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soobiniebaby · 4 years

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Angels & Devils Part VIII : I Don’t Wanna Be Just Friends

Tomorrow x Together Fanfiction

~ p a r t s : main post || prologue || part 1 || part 2 || part 3 || part 4 || part 5 || part 6 || part 7 || part 8 || part 9 || part 10 || part 11 || part 12 || part 13 || part 14 || part 15 || part 16 || part 17 ~ p a i r i n g : love triangle involving choi soobin and choi yeonjun ~ g e n r e : high school au | some social media au | some fluff & angst | childhood friends | love triangle ~ l a n g u a g e : English ~ w a r n i n g : contains swearing, alcohol, kissing (?) and may contain mature themes (angst, etc.) ~ a / n : This will be my first fanfic (go easy on me pls) and i’m just writing this as I go along, so bear with me juseyo The setting (place/country) of the story is up to the reader’s interpretation ~ s u m m a r y : What should she choose? Han Baby: the new girl with a troubled past MO Academy: her new high school Choi Soobin: student council president, member of the Ecosave club, volunteer at the Humane Treatment of Animals, member of the Honor Society, a vocalist in the Jazzed club, the school’s all around golden boy Choi Yeonjun: leader of the Dance club, star of the Jazzed club, the school’s it boy with a bad rep 5 best friends, 1 new girl, 1 childhood friendship, 1 epic love triangle? What will this school year bring?

It had been 13 days now since Kai’s birthday party. 13 days since Yeonjun had asked her out, and so far she’s done a good job at making sure that things between them wouldn’t change. All it took was to avoid being alone with him.

At first, she was convinced that both of them would move on from Kai’s party as if nothing had happened between them, that is, until he made it a point to keep his eyes on her while he was performing onstage, even giving her a wink or two. That simple gesture flustered her so much that she made sure to never find herself alone with the blue haired boy again. Ryujin’s “Looks like Choi Yeonjun’s got his eye on you” remark didn’t help either. And it definitely didn’t help that she often caught Yeonjun looking at her, though she could never bring herself to meet her gaze, afraid that she might get even more confused than she already was.

During their daily lunches at the gazebo and their trips to Kang’s Kafe after school, she made sure that she always had Kai by her side. During the one class that she shared with Yeonjun, she made sure that Soobin was seated between them. On Saturday, 7 days after Kai’s party, the boys had invited her to hang out at Soobin’s house and still she was able to avoid being alone with Yeonjun, gluing herself to Kai’s side the whole time. She wasn’t avoiding Yeonjun per se, she still talked to him when necessary. She just wanted to make sure that no line would be crossed between them, that there would be no opportunities for him to leave her any more flustered than she already was. She wanted to wait until thinking back to the moment he winked at her onstage didn’t make her heart race or her cheeks heat up anymore.

She had managed to maintain her daily routine of walking to school with Taehyun, attending classes, going to Kang’s Kafe with the gang, and walking home perfectly fine until today.

Friday.

Friday was quickly becoming her favorite school day. First of all, it was their washday, so she could get dressed up and look pretty if she wanted to instead of having to wear the same uniform everyday. Second, ever since she joined the HTA club, she’s been able to spend most of the afternoon surrounded by the cats and dogs within the campus grounds. It wasn’t all cuddles and pets, since the club was responsible for caring for the animals, they also had to clean up after them, made sure their feeding stations were never empty, and ensure that all the animals were in good shape. Luckily the workload wasn’t too bad since Soobin and the rest of the club members were all very attached to the animals under their care.

She had also gotten much closer with the rest of the boys, especially with Soobin since they spent a lot of time at the HTA together, and they were constantly taking pictures of each other so they’d have content to post for their creative writing class project. Unsurprisingly, their social media posts for the week both included cats under the care of the HTA club.

This Friday morning, 13 days after Kai’s birthday party, B woke up as usual to the sound of her phone alarming. What was unusual, however, was how heavy her body felt when she turned over in bed to shut the alarm off, and how chilly she felt even though her body was drenched in sweat. She came down with a bit of a cold the night before and she figured a night of good sleep would make it disappear, but clearly she was wrong.

She dragged herself out her bed and started getting ready for school, taking a cool shower and getting dressed. Due to how out of sync her body felt, she didn’t have the appetite to eat breakfast or the energy to care about how she looked, so she quickly swiped some tint on her lips and cheeks. She saw a couple of red spots on her chin and thought about whether or not she should cover them up with concealer, but she noticed that the spots felt itchy and she was afraid that covering them up with makeup would irritate them more so she left them alone. She threw on a sweater and jeans before willing herself to step out of her apartment and meet Taehyun downstairs.

“Wow, B.” Taehyun says as she meets him outside, staring at her with a strange look on his face. “And I don’t mean that in a good way.” he says, concerned now. Last Friday, she had made an effort to look nice. Her face was vibrant and her outfit choice was stylish. Now, she looked a little worse for wear, and she looked tired, as she stood slouched over with her arms folded across her chest. “Are you…okay?”

B nods. “I’m fine. I just skipped breakfast, I’ll get something to eat after homeroom.” she said, thankful that they didn’t have any classes for the day. She told herself that she just had to survive homeroom, get some food to energize herself, and then she’d be able to power through the rest of the day.

“Are you sure?” Taehyun asks, taking a step closer towards her so he could examine her properly. “You look kind of pale.”

B gives him a look. “It’s just cause I didn’t put on makeup.” she says dismissively. “And I didn’t eat breakfast, but I promise I’m good. Let’s go.”

Taehyun gives her one last look of concern before turning away. “Alright, let’s go.”

•°•

Homeroom was a drag. Attendance was required, but the whole thing felt like a waste of time. It was supposed to be used by the class advisers to discuss school policies or events, but their teacher didn’t seem to have anything to discuss. B spent the first 30 minutes of the period with her head buried in her arms, lying down on her desk.

“Hey Tyun,” Kai whispers. “What happened to Baba? Is she okay?”

“She seemed a bit off when we were walking to school. She was quiet, and she looked really tired. I asked her if she was okay before we left, and all she told me is that she didn’t have breakfast and that she was fine.” Taehyun confesses. “You got any food with you right now?”

Kai shakes his head. “I always have breakfast before I go, no matter how late I’m running. Do you have anything?”

Taehyun reaches into his bag and pulls out a brown paper bag. “My mom always packs me a couple of sandwiches, just in case.”

The 2 boys smile at each other and nod before each laying a hand on B’s shoulders.

“Baba, hey, wake up.” Kai says, gently squeezing her shoulder.

B turns her head in her arms to face the boys, not sitting up. “Hm?” she mumbles.

“You said you skipped breakfast, right? Are you hungry?” Kai asks.

“I have a couple of sandwiches here, you can eat them right now if you want to.” Taehyun says soothingly, gently squeezing her shoulder.

“No, it’s fine, you should eat them. But thanks, Tyun.” B says, giving him a weak smile.

“Baba, c’mon, you should at least eat something.” Kai says. “No offense, but you kinda look like a corpse.”

“Gee, thanks.” she responds dryly. “You know what, it’s cause I didn’t wear makeup. I’ll just go to the restroom and freshen up real quick.” she says, reaching into her bag and pulling out a small makeup bag. She stands up and glares at Kai before saying “I’ll be back.”

She walks up to the class adviser’s table and asks for permission to go to the bathroom before exiting the room.

“Dude. Seriously.” Taehyun says, turning to Kai and whacking his arm. “Did you really have to tell her that she looked like a corpse? All I wanted was for her to take the sandwiches.”

Kai just shrugs. “Hey I was just stating facts. I thought it would motivate her to eat, I didn’t think she’d bring out her makeup bag.”

“You’re an idiot. You better apologize to her when she gets back.” Taehyun says, shaking his head at the boy.

Except B never returned to class.

•°•

Yeonjun walked down the hall, his hands in his pockets and his head full of thoughts.

Fridays were one of the busiest days of the week for him. First, as president of the dance club, he had to finalize club activities before the end of homeroom, and since they had new members, they would be focusing more on introductions. Next, he had to consider his role in the Jazzed club. They were impressed with the rapping he did during the showcase on club recruitment day and they wanted him to assemble a small group of members and start a rap line within the club, so he had to figure out which members had potential and how to develop the skills needed to be a rapper. Lastly, there would be the weekly family dinner he’d be having with his parents for the night.

It was going to be a long day. He decided to take a break from planning out his day during homeroom and walk around the hall to stretch his legs for a bit. He was on his way back to his classroom when he saw a familiar face coming out of the women’s restrooms.

He smiled as he saw Baby step out, her arms folded across her chest cradling a small makeup bag, her eyes on the ground. She was wearing an oversized sweater and a plain pair of jeans, but he noticed her face was done up really nicely. Without even thinking about it, he found his feet begin to change direction, walking towards her now. It was the first time he’d seen her alone in the past few days, so he figured he’d grab the chance.

“Hey, Baby.” he called, as he was about 10 feet away from her now. She didn’t seem to hear him, cause she still had her eyes on the ground as she took slow steps. He decided to call her again.

“Baby?” he says a little bit louder as he comes closer. She looks up at him then, and he notices how blank her eyes looked. She looked dazed, as if she were lost and confused.

As her blank eyes meet his, she opens her mouth and says “Yeonjun?” before her vision goes blurry and she stumbles backwards.

Yeonjun manages to rush to her side and gets a grip on her shoulders before she loses her footing and her body crashes against his.

“Whoa there, are you okay?” he asks, as his hand brushes against her neck, he notices that she was burning up. “Baby? You’re burning up.” he says, looking at her with concern. She had her eyes closed and was breathing heavily. “I’m taking you to the clinic.” he says, positioning her properly, cradling her in his arms before lifting her off the ground.

“Hold on, Baby. I’ve got you.” he says, securing her on his back before making his way to the clinic.

•°•

Yeonjun puts his phone back in his pocket and runs a hand through his hair. He sat in silence, counting the number of tiles on the floor, before the school nurse called for him.

“Mr. Choi?” the nurse calls.

He stands up immediately and enters the room that the nurse had put Baby in, knocking on the door before stepping in.

“Yes, nurse Sunwoo?” he says, standing by the door. Baby was asleep on the bed, and the school nurse was standing beside her with a clipboard in his hands.

“Is Ms. Han a friend of yours? It looks like she’ll have to be sent home. She has a high fever, her temperature’s 38.9 degrees Celsius, so it’s standard protocol that we send home students with fevers.” nurse Sunwoo explains.

Yeonjun nods. “Alright, sir, will you fill up a form? I’d gladly take it to her adviser, and I can also take her things from her classroom and get her a ride home.”

“Yes, I’ve already filled up a form for Ms. Han, and I’ll fill up a form that will explain your absence from homeroom so you can get her a ride home. You’re still expected to return to school afterwards, though.” nurse Sunwoo says. “But first, I have to ask, have you ever had the chicken pox before?”

Yeonjun’s eyes widen and his mind goes blank. The chicken pox? He takes a moment to think about it before answering “Yes, I had it when I was 3 years old.”

“That’s good.” nurse Sunwoo says, sighing in relief. “I’ve noticed that Ms. Han appears to have some rashes spreading across her face and neck. The school doctor isn’t in today so I can’t be too sure, but I looks like she might have Varicella, so it’s best that she avoids contact with other students just in case there might be someone who hasn’t had the chicken pox before. It’s a highly contagious disease, so it could spread quickly. Judging by her symptoms now, she probably contracted the disease about 2 weeks ago.”

Oh no, could it be? “We had a social gathering about 2 weeks ago. Do you think she could have picked it up from someone there?” Yeonjun asks.

“Again, I’m not a doctor so I can’t officially diagnose her. But if it is Varicella, then yes, it’s highly possible that someone at that party had it or at least came in contact with someone who had it and became a carrier.” nurse Sunwoo explains. “If other students were present at that gathering, then we’re likely to see more cases of this soon.”

