#should have put it in irony quotes now that i think about it

[vaggieslefteye]

I learned about #AceAlastorWeek a few hours ago so I quickly took a segment from another video I've been working on and made this for Day 5 - Friendship: Mr. Scary EvilDudeGuy bleating like a fawn when with his best friend. A small glimpse of him being truly at-ease, content, and, dare I say it? Soft.

[anxresi]

They're absolutely right...

...It's the writers that deserve the lion's share of the backlash, for poor, innocent, boring-as-hell Zoe is merely a tool of the oppressor, aka Mr Astruc. What's being oppressed, you may well ask? Well, interesting storylines, proper continuity, two-dimensional personalities... I could go on. Everything that makes a show compulsive and rewarding viewing that Miraculous Ladybug conspicuously and utterly lacks in every department due to his increasingly destructive machinations, basically.

This pink-streaked plot device masquerading as a serious character can (along with another equally pointless individual called 'Soquerline' who was so unmemorable I almost forgot she was ever a thing) exists for one reason and one reason only: to diminish Chloe's relevance and role in the show to the sum of precisely nothing. Well after S5, job done I guess guys. Well done. Well done indeed. (Although apparently not... they're bringing Miss Bourgeois back for more torture in the London 'special'. Guess Tommy Boy just can't keep away from his favorite punching bag, can he?)

The irony is though, having such a super-sweet but dull-as-ditchwater Mary Sue to replace a well-established and multi-layered person such as Chloe actually sends out a seriously awful message. Why? Because if I was a bad kid and saw S1-3 Chloe, I'd think 'what a fascinating redemption arc, I can inspired by that and do better.' But after seeing S4-5 Chloe and what an arguable downgrade as a replacement the incredibly tedious Zoe is, I'd be more like 'well, obviously there's no point in trying to be good, because you'll probably turn into a psychopath overnight with no explanation in the middle of your genuine efforts to improve. And if what the show is presenting to me as the ideal for a teenage girl to be is the waste-of-blank-space that Zoe clearly is... then a life of deliquency sounds more tempting with every passing minute! Now, where did I put my spray can?'

The most shameless aspect to this whole argument though, is by those trying to paint the hapless Zoe as some kind of lesbian icon. Pardon? She got a plot-mandated crush on Marinette in one episode and somehow that makes her insipid and needless presence an asset for the gay community? Somehow a few people have got it into their heads if you 'dare' to make someone non-straight in cartoons these days you deserve a big pat on the back for that 'risk' alone. WRONG. They should also be fleshed-out, complex, necessary characters whose sexuality isn't just define them or deflect from deserved criticism as to what the hell they are doing there if they turn up in the middle of proceedings with no prior explanation. See: The Owl House for how it's done.

And that's all Zoe being gay is... an irrelevant trait Mr Astruc can point to cynically and say ' you're a bigot for disliking her whatever your reasons are, so I'm not listening to you' instead of engaging with the actual argument which is SHE IS NOT AND WAS NEVER NEEDED IN THE SHOW. Everything you required to make Chloe the brilliant character she could've been was RIGHT THERE in the script but you CHOSE to rub it all out and scrawl some hastily scribbled doodle with no personality other than being 'very nice' in her place. A tragedy. The worst case of self-vandalism I've ever seen. No wonder Jeremy Zag wants to start from scratch with his rebooted movies. More power to him, IMHO.

Needless to say, nearly all the above in the quoted post about her father loving her (we haven't met him yet, it's DEFINITELY not Andre Bourgeois, his name ends in 'Lee' for a start) her supposed growth (the only 'growth' she's had is when she turned into that giant golden Chloe after being akumatized) her alleged pansexuality (all in the desperate mind of the OP) her 'abusive' family (I think you'll find Chloe had it FAR WORSE over the course of the show in that regard, so why not idolise her?) is complete bunkum. and to be frank I couldn't compose a much delusional post if I tried. Sometimes I wonder: what planet are some people on to reach such implausible conclusions? I don't understand it, I'll never understand it and quite frankly I feel quite sorry for the arbiters of such risibly deluded takes.

Last but not least though, we have...

Now this I ALSO agree with 1000%. And I know just the place to 'flush' her... ;)

[lotusarchon]

not gonna tag anyone here but there's ranting + topics related to sharing nsfw topics with minors so please be forewarned

I haven't seen LMK content outside of my own stuff on Tumblr for almost a year now (hallelujah for that) so imagine both my disgust and surprise when out of boredom I ran through a follower's blog only to see a popular creator WITHIN the fandom pulling the most disgusting stunt ever.

Jesus fucking Christ I just ran through that doc and had to take breather midway. Like. What the actual FUCK??

I'm not gonna bring up the whole game part and shit, that's personally none of my business and idgaf about that

But DUDE. HOW HARD IS IT FOR YOU TO HAVE NOT SHOWN PORN TO FUCKING MINORS!?!

I cannot even FANTHOM the idea of interacting with a minor after turning 18, much less sharing my own content with them, and YOU WERE OUT HERE CASUALLY SHARING THIS SHIT?? WITH CHILDREN!?

I genuinely feel like I want to puke. Full honesty, I've never liked DynamicSimp because of their Eyeshot AU because it was so uncomfortable, but deadass I did not anticipate whoever they were to pull a stunt like THIS.

Dude. Dude how fucking high do you have to be to think sharing fucking porn with a minor is okay???

There's not even a plausible excuse at this point because even if someone says they're fine with shit like that if they are a kid and you're an adult YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO USE YOUR FUCKING HEAD. DON'T SHARE SHIT LIKE THAT WITH KIDS. KIDS!!!

For fuck's sake, I make adult content in the LMK fandom. It's literally the only thing I post at this point, and if at any point I catch any kids in my followers I BLOCK them ASAP.

And you just casually fucking share porn with them?? Because, what, you're friends?? Is THAT the excuse you're gonna come up with for yourself?? Close friends does not equate breaking boundaries you creep.

Ew. Just, EW. Oh my god. My heart goes out to the ones that had to go through this, I sincerely can't imagine how they're feeling much less how scared they might've been to make that post with that risk.

I'm just. How hard was it for you to not share shit like this?? How possibly difficult could it have been for you to realize that these are kids you're talking too, MAYBE DON'T pull that shit??

How fucking disgusting did you have to be to not even think for a second that as an adult you should set an example and not share fucking porn with minors??

Just. To quote a bitch I had to deal with; dude, you need a serious soul cleansing, and I'm not even that isn't going to be enough. What the absolute fuck is wrong with you??

Actually, don't bother answering that. Reading that doc made me feel so nauseated, and I can imagine the actual victims in this scenario and how they must be feeling. The fact you were probably looked up too as well probably sucks more, because YOU were the adult here. YOU had to set the example, yet you decided to act immaturely and share inappropriate content in a space that held minors in them. And the irony is, you might not even care and no doubt want your dickriding fans to go after everyone to play the victim in this situation.

As an adult content creator WITHIN this fandom, this was highclass bullshit. If you were that desperate to share nsfw content, you could have made a place and meet with adults. Just as there are minors in your blogs there definitely had to be adults too with the shit you post. You cannot tell me you couldn't have simply decided to make a server or whatever and put up a note; ADULTS ONLY!!!

I genuinely don't care about the excuses about "they were friends!!" or whatever, because 1) they expressed heavy discomfort, 2) friendship does not equate broken boundaries. I have like two friends I met before I turned 18 who are minors, and not once has it ever crossed my mind to share adult content with them. I specifically ASK them as well not to view my content because I KNOW they are minors and I'd NEVER want children to view my shit FOR. A. REASON. Hence why I also made an ADULT ONLY DISCORD SERVER. So I can SHARE nsfw content WITHOUT MINORS VIEWING IT.

There's no plausible excuse here. You're a genuine creep, and I do hope the victims in this scenario get the justice they truly deserve.

This is for others that might see this post as well; if you're an adult with friends who are minors, USE. YOUR. BRAIN. It doesn't matter how close you are, don't fucking share porn with them.

I get that it's not anyone's responsibility on the internet to babysit people's kids, but it IS your responsibility on how YOU BEHAVE.

This was childish and immature fucking behavior, not to mention disgusting and creepy. Fucking EW.

[yaeggravate]

brief post about kaeya's potential future arc (or why 5 star kaeya will totally happen 🔮✨️)

so something i noticed is that kaeya always removes or distances himself from the end of any situation he's in. (it's much more noticeable in his hangout).

first is crepus's death. he hangs back and doesn't get involved in his final moments.

kaeya disappears in the final section of the ballads and brews event. you can find and talk to every character except him.

in the venti route of his hangout, kaeya stays back when it's time to sing with everyone. venti then drags him back in. (what's odd is that venti didn't even notice he was gone at first 👀 "now you see them, now you don't")

Kaeya: Slipping away before the final verse is sung, before the poet has uttered the last line, before everything has concluded… I don't know, something about it just resonates with me.

klee says kaeya hasn't read her the end of the book series the fox and the dandelion sea yet, which is about a guy stuck in a loop. in somewhat the same vein, in the secret summer event, he tells her a story about the jinni and a shepard boy but changes the ending from what we know from the in game book…

and then we have the prince qubad play, where he quietly exits after it ends. he explains why himself (through nahida's auge):

(Use Nahida's All Schemes to Know on Kaeya, optional) Kaeya: (I always like to extricate myself before things start getting tedious.)

in the same route, kaeya quotes the character jaques from shakespeare's play as you like it

Kaeya: Let me think... "All the world's a stage, and all the people merely players."

which is very fitting considering, quote the wiki:

Jaques takes no part in the unfolding of the plot, and confines himself to wry comment on the action and exchanges with his fellow characters.

he also silently does things for others without wanting to take credit, i.e. being rewarded.

and i think i know why 😏

in his character story, kaeya is referred to as a chess pawn in CN, he then repeats this in his hangout.

Kaeya: But I shall not bow to the will of fate. I am no pawn in heaven's plan.

further emphasizing it's not a random throw away term.

i'm neither chess expert nor chess amateur. but anyone can pull up a wikipedia page 😤

pawns are the only pieces that can't move backward, pawns can get promoted to another piece when they reach the end of the board, and… pawns are expandable, made to be sacrificed for the kingdom.

he even expresses the desire to age backwards….which pawns can't do of course.

