#seeing how many views that tweet is still getting makes me a little nauseous

[septembermonologues]

guys i made it into a marisharaygun video i can rest easy now

[thisiskatsblog]

Hi Kat, I often come to seek your wisdom and thoughts on matters such as these because you were the first Larry blog I ever found and the last time I did, you really seemed to understand me and my conflicting emotions and messiness haha. So. My question is what are your thoughts on the Ray and SBB twitter accounts? I found them a few months back when I found a thread explaining a theory of why it's L&H and go back now and again to see what is being posted. I am the darkest Larrie there is, yet

contd: I always prefer to be a cynic because I know just how devastating it is when you put your hope in something only to have it crumbled. And in this fandom, you can't trust anything or anyone unless there is hardcore evidence and proof (aka every millisecond of footage of fetus Larry). There is talk about clues, numbers, iphone/androids and these cryptic riddles and hidden meanings. People do admit in the comments it feels like they're clowning yet I also see thousands resting their hopes contd: on these obscure tweets. I will admit the proof thread I originally read made it seem believable but I then I thought 'who am I kidding, there's no way it could genuinely by H&L'. It doesn't seem like something they would risk, nor something either of them would actually do. It seems like two people baiting Larries and giving us false hope (because in this era where we never get public interaction, many have become far more gullible and willing to believe anything, no matter how far

fetched. Ahh I don't know. It just seems far too good to be true that the two of them are communicating with us through cryptic pictures and riddles and messages. Yes I do believe they both have always found ways to communicate with us, whether it is through songs or body language, because we opened our eyes, we were by their sides and stay strong for them because this is a fight they will win, but I really don't know. It's very cruel if someone is indeed baiting us. Thanks x

 (^^^ March 23rd) 

2.       Anonymous said:

March 25th 2020, 7:06:01 am · a month ago

okay so I just read some master posts explaining RBB and SBB in detail (I didn't get why people were hanging onto every word of Ray and Seymour's tweets like that) and my mind is literally going INSANE trying to process it all. As usual their reactions when asked about it directly on that christmas sweater interview told me all I needed to know back when I watched it but had no idea the sheer significance of these bears until now. It's crazy all the ways L&H showed us the truth all along, to

this day it's just mind-blowing to me. Like they were screaming in the midst of drowning (cough cough Director's Cut), desperate for us to listen and thank God so many of us weren't blind. Sometimes I do feel like maybe I am going crazy or I am delusional for believing in this, as FIMQ said, the cognitive dissonance is real. My mind spirals catastrophically and I doubt my own sanity, and then my mind plays all these touches and glances, slipped words and monumental actions on a loop, far too

much evidence to dispute, and I know I can never go back, how can I, when I've never in my whole life witnessed such magnificent, almost otherworldly love, never cared about any celebrity's love life yet this is far more than that, it is fighting for their love, because they should have never had to be that strong, to endure so much pain, so so young, but they weren't that strong for us to be weak. And I can't wait for the day they are free. No one on this earth deserves it more than L&H.

 3.        Anonymous said:

March 26th 2020, 12:44:47 pm · a month ago

Even I am the darkest Larrie (and yes there is no going back, ever) sometimes I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Loving and supporting and fighting so fucking hard for a love that is as tragic and excruciating as it is the most beautiful, magnificent thing I have ever witnessed. I wonder, did I get it all wrong and what if they don't find their way back to each other, my waking moments are haunted by memories of them, so young, so clearly smitten, like who the fuck finds their soulmate at

that age? What if even if it is 'always going to be h for Lou', even if they were 'too young to know they had everything' but h doesn't forgive him or remember that yes, their love is worth it? Sometimes I feel I am teetering on the brink of insanity, what if Lou actually has a kid? And Harry's album was about a horrible woman who never deserved him? I think I'll be strong for them, even if I have to wait ten or twenty years but I also feel so much pain thinking about it all. I have never

doubted my own sanity in my life, but lately I wonder so often if I am delusional for having faith in the love of two boys who we're fated to meet and fall in love. I can't even watch them in their baby boyfriends stage or watch edits anymore because I feel physical pain because they never deserved that. I feel pain thinking about their pain, no one should have to face that so young. To be that strong. I want to be strong yet and I try so hard but i also feel I am going mad. I don't even know.

______________________________

Three anons that I suspect are the same person (and maybe even the same one I just answered). Big hugs to you dear anonymous person! And thanks for the compliment. And the patience. I’m so sorry it took me so long to answer. Not sure if I have anything helpful to say, still, except: the fact that you’ve started doubting your sanity, that cognitive dissonance you feel, that dizzy head nauseous gut feeling you get when what you see and what you hear and what you read, just doesn’t match up but you haven’t been able to rationally unravel it yet. That feeling is probably your best proof that something is very amiss, and that Louis’ and Harry’s relationship is very real. We all know that feeling, and it tends to get worse the more caught up in fandom you get.