Yeonjun nods. “I understand, Sir, and I’ll warn my friends about it too.”

“I suggest Ms. Han contact her family doctor so that she can be properly diagnosed as well.” Nurse Sunwoo says before handing Yeonjun the forms. “Submit this to Ms. Han’s class adviser and collect her things. Come back here and I’ll help you with transporting Ms. Han to her ride home. Once you’ve secured her safely in her home, come back to school and present this form to your class adviser.”

“Will do, thank you, Sir Sunwoo.” Yeonjun says, taking the forms. “Oh, a friend of ours says he’ll be stopping by the clinic to visit her, if it’s okay.”

Nurse Sunwoo shakes his head. “She may be highly contagious, so before any of your friends plan any visits, please make sure that they’ve already contracted the chicken pox before. Otherwise, they have a high risk of getting infected as well.”

Yeonjun nods and thanks the nurse once again before leaving, whipping out his phone to text the guys while he walked to her classroom.

After texting the guys, he sends a quick text to his driver as well.

Once he reaches her classroom, he knocks twice before entering the room and walking straight to the adviser’s desk. He could already hear the whispers from the class as he informed the adviser of Baby’s condition and gave him the clinic form. The adviser simply says “I hope Ms. Han recovers soon.” and signs the form before handing it back to Yeonjun. “You’ll find her things over there, she was seated in between Mr. Kang and Mr. Huening.”

Yeonjun thanks the adviser before making his way to her seat and collecting her things.

“Pst, Yeonjun.” Kai whispers. “Is it really chicken pox? How is she?”

“Nurse Sunwoo said he suspects it’s chicken pox, but he couldn’t be too sure since the school doctor isn’t in today, so it would be best if Baby contacts her family doctor.” Yeonjun says quietly, making sure no one else but Kai and Taehyun could hear him. “She fainted when I saw her, and when I left she was asleep in the clinic.”

“I hope she’s okay. I really should’ve known she wasn’t okay before we left this morning.” Taehyun said, a frown on his face.

Kai puts a hand on Taehyun’s back. “Tyun, seriously, this isn’t your fault. Thanks to you, she made it to school safely.” he says comfortingly.

“Thanks, Hyuka. I wish we could visit her though, make sure she’s okay.” Taehyun says wistfully.

“If you want the chicken pox, feel free to visit her then.” Yeonjun says, trying to lighten the mood. “I’ll just take her things then I’ll bring her home. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of her for now.” he says, clapping the 2 boys on their backs before excusing himself from the room.

Yeonjun heads back to the clinic and Nurse Sunwoo helps him bring Baby in a wheelchair to the north quadrangle, where sure enough, his driver was waiting for him. His driver opens the backseat and helps Yeonjun with loading the girl into the car. Yeonjun thanks the school nurse once again before entering the vehicle himself.

“Where to, sir Yeonjun?” the driver asks as they pull out of the campus.

“You know Kang’s Kafe, right Hwall? We’re taking her home to her apartment, it’s in the building across the café.” Yeonjun says. “This is Han Baby, by the way. She’s a friend of mine.”

“Alright, Sir Yeonjun.” Hwall simply says. “Will you be staying at her apartment for the rest of the day?”

Yeonjun shakes his head. “We’ll just be dropping her off, I have to be back at school for the afternoon.”

“Seems a bit dangerous to leave her alone in this state, sir.” Hwall comments. “Your friend doesn’t look like she’s in the best condition. Is she sick?”

Yeonjun nods. “She fainted and has a high fever. I wish I could stay and make sure she’ll be okay, but I have no choice. If I don’t go back and submit this form, then I’ll have an unexcused absence, which my father might hear about.” he says with a hint of bitterness. Yeonjun’s personal driver, Hwall, was one of the few staff members hired by his family that he trusted, so he felt safe confiding in Hwall about his problems.

“Whatever the situation, I’m sure you’ll handle it well, sir.” Hwall simply says, knowing Yeonjun.

Just then, the car takes a sharp turn, and Baby’s position shifts, somehow ending up with her head on Yeonjun’s lap. He tries to inch away from her so that her head would land on the car seat instead, but he was surprised when she reached out and grabbed the fabric of his jeans, causing him to freeze in place. He looks down at her and sees that she’s still fast asleep. He lets out a small smile and rests a hand on the top of her head, caressing her hair carefully. He snaps a quick picture before sending an update to the boys.

He ignores Taehyun’s message and locks his phone, tilting his head back, thinking carefully about what he should do for the rest of the day.

His gut told him that he shouldn’t leave her alone, at least not in her current condition, and he felt like simply making sure she got home safe wouldn’t be enough. He wanted to spend the afternoon watching over her, to contact her family doctor and have him come over to examine her, to stay by her side and make sure she wouldn’t wake up alone.

On the other hand, if he did skip school for the rest of the day, he’d fail to submit his excuse slip, and that would be another unexcused absence in his record.

He sighed, looking down at the girl sleeping on his lap, wondering if he should choose his head over his heart.

•°•

When B wakes up and opens her eyes, she’s surprised when she sees nothing, her view obstructed by something covering her face. She lifts a hand up to reach over her face, removing whatever was obstructing her view. She grabs it and realizes that it’s a face towel, and it was slightly damp. Why did she have a towel on her head?

She turns over in her bed, blindly reaching over the sheets in search of her phone, but she’s surprised when her hand comes in contact with hair. Human hair.

Was there someone else in her bed?

Her eyes immediately widen as she pulls her hand away and attempts to scramble away, but instead she ends up rolling over until she falls over the side of the bed, hitting the floor with a thud.

“Ouch.” she says out loud, rubbing her the spot on her head that met the heaviest impact with the floor. Once she realizes that no one else had made a sound, she starts to sit up, slowly peeking over the sheets to catch a glimpse of whoever might be on the other side of the bed.

She’s surprised when she sees a head of blue hair, and she immediately stands up to get a better look.

It was Yeonjun. He was sitting on the floor at the other side of the bed, but he seemed to have fallen asleep, his head resting in his arms, which were folded across the bed.

B could feel her heartbeat start to quicken as she started to panic. Why wasn’t she at school? When and how did she get home? Why was Yeonjun here? Why was she alone with Yeonjun in her apartment?

She weighed her options. She could either wake him up and get the answers to all her questions, or she could simply sneak out of her apartment and continue to avoid him like she had been the past 2 weeks.

She sighed, knowing what she had to do. She got back on the bed and started to slowly crawl towards him, carefully putting a hand on his arm and gently shaking it.

“Yeonjun?” she says. “Yeonjun, wake up.”

To her surprise, the blue-haired boy stretches his arms out on the bed, gripping the sheets tightly for a second before he relaxes and lifts his head up, and for what felt like the first time in 2 weeks, their eyes meet.

And just like that, she could feel the butterflies in her stomach start to flutter about again.

“Hey Baby, sorry I fell asleep.” Yeonjun says casually, sitting up on the floor. “Oh god, what time is it? I hope I wasn’t asleep for too long.” he says, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“It’s fine, no need to apologize. It’s 4pm right now.” she says kindly, checking her watch. “Um, Yeonjun?”

“Yes?” he asks innocently, his mouth quirked up in a smirk.

“How did we end up here exactly?” she asks. “What happened?”

Then Yeonjun filled her in. He told her about how she passed out in the hallway and he brought her to the school clinic, how the school nurse said she might have the chicken pox and she had to be sent home cause of her high fever, how Yeonjun brought her home, how Yeonjun found the number for her family doctor and had him come for a home visit, how the doctor confirmed that she did indeed have chicken pox and she would have to stay home for at least a week, and how Yeonjun watched over her the whole time.

How he carried her from his car all the way up to her apartment, how he removed her shoes before tucking her into bed, how he put a damp face towel over her forehead and replaced it every hour, how he checked her temperature every 30 minutes to see if her fever had died down yet and how relieved he was when it finally did, how he had constantly sent the other guys updates on how she was doing, how he had ordered food to be delivered to her apartment just in case she woke up hungry, and how he had fallen asleep while sitting on the floor.

How he had taken care of her the whole time, yet B pushed the thought of Yeonjun doing all that for her to the back of her mind.

“I have the chicken pox? Oh god oh god, I’m gonna have to miss school for a week?” B says, her head drowning from the sudden heavy load of information. “Why are you here, though? Did you skip school? Where are the other guys?” she asks.

“Yes, you have the chicken pox and yes, your doctor says you can’t leave your house for at least a week, depending on how fast you recover, so he’ll be checking up on you again in a couple of days. Lucky for me, I had chicken pox when I was 3 years old so now I’m immune, and unlucky for them, none of the other guys have had chicken pox before so they can’t really be here right now.” Yeonjun says, skipping over her question about him skipping school. “So it’s just you and me.”

B bites her lip, overwhelmed by the whole situation. It wasn’t even the fact that she had chicken pox that was made her nervous or the fact that she’d be missing a week of school, it was the fact that she was now alone with the boy she had been trying to avoid for the past 2 weeks, and the fact that she couldn’t have Kai or the rest of the guys come over so she could keep distancing herself from Yeonjun. It was the fact that she knew that she couldn’t keep avoiding him any longer. “So it’s just you and me.” she repeats.

Yeonjun smiles. “Lucky for me, unlucky for you, isn’t it?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asks suspiciously.

“Baby, come on. You’ve been avoiding me for the past 2 weeks, right?” Yeonjun asks point blank. “And let’s face it, I’ve been waiting to get a moment alone with you for the past 2 weeks. So this situation right now is lucky for me, and unlucky for you.”

“I haven’t been avoiding you.” she says weakly, caught off guard by how direct he was being.

Yeonjun shakes his head. “It’s okay, Baby. I guess I put pressure on you. If anything, it’s my fault that you felt so uncomfortable that you had to start avoiding me.”

“It’s not that, Yeonjun.” she protests. Upon seeing the confused look on his face, she bit her lip. Time to face the truth head on. “I’ll admit that I have been avoiding you, but it wasn’t cause I was uncomfortable with you.”

“Oh? Why then?” Yeonjun asks. “You know it hurts, right? It hurt to see that you never wanted to sit beside me, that you were purposefully avoiding talking to me, that you didn’t want to be alone with me, that you wouldn’t even look at me. I thought I lost a friend. I thought I lost you.” he admits, looking at her intently. “The past 2 weeks hurt.”

B felt an ache in her chest. She was so caught up in her own feelings and so engrossed in avoiding him that she didn’t realize what it might’ve been like for him. “Yeonjun, I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” B says, climbing off the bed and sitting down beside him on the floor. “And it wasn’t your fault. It was just me, avoiding you and blocking you out like I did, it was all just me being stupid. I got so caught up in my own thoughts that I didn’t even think about how it might have affected you or our friendship.” She puts her hand on his comfortingly. “I hope you know that I really don’t want to lose you, and I didn’t want to lose our friendship.”

He takes her hand, intertwining their fingers, and gives her a small smile. “And you know I really don’t want to lose you either. So why? Why have you been avoiding me?”

B takes a deep breath, bracing herself for what might happen once she told him the truth. “It’s because I was confused. To be honest, when you performed on club recruitment day and winked at me onstage, it felt like butterflies were born in my stomach that day, and I’ve been trying to keep them from fluttering around but they just seem to keep multiplying.”

Yeonjun smiles. “So I gave you butterflies.” he states.

B nods. “Yes, but after turning you down, those butterflies were very confusing. I told myself that it was nothing, and I figured that as long as I didn’t see you or talk you or even sit beside you, the butterflies would die out and our friendship would be saved. But I guess I was so afraid of losing our friendship that I ended up slowly destroying it, pushing you away and hurting you in the process.”

