#self loathing and insecurities)

[thedarkestrivernymph]

cw: bad self image, talks about body image, bad self-concept, insecurity, self-hating

“Ma’” your toddler whined drowsily, yawning as you tucked them in bed.

“Yes, sweetheart?” you sighed softly, exhaustion clear under your eyes, drained of ever last bit of energy, as you fought off sleep yourself.

“Am I fat?” that quickly woke you up. Eyes wide with your eyebrows raised you looked down at her big puppy eyes.

“Sweetie—why would you think you’re fat?” you were puzzled. She was a toddler, chubby at best—but healthy at that, but most importantly where could she have picked that up from? Children didn't just think up such things by themselves after all.

“You call yourself fat, mommy. Fat and ugly.” horror shone in your gaze. Fuck, when had she picked up on that?

“Sweetheart—”

“Am I fat and ugly too?” you shook your head, swallowing down the lump in your throat.

“Then why do you call yourself fat and ugly?”

“That's—sweetheart—I—” now you were on brink of tears and at a loss for words.

“I think you're the prettiest on the whole wide world!” she raised her arms spreading them wide and far, “You're the prettiest because you're my mommy!”

You pulled her into a hug before she could make out that you were crying. Inhaling in the faint scent of her favourite mermaid shampoo, the remnants of suncream and her smell that lingered from the time she was a baby—like home. Your home. And you were hers. This tiny human with so much personality considered you her home.

Needless to say, after that you were much more careful with your words around her.

©Copyright - 2025 - thedarkestrivernymph - All Rights Reserved

[borgialucrezia]

(When asked if the slap was real and unscripted) "Yes. Yes He did! We only did one take, he warned me it was coming, but Jeremy isn't the kind of actor to do something without a genuine intention!" — DAVID OAKES

[itssofuckingover]

Ohhhhh. Okay. I Get It.

[canisalbus]

To me, Machete kind of has the energy of a secondary villain/coldhearted side character in someone else's story that a lot of fans latch onto, moreso than the protagonist. Question is, would he be the villain in anyone's story?

Why, thank you! I'm actually glad to hear he gives off that vibe. I don't think he set out to become a villain but a lot of people certainly view him as one.

[momentomori24]

So I watched Weeby's newest Wheel of Fate video and she made a point about how Wolfgang's mum, due to her abusive husband, may have had an aversion to men, which is why she only represented women and children. But then she added how Wolfgang looking exactly like his abusive dad may have extended that aversion to apply to him as well and OH MY GOD THAT WOMAN IS COOKINGGG

[distant-velleity]

TRANSMIGRATOR’S GUIDE TO: Yuhua Wei

A “good student,” a “good friend,” a nobody. From that, to the voluntold assistant of Divus Crewel, stuck in the world of Twisted Wonderland where magic and arrogance run rampant.

This is the story of Yuhua Wei, another “Yuu” among many.

You’ve probably never heard of him, or maybe you have. Either way, this new and improved guide will give you a way to start getting to know him!

Below is more information about our self-saving scum protagonist~

PERSONALITY

Yuhua’s outward persona can change depending on who he is with: you could call him a people-pleaser. Around staff and certain upperclassmen, he is respectful and earnest. Around close friends, he is a bit more outspoken and brash, but also playful and encouraging. Around strangers, he is meek but affable when spoken to. So on and so forth. However, the degree to which he speaks his mind is varied—you could compare him to a nesting doll. Always removing or adding a layer that hides his true self, whatever that may be.

He also possesses a manipulative side, which is part of why he tries to appeal to people: so that if he needs to, he can use favorable opinions of him to make his life more convenient. Emphasizing his helplessness or weakness when he cannot do something himself; complaining so someone will take notice of a problem…

Of course, Yuhua would rather not stand out—it would be too much for his insecure, introverted self and too inconvenient. The practical part of him believes that being a polite, respectful side character is the role the universe has decided for him. However, he isn’t above what some would consider slightly immoral. After all, he always adapts to his audience, and in the villains’ world, one must do as the villains do.

ABILITIES

System: The strange aid that Yuhua was given upon transmigrating. It appears in the form of holographic floating screens that only he can see, and makes the world of Twisted Wonderland seem like a mix between a game and reality. The main story books and events are considered to be “missions” for him.

It allows him to check his status, relationships with others, their opinions of him, and possess a hammerspace inventory with more items than he could physically carry.

It also has a strange function regarding memories…

Potions: The System, plus tutelage under has allowed Yuhua to unlock the recipes to and make a vast array of potions, such as healing ones. He mainly uses these during battles.

TRIVIA

Much like how the teachers have their own uniforms, Yuhua also has his own magic-enforced “dorm uniform.” It seems to take inspiration from a Far East fairytale, where a young maiden was aided by her late mother in the form of a beautiful, golden carp. Yuhua wears a locket that is enchanted to switch him into his dorm uniform when he opens it.

He typically wears what looks like the standard school uniform, because 1) it goes under his labcoat in the classroom due to safety procedures, and 2) it makes him stand out less.

Floyd calls him “Koi.” Other students will frequently refer to him as “the TA” or “Crewel’s TA.” His more commonly-used nickname is “Yu.”

Inspirations: Cinderella, Ye Xian, Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint, Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System, etc.

———

taglist (ask to be added or removed): @thehollowwriter @theleechyskrunkly @elenauaurs @casp1an-sea @nahelenia

@boopshoops @skriblee-ksk @scint1llat3 @nemisisnemi @nyx-of-night

[schrijverr]

I Didn’t Mean to Say I Do, but I Do. I Do. 45

Chapter 45 out of 50

Secret marriage of convenience buddie slow burn AU, where Buck and Eddie have been married for years so Buck could adopt Chris and no one at the 118 knows.

In this chapter, Buck and Chris get swept up by the tsunami. Buck tries his best to keep Chris safe and sheltered from the worst of it, however, the receding tide still takes him. Buck has to find him again, he can’t lose Chris, can’t lose their son.

On AO3.

