#screaming internally rn i hate myself

[bloodredfeathers]

When you post a writing piece after a long time of not writing and you feel proud of it but you get no notes whatsoever and start to feel embarrassed so you take it down after like a week hoping nobody noticed :)

[whatstruthgottodowithit]

Here You Come Again [Part Fifteen]

Fandom: Elvis Presley, RPF, American Actor

Pairing: Elvis Presley x Original Female Character

Characters: Elvis Presley, Addison Goodwin, Original Female Characters, Priscilla Presley, Colonel Tom Parker, Vernon Presley, Gladys Presley, Minnie Mae Presley, Marci Cunningham, Jerry Schilling, Red West, Sonny West, Marty Lacker, Joe Esposito, Charlie Hodge, Lamar Fike, Alan Fortas, George Klein, Memphis Mafia

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 8422

Summary: When Addison Goodwin was seventeen years old her life was turned inside out after a chance encounter with her past. Now, fifteen years later her life is the best it’s ever been. She has a home, a good job and a daughter she loves more than anything in the world but will all that remain when an old familiar face rolls into town.

Tags: Angst, Fluff, Graceland, Las Vegas, The International Hotel, Elvis In Vegas, 1970s, 1970s Elvis, Friends To Lovers, Rekindled Romance, Parenting, Time Line is Sketchy, Guilt, Betrayal, Teenage Pregnancy, Hawaii, Hidden Pregnancy, Jealousy, Sex, Absence of Parent, Single Motherhood, Trauma, Oral Sex, Tension, Addison's Dress

Notes: Feel free to hate me because I hate myself rn.

[there's only two chapters and an epilogue left and I promise it gets better x]

LINK TO ALL PARTS // LINK TO AO3 // LINK TO PINTEREST

Anyone would think that being on a vacation with your ex in the most romantic place on earth immediately after having shot him down for kissing you would be awkward. Well for the most part they’d be right. However Addison was finding that wasn’t the case entirely. As with everything that Elvis did she had found that where most people fit into a mould he didn’t and even though their situation wasn’t exactly an orthodox one he managed to navigate through it with ease. She had been in the middle of packing, folding her clothes neatly into her case when he had found her, coming into the room via the bathroom, watching her closely though she hadn’t realised he was there.

‘Marty’s doing a last-minute run to the store if you need anything picking up,’ he said, his low gravelly voice capturing her attention and making her whip around like a deer in headlights. He smiled at her, kind of enjoying the way he had gotten her at odds – given he had spent the night the same way after their kiss.

‘You scared me,’ she said, shifting nervously before she added, ‘I’m good thanks.’

‘Well if you think of anything just let him know,’ he said with a nod. Addison nodded, her fingers tracing along the edge of the suitcase behind her as she tried to think of what to say. If anything she wanted to keep her mouth shut. Everything had been going so well between them and she didn’t want to lose that, but as he turned to leave she found the words coming out of her mouth, ‘Elvis about last night-’

‘Forget about it,’ he said with a smile, sympathy in his crystal blue eyes that made her heart flip flop.

‘But-’

‘Addie honestly don’t worry about it,’ he said, ‘it was just a kiss.’

‘Just a kiss,’ she agreed though he could tell she was still over thinking it from the way she was gnawing on her lip.

‘Now c’mon,’ he smiled trying to reassure her, ‘we’ve got a vacation to get to.’

But it wasn’t just a kiss. It had been all she had been thinking about for the past two weeks. He had stayed true to his word and if she didn’t know any better she’d say that he had forgotten it himself. Yet the way he was around her made her feel as through that wasn’t the case. Their dynamic didn’t change. He wasn’t any more caring or attentive than he had been beforehand, but he didn’t pull away either, become cold or distant like he had the first time they had been working through their feelings for one another. No, if anything he had been pretty damn perfect.

Yet she was a mess. She didn’t know what to do about any of it. Her mind was screaming at her to pull away. That her priority should be Jess, making sure she didn’t get hurt. After all Addison had been the daughter of a mother who thought only of herself and she refused to put Jess through anything like that. But her heart was screaming at her the other way.

It hammered against her ribcage whenever he was near her, whenever their hands touched or he sat down beside her. Warmth spread through her chest whenever he laughed, the sound of it something she wished she could wrap around her like a blanket. And desire. Desire flamed through her whenever she saw him in the outrageously tight swim trunks he liked to wear as he frolicked in the sea with the kids or when he came down for dinner in a relaxed pair of shorts and a shirt – totally at ease and peace.

It made her want to give into those delusions. To believe that they could be a normal couple, on vacation in Hawaii surrounded by their family and friends. To believe that they could leave the family dinner and go back to their shared room where they’d spend the night together, no longer confined to small gestures, their desires allowed to run free. She wanted to believe that when the plane touched down she’d be home in Memphis and not trudging back to the desert heat, working endless shifts and trying to balance being a mom, running a house and working full time. She wanted to believe that it would be that easy. That Elvis could take care of her like she wanted, like she so desperately needed, that it would be fine.

But with every thought like that came a seed of doubt. It came when he placed his hand on the small of her back or his arm around her shoulders and no one batted an eye – his displays of affection with God knows how many women becoming common place to those around him.

It came when she looked at Lisa, a child now torn between two homes because despite the love her parents had for one another it hadn’t lasted. It came when she looked at Jess. When she remembered how he had promised her the world at seventeen years old and it still hadn’t been enough. How her daughter’s love had been the only thing to keep her truly afloat. How she wouldn’t have made it if it hadn’t been for her.

She wanted to trust her heart but it had been wrong before. At least when she listened to her head it made the pain hurt a little less.  

Their vacation was winding down and though two weeks of sun and sand had been nice the threat of normal life was looming. Jess and Addison were due to go back home, Lisa was due to fly back to California and Elvis was due to head out on tour yet again though this time only for a week. And as much as she had told herself that it was for the best, that it was what was needed for all of them, Addison couldn’t help but feel disappointed. Especially as she got ready for dinner, watching herself in the bathroom mirror, knowing that this would be one of the last times she would be doing it.

This time of day had become therapeutic for Addison. Whilst their days may have seemed lazy, only ever starting around noon, they were far from it. Elvis seemed to be intent on making this a fun vacation for the girls and so their days were spent on the beach, learning to surf or jet skiing, or in and around the pool playing endless games. Sometimes they were joined by some of the guys and their families, meaning that it was quite the rabble wherever they ended up, but sometimes they were alone, sitting out on the balcony of Elvis’ room as they watched the day go by. And though their nights were just as busy they felt completely different. Around dusk everyone would retreated to their rooms emerging back an hour or so later so they could have dinner where they’d spend the entire evening talking and laughing.

That hour had become important to Addison. It gave her chance to think, to breathe. Something that was becoming harder and harder to do whenever she was around Elvis.

As she slipped a new set of earrings into her ears, ones Jess had bought her for her birthday, she heard a knock at the door.

‘Are you ready?’ she heard Marci say from the other side. Addison gave herself one last glance in the mirror and then opened it finding Marci standing in front of her, practically leaning her ear up against where the door had been though she straightened up as Addison appeared.

‘Just need to get my shoes on,’ Addison said though as she looked past her friend she noted Jerry standing by the open door to their hotel room so she added, ‘you guys go.’

‘Are you sure?’ Marci said glancing at Jerry and then back to her friend.

‘Yeah, I’ll not be far behind ya,’ Addison said with a smile.

‘I’ll save ya a seat,’ Marci said before she headed to the door and slipped out with Jerry shutting it closed behind them.

Addison moved to the bed, grabbing her shoes from the closet so she could sit down and put them on. As she slipped on the tan wedges she found her eyes drifting around the room clocking every item that lay strewn around the place fresh from Marci’s wake of getting ready. Though it annoyed the life out of her that her room was in such disarray she couldn’t help but smile. Having her friend back for the past two weeks had been a blessing she couldn’t deny - a sense of normality in a chaotic world. Not to mention it had only taken being in close quarters for half a day before Marci had come clean about what had been going on with her and Tom.

She wasn’t happy. She had thought that her new life would be similar to her old one and that hadn’t been the case. Where she had expected to be able to start another shop, lay the foundations of their relationship before anything serious, Tom wanted to speed into a life together. He wanted marriage, he wanted babies, he wanted things that Marci wasn’t sure she was ready for yet and so when Elvis had invited her to join them she’d jumped on a plane without question hoping that Memphis and now Hawaii would bring clarity to what she did want.

It was news that broke Addison’s heart and made it sing at the same time. She felt heartbroken that her friend had been going through it but also glad that this might mean she was coming home. Which is why she hadn’t told her about her and Elvis’ kiss. She felt guilty that Marci had been sitting on all of this, unable to share it with Addison because of the whirlwind the last few months had been. She also didn’t want to sway her decision, force her to come back thinking that Addison would need her help getting over him like she had the first time. It was also why she hadn’t said anything as watched her and Jerry grow closer. Just because an old flame wasn’t right for Addison didn’t mean it wasn’t what Marci needed.

Once her shoes were on she grabbed a couple of pieces of clothing up off the floor and hung them back in the closet, smiling to herself as she went. It didn’t fail to amaze her how she had forgotten just how chaotic sharing a space with Marci could be. How their living arrangement had often felt as though Addison was living with two teenagers instead of one. And yet she couldn’t believe just how much she had missed it. How placing a couple of bathing suits up to dry properly could feel as though she was back home, before Elvis had strolled back into her life, when things were a little less complicated.

‘But were you happy?’ a voice in the back of her mind whispered making her snap back to reality. She wanted to say yes. That her life with just Marci and Jess had been a happy one. Because it had.

‘But Elvis makes you happy too,’ it reasoned. With that Addison slid the closet door closed with more force than she intended meaning the sliding door bounced back forcing her to repeat her action only gentler. This was what she had been living with. Every good thought countered by a bad one. Every bad one countered by a good one. It was exhausting, and she didn’t know how to stop it.  

So she did the only thing she knew would help and headed out to dinner given that being around people, especially the buzz of Elvis and his entourage or the giggles of the girls, often forced her to tune those thoughts out.

As she left her room she could hear the rabble not too far away. Given the number of people they had in their group they had practically commandeered an entire quarter of the resort and their hotel rooms were all on one flowing line opposite a view of the exquisite resort gardens that eventually led down into the beach. The stone walkway led off to a courtyard, one covered by a thatch roof that housed a table for thirty as well as a fire pit and seats should they want to stay there. That’s where she was headed but as she walked down the path the door one room up from her opened and Elvis appeared. The timing of it made her wonder if he’d been waiting for her but he looked surprised when he looked up and noticed her coming towards him.

‘Hey,’ he said as she slowed down, his eyes roving over her outfit for a moment though he pretended he hadn’t, ‘I thought everyone was already at dinner.’

‘Just headed there now,’ Addison said gesturing for him to walk with her which he did.

‘No Mar?’ he asked checking behind them before they fell into step beside each other.

‘She headed down already with Jerry,’ Addison said.

‘That so?’ Elvis mused.

‘Yep,’ Addison said with a wry smile. Whilst Marci’s love life had taken her mind off of what was going on between her and Elvis it had also helped them. It had given them a talking point, one that meant they could keep their relationship just as it had been before any of the kiss business.

‘Where are the girls?’ Elvis asked.

‘Joe took the kids down to the games room I think,’ Addison said.

‘Poor Jess,’ Elvis chuckled as Addison looked at him puzzled, ‘all those kids.’

‘I don’t think she minds,’ Addison said suddenly feeling guilty. Though she and Jess had spent a lot of time together on this break there were pockets when she was lumped in as one of ‘the kids’, something Addison hadn’t realised might not have been a good thing on Jess’ end.

‘Well either way I bet she’ll be glad of five minutes peace,’ Elvis said, they were rounding the corner now finding they were the last ones down to the dining area. Most of the kids were gone from the party now save for Lisa, Jess and Dee’s boys who had congregated at one end of the table.

As Elvis took his seat at the head of the table Addison slipped into the only chair that had been left for her next to him. Jerry and Marci were sitting across from her, chatting away to one another, something she didn’t fail to notice made Elvis smirk as he unfolded his napkin and shifted it onto his lap. Fortunately he didn’t say anything and dinner kicked off without incident.

