#simple in the sense that people really do just need consistent support and love to be able to care for themselves again

[levyfiles]

is it just me or is this kinda not a good idea?

I think it's a gamble. And like anyone who cares about something deeply, watching it take a high-stakes gamble can be terrifying.

What I think people don't take into consideration is just how flooded their recent youtube videos have been with scammy sponsors and cheap fast-product get-rich-quick scheming vendors. Sure, their writers and producers made it fun by adding some really excellent characters to the mix, but I wouldn't touch a thing like Mistplay if you paid me as much as they paid Watcher for their video. However, the thing is, look around at all the youtubers you know who are up and coming. You can't make it on that platform without advertising trash to your audience.

With the vimeo OTT program, i believe there is a shared revenue and more incentive to promote more simple dedicated engagement; it's not ad sense clicks; it's just clicks. It's a soft start and there are going to be some kinks to work out but if they get to control their brand more and decide what gets made without needing some nu-venture, cash hungry sponsor to look at it, then I think they could change media online for the better.

Having said all that, the execution? Not their best. Watcher--listen, I love them so much--has had a consistent and terminal administrative problem and that means stuff falls through the cracks. From a communicative standpoint, when you're about to take your company in a controversial direction, you should know two things.

The backlash! You gotta get ahead of it. You need your PR team on the go a MONTH before launch

Always soft launch a big move. Get your feelers out for how people react especially if you don't have the kind of shark PR person who would know already that people don't respond well to paying for something they didn't used to pay for.

Watcher is still a baby company in so many forms and I will wholeheartedly support their move to do what they can to keep control of their creative content today and in the future. I'm not in their offices so I can't make as prescriptive a judgement as Twitter feels emboldened to about capitalism and greed or whoever they think their audience is however I can and will say that with any form of growth, the growing pains are going to show. i'll give them grace as they pivot and figure out how best to move forward especially with the volume of vitriol the internet loves to spew when they feel entitled to art forms that used to be free.

I'll say it again. At least we're no longer having garbage peddled at us regardless how much I crave Fabian Sax biblically.

[spacequokka]

BTS Kinks & Turn Ons

Right, so I lost a bet with @iibonniee​ and she got to choose the next thing I posted from my project list. It’s also Tipsy Drabble Friday so guess who’s vibing~ This is more drunk headcanon than my other birth chart interpretations so be prepared for some certyfied shitposting.

Seokjin || Venus: Capricorn, Mars: Cancer || Kink: Roleplay

The bedroom is his stage and best believe he’s ready to put on a show. Be willing to follow his head and take direction to have the night of your life. Specifically, says he likes big tits, so there’s that. Can be a nympho at times. 

Yoongi || Venus: Aries, Mars: Cancer || Kink: Daddy Dom

Yeah, I said it. Likes being in control, caring for his partner as well as punishing them (sugar and ice). Loves giving gifts he can use or see in use. Honestly a softie under that grumpy cat look. Very good at after care and dealing with subspace without going overboard. 10/10 best daddy. Tends to fall in love, especially with people who consistently hype him up and support his ideas.

Hoseok || Venus: Pisces, Mars: Aquarius || Kink: Phone Sex

Lures you in with sweetness and fluffy playfulness. Sensitive and romantic. Loves to surprise you. But will also call you up and turn you on no matter where you are or what you’re doing. At work? Touch yourself under the desk. At the mall? Find a dressing room and let him see what you have on under that shirt. Needs to hear you get off. Wants to make sure he stays on your mind when he’s not next to you.

Namjoon || Venus: Scorpio, Mars: Cancer || Kink: Orgasm Control

Deeply devoted to pleasing you and is fucking amazing at it. Just imagine that beautiful mind focused on making you cum as many times as you can take it. Of course, this comes at a cost: you cum at his command, over and over, until you use your safeword. Don’t tap out, baby. Will thoroughly fuck your mind before he does your body. Prone to jealousy and will ensure you remember no one else will ever fuck you as well as he can. And I ain’t even mad, tbh.

Jimin || Venus: Scorpio, Mars: Scorpio || Kink: Praise with dom tendencies

Not Serendipity coming on when I get to him. Even if you don’t know shit about astrology, you know looking at double Scorpio, it just makes fucking sense, right? Like, of course, he is. Little menace to my bias list. Alrighty, so another pleasure giving king who loves your attention. (Charlie Puth didn’t lie.) Can’t stand your mind being anywhere but on him when he gets you alone. Will fuck you stupid until you fall apart so he can put you back together to his liking. Save yourself. Lives for training and breaking you in. Sounds possessive but really it’s you possessing him. He’s that devoted to you when you steal his heart. It’s only fair, no? Will gladly let you lead once you’re as drunk on him as he is for you. There’s little he won’t do for you after that.

Taehyung || Venus: Aquarius, Mars: Capricorn || Kink: Brat Taming

Thinking about that time I read @tatertotthethot​​‘s The Dom Next Door and Tae had a tat on his hand that said YOUR THROAT HERE like yes. He’d thoroughly enjoy the challenge of getting you to submit. He wouldn’t even have to do anything special to punish you. Just ignoring you when you’re acting out is enough because you know the pleasure you’re missing out on. Like why bother? When you get it together, he’ll toy with you until you’re crying and shaking then punish you with dick. We support Big Dick Tae in this house. Lowkey and determined with a slight temper and a need to stay in control.

Jungkook || Venus: Libra, Mars: Scorpio || Kink: Auralism

A gentle lover who wants to make your relationship work. Just wants to be treated fairly and share everything with you. 🥺 What gets him going is your voice, the little moans you make when you taste something delicious or when he hits that spot just right. It seems simple, but does so much for him. Especially when your mouth’s right by his ear. He’ll do everything he can to hear your voice. If you leave him a voicemail, you can bet he’ll save it just to listen to later when he can’t get his hands on you.

[mynonclicheblog]

One final Never Have I Ever love triangle thematic analysis

I've said this in one of my posts before, but the narrative is always going to favor what is best for Devi. A lot of what makes this show so juicy to dive into is because so much of its meaning is rooted in symbolism and higher concepts, not just the individual interactions you're looking at onscreen!

I think that's what doesn't work for some (not all) pro-Dxton anti-Ben folks. They see Paxton being respectful and kind to Devi, they see that he's the attractive object of her desire from day 1, and they see that the two of them genuinely do help each other in certain ways. But when these same people look at Benvi, they only see Ben making obnoxious comments to Devi (+ others), they see childish behavior and mistakes being made, and they see them frequently butting heads due to their shared competitive nature.

And honestly? I get it. These conclusions are easy to come to when you're looking at the surface, but they don't take into account the full story that's being told.

Let's get into it. 😎👇

So I mentioned earlier the idea of what is best for Devi. Not what is best for any regular person out there -- what is best for Devi Vishwakumar! Our girl expresses in no uncertain terms that she enjoys her hypercompetitive rivalry-turned-bond with Ben ("Ben's smart and we talk- mostly argue- for hours!" // "I don't want to break up with Ben. He really pushes me.") The fact that they fight and compete is not a detriment to their compatibility, it is actually the thing that makes him most desirable in her mind. She would not have wanted to be with him in the first place if this were not true. Their sharp-tongued communication style may not be the standard picture of a 'healthy' relationship for most people, but, well. Devi and Ben are far from most people.

Devi is an incredibly emotional, dynamic person who's always searching for another high. The competitive nature of her relationship with Ben is enough to satisfy her itch for novelty/excitement (her differences with Paxton don't hit this box), yet Ben's presence also provides a comforting long-term consistency in her life. He's seen the very best and the very worst of her and he always comes back. He frequently brings Devi back to herself, too, when she loses sight of what matters (friendships, family, sense of self, her goals, etc).

Then there's the dream vs. reality dichotomy that very much applies to this love triangle. Simple as it may be, it's accurate. I believe it was built that way on purpose because of how well it reflects Devi's relationships to Mohan and Nalini, which is the beating heart of what NHIE is all about. One (Mo/Pax) is more outwardly palatable than the other and provides an easygoing, self-soothing escapism that she needs in order to work through her grief. This person represents youth and the rose-colored past; Devi's tendency to idealize and indulge. The other person (Nal/Ben) is sharper around the edges, a bit harder to swallow, but pushes Devi to do better and supplies the support she needs. This person represents Devi's grounded reality; her time in the present and the woman she is growing into.

They are both important pieces of Devi's journey, but the themes of past vs. present speak for themselves. The past is something we keep in our heart; in this case, it's someone who has impacted us and we'll always carry with us -- but the ultimate goal is to move forward from that. The central relationship of Never Have I Ever is that of Devi & Nalini as they heal and grow together. In terms of Devi's romantic life (which is what this analysis is about), her relationship with Ben is the one that more closely shadows the series arc between her & Nalini.

I'd like to address some things by the individual season now. One of my observations watching s1 for the first time was that Paxton was usually aligned with bad things in Devi's life, whereas Ben was aligned with the good. ie, Paxton was the root cause of Devi's falling out with Elfab and Nalini // Ben is the one who repaired those relationships. These things aren't Paxton's fault, nor do I place any blame on him. They're just subtle narrative choices that send up unspoken flags saying, hey look, this isn't the right person for her. This theme remained in s1 for the most part, but given that it was NHIE's debut season, it planted several seeds for me about who the boys were for Devi and how they fit into her world.

Season 2 does a lot to sort out the difference in what Devi thinks she wants (Paxton) and what her heart truly wants (Ben). Yes, I'm going there, too: head vs heart. Devi's underlying preference for Ben > Paxton should be easy to spot as early as 2x01 -- if only for the fact that Devi finally bagged the hot guy of her dreams, yet, choosing to be with him isn't easy for her. In fact, as both Devi and Eleanor confirm later, she wanted to choose Ben in the first place. Like... that's crazy when you think about it!!! Despite all the pieces falling into place for her and Paxton, and against her friends' shallow advice, she decides that she won't let go of Ben. Instead, she makes the misguided decision to date both. This isn't the kind of mistake she'll ever make again. It isn't Devi acting out because of Ben -- it signals a profound attachment to him when, all things considered, picking Paxton should have been a no brainer. That revealed everything I needed to know in order to understand that being with Paxton wasn't what she wanted in her heart of hearts.

Then, of course, 3x10 brings that all home with the stomach knots comparison. It tells us that since Devi and Paxton have moved into a place of friendship, with him no longer on a pedestal, those romantic feelings (particularly on her part) have dissipated. As a bonus, Devi even explicitly states that Paxton was a dream! Ben, however -- her flawed reality -- is the one who still gives her butterflies. This is the result of Devi's slow awakening to her true inner self, the Devi who values realness and authenticity and loving through imperfection. It's a step closer to the complete acceptance of herself. (Notice as well that right after this point, it becomes more undeniable than ever that Ben is who she wants to be with.)

As long as Paxton was a romantic possibility for Devi, their relationship was tied to her feelings of insecurity and inferiority. Again this is not Paxton's fault -- he assures her of the opposite all the time -- but this is Devi's story, and we are shown over and over that Devi fears true vulnerability with Paxton (both sexually and emotionally). Compare this to the way she has always felt confident, seen, driven, and unabashedly herself in her relationship with Ben, even when they were enemies. At a glance Devi may appear to act more immature in Ben's orbit, but the truth is that she grows with him more than anyone else (besides Nalini) thanks to Ben's penchant for encouraging accountability and showing her that actions can have consequences.

Anyway, TLDR version:

Paxton = Devi's youth, Mohan, grief, distraction, the past, idealism, and the head (constructed ideas).

Ben = Devi's future, Nalini, healing, confrontation, the present, reality, and the heart (authentic truths).

Never Have I Ever's romantic story structure rests on the premise of these symbolic definitions. They are gospel, and while the characters will grow and change and become better versions of themselves, they will do so within the lines that are already drawn. The lines exist for a reason -- they are a narrative tool! These characters cannot and should not 'grow out' of their roles because those roles are their identities within the show's framework. Character development isn't getting wasted, because the characters are exactly who they are meant to be right through to the end. They are symbols. If that's not your cup of tea then so be it! But there's nothing wrong with this writing style. In fact it's one of my personal favorites because everything is so neatly defined, yet fascinating to read into 🥰

The imperfect Ben had to be Devi's true love because her love interests are, in a way, reflections of herself. By no fault of his own, Devi always felt the need to be "perfect" for Paxton because that's how she viewed him; a false paragon of everything she wanted to be. That is the point of their story together. Her acceptance of the deep love she has for Ben (and Nalini!), despite his sometimes off-putting demeanor, is aligned with Devi's acceptance of her own imperfections -- that she is hot-headed, she can be self-absorbed, she makes mistakes -- but that she is also brilliant and driven and caring and radiant, and she is equally worthy of receiving the love that she has to offer others.

Narratively speaking, it was never truly a competition.

[aihoshiino]

what did serina think of goro can you explain their relationship

Gorou and Sarina's relationship is interesting because it's kind of deceptively simple while being unintentionally complicated by the mountains of baggage they were both unintentionally bringing to things. Sarina -> Gorou is pretty straightforward though; as the one person who was by her side when she had nobody else in the world, he was her light and she obviously adored him. DeviousChair on the OnK subreddit also made a really good point a while back that we know that Sarina had issues with memory loss as her tumor progressed and so past a certain point, her strongest and most immediate memories would have been of Gorou caring for her. This does a lot to inform why she latched onto him and Ai with the intensity that she did, imo; past a certain point they were basically the only consistent comforting presences in her life.

The Ichibanboshi no Spica novel was a bit of a miss for me for various reasons but something it did (however accidentally) that I really liked was emphasizing the way that Gorou was basically everything and everyone to her from her POV, just out of emotional necessity: at various points across the story she compares him to a friend, an older brother, her parents (by contrasting him against them) and, of course, as her crush. I think this confused muddying of feelings and not knowing exactly what to make of their relationship rings really true and makes a lot of sense because like... how do you define a relationship like that? Especially since he wasn't her actual doctor, he was just the emotional support middle aged guy who would hang out with her and have nerdy chats LOL. Sarina had nobody so Gorou had to be her everybody.

That said, while this connection is sweet there's also an unfortunate but tbh inevitable angle of codependency as well. Since Gorou is her everything, if he's gone then she has nothing. Spica touches on this briefly but we see it most clearly in Ruby at the end of the Private arc and going into Mainstay. Even in a life where all of her dreams have come true, where she has a caring and present family and a robust support system of people who love her, she has so many hopes and so much of her emotional well-being riding on the *idea* of Gorou that being faced with a permanent separation from him contributes to a mental health spiral so catastrophic that only Gorou himself seemingly returning to her can hit pause on it.

It probably goes without saying, but this is an insanely unhealthy level of attachment to have to someone! Obviously, everything to do with Aqua and Ruby's mental health is complicated by their unique circumstances and their losing Ai at such a young age but again: this is Ruby 16+ years out from last seeing him, who has grown up surrounded by people who love and support her and her mental wellbeing is still this dependent on the idea of Gorou and she's still convincing herself that she can have her end goal of being in a relationship with him.

@aquahater made a really excellent post touching on this angle of Ruby's clinging onto the idea of Gorou, characterizing it (imo, correctly) as Ruby basically just wanting to live her life as 'Sarina 2.0' and rejecting any changes or emotionally inconvenient truths that could prevent that from happening. It's totally understandable why she would want this and I can't even say I blame her for it... but she does need to accept that it isn't going to work out the way she so obviously hopes it is.

[variousqueerthings]

okay I didn't go into Victory of the Daleks whilst watching cos I think it's trash, but let's do the Measurement on it!

sexism rank objectification (female character is ogled/harassed/turned into a sex joke by the doctor and/or a lead we’re supposed to root for and/or the camera): 9/10

sexism rank plot-point (lead female character is only there to serve plot, not to have her emotional interiority explored): 3/10

interesting complex or pointlessly complex (does the complexity serve the narrative or does it just serve to be confusing as a stand-in for smart, this includes visually): 6/10

furthers character and/or lore and/or plot development (broader question that ties into the previous ones, at least two of these, ideally three should be fulfilled): 5/10

companion matters (the companion doesn’t always have to be there, but if the companion is there, can they function without the doctor– and overall per season how often is the companion the focus or POV of the story): 5/10

the doctor is more than just “godlike” (examines the doctor’s flaws and limitations, doesn’t solve a plot by having it revolve entirely around the doctor’s existence): 6/10

doesn’t look down on previous doctor who (by erasing or mocking its importance, by redoing and “bettering” previous beloved plotpoints or characters, etc.): 7/10

isn’t trying to insert hamfisted sexiness (m*ffat famously talked a lot about how dw should be sexier multiple times, he sucks at writing it): 8/10

internal world has consistency (characters have backgrounds, feel rooted in a place with other people, generally feel like they have Lives): 3/10

Politics (how conservative is the story): 1/10

FULL RATING: 53/100 (if I can count….)