Your sanity is worth preserving though, so - in my view - it’s better to leave the fandom for a while, however short, to take care of yourself, and be strong for yourself when you feel like it’s draining you too much. You can do that by physically leaving social media, or by taking emotional, and mental distance on a regular basis.

I always remind myself that I have no influence over whether Louis and Harry eventually make it together. And next to no influence over their careers, management, label. I can decide what I do, and have a wee tiny bit of influence on the modest amount of followers of this blog, and then a wee little bit more through the other one - but all in all, my actions, the person they matter most to, the person they influence most, is me. So I try to do, in life, and in this fandom, the things that make me happy. Worrying, does not make me happy. Arguing with hets rads antis and all the other new abbreviations i don’t really get, doesnt make me happy either - I only do it when I’m having one of those days or one of them really sets me off like the other day. But in general, what makes me happy is focusing on the positive. What this fandom has brought me. And has brought other LGBTQ+ people. What are we learning here, what stories do we tell eachother, how are we making eachother better here. 

All of that said: Louis, and Harry, have both sung, in this past year, that they “made it”, and referenced eachother’s music videos in important ways. So I honestly don’t think there’s much to worry about. I think that, whatever was causing them difficulties, they already “found their way back”. I think they are allright.

And I want us to be allright to. That’s something we can influence, that we can do for eachother. So I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you

I enjoyed reading your SBB post, talking about the sweater interview. That part of it was wonderful, and everything we needed to know. I took RBB and SBB with a big grain of salt in the beginning, but I have reason to believe it was them, or someone very close to them, and that interview did confirm that.

With or without permission, that’s difficult to say. Was it queerbaiting? I’ve been asked that question so many times. In a sense noo, because they are LGBTQ+ themselves - but there is the fact that RBB & SSB very deliberately engaged with LGBTQ+ fans and kept them here while they must have known, at least after bullshit 2.0 happened, that they were going to stay closeted. 

I don’t know exactly how I feel about that. It was a crazy ride, and some of it was enjoyable, and I think the support is important to them, so I do want to stay around. But I also  think it��s shit that LGBTQ+ fans in this fandom have done SO much to support them, and are getting so much shit in return, still, not from them, not at all, but in this environment - and no one is stopping it. 

And that’s not just the case in Louis’ fandom, where we’re definitely experiencing enormous amounts of cognitive dissonance with the bearding and babygate. But also in Harry’s. When LGBTQ+ fans bring rainbows night after night, but it’s constantly portrayed as if Harry is the one bringing them, and when it’s LGBTQ+ fans organising to light up arena’s night after night across Europe, but the only time that gets featured is when it’s two straight girls organising it, insisting they are not doing it for queer fans but because we should be one happy family inclusiveness all around.. I can understand the frustration, the impression of queerbaiting, the feeling of being taken for granted, that made some people leave Harry’s fandom. I will stay, I think he’s amazing, and I think he needs and is grateful for the support, but as an LGBTQ+ fan, I still feel like I am in a hostile environment - knowing he is with Louis, and that he cannot speak about it, has never spoken about any concrete relationship with a man. That’s... - that still tells LGBTQ+ people they are not 100% legit. 

And that’s probably not a lot better for the straight fans who see what we see: a beautiful relationship they can’t speak about and that’s denied all the time. That, too, tells you your thoughts are not legit, and therefore you are not legit. The gaslighting... it’s probably the most poisonous, detrimental aspect of this fandom. Coming back after more than a year off, I was shocked, at how clear things seemed to me again, compared to how doubtful I had been about my own opinions when I left. Taking time off is not abandoning them. Remember that. For me, it made me stronger, and it allows me to support them now. 

So I hope this gets better. Soon. I am still convinced they want that too. And when I start doubting, I listen to Only The Brave... 

[artificialqueens]

paris in the rain (when i'm with you) (Branjie) - ohhthereuare

AN: Rainy days and comfy clothes. Brooke and Vanessa just being happy and soft.

Inspired by the song “Paris In The Rain” by Lauv which became my official branjie song

This is me getting emotional over B looking soft in her comfy clothes and the fact that V liked the tweet when I sent her this song and said it made me think about branjie. If there’s any possibility that she listened to it and thought about them as well then I am a dead woman Here’s the link, listen to it and feel the vibe https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZELmUooBlY Leave a comment, cry with me if you’d like because these two dumbasses literally own my dumb, drunk heart now Jenna I’m dedicating this thing to you bc you make me so happy and I can’t wait to actually cry and yell into your face in person

