#self-esteem is a spectrum and there is no right amount but low self-esteem is a thing anyway. Tricky.

[gingergofastboatsmojito]

Perspective

Back to my musings for FF purposes.

Let's compare self-esteem to capital (emotional capital) and let's say that capital is dollars, just for the sake of this example. OK?

So if you have low self-esteem issues, you may have say $2 and if you have regular healthy self-esteem you may have around $1000, ok? Being the average: $800 to $1200, for instance.

BTW: There's no right or wrong amount of self-esteem, there's only wellness/fulfillment levels that vary throughout our lives. So what truly matters is how fulfilled we feel. If we feel quite unfulfilled that is a clear indication that our self-esteem is compromised.

Back to the example: What those $1000 may look like from the low self-esteem folk's perspective is like a fortune, but in truth, they are just $1000. Average. Now from the perspective of those who only have $2 in their pocket... is understandable that the perception is "different", those $1000 may seem like a lot. They are not. Let's not even mention those who have say $3000, which would hardly be a synonym for fortune but for those with only $2 may seem Forbes material and quite frankly, they may even envy them, which is sad, yet fathomable.

It's important not to confuse ego with self-esteem, though. Again, for someone with self-esteem issues, a person with a healthy level of self-esteem may seem flat-out egotistical. That is why toxic people tend to reject healthy people unless they can feed off of them. Because the healthy ones bring to the surface by contrast that which they deny or hate about themselves. That which they can't overcome. If they did, they would probably gravitate toward those with healthy levels of self-esteem, and not feel rejection.

It's more important to understand that none of us will always have $1000 in our pockets at all times. The logical and expected scenario is that our "emotional capital" may vary, maybe not significantly, but surely and constantly.

It's also crucial to understand that those with healthy levels of self-esteem are not necessarily trauma/trouble-free people, they're just people who in spite of their challenges, maintain a healthy self-esteem all along or most of the time, even in times of crisis. And it's OK not to be in that group at all times like I said. It's actually expected at a certain age or during certain phases, like mourning, when dealing with addiction, etc. But even in those cases, it is 100% possible to have a healthy amount of emotional capital. It's certainly not unattainable.

Last but not least, those with only $2 in their pockets may pretend to have a black CC to mask their real "emotional bankruptcy". Only those with a healthy level of "emotional capital" notice the difference between a fake black card holder and a real one, because when you are bankrupted you may feel anyone who has more than 2 dollars is rich and it’s obvious for those who don’t feel that way that you are acting “off” with ppl who just have more $ than you, whereas for you, with your $2 in your pocket, you’re acting just fine. Someone with $900 may find it laughable, but you find it fine and maybe even someone else with only $2, would totally agree with you, and also think that ppl with more money are rich. They are not, but you are bankrupted, so maybe working on your finances and getting back on your feet is a better idea than comparing yourself and others to those who have a healthy amount of capital. Then again, it's an idea that someone with only $2 may never think of, of course. But that can't be held against them, because they only have $2.

[aura-acolyte]

📝 - A private record ( Ex. Criminal, Medical, etc… )

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>384

Accessing file #384, Marie Birch codename Dragon's Child

Name: Marie Birch

Codename: Dragon's Child

Known Aliases: Mare, Chosen of Rayquaza, Hero of Hoenn

Age: 17

Gender: F

Height: 4'0''

Weight: 82 lb

Hair Color: Brown

Eye Color: Gray

Nationality: Johtonese

Current Home Region: Hoenn

Threat Level: Indeterminate

Known Pokemon

Kaen (Blaziken) - Registered Okami (Mightyena) - Registered Kyoshi (Lucario) - Registered Kusanagi no Tsuru (Doublade) - Registered Henka (Eevee) - Registered Kama (Raticate (Kantonese)) - Registered (kept in Snag Ball, Original Trainer unknown) Kaleo (Sandslash (Alolan, Shadow)) - Registered Latias - Unregistered Rayquaza - Unregistered

Notable Associates (For a Full List of Known Associates Click Here) Norman Normansson - Step-Father, Petalburg Gym Leader Professor [Redacted] Birch - Uncle, Provided Starter Pokemon Zinnia - Partner, Draconid Lorekeeper Steven Stone - Friend, Hoenn League Champion Archibald Aquarius - Honorary Father, Ex-Leader of Team Aqua, Current Co-Leader of Aqua-Magma Conservatory Maximillian Magmaria - Honorary Father, Ex-Leader of Team Magma, Current Co-Leader of Aqua-Magma Conservatory Quintessa Talib-Canadensis - Honorary Sister, Pokemon Researcher Jainitar - Friend, Owner of Sharkie's Magikarp Sanctuary Jax Deluth - Honorary Brother, Ex-Team Aqua Grunt, Berry Farmer Sidon - Honorary Nephew Simon [Redacted] - Friend, Devon Corp Glitch Pokemon Researcher, Former Silph Co. Employee Victoria Gonzap - Relationship Indeterminate, Wanted Terrorist, Leader of Team Neo-Snagem Derek Alloy - Relationship Indeterminate, Possible Member of Team Neo-Snagem Harmony - Acquaintence, Former Leader of Team Unity

Description: Marie Birch, or as she prefers to be called, Mare has been involved with multiple incidents in the past five years including the unleashing of the Legendary Pokemon Primal Groudon and Primal Kyogre by Team Magma and Team Aqua, the destruction of a meteor housing Deoxys on a collision course with earth, the Shadow Sky caused by Victoria Gonzap, and the recent Nihilego Incident in Alola. She is observed to have Aura Levels far exceeding that of any living being observed in recent history and is the Chosen of Rayquaza, capable of channeling godlike power. Her abilities include utilizing the movesets of Lucario and Rayquaza, speaking to and understanding Pokemon, superhuman speed and strength, and highly trained martial arts skills (for a full list of abilities see Here).

Psychological Profile: From the get go its clear that Marie Birch feels emotions very strongly. She has a hair-trigger temper and can switch between angry and cheerful on a whim. She often treats things that are commonly considered odd, unusual, or even downright dangerous as normal parts of life that everyone expreiences. Officially she has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

Unofficially, Marie has been noted to have a "Savior Complex", placing all of her self-worth on her ability to save as many people and Pokemon as possible. Her self-esteem is incredibly low, with her turning down or deflecting any compliment directed at her (on the opposite end of the spectrum she also gets angry when insulted). Furthermore she believes that crying implies that you've done something wrong and as such refuses to cry. All of this seems to be the result of an abusive upbringing as well as trauma from the Rayquaza Incident.

Marie has a strong sense of justice, desiring to right wrongs and prevent injustices. She is a big believer in second chances, offering them to any who might accept, and treats even her enemies with some amount of respect.

Perhaps her most dangerous quality is her refusal to give up. Even when pushed to her limits she continues on. No matter how injured she is or how close to death's door she pushes on. She would quite literally rather die than give up.

End of file. Please select the file you wish to view.

>Log Off

Logging off. Goodbye, [Redacted].

[dragonshoard]

vi being a super supportive and protective sister to jinx on meds is so sweet. Little bits of the old powder leaking out and mixing with the current medicated jinx.

anyone saying Vi wouldn't be 100% supportive (or try to be supportive) is lying to themselves. I will accept nothing less. 

I know antipsychotics can make people feel wired or tired depending on the person, and I'm gonna say in this case Jinx would be on the latter spectrum, lacking energy a lot of the time (especially the first few months as they work to get the dosage correct and find the right combination of drugs).

Vi would be worried despite the reassurance of doctors saying that it was a normal side effect and that they would work to figure out how to minimize the more debilitating side effects. 

It would be so sweet to see Vi coming home from work, bone tired, and seeing Jinx curled on Cait's fancy rug lazily drawing on a huge piece of paper someone provided (after she was firmly told that no you can't draw on the walls - this isn't Zaun). Vi would crouch down beside her and be reminded of how they used to do something similar when they were kids (same situation, different place). 

Smiling, Vi asks what Powder was drawing and Jinx just shrugs and looks frustrated, glaring at the scribbles on the page.

"I dunno. I can't - think of anything."

And like the annoying sister Vi can be she suggests that Powder draw her. That would get a small laugh and a shove, but Jinx is still visibly frustrated.

"Can't I just - stop taking the meds. I don't think they're helping.” 

Vi has to stop herself from saying something unhelpful and just - looks at her sister. Because she’s used to Powder (as both a young kid and an adult) having a near limitless amount of energy, to the point that she could remember how often she would have to ply Powder to sleep despite her insisting that she wasn’t sleepy (and sometimes throw a few pillows at her or sit on her for good measure if Vi woke up and realized that Powder was still up). 

But Powder on meds is quiet and that was never good. The bags under her eyes have faded over the last week of so, but not completely and even her shimmer tinted eyes are dull and vaguely lifeless. 

Vi doesn’t invalidate her, doesn’t reassure her that the meds were helping with some symptoms at least. Instead, she lies down next to her little sister and discusses what Powder wants to do about it.

“Do you want to talk to the doctor about this? She said it was normal to have moments of uh being ‘listless’ or hyper, but if it’s such an issue we can talk to her about changing your meds?” 

Powder thinks for a bit before finally shrugging, shifting until her head is on Vi’s shoulder (despite it being a somewhat awkward and uncomfortable position). 

They lie there for a while, Powder doodling random scribbles on her paper and just enjoying the moment. Caitlyn eventually comes home to find them both asleep on the ground, purple and pink tints on their faces and hands from being pressed against the colored paper. 

--im going into arcane!jinx analysis mode just warning you--

K this is a 180 to what I was talking about before but here we are. I’m putting it under read more just because this post is already a bit long. 

Personally, I don't think there is as big of a distinction between Powder and Jinx (despite what Jinx says). They're the same person, it's just that Powder was younger and less capable due to her circumstances. Powder's personality was definitely more reserved, but I could see her being like that because of low self-esteem and generally feeling unsure of how she fits in the group. Powder didn't have a place in the group that was "Vi, Claggor, and Mylo" despite how far Vi went to try and make one for her. That inability to be productive resulted in her being extremely stressed (worried about being left behind) and borderline desperate to have her inventions work. Her breakdown after Vi left with her brothers was not unpredictable. It was absolutely a long time coming.

I can see why Jinx likes to separate that time of her life from her current self (she has very negative connotations with the name "Powder" while Vi in comparison can do nothing but look back on the "good times", creating a separate experience), but doing so kind of prevents her from seeing how far she's come as a person and a creator.

A lot of us like to look back at our artworks, writings, and general creations and say "huh I really improved!" but Jinx doesn't have that luxury because of how she considers Powder to be a separate person from herself. As a result, her only point of comparison is what she has done or created as "Jinx" and even then her self-esteem relies on her ability to be of use to Silco.

Powder and Jinx both had a complex about being useful to their respective caretakers (Vi and Silco, respectively).

Powder and Jinx both had violent tendencies (though Vi has somehow forgotten that Powder was working on making bombs and talking about fighting the enforcers even at a young age).

The likeness is there.

[lovecinnatwist]

How would you go about writing omega Jason with Alpha Dick?

Man oh man- Omega!Jason with Alpha!Dick is always such a bop.

It depends really! I see so many fics with insecure Jason thinking Dick is too good for him which is nice and definitely in character- but sometimes it makes me crave the other end of the spectrum?

Like a confident, sexy Jason who teases Dick with his scent and body until the alpha wants to implode? I also like the idea of Jason being raised by an Omeganist!Alfred and Omega!Talia to be badass, sassy and sensual. Bras? Suppressants? Painful heats?

Not for Jason Todd!

He embraces his Omega-ninity and it wreaks havoc on Dick's hormones. Dick being a more conservative alpha would definitely find himself overwhelmed but enamored!

Here's something playful with a clumsy Alpha!Dick and confident pack Omega!Jason!

Tiddies Out - JayDick

Tags: Omegaverse, AlphaDick, OmegaJason, Pining, Crack treated Seriously, Lactating, Heat Cycles, Omega Tim, Alpha Bruce, Pup Damian- Just Dick being an obvious pining idiot and Jason enjoying his reactions-

Jason doesn’t mind being an omega. How could he when it’s one of the superior options? While Alpha’s often lost themselves to aggression during rutting season and beta’s scrambled to placate them- Omega’s got to sit back and watch the show.

