#shes had a tough life her kids arent the best people

[zombiigrll]

Could you write an enemies to lovers carl grimes x reader where the reader is Negan's daughter? There could be something maybe where Carl and her meet when he breaks into the sanctuary and she escorts him around with or without Negan maybe?

I don't have the best ideas lol but you can be creative I'd love to see what you can come up with!

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HEART OF GOLD. ⋆｡°✩ carl grimes x savior!reader .ᐟ WORD COUNT .ᐟ ⭑ 4.5K ꩜ .ᐟ WARNINGS ⭑ enemies to lovers, use of y/n, negan is readers dad, spoilers for twd 7x1 - 7x7, enid and carl arent dating in this universe ofc, lots of rambling and build-up before any romance (sorry guys 🙏) .ᐟ SUMMARY .ᐟ ⭑ you catch feelings for the wrong person. ꩜ .ᐟ A/N .ᐟ ⭑ thank you for the request anon! i've always wanted to do a savior reader fic so i'm so hyped writing this 🙏 its a bit long...so i hope you enjoyy!! part 2 here!

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you were there the day your dad had lined up the people of alexandria.

you hated what he would do, and what the saviors in general would do. but, unfortunately, you were used to it. you did what you were told and never protested. it's what your life was now.

you were sitting next to your father in the rv you guys had stolen from one of the people in their group.

there was a knock at the door, and your dad stepped out. you followed behind with your hands behind your back and a plain expression on your face.

your expression was regularly blank, the opposite of your fathers. you never had fun with what you and the saviors were doing. you thought it was sick, and it was.

"pissing our pants yet?" negan laughed as he stepped out of the rv. "boy, do i have a feeling were getting close."

you shook your head in response, looking at all the people in the line. they were terrified. besides one boy. he had an eyepatch over his left eye, long brown hair, and a sheriffs hat. he looked around your age, too.

you knew he most likely was scared, but he looked tough.

then, you realized you were staring too long. he looked up at you with a piercing glare, and you quickly looked away. you crossed your arms and sat down on the steps of the rv.

you watched as your father berated and teased the group, pointing lucille in their faces. he walked around the group, taking turns talking to them- or more at them.

he made his way over to the boy. "you got a lot of our guns." negan laughed, tilting his head as he examined the kids face. "shit, kid. lighten up. at least cry a little."

as negan began walking away and to the next person, the kid looked at you again. this time, he tilted his head slightly with a confused expression. you furrowed your eyebrows with a stern expression on your face.

negan began making his way around, and a few minutes had passed before he began his 'eenie, meenie, miney, mo' game. you watched anxiously, your face turning as your heart raced. they might not have been your group, but you would always feel anxious and upset.

you could never understand how the others were always so normal about it.

he landed on a man with ginger hair and a big, tough figure.

"anybody moves, anybody says anything, cut the boy's other eye out and feed it to his father, then we'll start."

...

you watched as that man got his head split in half, and then another man afterwards.

your dad had never taken you to one of these runs before. you were aware the things he had done, but you never witnessed it like this before.

your dad had left with rick in the rv and had you stay with ricks group. you watched as everyone processed what had happened. the blood and the bodies on the ground.. the tears.

you crossed your arms as you tried to keep your composure. as much as you were disgusted by negans actions, you knew if you had shown it you would get in trouble.

your father came back a little while after leaving. as he parked, you opened the rv door for your dad.

right as you opened it, your dad and rick exited. ricks eyes were bloodshot, and he was shaking.

"this must be hard for you, right?" negan mocked rick. "i mean, you have been king shit for so long. losin' two of your own like..." he snaps his fingers dramatically, his shit-eating grin still plastered on his face. "gettin' 'em clipped like that, one nut, then the other, and in front of your boy? that is some screwed up shit!"

you crossed your arms and looked up at your father, standing by his side and giving him a knowing look. he looked down at you and laughed before continuing to brutally taunt rick.

after a bit, negan ordered the other saviors to point guns to the back of everybodys heads, telling them to align it to their noses so if they need to fire, it'll be a mess.

you stayed by negans side, as always. you must've looked like a dog compared to your father, always following by his side unless ordered otherwise. you knew your dad was fucked up, but that wouldn't stop you from loving him. people would be surprised of how good of a dad he was capable of being.

"kid.. right here." negan looked into the boys eyes, doing a motion with his hands as a silent order for him to come over. "kid. now."

the kid silently walked over, glaring at both you and negan.

"you a south paw?"

"am i a what?" the kid tilted his head and squinted his eyes at negan, crossing his arms.

"are you left handed?" you clarified blankly.

"no."

"good." negan smiled.

negan tightens his belt around carls upper arm. "that hurt?"

carl looks down at the ground. "no."

"should." negan chuckles in response. "it's supposed to."

"dad, what're you doing?" you whispered to negan, slightly worried for the boy.

"doesn't matter." he looks at you, his expression turned slightly serious. you scoffed and looked back at the boy curiously. "alright. get down on the ground, kid. next to daddy."

the boy complied, laying down on the ground and laying his arms out. negan drew a line on his arm and informed rick that he'd have to cut the kids arm off.

you watched as everyones expressions turned surprised, but specifically one lady who was still in the line on her knees.

"you- you don't have to do this. we understand." the lady begged. "we understand. you understand."

"yeah. i'm not sure that rick does."

"dad." you mumbled, but to no avail. he just ignored you.

"rick. this needs to happen now. chop, chop, or i will crush the little fella's skull myself.

tears fell from ricks eyes as he looked at his son and the ax. "it can- it can be me." he pleaded. "it can be me."

rick and negan continue going back and fourth. tears falling, negan laughing at ricks desperate attempts and pleads to stop this. your face grimaced in disgust of your dads behavior, but your expression quickly changed at the boys words.

"dad.. just do it." he spoke, looking at his dad. "just do it."

rick grabs the ax and begins slowly lowering down, until negan stops him.

"rick."

rick looks up at negan, confusion and tears flooding his face.

"you answer to me. you provide for me. you belong to me. right?"

ricks body continues shaking as he fearfully looks into negans eyes.

"speak when you're spoke to!" negan yelled. "you answer to me. you provide for me."

"provide for you.." rick weakly repeats.

"you belong to me, right?!"

rick breaths heavily, nodding vigorously. "right."

"that is the look i wanted to see." negan smiles, looking down at the beaten up man.

you put your hand on your dads shoulder. "we're done here, dad."

he looks at you and nods, before looking up at dwight. "dwight. load him up." negan points to the man on the ground who had punched negan, and gotten someone killed.

"seriously, dad. let's go."

negan laughs. "today was a productive damn day!" you were always taken aback on how through all of the terrible, repulsive things that your father did, he still had that shit-eating grin along his face. "i hope, for all your sake.. that you get it now. that you understand how things work. things have changed."

he lets out one more loud laugh before speaking again.

"welcome to a brand-new beginning, you sorry shits!"

...

it had been a few days since that lineup. you could still hear the cries of the people there. the last words of the victims. sure, you had killed people yourself before, but you'd never been apart of something that insane before. all you could think of was the man, rick, and his son. all you could think was that they were strong. you were sure negan was looking at the boy wishing you were more like him. tough, strong.

but not much had changed in the sanctuary since that day, besides the new recruit from the line up, daryl.

you sat in your room, reading a book as you usually did. but then, you heard a few shots. you quickly ran outside, grabbing your gun as you ran out.

you spotted the kid from before, with a large machine gun in hand.

"are you fucking kidding?" you raised an eyebrow, lowering your gun. you weren't phased by the boy. you knew he was aware that negan was your father. if he killed you, he knows there'd be repercussions for him.

"i only want negan." he glared, the gun still pointing toward you.

"put the gun down, dude." you holstered your gun and crossed your arms.

but before he could, dwight tackled him down.

"dwight!" you sternly yelled, running over and pushing him. "i have it under control, thanks."

dwight looks up at you and shakes his head, irritated, standing back up. you put your hand down, offering it to the boy. he awkwardly accepted it.

"he's busy right now, i'm not exactly sure where." you dust your hands off as you speak. "i'll give you a tour, i guess."

you walk inside the building, looking around at everyone working. "what's your name?" you ask, walking around the perimeter.

"why do you want to know?" he glares at you.

you scoff, stopping in your tracks and tilting your head at him. "hey, i'm not my dad. i'm not being an asshole. don't treat me like i am."

his eyes slightly widen at your stern reaction as he nods. "carl."

"i'm y/n." you continue walking around.

carl follows behind you, a bit nervously. "so negan is really your dad?"

"yeah."

he raises an eyebrow, his expression curious. "like, biologically?"

his sudden questions confuse you. "yes, why?"

"well, i don't know if you've noticed, but your dad is a piece of shit."

"i actually have noticed. i've been with him through this whole thing." your voice was angered at his sudden insult towards your father. "he's a better dad than you think."

"that's hard to believe." carl scoffs, shaking his head in disbelief.

"i'm sure it is. i wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him, though. i don't agree with what he does at all, but that doesn't change how he is as a parent." an annoyed and slight upset sigh leaves your mouth as you finish your sentence, disappointed by who your father has become.

after a moment of silence, carl continues speaking. "it's weird to think how a man like him could have a child like you."

"what is that supposed to mean?" you shot him a threatening look. he might not have meant it that way, but you were a bit insecure how you were as his child.

"i just mean, you seem nice. it's hard to believe you're a savior, and much harder to believe your related to negan." he defends himself.

you shot him an aggressive glare. "sure."

...

you had been looking around for quite a bit, making small talk with carl every now and then, but it was mostly silence between the two of you.

you didn't fully understand why you were so content with carl. i mean, you didn't know the kid, and you guys didn't necessarily have the best first introduction. he had a gun pointed toward you as well, but you still felt calm around him. why were you feeling this way?

eventually, you made it to one of the rooms. specifically the room with your fathers 'wives.' you knocked on the door before entering.

you spotted your dad and leaned on the door frame. "i brought you something."

"i'm busy right now, y/n, give me a second." negan calmly spoke, which carl could instantly spot was different from how he spoke to all the other saviors.

"yeah, uhm.." you pushed carl into the room. "i kinda cant."

negans expression changed from soft back to his regular 'negan' expression. he whistled, a grin plastered on his face. "damn." he let out an extended laugh, putting his hands on his face. "now, how big of a mess did he make?"

"he killed two people. dwight tackled him. but it wasn't too crazy."

negan nods in response, his gaze turning over to carl. "two men.. and you're giving me the same stink-eye as your dad. except, only half as good. cause... y'know." he signals to his eye, making a mocking face at him. "i'm assuming you already showed him around?"

"yeah, i had to go on a scavenger hunt looking for you." you chuckled, putting your hands in your pockets.

"well, come over here." negan signaled you and carl to come closer, pointing down to the ground next to him. you and carl quickly obey.

"what are you doin' here, kid?" negan tilted his head over into carls direction.

"why do you think?" carl glared at negan and his smartassed tone, his arms crossed.

right after carl said that, daryl stepped into the room with a tray of food in his hands, dwight following right behind him. negan lets out a shortened laugh before pointing to the tray.

"carl, will you grab this tray for me?" negan politely asks, but it still sounds as if he's mocking.

daryl looks from carl back to negan and you, then back to carl. "why do you got him here?"

"woah!" negan puts his hands up defensively with a chuckle, a toothpick from the tray laying between his pointer and middle finger. "what we talk about when you're not here is none of your business." he lifts the toothpick up near carls face. "do not make me put this toothpick through the only eye he has." you nudge negan in the shoulder, giving him a look to discreetly tell him to stop. he nods at you and turns his head back over to dwight. "dwighty boy... fire up that furnace. we'll be down in a few." he laughs to himself quietly at the irony, "time for a little déjé vu."

dwight and daryl exit the room.

"now, i need to talk to you." negan uses his toothpick to get a piece of food from the tray, looking up at carl. "come on, let's go." negan signals for the two of you to follow.

he leads you guys out of the room and walks a little ways in front of you two. carl looks over to you, walking a bit closer. "are all of those women actually his wives?" carl lowly speaks.

"why are you so persistent on talking to me?" you whisper as well, giving him a bit of a dirty look. not necessarily on purpose, but it got your point across. "you should hate me."

"you're just a kid, too. i know i was skeptical before, but i can tell you're not like.." he tilts his head toward negan. "you've got a heart of gold compared to him."

you stop in your tracks and look at him, clenching your jaw in frustration. "you've gotten yourself into a hell of a situation. i suggest you stop making it worse."

you continue walking, a bit faster so carl trails behind you. negan opens the door in front of you guys, moving his hand to signal for you guys to get in, to which you comply, but let carl go in front of you.

you sit on the bed whilst carl and negan sit on the couch.

you sit and watch as your father talks back and fourth with carl, causing you to zone out a bit. he spoke about wanting to bond with carl, which slightly irked you.

through his laughs, negan speaks. "ah.. i can't. i can't do it. it's like talking to a birthday present."

you tune back in as he says that, curious to what he was talking about this time.

"you got to take that crap off your face." negan signals to the bandages wrapped around the side of carls face. "i wanna see what grandma got me."

"no." carl lowly speaks, slight anger in his tone as his brows knit together.

"two men!" negan yells, standing up from his seat and leaning forward.

"dad, stop it." you softly begged, your expression a bit bleak. you tapped your foot anxiously.

"two. men." negan simply glances over to you, his expression just barely softening. "punishment."

"he's a kid. you can punish him, but don't.. humiliate him."

you didn't know why you had a soft spot for him. or why you called him a kid, despite him being your age. but, you just did. negan lets out a sigh, shaking his head before looking back toward carl.

"you like music?" he asks, which carl simply furrows his brows in confusion to. "i want you to sing me a song."

after a moment of staring and processing, carl softly responds.

"what?"

"you mowed down two of my men, i want something in return for that. sing me a song." negan turns his head over in your direction. "and you, can you go check on the boiler?"

you glance at carl before standing up from the bed. "...alright."

you exit the room and look below the railing. you see someone you don't recognize tied to a chair and a group of people waiting around.

you walk around the perimeter before knocking loudly on the railing to get everyones attention. everybody downstairs looks up and kneels down.

god, you hated these standards you dad had put up for you two. you hated this princess treatment.

you cleared your throat. "is everything ready?" you asked as you began stepping down the stairs to get a better look on the scene.

you saw that the man lined up for the iron this time was mark. you knew him and amber had something going on for a bit now, you didn't think that your dad would have found out however.

"yes, we're ready whenever." one of the saviors informed you calmly, though you could sense they seemed a bit fearful.

you didn't understand why the saviors were scared of you. well, you did, but it didn't make sense when you're the only savior who hadn't been super involved in the killings.

"..okay." you awkwardly pressed your lips together. "i'll go get my dad."

you stepped back up the stairs swiftly, walking back over in the direction of the room you had left your father and carl in, but they were already walking toward you.

"it's all ready." you informed your dad, giving him a moment to step in front of you so you could be back to carls side. he looked a bit shaken up, and you were worried what your dad had done.

the three of you make it back up to the balcony, and negan hits the railing a couple times with lucille to get everyones attention. he hands lucille over. "hold that for me." he says to carl, but you take her before carl has to, shooting him a lopsided smile as you do so.

negan begins giving his speech before the iron. you continue glancing over at carl, whos staring down at the whole scenery going on. negan begins going down the steps, and you two follow with him.

"mark.. i'm sorry. but it is what it is." negan says before signaling for dwight to do the iron.

you look down at your feet, but your gaze turns up to carl. his expression had changed from confused to terrified in seconds.

when it was all over, negan gave the end of his speech before walking abck up to you and carl.

"you probably think im a lunatic." he chuckles, examining carls changed expression. "come on. let's go figure out what to do with you-"

"hey, dad." you cut him off. "i'm just gonna take him back home."

negans eyebrows rose as he looked down. he was silent for a moment before he nodded. he turned his head over in carls direction yet again. "take everything that happened today as a warning. don't pull that shit again."

carl simply just looks away, looking back at you.

"i'll be back soon." you weakly smiled up at your dad. "love you."

"love you too, kiddo."

you walked out of the building, grabbing the car keys on your way out. you got into the car along with carl and began driving off.

it was silent and awkward for a bit, but you couldn't help to ask..

"what did my dad do when i was out of the room?"

carl leaned his arm against the door, using his hand to lift up his head. "he made me sing. and he swung the bat over by the bed while i sung."

you clenched your jaw, shaking your head. "..sorry."

"why? you're one of them, it's what you guys do."

"i don't do that stuff." you clarified yet again.

he turned his head back over to you, squinting a bit in confusion. "you asked me why i was so persistent on talking to you, but i could ask you the same thing. why do you keep defending me and talking to me?"

you anxiously tapped your fingers onto the steering wheel. "because i don't want to end up like my dad."

...

you couldn't sleep that night. all you could think about was carl. it was stupid. you didn't know why you were so entranced by that boy, but just the fact that you were.. falling for an alexandrian, the people you were currently going to war with.. it wasn't looking good for you.

you had only been back home for a little bit, maybe an hour? and still, all you could think about was him.

you had to make things right.

everyone had started to go off to their rooms already, so it'd be pretty easy to sneak out. you knew the perimeters, having been here for a few years, and you knew where all the watch posts were and the blind spots of said watch posts.

you packed regular essentials in a small crossbody bag, grabbed your knife and gun, and headed out. you grabbed one of the motorcycles and your helmet and began dragging it alongside you until you got some place safe on the road where no one could spot you. then, you started speeding over to alexandria.

you were a bit worried that they'd catch you and put you somewhere, or kill you, but what you were feeling was too persistent. no matter what carls reaction was, you'd at least be rid of the feeling.

after a while, you arrived near alexandria. you stopped the motorcycle and thrown it off somewhere safe in the woods so you could walk up to the gates.

unlike the sanctuary, you knew nothing about the perimeters of alexandria. you had only been there when you took carl back, so the front was all you knew. you also knew that approaching the front gates could possibly get you kidnapped or killed, so you weren't exactly sure what to do.

you looked at the watch tower that was to the side of the gate, investigating to see if anyone was up there. and, to your avail, there wasn't anyone.

..now you just needed to figure out how to get past the gate.

since you knew it was safe, you stepped closer and investigated the gate. it looked as if you could climb up the bars that held the walls up and drop down off of it inside of alexandria. so, you did. it was difficult and if anyone had seen you, you probably would have let them kill you for your own good.

you carefully dropped down. it made a loud noise, but you didn't think anyone heard because of it being quite late..

until you heard your name whisper-yelled from the distance by a familiar voice.

you turned around and spotted carl, his eyebrows furrowed and his expression surprisingly not angry, but just confused.

"fuck.. hi." you awkwardly responded, putting your hands on your knees as you caught your breath.

he squinted his eye at you, crossing his arms. "why are you here?"

"i'll tell you in a second, can we go somewhere more private?"

he nods and quickly starts walking back toward what you were assuming was his house. there was already a window open, and he climbed through first, reaching his hand down to help you through.

you step into the room and he pulls out a chair from his desk, sitting down in it and offering for you to sit on his bed. you sit down with a sigh.

"so, why are you here?" his voice is still in a low whisper, but it's loud enough for you to hear. "i mean, if you wanted to do something, you could've done it when you dropped me off. so what's up?"

"yeah, uhm.." you take a deep breath out, messing with your fingers as you continue speaking. "i wanted to talk to you." "you wanted to talk to me?" carl repeats, tilting his head in confusion.

"it's just.. with everything that happened. how we met, what happened earlier at the sanctuary.. i can't stop thinking about you." you cross your arms around yourself in embarrassment, unsure what carls expression is changing to. "i know i shouldn't. but theres just something about you, and i can't exactly put my finger on it. i know it's weird, and we know nothing about each other besides the fact that i'm the daughter of a bad man, but-"

"stop." he scoffs, shaking his head.

you look back up at him nervously, biting your lip.

"..it doesn't matter that your dad was a bad man. you're obviously not." you can tell by his voice and body language changing that he seems slightly nervous as well. "i keep thinking about you, too. you're different from the saviors. you could be safe here, y'know."

"if i stayed here, i'd put you guys in more danger." you give him a lopsided smile, your stomach dropping slightly the more you think about it. "..can i love you?"

carls eyes widen as he processes what you just told him.

"i know it'd be difficult-"

he stands up and puts his hands on your shoulders, moving one up to the side of your face. "i don't care how difficult it is. we'll figure it out together."

before you could respond, he leaned down and quickly kissed you, leaving his forehead on yours, and his hands on your cheeks. you lifted your hands up to his, closing your eyes as you took in the moment.

it was a sort of sorrowful moment. you knew that it wouldn't last forever. you were a savior. your people were trying to kill his, and have killed his. but the fact that you were together now was all you needed. you had to make it work.

you opened your eyes and smiled up at him. "we'll make this work."

"we will. i promise."

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[fictionkinfessions]

I wonder if my Collei is out there. If she remembers me. The times I'd talk to her during her treatments (trying my best to tame that bad residue batch Barnabas gave- Which he wasnt even supposed to give her before my personal evaluation of her wellbeing. Uhg.)

I wonder if she remembers me letting her escape, or the bag of supplies I even prepared for her right outside. The stories I told her of old patients and my old elezar studies.. She did always seem to be listening, even if she never talked back.

I am sorry for your living conditions, Collei. I know you dont see weight in those words, especially if the Collei's reading this arent my own. You never should have been used for any experiments, mine or my underlings. You should have only gotten the elezar treatments, your condition upon reaching snezhnaya was so terrible I was furious learning you had gotten residue. And even more furious when seeing how volitile the batch you got was. Granted I cant say your living conditions would have been better if you were treated properly, I didnt have the best holding rooms for any experiments or patients. (and yes I will partially blame Pantalone's budget, though admitedly my Prime Body was so far gone I didnt think about patient comfort most of the time by this point..)

Im still surprised despite all of that, you managed to survive. Given the state you were in upon arrival I thought you would be dead for sure. But you're such a tough kid. And well- Okay I will brag a bit, my elezar treatments are very good. Despite their painful side effects. I was still working on that-

Im sorry Im rambling- And I really doubt any Collei has read this far- And if one of you has, please do not read this as me expecting forgiveness, or for you to like me in the slightest. The things you were roped into were far worse than you ever should have had, and Im still upset that Barnabas acted on his own like that. (His given job was simply to collect some willing Elezar patients. As working on treatments for it had become a passtime of mine. His residue experiments were only supposed to go to patients I directly approved of. And he ignored all of my instructions.)

I just hope you have SOME slightly positive memories. Again of my stories, the small bits of kindness my badly calibrated clone caused to shine through. I think about those times more than I'd like to. It fills me with too much guilt. Reminds me of what I was like before the Akademiya and Fatui drove me too far. It makes me scared to share these mems. I'm terrified typing this right now actually. I'm so prepared for people to attack me despite my wishes or the blogs rules for decency. To accuse me of "erasing Dottore's cruelty" or "expecting forgiveness from all Collei kins" even though I've directly said I'm not expecting that.

I just hope my Collei remembers those moments. They can feel however they please about me, I don't care, I'll never look for them, I don't look for anyone. I just don't want to be the only one who has to remember these events.

Maybe my Collei would like to hear that these memories of kindness haunt me. Maybe they want to know that I'm suffering from knowing how much better I could have been in that life if events had played out a bit differently.

It wouldn't surprise me if the average Collei kin wished for nothing but pain for me, anyway, memories of me or not. (not intended to make you pity me I promise. Im just used to how much the community despises me)

~Il Dottore 🕯♟

P.S. If you're thinking of sending a negative response to me (No matter who you may be), don't bother. There's nothing you can say to me that the community or my brain havent already said before. Don't waste your time. I garuntee you, I already know.

'

[yakkunmori]

3 (i think)

Today i can’t see out of one of my eyes

But on yesterday first.

My dad is so mean to me :(

I don’t know why but i really wanted to go to that graduation party because it seems like it would have been so much fun. I would have been able to have snacks and hang out with my friends and everyone and it just makes me upset that I couldn’t go. If they gave me a reasonable explanation like they did for me not going to the beach then I would have accepted it. Now i just feel bad. I still do really want to go to the beach :(((

My shoe broke right before graduation and it sent me into such a panic. My superintendent stapled it back together enough for me to walk down the archway but then it came undone again. I switched shoes with one of the girls I know which saved me the embarrassment of walking barefoot to get my diploma. My family was so mean about it and I understand why because they were my sisters and i would be fucking pissed if one of my sisters broke the shoes that I just thrifted too. I’ll pay her back for it don’t worry it just made me sad :( i didnt mean to break them !!

@/wku95 watched me graduate!! I sent her the link to the livestream and she sent me soooooo many lovely messages about it. I feel like it was such a shit day but she made it so much better. She’s so kind to me and im so happy that she was there for it because it made me feel a little bit more important on a day that I wasn’t really looking forward to. I really love her so much and I hope I can love her for so many years into the future as we both grow up together.

Ok now todays stuff

Guys look at my laptop shit

It looks like the 15.6 to me what do you guys think

I’m going with my dads suggestion because hes being so mean about it and i dont know what to do so i guess ill just do it.