Christopher Eccleston I hope you never watched the last two episodes, in which the Doctor was personal friends with various members of the royal family and supports its structures, and the Doctor is personal friends with Winston Churchill....

also I've gotta be honest, Matt Smith's acting isn't giving it in this in terms of the Dalek Trauma, but then none of the episode is

I liked the Doctor going "Amy- Amelia!" when worried for her safety

OBJECTIFICATION: At least there's none of that really. Second miniskirt, but youknow. that's Amy's wardrobe most of the time.

PLOT-POINT: nothing is really explored about Amy in this episode, but I guess not every episode needs to be doing that. I think her relationship with the Doctor continues to be written a bit to the left of what makes sense for them, considering the past, but I'm willing to consider that she just wants the adventure and not to think too much about things

COMPLEXITY: I mean, it's not complicated at all. if anything it's a bit simple. bringing the Daleks back like this, in a way that previously was reserved for Very Special Episodes. marks the beginning of the end of the Daleks as serious villains....

CHARACTERS/LORE/PLOT: because the Daleks make very little sense in this, it's kind of dumb lore, but way more interesting is the tidbit that Amy doesn't remember the events of previous seasons

now I've previously disliked this plotpoint, because I feel like it never properly gets resolved despite the cracks in time later on being... uncracked. however it is cool when it's first mentioned!

COMPANIONS MATTER: Amy does mostly one thing, which is remind the guy who's actually a robot what it is to be human, so he doesn't blow up, and she does it by reminding him... that he was in love once.....

“hey Paisley… ever fancied someone you know you shouldn’t… hurts doesn’t it… but kind of a good hurt…” <- look I’m biased but I’d just explode if I were a secret Dalek bomb RIP to all of us aros, but we're not really human

this wouldn't needle so much, if I didn't know that this is so much of M*ffat's thesis. romantic love is better than any other forms of connection

“GODLIKE” DOCTOR: the Doctor is kind of the point of this episode in that they needed his voice to make the plot work, and then he's badass, and then it ends. it's not "godlike," but it's just. not a good episode. the end.

PREVIOUS DOCTOR WHO: So this also ties into the lore -- I kind of like right now how it definitely does acknowledge the previous narratives and it's weird that Amy doesn't know that it happened... highly suspect

“SEXINESS”: we're fine on the sexiness overall. minimum trying to be sexy outside of the general weirdness of the miniskirts as a Choice

INTERNAL WORLD: it's not good folks. it's trying to be so big and impressive and so we've got random planes in space and Churchill is Personal Friends With The Doctor and it's got this whole wink wink we know we're going to beat the Germans, because we know the Future

vs, say, M*ffat's last foray into WWII (which, granted he didn't write this episode, but this is his show now) in which you really got a sense of the fear and the unknown and the Deeply Human, because we're not just hanging out with the Most important people

it's just not recognisable as a Place and Time, beyond the need for some kind of coolness factor

and speaking of The Most Important People--

POLITICS: uuuuuuurghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh okay

I have seen someone say that this episode is actually a critique of Churchill, and honestly I was this close to skipping it, and then that dragged me in to actually give it a go and

no it is not. I mean, yes, Churchill is characterised as someone who will try to win however he can, but he's actually trying his best in a difficult situation and as the Doctor says: “the world doesn’t need me. The world’s got Winston Spencer Churchill.”

UUUUUUURGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OKAY

the doctor personal friends with winston churchill

the fucking. Hey-Ho Britain Propaganda! We'll Beat The Bally Germans Ey Lads!

FULL RATING: 53/100 (if I can count….)

It loses on the politics of course, and on the internal world-building (again related to the politics), and Amy isn't really much of anything in this episode beyond... there

it does well on... not doing the sexy sexism I guess. and it's not terrible towards other Doctor Who stories, although maybe it deserves less on that because fuuuck the shit it does with the Daleks is an insult in and of itself

it's just not a good episode

[mynameischalie]

Militarie Gun 2/14/24 @ The First Unitarian Church

Militarie Gun might have a ridiculous name for a band but there has been a breakthrough where they are reaching people as evident by most of all the sold out shows they are playing here on the Life Under The Gun tour. The First Unitarian Church here in Philadelphia they were greeted by a sold out crowd on Valentines Day. The love is real!

The band's theme is pretty simple, mistakes. Despite the irony of their song "Never Fucked Up Once" the band was pretty candid that people make mistakes but it makes for good songs because as human beings we can relate.

Buffalo's hardcore act, Spaced, took to the stage to begin the night. I have been intrigued by this band for awhile now and I appreciate their vocalist Lexi's energy. Spaced got the pit active and blistered through their songs. They played two new songs off their new record coming out March 22nd on Revelation Records "Landslide" and "Rat Race". Mostly the rest of the set consisted of songs off their record "Spaced Jams". They sounded really tight live which makes sense because they just recently joined this tour. I would be more than willing to see Spaced again. I picked myself up a Snoopy Spaced shirt from them and found it funny that the vocalist folded it like a mom. She was sweet and the rest of the guys in the band were chill. Go support them!

Landslide

Your Universe

Boomerang

rat race

Bad Energy

Tear Me Down

Cycle Killer

Tear It Apart

Not Like You

Point of View

Prove You Wrong

San Francisco's Spiritual Cramp were next. This was my fourth time seeing these dudes. They got a MUCH better reaction than the last time I saw them here with Blacklisted. These guys kicked ass and that's all you really need to know. It's like Talking Heads mixed with Viagra Boys. There's a ton of raw energy that these guys pump out and if you want to discover a more recent band that's worth the hype it's these dudes. Great set!

Blowback

I Feel Bad Bein' Me

Talkin’ On The Internet

Slick Rick

Herberts On Holiday

Catch a Hot One

Phone Line's Down

Nah That Ain't It

Earth to Mike

Better Off This Way

Florida's Pool Kids was a nice change of pace on an already stacked lineup. Pool Kids got a very nice reaction from the crowd and obviously has a built in fan base already. It should be reported the first stage dive of the night came from this Pool Kids set by a guest appearance by Sweet Pill's vocalist. Personally, I enjoyed what PK was supplying for the majority of their set. Some of their songs really hit while others were just meh and did not capture the same energy but I found myself lost in their music. I feel like when they come back here they will most likely be headlining somewhere.

Swallow

That's Physics, Baby

$5 Subtweet

Further

Comes in Waves

I Hope You're Right

Pathetic

Arm's Length

Conscious Uncoupling

Talk Too Much

Militarie Gun was the last to take the stage as the headliners. I'll just say this, Militarie Gun on record has their standout songs BUT a lot of their music can sound the same after awhile. I wanted to see how this translated live and I have to be honest at times during their set the songs kinda blended together and I found myself a little bored. Musically and vocally the band sounded top notch and lots of stage dives were in play here which kept things exciting. The push pit was highly active, yes you heard me the push pit. I had a good time, and I felt like the band pretty much played everything they had to offer from their first two records. I will say the Dazy's "Pressure Cooker" song was one of those songs that was a pleasure to hear live. That song is a banger for sure. They waited on "Do It Faster" to play last which as you can imagine sent the crowd into a frenzy. I enjoyed my first time seeing Militarie Gun but I have to see where they go with the next record sound wise. They are a young upcoming band so they have lots of time to grow and evolve. You should absolutely hit this tour up if you are reading this and perhaps on the west coast. It is an awesome lineup of bands!!

Seizure of Assets

Think Less

Let Me Be Normal

Pressure Cooker(Dazy cover)

My Friends are Having a Hard Time

Return Policy

Will Logic

Don't Pick Up the Phone

Disposable Plastic Trash

Dislocate Me

Ain't No Flowers

Sway Too

Never Fucked Up Once

Big Disappointment

Life Under The Gun

All Roads Lead to the Gun

Song 2(Blur cover)

Very High

Do It Faster

[dodger-chan]

(I wanted to send you an Ask and unfollowed you by mistake, sorry)

So... what are your favourite characters in Star Trek? It can be individual characters or the general type, whichever you want to talk about :)

(those buttons are awfully close to each other, aren't they?)

You might be sorry you asked this. I currently have a chest cold and can't sleep, so it's going to get long. I should probably put a cut in to reduce dash clutter.

When I was a kid my parents had a collection of betamax tapes (yep, I'm that old) with original series episodes on them, taped from reruns. And kid me was massively in love with Uhura. She was just so cool. She didn't get stuck with a romance plot. She could sing. She was so smart. Also, her cute quip in "The Naked Time"

Sulu: I'll protect you, fair maiden

Uhura: Sorry, neither

was how I learned that "fair" could mean "light colored" as well as "pretty."

At about the same age I watched a few episodes of Next Generation, and didn't care for it, but did adore Geordi. Probably because he was played by LeVar Burton, who also hosted a kids show I loved called Reading Rainbow. When Darling Spouse wanted to full Star Trek rewatch with me, I ended up preferring Data. In part, I think, because the episodes centering him tended towards the philosophical, what it means to be human. Also in part because Brent Spiner was just really good in the role.

Voyager mostly consisted of characters I found annoying, but I did have a certain fondness for Neelix. He was cheerful, a supportive boyfriend, and a very resourceful cook (I stand by my headcanon that people in the Federation are just spice wimps).

Enterprise was a very difficult show for me. On the one hand, Hoshi was cool (yay linguistics). On the other hand, the show committed the cardinal sin of ruining my favorite Star Trek stupid headcanon: that Orion Slave Girls are a trope from pornography. It would just make more sense as a common fantasy. Also, there was never going to be a better explanation for the change in Klingon make up than "We do not speak of it." And this is drifting very far from favorite characters, so back to that.

Deep Space Nine was actually the series we began that full Trek rewatch with, and despite my initial skepticism, I think it's my favorite series of the Star Trek universe. I liked having a serial plot (I am a big Babylon 5 fan from back in the day) and I loved so many of the characters. Major Kira, who had to grow into her new position. Commander/Captain Sisko, most Dad of all time. Quark, ruthless and greedy but also a devoted uncle and kind friend (I am so glad I got to know the Ferangi in DS9 before I saw them in Next Gen, because, oof are they an uncomfortable watch there). Nearly every villain, but particularly Winn and Dukat. And my absolute favorite, Garak. Plain, simple Garak. He's everything I love in a character: mysterious past, ambiguously amoral, so clearly queer I'm not sure you can even call it queer coding. I love his constant lying. His disdain for earth literature (I need to write the fic where he discovers Wilde). He is the best, and Uhura is his only potential competition.

[makespaceforspirit]

Collage by K. Ibura

Last month, I ran across a post on IG. It argued that people who like to avoid being seen were often bullied as children. I showed it to my cousin, and I said, I like to hide out but I wasn't bullied as a child. She squinted at me to see if I was serious. "You weren't bullied as a child?!?" she asked, her voice challenging me to think again.

I've talked about my penchant for avoiding the spotlight all my life. I love anonymity. It's one of the things I love about living in New York as opposed to my hometown of New Orleans. I have a big family and everywhere you go, you're running into a relative or a friend or a high school classmate. It's not that I don't want to see and connect with my community, I just like feeling I can live my life without eyes on me.

I've always accredited my comfort in the shadows with being the middle child of five. When there was so much chaos in the house, if I kept quiet, I wouldn't get caught breaking the rules, lol. I've never needed or desired public witness. I have my circle of friends whose gaze I enjoy receiving and I love reveling in the appreciative gaze of a colleague who is in the trenches with me or a beloved who holds me in affectionate embrace. But if the average person looks past me, I'm just fine with that.

Welp, upon closer examination, I can say I was bullied as a child... a lot. I didn't have a bully in the classic sense. There was no one at school who bullied me, no recurring person causing me physical or emotional harm. (My brothers were big bullies at home, but that's another story.) Instead I was consistently and constantly bullied by strangers.

In the 90s, me and my family were oddballs. We were vegetarian at a time where people thought yogurt was exotic. We shopped at Whole Foods when one of its early stores was cramped into a residential building in New Orleans. But what offended strangers was my short natural hair. They were relentless. The simple bus ride from school to home would be full of people's horrible opinions. I got called Grace Jones and Kojak more times than I can remember. And when I wasn't avoiding the glares and wounding words of people who didn't appreciate my hair, I was dodging the advances of men—grown men, young adult men, teenagers. Men were predatory and persistent, sucking their teeth, commenting on our bodies, grabbing our hands, demanding our phone numbers. The public world was a minefield.

For some people, the type of hostility I faced would make them want to change themselves. I never wanted to change myself, I just wanted people to leave me alone. Invisibility would have been a gift. I craved attention from my friends and from an adoring teenage boy who would love me for who I was, but other than that, everyone else could walk on past.

It's funny how the influences of our formative years don't necessarily disappear on their own. I've fought the pull towards invisibility over the course of my entire writing career. I remember when I launched my very first website, I had a tiny, tiny picture of myself with a colored overlay on it. Someone wrote in to tell me he couldn't really see my picture. And I wrote back, what does my writing have to do with what I look like?

All those years ago, I wanted people to love the words, and to my view that had nothing to do with knowing or loving me. So when I pulled A Fierce Desert Flower (as discussed in the previous post) and read its description about being seen, I took a deep breath and let the message in.

Rae Diamond, author of The Cantigee Oracle cards writes: Something in you or in your life is ready to explode in color and presence, and to be seen. And as is the purpose of any flower, this is something that will bring further support to you once you let it show. We all want to magnetize and draw support to us. When bring seen has historically brought the opposite, it is just instinct to shun the spotlight. I've learned that I'm very comfortable being seen when I'm helping others find ways to free their voices and engage with their authentic selves. I don't mind being seen when I'm being a contribution and sharing the challenges and hacks of my journey with others. I still avoid posting pictures of myself and daily slices of my life as much as I can, but have been committed to doing what I can to support a long healthy life for my writing.

Do you struggle with being seen? If so, what encourages you to share yourself against your instincts? I truly believe a harmonious world is one where we all have the space to express our thoughts, feelings and creativity. Those expressions all call for being seen. I will continue meditating on ways to be and express without letting the punishing gaze of my past silence my communications. I will pray for your voice to be unfettered and free!

🙏🏾🙏🏾

Onward!

—K. Ibura

[pruning-the-minds-garden]

For the ask game:

1, 5, 15 the first (actually 14, misnumbered), 20, 35, 44, 50, 57, 68, 83 - obviously only as far as you're comfortable. Feel free to skip any you might not want to do!

Bonus: not 27+28 - what are two things that annoy you about the gender binary XD

1. What have you eaten today?

Well it's 7 AM right now and I've not quite gotten around to eating anything just yet, but I should get on that...

5. What is your favorite scent?

I don't have a very strong sense of smell (only one nostril works at all, and that one has never worked very well - long story), so I'm not very scent-oriented outside of when I'm in the kitchen. But, I am told that scents like oak, moss, amber, some jasmines, darker florals, stuff like that are really nice. Since I am a sucker for operant conditioning as much as the next human so people responding well to them on me makes me respond well to them on me.

I don't go for the out and out "masculine" scents, though - your "leather" and "motor oil" and "cordite" and stuff like that, things deliberately designed and marketed to sound "tough and manly." Ick. No. I have no desire to smell like that.

[14.] Which do you prefer: a museum, a night club, the forest or a library?

Well, a night club is definitely at the bottom of the list. It's loud and crowded and that's definitely not my scene. The number of clubs and club-like scenes I've been to in my entire life can be counted on one hand.

Aside from that, those all sound lovely. Take your pick, really. I spent a substantial chunk of my childhood just walking through a national forest and boating around a huge lake that my grandmother had a house on the shore of, and she took me to museums and libraries because that's the kind of person she was and I am. Whenever I go to a new city I visit those places. Heck, I go re-visit old museums periodically and regularly support local libraries, also.