Being the object of an alpha’s fascination has many perks. First off? The gifts. Lavish offerings make their way to him with little to no effort. Weaponry from Talia, Expensive silks and poisons from Ras, The latest tech from Tim and Bruce. It's an endless parade really. One of the few things that make this more bearable to put up with.

He’s a heavy milker. Always has been.

Maybe it’s from growing up in an abusive household. Perhaps it's in response to being closer to the pack’s pups or hell, maybe his body is just gearing up for the imaginary children it wants to have. Regardless of the reason Jason’s tits are aching.

They seem extra tender tonight. The cold dingy air does little to ease the tension under his armor. He shifts and the way his pads squish under bullet proof chest plates is a pain. He curses and tries to ignore it. Something that’s getting harder as the cotton under his clothing reaches its limit. Tsk- 4 hours his ass. It’s barely been 2 and he’s about to make a mess of his gear.

As annoying as it is. He reluctantly reaches into his kit to get two fresh napkins to change. Other omega’s might be shy to do this in public but Jason has always been more practical about it. Breasts are breasts, no reason to get all crazy about it.

Though it probably didn’t hurt that Jason himself had a nice rack. He knows what the other heroes say about him behind his back. His figure has never been more appreciated than now in his prime. The dip in the pit did wonders at helping him bulk up. Thighs thick, emphasising his trim waist. In the throws of season his ample chest gives him an illusion of an hourglass figure. While some people would say omega’s should be small and dainty, he has yet to meet an alpha or beta who can resist him.

Not to be vain but he is nothing else if not attractive.

He’s got his top half way off when the sound of a near violent thud echoes out in the darkness. The hiss of pain gives away the alpha before his scent can. Jason doesn’t even turn in his direction. Instead he keeps his attention on the sopping pads under the compression shirt. He hisses as the gentle adhesive pulls from his throbbing mamories.

“ You alright over there goldie? “

He gets a groan for an answer. A nicer person would have maybe let the other man know about his current state of undress. Too bad that Jason isn’t exactly known for being ‘nice’. He carefully wraps up one cotton cloth. Once he’s clean and dry, he applies another. It’s quick and easy work. The slight chill does wonders against his flush skin.

The worn form of Nightwing crawls from the side of the building. There’s a pretty good bruise on his cheek Jason is 90% sure that the acrobat had a less than graceful landing. He’s always been weird about nudity. Even back when they mostly had the same parts. He rolls his eyes as the man pointedly tries not to look at him. He can’t help scoffing at the false modesty.

“ Hood. You shouldn’t do this out in the open like this. Anyone could see you. “

Everyone knows Jason is an omega, by extension that means Red Hood. It’s one of the reasons why his territory is so well protected. No one wants to cross an omega. While the fangs in their mouths were now more for scruffing kits, no one had forgotten the days when they were for hunting prey and tearing out throats.

He would flash his at Dick but he’s wearing his helmet and would probably just looks stupid. He manages to get the other pad off. It’s absolutely drenched. His left teet is definitely working harder than the right. The sheer weight of the cotton makes a loud squelch as it hits the little plastic bag at his feet.

He snorts. “ And you know what they’d say N? Best tits in Gotham. “

The alpha’s face is anything but amused. The furrow of his brow and spike in his scent is territorial and aggressive. It’s laughable really considering the fact that between the two of them, Jason is actually the one in charge of protecting the pack. It’s all a part of being the lead omega.

Whether Bruce or Dick want to accept it or not.

“ Stop objectifying yourself like that. “

Jason enjoys the feeling of being clean and dry as he gets the other cotton adhesive on. It’s a welcome sensation. Especially when he straightens his armor and it’s a little less chafing and tight.

“ It’s only objectication if I say I’m only a nice pair of tits Wing. Luckily I’ve got a nice set of thighs too.“

He pays Dick no mind as he stands and packs away his used pads to be thrown away later. He might have to call it an early night at the rate. With the way fall is quickly approaching his heat is just dying to make an appearance. Perhaps he could get away with offering himself to the foster system. With the amount of milk he’s making now it would be better for the pups who need it to benefit instead of it all going to the trash.

“ Hood! “ The sound is a scandalized growl. It’s funny enough that Jason throws his head back and laughs free and clear. With the voice modulator it’s mean and menacing. Amusement bubbles in his chest. He can’t help taking off his helmet so that Dick can take in just how wide his smile is.

“ Sorry Wing. I’m a pretty girl. What can I say? “

Talia is nothing but progressive. While many omega’s in the west suffer from low self esteem. Jason learned his worth quickly. Confidence is beauty. The more one loves themselves, adores them selves and takes time to know themselves the more they blossom. It’s a deep healing that not everyone gets to understand. A privilege for a few chosen omegas. He cocks his head and smiles and see’s the exact moment Dick starts losing his footing in the conversation.

The alpha is tongue tied.

“ That’s not what I mean and you know it Hood. “

Jason shrugs. Once he’s got his stuff away he’s ready to run roofs and actually get some work done.

“ Sorry Goldie. It’s 2021 and haven’t you heard? Red Hood says free the tiddies. “

He doesn’t wait for a response as he makes a running start towards the edge of the building. It’s always such a thrill. He tucks a bit to clear the gap. The moment his legs touch the concrete the sound is silent despite the bulk of his frame. Dick calls after him but he loses the words in the wind. Laughter bubbles up in his throat. He wouldn’t be a prude just because his family wanted to be sexually repressed more than they wanted to be happy.

Dick doesn’t try to catch up with him and Jason finishes the night patrolling with Tim and Stephanie.

He manages to get an entire three hours out of the next set of pads. Instead of changing out in the open he accepts Alfred’s invitation back at the manor for a warm bath and cookies. Tim stares at his chest while Jason gets himself decent.

Tim is a gorgeous omega, with a slender petite frame and porcelain doll-like features. He always seems to get shy in the presence of Jason’s more unconventional curves.

Jason knows what low self esteem looks like. The younger omega wears it no matter how much bravo he tries to exude. Jason brushes against him briefly and lightly. His usual fragrance is marshmellowy from the sweetness of milk that clings to it.

There’s an immediate blush as Tim ducks away. Clearly he’s embarrassed from being caught. Though in reality where is the shame in a little boob appreciation amongst omegas?

“ You know Timmy, you gotta stop wearing bras. Maybe if you show a glimpse of those pretty pink nips Kon would take the hint. “

Tim goes red from his ears to his chest. Jason can practically see the steam coming from his ears. He slaps his hands over his petite breast quick enough to hurt. Jason wants to let him scamper off but instead he presses into his space even more. Long gone is the perfume of pup, now that Tim has come fully into his omega hood. Every day his scent leans more and more towards caramel and sugar.

“ Uhg you’re such a jerk. “

Tim tries to dodge out of his hold but Jason gets him anyway. The omega yelps and Jason ducks him right between each swollen peck. They are red and tender from patrol. He hasn’t put on new pads yet so some milk beads at his nipples. The little shriek Tim lets out is hilarious.

“ You’re going to get milk in my hair! Jason stop- God you suck- “

The omega fights and Jason lets him go before the two actually get into it. It’s light and playful. Well for the most part. Tim gets some milk on his face and the teen honest to God looks terrified. He curses all the way to the shower stall to take another quick bath all while Jason cackles at his misfortune.

“ I swear to God, when I start milking I'm going to get you back Ten fold! “

Jason rolls his eyes. As if.The last thing Jason’s afraid of is milk. It’s a natural thing. God everyone in this pack is repressed.

“ We’ll see about that Timberella! “

The omega hisses and Jason has to hold back a laugh as he leaves the shower. He’s so light and high from the interaction that he completely for gos a shirt. Not that he really wants to wear one. Not with how milk heavy and tender his chest is. Alfred’s always been pretty cool about it too. Being from the 60’s and all that jazz.

Jason maybe gets half way through the cave before the sound of metal crashing draws his attention. Dick walks cleanly into one of the metal tables in the middle of the lab space, knocking over tools and gadgets.

Bruce is thoroughly unimpressed from where he’s helping Damian stretch before bed. He’s in half of his costume, suppressors and scent blockers gone. The sheer disappointment in Damian’s gaze is astonishing.

“ Richard, please control yourself. “

The alpha looks like a deer caught in headlights, his mortification absolutely palpable in the air.

Jason does catch his eyes on his chest though. He smirks and sees the moment horror grows in those bright blue eyes. Instead of heading towards the stairs he decides to circle back towards the group.

Bruce chuffs from his position on the floor. He doesn’t stop what he’s doing but does tilt towards him in reverence. It’s been the biggest change in their dynamic. Bruce finally learning to respect Jason as not only a pack mate, but the pack omega. He greets him with a scenting.

Unlike Dick the alpha seems to pay little attention to his milking.

Damian’s puppy nose twitches as he leans towards him. It makes his heart flutter really. While Damian would never ask, Jason has thought of offering his breast many times. While Technically too old for it, they’ve all done their fair share of growing up too quickly. Something that Jason Laments as well as appreciates.

He scents Damian more thoroughly than Bruce, making him bristle. The boy tries to move out of his hold, hands swatting him away.

“ Todd cease your pestering immediately! If I smell of milk my peers will assume I still breastfeed. “

Jason snorts and pulls back from the prickly pup. Bruce gets a stupid fond look on his face and for a brief moment he feels it echoing on his lips.

“ And what’s wrong with that? If your pack omega is milking of course as a pup you’re welcome to it. “

Damian’s green eyes widen a fraction. His mouth opens in disbelief. Clearly, Damian in fact did not know that. Bruce stares as well, his scent turning into a sweet blend of ‘love-admiration-awe’. It draws a shiver up Jason’s spine. The tender mix of affection from his pack blankets over him like a net of spun sugar.

Jason doesn’t know why he feels drawn to look at Dick. The alpha hasn’t said anything in the past minute. He cuts his gaze to the stone still alpha and his heart flutters in excitement. The looks of jealousy and want is so strong that his intentions sparkle clear like aquamarine in shallow ocean waters.

The alpha is so much more honest when he thinks Jason isn’t looking.

He grins at Dick.

The alpha immediately shrinks in shame and embarrassment.

“ And of course any alpha spending my heat with me. “

[nepenthendline]

Mental Health Headcannons - Tsukishima, Kageyama, Ushijima, Tendou & Bokuto

All these are from my knowledge and based off of each character’s actions haikyuu, this is all my opinion so feel free to discuss other thoughts! I’m happy to talk about each more in depth if anyone would like it :) this is just me projecting my own problems on fictional characters

You can also message me if you wanna talk about these too!!

