#she's taking stock

[carefulfears]

the biggest thing about elegy is that it takes all of that unspoken isolation of this arc, and it slowly lets the audience in. the first thing that mulder says about the apparitions, is that they seem to be an "omen." an impending prophecy. and carefully, throughout the episode, both the audience and scully are waiting to see, not who the killer is, but what is being foretold. when they're going over records, and scully's nose starts bleeding, it's the one thing that they can't ignore. she wasn't even there in the previous episode. she was in the hospital. alone. they don't talk about it. she's "fine." she has "always been the strong one." just like in irresistible, years earlier, she does not want him to know how much she is struggling. but she doesn't have any control. it is dripping out of her. the sound of his voice when he says "oh, scully." and how quickly she responds "it's okay. i'm fine."

it's that kind of childlike grimace in him, the same man who flinches away from dead bodies and stares at the ground before his father. and she's so fast to try to restore order. it's okay. i'm fine. don't worry, i'll clean it up. i'll make it go away. when she disappears into the bathroom and sees an apparition there herself...i think she decides to go to the hospital because she just needs space, honestly. she's scared. he offers to drive her, to go with her, twice. asks, "you sure?" and she says, twice, "i'm fine."

elegy builds to two separate climaxes: the first, when mulder comes to scully's apartment. but before that, we see scully in karen kosseff's office, the same therapist that she had gone to in irresistible, and presumably has kept a relationship with in the years since. she tells karen that she's been diagnosed with inoperable untreatable cancer, and when karen asks, "you've kept working?" she answers, "yes. it's been important to me."

she's taken aback when karen asks why, is surprised at the question, and tells her "agent mulder has been concerned. he's been supportive, through this time."

KOSSEFF: Do you feel that you owe it to him to continue working?

SCULLY: (quickly) No. (pauses) I guess I never realized how much I rely on him before this...his passion...he's been a great source of strength that I've drawn on.

KOSSEFF: What happened last night, Dana?

SCULLY: I saw something. I, I don't know what to trust. If I saw it because of the stress, because the image had been suggested to me or if it was a suggestion of my own fears.

KOSSEFF: Your fear of failing him?

SCULLY: (exhales emotionally) Maybe.

this is such a rare admission from scully. first of all, she's being confronted. this is not normal. it is not normal to work to your death. it's like bill tells her, a couple of episodes later, "what are you doing at work, getting knocked down, beaten up? what are you trying to prove?"

(she hadn't even told bill about her cancer. she'd been sick for months. she thought she was going to die in memento mori, she knows she's going to die sooner than later. and she instructed her mom not to tell her brother. from the moment that mulder said "i refuse to believe that," it really was only going to go one way.)

she's being confronted. why are you working? (for mulder). do you feel you owe him? (no, i need him).

she's really alone. she's sick. like, she's really sick. she spent the last case in the hospital. she's having a hard time keeping up. she's thinning, and bleeding, and struggling. but there she goes, every day, at every hour. monster chasing. telling him she's fine.

(so much conflict comes from the way that mulder's ignorance perfectly enables scully's repression)

when he shows up, late, at her apartment, he comes in a mile-a-minute, about how he needs her "help" on the case, before asking her what her doctor said. (her answer, of course, being, "i'm fine.")

he tells her that everyone who has seen an apparition, was dying. every person who reported a premonition, was near death themselves.

SCULLY: Harold Spuller is dying too?

MULDER: Well, that's what I need your medical opinion on.

SCULLY: Well, what if he isn't?

MULDER: I would be very surprised. What is a death omen if not a vision of our own mortality? And who among us would most likely be able to see the dead? 

this is one of the most hauntingly isolating moments of the series...he has just told her that she is going to die. and he doesn't know, that that's what he said. she is forced to process it, completely by herself. and she doesn't believe in ghosts, or "premonitions," but she knows that he is right. (when is he not?)

("maybe harold is sicker than we thought he was.")

the second moment that this episode builds to, is the final confrontation between mulder and scully. after the murder is solved. after harold dies.

SCULLY: I saw something, Mulder.

MULDER: What?

SCULLY: The fourth victim. I saw her in the bathroom before you came to tell me.

MULDER: Why didn't you tell me?

SCULLY: Because I didn't want to believe it. Because I don't want to believe it.

MULDER: Is that why you came down here, to prove that it wasn't true?

SCULLY: No, I came down here because you asked me to.

MULDER: Why can't you be honest with me?

SCULLY: (defensively) What do you want me to say? That you're right, that, that I believe it even if I don't? I mean, is that what you want?

MULDER: Is that what you think I want to hear?

SCULLY: (softly) No.

they come really...close here? to talking about it? she almost baits him several times this season. she spends so much of this arc thinking...maybe, this will be it. maybe if she fucks off on assignment, gets a tattoo with another man, he'll say it. maybe if she calls him out for never celebrating her birthday, he'll acknowledge why this is the year he did. maybe if they spend a friday night with a bottle of wine, they'll talk. maybe if she tells him, those things you believe are death omens? i saw it. he'll know.

i can't remember which one of you said that all of their arguments are just how to love each other. she doesn't want to believe. but she's there, because he has asked her to be. even in all of their repressed denial, there is no escaping what's happening. it hangs over both of them.

i love the moments in this arc where she just snaps. in this scene when she says, what do you want from me? do you want me to just believe you? and her quiet resignation, when he makes her answer her own question. no. she knows that's not what he wants.