20. Are you holding on to something you need to let go of? If so then what?

Many, many things. I've an appointment with a therapist this evening to talk about some of them.

35. What jewelry are you wearing right now, and where did you get it?

I don't often wear jewelry. I find the sensory experience very unpleasant. Even wearing a wedding ring I find to be rather jarring. Obviously I do it because it's a symbol of fidelity and loyalty and respect (though at the end of the day it's just a piece of metal and those things remain true whether it's there or not), but it's still a bit... unpleasant. I don't have bracelet or watches or pendants/necklaces or earrings or anything like that, for that reason. Though, I have bought many fine pieces of jewelry with cool stories. My favorite is the first ring I bought for my now-wife, then-girlfriend. Hit me up in DM and I'll tell it to you. ;-)

44. What do people call you?

Mark is my name, though also MG or Minds. :-)

50. Favorite fruits?

I like Bananas, Rainier Cherries, Honeycrisp Apples, and Strawberries

57. What would your dream house be like?

Oh gosh that's a long description. My literal dream house, as in one that has consistently appeared in my dreams, is a cottage that is built some distance away from a lake that is itself inside a valley surrounded on all sides by misty mountain peaks. There is a small stream - and by small I mean, like, I can cross it with two or three steps - going to the lake and there is also a dock jutting out into the lake. The house is made of light grey mossy stone, with a bay window on the side facing the lake, and on the inside there are a lot of books and a fireplace. The temperature is not quite warm but also not uncomfortably chill, and the mist in the air is thick enough that the sun isn't quite clear in the sky, ever. Going inside the house it is a fairly simple affair, with my needs tended to but not a whole lot more.

Not exactly practical and it leave a whole lot out that I'd want in the real world - internet access, a car, my spouse, etc - but it's a good start.

68. Describe your hair.

It's past my shoulders, wavy, and dirty blonde. I haven't cut it in about four years. I put it into a pony tail sometimes when I am going to work (I work in a science lab) or my wife braids it for me. Because I never learned how to braid it as a kid I don't have the muscle memory to do it for myself, and I have trouble doing it in a reasonable amount of time in the mornings. Also...

83. Do you like when people play with your hair?

Lord yes I love it. That is one of the best parts about having long hair. Please for the love of all that is holy play with my hair I'll melt.

27.5 What are two things that irritate you about the [gender binary]?

I'll give one general thing, and one thing that's specific to my own experience of it.

The general thing: the sexualization of very young children, even infants. "Oh look, Timmy has a girlfriend!" "Oh look, he's gonna be such a heartbreaker!" -- ma'am, that's a barely sentient potato you're talking to and it wants a nipple for a completely different reason than you're implying. Used to be, we put white dresses on infants - all infants - until they got to a certain age, simply for ease, and I think that's really not so bad an idea. This whole aggressive gendering of everything is kind of insane. People think it's cute, but I really do not find it to be cute at all, and I think we should just let kids be kids and not try to fit them into the cognitive boxes we carve out for adults from the time they are 6 months old just for our own amusement.

The specific me thing: I'm not able to cry. I'm AMAB, and was raised with the idea that to cry is to show weakness, that "real men" don't do that, etc etc... and now I find, as I near 40, that even as I accept and proclaim that I'm not a real man thankyouverymuch, that when times get tough and I struggle with emotional periods in my life when I know it would be better to allow myself to feel the sadness I'm feeling... I just can't. I'm like a bathtub without a drain. I can feel the emotions building up, and then something in me just goes "no," and pushes that down. It is frustrating as hell.

From the Ask Away Tumblr Ask Game!

[operahousebookworm]

"I know my parent is consistently horrible, but my kid deserves a relationship with their grandparent" no, your kid deserves a relationship with a warm, loving, supportive elder, and your horrible parent has already destroyed the chances of their being that person by not being that person. Shitty people carry on being shitty because people feel obligated to keep them around no matter what. Don't buy into it. They might be capable of change, but they're never gonna start down that road until there are actual, palpable consequences for being shitty.

The real question is, why do you think having a relationship with a grandparent is an intrinsic good? What do you hope your kid gets out of it?

If it's just another loving adult in their life, there are plenty of candidates! Family is what you make.

If it's a connection with their heritage, there are other ways to do that. Look for other members of that community, education groups, resources, local events, etc. Maybe that means you need to reconnect to that heritage so you can be that person for your kid yourself.

If it's a way to give them a mentor who can provide a perspective from a previous generation, other people of that generation exist. Maybe you already know them, maybe you can encourage your kid to volunteer in places where they can connect with those folks. (Or volunteer with your kid, my mom did that with us a lot.)

If it's because you're determined to retain your own relationship with your parent and you think their role as a grandparent is part of that, no. Relationships aren't transitive, and your obligation to protect and nurture your child far outweighs any obligation you may feel to that parent. If your parent doesn't want a relationship with you unless they can also have one with the kid, then I'm so sorry, but they don't want a relationship with you, and it's going to be up to you to sort through the feelings that brings up.

If it's just a vague sense that this is the way things "should" be, also no. Western societal pressures around family structures turn out to be really bad for the development of a functional and emotionally healthy human person, actually. Plenty of people do not have their grandparents in their lives for whatever reason. Grandparents are not a value-add by virtue of existing. They can enrich a child's life by acting in ways that enrich a child's life, no more and no less. If you wouldn't want your kid around this person if there were no familial connection, your kid should not be around this person. Putting that into practice may be hard as hell, but the core truth really is that simple.

[melbarblog-blog]

Tips for achieving cellular wellness

Six tips for achieving cellular wellness

Our bodies are made up of trillions of cells, but what do we really know about them? They’re involved in virtually every activity that takes place within us—from eating to thinking to moving—and they’re constantly being replaced as we age. So how can we take care of these cells and keep them healthy? Here are some simple steps you can take to achieve cellular wellness and stay healthy year round!

Are you getting enough sleep?

Sleep is critical to proper functioning of the human body. Sleep deprivation can increase your risk of anxiety, depression, obesity, heart disease and even Alzheimer's disease. Sleep also rejuvenates your brain cells allowing you to learn faster and improving moods. According to the National Sleep Foundation adults should sleep seven to nine hours a night to be optimally healthy.

What time do you eat?

I recommend keeping a healthy circadian rhythm. This can be achieved by getting plenty of sleep and maintaining consistent eating patterns. In order to avoid insulin spikes, I recommend having protein-heavy meals in the morning with carbohydrate-heavy meals in the evening (e.g., eggs for breakfast and spaghetti for dinner). For snacks, try drinking a glass of warm water with lemon and apple cider vinegar before bed or making yourself one of these refreshing lemonade popsicles. Don't forget about probiotics either! Eating foods high in prebiotics like asparagus, broccoli, bananas, applesauce, garlic and onions will help balance your gut bacteria.

Do you get enough exercise?

One of the most effective ways to achieve a sense of wellness and have a happier, more productive life is to develop a strong and healthy relationship with your body. After all, your body is your temple, so you should treat it well! Many people overlook the importance of exercise and neglect it because they believe that they are doing enough when they lead an active lifestyle. But what we often forget about are all the small movements in between. Do you hop off the subway and walk up those stairs?

What chemicals are going into your body?

Sugars, alcohols, and processed foods are just a few of the culprits that destroy healthy cells. The people who eat the least sugar have a higher lifespan and lower levels of cancer than people who eat it regularly. This is not to say you should never have sugary foods again but try to stay away from it as much as possible. Other unhealthy substances like alcohol cause stress on your liver which can lead to cell degradation. Drinking in moderation is always better than not drinking at all.

Which supplements are you taking?

I'm taking various supplements in order to achieve cellular wellness. Here are my favorites:

- **Vitamin D**- I take these with breakfast every day, as a part of my morning routine. It's important to get enough vitamin D each day, as it is one of the nutrients responsible for maintaining healthy cells and can protect against a variety of diseases.

Are you exercising your brain as well as your body?

Exercise is a time-tested key to good health, but did you know that your brain needs some love too? Like any muscle in the body, brain cells will atrophy if they're not properly cared for. You don't need an expensive cognitive training program to beef up those neurons--you just need an active mind and a few simple steps.

In conclusion

In the end, cellular wellness comes down to how well you eat, exercise, and rest. It's not easy, but it's a critical part of staying healthy. Do your best to follow these six steps - sleep well, hydrate with clean water, nourish your body with quality food and supplements, cultivate natural healing methods such as acupuncture and massage therapy when appropriate. Find support in friends and family. Embrace positive affirmations which will lift your spirits.

https://bit.ly/3QFgvir

[uncloseted]

i read what you had to say but i still won't change my beliefs on trans people. i accept the person but not the lifestyle it is as simple as that. i knew someone who was perfectly comfortable in their gender that then changed because they were 'trans' and i can say it is nothing to do with hormones or the other stuff you mentioned but that person was deeply traumatised and needed therapy due to CSA and other forms of abuse. these people need love not people encouraging them to change themselves

Ah, okay. I think I understand now. First off, I want to say that I'm sorry your friend is struggling. But the experience you're describing isn't typical for trans people. The data we have just doesn't support the idea that most trans people transition because of trauma or abuse.

To offer a point of contrast, I've known several people who have transitioned. They've all come from loving, supportive, middle class families and didn't have any trauma in their past. And every time, it's felt like such a privilege to watch them find themselves and come into their own and to become the person they were meant to be. They're all significantly happier, mentally healthier, and more confident than they were before. In my experience, it really is a beautiful thing that improves quality of life.

And that's consistent with the findings in the scientific literature, as well. Transitioning has been found to improve quality of life, increase relationship satisfaction, higher self-esteem and confidence, and reduce anxiety, depression, suicidality, and substance use. For the .3% of people who medically transition and regret it, the reasons are most likely to be a lack of social support after transition or poor surgical outcomes using older techniques. It's also documented that transgender individuals who cannot access treatment for gender dysphoria or who encounter unsupportive social environments, are more likely than the general population to experience health challenges such as depression, anxiety, suicidality and minority stress. The data is clear. Trans people absolutely do need love. But they need love that encourages them to be themselves, whoever that is, not love that encourages them to squish themselves into the box that other people expect them to fit into.

I think it makes sense that you're concerned about people transitioning due to abuse or for other reasons that aren't really gender-related. But you're throwing the baby out with the bathwater here. Just because you know one person who transitioned due to abuse doesn't mean that all trans people have that same experience. And just because I know several people who happily transitioned doesn't mean that everyone who transitions is happy about it.

But the solution isn't to dismiss the trans experience as being a "lifestyle choice". Instead, perhaps it's to encourage trans people to seek therapy before they begin a medical transition- which is what we do. A mental health assessment is legally required before a person can start their medical transition, and long-term psychotherapy is usually required by providers before they'll let someone medically transition, especially if they're under the age of 18.

[thaeonblade]

Logics Insight: The Star Wars Prequel Trilogy 2/2

https://www.deviantart.com/thaeonblade/art/Logics-Insight-The-Star-Wars-Prequel-Trilogy-2-2-919810236 Part 2

The Importance of Darth Vader and the Characterization of Anakin Skywalker

I agree with Redlettermedia when he says that Anakin's characterization was the biggest misstep in the Prequel Trilogy. Instead of having a profound and nuanced exploration of how and why Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader, we instead got a cluttered mess. This is because Anakin's importance in the Star Wars mythos was way overemphasized in a way that not only doesn't work, but actually causes more problems for the world-building of the Prequels.

I'm not necessarily talking about Anakin killing younglings or murdering Tusken Raiders. Those incidents don't help, but they'd actually be good for Anakin's fall into darkness if everything else worked properly. Considering that Anakin is the tragic hero of the Prequel Trilogy, it make sense that he'll eventually get his hands bloody on his path to the dark side.

The problem is that George Lucas spent too much time focusing on Anakin's importance rather than letting him breath and develop as a character. George spent too much time trying to tell people how powerful Anakin is or to show off how special Anakin is rather than putting Anakin on a journey. A journey where Anakin reaches great heights before he falls down into a great fall right into villainy and evil.

So to accomplish this ill-conceived goal, George apparently messed up a lot of aspects about the Jedi and the Force to make Anakin this all important character. And George did all of this merely because Darth Vader is the most popular character in all of Star Wars and so Lucas let Vader's reputation outside of the story affect his role in the story.

So here's my thesis, I believe that George developed the no romance rule for the Jedi to force a forbidden love story onto Anakin and Padme's relationship. I also believe that the concept of midi-chlorians and the prophecy about a chosen one were specifically created and set up to make Anakin seem like the most powerful jedi ever. But instead of adding to Anakin's story, these things merely take away from them. George overlooked the idea that sometimes less is more and convoluted something that could've stayed simple and yet very effective and dramatic.

In fact, I'd dare say that removing these three aspects from the movies wouldn't change much at all other than streamline and make the world-building more consistent with itself.

Allow me a moment to break things down, shall we?

Midi-chlorians and Prophecies

"Que guitar riff"

This is Science Fantasy and generally, that means that we have a Sci-fi universe with a strong science fiction aesthetic. But remember, this is still primarily a fantasy story with the sci fi stuff being secondary in all honesty. That means that certain details don't need to be meticulously explained unless its absolutely necessary for the story and characters.

For instance, we don't know what Yoda's species and we don't need to know.

Does it make sense that Wookies can't speak english and others can't speak wookie, but Han and Chewbacca can understand each other completely? No, but who cares.

Why do star ships need to be so close to each for fleet battles? Who cares.

Why aren't people using drone fighters instead of piloted snub fighters? Doesn't matter.

Do the physics of the lightsaber make sense? Not really, but it doesn't matter.

Most fantasy fans don't question how heroes can jump into battle after battle without suffering major fatigue and exhaustion nor how they brush off realistically career ending injuries. Even the most pedantic nerd will just shrug and go with something that doesn't make sense to them if its in keeping with a good story.

A lot of battles in fantasy and sci-fi are made by people who are lacking in terms of a worthwhile sense of scale. Logistical reality should make some of the huge army numbers that we see utterly impossible to support for long periods of time. In reality, it would be a logistical nightmare to feed and supply ten thousand medieval soldiers for more than a few months. So good luck trying to support a hundred thousand soldiers.

We also often seen a lot of battles where participants use tactics that don't make sense. Lines of soldiers charging headlong into battle and clashing together into competing lethal mosh pits just didn't happen. Trained armies of all eras preferred to keep their formations and attack with the best weapons that suited their particular battle lines and strategies. In fact, the spear and bow were the most common and practical weapons to use in medieval and ancient warfare because they were cheap to make or get and it was useful in groups or individually. The sword was either a secondary weapon or a ceremonial weapon and those were only drawn when the primary weapon was set aside or lost.

But swords are just cooler so naturally we see characters using swords as main weapons in fantasy or even sci fi.

I bring all of this pedantic and nitpicky stuff up to make a point on details in your world-building. Details definitely matter, but you as the writer must consider and assess which details are most important for the story you are trying to tell. The story needs to engage your reader on an emotional level and any detail that doesn't help do that must be trimmed or set aside.

If your detail on how money works or what the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow is doesn't matter on a character, story, thematic or plot level, then it's not a detail worth dwelling on. In fact, it's fine to let certain aspects of your world-building remain ambiguous and unanswered to create mystery and intrigue in your audience.

And this is why the concept of midichlorians is something that creates more problems than it solves.

It was an over-explanation for a question that no one wanted to have answer nor was it a question that needed to be answered.

So with that said, why oh why did George feel like he had to explain the Force with midichlorians?

In fact, George's original concept for the Force was that it was an energy field that technically anyone could tap into. Yes! Anyone could be force sensitive with the right discipline, mindset, dedication and spirituality. To paraphrase George himself when answering an interviewer who asked if the Force was available to anyone who could hook into it?

“Yes, anybody could do it. Not just the Jedi. It's just the Jedi who take the time to do it. They use it like a technique. If you want to take the time to do it, you can do it. But the ones what really want to do it are the ones who are into that kind of thing. Also like karate.”

In all fairness, that interview as many decades ago and it's fine if George changed his mind and decided that force sensitivity is a bit more different.

The concept does nothing, but muddle what was otherwise a mystical, but simplistic understanding of the Force as being a spiritual energy field that binds the galaxy together. Midichlorians undermine the mystery and wonder of the Force by adding an unnecessary and even contradictory scientific element when no one asked for it. It also infers an upward limit on someone's Force power even though the Force is meant to be beyond such things.