It makes me so upset that hes like this and instead i have to think about being older and sharing an apartment with kat and being able to do the fun things we want to and not have to deal with my family

I also cant see out of one of my eyes lol its super blurry i think its because ive been rubbing it too much but my eyes are itchy :/

I think thats all for tonight ill edit the tags if I see anything else

[roguestarsailor]

You know what since we’re still in quarantine and i have nothing else better to do, i need to obsess over ACOTAR. I don't like a court of frost and starlight. For the longest time I couldn't figure out why I didn't like it. I aggressively read the book in maybe a day and I closed it feeling frustrated and annoyed. My version had A Court of Silver Flames preview so that definitely contributed to my annoyance greatly.

It's because it felt too perfect. Everything that had happened -- after the entire war was fought and won, they just go back to their normal lives? Yes there were hiccups and yes there were still aspects that made every IC character feel like their problems aren’t solved yet...but it didnt feel right. yes i enjoyed the snowball fight between the bat boys, feyre + rhys sexy time, and those little comfort moments too, the slice of life type things and seeing feyre accomplishing her goals and how hopeful the future seems BUT its too fast. the good parts of the book did not offset the bad parts of it.

Feyre literally accomplished pretty much every single goal she made back in ACOMAF just like that?? within a span of what a few months? a year?? She really came back from an entire war -- probably the first war of many since she's immortal and just like that, after her 21st birthday: she gets a whole entire estate, wants to start poppin babies, opens her art studio and starts teaching kids and then acting like she can rule an entire court?? the timeline is sooo short esp since its been brought up over and over again how everyone is literally 500 years old and have a super “messy” history and their changes seems to come super dupe slowly. but feyre, who has only lived 0.000000002% of her fae life, is out here thriving just fine???

the war devastated thousands of illyrian soldiers where its changing the politics of the illyrains and the faes, all of whom feyre has responsibilities over too as high lady. the mortal queens are still at large who left the humans on prythian to die which is why feyre was willing to go to war in the first place! what about the rest of hybern and their land and residents?? they wanted to enslave humans for social and economical reasons! then what about integrating humans w deep hatred and fear with deeply prejudice fae??? there’s also spring and summer court who are literally in ruins. thats literally so much. so idk how feyre is just chillin???? she gonna let rhys do all the hard work???

like feyre sit down. u should not be having a baby. esp since it took u literally a 700 pages to heal from those 3 months UTM. ur telling me shes gonna whole heartedly bring in a newborn in a war devastated world, with civil unrest (illyrains, other courts), with the messiness of human and fae integration, with trauma u and rhys will have to continue to overcome esp after THIS war??? even helping ur sisters w their traumas??

this is a personal opinion on this subject (and maybe my thoughts will change on this later on; opened to other thoughts) but when i read the part about how that weaver/seamstress artist who made that dark quilt that feyre loved talked about how her mate of 300 years didn’t come back from the war and her biggest regret was that she didnt have a kid to remember him by i just thought ur kid isn’t some sort of memorabilia. don’t have a kid to keep the memory of ur mate alive; have a kid cuz u want a kid purely for the sake of having a kid. ur memories and photos and shit will keep their memory alive but its not having a kid. some primitive need to keep the genes alive maybe?? but the way it was phrased and then in turn how feyre was like oh i need  a baby pronto cuz rhys might die in the next war and regret not having a kid with him didn’t sit right with me. also the other couple were together for +300 years and have a rich life together, while shes been with rhys for literally two years THATS NOTHING IN FAE YEARS. thats still the honeymoon phase and also ur problems arent even close to being over!!!

everyone was shitty to nesta. in ACOMAF, we saw how much the IC went through and still did all they could to help feyre. what made them not think nesta deserve the same welcome? nesta is mean as a defense but did no one try to figure out what would help (amren got close but shes so under developed)??? feyre knows nesta feels too much and yet she continued to be shitty. continued to flaunt her wealth, her status, her familiarity/borderline know-it-all attitude about fae/night court, her ~estate~. forcing nest to the solstice party when nesta was literally like i dont belong, im looking at everyone through a window type of thing; the fire cracking triggering her, etc. what kind of power play was that when she made nesta come to her estate, where nesta could SEE how ~homey~ and how suscessful feyre is and fully see all the lovely paintings of everyone feyre loves that explicitly exclude her to tell her to fuck off to a war camp?? bro???? cas was a dick too and elaine was rude. i think a lot of his actions were meant to make her angry since anger keeps u fighting (as was the method of rhys for feyre in ACOMAF) but what he said was stupidly shitty and i demand that he apologize properly. elaine could have done more to help her sister but whatever. mor was definitely an ass too (and im upset for how little her character growth is). 

Lucein. that man can’t catch a break tbh. im happy that hes w the band of exiles cuz he is whole heartedly accepted there. feyre was definitely an asshole to him even tho he helped as much as he could throughout the books. he tries so hard w elaine as well and it did hit my heart a bit when she was like gloves to work in my garden?? no ?? i use my bare hands see oNly aZiReL sEeS mE fOr WhO i Am. and at the same feyre is like flaunting her mate status to lucein which is mean as shit. its like this man can’t find love in prythain. then tamlin sending him his box of his things??? thats for sure brutral. tam was literally his partner through it all; savior of sorts even. no love from IC, no love from elaine, no love from feyre, no love from tamlin, no love from autumn court rejected everywhere! also HIS TRUE FATHER?? HEllo??? 

then on tamlin. i pity the guy! was i suppose to feel that way??? it felt like he is allowed to get a redemption arc and maybe i’ll even root for a redemption arc??? i was absolutely excited for freysand in ACOMAF but after ACOFAS, im like tamlin is....not completely bad??? his relationship w feyre was bad and the controlling parts were very much a no-no. i dont truly understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship but i can understand that it can be insidious and its the little things that hurt the victim. and i felt  feyre through ACOMAF and rooted for her to escape her abuser! but then it felt like i dont think he was doing any of those things out of malice. ill say tamlin is a bad leader and doesn’t know how to run a court outside of what he sees his father do. his understanding on everything is based on the traditions of the past which i think fueled most of the things he did i.e. not telling feyre she was in danger since maybe his mom didn’t do those war planning things. ACOTAR showed how he truly cared/loved and took good care of feyre and her family. he even talked about how he didn’t believe in the enslavement of humans! i think that tam wanted to preserve what he thought was the good (aka feyre + her love of painting) and get back a sense of control that he and his entire court lost while chained to amarantha. but at the same time, i think he truly thought feyre wasn’t safe. he knows rhys can crush minds and knows feyre can’t read/write so when he got that letter telling him shes safe of course hes gonna flip shit and made a deal w the devil (although those temper outbursts were DEFINITIVELY not ok!!!). he also didn’t listen and has sense of he knows best when feyre was not the type of person. but feyre destroyed his entire court. he lost all his sentries who literally went out to die for him during amarantha’s reign. he lost lucien too; his trusted right hand man. his people were cursed for 50 years and then continued to suffer UTM and was in the process of rebuilding too!  but just seeing spring court, WHO BORDERS THE HUMANS, be in ruins where his subjects left him, his people left him and hes all alone in the manson?? that was sooo sad. so im like why does what feyre did not feel satisfactory????? im mad that it didn’t feel right??? maybe there wasn’t a point where feyre talked to tamlin -- like really talked to him esp w her new found voice and power, etc. anyways, i dont hate tamlin and was like oh shit i think feyre fucked up a bit there.

rhys is a dick to nesta. which made me think, if feyre wasn’t his mate would he extend the same love and care to her???  i loved how he tried so hard to make sure feyre was ok. made sure she wasn’t breaking! all of it! but for nesta, he had the audacity to use his high lord voice and be an ass overall. even tho he can see how cas is fucken in love??? even just how he talks to cass feels off too. 

i’ll even go as far as to say because of how terrible ACOFAS was, it created this intense divide within the fandom. i remember reading the first three books and was absolutely 1) rooting for freysand  2) curious about the sister relationship and how it will be mended 3) i definitely didn’t hate nesta nor did i hate elaine either -- but i was adament about them talking it out with feyre for those tough times 4) saw a more realistic and charming healing arc 5) was rooting for feyre to be a stronger voice and grow into herself 6) love the dynamic of the inner circle + feyre

but after ACOFAS, I have this intense need to defend nesta and was super mad at how she was treated after the war and in turn a deep dislike for elaine for both her lack of agency, lack of grit that made all the other characters interesting, and lack of care for her sisters (who showed how much they would risk for her). i dont hate rhys but i was extremely not happy with him and his attitude and behavior. feyre became more arrogant and was acting like how asshole rhysand would act. like her life is perfect now and i was not rooting for her anymore. freysand didn’t feel like they have complimenting qualities that made them interesting in the first place but rather they are merging to become the same person but in a bad way. that mind reading thing was cute in the beginning but it became insufferable since all thoughts were shared so seamlessly it made reading feel weird. 

anyways those are my thoughts on ACOFAS. it was a 1/5 stars for me and im mad those events transpired. reading the other books made me excited to know what was gonna happen and i was truly ready to accept the characters as flawed and nuanced as they are. im not mad about character not liking each other but i am mad that everything felt off. ACOFAS just felt regressive in some parts and forced in other parts. i know not everything ends in a nice tied up bow but this book single handily ruined what i thought about these characters in the worse way possible. this book wasn’t suppose to wrap up all the problems that exists in the other books but it didn’t feel hopeful like i thought it would. it didn’t feel wrapped up and didn’t feel like i should be excited about the next books. theres so many missing pieces i feel that i think need explaining and at the same time, i think it introduced too many problems at once which made it feel like its jumping around everywhere. although im still excited for ACOSF because i love nesta, and nesta deserves so much better and i want to have hope that this bad ending will either make sense later on or it was just a blimp.

[woodsteingirl]

chapter two is out here! or read below the cut!

Dean turned the key to unlock the door. they all stepped inside, still in their moment of Revelation. the silence was eventually broken by jack saying, “why’s it empty?”

“It’s ‘cause our furniture isn’t here yet,” Cas explained. Dean tacked on that it would be arriving sometime today. In the meantime, before the stuff arrived, Dean took the time to explain what exactly this endeavor meant for everyone. He had applied online for a mechanic job the week prior, they had only gotten back to him to tell him he got the job the day before. Dean was still reeling from everything happening so fast. it’s like everything hed wanted for so many years was finally coming to fruition, and it was an adjustment.

Cas had signed both Jack and Claire up for school. Jack was going into first grade and Claire into her senior year of high school. Obviously, Claire was older than that, but she could pass as younger just for a little while, while everything was sorted out. Plus she could gather valuable intel that way. The hard part would be getting her to agree to this plan. Jack, on the other hand, was completely thrilled about starting school. He couldn’t wait to be able to have friends his own age. Cas didn’t have much to do throughout the day, but with the other stay-at-home parents in the neighborhood, he was sure he could find some way to help out.

Snapping out of his daydream, Dean took the time to explain how everything would go in the next month or so. “I got a job at the repair shop down the road, Cas will stay here and look after everything, Jack will go to school like we planned, and Claire, we sort of set you up in school again.”

“Wow, you guys are really on a kick of making life decisions without asking me arent you!”

“Claire, it was the best option at the time, we needed the intel from kids that age, and its not like Dean or I could just walk in and ask,” Cas explained.

There was no doubt about it, she reacted as expected. Even though shed only been out of school for a year or so, she’d never enjoyed it when she was involved, so the thought of going back made her sick to her stomach. Since there was really no where to stomp off too, as the entire house was empty, she settled for sitting on the floor behind the kitchen island to process. Some ten minutes later Dean came and sat down on the floor next to her.

“Look, I get it. Nothing can be perfect for us, but sometimes you just gotta tough it out and it’ll be better than you think.”

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆☾

(This is a flashback to the action point just so everyone knows whats happening)

It was a normal Tuesday evening. The couple was eating dinner just as normal. Quiet conversation, and unspoken glances were commonplace for them, so the feeling over eerie silence was nothing new, and neither thought anything of it. They didn’t even hear the sound of the door open. Did the door even open?

The husband reached across the table for the salt, his wife screamed in horror when she caught sight of the tall hooded figure above him. The town was small and she shouldve known who it was at first sight, but unfortunately, when youre about to be stabbed, those things dont come as easy. She reached across the table for her phone to call 911, but she didnt make it before the figure had stabbed her husband and was moving on to her. Those were the last thoughts she had before being found in a pool of her own blood the next morning.

The neighbor had heard them and called the cops. News spread like the blight, and everyone was taken in for questioning, so far, no motive or prime suspects had been declared. It had been a month since, and the police presence was now slim to none, even though almost no progress had been made into the actual investigation. That’s just how it is when you have to solve a murer case with nothing to go on but a dead couple and a town of suburbanites.

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆☾

(this is bak in normal time just fyi)

After about half an hour of just trying to process what was happening, Claire was ready to go back to join the rest of her family in putting their furniture together. Cas was sitting on the floor in front of what looked like it could be a table, if you positioned it correctly.

“You need some help?” She asked.

“Yes, if it isnt too much to ask, I could use an extra hand,” he gestured to the manual, “it says you need two people here anyway.”

Claire sat down next to cas and took the manual from his hands, “what step are you even on? None of the pictures look like whatever you’ve managed to create.”

Upstairs, Dean was trying to show Jack how to use an impact driver, “look, I know youre only like what? Five? But its never too early to learn how to use a set of tools.” He handed the tool over to Jack, it looked wildly disproportionate in his hands but that’s not what mattered, what mattered was the fact that he was having a bonding moment with his son, a positive one too. He was bridging the gap of what he missed in his childhood, and giving Jack what he had wanted.

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆☾

The next day was spent almost exclusively on introductions. First they went over and greeted their new neighbors on each side, Tracey and Paul Wayne on their right, and Peter and Vicky David on their left. It seemed to them that neither of them had much of a clue as to what was going on regarding the murder, seeing as that was not mentioned even in passing. However it could be basic politeness and not wanting to scare your new neighbors away. Both couples were in their mid-fiftes and greeted them kindly. The Waynes had a wooden statue of an eagle with some pro-America quote on it, and that was one of the most memorable things about them. The other memorable thing was their brigh red Volkswagon Beetle in the driveway. Dean silently noted a love of older cars as something to connect over in case he ever needed to get closer to them. The Davids had 6 small dogs, and that was their defining trait, they seemed like the people to have “I love my shitzu” stickers plastered all over their car, but they seemed like fine enough people.

The next thing on the agenda was when someone rang their doorbell. It was a woman about their age, who had come to their door both to introduce herself, and to inform them of a house party happening later that night. The woman introduced herself as Hester Stewart from two houses down. Both Dean and Cas were glad to see that there was someone their age who didn’t have a strange amount of pets, or questionable taste in outdoor decor. They made introductions of their own, Claire and Jack even briefly appeared to say hello. They asked her for more information about the party, and she explained that it was being put on by the HOA president to distract from all that was happening, “I guess she figured one shindig would make everyone forget about the murder that happened a few houses down from her house.” She gestured down the road and to the right, apparently in the direction of the woman’s house, “Also she did ask me to invite you, I’m not just asking you to show up without anyone’s permission,” she clarified.

After that they thanked her and went on with their day. “Do you think we should attend the party later today?” Cas asked. Not looking up from the loveseat he was putting together

“I think I was planning on it, it’d be a good way to get out and meet people, not to mention gather details on what’s happening around here without looking suspicious,” Dean replied, flipping the page in the manual.

Cas agreed. Usually events like this weren’t his thing, but he could suck it up for an hour or two if it meant gathering intel. He made a mental note to prepare for more events like this one, and pushed it to the back of his mind. He found himself having to do that more often since becoming human. His angel brain could process more information than any human by hundreds, but downsizing the amount of space in his brain was an adjustment, and he found himself having to push things of the back of his mind more often.

Claire had been eavesdropping from the top of the staircase for the past exchange. Truth be told, she was almost excited to ‘meet the new neighbors’ in such a domestic fashion. She had just gotten off the phone with Kaia, she was showing her the layout of the house, as well as updating her on the situation she had gotten herself into. “They really put you back in high school?” Kaia had asked, thinking about how if anyone had done that to her, she’d’ve put up a lot more of a fight.

“They really put me back in high school,” she had replied. Maybe deep down she did want to sort of have the closure she missed in her high school years.  She missed Kaia a large amount for only not seeing her face to face for a little less than a week, but she had learned from all she’d lost, that she just had to let herself feel her feelings.

They all gathered in the empty living room shortly after. Cas explained the whole plan to Jack and her. Jack was thrilled to be getting out of the house, and getting to see new people. He’d always been a social person, even before becoming a child, but that certainly amplified his social need. This was part of the reason Dean and Cas wanted to get out of the bunker in the first place. Now that they were actually in a position for him to make friends his age, they were certainly going to make that a priority. Dean had noticed that there were more than a few kids Jack’s age in his walk around the neighborhood earlier that day.

The hours before the gathering came faster than expected. Everyone was in a rush to change into nicer clothes and make themselves not look like they’d been putting together furniture all day. (they had, but it was the act of making themselves presentable that matters in this case.) After all, weren’t first impressions the most important? Dean hadn’t really taken account the need for nice clothes this early on in his endevour, so the nicest things he had were a button down and his spare pair of jeans. Not that anyone else was much better off. Claire was wearing a skirt with a jean jacket and combat boots, Jack didn’t change at all seeing as he didn’t see the need, and who were they to argue. Cas was probably the most normal looking of them all, with his blue suit jacket paired with some jeans.

[zmayadw]

Evening all :)

Time to continue with the story.

Wishing you all a nice evening :)

CALL OF THE RAVEN

PART 7

Back at the room, i quickly took another shower, and still wrapped in my towel opened the wardrobe. Hmm, what to weare? I havent really paid attention when i packed before coming to Duskwood, i just threw clothes in my suitcase, i was lucky i took enough clean underweare. I decided for my grey skinny jeans, black straps top, and my favorite green shirt. I loved that shirt, it made my eyes more greener when wearing it. Arround my neck was a descrete silver chain, with a clover pendant that i got from my mom. I was releived when i found out in hospital that i havent lost it when all the shit happened. She gave it to me when i was 10ish or so, telling me it will always bring me luck and keep me safe, and i always did feel safer wearing it, so i rarely took it off. My toughts got interruped by the sound of a message on my phone. It was from Jessy, informing me she and Dan will pick me up in about 15 minutes. I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, put on some face powder since i was still a bit paleish. I putted some mascara and my lipgloss on. I grabbed my shoes and my purse. One more quick look at the mirror.I was ready and decided to wait for them outside. I wasnt out for long when Dan steered the car onto motels parking. He left the car and went for the back doors opening them for me. „Wow, Maya, i almost didnt recognize you, all dressed up!“ he grinned at me. „Should i take that as a compliment?“ „Definatly!“ he said, winkig at me, as i sat in the back seat, Jessy turning to me. „You look great!“ she smiled at me. „Thanks!“ i replied, smiling back. „I hope you're hungry.“ „Actually, im starving.“i said with a smile. After days of gloom toughts about all, and well, Jake mostly, seeing him today got me in good mood again.

We parked infront of the Black Swan. Leaving  the car, i turned to Dan saying teasingly  „Last time you got stud up comming here, this time you're here with two beautifull women.“ As i said it, both Jessy and me grabbed Dan, each under one of his arm. „What more can a guy wish for!“ he said, grinning, but added as we neared the entrance „ But, sorry Maya, i'll be going home with just one of you, tho.“ He turned to Jessy, giving her one soft kiss. „Good answer.“ I teased „And dont worry about me, my broken heart will just have to drown its sorrow with some chocolate!“ I tried to sound serious and hurt, but Jessy looked at me, and we both stared laughing. Dan shook his head at us „Man, and Jessy tought i will be pain in the ass when we meet. You two are impossible.“ „Untill you get some whiskey in you.“ i teased, mischievous grin showing on his face. „Exactly!“ he chimed happily, but Jessy was already giving him one of her stern looks. „Dannn..“ she started, but i stod to his defense „Aww, c'mon Jessy, dont be like that. You did promise me you will let Dan of the hook when i get out of the hospital. We are celebrating afer all.“ Now both Dan and me wer looking at her, making the best puppy faces we could. „Oh you two!“ she said, waveing her finger at us. „Fine, just this once! As you said, we are celebrating.“ Dan gave me a high five as a sign of our victory, wich now made Jessy shake her head, adding wit a groan „Oh, im soooo gonna regert this.“ I hugged her, pecking her on the cheek, cherfully saying „We could all use some fun.“ She looked me inquiringly, as we wer seated at our table „What got you in such a good mood?“ „Oh, nothing much“ i said, not realizing my smile widening „I'm just happy to be alive and kicking.“  The restoran was really nice, and quite packed with people, but not too loud, so we could normaly talk. We ordered some food and just had a nice time, talking casualy, eating, drinking, laughing and teasing eachother. Jessy became a really good friend to me in this short time, i was grateful to have her in my life. Both her and Dan. And she and Dan went so well together. He looked tough at the surface, but she calmed that restlesness in him. And she looked happy with him, sincerely happy. At some point, Dan excused himself and went for the toilet. As he left the table, Jessy looked at me, squinting her eyes „Spill it out already!“ I tilted my head on the side „What possibly could you mean?“ „Ohh, dont keep me on edge, Maya!“ she pleaded. „I knew the moment i saw you something was up.Spill it!“ „Fine, fine“ i started, her look getting all curious. „I saw Jake today.“ I said grinning like a little kid. She squileed from excitement, waveing her hands on the side „Talk! Now, before Dan comes back! And dont you dare to leave anything out!“ I chuckled at her. I quickly told her everything that happened, her listening patiently. When i was done, she was smiling from ear to ear, and i guess i did the same. „I told you so!“ she siad, and i burst laughing. „Oh, i had a feeling you might say that.“ „Well, was i wrog?“ she asked, to wich i shook my head in agreement with her. „Then i should say it again: I told you so!“ she said cheerfully. „“All right, all right, lets not get ahead of ourselves“ i started „It was a start, a promising one, but he still cant get over it completly.“ „That may be“ she said „But it wont be long till all will be allright again, you'll see.“ She smiled at me, and let a little squeek of excitement again, and this time i joined her. Dan returned to the table, looking both of us quizzically „What are you two up to now?“ he asked, as he sat back at his chair. We looked at eachother, grinning, and Jessy replied, winking at me „Oh, just talking some girls stuff.“ Dan made a face „You're talking about 'hacker boy', arent you?“ I looked sharply at him „Yes we are, if you must know. And i told you to stop calling him that.“ As i said it, i kicked him at his lower leg under the table, just as he was taking a sip of his beer. „Sorry, sorry“ he said, stedying his glass „Old habbits die hard.“ I stuck my toung at him, and he did the same back. „Stop it you two!“ Jessy hissed at us, and we started giggling. „Well, then“ Dan started to say „If you dont mind, leave that mooshy wooshy stuff for later, when im not arround. I would like to keep my dinner 'in', if you get me.“ He made a gaging gesture, wich made Jessy hit him on the shoulder. „What“ he protested „I'm just being honest here.“ He grinned at her. I smiled „Fine, fine, no more wooshy mooshy talks from now on. But, im in need of that chocolate then, to compensate for it!“ i teased, and Dan just grinned at me „Way ahead of you!“ Now it was my turn to look at him with confusion, when the waiter came to our table bringing three pieces of chocholate cake. I took a bite of mine, Dan asking „So, all good?“ „You're lucky i'm a sucker for chocholate..so, yes, all good.“ I said smiling and taking antoher bite. „Well, since you're in such a good mood, i have a confession to make.“ Jessy was looking at me now, smiling through her teeth, a bit nervous . „Our evening kinda doesnt involve just this dinner.“ „Mhm, go on, talk“ i said „I had a feeling you had something else in plan for me tonigh.“  „Well, its just that everyone was asking me about you..soooo i invited them all to join us for drinks at Aurora later.“ „Kinda tought that might happen.“ I said seriously, and Jessy's mood got down a bit. „But, only if Dan promisess me some karaoke fun.“ Jessy chuckled. „Dear God, is there anything you didnt tell her?“ Dan asked, and she started moving her eyes from one side to the other, gesturing her thinking „Hmm let me see.“ Dans eyes opened wide in wonder. „I might still keep few things to myself.“ She turned to me, winked, and we laughed. Poor Dan took three big gulps of his beer „We better hurry to Aurora, i need something stronger then beer.“

[gvnchvcks]

A few days or maybe a week into being hired is when Fiona finds out most of the crew live in the penthouse with Geoff, at which point she immediately demands a sleepover. Nails will be painted, hair will be braided, boys will be talked about, nobody is safe

YES, SO MUCH YES, I LOVE THIS OKAY SO-

Fiona gets this idea because she wants to know more about the crew as a whole and she wants to hang with her newfound family, and what better way to get to know someone than when it's 4 am and you're all tired as hell telling secrets or something?? So she calls Geoff up and is like, "Hey dad can I have a sleepover?" (Yes she actually says that, you cant convince me otherwise) and Geoff is like ?? What? And so she explains her plan to him and he's automatically on board. They have no jobs coming up for at least a month, why not let loose? So she makes a huge group chat for the entire crew to let them know, and also she's like, wait why dont you guys have a group chat already wth

So now everyone is ready and hyped!! She shows up at the penthouse super early that morning to help Jack and Ryan prepare for having 11 people in it for one whole night. (We all know Gav isn't finna help, Geoff is asleep, and Michael and Jeremy are helping as well, but mostly with cleaning up a bit and finding entertainment) By 2 in the afternoon, things look great!! The furniture in the living room has been moved around a bit so there's enough room in the middle, where a bunch of pillows and blankets are likely gonna be placed. There's a Switch and an X-Box by the tv, ready to be played. Board and card games like Twister, Uno, and Monopoly are set to the side, ready to cause trouble. Snacks are spread throughout the room, unopened sodas, beer, candy, and chip bags. It all looks great, and Fiona is so excited!! The first one to arrive is Matt, Switch and two boxes of donuts in hand. Then, the Twins, Trevor and Alfredo. Wearing matching adult sized onesies they picked up along the way! And finally, Lindsay. She's a bit latez but nobody questions it because it's well. It's Lindsay.