Elvis was enjoying himself, in fact he’d been the happiest he’d ever been on this vacation. He didn’t know how she had such an effect on him. How the past fifteen years felt as though he’d been living his life as though he was watching himself on TV. He remembered it all, every moment lived and yet it felt as though it was this other guy. This Elvis Presley that was somehow him and not him at the same time. With Addison he never felt like that Elvis. He felt like her Elvis. That boy from Memphis.

He knew he’d never truly gotten over her, though he had moved on and for a time he had been happy. But now it felt as though there had always been something niggling in the back of his mind, wanting to pull them back together. That was why he hadn’t pushed her. He hadn’t demanded she be ready to get back together, after all he knew pushing her might only make her pull away and that would devastate him. No he’d let her see that they were good together. That they could be a couple this time, a proper one. No hiding, no caring about what anyone thought or said. He’d let her see that their lives could finally fit together.

He was watching her, enjoying the way she laughed as she told Joe a story he was definitely not listening to given he was too distracted by the woman telling it. There was something about her tonight, something he couldn’t put his finger on. He always thought she was pretty, even when she was chastising him it still made him hot under the collar, but tonight was something else. Her skin had a radiant glow to it, her light brown locks glinted with streaks of gold from where they’d lightened in the sun, and her eyes, her eyes sparkled as she smiled. He wanted to believe it was just the radiance that came with being on vacation but as she noticed him watching her, a smile playing on her lips as she took a sip of wine, he realised what it was. Love.

It made him smile too though he was forced from his thoughts as Jess appeared in between them, looking down on them with a sweet smile.

‘Everything okay honey?’ Elvis asked making her nod.

‘Yeah, I was just wondering if I could go back to the games room,’ Jess said.

‘Alone?’ Elvis asked.

‘No with the boys they’re gonna play pool,’ Jess said looking to where Elvis’ stepbrothers were loitering at the other end of the table. Addison glanced at them. The games room wasn’t too far away though she didn’t like the idea of Jess being split from the main group, especially as night had fallen. It didn’t help that the last time Jess had spent a substantial amount of time with one of the Stanley boys she’d gotten drunk though she figured from the nervous way Rick was watching Elvis that wouldn’t be a problem this time. Not to mention that what Elvis had said was playing on her mind. Jess had done her fair share of being lumped in with the kids, maybe it was time for her to have a bit of time being a teenager. After all it was her vacation too. She could feel Jess’ eyes on her and even though Elvis had spoken he too was now watching her, waiting for her final say.

‘Can I?’ Jess asked watching her mother closely, unable to tell if her decision was falling in her favour. If it was an outright no she probably would’ve just told her so but at that moment she decided to let Elvis take the reins. He was her parent too and she trusted his judgement.

‘If it’s okay with your dad,’ Addison said looking at Elvis.

‘Oh uh, sure,’ Elvis said taken aback that she had deferred to him.

‘Thank you,’ Jess said wrapping her arms around his neck in a quick hug before she tore off to where they boys were waiting. As she disappeared out of sight his eyes drifted back to Addison who smiled at him. It was a small gesture. A barely significant decision in the grand scheme of things but for once she had let him have some control. They’d worked as a team, instead of Addison out there alone. It was a small gesture, but it meant the world.

‘Can I go?’ came a little voice that captured their attention. Lisa was standing at his other side watching Elvis with hope in her little face that made him sigh.

‘I don’t think so button head,’ he said making her pout.

‘Jessie gets to go,’ she said folding her arms across her chest indignantly.

‘Yes but it’s night time and Jess is a lot older than you honey,’ Elvis reasoned.

‘Yeah, besides you don’t wanna hang out with a bunch of silly boys, right?’ Marci said with a smile as she tried to coax her round.

‘Yeah Memphis,’ Jerry said nudging her cheek with his finger, ‘not when you could hang out with us.’

‘What do you say honey?’ Elvis said watching her.

‘Okay,’ Lisa said though there was still a definitive pout on her face as she climbed onto Elvis’s lap. She sat there quietly for a minute, her head resting against his shoulder as she sat astride his knee but then Addison watched as the cogs ticked over in her brain before she said, ‘Daddy?’

It was a good tactic Addison couldn’t deny. Her voice was sweet as sugar yet there was an air of disappointment to it that made Elvis frown as he said, ‘yeah baby?’

‘Can we go to the beach?’ she said looking up at him with hope in her big blue eyes.

‘I don’t know sweetheart,’ Elvis said, ‘it’s getting late.’

‘Please Daddy?’ she said, her bottom lip jutting out so much Addison had to take a swig of wine to stop her smirk from being too noticeable. She didn’t blame him. The sweetness, the puppy dog eyes and the fact she hadn’t failed to call him Daddy instead of Elvis as normal was the perfect trifecta and Addison could see he was falling for it hook, line and sinker.

‘Okay, we’ll go down in minute,’ Elvis said quietly.

‘Ooh can we have s’mores?!’ Lisa said immediately brightening.

‘Whatever you want honey,’ Elvis said stroking her hair as she fell back content with the way she had managed to bend his will so easily.  

After that they stayed at the table for a while before eventually heading down to the beach. Whilst some of the group retired to their rooms a few couples joined them taking seats around the roaring fire Elvis had arranged to be waiting for them, along with everything they needed to make s’mores. Lisa sat between them allowing Addison to help her make s’mores though that didn’t stop her from getting a face full of chocolate which she didn’t think twice about wiping on her dress. And though she felt like teasing him something rotten for being able to be won over by a five-year old’s whim she couldn’t help but enjoy herself. Seeing him out there, unbothered and happy made her heart flutter.

Yet he wasn’t her Elvis out here. He was the new man, the one she was still getting to know, and yet the more she saw of him the more she felt as though the two versions of him could meld into one. As she watched him carry Lisa up the steps towards their rooms she felt as though this was what she wanted. All she wanted.

They didn’t take long to get Lisa settled. Jess was already in bed and fast asleep when they both walked into the girl’s room and with some silently skilled manoeuvring Elvis and Addison managed to get Lisa into her pyjamas and in bed without disturbing either of them. Yet as he clicked the door closed he found Addison watching him, that look of love back in her eyes.  

‘What’s the matter with you?’ he asked as they walked slowly towards Addison’s adjoining room, neither of them wanting to go much faster as that would mean the end of their night.

‘Nothing,’ she said with a smile.

‘No go on smart ass,’ he chuckled, spinning around to face her as they stopped outside her door.

‘She wanted s’mores on the beach,’ Addison said simply.

‘Yeah and?’ Elvis asked.

‘And you just gave her s’mores on the beach?’ she questioned. Elvis shrugged.

‘Why not?’

‘And if Jess asked for a car tomorrow?’ she probed.

‘I mean I don’t think I’d manage to get it past you but if she wanted one, I’d give it her,’ Elvis said.

‘Just like that?’ Addison asked watching his face closely. There was still a smile ghosting his lips but she could tell what he said next was serious, from his heart.

‘I love her. I have the means and if it’d make her happy I’d do it…’ he said looking down on her as he added, ‘wouldn’t you?’

‘I try my best,’ Addison said honestly. She did try to keep Jess happy as much as she could but that wasn’t always feasible. Sometimes she had to do what was right, what was best for her daughter even if that didn’t always please her. Elvis seemed to be the opposite. He seemed to bend to his daughters will, to make them happy, hence why Lisa could wrap him around her little finger. And yet she couldn’t see that as an entirely bad thing because he acted out of love. Like she did.

‘To make her happy?’ Elvis said moving in a little closer.

‘Yeah,’ she said placing a hand on his chest trying to keep him at a distance though it didn’t do much to stop him.

‘And what about you?’ he asked moving her hair off her shoulder as she peered up at him.

‘What about me?’ she asked.

‘What makes you happy?’ he probed.

‘Lots of things,’ she said quietly, the scrutiny in his blue eyes making her heart beat so loud in her ears she wasn’t sure she had even spoken aloud.

‘There’s nothing you don’t want?’ he asked, his thumb brushing along her jaw making her heart beat even faster though she didn’t know how that was possible, ‘what do you want Addison?’

‘To go to bed,’ she said pulling from his grasp as she laughed nervously, ‘night.’

‘Night,’ he said watching as she threw herself inside her hotel room, the door closing heavily behind her. Elvis sighed and headed to his own door, stepping inside before he closed it gently behind him, resting against it. He was barely there two seconds before he heard a knock on it and turned back to open it. Addison was standing on the other side.

‘Addie-’

‘I want you to kiss me,’ she said and before he could say anything else she flung herself forward their bodies hitting one another in a frantic collision as their lips met. Elvis pulled her to him, allowing her to kick the door closed before she moved them towards the bed, pushing him down on it with a thud. She was on his lap in seconds, her fingers working on the buttons of his shirt as he kissed down her neck, his lips warm against every piece of skin on offer. Yet before he could tackle any of the buttons on her dress she was pushing his shirt off his shoulders and climbing off him, stationing herself between his legs as her hands immediately moved to his shorts.  He wasn’t wearing anything underneath, the thin material of his shorts providing no barrier as she moved her hand against him.

‘Fuck Addie,’ he said. They should’ve slowed down. He should’ve taken time to absorb the moment, to enjoy that everything he had wanted for months, no years, was now coming true, but as she yanked his shorts from under him, her hand meeting his member as she swirled her tongue around his tip everything else was lost. As his eyes closed, his fingers running through her loose brown curls Addison continued to use her tongue against him. When they had first been together she had been a naïve schoolgirl. He had taught her everything and in those instances she had allowed him to lead, but not tonight. Tonight she wasn’t thinking about anything else other than what she wanted, what made her happy, even if that was how he groaned as she took him down to the back of her throat.

‘Ads,’ he panted, feeling his excitement speeding ahead with the way she worked him. He wanted everything she had to give and more but as he looked down and caught her eye he was snapped back to reality. He wanted everything but he wanted it with her. He didn’t want their first time back together to be some haphazard quick thing.

‘Addie,’ he said pushing her off him gently. She pulled back, moving to come and sit in his lap, her arms around his neck.

‘What’s the matter?’ she asked breathily.

‘Is this what you want?’ he asked, his blue eyes meeting hers as he watched for any flicker of uncertainty. It didn’t come.

‘Yes,’ she said.

‘Promise?’ he asked. He didn’t know why he was pushing, as if he wanted her to tell him no.

‘I want this Elvis. I want you,’ she said placing her forehead against his. He nodded, kissing her gently before he felt the excitement she had already created start to take hold once more. He stood up, her legs wrapping around his waist as she shrieked making him chuckle. As he placed her down on the bed she started to unbutton her dress, watching as he discarded his shorts completely and returned to hover over her, his mouth returning to her neck.

For a moment it was a frantic rush, a dash to get them completely barren of anything that separated them but once they were both there, everything seemed to slow. Fingers danced along skin, kisses became more languid and passionate, and they seemed to meld into one.

‘You ready?’ Elvis asked from where he had moved to kneel between her legs. She was resting on her elbows, watching him with a smile before she nodded. Elvis didn’t need to be told twice, instead he eased himself in with a groan, moving back so he could kiss her as he started to move his hips. She felt like heaven around him, the content little sigh she offered as he buried himself in her neck music to his ears. His could feel his climax coming, threatening to spill over any moment as if he was some teenage boy who’d just gotten hold of his first playboy, but he made him pace himself. Instead of focusing on his own excitement he watched her, committing every moment to memory, the way he had the first time they had ever done this.

He watched as her eyes fluttered closed, how her chest heaved against his, how she wrapped her legs around him forcing him to go deeper. He listened to her breaths, each now coming a little quicker and punctuated by moans as he did something to elicit them, immediately repeating his moves whenever they came.

‘Ads…honey I ain’t gon’ last much longer,’ he said with a groan as he felt that coil in his belly move to take over. Her eyes fluttered open at his voice, a smile on her lips.

‘I’m right behind you,’ she murmured, her fingers stroking his face gently giving him the go ahead. Elvis shifted, pulling back until they were no longer entangled and instead he was kneeling, her pulled onto his thighs as he moved in and out of her, his fingers playing with her clit as he did. Her head fell back with a moan, her own hands caressing her chest as she fluttered around him.

‘Fuck Addie,’ he grunted, any tenderness now thrown to the wayside for want and need.

‘Right there,’ she panted, ‘oh fuck.’

