scaredpigeons · 1 year ago
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“Let me look at you.”
kaveh x fem!reader
Nsfw 18+ MDNI. Smut. Pussy inspection, teasing, light oral (fem receiving) Kaveh’s a bit mean, but not really and we like it. Established relationship, childhood friends to lovers, yes you both live in Alhaitham’s house still cuz I’ll never separate my otp
———————
You hear the rattle of a doorknob, unable to open. 
Then a thud, as if something hit the door. 
“Darling?” Kaveh’s frustration leaked into his voice. “Are you in there? I forgot my keys again.” 
You smiled, and rose from the sofa to open the door. Your sweet Kaveh stood in the doorway, shoulders slumped and white knuckling his mechanical toolbox, looking at you miserably through his brows. 
“Welcome home,” you stepped aside, allowing him to trudge into the entrance. “ I would ask how your day was…” 
“You would not believe the day I’ve had. I don’t even want to repeat some of the atrocities I had to witness today, let alone the absolute crimes against art as a whole— and I had to just sit there and let him drone on and on!— AND regardless of my experience and clear expertise on the subject, this—this monster absolutely refused to budge on— seriously my love, who in their right mind requests five inch thick mullions on stunning lancet arched windows?! The man's wife wanted them to be Sumerian rose stained glass— which I already ordered the exact amount for, at double the usual rate so they could have it installed in time for their daughter's birthday— and suddenly the man wants mullions?!” 
Your romantic relationship with Kaveh might have been fresh, but being friends with him since childhood gave you plenty of experience with these kinds of moods. You knew this spiral would only ruin his evening, and if left to fester it would consume his entire month. 
“Is there anything I can do to help?” You asked timidly, not wanting to send him into another rant, but not wanting your silence to convince him you don’t care. 
Kaveh huffed, and turned towards you. “Unless you can tell this imbecile of a client that—“ He paused, actually looking at you for the first time since he walked into the house. 
Since moving in with him and Alhaitham, you’d certainly made yourself comfortable in the space. 
The house had little pieces of you scattered here and there; a lavender throw pillow on your favorite couch, new mugs in the cupboard, a framed photo of the three of you from your last trip to the desert—smiling and laughing in the sun while camped at an oasis, but nothing showed how comfortable you were there more than how you dressed around the house. 
When the two of you became adults, you rarely ever saw each other outside of the akadeymia and Lambads tavern, so respectable formal wear was what you wore often. When you started coming over and rekindling your bond with Kaveh, you wanted to impress him, to be attractive to him, so you always dressed your best, always done up. But now…
He gazed longingly at your thighs peeking out from beneath one of his oversized shirts, buttons only done up halfway so that the majority of your chest was visible, placed to just cover your nipples in case someone came home during the day. Your hair was pinned back away from your face using a multitude of his own hair pins, and your face glowed as if it was recently washed. 
You were the pinnacle of beauty to Kaveh. So comfortable in his life— like you were meant to be there all along. He sighed, releasing his tight grip on mehrak to let him hover in place just beside him. 
“Actually, yes.” He sighed again, releasing the tension in his shoulders as he gestured for you with his arms. “Come here, let me hold you for a moment.”
You smiled sweetly and curled up into his embrace, humming happily as he rested himself at the junction of your neck and shoulder, inhaling deeply and groaning a little beneath his breath. 
“You’re perfect, you know that?” He said wistfully. 
You giggled, dropping your head to his shoulder to hide your intense blush. “Stop that! I’m supposed to be making you feel better, dummy.”
“Just having you here like this makes me feel a bit better, love.” He pulled back a bit. “Come now, let me look at you, there’s no need to hide.”
Despite your flustered state, you unwrapped yourself from him, cheeks warming even more at the way his eyes raked across your body.
“You like when I look at how beautiful you are, don't you?” He said, holding your hand in his with a gentle squeeze. Though his tone was still gentle, there was something burning beneath his gaze that had warmth pooling into the pit of your stomach. 
He grinned then, suddenly a bit mischievous in nature. “You know what would really help me de-stress, love?” 
If you hadn’t seen where this was headed before, you certainly knew now— though that didn’t make you any less flustered. Even after so many months, physical intimacy with Kaveh still worked you up just as badly as it had the first time. 
“I’ll do anything for you, Kaveh. You know that.” You murmured, cupping your own cheek in embarrassment.
You feel a light pressure around your limbs and waist, and suddenly you are hoisted into the air, hands together above your head and legs spread. 
“Wait—what?!” You tried to struggle, but the grip that he had mehrak put you in was unshakable. You’d seen Kaveh use this function with mehrak countless times; to swing his claymore, to move building materials, but never once had you seen it used on anyone else. “K-Kaveh! What are y-you doing?!”
His head appeared between your legs, though he was still standing, and you could see now why he had hoisted you so high into the air. 
“Just stay still for me, yeah? I want to look at you.” 
“B-but—“
You were silenced by his long, cool fingers pushing his shirt from where it covered you, and your legs spread even wider, exposing you in your entirety to him. He smiled as he hooked his fingers into your panties, sliding them down your thighs and onto the floor at his feet. 
You continued to squirm as your face bloomed with heat, trying to look away but entranced to watch him as he spread you apart, looking at your center with intense eyes. 
He wiggles your labia around a bit, spreading you open and watching as the strands of your slick glisten between them.
He’s torturing you. Eyes never leaving your cunt as he gently thumbs at your clit, watching it twitch and relishing the moans you can’t bite back. 
The teasing makes you ache, it makes pressure form behind your glossy eyes and deep inside you somewhere shameful. You can feel yourself clenching around nothing as he toys with you, poking and rubbing here and there as if to make sure his eyes don’t miss a single part of you. 
He sees you struggling, and a laugh emerges— light and airy from his chest. 
“Please… you’re teasing too much this time, Kaveh.” You manage to whimper. 
“Oh?” He says, eyes still unwavering from your leaking hole. “What is it you want, my love?” 
You keened, so frustrated with his not-enough-touches and the fact that he’s making you say it. You tried wiggling from the hold on you once more, but it only served to satisfy him more. 
“Please!” You begged. “Please make me cum!” Your blush burned. You couldn’t take it anymore. You needed him, to feel him. 
He hummed contently at your cries, finally looking up at you. His gaze burned with a lust so intense you don’t think you’ve seen it since the first time you ever shared your bodies with one another. It was an all consuming flame, and unlike the first time— this one didn’t startle you. 
Kavehs passion was one of his best qualities, and seeing it take on this form, this desire for you— to have you, to make you his— was something you came to crave. 
“Not yet.” He said. Tone leaning towards condescending. “I’m busy looking. You’ll let me keep looking, right?” 
His gaze trailed back down your body to your aching core, where he continued to run his fingers along your folds, eyes heavy with lust at the slick he touched there.
“After all,” he said. “You're so very pretty, and you know how stressed I get. And playing with this pretty pussy of my very own helps sooo much, you know that dont you?”
His words were dripping in sex—in demeaning condescension, and you were about to explode because of it. You squirmed and struggled more, moaning and crying out at the weight of his heavy gaze, and the lightness of his thumb across your clit. It throbbed, sending waves of need up your limbs and making your hips buck against his touch.
“I really enjoy playing with you like this,” He said darkly. Times like these were the only moments Kaveh ever spoke down to you. He was typically very doting, loving, and non confrontational when it came to your relationship. But when you hear his voice sink like this, hear him speak as if he owns you, it sends your brain into overdrive. 
Finally, finally he brings his tongue up your center, taking a nice firm lick from your clenching hole to your aching clit. He seems to add just the tiniest bit more pressure as his tongue rakes over your clit, and you squeal. 
A low, shuddering orgasm overtakes you, and you crumple into it, trying to milk it for all its worth. You’re shocked that he keeps his tongue gently moving over your clit when he realizes what’s happening though he never moves to make it more intense. He works you through it gently, drinking up your cries of pleasure. Your clit throbs dully with each wave of your orgasm, and right before it becomes something closer to painful, he stops. 
His large hands grip your thighs, and he watches as you continue to twitch with the aftershocks. He watches your orgasm subside, and laughs when you start to squirm needingly so soon after. 
“Awe, poor sweet thing. Not enough?” 
Your fucked out expression was nearly enough to break him. Tears streamed down your flushed cheeks, your eyelids drooped and heavy from the aftermath, but still sparkling with lust from the need for more. 
Truly, Kaveh never felt more blessed than when in these moments with you, and he truly couldn’t even remember the specifics of what exactly had made him so unhappy in the first place. 
He was sure he’d remember eventually, and go back to having more work to do, but for now, he’d rather just enjoy the fire you’ve brought from within him. 
“Alright, alright.” He smiled. “I wasn’t done with you yet anyways.” 
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pinenutposts · 1 month ago
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I am old enough to have watched Twin Peaks on tv in its original run (I was a child, mind you, but I did catch a few episodes of season 2 while my mom and stepdad were watching it.) I didn't see the entire series until it was re-aired on Bravo when I was in high school. I also read the Secret Diary of Laura Palmer by Jennifer Lynch (very eye opening for a relatively sheltered girl like me, and also crucial to understanding the show from Laura's perspective, before FWWM existed). I subscribed to the legendary fanzine Wrapped in Plastic by Craig Miller and John Thorne, through my local comic book store. I read alt.tv.twinpeaks. I read theories and news on websites like Glastonberry Grove and Mike Dunn's Lynchnet. I asked my dad to buy me the book of essays "Critical Approaches to Twin Peaks" from Wayne State University Press, and was introduced to things like Foucault, Critical Theory, and Feminist Theory, while my little teenage brain was just entering college and starting to work out what "critical thinking" even was. I obsessed over David Lynch and his art.
Why I mention all this, is that I think having been this type of fan for my entire adult life, and my formative teenage years, I'm able to hold several different and sometimes contradictory opinions about Twin Peaks and its creators, and more importantly, I'm able to enjoy wildly varied aspects of the show and fandom, all at the same time!
When I first saw The Return in 2017, it absolutely repulsed me. I hated it. Then last year I picked up "Ominous Woosh - A Wandering Mind Returns to Twin Peaks," by John Thorne, the only currently living editor of Wrapped in Plastic, and it opened my mind to understanding The Return in a way that I wasn't able to before. I'm not saying it's the definitive explanation (and he certainly does not claim that), but it helped me see it in a way that I just couldn't before, and even begin to enjoy it. There are still parts of it I deeply dislike (just like there are parts of the original series I deeply dislike), but that's okay. Twin Peaks is not a one size fits all. It can be approached from many different viewpoints and readings, and as David Lynch has said about all of his work, everyone will have a different experience of it based on their own experience and perspective. My views of Twin Peaks, including who I ship and don't ship, have certainly changed over the course of three decades!
I would like to encourage people who become frustrated and disappointed at the turns the show takes, and how the third season feels vastly different from what came before, to consider the history of the show. What happened with the network, the actors, Lynch's movie career, when it was made, why it ended when it did. And of course The Return doesn't look or feel like a show made in 1990! It's 25 years later! Lynch and Frost are old men now! Half the cast is dead! It would be absurd if it seamlessly picked up where season 2 (which was a jumbled, but still lovable mess, itself) left off. There's no way it could.
If season 3 had been allowed to be made as originally planned in the '90s, it would look vastly different than The Return. I will forever mourn what could have been, but that's the stuff of fanfiction now. Also, we may not have gotten the masterpiece that is Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, which I consider to be the creative and emotional pinnacle of the series, and absolutely critical to having a full picture of what Twin Peaks is about, if the show had continued. Just food for thought.
I'm also an advocate of simply ignoring things if you really don't like them. There's no reason one has to accept The Return, or even parts of season 2 as part of your own personal headcanon. As the creators will say, there really is no definitive "canon" in the Twin Peaks universe!
I don't really know what the purpose of this ramble was, but I felt like going on about it because Twin Peaks has been my "favorite song" for years, and I'm always thinking about it in one way or another ^_^
- Pine Nut
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thelordwhohealsyou · 2 years ago
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Healing in Romans
The Epistles are the letters written to the early churches by apostles. Paul is the author of most of these letters, but others were written by John, Peter, and James. The author of some letters are unknown, such as the book of Hebrews, which has been attributed to various individuals. Some see the Bible as progressive revelation and believe the Epistles are the pinnacle of God’s revelation of Himself to man. It is like reading a novel—you cannot wait to get to the end to see what happens. If you start a novel by reading the ending, as many do, then the suspense is taken away. If all you do is focus on the end, then you miss the journey and you cannot interpret what is happening.
I’ll never forget walking into the movie First Knight with my wife and another couple. It is a movie about King Arthur, a favorite historical character of mine. We came in during the trial scene at the very end of the movie when Prince Malagant tries to take over Camelot. It is a powerful finish to a great movie, but we were left wondering so much. There is no way we could have understood what was happening without coming back to watch the entire movie. The ending had to be interpreted in light of the entirety. The end did not nullify anything that came before, but rather brought conclusion to much of what had taken place. As with many movies, I was left begging for a sequel. What happens to Lancelot and Guinevere? What happens to Camelot? There may have never been a kingdom in history to rival Camelot with respect to honor and nobility, but that is not to say that there cannot be another. Many have sought to learn how to bring unity to a team from Arthur’s humble servant leadership. Some of the most successful corporations today use the same concepts of shared leadership and vision that made Camelot great. Camelot may be fact or it may be fiction. The Bible, on the other hand, is true. Its stories are true. We must learn to replicate it in every facet of our lives.
It is also essential to understand that the Epistles were all written in the context of the book of Acts. This is critical to understanding the teachings of any of the writers. Throughout my training as a student of God’s Word, it was drilled into me that context is king. This means that every passage must be interpreted within its context, including the passages around it, the historical setting, the geographical setting, as well as the rest of Scripture. In the last chapter, we saw much of what was happening in the apostle Paul’s life as he wrote these letters to the churches. He was healing the sick, casting out demons, raising the dead, taking the gospel to the Gentiles, teaching and preaching, and facing many trials in the midst of this journey.
Some would say that Paul didn’t spend much time teaching about healing and, therefore, it either must not have been important or it must not have been something that he wanted to pass along to others. If healing is something that you pursue, in ministry or in the study of Scripture, your understanding of the subject will climax and crystallize under the teachings of Paul, who was able to do the extraordinary miracles. Passages that I had read dozens, if not a hundred times, came alive in such a new dimension as I began to learn that today our ministry casts out evil spirits and sees the sick healed. As I begin the task before me of unveiling the mystery of healing in the Epistles, I am aware that the task is greater than my human ability. I am in desperate need of divine anointing and understanding to lead me. Maybe this is what a director faces when he is producing a great scene like the one just described in First Knight. May I bring honor to the Lord and exceed my human frailties. May our eyes be opened as the story climaxes in the writings of the apostle to truly grasp the masterpiece within them. Amen.
We cannot help but bring our experience—or lack thereof—into our interpretation of Scripture. This was the ruler I used before I experienced the power of God operating in my life: to demean all who would say they believed in the miraculous because they had experienced it. As a student of God’s Word, I had not experienced these things, though I had read and prayed faithfully, served God, and followed Him my entire life. The foundation of this belief was Scripture, and therefore I, as well as the other students like me, could not accept anything anyone said just because of an experience. The one thing we failed to realize was that we were interpreting Scripture through the lens of what we had not experienced. It was like, “We won’t believe until we have seen it with our own eyes.” This is the opposite of faith. It is unbelief, and it was exactly what kept the religious people of Jesus’ day from recognizing the Messiah. They couldn’t do what He did and the disciples did, yet they considered themselves righteous guardians of the truth; therefore they considered the apostles to be heretics.
If our experience does not line up with Scripture, we are not to interpret the Word of God through what we have seen or experienced. Now that I have experienced the power of God, healing, miracles, and signs, I understand the same dilemma from another vantage point. Thanks to my training, I want to find everything in Scripture. There are things that I could not see before because it was difficult for me to see something about healing, since it was like a foreign language to me. Now that it has become my pursuit to understand what the Bible teaches about healing, I have had firsthand experience with this topic that makes it easier to see what I could not see before. It was there all the time; I just couldn’t see it.
Every day, science allows experience to change its belief about the natural world. If you observe something over and over again, even if it goes against your theory or belief system, it will shape your interpretation. “The world is flat.” That was considered an established fact at one time. Everyone knew it. All you had to do was look at the ground around you to know that. Now we know that what was once thought to be fact was incorrect, because the experience that informed that theory was gathered from a weak vantage point. Similarly, many said man could not fly. People had tried and failed. It seemed like there was especially no way that hundreds of people could sit on tons of metal, plastic, wires, and gears to fly for hours across oceans. The possibilities had always been there but were yet undiscovered. Can you imagine when years later someone who had flown a plane reached people who had never flown or even heard it was possible? Can you imagine how hard it would be to convince them of what he had done? Could those same skeptics ever convince the one who had flown that he hadn’t flown? Never! He knew it, even if he couldn’t explain it.