Ships: Buddie

Warnings: insecurity, self loathing, injury, minor character death mention, near death experience

~~~

Chapter 45: Just Keep Swimming

A tsunami. Buck honestly isn’t sure why he didn’t expect it with how life has just been one disaster after another lately, but somehow this wasn’t on his planning this morning when he took Chris to the pier.

Sitting here on a fire engine from what he’s pretty sure is Bosko’s unit, surrounded by people he pulled from the water, he regrets not at least calling out a hi to her when he saw her on the pier earlier.

It felt too awkward to so then, since she is housing his husband and he at some point thought said husband was having an affair with her, but now he would kill for someone to know that they’re out here. It was such a spur of the moment thing that he didn’t mention it to anyone. They’re sitting ducks right now.

The only thing that is keeping him sane, is that Chris is right next to him.

He feels horrible about Chris being out here in this with him. If they’d just stayed home today, they wouldn’t have been in this mess. But no, Buck dragged Chris out to the pier, because he wanted to make right that Eddie has been driven away by something involving Buck. Now Chris just has another traumatic event to add to the list. And that’s his fault.

However, now is not the time to focus on how awful he feels, he needs to focus on Chris. Despite the terrible day he’s having, he’s being plenty cheerful. It’s very Chris, and Buck is glad life hasn’t crushed his spirit yet as they play I Spy together.

If the circumstances were different, he might have paid more attention to the other people he pulled from the water. However, no one appeared seriously injured, so as long as that stays the same, he forgives himself for not having the best bedside manners right now.

He’s off the clock anyway and not even officially a firefighter again, he can be forgiven for wanting to focus on his own kid. He did enough already by leaving him alone on the fire engine to pull everyone else out the water. Buck is a firefighter in his heart, so that went without saying, but he’s too tired to divide his attention between everyone else and Chris. Paramedic has always been more Hen or Chimney’s, or even Eddie’s job.

“Okay, I spy with my little eye, something that…” Buck looks to see what he can find. “Moves people around.”

Chris peers around quite adorably at the debris that is floating by to see what Buck is spying. “Oh, a scooter,” Chris realizes quickly, spotting what Buck had spied.

“Ah, yeah, nice one,” Buck says, having hoped it would be a little more difficult to find. He wants to be able to drag this game out as long as he can, so Chris has something to focus on other than the fact that they’re stuck on a fire engine while waiting for rescue or until the water goes down. But he can’t get disheartened yet, so he nudges Chris and prompts: “Okay, genius, your turn.”

“I spy,” Chris looks around much like Buck had a few seconds ago, “a shopping cart.”

“What? No, come on. Hey, that’s not how the game works. You can’t just yell stuff out,” Buck tells him.

“But, papi, yelling stuff out is the fun part!” Chris yells loudly, big grin on his face.

Buck’s heart just bursts with affection. He loves this kid so goddamn much and he is so grateful to the universe that it let him have this, even if it might not be forever, he gets to be here now. He pulls Chris into a side hug, leaning his cheek against Chris’s wet curls as he says: “You amaze me, buddy.”

“Why?”

“I know you’ve had a rough few weeks and you were pretty down yesterday. When I was a kid and I got bad news, I always got so mad, but you, after the day you had, here you are, with a big smile, busting a gut,” Buck chuckles. Then emotion overtakes him and the memory of the fear makes his voice waver. “You never gave up. Even when that water was rushing over you back there. You just kept on swimming.”

“Like Dory,” Chris says, referencing a movie they’d watched together a couple of times. Buck hadn’t even realized the words Dory sang so often had come out until Chris said that.

“Yeah, like Dory,” he smiles. “And not just today, you know, but every day. You never say no, you never complain.” It’s suddenly very important to Buck that Chris knows how impressed he is with him, that he thinks he’s the best, that he’s proud of him. “You’re such a good kid, Superman, and I keep being blown away by you. How do you do that? You didn’t get that from me, that’s for sure.”

Chris has a pleased look on his face as he explains: “Well, I complained once, but it didn’t work.”

Buck could point out that Chris complained more than once whenever it was early, but he still had to do PT or when he had to go to bed…

However, he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to do that, he doesn’t want to waste time that suddenly feels so limited correcting Chris, he wants to know him. Know him the best he can, hold as many pieces of this amazing kid in his heart. “So what did you do?”

“I just kept on swimming, papi. Like Dory,” Chris shrugs simply.

God, Chris is going to make Buck cry. He’s been trying so hard not to cry, to not let Chris see how scared he was and still is, how dangerous their situation is. Yet, here he is, nearly loosing that fight with himself because of Chris.

He’s witnessed the kid go through so much heartbreak. From Shannon leaving, to Eddie having to re-enlist, to Eddie getting seriously hurt, to uprooting his whole life to move here, to Buck getting hurt, to Eddie pulling away, to this. Buck doesn’t know where he gets the resilience. Eddie is stubborn sure, and so is Buck, and the fiery attitude Chris gets from Shannon, but this? It’s pure Chris.

It makes Buck want to hold Chris closer, hug him tightly and wish nothing else will happen to him, that nothing will ever break his spirit. But he doesn’t want to start acting weird, doesn’t want to worry Chris. So, he just pulls him a little closer to his side and takes a deep breath.

“Oh my god, look over there,” a man exclaims, pulling Buck out of his thoughts as he tries to see what they’re talking about.

“Oh my god.” “Oh no.” Two women also exclaim their horror and Buck now sees why. It’s no longer just debris that is floating by, but a group of bodies.

Chris hasn’t seen the bodies yet and Buck needs to make sure he never will. He could never live with himself if he let Chris see that. Nor could Eddie. God, Eddie will probably be so pissed at Buck. He trusted Buck to look out for Chris, to take care of him when he couldn’t, but Buck only got him caught up into a literal disaster and now Chris might see his first corpse.

Moving quickly, he settles Chris sideways, doing a little swoop as he sits him down to make it seem playful as he cups Chris’s cheek to further guide his eyes away and says: “I- I spy with my little eye, something that is,” he looks around desperately, “high.”

Success. Chris looks up and away from the bodies, peering at the buildings surrounding them to find what Buck is spying, thankfully not yet bored of the game. “A street sign?” he guesses.

Buck looks over at the bodies to see where they are. Still too close for comfort. In fact, way too close in general. They’re right next to the engine, if Buck wanted to touch them, all he’d have to do is reach out his hand.

Despite not having picked anything as the object for I Spy, Buck shakes his head: “Uh, high- higher than that. Like, whoa…” to keep up the charade.

Chris guesses a window, a street light and a cloud, before the bodies have passed. When Buck finally reveals the answer was the air-conditioning unit in one of the windows, Chris huffs: “I don’t wanna play this game anymore.”

“Yeah, me neither,” Buck sighs in a manner that may be a bit too honest as he goes to sit next to Chris. His leg hurts like a motherfucker and he’s exhausted.

It seems to last forever until a rescue mission is set up, though logically he knows they’re probably already out there, getting through is just hard and organizing enough boats is rough. Still, he’d give a lot to see firefighters on the horizon. Especially the 118.

God, what he wouldn’t give to see the 118 right now. To have the most competent people he knows come to rescue them, so he knows this nightmare is behind him.

