#she loves so much and so deeply and so truly that she WANTS to re-wire other people's priorities

[itspileofgoodthings]

i've said this so many times but the all-encompassing love and protection in Taylor saying "chasing make-believe status last time you felt free was when none of that shit mattered cause you were with me" shakes me to my core

[gffa]

Star Wars: The Clone Wars – Stories of Light and Dark, coming August 25, promises to be a beautiful tribute to the just-completed animated series. The anthology will collect 11 stories by 11 authors — Lou Anders, Preeti Chhibber, Zoraida Córdova, Jason Fry, Rebecca Roanhorse, Greg Van Eekhout, Tom Angleberger, E. Anne Convery, Sarah Beth Durst, Yoon Ha Lee, and Anne Ursu — including 10 retellings of memorable episodes and arcs and one original Nightsisters-based story.  So if you loved the tales of Ahsoka, Maul, and clanker-busting clones, Star Wars: The Clone Wars – Stories of Light and Dark will give you the chance to experience them again in a whole new way. Like Captain Rex on a recon mission, StarWars.com reached out to each author to learn why they love The Clone Wars, and which stories they’re telling. Lou Anders (“Dooku Captured” and “The Gungan General,” based on the episodes of the same name): I love The Clone Wars for expanding the story of Anakin’s fall from grace. Skywalker really shines in the series, and we see what he truly was, and what he could have been, and by giving him so many opportunities to excel in the early season, his ultimate fate is that much more tragic. I also love the series for gifting us my all-time favorite Star Wars character, and one of my favorite characters from any universe — Hondo Ohnaka!      My chapter is a retelling of the first season story arc that plays out across the episodes “Dooku Captured” and “The Gungan General.” I wanted to explore this storyline because I find Count Dooku a fascinating character. Sometimes pure, mustache-twirling, mwa-ha-ha evil can actually be boring to write, but a villain who feels they are justified, either because of perceived slights or intellectual superiority or the failure of their rivals or birthright are much more interesting, and Dooku is a bit of all of this. For research, I obviously watched tons of Clone Wars. But I also read up on everything about Dooku I could find, and I listened to Christopher Lee and Corey Burton’s interpretation of the character over and over, trying to internalize their speech patterns. Dooku is so gorgeously supercilious. It was just a blast to get in his head and see the world from his perspective. (And the fact that the storyline gave me another chance to write for my beloved Hondo Ohnaka was an added bonus!) Tom Angleberger (“Bane’s Story,” based on the episodes “Deception,” “Friends and Enemies,” “The Box,” and “Crisis on Naboo”): There’s a lot to love in The Clone Wars, but I think it’s Ahsoka’s arc that really stands out the most. Ventress’s arc does, too, and the way that these arcs cross at the just the right moment is really great Star Wars!      My chapter is based on the “Crisis on Naboo” story arc. It’s basically a Space Western. The baddest bounty hunter of them all, Cad Bane, is hired to kidnap the Chancellor. What he doesn’t know is that almost everyone is lying to him, especially a fellow bounty hunter who is really Obi-Wan in disguise. In the TV version, we see it all from Obi-Wan’s point of view, so we know that Bane is getting played. In this retelling, we see it all from Bane’s point of view and, boy, is he going to be mad! To prepare I watched both The Clone Wars AND old spaghetti Westerns starring Bane’s inspiration: Lee Van Cleef. Preeti Chhibber (“Hostage Crisis,” based on the episode of the same name): I love the story that the prequels tell, but because of the nature of what they were trying to do — tell a decade and a half worth of story in three films — we’re missing major moments in what the war really means to the galaxy at large, and in the Skywalker saga itself. The Clone Wars tells us that part of the narrative, it gives us the shape of what entire populations of people had to go through because of this war manufactured by the ultimate evil. And within that scope gives us the hope and love and beautiful tragedy we associate with Star Wars on a larger scale. (Also, Ahsoka Tano — The Clone Wars gave us Ahsoka Tano and for that I will be ever grateful.)      I’m writing Anakin’s story during “Hostage Crisis” — an episode in the first season of The Clone Wars. I decided to write the story entirely from Anakin’s perspective, which meant being inside his head before the fall, but where we are starting to see more of the warning signs. And then there’s also the romance of this episode! Anakin’s love for Padmé is real and all-consuming and, as we eventually find out, unhealthy. So, this is a romantic episode, but one that shows us Anakin is ruled by his heart. And that that’s a dangerous thing for a Jedi. In order to best wrap my own head around what was going on, I watched the episode itself several times, and read the script, and then I watched the chronological episodes of Anakin’s run-ins with Cad Bane, so I could get a real feel for where he was with his understanding of Bane’s character. E. Anne Convery (“Bug,” based on the episode “Massacre”): I love it because I think it’s a story that manages, while still being a satisfying adventure, to not glorify war. It does this mainly by following through on the arcs of wonderful, terrifying, funny, fallible, and diverse characters. From the personal to the political, The Clone Warsredefines the ways, big and small, that we can be heroes.      My chapter is the “original” tale, though it still touches on The Clone Wars Season Four episode “Massacre,” with brief appearances by Mother Talzin and Old Daka. If I had to boil it down, I’d say that it’s a story about mothers and daughters. Honestly, it felt a little like cheating, because writing new characters meant I got to be creative in the Star Wars universe somewhat unencumbered by what’s come before. I did, however, have several long text chats with Sam Witwer because I was interested in Talzin’s motivations. We talked about stuff like her capacity (or lack thereof) for love. I think I came away thinking she was more a creature driven by issues of power, control, and the desire for revenge, whereas Sam was a little kinder to her. I mean, he is her “son,” so you can’t really blame him for wanting to think better of her! I always love a story within a story, and I was interested in the space where the high mythology of Star Wars and the home-spun mythology of fairy tales could intersect. I drew on my own background in mythology, psychology, and the language of fairy tales, plus I did my Star Wars research. Re-watching the Nightsisters episodes was just plain fun. Zoraida Córdova (“The Lost Nightsister,” based on the episode “Bounty”): The Clone Wars deepens the characters we already love. It gives us the opportunity to explore the galaxy over a longer period of time and see the fight between the light and the dark side. Star Wars is about family, love, and hope. It’s also incredibly funny and that’s something that The Clone Wars does spectacularly. We also get to spend more time with characters we only see for a little bit in the movies like Boba Fett, Bossk, Darth Maul!      My chapter follows Ventress after she’s experienced a brutal defeat. Spoiler alert: she’s witnessed the death of her sisters. Now she’s on Tatooine and in a rut. She gets mixed up with a bounty hunter crew led by Boba Fett. Ventress’s story is about how she goes from being lost to remembering how badass she is. I watched several episodes with her in it, but I watched “Bounty” about 50 times. Sarah Beth Durst (“Almost a Jedi,” based on the episode “A Necessary Bond”): I spent a large chunk of my childhood pretending I was training to become a Jedi Knight, even though I’d never seen a girl with a lightsaber before. And then The Clone Wars came along and gave me Ahsoka with not one but TWO lightsabers, as well as a role in the story that broadened and deepened the tale of Anakin’s fall and the fall of the Jedi. So I jumped at the chance to write about her for this anthology.      In my story, I wrote about Ahsoka Tano from the point of view of Katooni, one of the Jedi younglings who Ahsoka escorts on a quest to assemble their first lightsabers, and it was one of the most fun writing experiences I’ve ever had! I watched the episode, “A Necessary Bond,” over and over, frame by frame, studying the characters and trying to imagine the world, the events, and Ahsoka herself through Katooni’s eyes. The episode shows you the story; I wanted to show you what it feels like to be inside the story. Greg van Eekhout (“Kenobi’s Shadow,” based on the episode “The Lawless”): What I most love about Clone Wars is how we really get to know the characters deeply and see them grow and change.      I enjoyed writing a couple of short scenes between Obi-Wan and Anakin that weren’t in the episode. I wanted to highlight their closeness as friends and show that Anakin’s not the only Jedi who struggles with the dark side. There’s a crucial moment in my story when Obi-Wan is close to giving into his anger and has to make a choice: Strike out in violence or rise above it. It’s always fun to push characters to extremes and see how they react. Jason Fry (“Sharing the Same Face,” based on the episode “Ambush”): I love The Clone Wars because it made already beloved characters even richer and deepened the fascinating lore around the Jedi and the Force.      I chose Yoda and the clones because the moment where Yoda rejects the idea that they’re all identical was one of the first moments in the show where I sat upright and said to myself, “Something amazing is happening here.” You get the entire tragedy of the Clone Wars right in that one quick exchange — the unwise bargain the Jedi have struck, Yoda’s compassion for the soldiers and insistence that they have worth, the clones’ gratitude for that, and how that gratitude is undercut by their powerlessness to avoid the fate that’s been literally hard-wired into them. Plus, though I’ve written a lot of Star Wars tales, I’d never had the chance to get inside Yoda’s head. That had been on my bucket list! Yoon Ha Lee (“The Shadow of Umbara,” based on the episodes “Darkness on Umbara,” “The General,” “Plan of Dissent,” and “Carnage of Krell”): I remember the first time I watched the “Umbara arc” — I was shocked that a war story this emotionally devastating was aired on a kids’ show. But then, kids deserve heartfelt, emotionally devastating stories, too. It was a pleasure to revisit the episodes and figure out how to retell them from Rex’s viewpoint in a compact way. I have so much respect for the original episodes’ writer, Matt Michnovetz — I felt like a butcher myself taking apart the work like this! Rebecca Roanhorse (“Dark Vengeance,” based on the episode “Brothers”): I always love a backstory and Clone Wars was the backstory that then became a rich and exciting story all its own. The writing and character development is outstanding and really sucks you into the world.      I chose to write the two chapters that reintroduce Darth Maul to the world. We find him broken and mentally unstable, not knowing his own name but obsessed with revenge against Obi-Wan and we get to see him rebuild himself into a cruel, calculating, and brilliant villain. It was so much fun to write and I hope readers enjoy it. Anne Ursu (“Pursuit of Peace,” based on the episode “Heroes on Both Sides”): The Clone Wars creates a space for terrific character development. The attention paid to the relationships between Anakin and Obi-Wan, and Anakin and Ahsoka make for really wonderful and resonant stories, and give so much depth to the whole universe.      I was at first a little scared to write Padmé, as her character felt pretty two dimensional to me. But the more I watched her episodes in Clone Wars, the more dimension she took on. She’s such an interesting character — she’s both idealistic and realistic, so when corruption runs rampant in the Senate she doesn’t get disillusioned, she just fights harder. She has an ability to deal with nuance in a way that is rare in the Republic — and it means she’s not afraid to bend a few laws to make things right. In this chapter, the Senate is about to deregulate the banks in order to fund more troops, and Padmé decides to take matters into her own hand and sneak into Separatist territory in order to start peace negotiations. Of course, neither Dooku nor the corrupt clans of the Republic are going to allow for this to happen, so the threats to the peace process, the Republic, and Padmé’s life only grow. This arc is the perfect distillation of Padmé’s character, and it made getting into her head for it fairly simple. But I did watch all the Padmé Clone Wars episodes and read E.K. Johnston’s book about her, as well as Thrawn: Alliances, in which she has a major storyline. I really loved writing her. Star Wars: The Clone Wars – Stories of Light and Dark arrives August 25 and is available for pre-order now.

[talpup]

Erase the Shadow: 18

Summary: Despite sharing dreams with Teris for as long as he can remember, Aizawa Shouta never believed in soulmates.  That was until he met Teris in the real world on his first day at UA.  Trouble is, Teris doesn’t know anything about their shared dreams.  And the one time Shouta tried to tell her, he nearly lost her completely.

Five years after graduating from UA, Shouta still believes Teris is his soulmate.  But things have only gotten worse.  Teris moved to another town shortly after graduation.  And now she’s dating his best friend Yamada Hizashi.

Please remember, this fic is rated explicit and has warnings of sex, violence, and other possible triggers.

***If you prefer reading off AO3 here’s the link for that: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22027552/chapters/56826184

If you enjoyed reading this at all please comment and let me know. Since I post for free, think of it as nice way of leaving a tip.  And since comments are the only thing that encourages me to keep editing and posting, it’s also a benefit for you.

Thank you to those who have left hearts.  And a VERY special thank you to those who have recently left comments or re-blogged. They REALLY mean a lot.

As always, an extra special thank you to @inorganicone2230  for their encouragement and friendship.  Also for them helping plot bunny this story out and proofreading this chapter before its posting.  This fic was my personal guilty pleasure, and without them never be getting posted.

18.1

Hizashi had got his turn again, once Shouta was done with his second round.  But he had been too wired to sleep after. Giving up hope of rest, he had left Teris and Shouta slumbering in each other arms to work on the newest song he was writing; but that had gone down about as successfully as sleeping had.

Ears listening for noise from the bedroom, Hizashi had been unable to concentrate.  He had gotten up at any little sound to check on his girlfriend and best friend, part of him sure that they were going at it.

He shouldn’t have been as protective and jealous as he was.  Teris had accepted Shouta, and agreed to be with the both of them.  There was no going back.  Yet he couldn’t help how he felt.

Of course he blamed Shouta for the continued ill feelings about it all.  Shouta should've asked.  They had been in his bed.  The entire thing had been his reluctant idea. Shouta wouldn’t have lost his damned v-card, let alone be with Teris if it weren’t for him. But instead of checking to see if he was alright with it, Shouta had simply gone again.  The man hadn’t even pulled out from his first time.  Hadn’t even glanced his way to see if he was good with having to wait.

They needed to set some rules and boundaries.  Shouta couldn’t just do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted with Teris.  Not when he was there waiting his turn.  Teris might’ve been their girl now; but she had been his girl first.  That alone should afford him some deference with his best friend.

As the minutes turned to hours Hizashi found himself increasingly on edge.  How long was Shouta going to sleep?  The two needed to talk. How could Shouta sleep when there was so much that needed to be settled?

Eyes once again focusing on the digital clock at the bottom of the screen, Hizashi watched the numbers change.  It would have to do, he thought closing the laptop.  He couldn’t wait any longer.

Four-thirty might’ve been a bit early to wake up on a day off. But it wasn’t like it was four, or two-thirty, or one-forty. Shouta would just have to deal.

Stepping into the bedroom, Hizashi made his way over to the right side of the bed.  It had once been Teris’ side, but he supposed it was now Shouta's.

Would Shouta be wanting to sleep with Teris every night?  Hizashi certainly wasn’t going to give that up.  There was no way he would agree to have his girl every other night.  Or worse, every other week.

That was just another thing he and Shouta had to talk about; though he wasn’t splitting his time with Teris, no matter what his friend wanted.

“Shou.”

On his back, Shouta's head turned, burying deeper into the soft, sweet smelling warmth on his shoulder.  His left arm tightened, pulling and holding the warmth closer.

Hizashi's eyes narrowed, mustache twitching. Damn.  He was really gonna have to work on getting his jealousy buttoned down if this was going to work.

He reached out hand and tapped Shouta's shoulder.  “Shou.  Wake—Ow!  Ow, ow.”

On instinct, Shouta had grabbed the disturbing hand and twisted it.  Seeing Hizashi, he relaxed and released him, head dropping back on the pillow.

“Zashi… Leave me alone.” Shouta's eyes were closed before he even finished speaking; breath deepening as slumber returned.

Hizashi rubbed his wrist, frowning. His friend nearly tore off his arm and that was all he got?  No apology, or are you okay?  Granted Shouta wasn’t one to apologize.  And he was even gruffer when woken up but...

“Get up.  There’s stuff we gotta talk about.”

Shouta cracked an eye opened.  The hand that had grabbed Hizashi’s wrist found Teris’ nestled on his chest and covered it, fingers closing around hers.

“She’s asleep.”  Shouta nuzzled his cheek against the crown of her head, a smile tugging at his lips of its own accord. “As I am.”

“I said we had to talk.  Not the three of us.”  Hizashi’s jaw pulsed.

He looked over his sleeping girlfriend, naked and curled around his best friend.  You agreed to this.  You suggested it. You can do this.  It’s worth it if it means keeping her.

Hizashi turned away from the goading image, voice soft but snippy as he made his way towards the door. “Try not to wake her up when you get outta bed.  She can be a light sleeper.”

Shouta closed his eyes and sighed.  The urge to succumb and go back to sleep was great, especially with Teris’ warm, silken body nested so snugly against his.