Paul starts the first letter, now the book of Romans, with a powerful passage that interprets for us much of the world around us in light of the chaos and destruction. It fits perfectly with our previous understanding of sickness and its roots. We learn that the gospel is the answer to this chaos when Paul says, “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, ‘The just shall live by faith’” (Rom. 1:16–17). He is summarizing here much of what we will see ahead. As we understand the gospel, faith, righteousness, the power of God, and salvation, we will understand more of the fulfillment of the Father’s heart and desire. Jesus is our climax, the pinnacle of our faith.
Paul goes on to reveal a very dark picture, the picture of reality. This is the picture I wish movies would paint today. It is very real. It is the true result of sin. He shows the downward spiral that sin and a life separated from God, His Word, and His ways leads to.
The wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness. —ROMANS 1:18
This statement summarizes what Paul is about to say. God loves man; but He hates sin, and sin has consequences. Otherwise, our world would be in even greater shambles. Notice where God’s anger is centered. Is it centered on the men or their deeds? The men are simply guilty of suppressing the truth and participating in the unrighteousness and, therefore, they get in the way of God’s wrath. If it isn’t totally clear already, it will become even clearer that God’s love is overwhelming. He wants men to get out of the way of His wrath and get into His love and protection so much that He sent His only Son for this. But if you participate in unrighteousness you will get in the way of the consequences He has put in motion. That doesn’t mean God hates you, is angry with you, or that He doesn’t love you. Lying is my enemy, and when my kids lie it makes me angry. I love them and don’t for one second stop loving them, but I’m upset with lying and long to separate them from the sin of lying because it will destroy them. I want to stop it; therefore, I give my kids consequences for lying so they will learn to hate lying as much as I do.
In the verses that follow, Paul is helping us to see, that no one is without guilt. God has been speaking to man from the beginning of time. Creation is a letter from God. His divine attributes, His love, and His goodness are all revealed in nature. You can see it in the sunset, all the colors of the birds, the marvel of a rose, the majesty of the mountains, and the splendor of the ocean. This is why Paul says all of us are “without excuse” (Rom. 1:20). We see things degenerate from bad to worse. It starts with knowing God but not glorifying Him as God; or being thankful, yet developing futile thoughts and foolish hearts that become darkened. Then it moves on further to professing oneself to be wise, which is really foolishness, and then on to taking the image of God and changing it to make God like us or like nature. Rather than seeing God in nature, some have come to see nature as God. The difference is as vast as the ocean is wide. It is like seeing a person as a pen. You might learn something about the person by looking at his pen, but the pen is totally distinct from the person. It is crazy to make creation, nature, animals, or mankind a god (Rom. 1:19–22).
The result of this foolishness is described in Romans 1:24, “God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lust of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves.” God allowed us—you and me and everyone around us—to choose. He allowed us the freedom to follow His perfect way or to choose another, and we have, all throughout our lives, chosen another way many times. When we pursue any lustful desire apart from God’s order, God allows us to choose—knowing what we will experience. Every parent faces that time in our lives when we have to let go. We hope and pray that our children listen to our counsel and make wise choices. Even some of the greatest parents have had to watch a son or daughter learn very difficult lessons the hard way. All of us have tested those lessons from our moms and dads and ended up at some point wishing we had just listened and obeyed. God is willing to parent us, guide us, and protect us, but when we move out, we can choose to follow Him or not. If we do not, then we will certainly face the consequences of our own decisions.
In Romans 1:25, we see that people “exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator.” Today society calls truth a lie, and lies are our truth. In an age of relativism, the rules have been rewritten so that if you believe it, then it’s true for you. Next we see mankind worshipping creation rather than the Creator. There are those who worship money, cars, sex, women, men, drugs, and other created things. All these things fail us. Again God allows us to keep going, keep running away. He has allowed mankind to go after vile passions like homosexuality, lesbianism, and every other form of unnatural sex. God says that as we do that, we receive the penalty that is due us. A judge may love the person standing in front of him on trial. If the judge is a good judge, however, he will give the same penalty to any guilty person, whether friend, foe, or the unfamiliar.
Then we see things get even worse: “Even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting” (Rom. 1:28). Last night a friend who was facing the possible breakup of his marriage told how he had been blinded by his own depression and lust, keeping him from realizing the destructive path he was taking. We had just prayed together the week before, and he didn’t want ministry or counsel. He was infatuated with another woman, who desired to leave her husband and kids just as my friend would leave his wife and kids. Praise the Lord, he said that his eyes were opened one day as he saw the devastation that this would bring, and he now wants help to deal with his issues. He has stopped blaming everything on his wife. My friend didn’t want counsel for a while. He knew the truth, but wanted to forget it, thinking there might be a better way. His story illustrates exactly what the apostle Paul described in Romans 1 except that he woke up in the midst of the downward spiral and turned back to God.
We then read a long, though not exhaustive, list of lies that people are filled with that separate them from God:
God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful. —ROMANS 1:28–32
Would you dare take the time to circle the ones that pertain to you? Are you proud that you don’t have any of those? If so, then you probably struggle with pride. Many of these have so permeated our culture that often we cannot even recognize them in ourselves or our friends. Most people who come for ministry, when asked if they hold unforgiveness, say they don’t have any. As we teach or discuss their life, they often become aware of a list of people whom they are holding unforgiveness toward.
Look at the conclusion to this chapter: “Who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them” (Rom. 1:32). Here we see that our unrighteousness deserves death. It even states that this is something people instinctively know within themselves. If we do these things or anything else that is not according to God’s way, then we deserve the penalty (Rom. 1:27). If all we eat are bonbons all day, everyday, then we deserve to have our teeth fall out and suffer all the other physical illnesses that a diet of bonbons would cause. In the same way, sin has consequences. God has established our bodies to work in certain ways. He didn’t create them to be bitter, so when someone is bitter, his body doesn’t function as well. If you are a worrier, then your faith in God is not what it should be (a nice way of stating that you are committing the sin of unbelief). Your body was not designed to operate with the chemical reactions that worry, stress, and fear produce within you. Science can give you a pill to deal with the symptoms, but the worry continues, unless you take a pill to numb your senses. There is a better way than treating the symptoms. It is dealing with the root cause.
We have excuses for and give other names to our sin. When our bodies start to shut down, we don’t want to hear if sin is at the root. But we also don’t want the consequences, so we ask God to heal us and then doubt Him when He doesn’t. Or we make God like us—we cannot do anything about sickness, therefore God doesn’t do anything about sickness. We assume it can’t be our sin, since we don’t have any sin because we accepted Jesus. We think to ourselves, “The consequences of my fear, unbelief, bitterness, pride, and greed won’t touch me because I’m a Christian.” The Greek word for that is hogwash. If I drive into a brick wall at 90 miles an hour, the fact that I’m a Christian doesn’t mean it won’t hurt me. I may end up in heaven, but I won’t walk away from that crash barring an extraordinary miracle.
Sin has consequences. Have we heard that before? Does sin have consequences in a Christian’s life? Yes! Does sin affect our bodies? Yes! Has God done anything about that and does His Word teach us about this? Yes! Now it gets really good.
In Romans 2:5–11 we find greater clarity. Through our hard and unrepentant hearts, we store up God’s anger and righteous judgment. God is right to be angry and to judge our sins. It is right that sin has consequences. God’s heart is to give us life, and even abundant life. That is His heart for His children. The writer Paul points out that God is not at all partial. If you are a believer and you sin, the consequences are the same for you as for an unbeliever. If an unbeliever does right, then he will receive the reward of that. If an unbeliever forgives others; eats a healthy diet; doesn’t get fearful, anxious, or worried about life; stays away from the occult; and avoids harmful drugs, he will receive the benefits of those things and can live a relatively peaceful and even joyful life. Someone goes to church every week, asks Jesus to come into his life, and reads his Bible daily will still suffer the consequences of his actions if he harbors unforgiveness; is filled with greed; or gives in to lust, addictions, and gossip. If we don’t trust God and if we worry, stress out, and fear, we will see the effect these things have upon our body. The passage isn’t teaching salvation by works—the belief that by doing enough good, or at least more good than bad, will get a person into heaven. It simply says that no matter who you are, following God’s way works, whether you know God or you don’t. Following God has rewards. Disobedience has consequences. These consequences can even affect our physical bodies.
Medicine can show a direct correlation between our thoughts, attitudes and actions, and our medical well-being. The American Medical Association says that 80 percent of illnesses have no physical root, but are instead caused by psychosomatic sources. In The Unshakable Kingdom and the Unchanging Person, Dr. McLaughlin of the Women’s Medical College of Philadelphia is quoted that 80 percent of illnesses have a spiritual root.1 Medical research has tied many of these illnesses to things like stress, fear, bitterness, hatred, and other factors that we know to be spiritual. Christ can set us free from the sins that we prefer to call “conditions.” We need spiritual answers more than psychological answers. The church has wrongly looked to psychology because they became inept at operating in God’s power and being led by the Holy Spirit to provide spiritual answers to spiritual problems.
Romans 2:13–15 makes it clear that it is not those who hear and know the laws of God—religious people—but those who obey His laws who will be justified. Many people are doing the right things without even knowing they are obeying God. They are simply forgiving because they know it is the right thing to do. They have learned to deal with stress. They may not have a clear understanding of faith; but they have learned how to love others and not hate themselves, to forgive and to be at peace, and therefore they receive the reward of living in accordance with God’s commands, as opposed to someone who knows the truth but does not apply it. Though this passage talks specifically about justification, the same is true of those who have not even studied God’s Word but are doing what is right. They will experience the blessings of God.
Romans 3 powerfully expresses God’s divine strategy for salvation. Let me remind you that the word salvation comes from the Greek word sozo, which means so much more than I ever realized. The word means “whole, healed, and delivered.” It is translated “to be made whole, healed and saved.”2 God is interested in making the entire person whole. Romans 3:9– 20 paints a bleak picture of the scope of human sin. It is totally pervasive. Everyone has been infected by sin; the consequences are all over us. It has led to misery and despair in our lives. The fruit of sin is all around us, and sickness is just one of the many results that abound. There is divorce, murder, lust, rage, envy, greed, violence, hatred, bitterness, and more. Sickness, disease, wars, addictions, depression, suicide, and worse abound as a result.
Then we find the answer to all of this. In the Father’s infinite love, a plan was devised that could turn everything around. Adam and Eve were the only ones to experience a world free from sin and its devastating effects. Once they sinned, the consequences came, and all men have sinned and reaped both the present consequences of sin, as well as the eternal consequences. God the Father made a way to restore righteousness through the greatest act of love ever demonstrated. By God’s amazing grace, He gave Jesus Christ, His only Son, to become a sacrifice that was worthy to cover all our sin and to deal with the devastating consequences of sin. This is why Jesus could forgive men for their sins. He had come to be that onceand-for-all sacrifice. The devastating truth that all of us have sinned and, therefore, are receiving our just punishment has been eclipsed by a greater truth—God loves us and has given the ultimate sacrifice so the effects of our sins can be removed and God’s blessings, both temporal as well as eternal, can be restored. We can be saved, made whole, healed, and set free because of the gift of Jesus’ precious life. Does this have bearing on our healing? You bet it does! This fits the entire theme of Scripture. Take all the benefits; they are all free.
The book of Romans is written to help us understand the Gospels to a greater degree. This book is a rich explanation of the message preached by the New Testament church. We learn the key behind having our sins forgiven. Quoting from the Psalms, we read, “Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, And whose sins are covered; Blessed is the man to whom the LORD shall not impute sin” (Rom. 4:7–8). The author makes it clear in verse 9 that the key is faith, “For we say that faith was accounted to Abraham for righteousness” (Rom. 4:9). Chapter 3 made it clear that everyone has sinned and turned from God’s way. Our faith in the finished work of Jesus cleanses us of our sin and restores our righteousness. There is healing in the atonement. Salvation means healing. Did I say that before? I’m repeating it for emphasis. Get it into your thinking. If you say, Jesus saved me, you are saying He has made you whole, healed you, and set you free. If you are not experiencing that fully, it is not because Christ’s death did not provide for your complete salvation, wholeness, healing, and eternal reward. There are many things that Christ has made available to us that we have not appropriated.
This theme is repeated, explained, and emphasized throughout the book of Romans.
Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him. For if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. —ROMANS 5:9–10
Paul’s healing ministry was based upon the truth that the death of Jesus made a way for our sins to be forgiven and for us to be healed, made whole, and saved. In Romans 5:21 we read, “So that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” Eternal life starts when you receive Jesus. Salvation leads to life, whereas sin leads to death. Jesus reversed the curse by becoming a curse for us. Again, we must appropriate this blessing. It is not automatic.
We go on to learn that once we were slaves of sin that led ultimately to death, but now in Christ we have become servants of righteousness (Rom. 6:16–18). As servants of God, through faith we begin to experience the fruit of righteousness. All the fruit of God’s love and His kingdom come through the channel of our faith in what Christ has done. The ultimate fulfillment of this is eternal life, but part of the atonement is life here and now that is abundant. All the fruit, the fulfilled promises of God, come as a result of placing our faith in Jesus’ finished work of redemption.
There is a daily battle that everyone faces between walking in accordance with God’s will and disobedience to God. Romans 7 paints this honest, real-life picture so well. It is clear in this passage that God’s law is not the problem, but the fact that we fall short of God’s law and sin takes over. Since we face this constant battle of sin, we are constantly faced with the consequences of our sin. Romans 7:24 puts it like this, “O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?” The answer comes in verse 25, “I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!”
Romans 8 is clearly a pinnacle in the expression of how glorious our salvation is. But again, salvation is so much more than just a future provision. The picture we see in Romans 8 is one of a transformation that is both spiritual and physical, coming out of our faith in Christ. Just look at the language of a man who was used to dealing with physical healing, “But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you” (Rom. 8:11). Paul is talking about a salvation that is both eternal and present. We in the West tend to think only of eternal salvation. Salvation begins now. It begins with a whole body, mind, and spirit that culminates ultimately in a glorified body.
For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” —ROMANS 8:13–15
The Hebrew word Abba is like our English word “daddy.” Your Daddy wants to bring life to you—body, soul, and spirit. He has adopted you through Christ’s finished work into His family, and within that family your inheritance includes all of the blessings of God. No more bondage, no more fear. Now the Lord has come to bring us life, a wholeness that will transform us now and bring us home one day to ultimate wholeness.
One overriding theme of Romans is our great salvation. Paul expresses his longing for the salvation of the Jews in Romans 10 as he says they have a zeal for God that is not based upon correct knowledge of God, but upon their own righteousness. Paul’s heart is broken for his people. This passage reminds me of when Jesus was surrounded by the religious zealots of His day. They couldn’t receive their healing and forgiveness or recognize the truth when it stared them in the face. They were spiritually blind, selfrighteous, and missed God’s redemptive plan available for them. Salvation —wholeness—is a wonderful gift that we cannot obtain through our own righteousness. It comes “if you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved (Rom. 10:9, NIV).
Read Romans 10:9 again, substituting the phrase made whole for the word saved. It would read, “If you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be made whole. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are made whole.” Or change the translation to read healed. Why not? If this fits what we know of the Father, why isn’t Paul applying the truth of salvation to a broader context of our wholeness of body, mind, and spirit now? Do we struggle with this because our experience tells us that most Christians are not experiencing this wholeness in their entire being?
Well, let’s ask how many Christians are living what Romans 12:1–2 teaches us. Have we offered our bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God? Or have we been conformed to this world? Have we been transformed by renewing our mind? I thought that I had been renewed in my mind, and I had never learned about what Jesus taught the disciples in regard to healing or casting out evil spirits. In Romans 12:9–21 we find a higher standard than the Law. If we apply the principles of love stated in these verses, we would experience so much healing. We see devotion, honor, brotherly love, spiritual fervor, joyful hope, patience in affliction, faithful prayer, benevolence, hospitality, and then it really gets interesting. Beginning in verse 14 we read, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse” (NIV). In just the last week I had a Christian wife tell me there was no way she could bless her husband because of how he spends money. I once heard a pastor say he would throw up if he had to bless his mother. How can we be whole if we can’t live the Christian life? Was Paul being facetious and asking us to do something that was impossible so that God’s grace and forgiveness could be more evident? Or did he mean literally what he said? Further on we read, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil . . . .If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink” (Rom. 12:17, 20, NIV). We think that our enemies are those who hate God. Most of the time the person who we treat as an enemy is the wife we blame for our misery or a parent who has wounded us or our next door neighbors who play their music too loud. Our enemy can be anyone who upsets us, knowingly or unknowingly. Forgiveness is only the first step. If we cannot take the step of forgiving those who have hurt us and fail to bless them, serve them, or pray for them, we won’t receive the blessings God wants to give us. If we do the things written in these verses, we will find that God hears our prayers, our spirit will soar, and our bodies will experience the fruit of God’s kingdom.
