quite the fickle person in general, and nothing could ever keep her entertained for long until she'd bury herself into a new 'project'.

So now that Reaper was able to keep his form and was not considered a general danger anymore, you had been assigned to work with him.

"C'mon, please" you cooed understandingly. It was the same every week, so one would think Reaper was accustomed to the necessary procedure by now - yet that didn't make it any easier for him.

The man huffed in response before he'd finally begin to disrobe his upper body, reluctant still as the heavy battle gear dropped to the floor.

"I promise I won't stare" you joked, but what a lie that was. After all, despite everything there was still quite the handsome person beneath the black leather.

His torso was covered in scars, varying in size and shape and constantly emmitting a black mist. You could practically feel a breath catch in his throat as you dared touching one, a shadowy tendril cautiously wrapping around your fingers.

"It tickles" you giggled all excited, not the slightest bit of fear or disgust present in your features.

Sometimes Reaper thought it was impossible that a person so pure and wonderful was working for the same organisation as he did.

Well, just like most here you had quite the opposite of an easy life. You chose not to talk about the past most of the time, yet once told him your loyality lies with basically anyone that was willing to pay - so you could support what's left of your family back home.

Which doesn't mean that you don't have any morality, but hard times require an even harder will if one wants to survive.

"Still the reckless one, I see" he rumbled with that deep, authoritative voice of his. Still, his former stiffened pectoral muscles now relaxed under your gentle touch and he let out a relieved breath.

"Do I have any reason not to be?" Hesistantly, you moved your hands to cup either side of his mask, removing it only after he gave you a slightly approving nod. "I trust you, Reaper."

This was not the first time that you had seen the person you almost considered a friend of yours without his trademark disguise, but it never ceased to amaze you.

Your smile wouldn't falter in the slightest as you set eyes upon his disfigured face, and you could've sworn to see just the smallest of smirks tug on the edge of his lips as well.

"Heya, handsome" you hummed as you grabbed some tools, and your words made a frown appear on his face, baring his teeth almost as if snarling at you. "Not funny."

"Wasn't meant as a joke" you objected, beginning to examine before he could make sense out of it. "Seems like your hair is still able to grow. I didn't know you had locks!" you noted, letting a hand run through his hair which made him sigh pleasantly.

"Shit...sorry" he mumbled in embarassment at almost moaning because of something so trivial, facing the ground and wishing to be swallowed by it.

But you'd simply wave it off with a bright, lopsided smirk as you continued to massage his scalp slightly with your nails, and he'd lean into your thoughtful touch without second thought.

If only you knew how much even those small gestures of yours meant to him...

"With all the things I am bothering you with every week, I think you deserve a small reward." And he'd soak in every little ounce of affection in like a dry sponge, drowning in the sound of you chanting happily - only until he took ahold of your wrist, voluntarily stopping this rare bliss.

You understood immediately, turning to type something on your computer then acting like nothing happened.

"Pulse 213." A little fast even for his standarts, probably due to your presence. But he'd be damned and confess this just to correct some silly data. Ever since the SEP his heartrate was already faster than that of a normal being to begin with, but now with his enhanced metabolism it usually stayed above 180 most of the time.

"Breathing normal." Actually, it was not necessary for him to breathe anymore, let alone eat or sleep, for his cells would decompose and regenerate at such a high rate, it made all traditional forms of external ressources obsolete. Though he continued doing so, in order to feel at least remotely human.

Reaper's physique worked somewhat parasitic, for his energy income would be maintained solely by draining it out of other living beings.

Talon would provide for lifestock or lab-animals whenever there was a longer period without any fights. Luckily, depending on the quality and quantity of the according victims, he could keep his solid form upright for several weeks.

While he certainly stared you down right now, you knew he meant no harm - that was just his default expression, you think, And you were also deeply buried in thought yourself, before you proudly declared "You've sure come a long way ever since the incident, Gabe."

The name slipped out faster than your mind could catch up on the mistake, and though you meant it as a compliment you caught yourself fearing his reaction...

...however, asides from a clearly puzzled look on his face, he remained silent.

"I-I...we're almost done, Reaper" you blurted out, correcting yourself before he could say something that would make you even more embarassed.

So you quickly drew some necessary blood, the bottle labeled 'Subject 666' reminding you harshly of Moira's lecture. Never adress them by their names, the less you involve with them the better.

See them as nothing but objects, otherwise it will eat you alive.

The red liquid steadily turned into a thin black mist and back, certainly intriguing to watch. Anyways, you'd stay quiet about it, knowing your fascination for Reaper's constitution was quite unsettling for the man itself.

Now to the usual questions - which you dreaded most, to be perfectly honest.

"Last week I gave you an injection." You shifted nervously in your seat, the chair creaking a little as it cut through the silence. "Any new symptoms since then? And most importantly: What about the pain?"

Every single time you were almost ashamed to ask - and just as you expected, Reaper didn't exactly look pleased. "You know the answer already, doc."

It seriously was a miracle how anyone could endure this kind of torture for so long without succumbing to madness - but even if he'd lose the will to continue, there was no way to end his existence in this state of neither life nor death.

And still, he sat across from you all calm and collected, though suffering silently - collapsing on the inside, where he had to die countless deaths over and over again.

Obviously, Talon was not interested in turning their most deadliest agent back to normal. However, you had lately achieved to convince them to give you the financial ressources needed to at least try and improve his current condition, promising him to become even more efficient afterwards.

"It hurts." His voice was cracking and laced with pain, bordering on the audibe and it scattered your heart into a thousand pieces.

The least you could do was continue to work until you'd be able to give that man some hope.

"I know" you whispered, placing a hand on his knee and giving it a reassuring squeeze. "I'm there, and I'll do what I can to find a cure. I promise."

Reaper let out an almost inaudible sob before pulling away from you, burying his face in his hands before rubbing it frantically to become clear-headed again.

"I don't need your pity" he suddenly gritted, a menacing glare shooting over to you as he tore the mask away from the counter and put it on once again. "And I'm not your pet."

You closed your eyes and released a sharp breath to ground yourself, since you didn't want to say anything imprudent. "No, you're my friend. But I'm sorry if it ever appeared otherwise."

Shocked with himself and his demeanour towards you, Reyes shot up from the seat and uttered an apology as he rushed towards the door.

"It's okay, really." Yet the way you'd treat him with nothing but sympathy and care would only further feed the anger and loathing directed at no one else but himself. "See you next week?"

"Yeah" Reyes spoke in a raspy, distorted voice, already dissolving into his wraith form, almost fleeing from you as quick as possible. "I'm grateful, doc...for everything."

___

The way back to his quarters felt like a walk of shame, one that felt agonizingly long since he was now all along with his thoughts once again.

Everyone he would pass in in the hallways would fall silent and immediately duck down, remaining bowed down and with their heads hung low in respect and fear - hoping to be spared by the eldritch horror's rage.

As soon as Reaper arrived, he'd slam the door shut and let out a horrifying roar that made anyone in the hallway closeby shudder in fear.

Things were like this every week with you, and would end up just the same.

Gabriel Reyes had been the epitome of toxic masculinity - a person to never let his true, inward emotions slip that easily. It was just not how he was raised, in a strict household and as a soldier. He was expected to build a brick wall around anything that could even remotely make him seem weak - suppress instead of process was the mantra.

And while due to this he certainly already had poor anger management issues before, his transformation towards this thing they called Reaper would only amplify his erratic nature.

Right now, he felt conflicted - both pathetic and also so incredibly safe whenever he was close to you.

There was no judgement, no expected role to play for him. You had glanced right behind the facade and still chose to enjoy his company.

Slowly opening up, he realized how effortlessly you could silence the voice inside of his head, how your touch would replace his pain with pure pleasure without even trying.

Deep inside of him a longing had awoken, one he thought to have killed a long time ago - buried along with everything else that chained him to his old life.

A fist of his subconsciously made it's way towards the nearby wall, the impact strong enough to make the hardened steel yield under the force. When he opened his tear-stained eyes again, he realized that his shadow had spread through the whole room, demolishing everything in it's path.

So he could indeed still cry, huh.

Defeated, he fell down to his knees, in midst of the wake of destruction.

No. It could never be. Shouldn't be. This was a line he shall not cross.

As if you could ever think of him as something else than a broken abomination - and even if you'd be crazy enough to actually reciprocate his feelings, being around him would only put you in harm's way.

While he certainly would never direct his wrath towards you, the responsibility of being the moral support of a literal monster was simply too much to bear.

You were so full of light, and Reaper felt drawn to you like a moth that had always involuntarily found itself surrounded by darkness. He'd become addicted, take and take and take from you without anything to give in return - then failing you, eventually.

He must never give in to this desire, for your own sake.