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."

Granted, the Original Trilogy did introduce a biological element to the Force by saying that the Force flows strongly through bloodlines and that Force Sensitivity can be passed down through offspring. Which makes sense when the Force penetrates basically everything in life and surrounds and connects life. However, nothing more needed to be elaborated on than that.

Now let's talk about the other issue...namely the Chosen One Prophecy.

“Que guitar riff”

As for the Chosen One thing, it's both under-explained, contradictory and unnecessary. Just have Anakin be a really talented and gifted youngster who got recruited because his potential in the force is amazingly high for reasons that are NEVER stated. Is it destiny? Genetics? Is he a lost descendant from a family of strong jedi lords? Who knows? What matters is Anakin developing that talent, becoming a great jedi knight and being seduced to the Dark Side to become Darth Vader.

I don't personally have a problem with prophecies or Chosen Ones. These are story ideas that are very old and they've been done in various ways both good and bad. Sometimes prophecy is used in a way to where the story centers on a character trying to avoid destiny, but meeting destiny on the road they took to avoid it. Often times, you'll have characters trying to defy fate and while some may succeed, others end up fulfilling their own doom.

Prophecy, Chosen Ones and Destiny are story ideas that have potential to be very good or very bad. Just like in real history, prophecies were often misread, misinterpreted, flat out wrong, or turned out to be correct earlier or later than people anticipated. There are many cultures with some tradition about seers and oracles who can perceive the future and use their visions to give warnings in the present. I bring this up so you know where I'm coming from on the Jedi Prophecy about Balance.

Largely that it's too vague to be worthwhile in the story.

First off, the prophecy is never actually explained in any detail beyond that it exists and Anakin is supposedly meant to bring balance to the force. What does bringing balance to the Force mean in the prophecy's context? What is causing the unbalance in the Force? How will Anakin bring balance to the Force exactly? What will happen once the Force's balance is restored? Why is it a bad thing if the Force is out of balance? What does balance look like? Is balance achieved when the Light and Dark sides of the Force are in total balance? Or does the Light need to be dominant over the Dark to create balance?

According to George Lucas, the presence of the Sith and their actions are creating a cancerous blight within the Force. This blight causes the dark side to get stronger and snuff out the light. Therefore, Anakin fulfilled the prophecy when he destroyed the Sith when he killed Palpatine and then died right afterwards. Thus the Sith were destroyed, the darkness that they created weakens and the light is able to grow in strength thus creating balance and harmony in the Force.

However, it was not until Episode 3 that we learn any hint about what bringing balance meant. We're told that Anakin must destroy the Sith and that's how he'll bring balance. That's in line with what George said, but how is it that Anakin is the only one who can destroy the Sith? Does it matter if someone else like Obi Wan, Yoda or Mace Windu killed Sidious? If killing the Sith is what Anakin is meant to do then why was it a bad thing and a step to the dark side when he killed Count Dooku? Even if Palpatine was manipulating Anakin, he's still doing exactly what the prophecy said he needs to do. So how is that a bad thing?

This is why the movie needs to clarify and explain the Chosen One Prophecy if its going to be important to Anakin's development or significance. It would be nice if the movies spent a few minutes explaining where the prophecy came from and why the Jedi think it's worth preserving. Was there a previous Jedi Grandmaster who was a seer or something? Maybe they were a wise teacher whose prophecies were always right one way or another and the Chosen One Prophecy was the last prediction that they made before they died, retired or disappeared.

Maybe the Jedi Seer was around when the Last Sith Empire was destroyed and all of the other Jedi thought that the Sith were dead. This lone seer insisted that the sith had survived and foresaw that the sith survivors were in the shadows hiding and getting more powerful. Then in the future, the Sith would return for their Revenge and only the Chosen One could defeat them and restore balance to the Force. This could also be how Yoda knows about the Rule of Two because the Seer foresaw that the Rule of Two was how the Sith were surviving and hiding and would've warned a young Yoda about it.

With respect to George, I don't think he thought that far ahead.

It's just all the more bluntly obvious that midichlorians and the Prophecy were only introduced to over-hype Anakin.

Think about it? We first learn that Anakin didn't have a father and Shmi was knocked up by the Force. Then we first hear about midichlorians when Qui-Gon takes Anakin's blood sample and we learn that Anakin's midichlorian count is higher than even Master Yoda. At Coruscant, Qui-Gon gives his findings to the council and this also introduces the first mention of the Prophecy about a Chosen One who will bring balance to the Force and that Anakin is that Chosen One. Before leaving for Naboo, Anakin asks about midichlorians and Qui-Gon explains that they are the middle-men between life and the Force and without them, no one could hear the Force.

I can't lay it out more plainly than I just did.

George claims that he had the concept back in the Original Trilogy, but just couldn't introduce it. However, the sequence of events where midi-chlorians play a role in the story strongly implies that their only role is to explain why Anakin is so powerful and to prop up his role as the Chosen One. So this is a clear case of informed ability where we are told that someone is incredible for such-and-such reason, but never actually demonstrates it.

For instance, Anakin is shown to be a strong Jedi, but it's not clear that he's more powerful than any other Jedi. Does he use any force abilities that are either rare or difficult for even older and wiser jedi to use? Does he demonstrate an insight and wisdom in the Force beyond his years? Did he finish his training faster than any other padawan? Looks like 10 years is the rough average and Anakin's training doesn't seem too different apart from his unorthodox age.

In George's haste to make Anakin special, he's created a hard-locked cap on how powerful any jedi could ever become based on their midichlorian level. No matter how enlightened, serene, wise or experienced that a jedi becomes, their power will never go higher than a pre-set ceiling while someone with only half as much training and given effort could become twice as powerful due to having a bigger midichlorian count.

And I don't care if the EU clarifies that a high midichlorian count does not always equal high force power.

It's Not In The Movie.

We need the movies to show us how Anakin is powerful and not just tell us that he's powerful. Instead of having all of his training take place off screen, have some key moments shown in Episode I and II. First, Qui Gon teaches Anakin some rudimentary universal lessons on accessing the force and Anakin later uses these lessons to help save Naboo. In the next movie, Obi Wan is shown guiding Anakin through a more advanced lesson or he and Anakin spar where we see that Anakin is very skilled and powerful, but immature and impatient. We are shown how strong Anakin has become and we also see how he has much that he still has to learn.

Or perhaps Anakin learns about a strong jedi technique that usually takes a long time to master and Anakin does so in record time. Perhaps Anakin uses the ionize technique or disable droid technique in a powerful way. Perhaps Anakin is shown to be talented with telekinetically lifting and manipulating things with expert accuracy and control. Maybe Anakin has a very strong innate connection to the force's energy flow that is unusual to someone as young as Anakin.

Now I'm not expecting something over the top like Anakin pulling down a Star Destroyer and making it look easy. But I'd say that Anakin's progression as a Jedi and his power in the Force was something that would be stronger conveyed with visual storytelling rather than making up new rules to give him an informed ability that doesn't match what's shown on the story.

Perhaps you could keep the prophecy in the movie and make it a question of whether Anakin is the chosen one or not. Anakin's quick success and rise in prominence would make his fellow jedi believe that he's really the chosen one despite their initial misgivings. Then when he turns to the dark side, it's a true shock to the jedi and perhaps shocking for the audience for may have forgoten that Anakin is going to be Darth Vader.

Maybe the Jedi were wrong about Anakin being the chosen one and the chosen one is actually Anakin's son Luke. Something which Obi Wan wouldn't realize until much later and this makes Luke all the more the new hope for the Jedi. Maybe Anakin is the chosen one, but bringing balance to the force means destroying the jedi and the sith so that his son luke can rebuild a new order of guardians from the ashes.

Maybe the Chosen One thing could be something that's left ambiguous and left to the audience to the decide for themselves. Meh, who knows?

George went too far in a few places

Anakin starts out too Young and dipped into the dark side too drastically and too soon in his character arc. I'd translate this issue as being how Anakin's story has great payoff with a mostly good set up, but the build up and few set up details are wonky.

For Anakin, we got a lot about his flaws, his darkness and the seeds that would lead to the dark side. But ultimately, the prequels lacked a demonstration of his more positive aspects apart from being a good pilot and warrior. Old Ben described Anakin as a good and noble jedi champion who was a great friend and whose turn to the dark side was a tragedy and a shocking surprise. Yet, the prequels display Anakin as a bad seed from Episode 2 onwards and they fail to make him likable, especially in 2 where he spends most of his screentime whining, complaining, expressing support for a fascist dictatorship as long as "it worked", obsessing over a girl he hasn't seen in ten years and mass murdering an entire tribe of raiders including women and children and going on a maniacal rant about it like a serial killer. Yeah, I understand that he was mad and grieving about his mother dying in his arms, but that doesn't excuse slaughtering innocents nor is it helped by how utterly unsympathetic and borderline sociopathic he seemed in previous scenes.

By Episode 3 where we finally do see some humanity and likability in Anakin, it's too little too late and fleeting compared to how he spends half of the movie as Darth Vader betraying his fellow jedi and slaughtering children (again) because of a vague promise that Palpatine would give him the power to save Padme. Furthermore, the "tragic hero" of the story chokes out his pregnant mother and yet we're supposed to leave that movie with the idea that there's still a sliver of good in this man. Or at least enough good in him to where he'll eventually sacrifice himself to save his son by killing the Emperor and then dying as himself.

I assert this missed opportunity as a demonstration of how "Darker isn't always better".

Nothing against Jake Lloyd, but Anakin should've started off as a young teen to make characterization and development between the three movies more consistent. It would also allow for the actor playing Anakin to play the role in all three movies instead of just 2 and give more time for them to get acclimated and comfortable with the role. That's one big reason why Ewan McGregor got better and better as Obi-Wan, because he got used to the role over the course of 3 movies whereas Hayden only had two. Hayden did a decent job with what he had, but being able to play the role in a third movie would've improved things immensely.

If you think it would be ridiculous to have Hayden Christenson or whoever play a teenager when they're an adult, I'd point out that adults have been playing teens since the Slasher films. Keep in mind Natatlie Portman has portrayed teenagers as well such as she does in Episode I and has the youthful appearance and short stature to pull it off. Combine that with some make up, de-aging CGI, clothing that a teen would wear and some uncertain posturing and mannerisms and I can see a young male actor being passed off as a teenager.

I'd also make Anakin a little less perfect and spotless as he was in Episode 1. I'd still have Anakin be an overall good talent person who wants to help people and do the right thing. But also give him an edge as he's forced to bottle up fear, anger and hatred at his life as a slave and how he and his mother could be sold or killed at the push of a button. Maybe this could come out in a scene or two where he subconsciously uses the force to hurt or nearly kill someone like Sebulba or Watto. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan would see this and that would motivate them to take Anakin in. Deciding that Anakin would fall to the Dark Side and become a Dark Jedi if he stayed on Tatooine and instead should be raised by the Jedi to use his powers for good.

In fact, let's have a scene that underlines how harsh slavery is for Anakin while growing up. It always annoys me when slavery is put into a story and its shown to be a minor nuisance at best. In the Phantom Menace, Anakin's life as a slave is treated as a part time job. He gets to wander around town without supervision; make friends and play with other friends; he and his mom have their own home and its no better or worse than anyone else's home; and Anakin even has enough room in the garage to build and work on his own podracer.

I'm not saying get rid of that stuff since historically some slaves did have some small luxuries depending on their masters and their positions. But the audience is only told of how bad slavery is and are only told about the bomb that will kill escapees. Instead, throw in a scene where Anakin gets really angry and is about to throw a punch, but Watto holds up a remote threatening to blow him or his mother. Maybe a slave at an auction is sold to a lecherous asshole and she runs away as the new owner blows her up. Anakin sees this and would seethe with anger about how powerless he is and how much he wants to be free and to make his slave master pay for how they treat him and his mom.

Instead of having Anakin be rejected initially for being “too old”, he's rejected by the Jedi Council because of the fear, anger and hate simmering inside of him. The Jedi are wary that Anakin's a ticking time bomb that'll explode if trained with power that he can't handle. Qui-Gon would vouch for Anakin with full faith in the boy while Obi-Wan would be neutral, wanting to help Anakin and seeing the good in him while also acknowledging the council's concern and fear of the dark edge hiding inside of the kind hearted Anakin.

This is the dark edge that Palpatine would sense and quietly nurture in Anakin as he grows in the ways of the Jedi and the Force. Anakin in the films should've been close to what he was in the Clone Wars tv show, a genuinely heroic, noble, brave, loyal and good man with a dark shadow that kept growing as the war continued. As Anakin starts to doubt if the Jedi or the Republic are helping anyone, Palpatine could be there to groom him towards the idea that a Master of the Dark Side could bring order and peace to the galaxy. That the Dark Side could give Anakin true freedom from the forces controlling his life and hindering him from making a difference.

Which, to be fair, is what we kind of got in the films. The films do hint that Palpatine had been grooming Anakin for dark side conversion throughout the years and Episode 3 was the finishing touch. But the idea is screwed when Palpatine gives Anakin a super vague legend about a Sith Lord who could use the Dark Side to save people from death. And this is enough for Anakin to throw every everything he's ever stood for and fully commit to the Dark Side. By now, Anakin should've seen some proof that the Dark Side could actually do that. Maybe Palpatine could heal a grievously injured clonetrooper in the medbay to convince Anakin of the dark side's power, but right after Anakin leaves, the trooper dies because he wasn't actually healed.

Instead, Anakin betrayed the jedi based on a vague story about a sith who could save people from death? And despite no proof that Palpatine wasn't just lying and playing on Anakin's fears, Anakin bows to monster mash and pledges himself to the graveyard smash. Then goes on to murder children based on an unspecific notion that the dark side will help him save Padme.

Anakin's especially dumb when you realize that he knows Palpatine is the Sith Lord whose been lying and manipulating everyone for the past 13 years. The one behind the Naboo Crisis; The Clone Wars; Qui-Gon's death; the attempts on Padme's life; the loss of Anakin's arm; and is responsible for the deaths of countless billions if not trillions of people because of that. And Anakin follows him anyway? Also, why doesn't Anakin just arrange for a really good doctor to look after Padme and make sure she doesn't die in childbirth? Are you telling me that death by childbirth is still a thing in this magnificent technological wonderland?

Now lets take a few steps back here.

I will acknowledge that having Anakin murder the jedi younglings was bleak and dark, but a bold creative choice. As much as I would've preferred to see Anakin mowing down Jedi knights and masters in some badass dramatic fight scene, showing him preparing to murder younglings was the kind of scene that can make or break a character like Anakin.

George Lucas isn't sugarcoating how evil Anakin is or how far he's fallen. He doesn't want the audience to have anything that will take away from the shock of this scene. If Anakin killed older jedi adults, this would be mitigated by how “badass” and “awesome” Darth Vader is acting. But George doesn't want an evil sith lord to look cool, at least not in this moment. He wants you to see the raw deal of how cruel the dark side will make you.

The problem is that we already got this once before in Attack of the Clones with the Tusken Raider massacre. There isn't a smooth transition from innocent kind hearted youth into the cold, ruthless and evil murder machine that is Darth Vader. He's innocent and pure in Episode I and then abruptly becomes troubled and murderous in II and III. If you want Anakin's deeds in Episode III to be shocking and horrific, then he can't do something like this in Episode II while he's still meant to be a good guy.

While I'd keep the Tusken Raider murder scene and the death of Anakin's mother, I'd rework them slightly. I'd make it so that Anakin's mom isn't tortured to death and was being kept as a hostage for ransom. Anakin saves her, kills a few tusken guards and successfully rides away with her. He takes his mom back to the Lars homestead where Anakin has a wholesome moment with Padme and Shmi. Everything seems happy, Anakin is bonding with his step brother and step father while Shmi gives her blessing for Padme to pursue Anakin and help him be happy.

Then tragedy strikes as a Tusken Raider war party attacks the homestead.

Cligg Lars dies from a thermal detonator, Shmi gets wounded by gunmen and dies in a shocked Anakin's arms. The world goes cold around him and he sees the tuskens holding Owen, Beru and Padme prisoner. They single out Padme and tie her up to be beaten to death as she's an outsider from Tatooine. Anakin's blood boils, the anger, grief and pain overflows and he uses the force and his lightsaber to slaughter the Tusken warriors.