In Romans 13 this theme continues with the admonition to honor and submit to those in authority over us. If we fail to do this, we are told we will bring judgment on ourselves (Rom. 13:2). Who brings on the judgment? We do, by our sin. What is God’s way? “‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law” (Rom. 13:9–10). Love is the key to fulfilling God’s Law, and everyone in Paul’s audience is aware of all the blessing attached to obedience. God’s blessings are what the Father has desired to give us from the beginning of time. Christ has made the blessings possible for us who believe. Belief and faith are evidenced by our work. If we do the works of the Father, then we show that we believe.
As Paul moves on toward the close of his letter to the Romans, he reminds us of the context of all He has said: “By the power of signs and miracles, through the power of the Spirit. . . . It has always been my ambition to preach the gospel where Christ was not known (Rom. 15:19– 20, NIV). Paul sets the foundation for the validity of His ministry—the power of signs and miracles. Paul imitated Jesus in message and ministry and called others to imitate him as he imitated Christ. The power of God validated his ministry. It is this context that adds to our understanding of his teaching. Paul in no way stated that He alone has this as a sign of his ministry. He in no way anywhere stated that these factors that validated his ministry were unique to him or his era, which would end. He was simply stating that these miracles were a validation of his ministry.
If this were a standard of our imitation of Christ or of our ministry, where would you rate? This is not intended to condemn, but to motivate. If it is possible to find the keys and apply them like Paul in order to see the same results today, shouldn’t we press on? If our ministry doesn’t meet this standard, is it right to then develop a theology that makes us more comfortable with our mediocrity? Isn’t that what we have done? Out of a lack of experience, have we sought explanations and developed belief systems that actually work against a biblical faith and ministry? Could it be that a greater understanding of the fullness of the gospel and our salvation would lead to greater faith and, thus, greater miracles, signs, and wonders? I believe that every miracle and sign we see from Paul related to either someone being healed or an evil spirit being cast out. Some would try to spiritualize and say that Paul is really referring here to souls, but nothing in all of God’s Word would support that.
One final note that leapt from this letter to the Romans is in Paul’s closing comments to individuals, where we read, “Greet Andronicus and Junias, my relatives who have been in prison with me. They are outstanding among the apostles” (Rom. 16:7, NIV). It would seem that there are two other apostles whom we know nothing about. Who are these two and what made them great among the apostles? If these two are mentioned as apostles, how many more like them are never spoken of? I bring this up because some have argued that the miracles ceased with the death of the last apostles. But if new apostles kept springing up, when was the last one alive? That is a ridiculous question. No one can point to a passage where we are told that any of the gifts will end or did end. In the next chapter, we will address the one passage in 1 Corinthians 13 that some falsely use to say the gifts have ceased.
Summary
Praise God that He has not stopped loving us as a daddy. God the Father is our loving Father and Daddy, who delights to do miracles, heal our infirmities, and cleanse us of all our sin. He has provided all of this through Jesus’ death on the cross. If we live with less, it is not His fault. The greatest sacrifice of all time came at a high price and is more valuable than any of us could ever imagine. Our inheritance is just waiting for us to receive it and walk in it. You can be whole in body, soul, and spirit.
The atonement is the foundation for effective healing ministry. Healing is part of the blessing of God that was lost as a result of our sin. Christ came to destroy the curse and paid the highest price to bring the blessing of God to bear in our lives. Just as to receive salvation one must confess his or her sins, repent, and place faith in Jesus Christ, so our healing comes when we recognize our sin, take responsibility for it, confess it, repent, and call to God by faith. Paul masterfully expresses the wonder of God’s atonement in the context of a ministry that was filled with healing, signs, and wonders. Generational curses are broken, the curse of our own sin is broken, our sins can be washed away, and all of the blessings of God are at our disposal. In fact, your Father loves you and longs to lavish that love upon you.
Questions
In Romans 1:28–32 what in the list of sins would you say is rampant in the church today?
Does sin have consequences in a Christian’s life? Does sin affect our bodies? Has God done anything about that, and does His Word teach us about it?
“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse” (Rom. 12:14, NIV). How can we be whole if we can’t live the Christian life? Was Paul being facetious and asking us to do something that was impossible so that God’s grace and forgiveness could be more evident? Or did he mean literally what he said?
“By the power of signs and miracles, through the power of the Spirit. . . . It has always been my ambition to preach the gospel where Christ was not known” (Rom. 15:19–20, NIV). If it is possible to find the keys and apply them like Paul in order to see the same results today, shouldn’t we press on? If our ministry doesn’t meet this standard, is it right to then develop a theology that makes us more comfortable with our mediocrity? Isn’t that what we have done?
Out of a lack of experience, have we sought explanations and developed belief systems that actually work against a biblical faith and ministry?
Could it be that a greater understanding of the fullness of the gospel and our salvation would lead to greater faith and, thus, greater miracles, signs, and wonders?
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dreamcatcherfication · 2 years ago
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If Kate (@lesducks) can reblog every Nancy Wheeler gif then I can reblog every Dreamcatcher gif fuck you
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enlightenedrobot · 4 years ago
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On Shame
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Alright, I'm writing this off the cuff. No outline, only the mildest idea of where I wanna go with this, but I'd like to talk a bit about myself for a moment.
Earlier today, Lindsay put out a video titles mask off, where she basically addresses various accusations put up against her in bad faith. I don't want to talk too much about her, but I do have to mention that I largely agree with her and kinda sorta share her frustration with the culture created by Social Media.
Anyways... at about 1:20:00 in a video, Lindsay Ellis starts talking about how bizarre it is that we have so many campaigns against minor left-leaning barely celebs while actual racists somehow manage to keep their platforms.
"Are there not enough out and proud racists that you feel the need to unmask the My Little Pony Youtuber?"
"Because you can't impact people who are actually doing your community harm, you can't shame the shameless... So you shame those who can't be shamed those who can be shamed. And if you call one of us bigoted enough times, people will start to believe it. And then you can feel like you solved racism by spreading lies about a person you have never met, and never will, and was doing you and your community no harm. Well done."
That... resonates with me.
You guys don't know it... but I've been falling off my social media game. I had an ongoing blog, I shared my opinions and hot takes, and every now and then I'd make a post that would take off. I never became an influencer, or even necessarily even popular, but I had a thing going on that I was proud of.
And even better, it's how I was teaching myself to write. The word "writer" is literally in my bio.
For a lot of this last year, I've been trying to find out why I fell off. Why it's so much harder for me to write down my thoughts and post them. and thanks to Lindsay, I think I finally figured out why.
I'm a coward. I'm terrified of better-than-though social justice gatekeepers who will pick apart every little thing you say to find some sort of hidden racism. They'll call you out for liking and relating to a black character in a cartoon created by a black man because that character "isn't black enough", or refer to a post I make about a Hip Hop artist I happen to really like as "white-nonsense".
Here's the thing. I'm not white.
I'm also not straight or cis or able-bodied. I would not consider myself among the most oppressed people in the world... but dear god, it's not a contest and I'm sick of pretending that I'm not a victim.
I'm so scared of this mob of people who just don't matter, that I'm letting them literally silence me. Keep in mind, these are the same people who are always "Elevate POC voices" and "don't let white people silence you."
If you people really want to elevate POC voices, then you have to realize that also means recognizing POC as people. We're not some monolith shouting racism at Disney movies, we're individuals of different backgrounds and cultures and thoughts.
And yes, we do have shared experiences. To be a member of any culture means you'll inevitably come across situations where you experience similar microaggressions or are harmed by the same institutions you guys have to realize... I can't talk for anyone other than myself.
Anyways, The entire situation wind Lindsay Ellis apparently started with this tweet:
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For whatever reason, people thought Lindsay was negatively comparing Raya to Avatar, and by extension she was also implying that Southeast Asians were the same as East Asians.
She wasn't, she explains her POV in her video, and frankly... I kind of agree with her.
And look... I'm literally Filipino. Raya the Last Dragon is my representation, and like literally everybody else who saw the trailer when it first came out, my thoughts were "Oh. So Disney's doing Avatar now."
I bring this up because... wow was this a weird situation to follow. Lindsay posts a very luke-warm take on twitter, gets cancelled, and deletes her account, all the while people are making claims that Raya the Last Dragon is some kind of pinnacle of Southeast Asian representation, and that somehow, her lukewarm, often repeated take on a Disney Movie, a take which I, an actual Southeast Asian, happen to share... that's what's silencing us?
Like... the people stopping us from speaking up isn't some milk toast breadtuber.
I'm confident people will disagree with me, but I've never been victimized by Lindsay Ellis or her peers. If anything, I just get more excited to voice my own opinions. She's just out there doing her thing on Twitter and Youtube, and if I had any sense, I'd be trying to pursue my own thing.
And let's be real here, the reason why I stopped pursuing my own thing is the same reason Lindsey was canceled in the first place. We're scared of being shamed.
I don't even have the same hatedom Lindsey does, and I'm still scared of it. Even after I post this editorial, that fear's going to continue to linger. I'm worried that people are gonna read this entire thing and start calling me a Lindsay Ellis simp or whitewashed or whatever bullshit racist nonsense they're gonna project onto me.
But if I ever want to continue living my life, producing the content I want to make, writing the posts I want to write, then I'm gonna take a page out of Lindsay's book.
Shame is cancelled. I have no brand. All that's left is me.
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songofwizardry · 4 years ago
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In honour of this week’s Critical Role episode, here are some Beau Moments, mostly about Thoreau and institutions and abuse of power, that have stuck with me really hard. Mostly because I wanted to go back through and compile these moments, because I just really fucking love Beau. 
C2E004 2:15:39
Dairon: “Your dislike for authority is not a bad thing. It can keep you alive. Authority should always be questioned. Those with more power than you should be held to a higher standard.”
[Training montage]
Beau: “Why are you doing this? Why me?”
Dairon: “Because a long time ago, I was a wayward girl with no direction, was angry, and fighting at the world. And someone did this for me.”
Beau: “I don't really believe in systems or being a part of them, let alone a system that takes down other systems. Seems almost hypocritical.”
Dairon: “Perhaps. Who knows. Maybe one day you'll find the corruption inside our own.”
C2E024 1:14:31
Beau: “I don't know, I just grew to hate the town that I was in and the system that my father was a part of and so everything--”
Nott: “Is he a bad person?”
Beau: “He wasn't a bad person. I think he just had bad direction. I don't know, he could've been a good dad. He was a shitty dad and a good businessman.”
[...]
Nott: “Wait, this was not by choice? You were abducted by monks?! ... Are you okay?”
Beau: “Sure. Great.”
Nott: “Was it hard?”
Beau: “Yeah. I mean, there were elements that were hard, but everyone has had hardships, right? What's it matter? Besides, he sent me off to the monks. I think he was hoping that they were going to beat my indiscretions out of me. Instead, I think all of the things that my father saw in me that he hated, the monks saw as a potential advantage. So, in a weird way, I think it might've been the nicest thing he ever did for me. ... I mean, I still never really want to see him again, and I don't think he wants to see me again, either. In fact, he told that he didn't want to see me again. So it's good. Yeah.”
C2E092 1:35:50
Beau: “I feel like I've found my family with The Mighty Nein. I don't like looking at my past, because it doesn't have The Mighty Nein in it, and I think I put off the inevitable, because I'm going to-- I'm afraid it's going to be like my past.”
Fjord: “I don't think one contaminates the other. You've got good, solid footing here. I mean, shit, if we want to run, we run. If we want to kick his ass, we'll kick his ass.”
Beau: “Yeah... I kind of want to kick his ass, and I don't want to run.”
Fjord: “Could I ask you, in your wildest dreams, and feel free to say you don't want to tell me, what would you have happen when we go there?”
Beau: “I think I've worked so hard because I scripted this day, in my inevitable future that I would go back to him, successful woman, respectable member of society, Cobalt Soul, an Expositor, the thing he threw me away to, and I embraced. And then, I would get mad at myself, because I felt like I was doing exactly what he was doing to me my entire life, scripting me to be something else. And I'm still doing it. I haven't seen him in three years, and I'm still trying to be... something. And I think what's scary is that I like this, and what I've found, and I don't think it was until Nott started talking about having to go home and go away that it truly started terrifying me. Because for the first time, I'm happy. And what if that goes away?”
C2E092 3:41:30
Thoreau: “Look, I know you-- I know we've had our  differences. And I've not-- I've not been the pinnacle of a father, in the same way that you've not been a pinnacle of a daughter. I accept my responsibilities in the things that I've, maybe been a bit harsh on. But look what you've become.”
Beau: “It feels like a weird justification of your behaviours, but I'd like to hope that what I became had nothing to fucking do with you, but maybe I'd be lying to myself.”
Beau: “Yeah, I was difficult... but I thought a Dad was supposed to stay by their kid when they're having a fucking hard time.”
C2E125 02:54:15
Yudala Fon: “First, let me say, thank you for being honest about your experience with the Expositor, and aiding us in finding this link and exposing a very serious seed of corruption within our very... sorry... group. Let me please extend my sincerest apologies.”
Beau: “Um... thank you. Sorry, I’m really taken aback by all of this. ... It’s odd, looking at one of the most traumatic moments of my life and on another side, feeling a sense of thanks and gratitude that it happened. Because it did set me on this path.”
...
Yudala: “We would like to think that you would have found your way here regardless. And it should always have been your choice. And I know we cannot make that up to you, but I want to extend my – our – deepest apologies. 
Beau: “Um. Thank you. Thank you for taking these matters so seriously. Didn’t expect it. I guess you get... used to cruelty being handed down as the norm.”
...
Yudala: “We are not a body of government, we are not a religious group, we are a people who want to protect people who cannot protect themselves from abuses of power. And you’ve been abused by someone in power. We will see that they are properly punished.”
[A little later]
Caleb: “Are you... all right?”
Beau: “Do you know that feeling where... you didn’t realise something was wrong until someone told you, and you just lived with it this whole time, and... I’m relieved, but I’m also, kind of reckoning with it at the same time? I don’t know. Yeah, I’m good. I’m okay.”
Bonus: C2E110 03:35:31
Beau: “I... am so fucking tired of manipulative assholes... I don't know why so many people have gone through such great lengths to try and convince us all that they're responsible for our success. ... If I hear one more person try and claim that pain is the only way to make a resilient person—what a shitty excuse.”
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salvatoreschool · 3 years ago
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Kaylee Bryant On "Legacies," The Importance Of Queer Rep On TV, Hosie, And More
"I have so many people constantly telling me that watching Josie on the show has made them feel more comfortable in themselves."
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This week, Kaylee Bryant squeezed us into her schedule to talk about their role as Josie Saltzman on Legacies. As a huge Josie fan, I couldn't think of a better way to spend a morning than talking to Kaylee about The Vampire Diaries, Hosie, our favorite books, and more! Here's everything we talked about:
1. What was your audition for Legacies like?
My audition process was very interesting because they kept a lot of it a secret. I had no script and a fake character name. And then I had my second audition, a chemistry read, which Jenny Boyd [Lizzie] wasn't even at. I walked in and immediately just flat-out asked, "This is for the twins, right?" So it was long, but short and intense at the same time.
BuzzFeed: Wait, did you know which twin you were going to be playing?
I initially auditioned for Josie, and then during chemistry reads, they started asking me to read for Lizzie. And then we had our final callback where I finally met Jenny and we both read for both roles. They never told us [who was playing who] until Jenny had her appointment to go dye her hair blonde.
2. What's a typical day on set like?
Gosh, it changes every time. If it's a busy day on set, we're talking like 8 a.m. call time where we spend about two hours on hair and makeup and go straight into rehearsals. If it's a big sort of episode that involves stunt work and wire work, you're talking about doing maybe two scenes in a day. But if it's an average day, we can do anywhere from three to five scenes and we can start at 8 a.m. and wrap at 8 p.m. It really depends. I'm surprised if I'm not surprised.
3. You’ve said you’re a huge fan of The Vampire Diaries. Josie played Elena in the musical episode — what was that like?
It was surreal for sure. They had talked a little bit about doing a musical episode since Season 1. And I always thought that they were joking when they talked about doing Salvatore: The Musical!, so when they said Josie would obviously play Elena, I was like, "Hahaha." And then I got the script and realized I actually was playing Elena. The musical aspect of it was the easy part. The difficult part was, I think, getting into the iconic Elena attire and trying to feel normal. Because we have a lot of crew members that worked on The Vampire Diaries, and they kept coming up to me being like, "This is weird. I feel weird."
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4. Do you have a favorite scene you’ve filmed with Courtney Bandeko (Finch) this season?
I really did love the scene that we had in the town square [when] we got on a moped. There were so many fans in the town square that were huddled in the rain — it was pouring rain, freezing cold — trying to snap photos of us. And it was kind of one of those surreal moments where it felt full circle, that I was on a Vampire Diaries spinoff in town square. It was a lot going on, but it was a lot of fun. It's always fun working with Courtney.
