#scientifically impossible for this man to look sexy ever

[pyersiki]

idk what kind of requests you're looking for but.... james in maria's outfit? 😳

woah ... epic slay ...

[mesillusionssousecstasy]

Never I Have Ever: season 4 - Quotes

“- Damn. That’s messed up. But do you have any friends or someone you could talk to about this?” (The basket player - Episode 1)

“- And that’s when I realized love is a verb, not just a noun.” (The basket player - Episode 1)

“- Devi, this really is an elegant gift. And if I may, I am so pleased to see a young girl this day and age not dressed like a pinup poster in a prison cell.” (Teacher - Episode 1)

“- Devi felt like she was on a roll, and so she decided to do the mature thing and talk to Ben. Sometimes, when things don’t go your way, you can still be graceful and learn.” (Devi’s voice off - Episode 1)  “- But apparently, one pretty mediocre bang was all you wanted from me before you moved on to the next warm body. And when Devi was hurt, she did not always make smart choices. - I... I think this is escalating in a unnecessarily public way.” (Ben - Episode 1) “- Well, that’s probably because statistically men are more... (Devi) - Stop. I’m already offended by however you’re going to finish that sentence. Devi, you know it’s ok if you still have feelings for Ben. (Dr Ryan) - What? That’s what you got from this? (Devi) - I mean, what you two shared was something incredibly intimate, Devi, and then he abandoned you.” (Dr Ryan) - What is wrong with me? What would make Ben sleep with me and decide not to be with me? (Devi) - And I don’t mean that feminist woo-woo “every woman is beautiful” kind of thing. I mean real beauty. You’re extraordinary, Devi. (Dr Ryan) - I am? (Devi) - You are. Why else would I keep seeing you? Girl, you drive me crazy. Okay? Women always wanna take something out on another woman when most of the time it’s the man’s fault. (Dr Ryan) - Yeah, ‘cause it’s easier to be mad at women ‘cause we know what sneaks we are.” (Devi - Episode 1)

“- Uh, hey, uh, Margot? Do you have a second? (Devi) - Actually, no. I’m trying to avoid psychotic bitch energy as much as possible.” (Margot - Episode 1)

“- Hey, we’ve talked a lot about my dick lately. Can we move on? Look, I think we’re both just insecure and competitive, and we always manage to hurt each other. (Ben) - So Devi heard herself saying something she almost never said. I accept that.” (Devi - Episode 1)

“- Ms. Vishwakumar, you’re ten minutes late. (Ms. Warner) - I’m so sorry, Ms Warner. My car was recently a victim of automotive misogyny.” (Devi - Episode 2)

“- Well, now I heard you won’t be getting a Dr. Keyes rec. You know, after you, sent her to the hospital?” (Episode 2)

“- I mean, I get that he’s hot, but he’s also kind of degenerate. Yeah, and what about Trent? You can’t just give up on him. (Devi) - He doesn’t wanna be with me. He’s made that very clear. And as Dua Lipa said, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” (Eleonor - Episode 2)

“- He’s beautiful, he’s dangerous, and it feels like there’s always a wind hitting him somehow. (Eleonor) - It seems scientifically impossible, but I do see it. (Fabiola) - Well, El, as someone whose senior year has already gone tits up, I support it. Follow your bliss before some jealous slore steals it from you.” (Devi - Episode 2)

“- Yo, Ben. I hope you know you’re dating a straight-up psychopath. (Devi) - Well, wouldn’t be the first time”. (Ben - Episode 2)

“- Ben, I’m your girlfriend. You should know I’m not a criminal.” (Margot - Episode 2)

“- Let’s just say Margot is about to be Mar-gone.” (Devi - Episode 2)

“- Then I’ll beat you to death with this one. You can’t go around messing with something that belongs to someone else. (Devi) - So you’re kind of mean, huh? (Ethan) - No, I just believe in justice. Yeah. Well, whatever it is, I’ve never been yelled at like that before. (Ethan) - I find that hard to believe. (Devi) - It’s kind of hot. Yeah, when you were yelling at me, I was like...”Damn. Devi’s kind of sexy. (Ethan - Episode 2)

“- Bad girls don’t need books. (Ethan) - Okay, yeah, maybe I do like being bad. (Devi) - And the baddest part about you is that you’re betraying your friend. It’s so hot how you’re stabbing her in the back. He feelings are gonna be so hurt.” (Ethan - Episode 3)

“- Fab, I am on the rebound. So if I wanna fantasize about being a degenerate’s girlfriend, let me have it.” (Eleonor - Episode 3)

“- Picking up on a titch of melancholy.” (Episode 3)

“- So, Devi, why don’t you tell me how you can relate to a story about falsely accusing someone and almost ruining their life? (Episode 3)

“- I’m sorry. This is just how it has to be for now. (Ben) - She doesn’t have to be this threatened. She does know our sex was bad, right?” (Devi - Episode 3)

“- I’m not surprised he scammed us. His whole family’s a bunch of con artists. But like most hot guys, Ethan was blissfully unaware of the drama surrounding him, and he had no idea he was being avoided.” (Episode 3) 

“- You got dumped by a guy who loved you so much that he proposed to you after a meaningful relationship and tons of amazing sex.” (Devi - Episode 3)

“- Have you ever done this before ? (Ethan) - Once. But it didn’t got so great. (Devi) - Well, that’s because you didn’t have sex with me.” (Ethan - Episode 4)

“- Sometimes, certain people can cloud our judgment.  - Oh no, she does. She just thinks that Ethan’s bad for me. (Devi) - Oh, well, that’s true. - Yeah, he’s like an anchor pulling you down into the depths.” (Episode 4)

“- No, I’m only applying to acting conservatories. I’m not a liberal arts person. I’m a one-art person.” (Eleonor - Episode 4)

“- Ethan, thank you so much for this incredible sexual awakening, but I think I’m now having a moral awakening. I need to be with someone who knows right from wrong, and that doesn’t seem to be you.” (Devi - Episode 4)

“- I mean, she was much more perfect than you in high school. She made zero mistakes and had no fun.” (Ben - Episode 5)

“- Well, you put it out in the universe I wasn’t getting in, and then I didn’t. (Devi) - I was just... trying to manage your expectations.” (Nalini - Episode 6)

“- Anyway, I need to see what I can add to my résumé to make myself seem more desirable to them.” (Devi - Episode 6) “- Well, great. I am glad my suffering is bringing you such joy. (Devi) - Oh, kanna, I am so sorry. But this is really what I was trying to tell you. Sometimes things don’t go our way. (Nalini) - Mom, come on. I really don’t wanna listen to anything rational right now. You know what? Being deferred was already a stab in the heart. I didn’t also need to be stabbed in the back.” (Devi - Episode 6)

“- And I went from feeling like a winner to such a loser in seconds.” (Episode 6)

“- Hey, you gotta let it go, all right? This is not worth losing a good friend over.” (Episode 6)

“- I am so sorry that I made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me.” (Devi - Episode 6)

“- I hear you, but remember, getting deferred isn’t such a bad thing... (Dr Ryan) - Why do people keep saying that to me? Getting deferred is a bad thing. It means they’re not sure about me. They’re not sure I��m good enough. (Devi) - But do you think you’re good enough? (Dr Ryan) - Honestly, I don’t know anymore. I mean, right now I feel pretty mediocre. My own mother assumed I was gonna get rejected. (Devi) - Devi, if this Princeton dream has so much power over your self-worth, have you ever considered that maybe it’s not serving you? Devi, I’ve just lived longer than you have, and I know that sometimes, you can work incredibly hard for something, and things just don’t go your way, you know?” (Dr Ryan - Episode 6)

“- Listen, I wasn’t trying to jinx you. I was just trying to, I guess, protect you from that kind of disappointment. And you know what? Even when things don’t work out, they usually do work out. As long as you don’t give up.” (Nalini - Episode 6)

“- Oh! I don’t wanna sleep with your girlfriend, dude. That’s really not something you should be offering people.” (Episode 7)

“- Dude, you are fully clothed. (Devi) - Yeah, well, emotionally I’m hanging D.” (Trent - Episode 7)

“- Look, why are you setting a goal that you’re probably gonna fail at? It’s okay if I fail as long as I tried.” (Episode 7)

“- Because you came up to me out of nowhere and asked me to take your virginity as a complete stranger? (Paxton) - Okay, don’t make me sound like I’m nuts. You’re the one that said yes.” (Devi - Episode 7)

“- Maybe to let go of who you were and find out who you wanna be.” (Episode 7)

“- There are some vibes that are still alive and well.” (Paxton - Episode 7)

“- So don’t worry, we’ll still be roomies. Oh, and also prom dates. I was talking to Addison, and they’ll be out of town for prom, so I thought the three of us could go together. (Fabiola) - Yes! I love that. I mean, you two are the best relationship I’ve had in high school.” (Devi - Episode 8)

“- So, what’s the deal with you guys? Ah! A teen girl classic, pretending to not be interested in the person you’re interested in (McEnroe). He’s the one that said we should never be together because we’re both too insecure and competitive. And he’s right. He’s too mean, and I’m too crazy. Together, we’re just two otters trying to dunk each other.” (Devi - Episode 8) 

“- Change was in the air for the Vishwakumar clan. Scary as it was, Nalini was right. Change was good.” (McEnroe - Episode 8)

“- But in typical Devi fashion, had created too big of a mess to enjoy it.” (McEnroe - Episode 9)

“- Hi, Ms Warner. Wanna talk to me? (Ben) - Well, I never want to talk to you, young man.” (Ms Warner - Episode 9)

“- Yeah, that’s all true, but I wanna know why you are who you are.” (Episode 9)

“- God, why do I have to be a psycho all the time? (Devi) - I like your psycho side. It makes things interesting. (Ben) - Being rejected and wait-listed by everywhere you applied is, like, the definition of pathetic, so look, Devi, you are many things. A maniac, a liar, a heavy sweater, a reckless driver,.... (Ben)  - Hey, this is very hurtful. (Devi) - But you’re not a quitter. (Ben)  - I’d want someone to put me in like a medically-induced coma. Yeah, I would like that. (Devi) - But if you don’t try everything that you can, you’re gonna regret it.” (Ben - Episode 9)

“- You survived, baby. You’re a survivor. (Dr Ryan) - You really mean that? (Devi) - This little college thing, this is just a bump in the road compared to everything you’ve already overcome. You can do anything you put your mind to. (Dr Ryan) - Princeton was actually a dream he and I came up with together. I think I’ve so fiercely held on to Princeton so that I could keep holding on to him.” (Devi - Episode 9) 

“- Because I promise you, Devi, if you do not pack tonight, I’ll put you in that suitcase Mafia-style. (Nalini - Episode 10)

“- So it turns out we’re a pretty good team for two people who hate each other. (Ben)  - I don’t hate you. I just think you’re pretentious and unlikable.” (Devi - Episode 10)

“- Now, this is our last night together, so we have to grab this party by the balls and just squeeze every last drop of fun out of it.” (Devi - Episode 10)

[imdreaminadream]

The results pt 2 ~ “What about it makes you cringe?” Category 1

( - prologue.   - part 1  - category 2  - category 3)

Okay so this is the results to the question in the quiz, What about it makes you cringe. In reference to the questionnaires core subject about smut fanfics.

 Also quick psa there will be a part for the results for the other question -  “In kpop fics, Korean words i.e. jagiya, seem to be a no no, would you like to elaborate why?”

Now note these particular results are going to be split into 3 posts because I decided to split the results into 3 categories. 1 - Writing Aspects. 2 -  Personal Preferences. 3 - Genuine Problems.   

>THIS POST IS CATERGORY 1<

DISCLAIMER BELOW. (please read that before continuing)

This is going to be a long post. The responses were very enlightening but please don’t take this as an attack. Consider this more as constructive cheat sheet to good smut writing or just ignore it if you don’t agree with it. Some of this did get a bit deep appropriate trigger warnings will be put on the appropriate posts but I’m not sorry it got deep fics can also affect real life as much as we wish it were something that didn’t mix in with real life, it does. I’m no official like sex guru or big-time writer, or what ever BUT I did add little advice underneath each answer, which are just a reflection of the people’s answers. Again if you don’t like the sounds of this don’t take it personal and click off. 

Writing aspects.

Poorly written/typos – Nearly all of the people said that, poorly written, bad grammar and lots of typos made them cringe. Answers said that sometimes works are so poorly written it comes across as though the person writing doesn’t know how sex works. Now by poorly written they talked about, the plot being non sensical, choppy or lacking decent grammar, too many typos, using words in the wrong context, repetitive language. They also specified they understand not everyone’s first language is English but the least that can be done is proofreading of the works by them or someone else. And many people cried over the use of first person, they felt it brings them out of imagining the fic. 

Language used – So they we’re talking about strange words for body parts especially genitals, and just weird terms and phrases in general. Regarding body parts, everyone mentioned that childish or full-on scientific names for genitals was the worst. Feedback suggests calling it a dick, cock – although some commented that cock sounded too vulgar, and pussy. Also referring to female’s arousal as juices was a common answer, to quote one of my fav answers “so none of that her juices coated my fingers’ Like bitch it aint orange juice.” Then for weird terms and phrases, no specific example was given but I’m certain they meant things that literally every man and their dog would not say, ever! Personal opinion here but, “you like what you see?” and “Your wish is my command.”, and “tongues fighting for dominance.” should die off. It’s overused and I’m sick of seeing it – pretty sure no one says that during sex in real life anyway.

So, to avoid it alls you need to do is use second or third person, proofread, and learn how sex works if you don’t know. Also, best way to proofread it to leave it a few days then come back and read it again – also there are apps like Grammarly that help with your writing too. (PSA I personally love proofreading work, because I’m weird like that, so if you ever want me to proofread drop me a message/anon.)

So, take a moment to consider what you are writing, again proofreading is very helpful, and just stick to the mature ways to say dick/pussy. Suggestion here if you can’t write it the mature way, stop writing smut fics because clearly you’re either not mature enough or uncomfortable (to be) writing smut. 

Dialogue – Too much dialogue and not enough action cropped up a number of times. Also that the dialogue written is cringy essentially, Then there was too much dirty talk, and dirty talk that shouldn’t even be considered dirty talk which commented a lot in regards to dialogue. And although I think I wrote about this answer previously but weird words, exaggeration, and choppiness in the dialogue. (someone commented over use of buzzword but idk what buzzwords are.) May I also personally add that written fake stutters irritate the living day lights out of me just stop.

---- I actually did another questionnaire about this, it didn’t garner same amount as this one but it gained a good few responses. The answers should be available to see, if you want you can take a look at that to see more about people thoughts when it comes to dirty talk in fics. ----

Advice is, keep in mind when writing dirty talk what sounds good, to plausible, to terrible. Just think about what sounds realistic as well, draw on your own experiences or what you want to be said to you. Also, if you don’t find it sexy don’t write it for everyone else’s sake or to fit in with the trend, stay true to yourself but try to vary it up for each fic you write.

No build up – They talked about how some fics go straight to the dicking down, to action, with no build up or a bit of sensical plot, and it doesn’t work. Or if the characters haven’t even talked and suddenly, they’re down to fuck. They expressed it doesn’t make sense and doesn’t feel like the characters are even that interested, as though they’re fucking for the sake of fucking. This also ties in with some comments that said sometimes people fail to remember smut isn’t just about being railed, it is also about connections with people and making love so going straight to the fucking, fails to make the reader want to continue reading.

The solution to this is to reference history/tension or build up the tension between characters, or just set the scene a little bit before getting straight into it. Also remember no one is having sex without some foreplay and if they are it isn’t very good, so don’t let it be like that in your writing. 

Lack of realism/inaccuracies – Okay so this was mainly in regard to sex, the way the body works and some scenarios. To elaborate, people said that there are just some sex positions and places to have sex that just don’t work. In example one person wrote how sex in a gaming/office chair doesn’t work well and they know through personal experience. So, for the readers it’s just super unrealistic that it happens, and it leaves the reader either fixated on figuring out how that is possible or cringing because they know it’s not possible rather than reading the rest of the fic. There’re also just some ways the body doesn’t work I’m not going to go through examples there are so many, but we all know what is meant. Also, I’ll mention that kinks also were apart of the lack of realism, I’ll talk more about that in the next post.

So, based on this the only thing I can say is keep it real and keep it accurate as possible. Like we know its fiction but consider how ridiculous some of the stuff you’re writing may be, how impossible it is. Just don’t be afraid to google things – you can actually freeze and delete your search history – to double check or educate yourself about. Or ask for advice, draw from experience, or maybe try it out yourself with or without your partner then reflect that in your writing.

----------------------------------

END OF CATERGORY 1

(Feel free to discuss in comments, in my messages or send anons or anything like that if you want.)

Tag list

@nctsworld, @lauraneuuh, @jooniyah, @ceoofxiaojun, @lovemayble @hyucksie​ @myelle-n

- if anyone else wants to be tagged for the next parts let me know via anon or dm -

[clearlyshyobservation]

Kokichi is dying (V3 chatfic, no particular ship)

TW: Infers abuse, talks about ableism, neglect, panic attack pretty much, depression, self loathing. never being good enough

i am so sorry but vr au's need to be sad, love yall :)

(Background info: This is set in a vr au, they are not with their fake memory parents (Ie; kaito's kind grandparents) but rather why they really have)

(Also i have no fucking clue what ship i was going for???? pretty sure they are all on the table, and kokichi talks like an idiot in this and i love it. Gonta's writing is based off of his Japanese talking style, so no more caveman talking).

USERNAMES:

(Space monkey: Kaito, Detective pikachu: shuichi, Elton john: kaede, Antman: gonta, Mr. Gonstealyoman: korekiyo, Atua's bitch: angie, emoboi: ryoma, be-boop: kiibo, bread roll: Maki, cum dumpster: miu, mommy: kirumi, Gremlin: Kokichi)

TLDR: Chaos ensues, slight angst

Gremlin: omfg im fucking sicK im gonna fucking die i bet this was kaitos bitch ass fault for coughing on me with his tuberculosis headass gROSSSSS I HATE EVERYTHINGGG

Space Monkey: i-

Space monkey: I didn't get you sick dumbass,,,, my tb is fugckin cured bi-

Bread roll: he's dramatic and gross dont believe him

Gremlin: yall mean for what?

Gremlin: i have a life taking disease and yall laughing i- 

Gremlin: see you at my funeral bitch

Detective pikachu: What are you sick with then

Gremlin: anythong bitch, im the universe

Antman: He sounds delusional, thats not good

Detective pikachu: He's always delusional, he's Kokichi

Mr. gonstealyoman: I guess this name is better than my old one

Mr. gonstealyoman: thank you kokichi :) I am glad we have come to an understanding

Gremlin: kay sexy

Gremlin: IGNRE WHAT I JUST SENT

Gremlin: IGNORE IT IGNORE IT IGNORE ITTTTT

Antman: who was that for???

Gremlin: NO ONE,,, 

Gremlin: Okay,,, maybe sexy tall men in general lowkey

Gremlin: okay,,,, maybe anyone over 6 feet 

Detective pikachu: i feel excluded

Detective pikachu: good, i don't like you kokichi, your an ass

Gremlin: u sound jelly shumaiiiiii

be-boop: perhaps he is telling the truth, you know,

be-boop: according to my data, in chapter four Shuichi stated that you will never have friends, and no one will ever like you

Gremlin: SHUT THE FUCK UP STOP MAKING ME FEEL BADBSKVKHDVKDSKJV

Antman: do you need me to come over? I can make you tea?

mommy: Do you know how to do that, Gonta? I can teach you?

Antman: Gonta does know, thank you very much. 

Antman: Gonta is not a child, Tojo-chan, please don't regard me as one

Antman: Gonta can cook, can clean, can be gentle, and has his own mind

Space monkey: but we're just making sure man, cuz, you know,,,, chapter 4

Antman: I am capable of things just like you!!!!!

Antman: Gonta doesn't know why you guys treat me like a child :(

Gremlin: yeah, hot stuff over there is basically a prodigy homies

Antman: Gonta is dumb though, don't say that.

Antman: Gonta is no prodigy, in fact, he is below average in everything

Gremlin: Whats ur test scores bitch

Antman: Gonta got a 98 on my english test,, but i wanted a 100, which would make Gonta actually smart :( 

Antman: Gonta is not good enough to be friends with you all

Antman: I can do basic stuff like tojo said...

Antman: maybe i do need help?

Antman: im not sure anymore:((((

Gremlin: THEY ARE ABLEIST GONTA,,, THEY FEEL SUPERIOR FOR TREATING UUUUU LIKE A CHILD

Detective pikachu: You sound really delusional Kokichi, maybe you should get sleep

Gremlin: S T F U, IM SPITTING ST8 FACTS BITCH

Detective pikachu: Sure you are. Now get some rest. 

Gremlin: GRRRR WHY WONT YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU IDIOTS??

Bread roll: Cause your stupid and aggressive

Gremlin: your personality, basically?