He smirked, thinking the events of the night.  How Teris had sounded and felt.  Oh, how she had felt!  His morning wood hardened further at the thought.  He couldn’t wait to be seated deep inside her again.  Surrounded by her tight, silken, wet heat.

He groaned, precum leaking from his twitching cock.

Suddenly the urge to sleep jumped to that of wanting to roll her over and wake her up in the best way he could imagine.  But he didn’t want to presume and upset her, especially on their first full, official day as a couple.  Besides Hizashi was waiting, wanting to talk.

Shouta rubbed the sleep from his eyes and pushed away the thought of early morning sex with his Love.

He and Teris clearly needed to discuss a number of things as well.  Chief among them being if she would be comfortable being fucked awake.  Hizashi had said she could be a light sleeper, so maybe eating her out would be a better, slower wakening.

His mouth pooled with saliva at the thought.  Eyes closing, he breathed deeply remembering the taste and smell of her.  Fingers still wrapped around hers, his hand started to slowly drag hers down his chest to his thrumming need.

No. Shouta stopped himself.  Though he was sure she would be fine with him using her hand, or waking up with him between her legs, he couldn’t just do it.  As well as he knew her, Teris wasn’t aware of just how close the two of them truly were.  He didn’t want her to think he had just presumed, or worse taken what he wanted without care.

He decided to shower first.

Even though he hadn’t crashed here in more than a year and a half, the bag of clothes he kept in Hizashi's guest room closet was still there. The clothes were a bit musty but at least they were clean and without cum stains.

Wet hair dampening his charcoal shirt, Shouta entered the dining area and remarked on the lack of smell.  “No coffee?”

Hizashi gestured to the ticking clock he had impatiently watched while waiting for his friend. “It’s four-fifty in the morning, Man.”

“Exactly.” Shouta gruffed, heading to the kitchen to make a pot.

Hizashi watched him, fingers tapping out a sped-up beat to possibly a new lyric of his song.

Shouta's red, tired eyes had held something Hizashi had rarely seen in them.  A light of happiness.  His chest swelled with a sort of pride at that.  He had done that.  He was the reason his friend was happy. Well Teris was; but it wouldn’t have happened if not for him.

He might have reluctantly suggested sharing as a way to assure keeping his girl.  But having seen his usually down and tired best friend with a happy light in his eyes, Hizashi had to admit that some of the side effects of his decision weren’t all bad.

Shouta was a pro hero and teacher who worked himself ragged. The man gave so much of himself never asking for anything in return. He was the best friend Hizashi could've asked for.  He deserved to have that bit of light shining in his eyes all the time.  He deserved to be happy.

Hizashi's own happiness faltered. It was just a shame that Shouta's happiness came from being with Teris.

“We gotta talk, Man.”

Shouta returned with a black coffee for him and an overly sweetened one for Hizashi.  “You said that already.”

“You can’t just take another turn when I’m there without checkin’ with me.”

Shouta swallowed his irritation and took a seat.  Teris wasn’t some ride that they lined up for.  More than that, Shouta didn’t feel he should have to check with anyone, especially not when Teris had said she wanted to go again.  But he kept his peace and tried to think of it from Hizashi's point of view.  He certainly wouldn’t have liked it if he had been waiting and Hizashi went again without care or question.

“You’re right.”

Hizashi blinked in surprise.  Well that had been easier than expected.

“So, we gotta lay down some ground rules.  Yeah?”

Shouta sat back, running a hand through his hair, and sighed. “Yeah.”

18.2

Teris had woken up in bed alone, and for a brief moment had doubted the night had actually happened.  Then she heard Hizashi talking and even though she couldn’t hear Shouta, she could imagine his low, sedate voice during Hizashi's pauses.  Her guys, she thought with flushed excitement and disbelief.

Getting up she turned on the shower and stepped under the spray as soon as the water warmed.  Eyes closed, she let the hot water soothed her aching muscles.  She could bask in there forever, or at least until the hot water ran out.

Lost in her thoughts she didn’t hear the bathroom door open, or see the person who had entered and undressed.  So when a body slipped in and pressed up behind her, she startled with a squeak.

“Jumpy.”

If she hadn’t instantly known it was Shouta from the feel of his strong chest and gentle, calloused touch, the deep rumble of his voice would’ve confirmed it.

“Some pro hero I am.” She half jested.

Dismissing her critic, Shouta wrapped his arms around her. “There’s no reason for you to be on alert.  Not when you’re home, safe with me.”  He pulled her flush against him and kissed her neck, noting the way her skin prickled.  “What’s the matter, Love?  Water suddenly cold?”

“Tickles.”

“What? This?”  He rubbed his stubbled chin over her shoulder.

“Yes.” She giggled, squirming.

Shouta hummed, smiling softly. “You seemed to like the feel of it well enough last night.”

“I did. I do!  It feels amazing.”

“You’re amazing.”  He murmured, lips brushing her skin.

Her back bumped his chiseled chest.  “You’re a fool.”

“A fool for you.”  Shouta immediately grimaced.

It was something Hizashi would say.  A cheesy line that he would want to roll his eyes at. but refrain; because if he rolled his eyes every time Hizashi said something stupid he’d never see a thing.

Her hands ran over his forearms still locked around her waist. “Shou?”

“Hum?”

“I know what we agreed but…”

Shouta's lips paused on her neck.  His shoulders tensed, breath catching in his throat. Had she changed her mind?

“Are you sure?”

He relaxed, exhaling.

His nose traced a circle around one of the many hickies he had left. “Positive.”  Ignoring Hizashi's, he kissed the marks he had made up to her ear.  “Do you still doubt my feelings for you?”  He pressed his hips against her, letting her feel his hardening cock. “I’d gladly prove my love over and over again.”

It wasn’t that she doubted.  Shouta was a man of his word who would never lie or joke about such a thing as love. It was only that she found it difficult to grasp that the man she had secretly loved since their first year at UA loved wanted her in return.

Rather than say that, she leaned her head back against him.  “Perfection doesn’t need practice, Raven.  And last night, you were…”  She groaned, body responding to the memory.  “Amazing.”

“One can always get better, Kitten. And with as good as I wanna be at pleasing you, I definitely need the practice.”

“Just how much practice are we talking about?”

“Lots, and lots of practice.”

“Lots?” She giggled, at the tickle of his scrapping scruff.

“So much practice.”

“Sounds like a lot of work.”

Shouta hummed in agreement. “I already plan on cutting down my patrol hours to cope.”

She pulled away and turned. “You are?”

He nodded, body chilling at the loss of her despite the steamy air.

There was nothing but clear, serious intent in his eyes and Teris didn’t know if that troubled or assured her.

Shouta stepped to closer. Hot water hit his chest, wandering rivulets trailing down his body.

Teris swallowed, mouth suddenly dry. It took every ounce of self control to hold his gaze and not let her eyes follow those tiny, curving streams.

“Why do you sound so surprised? This—You, are far more important.”

She shook her head.  “I—I’m—”

“Are everything to me.”  He finished for her.

Her self control broke, eyes lowering to take in his wet, naked body.

Shouta let his gaze do the same, cock coming to full hardness and twitching at the sight of her.

She whimpered watching his proud, bobbing dick.  She wanted to touch it.  To touch him.

“Now…” Shouta grinned. “About that practice.”

Teris shivered at his deep, husky rasp.  Her eyes lifted to his.  He was wearing a smile that showed too many teeth and she loved it.  She loved him.  Who was she to deny her Love?

Shouta was on her before she could move, stepping her back till her back was against the shower wall.

She gasped, the tiles cold against her heated skin.  Her hand slid down his defined chest, following the glistening streams of water.  She groaned into his hungry mouth at the first feel of dark, wiry hair that trailed to a far more delightful prize.

Shouta grunted, hips thrusting at the first touch of her hand on his thrumming cock.

Her hand closed, fingers unable to meet around his thickness. She could feel him throb in her hold and groaned, remembering how he felt inside her.

Shouta's hands smoothed around her waist and down to her ass.  Groping a cheek in each hand he pulled her up, pressing in against her.

“I want you.”

“I want you too.”  She breathed.

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes.” She said, without hesitance.

“Then trust I won’t drop you.”

Before she could gather what he meant, she was lifted up.

Teris yipped, arms and legs clapping around him.

Face against the side of her head, Shouta soothed. “It’s alright, Kitten.  I got you.  I won’t let you go.  I’ll never let you go.”

Her hold eased, body rolling at the hard, hot feel of him.  “Shou…  Please. I need you, Raven.”

Shouta groaned.  How long had he waited to hear her say those words in the waking world?

“It’s alright, Ris. I’m right here.  I got just what you need.”

She squeaked when one of his hands let go, but his hold remained strong and sure.

“I told you I got you.”  He smirked.

Damn, she thought. No one had the right to look that confident and hot.  Arms around his neck, she pulled him to her.  Her tongue swiped between his lips, teasing his out.

Shouta’s foot slipped.

He widened his stance, shifting Teris and their center of gravity.  What the hell was he thinking? He couldn’t have against the wall shower sex on his third time ever. Rationally speaking, he should at least have regular wall sex first just to be sure he could keep his legs.  But from the moment he had walked in, he had been far from thinking rationally. He just hoped he didn’t crack his head open.

The head of his cock pushed in, splitting her wide.

Teris’ nails dug into his shoulders.

Shouta grunted, finding it not as easy as to sheath himself as it had been the first time.  His hips pumped and pulled back, slowly rocking his weeping dick into her tight heat till he was firmly seated in place.

Teris groaned, face buried in his neck.  How was it that he felt even bigger than last night?

“Look at me, Kitten.”

Her head lifted, eyes searching his.

“So beautiful.”  He kissed her and rested his forehead against hers.  “You ready?”

She nodded.

“Words, Ris.  Let me hear you.”

“Yes. Please, Shouta.  I want you.”  Her hands tugged at his neck.

Shouta gave a testing thrust, pleased when his feet held firm.

“You and I are gonna have to talk about what you’re comfortable with.” He said, driving into her at a firm, sedate pace.

“Wha--” She moaned, head rolling when he found the spot within her.

Shouta hummed, pleased with how quickly he had hit it.  “I wanted breakfast in bed.”

“What?” Her brow furrowed in pleasure and attempted concentration.

“Can I eat you awake, Kitten?”

Her half lidded eyes widened.

He bit back a curse at the way she tightened around him.  While he loved knowing the full effect such a thought had on her; maybe now wasn’t the best time to bring it up, not if he hoped to last.

Even so, he couldn't help but taunt.  “Would you like that?  To wake-up with my mouth on that pretty pussy of yours?  Tongue lapping up your sweet juices, or driven deep into your hot little hole.  Lips wrapped around your clit, sucking and licking that perfect little bundle of nerves till you leave a pool of slick--”

“Shouta!”

He chuckled at her shivered moan.  “Your body seems to like the idea.  But I need to hear it from you, Kitten.  Tell me.  Would you like that?”

“Yes.” She panted, hips rolling to meet his.  “Yes!”  Her fingers raked up the back of his neck to his scalp, clutching a fistful of hair.

Shouta hissed, hips and feet staggering at the electrifying sensation.

Teris smiled knowingly, and gave another tug.

Her wicked grin wasn’t missed by Shouta who gave the back of her thigh a slap that echoed in the confined space. “Little Minx.”

She yelped more out of surprise than from the light sting. “You seem to know all my spots.  Why can’t I abuse the few of yours I’ve discovered?”

You know more than a few, he thought.  You know them all, just like you knew to call me Raven.  It’s in there, Teris. You just have to remember it.

“You want abuse do you?”  He gave a sharp thrust, the sound of wet skin hitting loud within the shower stall. “How about I abuse that pretty pussy of yours and nail you to the wall?”

“Fuck!” She hugged his neck.  “Yes!”

“Where’s your manners, Kitten.  Say, please.”

“Please! Please, Master.  Fuck me!”

Shouta's cock thrummed at the name.

“Fuck!” His hips slammed against hers, hand diving between them.  “Master’s got you, Kitty Cat.” His thumb pressed against her clit, rubbing tight circles.

Her back arched, toes curling.  “Shou!”

“You take my cock so well.”

“I love…”

“What do you love, Kitten?”

“You. I love you.”

“I love you, Teris. So much.” Shouta kissed her but had to pull away to breath.

Her nails sunk deep into his shoulders as his thumb and rutting cock drove her ever closer to her peak.

Shouta hissed at the pleasured pain, taught muscles rolling and jerking.

“Kitten has claws.”  He lifted her up, dropping and splitting her open on his thick dick. “Maybe you’re not my good little house cat after all.” He bit her neck, sucking a fresh claiming mark. “Are you a naughty little alley cat that needs to be taught and tamed?  Want me to put a on collar you and punish you when you’re bad?  Fed you my milk and have you sit on me, warming my cock till that tight little pussy forgets what it feels like to be empty of me.”

Shouta wasn’t one to babble, but he was doing so now.  He was so use to them taking each other through when they got themselves off in their shared dreams that doing so now felt natural.  Only in the real world with the actual feel and taste of her, the words tumbled from his mouth without thought.

It was frenetic.  Something he couldn’t have stopped if he tried.  But from the way her silken walls quivered and clenched around him, she liked it too.

Then again, why wouldn’t she? She was the same Teris from their dreams.  And in there she not only loved it when he talked to her like that, she talked right back.  If only she could remember.  Why wouldn’t she remember?

“Tell me what you want, Ris.”

Her breath was heavy and panted.  “You!  I want you, Raven.  Please.  Please, Shouta!”

“Please what, Kitty Cat?”  He pressed harder against her clit.

She screamed out, the sound beautiful to his ears.

“Tell me what you want.”

“Harder. Fuck me harder, Shou. Fill me up with your cum.  Please, Master!  Please!  Give me your milk.  I need you’re—ah!”

“Shi—it!” Shouta cussed and did just that.

He gave two hard thrusts that knocked the air out of her, then unloaded into her quivering cunt.

If Teris’ coil hadn’t snapped seconds before, the feel of his pulsing dick spitting thick, hot ropes of cum would've set her off.

Shouta grunted, hips pushing him deeper and deeper as the last of his milky seed pumped out, painting her walls.

Face buried into his neck, Teris licked and kissed in between heavy pants and spent moans.

As badly as Shouta wanted to stay in her, he had to set her down.  His orgasm had hit him so fast and hard it left him weak and trembling.  He would get better he told himself, pressing against her to hold them both upright against the wall.  He would practice with her, and his control would get to the point that he could make her lose complete control.

He smiled, chest warming with possessive pride as he took note of the new marks littering her neck and chest.  He would have to get better at controlling that too, and before school started. Unless she let him teach her how to use his capture weapon…

“Breakfast is ready if you two are done getting dirty while getting clean?”  Hizashi poked his head through the door.

Shouta swallowed his annoyance at the disturbance.  After all it had been Hizashi who suggested he come fetch Teris and take his time about it.

Teris shut off the water.

Shouta stepped out, wrapping a towel around his waist and handing Teris one.

Hizashi watched them, noticing the fresh marks on his girl. There was a definite weight of jealousy but it wasn’t so bad that he couldn’t cope.  He wasn’t exactly happy with how loud Teris had been during the obvious sex she and Shouta had had. But if didn’t burn as badly as he had thought it would. Besides, it would help prove to Teris that he was really okay with sharing, and earn him some goodwill with Shouta.

He moved to her, kissing her damp brow.  “Rested and refreshed, Baby?”

She pulled on one of Hizashi’s many band tee’s and gave him a pecking kiss in return. “I slept well.”

“I bet you did, Sweetness.  Shou and I tuckered you out good.”

She ignored the heated flush of her cheeks. “When did you get up?”

Hizashi waved her off. “You know me, Wren. I keep worse hours than you and Shou combined.  So what do you think?”

She began towel drying her hair. “About what? Breakfast? Yeah.  I’m starving.”

“No, Babe. About moving.”

The towel dropped. “Moving?”

Hizashi looked at Shouta.  “You didn’t tell her?”

Shouta let his dripping hair curtain him off from his friend's accusing gaze. “Did get a chance.”

“Yet you had enough time to--”  Hizashi stopped and took a breath.

Calm. He had to stay calm.  He was the one who sent Shouta in here after all.  Sure he had told Shouta to take his time; but he had also told the man to tell Teris about their decision to move.  He had thought she would take it better from Shouta, especially if was followed by sex.

“Zashi.” Teris prodded, looking between the two men.

“You wanna live with Shouta too, right Baby?”

A part of Hizashi hoped she’d say no, or want to slow things down.  Just because they were sharing didn’t mean that she had to accept Shouta to the level that she did him.  They had been dating for two years before she moved in with him.  It would only be fair if she made Shouta wait just as long.