The tuskens try to run away, but Anakin in a great show of force power holds their speeders in place and rips the raiders from their bikes. Anakin then hunts them all down, hunting and slaughtering every single tusken raider like animals. As he's hacking into a dead tusken, Padme hugs him from behind and tells him to stop since it won't change anything.

Seeing his stepbrother act so viciously, Owen Lars cuts ties with Anakin and irrationally blames him for both his father's death and for Shmi's death. Anakin believes him, thinking that he wasn't strong enough to control the situation or keep his loved ones from dying. He wasn't strong enough until he gave into the dark side.

Padme neither condemns nor condones Anakin's actions due to the situation and her own feelings. Obi Wan would be sympathetic, but would throw the jedi code at Anakin while also neglecting to report the situation to the council. Palpatine of course would offer assurance and tell him that he did nothing wrong. Here Anakin would confess to what it felt to use the dark side and that a part of him enjoyed what he did. Palpatine then tells Anakin that he may need to call upon that anger again one day and not to reject it, one day he may need his hate to make him strong regardless of what the jedi say.

This would plant into Anakin the idea that being good and staying on the light side won't save his loved ones. But being dark sided could give him that power, something that Palpatine waters over the course of the clone wars until Episode III. It would be small transforming moment where good guy Anakin starts to slip towards the dark side which would snowball into his actions in Episode III.

Instead, Anakin slaughters every tusken in the camp and goes on a maniacal rant about it looking like a crazy person. I'd forgive you if you thought that Anakin had already turned to the dark side here. Becoming a sith lord, taking the name Darth Vader and killing the jedi was just a formality. Of course, I know Anakin only killed the tuskens because they kidnapped and tortured his mother to death, but that doesn't change how its too soon in Anakin's story to do something this dark and bleak.

By tempering down the tusken raider event, it still has the same broad strokes and effect as in canon. However, there would still be room to show that this was Anakin being driven to a wall and was not an action that good guy Anakin would normally do. Combine this with earlier scenes of Anakin being a kind hearted, selfless young man trying to do good and strive for the right thing and this would help make Anakin's eventual fall to the dark side sad and shocking.

For a character like Anakin, his fall to the dark side should come as a shock and surprise to the audience. They should look at Anakin in Episode I and II and be unable to comprehend how this good hearted kid could ever fall to the dark side. They should want him to overcome whatever inner darkness is simmering in him and be given hope that Anakin will prevail. They should wail with frustration and sorrow when Anakin succumbs to his inner darkness and becomes Darth Vader.

In short, Anakin needed to be more of a hero to make the tragedy part stronger.

The Romance

The romance arc between Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala was entertainingly bad at worst and dull at best.

At this point in my life, I can say it's far from the worst love story I've ever seen. Everyone's gone into its problems and I won't add too much here. I do appreciate the love story for following through on its tragic set up and build up. There was no way that love would prevail here with Anakin being fated to become Darth Vader.

I guess for me, I was never really sold on them being in love apart from the story telling us that they're in love. Anakin and Padme meet when he's a kid and she's a teen. He's neither old enough to be interested in girls nor is he old enough to be considered a viable romantic partner by Padme. They were just really good friends who bonded over a crisis and then he helped free her planet.

Then they never see or talk to each other for ten years. They're brought back together where Anakin starts talking about how he's obsessed and thought about her everyday. It then turns out that Padme has felt the same and they decided to be in love. Let me get this straight, they spend a few days together, kiss twice and decide to get married.

Now some defenders chalk up Anakin's awkward actions, stares and corny lines to being inexperienced with love. Which I can definitely identify with and many of us can do the same when we feel strongly for someone, but don't know how to express it. Perhaps if the dialogue wasn't made to be efficient filler in between the action scenes, I could get behind this defense.

Still, there's a difference between being inexperienced and being in love with someone you haven't seen for ten years...when you were a child. That's obsession. Anakin was in love with a shadow and a thought. Did Anakin really know Padme Amidala? Can you be in love with someone who you don't truly know? Was Anakin in love with Padme or just the idea of being in love with someone? A smarter story would explore this distinction, but not this one.

Still a bigger problem was that Lucas introduced the whole concept of "Celibate Jedi" for the sake of giving the romance a "forbidden edge". Except that this was never brought up in Episode 1 or the Previous trilogy and neither Old Ben nor Yoda had any qualms about training the child of a jedi. It could be because of desperation, but it can be heavily inferred that the celibate jedi concept didn't exist until Episode 2 and this along with other problems with the Jedi Order that I discussed in a previous essay don't do the romance any favors.

In fact, introducing this element and the age restriction thing makes the Jedi look like some kind of closed off cult. Once you're in the Order, you can't have any relationships outside of the order which means you're cut off from your family and culture. Your identity is now molded into whatever your instructors tell you to become without any choice on your part. Your life is laid out before you by a strict code and it was a life that the typical jedi youngling must take on without any choice.

I know that some will say that a Jedi can leave anytime like Count Dooku did. However, Dooku was the exception rather than the norm due to his unique personality and perspective. It also helps that he was the heir to a noble house ruling a whole planet, so he has a life to go to when he leaves. The average jedi would have nothing if they left, no friends, no family, no money or shelter, and it's not guaranteed that the jedi will give them vital skills with which they can gain meaningful employment.

Not to mention with all of the indoctrination that the jedi kids had to go through, few of them would ever think of leaving. They've been brainwashed into uncritically accepting the jedi way of life to where the option to leave the order would be unthinkable. Even Ahsoka only left the order because of extreme and unique circumstances and before then, she was happy and eager to be a jedi.

Anakin's only able to resist indoctrination because he already had an identity before he joined the Order. An identity and personality that he maintains despite all efforts to prune them out of him. But Anakin's desire for meaningful and loving relationships is viewed as a bad thing by the jedi and so he has to hide his love for Padme. If anything, this set up makes it seem like the Jedi pushed Anakin to the dark side through trying to isolate him from his own humanity like they did the other jedi. It's not what George intended, but good luck inferring this from the movie.

Furthermore, why would Padme be resistant to a relationship? There's never been any law that restricted senators from marrying or having relationships, hell the ancient roman senators were the biggest hedonists in town. Greek city state senators, warlords, kings and so on of many levels of power all had sex slaves, lovers and concubines for their pleasure and to make as many kids as possible.

If we're going with the whole "celebate jedi angle" (which is inherently flawed in the context of star wars and I'm glad that Lucas EU Luke eventually threw out that rule), then what's wrong with having Padme be the "temptress" and the metaphorical Eve for Anakin? Anakin has feelings, but he doesn't want to act on them out of duty while Padme encourages him that he can still have a heart and still be a good jedi. Padme sees that Anakin is unhappy and lonely and so she wants to help him by loving him and showing him that he's not alone or unloved.

While well-intentioned and wholesome on her part, this does unintentionally open a floodgate in Anakin which eventually causes him to lose control of his emotions and do something cruel like kill a helpless enemy like Asajj Ventress and it makes him doubt himself. Padme is there to help him and tells him that he's not a bad person and that he's just human. But Anakin gets the wrong message and decides that using the dark side isn't bad and only after it's too late does Padme sadly realize that she unknowingly pushed Anakin towards the dark side.

We should've seen something more organic like in the original trilogy. Or, have a slightly older Anakin and Padme hit it off really well with strong romantic chemistry between them in Episode I. But due to important matters like the Naboo crisis and Anakin joining the jedi, they can't do anything at the moment. But they'd definitely have each other's affection and respect by the movie's end which would grow into a full on romance in Episode II and turn to tragedy in Episode III.

In fact, I'd have Padme gamble her freedom in the podrace so that Shmi Skywalker is saved. Qui Gon would tell her that he could only free Anakin and Padme decides to fix that. Padme sees how much Anakin loves his mother and how it would destroy him to leave her in bondage while he is freed. So Padme goes to Watto and gambles her own freedom against Shmi's freedom if Anakin wins the podrace.

This would be a moment that shows Padme's compassion for others and when Anakin eventually finds out, he'd be deeply grateful to Padme since risking her freedom liberated his mother. Maybe Padme would even offer Shmi a job as a handmaiden for the queen or when Shmi chooses to stay of her own free will, Padme gives her some valuables that she could sell to get enough money to get her own moisture farm and start a new life.

It's a small change and doesn't change the overall plot really. But it would be something that jumpstarts Anakin's affection and love for Padme. He'd see that Padme respects him as a human being rather than just as a slave or as a tool. He would be loyal to Padme and would want to return the favor which would motivate him to go to the Battle of Naboo and do what he could to help free Padme's people just like she and Qui gon freed him and his mother.

Another misstep was cutting the Rebel Alliance subplot for Padme Amidala.

In short, this was a series of scenes for Revenge of the Sith where Padme is discussing the current political state of the Republic with Mon Mothma, Bail Organa and other senators. They and other critics of Palpatine are concerned about him holding executive powers indefinitely and start considering contingencies. These contingencies would eventually lead to the Rebel Alliance's creation in the Original Trilogy.

But George Lucas cut out this subplot because he thought it would detract from Anakin's storyline. Which is directly contradicted with how Palpatine is using Padme's objection to Palpatine's executive powers to make a rift between Padme and Anakin. Which in turn would start to make Anakin consider the idea that Padme will betray him to Obi-Wan. This would also tragically culminate in Anakin choking Padme believing that she brought Kenobi to him on Mustafar to kill him.

Another reason cutting subplot was a mistake is that Padme basically has nothing to do in Revenge of the Sith. Yeah, she can't exactly run around and be a badass gun fighter while pregnant with twins. But it's not exactly great to see Padme sitting on the sidelines crying about Anakin compared to her actions in the first two movies.

Having Padme play a role in the pre planning of the Rebel Alliance heightens Padme's importance to the Star Wars saga. It's the organization that will fight and destroy the Empire where the Jedi failed. It's the Rebellion which her children Leia and Luke would lead to ultimate victory over the Empire. In the novel, Padme gave Organa, Mon Mothma and the other allies key advice about hiding out and not openly defying Palpatine's new empire until the time was right.

In a tragic sense, Padme Amidala has to watch the Republic that she helped create turn into an Empire. But she would be morally vindicated by the Alliance she helped make and by her twins as they destroy the Empire. Then Luke would go on to rebuild the Jedi Order which her husband had been apart of. Her daughter would help rebuild a New Republic to continue the good that the Old Republic had made.

Also, this could be a rift for Padme and Anakin that tests their relationship. Both Anakin and Padme are loyal to the Republic in their own way. Both have their criticisms of the Republic and different ideas on how to make things right. Padme wants to correct the system from within by pruning out bad or corrupt aspects and upholding good and lawful ones. Anakin wants to make things right by throwing out the system and replacing it with one based on control and power.

Then as the story progresses, both realize for different reasons that the current state of the Republic is too inflexible for change. So they would clash about how where they think the Republic should go. Anakin would be more in favor of a stronger executive branch akin to dictatorship like Palpatine is doing. Meanwhile, Padme would start to sympathize with the non-evil and non-corporate elements of the Separatists and believe that the Republic needs to kick out Palpatine or abolish the Republic and any galactic government entirely since it's doing more harm than good.

We kind of get this in the films, but not really. In Episode II, Anakin and Padme do discuss the senate and Anakin reveals that he supports a fascist dictatorship. However, that scene is written off in a way that it looks like Anakin's joking around with Padme. In Episode III, Padme probes Anakin and wonders if the Republic has indeed fallen. Anakin accuses her of being a senator, but Padme stands her ground and insists that the Clone Wars was a result of the Republic's failure to communicate and listen.

In fact, I think Anakin and Padme's relationship would improve if Anakin played devil's advocate about her opposition to a Republic military. He'd point out how Naboo was invaded because it didn't have an army and was only saved by allying with the Gungan army. So it's only prudent to have an army and not need it than to need one and not have it.

Padme would counter with how creating a military would signal escalation and would make peace with the Separatists more difficult. Also, a military would be able to wield undue power and influence over the system to where they could intimidate the senate into doing what they wanted. The military could also be used to make the chancellor a dictator and what the military would do after any war would be a great concern.

Anakin may point out that the Jedi had an army against the Sith and disbanded it when the wars were over. So Anakin would say that the new military would do the same and remain inactive unless nedded. Padme would acknowledge this and point out that few people in the galaxy are as noble and selfless as the jedi. Being in command of an army is a lot of power and few people will readily give up power, even for the good of others.

I guess I'm bringing this in because it would be an opportunity for Anakin and Padme to get to know each other through discussing something that they both care about. They would initially bond over their mutual love of the Republic and splinter over what they believe and how they'd react to the Republic's fall and transformation into an Empire.

Then when talk about a new Empire appears, Anakin would embrace it since an empire would get things done. Padme would strongly disagree and start fermenting ideas and talks that would lead to the Rebellion in the Old Trilogy. Anakin may discover this and would be conflicted between his love for Padme and his loyalty to Palpatine. Tragically, he'd pick Palpatine since he believes that serving the dark side would be for everyone's greater good. But all that would do is drive Padme away from him and the rest would be history.

And yes, we did kind of get this in the Third Movie considering their tragic end, but not as well as it could have been. Keeping the Rebel Alliance subplot would've been a step in the right direction for Padme's character and for her relationship with Anakin. Once more, we get the tragedy element in droves, but we don't quite get the romantic aspect of this tragic romance.

After all, tragic romances always have happy endings.

Temptation and Tragedy

I will acknowledge that I like the element of temptation present with Anakin' story.

I do enjoy how Anakin's ambition, desire to be a powerful hero and need to protect his loved ones are twisted and inverted against him. A few execution issues aside, Anakin's tragedy was a great element of the Prequel story and was one of the reasons why Revenge of the Sith was so great. It's almost Shakespearean in a sense when you think about it.

In the Original Trilogy, Luke Skywalker wasn't really tempted to the dark side at all. Note that I'm not pointing this out as a flaw or criticism of the Original Trilogy. I'm just bringing this up as a point of comparison between the stories of Luke and Anakin. While Anakin was actually seduced, tempted and tricked into turning to the dark side, this element of temptation was absent in Luke's story.

If anything, Vader and Palpatine were just trying to threaten and bully Luke to the dark side. They threatened his life and his friends if he didn't convert; they tried to tell him about how powerful the dark side would make Luke if he submitted; and they each offered Luke a chance to rule the Empire and the Galaxy at their side.

But Luke wasn't afraid to die, so threatening him with submission or death was always going to fail. Even at his lowest point in Bespin, Luke would've rather died than join Darth Vader. Luke partook in the Death Star run when it was basically a suicide mission. He fought on the front lines of the Galactic Civil War as leader of Rogue Squadron. He even calmly went to the confrontation with the Emperor accepting the idea that he'd die when the Rebels destroyed the second Death Star.

While Luke did care about his friends, Luke learned from his impulsiveness on Bespin. He learned to have faith in the abilities and capabilities of Han, Leia and the others. So he just had to hold faith in his friends to overcome the threat laid upon them by Vader. A faith which proved valid and vindicated when Han and Leia destroyed the Endor shield generator and Lando and Wedge destroyed the Second Death Star. It also helps that Luke's bonds with his friends and sister was what was anchoring him to the light side despite all of his hardships, more on this later.

Luke also never wanted to dominate or rule anything or anyone. He was a humble soul who never sought power for power's sake. He yearned more for adventure and self-discovery than for the power of the Force. And when he did get power, he only used it to help others and was very reserved with calling upon the Force unless necessary and only in a way that didn't hurt people.

For instance, Luke could've easily wiped out the ewoks when they captured him and the others.  Considering that the ewoks were trying to cook and eat them, Luke would've completely justified in using self defense for himself and his friends. But instead he used the force to make C3PO look like a deity and that made the ewoks let the others go and that put out the conflict to where rebels and ewoks eventually became allies.

So when Vader and the Emperor tempt Luke with the power of the dark side and control of the whole galaxy, it's really not hard for Luke to just say no.

Temptation only works if the individual is taunted with something that they actually want. Being tempted with lots of money in exchange for selling out a friend doesn't work if you don't need money or aren't hurting for money. Being tempted to commit a crime isn't hard to resist if there isn't any urgency that may make you consider putting aside your morals and values.