Everyone is finally here!! The livingroom and kitchen are full of people chatting and playing games. (Lets say they're playing Animal Crossing bc I'm obsessed lol) and Geoff is even out of bed now too. Everyone went all out on this, and Fiona couldn't be happier. All wearing pajamas and sitting on the floor or laying on the couches and chairs, like the children they all are on the inside. Eating candy, even making a bit of a mess, but they'll just clean it up later. It's around 10 pm when Lindsay calls for everyone's attention from her spot on the floor.

"So, as you all know, I was a bit late today. BUT do you know why that is?"

A few wrong answers later, she digs into a backpack she brought with her and out comes a slew of makeup, brand new, and a ton of face paint and nail polish. Fiona squeals and is like, "You actually brought it, yesss! Who's our first victim?"

Michael and Geoff immediately nope out of there and head to the kitchen, but everyone else seems game. Especially Gavin and Alfredo, who practically jump in front of the two girls, tripping over people along the way. Gavin occasionally wears a bit of makeup or nail polish here or there, so he wants his face painted! His mistake? Asking Lindsay to do it. 30 minutes later, she's done with her masterpiece. Gavin looks in the mirror, expecting to see a mess, but he actually doesn't hate it? A gold drips painted from his forehead that go over his left eye, and a small gold heart under his right eye. He actually looks really cool! Then, he turns around to show the others, and they laugh?? Why are they laughing? He looks pristine! He looks again. Oh. That's not a heart. It's a dick. He let's out one of his signature loud squawks of shock and disappointment, with a "Lindsayyy!!" Thrown in for good measure, and jumps over the others to run to the kitchen sink.

During all of this though, Fiona and Alfredo arent laughing. Fiona is laser focused on making Fredo the hottest person in the room. And she does. She stares at her work, nearly an hour after she started, and is proud. Alfredo is loving it too, making kissy faces at the other crew members, posing and showing off his red nails while Jack takes pictures of him using a Polaroid she bought just for this occasion.

Anyways, that's all done. Nobody else wants to get their faces done, in fear they'll end up like poor ol Gav, so they move on (tho Fredo and Gav do keep their looks, Gav is just missing the "heart") Things calm down again for a bit, and everyone is telling stories. Fiona is in the middle of talking about what her life in France was like before moving to Los Santos, when she realizes she's been subconsciously braiding Matt's hair while he sits in front of her on the floor. She stops and is joking like, "aw dude wtf I've been touching Matt's hair" and then Matt is like, "Yeah but this is actually not a bad look if I'm being honest" and the others agree with him! Michael says it makes him look a bit less like an animal (I swear I love Matt lmao but you know they'd bully him during this, nobody is safe) and then Trevor is like, "you should do Ryan's next!! He has long hair too!!"

Ryan is against it at first but eventually is forced to take Matt's spot on the floor, and by the time Fiona's story is done, so is Ryan's new look, and lemme tell ya. That boy can ROCK a braid. Everyone is like, "Daaaamn, Ry, look at you GO" and "Of course he looks better than Matt, the dude was a model" and this actually makes Ryan kinda happy!! He likes his friends giving him validation, sorry I don't make the rules.

The night continues as normal. More stories are told, and they slowly start to get deeper as it gets later. Stories of their past lives, their first kills and first crimes, and romance too. They talk about their worst and best past relationships, what they're looking for in a partner, things like that.

(This is about to get a bit shippy, so I'm sorry if you dislike any of these ships, they're just the ones I personally like and wanted to write about, with my own headcanons for each character and their sexualities. If anybody is interested in me talking about my personal HC's for that, send in an ask tho cause this is already kinda long lol)

At one point, Trevor actually draws attention to himself. Things are quiet and more chill now. Everyone is being supportive, so this is good as time as any-

"Uh, actually, I kinda wanna tell you guys something since we're on the topic. I'm..bisexual."

Everyone is silent for a second, and he actually starts to get nervous, then Lindsay pipes up with

"Dude, hell yeah, bi gang! Love wins, what's up!"

Everyone smiles and laughs, and Fiona highfives Lindsay. Geoff is the next to speak up, "That's great news, Trevor. When did this realization hit you, bud? I've known you for a while now, I had no idea."

"Oh, it was actually maybe..a few months ago? A year maybe? Yeah. About half a year ago I'd say."

Michael chimes in next,

"Wait, isn't that also when you found Fredo and introduced him to Geoff?"

A few oooooh's ring out and Trevor tries to hide his face by looking down and chuckling.

"Uh, yeah. It is.. Anyways! What about you guys? Jeremy, what's your type?" He looks to the shorter male who's lounging on a beanbag near the tv, trying to divert everyone's attention from himself. Jeremy thinks for a second and takes a sip of his beer.

"Hm. Not sure. I like tough people who have a soft side usually, just like me.."

As he names off a few other things he finds attractive, Jack shoots a knowing look over to Ryan. Ryan's had a thing for Jeremy for a while now, and only she knows about it. When you're the crew mom, your kids tell ya everything.

This continues for a while longer with more almost-confessions, before people eventually start slowly passing out. (After a few games of Uno of course. The Monopoly stayed untouched, and they started a game of Twister but were to drunk to stay still and kept toppling onto each other painfully.)

This is a bit longer than I intended and I left out a LOT I wanted to put in but I don't wanna make these too long aishsijsjs I'm not good at writing lol I'm sorry, but I hope you like this!! I could elaborate on other aspects of anyone is curious, I'll be accepting these asks all day so keep em coming 💚💚💚

[chimswae]

Epilogue : Untold

Foreword:

Some stories are better left unsaid.I couldn’t change anything for the world, although the fame part of this industry is tough to handle.Do i have a life? Yes I have my fans.Do i have friends? Yes the members that I cherish. Do i have love? No I have to let go.Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow. But do i have any tomorrow?

Pairing: Jimin x OC (Other characters: BTS, OCs, Lee Taehwan)

Genre: Idolau, Fluff, Romance, Father!Au

Word Count: 2,997

Author Note: I promise this is the last one, a sad epilogue :< my 3 bonus chapters + Epilogue is over now. 

 Untold Masterlist

Epilogue 

Three years later..

Breezes from the cold wind indicates the shifting of new season, there will be no more summer to melt the coldness which engulf his cold heart. Despite the changes, his heart will remain cold. He found himself was lost in his own thought, something that he usually did every night. Love that he built with Yeoul for years, the obstacles that they had to go through before things fall into its place three years ago only remained as memories.

Good memories. He embedded it deep in his heart.

“Appa…” he felt a small tug at the hem of his shirt. He snapped out from his deep thought as his eyes met sleepy little Minyeol “It is cold outside, let’s get inside appa” the corner of his lips quivered upwards into the cutest smile which warmth Jimin’s heart.

Jimin crouched down, wiping the wetness at the end of Minyeol’s nose “Why are you awake son? You don’t want to get sick” he picked him up carefully, closing the glasses door before making his way to his room which he used to share with Yeoul before.

Settling Minyeol under the cover, his eyes wandered to Minyeol’s face “You really resemble your mother, don’t you think” he bit his lower lips trying not to shed any tears tonight. Tears and Jimin seemed to complement each other lately, he did not know how easy it was for him to cry. At one point, Jimin needed to spend an hour in the bathroom just to bawl his eyes out.

Quick witted Minyeol nodded in agreement as a small smile lingered across his face “I miss omma.. Is she doing alright, daddy” he interlaced his fingers in Jimin hands, earning a heavy sigh from the older man. Jimin was used to Minyeol calling him ‘appa’ and ‘daddy’ changing the nicknames when he felt like it. It reminded him to how Yeoul would use ‘Park Jimin’ or ‘Baby’ in her daily conversation. As Minyeol grew a year older, he realized how much he resembled Yeoul instead of him. Physical wise yes, but attitude wise it went back to Yeoul.

“Your mother is doing fine, I am sure she makes a lot of friends there” he grazed his thumb over Minyeol’s small hand. It felt so right and warm. The only thing that could put a smile on his face is the presence of his kids.

“Then I am fine with omma leaving us, if she is happy” he yawned cutely as his eyelids fluttered in process.

Jimin’s heart ached, was he fine with Yeoul leaving them? No, he was not.

“Mm… me too.. Close your eyes and sleep. You have school tomorrow” he kissed the top of his head, caressing his hair affectionately. Jimin waited for few more minutes until he was sure that Minyeol had fallen asleep. He then made his way silently outside the room to get some drinks. He owed that to his dry throat. It screamed for alcohol.

He took the remaining beers inside the fridge as a heavy sigh escaped his cold lips. Like a routine, he would spend at least two hours drinking alone or sometimes one of the members would give him a company when they slept over. The alcohol helped to wash away the pain and sorrow in him. Nonetheless, it couldn’t erase the love that he had for Yeoul and the memories of Yeoul would remain alive.

Taking a sip from his glass, Jimin stared blankly at the cold tile “Baby… can’t you just come back?” he ruffled his hair in desperation.

“Park Jimin…look at me…” Yeoul whispered between her tears. Jimin shook his head stubbornly, averting his eyes from meeting hers. He couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing those beautiful eyes again after this. He let his tears flowed down heavily, not caring how ugly he appeared at the moment.

“Jims… please look at me..” she persuaded.

“Baby…” she used the last ounce of her strength to cup both of his cheeks. His bloodshot eyes were in mess, and it pained her to see her man in pain. Jimin had never shown this hidden side of him in front of anyone not even his members. The last time when they won their daesangs, Jimin held back his tears until they were back home then only he cried his eyes out until there’s no more tears left for him to squeeze.

He breathed in deeply before gazing into Yeoul’s sad one “Babe….you will be fine” he muttered. The urge to cry choked him, made it hard to breathe.

“You too will be fine. Please take care of yourself. Minyeol and our princess” Yeoul smiled sadly as her face scrunched up in pain.

“Don’t say that, you won’t be leaving us. You will be fine” he clutched onto her hand harder showing his desperation and persistence. He was not ready to let Yeoul go. Not that he could imagine living his life without Yeoul in it. That sorrowful life by far had never occurred to him would happen this fast. Why?

Yeoul squished his hands tighter, breathing heavily in between “I love you so much Jimin.. never forget that.. We will meet again for sure. Can you promise me one thing?” she uttered weakly. The words coming from her mouth was incoherent, for some reasons Jimin could make it out from it.

Jimin bit down his tongue to quell the sound of his ugly sobbing “Yes baby… what is it?’ he pecked her lips softly making Yeoul smile.

“Remember to love yourself. I will always love you even from afar. When you miss me, you know where to find me” she used her free hand to stroke his face one last time, pulling him closer to him for a short endearing kiss.

Once she’s drawn her last breath, she said “I..Love you…Park Jimin” Jimin stood, cradling his wife in his arm and started crying loudly. Yeoul’s mother fell to her knees, clutching onto her chest “YEOUL-AH….” the thick atmosphere in the room was filled with tears and sobs from every corner.

Na Yeoul: Time of death, September 12, 2021. 10.22 PM.

 A month has passed since Yeoul passing but the sadness engulfed him every single day. The news of her passing made it to major news headline domestically and internationally. Everyone was expressing their sadness over Yeoul sudden death which took everyone off guard. No one would expect something like this happen. Their new born daughter is barely two months old, and now she had to grow up without her mother.

His mother and mother-in-law offered to look after their daughter until then, but everyday Jimin would go to check on his daughter with Minyeol. Because after all that was the only Yeoul’s memory left for him to cherish.

“Hyung…” Jungkook took a seat across him with a concern look. Jimin lifted his head with a weak smile “Arent you supposed to sleep? We have schedule tomorrow” he replied.

 The latter patted his hand with a genuine smile “I can’t sleep. Are you alright?” he knew the older guy had enough people asking him whether he is okay or not, but he just couldn’t help it. Watching his hyung in pain was unbearable especially when he knew how Yeoul’s death scarred him.

“Are you?” he inquired back with a small smug.

“Hyung…you have to let her go. Nuna.. wont like to see you this way. Minyeol and Yeoul need you. I know you are a responsible father, and you never abandon them. But, at some point they need your love…your genuine love” even a simple advice from the maknae really shows how much he has changed over the years.

Jimin tilted his head and chugged down the alcohol within a second, he snorted under his breath.

“I will be alright Kkuk… I just need time… this pain it is too much for me. I can’t believe she is gone..forever” he felt like he was going to cry again. Jungkook sympathized his hyung yet what else he could do.

Jungkook poured another glass of soju for Jimin and slid the glass back to its original state “Drink up. You know I am your best drinking buddy after Jin hyung. Well, I still think I am the best” he chortled earning a soft chuckle from the older guy.

“Thank you Jungkook..” Jungkook’s ears perked up at the sudden gratitude.

Their eyes met, Jungkook nodded as an assurance signalling him everything would be alright “Thank you…” his chest tightened at the memories of Yeoul. Her last words lingered in his mind, something that would follow him till his last breath.

 ----------------

“APPA.. YEOUL IS CRYING”

“JUNGKOOK HYUNG HELP”

“YOONGI SAMCHON COME HERE QUICK”

“KIM SEOKJIN HELPPPPPPP”

Minyeol was practically yelping for everyone’s name just to warn them the little princess had just awoken from her nap. Seokjin was the first one who came to the scene with an unamused face “Say that again, kiddo! Who told you to call me “Kim Seokjin” without a hyung or uncle behind?” he frowned.

Yoongi showed up behind Seokjin, throwing little Minyeol over his shoulder while patting his butt playfully “You little creature, why am I a ‘samchon’ if Jungkook gets the ‘hyung’. Speak of discrimination, where did you learn this” the younger boy squeal in delight and clung onto Yoongi’s back shirt tightly. ‘

“The princess is awake…..she is sad! Quick help her!” said Minyeol.

Jin gave the younger boy one final look before cradling Yeoul in his embrace “Hush… princess. Your handsome uncle is here, so now what do you want? Do you want to eat?” he blinked cutely following Yeoul’s loud cries.

Her cries echoed waking Hoseok and Namjoon from their short nap “What is with this commotion” Namjoon yawned followed by sleepy Hoseok behind him.

“HOSEOKKIIEE HELP ME” upon seeing Hoseok on the other side, Minyeol waved his hand helplessly so he could be freed from Yoongi little torture.

“Say what again little kid? I am your hyung… not a hoseokie” he went to get Minyeol nevertheless with a pout. As expected, Jung Hoseok would be Minyeol’s all-time favourite uncle as compared to others. Then, Jungkook would follow behind and of course Yoongi fall into the last place. The mean uncle.

“Where the hell is Park Jimin? His daughter is crying for milk. I don’t even know how to feed a baby” Jin soothed the baby trying his best using the skills that he read from the internet but came to no avail. Few minutes later, Jimin came with a bottle of milk “Hyung, you suck” he muttered taking Yeoul carefully into his arms.

“Princess, daddy is here. Now let’s eat” his fatherly smiled awed everyone in the room. To Seokjin, the most genuine smile from Jimin would come from his interaction with Minyeol and Yeoul. Not that he was not happy whenever Bangtan members were around, but he found that, Jimin is the happiest with his kids. Jimin and Jin spent their time together nursing their little princess whilst others were busy playing with Minyeol in the living room.

Though months had passed, Jimin finally is used raising the baby with the help of his members. Last week, he told his mother that he wanted to look after Yeoul by his own because he thought it was the best thing to do. Both of them gave in though they insisted in keeping Yeoul in the beginning. His determination touched their heart therefore in exchanged, they would pay a visit every weekend to meet their grandchildren.

That was how Bangtan Sonyeondan turned into babysitters overnight. Even Manager Sejin grew fond of baby Yeoul and surprisingly prior to the baby presence at the dorm, he spent a lot of time in the dorm with the guys.

They were in their long break after the promotions ended few months ago, so Jimin had more time in hand to look after his kids especially little Yeoul. She needed his attention the most and it was not easy to raise the baby with little knowledge in hand. Once in a while, Jungkook’s girlfriend Dahae would pay a visit or every time she needed his help, Dahae offered her assistance without hesitation.  

Everyone in Bangtan has found their partner except Yoongi and Taehyung. Oh well, their time will come soon.

 -----------------

Happy birthday daddy’s princess. Jimin planted a soft kiss on her rosy cheeks, the little girl blinked cutely following Jimin’s gaze with a light cackle. Little Yeoul reaches out to her daddy, squishing Jimin’s forefinger while doing her cute baby talk melting Jimin’s heart instantly.

It is little Yeoul’s birthday which also means it had been a year since Na Yeoul’s death. Jimin has never missed a day yearning for Yeoul. The presence of little Yeoul and Minyeol were enough to fill the emptiness in him. He needs only his kids by his side. As for now, what matters the most was Bangtan Sonyeondan and his family.

Entering the first year of his life without Yeoul, he was able to raise his kids with no problems. He learned a lot from his supportive family and Bangtan members of course. Jimin was lucky enough that the members were willing to help him in any situation especially when it came to little Yeoul. Being a single daddy with glamorous job was rather challenging. There were eyes everywhere and his children are exposed to public unnecessary attention.

Joining Big Hit was the best decision that he ever made. He couldn’t imagine if it weren’t for Bang Pd, his life would be in a huge mess. The older man had done a lot of things for him since start and he really appreciated it. Bang Pd made sure that Jimin and his family got the full protection from media eyes. In regard to this, if there is any nasty rumours arise that could jeopardize Jimin and his two kids, Bang Pd had a team ready to counter the problems.

“Daddy, are we going to visit mom today?” Minyeol asked with a wide smile.

“Yes, and then we will go celebrate princess’s birthday” Jimin ruffled his hair earning a dissatisfied groan from the boy. Minyeol shrieked “DADDY MY HAIR! DON’T TOUCH IT! TAEHWAN SAMCHON DID IT FOR ME!” he swatted his father hand lightly while fixing the hair back to its original state.

Jimin chuckled “You look handsome nonetheless, don’t overreact boy” he heard footsteps approaching them and he was greeted by the familiar good-looking guy “Did you get Yeoul’s favourite flowers?” he inquired.

Grinning away, Taehwan waved the Asiatic lily in front of him “Got it. Is it just four of us, what about others?” he tilted his head. Jimin indicated others will tag along with Jin, so they would meet at their meeting point instead. After dressing little Yeoul in a white tutu dress, Jimin wore his black suit and left the house with Taehwan. He was ready to meet Yeoul again today. Even though he visited her almost every week, but this time was different.

This was important for him and his children. He promised to bring little Yeoul meeting her mother when she turned one, so the day finally came.

The journey was never quiet when bubbly Minyeol took the chances to ask questions about things that he saw along journey. Loyal Taehwan would feed all the curiosity without complain. Indeed, Minyeol’s favourite uncle along with Hoseok and Jungkook.

“Daddy we are here! FINALLY, WE WILL BE MEETING MOMMY!” Minyeol clasped his hands together as his eyes glimmered in happiness.

“Alright, be careful. Jin ahjussi is there so don’t run but walk” Jimin was the first one who got off the red vehicle as he opened the door for Minyeol and the little dashed impatiently to the group without even listening to Jimin’s warning.

Cheerful Jhope watched Minyeol running towards their direction and hollered “Be careful kid! Don’t run!” he also warned sternly. Jimin took the chance to pick his little girl up and made his way joining the group with Taehwan strutting behind him.

Taehyung was the first one who squealed upon seeing little Yeoul in Jimin’s arm “My princess is looking pretty aww!”

“PRETTY MINI YEOUL!” Jin eyes shimmered under the sunlight. He must be a little too excited to see baby Yeoul in her breath-taking white tutu. It seemed like Jimin really did a good job in dressing his princess today.

As Jimin approached the group, Yoongi made face to scare little Yeoul but only to turn a little too adorable causing the baby to giggle excitedly “Hyung, she likes you” Jungkook pointed out with a laugh.

“I am sure she is planning to marry you when she grows up” Namjoon added.

“I am not going to marry my daughter off with any of you, dream on” Jimin rolled his eyes in annoyance.

Yoongi scoffed “Park Jimin, you have to admit my face is a son-in-law material, for your information” the teasing kept going between the boys liven up the dreary atmosphere at first, but now it was replaced by their laughter.

Life is a blend of laughter and tears, a combination of rain and sunshine. There will always be rainbow after the rain. Even after the thing happened in Jimin’s life, he was able to patch back real quick. As if his heart is made ready for it, he is ready to face any hurdles in this world.

Just like the rainbow after the rain, good thing will eventually happen after the pain that he gains. For now, the happiness built within him is revolved around his friends, family and two beautiful children. With Yeoul’s name buried deep enough in his heart, he promises to live the life just the way it is.

Na Yeoul, no matter where you are, or how far you are, their heart will always find its way back together.

It is you.

It has always been you.

  Previous 

[jonathancrane-scarecrows]

100 Important Character Questions

Part 1: The Basics

What Is your full name?

Mikhailo Aleksandr Milkovitch

Where and when were you born?

08/10/1994 in Chicago

Who are/where your parents?

Terry Milkovitch is my dad, my mother... dont know her name.

Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like?

Yeah my sister Mandy. We are both close. Shes a fighter, strong like a Milkovitch should be. Shes not afraid to tell you what shes thinking and I love that about her.

Where do you live now and with whom?

Chicago with Mandy and Terry.

What is your occupation?

Thug, pimp, security

To which Social class do you belong?

Poor, never going to get anywhere but that's fine.

Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses?

Fuck no. I'm as strong as they get... well if you consider family a weakness then yeah. They mean everything to me.

Are you right or left handed?

Right handed

What does your voice sound like?

Noel Fishers voice = Face claim

What words and/or phrases do you uses very frequently?

Fuck off, Carrot Top, Tough guy, Fire crotch, Fuck you, shut the fuck up...list goes on.

What do you have in your pockets?

Why the fuck should that matter? Wallet, money... maybe a gun.

Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics?

I'm a jealous person... can get violent when it comes to Caleb... I dont like it when others touch what's mine. ( Hes really Caleb's but... you know.) I drink, smoke and do drugs. It's better than dealing with the shit I deal with. Have a hard time being who I am... if people knew I'd be in a ditch somewhere.

Part 2: Growing up

How would you describe your childhood in general?

Violent. I grew up learning how to fight and dealing with my father. Of course it wasent all bad. Mandy was there with me through everything. Even stopped our dad from beating the shit out of me when he found a kid kissing me. Was the first kiss I had from a guy.

What is your earliest memory?

My dad beating the hell out of a guy that didnt pay up for a service he had done for him.

How much schooling have you had?

Plenty. I dropped out but schools not for everyone.

Did you enjoy school?

Fuck no. People always think they are better than you and if your poor they look at you like your scum. I left when I could.

Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities?

My father of course. Mother left when we were young so everything I know Is from him. The good and the bad but that's what makes us Milkovitch.

While growing up, did you have any role models?

My dad but now I'd rather be far away from him as I could. Always in jail, causing fights. What a great role model right?

While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family?

Never met my mother so nothing going on there. With Dad? Our relationship has never been the best. Mandy our relationship is amazing. I help her she helps me...Milkovitchs stay close to family. Through thick or thin.

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Alive. Living the Milkovitch way is dangerous. All I want to to stay breathing.

As a child, what were your favorite activities?

Beating up the biggers kids, proving I wasent weak. Spending time with my sister.

As a child,what kinds of personality traits did you display?

Violent, jealousy, stayed with family through everything, need to be accepted ( Not very open with others about why), cautious, careful ( When he nedded to be), responsible.

As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like?

Fuck no. Never been the popular type. Friends? Not really I beat kids up more than anything. They all feared me.

When and with whom was your first kiss?

I was 13 and was a girl... dont remember her name. My dad told me I needed to show interest in girls so I kissed her. Made him happy and got him off my back.

Are you a virgin? If not,when and with whom did you loose your virginity.