“But why were you so afraid? I get that you wanted to keep our friendship above all else, that’s the main reason why you turned me down in the first place, right?” Yeonjun asks. “But why were you so afraid? Why did you feel the need to stay away from me?”

“I was afraid that if I were to have a moment alone with you, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I was afraid that if I looked at you for too long, the butterflies in my stomach would consume me completely. I was afraid that if I talked to you, I’d turn into a blubbering mess because you get me so flustered. I was afraid that if I sat beside you, my heart would start to pound so loud that you’d be able to hear it.” B takes a deep breath before continuing, her voice starting to shake. “I guess I was afraid because deep down, I knew I wasn’t confused. I was just too chickenshit to admit it, even to myself, but I think I was really afraid because a part of me knew that I had feelings for you.”

There’s a moment of silence as B’s words come pouring out. Yeonjun stays quiet, comfortingly tracing circles on her hand with his thumb while she collects her thoughts, putting them together and letting them pour out.

“I was afraid because I had feelings for you, and I was afraid that being alone with you would drive me crazy. But I feel like I’ve been going crazy anyway, ever since that night in the shed, I can’t seem to think straight anymore.” B confesses.

“You were afraid because you had feelings for me?” Yeonjun asks. “Had?”

B shakes her head. “Have. I’m afraid because I have feelings for you.” she clarifies.

“You know since then, I had the next 2 weeks planned out, right?” Yeonjun starts. “I told myself I had 2 weeks to change your mind, and I had it all planned out, starting with dazzling you during our performance on club recruitment day. But damn it, you never gave me a chance.”

“What do you mean?” B asks, confused.

“You started avoiding me, remember?” Yeonjun laughs, the mood feeling lighter after B finally unloaded all her thoughts. “This” he says, holding up their hands, which were still intertwined, “is the closest I’ve been to you these past 2 weeks. At first, I thought I’d fucked up, and I was ready to give up. But then I told myself that I’d try it one more time, give it one more shot, before I leave it alone forever.”

“What are you talking about? Give what one more shot?” B asks again. After finally letting go of the thoughts swirling around in her for the past 2 weeks, she was a little overwhelmed.

Yeonjun turns to face her then, looking right at her. He sighs as he says, “Let me make this perfectly clear. I have not been able to stop thinking about you since that night in the shed. Those 7 minutes kept replaying in my mind, and it killed me that I never got to spend another minute alone with you again. If I had known that those 7 minutes would’ve haunted me for the next 2 weeks of my life, I would’ve...” he says, trailing off when his eyes quickly dart to her lips. “Well, let’s just say I would’ve made those 7 minutes something worth remembering.”

B lets out an “Oh.” and starts blushing profusely.

Upon seeing her reaction, he laughs and squeezes his eyes shut. She was too god damn cute. After shaking his head and telling himself to focus, he continues. “Anyway, after you turned me down, I promised myself that I would try harder. I gave myself 2 weeks to do anything to change your mind, I was ready to fully turn on my charm, to show you that I was someone worth dating, and to show you that our friendship is just as important to me as it is to you. But then you started to ignore me, and I was about to give up and accept that you’d never be interested in going out with me, but then I told myself that if I didn’t try at least one more time, if I didn’t give it one more shot, I would’ve regretted it for the rest of my life.” he says sincerely.

B stays quiet, trying to absorb everything she was hearing. Yeonjun continues, moving even closer, her hand still grasped tightly in his.

“To be completely honest here, I have not enjoyed a conversation with any girl as much as I enjoyed those 7 minutes with you, and I want so much more than those 7 minutes. I want to take you out, I want to give you all the good things I know you deserve, I want to get to know you as much as I can. Yes, I want to be your friend, but God Baby, I don’t know if I can go on like this for much longer because being friends means staying platonic and I want you so much more than that.” he says intensely, lifting her hand up to his chest, right to where he could feel his heartbeat. “I want to show you who I am, I want to know who you are, and I want to be what you deserve. If you’ll let me.”

He hadn’t taken his eyes off her the whole time, but B took a moment to close her eyes and try to clear her thoughts. She didn’t know what to expect when she woke up this morning, but this definitely wasn’t it. As hard as it was, she was glad to finally express her feelings, like a heavy weight had been lifted off her shoulders. But after hearing everything Yeonjun just said, she could feel her heartbeat speeding up once again.

“Baby?” Yeonjun whispers after a moment of silence, looking at her intently. He was so close to her that she could clearly see the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, her own breathing getting heavier the more he inched closer.

“Yes?” she finally asks, her heart pounding out of her chest as she kept her eyes downward. She couldn’t bring herself to look him in the eye, because if she did, she felt like she would combust in front of him, like the butterflies she felt in her stomach would suddenly explode all at once.

“Baby.” he says again. Only this time, he bravely puts a finger under her chin and lifts her face up so that he could get a better look at her.

B lets out a deep breath and braces herself, knowing there was nowhere to hide now. She let her eyes slowly trail upwards from his chin, her heart skipping a beat when her eyes caught sight of his lips, up to his nose, and finally to his eyes. She was so struck by the intensity when her gaze finally met his that she felt her breath hitch once their eyes met.

He shifted his hand, sliding it further into her neck, from one finger under her chin to his whole palm against her skin, his fingers cradling the back of her neck as his thumb traced slow circles along her jaw. “Look at me.” he says softly.

“Yes?” she finally manages to say out loud, though it came out as a whisper.

The corners of Yeonjun’s mouth tip upwards in a small smile. He leans in closer again, his eyes never leaving hers, until he was so close that their noses were almost touching.

“Will you go out with me?” he whispers, his warmth breath mingling with hers, the tips of their noses gently brushing against each other with every word spoken. “Please?”

B lets out a deep breath, unable to keep her voice steady as she says “Yeonjun…” not really knowing what else to say.

Feeling her breath so close to his mouth, Yeonjun’s eyes flutter downwards, catching a glimpse of her lips, before he says “Fuck it” and pulls her face towards his, their lips finally crashing together.

B could feel a thousand butterflies in her stomach collectively combust as his lips meet hers. Her eyes close as she immediately responds and kisses him back, giving in to him. Her hands reach up to his chest, and she gently grabs his shirt in her fists.

Yeonjun takes it well, and he brings his other hand up to cup her face, holding it in place as his fingers entwined themselves in her hair, further tilting her head back for better access.

B could feel her whole body weaken, as if she were melting in his hands. Her hands relax as she lets go of his shirt and simply lays her palms against his chest, sliding them up to his shoulders and finally to his neck, her fingers tracing his sharp jaw.

Yeonjun pulls away then, separating their mouths. To his surprise, he was breathing heavily, his own heart pounding so loud he could hear it roaring in his ears. He looked at her with a mixture of confusion and wonder, his hands still cupping her face. What was this girl doing to him?

There’s a moment of silence as they simply stare at each other, the sounds of their heavy breathing filling the room. Yeonjun’s eyes earnestly search hers for any sign of how she was feeling, hoping he didn’t overstep his boundaries or make her feel uncomfortable. He didn’t mean to kiss her so suddenly, but after pouring his heart out, he couldn’t hold himself back any longer.

Meanwhile, her eyes were fixated on his, her thumbs absentmindedly tracing circles on his jaw, her fingers tickling the hair on the back of his neck. It took her a moment to realize that Yeonjun really kissed her and that she kissed him back, and she was starting to become lightheaded, as if she were intoxicated.

“Yeonjun?” she says, finally breaking the silence.

“Yes, Baby?” he asks softly, his gaze never leaving hers.

She offers him a small smile before saying, “Yes. I’ll go out with you.”

Upon finally hearing her say yes, Yeonjun lets out a big smile, unable to stop himself. “Really?” He asks as he savors the moment, staring at her eyes and her lips trying to memorize every little detail, reveling in how small and fragile she felt as he cradled her face in his hands, marveling at the heat of her skin under his palms, and once again going breathless at the memory of their kiss.

She laughs a little as he smiles, noticing how his whole face lit up as soon as she said yes. “You happy now?” she asks.

“You know I’m always happy when I’m with you, right?” he says, smiling at her cheekily.

“And you know I have chicken pox, right?” she says teasingly.

“And you know I’ve had them before, right? I’m immune for life.” he reminds her.

“Okay, quick question then, how will you take me out if I’m sick and can’t leave my house for at least a week?” B asks. “Both of us have been struggling for the past 2 weeks and now that we’re finally here, I can’t even go out.” she laughs sheepishly.

“Funny though, if you never got the chicken pox, I don’t think we’d get to where we are now. You and me, dating.” he says sweetly. “Well, dates don’t always mean going to the movies or fancy restaurants.” Yeonjun begins. “I mean, we can always just stay here, hang out, maybe get a repeat of that kiss earlier.” he says, wiggling his eyebrows at her.

She smacks his arm, suddenly flustered again, her cheeks going red.

“I’m serious! How will we be dating if I can’t even leave my apartment?” B asks.

Yeonjun just smiles at her then. “Don’t worry, I’ve already got something in mind. You’ll see.” he says with a glint in his eye.

When she gives him a confused look, he laughs and pulls her in closer again, brushing the hair away from her face before planting a gentle kiss on her forehead. He keeps her close, resting his chin on the top of her head, her scent making him wish he’d never have to leave.

“Thanks for saying yes, Baby.” he whispers, his lips moving against her hair.

B reaches up and takes on of his hands in hers, letting out a sigh. “I don’t think I could ever say no to you again, Yeonjun.” she says, smiling.

Yeonjun smiles, pulling away for a second, only to put a finger under her chin and tilt her head backwards, leaning in so he could kiss her once again.

“Uh, Yeonjun?” B starts again. “Quick question. Should we tell the guys that we’re dating now?”

Yeonjun leans back, thinking it over. “Well, I guess it’s something they should know about since they’re our friends.” he says rationally. “Do you want to tell them?”

As much as she wanted to believe that their friendship wouldn’t end up crashing and burning if things between them didn’t work out, she was still very worried about it. “How about we wait until I’ve recovered and I’m medically cleared to go back to school and see the guys again?” she suggests. “Let’s see how things turn out by the end of the week.”

Yeonjun nods, smiling at her. “Deal.” he says, once again planting a kiss on her forehead.

And to him, it didn’t matter that he skipped school for the afternoon just to look after her, it didn’t matter that he’d have an unexcused absent in his school records, it didn’t matter that he had to constantly text and call different club officers from the Dance club and Jazzed that day to give them instructions while he was away, it didn’t matter that he’d have to sit through another family dinner with his parents later that night. If going through all that meant he’d get to spend this one moment with her in his arms, he knew he’d do it all again in a heartbeat.

°•°

Author’s note: Quick question, dear readers... How do you feel about kissing scenes? I hope no one here is uncomfortable with graphic/detailed kissing scenes because there may be more coming up soon, especially since the characters in the fic are highschool students. Thank you for the likes and especially the comments! Reading comments motivates me to write more because it feels nice to know that people are enjoying my work. :)

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covid-school · 3 years

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The Student COVID Experience

I followed a YES Prep Southside GIANT for an entire day to see life through the eyes of a student.

At this point in the year, we’ve tried to normalize certain practices and routines, but truth is it’s just not the same. School during C*VID is...weird. I know the teacher and leader side of COVID school and its experience, but I decided to (and kind of had to) engage in a student shadowing activity to see what a student experiences and what first hand thoughts I’d experience. Below is a re-cap and reflection.

A Day in the Life of Angel, an in-person eleventh grade student at YES Prep Southside:

Approximately 8:00 a.m., Angel and I arrive to school. In the car drop-off line, Angel and I both are required to have our temperatures taken.

After we arrive, we stand outside (6 feet a part of course), and wait until 8:30.

The school doors officially open, and we start heading towards the side door where we enter the building. We head towards our classroom where we will spend the rest of our day.

