#sidenote I love that I’ve been on T for 2 and a half weeks and am noticing early changes (bottom growth; skin texture changes)

[isdalinarhot]

I like cis Dalinar 4 trans Sadeas for breeding kink reasons….. but I also like t4t sadalinar for depraved horny transsexual reasons…….. all I know is cis4cis sadalinar is for cowards and weirdos

[insomniactalks]

I've been thinking about/meaning to write this meta for several months, even before making a Tumblr LOL. 😅 I finally found the time this week, so here we go, folks! The main point of this meta: Portwells, I think we should prepare for a possible love confession for EJ and Gina by the S3 finale. Why? Keep reading! 😚 (I'll be analyzing episodes 1.10-2.12 and a bit of S3 bts for this meta. This is deff super long. Read at your own risk! 😓🤣 Sidenote: I think I’m getting the hang of this gif-making haha😁)

1.10: "Breaking Free"

Here’s the stanza that Ricky and Nini are singing when we see EJ and Gina talking about the plane ticket in the S1 finale:

More than hope, more than faith

This is truth, this is fate

And together we see it comin'

More than you, more than me

Not a want, but a need

Both of us, breakin' free 

I’ve bolded certain lines and phrases I wanna focus on. While Rini are singing these lines, Portwell are further solidifying the fact that they are a unit, a team, a fact established as early as 1.02. They are “team Wonderstudies” (2.06) after all, and while they both contentedly watch what they’ve done (meaning Gina got Ricky back in the show and EJ stepped aside for Nini to choose her Troy), they stand as a team. I believe at some point in 1.09 and 1.10, both EJ and Gina knew deep down that Nini and Ricky were always gonna choose each other. So they had to let them go. Doing the right thing was about “more than you, more than me” for EJ and Gina b/c they ultimately put their selfish goals aside for the ppl they care about. As Gina thanks EJ for “buying her the plane ticket,” the last three lines are being sung in the background. Bringing her back for opening night was more than just EJ wanting to look good in the public eye (which is what he was tryna do with his Instagram confessionals LOL). It’s a private conversation b/t the two of them where Gina quietly thanks EJ for his kindness and he simply says it wasn’t “fair for her to miss all this.” The “both of them” are finally “breaking free” by that point, together, whether they know it or not. They even look at each other at the exact same time while Nini sings “together” in the background!           

2.01: "Something in the Air" and Happy Ever After

Here’s the exact stanza EJ and Gina sing in the video/song:

The end and the beginning of another year

Takin' in the memories that we've made right here

The tree is goin' up

And my roots are goin' down

All around I'm feelin' it

Are you feelin' it?

I’ve once again bolded the lines I wanna focus on. While Gina and EJ 1.0 is in the past, the first half of S2 (and the new year) sees the two of them struggling with old habits. Thankfully, by 2.05 and 2.06, EJ and Gina are embracing and loving the support around them from the other Wildcats and are slowly but surely opening up to them. They no longer operate as strong-minded independent individuals, interested in their own selfish desires, they are now real team-players, having the Wildcats’ backs. The “feeling it” lines could refer to the “it” as the love and support from their friends, or the holiday spirit, etc. In my opinion, for the purposes of this meta, I think the “feeling it” lines are referring to future love between Portwell, esp b/c they sing the last two lines together. Besides Seblos, Gina and EJ are the only ones to walk down the stairs in the video. Gina is a little ahead of EJ (just like in their character arcs hehe) but EJ eventually catches up and they meet at the landing, together. Also, Gina crosses her hands over her chest (heart?) as she sings those lines (“I’m feeling it”):

Gina also sings about “finding happy ever after” right besides EJ in the “HSM 2 Medley”:   

Maybe she finds her happy ever after by the S3 finale (*hint hint clue clue* LOVE CONFESSION!!!)? She even looks in EJ’s direction as she says it.    

2.05: EJ Opens His Eyes to Love

After dropping by the AV Club for a few weeks, EJ is tasked by Mazzara to “figure out his story” and “try to find more interesting ppl to learn from,” which is an assignment he takes seriously. EJ never stands in front of the camera or even have his phone out this episode. His focus is entirely on the ppl around him, even when the camera’s not on (like his tender moment with Gina)! What’s important about the progress of Portwell’s relationship in this episode is EJ’s moment of realization. He starts to fall for Gina b/c of what he learns about her. She, along with Seb, just spent the last few days planning out the quinceañero Carlos always wanted. EJ also learns more about Gina’s life during her speech on stage, where she admits she “keeps on dancing” to “escape” from whatever is going on in her life. Not only that, she recreates one of Carlos’ dances to honor him as her friend and fellow dancer. Whether they know it or not, Gina and EJ work as a team once again to show Carlos how much they care about him:

I think there’s something to be said about the fact EJ starts to realize his feelings for Gina when she does something really kind and selfless for someone they both love.      

2.06: Learning to Love Again / 2.08: Lessons Learned

A while ago, I sent an anon ask to @gracestone about EJ asking his future self if he could ever “learn to love anyone after Belle” and how that connects to the lyrics of “If I Can’t Love Her” that are playing during the montage. Anouk even made an absolutely beautiful gifset about this. Check it out if you haven’t already!😍 I’m not gonna go into more detail about the foreshadowing of EJ and Gina falling in love in 2.06 and 2.08 b/c it seems obvious enough. Lmaooo. I think Anouk perfectly captured the moments I was talking about and it seems self-explanatory. In 2.06, EJ asks his future self if he can “learn to love anyone after Belle” before taking a seat next to his future girlfriend, Gina, who shows her sign of approval by patting him on the back:

In 2.08, after spending several hours together having heartfelt convos and watching TV on the couch, Gina eventually falls asleep while EJ takes care of her before he leaves. Howie sings, “no lesson could teach me how I could have loved her and make her love me too” during Portwell’s part of the montage. I mean, all signs point to EJ and Gina falling in love in S3 (with 2.06 and 2.08 being the most obvious!).     

2.09: Gina Opens Her Eyes to Love

Besides deciding her first kiss has to be "the right guy" who "shows up and stays around" (all things which apply to EJ), I wanna note what made Gina realize her feelings for EJ. After a really long, tho insightful day, he shows up with a granola bar in hand, the very thing she's been craving. Not only does he anticipate her wants and needs, he shows up with a plan to drive her back for her flight in the morning. Beyond that tho, it's the fact Gina realizes her feelings for EJ while wearing his sweatshirt, even before they start dating. She's waiting for her flight to Louisiana so that she can visit her mom over spring break, so the very fact that she's wearing his third-generation Caswell family Duke sweatshirt is very telling. Gina leaves Salt Lake and the Wildcats for the week, but she takes a piece of home with her in the form of EJ's gifted sweater. That Duke sweatshirt provides a feeling of home, comfort, safety, etc for Gina while she visits her mom in a place she's "never been" (2.06). Gina briefly takes the sweater off for the "Ain't Seen Nothing" video, but promptly puts it back on when she's heading back to Ashlyn's house. I'm not claiming EJ's the only one to make SLC feel like home to Gina because all the Wildcats have played a part. However, she's wearing his clothes even tho she admits she's not sure where they stand. And then she puts the sweater back on even though she has two suitcases full of clothes. She makes a conscious decision to have something of EJ's close to her. Also, the very thing that makes Gina realize her feelings for EJ is the fact that he shows up without having to be asked. The granola bar is just a small, sweet gesture and reminder of how much he cares. He pays attention to her. And he shows up. Plus, she looks down at the granola bar EJ just handed to her twice b/c that's the simple sign the universe was sending her and gave her her moment of realization:

I also think the "right guy has just gotta show up and stay around" line is foreshadowing EJ will stay local after S3. By S2 finale, Gina decides EJ has met the requirements for who she wants to be her first kiss. In her own words, EJ is the "right guy." I feel like the "staying around" part could be interpreted as foreshadowing for PW's relationship by the end of S3.

2.10: Romance in the Cards

Miss Gina Porter literally spoke the words "he kinda saved me" in this episode. Gina 1.0 would never admit she wants or needs anyone's help. She does not see herself as "a damsel in distress" (2.09) so for her to admit EJ "saved" her over the break is major. Unlike Nini, who never wanted to be the "kinda girl who needs to be saved," Gina appreciates EJ looking out for her and taking care of her. He finally gets "the chance to be a hero" (1.04), but this time for the right girl. By the end of the episode, EJ decides Gina is worth the risk of getting rejected again, while Gina decides EJ is worth the risk of misreading the signs again. They both take a second chance on each other.

2.11: "Something There" and Family Affairs

Gina looks over at EJ three times while "Something There" is playing, a literal love song, mind you!

The "something" Belle and Beast are singing about is love. This seems to be clear foreshadowing of Gina and EJ falling in love with each other some day. The lyrics of this song are perfect for them because neither one ever expected to fall for the other, they just happened to bend unexpectedly over the course of the year. The lyrics "who'd have ever thought this could be," which plays over PW glancing at e/o thru the curtains, perfectly describes their situation. A similar line comes up again in "Second Chance." Before getting into that, I wanna note the sequence of events before, during, and after "Something There." Gina talks with Jamie (where you can tell they love e/o but the sibling relationship is strained), then we follow her into the "S/t There" performance (with EJ and Gina constantly smiling/glancing at e/o), to Jamie's convo with EJ. The whole point of those sequence of events is to show how absent Jamie has really been in his sister's life. Jamie so badly wants to assuage his guilt for not being there for Gina that he tries to put off his responsibilities on to EJ. We obviously know Gina has romantic feelings for EJ by this point b/c she calls their risotto plans "a date." Regardless, the show made a point to have EJ and Jamie meet and have the audience hear from Terri on what she thinks about him (all good things btw!).

One last thing I wanna talk about before getting to the next episode is the first pic of Gina looking at EJ in “S/t There.” As much as I was rooting for PW as S2 progressed, I wasn’t quite prepared to call Gina and EJ 'soulmates.' However, the moment of EJ and Gina looking at e/o thru the curtains made me change my mind. It’s the very fact that they cannot physically see e/o, yet EJ and Gina can just feel the other’s presence and that’s enough for them. Ashlyn sings “who'd have ever thought this could be" and PW immediately stare in the other’s direction? I mean, come on! 😫That’s exactly it! If you told EJ and Gina they’d be falling for e/o someday at the start of S1, they’d have laughed in your face. They’re even in the same side of the wings as they were in 1.01 when EJ grabbed the basketball off the floor behind Gina right before Nini’s audition. In that scene, they’re glaring at each other LOL.😂 Fast forward to about 7 months later, and in nearly the exact same spot, EJ and Gina are sending e/o heart-eyes without even knowing it! (I can’t add pics of this parallel b/c I’m pretty sure I’ve reached Tumblr’s pic/gif limit. So, just take my word for it hehe.😅)   

2.12: "Second Chance"

Both EJ and Gina are completely devastated when they think the other doesn't return their feelings (thanks to the miscommunication brought on by Jamie):

Before they even go on their first official date, the above scenes show us just how much EJ and Gina already like e/o. Then, we get to hear their inner thoughts thru song in the episode's namesake.

EJ's lines:

Was I a fool to read between the lines?

Did I misread the signs that much?

Who would've thought we'd come this far as friends?

Maybe that should've been enough

During "Something There," Ashlyn sings the line "who'd have ever thought this could be?" while EJ and Gina looked at e/o thru the curtains. That's exactly it! No one expected Belle and the Beast to ever actually fall for e/o. Just like Gina and EJ never expected to agree to go on a date t/g and eventually start to have feelings. These are the same characters who angrily walked away from e/o in 1.04 during their Wonderstudies schemes. Several months later, in what looks like the other side of the hallways in East High, EJ and Gina unknowingly break each other's hearts in 2.12. So much has changed b/t them and they truly have come so far as friends.

Gina's lines:

Maybe I'm safer when I'm on the run

No time to open up my heart

Maybe I'll hide behind my walls again

Instead of tearing them apart

Before talking about Gina feeling "safe when she's on the run," I wanna talk about the second line. We know Gina will be at Camp Shallow Lake over the summer, so she certainly has time to "open up her heart" now! I think a part of opening up her heart in regard to her relationship with EJ next season will be Gina falling in love. In terms of Gina feeling "safe when she's on the run," perhaps it can directly relate to her running towards EJ in the S2 finale to have her first kiss. He makes her feel safe by that logic.

Once they're on stage, the first transition we see is from EJ to Gina singing the following:

In my opinion, with Gina finishing EJ's sentence, it makes me believe they both found another chance to "fall" in love. The "falling" next season for Portwell will be falling in love (in my mind at least LOL😅). And the fact Gina is "wondering" what it'll take to "make the tide turn" tells me her searching for answers shows how much she likes EJ. They both also sing "what can make the fire burn" which implies the burning passion of love b/t them some day...maybe in S3?