Knowing you safe and being able to be graced with your presence once in a while was more enough - and more than he deserved.

Reyes let himself fall backwards onto his bed, the mattress squeaking under his weight. His mind wandered back and forth to the genuine way you were smiling at him, how your eyes were shining with sheer admiration as if he wasn't a goddamn freak.

The thoughts got stuck on reminiscing the sensation of your touch against his skin, now turning into a burning need that spread throughout his whole body.

"Shit..." he muttered between gritted teeth, palming his erection through his pants. "Y/N, what are you doing to me..."

Before he even realized, Reyes had already discarded his clothes, tossing them away to the ground before plummeting down to the bed once again.

Desperate for some relief, he grabbed his cock and pressed his thumb to the tip, precum already leaking out of it. His eyes would remain closed as he imagined what you'd look like bend over your office desk, presenting the view of what's under that sinfully short skirt of yours.

Reyes' cock twitched in his palm at the thought of rubbing against your folds, what it'd be like if you'd grind against him with that perfect ass of yours.

He began stroking himself at the same time he pictured himself pushing into you, the mental sound of your moans vivid in his head as his pace began to speed up.

Taking the shirt of his that still had your scent of your perfume linger on it, he inhaled deeply before letting out an animalistic groan. Oh, he couldn't put in words just how much he craved to explore every single inch of your body and giving you pleasure no man before him ever could.

His toes curled, his free hand digging into the sheet as the memory of your smile flashed in front of his inner eye, leading him over the edge. Reaper came with a loud shout of your name, his seed spread across his stomach and wavering chest.

It didn't take long to come down from that brief high, all that's left for him now being to curl up under the blankets and claw into a pillow, harshly reminded of the empty bedplace next to him.

Not being able to feel you right now was more torture than his state of being ever could.

___

Asides from the weekly examination and occasional briefings, you and Reaper never really met before - neither coincidentally, nor planned.

You were way too shy to suggest it yourself, and much to your frustration the man just didn't seem to notice your subtle hints and ask you himself.

Yeah, it's not exactly professional to crush on a patient, but you people at Talon were basically villains so fuck the rules, right?

Maybe you were just imagining him reciprocating your feelings and he was plainly not interested, though. Completely understandable, since that man was basically married to his work.

But he could at least properly reject you instead of tiptoeing around you like that.

Today would be an exception however, since Talon would conduct their annual celebration - yes, as odd as it sounds, even an evil organisation made efforts to please their workers.

Sadly, Reaper had been on a mission during your latest appointment, so you weren't able to collect all of your courage and ask him out like you had planned. But at least you heared rumors that he'd attend as well, so even though you were usually not a fan of such trivialities, you thought it was worth to take the shot.

Now here you were, sitting at the shabby make-shift bar and sipping on your third alcoholic beverage in order to loosen up. Still no sign of him, and your patience slowly but steadily grew thinner as you realized how ridiculous you behaved.

Deciding to leave after you finished small-talk with some coworkers of Moira's lab, you emptied your glass in one gulp and let out a small sigh before getting up.

You were almost at the exit when suddenly, an all too familiar figure stepped inside, the unexpected sight making your breath hitch in your throat.

Both of you froze simultaneously, black holes of his mask staring back at you as the tall man towered wordlessly in front of you. His massive frame was almost completely blocking the door, and the people waiting to enter behind him knew better than to speak up.

Reaper had dressed himself in an all-black suit for a change, modified so it would still have a hood and gloves. The long coat he wore above it reminded you of his usual cloak, yet it was made out of silk instead of hardened leather.

"I- umm...hi" you stuttered, unlike your usual bubbly self Reyes knew from the laboratory. Opening and closing your mouth in several attempts to find the right words, you shook your head in defeat and grabbed his wrist out of a whim. "Come, we're blocking the entrance."

There was still not a sound from his side, and you sheepishly tried avoiding to look right at him even though his face was hidden behind the usual mask. Good for him, though, because like this you couldn't see how his gaze stuck on that cleavage of yours more often than not.

"Shit" was the only thing his baffled mind could come up with right now - though he had prayed to see you again, the rational part of his brain knew it was no good to run into you tonight. And now you were standing so close, with a dress whose fabric was hugging every single one of your curves so damn well.

It was hard enough to contain himself during the appointments, all alone with you in a soundproof room and with you always wearing those way too inappropriate clothes underneath your lab coat...

...but this was just too much for him to bear.

"You look...fine." His first sentence tonight was just that, unable to string together any more words than that and mentally facepalming at himself for having become such a socially awkward mess.

You were sheer magnificent and he was both awestruck and astonished - but god forbid that he ever not fucked up every single time the two of you would meet.

Of course you wouldn't mind, instead your face lighted up in excitement that your outfit had succeeded it's purpose of him acknowledging you. "Thank you very much! You also look as good as always - for someone who just returned from a mission, I mean."

Jittery beyond belief that you could finally be close to Reaper in a different setting than the medical office, you shifted your weight from one leg to another before suggesting "Do you want to, I don't know...get some drinks?"

Funny thing to say, considering he wouldn't take his mask off in public any time soon. "Or dance? Whatever? Anything?"

Seems like he wasn't the only lovestruck fool in here, though you highly doubted he'd interpret your clumsy attitude the right way.

"Aren't you with someone?" You could've sworn that sometimes you could exactly picture what kind of face he'd make behind the mask, and right now he probably rose a suspecting eyebrow at you.

It was hard to imagine that such a beautiful and kind woman would attend a party like this without suitors. You were so refreshingly...normal for a Talon member. One of the few that weren't completely inhumane, selfish or straight up psychotic maniacs.

"Not really" you chuckled, rubbing the back of your head as you remembered just how many invitations for tonight you declined. "But I wouldn't mind some company if it's you."

Reaper's good intentions ceased with every minute passing by, mind flooded by possible scenarios of the things he wished to do to you - for you.

Countless times he had made up excuses to leave your sessions early, since the sheer sight of you was enough to urge himself to do something unspeakable. The only thing keeping him from losing himself and just give in to those inferior instincts until now was his concern for your safety...

...because only his affection for you could outmatch even the maddening yearning achieved through a lifetime in solitude.

Whenever Reyes became emotionally instable, he tended to outbursts that would not differentiate between friend or foe, only afterwards being aware for the wake of destruction he left behind...

...so who knew what might happen if he'd let those intense feelings for you take over.

No matter what kind of person Reaper wished to be, it was impossible to escape his own skin.

He was a ticking bomb, ready to destroy everything and everyone around him at any time like so often before - and he certainly wouldn't take any risks.

"Hello, anyone there?" Waving a hand in front of his face, you metaphorically heared the gears in his head turning.

"I'm afraid I have to attend an emergency meeting." As if you'd ever believe some cheap excuse like that, yet there weren't many options to decline your generous offer.

Unwilling to let him leave you alone for the umpteenth time, you stormed after him into the empty hallway and held onto his cloak, effectively making him stop. Reaper harrumphed angrily as he turned around, just for his heart to sink into his stomach as he saw tears dwell in your eyes - built up over time via all this uncertainty.

"Did I do something wrong?" Your voice was small and clearly on the verge of crying, and Reaper would slack his shoulders in defeat. "No."

"Then why do you avoid me like I'm the goddamn pest?" You exclaimed, lip trembling before letting out a weak sob - yet refusing to break out in tears to keep at least a fraction of your dignity.

"Y/N, you're drunk." That was as far away from an answer you wanted to hear as humanly possible, only further feeding your frustration.

"I won't leave you alone until I got a proper explanation!" you snapped back at him, not caring about how pathetic and obtrusive you might be behaving at that moment, or who else might hear you right now. "Reaper, I beg of you...just tell me straight up if you can't stand me and I'll leave you alone."

Maybe it would be for the better to just lie and affirm your theory - but he just couldn't do it.

"Reaper, please..." you sniveled, and he wouldn't pull away when you put one hand onto his mask. "Just give me a reason. I like you very, very much, so...please don't shut me out."

Feeling bold - and probably still influenced by the wine still in your system - you wrapped your arms around the man, pressing yourself against him gentle yet demanding.

Reaper instantly felt his already boiling blood wander to his nether regions at the sudden proximity, lends prickling with lust as the embrace made your breasts press against his abdomen, almost inviting him to an unwise decision.

Goddamnit, why didn't he have any better self-control?!

Overwhelmed, there was nothing left for him than to ultimatively push you away, cussing inaudible curses under his breath. Concerned for the seemingly distraught man, you went a few steps towards him again - yet he signalized you to stay back. "I-I'm sorry, I thought-"

"Touch me again, and I'll kill you."

With those words he fled the scenario, and every syllable of them shot a bullet through your already aching heart.

