#scared myself there for a bit
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svsss horror game au where shen yuan is first in line to buy the pidw-inspired rpg where you play as a wandering cultivator with amnesia, and are taken in by the cang qiong sect during the head disciple days of the last peak lord generation.
because pidw knows its audience, a large part of the marketing was focused on the romance and action aspect of the game, with additional lore from deleted novel scenes—how could shen yuan not buy this game? maybe the peak lords will finally be more than props in the background! the romance aspect seems to be at least somewhat tastefully done, if he can trust the leaks, with more emotional depth than fetish fulfillment (shen yuan swears that if there is even one unskippable cutscene of some peak lord's feet he's going to chuck his computer out the window).
shen yuan customizes his character, going all out on the clichés because why not, giving him white hair and peerless beauty and all the characteristics of an A+ wife (beauty is power in pidw), actually excited to play the game. the first part is standard, you wake up in a barn with amnesia, only a sword and some items to your name, and have to do some tutorial quests to get used to the game mechanics. it's simple enough. eventually, you end up in a village that shen yuan is certain is possessed, because all the NPC's act very unnatural and strange, and it's pretty unsettling. here, the player is supposed to meet the cang qiong head disciples on their own quest, who naturally think the player is the most interesting person they've ever seen, a super special cultivator, and will take him in because the player is the most coveted character in the universe (apart from luo binghe, that is).
of course, before shen yuan can get very far, he ends up being transmigrated into the game as his own character. it could be way worse: he's a cultivator, peerlessly beautiful, destined to be picked up by the most prestigious sect, and has his own protagonist halo of sorts. he's honestly pretty excited about this
until he finds out that the marketing heavily downplayed the horror elements of the game.
shen yuan is calmly eating a meal in an inn of the village, waiting for the next quest point to start, when suddenly,
[ system notification ]
"you are being observed"
observation level: ???
entity classification: unknown
engagement protocol: do not acknowledge
right after, the windows go dark, not closed or shuttered, dark, as if something large has just leaned against the side of the building. no one else acknowledges this.
shen yuan shakes it off. it's just a game, it's... ambiance, that's all. build up.
he walks through the streets of the town, using his low-level talismans to try and find traces of the entity he's supposed to defeat or uncover to complete the quest. he pauses beside a broken cart, one of its wheels is half-sunk in the mud. the system pings again.
[ system notification ]
"it's behind you."
note: do not turn around.
(option to suppress message: [ ] not recommended)
the street is utterly silent. a prickle begins at the base of his skull. something is there. some deep animalistic part of him is already screaming not to look.
it disappears. he earns 5 survival points. he hopes he won't have to earn any more.
later that night, shen yuan looks for shelter, finding an old shrine visible from the road, just at the side of town. he steps inside and sees old incense sticks, some forgotten offerings. it's simple, but dry. it will do.
he crosses the threshold—
[ mission triggered ]
mission objective: hide
time limit: unknown
condition to complete: remain unnoticed
footsteps crunch in the leaves outside. every nerve in him goes rigid—not human.
too heavy. uneven. it's coming.
shen yuan ducks behind the offering table, body pressed flat against the ground. he slows his breathing, barely daring to blink. a screen in his peripheral vision blinks to life.
[ environmental mechanic activated ]
microphone mode: ON
sound detection level: HIGH
a semi-transparent sound meter appears. with every shaky breath, the bar pulses red. shen yuan clamps his hands over his mouth.
something passes, just beyond the shrine's opening. large. the system does not count down. there is no timer. the floor boards moan faintly beneath a ponderous weight, something drags across the ground.
shen yuan forces his body still, trembling so hard it hurts his teeth.
it leaves. the system congratulates him for surviving. it doesn't tell him what he just survived.
it's a relief when the head disciples of cang qiong show up, and the story delves into romantic cliches and relationship prompts. he gets to see liu qingge shirtless. shen qingqiu is typical tsundere. yue qingyuan is the soft gentle type. shang qinghua acts... off. he isn't what shen yuan thought he would be, less cunningly charming, more, well. nervous. of all the head disciples, he's the only one who actually seems like he doesn't want shen yuan to be here, always looking around.
like he knows shen yuan didn't come alone.
more instances like this occur. one moment, he's farming reputation points and relationship points with the other characters, doing quests and gathering memory fragments that will help unlock the player's backstory, the next, the system seems determined to make the game hell.
it always comes out of nowhere
[ system update ]
"warning: your heartbeat has been logged by another entity."
would you like to mute heartbeat tracking?