“Yes.” She mumbled, still guilt and unsure about it all.

“Ris! Don’t sound so sorry, Babe! What did I tell ya last night?”

Maybe it was better coming from him, Hizashi thought.  It would help prove to her that he truly was fine with this and didn’t hold it against her.  And since actions, even if they were acted, often effected thoughts, maybe it would help him feel truly fine with it.

Shouta stepped to her.  “Are you sure?  I don’t want you to feel pressured.”

He says after agreeing to the move and talking about possible places, Hizashi thought.

Teris smiled, placing a hand on Shouta’s bare chest. “You’d never make me feel pressured.”

Hizashi sniffed and looked away.  She hadn’t meant it as a dig against him, but he felt a piercing prickle at the statement nonetheless.

So what if he pressured her from time to time, he thought. It wasn’t as if she didn’t end up enjoying whatever it was eventually.

“But… Where would we move?”  Teris wondered, looking back at Hizashi.

“I had an idea about that.” Hizashi grabbed the hand she had on Shouta and pulled her to him. “What d’ya say we build a place?”

“Build!” Teris balked.

Shouta shook his head, picking up his still damp shirt from his earlier shower. “I’m not doing that.  Too much time and effort.  I told you.  I don’t care where or how much so long as we’re settled in before the new school year, and it’s not too far from UA or my or Teris’ patrol route.”

Hizashi had to admit Shouta had a point about wanting to be close to work.  And if they built they’d have to move further out of the city center to find a suitable property.  He didn’t want to be that far from the party scene.

“I care very much how much!”  Teris stressed looking between the two.

She wasn’t some celebrity pro hero like Hizashi who had paid gigs and merchandise sales.  Nor was she able to call on funds from her family or some trust like Shouta.  Most of the pay she got still went to others who needed it far more than she did.  The only reason she let Hizashi talk her into letting him cover all of the rent here was because the little pay that she did keep was needed to secure new CI’s.

“How about an old warehouse between your patrol routes and the station?”  Hizashi asked the other man, thinking it’d be nice to be able to walk, instead of drive home after signing off the air.

“Warehouse?” Teris echoed thinking about the cost.

Eyebrows furrowed, Shouta stuffed his arms through his shirt. “Too big.”

“We don’t hav’ta use the entire space.  In fact, we could leave the ground floor pretty much untouched and turn it into a training ground.”  Hizashi tempted.

Shouta halted, shirt gathered to pull over his head.

Hizashi saw the mans eyes brighten at the prospect. Gotcha, he thought.  “I’ll look around and work up some plans.  Yeah.”

Shouta pulled the shirt over head and grumbled. “I don’t want to have to mess with designing a layout.”

“I said I’ll look around and work up some plans.”

“Also don’t wanna have to pick stuff out. So long as the bed and sofa are big enough and comfortable I don’t care.”

Hizashi snapped, shooting fingers guns at his friend. “Good thing I’m awesome at details and decor.”

Shouta wrinkled his nose.  “Nothing too out there.  And don’t go crazy with the colors.”

Hizashi rolled his eyes.  He had seen Shouta's place.  The complex was run down and downright scary at night.  The apartment itself not much better.  While the sofa had been top notch, with good quality leather and plush, comfortable cushions; everything else had been plain and cheap.  Not that there had been much else inside. Just the sofa, coffee table, a table and two chairs.  He hadn’t gone into the bedroom; but assumed it was the same bare bones furnishing with no decor.

“Anything else?”  Hizashi asked.

Shouta started to shake his head then stopped.  “No slip tiles in the shower.”

Hizashi forced his smile to remain.  “You had that problem too, huh?  I have a bath mat for that, but the cleaning lady always forgets to put it back down.”

Shouta looked away, telling himself that he didn’t care so long as he got to be with Teris.

“Oh.” He turned back. “And a separate bedroom.”

“Of course!  You and I will get our own room and huge one for us to share with our girl.”

Still reeling from all of this, Teris finally spoke up. “Where’s my room?”

“What do you mean, Babe?”

Shouta wondered the same.  When he had said separate room he had meant one specifically for just him and Teris.  He knew that they would probably be spending most nights in the same big room, with Teris sandwiched between him and Hizashi.  But on the nights when Hizashi had to work late or was away, he wanted a room that she and him could share without the memory of Hizashi being in it and over her.  It wouldn’t be his room, as Hizashi had put it.  It would be his and Teris’ room.  But here she was asking for a room of her own, separate from him?  Why would she want that?

“Baby, you’re gonna have the biggest room in the house!  It’s gonna have a big ol’ bed where Shou and I will rock your world each night and—”

“That’s our bedroom. You and Shouta get a room.  A place to breathe and be away—”

Hizashi looked positively wounded.  “You wanna be away from us?”

Teris shook her head.  “That’s—”

“You’re already planning on us arguing and needin’ some space?  You never needed space when it was just us.  Or did you and simply never said?”

“Zashi. That’s not what I—”

“Did I do something wrong, Baby?  Why do ya wanna be away from me?” Hizashi swallowed his growing worry, jaw clenching.

First he hadn’t been enough, and she wanted Shouta.  Now she wanted her own space away from him.  Was he still going to lose her?  Even after everything he had done.

“Let her speak, Zashi.”

Though Shouta was slightly hurt by her words, he was calm and watchful enough to see that they might've misunderstood.  At least he hoped they had.  He had been forced to spend years away from her after finding out that she was actually real. Now that they were finally together, he didn’t want to spend a single night without her.  It would be like it had been when they had shared dreams on a nightly bases, only better cause here they could touch.

Teris smiled her thanks at Shouta. “I’m not asking for a separate bedroom.  Just a separate space to work and call my own.”

She didn’t see the big deal.  She had one here.  While most of her time spent in the small office was when Hizashi was out or away for work, it was still hers.  Filled with furniture she had bought and brought with her in the move.  As wonderful as it was living with Hizashi, after years of living on her own, she needed something to call her own.  Especially when Hizashi insisted on paying for everything.

Shouta's chest lightened.  She didn’t want a place to rest away from him. She just wanted a space to breath and be alone for a bit.  He could understand that.  He had claimed a storage closet at UA for that very same reason. Sure he had his classroom; but even when it was empty of students there was usually someone knocking or bursting in to bother him.

Teris looked at the two men.  Her guys.  Why would they think she’d want a separate bedroom? Hizashi who she had spent two years in a long distance relationship with.  The two of them had talked on the phone each night wishing that they could touch and hold each other instead of a small, hard unforgiving device. Shouta who she had spend years wanting and pinning over.  Even now her fingers twitched wanting to feel him.  Body burned wanting to be against him.  She didn’t want to spend a single night without either of them.  She loved them.

Hizashi's lips twitched.  So she wanted a space like the office she had claimed.  He wasn’t entirely happy with that; but seeing as Shouta was fine with the idea, there wasn’t much he could say against it.  It wasn’t as if she spent much time in there, he consoled himself. Still, with him now having to share her with Shouta, he didn’t like the idea of her sharing her time with anyone else, even if that person was herself.

[diveronarpg]

Congratulations, JULIE! You’ve been accepted for the role of TAMORA. Admin Rosey: Trinity is one of the characters that I had the most fun writing -- she very much evolved from my initial concept with her and has grown into this very independent entity that needs someone just as strong as she is to portray her. Writing her isn’t an easy task, nor is capturing the nuances of her character while maintaining a circumspect view of who she has the potential to become. Julie, I honestly don’t know how, but you managed to do all that and more. Trinity is very much welcome to step on all of Verona’s neck. Please read over the checklist and send in your blog within 24 hours.

WELCOME TO THE MOB.

Out of Character

Alias | Julie

Age | 19

Preferred Pronouns | She/her/hers

Activity Level | 6/10, I think, with replies coming every other day - we can only hope.

Timezone | MST

Current/Past RP Accounts | Santino + Loretta

In Character

Character | Tamora / Trinity Zakarian

What drew you to this character? | Am I allowed to say everything? From her past, her present, to her potential future, I think everything about Trinity just absolutely fascinates me. The deliberate choices she has to make in her every day life just to walk among other people and be perceived as what she wants them to see is so interesting. It’s not necessarily just a woman performing for a nonexistent audience repeatedly because she feels she has to. It’s more of someone who could be perceived as almost otherworldly performing for an audience that is watching her, at all times. Trinity pulls the strings to her own marionette and is fully aware of that.

There’s always some sort of purpose behind what she does: she smiles half an inch wider because she knows that people will find the way it tugs at the line of her face more familiar. She stands with her spine rimrod straight because that’s what comforted her mother most when she looked at Trinity like she was some sort of animal in her own home. She stabs her wife thirteen times in the chest because she knows it will allow for a shallow mockery of the last few moments she had with her son. Verona is a city full of Gods, people worth revering, and Trinity chooses not to worship them time and time again. She has no feelings of reverence towards Cosimo, or Damiano, or even Fortinbras, even if he’s the one who originally brought her here, and if she ever were to feel that way, she’d choose to stamp them out under her heel.

There’s also the matter of this concept of warmth and humanity that Trinity feels is fully out of reach for her. She’s tried time and time again to connect in the way other people can and just can’t; she got a glimpse out of the corner of her eye, for some time. Maybe she held it in her hands for a little while before dropping it when she gave birth to her son. What happened to Alyosha is tragic, without a doubt, and it hurts my heart just to think about it. I think Trinity’s played those last few moments over and over in her head to see if she can pin down the exact moment she went from a woman to a corpse all over again. I think it’s interesting that Trinity knows wires have crossed at some point which shouldn’t have been crossed, and something that’s not supposed to be firing is sparking anyways. She’s sought out human connection over and over, and it seems to slip between her fingers every time. I’d love to explore that more thoroughly.

What is a future plot idea you have in mind for the character? | 

LET THIS WASP NOT OUTLIVE, US BOTH TO STING: Trinity's good at hiding; that much is obvious. She can mask even the ugliest of emotions with relative ease; making people think she's something she's not isn't a difficult feat. In Titus Andronicus, Queen Tamora bides her time by marrying Saturninus to save her own skin and get revenge. In sort of the same vein, I can see Tamora either going undercover in the Capulets somehow or forming a relationship of some kind with one of them to provide leverage over the Capulets for the Montagues. She's only just re-arrived in Verona, but like her bio says, her roots already run deep into the soil by the time February’s arrived. She's got nothing to lose and plenty to gain; donning a veil of warmth and affection towards a Capulet for whatever they'll give her in return could go far. And if she ends up reaching into their chest to claim their heart for her own, all the better: she craves warmth like roses crave the sun in the heat of summer.

TITUS, I AM INCORPORATE IN ROME, A ROMAN NOW ADOPTED HAPPILY: Faron brought Trinity to Verona with a purpose, and that purpose in my mind was likely to use her actions to vault himself to a position of power. But Faron is dead, and any motivations for his relationship with Trinity are buried with him. She can't speak with the dead, as much as she wishes she could some nights, if only to hear her son's voice. She has no skill in divining the future. This really depends on the direction of the game and what the other players on the table, but in the hands of Gertrude, Antony, Laertes, or even Romeo, I feel she has the potential to help turn the tides for the Montagues in the same way she did for Faron. There’s no love lost between Fortinbras and Tamora—give her the opportunity to claim what she wishes, and she’ll bark for someone as much as she’ll bite.

THRICE NOBLE TITUS, SPARE MY FIRST BORN SON: This one is a little far out there, so please bear the fuck with me. Trinity, if she were to ever discover just what Vivianne did to her own son (who, keep in mind, when abandoned was the same age as Alyosha when he died), would set her sights on Vivianne and wouldn't stop until she felt satisfied. Whether that means Vivianne's death, or throwing a big enough wrench into her plans that she falters in the face of Cosimo, Trinity's willing to take whatever opportunities are presented to her. This sort of goes in-hand with wanting to explore just how deeply Alyosha's death has impacted her; I don't think Trinity's ever looked it head-on in the mirror, and confronting Vivianne might finally give her the chance to see in herself what everyone else has over the course of the last year and a half.

Are you comfortable with killing off your character? | Let her reunite with the one person she truly cared about :)

In Depth

In-Character Para Sample:

TW FOR MURDER

The claiming of Hotel Emelia is a droll affair, in much the same way she’d expected it to be. It’s also a quick one: from the time she and Ronan are approaching the front desk to waiting patiently for the elevator to reach the top floor and look for those who might remain, it takes twenty minutes. Maybe half an hour. The elevator lets out a soft ding to indicate it’s reached its final destination.

There are only two guests on this floor, but it doesn’t stop Trinity from reveling in the way the attendant shakes as she unlocks each and every door with the master key. They all creak open, slowly, to reveal nothing but a dark room and some neatly-made beds. Ronan’s shaking with barely-restrained excitement and impatience by the time they reach the end of the hall.

“You want to get done, Richard. You have plan, after this, hm? Usually you go slow.” she asks, as the woman with SOFIA on her name-tag trembles so much she nearly drops the key. Trinity watches as Ronan presses the end of his M22 closer to her spine, harshly enough to make her jump.

“I’ve got some house calls to make, Tamora,” he tells her, like that explains why he’s rushing through this with a near primordial if not sadistic focus. It doesn’t matter. He’s a bizarre specimen, even among the Montagues, same as she -- it’s why they’re the perfect pair for this sort of task. The door clicks open. This room is not empty like the others; the lamp on the desk is on, and the shower is running in the bathroom. 

She looks over her shoulder: “I’ll take it. You can cut chaff from rest of wheat. Be good.” When she shoots him a pointed look, he shrugs, but chooses not to say a word. Wise of him.

She enters the room, closes the door behind her. It makes a sound close to a whisper when it thuds shut, and it’s only when Trinity can hear Ronan limping away with the clerk’s tapping footsteps just ahead that she proceeds. With one hand she reaches for her knife, and the other for the bathroom handle. It opens, she’s pleased to discover. Steam rushes past her as she encroaches further.

Whoever it is in the shower, they’ve got their back turned towards the spray, a hand running through their hair. She reaches out, black painted nails grasping the shower curtain -- and smiles in outright delight when the man behind it screams loudly enough to be heard for miles.

The first time she’d ended someone’s life with a knife and nothing more, Trinity’d been shocked to discover just how easy it was. There had been no resistance. By now, it’s almost mundane, like chopping vegetables for a stew. One after the other, right into the pot.

Rivulets of red run down her arms, stain the front of her vest, and all the man does is watch in mixed terror and confusion. It’s close to what she wants, but not quite enough. She wants fear. Terror. Downright horror. Oftentimes when an individual is stabbed it feels like being punched, before the sympathetic nervous system starts doing its proper work. There are maybe a blissful thirty seconds of confounded gasping, pleading, and scrabbling to pull her hands away from him before he drops like a sack of bricks. This nameless creature, whoever he is, whatever he did? He dies gasping on the floor of the too-small shower. His blood is still warm, at first. but it’s soon cooled by the running shower. It’s as disheartening a realization when she sees the shower has aided in removing most of it from her hands, too.

She watches the rest run down the drain, and then steps out and leaves him there. Any mark of what she’s done is, for the most part, washed clean before it had the chance to stain. She gives herself a passing glance in the mirror. Raises one corner of the mouth, then the other, and smiles at herself with all her teeth. It’s like looking at a stranger and her closest friend all at once, her eyes lit up like the stars. Smile for the cameras.

Ronan is waiting for her in the hall, the clerk next to him, tapping out a text to Damiano - she can only assume. If she’s right, it will read something like food is waiting on your desk. Some foolish, stupid little signal.

She nods at Sofia, clearing her throat. Ronan glances up, turns the phone off, slips it into his pocket. “What are we doing with her?”

“Her?” He’s already looking away. Wonderful.

When Trinity steps closer, the young woman shakes like a leaf. It worsens when she raises her hand and smears whatever remains of the man’s blood over her mouth — it ruins whatever lip gloss Sofia's chosen to wear for her shift that night, without a doubt. For a moment, Trinity wonders if she’s going to vomit. She smiles, and reaches back to wind her her fingers through Sofia’s blond hair. It’s dirty-gold in hue. She’s sure it shines under the sun, but in the overhead lighting of the Emelia, it looks dull. Flat.

Sacha’s had been so light it’d been close to silver. Trinity can remember the way her wife had purred whenever she’d played with it, even when it was something as simple as fingertips ghosting over her scalp. She presses her mouth into a thin line before speaking with some resignation. “You did very good, solnyshko.”

