#she definitely was considering stuff and things

[damn-stark]

Chapter 13 I hope you’re happy

Chapter 13 of Tragedy at the Miller’s

A/N- surprise at the end ;)

Warning- fluff, ANGST, violence and death, swearing, spoilers for season 2, Remember this is a rewrite not an AU, so the major stuff that happens in the show will happen here :)

Pairing- Joel Miller x daughter!reader (platonic of course :), OC x Fem!reader

Episode- 2x05

(If you want to be tagged let me know!)

————

Like waking up from a nightmare, your eyes fly open and immediately your heartbeat begins to drum so hard that you feel sharp pains in your ribs whilst you start to heave as fear is installed in you after a clammy hand hits you across your face.

“I used to be a Firefly,” a stranger's voice suddenly greets you clearly and not muffled like the way it sounds in a dream.

“Now, considering the pendant says Apollo, I’m gonna assume you weren’t.”

This isn’t a dream and now that you can gather your thoughts, you remember being attacked in the middle of the street by a man in a mask. Is this him?

“Boston,” you deadpan hoarsely and slowly lift your head and trail your eyes up, seeing a twitchy, skinny man sitting across from you to the point your knees touch.

“I was a part of the Boston crew under Marlene,” you share in hopes that would spare your life or at least give Jesse time to find you because from the little you’ve seen, Jesse isn’t in the same room, and from what you can gather, you’re in an abandoned classroom lit by the cool natural light coming through the skylight in the ceiling. And since you’re at the end of the room, you can see quite a lot, but there’s not much to see besides a large curved desk and the stranger.

Outside the classroom, you see a hall and another class in the distance, but you don’t hear additional voices. However, you don’t doubt it’s just you and this stranger. You can’t be that delusional and they wouldn’t be so stupid. Would they?

“Marlene?” The man repeats with surprise and sits back. “There’s always a bigger fish, but she…she was pretty important.”

You bat your lashes and squint your eyes to probe. “You? Where were you stationed?”

The stranger slowly tilts his head and narrows his gaze, so you quickly correct yourself and lean more towards your fear. “It’s just been a long time since I came across another Firefly, and I can’t help but get…excited when I do,” you say and flash him a hopeful, innocent wide-eyed look that makes him narrow his gaze further before he answers dismissively.

“Salt Lake City.”

You blink in surprise but try not to let that feeling show on your face to avoid suspicion. Instead, you nod slowly and finally sit back, feeling the scratchy rope around your wrists press against your flesh, and feeling your mind race.

You don’t remember seeing this guy with Abby and her friends. He definitely would’ve appeared in the lodge house if he were there, but you don’t remember seeing him, and you can recall that day as if it happened yesterday so it’s not like you forgot him.

Maybe he’s not friends with Abby, but he most likely still knows her and if he knows where she is you’ll find Ellie.

How do you get that information out of him though?

No, how do you get out of your restraints to get that information?

You’ll need to get your hands dirty…

You don’t want to. It’s the last thing you want to do, and you know coming this far meant you’d have to get your hands dirty, but if you could avoid it, you would. Albeit now…there’s no other choice.

“You haven’t…hm,” you pause and drop your gaze to avoid looking at him as you know what you need to do. “You haven’t asked where I’m coming from.”

The stranger scoffs. “I don’t care. I’m only keeping you alive because I’m luring your friend here to kill him next to you.”

And just like that, you stop feeling guilty for what you have to do and slowly grow cold.

“Wyoming,” you deadpan and slowly drag your glare up. “I came from Wyoming.”

The stranger's narrowed gaze twitches at the mention as if you made him recall a memory.

“Manny. Owen. Nora. Mel. Abby,” you list their names quietly yet your voice still sounds completely threatening.

“You,” the stranger points his finger at you as his eyes go wide. “How,” he growls and leans close to grab your chin. “How did you find us?”

You scoff and smirk faintly. “Your friends are pretty stupid.”

The stranger tightens his hold around your chin, but you don’t falter, you challenge his gaze without blinking, settling an uneasiness within him that makes him break first and choose to stab a dagger on your chair's armrest to try and intimidate you. Albeit you don’t flinch, you know better. You’ve been taught better. And that seems to annoy him so he grabs his dagger again and points it at your throat.

However, before he can hurt you, someone interjects from outside the classroom. “Hey! You’re supposed to keep her alive!” They exclaim, making you drift your eyes over the stranger's shoulders and catch another man with a bulletproof vest walking in.

Even so, the stranger doesn’t let go. He keeps glaring at you with his dagger pointed at your throat.

“Alive or dead, it doesn’t matter. If her friend cares they’ll still come.”

The guy scoffs. “Well, then do what the hell you want, just don’t keep her alive. Isaac wants all trespassers dead.”

The stranger shakes his head and stabs his dagger in your chair's armrest again before he gets up to approach the other guy. “No. I need to take her to Isaac.” he points at you again with his dirty fucking finger. “Do you remember that smuggler Abby and the rest of my friends went to go kill?”

The guy nods. “Yeah,” he says with confusion.

“Well, she was there,” the stranger shares. “Now she found them. This could be an ambush. I need to take her to Isaac to tell him exactly what’s going on.”

“No,” the other guy argues. “It doesn’t matter. We’ll kill them anyway. Just kill her and get it over with.”

The stranger ignores his friend and turns swiftly to stride towards you again. “You,” he spits, making you tilt your head away. “How many came with you?” He asks, but you don’t say anything.

“Oh,” he scoffs. “Now you’re fucking quiet. I said how many? Or is it just the two of you?”

You keep quiet again which only irritates him more, so he leans his face closer to the point his breath unfurls over your nose. “You,” he points at you, but he doesn’t get to finish because from one moment to another the sound of a gunshot echoes seconds before the glass breaks.

The stranger gets startled along with you, but just as he turns to watch the other guy drop dead on the floor, you lunge forward with your mouth open and bite down hard on the stranger's finger.

He yells out and tries to reach for his dagger, but you bite harder, paralyzing him where he is, and then with unimaginable strength, you pull back, ripping off his finger with your teeth, and ultimately causing him to fall back screaming.

“You crazy bitch!” He bellows, but you ignore him and spit his finger out of your mouth, catching Jesse looking at you slightly bewildered since he has not seen this side of you.

“Untie me before more people come,” you snap Jesse out of his surprise, causing him to quickly walk around you to cut off the rope.

Once you’re free you quickly push yourself from your seat and snatch the dagger off the chair before you storm toward the stranger.

“You can make this quick,” you sneer and slowly bring your foot down on his chest before you bend down toward him. “Or I can make this painfully slow. Where is Abby?” You probe with a growl in your question.

The stranger pants and presses his lips together so you bring the point of his dagger down to press the tip in a nerve that makes him start to squirm with pain.

“Tell me,” you press and pinch his nerve harder, causing him to shake his head.

“I don’t…I don’t know! I really don’t know!”

You sigh and pull the dagger away to think for a moment before you come back again with a different question. “Tell me you’ve heard about two female trespassers. Where are they?”

The stranger nods frantically and stammers. “Last I heard they were in the transit tunnels leaving the Channel 13 news TV station.”

You hum and press harder on his chest before you bring the dagger up and then stab it through his throat to make him bleed out.