Hearing your broken whimpers, the reality crept onto Reaper...

...he had succeeded in keeping you safe, even if it costed him the only joy left in his ridiculous existence.

___

Ever since that night, Reaper would cut you out of his life completely afterwards, without ever resolving whatever was the initial issue.

At the very next morning already he had demanded for another researcher to be assigned to him, much to your sadness replacing you just like that and taking the only remaining possible contact away from you.

It was evident that he purposefully destroyed any kind of connection between the two of you, yet the fact that you still couldn't make sense out of his drastic change of behavior was more than unsatisfying to you.

In the end, after several weeks had passed without any sign of life from your former friend and patient, you decided to take things into your own hands.

Reaper on the other hand had fallen into a downwards spiral ever since your weekly meetings - the only thing he had looked forwards to until now - had fallen apart as well.

The fact that you were save the farther he was away from you wasn't really as satisfying as he thought it would be.

His heart was clenching painfully again as he emptied yet another bottle of cheap whiskey - a deed that did not influence his biology in the slightest, but at least the familiar burning on his tongue was sort of a comfort.

And then, a soft knock on his door made him snap out of his self-caused misery.

As forlorn as he was in the moment, he didn't spent much thought about who could be behind that door as the second knock was a little more demanding. Probably an emergency, and he had forgotten to turn on his cellphone...

...yet when it was in fact you who was standing in his doorframe, he almost choked on nothingness at the sight.

You immediately leaped inside before he could slam the door into your face again, gasping as you saw the desolate state of his home. Turning towards the man, who was currently only wearing a jogging suit, he quickly pull the hood over his face.

Still, you could clearly see the even darker than usual circles under his eyes, along with a scruffy beard he didn't care enough to maintain.

"Reaper..." You had no clue what exactly was going on, but seeing him like this hurt nonetheless. Actually, you had prepared to toss all sorts of accusations into his face, to tell him just how sad and confused he had left you ever since then...

...but now, realizing just how much he was suffering himself made your anger for him disappear into thin air.

"What do you want?" he scoffed as your eyes darted across the room, just to pause at the stack of empty bottles. "I-I wanted to...apologize."

Apologize? You? For what?! If anyone should feel guilty, it's him!

You truly were too good for this world...

"No need to" Reyes nonchalantly brushed it off, aimlessly trying to move a safe distance away from you - to no avail. "Yes, I do!"

You wanted to touch him like you'd always do - yet his earlier threat popped up in your mind so you recoiled your hand. Nevertheless, there was still that spark in your eyes he wanted to believe would appear just for him. "I think I get it now. I-I mean, I...had a crush on you."

Had. Past tense. A plain word, and yet such a huge impact.

"I totally misunderstood and thought you liked me too. If I had known the situation you were in I would've concentrated on helping you instead, but I only pressured you further. I am so, so sorry..."

"Shut up" he now growled with a voice you did not recognize, darkened irises snapping back at you. "That's enough. Are you seriously not understanding the danger you're in?!"

"R-Reaper, I don't know what you're-"

The man now took firm steps towards you, with you backing off until your body hit the wall behind. "Do you have any idea what you're doing to me all this time, Y/N?!"

Now it was Reyes who had his whole body weight pressed against your much smaller one, and you could clearly feel the outlines of his erection pressing against your chest.

His hands gripped your shoulders, digging into them tightly as he harshly shook you. "I've told you to stay away from me a thousand times...but you just won't listen, do you?"

Sounding woeful like this, he also seemed to be full of remorse - not for what had been, but what he was about to do.

Oh, you think to know even the worst sides of him, huh? No. You haven't even been close to the darkest corners of his mind he wanted to protect you from all this time!

The short period of time without your guidance had only further scattered the peaces of his mind, fed his insanity and drove him farther away from the person he once was.

Right. Reyes had been so patient, restrained himself for you no matter how tempting it was to just give in. And here you were, having come back for him in spite of everything.

You were indeed too naive for your own good, always stubbornly wanting to see the good left in him.

If you were really so selfless, then maybe he should just take what he needed from you.

"Teasing me all this time, acting all innocent..." Reaper grumbled and slammed his hands against the wall on either side of your head, trapping you between his muscular arms.

His voice bordered on desperation, proof of his internal conflict. "You have no idea how often I wanted to throw you onto the next best surface and fuck you senseless until you'd beg me to stop."

Wild eyes were staring at you, softening only when a hand of his slid under the back of your shirt, the contact raising goosebumps on your skin. He cradled you against him now, his palm still resting between your shoulder blades.

"All I ever wanted was to be close to you just like this...and now I've destroyed everything."

The mercenary felt how you slowly relaxed against his body, eyes closing as you nestled your face against his chest. He thought it to be just his imagination, a trick played by his own twisted mind...

...but then you forced him down to your height, faces just mere inches apart as you graced his lips with yours.

"Who said you couldn't?"

As soon as you released him from the kiss Reaper would stumble backwards, his voice wavering as he asked "Y/N...why?"

You cracked a painful yet promising smile, looking at him with those doe eyes he had never truly been able to withstand.

"I've already told you before: I trust you."

Reyes whined at your obvious statement, so close to lose his well-meant intentions - yet he still stepped aside in shame, making way for your escape. "Please...just- just go. And don't come back this time. I-I really don't wanna hurt you."

"You won't." The answer came as quick as a shot, not the slightest hint of doubt in your voice...

...and that was all it took for him to completely lose it.

The soldier's mouth crashed over yours in a desperate urgency, in his almost-undead state literally needing you more than air itself. You moaned against his lips as he deepened the kiss, his tongue entering your mouth and joining yours in an ecstatic dance.

Reaper took his time relishing in the sensation of your delicate skin under his raw fingers, finally able to experience the real deal. His caress was eager yet not less mellow. And surprisingly warm for a reanimated corpse, heat radiating off of him due to the constant cell repair.

You panted heavily as you pushed him away a little, and for a second he was afraid to have overstepped a line. "We don't need to go any further. If you've changed your mind, that's oka-"

"Shh" you hushed him as you kneeled down, smirking mischievously yet not less affectionate. "I think you've made me wait long enough."

Kneeling down in fromt of him, you impatiently pulling down the waistband of his sweatpants. His hard cock sprung up against your face, with prominent veins and an angry red tip leaking precum already. "Oh, dear...you sure need some release."

Actually he would want to object, say that you didn't need to do this for him straightaway, that he could take care of it himself - yet his mind was too clouded by lust for him to have any coherent thought.

"S-Shit, Y/N..." he bit his lip as you unsucessfully tried enclosing your fingers around him, the width of his making you a little taken aback. You could easily use both hands and still wouldn't cover his whole lenght, squeezing ever so little before moving up and down.

"I want to be repayed next time, you know?" You teased his glans as you swirled your tongue around it, making him whimper. "But for now that's enough."

Reyes thrusted his hips forwards to push himself further into your mouth, and you could feel heat rising at your core as well, pressing your thighs together for some friction. "Please, more... oh fuck..."

At this point you had left the man a stuttering puddle of lust, all sorts of pathetic sounds filling the room as you keenly continued pleasing him.

All of a sudden you felt Reaper ball a fist in your hair, shoving his whole member deep inside of you as he finished with a low groan. The first spourts ran down your throat before he quickly pulled out, the rest covering your chest while he stroked himself through his high.

"S-Sorry..." he stammered, gently petting your head as you coughed due to the brief cut of air supply. "I'm usually not the gentle one."

"As if that's news" you deadpanned, looking up to him just for your gaze to be stuck on lower regions again. "It's...still stiff."

"Well, the SEP increases stamina - and also one's libido." Indeed, his cock was still impressively standing upright in all of it's prime. "Don't worry about it."

Reyes thought about offering you a hand to stand up, but instead swiftly picked you off from the ground out of a whim. "Can- do you want to stay?"

"Of course" was your answer as he gently let you down on his bed again, quick to throw himself behind you and clinging to your back.

However, you weren't able to suppress an almost pornographic moan as you felt his erection pressed against your behind, pushing your ass against it out of reflex.

"R-Reaper..." you almost begged, leading his hands to cup your breasts and not stopping to grind against him. "Wha-what if I want to continue?"

"It would be the first time since, well...since I am like this..." Still, he couldn't resist to fondle with your nipples, humping against you as his other hand began circling your clit. "But I'd be damned if I don't indulge you as well."

You rolled around to lie on your back, the man towering over you as he hungrily parted your legs. He licked his lips, unable to refrain from touching himself at the sight. "Such a pretty pussy, fuck..."

Reyes let two fingers run between your already slick folds, scissoring them to reveal your core before he sunk them in. You gasped as more entered you, slowly stretching your insides as he began fucking you on his fingers.