5. You and Danielle Rose Russell (Hope) also have amazing chemistry — what’s your favorite scene you’ve filmed together?
Oh gosh, we have a lot that are pretty amazing. Honestly, I'd say [Season 3] Episode 14 — we finally got to do a lot more scenes together. And it's always fun, especially when it's Josie, Lizzie, and Hope, because we have so much history character-wise. Any time you really get to dive into that, we love it.
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6. I know Josie and Finch are working through some things right now, but I gotta ask — how do you feel about Hosie?
I love it. Danielle and I loved the idea of Hosie starting from Season 1, and we kept asking and asking and asking for it. So it's kind of funny and full circle that now the fans have kind of taken our side with things, and now they won't stop asking for it. All we want is this beautiful, dynamic relationship. And I think that the fans want that as well.
BuzzFeed: Yeah, I mean, people have even been asking me about Hosie, and I don't work on the show!
Oh, I'm sure! [Laughs] Obviously I love it, though.
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7. Is there a particular Josie moment you’re really proud of?
Josie has a scene coming up in Episode 18 — or 19? — I don't know, but it's good. It's sort of the pinnacle of everything that Josie has felt over the past three years kind of culminating into one moment. So, I'm excited for people to see it.
8. You recently came out as queer. How has playing Josie, who’s pansexual, impacted you personally?
I felt a lot of pressure when I initially booked Josie because I was still figuring out who I was and what my label was. And playing a character who was so comfortable in who she was, it was inspiring [to me] in a way that I think a lot of other people watching the show have been inspired. I have so many people constantly telling me that watching Josie on the show has made them feel more comfortable in themselves. It's kind of amazing that we all have the same experience in that having queer representation makes you more comfortable.
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9. You’ve been vocal about your Asian identity, and your character has spoken Japanese on the show. Did you have a hand in incorporating that into Josie’s character?
No, not at all! So, I spoke Japanese a few times on the [Instagram] Live and one of our writers, Penny Cox, saw me speaking Japanese and immediately went to Brett [Matthews] and was like, "We need to make this happen somehow." And then all of a sudden, I had a script in my hands. So it was a surprise, but a fun one.
BuzzFeed: Are you fluent in Japanese?
Gosh, no! I'm barely fluent in English. [Laughs] I would say I speak at the level of maybe a second-grader on a good day, though.
10. If you could pitch any storyline for Josie, what would it be?
I always joke that I want an episode that takes place overnight. That way, we all have to be wearing pajamas the entire episode. I just want to wear some comfy clothes for a whole two weeks, that's my main goal. So we can have a pajama episode, that's my pitch.
11. What's it like getting into character for Dark Josie scenes?
It's different in the sense that I know Josie so well. And knowing Josie in turn makes me understand Dark Josie. I have a whole different playlist of music that I listen to for Dark Josie — and I have the wig, which helps a lot with getting into character.
BuzzFeed: Well, now I have to ask what music is on that playlist!
I think "Bury a Friend" by Billie Eilish is a great one for Dark Josie. Also, "Villain" by K/DA is a prime example of a perfect song for Dark Josie, so I listen to that one as well.
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12. What's your go-to Starbucks order?
Plain black iced Americano. Aria [Shahghasemi, who plays Landon] says I drink coffee like a sociopath. [Laughs]
13. What TV show are you currently binging?
I just finished watching Alice in Borderland, which is a Japanese show on Netflix. And I know Feel Good Season 2 just came out, so I think that's my next binge.
14. Damon or Stefan?
Stefan! They're both beautiful and I love them very much, but I'm Team Stefan when it comes to Elena.
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15. If you could work with anyone from The Vampire Diaries, who would it be?
Ian Somerhalder has a lot of dogs. So, maybe I want to work with him for the sole reason of just talking about dogs. [Writer's note: Kaylee revealed she has two rescue dogs, one whom was sleeping right next to them during the interview! Kaylee described the dogs as "both complete and total nuts," but said she misses them about five minutes after getting into the car to go to work.]
16. Do you think you’re most similar to Josie, Lizzie, or Hope in real life?
I would say I'm an eclectic mix of the three. I can be very headstrong like Hope, very outspoken like Lizzie, and I try to be as loving as Josie, but sometimes that doesn't always work. But I'd like to think all three.
17. Is there a role people would be surprised to learn you auditioned for, but didn't get?
I've been auditioning since I was eight, so there's quite a few Disney Channel shows and movies. And I'm sure people would be surprised because I think I auditioned for like, all of them. It's very funny, one of the first jobs I ever booked in television was Kickin' It with Leo Howard [Ethan]. Talk about full circle — going from being 12 years old and having no idea what I'm doing to being a series regular on [Legacies] and welcoming Leo to the set.
18. Who's your favorite Disney princess?
Oh, I love Mulan so much. She was, like, my first crush ever. I also love Moana, but it's Mulan 1,000%.
19. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
I mean, I do eat rice every day. So maybe just white rice — you can make rice into candy and...yeah, let's go with rice.
20. If you were stranded on a deserted island and could only bring one book, what would it be?
Oh no! I recently read The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers, and I really enjoyed that book. Oh god, Is that the one that I want to bring, though? I mean, I really enjoyed it and it has many different aspects to it. I don't know. Or should I go with Harry Potter? I go through different genres too, like right now I'm in a big sci-fi phase, but other times I'll go the opposite direction and only read biographies. Yeah, that's super hard. I don't think I would know!
21. On that note, what's your Hogwarts house?
Initially, when I was younger, it used to just be straight-up Slytherin. And now, I recently took the Sorting Hat Quiz and I got Ravenclaw. So I'm going to go with Slytherclaw.
BuzzFeed: What's Josie's house?
Josie would be Slytherin. She tries very hard and, you know, not everyone in Slytherin is evil. She just, you know, has her way of going about things.
22. Has anything super funny or embarrassing happened to you on set?
I trip a lot on set. I get scared very easily — if I come around the corner and somebody is walking the other direction, I get scared. Everybody knows to walk slowly around me because I get scared so easily.
23. What's your wildest fan story?
I've had people cry before. And I'm an empath, so if somebody starts crying, I immediately am like, "Please don't cry, because I'm gonna cry." And then it turns into this whole thing. Once we were shooting in the town square and this young girl with her mom started crying, and I just hugged her and I didn't know what to say. So there's a lot of that. There's also the occasional, "Where's your twin?" and...I don't have one, sorry! But yeah, I would say the people who cry always throw me for a loop.
24. How do you unwind after a long day?
I have an hourlong drive home from work, so I usually listen to a lot of music. And by the time I get home, taking off all of my makeup is very therapeutic. Because over time, we're working 13-hour days, 16-hour days, and it's just powder constantly building up on my face. So, washing my face is always very therapeutic. And then just laying back and reading a book and petting my dog is the best.
25. Is there a celebrity you get told you look like a lot?
Most recently, Sara Waisglass [from Ginny & Georgia and Degrassi]. We follow each other on social media now and I completely messed up because I don't know how Twitter works at all. I forgot that there's a DMing interaction, so we followed each other and I was like, "Oh, that's nice." And then just recently, I saw that she had messaged me being like, "We're twins! We should be friends!" And I immediately messaged back, "I'm so sorry, let's be friends!"
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26. Who's your biggest celebrity crush?
Oh, I have so many. But consistently since I saw Orphan Black, Tatiana Maslany. Hands down.
27. Finally, have you ever caught someone watching a TV show or movie that you're in on a flight or anywhere else?
We were all, as a cast, flying to — was it New York Comic Con, or San Diego Comic Con? — one of the Comic Cons. And we were all sitting there and we saw that Legacies was actually on the airplane as an option. And we were all just uncomfortably staring at each other. Yeah, that was surreal.
Be sure to catch Kaylee in Legacies, which airs Thursdays at 9 p.m. ET on The CW!
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gayregis · 4 years ago
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What do you think Regis and Ciri's relationship would be like? I was always a little upset that Geralt said he wanted Ciri to meet Zoltan and Reinart but he didn't say that about Regis or anyone from the Hansa. Do you think he wanted Ciri to meet Regis? What do you think their relationship would be like? I didn't understand why Regis was so impressed by Citi in Stigga, if she was obviously scared and they had like 5 min to talk. I don't like that all the characters are thrilled with Ciri at first sight. I also afraid that Ciri won't overcome her dislike of vampires as a witcher, and she and Regis won't have become friends :( What your thoughts on it?
this is such a good series of questions!!
i think that geralt did want ciri to meet the hansa, and i suppose she did - she mentions that they buried the bodies of geralt’s comrades outside of stygga when they left - though in the case of regis, of course, there was nothing left to bury. but i imagine that, in these moments, geralt told ciri about each member, their memories “living on” through story, which, in the witcher, is a form of immortality after death. but i think he specifically mentions wanting ciri to meet reynart and zoltan specifically because he thought (incorrectly, in reynart’s case :( ) that they were still alive, as opposed to the hansa, who he all saw either die in front of him or their corpses later when they buried them.
specifically for regis, i think geralt would have wanted ciri to meet him as they did become close and also regis helped a lot in terms of being geralt’s confidant during the quest to save ciri. but i also think that geralt would be still concious of how bizarre his and regis’ friendship is, and would think about it before any introductions - then again, the witcher seems to have less of these “planned introductions” and rather more of “by the seat of your pants introductions,” like when dandelion first meets ciri, it was both somewhat expected as (iirc?) they knew they were going to meet up with the other party (geralt and dandelion, yennefer and ciri), but how they actually meet up is a different story, because nothing in the witcher can ever be a calm summer afternoon, of course. so i believe that “the best” circumstances would be something like a formal introduction of ciri to all of the hansa members, geralt would simply introduce them all at the same time, because they’re each equally important in relation to him and ciri. i don’t thnk it would make sense for geralt to introduce regis separately from the rest of the hansa, because it would just take his character out of context (unless, of course, they were in some situation where the rest of the hansa wasn’t around). (and besides the point, but i think the most awkward formal introduction would be between cahir and ciri, because, it wouldn’t be an introduction at all, rather a third meeting. and canonically, cahir had dreams of ciri, so it would be even weirder since he’s already seen her a bunch and she hasn’t seen him at all.)
i think, honestly, a formal introduction between regis and ciri would go well, i don’t think too much would occur, even if only because of having questions but feeling that it’s not the right place or time to ask them -- like in a class, when a teacher asks, “any questions?...” and the entire class holds their breath because everyone is confused but no one knows exactly what to say -- i think it would be like that, because regis and ciri are BOTH very very naturally curious! regis would want to ask, so this is the child of destiny, this is your daughter, etc, etc, and ciri would want to ask pretty much everything about him to understand who he is. but i think both would understand, through experience, that a first introduction isn’t the time to ask every single question you have about a person. so it would be kind, but maybe overly formal becase of that awkwardness.
 i of course have all these headcanons and such about regis becoming a parental and mentor figure to angouleme, so i’m inclined to compare their relationship to that with ciri, but i think that would be a mistake. because angouleme and ciri are similar in build and appearance, and some traits and experiences of course, but they’re still different in my opinion, and their difference is exponential when you consider the differences of how angouleme and regis met VS how ciri and regis met, and that angouleme had no one else in her life VS ciri already has parents she loves. so instead of being more parental and advice-giving, i think regis would be kind to ciri of course, but i don’t think they would ever spend a lot of time together because ciri already has parents to spend time with, so regis would be still a sort of avuncular figure, good for advice and to listen, but not the main source of support. which is fine, i think. i think that the thing that ciri would most rely upon regis for would be dealing with her actions from when she was a rat, i think both regis and ciri have come out of a period where they have been the source of a lot of violence, and ciri may struggle with this and need advice from someone who’s been through it already.
i feel like regis also wasn’t overly impressed with ciri when he met her, his reaction seems more like dandelion’s to me, where she just appears as some young girl, the young girl that she is. i think only the observant or the close to ciri will understand that she is powerful (geralt, yennefer, milva (observant), cahir (half and half, i think he only understands it later)). regis and dandelion are observant in that they are intelligent and academics, but they often miss the background, the “fabric of reality” as i’ve referred to it -- things like the horseprints in the snow, regis was very willing to explain away as being somthing mundane, not considering it could have been something else. i think this logicalness of his character and unintentional insensitivity to the “powers that be” would make him more stumped than astute with ciri, unable to really figure her out despire having experiences in common with her. another trait that ciri and regis both share is being mysterious and a little closed-off if one doesn’t pry, and since they have no real reason to pry, i don’t think they’d be as close as characters that are more opposite to one another in this respect.
although regis did frighten ciri when they first met in stygga, i feel like they would totally get over that after a while. although dandelion aphoristically says in a little sacrifice that there’s never a second chance to make a good first impression, i think to how geralt and ciri got off on the wrong foot, as did yennefer and ciri -- and even though it was a more severe misunderstanding with yennefer, she ultimately became closer to yennefer than anyone else. so i don’t think that regis’s first impression to ciri would affect their friendship down the line that much, since ciri seems to have a knack for getting into poor first impressions with adults. but i do think it would influence how she sees him, because of course it would. everyone else met regis as he is normally, the pinnacle of kindness and thoughtfulness -- ciri saw him basically turn an entire room into hellish chaos and rip a guy’s throat out! it’s comical to us as the readers because we know regis and his very mild-mannered side, but to ciri, this would have been terrifying, of course demonstrated by her clenching her jaw so her teeth wouldn’t chatter. i don’t think that there’s any reason that they couldn’t eventually get over this, but i think it would definitely influence how ciri sees regis overall -- i think that even geralt sometimes forgets about what regis is capable of, like in lady of the lake when he vehemently defends regis’s right to be present in a coversation, when regis can actually just overhear the entire conversation although he walked away. to sort of summarize the situation, if your friend, who is a normal guy to you, had epic powers that you saw a couple of times, but he never really used them around you that much, you might not think of him as some kind of force VS, when you met your friend for the first time he was demonstrating his epic powers in full force... you would be way more aware of his power. but, these friendships may not have been super different at heart, because there’s still the same people involved in them. this is what i think, that ciri would just be the one who’s most aware that regis is a vampire, because she’ll never forget the first meeting -- but that does not necessarily mean she would end up trusting or liking him less at all!
i feel with the context of ciri being a witcher, it’s interesting because by the time regis appears in the series, the term of “witcher” is beginning to be unraveled with its threads examined for the readers. regis is part of this, and cahir is as well -- though regis is a monster, geralt has no desire to kill him, and yet cahir is a man, and geralt has a desire to kill him. the term of “monster” is questioned to hell and back throughout the entire series, but especially in regards to i think to these characters: geralt, regis, cahir, ciri, vilgefortz, and bonhart. each is a “monster” in some respect, either being labelled as one or doing monstrous things, or both. in ciri’s case, it becomes way more about “good” and “evil” than it does for geralt, who is more concerned with the original exploration of “human” and “monster.” for ciri, she actually became evil, she was a monster. but through many things, she learned her lesson and becomes something much more vague than just “good” or “evil” in the end. this is a lot like regis, who transversed the dichotomy of “evil monster” and “good human” to become something that’s neither of each (well, regis strives to be a good human, but just because he strives for it does not mean he 100% is that). so i think that because they have that similiarity, they would be more understanding of one another. especially with time as ciri begins to understand herself and the concept of evil more (as she had difficulty with vysogota -- the paradox is that she herself became evil, but then of course has her famous “repay evil” speech -- by that logic, she would want to exterminate herself, her ethical logic being clouded by self-preservation... but i think by the end she comes to realize that her evil was wrong as well, that she is not innocent, and even though this is true, she can still work against evil).
tldr ciri and regis are very similar characters, they would be friends due to this mutual understanding, but he would not be the most important figure in her life. they would likely bond over their shared struggles with good & evil, and also likely bond over making fun of geralt (as everyone does in this series)
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ganymedesclock · 4 years ago
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Hey, reading your posts about HK is giving me great joy, lot's of good points and such, and I'd like to add to the questions. I believe too that the Ghost and the vessels have a persona to them, not just emotionless crafts, but do you have any ideas on how it wasn't...'Noted'? Was it just the PK's regret and guilt that didn't want to admit that the Hollow Knight had spirit, alongside all the other vessels he left to rot, so he rather shun the idea and ultimately prolonged the suffering?
So this is actually kind of a deep element of my read on PK. Something I have said in other posts, but will bring up here, is that we have a whisper stone left behind in the Howling Cliffs that contains PK’s voice, and this is what it has to say about the entire world that isn’t Hallownest:
Higher beings, these words are for you alone.
These blasted plains stretch never-ending. There is no world beyond. Those foolish enough to traverse this void must pay the toll and relinquish the precious mind this kingdom grants.
“There is no world beyond”
Now, there’s a couple of ways you could read this. One is that he’s lying- but, I think, this is a rather poorly kept lie. Almost every third person you meet in the game casually mentions having come to Hallownest from afar. There is clearly life beyond, life without. Ogrim even suggests PK had some kind of offer to settle people who came to Hallownest.