S3: Behind the Scenes

I took a screenshot of one of Sofia's TikToks while they were still filming S3 b/c I noticed something. Here's the pic:

It's totally possible this is Sofia's own style and she may not be in costume yet. However, given she has her makeup done, and she's wearing a jacket over her clothes while inside her trailer, I'm gonna take this look as Gina's wardrobe. That being said, you notice the headband? Its got hearts on it. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Gina Porter has only ever worn hearts on this show one other time in 2.03- the Valentine's Day episode. That makes sense given the occasion, but hearts aren't typical of Gina's fashion. Nini's and Ashlyn's sense of style have plenty of colors and patterns, including hearts. But heart-patterned clothes are rarely worn by Gina. Given the S3 sneak peek, it's fair to assume Gina and EJ have been dating for some time (a few weeks, maybe a month. Depends how long after S2 the next season picks up.) So the fact Gina has now incorporated hearts into her wardrobe I think is indicative of how EJ makes her feel. If she's in a lovey-dovey mood b/c EJ continues to show her how much he cares, perhaps that's reflected in the clothes she chooses to wear. The only time she wears hearts in S2 is in the Valentine's Day episode, which I'm just going to chalk up to the occasion. Now that she's dating EJ, and they're actually boyfriend and girlfriend, Gina wearing heart-patterned clothing items seems intentional. If EJ makes her feel cared for, taken care of, loved...maybe she'll present how she feels thru her clothes? Hearts usually only mean one thing...LOVE! I suspect (and am manifesting!!🕯🕯🕯) a Portwell love confession by S3 finale.

Further proof of a possible Portwell love confession are the kind of characters EJ and Gina are. EJ tells Nini he "was trying to hold onto what we had over the summer" (1.04). Gina tells Ricky she "wouldn't quit on us if I wasn't moving away" (2.06). In both scenarios, we learn more about the type of people EJ and Gina are. Once they have a good thing going with someone they like, they're willing to put in the work to keep it going. After just a few months of getting to know and falling for Nini and Ricky, EJ and Gina admit to wanting to continue to fight for the relationship. Both are hard workers who, once are sure of what they want, they are willing to put in the work to get it. They just keep going. They don't quit. Given the "leaks" for S3, the majority of which came from unreliable sources, I've seen some predict Gina may step out on her relationship with EJ b/c she has feelings for Ricky. I've also seen some ppl say EJ would cheat on Gina before she would cheat on him. If you truly believe either EJ or Gina would ever actually cheat on each other, you've mischaracterized the core of who they are. Plus, that just seems so disrespectful of their characters. 🤦🏽‍♀️

At their core, EJ and Gina are extremely loyal and protective of their loved ones. Once they've gained one's trust, and more importantly, once one has gained EJ's and Gina's trust, you can bet they've got your back. After experiencing and actively working thru their previous heartbreaks, EJ and Gina took a chance on e/o. They know how hard it is to gain their trust and to open up their hearts to one another. Why would EJ and Gina, after all the growth they've had, hurt each other by breaking e/o's trust? Now that they're finally dating, why would EJ or Gina ever hurt e/o by catching feelings for Val or Ricky, etc.? It took 2 whole seasons for them to agree to go on a date together. You expect me to believe they’ll be ruined in 8 episodes, in the first season they’re actually dating? 🤨

Besides sharing similarities to Troy and Gabriella, EJ and Gina are also a lot like Sharpay. By the end of summer in HSM2, Sharpay finally realizes how much the Wildcats really mean to her after almost losing everything. Tho EJ and Gina aren’t the one-dimensional kinda of antagonists Sharpay was in the HSM movies, they share similar character traits to her, such as being hardworking, ambitious, and talented. By the end of HSM3, Sharpay stays local by going to a state college b/c she’s willing to help Ms. Darbus with the Drama Department. She’s not ready to give up being a Wildcat just yet b/c it means too much to her. Both EJ and Gina learn over the course of S2 that true happiness is with the ppl they surround themselves with. Now that they both know that, wouldn’t it make sense for EJ and Gina to fight for what makes them happy (i.e. staying in SLC and wanting to continue their relationship b/c S2 has deff showed us they seem their happiest when they’re together [2.06, 2.07, 2.08, 2.09, 2.10, 2.11, 2.12])? 

I'm not saying Portwell won't be faced with tons of drama in S3. I'm sure they will simply b/c they're a main ship (plus they're the only couple at camp t/g). But that doesn't necessarily mean PW's relationship is completely and utterly doomed next season. Just like Troy and Gabriella, and Shane and Mitchie, EJ and Gina just might end their summer stronger and better, together. 🥰

(Last thing, I do think it’s only fair for Redlyn and Seblos to have their love confessions first b/c they’ve been dating longer. However, Ash, Big Red, Carlos, and Seb might be too scared or nervous to actually admit it out loud. In 2.08 and 2.10, both couples seemed to have trouble communicating (which is perfectly normal for teenagers!), but were able to resolve their issues soon enough. Gina and EJ had only one instance of miscommunication in 2.11 (which was entirely Jamie’s fault, btw. But they resolved it in just a few hours anyway). Portwell don’t seem to have any issues communicating. In fact, they’ve been shown to have really healthy, open communication skills. Because of that, I think once EJ and Gina are sure of their feelings, they’ll have no problem admitting to loving e/o. Seblos and Redlyn might let their fears take over and get a bit “tongue-tied” (2.10) when trying to admit they’re in love. But I deff think we can expect a Seblos and Redlyn love confession soon! Maybe even in S3 (thru phone call/facetime or night of the musical if Seb and Big Red come to visit! Could even happen really casually, as if they've been saying it. 🤔)).😊

[myopinionhi]

A Will Solace Character Analysis: the Underappreciated Soft Side

I've noticed many fanfictions have Will Solace OOC. So I’ve been thinking about aspects of Will’s personality fans seem to either gloss over or exaggerate. Here, this post is me doing an in-depth analysis explaining Will Solace’s canon personality in the books, and how it can sometimes differ from fanfictions. Sprinkled in this analysis are tips to fanfiction writers on how they write Will as more in-character.

There is one major aspect of Will that people seem to ignore or underemphasize. Nico best explains it when describing Will in this quote

Jason was a fighter. You could tell from the intensity of his stare, his constant alertness, the coiled-up energy in his frame. Will Solace was more like a lanky cat stretched out in sunshine. His movements were relaxed and nonthreatening, his gaze soft and far away. In his faded SURF BARBADOS T-shirt, his cutoff shorts and flip-flops, he looked about as aggressive as a demigod could get, but Nico knew he was brave under fire. During the Battle of Manhattan, Nico had seen him in action - the camp's best combat medic, risking his life to save wounded campers.

To sum it up, Will Solace is a very chill and calm character. A lot of writers make Will more irrational, impulsive, overbearing, and emotional than he actually is. Will is not the type of character to create drama unless he's, as Nico puts it, "under fire." In other words, the intense side of his personality doesn't come out unless the situation is urgent or dire.

Fans remember during the Second Giant War how he gets angry and argues with Nico over Nico's health and shadow-traveling, so many assume Will is going to be this fiery over a lot of other things regarding their relationship. For example, fanfic writers may make Will controlling or overly sensitive with Nico. However, keep in mind, Will gets heated with Nico during the Second Giant War because Nico's shadow-traveling is killing him. This is how Will describes Nico's dire state.

"Coach Hedge told me all about your shadow-travel. You can’t try that again."

"I just did try it again, Solace. I’m fine."

"No, you’re not. I’m a healer. I could feel the darkness in your hand as soon as I touched it. Even if you made it to that tent, you’d be in no shape to fight. But you wouldn’t make it. One more slip, and you won’t come back. You are not shadow-travelling. Doctor’s orders."

Will is a healer. When he touches Nico's hand, he can sense how little sleep and food Nico has been getting and how Nico's being taken over by darkness. Nico is on the verge of death and hasn't cared about his health for a long time. Nico is also stubborn about it, so Will has to be aggressive in order to save Nico's life. This aggressive behavior is not the norm for Will, but it can sometimes come out when he has to assert control in a life-or-death situation.

Will is a calming prescence. He's a diplomat. He stops violence on multiple occassions.

He's one of the few people who's able to calm Clarisse's violent rage, and he does so in a gentle manner.

Clarisse pointed her dagger at Rachel. "What about their allies, huh? Did you see that tribe of two-headed men that arrived yesterday? Or the glowing red dog-headed guys with the big poleaxes? They look pretty barbaric to me. It would’ve been nice if you’d foreseen any of that, if your Oracle power didn’t break down when we needed it most!"

Rachel’s face turned as red as her hair. "That’s hardly my fault. Something is wrong with Apollo’s gifts of prophecy. If I knew how to fix it –"

"She’s right." Will Solace, head counsellor for the Apollo cabin, put his hand gently on Clarisse’s wrist. Not many campers could’ve done that without getting stabbed, but Will had a way of defusing people’s anger. He got her to lower her dagger. "Everyone in our cabin has been affected. It’s not just Rachel."

One of the most underrated Will Solace moments is when he stops a bloody battle from happening between Camp Half-Blood and Camp Jupiter.  

But he knew it wouldn’t do any good. After weeks of waiting, agonizing and steaming, the Greeks and Romans wanted blood. Trying to stop the battle now would be like trying to push back a flood after the dam broke.

Will Solace saved the day.

He put his fingers in his mouth and did a taxicab whistle even more horrible than the last. Several Greeks dropped their swords. A ripple went through the Roman line like the entire First Cohort was shuddering.

"DON’T BE STUPID!" Will yelled. "LOOK!"

People are so used to seeing demigods, especially male demigods, being aggressive fighters that they can't wrap their heads around a brave and strong demigod who actively tries to avoid unnecessary conflict and destruction as much as he can.

And that's Will Solace's strength: he has the ability to prevent as much harm as possible.

Will is a difficult character to write. There's a lot of dueling factors with his personality. He's calm and pacifying while also being brave and assertive. He's fun and lighthearted while also being intelligent, logical, and grounded. He's laidback while also being responsible and hardworking. He's insecure but not melodramatic. He's very caring and protective but not pushy.

Will's personality confuses Nico sometimes too.

He’d always thought of Will as easygoing and laid back. Apparently he could also be stubborn and aggravating.

The trick to writing Will is to keep in mind his default personality is a soft and lighthearted character. Writers tend to overemphasize the hard side of his personality when his default personality is actually the soft side.

Think of the relaxing, lanky cat metaphor Nico uses for him. He and Nico bicker often, and it works for Will because he rolls with everything and doesn't take things too seriously. He's able to alleviate Nico's moodiness with humor, wittiness, groundedness, and patience. Nico affectionately calls Will a "dork" because Will usually keeps things light. Interestingly enough, he's able to be lighthearted without coming across as insensitive or an airheaded goofball, the latter of which is something Nico dislikes about Percy's personality. On a related sidenote, another way writers make Will OOC is they make him too dumb or too immature. I know I mentioned to focus on Will's soft side, but be careful to avoid that too. He's a SENSIBLE, lanky cat.

The way Will keeps his composure during a stressful situation by using laughter while still being mature is expressed well in this exchange with Apollo. (Yes, Will has a lot to manage.)

It was difficult to think of this young man as my son. He was so poised, so unassuming, so free of acne. He also didn’t appear to be awestruck in my presence. In fact, the corner of his mouth had started twitching.

“Are—are you amused?” I demanded.

Will shrugged. “Well, it’s either find this funny or freak out. My dad, the god Apollo, is a fifteen-year-old—”

“Sixteen,” I corrected. “Let’s go with sixteen.”

“A sixteen-year-old mortal, lying in a cot in my cabin, and with all my healing arts—which I got from you—I still can’t figure out how to fix you.”

“There is no fixing this,” I said miserably. “I am cast out of Olympus. My fate is tied to a girl named Meg. It could not be worse!”

Will laughed, which I thought took a great deal of gall. “Meg seems cool. She’s already poked Connor Stoll in the eyes and kicked Sherman Yang in the crotch.”

The fiercer side of Will's personality comes out only when the situation calls for it; this happens sometimes when he has to be a caring family member, a responsible healer, or a warrior in a dire situation. Even when he gets more forceful, he doesn't get more forceful than he has to.

Since Will has such a balanced and lighthearted personality, what are his flaws? What are the dark sides of his personality? There are four main things that stick out.

1. He's insecure about his self-perceived lack of abilities.

"I agree," Will said. "I wish I was a better archer … I wouldn’t mind shooting my Roman relative off his high horse. Actually, I wish I could use any of my father’s gifts to stop this war." He looked down at his own hands with distaste. "Unfortunately, I’m just a healer."

2. He sometimes struggles to endure the heavy responsibilities he has as a healer and as a protector to his family.

“I got it reattached,” Will told me, his voice shaky with exhaustion. His scrubs were speckled with blood. “I need somebody to keep him stable.”

I pointed to the woods. “But—”

“I know!” Will snapped. “Don’t you think I want to be out there searching too? We’re shorthanded for healers. There’s some salve and nectar in that pack. Go!”

I was stunned by his tone. I realized he was just as concerned about Kayla and Austin as I was. The only difference: Will knew his duty. He had to heal the injured first. And he needed my help.