Aroused beyond belief, he soon buried his face in your pussy, making you moan uncontrollably as he found your weak spot with ease. His fingernails dug in the surface of your thighs as he ate you out, groaning deeply at the heavenly taste.

As hard as it was to remained focused with your orgasm building up so fast, your mind was set on one thing.

"R-Reaper...I want you, please..."

He stilled at your words, climbing to settle over your body to look you straight in the eyes. "My love, I'm afraid I can't contain myself."

You cocked your head, furrowing your brows at the man. "I'm already writhing beneath you this whole time, Reyes. I think you have proven your resolve."

Wrapping your arms around your neck, you tenderly brushed your lips against his before engaging in another heartwarming kiss.

And oh, how his heart was soaring for you.

"Let's figure out together."

It was hard for both of you to ever let your lips part again, but if it was to be like that, Reyes would want to have you completely. He ripped apart of what was left of your clothing, leaving both of you fully bare.

"You look like a peace of art" you noted, letting your hand run over his scarred shoulders, slightly emmitting black fume. "A whole life story visible on your body."

And with your whole beauty now revealed in front of him, Reyes was willing to write his own love-letter on your skin - starting with tracing a path of kisses alongsides your curves.

His beard was tickling the skin on your neck, wandering behind your ear and whispering sweet affirmations only for you to hear. "Say my name" he ultimately pleaded, forehead resting on yours as he carefully began pushing into you.

"R-Reaper...ah!" He'd briefly wait for you to become accustomed to his size, pecking more kisses across your face before his thrusts started at a low pace. "No, my real name. Say it."

"Gabriel..." His name sounded so good in your voice, reminding him of the man he once was - as if able to pull what was left of him out of this abomination he had become. "Gabe, please...faster..."

Incited by your filthy noises, his rough touch began leaving bruises here and there as he began fucking you ferociously into the mattress. You'd cross your legs behind his back, allowing him inside impossibly deeper. He felt delirious, this amount of pleasure being too much to bear as you melted against his body - every single touch of yours feeling undeserved for a wretch like himself.

Having troubles to keep his form while being so aroused, he would hide his face in the crook of your neck, wanting to spare you the sight of his true self...

...yet instead you embraced him even closer, one kiss after another meeting his face even as it stopped appearing human.

"I love you, Gabriel Reyes."

Your confession led him over the edge together with you, shouting your name in exasperation as he rode you through your high, finishing closely after.

Shivering and whimmering as you reveled in the aftershocks of your euphoria, you could still feel Reyes pump his seed inside of you - just to grow stiff once again.

Your body was shaking in anticipation as Gabriel continued to slam his hipbone against your sensitive cunt, semen squirting out in the progress. "Shit, Y/N...you feel so fucking good, I can't stop..."

Even as the previous orgasm ebbed down, your nerves remained on fire, every pounding of his sending chills down your spine. You anchored yourself onto his body, fingers ghosting across the skin of his back as you felt yet another wave of pleasure wash over you.

When you came for the last time that night, the sun was alread threatening to rise above the Talon headquarters.

"Well, that answers Moira's question if you're still fertile" you almost choked at your own laughter and Reyes would only groan in annoyance, placing a wet kiss into your hair. "Never mention her name inside here ever again, please?"

"Just saying it's better than finding out her way" you snorted, stirring in the sheets until your lover put an arm and leg around you, trapping you in his hold. "Weirdo."

"You're one to talk." You finally saw him mirroring a genuine smile, his face lighting up brightly as he rubbed his cheek against yours. "Being happy suits you, you know?"

"And I hope you know that I won't let you go that easily again." As if you could even remotely walk after yesterday - not that it mattered, since it was your day off. "That was the plan. And to be honest, it was totally worthwhile."

"Let me take care of you today, alright?" Your lover briefly turned into his wraith form, returning shortly after with fresh water and a shirt of his for you to wear. "I'll even run you a bath if you like."

"Maybe later...mhh...sleep would be nice..." you already halfway dozed off, lolling around on the mattress and patting the empty spot next to you. "Come back?"

Gabe didn't need to be told twice, covering you with the blanket as you slowly drifted away to sleep. Having his whole world in his arms like this, it made himself feel grounded again as well.

Starting now, he wouldn't bother himself with fears or doubts anymore - for his focus would lie on becoming a better man.

Just as you had showed him he could be.

Alongside several disturbing features, Reaper was able to perceive the souls of all living beings...

...and while he adored you resting there all peacefully, he couldn't help but think that he had never laid eyes upon a soul like yours.

"Thank you, Y/N...for not giving up on me."

[the-bjd-community-confess]

Sometimes you just have to really work on changing your habits, and your mindset. Easier said that done I know, but it CAN BE DONE. Baby steps, anon. One commenter who said excusing this kind of impulsive spending with "because ADHD" is grating, well from one person with ADHD too, I agree. What I did: consciously left bjd groups, removed any bjd site from my bookmarks, worked on building a skill related to bjds to distract me but at the same time allow me time with my dols, set limits on my allowed $ transactions on my bank account and credit card (idk about what you use, from where I am from you can do this via your bank's mobile app, it's that easy). Disconnected my cards from paypal so I would have to retype all the info and I can't be assed to do it honestly (and actually security-wise, it's recommended never to save your credit or bank account. details anywhere). Also deactivated my Instagram. I have not bought anything in the last...one and a half year I did this. I only really have Tumblr now where I post some of my doll stuff, and limit myself to just checking out DOA's news thread if I want to get updated on releases.

~Anonymous

[itstimetodrew]

The green goblin for the ask meme! 1 2 3 6 12 for numbers. Idk much about him still so go off and ramble!

GOBBY!!!!!! 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 my most embarrassing fave... thank you so much for this opportunity

1. Why do you like or dislike this character?

I still do not know why I like him. The only kind thing personality-wise I can say is that he's smart. Otherwise he is selfish and petty and vengeful and sexist and a bad father and impulsive and is overall a net negative on the world for being a multi-million(billion?)aire who makes his fortune furthering the American military-industrial complex. BUT!!! He's also hot. And weird. 👍

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

I love his goofy schemes. 'I'm going to set a building on fire so Spider-Man will come but I will be dressed like an old lady and surprise him when he tries to save me. Then we will team up and be buddies but if he says no I kill him.' They don't make villains like this anymore...

Also the habit he has about taking other people's food is funny. Gobby? More like Grabby... 🤨

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

Wasn't a huge fan of the character arc for the new movie. They made a clear cut split about Norman being good but being held hostage by the Evil Goblin Persona. Like sure, it works, but I think it's a more interesting story about ambition and self-destruction when they're working together. IF we see him again I think I'll just get increasingly disappointed on how they handle him lol (but I WILL be there. lusting.)

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

Honestlyyyy I am also a very 'I don't want to do it the easy way or rational way, I want to do it MY way' person. Intentionally making things harder for myself because I'm stubborn and don't like change teehee ^_^

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

So many...but the biggest one is probably that years after his divorce and with a growing fear that there is something deeply wrong with him that will prevent him from maintaining meaningful relationships, he meets a younger woman who shows interest in and appreciates him in a way he hasn't quite experienced before. Plus she has good friends and gets along with his son so that's a bonus, her name is Natalie and-

that's me that's us together we are Normalie and we are perfect and he loves our matching outfit 🫶💚💜

CHARACTER ASK GAME!!!

[unchartedthelostlegacy]

I'm thinking of starting a sideblog for positivity/shopping addiction/hoarding help. No blaming but encouragement. Because I need help with it myself. Sort of like

*reminder you can save a screenshot of the item you want and look at it on you desktop anytime, see how many times you do before you get tired of it!* (Object permanence! Clutter avoidance!)

*if you see it and want it, WAIT (delaying past the original impulse to buy buy buy so you can think about it

*unsubscribe from marketing emails from clothing stores if you get a thousand MULTIPLE TIMES A dAY like me! They even have wild provocative subject lines sometimes to try to make you think it's not a marketing email and if I'm sad my impulse control is affected when I open one. A sale doesn't always save money and is often a psychological trick

*if you have family members who hoard or try to shove stuff they don't want onto you and are argumentative when you try to explain you have too much stuff already...honestly I do and I don't have tips for that. My dad flat out refused when I suggested he instead drop it off at a thrift store. ("I buy things just to give them away??" Starting to see where I got it from 😣)

*no blaming your past self. Hoarding and impulse shopping can often occur when we are vulnerable emotionally or otherwise and are an attempt, however misguided, to control or feel safer in a dangerously random world. But if it affects our quality of life we need to find better coping mechanisms or even quit bad habits cold turkey.

*apps that can help you incentivize difficult tasks

*where to drop off what and how

Thoughts??

[dyrewrites]

In Fog -- 21

Oh yes, the train station, covered in guards last we tried and still crawling with them.