Bread roll: shut up at least i have a boyfriend

Gremlin: Technically, you just stole my frienemy 

Gremlin: Yall do be avoiding each other doe

Space Monkey: WE ARE NOT

Gremlin: Yeah yeah

Gremlin: yesterday i saw you to enter the same cafe by accident, duck your heads, then sit across the cafe from each other, all while  avoiding eye contact

Gremlin: Soooo,,, things not going well in paradise?

Detective pikachu: you're nosy

Gremlin: says the literal detective 

Space monkey: everythings fine your just a dickkkk

Gremlin: "oooo! Im momo-chan, i say bad word and go brrrrr"

Space monkey: im going to fucking stab him 

Gremlin: You cant, ive already enslaved you with my chaotic, yet cute hijinks, havent i~

Space monkey: STOP STOP NO NOT THE SQUIGLY

Gremlin: is it the sex? WHY DONT YOU MAKE EYE CNOTACT WITH UR LADY NO MORE 

Space monkey: ITS NOT THE SEX I HATE YOU

Gremlin: im free by the way at 8 ;)

Bread roll: STOP trying to steal my boyfriend kokichi, ive told you this before

Bread roll: NO

Bread roll: BODY

Antman: Gonta interrupts to say, Gonta loves you kokichi, and we should get flowers together, than maybe we can prank some people :D 

Bread roll: Ive never wanted to stab you more, gonta

Gremlin: I'd enjoy that very much, fine fellow ;)

Gremlin: but idk,,,, can you like take care of me first, cuz IM SICK BECAUSE OF KAITO TUBERCULOSIS ASS

Space monkey: I DONT HAVE TB ANYMORE

Gremlin: SURE YOU DONT 

Space monkey: I DONT

Gremlin:  BUT GUESS WHAT

Gremlin: YOU STILL SMOKE DUMBASS AND THATS NOT GOOD FOR U OR YOUR TUBERCULOSIS

Detective pikachu: He smokes?

Atua's bitch: he does, i walked in on him in the bathroom lmao

Atua's bitch: he was scared shitless and threw it out the window, needless to say atua does nt approve

Gremlin: DO YOU EVEN HAVE THE VACCINE????

Space monkey: Uh,,, i was taught vaccines were bad, so no i don't have the vaccine

Gremlin: I HATE OLD PEOPLE

Gremlin: ABOLISH OLD PEOPLEEEE

Gremlin: THEY SPREAD MISINFORMATION AND IT PHISCALLY HURTS ME TO SEEEEEE

Space monkey: your dramatic, it cant be that bad

Gremlin: say that when you catch it again

Gremlin: i swear you coughed on me like,,,, 5 weeks ago tho

Antman: OOOO! Fun fact: Tuberculosis can lay dormant from 3 months to a few years! 

Space monkey: u guys are just trying to scare me

Bread roll: Just checked the chat after using the br and,,m YOUDONT HAVE YOU VACCINES???

Detective pikachu: Im sorry, but kaito, please,,,,, for the love of god get vaccines

Space monkey: alright alright, ill do it cuz you guys are all on my case and i don't like being the villain :(

Gremlin: Im so happy i have gonta with me rn, he is making me tea while yall rot in your distant ass relationship (THIS IS FOR YOU KAITO)

Space monkey: Im going to destroy your bloodline in about three seconds if you dont stfu right fucking now

Gremlin: Hhehe i have an inaprwopwiate joke uwu

emoboi: STOP PLEASE DEAR GOD

cum dumpster: wHAt Is iT YOU WHORE

Gremlin: i was gonna say wouldn't he need to like,,,, have sex with my family to weed out my bloodline or something??

cum dumpster: i-

cum dumpster: Why am i acting surprised, ive watched porn with more extravagant plots than this

cum dumpster: ie; are you guys FUCKING? RIGHT INFRONT OF MY SALAD??? is one i will cherish with my soul

emoboi: hehe why did she point out the salad

Space monkey: I hate u kokichi, i truly do

Gremlin: I bet if you got the chance u would kiss me space boy :P

Bread roll has left the chat

Space monkey: o god is she ddoing one of those bf loyalty tests or smthing???

Space monkey: now im nervous lmao

Gremlin: why you so nervous stupid~~~~

Gremlin: It not like ur cheating on her homie

Space monkey: It's just a placebo effect

Gremlin: My brain feels fried Momo-chan,, i don't understand big boy words right now

Space monkey: Basically, if you take a pill that doesn't do anything but you don't know that and believe it does, you will scientifically start to feel better

Gremlin: first and only time saying this, but thank you 

Space monkey: HEHEHEB YOU SAID THANK YOU YOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOU

Gremlin: Kaito,,, imma need you to do me a favor and look up on your ceiling

Space monkey: i hate you, idk what it is, but i hte you

Gremlin: good <3

Space monkey: HE REPLACED ALL MY THE STARS ON MY CELING WITH FUCKIBG DICKSSS

Space monkey: THIS IS THE LST FUCKING STRAW IM GONNA LOSE IT

Space monkey: IF MY GRANDPARENTS SEE THIS BULLSHIT THEY ARE GOING TO KILL ME, SLAP ME, MAYBE BREAK MY NECK AND DESTROY MEE

Space monkey: Im GENUINLEY panicing HOW TF am i gona get this off my wal???? They are going to bbat me senselpess help me shUichi

Detective pikachu: o god, i can sense the sheer pain and scaredness in  that tet, 

Detective pikachu: are you for real gong to get hurt or are you pulling a kokichi?

Space monkey: FUCKING HELP ME IM NOT FUCKING JOKINGKABKCB HELP THEY ARE NOT HOME RN THEY ARE LIKEE,,,, 40 MINUTES AWAY PLEASEE 

Gremlin: okay,,, maybe this wasn't the best prank.,,, i guess i'll help clean up cuz im not that much of a sociopath

Gremlin: tbh my parents can go shove it too lowkey terrible 0/10 

Space monkey: AHHHH IM SO SCARED PLS PSL GET HERE FAST

be-boop: Of course, i will come, i will survey the outside of the house

Antman: Gonta is coming too! We will get this done in under 40 minutes!

Space monkey: OKAY

Gremlin: Lowkey, if i cough on you ignore it bitch your the one who made me like this

Space monkey: W HA TDONT COUGH ON ME IM NOT SICK ANYMORE

Gremlin: I will give you TB again just cuz your making me suffer

Space monkey: Suffer what??? putting dicks on my FUCKING WALL???

Gremlin: Guilt, idiot, im feeling guilty. 

cum dumpster: oof thats new

emoboi: yeah i wasn't expecting it

Mr.gonstealyoman: Me neither. It is rather peculiar seeing it being texted by him because he is always feels not guilty of his bad actions.

be-boop: I do believe he means it, though...

emoboi: impossible.

cum dumpster: i agree, literally impossible.

Gremlin: I HAVE A FUCKIBG SOUL YOU CRazY CONSPIRACISTS

Antman: Quick question, shuichi can i stay with you again? It'll be dark when i get home and gonta can't do that so,,, please help

Detective pikachu: my parents are like blank slates, who eat slowly, watch tv slowly, and never look at me. Im sure they wouldn't mind :P

Antman: ALRIGHT! :D LETS GET MISSION: MR. MOMOTA ROOM REPAIR DONE!

Gremlin: ooo! I like the name! IM INNNN! 

Detective pikachu: On it!

be-boop: Ready for look out!

Space monkey: I love you guys :)

AN: Im lowkey sorry i ended this chaotic mess with angst,,,, but like fr i love it i love angst,, i hate reading it but love writing it

[glumpiglet]

Close Encounters of the Beej Kind (F!ReaderxBeetlejuice)

Uh hi everyone.. K This started as a request but then i took another look at it.. And it didn’t even do what was asked and I was like … i might just post this as a fic.. So here we are! Many apologies to that person, hopefully this could be a bit of a compensation and it WILL be answered I promise!

To anyone asking for a pt 2 to my ghost s/o I definitely have more to do with that one…we got a WEDDING TO PLAN MY DUDES….. Eventually..i'm trying to get these requests done (which are Always Open ;) ) and I want to do a second date to my Dew fic. I’m very a stop and go writer, I like to try and keep these to a 3-4k length...sometimes that can take me 2 days… sometimes 2 weeks. Lol you know the struggle. hope you enjoy this one. Stay lovely out there hotties.

Warning: Beej is a voyeuristic, thieving little trash boi and there’s some swearing… That’s all.

It started out an average day when you officially met Beetlejuice.

Moving into a new place alone was always so much work. The organizing, the packing, the stress. It would be ultimately worth it, you realized. This would be the first time you lived alone, no roommates, no family. You were a real, genuine adult now.

Laughable, you thought, as you shoveled the spoonful of cereal into your mouth before returning to your controller. There might still be unpacked boxes around you, but sometimes video games were just higher on the priorities list.

The whole ordeal was almost over with. What was left was pictures to hang up, you bought a bookshelf that needed to be built… Nothing crazy. Lucky enough there wasn’t too much of a headache. 

That came surprisingly after the move-in. 

It wasn’t something you voiced out loud, but you were sure the place was haunted.Believing in ghosts was a difficult subject for you. Having had… Things happen to you when you were a child, whispers of your name in the basement where your mom would do laundry. You had an argument once on New Years at a friends house because you were certain you were hearing someone in the house. 

Ghosts were like Religion or Big Foot to you: Not a firm believer but definitely had some ‘need more answers’ kind of person. The human mind was a confusing piece of machinery. It came up with all sorts of insanity.

Still, a list was started to be compiled of odd occurrences in the short time of living here. 

One day, you had been binging a couple Buzzfeed Unsolved episodes ironically enough when you should have sworn you could hear low-pitched laughing in your living room. Not from an adjacent apartment. Like it came from right beside you on the sofa. Pausing the video you listened for any more sounds. Complete silence greeted you and couldn’t tell what would have been creepier: if you had heard the laughing again or the quiet. Deciding to not finish the episode, you turned the t.v off and sat there in the quiet room for a long time 

There was an odd smell in your apartment. You didn’t notice it when viewing the place but every morning you woke up to a pungent, musky odor that almost made you think your neighbours were smoking weed or living in garbage. The smell came and went throughout the day, sometimes wafting over you so unexpectedly you swivel your head to see what was behind you. Nothing was ever there.

Things were disappearing. At first you thought it just got lost in the mix of moving. Some cheap jewelry. Old photos. A hairbrush. It wasn’t until your clothes just started disappearing that you became troubled. 

As you were for sure your panty drawer was being raided, you couldn’t figure out what the fuck was going on. You checked the dryer to see if you accidentally left any behind, you were a forgetful thing. It wasn’t impossible that your underwear had simply.. Disappeared. You tried to chalk the whole thing up to paranoia. You had been celebrating with the new apartment and was drinking a bit more than usual. 

Blame the alcohol. Blame yourself. Anything to not think about the possibility of an actual haunting.  

Not until a hot autumn night did you get any actual proof.

Sleeping nude has always been a thing for you. Your parents would scold you as a child for walking around naked. Leaving your windows wide open as you changed. They basically had to force you into pajamas. You didn’t want to be a nudist or anything, there was just something constricting about wearing clothes to bed. Pants were unbearable, anything with long sleeves suffocated you and god forbid if you ever wore socks. Even in Winters. 

Living alone meant you slept nude nightly, even had the insight to splurge on some silk sheets finally, it was literally the best sensation you had ever felt. It was still unbearably warm in September and you had not been wearing much clothing since you moved in. You were saving up money for an A/C unit but it would probably be snowing by then. Slipping between the cool covers, you sighed as you drifted as you usually did, that space between sleep and dreams where your brain was beginning to shut off….

In a split second, the desire to open your eyes overtook you. Hovering above you was a large, dark figure. Clear as day. No mistaking it for something else. 

Struck still with terror, the intruder didn’t see your wide, open eyes apparently, leaning down over your vulnerable body. In your restlessness, the sheets had been kicked off, leaving way too much exposed skin. Looking horrified, your skin began to break out in goosebumps, perking your nipples. The air to scream wasn’t finding you.

You heard a sound. Growling, like a dog. Vulgar, nasty sniffing noises were blowing from the beast, like the bellow of a forge. This was a nightmare, you clamped your eyes shut. If only you could pinch yourself… Striving to find the will to move your arms, fingers. Anything.

The shadow spoke. It was like gravel hitting the pavement. Striking and rough. 

“MMmm.. So sexy...”

That was it. His voice snapped something in you and you felt yourself come alive. Jumping up in bed, you had screamed in panic, stumbling to your light to reveal an empty room. 

In the terrified state that found you, pacing, in your robe, in your kitchen. Waay to wired now to return to bed. You had decided that night it was a dream, a type of sleep paralysis. No way in hell did your new apartment have a poltergeist.. Some demon?! No fucking way.

The idea of buying something: smudge the house, a ouija board, had crossed your mind. Before you realized what a terrible idea that was. If this was real, you weren’t communicating with it. 

You weren’t thinking about it. Not at all.  

Fate was funny, however. Destiny or kismet, whatever you want to call it. With every weird occurrence, it never occured to you that slowly but surely it was getting worse. 

Not one week after the whole night terror debacle, did you catch someone in your bedroom.

As you said, average day. Meaning you stayed out in the living room, trying to find the energy to be productive beyond sitting on the couch, playing. Glancing at the clock intermittently, watching as the morning shifted into afternoon. You sighed and put the controller down, compromising with yourself. 

Okay, get the boxes out of the closet. Put the shelve up and unpack three boxes then you could return. Sounded fair. 

Walking into the room, reaching the closet, you leaned your head in to find the boxes, and heard a bump. Thinking the sound was just coming from something you hit in the closet, you continued reaching further in… Clothes shuffling made you pause. Turning towards the sound of an impulse, you gasped aloud as you took notice of a man opening your dresser drawer.

“Holy Fucking Shit!”

The first thought in your mind was he was a burglar. Afterwards, you had to chuckle at the idea, he was definitely not dressed for a B&E; terror made funny things make sense.

Grabbing the first thing in your reach, the contents of your vanity. You began hurling them at the now stunned creature, hands up on his chest, eyes wide in surprise.  

“Get out, Get out!” Practically shrieking in the small bedroom, you backed up to the wall, trying to find the courage to escape. In your hysteria, you failed to notice something.

The items were flying right through him.

Adrenaline pounding through your body, making your head throb. He wasn’t doing anything, just standing there, confusing you through the panic.faintly you looked down and saw what he had in his grip. One of your shirts. 

You had broken out in a cold sweat. Feeling like you were going to be sick. 

“I’m serious guy, I’m gonna call the cops!” The booming voice you tried was being to sound more wilted, your heart was about to burst from your chest. Tentatively stepping a few more steps towards the door, brandishing the thing in your hand like a weapon, no matter it was just a mascara bottle. 

“Uh-....yo-...” He continued to blunder through a breath, like a match striking against sandpaper.

You didn’t notice him pocketing your clothing. You dropped the thing in your hand.

The voice... That deep, dark rasp. You had heard it before. In your living room… In your bedroom.

Great timing, you couldn’t catch your breath. Gasping for air you slid to the floor, clutching at the ground for some balance.

This was not happening. This couldn’t be happening.

Every ration, logical, scientific part of your brain screamed for solid facts. The Afterlife wasn't proven real. Death was unknown. This wasn’t a movie and he wasn’t Casper. This was NOT a ghost. This was a human being, totally alive, uninvited in your home. 

Watching with sight blurred around the edges, he was approaching you slowly. Clenching your eyes shut, you cowered in on yourself as you waited for the attack.. This was it, this was how it ended.. You could see the headlines now.

‘Local Girl Found Dead: No Witnesses. No Suspects.’

Family would never know what actually happened to you. Search for answers until they found this creature and the vicious cycle would continue. 

The stench got infinitely worse as he approached, and your eyes began to water with more than fear. 

“Hey, hey.. Breathe, breather.” 

His voice was calm… Forced but calm and you didn’t take the bait. He was just playing with his prey and soon would sink his fangs in.

“You can actually see me?” 

His voice was incredulous. A happy tone that made you look up, he was doing something odd. Not acting frightening in the least, not attacking. He was talking to himself. Angled away from you as he gave himself a pep-talk..What?

“Okay calm down… Play it cool….” 

His eyes met yours. He rearranged his features to appear to be.. Smoldering.. He looked to be trying for suave.   

“Heyyy.”

Not what you expected. In any other circumstance, you would have laughed. The air wasn’t found to make the sound. Instead you choke on your tongue. “..I-...Wh-”

That was all you could get out. It seemed his speechlessness had traveled through the room and now possessed you.  

There was a knock on your door. It was the sound that brought you back to reality. The normalcy of a knock meant you had to interact with a human. You raced towards the door, ready to cry out in panic.

Retching it open, your breath caught in your throat.

It was your attractive neighbor. You had talked to them a total of three times including the time the landlord introduced you. In your hyper aware state, you couldn’t even reach in your mind for their name.

“..Hi.” You said breathless, wondering how much of a mess you looked. Attempting to discreetly pat your hair down, the neighbor explained their hearing you screaming, wanting to make sure you were okay. 

On the tip of your tongue was ‘No, actually. There seems to be a poltergeist in my bedroom. Do you have the number of any good priests?’ But what came out of your mouth was surprisingly calm and normal. You were so sorry, you were playing and sometimes could get a little loud and competitive, you’ll try and keep it down.  

Feeling the back of your head prickle, it seemed now you had obtained the power to tell whenever it’s eyes were on you. Great. 

Seeing the ghost peeking from around the corner, not subtle at all in the ordinary background of your apartment, his contrite countenance almost making you smile. The words left your mouth before you could catch them.

“..Can you not see him?”

Your neighbours' confused silence answered. You took a deep breath, savouring this human interaction. Alrighty then. 

“Gotcha! Sorry, I get spooky around this time of year.” It wasn’t even October, six weeks until Halloween, but it seemed to do the trick. 

Sharing a laugh with the neighbor, you expressed your desire for them to enjoy their weekend, and bid them goodbye, promising to be quiet. Hoping they didn’t notice how fast you closed the door.

You turned back around to regard the ghost.

It.. Certainly didn’t look how you imagined it. 

He looked worse.. Dirty and disheveled in a striped suit, you tried to picture how he might have died and carefully watched as he shuffled forward. Wide, yellow ambers glittered at you.

“Listen.. I know we didn’t get off on the right foot, but… You can see me.”

“Yes.” You had to clear your throat, the voice that came out of you was dry and cracked.

“Stop saying that, please. Why can I see you?” He stepped closer to you, head tilting and you had the space to break free into your living room, walking backwards as he stalked you.

“Beats me, sweetheart. Breathers are usually so self centered they never notice the dead.” You plopped down on the sofa, processing that bit of information. So it was all real. Ghosts were among us. Unbelievable. 

He began to fiddle with the cuffs of his jacket, you almost wanted to ask him to sit down, the nervous energy you felt from him not helping with yours. What do you offer to a ghost for comfort? Smooth as always you blurted out the first thing.  

“So… You’ve been haunting me. You were-”

Sudden, potent anger flushed over your skin. It came together. Your underwear. That night. This pervert!

“Have you been watching me sleep?!” You felt yourself screech before trying to lower your voice, remember the promise to the neighbor. Shooting up from your seat, the ghost floundered under your glare, eyes flickering towards the ground, refusing to look at you.

Lowering your voice to a dangerous whisper, the anger was making you brave. You began to advance on this deviant spectre. Realizing you had the daily source of your misfortune in front of you fueling your fire. 

He had been around the whole time, through your daily routine like… He was your boyfriend or something. As uncomfortable as that was, maybe he couldn’t help that, but you drew the line at theft.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?! I don’t care, ghostly apparition or not, that’s just rude! Stealing my clothes?! What do you have to say?” 

“Woah-woah.. I-I’m sorry! I just… You’re so…Hey!”

Continuing your pursuit despite his stuttered protests, you found yourself standing up close. The closeness was pungent, but it was becoming kind of bearable as the minutes passed on… Up close he was.. 

Strangely handsome, your brain chimed in for you. Not the fucking time!

Arms crossed tight, you glowered at him. Unexplained, you waited for his answer. Obviously he wasn’t going to hurt you. This stupid, smelly, handsome ghost had had plenty of opportunity, you thought sourly. 

“Look, this really isn’t going the way I wanted it to. You’re the most interesting breather in this hellhole……. I’ve been stuck here for so long, but if-if you want.. I’ll stay away...”

Deciding to proceed with the first bit of what he said: going the way he wanted? You watched as he began to slump away. He was muttering to himself again.

“Probably go down and haunt Mrs. O’Reilly in 2B. Heard she got a new pacemaker...That could be fun”

Viewing the sad spectre slink away, the rage was strangely dissipating. Maybe it was the down tilted head, the kicked puppy expression, the idea of this dude with poor little Mrs.O’Reilly. Something made you call out. 

“Wait.”

He perked up almost comically, twirling back towards you, having to bite your lip to keep from smirking. Maybe this ghost wasn’t so bad, he was certainly interesting. Entertaining. Handsome. Shut up brain. Didn’t mean you forgave him yet. He was giving you every piece of clothing back. 