[ ] yes
[ ] no
[ ] it's too late.
he can never figure out what's following him, what that creature from the village is, but it's always there. no one else seems to notice, not a single talisman or ward can stop or detect it.
it comes even when he's in bed, still faintly blushing from a wife-plot equivalent where he fell from a ladder and was caught in wei qingwei's arms. he got to pet the pangolins too!
he's just about to fall asleep when the system pings:
[ mission objective: survive until dawn ]
hint: do not scream
somewhere beneath the floorboards under his bed, something begins scraping. like claws trying to memorize the layout of the house from below. shen yuan doesn't dare move. sleep never comes that night.
*
he can farm intelligence points by attending classes, and being the monster and plant nerd he is, qian cao peak is his first choice (it's either that, being beat up by bai zhan disciples that aren't even liu qingge, or running into shen qingqiu).
in the middle of a lesson on demonic poisons, the system pings quietly
[ system message ]
"one of the bodies in the infirmary is not a body"
objective: don't lose sight of it
shen yuan turns his head, slowly, to the curtained recovery beds along the wall. the curtain on the last one is slightly open.
it wasn't before.
mu qingfang continues speaking. shen yuan doesn't dare to look away.
*
one day, the thing starts to catch up
[ mission failure ]
"the sound you made has been registered"
estimated proximity: 00:00:17
do you want to run?
[ ] yes (not recommended)
[ ] no (not recommended)
*
[ emergency notice ]
"you were seen"
objective: hide
time limit: expired
success rate: 2%.
do you want to proceed?
[ ] yes
[ ] yes
*
[ achievement unlocked: it found you anyway ]
*
anyway, can you tell i had fun with the horror prompts? ^_^
i just have sooooo many ideas for the player's backstory, where it seems the character is just a blank slate for the player to project themselves onto, but there is so much more to them than you think. im also having loads of fun with the creature that follows the player around, i love making it as disturbing as possible.
mild spoiler: the creature is real and connected to the player. other characters can't detect or interact with it, but it's slowly growing stronger. shang qinghua is, of course, airplane, and as he was directly involved with the production of this game, he knew that as soon as an OC showed up, that thing wouldn't be far behind.
also, i love the idea of shang qinghua being stuck in a dating simulator as one of the options to romance. now shang qinghua has to play along with his own cringy cliche meetcutes, like showing the player around, flirting with the player, and generally playing the role of suave administrator with a dark secret (he's terrible at it). he had to do the "there's an eyelash on your cheek allow me" move on the player (shen yuan), and almost cringed out of his own skin. though, shang qinghua is the only one who can properly emphasize with the player, because he actually knows what horrid creature is stuck to him and what kind of horror scenarios the player has to go through (accidental cumplane? it's more likely than you think).
it's a bit of a mindfuck too, because shang qinghua can't tell whether the player is also a transmigrator, a puppet controlled by someone from another dimension, or a fleshed out OC of the system. he's also not allowed to ask, so it remains ambiguous. until, of course, they find out they're transmigrators and shen yuan has to deal with the fact he almost romanced airplane.
shen yuan makes a joke about defeating the creature with the power of love. shang qinghua says he wished it was that easy.