No definitely not a virgin... havent been in some time. I was 15 and no one knows but I said it was Angie... wasent her. Was a guy.

Part 3: past Influences

What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?

Meeting Caleb. Might not be a big event to others but to me it was pretty big.

Who has had the most influence on you?

My father much to my distaste but hes all I've got beside my sister with family.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Staying alive. This world we live in it's not the greatest. The strong are the ones that will survive

What is your greatest regret?

Being a pussy and not admitting my feelings. Remaining in the closet.. afraid my father will kill me if I admit what I am.

What is the most evil thing you have ever done?

Does being a pimp count? I havent killed anyone yet. Came close many times with a gun pointed at them or me beating the fuck out of them.

Do you have a criminal record of any kind?

Fuck yeah I do. Been in Juvie a few times... ok more than a few. What can I say I'm a bad person.

When was the time you were most frightened?

When my father was beating the shit out of me when he saw a guy kiss me. The other got the worst of it.

What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you?

Well finding out you like it up the ass is something I'd say qualifies.

If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be, and why?

Not being such a pussy about who I am. I'd change that fact because if I did I could be with who I wanted. Yeah my dad would be coming after me but at least I'd be worth it for Caleb.

What is your best memory?

Not many good ones but meeting Caleb for the first time was... it changed me.

What is your worst memory?

Fuck... I have too many bad ones to really say which was my worst.

Part 4: Beliefs & Opinions

Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic?

Neither I'm a realist. I know how things are.

What is your greatest fear?

Loosing anyone close to me.

What are your religious views?

Honestly I could give less a fuck... but my family is Christian.

What are your political views?

Not like I vote so it dont fucking matter.

What are your views on sex?

Best fucking thing ever! Helps with a lot of problems. People should do it more often. Less stress, issues... it's just better for you.

Are you able to kill?

Yeah depending on the circumstances

In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do?

Be a pedophile, I'll fucking kill one if I see one.

Do you believe in the existance of soul mates and/ or true love?

Honestly... I dont know. I feel something with Caleb I've never felt with anyone... it's kinda scary.

What do you believe makes a successful life?

Not being a snitch, doing what your supposed to do and beating people that dont pay you like they were supposed to. It's not hard. Everyone has problems.

How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings?

Depends who I'm talking with. I lie all the time.. I have to so my dad dosent find out about Caleb. I tend to be violent when asked if I'm gay.. I can't help it and fuck if Caleb knew how I felt about him... I dont know what would happen.

Do you have any biases or prejudices?

If we went off what my father thinks then I would.

Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? Why do you refuse to do it?

Snitch. I'm not a fucking snitch. The day I do that would have to be a fucking important reason.

Who or what,if anything, would you die for( or otherwise go to the extremes for?

Caleb aka. Carrot Top.

Part 5: Relationships w/others

In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping them at a distance, etc.)? Does your treatment of them change depending on how well you know them, and if so, how?

Depends if I know them. If I like them then they can see I'm a great guy. Of course if I dont know them and they piss me off they are going to end up bloody. In general you know me I'm a good guy, you dont know me I keep my eyes on you.

Who is the most important person in your life, and why?

Caleb... meeting him has changed my life.

Who is the person you respect the most, and why?

My sister. Shes strong and she hasent snitched on me. Thick and thin we are close and always there for one another.

Who are your friends? Do you have a best friend? Describe these people.

I dont have friends.

Do you have a spouse or significant other?

Caleb.... we arent married or anything so fuck off.

Have you ever been in love?

Yes

What do you look for in a potential lover?

Red head, batshit crazy, packing 9 inches.

How close are you to your family?

As close as I can be. We are there for one another though dads a dick.

Have you started your own family?

No

Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help?

My family, they wouldnt leave me hanging or in trouble.

Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why?

Myself... maybe my sister... and perhaps Caleb. Why fuck you that's why.

If you died or went missing, who would miss you?

My family and Caleb... I hope anyways.

Who is the person you despise the most, and why?

My dad. He would rather see me dead than let me be gay.

Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict?

Fuck no I fight with my fists, guns, anything I can get.

Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations?

Sometimes depends on the situation.

Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not?

No. I like who I like and large groups are not my thing.

Do you care what others think of you?

Fuck no ( A little)

Part 6: Likes & Dislikes

What is/are your favorite hobbies and pastimes?

Fights... to an extent.. dont really have hobbies and I mostly do things for the family.

What is your most treasured possession?

One of Caleb's jackets

What is your favorite color?

Green

What is your favorite food?

Steak

What, if anything, do you like to read?

Dont read

Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs?

I do all three, helps with stress.

How do you spend a typical Saturday night?

Fuck, really depends on what's going on. Things pop up all the time.

What makes you laugh?

Caleb... he makes me laugh a lot.

What, if anything, shocks or offends you?

Being called gay... I tend to get violent. Even if it's TRUE, living with my father has made me this way.

What would you do if you had insomnia and had to find something to do to amuse yourself?

Go see Caleb

How do you deal with stress?

Drink, smoke, do drugs, fuck... a lot of things.

Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan?

Both

What are your pet peeves?

Girls hitting on me all the time, being my dads punching bag... yeah

Part 7: Self Image & Other

What is your greatest strength as a person?

Surviving

What is your greatest weakness?

Caleb

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

To be stronger... to tell my father who I am and live through the beating.

Are you generally introverted or extroverted?

Extroverted

Are you generally organized or messy?

Both

Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at, and three things you consider yourself to be very bad at.

Good: Fighting, taking care of family matters, lying ( sometimes hes terrible but he thinks hes amazing at it)

Bad: Admitting my feelings, showing how I feel... to an extent, loving others

Do you like yourself?

No

What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime?

Get over my Dads hate for gays and come out

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

In jail

If you could choose, how would you want to die?

Protecting my loved one

If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left.

See Caleb, fuck, then go spend time with Mandy

What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death?

Being the first gay Milkovitch why the fuck not?

What three words best describe your personality?

Attractive, energetic, reliable

What three words would others probably use to describe you?

Aggressive, dangerous, dedicated

If you could, what advice would you, the mun, give to your character?

Theres nothing to be ashamed of! Be gay be whatever you want! Your perfect the way you are even with the rough edges. Your doing good but you and Mandy need to leave your father.

Tagging: @sin-of-the-father , @magicalmusesandwheretofindthem

[pokefanbri]

I got in touch with my 1st love a couple months ago..hes a half native American & white dude, pretty pudgy now like triple the size of himself in middle school lol. Doesn't have much time left on this earth I feel for him, im glad I know now cause if I hadn't it probably would've been alot more devastating. Doesnt have to wear a mask cuz really whats the point. We met for coffee, got to hang out at the mall & he visited my work, we did talk & clear the air..got some things out that were left unsaid & i gotta say it really did help & we're better for it 😊 we're now cool & no hard feelings.

We used to be on & off in hs but the last time I broke it off with him for good reasons & also due to my mother 😒 If it weren't for him & our own experiences, & then every guy since...I would've have known how much I really love or attached I can be to someone (which has been all of them really but does disintegrate over time & going into new relationships they become just a distant memory as the yrs go by & then ur all about the new guy 🤔 basically right) or how unattached I can get when I just dont love them anymore...(of which has only happened twice)

For the record I've had 5 relationships my whole life...not counting flings..out of 2 they broke up with me.. & they so happen to be the ones i fell hard & fast for...its a common theme but they are the best ones I've experienced & I think I have a confirmed type now that I think about it lol. Im thinking too much again, but..they're top tier unforgettable.

I fell damn fucking hard this time around just like I did Thomas..don't think I got enough of him either...😤 seriously wtf is it with these charming & hilarious, headstrong, smart ass, string bean, stoner, Leo men fucking my heart up after only a few months time! What is the universe trying to tell me! I swear to God in another lifetime they would've been friends its an incredible likeness. History repeated itself it seems..I was so in love with him too, we were only 19 but omg he was awesome & we were ALL OVER EACHOTHER 🤤. He was my coworker, a red headed skinny bobblehead tho, & lived in my apt complex his best friend Danny boy did too in his own, hard core Call of Duty players I remember they high jacked my tv for optimum experience...😒 walking the tv across the parking lot was super sketchy looking lol.

Anyway after Thomas broke up with me for saying the L word "too soon" it freaked him out I guess & my brain cracked from the devastation...doctors are convinced it was the weed 😒 and apparently I ODd on Tylenol...crock of bs btw but whatever...i couldn't sleep & for days I was in a haze til I finally called my aunt for help & all of a sudden I was locked away in a psych ward for 2 weeks so they could observe what was wrong & diagnose me. Had to quit pima college & stop working, put everything on hold for my health. After I came back, Tom admitted he wanted me back but he hated my 1st love with a passion. I confessed I was back with my 1st as he was there at my side & visiting..when Tom had no idea where tf I was, me missing worried him sick. I had no clue & for all I knew he forgot about me while I was grieving over us in the hospital (I couldn't have my phone..knew a select few #s by heart otherwise he would've been the 1st I'd call), I was still dazed & super fucked up from the hospital..just outright exhausted when Thomas came to my apartment wanting to try again....yea I messed that up though regretfully. I told him the truth...I know it hurt him, hurt me too. Never saw Thomas again 😔 he was my 2nd, wonder how he is.

After I broke up with my 1st there was like a 1 or 2 month relationship with a fat Irish dude named Patrick I met from college, he insulted my mom..kicked his ass the curb 😂 yea she chased him away too just like my 1st...but an Irish version..was kinda a deadbeat anyway good riddance. I was alone for about 5 years after that til eventually met my ex-husband matt & was with him for technically 7 years & then that ended.

Long story short I was hit with another love bomb over the past year (T2.0 lol) & the fallout is taking forever to disapate lol...well good technically I don't want it to yet lmao, it feels good to love someone with a full heart except for the fact they ain't here 😔

I love genuinely & with a full heart, ive never had a problem with love, except for my abusive mother I sought approval for....never have I been with someone that didnt want it...didn't want me, until him. If someone shows that to me in a relationship it hurts me at the roots, u don't understand how much it brings out that little girl that just wants to be loved back..to be wanted. It hurts to think im not even worth that. I realize though that he may have his own issues to get past first b4 he can learn to give it back & its not my fault. I should on some things honestly but I don't blame him..not anymore. I blame my own trauma that made me so fucking sensitive & off-putting to him, going from 1 relationship to another without healing first, & not knowing how to function walking on eggshells around a new person trying not to piss them off...not knowing how to do a fresh relationship from the start again....when you've been with 1 person prior for 7 yrs.

I grew up being beaten as a kid, I have no father, my mother chose drugs over her own children, everybody in my family arent like a hallmark card far from it...its fucking tucson ok it's a hell hole. A good amount are notorious for causing trouble around the city, nobody talks to eachother..stays away & fends for themselves, or just killing themselves with drugs & selfishly hurting people around them. Very few of us are really trying to make it out & create life for ourselves but it's really hard to escape because we're all struggling. I cry because I've been strong for way too long on my own, I cry when I think im not good enough. Besides some relationships & friendships along the way for support guess who's always taken care of herself to survive, yours truly. It's a huge accomplishment that I've never been homeless, only a couple times have I had to rely on a friend or family member for a roof over my head & that was just 2020-2021,boy is it good to have connections during a pandemic phew, alot more tough to find someone willing to help. My big sis Lisa, my mentor assigned to me at 12 yrs old cuz my mom couldn't be a real parent lol...she says im a strong princess thats gone through hell & back, she's seen me do it countless times, she can attest to how much of a boss & survivor I am...she knows I deserve nothing but to be appreciated,respected, valued. I'm underestimated all the time because apparently people think they can read what kinda person I am just by looking at me or by word of mouth, hell no very doubtful screw u lol... i don't need anybody's belittling opinions of what kind of person I am ok, how about talk to me & ill see if u in the ballpark lol cuz I guarantee im a boss ass goody 2 shoes that can kick butt 😊. So listen here, I know my worth & I deserve a prince to keep me safe from the big bad world right? I need an actual shoulder to cry on not someone that'll walk away when I need them most 😔 Why tf do I feel like rapunzel & all I get is fuckin Flynn 😂 I'm a queen ok, hear me now.

This will be my 3rd own rented apartment. The 1st time I was a teen & imancipated...had that place for a few years 1st & 2nd love era, 2nd time was the escape from my mother as an adult & I moved away eventually got married. And now at another turning point in my life... escaping a very different hell & losing pretty much everything including the man that started it all, 3rd time is the charm right. Fuck my life sidewinder style. Honestly this is the best apartment complex I've found that I want as my home....its gated nothing can touch me from outside unless I say so, so at least im secure to a point.

Why am I talking and not sleeping 😐 I'm tired, it's 5am now. Yeaaaaa I'm done 💤

[saintbalor-blog]

“ BYE-BYE BOWERS, HELLO HOCKSTETTER ! “

REQUEST: stalker!patrick. so maybe he’s obsessed with the new girl in derry, creeps her out heaps, he notices she’s becoming close/flirty with a boy (maybe henry lol but thats up to you) and hes PISSED, because she is HIS property, so one day she’s walking home and he follows her, the parents arent home, NSFW content begins to boil~~ i will give you my entire life if its a super long story, this massive patrick fanfic shortage is destroying me, i love u btw, thanks for blessing us w/ ur writing.

A/N: pls don’t slut shame y/n for wanting a lil’ makeout here and there, girls are allowed to want those things too without being called sluts !!!! let your little hearts enjoy making out as much as the next boy does !!!!

The infamous Patrick Hockstetter wasn’t sure if it was the way Y/F/N oh so confidently carried herself through the crowded school halls on her first day, despite the ‘NEW KID’ label pasted all over her, oozing a level of confidence that he desperately desired to rip away from her. He wasn’t sure if it was the way each male gaze shamelessly lingered over her body a little too long when she wore that floral dress, evident that they were all harboring their own sinful thoughts based around the girl just like he was and making her an even better challenge; he’d have the girl every guy wanted in his hands including the girl Henry Bowers was currently infatuated with.

Patrick’s sick little game of making her his was no secret to Y/N, noticing the way he went out of his way to throw vile passes at her whenever his friends weren’t around and how his gaze hungrily took her in whenever she passed by him — mimicking the look a lion shot it’s future meal. It was a look that made her wish the hallway’s tiled floor would suck her in and take her far away from him, wishing she’d never have to be in the same vicinity as him ever again but that was near impossible.

Henry setting his sights on her not only made it harder to avoid Patrick but it made it far more difficult to remain under the radar since everyone knew Bowers had his eyes on her since the moment she stepped foot in the school; they just weren’t sure of the emotions behind his motives. To her, it was crystal clear what he wanted from her when he began cat calling her from his spot against his locker, his short-fuse always ticking when she would simply roll her eyes and continue walking away from him — unaware of the smile ghosting across the lips him and Patrick had dirty thoughts about when she was out of their sight.

As much as Henry Bowers wanted to ignore the way Patrick leered at the girl of his dreams like Y/N did, it was growing harder and harder when the thoughts that she might choose Patrick over him began crossing his mind. That petty insecure thought of having Hockstetter as competition fueled his frustration towards the girl ignoring him even more, causing him to have far more grumpy days than he’d like.

Though, those frustrating days were put to rest when he was rummaging through his mess of a locker for his knife, shutting the metal door once his search was done and revealing the face he’d think of whenever he got off at night waiting for him on the other side.

Pressing her mix textbooks and spiral journals closer to her chest in anticipation, Y/N flashed him a toothy smile and delivered a soft “Hi” in his direction. Henry froze in his shoes, not anticipating the girl’s sudden bravery and unsure of how to go about it; not one that’s particularly skilled in the female department, his friend��s not offering much help on their end as they were nowhere to be seen.

Unaware that one of his ‘friends’ actually was in the area, Henry went about the situation as best as he could manage, not noticing the daggers being shot at his back as Patrick watched the whole ordeal from the corner of the hall. Morbid thoughts of beating his friend to a pulp raced through his brain when he watched Y/N rip a sheet of lined paper from the glittery pink notebook and scrawl her number on it, handing it to Henry with a flirtatious bat of her eyelashes before turning on her heel.

Sucking in the inside of his cheek and biting it when Henry stuffed the note that belonged to him in his pocket, Patrick made it his goal of the day to bring it upon himself to remind Y/N who she actually belonged to. Once Henry was out of hall, probably heading off to the car since it dismissal, Patrick began following Y/N on her walk home with her friend; keeping a safe distance away from the gossiping pair.

“It’s good to have a little danger in your life every now and then.” Y/N laughed with her friend when she told her about who she gave her number to earlier, trying to convince her friend that it wasn’t as bad of an idea as she thought while they walked down the sidewalk together — unaware of the pair of dark eyes watching them from a few feet behind. “Plus a little makeout here and there isn’t so bad either.”

“It’s not only the fact that you went for Bowers of all people,” Lana, Y/N’s first friend at the school, scrunched her nose in disgust at Y/N’s taste in boys. “But you went for him when you know Patrick has a thing for you too, it’s like you’re asking for crazy psycho-boy drama in your life.” She exclaimed, using hand motions to further emphasize how reckless Y/N’s plan was; knowing that there would be no positive outcome with messing with that gang of boys.

Y/N shrugged, hooking her thumbs around the thick straps of her backpack and shooting her friend a knowing look. “We’ll hang out, we’ll makeout, and that’ll be it. Nothing more, nothing less.” Her words were spoken with such conviction that Lana almost believed her, almost, but she knew who Henry and Patrick were.

She knew Y/N was messing with deadly fire and was bound to get burned sooner or later, whether it be by Bower’s short temper or Hockstetter’s sickly ways.

“Alright but when it all blows up in your face, don’t you dare drag me into that crazy drama that’s gonna unfold.” Lana sighed in defeat and pointed an accusatory finger at her gal pal, knowing that Y/N’s freshness in the school didn’t allow her to fully realize who the Bowers’ gang was.

“That won’t be the only thing blowing up in my face.” Y/N shot her friend a suggestive smirk across her lip glossed lips once her brand new home came into view, raising her eyebrows before bursting out into laughter once she saw Lana’s disgusted expression painted across her pretty features.

“Gross.” Lana playfully pushed Y/N’s shoulder, not thankful for the visual image she got of her good friend and Henry Bowers together. “Be careful with him, with both of them.”

She sternly warned Y/N once more when they were a few steps away from her friend’s home, pulling her into a quick hug and feeling a cold front in her body when she thought she caught a glimpse of a familiar raven haired boy. Not being able to see it a second time, she shook her head at the stupid idea and smiled at her friend before parting ways.

“See ya!” Y/N called over her shoulder, fingers wrapping themselves around her black lanyard with her house keys and a hand waving goodbye to her friend. “Make sure to give me all the deets tomorrow!”

Upon entering her home, she was met with the familiar silence she always received after school, her parents always off at work. Kicking the door shut with her foot without locking the door, her first mistake of the night, she was eager to destress from school as she headed up to her room.

Lana’s words of caution rang in her head, ‘—with both of them’, the thought of double danger enticing her teenage hormones far more than it should. Tossing her backpack and lanyard to their designated corner of her room, Y/N headed over to her closet and began undressing from her school clothes in hopes of getting comfier but the figure looming at her doorway had other plans in mind.

Her jeans were barely pooling around her ankles when she felt a clammy hand fall over her mouth, the lipgloss providing a sticky barrier between her lips and the skin. Fingers played in between the strands of her hair as she felt the rough fabric of denim rubbing against the back of her exposed thighs, the cold touch of the metal from his belt buckle pressing against her lower back and his hot breath playing against the sensitive skin of her neck.

“It’s like you knew I was coming over, getting all ready for me to fuck you.” Patrick whispered in her ear, the sound of his voice causing her to squirm even more as his tongue began leaving a trail of saliva from her ear all the way down to her shoulder.

Y/N’s feelings grew conflicted as she tried to remind herself that this was not the boy she wanted, that she preferred having to take the direct route herself with Henry than having it taken on her like he was currently doing. Y/N’s body was betraying her, though, when she felt her back arch into his body as his hand moved from her hair to in between her thighs and his lips began leaving heavy kisses on her neck.

Shutting her eyes in a feeble attempt to shut out the pleasure he was giving her, she pushed her elbow back into his boner when his hand was inches away from her reaching the material of her underwear. Stumbling with an amused grin plastered on his face, the back of his hand wiped the saliva glazing his lips that were previously worshipping her skin as he looked down at the flustered half-dressed girl with intent to finish what he started — teaching her a lesson of who she belonged to.

“I swear to god if you don’t leave, I’ll call Henry right now and tell him that you’re here.” Y/N attempted her best to sound intimidating but it proved to be tough when you were standing in front of a boy who thrived on making your life hell. “He’ll kick your fucking ass.” She added once she noticed he wasn’t backing down, instead, his lanky figure was beginning to inch closer to her once again.

Y/N’s eyes glanced over at the pastel phone resting on the bedside table, remembering that Henry was due to call any moment and her situation wouldn’t sit well with him. The bedroom wall by her phone put an end to her small escape from Patrick, her body softly hitting the wall and forcing her to accept that her fate was in his hands now; despite this being her room and her home.

Eyes that could never match his amount of bad intentions met his oceanic ones that were deep in sin and misbehavior when he stood in front of her, his body towering over hers as his arm rested against the space above her and his hand aggressively cupped her face. His fingers pressed into her skin with a hostility that didn’t quite match the entertained smile on his lips as he forced her attention on him.

“I’ll tell Henry you begged me to fuck you, you little slut, and he won’t even think twice about putting you through some hell for ‘betraying him’.” Patrick threatened, enjoying the way her eyes widened at his words and her chest heaving up and down in anxiousness. “That kid is ruthless when it comes to things that he thinks belong to him. I think it has to do with his major daddy issues.”

“You wouldn’t.” Y/N breathed, not wanting to ruin her school life for herself so quickly; unaware that any sense of peace and fun at school was quickly stripped from her life when she decided to get involved with the boys, proving Lana’s words right. “You’re so fucking sick, Patrick.” She spat when he leered at her and innocently shrugged his shoulders at the idea of ruining her life, all because she gave Bowers her number.

Any statement lacking the sense of a threat escaping her lips was cut short when the shrill sound of her phone ringing filled the tense air, her gaze shifting over to Patrick as if asking for his permission to get the phone. Pushing her towards the phone with the hand placed on her chin, Patrick took a seat atop of the bedside table and next to the phone as she a hesitant hand on top of the phone, unsure if she should risk him saying anything into the phone to anger Henry.

“I’d suggest answering before it gets to a fourth ring, our little Henry isn’t the most patient guy in the world.” Patrick’s voice ripped her from the privacy of her thoughts, reminding her that the phone had already rung three times and she hadn’t picked it up yet.

“Hello?” Y/N nervously greeted the caller on the other end, keeping her watch on Patrick and twirling the cord of the phone with her index finger. “Henry, hey. Me? I’m not up to anything, what about you?”

Trying to sound calm and collected when danger was basically staring you right in the eye with a smile resembling the Cheshire Cat was proving to be far more difficult than she thought. Averting his gaze away from him, she hoped it would make the long awaited phone call go easier but it only made Patrick want to make it more difficult when she stripped him of her attention.

Patrick pushed himself off the wooden furniture and stepped back in front of her, aware that she couldn’t move away from him due to the phone cord being as little as his self-control. The way she spoke the other boy’s name with such glee in her tone infuriated him, his hands forcefully pushing her against the wall, the back of her head colliding with the bedroom wall with a hard thump and a pain-filled whine slipping out.

“Oh, I just tripped on a book, sorry. What were you saying about tonight?” Y/N saved her ass, quick to come up with an excuse for her the ‘ow’ the betrayed her and slipped out of her mouth.

Moving back to his previous position from a few minutes prior, Patrick laid his arm on the wall above her head, his free hand trailing up her inner thigh with a slowness that actually left her craving for him to speed up. Feeling his large hand curl around her upper thigh and squeeze, Y/N’s shaky breath hitched in the back of her throat.

“Y-Yeah, I’m totally up for it if you are, Henry.” Y/N’s sudden stuttering reminded Henry of the loser with the missing brother, any sign of the confident girl from the hallway gone and giving him the confidence boost he needed for himself as he gave her details for later.

Henry’s babbling about later was becoming irrelevant to her as Patrick pressed his slender fingers against her underwear, taking his time with each circular motion they made while his lips closed around the skin resting behind her ear lobe. Y/N’s grip around the curve of the plastic phone loosened when she felt him rob her off his heavenly touch, the hand between her thighs trailing around her lips as he slid two fingers in her mouth, coating them with her saliva before moving back between her legs.

“So, it’s a date?” Y/N interrupted Henry’s drawn out explanation on tonight’s events, the giddiness she felt earlier at the thought of hearing his voice on her phone diminishing each time Patrick’s nipped on the skin of her neck, the tip of his tongue trailing over the spot and towards the next with each nip.