This is going to be long

TW: Mental health, learning difficulties, eating disorders, self-harm

Tsukishima - Depression, Anxiety & OCD

Tbh someone else (I’ve been trying to find their username to tag them but I can’t find it, they’re called something like theguessmonta but idk) has amazing posts about Tsukishima and his mental health which I totally agree with all of it so some of this is going to be pretty similar

I think his mental health problems started when he was quite young, around the time when the Akiteru drama happened so he’s been dealing with these for a while

Having depression can often make a person seem very disinterested/sarcastic/negative as a way of pushing back emotions and self-protection which explains a lot of the way Tsukishima acts towards some people (I have a whole post on how he isn’t just some asshole)

His anxiety stems from a place of terrible self-esteem and self-image, it’s clear to see he has a bad sense of self-worth when he talks about how people are obviously a lot better than him, he’s just there to ‘stop trouble happening’

Tsukki suffers from panic attacks quite regularly (especially when he was a bit younger) but he tends to shut himself off then they happen, he doesn’t want anyone else to see him like that

His anxiety and overthinking is often why he keeps his headphones on him at all times, listening to music helps drown out the sounds around him and those in his head

His OCD got worse over time - first it was things like turning the light switch on and off repeatedly until it felt right, or tapping on his desk before he went to bed, but as his anxiety and self-esteem got worse it developed into him needing himself to be perfect

This included only eating a certain amount of calories a day (no where near the amount he should be eating) or getting a very specific grade on an exam, where even one number over or under set him into a panic

Things got to their worst for Tsukki around the age of 13 - this is where he was much too underweight and self-harming on his hips (so no one else could see)

Probably also thought about suicide a couple times around this point

He has tried a couple different types of anti-depressants in the past, however none have seemed to help

He likes a lot of time alone - he gets too overwhelmed dealing with other people

The only person besides his family and Yamaguchi that knows about his OCD is Kageyama - they both noticed each others odd, repetitive habits until Kageyama asked him about it one day, while they don’t get along too well, they feel some comfort in each other understanding their actions

Kageyama - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

wow what a smooth segue 

this boy is like a walking definition of ASD - coming from a person with ASD

Kageyama was diagnosed with Type 1/High-functioning Autism when he was very young (probably around 3-5 years old)

He struggles with social interaction, knowing what to say to people and most importantly, how to say it, e.g. when he smiles people often think he looks angry

Kageyama has never had many, if any, friends before Karasuno, as he has often struggled with conversation and speaking in an inappropriate tone that may make some people uncomfortable or even scared

He isn’t very good when it comes to remembering academic studies but if it relates to his fixations (volleyball) he is extremely intelligent - this is seen clearly when Daichi shows their team hand gestures and Kageyama says he remembered them in a day

Kageyama uses masking a lot - it’s a technique people with ASD tend to do which involves copying other peoples actions in order to understand social situations, he does this many times in the anime/manga such as his awkward BBQ song dance, or high-fives

He visited a social worker once a week while he was little until he started middle school, resulting in his behaviours getting worse

Towards the end of his first year at Karasuno he went back to therapies regularly and has anger-management training in order to help him express himself in a manageable way - he probably won’t admit it but it helps a lot (key note is that having anger-management training often does not have anything to do with anger, simply just managing emotions in general but it often a great type of therapy for those with ASD although he is a bit of an angry boi sometimes)

ASD comes with repetitive, almost OCD-like tendencies - two examples include filing his nails every single day and having a very specific routine before going to bed that consists of drinking milk, putting on pjs, laying in bed and throwing + catching a ball, brushing his teeth and going to bed on his left side - if he doesn’t do these things at the right times/in the right order, he gets extremely anxious and agitated

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Ushijima - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

autism buds with kageyama

I kid thats probably a bad idea

Ushijima was also diagnosed with Type 1/High-Functioning Autism when he was 5

Unfortunately due to the stigma around Autism, his family (besides his father) were not very accepting of this and he was put into therapy at a young age

While this was actually helpful for him, his family insisted his therapies should ‘cure’ him and were dismissive of the many times a doctor told them that ASD is not a curable disorder

Outside of therapy he does not receive much support from his family, except his father who got him a pair of noise-cancelling headphones he used to wear until he 8 whenever they went out together - he was only allowed to wear them if it was just him and his father, the rest of his family thought it made it too obvious there was ‘something wrong with the child’

Extending on this, Ushijima was very sensitive to sensory input as a child, and while he still is, it has become easier to manager as he has gotten older

His ASD is most prevalent in his lack of understand ways of communication, such as sarcasm or jokes, and tends to take things very literally 

@simp4satori and I came to the conclusion that if you were to call him daddy during sex, or ask him to ‘punish you’ the poor boy would have NO CLUE - would probably call your dad and tell him you needed to speak to him, or say you can’t watch anime for a week lol 

He is extremely direct when he talks, to the point where it comes across rude or hurtful but he doesn’t realise this until someone mentions it

Tendou probably helps him rephrase things from time-to-time in order for him to get his point across

He gets very anxious when faced with things he doesn’t know about or understand (this is mentioned by Tendou in the manga), this can include people, going to new places or trying new foods

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Tendou - Depression and Anxiety (also a highly sensitive person - that’s not a mental health disorder or illness but it does affect him)

Tendou’s mental health suffered from a young age due to bullying in school

This caused a lot of low self-esteem and low mood, and he was later on diagnosed with depression and anxiety

Only his family, Ushijima and his coach know about this, and even then, only his family know any details

No one would really expect Tendou to deal with such mental health issues as he always keeps a bubbly, happy persona around others - he doesn’t want people to think he is weak or cowardly

It is also hard for others to see and he is someone with high-highs and low-lows, so when he is happy or excited his emotions are quite extreme

Tendou’s anxiety relates a lot to his image, mainly his appearance and the way he acts, but he is also a general over thinker

He doesn’t have panic attacks as often as Tsukishima does, however they do happen occasionally when things just get too much

He often thinks that people are staring at him, or talking about him whenever he goes out, and he tends to hid this by seeming overly cocky or sardonic

When his depression hits, he tends to just feel sad or hopeless instead of numb, which tends to trigger his anxiety too

Tendou used to self-harm often around his hips/thighs however he hasn’t done so since the end of his first year of high-school 

Probably makes a lot of dark ‘jokes’, especially around suicide and people semi are like ‘...dude...you ok?’ and he’s just like ‘hahaha yeah im fine what’

He doesn’t like alone time too much as he tends to get trapped in his own thoughts

As expected of the guess monster, he is extremely good at reading and understanding people, which is how he finds it easier to help and communicate with Ushijima

Bokuto - ADHD

A lot of people at Fukurodani think Bokuto is just stupid, however he actually has ADHD

He was diagnosed a lot later than the rest at 12 years old

Bokuto tends to struggle with his studies as his attention-span is very low and can get distracted easily - either by things in the classroom or his own thoughts

He’s very forgetful, often forgetting his lunch at home or forgetting to do/bring in his homework, and this goes into volleyball too where he forgets how to do certain moves

Taking exams are the worst for Bokuto, he hates having to be still and quiet for such a long time and is very sensitive to little sounds or movements that distract his attention - you’ll often find his bouncing his leg or fiddling with his pen

He tends to butt into conversations or interrupt people when they are talking, he just gets a bit too enthusiastic to share his thoughts

He has extreme mood-swings too which we see often in the anime, especially when he is stressed or someone mentions his behaviours

Is very reckless - Akaashi has probably had to stop him from leaning too far out the window and almost falling to look something

The whole Fukurodani volleyball team are aware of his ADHD and do their best to help him and make him feel comfortable or accepted

They are the only people allowed to call him stupid - they will fight anyone else

I think there are more characters with mental health illnesses or disorders, such and Yamaguchi, Yachi, Kenma and Asahi having anxiety so I might write more at some point!

[machikuragii]

Rank the Sohmas and explain your ranking?

Anon, this got really long, so I’ve put everything under the cut. Also I don’t have solid rankings beyond my top 2 so I went into ‘tiers’ that aren’t necessarily ordered by how much I like a character. TLDR; I love all the zodiacs for different reasons, see readmore for more in-depth thoughts.

1. Yuki Sohma

Yuki as a character is really, really important to me. I think about him so much, and how he goes from a neglected, unwanted child with no support network to a confident young adult who is so comfortable with himself and free to be happy and at ease and surrounded by those who love him. I think about how important it is that Takaya displays this journey as incremental, and not necessarily linear. I think about how Yuki’s strength comes not only from himself and his desire to improve step by step, but from the support he gradually starts to receive from the people around him. I think about just how important it is when Takaya says that it’s ok to be weak, to reach out for help, and that for some people, it is only when they DO receive the needed support from others that they are able to get better. I think about just how much it means for a boy with so little self-worth to gradually find himself in the company of people who enjoy his presence and like him for who he is, and I think about how he is able to reach out and help others after receiving the warm and foundation he himself needs, when he is emotionally ready. I think about then, how SIGNIFICANT it is to show a character who had absolutely NOTHING in his childhood go on to make sure that his own child has everything he longed for in a home in his childhood. 

There’s a little bit of Yuki in everyone. Every bit of his internal monologue hits like a truck for anyone who struggles with insecurity and low self-esteem, and his drive and aspiration to find his own purpose and happiness, can be a source of inspiration to so many. Yuki Sohma is one of the best, if not THE definitely best written Fruits Basket characters, and I really wish more people recognised this. As sensei once said herself, I know that Yuki will always have his fans, but I wished that more people realised and appreciated his importance in the story and carrying the themes of Fruits Basket.

2. Hatori Sohma

This is more a remnant of a past phase, but Hatori is here because he was my first anime crush ksksksasoksks . Jokes aside though, I love Hatori because of his kindness and selfless nature that is masked by a cold exterior. As an adult I realise that Hatori’s actions are not always perfect or enough, but I still really think that he is someone who truly cares. There are so many instances that improve his character in my eyes. Can you imagine going through what he goes through with Kana, and learning of her marriage, and not feeling bitterness, but relief that she is happy? And yet he values his own happiness so little that it really breaks my heart. Or the way that he doesn’t avoid Momiji after the ordeal with his mother, but checks up on him and in a way helps raise him? Dude is more of a father figure to Momiji than his own dad. Narratively, Hatori’s backstory is such an effective introduction to the darker, more mature themes of Fruits Basket, and yeah you can bet it worked on kid me. 

TIER: “These are great characters, I love their complexity but I’m also just fond of them as well” (no particular order)

Isuzu Sohma

Someone who definitely grew on me this time round. When I was a child I found it hard to understand what she was going through and didn’t really relate to her either. But oh my god, this girl goes through so much. She’s such a kindhearted character at heart, but struggles with connecting with others and receiving their kindness because of what she went through as a child. It’s so hard to watch her struggle, because we know she deserves the world. 

Akito Sohma

Controversial to say I love Akito just after I said I love Rin, lol. I’ve never had an overly negative impression of Akito throughout Fruits Basket (this is partially because my friends used to call me Akito when we were little.....because I was an Asian girl... and Akito is also an Asian girl????? idk now that I’m thinking back over it...gee thanks guys), so it was relatively easier for me to accept her redemption when it came. Akito’s actions are not defensible, but I find it much more interesting to explore where she is coming from, rather than just mindlessly spew hate and wish violent things for her like some people prefer to do. Akito’s character is a tragedy, and I feel like people are way less willing to emphasise when the victim is not “perfect”, per se. Akito went through the same “broken home” parental abuse that a lot of the characters in Fruits Basket went through, but somehow people are unwilling even to extend the tiniest amount of baseline empathy towards her just because he trauma manifested in a way that hurts others. Guys, she’s a tragic character!!! A tragic character isn’t always “a perfect person who has bad things happen to them”, it can also mean “a character who becomes antagonistic because of circumstances.” Her actions are inexcusable, but there is a lot to learn when we explore WHY she became this way.

Shigure Sohma

Gonna try make this short. Shigure is a controversial character but I like him because I like characters that demonstrate moral ambiguity. The point of Shigure is NOT to be a good person, and he doesn’t have to be one to justify liking him. Once again, you can like Shigure and still know that he’s a piece of shit. The whole idea of “he genuinely cares for Tohru but will hurt her if it means achieving his own goals” is a fascinating one to me, because it shows that the idea of “good people” and “bad people” is vast oversimplification of how actual people think and behave. Still though, I’m really not fond of how Akigure was executed in canon. I think the two could have potentially had a fascinating relationship but it ended up being more disturbing and swept under the rug&uncomfortable than interesting.

Momiji Sohma

On the opposite end of the spectrum we have Momiji who is just genuinely such a good person. I like the dichotomy between his outwardly ‘childish’ and ‘immature’ appearance and behaviors, versus what we gradually learn about him: that he has had to be mature and selfless at a very young age, and that he is also very emotionally intelligent and empathetic. Watching him gradually grow up before our eyes (we were ROBBED of it in the anime) but at the same time feeling more and more lost broke my freaking heart. When his curse breaks and he realises that even though he is now ‘free’, that nothing has changed and the damage was already done -  absolutely heartwrenching. He’s someone I would have loved explore more of what happened post-canon, because I just want good things for him and Momo, screw whatever the hell their asshole dad thinks. 

TIER: “I love these characters but don’t focus on them as much as I think the fandom does”

Kyo Sohma

I’m a self-professed “probably don’t think about Kyo that much” person haha. I know I know, sue me. I think its because out of the main 3, I love Yuki and Tohru so much that I don’t tend to focus on Kyo. I still like him a whole lot though!! I’m a big fan of the way he matures and changes throughout the series, and much like how Yuki does too, becomes a much happier person. When I compare early-series Kyo with later-series Kyo, one thing that always sticks out to me is how much more he smiles. The way he smiles at Tohru is so full of genuine warmth and happiness that it makes my heart melt, especially when I think about how this is a boy who has so much baggage, and has to gradually accept the fact that he deserves happiness before he allows himself finally to accept it. 