The 118 will have Eddie too. He wants to see Eddie so bad right now. The man will likely be angry with him for endangering Chris, but he’d at least be here with him. He’s missed him being by his side so much and even though he knows it will likely be his new reality soon, in this moment he’d give anything to have the fantasy of a them again. He needs the comfort, even when he won’t know what to do when he’ll get it.

“I don’t know what we’re gonna tell daddy,” he says, more to fill the silence and distract himself from his own thoughts than anything else. “You know, we don’t invite him one time and, uh, look what happens.”

He doesn’t know what he expected from Chris. Maybe a snippy comment, like Eddie sometimes does, or another blasé comment about their situation. Instead he gets a soft and honest: “You saved me. And you saved them.”

Buck looks over at the others that Chris indicated. They all look half-drowned and beaten up, but they’re alive. He makes eye contact with one of the women he pulled out early on and she smiles at him, the younger woman huddled next to her doing the same. Automatically he smiles back.

If he’s honest, he doesn’t think he did anything big, just did his job. However, Chris doesn’t think so. Chris thinks he saved them, that he’s a hero. The tears he managed to fight off return and he has to swallow to stop them from falling.

To deflect, he says: “No, we did that together. Me and you make a great team. Give me a high five,” as he holds up his hand. He means it too, he wouldn’t have made it through this without Chris right there next to him.

Chris high fives him as Buck continues: “I’m proud of you. Really,” because Chris needs to hear that. He pulls Chris into a hug, hoping that’ll make the message sink in more.

As Chris loops his arms around Buck in return, he says: “Thank you, papi.”

“No, thank you,” Buck whispers into Chris’s shoulder. It’s not the most eloquent thing he’s ever said, but it’ll have to do, because he can’t think of anything else to say.

The sounds of water rushing makes him pull back slightly from the hug so he can see what’s going on.

Indeed, the water that had been calm a second ago is now flowing again and it’s flowing fast, too fast. It’s shaking the fire engine and pulling the debris along to bash against the sides of their refuge that now seems more fragile than it should.

Buck immediately grips Chris tightly, as he shouts to the others: “Everybody get down! Get down and hold on! Hold on!”

Further up a shelter must have failed to withstand the wave, because there are calls for help coming from between the debris and when Buck looks up over the cabin of the fire engine, there are people getting dragged forwards by the water as they wave for help.

Torn, he looks between Chris and the people yelling for help. He should definitely go help them, but he should also definitely make sure Chris is okay.

In the end, helping the people wins out, Chris is already okay. The fire engine is holding up and a safe space to hide out on until this is over. Besides, Chris thinks he saved the people already on there, he can’t let him see him just sit and do nothing while people need help. It’s not in his nature and it’s not what he wants Chris to think of his papi.

So he tells Chris to hold on, then goes to lay over the roof of the front cabin, so he can hold out his hand for the people drifting towards them to grab.

He is just pulling up a man, when something rams into the engine, shaking it violently. He hears something that could be the start of ‘papi’ before there is a splash. The realization of what that could be washes over him and he turns around just in time to see Chris disappear into the waves.

In a wave of adrenaline, he pulls the man aboard, injuring his arm in the process, but he doesn’t care as he abandons any sort of rescuing mission he was aiding at the other side of the engine as he goes to scanning the water to find Chris, calling out: “Chris? Christopher! Christopher! No! Christopher! Christopher! CHRIS!”

There is no Christopher to call back.

Without hesitation, he dives into the water after him. The chances of managing to grab him again are very low and it’s a stupidly dangerous thing to do, but none of that even registers for Buck. His son needs him, he’s going to fucking get to him, danger be damned.

If Chris was difficult to spot from the engine, it’s downright impossible to find him in the chaos of the water. Buck’s screams keep getting cut off by the water invading his mouth and just keeping himself above the water is an exhausting task. He doesn’t know how he’s going to get to Chris when he finally does find him.

As it turns out, he never gets to find out. A cluster of debris rams into him, pushing all the air out of his lungs, before dragging him down under as his foot gets stuck. Helplessly he tugs at it, vision whiting out from the pain, since of course it has to be his bad leg.

Before he can drown, the debris cluster hits a building and so does Buck. It wrenches at his leg, making him pass out, but freeing him in the process.

Buck floats down towards the sea unconscious for another second, before hitting a street sign, which wakes him up again. He flails about and almost drowns a dozen more times, before he grabs onto what at one point was wind indicator, but is now a broken pole where debris congregates.

He looks around desperately for Chis, calling out his name, but there is no response nor sign from the kid anywhere.

The heavy feeling of defeat settles in his bones as he clings to that pole, sporadically getting hit by debris as slowly the water level goes down. No miracle happens. Chris doesn’t appear. He hits the ground with a sharp pain in his leg and Chris nowhere in sight.

Chris is gone.

He lost him.

Buck lost him.

How is he ever going to live with himself? How is he ever going to tell Eddie? Buck left Chris alone for a second to save someone he didn’t even know. He let Chris fall. He let Chris drown. Buck lost him. He lost their son.

And for what? To save some people he doesn’t know? When Maddie was kidnapped by Doug and in serious danger, he hesitated, because he wanted to come home to his family, preserve what he had. Yet, here he abandoned Chris, the one person he wanted to come home to, because he wouldn’t understand.

He abandoned Chris right in front of his face, left him behind with nothing more than a ‘hold on’ while he focused on someone else. What kind of person is he? What does it say about him that he would abandon his sister for himself and his son for a stranger?

How will he ever look Eddie in the eye and tell him their son died, because Buck was playing the hero?

Buck isn’t on the clock right now, is still on medical leave. He’s a firefighter, sure, but he isn’t coming in after the fact to help with the rescue like those that are out there right now. He was hit by that wave, in the thick of the disaster. He’s a victim here, someone to be saved. He didn’t need to help anyone.

He should have left all those people behind to die. He should have held Chris as tightly as he could and never let him go, no matter what was happening around them.

‘You saved me. And you saved them.’

Chris’s words from before echo through his mind and he lifts his head to the sky to keep the tears in. He didn’t save anyone, especially not Chris. But it is how Chris sees him. He saves people. It’s why he couldn’t have abandoned anyone.

Because Buck is Buck and Buck saves people. He can still remember Chris bragging to his grandparents how his papi and daddy are heroes. How could he disappoint him by leaving those people when Chris was already safe beside him?

Chris was safe.

He was supposed to be safe.

Buck was supposed to keep him safe, but he failed. He failed and he has to fix this.

Determination comes over him and he uses the pole to steady himself. His ribs are bruised, maybe even broken and he has a headache like no other, not to mention his leg hurting almost worse than when he first got the injury. However, none of that matters, he has a mission to complete. He has to find Chris.

There is nothing else for him to worry about now. He is going to find Chris even if it kills him and he’s going to bring him home. He’s going to face Eddie with an alive Chris. He refuses to face an alternate reality.

