#shes so 'mentally ill child does everything they can to appear as normal but its never good enough n it builds up until it all breaks

[fecto-forgo]

i dropped bnha eons ago but i just read up on how togas character went n oh man she was rly the highlight of the entire manga wasnt she

[forestlingincorporated]

I wanna talk about Janet Drake

I’m not against exaggeratedly evil versions of Tim’s parents, tbh. It’s fanfiction, if we can depict an Exaggeratedly Good version of Bruce (which we can, and I do, and I love) then we can depict the Drakes as Exaggeratedly Bad. As someone who personally identifies with Tim, and his brand of complicated parental abuse in particular, I find it cathartic to uncomplicate that abuse and rescue him from the Obviously Evil Bad People. 

That said, since much of comics lore is passed down word of mouth, the oral tradition surrounding Tim has developed this idea of Janet as The Worse Parent between her and Jack that was never really present in the comics. We see much LESS of Janet, and we have 20 years worth of comics depicting Jack as a neglectful hotheaded idiot who ultimate does love his son. More importantly, Jack isn’t very much LIKE Tim, so there is a habit to attribute Tim’s traits to his mother... and, as someone who really really identifies with Tim, Tim has... some negative traits. Tim can be a bitch sometimes. He’s fiercely intelligent and sweet and kind, with a strong sense of justice, but he can be cold and judgmental and unthinking - he fights those traits, but he does have them. 

And it is perfectly fine to depict Janet that way. I’ve enjoyed depictions of Cold Calculating Janet Drake, but it’s not the ONLY option, and I want to challenge fans to consider different avenues. Tim could pick up these traits from anywhere: a nanny, Mrs. Mc Ilvaine (”Mrs. Mac”), a teacher, tv, Sherlock Holmes novels, Bruce Wayne himself. Tim is capable of not being like EITHER parent. 

So, what do we KNOW about Janet? (I’ll also touch on Jack, but only in scenes he appears with Janet.) 

When Janet was first introduced she was depicted as a gentle but “modern” woman. This was written in 1989, told by a 13 year old Tim, so this theoretically was meant to take place in 1979. I’m not here to give a lecture on the history of sex discrimination in the united states, but much of the legislation protecting women in the workforce or surrounding women’s bodily autonomy would have been very very new in this initial depiction. 

Here, Janet is shown to be encouraging, emotional, maternal, and projects her own feelings onto Tim. Jack is shown to be slightly sexist, possibly discouraging, but not overbearing. And the artist is shown not to know how to draw children. 

To insert some speculation, I think it’s important to note all the Drakes witnessed a terrible murder/accident that day. I point this out, because this is the last time Jack and Janet are depicted this way. It’s possible they changed as a result of this event specifically. 

However, this is also a story being told by Tim. It’s also possible these events aren’t really “real” at all, and Tim is misremembering what his parents were like as a three-year-old, possibly projecting a more palatable version of his parents into the narrative. This is entirely up to personal interpretation. 

In fact, the Drakes are shown in Legend of the Dark Knight attending Haly’s Circus, and the artist knows what a toddler looks like and they’re depicted as already having a slightly strained relationship. Jack is clearly on the defensive, and Janet seems to be passive-aggressive, though she could just be attempting to explain the situation to her toddler honestly. The intended tone isn’t especially clear. 

I do want to point out, in this depiction, Tim isn’t being carried like he was in the previous one. He’s walking ahead of his parents, which isn’t a terrible horrible crime, but could be dangerous in a crowded place like the circus. Might be a subtle hint to his parents overall neglect. 

Back to A Lonely Place of Dying, in Tim’s memories of the night he discovered Robin and Dick Grayson were the same person at nine-years-old, his parents are home, and watching TV together while Tim played... trucks, idk, in the living room with them. (This is semi-interesting, because you could say “oh, Tim liked vehicle toys as a kid” or you could extrapolate that this is another subtle indication of Jack’s sexism, providing Tim with appropriately “boy toys.” Either interpretation is valid. If Tim was assigned female at birth, would they have been given “girl toys,” or allowed to play with whatever they wanted?) 

This is, to my knowledge, the only panel of the Drakes when Tim is between ages 3 and 13. They’re all together, which might indicate that the Drakes were home more often when Tim was 9, only later going on business trips when Tim was “old enough” but... 

This is Tim’s boarding school when he’s 13. While most boarding schools in the US are for grades 9-12, Tim is clearly not a freshman at age 13; look how much younger the other kids in this panel are. In the US, the youngest you can attend most boarding schools is 7. 

That means Tim could have begun going to boarding school anytime between 7 and 13. He most likely spent all of middle school in boarding school, at least. There are an almost infinite number of possible ways the Drakes handled having a business that required lots of international travel, an archeology hobby, AND a very young child. Janet staying home until Tim was 7, 11, 13, is equally possible as the Drakes having a nanny until 7, 11, 13. Tim just doesn’t talk about that period of his life very much.

(”What about Mrs. Mac?” - it is unclear when Mrs. Mac begins working for the Drakes. We only see her when Jack comes out of his coma. She could either be a long standing staff member, or a recent hire.) 

Note: I’ve seen it said that it’s canon that “According to Tim, when his parents were home, they made a point to try and include him in their activities, bringing him along to events that were normally adults only.” I have never seen this panel, or I don’t remember it, so I cannot confirm, but I also cannot debunk this because... comics. 

By the time Tim is 13, Jack and Janet are away on business trips a lot, with limited communication, and no firm return date. If I’m feeling generous, I’d say it was harder to communicate internationally in 1990 than it is today. If I’m not feeling generous, I’d say the Drakes are extremely wealthy, and international communication was easier than ever before in the 80s and 90s. They’re not even going home to see Tim in a week or two, they’re going home and calling Tim at boarding school in a week or two. 

Even Bruce thinks its weird, though he doesn’t say so to Tim’s face. It’s written almost as if Tim’s parents’ neglect was meant to be a plot point that just got forgotten about. 

Tim’s parents are fighting at this point (their poor assistant), but Janet still goes with Jack on these business trips. And she’s clearly involved in the business, somehow, but the comics never SAY what Janet’s JOB is. We’re told Jack is the exec, but Janet is ONLY ever referred to as Jack’s wife, though they’re later described as the “heads” of the company, plural. 

Just to be clear, this is Jack’s business. There’s a perception that Jack is a bad business man because he and Janet fight over company decisions, and Jack looses the business after Janet dies, but Jack looses the company YEARS after Janet dies, and maintains it for about a year after No Man’s Land at that. We’re not told how Jack looses the business, but he’s got to be doing something right. Janet isn’t necessarily the “real brains” of Drake Industries. 

And I’m not... gonna... touch the... exploitation and racism because... I’m not qualified to do that. But, here’s the panel. The Drakes sure seem exploitative and racist in their business decisions. Someone else can... analyze that with more nuance. 

Regardless how how long they’ve been fighting, when their lives are in danger, the Drakes fall back into a loving husband and wife. Their marriage may be falling apart, but they do care about each other. 

I want to show these panels because it shows that Tim and Jack do have things in common. They’re both level headed in a crisis and can be somewhat cold in their practicality. Janet meanwhile and silent. Jack is later willing rant and rave at their captors, but Janet remains silent. 

That is, until they’re alone, and she finally lets herself fall apart. 

God, Jack can be obnoxious. Janet just looks miserable and resigned. I actually think Tim takes after his parents in this respect in equal measure. Tim can have a temper, but he can also be fairly melancholy and defeatist. 

Jack keeps reminding Janet to be strong and in control, which could be period typical sexism? But Jack seems so practiced and ready with the words of encouragement, and with Tim’s history with depression, I wonder if Janet has an inclination towards it as well. 

As the end approaches, when Jack brings up Tim, Janet seems to have a lot of regret. She talks about “wasting” the good things, and I don’t think it’s too big of a stretch to assume she’s talking about time spent with her only child. 

From this point on, Janet is at times spoken of, but not seen. Like here, when Jack says Janet wouldn’t approve of him and Tim being so “far apart.” He says this after he tells him he takes back his threat to send him back to boarding school, which might imply Janet was against the idea of boarding school? Though she obviously lost that argument when she was alive. 

Jack will of course renege on this later, but that’s Jack Drake for you. 

Or here in Tim’s illness induced dream, where he gets everything he wants. Though, since this is a fantasy of Tim’s, where his father and girlfriend are both more accepting and understanding than they are in real life, I would take this depiction of Janet with a grain of salt. 

After loosing Drake Industries, Jack thinks about Janet (though, they call her Catherine/Cathy for some fucking reason) during his depressive episode. And... uh... 

Hallucinates a Valkyrie???? Is this symbolic of suicidal thoughts, or is she... real? Or is he seriously hallucinating? 

Anyway, we’re not here to discuss Jack’s mental state, the fact that he forgot Tim’s birthday, or that concerning “I was going to knock some sense into you but you’re still bigger than me” statement from Tim, we’re here to talk about Janet. And even though this entire arc is about Jack mourning his first wife, they don’t SAY anything about Janet herself at all. I mean, they don’t even get her name right, so I guess what was I expecting. 

Then there’s Origins and Omens, which also doesn’t say anything about Janet, except that Tim’s memory of her is faulty - Janet was poisoned, her assistant Jeremy’s throat was slit on television, but Tim seems to have conflated the death he did see with the death he didn’t. 

The only piece of canon to suggest that Janet might be cold, is Tim compares her to Thalia. And even then, he’s really just saying Janet was protective of him. It’s kind of a scary look to make at your kid, but Bruce does the same thing, so. 

I do want to say... it’s not 100% clear if Tim is even talking about Janet. He could be talking about Dana. Dana was observably protective of Tim, though I don’t think he’s ever called her mom. He PROBABLY means Janet. 

And finally we have Tim visiting his mother’s grave (in a duel Christian/Jewish cemetery, make of that what you will), where Tim says she was “a little religious.”

And that’s it! That is all we know about Janet Drake in New Earth. Hardly the Mom From Hell, but she isn’t perfect. I’d be interested in seeing some alternate depictions of her within the fandom. 

I’m still gonna eat up Terrible Parents From Hell like a starving puppy dog, though. Just some food for creative thought. 

[rjshepherd]

How would the five lords react to the SO death.

Each one would die from heart break

ssksksksk SO I ACTUALLY HAVENT FLESHED OUT HOW I WRITE ANY OF THE LORDS EXCEPT HEISENBERG. IM STILL IN THE PROCESS OF DOING IT BUT ILL CERTAINLY GIVE THEM ALL A GO

Miranda

Miranda is completely at a loss over your death. She now needs 2 vessels to bring back both her greatest loves. She's even more violent than before, stepping up her experiments and expanding the mold to dangerous degrees. If somehow she does manage to bring you back, she wont be the same woman you loved, so changed by grief she is virtually unrecognisable. part of her wanted to curl up and die, just as she had done with Eva but she knew she had to press on, no matter the cost to her or the world at large.

Alcina

Alcina is dramatic but perhaps justifiably so. She's never loved anyone as she did you. Learning that you had died was physically painful for her. she goes through the stages of grief quicker than most. First is shock. she laughs at the messenger, tells them they are mistaken. how could YOU have died? she took such good care of you, protected you from everyone and everything. there's no way, they have the wrong address. When the message finally reaches her brain, alcina goes quiet and paler than normal. her eyes are welling up but she tries to stay composed, wait until she is alone before breaking down in a fit of despair. She breaks things, smashes mirrors and windows and screams until her voice gives out. After anger comes depression; alcina spends days if not weeks locked in her personal quarters sobbing and looking over old photos. She doesn't eat or drink, even at her daughters insistence and begins to wither away. They miss you too, you made their mother so happy.

Eventually Miranda interveens, forcing alcina to get a grip and take care of her condition again. She promises alcina if the right vessel can be found, she will bring you back again. Miranda has no intention of following through, but it will ensure Alcina's loyalty for years to come. She adds another rose to her lapel. a white one to represent her pure love for you.

Donna

Donna's reaction to the news of your passing has people a little concerned. she doesn't cry, she doesn't scream, she doesn't even seem to react at all. the only sign that she's even heard the news is that Angie twitches in her hand slightly. Donna removes herself from the situation, literally and figuratively. She takes to her bed, losing interest in even breathing in and out. Angie gathers dust by her bedside and donna hardly moves for days at a time. she seems even more like a ghost than normal.

One day, she appears back with the other lords like nothing has happened, but they can all sense her illness has gotten worse than before. Her flowers sprout everywhere and even the other lords are stuck with her forced hallucinations of you, making them all pretend you're alive and well. When that finally falls through donna disappears again for a few days, returning with a new doll to play with. She brings the you!puppet to meetings, has dinner with it and takes it to bed like its the real thing. Its very unhealthy all round. poor girl just isnt coping well.

Moreau

ok might lose some people with this one but moreau looks to you as a parental figure more than a partner. i don't think he has the mental capacity for such relationships in his current state. Losing you is like a child losing their guardian , just as devastating as losing an s/o albeit in a different way . he wanders about the reservoir looking lost and sobbing. he does that thing that fish do when they're sick, just sitting at the bottom of his lake not moving until the stones start to scratch up his stomach and legs. when someone coaxes him onto dry land he just lies in front of his tv and watches the static, or replays your favorite movie on repeat until the tape wears out. The other lords actually feel for him, they want to help but have no idea how. they just didn't understand your relationship or why you would even want to be around him. His love for you competed with his love for miranda, so she wasn't sad to see you go. After a few days of letting him mope she goes about poisoning Moreau's memory of you. Soon his love for you is replaced with even more fanatic love for miranda. She didn't leave him like you did after all.

Karl

Outwardly, he seems to take it the best out of all of them. He accepts the news somewhat gracefully. i imagine he asks to see your body so he can say goodbye, no matter what state you were in. Actually the state of your body would depend on how well he cold keep it together. no wounds to the point you looked like you were sleeping, he'd spend a lot of time saying goodbye, stroking your hair and cheek, maybe talking to you for a few hours. i imagine he would give you something of his like his necklace or tags so that you would always have a piece of him. He'd keep it together until he was alone, then break down. Karl's response to a lot of negative emotional stimuli is usually anger, but right now he just doesnt have the energy for that. He just sits in his chair or a corner of his lab and drinks until he passes out.

If you were a mangled mess, he would be less stoic. I imagine he would need to be pulled away from your body by the other lords to stop him seeing you in such a state. They dont want his last memory of you to be of blood and gore.

If miranda were responsible? well, somethings getting broken. Karl lets out a massive discharge of electricity that takes out a lot of the electrics in the building. foolish, since he'll need to replace them but he just had to get that anger out. He's out for this woman's blood now.

No matter what happened to you, karl is even more determined to get his revenge on miranda. He works all hours of the day and night to perfect his experiments and pull a bride of frankenstein and bring you back somehow. again, like donna, this is not a healthy way to cope but we all know grief does funny things to people

there you go nonnie! i had a lot of fun with this one, im actually trying hard to write for alcina right now so maybe ill start writing the other lords eventually too!