“Let’s go. There’ll be more on their way,” you direct at Jesse as you step away from the stranger and wipe your mouth as you approach the desk with the assumption that your stuff is behind it, and thankfully, it is, so you take your backpack and your rifle without looking back at Jesse as you feel shame riddle you now.

“I know a way out,” Jesse interjects as he starts dragging something heavy.

“If you want to live as long as me you have to learn how to get your hands dirty,” you blurt as if he’s shaming you or silently doing so. He’s not, but you still say it out of guilt and shame.

“I know,” Jesse says without judgment clinging in his voice or expressed in his eyes.

You finish hanging your stuff over your shoulder and still don’t look at Jesse, instead, you search the desk for anything useful and find a half-empty bottle of some sort of yellow liquid in one of the drawers, so you snatch it out of the desk.

Once you hesitantly get the cap off, you force yourself to bring it to your nose.

“Oh, what the hell are you doing?” Jesse remarks.

You take a sniff from the bottle and thank the fucking stars it’s alcohol.

“Alcohol,” you show off to Jesse before you slide one backpack strap off your shoulder and shove the bottle in an empty drink holder on the side. You then finally look over at him and see that he put a box under the skylight.

“I’ll go up first and pull you up. If we try to find any other way out, we’ll most likely be surrounded so we’ll leave the same way I came,” Jesse explains, and honestly yes, it’s a smart plan because he’s right.

“Alright,” you agree without argument, so while he tries to get up, you pull the map out to look for the transit tunnel.

“Assuming that they’re out of the tunnel,” you say loudly so he can hear over his efforts. “The girls should have made it to the other side, so let’s avoid going in and just head directly to the other side,” you share as you walk over to the chair. “We should end up across…Pinnacle theater. We can search the areas around there, and if we don’t find them, well then we’ll go under.”

“Alright. How far is that?” He asks once he’s made it on top.

“Just a few miles away,” you let him know as you fold the map to put it away. “But we can make it. It isn’t hard,” you assure him and climb on the chair before you draw out a deep breath to try and let go of your shame before you look up and finally meet his gaze.

“Maybe we’ll find some bicycles to use,” he mutters as he lays on his stomach and then offers you his hand.

“Ha,” you snort. “Wouldn’t that be cool? Just a couple of tourists trying to take in the sights.”

He scoffs. “And trying not to get killed.”

You giggle and hop to get a hold of his hand and let him help you up.

Nevertheless, whilst he’s helping you to the top, suddenly the doors in the hall get thrown open and more Wolves come running in.

“They’re escaping! And they killed Mike and Jordan! Shoot!”

Without a second to waste, they all shoot, breaking all the windows in the room.

“Fuck, fuck,” Jesse pants.

Bullets whiz past you, so you try your best to move your legs to not get shot, but in doing so, you make it hard for Jesse to help you.

“Stop moving. Stop!”

“I’m sorry! I’m trying not to get shot!”

Finally, with a firm hold, Jesse manages to pull you onto the sky roof, so you quickly shove yourself up and then grab Jesse’s arm to help him and then pull him with you as you run across the sky roof.

The Wolves find their way into the classroom and start shooting at the sky roof, shattering the glass and making you hop over to Jesse's side to avoid falling in. Albeit you then proceed to crack the window under you, so Jesse grabs your arm and hurls you forward to get off the glass first before he joins you on the firm roof.

“The fire escape is over there!” Jesse points out to some faded red ladders on the side of the building directly across from where you are.

There’s no way for the Wolves to shoot through the roof now, but you don’t slow down. You keep running in a sprint to reach the fire escape faster. When you’re on it you step down a few stairs before you choose to slide down to land faster on the ground.

Wolves don’t come and corner you in the alleyway, but you don’t wait for something to happen. Once Jesse hits the ground, he leads you to the gap on the fence where he came through and you still don’t run into any trouble, which you’re starting to find suspicious, but what can you do but keep running? So you do, you take the lead around the school.

Once you're on the street that will lead you to your destination, just before you can put any distance between you and the school, a gun truck rolls around the corner full of the Wolves that were just shooting at you inside.

“Run and don’t look back!” You warn Jesse and even if he knew the protocol it’s still instinct to try and help by shouting orders.

When the Wolves ultimately start shooting, you proceed to grab Jesse and lead him to the sidewalk to try and use the abandoned cars as a shield.

The bullets come close to puncturing through the metal, but you manage to avoid getting scraped or shot. Albeit there’s not enough cars on the street for you to use so Jesse pulls you back just before you can risk yourself by making a run for it, and you wait.

The wolves inside the truck don’t risk their lives by getting out of the car. They have you cornered, but they don’t take the chance. Instead, they use the gun on the truck to try and shoot through the old car, but just as the first bullet burns a hole through the old metal, they stop to possibly reload.

“Go. Go!” Jesse takes the lead this time and grabs your hand to pull you with him to the other car to use it as cover. Moreover, just when you reach it, you see that the street around the corner is downhill, so you point it out.

“Let’s go down there and follow my lead!” You shout as you shift your backpack around to have it hanging over your torso. After that, you don’t grab Jesse, but he does as you said; he follows your lead around the corner and into the middle of the street.

The moment the wolves see you they proceed to follow you around the corner and actually manage to finish reloading their gun, so they begin to shoot at you but don’t manage to hit either of you.

Even so, you fall down as if they did.

Jesse is confused by your untold plan, but he still falls with you. When you roll yourself down the street, he does the same without caring that he’s getting hurt in the process because you're suffering through the same cuts and scrapes.

Once you land at the bottom of the downhill street, you lay still with your back to the truck, making Jesse do the same and realize that the moment you’re not moving, the wolves stop shooting and still don’t get out of their car.

Thus you discreetly swipe the alcohol bottle out of the cup holder from your backpack and then take your lighter from a small pouch in your backpack.

The car is slow to approach so you have time to rip off a piece of your shirt and stuff it in the bottle.

“What—”

“Shh,” you shush Jesse and shake the bottle so the fabric is wet.

Once the fabric is soaked, you wait. And wait until the truck comes to a stop to light the wet fabric, causing a quick eating fire but creating a Molotov at that moment.

Thus, before the Molotov can explode, you swiftly flip around and hurl the bottle toward the car.

The bottle doesn’t break the windshield, but the moment the Molotov does its job and explodes, it finally breaks the windshield and stabs the driver and the passenger, while also setting part of the shooter on fire, but not all the way. Neither of them actually caught on fire completely, but it worked to injure and distract them, so you then push yourself to your feet with your rifle in hand, and without any concentration, you aim the rifle directly at the people as if done a thousand times before when it’s far from the truth.

The truth is you’ve seen dirty tricks like this done by your dad and Uncle Tommy, and even if your dad didn’t let you be a part of their ambushes and kept you hidden, you still saw what they did to innocent people and those tricks got stuck in your head so now you’re using them to survive as they did.

And like them, after you stop pretending to be dead, you shoot the driver, passenger, and the shooter in the head with a wicked good shot like your uncle Tommy. All without needing Jesse to intervene. You did all the dirty work without blinking and going completely out of character.

“There,” you breathe out and lower your gun. “It’s over. Let’s move now. Leave the car there. We’ll be able to go on foot if we hurry and hide.”

Jesse doesn’t judge because he’s done pretty bad stuff in the name of survival, but to see you get so bloodthirsty is unlike you, so he can’t help but be surprised.