“Did I tell you to go away?”

“Yeah.. Earlier..” His fingers twitched together and now taking notice of how open and earnest his expression was, it was making you smile. Right, when you were freaking out. Could you be blamed? Now it seemed implausible you were ever scared of him.

“Okay, well that was then, this is now. Let’s start over, I’m (Y/N).” On reflex you held your arm out, and kept it there before you thought better of it. Why you were attempting to shake hands with a ghost was beyond you, but as this was of course the weirdest thing to ever happen, what else could be done that didn’t make sense? 

He, with rapt attention, reached forward and you watched in astonishment as his hand drifted slowly through yours. The sensation was an icy buzz shooting up your arm, tingling through your neck into your brain, even your scalp felt the jolt. You felt like you just been electrocuted. 

Both of you shivered at the contact. The air was filled with a growl and once again you were transported back to you in bed and him above you. For the first time.. You felt yourself throb in pleasure at the memory rather than fright. This was slowly becoming dangerous, you could feel it. 

“Ooo… That’s different.” 

Studying him as he glowed green, he began to lewdly run his hands down his chest...Down his thighs.. Your eyes snapped away, suddenly very interested in your own hand..Certainly different.

“I like it.”

“So…. Have you been here the whole time?” You asked, desperate to change the subject in a strangled voice, turning away so he couldn’t see your burning face. This was dangerous. Impossible. Not healthy. Deciding to let this ghost stick around perhaps wasn’t the best instinct.  

“I’m not sure you’re gonna like the answer to that, babes.”

Revolving around to ask him what he meant, you paused at him... Flushing pink. Definitely not. 

[codylabs]

My Top 10 Ships

I’m not a very romantic sort of guy, I’m not real forgiving to departures from canon, I get easily annoyed at inconsistencies, and I don’t watch much television and movies, so in order for me to ship something, it has to be a GOOD ship. I default toward rejecting ships, so to impress ME, it must be built on logic, and evidence, it’s gotta be something I can suspend my disbelief far enough to accept. And it’s gotta have story behind it, something deep, some hefty emotional weight; if it doesn’t tickle this man’s cold reptilian heart with strong beats and excellent writing, it goes straight to the trash. I absoLUTELY will not stand for any of these weird little cute, pretty, pandering, trashy crack ships that everybody seems to be clumsily throwing characters into. Most ships are trash ships. They are not good ships.

You think your ship is good? You like your ship?

You ship it?

No you don’t.

Get out of here.

You will listen to me. I will tell you. Look at me. I’m the Captain now.

Here are the 10 good ships.

10. The Rocinante, The Expanse

A resoundingly excellent ship. Unlike most ships you see out there, this thing was actually designed with realistic space combat in mind. It’s got 6 computer-controlled gatling turrets covering every angle, it accelerates in whatever direction it’s pointing, its bridge is right in the center to put as much armor as possible between enemies and crew, overall a much better-designed vehicle than most everything you see about.

That being said, I didn’t have much connection to this ship. Its crew weren’t really interesting, the aesthetic was kinda bleak, and I basically stopped watching after the phazon showed up. And the Rocinante itself has pretty poor redundancy. Enemy bullets can literally just pass through it (as is realistic for a ship this size) so how about multiple main engines huh? Absolutely tragic oversight. And its interior looks too much like an Apple product. How are you supposed to work on it? Where are the wires and pipes??? The handholds?????

9. Ares IV M.A.V., The Martian

Almost more of a symbol than a ship. A symbol of freedom, of escape. A beautiful symbol. This is what Mark Watney spends the whole movie trying to reach, with an entire world backing him up, and an entire world trying to stop him. It’s the goal of the movie, and it just looks so beautiful when he finally reaches it and sees it sitting there in the middle of the desert, ass down, nose up; a tall, proud symbol. This ship has a special significance for me because the author of the original book really did his research on the scientific requirements and details of a Mars Ascent Vehicle, and it was actually inspired by the E.R.V. in another book, ‘A Case For Mars’, which I read when I was younger. “Makes its own methane-oxygen fuel on-site by using nuclear power to break down CO2 in the atmosphere and combining it with stored hydrogen, don’t you know.” I say as I adjust my spectacles and puff my pipe.

The M.A.V. in the movie does have a few issues, such as hallway and rooms running straight up through where the fuel tanks ought to be (instead of a lift/ladder on the exterior) and a rugged, industrial aesthetic that looks too heavy and cumbersome for a ship of its type. (And you’re seriously telling me he couldn’t have used the capsule’s RCS to literally bypass the movie’s entire climax? WHY NOT? The book never mentioned him having to drain the monopropellant!!!) But I’ll let that slide. Great movie.

8. Biggest Boy, The Greatship

(I don’t know the ship name so I had to make up a name. You know what, I think it’s actually just called the Greatship.)

So it’s a starship the size of Jupiter, empty, unmanned, perfectly mysterious, that comes gliding into the galaxy a couple million years into humanity’s future. Where did it come from? Who made it and how? Good questions. It’s powered by matter-antimatter annihilation reactions from within planet-sized internal tanks, and its engines use hydrogen and fusion exhaust as reaction mass, and its hull is made of hyperfiber, a super-strong fictional material with a 4-dimensional lattice structure, able to weather impacts by spreading them out over various dimensions where the impact occurred in a different place.

I hope that after the first few entries, you didn’t get the impression that I am somehow against futuristic, far-out, impossible technologies. Quite the opposite! I love me some hyperdrive and anti-gravity and A.I. and stuff. However! Ships must be well-designed for the technology available, and must take no creative liberties except those explicitly allowed by the difference in the setting. The laws of physics don’t disappear when the magic crystals come out, the magic crystals are merely a different tool to combat them. Engineering will always exist, should start with the tools and work outward, form follows function. Star Wars ships, for instance, are trash because they don’t mount their repulsorlift arrays consistently, they’re not aerodynamic, and their engines aren’t aligned around their center of masses.

So I like the Great Ship. Although the story is pretty far-fetched, and a lot of crazy, out-there scifi events transpire deep in the ship’s depths, the book always strictly kept its own rules in mind, and never broke those rules, no matter how outlandishly crazy things got. Thanks for comprehending something so incomprehensible, Robert Reed. You inspired me miles in my own work.

7. The Ghost, The Sea Wolf

The story may be fiction, but the Ghost was as real as ghosts can be.

Jack London did his research. No, not research, he LIVED this. The Ghost is a seal-hunting schooner much like one that he served aboard during his rollercoaster of a life, and he captured every detail of its operation, of its requirements, of its mechanics, and of the incredible toll it took on the people that lived such a life. The boat is made to feel as oppressive and claustrophobic as a prison, as if it were an extension of the monster that commanded it, directly in contrast to the expansive beauty of the sea around them. My goodness, what a beautiful book. What a moving, interesting, challenging book, with such a story! This book is one of the climaxes of fiction, and one of the inspirations for Shifting Sands, if I remember correctly. I would recommend this book to anybody. Beautiful.

6. Ferbnessa, Phineas and Ferb

Okay, so I hope we can all agree that Vanessa is nothing but bad news. But that being said, Ferb knows exactly the relationship he wants, and by golly, he goes for it. Most male characters would stutter or get nervous or lose confidence around their crush, especially if that crush is about a hundred miles out of their league or if they already had another boyfriend, but Ferb? No. Not my man Ferb. He’s slighly too much of a legend to fall for such childish pitfalls. He doesn’t posture, he doesn’t creep or flirt or try to sabotage the other men in her life, he doesn’t even speak a word, he just maintains his blank expression, cranks his own already-inhuman levels of confidence and competence up through the roof to borderline olympian levels, and continues being himself. These rare moments of Ferbly passion are some of the few open windows we get into the grandiose machinations of his mysterious mind, and he uses it to bring out the best in Vanessa as well. And in the future episode, set years down the line, wouldn’t you know it, they’re a pair.

All joking aside though, this whole ship is basically comedy. It’s a super small part of the show, it’s only in like 5 episodes, it’s a running gag, it’s hilarious. It’s great. And it fits right into the tone and the feel of the show, because P&F’s entire world really is a comedy about going for it and living your dreams. So this is just the best thing ever. It’s been about a decade since then, and I still burst out laughing at how much of a pristine picture of ideal masculinity Ferb is. Become like Ferb, boys, and you will become men.

Legendary.

Eat your heart out, Dipper.

3. Shunk, Voltron

(I don’t know the ship name so I had to make up a name)

Huge props to the voltron team for making a female alien character (even a romantic interest) with NO BOOBS. Do you have ANY idea how sick and tired I am of artists throwing a big ol’ pair of balonkadongs onto lobsters and snakes when almost everything in the real world besides folks and cows have either 0 or 8+ of them? Everything’s gotta be traditionally sexy and recognizably-feminine and GREAT now you just canonized all the porn! Disgusteg

but now look at Shay. She’s a rock person. She’s got silicon-based biology, she probably weighs 500 lbs and bleeds sand. She’s got enormous hands and weird knees and no nose and lumps everywhere, AND YET STILL the show plays all the tropes 100% straight with her being a fair young maiden and a sweet princess. And it works because Hunk is just this great guy who’s exactly as sweet and caring, and he’s not the most attractive of the Paladins either, so he probably lives his life looking past appearances. He doesn’t care that she’s an alien rock, he cares about her as a person, and she obviously worships him right back. Even though Shay is shown in season 1 and then never again until season 7, Hunk still avoids alternative romantic entanglements, citing ‘a rock I know’, and it just adds to his persona as this infinitely loyal teddy bear. I tip my hat to this, the single ship I know that’s 0% sexy and 100% wholesome.

And Hunk is the best Paladin. He’s just the greatest. I revere him. I salute him as he walks past. This man among men. Look at this guy. I don’t even care about any of the other ships in Voltron (I mean, the Castle of Lions is okay, but it’s outriggers are kinda spindly) but Hunk and Shay deserve each other.

4. Wendip, Gravity Falls

So Dipper’s 12/13, and Wendy’s 15. That’s a pretty giant age difference. Maybe you fans have fooled yourselves into thinking it’s not, but it is. She knows it. He knows it. His sister knows it. Your mom knows it. So halfway through the show, when he finally got around to confessing his feelings to her, she told him no. Sure they’re still friends, sure they like each other, and sure they have a lot of chemistry and they still have a movie night every Friday, but at the end of the day, he’s a smelly little midget who has to go back to California at the end of the Summer, and she’s a older girl with approximately zero romantic feelings for him. So the notion that it could work out is pretty obvious to everyone, and especially to him, pretty much hopeless. And he really did handle it all pretty poorly and immaturely too, he objectified her and stalked her and simped up a storm and sabotaged her boyfriend, so perhaps he deserved what he got. Perhaps it’s better this way.

And yet.

And yet Wendy never really got a happy ending in the show. And Dipper never got a conclusive romance either. So after everything, it’s easy to think about it how he thinks about it, by wondering how things could have been, if everything were just so slightly different, if she’d said yes or if they united again. She wishes she could be younger, he wishes he could be older. She’s more dominant, he’s more recessive. She has a lot of serious issues in her life, and could really seriously use a driven, heroic, intelligent friend to help her out, give her purpose, and steer her right. And Lord knows he could use somebody with street smarts and actual muscles to have his back now and again. They complement each other perfectly. They make up for each others’ weaknesses. They’re everything they ever wanted from another, and if you do the math, their children would be actual literal supersoldiers.

Or at least that’s the way a lot of people see it. There’s been immeasurable mountains of fanfiction and fanart from people who are just so sad that in a show full of happy endings and dreams coming true and old regrets being resolved and children growing up, that one ending would never be happy, one dream would never come to pass, one regret would stick with you forever, one child would never grow up. Maybe if you extrapolate out the story they’d end up together? Or maybe they’d find other, better partners? Maybe romance isn’t all that important in the grand scheme of things, and this is the best ending there could have been? Perhaps, perhaps not. But in any case, there’s a lot of very rich storytelling potential for the untold journey before them, and for the paths that could have been.

Stop drawing fetish art of Wendy, you insufferable heathen actual donkeys.

3. Kataang, Avatar: The Last Airbender

Now HERE’S a serious relationship. Not just a romantic ship, (though it is that,) not just some cutesy, funny thing or some ship-war fodder, (though it is cute and funny and did spawn a ship-war,) not just a matter of certainty and destiny, (though it is certain and was destined,) this is a real, TANGIBLE relationship, that these characters built together over a solid year of on-screen adventuring and fighting. They’ve helped each other through trauma, they’ve been there for each other in their darkest moments, they learned martial-arts together, they’ve fought back-to back against grown men, they’ve worked front-to-front sawing through steel girders, they’ve saved each other’s lives, he once ACTUALLY DIED and she brought him BACK. They end up respecting each other, and valuing each other in the intimate way that only true friends do.

And they’re shown working through all their imperfections and mistakes too. Aang sometimes oversteps boundaries and says stupid stuff because he’s a kid, and Katara sometimes scolds him and controls him because she’s motherly and orderly, they get jealous of each other, but none of those things drive them apart, and they deal with them, and they conquer them, and they keep a very legitimate and multi-faceted friendship going, and that’s the key to it all. The fact that this friendship becomes romance is just proof that it was a friendship of quality.

I think people tend to overlook or forget this ship because the last few episodes of the show found them in a pretty dark place, needing to deal with matters of life and death and justice in very different ways, and unlike all their other issues, we don’t really get to see them reconciling these differences before the story ends, which kind of leaves a sour taste between them. And Katara goes on a couple missions with Zuko around the same time, so now half of all people want Zutara, when in actuality, Zutara is a trash ship, which is a true science fact.

2. Serenity, Firefly

Only reason this ship isn’t #1 is because it isn’t constructed using a proper aerospace philosophy; it’s made of bulky machinery and steel beams and chunky plates, it looks more like an ocean vessel from the inside, and is WAY too big for its 6-12 person crew and light cargo capacity. Plus it doesn’t have any room for fuel and its got no wheels on its landing legs and no downward-facing windows and its reactor is just too dang SMOL and its engines are attached too flimsily. This all wouldn’t be too much of an issue if they were going for a far-future aesthetic, but if you’re trying to do something grounded and semi-contemporary, you need to lose some weight girl, I’m sorry.

But by gosh does it make up for it in heart. The entire inside of this ship was mapped out and made on set, with so many homely little decorations and touches to make every room feel like the person who inhabits it, sterile professional blue for the doc’s medbay, warm happy red for Kaylee’s engine room, all-serious-business-but-also-plastic-dinos for Wash’s cockpit... It hit me hard when this baby it crashed in the movie, and it felt almost real when River pretended to mind-meld with it. This ship has more soul in one buffer panel than most shows have in the entire cast, enough to make it seem like its own character, even in a show crowded with charming characters. I love this ship intimately, even if I would have built it differently.

1. Colonial Vessel 46.18′\, Gravity Falls

(I don’t know the ship name so I had to make up a name)

You didn’t think I’d leave out this one, did you? After all the fanfiction I’ve written? This is basically my ship at this point. Anyway, enough about me; the vessel beneath Crash Site Omega really is the quintessential alien ship; its perfectly cliche flying-saucer design taps into all the audience’s pre-existing fanciful notions and imaginings and disbelief-suspension, meanwhile its presentation isn’t cliche or fanciful in the slightest. 

There’s not much to say about it from a technical standpoint, besides personal musings: it would need anti-gravity to stay airborne without thrusters, it would need a FTL drive to cross the distances it did, its drones would need to be made of some kind of semi-liquid to move like they do... But these sort of out-of-the-box, never-before-seen, world-expanding brain-knocks are exactly what makes this ship special. It’s an alien ship, built with technology unknown to people, forged from materials that people don’t possess, and inhabited by beings we will never meet. For all we know, this ship could be perfectly sound from an engineering standpoint, and no engineer in the audience could claim to prove it otherwise, because unlike something like the T.A.R.D.I.S., they never try and fail to explain it away with science buzzwords or canonize its details or show off some fancy glowy reactor. This ancient husk is left as a yawning pit in reason, and that’s beautiful.

Moreover, this ship is an amazingly powerful narrative tool, and a mind-blowing surprise to drop in as a setpiece during the show’s final episodes. This ship embodies everything that made the show’s mysteries special: the evidence presented so early and so consistently, the creativity in creature design, action, and worldbuilding, the yawning depths of unknowable lore, and most of all the burning, unquenched desire to know more... The imprint this ship made in the cliffs over the town has been hanging over the characters’ heads the entire series, and its hull was below their feet from day one, so when they finally revealed it, and explored it, it felt invigorating. Rewarding. This ship, and the glorious feelings and thoughts it represents, have inspired to no end, and haven’t ended yet.

Honorable mentions:

Westley and Buttercup, The Princess Bride

Ooooh man I tell you what, it was really hard trimming this down to 10 for the list, and this one just barely didn’t make the cut, and that mainly because I have a sweet spot for animation and for warrior women, and this sweetness ain’t animated, and this damsel is as distressed as they get. And they don’t have a whole lot of chemistry? I don’t know how to measure that, but I feel like there was a lot of friendship stated that was never shown? Is it sacrilege to say that about True Love? I guess I’ve never exactly had True Love, so what do I know?

The entire plot centers around his devotion to her, and her love for him, and the lengths they go to for one another. He studies fencing and wrestling and wits and tactics for years on a pirate ship as he tried to return to her, and she refused the advances and the offers of an actual prince for as long as she could, even though she thought him dead, and was ready to kill herself when she knew him to be alive and not to be hers. And just such excellent action and characters and humor and story in the entire book surrounding it. Possibly an even better movie, somehow. Happy happy happy happy. They don’t make movies like this no more, why is that? Sad.

Endurance, Interstellar

Actually a pretty realistic design, all considering. They nailed the aesthetic, and the cinematography, and the feel.

It does lose points though, firstly because the shuttlecraft require a booster stage to make it into orbit when leaving Earth, but for the rest of the movie, whenever they’re landing on planets with similar gravity and atmosphere, they can just fly away like it’s no big deal, which is a big inconsistency, both with real life, and more importantly with itself. And how did an under-equipped and struggling space program put this thing in orbit in the first place, anyway? And why don’t their ships land on their asses like proper rockets? And why not tell the crew members the full plan before leaving? See, it’s little things like that, little inconsistencies made for the sake of fitting with story beats and simplifying it for the audience’s sake, that sours this ship for me. I don’t mind creative liberties, but actual plot holes? This thing has a few plot holes, and plot holes are absolutely yucky. So although most of this ship is very yummy, the yucky parts make it all yucky.

Yucky.

Plus its heavy cargo shuttles are about the least-aerodynamic things imaginable, and that’s also yucky, and there’s porcelain tiles in the stasis bay, like what?

Couldashouldawoulda been yummy.

The Hermes, The Martian

This ship. This friggin’ ship.

A beautiful ship. A well-conceived ship. A mathematically sound and engineered ship. It had so many many good ideas behind it. So much math went into calculating its thrust and orbital dynamics for this movie, so much work went into making it fit a contemporary space aesthetic, the panels, the heat sinks, the tanks, so much PRESENTATION I could KISS IT HMWA, but taken as a whole, engineering-wise, the whole ship falls flat on its face, because it just doesn’t fit together. It doesn’t make sense. Look at all those countless modules along its length. What do they do? They don’t do anything! It’s a quarter mile long, and it’s built for only 6 people? It’s meant to carry a lander? Where does the lander dock? Why are the useful airlocks so far off the center of gravity? Why does it have a cockpit? Why is the forward airlock so looooong? Why is the entire ship so loooooong? Why is the ring spinning so slowly? It’s not hard math to figure out how fast it needs to spin! You’re telling me you did ORBITAL DYNAMICS but not the SINGLE physics 101 equation needed to figure out how fast the ring needs to spin??

Btw, let’s talk about that rotating section in the middle! Think about the rotating section! That rotating section means that the front and the back of the ship aren’t actually connected! There’s just a pair of ring-shaped slip-slidey bearings bridging the ship’s middle, slip-slidey bearings that electricity, computer signals, and water and air pipes can’t cross. Why did they design it that way?? In the book the entire ship spun, which makes so much more sense! Why does it have solar panels when it has a reactor canonically capable of 40 times their output? Why are the fuel tanks so small? Why is it always facing prograde even when canonically burning retrograde? Why? WHY? BLRRRRGGGGGRGGGRGGG

In Conclusion, Ships Are Neat

[vinylhazza]

A Helping Hand (E.D)

Summary: He wants her, she wants him, but neither are willing to make the first move...that is until y/n stumbles upon Ethan pleasuring himself and screaming her name, who's gonna be the first to break? 

Word Count: 10.1k

Warning: smut, some fluff 

Ethan knew she was watching, his beautiful best friend, tucked behind the doorframe so quiet and innocent, listening to his desperate throaty moans of her name roll so sweet off of his tongue and into the dim yellow light of his bedroom. His hand wrapped tight around his hard cock - jerking off hungrily, and of course she was already dripping through her swim bottoms, arousal threatening to run down her legs.