A very simple such analogy is the Pawn — the expendable, powerless, nameless foot soldier who may, if his actions are brave and his heart is true, become a Queen (although someone more practised at the game may note that the pawn is really a symbol of why you should never overlook apparently powerless people).

that sounds exactly like kaeya's situation, doesn't it? many people have questioned why kaeya is a 4 star given his importance to the main plot, but i think it could be a deliberate narrative decision. (at least i hope it is 😬)

if kaeya is a pawn he can be promoted to a queen when he reaches the end…. except kaeya doesn't want to, as demonstrated by his unwillingness to see things through till the end.

why would he do this?

simply put, it's foreshadowing 😏

kaeya will have his character arc eventually, where the only sensible path is accepting that he must reach the end because pawns cannot stay pawns forever

Promotion is mandatory when moving to the last rank; the pawn cannot remain as a pawn.

there is some sick sense of irony in him declaring he won't be heaven's pawn, when a pawn can only stop being a pawn by moving forward.

i think kaeya's birthday letter about tcg of all things is also hinting at his arc:

If you think about it, playing cards aren't easy at all — you gotta do the math before throwing the dice, and be extra careful with your every move. One step wrong, and the whole table is turned. When that happens, don't you think it's most amusing to watch your opponent's frustrated face, hmm?

(uh oh, celestia 🤭)

say he does reach this metaphorical last rank, what would that look like for him? gameplay wise it would mean a promotion to 5 star status. story wise? a magical girl transformation into the second coming of fischl.

haha ok but, unfortunately i doubt it's that simple.

something else that has been foreshadowed is kaeya's eventual fate…

Traveler: What did you think of the story? Kaeya: It was alright. I suppose the hero always has to sacrifice himself to save others, and it does make for some good storytelling. But it leaves you wondering how he really feels about the whole thing. Did he ever have second thoughts? Only he can know, I suppose.

Kaeya: My dear audience, I ask you this: Do you believe in fate? If fate decreed that your life was to end in tragedy, what would you do?

Kaeya: I, Qubad, will spend the rest of my days in a foreign land, till I breathe my last in a place far from home.

Kaeya: And anyway, life is short, so we should make the most of the time we have. Right now is the perfect time to relax and enjoy ourselves, and who knows how many other chances we'll get. So come on, what do you say?

Fallen I 还没尽…兴… Haven't enjoyed...to the fullest...

When It's Windy 真是和平啊、可又能持续多久呢？ How peaceful, but how long can it last?

Traveler: Good night, Kaeya. Kaeya: Is it that time already? I'm not sure I'm ready to say goodbye.

let's face it, these are death flags. no, kaeya is not going to perma die, but this might be what he has seen through the Auge der Verurteilung and why he's so reluctant to reach the ending of his story.

but in order to defy fate and become a 5 star you have to throw yourself into the embrace of the immernacht first 😈

[yeonsols-garden]

Chapter 140-144 discussion

Now because these four chapters are basically one big chapter all culminating in Junhyuk and Yeonwoo's reconciliation I'm going to put it all together in one big gigantic fat essay.

You're welcome.

Starting off with chapter 140 let us all praise Jinwoo for his amazing advice because all this was really solved by Jinwoo telling Yeonwoo if "he doesn't listen to you just punch him". That right there is some solid advice and it did wonders for our boys in the long run.

I also just love how Jinwoo is so quote-on-quote nonchalant about this entire debacle between Junhyuk and Yeonwoo but you can tell that he cares, he wouldn't be talking to Yeonwoo if he didn't care. Even though he complains about his broken heart and we all know he's jealous of the fact that Yeonwoo and Haesol are dating that doesn't deter him from helping a friend in need.

Let's also talk about and appreciate how Jinwoo and Yeonwoo have truly become friends. Like I'm so happy that Yeonwoo now has another male friend who is not Junhyuk. Now he understands what a friendship between two men is more than likely supposed to look like. His relationship with Junhyuk is abnormal and him having a friendship with another man in a way that is normal, in a sense I feel like it's going to do good for him.

Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss Yeonwoo, he came out in the cold in his pajamas on purpose because he knows that Junhyuk has a strong tendency to take care of him. Like even when Junhyuk is trying to stay away from Yeonwoo he still has that desire to take care of Yeonwoo and I just find that so heartwarming but also so messed up when you think about it. Like their bond is so deep that even in the midst of an argument they still have those habits that they are unable to get away from. Ah trauma. (Haesol would be livid) Scratch that that's a positive thing now.

I can feel Yeonwoo's frustration as Junhyuk is just not listening to him and just brushing him off.

That punch was so satisfying.

I adored and loved every minute of it. The way I had to wait for those chapters to come out, painful (after the chapter 147 raws it's about to get worse).

Them airing out all their guilt, honesty, I loved it but it is very obvious that they are still holding some things back.

Completely off topic but the panel where Haesol is telling Yeonwoo that his relationship with Junhyuk is abnormal when I first read that chapter I was terrified because I thought her grip on him was too hard but now that we go back into the memory and Yeonwoo has calmed down and that shadow on her face is gone the look on her face is so soft and her hold on him is so careful I'm actually sick. (Ya I'm delusional so what)

Only Yeonsol people Only Yeonsol!!!

Back to the boys.

This argument between them was honestly what we all needed but it wasn't enough I'm not going to lie. There are still so many things that they should talk about and it kind of feels like they are brushing things under the rug but, it is a start. They have never had an argument before and this is their first argument so it's a start.

I can't be the only one who thought that Junhyuk talking about his fixation on Yeonwoo and how he can't help do certain things when he's with him... that low key sounded like a confession... I'm not going to lie I was like how this was wording. I just found it funny and I loved it I'm not going to lie. Like I love my platonic boys but the wording, it stuck out to me and I cackled.

What makes this even better is the fact that Junhyuk and Haesol are both jealous of each other because of the others relationship with Yeonwoo. THE IRONY!

Something that struck me was them talking about how Yeonwoo tried to off himself and how that made Junhyuk feel. it was honestly something that they needed to talk about because the moment that happened in the flashback I was like they better talk about this when they reconcile because there's no way you're going to have that be such a major part of Junhyuk's trauma and not address it.

Plus Yeonwoo is too perceptive he is very intelligent when it comes to understanding other people's emotions especially Junhyuk he's been with the man his whole entire life, he understands Junhyuk. Them talking about that and reconciling has healed a part of me that I did not know was broken. It healed a part of me that I thought it genuinely loved the angst but that part showed me how much I actually needed healing.

It was an eye opener.

That sequence of them going back and forth from their childhood to them in the park and that hug that finally came

*smacks hand on table*

that was just so cathartic.

The release I felt when they finally hugged it out oh my God that was so good I was all over the place. it was just too good.

It was actually amazing.

Now in chapter 143 the awkwardness that has come after that was honestly so realistic.

I love how Esol is just so realistic in her depictions of all the characters and especially in the human aspects of their relationships. For instance if this was any other webtoon this realistic awkwardness that comes after you reconcile from a fight would probably not be as well flushed out as it is in this chapter. It would be a miniature gag and then they would move on and act like nothing happened.

I appreciate how Esol doesn't do that and she takes everything that is happening seriously and you can tell the amount care that she puts into each and every one of the scenes that she draws and puts out into the world.

Now I know this chapter is about them reconciling and everything becoming better but I am not the only person who thinks that Yeonwoo has the potential to be a master manipulator. Like yeah his intention is to reconcile with Junhyuk and be friends with him again but the way certain things are worded where he's like "you can let go of your guilt that you have for me now" or when he goes on and on about how he isn't the best person but he still wants to be friends with Junhyuk... like I know he has good intentions but that right there could be some master manipulator type stuff I'm just putting that out into the world because it is there.

Other than that chapter 143 is honestly great but... when Yeonwoo says that there are times where he wishes he could have come to school with a gun and shot up the place... now as an American that hit a bit too close to home and I was gagged I had to take several steps back because my boy!

Like sure I would let you do that to me but I mean in all honesty I was surprised I was bamboozled. . . It was still a fun read but I was very surprised.

Did I mention that shock to me.

Ya? Ok.

Yeonwoo admitting to Junhyuk that if it weren't for Junhyuk he probably would not be here today that actually warmed my heart. Junhyuk has been having a crisis over how he isn't helping Yeonwoo, thinking that he is in fact harming him (this is all Haesol's fault) and for Yeonwoo to tell him that because of Junhyuk he would not be here today is just so good.

It really does something to your soul you know.

Now this reconciliation was sweet but can we just talk about how pretty Yeonwoo is. Like I know Esol loves drawing our main leads because her Instagram and Twitter have the most jaw-dropping works of Haesol and in the webtoon the way she draws Yeonwoo needs to be studied because he's just absolutely mesmerizing.

The panel where Yeonwoo is pulling his hand out for Junhyuk to shake it so they can move on and the slight blush that dusts his cheeks as the camera pans to Junhyuk's point of view, how his expression is just one of embarrassment with a mix of shame and a tad bit of frustration 🤤

Oh my Lord I had to like take a break from my computer because I unconscious.

My heart stopped

I was contemplating my life decisions.

I was ready to get down on my hands and knees and do anything he asked because how the heck can someone look that pretty with a bruised eye no less.

The detail that Esol goes into when drawing Yeonwoo it's just magnificent and I'm fed every chapter with how pretty he is.

Enough of that, I can honestly go on and make like a 20 page essay on his looks alone. You wouldn't want to read that.

Them shaking hands was great but of course knowing Esol she had to add that ominous cloud of black static that kind of dampend in the mood a tad bit but hey we got what we got and I'm honestly not mad at it because it was great.

The cloud eludes to the fact that there is going to be a constant stain on their psyches because of what happened to them middle school. It is honestly a great way to show trauma but it's also a great way to show that they are moving on and they are getting better.

Now let's get to the meat and butter of this chapter

...

HAESOL BABY

SHE'S OBVIOUSLY SO MAD!!!

The drama!!! it's just so good for my soul. Poor Nari (all hail Nari she deserves it) she just wants all her friends to be friends again and then here are Haesol and Yeonwoo going through something right after Yeonwoo and Junhyuk have rekindled their relationship.

Yeonwoo going on a whole entire ramble of denial talking about how him and Haesol are not fighting... Like sweetie... babes

You're fighting.

Haesol is jealous and you yourself are also jealous.

There are so many points of miscommunication for these two.

Talking about that alone is going to warrant its own essay (I will do it) like these two are so messy and they're messy in a way that isn't even frustrating because they can easily fix it, no they're messy in a way that is just so sensible. That's what makes it so frustrating.

You get both of their points of views and that's what makes it so much worse because you understand them both. Therefore you understand why they both are not talking about the glaring issue that is their jealousy.