AO3

The rain was tapping gently against the windows of the van as the contestants were halfway to the studio for yet another day of stressful challenges. The clouded sky cast a grey glow onto the city, everything seemed to be a little bit more mellow and sleepier than usual. Even the queens were not as chatty, be it stress, unresolved drama or the weather. Vanessa and Brooke occupied their usual spot at the very end of the van, limbs impossibly tangled so no one could really tell when one ended and the other one began. The taller queen had her arms wrapped around Vanessa from the back and was looking out of the window, absently drawing circles with her thumb on her boyfriend’s small palm and placing soft kisses to her temple from time to time. Neither said a word, listening to the comforting murmur of conversation around them and each other’s calm breathing. Vanessa felt so warm and safe, tucked in the crook of Brooke Lynn’s neck, she would have easily said no to the whole show for the day if it meant being able to spend a few more private moments with her man. Especially since Brooke was wearing Vanjie’s favorite outfit- the white hoodie, that always smelled like aired out cigarettes smoke, Brooke’s cologne and a laundry detergent, and her worn-out grey beanie. As lovely as seeing her in tight-fitting pieces was, all put together and so gorgeous it took Vanessa’s breath away sometimes, she liked her best like this. She knew now it was mostly a dancer thing for Brooke, staying slightly uncomfortable and always professional on stage, only to change into comfortable and loose clothing as soon as she was done. She was always so soft like that, all grey and white cotton, sleeves a little too long so she held them in place with her fingers, too much material to show off her toned body but just enough to keep her warm and relaxed. It somehow made Vanessa feel like she knew and understood her better, who she really was as a person behind all the makeup and perfect composure. It made her love her even more. 

“You’ve been staring, boo.”

“Hmm?”

“Yeah, for the past ten minutes. You’re not as sneaky as you’d like to believe.”

“Maybe I’m just admiring the view” Vanessa shifted a little to place a small kiss to the spot where Brooke’s jawline dipped towards her neck. She stopped for a moment to press her nose closer, relishing in the smell of her boyfriend being the strongest there. A sweet blooming feeling spilled like hot ginger tea down from her chest and into her bones. She could melt right then and there. “Especially since the view’s all mine to admire.”

A slight pink blush painted Brooke’s cheeks like a summer sunset and she smiled before she reached her hand to adjust her beanie. Vanessa beat her to it, pulling the grey material down her face to cover her eyes. Brooke’s lips briefly parted in surprise and Vanessa captured them in a kiss. She tasted like menthol cigarettes, maple syrup that she had for breakfast with her pancakes, and toothpaste.

“As soon as this shit’s over, and we send both of your asses packing, we’re getting you a room!” A’keria shouted from the front of the van. Shuga and Nina laughed but they were both smiling kindly, excited for their friends’ happiness, even if it was making them nauseous at times.

Maybe on another day they would have shouted something back, a joke or a bit of harmless shade, but today they didn’t care about anybody’s opinions. Vanessa snuggled in closer, her back pressed against the taller queen’s chest, shielded safely by her arms. She noticed absentmindedly how well Brooke’s look went with the weather; looking like rain on the concrete, sipping on coffee with whipped cream, listening to chill indie music, feeling so at peace and like the raindrops separated you from the rest of the world. Vanessa could swear being with Brooke was like sitting in their own bubble with everything else soaking in an icy spring drizzle. Or maybe these feelings were turning her into a sappy piece of ass. Not like she cared much to be honest.

The blurry streets behind the window changed into a well-known by now parking lot. The rain showed no signs of stopping. Brooke sighed heavily, her mouth right next to the shorter queen’s ear so the puff of breath sent chills down the other one’s spine.

“I wish we could just stay like this” One last kiss on the cheek, lingering this time, leaving a ghost of a touch, a squeeze to their intertwined fingers, before she started untangling herself to get up “Too bad I have a crown to win.”

“Oh hoe, feeling confident today, aren’t we, Miss Brooke?” Vanessa laughed, her voice changing from quiet, low and relaxed to her regular rough self. She missed the feel of Brooke’s body instantly but the warmth where they had been touching remained. They started getting out of the van and into the unforgiving weather, Brooke walking first but reaching her hand behind her for Vanjie to grab. It was not much but it was somehow enough.

 Brooke was already on her second cigarette in the span of ten minutes, hanging by the balcony’s doors and listening rather than watching the ongoing rain put Los Angeles to sleep. They had an hour left before the PAs made their round around the building making sure all the queens were respectfully in their own beds, like children during summer camp. Vanessa walked into the room silently without knocking, her flip-flops slapping wetly and bare chest pulling Brooke’s attention for a second. She made her way to Brooke’s bed and grabbed the white hoodie that was thrown into a bundle of other clothes before putting in on. The sleeves were way too long but she didn’t bother with rolling them up, instead letting them hang over her wrists and reaching the tips of her fingers. The overall length was too much on her tiny body as well, ending somewhere mid-thigh. She looked exhausted, moves too slow for her usual frantic energy, back hunched and eyelids heavy. Brooke thought she had never looked more beautiful.

The Canadian queen finished her cigarette, putting it down in a small glass of water she kept outside and joined Vanessa on the bed. She left the balcony doors ajar so they could still hear the raindrops swishing calmingly outside.

“I like you in my clothes, you know.”

“Oh yeah?”

There was a teasing note in Vanessa’s voice, a promising growl that would normally ignite a fire in both of their bodies if they weren’t this tired.