She's a shivering horny mess against the cool wooden frame. He was dead drunk on the thought of her body and thriving on the fact that she hadn't walked away yet. 

After a long hot day of watching his best friend y/n lounging in the pool in her tiny red bikini, long hair floating like a halo in the water, breasts somehow perkier than ever, nipples hard, water droplets sitting pretty against her golden tanned skin, he couldn't take it any longer. He continued to stare while her lips continued to wrap around a red straw even as she felt his burning sultry gaze, sucking up sweet peach tea that Grayson had made minutes prior to taking a dip into their pool. It was mind blowing how bad she got to Ethan. It was mind blowing how hard she got him with a simple glance. 

He'd seen her damn near naked so many times and they had effected him, yes, but not like today. Today was different. He had to have her even if he only let himself have her in his mind. He used to be able to control himself better, but he can feel his self control dwindling fast on days like today when she looked so good under the golden LA sunlight, water dripping off her angelic body. The very thought makes him throw his head back with a grunt, head hitting the mattress with force. 

They had gotten out of their pool after countless hours of stolen glances from both parties (Ethan's being more direct, hers being more shy and discrete). The sun had started to sink below the horizon - a mixture of blazing reds and oranges cast across their blushing cheeks making Grayson internally gag by the sexual tension floating around them: utterly impossible to ignore and very uncomfortable for the younger twin. 

Grayson had gotten used to seeing the teasing stares, tender yet longing touches, and wandering lust-filled eyes, but that didn't necessarily mean he enjoyed it. Today he settled for a subtle gesture - elbowing Ethan when he was caught staring at her stretched out body for too long. Grayson wasn't stupid. He knew that his twin and their best friend were bound to be together and bound to inevitably fuck. And the look on Ethan's face said it all. The fucking bikini only hid so much from his preying eyes. But the nudge was just enough to snap him out of his trance for about three seconds before he caught her rolling over to ensure she could get an even tan on both sides. He stared for a good 15 minutes more before she decided it was far too hot to remain in the direct sunlight. But then he saw the water running off of her sun kissed body, rising up from the pool by the stairs in a wet sexy mess, that had done it for him. Ethan had made up a lame excuse that he was tired and needed a nap, ignoring the dabbing of her towel across her body - avoiding all eye contact and walking briskly into the house and to his bedroom, leaving Grayson and y/n to do what they will until he was finished busting a load to the thought of the sinfully naughty things he would do to her if she'd let him. 

He had "forgotten" to close the door, far too desperate to get rid of him embarrassing situation to remember the simple task. But he was glad he didn't now. He enjoyed her preying eyes far too much to want to go back and fix his blessing in disguise. The universe had a funny way of making things happen. He's never wanted anyone as bad as he wants her and it both scares the shit out of him and excites him at the same time. To want someone so much he can't stop thinking about it is possibly the craziest thing he's ever gone through. Not just a want that's physical but emotional as well. It's a mental cycle he's not sure he wants out of. All he wants is clarity. Does she want him? does she not? Make a move? Keep it simple? Go all the way? Fuck her on the table? Fuck her in the shower? See if she opposes to him finger fucking her in the car for scientific purposes? It was all in the grey area. 

But it was also a line they were both afraid to cross. Being together was what y/n and Ethan were good at - as friends. But fuck did they both want more. More in more ways than one. They deserved more. Physical and emotional. They deserved to receive the love they both possessed for one another. They were too afraid to want each other in the way they longed for. Too afraid to cross the line. To afraid to let themselves have what they both deserved. It was almost torturous for the people they were around, acting like a couple but ignoring what stared them right in the face. 

So this was the explanation. The result of being denied her body for too long. If she was going to be a stubborn ass and look that damn good in that skimpy red bikini then he was going to scream her fucking name out while he fucked himself at the thought of her. 

He thought it would be less creepy if he searched up a porno of someone that simply looked like her instead of looking at a picture - needing a little shove in the right direction. He wouldn't be able to control himself if he looked at her pretty doe eyes anymore than he already had today. But as the video started playing, he simply closed his eyes and pictured her in his mind - her soft silky legs, her delicate arms, her tiny fragile hands, her round peachy ass, her long eyelashes, and those fucking plump lips he'd imagined around his cock more times than he would care to admit. He'd even dreamt about it, often times waking up to a bed full of cum from his hips grinding into the sheets for friction - dead convinced he had been sinking into her wet warmth the whole time. He'd always woken up disappointed. 

He imagined the way she said his name and grew confident that she would be begging him with the same fucked out tone he'd dreamt about for so long all while he dicked her down into his mattress, ass up, face down in the pillow, hand gripping into her wavy locks. He would absolutely ruin her. 

The moans started playing along with the flashing images he had in his head was enough to have him begging into the empty bedroom and it was driving him to pump faster faster faster, tightening his fist, pre-cum leaking from the tip of his reddened cock. The moans were drawn out and desperate, exactly how he thinks she would sound. He swiped it with his thumb, circling the swollen tip before slicking his tight fist back down - dreaming and fantasizing it was y/n's sweet pretty pussy. 

He almost felt bad, he really did - but that quickly slipped away when he started to remember how he noticed the hard clenching of her thighs when they would sit next to each other while watching a movie - y/n all cozied up in his big sweatshirt and leaning into his cozy turtleneck against his chest, him wearing it because he knows it's her favorite of hers - the smell of strawberry's and peach tea overtaking him, breathing deeply when his hand slowly moved higher up her thigh. Her hands were trembling, her thigh slipping tentatively over his lap, nearly grinding down onto his growing bulge, wanting more. They were sadly cut short when Grayson's loud snore cut through the air from the opposite end of the couch, ruining the moment. They never mentioned it again. 

There had been many nights of the same sexual tension between the two since she moved in from Jersey at their request: so much so even, that Grayson caught on and had started bitching at Ethan to shoot his shot with her (having heard from a wine drunk y/n that she felt the same). He always refused, convinced that although they had sexual tension, he wouldn't be worthy of her beautiful mind he's come to love. But her moving in had been a dream for him. It had given him a sense of hope. His best friend for so many years that he was desperately head over heels for was following him across the country to finally give herself the life she deserved away from her controlling parents...and maybe get the guy she deserved even if she didn't intend on it at first. 

Even if she did stay in the spare bedroom most of the time, she would often find herself curled into her best friend Ethan - snuggling herself into the warmth of his chest and listening to his rapid heartbeat that would make his cheeks flare with embarrassment when he looked down at her wide eyes gleaming back. It was unlike anything she's ever felt before...to be wrapped up into the man she loves and be completely uncertain of what it meant and if he felt it to. She'd always been in the dark. But they both would admit to anyone that asked that they both slept better the nights they were tangled together in his bed.  

Judging by what she is seeing before her and hearing right at this very moment - he does. All of her senses itched to walk into the room and slap his hands way to take control herself, knowing that all the built up sexual tension inside her for him would come out to play. She knew she could work him to a mind-blowing orgasm - even better than he's probably imagining in his mind at this moment. She closed her eyes and thought about how good she would suck his dick. How she would make it a point to keep squeezing his balls and slurping until he came at least three times. She thought about how proud she wanted to make him. She thought about being on top and bouncing down onto his massive cock. The urge to make him proud was almost euphoric for her, never really feeling it before. But fear was keeping her planted behind the doorframe, inching closer inside of the room just to hear and see him a little bit better. 

Her red swimsuit still clung to her body in a wet mess, now soaked with her arousal from hearing her best friend fuck himself while screaming her name. She had left her clean clothes in the bathroom before she had heard him, now thankful she had dropped them off. Her nipples were hard, the breeze drifting in the hallway from the AC in contrast to her wet bathing suit not making it any better for. 

He looked so good, laying back against the creamy white colored comforter; bare body glimmering in the soft yellow light of the lamp, large hand wrapped tightly around himself - ring gleaming on his finger, metal necklace resting against his chest, laptop open beside him playing a porno with a girl that looked suspiciously like her, his eyes closed, hair a dark mess atop his head, breathing heavy, fucking breathtaking. A smile makes its way onto her lips at the fact that he looked up someone that looked like her, but wished he had just looked at a picture of her instead. 

That's when she see's his eyes land on a picture of the two of them smiling on his computer desk, Ethan's arms swung around her shoulders, her lips softly pressing into his cheek, a ghost of a smile playing on her lips. She remembers this picture, and remembers even more the day he sat his on his desk, looking at it for far too long until he turned away to join her in his bed. It is a picture that meant the world to him, a snapshot of the true love-drunk smile on his face that seemed to pop up whenever she was around. He stares at the picture now, hand rubbing his shaft while he takes in her long hair and small smirk in the picture, trying to remember the feeling of her lips on his skin - only making his head dizzier. 

She thanks the gods that Grayson decided to go to the store for a last minute bbq run, on his dad shit once again, because she gets to see Ethan spread out and begging for her without any interruptions. It was a sight she never wanted to forget, watching him horny as ever. She knows the feeling, doing the same thing to herself on days that were too much to handle.  

His hand twists and works at himself hard, smacking against his balls and yelling her name into the air with a neck vein popping out. She rubbed her thighs together for friction, afraid if she kept watching she would drip down her legs and onto the floor. That would be embarrassing to clean up. It was all she would give herself right now, not sure if she wanted to go to far and have him catch her...but maybe she did want that. She's vocal, so there is no doubt in her mind she would make noise. 

"F-fuckkk y/n yes bounce on me like that...yes baby," he moans, looking down at the hand that works on him masterfully "tight pussy so good for me."

He makes sure that she can hear every word, every syllable and the way he says her name, wanting her to break and show him that she wants him just as much. This may be his moment, at least he's hoping it is. This may be the moment she breaks and shows his what she's always thinking in that beautiful brain of hers. 

His fist speeds up just as she snaps, reaching down hastily for the edge of her own swim bottoms, pushing a shaking hand underneath, being met with her own wetness. She slicks her fingers through her drenched folds, breathless already by hearing his moans and yells bouncing against her ears. She was almost ashamed of how wet she was over her bestfriend but she just couldn't resist. She stared into the bedroom still - glaring at him for playing with her head and body. She rests a hand against the doorframe - grip like a vice, her face falling against her forearm as she works herself, rubbing hard circles against her little clit wishing it was him. He starts to groan louder, wanting her to come in already before he breaks apart. 

And then he hears her whimper desperately from her hiding spot behind the wall that leads to the hallway and he decides she's not gonna break until he makes her. She's far too gone to notice the moans in the video pause, a pen drop silence falling over the house. This is what she assumed would happen, she just wasn't sure what exactly would happen if he did in fact catch her. 

She rubs harder, fingers working fast against her dripping core as she practically rides her own hand, hips bucking and grinding down - imagining herself bouncing and grinding on his dick was an image that made her heat up and accidentally whimper into the quiet of her hiding spot. If only she noticed that Ethan had gotten up from his spot on the bed to come and get her, done with the secretive shit and wanting to fuck her sexy ass into the sheets far too much to let her pleasure herself while spying on him - wanting to have her screaming his name so loud the entire city of LA would be able to hear. 

Little y/n didn't even know what was coming for her as she feels long fingers grab her wrist lightly, causing her head to shoot up and lust filled eyes fall on Ethan's hazel ones that looked at her so dark that she caught herself whimpering again. She tried wiggling her fingers to continue, so close to cumming from his desperate sounds and warm hand on her wrist that she couldn't possibly stop. She should have been embarrassed to have been caught, but she couldn't care less. She needed him. Right now even if he looked at her differently after. She actually loved being caught, knowing this might be the end of their little denial game. 

"Need help Princess?" he steps up behind her, hot chest pressing close against her back, dick pressing against her ass as he removes her hand to stop herself from coming undone before he was done with her. At this point, she didn't get the right to make herself cum- that was all his job now. 

His smirk was devilish behind her back, breath fanning over her neck in gentle puffs. She felt tiny, being pressed against the doorframe by his large body - never noticed how big he truly was until now. 

Her answer was simple, music to his ears. 

"P-please." 

That was all it took. 

Her chest was heaving, streams of tears were running down her scrunched up face with desperation. At the sound of her whimper Ethan's hand snakes down from her stomach and lower to cover her clothed stimulated clit, exactly where she needed him, slowly rubbing to drive her crazy. She forgets that this is her best friend and finally lets herself have what she wants, what she's always wanted. Ethan. Fuck the control she's always wanted to have. Fuck her worries about ruining the friendship. Although she hoped it wouldn't. She hoped for something more after this - prayed he wanted the same. But right now she wanted him to treat her like his personal little fuckdoll - let out all of that sexual frustration on her. 

"I got her sweetheart," he mutters once more, cute Jersey accent jumping out. She swallows the thick lump in her throat, not believing her luck that this is actually happening - something that's long overdue. Ethan is actually here, touching her where she wanted him most, whispering sweet sensual nothings into her ear. It was enough to force her to take a deep breath and calm herself, not wanting to rush the moment.

His dick rests long and heavy against her ass, twitching with every subtle movement she makes. She shakes by feeling the length against her skin, not surprised by his size by just seeing him jerking off in front of her - but still needy as ever. In a desperate move to feel him she rocks back, moaning loudly throughout the dark empty hallway.  

"Ethan please I need more I need more!" she moans out desperately, delicate hand against his wrist while he works her faster, rubbing and pinching her clit in between two of his skilled fingers. He works her in figure eights, wanting to laugh at how she jumps. One hand clings to her bare waist while he rubs her pussy fast - her wetness making his cock twitch against her ass once more. How easy it would be to slick himself down and sink into her, but he's holding himself back - wanting to taste her first. 

"Think you can just watch me and not help me huh? Think you're gonna fuck yourself while watching me and not put yourself to work on this dick? Fuck you're so in for it" he laughs menacingly, chin in the crook of her neck to suck a lovebite into the skin boldly. He knew what he was doing and he wasn't afraid to show her what he thinks about day in and day out. He rocks against her for some kind of relief. 

"Hearing me moan for you must have gotten you this drenched right mama?" he urges on, twisting her around in his hands only to snake his fingers under her small swim bottoms, yanking them down her velvety legs to pool on the cold wooden floor. "Wanna see your face baby." 

Her head is nodding all while his mind was reeling on the turn of events. the girl he had dreamed about for as long as he can remember was touching herself while watching him, now finally under his very own fingers desperate for him. It was enough for him to groan against the side of her neck, holding her closer. 

His fingers work against her still, touching her bare pussy - he takes in her features: scrunched up nose, parted lips, the ones he's fantasized about kissing since he began to understand the appeal of girls, wavy hair, eyelashes fluttering against her heated cheekbones, hand clutching his straining wrist. She's thinking about the hand touching her and whines when she notices it's the same one that was tugging at his length moments prior. 

His hesitation only lasted for a moment until he finally pressed his lips against hers. It was delicate in spite of the dirty actions he was committing, moving slow and patiently, not wanting to overwhelm her even if that was long completed. She sinks into him, blown away by the softness of the lips she's longed for for so long, feeling something more in the kiss. the passion took their breath away, his wrist coming to a stop to focus on her lips. The kiss deepened into a hot heavy mess of tongue and a fight for dominance. It wasn't their first kiss - it was their second. Their first had been in a moment of weakness in the Jeep, his hand had been resting on her thigh the whole night and she couldn't take it anymore, shocking him with a surprisingly passionate kiss. What was really the shock was the fact that he'd kissed her back just as hard, hand coming to rest on the back of her head to keep her there. She's wanted a repeat since that night. 

A little noise comes from her throat when he removes his hand from her wet core, taking his lips away from hers for a split second to fumble with the tie at the back of her swim top - tugging the flimsy red string between his fingers. It finds its resting place on the floor along with her long forgotten swim bottoms, a red puddle to worry about later. 

With one final heated kiss against her soft lips he lifts her body with a squeak so her legs rest on his broad shoulders, shaky thighs wrapped around his head while he grins up at her sinfully, ready to fucking destroy her little cunt with his mouth. She's mistaken if she thinks he's not going all the way, putting all the cards on the table. That includes his little secret kink. 

"Who got you this wet?" he demands, licking his lips - staring at her dripping center that begs for him to destroy it. That's exactly what he intends to do. He intends to make her remember what is waiting for her if she'll have him. He intends to make her admit she wants him - more than just this one night - but always like he does her. He intends to make her what he wants. 

"Y-you did E," she stutters out through her tears of pleasure, desperate for him to touch her again in any way. She's been waiting so long for this, she just wants it to happen in case it's a dream and she wakes up. Her hips jive upwards towards his face, needing friction and hoping her answer was enough for him to give it to her. 

"No," he kisses her thigh with a hiss, causing a shiver to run down her back all the way to her toes, "who got you this fucking wet baby?" 

her heart hammers in her chest as a lightbulb goes off, pumping faster than it ever has. She finally knows what he means. Fuck he's a sexy mess. Her sexy mess. She is surprised by her own possessive thought.

"You did D-Daddy," she whispers, knowing what he wants to hear and shuddering as she says it - loving the word rolling off her tongue more than she should. She's never called anyone that name, but it fits him so well in her mind. Her eyes are hooded, looking down at him right as he blows a gust of cool air against her pussy, licking a hard stripe right up her middle and tucking the tip of his wet tongue into her tight little fuckhole. 

"That's right mama I did, now tell Daddy how good he's doing, tell me if I'm doin it right," he mumbles into her, giving her smooth ass a rough smack, the clap reverberating off of the walls, causing her to jump against his slick lips. Her tiny hands tug on his fluffy strands of hair to grind her cunt into his face harder, reveling in the control she has even if it's for a moment. Although he's holding her in the air, she feels almost powerful swiveling her hips against his face and forcing him to keep tongue fucking her. 

His tongue is fucking into her cunt at a rapid pace. He brings an arm up to reach around her silky thigh to rest his thumb flat against her throbbing clit to rub roughly against the nub in figure eight motions.  

"Feels so good Daddy keep-keep doing that please," she praises her man, the warmth of his thumb against her clit has her legs twitching and head rolling back against the wood. 

"Please and what baby?" he grins, taking his tongue out of her hole to raise an eyebrow at her, "use your manners kitten." 

"Thank you..." with a nod he's back licking into her, his cupid's bow wet with her juices and lips warm against her. 

He moaned once more at the sight of her rapidly moving chest, and suddenly he felt arrogant that he finally had her here under his very own mouth calling him Daddy and begging for him. He had begun to think she liked Grayson for a while - they always spent so much time together when he would get a bit distant from her, noticing he was being noticeably loving and worrying he would scare her,  but he couldn't have been more wrong. 

He wanted to show her what he was really made of. His cocky nature comes flying out of him, the one every teases him about. He dug his nails into her thighs, crescent shaped marks appearing in her milky skin and hands flying out of his hair to cover her open mouth when his tongue comes up to flatten against her clit once more, slurping up the addicting taste against his tongue. The look she gave him drove him wild, precum dripping from his tip at the desperation in her eyes. he returned her look with a lustful darkness. 

When he dipped his tongue back into her, her core squeezed and pulsed  around his tongue, her legs threatened to close around his head from the sensation of his tongue darting in and out - occasionally slipping out to lick from her asshole and back up. He laughed into her and tsk'd her for a moment before yanking her legs back open to dive in deeper, drowning in her wetness. Finally, he stuck a finger in - only about knuckle deep when she rolled her head back against the doorframe again, so overwhelmed with pleasure and he's just begun. He chuckled at her flustered reaction and moved up to place a quick kiss against her clit. 

"y/n," he whispered against her skin "look at me." 

"Can't," she whimpered, afraid if she looked down at him she'd cum on the spot. She wanted it to last forever, so caught up in him. But she had to admit, she would like to see him staring up at her just so she could have the image stored in her mind forever. 

"Baby look at me," his tone is stern, letting her know she wouldn't like the orgasm denial he was sure to give her if she continued to ignore him. She lowered her head and peaked at him below her, finger buried deep inside her core, just then he decides to add another long digit - curling upwards right to her g-spot when he sees her pretty eyes looking at him. She grins at his tinted cheeks, rose colored lips, puckered and swollen from sucking at her.

  "D-Daddy you look-look so..." she's breathlessly praising him. 

"Look so what mama? Hold my hair, hold it back for Daddy," he grunts. 

She drops her hands from her lips once again to to run her fingers through his curled fringe, swallowing when she sees his eyes close in relief. Adoring hands against his scalp, she couldn't be more whipped. Her nails scratch lightly against his scalp, making him suck and finger her even harder. He then noticed that she was a load moaner, not the annoying kind that desired attention much like a pornstar, but her pants and whimpered were loud and sang against his eardrums. Music to his ears. 

"So pretty E-fuck keep doing that-harder pleaseeee," she pants through her parted lips. 

He pushed his fingers in and out of her, waving them inside of her to push them against her upper wall. The pads of his fingers tickled her sensitive spot in a way that had her immediately whine- the moan that it turned into made his head dizzy. He was thriving off of the strength he felt holding her up against the doorframe and finger fucking her like this- she might think she has control, but he is going to prove her wrong. He sped up, shaking his tongue against her swollen clit. 