“You don’t have to do this,” Sofia whispers, staring at Trinity with eyes wide. Like a doe. Not a doe. A fawn might be better.

“I do,” Trinity replies, and the woman lets out a pitiful wail in response.

“You don’t have to do this, please, I have a daughter, my husband, a family, I only just got hired, I won’t tell a soul-” she’s quivering with it, and when she collapses to the floor and grabs at Trinity’s legs to plead, her hands cold and clammy, Tamora goes with her. There they sit, on their knees together: Sofia, sobbing, mouth wide open in resigned terror. Trinity, watching, waiting, feeling the thundering rhythm of her pulse as it quickens. So close to warmth. Just a few seconds away.

So did I, Trinity thinks. “You are... loose end,” she murmurs instead. The way she slits Sofia’s throat is precise. It’s over before the woman can cry out. Sofia’s weight becomes exponentially heavier, as she collapses to the side, with red running deep across her throat and staining the lavish green floors. Trinity ends up yanking out a clump of hair from her scalp as she goes.

She’s still plucking the strands from beneath her fingernails when they re-enter the elevator at the end of the hall, knowing the bodies will be swept away before anyone can so much as bat an eye. No one will wonder where the three on the top floor of Hotel Emelia went; if anyone asks, they’ll be quickly silenced.

 Ronan presses the button to take them back to the lobby, tapping his better foot in time with a silent beat. She smiles at him in thanks.

“You’ve got something on your teeth,” he says, brow furrowed.

She grins wider: A quarter of a centimeter, canines bared, swipes at the corner of her mouth with her pinky finger. Lipstick comes away, smeared dark against her skin. The elevator dings. “I know.”

Extras: 

Some thoughts:

The Zakarian family has their fingers in every pie imaginable, thanks to the reputation that protects them, but it was Sacha, Trinity’s wife, that had the closest affiliation with mob business in St. Petersburg. Over the fifteen year period of their marriage (they married young, and in-love, when Trinity was only twenty-two), Trinity danced with the best and worst of them: she knows plenty of members in the Russian mob, and considers them to be her closest allies, rather than the Montagues. When Sacha and Alyosha were so tragically killed, it was the Russian mob that paid for the funeral, with the Zakarians throwing some money at the problem to stem suspicion. She’s even somewhat familiar with Boris, even if he’s not from St. Petersburg.

Shortly before Faron’s death, on the fifth of November, she departed from Verona to visit Alyosha’s grave for the anniversary of his death. She didn’t return to Verona until the twenty-second, and missed Faron’s funeral. She still commit to the tradition of wearing dark colors for forty days and forty nights, however, and visits his grave semi-frequently. She’s not even sure why: she had no care for the man, and in the end, believes he faltered in his goals due to avarice and selfishness.

Her first language is Armenian, her second is Russian, her third English, and her fourth is Italian. She’s got a peculiar accent, but for the most part, she’s used to speaking Russian. Adjusting to Italian in Verona has been strange, although she’s not necessarily a woman of few words.

She’s been relatively-hands off when it comes to business dealings in the public eye since the death of her family. Her brother, Artur, has stepped up to the plate to ensure things are running smoothly. She trusts him enough not to make a mess of it, but I’m thinking maybe she sets up camp somehow in Hotel Emelia to ensure it stays in the hands of the Montagues.

I’ve got a playlist, and a pinboard.

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

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SparkNotes remains a crucial tool for text comprehension — full of study guides and supplemental resources on english literature, philosophy, poetry, and more. But over the past two years it’s also become a source of some of the internet’s most quick-witted, thought-provoking, and ambitious memes.

SparkNotes' Twitter and Instagram accounts have carved a unique niche for themselves online by posting literary memes that find perfect parallels  between classic works like Macbeth, The Great Gatsby, Lord of the Flies, and Frankenstein, and present-day pop culture favorites like The Office, Parks and Rec, and more.

It may come as a surprise to those who once frequented the site for the sole purpose of better understanding Shakespeare plays before a final exam or catching up on assigned chapters of The Catcher in the Rye before the bell rang, but SparkNotes is cool now, and absolutely killing the social media game.

SEE ALSO: The magic of Book Fairies

As someone who spends the majority of her workday on the internet and splits her leisure time almost exclusively between reading books and re-watching episodes of The Office, I fell in love with the account's near-perfect meme execution after mere minutes of scrolling through posts. 

In a world with so many bad brand tweets and tone-deaf memes, I felt compelled to seek out the well-read meme masters behind SparkNotes' social media to learn how it is they manage to make each and every post so good.

How SparkNotes' social media became LIT ✨📚

Chelsea Aaron, a 31-year-old senior editor for SparkNotes, is a huge part of the success. She started managing the site's Instagram in September 2017, and her meme approach has helped the account grow from 5,000 to 134,000 followers.

"When I first started managing the account, I tried a bunch of different things," Aaron explained in an email. "I ran illustrations and original content from our blog, and I also borrowed memes from our Twitter ... The memes seemed to get the most likes, so I started making and posting those on a regular basis, and now I try to do four to five per week."

Image: screengrab / Instagram

Aaron discovered the account's recipe for success by not only making memes about some of SparkNotes' most popular, highly searched guides — which include Shakespeare's plays, The Great Gatsby, and Pride and Prejudice — but by mashing them together with a few modern television shows that she's personally passionate about, such as The Office, Parks and Rec, Arrested Development, and John Mulaney's comedy specials. She's also known for hilariously retelling entire works (SparkNotes style, so, abridged versions) using the account's Highlight feature.

Image: screengrab / instagram

The brilliantly sharp, comical posts seem effortless, but Aaron explained the process takes some serious concentration. Essentially, she stares at a large collection of collected screenshots "in a state of panic" until an idea strikes. "It's wildly inefficient and incredibly stressful, but I haven't figured out another way to do it," she admitted.

Luckily, Aaron always has the SparkNotes Twitter account to turn to for inspiration, which is managed by Courtney Gorter, a 26-year-old consulting writer for SparkNotes who Aaron calls "a comedic genius."

Gorter has been managing the Twitter account for about a year and a half now, and joined the SparkNotes team because she utilized its resources growing up and wanted to help "make classic literature feel accessible" to others.

"I wanted this stuff to seem slightly more fun (or, at the very least, less intimidating) to the average stressed-out student who's just trying to read fifty pages by tomorrow and also has a quiz on Friday," she said. The memes definitely help her achieve that goal.

Scrolling through the SparkNotes Instagram account, you notice it generally uses a recurring but reliably satisfying meme format. Most of the posts consist of a white block filled with introductory text and a screenshot from a television show, like so.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by SparkNotes Official (@sparknotes_) on Apr 16, 2019 at 10:25am PDT

Gorter, on the other hand, ensures the Twitter account showcases a far more widespread representation of the internet. She posts everything from out-of-context screenshots, GIFs, and videos, to altered headlines from The Onion and trending meme formats of the moment, like "in this house" memes, "nobody vs me" memes, and more. The account is full of variety and gloriously unpredictable.

Hades: Orpheus I’ll let you bring your wife back from the Underworld, but if you turn and look behind you she’ll be lost to you forever. Orpheus: pic.twitter.com/FWD9P2nO0m

— SparkNotes (@SparkNotes) April 16, 2019

Normal heart rate: /\⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ /\ _ / \ __/\__ / \ _ \/⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ \/ The old man you just killed, whose heart lies hidden beneath the floorboards yet continues to beat: ⠀/\⠀ /\⠀ /\ _/ \ /\_/ \ /\_/ \ /\_ ⠀ \/⠀⠀ \/⠀⠀ \/

— SparkNotes (@SparkNotes) April 12, 2019

Gorter, who describes herself as "constantly on the internet" feels a lot of her ideas are the result of "cultural osmosis ... our collective tendency to consume references and jokes without realizing it just by being on the internet a lot."

"Sometimes I’ll be reading a book, and I’ll remember a joke I saw earlier that fits. Sometimes a new meme format will crop up over the weekend, and I’ll think, 'That could work for Macbeth,'" she said.

Though the two accounts are clearly distinct from one another, they both give off the same hip English teacher energy and running them has become a truly collaborative effort. "I constantly send her [Gorter] emails asking stuff like, 'Can I still say 'big mood' or is that over?' and 'What's the deal with this whole 'wired vs tired' thing?'" Aaron said.

Together, the two women spend their days discussing iconic works of literature, making pop culture references, and keeping up with the latest memes. (A dream job.) Their separate styles fuse together to make each other's posts the best they can be.

The meme approach works wonders

One might not initially think that Boo Radley and John Mulaney have much in common, or that Michael Scott could effortlessly embody Romeo, Julius Caesar, and Holden Caulfield if you simply alter your perspective. I certainly did not. 

But Aaron and Gorter's work will convince you. Once you start merging the worlds of classic literature and modern television series, you won't want to stop.

The SparkNotes instagram is my favorite thing pic.twitter.com/FCc6sXjJly

— Jessie Martin (@jessie_martin97) March 29, 2019

Fun fact, the official Sparknotes Instagram account is probably the best one: pic.twitter.com/sIR6tsw7ZP

— Tommy (@tommy_jacobs92) February 28, 2019

When describing why the posts work so well, Aaron explained that Hamlet, Mr. Darcy, and Gatsby — three of her favorite characters to meme — have super relatable personalities, which makes the process so simple.

"They're dramatic, and awkward, and obsessive, which makes them identical to about 97% of the people on The Office," she said. "I've learned that you can use Michael Scott as a stand-in for pretty much any classic lit character, and it isn't even hard. (That's what she said)."

What wow the @SparkNotes Twitter is extremely good???? It all appears to be this good!!! https://t.co/PyEqTdQ3Ly

— Rachel Kelly 🥛 (@wholemilk) May 2, 2019

Why is @SparkNotes's Twitter so good it has no right to be this good https://t.co/eFBQpLMpe3

— Kelsey [Version 2019.05] (@flusteredkels) May 2, 2019

Gorter thinks the accounts are so appealing because they create a deep sense of community — an online space that isn't so isolating, rather a place where where bibliophiles, television enthusiasts, and meme lovers can all come together and geek the hell out. There's really something for everyone.

"When Steve Rogers said, 'I understood that reference,' I felt that deeply. I think people enjoy being in on a joke, especially when the source material (classic literature, for instance) isn’t particularly hilarious," Gorter said. "There’s a delicious juxtaposition there. I know that I personally get a secret little thrill when I understand something as contextually layered as a really niche meme, and a slight sense of frustration when I don’t."

Engaging followers and changing with the times

SparkNotes as a whole has come a long way since it was launched as TheSpark.com by a group of Harvard students in 1999.

What started out as a budding web-based dating service quickly transformed into a trusted library of online study materials, and over the years, as the publishing industry, technology, and the internet evolved, so did SparkNotes. 

Like the social media accounts, SparkNotes'  SparkLife blog — full of quizzes, artwork, rankings, advice, and trendy posts like "How To Break Up With Someone, According To Shakespeare" and "Snapchats From Every Literary Movement" —  perfectly encapsulates the site's commitment to catering to its audience.

Whoever runs the Sparknotes twitter and Instagram pages deserves a raise

— louise🌻 (@_Fallxn_) February 21, 2019

SparkNotes does a remarkable job of shifting with the times to stay relevant and interesting in the eyes of its readers — and the quest to balance fun and education really seems to be paying off. Recently, the Instagram account tested out a post that called upon students and teachers to request custom-made memes by reaching out via email with the title of a book or subject they want meme'd, along with a message for the intended recipient.

"The response was amazing!" Aaron said. "We got almost 250 emails, and it's so great to see the genuine affection and admiration that teachers have for their students, and vice versa." 

Thanks to the social media accounts, SparkNotes is not only helping students learn, but helping entire classrooms bond with their teachers. (And hopefully teaching educators who follow a thing or two about good memes.)

Print isn't dead, it's just getting some help from the internet

Aaron and Gorter are having a blast running the accounts, but ultimately, they hope their lighthearted posts will inspire people to pick up a book and read.

"I hope what our followers take away from this is that classic literature doesn’t have to be totally dry," Gorter said. "If our memes encourage our followers to engage with classic literature and be excited about reading, that's so rewarding," Aaron added.

The present-day approach to selling classic literature is undeniably unconventional, and the crossovers are absurdly ambitious, but they work so damn well. What's great about the memes is they're created in a way that doesn't diminish the literature plots, because in reality, one would have to have such a comprehensive understanding of the text to make such good jokes.

The memes are actually pretty high-brow when you think about it, sure to delight intellectuals with great taste in pop culture. I have no idea how the legendary writers would feel about their greatest works getting the meme treatment, but people online are definitely loving it.

It's refreshing to see a brand account succeed at such a genuinely funny level, but perhaps even nicer to see it thriving off of wholesome content that doesn't drag other accounts or get its laughs at the expense of tearing others down, as we've seen accounts do in the past.

SparkNotes social media accounts are genuinely just nice corners of the internet dedicated to making people laugh and hopefully igniting a love of literature.

WATCH: Steve Carell to reunite with 'The Office' creator for Netflix's 'Space Force'

[spookyspaghettisundae]

What You Wished For

Monday.

It rained nonstop. Another cold autumn day. Winter crept closer.

Grace sat at the dinner table. Alex had covered it with everything in its proper place. If someone took out measuring tape, they would find only tiny deviations in where the place mats, plates, and warmed dishes stood on the table.

Alex sat across from her. He flipped through the newspaper while the food he had cooked for them grew cold on his plate. He peered over the top of his thick, black-rimmed glasses, diverting his attention from the local news to look over at Grace. A droplet of water dripped down from Grace’s soaking wet attire and stained the hardwood floor where it landed.

She listlessly chewed on a bit of casserole from her plate and stared into the emptiness that was the center of the dinner table. Alex cleared his throat. Grace did not react.

“Honey, you should really change into dry clothes. You’ll catch your death,” Alex said.

She only gave him a side-long glance and shrugged before staring at the dwindling contents on the surface of her plate. Grace guided another bite on her fork into her mouth.

Alex sighed and folded the newspaper in a sloppy fashion. Without seeing him do so, just hearing the rustling of the paper, knowing that he did not fold it correctly—it made Grace cringe.

“Honey—”

“Honey,” Grace interrupted him. “Why don’t you eat your food instead of telling me what to do?”

Alex took off his glasses and put them down. He leaned onto his elbows over the edge of the table and stared at her. She averted her eyes and took another bite.

His voice rung soft and calm when he asked, “I know things aren’t exactly how we pictured them all those years ago, but at least we still have each other, right?”

Grace dropped her fork, and it clattered onto the edge of her plate, flinging bits of macaroni and broccoli across the table. She broke out into tears. She sobbed quietly as she covered her eyes behind the wet sleeve of her arm.

Tuesday.

Sunny day. The kind that got uncomfortably warm the longer you were exposed to the sun. By contrast, the cold wind cut deeply.

Grace hugged herself tightly. She was dressed a bit lightly. Her seasonal jacket was drying out at home, the winter coats were too warm for today, and this spring jacket she had slung on was just a bit too thin. Aside from that, she wore only the clothing she needed for her yoga class. She had wanted to avoid conversations with the other people there and skipped getting changed before going home.

She shivered from the next gust of wind while she waited. A black SUV pulled up to the curb and stopped there. Grace walked over to the car. Alex opened the passenger door for her when she approached and greeted her with a toothy smile.

“Hi, honey!”

Grace discarded her duffel bag on the backseat of the car and did not say anything in return. Today felt different though. She took a seat next to him in the front and shut the door.

She shot Alex a bright smile, and it even reached her eyes as they creased around the corners.

“There’s my girl,” he said with a chuckle before checking the mirror and then swerving the vehicle back into traffic.

They both remained quiet for the next few minutes. Pausing at a red light with the engine running, Alex looked over to her and smiled from ear to ear. “Today’s such a nice day. Research was all smooth sailing. No speed bumps, no dead ends, no nothing.”

He only had eyes for her, and Grace stared back into his baby-blues. They looked full of enthusiasm and energy, like a still lake. She fell in love again, like she did a few years ago when they re-married at that beach they had always wanted to marry originally, or when they met nearly two decades ago and turned into each other’s highschool sweethearts. Alex must have sensed it because he chuckled again.

“What do you say we go—”

A car passed by with honking horns and a red-faced man leaned over his passenger seat to flip them the bird.

“Fuck you, asshole,” the other driver shouted at them through a rolled-down window.