But my impulsive partner was insistent we would be fine.

“I cannot sway all of them, darling, but with your shadows and my words,” it spoke so easily as it ran, and while it did not move at the speed I knew it capable, it was still far quicker than any other could claim.

Save myself, just then. I kept pace, my love, breathing near as easily as I questioned it, “I called them out of desperate desire, love, I...I do not know how to do it on purpose.”

“So easily you say it now, how I adore it,” it did not address my concern, swooning over my love instead. Not until we reached the station, and the cadre of roughly fifteen guards at its gates, did it speak again. Yet it did not do so aloud, or to my worries, wait under the bridge, darling, while I fetch us a snack...

What of the shadows? I asked, but it would not address that either, speeding off without so much as a look.

I did say impulsive, did I not? Emboldened by my budding abilities, unpredictable as they were, it seemed eager to return to its old feeding habits.

But I attended, as I trusted its judgment...and adored it so.

Across the way I waited, under the bridge, in shadows that were not mine—not yet. And it arrived in little time, with a guard swaying behind it.

I itched at the sight of him; my fingers, my palms, all the way up my arms I itched. Not for him, but the knife on his belt, my love. I needed it. I watched it and it alone as he approached, watched it bounce ever so with the sway of him. And I had it unsheathed and in my hand before my partner stopped me.

“Darling, no, not yet,” It commanded, quiet but firm.

Strong as the hands that joined the words, they were no match for my itch, my need. I had the blade buried in the guard’s guts before it could stop me. But it did stop me, before I removed it, before I allowed all that bright blood to flow. And it held my hand, so tight on the hilt of that knife, with my eyes locked on the guard’s—aching for the cry trapped in all its fog.

“Let go,” it asked, “please, darling, this way will not work, you will lose control completely and I need you here,” it petted my arm, one hand firm on mine, “let go.”

My voice would not leave me, it was lost in the rough hilt of that knife, in the trapped terror in the guard’s eyes—fog circling, circling, keeping him compliant. But I did not have to find voice to hear the desperation, the fear dripping from the lips at my ear. I clamored for that fear, allowing the hand to peel my fingers back and away.

Then I gasped, and stared, leaving the knife where I stuck it...to keep the guard breathing. “I, I,” there were still no words to find.

“You are hungry, darling, that is all,” it soothed, with words and arms, pulling me close, holding me as I shook. “This is my fault for rushing you.” I stared at it, enamored by its comfort, its care, but it would not accept my kiss. “He will not remain still long.”

Nodding, I pulled from its embrace and watched the guard, finding my words again, “What...do I do?”

Smiling, it took the guard by the shoulders, presenting him to me, “What you did before, darling, to those miscreants, to the father; work slow, steady...savoring every ounce of agony he has to give.”

The blade in his stomach whispered, but if I removed it, “How? I already...”

“No, no,” it teased his neck with those soft, pale fingers, “he is alive, warm and breathing as any other, we just leave that blade in there.” It smiled, nodding to the bag across my chest, “You have your own.”

Somewhere, in all the commotion at the cabin, in the midst of those delectable screams it snatched the knife; my knife, with its shining black blade. My smile stretched painfully with it in my hand.

And again I heard that rich voice warn, “Slowly, darling,” as it eyed our surroundings. But it had picked an ideal hideaway, across the road from the station, buried under a bridge and surrounded by shadow.

We were safe, no eyes or ears to find us, or stop us as we stripped him of his weapons and layers of clothing. As the guard shook the fog, he woke to teeth in his throat and a knife in his chest.

His scream was honey to my ears, my love, gruff and horrified it sang too sweetly. And with it, with it came the soft moan of the one at his neck, feeding with me.

The guard would die; my mistake with his knife ensured that, so there was little point in asking it not to take all it could. But it fed slowly, allowing me to take all I could.

Frightened, scattered and snapped came his screams, his pain and I sunk into the cutting, so easily I sunk. Unable to throw a punch from all the blood pouring down his skin, the guard slapped and begged...and I tore tendons to drop his arms. More and more I cut, marveling at how red he became, but I wanted the spark. Ached for the spark, and I was not alone in my want.

I took his knife out of him, angling away from the spray—meager as it was—and shivered as my partner drained what remained. With the guard’s last breath I shivered again, all but moaning with what shot through me.

We killed him together, my love, as we would again...and again. But that was the first I wanted, the first I understood and did anyway. I did it for myself, not to appease a heady new love, but to appease me and my hunger.

And it felt so different from the others, so much brighter, warmer, it burned through me so hot I did not notice the shadows around us. They had grown in the agonies of our meal. Thicker, darker, they vibrated for my touch.

“Now, darling,” it whispered through bloody kisses. “Take them.”

So I did. It took so little to urge them to me, to us, I only had to want them and they came. Smiling with the pale hand snatching my own, I shrouded us in that dark, my dark...and we walked with it to the station.

There should have been screams at our approach, ambulatory shadows not being common and all, but none saw us. My shadows kept us to others of its ilk, flattening and stretching to keep hidden—without our feeling any change.

To me the world was still color and bright, I could see everything clear as before, but the eyes in there with me saw only me and the black.

“Where are we, darling?” it asked, voice hitched with that delicious tinge of fear.

And I waited until its hand squeezed tighter before soothing it, “Beneath the train, love, searching for a way inside.”

“Once we are past the guards outside, I can handle any others,” fearful still its voice, and I hated myself for loving it.

The shadows found more to slink through and soon we stood in the back of an empty car. Mostly empty, a single passenger sat in the front and had they seen us it may have been a problem. But they did not.

“There you are, love,” I soothed, helping it to a seat as it shook.

“That was worse than last, darling,” it said, eyeing the only other occupant of the car, “how do you deal with all that dark?”

“It is my dark,” I answered simply, but narrowed eyes forced more, “and being mine, perhaps I can find a way to make it more comfortable, for you?”

“I would appreciate it,” it said, yanking me toward its lap, where it could set those still-red lips on mine, “Oh, but it was beautiful,” pulling my arms over its shoulders, it kissed my neck, “Watching you, darling, taking him with you...just beautiful.”

I wanted more of its lips and grabbed its face to get them, but those starlight eyes stopped me and I whispered instead, “As are you, love, too beautiful.”

There was a smile, I glimpsed it for but a second before everything smeared around me and I was pinned to the seat. Safe and satiated on the train, without worry of more guards until the next station, we took the time to bask. And, with the shadows so comfortably in my control, not a soul saw or heard how we chose to do so.

Oh, to relive that moment, my love, before so many more of my lines were erased, their absence tormenting my dreams...

[chromaji]

Ask game: 🦋 💌 🎨

🦋 (Which character is your favorite to write?)

💌 (Is there a favorite trope you like to write?)

🎨 (If someone were to make fanart of your work what fic or scene what you hope to see?)

This got long as fuck so i’ll be putting it under a readmore! Thank you for the ask!

🦋 (Which character is your favorite to write?)

WELL HMM… Okay i’ll split by stories. For any sonic stuff, it’s Shadow. Though it’d be cool to try and write all of team dark one day.

For HotH, I want to say I haven’t gotten far enough into any character to pick favorites yet… But if I had to choose, probably Klaus? I have a soft spot towards gap moe characters. Klaus being the “seems intimidating and prepared to kill, but is actually very quiet and caring” brand of gap moe… Also both versions of Nightseeker 1 pretty.

For OtL… ohhh thats tough. If I had to choose, I’ll say the ol’ classic Zandiel Nameir. But ones I notably like to write are Zandiel, Siegril, Ruki, Kor, and Tenmaar.

Zandiel & Siegril, being protagonists who get their own POV chapters, lets me do this thing where the narration style itself is affected by them. Zandiel PoV? More flowery narration and formal narration language. Siegril PoV? More to-the-point narration, but a lot more thinking and observing, because as much as Zandiel may seem like an over thinker, Siegril fucking runs circles around him. And of course they’re both fun characters to write, especially when interacting with each other.

They’re both on the impulsive side in different ways, yet think they aren’t. Zandiel know’s he makes impulsive actions, but doesn’t realize he also has a habit of speaking impulsively. Siegril is the opposite. He knows for a fact that he speaks bluntly and without care, but doesn’t believe that he commits brash actions. …Its why I like their Chapter 23 conversation 🫡.

…I mentioned 3 other characters. Well uhh Ruki, she’s fun because I know it’s kinda common for mute characters (whether selective or not) to be shy and reserved. I wanted Ruki to be a bold and self-confident character, though she does get flustered if others compliment her.

Kor channels that “cringe ass nae nae little brother that you can’t help but love & would defend with your life” energy that I have fun writing! Especially when I myself look at some dialogue & cringe in a loving way. Like, never change, you little goober.