On the other hand, there's lots of stories of people who were on bad times and needed money. So they joined gangs and became criminals because they felt like they had no other way. There's also stories of people in similar situations who were really tempted to do something illegal or shameful if it alleviated their financial woes. But ultimately, they stood their ground and worked through a difficult path to find a better way.

So for Anakin, I can completely understand why he would be tempted to join the Dark Side of the Force. We're talking about a former slave whose spent most of his life under someone else's control and authority. Anakin just wants to live his life by his term and use his abilities to do good for others. But there's always something in the way like Watto, the Jedi Code, the Republic's weakness or from his point of view, his own weakness.

Add to that the stress of the Clone Wars; his unresolved grief over the death of his mother; worrying about Padme and their relationship; his growing frustration with the Jedi, the Republic and his own life; and Palpatine grooming him and being his false friend and mentor, yeah Anakin has an uphill battle to deal with. I can definitely see how Anakin would be vulnerable to temptation and how its logical for hi to fall to that temptation.

Anakin wants control of his own life and he wants the power to keep that control. Anakin wants to make his loved ones safe and he wants to make the galaxy a better place, so he'd want power to do that. Anakin doesn't just want to be a good jedi, he wants to be the most heroic and most powerful jedi to have ever been born and getting power can help him do that. Anakin wants the power to keep people from dying and the dark side is supposedly a pathway to do just that.

Ironically, Anakin's ambition and desire for control and power actually gave him tunnel vision. Anakin could have chosen to leave the Jedi Order entirely and so live his relationship with Padme publicly and without shame. He could still help the Republic as a key technician or even a general in the military. Anakin could have found a jedi healer and told them to watch over Padme so that she doesn't die from childbirth complications. Perhaps he could have gone to Obi-Wan for help and accepted any consequences that came with uncovering his secrets.

The problem is that doing these or other options would require Anakin to give something up or relinquish control to another. While this could be seen as putting a healthy amount of trust in others, Anakin would see it as weakness. Anakin wants everything, he wants to be with Padme, control his own life, make the galaxy better, and be the best the Jedi ever. Leaving the order means giving up his dream and Anakin is too ambitious to give up the things that he wants.

So he wants to hold everything and in the end Anakin is left with nothing.

He ends up betraying and destroying the Jedi Order; he helps create an Empire that will make galaxy a horrible place to live and kill trillions of innocent people; he loses all of his friends; and his wife dies because of his anger and her grief at what Anakin became for her sake. Anakin even loses his body and his soul, having the spend the rest of his life cast in a dark side armor under constant pain and self hatred. Living on as a cyborg revenant at the constant mercy and command of his tempter and corrupter, able to be disposed of at any moment by the Emperor with Vader unable to do anything but abide by his master's will.

All of which would be better if George had committed to an additional tragedy

Did Anakin fail the Jedi or did the Jedi fail Anakin?

As I mentioned in part 1, it's strange that George can't make up his mind on the Jedi's role in this whole tragedy. Without EU material, it's hard to tell on whether George intended for the Jedi to be flawless paragons brought low by betrayal or if the Jedi were meant to be well intended but flawed actors whose failures helped the Republic and for Anakin to fall. Even if you try to say that both are true, you'd be right, but the movies don't solidly support this either because they can't make up their mind.

What makes this especially strange is that the Revenge of the Sith novel very directly states that the Jedi failed the Republic and Anakin. The author Matthew Stover stated that Lucas had personally looked over and edited the novel before its release and included stuff from his screenplay. This included dialogue, exposition, word selection and so on as though George not only wanted the novel to most definitely line up with the movie, but also with his conception of Episode III.

To quote Matthew Stover himself, “What's in that book is there because Mr. Lucas wanted it to be there. What's not in that book is not there because Mr. Lucas wanted it gone. Period.”

In the novel, Yoda reflects on the Jedi Order during his fight with Palpatine and while meditating on Polis Massa. He acknowledges that the Jedi were beaten by the sith before the Clones ever started because the jedi were prepared for the wrong war. The Jedi had become complacent, stagnant and inflexible and expected the Sith to be the same as they were a thousand years ago. Meanwhile, the Sith had constantly changed and adapted to the realities of the galaxy and so they were able to manipulate the game board to where they controlled even the Jedi.

The Jedi could have stopped the Clone Wars from happening if they had done more to stand up or speak out against the Republic's corruption and weakness. Instead the Jedi did nothing and gave complicit acceptance to the Republic's fall through their silence and inaction. They could have tried to negotiate peaceful co-existence between the Republic and the Confederacy. Instead, they completely sided with the Republic without trying to understand or empathize with why thousands of systems wanted to leave the Republic.

Hell, the Jedi could have stayed out of the Clone Wars entirely and continued to advocate for peace rather than galactic war. They could have instead put all of their energy towards finding the Sith Lords with the idea that capturing and killing the sith would end the war since they're controlling both sides. This would've been deep unpopular with the people and senate, but would be validated when Sidious is eventually exposed and Palpatine either arrested, killed or forced to go into hiding.

In that same vein, the Jedi could have been more welcoming and understanding of Anakin. The reason why Anakin fell to the dark side was because the Jedi was too stagnant and set in their ways to be able to handle an unorthodox jedi like Anakin. If the Jedi had been able to see things from his perspective and perhaps explore the roots of his volatile emotions, then Anakin would've been far less vulnerable to the dark side.

Instead, the Jedi shunned and rebuked Anakin for just being himself. Obi-Wan was the only jedi who truly tried to empathize with Anakin, but could only go so far because Kenobi himself was a leader of the Jedi Order and had to stay somewhat neutral between the council and Anakin. Anakin was friendless with the exception of Kenobi and so he sought for companionship with Padme and Palpatine. Palpatine saw a chance to make Anakin reliant on him for emotional support and used their bond to turn Anakin against the Jedi and to groom him to eventually join the Sith.

So it's really odd to me that George would acknowledge the Jedi's failure with the official novelization that he helped edit and was based on his screenplay. But then almost none of this is ever shown or reflected on in the movies. Thus, any aesop that's supposed to validate or condemn the Jedi is incomplete because not enough is there to support it.

The Jedi were right about Anakin's anger turning him to the dark side, but they did nothing to address the source of that anger. The Original Trilogy clearly shows that love will save you from the dark side. But the Prequel Trilogy seems to imply and show that love will lead you to the dark side. Audience's can point out plenty of faults in the Jedi way and their actions, but the movies are largely silent about these things. There isn't even enough to argue that the issue is being left up for interpretation by the audience because there's too many conflicting and contradictory pieces to try to fit together.

I think that Anakin's story and the story of the Prequels would've been stronger if George had brought in more stuff from his interviews and novels into the actual movies. At the very least, the audience could understand the Jedi's point of view and have a clearer picture of who all is responsible for the events that unfold. It would also be brave to show that even good guy factions aren't perfect and would introduce nuance and grayness without undermining the objective good vs evil dichotomy that Star Wars is based on.

In Conclusion

So to reiterate, there's a lot of characterization stuff with Anakin that doesn't work. But the temptation and tragedy elements are the strongest elements of Anakin's character development. I like the idea of Anakin starting with humble origins and a lot of potential that's forced down by his unfortunate life realities. If the other elements were reworked and changed, then the strong stuff would be stronger.

However, I think the problems with Anakin's story comes from George telling us about Anakin rather than showing us. Rather then showing Anakin train his ass off to become the most powerful jedi ever, George invents Midichlorians and prophecies to tell us that Anakin is already awesome and powerful. Instead of showing Anakin and Padme fall in love in a wholesome, heartwarming and organic way, they're forced together and we have to be told that they're in love.

It all culminates into Anakin being so central to the prequel trilogy and the Star Wars universe that he becomes an anchor that pulls everything else down with him. George could have made Anakin the main character of the Prequel trilogy and important to the story of course. But Anakin needed to be an important, but smaller part of a larger story rather than being the most important piece over all others.

I'll give credit to George for being willing to make a tragic character the main character of the Prequel Trilogy. It would've been easy for George to play things safe and have Anakin be mind controlled into becoming evil. Instead, he allowed Anakin to fall by his own choices and wanted to show the audience how that fall occurred. A reminder that the potential of good and evil exists in us all and while Luke choose good, his father Anakin chose evil.

I could go on and on about how the Prequels could have been different than what we had. However, we have to ask at the end of the day if what we got was worthwhile or not?

I'd say that it was flawed, but overall good.

Above all else, George Lucas tried.

Even when he missed the mark, George Lucas was clearly trying to tell a deep story the way he wanted to tell it. A story that he didn't originally want to direct because he knew his limitations, but went through it anyway because he was the only one who could. A story that resonates well with both those who love the Prequels and even those who criticize and dislike them.

Sure the plot and characters weren't perfect at all. But there was enough present to where you can pick out and appreciate the message the George was trying to convey. Even the themes of the prequels are really applicable to both real life and current events without being too obvious or forced. That's because George understood that themes within storytelling need to be both relatable and applicable to the universal human experience.

It's the kind of sincerity that I miss about George even at his worst. “Insert Holiday Special Flashbacks”

The fact that so many people enjoy and defend the Prequels shows that a lot of people were inspired and entertained enough to want to stand against the hatedom. In the current day, I doubt that my mixed review will change anyone's minds or won't confirm what they already knew or believed. The Prequel Trilogy will remain a tale that someone will love and that some will hate. As a work of art, this is to be expected as some works of art are inherently divisive and no one will truly agree on it because they see the same thing and different thoughts are brought to their minds.

It may seem very odd to some of you that I've spent so much time typing and writing about the flaws of the Prequels when I admit that I like them. Or that I liked the Prequels even before Disney started sinking the ship. Though I will acknowledge that Disney's missups did give me a higher appreciation for how good I and other fans had it under Lucas in spite of missteps like Midichlorians or the taxation of the trade routes.

My ultimate takeaway about the Phantom Menace, the Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith is that they're good movies with deep ideas that weren't well translated or conveyed. The people who love these movies love them because they love Star Wars and enjoyed what they saw. The people who criticized, hated or were mixed about the Prequels also love Star Wars and thought that it deserved or could been better. So in the end, everyone wins because we all love Star Wars and can cross the aisle and share that love despite our disagreements and bickering.

And as long we can still do that then we can all be friends right? It's not like anyone would ever intentionally make a divisive Star Wars movie and deliberately paint the fanbase against itself while gaslighting critics with hypocritical politics that you don't actually believe in and are only pushing out to try and sell your brand to the naive masses-

Oh wait, I'm the darkest timeline!

“Inhales...”

Soon...

Very Soon...

THE END

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

why does jean warn up to mc so quickly? ikevamp makes it clear that jean is a pretty reserved person and doesn't open up or let people in easily but he seems to let mc in quite quickly and it confuses me quite a bit.

Oh boy, where to begin with this one.

Well, I have a lot of Feelings^TM about this, but I'll try to be concise. Essentially, I think Jeanne doesn't recover in the other routes--or the general storyline--largely because he's just a lot to unpack narratively speaking. And without some pretty direct intervention, he has a hard time healing. MC’s direct intervention was meaningful because it was focused, consistent, and adapted to Jeanne’s specific needs. She also doesn’t make light of his experiences which is key; she fully understands that she can’t fathom what he’s been through. There is a very weighty respect and acknowledgement, a seriousness with which she treats his wounds that’s important.

It’s easy to make this a “why is MC nOt LiKe ThE oThEr GiRlS” but honestly that’s just not the sense I get when I look at all the information available to us. 

That being said, I also just feel like every person's recovery from traumatic events doesn't really look the same? I mean Leonardo’s cptsd isn’t going to operate the same way Jeanne’s wartime/Inquisition cptsd is going to operate. Some people require very individualized healing, others will often require a large scale group effort to lift them up.

Typically people don't ever just get over what happened to them and never worry about it again, either. It's usually a process of coping; the hope is that with time you find healthy ways to deal with grief and move forward. Therapists aren't magicians, they just help people process painful experiences/thoughts. It's honestly up to individuals to find meaningful ways to implement these tactics. 

Tl; dr: My contention is that Jeanne doesn’t open up or choose to stay alive because MC magically heals him, rather his recovery is a convergence of many people’s efforts and hopes that he stays alive. Gilles (he insists that Jeanne must live, asks him to promise), MC (affirms and bolsters that promise), Comte (makes a second life and recovery possible)--and in no small measure Mozart and Napoleon--all make an active effort to buoy him. As people often say, it takes a village to raise a child.

While Jeanne seems to respond most powerfully to MC’s attempts, it feels more like a product of chemistry/compatibility than it does a random cop out. There is no insinuation that only romantic love can heal; after all, MC gets close to him without any romantic intentions at first. They’re just good friends? It’s more that their feelings simply moved in a different direction after a point, which doesn’t necessarily happen all the time. Jeanne is also incredibly moved by Mozart’s love for him as a friend, Comte’s love for him as a father, and even Gilles’ love as a comrade to an extent. If anything, without their input Jeanne’s capacity for romantic love would be questionable at best.

Now, because I can never for the life of me stop analyzing, I have a more large scale outline of my thoughts below. Spoilers for Jeanne’s route:

If we look at Jeanne's life history, he has pretty specific trauma. Most of the harm he endured was a direct result of human rights violations after the war itself. He didn't enjoy fighting and killing people, but he's also very much a man that sees the reality of his position: it's either kill or be killed. His entire goal was to defeat the enemy as efficiently as possible in the hopes of ending conflict, and with his enormous resolve turns the tide. He had no innate interest in inflicting harm, or lack of control when engaging. He isn't pathological about it, and doesn’t dehumanize the other side. He was more "this was an act of necessity, but those are still human beings." So as far as I can tell he has a very strong moral compass and sense of duty, he doesn't show much delusion/confusion in that regard. (Also evident in his conversations with the young orphan boy.) Furthermore, he has been shown to have a sense of humor--cracking jokes with Gilles and boosting morale for his fellow soldiers.

His childhood abandonment is significant (he left his home because he was "not an adequate farmhand and they had no ability to feed all their children") but I don't know if I would consider it a huge trauma point for him. It seems as though he deemed it an act of necessity--not spite. It was simply the way of things, and he couldn't help his wiry constitution. You'd be surprised how common that was once upon a time, tbh... While it's certainly not right or fair, it does appear that in his perception it was the choice he made and he moved on after he became a soldier. Just focusing on what he could do, rather than everything he lacked. For people in his position, they often feel it is useless to linger on what should have been. There’s no time to linger or doubt, life hangs in the balance.

That leaves us with his time under the Inquisition, just before he was slated to be burned alive. I think this is the keystone trauma point for him, because there are a lot of moving parts to his powerlessness here. The first part is that his entire life's mission--ending the war so that people would no longer have to die and/or starve as a result of senseless violence--was just sabotaged. All those years of doing things he never wanted to do (wartime violence) and being forced to leave his family to ensure they didn't all starve, all of it treated like some kind of joke. Like he didn't sacrifice years of his life and sanity to protect a people who were happy to call him a monster and watch him burn alive. The second part is the overt gaslighting and rewriting of Jeanne's personal history (and overall French public perception) for the sake of the King's political agenda. To call him a treasonous danger to the country when he was once lauded a hero. The third portion is the actual physical helplessness of being arrested, starved, and continuously maimed for no reason beyond pure malice. While it's never right to do that to any human being, this was done to a man who prided himself on his stalwart moral code. To abuse and torture him for something egregious that he would never do (at the risk of death) is just another slap in the face to everything he is and believes in.

I just feel like the context clarifies why that period of time would be the tipping point. His entire moral code and life’s work is being called into question and swept aside, as well as his agency? He believes very powerfully in a sense of right vs wrong, what's fair and what isn't fair. Somebody else deciding that for him--and deciding in a way that is openly unfair/incorrect--further makes him lose himself and his sense of reality. A person in that situation begins to doubt if they are good or bad. His belief in god all the more pressing; if he was a good person, why would fate bring him so much suffering? Honorable soldier or not, his blade has drawn so much blood...