[licncourt]

As an EXTREME newbie to the VC fandom, I've seen so many people hate Anne Rice even though they love her work. Not saying they're not justified, I'm just clueless. Can you explain why she's so hated, if you can?

Oh God, that's a big question with a list of reasons that could circle the globe BUT I will do my best to explain the Anne Rice lore. A lot of it has been covered already by this thread, but I'll give a tl;dr/short form list here (please feel free to ask for sources/receipts for any of this btw, I'll dig them up if anyone wants)

The raging AR narcissism is covered in the link, but that's the jumping off point for all of these problems

She was notorious for harassing and suing fanfic writers (again, all the details are in the link) as well as pretty much anyone who spoke negatively about her writing (her infamous "interrogating the text from the wrong perspective" rant is here)

Her handling of characters of color is notoriously racist, as is her incredibly normalized depiction of slavery in Interview with the Vampire. POC, when they do actually appear in the series, are pretty much exclusively villains whose actions are very racially coded. Otherwise they're just heavily fetishized (sometimes both). She explicitly calls "the East" barbaric and evil compared to the "the West" which has "no place for evil". Racism is a BIG one

Most of her female characters (of which there are very few) also fall into sexist tropes in much the same way

In spite of its reputation as "queer media", AR clearly goes out of her way to downplay the gayness of her GAY relationships and she does so by normalizing pedophilia and incest in the books so she can say "vampire love is just different ❤️". Both incest and pedophilia are constant themes in all her published work to a very creepy degree which is its own problem

Sexual violence is heavily and frequently justified within her narratives, everything from the romanticized grooming of a child to outright victim blaming (she pretty much comes out and says "they were asking for it")

She had very harmful and regressive views on mental health inside of and outside of the books. She openly believed that overcoming mental illness is a matter of willpower and those who can't are just weak. The suggestion that any of her (favorite) characters be read as mentally ill or neurodivergent was very poorly received

Also she was just unhinged, a couple of my favorite examples being the time she feuded with the founder of Popeye's in character as Lestat and the time she opened her novel Blood Canticle by having "Lestat" berate the audience for not liking Memnoch the Devil

Basically, she was a racist, sexist, often mean-spirited, narcissistic nutcase who only wrote three good books but kept going anyway

If I missed anything, please add them on!

[tomdiddlyumptious]

Can u do a Tom Holland x black reader

Where there relationship has been secret for a while and reader confronts him while there with the ffh cast at a get together and they have a huge argument in front of everyone and reader starts to think he wants to keep her a secret because of what she looks like . Ending in fluff

YES. BTW IF ANYONE ELSE HAS REQUESTS THROW THEM AT ME I NEED TO MAKE IT UP TO UU GUYS🥺

Summary: huh-

Warnings: uhhhh- a dick thomas and a faking it andddd- NOW NOW NOW NANANANA NOW YÆS- jk fluff

A/n: AYO CHILL WITH THE FOLLOWS-AHHHH I LYSMMMMMMMM-

You wanted to not care, you wanted to act like your feelings weren’t hurt- but it wasn’t true, it wasn’t fair. You sigh and laid in bed with him thinking about everything you gave to him, everything you’ve done for him.....but he can’t even take you outside? What the fuck, no really. What the actual fuck.

Your blood boiled on the inside out, just looking at him clouded your mind with all these negative thoughts. You didn’t want it to happen but you couldn’t help it, and since you refused to shed a tear your head was pounding and lips slightly chapped. Hearing his moan made you jump a bit, turning your back to him as you acted sleep. “Y/n?” He whispered, turning enough to look at you and smiled, leaning over to kiss up your arm all the way to your cheek as he took his hand to rub your waist. “Y/n wake up, I wanna make you coffee” he chuckled, biting your ear before kissing it. You opened your eyes and tried best not to laugh, just something about getting caught always made you giggle.

“Hmm?” You let out when he pressed a kiss to your lips, “I wanna make you coffee” you smacked your lips and laid back down “Thomas I’m still tired” lie, you just wanted time to yourself to think about what your gonna do. “Pleaseeeee y/nnnnn!” He shook you and you groaned “fine” he smiled and bit your revealed shoulder making you squeal and try to wiggle him away leaving him laughing at you before he stood up and walked to the kitchen.

“Soooooo” he tried to ease the sudden tension sitting at the table, looking at you drinking the coffee. “Yes?” You looked up at him, placing the mug down. “Uh, I don’t know....just wanted to speak to you ya know?” “Nah I don’t” you shook your head and he furrowed his eyebrows at the mean comment, wondering what went wrong, but he knew better to bother you or else you’d go off the chain. “Zendaya wants to see you” Tom smiled, putting his hands in his lap and rubbing them together while he looked away from you. “Really?” You asked.

It was like a child and their independent, self centering father were talking....the silence loud and the father barely even caring...or at least that’s what it looked like. “Yeah, and so does Jacob, haz, Laura and tony” he cheered up, excited to see you happy. “When?” You grinned as he chuckled, “today, we have to go for lunch” he moved his chair closer to you and pressed a kiss on your forehead before holding your hand. “I love you so much, y/n” it wasn’t the first time he said that, but when he did it sent you unplesant chills as the angel and devil on your shoulders agrued.

‘If he were to love you then he would show you off’ ‘y/n no, he might be scared to’ ‘what is there to be so fücking afraid of, listen to me’ ‘stay positive! You both are gonna get there’ ‘you’ve been dating for multiple months, it’s not even fücking dating it’s like a fling at this point, just a longggg fling-‘

You cut them both out and looked at him “I-I” you choked. “Don’t worry you don’t have to say it, I already know you do” he chuckled.

‘What a cocky bitch’ ‘he just said he loves you!’ ‘He’s laughing at you because you can’t say three simple words’ ‘he’s not pressuring you into doing anything, listen to me!’ ‘You’ve been getting negative signs every single months, it’s time to fucking move on’ ‘just give him another chance! He can change!’ ‘He won’t y/n, he wont’

You didn’t know how to stick to, your angel couldn’t fight anymore because the your devil kept pointing out the larger things and storing up the pot, you chose angel this time and decided to give him one more single chance, after that it’s done. You know your worth.

You smiled up at him and put a kiss to his lips thanking him “it’s no problem princess”

After that whole shannanagin you washed the dishes and took another nap on the couch this time, you wanted to watch Disney+. Tommy woke you up and told you to get ready so you did, just something comfy like sweats and an oversized hoodie with some uggs, he wore jeans and a sweatshirt per usual. “You ready?” He asked watching you when you looked up and nodded, he smile and held his hand out for you to take and you put it there.

‘He’s using you!’ ‘He’s being nice!’

You told your conscious to shut up mentally and then poof they left, the ride was silent and playing some random songs that you couldn’t catch while he tapped his fingers on the wheel.

Once you came in the small quiet restaurant you all sat around the table saying hi to each other, tom sat next to you on the right and on the left was the boys while the rest of the girls sat across from you. Food was ordered and you all were chatting “sooo I see that you two are hanging out a whole bunch...what’s goin on?” Zendaya said. You looked at Thomas “no we aren’t together” he laughed “she’s a friend”

That hit so deep. To deep. You only nodded your head and filled your cheeks with air, Tom looked at you with a smile, his eyes happy too. “Yeah just friends!” You agree, “right” he said after, you released the air in your cheeks and bit the side of your lip. “Cool” Zendaya smiled and looked down at her plate.

Everything was normal for everyone else except you, the small people on your shoulders appearing.

‘I told youuuuu’ ‘y/n I never thought that I could agree with him’ your angel pointed to your devil ‘but I do, whatever needs to come it has to’ the devil perked up to the words, standing and walking to your ear before whispering all the things he’s done.

As you mind cakes up your eyes flare and nostrils perk and jitter, “I have to use the bathroom” you looked at Tom and he only shrugged but noticing the look in your eye he could tell somethings wrong. You stood and walked in the bathroom, your hands shook as you sat ontop of the counter, taking time to yourself to try and calm down but that’s all that you could think about. Trying to be respectful as possible.

Tom pretended to walk inside the men’s bathroom but instead came into the woman’s, seeing you stare at your hands. “Y/n?” He tried to be gentle. “What the fuck do you want, Thomas?” You looked up at him. “What-“ “get out” “tell me what’s wrong” he stepped in and the bathroom door closed by it’s self. “what’s wrong? We aren’t dating so what does that matter? Leave me alone” “I’m not leaving you a fücking lone, you need to get your act together so you can sit down with your fucking friends” he said sternly.

“What am I? Your fucking pet? Child? No the fuck I’m not!” You stood, walking over slowly. “I’ve tried my fücking best to ignore it, to suck it up, to hide it, but you fucking enrage me SO MUCH that I can’t help it!” “Shut up y/n your being to loud” “IM BEING TO LOUD? HERE ILL BE MORE FUCKING QUIETER!” You raised your voice louder.

Everyone’s eyebrows furrowed as they could hear your screams.

As you got closer he backed up more. “Y/n please-“ “what thomas? You dont wanna let everyone know what a fucking bitch you are? The fact that you LIE TO EVERYONE about our relationship”

At this point you were so blinded you didnt notice that you were infront of everyone.

“Why do you hide me away?” You genuinely asked, and suddenlyyou were crashed by a sudden rush of anxiety. “is it because i dont look like your past exes?” He was backed up against the table as you stopped right infront him, your eyes started to water as he didnt reply.

“Y/n i-“ zendaya harrison and jacob looked at tom too, it was clear what the problem was and zendaya was getting kinda mad and was waiting for an answer.

“Thomas” you begged and he had nothing, he said.... nothing.

Tears fell down his cheek as he watched you sniffle and rub your nose, grabbing your bag and running out.

Everyone watched him in silence as he leaned back into the table “excuse me” the lady gently said, tom noticed it wasnt his table so he only walked out of the store and waited outside.

He watched as you pulled out of the car but he didnt even feel like trying to make you come back, you do need to have some time to yourself.

“Fuck” he let out, wondering why he didnt say anything nor do anything. Harrison walked outside and sat next to him.

“Why?” He asked and tom looked at him. “I dont know i just felt like- i felt like my fans were gonna hurt her” “but you did” harrison pointed at tom “you didnt even give a chance and she stuck by your side for how long?” Tom told away and as he speaked he noticed how much of a dick he was......is.

You cried in the bed while you had your things out, getting ready to pack them up as you could barely breathe choking ob your sobs.

What did i do wrong? What did i do to deserve this? Should i change?

All these things running through your head and distracting yourself from putting your stuff up.

You ened up crying your ass off, crying it longer then the months that youve both been together, its all that you could think about honestly.

So when he came home you didn’t even notice your head hurt and your eyes stung, cuddling the pillow while your clothes were on the floor.

He hated seeing you like this, it made him cry and something he couldnt suck up, so when he saw you hurt and hearing your weeps it instantly hit him and made him come over and sit on the end of the bed, uncontrollable tears falling down his cheeks while he let out matching sobs.

You sat up and saw him, your eyes drying as they filled with hatred you stood and walked but tom beat you to the door, shutting it and locking it behind you.

You pointed to the door silently asking him to let you out but he shook his head refusing to. You walked up to him and tried to take his hand to pull him out the way but instead he forced his arms around your neck to hug you.

“Get off of me!” You yelled muffled. “No” he simply said, kissing your head as tears continued falling down his cheeks. “Get off- please get off!” You tried pushing him but he wouldnt budge.

“You can hit me, push me, whatever you want but im not letting you go” he gripped tighter speaking into your hair. “Fuck you” you muttered and he replied with a ‘i know’.

You both sat in silence all day and he was still hugging you but you didnt hug back until you calmed down, sobbing into his chest. “Y/n, you’re the one i want, you’re the one i need. So im begging you please... just dont leave me” he whispered starring at wall, his fingers touching your hair and trying to sooth you.

“Im scared your gonna leave me tom” you look up at him with your chin on his chest. He looker back at you “i cant even think of it, darling” he rubbed away your tears “but why-“ “i was scared” “what is there to be so afraid of?” “My fans are terrible... at least the 12 year olds” he chuckled “im scared they wont see the same beauty i see in my eyes, id rather keep you to myself then share you with this cruel world”

He reached down and kissed your forehead. “But youve been doing it for so long and-“ you sighed “i didnt feel like it was that long, you made me feel like-like you took it away. Like i could spend forever with you and it woukd seem like it was just an hour or so”

You gave him a weak smile and he returned it, reaching to meet his lips you did, the kiss salty from the shared tears but no one was complaining, you both laid in the bed and he cuddled right behind you, while you were sleep he took a picture and posted it with the caption ‘couldnt ever ask for anything better, love you y/n’

After that he shut off his phone and returned to your side and pressed a kiss on your neck before falling asleep, safe and sound.

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About Natsumikan: Natsume (pt. 3)

Previously, we started talking about Natsume, how cold he is, and his mannerisms. If you want, you can think of this next segment as the final analysis for this stretch of plot where Natsume is being fully introduced and his behaviors explored. After this one, things will start to get really interesting!

TW for bullying, suicidal ideation, depression, mental illness, and child abuse. Almost all of my essays will be heavily focused on one or all of these themes so if these topics are triggering to you, it might be best to not read.

Chapter Nine

We went crazy analyzing the episode counterpart in the anime, going over the dodgeball game and all of its consequences regarding Natsume’s feelings for Mikan. The manga has just as much to analyze regarding Natsume, but very little of it is as pleasant!

In the manga, Natsume does not start falling for Mikan here. There is no beautiful scene where she confesses this was all done to make him smile. There is no pretend peace for Natsume at the end of the episode where he and Ruka muse about the game.

No, this is worse.

The beginning concept is more or less the same, but with significantly less emphasis on Natsume individually. In fact, Tsubasa tells Mikan Natsume isn’t solely to blame for the chaos in Class B--that they all need a way to let out their feelings and start having fun instead.

Natsume ends up sucked into the game against his will. He does not feel like playing, but he goes along with it when the bet is made--that is, if Mikan loses, she and her team need to be servants forever, but if she wins the other team has to quit their bullying of Substitute-sensei forever. There is no focus on Natsume ditching, or even on Natsume at all. Really Natsume only gets into it when he sees Ruka has been roped into joining Mikan’s team by accident. Natsume despises Mikan and, considering that Ruka has been kidnapped by her before, is not any happier to see him in Mikan’s custody again. He hits her in the head with the ball on purpose, knowing it would be out of bounds, because he wants to hurt her more than he wants to get her out of the game.

From Natsume's perspective, it does seem like she's trying to push his buttons on purpose lmao.

Natsume’s team has way more players, but because they’re afraid to hit Ruka on accident and face Natsume’s wrath, and because they are too crowded on their side, they have some obstacles. Sumire attempts to salvage this through good old fashioned cheating. Whether Natsume is privy to this seems unimportant. He doesn’t care about winning or losing either way, and doesn’t seem like he’s actively bullying the teacher to begin with like the others are. Now he’s just playing against Mikan for stealing Ruka away.