Tenmaar is tsundere gap moe who everyone can see right through, which is a big wombo combo. He tries to act aloof to Zandiel. Zandiel knows for a fact that Tenmaar cares about him (though I will say he doesnt know how much). Same goes for how he acts towards the rest of the Empyreans. They all know he cares. It helps that his ears and tail do a lot of emoting along with him.

Special shoutout to Enigma, who hasn’t had any spoken dialogue yet. She will be fun.

…

ALRIGHT NEXT QUESTION

💌 (Is there a favorite trope you like to write?)

There’s tropes I like, but don’t think I knowingly write enough tropes to have a favorite that I put into my stuff. I seem to like including former assassins in my stuff though (Siegril, Adhara, Klein, Elke), if that’s a trope.

…If you or anyone reading this notices any tropes I use in my own stuff, I’d love to know. It’d be interesting to learn that.

🎨 (If someone were to make fanart of your work what fic or sceen what you hope to see?)

OH BOY OH BOY🏃‍♂️

Well definitely Overcome the Labyrinth fanart would be my biggest hope. As for particular scenes… I dont know. Though to be fair I’ve actually gotten fanart that was inspired by of one of my favorite moments in OtL so far (Zandiel saving Siegril in Chapter 8) and I still pull it up from time to time like “OUUGHHGHH!!!!”

But really! I’d greatly love and appreciate fanart of any scene, or just the characters! I always like to look back at any fanart or gift art I’ve received… warms my heart…

[valorums]

@debelltio     sent      …    🚩 / 🚩 / 🚩

╰► SOURCE: send me a 🚩 and i'll share my unpopular rpc opinions and hot takes.

🚩: Please do not hold your muse back. I don’t know where the heck this trend came from, but I don’t like it. If your muse ever wants to kiss Shi’al, flip her the bird or some other obscene gesture, curse her out, or anything of that sort and it’s in character for them to do such a thing, then do it! Holding back your muse only limits the thread’s potential, and rest assured, I understand if anxiety may be a factor but I am also mature enough to let you know if something your muse did makes me uncomfortable. Some of my best threads have come from folks being willing to take the chance and have their muse do something impulsive!

🚩: It should be commonplace to message links to your roleplay partners for your most recent responses. I have begun to get into this habit myself, and it’s saved me a LOT of headaches that I might otherwise get from this stupid site’s crappy notification system. sending roleplay partners the links to your thread opens up the chance for commentary, and also, encourages further out of character conversation.

🚩: when you follow and interact with my canon muses but not my original characters, especially in cases where all muses are for the same fandom and time period within that universe, I WILL NOTICE AND IT HURTS. if people express interest only in my canon musss and not my oc’s, then i will be significantly more wary of writing with them.

[bacchicly]

So I used my bullet journal this morning (after setting it up on my wanderings this weekend) and it felt good. Update after the cut. This is just a personal annoying thing. Includes reference to Gretchen Rubin's "Better than Before"

I don't have the "must put this notebook in the freezer to stop obsessing over it" I had when I first tried bullet journaling - nor am I being particularly ambitious in format but I am being more "regulated" than my last few attempts to "just make sure I have a notebook with me" which failed.

I also am using a new period tracker on my phone which is not perfect but seems simple enough and a bit more flexible and helpful than Fitbit period tracking. Again I am trying to be clear but minimal with the tool.

We'll see how this round goes. I am cautiously optimistic.

I also use audiobooks as a type of guided meditation and self reflection and have been re-listening to Gretchen Rubin's Better than Before. I don't love everything about her the book; and in particularly. find it triggering from a body positivity standpoint.

And, even though I am a champion of the idea that people and projects can't be perfect or do everything all at once, I find it problematic that she geberally mute on her privilege. I also find it challenging that she does not do more than wink at the potential impacts of culture, disability, neurodivergence, and poverty on an individual's effort to change behavior through habits.

However, the attention she pays to minutia and her attempts to be non-judgemental are helpful guides to working through some of my current challenges.

I am also about to take on more of a design project where I can impact organizational behaviors and habits at work and her clarity around how different strategies can work for different people is helpful.

Things have been hard. Really hard. In the last two weeks I have had more intrusive thoughts than I have in a long time - but I am trying to focus on the fact that I did what I could to care for myself and did better than I might have in the past. I have been fighting a cold (not COVID), as has my family, work has been a particular flavour of difficult, and my and my husband's challenges with budgeting and saving money have been in high relief as we try to get back to somewhere a bit less scary since our encounter with cheerleading, illness in our extended family, caring for a senior cat, and our impulses to tip extra big and rely on a lot of take out and dining in restaurants as a way to deal with COVID are coming home to roost.

Anyways...things are going a bit better. Yay!

Tomorrow will be tomorrow.

[xi218]

୨୧ goals ୨୧

Physical: working on being sober, ab workout routine, getting into bed earlier, not snacking so much, wearing the clothes you're saving for a "special occasion", trying out new looks and clothes, venturing out new styles, upgrading your basic hygiene routine, drink more water

Mental: journaling daily (or near daily..), decorating pages, keeping track of emotions both negative and positive and what triggers them. Get rid of the negative triggers and bring in more of the positive triggers.

Emotional: getting in touch with a therapist, dedicating a journal to release you emotions instead of bottling them in, interpret dreams, talking to friends when things upset me

Professional: working 1 hour more than usual, dont wake up and finish work before class

Personal: find your old hobbies (crochet), discover new ones (shirt making 👀), trying new food even if im nervous, complimenting people out loud, making an effort to hang out with friends when opportunities present themselves, limit youtube time

Finance: learn how to budget, no impulse spending, watch videos about making money with art and follow through

Important habits to have: waking up and going to bed early, using planner, having a morning and night routine but the freedom to change it/ leniency with myself if i dont stick to it

Important skills to build: how to communicate my own needs, learn what the line is between sharing and dumping (rather than choosing to bottle everything ive ever felt lol)

schedule ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭ ੈ♡‧₊˚

So you've picked your goals. Great. Now take a look at your schedule and figure out what things are taking up most of your time. Is it a long commute? Spending too much time scrolling on your phone? Waking up late? Going to bed late?

୨୧ time blocking / schedule:

☆ Mornings:

5-6am: exercise

6-7am: shower, get ready for class / library

7:30-8am: library for breakfast, get ready for the day

~class~

☆ Evenings:

get back from class, shower immediately, change into pajamas

eat dinner

finish homework

plan the next day, journal, go to bed

Assess how you spend your time and utilize it. Instead of scrolling on your phone during your free time, spend time with your loved ones (pets, kids, partner), instead of staying in one place while you're on a call, walk around to get steps in, there is always a way to implement your goals into your daily life.

Notice how I say fit your goals around your life. You don't want to be taking away important things like errands, jobs, school, being a parent just meet your goals- no. Use your time wisely. That's all. You can fit them.

On the larger goals like taking up a class/large skill, like dancing and painting. On fridays, you'll have dance class and on other days that you have free, you'll be painting a piece or reading your anticipated book, learning a language, trying out a new recipe, planning the next day, taking a spontaneous art class, etc!

Weekends.

Because I work a lot, I like to use weekends to really do deep work. Intensive study sessions. And because I deep work (work with no distractions) I don't need to study all day. I'm getting so much done in little time that I'll be done by the afternoon and I can go out and do errands, get all dressed up and have a nice day out in the city, or just have a relaxing day by doing chores, watching a nice movie and more!

3. Setting up a system so you can actually stick to those goals.

Keep a journal to keep track of what you did today. If you didn't reach a goal that day (and that's okay), ask yourself why? and how does it make you feel? Then take action on what you can do to reach it tomorrow.

i think post its in planner should be effective

Switching. We all know it’s best to not push yourself so hard. For example, don’t do intense exercise everyday. Walking and dancing throughout the day counts as exercise too, so by switching (depending on YOUR goals), you’ll have time for your other goals as well. Here is an example: on a rest day of no exercising, maybe that day is the night I have a ballet class. That is exercise as well. So instead of exercising in the very early hours of my day, I can use that time instead to do more studying OR have more time doing something else.

which means I can do one do the following: spend more time with my pet, read a few pages of my book, make a new recipe, etc.

Ex. 4am-5am - on a no-exercise day, i can study during that time instead. 6am-7am - more time to tackle my other goals.

Create a foundation. If you have an amazing day, felt very productive and accomplished, what's a habit that really helped? if you had an off day, figure out why and maybe your foundation can help.

★ That’s all!

[crystalelemental]

Zinfogel just recently posted a showcase of Variety Lance (he said Variety Lance is extremely good for Clair) and Variety Agatha, including his thoughts about Masters nowadays and Variety Scouts. I wanna know what you think about it.