Eddie is probably out there somewhere, helping people. That is his job. Eddie is out there as a firefighter, Buck is out here as a father. It’s his job to find Chris. They’ve always shared the responsibility, passed it back and forth to make it manageable. Right now, Buck holds the responsibility. He won’t fuck that up. Buck fixes things, he can fix this too.

It doesn’t matter that Eddie has been pulling away recently, that he’s figuring himself out. The two of them are still a unit as they’ve always been. Just because Eddie is going to leave Buck, doesn’t mean that their little family is gone entirely. They still have each other’s back out in the field, so Buck needs to have his back.

Buck will always be connected to Eddie through Chris. Eddie trusts him with Chris’s safety, trusts him to watch him while Eddie takes the space he needs. Just like Buck trusted him with Chris when he was chasing after Maddie or in the hospital.

Of course he’ll always love Eddie, he loves him so fucking much, but Chris was the first Diaz that stole his heart, albeit in a different way.

Eddie feels like safety and home. He feels like a solid rock that Buck can always come back to and be met with open arms. He knows Buck wholly and he never left. Not really. He had to enlist and recently he ran. However, he never left. He stayed close, he didn’t abandon him. Buck believes that somehow, sometime, they’ll come back to each other, even if it’s as nothing other than friends.

But Chris- Chris is his kid. His best friend, who amazes him every day. He loves Chris so much. Chris, who is so small, who has been entrusted to Buck, who he has nurtured and seen grow into such an amazing person. Chris is a piece of his soul, that is just walking around. Chris relies on him, looks at him for guidance, for comfort, for parenting. Buck will never take that for granted.

The thought is enough to propel him forward into action. He straightens himself up and looks around. The water pulled them back out to the sea, Chris was taken by the same tide as him, he probably washed up somewhere close to him. He just has to start searching, he’s bound to find Chris at some point.

It’s worse than having to find a needle in a haystack, but he ignores that part of reality. Thinking like that isn’t going to get him anywhere, isn’t going to fix this. Chris is still out there. He has to be.

Those first few steps he nearly buckles under the pain, but he has to keep moving. He doesn’t have time for pain and he knows he can keep pushing through. The human limit is much further than most people think, he’s seen people push through things much worse than a few bruises and a twisted ankle.

It’s a struggle at first. The water is still coming to his waist and slowly flowing back to the sea, so pushing against him. However, after a few near misses that send his heart beat skyrocketing, he gets into a rhythm.

Looking around, he sees that what is left of the pier is to his left and that the fire engine they took shelter on is also left from his position, even if it’s further inland. The water must have pulled him right, which means it pulled Chris right too.

He turns his back on both places and heads right.

Around him, more people are making their way through the disaster towards higher ground. Buck makes sure to take a good look at every person he passes, trying to see if he can catch sight of Chris, found by someone else. Safe.

No luck.

Turning onto a street, he hears someone yell: “Hey! There’s a kid under there.”

Immediately Buck is rushing to help. He hopes naively that it’s Chris, that it will be that easy. But he should have known better. Going off the shoes, he’s pretty sure it’s not Chris, but he isn’t going to let someone die. Especially not a kid. That’s someone’s child. He would want someone to save Chris too if they had the chance. Isn’t that what Hen said during the earthquake? This is no different.

He tells himself he’s not going to make detours to rescue people when he doesn’t have to, but this is basic human decency. Besides, with her free, he can stop the people she’s with, before they leave to ask them if they’ve seen Chris.

“Hey, hey, hey, excuse me,” he stops the group. “I’m looking for an eight-year-old boy. His name is Christopher. He’s always smiling, and he’s got CP, Cerebral Palsy. He’s got brown hair, yellow shirt.” He thinks about mentioning the glasses, but Chris probably lost them.

The surfer guy with long hair, thinks for a moment, then nods: “Yeah, yeah. I think I saw him.”

The feeling of hope, so fragile yet too big to contain his body is almost impossible to describe as he asks: “Where?”

“He was headed with a group that that cupcakery place,” surfer guy says. “I heard they’re handing out water.”

“Cupcakery? What is that?” Buck asks, needing more information so he can find Chris.

“You know, cupcake bakery. It’s about six or seven blocks south of here on Strand,” surfer guy explains.

While he is usually a fan of new tidbits of knowledge, right now he can’t give a single flying fuck about what a cupcakery is exactly. However surfer boy has given him workable information to go off with the address. “Thank you. Thank you.”

The girl is not the last person, he pulls out of the rubble on his search for Chris. And surfer guy is not the last person that gives him information on Chris that turns out to be nothing.

However, the disappointment never stops Buck. He has to keep going, keep searching, keep believing that Chris is alive and out there. That he just has to find him. That all he has to do is get to him and it’ll be okay.

A part of him can understand that it might be denial, but he doesn’t have space for anything else. If he lets himself think that, all the aches and pains he feels will pull him under and he can’t allow that to happen. He knows he’s injured, but he has to push through. For Chris.

Buck doesn’t give up. He can’t. Not until Chris is safe. He just has to keep swimming. Just has to fix this, even if it kills him. There is no other option, not for him, not when it comes to his son.

~~

A/N:

I’m sorry if you thought you’d find out what Eddie would do this chapter, it was a deception. Let’s cross our fingers Buck doesn’t die before someone can find him!

[undead-knick-knack]

Welp, they're fucked 🥲

[kuruna]

Jedda is fun because he's like "hmmm our king is so sentimental and soft hearted and wimpy 😑 Kalos has grown prosperous but it's strength as a nation is only surface level. But were the king to become more ruthless....." but then he died because of that train of thought 🫶🏾

[morganthefey]

so I’ve recently jumped into the dbh/reed900 fandom after playing the game and watching detroit evolution so UM if anyone has any fic recs for r9, especially if they match the vibe of evolution I will love you forever

[trash-can-sam]

What happens when your coworker kills your other coworker but both of you are in a relationship (kind of) with the same ethereal woman who had an admiration for said dead coworker.

+bonus Evandrey because it’s funny to me (I’m sorry Eva.)

[spooky-dice]

btw everything going on with kristen and cassandra is good and in-character you just don’t know her like i do lol

[ro-sham-no]

looking and dying, a poem by me.

[cozy-the-overlord]

Seeing people complain about the Speak Now vault tracks being too teenagery …. gee, you’d almost think a teenager wrote them /s

[sodachalice]

im so fucking sick of white people talking about furry art. shut the fuck up. you all sound like nazis

[schrijverr]

I Didn’t Mean to Say I Do, but I Do. I Do. 32

Chapter 32 out of 50

Secret marriage of convenience buddie slow burn AU, where Buck and Eddie have been married for years so Buck could adopt Chris and no one at the 118 knows.

In this chapter, Buck wakes up to find no one except Chris and Eddie in his hospital room, the more time passes, the more he questions why no one else is there. Eddie has to explain what went down while he was out, before another bombshell is dropped on them.

On AO3.

Ships: Buddie (slow burn)

Warnings: ableism mention, emotionally abusive parents mention, insecurity, self loathing, injury, homophobia mention, referenced near death experience