Once in the classroom, Angel and I both sit behind a 4-way plexiglass divider at the long table, she opens her computer to complete her daily health check, which asks her to agree that she hasn’t felt any COVID symptoms or been around a close contact, and she is cleared to stay on campus for the day.

8:30: transition from “Homeroom” time to the first period class. We have physics first, and Mr. Branna is an in-person teacher, so he walks in and we begin to get set up for the day.

Approximately 8:45: we log into Microsoft Teams, and wait for the class call to start. Mr. Branna goes on to teach the lesson for the day. The synchronous part of class goes from 8:45-9:30, and from 9:30-10:10, we have asynchronous time where we are given practice assignments to complete on our own.

The weird thing about COVID-school is “group work is all virtual.” What I noticed is that students prefer to communicate via chat versus outloud or in-person.

Approximately 10:15: We transition to World History. For this class, Ms. Walker is a hybrid teacher, and she teaches in person and remote students in the same Teams Call. We luckily have the luxury of having her in our physical classroom so if we need something, she can show us without sharing her screen. Sync time in this class is from 10:15-11 am. Async time is from 11-11:45.

11:45: We have Advisory until 12:10 and here, we get school and grade level updates. Angel and I had previously scheduled a virtual college tour that we attended starting at 12:00 p.m.

Noon: With the permission of Ms. Moss, our AP English teacher, we stay in the virtual college tour until 12:45. At 12:45, we join Ms, Moss’ Teams call, and engage in the lesson until 1:30, when async time starts and goes until 2:10. Ms. Moss spends async time checking in with students about grades and whatever else is going on in students’ lives. [Ms. Moss was a teacher at Southside for the first two founding years for this same class of students; she transitioned to a different school for two years and decided to come back for the founding class’s last two years. The classroom culture is very comfortable despite COVID restrictions.]

2:15: We transition to our last class, Pre-Calculus, where we stay until 3:45. In this class, we work through async time with Mr. Granger because the equations were challenging, and like Ms. Walker, he is a hybrid teacher and has over 45 students to tend to.

3:40: we start to sanitize our work stations with cleaning and sanitizing wipes, and sanitize our hands. We wait behind our seats to be dismissed. At 3:45 when they dismiss the walkers, we head to the gym where we must have our temperatures taken again. After that, Angel completes an additional health check that clears her for volleyball practice.

At this point, I end my shadowing and reflect on my day as a student of the founding class at Southside. These were the realities...

1. COVID school is LONG.

Students are used to days that are packed with about 6 classes that they physically move to and from. During COVID school, even moving from seat to seat is strictly prohibited. Around lunch, I could see them starting to lose steam. I found this interesting as I also tend to feel more tired in my last two classes. Because of this, it was easier to empathize with them.

2. COVID school is something we STILL have to get used to.

Students still need reminders of routines and procedures such as staying behind their own plexiglass, not sharing food or any materials, not entering other classrooms that are not assigned to their specific cohorts, etc. Although we have been living in this COVID world for over a year, students are transitioning in and out of physical classrooms every day and it causes the sense of normalcy to be almost non-existent.

3. Students need more opportunities to interact!

I noticed that one of the only times students were given the opportunity to interact with each other is when they were having lunch or in some async portions of class. Because of that, engagement was low and during “group” work, students weren’t comfortable interacting with students who they have been in classes with since they were in 6th grade!

When I think of ways I would try and combat these issues as a school leader, first I thought about why the issues are pressing. The main thing that stuck out to me is how crucial character development is for these students! Being eleventh graders means students have one year until they enter post-secondary classrooms or the work force and there are some skills that are mandatory to be successful in those places. One of those skills is social interaction that doesn’t come from a screen. This generation already focuses so heavily on technology and being behind their phones, that I would implement group work at individual work tables. Your table would become your “working group,” and you would verbally collaborate on assignments, discussions, projects and classwork. This not only ensures the growth in development, but gives students a real taste of what the workforce and classrooms will be for them in the near future.

Second, I would make sure my staff understood the importance of empathy and expressing that to students. I asked Angel at the end of our day together how she felt about school and she said she was very tired and drained from the day’s activities every day. I told her even though I’m teaching all day, I feel the same way because its exhausting to watch students struggle and become tired behind their screens in class after class. When I said I feel the same way, I could see Angel’s smile through her mask and she said “wow JW, I didn’t think teachers got tired because at least you guys get to move around from room to room. And while that could be true, overall, this experience has been tiresome for ALL and students need to know they are not alone.

The last thing I would do as a leader, and plan to do before the year is over just as a temperature check is create an assessment that analyzes what realistic suggestions students have for “COVID school.” For example, maybe students could have the opportunity to move seats and sit with friends in their cohort classrooms during lunch as long as they sanitize them upon moving. Small changes like this could help increase energy levels which will lead to higher engagement and participation.

Overall, I was inspired by the tenacity Angel shows by showing up to COVID school every day. While she did express some of her concerns, she also pushes through and helped me realize some pivots I can suggest for my campus in order for us to finish these last six weeks strongly. Thanks Angel :)

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operationwell · 4 years

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Reflections on Past Institutionalization

Today was the day that I knew would be coming. The day I would have to face, process, and differentiate between my past experiences in psychiatric facilities, and my future stays. I know that all of this doesn’t necessarily happen in one day, but rest assured - it is happening.

5 years ago, In April of 2015, I entered a hospital in Schaumburg, IL at around 8pm. My Auntie had heard that this hospital offered free psychiatric evaluations, and we had planned to go and have a simple assessment where they could provide insight into which medications were hurting and which were helping my cause. About 6 weeks prior to this, I had been prescribed Celexa as an antidepressant and it caused my depression and anxiety to skyrocket beyond my control, and I became flooded with suicidal ideation. My doctor (the psychiatrist of every student on psych medications throughout my university) insisted that I remain on the medication for 6 weeks. As my symptoms worsened, he prescribed me Trazodone as a sleeping aid and Klonipen to help with my multiple panic attacks daily. As medications were thrown at me, my health worsened. I struggled with sleep disturbances (insomnia, night terrors, inconsistent sleep schedule), I lost weight (food quickly became unappealing on the medications, I had no appetite, I had difficulty eating as I would become nauseous and vomit during and after consuming food) and my health deteriorated. I stopped going to Yoga and working out multiple times a week because I was no longer functional enough to continue. My grades slipped and I received 3 “incomplete”s in my classes and had to finish my work months later for credit. I dropped my commitments to the Chicago Coalition for the Homeless, alongside many clubs and school groups. I was closeted from my family and all but 2 friends, I had recently broken up with my partner of 3 years. I was in therapy on my college campus, and nothing seemed to be working... so a free psych evaluation sounded like the right thing to do.

That day, I received an award from Loyola University Chicago School of Communications that I was their top student in the Advocacy and Social Change program. Little did the school staff know that within a few hours I would be Baker Acted. I got dressed up and invited my Auntie and 2 friends to the celebration. Like most days when the world feels like it is crumbling, I laughed and smiled and moved through the motions. Saying goodbye to my friends, I packed a weekend bag to head to the suburbs, this was typical seeing that my Auntie is one of my closet friends and mentors, and I frequently “ran away” to her guest room in order to escape my troubles. We agreed to go to dinner with my uncle and cousin, then go for the free evaluation. I pushed food around on a plate and I drank a Shirley Temple with my then 9 year old cousin, Dylan.

I entered the hospital with Auntie late in the evening. I put in my headphones to listen to Bon Iver because my anxiety was triggered by the hospital environment. I filled out a form that asked two yes/no questions:

Within the last 24 hours, have you had thoughts of killing yourself? Yes No

If yes, do you have a plan to kill yourself? Yes No

I circled yes for both.

I told myself that dishonesty was not going to get me the help I needed, so I told the truth. After I handed in that questionnaire, my hands were tied. No matter what I said in the clinical evaluation, they would legally have to keep me under the Baker Act. I tried to explain the ways that the medications I was taking were making it worse, how my anxiety and depression were related to trauma, but they were not interested in that. They were interested in protecting me from the threat of myself. The admissions staff informed me that I would be staying for the next few days in the hospital. When I protested and tried to leave, they threatened to call the police. I looked to my Auntie for guidance and she broke down saying “I am so sorry, I wouldn’t have brought you here if I knew they would take you from me”. My auntie is the light of my life and even though this experience was incredibly trying, I am so glad that she was there with me holding my hand and making sarcastic jokes throughout the process. She was, and continues to be, my rock and my safe space. Thank you, Auntie.

I was stripped of my clothes, searched, asked to squat and cough. I was brought into the adult ward with nothing besides the clothes I wore in, and a notebook. I was shocked as I finished the evaluation process - it was now the middle of the night. One of the night staff saw me enter my room and was intrigued because “I don’t look like the other patients in here” to which my response was “what should I look like?” we spoke about religion, and what my goals were; I shared with him my purpose - to bring peace to the world through advocacy, conflict resolution, and vulnerability. He was kind. He very well might have been an angel. But I am convinced he was real. He gave me a gift, and I still have it. A book about hope, religion, and peace. Inside the front cover he wrote “Be at peace and know that you are love”. When he left my room less than 30 mins later, I showered and got into my bed, I slept till the techs woke me to take my blood and I never saw that man again.

The next 72 hours consisted of sharing a room with an older woman who insisted on being naked 24/7 and caused plenty of problems in the ward, attending all-day therapy and coping skill development groups, trying to convince the doctors and nurses I was cured and able to leave, attempting to escape my parents worried calls, being constantly poked and prodded by nursing staff, commiserating with other patients (most of whom were much older than me), and coloring in mandalas and calling it “art therapy”.

During this stay, the psychiatrist kept my diagnosis of depression and anxiety and added “You need to watch out for Bipolar”. He immediately started me on Abilify, an antipsychotic, and after 3 days was convinced the Abilify helped enough to discharge me. I went straight to the pharmacy after my stay and found the medication was $116/ pill. The drug was new, did not have a generic at the time, and I could not afford that, so I discontinued the use of the medication.

By this time, I am deeply concerning my parents and they have bought me a one way flight to South Florida for the summer after my sophomore year. I was planning on working at Boston College for the summer and spending my entire junior year abroad in the Philippines and Vietnam, but the international travel was not brought to fruition. My parents were hurt by my secrecy, terrified, and looking to help alleviate some of my suffering. They helped me to get to a psychiatrist that might be able to help with the medication situation, and he did. I was put on Zyrexa, an antipsychotic, and the next day the sun came out. I stayed on the medication for over 4 years, but it caused grueling side effects including excessive sleeping, sedation, mixed mood episodes, and extreme weight gain to name a few.

After I was institutionalized, I told myself that I would try whatever I could to avoid the trauma, the expense, and the repetition of my experience in the ward. I felt that while I was held there, I was a prisoner, I had no rights, I had no resources, and I had a one person support system. I never wanted to go back.

Now, I am in very different shoes. I have knowledge and information. I have an entire degree dedicated to better understanding mental health and the system, I have years of experience working clinically in the field, and I have an incredible support system. I am currently seeking treatment to titrate off all unnecessary medications, to stabilize my mental and physical health, and to work intensively with clinicians on sustainable coping mechanisms. This is not like before.

Today I spent most of the day crying and wondering how I could possibly face being stripped of my agency and belongings again, being isolated from my supports again, and being forced to take medications without consent again. The answer that I found in my tears is that I don’t have to face that again. This new situation of seeking residential treatment is dredging up emotions and memories from my experience 5 years ago; but this is different. I am afraid, and I am allowing myself the grace to feel that fear and tend to it. As I care for myself I am also caring for my younger self, my self at 19, and at any other age when I felt alone, afraid, and out of options. Once I have done my tending, I am able to open my eyes and see that in the here and now I am surrounded by support, I am brave, and I am patient with my options.