It's just so good.

That last look where Yeonwoo is asking Haesol can we talk and the look on her face....

I just it's so good like oh my God she just looks so ugghh I can't even explain it. You understand what I'm talking about though.

Now you know honestly this was my favorite part of this little arc.

The reveal of how Junhyuk really got his injuries and how he actually beat that man to a pulp even though he is "crippled" like that piece of trash had all the talk in the beginning, talking about how "oh you mean Junhyuk the cripple??

Yet that cripple was the one who beat you and your gang who had weapons by the way to a bloody pulp.

LIKE WHO'S LAUGHING NOW!!!

Now I so desperately wanted him to carry out that final act and just end that piece of trash's life but hey this is not a murder mystery and this is definitely not a thriller (that's debatable) but man was that good.

Junhyuk laughed in his face when he saw that he pissed himself.

Haah!!!

I myself cackling a little.

When I saw that I was on the floor. it was so funny like for all your big talk you can't carry out anything without the people around you.

Which honestly just pisses me off more because Junhyuk is right victims are often left to deal with the consequences of other people's actions and just told to move on when all it would have really taken for this to not happen is the people around Yeonwoo shunning the bully and that bully could not have done anything.

Like let's remember that the bully was only powerful because the people in the class let him get that powerful.

All the class had to do was recognize that what he was doing was wrong and ultimately shun him and everything that happened to Yeonwoo would not have happened to him.

A simple solution but they made it 10 times more complicated because they were scared of what some guy who bullied someone in another school. Like yeah he's strong but you're a collective. the class could have simultaneously ganged up on him and made him stop and he wouldn't have been able to do anything.

Eventually the teacher would have had to step in and do something about it. (No matter how useless they are) I'm still pressed on that and I blame that entire class and the teachers for what happened to Yeonwoo.

Next chapter we're going to get some Nari and Junhyuk and I'm so here for that I love those two they are like my favorite side pairing now because I love them so much.

First comes Yeonsol than come

Junnari?

Did I just come up with their ship name???

Yes I did!!!

Now that was fun and I'm so excited for the next chapters because I read chapter 147 and I'm not going to be able to think about anything else for the rest of the week!!!

When that chapter gets translated and it comes out I'm going to go on the most diabolical rant of all time you all better be ready because I'm going to go haywire.

You all know my love for angst and this right here is prime good stuff not only is the angst delicious but the context behind the angst is even more of a scrumptious side meal.

Before I spoil anything I'm going to stop this here but this!

This story is just getting so much better and I am absolutely living.

That coupled with the new artists that have joined the fandom (check over on Twitter)

Things are looking up....

for me!!

HAHAHAHAHA

call ambulance... but not for me!!!

(Also side note but you guys can also leave your own rants and your own analysis is on what you think is happening I would love to hear what everyone else has to say. Being the only person who's posting a chapter analysis on the upcoming chapters is fun but I would also like to know what everyone else thinks. I've seen that a few people have joined the subreddit so why not jump-start the activity by making your own takes. Just be respectful)

[bestworstcase]

first paragraph of 'the shallow sea':

Long ago, before the fish had scales, before the birds had feathers, and before the turtles had shells, when our god still walked and crawled and slithered the earth, there were only Humans and animals. (And Grimm. There have always been Grimm. There will always be Grimm. But those creatures don’t figure in this story, so just put them out of your mind, if you can.)

last paragraph:

From that moment on, there have been animals, Humans, and Faunus. And the descendants of the Humans who turned away from our god’s great gift have always carried envy in their hearts. To this day, they resent us for reminding them of what they are not and what they never can be.

"only humans and animals (and grimm, but never mind them)" -> two more rhetorical "interruptions" bringing up the grimm specifically to instruct the listener not to think about them -> "now there are animals, humans, and faunus"

omitting the grimm from this paragraph—after the recurring references to them—is. an interesting thing to do given the parallelism of "humans and animals (and grimm)" / "animals and humans and faunus"

and then. "what they are not and what they never can be"

is such specific wording

"what they could never be." "what they never can be." the latter is a statement of pride in having chosen to change mingled with scorn for humans who refused to change and persecute the changed. the former…

"why spend our lives trying to redeem these humans" <- why spend our lives trying to appease the old gods and return things to the way they were before; why spend our lives resisting change.

"when we could replace them with what they could never be" <- salem has always been about overthrowing and replacing the gods, and she is also not human anymore; 'the shallow sea' is an allegory about the faunus but also it is just salem's story, a leap of faith into mystical waters that changed her into something new. and that myth is an ancient oral tradition. and in the lost fable, salem quotes its concluding lines to express her alternative path to the mandate

(which. would be in line with salem's manner of speech generally; as i've discussed before, her big speeches are rehearsed and she struggles to go off script. it makes…sense that she would fall back on quoting from an oral tradition like this in a tense moment, and in many ways 'the shallow sea' does challenge the brothers' perspective on humankind in ways that are cogent for her rejection of their mandate, so it also makes sense that salem would connect the dots)

at a minimum i think "what they never can be" signals that "what they could never be" is also not a statement of genocidal intent because… why would you end this faunus-origin myth with an almost identical phrase to salem's final words in her origin episode if she was proposing genocide, lmfao

especially when:

In the aftermath of the Great War, when Faunus settled on Menagerie, the story of a magical island made just for them has become tinged with bittersweet irony. Consequently, the story has fallen out of favor and I understand it is rarely spoken these days. This, too, influenced my to record it before it is lost to posterity.

Here I will remind you that this story—dare I say every story ever told—may still hold a kernel of truth, even if the plot details are contrived. Whatever the criticisms laid upon “The Shallow Sea,” in my opinion it still holds deep truths about Humans and Faunus that everyone should take the time to consider.

ozpin's annotations on all of these tales contain pretty fucking blatant foreshadowing, and his notes on this one flag that this myth is one of the stories that is "true" for a given value of truth. compare 'the two brothers':

Remnant survived the Great War, but while the four kingdoms now cooperate and coexist, our bond seems tenuous. We have a fragile peace, and in some ways, we are more divided than ever. Even if the gods aren’t real, even if they don’t return to judge us for our deeds, we should act each day as though they are arriving tomorrow. In the end, we will be the arbiters of our fates. We will either create a beautiful, peaceful world and live in harmony together or destroy ourselves and our planet, and the gods will judge what we have chosen.

(<- note that these and 'the hunter's children' are the only stories wherein ozpin mentions the great war; on 'the hunter's children' he "speculates" that the last king of vale based the four-huntsman teams idea on the fairytale, and his reason for invoking the specter of war after 'the two brothers' is obvious, but that leaves 'the shallow sea' as the odd one out… unless you associate the story with salem, and then ozpin's choice to emphasize that this particular story has fallen out of favor and is seldom told anymore is perhaps worth raising an eyebrow at.)

[aaeds]

I've had it with HS^2

I don't make fanart or content for this fandom anymore, but after putting on "Let's Read Homestuck" in the background while I've been working I've returned to having a few Alpha kid WIPs. I have also returned to scouring the tags for cool fanart and opinions.

This is not the fandom I remember back when I was reading the comic partway through Act 2.

I cannot say I'm inspired by Homestuck^2, and to roughly quote another user - I don't know who the audience for this comic is for. The epilogues themselves were a disaster and the Candy/Meat timeline idea appears to exist to create even more drama with lackluster stakes.

There's no real clear 'goal' or core to the story besides...the fact there are two universes. And we have Ultimate-self villains.

It reads like bad fanfiction, that's nothing new - the problem is I don't think the authors are writing with irony. The series has turned into a ship-heavy metal bat beating older fans to death with teen drama and character assassination.

The current team clearly has no interest or plans for Jade for example, and in the recent update with Aradia and Robo-Dave discussing time travel - it really seemed like her body being on the floor was an excellent time to rehash several existential conversation points we ALREADY had in the original Homestuck about stable timeloops, dead Daves and how he uses his Godtier powers.

Outside of several unnecessary pages of dialogue, it was disturbing that no part of Ultimate Dave would help move Jade off the fucking floor while he and Aradia sleep in lawn chairs watching her until she became 'The Muse' It is so out of character. Pre-retcon Dave died protecting her body, Davesprite destroyed his relationship with both John and Jade knowing they would be reunited with the 'real' Dave. He was a true knight when he felt it was appropriate and mattered. But now we have a Dave who is back to having an existential crisis about his powers, life and death - and his sexuality. By bringing up dead Dave's Marriage from the epilogues. He didn't even mention Jade by name, presuming the reader read at least the wiki article on the disastrous self indulgent mess.

But that was all he had to say on that dead Dave. Just about not loving Jade. No one else, doesn't even bring up Karkat or Terezi, let alone any of his friends. Talking about Sollux for half a second I'm convinced was just to bring up a failed marriage and apparently 'not wanting to be gay'? This isn't Dave anymore, and if that's the point I want to know why we as readers should care because I promise you coming fresh off Act 6 for the third time these are not the same characters. Davepeta had a better outlook on what it means to experience doomed selves, whether they were chipper about it because of Nepeta's influence is neither here nor there. No matter what Davesprite did, it was in character for what Dave would have done because he knows himself. When it meant self sabotage so his friends could go back to the Alpha timeline Dave, that was a circumstance, and an act any Dave would have made because of the way he thought at 13 years old. That doesn't mean he didn't change, or would never change.

I don't think the furthest ring has rattled the kids in a glass jar hard enough to give them critical brain damage through every doomed timeline that they're different people. At least not in the way Robo-Dave is, or frankly anything in the Epilogue.

I'm done with the writers treating Jade as a dead animal to stuff Calliope into for a milquetoast attempt at a plot device without treating that as a joke in itself.

No Homestuck isn't a serious comic, but there's a reason Cascade broke several websites while Beyond Canon can barely drudge a handful of tagged UPD8 replies. Its audience is small and unchallenged. We don't need to bring back the use of the hard R to be invested in a storyline, but if all you're interested in in a piece of media is gender identity and sexuality well you've got it. That said, neither are a genre on their own.

HS^2 lacks one and direction and it's just going to keep dragging its carcass through the dirt until every unseen pairing in panel is churned through the fanfic machine.

[gnawer-of-table-legs]

THE SEEKER (SOUL VOID) HEADCANONS, THEORIES, AND ANALYSIS

SPOILERS!!!! OI!!!

tw: brief self harm mention, car crashes, death, blood mention, mental health struggles (is that too vague?). Let me know if anything needs to be added.