Hatsuharu Sohma

Most of my love for Haru comes from the relationship he has with Yuki. It takes so much maturity to accept that your prejudices may be unfair, and Haru did so at such a young age. Sometimes I just think about how much Haru did and continues to do for Yuki without the need for reciprocation or even recognition and it just hits me how much of a good person Haru is. He was Yuki’s ONLY friend at a time he had NO ONE, and is the reason Yuki was able to move out of the estate and become the person we know and love. Haha sorry for making this about Yuki again, but I think their relationship also says a lot about Haru as a person.

TIER: “I like Kureno and am tired of making a thousand disclaimers every time I want to say I like him, Takaya-sensei whyyyy”

Kureno Sohma

I really like Kureno. This is again pretty controversial, but let me try to explain. I like Kureno because he’s an example of someone who wants to do the right thing that causes the least amount of harm to everyone, but inevitably ends up making the decision that causes much more damage. It’s a classic “good intentions, bad outcome” scenario and I freaking love it. I love that it’s absolutely not what he wants, but Kureno ends up doing a lot of wrong things and destroying not only Akito, but also his own life in the process. I just find the idea of an adult of his age who is so isolated from all of society that even a shopping trip is something foreign and out-of-the-ordinary, really, really sad. 

On the romance side though,  I hate that Takaya-sensei decided that Arisa would be his romantic interest, but I do like the idea of romance being a part of his arc. (I actually think their interactions are somewhat cute but that the overarching age gap ruins everything - i keep thinking about if Arisa was older or Kureno was younger, but touching their ages at all would affect the plot so I would rather it wasn’t Arisa at all). Just the idea of Kureno by Akito’s side, playing the part of what he thinks is her “lover” (god sensei why are u liek dis), when he meets someone on one of his rare trips outside the Sohma estate that causes him to realise that what he and Akito have is not at all what a healthy relationship should feel like - and it causes him to reevaluate the harm he is doing to them both, and take steps to leave her. That is...not exactly what Sensei did, but I always remember how much I felt for Kureno when he said in the upcoming anime chapter how it was the first time he had felt like he loved someone out of his own choice...I just felt like that one “choice” could have lead him to the realisation that he can start to make more of his own, healthier choices in life. But yeah. Wish it wasn’t Arisa because it didn’t do anything good to her character arc, and it’s creepy. 

TIER: “I really like these characters but don’t go out of my way to think about them”

Kagura Sohma

Ok I lied, I do go out of my way to think about Kagura. I love her too, despite common opinion. I think her reflection of her relationship with Kyo was so wonderful. Her confession that she started to like him out of pity, but that over time they became genuine feelings. But that Kyo can’t reciprocate her feelings so she’s accepting of that, and thankful that he gave her time to express herself, although she will still go on loving Kyo. Kagura is one of those characters where Takaya-sensei once again demonstrates her ability to take a “trope” of a character and actually delve into their psyche and explains why they feel this way. 

Ayame Sohma

I love Ayame because he’s genuinely so much fun! I appreciate the arc of him rejecting Yuki, but how he is now reaching out to help him, and I feel like we don’t get a good insight into just how significant this rejection was until we see it from Yuki’s perspective. I also admire how he is able to recognise his own shortcomings, and respects Hatori because of his sensitivity to other people’s feelings. He’s a character who could definitely have been explored more if desired, but isn’t underexplored or incomplete as is.

Ritsu Sohma

My poor Ritsu. In contrast to Ayame, Ritsu was definitely underexplored. Such a great potential to explore confidence, identity, and assertiveness. Ritsu as it stands though, is largely a minor character who wasn’t given the time they needed to be fully fleshed out. I would have loved to see them gradually gain more confidence over the series!!

Kisa Sohma

Love love love Kisa, she’s such a cutie pie. But I feel like there wasn’t much more to say about her that wasn’t said in her arc. Kisa is more a character who is used to show the messed-up state of the Sohma house/Akito more than she herself is a complex character, I think. I love her arc and her parallels to Yuki though, it gave us such a great quote about needing to be loved by others before learning to love yourself. 

Hiro Sohma

Hiro is known to be an unlikeable brat but I love him as well!!! I think it’s really important to have characters who aren’t just lovely and receptive to Tohru’s kindness, and his character served to show an important flaw in Tohru’s character, and the way that her kindness could be taken advantage of. For Hiro himself though, I think his brattiness is alright because he’s very young, and I really appreciate his efforts to become a more mature person when he recognises his own flaws! 

[rirururu]

Why Zenitsu is my Favourite Character in Kimetsu no Yaiba

NO SPOILERS FOR THE MANGA

Yeah, it’s pretty cool that the guy can one-shot anything he sees. Let’s just get that out of the way. It’s hype. He’s like a Pikachu version of One Punch Man but with his personality in the supreme opposite end of the spectrum which consequently makes him just as funny and badass to watch. I think that’s initially what draws most people to his character on a surface level. Heck, that’s what made him so endearing when I was introduced to the series as well. But he’s evolved into so much more than that for me over time.

AKA. That in-depth analysis post that I make every year that is way too long because I want to talk about something so badly but no one else is doing it.

I remember catching up to the manga a few weeks ago and not being able to choose who my favourite character was. They’re just all so good. It was at some point that I realized while flipping the pages, to my (pun intended) shock, Zenitsu was and probably always has been the character I looked forward to seeing the most. It’s like he snuck up on me and was already clinging before I even noticed he was there. Sure the running gag where he fights while sleeping is amusing to watch. Sure the Thunder Breath is an amazing technique. He has a great design to back all of that up, not to mention that his backstory tugs at the heartstrings. But change a few words around and you could apply that reasoning to basically any character in the series.

There lies my dilemma where I couldn’t decide on a favourite of the cast. What stuck out to me and started setting Zenitsu apart from the rest was how he fought. Of course, this isn’t the only reason I like him so much. However, I feel that a lot of people misinterpret his fighting style so it seems best to use that as a starting point.

Sadly, the fact that he needs to be unconscious in order to battle and that his conscious personality is so abhorrently pathetic compared to his sleeping one isn’t new to anime and has been done countless times. Like many people, I expected the usual revelation of Zenitsu having a split personality or alter ego or “dark yandere side.” I’ve seen either it or some variation of it so many times in anime, manga, and video games. I mean, how else would anyone explain his ability to fight while sleeping? It’s the easiest way to have any of it make sense and is the route most stories like to go.

It very quickly seemed like the path his character was taking would be entertaining but ultimately not unique in any way. Seeing as most characters of his type rely on the gag / fighting style in order to remain zany and popular, he most likely wouldn’t develop much past it either. But as the series progressed and very early on (ie. where the anime is now), you come to realize that this simply isn’t the case.

To begin with, it’s apparent just by watching episode 17 that there is no crazy side of his mind at work here. When Zenitsu sleeps, he fights. When he fights, he's dreaming. He states here immediately after waking up that he had such a wonderful dream about being powerful like he’s always wanted. He had a dream where he was strong enough to defeat the demon and brave enough to make decisions. But evidently, that’s exactly what he was doing in reality. When he dreams, he’s the one controlling his own body in the outside world and making judgements on what to do in battle.

How does he do this without say, ramming into a tree about 5 seconds in? He reveals pretty early after his introduction that he’s always had amazing hearing. It was so advanced that it creeped others out and drove them away. One statement he makes in particular is that he can recognize entire conversations that are happening around him even as he’s sleeping. Now, that’s interesting. Why did the series bring that up if it wasn’t important? He can sense someone’s presence, emotions, and even intentions based on sound alone. It’s perfectly logical that, just like Tanjiro, he’s able to detect his surroundings except using his ears instead of his nose. He most likely goes one step further to project that into his dreams in order to fight without any eyesight.

In other words, there is no alter ego. It’s all him. Zenitsu’s just that good. When he sleeps, he’s culminating everything that he trained and all of his hopes and wishes towards becoming a better person who doesn’t run away into that one moment. When he sleeps, he rids himself of all of his fears and doubts so then his body can fight completely on instinct and clear-minded focus. He can do it. But his low self-esteem and fear of dying alone gets in the way. It’s only inevitable that it does. After all, he’s been told his entire life by everyone except one person about how useless he is until he actually believed it. He can’t even stomach accepting compliments on his strength.

That isn’t a normal reaction to being told that one is strong. That scene did a pretty good job of highlighting the contrast between how Zenitsu (very happily) embraces praise on being great versus how he completely rejects the idea of anyone thinking he isn’t a useless coward. It says a lot that his image of himself is so bad that his own body and mind developed this unique way of fighting and force him into losing consciousness as a defense mechanism whenever there’s a threat of death nearby.

Of course, the series makes it no secret that this “running gag” has taken a toll on Zenitsu’s mental health. He always awakens believing that everything he just did only happened in a dream, which explains why he clung to the idea of Shoichi being the powerful one so vehemently. He never gets the chance to confront his fears properly. Subsequently, his hate for his cowardly self grows even bigger each time it happens and so does his belief that he just can’t do it. And that’s what really gets to me. The sleep-fighting is not just a running gag. It’s a snowball effect. The series uses what seems like a gimmick that is so worn down in anime to the point of becoming a troupe and turns it into a young boy’s ongoing uphill battle against his own mind and hate for himself.

That’s why it’s so important that by the end of the series, Zenitsu learns how to fight without sleeping at all.

Yup, that’s right. His character seems to be heading the exact opposite direction of where I thought he’d go because of how counter-intuitive it is. For the sake of his own growth, he has to overcome and be rid of the zany gag that was what initially drew watchers to him in the first place. Eccentric traits such as this are usually a safety net for stories that aren’t confident enough in their plot or characters. It’s how authors get more sales. But Zenitsu isn’t written out to be a butt monkey badass for views. He’s written as a real person. He’s failed. He’s succeeded. Some people believe in him while most don’t, but what really matters is that he starts believing in himself.

Zenitsu as a character really speaks to me in that sense. He can only do one thing. After all these years of training, he can only perform one single attack. It’s discouraging to work so hard and only be able to achieve one goal while others can reach triple the amount with half the effort and time. It’s easy to start running away and thinking you can’t do anything right because of that.

Despite the poetry that shounen anime like to wax, that’s the reality for most of us when our lives are on the line. We complain and laugh about how annoying Zenitsu is when he imitates a whiny baby that screams in fear at everything, but the fact of the matter is that the way he acts is the most realistic given his upbringing of people looking down on him, his past filled with failures, and the effect that his continued sleep-fighting is having on his well-being. Why should he die in this war if it’s inevitable that he can’t win and there are other people much better for the job? It’s a chillingly accurate impact that living in a world where it’s so easy to die at the hands of a demon can have on someone.

However, because Zenitsu never gave up, he managed to hone that skill with the intent of at least becoming the best at that one thing. Thunder Breathing First Form is meant to be a straight one-strike attack. If driving school has taught me anything, it’s that the faster you’re going, the more the most minuscule of mistakes can spiral into gigantic deviations in movement. Yet he’s taught himself how to use Thunderclap and Flash six times in a row (hence six fold) and in six different directions / distance of his choosing in such quick succession that it looks like he's using it continuously. We even saw how his fifth step landed him perfectly on a thread so he could bounce off of it for the finishing blow.

Just imagine how much dedication and training it takes to have that kind of control. He grew up with nothing. He’s trained so hard just to be able to do one thing. Now he’s going to make his “dream” of being powerful enough to help people into a “reality” on only that and that alone. His eventual development away from relying on sleep-fighting is a representation of it. And that’s when he officially started ascending into becoming my favourite character.

[infpisme]

8 Problems Only INFPs Will Understand

There are certainly many great things about being INFP, one of the 16 Myers-Briggs personality types. We’re highly creative individuals who inspire others. We have a rich inner world that allows us to escape the dryness of a life filled with routine and structure.

We show an amazing amount of compassion for others, despite being so different from the rest of the population. We’re deeply sensitive and caring, and the best part is, we usually don’t expect anything from anyone in return.

Yet, I feel there are a few challenges to being an introverted-intuitive-feeling-perceiver. Here are eight problems INFPs will understand.

1. Never really being able to finish anything you start

We live in a world of endless possibilities, and we INFPs always want to explore something new. We’re often good at starting something, but we’re rarely able to finish as we expected — or worse, never at all.