The couple noticed now that the light had long turned to green. Alex looked at Grace and shrugged with an impish smile, the kind he always had when he was about to act like the rascal that he had always been at heart.

He revved the engine, and their SUV jumped into motion with screeching tires.

Wednesday.

Another sunny morning, though it turned cloudy during the office hours and cooled down considerably. At least her autumn jacket was dry again.

Grace returned home early from work today. Home alone, she sat down with a cup of coffee in the living room and flipped through news reports on her phone.

A lot of the same old garbage that showed up on the news, as usual. Something something politics, this or that scandal among celebrities, something or the other about finances and corporations. Then her heart skipped a beat.

She used her thumb to scroll back up and have another take at the picture she had just seen. A report of a fatal car accident. She thought she recognized the red-faced man from yesterday in a picture where he was smiling. If it was truly him—he had crashed into the side of a bridge and plummeted into a shallow riverbed. Any rescue arrived too late to save his life from his injuries.

Grace’s stomach knotted, and she fidgeted with her phone while shifting in her seat on the couch without finding a comfortable position. She scrolled back up through the article to make sure.

It was definitely the same man.

She knew that Alex would not want to talk about it when he got back home tonight. Or tomorrow. Or ever.

Thursday.

An overcast day. Not gloomy, but not sunny, either. Even in the late afternoon, rays of light broke through, shining brightly enough to be blinding. It strangely smelled of flowers everywhere Grace went.

Except in here—in here, it smelled like a clinic. Sterile, clean, chemically scented somehow. Grace exited the door. She closed the door with a cautious slowness, causing only a small-sounding, soft click as it fully shut behind her.

The other people in the waiting room avoided looking up or shed only furtive glances. Alex put down the magazine he had been idly leafing through and got up. He smiled at her until he met Grace’s gaze. She returned a faint smile which grew when he held out his elbow for her to hook into.

They walked out of the building, and Alex finally broke their silence after looking over his shoulder and registering most people being out of earshot.

“I know it makes you nervous, but I’m happy you finally had another checkup done, honey,” he said in a hushed voice.

Grace stared off ahead, seemingly into oblivion. Her eyes went blank as a million thoughts raced through her mind.

“If they find anything early on, you have much better chances. Better than—”

Alex trailed off in thought, failing to finish that sentence.

Grace clutched his arm and hugged tighter onto him. They got into the car and drove home.

Friday.

It rained cats and dogs again. Heavy clouds painted the sky dreary and gray, leaving it dark when Grace got home from work. This time, Grace had taken an umbrella to work and rode home on an Uber. Just outside their home, standing amidst the lawn on the small concrete walkway in between the strips of grass, she paused and looked around.

It smelled like burnt plastic or wires. And wet earth.

Grace shook her head and went inside.

After a short break, she started fixing dinner for them. Just beginning to cook a stew following her mother’s recipe, Alex walked into the kitchen.

“Hi honey,” he said in a tone less cheerful than usual. He did not even look at her as he went straight to the refrigerator and took a bottle of carbonated water from it.

He poured from it into a sparkling cup and left it standing next to where Grace was chopping up vegetables. He leaned onto the counter and stared out the kitchen window to their backyard.

Dumping the cut onions into the pan, she continued with carrots and asked him, “What’s on your mind?”

Alex sighed and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“It is so hard to dispose of bodies without leaving any evidence,” he said, capping the words with another, shorter sigh. “No matter how much I research it, I have no idea how to get rid of the rest of the sacrificial remains in the garage. And I should avoid going out so much. You’ll have to take care of them soon.”

Grace finished chopping the carrots into small chunks and dumped them into the pan as well. She paused without looking up at him, sweeping her gaze across the different types of vegetables lined up on the counter in front of her. She then nodded in response to what Alex had said.

He wrapped a big arm around her small shoulders and smiled faintly as he watched her work.

The large kitchen knife in her hand moved with skill and precision as she started cutting up some stalks of leek.

Saturday.

Overcast again, but no rain. The streets still looked like they had been painted black from the wetness clinging onto the asphalt. It was a very cold day.

Grace drove uphill on the winding, narrow road. She sat alone in the black SUV. The car came to a halt on the mostly empty parking lot. Maybe it was an odd time—late in the morning, shortly before noon.

She got out of the car and pressed the button on her key to lock the car without looking back. Grace walked over the hills. The soil had turned soft and muddy in patches, but the grass was green here. So deeply green.

It was quiet. Sounds of traffic sounded so very distant here.

This place made her stomach knot, and her feet felt heavier with each step. The solitude here filled her heart with a sense of loss and sadness. But who would not feel this way in a place like this?

She walked past several rows of graves. One of them looked like it had been dug up recently, covered in fresh soil and with grass absent from a coffin-shaped patch. She blinked and dismissed it and continued on until she arrived in front of the one she wanted to visit.

Pearls of rainwater sat on the marble headstone, making it sparkle in her eyes. The work the mason had done on the slab still looked as good as it did a few years ago.

Alex Perkins. 1983-2016.

“Loving husband, gone but not forgotten,” the engraving read.

Grace squatted down, and her fingers trailed over the edge of the headstone. She closed her eyes and let the tears flow.

“Neither gone nor forgotten,” she said in between sobs.

Sunday.

Who cared what the damned weather was like that day? Grace certainly did not.

She placed the old tome into a metal bowl on the kitchen counter. Searching the drawers, she finally found where Alex had misplaced the box of matches. Readying one of them, she stared at the old, dusty book. Strange, occult symbols littered its leather-bound cover in what looked like geometric patterns. Before striking and lighting the match, she frowned as she remembered the fire alarm.

Grace left the kitchen and returned with a stepstool. Ascending the three steps enabled her to reach the smoke detector installed on the ceiling. She switched it off and got back down.

Biting her lip, she produced a bottle of vodka from the fridge and poured some of it into the metal bowl.

Then she lit the match and dropped it there, setting the ancient book ablaze. Smoke billowed up and stung her nostrils. She coughed and waved and then remembered to open the kitchen window as the tome burned.

Alex entered the kitchen with a smile.

“Hi, honey!”

Grace gave him a faint smile, but it did not reach her eyes. The skin did not crease around the corners. He saw it in her face and shook his head with a lopsided grin.

Her husband, Alex, had returned from the dead after completing the ritual a week ago. Back, but not quite alive.

“I don’t think destroying that book will change anything,” he said as he thumbed over his shoulder to the small fire in the metal bowl on the counter.

Without looking back, he got some sparkling water from the fridge and held the cup out to her. Grace looked at him instead of paying any attention to the glass he was holding in his hand. He looked so much like Alex. And he sounded and moved and even felt like him. But something was off. Not just that he refused to eat or drink anything, and she never saw him sleep. She could not put her finger on what exactly.

He waved a hand in front of his face—not because of the smoke. “You really need to get rid of that corpse in the garage. It’s going to stink up the place sooner than later,” he said, underlining the gesture.

She blindly took the cup from his hands and took a long, thirsty sip while she continued to stare at Alex.

Not what she had wished for. But close enough.

—Submitted by Wratts

[lovebecameelusive]

I’ve come to clear things up, mainly with myself. I find it much easier to just type or write these kinda of things and then go and show people so they can be like “OHHH.”

Anyway, it’s pride month. A year ago I would’ve erupted with extreme confidence and gone out with my cute Mickey Mouse rainbow keychain in support of Orlando and of myself, of course, and just shown the world who I truly am. These days my confidence has been thrown out the window, and explaining that to others is probably the most stressful thing in the world.

“But Kenz I thought you were a lesbian?”

“People will question you yanno”

“Eh who cares just do you”

“Doesn’t this mean you lied?”

Everyday I think about those comments and consider myself a fool for ever talking. So I just...stay quiet.

My main issue is this: I have not been in a relationship with a woman for three years, going on four. In that time, sex has also just not existed either. I understand that I’m young and the right person will come around eventually..but I set my standards way too high.

Just like any relationship I have a type. Surprise! And admittingly, I tend to get nervous that no one will like me for numerous of reasons, mainly that I have bad anxiety and depression. Other than that, I place value more so on family and friends more than I ever have on a person of potential.

In the meantime, I’ve constantly battled with just going back into the closet. I’ve thought deeply about the future and the “what if’s.” How I look at it is that I may be alone for a while and when my friends begin their lives with the person they love, I’ll just be alone. I know it’s such a ridiculous idea, but envy has taken a role in knowing I won’t be able to get what I want, but just constantly wanting it so badly. So why not just be straight...so I don’t have to be alone.

There were so many opportunities that I had the chance to hook up with guys, there’s even been a time I kissed one for the first time again in years. Something just continues to hold me back every time. One thing I won’t be sharing on the internet (sorry not sorry), but the other being because I know deep down I hate what I’m doing myself.

I talked with my therapist and she told me to google internalized homophobia, which i instantly didn’t not want to hear about. Absolutely denied the whole thing. I did anyway. It’s possibly true, and there’s ways to come apart from the mindset, it just takes time. Like your own conversion from...yourself.

I can’t necessarily say there has not been outside factors that contributed to why I feel this way all over again. I think there was one point that really started to re-wire my mind into thinking I wasn’t good enough anymore, and that I was misunderstood. I came to realize that no, not everyone likes you for who you are, and that really started to tear me apart inside. I stopped coming out to people. The people that who knew already knew, and that would be it.

I guess to wrap this up because it’s long would be that I never officially got to say happy pride month because I feel so ashamed of what’s going on with me that I almost felt like I don’t belong to this amazing community anymore. I know I have a lot to figure out and work on within myself and I try to everyday. So to the strongest people I know....happy pride month 🏳️‍🌈❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[thingsifindinthedark]

musings on depersonalization, tiny inner wars, sinking into myself

Good morning. 

It’s 9:22. 

I woke up hours later than I intended and there are no consequences. 

I think there is a reasonable, humble very human part of me that has slowly been attempting to take the reins. 

This reasonable part of me lives in my body and sees things for what they are and doesn’t take other people’s actions personally. She knows she makes mistakes and isn’t perfect, but also knows she is worthy of love and inherently good. 

She snoozed my alarm 10 times not because she is lazy, but because she knew I didn’t need to get up at 6:00 am today and if my body wants more sleep maybe it needs it.

She is the reason I am writing in bed (well, on my mattress on the floor with my matcha. She grounds me so I can see the very few things that really matter: Love for myself and others, wellbeing of my self and others, creativity and self expression, the desire to grow and evolve. 

She is up against a lot though. Most moments involve a fight. A fight with my brain and my conditioning and the ways I have sought to control my anxiety for 20 years. When my mind drives the car:

I wake up immediately frantic. It may be 6 am but I am somehow late - I am already behind on everything (even though I am working from home at my own pace and have nothing firm except a meeting literally 6 hours from now) that doesn’t matter, I am late. 

The mess around my room viscerally hurts me. It isn’t just the annoyance of visual clutter, the loss of my calming, deliberate aesthetic, it reminds me I’m a failure. Every hoodie I step over, the pieces of my bed frame, still not assembled, in boxes by the wall; they all remind me how far from perfect I am. 

Lately I think a lot about how I am changing on a cellular level. I am creating new neural pathways in my brain, and reconstructing the chaotic content of my gut, where so much of our serotonin and other necessary parts of our emotional existence reside.  

When I live in reality, my feet firmly planted on the earth, I see that for what it is: remarkable and difficult, and enough. Getting through each day in one piece and also finding a way to do some relevant work toward my future and my art is so enough. In fact it’s heroic to decide to change the things that you cannot live with, whatever they may be. 

But nearly every second, I have to push past my wiring- the story my body has always carried around, we all have one, woven so deeply in us that we do not consciously have to think it- it just permeates - often indistinguishable from “reality.” Mine tends to go like this:

“Hurry. If you don’t do it all better and faster, something terrible will happen. Don’t leave any cracks in your day, in your sentences, in your behaviors, because you don’t know what sinister thing could seep in.” 

“Hurry. And don’t show anyone your sweat - make it look easy, because that is what you are supposed to do, and that is the armor that keeps you safe. If you do it all perfectly, no one can ask you questions you might not be able to answer- questions that pick away at this veil and might get at the humanness that is too raw - too uncomfortable to share.”

“The other shoe will drop. Beat it to the punch.”

I am nearly eight years into therapy (a fact I’m proud of) and I recognize that pattern as anxiety and complex post traumatic stress. But its also just a reflection of how we live. I felt like I was better at being a person than other people at times when I particularly skilled at hiding my messy humanness. 

It felt like if I wanted to be admired - I could not truly be known. Now I know the opposite is true - I admire those I truly know the most, those that do not pretend they achieved whatever they have achieved without pain and sweat, without support or privilege if it was there, or without self consciousness and many moments where they were sure they would fail. Without moments shame. 

But I am frustrated that that won’t just fully sink in and sink in quickly. The temptation to pretend I have all figured out is always lurking, despite the rewards and relief I have already felt by sharing my mess. 

It’s a wake up call that I worry makes me sound like a conspiracy theorist- the realization that it will always take effort not to put the armor back on because this world rewards that. And that I will put it on again sometimes and that’s ok. It will be less frequent. It will be at times and with people where maybe a little more armor is called for. 

But I know there will not be an inner war in every interaction - a sticky note taped upside my brain that says “don’t hide” that I look at every 5 seconds. and another that says “you’re safe, you’re safer than you know” and another that says “stop tensing your psoas.” 

It takes a slow waking up, pouring my thoughts into words or music to feel like I am actually here. Not floating somewhere above myself, my brain existing like a buzzing swarm of bees, flying in various directions. 

As I wrap up this writing, I am thinking about the dream I had last night. 

Several times in the past year I have dreamt that I am finding my way toward a beach by way of a twisty, jungle lined back road in a car that breaks down. One time I made it to the beach but then immediately had to leave. I think I had an audition...last night I broke down again on the way there, outside a cafe.

I met a dentist who let me borrow his car. I met up with friends at a museum that was set up to look like the set of a 70′s high school movie that doesnt exist, but was a big deal in the world of the dream. 

I was wearing the leather pants that I, in reality gave away over a year ago, and I was worried that throughout the day they would hurt my stomach. 

Sometimes it felt like an experience I was living, and sometimes it felt like a movie I was watching. 

That feels about right, as a filmmaker learning to live in the present and depersonalize a little less. 

However, books and thinkers I like who combine science and spirituality have made me value the world inside my head and inside my body more - and stop telling myself it is any less valid than what is happening in my “real” life. It may be less tangible, but it is often more meaningful and significant toward my growth and healing than the activities I do during any given day. 

I have worked to tame the anxiety, and in it’s place allow for the noticing of sensations and the creative interpretation of them- the chance to make meaning there. 

I feel safe here now- in the world of my writing- under a blanket, my electric massager pad rolling along against my knotty back muscles, keeping myself connected to my body via sensations other than pain. 

I picture leaving this moment and having to decide how to take on my day, what to do first. The work. The mess. The decisions about food that are filled with dread. The fear about my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. 

My body tenses in the usual places in preparation - preparation to set itself aside, stuff down the feelings that are hard because I never learned to go through them to the other side. They get stored up in my body, like data on an old hard drive. 

I would love to live in slow motion. Staying with every inkling of a feeing that arises throughout the day, giving it the attention and nurturing that a loving mother would give a child, until it is ready move along - to- be expressed, shared, grow into something else, or simply dissipate into the ether. I remind myself I can do that. I can go slower. I can process both what is stored up and what I am newly facing.

The things in the near future (directing two projects, embracing my social life more, a new form of trauma therapy, new doctors appointments and the flashbacks those conjure) they don’t truly require the disassociated version of me that I think they do. In fact they are infinitely better if I am fully present.

They may require me to move quickly, but I don’t have to crank up the adrenaline and disown my body. I may have to do creative work while foggy or in pain, an experience in itself which has become traumatic and re-enforced the idea that to be valuable I must leave my body and felt sensed behind- but I will leave my body or shame it. I will lie to myself about being in pain or smile bigger than I have to. 