#i loooove horror but im honestly scaring myself#its worth it tho#i love the whiplash between ''liu qingge brings you his kills +10 romance stats''#and ''it saw you. final objective: survive''#brings some diversity into my diet#shen yuan himself also switches back and forth#bc at some point the player gets so scared that a peak lord offers them their bed or smth (if points are high enough)#so shen yuan is like HMPH i knew it!! cheesy romance plot contrivance!!#but the next that awful thing is scratching at the outside of his walls and hey shixiong scoot up a bit will you?#svsss#svsss au#horror game au#scum villain#shen yuan#shen qingqiu#liu qingge#yue qingyuan#shang qinghua#cang qiong mountain peak lords
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#still in my hole and a little scared to post this#just coz if it gets notes im worried ill end up in square one of only drawing for attention and getting stuck again#winter hasnt been easy on me for a while#and work has me so tired lately coz of it#im losing myself a bit#but the passion is still there its just gone a bit dormant#anyway.. vamery save me...#trigun#vashmeryl#vash the stampede#meryl stryfe#trigun maximum#my silly art
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i'm ready to try
#This drawing is kind of personal to me#I recently graduated (CUM LAUDE WOOOO!!!!) and its like. not to get depressing#but when i was younger i was never sure whether i would make it to this point#When i was going through what i consider to still be like. the worst time of my entire life#This fictional character was there for me and she was something for me to latch onto and cope with#eGem helped me a lot with being able to process my emotions at the time but also helped me to reflect on myself#which i think is a big reason as to why I'm really happy with where i am with myself right now#I'm going off to uni next school year to study astronomy!!! which!!!#Im also doing because of eGem!!! She ignited this kind of childlike wonder for space for me#I love doing math and physics and whilst Im still a bit scared because. honestly i don't know whether this is what i want to do with my lif#I think i'll be okay either way#either way i wanted to draw egem again even if i haven't done so in a while because its like#i think i wouldnt be who i am without her. i think i'd be a lot worse off#so like. thank you empires smp thank you geminitay thank you egem This drawing is me expressing my gratitude#AND THANK YOU AUTISM!#empires smp#empires smp s1#empiresblr#esmp#geminitay#art#fanart#alice.art#mcyt#mcytblr#song is andromeda by weyes blood... obv.. you guys know me by now :oP
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Sunday - Love Hypnosis
Sunday hypnotises you (consensually) to relax you.
No spoilers.
No description of reader or readers troubles so project what you are personally struggling with as you see fit.
No angst just fluff. I thought this concept would be cute. I've seen many a yandere Sunday hypnotises you, and that's great but consider - consent and fluff.
(This isn't a jab, I too enjoy a yandere fic from time to time but I also want to see fluff and I haven't seen this done in a fluffy way yet.)
I don't know why I'm mildly obsessed with this man but I am. (Cough Cough, I read maximum ride as a kid and now I automatically fall in love with winged characters. Cough Cough.) I need him to hypnotise me please and thank you.
(I have a few fics in the works that I need to finish but I'm struggling.)
As usual enjoy. Love ya 💙
"Darling?" Came the light and airy tone of your beloved. Though there was a hint of worry in his voice as he took in your face down, slumped form. "Are you alright?"
He could tell very well that you were not alright. But he would coax an answer out of you one way or another. Though the only answer he received was a groan.
"Darling." He sighs but chuckles at your obviously aggravated self. "Allow me to help you."
Your body goes limp as you let him move you from a sofa to your shared bed. "My darling. Tell me what's gotten into you."
He chuckles as you groan out a single word relating to your issues. "Life."
"Oh, my darling. You'll let me soothe you for the night won't you?" He only felt it was right after the many nights you had soothed him.
Patient, kind, understanding. Three words that when asked by others what you think about each other, you'd both say about each other. A pure give and take without a scoreboard, that's how you operated. You were both busy or stressed for one reason or another so that's how things had to be.
The simple love you shared was enough most days but sometimes things went wrong.
Sunday had performed hypnosis on you before so he knew it worked but he'd never engage unless you agreed. You knew the question he asked meant he wanted to soothe you via hypnosis, and with the state of your mind you would happily agree.
"Please do."
He wouldn't offer if he didn't have the energy you knew this, a rather large argument took care of that when he'd overworked himself then passed out after hypnotising you once and a medic had to be rushed in. Needless to say, you weren't happy with his carelessness. And seeing how upset you were he agreed to be more careful with his health.