“The guys will still be there so no but you can call it a date if you want.” Henry’s indifference towards a romantic date would’ve upset her earlier but now, with Patrick working on a hickey by her ear and his fingers sliding her underwear to the side, she didn’t seem to have a care in the world for Henry. “I know you’re not comfortable with Hockstetter so I could just not mention it to him, if you want.”

At the mention of his name, Patrick stopped working on the bruise he was giving her and waited for her to give what he deemed a correct response.

“Well…” Y/N teasingly trailed off, much to Patrick’s dismay but was quickly stumbling over a plea for Henry to reconsider when Patrick moved the free hand on the wall to her throat, his fingers quick to curl around her neck. “I actually don’t mind Patrick so it’s fine if he goes.”

“You sure?” Henry was confused by her sudden approval of the tall boy, vaguely remembering her mentioning how creepy she found him when they were talking in the hallway earlier.

Patrick’s fingers tightened around her throat when she took a second too long to reply to the boy on the other line, not wanting their facade to fall apart so easily. If anyone was going to be the bearer of news to Henry, it would be him and it would be face-to-face with a smug tone from him.

“Pa-“ What started off as a moan for the odd boy holding her down was cut off when she remembered she was on the phone, Patrick’s lips quirking up into a sick smirk at her almost slip up when he released her throat. “Patrick isn’t as bad as I thought, Henry, so it’s fine.” She weakly tried to explain, feeling his hand snake down to her side, gripping her hard enough to let her know he planned on leaving bruises on her body.

“What the hell is up with you, Y/L/N?” By now, Bowers was growing agitated by her strange behavior, a tiny part deep inside of him feeling as though it was his fault but the reality was much worse. “You’re acting weird as fuck right now.” His tone was terse and harsh, underlying times of insecurity there for anyone who cared to look.

“Sorry, Henry,” Y/N was quick to apologize, the feeling of Patrick’s fingers - coated in her spit - sliding in her with ease pushing her to end the conversation before she’d moan something she’d regret. “I’m just excited to see you is all, I mean it.” She was quick to choose something she knew would appeal to his bruised ego and she was right, his mood perked up immediately.

“Good, I’m picking you up in an hour.” The sound of Henry’s voice holding a grin in it made Patrick want to laugh, his demented brain already thinking of all the ways he’d rub it in his face that the girl wouldn’t even dream of being with him after he was done with her.

The click of the phone call ending was enough for Patrick to snatch the phone from her weak hold and slam it back into the receiver. His hand gripping onto her side quick to scoop her wrists in it and place them above her head, making her back arch as she craved for him to continue fingering her, his slender fingers going in nice and slow each time.

Moving from her neck to her soft lips, he pushed his lips against hers with an intensity that she could only label as animalistic, the insides of her lips pressing against her teeth. It wasn’t romantic or sweet by any means but it was good enough for the moment, her body more focused on the way he slid his fingers in an out of her than how romantic he was being with her.

“Patrick.” Y/N moaned his name between the fiery kisses, his lips parting from hers as he decided to take a look at his work, indulging in the sight of the girl’s shaking body beneath him; relishing in the fact at how fast he brought her down to him.

“That’s right. Say my name, not Bowers’. You’re mine, Y/N, all mine.” Patrick pulled the collar of her shirt down, attaching himself to the skin barely exposed by the wear of a shirt and beginning to leave his second hickey of the night, planning on it to be bigger than the last.

“Stop, he’s gonna see-“ Y/N protested but the idea of Henry seeing her that intimately just made him work faster on it, eager to crush the idea of those two ever being together. She quickly left the idea of stopping him when she felt that familiar sensation course through her body. “Shit.” She cursed under her breath when Patrick slid his fingers out of her, the material of her underwear sliding back into place and damp from how wet he left her.

Unwrapping himself from the shaking and bruised girl, he departed from him with eager thoughts of her breaking Henry’s heart later. “I’ll see you in an hour.” Patrick excused himself, shooting her only last satisfied glance before exiting her room.

[strawberryspeachy]

So when i was a senior in college it seemed like the internet was suddenly buzzing with the word “toxic”

Cut the toxic people out of your life

That persons toxic

That behaviors toxic

Initially i read them/listened to the videos seriously

But eventually i gathered that EVERYTHING is toxic

Basically people ever since then call everything that makes them uncomfortable or that they dislike - toxic.

And someone purposely and repeatedly making another person uncomfortable is “toxic”. Puposely. And repeatedly.

Because everyone is fucking different and people cant read your fucking mind so if you dont say what bothers you or that something is bothering you - other people dont know

My friends keep telling me thay my ex was manipulative and narcissistic. He cheated on me and he lied to me. But i also fucked up. He told me that it was ok and that he forgave me. And ive been struggling to find out if what i did deserved him to lie to me for the next month and then cheat on me all while telling me he wanted our relationship to continue with just the two of us.

Im seriously torn up blaming myself. Im confused and i feel terrible. Terrible for things i said and terrible that he treated me the way thag he did.

So while my friends have been telling me he was a manipulative narc - when i looked into it i felt like it was me a little

But then the more i look - the more the descriptions change

Every fucking video and description and post and blog - they all have different qualifiers

Manipulators

Narcissist

Sociopath

Psychopaths

Literally any word that describes a bad person - they all get woven in together with the same descriptors - and completely different at the same time

All these “therapists” and life coaches and people talking and writing like theyre an expert

First off. More than anything. Theyre all super fucking vague.

But what they all really dig into (and the same reason i sometimes hate criminal minds) they all preach

‘If you had a difficult childhood’

‘If you never really fit in’

‘If youve gone through tramatic events’

‘If you have depression’

Youre a shitty person whose abusing other people.

They always say that the abusers know theyre doing it!! Oh except when they dont. They don’t know theyre doing it!

They always say “their victims” but then call the abusers people with victim complexes... well then.... i guess everyone in this scenario is a victim??

“Dont let your abuser diminish your feelings!” “Heres some talking points on how to shut down conversations and instead diminish the ‘abusers’ feelings”

And I’m back to that annoyance i had back in 2014 when the word toxic was plastered all over the internet.

Toxic people exist

These personality problems exist

Obviously. Abusers exist.

But everything is fucking abuse and breaking boundaries to whoever the authors of these outlets are

And as someone who was really looking for information- it was not helpful at all. Im even more confused than when i started.

Also. Their bs on how to deal with abusers isnt even helpful. My great grandmother and mother and grandfather were/are all abusive. They really act like you can just shut a real abuser down and just walk away.

Who have these people talked to?!?!? Sociopaths on their best behavior who are trying to look good to the public?? Obviously yeah

I spent my whole life trying to find ways to avoid getting screamed at and demeaned by my great grandmother.

Be happy - shed follow me around proding and asking favors until she saw any twitch in my face and then yell at me for not wanting to do something that i agreed to do or not liking someone that i said i liked cause she saw on my face that i didnt and she wanted to get me upset/angry

Be neutral. Same thing. Also. Why arent i happy??

Be angry - worked the best. She really just wanted me angry anyhow. Id still get told off for not being happy and appropriative enough - but if i were angry she could go complain to other people about how terrible i was.

Try to calm her down??? No. That couldnt happen... this is a woman who yelled at me as an adult for not befriending my childhood bullies as a child because i was “a miserable rude girl who had no friends”

Ask her to calm down or leave me alone? That’s incredibly fucking rude and how dare I speak to her that way

Tell her something she said was smart or interesting? Get berated for being stupid and told off because ‘she knows i wont take her advice!’

Uhhh yea. Youre right smart o therapist calling me toxic for having a difficult childhood. Im not over it. And if i had any of these therapists as a kid theyd probably tell me that my great grandmother was just instilling “tough love” even though it became very clear that she never actually loved me at all after she died.

Tldr: i still hate the term “toxic” to describe ppl and am coming to hate the term narc as well because people use it to describe every single person that does anything they dislike

[arplis]

Arplis - News: 38 Fun Things to Do in Tucson, Arizona

With incredible outdoor adventures, some of the best Mexican food in the U.S. (yes, seriously!), and a vibrant nightlife, Tucson may just be the perfect weekend getaway. Oh, and did we mention Tucson has wonderfully warm temperatures in the wintertime?! (Fellow Midwesterners, take note!)

The population of Tucson is just over half a million people, making it feel like a relatively small city. But dont be fooled there are an incredible amount of things to do in Tucson!

While there are many things to do in the city itself, the real draw of Tucson is what lies beyond. The Sonoran Desert which surrounds Tucson, is one of the only places in the world to see the iconic saguaro cactus, after all.

Were walking you through the very best things to do in Tucson, Arizona from epic outdoor adventures to foodie experiences to nightlife for all ages.

Our Experience in Tucson

Im going to be honest: Until recently, Tucson wasnt on my radar at all. Instead, I pictured the Grand Canyon and cities like Phoenix, Sedona and Scottsdale when I thought of Arizona.

So when my parents booked a 2-week Airbnb rental in Tucson to escape Minnesotas frigid winter clutches, I asked them, What is there to do in Tucson?

The timing was uncanny, because a week after my parents booked their trip, we were contacted by Visit Tucson (the tourism board) to work on a campaign with them. And all of a sudden, a city I hadnt ever thought much about took center stage in my mind.

When we started planning our trip to Tucson, I truly started to realize why my parents had booked 2 weeks there. As it turns out, theres a lot to do in this southwestern city!

This info-packed guide is full of top tips, where to stay, what foods to try , and everything else you need to know about planning an incredible trip to Tucson.

Contents:

Things to do in Tucson:

Outdoor Activities in Tucson

Food & Nightlife in Tucson

Art, Culture & History in Tucson

Planning your trip to Tucson:

Best Tucson Weekend Itinerary

Best time to visit Tucson

Where to stay in Tucson

How to Get Around Tucson

What to pack for Tucson

Tucson Map

Disclosure: This trip and article was sponsored by Visit Tucson. As always, all opinions are 100% honest and completely our own. Additionally, this article contains affiliate links. Read our disclosure policy for more information.

Outdoor Adventures in Tucson

If you like getting outside, youll find your bliss in Tucson because there are so many outdoor adventures to be had in the area surrounding this city.

1. Go horseback riding in the desert

I am going to embarrass Ben for a minute while I tell you something about him few people know: Hes afraid of horses.

Hes looking over my shoulder as I type this and saying, Im not afraid, I just think theyre smart and strong, and we should respect them.

Yeah, okay whatever, Ben.

But to his credit, he agreed to go horseback riding on our trip to Tucson. (Ive been asking him for the last couple of years, and he finally gave in.)

And you know what? When I asked Ben what his highlight was from our trip to Tucson, the first thing out of his mouth was, horseback riding!. So even if youre not an experienced rider, Bens reaction should give you some encouragement.

It was hands down one of my favorite experiences in Tucson too! We were able to see places we never would have without being saddled up on John Wayne and Mac (names of our horses).

Bobbi, the owner of Houstons Horseback Riding, led our group along the trail. We crossed rivers, ducked beneath low-hanging trees, and trotted past giant saguaro cacti with mountains looming in the distance. The landscape changed throughout the 2-hour journey, and the pace was slow and steady (great for those of us who arent experienced riders).

The views we got right up next to the saguaros on top of the horses was completely different than the perspective wed get walking on the trail with our own two feet. It was surreal.

And after chatting with Bobbi, its clear how much passion she has for this work. She has been working with horses for nearly her entire life and has passed on her admiration for these beautiful creatures to her children who help run the show as well. I mean, with about 30 horses to care for, the more hands the better.

So not only will you have an amazing experience with the horses, but youre supporting a family run business. Win-win!

Hours: Trail rides start at 9 a.m and 2:30 p.m.

Cost: $85 for a 2 hour walking ride

Book Your Horseback Ride Here!

Are you an experienced rider? If youre no stranger to horseback riding, you can book a private ride where your guide will adjust the speed to suit your experience level.

2. Visit Saguaro National Park

Saguaro are the huge cacti that adorn the Arizona license plate and serve as an icon of Southwest USA. And there is a National Park just 30 minutes from downtown Tucson that is dedicated to their existence.

Before we delve into the best things to do in Saguaro National Park, lets start with the basics pronunciation.

Say it with me: suh-waa-row

Now you wont embarrass yourselves like we did. (Youre welcome!)

And because I am fascinated by these cacti, Im gonna entertain you with some fun facts about the saguaro:

They can live to be 150 years old (some even are said to be 200 years old!).

They can grow up to 40-60 feet tall (12-18 meters).

They dont start growing arms until theyre around 70 years old.

They only grow in parts of the Sonoran Desert (a small area in Mexico, southern Arizona, and occasionally southeastern California.

They are expensive! Thats right, some people like to incorporate them into their landscaping, and the large ones can cost upwards of $10,000. The more arms it has, the more money it costs.

One foot of a saguaro weighs around 100 pounds!

We have a love affair with National Parks. Anyone else?! So it should come as no surprise that the first thing we plotted on our Tucson itinerary was a visit to Saguaro National Park.

And guess what?! It was our 20th US National Park! *cue champagne toast*

Saguaro is divided into two sections: one to the east and one to the west. In the middle lies the city of Tucson. Each side is a bit different. The west side of the park is more densely covered with saguaro, while the east side has more hiking trails and is more mountainous.

Try to see both sides if possible, but if youre short on time, visiting the west side of the park will be the best way to maximize your visit.

Best things to do in Saguaro National Park (with limited time):

West Side Saguaro National Park:

Drive around the 6-mile scenic Bajada Loop, and stop along the way at the spots listed below (plus any others that pique your interest):

Hugh Norris Trailhead: Hike up the trail for about 5-7 minutes and look west. Youll see tons of saguaro cacti and this spot would be wonderful for sunset.

Valley View Overlook Trail: 0.8-mile one-way (out and back) easy trail that is relatively flat. There are signs along the way pointing out the different types of plants and the final destination is a viewpoint over the vast valley below that is full of cacti.

Signal Hill Picnic Area: This short 0.3-mile hike up signal hill leads you to dozens of 800-year old petroglyphs that were created by the ancient Hohokam people.

East Side Saguaro National Park:

Drive along the Cactus Forest Drive Loop. It is an 8-mile self-drive loop that takes you to some of the major attractions in the east side of Saguaro National Park:

Mica View Trail: This relatively flat 2-mile return hike starts at a nice picnic area, goes through the cactus forest to East Broadway Blvd and back. You can also start the hike from E Broadway Blvd too.

Desert Ecology Trail: Paved 0.3-mile loop with signs to tell you more about desert plants. Great walk for kids.

Cactus Forest Trail: Splits the East Saguaro National Park from North to South. 5-mile return, mostly flat, but youll be surrounded with saguaro cacti the entire time.

Freeman Homestead Trail: Short 1-mile loop trail easy to do with kids. Youll walk by some of the biggest and oldest saguaros in the park.

Have more time in Saguaro National Park?

Douglas Spring Trailhead (East Side): This is a 16-mile out and back trail that is pretty flat for the first half and then switchbacks up the mountain until the top. About a quarter of the way on the trail, head to the left for 0.4 miles to see the Bridal Wreath Falls (dont expect a massive falls, but refreshing to see in the desert).

King Canyon Trail (West Side): The trailhead starts opposite of the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum, this 7.1-mile moderate trail winds its way up to Wasson Peak. Many reports say its tough on the way up and you should start early, but youll be rewarded with an amazing view of the saguaro cacti filled desert.

Hours: Visitor Centers are open 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. but the park is open to vehicles from sunrise to sunset.

Cost: weekly pass to Saguaro National Park is $25 per vehicle.

Insider tip: If you dont already have an America the Beautiful Pass, you might want to consider getting one before your trip to Tucson. It will not only cover your entrance to the National Park, but also to Sabino Canyon. Weve put together a guide thatll help you decide if the US National Park Pass is worth it for you.

3. Mountain Biking around Tucson

There are few things better than being outside, getting your heart pumping, and trying something totally new. And thats exactly what we did on our last morning in Tucson. We woke up before the sun, grabbed a breakfast burrito for fuel, and headed to a trailhead.

Tucson has some of the best places in Arizona if not the best for mountain biking. And whether youre a newbie to the sport (like us!) or a seasoned mountain biker, there are trails suited to all levels.

Important info about biking in Tucson:Here's the thing we wish we would have known before going mountain biking in Tucson... Some of the trails around the city are unsanctioned, meaningyou cannot legally ride on them without getting a permit. And the even sketchier thing is some mountain bike rental companies encourage riders to use these trails without first obtaining anArizonaState Trust Landpermit.

Even after quite a bit of sleuthing, we still can't figure out how a visitor to Tucson could actually purchase one of these permits (as the site to purchase them is broken). Moral of the story: When picking the trails you'll ride, be extra careful to choose only those that are sanctioned. Otherwise, you can be fined (and you're breaking the law).

Luckily, there are some reputable biking companies that follow the rules and encourage safe riding on trails that are open for the public to enjoy.

Our recommendation:Home Grown Mountain Bikingis a trusted company that offers rentals, shuttle services, and guided rides so you have an expert with you on the trails.Cost: Mountain bike rentals start at $120 per day. You'll find other package options as well as multi-day discounts.

Some popular mountain bike trails in Tucson (that don't require a permit):

Mount Lemmon:Lots of rugged terrain and temperatures that are significantly cooler than you'll find closer to the city, which makes for comfortable biking even in hotter months.

Catalina State Park, Oro Valley:Lots of beautiful trails, like the intermediate track "50 Year". Note: to enter Catalina State Park, you will need to pay $7 per vehicle.

Tucson Mountain Park:Here you'll find 50 miles of trails that are primarily beginner and intermediate levels.

Insider Tip:Download theTrailForks app to get a detailed look at the trail you plan to ride.

4. Explore Colossal Cave

Stalactites, stalagmites, and bat poo, oh my!

Ive had a fascination with caves since I was a child, so weve visited all different types of caves on our travels around the world. When we heard there was a cave in Tucson, we didnt need much convincing to squeeze a visit into our itinerary.

Located a short 15-minute drive southeast of Tucson, the Colossal Cave has a pretty interesting history. It was once used as a temporary shelter for the Hohokam people (the regions first inhabitants) as early as 900 AD. And later, this cave served as a hiding place for 19th-century outlaws who didnt want to be found.

To enter the Colossal Cave, you must book a guided tour. There are a handful of options to choose from:

Classic Cave Tour: Good introduction to the cave and suitable for all ages.

Length: 50-minute tour

Cost: Adults: $18, Children (5-12 yrs): $9, 4 and under: free

When: 8 tours a day, depart hourly from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.

Tip: Reservations are encouraged

Ladder Tour: Navigate narrow passageways, climb ladders, and cross rickety bridges in seldom-seen parts of the cave system.

Length: 1.5-hour tour

Cost: $35 per person

When: 2 tours a day 9:30 a.m. and 1:30 p.m.

Tip: Reservations required

Wild Cave Tour: The most adventurous of tours offered, guides will take you to the most remote parts of the cave system. Participants must be fit and ready for a rugged good time! Described as absolutely down-and-dirty caving!

Length: 3.5-hour tour

Cost: $85 (reservations required)

Restrictions: 16 years old and older

When: 1 tour a day at 1 p.m.

Tip: There is an Intermediate option as well as Advanced ($125).

Our Opinion: Due to our limited time, the Classic Cave Tour was the one that best fit into our schedule. While it was a good introduction, it wasnt anything too different from what weve seen in other cave systems. We wished we had booked the Ladder or Wild Tour, as it would have been a bit more up our alley in terms of adventure!

Learn more about each tour and make your bookings here.

5. Sunset in the desert

Look up to the skies at dusk and youre in for an incredible show put on by Mother Nature. Seriously though, Tucson is known for having some epic sunsets, so plan to be somewhere special for at least one of the evenings during your trip.

Theres nothing like seeing the cacti start to glow as the sky takes on a pinkish hue.

Some top spots around Tucson for sunset:

Gates Pass

Saguaro National Park

A Mountain

JW Marriot

Tucson Mountain Park

Mount Lemmon scenic drive

6. Get a view over Tucson from A Hill (aka Sentinel Peak Park)

Look to the horizon and you shouldnt have a problem spotting A Hill, which, as the name implies, is adorned with a giant letter A made of rocks. This tribute to the University of Arizona is not only a town icon, but it marks one of the best spots to get a view over the city.

As long as the sky is clear, any time of day will grant you a sweeping view. Get an early morning start here and view the city beneath blue skies.

Or come for that golden hour glow and stay after the sun goes down to see the city lights begin to sparkle. Just know that after the sun sets, this is clearly a makeout spot, which is slightly awkward...

Alternative: Are you looking to get a workout in instead of taking the easy way and driving to the top? Pat yourself on the back, and then head to Tumamoc Hill. The trailhead is just a few minutes drive past the starting point of Sentinel Peak. This short but steep climb is a 3-mile round trip with a 700-foot elevation gain.

7. Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum

I hate to admit it, but unless it is truly something special like the Met in NYC or the Uffizi in Florence I dont always prioritize fitting museums into our travel plans. Honestly, Id rather be outside or eating which I suppose could be my life motto.

However, once we saw reviews for the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum, we decided to squeeze it into our itinerary. I mean, its the top-rated Tucson attraction on TripAdvisor (earning 5 stars with more than 8,000 reviews!), so surely it has to be worthwhile, right?

Honestly, after checking it out, I would say it depends. I know thats annoying to hear when trying to plan your itinerary, but keep reading to see if it is an experience thatll float your boat.

First things first, dont think of this as a typical museum... It's more of a zoo blended with a botanical garden and a dash of museum thrown in there for fun.

Youll find a huge variety of exhibits and lots of information around the park. To really explore everything thoroughly, youll need at least 2 hours.

Here are some of the main exhibits:

Aquarium

Raptor Flights

Hummingbird Aviary

Cave & Earth Sciences Center (the cave is artificial but pretty convincing)

Botanical Garden

Indoor Play Area for kids

One major perk to visiting the museum is your entrance fee will help contribute to their ongoing conservation and research efforts. One of their primary missions is to understand, connect people to and protect the natural systems of the Sonoran Desert Region.

Considering that the Sonoran Desert region is home to one of the greatest varieties of plants and animals out of any desert in the world, you can see it is pretty important work.

Interested in hearing more? Check out their website to see their current conservation and research projects.

Our thoughts on the Desert Museum:

Our favorite parts were the cave and gemstone exhibits. We are big rock nerds, so this part was especially cool. Theres even a little piece of rock from the moon on display which Ben geeked out about!

We think this would be a fun activity with kids (though we arent experts on the whole subject of children just yet!).

Honestly, zoos usually arent our thing (but thats a topic for another time). So we werent all that fond of the animal exhibits at this museum.

There is a small pool with stingrays where people can pay a small fee to touch them. We personally try to avoid any animal attraction that encourages touching.

Summary: Overall, this attraction is very well put together with accessible paths, frequent water fountains and toilets, lots of informational signs, and activities for children. You can learn a lot here and spend quite a bit of time exploring it all. However, if youre short on time, going into Saguaro National Park and Sabino Canyon are going to be even more worth your while.

Hours: 8:30 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Cost: Adults - $21.95, Seniors (65+) - $19.95, Children (3-12) - $9.95, Children (under 3) - Free

8. Go hiking in Sabino Canyon

Sitting in the foothills of the Santa Catalina Mountains, Sabino Canyon Recreation Center draws more than a million visitors annually. And for good reason: This place is absolutely stunning and packed with adventures for all types of travelers.

Encompassing two gorges: Sabino Canyon and Bear Canyon, you can choose to hike along paved or gravel paths, or you can save your legs some work and hop on a shuttle (for a fee).

Bear Canyon Shuttle: $6 adults, $4 ages 3-12; leaves every 30 minutes

Sabino Canyon Shuttle: $10 adults, $5 ages 3-12; leaves every 30 minutes

Seven Falls Hike

5 miles round trip

917 feet in elevation gain

If youre up for a challenging hike (thats well worth the effort), look no further than the Seven Falls Trail. You can hop on the Bear Canyon shuttle and get off at the last stop, which is at the trailhead. (Alternatively, you can skip the shuttle and hike the 2 miles to get to the trailhead.)

From here, its a 2.5-mile hike to the waterfalls that cascade over granite rocks to form pools that are perfect for taking a refreshing dip!

Important note: This trail requires some creek crossings, so be sure to check the conditions at the visitors center before attempting the hike. And be sure to carry plenty of water, as youll be hiking in some exposed areas and it can get very hot.

Cost: $8 per vehicle to enter Sabino Canyon

Hours: 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.

Good to know: If you have a National Park Pass, youll get into Sabino Canyon for free!

Planning your itinerary: Wed recommend combining a visit to Sabino Canyon and a drive up to Mount Lemmon (described below) on the same day since they are in the same relative area. If you plan to visit the DeGrazia Gallery as well (#19), you can tack it on the same day since its not far from Sabino Canyon.

9. Scenic drive to Mount Lemmon

When we started planning our trip to Tucson, at least three different people told us, You absolutely have to make the drive up to Mount Lemmon.

And were so happy we listened because it was one of the highlights of our trip. We only wish we had allotted more time to it.