So if this is a very useless lie... then, perhaps, it isn’t a lie at all, but an incorrect thing PK believes about the world. Of especial poignancy considering PK himself, comes from that place that he insists doesn’t exist, which suggests pretty ominous things about his life before Hallownest.
One of the things that Hollow Knight does, that I think is a masterful element of its storytelling shared by many other stories, is that certain concepts are repeated, over and over and over again. One of these things is “hollowness”, emptiness. The game is awash in shells, eggs, the exoskeletal husks of insects.
In this sense, the vast majority of trivial details and conversations in the game together paint a surging, teeming picture: what is emptiness? What is the nature of the void at the bottom of the kingdom, that defines, rules, so much of Hallownest and its fate?
And one thing that comes up repeatedly, is: are hollow things truly empty? Or are they filled with something? Is the concept of void itself a powerful force that can reject things placed into it? Are these things beyond the light truly nonexistent... or are they merely described to us by shortsighted creatures?
 I think that more than regret or guilt, I think that PK projected a deeply nihilistic view of the world in which he saw everything as meaningless, “empty”, unless he defined it. The worst thing he could think of doing to Radiance, the best way to get rid of her, was to consign her to ultimate oblivion.
But he didn’t know what that was. He was wrong. The world he sees as empty is teeming, thriving, bursting with life. Hallownest, when we first behold it, is cold and still as the grave, and, yet, right from the start of the game, everywhere we look, the landscape is indelibly etched with this struggle to live.
A “truly empty” creature the way PK believes it does not exist. Either it is motivated enough to move and act on the instructions it is given- and thus, not “empty”- or it isn’t. No creature acts to change anything if it cannot imagine the world another way, if it has no motivation, no thoughts.
In the endings where Ghost actualizes as a Holy Void- where they emerge victorious and silence the Radiance- their actions are the opposite of not caring. They are the pinnacle of caring. Ghost draws power from the Void, becomes stronger, casts a shadow that can tear the sun from her throne and spill motes of her shining blood- by caring, and deciding what they are and what they are not.
The Ghost that never actualizes- Ghost in the Hollow Knight ending- does not reject what was placed inside of them by PK. In this sense, they are ‘filled’ by something external. Actualized Ghost is hollow, but not empty. The White Lady wonders what they are thinking, and makes it clear she can no longer simply sense their thoughts- a boundary has arisen between them. This is significant, because we note several beings of great power in the game specifically for their ability to resist our probing their thoughts- including White Lady herself.
Actualized Ghost, the incarnate void heart... is a void that decides what it will and will not accommodate. “Void given focus”- that the darkness has a will of its own. This is the actualized state of the void at its height- not dormant, not empty, not accepting, but unified, awake, purposeful.
Ghost, from the moment of their birth, was marked as the creature that was discarded into oblivion and refused to wither. And through their eyes, we witness the void of Hollow Knight’s world... and it is beautiful, and full of life. Through Ghost, we have the experience of being a private witness or confidant to many; to learning what even the long deceased or vanished were thinking about.
The Pale King was wrong about the void. He was wrong about the world. And I think this is a big part of why, in direct contrast to Ghost, when both of them were left alone in the dark... PK collapsed in on himself and withered there. When there was no longer a justification of himself, he didn’t think he existed anymore in a way that mattered.
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beeblebrox-be-damned · 5 years ago
Text
Silohuette (Part 2: Implantation)
Dark!Bucky Barnes x Reader
TW: Kidnapping
Mornings were a drag, especially when it was cloudy. You didn’t mind when you weren’t working, but when you were it made your job hell. People were always sour and soaked. Not only did that mean any conversation was clipped and angry, but they tipped much less. Sometimes, not at all.
The woman in the back now was older, almost matronly, but wore a grim scowl. Her hat dripped, a felt number that had soaked up the rain all too readily.
“Where to, ma’am?” you asked politely, switching the wipers up to a higher gear as the rain pounded harder on the windshield.
“Park Avenue,” she grunted, wringing out her hat… right into the floorboard of your taxi. You sighed quietly.
“Ma’am, if you wouldn’t mind, could you please refrain from doing that in here?” You kept your voice as light as possible, carefully pulling back into traffic. She glanced up at you and frowned.
“Well I never!” she huffed, placing the sodden lump of felt on the seat beside her. She said nothing more. You hoped that you didn’t just retract from your tip. Of course, having a water puddle of a floormat wouldn’t help that matter for the other patrons later on.
The city’s traffic was at a crawl due to the weather. There weren’t as many cars as there would’ve been three years ago, but it was still overly crowded. The drive from your current location to where you were headed would be a long one. One a clear day, it’d take twenty minutes, but with the current deluge it would be more like thirty-five.
You grimaced as you drove. The pay for this trip would be higher, but you’d be better off with several shorter trips. The compounded tips would bring in a better profit margin. You gave an inward groan as honks assaulted your ears. Typical New York.
Thirty-three point five minutes later, Park Avenue came into view. You raised your eyebrow as Stark Tower rose on the skyline. Maybe, you thought, you’d be able to pick up more generous business there. “What building, ma’am?”
The elderly woman huffed once more. “Just on the side of the street. I want to get out of this damned taxi.”
You held back a growl of frustration, opting to tell her the fee instead of responding. She roughly shoved a couple bills at you.
“Keep the change,” she snapped, opening the door and storming out of the vehicle with a mutter about “the rudeness of young folk today”. You rolled your eyes. Ah yes, an entire twenty-three cent tip, and you were the rude one.
Sighing, you continued forward, scanning slowly. Someone waved you down, and you pulled off to the side. You looked up through the windshield, impressed even in the bad weather by Stark Tower. It was huge, the pinnacle of modern innovation.
The passenger door open and a man with a hoodie ducked inside quickly. “Good Lord, it’s really pouring out there,” he grunted. He pulled back the hood and your recognized him instantly. It seemed he recognized you too. “Hey,” hey exclaimed, “it’s you!”
“Yup, it’s me. Where to?” You kept your words short, not exactly keen on having a conversation, no matter how attractive and charismatic the stranger was. You’d spoken to him several more times after the night he’d asked for change, but in never went beyond small-talk.
“Downtown. Actually, just out of town.” He sat back in the seat comfortably, seeming unbothered by the wet spot the lady’s hat had left. “Is that alright?”
You nodded. “It’ll cost a bit extra, though.” He shrugged.
“No problem there.” Most people were bothered by it despite the logic behind the fee. You were glad he didn’t try to argue. Maybe he didn’t have to worry about those few extra dollars.
“So,” you asked as you pulled out, curiosity getting the best of you, “Stark Tower, huh?” You slammed your hand on the car horn as some hot-shot driver cut in front of you, slinging water everywhere.
The man looked concerned for a moment as you grumbled in frustration, but then relaxed as you moved on. “Yes. I don’t go in most days, actually, but I had some business to take care of. Turn right up here.”
You realized you’d never asked the address. “So where exactly are we headed?” You hung the right and continued down the block.
“A friend’s house. I don’t actually know the name but I know how to get there.”
You raised your eyebrow. Strange, but as long as he paid the fare. You continued on as the rain beat down, following his directions. Soon you’d gone fairly far out of town, to a sparse neighborhood of wealthy looking homes, much nicer than anything you’d even ever been in.
“Just up here. That little alley, please. He only uses the back door.” You turned off the street and down a relatively clean alleyway.
“That’ll be $15 please. Ten for the drive and five for the out-of-town fee.” You parked the cab, turning around to look at your patron.
He smiled as he dug into his pocket. “So, you gonna be at the pub tonight?” He asked.
You nodded, looking up to clean a smudge of mud off the dash. “More than likely. I spend most of my free-time there.”
In an instant, his hand was wrapped around your mouth. The window to separate the front and back seats shattered as he swung his left fist at it. Glass flew everywhere. You never had a chance to scream as he pressed a rag over your mouth and nose. You struggled to breath, but as soon as you inhaled you began to feel woozy.
“Not tonight, sweetheart, sorry. Not anymore,” he murmured apologetically in your ear as you slipped into unconsciousness.
Bucky hadn’t intended to act so quickly. That night he first talked to you, he laid awake, a plan forming in his head. The next day he spent finding out more about you, like your name and your family history. He had been saddened to find out all your relatives were dead or dusted, but it also made his plan a lot easier to pull off. There’d be almost nobody looking for you.
He’d been appalled to find out you drove a cab for a living. There was a lot of danger in that, despite the precautions drivers took. It seemed that your life was rife with dangers, from work to home and everywhere in between. The thought of anything happening to you made his heart seize. It made it all the more easier to realize that this was the right thing to do.
He trailed you for several days, each night trying to strike up a conversation with you in the bar so he wouldn’t be so unfamiliar. You were friendly, but kept it short and simple. He understood not wanting to talk much, though. When he’d first joined Steve and the Avengers, he hardly talked for months. Now, however, he could honestly call each one of them a friend.
With the technology available at the Tower, it was easy to effectively erase you from records. he was quite a bit better with computers than everyone thought, even better than Steve despite Steve’s extra years of experience. Soon, you were practically wiped out of the system. Only some basic information was left, as he’d need it someday later on.
Today he’d needed to talk to Steve, which was part of the reason he was at the Tower. After paying a woman near your usual route to take the cab to Park Avenue, he’d rushed back to the Tower to make some last minute arrangements. He’d told Steve that the night before he had been walking and ran across a mugging. Bucky lied and claimed he’d killed the mugger, but didn’t want to get in trouble for killing outside of a mission when the police inevitably found out what had happened. After all, with Bucky being formerly of HYDRA, there was a lot of suspicion still cast on him.
He’d asked Steve to help him get the mugger’s apartment cleared out so that perhaps people would just think they’d just moved. Steve had readily agreed, eager to help his friend. A group of hired men would gut the apartment later that day and bring all the items to Bucky’s so he could dispose of them.
Bucky felt bad for lying to Steve, but it had been necessary. Eventually he’d tell him what he’d really done, but only after you were happy and willingly with him. Then, Steve would be able to understand how much better off you were, even if they way you’d gotten there was a bit unethical.
Your belongings, as planned, would be sent to Bucky’s house. He’d sort through them to find things you’d likely want to keep, such as personal mementos, but the rest he’d toss. He’d store what he kept until later when he’d determined you ready to have them back.
After that was done, he went out and stood in the rain. He’d known roughly what time you should get there, but he wanted to be out there early, just in case. His heart had nearly leapt out of his chest when he saw you pull up and drop off the old woman. It wasn’t the one he’d paid, and yet she had been going exactly where he needed you to be. He grinned. It was as though the universe itself knew that this was for the best.
He’d feigned surprise when he got into the cab and saw you. The house he directed you to wasn’t his friend’s house as he’d claimed. He didn’t want to admit it was his or even say the address aloud in case there were cameras set up in the cab as a precaution. It was unlikely anyone would find the cab after he disposed of it into the river, but you could never be too careful.
He thought he’d choke up at the last second when you pulled into the alley behind his home, but to his surprise, taking you was the easiest thing he’d ever done. There was no guilt, no fear. He knew this was where you needed to be.
As soon as you were unconscious, he allowed the rag to drop from your face. He smiled and ran his thumb over your cheek. You were so beautiful. He got out of the cab and rounded the car quickly, opening the driver’s door and picking you up carefully. You weighed no more than a feather in his arms, your head lolling to lean against his shoulder. He opened the door and entered the house with you quickly. This time of day, none of the neighbors should have been home, but he couldn’t be too careful.
He wanted to spend time with you, to be there when you woke up in your new bedroom, but he had to get rid of the vehicle. He laid you down gently, pressing a kiss to your forehead. Bits of glass were strewn over your clothes, but he’d take care of that later. He slipped off your shoes and took them with him.
You wouldn’t be needing them anymore.
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hcpefulmarshmallow · 4 years ago
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NSFW Alphabet.
-I started writing this up forever ago because I saw it around, figured I might as well, and then forgot. Pretty sure the original list was made by @/fairy-tail-babes, but do correct me if I’m wrong. Happy Sinday, feel free to steal.
A = Aftercare      ---Afterward, Nagito tends to be quite affectionate, if a little lethargic. He'll compliment his partner a lot, and whisper sweet and loving things in a low, soft voice. At times he comes across as a little clingy, even scared that the intimacy will end there and his partner is going to up and leave. But with plenty of cuddling, some softspoken words, and a nap, his partner is going to have one happy marshmallow on their hands. 
B = Body part     ---He doesn’t really have a favorite part of his own body. Nagito has never thought of himself as especially handsome, or especially hideous. In fact, he’s never thought about his appearance much at all. That said, if he S/O shows a preference for something (usually his hair or his eyes, let’s be real), then he will take better care of that part of him. As for his partner, he often has a strong appreciation for their hands, chest, and neck. He’ll find their hands fascinating because of the wonderful duality about them. Kissing their fingertips can be either the most chaste, adoring act in the world, or the most suggestive, with only the smallest change in technique. He loves that he can hold their hand in public around other people, but also during their most private, intimate moments. He can spend hours just watching his fingers entwine with theirs. As for the chest thing, aside from the obvious, one of his favourite places to kiss his S/O is just above their heart, and likewise, he will probably melt if they did the same to him. He considers his lover’s very life to be an absolute miracle, and the pinnacle of hope, so something symbolic of that - like their heartbeat - is comforting to him, and he adores falling asleep to the sound of it. And finally, aside from finding the curve of their neck very alluring, he likes kissing them there, and also just nuzzling while he holds onto them. It’s a very secure, comfortable place to be. He can hear them breathing, breathe in their scent, and block out the world for a little while. 
C = Cum     ---Nagito has something of a double standard in this regard. He finds his own viscerally disgusting (along with pretty much everything else about himself), but he’s very comfortable with his partner’s. He will probably go into shock the first time they swallow. He won’t hate it though.
D = Dirty Secret      ---The fact that he has a dirty side probably is his secret. He tends to assume that people will assume the worst of him, so if anyone knows he had a horny thought in his life, they’d probably think he’s a pervert, on top of being useless and stupid. Thus, such thoughts tend to come with a lot of shame and frustration for him, as does every desire for anything gratifying that he feels. 
E = Experience      ---No. Generally, he prefers only to participate in sex with someone he deeply cares for -- a preference he’d rarely ever stray outside of, and only under certain, strenuous circumstances. Between Nagito’s own selectiveness, and tendency to drive people away (either consciously or subconsciously), he doesn’t have many willing suitors. Rest assured, though, he’s very perceptive and a fast learner. It doesn’t take long to figure out what he’s doing. 
F = Favourite Position      ---Any position that allows for eye contact and plenty of touching. Bonus points if they’re close enough to kiss. He likes to look at his partner while they do the fucc, and marvel at everything about them. 
G = Goofy     ---At first, a little bit. He’ll laugh a lot as he does when he’s nervous, and may act uncharacteristically clumsy. Once he’s comfortable, it’s more a matter of what kind of what they’re about to do. Though, he’s never too serious to smile for the person he loves. 
H = Hair      ---The people want to know, and thus, they shall: yes. His hair is the same colour all over. Do with that what you will. 
I = Intimacy      ---Nagito is the type to go the extra mile to make every time special. It can honestly be a little exhausting, especially if he and his S/O already live busy lives. He spends a lot of time on foreplay, and will pour his whole entire soul into making his partner feel loved and special. Every. Single. Time. So yeah, as with all other aspects of his personality, he can be tiring and painstaking at times; but he’s always worth the extra effort. Every time with him is a whole experience.
J = Jack Off      ---Typically, something he does to blow off steam every now and again, with nothing in particular on his mind. When he starts to crush hard on someone, he’s surprised to find himself thinking of them more and more, even during his...private moments. The first time that happens, he’s surprised at how much more intense it makes everything feel, and he has to stop and take a cold shower. In part, because he wasn’t prepared for it; and in part, out of shame alone. Eventually he can’t stop himself and does finish and it’s the most intense orgasm he’s ever given himself -- only to wind up not even looking that person in the eye for a good week. His fantasies while masturbating tend to be rather benign, too. It’s more abstract sensations - like the way a person smells, or the sound of their voice - than anything literal. 
K = Kink     ---You know, the whole #letnagitogetpegged2kforever thing started as a meme on this blog. It was initially “hey someone be nice to him uwu” and gradually evolved into, “for the love of god rail him please i swear”. In case it isn’t clear, I tend to use these kind of things as shorthand for my many, many rants on how Nagito is a Good Boy and Deserves Love, like the filthy apologist I am. It goes hand-in-hand with the running joke that his kink is love and affection -- though let’s be real, nothing makes him drop his pants faster than being made to feel loved, adored, and safe. Nothing.     That said, he will jump at the chance to be f’d in the a’, all the while insisting, “you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to”. Plenty of kisses and kind words, and some light hair pulling, and he will fall to pieces. He also really, really likes going down on his partner. If his S/O is smaller than him, seeing them in his clothing and nothing else does Things he can’t quite explain. If his S/O is stronger than him, he finds he enjoys being manhandled a little or pinned, so long as they’re at a point where he’s totally comfortable with them. He enjoys teasing and being teased, and hearing whatever noises he can elicit from his partner. Praise works so many kinds of wonders. The first person to tell him he’s not actual human garbage for whom death is too good will own his soul, I swear.