You didn't want to think anymore so as you lay there looking up at him with your tired eyes and weary mind, he smiles. He caresses your face and hair before taking a deep breath and reciting that familiar chant.
"Oh triple faced soul, allow me to take hold of this one's mind and soothe them of all worries and burdens. The word Beloved will be the catalyst for control."
With that simple incantation your mind belonged to Sunday for a short while. Your mind felt fuzzy and slow but not unpleasantly, the way it would when you achieved complete relaxation.
Like he had done before, he would take you through your nightly routine with this hypnosis.
"Beloved, follow me to to the bathroom." He helped you up while your body automatically followed his words and stood up.
Walking was about the most complex task you could complete, he wasn't Xipe Themself, so his power only went so far.
"Beloved, lift your arms."
You do as told and he aids in stripping you, ready to be cleaned.
"Beloved, sit on this stool and close your eyes."
You again do as told his voice muffled through the layers of hypnosis, but soothing nonetheless. "I am going to wash your face first darling." He always narrates what he does before doing it as not to startle you.
You felt a cool, wet, cloth glide over your face and you can't help but sigh with satisfaction. You feel it gently caress your cheeks and softly rub your eyes tickle behind your ears. You hear the cloth being rinsed and wrung, the muffled sounds of the water soothing you further.
"I am going to wash your upper body now darling." And, as before, you feel the damp cloth glide over your neck and upper body, letting him move you has he sees fit. Soft humming coming from him lulls you deeper into his hypnosis. The cloth glides down and caresses your chest before moving to wash your back. You'd make sounds of relaxed satisfaction if you could but your exhausted body coupled with the hypnosis has made your brain devoid of any thought or control. Just how you want it.
He moves back to the front of you with a new cloth. "Beloved, spread your legs, I need to clean you."
Your body complies without hesitation and that's what he does, making sure to be extra gentle around this sensitive area. He is thorough but doesn't linger long this time, not wanting to spark anything in you this evening.
Standing to switch the cloth again, "I'm going to wash your legs and feet now darling." Still being as gentle as ever his hands and the cloth slowly makes their way down your legs massaging them as they go. A light massage is given to your feet as well before he finishes and pats you dry with a towel before he deems your body clean.
"Beloved, open your mouth wide."
He orders next, your mind too fuzzy to think of what else could be doing. You hear more water then feel a hand on your chin. "I'm going to brush your teeth darling." Then light scrubbing of your teeth and tongue can be felt, he is thorough with this area too. Not wanting to be the reason you have cavities he takes his time. Not too long later he finishes with you. You can hear things being put away and muffled sounds of him walking around you, maybe inspecting you. Before he stops in front and,
"Beloved, open your eyes and stand up. Its time to go to bed."
You're led back into the bedroom now that he is satisfied that you are clean. "Beloved, are you ready to sleep?"
Compelled to answer, you do. "yes"
"Beloved, do you want to sleep with me?"
"Yes"
"Good, let's get to sleep then shall we."
The sounds of fabric and draws is all you hear for a moment before he guides you into bed with him.
"Beloved, lay down."
When he's satisfied you are comfortable You feel his soft skin against yours, the wings on his head lightly brushing your face in reverence before he pulls them back. It isn't often he blesses you with his naked body, the vulnerability gets to him at times.
Once you've laid down and he's pulled you close he asked one more question.
"Beloved, are you ready to be released from hypnosis?"
"Yes"
As the words leave your lips he begins the incantation to remove his influence on your mind.
"Oh triple faced soul, this one has completed this ones tasks and can now be freed from the shackles of my control with no burden."
Everything goes still as your senses return slowly, reacclimating you to reality. A few minutes pass of him softly stroking your head and neck while you come back to him.
"Thank you Sunday" a soft whisper conveying how grateful you are before you promptly pass out the exhaustion and relaxation hitting you full force as you melt into the bed and his arms.
"Oh my beloved, I'd do anything to see you happy and relaxed like this more often. I am grateful for all you do for me so it's only natural. I love you, so much my beloved."