‘I’m gonna cum,’ Elvis said feeling himself start to spiral. Then she clenched around him and he was gone, spilling into her as she hit her own stride her walls locking onto him like a vice until he was completely empty. As he pulled out he flopped down beside her, immediately moving her onto her side so he could take in everything. Her eyes only opened as his hands found her waist and they fell quiet for a moment, Addison’s finger tracing the planes of his face as he watched her – his heart so full he thought it may burst.

‘Addie,’ he said after a moment but she shook her head silencing him.

‘Can we just do this for a minute?’ she asked hesitantly, ‘no autopsy, no dissecting, just…this, please?’

Elvis watched her. It didn’t escape his notice that she was employing the same tactics Lisa used whenever she wanted something. How her expectant gaze tugged on his heart strings. He could see she was hesitant, nervous even, that was why she was asking. But it didn’t worry him. That glow from before hadn’t gone and he could feel the love there, lingering between them. So if she needed him to take a minute, to allow her to breathe, he’d let her. He give her what she wanted.

✵✵✵

When Addison woke the following morning she was tucked into Elvis’ side, her hand on his chest, the steady thump of his heart underneath her fingertips. Yet it brought her no comfort, not when she knew she’d have to break it.

She’d allowed herself to lose focus, to give into what she wanted rather than what was best. When it came to her daughter she could make those decisions in an instant but he had this thing about him, this way of making her lose all senses. Senses that only came back into play when everything came back down to earth with a crash. She had spent the night watching him, analysing the planes of his face as though this would be the last time she’d ever see him. The way she had the day he had left for the draft. She supposed it was in a way. This was the last time he’d be with her like this, the last time their relationship would be truly okay before she wrecked it. And yet she couldn’t risk not doing. At least if she was the one to do the wrecking, if she got out before it all became a disaster she could minimise the damage. For all of them.

As he started to stir she realised she couldn’t lay there any longer. If he woke up and she was still in his arms it would give him hope, hope she’d have to spark out. So she slipped out of bed, throwing her discarded underwear on before she grabbed her dress off the floor. Yet as she started to button it he stirred, noticing he was lying in bed alone which forced him to open his eyes properly.

‘What’cha doing?’ he mumbled rubbing his eyes before he propped himself up on his elbow.

‘We slept in,’ Addison said continuing to button her dress though she refused to look at him, ‘the girls are probably wondering where we are.’

‘Daddy’s got ‘em,’ Elvis said though when she still didn’t look up he felt ice form in his veins. She was backing out.

‘Addie,’ he said moving towards her, wrapping the sheet around his waist as she picked her discarded shoes up off the floor.

‘I should check on them,’ she said though before she could get away he grabbed her by the waist, holding her still which finally forced her gaze to fall upon him. Her face was riddled with guilt, a quiver playing on her lips as he said, ‘Ads please don’t do this.’

‘Elvis,’ she said thickly.

‘Don’t, honey please don’t do this,’ he said, he was sure it sounded like begging but he couldn’t bring himself to think about pride at a time like this, ‘last night, last night you said you wanted me-’

‘I know,’ she said, tears brimming in her eyes.

‘So don’t do this,’ he said stroking her cheek, ‘please let’s just get back into bed and be what we want to be.’

‘I can’t,’ she said, her hand clasping around his wrist though she didn’t push him off unable to bring herself to get rid of the only comfort she had.  

‘Why not?’ he said, ‘I thought we were finally-’

‘I thought so too,’ she said sadly, ‘but I just can’t.’

‘Addie,’ he said as she pulled his hand away and moved towards the door.

‘I’m sorry okay,’ she said, grabbing her purse off the floor, ‘I wish I could but I just can’t. Not again. I’m sorry.’

And then she was out the door barrelling down the stone walkway outside towards the patio area. She could hear him calling her name, unable to get out of the door to follow her quick enough given that he was still undressed. Tears were brimming in her eyes now, but she forced them back hoping she wouldn’t bring too much attention when she got to the courtyard. Fortunately there weren’t many people around and she found Jerry and Marci sitting at a table by themselves.

‘Hey, we were just wondering when you were coming down,’ Marci said though her smile disappeared as she noted her friend’s forlorn expression, ‘what’s going-’

‘Have you seen the girls?’ Addison asked cutting her off.

‘They’re on the beach with Vernon,’ Jerry said feeling just as worried as Marci was as he asked, ‘everything okay?’

‘Can you watch them? When they get back I mean,’ Addison said hurriedly, knowing it wouldn’t take long for Elvis to appear if he had chosen to chase her.

‘Sure, Addie what’s going on?’ Marci said reaching out to touch Addison’s arm but she moved it out of her reach, looking away as she felt those tears start to spill down her cheeks.

‘Just watch them please?’ Addison said and before either of her friends could protest she walked off heading in the opposite direction she had come. Marci watched her friend go. She knew she should probably chase after her, ask her what was going on, but she also knew her friend well enough to know that wasn’t going to help anything. Not yet.

Instead she flopped back in her chair with a sigh, finding Jerry’s eyes on her as he said, ‘what the hell was that about?’

‘I don’t know,’ Marci sighed, ‘but my guess is it isn’t good.’

‘You’re probably right,’ Jerry sighed the cogs turning in his mind for a moment before he said, ‘was she wearing last night’s clothes?’

✵✵✵

Addison didn’t come back that day. She didn’t even come back that night. The thought of facing Elvis, knowing he would watch her with that same heartbroken face he had looked at her with that morning was too much. Yet it didn’t hurt as much as losing him all together had. How knowing they’d been kept apart had torn at her, breaking her into fractions as she tried to jumble the pieces into something coherent enough to look after a child. It didn’t hurt the way being left on her own had, how much it would hurt if she were to lose him again.

As she lay bed, just on the other side of the hotel yet feeling a million miles away, she thought of everything.

She thought of Jess. She thought about how this might affect her. She knew she wouldn’t understand, not yet anyway, but she hoped that eventually she’d see that Addison was making the right decision. She hoped that she’d understand that this didn’t change anything. That no matter what happened between her and Elvis she’d always be her number one priority, like she had been from the moment she was born.

She thought of Elvis. She thought of how he had loved her both then and now. She thought of his touch, his lips murmuring loving whispers into her ear when he thought she was asleep. She thought of that boy who had fought for them and failed. She thought of that boy who had been torn away from her time and time again coming back a whole new man who had never failed to turn her life on its head.

And then she thought of herself. Well not herself as she was now but that scared seventeen-year-old. The one that had cradled her baby bump as she cried herself to sleep night after night wondering if the pain in her heart would eventually make it stop altogether. She thought of the exhausted twenty-year-old trying to comfort her inconsolable child enough to make her fall asleep when the only background music was the screams of girls on the set of the Frank Sinatra show, agog at the idea of Elvis Presley being back on US soil. She thought of the twenty-seven-year-old. The one who had to ignore the twinge in her chest as she listened to the old dears in Marci’s salon rave about the wedding of the century, Elvis and Priscilla.

She couldn’t protect any of them.

She couldn’t make any of them feel any better, heal the hurt in their hearts.

But she could do it for herself now.

She had to.

✵✵✵

To no one’s surprise when Addison awoke the following morning she found she was exhausted and she didn’t expect her day to get any better as she trudged across the resort back to where she should’ve been staying. As she walked through the beautiful scenery she couldn’t help but feel cheated, the sun shining down on everyone, yet a cloud of gloominess seemed to engulf her. When she reached their part of the resort she was relieved to find there was no one around, given the early hour she doubted that anyone would be up which was good because she didn’t feel up to seeing anyone else. The only person she needed to see was Elvis.

She stood outside his door trying to work up the nerve to knock on it. She didn’t know why it was this hard, it wasn’t going to hurt any less if she did it now or ten hours from now, but just as she moved her hand to knock it opened and a woman appeared, Elvis just a step behind her.

‘Oh, uh hi,’ the woman said smiling awkwardly at Addison who looked at her dumbfounded, yet the woman didn’t seem to give her much thought as she turned around looking back at Elvis as she said, ‘call me tonight?’

‘Yeah sure,’ Elvis said though his eyes didn’t leave Addison who was now looking away from the pair of them, a scowl on her face.

‘Well, bye then,’ the woman said before she glanced between them one last time and then headed off down towards the courtyard. Only when she was a way up the pathway did Addison look at him, irritation flaming behind her eyes.

‘You are unbelievable,’ she said, her jaw clenching as she felt anger surge through her forcing her feet to move as she headed towards her room. Whatever she wanted to say now was gone, replaced by anger and a sense of foolishness. Of course he had bedded someone else in her absence. She’d spent her life trying to get over him and yet he’d done it in a night.

‘Addison!’ he called, ‘Addie wait!’

‘For what?! Why you got someone else in there you want me to meet?’ she asked whipping around to find him a step behind her, regret plastered all over his face though it flashed to irritation at her words.

‘Hey you were the one who said no remember,’ he said quietly before he stomped off back to his room. He left the door open, anticipating she would follow him which she did slamming it closed behind her hard enough to make the wooden beams that kept the place together to sway in its wake.

‘So your immediate reaction is to jump into bed with someone else?’ she scoffed.

‘Believe it or not I wasn’t exactly feeling my best last night,’ he snapped making her run her tongue across her teeth, ‘what you don’t believe me? I mean it wouldn’t surprise me seeing as we don’t seem to know what each other’s feeling anymore. I mean I thought we were on the same page that night but then you just dump me like trash on the side of the road-’

‘It wasn’t like that!’ Addison objected.

‘Yeah, well that’s how it feels,’ he countered adding with a mirthless laugh, ‘I guess that’s just your MO.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Addison scoffed, immediately making regret flow through him. They were getting into dangerous territory and he knew it.

‘Nothing, just forget it,’ he said.

‘No go on, if you’ve got something to say, say it,’ she snapped, fury in her eyes as she awaited his answer. He knew he shouldn’t. He knew the words that were dancing on his tongue were bound to cut deep and yet he couldn’t stop himself. She had broken his heart and he wanted to hurt her just as bad.

‘Okay you want to know what I think?’ he asked as though her giving him permission would make it any more justified.

‘Hit me,’ she said sarcastically.

‘You’re selfish,’ he shrugged.

‘What?!’

‘You’re selfish. You pretend you’re not. You hide behind it pretending that you’re just thinking of other people but you’re not. You’re thinking of yourself. Doing what you want,’ he said honestly.

‘That’s not true,’ she protested.

‘Isn’t it?’ he laughed, ‘who were you thinking about when you stomped all over my heart yesterday? Not me. Who were you thinking of when you let me fall in love with you again? I mean did you have any intention of loving me back? Because when you said you loved me for some reason I thought you might be telling the truth-’

‘It’s not that simple!’ Addison shouted. Their voices were loud now, the hurt unable to keep either of them civilised as it poured out of them, fifteen years of anger pain and frustration rearing their ugly head.

‘Because of Jess?’ he asked.

‘Of course because of Jess!’ Addison screamed.

‘Really? Because I think she’s fine with it. I think she’s been fine with it all along. I think you’re using her because you’re worried about how it’ll hurt you. How if this thing collapses, which I don’t understand how you could believe that, how you’ll feel. Not Jess,’ Elvis spat.

‘Don’t I have that right?’ Addison said moving towards him, he was staring down at her, his jaw tight and his chest heaving from where they had been shouting but she pressed on anyway, ‘don’t I get to decide what’s best for me? After everything I’ve been through-’

‘And what about what I went through?’ Elvis retorted angrily.

‘Oh yeah I’m sure a pretty new wife and a cute little kid tore ya up real bad,’ Addison sneered.

‘How about not seeing my daughter for fifteen years? Where does that rate in the Addison pity scale,’ Elvis snapped. It was a low blow, he could tell from the way she inhaled sharply, the pain of the accusation hitting her square in the chest.

‘You said you understood,’ she said, quieter than she had been since this whole thing had kicked off.

‘I did.’

‘And what now I don’t want to get back together you’ve changed your mind? Now you can’t get me into bed I’m a bitch is that it?’ she said.

‘I’m just wondering when you’ll take off again. Hell maybe it’s a good thing I know about Jess. At least this time I’ll get a say in what’s best for her instead of you doing what you think is right like always,’ Elvis said bitterly.