"Oh shit," she whispered into the dark chilly hallway, not believe how skilled he was at this. He hummed against her pussy, pulling her closer by her thighs, squeezing slightly in appreciation of her praising. 

She felt that familiar feeling in her stomach, warm and wild, twisting and turning as is headed down to her aching core. He felt her seize up and relax, repeated after a few seconds and new she was close. 

"Cum for me baby, cum all over my fingers," his voice was raspy. 

That's when she felt it, falling and flying all at once, body alight with heat. This time was different, something much more than her regular highs. Her body was shaking under his hands, bucking hips, thighs quivering, hands yanking harder on his hair and she let go all over his fingers and face - slightly squirting - the wetness dripping down his wrist. She didn't know she could achieve such a thing, admiring Ethan even further for brining her to that point. 

He waited until her eyes fluttered back open to remove his fingers and suck them clean - groaning at the taste of her. 

"You taste good," he groans, popping the digits from his mouth. 

He lowered her to her feet, legs a bit shaky from the intense orgasm she just had. Their eyes stayed locked on one another, faces close, lips ghosting, smirking at each other, ready for more. His thumb rises to glide across her lips, tracing the outline with a slow finger. His tongue darts from his own lips to wet them, staring her down. 

"You have no idea how long I've thought about these lips," he admits with a soft voice, floating on cloud 9. A sweet innocent smile spread across her lips before she hooked a finger in the chain around his neck to bring his lips down to meet her own, tasting her arousal, "how much I've thought about them wrapped around my dick," he mutters against her skin. 

His words set something off in her - the urge to make him proud even stronger now. She didn't want him thinking she was someone he had to go easy on. She wanted him to know she wouldn't break and she could be just as wild. she wanted to make him see she could make him feel just as good.

With that thought and an evil grin she pushed his chest backward, breaking away from his lips, and grabbed his hand, yanking him into the dimly lit bedroom from the hallway. He was dumbstruck by her sudden movement, excited to see what she had in store. She had a look on her face he'd seen many times before; determination. Excitement coursed through his veins. 

He was dragged over to the bed in a stunned state and shoved roughly onto the mattress, his back making contact with a thud only to stare up at an awaiting y/n that didn't give him a second glance before dropping to her knees in front of him, hard stare on his awaiting girth. He runs a quick hand through his hair, dizzy with actually seeing her kneeling before him after all his time dreaming about it. When she batted her pretty long eyelashes up at him he rolled his eyes with a gentle "shit", anticipating her lips around him more than he'd care to admit. They were red and swollen from their kissing, he could only imagine what they must look like wrapped around him. A giggle erupted from her at the mind-blowing sight and she proceeded to grab lightly at the base of his shaft and stroked slowly, torturing him a little more. 

With a low groan from his throat she sped up to a fast tug and pull, leaning in to swirl her tongue around his pink tip, kissing up and down the side and back up, working around her slicked hand that pumps him with purpose. He jumps in shock at the feeling of her tongue gliding across his slit. He had to admit, his hand wouldn't never be able to top this. 

"Gonna make you so proud" she muttered lowly, not meaning to say it aloud to him but the determination too strong not to. She wanted him to brace himself because even if she's only given head a few times in the past, this means more to her than ever. This is the first time she's giving head to someone she loves, and this tops the chart any day. 

"You already fucking do oh my God-" he's cut short when her mouth envelopes him whole, sinking lower and lower on him until she has his entirety in her mouth, her chin is pressed right against his balls. She gagged a bit, throat squeezing slightly to make him buck up surprised. His eyebrows scrunched down into an endearing pout that happened to be her favorite sight, lip between his teeth, totally under her finger. With this she slips her mouth back up, tongue wiggling back and forth all the way up, bringing out tongue tricks to really get him going. She's folding it at unfolding on the way down, curling it around him, kissing messy on the vein on the underside of him. 

A hand flies up to rest within her hair, clenching with a gentle force, letting her know to keep going, keep taking him all like a good girl. And a good girl she is. So that's exactly what she did, only faster, hallowing her cheeks more and more. Her eyes were tearing up, a tear or two slipping out of the corner of her eye to wet her cheeks, his dick twitching knowing that she is trying so hard for him. 

"I knew you would deepthroat like a pro, just how I imag-ahhhh" he's pushing his hips up into her mouth, face fucking her to make her gag more, already addicted to the feeling of her throat tightly closing around him every time his tip rubbed the back, gagging time and time again. 

"Mhmmm," she hummed around him, knowing she's getting to him but wanting to be in control while she still can. Her hands slap hard against his thighs, slamming them back down into the mattress to assert whatever type of dominance she had in this moment. 

"You like being in control babydoll?" he taps her cheek, wiping a tear off and grinning down at her. 

"Love it Daddy," she admits to him when she comes up for air, lightheaded from lack of oxygen. She stares him down while she slicks her tongue across his slit, making him jump in her mouth once more. She knows that drives him nuts.

  "B-Baby stop looking at me l-like that," he cries out, tightening his fist in her hair, worried that he won't get to finish inside her if she keeps going. He tugs at her hair, trying to get her to stop bopping on him. But she doesn't stop, in fact, she just keeps sucking harder and faster, bopping her head up down all the way to the hilt and back up. She even goes as far and reaching a hand down to roll his balls within her hands, dropping down and sucking them into her mouth one after the other - hand taking over pumping him until her lips return and he is deep within her throat once again. She wants him to finish, knowing that she is going to get what she wants either way. 

"Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck y/n stop stop I'm gonna cum" he's cut off by his own scream, fist gripping the comforter beside him, head thrown back, neck vein prominent, teeth bared, eyes rolled back, rocking into her mouth through his orgasm. Hot spurts spill into her mouth against her tongue, and she makes sure to swallow it all, licking him up and down to make sure she gets it all. She notices that his cum is sweeter than any she's ever tasted, the thought alone making her smile up at him while licking her lips clean of him. 

"Mmm you taste good E," it's a quiet statement into the dimly lit room, almost inaudible. 

He's a panting wreck, mind racing, the thought of her refusing to stop and sucking him dry almost pissed him off. He glares at her, tugging her hair so hard she shoots up to his face with a surprised gasp, hovering right over his lips, hand keeping her steady against his abs. 

"Think you can pull off a stunt like that? Ride daddy now. Show me what you can do," he mutters, every time he says a word his lips graze hers, goosebumps raising prominent against her soft skin. He knows he's in control no matter if she's on top, she might feel like a badass now, but has no idea who she's messing with. This is someone that's lusted after her for years - praying one day she'll see him and give in and he would have her right where he does right now. He's not taking it easy. He's going to fuck the shit out of her until she sees stars. She's frozen, liking the pulling he's doing on her hair so much so that she doesn't even register what he said. Usually it pisses her off when someone pulls on her hair, the pain making her angry. But it's a complete 180 when it comes to Ethan Dolan - she thrives from the tugging he's doing, his fingers gently massaging as he does so. He pulls her down for a hard kiss, sloppy and dirty, tongues rolling against each other. It's passionate but he makes it a point to tell her something within their kiss, something he wants to admit, makes it feel like he's admitting a secret between their lips. 

"Did I fucking stutter?" he's growling when they pull apart, still keeping her close to him until he grabs her waist, hauling her up so her legs rest on either side of his hips, pussy hovering right over his already rock hard length. Once isn't enough. She's putting both hands on his stomach for leverage, one right over the tattoo on his side, drenched from his rough actions and demanding tone. She's shaking her head, letting him know she heard him and understands what he wants. Her palms are warm as can be, feathery touches hot on his skin. He's always loved how gentle she is with everything she does, innocent as can be. A sinful angel. 

She took a moment to drink him in before she got started: all his smooth sun-kissed skin on display with his cock resting perfectly against his navel line. His slight happy trail stretched down, baby hairs tickling her fingers. 

She finally took him in her hand, teasing her body down only for her to slick his head up and down her cunt, slipping him in her folds and rolling her hips along his length, just rubbing lightly to tease and drive him wild. With a stern look from her horny man she decided to be nice - but not before she saw pre-cum drip from his dip and down onto his stomach, his eyes wide when she spread her lips up him, her warm tongue suckling up all that he let out. She hums at the taste on her taste buds, licking her lips soon after. 

He's trained on her face, almost uncertain where to look when she took his hand in hers and stuck two of his fingers into her mouth to have something to suck on. She makes sure she achieved her goal, staring at him with dark eyes, whining around his fingers as she continued to flick her hips back and forth to rub herself on his dick. She's teasing her hole before continuing again. She's a bit sensitive from how good he ate her out only moments before, but excited to feel him and all of his glory up inside her. It had him tumbling out words before thinking. 

"You're beautiful angel," the way he says it makes her heart flutter, butterflies erupting deep in her tummy. It was a sentence that sounded to endearing, so loving coming from his mouth, a look of awe cast over his features. Almost as if he couldn't believe his eyes. And in a way, he couldn't. All it did was make her crave his cock more.

He sits up on his elbows when she squeezes him her hand, circling his tip at her opening. His tongue darts out to wet his lip while staring her down. It distracted her for a split second - she leans down to press her lips against his and swivels her hips down after a long pause. He exhaled hard against her lips, relishing in her tight pussy sinking lower on him second by second. It's a feeling he won't forget.

"Daddy," she whines when she sits all the way down against him to bottom out, "fuck you feel so good...so big," only boosting his ego further. He was getting a big head faster than he could imagine.

"That's right baby keep bouncing on me keep going," he urges her on, wanting to pick up the pace but being patient. Patience has always been key with y/n, he's never rushed her - that's something she's always loved about him. He drags his lips up her slacked jaw to her ear, saying the words quietly when she began to dip and rock on him, "so tight and wet for me aren't ya?" 

"Only for you," she promises quickly, noticing only then that's it's true. No one has ever gotten her as wet as Ethan does on a damn near every day basis. Whether he's standing in the kitchen, working out hard in their gym, lounging on the couch watching a movie, driving the Jeep, or taking a dip in the pool, she was always thinking about the things she'd do, always dripping. It'd been a constant battle in her head. Too many nights rubbing it out to the thought of him. She had a feeling those nights would be less frequent, or at least she hoped so.   She snaps her hips faster, arching her back to give him more access to her neck, lips kissing up and down, over the purple bruises and causing new ones. She throws her head back with fluttering eyes, feeling him so deep. He kisses the spot just under her chin, such an odd place to kiss but somehow making her smile at the feeling, his hands dropping to her hips to splay his long fingers against her ribs, feeling the heavy up and down motion due to her shallowed breathing. The tingle sends her sitting up straight and changing her position. Ethan watched her with heavy eyelids, lip caught between his teeth while he watched her hips swirl down on him in fluid movements, twisting and snapping in all different directions. 

Her hips dip and churn on his cock, slowing down at times just to grin at him sinfully, wanting it to last longer. She's edging him like a bitch and he thrives on that energy, planning to use it against her later. She's teasing herself on his cock, edging herself as well. It's not enough. With the thought in mind she keeps half of him inside to rest her palms flat on his chest, leaning forward so her long hair tickles his pecks, hips starting to bounce with an urgency that has his head falling back. He closes his eyes at the sensation of her quicker movements, hands lowering to rest on her ass, shaking up and down as she bounces. He smacks a hand down hard, a large red mark being left behind on her skin. She knows it's going to sting in the morning, maybe even later in the evening - but it's going to hold as a reminder of what happened and she can't complain about that.

  The other hand rested against his dark brow, across his forehead while his eyes stayed glued to his dick disappearing up into her repeatedly. It was almost too much to handle - seeing her so fucked out on top of him. 

He decides he needs it harder, clasping onto the sides of her waist - holding her still before lifting his hips to slam up into her, causing her to cry out a loud "fuck". She's screaming out his name over and over while he rams into her without a pause, using her body as his own fucktoy, just how she wanted.

His fingers grip her tight and a grunt oozes through his clenched teeth, "Jesus fuck this pussy is so good, who's pussy is this?" his question is possessive, wanting her to say she belongs to him. 

"Yours, all yours I p-promise baby..." it comes out in a long breath, head lobbing to the side. 

He nods up at his, approving of her answer, knowing this is going to change things. Her moans are crescendoing into the room, her body heat rising, his hands slamming her down harder against him, taking full control of her euphoric body. 

"I'm gonna cum E I'm gonna cum," she warns, wanting to warn him and maybe get him there faster, not knowing he's been holding back for her for a while now. Watching her tits bounce while he slams into her is too much for his horny mind.

  "Cum on me princess, all over, give me a show," his thumbs comes to her clit, rubbing fast circles. 

She can feel that same pressure, an intense burn that's waiting to burst into flames. The contrast of his cock fucking her and the fingers of his hands squeezing on her skin felt like a small piece of heaven. Her eyes squeeze shut as it happens once more. Ethan is coating the inside of her cunt in long spurts, continuing to ram into her to milk himself. 

Her body is lifted involuntarily off of his dick when she squirts again, loving the warmth of his cum inside her to much she's painting his abdomen with her juices, spraying out of her cunt hard. It lasted longer than the time before, the feeling of his cock fucking up inside her so overwhelming her body couldn't handle it. Nails are digging in to his chest while she's looking down, noticing more spray out and his cock leak just a bit more. She's tired, gazing at him - her doe eyes wanting some comfort. But he's not done. 

Her eyes are widening in shock watching his cock grow once more, her pussy clenching around nothing. Just seeing him hard again has her aching. 

"Fuck need more," he urges absentmindedly, completely exhausted but needed more of her sweet pussy. 

He grabs her hands within his own, placing them both on the headboard above his head. 

"Hold onto the headboard for me," it is a simple instruction, one that has her clutching onto the headboard with a tight grasp, tired out from two intense squirting orgasms. She can't refuse him, knowing she's wrapped around his pretty ring clad finger. 

His hands grab at her ass to pull the flesh apart, smacking and squeezing it in his massive palms. She finds his cock slipping into her easier than before from being so spread and wet for him at that point. She's surrendering her body to him, letting him use her in whatever way he pleases, under his spell. 

Before she can blink he's back at it again, holding her hips tight and slamming up into her once again, determined to have a repeat of her pussy gushing just one more time. He knows he can get her there, confident of his will to please her. 

She reaches a hand down to his throat, squeezing lightly enough just so that he can feel the pressure, a strand of hair falling onto his forehead from the shaking and force of his thrusts. He's moaning at the sensation of her hand around his throat constricting his airway, never thinking he would like it as much as he did, but it gets him pumping faster. 

Her mouth drops open in a cry, tears slipping out of her eyes at the depth he's hitting, hitting the spot that makes her see stars. She's reeling at how vocal Ethan is, grunted and groaning and growling into the air, lips attaching to her nipples to twist at the buds and suckle hard, pulling out all the tricks. His eyes are rolling in the back of his head when she clenches her walls repeatedly on him every few seconds, almost as if her pussy was fluttering. 

"C'mon just one more time for Daddy E," he shouts, hitting into her fuckhole harder, "I know you can baby give me one more." 

She couldn't wrap her mind around his thought process, how he thought she could possibly cum one more time. He sounded like he was begging for him, ramming faster and harder than before. Eyes pleading with her to give it to him one more time. It was like he refused to cum until she was already there, keeping in tune with every shake of her thigh and every shallow breath she took. She pressed her hand against her clit, rubbing herself into another mind blowing orgasm, surprising herself with the force it brought through her body.

 His begging took her to a place she'd never been, white light shooting through her mind, eyes squeezed shut, hips bucking up to let herself go again, toes curling, leaning forward, hand going still. He's yelling as he cums harder than he ever has before, ramming harder and drilling into her fucked out center, watching her entrance as she started to burst, pushing against his chest to raise her hips off him, his own cum spraying out as she squirted for the third time.

  She's begging him to stop, stop looking at her like that, stop thrusting, just stop, so overstimulated she can't stop the orgasm rolling over and and over. But he wasn't done watching her gush out, clear liquid spraying all over his face and chest once more, he stuck his tongue out while he pressed him thumb to her nub and took over the rubbing, noticing the clenching of her whole and the way streams continued to roll out of her cunt. 

The feeling of being empty continues to surprised her, realizing she loves the feeling of him pressed inside of her, knowing she'll slip him in later to make herself feel better, cockwarming never really being her thing but knowing it would be now when it came to him.

Ethan gathers some of her wetness mixed with his own cum, her eyes latched onto his fingers that raise to his mouth, dipping in and sucking them off. He moans at the taste of her, staring straight into her teary eyes. She loves the sight of him relishing in her glory, tongue sticking around his fingers to get it all. Her body is shaking on top of him, collapsing against his chest, his arms circling around her to hold her close. She's pressing her lips across his chest, pecking him lovingly again and again. She trails her lips up to his mouth, embarking in a kiss that sends her heart dropping into her stomach, long and soft and meaningful. 

"Fuck why haven't we done that before," she breathes, giggling at the grin that spreads over his face, leaning in to kiss the dimple that she adores so much. 

"You tell me," he jokes. 

They both stare long and hard at one another, just taking each other in. She notices the brown of his eyes, how they always change shades but right at the moment they are a golden brown, soaking in her beautiful blushing cheeks. His fingers caress her cheekbones, heart hammering in his chest. They are laying in their own messes, but neither of them care so much, wanting to savor the moment and cherish it - even if they both know it'll happen again. 

Both are surprised by the events, but neither regret it a single bit. They'd longed for it for so long.  They deserved to be wrapped up in each other and enjoying the feeling of their bodies pressed together - her tits smushed against his abdomen. She was still shocked at his language, but the thought of calling him Daddy makes her shiver. 

She's thankful to Grayson in her mind at this moment, so thankful he loves to cook and wanted groceries so bad he just had to go to the grocery store. She did notice the look on his face as she walked back with a purpose to change into some clothes in the bathroom, and noticed his small wink he sent her way before he told her goodbye and shut the foot. she didn't think anything of it at the time, but now looking back, she thinks he might have known something would happen. She's glad he was right. 

The thought makes her shudder while they lay with each other in silence, her cheek lowering to his chest and breathing out a sigh. She feels like she could cry, so overwhelmed with happiness that she finally got the man of her dreams even if it's for a moment it's taking over her senses. 

That's when she hears him speak for the first time. 

"I have a confession " he whispers, staring up at the ceiling, scared shitless to admit his feelings. 

  "Me too...but you first" her voice is cautious, feelings matching his own.

  "I've wanted that for so fucking long...and I'm hoping and even praying a little that it isn't the last time and...maybe...if you'd like, I-I could take you out on a date? I mean seriously you moving in here has really been something y/n you drive me fucking crazy but I would like nothing more than to show you what it could be like with me for real not just as friends but like...for you to be with me - I mean I know it isn't the best time and it looks like I'm doing this because we just had sex but like hearing you say you're mine almost made me pass out and I want that and you've always been my girl and you know I would never do you wrong and I've just wanted you for so fucking long and you're so-" he's rambling on like a lovestruck fool, her addicting peach smell clouding his mind. 

She raises up to kiss him, the sudden pressure on his lips makes him smile, adoring the small gesture, thanking her for stopping him before he got too embarrassed. 

"Shhh my love, I know you would never ever do that to me and...well...I feel the same way," she finally answers when she breaks away.

His cheeks are turning crimson at her soft nickname, loving the way it sounded and loving even more that it was directed at him. My love. If he was never called anything else, he would be okay with it. 

"Really?" his tone surprised at her confession, pulse ramming against her lips while she kisses sweetly along his neck. She leans back to look at him in the eye. 

"Yes really, I've wanted this too and this means just as much to me if not more. You've always been it for me for so fucking long Ethan and I'm...so scared right now I don't know what to do and that kind of scares me because I always know what to do," she sounds small, knowing things will change but not knowing how or what to do, never really wanting anyone but him and not knowing how to deal with having the opportunity finally fall into her hands. Not knowing how to express her affections makes her blush once more. 

Ethan kisses away her cute rambling, one peck after another until her cheeks are back to their milky color. He's nodding in understanding, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. 

"I know that baby, you don't always have to know what to do in every situation, but you're not alone in it," his promise is quiet and sure.   y/n shivers at his pet name, leaning her cheek against his chest to hide her returning blush. 

"You always have my back E, thank you," and she means it, he's always been there. Through every tear, every laugh, every frustrating rant, he's been there for her, showing his dedication and affections even when she was blind to it all.

   "Yeknow...Grayson has been pushing me to tell you how I felt for so long and I never thought you felt the same and I really never thought this would be how this conversation would happen..." Ethan admits with a gentle chuckle. 

y/n joins him with a giggle of her own, continuing to trace her fingers over his skin, glistening with slight sweat. 

"That dickwad pesters me too but it's okay, he means well, imagine what he's gonna think when he figures out we are..." she's rolling her eyes at the mention of Grayson being the middle man of the two, rooting for them in the background. She doesn't really know what to say, unsure of where to go. 

"Going out on a very fabulous date tomorrow," his suggestive tone is what gets her to smile wide. 

"Yes, yes imagine when he figures that out" y/n nods, leaning down to kiss his chest softly where his heart hammers within loudly, terrified of the conversation and loving how it's going. 