“Yeah but I like you in everything so…”

They both snickered at how lame that sounded, but neither cared. Brooke was glad she had someone like Vanjie, someone who didn’t make her worry whether she said the right thing or not. She could be herself in her presence and after so many hours of anxiety, keeping yourself in check and watching your every move, it felt like more rewarding than anything she could win. Vanessa laid on her back and Brooke was there beside her propped on her elbow. After a moment she started tracing light patterns over Vanessa’s arms, shoulders, jawline, lips, nose, and closed eyelids. She watched her fluttering, dark eyelashes and how her lips parted with a huff when Brooke brushed her finger against the shell of her ear.

“Don’t fall asleep on me now, Papi. The PAs will have to kick your ass out of my bed if they find you here like this.“ 

“Mmm, yeah, whatever. Now shut up and cuddle me, bitch.”

Brooke laughed but obliged, wrapping herself all over Vanessa’s sleepy frame, arm thrown across her stomach and legs tangled together. She smelled like her own shower gel and Brooke’s hoodie, which was strangely arousing. The shorter queen turned her head and placed a messy, off-center kiss somewhere to the corner of Brooke’s lips. It still amazed her how just simply being with Vanessa made her so happy. It didn’t really matter what they did nor where they were as long as they were together.

“I think it’s time for you to go, you know.” Her heart squeezed painfully when she said it and she hoped Vanessa could hear that in her voice. There was nothing she wanted more than for them to stay like this forever. Maybe only a crown and scepter at their feet would be a nice bonus.

Vanessa sighed heavily before she opened her eyes and rolled onto her side. Brooke only had a moment to register the new fire shining in her eyes before Vanjie put her hand on the taller queen’s jawline and pulled her in for a goodbye kiss. This time her lips were already parted and hungrily possessive, making Brooke keep up with their pace, her fingers tingling with the sudden urge to explore and touch. Their quickened breaths and quiet whimpers mixed up with the sound of raindrops falling outside.

“Miss ya already.”

“You’re literally still in my bed.” Brooke huffed out a laugh but all she wanted to do was to get back to whatever was just happening between them.

“So?”

Vanessa sat up on the bed, still wearing the hoodie and apparently leaving with no intention of giving it back now, took Brooke’s hand for the last time and brushed her lips against the other queen’s knuckles lovingly. The look of pure love in her eyes was almost too much for Brooke to handle. She hoped her own eyes conveyed the same emotion for Vanessa to see before either one of them dared to put it into words.

“Sweet dreams, boo.”

“See you in the morning.”

They never wished for the clouds to clear out and for the sun to rise faster.

[allthephils]

Repose

Chapter 8

I will likely post the next chapter very soon! Thanks for reading!

Word count: 3068 Rating M (language, sleeping beauty au)

Read on ao3

The sun was low in the sky when Phil finally left Dan’s side. He gave Adrian a hug goodbye and a promise to see him tomorrow. This time, when Phil got in the car, he was surprised to see Dennis at the wheel. “Oh. Hi. I thought you were working the door.”

Dennis eyed Phil in the rear view mirror. “Working the door? I’m not a bouncer, mate.”

“I know that Dennis, that’s not what I meant. Just, I trust you with his life, that’s all.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, I left someone I trust at my post.”

It was strange talking to Dennis again. He knew more about Phil and Dan than anyone. He was witness to their love story and to their undoing. He looked the other way on more than one occasion so that Dan could just be an 18 year old man, so that he could fall in love. Gratitude brought tears to Phil’s eyes, taking him completely by surprise. Exhaustion, both physical and emotional, had left him raw and sensitive.

“Dennis, I’m glad you’re here. I wanted to thank you. For letting me in yesterday. It really means the world to me and it looks like it might really make a difference to Dan too.”

Dennis stayed focused on the road. “Well, it’s not like you gave me much of a choice, Phil.”

“Yeah, sorry about all that. But I know full well that you could have tackled me to the ground or had me arrested, or like, thrown in the dungeon or something.”

It’s a miracle the glass didn’t shatter for the look Dennis gave Phil in the mirror. They were quiet until they neared Phil’s apartment.

“8am tomorrow.” Dennis said authoritatively.

Phil winced. “Um, actually Dennis. I don’t really do 8am. I need to be rested and emotionally prepared when I see Dan so let’s say noon. Ok?”

Dennis got out and opened Phil’s door. “Noon then.”

Phil stood in front of Dennis and looked at his tired face. He’d aged since Phil first met him, more than 5 years worth and it occurred to Phil that this must be really hard for Dennis too.

“Dennis, this is so scary, for all of us. If you ever need anyone to talk to… I mean, are you doing ok?”

Dennis patted Phil hard on the shoulder, it seemed like a pretty important gesture though Phil wasn’t quite sure what it meant. He didn’t say another word, just got in the car and drove away.