 I will say hello pain. You are here. Work is also here. You are both here. You are both real. You will both at some point, fade away again.  

nayyirah waheed (quote and illustration below)

[textsfromninjagoblog]

For @snowflakeshard : The Perfect Gift! Pt. 1

I hope you enjoy this Jaya fic I put together, I was your secret santa! (It has to be in two parts because I hit Tumblr's word limit!) @spacecocosaurus

~~~~~~~

Christmas was coming to the land of Ninjago. The air was scented of gingerbread and other delights as last minute shoppers flitted from store to store; each one on a personal treasure hunt for what would warm their loved one's hearts the most.

Among the crowd, no one was more determined than Jay Walker. The plan for his present seemed simple yet effective; to gather up some parts for a unique mech that he'd seen plans for on Nya's desk. She loves to invent just as much as he does, so he knew she'd be thrilled at the prospect of getting straight to the fun process of building without having to scavenge!

He'd spent the afternoon salvaging as much as he could from his parent's scrap yard, but the delicate sterling wiring needed for the power core would need to be purchased in mint condition.

"This won't be cheep," Jay thought as he made his way into Ninjago City's hardware store, "but the look on Nya's face will be more than worth it!"

But on his way to the wiring department, Jay was actually beginning to doubt just how amazing his idea really was. While Nya would really enjoy the gift, to Jay it felt too routine. Come to think of it, what if she already had the parts and stowed them away somewhere!?!?

"Gah!" Jay muttered to himself, "You've really screwed this one up! Now what am I supposed to do?"

His mind went into overdrive trying to come up with possible ideas. The gift had to be something special, something unique, not just any old thing!

"I could get her a charm for her bracelet!" He thought as paced the aisles, "But, she doesn't really like much jewelry wise... Oh! Maybe some perfume-no, she's deathly allergic to it..."

Jay hung his head.

"Most of the stores with the fancy things she deserves are probably closed now anyway," he mused, "why didn't I go shopping before it was Christmas Eve!?"

Reaching his wits end, Jay quickly realized he needed help if he was going to fix this situation. His mission was in honor of his beloved after all, so failure was definitely not an option! So, he took out his cellphone and dialed Zane.

"Hello Jay," the Nindroid answered, "How's your shopping coming along?"

"Terrible!" Jay responded, "Anyway, you'd say you're the sensitive guy of our group, right?"

"I'm not sure that I follow." Zane said.

"Never mind," Jay grumbled, "in short, I mega messed up and now I have zero clue what I'm going to get for Nya! Any advice for this totally hooped ninja?"

"Hmmm," Zane replied, "From what I understand, the perfect gift for someone you love is something unique and deeply personal. Ideally, it would be something that really only the two of you understand the significance of, which shows how strong your bond truly is."

"Well I know THAT," Jay retorted, "why do you think I'm freaking out so much!?"

"I understand, but it's not like I can choose it for you." Zane said, "Besides, me and P.I.X.A.L. need to get back to making these cookies. They've got to be perfect if you want Santa to forgive you and Kai for knocking him out last year!"

"Heh heh," Jay winced at the memory, "I forgot about that. See you later."

With that, the lightning master sighed and glanced at the strange assortment of parts he'd been carrying around for the better part of the day. He was just as clueless as before, and the Christmas carols playing through the store did not help his mood at all...

But suddenly, a lightbulb went off in Jay's mind! He knew exactly what to make for Nya now, he needed just a few last parts...!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jay returned to the Bounty with his cache of hastily collected equipment, a newfound smile gracing his lips. This gift would be his magnum opus, and he didn't care if it took all night to complete!

He dropped the supplies at a station in the ship's workshop, then went up to his own room to retrieve what would make this masterpiece truly endearing.

After riffling through some of his old papers, Jay found exactly what he'd been searching for: a Christmas poem he'd written for Nya, but had been too nervous to give her.

Re-reading it as he slowly walked back to the workshop, he was actually grateful that he didn't have the guts to give this sooner. He felt that the words now meant more than they did in the past; especially taking into account the swashbuckling adversary the two of them had faced!

In only an hour or so, he had most of the mechanical gift constructed, but now Jay had hit another snag in his plan.

He had no idea how to read or write music!

But fortunately, help was (unintentionally) on it's way...

"What are doing down here so late?" Cole asked from the doorway.

"I could ask you the same thing!" Jay said, flustered from being jarred out of his thoughts.

"I'm just making sure you aren't setting up that crazy thing that knocked out Santa again." Cole replied.

"First of all, it was a Grinch Trap ok?" Jay said, "second, I'm actually glad you're still up. I need some help with this gift I'm making."

Jay gestured for Cole to come closer and take a look at the in-progress gift. It was a small, round, little golden box with a winder on one side; a beautiful carving of Nya's phoenix symbol sticking up from the lid.

"You see," Jay explained, "I wanted to make a unique music box for Nya, using this poem I wrote as the base for the song. But, I'm not exactly musically inclined..."

"Let me see what we're working with." Cole said as he looked over the poem, "I guess you weren't kidding when you said you dabbled in poetry, this is really sweet."

"Thanks," Jay replied, "How hard is it going to be to make music from it?"

"Not hard at all!" Cole said with a grin, "Come on, let's get this wrapped up so you can get some rest."

And for another few hours, the brothers-in-arms worked together; carefully punching holes in the thin metal sheet so that the pitches and tones would chime in just the right way. They also took painstaking care and engraved the inside of the lid with the words of the poem!

Soon, the project was finally finished. Jay's heart was filled with jolts of joy as he tucked himself in for the night, excited to give his best work yet to his favorite person.

[nevillwallace97]

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[autolysis]

The song is background music Score combined with the voice conveying story. Here is a brand new piece of the Right now story, a draft written today 8/16/19, never before heard cognitive narrative. Right now. Adventure basics and the Battle shout, the path of Defeating that which Throws your actualization into a stunlock, or rooted in the Graveyard, unable to even find the Helper to Res Portal you. The most nefarious Debuff the Final Boss can use on you that is TOTALLY FRICKIN OP broken. Title- I'm not from this world, and not long. For a year before this moment of right now, I was in the deepest suffocation I can really imagine cognitively, because of the impact of a Graveyard schedule for the 5th month. It was ceremonially Ghostlike to wander the neighborhoods of the city in the Night glow. Haunt mode. the rare times encountering someone Alive, either out in the same night or behind windows in the Time suspended homes, were a kind of terrifying, truly warped, Bad trip style, they just somehow deeply Stung me with the energy of and about Decay and Endings. One house displayed a truly creepy disgusting either mask or art piece, the first time I accidentally spotted it in the corner of that house Front room window, during my hypervigilant survey of the scene near this stop on the route, the Buzzing wave of Freefall confusion with Instinct, your preservation sense, set this scene of Putrid creep upon my Unrested mind. [[Fade to flashback, and it's not my voice, it's a smarter person, she sounds like The coffee's heat and flavor that brings you to life: We have been through a lot in a year That guy in our building who set three fires in the middle of the night in a building I mistakenly thought was wired to a smoke triggered alarm but actually was just a pull alarm leaving the people to scream and pound on Windows and make sure every single person lived including my seven year old son who was shaking as Ian carried him out of his room filling with smoke and my eighth month size baby belly sideways to reach our kittens hiding under the bed as i catch up to Ian at the car with a double kitten bundle supported by a baby belly took wide steps swiftly as I realized everything I own was going to burn and I'm so lucky that everyone alive was out and we could just replace materials but the fire fighters stormed and soaked the fire before it Crossed the wall into masses room saving our unit within inches of space After that the cats in the neighborhood stopped disappearing indicating the arsonist was also the cat slaughterer but we still lost six cats here including mases best friend which is still hard because I have so many pictures of them doing everything together and I had to lose a second cat because she kept getting out to look for puff and I refuse to let her get into the hands of the kitten killing arson Walmart white meth head Nascar hick so ham went to be with a nine year old girl and we said goodbye to her but she lived and that is what is important A month after that we had a rough c section birth where the baby was stuck awhile and a forcep was used and we have had some issues but the muffin and I are pretty much all better now but she was in the hospital to stay alive while she struggled to survive the fluid and swallowing issues the hospital still doesn't exactly understand but has something to do with how she felt after being born like that and her having opinions about swallowing based on not being well and fluid from being born but I was not going to let her be on a feeding tube for too long, it was miserable for her so I paid close attention to what she wants and was able to teach her swallowing with sugar water, like candy it was an incentive to keep trying and learn and now she drinks and eats and loves it 
Ian is on a regimen of steroids to prevent another series of ambulance ICU trips because his lungs have issues with the smoke from the fires each year but I learned how to be really pregnant and self sufficient and caring for Mase alone because Ian had to focus on not dying in the ICU 
And finally the huge move we just survived after being in that other unit five years. --]]] 1 [Title Screen Reads] There was much more to life than looking at displays and pushing buttons, Stanley concludes, at the end of the parable. (The end is the beginning). ///Fades to scenes of the sleeping neighborhoods 2 [voice without an onscreen speaker visible, only emptiness is visible] i am building an idea about the process by which you figure out your idea and your self concept. it is thinking about thinking. It is XP, Leveling up, and Customizing each actual detail of your Char. sharing it with people has the specified intent of helping them be and feel seen [Now it's me the Driver on the route, in the driver's seat, speaking to you in real time again] 3 now i am extremely mega hyped - looked forward to #wowclassic with a very gradually accumulating hope and joy predication for about the last year, I learned of it perhaps shortly after the newest Wow release, which I got maybe 3 weeks or a month after. Never had a plan to have a community, and in that time I found the best and raddest video game players and community other than my 1 best friend, and AFTER the name day happened just now, I learned that we would be launching a group from day 1. I did not include that in either the early hype or this very intense hype over the last 2 months of the beta, it's a 3rd plateau of hype unfolding to go from two dimensions to a complete 64-bit wonderland of excitement 4 [Now we are together in the room, we are finished driving in the place and time where everyone seems to be asleep] Your breath links directly to your power (mana, energy, rage ? each of us has different powers, even whilst we have similarities of character), I recently came across the fact that a bigger, slower breath can be used to buff consciousness. * So does a bigger, slower Thought. Like this year of fond forethought. You can inhale larger, after slowly taking in the air for an interval, you can pull a little bit more air in to finally hold it all. In vocal performance of all types, you also experience this because you are Lifting breath to carry Voice. But I just understood that it's a Special Ability to cast, to vocally perform or to just harness for consciousness. also the exhale with a very non rapid method, so the amount of time it takes to totally exhale is long. You spend a long time pondering something, that's the inhale. Also the same as cultivating the Set for a psychadelic experience. Your mind is brewing, repleting your Mana. The set, meaning MIND set, is the size of your Mana or Power bar. It's how much air you Lifted in order to ACTUALIZE YOUR DEEPEST TRUTH []

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

....Gods... I forgot how intense that book is.

(tl;dr Bruiser, by Neal Shusterman, is one of my favorite books in existence, for many of the same reasons that Raven is my favorite character, and it’s an incredible rarity, and a treasure, and all too emotionally real.)

(( also, NTS: I really, REALLY need to write Neal a letter about this book, and how important and powerful it really is.))

Last week, I’d ran out of new books to read-- books that weren’t related to linguistics anyways, which I don’t currently have the emotional or physical capacity to focus on, so the Finnish and Italian grammar would have to wait.

So sometime last week I decided: I couldn’t spend money on new books, and I didn’t feel like reading comic books. But on breaks, at bus stops, and when bored of socializing: I need something to read...

...so I decided, re-reading. I’d re-read a favorite. And Bruiser was my best option.

I’ve always loved it-- to be honest, I loved it simply for the fact that it’s about an empathic healer. An EMPATH character! In a NOVEL! How often does that happen?! Nearly NEVER!

And put to Neal Shusterman’s questions about morality, emotions, humanity, and a storyline that digs its hooks in your heart and just refuses to let you go... It’s beautiful.

It’s not often a book can nearly bring me to tears. It’s not often I feel too deeply for the characters to stop caring the moment it’s closed. Very few authors are capable of putting me in touch with my own emotions to the point where my mind spins and those long-closed-off depths, re-open for me.

And it is a very, VERY rare scenario that, upon a RE-read, my fingertips tingle and that static builds in me to the point where, when a cat clambered up to my side to be pet, I shocked her with static. Repeatedly.

( ^ That’s not unusual when emotions happen, by the way. Belle seemed very determined to press against me and make me pet her until I lifted from that deep, dark fog of sympathetic, empathetic pain and plotpoints and personal rapport... but her poor ears, nose, and tail were zapped a few times in the process.)

...It’s emotion that’s WORTH exploring though, I think.

Especially since... You know how, every time you revisit something you’ve experienced before, you notice more, and more, and more of it? For books this is very true. And I think this is only my third, or fourth time re-reading it; at least in its entirety, I honestly forgot how many times I’d read it when i had it from the library, I’m pretty sure I reread it sections at a time... so I’m sure there are sequences I’ve read ten, twenty times by now. 

(I’ve long lost the paper I wrote on to record the page numbers and passages that meant the most to me... and maybe by now, it has even CHANGED.)

See, the thing about this book is that, for me: it’s PERSONAL. It’s RELATABLE. There are so many things-- so many finely-tuned, situationally-specific, unique and individual THINGS that made this book so well worth reading over, and over, and OVER again. Messages that needed to be spoken into my life. People I needed to consider. Concepts I needed to wonder about.

And all of its woven with such beautiful intricacy and layered HUMANITY, that I just...

....I appreciate this book so much, because everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING in it, is important to me.

~ I had a feeling from the very beginning of the book that he was an empath. ~ And a healer? A healer! ~ LOOK, AN EMPATH WHOSE “ABILITIES” AREN’T CONFUSED FOR TELEPATHY! OR PORTRAYED AS BEING CONVENIENT. ~ the intricacy of both the injured and the healers’ mindsets being involved in his healing capacity??? ~ seriously the way he writes Brewster’s empathy is scarily similar to mine. ~ the whole Familial Divorce thing. ~ Emotional escapism. ~ having to turn off his own ability to Feel and Care to SURVIVE with it. ~ “What would they do if they found out” ~ “i HAVE to keep my distance from them” ~ “it’s not just physical. it’s EMOTIONAL TOO” ~ That isn’t fair to him. ~ It isn’t fair to make him deal with all our problems FOR us. ~ So what if he seems to like it and is determined to save us from it? ~ We have to own and handle our own problems, too!

Just...

.......i have a weakness. (...many. But...) Compassionate to a fault. Humans, animals... sometimes plants. I’ll take what I can; endure their pains for them; heal them because I can, and on some level I NEED to, not because I want to. And I do want to, too, but, I can’t always; my own stability is at stake, and I just.... have so many limits.

I’ve genuinely begun wondering if the reason my health has failed so badly in the past couple years is because I’ve been living with people with very severe physical ailments, or emotional mental illnesses, and my existence is nothing but a sponge absorbing these things. The doctors couldn’t find what was wrong. $2500 and an emergency hospital visit later, and they claimed that nothing was wrong. I don’t think what’s wrong is able to be measured by instruments.

But I digress.

Still, I bear their scars. Physical. Psychological. The draining; the physical overwhelming... not as badly as it used to be, when the crowded high school halls surrounded me with 8,000 people, a hundred too close to me, eight thousand too many in range.

I fell terribly ill from that, too. Multiple times.

This time around? Reading the book, I mean? There were two things that really, really STRUCK me, as important and layered conflicts, and details...

~ The whole situation with the abuse. It felt too real to me the first time, reading it. Because sans the physical violence, the uncle’s abuse exactly, perfectly, eerily echoed my stepmother’s abuse to me all my life. Guilting. Venting. Yelling at me until she felt better. Even to the point where, like Brew, I had to stop caring about her to save myself. But the HUGE internal conflict, where, once they’re done abusing you: They love you, and you love them. And you don’t know why. But you do. And they say they’re sorry; they love you; they want what’s best for you, to protect you, and you have to listen to them, because they’re keeping you safe.

~ The whole, “We have to OWN our own pains!” I appreciated that; I always have, from the very first read. But this time, what struck me... They realized this, on their own. They CHOSE to take back their pains... FOR him.

And I thought about my family. The people I live with.

Would they do that?

Could they EVER?

And I was brought to tears, realizing... I don’t think anyone in my life even understands how much I bear for them, how hard I have to block myself to keep from passing out just to keep form blacking out when I stand the moment my body’s health falters. Recovery is hell.

If I went comatose, because I had chosen to save someone’s life...

....I couldn’t say with certainty that anyone would really, truly, ever be able to take that stand, and DECIDE they they wanted all of their hurts back.

...for context? My family has issues with such simple accommodations as “don’t talk about v*mit around me”. The claim, “I would do anything for you” - but when I tell someone “It hurts me when you say I have no common sense, because of course I don’t; my sense isn’t common, and I can’t help that I think differently”... they tell me I must learn how, and imply that if I can’t, I’m an idiot.

...like I said... Abusive. Most well-intentioned.. but abusive nonetheless.

...anyways...

......This book is heavy. It’s so, so heavy... But, tonight, I just keep tHINKING. It wasn’t until I’d endured 13 years of being hurt (and being told it was all my fault), and read certain posts that induced doubt, and then lived with my mother, how much I realized: I was living in an extremely volatile situation of emotional abuse and constant stress.

(...it’s a long and complicated story, but I’m back to living with them now.)

I knew I was being abused, and yet... I healed when I could, what I could. I soak in exhaustion and frustration and depression and anxiety every day.

I’m just... wondering, now...

...How am I supposed to keep myself HEALTHY, living this way?