~~~

Chapter 32: Breaking the News

Buck feels groggy and bone tired as he tries to pull himself to consciousness. A part of his brain registers beeping and the sterile smell of a hospital – which he is very familiar with due to the line of work he’s in, his kid and the injury prone people he surrounds himself with – but it’s not yet connecting that to what that might mean.

He is yanked out of his limbo by Chris, who half clambers on top of him as he yells: “Papi! You’re awake!”

Behind him, he can hear Eddie call out: “Mijo, be careful! He’s hurt,” while Buck fully opens his eyes and clicks the pieces together that he’s in the hospital, because he’s hurt.

Once he has the realization that he’s injured, the dull ache that comes with being medicated hits him with full force. He hasn’t been in a hospital like this since he was a teen, but he still knows the feeling well and gathers that he’s broken a bone at least.

With momentous effort he moves his arm, hugging Chris to his chest as he lazily croaks: “Hey, buddy.”

“You’ve been asleep for forever,” Chris complains. “It was so boring.”

“Because he had to rest,” Eddie explains, with a gentle tone that informs Buck he’s explained it a hundred times before, as he appears on Buck’s other side. He holds a glass of water so Buck can drink with a: “Here.”

“Thanks,” Buck smiles, taking a sip. He knows that he got stuck under that engine, but he barely remembers anything after he was pulled out from under it, except the blinding pain. He desperately wants to know what happened, but he doesn’t want to traumatize Chris by asking.

Oblivious to his inner turmoil, Chris happily says: “But he’s done resting now, right?”

Eddie, however, is a little more in tune with Buck, so he says: “Well, he’s not done resting, but he can be awake for a little bit. But he’d probably like a snack for breakfast, so why don’t you and Carla go pick out a chocolate bar for him?”

Chris pulls a thinking face for a moment, considering the request from his perch on the bed next to Buck. On the one hand, picking out a chocolate bar is fun and a highly important task to a seven year old, on the other hand, he doesn’t want to leave Buck’s side.

Buck’s heart melts a little and under different circumstances, he would have loved nothing more than to keep Chris there, but he does really want to know the verdict. So, to encourage Chris, he says: “You know daddy has horrible breakfast taste.”

That makes Chris giggle and he whispers way too loud to actually be a whisper: “He does, he wanted a Bounty.”

“Oh, that is bad,” Buck agrees, pulling a face, wanting to muffle his laughter and failing.

“Yeah, yeah, I can hear you,” Eddie mock complains, as he moves to lift Chris off the bed. “Go have better taste than me, huh, buddy.”

“Don’t worry, daddy, I’ll find you something better too,” Chris informs him cheerily with a bit of little shit thrown in, before he and Carla leave the room.

For a second, Buck meets Eddie’s eyes, the two of them sharing a fond smile at Chris’s antics, before reality sets in again. Scared and tentative, Buck says: “I, uh- I remember it being bad. What did the doctors say?”