‘How dare you!’ Addison screamed, ‘everything I have ever done is for Jess. She is my family Elvis. The only one who never left me.’

‘I left for us! To save us!’ he yelled at her, ‘hell I even got rid of the Colonel for you!’

‘I never asked you to do that,’ she replied.

‘No but I did it anyway! Because I love you Addison,’ he said his voice dropping in volume as his declaration of love spilled out, ‘but you can’t see past yourself to think about it.’

They were quiet for a moment, the tension in the air palpable as they watched one another. He had done enough, tore into her so much he was sure that any hope they had would be lost by now. He should’ve stopped. He should’ve kept the words inside himself and yet they were there once more threatening to come out as she watched him with pain splashed across her face. He wanted it to hurt. He wanted to make her feel the pain he had been living with the moment he had noticed she was going to bolt. And so he went for the thing that would hurt her the most.

‘You know maybe it’s better this way,’ he said with a mirthless laugh, ‘maybe it’s better if we don’t play happy families. Maybe it’s better if we just stay apart, hell, maybe she should stay with me full time.’

‘She wouldn’t leave me,’ Addison said in a whisper, ‘you wouldn’t dare.’

‘Wouldn’t I? I mean you got her for fifteen years why shouldn’t I? You know something? Maybe she’d be better off. She’d sure as shit learn a few things.’

‘Oh yeah like what? How to buy everyone’s love? How to pout like a petulant child when something doesn’t go your way?’

‘Maybe she’d learn that doing what you want, what makes you happy isn’t such a bad thing. Maybe she’d learn that you don’t have to be a god damn martyr all the fuckin’ time and that being miserable doesn’t make you any better than anyone. Maybe she’d learn not to run away at the tiniest hint of a problem,’ Elvis ranted.

‘That’s not what this is,’ Addison snapped.

‘Isn’t it?’ Elvis scoffed, ‘you know maybe the Colonel was right. Maybe you are just like Mona.’

He heard it before he felt it. The ear-splitting thwack as her hand slapped him hard across the face pain flooding to it in an instant though he didn’t know how anything could hurt as much as his heart did at that moment. His cheek was hot to the touch as he rubbed where hers had connected with it and yet it didn’t sting as much as the way she was looking at him did. It was a look of betrayal.

He knew he shouldn’t have said it, how his words would cut deeper than he had intended and given the way she was moving towards the door in haste he realised he was right.

‘Addie,’ he sighed stepping forward to follow her though she raised a hand to stop him.

‘Don’t,’ she said trying to remain stern though it was betrayed by the way she was gnawing on her lip trying to keep herself from crying.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said hoping she’d realise he was being honest.

‘You know what?’ she said sadly, ‘if you want me to stick around maybe you should stop giving me reasons to run away.’

And then she was gone, leaving Elvis standing there wishing he’d kept his mouth shut.

SERIES TAGS

@girlblogger2002 @sania562 @caitlin1996 @literally-just-elvis-fics @notstefaniepresley   @artlesson8892 @18lkpeters​ @velvetelvis @jaqueline19997 @elvispresleyxoxo @amydarcimarie @presleyenterprise @everythingelvispresley @elvispresleywife @lillypink @richardslady121 @lettersfromvenus @louisejoy86 @ccab

[xiaoluclair]

Lestappen for ship ask meme?

dawg u did NOT. okay okay, how Thought are we talking here bc. Yeah .

but… thing Is i've done a million quadrabajilion rambles on this site already.... how much more can i do i hear exactly 0.012 people ask. answer:

A Lot.

firstly, the tropes. the dynamics. the Classics u know the ones. ROLL CALL, we got: enemies to tentative acquaintances to friends to lovers, idiots in hate to idiots in love we got red and blue we got 2 sides of the same coin, he fell first i fell harder, slow burn slug burn sloth burn, the opposite of love is not hate it is indifference, he is more myself than i am, whatever our soles are made of his and mine are the same, we have fucking GOT.

secondly, the fukin. the pure Development??? of their relationship like im screaming into my hands rn no lie i fucking Love their development. the amount of Respect that exists between them, breathes like a living thing bc are you surprised by the pace of charles today? uh.. not really (internally: bitch??? why tf wd i be- ) he's a naturally skilled driver. that's always something you can admire. who do you think will win the wdc this year? i think max. i know how strong he is. (😃🔫)

thirdly, the History. they could fill libraries with their shared past, thoughts about each other (prbly more sharl about max, that boy deffo knows a Hate Boner), races, inchidents (WHICH btw max and charles both saying 'we've had moments' - as in plural???? hello????? HELLO-- ) and they talk about it to, they say in the end, we have been doing this for so long and i want to beat him as much as he wants to beat me. that's the way it is and the way it has always been. which also btW fits nicely into pt2 of Respect and that's on part four-

FOURTHLY, yknow when u try to hold convo with some1 n they just. Lack. like, ur tryna have a Good Time but its like chucking micropipettes of water at the goddamn sahara. yeah that = Sucks. Then we have maxnsharl: This Post. 'we were once in the round of free practice. the drivers were rolling the engines. but charles and max found themselves close together, began to push and almost focused, risking throwing each other out-' . and my tags: #the thought of them always pushing each other#always meeting one another move for move mind for mind#they Wanted competition they Found it in each other#and here it’s that Fire that Spark that Flame that PeePoo Racer Brain#they fanned that in each other…

fifthly, the Spec. the goddamn Spec. spectrum, if you will. how they go from ruthless on track, not an inch given bc they don't Do that, they're not Like that. and then they go from That to licheral heart eyes soft looks tender touch. softwiltedcabbage dot img as i Love to say bc it's True.

and sixthly, finally, climactically before eye fill an entire library: the SEX. dawg.. have you Seen. have u Ascended. bc i have . illegal.

.

seventhly i hate them theyre actually the worst ship on the grid. gross disgusting misaligned. votes for taken out back and shot: 1 (tumblr user xiaoluclair).

[yeets myself before i live the rest of my life answering this ask]

[kiisaes]

Hey, i’d like to hear some of your bakudeku/katsudeku headcannons since i saw some and they’re so cute😭💞i love your art so much, it’s amazingg keep it up!!

ty !!! 🙏

I'll be honest I don't really have any headcanons off the top of my head. I have to think really hard about those I like but usually I can point at a preexisting one and go "haha yes I like this one" without thinking of it myself =v=

I think my biggest hc rn - and it's kind of controversial bc ik ppl have different opinions on it - is that deku is just flat out gay. like that's his sexuality, he only likes men. I used to hc him as bi and I campaigned pretty hard for it, and regarding fandom ships I still don't mind shipping him with girls. (tbh with fandom ships, I kind of just disregard a character's sexuality hc entirely bc I'm a multishipper who thinks crack ships are fucking great.)

but vibe wise, as well as putting canon into perspective, he just feels so gay to me. he screams comphet. he's got some vague internalized homophobia where he's totally supportive if u're gay, but HE'S not gay. and there's no way he can be even though he very well could be. like just think about it. he was really only so shy and nervous around girls bc he's literally never interacted with one casually before high school. and after he got close to 1A and could, you know, talk to women, he lost any deeper attraction in them. literally what happened with him and ochako. that's just how I feel anyway, but he won't admit his natural drift towards men (bkg) and his emotional hangups on men (bkg). he hangs out with men (bkg) way too much for him to have any serious interest in women imo

anyway this is just my take, you can hc deku as whatever sexuality you want!!! I still think bi deku has so much flavor like yass be the disaster bi u were meant to be!!! but gay deku just speaks more to me nowadays, I guess

ok upon thinking long and hard, I have come up with these silly hcs as well:

they are both bad at verbalizing their feelings. dk is overall horrible with emotions that pertain to himself so he just doesn't dwell on his very obvious crush on bkg. he just thinks that it's normal to be obsessed with another man. like lol hes been doing it since he was a baby. it's not anything more. he is NOT gay. straight men can appreciate everything about another man and more! just bestie things! and bkg has accepted in his heart that he is gay for dk but u are NOT going to hear him say it. sorry but that man does not know how to even start a convo about this. he'd probably want to, but knows he'd fuck it up and dk would miss the point. he'd probably just tell dk to fight him and then make out somewhere down the line bc it's easier and less embarrassing to him. little does he know, HE'S embarrassing and I hate him.

so u know the whole "bkg is an early bird and dk is a night owl" hc? and how it's technically canonically wrong? yeah. I'm obsessed with how wrong it is. bkg going to bed early and waking up late is so real of him. he just really fucking loves to sleep, and dk is the exact opposite. man goes to bed late and wakes up at 5 in the morning. he gets like 3 hours of sleep maximum and he's functioning perfectly. god I wish I were him

that one adhd vs autism meme but it's bkdk. u get to choose which ones which. maybe they're both

dk has dimples, one on each cheek! maybe bkg has one too. who knows

this is one I just thought of right now but it's like. part of the fandom bible that bkg can cook and dk cannot. however. I think dk can cook ok - fine enough to sustain himself - but bake REALLY WELL. bkg can cook bc he's "a natural" who can easily figure out exactly how to cook and spice foods. he doesnt need to follow a recipe to a T, he can just figure it out himself. dk can bake bc I'd imagine baking, with their meticulous recipe requirements, are easier to comprehend for him. he takes a shitton of notes on the daily, u can't tell me he'll eagerly read and jot down shit so his pastries turn out well. he'd prefer following step by step than winging it. does this make sense. words are hard

I always like drawing bkdk pretty close in height. ik lots of bkdks like a height difference but I prefer when rivals are pretty equal, and that includes how tall they are

dk's hands are coarser than bkg's, except around the palms, where bkg canonically has thick skin (so I'd assume there's some callouses there)

I like to think that bkg is good at basically anything, considering how he's a perfectionist. give him something to do and one week to do it, and he'll have a new skill under his belt. but there's a few things he can't do that trip him up so bad and make him so angry. like to me he definitely doesn't know how to whistle or roll his Rs. he just physically cannot. they're such pointless abilities but he hates how he can't do them. especially bc dk can definitely do both

dk keeps calling bkg "kacchan" bc it reminds him of a simpler time :') it makes him feel more connected to bkg than he initially is, and tacitly tells the class that he knows bkg best. also bc bkg never told him to stop so like ... why should he stop now. lol. and ALSO bc he's waiting to see how far he can go before bkg snaps. little does he know, bkg never snaps about "kacchan" bc that's dk's name for him. it reminds him that dk is always there, always calling out for him. and recently, it's a reassurance that he's still here, against all odds

ending this list with a classic but dk's favorite food is katsudon bc it reminds him of kacchan's name (KATSUdon vs KATSUki)

hope this is a good enough hc list anon!

[thehighpriestess1]

Man this entire chapter was a rollercoaster of emotions 😭

Throughout the entire exchange between Y/N and Satoru I found myself rooting for the both of them LOL. Obviously Y/N was valid for behaving the way she did but I do get where Satoru is coming from (even though everything is completely his fault). He just had two huge bombs dropped on him after all the mental anguish he went through a year prior so now that he found out she was alive this entire time AND they have a son together??? He’s never gonna let her out of his sight after this

I think the both of them need to just TALK. I don’t think it’ll fix everything because Satoru is forcing Y/N and their son into a dangerous fucking world against her will. He got his cake and now he wants to eat it. He thought that he would leave his life of luxury to stay with Y/N at the village, WHY CANT HE JUST DO THAT? He’s so infuriating and sexy ugh 😡 I want Gojo and Y/N to be happy with their family at the end but I know the road to that is long and full of obstacles 🥹

And now Yuri… sweetie might I suggest therapy? I find it hard to believe Satoru doesn’t notice her sadistic tendencies towards their employees? Does he not know? Does he just not care she does it? While it does seem like he doesn’t hold any romantic feelings for her and just enjoys her presence (at least how I took it), I wonder how he’s going to manage Y/N and Yuri. She screamed at an employee for “seducing her Satoru” what is she gonna do when his fucking WIFE comes back 😭

I’m both excited and scared for her to get humbled at the fact Satoru is probably gonna give her the Utahime treatment (I HOPE). I already know that she won’t go away without a fight though 🥹

Sorry for the essay again, I enjoyed this chapter so much and I can’t wait for the rest. Thank you for sharing your work with us ❤️🥰

Yeah they do need to TALK but there are some major trust issues between them so even when they talk they don't believe the other one completely.