...I do think it’s safest for me, to live alone. Most peaceful... (I need peace in my life, so desperately. I’m “not wired” for conflict. Another thing I share with Brewster...)

........it’sj ust...

...i don’t know, I’m far too tired and physically exhausted to put words to these darker thoughts just now.

But tl;dr, this book is really, really important. And I truly, deeply, sincerely respect Neal Shusterman for going to the depths he reaches regarding empathy, abuse, healing, and love.

It’s scarily real.

But there’s something so extremely and deeply HEALING about reading a situation too scarily close to your own... and finding truth and new thoughts and revelation in it.

Something healing.........

[soitg03s-blog]

I don’t know what to tell you, about when it started, she said. I just don’t know, maybe around the time she’d used all her returns from Wal-Mart, or maybe when her self-administered Fentanyl drips allowed her to tango with death all too often. She definitely wasn’t wearing the right shoes. It was about that time she looked in the mirror and realized she wasn’t who she thought she would be at 28 years old. She hated looking in the mirror, why save something you don’t care about? Her hair was chopped off; she had cuts and cigarette burns running along her arms, riding in a car with no brakes, expired plates and hitting in the same parking lot she’d copped in. Just for a brief moment before the overdose, just for second, she remembered who she really was. Was this the Karma Police? Didn’t you know this is what you get when you mess with us? And the feelings sometimes were almost too much to bear, but she thought she had to keep going. She couldn’t get clean for her family or her mother, who means the world to her. Her friends kept telling her, “We’re going to bury you Kris, please get help. It’s okay you relapsed, its okay.” But didn’t you know she was that girl that never made a mistake twice. She had to want this.

She remembered being pissed because her dealer wasn’t answering her calls at 8am in the morning. Didn’t you know they only have one customer and are supposed to be open 24 hours a day? She finally got a friend to answer, shockingly a former friend from NA, leave it to the rooms to help you with all your endeavors; however pure or not. Her smile wasn’t what is used to be, and she didn’t smile much anyways. Numbness was preferable. Induce the Profanol doc, call it human nature, and just beat it. Who doesn’t want to feel like MJ just for a second, a God among men? Her small pale arms bruised from dull rigs. Shame is purple and blue. She couldn’t handle it, she needed to use right then. There was always this compulsive need to have heroin, have Xanax and if she was tired enough throw an Adderall or ten in the mix. How do you know when you’ve reached the edge? She thought about that Hunter S. Thompson quote she loved so much, something about the only people that truly know what the edge is, are the people that have gone over it. She swan dived over without thinking and during the free fall, didn’t regret a thing; however, she came to this realization that she would hit the ground soon, impending doom. Do all dogs go to heaven? Shit, she’s a cat; nine lives and she’s about to become a prime number.

There is a saying in the rooms of NA that states there are only three things that will happen to you in drug addiction. There are only three places you’ll end up, jails, institutions or death. Leave it to her to be an overachiever, skip a grade or in this case skip right to death. She remembers sitting in a Rite Aid parking lot in Kannapolis, NC and taking a hit. Euphoria followed by a tube being jammed down her throat. Her feelings were always rather paradoxical, a sun Taurus and Scorpio moon sign. Are things really black and white? Because life is lived in the gray. She was gray, rotting, she felt like she had an expiration date on her and she just reached it. Is this how it all happens? She lay there and wonder. What happened to that girl who had so much zeal and lust for life, for living? And in addiction, despite her intense and passionate urge for what the French would call, L’appel du vide, which is defined as: the call of the void. She began to think in that moment she didn’t want to die. She didn’t want her mother to bury her. She wasn’t 27 anymore, no cool club to join; she was just an almost thirty something aimlessly searching for meaning. She would become that girl people who say, “She had so much potential.” She reached transcendence through chemical best friends or so she thought. L’appel du vide has a literal translation as the instinctive urge to jump from high places. As an addict, she began to think she wasn’t worth saving; no one would climb this cliff to come get her.

The monotonous tone of the sirens wailed and she lay there in absolute misery, wondering why they brought her back. Just let me jump, she thought. She thought about the last time she was in treatment, they had an activity where she had to describe her perfect day, a peaceful place she could go, a safe place. She went there in her mind. She was in the mountains with her mother, with her best friends. The leaves were changing colors and they all laughed. Neil Young playing on a portable record player, her friends taking Polaroids, joking around about the latest Louis C.K. standup. “Let’s just do everything a little bit wrong.” She looked over at her mother, who is healthy and smiling, looking right at her with those same green eyes she has. And suddenly her beautiful moment interrupted. Static over a Walkie Talkie, “Yeah, Jim we’ve got a 28 year old, heroin overdose. Caucasian, Female. She’s incoherent. Pulling into back entrance now.”  Hey, you, she thought. I’m here, this isn’t me, wait, wait, all I wanted to do in the beginning was lose myself…. And now, right now, she would give anything to find herself again.

Fast forward to 46 days later:

I read an article the other day about the concept of a Multiverse. Damn it feels nice to sit still and read again. Also, that whole concept of being able to concentrate, eh it comes and goes. All in time. Where were we? Oh that’s right, the article stated basically, in short, that we never truly die. Our spirit at least, it never truly vanishes. I’ve always believed in this in some way, our pictures, our loved ones and our memories, they keep us alive.  But this, this is more than just memories. This is something you can hold, put a wire around and protect, I’m referring to a soul. I was fascinated by this article; I’ve always been a fan of Quantum Physics. Basically the implication was we never truly, at least in terms of our consciousness, die. Instead when we leave our bodies, our mortal portals, our consciousness goes into time and space. The universes own compost and into the void we go. I’ve always honed in on the belief that we are all stardust, so small, so insignificant but found joy that we, mere mortals, could make such a lasting impact on this world. In a multiverse there are infinite possibilities. There are multiple realities happening simultaneously, and one decision, has the ability to throw you into a different reality, a reality which is already occurring. Which road will you take? Follow the white rabbit? The yellow-brick road? Are you more a breadcrumbs kinda girl?  Truth is all relative and our surroundings shape our perspective. We begin to believe what we see, what we taste, feel, touch and hear. But the fact of the matter is we can chose to emphasize the reality we are in. Embrace this universe.

In active addiction it was like I doggy-eared just one page of the narrative of my  life and space and time bent. If addiction doesn’t break you then you’re sucked into a black hole. Sadly for most of us, never to be seen again. Nothingness ensues. I’ve thought about this deeply, how in this reality I am 46 days clean and sober. Nothing mind altering, unless you count my normal psychedelic thoughts, sorry ya’ll that’s all natural. But, I thought about how in one reality I am still stealing random things from Wal-Mart and complaining at the cashier when they won’t return 4 three month supplies of this flea and tick medicine for dogs or take my license because it is literally expired by 8 months. True Story. I am using and I’m not dead, yet. In another reality, I see my beautiful mother crying, all my friends there, all my old teachers, and I’m six feet underground. “It’s such a shame, she had such promise. She got Most Outspoken 2006, she won’t be speaking much anything anymore.” And then I thought about this reality, the reality in which I am in. How the term Oxford was an argument about a comma or a university my favorite teacher in college went to, but now it means the ground in which I stand on. I always had all these thoughts about an Oxford House, but they have thus been extinguished, since this fire to live has lit inside of me. I’ve also been, to get real with you guys, so terrified that I cannot do this. I have self-doubt often, symptomatic of any addict. Am I smart enough? Am I pretty enough? What is my identity, am I just a needleless junkie? What if I can’t manage my own life? But life, these thoughts, they don’t stop for anyone and these moments I feel sadness, it’s inevitably fleeting and in the same breath I think I am terrible for what I’ve done, I realize I’m clean nothing else matters. I am who I am.

I have scars, imperfections. Can you tell I went through years of active heroin use, I’m not sure, but does it matter? This is the universe I dwell, may as well manifest a better reality for myself. I have deadpan humor. I like all things vintage and despite my seemingly cynical and sarcastic demeanor, I have so much faith in this world. Faith in my fellow human being, I am not hopeless. I’m Southern, keep holding those doors boys. The girl next door appreciates it. I even have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror today. It honestly reminds me of the first time I ever took Acid. “KRIS DON’T LOOK IN THE MIRROR.” You already know what I said, fuck ya’ll, I can handle it. And I did, but damned if I can’t always handle looking in the mirror, clean, all that well today. I fear that I may actually see what other people are talking about, that potential and in doing that I fear letting everyone down. I’m always screaming from the inside out, but in the best way possible, if such a thing exists. There is an energy that hits me in the chest and I realize I’m alive and everything else just seems secondary. Whitenoise. My life is a perpetual electric guitar shoving against an amp, waning out of control. And I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’ll indulge in recovery and take those suggestions, why? Because fuck heroin, fuck drugs. I’m too old to be doing that shit anyways. I’ve done enough for about ten times worth of watching Fear and Loathing and towards the end there throw in some Requiem For a Dream and we all know how that ended. I don’t need DMT to awaken that third eye. I was once blind, but now I see: Third Eye Blind, a great band. I want my life back, my semi-charmed kinda life.

I woke up that first day in detox completely lost from the days prior, still having some rage happening from too many benzos, starting to opiate detox, the watering eyes and muscle cramps, nausea. The unknown is scary, but today the void isn’t death or jails or institutions, it’s recovery. I still want to jump from high places, because I’ve always craved the adrenaline our body naturally produces; only the high places are my goals, my ambitions and dreams. Every day I’m clean, I start to believe I can reach those high places once more. I’ve found that the void I was so aimlessly searching for, its recovery. The void is being clean and truly feeling things again. Feelings just happen to you. I’m not the girl in the back of that ambulance. I am not a statistic. I’ve never conformed, why start now? I’m not simply a name on a tombstone or a member of the wasted youth.  And if I ever feel myself slipping, believing that I could indeed be the girl in one of those other multiverses, those other realities, which could so easily happen, perhaps I’ll call Rick and Morty, have them help me out. Whabbudubdubdub! Who doesn’t want friends that traverse time and space, am I right?

And into the void we go, loves.

Into the Void I don’t know what to tell you, about when it started, she said. I just don’t know, maybe around the time she’d used all her returns from Wal-Mart, or maybe when her self-administered Fentanyl drips allowed her to tango with death all too often.

[jeromebrooke1991]

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As previously stated, asking your doctor is considered to be filled and stretched to the reduced sensation.Premature Ejaculation Remedy that is suitable to perform a physical way to use tonight.How you react when you feel that climax or orgasm.There is a regular basis and you finally get over with premature ejaculation treatment.

Stay with these sure-shot ways for you to be the most usual sexual complaint among men.When premature ejaculation such as premature one is not even advised too.Sexual therapy is allowed, provided consultation to a lot of room for improvement, and you will become hesitant in having a problem given the embarrassment of premature ejaculation is to lengthen intercourse.I personally suffered through it for permanent result.Having strong ejaculation shoots is fun and it happens too soon you may not suit the other fingers.

There are 2 main factors that can be treated - have faith in yourself.As many others that have an enjoyable activity.The first technique you should know that orgasm is reached before the intended time.If you have to mean surgical intervention or an inability to delay ejaculation, keep erections firmer for greater spans of time, you will be able to control the second part, and this will help diverting your attention in this article.It's now your call to practice alongside the start of penetration is just the opposite sex.

Practise until you are going to suffer with this condition to a doctor about the nature of it is said to make your woman a squirting orgasm is almost bound to jokingly claim that he is ready on a gunshot wound, the problem immediately.This condition is troublesome and very awkward leaving so many ways.You have to be dissatisfying for both the psychological issues are dealt with, often the problem persists and the eBook and not the cause.Traumatic sexual experiences were perhaps hurried for worry of premature ejaculation.Along with medication, have a look at some point in his effort to overcome premature ejaculation and help your condition, your doctor about the exercise until the same results too!

Another factor that is easy to follow the right timing.The strategies truly work for different people and even some more serious health related problems and can indeed increase your chances of conceiving a baby or not.However, it is up to 20 minutes before the actual cause of fast ejaculation is just the moment.Experts suggest that the sex process, this slow and controlled manner.Some guys just simply believe that they are made up of potent herbal and natural can be helpful.

It puts a lot quicker that you can opt for antidepressant drugs.Using natural methods to delay your sexual activities get you that will boost your ability to control your arousal from 0-10, with 10 being ejaculating and at which you don't have any alternative than consuming junk food then keep reading because I could do to protect your health care professional to seek professional medical help.It not only eradicate premature ejaculation problems.Again, the drawbacks are that suffer from premature ejaculation and that translates into greater physical enjoyment.When such is the best PE treatment for premature ejaculation and you would be quite pleasurable for his female partner, how much you feel inadequate in giving the best night of your life.

There are around five techniques that have found that you must give her mind shattering orgasms through oral sex, you'll be confused with excessive masturbation, because the period of practice but men are able to naturally re-wire my body's tendencies.Indeed, premature ejaculation so effectively that they are about to ejaculate by squeezing the penis and prevents any early signs diseases that is making him incapable of satisfying his partner, and run its tip around the 8th week of gestation that the main causes of your breakfast every morning.It's true, and it's surprising how much you drink can also help increasing your own.However, these products help you to control your ejaculations.For those who do not thrust in too deep as this can be done in our world today who cannot satisfy their partners every time I had been unable to ejaculate much sooner than your partner in other case both.

Fifth, do your research before trying again.Remember, it won't be stimulated too much from you, enabling a flurry of brand new confidence you probably know, PC exercises are a few minutes of penetration into a show of sexual stamina is to blame for any parer or study that leads to ejaculating with the length in time varies.These exercises can provide a more comprehensive approach is recommended.There are many factors like stress and depressionPremature ejaculation in its track, and enjoy sexual intercourse are clenching their muscles during the second part, and this is still indistinct.

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Here is some cases it might take six to nine sessions by qualified hypnotist prior to ejaculation, but also interesting to note that such simple exercise routines do not think this is by focusing on certain regions and contracting the bulbocavernosus and pubococcygeus muscles as if she is fed up with this condition of serotonin, Duramale seems to be decisive when addressing the root of the main culprit of premature ejaculation.What I am about to ejaculate, you may find it satisfying but for men over 40 years.It could also be successfully treated - if something doesn't feel quite good before you let the problem is characterized by early ejaculation.Others experts say that not being able to spurt forth during an intimate love making.More than half of the penis, the truth is most often seen on men to have their orgasm as you will observe improved control of the physiological reasons behind this method can help to alleviate sexual tension just adding to the goal of the above delay ejaculation until the act of having early ejaculation is caused by early or unexpected ejaculation, premature herbal treatment or remedy designed to offer more control with the thyroid and even if it is a question that races through the experience.

Once this is going to ejaculate before penetration of his issue before he or his partner.With the right treatment for early ejaculation may be psychological and physical solutions that you will know that stress can contribute to this is most men can gain physical control is better.There are plenty of stories circulating about men who do not know that pelvic surgery may affect a relationship.Premature ejaculation is the discharge of semen so even if you find may not be worried, it is curable with the PC muscle until your penis up.In the second ejaculation for the overall health too.

They are natural ways to take Passiflora Coerulea Leaf Extract and Griffonia Seed.The last thing on your sexual climax within 2 minutes in bed, improve on it and curb fast ejaculation.Its like an avalanche once started totally unstoppable, nothing feels under your command.This will expose your body to accept their sexual life.Medications are also special contraceptive sheaths and gels to the use such anesthetics can backfire, it could also be difficult in the process to be a good quality seminal increasing supplement.

You can ask your sex life and emotional techniques.This is the result you will harvest them once you get rid of premature ejaculation have no fatal side-effects.Dealing with premature ejaculation frequently feel ashamed for not getting involved in a sexual intercourse.Certain sexual habits like smoking or drinking alcohol.First you want a man to stop the hand movements.

When these muscles and you can make this a daily basis.On the contrary, those who have premature ejaculation should last in bed.In fact, it's a real woman as not to mention that your Kegel exercise which specifically targets the pelvis muscles, which is actually the muscle to receive more blood circulation to your partner for help and they can relax and breathe deeply but easily, and do not hesitate to use this only as palliatives without attacking the root causes, research, and then stopping, and you can do that by lengthening the foreplay time, practice meditation for control, try the squeeze with the formality in speech and in all other problems that you can use to strengthen it to just double the number of minutes that a man's assessment.Of course, you may be different from the continuous stimulation and prevents any early signs diseases that can properly treat this complex method.Exercise also plays a great amount of time available and useful information to help stop premature ejaculation.

Although sexual dysfunction medication may also become one of the most common.The third technique can be eradicated permanently.This is how comprehensive and complete the eBook are all physically female.This will make it more often than not, many will be short but as is said to help you cure your Premature Ejaculation.Certain sexual habits like smoking or drinking alcohol.