Demi and pan

The guy ever ❤️

has a fear of failure. It’s pretty intense, but I’m not sure if it’s to the level of Atychiphobia since Atychiphobia will usually result in the individual avoiding situations in which they could fail, and he definitely doesn’t. But. It sure does come close.

if he ever played DND he’d play a neutral good wizard. It’s the research aspect for him.

probably died in the 1960s. Fedoras had begun to fall out of fashion in the 70s, so it would give him a good time period to be wearing those (the fashion died when he did 😔)

ALSO: Car safety regulations began to be a concern in the 1970s. There, manufacturers started offering airbags and anti-lock brakes, better seatbelts, etc.

quote from a source I ain’t citing: “President Johnson signed the National Traffic and Motor Vehicle Safety Act of 1966 into law on September 9, 1966”

I’d like to imagine he died right before those car safety regulations. For the Irony.

He canonically uses phrases like “post-haste” so I’m putting him in the humanities field. Maybe history major with a minor in philosophy. (Did they have majors and minors back then? Probably not in the same way we do now)

Because he died trying to get someone out of a car crash, I assume that he had been one of the people in the car when it crashed— otherwise, how would he have lost his life by just approaching the car and trying to pull people out? Sure, Fire/car exploding is possible. But since he’s shown to have glass shards stuck in the same places where his scars are, I assume that he died from the broken glass of the car -> over exerted himself trying to save others and bled out.

The Seeker is completely unaware of how many void residents stan him (we all saw the Husk’s mural of him)

(is it a mural if its on the floor?)

Probably has imposter syndrome.

bitchass motherfucker would cry at sad movie scenes (unless someone else is also crying)

some theories:

It’s been confirmed that a soul’s journey through the SV depends on the soul itself. There was a guy in the Respite Biome that described a starkly different experience than the player’s, and then came to conclusion that the journey was different for everyone. However, I still think souls can cross paths if they share something in common with other souls. So if each biome represents an aspect of the individual’s trauma, then the biomes in which the Seeker has been should give insights on his character, right? Because he talked to the Respite Entity and inspired them to make a change before leaving— and yet the Leech does not seem to have met him (with how lucid she is about her situation, she would definitely have been able to collaborate with the Seeker in some way, and yet he isn’t mentioned). Even though the Leech Biome (guilt, I think— guilt and being toxic/parasitic in relationships) is very close to the Respite in the player’s journey, the Seeker does not come across it because it is not a trauma he shares. His books do not appear there.

He and his books appear in the grasping forest (wanting something always out of reach, implied to be happiness, loss of self*), his books are in the enamel core and the veiny area (idk what these represent), the Sketchyard (feeling of not being good enough despite efforts to improve/bring joy to others), and the respite. *he is shown to be afraid of losing his sense of self, both in his journal entries and when he’s dying on the ground.

The glass shards area (before the Leeches and after the Respite) probably has to do with his death. Idk why the player can access it, unless they also have trauma relating to car crashes/etc— or maybe it’s more generic. Maybe that biome stands for broken glass or sharp things in general (sharp things and allusions to self harm appear throughout the player’s journey, along with a glass bottle that is so pivotal to their character that it is used as one of the three keys to access the Grim).

I think a big theme for his character is how talking with people who share your trauma/experiences or can relate to them can be helpful to both know you aren’t alone, and to share stories/coping methods. The Seeker is able to traverse many biomes (although not all) because he shares their trauma somewhat. This is further cemented by his ability to sense others emotions by touching them.

Not all souls who share experiences form healthy relationships, of course. Some can become unhealthy/manipulative/dependent (ahem ahem, Grim and Leech). The individual needs to take steps to maintain healthy relationships (as is with any relationship, regardless of who is involved).

@captain-will

Now that you’ve finished the game I have released the hcs

[rockinlibrarian]

why do you ship incest. adoptive siblings are still siblings

Well, of course they are, in real life. But we're talking fiction, and fiction is not about showing only the perfect and unproblematic. It's about asking what if?

Now the chances are that you, Anon, don't even follow me and aren't actually interested in my response. You've made up your mind and are only using this ask to express your disgust in the form of a question. But I think it's an interesting question, and I'm going to respond anyway.

There are many different angles to reply from. Why do I ship incest? That almost implies that I choose my ships based on whether or not they're incestuous. What you have to understand is that, in almost every instance, people who ship incestuous or even pseudo-incestuous (which I'll get to in a minute) relationships have not chosen to do so because incest turns them on. They're not saying, Hey, it's COOL to be in a romantic relationship with your sibling, EVERYONE should try it! Shipping, in fiction, is about exploring the relationship between two characters in different settings. In fact, you'll frequently find AUs of such pairings where they aren't siblings at all, allowing the writer and reader to explore the relationship without having to consider the implications of whether or not it's incestuous. Of course, I say that, even though I've never written such an AU myself. Nope, I've always addressed the issue head-on.

Which brings us to the pseudo-incest concept, which tends to be the warning tag I use on my Fiks-- because sometimes it's up for debate whether the pairing IS incestuous in the first place. Again, in real life, you are correct, adoptive siblings are still siblings, and adoptive families are REAL, often more so than their bio families would have been, and I've got a different fandom whose third season I could rant about for forgetting that canonically for reasons completely unrelated to incest (*cough*Legion*cough*). But the only ship I have that falls in this category is between two of the Hargreeves "siblings" from The Umbrella Academy, and I put the "siblings" in quotes here because in this case we are not talking about a happy little adoptive family here. We're talking about a group of children who were "adopted"-- ie purchased-- and raised in basically a military academy, not a family. In fact one of the themes of the show is that these incredibly messed-up people finally come to SEE themselves as family and love each other as family-- which they were NOT doing from the beginning. It's like chastizing couples who meet at boarding school for incest because they lived together as children. The Umbrella Academy even canonically has at least one romantic history amongst them (and I'm not particularly interested in that pairing even. The Homecoming King and Queen, eh. Has nothing on the Apocalypse and the Knight-of-Stopping-the-Apocalypse, the One Who Cries if You Step on Ants and History's Most Notorious Assassin, the ones who are simultaneously Best Friends and Nemeses-- see? INTERESTING!) Now, it is still debatable, and I don't fault anyone for saying "still too close, it's not for me," but that's different than saying "this ship is morally repugnant and therefore you are morally repugnant for not understanding that."

And then, why do I ship it? Why does anyone ship anyone? The irony of this is that I, of all people, am not a shipper. I prefer Gen fic. Even when I DO ship, I still don't like smut. And up until this particular ship, I never shipped anybody who wasn't canonically at least implied to have romantic feelings! If you go through my / tags on AO3, the vast majority of them are in fact canonically married couples. I have always been the person who rolled their eyes and said "You know, people can LOVE each other STRONGLY without it being a SHIP" at shippers. I honestly have no idea why this particular pair wants to be romantic in my head! I have never once entertained the notion that my OTHER, even bigger, favorite pseudo-sibling pair in fanfic, Cary and Kerry Loudermilk, might be romantically involved, and they are even closer, and they love each other SO SO SO SO much, and I have written SOOOOO many fics exploring THEIR relationship. And other people HAVE written slash fics about them. But I can't see it, myself. They just don't do that. And that's the way I see them. But for some reason when I try exploring Five and Viktor's relationship in the same way, the little "NOW KISS!" voice in the back of my head won't shut up. And I accept that there are many other people who do NOT have that voice, who love their relationship purely platonically and are just as sure that they don't do that as I am sure the Loudermilks don't. We can love these characters in our own ways!

Which brings me to the biggest takeaway from this question: ship and let ship. We don't know why anyone latches on to any particular ship, problematic or not. And we all have squicks and even just pairings we're not interested in-- I am not interested in a LOT of pairings, even mainstream canonical ones, especially ones that seemed to be based on hotness and turn-ons rather than personality, which there are LOADS of. There are many reasons for a person to not approve of a ship in their own opinion-- I personally have always found millennial-old immortals with young adult humans to be squicky, and never understood their widespread appeal, but even I made an exception when I fell for Jason Mendoza and Janet on the Good Place (I could write an essay about why THAT one is compelling and a perfectly good exception to the mortal/immortal issue too), so it's not even like there are hard-and-fast-rules on a person-to-person basis. There are even other reasons to find Fiktor squicky beyond their pseudo-sibling status-- the complicated (though not millennial-different) age issues (which can also be avoided through AUs or when-it-takes-place changes in setting), the fact that they've frequently threatened each other with violence-- okay maybe not FREQUENTLY, but even once could be enough of a squick for some people. But everyone's tolerance for whatever they deem squicky is different, so it's their OWN responsibility to just NOT READ that which they don't like!

Now if you HAVE been actually following my Tumblr, you'd know that the biggest social issue I tend to post about is the Freedom of Information, because I'm a librarian and it's one issue I actually have a decent amount of expertise about. The line between sensible curation and censorship can sometimes be hard to see, but it does exist, and one of the main criteria is that, when building a collection, you have to take your own opinions out of it. You can say "I don't agree with that," but as soon as you add, "and no one should have access to this thing I don't agree with," then you have problems. Because some things that some people find perfectly innocent-- like the fact that trees don't have gender-- can be seen by someone else as "dangerous indoctrination". And sometimes someone doesn't agree with something because THEY are objectively wrong-- "I don't agree with teaching the true history of slavery in the United States because it implies our Founding Fathers were imperfect"-- and you ESPECIALLY do NOT want opinions to keep FACTS from being accessible. But anyone can attempt to back up their opinions with facts, so drawing the line is really murky! So you err on the side of accessibility, not on repressing disagreeable ideas.

And AO3 is really great for this, because as long as something isn't plagiarized, it's fair game. It's your job as a READER to use the handy-dandy tags and rating system to avoid that which you don't like! And everyone can hold their own opinions about fictional characters in harmony!

tl;dr: things that are Bad in real life are not automatically bad in fiction. Ship and Let Ship.

[ingek73]

Will ‘close pals’ rally around Dan Wootton as he faces down catfishing allegations? He’d want that, surely

Marina Hyde

The GB News presenter has always offered a very tabloid form of support to celebrities in difficulty. ​They can’t desert him now

Fri 21 Jul 2023 13.03 BST

Dan Wootton, centre, standing behind Andrew Neil, with other GB News presenters in 2021.