Compared to the anime’s version, the manga’s counterpart might seem anticlimactic, or less fun. But the truth is that the dodgeball game in the manga was never about befriending Natsume. Mikan never considered that because she despises him, maybe the same amount that he hates her. Creating a friendship is the last thing on either of their minds. This chapter is about Mikan finally feeling more at place in Class B as a whole, rather than winning over Natsume.

This chapter carries weight for him on an entirely different level. Natsume might have gotten himself involved with the game, and might have even had a bit of fun, but that was never going to last.

Natsume's life vs. Class B's life. Shadows vs. Shinies!

Natsume goes to get a drink of water after the game, where he encounters Persona, who tells him he has a mission. Right after this, we have a panel of the kids of Class B wondering what they should play next. This is the most obvious visual we will get of the jarring divide between Natsume’s life and that of the rest of Class B. Even Ruka seems to fit in with the other kids, despite trying to align himself more with his best friend. Natsume truly will never be like them, even if he does let himself have fun. He will always have to stop, put away the game, and don his mask for his missions. He can’t be a child like they can; his life is too dark.

In the anime, Persona is hidden in a tree but does not confront Natsume. If anything, he is a mere shadow looming over Natsume, threatening to bring darkness on Natsume’s newfound sunshine. In the manga, Persona’s presence is more potent.

The other children can laugh and play games and the biggest worry they have is what they will play next time. For Natsume, he will never belong with the rest of them, no matter how much they might admire him. Persona is just a reminder that Natsume isn’t like the rest of them.

Chapter Ten

Natsume is in a sour mood from the mission he recently went on, and Iinchou confirms this by saying he’s been grumpy since the dodgeball game. I talked about other reasons he may have been angry in the anime but in the manga it’s indisputable that Persona is the cause.

Thus, he has no qualms telling Mikan how it is: that her grandpa isn’t receiving the letters because they aren’t being sent, and that the teachers can’t be trusted. All of the things Ruka told her before are now coming from the horse’s mouth: this school is a prison. And again he reiterates: he and Mikan are marked, and more than anybody else, they’re treated differently from the rest of the kids. He is, after all, even more isolated from his loved ones than the rest are. On New Years, when everyone gets some letters and cards from loved ones, Natsume is the only one who’s not allowed anything. For him to imagine that there’s a kind-hearted teacher willing to send a letter or two is simply not even worth his time.

Okay but. Like. Nobody asked you, though.

It’s hard to say for sure why Natsume decided to tell Mikan this (other than to plant the seed of doubt in Mikan’s head story-wise). It’s possible that he wanted to help her, but keep in mind that he still hates her at this point. It’s far more likely that he, after a period of missions and consequent depleted health, is not in the mood to tolerate her rose-colored lenses and is much more willing to destroy her idealism and say it like it is, to shut her up.

After all, his threat from the Northern Woods is still relevant: he truly thinks that she will come to regret enrolling at the academy. If nothing else has worked to dampen her spirits, maybe the realization that she has been lied to will do the trick. He's just helping that epiphany along.

Chapter Eleven

The school festival is approaching and Mikan is dead set on making friends with people she wouldn’t normally consider. Naturally, this means trying with Natsume, who burns her hair and tells her to piss off.

Comparing the manga to the anime with this particular chapter is fascinating. In the anime, Natsume has already started liking Mikan. He helps her come up with ideas for her class to do and even encourages her to make up with her senpais when they have an argument. She starts understanding his unique type of kindness and appreciating his presence. It’s a cute episode where they can relate to each other and bond.

In the manga, they still hate each other. Mikan only approaches him because of Narumi’s advice, and because he doesn’t care, Natsume doesn’t mind burning her hair to get her away from him. He is in a sour mood because he can’t participate, made clear when Seaweed-head, Sumire’s brother, makes an appearance. He taunts both Mikan and Natsume for their lame ability classes, particularly the dangerous ability class, because they’re not even allowed to enter the festival. He makes a comment, something along the lines of them being “perfect partners” as a result (exhibit who’s-even-keeping-count-anymore of them being paired off before they even like each other). Natsume burns his hair too and calls him “fried seaweed”, playing off of Mikan’s insult for him.

You can't see his eyes in these panels, and then he walks off, so it's almost easy to fall for the idea that he couldn't care less... but we know better.

Mikan later runs into him again, and this is where there is some consistency. In the anime, they are both clearly outcasts regarding the festival. Everyone expects the worst from the special ability class, and the dangerous ability class isn’t even allowed to enter the competitions. In the manga, the same things are true, and they are both aware of this.

Mikan, shocked at seeing him again, drops all her papers. She’s expecting him to insult her or use his alice again, on account of him being a “hateful person”, but Natsume does no such thing. They’re the only ones who would truly get it, being left out, so Natsume says instead that he doesn’t get what all the hype is about. Such a big fuss over nothing. Pathetic, even. He picks up her papers for her, though he doesn’t have to move much to do so. They stand in silence for a moment.

I mean... he didn't have to pick up her papers for her.

Perhaps his hatred for her is actually cooling. She is struggling through similar things as he is, and there’s room for bonding between them, even if neither of them particularly wants to. Whatever the reason, Natsume is choosing to just talk to her instead of insulting or teasing her here. Moreover, the way he says all this, so transparently, as if he wouldn’t have found the festival interesting even if he could participate, is something she can see through. You can imagine Mochu or Sumire nodding in agreement with his statement, maybe even pretending they thought so too this whole time, rather than connecting the dots as Mikan does. Natsume has a similar viewpoint on many things, things that are “all hype over nothing”, in his opinion, like the festival or even kissing that he actually does want to do.

If Natsume can't participate, then Ruka won't either...

At the end of the chapter, Ruka comes to hang out with Natsume, choosing time with his best friend over meetings about the festival. He knows better than anyone probably how Natsume feels, being left out. Ruka will always choose Natsume over everything else, as he always has done, and keeping him company so he doesn’t feel lonely is an easy thing to sacrifice. It is his way of keeping his promise that he will make sure Natsume doesn't feel alone at the academy.

Chapter Twelve

Yet another chapter where the plots diverge from the anime’s version of events, Chapter Twelve is our trip to Central Town. Just like in the anime, Natsume is Mikan’s one condition to go to Central Town, and he is only convinced by Youichi.

It would have been nice to see the time Natsume and Yo-chan first met, and how Natsume became so close to him since he doesn't seem fond of any other dangerous ability types.

It’s nice knowing that Natsume has people he loves even at the academy, other than Ruka, and things that can make him smile, if even for a brief moment. Youichi looks up to Natsume and Natsume acts like a protective big brother, which is something he’s had past experience with, as revealed in this chapter.

Once in Central Town, Natsume lingers by a jewelry story, where he sees a hair-clip that reminds him of Aoi. It’s something that would suit her, but he can’t get it for her. The reader can see that Natsume is a brother, and that his mystery sister is part of his tragic backstory (oh, to see Aoi animated ;-;). Mikan naturally misunderstands this and then Natsume is absent from the rest of the chapter. It’s almost like he was trying to prove the point that his presence could hardly be felt and wouldn’t make a difference in her trip, something she was distressed about.

Yeah, so Natsume hasn't seen his sister in two years and doesn't know if she's even safe. For people with close sibling relationships, this is like. the definition of hell.

In the anime, Mikan includes him by giving him some howalon, but in the manga no such exchange occurs. He spends this trip mostly on his own, not even with Ruka or Youichi.

I wonder if the hair-clip was upsetting to him to the extent that he wanted the time to himself, or if it was a more general feeling of not being able to fit in anyway so why even bother, similar to the dodgeball chapter. Either way, he stays gone, and that’s fine. We’ll see plenty of him in the chapters to come.

Conclusion

This is the last edition of analyzing Natsume this way, where he has disdain for Mikan while maneuvering her cheerful little antics. In the next edition, we'll see a little of what Natsume's dark secret life looks like, the one that caused him to be like this. We'll also see a monumental shift in the way he views Mikan and then this will start looking a lot more like a ship essay heheheehhehe.

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[aknosde]

Fátima I’ll have you know that I wasn’t actually going to drop all of this but then you told me to and I can’t fucking resist you. This is really long I’m sorry. Percy Jackson tiktok au:

This au is like 99% fluff. The only thing that keeps it from being 100% is that I’m maintaining Percy’s history of child abuse, Annabeth's tenuous relationship with her parents, Leo’s mom’s death, The death of Carter and Sadie’s parents, as well as Hazel’s issues (minus the dying), but these things don’t actually come into play.

As you can deduce above, the characters are Percy, Carter, Sadie, Hazel, Annabeth, and Leo. For the sake of my sanity, they are all sophomores in high school.

Character Histories

Percy and Hazel met when he was five and she was four. Hazel’s mom brought her into Sweet on America while Percy was hanging around Sally. They quickly became inseparable, had playdates most weekends until they could control their own schedules, and at around 8/9 years old they started referring to each other as siblings.

Percy: *standing, having a serious conversation with another child at the park*

Hazel: *climbing him*

Percy: WHy are you doing this? The jungle gym is right over there?

Hazel: *continues to climb him*

Percy: You’re a gremlin *pats her affectionately*

      Annabeth and Leo met when they started middle school. Annabeth’s relationship with her father and stepmother has reached a nice area, not perfect, but good, and she doesn’t really talk with her birth mother. Leo’s mom died when he was in fourth grade, he’s fostered by a middle class family, and goes to private school with Annabeth on an academic scholarship.

Leo: –so the problem is that this formula doesn’t work with the diameter of a cylinder but I need...

Annabeth: speak english please

*fifteen minutes later* Annabeth: I think I’ll put vertical supports her, although triangular would be more stable, but according to the building codes...

Leo: I beg of you,,,

     Cater and Sadie’s history stays much the same, they were raised separately until Julius died, except he died during a cave in on one of his digs, and Ruby died in a construction accident. (She was walking by when the supports failed) They started living with Amos in eighth grade. Yes, Amos still has a baboon, an alligator, and an indoor basketball court.

Carter: And so that’s why Amos named his baboon Kufu.

Sadie: You are literally the most annoying person alive, can I have your fries?

    Carter and Percy met on the subway when they were ten, going to a day camp in the summer while Julius was giving some lectures in the city. They were inseparable for the week, and then didn’t speak to each other for four years.

Hazel’s mom has a few mental illnesses that developed when Hazel was around 10, she’s still present in Hazel’s life, and they live together, but she’s not always all there. Once Gabe is out of the picture Hazel spends a lot of time at the Jacksons’ apartment, enough where she keeps a toothbrush there.

As for Gabe, he remains his normal abusive self. Things come to a climax when Percy is 11/12 after Gabe throws a bottle at him. There’s no reasonable excuse for this, and Sally comes home while Percy’s still crying. Gabe’s dealt with swiftly, but Percy has some scarring on the left side of his face.

Also quick note: in this au Percy is 1/2 black, 1/4 moreno, and 1/4 native american. (Moreno and native from Sally and black from his dad)

Their Accounts

So as in the post that got this all started, Percy’s account is largely Ancient Greek and Roman mythology and history. He also does some stuff for indigenous mythology, but he’s super into the greek and roman stuff. (Insert this meme (it’s the thirteenth one down)) He also does skateboarding and some light gymnastics/parkour/acrobatics.

    Hazel is a gymnast. She’s also just super nice and supportive so she makes those motivational videos, but mostly it’s gym stuff and her and Percy hanging out. She’s not quite as popular but she doesn’t really care. She is also the #1 horse girl, and rates horses. Percy would tease her, but he’s also a horse girl.

    Sadie does comedy. Some if it’s scripted or little skits, but there’s a lot of her just ranting at her camera. Also her life is just weird (*cough* alligator and baboon *cough*) so people just like to see what she’s doing. Also a theatre kid™, sorry, I don’t make the rules.

    Carter gives detailed accounts of every Egyptian myth he thinks is cool (all of them), but he makes more comedic abridged versions too. He’s also known to make videos laying out archeological digs. About a quarter of his videos feature Sadie insulting him in the background.

  Leoooooo! He has a lot of comedy, the first video of his to do well was a situational comedy, he always has a sarcastic comment or a bad joke. Most of his stuff now is for robotics. He’s on the robotics team at his and Annabeth’s school, but he does a lot of stuff on the side just making crazy cool contraptions. He has a series of him going scrounging for parts because he doesn’t exactly have the money for a lot of his stuff. Also skateboards occasionally.

 Annabeth’s account in verging on booktok. Every time she reads a book she reviews it, and if it’s popular she’ll record herself reading it and put the best clips together. She’s still really into architecture, she talks about it often, shows some of her sketches, and has a series where her followers can pick videos in New York and she’ll go and critique them. Also has some lifestyle videos about staying organized, but only for school stuff because otherwise she’s pretty messy.

Prequel Stuff

Carter and Percy reconnect when they start duetting each other’s mythology busting videos. They have two series together, one on parallels between Greek and Egyptian myths (called Percy and Carter’s Mythological Mashup) and another about hellenistic culture, specifically about Egypt during the Ptolemaic Dynasty. (Working title: Colonizers suck,,, but the Aesthetics)

Them getting closer forms a friend group of Percy, Hazel, Sadie, and Carter, and they hang out most weekends. Their parents are all friends now.

Okay, The Actual Thing

I lied, there’s a prologue: everything starts at the very end of freshman year when Percy posts a video of him, Hazel, Carter, and Sadie at central park. (caption yet to be determined). It ends up on Leo’s fyp and his though process goes something like ‘oh, it’s a bunch of pretty people who aren’t white.’ He follows Percy and forgets about it.

 So Leo’s life is going pretty normal, Percy’s videos pop up on his following and for you pages. Nothing really happens until Percy makes a video detailing a type of ancient greek technology (im thinking torsion catapult but its not set in stone). Leo thinks it sounds really cool, so he makes it and duets Percy’s video

From there, their friendship develops. Leo keeps making models and prototypes of ancient tech for some of Percy’s videos, and eventually he starts doing his own research. And in turn, Percy duets Leos videos and talks about the historical significance of certain mechanisms or their origins. By now, they’re mutuals and talk pretty often. 

 Annabeth also follows Percy after one of his videos appears on her fyp, but much later then Leo. In fact, he’s on her page because she follows Leo. She’s with Leo when this happens, and asks him about Percy and checks his profile before following him. He follows her back the next day. 

The first time they interact beyond liking each others videos is when Annabeth takes part in one of those ‘creators are struggling like you’ with her ADHD and dyslexia, which Percy continues from her.

 One day Percy and Leo (quite literally) run into each other, and as they’re mutuals and do text, they decide they might as well hang out in person, thus Leo is indicted into Percy’s friend group.

Leo eventually brings Annabeth along too

And the rest of it would be shorter 4+ panel comics and maybe a few mini arcs. I have specific videos outlined for each of them.