L = Location      ---Bed. Yeah, I know. But it’s familiar, comfortable, and well-equipped that he can take his time and give his partner his all. 
M = Motivation      ---It’s really not difficult to get him going. If his S/O makes their intentions clear, all it takes is a few indecent words and well-placed touches, and his interest is piqued. He is very touch-starved, what do you want?
N = NO     ---As a general rule, Nagito doesn’t like things that remind him of unpleasant times in his life. Nor would he want anything to depersonalize the experience, undermine his sense of safety, or is likely to go wrong due to his luck. No pain, and as much as he might pretend otherwise, no degrading. If he actively asks to be degraded, it’s a sign that he’s too involved in his self-loathing to be enjoying himself, and it’s probably time to take a break. Nothing unsanitary. Nothing that keeps him from being able to communicate, even if he’s not very good at it. He wants very badly to enjoy being tied up, because the idea of handing over that kind of ultimate trust to his partner is thrilling. However, that’s the kind of thing that needs a lot of working up to. He’s been tied up before in his life. Didn’t go well for him.      As an aside, Nagito is, as we all know, very bad at communicating his limits, especially if he feels they aren’t shared. It will likely take some intuiting on the part of his S/O to help suss him out a little. He is how he is. But he’s trying. 
O = Oral      ---He doesn’t mind receiving, of course, but definitely prefers giving. He’s pretty good at it, too. Sometimes he’ll exhaust his S/O that way, and be quite content even if that’s all they do. 
P = Pace      ---Left to set the pace himself, Nagito tends to take things slow. Agonizingly so. He likes to make it last. Like I said: every encounter is an Experience. 
Q = Quickie      ---Quickies don’t work for him as a replacement for sex for all the reasons above - it’s just not enough time to do all the things he wants to do - but for leaving him breathless and wanting more, as a precursor to later on, they’re pretty effective. 
R = Risk      ---The word “risk” is a strange one for Nagito. Due to his luck, he can get away with a lot more than most people. This has probably lead to a share of escapades with the right adventurous-type S/Os. 
S = Stamina      ---You know, regrettably, it’s not the best, once the actual fuccing begins. He’s pretty easily overwhelmed. But what he lacks in stamina, he makes up for in every other way. He would never want to leave his partner disappointed. 
T = Toy      ---Nagito is not opposed to the use of toys, either giving or receiving. Generally speaking, he’s pretty open-minded about trying new things, and if they work out, he’s happy to incorporate them into their regular routine. 
U = Unfair      ---Yet another long-running joke on his blog is that Nagito doesn’t deserve rights because he is a bottom. And you know what? That’s fair. Most of the time, he will default to - and be comfortable in - a more submissive role. But that isn’t to say he won’t be just as gifted at, and have just as much fun, taking control of things every now and again. And for someone so polite and composed and otherwise relaxed, it’s almost disorienting how easily that switch is flipped. Nagito has a silver tongue and a strong knack for finding peoples’ weak spots. He can tease his partner for hours, and if that wry smile is anything to go by, he really, really enjoys it. What I’m saying is, Top!Nagito is very powerful and should be feared.
V = Volume      ---So, you know how it’s physically impossible for him to shut up at any given moment? Yeah. Outside of his usual rambling about how his partner is a perfect, wonderful person who he loves with all his heart, interwoven with other filth not at all for polite company, he moans and whines a lot. Especially as he becomes more and more worked up, and less and less coherent. Sometimes he will try to muffle himself with his hand or a pillow (particularly early on while he’s still self-conscious); most of the time, he won’t bother. At a certain point it may be nearly impossible for him to control the sounds he’s making, so if some quiet is needed, it may be up to his partner to find a way to keep his mouth occupied. 
W = Wild Card      ---Nagito has an intense fascination with intricate lingerie. You know, the type that has a million straps and pieces and whatnot. Not just for all the obvious reasons -- he really does enjoy trying to figure out how all this complicated clothing works, and can spend ages just tracing it all with his fingers in amazement. RIP to the S/O who was trying to rile him up to make things move faster. What can he say? It’s the puzzle-solver in him. 
X = X-Ray      ---Slightly above average. He’s not overwhelming, but nowhere near disappointing, either. Once time, an anon submitted a logical deduction that explains this in full. I fucking love this community. 
Y = Yearning      ---His sex drive isn’t too high, but it’s high-er when he’s alone with his S/O more. In case it isn’t crystal yet, sex is primarily something he uses to express the way he feels about someone, and seek the contact he’s so desperate for. The deeper he’s fallen for someone, the stronger his desires will be -- or at the very least, the more likely he is to honour them, rather than bury his need for love and pretend it doesn’t exist.  
Z = ZZZ      ---He tries. He really does. But after a long session, he’s probably too tired to stay awake for very long. It seems only appropriate to end this list as it began: with plenty of cuddling, some softspoken words, and a nap, his partner is going to have one happy marshmallow on their hands.
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strawberry-jules · 4 years ago
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i think i’ve mentioned my project to start dating myself and learn to fall in love with myself. i’m going to start documenting it here.
i’m in such a better place, thank god. i was really scared for myself, in a constant state of dissociation so far removed from myself i truly didn’t care if i died. i’m learning how to recover from an experience like that. i have such a short time here, i’m tired of feeling like i was feeling. i know that accepting myself as a whole and no longer projecting my insecurities on to a “person” i created in my mind (the shadow man, i’ll get to that in a minute) isn’t an option for everyone. i’m lucky in that i have a lot of choice and will when it comes to my mental health. i forget that sometimes. i always have had that ability to just choose how i’ll feel, it’s very helpful. anyway, onto my constant projection.
when i was in 4th grade, i wrote a story about the Shadow Man, a fictional character i created specifically for this school assignment. he was probably about 8 ft tall, and he was almost entirely 2 dimensional, like a cartoon, except his eyes. his head held no facial features except the sockets where his eyes would have been. two deep, somehow blacker-than-the-rest-of-his-being holes sunken into his flattened skull. he was solid when you looked at him, you couldn’t see through him. in actuality, he was a whisper of a black smoke that you could only feel near you. 
we wrote these stories for a halloween activity in class. after i turned mine in, i looked across the room to the whiteboard, my eyes passing over the window momentarily. there was a man standing at the window, his shoulders and head were the only things visible, and he had a hat with a wider brim than i had ever seen, blocking out a majority of the light trying to filter into the room. i quickly glanced back, realizing that no one could be standing outside the window looking into the classroom-- the side of the room with the window was on the edge of a sudden almost 3 foot drop, the edge of a very sharp little hill, blocked in with a fence. there was only about 6 inches of space between the wall and the drop, perhaps even less. to be looking inside the classroom, someone would have to be standing on that narrow grass ledge between the wall and the fence, or they would have to be so tall that they could stand behind the fence at the front of the school, looking inside the window. no one was that tall. by the time my eyes found the window again, he was gone.
he stayed with me for many years after that. i was 9 at the time. as a child, i would feel him with me in the dark, when i was in the bathroom and steam fogged the mirror and i couldn’t see anything in detail, when i would trek out into the woods alone and i would feel the faintest brush of his hand on the back of my neck. i was 16 when i realized that he was a manifestation of my insecurities and fears, and he wouldn’t go away until i accepted them. unfortunately, i was too young and emotionally immature to actually act on that realization. i continued to allow him to be where i projected my fears of failure; didn’t pass that test? that makes sense, i could feel him breathing down my neck, in retrospect. instances like that. 
the most intense encounters i had with the shadow man were my freshman and sophomore years of college, when i was truly alone. i had no one else to protect me from myself, and in my eyes, he took advantage of that. he would follow me home from nights i was so high i couldn’t find my dorm, knowing that i had put myself in a situation so dangerous with men i didn’t know. he would walk close enough that he could push the small of my back, urging me forward. i could hear his laughter, feel his cool breath through my hair. it became a game of cat and mouse: i would behave in a way that put me in danger, or i just simply knew wasn’t correct, and he would chase me home when i was finally alone, making me pay my penance. if he caught me, i would finally atone for my sins with my life as the payment. if i let him finally catch me and make me whole again, mistakes and emotional projections and inability to deal with sadness and anger and fear and hurt put back into me, the place where it really belonged, i would surely die. i couldn’t handle being held accountable to myself. sometimes, i would try to be brave. i would turn to face him, and he would be gone. i didn’t understand why i could never actually see him again after that day as a child. i could only feel him near me, constantly hovering, constantly watching.
it wasn’t until i came out as lesbian that i had my final encounter with him. i finally admitted to myself that i had been lying and hurting myself and pushing down who i really was, that i had been projecting my insecurities about my attraction to women onto him rather than dealing with it myself. i realized that i would never be able to accept all the bad things about myself until i accepted some real, hard to swallow truths. i’m a lesbian. i have an eating disorder that stems from control issues, more than likely due to my inability to control my sexuality. i have a hard time understanding who i am, because i never allowed myself to become myself. i put myself into a box and hid in it and never let my mistakes or real feelings near me. and that’s okay. it was my coping mechanism. 
that’s when the walls of that box fell away, and i was left with this feeling that none of it was real, and the only real thing about me was a part of my identity i had spent no time with. so i managed to push away all of the good things about myself that came from the time spent in that box, because i felt like i didn’t deserve them, that they weren’t found in an association with my sexual identity and therefore weren’t who i actually am. with that feeling came the need to deal with all the bad things about myself, too, because i deserved it. i deserved to feel that pain for how i treated myself for so long. i got so high that i felt like i went to a different dimension. i saw the shadow man. i cried and i apologized to myself for letting it go on so long, and to him for making him the pinnacle of everything i hated about myself for so long. he forgave me, and he took my hand. he gave me back all the feelings i had pushed away for so long, and i was hit by this tidal wave of love. i opened my eyes and found that i wasn’t looking at the shadow man, i was looking at myself as a child. at some point in my early childhood, i think i was about 4 or 5, i realized i liked girls, but i also realized i wasn’t supposed to. so i hid it, and found it easier to hide all the feelings i didn’t like in that little box, that eventually morphed into the shadow man. at 9 years old, i wrote a scary story that i took so much to heart, i made it a place for everything that scared me, and what scared me the most was myself and everything i thought i shouldn’t be feeling. i had protected myself from myself for so long, that by the time i made it back around to me, the damage was severe. in that moment, i finally understood self love.
it’s taken a couple days for me to realize that i’ve been projecting my anger at myself onto my dad’s family, and that’s the reason i want to stop talking to them. they’re the main reason i hid who i am for so long. i wanted to be perfect in their eyes, to gain their approval and love that i was never given. there’s a lot to unpack in that sentence, i’m not going to get into it, but just gather that my dad’s family can be very toxic and didn’t like me growing up. i finally got to a place where they would approve of me, when my life fell apart, and i was forced to come to terms with who i am. is it right of me to be so angry at them when i was really the one doing the damage? no. but do i think they should be held accountable for how they made an innocent child feel, do i think they should be held accountable for their racist tendencies and selfish world views and constant purposeful ignorance? absolutely. and do i want to be the person to educate them? not really. there are so many of them in such a deeply rooted group think, it would take more out of me than i have to offer, to try to affect actual, substantial change in them. i have so little time on this earth, i don’t want to waste it on them when i could be helping people who deserve my help. i would spend so much of my time on wealthy adults who have college degrees and are willfully ignorant and have obviously made their choices to be such, when i could be helping someone who can’t help themselves, when i could be helping the people who actually want to make a change in themselves, who are open and kind enough to put others first. i’ve wasted the last 16 years of my life trying to please them, i don’t want to waste another 16 trying to educate them. they’re big kids, they can do it themselves and join me when they’re ready, or they can stay where they are while i surround myself with people who are committed to making a change and being good people.
and i want to be tolerant of them, to be able to look at them and say, it’s okay that you’re like this. but i can’t reconcile believing black lives matter while simultaneously making an exception for my wealthy, politically influential family and saying, well, black lives matter but it’s okay that you guys don’t necessarily think that there’s any real importance behind that phrase and i’m okay with that. because i’m not! and i’m not saying that they don’t believe that black lives matter, because i truly think they’re generally pretty ambivalent toward people of color, i just know that they don’t see any validity in saying that people of color are marginalized and oppressed and disenfranchised and persecuted/prosecuted at a significantly higher rate than white people and that’s a really, really big issue. in itself, in my eyes, apathy toward racism is just as bad as being racist, because you’re being willfully and knowingly complacent in hate crimes and perpetuating a society in which shit like this has to be said. guilty by association. it’s bullshit, and i’m tired of being okay with people’s apathy because we’re related. however, i do find myself drawn back to just resigning myself to my fate with them. 
and this ties back into me dating myself. i don’t want to love someone who is so intolerant, i don’t know why i’m being so intolerant because it’s making it hard to love myself. i’m behaving like such an asshole, but i truly am stuck in such an emotional crossroads and i feel like i have to pick between advocacy and complacency, and it makes me feel so resentful toward my family for making me make the choice. why am i projecting my anger on them? what am i struggling with that i can’t get over? am i really this upset with them over their racist tendencies, or am i upset about something else and using this issue as a scapegoat? is it for how they made me feel about being gay for so long, so i’m using something else about them to fuel my anger because i’m angry and i have to feel like i have to have a valid reason to be angry? why am i not angry for myself? i don’t feel that upset when i think about how they made me feel, i’m mostly upset at myself for letting it get to me the way it did. i didn’t deserve that. i’m upset at how they made me feel, not necessarily at them. but i feel like i should be, so i’m using something else about them that does genuinely bother me as a way to cover up the fact that i’m angry that i’m not more angry and hurt, because i really deserve to be and someone needs to stand up for me because i never seem to be able to. i’m projecting my anger at myself onto them so hard that it’s hurting me. 
i don’t know where else to go from here with this realization. i’m fairly sure i just hit the nail on the head with this issue, i just don’t know how to resolve it. i guess i need to learn what family means to me first. i just wish they were better people so that i didn’t have to deal with this.
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hutchhitched · 4 years ago
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The Vintage Joshifer Series: End of Love—Chapter 20
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End of Love by hutchhitched
Hey, all! For those of you still interested in this story and/or Joshifer, I’ve finally finished it! This is the penultimate chapter. Chapter 21 will post next Tuesday. It’s already written, so no delay this time. I am beyond grateful my muse chose to grace during the month of July, and I’m equally thrilled to put this story to rest after next week. Even though the events in this chapter took place a little over five decades ago, current unrest in New York, Oregon, and a number of other places are reminiscent of the struggles of those years ago. It’s disheartening, but this story has always been a little too close to current events. I know I’ve said this often, but the fight’s not over.
Historical events in this chapter include the following:
The Stonewall Riots began on June 28, 1969 at the Stonewall Inn, a well-known gay bar, in Greenwich Village in New York City. Gay patrons, tired of frequent police mistreatment and brutality, fought back when police raided the bar. The struggle evolved into a six day civil rights protest and ushered in what is known as “gay pride.” The words of Jennifer’s news report comes from an article in the New York Times on June 28, 1970. I took some artistic license by including it a year prior in the story.
WNBC is the local NBC affiliate for New York City. It gained its call letters in 1960.
There was a massive presence of African American trans activists involved in the Stonewall Riots. I don’t include that in Josh’s experience because I wanted to keep him close to his friend’s character in the story, but intersectionality studies have done a wonderful job at providing a better look at the true historical picture of Stonewall.
The Stonewall Inn is still a working bar in New York City. I was able to visit in the days following the legalization of gay marriage in the United States in June 2015.
Last but not least, the Woodstock Music Festival took place in August 1969 near Bethel, New York. It was a three day music festival that was the pinnacle of the counterculture movement in the United States.
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New York City, New York, June 1969
 “Where’s your friend’s place?” Connor asked as he and Josh exited the subway and onto Seventh Avenue. “I’m ready to put this bag down and get to the bar.”
 Josh grinned at his younger brother as they hoofed it south to Andre’s apartment. It had been much too long since Josh had experienced all the city had to offer, and he was looking forward to trying to forget his broken heart in booze and weed and meaningless sex. As if any of that actually dulled the pain he felt every time he thought about Jennifer. Which was every second of every single day.
 “Quit being so impatient. We’ve got nothing else to do besides party for days. Happy graduation, bro,” he said with a clap on Connor’s shoulder. “And we’re here.”