“Come on. We don’t need what they have,” you say without letting him explore the truck or search the dead. You just run to the shadows to try and run from the scene. Not because you’re running from it with some sort of guilt, but because you know better than to linger around, so you keep moving and Jesse has no choice but to follow so as to not lose you.

——

*LATER*

“Here,” you breathe out deeply as you turn into the street the girls should’ve ended on. As to exactly what building they’re in? You don’t know.

You’re hoping they didn’t go somewhere too obvious, like the big eyesore that the Pinnacle Theater is, but then again, when you’re trying to run for your life it’s hard to find somewhere to hide

“Now what?” You ask and glance over at Jesse. “Where do you want to start?”

Jesse examines every building on the street and lastly lands at the same place you can’t take your eyes off of.

“The theater,” he says exactly what you’re thinking.

You nod stiffly in agreement. “Yeah okay,” you sigh and take the first step to lead the way to the theater at the end of the street.

“And if they’re not there then you get to say you’ve stepped into a Seattle theater,” he quips, making you giggle and keep staring at the worn-down theater that once shone so brightly.

“First theater ever,” you mention. “I never got to go to one before and…my dad never stayed in big places like those. After that, I just never tried to find one,” you say with some amount of awe that you can’t hold back. You have to let yourself embrace your astonishment even if you hope Ellie and Dina aren’t staying in a big place like it in enemy territory.

“Well, then you'll get to say that you actually stepped foot in a real theater,” Jesse corrects himself, and this time you smile faintly.

Eventually, when you reach the theater, you and Jesse fall back into focus and he opens the first doors that aren’t rusted shut. You then slowly walk in with your revolver loaded and ready, but don’t find anything dangerous or any sign that they’re at the entrance.

Thus, you slowly open the next doors that keep you away from the theater and Jesse slowly walks in first with his gun loaded and ready. You follow him once he’s inside, but the moment you step foot inside, you find that there’s no threat either.

From the entrance, you can see pillows and blankets splayed on the ground, but that could’ve been left here before by other people, so you don’t get your hopes up.

“No sign of Shimmer,” Jesse whispers as you both creep inside, just in case this place is crawling with infected. However, you don’t think that's so because you would’ve heard something.

Either way, when you reach the pillows and the blankets on the floor, you come to a stop and crouch to pick up a pillow and bring it to your nose.

Albeit, you can’t catch a whiff of either girl. You just pick up sweat and then notice that the blankets have no room between them. Which can mean nothing or everything. Either way, you don’t point it out and let Jesse come to his own conclusion. You just study the grand theater and take in all the spectacles that may feel like nothing to somebody, but to you, it’s almost like a dream come true.

You don’t even need the inside to be in its original form. It definitely would be better, but you can imagine the twinkling lights from the chandelier and all the different lights just perfectly. You can also picture how beautiful the marble staircase was before it got grey and dirty and all the wood started to rot. You can even hear and see all the different people with their different gowns and suits that mingled downstairs when you reach the deck on the second floor. It’s all so beautiful.

Every aspect of the theater is so beautiful, even the workers you imagined kept this place so magical and every little detail that made a theater what it was exists in your mind because you've seen it all in movies and visited it in your dreams many times before.

Alas, you’re not here to daydream, you’re here in search of Ellie and Dina, and when you’re on that deck on the second floor you find clear evidence in a map left on the table.

Smart.

“Let’s see,” you whisper and put your gun back in its holster to crouch by the table and check out all the perfect triangles that have pinpoints in different locations.

Not all of it really matters except for the hospital they circled with the name ‘Nora?’ written over it.

“This has to be them,” you think out loud as you notice a warehouse or something that’s right before the hospital.

“What a nerd, did Dina bring a projector?” You tease as you trace all the lines with your fingers. “The lines are so good.”

“Considering they’re not here. I’m assuming that’s where we have to go to find them,” Jesse points out as he stares hard at the map. “It’s not far, but not so close we can take our time here either. But let’s rest for a couple of minutes. Mark this on our map. I’m guessing we’ll probably catch them at the warehouse before they do something stupid.”

You hum and stand up to do as he said while also walking off to find some restrooms now that you can take a moment to breathe.

Of course, the bathrooms aren’t as spectacular as everything else. They’re old and smelly, so you don’t linger there to gawk. You just hurry out to be able to eat a piece of jerky while you’re not running for your lives and returning downstairs to head toward the auditorium.

Expecting the lights not to work, you flick on the light switch and then open the big doors. However, instead of walking into a dark and falling auditorium, you walk into all the warm lights bringing life to the auditorium still living in 2003.

Besides being old and abandoned, most of the hall is untouched by any kind of rot. Nothing is falling apart or collapsing. The paint is not chipped or cracked on any surface or wall, and no gaping holes welcome in the elements to destroy what was preserved. Everything is utterly…perfect.

The rows of dark wooden seats are still perfectly intact as if waiting for the next round of audiences to come in and sit on their raspy yet soft velvet cushions.

The red carpet lets out small clouds of dust when you step on its brightly red surface. The fake carved columns on the wall create perfect arches all around the room to make it seem like those ancient theaters in Ancient Greece where they were first invented.

When you walk under the chandelier, high up in the ceiling, a beautiful painting of gods and angels playing in the clouds still decorates the dome that holds the crystal chandelier that's still in perfect condition with no light snuffed, magnifying the beauty of the already perfect hall.

Yet nothing is more perfect than the stage decorated by the same fake marble columns and marble arches. Besides all the microphone stands, guitars, and equipment left on the stage by some forgotten band, it’s exactly like how you imagined it and how you see it in movies and pictures. Most importantly, it’s just like how you mocked it in Jackson.

And, If you close your eyes in the center of the stage, as you're absorbed by all the lights on the floor and on the walls that all point at you, you can see all your dreams come true. You can picture the beautiful costume tailored just for you to wear for the play you would have starred in. You can see the set made by the talented artists and crew. You can hear the clear echoes of the audience clapping, cheering, and praising the amazing performance, and you, the star of the show.

And when you open your eyes, it’s all still there. Your dream is alive and playing out before your very eyes. You can see the flashes of the sweet white and red roses that all fall around you, offering you more praise and pride. You can see your family on the front row: Maria, your Uncle, your husband Apollo, Ellie, Sarah, and…you also see him. Your dad is amongst the crowd too with tears of pride in his eyes, and palms red and stinging with how hard he’s clapping so he can be heard over the clamoring crowd.

If you want it hard enough, maybe it can and will come true. That perfect life.

Alas…no matter how long you stand there, or how hard you close your eyes to be transported back into that blissful dream, you stay where you are and he stays dead.

How crushing is that? Knowing that no matter how hard you want it to be true, your dad won’t come back.

It..it’s soul-crushing and makes dreaming something so grandeur and impossible, foolish. It was never going to happen before and you knew that, but you could accomplish some part of your dream in Jackson through the plays you’d produce, direct, and star in, but now, how can you when you know he won’t be in the crowd?

You draw out a deep breath and drop down to sit on the cold floor and pull your backpack off your shoulders to dig inside and take out your dad's old, broken watch you couldn’t part from the moment you saw it in that box of memories.

You remember the day Sarah gifted it to him after she said she fixed it for him and replay that moment again and again until the doors at the far end of the room open and Jesse walks in.