Before meeting y/n, Gojo didn't feel anything. He didn't care about anything. So he didn't notice Yuri's behaviour because most of the time it was behind his back and when in front of him he brushed it off because deep down he didn't care for Yuri or the person she was messing with. His internal world was so messed up that everything that happened in the external world was basically just white noise for him.

Yuri is delusional! She thinks only because she has gotten every man ever she can get Gojo Satoru too. When he ignores her behaviour she takes it as he is so in love with her that he won't punish her ever.

Managing y/n and Yuri will be tough because he considers Yuri to be his friend (it's messed up but Gojo is messed up). Y/n and gojo have a very love/hate relationship rn so we'll just have to see how it unfolds.

You write your essay! I genuinely wait for it 💖 I can't wait to finish the next part because of god so much is going to happen!!!

[caliboron]

FUHCk I’m BOred. but I don’t want to talk to anyone! talking to people rn sounds aaagagggh in fact doing anything feels that way a a a a a . I want to draw but no I don’t but I want to play a game not actually ugh. I hate these moments where I don’t know what to do with myself. When I was a kid I wished I had the super power to stop existing for a while when I didn’t feel a purpose and then come back when things mattered again. I’m screaming internally 💕

[straykats]

kat omg tell me more about your gay panic experience (if you want of course!) i want to hear more about them!! and glitter blush oh my god that’s so CUTE

CLOVE I CANTTTT THIS SHITS SO EMBARASSINGGGGGGG so ill put it utc so i can feel less embarassed

and then in tiny too.

im ljke. screaming into pillow type of mood rn like this is so disgudtingly embarassing (i will use embarassing and disgusting a lot) and like if this was a show or a book or smth i would be oointing at the screen/page and yelling (endearingly) 'DISGUSTINGGGG' bc thats how ive been reacting to any romance these days

im just gonna go w using she/her 😭

like. i remember thinking that her outfit was fricken AMAZING like it was giving maniac type vibes w the black/green scheme (not even going to let myself think about the whatifs rn) but like ider what she was wearing man i 😭😭 her hair was green !! this is so much unnecessary info okay but BUT

yes glitter blush !! she was so. ray of sunshine excited puppy type of NJVILSDBKJVILFBHVHFS i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here im gonna scream again DEEP RBEATHS most endearingly cute person i've ever served in my entire life (which isn't saying a lot given that most of the customers/patients are older people) BUT also the most endearingly cute person i've 'met' besides maybe like. kids who i worked with on prac BUT THATS A COMPLETELY DIFFERNT TYPE OF ENDEARINGLY CUTE obviously

UM UMMMM um :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( may never ever see her again though im so sad. not that seeing her again will do anything.

BUT LIKE this is so embarrassing like just thinking/remembering about the way she nods (im not even gonna try to explain. like. round eyed small smile determined nod with like this really bright FUCK THIS IS SO EMBARAASING SHUT UP KAT SHUTUPPPPPPPPP) makes me all NFJDISVDSVKSV and i know nodding is such a weird thing to kind of pick up on but 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

but yeah after i tried to compliment her hair and make an absolute fool of myself (SEE!!!! THIS IS DISGUTING!!! THIS IS WHAT THEY SAY IN ROMANCE BOOKS!!!!) i was just like. internal war. do i make eye contact do i not make eyecontact (wearing masks so smiling was not a problem) BUT COULD SHE TELL I WAS LIKE. trying not to smile too much FRICK i hope my ears werent red god i hate it here i hate it i hate it i hate it

anyways 10/10 experience i hope to never be subjected to this again because thats just sad man like im never gonna see her again and if i do it's not like we're gonna become friends or anything 😭😭

and this doesnt even matter but i looked so tired and probably a mess bc i'd worked like. 7hrs where i had to run/walk really fast back and forth and my hair was probably loopy (idk if you wear glasses but i do and my hair on the sides/where the glasses go over ur ear ??? uh. yeah that. they kinda get all loopy idk why) and i was probably definteily speaking way too fast GOD first and last time this is happening i want to quit and hide in a hole

anyways lmk if u need a vomit bag or smth bc this was so disgusting and embarrassing

[llamasgotoheaven]

While this looks like a turd so far their faces r cute and the gesture is pretty much working

Also I’ve missed the they

It’s nice to draw tham

[juwon-ah-moved]

i honestly hate how my brain works... or well. doesn't work

[mimibtsghost7]

Fuck you and all your little brain washed rats sending people hate because you cant take responsibility for your actions!! But go on stay silent like you always do, pretend its nothing of your business, keep being a fetishizing racist delulu like you love to be while pretending to be the best blog on tumblr!!!

NOT like anyone will see this but YOU will so LET’S GOOO!!!~~

TW: mental health and more (if you feel like this can trigger you, pls don’t read this, breathe in and out and listen to this HERE and remember I love you), loads of tea and Mimi NOT being a friendly and kind ghost. 

funny enough: 

I never pretended of said I was the best blog. But I guess the fact that you say it might be because you heard it frequently? Thanks for thinking so^^

I sent hate to no one and u r the one sending it to me rn ^^ In my whole 4 year journey on Tumblr I received a lot of love but also worse hate that you can imagine. Yes you are saying now you are receiving hate ... funny how it’s bad when It’s addressed to you but when it’s at me and my dear followers it is not. Still, I never told anyone to go hate on you. You were the idiot that tagged my old blog and as soon as my blog was gone pple searched me and found out you were the reason behind this. But as you keep hating on me. Let me tell you I am kind but don’t mistake that for me being a coward.

I am not into insulting others and I don’t care much if you insult me. BUT don’t YOU DARE touch my dear followers. Insulting ain’t hard. Let me try: The only rat here is you hiding in your hole as an anon. I went and compared your writing with this ask and previous hate asks. And it was you~ Good for you~ the sewers smell just like your filthy mouth spilling sh*t left and right. So on brand. However, I know who you are @hobisbeautifulass Hi ^^

Me racist? HAHAHAHAH you truly know NOTHING about me nor my ex-blog’s message. It was a place when you were welcomed no matter your skin color, religion, gender ... proof? well it got deleted thanks to you. but ask around this time and search for who reblogged my posts as they were always the top of the tags (even if I don’t trust how bad you are at research). I supported the BLM movement and still do and will always do but I did so veeery early without anyone telling me. Not for the notes but because of my humanity. I wished my dear followers’ happy holidays no matter their religions. And never cared about those things. Why judge someone on something based on religion or how they were born. As for the LGBTQ+ community, I was always and will always be there for love being love. I talked about mental health and opened venting nights. I helped left and right and when I was receiving hate because of people like you spitting lies about me. What did I do? Did I go online and called people bad? No. I looked back at myself and asked myself if I did anything wrong. I tried to educate myself and apologized sincerely when I had to. I read books and watched documentaries to learn how to become a better human. AND never repeated a mistake twice. You tend to forget that our cultures are different and sometimes you grow up to see some things as normal when they are not. This is not an excuse tho, so I always believed that I was lacking and if someone had something to say against me, there is a chance they are right and just in case I should reflect on myself. But for your case it was pure nonsense. ME? a stalker? how can I stalk when I have social anxiety and at that time couldn’t even leave my room? I am even afraid of taking public transportations and just the other days I was crying from joy when I took a taxi alone. they said I was in Japan stalking Jimin and Jungkook and took a pic when I was NEVER EVER was on that land. You put me on the same list as people who bought info about BTS’ flights to be on the same plane as them? I was stalked before and let me tell you it ain’t cute and fun. I am even scared of the idea of being followed. that’s why I never shared openly my age, country, or anything about me on my blog. that’s why I have no personal social media to this day and that’s why making my ex-blog was some sort of miracle in my life. 

Silent? yes I was silent when I received hate and didn’t even vent to my dear followers or pointed fingers. Why? because I thought as my day was hell I shouldn’t make anyone’s day worse. I was worried about my dear followers with mental illnesses being triggered. I tried to take my life so many times I lost count but I still came here and smiled. It was my safe place and you took it away. Yet, I should pity you? You hated on me first for no reason and you know it deep inside but right now you are trying to convince yourself that you are the angel and feel no guilt. Compared to you. I pointed fingers at no one and didn’t name you when my blog was gone. Why? because compared to you, I thought you will not be able to manage the hate and what was done .. I didn’t want you to suffer the same way I did when you are the one who made me suffer the most the past couple of days. But the kind Mimi is someone you will never remember because you dared touch the friends I love and calling them names. I don���t mind people insulting me but don’t you dare touch my people. I know myself best. My dear friends/followers know me best. I thought ... I could leave without this mess but you keep barking in my ask box and it’s annoying. I left this backup account just to talk to my friends and yet you are here to ruin things again? I should stop being kind to the ones who deserve non of it. I ignored you when I had so many followers and you went silent too because you were scared of me. But as soon as I lost my blog because of you, you went, edited and then reblogged that stalker post. How can I be a stalker? do you even know the definition of a stalker? do you even know shame? well .. I don’t think so.. you said it yourself. You are NOT ashamed (and you reblogged that so many time lol). 

Death threats? this is no competition but thanks to people like you I have been there and wish no one to be there not even you. The only difference is that you almost killed me for real. You were not the sole reason? Great job walking away from you beloved word: RESPONSIBILITY. And I didn’t get just anon hate, I got literal tagging by people like you, DMs, and people pointing guns at me. That’s why I didn’t mention you. I was worried about the one who took away what I worked for for 4 YEARS. I was more sad and concerned about the ARMY fandom here. Do you know how many rely on my updates? do you know how many people said I helped them? do you know any of that? do you think 200k people were “rats”? Do you think if I did and say wrong thing I will not be questioned by those people. I always told my dear followers: “friends, if I do or say anything wrong or share anything that hurts anyone please tell me. I am willing to learn from everyone.” But what did you know? what did you do? Well ..  guess you love notes? As the most notes you ever got and the most attention was when talking about me? 

Love how you talk about fetishing when my blog was what people call “family friendly”. I also like BTS. I love them for their music, talent, personalities and the happiness they give me. I also enjoy BTS’ bond and love their interactions. I posted content of all kinds of interactions JM X JK, JK X V, V X JIN, JIN X SG, SG X JH, JH X RM, RM X JM ... If you are calling this fetishing asian men just because I scream over BTS as a fan and love their bonb. Then aren’t you against the idea of being an ARMY? I was a clear OT7 and you were told that you weren’t right: 

 Then you answered this without even explaining the nonsense about me: 

idk .. I am trying to find sense in your nonsense so .. wait wait let me look at the definition of fetishism first. 

Fetishism /ˈfɛtɪʃɪz(ə)m/ noun: a form of sexual behavior in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, activity, part of the body, etc.

Then .. judging from your URL alone hmmm ... cute. I won’t even talk about the SMUT you write that is full of kinks and fetishism. Well I have no problem with fan fiction but the irony you spit is out of this world.

Also, I made money out of mimibtsghost? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH no lil one. I worked day and night for FREE. At some point when BT21 just came out and there were no products on AMAZON or anywhere but S.Korea, someone reached out to me to offer 20% off or something for my dear followers. When they asked what I wanted I said what about international giveaways for my dear followers. Basically, made gifs, found content, updates, analysis, edits, and so on for free. Again, w-wait .. Aren’t you the one asking for commissions? Well .. It’s not wrong. But again THE irony. 

So, I went to see that post you made about me with “PROOF” and it was just another person who was salty as I got them blocked I can’t even recall who they were but oh well. Their arguments according to YOU and many should be taken as FACTS just because they said them?  You said HERE that your first comeback was MOST:7 that came in just last year (2020) SO what the hell do YOU know about what happened years before you came when all the proof you pointed at where baseless without any backing?