 Andre buzzed them up, and Josh tried to hide his happiness at being reunited with his friend. They hadn’t seen each other since the concert in New Haven before… Before he went back to Chicago and fell into domestic bliss with Jennifer and lost himself in the process. If he could figure out how to go back and do it over, he would, but the fact was that he wasn’t a good boyfriend. Monogamy wasn’t his thing, and nothing about the months he’d spent in the Midwest made him think he could balance his personal life with activism. He wasn’t good at splitting his attention between two things, especially when one was a leggy blonde whose pussy made him want to worship between her legs for days. Besides that, he was in love with her, and it scared the shit out of him.
 “Good to see you, man,” Andre huffed through their hug. “I need a catch up on everything since we last talked. Been out in Cali with your bro, huh?”
 “Yeah, Andre you remember Connor. Connor, Andre. Out at Stanford with him. Just trying to find my way back.”
 “Back to what?”
 “Let’s smoke a bowl first. Then I’ll tell you. It’s too much right now.”
 An hour later, the three were sprawled across the living room as smoke hung heavy in the air. Josh felt his bones dissolve and his head float into a happy space, one where he wasn’t a fuck up or a failure. Instead, he was that idealistic kid from Kentucky who genuinely believed he could change the world, shape it into something that was just for everyone, including Andre and his own  brother, who’d come out since Josh joined him in Stanford. He hadn’t wasted 1968 in bed with Jenn. He hadn’t failed to help change the minds of those who looked down on others as inferior.
 “I went to Chicago. You know that,” he spoke into the haze swirling above his head. “I found her. She was beautiful. Is beautiful, and she’s so talented. So much more herself than she was at Berkeley. I’m so proud of her. She’s a reporter on the local NBC station. Reported on the DNC protests and made a name for herself, but me… Things didn’t go so well for me. Chicago chewed me up and spit me out and ruined me. She ruined me. Except she didn’t. She saved me. I lost myself, and I was dragging her down with me. I couldn’t do that to her. I had to leave, to give her space to really shine, and to figure out how the fuck to find myself again because I’m so lost. I don’t know how to fight anymore. How to stand up for what’s right when I know I’m not doing that for her. I don’t deserve her, man. I don’t, and I couldn’t drag her down anymore. So, I left. I wrote a note, and I ran. Haven’t talked to her since.”
 His voice trailed into silence, but the music continued to pulse. Andre nodded, clearly working through the information, and Connor closed his eyes and rolled his head from side to side. Nothing Josh had said made him feel any better. All he’d done was be honest about his actions. He wasn’t looking for approval, and he wasn’t looking for advice. The best thing he could do was leave her alone to succeed and thrive on her own.
 He told himself that later that night when he picked up a woman in the bar and fucked her in the bathroom. He repeated that mantra when his brother decided to return to California and leave him in New York to find a job. He insisted he was being honest with himself when he switched on the local news and realized Jen had transferred to New York. And then he reiterated it when he agreed to join Andre for drinks at the Stonewall Inn.
 ****
 Josh swept his dark hair out of his eyes and pulled it back into a ponytail. He chuckled at the thought of what his dad would say if he saw his elder son’s hairstyle. Chris had always been loving and supportive outside of his frustration over his injury, but that didn’t mean he thought men should wear long hair. It was shaggier than Josh was used to. At some point, he needed a haircut, but he couldn’t seem to justify paying for something so mundane when there were a million other things that were more important. He was itching for a cause to support in a meaningful way, and it felt like something was coming.
 The air itself was heavy. New York City in the summer was often full of heat and humidity and that day was no different. The temperatures hung in the mid-90s well into the later afternoon as he made his way south through Greenwich Village toward the gay bar Andre frequented.
 It felt good to be in the city. Even though he’d never lived there, it felt right somehow to be in the cradle of counterculture, even if he’d gotten a little too comfortable with the status quo during his months in Chicago.
 Seven months since he’d seen her in person. He still couldn’t think about what she’d felt when she found his note, how she’d crumbled when she realized he wasn’t coming back. He knew she’d been waiting for it. Despite his irresponsible actions and inability to commit, he understood Jen better than he did himself. She’d known he was going to run, had been preparing for it the entire time they’d spent together, and he’d proven her right.
 Being without her was terrible for him, but it was everything she deserved. She was too good for him, always had been. Even when she was spoiled and selfish, she’d had class and an innate kindness that he’d never be able to emulate. Josh strolled the last short distance with a wry grin gracing his face. He allowed himself the length of the block to beat himself up, and then he plastered on a smile and waltzed through the door of the Stonewall Inn.
 The bar was dark with bulky furniture and a long row of stools framing the shiny wooden counter. Bartenders pulled beer and mixed drinks quickly and served them with flirtatious smirks that elicited copious tips. Andre called his name from the back, and Josh twisted his way through laughing groups of men who were finally able to relax in a world that wasn’t ready to accept them.
 “My man,” he said as he tugged Andre into a hug and was then introduced to the rest of the group. He tried to remember their names, but the words were lost in the din of the club. He ordered a beer and sat back to listen as his friend interacted with the other men.
 “Things are worse,” Andre insisted. “There hasn’t been a raid in a while, but it’s only a matter of time before the pigs show up again.”
 “It’s shit,” another man agreed and tucked his blonde hair behind his ears. “Sometimes I wonder if we ought to do something about it. Fight back next time or take it to the streets.”
 Andre seemed more relaxed than Josh had ever seen him as the group discussed the political climate of the nation. Advances in equal rights for a number of groups hinted that change could be in the near future for gays and lesbians, too, but it was understandable that the bar’s patrons didn’t trust the nation’s power structures. And why would they? There’d been so little progress for the gay community since McCarthyism and the oppression of the decade before.
 Josh lost track of time as he drank and listened. He contributed when he felt like he had something to say, but he mostly enjoyed hearing about the movement from insiders instead of trying to insert himself. Despite his close friendship with Andre and his own brother’s coming out a few months prior, he didn’t have a lot of contact with men who were attracted to other men. He’d always loved the female form, although he’d considered sexual attraction to the same sex. Somehow, it had never happened, and he didn’t feel like forcing something would do any good. He’d rather be supportive of those who had those feelings that try to be someone he wasn’t.
 A tussle by the door caught his attention. Andre and the others at the table tensed, and Josh felt the hair on his arms rise. Something was happening, although he wasn’t sure what.
 “It’s a raid,” Andre muttered as he rose and pushed Josh behind him.
 “What do you mean?”
 “I mean, it’s a raid. The pigs are here.”
 Josh watched in disbelief as police swarmed into the bar and yelled at the patrons. Drinks spilled, and men scrambled as police batons emerged and landed on those sitting at the bar. Time seemed to slow down, and he watched in disbelief as a brawl broke out in front of him. He’d drunk too much; that much was clear, but he felt like he was in a dream. Drifting along beside Andre, he joined the protest, raising his voice next to his friend and others he didn’t know. He yelled and marched and raised his fist as the streets became a battleground. He watched as those around him sparked with pride and celebrated their liberation.
 He hadn’t felt the rush of working for something that mattered for so long, and it felt amazing. This wasn’t his personal fight, but it also was. What could be more personal than standing against police brutality and for the rights of everyone?
 As the sun rose over the horizon, Andre and he stumbled home and slept for a few hours before rejoining the fray. For the next three days, he felt himself coming alive. When the police beat him, he curled in on himself and ignored the pain, and when it was all over, he lay in Andre’s apartment and realized he had to stop running. He’d left Chicago because he wasn’t worthy of Jen’s love, and he’d done nothing in the seven months since to change that. He needed a purpose, and he had to stop waiting for one to come to him. Instead, he had to go find it.
 ****
 But then suddenly she was there on his television—Andre’s television—and he forgot everything except how much he missed her. He gaped at the screen as she talked and tried to quell the ache in his gut.
 “…today’s remnants of the riots from Greenwich Village. A reminder, thousands of young men and women homosexuals from all over the Northeast marched from the Village to the Sheep Meadow in Central Park three days ago, proclaiming ‘the new strength of pride of the gay people.’ This movement, which some are calling gay pride, rejects the oppression of gay men and women and demands equal treatment and respect in society and under the law.
 Thousands have taken to the streets, marching and protesting against police brutality and raids of gay bars and clubs. I’ve spoken to a number of protestors, and each reminds me that this movement has been long in the making. Stay tuned for further coverage. In the Village, I’m Jennifer Lawrence for WNBC, Channel 4.”
 “That a girl,” he murmured as the screen faded from her to the anchor in the studio.
 She looked amazing. A little more mature and stylish than she’d been in Chicago but also happy and confident. The slightly nervous energy she’d always portrayed on the screen in the Midwest seemed to have evaporated on the East Coast, and it was a good look on her.
 “Was that her?” Andre asked lazily, his grin visible from the dim corner. “That’s your chick?”
 “Yeah, that’s her,” he breathed.
 Andre took a hit and passed a bud to him, and Josh inhaled twice sharply. It took a few minutes, but the marijuana did exactly what he wanted, which was to loosen him up and relax. He couldn’t believe they were in the same city again, and he wondered briefly if they were drawn to each other unintentionally or if there were cosmic forces at work to reunite them. How could he explain to anyone that two people who lived in Kentucky ended up halfway across the country together at college in California, reunited and lived together in the Midwest, and then landed in the same city on the East Coast?
 Well, now he needed to get his shit together. The only problem was he had no idea how other than following his calling. He was an activist. That was part of him down to the marrow in his bones, and she was still a reporter. How was he ever going to reconcile that restless, never satisfied portion of him when Jenn was a part of the system? How could he fight “the man” when the woman he loved was part of it?
 “I can see the wheels turning, Hutch. What’s going on in that big, beautiful brain of yours?”
 Josh sighed and swiveled his head to face his friend. “I’ve never been good enough for her. I don’t know what to do except leave her alone, but I can’t stand being without her.”
 “You know, you don’t have to give up everything for a cause, especially when it’s not your own.”
 “They’re all my causes,” Josh protested. “Just because I’m not oppressed doesn’t mean I shouldn’t work for change.”
 “Just because oppression exists doesn’t mean you should martyr yourself.”
 Josh started to retort but snapped his jaw shut. The words hit hard and low in his stomach. His friend was right. Denying himself happiness wasn’t helping anyone else, and it certainly hadn’t made his or Jennifer’s lives any better. He’d broken both their hearts for far too long, and he had to figure out how to make it right.
 “You’re right, man. I know you are, but I’m just not there yet,” Josh sighed. “I think, though, that I might need to move here once I am.”
 “Always a spot here for you, Hutch.” After a few minutes of silence, Andre added, “There’s talk of an event here in a few months. Think you could stick around and facilitate planning? Might help you get your mind right, and then you can head back to California to see your brother and get the rest of your stuff.”
 “Yeah, I can do that, I guess. What is it?”
 “A concert. Somewhere upstate.”
 “A concert?”
 “Not just a concert. It’s a movement. Days of music, and all of us communing with nature.”
 Josh rolled it around in his mind for a few minutes. It sounded like something to occupy his time while he got himself together. The next day he met with the planners of an event they affectionately referred to as Woodstock.
 ****
 “Josh, I can’t tell you how much of a help you’ve been during this,” his boss said as they moved a stack of flyers into a crate. “I wasn’t sold when Andre asked me to take you on, but your creative ideas have been stellar.”
 “Just trying to help out however I can,” he responded. “Glad to have something to do that might help the cause.”
 “Every little thing helps. Now, you’re off for the week. Go enjoy some good music upstate. I’ll see you behind the scenes.”
 Josh gave a two-fingered salute and made his way back to Andre’s apartment. They were hitching a ride with some other friends and making their way north to the festival, and he still had to pack before they could leave. He was almost there when he decided to pop into the corner bodega and grab some food. Who knew what kind of opportunities there would be to eat with however many people showed up in Bethel? They’d had to change locations not long ago and they’d tried to plan for all eventualities, but that didn’t mean Josh couldn’t bring some extra sustenance.
 “Always be prepared,” he said to himself with a laugh and turned the corner. He stopped dead in his tracks. Not a hundred feet away was a woman with long blonde wavy hair. “Jennifer?”
 He chased after her, but he quickly realized it wasn’t her. The same thing happened at the festival several times. Woodstock was a gas, a writhing throng of bodies with music that transcended him and made him fly with happiness. For the first time in a while, he felt like he knew himself. He’d helped plan it. He’d thought ahead to bring food when so many others wasted time searching for dinner. He was surrounded by friends and people of like mind. The lack of restrooms and facilities to bathe didn’t bother him. That could all wait until he returned to the city, which came much too soon.
 Back at Andre’s, he smoked weed while he took a long, soothing bath. He jacked off lazily and let his mind drift to a slew of different times he’d been with Jen. He fantasized and planned and finally came to the realization that he needed to head back to California to tie up loose ends and spend time with his brother. Connor would help him focus. Being back where he and Jennifer had first met and fallen in love seemed like a good idea.
 “Tomorrow,” he decided. “I’ll buy my ticket. California, here I come.”
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raezenreiki · 4 years ago
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Welcome to my multidimensional world.
Hello! I am so thankful to be able to share my story with you. Growing up, I knew intuitively that I was unique – and what I mean by that, as of course we are all unique, was that I didn’t fit into the status quo. I came into this life with fears, loves, and a feeling that this body was holding something extremely powerful inside.  
           I specifically remember being a young girl playing with toys in my bedroom. I had a multidimensional moment, which at the time I had not an understanding of what that meant. During this moment, my mind spoke to me and said “I know this life is strange, but you must keep going. I know that playing with these toys is not what you are used to, but you must keep going in this body. You are in an earthly body. You have an earthly family. You must keep going.” – Now I will admit I am paraphrasing as this feeling did not truly come to me in the English language, it was more a sensing of my mind and a “Knowing”. I have never forgotten that moment.
           Throughout my twenty-six years on this earth and journeys around the sun I see-sawed between what I thought I was supposed to be and who I was. Looking back now and what my family and I did not know at the time was that; my heart was activated one thousand times more than your average eleven-year-old. How could I explain this to my loved ones around me as I didn’t know that their hearts were activated at a “statistically normal” level. My empathy seemed to be my weakness. My first heart break at eleven years old led me down a spiraling depression that I dug deeper and deeper until I was already six feet under, under water, swimming with whales and manatees in my mind, holding my breath.
           I was looking up at these whales and manatees above me, a representation of the heaviness of the depression and anxiety weighing on me, and I could not find a hole or gap in between the swarm of them to swim to the top. I could hear my loved ones yelling, “You can do it! Don’t be weak!” They wanted me with their entire being to find a sweet spot, gather all the air left in my lungs, and make it to the shore.
           I instead learned how to breathe under water, the universe gifted me temporary gills and I swam beneath the shallow waters, into a deep blue abyss. During my time in this abyss, I felt nothing for a while. I would spend my days wandering; hiding from beasts if need be and learning to live in the darkness. I began to enjoy the dive. The darkness held a special comfort for me. My friends and family began to fade away, they were still at the shore waiting for me, Some distant friends finally went home to themselves but my family never left that shore, waiting for me to surface.
           Of course, sharing my story, I am currently sitting in a comfortable couch on earth writing on my laptop- so I must have made it back, which of course you must be assuming. But how?
 I found myself swimming in the darkest depths of the water, lowest oxygen and nearing death. Suddenly, another creature had appeared. After some discovery, we realized we were both having the same experience of deep pain, that we had found comfort in the darkness and I fell deeply in love – in fact convinced that we were two pieces of one soul.
           Unfortunately (or fortunately), I was deceived. We were separate. His pain was different than mine. See I was born in this life with a set of lessons to learn that were my very own; and at the time; thinking we shared one soul; I didn’t understand how his pain could run in different patterns that mine. Although I gave him every ounce of love I held in my heart, he shoved me into a deep dwelling cave and pushed a heavy rock over the door. This was his denial that my love could possibly be real. He had deceived himself; as I was genuine. I thought, “this is the end, I will die here. This life is full of pain, atleast it is almost over.”
           This cave was so dark and full of beasts whispering into my ears. Their whispers told me “You don’t deserve life, you are unworthy of happiness, you are nothing. The world would be better without you. You are a liar. You are a fake.”
           And at that moment in time, right before my death, my beloved mother scuba dove down into the deepest waters, sensing her blood line and following her intuition. She brought an army of angels with her and they were emitting the brightest light you could imagine. Twelve billion suns of light that lit up the entire ocean for miles.
           The angels, with my mother leading them, rolled open the rock, and carried my depleted, empty body back up to shore. My mind was still intact; my soul was still holding on. I knew my soul was powerful from childhood; but it was this moment that began my awakening; my evolving, my ascension. I could not have made it here without my earthly mother. Little did I know the entire time I was wandering the abyss she was gathering the tools necessary to pull me out from it. That she battled her way through the darkness and brought the light to me. She held my body-mind and healed many of my wounds with her own selfless love.
           When I got back to land it took time for my acclamation. I had been broken for so long – but during my rescue the light of twelve billion suns entered my heart. Nothing could ever be the same. I found the light in my mind. I discovered the true ability of my power.