Eddie hesitates for a second. Eddie never hesitates like that, so Buck braces for the worst. “Uhm, well, you’re now the proud owner of one titanium rod and four cobalt-chromed screws. Surgery went okay for how you were looking coming in. They’re expecting you to walk again.”

Relief washes over him, mixing in with confusion. “But that’s great, right? Why are you still looking like you got sentenced to the gallows?”

“It got pretty close for a second there,” Eddie admits, looking shaken. The only time he ever looked like that is the day Buck met him at the Johnson farm. Softly he says: “They nearly amputated, you’re gonna have chronic pain for the rest of the life. You’re gonna walk, but they’re not sure if you’re gonna work, Buck.”

“Wh- What?” Buck chokes as he struggles to place the information.

Remembering the accident, he knew it was bad, I mean, he got tossed out of an exploding fire engine that then landed on him. He assumed it would be bad, further confirmed by Eddie sending Chris away to break the news, but that… that is a lot.

He’s been in a lot of accidents, but he’s always come out unscathed. It’s ridiculous with the line of work he’s in, with what he sees every day, but a part of him never believed something truly bad could actually happen to him, yet here he is, faced with the reality that that just isn’t how the world works.

If he’s honest with himself, it’s not even the chronic pain part or the nearly amputated that gets to him. He knows that chronic pain is nothing to sniff at, and he’s absolutely not looking forward to figuring out how bad it’s going to get, and while loosing a leg would have been a massive adjustment, it’s not the end of the world. No, what gets to him is that they’re not sure he’s gonna work again.

When Eddie says it, he knows it’s about firefighting. Both of them know that this is his job. He might have only started because it was the best option with his level of education and the income they needed, but he fell in love with it.

Buck is a firefighter to the core.

It’s not as if he’s only a firefighter of course, he’s a father, a brother, a friend, even a husband – though he tries not to think about the last one too much, because it always messes with his heart – but those are personal. In his profession, a firefighter is all he wants to be.

But just because he wants to be that, doesn’t mean he’ll get to. The doctors aren’t sure he’s going to work again. If he wants to be a firefighter, he’ll need to re-certify after an injury like this and he might never make the cut again.

Then he’ll have to find another job. A new job. A job he’ll probably hate, or at least won’t be as good as what he has now. He’s done it before, many times already, but the thought alone is still enough to make him feel ill.

“Hey, don’t- don’t do that. They’re not sure, with your stubbornness, who knows what will happen,” Eddie snaps him back to the room. It’s a little stilted and stunted, but he means it.

Buck is sure his eyes are still devastated, but he manages a watery smile: “Yeah, you’re right. I mean, we’re practically PT experts at this point, right?”

“Yeah, Chris is already excited about giving you all the tips.” There is a clear relief in Eddie’s voice when Buck reacts like that instead of breaking down into tears, something Buck would make fun of him for just a little, if he weren’t still feeling so fragile.

“Can’t wait,” he says, trying to mean it and semi-succeeding.

Before they can get into it more, Chris and Carla return triumphantly with arms full of vending machine snacks. The second he sees him, his enthusiasm and smile become real. “Oh wow, Superman, that’s quite the haul. Lemme figure out these buttons so I can sit up.”

Chris proudly shows off the candy and chocolate, going into great detail about why he chose the things he did. Buck has never found any other talk more interesting than this one. Whatever will happen with his job, this at least, will still be here. He won’t lose his family.

He eats his chocolate bar with Chris squeezed in beside him. He still feels a little groggy and maybe a little scared too, but he’s managing pretty well all things considered.

After a bit a doctor comes by to check on him. He doesn’t know her, but Eddie seems like he does, giving her an awkward half smile. When Buck sees that he quirks a brow at him, curious why she’s getting that reaction, but Eddie only gives him a shake of the head, before he nods to tell Buck he needs to pay attention to what she’s doing.

Then Eddie quickly leaves the room with Chris for a bathroom trip and a coffee run. Tea for Buck, since he’s not allowed coffee yet.

When the doctor is gone, Buck asks Carla: “What was up between Eddie and the doctor?” He can’t imagine what would make Eddie uncomfortable like that. Maybe he flirted with her? Or vise versa and it didn’t go well? But that seems out of character. Still, it’s not entirely unplausible and the thought knots his stomach.

“I wasn’t there for it, but when she came to break the news about you, it got ugly in the waiting room, especially when she suggested they’d amputate,” Carla tells him.

Not what he expected, but better than he feared. Eddie was probably upset at the thought or something, or angry on his behalf that this was his fate and now likely feels awkward about what was a messy altercation about it. The thought makes him feel warm and his stomach untangles itself.

He smiles at Eddie when he comes back into the room. Eddie studies him for a second, before deciding it looks genuine and he returns the smile. As always, the sight of that smile makes Buck’s heart flip and he hates the heartbeat monitor he’s hooked up with for giving that away as he blushes and quickly focuses on Chris to avoid having to look at Eddie.

Some awkwardness keeps lingering and Buck focuses primarily on Chris as to not talk about it. He also naps some here and there, which is still very boring according to Chris, but he lets him doze. At some point, Carla leaves and a bit later Buck gets an actual meal in the form of lunch.

By the time lunch is gone and the afternoon is creeping in, he finds himself wondering where Maddie is. He can understand she had to work or organize her own stuff in the morning. He also didn’t show up until the afternoon when she was in the LA hospital after Doug, but it’s already getting late and he hasn’t heard from her at all.

The others not being there is also a little weird, but they have their own families to go home to after being in an explosion and maybe there is paperwork to be done around the incident or something. So, he doesn’t question them not being there, while Eddie is (the thought of Eddie and Chris not being there never even crossed his mind). But Maddie’s absence is weird.

So, he asks: “Where’s Maddie? I half thought she would have been hovering already.”