I am surrounded by love. I am love. I am at peace.

Here is something I created in 2015 while in the psych ward. All text is quotes of staff and peers during my 3 day stay.

#psych ward #psych #mental health #triggers

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yasbxxgie · 4 years

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Surviving ‘stressful process’ of being black male African-American men quietly combat negative stereotypes about them

Keith Borders tries hard not to scare people. He’s 6-foot-7, a garrulous lawyer who talks with his hands. And he’s black.

Many people find him threatening. He works hard to prove otherwise.

“I have a very keen sense of my size and how I communicate,” says Borders of Mason, Ohio. “I end up putting my hands in my pockets or behind me. I stand with my feet closer together. With my feet spread out, it looks like I’m taking a stance. And I use a softer voice.”

Every day, African-American men consciously work to offset stereotypes about them — that they are dangerous, aggressive, angry. Some smile a lot, dress conservatively and speak with deference: “Yes, sir,” or “No, ma’am.” They are mindful of their bodies, careful not to dart into closing elevators or stand too close in grocery stores.

It’s all about surviving, and trying to thrive, in a nation where biased views of black men stubbornly hang on decades after segregation and where statistics show a yawning gap between the lives of white men and black men. Black men’s median wages are barely three-fourths those of whites; nearly 1 in 3 black men will spend time behind bars during his life; and, on average, black men die six years earlier than whites.

Sure, everyone has ways of coping with other people’s perceptions: Who acts the same at work as they do with their kids, or their high school friends?

But for black men, there’s more at stake. If they don’t carefully calculate how to handle everyday situations — in ways that usually go unnoticed — they can end up out of a job, in jail or dead.

“It’s a stressful process,” Borders says.

Melissa Harris Lacewell, a political scientist at the University of Chicago, says it's at the heart of being a black American male.

“Black mothers and fathers socialize their sons to not make waves, to not come up against the authorities, to speak even more politely not only when there are whites present but particularly if there are whites who have power,” she said.

Chess in the real world

“Most black men are able shift from a sort of relaxed, authentically black pose into a respectable black man pose. Either they develop the dexterity to move back and forth, or ultimately they flounder.”

It’s a lot like a game of chess, says 43-year-old Chester Williams, who owns Chester Electric in New Orleans. He has taught his three sons, ages 16, 14 and 11, to play.

“The rules of the game are universal: White moves first, then black moves,” he said. “Black has to respond to the moves that the whites make. You take the advantage when it’s available.”

Twenty-year-old Chauncy Medder of Brooklyn says his baggy jeans and oversized T-shirts make him seem like “another one of those thuggish black kids.” He offsets that with “Southern charm” he learned attending high school in Virginia — “a lot of ’Yes, ma’ams,’ and as little slang as possible. When I speak to them (whites), they’re like, ’Hey, you’re different.”’

Such skillful little changes in style aren’t talked about much, especially not outside of black households — there’s no reason to tip your hand. As Walter White, a black sales executive from Cincinnati puts it: “Not talking is a way to get what you want.”

Coping strategies

He recalled that, “as a child, we all sat down with my mother and father and watched the movie ’Roots,”’ the groundbreaking 1970s television miniseries tracing a black family from Africa through slavery and into modern times.

The slaves were quietly obedient around whites. “But as soon as the master was gone,” he said, “they did what they really wanted to do. That’s what we were taught.”

Historians agree that black stereotypes and coping strategies are rooted America’s history of slavery and segregation.

Jay Carrington Chunn’s mother taught him “how to read ’Whites Only’ and ’Negro Only’ before she taught me anything else,” said the 63-year-old, who grew up in Atlanta. “Black parents taught you how to react when police stopped you, how to respond to certain problems, how to act in school to get the best grade.”

School is still a challenge, even from an early age.

Last year, Yale University research on public school pre-kindergarten programs in 40 states found that blacks were expelled twice as often as whites — and nine out of 10 blacks expelled were boys. The report did not analyze the patterns, but some trace it to negative views about black boys.

Perception: Young males = public enemies

Black male children are often “labeled in public schools as being out of control,” said Lacewell, who studies black political culture and wrote “Barbershops, Bibles, and BET: Everyday Talk and Black Political Thought.”

“If you’re a black boy who is smart and energetic and always has the answer and throws his hand up in the air,” she said, “you might as a parent say, ’Even if you know the answer you might not want to make a spectacle of yourself. You don’t want to call attention to yourself.”’

Bill Fletcher still has nightmares about his third-grade teacher, a white woman who “treated me and other black students as if we were idiots,” he said. “She destroyed my confidence.”

But his parents were strong advocates, and taught him to cope by having little contact with teachers who didn’t take an interest in him, said Fletcher, former president of TransAfrica Forum, a group that builds ties between African-Americans and Africa.

As black boys become adolescents, the dangers escalate. Like most teenagers, they battle raging hormones and identity crises. Many rebel, trying to fit in by mimicking — and sometimes becoming — criminals.

“They are basically seen as public menaces,” Lacewell said.

Counting the casualties

Rasheed Smith, 22, a soft-spoken, aspiring hip-hop lyricist from the Bedford Stuyvesant section of Brooklyn, recently tapped his long fingers, morosely counting his friends killed in neighborhood violence in the last five years — 11 in all. Few spent much time beyond their blocks, let alone their neighborhood. Some sold drugs or got in other trouble and had near-constant contact with police.

Smith has survived by staying close to his family. He advised: “With police, you talk to them the way they talk to you. You get treated how you act.”

Twenty years ago, Carol Taylor’s teenage son — now a lawyer — was mugged twice near their Brooklyn home, but police officers “treated him like he had done the mugging,” she said. She wrote and self-published “The Little Black Book: Survival Commandments for Black Men” filled with tips on how to deal with police: keep your hands visible, carry a camera, don’t say much but be polite.

“Don’t take this as a time to prove your manhood,” wrote Taylor, a retired nurse and community activist who said she’s sold thousands of the pocket-sized, $2 books.

And more general advice: “Learn to read, write and type, and to speak English correctly. This is survival, not wishful thinking. If you are going to survive in America, go to college!”

One selective business program at historically black Hampton University in Virginia directs black men to wear dark, conservative suits to class. Earrings and dreadlocked hairstyles are forbidden. Their appearance is “communicating a signal that says you can go into more places,” said business school dean Sid Credle. “There’s more universal acceptance if you’re conservative in your image and dress style.”

Corporate communications

One graphic artist says he wears a suit when traveling, “even if it’s on a weekend. I think it helps. It requests respect.”

But in the corporate world, clothing can only help so much, said Janet B. Reid of Global Lead Management Consulting, who advises companies on managing ethnic diversity.

Black men, especially those who look physically imposing, often have a tough time.

“Someone who is tall and muscular will learn to come into a meeting and sit down quickly,” she said. “They’re trying to lower the big barrier of resistance, one that’s fear-based and born of stereotypes.”

Having darker brown skin can erect another barrier. Mark Ferguson has worked on Wall Street for 20 years. He has an easy smile and firm, confident handshake.

“I think I clean up pretty well — I dress well, I speak well — but all that goes out the window when I show up at a meeting full of white men,” says Ferguson of New Jersey, who is 6-foot-4 and dark-skinned. “It’s because they’re afraid of me.”

“Race always matters,” said Ferguson, whose Day in the Life Foundation connects minority teenagers with professionals. “It’s always in play.”

The smile factor

Fletcher knows his light brown skin gives him an advantage — except that he’s “unsmiling.”

“If you’re a black man who doesn’t smile a lot, they (whites) get really nervous,” he said. “There are black people I run across all the time and they’re always smiling particularly when they’re around white people. A lot of white people find that very comforting.”

All this takes a toll.

Many black men say the daily maneuvering leaves them enraged and exhausted. For decades, they continuously self-analyze and shift, subtly dampening their personalities. In the end, even the best strategies don’t always work.

“I’ve seen it play out many times” in corporations, said Reid of Global Lead. “They go from depression to corporate suicide. Marital problems can come up. He loses all self-confidence and the ability to feel manly and in control of his own fate.”

Sherman James, a social psychologist at Duke University, studies how the stress of coping for black men can damage the circulatory system and lead to chronic poor health. Black men are 20 percent more likely to die of heart disease than whites, and they have the highest rates of hypertension in the world, according to the National Medical Association.

What doesn't kill makes you stronger

The flip side, black men say, is that many learn to be resilient. Ferguson recalls when a new Wall Street colleague, minutes after meeting him and hearing he grew up in a housing project in Newark, N.J., asked if he had been involved in “any illicit activities” there. He shrugged it off.

Over the years, as he has earned promotions and built client relationships over the phone, he has learned to steel himself for face-to-face meetings — for clients’ raised eyebrows and stuttered greetings when they see he is black.

“It just rolls off our backs — we grin and bear it. You can’t quit,” he said, sighing heavily. He vents his frustrations to mentors and relaxes with his wife and young children.

“Then you go back,” he said, “and fight the good fight.”

Photographs

Rasheed Smith, 22, pauses in a talk about his life during a visit to a cafe in the Bedford Stuyvesant section of Brooklyn, N.Y. Smith, the son of immigrants from the Caribbean island of Barbados, has survived life in the tough neighborhood by staying close to his family

Karrym Ferguson, a 10th grader at Central High School in Newark, N.J., listens to Mark Ferguson during his June 13 visit to the school. Ferguson, a Wall Street financier who grew up in Newark and attended the same school, established the Day in the Life Foundation to help students succeed

#code switching #amerikkka #racism #white supremacy #black men #carol taylor #the little black book: survival commandments for black men

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scenariosofkonoha · 5 years

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may I ask for an itachi modern au scenario where his foreigner girlfriend comes to visit him in Japan??

Hello there Anon! I’ve never done a modern AU before! It was fun, I’m still dusting of my full scenario skills so I hope this is to your liking! ~Admin Little Lace 🎀

Today is the day, the thought repeated in his head. It had been the only thought in his head since that morning. She’d be proud, his head wasn’t so bogged down with thoughts. Thoughts of numbers and figures, consideration of business deals, the planning of his schedule and so many other trivial things wasted away.

“You think too much Itachi,” He could hear her voice saying, as she had many times. So light and happy. But the giggling ton had always been through a screen or an ear piece. Today that would change. Because today, the girl he had given his heart to would be there with him. Sharing the same space for the first time in a long time. Today was the day his girlfriend was to visit him.

They had met when he had taken part in the Foreign Exchange Program his 3rd year. Her family had graciously agreed to host him. The small family of three were altogether very nice. Her parents were warm and inviting, a stark contrast from the formality of his family. When the program liaison had told him his host family had a daughter a little older than Sasuke, he had expected something like the strange blushing girls in his class. Girls that whispered and simpered whenever he was around.

To his surprise, she was smiling brightly and (with the poorest of Japanese) introduced herself. Not wanting to kill her enthusiasm he smiled back introducing himself. She was the very sun itself. Never without a smile or kind word, the girl show him around the high school they attended.

“I’ll show you where all the cool kids hang out.” She had said, her weird phrases always making him smile. There was never a dull moment when he was with her. And although he wasn’t sure that this was what her “cool kids” did, she had taught him to play darts. The Uchiha couldn’t help but laugh at the pouty face she made when she discovered how good he was. In return, he helped her with her Japanese. Long hours were spent on instructing her on characters and enjoying her clumsy handwriting and laughter. Her loved her laugh.

Her laugher was one of the few things that could break him away from his thoughts. It seemed like she was always laughing, while they studied, when they ate, while they walked to and from school. The girl was just so happy. The light and easy air, a far cry from the rigidity of his home life. He once asked her why she was so cheerful.