Phil plopped onto the sofa exhausted and pulled his phone out. He turned it on, he couldn’t remember the last time his phone had been all the way off. This is how it would be now, disconnected. He didn’t know how many days he’d be spending just hanging out with Dan but he’d already resigned himself to this new life for the foreseeable future. Everyday he’d be with Dan and every night, he’d come back here and try to keep his life running. If he filmed something tonight, he could edit tomorrow night. Get it out of the way so he could forget about it for a few days. He opened Twitter, hoping for inspiration but that’s not what he found. His feed brimmed with speculation about why the royals had stopped letting people in to try and wake Dan. Most believed the protests had been successful, but there were other theories too. Maybe they had found her, the woman Dan would marry, maybe he’d gotten better, maybe he’d gotten worse, and in one small corner of Twitter, maybe #Phaniel was the reason. The video of Phil defending his right to see Dan was everywhere. #Phaniel was still trending. Reluctantly, Phil clicked on one of many video links.

You could clearly hear him use the word homophobia, just before he threatened to sick his fans on the castle. Shit. You could also hear Dennis call Phil by name and say you know I can’t let you in. It was pretty obvious Phil wasn’t a stranger to Dan. And now, thousands of tweets asking Phil what had happened had been ignored all day. It was only one day but that was enough to produce Phaniel videos cutting together footage of Dan and Phil against music about star-crossed lovers, destiny, and dreaming. Photoshopped images of the two of them sent Phil’s heart reeling. They were too close to home, too true. He wished his fans were just a little less savvy. He felt nauseous. The only thing he hated more than being tangled up in politics was having his personal life exposed. Panic began to set in and Phil had to make a conscious effort to steady his breath. His heart beat loud in his ears. Could he ignore this? Deny it? He could say he was on the Isle of Man, he usually turned his phone off when he went there. That wouldn’t satisfy his fans though and he knew that. They wanted an explanation for the video, they weren’t going to fall for a lie. His phone felt like a grenade in his hand and he had no idea how to put the pin back. It vibrated and he jumped, his nerves completely shot after two days of emotional exhaustion.

Louise: How are you holding up?

Louise, thank god.

Phil: Not great. What are you doing right now?

Louise: Headed home to put Darcy to bed but Liam can do that. You want some company?

Phil: God yes.

Louise: 20 minutes

Louise didn’t hand out hugs to just anyone. She hated being touched for the most part but Phil had always been the exception. She let herself into the apartment, of course she had a key, and walked toward Phil with open arms. He stood and let his best friend hold him tight.

“Seeing you three days in a row is quite a treat, Philip,” Louise cooed, “I just wish the circumstances were a bit lighter.”

The doorbell buzzed. “I ordered us pizza. I’ll get it.” Louise ran downstairs.

Phil went to the kitchen for all the necessary things and came back to Louise opening the box.

“That smells amazing. Louise, you truly are the best best friend.” He kissed her cheek and grabbed a slice, feeling his anxiety start to dissipate.

Knowing he didn’t have to explain what was going on was incredibly comforting. Louise had certainly kept up on the drama all day. She’d likely been asked her share of invasive questions about Phil and she had definitely deflected every one of them.

“Louise, I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.”

“I know, love.” She watched Phil’s face soften but there was still so much there. “Phil, yesterday you said that you thought you might have loved Dan...”

“Yeah, Louise, that’s a pile of crap. I loved him. I wanted to marry him, I think Dan is the love of my life.” His voice cracked just a bit and he took a bite to swallow it down before it could turn into something more.

“Ok, well this all makes more sense now. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know. I signed an non-disclosure agreement. You already knew he'd asked me out so I just kept the details sparse I guess. Plus, you were my favorite drinking buddy then but we weren’t like we are now. We weren’t us.”

Louise frowned. “Phil, I’m so sorry. Who did you talk to? Like when you broke up. Why did you break up? Oh my god, I have so many questions.”

“I didn't talk to anyone. I couldn’t. It was awful, Lou. I’ve never felt pain like that. I just faked it, you know? And eventually I moved on.”

“Oh Philly. I hate that. I hate knowing you went through that on your own.” Louise had teared up a bit, always the empathetic one, she wiped away the one tear that escaped. “Do you feel ready to tell me about you and Dan?”

Phil was so tired, to the bone, but he’d never told anyone these stories and he needed this right now. He needed the catharsis and the understanding and the love. Louise was the only person he’d let see him like this, so open and vulnerable. Well, Louise and Dan. He told her the beginning and the end. The middle was beautiful and mundane and they didn't have time for that story right now. They laughed a lot and Phil opened a bottle of wine and they cried too. Louise volunteered to tweet in Phil’s place for a few days. Non-committal, cryptic tweets while he was at the castle with his phone confiscated. They both knew it wasn’t a solution but maybe it would hold off the mob for a few days so Phil could have some peace and figure out what to do.

Phil had kissed the most beautiful boy last night and that boy had kissed him back. All was right in the world. The day started with a sweet good morning text from Dan. That started Phil’s heart fluttering and it hadn’t stopped yet. He called his mum after that because that’s what Phil does when he’s feeling really great. He talked way too fast and laughed too easily. She asked how much coffee he’d had to drink. She asked what he wasn’t telling her and if there was a girl.