           I have since learned that the healer is not always healed, that we are all on this journey together around the sun; ALL of us as one mind. I have since learned that there is no one you look in the eyes that is not deserving of love. I have since learned that forgiveness takes time, but it is not impossible. I have since learned that I am not here to judge you no matter what acts you perform or what type of life you choose. I have since learned it is my goal to align my current earthly mind with my highest self that will guide me through this life in the most beneficial way possible for the micro and the macro. I have since learned I have spiritual abilities that have and are continuously being activated. I have since learned that I have a soul family and soul guides that resonate on a frequency I always have access to if need be. I have since learned that we are never alone; we are always surrounded by guides. That Jesus Christ Consciousness is available to activate your heart whenever you are ready. That there are light workers, energy workers, mystics, psychics, and healers who walk the earth in order to assist others out of the abyss. I like the phrase “If I made it to the light, so can you.” And you cannot ever deny the light in this physical world. When you go outside, and the sun is shining you see it in its physical form. You are made of that – the science is there if you need it – but you can Know it inside the stillest part of your mind; the fulcrum of which your energy rests upon.
           This is what led me to energy work. I began a yoga practice, and a meditation practice, and a spiritual practice. I have been to church, I have done the religious thing, and I have gotten good and bad out of that. What works for me is to follow what I hear in my heart. I don’t need a physical building – I have an entire community of people in real life and spirit guides who are “my people” (in theory because some of them are pure energy and I don’t need to envision them in creature form) ; I have everything I need right inside my own mind. I have found that at times for split moments I am one with God. I have rested in His hands. I have felt the cold rush of angels entering my energetic field. I have felt the incredible life force energy running from my crown above my head down through every cell, atom, electron, proton, and neutron of my body; filling it up with a love that detoxes out anything negative that needs to be released.
           Energy work performs natural miracles from the power of God that when we desire and ask and set the correct intention – we are given. Sit with that for a moment.
If I can do this, anyone can. I have been to the darkest hole, and I have risen to the highest mountain. The pinnacle. I am now standing on that mountain ready to accept the life that is calling out to me.
           Energy workers, light beings, reiki practitioners, mystics, and psychics all have a story. I believe they run deep – thousands of years – and in each life they may find their way back home to themselves. I have, and I am grateful beyond belief to God that I have found my way home; and I am working towards a state where there is more than a split second of being in His Oneness, His omnipotence; omnipresence; and omniscience surrounds us all.
           Welcome. I am Cristina Rae, and I am blessed to share who I am. This is just the very beginning. I love you all – I am imagining how beautiful you all are, on the inside and on the outside, and how our connection; if You have read this far; may be divine timing for a beautiful and magical outcome. I cannot wait to share more with you. If you’d like to contact me for now the best way is
. Website is under construction – or at Raezenreiki on Instagram.I love you all , you beautiful beings.
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dainty-baneberry · 4 years ago
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Prompt #17: Fade
She ran. 
High heeled boots making sharp staccato clacks against the stone floor as she did. 
The hallway, built for people much, much taller than she, was a skillful jigsaw puzzle of precision cut stone, barely restraining the blue glow of the Crystal Tower's inner marvels. 
The pinnacle of Ancient Allag, it was once the seat of power to Emperor Xande but it was very different occupant that Dainty sought upon her second venture in to the monolith. 
A massive gilt door blocked her path. She knew from experience it would resist all attempts at parting the two halves of the intricately wrought design. 
Unless one happened to be holding a soul crystal which contained the blood of the sole remaining heir to the Royal Allagan Bloodline.
With it in her grasp, her head momentarily bowed over it the massive doors gave an uprising glow, then slid apart with nary a whisper.
The familiar interior greeted Dainty as she strode in.
Granite floors and stone plinths. Blue crystal and gold. 
And an Allagan teleportation cube, large enough to ferry even the massive bodies of Xande's court where the needed to go within the sprawling, labyrinthine structure. 
As she crossed the threshold she knew she would not find that which she sought at the top of the tower. 
Even as a brash youth of 24 he would never assume to sit in Xande's throne. That had never been his way. She would find him in a side room or similar.
Perhaps the Occular in which the Crystal Exarch had held court existed in this version of the Tower and she might locate him there. 
On swift feet she moved, the Tower silent but for the sound of her heels. 
Dainty had never liked G'raha Tia when they were first acquainted, she would be the first to admit it, and he the second. His eccentric, playful nature had ever rubbed the cynical, jaded Dainty wholly the wrong way.
She had spent a large portion of their early acquaintance possessed of the desire to hurl him from the top of the Crystal Tower to check if he would bounce. But even she had been forced to respect the grave decisions he had made at the end.
To seal himself in the Tower, possibly for eternity, to ward it against any that would use it for ill. 
His choice could very easily have been naught more than a death sentence.
Perhaps in their saved timeline, with the Eighth Umbral Calamity averted, it now would be.
The G'raha Tia whom had entombed himself had imposed not only improbably but utterly impossible conditions to awaken him; Eorzea meeting, and exceeding the technological marvels of the Allagans.
Even the Imperial Garlean Empire, which was the foremost technological nation on their Star was no where near the dizzying heights that the Allagans had managed. 
An eternal sleep that you cannot be woken from was no different than death when it came down to it and thus was what G'raha Tia would have consigned himself to. If not for the soul crystal Dainty carried. 
Up she went, booted feet no longer ringing against the stone as the lower levels gave way to carpeted ornate catwalks and trellises that were more decorative than functional. 
It was branching off from this main thoroughfare that she found him. 
G'raha Tia, laid out on a simple plush ottoman that was meant for a being many times his size.
If Dainty had to guess she would have pegged it for something Scylla might have once rested her feet upon while lounging, when the braying of her hounds grew too much to bare. 
He looked for all the world to be simply asleep, laying lightly on one side, one arm tucked under his head for a pillow. His light, relaxed breathing made it seem as if his sleep was not so deep that he could not be woken easily. 
Dainty knew better than that. 
Just as the doors would not open without his blood, nor would his body come to life without an external means. Biggs III, in the far future, had managed it with a piece of technology that rivaled that with the Allagan's created. 
Dainty held no such thing, only the soul crystal, which she gently placed beside his inert form.
He looked so young to her eyes. She had grown accustom to seeing him as the Crystal Exarch. Red hair stained with white at the ends, and a myraid of blue crystals running jaggedly across his skin. 
This G'raha Tia, just 24 summers of age, had never merged his body with the tower to prolong his lifespan and, if Dainty had anything to say about it, he never would. 
She knew the memories and soul of the Crystal Exarch would attempt to leave the vessel and take up residence in G'raha Tia's body, just as the soul crystals of the Scions had done so for their bodies when placed beside them but there was a key difference in this instance. 
This was not the restoration of memory and soul to its correct, yet empty physical home but a Rejoining. Dainty had every reason to believe it would work, however. Just as Ardbert’s wandering soul, a shard of her own, had been laid over hers there was no reason, in Dainty's mind, that the Crystal Exarch's soul should not easily merge with that of G'raha Tia. 
For they were one and the same soul. 
The soul crystal began to betray the tell tale signs of animation. The familiar white glow swelled within it. 
It would have surprised the Scions to see her climb up on the dais next to G'raha Tia to sit beside him. She settled in, knees bent up and resting her elbows on them comfortably.
She was a Warrior, to her very core. Stoic, oft silent and much more likely to remove herself and lurk in a dark corner than remain close by someone's side. She had never been an affectionate person, nor one much given to provide physical comfort. 
Her method of giving aid or succor was in her strength. In the putting down of whatever was causing someone harm, rather than in a gentle touch or embrace to soothe them. 
But she respected G'raha Tia in a way that was very, very rare to the Au Ra Warrior. As she had grudgingly respected his choice to seal up the Tower with himself inside so she had grown to appreciate him as the Crystal Exarch. At almost every turn she found herself understanding why he made the decisions he did, for they were the same ones she would have made if the situation was reversed. It was no coincidence, the Exarch had fully admitted to always keeping his reverence for her in his mind and hoped that he could someday live up to even a fraction of her legend. 
As the last light of the crystal began to fade G'raha Tia began to stir. 
Bright red eyes blinking through the blue glow, trying to piece together where he was and who he was.
He blinked again, struggling against the sudden confluence of memories in his mind as where there was once only 24 years of knowledge there suddenly existed an entire life time and more.
Lyna. The Crystarium. Sin Eaters. Emet -Selch. Elidibus. The Scions. The Light. The Dark. Astral and Umbral Calamities. It all whirled in his head. Around and around and around until ... "Raha?" ... a rarely heard voice. She spoke so little, usually only when asked a direct question. Nor was she much given to say his name with clear affection. She was prone to sarcasm and dark humor so to hear such gentle tones from the Warrior of Light; it was enough to cut through all else in his mind. He turned to look at the woman sitting beside him as the confusion started to fade. "Ah." He gave a small relieved sigh. She was been blue with white hair and eyes when he saw her last, on the First and now she was gray with dark eyes and hair. Yet he would recognize Dainty anywhere, no matter what form she took; "There you are, my friend." She was utterly unable to put everything she felt into words to hear the Exarch's voice greet her.
His Rejoining was successful. The Scions were all restored. G'raha Tia was restored. It was over. It was all over.
A small laugh escaped her. Then another, and another as G'raha Tia started to laugh too. He could honestly say he had never heard Dainty laugh before, not in the past nor present nor unwritten future. It was fully contagious. It echoed around the chamber, bouncing off all the blue crystal to ring in their ears. At the same time they both leaned forwards to press their foreheads against one another as their laughter faded around them. Eyes closed they leaned against the other. Words seemed utterly superfluous yet both felt the need to acknowledge the bond of an intense shared experience. And express their relief that they had both survived.
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long-after-love · 4 years ago
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Some personal ramblings on love/marriage
(This is actually a non-Beatles post, even though I relate this story to Lennon/McCartney, which is funny)
The other day, I learned something about my cousin. Thanks to anonymity I can tell everything here.
Let's just call him Steve and his wife Anna. An admirable, hard-working, very likable man. His wife is a beautiful and sweet lady whom I also have massive respect for. They have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. The boy inherits his dad's quick wit and his mom's fair complexion. The girl had her father's intense eyes and her mom's gentle charm. I have never known any family that looks so pretty and wholesome, they are the sort that you see in commercials – a bit too perfect to be true. 
Steve is never really close to me, but we are on great terms when we meet. Anna likes me as well. They used to invite me to join them on family trip when I was younger. I looked after the boy and the girl, so that they could have some private couple moments. Steve was openly sweet to his wife, and Anna held his hand all the time. The kids would run around me, laughing out loud at nothing as kids would. I felt like I was watching a movie.
And just recently, everybody in my extended family was shocked to find out that Steve had an illegitimate child that he has supported in secret for more than ten years now. His mistress could not compare with Anna in any way, and the most absurd thing was he wasn't even in love with her. Now everybody are asking, "Why, Steve? Why?" and I could imagine that even Steve was unable to explain it. 
Last week, I called my sister in Australia to ask about her current situation amidst Covid-19 and of course we talked about Steve's little scandal. Here I have to provide some background about her, and my family background. She is a single mom, and she is closer to Steve than anyone in my extended family. When she divorced her husband, my parents were so against it because they thought that she was selfish and the child needed a mom and a dad. My parents were old-fashioned that way – I think they were not wrong from where they stood, back when they had my sister and me. I never thought of my parents as a very loving couple. They rarely fought, but they had zero romantic vibe. I always had the impression that they stayed married because of me and my sister, not because they were in love.
I’ve realized that my mother and my father never ever taught me about sex, and as long as I could remember they’ve never shared the same bed. They did not even have a wedding photo. I guess it was because they were very poor and could not afford to take a photo of that day, but they didn’t even have couple photo either. They had to be with someone else in any photo al all: with me and my sister, or relatives, or in a group photo of friends and acquaintances. My father is a stern, quiet man and my mother is a nurturing, traditional woman. I could understand their love and their bond, but I can’t feel it. Their love was mutually built on their devotion to their kids, aka my sister and me, so to me it was a culmination of shared responsibility, understanding, appreciation, respect and most important, mutual sacrifice. I never saw any true moment of romance between them, I have never, ever seen my parents kissing ever. 
Love and sex in my household was a taboo subject – when I was younger my parents did not want me to have a boyfriend, and then when I got older they wanted me to get married and have kids as soon as possible. 
It sounds a bit ridiculous but I discovered love through The Beatles, and their songs were, in a way, painted my outlook for love. Of course, after all these years consuming other kinds of art I’ve established for myself a far more detailed concept of love, but it is The Beatles that gave me the rough idea. Some might say they were just four young lads singing pop songs about love just like every other pop song out there – I agree with them, at the time they did, and I am sure they didn’t think much about what they were writing – they only wanted to sound good and sell a few records after all. However, I don’t think they were fully aware of their extraordinary talent and their unprecedented influence at the time – such are the stuff that only those with the gift of hindsight like us can see. The Beatles would never know that decades later their songs still changed the life of a little girl in Vietnam for good. Loving The Beatles set me apart not just from my peers then when I was 12, and in a way, I alienated myself from my surrounding because of that. I started drifting away from my parents’ influence consciously (but of course on an unconscious level they still have their influence on me), and became an aberration – not just within the household, but also later on at school or in the workplace, however, I don’t consider being different means I am special, useful, or deserve anything better. Being different is just being different.
Back to the topic of my parents, perhaps my sister felt the same way as I do – we were living in a household where any discussion of love and sex was shadow banned after all. The nearest ideal we can look up to, was Steve’s family. They were the pinnacle of success and domestic bliss. However, before this scandal happened only my sister knew that everything was far from perfect – I happened to realize that she become Anna’s close friend after her divorce. And of course, she wasn’t so surprised about Steve’s illegitimate child at all. 
Through my sister I’ve learned about Steve and Anna’s story. 
Steve and Anna were classmates, and they had been dating for more than 7 years before the marriage. It was 7 years of an on-off relationship. I don’t know anything about Anna, but Steve, at one point, fell in love with another girl (let’s call her Sarah) and even proposed to her. Sarah’s parents did not approve their relationship because they much preferred Anna, and Steve’s parents were against the idea of having Sarah as daughter-in-law as well. Now I need to tell you that I’m from an Asian country where a woman doesn’t simply get married to her husband, she marries the family of her husband as well, so many women have to live with parent-in-laws. Steve’s and Sarah’s families are way too different and they could not stand each other. Due to fierce objections from both sides, they had to break up.
Sarah was still madly in love with Steve then, that even before the wedding she came to meet Anna, and asked her to let him go. My sister told me:
“Steve said that Sarah still saw him one week before the wedding. She told Anna that Steve loved her, and he nodded. It was the worst experience in his life -  having to confront these two women about his feelings. About four or three days later, Anna called Sarah’s parents, begged them to intervene. Sarah’s father had a terrifying meeting with Steve’s family, demanded Steve to break up with Sarah for good and never see her again, because he was supposed to marry Anna and Sarah, of course, would ultimately have to marry someone else as well. After getting married to Anna, Steve had fell into depression in 3 months. He could not sleep, he got up at 3 am just to sit on the roof and smoke or take a walk outside until he had to leave home for work. Finally he got himself together, because he could not just throw his life away – he was the only son of the family and his parents had so much hope in him (once again, where I live, parents valued their sons more than daughters, and women are but a lost cause – it’s an East Asian thing especially for countries being heavily influenced by Confucian’ philosophy). He put on a façade for nearly twenty years. It’s not that he didn’t love Anna – he loves Anna because she is the mother of his kids, he admires her effort and patience, her decision to stick with him despite all the things he did behind her back. He owes her a happy family. He acts out that kind of love publicly and proudly because that is what his conscience forced him to do. On the other hand there is always a vacuum inside him, he longs for the kind of love he had with Sarah and found the ghosts of it in his affairs. The illegitimate child was his accident, he have been quietly supporting the mom and the kid – however due to Covid-19 he cannot make as much money as he could and the financial support was dwindling. The woman was furious, so she decided to expose him. However, Anna still forgave her husband, as she did many times before in silence.” 
I asked my sister if she knew what Sarah was doing now. She said she didn’t know, but according to Steve, Sarah also got married about one month after his wedding. Perhaps that deepened his depression back then, he was shocked that she could find someone so quickly – however, that was the way it should be. He deleted her number, never contacted her again. He said he wouldn’t want the present to mess with the image of Sarah in his mind, and probably Sarah had done the same thing.
Now I’ve come to a point in my life, where I believe that anything can happen. I’m not too surprised that some weird shit happened, I’m just surprised that it happened under my nose. Even in my own relationship with my partner, sometimes I don’t understand what was going on without asking for other people’s different accounts on our relationship. There are so many things we could not tell each other, but from the outside, people could feel it. Then again there are things we want people to see, however true the opposite of them are. We did not lie when we were showing how in love we were, but we were not entirely genuine either.
It is never black and white. But of course, it is also never the perfect balance of black and white or an unanimous grey.
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