If I were to write a list of things that I had started but left incomplete, I wonder if even that list would be completed. I have enrolled in tons of online courses over the years but I haven’t completed a single one. I barely finish any book I buy, and I don’t think I’ve ever watched a full season of any TV series.

I know our souls don’t know a thing about deadlines, but unfortunately, our bosses and professors do.

I’ll be completely honest. I was quite excited when I started writing this article, but now I feel really lucky to have actually finished it.

2. Not being assertive enough

When we’re alone, we often find ourselves mentally playing out a conversation with our best friend in our head. But, paradoxically, when he or she shows up, we go quiet.

We INFPs have a rich inner world where we often speculate about ideal possibilities. But sometimes it acts more like a cage and prevents the words within us from finding their way out.

At times, we’re guilty of not being assertive enough when it really matters — even if we were really excited and motivated going into the situation.

For example, I often have some problem on my mind that I want to talk about, but I don’t bring it up, because I don’t want to burden the other person. Other times, someone hurts my feelings, but I stay quiet, because I don’t want to damage the relationship.

3. Procrastination

Similar to #1, we INFPs tend to procrastinate to the very end.

For example, in college, I found it impossible to study the day before an exam, even when I hadn’t yet studied anything. Often, when I had a big project due, I didn’t start it until the day before the deadline. But even on that day, I barely did anything.

I wasn’t much different from my peers, except that they actually studied the day before the exam, and they usually completed projects before the deadline.

4. Over-planning or no planning at all

There are times when we INFPs check out every single book on a subject from the library, bookmark every single article available on the web, and watch every single video on YouTube. But we end up being confused and simply can’t figure out how to start planning our next travel adventure or writing our novel.

Then we may finally realize that all this over-research was simply a way of procrastinating.

And there are times when we simply go with our gut feeling, with little or no planning at all. We simply move forward without caring about the details (thanks to our intuitive focus on the big picture), only to realize that we should have done a bit of research beforehand.

I wish I could be in the middle of this spectrum, but unfortunately, I often end up being on either extreme.

5. Offering compassion to people who don’t care about you

I don’t understand why I worry about inconveniencing the store clerk when he simply walks by and pretends he didn’t hear me. I don’t understand why I felt sorry for the professor who was correcting my not-so-perfect assignment who never seemed to care about my education.

I never understand why I feel guilty when I do not buy something from a salesperson (just because he used a few cute words), even though I know that it’s his job, and he just cares about his own profit.

When you’re an INFP, you easily slip into other people’s shoes and see things from their perspective — and this naturally brings empathy. You end up sympathizing with people even when they don’t have your best interest in mind.

6. Spending your energy constantly validating yourself instead of focusing on your goals

I don’t know how many I times I just keep telling myself that what I’m doing is okay, and I should not bother if someone does not like my idea. We INFPs sometimes move through a cycle of self-doubt instead of working our way toward our goals.

For example, I want to start my own location-independent business. I know that in order to do that, I’ll need to do some research and develop some skills. I had this thought about four months ago, yet here we are — I still have not taken any steps to get started.

That’s because I’ve been spending most of my time reassuring myself that I’m on the right track, and I should just focus on the present. Today, I am exactly where I started. Had I focused on making progress when I first had the idea — instead of doubting myself — I’d already have something to show.

7. Worrying about helping others when the one who you should be helping is yourself

Even when we have no idea how we’ll pay our rent, we feel sorry for not giving money to a homeless person our own way home from being fired from our job.

As an INFP, I simply wish I could just let it go when I come across someone asking for help. But my highly sensitive soul simply doesn’t allow me to do so. So I end up helping them, even when it comes at a big cost to me.

8. Having high standards but a low self-esteem

We think that we should be a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, but we may not want to enroll in a writing course because we feel we do not deserve that sort of luxury.

We think we should be able to code the next Facebook, but we may be afraid of even trying to learn to code, because we feel we are not worth it.

We realize we need many things to achieve that “something,” but we may feel unworthy of anything.

And that’s the reason we may feel like we’ve never achieved anything of great importance. We’re perfectionists. Our high standards can backfire and lead us to take no action.

Despite all these problems, I love being an

INFP — I wouldn’t change it for the world. I just often find myself laughing at myself and wondering what on earth I am.

Source: Kumar Shashwat - IntrovertDear

[commaless-a]

*. meta - relationship with death

from my archmage’s bane meta:

then she fucking dies – and oh god, that’s a whole can of worms to unpack – she’s dead, when she revives she isn’t in her halfling body – and her relationship with death is VERY complicated: she thinks she’s expendable, especially because she’s in a body she HATES – she’ll fling herself in front of all of her friends, but at the same time she doesn’t WANT to die for the sake of her family – i wouldn’t be surprised if she’s desensitized to it, and that’d explain a lot about her taking the blow for jester, running on lava, and what she said before the dreadnought. “i’ve already died once – if i die again, at least it’d be with friends” – it’s a weird balance between “i’m invincible” and “i’m expendable”.

so, hey, it is i, your little goblin girl’s biggest fan - and i want to ramble about nott’s relationship with death for a hot second... so let’s get RIGHT into this!

tldr: why she doesn’t really care about dying: 1. nott has bad self-esteem and prioritizes her friends 2. she wants to be important to the nein  3. she feels her body is expendable 4. she feels invincible 5. she’s desensitized to the notion of dying.

what does she feel about death?: 1. initially, she’s ABSOLUTELY terrified. 2. eventually - she’s sort of... indifferent to it?

as we all know, nott suffers from an extremely low self-esteem - she doesn’t like herself, not in the slightest - though the reasons why have changed, over time. when it’s started: she’s hating herself for being a goblin, for having died in the first place, for not being pretty, or smart, or brave, or anything - just nott - someone who, in her eyes, is an untalented, waste of space who won’t amount to anything. and she takes this to an extreme level - she sacrifices herself for her friends no matter how badly she’s hurt or how bad the situation’s in, and it’s exacerbated with how often she’s called to check for traps and pick locks. even if she’s good at that - she’s terrified of the consequences that may happen when she fails - and as an alchemist, she’s used to thinking up terrible, worst-case scenarios. she throws herself in front of her friends and puts herself in stressful and deadly situations, all for them - because she believes she’s not worth much - that her friends are so much better than her - and she puts herself on the lowest rung of the hierachy. this ties into her passionate loyalty for her friends - she’ll stick up for them, defend them and be on their side, no matter what - but at the same time, she will fling herself into danger when they are in the way of actual physical harm - or will be in the way of.

now, she hates herself - not for being a goblin, though of course that’s still part of the reason why - but it’s now because of much more heavy reasons: for being selfish, being conflicted - and having been normal, before - she now knows very well she’s more than just nott - she’s brave and good with a bow and good at picking locks - but there’s a seed already planted in her head that she was once just veth - that once she was a normal, humdrum halfling in a family she loved and a culture she couldn’t get invested in - and it haunts her very much - that once this is over, once they defeat tharizdun and the chained oblivion and the bad people who hurt caleb and change herself back and fix everything - that she’ll be ‘just veth’ again, that she’ll be all alone again, with nothing she loves and nothing she cared about. she wants to be useful. she wants to be something special to the nein - wants to help her friends achieve their goals and accomplish whatever they want to do - and this definitely ties in a lot to her hierarchy way of thinking.

so, what have we learnt, with the relation of her self-esteem to death?

1. she doesn’t like herself; she believes her friends are more important than her, and acts accordingly 2. she wants to be special and important to the nein - and what better way than to do what she does best, putting herself into danger to protect them?

wait, though - there is so much more! like i said before - nott is in a goblin body - a race that she hates ( for a very good reason, of course ) - and i would be lying if i said that did not feed into her low self esteem. after all, this is coming from “they made me everything i thought i was - not pretty, not smart [...] just nott.” - and, again - with such hatred for her physical appearance, such hatred for her current identity - she believes that her feelings about getting into danger are perfectly justified: she’s not in the right body, so she doesn’t have to take care of it - she can do whatever she wants with it, her body’s expendable - and therefore it doesn’t matter what she does. this is a very unhealthy train of thought - this definitely lends into why she takes to drinking so easily as a coping mechanism - and that way of thinking definitely influences how daredevilish she is. it’s not a matter of being brave - sometimes, it’s just a matter of being reckless. of course, take note that i say her body - because she of course, doesn’t WANT to die - especially when in relation to her family, in the beginning.

with the matter of this current life being so much more exciting/dangerous that her odl life - she’s swinging into two extremes: fear and desensitization - of course, she’s fucking terrified - she’s the d&d equivalent of a rural village mother who’s been traumatized and tossed into a world where she suddenly finds herself with the need to fight to survive - but fear isn’t good - we know her relationship with fear: she doesn’t think it’s useful for her to do what she has to do with relation to her friends - that it stops her from doing things that need to be done: from fighting monsters, picking locks, checking for traps, infiltrating places they shouldn’t be in, etc, etc - so, instead, she swings onto the COMPLETE other side of that spectrum - she completely numbs herself to it. death scares her - adventuring scares her - but because of the, ironically, fear of fear, she pushes it down and makes herself numb to it - and coupled with her very, very normal morals - she often is up for violence - is vicious and ferocious and cruel when she fights. she’s hardly affected by other monsters dying - by humans dying - because they’re bad, and that’s just how adventuring is - sometimes you kill people that get in the way - and by extension, when it comes to her death - when it comes to others dying -

it’s upsetting to say that she’s grown numb to it, too - and it definitely doesn’t help, with the fact that the group has revivify and the very trivial way they treat death ( it’s okay, we’ll revive him later, it’s okay, i have a diamond ) - death feels impermanent to her. this can feed into the other reason - she feels invincible, and is very desensitized to death, at least, at current time. throughout the early parts of the campaign - nott is very quick to FREAK and run to stabilize/heal whoever who’s unconscious - and molly’s death carried such a heavy impact on her - but now, with the clerics having revivify, with the people being stronger - the only time she’s really freaked out is when caduceus dies - and the main reason for that was because she was the one who caused his death - not the monsters - but the fact that she had killed an ally - a friend.

and of course, she never gets to talk about that, because they sort of lost track of that - and so she buries all of that down and jokes about it - further solidifying that desensitized way of looking at death.

how does she feel about death, though?

death, to her - feels like everything and nothing at once. the impact of the hurt - the pain, the burning - it sends her into a flashback of the senses of her FIRST death of drowning ( which is of course the main reason why i’ve been comparing death to drowning a lot in a meta sense ) - but death is... nothing, like - literally nothing. no thought, no feeling - nothing.

and it’s weird.

of course, at first - she is absolutely fearful of death - which is fine, as she should - she’s a normal person who’s been tossed into the adventurer life. its terrifying - and how could it not? the sheer notion that something is so powerful that it can rip your life out from under you, that it could take away all of your life from you and throw it away, turn your life upside down - it’s happened once to her, and really, she doesn’t know what would happen if it happens again. downright fearful - especially with water: have you seen her scared of rain and water - when caleb goes into the bath and she’s so timid and sad when she says “i just got used to you and now you’re going to change, too”?  it hurts to die - and when the prospect of others dying - of her dying, is brought up, she is fucking TERRIFIED.

being terrified of change and desiring control over her life - over her own narrative - is very, very integral to her character. but what about now? with the experiences she has - with the things she’s seen... how is she with death, now? 

she’s gotten used to it - mainly because of how it’s treated around her - people revive dead people when they fall down - the sheer amount of times people have fallen but are perfectly fine in the end, she’s gotten used to it, unfortunately - with how often she’s encountered death in this career, compounded with the fact she’s died before - she’s beginning to think that death is... sort of - not a big deal, anymore.

death’s something tragically comfortable to her, now. at least death is constant - death doesn’t change, unlike how turbulent her life is. it’s uncomfortable, painful, stuffy, and she hates dying, still - but it’s in a weird way, dependable. she dies again - and though she dies in shock and in trepidation - she, eventually, embraces it - and it came to the point that she almost didn’t come back to life - that she was accepting it, that she refused to come back.

...but, of course - the two times she’s died, she was forcibly returned to life - which sort of just, adds a whole new layer onto ‘dependable’. how would she feel when she isn’t returned to life? probably panicked. i feel everything would come rushing back - like “oh. oh. i’m. i’m actually dead. oh no. oh no oh no oh no -”

so! there we have it!