Let’s see this so wise person you used to delete my blog and what I have done ^^

The gifs: There is a story to this. The first week I came to Tumblr, It was my first time on this site and the first time I share anything. I shared some content and my analysis had a lot of notes for a small creator that started just a week ago. But I made a mistake, I found a gif and posted it while crediting the gif maker. At the time I had NO idea it was wrong. I logged off and after 5 hours I log in and there was a WAR for that ONE gif. The big blog had me blocked and her friend was telling me to take it off. As soon as the person told me I did IMMEDIATELY and apologized againa and again and told them to tell the original gif maker to deblock me as I want to apologize directly and that they can block me after that. They did and I apologized but they just kept insulting me. Of course it was MY mistake and that’s why I apologized. But for them. for a mere gif (yes I say a mere gif because I made so many gifs and they were used on all platforms but I never thought it was necessary to hate that much on someone like they did to me). That blog was big and had big blog mutuals. Thanks to that, I became someone you do NOT become mutuals with but block and never reblog content from. Without any big mutuals. Without any shoutouts. Only my love for BTS, my dear followers’ support and my hard work.. My blog, became bigger and FAST (I got 10k in less than 6 months after I started) and that brought loads of jealousy and thus more rumors. Even if, I apologized and since then made my own gifs. And I made SO many gifsets that I can’t remember how many there were. What I can recall is at some point I made them daily and many times a day.

Ships Jikook? I posted content of ALL the members interactions. I was here at a time where Jikook stans and Taekook stans where always fighting. BUT I posted about both and even made so many posts to encourage loving all the members and all the interactions. I also used the tags solely used for shipping with other big tags to show that BTS’ interactions are all important and their bond is beutiful. That our fandom shouldn’t hate on a member just because they are not part of a ship we like. And wait .. even if I shipped Jikook? I got called ALL those names by someone who ship the members with readers and write sexual scenes? Like, wait ... I am truly confused. Like, write fanfic and do all you want as long as you hurt no one I guess but why am I getting hurt for doing non of it? Like according to you, the person you should be cancelling is yourself?! I am also not into cancel culture like you so hahah whatever.

Posted stalker pics: well wow the story changes each time. Next thing you will hear that I was the one holding a camera for a member in a Vlive lol. Let me teach you about this update thing I was doing. I follow accounts I trust and that’s how we get info circulating fast. I always do reasearch but sometimes mistakes are made. For example when lately people shared pictures of BTS leaving their virtual concerts and schedules. There was a watermark of a news outlet. Normally we trust those but only later we realized that those people stalked BTS. You clearly can’t know it all. But I still didn’t share many pics related to many events (I will not name those as pple can search them even now because some pple never deleted those). And all big accounts shared many pics then deleted later. This happens all the time but it happened like ONCE for me. However, I am called a stalker for that? 

When Jonghyun passed away ... I don’t even wanna recall that night as the memories just ... when that happened I posted about it and send my condolescences. that post had over 10k notes and was at the top the tag. Why did I do that? I was devastated. Yes, many were but I will talk about me rn: I was suicidal the days before that and one of the songs that I listened to when I was broken where by him. I has been in the kpop world since 2006. And learned about his group since their debut with ‘Replay’. I was never a stan but I still knew of many groups and listened to all the songs I liked. I was very sad when he was gone and ANGRY mostly. Why is this angel leaving? Why is someone like me still here? Why did I not leave instead of him? How much did he suffer? And in the midst I posted a post from twitter that stated how agencies usually put down pple with mental illiness and hide it in the industry. Yes, that was important but NOT at that time. I shouldn’t have posted that and I realized after 5 min of doing so that it was WRONG. So I deleted it FAST but it kept being reblogged and I kept getting hate and people telling me: “Go kill yourself”... the sad part is that I almost did as my answer was “true ... why am I still here?” I apologized and logged off then to this day won’t forget crying at 3 AM while walking outside next to my dad. I was outside as I couldn’t breathe anymore and the idea of seeing the walls of my room was hell. I cried and cried and the teary eyes that my father looked at me with are something I am ashamed of to this day. To add one more thing while I am spilling the beans. I hate learning about someone dying. My grandma passed away sometime before that and it was so shocking to me. and some people came and told me when I was mourning her: Go follow that bitch of grandmother of yours. And for what? At that moment I didn’t think I would live to see the next year but I went to therapy and took medecine that was hurting and made me shake all day just to turn somewhat sane. No one knew tho ... I smiled all day and cried all night.. Even on the blog I fought no one of the ones who hated me. I just blocked them but even that was an insult to them?

Again, you said no one should defend me. Yet, you were ready to fight whoever touched anyone around you. What about changing your URL to beautifulassirony

Also THE hypocrisy. If you are sorry then why are you answering an ask of someone isulting someone you want to apologize to? Just make a post wher you apologize or ignore it from the start?

One more thing but surely not the last. You said you were good with research which you are NOT. So, let me show you what an OG detective ARMY can do. But first, as I was scrolling I saw some of your “work” (let’s not even talk about those gifs) and I am just giving my point of view here: I hate how you painted Namjoon as this horny-idiotic-make-dog. Like I get it it’s a fanfic or Namjoon as a dad but ... Namjoon is such a smart man who is very respectful and ofc he is a human with needs like many but what the hell is this way of portraying a character? Also a character is not cool, amazing, and a strong woman just because they curse and belittle their partner. 

Oh well, only you kept reblogging that as it show 36 reblogs when only 33 as still there when I looked and out of those 13 reblogs are yours? (you might have reblogged it more) but again some people might have liked ... people have different taste ... so ... whatever. 

Let’s continue, shall we ^^. You said you were the victim here when I was the one getting robbed right? How can I believe someone who reblogged the post below and was proud calling themselves an abomination or how the Oxford dictionary defines it:  a thing that causes disgust or loathing. For once you weren’t wrong.

What can you expect from someone who has the “I am not like others” kinda mentality while stating relatable things that everyone goes through?

This is getting pretty long. So to sum this up. You are now telling others that hate is NOt ok and that they should be ashamed of themselves when you yourself is not ashamed of hating on me?

I am not the type that sends anon hate. I might ignore some barking but the past days you came and bite me hard. I face the ones I have to face without fear. I know I am not the bad guy here and I don’t care much what you think about me. Even BTS got haters. This says a lot. BUT do NOT dare talk badely of my dear friends/followers. You said you do research well? Start by deleting the post below that was originally by ME from your blog ... oh how meticulous you are. From your baseless receipts to your twisted logic. Indeed people on the internet can say anything and it will be FACTS. You painted me as the devil and painted yourself as this researcher? What’s next you receiving a Phd in ‘pity me’ after your MBA in lies and irony? Whatever~ 

Whaaatever~ Karma will have upcoming talks with you. No need for you to apologize. I never cared about you and you only got attention using me. But I am not here anymore how will you get that blog running now? Are you gonna add me in a fanfic next? No need for you to send me my appearance fee when you do so~ And no need for you to apologize to me just apologize to you conscience if you have any left.  As for me @hobisbeautifulass​ you are just someone I will forget soon anyway~~ 

And because according to what you said HERE when you described the things you hate about people and I thought that was VERY close to how you treated me. Thus, you might really not stand yourself rn.

Do.Not.Worry. BTS are starting the Love Myself campaign again and just in time for you to jump in (you are good at jumping to conclusions about me so I won’t worry about you). I know you don’t like me or my friends but be sure to love yourself at least ^^ 

You are a Hobi stan? Then learn from Hobi to share some sunshine not bring the storm. Have a good day~

[tedricknivison]

Characters- Connor

A SWEETHEART

Please omgs deserves every good thing

He and Schlatt met on a “Gay Teens Hangout” Amino when they were 11

(Too young, yes, I know)

There was a whole little friend group, they moved from Amino to Discord pretty quickly lmao

They all knew Connor as “Olivia” at this point though- OliviaEatsPants

(He’s trans ftm, didn’t know it at 11 though. He thought he was a lesbian)

Actually, the “-EatsPants” username comes from a funny little story; when he was younger, maybe idk 5?, he saw some cookies or something shaped like pants

Immediately made his parents buy out all of the pants cookie boxes

Would cry if they tried feeding him a meal without a pants cookie

So they kept buying the cookies until he got old enough to be able to Live even if he didn’t have at least one per day

(They’re still like his favorite food though, he gets them whenever he can)

Oh yo segueway to talk about his parents lmao

They suck so

[Angst- homophobia, transphobia, Lots of uhh Poor Parenting Choices]

Yea I hate them lmao

Somehow Connor’s parents are stimultenously super helicopter-y and completely Absent?

Idk I don’t get it either

His mom will like scream and yell about something he did at school (like? Do poorly on a test or something?) for two hours straight and then completely ignore him crying every night for four weeks lmaoo

He was super sheltered as a child, but instead of slowly adjusting him to the Internet they just gave him a phone in like 4th grade and basically went “go ham”

So. Welcome To The Internet by Bo Burnham plays basically

Immediately finds his way to All the social media sites- tumblr, Discord, Amino, fucking MySpace idk

Finds gay shit- “oh wow I can like women? Nice!”

Tries mentioning lesbians/lgbtq+ community to his parents

That was a mistake oh no

Lots of yelling and screaming and “I hope all of those f*gs and d*kes die” like stfu its not our fault you’re failing as a person

Somehow “And don’t even get me started on those tr*nnies and tr*ps” comes up and. Ouch

That hits Connor (currently Olivia) extra hard

“welp I guess I better distance myself from These Ideas right now!!”

He does, for bit

It gets harder (living with his parents)

So he makes his way back, because at least there were people who seemed to care there

Meets Schlatt!!! Has a friend group!!!! They chat on Discord!!! (/pos)

Learns more about transgender people and the whole concept!!! (/neg, he doesn’t want to think about this but keeps. Going back to it)

Mentions it in the Discord friend group (a bunch of cis, mainly white, 11-16-year olds, who are mainly just gay or lesbian. Very few m-spec people, at least few who know so far)

That was also a mistake oh no x2

One of the oldest kids (15, chronically online, probably accidentally finds herself in a lot of TERF spaces and ends up internalizing the rhetoric)

She’s all up in here like “fuck no trans women are pervs and trans men are confused, don’t bring that up in this server. Don’t be ruined with their brainwashing”

Wow I Really Hate this random chick I just made up wow I hate it here

(Am I projecting rn? Is this me working through trauma?)

Anyways

That definately cements the closet that Connor’s in

He kinda hates himself a bit more now :/

But then this friend group starts falling apart, first this chick starts demonizing any sort of questioning the younger kids are going through, some of them get forced off of Discord/social media by their parents, some just leave quietly because gosh darn this is Toxic

Connor and Schlatt have been one of the “sets” in the group since forever, so they’ve stayed in tough, mainly talking in their private server now

They’re each others’ constant, they know just about everything about the other

Absolute besties, platonic soulmates (they just mean so much to me rn ok??)

But yea uh

[End of Angst]

One day Schlatt logs onto Discord just to see “ConnorEatsPants��’ in the place of “OliviaEatsPants” on the private story

Idk how old they are probably in 6th grade

Que- 

Schlatt, over Discord: hey o do you want me to call yuo connor now?

Connor, also over Discord: … yes please and also he/him pronouns? Thank you I was really very scared about this

Very chill and easy

Connor feels. So much better now

Even though he knows he probably can’t ever tell his parents, telling Schlatt is a big step in his own personal healing

There was a lot of building up to it lmao

But he did it!! Connor did it!!! And Schlatt is perfect and lovely and accepts him!!!

Schlatt asks later if he’s still a lesbian, to which Connor says “...no I guess not, I guess I’m straight?”

Very weird to go from being gay to being straight so it takes a bit but he gets comfortable there

Connor’s so happy when he hears that Schlatt is gonna be able to leave his house

He’s so jealous, but he’s so overwhelmingly happy about it

His bestie will be safe!!!

And he video/voice calls with Schlatt fairly often so Connor gets to know Charlie (and Ted) well enough

(They’re in the same or similar time zones so)

(Idk felt important to mention but I wasn’t sure where lol)

He approves of them when Schlatt tells Connor he likes them

Connor gets a bit worried about what it could mean for his and Schlatt’s future plans, but Schlatt’s there to reassure him whenever

Speaking of their future plans

They’re gonna go to college together

They’re gonna get an apartment together and heal and everything

They have it planned out very well, very in-depth

Connor uses a lot of escapism in his daily life so he spends a lot of time thinking about it lmao

Actually when they were younger, they entertained the idea of running away and meeting up somewhere in between their houses

Didn’t happen, fortunately

But it almost did, Connor did think it was an actual plan and not just talking about it

(He was a bit gullliable in 5th grade)

(Oh I am projecting huh)

Yea that’s all they’re besties and I love Connor

Schlatt always makes time for Connor, despite them Not Living Close and him having a lot of guard stuff

Connor always is there for Schlatt, probably the first person Schlatt cries around (over call but. Still counts) that he remembers)

[cataclysmofthemasses]

*Sees your reply to that Anon asking for an Astroturtle smut fic. Me, who has some explicit headcanons for the pairing* Oh no, please don’t judge me.