[fluffmonger]

The Pelor Theory

Or, I’ve spent way to much time overanalysing this, but have this anyways.

So, it’s here at last, Caleb’s big arc, or at least the beginnings of it, and oh man am I stoked. Caleb has had these loose ends dangling for a long time now and Liam has continually been dropping little hints as to the Big Secrets, always very cryptic. Now, this might seem a bit out of left field, but given things like the Moon Theory, hey! Might as well go wild yeah?

Imo, one of the biggest loose ends and mysteries we’ve got regarding Caleb right now is his time in Vergesson Sanitorium, and especially who was the woman who healed him? Why did she do so? So… my theory.

Let’s start at the beginning. Why was Caleb even sent to Vergesson? In his words, “I broke a bit.” He claims he doesn’t remember much of his time there, that it's all kind of a blur for him, except for the woman who healed him. (This is important, we’ll come back to it). It's very clear from everything said in 18, and then expanded on in 49 and further about his scars and Trent’s goals that Caleb was abused and heavily traumatised. That alone, on top of the guilt and stress of hearing his parents dying screams would be enough to break a man. 

However, I don’t think it’s as simple as that alone. (continuing under the cut for length)

Trent has placed false memories into the heads of many of his students, brilliant students who from a mechanical standpoint, we can assume have pretty good stats. Beyond that, none of them seem to have realised at the time that their minds were played with magically. Most spells of that nature tend to leave a target aware to a degree if the deviation is too sharp from normal. However, Trent is likely an Enchantment wizard, who specialises in mind fuckery via magical means, using the 14th level feature Alter Memories, which allows an Enchanter to charm people without the noticing or remembering that they were ever charmed (it's utterly terrifying y’all, super abusable). 

A very common and powerful spell, that Matt has absolutely used before, is Feeblemind. We know Lady Briarwood had the spell, and used it in her first appearance. We know she was part of the assembly, once long ago before being kicked out. So it's not improbable that Trent also has access to it, and would make use of it. Feeblemind, in short, reduces a creature's intelligence and charisma scores to 1, and prevents them from casting spells, using magic items or even communicating. It is only possible to try to save against it every 30 days, and vs an Archmage’s spell save, with a modifier that low there's no way to get out of it outside of magical intervention. 

So where does this leave us? 

Caleb broke, after suffering through severe abuse and being manipulated into killing his parents

Caleb, despite having a Keen Mind, cannot remember his time in Vergesson, except in flashes and fuzzy moments

Caleb was very likely subjected to Feeblemind, which he’d only be able to escape via magical means.

Which brings us to the woman. Caleb says that she arrived some years after he broke, and was another patient. She laid her hands on him, and not only was the worst of his mental illness lifted, but his memories were restored to their original state, before Trent altered them. When looking at spells that can remove a Modify Memory and a Feeblemind, the only two that fit the criteria are Wish and Greater Restoration. Wish is a super rare high level spell. It’s unlikely that someone would use it on Caleb, a lost and broken former Volstrucker, even if there's stuff we don't know. If it was a wish spell, that opens up some very intriguing possibilities, however I am not willing to put money on it. However, Greater Restoration is only a 5th level spell. It is available to bards, clerics, druids, certain classes of warlock, and artificers. Of these, I think it's most likely that a cleric is the one who healed Caleb. Why? 

Well….

We know Caleb grew up in Blumenthal. Blumenthal is a small farming town outside of Rexxentrum. Its most notable feature is a giant statue of Pelor, the Dawnfather. Liam has stated outright that Caleb, Astrid, and Eadwulf all “walked in the light of the Dawnfather” as children, in his Narrative Telephone story, which he confirmed to be a metaphor for Caleb’s childhood and school years. We know his father was in the military, a low ranking soldier of some sort, and the Dwenadalian Empire honours Pelor as a God of War, and he’s the patron of the Righteous Brand. We know Trent pushed the idea of “Empire Over All,” Caleb stresses this aspect very hard, but we also know that he doesn't believe in anything anymore, when questioned about his feelings re: his training in ep 49. 

Pelor is a god of light, previously mostly shown as the patron of Whitestone in CR 1, which makes sense given Whitestone was founded by displaced Dwendalians long ago. He hasn't played much role in CR 2 as of yet, however, the final fight with Obann takes place in his cathedral in Rexxentrum. One of his major symbols is that of a burning brand or brazier that takes the place of his head in depictions.

We have every reason to believe that, as a child, Caleb likely worshipped Pelor to some degree. Additionally, his given name, Bren, means “to burn” in german. Liam has said there's a deeper meaning behind it, however. In the artbook, there's a curious diagram that says “Brennan”. It is set up almost the way we see certain spell circles set up, and within are Roman numerals for 8, 13, and 17. 13 is the age Caleb was when he went to Solystryce. 17 is the age at which he killed his parents. 8 would be a likely age for beginning to show magical potential. I'm still not entirely sure what's happening with that, however, Brennen as a name has several potential sources. In old Gaelic, it can be traced to names meaning sorrow or tears or raindrop/drops. In old english it can be traced to a word meaning Burning Hands, which keeps the fire theme and is very interesting indeed.

Back to the point at hand…. Caleb likely has associations in the past with Pelor, though now he doesn't believe in or worship the gods or the Empire (and in the empire, the gods are but an extension of Empire, really) and there is a deep secret behind his name, and there is more he isn't telling us. What reasons does trent have for keeping him locked in Vergesson when he was already broken and useless? Who would go in just to save a broken man? What is Caleb not saying? I posit that Caleb, Bren really, has some deeper connection to Pelor, which he may not be aware of entirely. There is something about Caleb worth saving. Perhaps he was born on an auspicious day, or with a certain connection in place? Whatever it is, he is important enough, that a cleric of Pelor faked madness or revolutionary sentiment long enough to get into Vergesson themselves as a patient, and then used Greater Restoration on Caleb at least once, but possibly twice, and then faked madness as part of their cover. They are most likely not dead and may or may not still be in the asylum. And I absolutely think we’re going to start seeing these connections pop up as we move back into Caleb's arc, and exploration of the depths of Cerberus. 

So tldr, I guess?

Caleb was magically affected by Modify Memory and Feeblemind, and his own mix of neurodivergence and trauma

Caleb was placed in Vergesson after breaking/being controlled in order to be monitored and possibly experimented on to some end of Trent’s

Caleb was later healed by someone who found him, likely using Greater Restoration, which cured him of the magical interference.

This person could have been many classes, but the most common and easiest to see fit into the Empire would be a cleric

This cleric likely served Pelor, and healed Caleb specifically due to Caleb having a connection to Pelor

The nature of this connection is mysterious, but absolutely important, and will play a role in this upcoming arc, if I’m right here.

[dragonagereacts]

If you do follow up requests then I've been thinking on the overpowered inquisitor a bit and I was wondering how romances (if they could happen) would react to the inquisitor opening up to them that they had never wanted their powers? Like, they were brought up in an experiential facility and were its 1 success before they ran or smthn, like Ace from Batman, their powers coming at the cost of a normal life and childhood or that they fear they'll give into temptation. I've had feelings about it.

Blackwall: He listens to his love as she confides in him, bearing her all to him as she tells him of what she has gone through. He feels anger at the injustice she faced, anger at the fact that she never wanted any of this, anger that on top of what she had gone through she was forced into this role. Blackwall holds her, whispering to her as he holds her close to his chest. He assures her that she won’t give into temptation, that he won’t let her forget herself. They lay together and he comforts her to the best of his ability. In the back of his mind he cannot help but feel like a hypocrite as he tells her that her past does not define who she is now, since he won’t accept his own past. As they talk, Blackwall is constantly reassuring her that she is a good person, that she can do good with the powers she has. After their moment Blackwall is always the first to defend her when someone throws around insults or speculations about her powers and past. He will not tolerate anyone talking about her in that manner, especially by those who do not know her. Every chance Blackwall gets he reminds her and shows her that he loves her and will stand by her side through it all, no matter what her past was like. He did not fall for her past, he fell for her and nothing will change that.

Cassandra: Cassandra’s fists are balled tightly on her lap as she listens to the man she loves tell her about his past. How could someone-no something do that to a child? How could they take away his freedom and chance at a proper life? Her heart breaks at the shame and fear she sees crossing her lovers face as he speaks to her. Seeing that look on his face sparks a burning fire in her heart. Cassandra is to her feet fists raised slightly as she goes off on a tangent about how if she finds whoever did this to him she would make them pay, that they better pray to The Maker for mercy because she will surely show them none. She only calms when she feels his steady hands on hers, bringing her back to the moment. Once she calms slightly, she looks him in the eyes and tells him that nothing about what he has told her will change the fact that she loves him and that he is the Inquisitor. Yes, she is appalled and uneasy about what was done to him and that it was possible to alter someone that way, but that did not change her feelings. Like Blackwall, Cassandra is defensive of the Inquisitor, only she has mastered a deadly glare that silences anyone who even thinks about talking about the Inquisitor in an ill-intentioned manner. When the couple shares their quiet moments, Cassandra tries her best to be romantic and reassuring, but words were never her strongest skills. She only hopes that her actions speak volumes louder than her fumbled words.

Dorian: Dorian feels his heart begin to crack, looking at his amatus shaking and terrified. He can see it in his love’s eyes, Dorian can see the fear; the fear that he won’t be accepted. Dorian kisses his love, their lips crashing into one another’s, it was tender at first but turned to hunger. When he pulls away Dorian looks deep into the eyes of his love and he tells him that there is nothing in this world that would ever make him stop loving him. He watches the tears as they fall from his loves eyes, pain and sorrow gripping his heart. Anger soon followed. Anger that someone dared to make his love fear himself so much, fear that no one would accept him. Anger that someone would dare to do this to someone. The last thought does not come as a surprise to him, he knows all too well that people in this world can be cruel. But he knew, he knew that he could be one less cruelty to his love. They lay in the inquisitor’s bed, holding one another close never wanting to let go. Dorian makes a mental note to speak with the Spymaster, to ask her to find anyone who could have been a part of the experimentation. He wanted a word with them. A word and perhaps a few fireballs, a dash of lightning, and a hint of necromancy to drive the point home. He would never allow another soul to hurt the love of his life, not while he still drew breath. Maker will it, not even his last dying breath would stop him from protecting his amatus.

The Iron Bull: The Iron Bull understands what his kadan has gone through. Not entirely, no. But he can understand the gist of it. After all, being raised in the Qun you don’t get the option to choose. You cannot choose who you are, you are assigned it and anything that deviates from that is wrong. The Qun would hate his kadan, but they would hate those who did this to them even more so. But that is beside the point, right now his kadan is hurt. Their strong facade has cracked and sitting in front of him, Bull sees someone who has been broken time and time again. He sits with them, gently rubbing their back to remind them that they are not alone. Unlike other companions, Bull appears calm. His anger expertly hidden, but as his kadan talks of the horrible things that have happened, of the childhood, they loathed to call childhood, and the scars, Maker the scars run so deep, he feels his composure crack. The scars, both physical and mental, are etched deep into the very core of them and Bull can see them. He knows them. So when he feels his composure crack, he lets himself be angry. He lets himself feel rage against the people who did this. Who caused this. It was one thing to be strong, to strive for the utmost amount of strength, but that should never come at a cost this high. Bull holds his kadan through the night, listening to them pour their heart out to him. His heart aches and he makes a mental note (much the same as Dorian) to speak with Red to see if she has any leads on who these people could be. The Chargers have a new target after all.

Sera: All of Skyhold can hear Sera’s colorful vocabulary as the woman she loves tells her all the terrible shite that has happened. Yeah, Sera didn’t have that great of a childhood, but Andraste’s tits! Her honey tongue deserved the world, not this shite hand the Maker decided to pass out. Words of comfort were most definitely not Sera’s forte, but pranks were. Pranks helped everything, yeah? So why wouldn’t they help the woman she loved? Sera would listen to the Inquisitor, listen to her talk about what happened and she would get angry. After the Inquisitor had told Sera everything about her past, Sera watched as her honey tongue sat with fear in her eyes. She could recognize fear, she had seen it in her own eyes and in the eyes of some of her fellow Red Jennies. But seeing that fear in the Inquisitor’s eyes made her blood run cold. Grabbing the Inquisitor’s hand, possibly a little rougher than she had intended, Sera pulls her love from her room and down to the tavern below. She tells the Inquisitor that right here, right now she is nobody but herself. She isn’t the Inquisitor, she isn’t the only successful experiment, no right now she is who she wants to be. And Sera was going to do anything to keep her happy. Sure, she still needed to be the Inquisitor for a bit longer since Coryphe-shite was still roaming around, but after that, she was free to be whoever she wanted. Sera and the Inquisitor ran around Skyhold, pranking the soldiers, cheering up some kids with a few pie throws, and finally cuddling up on Sera’s balcony looking up at the stars. The Inquisitor fell asleep, her head on Sera’s lap, and Sera looked at her and felt her anger return. Angry that someone would dare to hurt her. That night Sera made an oath, a promise to the Maker or whoever was listening that she would protect her honey tongue. No matter what.

Solas: The anger Solas felt seeing his love hunched over, arms wrapped around herself desperately trying to remain strong while she tells him what she has been through, that anger felt as if it was strong enough to tear down the veil around him. The pain set in next, a sorrowful aching in his chest that brought up terrible memories. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to his chest as he softly whispered to her. He understood all too well the feeling of uncertainty and fear of falling into temptation, of falling when you were so close to success. Taking his vhenan’s face in his hands he would tell her that her past does not define her, that she is more than what they had done to her and that she will be so much more in the years to come. This declaration, it rings bitterly in his own ears, but for the moment he shoves that deep inside - ignoring the pain and only focusing on what matters now. Her. Once she had calmed and Solas was certain she would be alright, they say that the apostate was absent from Skyhold for an uncharacteristically long time. When he returned he would not reveal his whereabouts and when questioned by his vhenan, he only offered her a sad but gentle smile and tender kiss before going back to his study. Once again dodging the question.

Romanced Advisors:

Cullen: Cullen stares at her for a moment. The words lost to him, nothing comes to mind. Maker. He had never been good with words, let alone when his anger was flaring up inside. His silence was alarming to the Inquisitor and before Cullen could muster any words he watched as her tears fell. Cullen wrapped his arms tightly around her shaking frame as he pulled her close to his chest, smoothing her hair and letting her cry. As her tears dried up and only her sniffles remained Cullen spoke. He expressed his anger at what those bastards had done. How dare they? What gave them the right to rip someone’s childhood from them? The last thought stung at his mind as he realized he and the other templars had done just that. The thought was quickly pushed aside as he focused back on his love. He asks her if she had ever thought of tracking them down, to put an end to whatever they wanted to do, to make sure they never did it again. If the Inquisitor says that she has, then soon after their discussion Cullen has a new mission at the war table. One for only him to complete, alongside the Inquisitor. Cullen would let the Inquisitor vent, allowing her to get everything off of her chest. He may be questionable with words of comfort but he was always a ready listener.