“What are you doing?” He asks once he’s close enough to the stage where he doesn’t have to yell his question.

“Having…dreams of grandeur,” you mutter and tuck the watch back in your backpack before you look back at him and watch him climb on stage to sit close to you.

“Is it everything you hoped for?” He asks and turns his head to meet your gaze.

You shrug. “I can’t complain.”

He chuckles breathlessly and nods along before he lies on the floor, taking advantage of the fact that you don’t have to keep your guard up at this instant.

You look away for a moment to admire the auditorium before you can’t help but look back at him as the shame you felt earlier circles back, making you wonder if he feels disgusted or scared. What you did was…unlike you and something you don’t like to do. It was necessary to find Ellie, but he should still feel disgusted like you do.

“Jesse,” you interrupt the moment's peace, making him hum—“about earlier,” you pause and sigh. “I’m sorry you had to see it. I’m sorry I had to do it. I didn’t like doing it,” you overexplain yourself. “I just—”

“It was necessary,” he cuts you off before you continue rambling about something he thinks is nonsense to apologize for, especially because it’s not like you did it randomly to some innocent person. You had to do it and he understands more than you know.

“I don’t feel any way about it,” he tries to assure you, and it helps, but you still feel at odds, like you still owe a better explanation.

“But…it wasn’t pretty or right.”

Jesse shakes his head. “Sometimes we have to bend our morals. It’s okay. I get it and I understand why you’d know the things you do and why you have to do them. You’ve made it this far in this messed-up world. It couldn’t have been because you were sheltered. Plus you were raised by Tommy and Joel.”

You feel relief that he doesn’t feel the way you do about yourself, that’s the reason why you share the memories he triggered by saying what he did. “My dad probably would’ve wished I grew up sheltered,” you share as you grab the watch again and lose your gaze on it. “That’s why we never stayed in places like this. They were too “flashy”. We were always in the middle of some woods. In some basement or vault where he couldn’t put me at risk, but…obviously he couldn’t hide me from the world…” you trail off and draw out a deep breath before you continue.

“I was seven when I killed my first person…or group of them,” you mention, making Jesse sit up to listen closely. “We had been with some group my Uncle convinced my Dad to join. It turned out that they weren’t our friends, so one night, while a group of infected ran into us. The group attacked…I didn’t want my dad to die, so I made a Molotov and…hit them all. Infected and people.”

A moment of silence follows before Jesse tries to justify your actions. “You saved your Dad and Uncle.”

“I got my Dad mad,” you interject quickly, making him turn to face you with confusion, so you explain. “Back then…he was always…mad. My sister's death…changed him. He was no longer the Dad I knew. He was cold and distant, but still overly protective to the point I couldn’t touch weapons and he would…be rough with me. My uncle Tommy had to secretly teach me how to hold weapons and aim and shoot. I had to learn how to make Molotovs and stuff like that by spying on them. He wasn’t himself, and then he left,” you pause and look up at him with a softness in your eyes.

“I didn’t see him again until I ran into him in Kansas City with Ellie,” you continue to share with a faint smile of admiration. “I saw him, and with her, I saw glimpses of himself that I couldn’t get out, but she did. She healed him…she brought back the dad that had raised me. It’s…why I’m here. For her. Because she means somethin’ to me and she meant somethin’ to him. It’s why I did the things I did to those people…and I would do it again for her.” You finish confidently with no falter or break in your voice. You feel shame, but not regret. He knows that now and so much more.

“I admire your devotion,” he says back with no judgment or hint of it. He means it with his chest. “I try to be half of the person you are.”

You scoff with surprise and can’t help your eyes from watering. “Oh…shucks,” you mumble and scratch the back of your head before you face him again and offer him a sweet smile

“I hope Ellie sees the devotion,” he says, making your smile fall.

“It’s more complicated than that between her and me,” you retort and put the watch back in your backpack before you get up on your feet. “But I hope she can understand why I’m here. Not because I doubt her, but because I’m worried.”

Jesse gets up after you and then tries to assure you. “I’m sure she will. In her own…awkward way.”

You giggle. “Yeah. I’m sure. Are you ready to head out?” You ask as you drift the subject to the impending matter of needing to find them.

“Yep.” He nods.

And with that, you leave the theater and head down your path.

The sun quickly goes down whilst on your way to the warehouse or whatever that big black box was on the map, and besides, bloody scenes that taint this beautiful city with horror, you don’t run into any trouble. Thankfully.

Yet you’re plagued with the worry on your way forward because one, Ellie didn’t want to see you, so you’re nervous about how she’s going to react when she does, and two, you don’t want to think the worst, but you’re scared that she may be hurt or worse.

Jesse is riddled with the same fear so you travel at a quick pace; never faltering or stopping.

Eventually, when you reach the warehouse that is actually a factory, you have to come to a stop, feeling your worry heighten and tie your stomach into knots as you’re outside a quiet factory that could hold Ellie and Dina’s dead bodies, or hold nothing because they made it out.

You’re hoping for the latter. Either way, you wait behind an old security post standing in front of the gate, and wait patiently for the big light in the distance to make it past you before Jesse breaks into a sprint toward the gate to try and break it open.

“It’s already open. Come on!” Jesse whispers loudly before you wince as you hear the sound of the wire moving as he forces himself inside. After that, you break from your spot and break in after him, hearing at that moment, the sound of gunshots coming from inside the building, so you abandon all kinds of precautions and sprint to the entrance without waiting for the spotlight to make its next round to able to make your way inside and sprint after the sound of infected, and gunshots that then stop.

Albeit screams of distress continue to echo and as if hit with a shot of adrenaline you run ahead of Jesse down a haunting hallway, and barge into a bigger room that holds a chaotic scene of six Stalkers.

Three stalkers surround Dina in her locked caged-off area and seem to be searching for a way inside to try and get her, whilst three other Stalkers have Ellie pinned down and seem to want to rip her apart. They’re close to doing so too, but you snatch your rifle off your shoulder with quick speed and don’t even debate about who to help first.

It wasn’t a choice between either Dina or Ellie because Jesse is right behind you, but even if it was you would have chosen Ellie. That’s why you immediately shoot a stalker at her side before you continue to go toward her with no regard for Dina's life. You then shoot a different stalker at Ellie’s side, and lastly reload to shoot the third that failed at getting away.

After that, you proceed to scan the room for more with the little light you have and when you don’t see anymore lurking in the shadows, you run to Ellie.

“Ellie!” You call out before you reach her, noticing the tears in her shirt that the Stalkers left. “Ellie,” you call out again as she looks around panicked and trying to piece together what suddenly happened. When she seems to notice Jesse, she fixates on him so you think that she might be ignoring you.

Thus you follow her line of gaze and notice that he has killed the three stalkers that were after Dina and is now helping her out of the cage, so you call out to Ellie again as you offer her your hand.

“Ellie!”

This time said girl's eyes find you and she takes a moment to just look at you with the same kind of shock and panic.

“It’s okay,” you try to assure her. “You’re okay.”

You don’t know if Ellie processes your words, but she finally gives you her hand and lets you help her up.

“Are you okay? Can you walk?” You ask as you study her from head to toe to make sure she doesn’t have any life-threatening gashes.

“Ye-yes,” she stammers as she still looks at you dumbfounded.

“Ellie, are you okay? Are you bit?” Jesse interjects as he now approaches you with Dina behind him.