What is the most shudder-inducing tabloid tone? I think it’s probably fake sympathy. Let’s see a master of it at work. “Danny Dyer’s friends fear he could be ‘heading down the path to sex addiction’,” sympathised Dan Wootton in the Sun in 2017. The next year, pals were fearing again – this time the possibility that the late Caroline Flack may reunite with a boyfriend. “Friends fear she is preparing to give their relationship another go,” commiserated Dan. An unnamed friend apparently told him: “Nobody wants to see her hurt.” A year after that, Dan voices “fears for Ricky Hatton” after the boxer is filmed stumbling in Tenerife. A fan supposedly tells Dan: “What a fall from grace for such a great champion.”

And so to this week’s revelations, after a Byline Times story alleged Wootton offered current and former Sun colleagues large sums of money under a pseudonym in return for sexual material. The Guardian newspaper has spoken to seven such individuals, who say they were contacted by a man named Martin Branning. (Though Wootton has not denied the allegation that he was “Branning”, the Guardian has not been able to independently establish the link between Wootton and Branning. Wootton’s lawyers have, however, made a legal complaint to Byline Times’s publisher.)

Anyhow. Pals fear the GB News presenter and MailOnline columnist could be on the brink of karmageddon after a nutso opening monologue to his show on Tuesday night. For all the seriousness of the “unspeakable” criminal allegations, at which Wootton only vaguely gestured in the course of denying them categorically, this monologue was in many ways the most mesmerisingly peculiar six minutes of TV this year. They should show it at the Baftas. It was the telly equivalent of an Only God Can Judge Me tattoo.

Behold Wootton, a sideboard made of ham, with efit eyes, dropping quotable quotes so fast there was no way you could possibly digest the last one before the next one was being gnashed out through his veneers. I want to say it was like watching a washing machine play King Lear, but I think it’s somehow even more ludicrous to say it was like watching Dan Wootton play sincere.

Still, let’s go: “Smear campaign by nefarious players … like all fallible humans, I have made errors of judgment in the past … being in the middle of this witch-hunt has made me think a lot about the sort of journalist and broadcaster I aspire to be … I mean, who doesn’t have regrets? Should I be cancelled for them many years later? Or do you accept that I have learned and changed?”

No. I don’t. I’ve seen your show and I can read your columns.

‘The tabloids’ disinclination to report on the story thus far means coverage is not coming as thick and fast as it did when, say, Dan was obsessively pursuing ITV over Phillip Schofield’s affair.’ Photograph: Paul Jeffers/AP

“Over the past few years I have grown professionally and personally,” continued this … victim statement, is it? “And I have found the meaning of true love.” Oh man. Amazing that the serial tormentor of so many women in the public eye should attempt to make this a hymn to personal growth. I don’t think – how to put this carefully? – I don’t think that line is going to hold, sir.

All in all, the spectacle of Dan Wootton begging for nuance and empathy is the heat death of irony. The two crucial things about people like Dan is that they are, without exception, monstrous hypocrites – and they also reduce the world. Their entire business is making human experience smaller. There are about six or seven basic story templates into which they believe all other people’s lives must be squeezed, whether or not they want them to be. So to find the high priest of the reductive suddenly asking for an acknowledgment of complexity feels a little much.

Others, it should be said, are asking for different things. The Sun is asking its staff to contact its lawyers if they have any information about the “very serious” claims, and not to talk to journalists(!). MailOnline is also looking into the claims.

Are they part of the “dark forces” Wootton railed at, when he cast the whole business as an attempt to cancel GB News for being “the biggest threat to the establishment in decades”? To make it super simple for Dan: GB News is not “anti-establishment”. It is a London telly channel owned by a hedge funder and an investment firm. The deputy chairman of the governing Conservative party is one of its presenters, as is a recently knighted former cabinet minister whose father was a long-serving editor of the Times.

Amusingly, though, the Wootton story was seized on by someone soon to present his own show on GB News: John Cleese. “The mainstream press must check this out,” stated Cleese, declaring that failure to do so would be “final proof of their complete corruption”. Will John’s own fearless new employers check it out? Or is Cleese himself one of the “nefarious players” trying to cancel Dan?

A lot of threads yet to unravel, it must be said. The tabloids’ disinclination to report on the story thus far means coverage is not coming as thick and fast as it did when, say, Dan was obsessively pursuing ITV over Phillip Schofield’s affair with a much younger colleague. Or indeed when his GB News co-hosts were ranting round the clock about the BBC and Huw Edwards, only for Wootton to react to news of Edwards’s hospitalisation with a poll asking “is this a crisis of the BBC’s making?”.

As we wait for developments, then, perhaps convention demands we ask: is this current situation a crisis of Dan Wootton’s making? I think the answer would have to be … friends fear so.

Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist

What Just Happened?! by Marina Hyde (Guardian Faber Publishing, £9.99). To support The Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.

Do you have an opinion on the issues raised in this article? If you would like to submit a response of up to 300 words by email to be considered for publication in our letters section, please click here.(see article)

[tobiasdrake]

Alright, time to get lunch.

*opens freezer for delicious microwaveable corn dogs*

This post made a lot of great points. I should probably write a Tumblr post about it when I get back to my computer.

Honestly, the one thing I wish more creators understood is that ultimately, the most attractive thing a story can have is sincerity. The age of irony poisoning really did a number on writers, I think. There's a common insecurity that floats around creative spaces, where people become self-conscious about their work not being liked.

*takes out the box, picks out three corn dogs, puts them on a plate.*

One thing I wish I could just tell everyone is: Don't be afraid to let your story's identity just... be. This is actually what I like about the Fast and the Furious franchise. I mean, I haven't seen past the seventh one so I don't know if it's still the case.

But these are dumb movies. Dumb, stupid movies about fast cars written by people who don't know anything about cars. They're movies about high-octane street racers spouting nonsensical technobabble who fight crime. Despite themselves being crime.

*sets the box back in the freezer, navigating it past the wontons and chicken nuggets*

But these movies know what they're about. They're about family, respect, loyalty, and ironclad bonds of brotherhood that transcend the laws of man. They aren't afraid to be cheesy or corny. They wear their hearts on their sleeves. Hard men deliver powerful speeches about their love for one another, then ramp cars out of skyscrapers to capture a Bond villain. All without an ounce of self-awareness.

It's fucking glorious. It's stupid, but it genuinely doesn't care that it's stupid, and that's what makes it refreshing to witness.

*opens the fridge, takes out the BBQ sauce*

This level of commitment is what I love to see out of media. It honestly doesn't matter if you're writing the most brilliant piece of fiction ever or if you're just writing some trash. Commitment sells. I wish more writers could commit to a story even half as hard as Tumblrinas commit to a bit, let's be for real here. Don't put that in the post, but that's the vibe.

*pours a small cup of BBQ sauce for my corn dogs*

What's that quote we like to break out every now and then? If Fin Fang Foom is trying to put everyone in his pants, then you need to sell it. You need to make your audience believe that everyone is afraid of being put in--

"Hey, Drake?"

Yes, Drake?

"Did. Uh. Did you mean to pour BBQ sauce for corn dogs?"

...what? No, I poured ketchup for my corn dogs.

"Look at the bottle in your hand, man. That is some fucking BBQ sauce you are holding."

...shit.

"You need to pay more attention to what you're doing and stop writing Tumblr posts in your brain."

Hey, that is NOT my fault. When I'm alone with my thoughts, the Thought Gremlins come out.

"You haven't nuked the corn dogs yet, have you?"

I have not, no.

"Well, I guess we're having chicken nuggets instead. Put those away."

Aww, but I was looking forward to corn dogs.

"So was I, but we can't unpour the BBQ sauce, can we?"

:( I hate ADHD sometimes.

[silverstream2]

Trigun characters as D&D races + classes, because fuck it, I'm bored.

-Vash:

Class: Cleric in the Peace Domain

God: Either Eldath or Illmater.

Race: Aasimar

-Knives:

Class: Oath of Vengeance paladin

God: Hoar

Race: Aasimar

Honestly, not sure if Hoar would take him or if Knives would end up being an Oathbreaker, given how extreme Knives gets against humans. But its the best I've got for now. Anybody else have any other ideas, feel free to add.

Also debating what subclass the lads should be. I know going Protector Aasimar for Vash is kinda the obvious choice, but I also kinda love the idea of Scourge Aasimar Vash? Not only because "you can use your action to unleash the divine energy within yourself, causing a searing light to radiate from you, pour out of your eyes and mouth, and threaten to char you" sounds METAL AS HELL, and exactly like the kind of thing that would have to preclude a warning of "Be not afraid", but also because of the deliciousness of Vash's angel powers being the ones that burn him up as badly as whoever he's fighting nearby whenever he uses them.

Which is also why I kinda love the idea of Protector Aasimar Knives- Vash's angel powers just hurt him whenever he uses them, unlike Knives' abilities (that are- he thinks- CLEARLY more useful), so therefore Knives has to be the one to protect his baby brother from himself the world everything else and keep him from hurting himself.

Just. The infantilization and gaslighting and poetic irony of it all. Yes, good.

Also this bit about Aasimar, from the Dungeon Master's Guide, "Aasimar often attempt to pass as humans in order to right wrongs and defend goodness on the Material Plane without drawing undue attention to their celestial heritage. They strive to fit into society, although they usually rise to the top, becoming revered leaders and honorable heroes."

-Wolfwood:

Race: Half- elf.

Class: Rogue (Assassin)/Cleric of the Twilight Domain.

God: Selune.

If he got to pick a god and role for himself to worship, I mean. The whole thing about the Twilight Domain is, to quote Tasha's Cauldron of Everything,

"The twilit transition from light into darkness often brings calm and even joy, as the day's labors end and the hours of rest begin. The darkness can also bring terrors, but the gods of twilight guard against the horrors of the night.

Clerics who serve these deities [...] bring comfort to those who seek rest and protect them by venturing into the encroaching darkness to ensure that the dark is a comfort, not a terror."

Also something something, Twilight Domain lets you fly at 6th level with Steps of Night for 1 minute per your proficiency bonus, if your in dim light and darkness. Something something, Vash's angel powers don't give him wings/the ability to fly (but Knives' does), so Wolfwood could let Vash borrow his.

-Meryl:

Race: Human

Class: Rogue (Inquisitive)

-Milly:

Race: Halfing (Stout)

Class: Cleric in the Life Domain.

God: Cyrrollalee

Honestly wasn't sure what class to put Milly in, but this is my best guess besides maybe some type of Fighter.

[syeunko]

God's in his heaven - all's right with the world

Now that I’m back, people ask me all the time, “How does it feel to be back in Boston?”

I tell them, “It feels weird. Boston is so familiar, but a lot of things have changed too.”

This is mostly a (white) lie. I may be from Virginia, but Boston is my home. It’s just me, I’ve changed.