[theiirstory]

M E G A H I for the alphabet but feel free 2 skip any

—- { This is the most beautiful way I could receive this meme. Skipping A and E since they were in the last answer! :O }

M   :   MOONLIGHT.   what is your muse’s ideal date? where / who with / etc?

—- { Literally just sitting on the couch and chatting. N isn’t exactly the type of person who obsesses over going out anywhere fancy, very much a stay at home gal. Probably with vidya games unless it would break the 4th wall. }

G   :   GIFT.   is your muse good at gift - giving or do they struggle to get it right?

—- { Oh she 100% struggles to get it right. She never really feels confident enough to pick out something people will love, so more often than not just ends up giving money instead if she has to give a gift. But occasionally she’ll get a random huge amount of certainty when giving gifts, which will only make her less confident if it backfires lol }

H   :   HEART.   is your muse quick or slow to give their heart away?

—- { On the quicker side of the spectrum. She’s pretty lonely and being validated feels nice. Simple answer! }

I    :   I LOVE YOU.   does your muse find ‘i love you’ easy or hard to say?

—- { Hard the first time. Extremely hard. She wouldn’t really want to be the first to say it since she has pretty low self-esteem and wouldn’t want to seem… pushy, especially since she doesn’t generally feel ‘cool enough’ for people. After that first hurdle though, it becomes a lot easier for her, since she would like letting someone that important to her know how much they mean to her. }

[conoscenze]

self-esteem // part one.

A complicated subject, a vast spectrum that can vary from person to person. Taking an excerpt from Wikipedia: “self-esteem reflects an individual's overall subjective emotional evaluation of their own worth. It is the decision made by an individual as an attitude towards the self”. That sounds simple, doesn’t it? Sometimes, however, things aren’t what they seem---that is certainly the case when it comes to some muses in particular, in regards to the characters I have here.

Following will be an assorted round of (hopefully) brief descriptions of what each muse thinks of themselves. Whether that is true to the facts or entirely boosted by their ego and delusions is obviously something we will discern from an out-of-character point of view. All the opinions and thoughts written here, however, will have a more in-character inclination, a first person sort of view of how things are. So it will be highly subjective.

Considering the impressive length the post has taken on whilst writing it, it’s going to be divided in two separate parts.

POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING FOR MENTIONS OF MENTAL ILLNESS, EMOTIONAL & MENTAL ABUSE, AND IN GENERAL COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF SELF-LOATHING. Nothing except the latter goes much in detail. Enjoy!

Salice can be easily described as a prideful person, and she does retain a rather high opinion of herself. She is what you would call the “confident, self-made businesswoman”---phlegmatic, blunt, straightforward, a bit too loose with her sharp tongue. Her attitude definitely reflects that she considers herself superior compared to some others; if she thinks of someone else as miserable, she won’t hesitate in making that clear, as she does relish in humiliating whom she considers “weaker” as well. The fact that her life is both stable and quite rich definitely feeds her ego. Despite this all, though, it’s difficult to affirm that she is completely confident in herself. Salice is aware that she can make mistakes, and that maintaining a perfect record is nothing short of impossible: nonetheless, whenever she messes up even in the littlest of ways, she tends to be extremely self-punitive. She doesn’t deliberately harm herself to expiate her faults, but rather becomes even more careless of her own well-being through sleep deprivation and overworking. I did once mention that she is very negligent when it comes to taking care of wounds and injuries, and the “self-punishing” part is where this comes in. In short, Salice has a very high ego, decently high esteem. But she has been brought up in a culture where not only do you have to be confident, you also have to be perfect. This means that any mistake made is unforgivable, and must be harshly punished as such. She quite literally doesn’t allow herself to make any errors, lest it taint the image she’s built.

Phoebe is similar to Salice, with a very drastic and essential difference: Phoebe is firmly convinced that she is never at fault, right off the bat. Whatever mistake she may make has not happened due to her own incompetence, but rather because of external factors that may have influenced that unfortunate mix of chances. Phoebe was raised by two completely average parents, and with modesty. She wasn’t excessively pampered: the thing was, however, that she never really was reprimanded when it came to scolding her about some error she had made. Rather, Phoebe was often lectured to “strive for the best”---the only way to make her understand that she shouldn’t do something again was to tell her that the next time, she would have to make things happen the right way, rather than change them altogether. Having a very morbid attachment to her grandmother (a paranoid and religious zealot) especially during childhood further fuelled this. Phoebe’s persecutory complex also ties into this topic, as she is, to put it plainly, the most prideful out of all the muses here. Phoebe does not care about others, she is inherently selfish: she thinks and does things for herself only. Trusting other people is too much of a risk, and as cautious as she is, she prefers closing herself off in her own world of constructed convictions---one in which she won’t be called a “liar” or will be contradicted for stating things the right way. Acknowledging her mistakes is painful, when it must happen, because she hates admitting to the fact that she is not perfect in every little thing. Phoebe is so incredibly engrossed in the fact that she is an “average woman” that she doesn’t want to realize she’s bound to step on the wrong stone once in a while. As such, if she does something erroneous, she usually attempts---and succeeds to pin the fault on someone else. Her rather assertive personality is difficult to contradict which is why it rarely happens for her to confront someone regarding this. Phoebe is extremely prideful, has a peaking self-esteem, and in no way is she self-conscious about anything. Everything she does is right, and it has a reason. Only proof can change her mind. She has never done anything wrong, because she is not a bad person. Good people don’t do horrible things. It’s her---against the world.

Karmina is interesting, because she as well has high esteem, and is rather prideful, but in a very “classic” way. Supernatural creatures tend to think of themselves as superior compared to humans because of their own attributes, which excel an average human’s on many points, and going down this line they usually belittle creatures which display average traits and skills. Karmina pertains to that logic, and it can be seen from how often she mocks and diminishes humans---however, her ego is not strictly aimed towards them. Any creature that doesn’t give off an extremely powerful presence right away is one she will freely prod at to her own liking. Karmina doesn’t fear anything, and if any limbs are to be lost the worst that can happen will be having to regenerate them. That said, Karmina hasn’t got a strict mentality. She doesn’t find it difficult to figure someone as an equal, or superior to her. She is very well-aware that she’s not an all-powerful being, and that her own species is not really that incredible compared to others: in this sense, she can be humble if she wants to be. Her curiosity is what pushes her to be less annoying than she would like to be sometimes, because she is conscientious enough to realize acting too redundant might cause obstacles to come up. Karmina thinks of herself as superior compared to humans, but doesn’t deny the existence of creatures that can be equals or superior to her. In both cases, anyways, she prefers not to come off as bothersome with her attitude, and attempts at courteous basic conversation by making use of her infinite curiosity. This doesn’t mean that she won’t sometimes sneak in some snark.

Kaede is a messy one. Not only does she have terrifyingly scarce self-esteem (to not say buried down below), but her depression and generally terrible past, as well as her memory conditions constantly weigh on it. Ever since she was young, Kaede was told that she was born to be dramatically unfortunate, that it was God’s will---and as such, it would never change for the better. “If it is written in the stars, to deserve so many terrible things... I must be a really bad person.” Kaede finds it really difficult to view herself as “good”, because the concept of goodness in itself is rather blurred and unclear. The environments she lived in till her late teen years were each one worse than the previous and the people she interacted with were not at all of help, as they either contributed to that wrongful mentality or ignored her situation altogether, acting indifferently and lacking of any particular regard. She is thoroughly convinced that she is a bad person despite there being only proof of the contrary. Kaede has always been victim of perpetrators that, in one way or another, constantly managed to shift the blame on her, in various ways and methods. Being a mentally weak individual, especially as a child she was easily convinced about her “fault”. Adding to this is the role her memory problems play: Kaede constantly feels guilty (and is extremely scared of) forgetting anything to do with people. Be it individuals themselves or meet-ups they had set for sometime in the future. Even though forgetting is something that she can’t control, due to her problem being purely physical, Kaede feels cruel whenever it hits her that it has happened again. Possessing a notebook in which she writes down everything she comes across has made this less of a worrying problem, in a way, but it obviously doesn’t stop the thing itself from happening. Nor does it lessen the guilt. In other words, Kaede has very low self-esteem for various reasons: her terrible and traumatic childhood; the unpleasant environments feeding into the abuse that often was brought upon her; and her own memory issues, which she loathes with every fibre of her being. There is also a good dose of irrational self-loathing which is obviously linked to all of these reasons, however it is irrational purely because she wasn’t, in any of these cases, the culprit. She was the victim. Years of victim-blaming did this. She is trying to slowly recover from this wretched and toxic mentality, but even with proper therapy it is going to take a very long time.

Adona is somewhat similar to Kaede, in the sense that she was unjustly mistreated for simply existing for a good period of time. This surely had an effect on her mind as a child, causing her to be very hesitant and doubtful of herself---however, it was during that particular incident that things really took a turn for the worse. It wasn’t on purpose, Adona is well conscious of it, but she still feels terribly guilty for having been as irresponsible as she has been, even against Eleonora’s stern warnings. The weight of disappointment has never left her since then. The difference between her and Kaede, though, is that Adona took her time to craft, from her traumas, a persona (an act of sorts, that is not however separated from her personality) on which she could be able to reflect her unhealthy coping methods without having people question them too much. Her humorous and sleazy poise is charming in itself, and very good at distracting others from what’s really going on inside---Adona has the attitude of an extremely confident young adult who knows how to make their way through the crowd. Her skills in entertaining others in multiple ways are something she is extremely proud of, and that is definitely no lie. As I mentioned earlier, it isn’t as if she’s another personality. Adona is Adona no matter what: with years, she has simply become good at hiding how much she actually hates herself, and how the drinking and the generally unhealthy lifestyle she lives are but other ways to hurt herself. Considering Adona’s situation and due to how drastic her depressive peaks can be, she should be getting more proper therapy---her excuse to justify not getting to it is that of being “constantly busy”. The truth is that she feels so hopeless about her situation that she thinks it’s useless to try and better it.

[kaizoku-musume]

See, that’s not the way I interpreted the Maria situation at all. It played out to me as Eliot realizing that Parker and Hardison had each other in a way that he didn’t (whether he’s right or wrong about that can be debated), and he believes he can’t intrude on their relationship so if he wants the same thing, he has to look for it elsewhere. The amount of fics I’ve read where Eliot doesn’t believe he can he has a place among them because they’re already a couple and there’s no room for a third can attest to that. I think it also perfectly plays into Eliot’s low self-esteem and his secret belief that he doesn’t deserve a lot of good things. Parker and Hardison are a good thing, and to him, it’s already a miracle that he gets to have them as friends and teammates. He couldn’t possibly expect anything more from them, that’d be asking for too much. If even his own Dad doesn’t want him, how could Hardison and Parker want him as a partner when they already have each other?

And let’s face it: for people not in the aro/ace spectrum, there’s a difference between having friends who see you for who you are and having a romantic partner see you for who you are. To me, Eliot does seem very sure in where he stands with Parker and Hardison; “til my dying day” has become something between the three of them, a promise that he’ll always be there for them and they’ll always be there for him. But when you have self doubt and a sudden crisis of identity or whatever Eliot’s going through, sometimes you do things in spite of the support you get from the people already around you. 

And to be honest, Eliot’s still holding things back from them, so that they can’t fully fulfill him in the ways he wants (which was another reason I think his relationship with Maria was doomed beyond them being on opposite sides of the law: he expects someone to fill this hole he feels inside him but that’ll never happen while he’s too scared to reveal what the hole is). Parker and Hardison kept encouraging him to be honest about who he was, and Eliot keeps going on about how he knows no one will accept him if they truly knew about the things he’s done, and I think that applies to Hardison and Parker as well. Unless it happened offscreen in those eight years, he also hasn’t told them about his deepest darkest secrets, particularly the things he did for Moreau. And I think that’s going to be the key to him coming to terms with himself and finding someone to fulfill this need he has: he has to trust the people closest to him with himself.