"Wait so - we are really doing this?" Ethan questions her, wanting a confirmation.  

y/n nods lightly, smiling dreamily up at him, hooking her leg over his own. She wants this more than anything and she takes note of the relieved breath he releases from his mouth, eyes closed with a smile. 

"So where are ya takin me dolan?"

[bigfeelingsdyke]

project blue book cpt. quinn in s1 pt.1

basically just some musings on captain quinn, under the cut bc it’s going to get long lol

okay i HAVE to talk about his emotional progression because i think it’s the strongest of the main 4 and i’m obsessed with how brilliantly subtle it is (michael malarkey i’m coming to kiss you on the lips.) Like, when we first meet quinn he comes across as the classic cocky, abrupt, military man (actually, it almost comes across as forceful- as in “can you tell i’m Acting” forceful imo, but maybe i just haven’t been around many military dudes alkdjfkl) but it becomes clear pretty quickly that this is more of a practiced persona- which is not to say his time in the air force hasn’t molded him in certain ways emotionally (more on that later)-and he’s not really this straightforward, blunt soldier. In fact, i think quinn is shown to be quite perceptive and good at reading people; the scene in the pilot when he and hynek are at the diner is maybe the best early instance of this- he feels confident enough to call hynek’s bluff but is completely sincere in his offer to fly them because he senses that it isn’t a total bluff (again i tip my hat to you mr. malarkey for communicating all of this with a Look.) Other moments that come to mind are quinn being able to tell something is up with hynek by the sound of his voice (over the telephone no less!), correctly intuiting that hynek was melting down because he couldn’t process lt. fuller’s death (and vocally empathizing), picking up multiple non-verbal cues and tics during his (initial) interrogation of rizzuto, and navigating the situation with the drugged platoon. All of this is not to say quinn can’t be insensitive or dismissive, because he frequently is (to both hynek and various Believers) but he’s the skeptic, so that’s kind of his job. I DO think it’s hilarious that despite quinn’s people-reading skills he can’t tell when hynek is lying to his face. Like, no way is hynek a convincing liar, quinn just has a crush on him LMAO.

Now about that “more on that later” re: how being in the air force for 10 years shaped quinn emotionally- Perhaps more so than anyone else on the show (including susie, a literal spy) quinn resolutely does not wear his heart on his sleeve. He’s not an emotional guy (outwardly anyways, dude spends enough time sulking at bars that its clear he’s in his Feels internally aldfls;fdkl.) Apparently a decade of military conditioning will do that to a person [insert grimacing emoji here]. Because of this, the one emotion quinn IS able to express is anger....which i know isn’t groundbreaking for the character type, but the intensity of quinn’s anger is so fascinating to me, especially because of it’s infrequency.....Like, quinn regularly gets annoyed/exasperated/frustrated but rarely really, truly angry- and when he does it’s....terrifying. Like, possessed-by-fury-incarnate levels. And i have to think this is an intentional choice on mm’s part, and i want to know what his thinking is behind it!! Personally, i read it as quinn having years of bottled up rage around the trauma he suffered running combat missions, which i think is supported by the fact that these moments of furious anger are almost exclusively directed at the generals- like he recognizes (subconsciously) that they, and by extension the air force, are responsible for his unresolved trauma. I think the scene when he confronts general harding about the trick interrogation illustrates this really clearly; it makes sense that quinn would be upset, feel angry and betrayed- but his reaction is SO frighteningly intense it reads like this particular situation is triggering something deeper that’s been building for much longer than one afternoon. 

**On that note, i want to clarify re: his fight with hynek in “Abduction” that quinn isn’t angry (the intensity simply isn’t there, and i don’t think he would ever direct such deep-seated rage at allen, even unintentionally) he’s hurt. 

Finally, i gotta talk about how quinn reacts to his encounter with the orbs, and his confrontation with deepthroat, in the season finale- specifically how deeply we see these events affect him emotionally. Even though up to this point he’s already had several “unexplained” experiences (including being fucking electrocuted inside his damn car by unseen forces and dealing with lingering electric currents in his body) quinn has seemed, in true skeptic fashion, to file these occurrences away as strange phenomena with some kind of scientific, terrestrial explanation (whether its in agreement with hynek’s assessment or not) and appears largely unbothered by them. But then we get his (very up close and personal) encounter with the orange orbs, and confrontation with hynek’s contact, and both leave him visibly shaken. And now i’m going to rave about mm’s acting again, because SERIOUSLY- the barely concealed fear in quinn’s eyes when facing down deepthroat like!! he has a steady hold on the gun in his hand but his glassy eyes betray how scared he really is- for himself and hynek (side note: i LOVED how protective he was of hynek in this scene, but more on that in part two...) As for quinn’s aerial encounter with the orbs, i think it was a great callback to lt. fuller’s experience in the pilot (which quinn dismissed as all but impossible, and then tried to prove it) because we got to see quinn go through nearly the same experience....and come out the other side a lot less sure about ufos than he was ten episodes ago (narrative and emotional full-circles are soooooo sexy omg<3) Also, his reaction (surprised, hurt) to hynek bullshitting to the generals was very telling- actually, it reminded me of the scene in the x files pilot where scully discovers the dirt under the comatose kids toenails and immediately freaks out because holy SHIT mulder was right the kid IS the culprit, and mulder, the Believer, has to remind her “okay, but you have to write it down in your report.” Like, quinn was so emotionally tripped up by his encounter that he got upset with hynek for telling the generals it was NOT aliens, when his entire MO has been to make sure hynek does exactly that ASDFGHJKL. I’m excited to see just how far down the rabbit hole quinn is actually gonna go in s2, or if he’ll pull back completely and go back to Super Skeptic Mode....

[gcmblingdice]

Marty Stus can fit any Mary Sue Tropes, but some are more common with Marty Stus than Mary Sues and vice-versa. Some of the most common types of Marty Stus are:

Manly Stu: Probably the most common Marty Stu and the most likely to have all or most of the Common Marty Stu Traits above. This character has reached awe-inspiring levels of manliness through pure authorial favoritism. Nine times out of ten, he is written by a male author, with variable levels of Wish Fulfillment tossed in. You won't see him dwell often on romance, if ever, since Real Men Hate Affection. Also usually a God Mode Stu.

Alt. names: Marty Stu on Steroids, Manly Man Marty Stu, Macho Man Stu

Romantic Stu: This sort of Marty Stu is much "tamer" than the Macho Stu, and is much more interested in his Love Interest. In fact, he's more intuitive to the needs of his beloved than most men in Real Life would ever be. He might be a bad boy, or Troubled, but Cute, or this may be just an Informed Attribute. Either way, he's everything a girl would dream of in a guy. He's often written by a female or written to get females interested in the story.

Alt. names: Lovesick Stu, Romance Stu, Love Sickening Stu, Romeo Stu

Uke Stu: Taking Romantic Stu a step further, there's the Uke Stu. He's the polar opposite of Macho Stu and is more than just In Touch with His Feminine Side. As the name implies, he's likely a character possessing the traits typically associated with the 'receiver' in Boys' Love and Yaoi. If he's not gay, he's probably less aggressive and masculine than his female Love Interest.

Alt: Feminine Stu

Lemon Stu: He can seduce and sleep with literally anyone he wants and Really Gets Around. This guy has the sex life most guys can only dream of. For he is The Casanova taken Up to Eleven. See the main page for more details.

Alt. names: Casanova Stu, The Genji

Lemon Stu Anti-Stu: Exactly What It Says on the Tin, Lemon Stu meets Anti-Sue. This type of Marty Stu is unattractive, rude, and often meant to be a stand-in for the male audience. Yet somehow, he manages to score with beautiful women, often resulting in Kavorka Man and Ugly Guy, Hot Wife.

Alt. names: Lemon Stu Loser, Anti Stu Casanova, Kavorka Stu

Geeky Stu: Some males realize that they will never physically meet the qualifications for your typical action hero, even though they may enjoy their adventures. Qualifications that include rugged good looks, strength, stamina, athletic ability, and a strong constitution as well as being charismatic and having excellent social and leadership skills. They prefer a protagonist that they could see themselves as. The Geeky Stu is average looking, cerebral, quirky, and probably of a scientific bent, even if he doesn't hold a degree. His strength is in his gray matter, not his myosin. He kicks ass using wit and intellect. He disarms foes with clever rhetoric and kills the ladies with dorky charm. His sidekick might be an action ready type ready to supply the brawn, but will always be taking orders from Geeky Stu, the brains of the operation. Geeky Stu considers himself an intellectual elite in a world of fools. And he is always ready to put the powers that be in their place, whether they be military martinets or bureaucrats. He will always win over "The Girl" from the Alpha Male jock because Geeks Are Sexy. Hard Science Fiction has quite a number of these. May overlap with Einstein Sue.

Alt. Names: Nerd Stu, Intellectual Stu

Purity Stu: This is the Marty Stu whose main character flaw is... His lack of flaws, which irritates the audience to no end. He is an All-Loving Hero or something similar, and may see it as his personal mission in life to be The Caretaker to everyone, whether they want it or not. He will radiate Incorruptible Pure Pureness, and this aura of perfection will often create a weird inversion of Straw Loser, as this character is just so wonderful that he makes everyone else look bad. He will either be a Technical Pacifist or an Actual Pacifist, unless of course, he actually has to fight, in which case he will fight in the most heroic way, with no one being killed. If (and this is a big if) he has any flaws, they will be so tiny that you'll need a magnifying glass to see them, or they will be cosmetic flaws that don't really affect him or the story. And those flaws will almost exclusively be "good guy flaws." He will often have a traumatic past, and may have been a bad guy then, but now he's simply good. In those cases, he's The Atoner. If he's The Atoner he may be on the receiving end of Reformed, but Rejected. On the other hand, anyone who crosses him will be Easily Forgiven, not because of an agenda but out of the goodness of his heart. He's nice to everyone, even his enemies. In some cases, he may even save the life of one of his foes, or of someone close to them, which most will see as kind but the more cynical will interpret as Passive-Aggressive Kombat. If he dies, he may ascend to Heaven/be sainted/have everyone, even his enemies mourn him/ ect. He will probably help others in a way that may come off as sweet to most, but as Condescending Compassion to the more cynical. Everyone will love him, and those who don't will be vilified. In fantasy, he may very well be The Chosen One. He may very well be able to do amazing things simply through his goodness. If a young boy, he may be a male version of The Pollyanna. He will probably love his country. He will always, always, always be willing to rescue people, even if they don't want it. Is nearly always a Good Samaritan, but very rarely runs into No Good Deed Goes Unpunished. If a superhero, he will be The Cape Up to Eleven. He will often be an impossibly good judge of character, and always do the right thing. Sometimes this happens when Historical Hero Upgrade is taken Up to Eleven.

Alt. Names: Perfect Hero Syndrome, Mr. Good Guy, Messianic Stu (in works where he takes on Christ-like qualities, not that uncommon,) Buddha-Like Stu (in works where he takes on Buddha-like qualities, also not that uncommon,) The Galahad (in works featuring chivary as in Arthurian legend).

Black Hole Stu: His gravity is so great, he draws all the attention and causes other characters (and, often, reality itself) to bend and contort in order to accommodate him and elevate him above all other characters. Characters don't act naturally around him - guys wish to emulate him and all the girls flock to him regardless of circumstances. They serve as plot enablers for him to display his powers or abilities, with dialogue that only acts as set-ups for his response. He dominates every scene he is in, with most scenes without him serving only to give the characters a chance to "talk freely" about him - this usually translates to unambiguous praise and exposition about how great he is. Most people don't oppose him and anybody who does will either realize their fault in doing so or just prove easy to overcome. Often a combination of the above Stu archetypes.

Informed Anti-Stu: This Stu is disadvantaged by society, magic, technology or any other factor owning to certain attributes that make him weak and disadvantaged...except none of those weaknesses ever come into play, while any or all of the "positive" elements of the above Stu archetypes continue to apply in the context of the story.

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

The thing I love about Otto, he is the guy who...Peter Parker is supposed to be the everyman, and in a lot of ways he is, but he is always dating the most beautiful women in the world...supermodels, Gwen Stacy...And Otto was the guy, I am not a big fan of the late-90s as an era of Spider-Man. There was a character called Stunner who came along and was this big Amazonian woman with super-strength, who was Otto's partner and love-interest and the big reveal was that she was a virtual reality simulation and the real person was an overweight woman in a virtual reality machine. But when Otto finds out he says, I didn't love you for what you looked like, I loved you for your mind...I can’t remember if she [Aunt May]  saw Betty [Brant] as a bit of a Jezebel because she was older

We er...we really need to unpack this. I already did a post where I cited the above as part of why Christos Gage should never have been allowed to write Spider-Man.

But lets dive deeper into the idiocy of this. 

First of all if nothing else the above quote and panels really do prove beyond doubt that Marvel knew what they were doing when they paired Slott and Gage...well sorta. Gage and Slott’s approaches to Spider-Man fundamentally come from the same place of fundamental misunderstanding and regressive beliefs thus they were perfect to work together. It’s just that Gage is a comparatively more competent writer than Slott and therefore Slott should’ve been HIS understudy and fill-in guy not the other way around.

So let’s dive into the less awful bits first. Like Slott Gage doesn’t know his continuity and is too lazy to even google it.

Let’s put aside how Stan Lee himself  stated Betty Brant is younger  than Peter NOT older, the age difference would’ve been insignificant enough (Peter was a senior in high school when he was dating Betty, that’s stated in the issues) so what is this ‘Jezebel’ crap? The fact his mind would go to that rather than just Aunt May thinking MJ would be a better match is at best eyebrow raising.

Moving on, the crux of his assessment of Otto and Stunner’s relationship is way off the mark. Ignoring the fact that Stunner and the reveals made about her occurred in 1994-1995 (so literally not the LATE 1990s at all), he’s totally distorted the story as it unfolded. As such let me show you some of the relevant pages.

Gage’s assessment of Otto and Stunner’s relationship hinges upon two interconnected ideas.

a) Otto was unaware that her stunning appearance was a facade and

b) That he didn’t care upon finding out

As you can see that is a distortion of what the actual stories conveyed.

Otto was always  aware Stunner’s appearance was a facade because he invented the technology that made it possible in the first place!

Otto also began dating her BEFORE she became Stunner. This does indeed support the idea that for him outer beauty is not that relevant. 

For myself I find this idea debatable for a few reasons. Not only in the above images does he directly refer to Stunner as beautiful and the love of such a beautiful woman makes him happy but in the classic Spec #75 Bill Mantlo implies Otto took a fancy to Felicia due to her being attractive.

I grant you it’s far from impossible to interpret that Otto in fact was referring to Stunner’s personality as beautiful and took a shining to Felicia for reasons beyond her looks. In fact I find that interpretation interesting. But both examples hurt the narrative of Otto being a man who doesn’t care about outer beauty, even before you get to the fact that in Superior he was oggling and actively trying to fucking rape Mary Jane! What exactly about her  ‘inner beauty’ led to him doing this?

Then of course you have his relationship with Aunt May which has been treated as genuinely romantic when it’s very unlikely to be that.

The truth is Doc Ock has been inconsistently written over the decades so pinning down that he’s a man who doesn’t care about a woman’s outer beauty in regards to his feelings for them is extremely iffy.

His dynamic with Stunner and Gage’s assessment is even iffier as the pages detailing his ‘courting’ of her prior to her becoming empowered can definitely be interpreted as him actively manipulating her for his own ends. He needed a test subject for his technology, a technology he was hoping could essentially ensure he’d live beyond the demise of his mortal body and mind (which obviously happened in Superior). Angela was that test subject, he either came across or scouted her out with the explicit intention of having her use his machine. 

Because we only get brief flashes of their relationship it’s unclear if he was 100% decieving and manipulating her (as he was to Anna Maria and Mary Jane) or if he was sincere in his affections, at least on some level. Maybe he even started out manipulating her but grew to genuinely care for her before or after her transformation into Stunner.

My point is it’s not this grand moral victory for Otto that he cared for Angela even though she was overweight.

Which brings me to the most damning thing about Gage’s comments.

According to him Otto is better than Peter because Otto didn’t date supermodels or sexy cat burglars.

Much like all his work with Otto before and during his Superior run, Gage practically wanks off the character.

You see Otto is ‘different. He’s not like ‘those other guys’, or more specifically ‘that Peter Parker guy’. HE doesn’t date supermodels or sexy cat burglars. 

He just keeps the sexy cat burglars as his ‘guests’ that he won’t let leave his lair, will date by deception and attempt to rape the supermodels and will probably manipulate vulnerable overweight women for his own selfish scientific pursuits and date them sincerely once they’ve transformed into wrestling divas.

Of course in reality, romantic and sexual attraction is something none of us can help and we are going to feel about whoever however we’re going to feel, and the harsh truth is a lot (but not all) of the time outer appearences do matter, or at least they do when it comes to initial attractions. Often in healthy relationships they matter less as time goes by, but are rarely totally irrelevant. Nobody, of any sex, gender or sexuality, is shallow for on some level taking looks into account for how they feel about a romantic or sexual partner, at least on some level.

In Peter’s case Gage’s assessment (which synchs up with Slott’s) of him as shallow is so asinine because he clearly doesn’t just care about looks. In fact semi-famously in the classic Romita stories his initial attraction for Mary Jane fades after he (incorrectly, and unfairly) starts to view her as shallow and little more than her looks.

No doubt about it that chicks’s as pretty as a pumpkin seed...and just about as shallow.

ASM #45*

Peter late of course dumps  Black Cat in part because she doesn’t love him for who he is, and only cares about him as Spider-Man. He wants someone who will share a life with him, whom he can connect with. If he was only interested in her because she was sexy why would he do that?

And of course this is to say nothing of the absolute denigration Gage’s comments pay to both MJ and her relationship with Peter.

I’ve felt this way for awhile now but to be blunt, if a writer ever just sums up MJ as a ‘supermodel’ I’m going to presume they either don’t understand her character and/or hold some messed up opinions. Putting aside how MJ hasn’t a model (super or otherwise) for most of her history it’s just messed up that everything else about her is dismissed in favour of pushing that profession and treating it as a summation of who she is as a character.** 

Because whenever creators or characters sum up MJ as a supermodel what they really mean is ‘she’s just a shallow, pretty face’.  Which is so facepalm worthy ironic because the crux of Mary Jane’s entire character since The Death of Gwen Stacy in 1973  has been that people THINK she is just a shallow pretty face but she in fact absolutely isn’t!

And aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the stuff that is relevant to why she isn’t is literally the reason Spider-Man fell in love with her in the first place. All the guilt, regret, insecurities, bravery, sense of responsibility and inner strength that subverted what we thought we knew about her, that’s the shit that her and Spider-Man’s romance is built upon. 

How the fuck does anyone miss that! It’s not even like you need to read deeply to see it, just read a Wikipedia entry!

It isn’t the crux of Felicia’s character, but the same applies to her. What jackass in this day and age (or indeed since the 1980s) honestly thinks Black Cat is nothing but sex appeal? There is an entire goddam Black Cat ongoing series demonstrating she is more than that! Gage is a goddam relic at this point!

On the flipside of course is poor Anna Maria.

Once upon a time Anna Maria was the best character in Spider-Man. Back in the dark days of 2013 and 2014 when Superior was going strong, MJ was out of the picture and the best Spider-Man books on the stand were about a kid replacing a dead AU Peter Parker and Peter Parker’s clone, Anna Maria was a stand out.

A new character with a personality, likable, a new love interest for ‘Spider-Man’ that on paper made a certain amount of sense even though the circumstances were disgusting. And on top of that she provided a dash of representation that was handled in an appropriate way.

As time went by she gradually devolved as a character and went way off the rails to the point where now she’s being a misogynistic asshole to other women by judging them for their looks. It’s so fucked up because she herself has been judged for her looks, just in a very different way whilst the likes of those ‘shallow’ women she cites have never said a bad word to her or to my knowledge anyone else on the basis of how they were born. 

Good job Gage, this is probably the last time we’re going to see Anna Maria and you’ve fully transitioned me from a guy who kind of wanted her to stick around in some capacity as a regular supporting player for Peter into a guy who would be delighted for her to forgotten and never appear again. 

Fuck Gage.

Fuck Superior

Fuck the entire asinine, mishandled, clusterfuck of an era that outstayed it’s welcome circa December 2012!

*In fairness he does bring up he might just be thinking ill of MJ because he’s upset about other things. See, THAT is a more even handed and on point depiction of Peter Parker being flawed. But Stan Lee being a better writer than Gage or Slott shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone.

**Not to mention ‘supermodel’ shouldn’t even be used as shorthand for ‘shallow person’ in the first place. Are supermodels not people too? Are they incapable of being intelligent or having worth outside of their looks? I mean FFS we live in a world where this (starting at 3:37) really happened:

[aces-reviews]

Oh God here we go

What a way to renew the old blog, eh friends? That’s right, it’s Ace’s Reviews, coming to you from our secret mountaintop fortress!