The joke is to cover the hurt. He can’t remember a serious injury Maddie wasn’t there for. It’s how it’s supposed to go, her being there because he got hurt. He half expected the others there too, everyone waited for Chim to wake up. Maybe his injury wasn’t serious enough? Was that it? It felt serious, but comparatively, he might be blowing it out of proportion? It’s just a broken leg after all, they see worse every day, no matter how scared he’d been at the time.

That is before he sees Eddie’s face. It shutters for a second, pain being reflected in those beautiful eyes of his, before they become blank. He tugs Chris onto his lap and seems way more interested in adjusting him than looking at Buck as he says: “She had to go home. They were all there until you got out of surgery, but there was an explosion, you know. They went home to rest. Athena said she’d and Bobby would come by later. So did Hen.”

It’s a weak excuse and Eddie’s heart isn’t in it. Buck can easily make out that there is something wrong, very wrong. A bit sharper, he asks: “Eddie, what happened?”

Eddie stares at the top of Chris’s head for a moment, as if that will change anything. Chris just looks confused, eyes flicking from Buck to Eddie, then back. If Buck had known it would be a serious conversation, he wouldn’t have started it in front of him, but he’s started it and now that he knows there is information to know – information to explain why no one is there – he is desperate to know.

When the silence drags on and Eddie figures out Buck isn’t going to break it, he finally looks up and says: “I’m your medical next of kin, Buck. I got to make the call on what happened to you when you were in surgery. Maddie wanted to make a different call, but as your husband, my opinion was the only one that counted. Everyone was there for that conversation.”

He brings it delicately enough that Chris doesn’t pick up on the intricacies, but with enough clarity that Buck immediately knows what happened; they’re busted.

“Oh. That’s not good.”

Eddie laughs humorlessly. “Yeah, you can say that. Bobby, uhm- he wasn’t pleased. He has to appear in front of the LAFD brass today. He’s still waiting on the verdict of his suspension and now this has come on top of it.”

Buck’s heart sinks at the news. Both knew they were taking a risk when they started lying at work, but that was always meant to be just the two of them, who were taking that risk. Now it’s the whole station, especially Bobby, that are jeopardized. No wonder no one is there, he’s about to lose them all their jobs.

The thought of everyone turning against him, against them, makes him paralyzed with fear. He loves the 118, the family he made there. Sure, he had tía Pepa and Abuela, but they have always been Eddie’s side of the family, in a way, the 118 was his side, before he had Maddie.

But now he has neither.

A part of him can’t help but be incredibly disappointed that this was what was too much for Maddie, that this is what made her run. Again.

Buck knows that they hadn’t spoken in years before she came back into his life and that they’ve had their ups and downs. They promised no more lies and Buck broke that. He broke the trust they had just rebuilt, but he at least expected her to be here to yell at him about it. Not this.

He is crushed. He fucked it all up. He just got her back and now he’s pushed her away. All he wanted to do was spare her the headache of keeping the secret, but now it’s out in the open and he lost her.

However, he can’t feel like that right now. There is still a chance he can make it right with Maddie, explain his side, grovel, apologize, try to make it up to her. He doesn’t know if he can make it up to the others, but he has hope about maybe Maddie and that is something he needs to cling to, because he can’t break down when Chris is right there.

So, he plasters on a grin and says: “Well, hopefully our news heroics swing it in our favor. I remember the cameras, do you think they got my good side?”

For a moment Eddie looks as if he can’t believe Buck just said that with all the deep shit they’re in, which gets wiped off and replaced with understanding the second Chris giggles. “Of course it will, papi, you’re the best heroes.”

“Ahw, thank you, Superman,” Buck smiles, the expression feeling more real and less strained. “Want to show me the drawing you’ve been working on?”

Chris happily clambers off Eddie’s lap to return to his place on Buck’s bed to show him his drawing. Meanwhile Eddie gets up to stare out of the window. Buck wishes he could make it better, but he can’t do anything from his place in the hospital bed. All they can do is wait until they get word from the brass. If Eddie feels the need to brood while they wait, he can brood.

They have to leave when the night comes, but Eddie promises he and Chris will be back the next day, so he won’t be alone. Eddie offers to ask for a cot so they can stay there, but Buck tells him to go home. Chris being properly supported while he sleeps is more important than Buck’s abandonment issues.

The next day, tía Pepa comes by too. When she comes into his room she claps her hand over her mouth as tears spring into her eyes, then she rushes forward to give him a big hug. “Oh, Buck. Are they feeding you well in here? I’ll make you some food.”

“Thank you, tía Pepa,” Buck smiles, melting into the hug. “But I’m fine, I promise. I’m gonna be out of here soon. Probably today or tomorrow.” Then he remembers he likely can’t cook when he gets back, so Eddie is on chef duty. “But maybe some food would be nice for when I get discharged.”

“I’ll make sure to bring some by when Eddie springs you,” Pepa tells him with a wink. She also knows whose cooking he’s going to be stuck with.

Chris is also excited to see his tía. Buck doesn’t know whether it’s good or bad thing that Chris feels comfortable enough in hospitals to treat this as normal. With how Eddie danced around his prognosis when Chris was in the room, he thinks Eddie shielded him from how bad Buck got hurt and how close it got. So, he probably doesn’t even realize how serious this could be.

He puts it out of his mind for now, just like he puts the lack of other visitors, lack of messages and cards or flowers, out of his mind. He has Chris and Eddie. That’s all he had for a long time and that’s enough. It has to be. It is. …Only he also misses what he had. Just a little.

Still, worrying about that seems practically inconsequential when two uniformed LAFD officers enter his hospital room. The first one identifies himself: “Firefighter Buckley, Probationary Firefighter Diaz, I’m the Chief of Staff for the LAFD, Mike Brandson, my colleague here is the Deputy Chief from HR, Miranda Halleway.”

“I’ll take Chris for a moment,” Pepa says, whisking a confused Chris away with a small frown and short: “Bye, daddy, bye papi.”

Both Buck and Eddie say bye back, because it’s important in their family to say bye. Even if both of them internally wince, because that’s not a good look for them, which is confirmed by raised eyebrows they get from Brandson and Halleway.