This 40-mile drive snakes back and forth as it winds up through the mountains. There are viewpoints, pullouts, trailheads and campgrounds very frequently along the drive, so there are plenty of opportunities to stretch your legs and scope out the views.

Youll notice a drastic drop in temperature as you make your way up the mountain, and depending on the time of year, you may even start to see snow (a crazy sight when youre coming from the desert!).

At the very top of Mount Lemmon, sits the tiny town of Summerhaven, which is basically a handful of vacation homes and a few small stores. Satisfy your sweet tooth by sampling fudge at the General Store and ordering a cookie at the Mount Lemmon Cookie Cabin, and continue to drive to the Marshall Gulch Picnic Area where you can enjoy your sweet treats with some real food you packed!

Insider Tip: One of our friends messaged us and told us to go to the Cookie Cabin, for huge and delicious cookies. Sadly, we got the text too late. So if you have the chance, go to this mountaintop log cabin and order a giant cookie for us, please!

Another fun thing to see is the (tiny) Mount Lemmon Ski Valley before you begin your drive down the mountain.

How long does it take? The drive is roughly 42 miles from downtown Tucson and takes about 1 hour 20 minutes from bottom to top without stopping. Wed allot at least 3.5 - 4 hours for the drive up and down the mountain with a few stops along the way.

10. Explore Catalina State Park

Catalina State Park | Photo Credit: My Mom ;)

Sitting at the base of the Santa Catalina Mountains, this state park is a haven for desert wildlife and is home to more than 5,000 saguaros.

Come to Catalina State Park put a few more miles on your hiking boots or to have a relaxing picnic surrounded by nature.

Hikes in Catalina State Park:

Romero Ruins Interpretive Trail: This short and easy loop is 0.6 miles and has just 68 feet in elevation gain, making it a good hike for most people. The trail brings you past some historic dwellings and archaeological sites that are marked with signs.

Romero Pools: This 4.9-mile out and back trail is rated as intermediate, and has a 1,047-foot elevation gain. Your efforts will be rewarded as the trail culminates at some beautiful pools.

Cost: $7 per vehicle

11. Drive through Tucson Mountain Park

Another park in Tucson? Yep, thats right!

You will pass through the Tucson Mountain Park on your drive to the west portion of Saguaro National Park. And actually the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum and Old Tucson are both located within the parks boundaries.

There are no entry fees, and unless youre looking at your map, you might not even realize youre inside the park at all.

Insider Tip: Be sure to stop at the Gates Pass viewpoint for an epic look over the valley. It is especially beautiful during golden hour. There are a few nearby trailheads too, so youll have the chance to stretch your legs if needed.

12. Visit Kitts Observatory

Kitt's Observatory | Photo Credit: My Mom ;)

Are you as big of a space geek as Ben?! If so, a trip to Kitts Observatory might be right up your alley. You can visit during the day to learn about telescopes and all the work that goes on behind the scenes, or you can take a night time tour and see the stars. But be sure to check the weather before you book.

Also, if the weather is cold, be prepared with warmer clothes because it can get even colder up on the mountain. Bring a good pair of shoes too because there is quite a bit of walking in the tour.

13. Tour Biosphere 2

Biosphere 2 | Photo Credit: My Mom ;)

Could you live in a bubble for 2 years?! Thats what 8 scientists did back in 1991 when the Biosphere 2 was first introduced to the world. Their goal was to study how a mini-biosphere would work with as few outside variables as possible.

Today, you can visit Biosphere 2 and tour the different ecosystems which range from rainforest to the ocean to a model city. The guided tours take you through various stations and highlight the ongoing experiments happening in the Biosphere.

Inside Biosphere 2 | Photo Credit: My Mom ;)

Some tours are included with the General Admission fee, while other tours have an additional cost. Tours can take around 2 to 3 hours. Plus, getting to Biosphere 2 from the center of Tucson is roughly a 50-minute drive, so youll need to dedicate a good portion of a day to this excursion if you add it to your itinerary.

Hours: 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. daily

Cost: Adults: $21, Kids $14

Check the Biosphere 2 website for more details on times and prices.

Fun Fact: If this is Biosphere 2, where is Biosphere 1? Well, youre living on it right now (aka Earth!). Mind blown!

Food & Nightlife in Tucson

Foodies are in for a treat because Tucson is packed with incredible dining options, especially when it comes to Mexican cuisine. And night owls will have a long list of things to do at night, from sampling the best local craft beer to enjoying live music on the town.

14. Eat ALL the Mexican Food

One of the things we were most excited for on this trip was the food. Mexican food, to be precise. #allthetacos

Being that this city is just over 60 miles from the border of Mexico, it should come as no surprise that Tucson is known for having a killer Mexican food scene. In fact, Tucson is the first UNESCO City of Gastronomy in the United States!

Psst! If youre a foodie, youll love this intro to the Tucson culinary scene!

The worst part of the food in Tucson was that we couldnt eat it all. Well, that and the fact that our weekend in Tucson obliterated our meager attempt at doing the Whole30 in January. I mean, Im not going to go to a Mexican food Mecca and not eat as many tacos, tamales and guacamole as possible. Its against the laws of nature.

If youre still reading my food-crazed ramblings, youre probably wondering where you can find the best Mexican food in Tucson, and youre about to be rewarded, friend.

While you dont have to look far to find good Mexican food in Tucson, were sharing some top recommendations, from super authentic hole-in-the-wall spots to refined Mexican restaurants with an exceptional dining experience:

Los Tacos Apson: Tiny, unassuming shop with authentic fare and a generous salsa/topping bar. We ordered a handful of items but our favorites were the taco al pastor and taco hass (carne asada, queso, chili verde); and as we were leaving, a local recommended we try the taco rasuada (grilled ribs) next time! This is also a great spot to try a caramelo, Tucsons take on a quesadilla (cheese and lots of meat grilled between tortillas).

Bocas y Tequila: Popular spot, especially with the university crowd, it seems. The tacos were super tasty (albeit not very hot, but we were there at a super busy hour!). The elote (Mexican street corn) was also very good.

Cafe Poca Cosa: An upscale Mexican restaurant with a menu that changes daily.

Taco Fish: Come here for fresh ceviche and tacos de pescado (fish) or camarones (shrimp).

Penca: Contemporary Mexican fusion with a chic atmosphere.

Mi Nidito: Serving Tucson since 1952, this place is a local legend known for large portions, delicious food, and as a place Bill Clinton once ate.

Taqueria Pico De Gallo: Best known for its award-winning fish tacos, this is another local favorite for authentic (and cheap!) tacos.

Taqueria Porfis: While the menu is small, thats okay because what they do, they do well. And the item theyre most famous for is their potato taco, which is stuffed with carne seca, tomatoes, lettuce, sour cream, and you guessed it potatoes!

Rollies Mexican Patio: Known for their rolled tacos, this cute and colorful cafe makes a great lunch stop.

El Charro Cafe: Set inside a century-old home, this restaurant serves up large home-cooked meals in a charming, yet casual atmosphere.

Fun Fact: This is the nations oldest Mexican restaurant run continuously by the same family.

Street Taco and Beer Co.: Good for late night bites, street tacos, and tequila cocktails.

Insider Tip: We read that if you want to find really authentic, no-frills Mexican food, head to the neighborhoods south of 22nd Street. And 12th Ave, which runs north to south, has a dense concentration of amazing Mexican restaurants.

These streets are part of whats known as the Best 23 Miles of Mexican Food (aka a 23-square-mile area in the city thats known as the best Mexican food north of the border).

15. Try a Sonoran Dog

Im not usually one to order hot dogs, but when we learned that Sonoran Dogs are a must try specialty from this region, we had to give it a go. For research purposes.

And lets just say Im pretty happy I made the sacrifice in the name of work. And while Sonoran Dogs arent something I would eat on a regular basis, they are pretty damn good.

So what exactly is a Sonoran Dog, you ask? This tasty blend of American and Mexican cuisine is comprised of bacon-wrapped hot dog, topped with pinto beans, chopped tomatoes, onions, mayonnaise, mustard and jalapeo salsa, all stuffed into a soft, sweet Mexican bun called a bolillo.

Rumor has it that there are two rival Sonora dog establishments in Tucson that both claim to serve the best:

BK Carne Asada & Hot Dogs: Winner of a Sonoran Dog locally-judged blind taste test against El Guero Canelo, it is definitely worth a try. They also have a large menu of fantastic Mexican fare, some may say the best in Tucson.

El Gero Canelo: With 3 locations in Tucson, this is a Tucson must! We sampled the one on Oracle road, and it did not disappoint. The combo of sweet, spicy and savory is an explosion in your mouth. Youre gonna want more than one.

After a little research, we chose to try our first Sonoran Dog at El Gero Canelo. While we dont have anything to compare it to, it was pretty darn tasty! If you have the time (and room in your tummy!), try them both on your trip to Tucson to determine the winner!

16. Sample Vegan Mexican Fare

Most restaurants featured on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives are laden with grease, layers of cheese, deep-fried everything, and meat. Lots of meat.

But an exception to this is Tucsons beloved Tumerico, which was featured on this hit series in 2018. This local favorite serves up scratch-made Mexican dishes with a menu that changes daily.

While clearly very popular, the service was fast, the prices reasonable, and the food delicious.

Our recommendations: The menu is constantly changing so we cant give specific recommendations, but if there is a taco made with jackfruit, TRY IT. You will thank us! Also, the turmeric lemonade was seriously yummy.

Moral of the story: Even if you do eat meat, Tumerico is well worth a visit.

Good to know: Tumerico is closed on Mondays.

More vegetarian options in Tucson

While these are not Mexican restaurants, here are a few other good options for vegetarians/vegans visiting Tucson.

Charro Vida: While not fully veggie, this Mexican-Mediterranean fusion restaurant (located close to Tohono Chul #35) donates proceeds to local school gardens throughout the region in partnership with the University of Arizona. Just looking at their menu makes my mouth water...

The Tasteful Kitchen: A somewhat upscale restaurant that specializes in vegan, gluten-free and raw cuisine. And while youre there, be sure to check out the mural depicting Mother Earth on the side of their building.

Urban Fresh: Casual cafe with plant-based wraps, salads and soups.

Zinmans Food Shop: carry-out spot with a patio, serving an eclectic assortment of dishes with influences from around the world.

17. Grab a cup of Tucsons best coffee

My name is Katie, and Im a coffee addict. If you are too, youll definitely want to start your day at Exo. Praised as the best coffee in Tucson, Exo does it all, and they do it well.

If you want to switch up your order and get something a little more unique than your everyday latte, order a chiltepin cold brew, which is made with spicy peppers!

And if your tummys a grumblin pick up one of their super tasty breakfast sandwiches, breakky bowls, or to keep the Mexican food theme going, try their breakfast tacos!

18. Visit a Farmers Market

When you combine locally grown produce, artisans selling their creations, and food vendors all in one place, youve got yourself some farmers market bliss.

With a handful of farmers markets around the Tucson area, youll likely be able to squeeze one during your trip.

Here are 3 farmers markets that are closest to town, and are easy to work into your sightseeing schedule:

Rillito Park: Makes a good stop if youre headed up to Catalina State Park, Tohono Chul, or over to Sabino Canyon.

Oro Valley: Stop here on your way to Catalina State Park.

Rincon Valley: Make a stop here on your drive down to Colossal Cave.

We visited the market in Rincon Valley on our way to the Colossal Cave, and while not huge, it was a nice stop to browse some local artists work and nibble on kettle corn!

Hours: All the markets listed above have the same hours.

Winter Hours (Oct. - Mar.): Saturdays, 9 a.m. - 1 p.m.

Summer Hours (Apr. - Sept.): Saturdays, 8 a.m -12 p.m.

These farmers markets are all put together by an organization called Heirloom Farmers Markets, and you can find more info here.

19. Go on a Food Tour

Im someone who gets serious FOMO when it comes to food.

When visiting a city thats known for its food scene, I feel like I should try everything, which is not exactly an ideal habit for my waistline or my wallet.

If you can relate (yay, Im not alone!), youll want to keep reading because I recently found the cure: Food Tours!

Food tours are a way for you to try a little of each (my favorite!). Plus, your guide usually brings you to local spots you wouldn't find on your own, and gives you insight to the citys history, culture and culinary scene.

So if youre interested in food especially Mexican food (Tucsons pride and joy!), you might want to consider adding a food tour into your itinerary.

There are two companies that run highly-rated food tours in Tucson:

Tucson Food Tours

Taste of Tucson

Weve taken food tours all around the world, and wish we had time to take one on our trip to Tucson. Guess weve gotta save something for our next trip, right?!

20. Hang out in Mercado San Agustin

This square just west of downtown has a collection of high-end boutiques, produce vendors, artisans and eateries surrounding a pretty courtyard. We were there on a rainy day (a rare occurrence in Tucson!), but with nice weather, this would be a prime spot to wander and grab a bite.

Insider Tip: We were told that Seis Kitchen is amazing, and La Estrella Bakery also looks really good. Try them out and let us know what you think!

21. Eat a flight of Ice Cream

Can I confess something? I have an ice cream problem.

Someone once told me, No matter how full you are, theres always room for ice cream because it can fit in all the cracks! And I think Ive taken those words a little too seriously over the years.

This is coming from someone who almost missed the last train of the day in a tiny Italian village because I *needed* to get gelato. And someone who has (successfully) completed more than one ice cream eating challenge.

So lets just say you should consider me something of an expert on the topic of ice cream.

When I heard about the ice cream flights (yes flights!) at The Screamery, I told Ben we had to make it part of our itinerary.

And when I found out it was right across the street from our hotel as well as another highly rated ice cream shop (Hub), I told him we better go to both. Ya know, in order to research as many flavors as possible.

The Screamery: Tons of unique flavors to choose from, reasonable prices, and the option to have a flight!

Flavors we loved: Sweet Cream Honeycomb and Rough at Sea

Hub: A little more expensive, less choices, and no ice cream flight option (dang it!). But still seriously good ice cream.

Flavors we loved: Queen Bee and Mexican Hot Chocolate

Overall, theyre both really good choices. I think the ice cream was pretty similar in quality, so choose the one that has flavors youre more excited about.

22. Sample the best Craft Beer in Tucson

While not exactly the level of craft beer scene youll find in Portland, Tucson has a decent amount of breweries in town.

If youre a purveyor of craft brews (were right there with ya!), here are a few breweries youll want to check out:

Dragoon Brewing Company: Open warehouse-style brewery with a great selection of all kinds of brews. We sampled a flight here, and it was our favorite beer of the breweries we visited in Tucson, but a bit outside the center of town.

Barrio Brewing Co.: Rustic-chic brewery close to downtown with happy hour specials.

Public Brewhouse: Tucked in a dark alleyway, they brew a mean Belgian Dubbel. Worth a stop if youre exploring 4th Ave. Seems to be a pretty new spot, and popular with locals.

Pueblo Vida: Small, hip spot downtown with lots of unique fruit-forward IPAs and complex malty dark pours.

Gentle Bens Brewing: We wanted to visit this brewery just because of the name! Well, that, and it looks like they have some good brews!

Crooked Tooth Brewing Co.: Highly rated brews with a typical brick wall interior. Flights come on a skateboard!

Borderlands Brewing Company: German Chocolate Cake Porter, need I say more Okay I will: female head brewmaster, daily food trucks, & massive murals on the wall.

Iron Johns Brewing Company: Fantastic micro-brewery with crazy concoctions in the heart of downtown.

23. Soak up some speakeasy vibes

Weve been on a speakeasy kick lately. And Ive gotta say, Tucson has a few great options if youre looking for handcrafted cocktails, and a mysterious, 1920s-esque atmosphere.

The Independent Distillery: Pre-prohibition style bar serving their own spirits and enticing cocktails.

Surly Wench Pub: Good for a couple of drinks in what they call an industrial goth bar. The vibe we got was new-age biker bar but apparently the burgers are good.

Club Congress: Throw on your shiniest flapper dress and striped suit and step back in time to this historic bar. Not only do they host the best 1920s themed parties, they have a jammed-pack event calendar including rock bands, cabarets, free yoga and stand-up comics.

Tough Luck Club: In the basement of Reilly Craft Pizza (an old funeral home!), youll find this cozy cocktail bar. Oh, and outside is a beer garden if you prefer a more casual vibe.

24. Tequila toast at JW Marriott

When in the Arizona desert it only seems right to have some tequila! And do you know what the best kind of tequila is?

FREE tequila!

Now that Ive got your attention, lets talk about how to get that free tequila, shall we?

The JW Marriott is in a stunning location that gives new meaning to the term desert oasis. But even if you dont have the budget to splurge on a $250-per-night room, you can enjoy unrivaled views and a free tequila toast at sundown.

Simply show up to Salud, the Marriotts on-site bar and restaurant, to take part in their nightly tradition of raising a (complementary) shot of tequila and share the legend behind the classic Mexican cheers, arriba, abajo, al central, en dentro.

And of course as soon as the story is over, everyone gathered there is invited to raise their glasses and make a toast as the sun sets. Tequila is passed around at 5:30 p.m., so be sure to arrive a bit earlier to get a seat by a firepit and enjoy the view.

And if you feel so inclined, try one of their specialty handcrafted cocktails or order your liquor straight up from their selection of more than 150 tequilas. Who knew there were so many tequilas?!

25. Mezcal Tasting

Tequila gets a lot of hype in the US; but in Mexico, people are all about the mezcal!

We learned a lot about mezcal during our travels in Oaxaca, and have been really interested in tequilas smokier cousin ever since.

Whether youre a mezcal connoisseur or youve never heard of the stuff until now, doing a mezcal tasting is a great way to learn more about Mexicos favorite spirit.

While theyre best known for coffee, each Thursday starting at 7 p.m., Exo Coffee hosts an hour-long mezcal tasting at their onsite bar.

While sipping on samples of several high quality mezcal (they have a collection of more than 150 mezcals!), proprietor Doug Smith walks guests through everything youve ever wanted to know about this liquor. This informational tasting costs $20 and reservations are not necessary.

And if Thursday doesnt work for you, tastings are also offered Wednesdays and Sundays between 6 - 9 p.m. for $25. For these tastings, you must make a reservation in advance.

If youre not interested in a full tasting, you can always come during their bar hours to enjoy beer, wine, or mezcal cocktails. They have a great happy hour from 6 - 8 p.m., where cocktails are just $5, and beer and wine are $1 off.

26. Get your giggle on at a comedy show

Weve realized that comedy clubs almost always guarantee a night of fun! Plus, its a great way to spend an evening in a new city, and most big(ish) towns around the world have at least one comedy club.

Tucson is no exception. There are a handful of comedy clubs, but it seems that Laffs gets the biggest national names in stand-up, so we decided it would be a good way to spend our Friday night.

We gave the address of Laffs to our Uber drive and had no idea what to expect, but when we pulled up to a strip mall on the outskirts of suburbia, we were a little surprised.

And when we walked inside, we soon realized this no-frills club was not going to win us over on atmosphere. So we crossed our fingers that at least the show would be good

Lets just say that we were clutching our stomachs from laughing so hard for the next 90 minutes!

Weve been to enough comedy shows to know its not as much about the atmosphere as it is about the people on stage. The comics themselves are what are going to make the experience belly-hurts-from-laughing-so-hard good or just alright.

Theres always the off-chance that youll hate the comedians style of humor (which has happened to us in a comedy club with a top-notch atmosphere!).

We were at Laffs on a night with great talent, and hopefully youll catch a great line-up as well! Our advice is to read up on the comedian who is performing to see if youll like their style, or just show up with an open mind and ready for a laugh!

And dont worry, you wont go hungry or thirsty. There is a long list of cocktails with quirky names, a small selection of beer, and a menu of pub food and snacks.

Laffs has a handful of shows each week:

Thursdays: 8 p.m. Open Mic, free show!

Friday: 8 p.m. and 10:30 p.m., doors open at 7 p.m.

Saturday: 7 p.m. and 9:30 p.m., doors open at 6 p.m.

Cost:

General Seating: $12.50

Preferred Seating: $17.50

You can pay in advance, or you can make a reservation but pay at the door.

Check out their schedule to see upcoming shows.

Psst! If youre into improv or are looking for a family-friendly comedy show, Unscrewed Theater might be more your scene.

27. Spend the evening at a Film Bar

Check Casa Film Bar's Facebook Page for New Showings

Looking for something fun and lowkey to do at night in Tucson? Oh, we have got just the idea for you!

Combine craft beer, food trucks and movies (three of our favorite things!), and youre in for a great time. Youll find this magical combo at Casa Film Bar, which is something of a local secret.

Essentially a bar inside a video rental store, come on a weekend night and youll be able to enjoy a movie showing with a craft brew (or wine or coffee).

They play films ranging from 90s classics, like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, to little-known indie films, to brand new Oscar nominees (Once Upon a Time in Hollywood was playing while we were there, just 6 months after being released in theaters).

Casa Film Bar Schedule:

Films & rotating food trucks: Thursday, Fridays & Saturdays (check their Facebook page for showtimes and to see which food truck will be there).

Smartphone Trivia: Tuesdays from 7 - 9 p.m. (free to play & winners get prizes)

Food Truck only: Sundays 6 - 8 p.m., Pop's Hot Chicken is the Sunday evening staple

Not only will you be supporting one of the few standing video rental stores left, but youll be able to check out a local hot spot and have an all around good evening!

28. Live Music in Tucson

While Tucson certainly wont make the cut for top live music cities in the US, that doesnt mean you should give up hope on catching a performance. In fact, as we wandered around downtown and along 4th Ave, we heard more bands performing than we could count!

From hipster bars to honky tonks, and century-old theaters to swanky resort patios, youll have plenty of choices when it comes to choosing a spot to catch some tunes.

Here are some of the venues in Tucson that regularly host live music:

Thunder Canyon Brewery: Large brewery downtown that hosts live music.

La Cocina: This restaurant has a large menu and an even bigger patio, complete with cafe lights and live music on the weekends.

Club Congress: Its hard to beat the atmosphere youll find in Club Congress, though most acts that come through here require you buy a ticket in advance.

Ches Lounge: Yummy cocktails and beer with an outdoor patio and stage for music.

Exo Coffee: Not just a coffee shop, Exo also has a mezcal bar and hosts live music most weekend nights!

Hacienda Del Sols Terraza: If you prefer your live music with a side of class and a bottle of fine wine, the patio at Hacienda del Sol is a good place to catch some jazz or classical tunes as the sun sets.

29. Nightlife on 4th Ave

Being that this street sits directly between the university campus and downtown, it draws a young student crowd as well as a mix of young professionals and tourists. And lemme tell ya: It comes alive at night!

You can find all sorts of quirky bars, restaurants of all kinds, cafes with poetry readings, and shops selling everything from cowboy boots to hippy garb.

Walk down 4th Ave and pop into any establishment that strikes your fancy.

30. Brunch in Tucson

Need a pick-me-up after a big night out on 4th Ave? Lucky for you, Tucson has some amazing brunch options thatll get you feeling like yourself in no time!

Insider Tip: If youre looking for a kickass Bloody Mary to start your day, Elliotts on Congress is where youll want to go. Their infused vodkas make a great base for the drink, and if you like spicy, order the Habanero Bloody for a real wake up call!

And even if youre not hungover, who doesnt love a good brunch?

Seasonal fruit, eggs, flaky pastries fresh outta the oven, housemade jam youre speaking my language! Oh, and we cant forget about the mimosas and bloody Marys.

Tucson has a healthy variety of brunch spots that are sure to strike your fancy:

Prep and Pastry

Cup Cafe

Baja Cafe

Five Points Market

Cafe a La CArt

Art, Culture & History in Tucson

For lovers of all things art, history and culture, theres no shortage of ways to fill up your time in Tucson. Were sharing some of the top things to do if you want to delve into this citys history and art scene.

31. Hunt for Street Art!

Tucsons street art scene is off the hook!

Ermmm do people even say off the hook anymore? Im going to assume no, but still, you know what I mean.

Youll notice colorful murals covering the sides of buildings all over town. Depictions range from desert scenes, to whales and fish, to cultural references, to random but pretty paintings of birds

You really wont have to make much of an effort to spot murals around town, but if you want some direction, here are some of our personal favorite murals in Tucson (and their location pins):

Whale mural by Joe Pagac

Goddess of Agave

Greetings from Tucson Postcard

Girl in Barrio Viejo (Across the street from El Tiradito)

Girl by Charro del Rey

32. Visit Mission San Xavier del Bac

One of Tucsons most iconic buildings, the Mission San Xavier del Bac is a not only a historic landmark, but it also still operates as a church to this day. If you happen to visit on a Sunday, you might just see a church service taking place.

This building is a beautiful example of 18th-century architecture, and has been nicknamed the White Dove of the Desert. As you wander around the mission and church property, youll notice influences of Renaissance, Byzantine and Mexican architecture styles.

If youre interested in hearing about the churchs history, consider taking a guided tour. They are free to join and dont require making a reservation. Simply show up at the museum entrance to join in this 45-minute tour. Tours run quite frequently, but timing depends on the season. Check here for tour hours.