He whispers to your sleeping self, pressing small kisses to your forehead, cheeks and nose. Watching the small twitches at the contact makes his evening and he feels like he too can finally relax.
#hsr x reader#hsr sunday#hsr sunday x reader#sunday x reader#honkai star rail x reader#i needed fluffy hypnosis so i wrote it myself yay#i headcanon him as someone who would excessively use pet names because he finds them cute#and a sense of ownership but shush#but hes really just a tired dude whose life is spiralling out of control and i just want to hug him and stroke his wings#maybe reverse comfort for him next#i have a Neuvillette amd a clive rosfield fic in the works#i want to write for Aventurine but im a bit scared#also ratio#i love him more than i did when he was introduced thanks 2.1#anyway excited for patch 2.2 Sunday. wanna see him go even crazier but also see him nice and relaxed you know?#the duality of man#this isnt my best work ever but im happy ish with it and just want to get it out.#if you do have constructive criticism thats fine please and thank you#they could never make me hate you sunday#i love him even more after 2.2
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getting a diagnosis for smthn is actually so crazy. 22 years old and looking back at my whole life like OHHHHHH. I GET IT NOW
#was kinda chill at the gp the other day when she was like yeah You have pmdd <3 but i've truly had it on my mind all day every day since#bc it quite literally explains EVERYTHING. my life went to shit at 12 i literally self-imploded and took out everything in the vicinity#and it was literally bc i was hormonal. bc that was around the age i started getting a cycle#and for as long as ive been getting periods they've been hell on earth in some way or another#i spent 3 years at uni thinking i genuinely had a personality disorder bc of how insane my mood swings were#id act in ways that scared MYSELF id convince myself so wholly of totally irrational things#and a week later id look back in horror like what WAS that#and it was bc of pmdd. it was bc every time im due on i am incapable of regulating hormones most people deal with#like it's not just 'pms but a bit worse' it's a DISORDER. it's IN THE DSM5#it's a serious fucking thing they're MEDICATING ME FOR bc it's DEBILITATING#no wonder i wasn't dealing w it well!!! and reading all these quotes from people who also have it and seeing myself in them#and how isolated and crazy they felt pre-diagnosis is so!! like i truly feel so relieved even just having this diagnosis#even if the meds dont work and i have to try something else it's just !!!! oh my god !!!!
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Menelaus rambles a lot about not only Helen, but also Hermione. About how she used to say Olive like "Olifs". How she lost her first tooth running too fast and running into a low branch while out with Helen. How he'd sometimes wake up to Hermione leaning over him and poking his face to say, "Dad, can we go see the horses?" even though it was barely daylight. How she was much nicer waking Helen and how he thinks Hermione did that on purpose because she found "dad's face funny". How her favorite color was every color.
And Odysseus listens.
And he thinks about how his son only had a few teeth coming in when he left, teething on everything. How he could only say one syllable with his babbles. How his son needed balance to stand but Odysseus was so proud that Telemachus was very good at rolling over. How his son loved pulling at his and Penelope's hair.
How his son would be talking, walking, maybe even lost his first tooth by now. And he doesn't even know if he'll ever know his son's favorite color.
#Hi get sad with me :D#Odysseus and Menelaus are the Bros™ to me. I love them. Both simps who love their family despite being different in personalities#You cannot tell me they didn't talk about this and how this was painful for both of them :')#To make myself feel better. I like the thought of Athena kind of keeping him up to date :'D as he's her pet you know?#okay so this next bit ain't angst but imagine Hermione just coming in staring in the dark with the classic:#“Mom. Dad. I frew up🥺”#scaring the shit outta both her poor parents. Yeah I know she had nurses with her most likely but it's cute and fun!!!#I'm sorry but that's so fucking funny to me. I think every Parent has experienced that I'm pretty sure.#odysseus#menelaus#tagamemnon#greek mythology#this'll probably flop but oh well xD My homies can get sad with me >:)#odyssey#the odyssey#telemachus#hermione#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#helen of sparta#odypen#penelope of ithaca#penelope
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Lukas and Emilie irl meetup
#art#digital art#fanart#buttercatrho art#crosscode#crosscode fanart#blood tw#emilie crosscode#lukas crosscode#drawing over random posts scares me a bit but not enough to not do it apparently#ok lets take a break from drawing today i tell myself#i then proceed to draw
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Thinking about Akiren and his hometown…. I like to think/headcanon that he doesn’t hate it there. There is a strange sort of comfort being there at times, but it’s not really.. Home anymore. Same with his parents - my hc is that they’re pretty average (he goes through So Much shit all the time I think he deserves a Little bit of normalcy in his life lol). They’re nice and they care for him, but after living in Tokyo for a year and everything that happened that year, there’s this weird gap now.