Goddammit Zinfogel, this couldn't wait until tomorrow? I'm trying to save gems over here.

Oh wow, nevermind, that's depressing. The video itself is short, and having run Clair constantly, I'm content with her ability to off-type with just SS Kris/Lucas, Lance isn't necessary. Moreover, his discussing is exactly correct. Variety scouts are a known scam, they're far lower effort, and it seems wholly unnecessary in the era of 5/5. I actually agree with the 5/5, there's something to that. Not always, but it's a nice boost for older pairs, and brings in incentive for long-time players to try again for old favorites. The Variety thing is...odd. The Eevees all being copies of one another, Bruno and Lorelei being virtually identical pairs, they're just not doing much that's interesting. And we're in this odd space of a lot doing the same jobs as always, unless they're Master Fair, which the rats set the tempo at "unspeakably broken for the game we're in, to the point they're not fun to use."

I agree with him that the game is flatlining. I think the problem is an over-emphasis on too much at once. There are just too many sync pairs being thrown in each month, with like a whopping six in most situations. It's a lot of focus on developing the kit and the grid and doing something new without being broken, and it comes at the cost of everything else.

That said, one thing I will argue is the irrelevance of sync move animation. Bro, I'm sorry, but you watch those one (1) time and then skip forever to get back to the action. Even in showcases, that's how it's done. From a design perspective, why would you shell out the money for those animations that literally no one watches? That's not the problem. The problem is really more in the lack of unique designs, the unnecessary "limited" gimmick, and that the game hasn't done anything too novel in a while. I think it's at least trying with the rebuffs, but it's just not enough to be interesting when Zones are better.

And to argue with myself, I realize six sync pairs is a lot in a month, but also that if we didn't get that, a lot of characters just wouldn't get anything. The Variety scouts are a lame cash grab, but in the case of Lorelei, it was a lame cash grab for a sync pair I kinda like, that definitely wouldn't exist otherwise. So it's this awful space of recognizing yeah, this sucks, the game shouldn't be this way, but also if it wasn't it's not like all our dreams would come true either. There's a healthy middle ground between the two somewhere, but I don't think DeNA has a reason to pursue it.

The last thing I'll say, and I hate saying it but it's what happens to me...I wonder if Zinfogel isn't just burning out of the game. Doing the same things for so long wears on you regardless of enjoyment, and maybe he's just hitting that wall. There are times I feel like I'm hitting it. And to be frank, the explanation of "I gave in to my impulses" occurring multiple times in the last two months between variety and SC and tapu? From experience, that's the feeling of chasing a feeling no longer there. That's when you step back and make sure addiction isn't creeping in, because now you're pulling stuff you weren't that excited about to hope it's more fun than you thought. The insidious thing is sometimes it works. Sometimes you get SC Zinnia. Other times, you get Palentine's Mallow. It's unreliable and a bad habit to form. So I dunno. I'm kinda worried about him, honestly.

[karofsky]

I'm a big internalizer, because it's what works for me. Usually, things like this are reserved for one of the thousands of journals I frequent, but since I've been a bit wordier publicly this year, it's probably fitting I share this here. I also know that one of my resolutions next year is to be a bit more controlled with what I share-- not that I think sharing is a bad thing, but I've been a bit... explosive with my emotions this year, and while it can be therapeutic in the short term, it's something that ultimately I want to work on. I want to be open and honest, but only from a place where I'm not so impulsive.

So, here's a good bit of things I've experienced and learned from this year.

Water is key. I feel like this is the only way to start this list because it's a universal thing. Drink more water. It helps. If you are like me and chronically are awful with it, stick a straw in a glass. Use a mason jar. It's fun. Your body will thank you.

Crying is good. A bit much sometimes? Sure. Definitely, in fact. I've cried more this year than I have the last 10 combined, which sounds like a lot, but after summer of 2013 I pretty much stopped crying. I do think there is a lot to this personally. Unfortunately, I think some of it is hormonal, which is a reminder of just how far behind I am from where I wanted to be (i.e. my uterus is out for blood--literally-- when it should instead have been halted by sweet, sweet testosterone). But this has also been a year of great freedom for me, and one that I've found a lot of joy in. In fact, MOST of the crying I've done this year has been because I felt like I was allowed to feel things. It's been a slow burn these last few years, but it really did hit its peak this year. And if you were on the end of my What We Do In The Shadows snapchats of me reacting to episodes, my apologies. But it's been a needed release, and I think I'm now in a place where I am less explosive with it.

Health scares are very scary. I'm still avoiding addressing things. I'm terrified, but I know it's necessary, so it will come. But I need a little longer. This is not a proud admission. Do not do this.

Make lists. Make a hundred lists. Make four lists that you use simultaneously that all convey the same information but because they're in different mediums, your brain feels like it can keep track of it. Who cares. Your physical and digital desktops might look insane, but if it feels productive, who cares.

Those negative thoughts remain. This is something I've known for years, but it's a good idea to remind yourself about. I'm in a better place, I'm still here, and I will still be here to the best of my ability. But they happen, and they are real, and it's best to be aware of them. I wish they weren't, but that's a good reminder in itself that I'll be okay. I want to be better, and that's enough.

There will never be "time" to process. Time doesn't stop. Take breaks when you need them, take vacations, go to therapy, hole up in your room, whatever. But life keeps on happening, and it sucks, so you really just have to take it one day at a time. No matter how hard you try, and no matter how much you heal, things still happened, and you have to just move on. From my burnout to my PTSD... it's all still something I experienced. I have to leave it there sometimes, and just keep on going through my life. You can only shrink yourself so much.

Save money. This isn't really for me, because I do, and I will. I pride myself on this. But if you're saving, save more. Spend guilt-free sometimes, maybe even when you "shouldn't", but for the love of god, save some money. Save $100. Save $20. Keep a five-dollar bill in your wallet. Just anything. Even if you're like me and good with money. But also, if you're bad with money. It's a habit and you have to work on it. The world isn't going anywhere and with it remains the need to be financially smart. Just suck it up.

Stop watching shows or movies you don't like. Put down a book three chapters in if it sucks. Who cares. You can come back to it down the line, and maybe it'll be better. But you don't have to waste your time on something you chose to do for fun that isn't actually all that fun. Open a game you want to play only to close it on the menu screen. Shove your dinner in a tupperware if it's not something you want to eat. Whatever.

Shit is just going to happen. Did I go into this year knowing I'd go through anything that I went through? Literally no. Life is insane, and perhaps mine has been a bit crazier than others' lately, but stuff's gotta happen, and is gonna happen. Prepare yourself and your mind to know that, because it's a lot easier to deal with, say, a deadly hurricane headed straight for you or a phone about to explode somewhere it definitely should NOT explode when you play that "when life gives you lemons" Vine on repeat in your head. Sometimes you just get stuck with a bunch of lemons.

Anyway. I love New Year. It's been my second favourite holiday for most of my life. I don't believe in a Great Time Reset or resolutions, but I like the concept of a wiped slate. I will be the same person I was December 31st as I will be January 1st. Just with maybe a little more communal energy of "we can start again". Which is refreshing.

[wolfnanaki]

Nanaki's Late Night Thoughts (2/11/2023)

Ramblings of a trans wolf girl late at night.

When it’s coming to an end, Then why hold back? Why save it for yourself When you have so much to tell?

What is it going to take for me to do the things I actually want to do in my life? I have this weird habit of trying to make everything “just right” before I do anything, and yet it never happens. I have so many story ideas floating around in my head, playing out in my thoughts like an endless movie, and yet I can’t bring these stories to the one format I’m good at producing. I’ll have all these ideas, go home, sit in front of my computer with Word open, and then do nothing. More cycling through YouTube, talking to friends on Discord, browsing Twitter, burning through my finite time in this world instead of following my dreams.

Mom keeps pushing me into getting a Human Resources position because she believes my experience and skills are perfect for the job. She even went as far as to enroll me in a HR certification course, which I succeeded at and got my certificate. But still, I don’t feel like it’s the right job for me, I can’t see myself doing it as a career in five, ten years. I promised myself as a kid I wouldn’t allow myself to waste away at a dull office desk job, that my life would have some fucking MEANING, that I’d reach for the stars and follow my dreams.

I’m enslaved by impulses. Even now as I type this, I had to stop myself from reaching for my phone to play a mobile game. I have to look away from Twitter and other social media platforms that hit my brain in just the right ways that ensure I’m always on them. Looking at and sharing other people’s thoughts is a hell of a lot easier than sharing your own. And there’s always a hot new topic for you to dabble in, just peeking out from the “Trending” tab on the side. Want to see how many people you thought you could trust and respect still follow J.K. Rowling? Want to watch another manmade horror happen live? Want to get swallowed up in stupid debates with loser bitches whose primary goal is to make you upset and haven’t evolved their worldview since they hit puberty? Welcome to Twitter, stay a while and suffer. I’m almost glad Elon Musk is burning it to the ground, though I wonder where all the worst people in the world will go once their stomping grounds are gone.