“Because I’m with you, silly.” It was so simple and answer but his heart gave a strange beat. The arrhythmia only worsened the more time he spent with her. His feelings hadn’t made sense until she was crying at the airport. He watched longingly as she wiped away tears, laughing at how silly she was being. In a move, bold for him, he wiped away a tear and smiled to her.

“I’ll miss you too,” he spoke, his words bringing a blush to her cheeks, “Please laugh while I’m gone.”

“Flight J492 Luggage has been moved to carousal 3,” the electronic announcer informed, breaking the dark haired man out of his thoughts. Standing from his seat, he made his way to the end carousal. His dark eyes searching for her. Amidst the groups of family reunions, tired business men, and flight attendants moving to their next destination, he didn’t see her. She had messaged him last night saying she had gotten on to her connecting flight safety and she would see him that morning. Perhaps she hadn’t disembarked yet?

A vibration went off in his pocket drawing him to his phone. Half expecting her, he shouldn’t have been surprised to see Shisui’s number with a message.

Say hi to your ‘girlfriend’ for me.

His best friend had known about the girl since the beginning. He had been there when their letters turned to emails. As the occasional email became daily text messages. But still hadn’t fully believed as they shared phone calls and video chats. Itachi, at first, understood the man’s ignorance. His ‘Host Sister’ had become a fixture in his life. It had seem like she had always been there. Someone the older Uchiha would ask about if he remembered his junior had a host family. All throughout his years in university and the start of hers, they had spoken merely as friends, close friends. Inquiring about school life, checking on each other’s families’. Merely topics of regular conversation until one night.

“I love you,” she blurted out as he went to explain her physics assignment. Neither spoke, not entirely sure the other had heard them right. Her eyes filling with tears as she broke first, looking away from the web cam. “Itachi, I’m so-”

“I love you too,”

The change had been easy, natural even. They had been friends at such a distance before, the distance as lovers didn’t seem to bother. It was difficult to be sure, being separated from the one you loved always was. But the late night/earlier morning calls made the days apart easier. Seeing her face before he left for work and then again before he fell asleep sought to quell any brewing anxiety and strengthened the budding romance. Soon her picture had made it’s way on to his desk, a sign to the twittering office girls the fight had been lost. The picture had also drawn the attention of his friend.

“Who is that?” Shisui stopped looking at the framed photograph.

“My girlfriend,” the incredulous look from his friend and co worker should have been concerning.

“No way!” Somehow, though the Uchiha could not figure out how, ‘host sister’ made more sense to him than girlfriend. As if it was too much of a stretch for him to be romantically engaged with in his words “A girl as hot as this”.

I will

he typed closing the app, the action bringing him his background, a photo of her. It had been taken a day again, she standing by her bags ready to go. Her form wrapped up in a jacket he had left all those years ago. Her smile dazzling as he remembered with the caption: Japan or Bust, across the bottom.

A shrill tone sounded as carousal 3 began to turn, bags falling on to the conveyor. His heart began to speed up a littler. Today was the day. All the plans they had made these past years were going to come to pass.

“We can go to the Ghibli Museum!” She squealed pulling a guide book into frame. The thick tome busting at the seams with colorful post it notes. “They have a Cat Bus you can board!” Her excitement contagious even through his laptop.

“Is that all you want to do?” his question met with a torrent of Pokemon theme places, studio city tours and anime themed attractions. After her excitement filled rambling about places he hadn’t even known existed, she stopped suddenly looking toward the camera, is if he had really been in her bedroom with her. Her abrupt silent worrying. “What’s wrong?”

“I think just seeing you is all I want to do,” she answered pensively, her signature giggle following. “Yes! Being with Itachi is definitely the only thing I want to do!” She had always sounded so sure. Even through all the set backs, being with him was the thought that had pushed her along. The thought of being with her encouraged him too, helping him believe one day she would be there with him. Today was the day the thought repeated again.

Swiftly, Itachi moved through the crowd, on the hunt for his love. Through his question of whether or not he should have made a sign something caught his eye. A familiar red and white fan. Following the glimpse he was looking at a jacket. One he was sure was long since lost to him. Standing to the side fo the luggage carousal, the article of clothing was drowning a smaller frame of a girl. He smiled as she lugged her brightly colored suitcase off the conveyor belt. Stealthily, he walked behind her, she taking no notice of her lover as she looked over her case.

His heart gave an off beat being so close to her once more. She had grown a little taller, and her hair was a bit different. But she was still the same girl who bowed to him saying it was ‘meet to nice’ him. Not one to let nerves get the best of him, he tapped her opposite shoulder. As she had always done, she looked in that direction. Finding no one she started a complete 360 before being stopped by his two fingers on her forehead. Her surprised face blooming into the most lovely smile. He had expected her to squeal, he had expected her to jump on him, he had expected so many other things. What he hadn’t anticipated was tears. Her eyes widened, tears falling.

“Hi,” she said softly.

“Hello again,” he returned copying her manner. Easily his arms found themselves around her, pulling her close. They had never been very physical when they were young, a hand touch here, a forehead tap there. But to embrace her like this, it was magical. As she returned his embrace, he could for the first time feel her giggle as she laughed. Itachi felt complete.

Placing a kiss to her forehead, he looked to his girlfriend. If it hadn’t been for the commotion of travelers around them he would have thought this was a dream. Picking up her suitcase he offered her his arm. “Come on,” he said, watching her eyes light up as she linked her arm with his. “I’ll take you to breakfast,” he took her squeal as an agreement. As they made their way to his car, the discussed her flight. True to form she was more interested in talking about what she had dubbed ‘Their Adventure’.

As she gushed about cat cafes and ‘finally riding cat bus’, he smiled. Itachi hadn’t had the heart to tell her that only children could board the pseudo-feline. Yet he hoped the the square box in his pocket would make up for it. That she would agree to their next adventure.

#ask #asks #naruto #naruto scenarios #uchiha itachi #itachi uchiha #itachi #itachi scenarios #oneshot #naruto one-shot #itachi x reader #admin Little Lace

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christsbride · 5 years

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Watch Out for Fakes

Luke 21:5-19; 1 John 1:5-10; Philippians 1:9-11

A friend of mine ate dog food one evening. No, he wasn't at a fraternity initiation or a hobo party . . . he was actually at an elegant student reception in a physician's home near Miami. The dog food was served on delicate little crackers with a wedge of imported cheese, bacon chips, an olive, and a sliver of pimiento on top. That's right, friends and neighbors, it was hors d'oeuvres a la Alpo.

The hostess is a first-class nut! You gotta know her to appreciate the story. She had just graduated from a gourmet cooking course, and so she decided it was time to put her skill to the ultimate test. Did she ever! After doctoring up those miserable morsels and putting them on a couple of silver trays, with a sly grin she watched them disappear. One guy (my friend) couldn't get enough. He kept coming back for more. I don't recall how they broke the news to him . . . but when he found out the truth, he probably barked and bit her on the leg! He certainly must have gagged a little.

Ever since hearing that story—it is actually the truth—I've thought about how perfectly it illustrates something that transpires daily in another realm. I'm referring to religious fakes . . . professional charlatans . . . frauds . . . counterfeit Christians who market their wares on shiny platters decorated with tasty persuasion and impressive appearance. Being masters of deceit, they serve up delectable dishes camouflaged by logical-sounding phrases.

Hey, that's smart! If you want to make a counterfeit dollar bill, you don't use yellow construction paper, cut it in the shape of a triangle, put the Lone Ranger's picture in the center, and stamp "3" on each corner. That deceives nobody. Deception comes in convincing fashion, wearing the garb of authenticity, supported by the credentials of intelligence, popularity, and even a touch of class. By the millions, gullible gluttons are duped into swallowing lies, thinking all the while they are digesting the truth. In reality they are underscoring the well-worn words of Phineas Taylor Barnum: "There's a sucker born every minute."

For such men are false apostles, deceitful workers, disguising themselves as apostles of Christ. No wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. Therefore it is not surprising if his servants also disguise themselves as servants of righteousness. (2 Corinthians 11:13–15)

A glance at the silver platter and everything looks delicious: "apostles of Christ . . . angels of light . . . servants of righteousness." Through the genius of disguise, they not only look good, they feel good, they smell good! The media serves them under your nose.

Testimonies abound! Listen to some:

"This is new . . . it has changed my life!"

Others say, "I did what he said . . . and now God speaks to me directly. I see visions. I can feel God."

Over two million freely shout, "Eternity is now . . . materialism is godly. Getting rich is a sign of spirituality."

A larger band of followers claim, "We own nothing. Everything goes to the guru."

You find them everywhere. On street corners with little magazines, looking ever so dedicated to God. Staring up at the stars, discovering the future. Sitting in small groups on hillsides, eating canary mix, refusing to shave or bathe lest they interrupt their "communion with God." The platter is filled with variety! You find some attending religious pep rallies led by flamboyant cheerleaders in $800 orange suits and diamond-studded shoes. On the opposite extreme are mystical dreamers who prefer seclusion as they squat in silence.

They may have a "new" look—feel and taste like the real thing—but they are not. As Screwtape once quoted to Wormwood their father's couplet:

Old error in new dress is ever error nonetheless.1

Which is another way of saying, "Dog food is dog food, no matter how you decorate it." Or, as Paul put it so pointedly, "They are false . . . deceitful . . . disguising themselves as apostles of Christ." They may not look like it, but they are as phony as a yellow three-dollar-bill.

Unfortunately, as long as there are hands to pick from the platter, there will be good-looking, sweet-smelling tidbits available. But some day, some dreadful day, the final Judge will determine and declare the truth from error. There will be a lot of gagging and choking . . . and it will no longer taste good.

Nothing tastes good in hell.

Walter Martin, Screwtape Writes Again (Santa Ana, Calif.; Vision House Publishers, 1975), 16.

from Chuck Swindoll's Daily Devotional https://ift.tt/2X9NLTb via IFTTT

#IFTTT #Chuck Swindoll's Daily Devotional #Insight for Living

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fluentlanguage · 6 years

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#clearthelist August 2018: The German Retreat!!

Welcome to my latest language learning update through #clearthelist, which is a language learning round-up sharing monthly language learning goals, support, and accountability.

I’m writing this a few days into August after a week fully focused on the first German language retreat - more about that later!

What Happened In July?

As ever, lots of stuff happened! July is a long month packed with travel and events that took me out of my routine as a learner, but gave me new growth and motivation as a professional.

Earlier in the month I attended Shout Out Live, a podcast festival in London. I met a wonderful community of supportive and unique people who are killing it with their podcasts, and picked up some tips for the Fluent Show. After that it was time to prep for 2 weeks spent in Germany, some of it with my family and the second half on the first Fluent German Retreat.

The German Retreat

The German Retreat was a very small, all-inclusive language trip to Munich.We welcomed three motivated learners at level B2/C1, and for 5 days the motto was to learn, live, and speak only German.

I taught a custom German class focused around speaking German independently, and each participant was challenged every day. One attendee told me she’d been worried her language level was not good enough for speaking German only for so many days, but she certainly surprised herself. At the end, she told me “I have grown in confidence so much over the last week, I didn’t think I can do this and now I know I can. I am so motivated to continue and speak German.” As a teacher, the retreat experience was second to none, and I cannot wait to repeat it.

Every day of this trip offered something special, including a guided tour by a retired American history professor, a visit to the (non air conditioned 🚒) Deutsches Museum, and of course a huge giant pretzel and a beer in the beer garden. In other words, the perfect combination of a good week out and a language “level-up”.

Oh, and because I am me….we also cooled ourselves off in a river.

Our next German retreats are already scheduled in the diary, so watch this space and register on my retreat list if you want to experience a trip like this.

The Fluent Show

My favourite episode this month was our discussion on language bias, and whether our hidden prejudice holds us back from learning certain languages. As Lindsay concluded at the end, we might not have answered the question but we had a great conversation about it.