3. He forces himself to bottle his emotions to keep his composure.

Will laughed under his breath. “I’m terrified. But one thing you learn as head counselor: you have to keep it together for everyone else. Let’s get you on your feet."

Here's a second example.

I rested my hand on Will’s shoulder. “Don’t worry. We’ll be back by dawn.”

His mouth trembled ever so slightly. “How can you be sure?”

4. He constantly worries about his loved ones.

Nico rested his hand on Will’s shoulder. “Apollo, we were worried. Will was especially.”

In conclusion, Will Solace's personality is difficult to get correct. But don't worry, if you write Will as a laidback, witty cat in your fanfics, I guarantee he'll be more in-character than many other fanfics with Will Solace.

(Note: I am only human. If you believe I'm misinterpreting some aspects of Will's personality, feel free to express it. What I say isn't 100 percent the right interpretation.)

[acidwaste]

hey so it seems i’ve forgot to do a l o t of tag memes, and i’m lucky i drafted a big bunch of them! lots of questions overlapped so i did my best to answer in different ways, sorry for the lateness! also @ the people that tagged me here, i wouldn't hesitate to kill for you

@natcaptor / @gayspaced

name: leon or lionel!

nicknames: literally the only nickname I’ve been referred to is “big gay” and like. word!

gender: im pretty sure im a guy, i have been kinda 🤔🤔🤔 abt my gender identity since around november-ish though

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1! i’m told that I’m tall but my uncle is 6’7 so...

time: 3:36pm rn! ive been watching video essays and binging music all afternoon

birthday: december 9th!

favourite bands: animal collective, beach house, camp cope, car seat headrest, death grips, fleet foxes, florence + the machine, gang of youths, glass animals, gorillaz, hop along, iceage, idles, kero kero bonito, mgmt, miike snow, modest mouse, run the jewels, superorganism, the avalanches, the cat empire, the go! team, the mountain goats, the wombats, xiu xiu

favourite solo artists: alex lahey, anderson .paak, ariana grande, billie eilish, bjork, cashmere cat, charli xcx, courtney barnett, cupcakke, d.r.a.m, eric taxxon, frank ocean, gfoty, hatchie, janelle monae, jeff rosenstock, joanna newsom, jorja smith, jpegmafia, kacey musgraves, kali uchis, kendrick lamar, khalid, kimbra, lorde, mac demarco, madeon, mick jenkins, mitski, oneohtrix point never, perfume genius, ravyn lenae, rina sawayama, serpentwithfeet, sophie, st. vincent, sza, vince staples

song stuck in my head: caramelo duro | miguel // kali uchis! its a bop, miguel is one of the few singers that can convincingly make sex jams

last movie i watched: deadpool 2! it was even better than the first, which is a feat in itself ngl

when did i create my blog: december 2016??? i only started using it properly in february last year tho

last thing i googled: “im in my mums car broom broom.” dont @ me

do i have any other blogs: yeah, plenty actually!! i have blogs for aesthetic (@moltenstar), general inspo (@wverns), flight rising (@szarising, kinda inactive?), and overwatch (@blackhardts) tbh the vast majority of my ‘sideblogs’ are just saved urls H

do i get asks: when i say stupid shit like “rung has the ass of a dilf but the dick of a cockroach”

why i chose my url: that one panel where kobd have a vacation at the acid wastes because fuck its finally canon babey!

following: 1,767, which is kinda horrifying!!

followers: 890?? somehow??? thats almost One Whole Thousand and i don't even make content

average hours of sleep: around 6 or 7!! n e v e r more though

lucky number: 43 and 64!!

instruments: i'm too poor to afford music lessons or instruments jsbddsjknfs

what am i wearing: a grey shirt and nothing on my bottom half so my [redacted] is hanging tf out, i should put on some damn clothes

dream job:  oooo uhhh, i’m studying to get an education degree rn because i’d love to teach children (around grade 3-4s preferably because i'm too jittery to handle anyone younger and older kids probs won't listen to me as much as i lack plenty of assertiveness), but!! i’d honestly love to be a musician, one of those underground ones that get lots of critical acclaim

dream trip: one day i wanna gather up some friends and just go on a road trip! idm where we go to, as long as we just have fun and just! adventure!

favourite foods: rare steak, mashed potatoes, eggs, and energy shakes made with like. fruit / cheese / yoghurt / oats / chia seeds ! protein is a large part of my diet

nationality: new zealand, but living in australia

favourite song right now: best part | daniel caesar // h.e.r - gosh i need to re-listen to daniel’s album again, i don’t remember this beautiful song being there and that’s a crime

@damndesi / @novarebel / @luciform-philogynist

APPEARANCE - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo (but I am getting a tā moko in December, I believe) - I have at least one piercing (planning to get a nose ring, like a bull!) - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined (b a r e l y) - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping (barely) - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing math in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol (tastes like shit) - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite bands concerts

MY LIFE - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live relatively close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone (do fractures count?) - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages (not fluently) - I have made a new friend in the past year

@smstransformers

age: 16

birthplace: auckland, nz

current time: 4:19 pm rn!!!

drink you last had: i just skulled half a liter of water whoops

favourite song: jesus etc. | wilco if we're talking abt an all-time favourite

grossest memory: accidentally swallowing a bee when i was seven years old (somehow nothing bad happened?)

horror, yes or no: not unless it’s an incredibly tame horror t b h, my threshold for scariness is very low

in love: i believe so!

jealous of people: lots of times, over really dumb things

love by first sight or should I walk by again: i believe that infatuation can exist at first sight but true love not so much. wish that could happen tho :C

middle name: shane!

siblings: my sister is eight years old, and my brother is seven!

one wish: EZ, make my anxiety disappear, i’d have a much more productive life

song i last sang: jupiter | haiku hands

time i woke up: 7:13, woke up immediately because i usually like to wake at 6:30

underwear colour: blue + purble

vacation destination: auckland / kingston / sydney!

worst habit: not remembering to make my goddamn bed, it looks like garbage

favourite food: mashed potatoes….

zodiac sign: sagittarius !!!

@alyonian

relationship status:

at the moment i’m single! and while being in a relationship sounds brilliant, the last two relationships i was involved in? didn’t work out to say the least, lucky i’m still young

favourite colour:

it’s been emerald green for the longest time but orange seems to be dethroning it at a steady pace

lipstick or chapstick:

i haven’t used chapstick since i was six but i probably should use it again, water is my substitute rn fdghdgh - and i haven’t ever used lipstick in any capacity? so i’d have to go with the former

last song i listened to:

the space traveller’s lullaby | kamasi washington - i’m trying to get through his second album rn (i left off on the second disk yesterday) and while everything he makes is undeniably amazing, it’s? a three hour album? i don’t have the attention span for his spiritual jazz, as great as it is

last movie:

monsters inc is playing on the television right now, i’ll go with that! the animation aged kinda badly but it’s still such a fun movie! sidenote: james p. sullivan? a childhood crush, so this gives me memories

top 3 tv shows/podcasts/comics:

i rarely, if ever, venture into these forms of media but! if i had to answer, i’d say;

unbreakable kimmy schmidt / parks & recreation / luke cage

taz / mbmbam (i havent like. watched a full episode of either but they seem cool,)

tf idw / …………. yeah that’s it, i’ve never read anything else. probably should!

additional favs:

my friends, writing (in theory), listening to video essays, learning music theory + instruments and understanding audio production software

top 3 bands / artists:

HHH okay if i had to limit my choices to just three artists, uh. lorde, the mountain goats, and sophie. i couldnt even fit janelle in i hate th is

----------------------------------

@alyonian

color(s): light colors are always nice and pleasant, though anything peachy and sandy are the best! orange (specially pastel orange) is like. the best thing

last band t-shirt i bought: usually merchandising is very expensive and i dont have the money to accommodate that, but like. i do recall having a wiggles shirt when i was five. i wore it all the time, shjdjgsksd im sure that counts

last band i saw live: i almost went to splendor in the grass last year with family, which wasn't only cool since i’ve never been out of the state since i immigrated - the festival was in queensland, which is around a two hour flight from victoria - but the lineup was pretty fuckin lit too! the xx, haim, peking duk, tash sultana, future islands, vallis alps, a.b original,, i was p excited! unfortunately my uncle fell ill and so they had to give the tickets to extended family :( otherwise, i haven't been to a single concert in my life

last song i listened to: street fighter mas | kamasi washington - up to this song on the album and i really fuckin dig this! also the video is hypnotizing

last movie i watched: monsters inc is about to finish and up next is monsters university! which like…. honestly, this is an extremely unpopular opinion but, i like it just as much as the original? my opinion might be skewed because i’m a monster [hugger], but i like everything abt the movie! except for the finale of the scare games and the last five minutes of the movie, both were just. dreadful.

last three tv shows i watched: if aggretsuko counts that’s the last series i watched of my own volition, which is a miracle in itself considering that’s legit only the second anime i’ve watched to completion (the first being shirokuma cafe, which i probably need to re-watch). otherwise, the last two shows i had beared witness to were thirteen reasons why and queer eye bc my cousin put them on! that first show i could completely do without but queer eye is iconique

last 3 characters i identified with: grimlock (legit. all of them), urdnot grunt (mass effect) and vector the crocodile (sth), i’m not sure what this says about me other than Big

book(s) i’m currently reading: i’m reading ‘maus’ by art spiegelman at the moment, for the third time i believe? i believe my classmates are supposed to be writing an essay on this next term and shit, this novel is heartbreaking, i haven't been this emotional when reading a book than… ever, really. it’s a recommendation of the highest caliber

@victorion

name: leon / lionel, i picked up the second name because i was in a server with an admin that was also a Leon™

nickname: besides ‘Big Gay’ i also have the nickname ‘lemon lion’ which is! nice!!

zodiac sign: archer man

height: Tall™

language(s) spoken: english / some maori + italian

fav fruit: watermelons (only when in season)

fav scent: the smell of a freezer tbh? it just smells Nice i don’t know how to properly explain it

fav season: spring! the breezes are welcoming without being overbearingly freezing

fav color: ornge,,,,

fav animal: SHARKS + CROCS + FERRETS

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: tea! with some milk tho

average hrs of sleep: too little

fav fictional character: One character?????? uhhhhhhh……. like. biggest cc right now is either idw skids or oz from monster prom

no. of blankets you sleep with: depending on my mood but i’d say the average is like, 3??

fav songs: i quickly whipped up some songs i listen to

fav artists: i came to the realization that i like acts that are considered ‘bad’ like maroon 5/drake/lil yachty etc in specific doses… i wouldn't call them good yet, but! i have no beef and thats good

fav books: remember ‘where the wild things are’??? that shit was like. literal childhood, man.. :happytears: i really need to look for a copy again

@thonany-klieme

name: leon / lionel, interchangeable really

gender: male, im probs an nb guy

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1

sexuality: gay??? im not sure, im mostly attracted to other guys but i have had very brief crushes on girls + nb people? sexuality’s confusing so im gonna just latch to the gaybel (gay label) for now

lock screen image: its the album cover of 1992 deluxe by princess nokia, tho it was “T Hanos” a few days ago since i change it often - my home screen is venom but his torso says ‘fuck machine’

ever had a crush on a teacher: no??

where do you see yourself in ten years: ideally i’m teaching kids math n english, realistically i’m probably going down with the political climate

if you could go anywhere, where would you go: new zealand!! or the netherlands

what was your favorite halloween costume: halloween is not big at all where i live, the only time i tried trick or treating was when i was like 7?? i threw a bedsheet on myself and pretended to be a ghost, though since there were no eyeholes + the sheet was blue, it looked more like i was just a moving lump

last kiss: never had one

have you ever been to las vegas: nah and i dont plan to?? how do you handle regular days of 40C wtf

favorite pair of shoes: i have this pair of jandals that ive worn for a fair bit longer than my other pair of shoes, tho i only wear them in summer + very warm nights

favorite book: ngl its. ‘the very hungry caterpillar’ by eric carle. i just, love it alot and i cant explain w h y

[rironomind]

GS Artists Rec List

I told @the-nysh I would do this so I did. I’m just here to shamelessly promote my favs.  If you want to binge on art, trawl Pixiv and bookmarks. If you want daily art, follow the artists’ Twitter, or @GSnightfight. 

Sidenote: It is strange to know that some of the raunchiest stuff come from mums. 

(Artists under the cut!)

Kinako [Pixiv] [Twitter]- Protec. Their comic strips are so cute and good. Like this one here and an ongoing one on Twitter. I don’t really understand it but it seems like Genos drank a memory loss chemical to forget about how he couldn’t really love Saitama but then ended up in a relationship with him anyway? He calls just calls Saitama “Saitama”, it’s very bittersweet because he regrets drinking it. (Full thread here)

Yutani [Pixiv] - They do doujins, including one where Genos turns into a white wolf and one where Saitama gets double-teamed by devil!Genos and bunny!Genos.