“What?” Ellie says between pants. “No.”

She starts to move but you quickly grab her by her jacket and pull her toward you to pretend to be looking at her closer, but really you’re just blocking the view of her bites from Jesse.

“She’s okay!” Dina interjects behind Jesse. “I was watching. They didn’t bite her.”

Either she was distracted by all the chaos that surrounded her or…she knows because there’s no way she didn't see Ellie get bit multiple times because you saw when you came in.

“Jesse, I swear,” Dina tries to press as Jesse is doubtful.

“She’s okay,” you also add, making him meet your gaze and trust you on the spot.

“Dina, are you okay?” You now direct at her as you now take your time to study her too.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine!” She assures you just before the sound of more infected crying out interrupts the moment.

“We gotta go!” Jesse shouts, overwhelming you all with panic that makes you all move out of the room through the back door.

Rather than coming out to silence though, you’re greeted by the sound of barking dogs and Wolves in the distance that keep you sprinting away from the building without caring for the spotlight discovering your position.

“Don't stop!” You yell at the others as they follow behind you. “Keep going!”

Gunshots proceed to go off and try to bring you all down.

“I'll shoot ‘em! Go!” Jesse exclaims as he lets you lead the way out of the property as he tries to do what he said.

“Over there! Over there!” You hear the Wolves shout.

You leave the factory and run into a tunnel that leads you toward a dark infested park.

“The park!” You point out whilst Jesse catches up to you. “We can lose ‘em in there! Come on!”

You lead everyone in the park as the Wolves continue to chase after you, shooting their guns and thankfully missing.

However, when you’re inside the park, carving a way through the tall greenery to escape them, you don’t hear them come after you anymore.

“Looks like five…” you hear them say in the distance. “Four unknowns chased into the park. Heavily armed. Not scars.”

You slow down to a walk now that you’re hidden in the shrubbery and have the Wolves waiting past the park gates.

“What are they doing?” Ellie asks what you’re all thinking as you all come to a stop behind cover without keeping your eyes off the Wolves.

“If they try and come out,” you hear a W.L.F soldier say. “Shoot ‘em.”

You squint your gaze and feel more nervous now that they’re choosing not to come after you.

“Not coming in the park,” Jesse points out.

“Oh,” Ellie groans. “You gotta be kidding me.”

“Great,” Dina cuts in. “More infected.”

You lower your gun but still keep your eyes on the Wolves ahead.

“Maybe,” Jesse says. “But we can’t go back that way.”

You search the park for a different exit, but you can’t immediately spot any, so you just have to lead the group blindly.

“Come on, but let’s be careful. They could surprise us,” you keep the group moving away.

“Hey, guys,” Ellie doesn’t let a silence settle but is not too loud either. She speaks in a whisper and surprisingly addresses you. “Guys.”

“Hm?” You hum, making her let out a small breath before she continues to probe.

“How did you find us?”

Without looking back at her so you won’t miss anything, you offer her a short but honest response. “The map you left in the theater.”

“Impressive triangulation, but the way,” Jesse chimes in.

“Thanks, that was all Dina.”

You scoff in amusement because you knew he wasn’t directing it at Ellie.

“Trust me, I didn’t think it was you,” Jesse quips.

“How did you find the theater?” Ellie continues to ask.

“Do I look like I wanna fucking talk to you right now?” Jesse snaps as you hear them come to a stop that brings you to a stop too.

“Did you guys come alone?” Dina gets to ask as Ellie keeps quiet, not letting you offer Ellie a nicer response.

“No,” you respond to Dina as you keep moving. “We came with my Uncle Tommy too. We split up when we got to the city though. Cover more ground.”

“I can’t believe they sent you after us,” Ellie retorts to which Jesse now talks back to.

“They didn’t, but you two were gonna die out here, so we snuck out the next night. And it’s a good thing we did.”

“You know what,” Ellie interjects sharply. “We were doing pretty fucking good up until—”

“Up until what?” Jesse cuts her off, making you glance back without the same frustration Jesse has.

“Until we weren’t,” Ellie mutters in defeat so you interject.

“It doesn’t matter. We all found each other and now we need to find a way out without gettin’ killed. That’s what matters. Let’s argue later.”

Ellie meets your gaze and she swallows thickly and blinks, changing the look in her eyes from annoyed and defeated to puzzled.

Neither of you get to say anything even if you want to because of your circumstances, so you keep moving.

“Is Tommy okay?” Dina asks now and breaks the tension.

“Hopefully,” you tell her. “We’re supposed to rendezvous in the mornin’.”

“So, what now?” Dina continues to ask.

“Find a way out,” Jesse interjects. “Get back to the theater, shelter for the night. Meet up with Tommy, and then we all go home.”

You nod in agreement, but Ellie argues against the plan.

“No.”

“Ellie,” Dina argues, but no one gets to ask anything because whistling then breaks through the park, making you all stop and crouch lower.

“What the fuck is that?” Dina asks as the whistle seems to sound like some sort of message or sign, you don't know. It sounded all of a sudden and then a short whistle sounds after it, but this one sounds closer than the one before. Moreover, in the darkness firelight then erupts on a torch, letting you see that there's people in the park with you.

Not just one and the others from before, but more because behind you another assortment of whistles goes off.

“Hey,” Jesse whispers softly. “Go.”

You look over at him and see him point further down your path so you now follow after him as he leads the group away as carefully as possible until the sound of desperate pleading, and the sight of more firelight brings you to a stop.

“No wait, please. Please, please, please!”

You all look over where the sound comes from and manage to catch a glimpse of a group of those people who wear the same thing and sport a strange sign on their backs. They appear to be bringing forth a man wearing different yet normal clothes.

“I’m not—I’m not like the others. Please. No, no, no, wait. Wait, wait, I’ll join! I-I’ll join you. I’ll join.”

“Too late, wolf,” a bald man says as he watches the group of his people hang a rope around the W.L.F’s neck.

“No, no. No, no, no, wait!” The man continues to plead. “I know things. I know what Isaac is planning. I can help you. I can—” he says but doesn’t get to finish because he begins to gasp for air as the people pull him up with the rope, threatening to end his life.

“We have no interest in your words,” the bald man says back. “For the corrupted soul knows only lies. So taught the Prophet.”

“May she guide us,” they all now chant.

“What the fuck,” you mouth as horror slowly rises within you.

“No. No. No. No. No,” the W.L.F. tries to protest as the bald man grabs a curved sword and gets closer to him.

“No, no, no, no. Please, please, please. No. No. No. No! No! No!”

With the bald man now before the W.L.F., he raises his sword and brings it to the W.L.F’s throat, making the man sob and whimper with more fear for his life.

“No.” The W.L.F pleads but it doesn’t stop the bald man from slowly unbuttoning his shirt and proceeding to talk oddly.

“He is nested in sin.”

“Free him that he may know Her love,” all the others say the same thing in response.

The W.L.F. continues to plead, but no amount of sobs can spare him. The bald man hooks the curved blade in the W.L.F, and the others proceed to pull him further up, causing the blade to make a long slash down his torso that makes him bleed out and makes you slap your hand on your mouth and look away in horror.

Now instead of seeing the horror, you hear the obscene sound of his guts falling on the ground before he stops struggling.

“Now, he is free,” you hear the old man announce.