For example, today before church, I was sitting at Life Alive across the T station, where I could kind of see the real-time transit information display. “Gout Ctr, 5 min.” Gout center? Is that a new green line T stop? GOUT??? Only to figuratively smack my forehead far too many seconds later - Government Center. I couldn’t believe I’d taken that long to realize, a surefire sign I’d been gone two years. 

I checked the time, wondering when I should leave to get to church on time. The thought of finding someone to walk in with flitted across my mind, but I couldn’t be bothered enough to do anything about it, in the same way I didn’t care anymore about having to introduce myself and say hello to people before the sermon. I lazily wondered why I used to dread that so much, it seemed so silly now. So painfully minute in the grand scheme of things, maybe because of my time at Maple and NY, where I’d frequently talk to different people in different settings.

Yesterday, I bought a yoga mat, and guess what - I was genuinely excited about it. I wonder if something just suddenly clicks in your head when you’re older. I’ve been showering as soon as I come home (and everyday), setting aside daily time to clean my room (I love my room), journaling/praying, and moving around more. I am a chronic dish-washer-procrastinator, but for some reason whenever I put my dirty dishes in the sink, Junwon has been annoyingly popping up in my head. I then channel his deep-set aversion to delayed dish-washing and scrub-a-dub those plates clean. Easy. 

I drink less coffee because I realized it makes me anxious. I realized it made me anxious by listening to my body and paying attention to how I feel. I can discern these things because I now know what a normal, healthy routine feels like on my body. 

Did something magically click in my head, or am I freed from crippling depression? I’m inclined to lean towards the latter. Because things are still hard, but it feels different.

Aside from the first question, this question surprisingly comes up too: “Where are you going to go next?”

To be honest, I feel flattered people think I’m someone who would easily toggle between places, traipsing around as I please. 

I respond honestly, though. “I don’t know where else I’d go. I think I’ll be in Boston a while.”

Yesterday, my mom cried. She cried and cried and cried. I watched her, shocked into silence, willing myself to not cry. 

Instead, I burned and burned and burned on the inside and my heart churned and twisted. The tears went so far back in I couldn’t cry even when I wanted to later. 

Today, Grace wept for my mom. Granted, she was already crying (lol), but she cried and cried some more. 

Where else would I go? Where else can I find communitypeople like this, friends who cry for your family in your stead? 

If you ask me if I regret having gone home, my answer is still no. If it helped my mom and Logan in any capacity, it was worth it. Because "love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (1 Corinthians 13:7) And I bore a lot, believed and believe still, have abundant hope, and will continue to endure.

The last line of Anne of Green Gables is, “God’s in his heaven, all’s right with the world.” It’s been one of my favorite phrases ever since I read it as a kid; I found it to be so wistful and hopeful. 

I didn’t know it actually originated from the poem ‘Pippa Passes’ by Robert Browning until recently. 

There are multiple interpretations, but I like this one: “Those last two lines are often quoted to signify naïve optimism and innocence, and often with bitter irony, but in the play they come as a timely reminder of purity and righteousness in a fallen world.” In the same vein, another person wrote: “in the context of that poem, there is much that is not right in the world, but even in the midst of all that is wrong, still there are moments of beauty when all does indeed seem right.”

And that's exactly how I feel now. God’s in his heaven - all’s right with the world.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Finished listening to the Peacock & Gamble podcast today. 84 episodes, and it was remarkably good for a lot of them. I felt like it took a little while to get going, and then tailed off a bit toward the end, especially as they got busier with other things and started seeming more tired/frustrated and having less fun, but then came back with a few really really good ones right at the end, as I think often happens with things like this. It’s good, and then it hits a rough patch as they run out of steam, and then when they realize it’ll be over soon anyway and they don’t have to keep this up forever, they find a bit of momentum again.

It was very funny. I sort of feel like I’ve misrepresented it on this blog, referring to it so often as The Gross and Tasteless Joke Podcast, as it is difficult to find clips that seem acceptable to share or quote on Tumblr, it was a different time with different understandings about irony. But it wasn’t mainly defined by being offensive, it was mainly defined by being incredibly silly and childish in a very funny way. And that was a lot of fun to listen to for about 44 hours. Well, it was a lot of fun to listen to for about 39 hours. Not 100% solid gold. But mostly good.

I finished that and listened to a couple of their out-of-character interviews, which was very interesting and cleared up some stuff about the previous podcast, which was significantly more offensive but also almost entirely a construct. I realize I’ve referenced several times on this blog, without context, their claim that Ed Gamble bit a guy on the arm and drew blood. They actually claimed that he’d done that, as well as hitting him in the face with his knee and giving him a nose bleed. I’d like to clarify that I was completely sure, when I first heard that bit, that they were lying about it as they were about most things. It was just when they started the next episode and made what sounded like fairly casual comments, as opposed to the over-the-top acting they did when they were obviously pretending to do something, about him having a bandage on his arm, that made me think I guess it’s possible that they could have meant to be pretending the week before but it got out of hand and he really did get hurt.

Though by the time I’d finished the podcast and heard even more of the lengths they were willing to go to pretend to be doing horrible things (that was the entire premise of the podcast, two guys pretend to do horrible things to another guy, which I realize is now the domain of a thousand horrible unfunny prank shows, but they did it in 2007, before everyone else ruined it), I was convinced that they were quite capable of putting in an untrue lie about him having a bandage on, and nothing had really happened. Then the other day I listened to an interview, in which they confirmed that actually, one of the few horrible things that had happened for real was Ed really had hit the guy in the face with his knee. So I was right, to think that in that scene, it sounded like pretend violence had got out of hand. Just not in the way I’d thought, which should have been obvious, because it’s a lot easier to accidentally hit someone in the nose than to accidentally bite them on the arm.

The interviews mainly lined up with what I’d assumed when I first listened to it, that most of it was made up, though it seems to have been a more carefully planned fiction that I’d thought. I did read an interesting post on the Patreon about how the different time made a difference, how anyone listening to it now would assume they’d just faked everything, because it’s so common today for people to do staged prank shows that no one actually thinks are real. But in 2007, apparently, some people listened and thought none of it was planned at all, because this wasn’t happening so much then. Which must have been pretty wild for anyone listening because, I mean, quite a bit of that stuff is illegal. You can’t commit crimes and release the evidence on a podcast.

They did genuinely make Ed Gamble liveblog pornography though, I’m still convinced that was real because someone would have checked those videos and picked them up on it if they were wrong. Something that amazingly, there are videos of Ed Gamble doing that again going around Tumblr this week. Can’t imagine he thought his career would come back around to liveblogging pornography on a podcast again, 16 years later. This time on a podcast hosted by two guys whom I’m booked to see in Edinburgh because I like their actual comedy, but I tried listening to their podcast ages ago and couldn’t get into it, and the clips going around of what goes on in that podcast makes me pretty sure I’m not missing much by ignoring it. I don’t need to hear any more Ed Gamble liveblogging pornography than I’ve already heard, thank you.

Anyway, I feel slightly weird writing posts about this podcast because I know I’m writing for basically no one, pretty sure no one here has listened to these, and usually if I’m writing about something for which no one will have context I justify it by saying I’m writing this to recommend that other people check it out, but in this case I don’t recommend that at all, absolutely don’t listen to either of those podcasts. But I had a lot of fun with the Peacock and Gamble one. Made me laugh out loud on the bus, to the point of people turning to look at me, probably just over 15 times. Also gave me the next experience, one time and for the only time ever with any podcast, of making me wince so hard on the bus that the guy beside me turned to look at me. And I couldn’t just say, “Sorry, it’s just… sorry this man from Lancashire has just told me something about his imagined sexual exploits that’s made me figuratively curl up in a ball in horror so hard that I’ve accidentally literally curled up a bit, enough for you to notice, my apologies.”

But like I said, it’s mainly about the very silly and childish comedy, the fact that it’s also wildly offensive is just a garnish. I suppose they disprove something I said a few months ago now, that double acts aren’t particularly funny if there’s no proverbial straight man role. I guess you could argue that Ed is the straight man as he took the role a bit more often, but they mainly just passed the idiot ball back and forth and frequently both held it at once.

I’ve also gone through all kinds of their little video and audio extras and live show stuff, some of which have been very funny, and it’s given me a chance to sort out a whole big comedy folder all categorized and labeled, which is a great hobby of mine, comedy admin. This is a highly challenging level of comedy admin, trying to organize a bunch of files that often didn’t even have a year attached to them, much less a specific date. Given that, it is helpful that Ed Gamble looked extremely different in 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, and 2014, so I was able to date a few videos from that. And estimate months based on the length of Ian Boldsworth’s hair. I finally got my folder properly organized last night so I’m pleased about that.

Anyway, I’ve now got the 2012 and 2013 Edinburgh podcasts, which have guests so that’s fun. I like radio and podcast things that turn into audio diaries of old Edinburgh Festivals. And of all the guests they’ve had across both years, I think only one is now a convicted sex offender, which all things considered could be worse (as in they could have had more than one… not, you know, that it’s not bad). And I have gone ahead and downloaded all their FUBAR Radio episodes, to listen to at the end of that, because I don’t think the above paragraph could have made it any clearer that I’ve gone full completist on this. The FUBAR Radio episodes that, based on what I’ve read about them from a few different sources, apparently consist entirely of Ray Peacock having a breakdown. Which I’ve worked out is how all these things end up. I’ve checked with enough of them, and I can confidently say that if you start at the beginning and completist-ly/chronologically go through all the work of a comedy double act, it will end with one of them getting significantly more successful and the other having a breakdown. Every time. If you think it hasn’t happened with a particular double act, they just haven’t gotten to the end yet. This is also true of every single other type of relationship.

Oh, one more thing! So, in that original podcast, at one point, Ray Peacock did a whole speech advertising a new album by this guy Paul Heaton. A speech that I completely tuned out the first time, because I just assumed it would be metal music, as in those years I got the impression that Ed Gamble had cribbed most of his personality off this guy and I figured they shared the music taste as well, and I’m not really in the market for new metal music. But at the end of the episode, they played a bit of a song that sounded so good that I Googled the lyrics to try to find it. Nothing came up, so I used Shazaam, and it identified it as a Paul Heaton song, which I realized must be the guy mentioned earlier, so I went back and actually listened to the speech.