Akiren went through so much in the span of that year and he changed a lot during that year. We obviously don’t know too much about pre-game Akiren, but it seems like he’s always had this strong conviction, but acted more reserved than he actually is, similar to how he keeps his head down when he’s put on probation. And then he does not only awaken to his persona and is able to rip of that mask both figuratively and literally, but he finds a place where he can truly start being himself. He finds people who also discover themselves and grow alongside him, and makes him stronger - and he finds people he truly belongs with. And despite all the shit they had to go through, it’s also some of the most fun he’s ever had and these people are so special to him and they understand him and he them and -
And then he has to go back home. And he knows they’re gonna miss each other, but also that he’ll see them again. And it is a little nice to be back, it’s peaceful for a change and at least he has Morgana with him. But it’s a bit too peaceful. There’s not the buzz of the city anymore, he’s not used to it being so quiet - he’s not used to having so few people around him anymore. The town is the same, his parents are the same, but he isn’t. And it feels weird cause nothing is necessarily wrong or bad there, he’s just so. Out of place. He’s a completely different person but no one in this town knows that. And so it’s really easy to slip back to how he’s always acted when he’s there. Because this isn’t where his real self is supposed to be.
Then summer rolls around, and he travels back to Tokyo and all his friends are there to welcome him and Morgana back and it finally feels like he can breathe again. Like he’s finally back where he belongs and he’s able to be his full honest self.
He’s home.
#oh man I hope this is coherent and made sense my thoughts abt this are very . they’re hard to put into words#I might have . self projected just a little bit. Idk I see a lot of myself in the whole Going to and living in a different town and being#changed and finding people there. and how weird it can feel coming home and being unable to act the same just cause. it doesn't feel right#and esp strikers reminds me so much of finally getting to meet friends in the summer and just getting to spend time with them for a while#I know I’m adding to a big pre-existing log of Akiren analyzises but . the phantom thieves and their relationship means a lot to me#and it’s been on my mind a lot lately so I HAD to get it out lol#persona 5#p5#persona 5 royal#persona 5 strikers#anyway . runs off#I like character analysis . i get so scareds abt posting it#talkies
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I still don't get the hate boner for Heimerdinger. Like I'm getting war flashbacks to a similar hate boner for Mona (P5) now. He ain't perfect and I may be a Viktor stan but come on now. He was ultimately right about a good amount of things. Just poor at communicating it and of course insensitive at times. And of course his ignorance of the problems around him.
By the way:
"Viktor should've obliterated/whatever other horrifying thing imaginable this little shit!!"
Bruh... A lot of you folks go on and on about how "uwu sweet innocent kind boy he is" but then flip the switch like that? I highly, highly doubt he would do anything like that in Arcane's canon. Hell, his League lines come off as more or less neutral or even respectful/civil at best.




And I also noticed some of you are willing to give some form of grace to other characters around him for acting similarly but Heimerdinger is the worst? Eh, I guess beggars can't be choosers. *shrug*
Now honestly, I kinda wish there was some closure or resolution with his relationship with Viktor and Jayce but that's really it. His arc was pretty solid and he's pretty likable. Kinda one of the more satisfying character arcs in the show tbh. But that's just me, I get not being a fan of him but jeebus a lot of folks tend to go too far with it.