“We have been informed by Captain Nash that the two of you are married, but have failed to file the appropriate paperwork that would potentially allow the two of you to work together, instead choosing to lie to the department, creating an unassessed safety risk and liability in the meantime,” Brandson starts.

He levels both of them with a stern look and Buck feels a despair grip at his throat. This is already not sounding great for them.

“However, when informing us of this, Captain Nash imparted on us that this is because the two of you are not actually together,” Brandson continues. “Further clarification was not given, so we would like to know exactly what was meant by that.”

Room to explain and share their side. Neither of them had expected that and they share a quick look, before Eddie gestures to Buck to explain.

“Well, I met Eddie when I was living in El Paso in 2015, it was. I knew his ex-wife and had met Chris while he was with the army the year before. We didn’t speak much at first, but then Shannon left, signing over custody to Eddie. It’s a lot to suddenly do it alone, so I offered to help,” Buck explains. “I worked days, Eddie nights. Just friends, but co-parenting. Then Chris needed two surgeries and PT is expensive. Eddie needed to sign up for another tour to get the bills paid, but then he’d have to leave Chris with his parents and he didn’t want that.”

“Might I ask why you didn’t want that, Mr. Diaz?” Halleway cuts in, directing the question to Eddie, who’s been quietly nodding along.

Eddie’s mouth tightens into a line, before he tells them the harsh truth Buck doesn’t think he ever even admitted to himself out loud like this. “Because they’re overbearing and baby Chris to the point of debilitating him further. I want my kid to be healthy, Deputy Chief. I want him to have as much independence as he can. And I wanted to get him back when I got home. I know what they say about teen parents, but I love that kid like crazy, okay? I don’t want to lose him.”

Halleway nods, writing something down on a notepad. Neither of them know if that’s good. Buck wants to check in with Eddie after that confession, but he’s staring out of the window again, arms crossed and shoulders tight.

Buck decides to tell the story further. “Uhm, yeah, that. So, I offered to adopt Chris, you know. Take care of him while Eddie was away until he could come back and we could do it together again. He was already kind of my son too at that point.”

“And you don’t find that an offer that is unusually close for just two friends?” Halleway asks.

“No!” Buck frowns, slightly offended she’d ask that. “I like helping people, it’s one of the reasons I became a firefighter. Eddie became family, as did Chris. I didn’t have anyone back then. Maddie, my sister, only got back into my life late last year after not speaking to her since I was nineteen and I still haven’t spoken to my parents since then. Of course I was going to offer to help.”

Halleway gives him a skeptical look, but writes something down again, before asking: “And how did marriage come into play?”

“The easiest and fastest way to adopt a kid is through stepparent adoption,” Buck shrugs. “It’s not like either of us had anyone we wanted to marry, so it made sense with the time frame we had. It was convenient, nothing more. Eddie got hurt in the army, he could stay on my income while he recovered, as could Chris. Tax breaks are nice and we’re good friends. Best friends. Our plan has always been to divorce when we found someone to settle with, but we just haven’t met anyone yet.”

At that Halleway makes a soft humming sound. “So why didn’t you inform Captain Nash or the LAFD that you were married to each other?”

“You don’t have to declare marital status,” Buck tells her, a little annoyed at her attitude. “It’s part of the anti-discrimination laws. I didn’t want to have my on paper gay marriage there when I didn’t even know who I was going to be working under. Not to mention that it wasn’t a traditional marriage out of love. I am single, just legally married.”

“And when the two of you decided to lie to work together? According to Captain Nash, everyone at the 118 was under the impression, the two of you met last year at the station.”

“That might have been a bad call on our part. But our situation is complicated to explain and it’s a hassle to make people understand. It would be easier to not have to do it, but when you say you know each other, people wonder what from. We lied, because it was easier.”

“Without thinking to file a fraternization papers?”

“Why would we? We weren’t dating. Look, the two of us working together isn’t any different than other friends working together. And friends are allowed to work together, every day. We didn’t feel the need to file those papers, because they aren’t true for us now and they weren’t true for us when we started working there.” He and Eddie aren’t dating, no matter how much Buck wishes they were sometimes. They’re just married.

“Would you not state that the two of you have a connection that are different from best friends. The two of your are co-parents, are you not?”

“We are,” Buck confirms and Eddie nods sharply. “But the fraternization papers are specifically about dating a coworker, there are no specifications about raising a kid together. Are divorced couples with kids meant to file those papers? What about foster parents, who happen to get custody over the child of a coworker? There are no clear specifications, we didn’t file, because from what we could see, they didn’t apply.”

He’s gaining steam now and goes on: “Not informing anyone that we had a legal connection might not have been the best call, but it wasn’t illegal. And looking at our record, you can see that we never prioritized each other on calls. We have remained professional at the job and left our private life at home, that’s not a crime. The people we work with every single day, didn’t pick up on anything weird about our conduct on the job, until I was hospitalized and Eddie had to make a medical decision for me.”

It’s quiet for a second, then Halleway clears her throat and asks: “Do you have anything to add to Mr. Buckley’s words, Mr. Diaz?”

“No, uh, I think he said all that needed to be said,” Eddie says.

“Thank you gentlemen,” Brandson nods.

“So what will happen now?” Buck asks.

“Well, after your public injury, we won’t cut you loose, Mr. Buckley. You’re put on paid medical leave for the time being, while we investigate your claims further. There likely will be a verdict on whether or not there will be any disciplinary actions, before you’re fit to return,” Brandson tells him and Buck doesn’t inform him that he might never return.

“And what about me?” Eddie asks.

“You’re being suspended without pay, Mr. Diaz. For the coming three weeks at least while we determine whether you can continue to finish your probationary year at the LAFD.”

With that, the two LAFD officers shake their hands and say their goodbyes, before leaving Buck and Eddie in the hospital room, shaken and with an unsure future hanging over their heads.

~~

A/N:

If I look like I know how the LAFD works, I regret to inform you that I do not. Here we live of fanfic vibes, so do not take this as anything but my plot convenient whimsy! :D