In August, the show is hitting a milestone: We’re celebrating our 100th episode with a live broadcast full of games and special guests. Every language lover is invited! If you want to join us, click here for more information.

Language Goals and Progress

All right, all right. I bet you didn’t come here for a diary entry, so let’s get to the goods. How did I learn languages in July 2018?

¡Oye! ¡Español!

My moments with languages apart from my beloved Welsh continued. Checking out an upcoming Fluent Show sponsor’s wares, I decided to see what they’ve got to offer in the Spanish department…and found myself in an online lesson speaking Spanish for a full 60 minutes!

I learnt Spanish during my foreign language training in 2001-2003, and got to a level of B1/B2 for conversation and business letters. Thing is, after the end of the course I never had another formal lesson. And after 15 years, turns out I’m still good enough to function in Spanish!

Here’s my tutor’s assessment:

Moral of the story: Don’t worry if you do have an ex-language somewhere (see podcast episode 98). Your brain has way more skill stashed somewhere up there than you imagine possible.

Chinese

Still dabbling!! I spent an hour or two practicing what I already learnt and adding a few question words. At this pace, I’m on track to be “officially learning” by 2020 and fluent by the year 3000. I like it!

Learning Welsh

Yes, I’m still learning Welsh. In fact, I’m volunteering for a few days at the National Eisteddfod Cymru next week. If you’re coming and spot me speaking Welsh in a high-viz, dyweduch s’mae os gwelwch chi’n dad! Having said that, I didn’t reach all July goals. Let’s take a look.

Listening

I wanted to listen to Welsh for 90 minutes every week. This started off well with radio and television, but while I was in Germany it dropped to zero.

Reading

I wanted to try and finish the book Sgwp!…and then I didn’t touch it all month. My Welsh reading really took a dip and I’m not too proud to tell this to the internet. Luckily, there’s always another month to improve.

Speaking

The goal was to have 1 long lesson and 3 conversations, and I did have a fab lesson with my tutor. It helped me lots with that yes/no issue in the grammar. Conversationally, things were quiet though I did chat in Welsh on social media. Good job I have a trip coming up!

Writing

The goal was “write one poem, any kind”. That one got done, one sleepy morning when I put my thoughts down on the Notes app in my phone.

You might not think this is much, but sometimes it’s necessary to set the goal at “more than zero” and then move from there. After all, a small goal achieved feels better than a big goal missed.

Monthly Contact Goal

Every month, I log my “daily contact” with the Welsh language. In July, I logged 12 days of contact. I know there was more but being in Germany meant my tracking habit was off. Still, it shows that when the daily contact drops, everything drops.

Goals For August 2018

Cannot wait for this month - it’s going to be very Welsh!

Listening and Speaking

These two areas are grouped together for the National Eisteddfod, where I’m going to be from 8-11 August. Although I’m getting organised very late (my airbnb fell through), my plan is to stay on the Maes Camping and hear and say everything in Welsh while I’m there.

I also plan to volunteer for a bunch of hours. This is all organised in Welsh, so I’ll get plenty of input.

Reading

Guess what….I’m gonna whip out Sgwp once again! I’m also due a new issue of Lingo Newydd. Let’s say I’ll get halfway in this book!

Writing

I’m not entirely sure what to do for writing practice this month! I might sacrifice that writing time, not set a goal, and instead spend a little extra time on Chinese. That sounds good to me!

So there we have it, my new goals for August 2018 are set and I’m ready to go visit my target language country.

How Was Your Month?

Have you ever visited a language retreat? Do you write bad poetry in Welsh? Are you setting goals?

Leave a comment below to tell me all about it!

I would love to read about what you’re up to in the comments below!

If you want to write your own goals and join the #clearthelist linkup and share your own goals for the month, hop on to Clear The List hosted by Lindsay Williams and Shannon Kennedy.

#clearthelist #go #goal setting #accountability

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futureteacher · 3 years

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Putting the 'Fin' in Finished

27 April, 2021

Practicum Final Blog

Today’s blog is the final one. I have done my 45+ hours of observation and will be graduating with my associates degree in just a couple weeks. That being said, this blog will be a little different than the last ones. We are going to do a review of my Intro to Ed class and see if I actually learned anything. Let’s all hope so.

Basically, I have this big long list of the things I should have learned about this semester. I have gone through and picked the ones I think are the most important. I would like to note that all of the things we have learned are important in some way, or we wouldn’t have learned about them. Right? Anyway, I chose ten (or fourteen and then deleted four randomly) I thought all teachers needed to know about. For each one, I will give you a description, an example, and what I think about the concept. Simple enough. I struggled to put these in any sort of ranking, so they’ll just be in alphabetical order.

1. Academic Engaged Time

· Academic engaged time is when the students are spending time being academically engaged. “The time a student spends on academically relevant activities or materials while experiencing a high rate of success.”

· In my experience, a lot of teachers use academically engaged time for review. For example, in high school, I had an English teacher that would play a team version of Jeopardy to review for any of our tests. We were all engaged, having fun, and wanting to be a part of the experience. He was evaluating if there was anything we should go over in more detail before the test.

· I love the idea of academically engaged time. The students are having fun. For some activities, they can be up and out of their seats. When the students are having fun, teaching is more fun. Plus, the students really absorb the information so much better when they are engaged, and not being lectured to.

2. Bloom’s Taxonomy

· Bloom’s Taxonomy is a chart that helps teachers with their lesson plans. Basically, it is broken into six different steps of learning, and for each there are a bunch of verbs to build your lesson plan with. For example, if your students are just starting to learn a subject, you want them to first remember the information (knowledge). You would want them to define terms, memorize a passage, or label a diagram. However, if they are more advanced in the subject, maybe just about to move on to a new subject, they should be at the create stage. They can collaborate with others on a project, compile information for a research project, or test their hypothesis.

· Bloom’s taxonomy is important and definitely something every teacher needs to understand and utilize. Mrs. E.’s exact words were: “Every teacher should use Bloom's Taxonomy. At the college we have to write our objectives (they call them course outcomes) for the syllabus using action verbs from Bloom's… Some teachers may not understand Bloom's or utilize the idea that students need to progress from lower order to higher order thinking, but they SHOULD understand it and be able to take almost any concept and write an objective at each level for it.”

· I used Bloom’s taxonomy for each of the lesson plans that I built. For me, it really did help to understand where my students should be in their understanding of a subject, and what sort of activities they may be able to do at that point.

3. Differentiated Instruction/ Scaffolding

· This is actually technically two different things, but they work so well together I couldn’t not include one of them. Differentiated instruction is “a variety of techniques used to adapt instruction to the individual ability levels and learning styles of each student in the classroom.” Scaffolding is one of these techniques. “Providing assistance-some structure, clues, help with remembering certain steps or procedures, or encouragement to try-when a learner is on the verge of solving a problem but cannot complete it independently.”

· I recently attended an online symposium/ caucus thing for KNEA in which there were two guest speakers, both of whom were special education instructors, who talked about how they implement differentiated instruction and scaffolding in their classrooms. One of them spoke about giving their students a ‘Love Language’ test at the beginning of the semester, keeping that info on file, and using it whenever the students need that help. This means the students who are Words of Affirmation need to hear “great job” and “I can tell you’re really working hard and I appreciate that”. Students who are Receiving Gifts may need gold stars and an award system. Either way, differentiated instruction and scaffolding are about getting to know your students as individuals and building a learning plan tailored to them.

· This one seems like one of those things that will begin as hard work but will turn into a “Why didn’t I do this sooner” kind of thing. Does that make sense? Students of all ages can tell when their teacher cares and when they are just collecting a paycheck. This one does take some effort, but will be worth it.

4. Diversity (In general and specific issues)/ Inclusion

· Having diversity in the classroom means to include students from all ethnic and demographic backgrounds. Basically, everyone has the right to an education and that means all kinds of students are going to mix together to learn and to teach. Inclusion, on the other hand, is often associated with students with disabilities (physical or learning). I have put them together on the list because I don’t think you can talk about one without talking about the other.

· When I was first assigned my practicum teachers, I noticed that two of them were English teachers with inclusion classrooms and the other was an English Special Education class. I was honestly a little nervous because Special Education is not something I had ever considered teaching. However, I loved the way the students in AA’s class. They felt more open to having discussions with each other and with AA. They were the only students who actually talked to me. AA does a great job tailoring her class lessons to include time to answer questions, she is patient in reviewing the information, and the students were excited to learn.

· Here’s the thing: I grew up in a mostly white town. Diversity (of any sort of demographic) wasn’t really discussed or something I ever really thought about until I moved into a larger city and worked with a wider range of people. Being able to meet these people and be exposed to these different cultures has really been a learning experience for me, one I wouldn’t trade. I love learning about the different places in the world and the different people out there. I really think exposing children to this kind of melting pot learning experience is important and shouldn’t be a novel idea. The world includes all kinds of humans, so many ethnicities, backgrounds, or even disabilities. Shouldn’t we be teaching our kids as soon as possible that all humans have value and should be included?

5. Lesson Planning

· To be honest with you, lesson planning may possibly be the most boring part of teaching. It is important, obviously, but it is kind of time consuming and monotonous as well. Lesson planning is sitting down with your curriculum, breaking it down to a day-to-day plan, and then breaking that down into daily activities and objectives. A lesson plan should include: a title, subject, rationale/goal, lesson’s learning objective (which needs to be written in a certain format), assessment/evaluation, introduction, teaching and learning activities, a check for understanding, closure/ conclusion, and your list of materials needed. It is how you, as a teacher, can be as prepared as possible for the day. Or, heaven forbid, you get sick and need a substitute, the lesson plan should be detailed enough for them to use.

· I haven’t actually seen a lot of examples of this in my practicum or in my student career. Because my practicum was online, I wasn’t able to see all of the materials the teachers used. I can tell which teachers used more detailed versions of them though. RG always knew how much time she could use on each task, was great with transitions, and had good classroom management skills. If I had to guess, she was the one who had the most detailed lesson plan. AA and I spoke briefly about her lesson plan. She told me she mostly uses the same ones she has used in previous years, just tweaking them as needed. Her lessons are structured a little more loosely, and you can tell sometimes one group will not be at the same point another group will be at. I know when you are making sure all of your students understand the lesson, each group may be a little different, but I can tell her lesson planning is a little more loosely structured.

· Lesson planning is boring and monotonous, but it must be done. It is important to know how one lesson is going to tie into the next, at what stage of learning your students are at, and what would happen if you needed a substitute. I am going to spend the next couple of years figuring out a way to make it fun, or at least more entertaining. Challenge accepted!

6. Philosophies of Educations

· A philosophy of education is basically a teacher’s letter to their future employers about what kind of teacher they will be. How they think, learn, instruct, and their values. A philosophy of education can be broken down into four basic schools of philosophy: Perennialism, essentialism, romanticism, and progressivism. There is technically also eclecticism, but that one means to systematically take pieces from the other philosophies until you are satisfied with your own style.

· I asked WG about her own philosophy of education, after we wrote ours in class. She told me she hadn’t written one since she got hired at her current job, a couple decades ago.

· From talking to WG, writing my own philosophy of education, and observing my practicum teachers, I believe each teacher’s philosophy is always changing. It is like the Constitution: a living, breathing document. It changes as needed. Teachers are constantly learning from their students, colleagues, and administration. They see the world in new ways with each new experience. Their philosophy of how to teach their students will change with their students. I don’t necessarily believe it will be easy to keep up on writing out a new philosophy every year, but maybe every couple of years evaluating yourself would be a good idea.

7. Planning/ Implementing/ Evaluating Decisions

· As we discussed, having a plan is important. Being able to implement it, and evaluate how well it works is a whole other beast. You need to be able to look at what you are doing, how well the students are doing, what administration sees, and then shift whatever isn’t working. It can be difficult to look at the plan you worked so hard on and then change it, but if it isn’t working for your students, then it isn’t working.