This time ‘round, we’re taking a harsh look at “Dracula in Love”, by John Shirley. That’s the cover, right up there!!

Let’s start with that cover. The tag line, the one above the title, the one that’s supposed to entice you to buy this book right goddamn now, states that this yarn is “more shocking than Interview with the Vampire and Dracula!”

Maury knows you lyin’

The only shocking thing about this book is how bad it is. How about some historical context?

See in the 70’s and 80’s, there was a boom for mass market horror paperbacks, and there were a LOT of them. One little sub genre was vampires. 1976 brought us Anne Rice’s ‘Interview with the Vampire’, a ferociously wonderful novel that gave us moody, soulful vampires who ruminated on their dark and lonely existences.

Enough about Louis, get to me.

It also gave us Lestat, and if you don’t know who he is, then welcome to the modern day, unfrozen caveman!

Anyway, Ms Rice’s lovely little novel touched off an explosion of vampire novels, all of them turning up the dials on handsomeness, broodingness, and sex.

‘Dracula in Love’ was, unfortunately, one of those novels.

Our main character is Vladimir Horescu, a computer design guy who gets a letter one day, from his dad. Guess who his dad is. Go on, guess!

Hint.

So this dude is Dracula’s son! This is shocking news!! Drac Daddy commands his son to meet him at a house that our protagonist grew up in for reasons that I don’t remember, because my brain is refusing and trying to resist. So our guy goes home to his Asian manservant and discovers his heroin-addict ex-wife is there. Later, he gets a visit from a mysterious dude in a yellow suit. Who could this be? Why none other than Lucifer himself!!

“You wish. Don’t drag me into this garbage fire!” —Lucifer, probably

Now this Lucifer isn’t the Devil. Oh, he’s A devil, but not THE Devil. Totally different guy. Also this one looks kinda like Santa Claus.

So Santa Banana tells our hero “I’m trynna kill Dracula, and my lady servant will be here tomorrow with some proof.” That proof is a letter from our hero’s old secret society colleague who, in an effort to become a real vampire—and I swear I’m not making any of this up—uses kung-fu and stage magic to become a vampire themed serial killer before being beset by REAL vampires and becoming one of them. The problem is that they’re all rotting zombie type vampires and not the sexy Lestat kind.

“It sucks to be someone. Guess what? It’s that guy.”—Lestat, probably

So more bullshit happens, and I don’t remember it because again, my brain is trying to save me, and then—HALFWAY THROUGH THE BOOK—we finally meet Dracula.

Now, I’d like you to picture Dracula. You pictured someone sexy, didn’t you? Was it Gary Oldman? Mm, I bet it was. Go ahead and soak that up a second. Yeah, that’s nice. You probably picked one of these dudes:

Yes, I’m aware that it’s old butt-hair Drac. No, I don’t care. Still sexy.

It’s quite something then, when Dracula shows up in this novel and is described as short and squat, cruel and brutal.

“Like me!”—Gimli, probably

He’s also dressed in the height of late 70’s fashion: it’s either a blue power-suit OR military fatigues with a leather trench coat. Look, just picture Gimli cosplaying as Rutger Hauer from ‘Blade Runner’ and you’re all set.

Now here’s where the novel really starts to suck, pun not intended. This mockery of written words doesn’t deserve puns.

It turns out that Dracula likes to force himself on women, and it makes other people do the same. Also, Dracula doesn’t have a regular dong, but a demon.

It turns out that Lucifer’s lady servant is actually Lucifer and after Dracula falls in love with her in the last fifth of the book there’s a weird sex-ish scene where Dracula...gets...he...

He crawls up inside her after she grows giant and then gets deported to another realm.

“BRUH.”—Riker, definitely

There’s an ending kind of, and it turns out the Asian manservant has God living in his head or something, but do you care? I don’t care. I don’t care, and neither should you.

Guys. I hate this book. I hate it so fucking much. It’s the worst book I’ve ever read. It’s worse than ‘Dean Koontz’s Frankenstein’, and that book is a war crime. It’s scientifically impossible to be worse than ‘Dean Koontz’s Frankenstein’, and yet somehow it happened. I crapped blood for four hours after I finished this book.

I’m asking you, on behalf of the Council of Sexy Draculas, to never read this book. I read it because I had to, for you, the people. But if someone ever says, “Hey man! I have here a novel that’s more shocking than Interview with the Vampire and Dracula!”, you need to duck, because they’re secretly behind you with an axe. That person outright hates you, and you should hate them back, because they’re trying to get you to read “Dracula in Love”.

“We are the Council of Sexy Draculas, and we approve this message.”—the Council of Sexy Draculas, probably

I came across this book in Grady Hendrix’s (no relation) book, “Paperbacks from Hell”, a fantastic read all about that paperback boom.

Tune in next time, where we’ll review one of the worst movies of all time!!

[one-thousand-splendid-stars]

My Favorite AUs

Save Me or Let Me Drown - by GubraithianFire, E, 72k - Sherlock Holmes was nineteen when he decided he'd had enough. Uni was dull, his family smothering, cocaine too expensive after his trust fund was cut. There was no utility in pursuing a degree in Chemistry, not when he was so good at stealing cars and could make his own money. He had no reason to stay. So he left. John Watson was nineteen when his absent mother dumped on him her last daughter. She disappeared (again) while his father drank himself numb every night (typical). With six younger siblings to take care of, uni was an impossible dream. They had no one except for him. So he stayed. Or: how Sherlock escaped from his family, John sacrificed everything to his, and how, together, they built their own.

Let Me Touch You (The First Summer) - by Shae_Fae, M, 18k - Seventeen-year-old John is spending the summer at Sherlock's country house. Sherlock can't imagine anything worse. Especially since he may be falling in love with the boy. (Literally, I loved this fic so much it inspired me to write my own fic with the same concept)

The Reawakening of John Watson - by 221_be_careful_what_you_wish_for, E, 20k - Trying to escape his troubled past in England, John Watson has started a new life in the American West. When he meets the handsome artist Sherlock Holmes, a smoldering attraction is sparked, complicating his quiet, carefully guarded existence. Maybe taking a risk with Sherlock is exactly what John needs to feel alive again...

Bluest of Blue - by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John, E, 196k - John Watson's 10th season as a Denali National Park Ranger was shaping up to look like all the years before. Until a special team from Europe was flown into the Park for a summer-long wolf-tracking research project, and the head of that research team was wearing a perfectly tailored suit.

Dehumanize Me - by deuxexmycroft, E, 26k - John is sent down for life after accidentally murdering someone, and gets snatched up to play prison wife for a strange man named Sherlock Holmes.

John Watson’s Twelve Days of Christmas - by earlgreytea68, M, 53k - Fake dating AU. It's the holiday season. John Watson needs money. Sherlock Holmes needs something else.

Kings Among Runaways - by allonsys_girl, E, 56k - Sherlock is a street kid with a big drug problem, and John's run away from an abusive home life. When they meet each other in an alley one day, it's pretty much love at first sight. But the streets are rough, and Sherlock's never easy, and so there is much angst.

First and Only - by crimsonwinter, E, 68k - Sherlock and John have been inseparable since birth, working through life as neighborhood best friends, attached at the hip. Unfortunately, reality can break up even the closest of us, and John and Sherlock struggle through all that growing up entails. But first loves are unforgettable, and the boys come to realize that their love is the first and only they'll ever have.

The Slave Who Wouldn’t Run Away - by kleiothemuse, E, 43k - John Watson, a slave with a contract to one of the many auction houses operating legally in modern-day Britain, is sold to a new master, Sherlock Holmes, who appears to want John to be more of an assistant/housekeeper than to warm his bed. As far as John is concerned, this works out nicely. However, the situation changes when Sherlock’s brother interferes, putting pressure on Sherlock to act according to his role as a slave owner, which entails demanding sexual services of his slave as well as disciplining him. Sherlock appears reluctant to obey, whereas John is strangely OK with it...But is everything quite as it seems?

*Smutty AUs 🔥*

Dr. John H. Watson, Sexual Surrogate - by smurff, E, 21k - A sexual surrogate is a therapist who engages in intimate physical contact with clients who have sexual anxiety. After several men who have visited a surrogate go missing, Sherlock goes undercover and makes an appointment to see Dr. John Watson, Sexual Surrogate.

When This is All Over, Let’s Meet in New York - by 221b_careful_what_you_wish_for, E, 21k - Freelance photographer John Watson is on assignment in a city verging on war. When he meets the mysterious Sherlock Holmes, tension crackles and the night takes a decidedly sexy turn. A gritty little love story inspired by Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

I Have Your Permission - by ianavi, E, 11 works - John and Sherlock are scientific academics who meet at a conference. After a weekend hookup, they begin an ongoing sexual relationship when John agrees to be Sherlock’s sub.

The Dancer and the Detective - by eragon19, E, 3 works - John Watson is a stripper struggling to earn his cut at the club and pay rent. Then the mysterious Sherlock Holmes wanders in and books a private dance with him - which ends up being the first of many...

Bleed So Pretty - by PoppyAlexander, E, 8 works - A collection of fight club stories

[ecfandom]

I really admire you creativity and ability to come up with so many intriguing and complex story/fic ideas! I wish I had even half the amount of creativity you do tbh, I love writing and coming up with new ideas but alas my half decent ideas for stories are kind of few and far in between. Any tips or advice for how to get the creative juices flowing?

That’s very sweet, thank you! I’m sure your ideas are wonderful! The best advice I can give is the advice I have always received and found to work–consume, consume, consume. Read and watch what you want to be writing as often as you can. I try to read a new romance book (since that is what I mainly write) every 1-2 weeks. The more you take in the genre of your choice, the more the conventions of that genre will become familiar to you. The more they become familiar to you, the easier new ideas will come, because all you will need is a tiny scene or spark that you can then plug into the convention to create a full fleshed out story. 

For instance, in romance, you’ve got the following convention that’s pretty standard across the board: 

1. Introduce Character A and their world.

2. Inciting incident - this is the thing, the dilemma, that starts the plot

3. Introduce Character B - usually the inciting incident introduces Character B at the same time or shortly after

4. Introduce conflict, where Character A also usually finds themselves out of their element. This often also puts Character A and B either at odds or allies. 

5. Begin to resolve the conflict. As you’re doing so, Character A and B are opening up to each other.

6. When things seem like they’re going well, introduce the New Big Hurdle that seems impossible to beat. 

7. Struggle to beat New Big Hurdle. Character fails at first. 

8.. Character A or B (or both) must face something they’ve been avoiding, some trauma or history, etc., in order to resolve New Big Hurdle

9. Within resolution of New Big Hurdle, you have the consummation of the relationship. 

And within all of these elements, you’re sprinkling in minor characters, minor side conflicts, and moments of A and B connecting. 

For instance, if you were to plug Polis 433 into this, you’d get: 

1. Introduce Character A - We meet Clarke and Clarke’s world. (Ellie, To-Do lists, job at the hospital)

2.  Inciting Element - Firefighters show up at Clarke’s house because of her faulty security panel.

3. Introduce Character B - “Hi, I’m Captain Woods” (Lexa, you sly dog)

4. Introduce Conflict - Uh oh, Lexa’s cute, but Clarke SO does not have time for that. She can’t deal with these emotions right now. Clarke is out of her element now that the new sexy firefighter has entered her life.  Clarke and Lexa are at odds. 

5. Begin to resolve conflict - Clarke and Lexa have been getting to know each other, slowly, and they agree to take some steps forward, be open with each other. (WE’RE HERE IN THE STORY RIGHT NOW)

6. When things are going well, introduce New Big Hurdle - I can’t because that’s a secret. But is this starting to make sense?

Let’s try it with the Hamptons AU: 

1. Introduce Clarke. She’s a teacher in a small town. 

2. Inciting incident - Clarke learns her estranged father has passed and she is now executor of his estate. 

3. Character B - Clarke goes to the Hamptons where she sees Lexa around town and at some gatherings. They meet on the yacht. We’re not sure yet if they’re going to be at odds or be allies.

4. Introduce conflict - Clarke is out of her element in the Hamptons, trying to figure out what to do with her father’s estate. As she and Lexa are getting to know each other, Clarke learns that her father got rich off of embezzling some shady people out of their money, and now those shady people are coming after her to pay off her father’s debts. 

5. Start resolving conflict - Lexa decides to step in and help. She starts throwing her weight and money around, making these shady dudes disappear. Now we know they’re allies, and they’ve got feelings for each other. Things are looking up! 

6. Big New Hurdle - Wrong. Just when things are looking good, this Evil Villain Big Bad Boss appears. He’s got a debt to collect too, and he is not like the other guys. He’s bigger and badder, and the wrong guy to have pissed off. He’s been watching, and he knows Lexa has feelings for Clarke. So, he kidnaps Clarke for ransom. 

7. Character A or B (in this case B) tries to resolve conflict, starts to fail - Big Bad Boss guy ransom calls Lexa, but he’s asking for a sum bigger than Lexa’s liquid assets, and he’s asking for it too soon to allow her to liquify some of her other assets. He says he’ll kill her, and Lexa doesn’t know what to do. Maybe she asks around for help from the other families, but they want no part. Lexa’s going to fail and Clarke’s going to die. 

8. Character must face something hard for them - But then, Lexa pulls one last trick out of her sleeve. She call her uncle. A man she stopped talking to a long time ago because of his nefarious connections and his shady business deals that she once was a part of, and it nearly destroyed her. He’s about just as bad as these other guys and she wants no part of him, even if he is one of her two last surviving family members. He’s the worst person in the world, but for this Big Hurdle, he’s the perfect guy. He’s got all the evil connections to save Clarke from the Big Bad Boss guy. Lexa sets aside her pride and ego and enlists his help. 

9. Resolution - Clarke is saved, Lexa has faced her past, and the two reunite. They live happily ever after. 

Make sense? I was walking through the mall yesterday when I saw a “coming soon” sign for a new bougie, country club-style clothing store, and I thought the promo pictures looked like the Hamptons. With that one image, I was able to plug it into the convention and get a story. The above “plot” took me about 5 minutes to write out because all I had to do was come up with something for each “number.” 

So, my best advice is to just get to know the standard format of what you want to write. All genres have them, and for the most part, they’re all the same. With romance, the conflict and resolution happens between the couple. In sci-fi or fantasy, the conflict and resolution may evolve around a scientific mystery or maybe the impending doom of the world (Apocalypse/pre-Apocalypse genre). It’s all just one big, fun puzzle you’re putting together. I hope that helps. Good luck and happy writing!

[wr1tersblock42]

Variable - A Vegebul One Shot

Bulma gives in to the sexual tension between her and her alien house guest. Set in the three year gap. One Shot. 

Despite his demanding, uncouth manner, Bulma found herself fascinated by her house guest. If anyone else had pulled the kind of shit Vegeta did on a daily basis they’d have been out on their ass, but with the Saiyan Prince, she usually let his rude attitude slide with only a few sharp comments.

Maybe it was because he wasn't human, despite his physical similarities, but she found herself studying him at every opportunity, mentally taking note of every little titbit she could learn about him and storing it away in her impressive (if she did say so herself) memory. Vegeta, Prince of all Saiyans, was a mystery who continued to surprise her with each encounter.

Right now, he stood before her, hands balled into fists at his sides, cheeks flushed red, his bare, exceptionally well-defined chest (like, seriously, the man did not have one gram of fat on him) heaving with each furious breath. Bulma had an on-again off-again boyfriend, but she could appreciate a good-looking man when she saw one and Vegeta could make a woman melt like ice cream on a summer’s day. Until they got wind of his personality, that is.

"What do you mean, no?" he asked through gritted teeth.

"No. N. O. The opposite of yes," Bulma replied, stretching her legs out to rest her combat-styled boots on top of her desk. "I will not build you five more bots. The three you have is enough."

The man's face darkened further, and he stomped towards her. With a sweep of his hand, he knocked her feet off her desk, spun her chair around, and slammed his palms on the desk behind her, trapping her between arms thicker than her legs.

"No is not an acceptable answer," he growled, lifting his lip to reveal a white set of teeth which would have looked identical to a human's if not for the slightly sharper incisors.

Bulma fought the urge to twist her head and bite down on one of the biceps currently encasing her to test how hard they really were. "No," she said again, matching his scowl with one of her own.

Vegeta blinked, confusion flashing over his face before returning to his usual resting angry face. "I could kill you."

"I know." Bulma nodded in agreement. "But you won't." She reached out her forefinger and prodded his left pectoral. Fuck, it was like a rock. A warm, sexy rock. She would have felt guilty for thinking that if Yamcha hadn’t ignored her last three messages (which she took to mean they were currently off-again even though she barely remembered the cause of their latest argument), but he had, so yes. Sexy. “You need me.”

To her surprise, Vegeta flinched, his gaze dropping to her finger and not returning to her face until she'd withdrawn the offending appendage. The moment contact was broken, he recovered. "I need you to build me more bots. If you aren't helping me with my training, then what good are you?"

The scientist in her wondered if his skin was salty from his recent workout or if that was a human excretion because Kami above he never, ever smelt bad. At the moment, he smelt like damp soil (without the fertiliser) and mown grass, as if he'd been rolling around in the garden, but it was by no means unpleasant. To tell the truth it was alluring, and it took all her mental strength not to lean closer and take a deep breath in.

"You can train with three bots," she said firmly. “I will not make you more unless they break.”

Vegeta’s muscles tensed further, which should have been impossible, and he leaned in slightly closer. “You are acting like you have a choice in this. You will make me more. Don’t think you can hamper my training to prevent me from killing your third-class clown of a friend. I will defeat Kakarot no matter what you do.”

“Hamper your training?” Bulma heard her voice raise an octave, but the fury rushing through her was too much to control. She placed both hands on his chest and shoved as she stood up, and what should have been an immovable mountain straightened and stepped backwards. “I’ve done nothing but help you on your quest to become a Super Saiyan! I’ve given you a place to stay, food to eat, and access to Earth’s best training facilities.” They were the same height, she realised even as she chewed him out, meeting his unblinking stare with one of her own. “Don’t talk shit about me preventing you from going blonde, when all I’m doing is trying to prevent you from killing yourself by taking on more bots than the gravity room can handle. If you’re failing at your “legendary birth right”, it’s because of you not me.”

She clamped her mouth shut at the end of her last sentence, realising even as the words flew out that she may have pushed the Saiyan prince too far this time. He looked stunned, his eyes wide. Bulma knew that her words probably hadn’t sunk in and that she really should run because Vegeta was dangerous, she knew that. Implying that a man like him was a failure was suicide, but she found her feet were rooted to the ground.

She could tell the exact moment her remark registered. He blinked slowly, and when his eyes opened again they were filled with fire. He moved so fast all she saw was a blur. One moment she was standing in front of her desk, the next he had her against the wall, one hand against her throat - firm enough to be inescapable without hurting her - while the other gripped her arm. His torso smothered hers and his right leg pushed into her skirt, sliding between her legs, pinning her to the wall in a manner that would have been terrifying… if she’d actually thought he would hurt her.

“Why the fuck do you give a shit if I live or die?” he bellowed, his face contorted into an odd expression of what looked like fury and confusion.

Bulma stared back at him, puzzling over what exactly he meant before finally landing on the fact that he’d completely ignored that she’d implied that he was a failure, and had settled on her admitting she wanted to prevent him from killing himself with her bots.

When she didn’t respond, Vegeta’s eyebrows narrowed even further. She tried to think of an answer, of something that would make him back off but honestly his mouth was close enough for her to kiss (if he hadn’t been holding her neck to the wall), and he smelt really fucking good, and having him this close was so distracting all her thoughts had turned to mush.

“I’ve put a lot of effort into your training, so you can assist with the androids,” she said finally, swallowing hard against his palm - not from fear, but in an effort to push down the warm fluttery feeling she had thanks to his leg pressed against parts that most definitely should not be reacting to her alien house guest. “Why would I want you to die?”

Vegeta sucked in a sharp breath at that, and his tongue shot out and licked his lips. The urge to find out if those lips tasted like a human’s was almost irresistible. Not because she had any feelings for him of course, but purely for scientific purposes. Delicious, sinful, scientific purposes…

Vegeta withdrew the hand from her neck slowly, and before she could feel oddly disappointed at the lack of his touch, he slid his hand down to her waist, resting on the skin showing between her skirt and her short t-shirt. “I want those bots,” he growled, his hot breath a whisper against her cheek.

“And I want to eat ten blocks of chocolate a day and not get fat, but we can’t have it all,” Bulma retorted almost automatically as she struggled to look away from his mouth.

“Can’t we?”

Bulma finally glanced into his eyes and saw the heady glaze in them and knew that his question was more of an invitation.

His lips were slightly parted, his breath a little heavier than normal… oh yes, he was as curious about her as she was about him.

Bulma lifted her free hand and placed it on his chest, intending to push him away like she had before. This was wrong, so very wrong. A man like him shouldn’t be making her feel this way. Forget the fact that he was an alien. He was a murderer. He wanted to kill her best friend and would happily destroy Earth and go on his way without thinking twice.