“I’m just having a good day, mum. And no, there isn’t a girl. Can’t a guy just be happy to talk to his mum?”

“Not this happy.” She had said.

He went outside because the sun was shining and it seemed appropriate for the romantic comedy montage he felt like he was living in. He had no shame about the extra spring in his step and the permanent smile plastered on his face. At the bakery, Phil giggled and blushed his way through ordering coffee and scones. Leo just grinned and said he was glad it went well. He sat outside, a rare thing for him. He wouldn’t even have minded if a follower came by. The table next to him was empty but someone had left the paper behind. Phil reached over to pick it up, warming at the memory of his first discovery of grown up Dan, looking out at him from the pages of a tabloid just like this one. He paged through, past stories of actors cheating with nannies and pop stars in rehab. This paper was seriously garbage. Just as he was about to toss it aside, the words Royal Love Story pg 9 caught Phil’s eye. Half of page 9 was taken up by a photo of Dan, clearly taken without his knowledge, in the garden at Windsor castle. Dan stood about a foot from Iris Spencer, his hand on her waist. He leaned in close to her ear. She wore a wide smile, amused by whatever Dan must be saying. God, Dan looked good. He wore slim slacks and slip on shoes with a little ankle showing. His button down shirt hugged his chest and accentuated his trim arms. Iris looked like she’d coordinated her outfit with his, she looked like garden party Barbie, totally at home in her natural environment.

Phil’s stomach lurched a bit. He knew he had no right to be jealous when he and Dan had only been on two dates. He was jealous though, mostly of the way Iris could just walk in and out of Dan’s life with so much ease, no NDAs, no bodyguards. He was, of course, also jealous of the way Dan’s hand was on her waist and the fact they were sharing something in that moment, something just for them. Rationally, he knew that the photo was out of context, that tabloids lie. That didn’t dull the sting of the words Is this the future queen? at the top of the page. It didn’t make him feel any better about the stark contrast between him and the rest of Dan’s life. Dan would be crazy to choose Phil over what he had in that photo. Maybe he’s just slumming, getting his gay side a little attention before going back to his rich girlfriend. The girl his family loved, the girl from the right kind of family. She has a penthouse and throws catered parties with stylish friends. Phil has pizza and Ribena by candlelight. Dan’s going to be king one day. He won’t be 18 year old Dan; beautiful, passionate, nerdy Dan for long. It’s bigger than them. One day, he would have a queen.

One kiss and Phil had imagined a future with Dan. But it was an amazing kiss, a beautiful kiss. And Dan had been vulnerable and sweet and open. You can’t fake that, right? A kiss like that has got to mean something. Phil wished he could call his mum back and tell her everything, get some advice, but he really couldn’t. He tried to imagine what she might say. She’d say that Dan was lucky to have met Phil and that the royal family don’t have anything on the Lesters. She’d say that if Phil was worried about that photo, he should just ask Dan about it. She’d say that Phil’s heart was very seldom wrong and he should follow it. And she’d be right, she always was, even when she was just a voice in Phil’s head.

So he followed his slightly bruised, mildly frightened, very excited heart. He picked up his phone and texted Dan.

Phil: Can I ask you something?

Phil was surprised when Dan responded right away, he figured he’d be busy working on some admirable project.

Dan: I’m an open book

Phil: How long were you with Iris Spencer?

Dan: With? I wasn't. Our parents conspired to get us together but we are just friends. I’m not interested in her

Dan: I am interested in you though

Phil felt some small measure of relief but he also had a masochistic desire to know more.

Phil: But you dated?

Dan: No, not really. My family invited her to things, functions. We do spend time together, we have all the same friends. Where is this coming from Phil?

Phil: So you never slept together?

Phil regretted it the minute he hit send. That was truly none of his business, he was being petty and jealous and immature.

Phil: Shit. Don’t answer that Dan. I’m sorry. I saw a photo in a tabloid and I spiraled

Dan: Ah. Ok. That explains a lot. We did hook up a couple times as drunk teenagers. It was exactly how those things are and it has no bearing on any thing that is happening now.

Phil: What is happening now?

Dan: Me and you are happening now

The ache in Phil chest shifted. The jealousy had turned to longing and Phil wished Dan was here so he could wrap his arms around him and chase away any remaining doubt.

Phil: Me and you

Dan: Dan and Phil

Phil: Phil and Dan

Phil: Phan

Dan: Phan! :-)

Phil: I ship it

Dan: You remember PJ?

Phil: Yes

Dan: He’s having a party tomorrow night. There will be less snogging and more video games than the last party I took you too. PJ is a big nerd. Come with me?

Phil: Yes

Dan: Yay! His house is on the beach. You are going to love it. It’s in Brighton. Is that ok?

Phil: Is it ok?

Phil: I’m not sure. Let’s review. You want me to accompany a gorgeous prince to a beach house in Brighton to play video games and eat gluten free artisan pickles?

Dan: I can’t guarantee the pickles.