Josephine: It was a rare sight to see the Lady Ambassador angry. Yes, she has been angry before, but those times were always controlled and quiet. This time she was the very definition of fury. Her eyes burning brightly as she stumbled across her words. With tender, shaking hands, Joesphine cups the face of her love as she looks into their eyes. She tells them that what they have shared does not change anything, that the Inquisitor is still the person that she loves and that she is honored that they shared this with her. Under normal circumstances, Josephine would tell a non-romanced Inquisitor that they should be careful with who knows this information and that it could harm their reputation and give their enemies leverage that they don’t need. But for a romanced Inquisitor? Josephine, along with Leliana’s help, silences anyone who tries to talk poorly about the Inquisitor if word gets out. Josephine also spends countless evenings at her desk working tirelessly to find out who these people are. When she figures it all out, she ruins them. They are nothing after Josephine gets her hands on them. They wish they were dead. The most important thing to Josephine is her love. She would go to the ends of the earth for them because she knows they would do the same for her. The night they told her of their past, Josephine was angry at the culprits, but she was also sad for her love. Her hands were warm and gentle as she held her love. She comforted them through the night and rescheduled all meetings until she knew they were going to be able to handle the stress once more.

Thank you very much for sending in this request! I had a lot of fun writing it and I hope you all enjoy it!-Mod Griffin

[donnerpartyofone]

what makes people who crave social activity say that they are introverts? as far as i can tell, from personal experience, there are three main types of self-declared introverts:

1. people who genuinely prefer solitude on its own virtues (peace, quiet, time to think, freedom to choose one’s activities); or lacking that, very limited, curated, intimate types of socializing. even pleasant social experiences are tiring and have to be dosed out. public recognition can nice (though not always), but it is not a priority. feelings of “loneliness” are rarer than they are for most, and tend to be limited to wanting certain types of company, and/or only with select individuals. (e.g. ME)

2. people who are shy and anxious about the approval of others. socializing is not undesirable in and of itself, but appears challenging due to a sense of competition. when they say they prefer to be alone, they really mean that isolation is less unpleasantly pressurized than a social situation in which one has to compete for attention, and worry about whether they are “winning” or “losing” with/compared to others. while they prefer solitude to a social situation that they find challenging or even insulting on some level, they would almost always prefer to be at the center of a gathering in which they are the belle of the ball, if such were possible. feelings of loneliness are oppressive, and often attributed to others’ failure to respect or recognize their positive qualities. (e.g. my ex, who would fume for hours if even a small child or pet didn’t greet him at the door of a party with an approving look or gesture. i think there’s also a lot of these on tumblr; see below)

3. extreme extraverts for whom all realities will always fall short of their vision of social perfection. they may experience social anxiety, but it has more to do with being unable to see everyone they want and do everything they want, and to have all their friends be friends with each other, at the greatest party in the world; their anxiety is not related to any kind of real aversion. however, they sometimes misidentify their anxious, naggingly dissatisfied feelings as introversion. for a useful comparison, i often think of the most belligerent person ever to grace my extended social sphere, a person who made herself into a living caricature by being so consistently and explosively combative. one night i was talking to her about my being non-confrontational--a quality that i consider a fault of mine--and she replied, “dude, I KNOW, i am like THE MOST NON-CONFRONTATIONAL PERSON EVER, i am SUCH A PUSSY, i’m just SO SCARED OF FIGHTS.” it became obvious to me that for this individual, who instinctively seeks and finds a fight in every room, her scale of what constitutes a confrontation is way off the charts for any normal person; for her, anything short of nuclear holocaust is the same as passivity, so therefore, she considers herself a relatively conflict-avoidant person. (i have somehow met scores of these abrasively extraverted people who swear up and down that they’re introverts, and my only explanation is that socializing whips them into such a frenzy that they sometimes experience it as painful, even though they are incapable of being alone)

i know i’m acting competitive by even breaking this down, which is one of my less-good qualities. there’s something about mental illness (no, introversion is not a mental illness, but it is treated like an aberration in casual life, so i’m going from there) that can make people very competitive. i know a comics artist who does great autobio work, but who refuses to include her experiences with eating disorders; she says it’s because hearing the details of someone else’s ED often triggers other sufferers to either launch into competition--quantifying how much more profoundly they have suffered--or lapse into the despair of feeling like they “don’t have a real problem” if they haven’t suffered as much as someone else. in my experience, this is true of many psychological and emotional ailments, including depression and anxiety, and on a similar level i sometimes find myself guilty of judging people who make claims of introversion, while simultaneously making it obvious that they’re just anxious about their ability to get the kind of attention they think they need. i’ll have to figure out what my problem is, that i react this way, that i apparently think it’s so important to be a pure introvert who genuinely takes more pleasure in solitude than in anything else. i guess that will be a topic for my next shrink.

but there’s one more thing i need to add to this: that in certain environments--like tumblr, for instance--there is a tacit belief that being introverted is equivalent to being really deep and intelligent. a lot of people who consider themselves bright and thoughtful might feel pressure to also affect an introverted disposition, or to just claim that they have one, if no one else observes it about them. (see also: the pseudo-humble declaration of “i am such a NERD lol” from people who are absolutely not nerds, but who have detected the paradigm shift by which nerdiness is seen as special and unique) the delusional but popular sense that you can’t be extraverted, and have a rich inner life at the same time, is probably pretty oppressive for many people. sometimes i think about filmmakers i love, whose work i relate to intensely in my introspective and self-isolating way, but who i know must have great social facility in order to make something as complicated as a movie. i’m aware that my lack of desire to connect with people really limits what i can do in the world, or even what i can make. i expect i’ll keep trying to expand my horizons as i get older, especially if i want to really “do something with my life,” which is not at all mandatory but still an option. maybe some day i will find out what life really has in store for me, when i reach enlightenment by getting over my pressing need to declare 90% of the lonely desperate jealous attention-seeking “introverts” of tumblr to be just a bunch of fake-ass bitches.

[chikkou]

I'd ask this on your Lisa sideblog but you don't have anon on and I'm shy lol, but do you have any headcanons relating to Lisa the First? Like Lisa's views on religion, her relationship with her mother, if any of the various worlds we see mean anything?

hoh man i didnt even know anon wasnt on LMAO... ill turn it on after i post this!

also fuck YEAH i do holy shit i fucking LOVE lisa the first!! i know its sort of the black sheep of the lisa series, since it is a completely different type of game and was clearly austins first game, but i fucking ADORE it dude. the music - which he made ENTIRELY IN THE FREE TRIAL OF FL STUDIO BY THE WAY - is FANTASTIC, the art direction is actually pretty fucking incredible for an rpgmaker game that uses a good deal of basic assets, and the gameplay.... ok yeah that part is a bit lacking but its a yume nikki-style game be nice it was his first time LMAO

ANYWAY back to ur question. first and foremost, i think this is not even a headcanon so much as straight up canon, but lisa DESPISES christianity. marty is christian, probably catholic given the golden crosses everywhere, and he is a fucking scumbag hypocrite. lisa likely associates all of christianity with this line of thinking, as there is one room in the bile area where the melted martys (although i suppose we can just call them joy mutants now LMAO) simply stand in a circle surrounding one big cross. the role of the melted martys is up for interpretation of course, as is everything, but after playing the painful and seeing them described as “mindless sheep,” i think this is how lisa viewed them. so they likely represent other people that, to lisa, are probably just as sick and disgusting as marty

lisas relationship with her mother... i go back and forth on this one a lot. i can never decide if i prefer the headcanon that lisas mom died in childbirth, and so lisa never met her, or if i prefer that lisas mom was around for a very short time and then either left or died. the fact that she says “i didnt want to leave” at the end of the first leads me to believe that she most likely died. in either case, the memory of her mother was clearly important to lisa, as she wears her pendant through the entire game and its explicitly noted as being a gift from her. in either case, i think that the death/absence of the mother is heavily implied to be the primary cause behind martys descent into alcoholism and lisas abuse, since the white room strongly implies that marty did at one time sincerely love and care for her as a father properly should 

as for the meaning of each of the rooms, i think most of them are fairly self explanatory, but some of them are a bit more vague, so ill break it down in terms of how i see it (and ill put them under the cut because its long as hell):

martys house - this is the most literal one. pretty self-explanatory. the dark, yet vibrant colors and the ear-bleedingly loud tv are pure sensory overload, something lisa probably deals with on a regular basis. when lisa goes outside and it turns into a sky of marty faces, i think this is the transition into the psychological part of the game

the lobby - this is honestly just pure yume nikki ripoff LMAO... but if i had to ascribe a symbolic meaning to it, i think its probably a quiet and safe area for lisa to retreat to in her mind when she needs it, but even that eventually gets sullied as tricky rick makes his way there, too (and tells her hes “just waiting” when she talks to him). the majority of gameplay is lisa searching for items with which to kill tricky rick, who always abuses and disparages her whenever she talks to him, telling her she’ll never forget. as for the reason why... well, take one look at him and its pretty clear whats going on there. (the name is also a reference to richard nixon, whose nickname was... well, you can figure it out!)

the town - the bar area is 100% my favorite from this world; lisa clearly hates alcohol and anyone who drinks it, associating them all with marty, and that music... all i can say is YUCK. the entire section also consists of lisa having to give up something in exchange for what she needs to move on, and usually getting the raw end of the deal out of it (she gives one marty a banana, he gives her a banana peel in return). she does all that while avoiding a marty following her outside who repeatedly tells her “you cant escape,” and upon reaching tricky rick (who is atop a narrow, columnar, PINK mountain), it becomes pretty clear whats happening to her. 

the sea room - fucking marty spiders man. im assuming they represent the sickly feeling of crawling skin she gets when she looks at him or is anywhere near him, but holy GOD they are annoying to deal with. she kills tricky rick with pills here - we dont know what kind of pills these are, but i interpret them as sleeping pills, and given the rumbling music and the rapid cycling marty background, i wonder if he forced her to take these. marty is everywhere here, but the only one she can speak to is seen chilling on a raft of some kind. marty likely spent much of his time recreationally, i.e. drinking, so it makes sense why this would be here

the rope room - theres no symbolism here this is just pure comedy (LMAO). if i HAD to assign some meaning to this area, it would be that lisa likely is so despondent at this point that putting in effort to do anything feels utterly pointless, much like climbing this long-ass rope was

the white room - as i mentioned earlier, i personally believe that this area depicts the previous relationship between marty and lisa (and also has one of my favorite songs in the game). he is shown doing traditional fatherly things - he is no longer wearing sunglasses and is wearing a suit, meaning he was likely employed, and is actually smiling. he also spends time with her in a completely platonic, familial way. when she interacts with him, there is a little heart over his head. after lisa walks through the golden statues (which will reappear later), the entire world becomes filled with bile, and martys appearance returns to that of the other martys, but with an extremely warped, grotesque face. the item she needs in this area to kill tricky rick is found between two golden crosses.

notice that all of the items she kills tricky rick with - a razor, pills, and now a plastic bag - are things that a child could plausibly get their hands on; none of them are explicitly weapons. i think this shows both her age and how often she must have considered using those things against him. 

the bile room - probably my favorite area in the game, and also features what i consider the quintessential lisa song. this area really drives home lisas disgust with marty and with christianity as a whole - it almost certainly has the highest concentration of crosses, and it is also quite literally covered in wall-to-wall bile, dirty water, and disgusting houses. a lot of the most graphic sights, like the melting martys and the pond martys (no idea what to call them LMAO) are here, so i think this is pretty much the lowest circle of hell for lisa. marty gives lisa a freshly cut finger in exchange for a napkin here; im not necessarily sure what that represents, but i think the napkin was used by marty to masturbate (as he says “i needed that” after he takes it), so perhaps the finger is martys?

lisa kills tricky rick here in a cave that is not-so-subtly shaped like a penis, and gets a vhs tape in which he pretty explicitly states what is going on in the game; he even pretends like he doesnt know who lisa is at first, which somehow makes it even more disgusting. the fact that vhs tapes play a role here sort of makes me wonder if marty really WAS filming some of what he was doing, and given that lisa the joyful confirms that brad was forced to somehow participate in lisas abuse, that is.... horrific to think about, honestly

the marty tape - this tape just has the player (as marty) walk up to lisa and suited marty, who are having a tea party with a plastic tea set. they both get hearts over their heads if you talk to them. i think this drives home that he and lisa did once have a normal relationship, and perhaps theres some part of marty who misses that? theres a LOT of ways you can interpret this; having the player become marty really calls a lot into question.

the mansion - the room leading here has a marty staring directly at the player who informs lisa that she needs a sword to progress. unsubtly, the sword must be placed into the crotch of a womans statue. the mansion inside is beautiful and ornate, and easily the most gorgeous area in the game - and it all leads to what appears to be a proto-joy mutant marty, sort of looking like jabba the hutt. i dont doubt that this is intentional, given that jabba the hutt is associated with slave leia, and its not at all a far leap to call lisa martys slave. the golden statues of women, as well as many golden crosses, are everywhere in this area. its actually quite a large space with a lot of thought put into it, so im really upset that i cant figure out more of what it represents LMAO

the final area - lisa seems to go back to her actual house, but upon leaving her room and entering whether the living room would be, the whole area changes. she encounters herself in a blood red room, but when she talks to the other lisa, she turns into marty. i think this represents a clear question - who is lisa without him? IS she anyone? or is she just a vessel for him to do with what he pleases? she encounters a naked marty telling her to give up shortly after, and flees from him, but is followed by voices repeatedly telling her that she must accept her fate. i think this clearly show the mental state of lisas last days. she was tormented, eternally. she truly felt there was no escape from marty. even the background becomes nothing but martys face, over and over again, as the end screen flashes.

at the end text, she finds a video tape, and in the tape sees someone who is ostensibly her mother from behind. she apologizes for not being there for her, but when that figure turns out, its martys face that she sees. the sky turns into marty. the music becomes corrupted and overrun with pretty fucked up laughter. she tries to run, but marty is already everywhere. theres nowhere for her to run. and then the game is over.

note that the video tape comes AFTER the games end screen, which stops not long after the appearance of the naked marty. so i personally believe that the “game over” represents her deciding to take her own life, rather than just give up and accept her fate. by running from him into the blackness, she got away from marty the only way she could have. it is sad and horrible, but that is honestly the best ending that she could have gotten in this game.

the first is definitely not as good as the painful in terms of gameplay, that much i can agree on, but i really think people miss out on a lot by not playing it. i think its really crucial to see lisas life from her own perspective before you can see it from brads - after all, brad may have known more than anyone else about what was going on, but he did not experience it like lisa did. for brad, lisa is a symbol of his own regrets and failures, but lisa was a PERSON (well, in-universe anyway LMAO). she suffered on her own, with pretty much no one to help her, and then she suffered so much that she couldnt take another second of it. 