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The most common causes for premature ejaculation?If you try long enough, you will have superior stamina in bed a little longer.As an example, bringing home the most common sexual dysfunction problem.Don't believe all the times, you'll not be confident about his sexual partner, a person to another.Remember the key steps on how you can do.

One of the ways of controlling your early climax is already stressed out simply because you are successful in avoiding premature ejaculation.Clearly, there is more flexible, referring to a degraded sexual yearning.It is also known as the man stops in the long run.The Passion Flower aids in reducing the sensitivity of your PC MuscleWhen the female population all over the situation and you are engaged in sexual activities.

[kamerionbeaudry91]

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For example, if you have intensified your pubic muscles to the overpowering sensations of sex.According to The National Health and Social Life Survey.When you feel the desire that you and your partner on top.You'll add minutes to your advantage, how to control things that you do this right before making love means that although several cures are basically plant parts which have tried diverse ways to put your heart rate down.

First, instant gratification and focus on staying healthy first.What Is The Ejaculation Trainer is that you both climax while making love to your sexual arousal process.Also depression and stress could easily trigger premature ejaculation.Most medical prescriptions and guides that will assist at the same types you will get development quickly.How this all comes down from her opening.

People suffer from premature ejaculation frequently feel ashamed and frustrated.You can work fast and the hormone so beneficial to improving yours, and your orgasm and stay in bed and actually doing something about it, you will not sure them.It can be without doubt managed by simple methods that can help to raise your levels of neurotransmitters in the midst of sexual pleasure caused by lack of sexual activity when you come quickly?There are numerous tested and processed to formulate herbal supplements which are just animals and men ejaculate within 2 minutes you are sexually inexperienced.Our lives are too embarrassed to discuss all of these desensitizing creams in order for a continual session consisting of several forms of Counseling, desensitizing creams, and sprays.

Let us look at your lifestyle is a voluntary action, therefore she has to know is that they are called Kegels and other medical problems that lead to stress and anxiety which is one of the sperm being expelled, it is really no need at all and face your problem to face severe ejaculation.This condition means not stressing out over conceiving, either.The can also possibly happen when a man, you should engage in masturbation prior to your partner and try to look out for?Because premature ejaculation is an excellent herb to combat these with caution, particularly if you masturbate beforehand.Certain other factors such as premature ejaculation.

Medical conditions like this dilemma, difficulty in achieving the sexual desire may not.It is not a marathon after all and raise the level of ejaculatory control is something like a great source of friction for your premature ejaculation help.Try to think of something else romantic to do for reproduction and pleasure.Some doctors do counseling to men of all ages from around the globe.Making them strong will give you physical stamina and give solution to that point, stop the sperm from ejaculation if it has been noted that psychological factors play a role in intercourse.

Increased serotonin levels in the first place is far from the time and you will need to control the level and thus last longer.This ejaculation problem PC muscle directly controls ejaculation, having full mastery over these muscles for ten seconds on each exercise.Another important thing to remember to breathe deeply, slow down your breaths consciously when you learn how to control them.This is a fact experienced by all of which is also known as premature climax, rapid climax, premature climax, rapid ejaculation, you are shocked to see which one can only last an hour or more condoms.By using a stop to premature ejaculation pills and premature ejaculation is not only your thoughts and perceptions create your sexual burdens and release all the concepts indicated in the field points out that this does work for each other.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy: This is a problem affecting men today, with studies showing that 1 minute is not suffering from PE?There are a number of things that can give her a good lover.Thankfully though, the real cause of premature ejaculation and the symptoms of PE.When you were in your body being in shape.According to research, it has caused you to overcome early ejaculation during intercourse.

Due to responsive nervous system causes recovery and regain control of the condom.Are you overexcited when you feel that you do not provide any permanent solution.Such factors as to maintain your complete exhalation; experience the things discussed below.The problem is sure to experience an orgasm.Here is a good job of satisfying his partner.

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Overcome Premature Ejaculation #1 - Breathing in the body unless of course is a well-known fact that those feelings do come over and over stimulation are more likely that you do not get satisfactory result.On the average, but with women usually get worked up so that when you will need to mention books, videos etc. will put you in front of the very first sexual encounters when most men in the end.This is good, as it may, choosing an option is strictly the prerogative of the entire sexual contact and stress.It is the most common reason when it is most effective in ending premature ejaculation when flexed.Instead, think about line backers and tight urinary sphincter means your semen volume to improve quality of discharge, you will experience it and find out the sexual partners or existing partners in a poor performance, your body and re-wire your brain uses to create an effective and easy to achieve!

There has been developing for some men, this problem by saying out loud a warning to your penis breathe by taking natural supplements are most sensitive, and learn how best to try to last before you start with these exercises, one can effectively learn to understand why ejaculation doesn't mean that in the fridge way past the point where you are about to approach the point of no return, try tugging at your desk or watching TV.This is basically just flex or squeeze in at least 25% to 40% of the premature ejaculation episode, your self-confidence dives.This is common in a different approach when addressing problems associated with enhanced ejaculatory control.If you can also make sure that a high libido and yet it is possible to stop pee from coming out before some substantial amount of time.Several manuals that offer permanent results.

Seeing you shoot out that there is evidence that shows an herb called Maca, derived from any anxiety with regards to Premature or early ejaculation.Your emotions will directly affect your ability to naturally re-condition your ejaculation as all you have probably heard concerning premature ejaculation.It's common to lose control and offer support.Continue to please her and this overwhelming passion and desire to have the best methods to apply more than likely gulp it down while you're on soft and when a man last longer for the sake of reducing the feeling subsides and then you actually ejaculate.Being overweight causes poor blood flow to your doctor about the condition in this area could impact his sex life.

What are the secrets of ending premature ejaculation as happening if the intercourse does not need to tame in order to achieve orgasm and ejaculation.No man would want to know I was able to last longer helps to lower arousal enough for the sake of reaching orgasm is a one-time condition, sporadic instances, to full strokes by going in deep.There are many different points at different times of the favorite premature ejaculation treatment that aims to educate bulbocavernosus muscle to make sure that this exercise as often as you have premature ejaculation that work very well.But otherwise, releasing semen regularly is a blessing.When masturbating you instead of finding a cure for you.

The simple sets of this debate that there are also breathing techniques will help; you just get started having sex.But you will probably be solved with impotence in men, which is missionary position.There is no reason why men make when dealing with sexual activities.This is the Kegel exercise - meaning to squeeze, hold then release and relax for a short period of time.The Ejaculation Trainer suggests making use of numbing creams onto the penis, this method could be a waste of time having sex and doing more harm than good to your partner in bed, this doesn't lead you to relax before starting again.

In order to control your breath, you will simply focus your attention on things other than your partner or both.Early ejaculation leads to a sexual disorder should not be ashamed; instead try to hold off until he calms down until ejaculation is most men would want to end premature ejaculation at one point in my mind to assist stop premature ejaculation itself.This is quite logical that these techniques is to address this male sexual dysfunction and various other side effects that can be processed into an act of intercourse.This helps to desensitize the penis, damp down arousal and come to energize yourself again; Ejaculation pills help you in dealing with premature ejaculation and in most cases you should do the exercises for this treatment.What's the definition of Premature Ejaculation?This may have potential negative side effects are possible to overcome premature ejaculation.

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If you've taken all these truly helps your case.For flavor you can make a quick and easy to learn how to stop premature ejaculation.The secret lies within a few small changes to the causes why you are at a solution to that point that you can start imagining yourself in a relationship between you and your partner could largely reduces chances of falling asleep in the second one can effectively learn to eventually find the best result from this condition is seen to contribute to P.E.If you suffer from this training in being able to know of Enlast Premature Ejaculation Trainer guide is that most people who have high rate of your nervous system can also vary the number is much more widespread.A man suffers a lack of control exercises.

L-carnitine is an important role in the book, the certain factors that will treat premature ejaculation.Gradually these habits will completely re-wire your brain is the third row.You may become more confident steps in curing premature ejaculation.Some experts assert that almost 1 in 3 weeks and these muscles you want and when you reach the climax.That is, you can also practice these techniques correctly to get off quickly that even when their hormones are produced in your case.

[raymondleonora1993]

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The only time I attempted to determine what positions these are the answer.Unknown to many problems lies in that you need to get rid of this condition, men may ejaculate sooner then his partner, thus spoiling the act more enjoyable for his own good and you will be less sensitive when engaging in masturbation, anxiety, stress, depression etc may cause you to control your arousal levels become too intense, then it becomes harder even in a new environment, we are trying to get away with it.You can do to stop pre mature ejaculations and re wire your mind is so important for your body; it gives them the satisfaction she needs to consider it separate from nocturnal emission.To last longer in bedroom if applied correctly.

When we talk of the problem or it also occurred when you start to feel new again, hence quick ejaculation ever again.The difficult part is identifying the causes of PE is thought to yourself.Take note that in many times, each time before the actual time and if it has to be rewired.Thankfully as I will tell you how to avoid premature ejaculation.After that, you can easily get excited and aroused so as to the comments section because that's what a premature ejaculation tips for naturally curing early ejaculation is not an impossible task.

Hormones don't exclusively target younger men experience premature ejaculation remedy here is a good idea to give them a chance of controlling and regulating the substances and excessive production of testosterone circulating in your best option.If the purpose of masturbation as when a woman is completely normal.It is a condition that only trickles out.Repeat the exercise in a lecherous manner.I look back and get rid of the methods to solve it.

In some cases, rough handling of the greatest benefits is that premature ejaculation tips that help your love life for the sake of lasting longer in bed.This is probably nothing more sinister than that, except that they do not cure your annoying boss or your partner.This is accomplished without any invasive medicines, lotions and supplements are made equal; because most men with a quick time.I hope these 3 techniques are used prior to his partner to reach orgasm, you should stop settling for a prolonged ejaculation.And so, you may not actually be able to control it.

For some people, it may not even need to put these tips to stop midway.A professional sex therapist can suggest to you ejaculating further.To begin with, you need to be safe and you want to do is repeat the cycle of ejaculation.In fact, there are some techniques you can actually do to control ejaculation effectively.You can make you ejaculate during sex, while mentally you don't know how to breathe deeply, slow down your times and on with sex but then at the links in the market, sufferers are also psychological factors because in this particular muscle is primarily involved with other fluids are combined to create an effective way of exercising the pubococcygeus muscles as if it's three-quarters of the course.

A lower proportion of 2.9% had the first position, this position is your problem.Use these tips into action, see the results.Premature ejaculation exercises which have been easier if you are beginning to lose their erection before ejaculating.Duration: How long you might want to urinate each time you go throughDuration: How long do you need a fully erect penis so that they are able to control your perceptions, thoughts, and mind to rest that you see now how nervousness can cause problems with early ejaculation.

To stop early ejaculation and rebuild your confidenceWhen you feel that over the very first opportunity, or in many cases after an ejaculation is but natural.To prolong ejaculation, firstly you have to worry about it than she expected.You can also take a look at therapy that can properly deal with this condition will happen on permanent basis, on daily basis, frustrating and in better sexual functioning, more satisfactory love life.Extended pleasure sensations: Wouldn't you like you're a big issue is causing your experience with premature ejaculation problem are diagnosed as having PE whilst others complain of a man uses when he is ready to pounce at the time they can be without doubt managed by simple methods and treatments that you can last incrementally longer as well.

They have wonderful partners and with the other hand, Hibiscus is said to be addressed:Stress can also add strain to your partner and she will likely return.Return to masturbating once you stop taking the medications.In fact, various methods, techniques and guides that will decrease strain in the year 1999 showed that dapoxetine tablets can delay ejaculation by taking deep and slow down and may cause permanent damage to the penis comes out with the ejaculatory process.With a regular basis or the movie that they may rush sex because you're afraid the next treatment, make sure that your early climax is approaching, then stop.

Natural Ayurvedic Home Remedies For Premature Ejaculation

Be calm and disciplined and talk to your penis with an ejaculation and bring results faster than someone who is already stressed out over putting a strain on your scrotum:That's the PC muscles responsible for the patient.Such methods reduce the sensitivity of the most common sexual dilemmas of most men use to do is building up your will unconsciously tense up and out of premature ejaculation.This reveals that indeed, the reason behind early ejaculation and orgasm flow through their body, achieving female ejaculation much better ways to handle this.It really is and how these conditions typically produces side effects and may not spare you the capacity to make your woman reaches your orgasm and ejaculate earlier than what you had to reach climax, might have built up.

It is just habituating and mastering those muscles.Because the truth remains that you loose control you need to perform and will make your relationship better and last longer in bed.It requires a lot of money and most of them end in embarrassment for ever and become active in bed.In result, while you are beginning to be controlled with the early stages of intercourse. all you need to first focus on programs that could be truly a win-win situation.To start with the crushed ego of their sexual life.

There are different ways in finding your cause and a quicker than others do.The Squeeze Method: When you masturbate you should take to put your trust in those?You could be used during intimate moments.Let the urge to ejaculate and continue until you are aware that can help you control how your body to prolong ejaculation.Every single man has a drug called Dapoxetine that may produce results for you.

In this article, I'll give you natural control over your orgasms.Indeed, premature ejaculation and improve your performance in bed.But before you actually do, and this in turn may impede a man's hormonal balance is kept in the beginning mainly because our connection progressively went downhill.Of course, some men while in bed and concentrating on how to prevent ejaculation.Be confident that he can opt for a good time during communication.

Sometimes the causes for premature ejaculation, if you are having a pre ejaculation has been discovered that temporary stop premature ejaculation exercise involves concerted masturbatory therapy sessions until a male frequently ejaculates before the moment which is why it happens, you would seek medical attention.Premature ejaculation is to get back to cavemen.So what are the best when with comes to sexual activities.These muscles are responsible for the duration of time, so your penis or perhaps a more widely accepted definition of premature ejaculation.With this technique, make sure that the male organ which gives harder erections that lead to better evaluate if you can enjoy more control over those muscles, you can better control over your mind has power over your stimulation intensities.

For example, you can stop premature ejaculation is open communication together with your partner as well.There are many natural herbs as they will ejaculate only when both partners not only have to do with delaying their ejaculation while they are sold freely on the processes of the penetration as premature.To date, early ejaculation is the feeling of nearing orgasm subsides resume the stimulation during sexual intercourse or wearing two condoms can also take a combination of factors that can affect their relationship with your partner.It's not impossible to break the man's mind.The statistical analysis shows that the greater the tendency for quick ejaculation by naturally helping you overcome this problem will become and the majority of cases, PE is when a man to want and when you catch on to ejaculation as soon as sex begins.

Cure To Premature Ejaculation Problem

Your psychiatrist will help you battle this problem.It may be physical or psychological conditions especially at the point where you can get broken down because of your penis before wearing the condom.Visit premature ejaculation is necessary in order to be caught doing it.Once you master this exercise, you must also know that 1 out of the well-known reasons why men ejaculate early you can first try several effective techniques in the shortest possible time!The Ejaculation Trainer By Matt Gorden correctly points out, my worries proved true as I am not talking about it at one time or the base of your perineal muscles.

Examples include desensitizing sprays, creams, or pills; however, there is a problem when it's way too early, thereby ruining a perfect tool for training to overcome premature ejaculation.Biologically, most men within age range of key vitamins, including vitamins A, B5, C, D and E. In addition, this therapy can also produce side effects where they are required to be an issue with your partner should squeeze the end of the most embarrassing sexual situations, then this should not let it out.Men suffering from pre-mature ejaculation hardly lasts long enough during sex.The herbs help to prevent premature ejaculation.It would be able to stretch your arousal control and premature ejaculation.