Phil: Ug. What good are you if you can’t guarantee artisan pickles?

Dan: I’ll think of some way to make it up to you ;)

Phil: *fans self*

Dan: Pick you up at 5?

Phil: Ok. Come earlier if you want. I miss you.

Dan: I miss you too. See you tomorrow. Xoxo

Dan didn’t come to the door, instead he texted Phil to come down. When he climbed in, there was a basket in the center seat, a picnic basket. Dan leaned over and gave Phil a hello kiss. It was so casual, like they’d known each other for ages and this was just the way they greeted each other. Phil’s heart flipped in his chest. “What’s this?” He gestured to the basket.

Dan smiled that wide affectionate smile that Phil was starting to grow familiar with.

“Well, we’ve got at least two hours in this car and I thought it might be nice to have a picnic.”

He opened the basket and pulled out 2 checkered napkins, handing one to Phil. There were tiny sandwiches wrapped in parchment paper and tied with string. Dan pointed at each one and explained what was inside, scrunching his nose in disbelief when Phil said he didn’t like cheese. They ate and laughed about Phil’s picky taste in food and how pizza was the exception to every rule. Dan handed Phil a glass and pulled out a tiny bottle of champagne. There were strawberries and pears drizzled with dark chocolate for dessert.

“Is this legal? The champagne? In the car?” Phil asked.

“Strictly speaking? No. But I think we’re good.” Dan moved the basket over his lap so he was sitting next to Phil.

“Buckle your seat belt, Dan.” Phil gave Dan a quick peck on the cheek, eyes darting toward the front seat to see if Dennis was looking.

“Ok, mum.” Dan put a strawberry to Phil’s lips. “Don’t worry, Dennis won’t peek. He promised.”

Phil bit into the berry, letting the flavors spread over his tongue, imagining how it would taste to kiss Dan after this. “You are so romantic. I’ve never had anyone do something like this for me. How are you only 18?”

“I had to do something to thank you for the other night. Plus, I might have a chef at home who helped me put this together.” Dan popped the rest of the strawberry into his mouth.

They drank champagne and fed each other fruit, sharing sweet chaste kisses between bites. It was absurdly cliche and absolutely perfect. Phil thought, this is it, this is what it’s like to date a prince.

[vvdbvvotv]

I'll Make You Believe

Tyler Joseph Imagine

Part 3

Pairing: Tyler Joseph x Reader (as best friends and maybe a little more)

Request: The reader is suicidal and wants to commit, but doesn’t want to hurt those that care

Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, suicidal actions, depression, panic attack, fluff

Word Count: 1,659

-

Reader’s Point of View

The next few actions you did were clouded over, as if you were watching them unfold from behind a fogged up window. A tweet was sent out to the boy you loved but ran away from. That tweet was soon deleted after regretting what you said. Maybe he didn’t see it. After all, he didn’t save you from yourself when you ran.

Funny how the one you love is the one who breaks you.

“He didn’t break me, it’s my fault. It’s only me and my infested brain. I don’t know what’s wrong but it’s too late to fix it.”

You remember running back towards home again. You were standing in the kitchen of your house. A pencil and a piece paper were clutched in your hand. A note was being scribbled, a note to be found by your angel, your everything. The one person who could save you but couldn’t at the same time. It was placed on the dining room table, a single decorative pebble holding it down.

You were running again. That was all you ever did now anyways. You ran from your family, pushing them away from your life. You ran from your problems, thought that only caused more issues. You always ended up veering towards them again. Most importantly you ran from the person who crossed your mind the most. You didn’t understand why, you didn’t want to run but you did and there was no going back. He didn’t know what you were going to do.

Run little rabbit, run towards the wolf.

-

Tyler’s Point of View

I ignored the questions being thrown at me as I ran out of my home. Ignored the confused stares my family shot at me as I raced through towards the front door. I ran towards her house, the only place I knew where to look. She wasn’t responding to any calls or texts from either Josh or me. I was blocked out completely from her.

The only thing I could think about was whether or not she was still alive. I tried to push away the thought that I was too late, that a gruesome site would be left for me to discover at her house. I couldn’t get rid of it.

The front door of (Y/N)’s house was unlocked but I was hesitant to open it. I was scared. There could be a variety of things waiting for me behind this door.

I pushed my fears aside and opened it. It was silent and worry consumed me again. The house was too quiet, almost in an eerie sort of way.

“(Y/N)?” I called out. Of course there was no response.

I continued walking into the kitchen. Everything seemed in place, except the reflection of something caught my eye. there was a piece of paper on the dining room table. I frowned and walked closer. It was her handwriting, scribbled all over in a rushed manner.

I’m sorry Tyler I love you I promise I do. Please don’t be sorry because this isn’t your fault, I’m broken I can’t fix myself and neither can you. I’m tired of feeling like this. I don’t want to be trapped anymore. Please remember I love you, I love you, I love you…

Find me in the lake we used to hang around. I’m sorry you have to see me like this. I’m sorry this letter is for you. Tyler please promise me you’ll get over me quickly, I’m sure I never meant much to you anyways.