Still… she could feel his heartbeat pounding beneath her palm, and he suddenly seemed so very human. His eyes dilated and nostrils flared as her hand strayed up a little higher, until her fingers danced along his collarbone. Vegeta didn’t move, didn’t claim as another man would have. He waited, perhaps sensing her indecision, his dark eyes scorching her until she finally slid her hand around the back of his neck and tugged him closer.

His lips met hers with no resistance. They were softer than she’d expected, and they did indeed taste human although she could feel a sparking of energy between them - his ki maybe. When he deepened the kiss, sliding his hand up from her waist to bury itself in her hair and pull them even closer together, the hairs on her arms stood on end and a low moan escaped her throat as she ground herself against his leg, aching desperately for something more.

Vegeta responded with a growl and brought his hands to her thighs, hoisting her legs up. She wrapped them around his waist with a gasp, wondering when exactly his training shorts had dropped, and after a brief fumbling of his hands and her underwear he was inside her and filling her with a mix of pleasure and pain that had her throwing her head back with a scream.

At the sound, he moved one of his hands over her mouth and continued to ram into her relentlessly, not even flinching when she swore into his palm.

Her annoyance at him effectively gagging her disappeared as he continued his onslaught, and behind his hand her muffled cries grew louder, and she felt her release build to an almost painful height.

Vegeta let out his own ragged groan, finally moving his hand away to better hold her, pumping so furiously she was certain her back would be covered in bruises from hitting the wall.

Despite the awkward position, pleasure washed over her in waves as he hit that perfect spot over and over, driving her to madness with its dizzying intensity until finally, finally, she came with a scream.

Vegeta smothered the sound once more, but this time by slanting his mouth over hers and kissing her as his movement became frantic. Although, it was so much more than a mere kiss. His teeth dragged over her bottom lip, bruising the flesh, and his tongue tasted hers, gentle but demanding, while his hand found its way to her hair and tugged at her roots, forcing her to submit.

But Bulma Briefs didn’t submit to anyone.

She bit down on his lip as hard as she could, a thrill rushing through her as he reared back and the metallic tinge of blood filled her mouth.

Far from looking upset, Vegeta’s eyes flashed with pleasure, and he kissed her again, groaning into her mouth before pulling back from their rough kiss to let out a shout that would have put any of the Z-fighter’s battle cries to shame.

He shuddered and fell against her, breathing as erratically as he did after one of his training sessions. They remained pressed up against the wall, curled into other until their breathing slowed in time with one another. As Bulma started to gain feeling back in her jelly-like limbs, Vegeta pulled out gingerly and helped her get her feet on the ground.

“I still want those bots.” Vegeta yanked up his training shorts so damn casually, as if he hadn’t just been moaning in ecstasy moments ago.

“Fuck you.” Bulma straightened her skirt and glared at him, but her words didn’t contain any real malice – she just couldn’t think of a better comeback in her post-orgasm haze.

“We can do that again later,” Vegeta said with a smirk, licking his blood-stained bottom lip. “After I get those bots.”

“Not going to happen, buddy.”

Vegeta just laughed - the sound of someone who knew they’d won - and left the room, the door sliding shut behind him.

Bulma stared at it blankly before sinking into her chair in defeat, her shaky legs unable to keep her standing any longer. Well, shit. Now she was going to have to figure out how to make the extra bots and prevent the gravity room from exploding.

After all, any good experiment needed every possibility tested, and there were so very many er… variables, that she wanted to trial with the Saiyan prince.

[theliterateape]

[Excerpt] Making an Impression at Club Med

The following is an excerpt from the latest book of essays by Erik Lewin, None of Your F*cking Business: 20 True Stories for My Amusement available here.

By Erik Lewin 

My father worked all the time. The only break he ever took was our family’s annual one week trip to Club Med over the New Year holiday. We went to a different location every year, so by the time I grew out of my teens, we had dotted most of the Caribbean.

I’d always stake out the grounds first, in a hunt to find another boy near my age to befriend for the week. I would have loved to meet a girl, but such a scenario was scientifically impossible; I scared like a deer in the presence of a pretty girl. Yet it was imperative that I meet a playmate, as my father was even less available than at home. He’d unwind the entire year of stress by the beach, in a chair under the shade of a lone tree, with a schlocky crime novel and a carton of smokes.

The only attention he bestowed upon me was in a peculiar way; at times I would catch him hidden behind a pillar, or sneaking around a corner, like one of the spies in his novels, silently watching me playing ping pong. My only guess was this was his way of seeing me behave in my natural state, but regardless, it was weird. We shared a room, of course, so I was privy to his slugs of cognac straight from the bottle, and his fits of sleepy farts. At last he’d roll over, burnt cigarette flaming out in a tin ashtray, leaving space for my poor mother to lay down in this bed of roses. 

One year when I was 13, by dumb luck, my school buddy Benny and his parents came to the same Club Med for the New Year. Benny was a degenerate troublemaker, so we got along very well. When adults marry, they say they found the one. To a teenage boy, the one is the friend who teaches you how to spank the monkey. Benny was that one, but this point requires clarification; he didn’t teach me in the sense of a mentorship, like a tennis instructor feeds balls to correct form, though pointers were given. He mainly just enlightened me on this fabulous new feature in my scrotum.

One night before this trip, I had slept over Benny’s house and we were watching an excellent B movie with flashes of naked boobs and butts of sexy women, and he just whipped his tackle out.

“Dude what the hell are you doing!?”

“You’ll see.”

Instinctively, I grabbed scissors off his desk to gouge my eyes out, but curiosity at such outlandish behavior got the better of me. He gave a little color commentary, telling me about the particular technique of his stroke and why it was so effective. I somehow knew not to stick around for the climactic finish. I locked myself in his bathroom and ran the shower, stationing myself on his toilet, bringing the girls from the movie to mind. I got a chubby! Then experimented with it. The rest is history, as I scarcely left my bathroom for the next five years, until it was time to go to college.

So there Benny and I were at Club Med, set loose on the grounds with virtually no supervision. He was more forward than me, and we managed to sort of cobble together a little crew of kids about our age. The girls were cute, too. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I watched this dude Shane talk to the girls. He was by any objective observation a tall, gawky, pimply motherfucker with a weird little head bob when he walked. He was only a year older than me, so vast experience couldn’t be it, but he knew how to make them laugh and even touch him. It was like watching a cat smoke a cigarette.

There was plenty to keep us busy in the resort, but we loved to push boundaries. Benny and I walked on the beach one day, past the line establishing club property, and continued until there were no people along the shore. We came upon a little cave, and to our surprise, out stepped an extremely tall and muscular black man in a speedo and seashell necklace.

“Hallo, boys,” he said. “Ya like to race, on the sea?” He motioned for us to come closer. “Is OK, look here.” From the entrance of the cave we could see two stunning jet skis. This was when these motorcycles on water first came on the market. We couldn’t believe it.

“$20 for each, 30 minute.”

“OK, we’ll be back,” Benny said.

We raced back to the club and hounded our folks for the money. What spoiled shits! This beautiful, exotic resort didn’t offer enough? For reasons unclear to me, our parents gave us the money. I don’t think they quite understood what we were asking, or perhaps that we omitted the minor detail of renting a water motorcycle from a mysterious cave dweller off club grounds. We ran back to the man with our bounty, who quickly mounted us on the two skis. The islander fired up our engines, and Benny and I exchanged a look of disbelief at the raw horsepower now under our control. We revved ‘em up and shot out into the clear blue sea.

It was beyond exhilarating. Out in the vast space of water and sky, there was nothing left of my little world. The motor purred under my command. It went so fast! The sea splashed its spray in my face as I gunned the ski atop curling waves. There was nobody else except Benny out here. At some point I looked up, and in the distance saw the figure of the tall island man waving us in. Back on the beach we were jubilant, clapping and hugging and wrestling and rolling in the sand. It was the most freeing experience of my life — with the notable exception of freeing my own willy — and I desperately wanted to do it again.

We had the good sense not to hit our folks up for another round on the same day, so we were forced to come down from our high, at least for the evening. We drank beer and shared a cigarette I swiped from my room and watched Shane work his moves on the young girls. He didn’t have his usual ball cap on and his hair was revealed to be even more of a monstrosity than his face. He sported shaved racer stripes by his ears, fashionable at the time in arcade rooms, and about a bucket full of mousse that made it look like he had a metal cannon ready to fire from his scalp. Lest anyone find these assessments too harsh, rest assured, these descriptions are kind.

There were two girls, Keri and Rebecca, from Rhode Island. They were attractive brunettes with already curving, womanly figures. It was completely intimidating.  Even Benny, ever the daredevil, was right there next to me ogling the girls from afar, who were busy giggling at everything Shane said. We passed the beer bottle until it was done, and right then the strangest thing happened. Shane stopped talking to the girls and came over to me.

“Yo, what’s your name again?”

“Uh, Erik.”

“See that girl over there? With the boobs?”

I nodded.

“She thinks you’re cute. The other one is mine, Holmes, you feel me? But you can run game on Rebecca.” He sniffled and blew snot in an airborne trajectory. It was impressive. “That is, if you got any game.”

“I got game,” I said, having no idea what he meant.

“Yeah, whatever. We’ll be on the beach, come right quick in a minute. And don’t cockblock, yo.”

Benny was speechless until I hit his arm and asked him what on earth I was going to do.

“I think exactly what Vanilla Ice just said.” I snickered at his apt comparison. He continued. “It’s just like when Tracy Lords got naked on the beach in that Skinemax movie! Go down there!”

He pushed me in their direction. Shane and the two girls had already walked toward the water. I started to follow them, but instead veered off and found a desolate patch of beach in the dark, slid between two lounge chairs, and feverishly masturbated by a bush. That was my comfort zone.

✶

The next day, Benny and I ate lunch and hounded our parents for another $20 bucks each. Amazingly, we got it. I had this great idea to redeem myself and ran to find Shane, who was shooting hoops on the basketball court.

“Yo where’d ya go last night? I knew you’d punk out like a bitch.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence. I’m sorry about that, but listen, me and Benny got these awesome jet skis at the end of the beach, like past club property. Bring the girls there in an hour and we’ll blow ‘em away. Then tonight I’ll, y’know, have game. OK?”

“Yeah, whatever,” he said, dribbling the ball through his gangly legs.

I figured the idea that it was off club grounds and involved water motorcycles had a certain danger to it that would motivate Shane to cooperate. Benny and I walked through the club and we ran into Rebecca and Keri, who were getting out of the pool. Rebecca hopped on one foot to empty her ear of water and her boobs shook against her tight bathing

“Hey guys, what’s up?” she said. My tongue disappeared somewhere down my esophagus. Benny rescued me.

“We’re about to do the coolest thing. We’re going to ride jet skis down the beach. Like not part of the club.”

“Really?” Keri asked, toweling off. “That could be cool,” she said, not entirely believing we were up to anything of actual interest.

“Let’s go watch,” Rebecca said. I couldn’t believe it! As if on cue, like a real pimp, Shane appeared and threw his arms around Keri. Ice ice, baby. They all followed us to the cave.   

We found the giant islander sipping nectar out of a coconut. The two jet skis were already waiting in the water. We were expected!

“Hello!” We called to him.

He greeted our crew and took our money. “Remember, amlamay, amlamay.”

“What the hell he just say?” Shane poked his head between me and Benny.

“It means respect the sea,” I said.

“Bullshit,” Shane said, spitting on the sand. “It totally means, ‘I love white girls.’”

“Dude, what is wrong with you?” I asked.

“C’mon, E, let’s ride,” Benny said and mounted his ski. And quietly to me, “Let’s kick some serious ass.”

I took one last look at Shane and the girls, and caught the piercing eye of the Islander, whose intensity frightened me. I hadn’t encountered too many cave dwellers in speedos and seashells, but he’d been nice to us. The important thing was the look of awe in Rebecca’s eyes. I had never seen that look before. I turned the key and felt that electric voltage shock my heart. I hit the gas and hung on tight.

It felt amazing to have a captive audience. I’m sure Benny felt the same, because whenever I’d look, he was busy doing all kinds of fancy corkscrew turns. He’d angle his ski rather sharply in one direction, and then cut it back the other way, kind of like when a car does donuts in a parking lot. My tack was different; I had a need for speed.

I was having the time of my young life. It was so much fun on the ski with nobody watching, but now I had Rebecca to see me in all my glory. She would no doubt rush me with a delirious hug and a passionate kiss when I disembarked. I gunned the machine for all she was worth, pedal to the metal. They were merely distant blots on the sand. The ski was moving so fast it was hopping off the water.

During my daydream, I lost sight of Benny. And then, instantly, he was right there, in my line of fire… turning— WHAM! My ski crashed into the side of Benny’s ski at maximum speed. Everything went black. My first sensation was of flying through the air, held there as if suspended, finally dropping in water. I doggie paddled in my life preserver. My ski was nearby, engine torn out and battered, sputtering pathetically.

I heard a high-pitched voice cry, “You asshole! You almost killed me! You almost killed me!”

Benny was thrashing about in the water. He looked OK. His ski, on the other hand, was totaled. Sawed in half. I made my way over to the remnants of my ski, got on, and went to pick up Benny. It was nothing short of miraculous that he was in one piece. In fact, so far as we could tell, we didn’t have a scratch on us.

As we inched closer to shore, I saw the muscular Islander waving us in. This was to be our fate. Left for dead on a rocky shore in the Caribbean. At least we’d have witnesses. But really, who could blame this man whose business Benny and I just singlehandedly wiped out?

The girls were speechless, hands cupping their mouths. Even that Vanilla Ice/Snow poseur Shane had no comment. They were all breathless, waiting to see what the Islander would do.

“Please sir, don’t kill us! We’re sorry!” I pleaded.

“Ain’t me gonna kill you – your daddy gonna do that!”

I thought that was very perceptive of him. This guy’s wrath was nothing next to the fear I had of my father. I mean, he never hit me, but wasn’t there a first time for everything?

“Let’s go find them,” Benny said, immediately sobered, not furious at me anymore. A little near-death experience could never touch our friendship.

We found our parents, who were so grateful we weren’t dead or crippled, that they handed over the dough for new skis. It was something to see relief soften my father’s face.

More than one miracle in one day.

Twenty essays that cover everything from the perilous nature of male friendship, meeting girls in Summer Camp, high school science projects that traumatize your mother, attending the model U.N., and blacking out in a bullet-proof limo in Moscow. You know, average coming-of-age stuff.

[hadeheria]

coltrane james

aka the ‘sexy grandpa’

please bear with how much i’ve written. want ad here. buffythevampireplaya#3832 for plotting <3

history

nobody is entirely sure how coltrane grew up so fast- like way too fast. many, including his own parents, believe that he literally came out of the womb as an old man, which is probably true even if not scientifically proven.

his parents named him after the jazz musician, whose music had been playing on their first date and whose song, ‘my one and only love’ had been their first dance. he was the oldest of 3, and his younger siblings had been named in a similar manner as miles and ella. he’d always felt they’d got off easy- why’d he not just been called john? it was somewhat of a mystery to him, and probably only made him seem more ridiculous than his personality alone did- maybe it was a premonition, given how normal his siblings were.

colt was the kind of kid you heard before you saw. not that his appearance wasn’t striking- covered in mud a lot, hair sticking on end and a judging look that was way beyond his years. but he had the kind of voice that boomed through the masses, cut through the babble of the rest of children whenever he expressed his thoughts or opinions. he was extremely capable of speaking his mind, particularly in situations where it could be interpreted as bad behaviour. primary situations where this took place were in the classroom, particularly when talking back to a teacher, or when his parents said something that he thought sounded fishy.

he was sceptical and critical from a young age; he stopped believing in santa before he’d stopped wetting the bed. some teachers took this as a sign of a sharp mind, some untapped genius that would one day rear its head. but whether it was due to laziness, pure disinterest or genuine lack of intelligence, his academics never took off.

coltrane scraped by enough that he got into college in maine- a quaint, tedious place him that was full of people he revelled in making snarky comments at. it was while attending college that he began going to parties- drinking became a huge part of his life, and he suddenly found a distinct appreciation for alcohol and its many forms that he’d never anticipated having. he also acquired quite a few chef-y skills, which meant that he made deli sandwiches and pasta better than half the people he knew. he worked at a bar throughout a majority of his college career, drinking with patrons and generally being his own brand of rude to most punters who had to come to love his brutish ‘charm’ in some way- being heckled was part of the experience regulars came to enjoy during his tenure there.

it was at the bar that he met nina- a history student who for all intents and purposes was complete sweetness and light versus his dark cloud of a personality. his immediate reaction to her appearance in his workplace was to cower away, being extra rude to combat the bright, toothy but entirely beautiful look she brought with her. as a bartender with a startling lack of people skills, it was his instinctual reaction to be rude to her, dropping her drinks sloppily on the counter without so much as looking in her eye, returning tips and outright ignoring her sometimes. for some unbeknownst reason, his confused tactics worked and she asked him on a date.

the moved in together after they graduated; neither sure what they wanted to do, but with enough money saved up but they could probably just about survive. coltrane found some success doing stand up comedy; his brand of offbeat misery seeming to blend perfectly with what was missing in the comedy scene. in his spare time, he drove taxis- anything to make the money churn. it wasn’t much money but they could get by and seemed relatively happy.

they’d been together for around 5 years when coltrane mustered the courage to propose. it had never been on the cards before- he didn’t entirely believe in the sanctity of marriage as a jaded college kid, and as someone with very little money he’d never found the belief that he had a lot to offer. but he took nina to a fancy restaurant he could just about afford having saved for a little while, with a little box in his pocket. he knelt on one knee, held back his grimace at the gasps of people who had nothing better to do than getting involved in their private moment, and thrust the box, lid open, in nina’s face.

he thought that he’d done the right thing when he eyes suddenly flooded with tears. but it took a moment for his smile to falter; a moment longer for her to reveal that she’d got a job as a curator in texas, that she’d been waiting to tell him that she wasn’t sure she was in love with him anymore. it broke him, and for a brief moment, he stepped into a black hole even bigger than himself. within a week she was packed up and moving on, and he was preparing to cohabit with a bunch of people he’d come to call his best friends.

it wasn’t long after this that he discovered podcasts, and someone encouraged him to give it a shot. his particular style of comedy, ranting and moaning, would work well in the format, he was told. he bought a cheap mic off amazon and hooked it up to his laptop and some free software- barely edited the clips, didn’t even touch the balancing. to begin with it was just for his own benefit, a way to release his pent-up anger over being heartbroken and having to completely move his life to somewhere else. but after a few episodes it started to pick up steam, and he suddenly found himself in talks for a contract and acquiring sponsors.

within a year he found he had enough money to give up the driving, and it wasn’t long after that that he found he actually had an audience at his stand ups. nowadays he’s relatively successful; holding himself back because he doesn’t want to actually move across the country to make things easier, and unwilling to let the series become something polished, but definitely a step up from hunching over a $20 mic in his bedroom.

personality

basically, coltrane is just the grumpiest guy you’ve ever met. he’s pretty socially awkward (god knows how he gets laid), but has his own brand of humour which usually means he gets by. this humour consists of basically complaining about anything and everything; he has an uncanny knack for literally being able to pick out the flaws in anything he sees, and talking about it quite openly so it’s impossible to skirt around his opinions.

nonetheless, he’s genuinely caring and is fiercely loyal to his friends. colt is an absolute sweetheart who’d go to the ends of the earth for the people he loves even if they wouldn’t do the same for him (or he thinks it might be clinically insane/illegal). driving halfway across the country for the ‘best burritos in the us’? if you ask. breaking into someone’s house because they stole your favourite water bottle? hell yes if it’s your favourite! watching you have sex to critique your technique? ehhhhh .. no homo.

colt is forever hungry, and drinks more than an average human should be able to. he could be smart but who knows? he’s never put the effort in to find out. he’s a professional sleeper and has no understanding of how people can actually work out, and somehow has an innate sense of responsibility which means he works insanely well under pressure and is somehow completely on top of taxes, even if his insane mutterings would suggest otherwise. he talks to himself a lot, and has no idea who the ‘kardashians’ are (honestly, he could’ve been living in the bunker for the last 25 years). he pretends he’s got real ego and lbr when you’re as loud as colt you gotta have some ego, he rebutts everything by just accepting insults and rolling with them and if he could liken himself to any fictional character it’d be charlie kelly.

colt is a bit of a technophobe, wishes he could make moonshine and dreams of one day owning a brewery. he hoards vintage action figures and has more money than he knows what to do with (he could literally live on a mattress).

if there’s anything he truly fears, it’s having his heart broken again. he can deal with being alone- though he’s never alone because he lives with friends. he can deal with failure, having never had a real ‘successful career’ in his life (and actually has some real savings now). spiders and snakes are whatever. but having his heart broken in the way his ex girlfriend broke it would probably just kill him, and it’s a risk he is terrified of taking. he spends most of his time running away from women in case they turn out to be just like her, and while he’s almost completely healed he isn’t sure he could just fall back in love as easily as he did last time.

he’s somewhat insane- but love him goddamnit.