Feeling hungry? If you happen to be visiting Mission San Xavier del Bac on a weekend, keep your eyes peeled for food vendors from the Tohono Oodham Nation who often sell frybread tacos in the open-air market space just across from the mission.

Frybread is pretty much just what it sounds like, a dough (sort of similar in appearance to naan) that has been deep fried to golden deliciousness. This traditional Native American staple is then topped with different ingredients, either sweet or savory.

Weve tried frybread tacos once before, and theyre really tasty. Theyre not all that easy to find in most places, so do yourself a favor and try one while youre at the mission!

Mission San Xavier del Bac Hours:

Hours: 7 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Cost: Free, donations welcome

Insider Tip: If you arrive in Tucson at a reasonable hour and arent too tired, wed recommend heading straight to Mission San Xavier from the airport, as its quite close (and a bit out of the way to come from downtown Tucson). Alternatively, you could stop for a quick visit before heading to the airport on your way out of Tucson.

33. Visit the historic Hotel Congress

It might seem strange that we have a hotel on our list of things to do, but hear us out...

Nestled right in the center of downtown, Hotel Congress is the stuff of local legends. Built just after the turn of the 20th century, it was here that John Dillinger, an infamous American gangster during the Great Depression era, was arrested and brought to jail.

Although he later escaped, Tucsonians take great pride in the fact that Dillinger, a prolific bank robber, was caught in their city. They are so proud, in fact, that there is an annual celebration and recreation of these events which takes place each year in mid-January (we were actually there for it!).

Hotel Congress still retains its quirky, colorful, historic charm. And walking into the lobby feels as if youve stepped back in time. Grab a drink at one of the many onsite bars, or catch a concert at Club Congress. And if you want to spend the night, the historic rooms are cozy, however, there is a caveat...

Our honest opinion: We stayed at Hotel Congress during our trip to Tucson, and while we would definitely recommend stopping in for a drink and checking it out, we would not advise staying here unless youre in Tucson to party.

They dont try to hide the fact that this hotel gets loud like really loud at night. There are even ear plugs in each room. Lets just say we did not sleep very well during our entire 3 nights in Tucson.

Interesting Fact: It is said that Hotel Congress is haunted! While were not ones to really believe these things, we did have a very weird experience where our closet door swung open suddenly. And at night, the 2nd floor where we were staying smelled like smoke from a fire. Spooky...

34.DeGrazia Gallery in the Sun

If youre an art buff, the DeGrazia Gallery in the Sun makes an interesting stop. This is a gallery dedicated to the works of one man: Ettore Ted DeGrazia.

Dont worry, I hadnt heard of him either; but DeGrazia is pretty well-known in Arizona.

So who is Ettore DeGrazia? Well, heres the short version:

DeGrazia was born into a family of Italian immigrants who lived in a mining camp in rural Arizona. Ettore later enrolled at the University of Arizona, and created a life around his passion: art.

In adulthood, he married (twice) and bought a 10-acre plot of land in the foothills of the Santa Catalina Mountains which would become both his home and gallery.

His works were underappreciated for many years until his oil painting Los Nios was selected by UNICEF to be printed on a 1960 holiday card, which sold millions worldwide. DeGrazias fame spread during the next decade, drawing hundreds of thousands of visitors to his gallery each year.

Visiting the Gallery in the Sun

A visit to the Gallery in the Sun will leave you in awe at the sheer amount of artwork DeGrazia created in his lifetime. The museum has a rotating collection of more than 15,000 DeGrazia originals! Anyone else wondering how he had enough hours in the day to make all of this?!

DeGrazia liked using all different mediums. Youll see oils, watercolors, sketches and even pottery on display. And another impressive fact is that the gallery was designed by DeGrazia himself.

When you visit the Gallery in the Sun, not only will you see DeGrazias artwork, but youll also be able to walk through his home and his private chapel, both of which are on the property.

Hours: 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., daily

Cost: $8 for adults, $5 for ages 12-18, children under 12 are free

35. Wander the gardens at Tohono Chul

Hailed as one of the countrys best botanical gardens by Travel + Leisure, Tohono Chul is popular with locals and visitors alike. Covering nearly 50 acres, this is said to be a place where nature, art, and culture connect.

But were not gonna gloss over the fact that when we visited in mid-January, there wasnt all that much to see due to the transition of seasons.

Wed imagine during other times of the year, there are more things to see. Weve heard March is particularly beautiful with the desert flowers starting to bloom. They also host occasional live music and other events throughout the year.

Our Opinion: Before planning your visit, wed do some research to see if it will be worthwhile during the season in which youre visiting. Perhaps between the months of March and May there would be more to see, as the desert flowers are in bloom during this time.

Hours: 8 a.m. - 5 .p.m.

Cost: Adults - $15, Children (5-12) - $6, Children under 5 - Free, Seniors (62+) - $13

36. Explore Barrio Viejo

Translating to old neighborhood, Barrio Viejo is just that: a section of Tucson that still has old charm. Sometimes called the real "soul" of Tucson, you can drive around and see colorful Spanish Colonial architecture and find authentic Mexican restaurants.

While some parts of the neighborhood are lively, there are other sections that have a run-down feeling.

We drove around Barrio Viejo for a while trying to find some of the beautiful, colorful adobe houses we had seen pictures of.

So to point you in the right direction (and minimize your time spent driving around in circles like we did!), here are some points of interest in Barrio Viejo (Note: please be respectful in this neighborhood because people do live here):

Colorful houses on S Meyer Ave and W Kennedy St (and further south on Meyer Ave until 22nd St)

El Tiradito Shrine (described below)

El Minuto Cafe: Mexican restaurant next to El Tiradito

The Coronet: brunch and late night food

Five Points Market & Restaurant: cute and lively brunch spot

Cafe Desta: popular Ethiopian restaurant

37. Visit El Tiradito Shrine

If youre exploring the Barrio Viejo neighborhood, make a quick visit to the El Tiradito Shrine. Stopping here only requires a few minutes and to the naked eye its nothing too special.

It is scattered with candles, flowers, and images of saints. But this is no ordinary shrine, folks. And once you know the legend behind this shrine, its kind of an interesting place to see.

Nicknamed the wishing shrine, El Tiradito is the USs only Catholic shrine dedicated to a.... wait for it SINNER! Scandalous, I know. But thats not even the crazy part.

Heres the short version of the legend of Juan Oliveras, the man who is buried beneath El Tiradito Shrine: Juan, a young ranch-hand, is married to his bosss daughter, but soon becomes infatuated with his mother-in-law (yep, you read that right), and makes a move. The two carry on an affair, which is eventually busted by the husband/father-in-law/boss. Ouch!

He gets so angry that he kills Juan right there before escaping to Mexico, where he is later murdered. The wife allegedly kills herself, and after all this horrifying drama and death, the daughter (who, by the way, we should mention is pregnant with Juans child) hangs herself as well.

It is said that Juan is buried beneath El Tiradito, a shrine that people visit for all different reasons. Some come out of sheer curiosity about the legend and others see it on a things to do in Tucson list, like this one!

But there is another group of people who come to this spot: Those who empathize with Juan and have similar love triangles in their own lives. It is said that if you write your wish on a piece of paper and have good intentions, it will come true.

Just behind the shrine is a crumbling brick wall, and if you look closely, youll see scraps of paper stuffed in the holes between bricks, many of which are wishes from past visitors.

This shrine was almost demolished when the city was building a new highway, but people in the community fought to preserve it. Perhaps they want to protect history, or maybe some people are protecting their wishes!

38. Step back in time at Old Tucson

Old Tucson | Photo Credit: My Mom ;)

Walk through what looks like a scene straight out of a John Wayne film, and watch as actors from the Wild West perform demonstrations and stunts.

Old Tucson is an amusement park of sorts, complete with a town hall, a saloon and a haunted mine, like all good Western desert towns have.

We didnt have enough time to visit Old Tucson during our weekend trip, and to be honest, it didnt really seem like our type of place. However, if youre looking for things to do in Tucson with kids, this could be a fun activity for a family.

Be sure to look up the schedule of events to time your visit right.

Cost: Adults: $21.95, Children (4-11): $10.95, Children under 4: Free

Hours: 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. (times may change seasonally)

Best Tucson Weekend Itinerary

Are you overwhelmed with the massive list we just gave you?

Dont worry, were going to help you pare it down a bit. Below, weve listed some highlights you can choose from based on your travel style:

If you love the outdoors:

Visit Saguaro National Park

Hike to Seven Falls in Sabino Canyon

Drive up to Mount Lemmon and stop on the way for hikes and lookout points

Explore Romero Ruins in Catalina

If youre traveling with kids in Tucson:

Do the Classic Tour at Colossal Cave

Sonoran Desert Museum

Go horseback riding

Order an ice cream flight at The Screamery

Visit Old Tucson

If youre into food:

Eat a Sonoran Dog

Check out our list of top Mexican food and try as many as you can!

Have a leisurely brunch

Order an ice cream flight at The Screamery

Go on a Tucson food tour

Try a vegan Mexican meal at Tumerico

If youre an art & culture lover:

Check out the Degrazia Gallery in the Sun

Explore Barrio Viejo and visit El Tiradito Shrine

Visit Tohono Chul botanical gardens (if the time of year is right)

Spend an evening at Casa Film Bar

Visit the Tucson Museum of Art

If youre into nightlife:

Tequila toast at the JW Marriot at sunset

Go brewery hopping

Scope out some live music

Grab a drink at Hotel Congress

Head to 4th Ave after dark for a night on the town

Do a mezcal tasting

If youre on a budget:

Do the scenic drive to Mount Lemmon

Go on a scavenger hunt to find as much street art as you can!

Watch sunset at A Hill with a view over Tucson

Have a picnic lunch

If youre craving adventure:

Go mountain biking

Go horseback riding

Book the Ladder or Wild Cave Tour at Colossal Cave

Hike to Seven Falls in the Sabino Canyon

Best time to visit Tucson, Arizona

Tucson is a great destination year round, however it can get quite hot in the summertime (albeit a dry heat). June is the hottest month in Tucson, with average highs soaring to 103F (40C). Yikes!

For the most comfortable temperatures, plan your trip to Tucson between mid-September and mid-May.

Even during December (Tucsons coldest month), the average temperature hovers just above 50F (10C) and it rarely dips below freezing. This weather will feel downright balmy to anyone from the Midwest (peace out Polar Vortex!).

Being that Tucson is smack dab in the middle of the desert, there is little chance that rain will ruin your vacation (unless youre traveling during the monsoon season of July and August). We arrived in Tucson on a rare rainy day, but by the next morning, most of the puddles had evaporated and there wasnt a cloud to be seen!

Another thing to keep in mind about this desert city is that temperatures can drop drastically from midday to evening. Be sure to pack layers to keep warm during the nights.

When Do the Desert Flowers Bloom?

It depends on the plant, but the flowering season is from mid-February to mid-June, with the biggest blooms peaking from mid-March to late April. Each year is different depending on rainfall, freezing temperatures during the winter, and springtime weather during the growing season.

Where to Stay in Tucson

Most of the time when were visiting a city, we like staying downtown so we can walk places and be near all the major sights. But depending on your interests, Tucson is a place where wed actually say you dont need to stay in the city center. As you can see from reading our massive list of things to do, many of Tucson's major attractions are on the outskirts of the city.

Weve rounded up some recommended Tucson hotels and Airbnbs below, with a mix of locations in the city as well as some that are a literal desert oasis.

Hotels in Tucson, Arizona

JW Marriott Tucson Starr Pass Resort

In the foothills of Tucsons Mountain Park, sits the massive JW Marriott Tucson Starr Pass Resort. With easy access to Gates Pass and the Western Side of Saguaro National Park, this resort has a great location. It also has 3 golf courses, 4 restaurants (with a daily tequila toast!), and 3 outdoor pools, you can really enjoy your stay in Tucson.

Azure Gate B&B

Located in NE Tucson, this charming B&B is a quick drive to the Sabino Canyon Recreation Area or the East Side of Saguaro National Park. Included in each stay is daily ( breakfast, an onsite pool, and free parking.

Hotel McCoy - Art, Coffee, Beer, Wine

This modern hotel is perfect for a couple or a family who wants to stay a little bit outside of downtown. There are murals everywhere (check out the pictures!), an excellent staff, and a daily continental breakfast.

Hotel Congress

If youre looking to stay downtown, Hotel Congress has an unrivaled location. Add to that its historic charm, and you might be ready to book. However, we would be remiss if we didnt mention that this hotel is directly above a club, and it can get incredibly loud on weekend nights.

So loud, in fact, that the hotel provides guests with ear plugs. If that doesnt scare you away, then you might love staying at this historic property.

Airbnbs in Tucson

There are tons of amazing Airbnb options in Tucson. Overall, they are very reasonably priced, and some even have pools. Just take a look at some of the Airbnbs we hand-selected for you!

Insider Tip: Find out how we set our Airbnb filters to find the best properties anywhere in the world!

'Case Study' Guest House: Charming guest house and hosts. Youll have the entire place yourself with a full kitchen and a rain shower in the bathroom. Southeast of Downtown. Check Availability here.

Historic 4th Ave Herbie House: Beautiful studio apartment in the 4th Avenue Neighborhood. Close to bars, restaurants and the metro stops. Check Availability here.

Sonoran Desert Retreat: This inexpensive but lovely place is located in the Catalina Foothills close to shops and restaurants. This would be perfect for a couple looking to get away from the busyness of town. Check Availability here.

Self Check in Airbnb - Near I-10: This cheap Airbnb is located in the northern suburbs of Tucson and is great for a solo travel or a couple wanting to mountain bike the local tracks. Its a small, clean studio, but it has everything you need for a basic stay. Check Availability here.

Tucson Poet's Studio: This Santa Fe Style studio comes with a beehive corner fireplace and a small lounging outdoor pool. Its pretty close to central Tucson just a few blocks east of the university, so its a great location for exploring. Check Availability here.

Psst! Is it your first time using Airbnb? Follow this link and well give you $55 off Airbnb!

Getting Around Tucson

While Tucson itself is a relatively small city, youve probably noticed that most of the major attractions are outside the center. In order to be able to see the best things to do in Tucson, you really do need a car to get around.

Rental Car

If youre flying into Tucson, you can pick up your rental car at the airport. We usually reserve cars through RentalCars.com because we have used them before and they have the best deals for rental cars. When searching I found deals around $36 per day for a standard sedan, which is all you would need in Tucson.

However, this time, we tried reserving our rental car through our American Express Platinum card and we found the same cars for about $23 per day! This saved us about $40 over the 3 days we were visiting Tucson. Head to this article if you want to learn more about the travel credit cards we use to get free or discounted travel.

When driving in Tucson: Be aware that some areas have speed traps enforced by cameras, so keep an eye on your odometer.

Uber or Lyft

If you plan to have a few beverages out on the town, dont risk driving. Instead, order an Uber to get you where you need to go. Downtown Tucson is not that big so rides are pretty cheap.

Metro

In Tucson there is a Light Rail metro line called the SunLink that connects University of Arizona to the 4th Ave District to Downtown (Centro) and finally to the Mercado District including Mercado San Agustin.

For a single one-way fare it costs $1.75, but you can purchase a 1-Day SunGO ticket for $4.50 which is good for 24 hours.

What to pack for a trip to Tucson

Camelback (if you think youll be hiking a lot)

Daypack for hikes

Chacos or other hiking shoes that wont get too hot

Closed toe shoes (for horseback riding or mountain biking)

Layers (it gets cold at night and hot during the day)

Swim suit (if your hotel has a pool)

Sunscreen

Sunglasses

Reusables: Weve been kind of living in a bubble in Oregon where plastic bags are banned and many establishments encourage you to bring your own reusables, or provide a somewhat eco-friendly option (like wooden utensils and paper straws).

While many Tucson restaurants and accommodations, like Charro Vida, Boca Tacos y Tequila and Hotel Congress, offer eco-friendly options, there is still a lot of room for improvement when it comes to reducing unnecessary waste (just like many other cities around the U.S.).

We had our reusables packed (as we always do!) which helped a bit, but it was still a challenge.

Responsible Travel Tip: Pack your reusables (listed below), and eat inside restaurants as much as possible to avoid waste like styrofoam and plastic utensils.

Its difficult to avoid it altogether, but wed recommend bringing the following to help you reduce the waste you create:

Coffee tumbler

Utensil set (great for picnics!)

Reusable straws

Reusable bag (one that stuffs up like this is great!)

Water bottle

For more tips on how to reduce your waste while traveling, check out our article on 18 Simple Ways to Reduce Your Plastic Use Everyday.

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Plan a Trip to Zion National Park

Going to Tucson soon? Share this Article on Pinterest!

We want to hear from you!

Are you planning a trip to Tucson? What things are on the top of your list? Do you have any additional questions for us? Write to us in the comments below and well do our best to get back to you!

Arplis - News source https://arplis.com/blogs/news/38-fun-things-to-do-in-tucson-arizona

[kasunex]

Yesterday me and @heiligelanze were bored so I made this trash complaining about P4. Don’t read if you like P4. Unless you are very chill about people hating on it. 

we talk about why p4 is not good. 

#1 - Boring characters

Yosuke: Wah wah small town is borin (why doesn't he just plan to move when he's older), also homophobic in way that suggests writers thought we were too. neck is too long. Also not closeted >:/

Yu Narukami: Stupid name, stupid design, stupid fuckin face, I hate him, no character arc or character at all, Gary Stu. Boring peice of shit. Also. Not GAY Enough >:/

Yukiko: Boring. Thinks she's trapped into being innkeeper when not at all. Never tells parents she doesn't want to or makes any attempt to change anything. Only other character trait is laughs (annoying)

Chie: Guyz I like kung fu n meat isnt that quirky, (bc apparently women don't like meat?????) also not gay or trans >:/

Kanji: Almost good. But misleads to think he is good representative media pushing artistic gay man strugling against stereotypes that gays rnt tough. Actually about gender roles but not well explored. Hinted to be bi at best. Atlus u fuckin cowards let me be gay for once >>>>>>>>>://////////////////

Rise: 2 kawaii. Gets annoying. Unwarranted, undeserved crush on main character you cant say no to. (But unlike p3 game doesn't make u with her but we will get to THAT LATER FUCKING P4G)

Naoto: Too good for game. Shoulda been trans tho. 

Teddie: Remove or kill. Annoying af. Tries to steal ur girl. Major mysognist (game is like lol) 

Mitsuo: Insulting to ugly people and to gamer fanbase

Moorako: Insulting to ugly people. Hahah who cares hes dead he was uggo lol

Hanako: Fat ppl r gross rite guys lollolollolllollolololollollololl haha she thinks she's atrratcievew lolololo fat pppl thinkin their hot lololololololo

Kashiwagi: She's old but busted except she looks 30 and treated as gross icky old woman when real teens would be like "I wanna bang dat shit on de desk"

Dojima: Ok I guess

Nanako: Emotional manipulation. doesn't die. unrealistically precious and mature. 

Adachi: Presents as awkward relatable BUT NO ACTUALLY EVIL OVER THE TOP EVIL MUHAHAHA because he couldn't just be a cool guy with a darker side, had to be ANIME CRAZY EVIL DID IT FOR THE LULZ

Namatame: Not built up enough, comes fuckiin out of nowhere

Izanami: Comes even more da faq outta nowhere (GUYS THAT GAS STATION ATTENDENT SHAKING YOUR HAND OBVS EQUALS EVIL OR PLOT SIGNIFICANT LOL) also rips off Nyx and does it shitty

Ameno-Sagiri: Comes even MORE da faq outtta nowhere and vanishes da faq outta nowhere, also irrelevant to plot and meaningless distraction

Margret: Boring af, no personality at all, Elizabeth was more fun 

Saki: Underdeveloped bitch, supposed to be so sad when dies despite not being shown for anythin but bitch also supposed to feel bad for yosuke when she dies even tho she hated him and he would have been rejected anyway seriously wtf

Marie: COMPLETELY IRREDEMABLE GARBAGE FIRE OF PANDERING TRASH. SHOEHORNED INTO PLOT WHEN COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS AND IRRELEVANT. GAME FORCES HER AS LOVE INTEREST WHEN SHE SOMEHOW MANAGES TO STEAL WORST GIRL FROM YUKIKO. ANNOYING TSUNDERE STEREOTYPE. MAKES ME WANT TO KILL SELF.

#2 - Shit plot

Boring af. Crappy tonal issues all the way thru. WAY TO SLICE OF LIFE WHO FUCKIN CARES. 

HEY IM A TRANSFER STUDENT JUST LIKE LAST GAME LOL. Everyone loves me immediately even tho im a lil bitch. 

Oh noes murder of some random chick we never met so sad ;~;

Meet Chie n Yukiko both boring af, immediately like me 

Yosuke is trash can, Mitsuo is creppy and wierd b/c gamers r uggo and uggo ppl are socially inept and suck

Bitchy girl shows up and then dies

Yosuke does1n't get dick wet (he wouldn't anyways but still) so sad 

See TV world, meet worst character in ORGINAL game (assult of bear puns)

fight dumb fuckin demon frog bc yosuke is bored (wtf is dis shit)

Chie is gay bUT NOT REALLY  

Boss of dungeon is too hard, someone went missing or something idk who cares

Meet gay but nOT REALLY

Chases u bc u judge him but NOT REALLY

Gets kidnapped, gay dungeon bUT NOT REALLY actually about gender and cuz he likes cute stuff means he's gay STUPID but actually he's not because gays r icky lol 

Campin time yaya the girls can't cook pffffft a WOMAN CANT COOK TF WOW WOW SO FUNNY A WOMAN CANT COOK WTF WHAT TEH FUCK and also HANAKO IS FAT AND That's' bad

HOMOPHOBIA TIME LOL KANJI IS GAY ARE YOSUKE AND YU SAFE IN A TENT WITH HIM? FIND OUT AT 11

Sexism next day when Yosuke is like I bought u girls sexy swimsuits and will now shame you to wear them ARENT I AN ENDEARING CHARACTER but no dicks are wet except with water (also vomit) including kanji lol abuse (also that could have seriously injured but never brought up BECAUSE ABUSE IS LOLOLOLOOLLOLLLOLLLLOLLLOLLLLLLLLOLLLL) Also game forced u/Yu to be sexist too fuck off game

Nanako is sad whatever who cares

Yosuke wants idol puss so yay idol but shes sad so we stalk guilible peepin tom who is the killer but NOT REALLY while adachi is quirky

Rise is sad that she doesnt know who she is or something fuckin idk STRIPPING TIME BOWCHICAWOWOW also teddie feels useless so everyone dies or smth

Teddie comes out of TV and is now human and annoying mother fucker, Rise is now not sad but KAWAII and Yosuke no longer wants idol puss idk but but IDOL PUSS WANTS BORING FUCKBOY YU DICK (not pandery at all, just your average sexy teen idol wants boring fuckboy)

Teacher is dead he was dick and uggo so who cares lol

Chase after uggo game lover nerd haha dungeon is nerdy game shit lol video games cause violence right guys? Didnt u know that video gamers are all ugly socially inept muderous pathetic freaks????? THATS U BTW UR UGGO INEPT MUDEROUS CREEPY LOSER FREAK LOL 

Also rise cums when you kill enemies 

Now murders are solved rite so lets have celebration!!!! Girls make omlettes but they CANT COOK LOL wasnt that so funny last time joke so nice they made it twice

Summer festival time Rise wants yu dick and Yosuke wants wet dick but teddie claims all three girls for himself and they go without protest despite not wanting to because they are STRONG FEMALE CHARACTERS WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE AND KNOW NOT TO BACKTALK THEIR MAN (isnt this game so progressive) 

PERSONA 3 REFERENCES also underage drinking bUT NOT REALLY JUST SEXUAL HARASSMENT BECAUSE LOL also teddie stalks them lol also teacher books SEX HOTEL???? How wacky

You kno how muder was solved WELL NOT REALLY WHAT A SHOCK THE GAME HAD NO PLOT FOR LIKE TWO MONTHS anyways

Naoto is strong masculine manly mc man detective but gets kidnapped and is actuallY TRANS BUT NOT REALLY IS ACTUALLY JUST GIRL AND THINKS SHES CHILDISH OR SOMETHING but NOT REALLY ACTUALLY SHE’s JUST LONELY but not really idefk. Remember kiddies being different is okay!!! uwu (so long as you ARENT ACTUALLY DIFFERENT U FREAKOZOID kill urself)

Cultrue festival Rise wants u 2 do her in school halls balls deep but game doesn't let you????? lame 0/10 