#starchild rambles#ramblings#slight rant#heimerdinger#professor heimerdinger#league of legends#arcane league of legends#league of legends arcane#arcane#viktor#viktor league of legends#viktor arcane#viktor the machine herald#viktor herald of the arcane#idk once again the arcane fandom kinda scares me a bit#giving characters like mel and sky shit and then all these unhinged takes on heimerdinger#i feel like a good chunk of these viktor revenge fantasies towards him are just kinda projecting at this point#b/c a lot of them just feel too ooc for arcane Viktor#i get wanting him to be assertive and such but he already is and knows when to put his foot down sometimes#once again pacifist characters getting grossly given this kinda projection just makes feel a little sick sometimes#as a relative pacifist myself
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cw// implied character death, double life nonsense
because you are love itself.
#my art#trafficblr#double life#divorce quartet#<-- insane about how scott killed pearl in limlife.#this comic has been sitting unfinished in my files for a good month its def not finished to my usual quality but god it needed to be done#so uh scott... yeah. i like villain scott but not pure evil scott. i like a scott whos scared of being loved and manipulates others to spar#himself the pain. i like a scott who ditched pearl because their friendship was actually becoming real and when the server gods confirmed i#with DL he freaked out a bit and ran off.#ofc u can interpret this comic however u want but i was just thinking way too hard abt smajhor#i feel like often ppl get divided into scott did nothing wrong vs scott is pure evil alot of the time#which is understandable cus like i said with fanart/fic u only have so much space to show someones personality#but idk i like him all angsty. like i know im a bad person but to keep myself safe i need to keep being like this.#hes so blorbo *puts him in a blender*#i hate him *wraps him up in a blanket and takes him home*#cw implied death#cw implied violence#scott#pearl
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i am sadly one of those people who are super insicure of themselves after any social interaction, I go over and over again in my head and feel irrationally bad bc my brain tells me I was awkward, and probably came off as weird and so on. But you know what brain? I had the social interaction. I did it. I spoke out loud to people and had a conversation instead of freezing and feeling unable to talk. So fuck it if I came off as weird and awkward, I am weird and awkward and it's okay, because I did something that just a few years ago would have been even more of a struggle, and even earlier than that it would have been close to impossible.
#i have to keep reminding myself this thing over and over#brain we are not focusing on the way people percieve us we are focusing on the progress we have made through the years#today my brain is bullying me quite a bit over this thing bc i am stressed and i was at work all morning so i had to deal with people#but you know what? i did it and i did my job and i was much more comfortable doing things a few years ago scared me like#casually talking to people and dealing with money#and you know what? when i didn't know what to do or i wasn't sure i asked for help and it was all okay#and people coming into the shop are never rude if they see i have to ask for support to my mom or my brother bc i very casually work there#so i know basic stuff but not everything and that is fine#and if sometimes i need to use a calculator to sum up the prices of things it's okay#and if sometimes a regular knows the prices of what they have to pay already and i have to check it once or even twice it's okay#wow this turned out to be a longer rand than expected but i might need to reread this in the future#note to self#cris speaks
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not to step where i dont belong but why do i see shippers and saiki aroace truthers beefing all the time ... guys :( .. guys PLEASE .. WE CAN HAVE BOTH. I WANTS BOTH CAKES.