Lisa [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Have I mentioned lately how much I love Lisa? I’ve been following her ever since she did “The person who makes you happy/Happy people” (Part 1/Part 2). She just did an omegaverse doujin too. Her style is a bit anatomically questionable but they look soft and blushy and muscley and romantic so I’m into it. She’s also done a couple of fake movie posters that’s also very tender. ^3^ (Also, nice try Lisa, I know you draw gratuitous bottom!Genos porn on a separate Twitter account.)

Nano [Pixiv] [Twitter] [Tumblr] - Soft, round egg. They did a doujin where Saitama gets fucked while wearing a dress as well as this really nice sfw doujin about Genos realising he likes Saitama. And who could forget this iconic fake twitter video. (Also they’re on tumblr! Please show them more love)

Polon [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Soft watercolour style, lithe muscley egg illustrations in sexy (and funny) poses and outfits. Loads of lovely short R18 comics. One of my favs is in here where Saitama’s cum is turned into Cookies and Cream flavour by a monster and this one where Saitama gets a bad fan letter and needs some TLC. They also have cat!sensei and dog!Genos versions which are super cute. Cat!Sensei is very chubby (it’s in their icon!).

Oikkodeth [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Yall better recognise. Mainly R18 doujins and puts out one every event (that’s like 5 times a year or more). They’ve covered the whole range: hanahaki, Little Red Riding Hood, human torso!Genos and more. Anatomy is a bit stiff but they’re so proficient.

Mido [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Korean but translates her comics to Japanese. Expressive, cute, clean comic style.

Akiyama [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Yall better fucking R E C O G N I S E. They, along with asamizu and a few others, have been posting since 2013. They churn out doujins like a machine and even has their own category in the doujin store, their books took up half a shelf. Consistently cute, punchy dialogue and doesn’t deal with drama. But you don’t need me to tell you. (Look at this though!!)

Hoyu [Pixiv] [Twitter] - You guys remember the sausage pillow comic? Do you like spit, licking, kinks and softcore yandere Genos? You’re gonna love Hoyu. Also, she knows loads of people? I always see her in the comments on twitter. Very skinny boys and twisted love, a new and interesting sketchy style.

Akiko [Pixiv] [Twitter] - A very girly and attentive waifu top!Genos and a tired Saitama. Puts out a comic strip almost every day? #blessed. (Sensei, please be sweet to me!) Doesn’t do R18 very often.

Oishigeru [Pixiv] - Does only doujins, maybe twice a year? Most, if not all are R18 and Saitama always looks vaguely worried. i like Even If mostly because it’s the only one I read all the way through and it’s about insecurities of a relationship. There was another doujin about Genos/Two Saitamas. Does introspective egg very well so I’m immediately biased. Doesn’t post art on twitter so I’m not including it.

Emochikaoya [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Yall already know I’m a massive fan of Kaoya’s work. Kinkwise, if you think of it, she’s probably drawn it. Super efficient, churns out minicomics once a week in between drawing her original comic (can’t stop the thirst, guys). I’m trying to get her to do more coloured illustrations so if you guys want to stroke her ego, I’ll pass it on. My favourite doujin of hers is ‘Who’ and it has hands-down The Best Egg Lecture. Probably one of the few artists who bother to translate to English (you’re welcome). I have a million things to say about her but it would turn into an essay so I’ll stop.

Minerux [Pixiv] [Twitter] - A member of the @GSNightFight challenge on Twitter. Uncertain and worried egg and supportive and very attentive borg. Check out “Curiousity” and “Red String” and a personal fav “Hold on”.

Dokimaru [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Her neko sensei is probably the most iconic. He has a sweatshirt with like 6 nipples? Iconic. they drew a hot springs doujin where Genos turned basically his whole body into a vibe and Saitama caused him to short circuit and blow out every fuse in the ryokan. They set off the fire sprinklers. This one ficart where Saitama gets double-teamed by two Genoses knocked me flat.

Mat [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Mat?? Is so?? Good?? Ever think about how a look can break your heart? Egg is always tired and Genos is worried. Contact is very sweet and makes your heart twinge, and there’s another one they just released about Saitama being cursed with handcuffed hands

Hebitoriasu [Pixiv] [Twitter] - I’m not a big fan of the shading but I can see improvement. Mostly R18 doujins but they’re cute.

Tori/Saboten [Pixiv] [Twitter] - They have two major AUs - fem!Saitama (Nyotama) and Sabo-sensei - and they’re both amazing. Very good readability, very funny comics. If you’re not a fan of fem!Saitama, they have dedicated groups of art for nyotama. Of course my fav of their works is the one with all of Saitama and Genos’ dating problems and the one where Saitama is “Weak to ikemen (handsome guys)”.

Asamizu [Pixiv] - What kind of useless list would this be without Asamizu? Yeah they had their own category too on the doujin shelf. Very nice graphics, and they discuss relationship topics in a candid manner. Been drawing these boys for over 4 years! Mostly doujins. I also have to plug their game (visual novel) about Saitama endlessly repeating a week to try to get Genos to stop asking him out, it will probably last 10 hours. God they do love to ramble.

Toufumaru [Pixiv] - I’ll admit, I’m not a big fan of their recent work (sailor uniform sensei and sensei who wants to be held) but I really like Blue in Blue and Mellow Yellow which talk about Saitama’s non-existent emotions.

Nemunoki [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Mainly R18 doujins. They’ve explored all manner of sexual situations and kinks. Outdoor sex, electricity, double penetration, tentacles, you name it. It’s all amazing. The perspective does throw me off though.

Untara [Pixiv] - Into switch but really likes bottom!Genos anyway. What can I say? Kinky, but hot.

Satoku [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Melancholy egg! Attentive Genos! Does mostly short comics but they’re so cute. Martyr Saitama is my jam!

Kamikoawakakyouko [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Interesting concepts. Recently released a comic that I consider to be the pinnacle of the OPM fandom because it’s Saitama having to consider the environmental/global impact of his strength and how that boils down to affect his everyday life.

Matabi [Pixiv] - Pretty much only doujins. Sensei has moobs and the boys are squishy and blushy. Also does quite a bit of rimming.

Sototuka [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Mostly R18 illustrations with some nice shading but questionable garments. She drew this doujin with futa!Sensei and double-dick Genos. 

Hara Hara [Pixiv] - Saitama is the manic pixie dream girl you guys never thought would exist. Fashion model ingenue. Werk it, sensei. Permanent come hither. Seeing Saitama in dresses brings me life (even if he is super skinny).

Raoki [Pixiv] - Mainly R18 illustrations. I remembered she did sounding with Pocky.

Gmeko [Pixiv] - C U T E. Round and pastels. Soft with lots of TLC. Did a “(I’ll find you) Before the stars do” comic and a hair washing comic.

NICE BOON [Pixiv] - Korean who takes no shit. Fantastic fashion. Little to no BL but the concepts are all on pointe. Existential egg. Eggistential. Locked twitter.

Silver_mssk [Pixiv]  [Twitter] - locked account but if you managed to add her…really, really good eggistential portraits in a variety of scenes. Hilarious comics and a stone face Genos and flailing egg. Also lots of Mobuncle/Saitama scenarios? Which…tbh same.

Foo2333 [Twitter] - What if Saitama took part in enjo kosai (paid dating)? Bottom!Saitama, a soft and sexy egg desired by all. Listen, I don’t make the rules. 

Skaky21 [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Mostly out of the fandom but dips in sometimes. Very polished shiny style. Not my cup of tea but it’s cute.

1200年丸 [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Now mostly BNHA but does OPM sometimes. Mostly SFW. This comic is cute.

ICHIKAZU [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Curly haired boyish Genos! Everyone’s crazy about her Apocaplyse!AU but I prefer her newest doujin where Saitama wins a camera and Genos uses it to take lots of pictures of his sensei.

Kaji Oyaji [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Wowowow so cute and pastel? Is everyone an angel? Am I dead? Soft and sweet. Saitama is like a fairy and Genos is in love. Imagine the embodiment of Spring.

Ginsky [Pixiv] - Chinese. They’ve moved on but boy those were some bright colours and expressive faces.

Tutu_en_f [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Soft romantic sketches. Feel very french but I’m only saying that because she is literally in France now.

COCONUT [Pixiv] - Korean. Fashionable (you see a trend?) Saigenos sketches. Young boyish Genos, manly egg.

Obachan [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Chibi comics. Still active and cute af.

Shiwasu [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Woah this egg is too cute for this world. Does short comics, draws sex but not especially ero. I like this one which is about Genos becoming able to read Saitama’s mind, first kiss (self explanatory) and Saitama losing his strength (R18).

Nyuton [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Active on Twitter. Posts a lot of speed-colouring videos. Nice sketchy feeling but with colour. Likes to borrow concepts from music videos.

Mochi [Pixiv] - Crudely-drawn gag comics with a humour on par with ONE’s. Please, they’re so good. This one opens up with both of them wearing The Dress.

Shout out to starjr_major who is currently in Golden Kamui hell but used to draw some really amazingly cute Saitama.

[thefastlanefanfic]

The Neighbors - TWO

Wattpad // Chapters 1-2

Sidenote: I’m so sorry if you’re on mobile lol this is gonna be long as shit (why does the “read more” thing not work on mobile)

5:00 AM on Monday morning came entirely too soon.  With the ability to select college courses all in the afternoon for my last semester, I'd been sleeping in until 11 o'clock in the morning.  It certainly didn't help that I'd been sleeping past noon the last few days I was at home on my "summer break."  There was something about finishing college that made me exhausted.  I would have thought I'd be energetic and stoked to greet the days void of research papers and group presentations, but instead, it was like every single all-nighter I ever pulled was catching up to me.

I threw on the new lavender scrubs my father bought for me and proceeded with my morning routine.  I made sure I had a lunch packed.  Since I was trying to be healthy, I packed a salad with some chicken I'd prepared the night before and some popcorn.  I loved popcorn.  I printed and filled out all of the grown-up paperwork I had to turn in to the company to make sure I got medical insurance coverage and direct deposit to my bank account every two weeks.  I felt like such an adult, having to do all of the background checks, I-9s, W-4s, and whatever other legal paperwork the company had to do before I could officially start work.  Then again, I had to call my dad about forty times in the process of filling out the forms because I had no idea what they were asking me.  Maybe I wasn't actually an adult just yet.

As I was walking to the front door, I noticed a group of crickets scatter away from the door inside the apartment.  I squealed and jumped backwards before I knew what they were.  Why were there so many of them in my apartment? I noticed the early morning sun streaming in through a sliver of a crack under the door.  I swore to myself.  The reason the crickets sounded so close to me last night was because they had come under the door into the apartment.  I figured they were just sitting outside my bedroom window as I was trying to sleep.  

I used my dustpan to chase a few of the crickets back toward the front door.  Some of them had disappeared under my couch.  Others were chirping from hidden crevasses in the apartment I had yet to discover.  I growled as I heard one chirp that sounded like it was in my ear, but I couldn't find it anywhere around me.  I checked my watch.  I was going to be late for work.  I opened the front door to shoo out the few crickets I could direct out of the apartment.  On my front stoop was a small bag.  The smell of warm shit filled my nostrils and began to crawl into my apartment, mixed from the humidity already clouding up the atmosphere outside.

"What the-"

I didn't have time or patience to decipher whether the dog crap was an insult directed toward me or just a rude, lazy neighbor who couldn't make it to his own trashcan.  I glanced out into the quad to see if anyone was out with their dog.  The quad was quiet.  Still asleep.  I slung my purse over my shoulder and switched my lunchbox to my left hand.  In my right hand, I pinched the very tip of the bag between my pointer finger and my thumb and quickly made my way to the trashcan along the sidewalk.  I threw the bag into the can and shivered, the smell of warm shit still lingering in the dense air.

"Early shift this morning?"

I nearly leapt out of my skin as someone approached from behind me.  I whipped around, my purse swinging with my body and slapping against my butt as I did.  It was Wilson.  He was in uniform and looked like he was returning from a night shift.

"Or are you just returning home?" He asked.

It was too early for me to be dealing with him.

"Heading out," I said.  "First day."

"Yippie-ki-yay!  Good luck, even though I'm sure you'll be outstand-erific," he said, winking at me. "Maybe later tonight we can do that dinner date.  Early birthday dinner?  I know your birthday isn't until tomorrow but I just found out I've got a 16-hour shift tomorrow and I'm not sure I'll be able to take you out on that day.  I'm covering for a buddy."

"You know, Wilson, I really just need to stay home and do some more getting settle-" I started, trying to weasel my way out of this "date."

"Oh come on, Leah.  One dinner date.  Maybe more after that, but only if you fall in love with me first."  He snatched my free hand that previously held the poop-bag and kissed it.

I pulled my hand away and fake smiled.  "One meal," I agreed, eager to get going.  I refused to call it a "date."

"Magnificent," Wilson said, raising his arms to the heavens as if God himself had granted Wilson the permission to take me out. "I will pick you up around 7.  Does that work?"