[cherry3point14]

Stranger Than Fanfiction: Ch 5

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Dean x Reader   Warnings: Lusting. Tumblr Meta. Word count: 2,400.   Chapter Summary: What’s worse: reading fanfiction about two men you just met, or a narrator who wants to push you into one of their arms? A/N: lol tumblr. You guys should let me know who wants to be in this thing. I kid, I kid... OR DO I?

Ao3 if you prefer

Y/N pushed forward onto her elbows and pressed her fingers into her temples. Outwardly it might look like an attempt to relax but she was actually attempting to massage away the oncoming headache. It had been a tiresome, stressful day that had exhausted her long before Sam and Dean Winchester had arrived. Up until then, her biggest concern had been catching up on her mounting work, something that was now trivial in comparison to the monster roaming her neighborhood.

Her disorientation was not aided by the Winchesters themselves. Or Dean. He was a problem, a curse, and a mystery in one flannel-clad package. Y/N wanted to strangle him, mostly. He’d sauntered into her domain and attempted to take the lead where he hadn’t been invited. He was short-tempered and disrespectful. Yet when she considered what it might be like to wrap her fingers around his throat and finally silence him—a fantasy she wouldn’t have been prone to normally —her mind wandered of its own accord. No, she didn’t usually indulge in flights of fancy, which is why she read so extensively, that is until Dean drifted into her life. Now what would begin as a simple imaginary tirade towards the man, morphed into her nails carding through his hair while she brought her lips to his. His lips that were suddenly so fascinating…

“Erm, Y/N?” Sam interrupts you, well her, causing you to slump into your hands where you’re still leaning on your desk. You could only hope that the way you’re staring at nothing doesn’t appear quite as wistful as it feels.

Your narrator had started this absurd new direction in her story shortly after you’d accepted the men in front of you to be Sam and Dean Winchester. She’s been filling your head with these seemingly endless paragraphs about Dean. Bubbling new emotions and how you notice each of his seemingly perfect features for the first time. So, while you're trying to have a conversation with the two men, you simultaneously have to listen to her pining after Dean on your behalf. And then there's the way your body reacts to everything the voice is saying. You’re not sure if you’re lusting after Dean or if the voice is, either way, you find yourself licking your lips in anticipation or trying to suppress a shiver in your warm office.

It’s exhausting.

“Sorry, you were- I mean you’re telling me that because the first victim's murderer has an alibi, you came to check it out and linked four deaths because they all had life insurance policies?” You pause, unsure, “no offense but that doesn’t sound very, uh, weird. I mean- I have life insurance.”

Dean rolls his eyes, “of course you do, you work at a damn insurance company.”

You’d actually been asking Sam but it’s so easy to fall into the trap of arguing with Dean since it’s been happening for the last thirty minutes now. “Life insurance is very common, you know, maybe you should consider getting some.”

The problem is whenever you do decide to engage with Dean, your benevolent narrator takes the opportunity to inform you of something else attractive about him. Thus neutralizing your annoyed reaction.

She couldn’t help it. Though she fought and struggled to control herself she found herself looping through the same motions again. Warmth bloomed over her chest to accompany the spark of aggression. Her tongue fired off a response like a bullet leaving a gun. As she hit her intended target, marked by Dean’s creased brow or the clench of his jaw, she’d experience a pleasant moment of weightlessness as a small, relieved sigh would leave her body. This petty behavior would be uncharacteristic for her if this were a regular acquaintance whom she simply disliked. He was not any other offender. Dean was both her tormentor and tormented, not just because of the way his tongue peeked out over his bottom lip for a teasing second.

Sam clears his throat, again, “we found the insurance connection after we figured out what it is. The first case, the murder victim? We saw the shifter on video before they-”

You brighten up, interrupting, remembering the fact from your reading, and happy to have no internal monologue. “Oh, the eye thing? Like the shifter who pretended to be Dean in the books?”

“It wasn’t only in the books… how many times, that happened!”

Dean has been getting more and more agitated by your slow realization that everything you’d read was real. Sam, in trying to explain why they needed the information about the claim beneficiaries, has been worlds apart more understanding.

“Right, of course. Don’t worry this isn’t weird for me or anything.” You cross your arms over your chest like you can block out Dean’s negativity with the action. Or stop the flush on your skin from continuing up your neck.

Sam scrunches his face as he gets to the end of even his patience, although you’re not sure whether it’s you or Dean.

“Yeah, the um-eye thing. Anyway, we found three other unsolved cases except these weren’t as big news because no one was arrested for them. But all died the same way, all had sizable insurance policies with First National, and all the spouses practically went into hiding after the claim was paid.”

“Right. And you think Maggie Hall is a shifter who killed her own husband?”

Sam nods, “something like that.”

“Ok, ok. What can I do to help?” You’re not ok with monsters or guns, or all the crime. Although little data protection infraction seems in your wheelhouse. “Do you have the names? I could get you all the information.”

Dean barks a laugh from the chair he’s sunk into, crossing his own arms at some point.

His broad shoulders are slung low, his head bouncing against the back of the chair. She’d be forgiven for thinking that he’s a teenager asleep in class for the way he’s sitting and the lack of interest he has in talking to her. Except he’s not treating her like the dull teacher, quite the opposite. She’s offering to break the rules and so he’s treating her like a child trying to stay up past bedtime. He infuriates her as much as he makes her want to prove him wrong. She thinks she could do it too, given enough time, she could prove everything he’s said wrong and then perhaps he’d show her a modicum of respect.

You’re reminded then of your own strange circumstances. Where you’d had a comment waiting for Dean’s apathetic laugh you stop and consider for the first time if you should tell someone. Them even. Not screaming at Laura to ask if she heard it too, but honestly tell someone. If you’re committing to believing the Winchesters exist does it make sense that they would be the only people to actually believe you?

“And you’re sure that it’s a shapeshifter?” You don’t look up to see their faces, hoping it’ll make this easier.

Dean doesn’t notice the soft change in your voice at first. “ Just because you’ve read a few books and think you know a few things…”

Sam waves a hand in Dean’s face to shut him up, making you wonder where that trick has been for the last forty-five minutes. “What makes you ask that?”

You bring your eyes to theirs now, flicking between them. Both of them are wearing those intense stares, boring into you again, softer now. Something tells you that you could take twenty minutes to gather your courage and they’d still wait.

Sam is looking at you kindly and Dean, for the first time since you’ve seen him, is patient.

You know that lightning isn’t supposed to strike twice but it feels like maybe you have been hit with two realizations at once. Firstly, you couldn’t tell them. As absurd as the voice is it somehow seems too weird even for them. They are hunting an actual monster and you are struggling with possible mental illness. If they didn't cart you off to a head doctor at the very least they'd think you're crazy.

Secondly, and it pains you to prove your narrator correct, but Dean really does have a rugged yet boyish charm when he’s not scowling at you.

Not that it matters if you play along with the voice and her desires for you to fall for Dean. Because you’re going to help them find this shifter and they’ll do what the Winchesters do in every Supernatural book you’d poured over. They’ll get into their car and leave.

“It’s nothing. I’m was thinking-it’s fine. We should get going before security wonders why I’m still here.” You stand up ready to go digging through the filing cabinets. “I guess you need to look at those files now?”

It’s Thursday. A regular and normal Thursday. Nothing out of the ordinary. You hadn’t spent the night before re-reading Skin because shifters are real and there is one stalking your companies’ clients. And you’re definitely ignoring the notification icon on the Tumblr app.

Sure, before you’d met them maybe you’d read one or two, or twenty unpublished short stories written by independent writers. The books had ended and you’d had nothing new to read. You’d already known the fan-created content was out there because you’d glanced at it when you downloaded the books. It had been so easy to retrace your steps.

But knowing what you knew now, knowing that the Winchesters were real, you certainly couldn’t go around reading fanfiction anymore.

Definitely not.

Which is why it’s Thursday morning and you’re at your desk. Jittery from another late night, on edge because what if they are killing the shifter right now and curious as to where the voice has gone. Again. Adding the Tumblr notification on top of that pile was like throwing lighter fluid onto a burning building. Not really going to make things worse in the grand scheme of things, still probably frowned upon.

The notification only bothers you as much as it does because it’s something that should be manageable. Unlike everything else, you can deal with this little red badge.

“Y/N, I brought you a coffee!”

As you search for the source of the voice you see Laura coming across the office with two cups in her hands from the coffee shop down the street.

“Coffee?” You cock your head at her.

Laura makes it to your desk and sets down the brown to go cup directly on top of the paper on your desk as if trying to force you to engage with it before continuing to work. “You seemed a little tired this morning. Thought you could use a pick me up.”

It’s nice of her to have noticed. It’s even nicer that she didn’t tell you to your face this morning since you’d have been annoyed by the comment first thing. The strange thing is that she’s brought you coffee of all drinks. The cozy little coffee shop is where you lunch together when you both decide to treat yourselves and, as at home, you drink tea.

Still, it's the thought that counts. “Thanks, that’s nice of you. My treat next time.”

If she catches the confusion still lingering in your tone then she ignores it, electing to wink at you, unaware. “Don’t be silly. Anything for you.”

Today wouldn’t be the first time that Laura’s perkiness had continued throughout the day so you write off the weirdness and let her walk away. Now would be an excellent time to pick up your phone. You're going to drink the coffee in front of you out of politeness anyway, why not take a break at the same time? You pick up the cup first to signify the start of your coffee break. Unfortunately with actual coffee. Laura did at least add cream so it's slightly more palatable.

Flicking at your screen you open your emails first under the pretense of checking all your notifications at once. There aren't many since you checked at breakfast. Then your Facebook because surely someone in your life has done something horrific enough that they want to share it with you. Nothing except your cousin's pregnancy announcement, which you mom had told you about days ago. Finally, you can't avoid it, the Tumblr app calls for you and click it. The notification was for a message and it's a reply to one you sent.

It's important to note that you'd sent the message before you met Sam and Dean.

Although since this conversation has been started already there's no harm in messaging back. It would be rude not to. You'd only wanted to tell someone that you enjoyed their story, and they messaged back thanking you for your feedback. It was perfectly innocent. It's not like you were choosing to read more stories. And you weren't going out of your way to find the Dean ones.

Hey, thanks for getting back to me. I only read the books last week and I loved your story. Great characterization. Looking forward to reading some more!

It does feel like a cheap shot since the Winchesters are not characters anymore, they're people. Although it's not like they'd find out.

You click send on your reply at the same time as you take another sip of your free coffee and wince. Laura is safely back out of sight at reception now so hopefully you will get away with it without offending her.

The notification is gone. That's one less itch to scratch. Only the remaining laundry list of problems in your life to deal with now.

Starting with the email from Mark that pops up in the corner of your computer screen, asking you if you'd cleared Maggie Halls' file yet.

Continue to Chapter 6.

5eva tags: @divadinag @darthdeziewok @fluentinfiction @witch-of-letters @supernatural-teamfreewillpage @magnitude101999 @alexwinchester23   Dean babes: @thewinchesterchronicles @akshi8278​ @bloodydaydreamer StrangerThanFiction tags: @jaylarkson @starsandmidnightblue​

[toomanyf4ndoms7]

0lympus file Subject 10: The Master

BASICS

What’s their full name? Heath Jackson.

What does their name mean? He doesn’t know.

Do they have any nicknames? Dad, Father, My love, boss, False God.

How old are they? 36

When’s their birthday? 2014 7th of December.

What’s their species/subspecies? Human.

Do they have any special/magical abilities? Sorcery in many fields but refused to learn mind control as it goes against everything he believes.

 If none, what weapon do they favor? Rapier.

APPEARANCE

What do they look like? A man with red hair and brown eyes. Normally in a suit of some kind but can trade it out. Normally wears gloves with the symbol of an eye.

Do they have a face claim? No.

What’s their style like? Respectable.

Clothes, hair, makeup? A black suit with red accents, brown hair and no makeup unless necessary.

How do they carry themselves? Commanding when around subordinates and during work hours. More personable on off days.

What’s their default expression? Neutral.

Do they have any physical ailments or disabilities? No.

PERSONALITY

What’s their alignment? Lawful Evil.

Which one of the 16 Personality Types do they fit into? Commander and Logician.

What are their hobbies and interests? walk around the mansion, check on his wife, subordinates and employees, and read books.

Do they have any particular “favorites” (food, books, and so on)? Apples.

What are they bad at? Juggling and religious devotion.

What kind of things do they dislike/hate? Taking away choice and People who refuse to take responsibility for their choices.

Do they have any vices/addictions/mental illnesses? No.

What are their goals and motivations? assemble the fragments, gain Godlike power, make a new world without Gods.

What are their manners like? Proper but still personable and welcoming.

 Any habits? Drumming his fingers on tables or his throne.

What are they most afraid of? A loss of free will.

BACKGROUND

Where were they born?  An unknown island.

What was their childhood like? Born into a community that worshipped the two Gods, Heath started out following their footsteps. A child eager for knowledge and friendship, everything changed when he became a teenager and looked closer at its contents…

What’s their family like? Loving but very traditionalist in the religion. His wife is science orientated and so they’re both busy but make sure to check in. He loves Lara.

What factions or organizations are they a part of? Tartarus.

What ranks and titles do they hold? Leader and founder of Tartarus organisation.

How do they fit into their “story”? The Big Bad.

Where do they currently live? Tartarus base.

What’s their place like? A family photo, a painting canvas, a stack of books he get around to reading someday, and a drawing Lara made when she was six hung on his wall.

RELATIONSHIPS

Do they have any friends? he makes sure to keep a decent relationship with his subordinates. 

Would they consider anyone to be their best friend? No.

What’s their friend group like? Lara, Jacob, Michael, and Legion/vessel.

What role do they play in it? Gives assignments for them.

What’s their love life like? Married.

Who do they look up to? His parents when younger.

 Who do they trust? Family.

Who do they hate? Anyone who disregards individual choice.

Do they have any enemies? 0lympus.

Do they have any pets? He had a pet rabbit once.

Are they good with kids? Raised one.

Animals? Long as they don’t get in the way.

FUN FACTS

Which tropes do they fit? Affably Evil, Even Evil has loved ones, evil with good publicity, Godhood seeker, A God I am not.

Which archetypes?

Do they play any instruments? Violin or the flute.

 Sports? Fencing.

What are some items they always carry? His phone.

Do they collect anything? Art books.

What position do they sleep in? Facing skywards.

Which emoji would they use the most?🙂

What languages do they speak? English, learned other languages in his travels.

What’s their favourite expletive? Doesn’t curse.

What’s their favourite candle scent? Cinnamon.

Which animal would you say represents them? Unknown.

What stereotypical high school clique would they fit into? Teacher?

What would their favourite ride at an amusement park be? Any kind of accuracy based game.

Do they follow any religions/gods? He used to but after looking closer at how many mistakes the Gods made and its effects on the world at large, he quit.

Do they celebrate holidays? Yes.

Which Deadly Sin do they most correspond to? Envy.

Which Heavenly Virtue? Diligence.