This made it clear that if I’d listened the first time I’d have known it wasn’t metal music, because he said this guy was in The Beautiful South, a band I know a tiny amount about because Russell Howard and Jon Richardson used to talk about/play them, in particular the one time they used their song Liar’s Bar to turn one of their little robot sketches surprisingly poignant (see my above point about where all double acts end  up), and that is definitely not metal music. Anyway the point is I liked the song so I looked it up on YouTube, couldn't find it, I checked Bandcamp, not there. Ray Peacock had advertised it on the podcast by saying it’s on iTunes, but when I looked it wasn’t there, because just because something was true in 2008 does mean it’s true anymore. But I liked this song so much that I got the name of the CD off Ray Peacock’s speech, found that CD for relatively cheap on eBay, and ordered it as though it were 2008.

The CD arrived the other day and I’m obsessed with it. It’s so good. I’ve had various songs off it stuck in my head for several days now. I really wanted to share some of it and was annoyed that I can't just post a YouTube link like I normally would to share a song, and I could just upload an mp3 but I feel a bit like I shouldn't do that - I will will share things uploaded by other people but I have some standards about what I'll upload to share publicly myself and try to avoid doing that with things other people could be paying an artist for, even though that doesn't make sense in this case because I didn't pay the artist for that work, I ordered it off eBay, and there isn't a way to pay the artist for this work anymore, I checked pretty carefully.

However, having said that, I checked just now and it turns out the whole album is on YouTube, but not available in Canada. I don't know what the scope is, but the videos don't appear when my VPN is off, and they do appear when it's set to be in the States. So if anyone is reading this in the States and wants to listen to some good music from 2008 by a guy who was in The Beautiful South and does not make heavy metal, here are my favourite couple of songs off that album.

Well this post has not done a good job of staying on topic. The point is that no one should ever listen to this podcast.

[sinkableruby]

OUGI STAY DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY WOO

yay ok so basically i have a lot of thoughts about this fic and i kinda crafted it painstakingly so im gonna point out some stuff i like about it wee (btw go read it if you havent already) (oh but like. so spoilers. soooo spoilers. of course.) (wrote this awhile ago but i just wrote that analysis post so i feel i might as well just post it now. might do a part 2 with some other misc stuff too)

the leaves - this was funny because, i wanted to have like a recurring symbol throughout the fic, and i kinda felt like writing some prose for it, even as i figured it would annoy some readers and not really fit ougi (well, that much, ougi is pretty flexible). however it would be very fitting for ougi if she used it to break the fourth wall immediately, and so it sort of became a joke in that sense. but what that paragraph says still stands! the symbol is still very real... to be blunt: ougi is the leaf. woah crazy to be less blunt: araragi's symbol throughout the series is the tree. the gi in his name means tree for fucks sake (this is also why i put that footnote in there!). ougi is not a tree, but she's not separate from it either. she's a branch-off from it, hence she is the leaf. and she needs to seek comfort from the cold uh oh! i'll get into this more later

on moving on - ougi fails to get araragi to do so. of course, it had to happen this way, because that's the whole impetus of zoku owarimonogatari, and i wanted this fic to be something you could insert into canon without really disrupting much of anything. but that's not the only reason she fails. she reflects on it, wondering if her approach was wrong, or if maybe staying over made him more attached, but i have my own theory on why: ougi couldn't convince araragi to move on because she had also not moved on. we see araragi in zoku not feeling ready to leave behind his high school self, holding regrets for what happened. ougi is just as full of this regret, regret she couldn't find somewhere to call her own. and she is holding on to the past just as much as he is! she's struggling to find a new paradigm for the whole fic! she keeps catching herself before she criticizes araragi too hard! she's putting off thinking about what the hell she's going to do next with her life! she's just as not ready to move on as he is! they are mirrors of each other because of course they are!

place to stay - well, the fic is called ougi stay so i should talk about this. i will just mention that it is canonical that ougi's regret in zoku owari is not having found a home. it's super glossed over because nisioisin is allergic to delving into ougi's character for some reason, so i wanted to expand it a little with this fic. anyway, the araragi residence is warm and welcoming and lively and happy, which, in a moment à la sodachi, only serves to remind ougi how much of an outsider she is. "it's not actually her home," she says at the beginning, and she keeps reiterating that she's a "guest" at their house. so when she's exhausted all her thoughts about her problems, little doubts start to creep in, and then she's stuck feeling bad about how she has no home again, oops. and then in a moment of cruel universal irony, she is given a "home" in the form of the mysterious classroom she ambiguously created. and trapped there. alone. for like longer than a full day. nisioisin why did you do this actually this was pretty mean. really mean actually what the fuck i guess it is fitting for ougi who is a User of Irony™, and also because, if you will notice, ougi is detached from ougi's narration. THIS WAS VERY INTENTIONAL AND I LIKE IT A LOT. it kind of parallels ougi's detachment from their self. quotes from zoku owarimonogatari here: [ougi to araragi] "Well, you foolishly saved me from being absorbed by the darkness, didn't you? "My uncle supported that decision, but it's not like the specialists were unanimously on board. "There's probably plenty of notables who think it would have been best if something as dangerous as me had disappeared. "I'm one of them, incidentally. "But this time, I functioned as your failsafe. "It proved that there was value in you keeping me alive." i'm sure this way of viewing yourself is not problematic in the slightest and will have no consequences down the line but yea there's a kind of detachment in how ougi talks about themself. "there are notables who think i should have disappeared. by the way i am one of those people" is what they say, not, "i think i should have disappeared." they're viewing themself from the point of view of a specialist here, not from the point of view of... themself. and yeah sure its their job but holy shit ougi. are you ok??????? i think there was already value in you being alive just by you being alive but you know. you could also say this is ougi's perspective as an oddity, which can be very function-oriented, or rather they have to be because there's a big asshole black hole that will swallow them up if they're not. but ougi has a self now (i mean didn't she always) and is safe, at least for the time being, and so should not still be thinking like this in my opinion!!!!!!!! or have been thinking it at all in the first place :( so yeah that's the point behind the detached narration. it's the "but that's not in character for me, so i won't do it" and the general fourth wall breaking. a kind of ironic detachment to parallel ougi's detachment from her self, and how that detachment is kind of not good for her! (and i mean, doesn't it just kind of fit for ougi to narrate like this. i mean how else would she do it, really.) there's a really interesting line in onimonogatari episode 4's audio commentary, with nadeko and ougi. in the scene at the end of the episode where ougi shows up, ougis like ok feel free to switch back to the main commentary now and nadekos like ! but! but look it's the scene! it's the scene! and ougis like huh? wym? 'me? (literally says たしが？instead of わたしが？) and then says i'm not the kind of character who gets embarrassed or excited when i appear on screen. i end up seeing myself as someone else. perhaps self detachment is something you can expect to learn when your existence is originally defined as inherently tied to someone else's. but that's probably, not, necessarily, a good, thing! and it shouldn't stay like that forever, at the very least. that leads us into the next point. we go from self-detachment into...

beddy bye - eepy ougi.... guys did you notice that right after ougi tells araragi that sleep means changing she falls asleep despite saying she can't. did you notice. did you ougi understands she can build a self through experience but then disregards it because she can keep working either way and technically doesn't Need it. this is the opposite of character development :)! because for ougi to say what she says in zoku i can't imagine she would have been able to come to any healthy conclusions about herself the main thing she's been doing that i'm critiquing is disregarding herself, detaching from herself, not taking care of herself, basically. but for just a moment, she sees herself (araragi) cold and shivering and shes like. ok fuck it just one time is fine. and she gets comfort from him too, in the form of warmth, and the sound of life. (it's also important that araragi is asleep because it centers her more. he's technically not doing anything, and its more of a soliloquy for ougi-- her comforting herself, if only by a technicality) one of my favorite things about these two is that you can really notice how similar they are. araragi's got his insane self-sacrificial bent the whole series, and nearly cops to it again in ougi dark. ougi in ougi dark is doing some insane self sacrifice kind of thing! hey! it's almost like these two are the same person... and it applies here too. these two are silly and take care of themselves easier when it's done through the proxy of their doppelgangers. well, it works for now. ougi makes the first step of reaching out to herself, even if it is a very very small step. and just that tiniest act of checking up on herself, just the smallest teeniest act and experience of self-comfort makes her realize oh i am so fucking tired actually. it's no coincidence that her taking care of herself comes in the form of sleep-- sleep is change. she's changing. there's still hope for her, she has the ability to learn to take care of herself better. like, she really really really needs to sleep. to rest. has she even rested in the six months since she was born? she's always fucking rushing everywhere, on the grind, girlbossing, etc, yes haha, but like seriously. she's neglecting this very basic thing. people can't just work nonstop for 6 months and be fine. i mean hell last night she almost fucking died. and was very scared, actually. and had an emotional outburst, for the first time in her life, got so mad she couldnt even do her smiley ougi thing. got so mad and hurt that she, despite all her eloquence and composure, actually stuttered, actually broke her cheery monotone and let the raw hurt into her voice. and then got saved and had no idea wtf was going on and everything was just a tumultuous mess. so she's got that on top of those 6 months, and god that would fucking drain you! you almost DIED. FOREVER. not going to hell. you almost DIED.

my favorite line of the fic is "The magnitude of six months, bearing down on me." because yeah. god. just the sheer force. the weight. the scale. how far it reaches, the extent. of everything. it just hits you. six months. six fucking months do you know how long that is??? i cannot stress this enough. six months and the only six months you've ever known. six months and that would have been the end of your whole life. six months!!!!!!!!!!! i wouldn't be able to move under that weight either girl i woulda just blacked out and i wouldnt be surprised if this was not just a "holy fuck i'm so tired" moment but also a "holy fuck i'm alive. i didn't die" kind of moment. because ougi is just kind of pondering it vaguely and distantly in especially the beginning of the fic, but idk if it's quite hit her at that point yet yk. but yeah. the moment is a radical shift for ougi not because it's instant change, it's not like instantly ougi gets better. that's not how it works. but ougi does START to get better here. and that kind of hope is what ougi and ougi's arc is about, to me. you help others come to terms with their lives. bad things happen, people fall to darkness, but they survive, they find a way, they figure it out. you don't disappear, you aren't erased; you get to be you. you get to live.

[jamalgerald]

50 Things I Learned About Leading A Big Team

Good day! How you do?

I thought it would be good to write about my experience working with a big team. I’ll forever be grateful for everything that everyone has contributed to the process. And let me be clear, it wasn't all doom and gloom when working on JUMBIE. But you know, as they say, there is the good, the bad and the ugly. Let’s be grown about this, there is no such thing as the perfect process. I’m writing this because I don’t think I’ve read many things about messy creative processes. And it’s time that people start being more brutally honest about it.