Seriously though I enjoy reading your TMS stories. The Astroturtle ones are my favorite. I have to ask, out of curiosity, do you plan on writing more Astroturtle stories? No I don’t mean ones with smut. I assume that’s not your thing.

Also, I’ve noticed that Mallard has become one of your favorites. Does this imply any possible fanfics starring him?

Hi anon! Nice to see ya :D

Future Cata here: this post is long, sorry! I tend to get excited and ramble :')

Not judging, honestly, as long as you don't go "hEY WRITE SOME SEX AND MAKE IT STEAMY" or drop into my inbox with "WatchMojo Top 10 Astroturtle Smut Headcanons" lmao.

I'm... well, see, on one hand I'm soooorta trying to figure out how to branch out into explicit stuff? Because a good author should be able to cover just about all major themes and topics? But also I'm definitely not taking requests for it (ever, do not ask @/people who think they can get away with it), I'm probably never going to publish it because I uniformly suck at it, and definitely not before I turn 18. So we can generalize and say "not my thing", it's not really my cup of tea so :').

(What is my cup of tea? Screaming into a Keep Notes draft and stacking as much trauma as I can on all my favorite characters to try to work through massive internalized homophobia/transphobia... Yeah, I've realized I have a "type", at least recently. Please give me good fluff fic ideas so I can write happy things again...)

Anyways, on to your questions!

Fun fact! I started an Astroturtle long fic draft like, after Season 3. It's been rotting in my works, maybe 1/3-1/4 complete, for over a year now, and I can't see myself getting back to it. A friend and I had planned it out together; now that we've fallen out massively, it further buried my already low desire to work on the fic. I could post what I have, but it feels disingenuous to pass it off as completely my own, and I don't want to stir up shit again with my former friend. Besides, it's not my best work (at least imo).

As for future Astroturtle fics, I do want to get back into writing them! But I also have a couple of other fics I'm working on. Hold on, lemme grab them. Not all are TMS though... Most aren't actually :')

- DSMP rewrite fic (Lies the Rebels Told Us, being updated as I write chapters which is HELLA slow but I definitely wanna get back into it. It's on Ao3 under my alt aphotic-serendipity. Fair warning, it's Schlatt-centric - I know a lot of people are not okay with him even as a character, so...)

- Definitely-never-gonna-be-canon oneshot of two of my favorite characters in a sorta-fringe game that people don't really write about. (King's Raid. It's so much fun, I love it, if you play I'll love you and give you tips and obsess over it indeterminately.)

- Backstory fic for my favorite RP character rn. (Probably never leaving that RP group tho bc I wouldn't have an audience, but I adore Shiloh, even if he'd hate me irl.)

- TMS Season 5 "Danganronpa"-esque fic. (Danganronpa in quotes because it is definitely not Danganronpa enough to qualify - you'll be able to tell I have never played the games. Saw another TMSxDangan fic and got inspired because - oh! one of my first followers (on my main, @tmsincorrectquotes ) writes some super cool Danganronpa stuff! tagging @mewmewchann here so you can check her out bc I adore reading Hope's Chains!! - so yea I saw what she's been up to and I thought "hey lemme try that but make it TMS!" haha.)

- One or two vague ideas that might or might not gain traction.

- And I can answer that Mallard question, because guess what? I WROTE A MALLARD ONESHOT A FEW DAYS AGO! It's my first real writing in a while so I'm stupidly proud of myself, bear with me. I'm either going to publish it today or tomorrow, depending on when I force myself to do it and if anyone reads it haha. And I think I have another idea in the works :D

As for Astroturtle... Outside of the aborted fic, I really don't have ideas for them rn - at least, not any I'd see myself writing. I'm always open to good ideas though! I'll definitely think a little more about them in the future and see if I can't get something to snowball :)

I tend to write oneshots in literally one shot, mostly from 11 PM to 2 AM, which does not mesh well with waking up at 4 AM for school (in New Jersey but remote learning at a Swiss university). In addition, life's been kicking me in the ass recently and I have a lot of assignments to do - off the top of my head, I have at least three, if not four, 1000+ word essays and a speech to do for/by next week. That's not saying I'm never going to write again, mind you, but don't expect miracles :')

Also, endnote - I'm so happy people still read my stuff!!! Like, I've had people who tell me over a year later that "oh my god I adored Double Stake or Split and it's made me ship Piquet and look at these headcanons" and I ALWAYS die a little inside from sheer joy. Btw, for anyone who might be so inclined: You can ALWAYS write inspired works from my stuff or draw stuff from it or design things or even animate them if you're that much of a god! Just please tag me (and credit please) so I can see them and simp massively. I love you all, really.

Okay, I've rambled enough. Cata out! o7

[anaslife]

Yesterday was Jess’ memorial. She was one of my best friends and she died last year in December. A bunch of the homies reunited at the memorial. I saw old friends I hadn’t seen in years and it was bitter sweet partially because Jess’ passing/getting to see friends and partially because I wasn’t able to hide.

It was a very hot day and I was wearing clothes that I felt ugly in…but I always feel ugly these days no matter what I wear because I’m fatter now and I don’t feel comfortable being seen at this weight. An old friend of ours, Suzy, was there. Suzy was the first friend to suspect and confront me about my eating disorder back in the day because she was a little older and she dealt with anorexia herself so she could tell. I couldn’t hide my problems from her, she knew all the tricks. She supported me by helping me get into therapy and she convinced me to go to that local ED group with her back then.

She doesn’t know that my eating disorder is still an issue for me, I didn’t disclose that it was when we saw each other at the memorial yesterday. I think she thinks that I’ve recovered like she has. My weight is higher now and I definitely don’t look sick to others anymore so she likely has no reason to suspect I’m still struggling. I also ate 2 Aji tuna finger-food appetizers in front of her even though my ED was screaming at me internally not to eat anything. I couldn’t help but notice that all our other friends ate but Suzy didn’t eat nor drink anything at all. I also noticed she looks just as thin now as she did back in the day.

I worry about Suzy but at the same time, it could all just be in my head. I don’t know if she’s struggling with her ED still or if she’s completely recovered. The sick part of my brain wants to compare our bodies/food intake/exercise and compete with her but I know that’s the eating disorder and it’s not good for either of us. I hate myself for this eating disorder bullshit but I can’t seem to stop these thoughts.

I want to ask Suzy if she’s still struggling with her ED to find out if my suspicions are correct or if it’s just me projecting my own issues and current circumstances onto her. Not sure but she wants to have dinner together this Friday. I agreed to go but the last time we made dinner plans was a few months ago and she bailed at the last minute saying she didn’t feel well; honestly, I was going to bail on her myself because I was fasting. After she cancelled, I wondered if she bailed on me first because she was trying not to eat but I had no reason to suspect that other than her cancelling.

Idk, I think it’s very possible that it’s all in my head and I’m just projecting hard rn. Ugh. Idk. I don’t think I could ever be as thin as Suzy even if I tried because our bodies are built different. She’s taller, leaner, her bones aren’t as big as mine, and she’s naturally thin. I don’t think it’s possible for me to be naturally thin like that, I’m built thicker in general with larger bones and more muscle. I just know I feel so fucking fat compared to Suzy and that same sick ED part of me wants to get to the point of being thinner than her even if it kills me. It’s insane but that’s the eating disorder for you.

[rolaana2]

Huge fucking vent (literally just talking to myself lol I don’t wanna cry anymore so I’ll write instead)

So it’s always been my dream to go to uni in the UK (preferably london). Mostly because I wanna be completely away from my family. I wanna do shit that would disappoint them. They’re religious asf and I wanna drink and smoke weed and do drugs and date around and hook up with people and live alone and barely eat and be bisexual without fear of persecution. But of course I tell my mom it’s bc of the quality of education and job opportunities and all of that (which is also true). But I’ve always wanted to study abroad. That’s been my dream ever since i started middle school.

My dads been against it from the beginning but he doesn’t even live in the same country so Idc what he says. My mom’s been supportive, until now. Now she’s forcing me to go back to my third world country and study there and stay with family and I finally gave in. I’m so sad I haven’t stopped crying. I can’t run away because I don’t have any money and the country I’m in rn doesn’t allow minors to work. Plus, I pay for a lot of my own shit already with a very limited allowance.

I’ve been telling everyone I’m studying abroad, and I’m running away if my parents say no, and everyone’s been like “woah that’s crazy but you can totally do it” and now I don’t think I can.

I mean, with the little amount I have saved, I can only afford a flight ticket. I can’t afford a visa, and even if I did get a visa, it would probably be a tourist/visit visa, not a student/resident. I won’t be able to afford uni, let alone a place to stay. It’s not realistic for me to run away.

When I say third world country, I might be exaggerating. I mean, it’s just an overpopulated, slightly below average country (economy wise) and education there is great and all, but idk.

I negotiated with my mom, I’d only be okay with living there if I get to stay in a dorm and I get a car, and she agreed. I’ll also get a job. She says I can travel when I finish undergrad.

Plus, the money I have saved rn is worth way more in my home country than in the UK. It’s about £4500 in my country, but £200GBP in the UK. Obviously I’d be more comfortable in my home country.

And even though I’m very distant from my family, they’re still super well off and with their support I could ACTUALLY afford to study AND have fun. The uni I’m planning on going to has study abroad programs too.

The people in the country are super fun and chill and friendly, there’s parties and weed and alcohol and everything. Being bisexual might be illegal and I’m not entirely sure how the people there might react to me being bi, or if there would be any bi women there in the first place, but I guess we’ll see. There’s international students there too.

Also, one concern I have is that the country’s food is literally ALL carbs and fats. Almond milk is £50 and I love almond milk. Healthy food & low cal food is super expensive, and isn’t available either. There’s no Walden farms, halo top, alpro, etc. But I know loads of uni students there are BIG on fitness and all have gym memberships and stuff.

I’m trying to make it seem cool and fun but I feel like a failure. Ive given up on my dreams and I’m just accepting it. It’s not the worst thing in the world, but it’s definitely not ideal. I spent so long planning everything, I literally memorized the London map. I was counting on going to the UK, I couldn’t be around my family. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that one day I was leaving and wouldn’t have to talk to them as much, but now I’m not. Now they’re always gonna be around. Even my extended family, I’ve never felt like I was part of them. My cousins were so close and I was always an outsider. They all have married conservative parents and live in big fancy houses and went to fancy schools and I live w my single mom in an average apartment and go to a shitty school. Plus my mom’s the only one in the family that dresses the way she wants, got divorced, etc so they’ve formed their opinions. My dad was barely around. I only saw him in the summers, and mostly on weekends. My mom is a whole other story that I don’t like getting into and I’m completely traumatized and will probably have serious issues forever. I can’t even connect with the country itself. The culture, language, traditions, entertainment, all of it. They’d probably call me white washed and I don’t even live in a “white” country.

Im trying to be happy about it. I’m trying to be excited about it. But giving up like that feels so awful, and giving my parents the satisfaction of winning? I hate it. I mean, after everything they’ve done. After all the fights and arguments and days I’ve spent crying screaming and wishing I didn’t live there or wishing I had different parents. This was my only goal. My only goal was to study abroad, and now I don’t have that and I feel like such a huge fucking failure. My mom is ecstatic and she thinks I’m excited because I’m talking about it a lot and planning everything out, but I’m not.

Idk if I should be feeling defeated, or be realistic, get all the financial support I can from my parents, negotiate my independence, make the best of the situation, get a job and save up till I can travel and live alone after undergrad. I know it’s not the end of the world, and it’s just 4 years, but Idk anymore.

[act-addict-actors-matchups]

@otomeramblings said,

I'm a girl, 23 years old, around 162 cm, with medium length dark brown hair (almost black) and brown eyes. I'm one of those people who are often asked "are you okay? Are you mad?" and no, more often than not that's just how my resting face looks lol

I'm a Scorpio and an INFP. According to my friends, I'm usually very sweet but no one likes to be around me when I get seriously angry ^^; I guess it's because i'm generally very soft spoken and I try to avoid conflict as much as I can, and when I'm upset is one of the times when I actually raise my voice. I have people tell me that I'm smart, but I just consider myself to be an overall average person. It usually takes me a while to fully trust someone but once they've earned my trust, I cherish their friendship for life.