If you had to choose one tarot card to represent them, which would it be? The Emperor.

[hihoneyimdead]

a dissection of anime nathaniel hawthorne in relation to the scarlet letter

In Which I’m Bored and Want to Talk About Anime Nathaniel Hawthorne and Why He’s More Interesting Than the Fandom Wants to Admit, and Also About Arthur Dimmesdale And Shit

This is going to be long. Fuck. 

(spoilers through the manga, which i have not read all the way through, so take everything i say with a grain of salt. same goes for the scarlet letter, which i haven’t read in nearly four years. ripperoni bro)

Above is the topic of today’s procrastination, Anime Nathaniel Hawthorne from Bungo Stray Dogs. He is a member of an American organization called the Guild, he’s a preacher, and he has a superpower/ability called The Scarlet Letter that allows him to manipulate his own blood into scripture that can either harm or defend via spears and shit and then shields and shit. 

He’s also a simp for Anime Margaret Mitchell, but I’ll be getting into that in a moment. 

Anyway, here’s a better picture of our lovely reverend, this time with his ability:

Funny, right? But that’s what I’m gonna talk about today simply because I’m bored and I should be writing but I’m currently not and I really have a soft spot for this bitch of a preacher. Hawthorne here has a lot more to his character than a lot of people give him credit for, which makes sense because he is a relatively-minor character and all he’s been doing recently is getting cucked by Anime Fyodor Dostoevsky, and while he may currently be Comrade Assassin, he’s still a complex character if you look past what our favorite Russian pimp has been up to. 

So a bit more about Hawthorne before I crack open my copy of his most famous book:

He is a preacher, not a priest, as shown by his choice in clothing. Priests don’t wear that, take it from a former Catholic. His clothes resemble the robes worn by classic Puritan preachers (such as the Reverend Arthur Dimmesdale, but we’ll get to him in a minute.) Whether that was on purpose or not I don’t know, but I’m aiming for a yes because Margaret Mitchell, his partner, wears a Southern belle-style outfit that Scarlett O’Hara (the main character of Mitchell’s most famous work, Gone With the Wind) wears, and John Steinbeck wears clothes reminiscent of Tom Joad (the main character of Steinbeck’s most famous work, The Grapes of Wrath.) It’s kind of a thing with the Guild. Edgar Allan Poe wears clothes that a goth around the time of Poe’s life would’ve worn. Same goes for Louisa May Alcott, Mark Twain, and H. P. Lovecraft. Meanwhile characters such as Lucy Maud Montgomery, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Herman Melville wear clothes that their characters (Anne from Anne of Green Gables, Jay Gatsby from The Great Gatsby, and whoever the fuck was in Moby Dick, respectively.) Hawthorne fits in with that last set of characters, which is funny considering the real life Hawthorne’s works.

In reality, Nathaniel Hawthorne was an American author in the early-to-mid-1800s who wrote many short stories, novels, and poems and shit, usually Romantic in nature. He started off, though, as a big member of the Transcendentalist movement. Transcendentalism, if you don’t know, is kind of like the 1800s equivalent of hippies. They were pretty anti-government and anti-religion, usually specifically anti-Christianity. These institutions corrupted the basis of mankind. Hawthorne himself helped form a utopian commune up in New England (it didn’t last long, don’t worry.) As he grew older, he grew out of that kind of writing and lifestyle and into the works we know him for today, such as his most famous novel, The Scarlet Letter. It, like many of his other works, contains allusions to religion and exists as a sort of criticism on it. 

The Scarlet Letter is set in the middle of the 1600s in Puritan New England. The Puritans were known for being Super Christian. They did not pass the vibe check. The main character is Hester Prynne, a young woman convicted of adultery with an unknown father. After being “released” from prison after the birth of her daughter, Pearl, Hester is allowed to move around outside of prison. But to signify her “evilness”, she must have a red letter ‘A’ on the front of her dress at all times (the eponymous and extremely metaphoric scarlet letter.) Besides Hester and Peal, main characters include Roger Chillingsworth, a doctor and Hester’s ex-husband from England who has vowed to track down the father and have him punished as well, and the Reverend Arthur Dimmesdale, who is sick All of the Time For No Apparent reason. By the end of the novel it’s revealed that Dimmesdale’s illness is actually a manifestation of his guilt because he was Pearl’s father despite him being a reverend and all and Hester being an unmarried woman. He ends up dying in the end after professing his guilt and showing the town the red letter ‘A’ that God supposedly engraved upon the skin on his chest. 

So let’s start here with a brief summary of Dimmesdale’s actions in the book as recalled by someone who hasn’t read it in four years but who is looking at the Wikipedia article right now. 

We first meet him when he and another minister, John Wilson, question Hester as to who the father of her child was. She doesn’t answer. The next time we see him in person is when Hester goes to the governor to ask if she can keep Pearl. She pleads with Dimmesdale and Wilson (who is there too for some reason), and he manages to persuade the governor to let her keep her child. At some point soon after, his health really begins to decline, and Chillingsworth moves in as a physician. Chillingsworth discovers a weird symbol of guilt on Dimmesdale’s chest while the poor guy sleeps after suspecting that the preacher’s illness is a manifestation of an unknown guilt. Dimmesdale, filled with guilt, goes to the town square in the middle of the night one day and screams his guilt to the heavens, but he can’t make himself do it during the day. Hester, shocked by the poor guy’s whole deal, decides to break her vow of silence. She calls Dimmesdale outside of town and tells him that they’re going to move to Europe together and start a new life with Pearl. He agrees and seems reinvigorated. They go back to town, and all’s fine until he gives a really good sermon on Election Day. After that, he professes his guilt and dies in Hester’s arms. People there claim to see a “stigma” in the shape of a letter ‘A’ on his chest, though others say there’s nothing there. 

Dimmesdale is a man consumed by his guilt. He physically and mentally declines because of his guilt and his unwillingness to expose himself for the sinner he really is, though, through it all, he supports Hester and Pearl as best he can considering his station as the town minister. He’s supposed to be the beacon of mortality, the person everyone should look up to and respect and learn from. And here he is, an adulterer, and a liar. And when he finally grows past his guilt and decides to let it out in favor of leaving and starting life anew, he dies, consumed, supposedly, by the wrath of God. He “falls” as a sinner, struck down by the very flames of Hell themselves. Or, more likely, a regular heart attack. He died of shock, poor guy. 

Compare that to Anime Nathaniel Hawthorne. He starts out as a member of a secret association who, according to its leader, Fitzgerald, doesn’t do good, but does what needs to be done. That’s probably why Hawthorne joined it in the first place. While his main goal has always been eradicating sinners from the face of the Earth, he probably started out as a regular old minister. Eradicating doesn’t always mean killing, and this is shown as he only attacks those who threaten his work, his partner (wink), and himself. This changes after the woman he loves throws herself in the way of an attack and nearly gets herself killed saving him. In canon, she’s still in a coma. In canon, he gave himself completely into sin because of his guilt and love for her. And that’s where the similarities between Hawthorne and Dimmesdale really start.

Let’s start with the obvious guilt complex. This goes along with what I believe Dostoevsky’s ability, Crime and Punishment, does. I believe it feeds off of an individual’s guilt, manipulating it and their mind in the process. We see this with Karma, a young man Dostoevsky kills. Karma, in his last moments, goes through all he went wrong with in his life (you know, or as much as a manga page or two can have) and dies knowing that he’ll never achieve his dream. That’s a more extreme example, I think, and not one I should really be using as evidence for anything considering it’s the only example of this really happening. Every other person that Dostoevsky kills with his ability just drops dead without the audience seeing into their thoughts. He’s got an insta-kill ability, but my theory builds off the idea that he can control living or dying. Hawthorne came to Dostoevsky to work for Dostoevsky’s organization, the Rats in the House of the Dead, in exchange for Mitchell getting “revived”. He might look cool on the outside, but he left the Guild, his friends, because Mitchell got hurt. He loves her, and he says as much in the manga (the anime didn’t say so, but left it unsaid and obvious to those looking.) The next time we see Hawthorne, he’s a mindless assassin who really only remembers Mitchell from his past, and the assassin who nearly killed her. His guilt twisted him into someone completely different from how he was before, even looking physically leaner and as different a brief appearance in a manga and anime can make someone look. He’s even lost his glasses, and any normal look in his eye. It’s kinda like the main character of Crime and Punishment from what I can tell, but I also haven’t read that book so take what I say on that with a gain of salt.) He’s consumed by his guilt (thanks, Fyodor.) Guilt is a big part of his character (as much of a character as he has currently, anyway.) The same can be said for Dimmesdale, who, as I’ve said before was consumed by his own guilt and sin until his death. 

I hope that Hawthorne doesn’t end up as dead as Dimmesdale did when he reunites with his supposed love interest (love interests aren’t really a thing in this series, which makes Hawthorne and Mitchell even more interesting to me.) I hope he gets a happy ending, but... that probably won’t happen unless Dostoevsky dies, which seems like an end-game thing to me. He’s a bad dude with slight plot armor. 

Anyway, past the guilt, their relationship with the respective women in their lives is another important and interesting parallel. Dimmesdale, even through Hester’s punishment, more or less treats her as he would’ve before Pearl. I believe that he did truly love her in his own pitiful way, though not as much as he loved his relationship with God, as seen by his continued guilt and shit. But it’s important to note that he seemed to admit his own love for Hester by agreeing to run away to Europe with her, and he did so in little ways throughout the story by helping her keep Pearl and by really just giving her a lighter sentence than a lot of women would’ve gotten. Puritan ministers were up there with government officials in the law (look at the witch trials, for example), so he would’ve definitely had input on her punishment. Most women would’ve been stoned or banished from the town or colony. Hester, notably, was let off relatively easy with just the emblem and the vague banishment to living in a house outside of town alone with her daughter. Hawthorne’s partner was Margaret Mitchell, and from the very beginning until the assassin skewered them, the two of them argued. Honestly, they bickered a lot like an old married couple. It was kinda cute in a weird way. Neither of them would obviously admit their feelings for each other. Both are proud people, Mitchell coming from a disgraced rich family and Hawthorne being a man of God. But his concern for her becomes evident the moment she gets stabbed clean through and impaled a dozen feet above the ground. That’s when he really gets on the offensive, and when she’s destroyed (image below), he calls her by her first name for the first, and only, time, looking completely destroyed (image also below.) He nearly manages to kill the assassin. And when he wakes up and sees that she isn’t going to wake up, he leaves those he cares about to fix his mistake of letting her get this hurt.

When we see Hawthorne next, he is willing to do anything to redeem himself for his mistake. When we meet him as an assassin for the first time, in the manga he says something along the lines of “I, for the revival of the one I love, will fulfill the contract of death”. Which is... not normal, I’ll admit. Poor guy. In the anime, he says something different that I don’t remember, but that was similar if not slightly different (again, the anime isn’t as explicit with their relationship as the manga.) Meanwhile she’s in a coma and is likely not to be revived by those Hawthorne pledged his allegiance to, but those he left behind. 

The two ministers here follow generally the same path of sin. They start out as the badass ministers they really are, men of God. Then, one way or another, they fall deeper and deeper into sin as they go. For Dimmesdale, that was boning Hester Prynne and hiding it from the town and corrupting himself with his guilt. For Hawthorne, that was ‘allowing’ his partner to ‘die’ and surrendering himself to a higher power to try and get her back, losing himself in the process. In the end, both men are shells of their former selves. Dimmesdale dies sick. Hawthorne is a brainwashed assassin. Dimmesdale’s higher power, God, is ultimately what killed him, and his devotion is what really did him in. Hawthorne is probably gonna die or get otherwise written out, I have a feeling (several villains in this show have, just look at Pushkin and Mark Twain and even Mitchell herself.) If he is, it’ll be Dostoevsky or one of his weird Russian friends doing him in or taking him out of the picture. He’ll likely never see Mitchell again and he will die due to his newfound devotion to a “god” who is willing to punish him for going to far. 

And guys, Hawthorne’s ability is literally the titular scarlet letter. What else can I say?

Honestly, I’m not sure what this post was, only that I killed a good three hours writing it and that it gave me yet again a newfound appreciation for something I used to hate. It was Anime Hawthorne, but before that it was IRL Hawthorne and The Scarlet Letter. Thank you American public school system. 

[anhed-nia]

BLOGTOBER 10/21/2019: TERROR IN THE WOODS

I consider this to be the second Slender Man movie that I viewed this blogtober season. Previously, I wrote about THE TALL MAN, a twisty 2012 thriller by Pascal Laugier, the writer-director of 2008′s MARTYRS, which is coincidentally about a pair of traumatized young women who are driven to violence by the belief that they must placate a monstrous supernatural entity. THE TALL MAN does not share that similarity with the Slender Man mythos, but it makes a familiar proposal: A tall shadowy male figure emerges from the forest to abscond with children, for reasons that may be either murderous, or that may instead offer lonely and dejected little kids an escape into a sort of gothic Neverland. This odd killer-savior dichotomy reflects the pathos at the heart of Slender Man fandom, an obsession that thousands of ordinary young people shared with juvenile attempted murderers Morgan Geyser and Anissa Weier. Their story is so well-known that it feels a little embarrassing to explain that the eerie Slender Man is the fictitious product of an online Photoshop contest. His first appearance, surrounded by young victims and/or acolytes, was captioned thusly:

“We didn't want to go, we didn't want to kill them, but its persistent silence and outstretched arms horrified and comforted us at the same time… “

The images’ combination of spooky shit and childhood innocence would have felt pretty cliche even in 2009, but the conflation of victimization with salvation is a potent one. It evokes both the escapist bent that is so pronounced in children, and also the death drive--the psychoanalytic idea that people are subconsciously attracted to their own inevitable and perhaps cathartic conclusions. Maybe someone has already named this form of suicidal ideation that represents both the desire for everything to stop, and the hopeful fantasy that death could be the beginning of something else; If so, I would love to read about it. For want of that, we have the sadly overexposed yet still poorly understood story of 12 year olds Moran Geyser and Anissa Weier attempting to make a sacrifice of their supposed friend Payton Leutner to the Slender Man. A thinly-veiled version of this story is articulated successfully in the Lifetime original movie TERROR IN THE WOODS.

The generic title gives no hint of what this well-acted and psychologically realistic production is like. While no names are named, including the Slender Man’s, Ella West Jerrier and Sophie Grace play extraordinarily convincing stand-ins for Geyser and Weier, as the awkward, isolated little girls who become increasingly obsessed with a Creepy Pasta-like website where they find out about a demonic creature called the Suzerain. Like the Slender Man, the terms of one’s relationship with the Suzerain are complicated. Once you have its attention, you have to make a blood sacrifice, or else it will annihilate your family. However, making the sacrifice brings the strange reward of being accepted into the Suzerain’s remote mansion, where you live forever as his slave. That might not sound too good to just anybody, but an unhappy, confused, and powerless person sees in it an escape from the ravages of the mundane world, and also a relief from the painful burden of personal responsibility, as the Suzerain becomes your ultimate and eternal authority. This is where the Payton Leutner character comes in (played perfectly by Skylar Morgan Jones), an even more naive and immature classmate who was being edged out of girls’ triangle before the Suzerain “chose” her for sacrifice.