Rather than hearing a response from all the others, another whistle breaks through the park seconds before an arrow comes flying by and hits Dina right on the leg, causing the girl to grunt and gasp with surprise and pain.

“Oh, fuck!” Jesse exclaims and you look at her leg with shock before you look up at her and try to take her mind off it.

“Don't pull it out. Let’s keep movin’ okay? That’s all you need to focus on. You’ll be okay.”

She nods frantically as she can’t help but reach for the arrow.

“Dina, honey, don’t touch that arrow. Try to find a way out!” You try to keep her distracted.

“I’ll lead them away,” Ellie interjects. “Get her out!”

You snap your head toward her and part your lips but Jesse cuts in as if knows what you want to say. “I need someone to watch my back then. Dina can’t walk, and I can’t shoot while I’m carrying her.”

You look at him and then at Ellie so she presses her decision with her eyes before she shouts. “Go. Help him out. I’ll meet you back at the theater.”

Jesse picks up Dina bridal style and you continue to hesitate.

“I need you to trust me,” Ellie directs at you as Jesse starts to run away without waiting for you—“I need you to do that! For me!”

Knowing how capable she is, you give her the benefit of the doubt.

“Okay, fine, but just lead them away, Ellie. I will come after you if you don’t come back by a certain time.” You tell her, making her nod in comprehension and making you offer her some sweet last words. “Be careful.”

She hums without saying it back and turns to run off, making you watch her until her figure is hidden behind more shrubbery. After that, as she shoots her gun to lead them away, you run after Jesse and stay at his side so you have a better look at your surroundings while he’s limited due to Dina being in his arms.

Now you may have made it out of that park without getting spotted. Ellie managed to lead those people away, but you aren't out of the woods with Dina writhing in pain in Jesse’s arms, and the theater being a long ways away.

You have to run so many miles while Dina is invalid, Jesse is slower and vulnerable, and you have to dart your eyes everywhere to not miss a thing while also being bombarded by a memory that tugs at your heart as you hear Dina’s sounds of pain.

——

*A YEAR AGO. JACKSON*

“It hurts…Daddy it hurts,” you whimper as another wave of sharp unbearable pain comes crashing into you, making you think that this will bring your end.

“I know. I know it hurts, baby…just,” he pauses and caresses your sweat-covered forehead as he watches you, causing Apollo to try and assure you as your dad thinks of what to say to make you feel better as you suffer through the pains of labor.

He’s no stranger to women in labor. He was at your mother's side when she was in labor, and he was there when Sarah was born, but it’s different now. He lost your mother to complications in childbirth, and he lost his eldest daughter to unrelated matters, but he could lose you too just like he lost Sarah, and just like how he lost your mother, so what can he say to make you and him feel better?

What is there to say? What can he do?

Watch you suffer and fear the worst every time you cry because of a contraction?

Watch you die?

He can’t—he doesn’t know what to say or do anymore.

“I…I’m goin’ to get Maria,” he says mindlessly and leaves your side to go do as he said without waiting to hear if you���ll protest. He just leaves, and when he walks out to the waiting room, everyone who is waiting for the baby to be born gets up expecting good news, but Joel looks at Maria pale and out of sorts.

“She is askin’ for you,” he tells her mindlessly as he points back in your direction, and without question, Maria marches down to you with Joel and Tommy at her tail.

Instead of going in after her, Joel stays outside the room and lets the door close after Maria.

“I’m here babygirl,” he catches Maria telling you before the door closes and leaves him out of the room.

Another wave of pain seems to hit you because you cry out louder, crushing him to the point his chest tightens so much that he doesn’t know if he’s breathing.

“Joel,” Tommy calls out for his brother with concern but said man waves him off and starts to trudge away with his hand on his chest.

He tries to collect himself for you, but it’s because you remind him of your mother the day he lost her that he can’t go back.

He remembers holding Sarah until her dying breath and he can’t watch that happen again with his youngest daughter… the only child he has left and cherishes more than life for that reason.

Thus, he stays away, but close enough to be at your side quickly. He just can’t stand to hear you in pain or stand being in the room.

It’s not until hours later after you’ve given birth to your son, Theo, that you see your dad again trailing after Ellie.

“Hello?” Ellie says cautiously as she looks around the room for your little bundle of joy.

“Come in,” Apollo waves them both in. “He’s here.”

“A boy.” Ellie smiles. “I knew it. Jesse owes me twenty dollars.”

Your Uncle Tommy and Maria laugh and tease her for the fact that she doesn’t have said money, but alas, she comes up to you to meet little Theo and is so fascinated by him, but scared to hurt him at the same time, so she just admires him and doesn’t dare hold him out of fear she’d drop him.

It’s a silly fear. You assure her that she won’t drop the baby, but she doesn’t budge.

You’ll have her hold him when you’re back home then.

Thus, nevertheless, after Ellie moves to the side you focus on your dad in the back of the room and wave him over. “Do you want to meet him? I swear you won’t drop him.”

Your dad gulps and hesitates for a moment before he makes his way to your side. At first, he looks at the baby and takes note of his little swollen face and his father’s brown hair. He makes sure he’s breathing as he lays perfectly still on your chest before he drags his eyes to you and makes sure he doesn’t notice anything wrong.

When your mother died he only saw her exhaustion so what should he look for?

“They’re both okay,” Apollo interjects as he notices how quiet your dad is. “They’ll both be okay. She just needs to rest.”

You smile at Apollo and then look over at your dad with the same tender smile.

“He’s sleepin’ but he has your eyes,” you let him know, making a faint smile break on your dad’s lips before he finally meets your gaze with his eyes slowly brimming with tears.

“Are you feelin’ okay? Nothin’ hurts? You’ll let someone if something hurts, right?” He breaks his silence and makes you scoff softly.

“Well I’m in pain, but it’s manageable now. I’m okay,” you assure your dad as he starts to look panicked. “I’ll be okay.”

He draws out a deep breath and lets his tears break out of his eyes before he sits at your side to be able to lean down and press a kiss on your head before he presses his forehead against yours and comforts himself over the fact that you’re here. He did not lose you.

.

.

.

.

.

A/N- 😩🥺

Tagged- @slut-f0r-u @star-wars-lover @maplecohen @givemylovetoall @itzagothamcitysiren @sammy-13 @beloved-reblogger @emiriia @rues-daya @sunfairyy @littleshadow17 @mcu-starwars @bigtuffswordboy @riaqiax @dheet @queenofthekill @joliettes @d4rno @hardbeingcasual @rana030 @pedropascalluvr41 @ahoyyharrington @beaniebeensbaby201 @maeneedsabreak @maelartasch @adristyles @daughterofthequeen @alastorhazbin @sunsumonner @khaylin27 @hypatia93 @hummusxx @v4mpyk1tten @1donoow @your-shifting-gurl @g4ns3y @izzzzy-the-amazing @aphr0d1teh @lovelyygirl8 @ivy-taylorsversion @mmkkzz @avitute @fuckmebobboys @kitdjarin1 @barnes70stark