People often reference his stilted social skills (and I am of the belief that he is on the autistic spectrum) as a reason why he is so "people-adverse" but tbh? I don't agree. His memories before the onset of this trauma reveal that he was actually a very warm person, and that people were more than willing to fight under his banner. He had friends, and he had comrades--his country loved him. He was the picture of well-meaning civic duty. Just because he doesn’t integrate smoothly into larger social groups or adapt well to socially shifting circumstances, doesn’t mean he just hates people lmao. When people give him the space to exist within his comfort zone and don’t take advantage of him, he thrives. Compounded by that, we also have his actions in the present to further prove what is true and what isn't.

While he is stern with the orphan boy (I'm sorry I can't remember his name, damn it) there is no malice or cruelty in what he has to say. He doesn't punish the kid or do anything out of line. It may not be fair in terms of the adult level of discretion he asks of him, but the kid also didn't have a lot of options realistically speaking lmao. Same thing with MC, she and the orphan boy are nearly identical in how Jeanne treats them. He's a little rough, but the route reveals that his intentions are just a reflection of what he's been through. He truly believes that if a person isn't strong, they won't survive--because his entire life was a series of trying to be strong/reliable because nobody else would. There was nobody to protect him, and nobody to care for him went things went south. It was him and his sword against the world, and even his exceptional skill as a fighter did not protect him from the Inquisition's arbitrary torture. He has lived in a world where good acts can become absolutely meaningless, where following rules and helping people still gets you slaughtered. That's going to take a considerable toll on his mental health: where do you find the will to go on when the next second of your life could mean the devastation of everything that matters to you?

Spoilers: you don't. Or if you do, every minute of the day is a fight to stay alive. That is the point at which we meet Jeanne. Caught in the hellish whirlpool of wanting more, wanting better--but being terrified of the cost. The cost of hoping, only for his entire world to go up in flames again. It's not a small thing, in my view.

If you have any doubts as to whether or not that is the case, I direct you to literally every singular instance in which Jeanne's emotional sensibility goes visibly dark/south. When do these instances happen? When it rains, for one. And when Shakespeare deliberately starts pressing on his sensitivities: about the soldiers he was forced to kill, about the nation that spurned him, how he's truly "wicked" at heart and doesn't deserve to be happy--seconds before flames erupt for the festival. Does that really sound coincidental? I mean lmao. The rain is a painful reminder, but MC transforms that memory into something a little lighter with her bet. He has nothing to lose in her game, all she does is ask for time with him or offers him something if she loses. There's a playfulness there, a restoration of agency and ease that's invaluable to his recovery.

As for Shakespeare's deliberate retraumatization...I can't even begin to explain how damaging that event was. Shakespeare is undermining Jeanne's agency in that he--not unlike the corrupt monarch of Jeanne's era--is twisting Jeanne's beliefs to work against him. He knows full well that Jeanne doesn't feel like he deserves somebody so bright and understanding (we need to remember it's not really a luxury he's had much in life, especially after the war ended). He knows Jeanne has a tendency to impose that strict moral code on himself even more than he does on others. To reaffirm his every worst fear and lurking terror only throws Jeanne into a vicious downspiral. Jeanne doesn't reject MC out of disgust or hate. He rejects her because he literally cannot handle the concept of trying to be happy again, or of burdening her with his constant struggle to move on while he’s in the middle of a bad episode. He knows he won’t be able to stop reliving the past, that every second of his life and breath will be colored by his gruesome memories. He's trying as hard as he can to keep the intrusive thoughts quiet, to move on. But I'm not going to lie to any of you, that is incredibly difficult to do alone.

The next obvious question is, well why can't the other men help him? This isn't to say that they can't--we see how much solace Jeanne finds in Napoleon and Mozart. Even Isaac is gentle with the veteran. But there are limits to how much they can do. Napoleon is struggling with his own wartime trauma, and it's not identical to Jeanne's. Plus there’s a distinct difference in their sensibilities? Napoleon is the type to habitually seek comfort in helping others when he can't help himself, he's not as in tune with answering his own personal feelings and regulating them. (I mean just look at his new ES: he knows what he wants, but it takes a nudge from Isaac for him to go through with it.) He’s very communally reliant in ways Jeanne isn’t; Jeanne is a very private person, and typically prefers one on one from what I can tell.

Mozart is the definition of repression, and if you look at their interactions it's usually Jeanne that's smoothing over Mozart's rough edges. Mozart says as much himself: that he feels like a rotten friend because he knew Jeanne was struggling with a lot of intense trauma, but he didn't know how to unravel it without hurting him in the process. Mozart calls it personal cowardice, but honestly I just feel like they both had too much going on to be able to help each other effectively. (And Jeanne expresses this sentiment too? This idea that he's not angry with Mozart? He knows they're both carrying a lot, he's just touched Mozart cares about him in return.)

Okay, briefly unrelated, but like. Am I the only one that wheezes uncontrollably when Mozart is like "?????? Idk what it is about MC...I don't want her to be scared of me..." in his own main story in the baths. And Jeanne. IS TRYING SO HARD. NOT TO SPILL THE BEANS ABOUT HIM O B V I O U S L Y BEING IN LOVE. THE HILARITY I CAN'T DO THIS. Jeanne was like "yeah....yeah that's rough buddy.......[screams internally, give your boy time Jeanne he's fragile]"

Honestly? That's the thing about Jeanne too--he has incredible self-awareness and hyperarousal-related (I mean the PTSD kind, get your head out of the gutter) awareness to the people around him. He's very, very conscious of the fact that he is surrounded by geniuses when he can't even write his own name. Just because he has the fortitude not to lash out with his insecurities, doesn't mean he never feels stupid or inferior. And it doesn't help when there are people in the mansion who call him--a fucking war veteran from 500 YEARS AGO--nAiVe. He's not naive lmao. He just doesn't know how the world works so many years later, and it's a ridiculously steep learning curve? Leonardo and Comte are nearly 500 years old, but they lived throughout every hour of that time in a linear fashion. It is a big deal to be moved from 1430 to 1890 in the span of a second asynchronously, and then be expected to function without a hitch??? Given the circumstances he adapts well.

That atmosphere--this constant impatience with what he doesn’t understand, his inability to be caught up to speed quickly--is going to hinder his recovery lmao. He feels like a burden most of the time, and agency and freedom are crucial.

Another thing that occurs to me about the mansion's arrangement is that there is a power dynamic, just as any space with people in it has some level of hierarchy (unless you live with miraculously chill people). Jeanne is acutely aware that Comte is the most powerful being in that space, and he is not only hatefully angry at him--but likely afraid too. We have to remember that the biggest betrayal he witnessed in his life was at the hands of a monarch; it was the aristocracy that turned on him and erased the truth. Comte is openly a child that resulted from both that era and that type of lineage, I don't really blame Jeanne for being wary. He intimately knows how willing rich people are to throw normal folks under the bus to suit their ambitions/whims. Comte, while not deliberately threatening, also seems to be painfully aware of this impression he gives off. His "chad persona" as I've mentioned allows him to navigate his life in secret by necessity, but it’s actively damaging to his son. He can't reveal the truth because of Vlad's betrayal, and he's openly unsettled by what it could mean to be honest. Will they wonder about Vlad and find themselves ensnared under his mind control as Charles and Shakespeare are? Will Comte himself be subjected to the mortifying ordeal of being known only to lose them?? That's a risk he isn't willing to take--and that leaves him in a double bind.

What is it that they say, the truth will set you free? This is where MC and Comte come into enormous play when it comes to Jeanne's recovery. One thing to keep in mind is that most of the people in the mansion have their own traumas they're trying to carry, and I feel like a lot of them are unsure how to approach Jeanne. Or if they do, he's very guarded. It takes a lot of consistent effort to get through to him. What does MC do when Jeanne unleashes his harsh worldview on her? She's understandably frightened, but Jeanne isn't malicious (so she chases him around). In fact, he openly avoids and runs away from her--well aware that what he's done is wrong. If anything, he did it on purpose, bringing us right back to Shakespeare's verbal undoing; why does Jeanne attack her in the first place?

LMAO. He attacks her because she essentially says "oh thanks for helping me!" "I am not nice. Watch yourself." "But you seem like a nice guy to me?" "REEEEEE" Does the pattern become a little clearer? When people think kindly of him, his instinct is to shatter that illusion with an impulsive reprehensible act. When people think poorly of him or lash out, what does he do? When that orphan boy starts yelling and screaming, Jeanne is nothing but calm. He explains the situation, and offers the kid a choice, perfectly happy to be the bearer of bad news. This operates on many levels I’m sure, but I have a feeling it has something to do with him being hailed a saint and a war hero only to be tortured and branded a monstrosity (and he probably thinks being a vampire is doubly monstrous). He’s more comfortable being hated because he feels it’s what he deserves in a lot of ways.

Jeanne has a lot of internalized self-hatred because of what he's done, and because of how much harm was inflicted on him outside of his control (he's Catholic and he was tortured, come on this writes itself). If I'm honest, I think that's actually the greater part of why he hates Comte lmao. Comte refuses the very concept of being cruel no matter how much Jeanne lashes out. Sure he lectures him and scolds him, but he never actively limits what's important to him or controls or harms him. Comte fully realizes the tragedy of how Jeanne's life was used by a nation in dire straits, and knows he needs time and acceptance to heal. No matter how dismal or unhappy, Comte doesn't stop--he fully believes Jeanne should have time in his life where he can really live for himself for once. But therein lies the issue, Jeanne doesn't know how to live for himself.

Which brings me to how MC and Comte "heal" Jeanne. I feel like they give him the space he needs to recover, and that's what results in his gentled temperament and happiness. Remember that so much of his main story is MC endlessly chasing after Jeanne. No amounts of his hissing or running or threatening stops her. Even if his refusals are empty of real dislike, they're enough to deter most people. Not MC. She's able to see through to the depths of who he is, and doesn't just use him for her own ends? She actively seeks to teach him (to read and write) to help him settle better in this era, she actively tries to ease his distaste for rain with a well-meaning bet, and she never gives up on him. (Actions mean so much more to him than words in general too, tbh...). Love is more easily defined by work and effort than it is by attraction.

When he has his episode at the festival, sure she's rattled; but that's because she truly believed that he didn't want to be around her anymore. When she notices he really doesn’t want to be followed, she stops like any normal person would. It’s only when she reads his notebook and sees the truth for herself (that he’s given up despite having the same feelings for her) that her determination is rekindled. She doesn't approach him fearfully, doesn't treat him like he's made of glass either. She just wants him as he is--accepts and loves him as he is. Scarred, bloody, exhausted, abrasive, terrified. She doesn't define him by how easy he is to love. That is a huge issue with traumatized people lmao. Because of their maturity, people always just assume they don't need help, or they rely on them to an extent that isn't sustainable. The second they reveal need or that they struggle, people walk away or victim blame them because it’s easier than taking them seriously.

While MC's attempts may be a little more obvious (cherishing his lily field, wearing the hair pin he gave her, careful about his gruesome injury, really listens when he talks about the horrors of his life and accepts that he experienced a level of agony/terror she can never understand, tries to express her feelings no matter his evasion) I think it's also important to consider Comte's large scale effort. I don't say this to undermine MC, I say it because Jeanne's life was defined by a complete lack of security. He left his parents to make their lives easier, he lived in a war that meant life or death any second, and his country's leader branded him a traitor which lead to his endless torture and public execution. Jeanne does not know a life in which safety is the norm. Point blank. He does not understanding going outside and not expecting the worst anymore.

Comte not only understands that level of despair, but treats it with dignity and respect. He fully accepts being hated if it means Jeanne can use that hatred to live on and find a way to heal. And most importantly, when Jeanne begins to move forward with MC and Mozart's help, Comte never once holds it against Jeanne when the truth is revealed. He's not angry, this isn't about reprisal or reparations or revenge. It's just love.

Jeanne doesn't really have a concept of this? His entire life was mostly transactional, defined by strength and efficiency. Nobody gives a damn about your feelings. You either hurl yourself at the problem or die. Nobody is going to help you or carry you or save you. While he may have had a little more support while he was in the military from his fellow soldiers, that support system was ripped away from him during the Inquisition.

One very common sentiment regarding elongated imprisonment and torture is that survival occurs in pairs. It is an undeniable fact that people need others to survive. It is the nature of who we are. Individualism has never proven to be successful, or if it is, its dividends are astronomically minimal when compared to people working together.

What does it mean to be the most reliable, steady person in the room? Usually it just means you don't know how to ask for help when you are no longer capable of maintaining that stance. Napoleon is guilty of it. Leonardo, Comte, and Jeanne all are too. It's part of why MC and Comte's capacity to see what he needs and provide as much as they can is such a big deal. That sort of consistent support (without a constant necessity to beg for help) allows Jeanne to be able to re-integrate into his new reality and find joy. Even if his nightmares and memories never go away, they are now being actively overrun by positive experiences. That's the thing about recovery, really--it tends to be more about drowning out the negative as much as possible and coming to terms with it, than it is about forgetting or never feeling it again. It’s about softening the sharp edges of pain like sea glass.

So is MC magical and randomly got Jeanne to open up? Nah, I don't think so. I think it was a series of persistence and real acceptance of who he is that made him warm up. People really seem to underestimate how deeply affecting understanding is, but that's how damage is undone. Jeanne can't really linger on the idea of his own monstrousness, his unworthiness, a lifetime of misery, when the person in front of him actively listens and cares about him. Makes him laugh and smile and lose himself in warmth for the first time.

If I'm honest, I feel like people also just...underestimate the level of traumatic resurgence that's perpetuated and inflicted by society’s standards in general lmao. This rhetorical structure in which good and bad exist in moral extremes, this idea that people should be able to recover and never experience relapses or periods of sensitivity. The refusal to radically listen to people and their problems, and make active attempts--not matter how small--to mend/ease those hurt feelings. Granted there will always be people in the world who do not want to improve, but I feel like most people want to. It's hopelessness, silence, and stigmatization that remain the true enemies of traumatized/mentally ill people everywhere. And among that population are always war veterans...

[silkgonerough]

💒 Favorite Synastry Placements🍥💕

all based off of my own experiences/observations!

♡ hope you guys like it ♡

♡ moon in the 11th house:amazing! I hadn’t given this placement much thought in the beginning but it’s honestly the best feeling to have with someone. When I read about it I immediately looked up the house synastry between me and my childhood friend who I’ve known since I was born and viola his moon is in my 11th house! Idk how I knew but the energy we have is so comfortable and he’s someone where we can go a year without talking and then see eachother and it would feel like not even a day had passed. It’s a very light, happy, and authentic feeling when your around one another and just very natural. It’s like the other person knows everything about you and instead of feeling uncomfortable or vulnerable you feel accepted and welcomed. Great for friendships or relationships ♡

♡ moon conjunct venus: have this with my best friend :) everytime we get drunk we always end up confessing our love for eachother over text and it’s actually super funny. Very motherly relationship if that makes sense I think of her like my mom bc she always takes care of me! We can be do literally nothing and we’d still have a great time. This placement is great for just loving each others company ♡

♡ sun in the 5th house: super fun to have with anyone romantically or platonically! You two will always know how to make eachother laugh and are the life of the party when together :) the sun person loves being around the 5th house person a lot and may become extra needy for their attention once they realize how good they feel around them! The 5th house person is glad to give all their attention to the sun anyways tho ♡

♡ venus conjunct venus: underrated placement! your ways of showing love are very similar so you both feel comfortable and natural in giving eachother affection.You understand what the other person not only wants but needs without having to say anything. May be someone who enjoys a lot of the same music and art you like as well! Very aesthetically pleasing and loving relationship/friendship. Having this placement can smooth over a lot of hard saturn placements by making it easier for individuals to express their love for eachother.Very wholesome! ♡

♡ mercury in the 5th house: people I have this placement with make me laugh so hard. words are very reassuring and people who have mercury in your 5th know how to brighten up your mood with a couple of jokes! since this is in the house of leo which rules creativity and pleasure you may find yourself talking about a lot of crazy memories and things you’ve done with one another right off the bat. The mercury lights up the house person with their words ♡

♡ moon conjunct/trine jupiter: very very soft and supportive placement! you may feel unusually lucky when the two of you together and it’s because of how much positive energy you exude when together. Good karma tends to just follow you around when your with someone who shares this aspect with you. The moon person really enjoys being with the Jupiter person they admire their confidence and knowledge. The mood between both of you is always joyous and happy with a deep sense of respect for the other. You may exceptions for this person and their differences that you wouldn’t for anyone else! This aspect also helps to smooth out any repressing/negative aspects between you two ♡

♡ venus square mars: so this is definitely not for everyone but I’ve always found myself so attracted to people’s who’s venus’ square my mars vice versa possibly even more than the conjunct... idk why but I think the possibility of growth and change attracts me to them a lot since my love style is fixed (scorpio) I’m attracted to Leo and Aquarius since they’re love styles differ greatly than mine but they stay stable and consistent in how they show that love which is something I appreciate ♡

♡ mars in the 1st house: love the attraction and tension that comes with this aspect! People whose mars are in my first house are always the hottest in my eyes. Besides the sexual aspect the Mars person pushes the house person to take action and do things that may not normally be in their comfort zone. I like relationships/friendships that help me to grow so personally I don’t get annoyed at Mars influence when in this house ♡

♡ moon trine moon: honestly surprised I don’t see this one brought up more! If you share this someone you may probably take it for granted from how natural your connection is. Characterized by emotional harmony and balance this aspect is truely a blessing to see in any circumstance with another person. Being able to be emotionally open and expressive is very important to me with other people so my Pisces moon loves this aspect ♡

♡ venus in the 7th house: another placement that I have with my best friend! I’ve noticed that with most people I have this aspect with our friendships were very loving and physically intimate from the beginning! It didn’t take us very long to become that comfortable with one another and that element still hasn’t changed no matter how long I go without seeing them. ♡

♡ sun/mercury conjunct mercury: I feel like conversation and being able to communicate is a rlly important aspect in any partnership and this one of those aspects where you just kinda know what the other persons thinking without having to say anything. The word jinx may come up a lot too as you get closer with the other person bc your thought processes start to become synced up! I personally rlly like this aspect since it can bring two people very close together through simple conversations ♡

♡ sun in the 9th house: another underrated aspect! I may just love this because I’m a Sagittarius so this feels very comfortable to be in but this is honestly just so fun to have with someone. Lots of adventuring and exploring together both physically and mentally! This is also the type of relationship that helps both partners grow through simply learning about one another. Everything feels larger than life and suddenly you don’t feel that alone anymore when your with eachother ♡

[falcor-thee-luck-dragon]

Bad Dreams - Bucky Barnes x Avenger (f)reader

Summary: You and Bucky are adjusting to civilian life after the Blip, some nights he needs you more then he realizes.