There were a bunch of things that happened in the 5-week creation period, 2 COVID cases, someone having long COVID, someone having a long term illness and needing surgery, an injury, a dental emergency, and someone’s family member passing away. All of that alone is a lot, which led to a necessary cancellation. But there was way more.

We were resurrecting the Jumbie dance, a trance ritual. One element of the Jumbie dance was healing, the irony. It is something that no longer exists. There is no footage of it online anywhere, there is only one book on it. I was mostly working from the one book, journals that mentioned the Jumbie dance briefly, and what I was told by Montserratian people in interviews.

I would have benefited from having more time to sit with my research and ideas. 2 years wasn't enough. There was also an element of decolonising going on and I don't think some members of the team were ready for it. The fact that the work didn't happen, and the Jumbie dance was done in secret is fascinating. And something I will further explore in the future, as my ancestors didn’t want this particular public performance. Something written and kept in the archives is probably more fitting.

Me writing and sharing this is a part of my learning and healing. If you can't handle the truth, please stop reading. I’m already known for speaking my mind anyway. There's a side to every story, and this is my side. So, let's get to it. I started my practice off as a solo artist. I have now transitioned into becoming an artistic director of my own company. Going from working in mostly small teams to leading a process that had multiple collaborators and performers is such a big jump.

There was a clash of experiences and backgrounds for sure, as people had different expectations of what a process should be. My company Dudaan currently consists of me and my producer. With some support here and there but that was it. My team for JUMBIE had 16 people.

There were also some other people I had to deal with outside of the team. This team needed a team behind it. To me, it’s unrealistic to put all of that work on a new company that is only still a baby.

Another reason I’m writing this blog post is that I would hate for anyone to go through what I went through. I’m also leaving names out and making some things quite vague because I’m a decent human being.

I'm in no way innocent. Here are some of the bad things I’ve done:

- I gave up. With all that went on, I was overwhelmed. I also didn't feel like the performers were listening to me. Although, I felt I gave a lot. From emails including Google docs of the breakdown of all my research to a creation period plan to the dramaturgy of energies to my intentions for the work to useful quotes. Some of these were even printed out and put on the walls in the rehearsal space. After all of this, and the things I shared with them and repeated in the space, it just wasn't sticking with them. But they would listen to other people in the team. So, I thought it would be best for other people to engage with them instead of me. Not the wisest decision, but it felt right to me. I was also scrolling through socials on my iPhone a bit too much, after giving up. I should have been giving the performers my full attention. But as I said, I gave up.

- I got some anonymous feedback from the performers. Because I needed clarity on what they needed going forward. I didn't get what I wanted from the feedback. But I was told there was anxiety in the room. And that I take things too personally and get very defensive. Because of this, I needed time to figure out how to communicate with the performers. And it hurt to receive the feedback because I set up Dudaan to create brave and safe spaces for Black queer artists.

I still engaged with the performers. But I probably wasn't doing enough to everyone else’s standards. I was talking to my mother about being told that I make the performers anxious. And she asked: “why because you're a Black man?” At first, I didn’t think that was the case. But now after doing some reflecting, I believe that was the case. As I doubt the performers have been led by many Black men before.

And now onto the main part of the blog.

Here are the 50 things I learned:

Leading a team is like being a parent. Some people don't stop being children.

2) Be mindful of the way you express yourself. And I hate to say that because it may come across like I’m saying police yourself. I’m not! Don’t police the way you speak to make other people feel comfortable. However, some people can’t handle bluntness, but I would argue if someone can’t handle the way you express yourself, they shouldn’t be working with you. Honestly, I did the bare minimum, I never disrespectfully cussed at anyone, rarely raised my voice and I was told there was anxiety in the room. I feel that I was vilified for being a Black man. The space was giving anti-Blackness because I couldn’t be myself.

3) Just because someone wouldn’t lead the way you would, or make work the way you would, doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.

4) Take accountability for things that were in your control, nothing else. Don’t expect other people to take accountability, though.

5) People bring their anxiety, trauma and insecurities into the room and project them onto you. If you’re not a professional, there is nothing you can do besides be patient.

6) If you’re feeling shit, you’re allowed to feel it. Don’t pretend to be happy all the time. That’s unhealthy.

7) You’re not a terrible person if you want to have lunch by yourself. I’m an ambivert. I can be outgoing but I like my space and peace when I’m at work.

8) Only apologise if necessary. Apologising can sometimes cause more harm than good.

9) Snakes exist. Watch your back. I was told that I created an unsafe and toxic environment. And that there was anxiety in the room. I found this puzzling as there was an intimacy co-ordinator. I and the performers discussed what they are not comfortable doing. I took it in and accepted it. One performer said I never caused them any harm. And then another performer said they’ve rarely been anxious in the process, and asked who said that? Hmm. Interesting.

10) Have boundaries in place. This will be different for each person.

11) Making work in a pandemic is not the one. I hate having a plan B, but having a plan B will be so beneficial since we’re currently in a pandemic.

12) Expect to kiss ass a lot. People love to be complimented all of the time. Some people are not secure within themselves and need constant validation. But also collaborators could be out of their comfort zone and need reassurance that they're doing a good job.

13) Consider leadership of giving, instead of leadership of expectation. You may think you have given a lot, but continue to give more.

14) Just because something isn't clear to someone, doesn't mean it’s not clear. Some people are slow. Some people need time to catch up, even if it may take up until the last week of rehearsal. If someone says “none of this makes sense!” in the last week of rehearsal, you probably should’ve never worked with them in the first place.

15) If your project is ambitious be aware there could be bias, jealousy and resentment in the room. I say that because I'm a young, Black, queer, artistic director of my own company, and got just over 50k from Arts Council to make something, as well as commissioned on top of that. People be salty.

16) If you need to have a bitch, only bitch to someone that is completely outside of the process. Don't bitch to your colleagues.

17) People have certain views on power, and once you have it, people will treat you differently because of it. That's what comes with levelling up. But I felt powerless in my process.

18) Don’t work with friends. There can be a blurring that can become dangerous. And they might not take you seriously as a leader.

19) Making work is vulnerable and people show their vulnerabilities in different ways.

20) White people’s whiteness will pop out eventually. You may think you found good white people, ha. Watch it.

21) All skin-folk ain’t kinfolk. I thought my people (Black people) would have my back. I was wrong. Only two out of the seven did.

22) Just because someone says they can do something doesn’t mean they can. I thought I was working with people that could devise, they knew it was a devised process, it was mentioned in their contracts, but I kept getting looks from people like they were Alice in Wonderland. People lie because they want to be a part of something.

23) Work with people that already have an interest and experience engaging with African diaspora religions and BDSM. A lot of people are not about that life.

24) Some people are still very much colonised whether they realise it or not. People are freaked out about engaging with the dead. If you come across people like this, don’t work with them.

25) It doesn't take one person to create a toxic environment. It's a group effort.

26) People show up to work all the time, but it doesn't mean that their heart is truly in it.

27) Trust your gut. Don't let people gaslight you.

28) Repetition is necessary. However, if you’re still talking about that same thing in week 4 of the process, it’s starting to become a piss-take. I came across this lovely quote on Instagram:

“Stop over-explaining yourself.

If they wanted to understand, they would.” - The Pulp Girls

29) Work with people you are compatible with. Think of it as a romantic relationship, if it's working, yay. If it's not, it's not. It's time to move on.

30) If you check out mentally, don't let anyone try and take over the process, especially if you're Black and they are white. Watch out for the coloniser!

31) Not every idea needs to be a collaborative process. Some things just might be for you alone, and that’s okay. Fuck sharing shit with everyone. Because not everyone deserves it.

32) Mental health is tricky. There were access forms sent out to the team members. And no one mentioned issues with mental health, even though it was evident that it was present in the process. Some people will have difficulty being honest about any issues they have with mental health and that’s fine. People need things, but not everyone knows what they need.

33) Don’t take on too much. I was the lead artist, co-director and performer. I also took on some other roles when people couldn't come into the space due to illness, etc.

34) Things may seem way worse to other people than they do to you. And then here comes the white saviour to save the day because they think the space is unsafe due to their issues.

35) Listen. Don't take things personally and try not to get defensive. But expect people to take things personally and to get defensive.

36) If your mental health starts to take over - STOP. No work is worth this amount of stress. I nearly checked into a mental institution.

37) Don’t let people overstep their roles. No seriously, don’t. People get excited and carried away.

38) People have an agenda and will project their views onto things.

39) Make compromises but not to the point where you become numb to the work.

40) Have a mediator and therapist present in the process from the beginning. You can’t hold everything.

41) Trust in people but mostly trust in yourself. People are fickle.

42) People will bitch to you about one person, although will point the finger at you with them in a group setting.

43) You can always benefit from having more time and money. If you need more flexibility around when your work can be made, then you need more flexibility. Don’t work on an organisation’s schedule, work around what is best for you and the work.

44) Not everything is your job. But expect to be blamed for things that are not your job.

45) I thought that since I was working with adults, I shouldn’t have to check up on them to make sure they are doing their job. But I’ve learnt that you have to check up on people, even if they agreed to do some work by signing a contract. Line management is vital.

46) People find it difficult to express themselves. Create something that will help make it easier for them.

47) High school never ends. People change once they start getting closer to other people.

48) Don't be surprised that secret conversations about you are happening. I had a feeling this was going on, next thing you know I was having a conversation where my character was assassinated. I was unfairly compared to Chris Goode because I checked out of the process, and stepped back slightly from engaging with the performers. I was told that the process is like a Chris Goode process. For those of you who don't know, he was a theatre maker, who was an abuser, and predator and later was outed as a paedophile after he committed suicide. Even though I wasn't called those awful things, to me, you can’t separate the man from the process. And no one did or said anything to defend me, which led to me crying hysterically.

49) Don’t be surprised if you get ganged upon. If you ever feel unsafe in your process, do whatever it takes to protect yourself. Take from that what you will.

50) If anyone said or did something wrong to you in a process, never speak to them again. Okay, that was quite extreme. But make sure to take as much space from them as humanly possible.

This list is quite long. But the struggle was real. I am still learning and growing. This process has helped me become wiser in my approach to making work in the future. And I am determined to come back stronger. This is my experience, not saying this will be the same for anyone else.

I hope I haven't put anyone off of leading a big team. If you want to do this, I believe in you. Just make sure you have all of the support, time and the right team around you because I didn’t. And remember that you're human, not Superman, even if people want you to be.

J xx