Just then, Harry sauntered into the quad wearing nothing but shorts and tennis shoes.  He had a t-shirt draped around his neck and was using it to wipe the sweat from his forehead.  His hair was sticking straight up into the air.  His chest glistened with more sweat.  I caught myself before my jaw dropped too noticeably.  Harry's eyes met mine and he winked at me, smiling.

"Leah? Dinner tonight at 7?" Wilson asked again.

"What?" I asked, snapping back to reality. Harry was walking past us.  I wished Wilson would shut up and leave. "Yeah, that's great.  See you later-" I said, turning and following Harry.  I called his name before he entered his apartment.  He turned and smiled at me again.  

"Lee." He wiped his forehead with his t-shirt.  The full-frontal view of his bare torso finally gave me a look at the ink that covered every inch of his skin.  Each piece of art came to life as his lungs expanded with each deep breath he took.

"Leah," I corrected him, laughing as though it didn't really hurt me that he couldn't seem to remember my name.  ""Like, Lee-uh. Lee-uh," I repeated.  I sounded like an idiot. "How are you?"

"Great," Harry said.  "Nothing like an early morning run."

I faked a laugh. "Yeah."

"Do you run?" Harry asked.

"Not if I can help it," I answered honestly, chuckling to myself.  Harry raised his eyebrows and nodded, the look on his face indifferent to whether I really ran or not.  There was a glimmer in his eye that made it look like he was almost laughing at me internally or just really enjoying the conversation.  One of those, or he just was being overly polite and wanted to go shower off the sweat that was flowing gently over his toned torso. "I mean," I said.  "I should probably start..."

"Not a bad habit to pick up," he said, wiping just below his messy hair with his t-shirt one more time. "I can see how it's not for everyone though.  You headed to work?" He looked me up and down in my lavender scrubs and smiled as though I was a four-year-old child dressed up for the job I wanted in the future.  To be fair, that's about how I felt.  I couldn't believe I was about to have my own adult job.

I nodded slowly, enjoying the way the words rolled off his tongue and dripped off of his lips before I snapped out of my trance and shot a look at my watch.  "Oh shit- I'm actually going to be late."

"Good luck-"  Harry said, turning and using a key to open his front door as I sprinted across the quad, holding my purse tightly to my hip.  I slid to a halt with a sudden courage to ask:

"Harry, are you doing anything later tonight?"

He had disappeared into his doorway but the door was not yet closed.  He reemerged and shrugged.  "I'm not," he called to me. "Sounded like you made plans with Wilson, though."

The hopeful smile that had spread across my face disappeared as quickly as it came.  "Oh, yes.  I forgot."

Harry smiled and shook his head. "Maybe another time, Lee.  Get to work."

"Leah," I corrected him once more.  

He merely laughed and closed his front door.

I was tense arriving to work because I was a few minutes late.  I rushed into the main foyer of Sunshine Days Nursing Home and nearly slammed into the front desk.

"Leah Fitzpatrick here for work.  It's my first day."

The middle-aged, overweight receptionist was wearing some Winnie-the-Pooh scrubs, though the way she had snacks and drinks and cheap romance novels scattered all over the desk made it seem that she didn't actually work with any of the patients personally.  The only spills her scrubs were catching were from her 64oz mega-drink soft drink cup she'd picked up from a truck stop and the ketchup swirled onto a half-eaten pizza that was laying in the empty receptionist chair beside her.  She peered over her glasses at me.  I found it hard to meet her eyes since so much dead skin and eye goop had congealed in the corners of her glasses where the bargain-brand frames met the bridge of her pale nose.  Her red, short, curly hair matched the cheap red lipstick that had found its way to her front teeth.

"You're late," she said.

"I just got a little held up at home.  My new apartment... the bolt lock was giving me problems," I lied.

I could tell the receptionist wasn't buying it.  She cocked her head at me and looked at me.  I was almost waiting for her to say, "Mhmm.  Really?" I was relieved when she didn't.

"There are people here who work a night shift and it's really fucking tiring.  Have you ever worked a night shift?" She snapped.

I shook my head.

"It's really fucking tiring.  People are going to be mad if you refuse to get here on time.  They want to sleep.  Don't you like your sleep?"

I nodded.

"Then get here on time. It's really fucking tiring to work a night shift."

"Okay..." I said.  "I got it."

The receptionist sat back in her comfortable swivel-chair and placed a fat hand on her chest like she'd been personally attacked. "If you're going to have a problem with coming to work on time you may as well quit now.  Do you need to turn around and walk out those doors or are we going to agree that you come in at five o'clock?"

"Six," I corrected her.

She gasped at me, again offended that I would even open my mouth.

"Six is what the email said.  I can show you," I said, pulling out my phone.

Clearly not wanting to be proven wrong, the receptionist held up a hand to me and shook her head.  "Just be on time next time, okay?  We don't have patience for people who don't take this job seriously."

"Jesus, Martha, cool it," a cool voice said from a hallway behind me.  A woman in her 30's approached me and the receptionist slyly.  She looked too clean to have worked a night shift.  I wondered if she was working the day shift with me.  Still addressing the receptionist, she said, "You were late on your first day because you spilled a Chick-fil-a milkshake down your front and had to go back home and change."  

Martha's face flushed red.

The new woman leaned on the counter and looked at me. "Leah?"

"Yes," I said, extending a hand, relieved that someone spared me from the unwarranted wrath of the receptionist.

She shook it.  She was a plain looking woman with brown eyes and brown hair pulled back into a low ponytail.  She was wearing no jewelry or makeup, but still had a subtle beauty about herself. "Nicolle.  I'll be showing you around these next few weeks.  Or until you pick it up on your own."

She put her hands into the front pockets on the shirt of her green scrubs and walked back down the hallway she'd originally emerged from.  I followed, finding nothing but administrative offices and break rooms.  "You can put your stuff here," Nicolle said, motioning toward a single wall of tan lockers once we'd reached the room the furthest down the hallway.  There was a table in the middle of the room with a few coffee cups, food wrappers, and magazines spread across it.  A cell phone was plugged into the wall, charging.  An old, square computer monitor was in the corner of the room I figured no one ever visited - the top of the computer was coated in a thick layer of dust.  As the outdated "Windows" icon bounced from side to side of the monitor screen, it seemed to shake dust particles onto the rickety-looking desk it was sitting on.  "Don't let Martha scare you," Nicolle said as I shoved my purse and lunch into a locker that reeked of old perfume.  "Martha was engaged and basically got dumped for a skinny girl.  It sucks.  I'd be pissed if that happened too.  But Martha then proceeded to gain another 200lbs after her fiancé left her.  Whole thing was a mess.  She just hates anyone she thinks is prettier than her." Nicolle stretched her arms over her head and yawned.

I wanted to feel bad for Martha, but because of the first and only encounter we'd had so far, I couldn't make myself feel for her.

Nicolle crossed her arms over her small chest.  "We don't do a whole lot of training here for newbies unless you feel like you need it.  You're fresh out of school though, right?  You should have a better grip on physical therapy and art therapy and meds than any of us."

I laughed.  "It's been a month since I've had to crack a textbook so I wouldn't mind a refresher of the meds.  The rest I think will come naturally."

"Don't worry about the medicine so much.  We have a registered nurse who sorts out dosages and brings the meds to you for whichever client you're with at the time.  You just hand it to the client and make sure they don't spit it out or choke."

"Sounds easy," I said.

Nicolle laughed.  "Easy unless you're working with Mr. Lewis.  He'll spit until he has no more saliva if it means he doesn't have to take his meds."

For the day, I basically shadowed Nicolle.  She was 35.  Married to a guy she'd dated since high school.  She kept assuring me that she loved the guy but proceeded to talk about all of the problems they were having and how tired of him she was.  She droned on about how she went out with some of her single friends a week ago and was hit on by a tall, handsome cowboy.  "I should have gone home with him.  Spiced up my life a little bit.  There is never any excitement anymore," she said to me as we carried lunch trays down the hallways from room to room.  Before I could give her my opinion, she spoke to the old man in the room we'd entered. "Mr. Davenport, salmon today."

The old man she addressed merely turned his back to us and continued to watch The Price Is Right on his television.  He curled his lip like he was disgusted as Nicolle placed the tray of food on a table beside him.

She rolled her eyes at me and motioned toward the door.  In the hallway, she said, "He's a chef.  Has a daughter who's a chef too.  He says her name is Kennedy, I think.  She lives in NYC.  Dating some famous boxer.  Mr. Davenport talks about her all the time, but she never calls or visits.  I can't tell if she's actually real or if he's just crazy.  He claims he won't call her because he put her up for adoption when her mother died during child birth.  I just think Kennedy's a figment of his imagination.  Anyway, the food is never good enough for him but he'll eat it if you just leave it for him."

By the time I got to take a lunch break, I was exhausted.  There was something about the slow day that made me more tired.  I felt like I wasn't really doing a whole lot, but making small talk with some old people who were mentally aware enough to recognize I was a new staff member, and other old people who weren't mentally aware enough to recognize that I was NOT, in fact, their grandchild.  One woman in particular kept calling me "Elizabeth," who Nicolle later informed me was the baby girl the old woman miscarried in the 1930's.  Really, it all made me sad.  It just made me think of my father.

During group art therapy time, I sat with a table of four elderly women and watched as they painted aimlessly on their own canvases.  Really, three of them were painting.  The fourth was tugging at the uncomfortable smock that we'd distributed to everyone to keep their clothes from getting paint on them.  

"Shelley, I don't like this fabric," the old woman croaked, addressing my new coworker across the room.  

Shelley sighed and crossed her legs as she helped one of the elderly at her own table.  She scratched under the heap of blonde hair on the top of her head, which I guess was supposed to be a messy bun.  "Lydia, we've told you, we are keeping your other clothes from getting dirty."

The old woman looked at me as if I was supposed to contradict Shelley and give her permission to take the smock off.  I smiled at her as politely and sympathetically as I could, but didn't say anything.  In the 8 hours I'd been there, I didn't feel I knew any of the clients well enough to ask anything of them or order them around.  

"This damn place..." Lydia muttered under her breath, turning to face the muted TV that had some low-budget soap opera playing.  Her stiff, grey hair stayed perfectly in place as she huffed and puffed in her chair.  Her overly-exaggerated actions almost made her look like an annoyed teenager who had just been told "no."

I got lost in the soap opera for a moment. There was something about watching those shitty actors on mute that made it seem like they might almost be good at acting for a second.  I felt something wet land on my arm and drew my attention back to the table where Mrs. White had accidentally flicked green paint onto my new lavender scrubs.  I pursed my lips and sighed.  It was only a small blot of paint, but they were my brand new scrubs.  I tried not to be mad.  I knew my face probably showed nothing more than indifference.  I was good at hiding emotion when I wanted to.

"I'm sorry, Elizabeth," she said to me, glancing down at the table where she'd also dripped paint.  "I'm so clumsy these days..."

I stood up. "It's okay, Mrs. White." Almost immediately after rising to my feet, behind me, I heard some kind of liquid splattering on the wood floor, like someone had poured their water straight onto the ground.  I turned to see another woman, Miss Jane, with her elastic-waisted pants around her ankles, her Depends diaper around her knees, and her bare butt hovering just over the side of an empty vase beside the doorway to the community room.  I gasped as I realized that she was mistaking the vase for a toilet.  Though she was aiming for the vase, she was really getting half of her pee into the vase and the other half of it on her shoes and the floor.

"No, don't!" I blurted, a natural reaction to Miss Jane's mistake.  The old woman jumped, my outburst having scared her.  She stumbled backward and tipped over the vase.  I could hear the urine in the vase slosh before the vase hit the floor.  It was like it was happening in slow motion.  It was another natural reaction for me to stoop down and try to stop the vase from tipping completely over, but I was too late, and the vase bounced onto the floor, showering me in warm old lady piss.  I stood slowly, held back a gag, and shuddered.  In the corner of the room, my coworker Shelley merely cackled, still scratching under the heap of hair tied up on her head.

"Not the first time that's happened.  Next time, let her finish peeing.  Easier to clean up if you don't knock over the vase," Shelley said, looking nonchalantly at the old man painting beside her.

By the end of the day, I was defeated.  Done.  Grossed out.  A little depressed.  How could I do this job?  How could I last more than a week?  How did Nicolle and Shelley work so long in a place with people who couldn't go to the bathroom on their own or even remember who their own kids were?  I knew what I was getting into by taking this nursing home job... but then again, I didn't.

I wheeled into the parking lot at my apartment complex and dragged my body from the front seat of my car.  No sooner had I set my feet on the pavement did Wilson come bouncing jovially around the corner of the quad.  He was decked out in his cop uniform.

"I've been waiting for you!" He said.  He had to have been staring out the window of his apartment until I drove up.  Unless maybe he was standing outside the quad waiting for me too.  I wondered how long he'd been waiting. His blonde hair was slicked back so tightly that it didn't move as he bounded toward me.  