But then YOSUKE FORCES GIRLS INTO UNCOMFORTABLE beauty pagent that they cant back out of even if someone else signed them up under penalty of DEATH AND RAPE (I presume) because yosuke remains such an endearing character BUT THEN girls get revenge by forcing him into drag contest and u and kanji too even tho it was only yosuke because the GIRLS ARE SUCH AMAZING FRIENDS lol girls are objectified lol fatty thinks shes hot lolllollollooololooloololoollolololooll0lkooolloollololoololol (game designers had to stop in order to finish laughing at own jokes)

then drag contest ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww grosssssssssssssss icky teddie wins because................a dude? PASSING AS A WOMAN??????? Totes not transphobic vibes none at ALL

then HOT SPRINGS SLEEPOVER at inn because there is just SO MUCH MORE FUNNY TO BE HAD (isnt this all so relevant to plot and character??? rich narrative very necessary part of story, game would be UNSALVAGABLE without it) 

Girls are bitches and think that guys are perving because hot springs doesn't tell them when it's time for girls to go? ?????? Great fuckin service amagi inn also why would the guys perv by just casually walking in??? Why why why why why qwhyw why why anyways they throw buckets at the guys and it's HILARIOUS and not at all uncomfortable, guys run away in terror and the girls are like YEAH GIRL POWER!!! Then they find out about mistake and apologize like good friends, people and normal humans would b/c even for pervin that was extra  no just kidding LOL They actually keep it a secret becausE LOL GIRL POWER STRONG RELATABLE FEMALE CHARACTERS AMIRITE WHO HASNT ABUSED THEIR FRIENDS WITHOUT ANY FEELINGS OF REMORSE OR GUILT LOL (also nanako saw that all bad influence on child)

since the friendships are all so wholesome and not at all toxic or unhealthy the guys totally write this off and try to explain themselves to the girls. NO, actualyl, since Tedide and Yosuke are still such ENDEARING characters they instead decide to molest girls in sleep RELATABLE but uh oh they accidentally molest fatty and uggo old teacher who looks 30 and then fatty and teach are like cool let's fuck and like REAL TEENS they are grossed out at being offered sex because yuck women over 20 and fatty also why are fatty and "old" lady hangin out anyway?? Apparently if ur gross u hang out together, b/c that's how it works rite. such grea t non contrivences

Nanako is dying whatever who cares 

Namatame then kidnapps nanako or somth who cares dojima dies but NOT REALLY

then they go to heaven because nanako is sad but nobody gave a shit narukami never cared to ask or try to keep her company isn't he just so GREAT and considerate to the girl being boderline abused and neglected in his own fuckin house no who cares BUT NOW WE CARE RIGHT GUYS

Namatame is cray cray and his boss design is uggo and bullshit

Nanako dies, Yosuke advocates MURDER because he is still SO ENDEARING and player has to chose EXACT FUCKIN DIOLOGUE WITH NOT ONE MISTAKE OR EVERYTHIGN SUCKS AND ITS ALL UR FAULT also in some endings you murder because fuck you 

but then if u dont murder NANAKO WAS DEAD BUT NOT REALLY but only if u dont murder so congrats u were emotionally manipulated into killing the mentally ill b/c ur so great good job

then it turns out Namatame you know how he was cray cray well turns out he wANST REALLY CRAY he just had plot-convient-tempo-insanity-itius as the doctors call it then u talk to him and u know how he was the killer? Welll...NOT REALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY he was actually good guy u almost killed innocent man fck u then u have three chances to guess killer and only u can and if you dont get it in three guesses you get, as the doctors call it, plot-convient-stupid-cant-think-anymore-itius and thus you run out of time and nobody in the world can guess except you and even over the next three months nobody can guess because who cares I guess lol 2 ppl r dead it turns out you know quirky relatable cop man well NOT FUCKIN REALLY he is actually crazy because he's bored and as everyone knows when youre bored you kill also he's sad that he doesn't have talent even tho he is sucessful detective???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? then god bullshit end of world or smth who cares

then everything is over also i forgot teddie disappears so sad but NOT REALLY

Christmas eve sex ( i banged rise on top of christmas cake) 

Girls can now cook character development girls learned how to cook 10/10 v progressive 

Then flash forward to three months later because fuck you and Yu is leavin because idk and the game ends BUT NOT REALLY ashkually you can get TRUE SUPER AWESOME ending if you are able to figure out that you have to go to junes for no reason except fuck you 

turns out the gas station attendent u know him? well he was super bored and he's actually a GOD WOWZERS so amazing did you know jesus was a part timer at a gas station????? NO??? That's why youre playing this sack of shit anyway humanity wants ignorance or so god says (sound familiar, Nyx??) and she almost wins BUT NOT REALLY Because yu has the power of frienship and you know that awesome scene of makoto fighting nyx? Well imagine thaT BUT SHIT b/c no buildup

for all ur xtra efforts u get teddie saying hearts are connected anime KH cliche (wasnt that so worth the extra bullshit dungeon) 

Yu is leaving SO SAD WHAT ARE YOU CRYING ABOUT P3 WUSS CAST? Your friend is dead? GTFO with those 1st world problems NARUKAMI HAS TO TAKE THE TRAIN TO SEE HIS FRIENDS THIS IS THE TRUE TRAGIC DRAMA WHAT COULD BE WORSE

THE END 0/10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

#3 - ASSULT OF THE CASH COWS

so p4 is gr8 rite m8? well no but apparentlly dumb 14yr old boys were like "omg this game half akcnowleges gays exsist so PROGRESSIVE also i can fuck mai waifu n have friends" and so p4 made a shit ton of money atlus saw dis money printin out and were like $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so dey were lyke "lets release a buncha shit”

Persona 4 The Animation: Imagine the same shitty p4 plot but with EVEN MORE HOMOPHOBIA!!!!! also racism!!!! plus MORE FAT JOKES!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahaahahahahah also the animation is piss poor shit!!! Doesn't this sound wonderful????? 

Persona 4 Arena: So Atlus was lyke yannao wat totes goes with our super serious and super "mature" jrpg seriess? Do u kno? BLAZBLUE!!!!! The over the top weeb fighting game!!! YEah son!!!!! So anyways a fighting game comes out with barely any playable characters??????? Great. Fantastic not the least bit fanficy character writing. Also, there is a plot b/c dis shit be canon. Dats right!!! Now you may be thinking "mmmm how does that work????" well the geneiuses at atlus say "B/C SHITTY P3 RETCON CHARACTER IS SAD ABOUT DESTROYING FRINEDS WHOLE TV WORLD BECOMES ARENA WERE PEOPLE HAVE TO FIGHT FRIENDS" and u may hear that and wonder?? "what deh fuck, wasn't tv world gone also when did this ever happen in p4????" to which fanboys proply accuse u of hating fighting games and behead u. 

So at this point in time, P4 is offically dead. It is dead as doornails. but atlus is lyke "Hey let's rape the corpse" and they release shitty remake on overpriced shit system nobody bought. You may be wondering "2012 didn't p4 only come out less than five years ago????" to which atlus says "shut the fuck up and give us money" hence P4 Golden

Persona 4 Golden: Added marie, inistant failure trashfire BUT WAIT!!!! THERE IS SO MUCH MORE!!!! Added events!!! 

a) Yosuke wants dick wet and will cum if he feels boobs on his back!! So Yu and Yosuke team up to get shitty dumb ugly bikes b/c they're sooooo cooool rite mitsuru? You and ur dumb motorbike p4 is the real mature game. Anyway. Then they go hit on girls and yosuke gets one!!! YAY!! BUT OH NO!!! IT'S ACTUALLY STUPID FATSO STILL THINKIN SHE'S HOT WHEN SHE'S ACTUALLY STUPID BC SHE'S FAT!!! She then sits on yosuke's bike and it breaks because lol shes fat get it get it get it get it????? Doesn't this add so much to the story??? RICH NARATIVE RIGHT GUYS?!

b) BEACH TIME!!! Because that's where the real compelling drama is!!! Anyway they go to the beach and yuckerbears kanji is in a speedo!!! Gross!! I hope yosuke doesn't catch the gay!!! Then teddie tries to molest the girls bc he's such an endearing character lol then kanji's bathing suit falls off!!!! How did this happen u may ask?? ANIME MAGIC!! So then they dress kanji in seaweed like birth of venus and girls scream and run. the end. 

c) Fireworks festival yay time ted-fiya so memorable. Yosuke wants to murder Teddie bc PORN so funny haha more fat jokes also teddie wants 2 bang nanako

d) Nanako is sad again whatever who cares

e) Halloween party!!! BUT NOT REALLY!!

f) SKIING TRIP!!!! YAY!!! P3 REFERENCES!!! YAY!!! Shiptease!!! Yay!!! Teddie steals food so Naoto advocates for his MURDER!!! YAY!! IF YOU DID MARIES SLINK YOU GET XTRA AWESOME DUNGEON!! ALSO IMPLIED RAPEY SEX IN THE SNOW BUT NOT REALLY!!! ANYWAY turns out that marie sucked up the ameno sagiri fog! What u thought it just went away on its own?? BULLSHIT!!!! Next you'll be questioning the ever so important role of NPC John Smith in creating Izanami's gas attendent disguise. Or NPC Billy Bob in giving Ameno Saigiri directions to the boss fight. RIVETING DIOLAUGE LIKE "is this like the part in movies where the bad guys lair collapses??????" WORST GIRL IS DEAD BE SAD EVERYONE ELSE IS U MONSTER!!! BUT NOT REALLY!!! INSTEAD SHIP FUEL!!!! Also marie is polite for half second, AMAZES ENTIRE CAST GREAT WRITING!!!!!!!!! dont u love it when ur friends treat u like shit? then there’s a lovely scene where the dudes perv on the girls who are sexaulized and marie attacks them. Riveting. Then they all died and we were all happy. 

g) New years eve. That is all. also new stupid persona evolutions that look stupid. 

h) Valentine's DAY!!! I bang Rise on the da beach!!! Also if u slink with marie at all she forces you to cheat!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!

i) OH, NO! Yosuke is going to have to move maybe idk wasnt he supposed to want to move??? idk shut up. anyways. to keep yosuke miserable his friends have to become a band in TWO DAYS!!!! How will they ever do that??? well guess what with zero experience the entire group becomes master musicians in TWO DAYS!!!!!!! That's right, it's that easy!!!! U 2 can become as good as Green Day in two Days!!!! not that they ever play again lol or ever bring this up again lol. Then the dudes jump into the crowd and lol the crowd dodges thme aand nothing is accomplished. 

j) New super awesome epilogue you only get if you slink marie even tho she isn’t there for 90% of it whatever the new designs suck

Anyway since the game isn't slice of life enough you can now bang rise in the movies and the hot springs also you can go out at night so exciting.

You can now force Naoto into sexy outfits against her will because isn’t it so cute when girls don’t like being objectified??? Also they molest her at the hot springs??? Also 

So yeah P4G sucks ass. But ATLUS didn't stop there!!!! OH no! Atlus then went on to make Persone Q!!! They decided this time to drag innocent bystander P3 as well!!

Persona Q: some bullshit about a dying girl causes the P3 and P4 cast to meet in a wonderful culture festival crossover!! With lovely gameplay and no regression in character!! Chie always had nothing to her past loving meat right????? Also yu can fuck the dog from p3!! isnt this so believable and not the least bit stupid or contrived? isn't it?? Isn't it???????? Not much to say its just dumb surely Atlus must be done now right?? RIGHT?? WRONG!!!!!!

 Now you see since P4G came out, OBVIOUSLY the anime needs to be partially remade! You may be asking, isn't the anime less than TWO YEARS old at this point? Why remake it? Did golden really have such a different story? No. 

P4 Golden Animation: Marie, marie, marie, marie, ten episodes of marie, never goes anywhere, confusing and boring af but look 16 yr olds in bikinis and nude and not totally shit animation so it's ok right? RIGHT? RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! P4 at this point has been raped to death all over again and the corpse is still being fucked and they won't just let it die. BUT NO!!!! Enter p4 arena ultimax!!

P4 Arena Ultimax: B/c the first was so great, they made another!! Game so nice they made it twice!! but now the dark hour from p3 is back because idk we ran out of ideas. Also junpei and koromaru and adachi great. But guess what!!!!!! AWESOME NEW CHARACTER!! His name is sho!! He is the secret son of dude from P3, how is this possible? fuck you. Anyway he is so tragic and sad he hates friendship!! awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! :((((( But never fear!!! The p4 team will show sho the glory of frienship isnt this so interesting and original and great????

p4's violated, torn up corspe now has zero dignity left so atlus decided to reanimate the corpse with dead horse dildos and force it to dance 

P4 DAN: Dancing. Shit dancing. Nobody knows how to dance. Remember how P4 used to be about murder and accepting uncomfortable truths???? Well now its about shittily animated dances. Isn't this so great? Guess what we lean about the characters? We learn that they can't fuckin dance and watching them is cringy af. Also now the tv world is a dance stage because the tv world just does whatever the fuck we want it to. what if a characters shadow is a rapist, would they be forced to rape?? is that how atlus would make a porn game?? if we wanted to make a chess game a famous chess player who feels forced to play chess will then make u forced to play chess. .... so obivously, the P4 fandom realized that Atlus was raping their game and refused to buy it right?? RIGHT??? WRONG. They actually will castrate you with a rusty carving knife if you ever so much as imply P4 is a cash cow.

It totally is tho

[putris-et-mulier]

I had a hard time growing up with my father cause he does what we'd call tough love I guess, but I'm pretty sure a lot of it was abuse. But I always wanted to have kids and I am really good with em, people always point it out cause theres this idea guys arent supposed to be good with kids, that is ridiculous. But I think I just wanna prove I'd be a better father than him... All the discussion here about abortion and reasons to be a parent and wanting to be kinda savior to your kids it really 1/2

it really made me reconsider why I want to have kids. I don’t think proving I’d be a good dad is enough reason and also seems like a burden to put on the kid… idk if this makes sense. I wouldn’t ask a girl to abort cause thats her decision and I’m bi so I also think a lot about adoption. If I happen to have kids I will try my best to be a good dad but now I think I will wait and try to work out my issues first… that I don’t anything to my father and I dont have to live to prove him wrong.

Firstly, you definitely need to work on those issues before you have children in any fashion, especially adoption, because not wanting disability doesn’t protect your children from becoming disabled

Secondly, you might want to consider adopting older NTAB children because so many don’t get adopted and if they do become disabled they will still have NTAB conditioning so it won’t be like raising a child from a foreign culture but even then you have to make sure it’s the right choice for you

Thirdly, you don’t have to prove anything.

As someone who has always been in and out of hospitals and doctors offices for 30 years I can tell you that male nurses are by far the best and most any female nurse that has worked with one will tell you the same.

There is this misconception that men can’t be carrying or compassion or safe but men who go into that line of work or just sincerely want to be fathers like mine are the absolute best. I know it takes a unique person to be like this, male or female, but in this case I think masculine conditioning is actually beneficial.

Cis women are expected to bear pain better than cis men despite what the social rhetoric says and because they are conditioned to hide pain so often they have less empathy for other people in pain. They are also expected to be in those positions so they tend to be there because it’s expected, not because they actually care.

For anyone out there male or non-binary who is interested in becoming a nurse or caretaker or aides in classrooms and at disabled camps or special ed teacher, or anything involving disabled kids, please pursue this interest!

I have MD and it’s very rare in females so when I went to MDA camp there were just a few of us girls in a cabin but many other ones for the male children. Before McDonald’s bought it and used it as a way to make money off of experimenting on disabled children (I haven’t mentioned that in a while so a lot of you may not know the story) anyway, before that the counselors were all teenagers. There was an adult staff but they were there to supervise all of us, having teenage NTAB counselors be the only ones that took care of us or live with us was absolutely amazing.

We didn’t feel like we were being monitored constantly because everyone was a teenager which meant they were young and cool, everybody wants to be a teenager when you’re a kid. They also treated us like we were just kids, not disabled kids. We were cute and we were just there to have fun around our own people so they were there primarily as counselors, no one had formal training or anything so they hadn’t been taught not to listen to us yet. They all knew first-aid and were told about the conditions but they didn’t know what to do to take care of us so they asked and they listened. It was like this magical place until McDonald’s House™ bought us but things weren’t quite as good for my male peers. But let me put my epiphany in context.

Every single night the teenagers had a huge party. They took shifts on who would stay with us at night so everyone spent at least half their nights getting absolutely wasted and having casual sex in the woods.

There was always one night when the campers all had a “dance” and the counselors were always excited to give us a good time because we were so adorably excited to have our own party with them. And the counselors off nighttime shift those nights partied heavier than ever and those who didn’t want to were more than happy to just sleep with us. They weren’t buzz skills, they were helping people party.

It was the closest thing to a utopia I’ve ever experienced.

None of this would be allowed to go on anymore and it wouldn’t have been at that time either if the adults knew what was going on but we were all in it together, we were all technically kids. Even though our counselors were also kids we were always the safest when they were running things. The type of person who is going to even be interested in doing something like this let alone doing it to that extent is still that type of person even if they are away from home. They partied hard, really hard, and since they had the freedom to do so they took responsibility. Everyone had equal time at the parties and none of them resented us because we weren’t a responsibility, we were just too young to party so everyone who actually wanted some sleep was happy to be there in the cabins with us at night, it was especially fun for us in the girls cabin because each night we had different counselors telling us all the gossip so we ended up knowing everyone’s dirty laundry.

There were a very few teenage campers but they were “allowed” to go to the parties because they weren’t crippled kids, they were other teenagers. This also encouraged the older kids with MD to feel like capable human beings and so they would help look after all of us kids which is an experience every disabled child should have. They were cool because they were teenagers but they were also one of us, they weren’t one of them.

None of them did this because anyone was trying to socialize them or “make them feel important” by giving them “responsibilities” they did it because they wanted to. Everyone was in on it together and everyone wanted to have the best time possible so they chipped in during so they could party harder at night. It probably goes without saying that it was an amazing example for those of us who were younger.

We were observant so we always knew when someone was being forced or “assigned” to look after us but these guys weren’t, they treated us like little brothers and sisters because our bond came organically. We actually had role models that were one of us, going to the camp was one of the first times that a lot of kids realized that they could have the chance to be actual teenagers.

It’s kind of funny, they were young enough that they didn’t have a hard time bouncing back from a night of drinking or going without sleep but it made mornings easier for us children because a lot of them were waking up with something that felt like a bit of chronic illness themselves so they couldn’t have forced us to use all of our spoons first thing in the morning even if they wanted to.

But one night a party had gotten too hardy and so there was a shortage of capable counselors the next morning and the shortage was in the male cabins, the girls could always hang. Our counselors split up to go help get all the kids up which took a lot of time. The counselors that were best taking care of us physically split up amongst all of the cabins and that morning we had some of the female counselors from the male cabins come to help us instead of all of our usual ones.

I got a girl I eventually got an innocent childhood crush on, she was always “one of the boys” but she was so confident that no one would have described her like that, she was just herself and that made her a badass. She was also beautiful but I did have legitimate non-shallow reasons!

I was a lot stronger then so I was taking off all of my pajamas as quickly as I could because we all knew about the situation so I was trying to get undressed as quickly as possible so she could help one of the younger kids but she stopped me from taking my shirt off.

She said that I could keep it on while she was helping me into my pants so I wouldn’t be completely naked. I laughed to let her know it was no big deal and told her that I didn’t mind. That’s what I learned to say to the nurses throughout my life to make them a little less resentful about me but it didn’t work on her.

She looked extremely frustrated and I realized years later she wasn’t frustrated with me, per se, she was frustrated with what I had said. She said, “there’s no reason you have to be completely naked in front of everyone, most people don’t do that.”  I didn’t know what to do because I only learned to make “normal” people feel as comfortable as possible so I tried to tell her it was fine but she cut me off and said, “You know that I work in one of the boys cabins even though I’m a girl? It’s because there aren’t a lot of guy counselors so none of the boys get any modesty. I only help change one thing at a time so the boys don’t feel completely embarrassed and they still get to feel like boys.”

That was language I understood even if the concept blew me away and it’s something that comes to mind quite often.

I suddenly noticed that there were usually only people around us that had vaginas. That had to be weird for the guys. I then noticed that that they were treated like girls, not like NTAB boys. I’ve always wondered if it was any different for the boys who like other boys, because I figured that must make them more uncomfortable.

Disabled people are conditioned to be asexual but a heteronormative asexual. We are expected to get “crushes” and it’s completely safe because we can’t have sex. Why medical professionals think you can’t have sex because you sit down a lot I have no idea.

Imagine how little representation or participation socially that  gender and sexual minority children get, it’s a million times worse when they are disabled. There has been and always will be a huge need for people to work in caretaking positions that aren’t cis women.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal,

it’s been a while. haha.

i just read some old journal entries i wrote the summer before leaving for Chicago for the first time and it was pretty interesting! I totally forgot I even tried to journal each day even back then. I wonder how that me would feel seeing me as I am now. Not totally grown and not as mature or far along as I might’ve liked. But someone that did go through a lot and is still standing today.

I... play the victim mentality. A lot. I’m also incredibly selfish!

For so long, I didn’t understand why Chicago became such a fire show. I thought I was so confident and all cool and good back in California and had reached a place where I felt super confident and aware of myself but boY WAS I WRONG. I WASNT THERE AT ALL! I constantly struggled with feeling like a burden back in California so it’s no surprise that that just followed me to Chicago! LOL.

I think I really need to learn who to receive well. By being genuinely grateful and never taking anything for granted. I think a part of me likes to serve all the time bc I never have to worry that I’m actually being selfish bc im doing such a selfless thing. I think I am actually smart and don’t give myself the benefit of the doubt a lot of the times. It’s not that I fail a lot in the areas in which I fall short. It’s moreso that I am so incredibly hard myself for not being able to do a better job that I end up just never moving forward and never get any better. Which discourages me even more. Which causes me to do worse. And the cycle continues over and over and over again. 

I want to do so much. I want to be that perfect friend that always knows what to say and has all the right answers and the truth of the matter is, im not. im not perfect and i still have a long way to grow. im still trying to figure myself out now by understanding my strengths and weaknesses. i have gotten in my head a lot by focusing on just the areas where i lack. im constantly trying to compensate for something or another. I try so hard in school and do my best to maintain a high GPA bc i failed in high school. And even though I do have a good GPA, I can’t help but feel immense shame and failure when i look back at where i was in high school. a lot of time has passed since then and a lot has happened. ive grown and gone through some tough stuff and im still somehow still standing here today. ive learned that grades really arent everything in the face of life. And yet, I can’t confess that I only went to Columbia College Chicago bc it was the only school I got into. That I failed almost all the AP classes I took. That I didn’t even pass any of the exams. That I ended up graduating with a 2.9 GPA weight and probably more like 2.6 unweighted. I feel so much shame that I am always too afraid to just be honest and unapologetically me about it. 

i still feel on edge being home. it went well at first and im doing my best to just be a good steward and a good daughter/sister for my family. i had a fairly deep and insightful conversation with my sister this morning. i got to watch a movie and learn more about my mom today. ive been doing my best to not be bitter but to just instead be grateful and present in the moment. i got to talk to my dad last night when he drove me home from the airport and actually offered to buy me in n out. i was even surprised when my mom agreed to watch a movie with me today. and i was more surprised when she was actually willing to spend over $100 on me today at uniqlo just so i have more clothes. i was really timid in asking and was afraid she would immediately say no and question why i even thought to bother asking at all. 

but i am really stressed and on edge. im afraid that my sister is going to tell me im being annoying and talking too much so im trying to be aware of how much i talk and what i say so as to not get on her nerves. im afraid of eating too much food and my mom calling me fat or there being another miscommunication like my junior year and shit just hitting the roof and everything going down the hole. i really dont want that to happen again and im doing my best to keep open communication and pretend like everything is fine and pretend to be chill and calm and normal and fine when i am definitely not. 

a part of me wants to reach out to pjosh and ask how he thinks ive grown this past year. i know he believes i have and maybe i just want to hear it from him rn for my own sanity and to feel validated and know that i have done some good even if i cant see it right now. but i also dont want to be so dependent and clingy and reliant on him. i do want to do my best to just take this time back home to really process and reflect and re-evaluate my life so i can come back stronger than ever to chicago when i do eventually return. sigh. i do really want to do a good job.

at least im pretty happy with how i left things in chicago! i did feel present and like i was a part of the community monday night with the other movement kids. i was happy. and i was pretty nervous to post a “see you later! have a great summer” post in our chat but ended up just going for it anyway and actually got some positive responses from people im not even very close to. i was happy. im glad i got to hangout with them one last time before leaving.  and i was really happy when david made an effort to greet me and side hug me when he got to my apartment ^_^ im really glad we’re on good terms again.

no wonder people didnt like me for so long. i was so bitter and in my own head about everything for so long and couldnt let go of it bc it had become my identity. i just constantly carried around negative energy wherever i went. 

but i do want to do better.

and, i want to get back with God. I’ve been too afraid to so far. I think in large part bc im worried about how other people view me or going too far or losing my community or what i do have now. but i think the solution to all my problems and how to get back on track with God is to simply be present and honest and vulnerable with Him. It’s to allow myself to feel everything ive been denying/avoiding. It’s to let myself cry free of judgment. It’s to just be present and here and with God and intentional and deliberate in the space I have with Him. It’s to just be.

and i hope i can get there. 

please God.

i pray this all in your name,

amen.