There’s also still plenty of room for Eliot to come to the realization that Parker and Hardison do fulfill him in the ways he’s currently looking for, and that he either doesn’t need a romantic relationship or can be in one with them. I get that the idea of him not realizing that Parker and Hardison are fulfilling enough for him or could be seems disconnected from the original series, but part of writing character arcs, especially internal ones, is having some sort of obstacle for them to overcome. Eliot struggling with the idea of redemption and obtaining what he feels like he deserves or wanting something he feels like will make him whole is a good idea, but one of the consequences of that is that he can become blind to the relationship he already has with Parker and Hardison. And that’s not bad writing, that’s just depicting how people can become so invested in their own inner turmoil that they don’t always have a clear picture of how the people surrounding them are there for them. 

So I'm pretty fucking furious about how our OT3 has landed. (It hasn't, which is why I'm furious). And fuck me, I guess, for trusting media to allow me a queer relationship beyond binary gay-or-lesbian, I guess, but fuck! I trusted John and Dean and that it's Leverage. It doesn't matter that Maria has walked away, because of how that relationship was set up and handled. How Eliot's isolation and desire was framed (also, side note, CKane is not romantic lead material. Yeah he's pretty or w/e but he looks so incredibly uncomfortable when it's supposed to be genuine). Maria symbolizes something that Eliot doesn't have, and it's not about sex or romance. That deeper connection, that "I See you". Eliot needs that, and Redemption is telling us that he doesn't get that from Parker and Hardison. That is what feels broken to me. That's what is telling me that the OT3 is a fucking joke now. That is what hurts. There are ways for Eliot to relate to Parker and Hardison that fulfill his emotional needs. If the relationship between the three of them were queer, he wouldn't feel like a third wheel. Instead, the moment the three of them have a second reunited and alone, they are discussing two very separate and heteronormative relationships. (Additional sidebar, Hardison and Parker do have an inherently queer relationship due to Parker's approach to intimacy that is further complicated by it being a mixed-race relationship, but for the purposes of their relating to Eliot, Redemption!Parker-and-Hardison function as a heterosexual couple). The reference to The Long Goodbye Job (til my dying day) feels like a fucking slap in the face. The three of them are less together than they were then. The emotional bridge is ground out. We can't chalk this up to Hardison being missing most of the season (though he is definitely the emotional anchor), because Parker and Eliot aren't the same with each other. They work in sync perfectly, but their interpersonal dynamic lacks the intensity of the original series. Eliot's burdens, which Parker used to pull out of him just aren't at her fingertips now. Obviously the explanation is not in-universe, it's a writers' room issue (and specifically, who is missing from it), but it makes it very hard to feel okay about canon. It sucks, and it's not what we were promised.

[deadlypressure]

Some Wardrobe Ramblings and Self Image Struggles

I hate tight clothing. I hate the way it makes me feel about my body, I hate how it impedes my motion, I hate that I can’t wear anything tight/restrictive across my hips without massive pain from the waist down after 5 hours.

I like long, full skirts, I like the way they flow and make me feel elegant.

I like heavy denim/leather jackets and thick soled shoes, I like that they make me feel strong. Heels do this too, with more elegance. I like how light and quiet my feet are in converse and vans, I like how convenient they are. Same for flipflops. I like how cute my sparkly converse are, I wear them with men’s jeans and giggle at how confused some hyper detail-oriented super-cis would get at the combination.

I don’t like that I don’t have the patience for makeup and hair styling, I hate that I don’t know how to deal with either one. It makes me feel immature and kinda like I fail as an “adult” woman

I like how comfortable my men’s carpenter jeans and t-shirts are, I even kinda like how they look. I don’t like how immature it looks, I feel like I look like a 13 year old boy. It’s really bad with any kind of graphic t-shirt.

I like to pair my carpenters with tight-ish tank tops, I used to wear men’s undershirt tank tops, they looked good once I stretched them out just right. They were form fitting without being skin-tight, had an alt/punk look with my jeans and work boots, and were easy maintenance too. But I didn’t like the cultural connotations of the wife beater shirt. I haven’t found a suitable replacement yet, women’s shirts seem to all be made of that soft knit that pills after just so many washes.

I like to wear long sleeve button downs, like flannels and twill work shirts, as jackets. I buy them from the men’s department, the women’s shirts are always too small through the shoulders and bind and pull funny. Oddly enough, a size small, slim fit men’s button down will be more flattering and fit around my chest and hips better than a women’s size medium or large. It makes me smile to think about that. Sometimes I buy them grossly oversized, just for the aesthetic, but I also buy them so they fit as intended.

When I want to both wear pants and feel semi-formal, like date night or job interview appropriate, I feel like I have to wear tight pants. This is literally the only reason I keep women’s jeans anymore. I feel like dress pants are too formal for interviews or dates anymore, unless it’s extra important somehow, but loose jeans are too casual and skirts aren’t generally suggested when walking into an interview for a job in a traditionally masculine field that typically involves some amount of grime and lifting. Irritating, but not the point. I feel like tight jeans are the only step between loose jeans and dress pants in terms of formality in pants, and I hate it. Again, if I try to wear a button down with my loose men’s jeans, I feel like a 13 year old boy.

I like loose sweaters, they feel comfy and cozy. I pair them with my button downs and feel classy.

I like necklaces, long and short chains. I like to layer them, just two at a time. I like rings, I think they make my hands look longer and more elegant. I’d wear earrings, but my ear piercings are weird and wearing any kind of earring for any length of time makes my earlobes itch. I feel no need to get a nose ring, the upkeep seems like too much for an aesthetic choice I’m not terribly fond of, but I like the idea of getting gauges in my ear lobes. I like the look of the 5mm, just big enough to get some cool tunnel designs, small enough to conform to conservative looks with the right plugs. Stone plugs are cool.

I wish my eye brows were longer and fuller, that my chin was sharper. I like my eyelashes, I wish my lower lip weren’t quite so wide, sometimes I wish my lips weren’t so full. Sometimes my head seems too big, sometimes it seems too small. My eyes sometimes seem too small. I’ve finally embraced my long legs and thick thighs, they’re not double c thick, but they are by no means small. I don’t mind my foot size, they’re just big enough that I can sometimes get adult men’s shoes and can still wear some kid’s shoes

I can’t seem to get comfortable with my chest, it’s not that showing cleavage makes me uncomfortable anymore, except when I bend over, just the feeling of them. Bras are uncomfortable, even when they fit, I hate the tightness over my chest and shoulders. I don’t like the feeling of my boobs moving, though, and I don’t like to feel  them resting against my chest wall. I don’t like the feeling of my stomach spilling over my waist band, I don’t like to see the double lump in the front of my shirt from it, and though in some lighting on some days it doesn’t bother me, I still hate to see it most days.

I used to get really uncomfortable and uneasy at the stares I got when I wore shorts or a lower cut top. There’s still some of that, but it’s pretty heavily diluted with irritation. If I’m wearing anything remotely empowering, odd, or alt, I might even feel slightly... Smug? I guess? Uhg, that sounds kinda gross in writing. Basically, it’s just me reveling in the attention I draw when I wear anything remotely odd or flattering, feeling powerful because I made a distinct impression on a stranger without hardly trying. It’s shallow and petty, but I can’t deny that I feel satisfaction in it.

I like to wear black, it makes me feel strong. I like to dress elegantly, and I wish I could do it more often, but it’s draining and feels like it takes so much effort just to wear the clothing, like it has to be for some specific reason or else it’s just not worth it. It’s kinda draining to wear virtually any feminine clothes anymore, even if it’s casual. I want to wear more green, I feel like wearing black too often makes me more irritable, like I need to wear more green, blue, or pink to take a break from the heightened aggressiveness that I get from wearing black. I like to wear green when I want to feel like a dryad. I wear pink because it’s a cute color that makes me happy and makes me feel cute. I wear blue when I’m not feeling hype enough for green or pink, and just want to be a mellow kind of positive. I have a lot of disparate styles of clothing and can’t commit to one specific aesthetic image. By far the most common, though, are a selection of aggressive, all black outfits of varying levels of formality with heavy alt influences, but are still largely purchased from mainstream providers. Uncommitted alt or noob alt, I guess you could call it.

I know that clothing has no gender. I know that wearing makeup or not, styling my hair or not, does not make me any more or less of an adult or a woman. I know that I shouldn’t care about other people’s opinions, that I shouldn’t live for them or dress for them or societal standards. That tight clothing means nothing. That clothing does not inform maturity, or make a personality. These are just weird, inescapable feelings I have towards myself, my body, and the clothing I put on it. Honestly, this is just me trying to sort out some of my gender issues and maybe force myself to take an honest look at my wardrobe choices. Verbalizing like this and shouting it out into cyber space helps in a way that talking it over with family or writing in journal just doesn’t seem to. It’s kinda all over the place and confusing, the language is kinda disjointed, but that’s just how disorganized my thoughts on all of this are. 

I know that labels aren’t necessary, and that you can just like something without going so far as to associate yourself with the community attached to it, and that gender is a spectrum and that you can just say you’re unspecified and leave it at that, but I have literally no firm associations for myself. I’m white. I like the weird bouncy music that pays attention to clever word play that good kids shows like to use. It’s part of why I like Steam Powered Giraffe and Aurelio Voltaire. I like music that features layered instrumentals and complex vocals, rather than focusing on electronic sounds and a simple single lead and back up vocals. I require daily dosage of music with a heavy bass sound and strong beat, I like the older Disturbed albums. Deep voices make the serotonin go brrrrr. I’m not Judeo-Christian, and that has been a consistent source of ostracization for me. I don’t do the social well. I’m paranoid and have troubles getting out of bed or otherwise finding the motivation to perform simple tasks to fill basic needs, I get fixated on unsolvable problems. I have a nasty gossip habit and an unhealthy reliance on my mother for social interaction and validation, which are definitely connected. I am touch starved, I have always had to ask for prolonged physical contact. I’m terrified of vulnerability, and it prevents me from taking the chance of rejection to make friends or explore my sexuality. I have low self-esteem and often find myself using stupid, arbitrary things to make myself feel superior or victimized. I tend to sound like a snob when discussing my tastes in music and humor or my relationship with religion.

All of this, I know for a fact about myself, but nothing to connect myself to a larger positive culture. No social community to offer new avenues of interaction, if I have to move to another state, there’s no place I can go to reliably meet someone with some kind of common ground or shared experience. The only source of social interaction I get is family and work. This ties back into my gender issues, am I only questioning my initial assumptions about my sexuality and gender because there’s this enormous community out there that I could be a part of without even knowing it? Could relative mental stability be one teet-yeet away? One magical answer to all of my unsolvable immaterial mental issues? Would it be such a consistent gnawing concern if I were the societal norm, or is it just my indisputable anxiety taking hold of an untrue thought and refusing to let go of it? Yeah, my brain is a mess, and I need a therapist to work through this with me, rather than just smearing my emotional waste all over the internet. At least the tag based system means no one will ever find this.

[infpisme]

7 Difficult Things About Being an INFP

There are certainly many great things about being an INFP personality type. We’re highly creative individuals who inspire others. We have a rich inner world that allows us to escape the dryness of a life filled with routine and structure.

We show an amazing amount of compassion for others, despite being so different from the rest of the population. We’re deeply sensitive and caring, and the best part is that we usually don’t expect anything from anyone in return.

Yet, I feel there are a few challenges to being an INFP. Here are seven of them. INFPs, can you relate?

1. Never really being able to finish anything you start

We live in a world of endless possibilities, and we INFPs always want to explore something new. We are often good at starting something, but we are rarely able to finish as we expected — or worse, never at all.

If I were to write a list of things that I had started but left incomplete, I wonder if even that list would be completed. I have enrolled in tons of online courses over the years but I haven’t completed a single one. I barely finish any book I buy, and I don’t think I’ve ever watched a full season of any TV series.

I know our souls don’t know a thing about deadlines, but unfortunately, our bosses and professors do.

I was quite excited when I started out writing this article, but I feel really lucky to have completed it.

2. Not being assertive enough

When we’re alone, we often find ourselves playing a conversation with our best friend in our head, but when he or she shows up, we go quiet.

We have a rich inner world where we often speculate about ideal possibilities. But sometimes it acts more like a cage and prevents the words within us from finding their way out.

We are not assertive enough when it really matters, even if we were really excited and motivated going into the situation.