Warning: bit o angst, soft Bucky, fluff

Masterlist

It had been a long fucking five years alone, sure you had Nat and Steve around at the Avengers Facility. But no matter how much time you spent with them doing whatever to keep your mind busy, at the end of the day, you were undoubtedly alone. You liked it that way at one point in your complicated life as an Avenger, but after the blip, you absolutely despised it. 

No one had expected what would have happened to be so terrible and tragic, or it to even go the way that it did. You had never even heard of Thanos or what the fuck kind of weirdass monsters could exist from other parts of the galaxy until they showed up knocking. How rude huh.

Life was peaceful before hand, well for the most part; you were an Avenger, someone who was part of the team. A conjurer of flame and ash, a Phoenix held within that was not afraid to use your power, and you used it well.

Then as per usual, shit went down and low and behold you met the one and only James Buchanan Barnes, Steve’s old friend with the metal arm and troubling history. Not to mention a face to die for, or at least one that would cause a bit of a chaotic scuffle between your two friends. They clearly had other priorities apart from yours at the time which was keep Steve out of jail, don’t burn anyone, and refrain from flirting with his 90 something year old friend. You tried your best in most of those areas. Most of them. 

Nonetheless, you fell hard and fast for the blue eyed man, and him the same for you, his feisty little firecracker with a heart as big and bright as a dragons. So when he went to Wakanda to lie low and get some much needed help. You followed.

With a heartfelt goodbye and a lasting kiss, he went under for a couple long weeks until Shuri and her expert team of scientists were able to fix what those bastards at Hydra had done to him.

For a short yet blessedly peaceful amount of time did you and your dark haired lover live safely within the Wakandan borders. In a small and beautiful little village by a lake, a hut all your own to shelter you from the heat and rain that poured hard onto the earth, and most wonderfully of all you had Bucky.

Life was simple for the first time in a long time, you spent the days helping out the locals and teaching the children how to properly swing a stick in defense, you know completely normal leisure activities. Spending the evenings making a big fire to tell stories under and cook the best food in Wakanda.

And the nights? You spent those wrapped up in Bucky’s arm, although most times you would be the big spoon which he loved more then anything in the whole world. Telling you it’s not just because you’re naturally warm, but that he’s been admittedly a bit touch starved from the years alone and lost. And for that you would always hold him closer.

Then that fateful day came crashing into your lives like a waterfall against rock, your friends had shown up claiming some being called Thanos was coming to take a stone out of Vision’s head. Yeah that was a new one.

The battle wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great either, you were able to save many lives by scorching the beasts that pursed onward. Letting whips of flame slash hard against the enemy with great skill and force from your bending. Then the world seemed to still, and the wind swayed the trees oddly.

Then HE came, the Titan from another world, he threw down all in his path without an ounce of mercy or remorse. You and Wanda were so close, so damn close to stopping him, but then he threw you back with the whole force of the gauntlet and a moment later Vision was dead.

Your head was bleeding and a fresh scar had marked your jaw in a bloody red slash from the impact. Though your mind didn’t have time to register nor care as Thanos abruptly disappeared into oblivion, leaving a confused Thor in his wake. Much like the rest of the Avengers.

Then to your horror, one by one, your friends began to turn to ash and dust. Gone. You raced for Bucky nearby, praying to who’d ever listen to spare him or you for that matter. You just needed ten more seconds and then you could have held him one last time, touched his precious skin, ran your fingers through his long dark locks.

Looked into his ocean blue eyes, but no, the universe laughed as you gasped in panic, then it snickered as you screamed. Cheering you on as you sobbed in a cyclone of your own fire until the ground was scorched to shriveled dry earth. And no more tears could fall, your throat raw and heart broken in two.

Your world was gone, a memory forever kept locked inside your heart and soul. He was gone, he was your world, Bucky made your life better and you his.

For the coming months you were a mess, an angry and frustrated wreck of a person. Functioning by sheer will power and Natasha to keep you afloat in your new dreary little world of nothingness. You envied Steve for his ability to keep most of his shit together, and where almost enraged by Tony who had everything still intact. Pepper and a child on the way, how cruel the universe appeared.

You would wake up in the middle of the night sweating, your heart racing a mile a minute and usually part of the wall behind you would be burnt and blackened. You never set fire to anything thank god, but fuck, your heart hurt so much.

You wanted to scream most days, but as one year rolled into two and then three, the dull dreary ache in your body subdued to a tiny flicker of sadness. It became almost nonexistent during the day as you went about Avenger business, only to burn hot and angry at night.

You wanted to move on and forget, but you couldn’t, he was too important. They all didn’t deserve to go like that, none of them. And so another year passed, then it was year five since the blip, more months passed on. Until out of nowhere something or perhaps someone miraculous lit the way into a new sense of hope.

Resulting in the return of everyone who had been lost before, including your Bucky. And from that moment after the battle, when at long last you had finally found him, you knew life would never be the same.

——

Rain pours relentlessly from outside your apartment window, a rhythmic pitter patter near your bedside that aids in keeping you asleep and unbothered for the time being. No sooner do you reach the climax of your dream that consists of you being chased by a giant monarch butterfly with no weapon but a sandbox plastic shovel, do you wake. Strange dream.

All your senses flooding back into you as you feel for your lover in the darkness, your eyes still closed as you do so. Your hand slides across the crinkled bedsheets to no avail, the spot next to you is undeniably empty and rather cold.

oh, Bucky.

Cracking one eye open you glance at the alarm clock where it reads 1:10am in big red letters, illuminating the nightstand that it sits on. You take in a deep breath and roll onto your back to stare up at the ceiling, this has become a reoccurring event with Bucky in the following months since his return.

In Wakanda things were different, it was like a nice prolonged vacation away from all your problems and responsibilities of the world. Now, you two have an apartment somewhere in New York City all your own. Bucky goes to therapy and does his best to integrate back into his new role as a civilian while you work as an Avenger part time. The other half used for being a supporting loving girlfriend to Bucky and a hacker on the side for extra cash in the bank.

You get it though, he’s adjusting the best he’s able to manage right now, and even when he swears the nightmares are gone for good. You know him too well to believe that shit, you can see it in his eyes, he may have been a master assassin at one point. Now he’s with a skilled and almost equally as weathered Avenger who’s seen her share of people really going through it.

It’s not like you were doing any better, you’d wake up screaming in the dead of night from another nightmare involving losing Bucky again. That only lasted for a month or so, but still, it sucked and hurt every damn time. So you get it, nightmares can be a bitch.

Blinking the bleariness out of your eyes, you yawn into the darkness and take a moment to listen to the sound of the rain. It’s peaceful and calm, and though you’d like nothing more then to roll over and fall back into the dark comfortable void of sleep. You long to see Bucky again, even if you saw him not even two hours ago.

Pulling the blanket off of your body, you slowly sit up and face the blurry window that overlooks the glowing city, well more so the park close by. Pushing some hair out of your face, you stand and take a brief moment to stretch before letting your right hand emit a beautiful blue flame.

It proptly lights up the dark room into a shadowed yet still visible one, with a lazy proud smile, you move for the opened bedroom door. Your flame lights the way down the hall until you wander past the tiny kitchen and stop in your living room to the sound of heavy breathing coming from the far end.

You give a lopsided smirk to no one in particular as you pad over to the man who’s sweaty and shirtless on the wooden apartment floor in nothing but his boxers and a single blanket that’s not covering much. Well he sure looks like a hot mess, your hot mess that is.

He gives you an apologetic glance before staring tiredly back at the nearby wall. You extinguish your flame and gently nudge his leg with your sock, “How’s the floor?” You ask with a tinge of humor to lighten the mood.

He lets out a breathy laugh before looking back up at you, “Solid.” Quips Bucky in reference to the hard floor and perhaps his take on the makeshift bed, always one for a bit of humor huh.

Chuckling you crouch down to better meet his shadowed gaze, “I guess so,” You mutter with a shrug, “....afraid I might burn you in my sleep?”

Shaking his head, he gifts you the flash of a smile, “No. Not this time Y/N.”

You smile back before sitting down next to him, you look down at his hand before reaching out to take it without any resistance, “I know it’s the nightmares Bucky.” You whisper softly, your eyes sincere and true, “You don’t have to hold it all in okay, I don’t.....I don’t want you to do that.”

Letting out a reluctant sigh, Bucky frowns, “I know Y/N....I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, I just love you too much to see you hurting. I’ve missed you for what feels like a hundred goddamn years and I don’t want you to slip away from me..” You add with a sad smile, “Never again.”

Squeezing your hand gently, Bucky nods, “You’re not going to lose me okay. I promise you that much alright. I love you Y/N.” And he means every word.

“That’s good then. Can you at least tell me something to ease your mind from what’s bothering you?” You ask with a hopeful smile, “Please. Remember what the therapist talked about with speaking your thoughts and feelings....it’s like emptying a treasure chest or some shit.”

“Right.” Laughs Bucky, “Can’t say you’re going to find any gold in here.”

“Shut up I don’t care.” You muse with a shrug, “I’m here to listen.”

“As the lady wishes.” Retorts Bucky with a half-assed bow that caused you to break out into a small smile at his cheekiness.

“Wait.” You pause.

“What?”

“Can we sit on the couch for this I wanna lay next to you.”

Rolling his eyes, Bucky fakes his annoyance as you patiently await his answer, “Fine.” He confirms, quickly standing up and taking you with him, “But you gotta lay on me I’m kinda cold now.”

Bucky falls onto the large comfortable couch with a dramatic huff as he pulls you onto his shirtless body, “Weren’t you just all sweaty?” You wonder with a raised brow as he quickly wraps his arms around your waist.

“Yep.”

“Gross.”

Bucky chuckles, “Well you’re making me talk about my feelings.”

“That’s because you won’t talk about them with your actual therapist.” You sass back.

“I hate it when you’re right.” Mutters Bucky into your cheek as you snicker at his adorably dramatic self.

“I think your brain short circuited and misplaced the word hate for absolutely love and adore.”

“Maybe.” Adds Bucky as he steals a sweet kiss, “I’m still working through things you know.”

“Okay smartass. Now tell me what’s on your mind.”

His chest rises as he takes a deep heavy sigh, he stares out the nearby window that keeps the rainy city from being bothersome. You can’t completely see his face due to the darkened room, but you’re close enough to see the way his face turns into a frown.

Suddenly you think maybe you shouldn’t have bugged him to speak about his nightmares. Until he purses his lips together and glances those big beautiful blue eyes down at you, the flash of a smile revealing itself in a split second.

To give him a bit more confidence and perhaps to calm his nerves, do you reach a hand up to gently caress his stubbled cheek, “Was it the Starks again?” You whisper softly in question, knowing how much it still haunts him. Among all the others.

Closing his eyes, he leans into your touch, “Not this time.” Mutters Bucky before taking that hand in his as he rests his head against the couches puffy arm. “Someone else.....Someone who got in the way. Wrong place wrong time.”

“oh.” Slips from your mouth quietly, you’re not sure what else to say, but you’re still hoping he’ll speak a little more about it. “Do they have anything to do with your list?”

It’s a shot in the dark, but you’re well aware of Bucky’s goal to make amends with his past and the people tied with it, maybe someone might be linked to it by chance.

Bucky takes another weighted breath, you can just sense how terrible he feels about this person. “Bucky take your time, it’s okay I’m right here.”

Looking for a positive sign you watch as he closes his eyes once again before moving his head a little bit so that it rests against yours, “I know....it’s just, difficult.”

“Always is.”

“Yeah.”

Kissing your forehead, his flesh arm wraps around your waist as he makes himself more comfortable before continuing, “I was in some government building at night.....tasked with eliminating some special high end target. I finished the mission in under a minute, but uh....there was a civilian who saw everything.”

“Oh shit.”

“Yeah.” Mumbles Bucky against your skin as he takes a moment to gather himself, soon he shifts underneath you once more before letting out a soft breath, “I shot him.”

A bang of sadness washes over you in that brief second and then a sparking anger for what Hydra had forced him to do. You keep silent and wait for Bucky to continue on with his story.

“That guy I killed. He um....he uh, he didn’t deserve that....but I had to.” Bucky’s voice is shaky as he puts his words together, “And you know what’s the worst about this?”

“I’d like not to imagine it but I know you should tell me.”

“You remember Yori?”

“Of course, he takes us to that great sushi place sometimes.”

Bucky squeezes his eyes shut as he hugs you tighter against his bare chest for some kind of comfort, his voice nothing but a regretful whisper, “I killed his son.”

Your eyes soften as he reveals who this mystery civilian was, “Damn.”

“Out of all the people in this world and I meet the man who’s son I murdered for Hydra.”

“That’s almost a sick joke.”

“I know. God I’m so fucked up.”

“No.” You protest softly while he hides his face in your neck, “I know you’ve heard this a thousand times but that wasn’t you. It wasn’t the real James Buchanan Barnes alright, you didn’t have a choice. Those fuckers took that away from you.”

“I know Y/N, but I still did it.”

“Bucky look at me.” You ask kindly, to your genuine surprise he lifts his head from your neck to look into your determined gaze, “You’re not the only one here who was manipulated and had their freedom taken from them by Hydra. I’ve done terrible things too, but you know what? We were never truly ourselves then, they molded us into their weapons and now.....they can never touch us again. You understand me?”

Tears whell up in Bucky’s shimmering eyes at your truthfully honest words, he had temporarily forgotten that you were once an unwilling participant in Hydra’s mind stone experimentations many years ago.

“I understand....” Mutters Bucky as he swallows hard, “what would I be without you?”

Giving him a small tearful smile, you gently wipe away a stray tear from his cheek, “A little bit more alone I’d say.”

“You’re a hundred times braver then me you know that? I couldn’t image five years without you and these fucking nightmares.” Admits Bucky as he moves to rest his head in the crook of your neck, “I’d go insane.”

Appreciating this close proximity and his heartfelt confession, you smile into the darkness, “I think I did. Thing is about shitty situations like that....life moves on and finds a way. I have you now, I thought I would lose you forever.”

“I’m glad you didn’t.”

“Me too.”