MULDER: (his voice softens) I know what you're afraid of. I'm afraid of the same thing.

SCULLY: The doctor said I was fine.

MULDER: I hope that's the truth.

SCULLY: (whispers) I'm going home.

"i know what you're afraid of. i'm afraid of the same thing."

except, no, he doesn't. and no, they are not.

but she knows what he's afraid of, just as her therapist had known what she's afraid of ("your fear of failing him?") and so she dodges his admittance with reassurance. she's fine.

that last scene, when she goes out and cries in her car, and she sees harold's ghost in the backseat. she is so alone. she's working on her deathbed. they don't talk about it. she's afraid, and she's not fine, and she is going to "fail" him because she cannot keep herself alive for him, and she can't avoid it. it's in the backseat. it's in the bathroom mirror. it's bleeding out of her.

[teaboot]

do you have a gender? i cannot tell

I'm like if a guy was a chick

[egophiliac]

who is the pink lady with the hair

she's Truth from Ride Kamens! (...I'm not sure what the actual romanization of her name is. Torusu? 🙃) she's one of the villains, so she's still pretty ~mysterious~ at the moment, but so far we've been told that she's a Strong Female Cult Leader Executive who's super smart and super into herself (and who can blame her really) (her design is also more detailed than what I drew, I was just feelin' lazy)

just...look at her and listen to her voice lines and uhhhhhh basically I'm into in this Handsome Anime Man game for exactly the opposite reasons as intended

[solasfenheral]

I’m so insane over Loghain and Anora’s relationship. The way her facade of poise only breaks when she sees the Wardens mean to kill her father, and won’t accept a chance bargain for his life. The way he would never have harmed her, Anora knew this (while also knowing Howe WOULD) and thus she gambled expertly with that hand to free herself while making the best case for this plan to the Wardens. The way he doesn’t decry to her denouncement of him during the Landsmeet, out of love AND the fact he knows she, like him, believes herself to be acting in the best interests of the country. The way he tries to comfort her upon facing the certainty of his own demise.

[kirby-the-gorb]

[rabbits-of-negative-euphoria]

just got home from a local arts festival and this is what I've noticed

mediocre contemporary line drawing: $700

actually incredible oil painting of the same size by someone with a fine arts degree: $280

it's totally fine for the first person to price their art at $700 if that's what people will pay for it. but what's not okay imo is for the second piece--requiring far more time and objective skill--to be priced at less.

[pathologizing]

Being a loser homosexual and looking for women like you is hard because the other loser homosexuals probably don't leave their houses either 💀

[isa-ah]

fuck it. isaiah

[salteytakesonmanga]

Most of these clothes look like they’re for Nami, but I kind of wonder if Nami bought clothes for all the guys in this haul, too. The crew goes through a lot of costume changes and different weather and some of them (coughLuffyandZorocough) are absolutely not the type to plan that far ahead.

Speaking of people acting like housewives, Nami’s bargain hunting is another one of those times when Oda makes her sound and act like more like a middle aged woman than a fashion-conscious teenager.

[fjordfolk]

also fci=/=tkc and while tkc is square and conservative in many ways, fci member clubs may be less. so when commenters say things like smooth and rough collies used to be interbred but aren't anymore, this is true for the UK but not necessarily for neighbouring clubs - which deals with the same stock.

[sysig]

Really digging out the old OCs now; Pan-na, Pilok, Azalea, squirrel boys Will and Damien, and Cupid and Venus <3 (Patreon)

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

i think if i gave my yaz and 14 a year the doctor would end up living with two queerplatonic partners

[kinqarou]

all things considered i still actually have tmc aus that i want to create drafts for …… psf may be its own thing now but ill be damned if im not still autistic about tmc ^_^

like i don’t know how much i’ve talked about my slime rancher au but it is like Always on my mind ok . ok,? my favourite concept is just that cesar got in an accident years prior and had to like, fuse with a tarr slime to keep himself alive. and now he’s allergic to water. that’s so crazy and i need to figure out how to replicate the slime rancher art style so i can draft up some designs

[ace-and-slutty]

Trying to love my body a bit more

[xannerz]

cont'd 🗣🔊🔊🔊

my mom had the audacity to say you would feel this way too if it was your child who wasnt str8 and i was like no tf i wouldnt, i wouldnt gaf; no one in this family has a functional marriage. there's either a lot of the men need babysitting, or there's that mutual-maybe-yall-should-have-divorced-10-years-ago type of resentment. and then some other dysfunctional bs.

but sure let's freak out over the Gays & the prospect of me dating a woman who cares about me, respects me, and is a good communicator ohhh no!!!! 👻👻👻👻