#as a saiki aroace truther myself its impossible to deny his relationship with Kokomi#like theres SOMETHING there#they are CLOSE#besties or dating guys its anyones guess#saiki to me is def aroace but that doesnt mean he isnt close with people. he loves his friends. sees them as family.#i just think his perception of romance is Different#this also goes for most other ships with him too#a lot of that stuff gets lost in our traditional views of romance tbh even though that complexity makes it so so interesting#idk i think his like. apathy. is so key to him#a core trait hes trained into himself thatll take time to break down. let himself be more emotional. in his own way.#i want that to be in my damn romance !!!#PLEASEE#anyways i lost the plot a little bit#guys we can have ships and aroace people !!#two cakes !! two cakes !!#will admit tho i havent finished the show yet cus ive been Scared. ik ill be devistated when i finish watching so im putting it off#for the record i am on season 2. in the middle of it#how he uses romance as a tool actually is kinda supporting this. he just doesnt view it as the same as others. THAT IS INTERESTING TO ME MA#I LOVE IT BRO#anyways snzzzz#saiki k#saiki no psi nan
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ame goes over to russia's house and he thinks it'd be funny to see for how long he can "obliviously" stay over before he gets kicked out. unfortunately the other person in this situation is russia who by the third day will have him washing dishes and taking the trash out
#it's worth it in ame's eyes because russia cooks good and the house is nice. he could get used to it. however the moment it stops being#funny and it starts being somewhat comfortable/domestic he gets scared and has to leave.#day 5 “oh it's 2pm we eat lunch around this time i wonder what he's maki- we?us? we eat lunch? routinely around this time? I NEED TO GO.”#“phew i almost wasn't doing it purely for the bit/to tweet about it thank god i caught myself”#slop#rusame
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since lowering the dose of and the frequency i take my meds i've developed a bad habit of ascribing any subtle change in my behaviour as being a result of this (mostly just out of paranoia because i'm worried about acting differently in a way i'm not aware or in control of).
but i just had a moment where i was looking at my most recent drawings and noticed it's like 90% connor butt jokes and thought, with genuine concern: oh no. med withdrawal is making me draw too much connor ass!!!
it certainly isn't. half of the shit i'm drawing are ideas i thought of years ago and took a shamefully long time to actually draw anyway. I just only gain self-awareness once those ideas can be perceived by others.
but damn. i can't believe i've been taking pills that stop you drawing connor ass for years! it's a sickness, and baby, i haven't put in my repeat prescription request.
#his ass is both funny and frightening ok???? im creatively driven by things that make me laugh and things that scare me#it's not lost on me how stupid and funny it is that drawing too much connor ass is something i have become self conscious about#as if drawing ass isn't something i strongly commend#but the audacity to feel self-conscious when actively choosing to draw the type of shit i draw#im an extremely anxious person with not enough self control to stop myself from drawing whatever my brain sharts out#and it's my weird over explainy and apologetic response to it that makes me contemptible and off-putting#also kind of unrelated but a little bit related. Iast night i dreamt that i was prescribed methylphenidate#but it was in the form of a huge raw jelly cube that took like an hour to eat
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I should be sleeping but I can't, I feel nervous tonight
But I'm gonna thank you for the birthday wishes, thanks a lot 🥺❤ I hope you guys have an amazing day as well ❤
#I'll vent in the tags a bit because it feels safer#to be honest with you i never thought i would get to 25#it feels so alien to me#never planned for future years#i always “joked” saying that i would never reach 25 and yet I'm still here#these past years have been hell#and the tough of actually ending it all is floating around in my head since 2019 ...#never acted on it because lucky I'm too scared#and despite everything I'm kinda glad i never acted upon it#even toh I'm tired and i feel empty inside#the little sparks of joy keeps me going#tomorrow I'll go out fr for the first time in MONTHS#I'm starting to develop a fear of going outside... I'm scared of people lol#but tomorrow will be fine#and I'll be fine even if it rains#sorry I'm just exposing myself here#idk it makes me feel better to just throw up my thoughts#better than just bottling up
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Hhhhhhh I don't know what is wrong with me this winter. Maybe it's the political situation, maybe it's still the new job and the PhD and the fact that I feel like I should finally have an overview and know what I'm doing ... But I'm just constantly tired and Not Motivated and dreading everything I have to do and feeling kind of lonely although I have been okay for years with this living situation before ...
#sorry just rambling#i think i just need to pull myself together and gain some momentum#as soon as i actually stat doing something i will be less scared#but instead i am like ... okay we are feeling kind of exhausted it's okay let's go home a bit earlier and have a fresh start tomorrow#and it never works#and always when i talk to one of my mentors or my supervisor i am very motivated afterwards but i just doesn’t keep#please i need spring i need some sunshine and a temperature above 0#and also i need friends who aren't just as exhausted so they can kick me in the butt#okay now i will put my phone away and write some emails#hhhhhhhh#personal thoughts
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