· WG and I had a great discussion about this a couple months ago. I asked her how she feels about evaluations from herself, administration, and her students. She told me that she loves what she does, has a mutual trust with the administration, and believes they will make the right decision for her students. The administration will give her constructive feedback that she can improve on and help her students. She also told me she isn’t great at purposeful reflection and tends to just change her plan in the moment instead of reflecting on it. Her students usually evaluate her pretty favorably, but sometimes it is hard for them to see the big picture of what she is teaching and why.

· I know that each teacher must be evaluated by their administration, and self-evaluation is something I do pretty regularly. However, the idea of having my students evaluate me intrigues me. Of course, I want them to like me, but whether or not they are learning is what I need to know. I think having my students fill out an anonymous survey, maybe once a month or so, to give general evaluations would be an interesting idea. Not necessarily a good idea, but we will see. Knowing how to critically, but kindly, evaluate others and themselves is a good skill to learn, right?

8. Relationship with Students

· A relationship with students is exactly what it sounds like. You need to have a relationship with your students. Now, every teacher takes a different approach to this, but the goal is to be friendly enough that they trust you, but not too friendly that they do not see you as an authority figure. You are their teacher, after all.

· AA has a great relationship with her students. They are very good at communicating openly with her during discussions, she can always tell when one of them is having an off day, and she knows which ones need special attention.

· I had some great teachers, and some not-so-great teachers, when I was younger, so I have some examples of what things to do and not to do. Be kind. Do not be overly friendly. Be respectful. Do not be their friend. Get to know them. Do not be condescending. Be the teacher you needed when you were their age.

9. Subject Matter

· Teachers need to understand the subject they are teaching well enough to analyze and convey their elements, logic, possible uses, and social biases. Teachers need to be able to understand the content of the school curriculum that pupils are expected to follow. Effective teachers must show pedagogical content knowledge, the knowledge that bridges content knowledge and the pedagogical.

· I think WG is a great example of this. I have made it pretty clear in the last several blogs how much I enjoy Oedipus and Julius Caesar. They are both great plays with the weirdest nonsense. I love them, but it was really clear WG does too. She is able to link the plays with an overall theme for her semester, and make it clear to her students what they mean. For Julius Caesar, she had a constant dialogue about the ethos, logos, pathos, and Kairos. That isn’t easy, but she has a thorough understanding of her subject material, so she is able to make these connections in a way her students understand.

· As I stated earlier, I am just about to graduate with my associates. This means I have two more years before I get to be a real teacher. Over the next couple of years, I will have to take all of the English courses. I have three just next semester. It will be my job to know what I am talking about. How can I expect my students to want to learn something if I didn’t take the time to learn it?

10. Teacher’s Attitude Toward Self, Students, Peers, Parents, and Subject Matter

· This one is a little complicated because there are so many parts to it. Despite that, they all break down to the basic treat others how you would want to be treated. That sounds cheesy, but it works. A teacher having the expectation that all of their students can and will succeed makes a difference in the students’ achievement. Reflection, study, and evaluation can determine the attitude you have with yourself. Using collaboration and open communication can determine the attitude you have with colleagues and parents. Your attitude toward subject matter, as we discussed, should be passionate and enthusiastic. Your positive can-do, not yet attitude will be contagious to your students and set high expectations for them.

· I have a mixed bag of examples for this one. All of the teachers I observed treated their students with respect. AA was great about joking with her class or setting the tone when they needed to be serious. You can tell her students respect her as well and want to succeed. In contrast, WG told me about the struggle she has had this year with communicating with parents. Especially since so many students have had to learn remotely, many of them are not paying attention in class or keeping up with their work. She sends out emails once a week to the students and the parents about missing assignments, but has a hard time getting back any replies with substance. I think this just goes to show that sometimes communication is difficult. WG is doing what she can to get the information to her students and their guardians, and they should show the same kind of respect by communicating with her as well.

· Both of these teachers are good examples of trying your best to have a good attitude, in and out of class, even when it is difficult. The pandemic has been difficult on students and teacher. Period. Everyone has had to work harder and learn differently. Being understanding of others’ circumstances, having mutual respect, and open communication are all vital to having a positive attitude with everyone you will be working with.

Those are my top ten most important things I have learned this semester. This is not a career that just anyone would be good at. I do not agree that ‘those who can’t, teach.’ I believe teaching is hard work. It is a labor of love, though.

#Future Teacher

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livinginlandmarketing · 3 years

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A year ago, teacher and instructional coach Susan Ferguson left her classroom as the coronavirus pandemic gained momentum in Southern California, not knowing when she or her students would return.

In recent weeks, families across the region have rejoiced with the news some campuses will reopen as the state’s infection rates trend downward, celebrating what they hope is the beginning of the end to home-based distance learning, the challenges it posed and the problems it exposed.

Ferguson, too, looks forward to returning to Thomas Jefferson High School in South Central Los Angeles. But she’s annoyed by comments from distance-learning critics who say the past 12 months have been a waste of time.

“It’s definitely been a challenge,” Ferguson said. “The idea that some people put forth that it’s been a complete failure, I would vehemently disagree with, as someone who has seen my own students learn.”

Now, with schools poised to reopen this spring and into the fall, Ferguson and other educators are looking to the lessons learned during this most unusual academic year and how to improve education for all students moving forward.

Susan Ferguson, a teacher at Thomas Jefferson High School in South Central LA., teaches from her dining room table Tuesday, March 2, 2021. Although distance learning has had its share of challenges, Ferguson believes some good came out of it. For example, it forced students and staff who hadn’t used technology much before to learn new skills and grow more comfortable with digital learning tools. (Photo by Chuck Bennett, Contributing Photographer)

Nicole Klink high-fives son, Ben, 7, as he completes his school work during distance learning at their home in Hemet on Tuesday, March 9, 2021. Klink runs a Facebook group to help Hemet/San Jacinto parents cope with distance learning. (Photo by Watchara Phomicinda, The Press-Enterprise/SCNG)

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Katherine Gaudet, an eighth-grader at Robert Frost Middle School, attends her geometry class from her Granada Hills bedroom March 2, 2021. (Photo by Andy Holzman)

Amy Aydin, a sixth-grade teacher at Almeria Middle School in Fontana, sits at her work desk in the bedroom of her Redlands home, Thursday, March 4, 2021. Aydin has been holding her virtual classes for a year from her home due to the COVID-19 pandemic. (Photo by Will Lester, Inland Valley Daily Bulletin/SCNG)

Nicole Klink checks her Facebook while working and supervising her two children as they participate in their distance learning classes at home in Hemet on Tuesday, March 9, 2021. Klink runs a Facebook group to help Hemet/San Jacinto parents cope with distance learning. (Photo by Watchara Phomicinda, The Press-Enterprise/SCNG)

Susan Ferguson, a teacher at Thomas Jefferson High School in South Central L.A., teaches from her dining room table Tuesday, March 2, 2021. Although distance learning has had its share of challenges, Ferguson said some good came out of it. For example, it forced students and staff who hadn’t used technology much before to learn new skills and grow more comfortable with digital learning tools. (Photo by Chuck Bennett, Contributing Photographer)

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‘Made it happen’

One of the most significant bright spots in the past year, many educators and families say, is the intense focus school districts put on technology to try to make virtual learning accessible to all students.

Across the state, districts purchased computing devices and mobile hotspots for students. While the devices haven’t always worked perfectly, and spotty wifi remains an issue for some, distance learning has provided students and teachers more opportunities to pick up 21st century skills.

Corona-Norco Unified School District, for example, had long planned to get a Chromebook for each of its more than 53,000 students.

“Five years ago, what seemed so far-reaching, that it would take years to get devices in the hands of kids, we made it happen in less than a year,” said Lisa Simon, Corona-Norco deputy superintendent of educational services.

For educators who may have been slow to embrace technology in their classroom, many now see the benefits, such as being able to give and get feedback from students more easily.

Access to technology is one thing, however, and managing a child’s education from home is another.

Patrick Sean, 14, works on an English assignment as his mom, Nicole Klink, assesses during his distance learning class at their home in Hemet on Tuesday, March 9, 2021. Nicole runs a Facebook group to help Hemet/San Jacinto parents cope with distance learning. (Photo by Watchara Phomicinda, The Press-Enterprise/SCNG)

When it became clear the 2020-21 school year would begin with students learning remotely, Nicole Klink created the Hemet San Jacinto Distance Learning Support Facebook group. Now more than 1,300 members strong, the group shares tips on how to make virtual learning work for families, shares information about local school districts’ plans and serves as a place to vent a little.

“Everyone’s trying to do the best that they can, but they don’t feel like they have enough support,” said Klink, a Hemet mother of first- and ninth-graders and an instructional aide for San Jacinto Unified.

The pandemic and abrupt shift to virtual learning laid bare plenty of inefficiencies and inadequacies in current educational models, said Mary Helen Immordino-Yang, a professor of education, psychology and neuroscience at the USC Rossier School of Education. But that means educators can now build something better for students.

“This is an opportunity, if we take it, to courageously rethink what school means,” she said. “Rather than regress into those patterns that feel restrictive, but also comfortable because they’re familiar, we need to take this opportunity to examine those structures and reinvent those systems.”

Keeping options open

Though more and more school districts are ramping up to welcome students back, administrators know some families will choose to keep their children home for now — and perhaps well into the future. For all those who say home-based school has been pure misery, there are some for whom it has worked quite well.

Before the pandemic, Taylor Jackson, an 11th grader at a private school in San Fernando Valley, would go to soccer practice right after school and not return home until 10 p.m. Since switching to online schooling, her new schedule allows her to finish her homework by 3 p.m., freeing up more time for extracurricular activities and bonding with family.

“Online school has just helped me so much with my stress,” Jackson said. “Going back at the end of my junior year would increase my stress.”

Katherine Gaudet, an eighth-grader at Robert Frost Middle School, attends her geometry class from her Granada Hills bedroom March 2, 2021. (Photo by Andy Holzman)

Katherine Gaudet, 13, an eighth grader at Robert Frost Middle School in Granada Hills, is a straight-A student. She finds there are fewer distractions learning from home and less busywork.

“It’s just enough to help us retain the information without pushing our brain to the limit,” she said of her homework assignments.

But some classes are best taught in person, like her music class. A hybrid schedule where she could be on campus some days and sing in the same room with her classmates would be ideal, she said.

Because of the positive response from some students and families to distance learning, San Bernardino City Unified School District plans to continue offering it as an option after the pandemic, said Rachel Monárrez, assistant superintendent of Continuous Improvement.

“For some kids, the digital learning environment has been really good,” Monárrez said. “So that’s something we’re going to carry forward — we’re going to have a virtual option for our students.”

In fact, some students have thrived the past year, said Immordino-Yang.

“Kids with anxiety disorders, kids with social anxieties, in particular, kids who don’t feel at home in the spaces at school have really relished this opportunity to be less impacted by crowding,” she said. “But a huge portion of kids have really suffered and have even fallen off the radar.”

Addressing ‘learning loss’

Connecting with students who have disengaged from school will be a struggle as districts try to reestablish relationships and help those who have fallen behind academically, educators say.

In February, new state data showed that 155,000 California students had dropped off the rolls in public schools in the past year. That’s five to seven times larger than the typical drop in recent years in the state, where declining birth rates have chipped away at enrollment.

“I’m seeing, by far, the lowest level of participation in my memory,” said Amy Aydin, who has taught sixth-grade math and science at Almeria Middle School in the Fontana Unified School District for more than a decade.

“I’ve never struggled to get along with kids or to have a rapport with kids,” she said, “but the online environment makes it really, really hard.”