For example, I find it impossible to study the day before an exam even when I have not yet studied anything. I had not even started my physics project till the day before the submission deadline, but even on that day, I barely did anything. I am not much different from my peers, except that they do study the day before the exam, and they do complete the project before the deadline.

We usually procrastinate till the end, but even at the final moment, we make most of our decisions by either thinking, “Just let it go” or “Let’s see what happens.”

3. Over-planning or no planning at all

There are times when we check out every single book on a subject from the library, bookmark every single article available on the web, and watch every single video on YouTube. But we end up being confused and simply can’t figure out how to start planning our next travel adventure or writing our novel. Then we finally realize that this over-research was simply a way of procrastinating.

And there are times when we simply go with our gut feeling, with little or no planning at all. We simply move forward without caring about the details (thanks to our focus on the big picture), only to realize that we should have done a bit of research beforehand.

I wish I could be in the middle of this spectrum, but unfortunately, I often end up being on either extreme.

4. Offering compassion to people who don’t care about you

I don’t understand why I worry about inconveniencing the store clerk when he simply refuses to hear me. I don’t understand why I feel sorry for the professor who is correcting my not-so-perfect assignment who never seemed to care about my education.

I never understand why I feel guilty when I do not buy something from a salesperson (just because he used a few cute words), even though I know that it’s his job, and he just cares about his own profit.

5. Spending your energy constantly validating yourself instead of focusing on your goals

I don’t know how many I times I just keep telling myself that what I’m doing is okay, and I should not bother if someone does not like my idea. We INFPs sometimes move through a cycle of constant self-approval instead of working our way toward our goals.

For example, I want to start my own location-independent business rather than go to college. I know that in order to do that, I’ll need to develop some skills. I had this thought about four months ago, and a month later, I enrolled in college.

I have not taken any steps to start my business because I spend my time reassuring myself that I’m on the right track and I should just focus on the present. Today, I am exactly where I started. Had I focused on developing the relevant skills, I wouldn’t be enrolling for the next semester.

6. Worrying about helping others when the one who you should be helping is yourself

Even when we have no idea how we’ll pay our rent, we feel sorry for not giving money to a homeless person our own way home from being fired from our job.

I simply wish I could just let go when I come across moments when I find someone asking for help. But my highly sensitive soul simply doesn’t allow me to do so.

7. Having high standards but a low self-esteem

We think that we should be a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, but we do not want to enroll in a writing course because we feel we do not deserve that sort of luxury.

We think we should be able to code the next Facebook, but we are afraid of even trying to learn to code, because we feel we are not worth it.

We realize we need many things to achieve that “something,” but we feel unworthy of anything.

And that’s the only reason we feel like we’ve never achieved anything. Our high standards often backfire and lead us nowhere.

Despite all of theses problems, I love being an INFP. I just often find myself laughing at myself and wondering what on earth I am.

Source - Kumar Shashwat, IntrovertDear.com

[fangirlfitness]

o(^_-)O Thanks! Also do you have any tips on how to get over or at least minimise low body self esteem? I think you talked a bit about this in an earlier ask of mine but I still often feel bad about my body, when I eat things like doughnuts, like my workout is not effective etc

Yes! Buckle up my friend because I have a lot to say on this topic…

Body love is a journey, so keep in mind that it’s something you’ll continue working on for most of your life. And 99.9% of the media out there (ads, movies, tv shows, etc) is designed to make you feel insecure, because insecure people spend more money than confident people. So loving your body means constantly fighting against the barrage of messages we get every day telling us to feel ashamed of our bodies. Old racist misogynist billionaire business owners are making money off of your insecurities. All the bullshit ads selling weight loss shit are designed in boardrooms full of greedy men in suits so that they, and the greedy men who pay their salaries, can take more money from women. So if you’re an aggressively political feminist like me, remember that every time you think a negative thought about your body the Tr*mps of the world are winning.

Also, I love the above gif for a billionty reasons - remember when you were a little girl playing dress-up and you just knew you looked amazing? You didn’t have time to hate your reflection, you had a kingdom to rule and sandcastles to build and dragons to befriend? Imagine what we could accomplish as adults if we all felt that way now…

Also, it’s no secret that insecurities drive people to compare themselves against other people instead of connecting. So hating your body is leading you to subconsciously view other women as rivals. As if you’re competing against them for male attention.

So yeah, there’s a ton of bullshit to unlearn on the journey to self-love. But first of all, remember that there was a time you loved your body. You knew you were made of magic. And that part of you hasn’t gone away, it just got buried under piles of sexist messaging that you believed because everyone else believed it too. But you can choose to reject it. You can choose to unlearn all that shit and reconnect with the part of you that loves who you are and what you look like. And I’ve found the best way to do that is to barrage yourself with images of your own choosing (and coincidentally this involves connecting with and supporting other women…) The aforementioned evil businessmen of the world know that repeated messaging deeply affects people’s perceptions, so use those methods to your own advantage. Don’t buy photoshopped body-shaming magazines. Follow body-positive fashion blogs instead. Avoid tv shows that pit women against each other (the bachelor, america’s next top model, etc) and watch shows that have racially and physically diverse casts (Claws is my top favorite right now, which is also where I got the above Niecy Nash gifs from, just sayin…). Follow plus-size models and body-positive advocates on social media. Actively reject messages from bigoted sexist white men and instead give your money, time, and attention to body-positive female creators.

Now on to the second part of your question, regarding doughnuts negating your work in the gym. Working out benefits your body and brain in ways that cannot be negated by a simple pastry. I’m going to encourage you to appreciate food for how it makes you feel instead of where it ranks on society’s “good/bad” food spectrum… Try to tune into your body after you eat different foods. Don’t judge the food, just feel what your body feels like after you eat it. Do a little body scan, checking in with each part of your body from your head to your toes… And then eat more of the foods that make you feel energized and happy and less of the foods that make you feel tired or stomachache-y. As someone who struggled with eating disorders for years, this approach has been invaluable to me. Sure at first I ate pretty much exclusively grilled cheese sandwiches but after about a week my body started craving vegetables. Salads gave me energy. So did nachos. And parfaits. And veggie stews. Foods that are pretty processed make me feel tired so I don’t feel like them that often. But when I do want them, I have them and enjoy them. They’re not “off-limits”. Nothing is forbidden. Vibrantly colorful nutritious foods make me feel good, so I eat them a lot. I also treat myself with foods that feel like treats to my body, instead of randomly obsessing over and craving a multitude of “forbidden” foods just because they’re labeled “forbidden”. I eat as much as my body wants, which ends up being a pretty balanced amount of everything because without the anxiety of “should”s and “shouldn’t”s the body is really smart at figuring out how much of which foods it needs. I don’t count anything. I don’t shame myself for eating anything, and I don’t follow any diet. I just follow my body’s instincts. And it feels amazing to eat without shame.

I hope all of this helps answer your question!!

Remember that you’re a gorgeous incredible lovely magical person capable of so much amazing stuff and you and your body deserve all the love in the world.

[anna-2807]

“Narcissist” is a big buzz word right now not only in the field of psychology, but across our entire culture.  When you think of the word, I bet you immediately get a mental image of someone. It might be a politician, or a celebrity, or a professional athlete or coach. I find most of us have a very specific, very narrow, idea of what narcissism is and looks like – almost a caricature of it.  Narcissism encompasses much more than just the overt, raging, grandiose, “I’m so wonderful” bully we may first imagine.

Narcissism is on a scale

The trait of narcissism falls across a spectrum. Imagine a scale of 0-10. Right in the middle of the scale, between 4-6, is where you’d find a healthy level of narcissism. Yes, there is a healthy level – someone who is equally aware of self and others.  

The two ends of the spectrum are anything but healthy. At one end you have the 0’s and 1’s, those with no traits of narcissism, who have very low self-esteem, and no voice to speak up for themselves.  Have you read The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein? The tree is a great example of a 0. To give and give to your own detriment is a toxic, unhealthy way to live. If the tree really loved the boy, he would have given him a few apples and then told him to plant the seeds and grow his own apples. Instead the tree created the perfect climate to breed a narcissist!

On the opposite end of the spectrum, you find the toxic, malignant personalities with oversized egos and a complete disregard for others’ feelings. Many would put a Donald Trump or Steve Jobs on this extreme end of the narcissism scale. And while that may be true, they certainly aren’t the only ones. Chances are each of us loves someone – either a spouse, parent, sibling or child – who falls beyond a healthy level of narcissism and is a “narcissist”. Here’s what to look for:

Characteristics of a Narcissist

Their generosity is conditional. Some say narcissists are selfish or stingy but that’s not always true.  They can also be extremely generous with their time and money… when it’s convenient or makes them feel good. There is an underlying “WIIFM” (‘What’s in it for me?’) factor. Without the WIIFM, they have little or no interest. For example, consider the dad who makes a big production of taking his son to a football game, but will turn down the same son 99 out of 100 times when he asks to throw the football in the backyard because he can’t be bothered or isn’t interested.

They have an excessive need of admiration but are slow to hand out compliments. They want to be recognized and stroked whenever they do good but overlook, discount, or criticize the efforts of others – unless by noticing they will receive more admiration.

Their ‘Give vs Get’ is out of balance. They do not mind asking for favors, but they don’t grant them often. Or, if they do it’s done with complaining. I tell clients a narcissist won’t mind asking you for a kidney, but they’ll be put out if you interrupt their tv time to ask them to run to the grocery store.  

When they tell stories, they’re always the hero or the victim, never the offender. They were always better than everyone else at X, worked harder than everyone at Y, or were taken advantage of by Z. They had to earn everything they’ve received in life while others had an easier road. Narcissists can be history revisionists. They have very selective memory and may say or do something outrageous and then not remember it or deny it.

They are easily angered and defensive. When you give them feedback, even if you do it well, the narcissist will respond as if attacked. And then they will attack back. As a result, they can end up isolated and their relationships starved for intimacy as loved ones may withdraw and stuff emotions to avoid potential conflict. Many narcissists rage, but not always.

They lack empathy, especially for those they love. You make them look good if you look good. If you are struggling with achievement of any kind, you make them look bad. I see this most often with narcissistic parents. Mothers who don’t like their daughters to leave the house unless they are perfectly dressed. They also don’t like their kids to be overweight or under-function in school. For dads, I see it with sports or other perceived masculine endeavors.  A narcissistic parent gets angry or critical (“You are never going to amount to anything if…”) or contemptuous (“That’s exactly what I would expect of you.”) and provides little emotional comfort or support.

They are controlling. Narcissists have very specific ideas about exactly how and why things should be done and are upset when they aren’t. Sometimes it’s about the smallest of things – like how clothes should be folded – but they will feel justified in their opinion and even angry if you don’t comply.

They are often emotionally turbulent. They have big ups and downs. They do not easily self-soothe or regulate and want you to help them, often attacking you to feel better about themselves.

They have a time urgency issue. They do not like to run late, and they can’t stand to be made to wait.  They can have an “I’m going to teach them a lesson” attitude. If the narcissist is the one running late, the same rules do not apply.  

They can be physically abusive.  It’s also important to remember emotional abuse often eventually translates to physical abuse if it goes unchecked.

They play by different rules. It’s okay if they misplace keys or leave their wallet in the car but they will label you as being as irresponsible for the same. They’ll make big decisions like quitting a job or buying a car and announce it after the fact but would be offended if you did the same.

They have false empathy. They can display what looks like empathy for a little while, especially if it makes them look good.  But it usually doesn’t last long, especially once it interferes with what they want or need.

They cannot connect emotionally. But they think they do. They are often surprised to learn you are unhappy or feel disconnected from them. To them, connection looks like compliance and agreement.

They will look at this list and not see themselves. Don’t expect your loved one to read this list and feel convicted of their narcissistic ways.  A narcissist has a distorted sense of self and will see others on this list, but not themselves.

If you’ve read through this list and recognize many of these traits in your loved one, chances are they are higher on the narcissism scale.  While a narcissist can be very attractive and charming, being in relationship with one can bring many challenges. If you are in a relationship with one, you may have lots of questions like “Can a narcissist change?” or “How do I get along with a narcissist?” or “When is it time to leave?”.  In the coming weeks I’m going to answer those questions and show you how not only to survive, but to thrive when dealing with a narcissist. If you are currently dealing with this situation in your life and would like customized support, please call us.