I had forgotten about our dinner.  I wanted to groan.  It was times like these I wished I had the power to make myself vomit on command.  If I could have one super power, it would be to vomit whenever I wanted just so I could weasel my way out of hanging out with people.

"Can I take a rain check on dinner?  I've had a hard day... my stomach is hurtin-" I started.

"No escaping your birthday! Your dad told me you're not much of a birthday person but I'm going to force you to dinner!" Wilson said, locking my small wrist in a tight clasp of his fingers and pulling me toward his cop car.

I silently cursed my dad for telling Wilson about my birthday at all.  "Wilson, I just really am so tired- I mean, I'm covered in pee and-"

"No excuse is going to get you out of this.  Your daddio said you would try every excuse in the book so I'm not buying it."

I was trying to find a way to free my wrist from his grip without making it seem like I was whipping my hand away from him, but he was not letting loose.

"I made reservations for 7:00 and it's 6:45! We have to get there," he said hurriedly, opening the back door to his cop car. "Let's get to bangin' on all cylinders."

I hesitated, suddenly the only thought occupying my mind: "Wait... you want me to ride in the back?"

"Awkward, I know," Wilson said, uneasily sighing and laughing at the same time.  "You can't ride in the front unless you're a cop."

"I didn't know that was a thing..." I said slowly.

"It's a thing.  Big thing.  Big thing," Wilson said.  He looked impatiently at the watch on his wrist and bounced his knees.  "We gotta get going though so jump in! The back is not that bad, I promise.  It'll be fun.  A good party story later in life.  Tell your friends like 'hey, I rode in the back of a cop car once.'"

I stared into the black back seat where a gate was going to keep me from properly communicating with Wilson.  The window was also barred.  I looked over my shoulder at the blue low-rider I'd first seen him in the day that my father helped me move in.  "We can't take that car?" I asked, pointing at it.

Wilson bounced on his toes.  I could tell he was getting more and more annoyed with me as each second passed.  Maybe I could piss him off enough to make him ditch his own date.  He inhaled sharply.  "I'm on call so we have to take the duty car.  It's fun in the back!  Don't worry."

I sighed heavily.  There was no way this guy was letting up.  "Can I change first? I'm covered in pee-"

"Good golly-wolly," Wilson laughed harshly.  "Your dad was right.  You really don't like your birthday-" He nearly pulled me into the back seat like I was a criminal.  He slammed the door in my face, nearly crunching my foot in the process.  I gawked at him, though he couldn't see me inside the tinted, barred window.  He jogged around to the drivers' seat, and before I could protest dinner any more, flew backward out of the parking lot and onto the main street.  He was speeding like crazy.

We came to a red light and he hummed angrily.  I watched in disbelief as he flicked on his police siren and forced the cars to part like the Red Sea.  He drove recklessly through another red light at an intersection, but all cars halted for him to speed through since he had his lights on.  Meanwhile, he didn't seem to notice me sliding around all over the back seat.

We arrived at an Olive Garden.  Wilson had to come let me out since my door wouldn't open from the inside.  A family of four eyed me suspiciously in my nasty scrubs as I crawled ashamedly out of the grimy back seat of the cop car.  Wilson didn't address me as he aggressively took my arm and pulled me into the restaurant.  He shoved through the waiting crowd by the front door and tapped the bell at the hostess' desk obnoxiously.  The hostess, who saw him approach and was going to speak to him even before he dinged her bell, froze with her mouth open.  I tried not to laugh as I watched her face, a fake smile spreading from cheek to cheek as she kept her cool with this rude customer.

"Table for two? The wait will be about 45 minutes," she said.

"Reservation for Kilmer at 7:00.  Sorry we are late.  This one wouldn't stop bitching-" Wilson said, pointing his thumb over his shoulder at me.  

The hostess peeked over Wilson's shoulder at me.  I made the classic "what-the-hell-is-this-dickhead-talking-about" face at her and she seemed to immediately read me.  I was too tired to fight this.  And by this, I meant Wilson as a whole.  I had already accepted that this was going to be a disaster date I would talk about four years from now.

We sat at the table and ordered food.  I watched Wilson's face as he handed his menu to the busty, blonde waitress who wrote down our order.  His eyebrows were tightly drawn together and his jaw was clenched.  Almost like a flip had switched, his face relaxed with a single blink and he smiled at me.  "Happy birthday."

"My birthday is tomorrow," I said rudely, crossing my arms across my chest.

Wilson sighed heavily and relaxed in the booth seat we were in.  "My, my, my.  You are a little jokester, aren't you?"

I felt like he was trying to play off the fact that I was NOT, by any means, having a good time.

The waitress plopped down a basket of bread between the two of us.  Wilson grabbed a stick and shoved half of it in his mouth.  I watched as crumbs scattered down the front of his officer uniform, all blue this time instead of tan.  He chewed with his mouth open, flecks of spit flying my direction and landing on my arms and hands.  I crossed my arms across my chest as if it might actually help protect me from the flying spit.  It didn't.

"Let me get a Miller Lite.  Bud Lite.   Whatever beer you have that's light," he said to the waitress, half of the bread still in his mouth.

"Aren't you on call?" I asked. "You shouldn't be drinking."

He winked at me.  "I won't tell if you won't."

I sunk my head into my hands.  "Good god..." I sighed, mainly to myself.  Wilson ignored me.

We sat in silence after that.  Wilson tapped his short, stubby fingers along the table and clicked his tongue as he looked around at the other dinner guests enjoying their carb-loaded meals in the yellow lighting of the restaurant.  I didn't ever know it was possible to go from hero to zero so fast.  Not that Wilson was ever a hero in my book, but he seemed like more of an asshat than ever.  I was praying to God Wilson wouldn't get called into work for some kind of backup.  I was dying to escape this dinner, but after three beers, light or not, I was terrified thinking about what kind of damage this careless cop could do when he wasn't in the right state of mind.  Each time he ordered another beer, I would give him a death stare and tell him, "I don't think that's a good idea."

Each time, he ignored me and drank his next beer faster.

He motioned for the waitress to come to the table once more.  Without him asking, she brought him another mug of beer and placed it in his outstretched hand.

“I really wish you wouldn’t drink another,” I said to Wilson, unable to look this asshole in the eyes anymore as he cupped his fourth mug of beer in his hands.

“Listen, if you’re going to be my girlfriend, you need to be less controlling. I can’t believe this is our first date and you’re already trying to control me,” he said, lifting the rim of the glass cup to his lips and sipping the beer.

There was such a drastic difference between how Wilson was talking to me and treating me now as opposed to how he had been with me in front of my father. I wanted to believe that he was just playing a role to appease my father and give me a good first impression that day, but even earlier this morning, when he asked me to dinner, he seemed to be a totally different person.

“What did you do today?” I asked him.

He sighed in annoyance. “I’ve been on call all day,” he told me, putting to rest any thought that I had about him maybe just having a rough day. Whether he had a good day or not didn’t give him the right to treat me like he was.

He polished off his fourth beer and signaled the waitress for another.

I leapt to my feet. “I’ve got to go to the bathroom.”

Wilson just stared up at me.

I turned and made my way through the tables, the murmur of private conversations surrounding me as I turned my hips to squeeze through chairs and people. I walked back to where the kitchen was and met our waitress as she was rounding the corner of the kitchen with another beer in her hand.

“Don’t you have an alcohol serving limit?” I asked.

She blinked at me and began to stutter.

“He’s on call for work. For police work,” I explained, trying to make her feel bad.

“I mean, he’s the customer though… I didn’t know he was working. Anyway, what he chooses to drink is up to him.” She tried to push past me with the beer, but I put my hand on her shoulder and pushed her back.

“He’s not going to arrest you if you cut him off, you know,” I said.

She gasped at me. “That’s not what I thought would happen anyway-“

“So you’re just going to over-serve him alcohol to boost your tip?” I asked.  I knew my tone was rude but I didn’t care. This was important.  A few other waitresses had protectively gathered around the one who had been serving us.

“What’s the problem?”

The waitress inhaled sharply. “She just couldn’t find the bathroom. It’s this way to the left,” she told me, pointing a finger past me and waiting for me to try and bring up the alcohol issue again.

I glared at her, turned on my heel, and nearly ran to the bathroom. I pulled out my phone and googled the number of the Easton Police Department. I locked myself into a bathroom stall as the phone began to ring.

“Easton P. D., how can we help you?”

“Listen, I have a problem-" I said, running my finger over the latch on the bathroom door.

“Ma’am, let me transfer you to emergencies-"

“No! No,” I blurted. “This is about one of your employees. He’s on call right now. Officer Wilson Kilmer. He’s-"

“Oh… Hold on, sweetheart. I’m going to have to transfer you anyway.”

“What?” I asked. “To who??”

“Please hold.”

The phone began to ring again before I could speak to the receptionist anymore.

“Chief Moore speaking, who is this?” A voice sounded as quickly as the ringing had begun.

“Um, my name is Leah and I’ve got a problem with one of your officers. Officer Wilson Kilmer?”

The other end of the line was silent for a moment. “What has he done?”

“Nothing yet, I suppose. We’re at dinner and he said he’s on call and he’s just been drinking a lot.  He’s intoxicated I think and I just want to make sure he doesn’t get called in. I don’t want him hurting someone because of a lapse in judgment caused by the beer,” I explained hurriedly.

“What?”

“I asked him to stop and even told the waitress to stop serving him but-"

“Is he wearing the uniform?”

I nodded and said, “Yes.”

“Where are you?” He asked.

“The Olive Garden on… uh…. I don’t know… I just moved to Easton like, three days ago. I’m so so sorry-”

“Miss, please. It’s okay. Thank you for the call. We’ll take care of it.” The line went dead.

I walked out of the stall and saw an older woman watching me in the reflection of the mirror as she wiped the water off of her hands. I knew she’d heard it all. She merely nodded at me once and smiled before throwing away her hand towel and exiting the bathroom.  I walked to the sink and threw water on my face before peering at my own tired reflection in the mirror.  God, this had been a long and eventful day.

When I walked back to the table, I was surprised to see Wilson throwing our food into to-go boxes. The food must have just arrived. He looked rushed.

“C’mere, Leah, come on. We’ve got to go. I called you a cab. I’ve got to go to work. They just called me in-“

“What??” I asked, shocked for a moment before I had the idea that maybe he was being called into work by the chief to get his ass chewed.

He grabbed his uniform jacket and threw some money down onto the table. He grabbed both of the boxes of food and pulled me by my wrist through the restaurant and out the door. As we walked out, another cop car turned slowly into the parking lot.

“James,” Wilson said seriously, coming to a halt as James pulled up in front of us and stepped out of the car.  James had a cautious, and yet seemingly unnecessary, hand hovering close to the gun on his hip.  James was also young, with short brown hair covered by his police hat and dimples so deep that you could fall into them if you got too close. He smiled faintly at me.

“Wilson-“

“James.   What’s the problem??  Robbery??  Murder-“

“Hey, man.  Why don’t you jump in the car and I’ll tell you on the way to the station?” James said, almost like he was talking to a confused child.  He looked at me and blinked slowly.

Wilson didn’t even seem to remember that I was standing there as he sprinted around the front of the cop car and dove into the front passenger seat with both my dinner and his.

James instantly turned to me and lowered his voice.  “Miss, we want to thank you for the call.  I’d just be careful around him from now on.”

On, I was planning on it.  I was planning on staying far, far away.  I meant, as far away as I could while still living next door to him.  James stepped back into the police car, closed the door, and sent one more sympathetic look my way as he drove away with Wilson.

At that moment, the taxi arrived.   I hadn’t even thought about the fact that Wilson literally called me a taxi to drive me home.  Not even something more clean and modern, like an uber or a lift.   There was something about just looking at the rusty, yellow taxi that made me feel dirty - well, dirtier than I already was.  I climbed into the cab slowly, avoiding a splash of grey mystery goop on the faux-leather seat and trying not to lean too far back.  There was a rip in the seat behind my back, and I was nervous that if I relaxed too much, I'd be sucked into the trunk by some taxi-demon.  I was hesitant to even pull the slick, greasy seatbelt across my still pee-stained scrubs.

The driver coughed so hard that I was worried a lung was going to hit the windshield.  It was obvious he'd just polished off a cigarette, the smell lingering despite the car's open windows.

"Where to?" He croaked.

I almost couldn't remember my new address.  "Marble Park apartments," I finally told him after racking my brain. He tried to make small talk, but I was too busy running over the events of the day to have a conversation with him.

When we got to the apartments, I paid the cigarette smoke-ridden cab driver and dragged myself out of the torn-up back seat, accidentally dragging my hand through the mystery goop I'd tried so hard to avoid the whole 20 minutes home.  I groaned and wiped whatever the sticky residue was onto my pee-stained scrubs and sighed heavily and almost sing-song-y as I rounded the corner of the quad.  It was dark outside, all except for the three, dim porch lights that were bright enough only to illuminate the three feet of porch there was for the first-floor apartments.  The lamp post in the middle of the quad was also dimly lit.