[sexcromancy]

it's so bonkers that every time angel comes back on btvs he acts as though it is buffy who doesn't want them to be together. bro YOU left HER. and she begged him not to... but every time he comes back he is like. why do you have another boyfriend. why can't we be together. I can resist temptation [immediately proceeds to get overwhelmed and back out]. and my favorite - in the s1 angel episode with buffy, when she comes to find faith, he YELLS AT HER about how he is building his own life and moving on and how dare she come back here expecting something. when she was literally not even there for himmmm oh my god he makes me sick. okay anyway. analysis. there's a very interesting meta aspect to this re: the different television shows. when angel is on btvs or vice versa, there is an artificial limit to how long they can be there. it seems to be pretty much one scene at a time; angel is in the s4 buffy episode a bit longer but not by much. that limit has to be reflected somehow in their dynamic, hence the heightened tension of every interaction. there has to be a reason they can't stay, and/or a reason to leave. there's also genre to consider. buffy has to have forward momentum in her journey bc she is on a Coming Of Age Show, so she can't be constantly hung up on angel and begging for him to come back. she does periodically make it clear that he is still in her heart, but ultimately, her current relationships are a huge part of the fabric of the show. conversely, angel's genre is noir (as I understand it?) and noir really benefits from a tragic hero mourning a doomed romance. plus, boreanaz is so good at looking miserable. so even though angel chooses to leave, it is framed in retrospect as a choice he was forced to make for Buffy's benefit. he will always, always play the tortured hero here, as though hurting her was necessary and beneficial for her. was it? I guess, because she didn't have to look at his stupid face anymore, and because she does eventually reach a place where - altho she does not outright reject him in the s7 finale - she is able to articulate that she might not need or want him ever again, and she needs to figure that out for herself. crucially the show is only willing to dissipate the long term will they won't they tension as btvs is ending. however, leaving was DEFINITELY good for angel and for boreanaz, because both character and actor were now able to lead his own show. and again it comes back to genre - with an older leading man, angel can be a more serious and lore-driven show than buffy. over and over again when I asked friends who've watched both shows lore-based questions, they said, oh well that's covered in angel. which is INFURIATING. of course the show led by a man is going to be the one where all that happens, especially once Giles leaves. of course btvs has to maintain the emotional core, the relationship focus, everything a Girl Show does. and I'm not even necessarily saying I wanted more lore - generally I get bored by it - but to see such a stark contrast is agonizing. alright I don't have like a cogent thesis for this post but basically that's a lot of stuff I've been thinking about re: bangel now that I can look at the whole thing. There Will Be More

[raileurta]

Do you think Miko just spent the first month making weird faces to figure out the new jaw setup? Or just biting everything to figure out her jaw strength? What *is* their jaw strength now? What about teeth? Since she’s living so much longer does she regrow teeth every so often? Considering her new size, do you think bulkhead would try making little clothes? I could definitely see Miko getting the largest size possible and just soaking it in dye to get the style she wants though. (I could see her using red dye for something and accidentally giving bulkhead a heart (spark??) attack looking like she’s covered in blood too lmao)

Out of the two, I could see Raph overcompensating for the new horns while Miko occasionally still accidentally hits things with them. So ironically, he’s the one who sort of ominously appears while Miko is more focused on speeding around rather than keeping tabs of her surroundings and being quiet.

Jack must be uncanny as hell for the bots though. Like imagine your little buddy, a little remy ratatouille size guy, being kidnapped and when he comes back he’s just like your size now. He can just like…look you in the eye during a conversation now. You’re not used to that. You’re used to him being little chef size, not like…Jeff from accounting. That’s not even touching the Unicron sparkeater business either. With Miko she’s at least still smaller than you so you can probably defend yourself if she decides to try something. Jack could probably just gore you now. You know he won’t, but the sudden change is very jarring and you just need like a transition period to make that little voice in the back of your mind calm down about it.

Considering how similar messengers and western/european dragons look, do you think that centuries ago unicron dubbed someone from the area a messenger (idk how or why, it’s just interesting to think about) and that’s where the myth arose? My default interpretation is that they’re welsh cause of the flag, but honestly anywhere from the area would work lol

I know Miko won’t kill anything to bring back to the bots. But you know those cats who bring back things like leaves and rocks and stuff instead? I could see Miko taking full advantage of those new zoom in eyes to search the desert like a vulture to find cool lost/abandoned trinkets to bring back lol

Anyways, ramble over, hope your weeks going well!

Yep. I would do this definitely at least.

Their jaw strength? Well it at minimum it would need to be able to crunch through Cybertronian metal so very high to say the least.

They do regrow their teeth with high regularity, kinda like a shark.

Bulkhead is an absolute sweetheart so I can easily see him doing that. The thought of him watching YouTube videos to learn how to sew is really cute. Miko is banned from touching anything that reassembles blood as all the Autobots would think it's real.

It’s much too likely it would be real. (Maybe not even her own)

Raf is much more spatially aware than Miko is at the very least. She's just zooming around the base knocking everything over that's not nailed down. Raf is just unintentionally being the creepy kid that just appears right next to you making everyone jump.

Messengers are about a little shorter than Bumblebee, however Jack is still Arcee's baby so she's still going to mother him. It makes me picture them platonically cuddling but Jack is low-key crushing her but Arcee doesn't have the heart (spark) to move him. Cat privilege is a real thing, people. Jeff from accounting you see haha. That's a grown ass man./ref

Jack has “I can rock your shit” abilities now. Miko is extremely jealous.

Nah, Unicron wasn't awake until Unicron rising. He just woke up with 10 billion kids suddenly on his surface from his perspective. However his presence did unknowingly give rise to many legends and myths from weird stuff he accidentally caused.

Miko is self aware enough to know bringing back a dead bot would not go over well with the Autobots. So she does bring back other cool stuff she found.

Yours to I hope!

[maycanady]

It’s getting awfully close to dinnertime.

ABIGAIL (2024) dir. Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett

[boarloved-art]

ghost girl no longer wip...they did it...they made it out of wip-dom.....

[devils-yui]

Remade an old OC, say hello once again to Titania!

My alien-humanoid oc from Beast Wars!

(Click for better quality)

I was also inspired by @emerald-dragonflame and thought to myself that, “hey maybe I should bring back my oc for my oc x canon, with Dinobot, who was also an alien!”

[simcardiac-arrested]

never volunteer for anything university related man. also go listen to this

[serpentface]

Given what you've said about braids and their relation to traditional feminity in the Wardi Empire how does it impact Couya as an odonii priestess and as an upperclass women very involved in politics. How is Couya wearing a men's cloak viewed? What are gender expectations for odonii priestesses?

Partially elaborated in another post, but I can expand. It's complicated because Odonii experience reduced pressure to conform to expected women's roles, and a degree of 'masculinity' is accepted and normalized.

This is most prominent in that they do not marry and are expected to remain celibate (marriage and childbearing is otherwise basically a given for women, especially in the upper classes in which marriages are almost invariably arranged and a means of brokering alliances between families). This both frees them from very practical social restrictions and costs, but also of perceived spiritual pollution otherwise considered inevitable to women via pregnancy and as receiving sexual partners.

Their involvement in the military sphere (otherwise considered wholly the realm of men under normal circumstances) also by proxy frees them of certain dress standards. A lot of their base clothing would be considered 'masculine' in other contexts, being less physically restrictive and more practical for free movement. (This style of clothing would also be associated with poverty- ie women who have to perform hard labor, but this association is offset via expensive blue dyes and other visual signifiers).