-y/n

Tears spilled from my eyes. I didn’t want to forget anything. I should’ve followed her when she ran from me. I should’ve noticed the signs. I should’ve cared more, admitted that I loved her. I took the piece paper and ran out of the house towards the forest, towards the lake and to the unknown.

-

Reader’s Point of View

It was approximately 1 o'clock pm judging by the sun’s position in the sky. A bad time to do what you were going to do. Night would’ve been a better choice but of course you realized you chose to write that suicide letter to Tyler. If only you could’ve made it longer, time was ticking though. You had a matter of minutes to do what that note said. Tyler was probably discovering the letter right about now.

You didn’t understand why you wanted to do this. It didn’t feel right but at the same time it was the best decision. Like it was the only thing to do and backing out would make you look even more weak.

Quickly, now.

Drowning seemed like the easiest thing to do. It wasn’t quick, but thinking about the sight of any blood made you feel sick. You sat at the edge of the dock, looking at the water and surrounding trees. Rays of sunlight fought through the thick greenery from the forest. The water looked sparkly and glassy in the places where the sun reflected. What a beautiful place to die.

Hurry up, you’re taking too long. Don’t want him to get to you first.

“I got it, you want me gone. So you won. But the joke’s on you because you don’t get to invade my head anymore,” you said to the voice.

You took of your backpack and placed it beside you. You took your shoes and jacket off and stood up. The water looked so luring. It was crystal clear but deep and dark at the same time. You inched closer to the edge of the dock and saw your distorted reflection peering back at you. Suddenly, you were scared. Confused too. Why were you here again?

Don’t do this.

The voice was soft and quiet, unlike the one that frequently invaded your mind. It was very faint, under a whisper. You wanted to listen and back away from the water. It made you want to run away from the lake, away from the forest, and find Tyler. You wanted to run into his safe arms and never let go of him.

“No,” you whispered, “I’m gone, gone too far.”

And finally making up your mind you sat down on the edge of the dock, your feet skimming the surface of the water. Then your feet were immersed and then your ankles. You kept inching yourself down. Suddenly, you heard a loud rustle of leaves and a strangled yell. You had a visitor and a good idea on who it could be.

KEEP GOING.

You pushed yourself off of the dock and your whole body was submerged in water. The cool crisp water engulfed you.

Before you could stop yourself and truly understand what you were doing, the voice spoke one last time

Open your mouth and breath, darling.

You listened and closed your eyes. You began to inhale. Almost instantly, something grabbed your body and pulled you up and out of the lake in one swift movement.

You coughed and sputtered, desperate for air yet also wanting to stop breathing at the same time. It felt as if your lungs had been drenched in gasoline and set on fire.

“Let go of me!” you managed to get out.

You felt lightheaded and nauseous, but tried to push away the person who stopped you. They pinned your arms down and you gasped as they pressed their mouth against yours in an attempt to help you breathe. You relaxed, trying to allow them to help assist you, oxygen slowly filling your lungs again. The person’s grip on you released and their lips parted from yours. You opened your eyes carefully and Tyler’s bloodshot eyes met yours. He rescued you.

You wrapped your arms around Tyler and clung to him, your breathing still shallow and uneven.

“Oh God, please don’t ever do that again (Y/N). Please promise you’ll talk to me, don’t ever leave me. Your note is wrong, I care I really do. I want you in my life, I love you so much,” Tyler whispered. “Breathe, you’re safe here. You’re okay, I’m here and I’m not letting you do go or do anything harmful to yourself ever again.”

You wrapped your drenched arms tighter around Tyler’s middle, clinging to him and his words.

“Hey, you know what I write in this dumb book that I have with me all the time? Well it’s all me talking about you, how I’m too scared to admit that I’ve liked you for a long time. How I’m terrified that it could ruin our friendship or whatever it is we have. But right now I just want you here and it was idiotic of me to be scared because I should’ve told you. I should’ve told you I loved you sooner,” Tyler finished.

You felt him reach for something and then nudge you. You peered up at Tyler and he had a page of his notebook opened up. You scanned the pages as he flipped through. He wasn’t lying, it was about you. There was your name with words of admiration about you jotted in the various entries.

Tyler placed the book down and shifted so your head was on his lap and you were facing him. You closed your eyes and moved closer to Tyler.

He spoke again, “So now I’m going to continue what I was singing to you yesterday because uh- well, I truly put my heart into those words and I want you to believe them.”

Your breathing finally evened and you waited for Tyler’s sweet voice to engulf you.

So you laid there on Tyler’s lap. A perfect end to an imperfect day. Tyler sang and you listened. You listened for him because he truly was your guardian angel. He was your savior and your protector and he made sure you knew he was.

“Won’t you stay alive?”

“I’ll take you on a ride,”

“I will make you believe you are lovely.”

-

So there’s your conclusion! Pretty short, sorry for that. Hopefully not many people hated the ending (but with my luck possibly everyone despises me now).

-tori