I used the entirety of my body weight to open the front door to my apartment.  I immediately dropped my purse, pulled my shirt over my head and pulled my pants down to my knees, using my feet to push them the rest of the way off of my legs.  I walked straight back to my bathroom and didn't even wait for the water to turn hot before I had slumped against the shower wall, letting the water flow over my skin which felt like it had a thick layer of grime on it.  Grime from being coughed and sneezed on.  Grime from being peed on.  Grime from Wilson's spit.  Grime from the cab.  It was like I could feel it coming off in layers as I dragged a bar of soap slowly over my skin.

I hadn't washed my hair because I liked to wash it in the mornings.  I threw it up in a messy bun on top of my head. The bun looked way better than whatever mess Shelley had created with her own hair, if I did say so myself.  I wiped the mascara off of where the steam from the shower had made it bleed down my cheeks.  Took my contacts out.  Threw on my glasses.  Put on some old, purple sweats I had.  Pulled on an old bralette.  I walked into the kitchen of my apartment and opened the cupboard.  Without giving it much thought, I snagged a bag of popcorn kernels, threw it into the microwave, and pressed the "six" button.  I knew it wouldn't take that long, but I would stop it when the popcorn had popped.  I stood, leaning my bare stomach against the cold, fake granite of the counter and stared blankly into the microwave.  A ring from my phone snapped me out of my trance.

"Hello?" I answered.

There was no reply.  

"Dad, are you there?"

I began to walk around my apartment, searching for a clear signal.  I could hear bits and pieces of something my father was trying to say - probably just checking in on me - but I couldn't get a full sentence from him.

The call ended.  I was standing by the window at the front of my apartment.  I typed out a quick text to my father:

Couldn't hear you.  We can try again tomorrow.  I've had a long first day.  Love you - L.

As I sent that text, I scrolled through some of the other text messages I'd been receiving from old friends for my birthday - Impersonal and brief "Happy Birthday!" messages that didn't bring me as much joy as they did in the past.  Getting caught up in the messages, I didn't realize that my popcorn had begun to burn. The smell filled the apartment, and I scurried to tear the smoking bag out of the microwave.  Smoke began to cloud the ceiling.  I burned my finger on the top of the bag where the smoke was coming out and dropped the bag to the floor.  Swearing, I hurried to the window and threw it open to prevent the single smoke detector in my apartment from releasing a shrill alarm and disrupting the peace of my new neighbors.

As I stood at the window, I rubbed my eyes with my uninjured fingers.  I examined the part of my finger that stung from the burned bag of kernels.

"Alright?"

I nearly leapt out of my skin.  I thought for a moment someone was standing in my apartment, but I finally realized that Harry was standing just outside the window.  I hardly noticed him since it was so dark outside and he was still dressed in all sorts of dark colors.  

"Fucks sake-" I exclaimed.  "I- I- I'm okay.  I'm fine.  You scared the hell out of me-"

"I'm sorry," Harry laughed, coming a little bit closer to the window.  The light from my kitchen illuminated his handsome face.  It also allowed me to see that he was holding some sort of green gardening can.  "I was just putting a little bit of plant food in Miss Jones' plants.  I do it every week or so.  Helps 'em stay alive," he explained.  

"At night?" I asked.

"What?"

"At night?  You feed the plants at this time of night?" I repeated, raising my wrist to look at a watch I realized wasn't there only after I'd checked the imaginary time.  

Harry laughed awkwardly.  "Eh, well, yes.  She doesn't know I do it.  At least, I don't think she does."

I stood and stared at him, becoming more consciously aware of my appearance and clothing (or lack thereof) and the fact that he'd probably been peeking in the window the whole time I'd burned my snack and been chasing some kind of cellular service.  For as much as I wanted to be creeped out, my stomach was fluttering.  He wasn't creeping in my window.  He was feeding Miss Jones' plants.  Her goddamn plants.

I walked out the front door and stood to the right side of my porch, leaning over the banister toward Harry's silhouette.  He watched me only for a short moment before he returned to shaking some of the small pellets of plant food into the vases on the ground and the plants hanging from Miss Jones' porch.  I wanted to ask him something.  Tell him something.  Have him ask me a question or anything to get us involved.  However, I stood for a few minutes in silence, in the dim lighting from my kitchen and the small light in the middle of the quad, and listened to the plant food pellets tap against the sides of the plants' bowls and vases.

When he'd run out of plant food, Harry sighed softly.  "Good night, then."

His feet brushed weightlessly against the grass as he began to walk away.

"Harry," I called quietly, almost as if I was whispering it to myself.

He stopped.  I saw the black shape of his body turn toward me, his figure becoming more visual as he stepped closer into the small amount of light from the kitchen again.  He stood and waited without saying anything.

I had a sudden wave of confidence wash over my body.  I stood up straight, sticking out my chest even though I know he couldn't really see my perky breasts in my bralette.  I took a deep breath, but just as quickly as the confidence had come, it went away. "Um-" I started.  My inner self was begging me to say something.  Anything.  

"Come inside?" I said.  I asked.  I whispered.  I basically breathed it.  I wondered if he even heard me.  I felt like an absolute dumbass.  Should I repeat myself?  What if he said no?  It was late.  Surely he would say no.  What was I inviting him in for?  Burnt popcorn?  I didn't know what part of me was asking him into my apartment, but could only imagine it wasn't for a cup of tea and small talk.  What did I think was going to happen?  He was going to just lean in and kiss me and-

"Sure."

"What?" I asked.

"I'll come in.  Let me take a look at your finger," he said.

Like that morning, I had to keep my mouth from falling open.  I turned around abruptly and opened my front door for him.  He followed me inside.  He moved so quickly and so silently that I just about jumped out of my skin again when I turned around and he was standing only eight inches from me.  He gripped my hand and extended my fingers, like he had the day I was moving in.  This time, however, I let him look, even though there was nothing there anymore.  No evidence of any serious damage.

"I think you'll survive," he told me after evaluating the non-existent injury.  "Your heart line here is showing some pretty interesting stuff, though," he said, dragging a long finger along one of the creases in the palm of my hand.  

"What?" I asked, kind of laughing to myself.  I'd never much believed in palm-reading or horoscopes or anything like that, but it was always interesting to read about and learn about. "What does it say?" I asked him, looking down at my own palm.

"It's about your love life," he said.  "Did you have a good date tonight?"

"No," I gushed, looking up into Harry's eyes.  I laughed just thinking about it.  "It was a disaster.  Does the palm say I'm destined for a long, devoted, and romantic relationship with Wilson?  After tonight, I'd rather die before having to spend more time with him."

Harry's mouth curled into a small, almost triumphant smile, but he shook his head.  "It says something about a tall brunette kissing you.  Unless you object."

My heart pounded in my chest.  "Oh?" I squeaked, nearly losing the ability to speak.  "My palm is that specific?" I asked.

Harry took a step toward me and began to lean in.  "I don't know," Harry chuckled.  "I can't read palms."

I lifted my mouth to meet his.  I began to instantly feel drowsy, like the room was spinning and I was going weak.  Harry wrapped an arm around my lower back and pulled my body more into his.  I felt like fireworks were exploding in my stomach.  His lips were warm and full.  I wanted to sink my teeth into them.  Without separating our lips, I began to pull him toward my bedroom, tugging at the hem of his black shirt as we went.  Clothes began to litter the living room.  I flicked off the lights as we neared the bedroom.  For as much as I wanted to look at Harry's handsome face, just the feeling of his mouth, which was making its way up and down my neck, was creating an overwhelming sense of euphoria in me.  

He was like a drug, his touch giving me an immediate high.  As he pulled his fingernails over my skin, a line of goosebumps followed.  His moans as he felt my body were giving me a confidence I didn't know I had.  I remember that he was on top of me, kissing down my stomach.  I was on top of him, sucking on the soft skin of his neck.  His hands were twisting into my hair and I was tugging on his.  We were twisting and turning around each other, around the sheets... tangling our lips, our legs, our arms... and before I knew it, the sun was coming up.  

I blinked my eyes open.  I stretched and turned my neck to look at Harry beside me... only he wasn't there.  The sheets were tousled like someone had been there, but any other evidence of Harry was gone.

[subjectsilver]

5:05 AM on July 23rd

i absoTonight someone got stabbed over a god damn jul pod. 

but lets back up

I have been at school for a week.

I needed to get out of columbus... just like old times there was just nothing left for me there i was just killing myself because of how summer went and how i am and shit whatever. it'll be nice to temporarily go back in the winter and spring and even next summer and i can't wait until then but for now i need to not be there. I need school i need distractions i need people - i need people who are my friends but I'm not too close with - distractions are all i need right now so i don't hurt myself.  

I came back to Wake and literally the first day i was here i heard                       1-800-273-8255 - Logic 3 times by three separate people. Thats a fucking sign if i know it...ive never really heard that song until like that day and now i listen to it every single day...

Everyday i wake up and have running or lifting and i do that in the morning then i just sit and do nothing until playing pick up soccer at night which is kinda shitty bc fuck boredom and fuck routine but its a distraction none the less so its alright with me...

Im destroying my bank account because i have no meal plan so i eat out everyday which is like 10$ a meal cus life is expensive... but at least I'm eating i mean I'm still underweight sitting around 140lbs but I'm not getting any lighter. Tbh i was kind of getting comfortable being skinny because i love the way my baggy t shirts that are too big for me, fall on me when I'm underweight but i know inside i need to get my weight up to be healthy and like sane. but ill get there..i hope - eating as much as i can in hopes to gain weight anyway.

I knew i was forgetting something when i left -  well i forgot a lot but least of all i forgot my contact case so i was sleeping in my contacts for like 5 straight days and that shit killed my eyes but i finally got a case so last night was the first time i slept without them and if i sleep tonight it'll feel good as well.

I'm trying to think about what happened this week but nothing really happens during summer school it kinda sucks. I met all the freshman guys and girls and they all seem pretty cool I've been chilling outside with them  every night when were done with pick up and shit because i have nothing better to do and i like hearing conversation hearing them all talk and reading all of them. Half of them think I'm crazy because i only sleep like 4 hours a night and because my teammates tell them the stories that are my snapchat stories this summer. It is what it is ya know.

SIDENOTE andre keels is currently telling me about how he went on a date with this girl and he's low-key geeking out and its pretty funny, I'm happy for him he deserves the high that follows being low - i hope i get that eventually.

I had a really low night a couple nights ago where i just sat outside listened to jcole and smoked cigarettes by myself but i got thru it.. it just seems like when I'm doing absolutely nothing my mind takes over and i think about all the things that bother me with life or just life itself. its kinda shitty because it seems like when I'm not distracted its like a struggle to keep living like i don't understand the point of living or being alive or life in general so it confuses me why I'm here but i try not to think about it.

I thought i was a going to quit cigarettes but i literally need them not because I'm addicted but bc its something to do when I'm alone at night by myself... and i should prob get a jul pod or some shit but its so expensive and niggas are getting stabbed over it now and I'm just not about that lmao ........ I'm dying on my own terms if anything.

im not on social media really anymore. i check it every once in a while but very rarely except like writing weekly shit like i am rn or on snapchat. i guess like 5 albums came out or something and i had absolutely no idea. it's alright tho other people fill me in eventually I'm currently listening to tyler the creators new album. Its a lot better than i expected tbh.