They occupy a unique, somewhat nonbinary space in the cultural gender framework- they are considered women but without flaws and weaknesses considered otherwise innate or inevitable to women (and in a material sense they are afforded legal rights and privileges otherwise only accessible to men). So a degree of 'masculinity' can be not only accepted but deemed highly positive, reflective of their superior qualities. But this is only the types of 'masculinity' already implied by their roles and function (ie physical strength, practical dress, an assertive and commanding personality, etc).

This doesn't mean they are entirely freed of gender presentation norms. Couya wearing a men's style cloak is in the 'acceptable' range (would be clocked as pretty masc, but acceptably so for her station- masc dress=freedom of movement and a display of strength, appropriate for someone who serves as a physical embodiment of military might). Frequently wearing hair loose and unbraided is Not similarly appropriate. It's not just that she's diverging from an expected women's beauty standard, but that it also culturally indicates laziness, looseness, and inappropriate masculinity. It (combined with everything else) crosses the line from appropriately de-feminized to inappropriately masculinized, and will receive some scrutiny and judgment. But the very, very powerful social status of Odonii means that most of the consequences are immaterial.

So Couya more or less gets away with it, but this has contributed to her being generally unliked and a frequent subject of gossip and jokes (tends to be of the 'good thing no one has to marry THAT' and 'she swore virginhood because no one was gonna fuck her anyway' ilk, including from other priestesses). And more of this social scrutiny means her other unfavorable traits become more apparent (social awkwardness, inappropriate bluntness, etc).

Just in general she was not set up for success. She is technically an illegitimate child- her father had an affair after his wife's second son was born fatally premature. She was claimed and given the family name to avoid the associated shame on her father and legal mother above anything else.

From a young age she was considered slow, antisocial, strange, devastatingly unconcerned with presentation, and annoying (she's autistic and does not exist in a context where that is like, understood and going to be readily supported), which only further disincentivized her parents putting any real efforts into developing her into a suitable female heir. They were kind of just running through the bare minimum motions of raising her. She grew up with the (TREMENDOUS) benefits of a very wealthy family, but had no chance at receiving a good inheritance and would have been married off at the first profitable chance. She and Janeys both experienced some pretty horrific parental abuse after Faiza was selected as an Odonii (chosen by the Odomache herself, a Big Fucking Deal) and removed from the household, and this four year period kind of shaped everything she is now.

Faiza was the only member of Couya's immediate family who actually liked her, and was motivated enough to get her out of there to persuade a senior priestess to select Couya as an Odonii. Their parents readily encouraged this once the possibility became clear (becoming a high-status priestess would be of greater benefit to the family than anything Couya could have provided via marriage, and it was a little concerning that they were losing out on another chance of producing legitimate heirs, but it would be alright since they had a legitimate son who was Totally going to do that). Couya performed very well in this context and was inducted and sworn, which pretty much saved her from a life of privileged misery.

She takes her role very seriously, and on a more personal level her unconventional presentation is a matter of pride. She's kind of flaunting her status by consistently presenting this way and experiencing few consequences worse than mockery. She gets to behave and present in ways that she was punished for throughout her childhood, and there's nothing anyone can really do about it. There's definitely a "FUCK YOU MOM" undercurrent to it, but it also pleases her on its own terms. (On a less profound level, she just prefers this style of clothing, likes having a masculine presentation, and doesn't like how braided hair feels).

So like all that being said, her status as an Odonii is a powerful protection against things that would otherwise be RUINOUS for a woman of her stature, and she is Not a good case study for how her presentation would affect a woman of her political standing. She gets away with a lot and faces mainly petty social consequences.

[bewitchingbloom]

Seeing that post go around about characters giving each other gifts in their color scheme got me thinking. I don't think Ariadne would give Daeran and Woljif gifts in her color scheme, but I do think she'd make them gifts during her countless hobby-hopping stints.

Off the top of me head, I think she:

Painted Daeran the nude portrait he always wanted, complete with him being surrounded by winged phalluses. He hangs it in his study, obviously.

Knits Woljif a pair of mittens, in black of course. He wears them, appreciating how warm they are even if they dampen his dexterity just a touch (and that is important when forming the perfect snowball to sneak attack Daeran with.)

Obviously during her numerous baking phases she makes them treats they like. Woljif's cherry rolls are a given; for Daeran, he strikes me as the type that likes pistachio baklava.

I'll probably think of more later but I think this is a good starting point.

[wackywatchdotcom]

one of the first few things i remember noting about the show when i watched it all for the first time (i dont quite count when i initially watched the pilot a yr ago cus i dont think i was giving it enough attention) was the idea that a person adapting fast to the circus is Weird. like it doesnt mean that the person likes it so much as it implies the person either 1. is just adaptable, thats a factor, or 2. they already are used to awful situations and adapting to this one IS still likely a challenge, but their ability to slot into the setting can sorta imply a person was already used to despair or fear, potentially to an extreme. and i remember noting how pomni adapted fast. like she definitely hasnt fully gotten used to it and i think that will take a Long While. but i think her ability to treat it as Life, her ability to give up on leaving so fast speaks to the idea that i feel like she gives off that she was absolutely miserable or had a history of being absolutely miserable before the circus....

[mushroominaforest]

That's not a healthy way of dealing with this kind of situation

(talking about the whole of @ask-the-colony-tree-siblings blog being abandoned)

After all, you don't just not think about doing the dishes just because you don't wanna do them, you gotta get them done or you wont have any dishes later (bad example, I know lol)

I am someone who really enjoyed that blog being active and am now very sad to see it discontinued (or paused? idk)

Maybe if you ever get back into Rain World you could go back to working on the blog?

I don’t think that saying I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about the blog was me poorly handling a situation, because the actual situation I have to deal with is being someone who has a hard time saying no when I’m made to feel guilty about not doing something. I won’t have fun doing the blog right now, it would just feel like work or make me more stressed, and I’m actually fairly proud of myself for being able to stop, regardless of wether or not other people want me to.

My side blog is not a chore that I have to do eventually or a job that I’m obligated to do- it was a fun little project that I did for a few months because I enjoyed it. I’m sorry that I made you sad when I stopped, I know a lot of people were disappointed, but I dont want to force myself to do something I don’t need to just for the sake of people-pleasing. It’s okay for me to put my ask blog on hiatus.

(I’m also very busy with school right now lol. I started that ask blog in the summer, and the amount of posting I did on it went down significantly when school started. It’s just not a priority right now.)

If there comes a point where it’s something that will be enjoyable for me again, of course I’ll go back to it! That’s just not right now.

[amelikos]

I think Sango is probably the character I didn't expect to come to like so much during this year.

[bendover-productions]

Sorry if you've already been informed of this, but in case you haven't, I just want you to know that Sam still has the teal pom pom hat! He said on the podcast that he misplaced it almost immediately and thought he had lost it, but that he found it in his bag once he got back!

NO!!! no one told me!!! 😭😭 thank you so much, that teal hat is incredibly important to me and i am delighted he still has it

^^^sam in that hat. to me tbh <3

[phinnking]

decided to wear the skirt I bought a while ago for the first time today and so far I've had 2 of 3 family members in this house very akwardly comment on it so let's see how long it takes for me to get 100%

[ambersky0319]

Store managers said even a few minutes overtime will be a write up

I'm calling bullshit

[beingnotseeming]

sometimes maturing is simply utilizing the private post option LMAO