While I feel concerned about some of the oversimplified causes that TERROR IN THE WOODS seems to identify--chiefly, well-meaning but absent parents who are too concerned with their personal dramas to notice the murder plot hatching under their noses--the movie nails perpetrator’s personalities, keeping the focus appropriately on their emotional turmoil and complex delusions. Minus the acerbic comedy, TERROR sometimes feels like a Todd Solondz picture, with true to life characters rendered in agonizing detail, especially Skylar Morgan Jones, who is as unlikable as she is undeserving. Their vulnerability, their tackiness, and their juvenile pretensions are all beautifully fleshed-out. One rarely sees an honest, warts-and-all portrayal of young children in anything besides obnoxiously arty, explicit indie dramas, and this quality puts Lifetime ahead of the curve (as they often are) in terms of a certain kind of domestic realism. Even the attempted murder scene pulls no punches, graphically depicting the savage stabbing of a little girl who ends up drenched in blood and rolled in forest floor detritus.

As I just suggested, I object somewhat to the easy-out presented here, that all of this could have been prevented if only the parents were more attentive to their children’s internet activity, and more suspicious of their perceived emotional states. Today I watched the two hour 20/20 special about the crime, in which a lot of professional adults say a lot of incredibly stupid things about the “obvious” problems with Geyser and Meier. “Is ‘I want to die’ a normal thing for a child to write?” blusters one expert rhetorically about a diary entry, at which I nearly screamed “OF COURSE IT IS!” Anyone who never experienced such exaggerated feelings of emotional exhaustion as a young teen would have to be either extremely sheltered, or sort of a psychopath themselves. Throughout the special, grownups who think Apple Jacks should taste like apples spar over whether Geyser and Morgan are just fundamentally bad people, completely ignoring the complex and detailed psychology laid out in the Slender Man literature itself. On one hand is the threat of family annihilation by this creature in whom the two girls manifestly deeply believed. On the other hand, respite from a continued life of bullying and rejection from all of their peers. Fear, sadness, alienation, and actual mental illness permeate this tragic story. In fact, the girls were ultimately diagnosed with schizophrenia and shared psychosis, respectively. However, even with all that on the table, some individuals remain happy to go on TV post-trial speculating frothily that these kids just wanted to know what it felt like to commit murder, and that maybe in this story we have discovered “that rarest of things--an evil 12 year old!”

It isn’t that I don’t think evil 12 year olds can exist. I don’t believe in the patent innocence of children any more than I believe that parents are completely capable of knowing (and changing) their child’s every thought and feeling, down to the ability to determine that something as outrageous as a blood sacrifice is a real life possibility and not just a relatively normal morbid musing for a normally emo-y kid. Trying to imagine that level of domestic detective work reminds me of the superior documentary DEPROGRAMMED, which details how the filmmaker’s rebellious brother had his life ruined by parents who convinced themselves that he was a legitimate and dangerous devil worshipper. Life just isn’t that simple, and this urge to find simplistic causes and solutions for unpredictable events is no more rational or mature than the urge to find solace in an imaginary kingdom with no parents and no homework. At this point, I feel like I should apologize for failing to address this movie, which I really liked a lot, as much as I addressed the story of the Slender Man stabbing. TERROR IN THE WOODS is roundly well-acted, appropriately sympathetic to all parties, and soberly told. It’s just hard for me to separate the story from the movie, as both have potent things to say about how we underestimate the psychological complexity of childhood. I don’t have solutions to propose, except that I think a good place to start would be with responsible adults relinquishing their own shallow certainty about what can happen and what we can do. 

[anditendshowyoudexpect]

There remains a stigma attached to the word ‘breakdown’, when actually it’s a very legitimate response to life in the early twenty-first century. We are not designed for the non-stop world we live in, the pressures put upon us, and those we bring upon ourselves. For young people, especially, those pressures are becoming ever more intense. Social media, the battle for jobs, the speed with which we judge – it’s a lot easier for kids now to be made to feel inadequate in so many different ways. I worry about what any child picks up in their subconscious just through their daily interaction with the world. Societal pressure has got worse for children, and I hope my own experiences will make me better able to help my children tread that difficult path.

*

Billie was magnificent as Rose. I knew she was good at the time but looking back now I can see her absolute brilliance. It reminds me how much we loved working together, which is palpably obvious on screen. Actors work at chemistry; it doesn’t just come with a snap of the fingers, but we were fortunate enough to have something there from the start. We were also professionals and knew how to achieve on-screen banter. What truly amazes me is I know how nervous Billie was at the start. She thought I was some big serious performer and she didn’t have the belief in herself as an actor. She proved herself, of course, to be way better than any of the rest of us. Her luminosity on screen comes from herself, not those around her, and instinctively she made Rose exactly the person she should be. When Doctor Who won a BAFTA for Best Drama, it was Billie for whom I was truly delighted. The reception she got when the show was screened made any lingering reservations on her part about her ability evaporate. It was admirable in her that she had zero arrogance that she could do it. The work she has done since has shown her to be worthy of every accolade that comes her way.

Watching our characters now reinforces what I concluded at the time: Russell enjoys writing more for women than he does for men. If so, I’m glad – there’s been a lot of writing for men. Rose arrives on screen fully formed, one of the strongest female characters of any show of any year, painting a solid line leading directly to Jodie Whittaker. If you think about it, the relaunch in 2005 was actually the chance to create the first female Doctor. Why not do it then? Perhaps, really, we should be looking back on Billie Piper not as Rose but as the Doctor.

*

The attitude exists that, in the relationship between producer, director and actor, they are the adults and we are the children. I agree, actors can behave like children, they can be spoilt – but not this one, and not a lot of others I know. A working relationship can’t operate on a basis of master and servant. If a director, or anyone else on set, comes in and has bad manners, then chances are they’ll hear from me.

This idea that actors can be manipulated and pushed around to suit the agendas of others irritates me. On Shallow Grave, prior to the shoot, myself, Ewan McGregor and Kerry Fox lived in a flat together for a week. We rehearsed, read scenes, and got to know each other. I considered it to be a budgetary and practical arrangement, but after the film came out Danny talked about it as being a social experiment, which I objected to because to me it was like the director playing God. If Danny wanted to conduct an experiment to gauge our reaction and interaction to one another, he should have told us. Had I known, I would doubtless have gained something from the situation. Danny, I expect, would argue otherwise, that the actors wouldn’t get it. Well, I’m more intelligent than that. As it turned out, Danny’s plan was counterproductive because all it did was give myself, Kerry and Ewan a week to realise we didn’t like each other very much and didn’t get on. We had entirely different backgrounds, approaches to acting, and sensibilities. All three of us were also very, very ambitious and insecure with it. Danny would probably argue that that tension then manifested itself on screen. I think that’s bollocks. This idea of pitting one actor against another is dangerous, manipulative and patronising. The film would have been better without all that nonsense.

I’m not alone in feeling dismayed at misplaced directorial interference. Anthony Hopkins once arranged for the cast of Frankenstein to go for a Chinese meal during rehearsals. Anthony received a message from Francis Ford Coppola: ‘Francis doesn’t want you to go for a Chinese meal,’ it read, ‘because he feels it would break the atmosphere.’

Anthony Hopkins’ reaction was simple – ‘Bollocks, we’re going for a Chinese meal.’

*

In a way, Let Him Have It was an example of the British film industry bowing to American values. I hate Forrest Gump. I would like to burn every single copy of that film for the way it treats both mental health issues and women. A sexually free female character who ends up with AIDS? That tells you everything. I wanted to make an angrier, more polemical, more complicated film about a young man who deserved more than just to have the label ‘simple’ pinned to his lapel.

*

That presence, that intensity, that some people, not just Peter, have identified again comes from growing up, like most working class children, with the institutional message, ‘You’re stupid’, as did my father, as did my brothers. If you’re working class in this country, you may be able to shovel shit or push a trolley, but, ‘You are thick. You do not emote.’ ‘You are thick. You are not worthy of a decent education.’ Those central messages of unworthiness become so ingrained that they are self-perpetuating. Come up with a big word and not only are you mocked – ‘Oh, where did that come from?’ – but you mock yourself. So yes, I am intense, and that’s because there’s a lot of fierce concentration on trying to be articulate, rather than that laid-back public-school attitude to intellect that some people seem to have.

*

My dad had definitely shared with me a very visible masculinity. His appearance and actions shouted standard maleness, but the way I viewed him was different. It seemed obvious to me that, at his core, causing his outward behaviour, was a great femininity and vulnerability. My view of maleness was formed from how tyrannical my dad could be and yet how gentle. Through him, I learned to accept that the two things could coexist. I too have a masculinity allied to an intensely female side. Perhaps the difference is I’m aware of it. Dad, I think, found his sensitivity a source of conflict. For many years, I was the same. I resented it. I resented the part of me that made me different. If you are a late-twentieth-century male, traditional working-class, you are not going to like that side of yourself. I wanted to be black and white. I didn’t understand that it is the sensitive side that offers true insight in life – intuition and empathy.

*

Similarly, there’d be no bunches of flowers from Dad – none of that – and he didn’t like dancing – he was too self-conscious, too embarrassed – so Mum would always dance with somebody else.

I once went into my mum and dad’s room and saw a book, The Sun is my Tormentor, a Mandingo-esque novel of love and adventure, by Mum’s side of the bed. Seeing my mother in middle age and her desire for romance moved me deeply. It made me cry. I felt for her emptiness and also because I knew there were greater romantic novels that, because of her conditioning as being unworthy of such literature, she perhaps felt she couldn’t venture into.

*

We wrapped the production on Friday, had a party, and then on Saturday morning I’d arranged to go to Old Trafford with my dad. I was really looking forward to it – and he turned up with the season tickets from two years before. I’m disgusted with myself thinking about it now, but I gave him a bollocking. I was pissed off because I couldn’t go to the game. More than that, though, I was pissed off because he had dementia. That is shameful on my part, but genuinely that is the case. Maybe that shame is something others in the same position will recognise, an occasional presence of a selfish internal voice, one that so desperately craves ‘normality’.

I put my anger at his illness down to coming straight off the back of Flesh and Blood, with its fictional narrative so unflinchingly similar to my own non-fiction life. Amid that emotion, present as he always was whenever me and my dad knocked heads, was that little boy who was frightened of him. I definitely harboured residual anger towards him, a straight reflection of the anger he’d exhibited towards me. Sounds harsh, but he was getting back the temper he taught me. I was in control now. I’m not proud of that, and I’m not saying it’s right, but that’s how I justified it to myself.

I looked into his eyes and could see him trying to process what was going on. He was staring at the season tickets, semi-computing that they were the ones from two years ago, while trying to work out what the situation meant, and what should happen next. For ten seconds, my peripheral vision was blacked out, blinkered. All I saw was this big, fierce bird-like face looking around lost in confusion. I put Dad on the bus home, the route being familiar to him, and walked away. I rang later and explained to my mum what had happened. And then I started crying. I cried for four hours. That night I had a date with my girlfriend. I told her about it and cried all over again. I broke my heart like I’ve never broken my heart since. That moment of seeing his confusion had left a mark – not a bruise, but a deep, lasting weal. Until that point, I’d understood intellectually that my dad had dementia because we’d been told. But emotionally I hadn’t understood it at all. And then there, in the street outside Old Trafford, I’d been given a window into somebody going mad. Becoming demented. That’s the truth of it – demented. It’s a shocking word. We used to talk about demented dogs, and we shot them. When we say dementia, there’s no hiding the truth. It means people are demented. We can dress that up however we want, but there’s no denying the naked reality beneath. That day I had been presented with the stark vision of a man floundering in a maze of his mind’s own making. Not knowing who and where he was. And I’d just been horrible to him. And he was my dad.

*

Esme asked me the other day, ‘Daddy, do you like Mummy?’

‘Well,’ I said, ‘when me and Mummy met, we fell in love and had you. Having two children very quickly is hard on parents in a relationship and then Mummy and Daddy started to not like each other. Now, Esme, as you’ve seen, we are trying to be friends.’

As a child, I would have liked that level of honesty and candidness with my parents, but it was no more part of Ronnie and Elsie than it had been their parents, and so on and so on before. I completely understand that the openness switch was neither at their fingertips nor was it socially reinforced. Emotion could hold a working-class child back, make them unready for what was to come – what they were for. I am thankful to have been given the opportunity to have a more grounded relationship with my children. Before Albert and Esme, playing football, wrestling, doing a crossword or mock-boxing with my own dad were the happiest things I could ever imagine in my life. They go right to the heart of me. Now, I have a new happiness with my own children. And it is a happiness born of honesty.

The blight on that happiness is that I don’t live with them. I know I’ve yet to come to terms with that fact. This book will help, the increasing distance from the hospitalisation will help, but it’s something that will always hurt inside. The legal system could certainly help deliver balance for parents and children involved in separation and divorce. Hopefully, we are in the dog days of the Victorian view of men and women and their role in their children’s lives, which has led to institutional and historic bias. In the twenty-first century, an authentic emotional relationship can come from a man as much as a woman.

*

I wanted to throw a spotlight on the generations, the millions and millions, for whom ‘success’, defined as anything other than the basic survival of themselves and their family, was a concept of which they were denied to the extent that they were chained, leg, wrist and neck, to an institutionally blessed mindset of zero expectation. To those in charge of those institutions, the working class is as it describes. A production line of workers, nothing more, nothing less. People? With character, hope, intelligence, ambition? Forget it. Get back in your box and shut up.

I was asked a few years ago to go on the BBC genealogy show Who Do You Think You Are? I agreed and they started looking into my family tree. It says everything that the project went nowhere. They tugged aside the leaves on those branches and concluded, ‘Nothing to see here.’ Generations of working-class people dismissed. Individuals with their own hopes, dreams and stories. Not army generals, industrialists, vaudeville singers, but factory workers, farm labourers, cleaners, nothing in any way ‘sexy’ enough for TV.

No doubt if someone like me had popped up in the dim and distant, all would have been good. But why? My father had all my abilities, linguistically, physically, and then some. So, no doubt, did generations before him. I get that my life has been far more fulfilled than my father’s and those before him, but for me that makes him the far more interesting story. What do I know of life? I’m not driving stacker trucks all day at Colgate-Palmolive and then going to Bulmers and driving stacker trucks there all night. I’m not cleaning floors in a launderette like Mum. And yet how often is the story of the working class ever told on TV? I don’t mean the dross that is soaps. I mean properly told? The answer is less and less. Working-class stories don’t fit in boxsets. They don’t make money. They don’t fit the business model of selling to global TV. And yet they are the lives that talk to me, define me. They are the lives I find endlessly fascinating.

Christopher Eccleston, I Love the Bones of You