 “5 car garage....full tank of gass but that don't mean nothing nothing nothing without u in the passenger”

took a little break to smoke a cig - I'm kinda nice at it now and hitting juuls tbh despite my efforts and much coughing in the past I'm finally getting nice. with my luck ill probably get cancer or some shit but thats alright i guess  (kanye hands)   

anyways down to business aka the most excitement of this week SOMEONE GOT STABBED OVER A FUCKING JUUL POD 

thats fucking lit and crazy and so disappointing of humanity but at the same time the greatest thing thats ever happened ever...

actually 2 people got stabbed but one kid got sliced in the finger so like that doesn't even count but the email i got said 2 people stabbed soon i mean i don't make the rules. I was chilling right i played like 2 games of pong and won both (ayeeeee) then i walked into this house and was staring out of a window i actually took a pic but this fight broke out and i turned around and everyone started leaving under the assumption cops would come... so i walked outside and i was trying to account for everyone that was there because DAD FOLDS came out and i was counting everyone and i thought i had it correct but this kid was like where is abby i think she's dead inside like passed out drunk soon despite hearing sirens i ran back inside and checked the house to find that she was not there which was good so i ran outside and started running with this kid named Sam.. so me and sammy for running through yards and bushes and shit but my shoe got caught in a bush (fuck me right) “sam go on without me live on  bruv” so sam started running away... i finally got unstuck and i saw like 3 cops chasing sam so i ran the other direction around this building and on the other side i saw 4 cop cars so immediately i dipped into these bushes where i hit my face on a brick wall and copped a gnarly scratch that will not scar which is disappointing... (incase u were wondering go had a black t shirt on and not the usual white so my shit was not stained or anything thank god) so i was laying there for a good 10 seconds and i got on snapchat and scrolled thru the stories for a brief moment when i heard “sir we saw you jump in the bushes please come out” i was like fuckkkk mee so i got out with my hands up cus a nigga not trynna end up like trayvon   and i backed up slowly and got handcuffed and then they patted me down found my wallet, luckily found my real ID and then put me in the car... i wait there for a little and scrolled thru snapchat behind my back and then they pulled me out and questioned me. I just claimed ignorance bc i actually didn't really know shit at all... my only lie was that i didn't know the only guy i was running with. Then they just let me go. They asked me why i was running if i didn't do anything and i was like “i wasn't trynna get stabbed and also cops these days shoot black people so i wasn't trying to be shot either” and at some point this cop was like do you have an accent where are u from and i was like uhhhh ohio? but they let me go and i walked back to campus and i saw all these freshman outside and i was like ooo go to bed y'all and we all went to bed.... then i laid there for like 2 hours before going back outside...talked to some people for a while who were out there and then skrrttted off to smoke and music and write..

present time  - its 5:48 AM and someone got stabbed over a juulie like 6 hours ago thats wild....................

tomorrow or today technically I'm going to play beer die (a drinking game) [google that shit] at like 3 and then go to a team cook out and chill. should be alright.

this tyler the creator album is actually kinda nice - i actually did find some nice songs on soundcloud tho today i found a really nice piano piece that kinda calms me down in the beginning then slowly gives me anxiety... I've had a lot of anxiety lately

it seems like I'm feeling so much shit now as opposed to being numb and feeling just so dead and all the feeling at once just scares the shit out of me or makes me heart want to explode but its kinda nice to feel shit sometimes... i still have moments days where i feel absolutely nothing but it is what it is...it can't all get better at one time... I've just noticed tho that like everything use to seem weird to me like literally “this is so weird” always went thru my mind but now EVERYTHING is so scary to me like even if I'm not paying attention and someone speaks to me and the sound catches me off guard it makes me jump. its weird - haha

its getting light outside i know i need to sleep because I'm trying to get 8 hours a night even tho it doesn't always happen but I'm trying. last night i laid awake for 2 hours thinking about magic tricks. card tricks that i will eventually try on people...i created my own card tricks in my head... i have zero decks of cards rn tho which is so rare for me never really happens.

anyways - another update will come next sunday and hopefully by then i get stabbed over a juul pod by then.  

6:00 AM   I FUCKING HATE BUTTERFLIES.

i love you good morning.

[yeont4n]

Hunter the koreaboo djdjdjdjjd tell us more

I’ve never spilt this tea so 👀🐸 lmao SORRY THIS IS GONNA BE LONG AS HELLI’M ON MOKBILE AND THERE’S NO READ MOREEFC

In my middle school there is this dance called an 8th grade formal which is exactly what it sounds like (a formal dance… in the 8th grade…) and just for the record, school dances are not and have never been my thing; went to the ones in previous years of middle school and didn’t really dig it (hence why I skipped junior prom this year..but that’s a sidenote.)

So I’m sitting in lunch w my friends eating a plain hot dog roll (I would just throw out the hot dog lol👐 who’s to blame me) and all of a sudden there’s this kid on his knee to my left who MIND YOU I HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE, I DON’T RECOGNIZE HIM IN THE SLIGHTEST!!!!! HE PULLS OUT A LIVE FISH (in a water thing it wasn’t just flopping around) AND A BOX OF HELLO PANDA COOKIES (????idek if that’s a Korean brand I know they sell them at target though) AND HE GOES (word for word) “ou t of all the fish ijn the sea will u go to formal with me?????”

I’m just absolutely speechless. I.. literally don’t know what to say because 1. I’ve never been asked out before EVER 2. I don’t know who the hell this boy is? Deadass no clue? and 3. I /hate/ being the center of attention. ////hate//// it. (I know ikm a Leo, I know.)

So the entire lunch wave (most if not all of my grade) crowds around us and starts to chant SAY YES SAY YES SAY YES you know, as kids do… and I just kind of stammer around the question.. he won’t make eye contact with me and all my friends are bandwagoning so I’m on my own… I filibuster until the vp breaks up the circle and brings me and h*nter out into the hall alone. Just to clarify, at this point I had no opinion of him , I thought it was kinda cute and ballsy of him to do this and I felt bad for not wanting to say yes… but I really…really… did not want tok say yes. He gave me a bunch of generic compliments and I basically said “sorry I’m not planning on going to the dance anyway” and he sort of hugs me awkwardly and t hats that.

Now the next week, I’m not even in school, I’m on a fucking Disney cruise to the Caribbean. So I don’t even think about him and the fish incident until I come back the week after and… everyone’s buzzing aboiut him planning something else… it was around this time that I start realizing who he is and I find his social media stuff and….. oh ….. .. .. u guessed it….. … all kpop … he loved it, lived it, breathed it. He would do idol makeup every day, watched dramas religiously, this was around the time gangnam style took off too so he was riding that trend straight into the ground. (Also important tok remember that I didn’t even like Korean pop culture until a few moknths ago…. he has a small part in that haha) Well just listening to kpop/watching dramas obviously doesn’t make u a koreaboo but he’s had an Obsession with me (and I can really call it that, just wait) for 3+ years without having ever spoken to me… and I’m coincidentally the only south Korean girl in the school??? The ONLY one??? He knew nothing about my personality or even that I was adopted and had 0.00 connection to my cultural roots . Anyway.

I’ll wrap this up seeing as I’ve spent like 15 minjutes typing this out. -he asks me a second time to formal, now with a bouquet of roses ??? I basically had a panic attack of sorts and hid in the library the rest of the day bc half my school thought I was s mega bitch for not pity dating him -i have a piano recital that same night but I already told my teacher I had formal so I ended up skipping both and staying home watching tv hahaha -but hunter was sobbijng (kSOBBINGND) in the corner the entire night and the most p*pular girl at my school was like roasting me basically and giving me shit for not going 👀-things die down after school ends until I find out he’s in my homeroom and I spend the first 3 months of freshmen year avoiding him bc he would literally reroute just to rujn into me and try to strike up conversations (about! Kpop! Always about fucking kpop!!!!) -he wrote me like SEVERAL DOZEN poems on Instagram (really sappy but unsettling stuff too) and apparently he was reported for being suicidal or smthn it was messy…. Things are ok now I never see him … but that’s the story of h*nter and the fish … I’m a legend at my middle school now lol

[a-is-for-anxiety-blog]

September 9th, 2017

12:03 am

So....I guess here I am, making a blog because I got inspired by a dumb facebook post. I’m not a fabulous writer and I cuss a lot. My sentences are choppy and probably won’t flow together very well, but I’m going to blog anyway cause I’ve got some shit to say. Let’s start with an unnecessarily long overview of my little life.

*IMPORTANT FUCKING INFORMATION* ((This kinda sorta maybe might be triggering so please be cautious))

I’m a 22 year old girl who is obsessed with cats and succulents. I’m bipolar, have high functioning anxiety and depression. Over the years I’ve fought and lost and fought and lost again to disorders I like to call dickheads. I started realizing I had hella issues when I got dumped at 15, during/after my parents were getting a divorce, and a week after having sex for the first time. ((Notice I didn’t say lost my virginity because I don’t like the stigma of virginity ‘loss’ but I digress, that’s for another day)) I can’t even tell you how it happened, at this point I don’t remember. But what I can tell you is that I was way way way WAY more than devastated. I was raised Catholic, so I thought that since I had now had sex with someone I definitely wasn’t going to marry, I was about as desirable as a flaming pile of Satan’s shit. I had no worth without my virginity. ((Eye roll to mars and back)) So starts the chapter of self hate and self harm in my life. We’ll call this Phase 1 - Self Harm

So throw in a few months of crying in the hallways..in class...in the choir room...in the bathroom...in the wherever. I honestly can’t tell you how long it took me to get over it. But it was a long, depressing, frustrating, stupid ass fucking road. I tried to find different escapes to make myself a little more sane. I started binge drinking and cutting. ((Newsflash; Not such a great combo. 0/10 would not recommend.)) At 16, I was slicing lines for every reason I was sad that day. Retracing them if I was sad about the same thing the day after, and the day after, and the day after. I was carving the words “Ugly” and “Fat” into my skin. I was so desperate to have a reason for my pain. So naturally, cutting was my answer. Drinking made it all go away. Lather, rinse, repeat. But I did find happiness in music and literature. That was my only positive outlet for about 3 years. Music and books became my obsession. I was transported to other worlds and became other people with other problems that weren’t my own, only to be dropped back on my fat ass when I finished a series. There were other boyfriends here and there. Some good. Some not so good. One pretty great one. But all in all I was literally fucking insane and drove them all away.

Let’s jump forward to my senior year. Phase 1.5 - Wow I’m a cunt

Let’s talk about how much of a big, rude ass, stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking, bitch I was. I talked shit about my friends for fun. I was a pathological liar. I was a self-hating, self-destructive, self-centered, B I T C H. Long story short I lost all like...7 of my closest friends to a bunch of ‘he said/ she said’ bullshit that I can’t even fucking remember ((Except for one. I’m trying to keep it pretty anonymous so I’ll call them my twin, my bro, my best friend, you know who you are. <3)) toward the end of the year and I fucking lost it. I don’t remember most of that summer.

Skip to my Freshman year of college. *sigh* Phase 2 - Rebellious Stupidity Sidenote: Eventually I got 2 out of the 7 friends back and we’re totes Bff’s again and they’re my heart and soul and I wouldn’t be half the person I am today without them. Ahem. Anyways. You know when you know you shouldn’t do something, but you kinda just have to anyway because it’s exciting to break the rules now and again? No? Anyone? Bueller? Anyways, I did the thing I wasn’t supposed to. I blindly convinced myself I was super in love when in reality I was in the most emotionally abusive relationship I’ve ever encountered. I know that now. But then, I seriously attached every ounce of my being into this piece of shit relationship. So when it ended..it was like I was 15 all over again. Except this time I REALLY fucking thought we would get married (( L O fucking L)). At this point I had been self harming through the whole relationship ((that alone should’ve been a red flag but I’m a fucking moron so)) so it just got worse and worse after the shit stain dumped my clinically insane depressed ass like a hot fucking potato....over the phone. 10 months of artificial happiness and love down the drain. Good fucking riddance. From then on, I was told that my sadness, my outbursts, my tantrums, my moods, and all my negative feelings were misplaced, out of touch, and completely unreasonable. I had a nice house, my own two rooms, a computer, a phone, and basically everything I ever asked for. I was still so fucking unhappy all the time. Nothing really kept me together long enough. And this time, I really fucking lost it. I dyed my hair twenty different colors. I was ugly crying every minute of every day. I attempted suicide. I started throwing up my meals. I wouldn’t eat. I’d eat too much. I never went outside. I never did anything. I was told my feelings weren’t valid and that I was being dramatic. Oh, and that “Crying does nothing but get your face wet.” which..is true. But a little word of advice to parents, don’t fucking tell your depressed ass, suicidal fucking daughter that her tears aren’t worth shit. It literally took me screaming at my dad saying “I want to fucking kill myself” for him to realize that I needed some fucking help. So I got it. Psychotherapy was my new outlet.

Tiny flash forward to the best month of my life. November of 2014. This we shall call Phase 3 - And he comes outta nowhere! But he only RKO’ed my heart. Enter Javi, the goofy ass fucking light of my life that I’m lucky enough to call my fiance. I don’t think he really knew what he was getting himself into, and he tried to get out about 6 months in, but clearly we didn’t let that happen. Now here we are almost 3 years in. If you know us, we fight....kinda a lot. We yell and argue about everything we see, hear, or touch. But we love each other way more than all of that shit. I can’t tell you how much Javi and I have been through. That would take a whole blog. But what I can tell you is that he’s been able to cope with my dickheads better than I have. So many nights of sobbing. So many anxiety attacks. So many broken promises. So many nights on the couch. So much anger. So much frustration. So much fucking everything. We’ve been through it all. He has absolutely saved my life in every way possible. Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s been hell. Worse than hell. I’ve been more anxious in the past year than the rest of my life. I’ve had more attacks and more break downs that I can count. But the difference now is that I have someone who loves me anyway. I have someone who is right next to me when I’m screaming and blacking out trying to punch myself in the face. I have someone come check on me when I’m quiet for too long. He knows my triggers and my relievers. He might cause an anxiety attack. He might save me from one. But he’s still there. Every single time. 

Now that I’ve given you an overview of my depressing ass past few years, let’s talk about where we go from here. I started typing this because I saw a post on facebook about anxiety, and I decided I had some shit to say on the subject. So from here on out I’ll be covering my own personal experiences with the dickheads that poison my life. This we’ll kinda use as our table of contents. A very short and broad table of contents with lots of little stories and lessons to be learned here and there. I’m not sure how often I’ll blog. But I hope you’ll be here to read them all.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself. You’re loved and you’re worth it.

Until next time, Sarahhmoonshoes