I can fluently speak English and Spanish, and I recently got my English Translation degree. I love to read (both novels and manga) and to discover new music, I also really like dancing (I did ten years of ballet) and I recently rediscovered my love for drawing and writing.

Qualities I would like in a s/o:

-passionate, about anything, really. I'm usually very reserved unless I have something I really want to talk about and I appreciate when others listen, and for that reason I love to listen to people talk about things they're passionate about

-mature, not in relation to his hobbies bit more so in the sense that he can have a serious conversation when needed and take responsibility for his actions.

-patient. Being introverted and kinda awkward, I usually need time to recharge after being social and even while spending time together there will probably be silences when I think of what to say or even times when I'd just rather we spent it doing our own thing while being together.

Qualities I don't like:

-shouting. I hate it when people shout at me when they're mad because it makes me tear up immediately, I would much rather you tell why you're mad in a calm tone so we can work things out.

✧ The way I scREAMED when I saw your url 🤭 I love your writing so much skdhksdhksjd thank you for requesting a matchup. 😳💞 Stay safe! I hope all goes well for you!

I’d match you with: . . .

➜ HOW YOU TWO FIRST MET ; The blue sky was dotted with fluffy white clouds that drifted lazily in the gentle breeze while you were on your way to buy new drawing pencils. Your current ones were not exactly in the best condition after being used too many times. A sigh escaped from you as you fastened your pace. In all honesty, you would rather stay at home and maybe watch one of your shows but you knew if you didn’t go out to buy those now, you never would. As one particular building came to your sight, you suddenly stopped in your tracks. It was a flower shop. The vibrant display of flowers covered the table outside. Bold purple, soft pink and light lavender flowers sat right in front of you as well as some others you didn’t know the names of. The sweet smell of blossomed flowers filled your nose as you inhaled and exhaled. They were so beautiful that you couldn’t help but to reach at a lavender, the purple petals felt like soft velvet against your skin. The chime of the door opening ringed into your ears, drawing your attention away from the flowers in front of you. A man with a blue striped T-shirt, a pair of black pants and black leather shoes came out of the building with a bag you thought had flower seeds in it. A brown trench coat with a blue inner lining slung over his shoulder, beautiful, dark blue hair rustling as he gave his thanks to the employee before closing the door. The man turned around and you swear you stop breathing for a moment, because oh my god how dare someone this handsome come in to your field of view without a warning. After realizing that you’ve been staring at a stranger for a good seconds, you hesitantly looked away. But just your luck, while you decided that it was the time to carry on with your mission, you dropped your purse to the ground. You groaned before bending over to pick it up but to your surprise, you see another hand reaching over it? And most importantly, you saw that it was that handsome stranger when you looked up??? He gave you a kind but awkward smile as he hold out your bag to you. You muttered a “thank you” before grabbing it. After that cliche moment, there was an awkward silence between you and the man, but he decided to speak up to start a conversation by asking if you liked flowers. The conversation smoothly flowed from there. He just had that aura of gentleness radiating that you couldn’t help but warm up to the stranger, who you later learned the name of, quickly. He even offered to accompany you to the shop you were going, which you agreed if he didn’t mind. Your relationship steadily developed from there. To be honest, it wouldn't be obvious at all that Tsumugi has a crush on you. He's friendly and sweet to everyone he meets most of the time so nobody thinks twice whenever he's with you, except maybe Tasuku. His underlying feelings for you would show in the little things he does, the way his eyes shine whenever you laugh, how his ears perk up whenever he hears your name, how he somehow memorized all your favorite foods after you offhandedly mentioned it once before. For someone who majored in psychology, it’s kind of hilarious how dense he is regarding his own feelings. He would mistake those feelings of his as a weirdly strong platonic attraction for you and continue spending time with you in hopes to appease the feeling but be confused as to why he always felt unsatisfied. He finally realizes how smitten he is for you after a long internal monologue he had after he almost had a heart attack when you hugged him once for whatever reason.

➜ PERSONALITY COMPATIBILITY ; Tsumugi is the walking epitome of every single thing you’re looking in a S/O. You want someone passionate about something? This man literally couldn’t give up on his dream and love for the performance art. He’d be more than willing to talk about how acting involved a broad range of skills, including a well-developed imagination, emotional facility, physical expressivity, vocal projection, clarity of speech, the ability to interpret drama etc. He’d try bunch of different gestures in front of you and ask you which one you liked the best. He also absolutely loves it when you are the one who does the talking. His strength is CANONLY listening to others after all. He just gives off this aura that compels you to think that you can talk about anything and everything with him. Just like you, Tsumugi has a great need for harmony and dislikes any conflict so if there were to be any fights, they would be resolved in a day or two with the two of you talking it out. He majored in Psychology in university, and is very good at reading people so if you’re both in a social gathering and he senses you need to take a break, he will hold your hand and walk you somewhere with less crowd and noise. When you want to be alone, he’d give you the space you need and if you want to spend time he would be there. He is a pretty clueless baby at the start and would try to ask people for help on dating advice. He will however remember every single memory you two will and have made. You’ll never see him forgetting any milestones in your guys’ relationship. His way of saying “I love you” is through the flowers he picks and grows. As someone who can be shy to vocally express his love for you, he handpicks each flower based on their meanings with the hope that they could accurately convey the emotions he holds for you. The very sight of your smile as you watch each tiny plant grow kindles a budding warmth inside him, as if he’s a bee intoxicated by the nectar of your happiness. And to him, the vision of you happy is prettier than any flower in his garden, pushing him to always keep you bright and blooming.

➜ SHARED ACTIVITIES ; Tsumugi canonly moon/stargazes with Misumi so why wouldn’t he do the same with his S/O? It’s a cool, romantic and surprisingly unique activity to do together. There aren’t many activities one can plan for a date that are sweeter or more intimate than a night spent together under a beautiful, sparkling sky. You would ask each other questions about one another, without being afraid of letting the conversation slow down. This is a date to relax and linger over. If not that, I can totally see him taking you to a botanical garden. These places are beautiful and not too busy in general. Bonus points if you bring a camera and get some nice photos together as a couple. i’m so soft rn 🥺 But I feel like your most common date would be either tending the garden in the mankai dorm or just doing your own little things while being together. You might be writing on the table while he’s going over his script for the winter troupe’s newest play one more time or he might be grading his student’s test, since he’s a tutor and all, while you’re drawing. I see Tsumugi as someone who reads a lot so maybe both of you can read the same book together and discuss it afterwards. These types of dates are great for discovering how the other person views the world. One might learn that their significant other is passionate about a social justice cause, their favorite author, or their philosophy of beauty. These dates are great for sparking good conversations and they are introvert friendly. Or something even better: reading aloud. Reading out loud to each other can be incredibly sweet. And, as spiritual counselor Davida Rappaport says, "just the fact that you are both close and sharing space is ... a nice way to spend an evening."

➜ ZODIAC COMPATIBILITY ; Tsumugi is a Capricorn, his birthday being December 28th. When Scorpio and Capricorn make a love match, they get an opportunity to not only enjoy a loving relationship and learn the value of being a pair, but also to grow and mature as individuals. These two may be wary about sharing themselves with one another at first, and this emotional caution may dampen the initial impact of this relationship. These two tend to be a bit cautious (Capricorn) and pensive (Scorpio), and it takes a while for them to feel comfortable with a significant other. Though they may be shy of getting involved and not the quickest to trust and share, these two Signs will discover that they can have quite a profound connection — one of friendship and deep loyalty. What’s the best thing about the Scorpio-Capricorn love match? Their determination toward shared ideas and their strong devotion to one another. They can open doors to one another’s souls and show one another new ways of perceiving and feeling.

[hearrtrender]

50 QUESTIONS YOU’VE NEVER BEEN ASKED

Thank youuu for the tag @jesseblackthorns ilyyy

what is the color of your hairbrush? black, pink and like a lime green

a food you never eat? sushi...not into fish other than fish and chips 

are you typically too warm or too cold? warm...my hands are always too warm/hot....at one point I thought I had that super power when you touch smthn and it gets hot (think of Chris Evans in fantastic four...dk his name anymore)

what were you doing 45 minutes ago? mentally screaming and hating myself cos I couldn't get this chord transition on the guitar right

what is your favorite candy bar? galaxy with caramel in it, dairy milk..the Oreo one....and not a candy bar but my fave candy ever...peanut butter cups

have you ever been to a professional sports event? yeppp

what is the last thing you said out loud? bYE

what is your favorite ice cream? peanut butter and chocolate swirl situation...idk it was a limited edition cant remember its name...or cookie dough....or caramel chocolate fudge...basically salty and chocolate works for me

what was the last thing you had to drink?  coffeeeeee (it’s like..midnight.....fuck)

do you like your wallet? it’s cute like it has a cat on it but I wanna change it

what was the last thing you ate? chocolate...I think?

did you buy any new clothes last weekend? nOPE....not in a while anyways

the last sporting event you watched? really cant remember?

what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? idm anything ngl....salted with butter the basic is the besttt...cheese one I cant have more than five....caramel I cant have more than 3...HOWEVER mixing the three of those.....thats a good mix...salty and sweet...none too overpowering (maybe kick the cheese one out if you want)

who is the last person you sent a text message to?  a friend...we were talking about what we would be doing if the world wasn't like it is rn

ever go camping?  Yepppp and I LOVEEE IT

do you take vitamins? nopppeee

do you go to church every sunday?  noppeee im not christian (however I did go to a catholic school at one point...thats a different fun story for another time....too long for this)

do you have a tan? nopee...however I was sun burnt not too long back

do you prefer chinese food or pizza? BOTH...BOTH IS GOOD

do you drink your soda with a straw?  NOPE...theyre unnecessary..they float out of the can/glass and they make the soda too fizzy until its just bubbles

what color socks do you usually wear? listen...funky socks are fun...I have a shit load of those...but nothing beats black socks...

do you ever drive above the speed limit? I dont drive..

what terrifies you? thunder

look to your left, what do you see? my water bottle

what chore do you hate? laundry

what do you think of when you hear an australian accent? I think of how once I had to put on one for a drama thing and then it ended up sounding cockney....I also think of 5sos, Margot robbie and Tim tams 

what’s your favorite soda? diet coke

do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? I mostly get take out anyways...unless im with my friends then we sit and eat..so idk

who’s the last person you talked to? parents

favorite cut of beef? idkkk?...idk cuts of beef?...I dont even like beef ngl

last song you listened to? im currently listening to ‘na na na by MCR’ 

last book you read? currently reading a darker shade of magic

favorite day of the week? saturdaaaayyy

can you say the alphabet backwards?  used to be able to I think *tries again* yea no not anymore

how do you like your coffee? cold.

favorite pair of shoes? idkk ngl...any of them...but my go to are these pair of black boots with a slight heel....I put them on anything and BOOM they always work out

at what time do you normally go to bed? what is sleep again?...idek nglllll....quarantine fucked my sleep schedule badddd

at what time do you normally get up? 7:45 cos online school...6 when the world was ‘normal’

what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunrises if I wake up for them...I love listening to music and watching the sun rise while looking out of my bus window.....ugh I miss it

how many blankets are on your bed? just oneee

describe your kitchen plates. ...too many to describe....

do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage? I don’t drink alcohol...dont ever plan to

do you play cards? I'm an only child.

what color is your car? my car....I dont have one...my dads is white

can you change a tire? lol no 

what is your favorite province? a what?....people have fav provinces.....describe province again?

favorite job you’ve ever had? never had a proper job...however I am (well ‘was’ before everything went haywire) interning/learning/scholar-shiping (I have no idea what it really is) at this cancer research thing...so ig that

how did you get your biggest scar? first week of sixth form (for those who dont understand...its like the final two years before you leave school for uni.....).......cut my thigh against the side of a white board...gash through the pants...yelled FUCK in front of a new teacher...fun times

what did you do today that made someone else happy? nothing

I tag @kazz @thomaslightwoodx @fair-y-child @youve-cath-to-be-kitten-me @snackariah @tenthprinceofhell @highladyofstoriesandmusic and anyone else who wants to do this