It’s too late now anyway, So when you feel you have something to say, Why save it for yourself? Don't let those you love get away.

A few minutes before I started writing this, when I went downstairs to make myself a sandwich, I felt my foot bump into something on the floor in the darkness. It was my dog’s chew toy. It’s always in our walking path at night for some reason, and I always move it out of the way because I worry that one day, mom isn’t going to see it and will trip over it. When I started toasting my bread, the toaster started smoking, and I turned it off to look inside. My older brother has a habit of toasting a sandwich for himself every night, and he uses the toaster to reheat leftover pizza too. Whichever the case may be, there’s now a hardened black blob of cheese at the bottom part of the toaster that’s supposed to cook the food. I hope he recognizes his mistake and fixes it, otherwise I’ll have to do it for him.

Ever since I lost my job, I’ve noticed little things like that around the house, but especially in the kitchen. No matter how much you sweep, no matter how many hours you devote to cleaning the place, there’s always something dirty to it. You always feel crumbs under your toes. It makes the whole process feel pointless. I don’t get why mom puts so much effort into cleaning it when it’s always dirty anyway. Maybe one day it can be clean for real, probably the day we move out and spruce this place up.

Mom wants to move up to Jacksonville – or at least near it – since my youngest brother and his girlfriend just moved there. I’m surprised at the trajectory of my brother’s life. He traveled the world, taught English in China, started online businesses for selling tat and books, started dating a girl, and now they’ve moved in together. His girlfriend has a daughter who happily calls my brother her dad. He's 28. I’m 32 and I haven’t even been on a date. But it’s hard to compare myself with him in that way; he’s always been comfortable with who he is and how he presents himself, whereas I’m a trans woman trying to find her body, her comfort and her happiness. I don’t think I can truly open up with a romantic partner if I don’t know for sure how they’ll take me being trans, especially considering the way I look right now. I can’t “pass” the way I am, I haven’t done much vocal training, and I live in an anti-trans state. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t keep trying to live as my most authentic self.

Authenticity – my job, my gender identity, my dreams, my personality. It’s all exhausting but it’s a journey I must face head-on. If I don’t define myself for myself, it’ll be other people who define me for me. And I’ve given years of my life to other people who didn’t have my best interests at heart, who used and discarded me. That’s not who I want to be. Maybe that’s why I’m so hesitant to settle into a Human Resources career. I don’t want to live a life as another person’s lackey. And I don’t dream of labor. I just want to write my stories and life as my true self for the world to see.

And this time there won’t be another day, And now I know This is the only way. And when we go...

Back in December, I listened to a song. It’s called “Constellations,” performed by Dabu and sung by Brigitte Naggar, composed for the soundtrack for an upcoming indie game called Goodbye Volcano High. The game’s story is about anthropomorphic dinosaur teenagers in their senior year of high school having their lives being interrupted with the revelation that a comet is on its way to strike the planet and wipe out the dinosaurs. The player character is a nonbinary pterodactyl named Fang, who must figure out what they’re going to do with their remaining time. The game is billed as “the end of an era and the beginning of a love story.”

The song “Constellations” hit hard for me; its lyrics encapsulated so many of my feelings, trans and otherwise. It’s a beautiful and heartfelt song, but when I listened to it in full for the first time in full that cold night, I couldn’t handle all those feelings at once. I was overwhelmed. I was a sobbing mess for ten minutes. It hurt, but it was also cathartic in a way. I shared those feelings that night in posts, not for attention or anything, but because I desperately needed to share them in case they reach the eyes for someone else going through what I’m going through, and maybe it’ll help them knowing they’re not alone, that someone else has felt their feelings and is healing.

It was that night, influenced by the song’s lyrics, that I came up with a personal motto, one I have now posted on as many platforms that allows for it:

“When the world is ruled by hate, rebel with love.”

So many of our online interactions are defined by hate, outrage, disgust, contempt. No platform is truly safe from that influence because when we feel those feelings, they’re incredibly strong and we NEED to vent them. We spend our time arguing with each other over the most petty things, leave feeling miserable, and then prep ourselves for when we’ll do it all over again. And frankly, I realized that night that I don’t want to fall into that trap anymore. I want to live a life celebrating good, influenced by love and compassion. Because love is so much stronger than hate. Love yourself enough and you can overcome anything. Love strong enough and you can change the world. And when so much of our daily lives are defined by hate, showing true, honest love becomes a form of rebellion.

Right now, I have many parts of myself that paint me as a target for hate. I’m Jewish when antisemitism is on the rise, I’m a transgender woman when anti-trans bills are being passed across the USA, and being a furry, I’m part of a big, openly queer space that’s now also under attack by the political right. I am surrounded by hate, and if I’m not careful, hate will be my end. But that’s even more reason to love. I don’t plan on being a martyr or anything, but I let the hate and fear of other people control my life, then just like when I’m boymoding, I’m not living as my true self.

I’m a trans woman, I’m proud, I’m full of love, and I want to make the world a better place. Whatever dreams or achievements I accomplish before I’m gone, that’s one legacy I want to leave behind. And I hope my words reach people who need them, who find comfort in them, and who come to choose to live a life of compassion and love. We only get so much time in this world, let’s make it worthwhile.

You can see it in the constellations. It spells our legacy above. There was love, there will always be love.

[kart0]

meds update plus vent

I think if you follow me and read these you can probably tell that I use my Tumblr account as a diary to vent and post art, it's literally the one social media I DONT use bc I don't know how it works and most people don't see these anyways

so I'll keep updating about how I feel and stuff

today is day 3 on antidepressants.

first day was rough, I definitely had a mental breakdown but I am pretty sure it wasn't the meds. I felt a bit dizzy at dinner tho

second day I felt super dizzy, and I didn't eat much, I think it makes me lose my appetite. but I was able to finish the two uni projects I had to submit on the day. I felt very productive. whether this was the meds or not, I don't know. probably it's the placebo effect.

third day, I feel very tired. yet, I am on my period and we travelled to meet family members ( it was very good to see them again, they're mostly elder aunties, and we didn't see them bc of the pandemic ) but I got a headache that didn't really stop and I took a pill. I'm still having this headache, it's a dull, sorta there but not incapacitating. So, I'm feeling very tired, but still, who knows if it's bc of the antidepressants. it's been a hectic day either way. I feel my body buzzing though, and time is weird. but ! I know it can take one to two weeks for the antidepressants start working, so I think I'm just really exhausted from life basically. the mental breakdown I had on the first day really REALLY took a toll on me

I'm currently trying to sleep earlier and wake up in the morning so I can take my meds. it's currently 1:40AM but it's way better than before. I was usually sleeping at 3-4AM. On the first night I went to sleep at 3:00AM, on the second night I was able to sleep at 2:30AM, and now, it's 1:41AM and I think I'll be able to sleep at 2AM after posting this.

I feel tired, and tomorrow ( today ) we have our elections and I feel a bit stressed because of it. and on the upcoming week, it's exam week, and there are a lot of uni projects due as well, so I already know it's probably going to be hard on me. I'm a bit worried that I will get too dizzy to take my exams, and it'll affect my performance. but I guess I can talk to the teachers or something.

I need to open as well commissions, I got into a gacha hole and it was really predatory and, while I didn't get in any financial trouble, it ate up basically all my savings that I kept since I was 12. And I'm still trying really really hard to stop this addiction. Whenever I get the impulse to waste more money I have to pause, breathe deep, look into my sketchbook ( I wrote how much I spent in total, and I wrote goals and promises ) and close the game. It sucks and I feel terrible, for spending and not spending. I know it's of course not worth it, yet the immediate rewards really do kind of brainwash and condition you to keep spending more. So, my goal is to stop spending, get back all the money I spent, maybe selling commissions, but I'm not sure yet but art is the only thing I'm good at. and once I get my money back, I'll lock it. and then, if I do make a profit, then I will use it to treat myself ( rather on games or not ). I'm trying really hard guys, I promise I am

I know it sounds so fucking stupid but I'm actually trying my best. I know it's not enough but I'm trying to be kinder to myself, and to take baby steps. We can't create or stop habits overnight and I really want to get better.

I'll probably keep updates like this: day 3 ( yesterday ), day 5, day 7, day 10, day 15, day 20, day 25, and day 30 ( which then I'll get a new prescription and maybe different meds or different dosages depending on how I feel )

that's all I had to say, pretty big update and a lot of venting.. if you read it til the end, thank you.